#Destroy myself. due to. a few things that have been bothering me persistently for a good while now.

[nehts]

Huh .

[megumis-lashes]

Love Bites

Vampire! Han Jisung x Reader Part 2

**Contains**: mentions of blood/blood drinking, parental abuse, bullying, fighting, slight swearing, emotional abuse, friends to lovers, werewolf Hyunjin, western high school standards, female reader

Flashback =

> Hello

Spending the weekend with Jisung was awkward to say the least. I knew it was in no way his fault. It was mine. I hadn’t had ‘friends’ in years and practically forgot how to act around other people. Thankfully his bubbly personality seemed to make up for everything I lacked. Following the weekend I knew I had to attend school. As much as I hated it, I knew that skipping would only spell more disaster for me in the future. I arrived to school with Jisung, looking somewhat put together despite my rough situation.

I never knew how knowing and interacting with certain people could gain. So. Much. Attention. I forgot just how popular Jisung really was. He wasn’t the most popular, but the majority of students could easily recognize him in a croud. Much to my dismay, people began to spread rumors about the situation. The biggest one was in regard to why I arrived with someone like him, or even talked to him for that matter. We had never talked outside of school before this. This reminded me of a similar situation. My parents being the way they are had signed me up for the school tutor program. Much to my dismay I had been assigned the school’s pretty boy, Hwang Hyunjin,as my student. Despite his constant attempts at becoming my friend, Hyunjin and I’s relationship was purely professional. I helped him out on school work and I would get more points for college. This didn’t stop the rumors though. Many jealous ‘fangirls’ spread rumors about us dating, which I didn’t appreciate. I would constantly get hate notes delivered to my locker.

I quickly dismissed Jisung and began my day. Today was pretty standard. I had two quizzes and some homework due, but nothing too bad. The only thing that scared me was what my lunch schedule held. Hyunjin had a huge unit test in chemistry today and he requested my help during lunch period. I hadn’t really given him an answer, but he said that if I showed up he could pay me. Right now I really needed the money so I was willing to accept a few more hate notes than usual. After my morning classes I showed up to lunch and sat by Hyunjin’s group of friends, surprising them in the process.

“Wow Hyunjin is this your girlfriend? I’ve seen you with her before.” One of the boys questioned. I think his name was Felix.

“No, no this is my tutor, name. She’s here to help me study for my chemistry unit test, I’m just surprised she showed up is all.” He chided as he rubbed his neck nervously. I could tell he was in no way ready for this test.

“Don’t worry the study session should be quick. I’ll make sure you’re prepared before the end of lunch. You should still have some time.” I explained as I shuffled through my backpack. I handed Hyunjin a small study guide I prepared for him.

“Here’s something I threw together. Read that over and tell me what you don’t understand. I’ll be over there when you’re done.” I smiled subtly as I walked over to the next table. Despite his popularity he was still a normal teenager.

As I had expected, helping Hyunjin during lunch drew some attention to me, especially from the ‘popular girls’ or whatever they like to be called. I never really minded their existence, but I could always feel their eyes burning into me whenever I hung around their ‘love interest’. Before lunch ended collected my payment from Hyunjin and went to use the restroom. I was fixing my hair in the mirror when those girls walked in.

“Oh if it isn’t name! That’s funny we were just looking to talk to you!” I sighed in annoyance. I was in no mood to talk with them for whatever reason. I never had many interactions with them, but they still managed to put me on edge. Their small group consisted of two juniors and one sophomore. Their leader ‘Mia’ was a relatively tall girl with long black hair who typically wore bright red lipstick. She was by far the worst out of them. Along with her was her close friend, Jiuen. She had bleach blond hair that she often styled in curls. The last girl was rather mysterious. I honestly couldn’t remember her name. She wasn’t one to stand out in a crowd and I don’t think she was a part of the group by choice. She had dark brown hair, styled in pig tails, and wore chunky blue glasses.

“Did you need something?” I sighed. I would have to leave for class soon.

“Ah yes!” Mia answered. “We’re here to make a deal with you!” I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion.

“What about?” I questioned

“So you see you’ve been hanging out with some popular people lately, and I guess you could say that I’m a bit jealous.” She giggled. “I hate to be that person but could you do me a favor and leave them alone? I need all the chances I can get in getting a boyfriend!” She explained.

I sighed. “Are you serious? If you’re talking about Hyunjin there’s nothing going on between us at all. Same with Jisung. We’re simply acquaintances who help each other out from time to time. I don’t see how it’s a problem.”

“Well I’m afraid that’s not convincing me. There’s no way I know anything about your relationships so you could be lying for all I know. I simply cannot trust your word on this!” She huffed. I rubbed my temples in annoyance.

“Look I swear I’m telling the truth. What would I even gain from lying? Plus there’s no way I can fully avoid Hyunjin as I am his assigned tutor.”

“Just request a change in students it’s not that difficult. I don’t see why you can’t just help me out this one time.” She groaned dramatically.

“Well what’s in it for me? You’re practically rewriting my life for your benefit only. I’m sorry but I’m not changing my entire schedule just so you can have a better ‘chance’!” I was getting sick of this conversation. I wanted to leave.

“Fine then you leave me no choice! I can easily destroy you.” She snickered.

“What do you mean?” She was making me anxious. She barely tried to convince me and she’s already pulling out her greatest asset?

“Well if you somehow managed to forget, I am the principals daughter. I could easily pull some strings. Maybe I could say you cheated! Yeah that’s a great idea! All the grades you worked so hard on would turn to dust! Then you’d be suspended for breaking school law! Oh and I’m sure your parents wouldn’t be so happy about that now would they?” She chuckled as she pulled out her phone.

“You can’t be serious Mia. This isn’t that deep.” I tried to stop myself from shaking.

“Oh I’m serious! It only takes a press of my finger to ruin you! If I send a report to my dad about you cheating, I know he’d believe me! You’re best option is to just agree to my conditions! There’s no way your parents would be happy with you being expelled!”

I was on the verge of tears. There was nothing I could do in this situation. She was right. There was no way I would be let of the hook for being expelled. This combined with all the stress I had been feeling in the past week led me closer and closer to breaking.

“Fine.” I stammered “You win. I won’t talk to either of them and I’ll ask to tutor someone else. Just please don’t mess with my grades. You know how much they mean to me.” I pleaded.

She giggled. “Finally you gave in! Alright then that’s a deal! I won’t ruin you, or at least not until later!” She exclaimed. I gritted my teeth, still trying to keep my composure.

“Come on girls let’s go!” She led the girls from the bathroom. Upon leaving she slammed into my shoulder, effectively pushing me into the wall. That hurt like hell.

“Haha so sorry! I must’ve not see you there!” She chuckled again and walked away with her group.

I cringed in pain as I felt the warm tears I had worked hard to withhold cascade down my cheeks. Wasn’t this an eventful week.

For the rest of the day I made it my duty to avoid the two boys at all costs. I could in no way afford that level of failure going on my record. I would be doomed for all eternity. Avoiding them wasn’t too difficult during classes. I was in much higher classes than Hyunjin and only shared a few classes with Jisung. Thankfully I had all my shared classes in the morning. At the end of the school day, I requested a new student to tutor. I claimed our timing didn’t work out and left a small note to Hyunjin explaining it was for personal reasons. I continued through my day as unaffected as I possibly could act. I attended volleyball practice until 6, then took a different route back to Jisung’s house in hopes of avoiding him completely. I managed to sneak in through his back door (AN: no pun intended) since he had given me a key. I only saw him once that night for a brief moment. He questioned why he didn’t see me and I explained that I had volleyball and homework to do. I also warned him that he probably wouldn’t see me much after school so that he wouldn’t worry. The next morning I left before he woke up.

Over the course of the next few weeks I was successful in avoiding both Hyunjin and Jisung. Jisung did seem a little suspicious of seeing me extremely rarely, but he didn’t push his questions since I helped with chores and even payed him a portion of the money Hyunjin had given me. Hyunjin on the other hand was extremely bothered over my sudden change in schedule. He would constantly try to approach me at lunch or during class and as much as it pained me, I would force myself to ignore him or walk away giving him some dumb excuse. I knew he didn’t believe anything I said. The most persistent thing he did was leave me letters. I read the letters but I never replied. He would often describe his day and somehow always end up on the topic of tutoring. He explained how he was assigned a new tutor, except it was a girl that was a year under him. Despite how advanced she was in classes, she knew little of the junior material and was even more confused than Hyunjin. With his constant begging for me to come back I constantly felt terrible about my decision. As much as I appreciated his efforts at keeping in contact with me, there was one small issue. He. Was. Extremely. Obvious. Practically the entire school knew he left envelopes in my locker, many of them believed the notes to be love letters.

Today was no different. I was returning to my locker at the end of the school day only to find another note. Upon first look it was easy to understand why people thought the notes to be out of love. Hyunjin wasn’t exactly great at portraying his emotions and could be rather dense at times. He used a baby pink envelope and decorative stationary that I could only assume belonged to a female in his family. In today’s note he described how desperate he was to have me as a tutor again. His current tutor recently passed out from what Hyunjin had described as ‘confusion’ and had been too embarrassed to show up to tutor sessions the past couple sessions. When Hyunjin attempted to ask for a new tutor, the teachers refused as he had changed tutors once that month already. I chuckled. I could tell he was panicking while he wrote the letter. His messy handwriting was a stark contrast to the beautiful card. He could be dense at times but I knew he was a smart kid, he could manage without me for a while. What I failed to notice at the time were the burning stares drilling into my back.

“Hi name! It’s a nice day today isn’t it! You wouldn’t mind going on a small walk with us would you?” My small smile quickly faded. That voice, I could recognize it anywhere. It was Mia and by the overly ‘happy’ tone of her voice I could tell she wasn’t too happy with me. As much as my gut pleaded me not to follow her I couldn’t risk anything.

“Sure.” I murmured. I quickly finished packing my backpack and shut my locker, following the three girls. The girls stopped at a small shady spot at the back of the school. They weren’t lying it was nice out. It was a clear fall day, the sun shining beautifully in the sky. Despite all this I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it. I was scared shitless of what they were going to say. Mia quickly faced me.

“So what do you have to say for yourself? Liar.” I creased my brows in confusion.

“What do you mean? I haven’t broken our agreement?” I really hoped they withheld their part of the deal.

“Well name you aren’t very subtle. I thought with how smart you are you would know better!” She scoffed.

“I’m still confused as to what to what you mean?” I was seriously starting to panic at this point.

“Just give up already. You don’t have to play dumb for me anymore. I know you broke our agreement. Your little relationship with Hyunjin is pretty obvious if you ask me. Sure you may have stopped tutoring him but I see how he leaves letters for you. You read every single one and you even chuckled while reading today’s ‘love letter’. You’re not a sly as you think!” She exclaimed. I knew she was mad now.

“No, no, no you’ve got it all wrong! I’m in no secret relationship with Hyunjin and I never reply to his letters! He’s just struggling in class and wants me to tutor him again but I’ve told him I can’t-“ Time seemed to freeze at that moment. What woke me from my trance was a sharp pain to my left cheek.

She slapped me.

I was frozen out of pure shock. As I blinked out of it I could feel warm drops of blood stream from a small cut on my check. I definitely didn’t expect her to get physical.

“That’s what you deserve you deserve you bitch! How dare you! I went easy on you! I made an agreement and you just had to ruin everything! That’s it! Two can play at this little game of yours! By Friday I’ll make sure to ruin you and make sure the whole school hears your embarrassing little sob story as well!” She screamed as I collapsed to the ground. My shaking legs had finally given out a look of shock still painted on my face. She began to walk away. I stumbled forwards towards her.

“Wait! No! No! No! You can’t do this to me! What did I ever do to you! I never did anything-“ She cut me off by yanking my hair. I sobbed out of fear and despair.

“Shut up. YOU ruined my chances. YOU broke the deal! Think of this as ALL. YOUR. FAULT!” She finished her argument by slamming her hand bag in my face. I cringed in pain as the metal clasps made contact with my skin. That was sure to bruise later. Following their leaders departure, Jiuen walked over to my slumped form. She shuffled in her bag and pulled out a small carton of milk. She quickly tore open the carton and dumped it over my head. I sobbed and coughed in disgust. The third girl did absolutely nothing besides stand there and look down at me in pity. She quickly ran after the other girls.

“Why me?”

I sat there for what felt like hours but was probably along the lines of 15 minutes. I felt disgusting to say the least. I had never wanted to shower this much in my life. I took of my bag, thankful it was still clean, and began to dig around. I quickly found an old gym shirt and used that to somewhat clean my face.

The walk home was humiliating. I could feel the stares of students and teachers alike burn into my back. I kept my head low. The walk itself felt like torture. I was exhausted, both mentally, emotionally and physically. I was also still in pain. I could feel blood ooze from the cuts on my face and the bruises begin to form. I’d probably have to buy some concealer to hide the bruising. Upon arriving to the house I quickly stumbled inside. Once I reached the living room I realized my mistake. Jisung was home and was staring right at me.

