#Banana Fish Fanfiction

[whiscey]

drop your devastating banana fish fanfics list bestie 🙇🏻‍♀️

AHSHWJEVJ YES OMG thank you so much for this ask!!! i have a very very long list of fanfics that i love so im not gonna put every single one here, but here’s a list of my favorites :)

note: 1) of course please be mindful of the tws— most of these have the usual list of the tws associated with ash’s trauma; 2) i don’t read anything that complies with the canonical ending cause i cannot handle that lol; 3) the first half of this list is just purely devastating, and then the second half is mostly just hurt/comfort; 4) the order in this doesn’t mean anything

I fell in love with a war and nobody told me it ended (by ihavenomorals): very shorter-centric; retells the canon events in his perspective (with it being heavily implied that he’s in love with ash); definitely very devastating, i cried multiple times while reading it

dead birds and bloodhounds (by ihavenomorals): also very shorter-centric lol; incredibly devastating for similar reasons as the last one (i also really really loved the ending of this one)

Streetlight angel. (by chaos101): this one’s also shorter-centric; a lot of pre-canon shorter’s thoughts about ash; i do not have words to describe how much i loved the whole “streetlight angel” thing

New York, New York 1980 (by wbss21): ash-centric; talks about precanon ash living on the streets (no shorter); genuinely so so heartbreaking

Just offscreen. (by chaos101): focuses on ash; please be very very careful with the warnings, this really graphic and can be very triggering; i almost feel weird recommending this one cause it’s not really meant to be read for enjoyment, but it’s very well-written and really really impactful so i do want to include it; almost threw up the first time i read this (and i mean that as a compliment to the writing, not in the sense that i personally found it triggering), it was so incredibly devastating and gut-punching

how strong the blood (by ihavenomorals): nadia-centric; it’s about nadia’s experience raising shorter on her own; one of the only fanfics i’ve read that focuses on nadia and i loved it so so much

Odour of Chrysanthemums (by nyanja14): eiji’s-mom-centric; eiji’s mom’s perspective on ash and his relationship with eiji after they move to japan; this was so cool ahdhwje, i loved how much depth and backstory they gave to eiji’s mom; one of the less devastating ones on this list, but it’s still so sad in its own right

like a peach (by Quintessence): asheijiii; eiji takes care of ash’s wounds (canon-compliant, takes place around when they rescue ash from dino) and they talk about how he sees himself; definitely a lot more hurt/comfort than pure devastation but the way ash sees himself is so heartbreaking :(

Hydrangea (by Bleed_Peroxide): jessica-centric; first half is jessica’s thoughts as she gets to know more about ash and then second half is an expansion on that one scene where jessica asks ash about what foxx did to him; also more hurt/comfort lol, but i love found family sooo much

Even that could be forgiven. Even Ash. (by chaos101): focuses on max and ash; obviously had to include this since i literally requested it lmao (don’t get me wrong tho– that’s not the only reason why it’s here; it’s here cause i love this fic a lot :3); ash thinks max is going to punish him for talking back to him and max comforts him; hurt/comfort

You’ve paid this world more than enough. (by chaos101): also focuses on max and ash; pretty similar to the last one but i just had to include this cause i love it so so much; hurt/comfort

Safe and Sound (by Dodici): focuses on shorter and ash; pretty short but so so impactful (literally took my breath away ahdvwjeh)

I wish that things had been different. (by chaos101): focuses on ash and griffin; it’s about ash’s reunion with griffin after he starts recovering from the effects of banana fish; this was so emotional and well-written abdvwjbd

Down toward the Healing (by Dodici): asheiji; part of a series (i recommend the series as a whole honestly, but definitely this fanfic in particular) called Eight Million Gods; it’s about ash struggling to find a therapist who works for him; the writing is so beautiful in this and i personally find it somewhat devastating in the sense that it’s a big reminder that healing takes time and a lot of effort

Feed My Body. Feed My Soul (by Wings_and_Feet): asheiji; it does have one (consensual) explicit scene, which is important to the plot but can also probably be skipped over if you’re not comfortable reading that; talks about ash’s relationship with food through eiji’s perspective (please be careful with the trigger warnings)

To Sleep; Perchance to Dream (by Wings_and_Feet): asheiji; it’s about ash and eiji’s post-canon life in japan and eiji’s family’s reactions to eiji being ash back home; literally one of my favorite post-canon japan fics ever, it’s soooo good; a lot of hurt/comfort

Pain Management (by Wings_and_Feet): asheiji; discusses ash’s struggles with addiction as a result of his experiences at Club Cod (not elaborating on this cause of the triggering content); i haven’t read many fics that talk about this, so i thought this was really interesting lol (and also it was very well-written)

Just because I love you. (by chaos101): asheiji; ash sickfic combined with ash and eiji talking about the horrible “he’s not your salvation” stuff blanca said to ash; genuinely one of my favorite sickfics ever (although that’s not really entirely the focus of the fanfic but like still)

How to love someone back. (by chaos101): asheiji; i saved the best for last :3; this is a character study of ash and it’s literally one of my favorite fanfics ever – please go read it, it’s so good aksjdke

bonuses :D (these count as bonuses since you requested devastating fics and these are pretty fluffy lol):

What you’ve been waiting for. (by chaos101): professor ash!! this fic is so sweet 🥹 i love it so much, it’s one of my comfort fics

the Childhood at Eighteen series (by armjail): asheiji; these are my other two comfort fics, they’re both so incredibly wholesome 🥹🥹

[bean-writes]

No one:

The Banana Fish fandom:

[chaoslynx]

Chapters: 1/1

Word Count: 1712

"It's really none of your business, now is it, old man?" Once he's said the words, he can barely remember the question Max asked. Something about where Ash was spending time—nothing he even had any reason to hide. But the defensiveness comes up from within Ash and lashes out, biting like a snake at anyone who cares enough to ask. Ash feels the blood drain from his face.

Ash waits for the other shoe to drop. Ash waits for a blow that never comes. Ash lets himself be forgiven.

[angofwords]

Just Say Yes chapter 13

What's the old saying? "Married in haste, repent in leisure." Hopefully this won't be true for Ash and Eiji. We've finally reached the happy day!!

[cosmicjoke]

New York, New York 1980

The jumbotron overlooking Times Square reads 11:48 PM and minus three degrees, Dec. 14th, 1980. Ugly, orange glow of numbers hazing through the mist, don’t mean anything on their own. Feels like minus twenty with the humidity. Snow’s started coming down heavy, and the streets have gone empty and silent. His breath fogs the air in front of his face and it’s knives down his throat when he breathes in.

Ash thinks he might die tonight.

He’s on his own.

Billy and the others took off a couple hours ago, he don’t know where to. Didn’t tell him and he didn’t ask. Probably to find shelter. Deadly out here, tonight. Deadly. Lotta’ people weren’t gonna’ make it to sun-up.

He swallows, sniffs hard. Snot keeps dribbling outta’ his right nostril, running down to his lip, freezing there in a thickening crust. He wants to wipe it away, but that would mean unwrapping his arms from around himself, and he thinks he might just go then and there if he does.

Eyes hurt, burn with tears as he glares up at that big, stupid screen, flashing through the dark and fog.

He needs to find some place too. Needs to find somewhere. All them shelters booked up, though. Every space taken. Coulda’ got there, maybe, if he hadn’t been workin’ the streets so late. But he needed money. Needed it bad. Hadn’t eaten in days. Would starve to death, soon. That’d be worse than freezing to death, he figures. Freezing to death, he figures, you just go numb, and then you get real warm, and you just give up and then you’re dead. Starvin’ to deaths worse.

