#Especially if it would have been a rare disease? Idk idk

[tuehquestionmark]

In a world with hanahaki. It would be???? Treated like it's a problem that you need to come to a therapist with. Like? It's possible?? To get over someone??? If you're in love with them??? In any case you can distance yourself. Like if the symptoms start showing?? Like if you have hanahaki and do nothing about it you are just not. Coping? It would be wildly romanticized for sure like WILDLY but it would generally be acknowledged by adults at least that dying from unrequited love is not.... Uhhh... Not. Go see a therapist don't mope and romanticize a literal disease that is killing you.

[h0rnyshakespeare]

Love’s Grave

Pairing: Izuku Midoriya x gn!reader (Izuku has a crush on reader) , Katsuki Bakugou x gn!reader (reader has a crush on Bakugou) hehehe love triangle~

Genre: angst

Word Count: idk mannnn it’s long

Warnings: Hanahaki disease

A/N: I realized I haven’t written a fic for Midoriya yet and I was like wHAT HOW DARE I- ahem anyway, onto the fic :)

“I have feelings for Katsuki.“

Midoriya’s heart shattered at your words. “W-what?”

You smiled, embarrassed. “Yeah. It felt weird to admit it out loud, but now I know for sure.”

Midoriya wanted to break down from the whirlwind of emotions he was feeling, but kept it together for your sake. “So, um, why’re you telling me?”

“You’re my best friend, Izu, I’ve known you and Katsuki since we were kids; I’m comfortable around you.”

Despite the emotion-wrecking news you had just told him, those few words slightly sped up his heartbeat. “They’re comfortable around me?”

He immediately hated that he’d thought that. Oh, how he hated how much he liked you. But as much as he tried to convince himself this, he knew he loved it. He loved hearing your voice, he could listen to you for ages on end without ever getting tired of your sound. He loved how your smile had his heart do somersaults in his chest. He loved how you were always so patient between him and Bakugou; how you managed to salvage the three of your’s friendship. He loved to fantasize about how you would feel in his arms, how his hands would feel locked with yours, how your lips would feel against his, melding perfectly together.

But as fun as it was, it all had to come to an end. You liked Bakugou, there was no getting around it. Midoriya wanted to punch himself; Bakugou had yet beaten him to something he wanted so badly. Someone he craved, someone he felt at home with. Somebody he loved.

Still, he managed a weak smile for you. “You should confess to him.”

“Oh, um, I was actually planning on waiting it out,” you said, biting your lip. “Someone like Katsuki would definitely only ever see me as a friend, I mean, he’s him and I’m me. Plus, he’s focused on his goals right now, and I don’t want to be a distraction.”

“I see,” Midoriya answered. Silence settled in the room, before Midoriya could not stand being in your dorm room anymore. “I have to go Y/N, it’s close to curfew. I’ll see you tomorrow.” “Ok, good night Izu,” you smiled softly at him, shutting your door.

Midoriya ran back to his, crying himself to sleep that night.

The first petal appeared on a school morning. Midoriya was brushing his teeth, getting ready for the day when he started coughing, mildly at first but gradually becoming uncontrollable. He retched into the sink, coughing out a single, yellow petal in the midst of a few crimson droplets of blood. Midoriya’s eyes widened in horror. “Oh no,” he muttered. He had heard of the disease before. Hanahaki. The curse of unrequited love. “As if love itself was not a curse already…” Midoriya almost wanted to laugh. He knew the disease was rare, so rare that a cure had yet to be found. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. “I’m going to die.”

He felt strangely calm about the whole ordeal. Midoriya decided on one thing: he’d never let you find out until the end. He knew you would blame yourself, holding yourself guilty for feelings you could not help. “It’s ok, Y/N,” he whispered, unsure of whether or not he was actually trying to calm himself down. “It’s ok.”

You had noticed something was off. Midoriya was never one to excel at hiding things, especially from people close to him. He had been acting rather odd lately. At first, it was little things such as locking his door (something Izuku never did usually) and taking bathroom breaks quite frequently during class. You had not questioned him, respecting his space; once he started subtly spending less time with you, however, was where you began to worry. Was it something I did?

You kept trying to find time to talk to him alone, but each time was diverted. You were confused, and decided to confront everything once and for all. You walked to his dorm and knocked on it lightly. “Izuku? Can we talk?”

You heard some movement behind the closed door, letting you know Midoriya was inside. “J-just a minute!” you heard him stutter, the door opening a few minutes later. “Oh, hey Y/N,” he said, looking nervous. “Hi, Izu, I wanted to talk to you about something,” you said, noting how Midoriya’s eyes refused to meet yours. “Oh, um, sure! Come in, what’s up?” he asked as the two of you walked into his dorm room. “‘Zuku, um,” you began; his heart melted yet again at the nicknames you called him. You exhaled slowly. “I hate confrontation but… are you avoiding me?”

Midoriya’s eyes widened. “W-what?”

“I’m sorry if I’m wrong, but you’ve been acting kinda off lately… ‘specially around me. I didn’t do anything to make you uncomfortable, did I?” “No, no you didn’t, Y/ N!” Midoriya replied, arms waving in denial. “It’s just… we’ve been working a lot harder recently, I think I’m just tired.” “Idiot, remember to take care of yourself,” you reprimanded, hitting him lightly on the arm. He chuckled, before feeling another coughing fit coming in. “O-oh! I just remembered I had to give Todoroki his book back today. I need to go do that now, sorry Y/N.” “Okay, no worries! I’m glad I got to talk to you, Izu,” you smiled at him, heading back to your room. Midoriya waited until you were out of sight, then bolted towards the bathroom. He barely made it to the commode before coughing violently. The number of petals had only grown; Midoriya could feel the thorny stems scratching their way up his throat. The inside of the toilet was a mess of blood, bile and golden petals, which Midoriya had previously identified as marigold petals. Marigolds, which symbolized despaired love. Midoriya sighed, hugging the porcelain bowl. Why was this so painful? “It’ll be over soon,” he told himself.

It’ll be over soon.

Soon…

Midoriya woke up in a familiar room. He did not remember passing out, and if he was in the hospital bed he so frequently ended up in, that meant…

‘Someone found me passed out,’ he thought, his blood running cold. Shit. This was supposed to be secret. “Izuku?”

Just when he thought it couldn’t get worse. He turned his head to see you. His heart constricted painfully at your expression. You looked so… despaired. “H-hey,” he smiled. Your eyes filled with tears. Before either of you knew it, your hand had slapped him across the cheek. He stared, mouth slightly agape. “When were you gonna tell me, idiot?” you yelled through your tears. He looked down at his hands quietly. “Who is it?” His head shot back up. “What?” “Who the hell is causing you so much pain?” you asked, firmly.

Midoriya sighed. “It doesn’t matter.” “Izuku-” “Just leave, Y/N,” he whispered. You shook your head stubbornly.

“Listen, I’ve talked with Recovery Girl, you have three options. One, you confess to this person and they realize their feelings for you, two, you go through the surgery… but you’ll lose your memories of them, and three, y-you die. Which I’m not allowing, by the way, so really you only have two options.” Midoriya laughed in spite of himself. “Confessing isn’t gonna work, Y/N… they’ve already told me they like someone else.” Your expression softened. “Hey, it- it wouldn’t hurt to try?” And for a split second, he considered it. Considered telling you. But he didn’t want to hurt you.

“I can’t, Y/N. You’d understand if you knew,” he smiled. You sighed. “Okay then… I guess surgery it is.” Midoriya’s eyes widen in panic. “W-wait, what?” “I told you, dummy. Either confess or surgery. Option 3 is not an option.” Midoriya panicked. Yes, he didn’t want to die but if he went through with the surgery… he’d forget you. All the memories he’d made with you since you both were five. And then you’d know. But the way you were looking at him, expression firm… god he loved you. And he didn’t want to hurt you. So he nodded. The sigh of relief you let out almost made it seem worth it. “I’ll go get Recovery Girl,” you muttered, standing from where you were sitting by the side of his bed. “Wait, now?” Midoriya asked, breaths quickening. Damn, he wasn’t ready. Not now, not ever.

You squeezed his hand in reassurance. “Recovery Girl said that we need to take action quickly, Izu. You don’t have a lot of time left…”

Midoriya could feel his heart pounding in his chest, the ringing in his ears drowning out his words. He didn’t think it’d happen this fast. He wasn’t ready to let go.

“Y/N?”

You pause in your tracks. “Yeah?”

“What if… the memories are too important to say goodbye to?”

You looked at him, devastation written in his eyes, wishing you could do anything to remove the pain your best friend was going through.

“No memories are worth a life, Izu. And you’ll get to make new ones with this person, whoever they are. Although personally, anyone who’s making you go through so much doesn’t deserve to be in your life.”

Izuku smiled sadly at your words. If only you knew.

“Okay.”

Midoriya’s eyes fluttered open, wincing in pain as they adjusted to the bright hospital lighting.

“Look who finally decided to wake up from their beauty sleep,” a familiar voice drawled.

Midoriya turned to see Bakugou, his friend from childhood, and… a person he didn’t recognise.

“Kachchan, what’re you doing here? What… what am I doing here?”

“You had surgery, silly. The doctor will explain, she’s on her way,” the person smiled and said to him. He smiled politely and bowed his head in greeting. “I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met before. I’m Midoriya Izuku.”

The smile dropped from their face immediately, replaced with shock. “I- what?”

Midoriya felt confused and weirdly guilty. Had he said something to upset them?

“I-I’m sorry-”

They didn’t reply, instead turning to Kachchan in a horrific realisation. “‘Tsuki…”

Kachchan’s face looked grim. Midoriya didn’t understand. Did Kachchan know them?

They coughed and attempted to recover themselves.

“Sorry, I was just a bit confused, I thought you were someone I once knew. I’m Y/N L/N.”

