#Except my grandma though. she hates me because she hates my mom and thinks she is an evil mastermind. I hope I was kidding

[deepspaceclawstation]

I have to visit the great uncle (grand uncle technically but english kinship terms are weird that way) who doesn't like me (and once tried to convince me (a 25 year old) that a high-pitched sound has a low frequency) today so wish me luck I guess

[fingertipsmp3]

Should I go to my graduation or not. Seriously

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I asked my future brother-in-law to move out?

🏡 so I can find this. Mostly I just want to get this off my chest because I can't tell anyone else in my town.

My fiancé (L) comes from a very large family. His mother (B) is very nice, and in addition to having three biological kids (L and his two brothers), she has adopted a few from bad homes. Namely A, L's adoptive little sister (19) who has been raised with L and his brothers since she was little.

J, L's younger brother (24) has been living with us since we purchased our first home last year. It's been nice, J kept to himself (his room is in our basement) and paid rent and it got him out of his mom's place. But then their mother's house had a fire and so A was displaced.

B was already in the process of moving house so she had a place to stay with L's youngest brother, but A didn't have anywhere besides her abusive grandma's place. I liked A a lot. I'm an only child and I thought having A as a little sister would be cool, so I invited her to stay with us until she could move back in with B. We have a pull-out couch in a den downstairs so we had room for her. She stayed with us for a week while the house was getting set up, but even after she moved back in with B she kept spending a lot of time at our place with J, getting drunk and high with him almost every night.

About a month later my fiancé caught them having sex.

They're not blood-related but I still feel INSANELY creeped out by that!! L wanted to be supportive but he told me he hated it too. A eventually moved to another city, and J confessed to B (his mom) that he and A were in love and he wanted to move out with her so they could act like a couple. We live in a tiny town where basically everyone knows each other, so they couldn't act like that here (except in our house but I'll get to that), but after a week of living in the next town A had a breakdown because she couldn't handle it (she has no work ethic at all, she quits every job she gets and wants to make a career in traveling even though their family is poor). Now they don't have a place.

But we do.

I was over the moon when they both moved out. But then L told me they were moving back in. I was told they would.be here just until.the.end of Feb until.they could afford a new place. I hesitantly agrees, as long as they paid their rent.

Now it's four months. And the rent is less.

I feel like I have to walk on eggshells, I don't feel like my home is mine anymore! I hate the fact that they're having incestuous sex under my own roof. I hate the smell of weed that floats up from their disgusting fucking basement. L thinks that I'm overreacting because I can't come up with a better reason for hating this situation other than "it makes me uncomfortable"

I want to tell J and A to start looking for a.new place but L would never back me up on it. I seriously want to hurt myself over this and I just feel so darn depressed all the time...

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[canon-vi]

Eira's attitude towards the others:

Reaper:

Mom didn't say much about Grandpa, except that he worked hard, but Dad speaks very highly of him.

Geno:

Grandma is very beautiful! I love looking at her in mom’s photos!

Hope:

I am amazed at her long braid, did she braid it every day? I am amazed by this woman!

Dream:

Dad speaks badly about grandpa... Well, I’d better ask mom later, I can’t even pull anything out of dad with claws

Ink:

Well, mom and dad spoke badly about her somehow... I don’t know... I’ll refrain

Nightmare:

Um... I don't remember...

Cross:

Oh, that baker, dad doesn’t really like him, like, I don’t know, I like his baked goods, did he have bad ones before or something?

Merciless:

I feel sorry for him, Aunt Drop is really crazy, and dad isn’t even going to do anything about it...

Lux:

Dad hates her... We'll have to find out why! Detective Eira will take care of it!

Pallete:

Even though dad doesn't do anything with Aunt Drop, I still love him, he works so hard

Goth:

Mom is very beautiful! I want to be like her, but I don’t really want to lose my hair yet, haha—

Drop:

Aunt... Strange... The way she treats Mr. Merciless and baby Daff...

Elva:

This little thing is always pretending to be me in front of my friends and trying to kill someone! ... Why doesn't she understand that murder doesn't require witnesses?

Daffodil:

Poor baby... I don't understand why dad doesn't do anything about all this?

Bonus:

Callisto:

Dad says he's bad, mom says he's good... I don't know

Taisiya:

Dad didn't talk much about her, I didn't even know that dad had another sister

Artemis:

Queen Artemis? She always looks so sad, is it because dad chose mom over her? I would be sad too, but I think that guy wouldn’t have lived long because of Eli

Sunshine:

Crazy beauty! She's a lot of fun! Also, if I don't want to listen to Eli's ravings about mushrooms, then I can send her to her

Vivi:

I saw her on the street several times, but she always pretended that we didn't know each other, I hope Daffodil is okay with Aunt Vi

Shelki:

I often help her dress fashionably when she can't! Aunt Shel is very kind!!