Though maybe he should rethink that, considering how much this hurts.

Needs to find somewhere.

More than seven hours to sun-up, and it’s only going to get colder.

//

Subway car stinks like piss and vomit, the overhead fluorescents flickering in and out, an annoying, loud buzz emanating from the fixtures. But it’s heated, at least, and empty. Quiet. Better than being up top in the snow and air.

Ash keeps his arms wrapped tight around his torso. The denim of his jacket is worn through and wet from slipping earlier in the snow slicked street, the worn-out soles of his sneakers not made for any sort of traction. He can’t take it off. Even if it’s warmer here, he doubts he’ll manage to pass the entire night riding the subway. He hopes for a few hours, at least. If he’s lucky.

But Ash ain’t never been lucky.

He gets maybe half an hour of rest, another hour of going from stop to stop, before the car fills up with the ruckus of laughing voices, whooping and hollering.

Ash opens his eyes. It’s a group of gang bangers. Buncha’ hooligans.

He feels his body go tense at the sight, pressing his back against the hard plastic of his seat.

Shit.

This wasn’t good.

He had to get off before they spotted him. They’d take his money, if he couldn’t. They’d rob him. Maybe worse.

He tries not to be noticed as he stands and makes his way for the exit. He doesn’t get far, though, one of the punks calling out to him.

Ash stops, tries not to cringe away as the group comes toward him, blocking off his escape.

“Well, what do we got here?” One of ‘em starts. Big, tall guy. Gotta’ be seventeen, eighteen. There’s six of ‘em. All about the same. No way past. Ash knows he ain’t got a chance. “What’re you doin’ out so late, all on your own, little boy?” He grins down at Ash, ugly, crooked teeth, greasy hair hanging down around his red face. “You all alone, little boy?”

Ash can feel his heart hitting hard inside his chest, his own breath loud inside his ears. His mind races, tryin’ to come up with something, anything to get him out of this.

“… I… I’m meetin’ my brother.” He croaks after a long moment, the lie heavy and bitter on his tongue. He thinks of Griff and knows he probably won’t ever see him again. “I’m meetin’ him at this stop.”

“That right, little boy?” The punk grins wider. “You meetin’ your brother? ‘Cause we didn’t see no one out there.”

“H-he’s comin’… he’ll be here.” Ash stammers, voice thin and shaking. “I need… I need to get off.”

“Yeah… I don’t think so.”

The blade seems to come outta’ nowhere, just suddenly there in the punks hand, flashing in Ash’s eyes.

“Whatch’u got, boy?”

Ash steps back, his hands automatically reaching for his pockets. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“Give it, you little shit!”

“I… I don’t got…”

The words are hardly out of his mouth before he’s being grabbed by the collar of his jacket and shoved back against the wall of the car, the knife suddenly at his throat, sharp edge of it digging painfully into the soft skin.

“Check his pockets.”

Ash knows better than to struggle. There wasn’t nothin’ he could do.

They find his money. They take it. A whole nights worth of work. Eighty-three bucks.

Ash thinks he should be thankful they don’t take his jacket and shoes too, though he guesses those wouldn’t be worth nothin’ to ‘em.

“Thanks, kiddo!” The punk tells him. “Now, didn’t you say this was your stop?”

They throw him out of the car, onto the platform, just as the doors are closing. He can hear their laughter behind him, and a moment later, the train is gone.

The concrete beneath him is freezing against his naked palms and the worn-through holes at the knees of his jeans.

For a long time, Ash just sits there like that.

He can hear it up top, on the street, the wind whistling down through the exit and into the tunnel, carrying the cold with it. He starts to shake, an already painful sting bleeding through the thin layers of his clothing.

When he finally pushes himself up, his palms are scrapped bloody from the impact. He bites his lip, hard, willing back the tears threatening in his eyes.

Wasn’t no use crying.

He glances around for a clock. Finds one. It’s a quarter past one in the morning. If he gets back on the train, he could get mugged again, but this time he won’t have no money. Doesn’t know what would happen, then, so he thinks he better not. Nowhere to stay, then, to keep out of the cold. He’s fucked, he thinks.

He meanders around the station for a while. Tries one of the public bathrooms. It’s damp and dark, the wind from up top seeping in through the swinging door, turning the space colder than out on the platform. He can’t stay here, he knows.

Doesn’t know where to go.

Finally he makes his way back up to the street.

It’s like walking into a wall of knives, the cold cuts so sharp and deep. Ash folds his arms around himself, sticks his hands under his armpits, tries burying his face against his shoulder, but nothing really helps, lungs burning with frigid air. He’s got to get out of this. Some place. Any place.

He’s come up onto 57th, near Central Park South. The park seems like an even worse idea than the subway, but he doesn’t know where else to go.

There’s some dive bars still open, but not for long. And anyway, Ash knows he wouldn’t be allowed to stay. He’s eleven fuckin’ years old. They’d throw him out, most like. ‘Cept maybe… maybe someone’d feel sorry enough for him to let him stay.

… Maybe he should go back to Club Cod and ask for his room.

The thought forces bile up into his throat. For an instant, Ash thinks he really might be sick. Not that it would really matter. Didn’t have no food in his stomach, no how.

He only gags a little, though, wiping at his mouth. He can’t stop shaking, the tips of his fingers and toes numb and pained, his nose aching viciously, won’t stop running.

He wanders into the park, knowing it’s a stupid move, but Billy and the others sometimes came here, when they couldn’t get into a shelter, and Ash hopes maybe he’ll find ‘em.

He makes his way toward the spot they’d usually be, but he knows soon enough they ain’t there.

The park is empty and silent and black well beyond his vision, the glow of the lamps lining the walking paths obscured and vague through the dense fog.

Ash licks his lips, a sick worry dropping down into his guts.

Nobody was out here tonight.

Nobody was dumb enough. Not even the stalkers and pervs and muggers.

Guesses it was just him then. Just him who was dumb and desperate enough.

He makes his way back to the street. He starts to cry. It’s pathetic, but he can’t help it.

He’s gonna’ die if he can’t find somewhere warm.

He stumbles along for a couple more blocks before he can’t make it any farther, huddling beneath a storefront awning.

There’s a bar across the street, open, by the looks of it, but nobody’s hanging around out front.

It’s his only option, now, and so he takes it, hurrying to the other side. Even if he only gets a few minutes of warmth, it’s better than nothin’.

Walking in, he gets blasted by a wall of heat. The relief is almost enough to make him start crying again, and he finds himself suddenly sapped of energy, sagging against the wall closest to the entrance, limbs stiff and frigid.

It takes him too long to really notice his surroundings, and when he finally does, he feels his stomach turn.

It’s a strip joint.

There’s a stage in the room’s center, chintzy lighting effects illuminating it in regulated patterns of blue and white flashes, the rest of the space shadowy by comparison, hazy and dreamlike, a thick malaise of cigarette and cigar smoke filling the air. Music pumps through the overhead speakers, monotonous and irritating in its predictability, the stench of liquor everywhere. There’s only a couple of patrons sitting around the stage. Overweight pigs who can barely pretend at being interested in the woman prancing around more than half-naked in front of them.

Ash stares up at her, and feels himself start with recognition.

He knows her.