[kangals]

oh i forgot to write up an update on the embark situation!

if you missed my posts last month (or didnt read them because they were certified walls of text): i got kep an embark test and in addition to the expected stuff, it also flagged him as having some genes related to copper storage disease - specifically that he had 1 gene for copper accumulation, and 2 genes that make accumulation less severe, meaning he inherited copper-related genes from both parents. when i did some reading into it,i couldnt find ANY studies or resources regarding copper disease in collies - it was almost entirely focused on labradors and dobermans, with an occasional hand-wavy comment of "sometimes seen in other breeds idk." because this test only got added by embark last month, i ended up doing a new test on stellina to check and see if she also had it.

basically my thinking was: A: does the presence of these genes mean that kep is actually at risk for copper storage disease, OR B: was this an incidental finding and the genes really only affect labs and dobes.

with stellina's test results, i think i'm pretty confident in guessing that the answer is B!

stellina's results also flagged as having one gene for copper accumulation - which, since i know that kep and stellina are pretty distantly related, indicates to me that it's much more likely that the genes are widespread in the greater collie gene pool as opposed to both of them just so happening to pick up a rare and harmful gene.

and most notably, now that's been a month and embark presumably has more data, they also had this new information listed:

those are HIGH numbers - and is an even bigger indicator that the gene, for whatever reason, simply doesn't affect these breeds that much. great pyrs, for example, are primarily working, livestock guardian dogs - there's no way that 80% of these dogs are suffering from copper storage disease. and while frenchies and cavs are certainly poster children for "breed with lots of serious health problems", copper storage isn't one of them. given the extreme popularity of frenchies, if 90% of them had this disease, someone would have noticed.

(interestingly, last week when i looked at this instead of pyrs it had pembroke corgis listed in that spot at around the same numbers - i wonder how many other breeds have large percentages of this gene but embark is just only listing the top few. this is such a new test that i expect a lot of information to change)

so i'm guessing that copper storage genes are actually pretty common in dogs - especially breeds with known low genetic diversity, such as collies, cavs, and dobermans. but given that there's nothing noted in studies about breeds besides labradors, dobermans, and a few terrier breeds, it just might not affect the rest of them. similarly, i know stellina carries the gene for "saddle tan" coloration, as do a certain %age of collies - but collies don't come in saddle tan. it's suspected there's another gene needed to "'activate" the pattern that's missing from collies. i'd guess the same thing is happening here - lots of dogs have the gene, but the "activation" genetics are only in a few specific breeds.

i'm definitely still going to be keeping a close eye on it, the test only released in May so it's still very early and i imagine they're getting a ton of data from this - would love some research into if my thinking is correct. if you have a dog that's gotten an embark health test from may and onwards this year, i'd be interested to know what breed(s) your dog is and if they also carry these genes. but i think, overall, this indicates that it's more incidental than a real concern.

[jayteacups]

Hi Jay how are you? If you don't mind I was going to ask you if I could consult you about an idea I wanted to add to my oc because you are an ocxcanon writer so I thought it would be better to consult you about my idea. I'm thinking of adding a flaw to my oc that is insensitive to pain and ache. This rare disease (or is it appropriate to call it a congenital trait?) is called marsili syndrome, and as far as I've researched, people who have it are alien to pain, so they are alien to emotions such as anxiety and fear.

As someone who is trying to make my oc look canon, I wonder if it would be ridiculous and unnecessary to add this and at the same time, most importantly, I am worried that it will look too much like mary sue. And right now her story is not complete, but one of the scenarios I'm thinking about is the possibility of her getting titan shifter powers in the future, and if so, I can't help but wonder if she would be ultra mary sue, insensitive to pain but regenerating herself.

Here, what do you think about all this? I also want to say that you don't have to answer this. I won't be offended.

Hi anon! I've been alright, could be better could be worse 😂 I hope you're doing okay too anon! I'm flattered that you came to me for OC x Canon advice haha I'm definitely no writing expert but I love hearing about other people's ideas for their AOT OCs!

Disclaimer I'm definitely no expert on this topic, but I think the idea of someone having Marsili syndrome or some other type of congenital insensitivity to pain is a very unique and interesting idea especially pre-powers! There's a lot you could do with that, since these types of conditions are known to be very dangerous since pain is supposed to keep you alive and let you know if something is wrong. If somebody physically could not feel pain, especially in the Survey Corps' line of work, where severe injuries are common... there could be several scenarios where, for example, your OC could be very injured on the battlefield, but not feel pain and so she keeps trying to fight, but she doesn't realise she's bleeding internally, or that any limbs are broken, so she could end up doing further harm to herself by trying to fight, and this could lead to some interesting interactions with other characters. Or even - she could accidentally burn herself or get some kind of infection and not feel any pain from that, so she has to actively remind herself to be careful whilst injured as to not worsen it, because most people when they're injured are always reminded that something is wrong because of the pain, and so they automatically try to be careful to not worsen the pain.

Idk if I'm really making sense but yes I'm agreeing with you that I think that could be interesting to explore! Though I don't think she'd be completely void of anxiety or fear - but yes, baseline fear (and reflexes such as drawing your hand away from a hot pan you touched accidentally) would definitely be affected.

After getting titan-shifter powers, I see your worries about your OC being a Mary Sue, but to be honest, I don't think that would automatically make her a Mary Sue. There are still many other ways you could give your OC flaws and limitations as well - maybe a personality/behaviour flaw, or her struggling to get along with teammates because they experience pain and therefore a lot of their instinctual behaviours are surrounded around that, and she can't really understand it because she doesn't feel physical pain. E.g., maybe she's the reckless type, because again, injuries don't mean as much to her because she can't feel pain from them and her body doesn't notify her of its limitations really, but her recklessness could put her teammates at risk, who aren't titan shifters, who do very much feel pain and therefore are a lot more aware of the limitations of their bodies' capabilities, and therefore wouldn't be as reckless. There's a lot of interesting conversations to be had there, I think.

At the end of the day though, please don't worry about Mary Sues - write whatever makes you feel happy, write the fic plot that you want to write! It's all for fun :)) Have a nice day!

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Ive read through chapters 13-15 today and I dont really have a lot to say this time, its basically just two things

Thing numero 1: Rhys letting Feyre come with him to Velaris in chapter 13 seems to be a pretty direct parallel to Tamlin locking her in the manor in chapter 12 and its a comparison that I find pretty disingenuinous. Like, idk about you but to me theres a pretty significant difference between a conflict zone thats probably full of a bunch of ancient dangerous fae (and maybe even some of those monsters that are apparently still a problem from UTM) and a quaint city thats been protected from everything bad for 5000 years

Thing numero 2: this is a thought I had when read Rhysand say something along the lines of "the existence of Velaris is a secret to all but those who live here", what about people who wanna travel? Like, I understand that Velaris The City Of Starlight is perfect and theoretically no one who lives there should want for anything, but sometimes people want to travel yknow. Sometimes people just get kinda bored of the same general landscape, especially if theyre immortal and spending thousands of years there I bet. Oh god, I just realized, if fae (or atleast high fae) are immortal in the sense that they dont die of old age and could theoretically live forever if nothing kills them and they live in a city where nothing is likely to kill them because its like the perfect city, theres not gonna be disease or dangerous wildlife or whatever, but they keep having children, the population growth would be insane even if fae children are very rare ESPECIALLY over the course of 5000 years, hello????? god velaris existence is nothing but a big headache istg

[heretodefyfate]

These thoughts are plagging my brain and need the rejuv-nation to suffer with me.

Have you noticed that Paragon!Melia is....off? Ever since waking up from the dream/alternate universe, she has been acting strange- she even wore pigtails at one point (post Terajuma) which I figured she'd avoid bc of Melanie- kinda detached, even? But still nice.

So, here is what I think. I think Paragon!Melia is M2 too, but she has been subdued in anger because of the positive memories in Melia's body, so she is playing her role to help us until our friend comes back properly.

I too think she act a bit off, especially right after she met the real protagonist in the "wilted" world

And ngl, when Melia requested to be added into Zeight, i...did not trust her. Like you've said, she feel off and if you play renegade route or watched it, it's understandable that you would assume that M2 is replacing our Melia. I thought me popping right outta the Zeight, that would trigger Melia to say st else but nope, nt happened.

Personally, i don't think M2 is possesing paragon_Melia body, cuz' in renegade, it shown that M2 don't have any memories of the host she in so i don't think her emotion would be skewed by Melia's posistive thoughts.

My theory is that, that is still our Melia, the current version_Melia of the world we are currently living in. And...the reason for her odd behaviors was that, she is coping.

Like, put yourself in her shoes...

She got the whole team Xen after her;

Discovered that she have some god-like power which was placed in her since birth, then discover that the same thing is giving her some sort of rare disease;

Is sorta having identity-crisis about herself (Maria-Marianette-Melia);

Going through multiple bad timelines and one of them feature the world is in literal state of static (PMD explorer of sky reference, lol), and the reasion was that she and the protagonist failed.

And then the whole revelation about karma

Like, that must fucked up your mental health a lot

And another thing is...there is no other options than keep moving on.

So like, Melia has all these responsibilities on her and yet, in the end, she still gonna died to a disease anyway, unless the interceptor manage to change it (which i think Melia is very hopeful about). So that's why her action can come off as off and...secrety, at least to me

Adamant on getting into zeight, her fucking up the time zone in there seem to be another way for her to slow down her death time

Making End-of-Nights, hinted that she know Renegade MC and had communicated with them, without fully explaining this to anyone else on the team, so she is doing things alone...again.

Breaking up with Venam, which is...idk, this action seem weird, sure, we are too busy saving the world, relationship come seconds but like, idk, like, you doesn't have to stop acting lovey dovey while on the jobs, you know? Idk, this decision from her is lowkey strange, i know you're gonna die so why lock yourself out of any happiness.