Tace:

... Is she really older than me? She looks 10... But she likes my and Eli's wings! She's also very cute

--------------------------🦊----------------------------

Elva's attitude towards others:

Reaper:

Looking at grandfather’s work, their family life looked as if grandfather went out to buy bread and returned with milk all the time

Geno:

I like to listen to my grandmother’s stories about how she ignored my grandfather, now I know how I will torture my future boyfriend!

Hope:

Hope is so old... And why did she love someone like Grandpa Dream? I thought with age comes wisdom... He doesn't deserve you, Grandma Hope!

Dream:

I don’t know, I don’t give a fuck, I didn’t even see him

Ink:

She cheated on my grandfather, how else can I feel about her? The Drop is probably all in her, crazy

Nightmare:

Some kind of evil guy... I don't know

Cross:

A? Who? Baker? Do you think I remember every baker I see? Am I crazy according to you?

Merciless:

He’s seriously like Drop’s hostage, what kind of eternal BDSM games do they have there? Does Merciless know a safe word?

Lux:

I only saw her in photographs, and then in Miss Hope’s photo album, dad cut out all the photos with her from his photo album

Pallete:

Dad is creepy, I love mom more, otherwise he sees what that crazy woman is doing with Mr. Merciless and Daff, and doesn’t do anything!

Goth:

I love my mother, I also want to become Death in the future and then all the offenders of Eri will go to the bottom in the lava lake of hell!

Drop:

She's crazy, what else can I say?

Eira:

My bitch, I like the way she braids my hair, it’s beautiful and comfortable! How the hell does she do that?

Daffodil:

No matter how sadistic I am, even I feel sorry for this little girl, her parents are fucked up, both of them

Bonus:

Callisto:

Until you decide who to believe, mom or dad, you can go crazy, so I don’t know

Taisiya:

If it weren’t for my mother, Eri and I probably wouldn’t have known about her, well, we’ve never seen her and don’t even know where she lives

Artemis:

Queen Artemis, I heard that she was dad's beloved, but for some reason he decided to stay with mom... Why?

Sunshine:

She's crazy... She's fun to be around! I wonder if she can dye my hair too?

Vivi:

Uhh, I only remember how she argued very strongly with Drop and took away Daffodil, then it was very loud, she was screaming so much... I understand her, Drop is a crazy bitch

Shelki:

Aunt Shel is very funny! I love looking at her schyte collection!

Tace:

She's creepy... This is cool! I like her!

--------------------------🦊----------------------------

E. L. A. by @anotherrosesthatfell

E. L. A. Queen by @itzcherrybonbon / @abloomingsunflower

E. L. A. Sunshine by @il1ketulipz

[adelarsims]

This is Zach, a bad guy with a good heart. Uni dropout, smarter than others think, and kinder than he tries to let on.

He's rude, swears a lot, has a short fuse but is crazy loyal to people he's close with, surprisingly nice to elders because he had a grandma that loved him and was kind to him even when he behaved like shit, and back then he wasn't always kind to her so now he feels bad about that, he's really good at math, makes arm jokes that make people uncomfortable, and his go-to playlist is actually softer than you'd expect.

He's 27 years old. Closeted bisexual slightly leaning towards men without really thinking of it more than of just a good friendship (he emotionally connects with guys easier and needs a bit more time to warm up to a girl), plus he's not really romantic in general to reflect on these feelings too much. His best idea of romance is sitting on a car trunk somewhere in the middle of nowhere and eating junk food together, trash talking each other, laughing loudly and bumping shoulders.

Zach trivia:

he despises people who pick on someone way smaller or only when they outnumber someone. pick someone your own size, assholes!

there was one shy guy in school who considered zach a kind person and his friend, despite zach being a troublemaker and constantly picking up fights, and despite the fact that they didn’t hang out and barely ever talked, because when this guy talked and others started to talk over him, zach yelled at them to shut the fuck up until the guy could finish the story.

he listens to music a lot but pays more attention to the rhythm than to lyrics. lyrics can be good or a complete trash and he will still listen to it just the same if the beat is right.

about arm jokes: like when he's asked what time is it by someone who doesn't know about his arm, and he lifts his left arm up, as if he’s going to look at the time, and says, “oh shit, i forgot my watch at home”. he also uses expressions with words "hand" or "arm" in them (like "i need a hand" or "it will cost me an arm and a leg") unnecessarily often, precisely because people usually awkwardly avoid using these words around him.

