#But Freddy you're married to me

[lovelydialeonard]

Gentleman Jack, S01E07 (2/2)

MARIANA LAWTON “Seriously, you asked her to marry you? To - (she whispers, even though there’s no real need to) To exchange rings? And alter wills? And move in?” ANNE LISTER “Yes. Well. I hadn’t raised the matter of wills yet, but - (MARIANA goes quiet and thoughtful) What’s the matter?” MARIANA LAWTON “All the things we talked about doing?”

[lovelytsunoda]

tell it to my heart // jenson button (instagram au!)

summary: jenson and his pop-culture icon wifey celebrate their wedding anniversary and the fans reminisce on how they got there.

pairing: jenson button x 2000s actress! reader

faceclaim: sarah michelle gellar

notes: genuinely sarah michelle and freddie prinze have my whole fucking heart…he’s truly and utterly infatuated by her and they just love each other so much, I’m getting weepy just looking at their wedding photos-

2000sthrowbacks On this day in 2010, "Scooby-Doo" and "I Know What You Did Last Summer" actress Y/N Y/L/N announced her engagement to Formula 1 driver Jenson Button. To celebrate, we're counting down our favorite Y/N roles, starting with Daphne Blake in "Scooby-Doo" and "Scooby-Doo: Monsters Unleashed!"

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user how jenson bagged this baddie i will never understand

-> jensonbutton i still don't understand it either but i love her and she loves me and i hope it stays that way

user mother

user I can’t believe they’ve been married for ten years already….they haven’t aged a day

user I love how they’re both majorly successful in their own fields yet still managed to make time to support each other, even when it meant that YN had to turn down an audition for ‘the ghost of girlfriends past’ so she could be there to watch brawn win the championship

user real talk, has jenson ever asked her to wear the buffy the vampire slayer costume in bed (because if i was him that's what i'd be doing)

->y/nbutton only once and it was awkward for both of us.

Y/N Button on Live with Kelley and Mark

y/nbutton added to her story!

jensonbutton just posted!

liked by y/nbutton, markwebber, lewishamilton and others

jensonbutton happy anniversary to the love of my life, the most beautiful woman in the world, the mother of my children. she's definitely too cool for me, and i take that in stride. in fact, on the day we got married, fernando asked me if i still wanted to go through with the wedding, and that i should tie you down before you realized you could have literally any man in the world. needless to say, it felt surreal that you chose me. we've spent fourteen beautiful years together, and i can't wait for fourteen more.

i love you, y/n.

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y/nbutton i love you more and more with every passing day xx

fernandoalonso you were punching way above your weight class hermano

-> jensonbutton and yet im the one with a wife and you're not?

-> fernandoalsonso shut up

alex_albon she's everything, he's just ken

-> user LMAO ALEX WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

user parents

user dilf

-> y/nbutton agreed.

-> user milf

-> jensonbutton yes.

TAGS:

@magnummagnussen @libraryofloveletters @diorleclerc @lorarri @cartierre @thatsdemko @userlando @twinkodium @sidcrosbyspuck

[trueloveistreacherous]

Freddie, I want you. I never freaked out about marriage because I never wanted to get married before. But being with you makes me want to think about this stuff. In a good way. And also, as it turns out, in a not good way. Okay. So you want to talk about it? The not good stuff? I want to tell you everything, because you're my person and I hope you always will be. I'm not going anywhere. My plan is to be here any time you need me. Miranda Cosgrove and Nathan Kress as Carly Shay and Freddie Benson in season 3 of iCarly (2021-present)

[vidavalor]

Fish: A Good Omens Sex Meta Thing

A deep dive meta on fish and that deathless death.

NSFW under the cut. TW: Mention of Satan's attacks on Crowley. Also for those who asked me for more on the Ineffable Husbands and trauma-informed partnership.

Aziraphale, listen to me. The supernatural world? It's a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they've got Up there...

This is basically the requested "Crepes 2" but you don't have to have read that first. I did link it at the bottom if you have not and you're interested in more meta like this one. Thanks for reading. 💕

Couples. Romantic and/or sexual partners who have an understanding of a mutually-agreed upon level of commitment to one another and their relationship. Frequent celebrators of special occasions.

"A team-- a group; group of the two of us." A couple.

Special occasions. Notable life events celebrating milestones and past days significant to a couple's relationship.

"For special occasions." Why Aziraphale bought one dozen cases (144 bottles) of Chateauneuf-de-Pape in 1921, as he either tells or reminds Crowley on the walk to the bookshop in 2008. Only "a few bottles" were still left at that time, according to Aziraphale, after 87 years of Crowley and Aziraphale celebrating special occasions enough times as an unofficial couple between 1921 and 2008 to have drank almost 144 bottles of the wine they only drink on special occasions.

Wedding anniversary. A special occasion; the "big one" of a married couple's special occasions. Celebrated annually by married couples as a romantic day that honors their commitment to one another. In S2, the day of The Meeting Ball is the night that Armageddon: Round Two gets underway. It is also the wedding anniversary of...

Mutt and his beloved spouse. The lovely magician who owns Goldstone's Magic Shop in 2023 and his beloved spouse, who is dry-witted, trans and had on a dress the color of Crowley's eyes at The Ball. Paralleling characters to Crowley and Aziraphale.

Anniversary. For partners who are not married, usually celebrated as a day of significance in their romantic relationship, chosen for its importance to them. Almost always related to a "first" in the relationship, like the day they first met or on which they had a first date.

"This is The Big One, Crowley..." What Satan (while impersonating the voice of Freddie Mercury) said to Crowley about Armageddon while assaulting him in 2008, on the night Armageddon: Round One began. Crowley was supposed to be having dinner with Aziraphale at the time.

The 1.01 sushi scene. Our re-introduction to Aziraphale in 2008. A series of indicators that we learn throughout the course of the season teach us that Crowley was supposed to be with Aziraphale in the Japanese restaurant on this night before he was delayed by Hell, assaulted by Satan, and forced into helping to start Armageddon.

Various scenes in S1 show us that Crowley always comes up on the same side of Aziraphale if he is approaching him from behind when meeting him but we don't yet know that in the first scenes of 1.01. As a result, we might not immediately realize that the reason why Aziraphale opens his eyes and looks to his left after hearing a miracle chime in this scene is because he expected that it was Crowley arriving to meet him after having been running late. In reality, it turned out to be Gabriel on his right-- which Aziraphale first sees in a mirror and which will be mirrored in additional scenes in the show (Crowley dragged to Hell in 1827 and the Gabriel statue on the other side of Aziraphale, etc.). Dialogue from the scene set the next day in St. James' Park that we will look at later on in the meta also confirms that Crowley was supposed to be with Aziraphale in the 1.01 sushi scene.

The sequence of scenes at the start of the 2008 minisode also sets this up by giving us Crowley alone first and letting us revel a bit in how fun he is and like him even more. The contrast with Hastur and Ligur establishes for us that Crowley is about a trillion times smarter and more enlightened than these guys. It's the second scene with Satan, though, that exists to show us that while some of the demons are just idiots, demonic life for Crowley is actual hell.

The "Bohemian Rhapsody" he so endearingly rolled up blaring in The Bentley comes back and now takes on a nightmarish tone as Crowley receives instructions from Satan while driving The Bentley and we learn that Satan can possess him at will and Crowley's sunglasses-- even in the dead of night while driving alone-- start to make more sense. They're a defense mechanism but he's actually defenseless in the face of this threat. It's from watching Satan get in-- through the radio, taking over the music, speaking through the voice of a non-evil entity, jumping through the air and through Crowley's sunglasses through his eyes and into his mind and rendering his body immobile while he's driving The Bentley-- that we are taught the core of what it means to be a demon in Good Omens.

The demons belong to Satan, in Satan's view. They are part of his collective of souls who exist to serve him. They are not individual people existing independent of him. There is no such thing as bodily autonomy in Hell.

What Satan does to Crowley in 1.01 is a metaphor for sexual assault. It's a forcible attack on his body against his will and without his consent. Though the scene is mercifully short, we are left with the awareness that it is short for reasons of the plot in this instance-- because Armageddon is beginning and the purpose of the attack in this moment is to give Crowley directions on delivering the antichrist baby. The scene, though, shows us that Satan can do this to Crowley whenever he wants and Crowley-- an otherwise very powerful being-- has no known defense against it. Crowley is unsurprised by it and that, plus all his various defensive layers already in existence in 1.01, show that it has happened before. Crowley has been on Earth for 6,004 years in 2008 and the implication here is that these assaults have been happening periodically the entire time and are among the issues most responsible for the PTSD symptoms he shows throughout the show.

It's off of this assault, though, that we segue into our re-introduction scenes of Aziraphale in the present and they are, at the start, the exact opposite of this nightmare that Crowley is living. As Crowley is attacked in his car on a dark road alone at night and then has to narrowly avoiding killing a man in an oncoming truck, we move over to Aziraphale's world, not yet realizing that this is the world that Crowley lives in when he can get away from Hell-- that it is actually their world together.

Aziraphale is presented with the sushi from his friend who has prepared it specially for him and we listen to Aziraphale thank him. The Italian of "Bohemian Rhapsody" (symbolic in this moment of Dante's Inferno and Hell) gives way to Aziraphale speaking Japanese (symbolic of mindful living.) The tone is all kind and gentle-- respectful and peaceful. We then get what is, really, the exact opposite of what just happened to Crowley, which is Aziraphale taking a slow breath with his eyes closed, inhaling the scents of the brine of the fish and vinegared rice and the herbs, and centering himself in the present moment as part of the experience of enjoying his meal.

The immediate contrast is drawn between Satan-- Crowley's rapist, who terrorizes him-- and Aziraphale-- Crowley's partner, who loves him, and with whom he has the kind of consensual, mindful, sensual experiences he was supposed to be getting up to on this night when Armageddon began instead.

In S2, the importance of the sushi scene from 1.01 returns as it is mirrored during the attack on the bookshop. Once again, Crowley is away from Aziraphale when he should have been there by that point and Aziraphale is worried about him. Present instead is, once again, Gabriel. This time, Gabriel has undergone a bit of a Jim journey. (Aziraphale offering him hot chocolate instead of tea in 2.01 was also set up by the sushi scene, as it's off of Gabriel being grossed out by the "rose matter" tea, showing again how important the scene is.) In S2, Gabriel is with Aziraphale again, this time pushed back further into the bookshop, and where are they in the bookshop-that-represents-Aziraphale during the sushi scene mirror? They're upstairs, on the landing.

Specifically, they're just inside the top of the stairs in front of a room, the door to which we are shown several times in S2 but which we have not yet seen open.

We have gone into the room next door to it-- that's the guest bedroom, where Gabriel stayed during the season. By process of elimination and out of an idea of convenience here, the room we haven't been inside of that is located at the very top of the stairs is almost certainly Aziraphale's bedroom. So, we've gone from S1 and having Gabriel show up unexpectedly while Aziraphale mistook him for Crowley while he and Crowley were supposed to be having one of their sexy meals together to S2 and Gabriel now there in the mirror scene in front of their bedroom, drawing a bit of a correlation between what these two scenes are both about.

There's also something symbolic to the idea that S2 uses invitations and doors and rooms in the bookshop to symbolize Aziraphale himself and who he lets in and whose voices he is, for better or worse, listening to at different times-- with his mental health crisis being symbolized by the bookshop being essentially overrun to a point that anyone can now get in. The one room that is shown to us but the door to which never is opened in S2 is the bedroom door. The bookshop can get overrun and others can get deeper into it than we've seen before-- demons in the living room, Maggie and Nina and Gabriel upstairs and in the back kitchen table area like the family they've become-- but the bedroom door stays closed because only Crowley and Aziraphale are allowed in there. No one but them can open the door. Metaphorically-speaking... and probably literally as well.

As the sushi scene is paralleled in S2, we get Shax there bullying Aziraphale. Shax is jealous of Aziraphale and his relationship with Crowley and she also fails to understand it because she sees Crowley as a demon like her and presumes he's as dark as she is, having no idea that Crowley's demonic schtick is an act to survive. She gives voice to these questions (and to Aziraphale's most illogical self-doubts-- but self-doubt is never logical...) when she asks:

"Aziraphale, what *are* you? Crowley's emotional support angel? The softest touch? The one who went native? Do you need more big, human meals, Aziraphale? Shall we send up *the sushi*?"

Shax is actually doing something here, language-wise, that the show first did with Hastur in 1.01, and that's making them both useful idiots when it comes to language. Remember Hastur's mistranslation of "ciao" as Crowley leaves the graveyard with the baby? What Crowley said was, as we know, Italian-- Hastur got that bit correct-- but instead of translating it in his mind as meaning the "hello"/"goodbye" that "ciao" means in Italian, he confused it with its homophone of "chow", which he said "means 'food'." It does but in an informal way or in reference to food given to animals.

This is darkly ironic in the scene because of where Crowley is headed in the next scene-- and where he's supposed to be during both scenes. He's supposed to be "chowing down"/having food-- having dinner-- with Aziraphale and food is, as we'll learn over the course of the 2008 minisode, euphemistic for sex in Ineffable Husbands Speak and symbolic in relation to it in the show itself overall. Instead, Hastur isn't entirely wrong when he translates "ciao" as "chow"-- and he might have done so unconsciously in his mind because he knows Satan is going to contact Crowley with instructions soon. He sees Crowley as "chow"-- in the sense of food fed to the animal that is Satan.

In 2.06, while Crowley is taking Maggie and Nina to safety outside the bookshop, Satan is mentioned when Shax demands that Gabriel and Beez be given to her to take "as gifts for Our Master Satan." Dagon-- Head of the Dark Council and not known for mincing her words-- replies that Satan "wouldn't want them... maybe as hors d'oeuvres." Not a single person in the room-- which contains almost every major non-human character in the show shy of Crowley-- disagrees with this assessment. Rape is not about sex-- it's about power-- but in a show that uses food as euphemistic for sex on several different levels, Dagon's comment is chilling.

It not only takes the attacks on Crowley that are already a metaphor for sexual assault and codes them through food in such a way that the feeling you get from the 1.01 Satan scene-- how it comes with an implication that the assaults aren't always a delivery of instructions-- is correct and that, unsurprisingly, Satan is a rapist in every way possible, but it also sees someone who would know in Dagon state that Satan would not actually care that much about Gabriel and Beez. He'd rape 'em, sure, is what Dagon is saying. He's Satan. But they would be just hors d'oeuvres. They're not who he's really fixated on.

The Grand Duke of Hell who betrayed him and their former Supreme Archangel partner are not interesting to Satan is Dagon's statement and not a single person in the room challenges that. No one says anything about it and the scene is deliberately structured so Crowley is not in the room when it's said to create this reaction in the others... the implications of which are just horrible where Crowley is concerned.

Back to Shax in the bookshop attack scene...

Shax parallels Hastur here because they are using her lack of language skills to highlight something to us by what it is that she doesn't understand. Much like with Hastur unintentionally spelling out what's really going on through mistranslations of words, Shax is trying to bully Aziraphale and she's tossing insults at him that are, actually, in the alternative meanings of what she's saying, the answers to the very questions she's been asking.

"Aziraphale, what *are* you? Crowley's emotional support angel? The softest touch?..." In insulting Aziraphale, Shax is using Crowley's mental health issues as a way of insulting both of them here, which shows how Hell obviously isn't exactly the most trauma-aware place. She's obviously saying that Crowley is comparable in mental health issues to humans (whom the demons see as beneath them) who have a need for emotional support animals. Like Hastur with the "chow", there's an animal comparison being drawn beneath the words used here but instead of the ominous lead-in to Crowley being attacked in 1.01, in S2, we have it about Crowley and Aziraphale, not Crowley and Satan.

So, Shax is calling Aziraphale Crowley's pet, right? And then she calls Aziraphale "the softest touch", which is a phrase meaning someone who is really gullible. What Shax doesn't realize is that the other, human-derived meanings of what she just called Aziraphale are the answer to the question of what Aziraphale is to Crowley.

In British slang, "pet" is a term of endearment. To pet someone is to touch and kiss in a way meant to be sexually arousing-- as in, "heavy petting."

The softest touch. This is, quite literally, the definition of a caress.

In S2, Aziraphale pats his and Crowley's pet-- The Bentley-- but he pets Crowley. The only time he tries to actually pet The Bentley is when he's semi-jokingly making it a sexual metaphor for Crowley. It underscores that Shax is almost there in getting it-- she's just not quite understanding the meaning of her own words-- which are words that, like Hastur's ciao/chow moment, exist to tell *us* something in how we look at them more than to tell the character speaking something.

In effect, we get a whole scene in S2 that parallels the 1.01 sushi scene by defining some more what it's really all about through Shax not quite fully getting it. What is Aziraphale to Crowley? is her question and the answer is the softest touch, just in the other meaning from the way that Shax says it. Aziraphale is kind to Crowley and gentle with him. He's the mindful sushi night in the face of the horror chow of Hell. They love each other. It's soft and sweet and that's why Shax has trouble understanding it-- it flies in the face of what she thinks the demon Crowley would want because of the reputation Crowley has sold everyone on regarding who he is, which isn't who he really is at all.

"The one who went native. Do you need more big, human meals, Aziraphale? Shall we send up *the sushi*?" Aziraphale is the angel who "went native"-- he lives a mostly human existence with Crowley alongside the humans. Shax clearly doesn't eat that much as no one has ever called sushi a "big meal" lol but besides that bit of humor aimed our way, this is more tying of food to sex. Aziraphale likes food and he likes sex and in Ineffable Husbands Speak-- which Shax does not speak-- food is euphemistic for sex. What's unnerving about this scene in this moment is that it plays like the later scene between Maggie and Shax does-- as if Shax is reading the thoughts of the character she's bullying and lobbying them back at her. She might well be doing this here and that's why the sushi comes up-- Aziraphale is thinking about it because Crowley should be here and isn't and Gabriel is right near him instead and it reminds him of 2008. (This wouldn't be the only callback to S1 in this sequence, either; there's Aziraphale explaining the fire extinguishers to Nina not that long after this.) Either way, it's writing designed to directly correlate this part of the bookshop attack with the 1.01 sushi scene to further underline what the 1.01 scene is about.