One of the girls that works the streets out there with him. She calls herself Betty Boop, but her real name’s Beatrix. Not that he would say anything. Ash ain’t his real name, either. Griff called him Ash. Papa’s the one that added Lynx to the end ‘a that, ‘cause he said that’s what Ash reminded him of. A lynx.

He didn’t know she worked as a stripper too, but it makes sense, for nights like this, when workin’ the streets wasn’t really an option. Ash would do it too, ‘cept nobody would hire him for that kinda’ work. Not if they were runnin’ a ‘legitimate’ business, anyway. Places like Club Cod, though, he was naked more often than not. Only he didn’t get paid for it. He didn’t get nothin’ for his hard work, there, ‘cept the privilege of not dying.

He was lucky they let him out at all. Was lucky, he guesses, that Papa had taken him out of being a regular there. He only had to work when there was a special client needed takin’ care of.

He shakes his head, his throat tight. He doesn’t want to think on that. Doesn’t want to think of that place.

Nobody’s noticed him yet. He hopes he can keep it that way for a while. He doesn’t want to go back out there, into the cold.

So he stays where he is, and waits, and eventually, Beatrix comes off the stage, disappearing into the back. None ‘a the pigs even gave her any cash, fuckin’ bastards. Ash thinks, if he had any left, he’d give her a few dollars at least.

It’s maybe another five minutes, and still nobody’s spotted him, when he sees Beatrix again, comin’ out of the back, dressed in regular clothes and heading for the exit, right where he’s standing.

Ash feels frozen, then, not knowing what to do. She’s gonna’ see him, and he doesn’t know what will happen if she does. Doesn’t think he wants her to.

But he can’t move, and he sees the moment she recognizes him, her eyes going wide.

“Hey… Ash?”

Ash just stares up at her, not knowing what to say, his voice at once lodged in his throat.

“Honey… what are you doin’ here?” Beatrix looks around, worried, it seems like, that someone will spot him.

Ash looks away finally, shrugging weakly.

“… Just stumbled in, I guess.” He mutters. “Didn’t know you worked here.”

Beatrix looks back at him, mouth twisted into a frown. She’s got that look again. The one that Ash knows means she’s feelin’ sorry for him. The one he knows means she’s worried about him. He wishes she wouldn’t bother. Wasn’t like he was worth it.

“Oh, honey, ain’t you got no place to stay tonight?”

Ash keeps his eyes away, shaking his head.

“… Missed out on the shelters.” He mutters again, folding his arms around himself tighter.

“… You can’t stay here, hon. You’re too young. They’ll have to throw you out, soon as they notice you here.”

“… Yeah. I know.”

“Were you workin’? Out in this weather?”

Ash nods, feels his throat close up.

“Oh, sweetie…”

“I’m alright. I’m fine. I’ll leave soon. You don’t gotta’ worry. If you’re scared they’ll think you let me in or…”

“Ash, I don’t care about that. Look… I can’t let you go back out there, knowin’ you’ve got no place. You’ll freeze to death.”

“I’m alright.” Ash insists again.

“Nah uh. Ash… listen… why don’t you come with me for the night? I’ve got an apartment. My man’s gone for the week, out of town. You should be okay to come by and crash there.”

For a moment, there’s a thrill of dread through Ash’s guts. The thought of being locked in an apartment with one of them pimps. The ones that were always tryin’ to snag him. He couldn’t think of a worse situation to find himself in. It hardly registers to him an instant later that Beatrix said her man was gone for the week. But what if she was wrong? He knew how the pimps treated their women. Like they were property. Like they belonged to ‘em. Like how Papa treated him.

What if her man came home while he was there?

Ash guesses she must see the worry on his face, ‘cause she comes up to him then, reaches out and takes his hand.

“He won’t be back tonight, honey. I promise. You’ll be okay.”

Ash hesitates.

He knows he can’t really afford to turn her down. He knows he’s lucky, that he would have the chance at all for a warm place to stay tonight, when he’d been sure less than twenty minutes ago that he could die if he spent much longer out in the streets.

And so he shoves down the uncertainty and fear threatening to choke him, and nods weakly.

“… Thank you.” He whispers, and Beatrix just smiles, squeezing his hand.

“Come on. Let’s get you someplace less disgusting than this, huh?”

Ash snorts a laugh.

“S’not so bad.” He says. “Not compared to some places.”

He doesn’t elaborate on that, though. Wouldn’t be no point. Doesn’t wanna’ ruin Beatrix’s night any more than he already has.

“If you say so, sweetheart.” Beatrix smiles, still holding his hand. “You didn’t… I mean… when I was up there?”

Ash shrugs, looking away.

“I seen a lotta’ stuff. It’s alright.”

“Oh, Jeez, Ash, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“I’m alright.” He repeats.

What the hell was he gonna’ tell her? Seeing a naked woman wasn’t anything new. Women had raped him. Clients at Club Cod.

Beatrix doesn’t say anything else after that, and he doesn’t either, just follows her out of the club and to her car, parked across the street.

It feels even colder than it did before, but Ash guesses that could just be ‘cause he got a little warmth. Whatever it is, he’s just happy when they get inside her car. He reaches out, pressing his frozen fingers against the vents blowing hot air.

He stares out the window as she pulls out, watching the falling snow as it comes down harder than before, beginning to whip past in a dizzying, blinding wash of white. It’s quiet. Now that he’s out of the cold, almost peaceful, and he can feel the exhaustion starting to weigh down on him.

He feels relief when they finally make it to her apartment, and he follows close behind as they make their way up the stares of the tenement complex.

“That damn elevator’s always out.” Beatrix mutters as they trudge their way up. “We’re almost there, hon.”

“… It’s alright.” Ash tells her, even though, by the time they make it to her floor, his lungs are burning a little, his legs weak and shaky beneath him. He tries to hide it, but he don’t think he does a very good job with the way Beatrix keeps eyein’ him.

“Here we are. I know it’s not much, but it’s clean and warm.”

Ash looks around and thinks about tellin’ her that, to him, it’s like a fuckin’ luxury hotel room compared to some ‘a the places he’s had to stay before. But he only shakes his head and tells her it’s great, and he means it.

“Bathroom’s right down that hall and to the left.” She points. “If ya want to get cleaned up, there’s fresh towels in there. I don’t really have any clothes that’ll fit you though, darling. I’m sorry.”

Ash shakes his head.

“S’alright.” He says. “Can… can I take a shower?”

“Of course. Take all the time you need.”

Ash thanks her again before making his way down the hall.

He knows if her man was here, he’d never feel comfortable enough for this. But it’s just Beatrix, and he knows she understands. Knows she goes through the same hell each night he does.

He’s still cold from the outside, and it’s almost painful when he steps under the warm spray of water, the tips of his fingers and toes burning. It’s only a few seconds before it turns pleasant, though, and Ash sags in relief against the stall, the lids of his eyes drooping closed.

He’s so tired. He just wants to go to sleep.

Sometimes… sometimes he thinks… he’d like to fall asleep and never wake up.

He shoves the thought out of his mind as he steps from the shower, drying himself off and dressing quickly. He’s happy at least to be out of his wet jacket and shoes, keeping his feet bare as he makes his way out of the bathroom and back down the hall to the living room.

He stops at the threshold, uncertain as he spots Beatrix moving around the small kitchen space, heating up what looks like TV dinners in a microwave.

“Oh, Ash!” She at last notices him standing there. She smiles at him. “Was the shower alright?”

Ash nods, finally moving forward.