“What the fuck happened to you?” He questioned almost flying off the sofa. He must’ve been playing games before my arrival.

“Oh, uhh nothing really. I just uhh... tripped is all. Don’t worry I’ll go take care of it.” I knew it was probably the worst excuse of the decade but I really didn’t have the energy to make a better one.

“Bullshit! You have bruises and scratches almost exclusively on your face! Plus I can tell you’ve been avoiding me!” He exclaimed as he approached me “Name you don’t have to act strong all the time. I can tell you’re not ok. Please tell me what happened... if you can.”

It didn’t take another word from Jisung for me to breakdown in a mess of tears. It was about time. The amount of stress I had been experiencing was extremely unhealthy. Combined with the fact that I wasn’t allowed to express emotions at home, the pressure was too much.

“I-I got into a f-fight.” I sobbed. “I really don’t know what I did wrong! They had to blackm-mail me for what? Having friends?” I buried my head in my hands. I was broken. “They got mad at me for being by you and Hyunjin! They, they threatened to ruin me! All my hard work! My hours of unhealthy studies! All to make my parents happy! But they just had to destroy it all out of spite!” I coughed as I felt the salty tears slip onto my lips. My sobs were cut off when I felt strong arms wrap around my middle.Jisung had hugged me. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had given me a hug. As happy as I should of been, the physical contact simply made me sob harder.

“Slow down, slow down! I know you’re upset and I’m here for you! Just go at your own pace. I’m not gonna go anywhere until you’re done.” He patted my back. I tried to calm my breathing and began to explain. Explain everything, from when I had been kicked out to when the girls had first blackmailed me to when they attacked me for Hyunjin’s notes. It was exhausting to just remember those events. Then I explained everything about my parents. How difficult they were. Nothing mattered besides numbers and results.

“They could care less about my existence as a person, or their daughter. “ I explained. We were now seated on his large sofa, his hand holding mine out of comfort. The whole time I explained my situation I could tell he was listening. He started at me attentively with a kind look in his eyes.

“I never knew we were so similar.” He chuckled as he scratched his neck.

“What do you mean.” I questioned, drying the tears from my face.

“The whole parent thing I mean. My parents are incredibly hard on me as well. I’m the next in blood line per say, and because of my familial ranking I take an important family position once my parents die. They aren’t necessarily that focused on grades like your parents are but they care a lot about field performance. That doesn’t mean I can slack in school though.” He sighed. “Other than that they barely pay any attention to me. They let me figure out everything on my own. By the age of 12 I practically lived alone. I’ve been an adult for almost the entirety of what should’ve been my childhood.” He sighed. “Anyway thank you for explaining it to me I know it’s been difficult for you. As much as you dislike them, let’s make a deal.”

“About what?” I blinked myself awake. I was starting to get really tired.

“No more secrets. Don’t keep this sorta stuff to yourself from now on ok? It does more harm than good. I’m always here to listen!” He smiled. I could feel my checks warm at his smile. It was cute.

“Alright then.” I smiled bashfully. “Pinky promise?”

“Pinky promise!” He confirmed, quickly wrapping his pinky around mine.

“Now I hate to be rude but you should really take a shower.” He scratched his neck as he chuckled.

“Hey! I went through a lot today!” I chided

“I know, I know. How about you go shower and then we can watch a movie! Maybe it’ll help you feel better!”

“Actually... that sounds really nice. But what about my homework? And my grades?” I completely forgot that school existed.

“Ahh don’t worry about it! I’ll do your homework for you when you shower! I already did mine so it’s fine! About your grades, just leave it to me! I’ll talk to them tomorrow ok!” He exclaimed.

“Are you sure?” I questioned. I’d feel guilty if he did all that for me.

“I’m sure! Now go!”

I started to walk to my room to go shower when I stopped.

“Hey Jisung?”

“Yeah? What’s up?”

“Thank you.”

I smiled. My first true smile in a while.

[redhawtriot]

When Cheated On (Bakugou x Reader)

Tip Jar ☕- Not expected but always appreciated💞

Part 1: Shinsou

Part 2: Bakugou

All in all, your relationship with Bakugou was a successful one. You had pretty much gotten used to most of the more stressful situations. 

You had mastered cohabiting with with the meticulous hot head, you had braved social events with his alter ego, Ground Zero, and you had even conquered waiting alone during those long nights when he wouldn’t come home until the next morning due to his night patrols/missions.

There were also some aspects of your relationship that took a little more effort to get used to.

His refusal to warm you in public.

His persistent emotional wall that he had up.

His obsessive need to check your phone

Bakugou knew that he was an overbearing, overprotective, overwhelming boyfriend. He knew that it bothered you when you would find him going through your phone when you had accidentally left it laying around the house, vulnerable.

Eventually you had become somewhat accustomed to these intruding acts and were confident that he would never find anything incriminating on your phone—until he did.

“Y/N!!!” you heard him roar, causing you to temporarily lose your footing in the shower.

You heard him slam open the bathroom door only moments before the shower curtain was jerked open, inviting piercing cold air onto your wet skin.

“Katsuki! What the hell is your problem?!” You screamed at him as you tried to find sanctuary under the hot running water of the shower.

“NO!” he screeched as he angrily twisted the shower off, leaving you vulnerable to the icy air. You opened your mouth to protest but he sharply shoved your lit phone into your face as he continued his verbal assault, “What the hell is your problem, you idiot!?”

Your eyes struggled to focus on the objected being forced at you, but after a few short moments you saw a stream of texts that you had with one of your co-workers.

Implicating texts you were sure you deleted the night before. How could you have not deleted them the night before?!

Bakugou’s heart dropped when he saw your eyes widen at the phone set between the two of you.

Your silence caused his expression to momentarily falter. This wasn’t the way that this supposed to go. He would confront you with something. You would immediately refute his claims with that stupid adorable laugh you did and throw yourself on him saying things like,

“Your arms must hurt from reaching so hard all of the damn time,” or,

“Can’t I have two moments of peace in my own home?” and then you would shower him with endless compliments and praise, and tell him how much he meant to you before your eyes would glaze over with an expression that he knew all too well.

You would slowly draw him closer you with that stupid laugh and grace his neck and jaw with a flurry of soft and warm kisses. You would drag your hot lips up to his ear and whisper for him to ‘break your back like a glow-stick.’

He hated it when you said dumb shit like that. It completely killed the mood, but now as he stared at you with your mouth fumbling over itself, unable to say a word, he wished that he could hear it again.

Because he knew then that he wasn’t blowing things out of proportions like he usually did.

His brain tried to process these events but with them came too many emotions. He couldn’t compute the scene that played out in front of him.

“You… cheated on me?!” he voice cracked as his throat began to dry out. His brain seemed to finally click as the happenings fell into place.

He snarled as he tried to cover up this obvious tell of emotion, “and your dumb ass thought that I wouldn’t find out?!” he screamed before destroying the phone in a ball of smoke and flames.

“Katsuki!” you cried out in horror.

He honestly hadn’t meant to do that, but he rolled with it anyway. Destruction was the only thing between him and a full-blown mental breakdown right now.

You immediately grabbed your nearby towel and floundered out of the shower, “I- I don’t know what to...” you struggled to formulate a full sentence as you frantically threw a towel around yourself. You looked up to his face and was met with an unfamiliar expression.

You expected his eyebrows to be twisted and raised in a crazed expression.

You expected his teeth to be grinding inside of his scowling mouth.

You expected him to be furious.

You would have preferred it that way honestly because the softened face and wet eyes that you were met with broke your heart in a million different ways.

Your confrontational and boisterous boyfriend seemed to be replaced with a heartbroken, helpless stranger. 

You felt the back of your eyes become hot. 

In that moment for Bakugou your eyes were trying to destroy that fine line that he was dangerously teetering on. As he looked into them they only reminded him of how much he loved you and how terrified of losing you he was. Bakugou absolutely hated losing.

His heart flipped inside of his tight chest as the first tear fell from your face.

You didn’t even bother on prefacing with a ‘let me explain.’ Your Bakugou hardly listened to you enough normally, it would be a miracle if he listened to anything you said right now at all in his unstable state, “They... were just a friend I swear,” you knew better than to grab him, so instead you threw your your face in his shirt, “We just had too much to drink this weekend, but I swear I didn’t sleep with them. I stopped myself! I—”

“You stopped yourself, Y/N? Congradu-fucking-lations!” The way that he yelled at you didn't match the hopeless look on his face and he knew it. Frustrated, he aggressively wiped his eyes clean with his arm, “I’m gonna go to the guest bedroom. You get an hour to pack up your shit and leave.”

You couldn't find it in yourself to answer him. You knew that reverting to your old tactics of flattery wouldn’t help you now, but maybe there was one last effort to fall back on. 

You hesitantly moved your face up to look at him, but he wasn’t looking at you. He was staring at the shower in front of you as if the last five minutes were playing on a loop in his mind. God, you had broken him.

You paused for a moment before reaching up to his jaw and pressing a firm kiss on his skin. He still remained as a statue-- unmoving and unbothered; however, his lack of disapproval pushed you to place down another kiss. 

Then another. 

And another until your lips found there way to his own. You were more than surprised to find his lips moving ceremoniously with your own. They moved in a well-rehearsed, passionate dance that you two had been practicing for a long time. 

His hands moved up to your hair and grasped tightly at the fibers as he drew you in closer to him to intensify the performance. You leaned your body against his and felt your head become light against his tight grip as he moved you to match him. 

You felt a slight wetness splatter onto one of your cheeks before your dance was harshly abrupted. 

“Cut that shit out.” he suddenly yanked his face away from yours as he lowly commanded you. You looked up to his face which was being progressively covered in more tears.

“Baby…” you wheezed as if the air had just been knocked out of you. You reached out to his face, “I thought—”

“GO!” he bellowed as he snatched his body from you and smacked your hand away from him. He once again harshly wiped his face dry with his arm, “Get to packing.” 

You noticed that he was starting to tear up again as he marched to the guest bedroom and slammed the door behind him.

You waited only a few moments before mustering up the courage to follow after him. Your hand paused as you reached out to grab to door handle. I guess deep down you knew that the events that would occur on the other side would forever change the nature of your relationship. 

.

.

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Part 2.5?  Someone else could even write it if you wanted to.... jk... unless?

[axemetaphor]

OC Masterpost

I need an organized place to put info about all my OCs so that’s what this post is gonna be for!

In addition to basic bios and some reference images, I’ve also got links to Spotify playlists for every character, because music is a strong association with personality for me. (If you don’t use Spotify, or if you know of a streaming platform more easily accessible than Spotify, send me an anon and I’ll duplicate the playlists to that service then add a link here!) I also have moodboards for every OC.

This post will be rather long so I’ve put in under a readmore for the sake of convenience.

It’s also important to note that my OCs exist in an AU where some things are a little different. For example, Infinite in this AU is 17 and that’s definitely not because I assumed he was an edgy teen like Shadow, and after Robotnik’s defeat in Forces, the Resistance became the Restoration. All the troops who had been battling were reassigned to rebuilding whatever town they happened to be in at the time of victory, with extra troops being redistributed as needed (leading to the formation of small roving teams traveling from place to place to help out).

It’s a little bit of an unorganized info-dump at some points, but I’ll update it to be more organized at some point.

Updated 01/20/2019

Rhys the Serval

Spotify playlist | Moodboard

Rhys was designed by @creative-sanic and she also came up with most of his backstory!

Rhys is a gender-nonconforming cis gay dude. He was born to a ‘feral’ mother in the wilderness closest to Central City (between the City and Mystic Ruins, far enough away from civilization to be undetected for a majority of his early life). At age 7 or 8, a massive fire swept the forest, putting him and his mother in massive danger. Officials sent to contain the fire discovered that she and Rhys were living alone in the forest, and took the two into protective custody while working through the devastation caused by the fire. The city pressured Rhys’s mother to join civilization, but she adamantly refused, and as a consequence, Rhys was stolen from her and put up for adoption, leading to her having a violent breakdown. She was moved to a containment facility and hasn’t seen Rhys since; he has only the faintest memories of her. He was adopted at age 13 or 14 (having been shuffled around in foster care before then) by a family of bears, and went on to be a fairly average Mobian citizen, working as a waiter at Penne For Your Thoughts. That’s where he met Vitriol, who is now his boyfriend. After dating for a few months, they decided to move in together, with Vitriol moving into Rhys’s apartment, which was the larger of the two. Rhys is now roughly 19 years old (18 or 19).

Rhys and Vitriol have a steady relationship relatively devoid of problems. They love each other enough that no problem is too big for them to tackle, and when Vitriol became part of the Restoration (the collective effort to undo the damage done by Robotnik and the Resistance), Rhys moved with him all over the world, glad to have a reasonable excuse to travel. Neither wanted to attempt a longstanding long-distance relationship; their being separated briefly during the Resistance was frustrating enough for the two of them.