Okay, so, let's look then at why we're so into repeating bits of this sushi restaurant scene in GO and what it tells us about Crowley and Aziraphale's story by what other scenes it ties to...

As the 1.01 episode continues, we get another scene pretty soon after the sushi scene which adds another layer to this by recontextualizing our understanding of the sushi scene-- that's their lunch at The Ritz the next day, in which we learn that Crowley is rather into watching Aziraphale eat and Aziraphale loves it. This then helps to explain Aziraphale's look in the sushi scene when he turns to look in the direction of where he thinks Crowley will be on the left, before it clicks that Crowley is not there and he sees, instead, Gabriel on his right via the mirror on the wall.

Aziraphale hears the chime with his eyes still closed. His eyes are then still on the food when he reopens them and he hasn't had time to see that Crowley is not beside him before he turns in that direction and this is the expression on his face as he does:

That is a pretty sexy little look that was indisputably supposed to be given to Crowley...

In the later scene where they're at lunch at The Ritz, we come in on their meal at the end of it. Aziraphale is on the last forkful of his dessert and we get the idea of kinky lunch from what we see on the tail end of it. But before it? Back at the start of the episode, set the night before? We see that everything that happens the next day at The Ritz actually happens because they weren't able to be together the prior night. It will also help us to understand how Crowley knows about "the fascinating little restaurants where they know" Aziraphale in the St. James' Park scene.

The 1.01 sushi scene tells us that, by 2008, they sometimes sneak out to a quiet, dark place where they think they won't be seen to have dinner together.

What's most notable about the set of this scene in the sushi restaurant is the shocking brightness of one color in particular.

The scene leading into it, as we noted, is Satan's attack on Crowley in The Bentley and that scene is, appropriately, very dark. It's pitch black night outside and Crowley, in his perpetual black clothes, half-blends into the night around him. Flecks of grey and silver are the main sources of light in the scene. The same color scheme tips into the Aziraphale sushi restaurant scene-- with two exceptions. The silver grey remains (Gabriel) and so too does the thick, black darkness but there is more light in the restaurant and it shines over Aziraphale. He looks bright against the black darkness, even though he wears beige. He is the light that is missing from Crowley's scene. But that's not the shocking color to us in the scene. That's the one that saturates its way through the darkness around Aziraphale. That color is...

Pink. The color you get when you mix white (Aziraphale) into red (Crowley). Traditionally, a color of love, romance and health.

Pink plume. The energy field emanating from the bookshop when Crowley and Aziraphale performed a miracle together to protect Gabriel in 2.01. Also: part of Mrs. Sandwich's hair accessory during The Meeting Ball. Mrs. Sandwich represents sex and healthy communication in 'The Whickber Street Shopkeepers and Traders Represent The Stuff of Life' thing the show has going on.

"In the pink." A phrase meaning "in good health."

1967. Flashback scene in the 1.03 Cold Open in which Aziraphale gives Crowley holy water and they discuss their relationship-- specifically, trying to be more openly together. The scene is drenched by the pink light from the sex shops (one called the "Love Shop") that were then in the spot where Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death (symbolic of freedom) is in S2.

Jane Austen. One of the most famous writers to ever live (sorry, Crowley, but she is lol.) Writer of romance novels. A human that both Crowley and Aziraphale knew in the early 1800s. As Aziraphale brings her up to Crowley while they are talking about romance, pink floods the frame through the clothes on the extras in the wider part of the shot besides him. Pink is also present throughout this scene in general, which already parallels 1967 via it being related to set up, The Dirty Donkey and Crowley's turtleneck.

Back to the pink-dipped sushi restaurant in 2008... what else do you notice about this scene that is familiar, now that you've seen all of S1?

Maybe that Aziraphale is actually sitting at a bar? And thought Crowley would meet him there, so they would be sitting at the bar together? Aziraphale also had just spoken at the start of the scene with the restaurant person on the other side of the counter. Where have we seen one of them doing something like that before?

That other rather fish-oriented scene: Rome. 41 A.D....

Rome. 41 A.D.. Aziraphale runs into Crowley in a tavern in Rome. Crowley is miserable and not having the best day of his demon life. Frustrated by the temptations he's been sent to perform for Hell that have him enabling horrible men in the Roman military, he's lonely, tired and grouchy. This initially was worsened by the arrival of Aziraphale, whom Crowley always loves to see but who, in that moment, was a reminder of how broken Crowley felt.

PTSD. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. A psychological condition brought on as a result of experiencing the psychological shock of a traumatic event or events. Some symptoms of PTSD include disturbed sleep, difficulties feeling safe, difficulties trusting yourself and others, anxiety, depression, and intimacy issues.

"In the pink." Remember the phrase meaning "in good health'"? Not a lot of pink in the Rome scene... initially. 😉

"Salutaria." What Aziraphale says in toast as he and Crowley clink glasses. Means "to your health." Crowley clinked glasses but quickly looked away, leaving Aziraphale thrown in the moment as to why Crowley was not rejecting his presence entirely but seemed uneasy and was putting up some walls between them that he had not in this way up to this point.

So, why was Crowley doing that?

Anorgasmia. Modern, clinical umbrella term for all issues relating to disorders surrounding an individual's ability to orgasm. If physical or medicinal reasons are eliminated, however-- as they often are-- then anorgasmia is a psychological mind-body disconnect.

Not an arousal disorder. Sufferers of anorgasmia still experience desire, compounding the impact of the disorder.

Secondary anorgasmia/situational anorgasmia. The inability to orgasm unless under certain conditions, such as through self-stimulation (masturbation). The inability to enjoy partnered sex. Extremely common in rape/sexual assault survivors.

(Diagnosis for anorgasmia are related to biological sex but Crowley is able to switch that at will so he'd be both of these, which are fundamentally the same thing.)

Hot Water Boiler. Device which heats up water in a house or apartment. In S2, a metaphor for anorgasmia.

In S2, Shax is living in what used to be Crowley's apartment and asks him if he knows how to fix the hot water boiler, as it has "two yellow lights" and isn't working. The point is that this used to be Crowley's apartment. Crowley, in 2023, knows how to get beyond a bout of it. He's fixed his own metaphorical hot water boiler-- and also the literal one when he used to live in that apartment. And while he's being sarcastic because Shax won't stop hounding him and Aziraphale, he's also giving her the most sage advice he knows, as he has continuously been doing during the season. In this case, it's to self-love a bit (which is actually prescriptive for anorgasmia in our modern times as well.) That he does is suggestive of the prior issues with secondary/situational anorgasmia.

Alcohol (in Ineffable Husbands Speak). As we looked at in the Crepes meta: Surface layer: alcohol. Hidden language layer: Sex. Quite extraordinary amounts of alcohol. An extremely alcoholic breakfast at The Ritz.

Whiskey. Alcohol. What Crowley orders in a bar. Usually Talisker, which is a single-malt scotch. (Scotch being whiskey made in Scotland.)

Broken bottles of whiskey. What was in the case Crowley brought Mrs. H in 1941 at the start of the sexual metaphor that is The Bullet Catch.

Trauma-informed partner. Modern term for a romantic and/or sexual partner of a trauma survivor who is aware of the pervasive nature trauma can have on a person and who endeavors to provide a sense of safety-- physical, psychological and emotional-- for their partner and to create a relationship centered on healing and recovery, rather than one that causes further distress.

Frequently survivors of one or more forms of abuse themselves, as Aziraphale is. Not expected to be perfect but just to do their best by their partner.

Characteristics of trauma-informed relationships include kindness, empathy, mindfulness, gentleness, well-earned trust, a sense of playfulness, and a well-developed shared sense of humor. (Sound familiar? 😊)

The Bentley. Crowley's car and Linus blanket. As sexual metaphor, when Aziraphale is feeling cheeky: Crowley himself.

Driver's license. Documentation that must be obtained in order to operate a motor vehicle. Requires permission, experience, necessary skills, and willingness to learn. In London, not originally necessary to drive upon the invention of cars, until everyone realized what an absolute disaster that was. Aziraphale long ago passed his test and has had a driver's license since shortly after Crowley bought The Bentley. They did not require licenses at that time but always-eager-to-be-thorough Aziraphale made them give him a test to be sure he was truly qualified to drive.

As sexual innuendo: Crowley, we're absolutely ridiculous. You won't give up your car and I wall myself off in a fortress of books I can't part with but you've been "in my bookshop" and I've been "driving your Bentley" for an absurdly long amount of time. We even swapped bodies a few years ago. It might not actually be possible to be any more intimately familiar with a person than we are with one another and we both know I had these car keys the moment I asked for them so hand them over. No one was exactly a trauma-informed partner in those days but I was-- aren't I marvelous?😉I'll treat your car as gently as I treat you. Give me the keys or I will just keep going until I run out of car sex innuendo and I should warn you that I have lots more...

Trauma-informed partner. Aziraphale.

Mindfulness. A state of mind that focuses on being in the present moment by being conscious of one's thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations. A state of the mind being connected to the body and experiencing the present moment consciously and fully. Frequently used to help combat PTSD, anxiety and depression. Also frequently used as a therapeutic intervention for assault survivors experiencing intimacy issues.

Aziraphale and Crowley smelling the magic shop in Season 2 and Aziraphale inhaling the scent of the sushi in 1.01 are both examples of mindfulness exercises. The sushi scene is tied to sex, as the food kinky thing is a form of foreplay, suggesting a focus on sexual mindfulness in bed.

Mind-body connection. What is in need of repair in sufferers of situational/secondary anorgasmia. Sexual assault causes the body to associate a loss of control with being under threat. Whereas people who have not experienced a violation of their bodily autonomy tend to respond to sexual stimulation with a response of pleasure, those who have been hurt have bodies that are wired to react to being touched or to feeling out of control as if they are under threat again, even if they are intellectually aware that the new situation they are in is not dangerous. What is arousing for others can cause a sense of anxiety instead of pleasure. There is also the risk of flashbacks to being attacked.

Healing the mind-body connection requires a trusted partner with whom the person suffering from anorgasmia feels safe and who is willing to help keep their partner in the present moment and help them "re-wire" and recover their body through new, positive experiences.

Asmodeus. The Demonic Prince of Lust. Crowley. A persona to have in Hell to give him big reputation that didn't involve him having to kill anybody and that also acted as a cover for his anorgasmia.

"Crowley." What Crowley asked Aziraphale to call him in 33 AD, just 8 years prior to Rome. An admittance of being mad about Aziraphale.

"What am I supposed to be, an aardvark?" In Rome, as Crowley grows nervous by this wine-drinking Aziraphale who also has nothing to do for the evening that has shown up in his world on a miserable day, he responds to Aziraphale's "still a demon, then?" nervous chatter with a line of his own, asking what else he was supposed to be? An aardvark? Of course, if Crowley was not a demon, being with Aziraphale would be easier and he wouldn't be in this mess in the first place but an aardvark is not just a random animal that Crowley thought up here.

Just prior to this moment, Aziraphale had approached him with "Crawley-- Crowley" and a soft smile. It wasn't actually a mistake on Aziraphale's part but a silent question: is it still alright to call you that? Thanks to S2 and the Job minisode we can see the 33 A.D. scene- in which Aziraphale learns of Crowley's new name-- in a different way. We see it as Crowley romancing Aziraphale a bit-- responding to Aziraphale being obviously a little jealous of Crowley's reputation as the wild Asmodeus with a whisper of how he'd changed his name to "Crowley"-- something that we know now that only Aziraphale understands. In Rome, eight years later, Aziraphale is asking by saying both names if that's still something Crowley feels-- and silently saying he hopes it is by subtly asking and by flirting with him a bit.

Crowley doesn't object to Aziraphale calling him "Crowley" and that encourages Aziraphale to join Crowley, who sends signals that he wants his company, even if he's grouchy. Maybe especially because he's grouchy. He can be grouchy around Aziraphale, who is his friend and will listen.

Aardvarks. Primarily eat ants and termites. In the insect metaphor in the show, humans are ants. (The "ants go marching" of The Flood scene.) Demons were hornets in this analogy but also flies and one could assume that termites might also be a good demonic insect analogy, as termites eat decaying plant material and demolish the dying down into the ground. Since food is sexual metaphor on Good Omens and living creatures are metaphorical in multiple ways, being an aardvark then is being someone who both fucks and kills other demons and humans. Being an aardvark is actually a good metaphor then for what's expected of Crowley in Hell and he obviously has some issues with it.

He doesn't want to kill anybody and he's sitting there wearing Roman military regalia, having been sent by Hell to facilitate some death and destruction in a way that he hasn't been able to Bildad his way out of this time. Aziraphale's presence is always welcome but Crowley's crabby in this moment because he knows Aziraphale is in a place by this point where he wants to sleep with him and they just ran into each other in a tavern and both clearly have the night free and now Crowley's got to decide if he's going to tell the angel or not that he's a disaster of an aardvark.

Aphrodisiacs. A substance purported to increase sexual desire. Named for the Greek goddess of sexual love and beauty, Aphrodite, who has been depicted since antiquity usually nude and on the shell of an oyster (or, occasionally, a scallop), as both are two of the oldest purported aphrodisiacs known to man.

Oysters. History's foremost food-related aphrodisiac... though that's not really proven. A few years ago, Italian and American scientists did a joint study to attempt to prove if oysters really did increase virility. What they found was a very minor increase in testosterone in men brought on by one of the compounds of oysters (which is also found in some other kinds of shellfish.) The difference was so small, though, that the scientists determined that an individual would have to consume a lot of oysters (like, a bucketload) to notice any significant difference. In other words?

Whether it works or not is, like with almost all aphrodisiacs, in the mind of the individual. If you believe it will work, it likely will. It's mind over matter. If you want it to work, it probably will. Thematically, an interesting thing to throw in a scene involving a character deciding he's in a place to work on overcoming psychologically-based anorgasmia.

The ancient Romans were obsessed with the oyster-- particularly the soldiers of the Roman military. Much of the cultural awareness of oysters as having a reputation today as being sex-boosting food is actually rooted to the beginnings of that trend in ancient Rome. Both Crowley and Aziraphale would have been aware of the reputation of the oyster in 41 A.D. and Crowley wearing military regalia might have been one of the reasons, in particular, that Aziraphale chose oysters as an euphemism to convey his meaning.

Oysters. Fish. To eat them, you have first got to get them out of their protective shells.

Adam and Eve. The first humans and the other inhabitants of The Garden of Eden. Parallels to Crowley and Aziraphale. Eve gave Adam food-- showed him the pleasures of eating the apple. It sent them on a path of sensual exploration and Adam, freed by Eve showing him food, gave her sex in return.

The other two in Eden at the time-- The Angel of the Eastern Gate and The Serpent of Eden-- are actually no different.

Crowley tempted Eve but Crowley also parallels Eve to Aziraphale's Adam. Crowley encouraged Aziraphale to try the ox ribs and unleashed the raging hedonist that Aziraphale can be. Rome in 41 A.D. is Aziraphale then realizing just how much they are Adam and Eve. (Something that they become aware of over time and is at the root of things like Crowley dryly saying that it's "time to leave The Garden" in 2019 in S1, when they leave a park to go have kinky lunch together.)

By Rome, Aziraphale is now a devoted gourmand. He also drinks now; he's tried wine at some point in the interim years between the Job minisode and this scene. (This is the first scene in which both Crowley and Aziraphale drink and the first time we see them share a toast-- something that becomes symbolic of them as lovers in scenes in the future, like its parallel scenes in 1941 and 2019-- furthering the suggestion of Rome as the start of their sexual relationship.)

Aziraphale might be in Rome on Heavenly assignment but that's not what he mentions to Crowley, if he is. Instead, he talks about Petronius, whom he assumes from Crowley's military clothes that Crowley will know and whom Crowley does. If referring to, as we suspect, Gaius Petronius Arbiter, then Aziraphale is referring to a being so queer even the historians can't get around acknowledging it-- a courtier who was the taste and style maker of the Roman empire, and who is believed to be the author of The Satyricon, which is basically the foundation of satire in literature but also famously contains a whole chunk of it that is just basically erotica.

Some details of Petronius' life are a little vague so Good Omens is exploiting the wiggle room here to suggest that he actually did own a restaurant. In reality, Petronius wrote in The Satyricon a description of ancient Roman feasts that have been seen as maybe barely satirical because of the whole bacchanalia of the period that Petronius was satirizing. So, by 41 A.D., Aziraphale is moving in wealthy human queer circles in ancient Rome and enjoying all of the pleasures life on Earth has to offer... and he's found Crowley alone in a tavern and is throwing as many of these things together in a sentence at one time as possible to convey an overall sense of would you like to join me?

The Job minisode has already happened. Aziraphale is more than aware that Crowley was enjoying watching him eat. They're both here with the night free and blending in amongst the crowds has never been easier than it was in highly-populated Rome. Aziraphale is used to picking up humans and it's different than it is with Crowley, who is quasi-immortal like he is and his friend and somebody for whom Aziraphale has feelings. There's also something funny about the fact that Crowley is in a (literally) hellish mood and Aziraphale is pretty undeterred and still goes for it. In attitude, Aziraphale is basically like You're in a terrible mood--you need to get laid, Crowley. Lucky I showed up, isn't it? 😂

Meanwhile, Crowley is fully aware of what Aziraphale is up to. He's known since he heard Aziraphale approaching him and has been mulling over how he's going to handle it. The grouchiness isn't just about his bad day-- it's anxiety manifesting as crabbiness. To his credit, Aziraphale seems to get that even before Crowley more specifically shares the source of that anxiety.

So, Aziraphale goes for it and how he does is to pick up on their way of speaking to one another euphemistically that they started in Job's courtyard and introduce food as a way of speaking about sex. This is already amusing in S1 but it's funny as fuck after S2 when we know that the ox ribs have already happened at this point and that that's why Aziraphale is going this route. Aziraphale's like how to see if Crowley wants to smash? Tell him I'm hungry wink wink... 😉

I would also like to point out that they are already in a tavern that sells food. In the wider shots of Crowley in the second half of the scene, a plate of food is on the table beside him. There are oysters *in this bar* lol. Oysters were not uncommon in ancient Rome by this point-- if this conversation were really entirely just about trying this particular kind of seafood, they could just order some from the woman who served Crowley his drink who is three feet away for the entire scene and try oysters right here.