“That’s good.” She keeps smiling. “I don’t know if you’re hungry, darling, but I heated up some tv dinners, if you want to eat. It’s nothing special, but…” she shrugs, holding the plastic trays up for him to see.

Ash feels his stomach squeeze and cramp, letting out a loud growl as the smell of the food hits him, his face warming in embarrassment.

He hasn’t really eaten in two days.

“I guess that’s a yes, then?” Beatrix laughs. “Come here, you can eat at the table. I’ve got some orange juice too, if you like?”

Ash swallows, hesitating a moment before moving to the small, fold out table near the kitchen, pulling out one of the vinyl backed chairs.

“O-okay.” He agrees. “Thanks… th-thanks…”

“Of course, sweetie.” Beatrix smiles again, placing one of the dinners in front of him, along with a fork. Ash watches her as she takes out a glass from one of the cabinets then, and a pitcher of juice from the fridge. He suddenly feels parched, swallowing dryly, his throat clicking. He thanks her again as she hands him the glass.

“So,” she starts, sitting across from him. “you doin’ okay, Ash? How come you didn’t have no place to stay?”

Ash digs at his food, keeping his eyes fixed down. He shrugs.

“What about renting a room?”

“… Got robbed.” Ash mumbles, still looking away.

“Oh, baby… I’m sorry. Are you alright? I guess that’s a stupid question. Of course you aren’t.”

Ash shakes his head, beginning to eat.

“I’m alright.”

For a long moment, Beatrix doesn’t say anything, and Ash is happy to concentrate on his food. He hopes she’ll drop it.

“I can give you some cash, if…”

Ash immediately shakes his head no.

“No, I’m alright. I don’t need your money.”

“But…”

“Besides, your man’ll be mad if you’re short, won’t he?”

The room goes quiet then, and finally Ash looks up at her, sees her mouth pulled into a tight frown.

“… I’m sorry.” He hurries to apologize. “I shouldn’t ‘a just assumed…”

“No,” Beatrix shakes her head. “it’s alright. You’re right. It’s not really my money to just… give away.”

Ash feels shitty, then. Feels like a jerk.

“It should be.” He blurts. “You’re the one doin’ all the work for it.”

Beatrix laughs at that.

“You’re sweet.” She smiles, reaching out, ruffling his hair.

“No I ain’t…” Ash ducks away, turning his face aside. “I ain’t sweet.”

“You are. You’re a good kid.” She insists. “It’s not right, you livin’ this life.”

Ash scowls, dropping his fork.

“It’s my life.” He spits.

Beatrix pulls her hand back, frowning, her face confused.

Ash thinks of Dad. Thinks of what he told him. ‘Make sure you get paid’, he’d said.

Like it was natural.

Like it was natural for what happened to have happened.

Like it was what was meant for him.

Papa told him so too. Papa told him he was made for this. Told him he was perfect for it.

He can’t explain all that to Beatrix, though. Can’t make her understand.

This was his life. It was the only life he was ever gonna’ have. Only life he was ever meant to have.

He wasn’t sweet.

He was a filthy whore, was what he was.

He belonged on the street. He belonged in this life.

His eyes burn. He wipes clumsily at them with the back of his hand.

“I’m tired.” He mutters. “Can I go to sleep?”

“Yeah, of course. Of course, Ash.” Beatrix tells him. “Here, I’ve… I’ve got a futon. Lemme’ just set it up for you.”

Ash feels bad. He shouldn’t ‘a snapped at her like that. Wasn’t her fault. She was just tryin’ to be nice. Just bein’ kind. She didn’t know him. Didn’t know what he was. Where he came from. He feels like shit.

He watches as she folds the bed out from the ratty looking couch, sets it up with a blanket and pillow.

“There you go, hon.” She smiles at him again. “Hope it’s not too uncomfortable.”

“… Thank you.” Ash whispers. Can’t look at her now. Feels like such an asshole. “I’m sorry. I’m just causin’ you trouble.”

“No you ain’t, Ash. It’s alright. Come on. Get some sleep. Don’t worry about anything.”

Ash don’t argue. He can barely keep his eyes open. By the time he gets to lyin’ down and Beatrix has turned the lights out, it’s barely a few minutes before he’s lost to the world, pulled down deep into black dreams.

//

“I’ll pay you back the next time I see you.” Ash promises come daylight. Beatrix tries to tell him he doesn’t have to, but Ash has learned it’s best not to owe anyone any favors, if he can help it. So he keeps insisting until she accepts, and then he’s gone, back out onto the streets.

He takes the subway back to 42nd. Billy’s there, loitering around in front of the peep shows. Ash makes his way toward him.

“Hey, there you are, man!” Billy greets. He slings his arm around Ash’s shoulders, pulling him in against his side and rubbing his knuckles against his scalp. Ash tries pulling away, but Billy doesn’t let him. “I thought you might’ve bought it last night, kid. Man, it was cold.”

“It’s still cold.” Ash grumbles, annoyed.

Billy laughs.

“So, where’d you end up?” He asks, finally letting Ash go, pulling out a pack of cigs. He knocks one loose and holds it out.

“Thanks.” Ash takes it. He waits for Billy to light him up before answering. “I ran into Betty Boop and she let me crash at her place.”

“Damn, lucky.” Billy laughs again.

“What about you and the guys?” Ash asks, takin’ a drag, letting the smoke seep out slow through his nose.

“Me and Zach made it into a shelter. Dunno’ ‘bout the others.” Billy tells him, takin’ his own drag.

Ash feels somethin’ sick slither through his guts at that. He hopes no one died.

“I wish it was summer.” Ash says.

“You say that now,” Billy answers. “but you’ll be just as miserable when it’s fuckin’ 90 with humidity.”

Ash frowns, takes another drag off his cig.

“Yeah, but at least I won’t have to worry ‘bout freezin’ to death at night.”

“True that.” Billy grins at him.

They stand there for a little while then, not sayin’ nothin’, and Ash hopes it’ll stay that way, but of course it doesn’t.

“So you stayed out workin’ last night. You crazy, man. I hope you at least made bank.”

Ash swallows, stares down at the cigarette between his fingers, flicks the ash from it. He shrugs.

“How much you make? You couldn’t afford a room?”

Ash brings the cigarette to his lips, sucks on it hard. The smoke burns down his throat.

He remembers the first time he smoked a cigarette. Billy’d given it to him. He’d felt like he was going to cough up one of his own lungs. He’d never tasted anything so disgusting. Like breathing in tar and fire. He guesses that’s what it was, really. Guesses you could get used to anything, after a while.

“I got robbed.” He admits finally, his face warming at it.

Billy scoffs like he knew he would.

“The fuck, man. How? You ridin’ the sub again? I told you not to do that shit.”

“I didn’t have no place...” Ash starts.

Billy cuffs him against the back of the head, and Ash stumbles forward a step, the blow leaving a dull throb through his skull. He doesn’t say nothin’. He was used to Billy hittin’ him now.

“How much you lose, man?”

Ash hesitates.

“… Eighty-three bucks.” He finally says.

He cringes, expecting another hit, but Billy just sighs, shakin’ his head.

“Dumbass. You ain’t never gonna’ make it out here.”

“I’ve made it three years already.” Ash sneers up at him.

“Yeah, ‘cause ‘a me.” Billy sneers back. “You little dweeb. You need a fuckin’ gun.

“… Can’t afford a gun.” Ash looks away, miserable.

“Look at you. You can’t weigh more’n sixty pounds soakin’ wet. You need a gun.”

