#Did an episode of the TV show; and a lot of the more familiar background faces from the series can be spotted milling about in the police

[nastyburger]

Please say more about the awful Asian designs in Danny Phantom. I'm not Asian but I'd love to have a rundown on the elements that make them offensive so I can avoid and critique those elements in other works. And also you deserve to speak your mind about it

im gonna mostly talk about southeast asian designs since thats what i am and the most familiar with and also what i feel are the show's worst transgression with their casual depictions. tw for racist imagery im gonna link pictures.

there's not much to say about the designs aside from, you know, everything but things to note are the unnatural yellow tone for the skin and closed slanted eyes. veggie burger (fan name for the bg character in the middle) also suffers from the huge nose that sometimes shows up in racist depictions. the straight edge/cut hair as well is somewhat stereotypical. this one isn't as bad but in conjunction with everything else its not ideal. i will give the smallest molecule of credit that at the very least dp never gave any of these bg characters buck teeth.

some depictions are better than others, but theres still missteps happening in one aspect or another. kwan's eyes in a lot of shots/episodes can be too skinny and even too slanted, the girl in the middle is almost perfect but her skin is too yellow (she looks kinda okay on my computer screen but i remember when watching dp on my tv she looked real brightly yellow), and principle ishiyama (who was weirdly forgotten about pretty early on in the show and was replaced by lancer doing most of the school stuff despite not being principle?? which is a whole other issue with how dp treats its poc characters) the same usual notes about the slanted eyes but also the upturned nose is pretty reminiscent of racist japanese art during ww2. again it is not the worst way to draw a nose but combined with everything else in this show's depiction of asian characters its not great, they are on thin ice man.

not to mention, principle ishiyama is the only character here with brown eyes. this is a problem that extends to all poc characters in dp and to my knowledge i think ishiyama might be the only one with them tbh. this is, again, a whole other issue though.

i think the thing that bothers me most about these designs though is that dp is very clearly aware that these depictions are bad. the only difference between the first set of characters and the second is one singular thing: they have a clear speaking role.

suddenly when theyre not stock background characters, dp knows how to act when drawing them. i cannot for the life of me find the image of it, but the last jock guy in the first set gets a speaking role in reign storm (he's cosplaying phantom) and he is drawn with proper open eyes! (theyre also blue but whatever) it just makes me sad that this was a clear choice they made.

the show also went in a different direction in the final product, but early development stuff was really drawing from a lot of japanese/asian influences like danny was originally gonna have a motorcycle (pulling from ghost in the shell) and was even referenced in the show via the akira motorcycle reference (which i once again, for the life of me, cannot find. danny took johnny 13's motorcycle and did the classic akira slide i think it was in million dollar ghost?? idk whichever one where the giw are trying to blow up the ghost zone). danny's name was originally gonna be jackie, named after jackie chan, this i assume was given to jack fenton afterwards. and i think the show having a more martial arts direction with the action was also gonna be a thing? that one could be wrong dont quote me on that, there was an episode where danny and vlad have like a weird ninja fight though im pretty sure.

either way my point here is that they wanted to pull from all these influences and it was prominent enough during development that they sprinkle references to it throughout the show and yet their portrayal and treatment of asian characters in the show is so abysmal it just feels Bad™, you know? i cant really put it more eloquently than that, like its very take and no give with it.

it overall just puts a bad taste in my mouth, and its sad that it still affects people years later. like i mentioned in the tags of the post that started this discussion with that whole old trend of putting yourself into the bg of dp screenshots, i felt alienated by that. and its not the people who participated's fault obviously but most of the people i saw participating were white fans (going off of how they drew themselves) and it made me a bit mad that they were able to enjoy the style of the show in a more carefree manner than i ever could. i didnt want to ruin anyone's fun obviously, but a small part of me wanted to bring to light how i wasnt on equal ground with them in that situation.

[yujeong]

Analyzing the music of KPTS: The table scene in episode 4

Hello there! So, I was watching the latest episode of My Stand-In and I had the pleasant surprise of hearing a very familiar piece of music by the end of it:

Most people probably won't recognize it, but it was used in KinnPorsche The Series as well, specifically at the infamous table scene in episode 4. Even more specifically, during the moment that Vegas asks Porsche to become his bodyguard and Kinn gets upset with him. It starts when Vegas says "So I have time... to look around" and ends when Tankhun hits him with the tray.

Now, the use of music in TV shows and movies is a very big passion of mine and I've always wanted to analyze it, as posted here. Well, even though I said it's impossible, I'll try it, because it's both a fascinating choice for the scene on its own and with the modifications BOC did. (I added the audio here to make it easier for you to understand what I'll be talking about - I'll be mentioning the seconds in the piece as reference)

Let's begin with the name: Hostile Encounter I don't think I need to explain much. We're watching Kinn and Vegas' "hostile encounter", aka them being bitter bitches to each other. It's great though, because it gives us a lot of context about the rivalry between the main and minor family. So, Vegas talks about how he has time to look around and I love that the music starts playing not when Vegas says the line, but when the camera shows Kinn's face as he's looking at Porsche and then at Vegas in disbelief:

Now here, BOC made the first modification on the piece: the first 10 seconds are playing on a loop, as Vegas gives Porsche some food and Kinn mentions how his bodyguards can take care of themselves. It helps to build up the tension between Vegas and Kinn and it lasts long enough to compliment the dialogue, which isn't yet quite as heavy or charged as later on.

After that, we get the first change in the score and it begins here:

Seconds 10-20 are when Vegas "apologizes" for forgetting how the main family treat their bodyguards in comparison to the minor family. It's the first sentence that truly hits, with an impact big enough to be felt by everyone on the table, bodyguards included. We also get Kinn's reaction:

The violin that's added to the tune helps make the statements feel more impactful. It works wonders for the tension they want to build. Seconds 20-29 are heard when Vegas addresses Porsche, starting the conversation about his bodyguard quitting:

Another layer added to the piece, another layer added to Vegas' behavior. Important note here is how the music becomes louder and the tune is higher than before. It's not low anymore, shimmering beneath the surface and setting the tone. It's loud, it's clear, it pierces through the listeners' ears, it becomes a presence. It honestly feels a little like an alarm - a danger signal - going off. It should be. Vegas is directly antagonizing Kinn. Speaking of which, as you've probably noticed, every escalation of the OST so far is triggered by Vegas' words. He's the one escalating the situation, but it's done slowly and methodically and the music compliments that. It makes it real to the viewer. Which is why the next change to the music happening by Kinn is so important:

Seconds 30-49 play from the moment Kinn interrupts Vegas' question to when he finishes talking - explaining how Tankhun won't let Vegas have Porsche. It's abrupt, it's loud, it's erratic - just like Kinn's reaction in that moment. Also, the tune that was playing when Vegas asked Porsche the question is still playing in the background. Kinn is rattled by Vegas and the music shows that as well. Vegas, however, expected this and the OST supports it. Seconds 49-1:07 are when Vegas smiles at Kinn and tells him to talk to Tankhun for him. It stops here:

The loud instruments stopped playing. Funnily enough, here BOC made the second modification: if you hear both versions, you'll realize there're other organs playing in the original piece, while in the show, there're only the guitar riffs, with a few other faint sounds being heard as well. It's a great one imo, because 1. It brings the point across that Vegas is a scheming bastard who remains in control of himself and the situation and 2. It holds the tension the scene built in place. It seems like a chess game of sorts - each player moving the pieces of the board in a way to win the game. But Vegas stops holding back:

Seconds 1:08-1:17 is when the music changes one last time. BOC did modifications here too, especially by adding the seconds 1:36-1:37 in the end before Tankhun hits Vegas' head. Beautifully executed. In my opinion, this moment is when Vegas truly escalates for the first time, even though it's done indirectly. Not in a subtle way, because Vegas isn't subtle, but by not directly stating what he means. It's enough to shake Kinn though, and God knows what he'd have said if Tankhun didn't interrupt them. Perhaps for the better of everyone present lol. I think I said all I had to say for this scene and the music used. All in all, I want to kiss the person who was responsible for the show's score in the mouth ❤️

[karlyboyyy]

It's Been Three Days

Summary: What I'd like to imagine took place in the days following the events of episode 10 - lots of Kazuki sadness, Rei trying his best, hugs and tears, and talking about feelings. Because we haven't really seen much bonding between the two of them in the show! Fic tags: KazuRei, Angst/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Comfort Wordcount: 5.5k Also on AO3! << It's my first ever post on there :D

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It’s such an odd thing to realize just how quickly you get accustomed to the orchestra of background noises that fill your home on a daily basis. The video game jingle that plays on a loop and gradually speeds up when the player is nearing the end of the race. The soft *ka-tak ka-tak ka-tak* of a kitchen knife chopping vegetables on a wooden cutting board. The rhythmic humming of the washer and dryer, constantly running to keep up with the laundry that seemingly never ends. The half-broken toy that plays that awfully annoying song from that popular children’s television series and doesn’t have an off button. The sweet laughter of a young girl who loves spending the day with her papas...

It’s been three days. Three days since that bittersweet family outing and that final ride on the Ferris wheel. Three days without that familiar orchestra of noises. And man, is that silence deafening.

Rei assumed he’d be able to adjust to the quiet atmosphere pretty easily. “I’m used to this, after all”, he thought, having lived in lonely solitude for years before Kazuki came barreling into his life. But even after Kazuki made himself at home in Rei’s apartment, the two of them hardly spent any actual time together, unless it was related to their work. Kazuki would sometimes attempt to start a conversation as he cooked dinner while Rei played his video games in the living room. But he was lucky if he got more than a few words and the occasional “hm” out of Rei, who would normally have his headset on and couldn’t be bothered to pay much attention to his surroundings. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. The two of them got along well enough to consider each other friends, and they each trusted one another completely. In their line of work, trusting your partner was essential. So, they were work partners and roommates. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, that all changed after Kazuki brought Miri home…

The morning after that ride on the Ferris wheel, Rei woke up before Kazuki. This was odd because Rei could count on one hand the number of times he’s been awake before Kazuki. But that day, he didn’t think too deeply about it. He knew that Kazuki was hurting and figured that leaving him alone to work through his emotions was probably the best thing to do. Besides, Rei had no idea how to comfort Kazuki in this situation and feared that he’d only make things worse if he did or said the wrong thing. So he made himself a bowl of cereal, sat down in front of the tv, and turned on some random program, leaving Kazuki to sleep in a little later.

The show Rei had landed on happened to be one he was familiar with, having watched it with Miri every Saturday morning. “Heh. I should record this for her to watch later.” As he grabbed the remote to set up the recording, the reality of the situation came crashing back toward him like a tidal wave. How could he forget so easily? Miri was gone. Knots began to form in Rei’s stomach and he could feel the onset of a migraine. After deciding to turn off the tv, he tossed the remote onto the couch cushion farthest away from him, pushed his barely eaten bowl of cereal toward the middle of the table, and abruptly plopped his whole body down onto the couch. Lying there, staring at the blank tv screen, he thought to himself, “this… sucks,” before drifting back to sleep. When he awoke several hours later, he noticed that no lights had been turned on, no food was cooking, no laundry was being done… there was nothing but silence. Kazuki hadn’t left his room.

The next morning was pretty much the same. Rei awoke to a quiet house, and the door leading to Kazuki’s bedroom remained closed. “Is he actually in his room, or did he go somewhere without telling me?” Rei wondered. “But if that’s the case, he would’ve left a note like last time… right?” Rei checked the front entry area and saw that Kazuki’s shoes and coat were still there in the exact same spot they’d been left the day before last. “Still home…” Once again, Rei made a bowl of cereal for himself but decided to eat at the dining table this time, hoping to avoid a repeat of the tv incident from the day before. After finishing his meal, he booted up his game console but quickly removed the Morio Kart disc that was inside and replaced it with one of his old shooter games. It suddenly occurred to him that he hadn’t played these types of games since Miri started living with them, fearing that the blood and violence would be too much for her to witness. “But I guess Miri did have actual first-hand experience with not one, but two gun fights. Hell, she probably would’ve thought this game looked fun. Maybe I should’ve played it with her…”

Around lunch time, the silence in the room was broken by the sound of Kazuki’s bedroom door finally being opened. Rei whipped his head around so quickly he could have sworn he felt something in his neck pop. But it wasn’t quick enough, as Kazuki had already shut himself in the bathroom. Rei felt like a creep as he stared at the door handle, waiting for it to turn and for Kazuki to emerge from the bathroom. When he finally did, Rei’s voice cracked as he called out, “H-hey. You hungry? I can order a pizza.” Kazuki paused for a moment, but didn’t look up, his gaze locked downward. “No thanks. I’m good.” Before Rei could say anything back, Kazuki was already back in his bedroom closing the door behind him. Rei spent the rest of the afternoon and evening alone. One would think that having a day alone to yourself in a quiet home would be relaxing, especially when your daily routine was typically consumed by chaos. But that was a far cry from this reality. For Rei, the silence weighed on him like he was being pulled further and further under water. It was suffocating, to say the least. He also began to feel incredibly anxious, because he knew that he wanted to comfort Kazuki in some way, but had no idea how to go about it. “I feel totally worthless…”

It was now day three, and Rei had had enough. “I can’t go back to how things were before… I just can’t.” He decided to try his hand at tackling some of the chores around the house. He thought that it would be really pathetic of him to expect Kazuki to continue taking care of everything for him now that Miri was gone. Sure, he’d always done so in the past, but things were different now. Rei realized that Kazuki was only ever truly happy when he had a family to take care of. But now that there was no longer a “family” here, Rei knew deep down that there was a very good possibility of Kazuki leaving. Would it be next month? Next week? Tomorrow? The uncertainty frightened Rei, but he refused to become the same useless mess he’d once been. Well… he had enough determination in this very moment to at least do a load of freaking laundry. Baby steps were better than no steps, right?

So Rei started off his cleaning crusade by sorting through the pile of clothes on his bedroom floor and picking up any stray articles from the living room on his way to the washer. After tossing everything in and latching the door shut, he stood there for a moment staring at all the buttons and knobs. “Why are there so many??” Kazuki had, on several occasions, shown Rei how to operate the machine, pointing out the various features and wash cycles, and showing him exactly how to measure out the soap. But did Rei remember any of that? Absolutely not. But he figured he couldn’t screw it up too much as long as he stuck with the “regular” cycle and only used a little bit of soap. Once everything was set, he hesitantly reached for the Start button and gently pressed it in. The machine came alive with that familiar sloshing sound that he’d so desperately missed these last few days. He relaxed his shoulders, let out a sigh of relief, and smiled to himself. “Nice.”

Suddenly, the soft clack of a door being opened echoed from down the hall. Rei peeked his head around the corner to see if he could catch a glimpse of Kazuki. But alas, he had just missed him yet again. Rei then heard the shower turning on and thought that he really would be a creep if he were to stare at the bathroom door waiting for Kazuki to come back out, like he did yesterday. So instead, he headed toward the living room to start picking up all of his garbage.

**********

Kazuki felt numb.

It’s been three days, and yet that feeling refused to subside. Kazuki struggled to pinpoint exactly what emotion he was feeling about this whole situation. Was he mad? Maybe a little. But when it came down to it, he knew that both Kyu-chan and Misaki were right. Allowing a five-year-old child live with two hitmen was dangerous, and he couldn’t come up with a valid justification to argue otherwise. At least, not one that wouldn’t make him sound like a selfish asshole. Was he sad? Sure. But again, he knew that Miri was safer this way. So how could he truly be sad about the fact that she was safe? He couldn’t. In fact, if he were being rational about the whole thing, he thought he should actually feel quite relieved. “Yeah right… I’m too greedy for that,” he thought. So he wasn’t mad, or sad, or relieved. He was just… numb.

Kazuki knew that it was pathetic of him to hole up inside his bedroom, but he couldn’t help himself. Coming home that night to the sight of toys strewn across the living room floor, child-sized dishes piled in the sink, the basket of pink flowery clothes that needed to be washed… all of it was just so overwhelming. Kazuki couldn’t bring himself to look at any of it, so he ended up going straight to bed that night. Over the next couple of days, he only came out to use the toilet or to grab a quick snack so that he wouldn’t make himself sick. But otherwise, he stayed in bed staring off into space. He felt sort of bad for ignoring Rei, but he knew that Rei struggled with expressing his empathy. Because of that, Kazuki was afraid that he’d end up snapping at Rei for no real reason or accidentally saying something hurtful that he didn’t really mean, knowing damn well that Rei wouldn’t know how to react and would most likely take it personally. So in order to avoid that tension all together, Kazuki chose to avoid Rei for the time being. “I hope he’s at least eating something other than cereal…”

By day three, Kazuki was starting to get sore from lying in bed for so long. “I should probably shower.” On his way to the bathroom, Kazuki could have sworn he heard the washer running. “But there’s no way… I’m not even sure Rei knows how to use the damn thing, even though I’ve shown him a million times.” Kazuki let out a soft chuckle as he turned the knob in the shower all the way to the right. There was a brief squeaking noise before the water started raining down from the shower head, and steam began to gradually build up in the enclosed space. Kazuki started to undress, removing the wrinkled clothes that he’d been wearing for three days straight. He glanced at the reflection of his naked body in the mirror, flinching at the sight. It was obvious that he hadn’t eaten a proper meal nor had he gotten any decent sleep in these last few days. He had dark circles under his puffy eyes, his hair was a greasy mess, and his face looked pale and ashen like a ghost. He was honestly quite grossed out by the state he was in, and felt sort of relieved that Rei hadn’t seen him earlier. After stepping into the shower and under the hot water, Kazuki felt his muscles immediately relax. He stood there unmoving for god knows how long, just letting the water pour over the top of his head and down his face.

Out of nowhere, Kazuki heard what sounded like a gentle knock, followed by silence. He wasn’t sure if he was hearing things or not, so he waited for a moment to see if another knock would come. Instead, he heard the *click* of the door being opened. “…Kazuki? Are you okay? You’ve been in here for a while…” Rei was so quiet that Kazuki could barely hear him over the running water. He pulled back the shower curtain slightly and poked his head out, ready to teasingly chastise Rei for coming into the bathroom while someone was in the shower. But the sight before him almost sent him into a fit of laughter. Rei had his head peeking around the door into the bathroom, but his eyes were tightly shut, scrunching his face. Kazuki thought it was actually quite adorable. “Yeah. I’ll be out in just a few minutes, alright?” he said, with a slight smile on his face that Rei couldn’t see. “Ah, okay then,” Rei said, as he quickly shut the door. Pffft! Kazuki didn’t realize in that moment, but that numb feeling was finally starting to ease, if ever so slightly.