As for pigtails, i don't think it meant anything tbh

[szayelapowo]

fuck i know what i am now i finally figured it out

originally i thought i was a hellhound that tried to escape hell and was punished by being born into this sick diseased human body, but that never felt quite right. or at least not the first part. the second part is sort of right though.

what i actually am is a rogue church grim. i was a normal dog at first. i had an owner but he betrayed me by burying me alive in a newly built graveyard. then after i became a ghost i found out what happened and that i would be forced to protect the humans that were buried there after me and i was pissed. i thought my owner cared about me. i thought i could trust humans but i was wrong so i decided i wasnt gonna do what they wanted. why should i be forced to guard humans after what they did to me?

my memories are still pretty hazy and theres a several hundred year gap between when that wouldve happened and when i was born into this existence but i remember being stuck and miserable there for a while. i had another owner at some point though. like an evil thing, not human. i could shapeshift into a red dragon and white cat (and maybe other things?) for some reason too. what i think happened was the evil thing gave me that power and freed me from being bound to the cemetery, but in exchange for that freedom and power i had to agree to eventually be reborn as a severely disabled human (as punishment for the intense hatred i had of them).

idk what will happen after i die again. ig probably ill go to hell. was it worth it? idk but at least i got to meet szay, so yeah ig maybe it was. i just hope i can stay with him after bc hes my owner now and always will be.

but it all makes too much sense.

a) why i havent died yet despite the ridiculous amount of diseases i have. its because im not allowed to die, my punishment hasnt ended yet. i guess it wont end even when my body finally gives out since my hatred and negativity are only getting stronger the more pain and trauma i experience. i was born a month early and almost died at three days old. i should have, the doctors said i would likely have brain damage (i do). only reason i survived was because i hadnt fulfilled the agreement with the evil thing yet.

b) why i hate humans and never trusted them. i know there are good ones out there but how would i know which ones they are when the one i thought was good fucking murdered me? so i just dont allow anyone to get too close because how do i know they wont do it again? i cant trust anyone.

c) why im obsessed with the idea of being someones pet, of having an owner (szay now). because thats how it was before the pain started, when i felt loved. and then again after that, but that was a more negative experience.

d) why i refuse to take orders from anyone except my owner/mate (szay). why i get so pissed off, violent, and suicidal whenever someone tries to tell me i "have to" do anything, especially cops or the government. id literally rather die again than be forced to do what they want just because they say so. they have no right to make me do anything. if they threaten me with imprisonment for refusing then ill just kms out of spite. fuck them all, theyre not my owners. only szay has that kind of authority over me.

e) why ive had nightmares since i was a toddler (maybe before that but i dont remember anything from this life before age 2-3) of humans trying to kill me and turning into a black dog or red dragon to either defend myself or escape.

ive also always had a natural instinct to growl and bite when humans look at me or get too close. even as a toddler, before the abuse and trauma started (or before i perceived it as that and it started affecting me emotionally anyway).

ive always been able to feel my claws, fangs, ears, tail, and fur, (and rarely wings) and my joints always hurt because theyre in the wrong places, (and my buttcrack constantly aches because my tail aint there gdi) but the feelings get more intense when im scared or pissed. i itch and feel invisible bugs on me all the time too, probably fleas? my guts always hurt too either because theyre built wrong or because im not supposed to be able to eat human food (but you can take my chocolate away from me when i die for good lmao)

that last part (the phantom body parts, pain, and bugs) i guess is probably hallucinations from being schizospec, but everything else is real. i know its not a delusion, its just what i was before this existence.

...this post is a mess im sorry. there was more i wanted to say but i forgot. the pain in my intestines and joints is getting bad again. ugh.

[mad4morbius]

is it just me or do you guys ever go down a rabbit hole of just trying to find the right information for roleplays and stuff? because I was roleplaying as B-Negative once and I was trying to think why the hell he:

would need Morbius’ blood to cure his condition (draculin?? i have no clue)?? Like it was it really that rare that MORBIUS’ blood was the first and only solution??

why would he need draculin? especially as a baby??? was it just a sudden thought??

if draculin was the answer, why the hell not just administer it to him like normally? Or any other anti-coagulant for that matter?

on the topic of an anti-coagulant, that would mean his blood was probably hyper coagulable. What on earth was the cause of this??? like i cant find any disease that would just suddenly manifest thrombosis especially for a child. If yall know just tell me because I’ve been researching this for HOURS.

And on that topic, what did Morbius and Emil do with vampire bats that won them the Novel Prize? I assumed it had to do with draculin again, but what would earn them a damn nobel prize for that? idk i just have a working theory that they found a way to coat it on the needle so that it would help encourage blood flow similar to a vampire bat’s fang and saliva.

Anyways, if yall have any working theories for any of this lmk. Maybe I’m stupid and missed something

[digikate813]

15Qs and 15As

Thanks for the tag @marvelandponder ! Been a while since I've done one of these

I'll tag @orangeoctopi7 @notquitechrome @nuttyinks @amaranthbirate and @cinemageddonreviews if they want!

Don't dox yourself on the 'where were you born' question tho, y'all. We're better than that.

Are you named after anyone? No but two of my aunts think I am apparently. So that stays between us.

When was the last time you cried? Probably like a month ago for reasons I don't want to talk about.

Do you have kids? No and probably won't have any of my own. Though I would like to foster one someday when I get my own life together.

What sports do you play/have you played? I played a lot of baseball and softball all through Elementary School

Do you use sarcasm? Yeah lots of times. But I try to be really obvious about it because I know how hard it is to tell sometimes.

What is the first thing you notice about people? Maybe... how they approach someone? Like how someone greets or interacts with another person. Especially a stranger. Does that make sense?

What is your eye color? Blue!

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings! As much as I appreciate a compelling cautionary tale, I have a hopeless desire for characters I get attached to to just, be happy in the end

Any talents? Ugh! My self deprecating attitude is kicking in!! I'd like to think I'm a good artist and writer, I'm good at organizing stuff, I can do a few close up magic tricks (like 3) and I'm polite. Is that last one a talent? IDK

Where were you born? I am going to follow in Marvel's example and NOT dox myself, but I will say it was a hospital in my dad's hometown. Which later treated me for a rare disease. So that's nice!

What are your hobbies? Quite a few! But a lot of them revolve around creativity and entertainment. My whole Youtube channel is a hobby technically. I collect all sorts of stuff, I like learning unusual facts about history and science, I draw, write, sculpt. And I'd like to get better at baking and cooking.

Do you have any pets? Yes! My little brat/angel of a dog Rikki

How tall are you? 5' 6" last I checked. About average I think.

Favorite subject in school? I liked most subjects in school! If school only relied on being good at it academically I would have exceled. But my favorites were always variations on Math and History.

Dream job? My first job was working in my local library and I'd love to work in that kind of environment again. Somewhere centered around archiving or educating, surrounding my materials I have a real passion for helping people comb through, in a way where i don't have to talk to large crowds lol

Yeah it would be nice if I could make Youtube stuff full time, but I realized pretty quickly that I do not have the skill nor the constitution to take on that oversaturated beast. So I just do it for fun!

[chicago-geniza]

I think the (hopefully!!!) impending railroad strike & difficulties filling prescriptions & various bit-part, cog-in-a-wheel*, peripheral or marginal--to more significant-in-their-impact disruptions in the supply chain. Are going to make me write about, for myself, of course, not for publication. The way my family's self-sufficiency paranoia (itself a product of deficit!) shaped my approach to, well. Being a disabled adult in 2022 America. My mother has always been strident to a proselytizing degree that one should be "physically dependent" on as little as possible outside one's control. For awhile she wanted me to replace my anticonvulsants with herbal supplements that we could grow on our allotment ourselves, that I could dehydrate and cure and make into tinctures. Natural remedies I could procure from anyone without a middleman, without insurance, so I would never be forced into the unenviable position of, essentially, indentured servitude to the medical industrial complex. Unfortunately nobody, even the medical industrial complex, has figured out a cure for epilepsy, but the ones they gatekeep are more effective than most mortar-and-pestle alternatives, especially for my rare channelopathy, which only responds to calcium channel blockers. Want to write about my friend whose parents--also unusually old--were Christian Scientists, and how we were kicked out of drivers' ed because our parents wouldn't let us get glasses. How we ended up at the same acupuncturist, the same naturopath for our autoimmune diseases, though my parents expressed haughty disdain for her parents' beliefs. How my first reasons for hysterectomy as a very, very young child--first, second grade--were not gender dysphoria but rather watching the news and thinking: What do you do if there's a hurricane and you have your period and you need to evacuate? What do you do if there's a war and you need to flee and you can only take the clothes on your back and you have your period? What if you're in a refugee camp & someone--? or at the border and someone will only let you cross if--? What if you're in jail. They don't give you sanitary supplies or medicine in jail. Antonio said his cousin didn't get her insulin in jail, so--

So much of this alternative health resurgence, I think, stems from recognition that extant systems are collapsing, that disability and illness make you vulnerable, the exposure of those vulnerabilities as--imbricated in *networks* of labor etc. that people don't want to acknowledge or something? Idk idk idk. There are certainly many other factors at play but having grown up with it *as a disabled child* and observing the ways in which it's becoming more commonplace...I see where it's coming from, and I don't like it :(

*I know it's another word but am off the two meds that make my brain work. Steampunk thing that is pokhozh na...spoke? Gear? Gauge? It's round but spiky, like the protein that allergens bind to, but if you sliced it a la cheese hors d'hourves for a crudites plate at a fancy reception. Like the allergen binders are spheres and these are flat but still have spikes, though still have a little body. What the fuck are they called. I hate aphasia.