“I said I can’t afford no gun. Lemme’ alone, Billy.”

“I could lend you the cash.”

“No.” Ash shakes his head.

“Why the hell not?”

“I don’t wanna’ owe no favors. Lemme’ alone.”

Billy tsks.

“You’re so fuckin’ suspicious Ash. The hell’s wrong with you? I’m offerin’ to help.”

“No you ain’t, Billy. You’re an opportunist. You’ll hold it over me ‘till I pay you back somehow.”

Ash sees Billy’s hand come up, but he ain’t fast enough to get outta’ the way. An instant later he’s on the ground, the taste of blood on his tongue, his lip pulsating in pain.

“What kinda’ kid talks like that?” Billy frowns down at him, shakin’ out his hand. “How old is you, Ash? Eleven? You’re the weirdest fuckin’ kid I ever met.”

Ash wipes at his bloody lip, stares at the bright red against his fingers.

He doesn’t say anything as he pushes himself to his feet, dusting the snow off his pants.

He dropped his cigarette. Great.

Billy keeps eyein’ him, and Ash wonders if he’ll hit him again.

He sniffs, wiping at his nose.

“Just leave me alone Billy.” He mutters. “I don’t wanna’ kill no one.”

“Why? You already did, didn’t ya?”

Ash’s eyes sting and he turns his face away.

“… I shouldn’t ‘a told you that.” He whispers to himself, but Billy hears him anyway.

“Yeah, well, you did, Ash. Whatch’u think? You can be better than the rest ‘a us?”

Ash wraps his arms around himself, vision blurring.

“… I ain’t better than no one.” He whispers again.

“Damn straight, you isn’t. You wanna’ make it out here, Ash, you gonna’ have to let go ‘a that soft touch you got.”

“Fuck you, Billy.” Ash spits, but Billy only laughs.

“You wanna’ busted nose to go with that lip?”

Ash doesn’t say nothin’.

He thinks of Griff. Thinks of how his brother used to hold him at night when he got scared ‘a the dark, or whatever. Thinks of how his brother was so kind.

He misses him so much.

“Pff, whatever, kid. I’m outta’ here. See ya around, I guess.”

Ash doesn’t watch him go. Wasn’t no point.

Guesses he better get to hookin’, if he wanted to eat. If he wanted some place to stay tonight.

He wipes at his nose, and doesn’t think about much at all as he trudges his way down the street to stand in his usual spot.

Link to my a03: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wbss21/works

[itsjusta-thousandcuts]

cheap wine, make believe it’s champagne

“Uno!” Shorter’s gleeful voice filled the basement. He jumped off his seat, shaking his head up and down like an unhinged rockstar, his sunglasses falling off his face. He was wearing a grin so wide Ash was sure it was going to break his face in half. 

“Fuuuuck,” Ash said, hitting his head on the table, Eiji giggling at Shorter’s antics beside him. He keeps his three cards- three cards, goddammit!- closed to his chest so the others couldn’t see it. 

Sing thumped his fist on the table in dramatic frustration and Yut Lung rolled his eyes as they all watched Shorter hollered and ran around in circles in celebration.

Or the gang plays uno.

Read on AO3

[fanfic-fairyy]

Asheiji fanfic recs pt. 4

Pt. 1 , 2 and 3

Brooklyn Baby by suffragettecity(41k)

Front-man Ash Lynx goes from coast to coast with his bohemian band. Photographer Eiji Okumura goes from journalist to groupie with his newfound freedom.

Your Best American Boy by suffragettecity(57k)

Cherry popsicles, bummed cigarettes, wrinkled photographs and shirtless nights. The summer a Japanese tourist moves in across the street, and an American boy falls in love through the fire-escapes.

Dusk till Dawn by equinoctial(97k)

“Alright. But you stay safe okay? I mean-” Eiji immediately regretted his reflexive reply to a goodbye. This wasn’t just your ordinary stranger, this was probably a powerful wizard for crying out loud.

But instead of an awkward laugh, the wizard settled with a gentle smile, the kind that reached his eyes and made the mystifying jade more brilliant than ever.

“Thanks. You stay safe too,” and with that, the wizard hopped off the balcony and vanished into the crowd below.

---

In which Eiji gets cursed into a ghost, the kingdom wages war on its neighbours, and the devil wizard Ash Lynx roams the wastelands while striking fear into the strongest of hearts.

But of course, fate would see the seemingly heartless wizard fall in love with a heart that had so much to give.

satin birds by kybelles(48k)

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

Mr. James R. Callenreese and Ms. Hideko Aoki are very delighted to announce the engagement between Mr. Callenreese's son and sole heir to Callenreese Corporotions Mr. Aslan J. Callenreese and Ms. Aoki's beloved nephew Mr. Eiji Okumura. The happy couple haven't decided on a wedding date yet.

(Except, Ash and Eiji are not happy at all because they don't want this marriage.)

of sugar cookies and chocolate puddings by kybelles(3k)

Eiji first meets Ash on a gloomy sunday afternoon.

After a little silence, the door is slowly opened by someone Eiji doesn’t notice at first. When he lowers his eyes a little, however, his gaze meets with a pair of bright green eyes. He takes a little step back, taking the appearance of the blonde kid who’s standing in front him. The suspicious scowl on his face softens a little when his eyes catch the plate in Eiji’s hands but he keeps holding his guard.

“Um…” Eiji begins hesitantly.

“What do you want?” the boy asks with a challenging face.

“M-my mom sent this.” he stammers finally, pushing the plate forward a little clumsily.

be my mirror, my sword and shield by kybelles(15k)

Ash Lynx finds the love of his life on a quiet night after he trips on sidewalk and harshly bumps his face against it when he exits from library.

Ash lets out a long-suffering sigh and prepares to take out his phone when he hears a sharp inhale and feels someone approaching him in a hurry. He defensively turns towards the noise but freezes like a deer caught in the headlights.

There’s guy in front of him who’s looking at Ash with concern and the sight of him literally makes Ash’s heart flutter like it’s never done before. He has the softest looking black hair Ash’s ever seen and for a crazy moment, Ash feels an irrepressible urge to run his hand through it. The guy’s already big dark eyes grow impossibly bigger when they land on Ash’s bruised cheek.

“Oh my god!” he shrieks in an adorable manner. “Are you okay?”

“You must be an angel.” Ash blurts before he can stop himself.

Sacrifice by signpainter1(33k)

Ash, the Sun God asks for only one thing; a daily sacrifice of wheat to help him maintained the fields. When war threatens the country, they turn from a wheat sacrifice to a human one. People are brought to the capital including the man Ash loves the most, Eiji Okumura. Ash has to find a way to prevent Eiji from dying which is hard when humans only hear only what they want to hear.

The One With the Vampires by TurnUps(99k)

Eiji Okumura has travelled to New York state because a Count Golzine is paying him an awful lot of money to take some pictures of his house. It doesn't take long for him to find out that he's the intended prey for creatures of the night.

But he instead to save the mysterious Ash, Golzine's supposed son, as well as himself.

*

Ash put his hand over the boy's mouth. Kept him pushed against the wall.

"Listen to me." His voice came out as a growl - a monster's voice. "If you go up to the Golzine Estate, then you won't come back down. With or without the money, you won't see a cent of it. That man - that - thing - he lives to trap pretty boys like you into his web, and he'll gobble you up before you realise you're stuck. Go. Home."