**********

Kazuki walked out of the bathroom to find Rei vacuuming. Rei. Vacuuming. WHAT?! Kazuki was so stunned he nearly dropped the towel that he was rubbing his hair with. He stood there in awe, taking a look around the entire room. Not only was Rei vacuuming, but it looked like he did the dishes and picked up around house as well. “Ha! Maybe I really did hear the washer running this morning!” Rei hadn’t heard the bathroom door open, so when he finally noticed Kazuki standing next to the couch staring at him, he flinched and scrambled to find the power button on the vacuum. “H-hey! You’re out! You hungry? I’ve made something to eat if you’d like some.” Although he still spoke in his low, nearly monotone voice, Rei appeared to be a bit more flustered than Kazuki had ever remembered seeing him before. “Oh yeah? What’d’ya make?” Kazuki was impressed. Rei cleaned and cooked?? “Um… it’s just porridge. I found an easy recipe online. You haven’t eaten these past few days, so I thought maybe your stomach was upset. I figured porridge would be easiest to eat.” Rei felt a little embarrassed to be offering his measly porridge to a guy who practically lives in the kitchen. And let’s be honest, Kazuki doesn’t exactly hold any punches when it comes to critiquing food, so Rei’s worry was justified. Kazuki could tell Rei was nervous, and again had to hold back his laughter. “Why is he being so cute right now? It’s hilarious, but I can’t tease him too much or else he’d probably curl up in a ball and shut down.” Kazuki pulled out a chair at the dining table, sat down, and looked up at Rei with a grin. “I’d love some. Please and thank you!”

And so the two of them sat at the table, quietly eating the porridge that Rei made. Rei cleared his throat, having already decided that he’d had enough of the eerie silence that had been suffocating him over the past three days. “Hey… do you wanna hang out today? Like, together? We don’t have to go anywhere if you don’t want to. It’s just been really… boring.” Although Rei was definitely trying his best to communicate more with Kazuki, he wasn’t exactly ready to say that he felt lonely and anxious by himself. So he decided to play it off as boredom. Kazuki glanced up at Rei, and to his surprise, Rei was looking right back at him, their eyes locked together. “…Sure. Is there something in particular you wanna do?” Rei hesitated for a moment. Honestly, he wasn’t expecting Kazuki to say yes, and hadn’t really thought this far ahead. “Um… well, we can watch some movies. I guess? Oh but first, we should dry your hair. It’s still wet, and you’ll catch a cold. I’ll dry it for you, if you want.”

“Okay… who the hell is this person and what have they done with Rei?! It’s like the onigiri incident all over again…”

“Ah-haha, it’s okay. It’ll dry on its own. And it’s warm enough in here that I won’t get sick.” Kazuki was truly beside himself. He knew that Rei had started to step up more to take care of Miri. But he couldn’t think of any time before when Rei had offered to take care of him.

“Dude, just let me dry it. I used to do it all the time for Mi- uh… I mean. Well it’s not like you haven’t done the same for me before, so just shut up and let me do it, okay?” Rei scratched his head, annoyed with himself for almost bringing up Miri. He told himself just this morning that he would avoid saying her name in front of Kazuki at all costs, not wanting to upset him. But Kazuki wasn’t upset and could see how frustrated Rei looked. “Okay then. You can dry my hair.”

Rei sat on the couch, his legs far enough apart for Kazuki to sit on the floor between his feet. Kazuki held his knees close to his chest, his chin resting on top of them. The loud whirring of the hair dryer filled the air around them, as Rei ran his fingers through Kazuki’s soft hair. “Fluffy…” Rei absolutely kept that thought to himself, and could feel his cheeks burn with embarrassment.

“I can’t even remember the last time someone’s dried my hair. Maybe when Yuzuko and I first started dating?” Kazuki thought back on the memories of all those years ago and smiled. “But man, this does feel nice. And he’s being so gentle, it almost tickles. And this warmth… I could fall asleep.” A few moments later, the loud whirring ceased and Kazuki jolted in place, having truly almost fallen asleep. “All done,” Rei said in a soft voice. “Aw man, already? That was so relaxing!” Although Kazuki was only teasing, the words were true, nonetheless. “Um… I can brush your hair now, if you’d like? I don’t mind.” Although his words were nonchalant, Rei looked almost excited. And who was Kazuki to say no to that? “Okay.” Rei got up to find a hairbrush and returned in a flash to continue playing with Kazuki’s hair.

After a while, Kazuki was the first to break the silence. “Ya know, I really thought the three of us would be together forever.” He let out a soft chuckle before continuing. “How silly is that?” Rei paused for a moment, surprised by the topic of conversation. He didn’t think Kazuki was ready to talk about this yet. Before Kazuki could notice that his hands had stopped moving, Rei started running the brush through Kazuki’s hair once more.

“Like, I actually thought, ‘Hey! This is my second chance! I can build a life with these two, and we can be a real family. We can be happy.’ Why did I get my hopes up? I should’ve known this would all end eventually. I mean come on. Look at us. Two hitmen raising a child together? That’s some shit straight out of a manga. It could never actually work in the long run.” Kazuki closed his eyes and held his hand over his face, gently rubbing the furrowed skin between his eyebrows.

Rei was thankful that he was sitting behind Kazuki, and that Kazuki was unable to see his face in that moment. Because he could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks and could only imagine what sort of twisted expression his face was in.

“Hey, Kazuki?”

“Hm?”

“Are you… going to leave?”

“Leave? What do ya mean? Where’m I going?” Kazuki realized he sounded slightly exasperated and hoped that Rei didn’t pick up on it.

“I know… I know that you want a family. And now that Miri… now that it’s just the two of us, we aren’t really a family anymore, are we? So are you going to leave now?”

Kazuki could hear the slight hitch in Rei’s voice, and quickly turned around to face him. Rei’s eyebrows were contorted and his cheeks were flushed red. And his bottom lip trembled.

Kazuki panicked. “What?? What are you talking about? Why would I leave?”

“Because it’s not safe for you either! The organization… they’ve already made it very clear.”

“But that was just about Miri, right? It was about our work getting sloppy, yeah? But she’s safe with Misaki now. And we’ll just go back to how things used to be.” As much as it pained him to admit, Kazuki knew that the words coming out of his mouth were true.

“No! It wasn’t just about Miri… it’s more than that.” Rei paused and closed his eyes for a moment, attempting to level his breathing. He then looked directly at Kazuki with glistening eyes and spoke more softly. “Don’t you get it? I’m a Suwa. I’m expected to continue the Suwa family line, and to take over the family business. But I…” Rei closed his eyes again and shook his head. “I don’t want to! I don’t want to…” Rei could feel the hot tears welling up in his eyes and failed to keep them from breaking through.

“Then what do you want?” Kazuki said in a soft, low voice. He could tell that Rei was terrified and could feel the adrenaline coursing through his own veins, causing his hands to shake. The only word he could think of to describe this feeling was protective. It was almost as if he was prepared to single-handedly take down anyone and everyone who had caused the man in front of him to break down in tears. Because anyone who was able to cause this normally emotionless man this much pain… deserved to suffer.

“I just… I just want our family back. But I know that’s not possible right now, and it may never be possible again, no matter how much I miss Miri. And god, I miss her so much… But above all, I want her to be safe. So I know that she needs to stay with Misaki. And I also know that you’d be safer, too, if you left… if you got as far away from me as possible. But Kazuki… I can’t. I can’t lose you, too.” By now, Rei was no longer able to hold back the flood of tears rolling down his cheeks, and his breaths were coming in short, shallow bursts.

In the blink of an eye, Kazuki had gotten up, positioned himself next to Rei on the couch, and pulled him into his arms, holding him close to his chest. Kazuki’s left hand cradled the back of Rei’s head, while his right hand gently stroked the space between his shoulder blades.

“Rei. Listen to me. I’m not leaving you. I will never leave you. You hear me? We ARE a family. Even if it’s just you and me. We can still be a family. Alright? So stop crying. Please, stop crying.” Kazuki tried with all his might to comfort Rei, but could feel that he himself was on the verge of breaking down.

“But… you deserve a real family, Kazuki. You deserve to be with someone you love. You deserve to be a papa. Because you’re such a good papa…” Rei buried his face in the crook of Kazuki’s neck, attempting to stifle the constant sniffling. He desperately grasped at Kazuki’s shirt, pulling it back so much that it was nearly choking Kazuki. But Kazuki didn’t say anything nor did he stop Rei.

“Rei, you deserve those things, too. You also deserve to be with someone you love. You deserve happiness.”

“But I AM with someone…!” Rei let the sentence trail off, surprised by the words that he’d nearly blurted out, and paused to catch his breath. “I was happy with our family. And I’m happy with you. I’d never known that feeling before, until I met you. And having Miri with us… made it so much more obvious. So I know I’m being selfish by asking you to stay with me. But I don’t want to give up any more of my happiness. I don’t want to go back to how things were before. I can’t go back. So Kazuki, please… I’ll try harder, I promise. I’ll clean more and I’ll learn how to cook and I won’t complain as much. And I’ll protect you. I’ll do anything to protect you. So please…” At this point Rei was sobbing so much that he began to ramble and his words were somewhat difficult to understand. But Kazuki continued to hold Rei in a tight embrace, gently stroking his hair to try and calm him down.

“Hey shhhh, I already said I’m staying, didn’t I? So try to calm down, okay? I’m not going anywhere. And hey, you did so good today with the chores! I was so impressed. And your porridge was delicious. Make it for me again sometime, will ya?”

Rei nodded, his face still pressed against Kazuki’s collar bone. “Yeah, okay.”

Kazuki slowly pulled away from Rei, holding both of his hands in his own between the two of them. “Have you calmed down a bit?” Rei nodded without saying anything. The tears finally stopped, but his face looked a mess. Kazuki reached his right hand up to gently rub Rei’s cheek. “Good. Ya know, I must say… you’ve been acting awfully cute today. I’m not used to it,” Kazuki said, letting out a small sigh of relief mixed with a faint laugh.

“Shut up!” Although he had meant to sound forceful with his words, Rei instead sounded like a whiny teenage girl, which made him feel even more embarrassed and caused a fresh wave of blood to rush back up to his cheeks. He then realized that his face probably looked absolutely ridiculous after his meltdown and attempted to wipe his eyes and turn his head away so that he was no longer facing Kazuki.  

But Kazuki only found this to be even more endearing, and immediately guided Rei’s face back to where he could see it more clearly. He then positioned his hand so that he cupped Rei’s chin in his palm, with his cheeks squished between Kazuki’s thumb and four fingers. “Heheh fish lips.” He couldn’t help but laugh at the sight and at the fact that Rei was even letting him mess with his face like this in the first place. Truly, he was not used to this side of Rei. But he was enjoying himself.

Kazuki’s laughter eventually trailed off, but he kept Rei’s face cupped in his hand, lightly squeezing his cheeks. Then the expression on his face softened as he continued to stare at Rei’s puckered mouth. After what was probably only thirty seconds, but felt like hours, Kazuki locked eyes with Rei. “Hw-hwat?” Rei stuttered, unable to enunciate due to the squished cheeks. He wondered how long Kazuki was going to hold his face like this and why he just kept staring. If he was being honest, he was starting to feel a bit uneasy. Rei had never really had anyone look at his face for this long or this closely before. He felt almost naked.

“Rei. Have you ever kissed anyone?” Kazuki maintained eye contact after asking the question, so he was able to see the exact moment the pupils in Rei’s deep blue eyes constricted to half their size.

“HUH??! What kind of question is that??” Rei flailed, yanking his face away and batting Kazuki’s hand down. “Seriously, what the hell??”, he thought to himself.

“Aww, come on. I’m just curious! You’re acting so adorable today, and I wondered if anyone else has ever seen you like this.” Kazuki already knew that Rei had probably never been in a real relationship before, so the words he spoke were only a joke. Still, he found himself slightly annoyed at the thought of someone else experiencing this side of Rei, but decided to keep that thought to himself.

“Why should I even tell you?” Rei continued to swat Kazuki away, but Kazuki was relentless.

“Hehe so I’ll take that as a ‘no’.”

“Ugh! Why do you even care??”

Quicker than Rei could stop him, Kazuki grabbed Rei’s face again, this time sandwiched between both of his hands. “Because. I do care. I care about you. And if we’re going to be a family, I want to know everything about you.”

Rei stopped resisting, and just stared back at Kazuki. “He looks so serious now…”

Kazuki’s gaze lowered slightly, and Rei realized just where he was looking. His mouth. Rei then noticed that Kazuki was slowly leaning closer toward him. “He’s not… ACTUALLY going to kiss me, is he?!” Rei didn’t know how to react, so all he could think to do was close his eyes and brace for impact.

Kazuki paused in his tracks and smiled to himself. Rei had his eyes tightly shut, reminding him of earlier that day in the bathroom. “He’s so funny.” Kazuki continued leaning in, closing his eyes and gently kissing Rei on the forehead.

Rei’s eyes shot open in surprise. A forehead kiss was NOT what he was anticipating, and he felt a little ashamed for expecting something different. But that feeling of shame melted away the moment he met Kazuki’s gaze once more and saw the slight shade of pink on the apples of his cheeks as he smiled a goofy grin. Rei couldn’t help but smile back and let out a soft, breathy laugh.

Kazuki carefully pulled his hands away from Rei’s face and stretched out his arms, taking a deep breath and letting out a loud sigh. “Haaaaahhh! So. Should we watch a movie now? Was there one you wanted to watch?” Kazuki leaned back into the couch, but not before pulling Rei to his side and wrapping his arm around him, his hand on Rei’s bicep. In this position, Rei was able to rest his head on Kazuki’s chest just under his arm, but he wasn’t sure where to put his hands. One arm was stuck behind Kazuki against the back cushion, so he didn’t really have a choice there. But the other was left out in front, hovering over Kazuki’s lower stomach. Rei hesitated for a moment, but finally thought, “Screw it,” and set his arm down so that it lay across Kazuki’s waist. After receiving no complaint from Kazuki about where his hand fell, Rei tightened his grip on Kazuki’s side ever so slightly and nestled even further into place. “He’s warm,” he thought. “This is nice…”

“Any movie is fine. Whatever you wanna watch.” Rei honestly didn’t care about the movie. He was just happy to be spending time with Kazuki. Happy to be pulled out of the suffocating silence.

“Hey, Rei?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry for avoiding you these last couple of days. It was nothing against you. So I hope you didn’t get too lonely.”

“…I was lonely. But it’s okay. I understood what you were feeling.”

“I might get like that again… I mean, I’m feeling a little better now. But it comes in waves. Ya know?”

“Yeah… I get it.”

“Then will you cuddle with me to make me feel better?” Kazuki said playfully.

“Yes.”

Kazuki only said that to tease Rei, so he wasn’t expecting him to respond so quickly or so matter-of-factly. But he found that Rei’s response made him insanely giddy. Kazuki tightened his hold on Rei, pulling him in even closer. “Good. That makes me happy.”

“…” Rei didn’t know how to respond, but knew that he, too, felt happy in that moment.

It’s been three days. And there was no telling how many more it would take before things finally started to feel normal again. Or maybe things would never feel normal again. Maybe there was a hell storm coming their way that they weren’t at all prepared for. These were all possibilities that they had to consider. But as they sat there embracing each other’s warmth, Kazuki and Rei both knew that they’d be okay, as long as they were together. If one was suffering, the other would be there to help pick up the pieces. If one was happy, the other would be there to celebrate in their joy. After all, isn’t that just what a family is?

[love-little-lotte]

The Characters From Poldark: An Overview

After making that last Poldark post a month ago, I started reading Winston Graham's books. Needless to say, I got obsessed. I've just finished The Angry Tide a few days ago and started reading The Stranger from the Sea immediately right after. I'm still in the middle, but I'm kind of missing the vibe of the first seven books. Maybe it's because I'm already familiar with the story, thanks to the TV show. But I'm loving Jeremy and Clowance so far!

The Poldark books are like a drug to me; even if I'm dead tired after work, I try to find the time to read even a chapter or two before going to sleep. It's that addicting! Graham's writing was too good. I love his prose and how he gets the time period and characters. In more ways than one, the characters are much more lovable in the novel than in the TV show (don't get me wrong, I still like the BBC show!) The Poldark books can be fairytale-like, but so much grittier and darker. As the books progress, the story gets more political, which can be confusing, especially if you're not familiar with the history. Sometimes, I have to research a little bit to understand the background (especially in The Stranger from the Sea where they talk a lot about King George's madness, as well as Napoleon).

In this post, I share some of my thoughts about some of the Poldark characters (both in the TV show and books). This is not exactly like a review or in-depth analysis, just some rambles that came to me while reading the books or watching the show. If you haven't finished the books or show, be aware that I'll be talking about spoilers!

Ross Poldark

The most problematic man ever. Okay, maybe not, but there are so many times I want to throw my Kindle out the window every time he says or does something stupid (almost always at the expense of Demelza). Ross is not as annoying in the books as he was in the TV show, thankfully. Imagine my surprise when I realized he didn't say that crappy line about "playing the scullery maid" to Elizabeth at that Christmas party in Season 2. His apology to Demelza after spending that night with Elizabeth in the books was also much more sincere. And I love that he actually said, "I'm sorry" because (remind me if I'm wrong) he never said so in the show. Yes, we know he regretted it but I never felt he was sorry because he never really expressed it.

Nevertheless, Ross is still a pretty good character, albeit flawed. I like the way he fights for what he believes in and goes above and beyond for those less fortunate. His passion for his people—not only restricted to his miners or employees—is something to be admired at. He's not a good husband, but he's a decent person. He tries to be the hero all the time, but alas, he can't have it all.

And yes, I admit that maybe I can't truly hate Ross because I love Aidan Turner and his portrayal of the character. After reading the books, I've really come to appreciate Turner's performance even more. He just gets the brooding, tortured side of Ross.

My Favorite Ross Moment: Is there? Just kidding; he did have some good moments. You might think my favorite moment is a Ross/Demelza scene (I still honestly think about the stocking scene at random times of the day), but it's actually his impassioned speech during his trial in Season 2. Turner was on fire in this episode and really brought out the best of Ross.

