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thissortofsorcery · 1 year

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@intothedysphoria has inspired me to write about autistic!harringrove, and my own experiences with autism... Max, this is for you! I hope you like it!

tw for anxiety and sensory overwhelm, but it ends fluffy, I promise.

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It started as a normal day, but it quickly derailed from there.

An asshole at work approached Billy from behind and clapped his hand around the nape of his neck, despite Billy having told him several times he didn’t like that.

Billy didn’t like being touched at all, by most people. And some people had no concept of personal space.

A horrible, painful shiver cut through his spine, icy cold and almost slimy, and Billy held back a shudder. He broke out in goosebumps, and only years and years of practice, of putting on the charm let him pull away from the dickhead graciously, laugh at whatever he said and keep himself together until he could hide away in a bathroom stall.

Billy presses his fingers to his closed eyes hard, seeing stars, and rubs the back of his neck vigorously, trying to replace that cold shiver with something else. Tears spring to his eyes, and he feels so fucking frustrated.

Finding out you’re autistic in your twenties is an experience. A lot of things start making sense, and a lot of things you pushed down and convinced yourself weren’t a problem spring back up like a jack-in-the-box, a hundred times worse.

Like the touch thing. It’s not that Billy doesn’t like being touched. He just doesn’t like being touched by people he doesn’t know, and for no reason.

Like, his physical therapist, when she was helping him regain dexterity in his hands after Starcourt, that was fine.

Some dude in the office touching his neck, even casually, not so much.

Billy takes a deep breath, tries to remember the self-care workbook he and Steve filled out together a couple months ago. Tries to calm down.

Three ways I can distract myself when someone touches me, he’d written, glancing back up at Steve with a smile. Happy they were doing it together.

Loud music + puzzle

Hot drink

Yelling

Steve laughed and shook his head (“it’s very you”) when Billy wrote down the last one, but it really did help.

Billy gives himself a few more moments in the stall before he slinks out, heading to the sinks and splashing cold water on his face. The sensory shock helps a little, the cool, pleasant feeling helping balance the sensation of something crawling under his skin.

He checks if the break room is empty before he goes in, and it thankfully is. He doesn’t want to run into anyone. Doesn’t think he has it in him to mask right now.

Billy makes himself a mug full of scalding hot coffee and hurries back to his office, avoiding eye contact with anyone who throws out a hello. So what if they think he’s angry. Maybe he is pissed.

He manages to spend the rest of the day locked in his office, headphones on, and only comes out when it’s time to go home.

Of course, all he wants is to see Steve, wants his comforting presence, even if they’ve been dating only three months. When he walks through the door of Steve’s house, he sees Steve sitting on the couch, feet up on the coffee table, wearing his ugly vomit green socks with raccoons on them, that he’s had since he was 15 and won’t get rid of.

A wave of relief crashes through him, nearly leaving him dizzy. He breathes deep, catches the smell of his clean house, laundry, and Steve.

“Hey baby,” Steve calls, laying his head on the back of the couch to look at him, making his glasses just a little bit crooked. “Bad day?”

“Does my face look that terrible?” Billy grumbles, taking his shoes off at the entryway before he steps into the living room.

“Your headphones are around your neck,” Steve points to them, a smile ticking up the corner of his mouth.

Oh. Billy forgot to put them away. He doesn’t need them in the car.

He sighs and throws himself down next to Steve, a careful, deliberate distance away.

“I’m just ‘whelmed,” Billy mumbles.

“Overwhelmed?”

“Not anymore. Just whelmed,” He says, sighing again. His body sags, melting against the cushions. He doesn’t feel shivery anymore, but he feels tired, like he’s on the bad end of an all-nighter.

Steve puts his hand on the cushion between them, palm up, not touching Billy.

Billy takes a deep breath, watching Steve’s hand. He knows that hand intimately, knows it to be warm and soft and kind, knows how its skin feels against Billy’s, the friction making the shivers good instead of bad.

He puts a tentative fingertip on Steve’s pointer finger, and all Steve does is press back, smiling gently.

Billy slides his fingers in between Steve’s, laces them together, holds his hand palm to palm, and feels the touch of his skin like they’re buzzing together.

Billy knows he can change his mind, and all Steve’s gonna do is smile, sit on his side of the couch, and continue the conversation.

“How’s that book you were working on going?” Steve asks. He rubs his thumb over the back of Billy’s hand once, and stops. When Billy squeezes his hand, he resumes the movement, sending pleasant tingles up Billy’s arm.

“Good. The writer was receptive to what I said. They sent me a couple reworked chapters today,” Billy says, moving closer to Steve, so their arms press together.

As the conversation goes on, Billy presses closer and closer, at his own pace, and Steve accepts it crumb by crumb.

He doesn’t know what he did to deserve Steve, or how Steve is so patient with him. Steve loves physical contact. Billy does, too, but he’s so particular about it that sometimes he wonders if he’s even worth sticking around for.

Billy ends up lying on top of Steve, chest to chest, nose tucked into his throat, breathing in his warmth and his scent.

“Don’t touch my neck, okay?” He asks, hunching his shoulders a little.

“Yeah, okay,” Steve says, easy as that. “Can I touch your hair?”

“Yeah.”

Steve turns his head and kisses Billy’s head, right on the hairline, pulling a deep, content sigh from him.

“Thanks, Stevie,” Billy says, squeezing his ribs just a little tighter. “For doing this for me. Being patient.”

Steve looks down at him, frowning slightly.

“‘Course. You shouldn’t— You don’t have to thank me,” He says, earnest. “It’s not a chore, Billy. You’re not…” He licks his lips, trying to think. When he looks at Billy, it's like he's telling him a secret. “You make me happy. All of you.”

Billy’s smile is wide, stretching his full lips and showing his teeth, and Billy only drops it so he can kiss Steve.

They keep it chaste, an unhurried, soft press of lips, enjoying their intimacy and their closeness and their familiarity. Simple as it is, it's one of the best kisses he's had. Steve's the best person he's ever met.

When Steve touches him, he feels safe. Billy wants to keep him.

#harringrove #billy hargrove #autistic billy hargrove #steve harrington #harringrove fic #harringrove ficlet #billy x steve #sorcery writes #mine

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captainsophiestark · 1 year

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Ragtag

Grant Ward x Reader

Masterlist - Join My Taglist!

Written for Fictober 2023!

Fandom: Marvel

Day 1 Prompt: "It's not too late, let's go."

Summary: The scene with FitzSimmons and Garrett on the Bus at the end of Season 1 if, instead of FitzSimmons, Grant had found and captured his long-time best friend, partner, and girlfriend.

Word Count: 4,158

Category: Angst, Fluff

Warnings: Mentions of abuse. No depictions of it, but the mention/realization that a character has been abused in the past, while staring at/standing in the same hallway as the abuser.

Putting work into an AI program without permission is illegal. You do not have my permission. Do not do it.

This had to be a nightmare.

With each step I took, one foot in front of the other, I willed myself to wake up, to realize everything had just been a bad dream. And with each step, I was forced closer to the realization that my situation was heartbreakingly, terrifyingly real.

The past week, I'd had a line of similar thoughts, hoping and praying that the fall of SHIELD and the betrayal of my best friend and boyfriend, Grant Ward, had been some insane fever dream. That I'd wake up in the med pod on the Bus, the team happy to see me awake, and that I'd realize everything had been some horrible concoction of my imagination instead. But just like now, I'd been forced to come to terms with the fact that I was wide awake.

First, I thought the nightmare was Hydra's infiltration. Then it became Garrett, Grant's mentor and basically surrogate father, being a traitor. Then it was discovering Grant was a traitor. Now, it had reached a whole new level, as Grant frog-marched me toward the Bus that he and Garrett had taken over, my hands tied behind my back and his gun forcing me to keep moving forward.

"Grant... what are you doing?" I breathed, trying to keep the tears out of my voice as we neared the ramp of the plane. Garrett had taken things over in the name of Hydra, and he clearly had some hold over my boyfriend. Every step towards that ramp lowered my odds of making it through this.

"We can't have SHIELD following us, that's all," he said. He kept his voice level, trying to convince me he was being reasonable, like I'd heard him do with our enemies on missions countless times before. I shook my head.

"You are SHIELD, Grant," I said. "Please, please remember that."

His grip tightened slightly on my forearm as he led me to the base of the ramp, a comforting squeeze more than anything threatening. A week ago, it would've put me at ease.

"I'm not the man you think I am," he muttered. I sighed heavily through my nose, a little bit of irritation finally flaring up.

"I know you better than anybody else on earth, apparently including you," I huffed. Grant didn't respond.

As soon as we entered the garage bay, where Lola used to sit, Grant and I were flanked by three other agents, who followed us up the stairs. Grant moved ahead, leading me through the physically wrecked and shattered hallways of the plane we'd spent a few, blissful months calling home, and my heart squeezed tight in my chest. How had everything gone so wrong?

"Here she is, sir," he said, and a second later I saw John Garrett's stupid, shitty face staring back at me. I narrowed my eyes and scowled, unable to contain my hate and anger enough to keep a neutral expression.

"What's the matter?" he asked, his tone light and teasing in a way that made my blood boil. "Cat got your tongue?"

"Maybe I've just got nothing to say to you," I replied. He had the nerve to laugh.

"Well, that's fine then. I don't know that I have much to say to you either, especially now that you're here. Thanks to Ward, you won't be much of a problem for me anymore."

Over Garrett's shoulder, I saw Grant's expression flicker and shutter. Like a kicked dog, caught between someone he loved and someone who scared him. An anger I'd only ever felt when our enemies threatened Grant welled up in my chest.

In my entire, almost fifteen-year career at SHIELD, I had managed to get through it without killing anyone. Ever. Even before I had the Icer to knock enemies out instead of shooting them the old-fashioned way, I'd made a point of using non-lethal force. It mattered to me; it felt important to find a way to do my job without killing people in the process.

Grant had never had the same reservations. It didn't bother me, and although we'd talked about it once or twice, I'd never expected him to take up my same system when we'd been partnered on missions, when we'd become good friends, or when we'd started dating. Time and again, he'd gone to the mat for me, tearing apart anyone that existed as a threat to me with a force I'd never have imagined using.

For the first time in our lives, in our decade and a half of friendship, the tables had turned.

Thanks to the rest of Coulson's team, I knew John Garrett had significant organ failure. A Cybertek device in his chest was the only thing still keeping him alive. He'd abused Grant for longer than I'd known him, and for the first time, I could see clearly how it affected Grant, in real time. For both our sakes, I couldn't let this go on any longer. I didn't know if it would kill him, and I still hoped it wouldn't, but for the first time I didn't care enough to make sure it wouldn't. I needed to get away from Garrett, and more importantly, I needed to get Grant��away from Garrett. Even if it was for just a few minutes.

The Bus's engines whirled outside, and I felt us lift off the ground. An added complication, for sure, but not enough to change the plan I'd just formed in my head. I took a deep breath in and out, steadying my heartbeat and readying myself for the action ahead, like Grant had taught me years and years ago. Then, I jumped as high as I could, bringing my handcuffed hands under my feet and around to the front of my body as I did. Before anybody could register my movement, I darted forward and struck Garrett in the chest as hard as I could, putting all my weight and momentum behind both of my hands.

Garrett went down like a sack of bricks. He doubled over, gripping his middle as he groaned. I brought my knee up and hit him again before anybody could stop me, and then I took off running through the familiar passages of the jet that I used to call home.

"Garrett!" I heard Grant cry, distress in his voice that sent a pang running through my chest. I ducked around a corner at the sound of thundering footsteps behind me, and soon the agents that'd followed Grant and I from the minute we set foot on the Bus came rushing into the small common area in front of all our bunks, one room over from Garrett and Grant.

I heard shouting from the other room, and Grant's voice faded as he told Garrett to wait just a second. I tried to keep a piece of my attention focused on that while I engaged the three agents who'd decided to chase me. Even with my hands tied, they weren't much of a match for me.

I wrapped my arms around the neck of the one who'd come in last, using him as a human shield against his friends as I held him in the sleeper hold.

One by one, I worked through my three assailants, until they were each unconscious on the ground. As soon as the last one was down, I paused to tune back in to the goings-on in the other room, and heard Grant's voice as he assured Garrett that he would live. Apparently Cybertek was preparing to treat him in Miami.