he also makes up all kinds of stories about how he lost his arm, like "the shark bit it right off while i was surfing in Sulani"

but at the same time, he hates when people recognize him by missing an arm, or pay too much attention, or it's the first thing they think about him. "yeah, yeah, no arm, alright. dude, it's not my whole fucking personality!"

unlike many of my other characters with their problematic family backgrounds, zach has very normal, average family that has its communication problems occasionally but in general is loving and supportive.

he’s a huge sweet tooth but doesn’t indulge too much around others because “sweets are girls' thing” yup he has some weird gender stereotypes like that. yeah, leave him with a few snickers bars unsupervised, and see how soon he'll start stuffing his face.

was a part of math competition team at school until he started hanging out with a bunch of good for nothing dudes, so he’s like smarty smart actually. even though not many ppl care to know about that.

he was really short until late teenage years and was very self conscious about that. he was afraid that he's gonna stay short forever and had sudden growth spurt only after 18.

his full name is, unsurprisingly, Zachary, but no one ever calls him that except for his mom when she's mad and he's in for an earful.

he's had commited (ish) relationships a couple times, but usually they tend to not last. he knows that he's "supposed" to have a girlfriend because everyone else does, but he doesn't know what exactly he's supposed to feel towards her, so he mostly treated his girlfriends like his bros, and girls weren't happy about that dynamic in a long run.

i'm not sure but i think he might be aromantic or somewhere close to aro spectrum. he doesn't really understand the appeal or feel the need for love talks and illogical romantic gestures, and they don't make him weak in his knees. and while he would probably want a solid relationship, for him it's more about partnership and having each other's back through thick and thin. oh, and ofc a lot of sex. he has pretty high sex drive.

he can whistle masterfully and likes songs with long whistle solo because he can whistle along and show off (like "wind of change", "other people" or this one whistle song from "kill bill").

[notquitecharlie]

7/13/23 Again

Dear Friend,

I’m sorry I’m a liar. I don’t want to lie to you, I lie too much. It’s never “big” lies the kind that mean anything to anyone but me but I lie too much about who I am and how I feel to lie to you too. I’m going to try to share as much of myself that I don’t share with anyone else now. This post will be long, the ones that follow it may be too if you don’t want to read it friend you don’t have to but I think some part of me needs to write it. I hope that you don’t judge me because, I trust you friend even though we likely haven’t met yet. I’m going to attempt to be relatively chronological except in one part, the beginning. 

I’m not always happy friend. Sometimes I am so sad and lonely and anxious and scared that it physically hurts but I still smile and am polite and kind as I can and if anyone were to ask me I would always say that I’m happy. I lie most days about this and I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s like a part of me feels like if I lie and say that I’m happy I will be, that the more I smile the more I’ll mean it.

Ever since I was young I’ve been called ugly, especially by my mom. I feel horrid saying that but I’m trying to be honest so there. When I was small and did plays she would clip extensions into my hair, when I was about 11 or 12 going to a school presentation fair thing I put on a dress my grandma had given me and I felt gorgeous, sure I had acne and a bad hair day but still I asked her how I looked and the response was “like a homeless person what the hell are you thinking I’m doing your hair”. Every time I’ve done something like a choir performance or taken school pictures she’s smattered makeup onto my face to cover up the imperfections and asked me why I didn’t do it myself, I’ve always told her I forgot or sometime along those lines but I’ll be honest to you. I can’t stand makeup for the most part. Some days I can and I’ll do fun makeup for me but I lie and hide too much without covering my face.

Eating can be so fucking hard and I don’t know why. I’m very skinny, you can see my spine and my ribs and shoulder bones all of it and I hate it but sometimes eating physically hurts. It’s like I just feel bad, you know?

I’m gay and I wish my family would stop talking about gay people so horribly and using the word lesbian as an insult. I wish my nine year old sister wasn’t already brainwashed into that way of thinking too. I don’t want to talk about how cute guys are. I don’t.

I have horrible nightmares most nights. They just feel so real and every night I say sweet dreams to every person so. many. times. But no one ever says it back and i wonder if they did, would it make any difference?

I want to finish my sentences sometimes without being interrupted or shushed. I’m not stupid and I wish people would give my the tiniest bit of respect to listen to what im saying. Sometimes it matters.

I cry. I fidget. I over apologize to (normally to) people who don’t deserve it. I hate talking to people. I hate asking for stuff. I get overly worried about cleanliness. Sometimes loud noises physically pain me (not just in the ow my ears hurt way). Textures especially with food tend to disgust me (cheese, oil, olives, popsicle sticks, some bread, tortillas,eggs) I can normally force myself to eat it but other days I just can’t. Nothing feels safer than the number seven.