By bringing up Petronius and another restaurant where they sell sexy fish, Aziraphale is laying down an ancient Roman, euphemistic equivalent of do you want to get out of here?

To tell Crowley that he [Aziraphale] hears that Petronius "does remarkable things *to oysters*." To ask Crowley to go to bed with him.

Specifically, to see if the food kinky Crowley wants to go with him to Petronius' new restaurant and try these oysters the human guys are so on about and then go back to where Aziraphale is staying and see if the oysters really do anything to their oysters.

With this one sentence, Aziraphale has just turned "oysters" into three specific, separate-but-interrelated things at once:

1) oysters are fish-- just the seafood itself-- as we're always also talking about the thing on the surface level as well in Ineffable Husbands Speak and this is no different. Petronius makes some yummy oysters, according to the restaurant reviews of ancient Rome, and his new restaurant is an opulent food orgasm of a place and Aziraphale correctly thinks that would be appealing to both of them. He loves to eat and Crowley loves to watch him eat and does Crowley want to go on a little date to do that-- just also with actual sex this time?

2) oysters are aphrodisiacs-- Aziraphale is bringing up the fact that everyone is talking about how eating oysters can increase your sexual desire and bring about more pleasure for you and your partner(s) in bed. Aphrodisiacs are evocative of partnered sex. Not that you can't take them for fun times on your own but most people do not so bringing them up then sets up the verbal italics of "to oysters" that lands Aziraphale's invitation, unintentionally, straight in the heart of Crowley's issues, because:

3) oysters are a partnered sex orgasm-- Aziraphale says he (Petronius) "does remarkable things to oysters" so Petronius makes delicious oysters, which are what you eat to increase sexual desire and therefore what apparently cause you to experience more pleasure for longer and to climax harder... the innuendo is that the oysters (the aphrodisiacs) do things to your oysters (your orgasm).

Surprise twist, Aziraphale...

Crowley has made sure it never occurs to anyone that he has problems in bed and that has included Aziraphale up to this point.

Crowley basically now has a couple of choices. He can gently rebuff Aziraphale's offer, hopefully without embarrassing him too much, and they can try to pretend this never happened, and then he knows that Aziraphale is probably never going to ask him again. Not an option. Who knows when else they might find each other with the night free like this again? and Crowley does want to try.

He can pretend there's nothing wrong with him and stress himself into a disaster, like he's probably tried to do with humans before but they die within a couple of decades and take the embarrassment with them but Aziraphale's going to live for ages, is really his only friend, and Crowley's in love with him. Crowley's self-sabotaging at times but he's also an optimist and a romantic, and it's those things that give him some hope that he might not be permanently broken.

Finally, there's that he can just tell Aziraphale the truth because, let's be real here, the angel wants to try it and like hell is Crowley saying no to that.

So, he doesn't.

(Note the red squiggles on his costume that look pink in the light and like a heart monitor jackhammering-- with anxiety, with arousal-- and the candle that burns a pink flame where the light hits the jug.)

"I've never eaten an oyster." Aziraphale has defined an oyster between them as an orgasm had during partnered sex and that is what Crowley is saying he's never had.

He's also possibly saying that he has never eaten an actual oyster-the-seafood, because even though they were pretty common in Rome in the era, Crowley eats less than Aziraphale does, apparently hasn't been in Rome that long, and has had, until this moment, no reason to try the fish everyone is throwing back to try to increase their sexy times as Crowley's just been avoiding any sexual situation like the plague.

This is both a leap of faith on Crowley's part and a moment indicative of just how much he trusts Aziraphale. He needs every other living being to believe he's Asmodeus but Aziraphale can have the real, unvarnished truth because Aziraphale is the only person Crowley trusts not to hurt him. He knows Aziraphale can keep his secrets and that they have their own private world where vulnerability is allowed. He knows that Aziraphale is his friend beyond anything else.

This is telling Aziraphale that he'd like to try but he's kind of a mess. He doesn't want Aziraphale to feel like it's his fault if this doesn't work and he wants him to know what he's getting into. Crowley has long harbored a suspicion, though, that it would be different with Aziraphale, which is also why he wants to give it a try. If the angel can't help him rewire himself here, no one can.

Emphasizing this is Aziraphale's reaction. If they had been talking about pizza, maybe this reaction would have fit lol but it's clearly not a reaction to learning that Crowley has never consumed one particular kind of squiggly, hard-to-eat, honestly not that great seafood. It's a reaction much more befitting learning Crowley has not experienced something far more delicious and life-affirming than actual oysters-the-seafood.

"Oh-- well, let me tempt you to--" Just consider this moment from Aziraphale's perspective for a minute...

Serpent of Eden Crowley? He is literally the spark that lit the flame of all of humanity here. By tempting Eve into free thought and sensual pleasure, he also empowered her into teaching Adam these things. As a result, Crowley is basically responsible for sex on Earth-- for all of its history. If you live in the Good Omens universe and you've ever had an independent thought, a sensuous experience, or an orgasm, you owe Crowley a thank you note.😂Every play Aziraphale has ever seen, every meal he's ever enjoyed, every human he's ever taken to bed-- all of those experiences are indirectly because of Crowley.

Aziraphale has wanted him for quite literally ever. He compares everyone else to him. No one else has ever made him feel like this. He knows they're attracted to each other but he never felt like he knew what, if anything, he had to offer Crowley. The hottest being he'd ever seen freed him from the prison of his own repression here-- what could he ever give Crowley that was worth something like that? How do you learn together and try new things and adventure together with someone who seems like they're leap years ahead of you and know all the things it took you a long time to find out?

It's at "I've never eaten an oyster" that Aziraphale realizes that the being who freed everyone else got left behind and Aziraphale can fix that. He is good at burning holes in prison walls. Protection and arming others against threats to them and healing and kindness-- that's what he does. He's been here thinking for ages that Crowley would never need anything from him that he knew how to give like this but now he sees it differently. They've shown each other already by this point that they're good at being partners but this one aspect of it always felt to Aziraphale like it would be imbalanced. In Rome, he realizes that it isn't.

Aziraphale doesn't have the vocabulary we have today for these sort of issues and Rome wasn't exactly a bastion of trauma-informed sex lol but he didn't need any of that because he's intuitively good at this. He already knows that it will be fine because Crowley doesn't know it yet but he effectively already told him that it will-- by telling him in the first place. Aziraphale knows that trust and desire are what's needed and that they have those in spades. All he really has to do here is help Crowley relax and get out of his head.

Or, as Aziraphale will put it during the 1941 sexual metaphor that is The Bullet Catch plot: "You do the shooting. I'll do all the hard bits."

What gets Crowley's attention in Rome is how utterly confident Aziraphale is. How empathetic but unpitying. Aziraphale doesn't hesitate and he trips over himself accepting the challenge-- which is awfully cute-- but it's that Aziraphale doesn't treat him like he's broken or seem to see this as daunting that works for Crowley. There is a lot of internalized shame and fear and pain associated with anorgasmia and Crowley has been stewing in this for a very long time up until Rome so for Aziraphale's response to be not dismissive of it but, instead, reassuring, was exactly what Crowley needed. Aziraphale's whole attitude is oh ok no problem should we get going now or..? While he was not happy about Crowley having had difficult experiences before because he doesn't like to think of him in pain, he was really into the idea of Crowley thinking it could be different with him.

Aziraphale really, really, really likes being the person Crowley let in enough for this. Pardon the Crowley pun here but Aziraphale has never stopped crowing about it between them in thousands of years and if Crowley weren't besotted with him, he would have murdered him over it by now. (See: an example in 1941 that we'll look at near the end of this meta and "I had to miracle in the cherries" in Good Omens: Lockdown.)

"No, that's... that's your job. Isn't it?" Aziraphale's use of "tempt" to offer Crowley sex is then something of a joke between them because neither of them are tempting each other in a demonic sense of the word at any time. They find each other tempting though, in the sense that they find each other attractive. To use "tempt" with one another is just to ask each other if they are in the mood for something, not to influence the other into doing anything ("tempt you to a spot of lunch?" and "temptation accomplished" in 2019.)

This is really established first in the Job minisode, chronologically, as Crowley didn't so much tempt Aziraphale to try the ox ribs so much as he just offered them to him and Aziraphale decided to without influence. The same is true for Crowley choosing to try sex with Aziraphale in Rome-- he's really already chosen to by not saying no and that's all before Aziraphale's "well, let me tempt you--".

When Aziraphale replies to Crowley's reaction to the "tempt" line with "No, that's... that's your job. Isn't it?", Aziraphale is teasing him a bit. He's saying he sees through Crowley's massive control issues and that he gets him. You always have to be in control but you don't always want to be. Well, today's your lucky day, Bildad, because we're partners in this now.

Or, as it's known in 2023:

Flame burning pink as Crowley smiles a little for the first time in the scene:

"Oysters! Oranges!" What Juliet (the woman selling snacks) calls out as the opening dialogue in the 1601 scene to entice prospective buyers, the only one of which really is Aziraphale. Oysters-- aphrodisiacs. Oranges-- cinematic symbol of death. Aziraphale chooses...

"Some grapes please! They look scrummy." Grapes. Fermented grapes are wine. Wine is alcohol. Alcohol is sex. We haven't a need for oysters anymore and we shun symbolic death in favor of the little death. The grapes look "scrummy", shortened version of "scrumptious", meaning both "delicious" in food terms and "sexy enough to eat" in people terms. Aziraphale eats them in front of Crowley during the scene.

Oysters. What Crowley and Aziraphale had in ancient Rome.

Oysters. What Crowley and Aziraphale had in ancient Rome.

Oysters (in Ineffable Husbands Speak). Both an aphrodisiac and an orgasm, but...

...since they don't want to bring up anorgasmia every time they're flirting or talking about sex for the rest of their very long lives... and since oysters on their own are really hard to work frequently into conversation and would get a bit old pretty quickly, they need another word.

So, based on what we've seen in the series, it evolved into...

Oysters = Fish.

Fish live in the ocean, amongst other sea creatures.

Fish & sea creatures (in Ineffable Husbands Speak). An orgasm.

Anything related to the ocean (in Ineffable Husbands Speak). A metaphor for sex.

If it is in or lives in water, it's prime material for climatic innuendo. If it has multiple meanings in English? It will be used frequently as part of wordplay. If it pertains to the ocean or lends itself to destructive adjectives (shipwrecks, sea monsters, bubbling seas and rising waves), it will absolutely be a sexual metaphor at some point.

Such as...

Wahoo. A kind of fish. Also: an exclamation of joy. For obvious reasons, Crowley and Aziraphale's favorite fish joke.

In 1941, Aziraphale seeks feedback in the dressing room on their sexual metaphor Bullet Catch performance-- that they are both more than aware of-- and Crowley agrees that it went well and dryly suggests they "chalk up a win for the side of the angel", turning the common phrase that is usually "...side of the angels" singular to reflect only Aziraphale, who is over the moon that Crowley enjoyed it and cheekily replies "wahoo!" before their flirting is interrupted by Furfur.

Decades later, Crowley gives another stellar performance-- the full, epic saga of his M-25 Orbital Disruption-- to the joyless, miserable lot in Hell and concludes it with a line that he plans to tell Aziraphale later to make him laugh:

Carp. A kind of fish. Also means: to stand around and bitch. Aziraphale telling Crowley to stop standing around getting off on grouching and go get Maggie and Nina for The Meeting Ball in S2.

Gravlax in Dill Sauce. Cured salmon. This one is special and we'll look at it in the Dill Sauce meta about the St. James Park scene soon.

Ducks. Waterfowl. Aquatic birds. This is long enough. 😂 They are a whole separate meta.

Pickled herring. A kind of fish, cured in salt. What was dumped out of the barrel by Elspeth in The Resurrectionist minisode so she could use the barrel to transport her corpse. Crowley and Aziraphale spend half the minisode dragging around a barrel that should contain fish (the little death) but actually contains a corpse (actual death)-- foreshadowing the fact that their date will end with Crowley dragged to Hell and the start of the holy water arc of misery for them.

Red herring. A dry, smoked fish that turns red as it is smoked (ooh la la...) 😉 Also: A literary device, in which something is established with the intent of it distracting the audience from something else in the story. Elspeth and her pickled herring barrel are a red herring that changes The Resurrectionist minisode story from what the audience thought it would be into what it is, distracting the audience from the fact that the story actually began with Crowley and Aziraphale meeting in a graveyard at midnight for... ah... reasons. Aziraphale also turned 'red'-- turned to Crowley's side-- during the course of the episode, even as his shot at getting him some "pickled herring" that evening went up in hellfire smoke.

"Sargeant Shadwell." The hilarious, Sean Connery-esque way that Crowley said Shadwell's name in 1967, made funnier by the fact that a shad is a type of fish... and part of the herring family and this scene itself is a red herring. It misleads the audience into thinking we have a whole new plot about Crowley leading a break in to a church that is rendered inert within a matter of minutes when Aziraphale gives Crowley holy water. Shadwell's name is basically 'Fishwell' and, for Madame Tracy's sake, I hope that's true and not ironically funny. Either way, doubtful that Crowley and Aziraphale haven't joked about his name before. Shad also phonetically sounds like 'shag', the British slang word for fucking, and Crowley's tone of voice in the scene had a ring of 'shag' connotation to it.

Kieler Sprotte/Kieler Sprotten. A German smoked herring dish. A hidden reference in the Baraqiel entry in 'The Demon's Guide to Angels...' book that Furfur had in 1941. Baraqiel is Crowley and the entry, based on what's in it, was written by Aziraphale. One of you requested a meta on Baraqiel so that's on deck for now.

Newt. A semi-aquatic salamander. They live in the water but only some of the time. Also: Newt Pulsifier, an extreme parallel of Crowley who breaks all technology he touches, loves his less-attractive-than-The-Bentley car, and falls for a being who has issues with the purpose they feel they were put into the world to fulfill. Newt gets "in the water," metaphorically-speaking, when he has sex for the first time in S1 with the Aziraphale-paralleling Anathema, which is another example of how he's a more extreme version of Crowley, whose parallel to Newt is Aziraphale helping him through his intimacy issues.

Flounder. A kind of fish. Also means: to struggle helplessly in water. "To flounder" is frequently confused with "to founder", which is wordplay intentionally being used by Aziraphale in the "Seeds of Destruction" scene in S1, which we'll look at in the requested Seeds meta soon.

Bananafish. A kind of fish. Also: the first two words of Aziraphale's magic words. Is it "bananafish" or is it "banana, fish"? It's a little unclear and possibly situational. It's also likely both and a reference to wordplay and sex via fish. "The Bananafish" is also a short story by J.D. Salinger about trauma, PTSD and suicide that correlates to S2 quite a bit but we can look at that in a more Aziraphale's-trauma-centric meta.

The 'drunk-in-the-bookshop' scene. Part of the 2008 minisode, in which Crowley and Aziraphale are drunk and talking on the surface about Armageddon but are actually flirting with each other using sea-related terminology to make some drunken sexual metaphors.

Whales and dolphins. Sea-dwelling mammals. Not fish but live like them, alongside them. Damn big brains. Whales, in particular, are their own metaphor in Good Omens-- above and beyond Ineffable Husbands Speak-- but, in this context, they are non-fish creatures that live in the ocean, so Crowley is equating himself and Aziraphale to whales and dolphins in the drunk-in-the-bookshop scene and calling Aziraphale smart and clever in doing so. He is too drunk to come up with how smart they are ("brains the size of... *gives up* damn big brains" lol). His point is that Aziraphale is so smart, which is so hot, and that's his point. Brain city, whales.

Off of this, a drunk Aziraphale has heard Crowley say "damn big brains" and is thinking you know what *else* is big, Crowley?

"Kraken! Oh, great, bigggggg bugger..." Totally plastered Aziraphale is undefeated at Completely Wasted Wordplay, though, and he has a mythical monster and a whole attempt at a sexual metaphor for Crowley here, thanks to whatever brain cells are still kicking around in his damn big whale brain. The Kraken is huge and we aren't just talking about smart anymore, nope... Adding to the humor is the use of 'bugger'-- The Kraken is a massive one and we're talking about both in size and in terms of quite extraordinary amounts of buggery that Aziraphale wants to get up to here...

Giant squid and octopi. Also not fish but live in the sea, much like the whales and dolphins that Crowley had just mentioned and probably one of the reasons why Aziraphale's mind then goes towards The Kraken.

The Kraken. Mythical sea monster from Norse mythology. The Kraken-- and sea monsters, in general-- are thought to be based on giant squid and/or octopi. Particularly before days when squid and octopi were understood, The Kraken was sometimes described as a "sea serpent". Crowley, in Aziraphale's sexual metaphor here, is The Kraken-- is the great, bigggg bugger who is:

"Supposed to rise up-- right up-- to the surface. At the end. When the sea boils." We're talking about Armageddon on the surface but we're talking about sex under the surface and The Kraken is a mythological being who does not exist, making this drunk conversation even funnier. Adam will manifest The Kraken into existence later on in the season-- but, prior to that, the actual Kraken was a myth. Aziraphale and Crowley both know that. Neither of them believe in The Kraken-the-sea-monster. Aziraphale is just using it as a joking sexual metaphor while they're drunk as all fuck to flirt with Crowley using their whole ocean-themed innuendo.

"The Kraken" is "supposed to rise up, right up, to the surface, at the end". The sea serpent going from the depths of the cold black sea to cresting the surface of the ocean at the end of days, which is Aziraphale using destructive sexual metaphor-- using disaster, death, apocalyptic terminology, etc. as a metaphor for sex. Armageddon is the end of days is a sexual climax. "The Kraken" rises to the surface of the ocean "at the end-- when the sea boils"-- when it becomes too hot and there's no other choice but for the sea serpent to come... to the surface. 😉

"There is a lot of 'underlying unspokenness' and it comes to the surface now and again." Michael Sheen quote describing the nature of Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship in S1 in the interview below. I'd bet serious cash he's specifically thinking about The Kraken scene.