Rhys is unaware that he possesses Empathic abilities, and simply assumes he’s very good at figuring people out/being sympathetic, but in truth, the forest fire in his youth served as the catalyst for his abilities. Since his Empathy doesn’t require the same physical drain as, say, Vitriol’s Strength, Rhys mistakes his Chaos-Energy-related fatigue after using his powers to be emotional exhaustion. When he’s that tired is roughly the only time he can show unprovoked anger, but he’s also in-tune enough with himself to recognize when he’s being needlessly mean, and he’ll usually apologize right away. This happened most frequently during the events of the Resistance, where Rhys was tasked with helping to get survivors to safe places; he was very good at comforting those who may have lost friends/family in the attacks. From that, he’s begun to entertain the idea of becoming a therapist someday, though he’s not sure how he would afford the college degree for that. 

He gets along very well with Unknown due to them both having rather upbeat personalities. Though Unknown can be a little overbearing sometimes, Rhys likes talking to them and sometimes they’ll gush about how cute Vitriol is. 

As mentioned previously, Rhys doesn’t conform to typical gender norms; he’s a fashionista of sorts and doesn’t care what gender clothing is associated with. He thinks skirts are cute and feel nice, and he thinks makeup is a lot of fun, though he doesn’t do either every single day, just every now and then. For the most part, unless he’s feeling adventurous, he wears a hoodie and jeans, though his work outfit is a fancy suit. So, it’s often nice for him to just wear something low-effort. That being said, he always jumps at every opportunity to do his boyfriend’s makeup, and though Vitriol isn’t the biggest fan of it, he likes seeing Rhys smile, so he usually gives in.

Rhys often prompts Vitriol to keep up with his health, and the two go on camping trips whenever Rhys can convince Vitriol to go. He’s very good at camping; he can build a shelter easily, knows which plants are edible, etc.. Vitriol, by contrast, is pretty clueless, but Rhys is more than happy to teach him. 

When speaking, Rhys normally has a somewhat-formal tone, and he uses little to no slang (usually just words like “gonna,” and he almost never drops the G’s at the end of words). He’s very polite by nature (and some of the formality was ingrained by his job), and he tends to not talk a lot. When he’s really comfortable around someone (like Vitriol), he can chatter a lot, but if he catches himself, he’ll get really embarrassed about it. He has a soft, lilting voice that many find pleasant to listen to and soothing. When he gets excited, or raises his voice, it gets slightly higher in pitch. He’s not an anxious person (as in, he doesn’t have an anxiety disorder) but he’s rather shy and awkward around new people. He’s more of a reserved person than an anxious one, and he is by no means meek; having been raised (post-adoption) by a family of bears taught him how to roughhouse and hold his own against bigger enemies.

For the most part, Rhys isn’t bothered by his past. His life in the forest is far enough away, mentally, that to him it doesn’t feel like it even happened to him. However, the fire was a traumatic event for him, and to this day he has a deep-seated fear of fire. It’s rare, but on occasion, he will have nightmares about that day, and he doesn’t handle that well when alone. Fortunately, Vitriol is fairly helpful to Rhys—his simply being there is very comforting, even though he never really knows what to say.

Toxic the Porcupine

Spotify playlist | Moodboard

Note: while this character started out as a sonicsona of sorts, they’ve somewhat evolved from that and I don’t see them quite so much as “me” anymore. They do, however, share my name (or rather the name I’m using currently, as I write this). To further complicate things they also look the way I do right now and I use them for vent art lmao so, if I happen to draw myself as a mobian ever again I’ll tag it as #not oc. That way it’s clear what’s Toxic the OC and what’s Toxic the...uh, human being I guess. 

Toxic is an agender porcupine who hasn’t settled on their sexuality yet--they know they’re asexual, but they haven’t thought any further into their romantic orientation. They were born in a tiny unnamed village settled in the shadow of Scrap Brain Zone, and only recently did they leave after a majority of it was burnt to the ground...by them. They showed signs of being trans at a young age, and were subsequently bullied quite harshly by both their peers and their family. They came out to their family at age 17, which only deepened the rift already forming, and subsequently Toxic ran away for a week, spending that time in Scrap Brain Zone. That was their first overnight foray into the Zone, something that would eventually become a staple of their life.

At age 19, they discovered an abandoned prototype Wispon in Scrap Brain Zone (devoid of Wisps), which they then decided to retrofit with the flaming spouts from Scrap Brain Zone to make their own strange hybrid flamethrower. A few nights later, after a particularly awful verbal spat with their family, they decided to fake their own death by setting fire to their own room. However, things quickly got out of hand, and the whole town ended up in flames. They fled, unsure if anyone made it out alive that night...and a little less than sympathetic if they didn’t. (Fortunately, a majority of the little village’s populace wound up trickling into neighboring villages and towns)

Since then, they’ve been absolutely destroying almost everything in their path. With no direction and no impulse control, they are a complete loose cannon throwing a wrench in both Eggman’s plans and Sonic’s adventures. They live by a motto of recklessness and “I’m here for a good time, not a long time.” Being an un-powered Mobian, they can’t do much of anything with the Wispon taken away, but taking that Wispon away is much easier said than done. Shortly after their ‘debut’ as a villain-of-sorts, Eggman reached out to them with a message essentially reading, “hey, do you want a direction in which to burn everything down (that is preferably not my everything)?” Since joining forces with Robotnik, though, their chaos has become much more controlled, and now incidents of mass fires can usually be linked to Eggman sending them off somewhere. They are a persistent thorn in the Freedom Fighters’ sides as they just love to fight and don’t really care who they fight.

They will not, however, attack civilians directly. Their fires might pose a threat to cities, but they don’t outright attack people unprompted--their chaos isn’t fueled of malice but rather of recklessness and an extreme lack of forethought. If harassed, however, they aren’t above punching someone in the face, and civilians are warned to just stay the hell away from Toxic. Their behavior overall is best classed as “more of a danger to themselves than others, even when provoked.”

Toxic only owns one jacket and one pair of boots, as well as no other accessories save for the spiked bracelets and collar, since everything else was burnt. One item they are occasionally pictured with, but rarely wear, is a long ankh necklace, the origins of which they refuse to elaborate on. However, it’s clearly important to them… Prior to burning everything, they often wore ripped jeans, loose half-torn-up tank-tops with a variety of detailed patterns, and lots of bracelets. They despite feminine-coded clothing and would rather die than wear it. Overall, they’re fond of clothes that look like they’re being held together by safety pins and hope.

Their speaking pattern is completely all-over-the-place. Their accent is untraceable, they mix slang from a variety of regions, and mix pidgin street-slang with oddly formal sentence structure or complicated words. They alternate between dropped G’s at the end of words and dropped H’s at the beginning, but inconsistently; rather than being a sign that this accent is faked, it’s more a reflection of how scrambled they are on the inside. Toxic’s voice is prone to cracking, especially when they yell (which is very often), and it has a certain hoarse quality to it most of the time. It rests in a midrange between stereotypically “male” and “female” voices, and can be mistaken for a young boy or slightly-older girl interchangeably. This irritates them to no end—they’re no stranger to yelling in demand for their proper pronouns to be used.

Toxic has frequent nightmares, but never speaks of them. They often suffer from broken sleep, only getting a few hours at a time, and on occasion are struck with insomnia. During that time, they doodle or write, dealing with rather dark subjects, but never share this willingly. Oddly enough, they have a rather intense fear of fire (ironic given their Wispon) and of heights. Strangely they seem to use their fear as an adrenaline boost of sorts, embracing it to use as a motivation. (It’s somewhat similar to how Batman uses bats as his main motif, despite having been traumatized by an experience with bats in his childhood.)

They cannot be swayed to being “good,” because they truly believe they are an awful person who could never be good even if they tried. So, they just do what they want out of a very specific, Nihilistic worldview, and truth be told they’re simply a chaotic being who’s in way over their head. Despite being a villain, however, they are a big fan of Sonic and his friends, and they consider it a huge honor to be able to fight him. They’ve created an odd sort of parent-child bond between themselves and Robotnik, adopting him as their dad (he didn’t really get a say). Robotnik isn’t exactly doting but he does view them as his child in a sense, and often makes them new weapons to use alongside their Wispon (which they refuse to part with; he repairs it fro them as-needed). 

Vex the Cat/Fox Cross

Spotify playlist | Moodboard

Vex is a bigender aroace genetic experiment who most closely resembles a fusion of a fox and a cat. (Any pronouns are applicable to them, but I use she/her most, because I have a lot of “he” and “they” OCs already) She has lived roughly 17 years, the first 14 of which were spent in the facility that created them. Partway through what would have been the 15th year, a catastrophe occurred at the facility, giving Vex, Vitriol and Unknown a window to escape. During this process, Vex and Unknown became separated from Vitriol, escaping the facility and winding up on their own. They traveled in a world absolutely foreign to them for months, eventually, through a strange turn of events, joining a thieves’ guild in an attempt to forge new identities. They had great success as a thieving duo up until the unfortunate disappearance of Unknown, after which Vex abandoned the guild to search for them. Instead of Unknown, however, Vex ended up reconnecting with Vitriol in Central City, after which the two worked together to find Unknown, eventually finding their sibling in the Resistance. Since finding each other, the three have not been separated, and now form Team Motley.

Vex is generally regarded as the smartest of the trio, having a sharp wit and capacity both to plan ahead and think on their feet. Her Manipulation ability makes negotiations and covert ops very easy for them, with its one flaw being that it doesn’t work on others with similar abilities, such as Empathy. All three experiments possess low natural levels of Chaos Energy, below what is healthy, and their bodies cannot contain it well, so their abilities rely on the Energy around them, both in the environment and other people. Mobians often report “a strange sort of tiredness” after being Manipulated by Vex, as her power functions by draining a bit of Chaos Energy from the target and matching its wavelength.

Due to her affinity for making others do as she says, Vex is the leader of Team Motley, and, despite being the ‘middle child,’ the other two often go to her for advice. She is the organizational backbone to the team, a natural leader with a kind heart hidden behind a few layers of selfishness. Vex values family and friends above all else, and has a keen sense of right and wrong, even if she doesn’t always do what she knows to be right.

Vex is aware of her Manipulation ability, and does her best to curb its effects when she isn’t intending to use it, but given that it’s activated by her voice, sometimes she can’t control it very well. In addition to that, Vex is more than a little greedy; coming from a background where she didn’t even own her own life, Vex fell in love with her life in the thieves’ guild, mainly for the riches they earned and the thrill of the escape.

She’s a fan of loud, gaudy jewelry, luxurious metals, and other frivolous high-class things, though she doesn’t wear them in public. During their time in the thieves’ guild, Unknown and Vex lived in a network of caves, where many of the things they stole during their heyday are still hidden. While she misses those days, she doesn’t regret leaving them behind, and rather considers it an... option for future employment, once the Restoration is all said and done.

Despite her love of jewelry, Vex prefers not to wear clothes at all. They’ll wear their binder or a sports bra, and that’s about all; if necessary, they’ll wear baggy army-pattern pants or a baggy jacket. They don’t like the feeling of most fabrics on their fur, and don’t care a lot about fashion, but they tend towards more masculine clothing, often for its less-skin-tight properties. They also don’t mind skirts, but only wear them casually, as sometimes the extra fabric can get caught on things or be uncomfortable for them to sit on.

All three experiments tend towards more formal speech, but of the three, Vex has been trained out of that habit the most. She’s a real smooth-talker who adapts her speech patterns to mirror those of the person she’s talking to. When speaking casually, Vex is fairly neutral and doesn’t have any specific quirks to their speech pattern. When she’s comfortable around someone, she speaks in a rather husky voice, but not a very deep or gruff sound. It’s more of what would be described as “butch,” because their voice is closer to the stereotypically “feminine” sound than the stereotypically “masculine” sound.

Vex’s main phobia is having their mouth covered by something—anything from someone’s hands to fabric to a muzzle. This is because when her Manipulation was discovered by the scientists who created her, they immediately recognized it as a threat and she was kept muzzled for extended periods of time. The muzzle had supposedly been ‘humanely designed,’ but if at any point she frustrated her keepers, they were no strangers to shutting or covering the air-intake of it until she cooperated. Of the three, Vex has dealt with her trauma the least, and her sleeping pattern is just as broken as if not more broken than Toxic’s, and she tends to grind her teeth when she sleeps as well. She doesn’t speak of it much, but she and Vitriol have really bonded the most over their shared trauma. He is, essentially, the only person remaining who knows what they went through. 