I’m sorry to share all of this and I’m also sorry I would love to do it again sometime.

Love always, 

Athena

[sevicia]

I woke up and immediately felt like ranting hello my beauties 🥂

I've been in and out of sleep today & at some point I woke up because my sister was telling me to check Whatsapp so I could go and try to fix up our grandma's TV. so I checked thinking my mom like, asked Me specifically, but her text was directed at both of us and I was so confused I fucked up and asked my sister why she wouldn't go and her immediate response was "because I don't want to", and I was so tired I accidentally fell back asleep and just now got back from helping her fix the TV where my only role was to hold it up from one side and while I was like, trying to grab it for her she repeated "from the bottom. from the BOTTOM." which I was trying to do but couldn't cause of her hand and it turned out all right eventually but I still don't know how I should've gone about holding it to get it right ?

I also clear and set the table for lunch everyday even though it's her chore and she tells me to do it because she's the one who cooks, but it just means All she does chore-wise is cook and maybe do her part of the dishes while I clean the table, clean the counters, hang up the laundry, put away the clean dishes and maybe do my part of the dishes.

plus when we're having lunch and I get distracted in the middle of eating by looking at my phone or smth she just tells me "EAT ALREADY" and I get why she does it so I can't really complain but it does make me feel bad for some reason. when I don't finish all my food she tells me I'm way too picky and when I don't wanna try new foods, or re-try ones I KNOW I don't like (which she loves to try and force me to try again for some reason???) she calls me childish and stupid.

so it's like, in General I end up doing the stuff she doesn't want to do except for when my mom's home and she intervenes because it turns out I AM five years old after all.

and I know I'm fucking stupid for saying yes to basically everything she asks me to do but I'm just so terrified of her being mad at me at any capacity or her hating me again and being really mean to me again because it was horrible to be insulted and made fun of every single day inside my own house and now I am still being insulted just way less often (and now she just calls me stupid, not other things) and she still makes fun of me a lot but is like way less intense about it so if you look at just those two things it's like I'm getting the lite version of my childhood BUT another reason I don't want her to hate me is just because of how awful it always felt to have my sister hate me as a kid. and now she doesn't hate me anymore and she tells me she loves me and worries about me and regrets treating me like that when we were kids and it's just. genuinely terrifying to think about her taking it all back and leaving me alone again even though I have friends now, I would still be alone because she's the one I've spent my whole life with, she's the one I share a room with and she's the one I talk the most with. she's the one person in my life who is even CLOSE to understanding me and I love her so much and losing that just because I couldn't suck it up is so so scary.

so I'm perpetually doing things for her just begging please don't hate me please don't hate me please don't hate me while she still calls me stupid and makes fun of me for getting things wrong and it makes me so so angry because it's so pathetic it's so pathetic for me to be like this it makes me want to bash my own head in with a rock

[sapphim]

i had a look at your characters page and didn't see anything about it so.... can we hear more about "does trevelyan's sister make it her life's goal to politically marry the prince of starkhaven" bc that sounds like it could be a hilarious situation and i'm very intrigued

😳👉👈

yeah lol I don't have the Trevelyan Family Drama on my character page because there is so much of it and so many of them, but, basically, all the kids resent dear old dad to varying degrees and miss when grandma was the family matriarch instead because she was more chill and Bann August is a dick. they're an expansive family of only minor noble status, very devout, and in August's eyes if you're not either pumping out more Trevelyans or dedicating your life to chantry service, you're of no use to him and wasting your life. funny how Alden becoming religious figurehead of an influential cult and saving the world still isn't enough to please him or make him say nice things to his son though lol. quite possibly he's just a dick and a control freak who hates when he doesn't get his way! curious.

anyway Evelyn is the eldest daughter as well as the eldest child of his second wife, and she's Willful. she was also dead set on convincing dad that she should be primary inheritor of the estate, because she Wants it most. her primary competition would have been Maxwell, the eldest, except he got taken away to the Circle, and since then Daniel's been groomed to inherit as "New Eldest, Since Max May As Well Be Dead To Me," and that's all we'll say about that Family Drama!