Demelza Poldark

A ray of sunshine. The heart and soul of Nampara (hell, the rest of Cornwall). My favorite character. Demelza gets a lot of bad luck in the course of the series, but she always perseveres. She never fails to look at the bright things in life, and I admire her so much for that. Demelza and Ross's marriage suffers a lot in the show and books, but I've never once doubted their relationship. They're the perfect match for each other. Beyond the romance, she's also an understanding friend, a kind sister, and a warm mother.

Her personality in the show didn't wasn't really that different in the books, in my opinion, so I love both interpretations. Maybe the only change that ticked me off was her affair with Hugh Armitage. The show implied that she only slept with Hugh because Prudie told her that she saw Ross kiss Elizabeth at the church, but in the books, I feel like she didn't mind the kiss that much. Instead, she has an affair with Hugh because she wants to and has true affection for Hugh. I hated the fact that the show had to resort to a petty love triangle or jealousy for that to happen. Maybe it draws in more viewers, but honestly, it's a little shallow.

Eleanor Tomlinson was wonderful as Demelza. I've said before that they mixed up the hair color of the women in Poldark (in the books, Demelza is dark-haired, Elizabeth is blonde, and Caroline is a redhead), and I tried to imagine Tomlinson playing Caroline, but I simply couldn't. She's ingrained in my brain as Demelza now.

My Favorite Demelza Moment: Where to begin?! When she helped Verity and Andrew find each other again? When she tried to help Pascoe's bank when they were having problems? Or perhaps when she punched Ross after spending the night with Elizabeth. All these are great, but my personal favorite Demelza moment is when she sang "I'd Pluck a Fair Rose" at the Christmas dinner in Season 1. I know, this seems a bit minor, but I thought this was the beginning of Demelza's transformation as the Mistress of Nampara, gaining her confidence, as well as Ross's love. (And yes, I have this song on repeat on Spotify.)

George Warleggan

Debbie Horsfield gets a lot of flack for this adaptation (or so I've read in comments, from Reddit to Tumblr), but one of the changes she made that I liked was George's character. In the books, he's a scheming villain who will stop at nothing to destroy Ross and everything he holds dear. You know, the average bad guy. But I loved him in the show, though. Maybe it's because of Horsfield's writing, which humanized George, or Jack Farthing's nuanced performance. Farthing is actually one of my favorite actors in the show, all because he gave George so much heart, despite him being ruthless.

Also, I never really thought he loved Elizabeth in the books; instead, he only sees her as a prized possession, another trophy he gets for his status. But in the show, I can actually see his love for her. This is more apparent in Season 5 (which is not adapted from the books), but we can actually see his real feelings for Elizabeth in the earlier seasons as well! I've read that Books 8-12 focus more on the kids, but I do hope I get to see more of George and Ross's rivalry. It's a bit rundown, but I really love it when they have a little showdown.

My Favorite George Moment: His beef with Aunt Agatha is one of my favorite things in the show and books. So yes, my fave George moment was when he told Aunt Agatha that she's not 99, but 97. It's so petty and cruel of him—and Agatha was so right at retaliating by implying Valentine's not his son.

Elizabeth Warleggan

I've come to realize that many fans don't like Elizabeth. Yes, she's a thorn in Ross and Demelza's relationship, marries the villain George, leads on Ross while still being married to Francis, forces her cousin Morwenna to marry someone she doesn't love, and so on and on. But in the end, I can never really hate Elizabeth. She doesn't have a lot of scenes in the books, but in the show, Heida Reed played her as sympathetic and kind albeit weak. I never really questioned Elizabeth's actions because I always remind myself that this is probably what women in her status would do in the past. If you were widowed and broke, wouldn't you marry the first rich guy who proposes to you for your family's own good? Even if it's the guy who your first love hates the most.

After marrying George, she resented Ross and Demelza a lot... but, in her perspective, she was jilted by Ross. After they slept together, she postponed the wedding, (stupidly) hoping for Ross to come after her, but of course, he didn't. I can't blame her for waiting for him, though; that was Ross's fault for ignoring her. I do admit it was wrong of her to tell Ross about her feelings while married to Francis, though. And for forcing Morwenna to marry someone she doesn't love.

My Favorite Elizabeth Moment: In Season 3, when she swore in the Bible that Valentine is George's son (and in turn, making him swear that he won't suspect her anymore). Reed (and Farthing!) were incredible in that scene, but I just like how Elizabeth controlled the narrative in that moment. She's passive on most occasions, but she is determined to make George believe that Valentine is his son).

Francis Poldark

I was debating whether I should include Francis in this or not... After all, he's been dead for a long time, and I don't remember much what happened to him. And frankly, I don't really care much about his character (although his death is an important event for the other characters). I didn't hate Francis; however, he was just meh for the most part. In the first season, he suffered much with the responsibilities he earned after the death of his father, as well as losing his sister to a man whom he thought was a menace. Thankfully, his character had a change of heart in the second season.

I've got to say, though, that Kyle Soller is a terrific actor, and I missed him a lot in the later seasons.

My Favorite Francis Moment: When he came clean to Demelza about revealing the shareholders to George in Season 2... right before he died. I'm glad that he was able to redeem himself in the end.

Dwight Enys

Another one of my favorite characters! Just like Ross, Dwight cares so much for people and treats everyone fairly, no matter their station in life. He even tried to stay behind a prison camp because he wanted to take care of the people. But unlike Ross, Dwight is much more level-headed, gentler, and doesn't act on impulse... which makes me like him a bit more.

Luke Norris is also a very strong actor. He gets to show off his acting chops when he gets back from Paris and when his daughter Sarah dies (which is one of the saddest things that ever happened in this show). He also shared wonderful chemistry with Gabriella Wilde, who played Caroline. I like that their relationship was explored a lot in the series; they weren't just side characters that the writers put in random moments of the show, they were truly part of the show.

My Favorite Dwight Moment: Definitely not when he slept with a married woman. But he still gets a lot of good moments in the show, from being the voice of reason when Ross (stupidly) duels Adderley to helping George when mourning for Elizabeth. But my favorite one was when he stayed behind to warn Ross about the ambush, jeopardizing his elopement with Caroline. It's just one of the moments when we get to see Dwight being selfless.

Caroline Enys

I get that some people do not like Caroline; she's very brash, sarcastic, and, at times, spoiled. But she's one of my favorite characters in the show. Perhaps because she's the most modern one and I relate to her very much (although I am not an heiress... unfortunately). She doesn't show it a lot, but she cares so much for her family and friends. That's what makes her the best match for Dwight. They're somewhat like a reverse Ross and Demelza. And speaking of Ross, the book surprised me with how flirty they got with each other! She kisses him twice—and although there was no romance meant in that (if I remember correctly, that was when he went to save Dwight in Paris and she kissed him for luck and gratitude), she did once suggest that they sleep together. I'm sure that was one of her normal tactless quips, but even so, I was taken aback!

Still, I like Caroline more in the show because Gabriella Wilde was incredible in the role. She played the spoiled heiress so well, yes, but she gave her so much empathy and compassion in the show. Her heartbreaking scene when Sarah died destroyed me to bits, as well as the events after that. I'm so happy when she and Dwight reconciled. Also, I love that she became one of Demelza's most treasured friends. Their friendship is one of my favorite things in the show because they seem to just get each other, despite being two different people.

My Favorite Caroline Moment: When she paid off Ross's debts in secret. That was such a boss move and made me love her even more. There was absolutely no reason for her to do that, but only because she cared for Dwight and, as a result, Ross as well.

Drake Carne

The best man in the show? Well, yes! He's not perfect (he did run out of his own wedding, leaving poor Rosina heartbroken... yet again). Despite that, I like Drake, especially in the show. He's a bit annoying and more forward in the books, but in the show, he is gentler and kinder. And his hopeless devotion and unconditional love for Morwenna is so sweet. Their relationship is the only thing that makes Season 5 salvageable. Morwenna was damaged after her horrifying marriage to Osborne, and I liked that Drake didn't rush her into consummating their marriage. So far, they're still not in The Stranger from the Sea (will they make an appearance?! No, don't answer that; I hate spoilers), only that it was mentioned that they have a daughter. Beyond his romance with Morwenna, I love his brotherly relationship with Geoffrey Charles. He badly needed a good man in his life, and while his uncle is there (though I wouldn't say Ross is a good role model), I think Drake is the best guy for Geoffrey Charles.

Harry Richardson was also good as Drake; he's so charming in the role and easy to love. There are so many cases when I don't like new characters and actors that appear in the middle of the show, but he (and the rest of the new cast) effortlessly fit in with the rest.

My Favorite Drake Moment: Most of Season 5 Drake. Yes, that's not in the books, but I liked that the show explored the early days of their marriage. He was so gentle with Morwenna, it made my heart ache. The toad bit was stupid, to be honest, but it made me laugh with how it left George in a huff, so points to Drake for that anyway.

Sam Carne

Ah, Sam. He can be annoying at times, especially when he starts including his religious beliefs in literally every conversation, but... he grows on you. He's not one of my favorite characters, but I like his sibling relationship with Demelza and Drake. And his short-lived romance with Emma was pretty sad. It humanizes him in a way, making him see that he can't save everyone. Sam eventually marries Rosina. Which, to me, feels a bit weird. Sure, they do get along, but it just feels like they settled for each other because they were left by their respective partners.

Along with Harry Richardson, Tom York is also a fantastic addition to the cast. He doesn't get a lot of strong acting moments, but he's still a good actor and I enjoyed watching him.

My Favorite Sam Moment: Like I said, he doesn't get a lot of scenes, but I like Sam the best when he's being a Good Brother™ to Drake, especially in Seasons 3 and 4 when Morwenna is married to Osborne.

Morwenna Carne

I love Morwenna so much that it reminds me of that Stephanie Beatriz meme from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Morwenna's been through a lot—more than maybe most of the characters in the show. She married one of the sickest, horrifying characters I've ever come across (against her will, might I add), but nevertheless, she endured. She's a strong character, despite her demure tendencies. As I mentioned before, Season 5 is still worth watching for Morwenna and Drake. How she overcame her trauma from Osborne's abuse was very compelling to watch; it's realistic and makes me like her more. I also liked how she got to have a closure with John Conan, her first son. I'm sure she doesn't want anything from her Osborne's family, but you can't convince me that she doesn't care for John Conan.

In the books, Morwenna's always described in the book as "plain-looking," which irks me to no end because Ellise Chappell is literally one of the prettiest actresses I've ever seen. She's also a pretty good actress, and she was able to show off her range in Seasons 4 and 5.

My Favorite Morwenna Moment: When she stood up for herself against Osborne, even threatening to hurt John Conan if he tried to touch her again. I remember watching that scene for the first time and just howling and clapping for Morwenna.

*****

I would've loved to write more about the other characters like Verity and Prudie (especially Prudie in the show), but... I don't have a lot of feelings about them. Plus, they don't really move the story along, unlike the characters mentioned.

So, there you have it! Excuse me while I start watching the show again. Bye!

[secretgamergirl]

All the seriously queer stuff in the back half of Sailor Moon

In case it wasn't obvious when I released a little mini-RPG a few months ago where you basically play as the villains, I've been gradually making my way through the entire run of Sailor Moon for the past year or so. Specifically I'm watching the 2014 Viz dub that covers all 200 episodes, trying to be as faithful as they can with it. It's been a really interesting experience, since I absolutely watched the old DiC dub back in the day, saw a fansub of one of the movies around the same time, and heard plenty of things about the missing seasons (particularly the infamous "cousins" thing from the Cloverway dub) over the years, and now I have all the context. And the context gets really shockingly overtly queer, turns out!

So first, let's just all get on the same page with the English language localizations of Sailor Moon over the years. Back in the 90s, Sailor Moon aired… well everywhere, with the English language version being a dub from DiC, which I will go to my grave defending as probably the best dub of anything I can think of. Fantastic casting all around, changes to the soundtrack that were actually for the better (keeping all the melodies but recording new versions that… aren't optimized to sound show-perfect when recreated by the cheapest sound generators one can shove in a toy, plus some original songs shoved into a few episodes). They did make some edits/cuts, but pretty minor ones, especially compared to the complete reworkings most anime of the era went through when coming to American TV, and I'm still not used to Luna not being prissy and British here.

That dub only lasted up through the second season. Past that, there was a dub of seasons 3 and 4 from Cloverway, which had some really questionable performances, and is where the infamous "they're cousins" bit came in. This also aired on TV in some places, but didn't have nearly the same omnipresent distribution as the DiC seasons (… and now I'm feeling old as I ponder whether to explain how local TV affiliates did their own thing back in the broadcast days). Then in the early 2000s there was a DVD release from Pioneer with cut/uncut versions of everything, apparently, which may or may not have recycled those dubs. I don't really have the energy to track that down, specifically. Anyway all the rights expired, gathered dust forever, then Viz picked it up and did this new faithful localization, and it took me about a decade to spot it on a streaming service.

So we've got 5 seasons, 200 episodes total, and a hell of a lot of formulaic structuring here. Every season (or half a season) we've got some main villain with an evil plan we may or may not get any details on, and some small number of underlings who then take their 5-10 episode long turns pursuing their goal in a way that inevitably generates monsters of the week, and meanwhile every season we have another conflict on the good guy side where someone is trying to locate some special person and ignoring the 50 or so obvious signs which main cast member it is while the audience gets frustrated. Oh and each individual episode has the same rigid structure of everyone getting caught up in some wacky teen trend, then there's a monster, they transform and fight a bit to no real end, then Sailor Moon gets around to using a finisher because that's literally the only thing actually capable of ending a fight. Honestly it's less "formulaic TV writing" and more like some sort of daily meditation. No way in hell I'd be able to sit through all of it if I had to look at the screen the whole time. This is background viewing while I work. Oh and I'm assuming everyone has at least enough passing familiarity to understand that if I say the name of a planet I'm talking about a teenage girl who's the reincarnation of some sorta magical girl/sentai squad member.

Season 1 has pretty gay vibes in places, but MOSTLY there's plausible deniability for all of it. We spend about half the season just establishing the characters of Moon Mercury and Mars, then quickly bringing in Jupiter and playing it up like a big shocking reveal for Venus. There's also a bunch of relationship drama between Moon, Tuxedo Mask, and the guy who runs the local arcade that she has a crush on and spends a while thinking is actually Tuxedo Mask instead of his actual identity of uh… a college-aged guy we're saying is the destined love interest of this 14-year old girl he's frankly pretty abusive towards. So, a lot of straight nonsense there. Meanwhile the evil queen's got these 4 generals, two of them are plainly dating, and no matter how you slice it, that's pretty overtly queer, but there's a valid argument to have over how we actually should slice it.

I was aware at the time that the DiC dub just ran with Zoicite here being a woman, making this a straight relationship, and I kinda figured they did a bit of tweaking and editing to hide that this was actually one of those bishonen types who were popular at the time who happened to be gay. Honestly though, watching it through a modern lens, it is REALLY hard to not just see a woman here, even when we're throwing he/him pronouns around. Like, if I'm handling a new dub, I'm just going to say Zoicite is a trans girl, who I'm at least headcanoning as being out for years, on HRT, and at that point where she can put on a suit designed for a man and nah that's a woman wearing a suit. Kinda just wraps around and makes me appreciate the old dub's handling more than the new one.

Season 2 (or R) doesn't really give us anything to work with, if I'm honest. There's probably some gals-being-pals energy amongst the main cast here and there. That's kind of always low-key present, especially with Jupiter, who has the whole big tough girl who wears long skirts thing sorta gay energy, and I want to say she ends up going to a dance with Mercury somewhere early on because one of them can't find a date otherwise.

But, we've got this filler arc with two dark elves in a tree who just kinda both hit on everyone of the opposite gender while the main cast sits in a holding pattern, then we get a proper villain squad not really getting enough spotlight time to have much of anything going on, and this whole weird thing where Moon and Mask's annoying toddler comes back from the future to… brainwash Moon's parents into thinking she's their daughter, and then she gets turned into an evil adult, and there's this whole bit about her having some sort of grim reaper/time guardian as a nanny (this is Pluto, the outer planets really have different things going on)… but again, mostly straight/cis flavored nonsense.

Then suddenly here comes season 3 (or S, pronounced "Super" which makes things real confusing), from a director who would later go on to create Utena, and in addition to just being the single best season of the series for a number of other reasons, everyone is canonically into girls now! It's shockingly overt about establishing that too, and reiterating the point several times.

It all gets started with Uranus and Neptune showing up. We kind of have this three faction conflict this season, where there's a proper main villain and squad of monster making minions, but then there's also this overtly queer power couple whose goal is basically to check out the "pure hearts" monsters of the week keep ripping out of people because they need to check them for these three macguffins they need to… reform the holy grail of all things to give to their leader they're too oblivious to know is actually Moon.

More importantly though, aside from making it abundantly clear that these two are banging every night, they have this very open relationship where Neptune is more than cool with Uranus hooking up with any given girl she's inclined to, and/or grabbing gals for threeways. And like, this isn't me taking a broad interpretation of things, it's weird how directly they just come out and say this. The other thing we have going on is that Uranus is just, like, the butchest of the butch.

Literally everyone just assumes she's a guy when they first meet, and quite a few people go into serious denial when corrected on the matter. And she kinda tends to react to all the misgendering with the sort of bemused nonchalance that makes it pretty easy to read her as actually being nonbinary. I swear there's an episode where she clarifies she's not a guy with that particular sort of emphasis suggesting that doesn't necessarily narrow things down to just "girl," too. And apparently Crystal actually DOES bite the bullet and flat out state she's nonbinary (or at least "both male and female"). That's cool, but there is no way in hell I'm going to sit through Crystal.

Anyway, point is, everybody wants to hook up with Uranus. Everyone. There's a whole episode where the power couple straight up takes Jupiter out on a date, the rest start gossiping about her being out on a date with two girls, everyone starts off shocked, then someone clarifies who it's with and everyone's like "oh, well yeah then I'd take them up on that too," with a little extra push back from Mars before she gets called out as trying to stay in the closet when she's clearly got a stash of photos of hot girls in suits.

This of course really makes me wonder about that Cloverleaf dub and why they went with that whole "cousins" thing to avoid addressing the overt queerness here, instead of taking the same approach DiC did of just making Uranus a guy. This would technically introduce the problem of having a guy in a miniskirt for fight scenes, but, eh, that'd be easier to edit around than you'd think. Uranus generally enters a fight scene pre-transformed firing an attack off from offscreen, arguing with the core cast a little, and leaving. Attacks are stock animation you can drop in anywhere, so that much is easy enough to chop out or replace with Neptune's attack. I don't know how one would even begin to cut around all the overt gay stuff though.