Because they’re aroace, they have little concept of how flirting works other than when they’re using their Manipulation ability (which isn’t really calculated, more an instinctive knowledge that saying or doing certain things will achieve the effect they want). In other words, they’re extremely oblivious. The only thing they really care about is family, and they will do anything to protect them--when fighting they have no qualms about “fighting dirty” and will use anything to their advantage. Unusually, Vex has the ability to climb along walls quite easily using their claws, practically like a lizard. This combined with their night vision makes them quite formidable to fight in the dark. 

Vitriol the Ferret/Porcupine Cross

Spotify playlist | Moodboard

Vitriol is a gay cis guy who most closely resembles a fusion of a porcupine and a ferret. He has lived roughly 18 years, the first 15 of which spent in the facility that created him. During the calamity leading to his escape, Vitriol separated from Unknown and Vex in order to give them a chance to get out, taking on the officials sent to stop them. He ended up leaving via a different route, resulting in him coming into this world in a completely different place from Vex and Unknown. Vitriol spent the next half-year wandering across Spagonia’s countryside, often stopping to spend a night or two on a farm in exchange for helping its owners, who never questioned why a mysteriously-strong stranger would be wandering the wilderness. Many took him to be some kind of nature spirit, and treated him kindly; he realized through this little pilgrimage that he quite liked helping people out, though he never stayed more than a week in one place. Searching for his siblings was his main priority.

Eventually Vitriol came across a little town, the port of which was a dock for ferries to and from Central City (primarily used by high-end citygoers for transportation to their summer homes). He was told that Central City was a place many people lived and an even larger number of people visited; Vitriol resolved that, if Vex and Unknown were to wind up anywhere, it was likely a place like that--a place people are expected to wind up at. Not understanding the concept of having to pay for things, Vitriol snuck aboard, and managed to go undetected for the entirety of the trip by packing himself nicely into a tiny corner belowdecks. The night before the trip was to end, he snuck off the boat and swam to shore in Central City. Immediately enraptured by the city’s many brilliant lights, Vitriol decided to stay there and do his best to keep an eye out for his siblings.

He spent his first two weeks sleeping on the streets and wandering through the city, until one evening, allured by the glowing neon signs on the inside, he found himself inside a rather lively nightclub/bar. One thing led to another and Vitriol ended up breaking up a fight, catching the attention of the bar’s owner (who was, at the time, half of the staff, as well). Vitriol was offered the job of security officer, no questions asked, and, having begun to come to terms with the fact that money wasn’t just something that one town invented, Vitriol accepted. For the beginning of his ‘career’ he still lived on the streets, but eventually he saved up enough for a tiny postage-stamp of an apartment. It’s only enough space for him to just exist, but that was plenty of space for him. Over time he earned enough money to live comfortably—comfortably enough to get gauges and a septum piercing, both of which helped him in his line of work immensely (as most of his ‘security’ work was simply to look scary enough to keep people from misbehaving). 

Vitriol worked there for roughly the same amount of time that Vex and Unknown “worked” as thieves, and it was during this time that he met and started dating Rhys, moving in with him after roughly three months together. He only reunited with Vex upon happening to run into her when wandering the town one weekend night. The next day he quit his job and left to travel with her, searching for their last remaining sibling. Now that the three are reunited, Vitriol serves as the muscle of the team, doing all the heavy lifting and door-kicking necessary. While he vastly prefers sitting on the couch and watching TV with plentiful snacks nearby (preferably cookies), he’s not the type to shirk responsibilities. He’s just looking forward to going back to relaxing in Central City with Rhys when the Restoration is over (and, though he won’t admit it, he does miss when his only job was looking mean).

Vitriol doesn’t have a lot in his wardrobe. His usual staples are a crop top and leather pants, though he also wears skinny jeans and ripped t-shirts. Sometimes he wears pants without a shirt, and, overall, he doesn’t care a lot about fashion. He just picks up what he thinks is cool, which is usually a t-shirt or crop top with a few words on it (his favorites are “BORN FOR HELL” and “LIFE RUINER”). From there, he’ll often tear off the sleeves of the t-shirt, or cut holes and slits into the body of it. The only thing he always wears are the red fingerless gloves with lightweight chains dangling off the backs. 

He tends to mumble the most when he speaks, unless he’s angry or using his “Work Voice.” His “work voice” is the particular loud, gruff tone he takes that he picked up from his job; an intimidating deeper and more snarling version of his voice, often accompanied by a very stern or frightfully blank expression. This is made more intimidating by the fact that all 3 of the genetic experiment characters have a habit of needing to initiate conversation through eye contact, much in the same way that a small child might gently rest their hand on the arm of an adult whose attention they want, albeit much more unsettling. So often if one of the three wants to speak to someone, they’ll stare very intently at the person’s face until acknowledged (Vex has adapted the most of the three and therefore only does it to the other two and Rhys). When not using his “work voice,” Vitriol has a rough undertone to his voice, not necessarily a snarl so much as a growl. His voice is naturally deep, and lends itself well to singing his favorite music—rock music.

Vitriol often suffers night terrors and nightmares* linked to his trauma. When living alone, after waking from a nightmare, Vitriol would pace his apartment or wander around Central City to cool off, but after moving in with Rhys, he’s processing his trauma a bit more as opposed to just avoiding it. He hasn’t told Rhys much, just that he came from “a horrible place, where [he] was trapped,” and Rhys doesn’t pry; oftentimes it’s enough to just be reminded that he’s free for Vitriol to calm back down. 

Despite his prickly exterior (both literally and figuratively), Vitriol is much more cuddly than Rhys is. Perhaps it’s from being touch-starved in the facility for so long or perhaps it’s just part of his nature, but either way, Vitriol is no stranger to snuggling up against Rhys (most often) or his siblings (slightly less often as Vex is somewhat touch-averse). Rhys isn’t exactly annoyed by this, and often finds it endearing, but on occasion Vitriol has been known to act like a housecat--flopping down right in Rhys’s way to get his attention. He’s also a bit of a jokester, but only around Rhys and his family.

His deepest fear is of being helpless. He doesn’t tend to show much external emotion besides smiling at Rhys or his siblings, or glaring if he’s annoyed by something, but if he’s being dragged along the floor—especially if he’s being dragged by his underarms, as was his keepers’ favorite way of moving him from place to place—he will absolutely lose his mind in a panic. He also panics if cornered, lashing out with uncontrolled strength to get away, which usually doesn’t end well for his captors.

*Nightmares are your standard bad dreams that occur during REM sleep. Usually when waking from a nightmare, the person remembers what they were dreaming about. Often someone suffering from a nightmare will toss and turn, and maybe sleep-talk. Night terrors, however, are somewhere between dreaming and being awake; someone suffering a night terror might yell, thrash, kick or scream, or sit upright in bed with eyes wide open. They cannot, however, see or be woken from the night terror, and will flop back down anywhere from ten minutes to a half-hour after initial panic. They can often be confusing to the person suffering them, and only a vague recollection of what was going on remains when the person wakes up.

Unknown the Raccoon/Hedgehog Cross

Spotify playlist | Moodboard

Unknown is an agender bisexual polyamorous genetic experiment most resembling a fusion of a hedgehog and a raccoon. They have lived roughly 16 years, only four of which have been spent outside. When Vex and Unknown ended up on their own, Unknown took on a role of the silent intimidator between the two. Vex’s Manipulation came in handy most times, but when necessary, Unknown could provide some intimidation.

Unknown was a vastly different person then from who they are now. They were far more focused, and taught themself parkour, as well as having put themself through rigorous training to maintain a good physical health. They rarely spoke, and refused to give themself a new name, unlike Vex and Vitriol. They weren’t interested in the riches, though they did suffer from a bit of a hoarding impulse, enjoying the feeling of owning something. They didn’t care for jewels or finer things, unlike Vex; they were more participating for the adrenaline rush. At that point in time, they fully understood the brevity of their power, and it was imperative for them to keep a calm demeanor at all times; they were far less animated than they are now.

Then, about a year and a half after they’d escaped, Unknown abruptly went missing. A heist went sideways, the two became separated, and suddenly Vex couldn’t find them. A few months after that, Robotnik began taking over the world, and shortly after that, Unknown awoke in a dumpster somewhere in Park Avenue, with no memory of any life prior to that. They gathered all the information about themself from this police flyer:

From there, Unknown wandered the city amidst the chaos, confused and curious. Through that, they met Sonic when they helped him fight off a few robots. Impressed with their skills, he asked them to join the Resistance, which they cluelessly agreed to, definitely not because a cute boy was offering it to them. Unknown ended up being quite helpful to the Resistance, despite presumably having no Chaos Powers. They got along well with virtually everyone save for Omega and Vector, as they have a slight fear of people taller than them.

After being reunited with Vex and Vitriol, Unknown has stayed relatively close to them; the three are inseparable, traveling in a group for the Restoration. Shortly after the final battle, as the Resistance members were celebrating for the night, Unknown stumbled across Infinite while walking home. Unsure whether to turn him in or not, they decided to take him home and let him heal from his wounds first, then figure out who to turn him in to. In the end, after two weeks of Infinite recuperating (during which he revealed his name to be Zero), Unknown decided instead to keep Infinite in their home, unsure what would happen to him otherwise. For a short while, they didn’t tell anyone else, but once they told Vex and Vitriol, they were urged to tell the Resistance as well. It wasn’t taken well at first, but eventually the issue was settled—Unknown would take care of and reform Infinite, because having him close by and watched over is better than having him roam around unsupervised. Despite that, Unknown doesn’t treat Infinite like a child or prisoner but rather a friend. Currently, Infinite resides in the home Unknown was occupying during the Resistance, which was rather close to the site of the final battle.

Unknown’s usual ‘work clothes’ are a leather bodysuit of sorts with buckles similar to an airplane seatbelt’s buckles (and a hole for their tail) and combat boots as well as padded gloves that help absorb shocks), but in the past, they would wear a large cloak. It’s not clear where this went during their disappearance. In their free time, they prefer to wear clothes with deep v-necks to let their neck/chest fluff breathe, and they often wear ripped clothing like Vitriol. Unknown’s thick fur makes them more prone to overheating, but despite that, they enjoy running as a hobby and a way to stay fit. They often wear fitness clothes (a tank top and gym shorts) when they’re in an urban area, though if in the wilderness, they’ll just wear running shoes.

Typically, their voice has a bright and happy tone to it, all the time, and they’re very good at faking it when they’re actually not okay. Vex and Vitriol can usually pick up on when they’re lying, but most others can’t, something Unknown is actually very happy about. When it comes to negative feelings, Unknown is very secretive, but with positive feelings, they love to share—and overshare. (The only exception to their secrecy is anger; an angry Unknown is frightfully quiet and cold, and painfully obvious.) Oftentimes they don’t realize they’re oversharing, but Vex (or Sonic, if present) is more than willing to quickly interrupt and divert the conversation. Unknown tends to use overly-familiar language with just about everyone, especially words like “buddy” or “pal.” It’s unclear if they’ve picked this up from Sonic. 

They often suffer from night terrors, similar to Vitriol, but they claim it has no effect on them, as they don’t remember the trauma giving them nightmares. In the beginning, this was the truth; however, they refuse to open up to anyone, even their siblings, about what’s going on in their head. They’re well aware that they’re the most positive of the trio, and part of them doesn’t want to ruin that idea. Another thing they never tell anyone is that they often suffer from sleep paralysis*, wherein they often see strange things from their past, but existing still in the present. They don’t really know how to verbalize the experience to anyone else.

Unknown doesn’t have many fears, but they are downright petrified of needles and electricity—not in the sense where they’re scared of electronics, but they’re more frightened of visible electricity, like a fizzing outlet, lightning, or the Electric Wispons.

That being said, they do have a few insecurities, namely their sharp teeth. They’ve accidentally frightened people with them in the past, so when they first meet people nowadays, they try to smile with their mouth closed only. The anxiety dissipates eventually, as they’re more concerned about first impressions. 

*Sleep paralysis is an event where a person is mentally ‘there’ but unable to move or speak at all. It occurs when they are falling asleep or just waking up, and episodes usually last less than a few minutes, but can occur multiple times, not just once. It’s thought to be linked to a dysfunction in REM sleep, and is caused by sleep deprivation, psychological stress, or a poor sleep schedule.

Extra stuff:

Files from the experimentation: Basic knowledge on Vex, Vitriol and Unknown, as they would’ve been presented to their guards.

Scrap Brain Zone (writing from Toxic’s perspective)

Unknown meets Infinite (Comic) Part 1 | Part 2

Experiment origins (Flipnote) [old] (Flashing light warning)

Unknown waking up (writing from Unknown’s perspective) [old] 

OC Voiceclaims (video)

Chaos Vision (superemeralds’ idea) doodles | Click bold text to see his post on his blog.

Chips Ahoy (goofy non-canon animatic that im just really happy with)

Test animation for Toxic (Flicker warning)

Pride (doodles of 4/5 OCs for pride [toxic didn’t exist yet])

Moebius AU (Drawings with short description) | Moebius!Unknown video (Flash warning)

First Punch (Animated comic feat. @creative-sanic ‘s Aurora) | Still version

Rough concept writing - Toxic’s powers [will be removed when I decide on their abilities and how they get them in canon] (Writing)

Character Turn-Arounds (Comic/Animation ref) (Includes colour hex keys!)