...this is long btw

Dan's been married (to a solid political match, though not a particularly upwardly-mobile one) and pumping out Trevelyans so he's in good family standing. Evelyn otoh has been fighting off all of August's efforts to marry her off to get her out of his hair. these attempted matches started off as good, ambitious matches that would have marginally improved the family's standing and also have the benefit of shuffling Evelyn off to a more important estate to become her husband's problem. Evelyn found fault with every proposed match and the quality of these matches has been steadily degrading, though not the frequency with which they are proposed. they're just fucking with each other now.

in this version of the worldstate, Sebastian was my replacement for Cullen as Commander of the Inquisition's forces. he's devout, he's personally connected to the Inquisition, and he's had a few years' experience as head of state of Starkhaven, which had involved a rather unfortunate amount of warring among the nobility. He's not the perfect fit for the position but like, unless you're going to dredge up someone like Loghain or Ser Cauthrien, show me someone who is.

anyway, by now well into her 30s, Evelyn has come to accept that she's just never going to inherit that damn estate she wanted so badly. rn she's content to be obnoxiously spinstery and make her existence as annoying as possible to August while not getting cut out entirely like Max and Alden. but she's still an intensely Ambitious and Stubborn person (much like dad) and while she's ceded that battle she still wants to Win The War.

so she and mom finally manage to convince August to take a trip with them out to Skyhold to visit Alden, bc again, he is Stubborn but they are Stubborner, and they think he should probably speak to his youngest son at least once every few years. Alden is happy to see two out of the three of them (guess which two!) and Evelyn finally gets to meet the Prince of Starkhaven. who, you know, was apparently a notorious party boy before disappearing off the face of thedas for like a decade, only reemerging after the assassination of his entire family, and wresting control of Starkhaven out of a morass of political turmoil. there's been gossip. so much gossip. Alden spent years being a bohemian teenage layabout in Starkhaven (more Family Drama!) and Sebastian was before his time, but there was so much gossip.

anyway Evelyn is like "I'm gonna go chat up the prince," bc like. obviously. August's political matches for her started off as ambitious, but not prince ambitious. that would be well above his reach and station. so that would tick him off, certainly. and she wants a goddamn estate to run bc goddammit, she'd be good at it.

they get to talking and they very quickly learn that they have a lot of things in common! like 1) they both hate being constantly told they should get married and 2) they both hate nearly every single shitty advantageously-positioned noble they've been told they should consider getting married to.

Evelyn is like "if we married each other, then they'd have to tell us to stop marrying other people, haha jk unless?" nah she's actually very blunt and straightforward about it. she's like "look I can't not consider that this would be a good match for me, and also that it would piss off my father, which is something I take great joy in. I'm smart and I'm competent and I have a low tolerance for bullshit. my brother speaks highly of you and I think we get to know each other, so I'll write, okay? even if nothing comes of it"

so anyway that's the story of how Evelyn becomes the princess of Starkhaven by becoming the prince's pen-pal and bitching with him about how annoying and useless petty politicking is. I don't know that they fall in love so much as fall in like? and she is, somewhat annoyingly, as clever and pretty and charming and competent as she claims to be.

[evathekoolestt]

somerimes i get so sick of living . who am i to be who i am ? i dont think im real . i think if god is real , im some sort of guinea pig or sick joke that he decided to play on the people around me . i destroy everyone im around . ive done nothing but hurt the people around me . even the good things come with the bad and i hate it . i just want the people i love to feel reassured and not have to read between lines or look deeply within the stuff i say . i dont ever mean any of the mean stuff i say. i feel like theres a bug inside my head that tells me what to do except i listen to everything it says becuaese i dont know how not to. i think in scents and textures and faces and lpoks and colors and shapes and the way things sound or the way they crack when they hit concrete . i dont think befote i speak . im making up this very paragraph as i write it . i want a loving father so bad . i want to be a daddys girl . i want to feel comfort when hr hugs me and i want to feel safe when i hear his voice. i feel a part of me craxk every time i think about him . if i have to feel this way any longer im gonna start cutting myself ahain i finally stopped a motnh ago but my mind is so fuckrd up i camt resist anymore . i never feel satisfied. i never feel complete . i just feel dull . constantly. i want to rip out my ribs and suck the fat from my stomach and shrink my chest and grow my hair and cahnge everything to the point where i am unrecognizable . i hate everytjing so much and i dont rven know why . well not everything . i love laynee . and my grandma . and my mom and my brother and my papa . everyone else can go fuck themselves . i love them all so much . i love grandma and laynee the most . theyre everythung to me . i see laynee as a sortof skeptical person . not in a bad way , however , i think she sees people for what they are , for the most part (... she has this absolutely stupid (now ex) best friend who she still misses alot i think . but she had a sentimental connection to him because theyd been friends for years , so i get it . its hard to let go of people .) i feel like she doesnt 100% fully believe anything , but i hope she fully believes that i love her . i love her with all my heart . id fucking kill for laynee . i want to be with her every day. anwyays sorry i gushed a little bit . i think one day ill actually be happy . years and years from now . i think i do have a chance . but whether i waste that chance or not depends on how i play my cards . i feel as though my life is irrelevant . im a 12 year old , lower middle class , obese , ugly girl in a stupid , forgettable , trumphumping city whos school system has about a quarter of the funding that everett has because taxes go to the fucking churches because a god that we dont know is real or not is more important than people that we know are real's eduacation . i hate thjs city . jesus christ tjis is so many words

[just-an-enby-lemon]

Every time I get into youtube this days there is like five videos about terfs and four that are exclusivaly about JK and always from new people debating it again and again and I don't know why the algorithmic thinks that because I watched some of thoses videos some time ago I'll want to keep doing it forever and like I'm just soo tired.