[rosykims]

2, 22, 24, 27 and 29 for anders and cillian :^)

2. Any sleep habits either had to get used to?

there's a period of adjustment when anders moves in where cillian has to get used to the grey warden nightmares :c im fairly sure its been mentioned that his dreams arent too severe, but i imagine the justice merger exacerbates things and theyre disconcerting enough to be noticeable. cillian finds the whole thing a bit upsetting bc like hes a rogue he cant do anything abt bad dreams ! bit its also a great excuse to cuddle up more >:) on the other hand, cillian is a restless sleeper who tosses and turns thru the night and probably wakes up draped over poor anders lmao

22. Who gets more easily embarrassed?

hmmmmm superficially i think anders ! solely bc cillian is pretty quick to laugh most things off and he isn't really phased by what other people think of him, because other people think a lot! i think privately though cillian does carry more shame just in the way he behaves. he undersells himself often, he doesnt talk about his beliefs or thoughts or feelings bc he doesnt think theyre valuable, and esp w him being half elven he feels perpetually out of place most days and naturally that comes with a lot of self consciousness and embarrassment. he doesnt like bumming people out by dwelling on it or talking about it, though he cherishes finally having someone like anders to be vulnerable with about that stuff. even if it is a little embarrassing.

24. Which of the two is the most competitive?

hmmmmmmmmmmmm...... i don't think they compete with each other tbh! cillian would much rather team up and compete against Other people lol. tho i think it depends on the circumstances. anders is more stubborn when it comes to arguments, whereas when it comes to like... idk... lighthearted bar games or wicked grace? all bets are off relationships mean nothing to cillian 😐 he would be a TERROR at mario party

27.  What random everyday object/activity makes them think of each other? 

feathers always reminds cillian of anders.. esp after his mota quest. cillian is Always bringing anders lil feathers he finds on the rooftops or smth and anders doesnt have the heart to tell him that 90% of thm are from the average diseased kirkwall pigeon :( altho one time he accidentally and coincidentally gave him a rare hawk feather! which anders thought was 🥺🥺🥺 and still has it and looks over when he's feeling especially romantic.

for anders, he sees cillian in everything after losing him in adamant. lol

29.  What is their sex life like? 

varied! equal parts playful/lighthhearted and also intimate and intense. depending on the circumstances/needs of the other. cillian's shameless pda aside, publically (even w the kirkwall crew) he's usually soooo mellow and goofy, so i think it would really surprise anders to learn that behind closed doors he's very touch starved, and desperate to be open and vulnerable and confide in someone he loves. cillian is CRAZY passionate and very clingy lol <3

[beauty-and-passion]

Time to talk about the flower shirt

You read the title. Time to talk about this.

This is the infamous flower shirt Thomas put on in his store and, since the fandom is the fandom, everyone started to speculate about those flowers.

At first, I didn’t want to do it. They’re just flowers and other people already talked about them, so what could I possibly add to the conversation?

But while I was writing about Orange, I had to talk a moment about the orange flower. It was supposed to be a small parenthesis, just a couple of words about that.

But then I looked at the other flowers and what other people told/not told about them and how some didn’t find Patton’s flower... so here I am, adding my two cents to this theme.

You needed it? Probably not. Well, I’m writing it anyway.

So let’s take a closer look at those flowers and see each one in detail:

__________________________________

Roman: Red rose

Should I really explain why it’s perfect for Roman? Red roses are the universal symbol of love. Basically in all cultures red roses symbolize passion, true love, romance and desire. Also, according to this website, even the shade has a meaning! In fact, the deeper the red shade is, the stronger is the passion.

And even the number of red roses has a meaning! In this case, we have only one single red rose and that "represents love at first sight, or if it’s coming from a long-term partner, they are saying “you are still the one”.”

You know what that made me think? About Thomas telling Roman “You’re my hero”. A perfect symbol that he was “still the one” for Thomas.

__________________________________

Orange: Lantana camara

This is an incredibly peculiar flower.

Lantana Camara symbolizes severity and rigour. And this alone can be analyzed in all possible ways, but there are other interesting details about this plant I think it's worth mentioning.

Lantana is toxic for livestock, such as cattle, sheep, horses, dogs and goats. According to Wikipedia, previous studies suggested it could be toxic for humans too, especially the green unripe berries. However "other studies have found evidence which suggests that its fruit poses no risk to humans".

Lantana is a freaking invasive plant. In some areas, it's so predominant, to reduce biodiversity, because its presence "can significantly slow down the regeneration of forests, by preventing the growth of new trees". Also, as if this isn't enough, this plant can also produce toxic chemicals which inhibit other plant species.

Lantana has also a great adaptability, that helped it to be so invasive: it can live in a wide range of different environmental conditions, it can survive long periods without water, heck it's even resistant to fire. It's not a plant you can underestimate. Like Orange, I assume.

But Lantana isn't just an invasive plant. Lantana has always been used for medical purposes, because it showed good antimicrobial, fungicidal and insecticidal properties and its extract helps against respiratory infections and ulcers.

Also, since it doesn't have many pests or diseases, lantana became a common ornamental plant. It even attracts butterflies!

In other words: isn't that the perfect plant to symbolize the double nature of a dark side? It can be a threat, change the environment, destroy and even kill. But it can also be a medicine, something useful, something beautiful.

Whoever Orange is, Lantana camara tells us that, whithout a doubt, he’s a dark side.

__________________________________

Janus: Sunflower

Do you think Janus isn't perfect enough as he is? Do you think there's not enough husband material in the snek?

Well, you’re wrong and the sunflower is here to prove it.

Sunflower symbolizes loyalty, adoration, longevity, vitality, worship. Now add this up to the sunflower’s behaviour and how it follows the sun... and you’ll get Janus. Janus literally acts like a sunflower: Thomas is his sun and everything Janus does is for him. His whole existence is centered around Thomas.

But we already knew that, because it's the same message that shone through his playlist. Everything about Janus tells us how much he adores Thomas, from his canonical behavior in the series, to his playlist, to this flower.

Oh, do you need another proof that this is flower is perfect for Janus? Some societies use sunflowers as religious symbols. Ah, some good ol' reference to religion: it’s like being in his playlist all over again.

And, of course, sunflowers are used for a variety of reasons, like cooking oils, skin care and so on. Even the flower says self care.

This man is perfect.

__________________________________

Remus: Green chrysanthemum

Here's another interesting flower.

Chrysanthemum symbolizes death and it’s the typical flower used for funerals. And I thought this was its universal meaning. It was perfect for Remus just like that.

But then I found out that Europeans use chrysanthemums for funerals and to honor the dead. This flower actually has a whole lot of meanings, some completely different from this.

In China, for example, chrysanthemums are associated with wealth, prosperity and long life. Also they're symbols of new life and reincarnations, so they're the perfect gift for old people or newborns.

While in Japan chrysanthemums are symbols of power and royalty. And that's even more fitting for Remus, because he's a Duke, so he is royalty.

But chrysanthemum also symbolizes friendship - and not just "a friendship", but a meaningful one. It's a symbol of loyalty, devotion, romantic/platonic love and, in general, positive energy. It's a flower with an incredibly strong meaning, so it can't be given too lightly.

And this makes it even more perfect for Remus. It's a flower with a huge plurality of meanings, it's both associated with life and death, it's powerful and it's royalty.

Also, you can eat it. Isn't that the perfect Remus flower?

(On a side note: please notice how chrysanthemums and sunflowers are both associated with joy, loyalty and devotion. I would have never considered "joy" a common trait between Janus and Remus while loyalty and devotion... well, they both care about Thomas and his career and they both work for him despite not being accepted, so I can see why those are common traits.)

__________________________________

Patton: Nemophila

Surprise surprise, this flower wasn't easy to find. I’ve never heard of it, so I had to search among endless lists of blue flowers, hoping to find one that would perfectly match the one on the shirt.

And that’s how I found nemophila.

First of all: nemophila is also known as "Baby Blue Eyes" and it's an extremely rare color to find in nature. It’s very famous in Japan, thanks to the Hitachi Seaside Park. Open this link: it’s a literal sea of blue and it’s absolutely gorgeous. Of course, it attracts people every year.

Nemophila represents prosperity, congratulations on success and victory. Not the first things you would associate with Patton, right?

Well, while I was searching more informations about this flower, I found out this website about the essence of Baby Blue Eyes and the passage I quoted down below has the exact same words you can find on that link:

With its pronounced affinity for water, the Baby Blue Eyes flower essences addresses qualities of tender sensitivity, innocence and trust associated one’s early childhood relationship to the father, or other significant masculine figures that are in some way disturbed.

Very often the father was absent, or there was a lack of support or genuine presence. The Baby Blue Eyes type attempts over time to cover this wound of vulnerability with a false “hardening,” such as emotional distancing, mistrust, cynicism or spiritual alienation. It is a flower that can be equally helpful for men or women, although it is especially needed for many men who struggle to become strong, by disowning their pain.

So nemophilia’s essence has qualities associated with childhood, to the father figure and attempts to “repress” and hide emotions.

That’s Patton. That’s him, period. The childhood-related emotions, that are linked to Patton’s longing for “a simpler time”. The mentions of a father figure - who migh be absent or showing lack of support (like, idk, suggesting you should die so your friends live?). And the attempt to “cover the vulnerability” doesn’t remind you anything? Like the Nostalgia episodes?

This flower is Patton.

__________________________________

Logan: Blue petunia

I would like to say, from the bottom of my heart, a huge "FUCK YOU" to this flower, because I spent TWO DAYS searching all the blue flowers in the world and all possible variants, asking myself why this goddamn flower looked so familiar and why it was so hard to find. Blue isn't even a common color in nature, so why couldn't I find it?