[ari-zonia]

Shobinweek2018 day 2: Relax, please

Title: Relax, please

Rating: G

Wordcount: 1171

Summary: It’s not a secret Shulk overworks himself, hopefully Robin can talk some sense into him.

Notes: For #shobinweek2018, just a little thing I’ve kind of wanted to write for a while, help add lore to the universe. As one of the first people to have ever wrote this ship, I felt it my obligation to participate. Crossposted between Tumblr and AO3 (AO3 link here if you want to give kudos)

Tags: fluff, small bit of angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, shobinweek2018

Under a readmore to not clog up people’s dash

Shulk was always devoted to his work, that much was always true. Whether it be on his latest experiment, blueprints, or general research. Robin could understand that, he has spent his fair share of nights reading and researching so long that the sun would be about to rise by the time he finally got to sleep. Often times though, that was simply because Robin himself had just got a little too invested in whatever it was that had caught his attention and he’d take a little break to catch up on sleep for the next couple nights. He’s learned since his time in Ylisse, and from his own sister’s example, that carelessly wasting his energy to hopefully get ahead would only leave him behind. Now, if only he could get that through to his fiancé. For the past few days, no, almost the past week, Shulk’s been working away in the garage. He has been working with some of the other technological experts in the Smash Mansion in regards to making a mechanical prosthetic for Dunban. Truly, it’s understandable that Shulk wants to help his father-figure and friend, since over the last few months his disabled arm has been bothering him, and the idea had already been discussed between the two of them some time ago. That wasn’t what the problem was, though, in Robin’s mind. No, the problem was that Shulk hardly left the garage, even to eat. Maybe once or twice over the last week did he leave on his own volition, but that was only because he needed to track down Samus or Alph to discuss the blueprints. Other than that, he only left when someone else forced him away from his documents, either due to a match, or Riki forcing him to join him in the hot springs a couple times. Robin was getting concerned at this point. Shulk has been mulling over book after book of the science of cybernetic replacements from different worlds, drafting, revising, and redrafting designs to provide strength, but also leave the technology light-weight. He could see just how exhausted Shulk was getting from spending many sleepless nights in the garage. It was reminding him too much of himself, and he needed to help Shulk before he keels over himself. Quietly, Robin walks up to the worktable to see Shulk still mulling over one of his blueprints. A cup of coffee that’s probably gone cold sitting some space away, probably to prevent it from spilling over the paperwork. Then again, he wasn’t too much of a coffee drinker to start with, but surely he has that to keep himself awake. “Still slaving away in here, I see.” Robin remarks as he sets down a plate of pancakes in front of his beloved. “Stay here any longer and you’ll be the one needing the cybernetic replacements.” Shulk lightly pushes the plate aside and returns to his scribblings. “You’re such a comedian Ro.” “I’m serious.” “I know you are.” Robin sighs. Was Shulk always this persistent? He knows that being dogmatic was one of Dunban’s traits, but surely that didn’t rub off on Shulk too. Regardless, he’s not leaving until he gets this poor lad out of here for a while. Every time he’s left, he’s come right back. That isn’t very healthy at all. Without many options left, Robin reaches down and snatches the pen out of Shulk’s hand, and stuffs it in his pocket. “Hey!” Shulk reacts. “Give that back!” Robin lowers his eyes. “Eat your breakfast first.” “You’re not Riki, Ro.” Shulk snarks before reaching for a spare pen, only to not find any where he had left them. He growls lightly and slams a fist onto the desk, as he only finds a fork. “When did you learn do that?” Robin holds up the multitude of pens he snatched when he first walked up. “While Robbi took up learning how to ride a Pegasus, Gaius taught me some… useful skills he had picked up as a thief.” “So you used those skills to steal my pens. What do you want?” Shulk’s tone wasn’t as bitter as Robin anticipated, but at least he’s going to eat now that he can’t write anything. Pulling up one of the other nearby stools, Robin takes a seat before speaking again. “Babe, I’m here because I’m worried. You’ve spent five, almost six whole days cooped up in this garage like a caged bird. You need to rest, before you end up with Ether Deficiency again.” All Shulk did was roll his eyes, as he took a bite of his pancakes and a sip of coffee. “I’m not asking you to stop working, Shulk. I know this is important, but it’ll be here tomorrow. You’re not paying any attention to your health, and neither you nor Dunban will benefit if you’re stuck in the hospital for a week. All I ask is that, even just for today, you stop working, relax, and get a good night’s sleep.” Shulk swallowed the pancake before untensing his shoulders for a second. “I know you’re doing this because you love me Ro, and I love you too, more than even what I’m doing now, but-” “No buts Shulk.” “I-” Robin pressed a finger to his lover’s lips. “Just. Let me tell you a story, Shulk. Back in Ylisse, I have a friend named Gregor. He’s Feroxi. A bit older than everyone else, but with his age comes wisdom. There were a couple times where me and him got to chatting after battle, and he noticed I hadn’t been feeling well. The first time was hardly anything important, I was just getting a small cold. The second time though…” He paused as he reached for Shulk’s hand. “I almost died, the second time he noticed.” Shulk’s eyes softened for a second, lips parted as if he wanted to say something. “I didn’t think anything of it when it happened. I just got bit by a millipede was all. If Gregor hadn’t noticed I was getting delusional and rushed me off to a healer, the poison would have gotten me.” Robin squeezed Shulk’s hand a bit. “I’m terrible at looking after myself, and that’s just the worst example of it. I know how it feels to want to get something super important done, but if you’re neglecting your own health, you’ll end up in worse shape than those you tried to help.” “Robin, I… I didn’t know…” Shulk mumbles, as he looks at the floor. “I’m only asking this because I’ve been in your place, so concerned with everyone else and my own research that my health got swept under the rug.” He closed in for a hug. “So please Shulk, I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself like this. Just rest for today, that’s all I ask.” Shulk slowly returned the hug and squeezed a bit, to reassure Robin he was going to listen this time. Quietly, he says he’ll finish his breakfast, and then meet him inside.

[ddaengtae]

Time Bomb - Lip Gallagher Imagine

Word Count: 3169

Warnings: Swearing, mention of someone’s drug addiction

Letting out a content sigh, you leaned back on your bed and kicked your legs up to rest your feet in your best friend’s lap.  Lip Gallagher.  The two of you had been best friends for as long as you could remember. You were initially drawn to each other due to your mutual natural intelligence in school.  From there, your relationship only grew stronger.  You quickly discovered that you lived in the same neighborhood.  You both had tough living situations with your parents. The two of you were a match made in heaven—literally.  You had even fooled around with the whole friends with benefits thing more than once, but something seemed to always get in the way right before the relationship transformed into something more.  The timing was never on your side.

“I finally decided to put a deposit down on Chicago Polytechnic,” you said, folding your hands together over your stomach.  “Not my top choice, but I figured it wouldn’t be as expensive as the other schools and it’s close by in case I ever need to help out at home.”

“That’s great, Y/N,” Lip commented, his lips forming what appeared to be a forced smile as he looked down, scrolling through his phone.

Raising a questioning eyebrow, you propped yourself up on your elbows.  “Have you picked a school yet?  The deadline is in a few days, you know.”

A sigh escaped Lip’s mouth as he as he dropped his phone to the bed.  “I already told you, Y/N.  I’m not going to college.”

Shaking your head, you moved your legs off of his lap and sat up straight.  “Yeah, I know you said that.  But I didn’t think you were actually being serious.”

It was clear by the look on Lip’s face that he was beginning to get irritated.  “Why the fuck would I joke about that?  There’s too much going on here for me to run off and go to college.”

“Lip, the world isn’t going to stop spinning if you go to college.  It’s what Fiona wants for you.  It’s what everyone wants for you,” you argued, standing up and beginning to pace back and forth.  “You’re fucking brilliant.  You deserve to do more than just be stuck here for the rest of your life.  What are you gonna do here once school is done? You can’t just run the van with Kev every so often and make a living.”

That was when he began to snap.  Standing up in front of you, his angry eyes glared into yours. “Last time I checked, you’re not my fucking mom,” he spat, his hands clenching into fists.  “I already have one piece of shit mom.  I don’t need another.”

He didn’t scare you.  You had seen him livid before plenty of times in the past.  His arrogance was bothering you just as much as your persistence was angering him.  “Well, considering the fact you can’t make a logical fucking decision for yourself, I’m pretty sure you do need someone looking out for you,” you disputed, taking a step closer to him.  “I get it.  Things have been tough for you here lately.  So don’t you think it’d be smart to step away from it all while you can?”

“What the fuck are you trying to say?” he yelled, his face glowing red in anger.  “Are you trying to say I can’t control myself here?”

Sucking in a deep breath, you nodded your head. “Maybe that is what I’m trying to say,” you began, your eyes never leaving his.  “I mean, ever since things went to shit with Karen a while ago, you’ve been drinking more than ever.  Hell, you’ve got a beer with you right now.  You’re not your same old carefree self anymore.  I’m just worried about you.”

Despite the fact that you were making it evident that you cared, Lip only got angrier.  His teeth clenched together.  “Are you trying to say I’m turning into my dad?  Because I’m not my dad, Y/N.  I’m not my fucking dad.”

“Lip, I’m not saying you’re like your dad,” you responded with a sigh, taking a step back from him.  “I’m just saying that I don’t want you to turn into your dad.”

“Just because I’m choosing to stay here doesn’t mean I’m going to turn into my fucking dad,” he retorted, his voice becoming colder with each word.  “And you’re going to college, so what?  Just because you’re going to college doesn’t mean you’re not going to end up like your mom.”

Your whole body froze in place.  You couldn’t believe those words had come out of his mouth. Your mom had been your best friend. She was a caring mother to you— or at the very least she attempted to be—up until her death.  When you were about twelve, she lost her job at the same time her relationship with your father started to go sour.  Never being able to find any satisfaction in her life again, she fell deep into a world of drug addiction.  One morning when you were fifteen, you woke up to a loud bang and noticed water flooding the hallway when you stepped out of your room.  When you finally managed to pry open the bathroom door, you had found your mom dead in the shower.  She had overdosed and collapsed.  The worst part about the current situation was that Lip had been with you through your grieving period and had even attended the funeral with you.

“Get the fuck out,” you demanded, your voice barely a whisper.  Your eyes started to well up with tears.

That was all it took for all of the anger to drain from Lip’s face and for him to realize what he had said.  Anxiously running his hands through his hair, he took a step toward you, his hand now extending toward you to touch your cheek.  “Fuck, Y/N.  I didn’t mean that.  I’m so—“

“Get the fuck out!” you screamed, your voice breaking more than once in the single sentence. You couldn’t stand to look at him. Ripping his hand off of your cheek, you pressed the palms of your hands against his chest and shoved him toward the door of your bedroom with all of your force, causing him to stumble backwards. The tears were readily streaming down your cheeks now.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry…” he whispered, his sorrowful eyes trying to meet your own, but you refused to look at him.  “I just… I… Fuck.”

Shaking your head, you gave him one last push and slammed the door after him.  You hadn’t even allowed him to retrieve his stuff before forcing him out of the room. The sobs were now freely escaping your mouth, shaking your whole body as you approached your bed.  You yanked his backpack off of your bed, slamming it against the floor.  Scanning your surroundings through blurry eyes, they fixed on the empty beer bottle he had left on your desk.  Storming toward it, you gripped your fingers around it and hauled it against the wall, watching as it shattered into a million little pieces on the floor.

There were very few subjects that could destroy you just at the mere mention of them.  Your mom was one of them.  She was top of that list.  And Lip knew that.  

Ignoring the few shards of glass that managed to prick into the bottoms of your feet, you collapsed down onto your bed. Rolling onto your side, your eyes set on your closed bedroom door.  You noticed a slight silhouette through the crack on the bottom of the door.  A loud sigh escaped your lips.  Lip was still there, sitting against your closed door. This was further proven when you heard a sniffle from the other side of the door.

Laying back, you pulled the blankets from your bed over your head, closing your swollen eyes.  You didn’t want to think.  You didn’t want to talk.  You just needed to disappear for a while.  “Just leave,” you muttered, pulling your knees into your chest and curling up into a ball.

When the sun began to set after what seemed like hours, you finally heard Lip let out a defeated sigh and situate himself on the other side of the door.  There was a slight thud against the door, which you assumed was either one of his palms or his forehead.  “I’m so sorry.  Just… Just call me or something eventually… please?”  

With that, you finally heard the sound of his footsteps walking away and descending down the staircase.  Eventually, your heavy eyes closed and you were able to drift off into an unpleasant night of sleep, his words and images of the past engraved in your mind.

