public libraries in the usa offering free digital library cards to people not in their areas (as of october 2023):
brooklyn (13-21yo us residents)
seattle (13-26yo us residents)
boston (13-26yo us residents, EDIT: just commonly banned books)
los angeles (13-18yo california residents)
san diego (12-26yo us residents, not the whole collection just commonly banned books)
these books unbanned cards (unless otherwise stated) get you access to each library's complete libby/cloud library collection, no hoopla/kanopy/physical copies included.
ebook collections are expensive to maintain (many american libraries have annual fees for non-residents because of this) but because of an uptick in book banning (particularly brutal in mississippi last summer) larger libraries have opened their doors more, which is very kind of them!
i've used my seattle card for the last several months and their libby collection has about three times the books that my local library does, which is wonderful for accessing more niche titles or skipping a waiting list. would love to hear of similar ebook initiatives internationally!
i use library extension (firefox/chrome/edge compatible) to check all my collections (+ the internet archive) at once, works for several different countries highly recommend it.
spotify seems to be offering 15hrs/month of audiobook listening to premium subscribers and while that does seem useful if you're already paying and are after a new release with a long library waitlist, libraries are better for everything else.
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you were raised in comparison.
it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.
you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.
you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.
what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.
it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.
you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.
you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?
a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.
you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.
it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.
something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.
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I have a maybe silly question, but uh. How do I become a more interesting person? I have a horrible habit of staying home and not going out and doing things. How do I not do that? This feels very goofy as a thing to ask, but you appear to have an interesting life, therefore making you a reliable source. Do with this what you will, and please say hi to your creatures! Here is my mischief goblin Jammer for your troubles:
It may seem backwards, but...don't try to be interesting, try to be interested.
Find things you find engaging, and then find ways to pursue them. It's best if you can find some kind of group or community that also does the thing you want to try--if you're struggling to find things you like, then just start trying things local to you. You've probably got a local birdwatching group, or a sewing circle, or a community theater, or a historical society, or a comic shop that does game nights, or a group of regulars volunteering at an animal shelter, or stained glass classes, or a makerspace, or any number of little communities that are out there. Try them! The first meeting will be the worst. And if you hate it, you don't have to keep at it, and trying will give you a fun story. Sooner or later you will land on something you like and then...keep turning up.
And if you're not finding things local and in person, then just take up whatever strikes your fancy at home. If you could be incredible at any three hobbies, what would they be? What's stopping you from starting those hobbies? You're going to fail at them when you start but you're already failing at them now by not starting, so what do you have to lose?
Here's the thing: nobody wants to talk with someone who's just singing their own victories. The best stories are the ones where we tried something new and different and silly and strange and maybe messed it up, but had fun. And the best stories are shared--ask other people about the things they're into, be interested and engaged and maybe see if they're open to teaching you a little, if their interests seem fun to you. It's not about being interesting, it's about sharing passion.
So find the things you're passionate about, and keep at them even after you've failed, and the rest will follow.
And pet your cat, he's doing his job so well!
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