I've learned more about blue flowers in these two days than in my entire life. I've searched among flowers I never saw before, like glandora diffusa, leschenaultia and omphalodes verna. I was so desperate to consider this flower a new species, with the petals of a bellflower and the corolla of a morning glory. I even found a goddamn chinese variant of the morning glory that was somehow similar but not that much and why, WHY this was so hard to find?!

And then, after two days and a lot more desperation, I remembered: my dear friend @reptilianwithscallions​ told me about a post they made, regarding this shirt and the flowers. Maybe they had some idea about Logan's flower?

Well, let's all thank my saviour and this post, because otherwise I would've kept searching until the end of my days.

Long story short, Logan's flower is a fucking blue petunia.

And it's a very peculiar choice, because petunias have multiple meanings, several of which can be contradictory.

In general, petunia symbolizes anger and resentment. It reminds someone that you're still angry or disappointed by their actions and you haven’t gotten over the things that caused these feelings.

Oh my, I didn't know we were back in Logan's playlist. It's basically what he kept expressing towards Thomas with his songs: that he was angry at Thomas for his decision, that he doesn't approve that Thomas hasn't "a real job" and so on. Petunia is a flower that screams passive-aggressive, so it's perfect for Logan.

But petunia's meaning deeply changes, depending on the color of the flower. And while petunia in general symbolizes anger, a blue petunia is a symbol of peacefulness, intimacy and deep trust, shared between two or more people. It's so wholesome, because the deep trust reminds me - again - of Logan's playlist and how it ended: no matter what, he and Thomas are always best friends.

Also, petunia flowers have even a secret meaning behind. Since they’re also gifted to new neighbors or to people who have just moved into a new home, they represent a perfect welcome and a way to express affection and kindness to others.

You’re lucky to be so wholesome, you tricky flower.

__________________________________

Virgil: Perennial Geranium

Geranium is a confused flower.

Some of the other flowers have conflicted meanings, but not as much as this flower. These are the most common meanings I found:

Folly or Stupidity

Gentility and kind nature

Clever minds

Ingenuity

Melancholy

Perfect gift for a bride

You can gift it to someone with whom you have planned a meeting 

You can gift it to someone with whom you haven't planned a meeting, just to make them feel welcomed

True Friendship

See? It’s confused.

Aside from jokes, this variety of meanings is due to its great diffusion: since geraniums grow everywhere, every culture gave them a different meaning. And sometimes these meanings depend on the situation too.

Awww, isn't it perfect for Virgil? He can be good and bad at the same time. Anxiety can be bad for Thomas and detrimental for his life, but it can also be the alarm Thomas needs. It depends on the situation.

And, just like geraniums in general symbolize positive emotions, happiness and friendship, so Virgil is in general a good guy. All he does is for Thomas' wellbeing, not against him.

And this is confirmed by the vast use of geranium's essential oil. It's one of the most popular and it has a ton of properties: anti-viral, anti-bacterial, anti-inflammatory, anti-depressant, decongestant, relaxing and so on. Just like our Virge boy can be incredibly useful under the right circumstances. (Did someone say "Flirting with social Anxiety"?)

Also, geraniums are simple, humble flowers that usually grow outside, but then we take them and make them part of our homes. Once again, it’s Virgil: he's an outsider, he's humble, he talks bad about himself - but Thomas and the others took him and made him part of the famILY anyway.

__________________________________

Thomas: Cherry blossom

I searched this flower everywhere and the only one that looks like the one on the shirt is the cherry blossom. Why did Thomas make a cherry blossom with eight petals, when they all have five? I have no idea. Is this a different flower, maybe? Maybe, but I’m done: I've looked at enough flowers and I don’t have any strength left.

As you probably already know, cherry blossoms are extremely important in Japan. They're beautiful, they're everywhere and they're meaningful.

Why? Because cherry blossoms are considered the perfect metaphor for human existence. When they blossom it's a pink ocean, a party, people go to admire them - but they’re short lived, because in two weeks, the blossoms start to fall. It's just like human life: a small, rich, glorious parenthesis in the void. Something little and precious that ends soon.

But cherry blossoms also symbolize rebirth, optimism, hopes and dreams. When they bloom, it means springtime is coming and spring has always been associated with renewal.

That’s a very good choice for character Thomas. He’s basically a cherry blossom, the whole series is: something that reminds us how beautiful life is, how multi-faceted, how important. Just like Thomas' single being encompasses seven different sides of himself, so life presents a wide range of choices, of aspects, of flavours. All beautiful, all worthy of appreciation, no matter how different they can be from you and your experience.

And this becomes even more important, in relation to the passage of time and the transience of life. Because life is short and, after that, there won't be any more time to appreciate anything.

In addition to that, I would like to point out how the theme of passage of time is something we already saw in the series. And not just one time, but several. Since the first season, we have episodes all around the concept of growing up, growing old, not being a child anymore, becoming an adult. And the last Aside keeps going in this direction. It's clear this is a big theme and its connection with the cherry blossoms proves it.

But why is the flower so different on the shirt? Because Thomas wanted to mess up with us? Probably. Almost certainly. Once again, thank you Mr. Sanders for making me question everything.

The floor is (figuratively) yours now: if you have any other information, thoughts or opinions, feel free to share them.

_______________________________

TAGLIST:

@willpowerwisps @royalprinceroman @reesiereads @mudpuddlenl @shelby-711 @allmycrushesaredead @aquatedia @sweetkirbi @whatishappeningrightnow  @effortiswhatmatters  @atlasistryingherbest @bella-in-a-bag  @doydoune  @miasheer  @forever-third-wheeling @mishanthropist  @corndot @payte @mcang3l  @geekyapollokid  @kawaiipotatuh  @hypnossanders  @idontreallyknow24  @imcrushedbyarainbow  @simplyapannightmare  @patton-cake

@riseofthewerewolf @frog-candy-bee @bosspotato01  @rosesandlove44 @methaley @sololad  @firey-alex  @sashootkahoot​ @chewy-rubies @groaaaaan  @croftergamer​ @misty-the-girlflux-mess​  @thedevilseyes​  @arya-skywalker​  @csi-baker-street-babes​ @queen-of-all-things-snuggly

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@thatoneloudowl​  @grayson-22​  @softangryfuckingdepressed​ @theotherella​  @boopypasta​ @nevenastark​ @varthandi @floofyconfusednerd @nothing-worth-mentioning @mikalya12 @roses-bubbles @cuter-on-the-inside  @coldbookworm  @orchidstanslogan  @snixxxsmythe  @frog-candy-bee  @holleratyour-buoyancy @alexowlndra  @fadingbagelbananapatrol  @our-bloody-mari666  @cxsmospooks @we-need-more-empathy  @riverraysong

[dreamrecorder]

Ok so- idk if you’ve seen demon slayer;; but there’s this episode (it was during the spider fambam arc) aNywaYs- so like. Rui yeets ties* (i guess-) Nezuko like. Up in the air. With his weird spider thread jazz— and like. It’s sHarP weird spider thread jazz— so she’s like. Yknow. Being sliced and diced with string— but it kindaaa reminds me of like. Xiao. And his like.... weird... sad.... uh. Karma. Thing. Like y’know where he’s like hanging from his arms- red stuff. Yeah. So like. Now for the actual request

Xiao’s s/o (female if you don’t mind;;) gets kidnapped by like— the fatui or smth. And they tie her up like Nezuko :D to be like “lol haha Xiao be all like-” and she’s just. Like. Dying. Slowly. Dripping b l o o d and yknow. All the tea. And Xiao comes to rescue her— and he’s like 0-0 “wait...” and he realizes that’s like- exactly what happens to him- and so. He beats the fatui’s butts saves his s/o, anddddd she like.

Idk. This is where I need your angst expertise ❤️ like- she could d i e. In his arms. And poor Xiao would be so scarred omg poor thing- BUT THE ANGST- but at the same time;;;; the f l u f f of him being able to save her just in time and she was like fighting for him the whole time or whatever and ended up needing him to save her anyways- and then Xiao feeding her almond tofu until she gets better ❤️❤️❤️

IM SORRY THAT WAS SO LONG- im probably going crazy from lack of sleep from reading fics for too long sndndnsnsj

But if you do this,,, BLESS YOUR SOUL I HOPE TO EITHER BALL MY EYES OUT OR SQUEAL FROM THE WHOLESOMENESS-

Anyways.... thank you! Have a stellar day~ ✨❤️

The heart yearns and the wind heard

lmao this ask is so adorable i hope you’d enjoy this ksks

anyway, full Angst train up ahead but there are moments of Fluff too. There are mentions of blood and violence if those are not your thing- dont worry guys, this goes with a happy ending cos you and Xiao deserve one~ on a final note- non canon compliant and suuuuuuper long- like- legit this is very long

The Yaksha sighs.

He’s here again. His mind and heart has returned his being into this crimson world his demons have created within him.

He feels it. He feels the corruption binding him tighter again for every death he brings by his tainted hands.

He looks at his bindings. And ever so slowly, the red and black coiling around his person will eventually reach his heart.

One day, he thinks, all this crimson and black in this world will swallow him whole and he will see the light no more.

Xiao sighs again.

This is his karmic debt.

~

The moment you stepped foot within Wangshu Inn, you knew he was in his prison again. After giving a quick greeting to the inn keeper, you hastily went to Xiao’s room. The closer you got, the heavier the atmosphere became.

You reached his door and knocked softly. As expected, no reply as he continues to struggle to take back his control over himself. Without hesitation, you stepped in. To anyone else, they would have instantly met his spear at their throats, but with you, this doesn’t happen. Instead, you see him crouched on the wooden floor with a hand on his chest. His knuckles were white and his breathing was ragged. His amber eyes- lost. Observing his form, yes… his moments of corruption are becoming progressively worse.

With swift steps of familiarity to this routine, you went to him and grasped his shoulders.

“Xiao, it’s me…” You whispered with clarity. And oh- how your voice brought a wave of comfort to his soul.