I made the quick decision that I had enough time to make sure these three wouldn't continue to be a problem, so I dragged them into my old bunk (right next to Grant's) and then wedged a loose piece of the dining table's structure into the door so it couldn't open again. It likely wouldn't hold them for very long, but it was better than nothing. I took a few extra seconds to wrestle out of my handcuffs, my mind working as I did.

With Garrett and his three goons incapacitated, I had decent hope of getting Grant alone. I heard Raina, an inhuman we'd been struggling with, promising to stay in the room with Garrett and keep him safe. And then, I heard Garrett's voice hissing at Grant, barely above an ugly whisper.

"I need you to put her down."

I straightened, hands on my hips as my handcuffs finally dropped from my wrists, and frowned. There was no mistaking what he meant, but I couldn't imagine he actually thought he'd get very far ordering Grant to kill me.

"What?" Grant's voice, barely louder than Garrett's. I shifted a little closer to the doorway to hear better. "No. There's plenty of time. I won't leave you."

"And I'm telling you to cross her off for me. It's not a weakness, is it?"

The silence seemed to stretch for years. Then, finally, Grant's voice:

"No."

I turned on my heel and ran.

The nightmare continued, apparently, as the man who'd saved my life more times than I could count anymore had apparently just agreed to be my murderer. I couldn't believe he'd actually go through with it, but I also couldn't believe he'd entertain Garrett to this point. I couldn't take any risks, not now.

I slid down the ladder between the sleeping compartment and the cockpit, landing in the maze of pods in the hull just as I heard heavy footsteps overhead. My heart started racing in my chest, a fear like I'd never felt in all my near-death experiences at SHIELD gripping my chest.

Grant wouldn't actually kill me, would he?

I darted between the pods, and just like in a horror movie, I heard Grant's voice call out my name from behind me. I sped up, finally ducking into one of the pods and locking it behind me as I heard his footsteps closing in. My hand slammed on the locking device and it turned from green to red just in time. A second later, Grant appeared before me, his hand on the glass separating us.

"Open the door," he said, his eyes locked on mine. I could only see one of his hands, and my heart raced in my chest as I realized the other was likely level with his hip. I took an involuntary step backward.

"Grant... you're scaring me," I breathed, tears at last rising to the surface and threatening to fall. I'd fought them back once, but this time, I didn't think I'd be able to.

"Y/N, just open the door."

"No. I heard what you said, I heard what Garrett said. You... you wouldn't actually kill me. Would you?"

He grimaced, his jaw setting in the expression I recognized as him dealing with something he DID NOT want to deal with. My heart broke a little more in my chest.

"Just open the door."

"No! Grant, are you kidding me?" The tears were coming now, streaming down my cheeks, and I stepped towards Grant again, pressing up against the glass to get as close to him as possible. "I love you! You're my best friend, you're my partner! You're supposed to have my back through anything! I... I'd started daydreaming about marrying you! About the two of us, having the SHIELD careers recruits would be hearing about for the rest of time, before finally retiring somewhere nice together. Every time I thought about my future, Grant, you were in it... and now I might not have a future because of you? Are you kidding me?"

His expression flickered, and he couldn't keep some sadness and regret off his face when he looked at me through the glass this time. The tiniest spark of hope fluttered in my chest. If he felt bad, maybe I could still talk him off the ledge. Maybe I didn't have to lose the love of my life.

"I'm sorry. I tried to tell you... I'm a bad man. I'm not the man you thought you fell in love with."

"Bullshit!" I cried, slamming my fist into the glass in front of me. Grant jumped a little, surprise registering on his face. "You are exactly who I think you are. I know you, Grant, I've spent the last fifteen years of my life with you. Garrett may think he knows you, but he's wrong. He knows who he wants you to be. But I know who you actually are."

"You don't-"

"The sugary, caramely coffee drinks you secretly love but refuse to let anybody else but me know you drink?" I said, interrupting him with a hand on my hip, my eyes locked on his. "How invested you got in The Circle when I made you watch it on Netflix? All the time we spent planning what our strategy would be if we ever went on the show together?"

He grimaced, but I didn't give him a second to respond.

"The face mask you did with me that you loved, and all the stupid pictures we took together with the masks on? Your aggressive hatred of the Patriots even though you're from Massachusetts? The fact that you sleep best with a sleep mask, and that you have to take your socks off right before you get under the covers? Not a moment before, and definitely not after? All of that shared history, all of those things we've shared and that I've gotten to see, and you think I don't know you?"

Grant just stared at me, looking at a loss for words. I let mine hang in the air for a minute, then continued.

"I highly doubt John Garrett could list even one of those things. And those little things that you do every day, that you can't fake? That's you Grant. I know you. I know you've saved me more times than I can even count, from the demons in the real world and the ones inside my own head. So I get that Garrett's got you believing you're some kind of secret evil supervillain, but I know enough to know how ridiculous that is. You're the best man I've ever met, Grant. Please, believe me over that piece of shit upstairs that never cared enough to know the real you."

Grant still didn't speak for a few long moments, but this time, I just let the silence hang. I held his gaze, the tears having finally stopped. I didn't wipe away the remnants as they slowly dried on my face. Finally, Grant sighed, breaking eye contact to look down at the ground before returning his stare to me.

"And how exactly do you see this going?" he asked, his voice low. He'd leaned in a little, like we were co-conspirators, and I swear I felt a weight lift off my chest. The glimmer of hope had turned into a full light. "What do you expect to happen next, after all this? Don't tell me you still see a happy ending, with us retiring after full careers at SHIELD."

I sighed through my nose and rolled my eyes up to the ceiling, before fixing Grant with a look. He raised his eyebrows, and I had to fight back a laugh, mostly at the relief for that small moment of our relationship back to normal.

"Well, no, I don't think that's in the cards anymore," I deadpanned. "But the only important part of my vision of the future has been you, Grant. I don't care if we get mentioned in SHIELD classes years from now or if we're labeled as failures, examples of what not to do. All that matters to me is you."

He stared at me for a few more long, silent moments. For most people, he would've been unreadable, but I recognized the slightly-wider eyes, the deer-in-headlights look he got whenever I admitted big feelings that he didn't expect me to share. It was a good sign, and when he swallowed and cleared his throat, his expression had all of the grim defeat gone, replaced instead by a shaky hope.

"So what are you suggesting?"

"I'm suggesting we run," I said simply. "It's not too late, let's go. Let's ditch it all, and go somewhere we can start a new life together. Screw Garrett, screw SHIELD, screw Hydra. All that matters is you and me."

Grant stared at me like he didn't believe I was real. Slowly, swallowing heavy again, he nodded. I raised my eyebrows and smiled.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he finally managed, nodding again, more sure this time. "Yeah, let's do that. You're... you're all that matters to me, too."

My small smile broke into a full-on grin, and at last, I hit the lock on the door. I slid it open the moment the lock flashed green, darting forward to close the space between me and Grant and wrapping him in a bone-crushing hug. I buried my face in his chest, and after a moment, he wrapped his arms around me in return.

"Well. I guess she was a weakness."

Grant and I's heads snapped up in unison to find John Garrett standing just down the hallway from us. I narrowed my eyes. Of course he'd picked this moment to show up.

Grant stiffened under my arms, and I could feel the stress radiating off of him. Garrett took a small step towards us, but I didn't dare move, lest Grant feel anymore trapped than he already did. Besides, holding him tight in a hug we'd shared during and after a thousand traumatic experiences felt like the best leg up on Garrett I could get.

"Agent Ward, I didn't train you to be a pushover. I trained you to be a man who could go in and do the job that needed to be done," said Garrett. "It's not too late. You don't want to disappoint me, son."

At the same time Garrett's words washed over Grant, he took another step closer, and his hand flexed at his side. Grant flinched under me, and I saw red.

In almost fifteen years, Grant had never flinched. Not like this. When something came flying at his face? Sure. When an especially good jump scare happened in a horror movie and he tried to hide how badly it had scared him? Always. But when someone stood apart from us, subtly threatening him? Never. Not once.

Garrett had clearly manipulated him, badly. I knew that. Throughout the course of this interaction, I'd assumed Garrett had crossed the line into mental abuse, too. But now, I realized it had gone even further. To mental and physical abuse. Garrett had hit Grant enough after Grant "failed" him, that my boyfriend, who'd stared down some of the scariest people in the world without fear, stood next to me trembling, caught between a rock and a hard place.

"Think things through here, Ward," said Garrett, continuing his slow walk towards us. "Either you kill her, or I do. Weaknesses are unacceptable, especially now that we've come out of the shadows. A happy ending doesn't exist to this love story that came from your lies at SHIELD. So don't be stupid, son. Don't make this worse on yourself than it has to be-"

My hand moved before my brain actually registered what I was doing. I grabbed the gun out of the holster at Grant's waist, the one I thought he might've decided to use on me only about ten minutes ago, and I levelled it at Garrett. I was aware enough to realize this wasn't an Icer; this had the ability to do lethal damage. And for the first time ever, I decided I didn't care. I shot John Garrett in the chest, twice. He dropped to his knees, the life quickly fading out of him, leaving a crumpled heap on the floor.

The gun fell out of my hand and clattered to the ground, my hands were shaking so bad. I dropped to my knees, a wave roaring in my ears as I stared at Garrett's dead body. Vaguely, I registered tears streaming down my face. What had I just done?

A second later, Grant dropped next to me. His arm wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me to him. Not only had I just killed someone, I'd killed someone important to Grant. In front of him. His abuser, yes, but that wouldn't make it much easier to watch the man he thought saved him die before his eyes.

"Grant... I'm so sorry," I breathed, the words coming out broken around sobs and gulps for air. I shook my head and buried it into his shoulder, the reality of everything washing over me again and again, like waves pounding into the shore. "I can't believe... I just killed someone. I'm so sorry, I... I've always found another way. Always. All life is precious and important, but he was just so rotten- And he was hurting you- I'm so sorry."

I broke, words failing me as I shook, sobbing, head buried in Grant's chest. He wrapped his other arm around me and held me tight, which only made me feel worse. We stayed like that for a few moments, until I finally got a hold of myself enough to look at him. His eyes remained on Garrett's broken form, and it felt like a punch to the gut.

"Grant... how can you be comforting me right now? After what I did to someone you care about, I-"

I broke off again, the words turning into choked sobs as I ducked my head back into his chest. I squeezed my eyes tight, waiting for Grant to come to his senses enough to pull away. Instead, he sighed, and pulled me closer.

"Come on, is that even a real question?" he asked, his words as shaky as both of us combined. "The same way you forgave me for everything I did. I love you. And... if you, of all people, decided the right decision was to shoot John Garrett? ...Well, I don't know. Maybe he was having a worse impact on me than I realized."

I cried harder at that, relief and sadness and a thousand other emotions that had been warring in my chest all day coming together to be processed as one. After a few moments, I felt Grant's shaky breathing and a few drops of wetness on the top of my head as he cried silently with me. Grief for a lot of things gripped us both, but at least we could cling to each other.

A few long minutes later, we finally pulled apart and helped each other to stand. We were both still shaking, and I did my best to stand between Grant and Garrett's body. It felt wrong to keep my back to Garrett, to let myself avoid facing what I'd done, but I just couldn't make myself do it.

Wordlessly, we wandered back up to the main level of the Bus. Raina still waited here somewhere, but we didn't see her, and we didn't seek her out as we headed for the cockpit. With a few looks, we both knew exactly what we wanted and needed to do. I held Grant's hand tight in my own as we had the Quinjet set down immediately, in the middle of a field in Oklahoma. Neither of us wanted to be on board a second longer.

We walked out of the cockpit and towards the ramp in the back, avoiding any of the cargo bay where so much had happened. We found Raina in the living room, but she didn't try to stop us. Hand in hand, Grant and I walked off the ramp and out into the field. A moment later, the plane took off again, continuing on its original course and leaving us behind.

Grant tugged me closer to him and wrapped an arm around me, and we leaned on each other as the plane disappeared into the sky. Both of us still shook a little, and we were each the only thing keeping the other standing. After a minute, once the plane completely disappeared from sight, Grant spoke in a quiet voice.

"So... what do we do now?"

"...I guess we just start walking."

I looked up at him and our eyes connected for a few moments, holding each other's stares and trying to promise the other that everything would be okay. With Garrett gone, now more than ever, there was nothing stopping us from leaving all the hurt and bad memories behind, and starting over somewhere new. With any luck, Raina would tell people we were dead along with John Garrett, and that would be the end of our involvement with SHIELD and Hydra.