I don't know how to explain it because I feel shitty all the time about a bunch of things and transphobia is on top and I'm tired. And when I enter youtube I don't want to be bombarded with the memory that there is a vocal group that hates my existence and has a lot of political support. I just want something to play while I try to finish all my monthly solitary challenges and destress so I can think.

And that's nothing against the videos. I understand we need to talk about it and it's good that the bigots aren't the ones completly controlling the narrative but I don't know I guess I just want some queer joy. I just want to be happy for half a second. And I used to not care. But I'm the only trans person (and nb person) on my friend group and somehow even though all of them are some degree of queer I became the one that has to talk about it all the time. To explain my existence, to explain their existence to others (they ask me to do it), to try to explain to good intencioned bigots why they are still bigots and I just... I just want to exist for half a second man.

I'm not perfect. I literally just misgendered a characther for stupid reasons like five minutes ago and I still have to be the one that has to explain shit because idk I'm open about it? I'm not. I gave up talking to my parents about it after my mom said the reason for my gender confusion was because she wanted a boy when she was pregnant but I'm just a confused girl and said she was sorry for having post partum depression and making me queer or something and I don't even dare to try to talk about it with my family. I love my family. My grandma gave me happy birthday and said I'm her favorite grandaughter and I want to keep living in their lie thatthey love me unconditionally and we can only keep that if they never know. Maybe is because I'm vocal about being autistic? Because it sucks. I had a panick atack reading an old academic article about autism in class because it was soo dehumanizing and no one else saw it that way. The future ABA people treat me like a kid and are shocked that I'm just a fully functional 21 yo. And I have to debate them! To respect their choice of activally pursuing a path that harms kids and if I question it I'm just silly and my personal experiences don't matter because I was diagnosed later and never had ABA and the mothers of the kids they intern with love ABA and I don't even know what this post is.

I'm just having a burnout from existing I guess. From existing and being a good public speaker while having perfomance anxiety. And no one ever used they/them or any neutral language to reffer to me and I always say I use neutral pronouns as well and list it on my bio. And I was listed as woman for someone who accepts me and when I mentioned they thought someonelse did it and I just let them gaslight this person because I knew it wssn't on purpose and had no energy and the other girl would have done it anyway.

I think I wish I had just an opportunity to be rude. That I didn't need validation and to be liked for everyone. That I wasn't so afraid of being a problem. That I could just say that it's good that you don't see my boobs as a part of my gender and I know it isn't your intencion but it gives me dysphoria sometimes andbit really really annoys me how everytime someone goes "you really want top surgery?" yeah. I'm sorry you feel dysphoric for having small boobs or whatever but I literally have to do a drag persona in my head everytime I use a dress or make up because I can't see myself as the person in the mirror and I'm just tired because everyone has valid reasons except me. I only have valid reasons when I'm actually wrong. And I just want to be a prick to everyone even if they don't deserve it at all because I don't deserve it also and I don't know how to solve it and I just wanted some queer joy. The euphoria of being the "somehow this is the most feminine and the most masculine look you had" by a close friend. The silly smile when my aunt reffered to me on the masculine for accident. Hanging out with my queer friends and feeling I have a place. The quiet moments of just existing and feeling good with it. The happiness of when someone actually gets it. The niceness of just being myself to myself at least.

[zutaralesbian]

Tag people you want to get to know better. Thanks for the tag @tridentarius ❤️

Favourite time of the year: It used to be Christmas time. Call me corny but I genuinely love seeing lights everywhere and having a Christmas tree set up in the house. However…not to be overly personal and depressing, but I don’t think I quite feel the same way about Christmas (or just the holidays in general) since my brother died. I always get strongly reminded of his absence, more so than usual :( So nowadays I think it’s probably summer time. I hate cold weather and I live in an area where it gets pretty damn cold in the winter and fall.

Comfort foods: My mom’s spaghetti. It was my favorite meal growing up.