“N-name…” His voice cracked, but him calling to you is always a good sign.

You gave him a small smile and proceeded to grasp his hands together with yours. After which, you then leaned your forehead to his to chant your prayers. As your prayers progressed, slowly but surely, the corruption begins to fade along with the black mist that covered him. However, you took note how this ritual took longer than the last.

Once everything is done, Xiao just slumped onto your shoulders, still breathing deeply. “How are you feeling?” It was a useless question you asked every time this happens, but you always, always, have to make sure.

Usually, he would mutter a small ‘fine,’ but now- words seemed to have left his mind and all he could muster was an almost-unnoticeable shrug.

Truth be told- his response disheartened you, but you did not show it. Instead, you opted to simply encase him in your arms and caress his hair. After all, these are just one of the few, rare moments Xiao would leave himself into your care. Xiao is aware, himself, that his state has been becoming worse and worse. And you both know, that a day would come when he would just attack anyone- friend or foe- without a trace of hesitation. So, just this time- he speaks his feelings.

“Name?”

You answered immediately with a questioning hum.

“What would you do… when I finally lose control over myself?”

It was very subtle, but he felt how your hand stopped caressing his hair for a second, then proceeded to the previous task at hand again. In all honestly, you can never find yourself having an answer to that question. “And why would I ever let that happen to you?” You questioned back, fully aware that you were dodging his question.

Silence surrounded the two of you, unsure on what to do with the sudden heavier atmosphere.

Not wanting to face the cruelty of the world yet, Xiao simply buried himself on the crook of your neck even more. And despite the ghostly sensation of his lips on your skin, you could feel him mouth the words ‘I love you.’

“As long as I’m here,” you whispered, “nothing can hurt you.” And that was the most beautiful lie that the Yaksha has heard, but he was willing to believe all the same.

~

When word about Fatui diplomats starting a bank reached you, there was a nagging feeling in your head that trouble would bring itself present anytime soon. It was like an itch that wouldn’t get away. And the only way to have that itch gone is to scratch it.

“You are absolutely a fool.” Xiao stated darkly with crossed arms, for once disagreeing with the plans of his master.

“We can never know what their intentions are unless we let them start their bank, no?” Zhongli said as he gazed at the marsh spread beneath him.

The Yaksha only scoffed but said no more.

Building up your courage, you deemed it was your turn to voice out your thoughts, “Um… Rex Lapis, I see your point, but wouldn’t it be best to resolve the problem before it persists into something larger? We all know- All of Teyvat knows, that the Fatui are not to be trusted.”

Your archon offered you a kind smile, “I understand your worries, Name. However, as of the moment, they have not presented themselves as such. If they truly are our enemies, then it would be beneficial for us to know their intentions.”

You frowned deeply at his statement. Seeing you do so, somehow, your archon immediately identified your main concern.

“Is this about the Tianquan assigning you to be her representative for the Fatui?”

The moment those words left his mouth, a growl tore from Xiao’s throat, but he held his tongue.

“Did Ganyu tell you?”

The Archon nodded and you sighed.

“I volunteered, actually.”

And at that point, Xiao vanished into thin hair, but you could still his sense his presence around.

“May I know why?” Zhongli questioned gently.

For a moment, you struggled for words. You didn’t know how to describe this ‘itch’ to him. “At first, it was supposed to be Ganyu, since in the Tianquan’s eyes- Ganyu is an adeptus and she does not know that I am, too. Perhaps she didn’t want to put me in harm’s way, a ‘visionless human’ at the side of a harbinger. After some convincing to Ningguang for my volunteering, I spoke to Ganyu next.

“The adepti are divine beings that walk here in Liyue. I had this feeling that putting a divine next to a power-hungry harbinger would become an issue. I told Ganyu that, since I looked ‘harmless’ and ‘ordinary,’ the harbinger’s interest about the divine would never surface.”

A stretch of silence wrapped around them as Zhongli pondered over your words. “Perhaps, are you also planning to dig out the truth of their arrival?”

You nodded, “I knew you would allow them to stay, so I just took it upon myself to unfurl their secrets.”

“Hmmm… I grant you permission on doing this. However, should trouble arise, do not hesitate to tell us.”

~

The glare pointed at you was strong. Even without him saying a single word, you could hear his phantom voice in your head speak with such coldness, What are you thinking?

You simply gave him a reassuring smile, “I’ll be fine, Xiao. I may be a human in mortal eyes, but please do remember that I am also an adeptus, no matter how weak I am.”

Xiao releases a huff, but still sits by your side at the floor of the balcony, letting the moon kiss his skin. “You’re not weak.” He mumbled as he snaked his hand to yours.

To him, you will never be weak. In fact, you were the strongest being he has ever laid his eyes on. Not physically, no. It was you mental and emotional fortitude. Back during the Archon War, he always admired how you kept your head held up high no matter the suffering you have experienced. No matter how much death surrounded you, you still fought. And that strength made you a survivor. During the war, you never failed to help the wounded. Even when someone dies under your care, you held strong for the departed and for those who are left behind. You were a pillar of hope.

He brings your hand to his lips and kisses every knuckle “… Just be careful. If ever you are in trouble do not-“

“Hesitate to call your name.” You finished, beaming at his words.

~

As someone who used to be a healer and a doctor, you were quite familiar with several mild skin diseases that mortals can suffer from.

If there is an itch, you do not scratch it- for you will only aggravate the area even more.

Now that you’re working alongside the Fatui as the Tianquan’s representative, the itch you kept feeling was only irritated more. Especially whenever you spoke with the Harbinger who goes by the name Childe. And since your work requires you to cooperate with him, you also don’t miss the chance to discover what he hides, should the opportunity presents itself.

Childe… his azure eyes certainly have their… charm to those unaware. However, you knew better. You know he’s capable of drowning you just by his eyes. While he may be a cheerful man, his eyes lack the lustre of joy. The eyes are the windows of the soul, yes? If so, all you see is an unending ocean that you do not want to swim in. The surface may be calm, but the deep is relentless. However, duty bound you are- deep within the ocean, you shall find the secrets the Fatui hides.

Again, another scratch to the itch, but it only irritates you more.

~ 

The news of Rex Lapis’s death became the catalyst of you confronting the Harbinger. From Yujeng Terrace all the way to Northland Bank, you ran (with Ningguang’s permission of course). Before you can even open the door to his office, something caught your eye.

It’s faint, but you’re an adeptus. You sensed elemental traces, just smack bang at the middle of the door. You carefully scrutinized the tracings, and fortunately you knew Snezhnayan script. And what you read only made your heart sink.

It’s ready.

With the adeptal arts, you managed to uncover the origins of these elemental tracings.

Scratch.

Without hesitation, you followed these tracings until it led you into some ruins.

Scratch.

Following the tracings further, you find yourself in a dimly lit room. Wary, you summoned your weapon imbued with your element.

Scratch.

Searching the room, you came across several antique boxes. You opened them.

Scratch.

What you saw were familiar. Too familiar. Dimming the room more with your element, you find more Sigils of Permission hanging on the walls and on the ceilings. The energy within them were faint, but with enough numbers, it’s enough to kill a-

“Well, well well, I thought you’d be there mourning for your Archon. But here you are, snooping around someone else’s research material.”

The sound of his voice made you sharply turn your head to him, your stance now more offensive. “What are you planning?” You bit coldly.

The Harbinger hummed a small tune, “Nothing much… But! If you’re really curious, I guess I could tell you.” He hummed some more but you knew he’s not finished. Once he finished his tune, he grinned to you menacingly and the depths in his eyes became even deeper and darker, “After all, I won’t let you leave this place with you knowing my secret~”

~

There was this one time, Xiao struggled against himself so much, he scratched himself red so that he could anchor himself back to the real world. You remembered how much you cried as he slept in your arms. You never wanted to see him do that again. Seeing him hurt himself also hurt you, too. It was like a stab in the heart, then a twist, and twist some more. A slap in the reality that you might lose him one day.

As he slept, you solemnly observed the wounds he sustained himself to. They were angry red, just like blood.

Now, you, yourself scratched that itch in your head too much into a wound for blood to seep through. You scratched too much and now you have to bleed from it.

~

You were slipping in and out of consciousness. Sleep was tempting you more and more but you know you have to wake up. You were aware that this is going on for days.

Everything hurts. You remembered how his blades, imbued with the Sigils, weakened you thoroughly. Every slash he brought to your body just drained the energy away from you. But still you had to do something.

He wanted an adeptus- he wanted an adeptus in order for the Sigils to grow stronger both in number and in power.

Now here you are, bound by chains and suspended at the middle of this empty room. These chains were adorned by talismans that drained away your energy. You were bleeding from your wounds of your previous battle.

Drip. Drip. Drip goes the blood and pools on the ground underneath you. The ground, you barely noticed, was lined by Liyuean script which enacts the ritual of the Sigils draining your divine power from your blood.

To the eyes of a sadist- you were a picture perfect in a canvas. A dark room lined by the damned Sigils, glowing an eerie gold. Then there's you with your bloodied clothes and chains. The red pool underneath was casting a red glow on your way, giving you a red shade to your pale skin.

Everything hurts-

And everything was driving you mad.

You can also feel the Overlord of the Vortex feed from your energy through the Sigils. You sensed his lust for power and revenge. You felt his anger and the corruption within him. You felt his hatred and his want to bring death. For days that felt like years, you’ve been battling against that very same god in your head. This battle was not something you shall not lose to and failure is not an option. If you fail here, then Liyue will fall. 

This god- he was driving you mad slowly.

If ever you are in trouble, do not hesitate to call my-

You shut the thought from your head. You are not going to call him. You will not speak of him. You will not think of him. You will not call him. Not to this place where his corruption will grow. No. You Will Not Call Him.

If it means that me not calling you will keep you safe from the corrupted remnant of a god- so be it. 