Nothing especially queer going on with the evil side of things. The villains are kind of amazing but too career oriented for relationships. I guess just for the sake of giving full context for the seasons most people haven't seen and fill in the obvious hole in the roster I can mention the eventual deal that the little goth girl Chibi-Usa spends the season hanging out with turns out to be the main villain's daughter, Sailor Saturn, and kind of the antichrist? Like I said, the outer planets aren't just cast expansions, they really have their own stuff going on. She also dies and reincarnates, doing so the long way where she sits the next season out being just a baby, which once again begs the question of whether when everyone dies at the end of the first season they just kinda magically come back to life with missing memories just as a temporary thing for a filler arc to play with or they really dd all reincarnate and have new families a decade and change later. Weird that that never got firmly pinned down.

Anyway though season 4 (AKA Super S, which is pronounced "Supers" and now you see why I prefer just numbers)… sucks and you should skip it. No sense of stakes, no real character work, non-threatening villain, shockingly dull monster designs, no outer planets, an ending that just drags on for what feels like forever and has no payoff. The only things it has in its favor are the inherent absurdity that people are wondering if Chibi-Usa is like full-on dating Pegasus (yes, the horse) and Fish's Eye.

So we have two different miniboss squads this season, the latter of which is a quartet of permanent-child acrobats working for the impressively titled if boring in practice Dead Moon Circus, preceded by three animals-turned-into-humans-by-a-witch with a weird What-you-originally-were's Eye naming scheme. Two of them are just dull slutty guys, but Fish's Eye is plainly and overtly a trans woman, and gets something of an arc about being willing to give up her own humanity for the greater good. It's a shame she's stuck in the practically unwatchable season, but at least she's on the REALLY short list of major villains who gets to have a happy ending. Usually even when someone has a nice redemption arc with the power of love and friendship they still get bumped off by another villain.

Different localizations have done different things with her. Some go "crossdressing gay guy" some just say she's a woman and leave her transness out of it. The 2014 localizaton is pretty unambiguous about though, so, that's really nice. Casting could be better, but still.

Then finally we come to season 5 (Sailor Stars), which I think is even more queer than season 3 was, which is really saying something, and was also directed by someone who would go on to helm another girly show with a serious case of The Genders, Ouran High School Host Club. Structurally it's a bit weird, because the first few episodes are just straight up taking a mulligan on the terrible finale of season 4, this time with the outers in (Saturn hyper-ages back to her standard 10 or whatever and gets a bunch of inexplicable knowledge and memories which is cool but never really paid off), the main villain doing something, and as a shocking rarity for the series, this whole mini-arc where characters are broken into pairs of one inner one outer and get to bounce off each other in a way the series frustratingly usually never does.

More importantly though, at least for this post's purposes, basically the first scene of the season is Uranus and Neptune having a flirty exchange ending with something along the lines of "let's save the pillow talk for when we're actually in bed together later tonight," which sort of sets the tone for just how blatantly these two are talking about their extremely active sex life in no uncertain terms, out in public. Some of the other characters are a bit weirded out by their complete lack of filter, but hey whatever.

The real proper start of the season though has our core cast finally starting high school, once again reminding us that everyone is at LEAST 4 years younger than everything about their designs, interests, and handling of responsibilities would indicate. This also reminds us how deeply creepy the Moon/Tuxedo Mask relationship is, but fortunately he hops a plain to America and is straight up out this season, and as an added bonus Chibi-Moon finally goes back to the future. Before you get too excited she IS shortly replaced with an even younger, barely verbal new mystery gremlin called Chibi-Chibi whose existence nobody can account for, but at least she's actually cute and not akin to the baby from Dinosaurs. More importantly though, as the girls enter high school they end up in a class with the titular Sailor Stars, AKA The Three Lights, AKA Fighter Maker and Healer, a popular boy band who are also a new mysterious set of Sailors with what I assume are intentionally quite confusing gender shenanigans in play.

Normally, they are hot lanky boys, boastful about their masculinity to the point of it bordering on misogyny, but also super super femme, with earings, hair down to their ankles, and very noticeably female VAs in both Japanese and English. Then when there's a fight they're very plainly hot lanky girls in bikinis and one of them has an attack shouting "Star Gentle Uterus!" before hitting a monster with a glob of liquid to a disgusted reaction. And their transformation sequences (and bikinis, and some shirtless scenes) make it absolutely crystal clear that yeah there is some magical reconfiguring of their bodies when making the switch. The show pointedly avoids elaborating on what the deal is past that in terms of which they form they started with/feel more comfortable in/why they switch it up/etc. which would normally frustrate me as one of those Schroedinger's Queer Rep situations, but I very much get the impression that we're going for intentional confusion and ambiguity in service to a general message that if you're into someone you shouldn't have hangups about their gender or what it says about your own sexuality and just kind of accept your feelings and them as a person and I am pretty OK with that.

The cast is too. Mercury Mars Jupiter Venus and for good measure Luna all kinda spent the entire season fixating on how to hook up with any/all of The Three Lights, meanwhile at basically any moment there isn't a fight scene or some plot exposition happening, Fighter is VERY ACTIVELY pursuing Moon in a sexual fashion, with pretty overtly stated tension before damn near every commercial break over whether this is going to be the scene where Sailor Moon gets absolutely railed by this maybe-genderfluid pop star from another world. And I have to just say as a brief aside that while we obviously never go there, I kinda wish we did? Tuxedo Mask is WAY too old to be dating someone Moon's age, even if we do the thing where we just add 4 to everyone's stated age. Plus he kinda treats her like absolute garbage for the whole show, and even when they're in a more wholesome mode the whole thing feels toxic and messed up. Meanwhile Fighter here is literally the same age, clearly into her, and beyond the one character flaw, an actual decent person. Though again, really damn forward. Still beats the hell out of the guy in college dating a middle schooler, and kinda flirting with his own prepubescent future-daughter.

There's also this huge confrontational thing between Fighter and Uranus, where it's slightly unclear if Uranus is being protective of Moon, violently jealous because Neptune is totally and surprisingly overtly open to hooking up with anyone from this boy band too, or just kinda trying to defend her position as the hot androgynous badass who swept into town with the intent of hooking up with every girl in the zip code eventually. Meanwhile Fighter thinks Uranus is a kind of toxic macho dude and really questions the whole "she's not a guy" thing, which is, you know, interesting. Pluto never really weighs in on this because… Pluto kinda lives outside of time and space and has maybe 8 minutes of real screen time in the entirety of the show.

Past that, we've got a bunch of other gay stuff too! We're back to cranking the general queer energy of the core cast up past the point of plausible deniability with regards to each other and a random girl trying to pass along a love letter with some confusion as to who it's for. It also bears mention that when the full deal of the new characters and their gender flipping comes to light, Jupiter makes an active point of making it clear that she is still 100% down and like, hey, I already knew you were the least conflicted of the bunch about how bi you all are, but I appreciate the active refutation of transphobia is still cool. We've got an honestly adorable pair of villains where one is frankly such a bimbo she's completely incapable of doing the evil general thing on her own or preparing her own food, and her hyper-competent girlfriend helping her out while also having to come up with cover stories because they're supposed to be pitted against each other. They'd definitely get a nice happy ending in one of the even numbered seasons, especially once it's made clear that they're very much being coerced into the evil stuff/taking things down from the inside, but… yeah this season ends up going super dark.

I don't want to totally get into how absolutely pitch dark the big 8-part series finale gets and spoil the hell out of it since if it wasn't clear, the odd numbered seasons are all really good stuff you should watch on your own, plus this one has a bunch of genuine twists, but I have to get into some of it in my mission of explaining how gay it all is. Consider yourself warned.

As happens kind of a lot in Sailor Moon finales, the bulk of the season 1 cast gets killed off once the main villain steps in to start getting her hands dirty, but here it's early enough on in the arc for Moon to really process it and give it the weight that maybe it'll actually stick this time. In particular of course she's worked up about Tuxedo Mask turning out to have died off camera at the start of the season (the impression to that point being that he's too distracted with a trip to America to check his messages or maybe just straight up ghosted her), but then almost as broken up over losing Mars, because yeah, those two in particular actually end up with a surprising amount of low key romantic tension between them by the end of things.

Then once it's time to get the outer planets off the table, all four of them end up in a no-win situation against the villain, who does that villain thing of of offering them a choice of just being killed and having their souls ripped out to be made into new stars (this is kind of her whole thing, see), OR if anyone's up for it, they can switch sides, still get their souls ripped out to be made into stars, but given funky magic bracelets that allow them to stay alive, just, you know, corrupted by evil and acting as her new villain squad. It's actually established right before the last one gets vaporized that all her original henchgals are in fact the Sailors of other planets she forced into the same deal just before the last one gets vaporized for failure, making it that much tragic in retrospect that the cute competence-disparity couple didn't make it.

Anyway, Uranus and Neptune actually take the deal. Like, zero hesitation. Part of it is eventually explained as Uranus having enough faith that she's too into her girlfriend to be fully corrupted and might get a chance to sucker punch the villain with her own soul extractors (which she IS it just doesn't work), and failing that Moon'll probably swing some kinda deus machina (which is an admittedly safe bet, honestly). But another part of it really is just "yeah screw it, if I still get to be with my girlfriend I'll take being evil over being dead" and they really do go through with it and promptly murder their oldest friend and a very young girl. Don't let anyone tell you Sailor Moon is one of those power of love and friendship always triumphs sorta shows. I don't know that the power of love and friendship even ties the scoreboard if we tally things up over the whole series. Oh and the final final final showdown has a nude Sailor Moon with angel wings just trying to hug it out with the main villain, which I guess could also maybe be read as a bit queer.

So yeah. Sailor Moon. When you don't have a puritanical edit, it's queer as hell. Everyone's bi or non-binary-and-sapphic. Several different flavors of trans rep. Goes out on a note of not getting hung up on gender. All of this in a roughly 30 year old series now, aimed at young impressionable girls. … actually for that matter it's also a show aimed at girls with really powerfully horny monster girl designs all over the place. Possibly relevant.

Oh yeah, and maybe consider throwing me some money via Patreon? I can't actually cover next month's rent as things stand.

[fanfic-inator795]

I was rewatching the "Stay Cool" ep of I Heart Arlo, and while the episode plot itself is pretty cliche and predictable, the episode itself is still pretty fun and fairly enjoyable - though my favorite part is definitely the ending.

You get to Arlo telling his dad about said yacht-sinking and Ansel not seeing an issue with it at first, saying how he often looks for those who "ask for forgiveness instead of permission" in his building managers. In a way, it kind of reminds me of the movie where he's giving Arlo advice that, while it may help him get ahead in the business world (a world Ansel is MUCH more familiar with than parenthood), isn't necessarily good advice in general.

Immediately Arlo is naturally confused, which prompts Ansel to kinda just be like "Oh right, I'm a dad now, gotta say something Dad-like", prompting him to try scolding Arlo, with his tone not sounding nearly as natural or as confident as it was prior (the vocal delivery and animation really sells this). But even if Ansel is still only acting stern and isn't actually mad or even that disappointed, it's still enough for Arlo to continue being super hard on himself, not necessarily needing Ansel or anyone else to tell him that he messed up big time. (and oof, you really do feel for him here...)

That then leads into Ansel fully realizing how distraught his son is and doing what any good parent should do in a situation like this: comfort and letting their kid know that mistakes don't erase love, and that things can be replaced. That the important thing is that Arlo is safe and that he still loves him no matter what (and all while an instrumental version of "In The Blue With You" plays in the background. Just, d'awwww!), ending things off with a hug and a quick joke about Arlo getting an allowance + the squid falling for the Ansel statue, lol.

Though, while I love this whole ending and how sweet it is, Arlo being so worried about disappointing or being hated by his dad (that bit where he says "Ansel" instead of "Dad" because he's "practicing for when he gets disowned". OOF) definitely hits a lot harder than the typical "my parent's gonna kill me!" jokes you see in TV shows when you remember that Arlo was literally abandoned by Ansel as a baby. Additionally, in the next episode, you briefly see Arlo admit that he still worries about one day disappointing Ansel.

If the show had more episodes, I have to wonder if the show would fully address these fears that Arlo has - to acknowledge that, while Arlo may have forgiven Ansel for everything and for as much as Ansel is trying to be there for him now, it isn't exactly easy for Arlo to just forget about how Ansel not only gave him up as a baby but also took forever to finally accept him. Even if he understands WHY Ansel struggled so much with accepting both his son and himself and how Ansel's backstory/trauma led to Ansel making decisions he regretted, Arlo was still impacted by these decisions and still felt the hurt in them.

While we got to see a few instances of Arlo and Ansel bonding with each other/Ansel learning to be a dad, we never really got to see these two have a full-on argument or fight. But if we DID, I have to wonder if the climax of it would be Arlo blurting out something about being abandoned again for not being the perfect son - something he would immediately regret, but also something that Ansel, for as hurt as he would be to hear it, would still understand.

Frankly, I would love to see a scene where these two have a heart-to-heart where Arlo admits that while he isn't mad at his dad, he still feels hurt and afraid. He loves his dad wholeheartedly and has loved getting to spend time with him and get to know him, but there's a small part of him that doesn't fully trust him just yet - and Ansel completely gets it, saying that he doesn't blame Arlo for not being able to just forget about his abandonment and, what's more, that while he's grateful for Arlo's forgiveness, he doesn't necessarily deserve the full forgive-and-forget treatment. "I spent years trying to make myself forget what I did, to make it easier on myself... It wasn't right then, and it wouldn't be right now."

And in the end, this missing trust is just accepted as one more thing they have to continue working on, with Ansel promising that he'll do - and keep doing - whatever he needs for Arlo to know that not only does he love him, but he won't ever turn his back on his son again, no matter what.

It's not a perfect solution by any means nor does it completely fix things, but they both agree that it's at the very least a good step forward ^v^

[veliseraptor]

February Reading Recap

Getting to this one real late but it's fine because I only read three books in February anyway.

Episode Thirteen by Craig DiLouie. I'm a sucker for books that are doing something interesting with format, and this one caught me with the "ghost hunting TV show episode" format and then surprised me a little by being both better and scarier than I expected. I don't think I'd say that it's among the best horror I've read, but it was a good time, and spooky, and left enough of the "what's going on" vague and undefined for me to appreciate it.

There's at least one interesting thing that the author did with the format that I completely missed, though (having to do with time stamps, so that's on me for never paying a lot of attention to time stamps). Makes me wonder a little what else I might've missed. This author wrote another horror novel I've seen floating around (The Children of Red Peak), and I enjoyed this one enough that I'll probably give it a read.

The Husky and His White Cat Shizun: vol. 2 by Meatbun Doesn't Eat Meat. I'm still in very familiar territory with this one so far based on what I remember from the first time I read it, but it is (as with most cnovels) definitely rewarding reread with the benefit of hindsight. I am very much enjoying it, still, and finishing this volume kicked me into trawling AO3 for fanfiction, so I feel like that speaks well of the experience.

The drawback (one of the drawbacks) to this novel being so damn long is that we're not really in a part of it that I have particularly strong feelings about, and because of the novel's length it's also going to be a minute before we get to the parts that I do remember having strong feelings about. me @ Ye Wangxi though: 👀

The Glory of the Empire by Jean d'Ormesson. This book is both fascinating and very hard for me to figure out how to talk about. The conceit is quite possibly my favorite thing about it - this book is written as a narrative history of a completely fictional empire, in the style of (classically) Herodotus or Suetonius, but in more modern terms I think was meant to evoke Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, which I haven't read. I wonder what would be different (or not) about my experience reading this book if I had that background, since I do feel like this is a text that is very much existing in deliberate conversation with those it is playing off.

I imagine I do not have to explain to the Goncharov website why this is a fascinating exercise. It's a history! Of an entirely made up empire! Including citations of articles and books and asides about different interpretations/the relevance of new "discoveries" to the author's argument. It's conceptually fascinating. It also reads as (not to put too fine a point on it) orientalist and bordering on racist in the way it talks about real cultures external to the one being imagined. It is possible that is on purpose as part of the author's project, since it does very much feel in keeping with the texture of the genre d'Ormesson is pastiching here, but also it is possible that it's just an artifact of this being a book written in French in the 1970s, and it's hard for me to say how much it is one or the other. Certainly for some people it might not matter at all; for me it would make a substantial difference.

Anyway, fascinating book, still not sure what to make of it, kind of want to shove it at other people I know and go "here read this and talk to me about it."

Presently I am reading Eyes of the Void by Adrian Tchaikvosky which I am (unsurprisingly) really enjoying (I can probably call him one of my favorite authors at this point); I have a whole bunch of scattered things I'm looking at reading next and no clear idea where I'm going to land, though I do think I might try to get into finishing my Wheel of Time reread soon.

[tm-trx]

Step By Step, ep 1-6

I have caught up on the aired episodes and have compiled some thoughts below the cut. Couples first, then some general show notes.

Sp*ilers ahoy!

Jaab/Jen

Jen kissing Jaab, when he seemingly has a boyfriend: Is this him giving in to pure physical attraction? Mistaking close friendship (influenced by the flattery of that friend pursuing him) for more? Is something wrong in Jen’s relationship with Mon and that’s why he kissed Jaab? (This is my preferred explanation, because I love angst and there is a lot of excellent drama potential there. However, considering they are a side couple, I think they won’t be going the evil!Mon route.)

I do think there is more to Jen’s story. I’ll be very surprised if they’re doing a straightforward cheating storyline with Jaab and Jen.

Apart from that: dang do those two have intimate chemistry. The kiss was intense. And the symbolism of ‘crossing the line’ between the two beds in order to kiss was perfect. (It also explains why the beds were so close to begin with. I’ve never once seen hotel beds placed so closely together, which I found amusing until Jaab made his move.)

Put/Pat

Up until episode 6, I half thought that maybe Put had history with Jeng too. Jeng’s interactions with Put seemed very comfortable and familiar, so it seemed like an actual triangle might be building. But it seems like that’s not the case. Too bad, because it would have been a lot better than a pining/jealous Put. In that vein, I need some ex-lovers to show up for Jeng, because he’s losing to Pat 2:0 so far. (That’s assuming Kong is an ex. Pat’s reaction to his IG posts made me think he was, and if he is it makes what Kong did even worse and might also explain why he went so far.)