For now, though, none of that mattered. All that mattered was the man standing beside me as we turned, our backs to the plane and its path, and started walking towards our new future, hand in hand and one foot in front of the other.

****************

Marvel Taglist: @valkyriepirate @luv-ghostie

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kiefbowl · 2 years

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you know those anti smoking posters and ads that would show the timeline of what happens to you after you quit smoking starting from like 15 minutes and going into months and then years etc etc? like this:

I have no idea how scientific any of that is, that's just all preamble to give context to my other point: I feel like I can physically feel changes in my brain the longer away from the internet I am. Possibly psychosomatic, I'd be willing to concede that. But I feel like as my current job has left me with little to do but browse the internet all day, my social media and internet usage is way up again, and with that comes weird symptoms I've started to associate with it: brain fog, lack of focus, erratic thoughts, headaches, thought loops, low estimation of my capabilities, lack of trust in my own memory, and weird preoccupation with time and death. Granted, I struggle with depression and anxiety, but paired with increased internet usage I seem even more hyper vigilant at observing my internalization and I become extremely disconnected with my external realities, even so far as wondering "is this real?" That's at the most extreme end, usually I think I have over-all a pretty healthy relationship with the internet, especially due to great practice and awareness over the past few years, but can slide into over-usage pretty quickly. I've felt more aware of these "symptoms" as I've practice things like taking hiatuses (which I recommend) of all different lengths.

This moment in time I feel the most aware of the phenomenon of increased internet usage = symptoms impacting my physical life, maybe due to age or my increased awareness. The other day I realized the thought I was having was just an image looping in my mind like a gif. I was like...am I literally not thinking of anything? But the ability to recognize it stopped it and then I spent the rest of the day away from the computer and my phone and realized my mood was better and I was more present by the end of the day when at the beginning of the day I felt like I couldn't keep a straight thought about anything. I've also realized (in this current past few weeks) I've gotten into a habit of opening too many things on the internet...I'll open a youtube video and as it's loading, open tumblr, and as I'm scrolling realizing I've seen most the posts, so then I open a browser game, but that's boring, so I'm checking my email, and that reminds me of a task I haven't done but when I open another tab I can't remember it already so I'm back at the youtube video....trying to do eight things at once but never really fully committed to any of them. It's freaky to realize you've fallen into this habit when you can spend hours of the day acting like a normal person!

But that's the reason I bring up the cigarette posters is that the effects of "quitting" the internet seem almost immediate. I put my phone in the other room and sit with a book and the first few pages feel excruciating, but if I make myself keep going, 15 minutes later I'm reading like a normal person and yet part of my brain is going "why did you think that this was hard it's just reading so weird so weird so weird" and then 30 minutes later that part of my brain is silent and I'm really reading and it's fine. And I also notice when I leave the house, it takes any activity at all to get lost into being alive again rather than hyper vigilantly observing myself. But so many kids (and adults) joke about not wanting to leave the house. I think for normal and otherwise healthy people, you could easily reverse the effects of anti-social behavior your internet usage is convincing you of by simply "touching grass" (lol), but a lot of people are convinced of some intrinsic truth about themselves because they aren't as critical of their internet usage as other people are, so they don't see the connection between their usage and their life choices. You could literally go for a walk and feel normal again.

I don't really have a conclusion except maybe that the brain is very fascinating, and it's very capable of absorbing so much information at once, that to give it care we need to not overload it. But what I've found to work for me is to not "shut if off" but give it something else to do...a book to read, an art project, an errand to complete. These are thoughts I've been collecting in my mind for years but never felt the need to make a long winded post about, until recently when my circumstances change and that was enough to ramp up my internet usage after a lot of work to be more conscientious about it. I really wrote this off the hip, I just wanted to get some thoughts down.

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daintylovers · 4 months

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Champagne Coast

1.1 Pilot

Seth Cohen x Hailey Atwood (oc)

A/N: hehehehe I just loooovvveeee my stiles stilinski variants. this is an oc and she is ryans sister- twins! at least, same ages. I'm gonna try not to have too many physical descriptors of her, for all we know she could be adopted. hope you enjoy!

"Trey, what if we get caught?" Ryan was always so quick to assume the worst.

"Ryan," I started, "We won't get caught, but you might if you keep overthinking things."

"Hailey, this is grand theft auto. Real-life fucking grand theft auto, not the video game. Something seriously could go wrong." I just rolled my eyes in response. We had done this several times by now, jacking cars for parts. We needed the money, and of course driving around random cars was always fun. A way to blow off steam from the stress of everyday life.

Catching on to my facial expression, Trey slung his arm around my shoulder, "There's the spirit, Bambi." That was my designated nickname. It was a running joke, at first glance everyone assumed I was just an innocent little thing. It helped me get out of sticky situations. More than enough.

"Come on Ryan. Are you in? Or are you out?" Aforementioned boy sent a glare in my direction, willing me to change my mind. I just shook my head with a smile. No way out of this one.

One of Ryan's best qualities was his inability to say no to me. I was always dragging him into my messes, and thankfully he would always arrive with a mop in hand. Ready to clean up the disasters left in my wake. I could feel sorry for him, if I thought about it enough. But that's just it, I didn't.

If it weren't for me, we might be stuck living at this house, for the rest of our lives. No stories to tell, no anything, really. I can't live like this. And he shouldn't have to. Ryan was one of the good ones. And if I could find a way to get him out of here, he could establish himself, and pull me from these ashes.

"Fine. But," Here comes the ultimatum, "Hailey, you stay as far away as possible. You aren't getting thrown in a cell again." Oh, but it's fine if he does it?

All three of us had terrible track records. From fights to breaking and entering, the cops were our biggest fans around Chino. But now we had to be more careful than ever. Trey wasn't a minor anymore. While Ryan and I were each one way from juvie. Ryan had been on the fence for three months now. While I got my final warning just last week, for punching a guy in the nose. He had been trying to grind up against one of my friends, and she had repeatedly told him to fuck off. But to no avail. Ryan tried to hold me back, but I had slipped easily from his grasp, hitting my target so forcefully that his head snapped back and his nose was left bleeding and crooked.

****

Our target was a shiny, souped-out black sports car. I wanted her. I debated trying to convince Trey to let us keep it for a few days.

Ryan was still wary so Trey began to speak, "I'm your big brother. If I don't teach you this, then who will?" Then he smashed the window open. So much for keeping it for a little.

"I don't know Trey-"

"Hailey, get Ryan to get in the car or I will leave his ass for dead." Could have just told him that yourself. I wasn't Trey's biggest fan, but he got shit done. I admired that. Very resilient, the lot of us.

Ryan climbed into the passenger seat, while I took up the back. Situating myself in the middle, I had the perfect view and the empty streets we were about to race. Trey hotwired the car like it was nothing and we were on our way.

Except we didn't get very far before sirens started following us. Fuck.

"Trey pull over."

"Ryan- fuck off man no way."

I tried, "Trey, please. Maybe we can make a run for it."

Trey turned around to spat something at me, but swerved the wheel on accident, causing the car to smash into the building adjacent.

Kids, always wear your seatbelt. Especially if the driver is a fucking idiot. I flew from my seat, but Ryan's arm caught me and pushed me back. My head bounced off the seats. My ears started ringing, and I swear my neck almost snapped from the force.

Someone was talking, but I couldn't make out the words. Or the voice for that matter. But the flashing lights told me enough. I watched Ryan put his hands up, and look at me. He jerked his arms up a little and I got the memo.

With raised arms and my head spinning, I tried to prepare myself for the jail cell.

****

My neck hurt like no other when I awoke. One of the guards had been knocking against the bars, guess I hadn't heard him. He looked pissed. "Get up kid, Someone is here to see you." Who the fuck could that be?

With bleary eyes, I forced myself into a standing position. I held my wrists out so he could slap the cuffs on them before he led me to the visitation room.

Walking in, I spotted Ryan instantly. He was sitting with some older man, who had papers out in front of him.

Like he had some type of sixth sense, Ryan turned his head to face my direction, giving me a soft smile, happy I was alright. He was always the more worried one during this type of thing. He had a point though, girls are never treated the same.

Sitting down, he was quick to assure, "Bambi- you alright?"

I nodded, my throat feeling scratchy. He looked at me with concern, "How's your neck? The crash probably affected you more."

"I'm fine Ryan. Just a little banged up" I replied, voice sounding like hell.

I turned to face the newbie, who was watching our interaction like a hawk.

"Hailey, it's nice to meet you. My name is Sandy Cohen, and I have been appointed as your guy's public defender."

Having already thought about my fate all night, I wasn't feeling too hopeful. I just stared at him, with no expression. He didn't care if I rotted in prison for the rest of my life. No one did. Besides Ryan, but because of me, we would rot together.

Ryan asked about Trey, and that made me pay more attention. Was it bad, that I had forgotten about him? During my all-night freakout session, I hadn't once thought about how this would affect him. The only things on my mind had been about Ryan and I.

"Well, Trey is over eighteen. Trey stole a car, had a gun in his pants, an ounce of pot, and a couple of priors," He had a gun? "Trey is looking at anywhere from three to five years."

The man, Sandy, continued, "I'm not here for Trey. I'm here for you two. Ryan, your grades? Why is a smart kid like you in here right now?" Because of me. "And Hailey, you have community service written every which way. What, steal a car to help out the neighborhood?"

I couldn't help myself, "Something like that."

"She speaks." He laughed a little. I just stared at him. "Hailey, fighting? That doesn't seem like you. Ryan, truancy charges? Come on guys, why are you doing this to yourselves?"

Not receiving any answers, he trudged on, "What is your guys' plan for the future? College? Trade School? Anything?" This guy was trying so hard to remain hopeful for us. What a joke.

But- if we're really being honest, his questioning was making me a little sad. I had no future. Never really did. But Ryan? God, Ryan could do so much. I think I might be sick.

I guess my face cracked, losing it's blank expression in exchange for desperate eyes. If you looked extra close, my lip was sure to be quivering. If Trey were here, he would have laughed at me. He didn't take too kindly to emotions. Ryan learned that quicker than I did growing up, which is why his expression never faltered.

"Mr. Cohen, with all due respect, modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life expectancy will be one hundred. But I read this article that said social security was bound to run out by the year of 2025. Which means people are going to have to stay in their jobs until they're eighty. So, we don't want to commit to anything too soon."

Sandy laughed, but persisted, "Look, I can plead this down to a misdemeanor. Petty fine, probation. But seriously guys, stealing a car because your big brother wanted you to it's stupid and weak. Two things, neither of you can afford to be right now." Well, actually we can't afford to be anything right now- fancy lawyer ass. "We three are cut from the same cloth. I know it may not look like it right now, but I was once in your position."

I cut him off, done with whatever this was supposed to be, "And look at you now, hot shot." He hadn't expected that. Just a minute ago I looked ready to crumble, but now I was turning my desperation into anger. I just wanted this to be over.

****

Mr. Cohen managed to get us out, shortly after. Now the sun was blaring down on us. I had Ryan on one side, and Mr. Cohen on the other.

"My office will be in contact to remind you of your court date."

"Got it," Ryan answered, as our mother's car screeched up to us.

She stumbled out and thrust her poorly manicured finger into my face. "Unbelievable! This is the kind of family I got. Pathetic!"

Mr. Cohen looked like he was the one getting publically berated. "Ms. Atwood? My name is Sandy Cohen. I am Ryan and Hailey's attorney."

"You should have let them rot in there. Just like their daddy. Just like their stupid brother." Then she grabbed my wrist, pulling me to the car, "Let's go! Now!"

I was already buckled in, not wanting a re-run of last night, before Ryan got in. His hand reached back, and I took the tiny card from him.

It was Mr. Cohen's card.

****

Once back at the house, a pit of dread formed in my gut.

Mom had already poured herself another drink, before she turned her attention onto us, "I can't do this anymore."

"I'm sorry Mom," I answered almost immediately. I was always the one apologizing first. I hated myself for it, yet every time I couldn't help myself. The Bambi nickname was more accurate than most people knew. Deep down, I desperately craved some sort of parental figure's love. Dad left, and Mom only cared when it benefited her.

"I want you out! Both of you."

"What?" I stuttered, tears springing to my eyes immediately. Hearing my wavering voice, Ryan was quick to grasp my hand, assuring me we would be fine. She didn't mean it. She never meant it. But the what-ifs always pestered me.