Do you collect anything: Nope. I used to collect elephants though. And I still have a bunch of porcelain elephants, partially because my grandma gave them to me before she passed.

Favourite drinks: Soda. Particularly Pepsi. It’s a horrible addiction that I really need to lay off of tbh

Favorite music artists: I hate music questions because my taste is all over the place. But lately I’ve been digging a lot of stuff from the 70’s and 80’s. Again, call me basic if you want lol

Current favourite songs: See above answer

Favourite fics: 90% of the time I read fic for shippy purposes. So almost all of my faves are romance lol. I’m just going to take a peak at my ao3 bookmarks and list 5, each one for a different ship.

1. A Saint’s Just A Sinner by killingsaray - An AU Villaneve fic with priest! Eve and temptation! Villanelle. Also just all of the Villaneve fics from this author tbh.

2. sideways by whaticameherefor: Gallavich canon divergent fic after/during S6. My favorite of its breed.

3. I’m still here by owedbetter: Zutara canon divergent after The Southern Raiders. Usually post-canon is more my speed for Zutara canon adjacent fics but this one is my biggest exception. It’s so lovely and well-written.

4. a fleeting moment by thchateaus: Daensa (Sansa/Daenerys) fic that is essentially a re-write of S8 of GoT. It pains me to rec anything GoT related but this is one of the more recent fics that I read and it’s so good. It left an impact on me.

5. Strong Enough To Bind by Magnetism_bind: The Black Sails AU where Eleanor doesn’t die and ends with Eleanor/Max/Anne ot3. Aka the Black Sails fic of my dreams lol

favourite video games: I don’t play a lot of video games tbh. I love the Life is Strange franchise even tho it’s very flawed. It was one of my first exposures to gay media when I was coming to terms with my sexuality. I also have a big soft spot for the Fable franchise because I loved it as a kid and it reminds me of my brother. It was one of the things we used to bond over.

I tag: @anniejanuarygf @sonyarebecchi @mrs-n-uzumaki @patrooclus @melroesplace @witch-apologist @dollsome-does-tumblr @whaticameherefor @ecstaticallyelectrifying @tectonicduck

[fingertipsmp3]

I have no proof or anything but I’m pretty sure this man, who called me twice and left two messages, is now rejecting my calls

[traumatizeddfox]

Tw for sa, sui and death mentions. It's also a long, long rant. Don't feel the need to respond or read it all. I know it's a lot.

Everything is so overwhelming. I keep hallucinating and seeing all these people and hearing all these voices. Some tell me I'm a bad person and i believe them and some are telling me to kill myself. I really feel like a bad person. A lot of the voices are trying to convince me that nothing i remember is real and that I'm making everything up. I'm not in a good state at all. I don't know who else to tell..

The only friend i was able to see passed away not too long ago and i can't get over it. Everyone keeps trying to pressure me into stop thinking about her and to get over her but it's not something you can rush. I don't know why but i feel so gross for missing her. It's probably because everyone is trying to gulilt me into feeling bad for being angry over her death. I don't care if I'm lashing out at people because they're trying to force things on me. If they don't want me to say mean things to them they should fuck off or deal with it. I'm tired of feeling responsible for everyone else's emotions and reactions.

And get this.. i was like the only person she hung out with and i didn't get told anything about her funeral and they already had it and that just makes me so fucking pissed. And I'm so angry at myself for not just ignoring all the stupid people at "church" like i said i was going to. I don't want to even look at them since they didn't even tell me anything about when it was going to be, nothing. I gave them my number for a fucking reason.

Then my mom thought it was a good idea to go to the place where they found her body. My stomach dropped when she did because like literally what the fuck, mom?

Then my grandma went and called me disgusting for having sexual trauma which she was a part of. She's done some pretty sick things and has the nerve to call me disgusting.. like once she made my brother and i sit in piss for two whole days while my sis was in the hospital because we weren't allowed to use the bathroom. And once when I was in the bathroom, taking a bath in the downstairs bathtub, she just came in and took off her clothes. She did that during arguments too, so i stopped arguing with her because i still have that disgusting image engraved in my mind. She also hit me but it was never as hard as my parents did, but it still hurt.

Her saying that though really just made me lose it. All these emotions are so confusing. That was what topped it off. i feel like I'm back in school again except it's worse because there's more shit going on that I have to deal with.

Instead of being bullied and having to deal with cps and being groomed and the vice principal putting in tardies and making my parents angry because i had to stay after school to make up for it or else I'd be expelled for excessive tardies i have to deal with my parents threatening to kick me out for every little thing and trying to find a fucking job to no avail, fucking 16 applications and nobody fucking calls back after the interview, and i have to protect my siblings from being hit, and i have to do all this work or my money will be stolen and I'm not allowed to eat until i break my back for seemingly no reason, and my stupid father smashing all the things in my room and i can't stand the sound of him hitting mom or yelling at her. All she thinks about is how she feels. It's all that's mattered to her, except when it's convenient otherwise. She's always ranting on and on about all the horrible things dad does.