–

You didn’t call him.  In fact, you avoided him at all costs.  At school, you averted your eyes away from him during the classes you had together.  When the bell would ring, you would slip out of the classroom before he could catch up to you.  Since the two of you typically walked home together, you instead resorted to taking a longer route.  Graduation came and went within the next week and you still managed to keep your distance.  You didn’t want to talk to him.  You didn’t know what to say to him.  Despite your anger towards him, it still felt like a part of you was missing due to the fact that he had previously consumed such a large portion of your time.

Your eyes flickered away from the TV as you heard a knock on the front door.  Your dad had told you he was expecting a package and to sign for it, so you assumed it would be that.  Forcing yourself off of the couch, you dragged your feet toward the door, tugging it open.

All emotion fell from your face when your eyes fell upon the unexpected.  Lip. Clearing your throat, you stepped aside. “The stuff you left here is next to the couch,” you said coldly, turning your back to him and walking back toward where you had been seated before.

“Y/N, I’m not here for my stuff.  I don’t give a fuck about my stuff.” He followed you into the living room, standing over the couch you were now sitting on.  “You’ve been avoiding me and it’s literally eating me alive.”

Resting your feet up on the table in front of you, you glued your eyes to the TV.  “What did you expect me to do?”

“I’m sorry.  I’m so fucking sorry, okay?  I realized the moment the words left my mouth that I fucked up.  And you were right about me.  I could be turning into Frank.  What I said was something Frank would say.  And I really don’t want to be like him.” He was now standing in front of the TV, blocking your view.  “The comparison I made was so uncalled for.  Your mom was always a caring person, regardless of what happened to her.  And you could never fall down that path. You’re so smart and you’re going to be so successful and you always surround yourself with people who make you happy and… Fuck.  I’m just sorry.”

Still, you forced the expression on your face to remain emotionless.  Even though he was blocking the TV, your eyes didn’t meet his.  “You’re right,” you began, crossing your legs.  “It was a Frank thing to say.”

The response you gave clearly did not satisfy Lip. He anxiously ran his hands over his face, beginning to pace back and forth.  “So that’s it?  I fuck up once… And yes, I do admit it was a huge fuck up… and you’re just going to throw away all of these years of friendship and everything we’ve ever had?” His voice broke off at the end. This caused your eyes to flicker to his face for a moment.  As he stared up at the ceiling, it was clear that there were tears welling up in his eyes. “Fuck.”

Crossing your arms over your chest, you began to chew on your lower lip.  You could feel your emotions starting to kick in, but you didn’t want to break just yet. “So that’s it?” you started, mocking him in a way.  “You’re just going to throw away your potential in life after achieving great things all of these years?”

Wiping his eyes, Lip reached down and grabbed the TV remote off of the couch, turning it off.  “If you had answered my calls or let me talk to you at school, you would’ve known that I managed to scrape up the money to put a deposit down on Chicago Polytechnic too,” he responded, kneeling down on the ground in front of you so you were forced to look him in the eye.  “You were right.  I can’t stay here.  I’d eventually lose my mind if I stopped using it to its full potential.  You were right, okay?”

A single tear slid down your cheek as you looked down at your lap.  He had profusely apologized and had even followed your advice.  He really did care about you.  Wiping your cheek, your eyes met his and you forced a half smile. “I’m happy for you.”

Putting each of his hands on the couch surrounding where you were sitting, he shook his head.  “I don’t want to hear that.  I want to hear that you don’t hate me.” His eyes scanned your face up and down.  “I want to hear that I can have you back in my life again before I go insane.”

Letting out a sigh, you held both of your arms out wide, signaling to him to hug you.  Immediately, he leaned in closer and engulfed you in his muscular arms, squeezing you tightly.  You hugged him back, burying your face in his chest and gripping the back of his shirt. “I could never hate you.”

Lip’s body collapsed on top of yours on the couch as he embraced you, causing you to let out a laugh – the first time you’d laughed in a while.  Despite your laughter, Lip’s face was serious when he finally pulled back to look at you. “You should’ve hated me.  I was a dick and I don’t deserve you.”

Resting your head back on the couch, you shook your head at him.  “Don’t say that.  It’s impossible for me to stay away from you for too long,” you said, smiling at him slightly as you played with his hair.  “I love you too much.”

“You shouldn’t,” he mumbled, lifting some of his weight off of you as he removed his arms from your waist and propped himself up on his elbows over you.  His bright blue eyes stared down into yours, the look on his face suddenly changing. A mesmerized look took over his eyes as he lifted one of his arms off of the couch, resting his hand on your cheek.

Biting your lip, a nervous laugh escaped your lips in response to his actions.  “Don’t say that,” you repeated, shaking your head.  “You could just say you love me too.”

It was almost like he didn’t even hear your words. The captivated look on his face remained unfazed.  Before you could question it, he leaned down further and closed the gap between the two of you, his lips smashing into yours.  

After freezing up for a moment, you allowed your body to melt into his, your arms wrapping around his neck and tangling into his hair.  You could feel your heart pounding through your chest. This was far from the first time this had happened.  You and Lip had crossed far over the line of friendship into something more many times in the past.  However, each time either of you began to get afraid of catching feelings, you would hold back from hooking up for a while until you couldn’t resist each other again. Somehow you always ended up coming back to each other.

When you were finally able to assess the context of the current situation, your body froze up again.  Pulling your lips away from his, you furrowed your brow and gave his chest a slight shove.  “Wait, are you seriously trying to hook up with me right now after I just forgave you?”

Pursing his lips together, Lip climbed off of you and sat up on the couch.  His eyes wouldn’t meet yours.  “It’s not like that.”

The irritation that you had finally let go of began to resurface again.  Standing up from the couch, you crossed your arms over your chest.  “It’s not like what, Lip?”

“Hooking up.  It’s not like that to me.”

Taking a few steps back, you held your hands up in defense.  “So just because we’re friends, you don’t qualify it as hooking up?  I’m not understanding.”

Letting out a long sigh, Lip stood up and finally allowed his eyes to meet yours.  “Haven’t you ever considered how weird it is that we always have trouble acting like ‘just friends’ for extended periods of time?  So we always end up breaking the rules.  And just when we start breaking the rules a little too much, we stop.  We stop because ‘the timing isn’t right’ or whatever bullshit excuse we convince ourselves,” he explained, slowly taking a step toward you.  “And since I’ve had a lot of time to think it over while you were avoiding me, I decided that I’m sick of that.”

This was the most you had ever seen Lip let his guard down.  He usually worked tirelessly to maintain his detached, carefree demeanor.  But not now.

Your legs suddenly felt weak as you stood in front of the boy that had been your best friend for so long.  You knew he was right.  You knew that the two of you had worked so hard to repress all other feelings for each other, but he was right.  It was impossible.  Biting your lip, you shyly looked off to the side, too flustered to maintain eye contact. “So when is the timing going to be right?”

Taking the remaining steps to reach you, Lip’s hands gripped your hips.  “I can’t wait any fucking longer,” he whispered, his warm breath teasing yours lips as he pressed his forehead against yours.  “So it’s going to be right now.”

Without another word, his body pushed your back against the wall, his lips cravingly finding yours again.  

For the first time, you didn’t need to begin brainstorming how you would eventually play off what had happened between the two of you.  You didn’t have to constantly remind yourself that you were just friends.  You didn’t have to pretend it all meant nothing to you. Because it always had meant something more.  It always had your heart racing.  It always had you wondering when things would truly change between the two of you.  And it had always had you questioning when the timing would be right.

Finally, the clock stopped ticking.

———-

This took way longer than it should’ve but it’s after 3am so I’m off to bed.  Thanks so much for your feedback on my other posts and as always, let me know what you think. xx

[animegummybears]

School

The only notable achievements that I have ever gotten have come from academics. My whole life, I was the "smart" kid. I'm not attractive, outgoing, friendly, humorous, disruptive, or fun. I'm intelligent, helpful, well-behaved, quiet, persistent, and mature. That's what I am and have always been known for. I've never made a significant impact on anyone's life. I've never attempted to break out of the box I was placed in as a child. I've never known anything other than how to completely bullshit an essay about a book that I've never opened. School was the only thing I was remotely decent at. I was told from the very beginning that it was the only thing that really mattered. I always placed it above my sleep, my social life, and my mental health. It was my number one priority, and the only thing I ever bothered to improve in. It never mattered how much pain I went through as long as it resulted in a GPA over a 4.0. I disregarded my deteriorating social, physical, and mental stability. It was a small price to pay to make sure I satisfy the nearly impossible expectations set on me. Maybe that's why I did all of this to myself. I just continuously crave other people's approval. Unfortunately for me, there came a point when I couldn't go on doing the same thing over and over again. The years of building up my academic status has taken a toll on me that feels like it's beyond repair. My grades started to slip. I didn't get recognized by the school anymore. Something like that shouldn't be a big deal, but it destroys me. The only thing that I've ever dedicated myself to was crumbling to pieces right in front of me. And rather than checking to see if something is wrong, I just get yelled at for not meeting the bar I apparently set for myself. Now I've left my entire worth to be determined by what's on my report card. I skipped out on going to my best friend's house for the sake of doing well on tomorrow's exam. I declined my friends' phone calls because I wanted to finish work and get to bed before one in the morning. I didn't eat or sit with my friends during lunch because I needed to finish last night's essay that's due next period. I take a nap during the one free part of the school day to make up for the three hours of sleep I got the night before. I got myself hooked onto an energy drink that triggers my anxiety because I need to focus on my five hours of lessons today. Despite me doing all of this, I'm still a disappointment. I have twice the amount of B's that I got last year. I forgot to turn in a few important assignments. I haven't even started on the presentation that could make or break my economics grade and it's due tomorrow. Well what's the point of making an effort anymore if it results in nothing significant? That's it. I'm done. I'm exhausted. I've done all of this work and made so many sacrifices, and where has it gotten me? No where. What has it gotten me? Nothing. But now that that's a failure for me, what do I do now? Who am I without the straight A's that have been used to define me since I was in the first grade? No one... I'm not "smart" anymore. But to be fair, I never was. I'm just some kid who used to know how to get an A.

[focusontheeasternlightning-blog]

How to Solve Condition of Getting Tired When You Read God’s Word?

By Yi’er

Dear mom,

How have you been lately? You and my sister asked me to investigate Almighty God’s work in the last days, but I didn’t bother. Now I have some good news to tell you, I have accepted Almighty God’s last days’ work. 

Through reading His words, I am completely sure that Almighty God is the returned Lord Jesus. Today I have learnt a hymn: “It’s Such a Joy to Be an Honest Person”: “Understanding the truth frees one’s spirit and makes one happy. I am filled with confidence in God’s word and harbor no doubts. I am without negativity, I do not retreat, and never despair. I uphold my duty with all my heart and mind, and I have no concerns for the flesh. …” I find it really good to follow in the footsteps of God. I can be supplied by God’s words every day and feel released in my spirit, just as the hymn mentions. However, after accepting Almighty God’s work, I also had a rough time. Mom, I would like to tell you about it.

After accepting Almighty God’s work in the last days, I desired greatly to read more of His words. But when I first opened the book of God’s words and began to read, I somehow felt drowsy and muddled and my eyelids started drooping. At first, I thought it was because I hadn’t slept well, so I decided to sleep first, thinking: “I’ll read God’s words after having a good rest.” However, I couldn’t fall asleep when I lay on my bed, and so I began to read the news on my cell phone. Immediately, my mind became clear, and I didn’t feel sleepy at all. Therefore, I began to read God’s words again. However, I soon felt sleepy again after reading a few lines. My eyelids couldn’t stay open and I felt I had no vitality at all. I couldn’t figure out why I felt sleepy as soon as I began to read the book of God’s words, or why I was quite alert when watching entertainment programs or playing games. So I put the book aside and didn’t try to read it anymore. A few days later, my heart felt empty, as if something was missing. But at that time, I didn’t pay much attention to this. I thought: “I know Almighty God is the true God, and I won’t leave His way; attending meetings on time is enough for me.” Afterward, when I had meetings with the brothers and sisters, I saw that every one of them could talk about some knowledge and experiences of God’s words, but I could only listen. The brother who performed the duty of watering asked me: “Sister, how have you been doing recently? Which God’s words have you read? Please share with us.”

Mom, do you know how embarrassed and guilty I felt when the brother asked me that? At that moment I thought: “I’m done for. I haven’t read God’s words in the past few days. What can I fellowship?” However, I was afraid that if I spoke about the true situation, I would feel ashamed in front of the brothers and sisters, so I lied to them: “I’m fine. It’s just that I didn’t have too much time to read God’s words recently.” After saying that, I felt uneasy and felt a sense of guilt in my heart: I clearly hadn’t read God’s words at all. Wasn’t I lying through my teeth, cheating other people and cheating God? At that moment, I secretly resolved that I would read God’s words properly after getting home.