Thanks to @procrastiel for showing me the interview.

"Well, that's mah point! Dolphins and whales-- whole sea bubbling-- hard to keep everybody from turning into bouilla--" Crowley's response to Aziraphale's The Kraken metaphor. Actually surprisingly witty at the start considering how drunk they are (it's their damn big whale brains hitting on something every few words lol.) It is, indeed, his point that Aziraphale is talking about-- his boiling point-- but Crowley uses "point" in the other meaning here as well (as in, "that's the point of what I was saying!").

"Whole sea bubbling-- hard to keep everybody from turning into bouilla--" Everybody, eh, Crowley? 😂I thought we were talking about fish being boiled in the end of days here? (Someone ought to get Crowley and Aziraphale to make videos explaining climate change lol.) These fish and dolphins and whales seem like they could be easily mistaken for people? Like, say, you and Aziraphale, hmm?When the whole sea gets bubbling and it's just too hot in here, it might, indeed, be hard to keep you both from turning into...

Bouillabaisse. A fish soup that is frequently referred to as a fish stew, which is what a drunk Crowley calls it. The dish is French and when Crowley is too drunk to get the word out, he keeps repeating the first half of it-- "bouilla"-- which comes from the French verb "bouillir", which means "to boil". He heard Aziraphale's "when the sea boils" and his mind took it to the fish joke of bouillabaisse. To boil is, of course, to cook something in very hot water.

Crowley is too drunk to get the word out in full and repeats the "boil" part of it, getting distracted at one point and calling Aziraphale "baby" while they make hilarious, drunk, kissy faces at one another, before redirecting it with "fish stew-- anyway! It's not their fault."

A bouillabaisse features at least two different kinds of fish cooked together and served alongside one another in the same bowl.

Bouillabaisse/A fish soup or stew (in Ineffable Husbands Speak). Climaxing together/simultaneous orgasm.

"Fish stew-- anyway! It's not their fault." The end of the 'bouillabaisse' portion of the scene and yes, it's not the fault of the actual fish that will be turned into bouillabaisse when the world ends but this is also Crowley thinking of Aziraphale's earlier "hereditary enemies" comment and saying again that it's not their fault, they didn't ask for this. Tossed drunkenly into this getting sloppy sexual metaphor, it's pretty funny as it's also saying wouldn't be their fault if they turn into bouillabaisse later as who could blame them? World ending, been waiting for days, bouilla bouilla baby...

Good thing they sobered up because they were one more bottle of Chateauneuf-de-Pape away from just speak-singing "Under the Sea" at one another. Even the sturgeon and the ray, angel! They get the urge and start to play! That's *mah point*... 😂

"Heaven will finally triumph over Hell." One of the coded things that Aziraphale said to Crowley in the 1.01 St. James Park scene. While the surface layer of this conversation is about Armageddon, they're actually talking on the hidden layer about having not been able to be together the prior night. The key bit to this that I'm mentioning here is the use of the word "triumph"...

Triumph. A triumph is obviously a great victory or success but the history of the word is interesting. It originally meant a victory parade-- a processional-- held for a victorious general upon his return to ancient Rome. It was exclusive to Rome for a time as a word and still is how historians refer to that type of processional.

By using "triumph" in the St. James' Park scene, Aziraphale correlates the would-be sushi night with Rome.

Sushi. Raw fish mixed into vinegared rice, along with other ingredients. What Crowley and Aziraphale usually go out for in the modern era on their unofficial anniversary, which is the date of the first time they had sex in ancient Rome.

1,967. The number of years between the first time Crowley and Aziraphale had sex and when they were trying to meet to celebrate that special occasion in 2008 in 1.01. Armageddon: Round One began on their 1,967th anniversary. A reference to:

The 1967 scene, in which they talk about their relationship, and "dine at The Ritz" is said.

41. The number of years between Aziraphale suggesting they could one day "dine at The Ritz" in 1967 and when they did for the first time in 2008. A reference to:

The 41 A.D. scene in Rome, which shows how they first became lovers.

Well, with one caveat...

Hellfire and Holy Water. Substances produced by the physical corporations of angels and demons which are lethal to one another's "opposite kind"/"enemy." Aziraphale's body can make Holy Water, which could liquidate Crowley into non-existence. Crowley's body can make Hellfire, which could burn Aziraphale into the same.

As such, they spent some time concerned that each other's, em, "hellfire" and "holy water" might be harmful to one another, until they disproved this theory. This historical HIV allegory is alluded to in the "angel-demon, probably explode" Discorporated!Aziraphale scene in S1 (to "explode" also meaning to "explode a theory"-- to disprove it) and also in this scene here, in The Big Damn Sexual Metaphor that is The Bullet Catch:

Aziraphale's dry "just aim for my mouth but shoot past my ear," right?

So, how did they figure out that they wouldn't kill each other?

Kingdom of Wessex. 597 AD. The Camelot scene. Crowley and Aziraphale cross paths in the time of King Arthur and are so damn over canceling each other out at work. After Aziraphale rebuffs Crowley's initial proposal of basically quiet quitting Heaven & Hell-- just doing the paperwork and phoning it in-- because he thinks Michael will figure it out (not because he doesn't want to lol), the two part the scene without a resolution... but the 1601 scene provides that resolution for us via the reveal of The Arrangement.

Back in 597 A.D., after the scene we saw, Crowley and Aziraphale got creative in trying to find a solution to their work woes and wound up experimenting with what they had been told by Heaven regarding what their capabilities were. They uncovered that Crowley could still do blessings and Aziraphale could do temptations. So long as they kept pulling power from their respective head offices, it didn't matter what type of miracle they did and no one in Heaven or Hell figured it out. This then caused them to also realize that if they were biologically similar enough to be able to do the same miracles, then odds were high that they actually wouldn't hurt one another if they had more expansive sex and they decided to try it. They're both still here so obviously the end result was nothing but wahoo. What else is suggestive of this besides the already mentioned scenes? This one, in 1941:

Excalibur. King Arthur's sword. Excalibur's Chest. The famous swords-in-the-box magic trick, on sale at Goldstone's in 1941. Swords are as much sexual metaphor as guns. Note what's between them in the magic shop in 1941 when they agree to perform The Bullet Catch together that night, after a performance by The Ladies of Camelot:

This is part of the reason why they also use performing miracles as innuendo-- besides the fact that there is just a lot of material there lol. It's because it took them 556 years after Rome but they happened into figuring out Heaven's big secret and it freed them to boff each other senseless for the last *maths* 1,426 years as of S2 lol so it's kind of irresistible. An example is Aziraphale in S2 with "the 25 Lazari miracle you and I performed together the other night" which is on the surface, sure, about the miracle they did together to protect Gabriel but which Aziraphale makes actually sound like what they got up to the other night, probably the one before Gabriel arrived. He's talking about Muriel there for the Gabriel miracle but he's saying it with a tone of: I suspect that the angel is here to verify the miracle that was Sunday night. I'd imagine alarm bells must have been ringing in Heaven constantly since. You and I raised the damn dead, old serpent...

The Bullet Catch. A sexual metaphor for both "firsts"-- 41 A.D./Rome and 597 A.D./Kingdom of Wessex-- mashed together because they were similar... but also a metaphor for Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship overall.

The Bullet Catch requires them to trust one another and be vulnerable with one another. It's only possible because of how much they trust in and care for one another. Crowley's ability to fire the gun in a way that won't kill Aziraphale-- which Aziraphale is trusting him to do-- means that Crowley has to trust himself to do it. He has to believe himself capable of it and that he can relax enough to do it. He only believes this because Aziraphale believes it about him and makes him feel safe enough to focus. Aziraphale's trust in him allows Crowley to trust both himself and Aziraphale while Aziraphale's trust in Crowley allows him to let Crowley in enough to let him see his insecurities and be loved in spite of them, something Aziraphale's self-doubts and imposter syndrome keep him from doing with other people. Crowley knows he's imperfect and loves him madly anyway, something Aziraphale has trouble doing with himself and which no one else in Heaven ever has. Crowley's faith in and love for Aziraphale give Aziraphale the confidence to live more freely and feel like he's among the professional conjurers and not just on the outside of life. Their trust in one another helps them trust each other and that self-trust opens them up to experiences with each other that lead to ever-deepening trust of one another that lifts them both in a kind of feedback loop.

"Cheers for, um, getting me off the hook." Crowley thanking Aziraphale for helping him with the Mrs. H situation. He's more than aware that Aziraphale assisting with Crowley's broken alcohol bottles when alcohol = sex to them is more than a little metaphorical for their actual history and he chooses a fish reference as part of the thank you. "Cheers" is that British way of saying "thank you" but it's also obviously what people also say as a toast (which is also a word used to refer to warmed bread, which is also related to partnered sex in Ineffable Husbands Speak.) It's what Crowley actually says in 2019 at The Ritz at the end of S1 in the "Cheers. To the world." moment. Here, it's also a reference to the first time they did clink some glasses together in toast-- the "Salutaria" of ancient Rome. And what is this toast-y thank you of Crowley's for? For getting him off-- that is, for getting him "off the hook."

"Off the hook" refers to a caught fish being taken off the hook. It also became, over time, a phrase referring to communication, from the days of phones with cords. Leaving a phone "off the hook" meant that calls couldn't come through and communication couldn't be had. By 1941, the phrase would have roots in both origins and if we're talking about fish and telephones, we're talking about earlier in the evening in 1941 but we're also talking what it referenced to them symbolically about the past of their relationship. It is also absolutely why Aziraphale jumps on The Bullet Catch as his grand gesture once they get to the magic shop-- he sees a way to continue the metaphor that they're both more than aware of.

It also makes it a thousand times funnier then that poor Aziraphale essentially makes the same assumption about demonic life twice over a bazillion years apart. He thought The Bullet Catch would be a no-brainer, fun thing for them to do because he assumed that Crowley had fired a gun before, only to discover that this was now actually Rome all over again because while Aziraphale has a firearms license and a Derringer hidden in a hollowed-out book in the bookshop, this metaphor was suddenly way too on point because Crowley hasn't fired a gun with someone else around before-- in this case, at all, actually. His dry as all fuck "not as such" response to Aziraphale is well, we both know I've fired the metaphorical gun this rifle is standing in for here but yeah, no, I have no idea how to shoot this thing and I was going to miracle you safe and now those aren't working either so I have to do this for real and I'll just be over here trying not to have a panic attack...

Talking. Making sure the telephone is not off the hook is obviously always a good thing with everyone one trusts around them in life. In a relationship context, feeling safe enough to talk openly with your partner about things which make you feel vulnerable is the mark of a trust and what allows for deep intimacy. Talking in bed-- not just checking in with a partner but talking beyond that-- is a therapeutic intervention for anorgasmia, as it helps someone suffering from it to stay present in the moment. Tends to work in general but even more so if the person involved likes chat in bed as a whole, which a couple of scenes suggest Crowley does (the evolution of it into also some extra spicy chat in the "Seeds of Destruction" scene in S1 and his self-deprecating "you just say 'blah blah blah'" moment in S2.)

"We need to talk." What Crowley says in 1.01 when he calls Aziraphale from a corded public pay phone. This is the first time that Crowley and Aziraphale talk in the present, even if they're in separate locations, and the first time we've seen them interact since the opening scene of the show of them on the wall in Eden. We've spent the first part of the 2008 minisode re-introduced to them separately, not yet fully aware of how they were supposed to be together during it. Crowley doesn't wait until he's back in Mayfair after dropping off the antichrist baby-- he calls Aziraphale from the nearest payphone. He says "we need to talk", a phrase that is, for many, a relationship cliche that comes with a sense of the foreboding but we will learn from this scene also means other things to them.

For one thing, it's a code phrase that automatically triggers them to meet the next day at noon at St. James' Park. If one of them calls and says they "need to talk", they know that it means to meet the next day and when and where. This one they know a lot better than their four million alternative rendezvous spots, as we saw in that other scene in S1 when they set up meeting in the bandstand over the phone. Because it triggers St. James' Park, it means that the initial talk will be all coded in their hidden language, as that scene in 1.01 was, but that is also a form of communication for them and a kind that they actually enjoy.

For another thing, it means that they need to talk in general-- that something is happening and they need to talk about it, as was the case with Armageddon. At the time that they have this phone conversation, they don't yet know that one another already knows about Armageddon starting. We know from all the contextual clues we've already looked at here that they were supposed to be having dinner together earlier and that they also can't say that over the phone so when Aziraphale says: "Yes, I rather think we do. I assume this is about....?" there's a dryness to Aziraphale's tone because a form of talking was already on the menu. Sushi night is Rome and Rome had talking so, yeah, Aziraphale rather does think they need to talk-- to fuck-- and also Armageddon just started so they'll need to actually talk-talk about that as well at some point.

Crowley's response to what it's about, though, is destructive sexual metaphor. What do they need to talk about, on all levels, summed up by Crowley in a word?

"Armageddon." Armageddon: the actual end of the world and Armageddon: their big damn anniversary sex. The Big One. It's an apology of sorts for Hell detaining him and a request that they meet tomorrow.

The scene ends with Crowley placing the phone back on the hook-- indicative of understood, secure communication, the likes of which will be on display in the following scenes of the 2008 minisode.

Talking (in Ineffable Husbands Speak). Both verbal communication and physical communication. Talking means speaking. Talking also means making love.

"Trust me." What Aziraphale mouths at Crowley in 1941 to get him to be in the moment enough to be able to fire the gun. Absolutely one of the things Aziraphale said to Crowley to help him relax in Rome.

"I knew you'd come through for me. You always do."

Aziraphale pouring Crowley another glass of wine (and alcohol = sex) and the wordplay kink out here in full force as there are three levels of meaning happening at once. Surface level is about their success with The Bullet Catch earlier in the evening. Aziraphale knew Crowley would come through for him-- "come through" in the sense of he can always rely upon Crowley to be there for him when he needs him to be.

To "come through" something, though, is also to get through to the other side of something-- to have been able to pull through a difficult time or a struggle-- and refers to Crowley always coming out of dark periods and not giving up. But there's really also the third meaning, which is just the direct innuendo:

Some serious 'tone of voice' at play in this bit here performing a little magic trick and making that 'through' disappear right out of first sentence lol, turning it into: I knew you'd come for me. You always do.

Aziraphale's never going to stop being thrilled at their Roman triumph here and is still happy to remind Crowley in 1941 that they both know Aziraphale just does it for him.

"Well, you said 'trust me', so..."

Just prior to this, Aziraphale had been telling Crowley the magic words he silently said to keep the photo of them from Furfur (more fish-- "bananafish").

"Well, you said 'trust me'..." is Crowley saying "well, you said my magic words, so..." Aziraphale invoked Rome and talked to him so he got there.

"And you did." And Crowley did trust him, so it worked.

Aziraphale, though, is not just thinking about earlier that night in that moment in 1941 when he's staring off, reminiscing, before looking at Crowley like that...

...he's thinking about Rome.

"To drain the whole sea/Get something shiny..." Lyrics from Hozier's "Take Me to Church", pretty uniformly agreed as the most Crowley song that has ever Crowley songed, and which is on his official playlist in S2.

Pearls. The shiny things found in the sea. The jewels harvested from within the opened protective shell left behind by emerged oysters.

The original post referred to a bit in this one:

[george-weasleys-girl]

Fred Weasley x Reader? Perhaps smut where reader (I know Christmas passed but-) dresses up in an outfit and gives herself as a Christmas present towards him? Like after work or I don’t know if he and George close the shop at Christmas so up to you. 🫶

I had this crazy idea pop into my head and changed the timing up a bit. I hope you don't mind.🥹

Countdown to Midnight

Fred Weasley x fem!reader

Warnings: smut, cunnilingus, intercourse

18+ only

Being married to Fred Weasley was the easiest thing in the world.

Being the sales rep for Weasley Wizard Wheezes wasn't always as easy.

Especially when your job required travel half-way across the globe to New York city, during the worst blizzard of in fifty years, grounding all flights in or out of the Big Apple, a mere two days before Christmas.

You'd had a big surprise planned for your husband on Christmas Eve. It was a fantasy Fred had mentioned once ages ago, and you intended to fulfill it before now, but life and forgetfulness got in the way.

Well, mainly forgetfulness.

But then life intervened in the annoying way it does far too often, and the surprise had to be postponed until tonight. A week later. On New Years Eve.

And the timing had to be perfect.

~•~

"I'm ready for bed, love," you whispered in his ear, ignoring his attempts to pull you into the conga line dancing past.

Fred's jaw dropped. "It's less than an hour until the New Year, and you want to sleep through the big moment?"

"Sleep," you grinned. "Who said anything about sleep? I said I was ready for bed."

"Oh." Your husband froze for a second as his tipsy brain caught up with what you just said. "OH!"

"I can think of far better things to be doing at the stroke of midnight," you continued, putting particular emphasis on the word stroke. "Than, just kissing." You let go of his hand and winked before hurrying upstairs, leaving him standing there staring after you in a stunned daze.

~•~

You only had just enough time to throw off your party dress and wrap the giant red ribbon around yourself. The look on Fred's when he opened the door to find you leaning back against the window frame in nothing but a silk bow would go down in history as one of your absolute favorite moments.

"Time to unwrap your present," you smiled and pushed yourself forward, walking toward him.His gaping mouth shifted into the biggest, dorkiest grin to ever grace his face. You couldn't hold back the giggle that escaped your lips.

"What are you laughing at, woman?" Fred continued to grin.

"You," you smiled. "You're so damn cute."

"And you're so damn hot," he mummered, his fingers tracing the ribbon barely covering you. "And I'm going to fuck you so damn good."

You didn't have time to think before he unwrapped you with a single, lighting-fast move, his lips immediately working their way down your jaw. "A little reminder to the world that you're mine," he said, pausing to run his thumb across the purplish mark now decorating your throat.