I like what they’ve done with Put and Pat’s relationship so far. I like how the reveal of their history developed, and that Put isn’t actually a stalker. He’s just pining and regretful. At this point in the show, I definitely see them dating for awhile until they both realize they are trying to go back to what they had. (And also, Pat is half in love with Jeng.) It would also give Jeng the push to pursue Pat. In fact, I really hope that is the direction the rest of the season takes because I can see how it all shakes out over the next couple episodes and it would be great.

Jeng/Pat

The slowest of slow burns. I think we’ll get one kiss (and maybe an overnight) before one of them decides they can’t date while Jeng is Pat’s boss. The office-related plot (with its emphasis on appropriate workplace behavior) has been too prevalent so far for me to believe that either of them would be okay with a boss/subordinate romantic relationship. Pining/in love, yes. Actually going through with it and still working together as they are, no.

Also, I don’t mind age gaps, but Jeng looks old enough to be the CEO rather than the CEO’s son (even in scenes with his father). It throws me off a bit. He needs to smile more because when he does, he looks much younger. Perhaps that will be part of his continued character growth; learning to loosen up in general.

I am impressed with what they’ve done with Jeng so far. I don’t think I’ve seen an office drama with a character like him working on improving himself in this way. It’s nice to see and I like him more and more every episode.

Chot/Krit

10/10, no notes. Just kidding. I LOVE THEM. Bruce is the reason I started watching this show while it’s still airing and I was not disappointed. Chot is an absolute delight. And I know what Krit said about the words being enough, but I do think Chot would love a little beach ceremony, just saying.

Ae/Kunan, Beam

They are great side characters, but I did not expect a pining best friend. Not thrilled about that. Two love triangles in one show is two too many.

Selections From the TV Journal

Some of the ost music+scene pairings are jarring and odd. Music should either ‘disappear’ into the background or emphasize a significant moment. The viewer shouldn’t be distracted by song choice. Also, some of it sounded like tv commercial music.

I almost quit after episode 2. Too close to home. Also, who doesn’t use templates in PowerPoint? That’s like the first easy shortcut you learn.

Loved the product placement meta joke in episode 3.

I am past being over all of the office gossip happening out in the open where anyone could overhear. I do not like Ying.

Did those two kids really put up a fake out of order sign on the showers so it’d be free for them to fool around?! Hilarious.

I really like Nan. She’s such a good work friend/mentor for Pat.

The BL industry call out was so pointed and well done, even as frustrating as it was to watch in-show. I felt for Pat and Chot in that scene.

I want to know more about Chot and Krit. Why aren’t they the main side couple? I cannot help being suspicious about the little side pairing montage in episode 5. I’m hoping it was just a straightforward ‘catch up’ deal rather than foreshadowing.

Big sighting, yay. Someone give him a lead role.

The IKEA ‘date’ was cute.

I’m glad that I stuck with the show. I’m enjoying it a lot and am looking forward to seeing what happens next.

[farieshades]

...... I had a ask. I did really. But I can't remember it so now I'm just sipping my coffee staring into space like a badly written fanfic.

What would you change about Supernatural? (Yes Far the TV show)

I do like how you included “For the TV show” knowing full well that I could and would rant about mythology and the supernatural/paranormal for hours. 

Power 

In the earlier seasons, this made a lot of sense. There was an intrinsic fear the audience held for the characters. A “Oh no, what’s going to happen, will x survive?” but, over time the Brothers gained too much ‘power’. It wasn’t that they obtained really any special ability (although, that could very well be argued in certain seasons) but by the end of it they were just humans fighting against darkness encroaching upon others. 

From a writing standpoint, there was a need to make the characters stronger I suppose, as soon as you introduce angels and Chuck, but really, each season tried to up the ante of what came before. - You Fought and Won against Azazel? Time to Introduce Lucifer - You Fought and Won against Lucifer? Time to introduce another bastard. 

I mean really, what is the progression? Meg/Azazel > Azazel > Lilith x2 > Lucifer > Eve / Crowley (and Castiel somehow) > Leviathans and Politics > Crowley and Metatron > Abaddon > Mark of Cain or Rowena?> The Darkness/Amara > British Men of Letters/Lucifer (how are you still here didn't we deal with you already? Why are we bringing Lucifer back into plots) > Lucifer/Apocalypse World Michael > AW Michael > God himself. 

It was similar, in my mind, how Buffy TVS goes up against her BBEG’s who do progressively get worse, but, not in the same way? The Master (simple, evil, background bad guy who is a genuine threat when he shows up those few times throughout the seasons w/ parallel world bullshit) > Spike/Drusilla (easy fight at anytime as they are just vampires tho they add plenty to the plot - then again, the two collectivelly killed 4(?) slayers) > The Mayor (who is of course evil, we love evil polititions in fantasy, right Dick Roman? At least Dick Roman didn't turn into a giant snake, he just... kinda ate people?>The Initiative-Adam (Shadowy government making a frankenstein killing machine that doesn't obey orders like they hoped) > Glory (we love gods of alternate hellwords being exiled to earth and somehow living the life of luxury) > Dark Willow + The Three Idiots of Geekdom (Willow was great actually and it caused a lot of things to go tits up - The trio, however, sucked but they did cause the dark Willow so ... shrug?) > The First Evil (which is great, supposedly end-of-times bad who you need to show power of friendship or something to combat and stuff, but it was also very downplayed)

But Back to SPN - the BBEG’s just get stronger and stronger and at some point there’s no fear or thrill in hunting them, and the Monster-of-the-week episodes as filler pose absolutely no threat to the brothers whereas when we were in season 1-3 the monster-of-the-week was terrifying and, well, followed a familiar script that worked. 

So, keeping the brother’s at the same level as they were would be a change I’d make. Not in…. Like, ok, they get more confident in themselves because they are good hunters, definitely some of the best, but they surpass cocky and confident in their actions [which i blame writers irl but also John Winchester to make the characters actually work in this way - he makes them think this is the way they must act and they do type of deal]. 

The Apocalypse (Season 5)

Another change I’d probably do would be to separate the series into two different types. SPN could have ended at the end of Season 5. We lost Sam, but the Apocalypse is prevented. A good hero-arc, sacrifice, and well you get the bittersweet pain of knowing that this wouldn’t have happened if not for the first episode. It would finish perfectly, Dean must live with the knowledge that he brought his brother back into hunting, while Sam becomes a tragic hero making the ultimate sacrifice… Maybe I just like angst. 

Season 6+ could very easily be a continuation, sure, but in more of a spin-off sense. Bringing back soulless Sam makes the sacrifice almost silly the previous season. 

I do like the seasons as they are, but that’s just how my head is structuring a lot of it. I do like how the characters grew, the side characters getting introduced, the family background we slowly learn (how is it that all the campbells show up and no past winchesters do barring whats-his-name grandpa man? More american men of letters from history would be more interesting than whateverthefuck the british MoL were doing.)

Or hell, switch it around like a DW season and have new hunters replace people and its no longer Winchester Brothers but the entire community taking on more and more bad, instead of constantly upping the crisis you could see different places of the world rather than America/Canada/UK, you could see hunters in Russia or Japan or India. -- It wouldn’t have likely been a idea at the time of filming it, but that’s an interesting thought to be sure.

[deasbanker]

Watching Ghibli film as a sort of Japanese habit for the summertime, so I rent 5 minor movies!

26/7/2024

Every Japanese person should have an experience of watching Ghibli film on TV at least once in its lifetime. Nippon Television（日本テレビ）, or Channel 4 in Japan, has constantly aired Ghibli movies in their night program called Friday road SHOW for more than 25 years. Especially, it tends to broadcast some of them in summer. That's why people who have lived in Japan for so long associate the Studio Ghibli with summer with great ease. Then, I've rented some DVDs as our sort of tradition and I'm expecting that I will be able to make the most of the summertime through this pastime.

＊

"Only Yesterday（おもひでぽろぽろ）" directed by Isao Takahata（1991）

"Only Yesterday" follows a woman called Taeko across two different timelines; the director Takahata did well in expressing visually what is like exploring the gap between someone's past and present in mind by using color contrast as well as a rough background in the past sequence. Then, younger herself shows up around her like she follows and sticks to her everywhere she goes. This double-layered screen in animation can be reflective of a kind of universal phenomenon that memories will always be with you wherever you go.

I, actually, had watched this movie once on TV when I was young and since then, I've remembered the scene about menstruation experienced by girls in/at elementary school; because their experience was so close to mine, and also it used to be rare to see episodes about period in public at that time.

However, for this time, I found myself relating to and gravitating toward other aspects of this movie, which was mostly the present part, such as the procedure of dying with the safflower（Benibana）, life in the countryside, and her introspective attitude to the past. Since I'm now 25, my viewpoint should differ from that of younger myself. In fact, I have a pile of memories to look back at and experiences to recall compared to a child. That is an adult, I've got convinced myself.

Again, this was also about what woman in Japan experiences as a girl/woman（I don't want to separate people by sex or gender, but most of Taeko's experiences seemed to be attributed to her gender）, I assume. Even though her childhood was during the 1980s, or long before I was born and I spent my own childhood, there was no big difference between us. It means that the society has yet to change a lot in term of gender roles, which is sad, indeed.

"Ocean Waves（海がきこえる）" directed by Tomomi Mochizuki（1993）

This is a 60 minute-long film adaptation made by younger artists at the Ghibli Studio and originally aimed for broadcasting but a theater. Nevertheless, I have never seen this on TV since I was born, and now it is only available on DVD and Blu-ray. So, I suppose that it's little known despite the New Media Age.

The story is all about reminiscence, as is "Only Yesterday". A man looked back at his high school days with a transfer girl before the reunion. He tells us about a series of events in the past not only from his viewpoint calmly but also in an objective way; that's why the film managed to show the wonders of meeting and separation on the globe and one theory that love can't always be explained.

I think that "distance" is a theme of this movie. It can help us to put things in perspective, especially we are stuck in something. Growing up, his classmate said that bumping into old familiar faces in another world could lead her to feel so relieved and comfortable that she rejoiced to see even one who she used to dislike. That resonated with me a lot, and I like this scene. Things change, people change, and feelings change. When I was young, I didn't think of such as good, but now I understand to the core.

"My neighbors the Yamadas（ホーホケキョ となりの山田くん）" directed by Isao Takahata（1999）

The Yamadas seems a bit traditional but still be a familiar family structure in Japan, as far as I can see. So, I, in my mid-20s, could deeply relate to many scenes of everyday life in their family and remembered my childhood vividly. Yet, at the same time, I found it a bit stressful for me to see this father behave as the head of a family and embody "patriarchy", although I tried to keep in mind that the movie was released 25 years ago.

Having said that, I liked its character design and its atmosphere which a very delicate touch in illustration and cheerful music by Akiko Yano, who is one of my recent favorite musicians, create very much. As well as that, I appreciate the late Takahata's direction, which always depicts memory or the past well to the point where I'm tearing up; for instance, this stripped down paintings, I mean its faint touch can feel like reminiscence. How nostalgic it is!

＊

I've rented two more DVDs: "ジブリの本棚"（Hayao's large book list）, a documentary film, and "Studio Ghibli short film collection（from 1993 to 2016）".

The former is all about worldwide children books, especially from the series of Iwanami Children books（岩波少年文庫）curated by a publisher Iwanami, and what Hayao Miyazaki as a creator had been inspired by. Then, he introduced some of the books on his list in detail and told anecdotes about behind the scenes of some films he made or his apprentice days in relation to children books. I liked this documentary in that director Miyazaki talked a lot enjoying himself and looked more interested than I've ever watched.

As for the latter, it was mostly dedicated to TV commercials made by the Ghibli Studio, but there was also a piece of art above named "On Your Mark" directed by Hayao Miyazaki, which was originally made as a music video with a storyline for its song by the J-POP duo CHAGE and ASKA. The story is that an angel is helped to escape from the authorities by two male officers set in the near future. It has a cyberpunk vibe, but somewhere peaceful in nature seemed like an ideal destination in this short film, which Miyazaki should like. Yet, personally, I'm not a fan of those kinds of stories, besides the song and its character design. He tends to depict young women as vulnerable and being rescued by men in the end, although they surely appear to have opinions, be confident, and independent.

[eirasummersreview]

The Sandman (Netflix) review

I finished The Sandman a few weeks ago and I quite enjoyed it. It's that type of absurd and chaotic shows that have cohesion within themselves and I like them. I'll add before I start, I am not familiar with the original comics and I have never read them. This will be about the tv show only. And now, let's proceed with the review:

Story:

I'd say there's the overall story about Dream that keeps moving alongside some other shorter arcs. It does start with him as the main focus, but soon turns to him dealing with other situations and problems that arise (or have been there for a while). It's all very chaotic in its presentation, but makes sense when you tie it with a story about "dreams" most of the time. I also didn't feel lost at any point. It's more like I was along for the ride, wether I had all the info or not.

About the lore, I think that was the most interesting part for me. Knowing how this world works, the rules it has, all the different dimensions/realms and how they influence the "regular" world. I was always waiting for more info on them and wasn't disappointed by them. Of course, it was never explained directly, it was shown most of the time or told with a brief explanation. But I do prefer them doing it this way, seems more organic and integrated in the story.

Characters:

All the characters were interesting and had so many particularities that made them seem "real" in a way. I did enjoy learning about them all. Definitely the strongest point in this tv show, in my opinion, is the characters. They also each had their motivations and circumstances, leading to them making understandable decisions during the plot. I might've agreed more with some than the others, but still they all made "sense" (as much as they could in a story like this hahaha).

I was particularly interested in the Endless and all the "non human" characters that appeared through the story, although that doesn't mean the humans weren't also good and interesting, because they were too. If I have to say, probably Death was my personal favourite of them all.

Aesthetic:

I think the aesthetic was also solid. All the caracters had really particular and distinctive aesthetics, quirky enough to fit the universe they were in, but also not so much it looked like a "costume" and you couldn't take them seriously.

And as far as backgrounds, lighting and scenes, they were all really pretty and well executed. Some of the still shots were really beautiful, seemed diretly taken from the concept art or some illustration, which made them stand out in a really good way.

Although I will also add that it has the same problem a lot of modern tv shows and movies have: it was too dark at times. So much that you could barely see what was going on. It wasn't too often compared to other ones, but it was still present for sure.

---

Overall, as I said I enjoyed it. Although I do think it might not be for everyone, since it's a really particular style and is dialogue heavy. But I'd recommend giving it a try and watch the first 2-3 episodes to see if you enjoy it~ As an end note, I really liked episode 5. It might be the one most separate from the overall plot, but the way it's shot and told was really interesting and engaging.

That's all~ If they do a season 2 at some point, I'll probably watch it as well and do a review of it as well C:

[blu-joons]

Very First Anime ~ Yuta Nakamoto

As soon as he walked into the apartment, Yuta’s brows furrowed. The sounds were familiar, but unexpected, and as he walked through into the living room, his guesses were only confirmed by what he saw playing on the TV, with your attention captured too.

“What’s going on?” He instantly asked, making you jump by the sudden sound of his voice. “Do you want me to pass you the remote or something?”

Your head shook back at him, moving your legs so that he could take a seat beside you. “No, I put this on, take a seat, there’s another episode coming on in a minute.”

“Am I dreaming right now?” He chuckled, nervously taking a seat beside you. “Have I missed something or are you really sitting here and willingly watching anime right now?”

Your hand reached across to push gently against his arm, “don’t sound so surprised, I’ve listened to enough episodes in the background when you’ve been watching them before.”

“But I just never realised that you actually paid any attention to them,” he admitted, scratching the top of his head, “I never had anime down as something that you would enjoy.”

To some extent, Yuta was right, anime was far from something that you would enjoy, but you knew it was what he enjoyed. Seeing how happy it made him to watch it always left you feeling as if you were missing out on being able to enjoy it with him.

“It’s something you enjoy, and so I want to try and enjoy it too.”

You’d lost count of the number of anime episodes you’d watched late at night cuddled up besides Yuta, or in the background whilst the two of you prepared dinner. Although you were yet to fully understand what was happening, you couldn’t hide your enjoyment at what you were watching.

His smile slowly grew, allowing himself to relax as he realised what was happening wasn’t a joke. “If anime isn’t your thing, you don’t have to watch it just for me. There’s a reason why I don’t watch those reality shows that you do.”

“I can at least give it a try,” you responded, “it seems to make you happy, so why not me?”

His hand relaxed over your legs as the credits rolled on the episode that had just finished. “Answer me this then, did you have much of an idea of what happened in the episode you just watched?”

“A little, but I’m willing to learn, that’s what’s important, right?”

Yuta’s head instantly nodded back at you, impressed that you were so open to learning about something he adored. By now he’d probably watched almost every anime episode out there, but he was more than willing to watch them again with you.

As the next episode of the series played, you made sure to play a little more attention in order to impress Yuta. Whilst you had a basic understanding of who all of the characters were, you wanted to immerse yourself more in the storylines and understand the appeal to anime.

Despite it being something that you’d ignored for much of your life, you couldn’t ignore how important it was for Yuta. Even if you weren’t going to become anime’s biggest fan overnight, having it as something you shared in common was hugely important for you.

For the most part of the following episode, you were able to track what was going on. There were little moments of confusion, but you were learning, which Yuta admired in you too.

As the credits played once again, his eyes flickered across to you and the soft smile that was on your face. “You’re really serious about getting into anime, aren’t you?” He asked, as your head nodded back at him. “If you’ve got questions about any of this then you can just ask me.”

Your hand once again reached forwards and jabbed his hips, “I know if I ask you any questions then you’ll tease me, so I want to do this for myself. Attack on Titan has been recommended to me a lot, so maybe I’ll try that next.”

“We could watch it together, I love that one,” he cheered.

Your eyebrows raised, silently reminding Yuta of what you’d just said. “I want to watch it and then I can impress you with all of the things that I’ve learnt. I want to pay attention and not have you talk over it like you usually do.”

As disappointed as he was not to be able to watch with you, Yuta understood. This was your thing, and you wanted to learn about the things he loved at your own pace without him getting in the way of it.

“I’m excited to sit down and watch anime with you,” he whispered, “but only when you’re ready. There’s a new programme I’ve been considering starting, maybe I could save it to watch with you when you want to.”

“That would be nice,” you responded, “but are you really sure you can wait that long? I know how impatient you are?”

Too many times you’d had to rush home because a new episode was being released or a trailer being posted online. You could only admire Yuta’s enthusiasm for it all, he was definitely dedicated to it, which you hoped to try and be too.

“I’ll wait, but only because it’s to watch with you.”

“Are you sure? That means no watching clips on YouTube or anything like you usually do.”