After I arrived home I hurried to take out the book of God’s words, which was in the corner, and began to read. But, just as I sat down and began to read a few lines, the telephone rang, and then later someone came to visit me, and then I also thought of something I hadn’t finished yet. Later, I told myself not to get distracted, but I still couldn’t calm down enough to read. My eyes stared at the words, but my mind went blank, or I got confused. But I still persisted in reading. After reading some pages, I found I couldn’t understand what the words were saying. When I continued reading, I forgot the content of previous pages I’d read, and even forgot the topic. So I read those passages again, but the result was the same. I was obviously in no mood to read the book.

Later, when chatting with my sister, I told her about my situation. She said, “That’s a disturbance from Satan. It knows that after we read God’s words, we’ll understand the truth, reject Satan and return to God. Therefore, it doesn’t want us to read God’s words. But if we don’t read God’s words when coming across Satan’s interference, then we’ll fall victim to its tricks. If we believe in God but don’t read His words, our lives won’t grow, and it’ll also affect our understanding of God. Just as if we only have snacks but don’t have meals, then we’ll lack nutrition, and gradually we’ll have no strength and our health will break down.” Then my sister asked me whether I prayed to God before reading His words, and I said I didn’t. She said: “No wonder! You don’t pray to God, so it’s easy for Satan to disturb you and make you unable to calm down. So, when you read God’s words, you can’t achieve good results. In addition, if you don’t pray to God and rely on God, how can you overcome Satan’s disturbances and attacks? Therefore, we should pray before reading God’s words and beg Him to quiet our heart, enlighten us and lead us. This way, we can read His words carefully.” She also read a paragraph of God’s words for me, “God works, God cares for a person, looks upon a person, and Satan dogs His every step. Whoever God favors, Satan also watches, trailing along behind. … Satan is at war with God, trailing along behind Him. Its objective is to demolish all the work God wants to do, to possess and control those whom God wants, to completely extinguish those whom God wants. If they are not extinguished, then they come to Satan’s possession to be used by it—this is its objective.” After listening to God’s words, I understood why something unexpected always happened every time I wanted to read God’s words. It turned out that it was Satan who created the disturbance to destroy my normal relationship with God. Satan was unwilling to let me read God’s words uninterrupted, and it intended to prevent me from developing a proper spiritual life so that I would stray away from God. No wonder I would feel sleepy or something would happen as soon as I read God’s words. This was the root of the problem. I saw that Satan is really heinous, and I must see through its crafty schemes. Following that, I first prayed to God before reading every passage of God’s words, asking Him to keep my heart quiet before Him so that I could be free of Satan’s disturbances. I then found that my situation was indeed far better than before, that I didn’t feel sleepy when reading God’s words, and that I could be quiet before God. Moreover, I also felt the enlightenment and illumination of the Holy Spirit when I read God’s words.

Later on during a gathering, I opened up to fellowship my experience of being disturbed by Satan with the brothers and sisters, and one of the brothers fellowshiped this with me: “All the brothers and sisters who come before God have gone through Satan’s interference. Some suffered ailments; some were harassed by their family members; some were harassed by pastors and elders of their churches; and some had things go wrong with their families. All these circumstances we encountered are the battles of the spiritual world. …” Then he read a passage of God’s words for me, “In every step of work that God does within people, externally it appears to be interactions between people, as if born of human arrangements, or from human interference. But behind the scenes, every step of work, and everything that happens, is a wager made by Satan before God, and requires people to stand firm in their testimony to God. Take when Job was tried, for example: Behind the scenes, Satan was making a bet with God, and what happened to Job was the deeds of men, and the interference of men. Behind every step that God does in you is Satan’s wager with God—behind it all is a battle. … When God and Satan do battle in the spiritual realm, how should you satisfy God, and how should you stand firm in your testimony to Him? You should know that everything that happens to you is a great trial and the time when God needs you to bear testimony.”

He also fellowshiped this with me, “It is allowed by God that we encounter all sorts of disturbances and testing from Satan. Behind the scenes, Satan is making a wager with God, which is when God needs us to bear testimony to Him. It’s like the trial that befell Job in the Bible: His assets disappeared overnight, calamities befell his children, and he even had painful sores all over his body. In our eyes, some of these calamities were the actions of robbers and some were natural disasters, but behind the scenes it was Satan’s probing as well as God’s trials that came upon him. Satan, by means of this, intended to undermine Job’s faith and make him deny and betray God. However, God knew Job was a person who feared Him, so He permitted Satan to test him, to perfect his faith in this way. At the same time, God let Job bear resounding testimony for Him. Finally, Job, by maintaining his devotion to God, defeated Satan. Due to his faith in God and testimony for God, he received God’s tremendous blessings in the end. Now, God’s six-thousand-year management plan for the salvation of mankind is drawing to an end. Almighty God’s work in the last days is to perfect a group of overcomers, who are perfected after having been subjected to Satan’s disruptions and attacks. Therefore, God allows Satan to test us, so as to perfect our faith. Consequently, no matter what kind of environment we encounter in the future, we should have confidence to pray to God and rely on God, seek the truth to see through Satan’s tricks, and bear testimony to God. If we can stand witness to God like Job, we’ll be eligible to receive His blessings and promises.”

Mom, after reading God’s words and listening to the brother’s fellowshiping, I am now able to discern some tricks of Satan, and I have the confidence to experience God’s work. Mom, you needn’t worry about me anymore, and I’ll strive to seek after the truth. Now, I read God’s words every day and I think reading His word is beneficial for me to understand the truth and mature in life. In the future, I’ll read more of God’s words and strive to understand more truths. I have also been performing my duty of preaching the gospel in the church. I’ll cherish this duty and fulfill it well to satisfy God!

Your daughter,

Yi’er

[operationrainfall]

Title EarthNight Developer Cleaversoft Publisher Cleaversoft Release Date December 3rd, 2019 Genre Rogue, Platformer Platform Mobile, PC, PS4, Nintendo Switch Age Rating E for Everyone – Fantasy Violence Official Website

As one of oprainfall’s biggest indie fans and promoters, I really wanted to like EarthNight more. After all, it’s stylish, it’s innovative, and it has rogue elements. Which are all usually things that make me love a game. And while I wouldn’t say I hated EarthNight by any stretch, there’s aspects of it that really prevented me from getting more invested in the game. Developed by Cleaversoft, a small indie team that has devoted many years to the development, it’s a mix of endless runner and rogue, with lots of platforming, dragon slaying and loot harvesting. EarthNight takes place in a post apocalyptic world where space dragons have overrun the earth and your job is to skydive through hordes of them, make it back to terra firma, and clear out the dragonic infestation. The question is, will you have the patience to achieve that goal?

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The premise of the game is simple enough. You dive from your shuttle through various cloud layers, trying to reach earth. Every level takes place on the back of a dragon, and your job is to run from tail to head, and then stab the hell out of the dragon noggin. Destroying the head successfully (basically before time runs out) rewards you with special parts that net you currency when you return to your home ship, which happens each time you perish. It’s not quite that simple, since each dragon appears to be a veritable ecosystem of symbiotic organisms that all want you dead. Some ride astride the dragon’s back, others float, some are free flying and much more besides. You have a couple of ways of dealing with these varmints. Either you can bounce off their head, or you can dash into them. The tricky part is that sometimes you hurt yourself if you don’t hit them just right, and that in large part seems to be due to the enemy hitboxes. There’s also another element that frankly still has me utterly baffled. Some enemies are Light enemies, and others are Dark. You can’t really distinguish between them most of the time, though the game indicates you need special items to harm them. But when I unlocked those items, they felt superfluous. That was because apparently you don’t need them active to harm these foes, at least most of the time, which kind of defeated the purpose. This sort of confusion was a large part of why I didn’t love EarthNight, and it also brings us to the next section – the upgrades.

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In EarthNight’s post apocalyptic world, the currency that matters is water. Which makes sense, since the entire human race has become space nomads. So when you collect mountains of loot on dragon’s backs, you trade it in at the Scrap Market, and get rewarded with agua. Later in the game you actually can use it to unlock things, but to start, all your upgrades are locked behind items that can only be acquired by killing space dragons. That’s not too hard initially, since most of them can be defeated with a few stabs of your weapon of choice (one character uses her spiritual dragon and the other has a sword). The key is waiting til the opportune time to strike, indicated visually, and then laying waste. It’s a bit of a mini rhythm game. The only challenge in these sections is that some dragons are more durable than others, and some will try and shake you off. The entire time, there’s a timer counting down, and once it’s out of sand, you are out of luck, and get tossed aside. Thankfully, given the fact you’ll have a chance to beat each type of dragon again every run, it’s not a huge deal. The problem is that once you start getting dragon bits and unlocking upgrades, they weren’t what I expected. I was hoping that they would be permanent passive boosts or new active abilities. Instead, you get powerups that provide a temporary benefit. You’ll see empty silhouettes on stages, and when the corresponding upgrade is acquired, an item will show up instead. Some examples are double jump boots and the aforementioned Dark enemy powerup, the Light Loaf.

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The problem with these is twofold. First, the game is annoyingly cute and doesn’t directly tell you what they do. Instead, the Scrap Market merchant gives fanciful descriptions which would have made Rumplestiltskin smile with twisted glee. I’m all for flowery and fancy language, but I also demand to know what anything does in games I play. I’m fine losing because of my own failings, but not because the game didn’t explain things properly. The other issue is, these upgrades are strewn haphazardly throughout each stage, and often in large clumps. It’s very easy to miss the right one, such as the item that allows you to control a raging beast, or to touch an item and not be aware til much later. More than once, I’d find myself with a spherical shield I didn’t remember getting, or turned suddenly gigantic. While this is all novel, I really feel EarthNight would have been so much better with permanent upgrades. Hell, the game even jokes about the upgrade system itself, with the unintended effect of perfectly capturing what I disliked so much about the experience.

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Now, none of my upgrade misery would matter if the game controlled well, but alas, this part was a mixed bag. You can control one of two characters, either Sydney, a young black woman with supernatural powers, or Stanley, a bald, sword wielding man with a massive beard. I played Sydney first, which turned out to be the right decision. She’s the more mobile of the characters, able to double jump, dash and generally bounce around. Stanley, by contrast, has no inherent double jump, and instead trades it for a long jump and a sword that possibly does more damage to space dragons. I couldn’t confirm that, cause after playing as Stanley once, I never wanted to play as him again. Thankfully, Sydney is much more mobile, and every time she bounces off an enemy, her movement reset, meaning she can double jump or dash again. This allows her a much broader range of movement, and it is doubly rewarding since it lends itself well to another gameplay element – recovering health.

You’d think that in a game with tons of items everywhere, some would heal you, but that’s not the case. Instead, the only way you can heal is by jumping off 5+ enemies in a row, without touching flat ground in between. Sydney is pretty good at this, and there were times I was bouncing and bouncing, essentially invincible. The tricky part is, each stage is huge and multi-tiered, and you never know exactly when an enemy is gonna appear. I would have given my right arm for some sort of mini-map or radar. This is exacerbated when you’re falling from a great height, and have no idea what’s below you. It’s also made more problematic by the fact that the speed of the game is inconsistent at best. You’re able to either speed up or slow down manually, both while running and when in mid-air, but I found this did little to help me. The game moves in fits and starts, like Sonic the Hedgehog on crystal meth. When it flows smoothly, it’s a dream, but the vast majority of my time was spent careening through the air like a comet and praying I landed on an enemy.

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Now, despite the speed problems I encountered in the Switch version of EarthNight, I acknowledge that issue might be a console one-off. And to be fair, there’s a lot about the game design that I liked in theory. It’s cool running on the backs of dragons, getting random powerups and getting closer and closer to reaching Earth. The enemies are varied and the strange worlds which erupt from these dragons’ backs are imaginative and full of life. There’s giant purple meteors with faces that gulp you up and spit you out, floating ruins you can hide in and a vast diversity of space dragons to encounter. That’s all great. I just wish most of the game didn’t feel quite so random. Yes, I know it’s rogue, but that genre only works when you can make some sense of your environment and concoct strategies to take advantage of it. In a game where you’re always running forward through procedurally generated gauntlets, it’s much harder to make use of those rogue tools.

Also, while I do like fighting the dragons, at a certain point they get way too durable. There’s one creature called a Crystal Dragon, and besides having particularly powerful creatures and traps strewn across his back, he’s also almost impossible to slay. Now, EarthNight does have a feature where collecting 3 dragon eggs in each level will weaken the dragon itself, but I went against the Crystal Dragon with 2 out of 3 eggs, and still couldn’t beat it in time. This brings me back to my complaint about the upgrades. If there was a persistent upgrade that made me more powerful while attacking dragons, this wouldn’t have bothered me nearly as much. But instead, the game forces you to try and get 3 randomly placed eggs each time, and if you don’t, you’re out of luck. Unfortunately, all the dragons I faced after the Chemosphere’s Crystal Dragon were equally hard, and that goes double for the final one you face on Earth itself. Unlike the others, he’s not content to wait for you to kill him, and instead viciously attacks you the entire stage. Suffice to say, I wasn’t able to beat this wolf-like dragon, and he made pretty short work of me.