A ripple of pleasure rolled through you, and you thrust your hips forward. Fred smirked at your neediness but said nothing. Instead, he continued kissing and licking his way down to your breasts, drawing a litany of moans from you as he took one nipple into his mouth, nipping and sucking hard, then moving to the other before gliding his tongue lower.

"Such a pretty pussy," he praised seconds before plunging his tongue into your pulsing heat.

"Oh fuck, Freddie..."

The way you gasped out his name and clawed at his hair reminded him of his own aching need. He slid his hand down to unzip his pants and pulled out his throbbing cock, a desperate groan escaping his lips as he slowly began stroking himself.

"Fuck me, please," you begged. "I need you inside me."

"Needy little thing, aren't you?" He teased, looking up at you. "Need to cum baby?"

You nodded your head. "Please."

He leaned forward and gave your pussy one long, excruciatingly delightful lick. "Not yet. Not until the clock strikes midnight." Then he dove back in, kitten-licking your sensitive nub as he wrapped his arm around your waist, holding you upright as he brought you to the edge only to pull away at the last moment, over and over while the clock ticked ever closer to the new year.

Shaking with need, you barely registered the moment he gathered you up and tossed you on the bed, moaning one your name when sheathed himself inside you in one long thrust. "No cumming until I say so," he groaned in your ear. "We cum together tonight."

Fred pounded into you in time with the ticking of the clock, driving you both closer and closer to your orgasms. "So close," you gasped.

"Me too," he replied, his little moans and whimpers almost sending you over the edge. "Just hold on a little longer. Almost... time..."

Downstairs, the countdown began.

He picked up the pace.

"Oh god," he moaned, barely able to hold himself back when you rippled around him.

"Just hold on a little longer," you teased, prompting him to throw your legs over his shoulders so he could slam deeper into you, knowing it would push you to your limit.

"3," he groaned, his eyes locked onto yours.

"2," he dropped down onto arms, his thrusts becoming more erratic and desperate.

"1," he counted, his forehead falling against yours.

"Now!" He barely got the word out before he exploded, filling you to the brim as your pussy pulsed around him, milking him for every last drop.

~•~

"Happy New Year, love," you grinned. "What did you think of your present?"

Fred chuckled. "Best way ever to ring in the new year. We should do this every year."

"Agreed," you said, planting a quick kiss on his lips.

"And every Valentines," he added. "And birthday. And anniversary. And Christmas."

"So every holiday, then," you giggled.

"I'll mark it on the calendars."

"Good idea," you said. "I'd hate to miss it."

"Mhmm," he nodded, pulling you on top of him.

You cocked your eyebrow at him. "Don't you think we should head back down to the party?"

"Why should we?" He asked, his hands roving all over your body. "When there's a perfectly good party going on right here in our bed."

[writersmacchiato]

Dating Billy Batson…

Pairing: Billy Batson x Reader

Warnings: first time writing for Billy/Shazam!

. . .

• He holds on too tight. He’s scared to lose you, it terrifies him. The constant insecurity that somebody better will come along and swoop you off your feet. Or that you'll get tired of him and leave.

• Once the puppy love/spend every possible moment together/attention starts to wane as everyday life gets in the way, Billy panics. Instead of a natural shift in the relationship, he sees it as the end looming ahead. It’s only after you’re a few minutes late to a date, forgetting to text Billy an update, and arriving to see Billy visibly upset that you realize just how much he’s hurting. Has been hurt. How careful you need to be with his heart.

• You take good measure to get better at communicating after that. Even if it’s telling him you’ll be busy from a certain time so you can’t talk or see him, it makes his heart spin at the fact you’re considering his feelings. He does the same, keeping you in the loop - though turning into his Shazam! counterpart makes that difficult (more on that below)

• Takes forever to open up but once he’s in, he’s in.

—texting you random things he thinks about, sending pics (you’ve seen too many of drooling Freddy and other various unflattering photos of his siblings).

—is SUCH a good listener. Will only interject with things like “-she said what!” or “-that’s like totally insane!”, always things that let you know he’s actually listening. He knows what it’s like to have no one to rely on, so he wants you to know that he’ll always be there for you. For anything. Even if it’s just a bitch sess.

• Grins like an idiot whenever you give him random affection. Kiss on the cheek, a quick hug between class, shoulder squeeze, hand holding. He loves it all

—That said, he's awkward reciprocating it. He never turns away from your affection, but giving it back... it's taken a lot of effort for him to be comfortable doling it out.

—the best he can do without squirming too much is hand holding.

—absolutely loves when you want a hug. the first few times he's stiff and will pat your back until you pull away first. now he loves to be wrapped around you.

• One time he was playing, and losing, a video game, when you came over and sat on the armchair beside him. hand resting on the back of his neck.

—intimacy like that makes him feel so mushy gushy. it's so casual but the affection behind it... makes him swoon.

• Jokingly says his love language is all 5 (words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and gift giving). he's half-joking. definitely needs a lot of time spent in your company to be reassured that you actually like him and want to be with him romantically (the one text post that goes: “do you like me?” “we’re married.” “answer the question.”)

—words of affirmation: will crumble if you're feeling extra verbally expressive, cheeks flushing red but trying to remain a cool front as he tells you, 'no no, keep going'. the first 'i love you' was such a rollercoaster. in the midst of an argument, you had been upset, worried about him.

“i just love you, okay! and it makes me really scared when i know you're out there being reckless."

his brain shortciruates and any frustration he felt drained away instantly.

“you love me" he whispered almost to himself.

you were exasperated. “of course i do, Billy."

will always feel a thrill in his chest when you say it, no matter the circumstance.

—acts of service: absolutely melts if you do anything for him. at all. even if it's something as simple as getting him a drink because you noticed he finished his old one. of course, once you've done something for him, he feels like he has to pay it back somehow. it takes awhile for you to get through to him that you like doing things for him because you like him, and not because you expect anything in return.

—physical touch: kinda already covered it, but it's reassuring to him. if he's having a low moment all he needs is a hug and he's already feeling better. your presence is soothing. can spend a long time just cuddling (super top secret, no one can know: Billy loves to be the little spoon). will tap your hand three times randomly, a little silent 'i love you'. does it without realizing. is so flustered over kissing. he will get cherry red and then deny being shy while his heart is hammering away in his chest. what a dork.

—quality time: has a set day of the week that you'll do something together, whether it's see a movie, have dinner, go to the park, etc. it doesn't matter what it is but phones are on do not disturb. sometimes all you do is lay in bed and complain about your weeks, ranting and gossiping. he enjoys those dates especially.

—gift giving/receiving: anything you get him, he will keep forever and cherish. will yell at Freddy if he tries to throw something away. "that 'trash' is actually a paper straw ring that y/n gave me!" it could be a literal rock you thought was cool, he's keeping it. has a spot on his desk with the things you've given him. he's always sending you pics of things that remind him of you: sunsets, animals, flowers, anything. and somehow always saves up to get you something for your birthday.

• Does not have a social media presence at all. he only got Snapchat after being bugged by Darla and Eugene. he has seven friends. you’re his number one best friend/highest streak.

• Makes a private instagram account so he can like and comment on anything you post. also to make sure no one is creeping on you, because he knows a caped crusader with lightning fingers that might pay someone a visit. only follows you and Darla back.

• Phone wallpaper is you and him. changes it all the time depending on what photo he's obsessing over.

• Almost cried in front of everyone when you gave him a framed photo of you both for his birthday. it’s on his nightstand and he looks at it every night.

• Loves how well you get along with his siblings but also needs your attention 24/7 so he’s quick to take you on dates away from them. though they somehow end up crashing it 6/10.

• Thought his chest was going to implode when he saw you using chalk outside with Darla one day. he didnt even know you had come over. making him realize you hang out with his siblings without him, he’s a little butthurt.

• Darla is a huuuuge fan of your relationship. She may love you more than Billy. seriously. was so pumped to meet you for the first time, had a sign made and everything. Billy was worried her energy would be too much for you, but you love Darla. If Billy is your number 1 best friend on snapchat, then Darla is number 2.

• Sometimes you'll play video games with Billy and Eugene and Billy tries to hide how shocked he gets when you can beat a level that he can't. he's just really bad, give him a few pointers!

• Billy anagonizes over telling you about his superhero persona. on one hand, it's hard to lie to your face and he knows that it comes off as shady or weird when he's randomly disappearing with a flimsy exuse. but he also doesnt want to endanger you either??

— You put the pieces together very quickly (Freddy whispers very loudly) and enjoy watching Billy squirm for weeks. until one day you happen to have a run in with him in his suped up form.

— “Wow, thanks for the help sir."

"Of course, anything for you. Uh, citizen of Philadephia."

"I wish there was a way I could repay you."

"Your safety is all I need!" Cue thumbs up and a wink, cheesy grin that was so Billy.

"Perhaps a kiss?" You press, watching his face fall as he scrambles for a reply. Your stomach hurts from the effort of not laughing.

"That would not be appropriate. You’re a civilian- I'm a hero! And also way too old. Like 30 years old."

"I don't kiss and tell."

Billy / Whatever the hell his superhero name was mouth drops open in shock. "Don't you have a boyfriend!?"

You make a show of looking around. "I don't see him around."

"Y/N!"

"Yes, Billy?"

"How could you! Wait."

You burst out laughing.

"That's what you get for keeping this a secret from me! Now tell me everything because I still don't know how this is you."

"Hey, this, is a god and it's really cool."

• After that fiasco, Billy loves to send you videos of him flying around the city (he stopped after a bird pooped on his head), sending goofy selfies as his alter ego that make you laugh. He's taken you on flying trips too but after the bird incident you're not as keen anymore. Though you can’t deny it’s romantic watching the sun set on a really tall building with nothing but you and Billy, talking about your futures.

“You know I’ve heard that college is a sucker for foster kids, I should apply.”

“We could apply for student housing and be roommates.”

“No more Freddy snoring.”

“No more rules, just me and you.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“. . .”

“Actually college campuses have a lot of rules. Probably more than we have right now.”

“…just watch the sunset.”

[lowkeychenle]

Juliet's Writing Masterlist

general rules | text!au masterlist | smau masterlist

K E Y

☆ - Ongoing Series ♬ - Completed series ♔ - Author’s Faves ღ - Fluff ※ - Angst ๑ - Smut

Zhong Chenle (钟辰乐)

๑ Chilled Nights, Fogged Windows (M)

After being gone for weeks, the first thing Chenle wants to do is get ice cream with you. One thing leads to another, and suddenly, you're in the backseat (oooops).

♔๑ღ Sunshine (M)

You're not usually able to wake up with Chenle due to his schedules, but on the days that you can, it's certainly worth it.

※ You're Not Sorry

You and Chenle broke up two weeks ago. The first time he calls you at 3am, you ignore it. Then he calls again. You answer, and you go to him knowing there's nothing he could do to fix what he's broken.

๑ღ The Last Straw (M)

Chenle has been your best friend for as long as you can remember. Being in love with him isn't easy, until you find out he reciprocates those feelings (thanks to Cockblocker!Jaemin).

♔๑ SOS (M)

Road trips with Chenle are your favorite thing. Late at night, the two of you stop at a hotel, but it's not everything it seems to be. You barely have time to settle before you get a call to evacuate immediately. Beneath red neon flashing lights, you and Chenle have to try and escape the group of people hunting you down.

(This is the second installation of the 7Dream ISTJ series)

♔ღ๑ Like We Just Met (M)

Everything else about the day is completely normal when Chenle realizes he wants to marry you. It hits him like a tidal wave, and he's itching to tell you just how much he wants to love you forever.

(This is the third installation of the 7Dream ISTJ Series)

ღ※๑ Within the Piano Keys (M)

For as long as you could remember, Chenle has been your neighbor and childhood best friend. That is, until one day he disappears without a word…or so you thought, since your mother hid all the letters he sent you.

๑ Paris (M)

Pure smut on a hotel room balcony in Paris! Woo.

๑ In Your Dreams (M)

What started as innocent phone sex hotline stuff (if that can ever really be innocent?), you get an offer you just can't refuse...you just have to be a little sleep deprived ;) (Chenle as Freddy Kruger Halloween thing lol)

ღ※๑ this is me trying (M)

Meeting Chenle was a fluke--a good one, at that, but you never expected things to escalate the way they did. But despite the whirlwind romance, you'd go back to December if you had the chance...

ღ※๑ Cruel Summer (M)

He wants you. Everything to do with you--your heart, your body, all while keeping your friendship. What's a man to do during a 30-day hook up to get you to stay?

ღ※๑ See My Sea (M)

You never expected your lab partner to be the captain of the basketball team...or a decent human being, but you get proved wrong twice. Despite a rocky past of your own, you find yourself falling for him faster than you thought. Maybe, with his help, you can finally find your way home and see your sea.

๑ Quiet Down (M)

You and Chenle visit your parents, but he just can't help himself...

※๑ Is It Over Now? (M) (Feat. Jisung)

Your relationship with Chenle is nothing but fight after fight. Amidst the toxicity, infidelity comes into play--except you're determined to one up him...but is it ever truly over?

ღ※๑ And Then It Was (M)

After your marriage with Chenle was arranged by your parents for a company merger, things with him aren't quite like you expect. In your life full of obligations, he's determined to finally give you the ability to make your own choices.

Na Jaemin (나재민)

♔※๑ღ the 1 (M)

Six years ago, you decided to move away to a different country to go to school. The catch? You had to leave Jaemin behind, and you refused to drag him along. Now you're back and, for some reason, he doesn't quite seem to hate you in the way you thought he would.

Mark Lee (이민형)

๑ღ Late Nights (M)

Mark's busy schedule only gives him time to come over late at night, but it's safe to say neither of you are complaining by the time you fall asleep.

※๑ Empire State of Mind (M) (Feat. Jisung)

Life with Jisung is almost perfect. He loves you, and you love him. But when you run into your ex, Mark Lee, you realize the one thing you've been missing all along is him.

7Dream

๑ღ ISTJ Series Masterlist

One-shots based on the ISTJ album tracklist.

Zhong Chenle (钟辰乐)

※๑ Irrevocably (M) Series Masterlist

You were friends with benefits with Chenle until he got a girlfriend...fast forward months later, and now they've broken up--leaving Chenle to come back to you, very much in need of a distraction.

๑ Opposites Attract [Poly!Jaemle AU] Series Masterlist

Your relationship with Jaemin started out simple--friends with benefits with zero complications...until there was one. That complication's name is Zhong Chenle, and after Jaemin agrees to expand your exclusivity deal to involve him, there's only one logical thing left to do...

Na Jaemin (나재민)

☆※๑ღ Enchanted Mini-Masterlist

As the crown princess, you shouldn't be entertaining any matches that couldn't benefit your kingdom. Love is not an option, not a choice, and unfortunately for you, your betrothed's royal guard seems to be catching your attention more than he ever could.

♔☆※๑ღ Lost & Wayward Mini-Masterlist

After the worst couple weeks of your life, you finally break down in the middle of an alleyway. Jaemin hears you and comes to comfort you, and little do you know, he's about to change your life--in more ways than one.

๑ Opposites Attract [Poly!Jaemle AU] Series Masterlist

Your relationship with Jaemin started out simple--friends with benefits with zero complications...until there was one. That complication's name is Zhong Chenle, and after Jaemin agrees to expand your exclusivity deal to involve him, there's only one logical thing left to do...

Mark Lee (이민형)

♔☆๑※ 모래성 (ONE) (TWO) (THREE)

You and Mark have had a friends with benefits relationship for almost a year now. He's in love with you, addicted to you, but you don't feel the same. You're his poison.

[dinums]

The Unexpected Visit

Thomas Shelby x Reader

This is part 2, by the way! Check out part 1 first!

Part 3

Summary: Ada gets married, Thomas takes a Barmaid to a Derby, Thomas, and (Y/N) gets closer.

Word counter: 2,056 words

"Should I be crying? You look like an angel, Ada," I said wholeheartedly, helping her with the veil as I admired her through the reflection in the mirror. My words brought a chuckle from her, filling the room with a lightness.

"Do you think he'll like it? Freddie, I mean," she asked, seeking reassurance.

"Of course he will. Ang ganda mo kaya," I replied

"Ganda mo kaya?" Ada questioned, curious about the meaning. I explained, "It means 'you're beautiful.'' With her heart full of love, she left the house early in the morning.

Later that day, Pol asked me to run some errands around town, buy a few things at the market, though I knew she wanted me to take a breather from everything that's been happening, that I was thankful for. As I walked, the mud stained my shoes, and the smoke filled the sky, reminding me that this environment was vastly different from what I was accustomed to. I veered towards a less crowded section of town, continuing my walk, when suddenly, the sound of a gunshot pierced the air. My body froze, and my head snapped in the direction of the noise. In the distance, I spotted two figures—a man and a woman. Without daring to investigate further, I swiftly turned and ran, paying no mind to the mud splattering on my skirt. At that moment, running was the only important thing, outfit be damned.

"Jusko po..." I gasped, leaning my back against a wall once I deemed myself far enough from the commotion. I panted heavily, resting my hands on my knees to catch my breath. People cast strange glances in my direction, but I paid them no mind. No one could know what I had witnessed.

After calming myself down for a while, I realized I couldn't simply return home. Walking down the familiar streets, I made my way to the market and purchased the items on my list. Once back home, I placed them on the kitchen table before heading upstairs to change. Convincing myself that the gunshot from earlier were just friendly fire, that utbjust happened on accident.

As I descended the stairs, I overheard the boys conversing amongst themselves. Arthur now owned the Garrison, and Tommy had made an attempt on Ada's husband. They were planning to attend a Derby.

"So, you're taking the pretty barmaid, eh mate?" John asked. I paused for a moment at the bottom of the stairs, realizing that Tommy had a date.

Peeking my head around the corner, I caught sight of John and Arthur snickering to themselves.

"Whoa, Thomas has a date?" I exclaimed, capturing the attention of the three men. John was the first to respond, saying, "Of course he does."

"And she's a pretty one too, works at the Garrison!" Arthur chimed in. Unbeknownst to me, Thomas had been watching me the entire time, and as our eyes met, I gave him a thumbs-up.