Reluctantly his head nodded back at you, although it would be hard for him to do, he was determined to watch it with you. His mind was already thinking about the late evenings cuddled up together on the sofa whilst you watched an episode together.

Similarly, Yuta couldn’t quite express how grateful he was to you for starting to invest in the things that made him happy. Whilst he knew anime wasn’t exactly your cup of tea, you were willing to give it a try, just for him.

You watched on as he leant in towards you, “maybe I’ll start trying to get into a few of those reality shows you like seeing as you’ve tried anime.”

Your eyes widened with a very quick shake of your head, “I’ve not started watching anime to get you to start watching my programmes,” you frantically explained to him, “I know those programmes would completely bore you, and that’s alright. Please, don’t start watching them just because of this Yuta.”

“I want to,” he assured you, pressing a kiss against your cheek, “and at least when we go out with your mates then I might start to have a clue about what you’re all talking about. It means a lot to me that you’re willing to give anime a try, and so the only way I can really show my gratitude is to do the same for you and the things that you enjoy.”

Your head nodded back at him, knowing there was never a chance of arguing with Yuta. “There’s a new series I’ve been wanting to watch anyway, maybe we could watch an episode of anime, and then an episode of mine.”

“That’s a great idea,” Yuta cheered, pulling against you tighter, “plus it means that I have more time to spend with you, so there’s no possible way that I could find any flaw in this plan, it sounds like perfection.”

“You might not be saying that a few episodes into my programme,” you joked.

“And you might say that after watching some anime too.”

“Touché Yuta. Touché.”

---

Masterlist

[waitmyturtles]

(Wiling away time in nail-biting anticipation for the penultimate episode of Extraordinary Attorney Woo....)

So, like a good South Asian-American, I did absolutely binge Indian Matchmaking, knowing full well all of the problematic crap behind it and in front of it. Huge, HUGE biased caveat right now before this review: for me, writing about South Asian culture will often have me feeling that familiarity breeds contempt. I feel like my biases will seep through my pores when I think about these issues, but alas, at least I know I’m feeling these feelings. 

I honestly do not watch very much reality TV -- as this blog indicates, I mostly watch East and Southeast Asian shows. (If you’ve ever watched the daily dramas on Zee TV, you might understand why.) I also don’t watch very many Bollywood films. And finally -- I grew up in a Western religious background, so many of the customs around “Indian” relationships that are directly tied to Hinduism/Islam/Sikhism/Jain practices aren’t necessarily ones that I grew up with.

However. There are many cultural practices, sometimes loosely associated with the religious practices previously mentioned, that I AM familiar with and was expected to follow from my childhood into adulthood. 

Putting that all together, I could relate somewhat to what was happening on Indian Matchmaking. (Important caveat, though: my particular cohort of friends who are South Asian, including myself, have largely partnered with people of different races.) 

What I can’t stand about lazy show reviews is that oftentimes, viewers ask the show to do things that the show is not intended to do. I can’t ask Indian Matchmaking to, say, address intergenerational trauma of arranged marriages, especially those that absolutely don’t work out. I can’t ask Indian Matchmaking to address misogyny in the expectations that women -- very often, professionally educated and trained women -- are expected to give up their jobs to live at home, often with their in-laws, and produce and raise children. I can’t ask Indian Matchmaking to address to the parents of adult children that the purpose of marriage is NOT the actual wedding and party itself, but the lifelong commitment to a partner to create a family. 

And.... yet. Of course, I want this show to address all of this, because all of these expectations, including the expectation that I would give up a professional career, were placed on me by my own parents. Thus, did I get any joy out of watching this show?

Somewhat. I was actually fascinated by watching the continued journey of Aparna from Season 1, who very clearly does not want to do the work of dating. And you know what -- if she would just admit that, I would seriously respect her more. Dating is hard! Finding a partner is hard! She’s deeply committed to her career. How could a show about the antiquated notions of Indian relationships and marriage possibly push her to think any differently? She was just so not into dating, and I had to give her respect for kind of recognizing that. 

I ultimately think the portrayal of Sima Taparia as a kind of relationship guru is painfully detrimental, and unfortunately accurate, to my Indian culture. She states that marriages are “between two families.” For those of us who are a part of the Indian immigrant diaspora, that kind of “arrangement,” even with partners of different races, is, I think, deeply flawed. It doesn’t take into account, in multiracial relationships, how other cultures may view marriage themselves. And that notion places Indian cultural mores as dominant in the fashioning of a relationship and a marriage.

My partner and I fought against a lot of these practices when we were getting together, and frankly, even after years and years, I still suffer the effects of the stress of getting through those demands to get to a point where we could marry. Indian Matchmaking reinforces notions that a marriage is a surface agreement -- not a deep, lifelong commitment to creating a family between two people, and acknowledging the incredible emotional compromises that come with that pairing.

[kaywinchester]

Last Resort

anon asked: Hey! I love your work! Do you think you could do a sister!reader fic where Dean, Sam and Cas are away on a long hunt, and the reader (younger, maybe between 11-14) has a panic attack? Since her brothers nor Cas can help, Crowley shows up... Thank you!

Word Count: 1,762

A/N: I know panic attacks can be different for a lot of people, so I kind of just made the panic attack in this story how mine usually are. I also set this before the boys found the bunker since Crowley is still around.  *Also not my gif*

“Hey, wake up.... Y/N c’mon wake up.” Sam said as he shook your sleeping form. 

You rolled over to your side and blinked your eyes open slowly, adjusting to the light shining in from the hallway.

“M’what?” You mumbled.

“Y/N, Cas called us. Dean and I have to leave to go help him, it’s important.”

“What’s going on?” You wondered, looking over at the clock on the nightstand to see that it was 2:30 in the morning. 

“We’ll call you and explain everything later, but we have to leave. We might be gone for a few days but I wanted to let you know.” Sam said frantically.

“Okay, call me in the morning.” You said, still half asleep and not really understanding what was going on. 

Sam nodded and shut the lights off as he and Dean gathered their things before leaving the motel room. You rolled to your other side and fell back asleep within minutes.

....................

You woke up the next morning and sat up in bed, looking around, you were confused as to why Sam and Dean weren't there. It took you a minute but you remembered Sam waking you up. Just as you were thinking about where the hell they went, your phone rang.

“Sam?”

“Hey, how’re you doing?”

“Uh, where are you guys and when are you coming back?” 

“Sorry for leaving in such a rush. Cas called us about some other angels that are going around taking people out. Normally he’d be able to handle this himself but they're moving pretty fast.” Sam explained.

“When will you be back?”

“Not sure, but this one might take a few days. Maybe a week at worst, but we’ll keep you updated.”

“What about food?” You asked, glancing at the small motel kitchen. 

“Dean went on a supply run after you fell asleep last night, the fridge should be stocked. We wouldn’t leave you alone if we thought you couldn't handle it.” Sam said.

“Okay, well, hurry back.” 

“We will. Gotta go, we’ll talk to you later.” “Stay safe, Y/N/N.” You heard Dean say in the background.

....................

It had been 4 days since the boys left and you were bored out of your mind. You had opened snack after snack, watched way too much tv, and even snuck two of Dean’s beers. You knew he would notice and be pissed off but you didn't even care at the time. 

Just when you thought you would be fine by yourself, you weren't. 

The paranoia started to set in, which happened often when the boys would leave on longer hunts and not take you with them. Sometimes, you were able to brush it off and be patient until they got back. Other times like this, it was like a nagging feeling of terrible thoughts that would set off a panic attack.

There was a string of bad thoughts that kept rushing through your head. Wondering if Sam and Dean would be okay, if they were going to make it back safely, or if they were already dead and you just didn’t know it yet. 

These thoughts sent you pacing back and forth around the motel room. You chewed your lip as you imagined Sam and Dean walking through the door with their bags, trying your best to calm yourself down. 

You sat down on the edge of the bed as you felt your breathing picking up, feeling so panicked and uncomfortable, being alone for longer than you were okay with. You wanted to call Sam and Dean to check in but you didn’t want to be a bother. Your brothers knew that you had occasional panic attacks, but they didn’t know the extent of them. It was also a little embarrassing, so you decided to keep it on the low. 

That’s when your phone rang, seeing it was Sam, you answered almost right away.

“Sammy?” You breathed out.

“Hey kiddo. What’s up?” Dean answered instead.

“Uh, hey.... nothing much.... Is Sam there?”

“Yeah, he just fell asleep in the passenger seat. Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine, just um.... when will you be back?”

“We just finished up actually. We were able to track down the last string of dickhead angels so were on our way back right now.”

“How long?” You asked a little too eagerly. 

“Should be there in about 4 hours, could be less.... You know how I drive.” Dean let out a chuckle. 

“Ok great, hurry back.” Was all you could think of saying before hanging up the phone. 

....................

Sam stirred in his seat, waking up and turning to Dean to see his phone in his hand. “What are you doing with my phone?”

“Y/N called, she was just asking where we were.”

“Oh. How is she?”

“Good... sounded a little weird though.”

“What do you mean weird?”

“I dunno. She’s probably just getting impatient.”

Sam took a moment to think about how Dean worded that, realizing you might've been having an episode.

“No more stops tonight, let’s get back as soon as possible.”

“Why?”

“She might be panicking a little bit, we’ve been gone for almost a week.”

“She’ll be fine, she just needs to get used to being on her own.” Dean started being insensitive. 

“Dean, I don’t think you know how panic attacks work.”

“She doesn't still have those, does she?”

“Yes, as far as I know she does, and depending on the person, they can get pretty bad.”

Dean didn't say anything after that and continued to drive faster. 

....................

You sat on the floor up against the motel bed and talked to yourself in your head, praying to Cas since your brothers were still a long ways away. You repeated the same message over and over, expecting to see Cas pop up in front of you, but it never happened.

You started to panic even more that you started to repeat your cry for help out loud, not to anyone directly, but in hopes of feeling like someone was listening. 

You weren’t expecting it but someone was listening. 

And that someone was Crowley.

Crowley appeared after minutes of you talking, it scared the shit out of you, making you spring up from where you were sitting. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” You questioned.

“Well, someone is a little uneasy from what I heard.” He glanced back at you.

“Why are you even listening to me?”

“You clearly wanted someone to, and I was in the area.” Crowley said jokingly.

“Sam and Dean aren’t gonna like it when they see that you’re here.” You said as you backed up out of habit.

“Sam and Dean aren’t going to be here for a while now are they love? I might as well give you some sort of company.” He smirked, as he pulled out one of the kitchen chairs to sit down.

“Why are you acting nice?”

“Who said I was acting? The king of hell can’t do little Winchester a favor?”

“Why would you want to though, it’s pretty unlike you.”

“Let’s say I owe you and your brothers one, I can’t always be ruining things can I? That would just be bad for my reputation.” Crowley sassed.

You scoffed at his sarcastic remarks, then realizing that he did a good job of distracting you from how you were feeling.

“Thanks” you gave a small smile, accepting the nice gesture Crowley gave. 

“No need... Well, I guess my work here is done.” Crowley sighed. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have business to attend.” Before you could turn around to hear what Crowley was talking about, he was gone. Moments later, you heard a familiar car engine pull up in front of the motel room. 

Perfect timing.

You drew the curtains to reveal your brothers emerging from the car, with Cas already walking up to the door.

You let out a sigh of relief as you welcomed all three of them inside.

“Hello Y/N.....” Cas paused and looked around with suspicion growing on his face.

“What’s wrong?”

“I had a sense that one from the opposite side was lingering in this vicinity.”

“Okay, I literally understood none of that.”

“There was a demon here at some point. I’m sure of it.”

“Y/N, what’s he rambling about?” Dean asked as he hauled in the last of the things from the impala.

“Uh, I don’t know.” You lied.

Sam could see right through you face and knew something had happened. You didn’t look okay.

“Y/N, was there someone here? Did something try to hurt you?” Sam asked, grabbing Dean’s attention, stopping him from what he was doing.

“Well, Crowley...”

“Crowley!? Was he here?” Dean’s voice boomed.

“Dean, can you please not make a big deal...”

“Big deal!!?”

“Dean, dude seriously chill out. Just tell us what happened, Y/N.” Sam interrupted.

You told the three boys everything that happened. Sam immediately felt bad that he wasn’t there. Dean was worried that his little sister dealt with panic attacks this bad, but he still wasn’t happy that the king of hell just decided to pop in without warning. 

“Y/N/N, why didn’t you tell me over the phone?” Sam asked.

“I didn’t want you to worry. Plus, you were too far anyways.”

“Well next time that happens, you call us, no matter where we are. I promise, you mean more to us than our work, we’d drop everything, even if we were miles away just to get to you.” Sam explained.

“Yeah, what he said.” Dean chimed in.

“Wow, I love how much you care.” You joked.

“You know I love you Y/N/N..... but I’m gonna have to lay down some rules with Crowley, and one of them is no dropping in when I’m not here. I don’t trust that shady punk.”

Sam rolled his eyes and shrugged his arms, motioning for a hug which you gladly accepted.

“Nothing but chick flick moments over here. Get a room.” Dean scoffed.

“Shut up!”

“So, where is Crowley now?” Cas asked innocently.

“Were you even listening the whole time?” Sam asked confused.

“No, there is many things being said over angel radio.” 

“God dammit, Cas.” Dean said as he got up to grab a beer out of the fridge. “Who drank my beers?”

“Wasn’t me...” Sam shrugged. 

You knew you were in big trouble, forgetting about the choices you made earlier. So you slipped out the front door to let Dean cool down, but he had other plans. Sam quietly ratted you out as he motioned to the door that had just shut.

“Y/N! Get back here!” 

Requests are open again!

Tags:

@jackjackljaqui ​@hunting-the-grievers @susan-is-in-the-house@flirtyonsie @mersuperwholocked-lowlife @justsomedreaming

[captainsspnanon]

C2E60 - A Turtle By Any Other Name - rewatch

It’s odd.  I hated the HP trackers in CR, but I love the HP trackers in D20.  *shrugs*

Did I just watch the episode with the origin of “Hoot Growl” in D20? (or at least the episode where it comes up the most?)  Yes.  Am I jumping back into CR for now?  Also yes.

(I used to watch things that weren’t dnd, you know.  Like, tv shows and shit. *sighs wistfully*  ...then again, I’m very much a creature of habit.  Fell in love with Leverage?  Let’s watch Hustle, and White Collar, and Person of Interest...and not finish any of them.   EVENTUALLY.)

……...is this the episode which starts Fjord’s fear of turtles?  OH YES

Or, I suppose, Fjord’s fear of any creature Polymorphed into a small should be harmless thing that still decides to attack him.  *cough purple worm bunny cough*

Damn, looks like top table’s going to be a bit fuzzy again.  Hopefully it’ll get back to clear soon.  (from later on, it looks better now?  Can’t tell if the switched that cam with the standing Matt cam?  I give up XD)

Fun fact!  By watching C2 before C1, I had NO CLUE that Travis and Ashley are as close as they are, especially since Yasha and Fjord don’t interact too much until later on in the campaign.  So moments like now, when Yasha uses Healing Hands on Fjord, and even moments of Travis getting excited when she rages, I never got the unspoken background like I do now.  Very similar to not having the experience of having the twins first before Caleb and Jester, or Vaxleth before Beau and Caleb. Watching it know with the knowledge of all the relationships beforehand, I won’t say it impacts my watching greatly – because these are all professional actors and the PC relationships are so distinct, but it instead triggers small flashes of tie ins.  Was the Healing Hands a ‘Buddy!’ moment from C1?  Are Fjord and Beau so close because there was a layer of Keyleth and Grog that they didn’t get the chance to explore (I’m still fascinated by the fact that Marisha was considering a level of barbarian for Keyleth)?  It’s a unique undercurrent, because it’s not subtext in the campaign, it’s not anything layered in there from the cast.  It’s a fans-eye-view perspective of the dynamics.

*just heart-eyes Caleb’s description for Flaming Sphere*  I’m currently playing a Circle of Stars druid, and I’m flavoring a lot of my spells to be star-related, and I’m taking SO MUCH influence from how Liam played Caleb.  Throwing in a ton of flavor, but just over the span of a few seconds so that the rest of the table doesn’t feel like they’re sitting through a spiel.  (my Thorn Whip is a thin rope of inky darkness studded with pinpricks of starlight that pierce the target with flares of white.  Still piercing damage, still a cantrip, but flavored for funs.  No material components though, got my star map focus as a long dangling multi-disc earring)

First Making My Way!!!  Though in this case (and for a bit yet), they sing more of the song before they start shortening it up.  Two running jokes in quick succession for episodes!

Caleb killing the goblin and Matt tearing up the NPC sheet while the cast cracks up is the BEST.

lol Laura doughnut craving and then basically everyone jumping in quietly with an order

POLY MORPH POLY MORPH POLY MORPH

Huh, I forgot that the fear effect may be why Fjord is so frighted of it.  I’ll have to see if he makes his save or not.  REGARDLESS, I love that it becomes a running joke even without the fear effect.

Ah the Giant Tortoise vs having to use stats so Giant Snapping Turtle which suddenly is much more violent

Nothing as beautiful a representation of the top table by having Marisha hold the box of doughnuts and Travis and Liam LUNGE to hide the logo at the exact same time.  OH THE CHAOS.

LIGHTING GLOVES!!!! I don’t have much to say because just extended combat which is...yanno, just combat, but there’s still a lot of fun moments happening.

Huh.  Being more familiar with the rules of dnd now, it is interesting to see Matt make some weird calls that really make no sense.  Fjord can’t take the dodge action because he’s up against the wall?  I get that it’s a very funny moment and they’re all cracking jokes, but I can’t really see a mechanical reason that he wouldn’t be allowed to take the dodge, especially because he’s actively not doing anything else.  Doesn’t ruin my enjoyment!  But I’m definitely seeing things that I super didn’t notice the first time around because I didn’t know enough.

IT’S A REGULAR FUCKING TURTLE I love every aspect of this with my whole heart

holy crap I forgot that Matt really doesn’t let them rest!  This’ll be the third initiative of the day.  I know there’s a lot of debate in the dnd community about the 6-8 encounters per day and possible misunderstandings thereof, so I know that this is actually fairly reasonable, but also OOF.  They don’t even get a short rest in between any of these.  Then again, I’m also very low level right now in my game, so I wonder how something like this would play out for me when I’m at the equivalent level.  I’m not used to have lots of spell slots yet, I’m not even sure how many I would HAVE. Sadly, won’t be able to share anytime soon, I don’t expect to be around this level for half a year at least.  (infrequent games, sadly)

I love that Beau’s turn this combat is just to explain her notes to Caleb.  We’re getting into bookish!Beau territory, which I fucking love.  Still a good 21 episodes from where she gets her headband of intellect though.