The boy didn't struggle. A rabbit who knew it had been caught in a snare. Dark eyes stared at him - wide. Maybe that meant he was finally seeing sense.

His lips were parted, under Ash's palm. He became away of that. Warm skin and warmer breath. A familiar feeling reared its head in his stomach. A hunger.

No. He could not save this boy from Golzine's clutches just so that he would fall prey to his own.

Uncharted Waters by midnitewrites(148k)

A routine day on the water is turned on its head when fisherman Eiji Okumura spots a strange creature in his fishing net. His excitement quickly morphs into disbelief when he realizes that what he caught is no fish: it’s a mermaid, beautiful and deadly—and, as he soon learns, gravely injured.

Desperate to save them, Eiji spirits the mermaid away to his home and nurses them back to health in his bathtub. As they recover, he learns more about them and their situation: their name is Ash; they can’t hope to survive without a fin to replace the one they lost; and in a year’s time, their pod will once again return to the bay where Eiji first found them.

Together, Eiji and his friends devise a plan to rehabilitate Ash and reunite them with their pod. Yet as Ash gains strength, so, too, do the bonds they forge, and the prospect of saying goodbye becomes far more difficult than any of them bargained for.

Bed of Roses by TurnUps(103k)

Eiji had been watching the boy for the last three dances.

Well, he had been watching, but not watching. Every time the boy’s gaze came anywhere near him, he stared back down at the table, hoping that he hadn’t been caught.

It was the boy’s hair that had caught his eye at first. Yellow – somewhere between yellow and white. He’d never seen hair that colour before. Didn’t know it was possible for real people to have hair that colour. It was as though there was a miniature sun around his head. As if he was a candle, with its own flame.

The flame flickered in his eyes too. Green eyes – he’d rarely seen them, either – and none quite as vibrant a green as his. They sparkled like emeralds, above flashing white teeth. His waistcoat had a hint of green to it, that brought them out all the more.

*

Western/Cowboy/Young Guns AU! Eiji has travelled to America with Ibe because of fishy business with the mayor of a small town. Ash runs a group called the Regulators after the same thing.

And in That Light, I Saw You by ohrange(125k)

After a traumatic experience renders Eiji unable to attend school, Ibe suggests taking some time off to work as his photography assistant at an agency in New York. Eiji takes to the idea well enough, but doesn’t expect to get involved into investigating a sex-trafficking ring… something that Ash, a model at the agency, has been secretly keeping evidence of for years.

[In which Ash is a model with a dark past no one dares to question, and Eiji is a design student who escapes from Japan only to be met with the same thing he wants to forget.]

Rewrite the Stars by Hamliet(58k)

When exchange student Eiji Okumura arrives at his American high school for a year abroad, his worries about fitting in and earning As are quickly swept aside when he meets Ash Lynx, a genius rumored to have spent time in juvie last year. Between Ash, his friends Shorter and Sing, and the mysterious younger brother of the school's principal, Eiji finds himself drawn into a power struggle that he realizes is more familiar than he thought. High School AU... (like, where they're actually in school + there's a chance of healing).

Ain't it like thunder under earth by Snow_Falls(11k)

'Alex clarified, when again it seemed like Ash wouldn’t reply. “Whoever goes with the boss has to spend some time fooling around with him.”

“Who is going with Ash?” Eiji had to ask.

There was a significant pause. The boys looked at Eiji and away.'

Fake dating, then real dating, with the mildest of heists thrown in for flavour.

[Read the tags before reading the fic<3]

[kermit-coded]

the 3121 job (2843 words) by kermit_coded Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga), Leverage (US TV 2008) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Damien Moreau & Eliot Spencer, Blanca & Ash Lynx, Dino Golzine & Ash Lynx, Eliot Spencer & Ash Lynx, Eliot Spencer & Team Leverage, Max Lobo & Ash Lynx Characters: Damien Moreau, Eliot Spencer (Leverage), Ash Lynx, Dino Golzine Additional Tags: Canon-Typical Behavior, POV Eliot Spencer (Leverage), Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Child Ash Lynx, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, References to Drugs, Organized Crime, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Ash Lynx Lives, Past Damien Moreau/Eliot Spencer, Minor Alec Hardison/Parker/Eliot Spencer, Non-Linear Narrative, Eliot Spencer is good with kids, Bittersweet, Mentions of Ash Lynx's Past, Minor Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Pre and Post Canon, Character Study, Dino Golzine Bashing, Underage Prostitution, like one line referencing eating disorders Series: Part 6 of my crazy-ass crossovers Summary: Eliot doesn't like to think about the kid he couldn't save. . . . . Or, Moreau hires Eliot out to one Dino Golzine, who brings him in to train his "ward".

[gioiaalbanoart]

I MADE IT! Chapter 14 is out , three more to go…..

https://archiveofourown.org/works/50594914/chapters/127809019

(Translation is always a bitch 😱💀)

(I also ended up editing the first thirteen chapters BUT shhhhhhhhh) 👀👀👀👀👀

The story stays the same ✨️

[elav-exo]

So I’m thinking of a perks of being a wallflower au for banana fish… anyways, I have a half-baked idea but i still dk whether to give Eiji, Sam’s storyline and if I do, then who should be his Craig? And if I do Patrick’s them a similar q comes up, who would be his Brad?

But also, if i cant apply an existing BF character could I just use Craig/Brad as themselves? And! If i decide to follow the og plot we’ll need an Elizabeth for Ash, so who would that be?! Ugh…. Ive written suggestions for myself but still im conflicted

[hazzypisce]

Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji mini one-shot

We meet just to say goodbye forever

Ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/50686429

Summary:

Eiji is sad and tries to write a love letter to his loverman, even if he’s already dead.

Notes:

I don’t know how to write long chapters:(( also english is not my first language, so pls tell me if there are any mistakes!!!

Also, how do I write sad fanfics if I am not sad???

Words:

655

Adicional tags:

Love Letters, Ash Lynx Dies, Okumura Eiji Loves Ash Lynx, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Past Relationship(s), I'm Bad At Tagging

Dear Ash,

It wasn’t meant to be.

But God, I wish it was.And you know that better than anyone else.

You were the most precious person I ever met, with that big smile that made my heart beat faster every time, and those pretty jade green eyes.

And now it’s all gone.

Maybe the Universe just doesn’t like us or we were meant to be together in another time and space.

Or else death wouldn’t have taken you.She took a lot of your loved ones, but she didn’t have the right to take my lover.

Let me be selfish for once.You were mine and only mine, even if it was for just a few days.

You were, no, you are my soulmate .

You suffered your entire life, and when things looked like they finally were on the right track, the end of the line came.And all it took was a knife.

It’s kinda funny when you think about it, all those times you fought with guns or were willing to die just so I could be safe, and all it took to get you away from me was a knife.Just a simple, yet lethal piece of metal.

In just a few seconds you went from a young man sitting in a library, writing a letter, that just like this one, will never be send, to man staining the sidewalk with a deep shade of red, one that mixed so well with the rain.

Just a twist and what should never have seen the sun, saw a very cold and depressing day in New York.

Every day I think about what it would be like if you were in Japan with me.What it would be like if we were together.

We could be drinking coffee while practicing your japanese , we could be shopping or just talking .Who knows.

Because, oh God , how I miss my loverman.

It was your chance of having a good life.To leave behind the dead, the drugs and everything else. And the fact that you would be with me was just a very good bonus.

You were barely 18, you had so much to live.So many good things were ahead of you, I’m sure.