"Good luck, treat her right," I said, my smile turning into a more serious expression. I was well aware of how women were often treated by men during these times.

"It's just business," Tommy replied dismissively.

"Everything is always business to you, Tommy," Arthur groaned, earning a glare from Thomas.

"It'd be nice if you take yourself a woman, eh?" John teased his brother, getting him a smack in the back of his head by Thomas which made me chuckle.

"Well, I heard you own the Garrison now, Arthur!" I interjected, walking over to join them.

"Been eavesdropping, eh, love?" Arthur said with a toothy grin, causing me to blush in embarrassment. When I tried to explain myself, he waved a hand in the air, assuring me it was alright, and mentioned that they would be celebrating at the Garrison. He then began pulling John along with him, leaving me alone with Thomas.

"I heard you tried to shoot Ada's husband. Did you apologize?" I asked, concerned.

"He's not dead."

"Did you apologize?" I repeated, but was only met with silence, I let out a sigh.

"Well, you should. If you're going on a date, you need to show respect to your sister before other women—"

"It's just business."

"Even so, Thomas. When's the date?" I inquired.

Thomas pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing, as I continued referring to his "business" as a date.

"Tomorrow"

"Since you guys will be busy, I'll go out and find a library. Maybe they'll have something that can help me go back. I'll finish my work today and even do some extra to make up for it," I declared, informing him, knowing he won't stop me. When he only nodded, I took that as my cue to leave. Going inside the betting shop to officially start the day.

///

When tomorrow finally came, I went down to find out the boys have left already. I didn't see where Polly was but Finn was in the kitchen, he threw something in the fireplace.

I walked over to him, my curiosity peaked. "Hey, what was that, hm?" When I crouched down, it was a cigarette.

"Finn?" I held it out, wanting him to explain but were just met with a guilty look. I was aware enough that children from these times smoke and drank alcohol, Finn himself wouldn't be an exception, it shouldn't have had surprised me, especially since Thomas and the others smoked quite often.

"You're still young"

"I'd turn 11 soon,"

"Well, you're still 10. Do it when you're old enough to make decisions for yourself, I've got to go somewhere, but no more of this, okay?" He nodded, which made me smile, patting his head.

"Good, if Pol asks where I am, I'm off to the library"

To my surprised, when I left there was a Peaky Boy by the door, when he approached me, he said that Thomas asked him to escort me to the library since it was far away.

///

"Seriously? Still nothing?"

It has been hours and I still haven't found anything concerning time travel. Though this was expected, it still quite annoyed me. I felt hopeless, feeling tears start to make their way to fall down my cheeks.

"Ma'am, shall I take you home? Its getting quite dark." The Peaky Boy said which stopped my train of thoughts. Quickly wiping my eyes, I looked up at him and forced a smile.

"Yeah, sure." After finishing up, we began to walk our way towards town, it was quite silent so I tried to make conversation with the guy.

"So, what's your name?"

"Charles, Ma'am." I nodded in acknowledgment by his answer, chuckling a bit.

"You don't have to be so stiff, call me (Y/N)," he smiled at that and after we continued to walk with comfortable silence around us, letting me forget my frustration for a moment.

"Thanks for escorting me, by the way"

I bid him goodbye before walking inside the house. Once inside, no one was there, guess everyone's out. I went to Thomas' room, which can be considered mine for the time being.

Feeling a sense of boredom, I picked up a sketchbook and some pencils that Arthur had given me. The pages were already filled with a few sketches done by both me and him. Reflecting on the events of the day, I attempted to draw my brother, trying my best to capture his face. I couldn't help but worry that if I stayed here any longer, I would forget—forget my friends, my family, and the cherished memories we shared. It dawned on me that while I'm here they're probably looking for me.

Deciding to create a comic strip depicting my memories and descriptions of my family, I couldn't help but tear up a little. I had already forgotten my mother and brother's voice.

"Ma, miss kona kayo ni kuya... Mama..."

A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts, and I quickly composed myself before inviting the visitor in. It was Polly.

"Pol..."

"The boys are at the Garrison, celebrating. I came to pick you up. Are you alright, love?"

I smiled and nodded. "I'm alright, Pol. It's nothing, just a bit of homesickness. I'll stay here for the night. Do tell them I said congratulations." She nodded, relieved that she didn't pry any further, and left, bidding me goodnight.

///

Unable to sleep that night, I found some peace in my drawings. I kept a candle by my bedside to provide light, sitting with my knees drawn close to my chest and my back against the wall, facing the door with the notebook resting on my thigh.

After a while, I could hear the sound of people talking downstairs. It seemed like Arthur had indulged in a few drinks as he kept yelling, something about a man called Kimber. When the commotion subsided, there was another knock on my door, followed by Thomas' voice asking if I was still awake. I replied affirmatively, and he took it as his cue to enter. Closing the door behind him, he remained silent, prompting me to break the silence.

"So, how was the date? Did it go well?"

"I told you, it's business, eh?" he chuckled, walking over to sit beside me.

"What brings you here?"

"It's my room."

"Fair enough. But why are you here?" I asked. However, instead of responding directly, he asked a question of his own.

"How did your visit to the library go?" I sighed, playing with my hands as I slumped my shoulders.

"Terrible. I feel like I'm trapped here forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be with you all, but I had a life back there, you know? If I stay here any longer, I'm afraid... i just miss my mother, brother, and my friends."

"You have a brother?" he asked, glancing back at me. I nodded, slightly distracted by his question.

"Yeah, he's annoying but caring. We used to play games together."

"Oh, really? What kind?" he inquired. I smiled and lightly punched him on the shoulder.

"Are you just trying to distract me?" I teased. He shrugged, pursing his lips in an attempt to suppress a smile, though I could see it in his eyes.

We continued our conversation, and somehow, before we knew it, we found ourselves lying in bed, facing each other. I kept talking, and he listened.

"Are you sure I'm not bleeding your ears?" I asked, squinting my eyes at him.

He shook his head and encouraged me to keep talking by gesturing to the side.

"Where was I again?" I questioned, testing if he was genuinely paying attention.

"You were talking about your dog named 'Dog,'" he replied.

"Ah, right."

As I was drifting off to sleep, I noticed him getting up, trying not to disturb me.

"Hey, Thomas..."

"Hm?"

"If I met you in my time, siguro nahulog nako sayo"

///

Those were the words that left (Y/N)'s lips. Thomas, though not fully understanding the context, couldn't help but smile nonetheless. He bid her goodnight before leaving to sleep downstairs.

Only he knew the true reason why he had sought her out after returning from the Garrison. Somehow, being with her made him feel like his former self, the boy he was before the war. She brought a genuine warmth to his life, treated him like a normal person and not something broken, not someone without a heart, and not someone that killed so many in the name of war. When she looked at him, he feels like she sees the boy he was, coaxing him to come out little by little, and that comforted him because she sees him, sees someone he thought he can never be again. What began as fascination had blossomed into something deeper. He yearned to know more about her, to delve into the stories and memories she shared. Her voice brought him a sense of comfort. In his own way he wanted her to feel heard, wanted her to know he was there, with her, with everything she will do while she's here.

But deep down, he knew she didn't belong here, and that she would eventually have to leave. So, as much as he wanted to make her stay as memorable as possible, if he could be selfish with her, he hoped against hope that she would choose to stay.

[thebearer]

This anon has haunted me, but at lips apology, if he tries to propose bc “it’s the right thing to do” for you and the baby. He doesn’t want the responsibility but deep down he wants to have that responsibility bc always wanted to be a dad and husbands but scared

here's my thought on it.

he does it bc it's the "right thing to do" like it's just what you do, in his opinion. he doesn't want to be a bum who knocks someone up and doesn't marry them (his jaded opinion), but he also does love you and is sick at the idea of someone else being in yours and the baby's life that's not him. he's just fucked in the head really by this.

when you say no he's floored.

"wha-what do you mean? no?"

"no." you shake your head. "you don't really want to marry me."

"the fuck are you- i wanna fuckin' marry you, alright? i bought this fuckin' ring-"

"-you bought me a ring because i'm pregnant with your kid." you snap. "not because you want to marry me. not because you're in love with me."

lip is flustered bc... i mean, you're not wrong. you're not all the way right, but you're definitely not wrong.

"when you want to marry me because you want to marry me, and not because of the baby, then i'll think about it." you look down at the small diamond ring. "but i also wouldn't marry you right now, anyways, because i'm still not over all that shit you said."

"jesus, i told you i was sorry." lip sighs, closing his fist around the ring. "and-and ian is gettin' me in with his shrink to-to work this shit out like you said-"

"-and that's great, and i'm very proud of you." you say sincerely. his heart swells at the praise. "but that doesn't take back what you did."

lip feels like he could scream. furious at himself. "you wanna make it up to me? prove to me your sorry. prove to me you didn't mean what you said, and you're gonna be a good dad." you look down at his closed fist with the ring inside. "show me why i should marry you, because right now... i don't want to."

it's mean. it's cruel. it's harsh. but it's exactly what lip needed to hear. he worked double time, swallowing his pride and going to the "damn shrink" to figure out why he had control issues, why he coped the way he did (shocker: the majority of it was neglect from his parents, i know we're allllll surprised). he worked hard to prove that he wanted to be there for you, for the baby, and he did. he really did.

and he worked even harder to treat you the way you deserved. to show you that he loved you, and he really did. he spoiled you, the ways he could. home-cooked meals in your tiny apartment, baby proofing it, going to your birthing classes and every appointment. he would take you out on dates- real dates. hold your hand in the grocery, sweet kisses in the kitchen, let you use him as your own personal pregnancy pillow at night (when he finally got to sleep back in the bed with you).

lip was a good dad. you knew he would be. you knew from the moment the doctor told you it was a boy, his eyes shining with tears he refused to shed. something flipped in him. he'd been trying hard regardless but then, it felt real for both of you. lip didn't want to be frank, nothing like him. he upped his meetings with his sponsor, with his counselor and shrink. lip worked hard to unlearn years of trauma, to be better for freddie- be better for you. he slipped sometimes, always extra hard on himself when he did, but he was a good dad.

so when he asked you, when freddie was two and you'd grown together in every way- as parents and as a couple. you said yes. you knew he wanted to marry you for you. he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, he told you that, rambled words while he was on one knee in front of you. you were glad you didn't accept his proposal the first time, truly, because it wouldn't have been nearly as great as this one. it was well worth the wait.

[fayes-fics]

It Had To Be You: Chapter 3 - Around London Town (Sun Is In The Sky)

Masterpost PREV | NEXT

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader, Modern AU

Summary: Set 5 years after Chapter 2, serious relationships are ending. You reunite with Benedict and bond over heartbreak.

Artwork credit: @colettebronte

Warnings: discussion of sex/sexual acts, swearing.

Word count: 3.1k

Authors Note: Unbetaed. A multi-chapter modern rom-com retelling of When Harry Met Sally. In this chapter, we are in various spots around London, hence the title. We also get to meet the Kate and Anthony of this AU. Enjoy! <3

Two years ago (5 years later)

“I saw the email,” she sighs, poking her salad. “He just spent 2000 quid on a new king-sized bed.”

“What do you mean you saw the email?” you frown, taking a bite of your fish as you stare across to St Paul’s dome, looking so beautiful lit up at dusk this late spring evening. Oxo Tower is a regular haunt for you, as it’s right around the corner from Kate’s work.

“I mean… he was working on his laptop in bed next to me and got called away, and a delivery notification from John Lewis popped up, and well, I saw it. He's bought a new bed for them,” her jaw ticks as she swallows hard. “He’s never going to leave her, is he?”

“No, Kate, he's never going to leave her,” you echo for what feels like the millionth time. 

Your sympathy has limits; this woman, your very best friend, is so smart and so blindingly beautiful; you really don't understand why she has spent the last few years allowing herself to be dicked around by this what sounds like colossal asshat of a married man. She claims he's fantastic in bed and treats her like a queen, but as you've never even met him in the three years she's been seeing him, you can't form an opinion beyond the rose-tinted snippets she shares.

“I know you're right, I know,” she shakes her head a little and reaches for her G&T, downing it with remarkable alacrity. “How's Doctor Tom?” she wiggles her eyebrows comedically, obviously wanting a change of direction.

“Fine,” you offer warily, “at least, I hear he's fine.” You take a deep breath “… we broke up,” you explain as her brow knits.

“What? When? Why didn't you tell me?” she cries.

“I am telling you now. Last week. It just wasn't something I wanted to discuss on WhatsApp y'know,” you shrug, reaching for your wine and taking a fortifying large gulp. You knew you would have to tell your best friend sometime, apparently that ‘sometime’ is today.

“What happened?”

“We’ve been growing apart for a while, to be honest,” you confess, feeling like a burden is lifted just from voicing it. “It was all very grown up. We had a heart-to-heart; I said what I wanted, he said what he wanted, and we agreed it was very different, so he left.”

“My god, you make it sound so simple! And almost businesslike, mechanical. Fucking hell, are you not broken up about it at all?” she raises her perfectly shaped eyebrows, this time in surprise.

“I've had a few days, and you know, I'm alright about it. I'm over it, to be honest. It's better we did this now than after we had gone through with the marriage,” you point out, starting at your now bare ring finger with a short pang of loss. It really was a beautiful ring.

“Well, good point, divorces are expensive and a bloody nightmare, but still…. Five years y/n. That's a long time to be with someone, and you are so matter-of-fact about it!”

“Not all of us are drama queens, Kate,” you jest gently and chuckle as she pulls a face.

“So you want me to set you up? There's that guy at my work, remember?” she singsongs, her brown eyes shining with mischief. “You guys would be perfect; I just know it!”

“Urghh, who?” you will admit to some intrigue.

“Freidrich Hohenzollern, you don't mind the blonds,” she winks.

“Kate! German Freddy?! You set me up with him six years ago!” you roll your eyes. “He threw up your deathly strong margaritas all over my pretty summer shoes,” you bemoan, recalling how it capped off a truly awful barbecue in her back garden. As it turns out, it was only a few weeks before you met Dr Tom. “Besides, I'm not ready to meet anyone yet; it's only been a few bloody days.”

“I thought you said you were over it?” she teases.

“I am, but I’m in mourning about being single again. I don't need anything right now, except maybe a rebound fuck, and I don't want that to be anyone remotely close to our friendship pool, you know? Much better to get with some rando I never have to cross paths with again.”

“Fair enough,” she shrugs but then waves her fork at you. “Just don't leave it too long before you get serious again.”

“What the fuck do you mean?” you laugh.

“I mean, if you stay on the shelf too long, some other bitch is going to snap up your man, and you’ll have to get cats and live alone, a bitter spinster until you die one of those mystery early deaths from unused vagina in about ten years. You’ll even make the news; cos, y’know, the cats, they’ll eat your face after you die. All alone.”

“Thanks, Kate.” you deadpan at that fantastically supportive vision of your future. “Also, so glad to know you are visiting me in my ancient forties, like the wonderful friend you are,” you roll your eyes.

“Bitch please, imma be busy being impregnated for the fifth time by my beautiful husband, James Norton,” she breezes with a huge grin.

“You’ll have to leave the fucking married idiot who doesn't deserve you first,” you point out, perhaps a little uncharitably.

“Touche,” she fires over her water glass. “He’s never going to leave her, is he?” she adds wistfully.

You reach over the table and touch her hand gently. “No darling, he is never going to leave his wife.” 

“I know, I know, FUCK, I know…” she sighs dramatically, “Well… this calls for MORE DRINKS!” she states decidedly, banging her beautifully manicured fist on the table.

That, at least, you can fully support.

—

“What happened?” Anthony Bridgerton asks, taking a sip of his beer, his eye on his beloved team on the pitch below as they take a slight hammering at home in Twickenham.

“It's over. I'm moving home,” Benedict sighs, scratching his beard and glancing around the grandstand. “You've still got that spare room, right? Just until I get everything sorted, my stuff shipped back,” he adds, not wanting to be a burden at this age.

“Yeah, it's yours, as long as you need it,” Anthony nods, the older brother instinct kicking in without thought. “Are you sure this isn't something you can work out? Moving back to London seems rash.”

“Not a chance,” Benedict responds morosely, staring at his beer as a fly lands in it and starts swimming—seems like an apt metaphor for the shitshow being thirty-five has become for him. “I offered everything,” he shrugs miserably, “to go for counselling, sleep in the spare room; she's not interested. I knew something was up when some of her shit started disappearing.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’d come home, and her wardrobe looked half empty, you know, more than just laundry piling up, whole sections missing. Then her art and supplies started to dwindle, and she wasn't replacing them, but she was coming home still covered in paint. I figured maybe she had rented a separate studio space. So I confronted her; asked her what was happening: ‘Que se passe-t-il ici, tessa?’ you know. And she was all ‘de rein’ and ‘c’est tous dans ta tête’ it’s all in my head,” he translates, “and the whole time, I knew I wasn't being paranoid. So one day, I followed her...”

“You did what?”

“Yes, I know, I’m not proud of it,” he admits, “but I went to the coffee shop across the road and followed her. She had a big suitcase, lugging more of her stuff, I guess. So she went straight to a flat in the tenth arrondissement. Her ‘friend’ Clarissa. Yeah, they are definitely not just friends.”

“How do you know?” Anthony checks, sucking in air between his teeth as a Harlequins player hits the grass hard after a vicious tackle

“I watched them fuck on the balcony,” Benedict monotones, “sat in a little cafe opposite and watched my wife screaming her fucking head off as her ‘friend’ went down on her.”

“Ouch.” 

“Exactly. She hasn't let me do that in months; claims she’s lost the enjoyment of it. That isn't fucking true, obviously.” He fishes out the fly and downs the rest of his watery beer, placing the plastic cup on the ground and letting his head fall into his hands. “I mean, we haven't had sex in a year, but I thought it's just a rough patch, you know? We could get through it. Until a couple of months ago, she was at least letting me eat her out, and on occasion, when she got drunk, come to think of it, she might even give me a handjob once in a while. So I was dealing with it, thinking it's a blip, we can get through it. But… uggghhhh…. I knew it, you know? This whole time I knew she would kick the shit out of me one day. I just didn't think it would be this far into marriage. Five fucking years Anthony….”