LOL Now that I know who set the rift making machine, I am completely thrown by the fact that they suspected Dairon.  It makes complete sense!  I’m sure I agreed when I first saw it!  But now it’s just so unthinkable to me.

Alright, time to watch the last hour of this before I watch the two part finale of Fantasy High.  (still not fully vibing with this one personally, but I want to watch all of them in order, and they have a second run for it, plus I think The Seven is also set in the same world?  So watching them all.  Very much looking forwards to the second campaign for Unsleeping City, and I have a feeling I’ll probably end up loving Crown of Candy considering all the shit I hear about it?)

I feel so bad for Soorna, she feels so responsible for not being able to save her people.  :(  Visions have never been easy to interpret!  You did the best you can!

Beau and Caleb are knowledge buddies it makes me so happy you have no idea

YASHA DREAM YASHA DREAM YASHA DREAM

OH MY GOD we have our introduction to Obann in the dream AND IT NEVER CLICKED FOR ME UNTIL NOW by the time we meet Obann I’ve completely forgotten the dream BUT HE’S RIGHT THERE AND FULLY DESCRIBED

I do admit, there’s a part of me that really wishes that more of Yasha’s backstory got discussed.  She’s been designed to be super metal and badass, with the RP that then turns her to softness and gentleness.  Hell, she has the name Orphanmaker!  But we don’t really get to see in campaign too much that actually ends up backing that up.  The Obann arc and her tearing through the Cobalt Soul is pretty much the extent of it, with then the tiny tiny bit of her meeting her tribe in the very last episode (which I don’t even remember if I figured out that they were implying she killed the previous Skyspear with maybe more members of her tribe, or if I read a comment that said that).  I don’t know.  There are several good moments of RP for it, her guilt, some conversations with Caleb (well, one.  I NEEDED MORE OF THIS), her deliberate loss of the fight, I don’t want to lessen those moments, but I do wish we’d gotten more.  First watch through, I only really started to get Yasha once she was back full time (though got a bit more of her during this stay).  With this second pass through, I’ve got her from the start, but I still wish I knew more.  I do know that her comic just got released, but I have mixed feelings about the comics anyway.  I only read Caleb’s, but I saw enough of Jester’s to see just how many things in it contradicted things that were stated multiple times in campaign, so I don’t quite consider them full canon?  ...i think I’ve just gone in circles and not actually said anything this entire paragraph.

Mmmph…. I don’t get why Cad and Jester are awake.  Honestly wish this moment could have just been a Yasha and Nott moment.  I get that Cad has very high passive perception, but still.  I don’t know.  It leads to the great moment of Yasha in the storm trying confront her god, which is fantastic, but I still feel like it was a bit of inserting yourself into someone else’s moment.  Then again, they’re all so close at the table, AND they know that Ashley can get overwhelmed when the spotlight is on her (especially when she’s been away for so long!!).  ….once again, going in circles, not saying anything. Good thing the episode is almost over.

I feel a tiny bit bad for Matt.  Over the course of his campaigns, he has his gods do things in mysterious or interpretive ways, and the players are all like ‘spell it out for me plz I didn’t get it’ and then Matt has to have the gods come out and speak much more clearly than planned.  I think the most he really got to enjoy with his vagueness was with the Wildmother for Caduceus.  Poor Matt trying to Raven Queen for Vax and Liam just being ‘wut? explain plz, i am confuzed’.  I’m sure this is a pain most DMs end up feeling.  I still dread when my DM is going to put down a puzzle for us to solve and we’re probably gonna stare at it for hours not being sure what to do

“where do you find your strength” it makes sense that the Stormlord would still ask that of his followers, but it feels almost like someone asking you a riddle that you’ve already read the solution to online.  Not quite as earned.  I don’t know if Yasha WOULD feel like she gets her strength from her friends at this point.  (again, due to Ashley not being there so still restricted RP moments)

Ashley’s face when Yasha starts getting her feathers back.  I think she’s on the next Talks, and she mentions how she never thought it could happen.  They dissipate again by the end of the episode, but I suspect only a nat20 could have broken the shackles at this point.  Which I agree with, both in the moment and with hindsight.  Yasha needed more time to process, to accept, to struggle, and to heal.  Having the chains break now?  It just doesn’t feel right.

@suicidallyreckless

[jaesqueso]

The Bachelorette: NCT edition - Ep. 4

The season of love is finally here! An interactive series where you’ll get to choose who goes home each week and ultimately who Y/N chooses in the end!

pairing: nct(ot23) x fem!reader

summary: Warnings are given but egos still clash, meanwhile others are take their chances to get the bachelorette’s heart beating faster

episode guide

word count: 7,226

warnings: very light mentions of alcohol

☽ ・・・・・ ☾

Last week on the Bachelorette:

Y/N met 23 bachelors ready to prove they can be the man of her dreams. Some managed to impress, others not so much and were sent back home.

With some many men fighting for the same goal, egos are bound to clash and threaten to ruin the mood. Will this be a deal breaker for our bachelorette?

11 men remain on the race to 1 woman’s heart, but tonight 2 more will lose their chance.

Who will she choose? Who will she reject?

Find out on the Bachelorette!

-

“Hy guys!” Everybody cheers as Chris Harrison enters the guest house. “Last week things got a little heated on the cocktail party.” Looks are exchanged between the men in the room. “I just want to remind you what you’re here for. You are here to win Y/N’s love and you won’t get that by bickering at each other.”

They nod, clearing their heads and focussing on the main goal, you.

“This week we’ll have our usual 2 one-on-one dates and a group date. Remember that if you don’t receive a rose by the end of the individual dates you will go straight home. As for the group date, there’s the possibility to earn that rose and be safe from the ceremony. This week two of you will be going home.”

Some faces get nervous, others get excited with the chance of finally scoring that one-on-one date with you.

“As for me, I’ll get going. See you at the rose ceremony. Good luck!”

As Chris leaves the room, the familiar siren is heard and all eyes focus on the TV.

Nothing feels better than the wind running through your hair as the sun makes your skin glow and the feeling of the world at your feet.

Eyes widen across the room wondering what could that possibly mean.

Jeno, I hope you like being outdoors, because we’re about to go on a chill ride.

The chosen bachelor smiles proudly at the opportunity to spend more alone time with you.

“Congratulations boy!” Jaemin pats Jeno’s back as the gang disperses.

“Thanks man.” The bright smile never leaves Jeno’s face. “I’m so excited for this I don’t even care what we’re doing!”

“It will definitely be something outside.” Taeyong mentions. “Maybe you’re going on a boat ride or something.”

“That would be dope!” Johnny adds.

“Whatever it is, I’m just glad it’s finally happening.” Jeno comments.

“Can’t wait for my turn…” Taeyong sighs.

-

The next day Jeno gets ready to meet you, wearing casual sporty clothes. He enters the car that’s waiting for him outside the guest house and heads off to the city. A lot of thoughts are going through his head along with the exhilarating feeling of getting to spend some time alone with you.

The vehicle comes to a stop in front of a park. A smile grows on his face as he sees you in a pair of biker shorts and an oversized shirt standing between two bikes. 

"Hi Jeno.” You greet him matching the delighted expression on his face.

"Hey Y/N. Are we going somewhere?" He points to the bikes. 

"It's such a sunny warm day I thought we could go for a ride, what do you think?" 

"Sounds great to me!" 

You smile handing him his helmet. He puts it on his head and then helps you with yours. The weather is already quite hot but your cheeks are now burning with his closeness.

"Ready?" You ask him as you get on top of your bike. 

"Always." He winks and you chuckle as you two start your journey. 

You ride through the park at a bland pace, side by side, taking in your surroundings. The lake sparkles as rays of sunshine hit the surface, the grass is as green as it can be swaying with the light breeze, the laughter of the children playing around filling the air and the warmth of the love shared by young couples all around putting a shy smile on your faces.

"Looks like this is a romantic destination." Jeno looks at you with a smirk.

"Why do you think I brought you here?" You wink and ride ahead.

"Wait for me!" He chuckles trying to catch up with you.

You take a few turns around the park and then you guide him to the street. He looks at you confused.

"Where are we going?" He asks from behind having to ride like this now as the bike lane is quite narrow.

"I have a surprise for us, do you trust me?" Your joyful face as you take a quick glance over your shoulder gives him all the reassurance he needs.

"I trust you."

You ride through the city streets heading to less busy roads. You start to go up the hill and even though he has to pedal extra hard Jeno's able to place himself back by your side where he's happy to be.

As you get to a viewpoint he stops admiring the city that seemed so small from up there. He was caught by the beautiful sight until his trance was broken by the sound of your voice.

"Are you just going to stand there or are you going to join me?"

He looks at you and gasps at the scenario. There's a blanket on the grass and a picnic basket where you already took out some drinks and food from. Your bike rests against a tree and you sit on the floor patting the spot next to you for him to take.

He places his bike next to yours and then sits down. You look at each other for a few seconds before you break eye contact biting your lip.

"You must be thirsty." You grab a bottle of water and turn to him.

"Very much." He says in a teasing tone as he grabs the bottle, hand lingering over yours before he opens it to drink.

You try to hide the smile that insists on showing in your face and prepare two plates of food for you. You eat and talk while watching the busy city that looked so small and meaningless at this very moment.

After the talk you had at the group date two weeks ago you've been eager to spend more time with Jeno. You loved his approach, the way he makes you laugh and how comfortable he feels when it's just the two of you because you sure notice how quiet he gets when everybody else is around. Talking to him today just confirms that his personality is as interesting as his looks that take your breath away.

-

Back at the guest house things are getting heated.

“You came to apologise?” Hendery asks.

“Apologise for what?” Renjun scoffs.

“You gotta be kidding me.” Hendery shakes his head in annoyance.

“Dude, I don’t know what you’re talking about, you made all that fuss for nothing!” Renjun continues in a mocking tone that only makes the other more upset.

“For nothing?” Hendery can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You saw me walking to her and got in the way!”

“What? I didn’t that on purpose, it just happened.” Renjun tries to excuse himself.

“Oh yeah? What about that first day when I was talking to her and you came out of nowhere and took her?” Hendery is starting to lose his patience. “And Jeno told me how you did the same thing to him at the group date after the soccer game. Don’t play the victim now!”

“I’m not playing the victim, I just take every opportunity I can get, maybe you should do the same.” Renjun winks and Hendery almost jumps on him before he’s stopped by Jaehyun.

“What are you guys doing, are you crazy?” He asks.

“Are you two still going at it?” Yuta rolls his eyes.

“I’m not about to go home because this idiot keeps cutting me off!” Hendery says glaring into Renjun’s eyes.

“Maybe you should both just leave because clearly you’re more interested in fighting each other than winning her love!” Haechan shouts getting annoyed with the whole situation.

Before anyone could say anything else the siren is heard and they head inside. The bachelors make sure that the two protagonists of the fight sit away from each other.

Last week you showed me your looks, but now my question is: do you have moves?

Eyebrows are raised in confused expressions.

If you don’t see your name on the screen don’t worry, you can show me what you got in two days.

Fingers cross anxiously waiting for the names to pop up on the screen.

Johnny | Taeyong | Yuta | Doyoung | Jaehyun | Hendery | Renjun | Haechan | Jaemin

See you tomorrow!

“Shotaro, that’s you!” Yuta congratulates the boy as he still can’t believe it will finally be his turn. This is finally his time to prove himself to you and step out of the background.

-

"So, a little bird told me you play the guitar?" You question Jeno as you finish eating.

"That little bird seems to be accurate." He chuckles.

"Would you play me something?" You raise your eyebrow.

"I would love to, if only I had a guitar with me..." His face drops feeling like he missed a great opportunity to impress you.

"By all means," Jeno's eyes follow your moves as you get up and reach behind the tree where the bikes are at. "look at what I found here."

His face brightens up as you hand him a guitar that you had hidden there from the beginning. While he checks if the guitar is in tune, placing the strap over his shoulder, you put away the rest of the food placing the basket on the side to free up the space on the blanket.

"Any special requests?" He asks as you sit settled down in front of him.

"Surprise me." You tell him with a smile.

"Ok, I got it."

He places his fingers on the strings and with the first chords you instantly recognise the song.

"I've tried playin' it cool

But when I'm lookin' at you

I can't ever be brave

'Cause you make my heart race"

You bite your lip as you listen carefully to his beautiful voice.

"Shot me out of the sky

You're my kryptonite

You keep making me weak

Yeah, frozen, and can't breathe"

A smile rests on his lips as he keeps playing.

"Something's gotta give now

'Cause I'm dying just to make you see

That I need you here with me now

'Cause you've got that one thing"

He lifts his gaze to you as he sings the chorus.

"So get out, get out, get out of my head

And fall into my arms instead

I don't, I don't, don't know what it is

But I need that one thing, and

You've got that one thing"

As the last note fades into the nature sounds you clap.

"That was beautiful, Jeno. Thank you."

"Thanks." He looks down embarrassed and puts the guitar away.

You shift on your sit facing the city view and he scoots over sitting next to you. You sit there in a comfortable silence, your legs lightly touching making your heart beat faster.

You move your gaze to his face. The orange sunlight enhances his handsome features and you forget about everything else around you.

Feeling your eyes on him he turn his head to look at you and you gulp at the proximity of your faces. His gaze drops to your lips and slowly he leans his head towards yours giving you time to stop him if you wan to. But you don't want to, so you close your eyes and let his lips touch yours. You lift your hand to his cheek silently tell him it's ok and he smiles into the lovely kiss you're sharing.

After a while he leans back and you hide you face on his shoulder. He caresses your hair and leans his head against yours making sure to register this moment on his mind.

As the sun sets you get up and pack everything returning to the park to catch your ride to go back.

In the car the mood is as romantic as before between giggles and caresses. It feels right to share this moment with Jeno, you almost forget there are 10 other guys trying to win your heart.

The vehicle comes to a stop between the guest house and the mansion and you hold his wrist before he opens the door.

"Before we go, there's something I want to ask you."

"Anything." He smiles.

"Do you accept this rose?"

"Oh," he lets out a relieved sigh, "of course I do."

You happily pin the rose to his shirt.

"There's something I want to ask you too." He says with a cheeky smile.

"What is that?" You question curiously.

"Can I kiss you again?" You chuckle.

"Yes you can."

He leans in taking your lips again. This was a more confident kiss, passionate but still soft. When you pull apart you exit the car and give a warm hug before you split.

-

The following day the men exit the house leaving Jeno and Shotaro behind. The mood still feels a bit off after the argument of the day before so there isn’t a lot of talking until the driver stops. As they get out of the vehicle some of them cheer being in front of a dance studio.

They get in and automatically their jaws drop as they see you inside one of the rooms dancing to a modern RnB in a pair of leggings and a loose cropped shirt. Their eyes followed your every move around the room impressed by your flow and technique.

Once the music ends and your movements stop at the final pose the bachelors clap and whistle. You bow with a smile, even though you’re breathing heavily, and signal them to gather around.

“Hi guys, what did you think of my performance?”

“Amazing!”

“Awesome!”

And some other supportive words are heard around.

“I’m glad you like it but now it’s your turn!” Surprised expressions are seen on their faces. “Music and dance are two things I could never leave without so I need my man to be able to know how to move their body.”

You wink and they chuckle.

“You’ll be split in 3 teams of 3. Each team will chose a song and come up with a choreography for it to present to me.”

You see some scared faces around.

“I will then choose my favorite routine and the lucky team will join me for dinner. How’s that for motivation?”

The guys cheer and it’s your time to chuckle.

“Alright so I have a bag with numbers. You’ll each pull out one to decide the teams.”

You walk to the first boy in line as he pulls out a number from the bag.

“3.” Hendery says checking the number on his hand.

You move along the line, everybody reaching for a number.

“3.” Yuta nods at the first guy knowing they will be on the same team.

“1.” Jaemin grabs a different number.

“2.” Taeyong starts a new team.

“1.” Johnny joins Jaemin.

“2.” Renjun says and everybody feels relieved he and Hendery didn’t end up on the same team.

“3.” Haechan joins the first two boys.

“2.” Jaehyun completes the second team.

“1.” They all laugh as Doyoung pulls out the number from the bag even though it was clear what team he was in.

“So to recap team 1 is Jaemin, Johnny and Doyoung, team 2 is Taeyong, Renjun and Jaehyun and team 3 is Hendery, Yuta and Haechan.” You announce. “I will give you some time to choose your songs and prepare a small choreography. Good luck!” You blow them a kiss and leave the room.

The teams gather around and start planning. Some opinions clash in terms of concept however they decide to compromise and ultimately just come up with something nice and easy that will be sure to impress you.

After a while you come into the room and ask the boys if they’re ready to present their choreographies. With positive replies team 1 gets in position and the other teams sit on the floor next to you.

“Whenever you’re ready.” You say and they signal you to press play.

Love Yourself by Justin Bieber starts playing and you are surprised they chose a calm song. They move softly at the rhythm of the music and your eyes are drawn to Jaemin, not that Johnny and Doyoung aren’t doing a great job following the beat but you can’t deny Jaemin just catches your attention wherever he is. He looks straight into your eyes as he moves and again you feel nervous and scare of how he’s able to make your heart flutter like this.

Before you know it the song is over and everybody claps. You clear your throat breaking the trance Jaemin had you under and praise them for a good performance.

“Alright, team 2, you’re up!”

The next team gets in position as the first one sits, Jaemin taking his place right next to you. You look at him and he give you one of his warm smiles that you quickly return before turning your head back to the boys in front of you mentally telling yourself to pay attention.

They signal you to press play and you hear Paris in the Rain by Lauv. The song is chill but with some soft sexy vibes that they definitely take advantage of. Taeyong takes centre leading the other two boys that move accordingly. You love the way he moves, it feels so natural, so smooth, it almost looks as if he didn’t have a choreography and was just following the beat as it came. As you look over to Jaehyun his moves match the other boy but they are more calculated, nevertheless he’s the one who takes more advantage of the sexy vibes of the song and you are living for it. Glancing at Renjun there’s a nice balance between flow and technique, out of the three he’s the one that looks more concentrated careful not to screw up a move.

You all clap as the song comes to his end and you congratulate them on the amazing show they pulled off.