The time we were together will forever be cherished in some way, because if we exclude all the sadness, you brightened my days.

Just like the sun illuminates the moon.

You saved me, the way I could never save you.

And if I am being honest, because you are never going to read this, I kinda regret trying to teach you japanese.Even though it was a precious and relatively short moment, in a sea of words, I had to teach you ‘sayonara’ .

Maybe past me already knew it would go down like that.

We meet just to say goodbye forever.

But I can’t help thinking, "Why did I have to teach you that word specifically?".

I could have taught something like “love”, “friend”, just anything that didn’t mean something was ending.

I feel like something is laughing at me.Maybe it is death herself.

I wish I could see you one last time, so I could hug you, cry on your shoulder and cherish you one more time.Now I just cry alone, thinking about something that never would and never will happen.

I don’t think I will ever feel what I felt with you.It’s been so many years, and I still haven’t let it go.

This is not living, it’s getting close to death.

I wish she was on her way to find me.So I can finally reunite with you.

With my lover.My loverman.

Actually, as I write my final words, I can feel her coming to me, I know what her presence feels like now.

I wish you the best Ash.

If I am lucky, I will see you on the other side.

.

.

.

*knock*

[radspeon]

TOMBSTONE Chapter 5; Whichever Way He Tilts It is now OUT on AO3!!!

(TW; The f slur is used in this chapter, but only once, and not by a character you're meant to like. Stay safe everyone)

Wow! After a ludicrously long hiatus, I have FINALLY released chapter 5! More to come, everybody!

[bean-writes]

“Pumpkins, huh?” Ash looked up. Eiji had followed him into the bedroom and was standing in the doorway, grinning. Ash rolled his eyes and smiled. “Don’t you start. And besides, it's not true. I haven’t been afraid of pumpkins since I was a kid.”

Read I Won't Go Back, Chapter 21: Home - Part 2 on Ao3 and FFN.

Read it from the beginning here.

[chaoslynx]

Chapters: 1/1

Word Count: 1656

Nodding slowly, Eiji says, "Would you want to learn to draw? Or cook, or anything else along those lines?" Ash shakes his head, brushing the idea off. "I don't think it'll accomplish what you want it to. My hands aren't designed to create."

Can a hand that's so often held a gun learn to hold something less destructive? What about with the help of another?

[angofwords]

Just Say Yes: chapter fourteen

Is anyone interested in a honeymoon? Eiji didn't want to go (too awkward) but Ash insisted. Now they're at a hot spring resort and things are getting...steamy. (don't quote me on that--I might've just been going for the pun!).

Content warning: this chapter contains sexual assault (over the clothes!), homophobia, and the f-slur. (I'm sorry!)

[cosmicjoke]

Banana Fish Drabble Request

This was a writing request that I recently completed for someone, and I thought I'd share it here:

The pigs had him.

He’d tried runnin’.  That’d been a mistake. 

Been a bigger mistake, gettin’ violent, tryin’ to break loose.  He’d caught one ‘a the bastards across the face, and gotten one ‘a the pigs billy’s across his knees for the trouble; gotten a bloody mouth.

“You nasty little whore,” the cop’d said, scruffin’ him by the collar like he was an angry cat, cuffin’ his hands at his back and shovin’ him into the back seat of the squad car.

Ash’s heart had hammered hard against his ribs, fear in his gut, even as he’d kicked at the seat in front of him and screamed profanities.

Papa Dino was gonna’ find out he’d been picked up for solicitin’.  He was gonna’ be pissed.  He was gonna’…

“Ash, kid… you alright?”

Ash’s eyes cut up to Captain Jenkins, seein’ the sorry look on his face, like he’s feelin’ bad for him.  Feelin’ guilty.

Ash sneers at him, leaning away.

“The fuck do you care, pig?” He spits, “You keep… keep haulin’ me in.  I ain’t hurt nobody.  It’s fucked, you pickin’ us whores up off the streets, like that’s the fuckin’ crime.  Don’t do nothin’ ‘bout the perves cruisin’ for us.  That’s some classic victim blamin’ there, Cap.  You probably think, hell, if it weren’t for us whores out there on the corners, wouldn’t be no pervs.  Like we create the temptation and they just can’t help their poor selves.  You and this whole department’s a fuckin’ joke, you know that?”

Jenkins’ got that sorry look still, lips pullin’ down at the corners.

Looks at him like he feel pity and Ash don’t want it.  He don’t want nothin’ from no pig.

“The fuck you want from me, Cap?” He finally demands, “You ain’t processed me yet, so I know you want somethin’.  Just spit it the fuck out already,”

Jenkins shakes his head.  He’s sweatin’.  Got a line of it tricklin’ down his temple.  What’s he got to be nervous for, Ash wonders. 

He was the one in the hot seat.

“You’re too smart for me, kid,” the captain tells him, and Ash feels sick.

Yeah, he was too smart.

Too smart for everybody.

All bein’ smart ever got him was hatred and unwanted attention.

All bein’ smart ever got him was men’s greed and lust.

“We need your help, Ash,” Jenkins finally admits.

“No,” Ash tells him immediately.

He ain’t doin’ this again.

He ain’t puttin’ himself in that position.

“Please, Ash,” Jenkins pleads, “this guy… he’s been pickin’ kids off.  He doesn’t even clean up, doesn’t try to hide it.  He just leave the bodies where he kill’s em.  Kids like you.  Street kids that nobody’ll miss…”

The captain seems to realize too late what he’s just said, his face goin’ pale.

“I didn’t mean that,” he starts and Ash laughs.

“Yeah you did, Cap,” Ash tells him, “and fuck, it’s true.  Don’t nobody want me, ‘cept pervs on power trips and pigs who think I’m good bait for a trap,”

Jenkins lips thin, and Ash can see the guilt rollin’ off him.  He wishes he’d save it.  He don’t want no ones pity or hard feelings.

“Please, Ash,” he begs again.

“I almost got killed last time I helped you bastards,” Ash says, voice flat, “so what are you gonna’ give me if I help you this time to make it worth it?”

He can already tell by the look on Jenkins face that he won’t be able to give him nothin’. And Ash hates himself. He hates himself, ‘cause he knows already he’s gonna’ accept, ‘cause he can’t… can’t just let some perv fuck keep killin’ kids out there. Not if there’s somethin’ he can do to stop it.

“… I’ll make sure you aren’t charged with solicitation,” Jenkins tells him now, as if that’s some sort’a consolation.

Ash scoffs, folding his arms.

“Could’a just left me alone for that,” he spits, “instead you wanna’ dress it up like you’re doin’ me a favor by not puttin’ another mark on my record,”

Jenkins looks away, shoulders slumping.

“… I’m sorry, Ash,” he says, sounding suddenly ashamed, “… I just… we can’t catch this guy… we don’t know what else to do,”

“… Yeah, you pigs don’t ever know what to do. You let kids like me pay for your fuck-ups, and then expect me to fix it for ya,” he shakes his head, “but fine, I’ll be your fuckin’ bait, Cap, so long as you let me go after. No… no callin’ up Dino to bail me out. You let me go, Scot-free,”

Jenkins looks relieved, a heavy breath punchin’ outta’ his lungs.

“Of course,” he promises, “whatever you need. And… and thank you, Ash,”

He holds his hand out, like he wants to shake on it or some shit, but Ash ain’t interested, ignoring it.

I’m a fuckin’ idiot, he thinks dismally.