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Now, if you don’t mind the grindy and repetitive nature of EarthNight, you might find more to enjoy than I did. But when I was about 5 hours in, and just didn’t feel like I was making sufficient progress, I started to get really frustrated. This was made worse by all the other problems I mentioned earlier, as well as the following. There is one particular enemy I utterly hated, a yellow bird that flies around and randomly dive bombs you. This winged bastard frequently threw me off, and constantly messed up my combos. I also really wish that the game was a bit more diverse in terms of level design. Most of them feel very samey, and once you’ve seen one type of dragon, you’ve seen pretty much all of them. Each cloud layer’s space dragons are pretty similar, and though they get harder the farther you fall, they don’t vary all that much. They just get meaner, and start throwing more annoying enemies and traps at you, such as one creature that spits laser beams in your face. And though I am not docking any points for this, the plot of the game also disappointed me. The premise was cool in the introduction, and then it goes absolutely nowhere. There’s no development for Sydney or Stanley, and that made it harder to feel immersed in this world. Though it’s very possible the narrative gets fleshed out after beating the final stage, I didn’t have enough patience to find out.

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It might seem like I disliked more than I enjoyed in EarthNight, but there is one area I feel it excelled – the design. I was initially drawn to demo the game cause of the art of Mattahan, which reminds me of a mix of Ren & Stimpy and Toejam & Earl, but with more fantasy flavor. Everything in the game is bursting with personality, from Sydney and Stanley to the menagerie of beasts living on dragons to the space dragons themselves. The music, by Chipocrite, is also fantastic. It’s charming, weird and never wears out its welcome. I also liked how some levels had different tunes, but none that made me forget the main theme. If I were just grading EarthNight on visuals and sound, it would easily have gotten a perfect score.

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My biggest complaint with EarthNight is that the game was constantly tripping over its own ideas, even the good ones. For $14.99, it’s not an expensive game, but I still find it hard to recommend. If you like rogue and don’t mind a very grindy, often confusing experience, you might wanna pick it up. For everybody else, at least wait til some patches have smoothed out the rough edges in the Switch version. Despite all that, I was impressed by Cleaversoft’s creativity in EarthNight, and hope it is put to better use in their next adventure.

[easyreview cat1title=”Overall” cat1detail=”” cat1rating=”2.5″]

Review Copy Provided by Publisher

REVIEW: EarthNight Title EarthNight

[yahoocansuckmyass]

**disclaimer: if you know me in real life, if you have anything to say, just message me on Facebook or whatever, I’m not in danger of myself, just venting about everything in my life at the moment**

only posting bc there’s really no where else for me to vent about anything

i feel so empty, especially the last few days everything feels so bleak and im unable to generate any emotion other than indifference and sadness. i know it will pass and im trying to take care of myself. going to yoga, eating well and shit like that but i don’t have any motivation. jus feels like im outside of my actual body, watching myself do these things without any feeling of accomplishment or enjoyment after.

and my friends feel so far away, maybe im dissociating? i don’t feel like i can open up to anyone without a shitty response from them. best friend has always come to me in times of need but when I come to them it’s like they’re not even listening or really even grasp that im hurting my boyfriend tells me “think about something else” as if i haven’t gone through years of trying that, im not able to change like that my thoughts flip on a dime and when they do I have 2+ other voices yelling at the only part of me trying to help it feels like a minefield. i try to think that im okay and that I can do this but they teller the sound of my breathing is too loud and i get so uncomfortable in my body that i can’t fucking move. it makes me want to tear out my hair and scratch my skin off. (I’ve been self harm free for almost 2 years and these episodes get really hard to handle but at least i haven’t hurt myself other than biting my lip a bit too much on occasion)

and group therapy now costs too much and I can’t even stop by for an hour.

work doesn’t seem to value me either, i have hardly any hours and in turn no money. I’ve hardly eaten anything in the past few days.

it’s so strange being stuck in this place where im taking care of myself and doing the things i need to and still being so detached and unmotivated. it hasn’t been like this in a long time. everything feels off.

not to mention my home life is just me waking up and already being yelled at for something I don’t even know about, it’s like I could open my eyes the wrong way and get scolded for it. she asks me if im okay and I try to say what’s wrong and she reverts back to “but im hurting too” why even bother asking me if you’re going to just talk about yourself

im never being taken seriously. the only time that i think even my group therapy took me seriously is when i sliced up my arm I remember they were talking about a girl and how “brave she was for being able to show her cuts in the open and talk about them to the group” meanwhile when I talked about my cuts but never showed them, I was almost brushed off. I had cuts that I could fit my fucking hand into, and they didn’t. Even. Believe me.

now I know this post is long and jumpy and inconsistent, and I don’t really care if anyone reads it, but if you do, I’m sorry for the jumping around. I haven’t been able to talk about anything to anyone in a long time. at least not really, not without the making it a competition and telling me it could be worse or saying some people have REAL problems as if my brain doesn’t tell me to drive off the road or cut a vein and bleed out or drown myself in the lake out back.

though I don’t harm myself, though I can keep it together and appear so happy and fine, I still think of suicide every day and it hurts to think about all of the people I’d destroy. and as reassurance, no i won’t kill myself. im not going to let my progress end like that, i know I have good things in my life, im just going through a hard time. high functioning mental illness is something else man.

the past few days have left me so out of it especially. they’ve been the worst. Saturday was a decent day up until my mom left to go out for the night. I was left alone with my thoughts, and then those thoughts blurred out into nothing. just alone. no energy. no motivation. no one to talk to. just emptiness. I walked from room to room without a sound, just to lay down and stare at a wall or ceiling for an hour at a time. I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep. just was there. finally i got up and just fucking bawled my eyes out, thoughts of suicide and self harm bombarded me, I felt so fucking depressed it was like a tidal wave was trying to drown any ounce of sanity i had left. some scars I had forgotten about found their way back to the surface of my neck and boy for some reason that fucked me up, i forgot I even cut my neck, it brought back that sharp hot pain and all the sensations that run through your body. it was terrible, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. and finally I reached out to my cousin, though she had plans, she offered to come get me and hang out at my place with her friend and boyfriend and thank fucking god i did, I would’ve been a mess if she hadn’t. im glad I didn’t try to cancel on her either. my boyfriend was supposed to stay over but ended up cancelling that night too. and he was supposed to come over today. slept through us hanging out. people tend to treat my schedule as if it’s something they can erase and write in a later time or date with no consequences. and gaslight me for being upset about it. All I ever ask for is communication, that’s it. Talk to me, I won’t be upset, but if you lie to me, that’s a slap in the face. I don’t understand how I can literally tell you “it’s fine if you don’t want to hang out or talk, but you need to let me know asap so I can adjust my plans” and you still lie to my face or just disregard me completely. I’ve had people tell me 10 minutes before I’m supposed to get them “nah sorry fam” and that’s it. Only to find out they made better plans and are posting about it all over the place.

it’s fucking shitty. everything has been shitty. I can’t afford food or anything for that matter, my friends aren’t really even there, my boyfriends always busy doing whatever he does, my mom doesn’t listen to a damn word I have to say, my work doesn’t feel like home anymore (I used to LOVE going to work and getting to make people feel beautiful and talk about new shit and now it feels like a chore, I’m not treated like a valued employee anymore rather than disposable).

all i can do is continue to exist in this cycle of high function dissociation.

next topic on miahs 5 years of nothing talked about post: self love vs self hatred

as i said before, im actually taking care of myself. I’ve had hip bursitis for years now that has turned me into a borderline cripple with excruciating pain at almost all times of the day, and this is another thing that people don’t take seriously. my mom calls me a hypochondriac and that it’s not that bad, everyone just…dismisses it i guess? regardless, this is a thing that’s impaired me during my daily life and it’s only added on to the various health issues that make it hard to feel healthy and love my body.

I’ve always been critical of myself, specifically my appearance. I’ve made lists of things I hate about myself. I’ve had people contribute to this, but it’s not anyone’s fault that I did the things I did to myself except my own. 3 years ago I graduated high school at my highest weight and met a person who would end up being my inspiration to losing weight the wrong ways. we were both entirely toxic to each other and I ended up using laxatives and throwing up, and not eating and working out excessively to lose 70lbs in less than 6 months. the only problem is that I didn’t see a change in my weight, i felt like I was just as fat, just as disgusting as when I started. it was obsessive for me to lose weight. and everyone congratulated me on the success I’ve had. until cosmetology school where I ended up gaining all of it back due to lack of time for exercise and heavy depression and my hip problems. (also congrats if you’re still reading this, im not entirely sure when ill stop writing) i felt like I failed myself, and every time I tried to adjust my diet I’d just end up not eating and it scared me, I didn’t want to be back to that place. I didn’t want to feel like that again. (Today, I’m actually doing well with my diet and sticking to it in baby steps so I don’t overwhelm myself) granted I still feel guilty every time a crumb of food enters my mouth, I have this weird paranoia that everyone is watching when I eat and that all they think is that I’m fat and of course I’d be eating now. and that’s why I can’t be the only one who eats when I’m with friends, everyone needs to eat so I don’t feel so disgusting I guess?

the few months after I stopped cutting and shit were hard but i was in a pretty good mind set, I think January 2016 was the best I’ve ever been, but as expected it didn’t last. and don’t get me wrong, i cherish the fuck out of the good times I have in my life, I’m not some dick that dismisses all of the good things and just says im a basket case with no hope or friends. I love the people in my life with all of my heart, and I love the good times we have and the good things that happen. but I’ve never been able to discuss and move past all of the bad things. it seems like I’m being told to just push it back farther and farther because they don’t want to have to deal with it right now. and i could be wrong, and for some of those people I am wrong. but again, their responses to whenever I do open up are disheartening, and some don’t mean to come off that way but it persists. which makes me question why do I even bother. see, this a good platform for me to vent because it’s just that, I don’t need anyone to reply and say sorry or tell me I’m wrong, it’s just here and I got it out. that’s all I’ve been trying to do.

I’ve really never wanted any advice, i know what I need to do and what’s right and what’s wrong, its an ongoing battle for me, and I just needed someone to listen. and that never happened, there was always competitive comparisons, always criticism, always gaslighting, always dismissive. And maybe it’s because when I actually try to TALK, I freeze up and can’t say what I need to in the right way. but still! More than half the time I open up, I just get more reasons to shut back down. back to self love and shit (sorry), I’m trying to love myself despite what it sounds like. just because a big part of me only holds dislike for myself, doesn’t mean there isn’t a part that just wants to love. it’s just been years of these expectations and standards forced down my throat to the point where quite honestly, I’m fucking confused I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t

I’m not gonna get into relationships for the soul fact that I could go on for days about them and this is post is way longer than I anticipated already SO. That’ll be another day (probably tonight since I’m to the point of just not giving a fuck and dishing out every emotion I’ve felt in the last 5 years)

and again back to self love, lately, i don’t weigh myself because I know that if I do, I’ll get depressed and obsessive again and I really can’t deal with it now. I hate my stomach first and foremost. that’s literally the main thing that I just want to cut off my fucking body. i half the time can’t even look at myself because I’ll just get stuck in one of those fuck you miah states. and to address something real *quick*, I don’t need the, “well stop complaining and do something about it” BITCH I AM. I am actually doing everything for it!! but my shitty brain doesn’t let me see progress, for all i know I could have lost 30 lbs and still think I look exactly the same (and part of the reason why I chose yoga was because it all stems from your core so it’s always engaged…and it’s hot yoga so I sweat out at least a pound every time I go, and I went every day last week) i dunno why I can never see positive changes, but when I lost all that weight back in 2014, I didn’t even go down a bra size, let alone pant size and that really fucked me up. It was weird having people compliment me and say how good i looked but still felt the same size. I don’t get it, I could see the numbers go down but my eyes never saw a damn change on myself. Imagine losing 100lbs and still being the same pant size. And I did think we’ll maybe it’s because I still hated myself and was losing weight in an u healthy way but even now with me doin all these great things for my body, I see no change at all. I jus wanna be healthy now, not skinny.

^^talking about my body is my least favorite thing to do so if you have anything to say about it please just don’t, I’m jus here to get this shit off my chest.

I think im just about done, currently brainstorming to see if I missed anything or if I want to touch back on certain things. All that’s left I think is relationships?? So maybe I will write a bit about it? ….I wrote about it then deleted all of it because without going into brutal detail there’s no reason for it to be shoved into this.

I’m pretty sure I’m finished, I may or may not ever check back in here to update or whatever. I guess we’ll see.

If you made it to the end, congrats you spent 15 to 25 minutes reading an absolute mess of a post. Hopefully you could keep up with all my jumping around.