He looks so utterly unmoored that Anthony turns to him and places a comforting arm around his brother. “Listen, infidelity isn't the reason marriages break up; it's just a symptom that something else is wrong.”

“Yeah, well, that symptom is eating my wife’s pussy,” Benedict grouses loudly, uncaring that a whole bunch of people in the vicinity twist around in their stadium seats and stare at him.

Just fucking great. 

—

“Ooh, what about this one?” Kate bounds over, holding some utterly dreadful-looking period romance novel.

“Regency? Sex? Kate, please, I’m not that desperate yet,” you say witheringly, staring over your reading glasses at her.

“You’re newly single. This shit might teach you a few things,” she hums unapologetically, waggling the book at you.

“Please, as if I need some American woman telling me how to fuck a handsome Englishman from 200 years ago,” you roll your eyes and take the book from her.

“Speaking of handsome,” Kate sidles up closer, “someone is staring at you in foreign languages.”

You peel off your glasses and look over to see a face you would never forget lurking by a bookshelf. And it’s a jolt to your being. He’s got to be in his mid-thirties by now and sports a somewhat scraggly but short beard. Damn, he’s still so handsome, your mind screams.

“I know him. You’d like him; he’s married,” you needle sarcastically.

“I don’t see a ring,” Kate counters quietly, “when was the last time you saw him?”

“God, maybe five years ago? And he was moving to Paris. To get married,” you explain as you politely raise a hand to wave and nod.

“So that’s a long time ago,” she stage whispers, “maybe he’s not anymore,” she hints.

“Please, he’s so obnoxious,” you dismiss, even as your heart thumps a little harder as he approaches. “Plus, he never remembers me….”

“Y/n y/l/n,” he says warmly as he pulls up nearby.

Wow, okay, wrong on that count.

“Ben! Ben Bridgerton. Hi!” you breeze, feigning nonchalance and quickly dropping the crappy romance book Kate gave you. 

“This is…” you turn around, and Kate is gone, waving next to the Hatchards sign and heading out the door. “Well, that was my friend Kate…. How are you? How’s married life?”

“Ahh, not good,” he winces, and you feel awkward as his face goes crestfallen. “I’m getting divorced.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I really am,” you frown, the sting of your breakup lessened somehow.

“How’s Doctor Dorset?” he perks up.

“Oh, I hear he’s fine. We uhh just broke up. Last month,” you nod, and you exchange glances that are so meaningful. 

He looks so much wiser, mellow. And it’s not just the beard. Like the cocksureness and swagger have been knocked out of him. He’s learned some hard lessons about life, living but hurting. Something in your heart reaches out to him.

“Coffee and a catch-up?” you offer casually.

“Actually, I’m starving,” he admits, “how about lunch instead?”

You glance at your phone, and there’s a trademark subtle WhatsApp message from Kate.

Ride that fine thing to Rebound City. 

I expect all the deets tmrw.

Woof.

“Urghh, sure, looks like I’m free,” you answer, quickly swiping left to clear the screen.

——

You are sitting on the sunny rooftop terrace at Ham Yard sharing break-up stories. Although it’s selfish to admit it, somehow, his melancholy makes you feel better about yourself. That you are more together than you thought. And even more certain you made the right choice not to get married.

“We used to say how life was great because we didn’t have kids,” you explain, pushing your salad around the plate. “How everyone we knew stopped having sex if they had kids. How we could fuck against the window or on the kitchen table, and no one would walk in on us. And I believed him when he said he didn’t want kids. But then…” you trail off.

“He changed his mind?” Ben intuits; his emotional intelligence momentarily takes you aback.

“He went to stay with his sister for a week to celebrate some family thing; I had to cover an event, so I couldn’t go. Anyway, she has three kids. And he came back different; kept saying maybe kids aren’t so bad. Even after his brother-in-law admitted they no longer had sex cos childcare was so exhausting, mind,” you gesture with your hands. “And he just started to drop hints about how we aren’t getting any younger - I'm only thirty-fucking-one - and how kids ensure a legacy….” you stab a piece of cucumber. “That’s when I snapped, and I just said. Listen, I don’t want kids, and if you do, maybe we need to rethink this engagement, cos I’m not going to change my mind. And he looks at me horrified. As if it doesn’t compute that a woman would never want children. ‘I thought that was just a thing to establish your career, then you’d take a break and have kids. My income more than provides’,”

Benedict huffs a gentle laugh at your deliberately lousy impression.

“And I said back, ‘I love my job, I don’t want to give it up and certainly not to have kids’. And he replied, ‘Well, I want a wife who will give me kids’. And I said, ‘Well, that’s not me’. And then he left.” 

Your harsh but accurate summary of that shitty afternoon somehow feels lighter now you’ve shared details. You don’t want to dwell on how odd it is that you’ve given him, a man you’ve seen twice in ten years, more than you shared with your best friend. 

“And the thing is, we never did fuck spontaneously like that anyway,” you sigh, sipping your coffee.

“Not on the kitchen table?” he raises an eyebrow.

“Not once. Not even against the window. He doesn’t like doing it standing up,” you shrug.

“That’s a shame. It’s fun,” Benedict opines, but it’s not like in the past when he would’ve used it as a blatant flirtation; it’s more like he’s simply agreeing with an empiric truth.

“Agreed,” you nod and fall silent as you can tell he’s gearing up to talk more.

“I knew Tessa was bisexual when we got together,” he sighs, elaborating on his breakup story. “To be honest, I think that’s what made her so damn sexy at first, the stupid caveman idea she’d be into threesomes,” he rolls his eyes and shakes his head slightly at the naivety of his younger self. “I just didn’t think she would do the almost cliched thing and cheat on me with a woman.”

“Doesn’t it hurt less? That it’s not another dick that led her astray?” you frown.

He huffs a laugh. “Never thought of it like that. But it’s more the helplessness of it. That’s the one thing I can’t be, a woman. And that’s what she wants.” he twists his mouth into a thoughtful pout before continuing. “She moved in with her. But she didn’t tell me. Didn’t have the guts. She just kept moving her stuff out slowly. I’d prefer she was honest and told me, but she played mind games. Tried to gaslight me into thinking it was all in my head.”

You drop your fork and decide to inject some humour, knowing the sign that he’s getting too maudlin. “Hold the bloody phone. Did Benedict Bridgerton just use the word gaslight?” you tease. “Bloody hell, we have gotten old.”

He looks up and meets your eye, an appreciative glint in the down-sloped corners as he chuckles in agreement. The look lingers for a beat longer than it should, and all you can think is the slight crinkles around his eyes lend him a more mature beauty, somehow more deadly than the pretty, fresh-faced idiot you shared a car ride with ten years ago. Benedict Bridgerton with heartbreak is a beautiful sight, perverse as it may be to think it.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” you offer conciliatory, reaching out to touch the back of his hand. His skin is soft; you can feel his pulse in the prominent vein under your fingertip, and something in you runs warm.

“You know, the first time we met, I really didn't like you,” he confesses as you withdraw your touch, “you were so uptight about the world; you’re much mellower now.”

“Way to wrap a compliment in an insult,” you pull a face, and he laughs. “You were just utterly nonplussed that someone might not want to fuck you—-that's why you didn't like me,” you add, raising an eyebrow pointedly.

“What's the apology deadline for being a young idiot?” he winces and shoots you an adorably contrite expression.

“Hmmm, ten years,” you volley back, unable to stop your grin.

“Oooh, well, it's mid-May, and that was late May, so I am juuuuust in time,” he jests, and you feel a warmth inside your ribs as you smile at each other.

After eating, you find yourselves wandering together, crossing under the mature trees of Golden Square.

“Are we becoming friends? For real this time?” An ironic smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “I mean, I forgive you for not ever texting me after I gave you my number all those years ago,” he teases, and you blush.

“We might be,” your tone playful.

“Huh, a woman friend,” his brow knitting, “that’s novel.”

You laugh, and again your eyes meet.

“You know you may be the first attractive single woman I don’t want to fuck…” he confesses.

Something in you feels conflicted. Pleased he has matured enough to be that way, flattered he feels willing to admit it to you as a friend, and the part you don’t want to think about too much, the tinge of sadness that fact gives you.

“That’s wonderful, Ben,” you reply as he loops your arm and keeps strolling.

Benedict taglist: @makaylan @foreverlonginguniverse @iboopedyournose @colettebronte @aintnuthinbutahounddog @severewobblerlightdragon @margofiore @writergirl-2001 @heeyyyou @enichole445 @enchantedbytomandhenry @ambitionspassionscoffee @chaoticcalzoneranchsports @nikaprincessofkattegat @baebee35 @crowleysqueenofhell @bridgertontess @fiction-is-life @lilacbeesworld @angels17324 @broooookiecrisp @queen-of-the-misfit-toys @eleanor-bradstreet @divaanya @musicismyoxygen84 @benedictspaintbrush @miindfucked @sorryallonsy @lilithseve @cayt0123 @hottytoddyhistory @truly-dionysus @fictionalmenloversblog @zinzysstuff @malpalgalz @panhoeofmanyfandoms @kinokomoonshine @causeimissu @delehosies @mlovesbridgerton @m-rae23 @last-sheep @kmc1989

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

things in fic that i am dying to get to (in no particular order):

emotional support Sun in parts'n'services

Moon making constant 'oooo, falling for me again, starling? ;3c' jokes (after tripping u and then catching u before u can actually fall ofc)

miss peepers,,

'hey wasn't there a book written about a robot-human romance that really popularized the robot-rights movement back in the day'

"YEA IT'S CALLED 'LOVE, UNPROGRAMMED' THERE'S FIFTY ONE SIGNED COPIES IN EXISTENCE ANd it's getting,, a,, movie adaptation,,,,,"

everyone: shares knowing looks

you: actively dying inside

freddy is ordained

"vanessa help i think i have a crush on someone i really, really shouldnt have a crush on"

vanessa: hold on *takes a flask out of her desk* alright, continue.

yes, you DO know him from somewhere. :)

your neighbor, miss tabitha, whos name is not tabitha, is shocked that you have brought not one, but TWO men over to your apartment

and you're not married to either of them?? damn aint that scandalous.

dont worry tho she supports u. reminds her of her swinger days.

miss tabitha wait thats not- *door closes in ur face*

sir pls these are my emotional support boyfriends

the emotional support boyfriends: two seven+ ft tall animatronics from the local chuck e cheese fazbear pizza place

[armoricaroyalty]

Previous | Chapter Start | Beginning | Next

author's note: ending this one on a cliffhanger, sorry not sorry

Nakawe Palace // Armorican State Visit - Day 2

EMILY | [sniffling] THEO | Oh! Sorry, didn't mean to intrude— EMILY | Go away. EMILY | Wait. I'm being rude. You're with the Royal Foundation, right? Theo Adams? THEO | Yeah...Lady Emily, right? Are you okay? What's wrong? EMILY | [sighs] Men. THEO | Oh honey. THEO | What happened? EMILY | [sighs] I'm an idiot and I wasted two years of my life. Frederick doesn't care about me and he's never going to propose. THEO | Don't put yourself down. He cares about you— EMILY | Then why am I still just his stupid girlfriend? I helped with every part of this state visit, but since I don't have a ring, I have to go stand in the corner when the cameras come out. It's humiliating. THEO | It's not you. Maybe he's just not ready to get married. EMILY | [scoffs] Well, why not? We've been together for a year and a half! EMILY | When we started dating, he said he wanted to get serious right away because he was looking for a wife. And now he's dragging his feet for no reason. EMILY | I feel like such an idiot. When I started seeing him, I told myself I'd never be like this, crying over some stupid boy. And now look at me. THEO | Crying over dumb boys is the cost of dating them, I'm afraid. EMILY | That's the worst part, I never even wanted to date him! EMILY | All I wanted was someone with money and a title to look after me. He was single and I thought, "well, why not a prince?" I didn't mean to fall for him! THEO | Does he know that's why you started dating him? EMILY | Well...he must. He started dating me because I'm the right sort of girl. Isn't it obvious that I started dating him because he's the right sort of boy? THEO | Still. Doesn't he deserve to know? Even if your feelings changed along the way, you should come clean. You can't build a relationship on a lie. EMILY | Won't he be angry? Why start an argument if we can just avoid it? FREDERICK | Um. Hi...am I interrupting? THEO | Hey. EMILY | [gasps] Frederick— FREDERICK | Uh...I didn't know that you two knew each other. THEO | We just met, actually. FREDERICK | Oh. Well. Uh, Emily...can we talk? THEO | ...I should go. Good seeing you. FREDERICK | Yeah. Good to see you. THEO | Bye, Freddy. FREDERICK | ... EMILY | Frederick? FREDERICK | So...this is kinda awkward. EMILY | Kinda. Yeah. FREDERICK | [offscreen] I'm bad at this kind of thing. So I guess I'll just say it...

[stevesxyellowxsweater]

Waking up in Vegas {Chapter 2; Eddie}

PAIRING: Rockstar!Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader WC: over 2000 CW: Minors do not interact!! No use of y/n, use of she/her pronouns, slow burn, hints of abuse, swearing, i think that is it. SUMMARY: Enzo's 8O'clock, you're off to meet Eddie. Some very unexpected things are about to happen AUTHOR NOTES: Here it is everyone, the first part of Waking up in Vegas, feed back is very appreciated. Also reblogging is very much encouraged. Thank you once again to @entermxnson for literally being the character I base the reader off, (well as a mix of her and her fantastic Original Character that I love very much) Also for reading this as I write it, and giving me feedback. You're truly wonderful and I love you so much. Credit to @cafekitsune for the amazing dividers, i seriously love them.

PREVIOUS CHAPTER || NEXT CHAPTER

Your clothes are thrown all over your bed. You didn't pack for Vegas, thinking you'd be going on a date with a rockstar. Was It a date? Could this be classed as a date? You'd looked up Enzos after Wayne had told you. It was a rather fancy place, and you didn't have much in the way of fancy clothes in your bag. 

Finally, you decided on a pair of fishnets under a pair of shorts and one of the few non-band tops you had in your bag it would have to do. The outfit you'd chosen was typically only to be worn with friends. Adam constantly told you that you dressed too young for your age and it was time to get new clothes. Ones appropriate for your age.

It was that sort of thing that made you question your with him. His friends wore band T-shirts, and he had even brought you one back when he saw Queen a few months ago. You remembered how he'd tried to make you jealous, but you'd smiled and told him while you respected Adam Lambert and knew that Freddie would've wanted his songs sung well into the future. But you couldn’t see Queen. Not without Freddie, it wasn't the real Queen experience.

He still tried to make you jealous, however.

You'd spent your afternoon finding a lawyer who would do an annulment. He'd given you the papers you needed and explained you both had to fill them out and sign before he could get you in front of a judge. It looked like a long process, but you just hoped it would be done before the six weeks were up.

It was finally time to leave. You could feel your heart pounding hard as you left the hotel. You decided to walk to Enzos, not because you were drinking but because it was around the corner. You could see your hands shaking with nerves as the restaurant came into view. 

You were finally catching up with Eddie. That was the scariest part of all of this. The anticipation filled you full of fear. You didn't even remember the last conversation you had with him, and you didn't even remember marrying him. So, this was a terrifying moment. 

You stared at the stage. Corroded Coffin were on fire. You'd been forced into a veil and sash for the evening, which caught Eddie’s attention. 

“I can feel the thunder that's breaking in your heart, I can see through the scars inside you!”

You stared in awe as he sang, his eyes locked on yours. He gave you a wink before he played his solo. You couldn't stop staring at his hands. The way he moved so skillfully through cords. The way his fingers glided up and down the fretboard. You’d started to bite your lip close to breaking the skin as you watched him finish your favourite song.

Arriving at Enoz’s, you swallowed hard and opened the door. Stepping into the beautiful, warm and friendly candle-lit restaurant, you looked around and smiled gently as a waitress approached you. 

“Reservation for Baggins.”

The waitress smiled and nodded. 

“Right this way.” 

Following her across the room, you saw him. It was like your heart stopped beating at that moment. The leather jacket settled nicely on the back of the chair, a crisp white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up showed off his tattoos, and you could see his combat boots and black jeans below the table, helping you feel less underdressed. 

Then there was his hair. He had it down. He’d hardly ever worn it up; never in photos of the band or magazines did he have it up. You could see he was playing with it like he was nervous. What did he have to be nervous about? He was a Rockstar. Your heart fluttered as you stepped closer to him, a feeling of nervousness bubbling up inside.

“Mr. Baggins, your guest has arrived.”

Eddie turned around; it was like something in a romantic comedy. His face turned into a bright smile as he stood up. As he did, he bumped the table, causing water to spill over the tablecloth.

“Fuck.”

You couldn't help yourself. A smile broke out on your face as you looked at the flushed face of the rockstar you were meeting.

“Let's get you two a dry table, yeah?” 

You smiled at the waitress and followed her to a different table. You smiled as Eddie pulled out your chair and pushed you in. The waitress placed the menus down and then left the two of you alone. 

“Hi.”

You looked up and smiled as you saw how awkward he looked.

“Hi.” 

There was an awkward air between the two of you as you sat together, your eyes on each other. Eddie’s eyes were hypnotic up close; you could get lost in those chocolate swirls. Picking up your glass of water, you looked down only to find they still needed to be filled. You couldn't help the look of embarrassment.

“Thank you for wearing jeans, by the way. I was worried I'd be really underdressed.”

Eddie laughed as he fiddled with the napkin on the table.

“Business up top, party down below.”

“Like a mullet.”

Eddie got excited at this, nodding and pointing. 

“Exactly! My friends didn't get it.”

You laughed, a sense of pride filling you at that moment.

“A clothing mullet, that's a first.”

You mused as you tucked your hair behind your ear and smiled. Eddie looked at you and grinned.

“I figured I better look smart for my wife.” 