Maybe he was always gettin’ screwed-over by life ‘cause the big brain between his ears wasn’t good for nothin’ that actually mattered.

//

It goes south.

He finds the man… or more like, the man finds him.  Big brute of a bastard, gets the jump on him, dragging him, kickin’ and screamin’, into a back alley.  Gets Ash pinned up against the rain-slicked brick wall.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, Ash thinks as he struggles in the man’s hold.  Fuckin’ fallin’ asleep like that.  Wasn’t no excuse.  Didn’t matter if he hadn’t slept none the last three days.  Wasn’t no excuse, and now he was gonna’ pay the price.

The guys hand around his throat is like a vice, chokin’ the life from him, and panic takes Ash by the heart, a horror show of lights blinkin’ and poppin’ in his eyes as he struggles to breathe.

He can feel his legs, kickin’ frantic and desperate, tryin’ to get any kind of purchase, any kind of leverage.

But he’s no match for the brute strength of this freak, and Ash knows, if he don’t do somethin’ quick, he’s gonna’ die here, in some stinkin’ back alley hell hole, where nobody’ll ever find him.

He remember then, sudden and sharp, the knife tucked away inside his coat pocket.  Just a small switchblade, but it should be enough, if he aims right.

He goes for it, slippin’ his hand inside his jacket, fingers fumbling and spasming around the handle.  It slips from his grasp more than once, and Ash grits his teeth.  He can feel himself tippin’ toward unconsciousness.  He knows if he blacks out, it’s over.

Finally, he manages to get a good grip on the thing, pullin’ it free. 

He depresses the button, the blade springing free, and Ash don’t hesitate.

He slashes the thing, right across the fuck’s face, catchin’ him in the eye.

The man drops him and Ash falls, hard, to his hands and knees.

He convulses, body sucking desperately for air, strangled gasps and wretched coughs in between, the air burning like fire in his lungs.

He don’t got time for it.

His brain screams at him to get up.  Get up now!

He forces himself to, the man’s pained moans coming sudden to his ears.

Ash sees him, stumbled back against the opposite wall, grasping at his face.

Blood seeps between his thick fingers.

For a moment, Ash stares at him, frozen in place, his heart hammering against his ribs, blood in his eats.

Black spots dance across his vision, everything blurred into an indistinct haze.  Somewhere, he’s aware of the already aching pain of his crushed throat.

“… kill you,” the man is muttering, “I’ll fuckin’ kill you!”

Ash’s heart slams harder, and he realizes with a start he’s dropped his knife.

He don’t know where it went.

His eyes search the ground frantically, but he can’t see shit in this light, can’t get his vision to clear enough to see anything.

“I’LL FUCKIN’ KILL YOU!” The man screams, and suddenly he’s lunging at Ash, hands outreached, fingers curling like claws to grab him.

Ash catches sight of his horrible, twisted face, his left eye slashed wide down the middle, a congealed sludge, mangled in the socket, a mask of red over everything. 

He barely manages to duck underneath the man’s reaching hands, and then he’s gone, feet slamming, turning over fast he can make ‘em against the wet pavement, his breath like thunder in his ears.

He breaks from the alley and sprints down the street.

He hears the man behind him, running after him, and Ash’s heart is in his throat, a numb horror through his guts.

He can’t let this guy catch him.  Can’t.  He doesn’t wanna’ know what’ll happen if he does.

But he’s got no place.

No place to hide.

The cops weren’t in sight.  He’d ditched his ear-piece a couple nights back, not interested in havin’ a tail. 

He wishes now he’d kept it.

It flashes then, in his mind, the one place he can go.  The one place he’ll be safe.

‘Least, from this fucker, he will.  Safe from the pigs, too.

Dino.

He don’t want to.  Last place he wants to go.  But ain’t no way this fuck’ll ever find him there.

He breaks for the nearest subway station, then.  Can still hear the bastard at his heels, refusing to give up.

Ash’s knees are like rubber as he barrels down the stone steps leading underground, prayin’ to a god he don’t even believe in that there’s a train waitin’.

He almost chokes with relief when he sees there is, passengers milling slowly in and out.

Ash crashes into them as he pushes his way through the crowd, ignoring the cursed insults flying his way as he just barely makes it through the closing doors of the train.

He falls forward, collapsing into one of the seats, mouth hung open in gasping breaths, heart threatening to push itself from his chest.

His hands are numb as he buries them in his hair, leaning forward onto his knees.

He only realizes, minutes later, how violently they shake.

//

“Ash,” Dino greets him, the sick satisfaction in his eyes making Ash’s skin crawl, “how unlike you, to come without being called.  To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Ash swallows back the bile in his throat, shovin’ down the voice, tellin’ him this was a mistake.

“I just… needed to get off the streets for a while,” he lies weakly, and knows Dino don’t buy it.

He stands from his chair, eyes narrowing as he stares down at him, chewing absently on the end of his cigar.

“Did you, now?” He asks, stepping nearer, and Ash resists the urge to step back.

“Y-yeah, I just… things were getting hard,”

“Come now, Ash, you expect me to believe that?  You’re an old hand at surviving the streets these days, are you not?”

Dino stands right in front of him, now, towering over him, and Ash turns his face down, swallowing past his tightening throat.

Dino’s hand on his chin forces his face back up.

“Tell me the truth, boy, or you’ll be sorry.  You know I don’t appreciate your lies,”

Ash’s eyes burn, and he wills the tears away.

“… Someone was… was after me,” he confesses weakly, “he… he wanted to kill me,”

“Oh, and who might this man be?  One of your clients?”

Ash knows, if he lies now, and Dino finds out he was lyin’, he’ll be fucked.  Whatever punishment Dino was gonna’ hand out to him for gettin’ pinched by the cops, for agreein’ to work with ‘em, it wouldn’t be as bad as him finding out Ash’d lied to him about it all.

So he admits it.  One, long stream of word vomit, a sick nausea in his gut as he watches Dino’s eyes grow black with displeasure.

“I see,” he says, once Ash has finished, voice deceptively calm, “that is unfortunate, boy,”

Ash only sees Dino’s hand raise.

He doesn’t have time beyond that for anything before the back of it comes crashing down on him, the blow whiting his vision and sending his mind to black.

//

When he wakes, he’s in his room.

The room Dino makes him stay in whenever he’s here, Ash reminds himself.

He doesn’t need to check the door to know it’s locked from the outside.

His face is a rage of pain, the taste of blood in the back of his throat, and he reaches up tentative fingers to feel at his swollen cheek and eye, flares of agony through the tender skin as he presses against it.

Dino musta’ kicked him again after he’d passed out.

That means he was mad.  Whenever he hit Ash that hard… he was really fuckin’ pissed.

A headache throbs through his temples.

Shit…

He’d made a mistake, he thinks, comin’ here. 

He shouldn’t of… 

Should’ve taken his chances out there on the streets, even with that psycho after him, he…

He’d panicked. 

Wasn’t no way around that.

Comin’ to Dino, he’d let the fear get him.

And now he was here, and he wouldn’t be allowed to leave ‘till Dino allowed it. 

He already knows what’ll happen.  What Dino’ll expect of him tonight.

For a moment, there’s an agonized despair, crushing the breath from him.

And then… nothing.

It’s his life, he tells himself.

This is his life.

Dino will rape him, and that’s the way it is.

No use in cryin’ about it.

No use in complainin’.

He did it to himself this time, coming here when he shoulda’ known better.

He did it to himself.

Whatever comes now, he’s got no one but himself to blame.