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forensicated · 1 month

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04x45 - The Assassins

Tosh and Frank are in a cafe to speak to the manager as a police snout. They want to know about fake Yugoslavian car parts being brought into the country and apparently, his cafe is where they make the deals. "Where are they all then?" the manager drawls. He has a bouncer because they're open 24/7 as a transport cafe and Frank recognises him but doesn't quite know where from yet. The manager brings Frank a breakfast that is swimming in grease and calls it the best breakfast in London. "Shame about the service." Frank snarks.

Yorkie and Malcolm attend a disturbance where a couple appear to be moving furniture for a house move. They ask for a 'Mr Cooper' who is the person who has booked them and he's apparently called the station saying they're causing a disturbance.

A gang of toff students enter the cafe making loud and depreciating comments. One of them is played by Daniel Flynn (future Superintendent, John Heaton) who is being led around by a collar and lead. Heaton Strathvane also speaks with a Jamaican patois. The manager tells them to sit down and shut up if they want serving.

Mr Cooper tells Malcolm and Yorkie that he lied about a disturbance to get the police to attend. He doesn't think the company is to be trusted. His wife admits they're very worried because they have valuable property like the husband's stamp collection. Malcolm asks if he took out insurance - he didn't. He suggests attending a broker in the high street as soon as they open and before the movers leave to get peace of mind.

The posh students continue making loud comments and open a bottle of red wine. One declares the other customers are almost in the presence of royalty and should be down on one knee. "There's only one place my knee wants to go and it's not down on the carpet." Frank drawls. The idiot approaches Tosh and asks him if he knows what democracy is. "Yeah, I do. It's the freedom not to have someone sit next to you without you asking them to." He says pointedly.

He calls the others over and they claim that Tosh and Frank are gay. Tosh is about to tell them they're police officers as the female throws the bottle of wine at the wall. The idiot who approached Tosh shouts "ASSASSINS!" and starts throwing furniture. Tosh shouts that they're police so not!Heaton tips their table over and the others join in the rioting which sends Tosh flying.

Mr Copper attends Sun Hill and tells Tom that he thinks one of his officers is making money on the side as an insurance broker because he was very insistent that he go and take out insurance (!). He tells him he's 351 or maybe 531. "Oh, and he's black. Must dash!" he says, leaving a confused Tom in his wake.

Tom tells Bob that Tosh's wife was in looking for him. Bob is confused and asks what she wanted. "I said to her I'm younger, richer and better looking but she wouldn't have it..." Tom smirks. He tells him that he sent her to the canteen.

Uniform back up arrives at the transport cafe where the riot is still going on. It's been trashed completely and in the rush to arrest each one, Frank ends up covered in ketchup.

Muriel Lines tells Bob that she asked for him because he's the only one she's met. She asks him if he can speak to Tosh for her about housekeeping money. He said he'd get some out for her but she hasn't seen him in over 24 hours and she needs to go food shopping. She can't use her bank card because it's over the limit. Bob says if Tosh is on a job he can't interrupt him so he pulls his wallet out and hands over a few notes, saying he'll settle up with Tosh later. Muriel thanks him and tells Bob that it was her and Tosh's 15th Wedding Anniversary the day before and not only did he not remember - he didn't even leave work to come home.

The idiots continue kicking off as they're forced inside the station. Burnside tells Bob that one of them reckons he's the 57th line to the throne. They call themselves the Assassins and take restaurants apart. As Tosh takes Eric the bouncer from the cafe to make his statement and be checked over, Burnside tells Bob that he thinks there's something iffy about him and asks him to run a check. The idiots don't understand why they've been arrested and claim they'll pay for any damages and throw a bundle of notes into the air. One asks if they've heard of Diplomatic Immunity. He's the son of a cultural attache to somewhere that Google doesn't recognise my attempts to spell. The others think it's hilarious as he suggests they contact his father.

The idiots are transported to court as Bob tells Tosh that his wife has been in and that he forgot his anniversary. "... She didn't say how many years it was did she?" he asks hopefully. Bob tells him it was 15 and that he should play the black eye he received in the fight for all he can in the hope it'll distract her.