"Come on Mom, where do you expect us to go?"

Her boyfriend answered for her, "You heard her. Out! Now!"

Ryan was pissed, all of mom's boyfriend always treated us like shit. "This isn't your house, man."

"Oh, you think you're a tough guy, huh?"

Ryan's grasp on my hand tightened, and then he dropped it.

"Both of you, stop it." Mom tried, weakly.

But Ryan couldn't help himself, "Why don't you get the fuck out and stop freeloading off our mom."

The guy punched Ryan square in the nose, so hard that my brother stumbled back into me. I saw red.

I stepped out from behind Ryan and went to make my mark, but the guy was quick. He caught my fist in the air, twirling my arm around behind my back, then shoved me to the ground. My lip caught the corner of the side table, and I felt blood start to fill my mouth.

I felt someone lift me from the floor, knowing Ryan was the only one who would touch me after that. If I thought my head hurt before, then this was hell on earth.

We were out the door in minutes. Making quick to get the hell out of dodge.

****

No one wanted to house us. Ryan tried everyone we knew. I tried everyone and their mothers, and yet all we got was rejection. I had one last try, and my money dried up. Reaching into my back pocket, I pulled out the card we received just hours beforehand.

How did it get this fucked, so fast?

I showed the card to Ryan who just nodded, what other choice did we have. Sure the park benches were always an option, but after last time? No way.

Mr. Cohen was the only one to pick up.

****

The house we pulled up to was something straight out of a movie. I didn't even realize people actually lived like this. Talk about growing up on the wrong side of the tracks.

We were just about to go inside before Mr. Cohen stopped us and told us to wait just a little.

Not having any other options we nodded our heads.

Ryan started walking down the driveway, pulling his pack of cigs from his jeans pockets. I followed him down, waiting for him to finish lighting up.

Once he took his first puff, he looked down at my puppy dog eyes. He smoked but hated it when I did it. But I guess he was feeling sorry for me because he handed me his pack.

He turned his gaze ahead of him, so I took one out. Then after a second thought, I took a few more out, hiding them in my jacket pocket.

"Put them back." He chided.

Damn, I thought I was safe. I put most of them back, keeping an extra one. He turned and gave me a look, not having my antics.

"Please, Ryan. Just this once."

"You're getting your once right now," He said, sneaking his hand into the pocket to retrieve his stolen goods. Then he offered me the light and allowed me a taste of heaven.

Looking up, I spotted a girl across us. She was staring at Ryan. Of course, she was staring at Ryan.

Feeling a little out of place, I made my way up the driveway again. These rich people need to lock up their homes more carefully.

I made my way through the backyard, careful not to fall into the gigantic fucking pool in the middle. If I had a house like this, I would swim every night.

I continued snooping around and noticed the back door to the house was also unlocked. I stubbed out the rest of my cigarette and made my way inside.

Making my way around the corner, I was caught by the owners. And Ryan.

"There she is, girl of the hour. Thank you for gracing us with your presence." Mr. Cohen joked, while his wife looked like her head might pop off at any minute.

Sheepishly, I waved my hand and made my way to stand next to Ryan.

"You must be Hailey," the woman said, offering her hand. I shook it while nodding my head. "Great, well, you two will be staying in the pool house. Which I'm sure you have already found." Touche.

"Thank you, Mrs. Cohen." Ryan and I said in unison like the Shinning Twins.

The rest of the night was spent in said pool house. I had wanted to keep wandering, but Ryan wouldn't allow it. So instead we both tried sleeping, tried being the keyword.

****

I woke before Ryan did. Odd, because normally it was the other way around.

Tip-toeing around his sleeping form, I successfully exited the pool house.

I wasn't alone for long before, I heard a slight shriek. Looking inside the house, I saw two doe eyes staring back at me. Then I let out my own shriek. Who the hell is that?

He was clearly younger than Mr. Cohen, but I wasn't aware they had a kid. Unless they didn't, and this was some sort of looter.

Sliding open the door that separated us, the boy stepped outside, ready to question me. But I beat him to it, "Who the hell are you?"

"Huh- Who the hell am I? Who the hell are you? Why are you in my backyard?"

"Wait, you live here?" So not a looter, my first theory was proving to be more accurate.

"Yes!" He exclaimed, "But you don't live here. And you're pretty, but with the cut on your lip, I'm assuming you aren't here to befriend me. So please leave before I get my lawyer dad to throw your ass in jail."

"Well your lawyer dad, just helped get my ass out of jail. So I feel pretty good about my standing with him right now."

This made him falter, "Wait, aren't you supposed to be a boy?"

I just raised my eyebrow at him.

"Sorry, my mistake. I must have heard wrong last night," then to save his ass, he extended his hand, "Truce?"

"Sure, spaz." and I put my hand in his. We awkwardly shook hands for longer than necessary, before I pulled away.

"Seth, but close enough. Wanna play video games?"

****

We played on his living room floor for about thirty minutes before Ryan caught us.

"What the hell Hailey, you left?" Seth swerved his head toward the intruder so fast, that I was worried he was gonna get whiplash.

Answering the question I knew was on the brunette's lips, I said, "Technically Ryan, I didn't leave. I relocated."

I looked to Seth, with his big questioning eyes, "Seth, meet Ryan. Ryan meets Seth. You two are like opposite sides of a coin." Then I smiled at Ryan, mouthing "sorry".

"Hi, Ryan. I wasn't aware there were two of you." That last bit was directed to me. I shrugged my shoulders. "Well, you want to play?"

****

In the next few hours, I received a lot of information. Seth was in love with Summer, a girl, not the season. Ryan was in love with Marissa, the girl from last night. But most importantly, Kirsten, the woman from last night, was in love with playing dress up.

We were currently residing in her room after she insisted that Ryan and I should attend the fashion show later that night. She had heard that Ryan was invited and thought that meant I would want to go too.

Don't get me wrong, in another life, I would eat this up. But, I didn't have high hopes for trying to fit into this richy rich society.

Kirsten had loaned me a dress, light pink silk that dropped down to my knees, with an asymmetrical hem at the bottom.

"That looks great" she smiled. Catching her gaze in the mirror, I tried to smile, but it looked more like I was in pain. She wasn't wrong, it did look great. Probably the greatest I have and would ever look. But I just felt so empty.

No empty was the wrong word. I felt too much, like one wrong breeze and I would fall off the cliff I was on.

"Thank you for the dress. And for your hospitality."

She made her way behind me, patting my back gently, "Come on sweetheart, the boys are probably waiting."

****

"Welcome to the dark side." Seth introduced. We had arrived at the function, and I was trying to stay mindful of why I was invited.

The show started soon after we took our seats. Ryan's Barbie doll, the model-faced girlfriend came out first. Then a slightly shorter brunette bounced out after, and Seth turned to whisper in my ear, "That's Summer." Of course, it was.

He tilted his head slightly to look at me, waiting for my approval. I gave him a thumbs up, then brought my lips up to the shell of his ear, "She's really pretty Cohen. Watch out, I might just steal her from you."

Pulling back, I looked at him and we erupted into giggles.

Once we turned our attention back to the show, I noticed that Summer had already gone back. So much for Seth's five-second glance at her.

I turned back to him one last time, ready to mouth "sorry", but he was already looking at me. I proceeded anyway, but with my cheeks heating up. He just shrugged his shoulders, then reached out to turn my head back.

After the show, Seth and I managed to be separated from the rest of the group. After failing to find our group, we lingered off to the side.

"You know, you could have been up there tonight." he started.

I looked up at him and gave him a smile, "Really? I was thinking the same about you. I could totally see you swinging your hips to be beat up there."

His cheeks turned red, but before he could come up with another witty comeback, Ryan found us. "Guys, we should go to that girl Holly's house. She's throwing a party."

"A party? No- no I'm good actually. I like my house."

Never one to back down from a party I said, "Come on Cohen, what if Summer is there."

That got his attention, cheeks turning brighter by the second.

"Come on!" A girl from the back of the car ahead called out.

Looking at Seth one more time, I wiggled my eyebrows and started walking back. "Come on Seth, you heard the girl." Then I turned on my heel and got into the car.

Looking around, I noticed a certain brunette bombshell was sitting right next to me. She offered me her hand and I accepted, "I'm Summer. You're Ryan's sister right?"

"That's so close, you almost knew my name!" She looked embarrassed and I felt guilty. "I'm Hailey, and yes, I am Ryan's sister."

"Awesome!"

****

I had been at the party for about an hour now, and still no sign of the boys. Not that I had searched too hard for them. Instead, my eyes had spotted the booze fairly quickly, and that ended up with me dancing with some guy. He was cute, but not cute enough for me to stop thinking about Seth. I hoped he actually came out. He needs to experience life a little.

Parting ways with the guy, I motioned to the drinks and he followed suit.

Then I spotted just who I was looking for. "Seth!" I stumbled over to him.

He turned around fairly fast and caught me as I thrust myself into him, going for a hug but failing. He laughed and held me up, hands on my waist. "Hailey!"

"You have a boyfriend?" A voice interrupted.

"Boy-boyfriend, no, no I'm sorry," Seth said to my former dance partner. Who ignored the boy, looking at me instead.

I was bored of him so I just nodded my head and then turned to ignore him.

He must have left as I made my way to get another drink because Seth came to stand right next to me. "How much have you had to drink?" He asked.

"How much have you had to drink?" I tried to counter. He just laughed at me, before a commotion erupted outside.

Noticing Ryan wasn't near us, I had a sneaking suspicion that he might be involved in whatever was transpiring outside. I tried getting through the crowded kitchen, but between being slightly more than drunk and being shoved back by unsuspecting elbows, I wasn't making it very far.

Seth, noticing I hadn't made it as far as he had, turned back to grasp my hand, and then pulled me through.

Once we got outside, I watched Ryan get knocked in the face by some blonde douchebag who shouted, "Welcome to the O.C. bitch!"

What the fuck is happening?

****

We left the party quickly after.

Coming out of the bathroom, I felt refreshed after being able to take a hot shower. Ryan and Seth were sat on the couch by the bed, talking about the night.

When I came out, both boys looked at me and then held up snacks.

We talked and giggled for a while until each one of us had our eyes closing by themselves. Seth had been curled up on one side of the couch for a while now. Any minute and he would be out like a light.

I excused myself to use the bathroom one last time, as Ryan went out for another smoke.

When I came out, albeit I took a little longer than anticipated Ryan and his Barbie doll were curled up on the bed. Damn. That was my spot.

My only other option was the floor, or the side of the couch that Cohen fist rested on. I made my way to the couch, gently pushing his legs to the side, trying to get the pillow that he rested on. I figured the floor was a safer place than being kicked in the head in the middle of the night.

I was trying to be subtle, not wake the sleeping boy, but he foiled my plans. "What are you doing?" he whispered soft, voice clogged with drowsiness.

"Nothing, go back to bed."

He sat up, rubbing at his eyes the way a small child would, "Seriously, Hailey, are you sleeping on the floor?" he questioned.

He made a move to get up, but I placed my hands on his shoulders pushing down slightly. "Seriously, I'm not letting you take the floor. If you're going to be so stubborn, just sleep on the couch with me."

"Cohen, I don't want your freakishly long legs to kick me."

"They won't. Just come on," he said, removing my hands from his shoulders so he could scoot over. "See, enough room for two."

I debated it for a second, I had never slept in the same spot as a boy. But Cohen took my silence as rejection and immediately moved to stand. "I'm sorry, I- I should take the floor."

"No!" I was quick to interject.

"No?"

"No- just lay down again."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive Cohen."

And with that, he laid back down and opened up his arms. I crawled next to him, my back to his chest. He encircled by frame, "Is this okay?" I nodded in response, feeling the sleep hit almost immediately.

****

"Look, Ryan, Hailey, I'm sorry. I don't mean to play bad cop, It's nothing personal," Kirsten started.

Just minutes ago she had burst into the pool house, furious in only a way a mother can be. She didn't even question the fact that I was in her sons arms, only glaring at him and pointing behind her.

Seth got the hint and removed himself from me, following his mom back into the house like a scolded puppy.

Ryan and I made our way in shortly after, headed for the kitchen for one last meal before we were inevitably kicked out.

"I'm sorry, you two seem like such nice kids."

"It's okay, we get it," Ryan answered.

She was nice enough to allow us to stay by the Seth, so we made the trek upstairs.