Please

However, no matter how much you denied yourself to call his name, no matter how much your heart yearns to be with him- the wind does not ignore the pained sob that left your lips.

~

Ever since the news of Rex Lapis's death and the visit of the Traveler with a Sigil in his hand- the corruption within him just bloomed into something feral.

The Sigil- there was something wrong about it but Xiao doesn't know what is it that is wrong. Then there's you- where are you? Surely with the news of their Archon's death- it would send you to bring forth a meeting for the adepti to talk this over. But now- for days- you remain not by his side.

With you missing- the demons inside him are slowly taking control over him, taking advantage of his vulnerability for you. For each passing day, it was slow torture for him- The worry bubbling in him was consuming him. He glared at the Sigil between his fingers and not failing to notice how his dark aura covers him once more. 

“Traveler,” Xiao called sharply, “What is it you intend to do next?” 

To any mere mortal, the look his eyes held were enough to strike fear, but the Traveler stealed themselves- meeting the adeptus’s gaze with an equally serious calm. “I have my suspicions on a certain harbinger and I-”

“Where?” The Yaksha growled.

“In the Golden House.”

Without a word nor warning, Xiao placed a hand on the Traveler’s shoulder and teleported them to the place where the Exuvia is hidden.

To the Traveler, everything happened so quickly as one event led to another. One moment, they were standing among unconscious bodies of the Millelith then the next thing they knew a corrupted and demonic gust of wind flew them away to the side. Regaining back their vision, they could see Alatus’s spear now at Tartaglia’s barrier made of Sigils. 

Alatus narrowed his eyes at the floating talismans and began to calculate the flow of this incoming battle with precision and accuracy despite his losing control over himself. 

It was a tense minute of sizing each other up, but eventually, Tartaglia has broken the silence with his annoying innocent voice. 

“Who would have thought that I’d have the honor of fighting another adeptus of Liyue?” 

The question immediately fed the corruption within him, the dark aura exploding at it. He knew that he should not believe in the Harbinger’s words so easily, but the glint in the latter’s eyes held truth. You could be out there, hurting, scared, alone. You could be out there, bleeding out. You could be out there dyi-

His aura exploded once more at the thoughts spreading in his being. With a burst of unspeakable power, Alatus lifted his weapon and pierced the barrier once more, this time breaking it without failure. At the threat, Tartaglia backed away as he donned his mask.

In a similar fashion, Alatus, too donned his mask. “I will ask you once,” the Conqueror of Demons spoke with a deathly calm, “Where is she?”

~

He should have killed him then and there. But the call of the Overlord of the Vortex must not be ignored as it threatens Liyue. 

In the small opportunity of escape, Childe took it. But he was weak and injured as Alatus swiftly threw his spear to block his way and teleported right in front of him. In a show of power, the Conqueror of Demons lifted the mortal by the neck.

“I will ask you again, where is she?”

In fear, Childe told him everything and at his every word, Xiao listened carefully- never speaking once. But the anger within his heart, it boils- it rages. His amber eyes bored into Childe’s soul- thinking what he should do to this mortal. Oh how killing him would be so nice. However, when the Yaksha’s gaze landed on the regal form of the Exuvia, he merely threw the mortal in its way.

“Killing you would have been easier. However, the crimes you have presented against Liyue are not mine for me to judge.

I leave the Harbinger to you... Rex Lapis.”

Once out of the Golden House, the Overlord roared once more, shaking the lands of the nation. However, along with it, he heard the faintest of voices. I’m so sorry... I couldn’t hold him back anymore. 

Only then did the demons in his heart freely took control of him. Just like the stories of old, where the Yaksha walks, death follows. But they were no stories. In his way towards the ruins where you were held captive, every step he took brought carnage and even more death and blood to taint his hands. No Fatui will leave this place alive. The very being of destruction ended many lives. Each death, the demons were growing stronger.

All he wanted now was to kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill killkillkill killkill kill killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill

Then seeing you suspended in the ceiling and bound by chains. Blood was painted on your lifeless skin. Wounds were littered and bruises were blooming on your form. But most of all, your eyes. What were once full of life and hope- now empty and blank. His demons quieted down.

Broken. You were like a broken porcelain doll.

“N-name...” His voice cracked, not believing it all.

With haste, he quickly broke your binds and caught you in his arms. he was fast to check for your pulse and your breathing. And thank the Archons, you were breathing but barely. You were now walking the line between life and death. With all his might yet a gentle caress, he hugged you for dear life. “Name... It’s me...”

But still, your eyes still held no recognition and it shattered his heart to pieces. With further inspection, he sensed the presence within you. A corruption. A certain evil. 

“Name, stay with me please,” Xiao begged with desperation as he fought back tears. “It’s me who supposed to be the corrupted one between us, not you... I’m not allowing you to leave me, you hear me-”

With a ritual of the adeptal arts, he started purging and purifying the evil left by the god who fed from you. He is not letting you stay alone in your prison, not for a second longer. 

Xiao prays and he never prayed before. Even to his master. But just this once, He prays with desperation. You are the light in his darkness. You are the moon in his night. 

The ritual was a delicate process. For every word he spoke, he was rewarded by your screams of pain and the writhing of your fragile body. He wanted to stop, but he can’t. He had to physically restrain you from trying to escape from his embrace and from hurting yourself. And for every cry you released, Xiao merely shuts his eyes clos just for him not to see your pained eyes. Every now and then, Xiao speaks gentle apologies and words of encouragement for you. You were coming back. But still, the evil persists.

You writhed and scratched against him, until you were creating more wounds for blood to seep through. When it came to a point, you began pleading and begging for him to stop, that was when Xiao had shed a tear. So he continues the ritual, his prayers, and his apologies. They were arriving to a point where the ritual is reaching its conclusion but your screams only grew louder.

Please, just a little more...

Please, just stop...

Please...

The corruption disintegrated away from you in a forceful release of dark energy. He was breathing deeply, attempting to calm his loud heart. When he placed his gaze on you, you were breathing rapidly and your eyes were searching blindly and your hands were desperately holding onto him.

“X-Xiao...” You whispered, “Where am I? Where are you?”

With a sigh of relief, the Yaksha hugged you again closer and his forehead to yours, fearing you would go away again. The action made you lift your hands to his face, still searching blindly.

“I’m here, Name... I’m here.” At his voice, the dam in your eyes broke as you cried silently. Xiao was not adept in emotions, but for you, he will face them gladly. He lets you cry as he gives you soft whispers of assurance, safety, love, and promises. However, you were not crying because of what had happened to you. You were crying for him. After experiencing such corruption-

You sobbed some more- you were this close to him losing you and you could not bring yourself to imagine if your roles were reversed.

“P-please,” you said with a broken voice, “please don’t go to the place where I can’t follow...’

The words, at first puzzled him, but after a few moments, he realized and once more it broke his heart. Bringing you closer, Xiao let loose the tears he was holding back. With a gentleness unexpected of the Conqueror, he simply littered your face with kisses. “I promise if only you would do the same.”

With your smile that he loved dearly for so long you too spoke your promise, “I do.” They were simply two words, but the comfort they bring into the Yaksha’s heart was in volumes.

After that, you shared a few tender moments in each other’s arms. Simply relishing the feeling of their familiar warmth. A little later, Xiao spoke, “Would you like to eat some Almond Tofu once we get home?”

The question made you giggle at his innocence, so you agreed. Despite you needing physical medical attention. But Almond Tofu with him? Yes, you two definitely need some emotional healing.

A/N: fINALLY dONE lmao this was supposed to be short but angst really makes me want to write longer everytime haha~ anyway this request really made me ponder bout genshin stuff with all the corruption this and corruption that but then a question popped up like-

how did childe replicate the sigil of permission? since sigils are imbued with divine energy, i just thought how did this guy accumulate so much sigils to the point of freeing Osial- a god!!! soooo i just played with the idea for a bit then figured out maybe these pieces of paper get the divine energy from a divine source right? and the adepti are divine beings of liyue and another thing- you guys might have noticed the change of names in some scenes- i dont know but i think somehow different names represents different side of a person like- we have childe the cheerful harbinger then tartaglia the power hungry harbinger- there’s Alatus who’s calculating and cold, there’s the Conqueror of Demons who’s ruthless and unforgiving, then Xiao who is calm and humane- lastlyyyyy i might post this in ao3 ksks

[hellshee]

uh for the emoji ask game I started listing out emojis and then I realized I was basically asking about all of them (sigh), but feel free to only answer the ones you want to answer for b/n!

haha, thank you very much! 💟

🐜 - Who's more terrified of bugs?

i don't think any of them are terrified of bugs. i mean i don't think they're even disgusted if it's not the big bugs. or cockroaches. i feel like at least one of them holds up some kind of insect and is like "look!" and the other makes a face, rolls their eyes and smiles

🌹 - Who always forgets it's Valentine's Day?

i don't think either of them generally forget valentine's day (not that they're big on celebrating it.. after all, there's so many days to celebrate the fact that they're together. in fact i think they rarely do something on valentines day itself. they're edgy like that.) but i think nate is prone to forget a lot more than just valentines day during his student days. lots to do!!! nathaniel, get up from the floor, you've been reading and scribbling for 5 hours straight. would you like to, i don't know, eat something?

🐺 - Who's more dominant?

idk what this means or what's the context. nate's pretty bossy. and brad doesn't even mind it. and if brad takes a lead it's always because nate allows him to. like the dynamic of the relationship is usually defined by nate.

🌊 - Who's a better swimmer?

i think it's brad. i mean they both know how to swim, but brad loves being in the water a lot.