Mr Cooper returns to show his insurance policy to Tony because he still thinks that the company he engaged is dodgy. He doesn't tell Tony who he is or what he is so Tony has to get it out of him bit by bit. He tells him to tell 'him' that it cost him £30 and he's still suspicious of them. "...I will as soon as I see... him?!" Tony blinks, still unaware of what is going on or who Mr Cooper means.

The diplomatically immune idiot is not happy as his father has to attend the station for the embassy to 'take responsibility for him'. He demands 'someone who knows how to treat me'. Malcolm rolls his eyes. "They're all busy." The idiot digs away at him and tells him he's a slave grafting for the white man. Bob interrupts and tells him happily that his father is on the way and he doesn't sound very happy.

Tosh and Frank enter the court as Strathvane's barrister is giving character evidence and saying that the police have made up all the charges against his client. He insists his client has suffered because the police picked on him because he's upper class and a Viscount.

The woman prisoner tries to insinuate that Viv is a lesbian and tells her she loves fighting. She moans for a second and holds her side before telling Viv 'It's nothing!' "Shame..." Viv says, smiling and closing the cell door.

Unfortunately for the posh barrister, Strathvane undoes all his good work in setting up the background of the case by literally holding his hands up and telling the judge to punish him in his faux patois. He jails him for 28 days. His accent drops. "You can't lock me up, don't you know who I am?!"

The idiot's father arrives and hands his son his arse. It's beautiful. He tells Bob that his son has gotten in with a bad crowd and requests that he be held at the station because he's waiving the diplomatic immunity and he wants him to be taken to court. His mother wants a gentleman for a son, not an aristocratic yob." Bob beams at Malcolm. "... Charge room."

Mr Cooper returns to speak to Ken this time. "They haven't turned up at the other end. "... "What exactly are you talking about sir?" "I need to talk to someone a lot older than you!"

Eric, the cafe bouncer, bumps into Tom Penny who outs him as being on the Robbery Squad. "That's where I know you from!" Frank finally realises. He's been moonlighting for a few extra pounds. Frank says he wants everything that he knows about the cafe.

Tom goes to speak to Mr Cooper and tells him "I've done everything you've asked me to and he still hasn't turned up at the other end." "... Who hasn't?" Tom asks patiently. Cooper explains that the movers haven't arrived where they're supposed to - just around the corner from the station. He's moving to Grasmere Road, not Grasmere in the Lake District as he'd had everyone else thinking.

The not-diplomatically-immune-anymore idiot is still complaining that his father only wants the police to do his dirty work and he calls them all slaves jumping to the big man's shout. He then suddenly doubles over. He shouts that the police have clearly poisoned him. Bob laughs and asks Malcolm if he's slipped something in their food. Upstairs, Frank's visitor, Eric asks if the 'posh lot are alright?'. Somehow I don't think it was Malcolm... 🤣🤣 Posh idiot is placed into an ambulance.

Tosh calls home and tells his wife that he has been injured and makes out that's why he wasn't home. "It's not bad... it's not good, but it's very painful...." he arranges to meet her in half an hour for lunch.

Malcolm and Yorkie take Mr Cooper round to where he's supposed to be moving to. He asks if they'll catch them. "It's hard to say, Mr Cooper." Yorkie says diplomatically. "In other words, don't hold my breath!"

Mrs Cooper moans at her husband for slacking and not using a professional moving team to save £70. Yorkie suggests it's not his fault but Mrs Cooper insists it is because he'd have rushed to spend £70 on stamps if he got a chance!

Eric tells Bob and Frank that the owner of the cafe doses the punters that he doesn't like with a dye that's put in the red wine. In large doses, it really affects stomachs.

Yorkie and Malcolm find the moving van. It had to pull over because the engine and exhaust had failed. They move round to check the back of the van and the woman gets jittery and tries to stop them. It's empty. "I see. That type of removal is it?" Malcom turns, confronting them.

Burnside visits the owner of the cafe and lets him know that he's onto what he does with the dye and the wine. He won't prosecute if he tells him what's going on with the fake car parts.

One Day In The Life Of Television is a documentary that goes behind the scenes of this episode. Click here and skip to 41.32 for clips that show behind the scenes, a couple of bits that were cut and also a short interview with Robert Hudson and Chris Ellison.

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