Knocking on the door, I entered first. "We have to go," I told him.

"You're leaving?" he questioned, clearly sad.

Ryan spoke up, "We have to take care of some things back home."

Seth got up and shook Ryans out stretched hand. They did a typical boy handshake, before turning to me.

Seth and I looked at each other, unsure of what to do. I made the first move, going in to wrap my arms around his waist. I felt him stiffen at first, and then he reciprocated my motion.

When we pulled away he said, "Well, I can't wait to come visit you guys down in Chino. You can show me your world."

****

Our world no longer existed.

Once we pulled up to the house, Ryan and I were met with the shell of our home. Abandoned with a single poorly written letter.

Awesome.

"Come on." Mr. Cohen, our savior, to the rescue once again.

Back to exploring Seth's world instead.

****

A/N: holy fuck this took so long to write. but- yipee!! thank you for reading <3

#fic rec #fiction #fanfic #seth cohen #ryan atwood #seth cohen x oc #adam brody #oc x reader

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ethicaltreatmentofcowplants · 30 days

Text

I made the mistake of mentioning to @akitasimblr that I could write a whole teal deer about this scene, so she of course enabled me.

cw: i'm discussing my thought process behind it and what i was bearing in mind as i set it up and wrote it, so this does deal with consent in more depth, and in much less vague wording, than in the actual scene. proceed with caution. and stay safe out there, everyone.

As I’ve said, initially it was intended to be something light and silly about Araminta’s “oops” moment where she sent an ‘r u up’ style text to the bachelor’s identical twin instead. But when I thought some more about Araminta’s inexperience and personality, and where her state of mind was at that point in the gameplay, I realised just how anxious she would have been when she realised her error.

And while Leo is very clearly “if it’s not right for both of us, then it’s not right for either of us” when it comes to sex, Araminta doesn’t yet know that. What she does know is that he flirted with her during her introduction, he accepted her offer, he has a reputation of being a Del Sol Valley villain that he seems to revel in, and that he is the director and creator of the show she is about to become a contestant in.

While I try to keep real world prejudices and issues away from the Sims since the game doesn’t have those features itself (apart from classism and rich versus poor), as we all know Hollywood and other such industries do have a history of powerful men abusing their influence, which tragically continues to this day. So given their relative positions and the imbalance of power, once I started writing the scene, that became part of the undertone too.

(For the record, Araminta never thought that the very bad thing would happen - and I didn’t want to touch that. At all. Rather she was convinced that he would develop a grudge against her and spoil her time on the show. And since part of the reason she applied was that her trainer suggested it might boost her profile and help her land sponsorships as a rising star on the professional equestrian scene, she was worried about that too.)

So when she finally enters Leo’s hotel room, I figured that it may take him a while to deduce exactly why she’s being so quiet and nervous, given that he is a five star celebrity and in his mind, perhaps she became a little starstruck once she was in the same room with him. He therefore tries to put her at ease, humanising himself by reminding her that he’s a regular person too (if - in his mind - a completely amazing and perfect one), joking about the chardonnay and encouraging a feeling of intimacy by treating her as a confidant with his Thorne Bailey gossip. Had he actually been ‘just some guy,’ he likely would have realised what was wrong far, far sooner.

Crucially during this, he doesn’t touch her nor otherwise tries to physically initiate things.

However, once he realises that she doesn’t want to have sex with him at all (or as he understands it at the time, has changed her mind), he takes the initiative and attempts to make things easier for her by asking her straight out if that’s the case. She’s still too nervous to speak, so he takes the lack of an absolute ‘yes’ when it comes to sex (in his words, shoving him onto the bed) as a ‘no.’ He then comes up with an excuse to leave the room, which does several things. It physically distances Leo from Araminta, thus hopefully easing her worries and assuring her that nothing is going to happen unless she wants it to. It also - as he suggests - gives her a moment to gather herself and regroup.

And at this along with the “if I end up having the entire bottle to myself, then that’s okay” comment, he’s actually putting in her head that it’s fine to entirely leave the hotel room and go back to her lodgings, if that’s what she wants to do.

After this, Araminta then is in a good enough place where she is able to join Leo in the other room and explain what had happened. Of course, he’s a mean traited Sim and incredibly vain, so there are some snarky comments, but none of them are about her not wanting to have sex with him. And if you look at the content of his messages rather than the wording and jokes, he reinforces his support of her wishes - along with a general pro consent statement - and reassures her that it won’t impact how she’s treated on the show. He also reminds her to breathe (which being a performer, he’d likely know that focusing on that is a good way to limit any pre-gig panic) and suggests she do something relaxing, like getting a massage, after she leaves.

Also with his final comment about how he’s always happy to ‘mentor’ a promising up-and-comer, while I don’t think he’d say ‘no’ if she did ask to sleep with him in the future, I think it’s more an attempt at levity and playing up to his bad boy reputation rather than a genuine offer. He probably really does not want her telling people that he was nice to her, but his threat of how he’d ruin her reputation if she did is clearly a silly one and he's again reassuring her that she has nothing to fear from him, especially since it's delivered with a hug.

Finally I ended with the closing shots of Araminta walking away looking relieved and happy, and Leo perhaps ruminating on just how shitty the world of dating can be if you’re a straight femme type. For all his faults, Ana’s Leo does sincerely love his family and is devoted to them, so perhaps along with the wine, he experienced some rather sobering thoughts of how he’s going to prepare his daughters for all this nonsense to come.

(Sorry Leo, but I’m fairly sure they don’t all turn out to be lesbians.)

So hopefully while I did try to keep things relatively light, I was able to convey all this throughout the scene and not trivialise the issue. If I didn’t succeed, then while I doubt that I will be dealing with consent themes again anytime soon (if at all) in the future, I am sorry and I will do better.

#tw: consent #cw: consent #my writing or poor attempts at such #just thinky thoughts etc

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adhd-attention-deficit-dumbass · 9 months

Text

PSA - If you are walking your dog without a leash in a shared public space you are kind of being a dick🐕

I had a period of severe anxiety especially when walking outside. Despite this I did my best to force myself to go outside once a day if only for a few minutes to improve my physical and mental well-being.

So there I am doing my little walk around the neighborhood already struggling to keep my anxiety in check, I’m almost home, relieved that the torture of going outside is almost over. I look behind me (as you do when you expect the world to pounce on you at any second) and I see a woman walking with a big dog unleashed. The dog is walking next to her no problem not looking agressive at all.

Now I’m not afraid of dogs in any way shape or form. We had a giant rottweiler growing up so I really have no reason to be afraid, but since I was already overwhelmed with anxiety this really freaked me out and I started walking faster, but so did the dog lady.

I actually don’t know if what happened next really happened the way I remember it, but I keep looking back and they keep getting closer. In that moment I remember a close family friend who got attacked and bit in the head on a walk by an unleashed dog. I think about the stitches she had to get, how she became so afraid of encountering dogs that she couldn’t take her own dog for walks any longer. Thee lady and the dog keep coming closer and I start panicking even though I’m fully convinced that this dog looks nowhere near even considering attacking. Next thing I know, I look back again and I see this big black dog running up behind me and just scream like I’ve never screamed before.

I step off the trail and sort of freeze. Embarrased but also afraid and I end up sitting down and sort of rocking myself trying to control my anxiety.

The dog lady comes over and tells me

”It’s okay, he’s friendly.”

She gives me this look like she doesn’t know what to think of me. I start profusely apologizing explaining that I just got really scared but that I’m actually fine. She doesn’t really buy it (understandably as I was starting to hyperventilate) She sort of half-heartedly asks if there’s anything she can do and I tell her to please put a leash on her dog. However rather than doing that she starts telling me over and over how friendly and safe the dog is and I just kinda shut her out just asking her to please leave. So she does. I sit in the grass for a good 10-15 minutes probably trying to calm myself down, feeling incredibly ashamed and guilty over having such a big emotional reaction which is of course not helping me calm down.

As I’m trying to muster the courage to get up and walk the remaining 2 minutes back home the lady returns without the dog and again asks if she can do something to help (which was actually really nice of her but in the moment it just made things worse as I felt pressured to ”feel better” for the sake of easing her discomfort) I kept telling her

”Thank you but no, I just need some time to calm down”

After going back and forth a bit she eventually leaves and after an additional 5-10 minutes I’m able to get back up, finish my walk and return to the safety of my home where I break down in tears. Ashamed of my reaction but also just so angry.

Listen, dog people, I get it. Your pup is probably super well trained and wouldn’t hurt a fly. I believe you, but just because you know they’re well behaved doesn’t mean other people know. Even if they know fear can be incredibly irrational and difficult to control. It should be obvious that in shared public spaces you should be respectful of others by leashing your dog. There are dedicated spaces for dogs to run about without a leash but on your daily walk where you have a high likelyhood of encountering lots of people is not that space. It’s unsafe not only for others but for your dog. Some people may attempt to attack your dog out of fear in order to defend themselves.

So please, for the safety and well-being of everyone, just leash your dog

#rant post #personal rant #unpopular opinion maybe?#just leash your damn dog #mental health #personal #dogs #dog ownership

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darkestescapes · 2 years

Note

Saw your ask is open. Can I request you a jk fic where he cheated on you so you tried to leave him but he's adamant to keep you

My first anon ask! Woo-hoo!! 🖤 Hope you like it. Since I don't have a lot to go on I just used my imagination.

Warnings: Yan!JK x Fem! Reader. Toxic toxic toxic. But we love toxic JK don't we ;). JK locked reader in the house. Forced proximity? Implied fucking at the end, nothing specific. I'm not someone who likes the idea of cheating (being cheated on myself) but it's JK so.

"WHAT THE FUCK JK" you yell in annoyance after seeing him put your clothes back into the closet that you'd thrown into the first suitcase you could find.

"You're not going anywhere" he says calmly. He continues to put your clothes back while you stand in front of the bathroom door fuming at this man who vowed to love you forever.

"Fine then" you say and grab your shoes and make a run to the door. JK huffs in annoyance and puts the suitcase away, this time somewhere you won't find it easily.

You half wear your shoes and try entering the pass code of the door, try pulling the door, try kicking it but nothing works. Damn that sly sexy fucker.

Groaning in anger you sit on the ground and put your head in your hands.

"I'm sorry" JK leans his forehead on your shoulder. You laugh bitterly and remove your shoes and jacket and throw them on the ground with as much force as you can muster.

"I'm sorry? Is that the best you can come up with? What exactly are you sorry for Koo? Locking me inside this house? Or throwing my things back into place without asking me? Or for cheating on me? I left everything and everyone for you, because you're all that needed and you'd convinced me so well and I blindly followed you everywhere like a lost puppy. But I guess you weren't just happy with me were you?"

"No baby it's not like that" he says coming closer to you and grabbing your wrists in his fingers. You place your palms on his stomach and try to push him away but he just keeps pulling you closer till he's hugging you tightly. "She just came onto me, I ignored her as much as I could reall-"

"So she just happened to come onto your dick huh" you say sadly.

"I'm sorry, baby I truly am. I love you too much I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I only love you, I'll never leave you again to go out with my stupid friends. I'll stop talking to them too I promise. I love you. Let me show you how much I do" he whispers the last part in your ear.

You close your eyes and feel his hand circle you waist, the other coming to move your face to give him access to your throat. God you love it when he holds you close and kisses you all over.

Frankly speaking you aren't surprised someone tried something with JK, what did shock you was that he actually went along with it. God it makes your blood boil to think someone even had the guts to take him from you.

Grabbing his cheeks with your palms and rising to your feet you smash your lips on to his. If you want him to forget that bitch, you gotta fuck him like your life depends on it.

Pushing him on the couch you remove your top and straddle his lap. Gently moving his hair away from his face you lick your lips and kiss him again and then you kiss his neck and his chest and his abs and fuck him so good neither of you want to stop till you physically cannot fuck anymore.