“Last but not least, team 3 the floor is yours!”

You start the music once when they’re ready and Post Malone’s Wow plays. The last team went with a more hip song showcasing modern, cool and trendy moves. Even though Yuta takes the middle place leading the group with his smooth moves you can’t help but look over to Hendery who seems to be made for this sound. The way he moves absolutely catches everybody’s attention in the best way possible and you are very impressed with his skills. You look over at Haechan and are surprised at his focused face that contrasts with his usually bubbly expression.

As they wrap up everybody claps and cheers.

“That’s was great you guys, all of you.” You get up walking to the middle of the room. “But I think I’ve made my decision.”

You leave some suspense in the air amused with the nervous faces in front of you.

“The winners are…” They mimic a drum roll with their hands on the floor making you chuckle before you reveal your answer. “Team 2!”

Taeyong, Jaehyun and Renjun get up jumping and hugging each other in victory. You see a few annoyed faces around but this is a competition after all, they can’t all win.

“Congratulations you three! I’m gonna let you go back and change before we meet for dinner. As for the rest of you, I’ll see you at the cocktail party.” You wink and leave the room going back to the mansion to get changed as well.

-

In the guest house Jeno and Shotaro talk about the dates.

“How are you feeling after getting the rose yesterday?” Shotaro asks.

“Oh man it feels amazing.” Jeno lets out a satisfied breath.

“This is the second time you get a rose before the ceremony right?”

“Yes it is, I got the group one after the soccer game.” Jeno recalls with a smile. “I feel like we’re really connecting now.”

“I really hope I get a rose tomorrow.” Shotaro lowers his head. “I’m always left for the end in the ceremonies and I feel like we’re not bonding like we should you know?” The other bachelor nods. “I see all of you matching up with her and sometimes I think maybe…” He takes a deep breath before he continues. “Maybe I don’t belong here.”

“Oh c’mon don’t say that.” Jeno comforts him. “If she’s keeping you here there must be a reason. She even choose you for the date tomorrow! Don’t give up just yet.”

“I guess you’re right…”

The front door is heard and the boys greet the others as they get back from the group date. The winning team gets ready to meet you for dinner as Jeno and Shotaro hear all about the activity.

-

Taeyong, Jaehyun and Renjun arrive at the restaurant where you stand by a beautiful waterfall wall in a beautiful asymmetrical black dress.

“Hi boys.” You greet with a grin as they eye you up and down clearly enjoying the view. “Are you hungry?” They look up at your face with widen eyes. “I have a table for us, should we go sit?”

They clear their throats as they follow you inside. When you get to the table you order a few drinks and you propose a toast.

“To a great performance!” You clink glasses and take a sip. “In all honesty that was really good, did you all choose the song together?”

“I was actually Taeyong’s idea and we liked it so it we decided to go with it.” Jaehyun explains.

“Nice!” You turn to the mentioned boy. “And did you come up with the choreography as well?”

“We all pinched in on that.” Renjun speaks before Taeyong has a chance to open his mouth.

“Taeyong had a few ideas for it and we added a couple more things.” Jaehyun explains glaring at Renjun. The latter rolls his eyes sipping his drink.

“Regardless, you did a great job.” You look back at Taeyong and give him a reassuring smile.

The food then arrives and the conversation gladly takes a happier turn. You discuss music styles and your favorite songs and artists and you definitely get some good recommendations from the boys. Once the meal is over you all get up and go to the bar area but then you hold Taeyong’s arm leaving him startled.

“Why don’t you guys go ahead and we’ll join you?” You tell the other boys.

Renjun is about to complain but Jaehyun grabs his arm rolling his eyes and dragging him away as you and Taeyong settle at a booth on a corner.

“So should you be taking the credit for the challenge or not?” You ask him with a teasing smile.

“Well, I mean…” He scratches the back of his head in embarrassment. “They did pinch in with some ideas but I guess the foundation was all me.”

“You know Taeyong, you don’t have to be so modest all the time.” You grab his hand. “Don’t get me wrong, I love that about you, I have noticed it before, but sometimes owning your actions can be helpfully specially in a competition like this.”

“You’re right.” He looks at you with a smile. “After all I’m here for you.”

With your own smile you continue talking getting to know each other more. He tells you all about his dance passion and it all makes sense now, the way he danced earlier was just extraordinary.

-

Back at the guest house Shotaro expresses his feelings about the group challenge.

“This week that I have the one-on-one date you guys do a dance competition? Not fair!” He chuckles.

“If only I knew I would’ve swapped places with you in a heart beat!” Hendery comments with a laugh.

“Oh no thanks, I’m good.” Shotaro adds just before the siren is heard. “Speaking of!”

Everybody gathers in front of the TV.

Hi Shotaro, if you are feeling lonely at the house don’t worry because tomorrow we’ll have plenty of company!

The boy raises his eyebrow. Isn’t it supposed to be an individual date? What do you mean more company?

Hope you don’t mind getting a little wet!

“Wow!” Jaemin says with widen eyes.

“What does she mean getting wet?” Doyoung asks around the room as everybody looks surprised.

Shotaro can’t even say anything, too excited for what you have in store for the next day,

-

You and Taeyong rejoin the other boys and after ordering some drinks you decide to take Renjun aside to talk.

“How are you doing?” You ask him.

“Way better now that I’m alone with you.” He smiles coming closer to you.

Any other time you would’ve given his advances a chance but there’s something you need to clarify first, so you take a step back leaving him with a confused expression.

“I wanted to talk to you about the last cocktail party.”

“What do you mean?” He asks and you simply tilt your head signalling you’re not in the mood to play games, you just want to get this out of the way. “Ok, ok. Look Hendery is just jealous that I make an effort to talk to you as much as I can and he gets left behind, that’s it.”

“So you’re saying he’s exaggerating?”

“Of course he is, I don’t even know why we’re wasting time talking about him right now when we should be talking about us instead.”

“I just want you to be more cautious with your actions ok?” He rolls his eyes but you still continue. “I appreciate you making an effort to talk to me and get to know me better but you don’t need to step over the others to do it. I don’t want a bad environment.”

“I’ll try. For you.”

Even though you’re not sure you believe his words you decide to let go of the subject and talk about you two as he suggested. He tries persuading you to get that one-on-one date but you just chuckle and tell him to try harder. You might come to regret this though.

You two come back to the bar and Jaehyun looks at you with his lovely smile planted on his face, dimples showing on his cheeks.

“I’m starting to feel left out in the ‘group’ date.” He does air quotes and you chuckle.

“Let’s not let that be a problem.”

You link you arm with his and take him away to a more private area.

“Did you miss me that much?” You tease him.

“You have no idea.” He tugs a strand of hair behind you ear and you bite your lip.

“I did see you trying to seduce me with your dance earlier.” You playfully push his chest.

“Oh I see.” He smirks. “You were praising Taeyong for the choreography but the real reason we won was because of my sexy moves.”

“I’m not saying it was because of that.” You giggle.

“Well, you’re not saying it wasn’t either.” He winks and you almost melt on the spot.

The teasing mood carries on through the rest of the conversation no matter what subject you’re talking about. If he had come up to you with this smooth talk outside the competition you would’ve totally fell for it. Not the you aren’t right now.

“Maybe we should get back.” You say only now noticing how close you are.

“Do we have to? I could stay right here all night.” He leans in placing a kiss on your cheek dangerously close to your lips.

“Well I wanted to wait until we went back home but I guess I might just do it now.”

Jaehyun steps back looking at you in surprise not sure what you’re talking about. You giggle as you reach inside your purse.

“Do you accept this rose?”

“Oh that!” He lets out a shaky breath. “Of course I do Y/N.”

You pin the rose to his jacket.

“Ok now we can go back.” Jaehyun takes your hand kissing it before pulling you back to the bar.

“Bragging already?” You chuckle.

“Any chance I get.” He winks.

When you get to the bar, Taeyong and Renjun instantly notice the rose on Jaehyun’s chest and groan while the other stands there proud holding you by his side. You finish up your drinks and decide to go back home.

-

The next day Shotaro gets ready in a hurry excited for your date. A car takes him to town and stops in from of what looks like a pet store.

“Hey!” You greet him with a smile.

“Hi Y/N!”

“Ready to meet our company for today?” You ask him and he frowns.

“I’m not sure.”

“C’mon, you’ll love them.” You grab his hand and pull him inside.

You greet the staff and follow one of them through a door that says staff only. His face brightens up as he sees a few dogs barking and wiggling their tails running to you two.

“Aren’t they adorable?”

“So much!” He bends his knees getting to the animals level to pet their fur almost falling as they jump on him in excitement and you giggle.

“These dogs need some loving so I though we could help the girls giving them a bath. What do you think?”

“Yes! That sounds amazing!”

You two follow one of the workers and take two dogs with you. She explains what to do and then leaves you to get down to work.

You follow the girls instructions laughing as the dogs shake their bodies getting water and foam everywhere. You take advantage that you’re already wet to throw some water at Shotaro and he does the same at you getting his revenge.

The place is a mess by the time you’re done but at least the dogs look all fresh and clean after you dry them and brush their fur.

You laugh as you look at each others clothes, there’s no way you two can go anywhere looking like this all drenched.

“Good thing I have some backup clothing for us!” You tell him.

“You did?” Shotaro looks surprised. “Thank you.”

You hand him a bag with his clothes and you get changed in the staff changing room, one at a time of course.

You two head out laughing as he tells you how much fun he had with the dogs. You take him to a small rustic restaurant a few blocks away and sit down at a table by the window.

You continue talking and the conversation is happy and sweet as always with Shotaro but there’s a strange feeling inside you that you can’t seem to shake off. You know what you have to do but it’s one of the hardest things since the show started.

“Are you ok?” He asks you. “You seem kinda down right now. Did I do or say something wrong?”

“No, of course not!” You answer in a hurry. “It’s just…” You sigh, not sure how to say what you want to say.

“What? You can tell me.” He looks at you with a warm smile and that makes things even harder for you. You take a deep breath before you go ahead.

“I’m really enjoying getting to know you Shotaro.”

“Why do I feel there’s a but coming?”

“But…” He sighs waiting for you to continue. “I think we’re building a great friendship and I keep waiting for it to move past that. As the weeks go by I’ve been getting close to some of the guys and it gets harder and harder to send some of you home. But I don’t want to deceive you Shotaro.” You reach out to grab his hand but then pull back not sure this is the right thing to do at this moment. “I’m not sure we’ll ever click. So I guess it’s better to say goodbye for now before things get more complicated.”

You look down trying not to shed a tear.

“Hey.” He takes your hand with both of his and you look back up. “It’s ok. Thank you for being honest with me.”

“I’m sorry.” You bite your lip trying not to get to emotional.

“Don’t be sorry, I knew that sooner or later it would be my time to go. There’s some guys in that house I just can’t compete with, I see the connections you have with them and it’s ok. I’m surprised you let me get this far!” He chuckles which relaxes you a little bit.

“Thank you for being so understanding Shotaro.” You smile at him. “I would love to still be your friend out of this competition because I really think you’re a great guy.”

“I would love that.” He tells you with a smile.

You two walk outside and there’s a car waiting for him. He reaches out and pulls you into a hug before opening the door.

“Thank you for giving me a chance.” He says. “And choose wisely, I hope you find your true love in one of the others.”

“Thank you, I know you’ll find love someday too. You deserve it.”

He smiles and gets in the car and as it drives away a tear rolls down your cheek as a bittersweet smile lingers on your face.

-

The cocktail party starts with one less bachelor. The remaining guys are happy to see you join them but one seems to notice you look a little gloomy so he takes you outside.

“How are you?” Jaemin asks as you two sit down.

“I’m…” You want to keep a strong face to handle the night but all your vulnerabilities come out when you’re with him. “I’m a little sad…”

“Because of Shotaro?” He asks caressing your arm.

“Yes…” You almost whisper. “I know I made the right decision, he’s such a nice guy, I couldn’t keep leading him on knowing I didn’t see him in a romantic way. But it was so hard saying that to his face you know?” Tears build up in your eyes.

“I know Y/N.” His hands goes up to cup your cheek ready to catch any tear that dared to roll out. “But you followed your heart and did what you had to do. I’m sure he appreciated that.”

“He said he did. But it still hurt to do it.”

“This is one of the things I love about you. You always care about what other people are feeling and that’s really impressive. But don’t forget why you do what you do. And don’t be scared to put your feelings first every now and then ok?”

You nod as he stares into your soul. You really can’t explain the connection you have with him and in this moment all you want is for him to lean in and kiss you. His gaze drops to your lips and you feel like maybe he wants the same but instead he gently pulls you to his chest warming you up in his embrace.

After a while a leans back again and cleans your soaked cheeks with his thumbs. You talk a little bit and once you feel composed you head inside.

The next one to pull you aside is Haechan. You take the opportunity to praise his dance skills and how professional he looked compared to his usual relaxed and laid back self. He tells you how much he loves performing and you are delighted to get to know yet another side of this wonderful man that is securing his place on your heart.

You then decide to call Hendery to check in on him being the first time you actually talk alone since what happened last week.

“How are you feeling?”

“Honestly I’m not sure.” He decides it’s better just to let everything out. “I felt better after our talk last week. But then this week we lost the group challenge and again it just feels like I’m loosing all the opportunities to connect with you.”

You look into his eyes and see his struggle but you don’t really know what to say. Noticing your silence he drops his head in defeat.

“I feel like you’re sending me home tonight.”

“Don’t say that please.” You grab his chin making him face you. “I haven’t made my decision yet, this is harder than you know.”

“I’m sorry Y/N.” He starts saying. “Sometimes it’s easier to focus on our own struggles and forget this is hard for you too. But I trust whatever decision you make tonight.”

He gives you a warm smile and you smile back. You decide not to leave things like that and spend sometime getting to know each other more before joining the others.

You mingle with all the boys until Yuta asks for some time with you. You gladly take his hand as he leads to a couch on the side.

“Sorry to call you in like this but I can’t risk you forgetting all about me.” He chuckles.

“How could I ever forget about you after that amazing date last week?” You wink.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it because I sure can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Oh yeah?” You smirk. “Do you like amusement parks that much?”

“I do. But the company made it extra amazing.”

You two keep talking about your previous date and you can’t wait to go out again with him and feel what you felt that day. Yuta knows how to have fun and show you a good time and that’s a big part of what you look for in a man. This is really getting harder and harder, not only to send people home but feeling your self fall for more than one of them.

Before your head starts overthinking Chris steps in the room calling you for some decision making.

-

“This has been an interesting week. It was the first time you did not give out a rose after the one-on-one date. How did it feel to send someone home that way?” Chris asks you as you two sit down upstairs.

“It’s a bittersweet feeling actually. It felt horrible to sit there and tell him I don’t see him as the man for me, but it was also good to actually explain how I am feeling and understand how he felt about it too.”

“Due to that, tonight you’ll only have to send 1 more home. Does that make the decision easier for you?”

“You would think so right?” You both chuckle. “It’s still hard because I don’t want them to feel like I’m singling them out. Even though that’s exactly what I’ll be doing.”

“Do you have an idea of who that person might be?”

“I’m conflicted between 3 of them actually, the others I’m pretty sure I still want to keep around.”

“Well, I’ll leave you to think about it then and as always, trust yourself to make the right decision.”

“Thank you Chris.”

He leaves the room and you carefully stare at the pictures of those 3 you’re conflicted with. You have reasons for each of them to leave and also for them to stay, you just need to think which of them matter the most in choosing the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

-

You and Chris walk down the stairs and stand in front of the bachelors. This evening Jeno and Jaehyun stay on the side have already earned their rose.

"Good evening everyone. As you know one of you has already left the competition this week as he did not receive the rose on his one-on-one date with Y/N. Jeno and Jaehyun have already secured their rose, therefore tonight 7 roses will be hand out leaving one of you out of the race. Remember that you are in your right to refuse the rose. Good luck."

With that Chris leaves the room.

"Yesterday I had to take one of the hardest decisions so far but it was still hard choosing one more of you today."

You grab the first rose.

"Jaemin."

He smiles brightly walking up to you.

"Thank you for comforting me tonight. Do you accept this rose."

"Absolutely." You pin the rose to his jacket. "I'll always be here for you. Thank you for trusting me."

You nod with a smile as he walks back.

"Yuta."

He looks surprised to be called so soon.

"Do you accept this rose?"

"Of course." He smiles as you pin it. "Thank you."

You grab the next rose.

"Taeyong."

He sighs in relief.

"Do you accept this rose?"

"Yes." You chuckle as you pin the rose. "Thank you so much."

You take one more.

"Haechan."

He does a little happy jump before coming forward.

"Do you accept this rose?"

"Definitely." You pin the it to his jacket. "Thank you."

Another rose is in your hands.

"Johnny."

His face brightens up hearing his name.

"Do you accept this rose?"

"You scared me there for a second. but yes I do." You both chuckle as you pin the rose. "Thank you."

The tension builds up in the room with only 3 man left. You look between all of them and gulp before you announce the next bachelor you choose.

"Hendery."

He lets go of a breath he was holding in.

"I'm not ready to let you go yet. Do you accept this rose?"

"A thousand times yes." You smile as you pin it. "Thank you so so much."

As he walks back Chris steps in the room and you know what that means.

"Last rose Y/N, have you made your choice?" He asks.

"I think so."

He hands it to you and you turn to face the guys again.

"Renjun."

He smiles walking to you.

"I'm giving you another chance, please don't waste it. Do you accept this rose?"

"I do, I promise I'll do better." You pin the last rose. "Thank you."

Chris walks in again.

"That's it for tonight. Doyoung this is not your chance for love. You can say your goodbyes."

The rest of the guys hug him and you stay behind nibbling your lip unsure if this was the right decision. He then walks up to you giving you a hug and whispering something in your ear before he leaves. You are left dumbfounded but decide to ignore the piece of information for now, joining the remaining guys to celebrate.

-

In the next episode:

Doyoung’s message before he left kept you up at night and you need to set things straight.

“I need to know if this is true or not, I think I deserve to know.”

“Do you think he might have made it up because he was upset you sent him home?”

And two more bachelors will loose their chance at love.

”I don’t know what else to do.”

“You seem to have made your mind already.”

“You’re breaking my heart.”

Stay tuned for next weeks episode premiering 11/07.

☽ ・・・・・ ☾

Episode 5

a/n: that Shotaro scene was the hardest thing I’ve ever written, I kept it short cause I was in the verge of balling my eyes out T_T do give me some feedback please! ❤

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