🍟 - Who steals the other's food?

i feel like it's something they both do. like i think they probably both suffer from the "no i don't want anything." and then "can i have one?" disease. however nate probably does it more. like he'll do stuff around the house, for work, uni, himself, whatever. and he should be sitting down and eating, like brad, which he does most of the times, except when he doesn't. so he'll become a criminal, a thief, an outlaw and steal from brad's plate. brad lets him. boy definitely needs it.

🍕 - Who shares their food with the other?

they both do, but brad more so. because nate will legit forget to eat sometimes. *pushes plate to nate* nathaniel, please!

🍬 - Who steals all the kids' candy on Halloween?

nate. he has a sweet tooth. brad tries to get it away from him because it's for the children. and then pretends to hate handing out halloween candy. (this isn’t even my holiday!) and then gets sad if no kids come to their house. it's a whole complicated thing and nate is amused and eandeared.

🏩 - Who convinces the other to go to a love hotel?

oh god. not the love hotel. lol. brad will have sex in the privacy of his own home, thank you very much. tho i will tell you that i think they both have a kinky adventurous bone. especially nate. tho i feel like brad's kinky bone is more traditional, while nate's more adventurous. idk if that makes sense.

🩹 - Who administers first aid to their incredibly reluctant partner?

i feel like given a specific context, they both would be the reluctant partner. however, it'd be pretty funny to watch brad colbert go on about his warrior spirit as nate bandages his finger after a cooking incident or something. lmao.

🛷 - Who begs the other to go sledding in the winter?

god, it's nate. look. i headcanon nate as having grown somewhere colder so i can have brad colbert and nate fick in cute sweaters. and with red noses from the cold. and warming each other's hands.

and brad is not a fan of the cold because he grew up in california with the beaches and the waves and the sun. but goddamn it if nate wants them to sled, they will sled. not without brad complaining until they get where they need to be. it's the price nate has to pay.

they love it. <3

📄 - Who's more likely to lose an important document? (Medical papers, birth certificate, etc)

it's... nate. brad loves this man beyond words can say, but he's left most of his sense of order behind when he left the usmc. studentship has changed him. brad can't understand how nate can live like this, with cups of coffee, stacks of paper, stacks of books, pens, pencils and other things all over the place. like it's not that he won't clean, he will, but he'll misplace something again anyway. last time brad suggested it'd be easier if he just put something back immediately after using it, nate gave him a look.

look, he knows where brad's birth certificate is. just give the man a minute.

OTP Emoji Ask Game

[viridisgoblin-a]

     Oh hey, I’m free .Time to spill ideas for possible changes to blog canon idk how this would affect some threads considering Norman was full on only Raimiverse originally, but it’s up in the air still if I’ll make this stuff blog-canon or not

Norman comes from a universe very similar in ways to the one in the Raimiverse, however, there are some key factors that change his story compared to his other counterparts. A lot of the experiences with other characters in the universe are exactly the same // extremely similar save for Spider-Man and Harry.

-          Emily's illness was a genetically recessive one, x-linked so it was extremely rare that she got it and Harry was guaranteed to get it. It is a highly invasive genetic disease, and one that usually starts showing when they reach around 30 or a few years after the brain fully matures. It was extremely painful for Emily up to her death and destroyed Norman to see her degrade over the span of a year. -          With Harry having the genetic disease, Norman becomes very concerned for Harry’s health. He can be overbearing at times, making sure his son eats well and stays healthy. There are times where tests are run, some of the medicines are experimental, including some that are Norman's own creations. He is desperate to find a way to cure Harry, but sometimes it doesn't come off in the right way. There is even precautions put into place that would put Harry into a stasis in case a cure couldn’t be found in time to stop the progression of the illness -          Norman has an emotional detachment disorder, making it highly difficult for him to make close connections. It is often mistaken for sociopathy, however he does have empathy, especially when it comes to his son and the few people he can get close to. -          He is mistaken as having dissociative identity disorder due to the creation of the Goblin. However, the Goblin is a completely separate entity created from a portion of Norman's personality—primarily his ambition, desires, confidence, raw emotion, and a lust for power.  The Goblin is more of an attached entity to him, a parasitic relationship that appears to be symbiotic and one that has been there since Norman’s childhood but never a full entity until the experiment. -          The Goblin initially exists as a way to protect Norman, a fixation to keep Norman safe—the Goblin takes inspiration from an “imaginary friend” Norman had as a child. He believes he is the only thing Norman needs aside from power. However, over time the differences between the two start to fade -          The reign of terror of the Green Goblin lasts for a few years, including a time period where Norman experienced memory loss of the Goblin. With Spider-Man created the same night the Goblin was solidified, there is the constant song and dance between the two while Goblin tries to gain control of the criminal world in New York. -          Norman is still working on the CX serum even after the initial experiment that gave the solidification of Goblin. Over time the first serum starts to fade, requiring dosages until he gets a formula that is permanent, one that completely changes the DNA. Right after the dosages, the veins in his arms turn green, requiring him to wear gloves to hide the evidence -          A distinct difference between Norman and the Goblin is that his eyes go from blue to green—but it can be suppressed—and much like the veins, his irises turn green after the dosage. -          Part of the reason he is perfecting the CX serum, later renamed Globulin Green, is to help Harry—a perfected serum could bind to the DNA and strengthen it to the point that it could counter the disease.

[sojo-gatoru]

Why I Need Asexuality

This is going to be a long one so strap in, grab a cold beverage and listen to me ramble if you want.

I am asexual. I’ve been identifying as ace since around 2016/17 when I first began to understand what that word really meant and how the word feels. Its discovery explained so many things for which I had no explanation for before, it helped me realize a lot of big important things about myself, and for a few years I felt nearly invincible with the ace badge being proudly displayed on my chest. But all that changed in the last year. I am still ace, but at times I feel ashamed and alone, like I don’t belong in this society, like I don’t belong with my friends and family...I just feel so left out, and sometimes, cast away.

One big insecurity of mine are relationships. I’ve never been in one. Sometimes I jokingly say that I have “relationship anxiety” which I guess is partially true. More often than not I blamed my asexuality and/or my demi-romanticism for it; I didn’t want to ruin perfectly functioning friendships by “confessing my love”, because I knew my love wasn’t enough, the way I love would never be enough, the way I feel and experience love isn’t “normal”. So I’ve always been scared of that.

Now, I’ve been in love exactly three times in my entire life. All of them, very good friends, people who are so dear and near to me that I could not imagine a life without them. Well, I’ve lost two of them simply because my sexuality wasn’t compatible with theirs. Which is of course absolutely fine! If they don’t want to engage in a relationship with me, I can perfectly understand that.

This might sound a little confusing, so I think I need to explain a few things.

The first person I ever fell in love with was my former best friend. Unfortunately, I realized it way too late and I feel so incredibly guilty for that. I should’ve told them sooner, that I do feel romantic attraction towards them, but with me being a fool, I never did. And they dropped me. They never explicitly stated why, but I know me being ace was definitely part of it.

(They dropped a few hints that my sexuality was both a blessing and a curse, and they thought I was unattainable because of it...wish I could’ve cleared that up, but now it’s too late). Losing this friend still hurts so, so much. And I still grieve, and I still blame myself, thinking what I should’ve done better. That was the first time I felt an overwhelming self-hatred, wishing I wasn’t who I am, wishing I actually could be sexually attracted to someone. But I can’t, that’s not me. And it hurts people. That was in early 2019.

The second person I ever fell in love with was another now former friend. We started out as just acquaintances, but after we were seeing each other more and more over the span of a few months, I think there was a spark. From me and them. I don’t...want to get too much into the details here; I think when I say it ended after they suggested they could “fix me” the rest should be pretty self explanatory.

But then again, I didn’t blame them, I blamed myself. I told myself “if I wasn’t such a prude, if I wasn’t so appalled by sex, this could’ve worked and I wouldn’t have disappointed my friend.”

And yet…

Our friendship pretty much ended after that; my asexuality had ruined yet another friendship. This person eventually came around and educated themselves on asexuality, they even apologized, but my romantic feelings by then were long gone and the trauma I endured still stays to this day. That was in mid 2020.

The third person I ever fell in love with, and to be quite honest am still in love with (in my own way of being in love) is my best friend...again. I sometimes tell myself that this is just wishful thinking, that we are not compatible as romantic partners and should just stay friends. After all, they did drop the hint that they would never date an ace person, that it would be unfair towards them. And again, the guilt. Even if we were in a romantic relationship, I would still hurt them, simply because I am not available for sex or any sexual activities. Which sucks, because I can and want to love them, but I can’t do it in a way they deserve. I can’t do it in a way that would make the both of us happy. And. It. Sucks.

Instead of being proud of my asexuality, I started to shun it, to hide it, to lock it away and rarely, if ever, mention it to others. Because people don’t understand. They either can’t or don’t want to, they call it unnatural, freakish, or simply a disease.

(side note: hiding it from doctor's in fear of being refused treatment is also a fear of mine, because it did happen to me already in a rather serious situation. But that’s a whole nother can of worms).

My own sexuality makes me feel unwanted, unlovable and undesirable. I shouldn’t be ashamed of it, especially during Pride, but here I am, hiding this big big part of me, this unchangeable, ever present part of me, because it could potentially hurt people.

I just want to love and be loved in return…

But if my love makes the people I care about uncomfortable or is lacking in substance, I don’t know if I should love. I don’t even know if I’m making sense right now; as I’m writing this I started crying, because it hurts, it just hurts so much…

And yet, I titled this “I Need Asexuality”, because I do. I do need it.

I need to know that I am not alone. I need to know that my kind of love is not abusive or immoral, that I am worthy of love and respect. I need to know that I am not doomed to a life of solitude, that I don’t have to be alone.

I don’t want my heart to be broken again, there is only so much energy I have to endure it another time, to lose a friend whom I loved so much that they had to leave.

I know I am rambling nonsense now. I am so sorry for that. idk...just...needed to get this out before I am losing my mind.