#yandere #yandere reader #male yandere #yandere male x reader #jungkook smut #yandere bts #jungkook brainrot #yandere jungkook #yandere jungkook x reader #yandere jungkook smut #toxic relationship

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mrs-johansson · 8 months

Text

Chapter 6 - Dark Phoenix II - Emergence of conflagration

Part 1:

“It’s our biggest sighting of Klaue in six months. Our destination is Casablanca, Morocco. We all know he operates mainly in Africa. Our sensors have found Vibranium in the biggest amount yet. Our mission is to retrieve the Vibranium. Klaue has become one of our highest priority targets, if anyone messes up this mission I will fire them myself, understood?” Looked around the room of agents. There were about 10 agents plus Sam and Natasha. “We leave 0500 sharp. Vibranium is the strongest metal on Earth, so prepare yourself.” Everyone stood up and took their files before leaving the conference room. “I’d hate you to be my boss,” Sam walked up to me. “I am your boss,” I chuckled dryly knowing he still doesn’t think I’m his boss. “Okay, fine. Is there anything else for the mission? I’d like to be prepared,” he said and I looked up from the leftover papers. “You know your way around raids, we can use your experience with this many recruits. You have to take this seriously, Sam. I count on you in this one,” I said and he dropped his smile and put on a serious face instead. “Absolutely, thank you for trusting me with this.” I gave him a small smile and patted his shoulder before he left.

“Any notes for me?” Natasha leaned against the table, crossing her arms in front of her chest, a slight smirk on her lips. I looked her up and down before going back to the papers. “Notes… Romanoff, I don’t know if I could give you any useful advice. Just don’t vandalize my mission, I heard that’s kind of your thing,” I said without looking at her otherwise I would have laughed straight away. “Yeah, that’d be fun though. Anyway, I was thinking you and Katarina could come over later. I’ve got something for her,” she suggested and I chucked. “Natalia, you have to stop buying her new stuff every week,” I grabbed the papers and made my way to my office, Natasha following close behind. “But I love seeing her face when she's surprised. Y/n, she stopped abnormally fast, we need to spoil her while we can,” her arm gently snuck around my waist pulling me closer so she could leave a kiss on the side of my head. A smile came along my face feeling so much happiness and calmness in our relationship.

The last 6 months were a growing experience. Natasha and I started going to couples counseling. It was my idea and Nat was pretty skeptical about it at first, she needed some convincing but eventually she agreed to do it. After six months of doing it, she actually became fond of it. It keeps us in line I think.

Natasha and I haven’t moved in together yet which I think was a healthy balance to our relationship. We made sure to build it up securely and honestly, trying to be as independent as possible while also being in a loving relationship.

Of course, we spent all of our free time just us two and Katarina. We always try to spend some quality time together, either going to the zoo or some museum that Katarina could enjoy too.

So that’s been great, I love our relationship and I feel like we will be good.

Katarina had stopped growing fast and since the surgery, her hearing and speaking abilities became better and better. She’s gonna turn 4 in just a month and she’s the most amazing little human. Nowadays, she talks your ear off if you’re not careful enough. It became a tradition that every time Natasha was over at our place, Rina read Nat a chapter of Harry Potter.

Her abilities still don't fail to amuse us. She’s reading like she’s in high school and her vocabulary is insanely high. My dad has offered that he could teach her physics and math but I denied it. She’s 4. I want her to have a childhood. Watch her play the snow carelessly, scrape her knee on the playground, cry because she can’t stay up too late, or smudge her face into her birthday cake. I don’t want her to grow too fast unnecessarily. She deserves every little moment there’s to enjoy.

“What did you get her?” I asked Natasha while we entered my office. She took a seat in my chair very quickly. “A set of the Harry Potter movies. Special edition,” my mouth fell open, and looked right at her. “I wanted to get that for Christmas. Oh my god, you have to stop at least until her birthday. You’re gonna steal all my gift ideas,” I said. I packed away all the files and got my bag. “Fine. Ready to go?” She turned with the chair but did not care to stand up. “Just one more thing,” she stood up and closed the door before turning on the shades in the glass windows. “What are you doing?” I asked and she just walked back to me and took the bag out of my hand, dropping it to the ground, making me gasp. “That’s a really nice bag, why would-“ She cut me off with a kiss. Very unexpected at the moment but not complaining.

Her hands were quick to get a grip on my waist, moving to the edge of the table. I pulled myself back for a second, taking heavy breaths. “We need to pick up, Katarina,” I panted. “We have an hour, calm down,” Natasha kissed down my neck, hands roaming my body. “Thank god, I couldn’t have left this room,” I put my hands on her face and pulled her back into a kiss.

***

“I have to make this room soundproof,” I mumbled to Nat as she closed the door behind us. “Maybe next time keep it down a notch,” she bumped her shoulder to mine with a smirk on her face. “Maybe next time-“ “I hate that my office is next to yours,” Maria walked past us.

After I basically ran to the car and Natasha took her sweet time we finally made our way to Katarina’s school and picked her up. I ordered the groceries on the way and once we got to Natasha’s place it just arrived.

Rina ran inside the apartment as Nat chased her while I took the groceries from the delivery guy. “Wow, I’ve never delivered anything to an Avenger, you guys are really cool. Thanks for keeping us safe,” said the man, and I appreciated how nice he said it. “Our pleasure,” I smiled at him. “Is it possible for me to take a picture with you?” He asked a little hesitantly. “Of course, no problem,” I stood next to him and we took a picture before he said thank you and left.

“Was there a problem with the order?” Asked Natasha as I entered the kitchen. “No, he just wanted to take a picture with me. He was really nice,” I said.

Unpacked all the stuff we ordered and after a little while I cooked something real quick, not in the mood to make anything big. We sat down and ate then Nat spoke up.

“I’ve got something for you,” she said, pinching Katarina’s side. The little girl’s eyes widened and a big smile appeared on her face. “Really?” She asked. “Yup, stay here,” Nat stood up and went off to her room and a couple of seconds later walked out with a bag in her hand and a cheeky smile on. “What is it?” Asked my daughter curiously. Natasha handed her the bag and Katarina was quick to rip open the box and when she saw it she gasped loudly.

“Oh my god, yes!” She said excitedly and observed the package of Harry Potter movies like it’s a treasure. “Thank you,” Rina jumped out of her seat and was quick to shower Natasha with hugs and kisses. “You’re welcome, baby,” she kissed her head while hugging her close. “I love you, Natty,” Katarina mumbled against Nat’s shoulder and the smile that pulled on the redhead’s face was remarkable. “I love you too, Bean.”

The rest of the day went by really fast. Clint was nice enough to take Katarina to school so I could go to the mission in time so at 4 am sharp I was already at the HQ, preparing for our departure. Got my guns and knives ready and met with Nat and Sam at the deck ten minutes before 5.

“Be aware of the trainees. I don’t want any of them to mess this up or get killed on my watch, but stick to your mission too. Be safe and don’t do anything stupid,” I said to the two of them. “She’s talking to you,” Sam glanced at Natasha who scoffed at this. “She’s definitely talking to you,” she said. “I’m talking to both of you.”

At 5 we took off with the team, flying straight to Morocco. Our estimated arrival was 6 which was successful thank god because I didn’t want them to slip away this time.

“Sam, I’ve got you new glasses, you have to wear these,” I handed him a box and he took it with a smile. “Wow, a present for me,” he opened it but the smile dropped from his face. “They look the same,” he said. “Yeah, but they have a Vibranium sensor in them. It detects metal, which makes our job a little easier.”

“Okay everyone, it’s showtime. Team R leaves first then Team W and then Team S. Comms are on at all times, you see something you share, yeah? Don’t die,” I said then we were ready to go.

Nat left first with her team then Sam and lastly me. I was very protective of this mission because I’ve been after Klaue for the last six months and he always seemed to be two steps ahead of me.

I neared the main entrance with four agents behind me, Nat and Sam’s teams already making their way inside.

It was a bigger building than these compounds usually look. Security was way more advanced and a lot more guarded. “We can get through, but there are way more guards than we expected, Y/n,” heard Natasha over the comms. “Yeah, I got that. But I’m not leaving until I have Klaue.” “You’re the boss.”

#gxg #black widow x female reader #black widow x reader #black widow x you #marvel #natasha romanoff #black widow #black widow x y/n #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #black widow x stark!reader #natasha romanoff x stark!reader #natasha romanoff x female reader #natasha romanoff x female #natasha romanoff imagines #y/n stark #stark!reader #sam wilson

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13as07 · 7 months

Text

Patience #2.5

(Jiraiya Smut)

[Art work is not mine! Credit to hageeeeeee]

Requested by: Myself

Word Count: 6,357

Warnings and/or Pre-Notes:

Part 2 from Jiraiya's POV

Oral/Fingering/Masturbation

Hair Pulling

Nick Names: Little One, Sweetheart, Sweet Girl/Thing, Sensei, Obedient Girl, Pillow Princess, Tease

Praising/Soft Domination

Power Difference/Age Gap (Teacher/Student)

Exhibitionism (public sex)

Hickies/Bite Marks

Thigh Shots/Creampie

Vibrating Panties

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My hands trail over my student's back as she sleeps, napping like I told her to. I fully intended to nap too, but the Sweet Girl keeps squirming in her sleep, clenching and rubbing against my dick buried in her.

Even if she was a still sleeper, I wouldn't be able to sleep. Tsunade is never going to let me hear the end of it when we get home. That, and I'll owe Naruto three thousand yen. My old student was convinced I was going to 'go full pervy sage mood' with my new student. And he was right.

When the Sweet Thing shifts again my eyes flicker down to her. She's adorable, curled up on top of me as she clings to my chest. "Jiraiya-Sensei?" She calls, sleep still evident in her voice. My Sweetheart sits up, her fingers sliding against a valley of my scar, sending new mellow shocks of pain through my chest.

"Hello, Little One," I answer back, watching her shift upward. The Sweet Thing clenches around me as she moves, jump-starting my hips. "How'd you sleep?" I ask, circling my hips slowly. I know she's fine to take me, courtesy of me being buried in her for the past few hours and the juices that have been dribbling out of her on occasion. Just because she's physically ready doesn't mean she is mentally. Not everyone wants to be fucked awake.

"I..." she starts, mouth hanging a bit as she looks down at me. My Little One is back to her wide eyes, 'please fuck me' look that was driving me crazy earlier today. "I slept..." a whimper tumbles from her lips, more desperation for me swirling on her face. "Good. How'd... you sleep?"

"I slept good, Sweetheart," I lie through my teeth. I don't want her to know she kept me awake. My heart swells a bit at the question, a small reminder of how sweet my kunoichi is.

My hands fall to her thighs, fingers wrapping around her flesh to tug her off of me, mindset to settling her on my chest again. I like the way it burned, having her cunt drip into my scar. Plus, I want to taste her again, to bury my head between her thighs, to hear her call for me in need. "What are you doing?" My Little One almost cries, her desperation for me no longer only present on her face. "Sensei, you said - "

"I know, my Sweet Girl," I coo, trying to calm her down. At this rate, my youthful student is going to have me feeling my age. I have the sex drive of a dog, but I'm starting to think my kunoichi has the sex drive of a rabbit. "I'll fuck you, I promise. I just need to prep you again," I half lie. She doesn't need it, proven by her pulsing around me on repeat, but it wouldn't hurt to warm her up a bit.

I flip us over, resting my Sweet Thing on her back as I hover over her. She looks cuter balled up under me, being engulfed by my form. I start us off slow, littering kisses down her stomach, enjoying the taste of her skin against my lips. By the time I get to her legs, the Pillow Princess is antsy, squirming around as I shift myself lower, continuing to press kisses into her as I line myself up to her pussy.

My eyes settle on her wetness, enjoying the sight of her arousal and the way she gaps for me. The thought of filling her up and enjoying the sight of her pussy spilling over flutters through my mind, giving me the mental note to talk to her about my infertility and her comfort level of me cumming in her. That's a discussion for another time though.

I stay locked on the beautiful sigh as I slither my tongue out, focusing on her clit right away. I flick it once before running down her folds, lapping up the mess that built during her nap.

"Sensei," my Princess calls as her fingers bury into my hair. My dick twitches at the small movement, quickly reminding me how much I like my hair pulled.

"Sweetheart," I call back, making sure the vibrations rub against her clit. Her hips jerk, forcing my face further into her pussy.

From there, my Little One takes her eat-out into her own hands, keeping my head still as she grinds against my face. I laugh a bit at the sight, enjoying every second of her desperation to get off. I decide to help the horny youngster out, shifting my hold to her legs to lift her, offering a better angle for her to ride my face.

I continue licking at her, doing my best to keep pace with her unrhythmic hips. "Sensei?! Jiraiya?!" She whines, her breath picking up as her orgasm approaches. My student looks adorable like this, eagerly riding my face, head thrown back with her titties pushed out as she yearns for me.