The second that word left his lips, your heart thumped hard in your chest. It sounded so wonderful coming from his lips. Part of you felt like you couldn't breathe, and you wanted to keep that title of Eddie’s wife.

“I shouldn't have left you with Tammy, and I'm sorry I did.”

“It's okay, though I wanted to hit her round the head. Rude bitch.”

Eddie laughed as he leaned back in his chair while the waitress filled your glasses. You were surprised at how easy he was to talk to; he seemed happy being around you. It made you happy. 

“I lost a bet. That's the only reason I employed her.”

You stared at Eddie, your eyes wide at his admittance.

“I'm sorry, you only employed her because of a bet?” 

You watched him playing with his hair, using it to hide his face as he looked at you.

“Yeah. My friend Steve bet me I couldn't get her to come to my Halloween party dressed as a muppet.”

“Why?” 

“Steve and Robin say she sings like a muppet. If I could pull that off, it would've been an amazing moment of entertainment for both of them. But she came in this dress thinking there would be some big musicians and managers there.”

You stared, slightly dumbfounded at his admittance. 

“I have to employ her for a year. She's not even good at her job.” 

“So I noticed.” You commented with a smirk. “What would you have gotten if you won?” 

“I wanted him to be in the He Is video, he won though sadly.”

You couldn't help but smile at least neither of them had some sort of sexist bet over a girl. One was to give her a decent-paid job, while the other was to get a friend in an awesome video. You couldn't help but admire that.

“So, about Veg-”

“Are you two ready to order?”

You looked at the waitress, trying hard not to be annoyed that she'd just interrupted you. 

“I'll have the carbonara.”

You smiled when Eddie ordered. He seemed to know what he liked. Scanning the menu, you found the vegetable lasagna and decided to settle on that. 

“So about Vegas.” 

You started once again; after being left alone.

“I found a marriage certificate in my bag, we apparently…”

“Yeah, we got married.” 

He was so casual about it as he leaned back in his chair. 

“I don't remember it.”

“Well, that is what every groom wants to hear.”

Eddie joked with a smirk.

“You're serious? You don't remember it?” 

His tone became slightly serious as you shook your head.

“I went to a lawyer, and he said we can get it annulled. We just have to get some papers filled out.”

“What if I don't want to?”

You frowned as you looked at Eddie. You hadn't thought of that. What if he didn't want to divorce you?

“I'm kidding.”

You let out a sigh of relief.

“Good, because I'm getting married in six weeks.”

“I know.”

“What?” 

You stared at Eddie. You were stunned. He knew you were getting married, but he married you anyway?

“You told me about Adam, and then we drank some more.” 

You felt angry, he knew. Yet he had the guts to fucking marry you.

“You… you asshole!” 

“Oh Princess, look I am so-.” Before he could say anything else, you threw your glass of water over him and stood up. Shaking your head at him, you walked out of the restaurant. You couldn’t help but feel frustrated, angry, confused. What type of guy did something like that? “Princess, come on.” 

Eddie had thrown money onto the table and rushed out after you, and he was dripping wet. His shirt was starting to cling to his torso. But you didn’t care right now. You were mad, you were going to walk away, regardless of how fucking hot he looked. 

“Princess, please.” 

“Stop calling me that!” 

You snapped and turned around to look at him. Your eyes couldn’t help but glance down at the fabric sticking to his stomach. No matter how mad you were, it made your stomach twist and turn slightly. All you could think about was Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” 

“No, it’s not okay. I am getting married, and you married me and then ran away. I had to follow you to this tiny ass town to make sure I could still get married.” 

“Even if you’re making a mistake?” 

You stared at Eddie, your lips parted as you looked at him. A shiver ran down your spine as he spoke words that you’d never dared think about. 

“You know nothing about me. You know nothing about me and Adam.”

“No? I know that he doesn’t like you working. He constantly criticises your clothes: and your friends, he makes you feel small. Makes you feel worthless.” 

You looked at him, blinking as you tried to prevent the tears. Adam did every single one of those things and so much more. He never touched you, but it didn’t stop him from speaking to you like you were shit. Causing you to feel like you’d been punched in the gut. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

He wanted to argue, but he didn’t. Instead, he bit down on his lip and looked at you. A puppy-like look appeared on his face as he slowly stepped toward you and reached out and touched your arm. 

“Look, I’m sorry. I never meant to upset you.” 

He slowly moved his hand to touch your cheek; his eyes bore into yours.

“I’ll sign the papers. I have one condition, however.” 

You kept your eyes on his, your heart fluttering as he stood this close to you. You couldn’t pull your eyes from his. 

“What?” 

“Stay the week. Attend all this awful wedding stuff that being a single person can be hard to endure, and once the wedding is over, I'll sign the papers, meet the judge and you can be on your merry way.” 

Silence took over the pair of you. Nothing but the distant chatter of people and cars driving past. 

“You want me to come to some stranger's wedding as your wife?”

“No, as my friend.” He replies softly and gently.

“But then why won't you sign?”

Eddie looked at you. He didn't want to admit that he hoped he could change your mind and get you to call off your wedding. He didn't care if you wanted to stay with him. He just felt as if his mother had sent you to him to protect where he failed to protect her.

“Call it insurance? We don't know each other that well… or at all really and this way we both keep our promises.” 

You swallowed hard, one week. Just one. You could do that.

“Fine, I'll have to go shopping though I don't have anything for a wedding.”

“I'll pay, there are several different functions.”

“I don't need you to pay.”

“I didn't say you did, but it's a gesture.” 

“I can pay for myself.”

“Then let me at least put you up, you can stay at my place and I'll stay at Wayne’s.”

“Eddie…”

“No, no arguing. Treat it like an air BnB or something. You get my place. Then you don't have to stay in the inn.”

You sighed, gently but then nodded softly.

“Okay.” 

“Great!”

Eddie smiled as you came to a stop walking outside the inn. 

“I'll be here to pick you up in the morning.”

“Okay.” 

He took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to you.

“For your number.”

You smiled gently and put it in (you had to use your phone cause you never remember it) then rang yourself to get his number.

“I'll call you in the morning and we can figure out a time.”

“Okay, sounds good to me.”

You stared at each other for a moment, your heart thumping as you handed back his phone and your fingers touched his.

“I'll see you tomorrow, Goodnight.”

“Eddie, wait.” 

You stepped closer to him, looking up at him.

“Yeah?” 

“What happened in Vegas?”

Eddie smirked, looking down into your eyes with a cocky little smirk. Leaning in, he whispered in your ear his voice causing goosebumps up your body. You watched him walk away, the chill in the air wrapping around you as his words echoed in your mind.

“I'll tell you tomorrow Princess.”

Tag list: @entermxnson @hellfirenacht @ali-r3n @bookdrunkdemigod @peachysink @emotionaldreamer @mimsie95 @corrodedcoffincumslut @emxxblog

[much-ado-about-whomst]

Max: *Calls Ness. Gets sent to Voicemail*

Max: Hey Ness! I'm super excited for your dinner party tomorrow!

Max: You must be so exhausted with all the cooking I know you've be doing. I thought to save you some time, I'd swing by with a pie from Sparky's."

Ness: A pie from Sparky's? What am I, DD?

N: I'd bet she'd like me to serve a Sparky's pie at my pristine dinner tomorrow. Oh, I'd bet she'd like that.

Mike: Why don't you just use the Sparky's pie?

N: The same reason we didn't get married at Freddy Fazbears. Because we're not slobs in this house.

N: It's just tacky."Oh yeah! Please come over, enjoy the restaurant pie. And afterwards lets have a pizza fight."

N: What you do when you serve restaurant dessert, is you're basically climbing out of the trenches and waiving a white flag in the air. Its a sign of weakness! It's a lazy dessert!

N: If I were to serve a pie from Sparky's I would essentially be Afton to chicka's cupcake and dying in a springlock suit.

N: Can't you see what's happening here? Max is trying to make me look like Ballon Boy by leaving me with a Sparky's pie.

N: When you serve a restaurant dessert it says "I wanted to have a party, but I didn't want to actually cook anything because I was too busy watching The Immortal and the Restless in the nude.

N: I've got news for you Max. I'm serving the freashest home baked pie you've ever seen! We can't cook this baby until 10 minutes before the guests arrive because I'm serving this baby PIPPING HOT!

Mike: That's cutting it close isn't it?

N: I'm an adrenaline junkie, Mike, I need the rush. But I will admit, these are stressful times.

Inspired by this and this

[l1tw1ck]

Coveting

top!father-in-law william afton x bottom!ftm reader

↳ W.C: 1,065

Words Used for Reader: Hole, Sex, T-Dick

↳ [Event Request] | No AFAB Language Used

↳ Fandom: Five Nights at Freddy's

CW: Non-Con, Touching, Fingering, Groping, Threats, Face Fucking, Creampie

Reader Discretion is Advised

It hasn't been too long since you married Michael Afton, and you've definitely noticed the weird looks your father-in-law William's been giving you since then. You live with Michael's entire family, so you have no choice but to be around his father regardless of how uncomfortable he makes you.

The way his hands would linger on your body for a moment too long or the way he'd 'accidentally' walk in on you moments before you shower. Thanks to the lock that mysteriously broke one day, you have no defense against the man entering the bathroom next to yours and Michael's room. Of all bathrooms, he always wants to use that one. You know he likes you but you have no intention of letting him go anywhere with you. You're married and he's much older than you, hooking up with him is the last thing you want to do.

You haven't told anyone about his inappropriate behavior since you assumed it wouldn't go any further than it had already gone.

But it did.

You were watching TV by yourself, thinking you were going to be home alone for once. But unfortunately, the door opened to reveal your father in law.

He smiled at you and sat down next to you, wrapping his arm around you. You took a deep breath to calm yourself. Maybe he won't be weird today, that's what you hoped.

Your hopes meant nothing. He shushed you as his other hand snuck down underneath your shorts and underwear, running two of his fingers up your sex. “Stay still.” He whispered.

You didn't move, purely out of fear.

He fingered you until he managed to make you come, which surprised you since you were so scared. He pulled his fingers out and sucked on them, tasting your cum with a smile on his face.

You thought maybe he'd stop at that, since he never tried to do it again.

But once again, you were wrong.

You wake up, in bed alone while your husband is working, to the feeling of your covers being pulled away, causing your eyes to shoot open. The moonlight illuminates the culprit, William.

"What are you doing?" You grab the blankets to cover yourself back up.

"Shh, be quiet." He rips the blankets away from you.

You open your mouth to scream but he covers your mouth, his other hand digging into his pocket to pull out a pocket knife. "Don't you dare."

Your breath hitches, heart racing in fear.

"You're going to stay still and let me touch you, okay, love? Don't fight back." He puts the knife back in his pocket.

You shiver in disgust, letting him run his hands along your body, his hands groping you softly. William sighs lovingly as his hand moves in between your legs, touching you through your boxers. "It's like you were created to tease me."

You try not to move away, afraid of making a wrong move.

"I never imagined coveting my son's husband." He chuckles, pulling his pants down and bringing out his hard length. He moves your head to face his cock, the tip pressing against your lips. You look up at him with pleading eyes but all that does is turn him on even more.

"Open." He commands. You shakily open up your mouth, allowing him to slip his cock inside. William groans, gently thrusting in and out of your mouth. You lay limp, knowing there's nothing good that'll come out of fighting him. Don't bring fists to a knife fight as they say.

He speeds up, fucking your mouth aggressively. Tears fall down your cheeks as he abuses your throat, thrusting with unusual vigor for a man his age.

The both of you are thankful you don't gag when he hits the back of your throat, more pleasure for him and less fear of getting him mad for you.

He pulls out before he comes, edging himself in favor of lasting longer. "Good boy." He praises, climbing onto the bed. "I've wanted to fuck you for so long...you won't tell anyone about this, right, sweetheart?"

You hesitate.

"Answer me." He pulls your boxers off.

"I won't..."

"Good." William grins as he takes out his hard length and shoves it inside you, throwing his head back and groaning. Your hole feels better than your mouth, he marvels.

"Hu- hurts-" You hiss.

"Is my cock too big for you, baby?" He smirks, bottoming out and tracing his finger along the bulge in your stomach.

You only turn to the side, an expression of discomfort on your face.

William lets out a satisfied groan before slowly sliding in and out, savoring the feeling of being inside you.

You look up at the older man, feeling a terrifying and twisted mix of discomfort and pleasure.

"I know Michael fails to please you properly, or at all." William shakes his head. "If I were him, I'd keep this tight hole of yours nice and full every night."

It's true, you rarely have sex with Michael but your relationship isn't about that. However, you didn't realize how much you needed this until now.

William thrusts into your sex like he can't get enough of you, like he's been deprived of something he never had in the first place. "Good boy- such a good boy for me." He leans into your neck and nips at the skin, tempted to bite and claim you. He doesn't want to start problems with Michael. Yet.

To make up for not being able to sink his teeth into your neck, he instead brings you into a rough and sloppy kiss. You kiss back, allowing yourself to feel good.

He moves his hand down to stroke your t-dick, bringing you to an orgasm. William moans into your mouth, loving the way you feel when you come on his cock. He fucks you through your orgasm, still jerking you off.

"Mm.." He pulls away from the kiss, a disgusting yet attractive grin growing on his face. His thrusts start to get sloppier. "I'm close, sweetheart." He says breathlessly.

You can only moan in response, letting him have his way. It's not long before you feel him pumping his load inside you. The amount feels like too much for an average person.

"I'll help you bathe, darling." He slides out of you and carries you to the bathroom bridal style.

[iamborsh]

"𝑻𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆" William Afton/Y.N/Henry Emily

Tags: au, group sex, anal sex, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, dirty talk.

(art by FellD)

You and William met when you were in college. And now you have been married for a year. William and another friend of his, whom you will soon get to know better, opened their own pizzeria "Freddy Fazbear" and you, being a good wife, supported him. Everything was as usual, however, until one day.

"Dear, did you call me?" - you entered William’s office. He called you and asked you to come to his office. William sat at the table and worked on his laptop, and there was a small cup of green tea next to him.

"Yes, my love, I wanted to offer you something…" - he rose from his chair and walked towards you. What is your husband up to?

"And what?" - curiosity began to play in you.

"We've been together for a long time and you know… Sometimes the same type gets boring". - William straightened your lost strand of hair, tucking it behind your ear. - "I wanted to add a little variety".

"Of course, go ahead, I will always be for making changes". - you smiled warmly, showing that you support him.

"What about group sex?" - He smiled slyly. This is not what you expected to hear.

"W-What? With whom?…" - you, of course, were ready for changes, but not the same.

"With Henry! Darling, you remember him". - Henry, of course, is Will’s partner, it’s hard not to know about him.  - "Please, honey, agree".

You were confused. There's something wrong, but your husband's proposal sounded so…tempting. The image of you taking two cocks at once started spinning in your head. Damn, this is exciting.

"I think I agree…" - you were a little embarrassed, you never thought that you would agree to something like this

"I knew you would make the right decision!" - William kissed you tenderly on the lips. You didn't notice the phone in William's hands

After a while, the kiss stopped being gentle, it became persistent, almost animalistic. You heard the sound of the door opening.

"Here comes, my Henry" - William smiled. You turned to the side, yes, it was Henry, most likely, your husband had already called him. Everything inside of you clenched. Desire and fear were mixed. - "Won't you join in the fun?"

Now two pairs of arms are hugging your waist. You felt warm lips touch your neck, it was already Henry, William was busy with your shirt at that time.

"Nice bra, honey" - William decided to piss you off even more. The thoughts that this was wrong left you. You tried to hide your heavy sighs of pleasure, but you did it extremely poorly, because while Will was circling your tongue your swollen nipples, Henry has already started to move down to your jeans.

"Just relax, Y/N~" - drawled the man behind you.

You didn’t even notice how you were left in only white panties, which soon followed the rest of your clothes

"Baby, you're gorgeous, aren't you, Henry?" - William asked Henry, who was holding your legs from behind, as he approached you from the front.

"Yes, Y/N, you have nothing to be ashamed of". - Henry's hands teasingly "accidentally" touched your clit, causing you to moan involuntarily.

The head of William’s cock impatiently rubbed against your soaked cunt, causing you to arch. Your position wasn’t entirely comfortable, but you didn’t care, it wouldn’t be difficult for Henry to hold you.

"Please!" - you screamed, you were tired of these two teasing.

Henry and Will looked at each other, you felt not only William’s cock entering you from the front, but also Henry’s cock.

"Oh!" - you moaned in surprise"

"Damn, how nice". - Henry groaned muffledly. William was just breathing heavily, but you can be sure he was feeling damn good too

At first it was a little painful, because it was your first time experiencing anal sex, but soon your body got used to it and double pleasure began to spread throughout your body.

The room was filled with intimate spankings of 3 bodies skin on skin, which turned you all on even more. You were still quite a modest girl and a kind wife, and now you moan so depravedly from the fact that you take two dicks at once, but you don’t care

"Honey, you squeeze us so tight. Do you like it that much? But you doubted it before". - as if wanting to embarrass you, your husband purred.

You were unable to speak. Two cocks moved inside you at the same time, pounding into you up to your balls, causing your pussy to make squelching noises.  Warmth began to arise somewhere in the lower abdomen. William's hands went to your clit, kneading it and making you groan loudly. God forbid that any of the workers heard this.

"Oh, fuck, I'm going to cum soon, Hen-Hen." - your husband hissed, the men’s thrusts becoming more and more chaotic.

"Me too, Willie" - then you didn’t even notice how affectionately they addressed each other, you were too excited. 

Your walls began to tighten around the men’s cocks, making them feel even more pleasure and breathe heavily. A couple of seconds and you came with a drawn-out moan.

Soon you simultaneously felt a viscous liquid inside you. Looks like the men came too. You rested your head on William's shoulder as your husband's lips moved towards Henry's.

The office seemed to be in chaos. Clothes were scattered and the floor was stained with the men's sperm, but the sensations were worth it. A couple of minutes later, when you finally came to your senses and got dressed, Will comes up behind you, putting his arm around your waist and kissing you on the top of your head.

"You did great, honey. Maybe we can do it again sometime?"