"Little One?" I respond, shifting my focus to her hole, hoping it'll help her neediness. I focus on running my tongue along her insides, mentally tallying what spots get the best noises out of her. I occasionally bump her clit with my nose too, encouraging her cum to spill out so I can taste it again.

I slide my tongue over a new spot, getting rewarded with a few things. My name called, my head pressed down again, and her cunt clenching as she comes undone. There it is, my Sweet Girl's g-spot. "Sensei? Sensei? Sensei?!" My student moans out the melody of my hard work.

"Sweetheart, Sweetheart, Sweetheart," I tease, mimicking her sweet sounds before lapping up the fresh cum coating her pussy.

"Sensei?" Princess whines, fingers so tight around my hair that I'm a tad bit worried she'll hurt herself. "Please?" She continues to whine, tugging on me.

The pull of my hair makes me twitch again as I give in to her wants, crawling up her body. I laugh again when her face falls into view. She's adorable because of how eager she is. It reminds me of someone seeing the ocean for the first time.

I hover over my Little One, watching as her mess falls from my face, coating her dusty pink cheeks in her arousal. The sight is almost enough to make me cum now. My hands cup her knees, spreading her open even more so I can fit against her. "Hello again, Little One," I murmur, soaking in her softness.

Her little innocent act gets me way too hard, way too quickly. The Sweet Girl's desperation is rubbing off of me, making my balls feel heavy as I rest against her. I bend down, bumping her nose so more of her cum covers her cheeks before I kiss her.

I want her to taste herself, to know how good she tastes, how addictive she is. It's solely a selfish act, sliding my tongue past her lips, sucking on hers so her taste is forced against her tastebuds, but I don't care. I deserve a selfish act now and again.

My fingers dig into her knees, bending them up to her head so my Sweetheart's pussy is on display for me. "You're doing so good," I tell her as I sink into her cunt.

My Little One feels so good, wrapped around my deprived dick. My focus is set, trying my best not to pound the life out of her. There's plenty of time to ruin her ability to walk, but for now, I need to be gentle, to be sweet, so my Princess can enjoy our first time together.

Despite it being a bad decision, I decide to shift my gaze down, watching her pussy cling to my cock. My nerves shift to my fingers, clinging to the back of her thighs to stretch her out more, hoping it'll calm my want to let loose.

"Sensei, it hurts," My Obedient Girl whines, laying out another boundary.

"I'm sorry, Sweet Girl," I apologize, adding the thought of flexibility training to my mental note list. I like her pressed like this, I like getting to see her face and her pussy stretching at the same time, but my Princess needs to be comfortable.

I drop her legs down, scooping up her waist before switching our positions again. I settle my Little One on top of me again, resting her back into our nap-time position. "Be a good student and bounce on your Sensei's dick," I encourage, causing my Sweet Girl to clench around me again.

The encouragement gets me what I want, my student eagerly riding my cock like the sex-driven rabbit she is. Her hands settle into my scar again, clinging to some of the valleys as she bounces. "My perfect Obedient Girl. You feel so good wrapped around me," I praise, holding her hands as I enjoy the small rest.

Just as I figured, the rest doesn't last long, dissatisfaction coating my Sweet Thing's face as her speed picks up. A whimper spills from her, my name quickly following the noise. "Please?" She whines head tilted as she looks down at me.

"Please what? Is my pillow princess upset I put her on top?" Another chuckle roars through my chest, my Little One already playing me like a fiddle.

I pick up her hands, quickly pressing eight kisses against them, coating each one of her knuckles. I lift her off of me again, my tip red and angry from the lost satisfaction. "I suppose I can't complain if I keep complying," I confess, settling my Sweetheart on all fours before I shift behind her.

She looks hot in this position, her cute butt arched up to show off her soaked pussy. I thrust back into her, setting the pace faster than her bounce. Her hips jerk backward, verifying her whine to get off was from the lack of speed she could muster. My hands drop down, pressing into her sides so I can maneuver her alongside my thrusts.

"Look at me, Sweetheart," I order, trying to keep my desperation out of my voice. I want to see her, watch her face shifting from the pleasure I'm giving her, see her big doe eyes staring up at me with need.

My Obedient Girl does as she's told, arching her back as her head tilts back. The arch lets me sink into her further, quickly shoving me closer to the finish line. My sight skates over her body before settling on her eyes. When our eyes lock, I'm a goner. "Fuck, Little One," I mutter, reluctantly pulling myself out of her.

I hunch over, still clinging to her as my cum paints her thighs. A moan tumble from my lips as my dick twitches against her legs, continuing to lay claim to my student. "Good job, Sweetheart. You did a really good job. Your sensei is proud of you," I praise, sliding my hands down to rub her stomach as I catch my breath.

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I can feel the desperation seeping out of my student. She's a hot mess today, the lack of attention finally boiling over. "Jiraiya," she whimpers, her nails digging into my arm as she begs for my attention. I rub my thumb over her knee, trying to ignore my growing hard-on as I focus on the information Riku is filling me in on.

We're in the Mist Village for a reason. We are here to collect information on the new strand of Paeon flowers being grown. We are here to bring information back to Tsunade for her medical research. We are -

"Sensei?" My Little One almost cries, her voice strained as she wraps her fingers around mine, desperately trying to tug my hand up to her waistband. Her tone makes my dick pulse, quickly breaking what little concentration I have left.

Why did I have to be right about her having the sex drive of a rabbit? Why haven't I tried harder to teach her some patience? Why have I given in to her every whim?

Because she's young, so her hormones reflect that. Because I like how desperate and needy she is, how willing she is to fuck me wherever, whenever. Because my name tumbling from her lips and her taste is intoxicating enough that I understand the mindset of an addict now.

I squeeze her knee and shoot her a glare, a nonverbal order to calm herself down. I shift in my seat, shoving down my arousal as I try to calm myself too. My eyes settle back on Riku, taking in the information he's sharing.

My princess's fingers tangle into my hair, tugging on it as she whines my name again. My jaw clenches as I quickly start losing my composure. I can't tell her no when she acts like this, when she tries so needly to get my attention, when she's throwing herself at me, and only me. Why does my kunoichi have to be so youthful? So packed full of those uncontrollable hormones?

"What an antsy kunoichi you have, Jiraiya boy. I don't know how you keep your wits about you," Riku chuckles, causing my glare to snap towards him.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I hiss, my hand clenching my Little One's knee harder. What is Riku thinking? That he has a chance? Over my dead body.

"Calm down," he continues to laugh, a smug smile on his face as he rolls his eyes at me. Riku is one of my longest-lasting allies, I shouldn't be surprised he reads through me so easily. Easy enough to poke at my unneeded protectiveness. "I just know your students tend to have more energy than they know what to do with," he finishes, continuing to eye my kunoichi, quickly bubbling up more of my jealousy.

He needs to back off. Is he blind? Does he not see how desperately she clings to me? How desperately she whines for me? Riku has as much of a chance of getting my student in bed as Orochimaru does.

I glare at him, at least until my Sweetheart's legs rub together, squeezing my hand between her knees. My eyes jump down to her, taking in the discomfort on her face.

My poor Princess, the lack of attention today must be killing her. I don't care who knows I'm sleeping with her, I'll announce it to the whole world if she wants, but that doesn't mean our work can take a back burner to our growing relationship.

We're Shinobis, our missions have to be completed and at the moment they require communication with other Shinobis. It's not exactly appropriate to have my tongue shoved down her throat or my teeth sink into her neck during a business meeting.

"You're not wrong, I tend to have chakra balls for students. Do you mind excusing us for a few minutes?" I finally respond, turning my attention back to Riku, who's still eyeing my student. I swear to the Lord above I could knock his teeth out.

"Enjoy your walk," he huffs, waving us away as he sulks in his disappointment. God, he should be disappointed. She's my Sweet Girl, not his. If Riku wants a student so bad he should get one himself instead of trying to steal mine.

My hand jumps from my student's knee to her arm, clinging to it as I climb out of my chair, tugging her along with me. She stumbles behind me, hands occasionally pressing to my back as her balance shifts in and out.

Whether her balance is offset from my grip or from the cloak she's swimming in doesn't matter at the moment. If Riku doesn't stop undressing her with his eyes, I'll burn the cloak so my Princess has to show off my love marks.

"We're going on a walk?" The Sweet Thing asks, hands leaving my back now that I'm not tugging her around as roughly.

"No," I answer shortly, heading toward the bathroom. We're not going on a walk, we're going to the bathroom so I fuck her neediness out of her, so I can stop her little whines that have hooked Riku's attention.

"But what's his face said - "

"When I was training Naruto, sometimes he would get antsy at the table," I start explaining, my jealousy washing out of my chest. Why was I so worried? My Sweetheart couldn't even be bothered to remember Riku's name. "I would excuse us and take him on a walk or practice a jutsu or two outside so he could burn off some energy,"

"But I'm not antsy, I'm - "

"I know," I say, cutting her off again. I'm pulsing with need as we stand outside the bathroom. When I force my Sweet Thing to look at me, my dick only gets angrier with the lack of attention it's getting. "You, Little One, have the sex drive expected for someone of your age. I have given into every single whine for me you've spilled. Today, I have not, so now your hormones are going crazy because I went from answering every beck and call to barely touching you. You, my Sweet Girl, are beyond pampered."

The short explanation makes her thighs rub together, only further enforcing my observations throughout the day. "I'm sorry. I just... need you, Sensei," the words tumble from my Princess, coated in whines as her legs continue to rub together for stimulation.

I cling to her hips, shoving the bathroom door open as I drag her inside. "Dear lord, Sweetheart. You're killing me," I confess, my desperation quickly catching up with hers.

"How am I killing you, Sensei?" She asks the very obvious question. My Little One stands on her tippy toes, rubbing her clothed pussy against me. Her eyes are blown out, filled with that fake naiveness she wears so well. I swear she knows what it does to me with how often she uses her nifty little trick to get what she wants.

"Your little whines," I start spilling the answer, hands clinging to her legs once again. "How desperately you grip at me," I continue, walking us over to the counter. "The way your thighs rub together in need, your big doe eyes you keep staring at me with. You're not a Princess, you're a tease," I finish, setting her on the counter. She looks so pretty, so fuck-able perched like this.

I shove the collar of her cloak out of the way, instantly latching myself to her neck. I'll make sure Riku knows we didn't go on a walk, make sure he knows my student is whiney for my dick, and not because she can't control her chakra levels.

"Sensei, I'm going to look terrible. Stop leaving hickies." The whine is followed by the familiar feeling of fingertips tangling and tugging on my hair.

I hate the request, I hate not being able to chip more of my admiration into her skin. I still pull back, dragging the patch of skin between my lips with me as much as I can, soaking in as much of the moment as I can. I make a mental tally to talk to her about it, to figure out what she doesn't like about it, to figure out how to make her comfortable enough that I can keep leaving proof of my obsession with her littered across her body.

"You look gorgeous with them, Sweetheart. So gorgeous," I coo, hoping the gentle reinforcement will help our conversation tonight about the markings I leave.

I quickly tug her pants down to her knees, wasting no time shoving my hand down her panties and thrusting two fingers into her. Whines spill from her, quickly being replaced by mewls when I pace circles into her clit that match the thrusts of my fingers. "Be quiet, Sweet Thing," I order, shoving her panties down to join her pants.

"I know you're not completely ready, Princess, but I know you can take me. You can take all of me," I spill out, not satisfied with the half-assed prep I gave her. My student needs more preparation, she needs to be stretched more and wetter but time is not our friend right now.

I line myself up to her cunt, resting my tip against her. I settle a hand on the counter, supporting my weight as I cling to her hair, stretching out her neck. It takes everything in me not to sink my teeth into her throat.

When I dip into her, I give in to my wants. I continue marking her throat and her titties, sucking and nipping more bruises into her. This isn't how I treat my Sweetheart. If she says no, I don't do it, no matter what. She's precious, perfect, intoxicating. She tells me to jump and I ask how high.

But I can't help it. Not being able to pay attention to my pretty perfect student has been weighing on me as much as it's been weighing on her. I'll apologize to her later, I'll beg on my knees for forgiveness if I have to, I'll give her the whole world to make up for my selfishness. But for now, I'll rut into her like the horn dog I am, I'll suck proof of me into her so Riku sees me on every inch of her skin.

"Sensei?" My Princess whines, making my lips lag against her breasts.

Her fingers wrap around my hand pressed into the counter, trying to tug it towards her. I give her what she wants, it's the least I can do for ignoring her boundary. My fingers ghost over her clit, getting me as much of a jerk of her hips as she can manage under my weight.

My thrusts slow, my focus shifting from my need to fill her to my need to please her. I'm a top shinobi, a legendary sannin, and yet here I am, desperately trying to please my student as I chase my high. I'm acting like a schoolboy getting his dick wet for the first time. It's almost humiliating.

I pull my mouth off her neck, shifting up to capture her lips. I shove my tongue into her mouth, continuing my selfish streak, pounding her faster as I French her. My Sweet Girl's sounds filter into my mouth, her eyes glossed over as she looks at me. That does it, her needy eyes break me once again.

My thrusts stutter, shoving myself into her again. I could fill her up, have my cum leak out of her at the table, the biggest 'back off' possible. But I can't do that, I can't watch her panic during dinner because I don't have the time right now to explain to her I physically can't get her pregnant.

"Jiraiya," she whines when I pull out, making me second-guess my choice. My student desperately pulls on me, nails digging into my shoulders as I coat her thighs again. Her thighs are always so pretty covered in my semen. I need to remember to take a picture of the sight one of these days.

"You need to learn to be patient," I mutter, tucking myself back into my pants.

My mind is running wild. How long have we been in here? Longer than a walk? Is Riku even still in the restaurant? How pissed is Tsunade going to be if I miss out on some information?

I litter my Sweet Girl's face in kisses, the best aftercare we can afford on our time crunch. She's disappointed and unsatisfied with my selfish act and it makes me feel terrible. This isn't how I treat my Sweetheart. She gets the world, she gets her high every time, she gets fucked until her needs are filled, and then she gets coddled like the baby she is.

"Be a good Obedient Girl at dinner and I'll fuck as long as you want tonight. Be patient," I almost beg, quickly working on straightening her clothes.

I litter more kisses across her, desperately trying to apologize through my actions. It almost hurts to see her disappointment. This is embarrassing and humiliating how much of a dog I act like when it comes to my kunoichi.

"Sensei, you didn't clean me up," she whines, as needy as ever. She squirms, my cum quickly soaking through her clothing, further proving that she is mine. My Princess, my student, my kunoichi.

"You'll be fine. It'll be a nice reminder to behave," I rush out, peaking her lips before setting her back on the ground. I tighten her cloak around her, making a mental note to take a relaxing bath once we're done here. I can't have my Sweetheart ill because I don't have time to clean up my messes.

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I swear my kunoichi is going to be the death of me. I don't know how she seems to have more stamina than me, but she manages to. It's been difficult keeping up with her needs and gently training her to control herself. It's been even more difficult reminding myself not to cave to her every whine and whimper.

Though, my Sweetheart is the muse for my next book. The plot is already in the works, unfolding in front of my eyes. Our lovely heroin that is oblivious to the addiction her love interest has for her. Quite the fitting story for my next book.

Despite the motivation spilling for my student, I have tried to manage her needs. My newest attempt is the pair of vibrating panties I stumbled upon last night. I didn't stumble upon them, I was actively looking for a toy with hopes it would help my hormonal rabbit that clings to me like I'm oxygen. It just so happened I stumbled upon the panties before anything else.

They seem to be working. My Sweetheart has been clingy, but less needy than normal. It seems to be enough to hold her over when her needs spark throughout the day.

I have decided Riku is useless and that I'll take the lecture from Tsunade. Because of that, I reached out to Yuma for information instead. He's just as knowledgeable as Riku and works in the same department within his village, with a lot fewer wandering eyes.

"Anyway, how are you enjoying the village?" He asks, turning to my student.

My Little One's eyes are cast down, her sight on the ground as she focuses on keeping her noises in. That's my fault, I turned her new toy on when we first met up with Yuma, hoping it would keep her in check, which it has.

I poke her with my elbow, turning the speed up to mess with her. She's been getting pleasure all day long, so I deserve the gentle teasing. "You were asked a question."

My Sweet Girl's eyes jump up, silent pleas filtering to me before she turns towards Yuma. "I..." her jaw clenches, eyes fluttering at the new speed. "Didn't hear you," she finishes, squirming as her eyes keep jumping back to me.

"How are you enjoying the village? I hope the civilians have been treating you well," Yuma repeats, smiling down at my kunoichi. He's a teacher, more stereotypical than me, getting new students every couple of years instead of randomly finding them.

"It's been good. I like getting to go swimming when we're not busy and such." During her answer I cut off the toy, giving her a breather. Not for long though. "I also- "

Mid-sentence I click it back on, watching my Sweetheart snap her mouth shut again, eyes fluttering back to me. My sweet Obedient Girl, so eager for my touch and approval.

"You also what?" Yuma coos in his teacher voice, trying to seem like a calm and safe place like he does for his students.

"I... um... there's some really good... teriyaki chicken at... I don't know," the words slowly tumble out of my Princess, her jaw repeatedly clicking shut and eyes still desperately shooting toward me. Good, she can feel as desperate for me as I do for her.

Yuma sends her another comforting smile before tugging his attention away from her. "You got a shy student for once. That must be a nice change of pace."

The falsehood of the statement makes me laugh before I can stop myself. She's not shy, she's stimulated and humiliated by the possibility of cumming without me ever touching her. "Something like that," I answer, turning the toy off again. I soak in the mixed emotions on her face, enjoying the look as Yuma goes back to our discussion.

My Sweet Girl wraps her hands around my arm, shoving herself against me as she clings. I can feel her eyes baring into me, the soft vibrations of unheard whines buzzing from her throat against my arm. Buzzes that sink to my balls, kickstarting my arousal.

As a soft payback, I turn her toy back on, maxing out the speed from the start. My student wiggles closer to me, her legs wrapping around mine as she softly humps me. This is a new level of desperation, a new level that quickly rushes blood to my penis. "Jiraiya? Sensei?" She calls, her whines finally bubbling through.

I jerk to the side, ready to grab at my Sweetheart to stop the hair tug that usually follows. I lock her wrists in my hand, the attempt to slow down my arousal doing the opposite. The sight of both her wrists knotted in one hand makes me ache. Her eyes flicker up with their usual 'fuck me please' look in them. The bow that manages to play me like a fiddle every time.

"I'm sorry," I rush out, turning my sight back to Yuma after warning my kunoichi to calm down, just for the time being. "My kunoichi gets moody when she's hungry," I half-lie, my Sweet Girl does get moody when she's hungry but she's not hungry right now. At least not for food.

"Oh, that's no problem at all. I tend to get a bit hangry myself," Yuma says, smiling down at my student again.

I tug on my Princess, motioning towards our ally in hopes she'll take the hint. "I'm sorry," she mutters, jaw clinking shut again. "Sir," she adds, tugging slightly on the hold I have on her.

I drop my hold on her, set on quickly leaving our meeting. "I should get her some food. We can continue later," I mutter, quickly piecing together a time for our next meeting. Maybe I'll ask him to drinks and leave my Sweetheart at the hotel.

As soon as Yuma's 'goodbye' is muttered, I'm back to gripping the Sweet Thing's wrist. I tug her behind me, turning her toy back on so she can squirm around with the neediness that's a constant distraction.

"Sensei, I'm not hungry," she utters, back to clinging and trying to hump me as we walk down the road.

My eyes flicker down to her, taking in the sight. A smile crawls on my face at the scene, at the way her fingers cling to my arm, at the way her hips rub against mine. "Yes, you are. Just not in that way," I tease, tugging her to the left. "You've been so good today," I coo, leading her down the empty dead-end road. "Let's see how much longer you can be good."

"What? Jiraiya?" My student hisses, disappointment coating her face. My heart sinks at the sight. I hate leaving her disappointed but she needs to learn we can't drop everything every time her pussy tingles.

"Hush now, Little One," I continue to coo, scanning the space for any stragglers. The buzzing of her vibrator fills my ears, reminding me how heavy my balls are. I want to cum, I want to dump my load into her cunt, I want to see my semen leaking out of her desperate pussy. "You're doing so good. Keep being an Obedient Girl, okay?" I encourage her, moving forward so she's stuck between the wall and myself.

Her head tilts up to look at me, forcing me to look into those traps of eyes she has. "I don't want to be obedient. I want you to fuck me," she whimpers, lip popping out in a pout. Her hands snake into my pants, fingertips rubbing against my dick as she releases it from my clothing. "Please fuck me."

I cave too easily, I give her what she wants too easy, my Princess is going to turn rotten if she keeps getting her way. Despite that, my hands cling to her pants, tugging them down just enough to slip myself into her. "No, you're going to be patient. You can't get what you want all the time," I answer back, the command sounding shallow as it spills out.

One of my hands busy themselves, cupping her wrists, pressing them to the wall above her head. My other hand falls in the opposite direction, gripping my dick. My Sweetheart watches intensely, mouth-watering as she watches me rub myself.

I shift forward, rubbing myself through her folds. Her warm slick coats me, making me second guess my decision. How can I tell her no and then tease her so much? How can I tell her no when she squirms every time my tip pokes at her hole? How can I tell her no when all I can think about is the way her cheeks would be coated pink every time a bit of my cum dribbles out of her pussy?

"I can't get what I want all the time but you can? How is that fair?" My kunoichi groans, hips jerking to try and take what she wants.

That does it for me. She wants to talk about fairness? You know what's not fair? Me bending to her every whim, me spending all day hard as a rock because she's so needy, me not being able to cum in her cunt because every waking moment is spent working or with my head buried between her thighs.

"Sweetheart," I whisper into her ear, bending down so my voice is as close as it can get. "I can wait until we're alone in our hotel room to fuck you. You, on the other hand, try to jump my bones every chance you get. You need to learn to be patient, to wait until we're not busy," the words come out hissed, a warning for her to calm down, to get herself under control before I'm no longer in control.

"We're not busy now. Fuck me now. Jiraiya!" She continues to huff, trying to shift her hips down again. "Please?" My Little One continues, starting to crack the hard demeanor I'm trying to keep. I cave just a bit, letting my tip dip into her instead of just poking at her pussy.

"Fine. If you're so desperate to be filled, I'll fill you," I huff back, deciding to be selfish again. If she wants to see unfair, I'll show her unfair. Maybe then she'll be more sweet than spoiled. Maybe she'll be more grateful for the way I cave to her needs.

My Sweetheart turns to the side, lips perched for the kiss she expects. The kiss she's not going to get. She needs to be reminded I spoil her because I want to, not because I have to.

Instead of the kisses I usually pepper across her, I stuff her mouth with my fingers, coating them in saliva as they settle down her throat. My Princess's eyes flicker in surprise. "Suck," I order, starting to move through her folds again, lubing myself up so it's easier to jack off.

My Obedient Girl does as she's told, gently reminding me how much she obeys my orders. Maybe I just need to be more vocal about my needs, maybe my Sweet Girl would be willing to cave to me as well.

Our eyes stay hooked on each other. The mix of them, my dick rubbing against her, and the feeling of her tongue sliding over my fingers is shoving me forward, making my balls clench in their familiar way.

I pull out of her mouth, wrapping my hold around my dick again. Her juices and saliva mix as I rub my length, the tip of my did still buried and twitching in her cunt.

My student's eyes break from me, tumbling down to watch me get off. She squirms at the sight, unhappy with the attention I'm getting instead of her for once.

When my high is close, I shove myself into her, bottoming out. "Sensei?" She whines from the sudden stretch, trying to get out of the hold I have on her.

"Sweetheart, there you go," I groan, spilling over inside of her. I thrust my hips, shoving my cum deeper into her. If my Princess is so needy to be filled, I'll fill her up, fuck myself as deep into her as possible so I trickle out of her for longer. "You're filled up like you asked."

When I still, her hips jump into motion, grinding against me. "That's not how I meant it. You're going to knock me up doing that," she whimpers, her pussy clinging to me counteracting her fake concern. My Sweetheart likes being stuffed as much as I like stuffing her.

"It'll be fine," I mutter, coating her in kisses. "I can't get you pregnant," I shortly explain, noting to have a deeper conversation about it tonight. "We should eat and then go back to our business in the village," I add, priorities back in order as I cover her up again.

"You didn't clean me again," she whines, the usual whine following our quickies.

"I know," I utter, covering myself again too before shifting my kisses to her lips. "I want to watch you squirm as I leak out of you. It'll be another test of your patience," I explain, pressing more kisses to her lips.

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