I hate how she always has to lie about things . Like when dad bruised her all up and the police showed up..

Ugh and i can't get my fucking door replaced no matter how much i rant on about it. There's a big ass fucking hole in it and it's been there for years and i can't change in there or do anything without someone peeping. It's better than when we didn't have a bathroom door for months on end. I don't think they would have replaced it at all if cps wasn't involved

Everything just fucking sucks. I don't want to burden anyone with all this shit, but i can't take it anymore. I don't want to have to be a mom to my siblings. I don't want to have to lift things and get out of breathe and almost pass out. I don't want to live but i don't want my siblings to have things harder or as hard as i did. I don't want any of this.

I'm just so tired of everything. My mind is literally breaking apart again. There's too much. Everything is too much and yet i still have to keep it together for my siblings. I want them to feel comfortable coming to me for things they need and i feel I'd mess that up if i let out all my rage and let myself break down. I'd look like dad to them. Dad is so scary when he's mad, and he's mad a lot. I still cower in fear near him.

I just wish everything was the way i fantasized about so many times...

i am so sorry angel :(

first thing i will say is grieve your friend how you want to, there is no time limit!! i’m so sorry your mother and grandma have no compassion for you :( i’m so sorry i wish i could help you ;-;

[biandanxious18]

When I was a kid, I had really long, hip-long hair, I remember. Then when I was 6 I decided I wanted it cut really short - boy-short -, not for any specific reason other than I thought it was pretty, I think I had seen it on women at the time, on TV too, and I thought it looked cute. It wasn’t about being rebellious or gender-non-conforming. I was 6. I thought it was cute. The length that in english you’d call pixie-cut, I guess, but in Brasil we call it “joãozinho”, which means “little john”.

My parents got me and all of my friends together on my birthday, we took a trip to my grandparents’ at the beach. My mom tied my hair in a braid and cut it for me. I went to the mirror and said I wanted it shorter. She cut it shorter. My mom always cut my hair when I was a kid. She cut and dyed her own hair too.

Anyways, in retrospect I think that was pretty badass of me. Little 6yo going “shorter”. I liked pink. I liked princesses. I had a phase where I refused to wear anything that wasn’t a dress. I just thought it’d be cute, I think. Or no, actually I just wanted to do it. I have no idea how my dad felt about it. He didn’t like to let my brother do overly feminine things, but I think he was mostly scared he’d be bullied for it. I don’t know. My dad is a feminist. He cries. He’s a bit sexist and a bit homophobic at times but he doesn’t want to be. He’s trying.

My mom is also a feminist, even though she says she enjoyed the attention of being cat-called by creepy, old men in the street. “It’s a compliment”. She says she misses it, made her feel young, pretty and thin, I guess. My mom is beautiful. I don’t know why I felt the need to say that.

She always cut my hair when I was a kid, but around my pre-teens I started to go to hairdressers. I’d always go through a somewhat yearly cycle of letting my hair grow, wanting it long, getting tired of it, wanting it short, getting it cut, loving it, wanting it long. Except when I didn’t love it, of course. I remember back in 2018 I got a haircut and it looked awful. I went home, crawled in bed with my mom and cried, I hated it so much. In retrospect, I don’t know why I didn’t do anything about it, didn’t re-cut it or something, I just grew it out.

I started dying my hair red in 2016. First time I did it at the hairdresser too. Expensive as shit. I didn’t like it. I said I did. To the lady, and whoever asked, and even myself. But I didn’t, it didn’t look how I wanted it to. Next time I did it at home. My mom dyed it for me because she knew how to. To get the roots and the back and all. I really liked it. I loved it. I never dyed my hair at the hairdresser again.

After that terrible 2018 cut I grew it out. Didn’t feel the urge to cut it the following year - or fought it off, I don’t know. When 2020 came around, my hair was the longest and most beautiful it had been in I don’t even know how long. The red really suited me too. People - my friends - couldn’t even imagine me without it, and when I would think of shaving the side of my head, for instance, I actually imagined it growing back red. It was part of me, even though it was fake.

Anyways, a month into the pandemic I shaved it all off. Clean zero, no mercy, didn’t spare a centimetre. Shaved it off. To be fair, it felt like it had been way more than a month by that point. It felt like it had been forever. I think I wanted something fresh, something new, something different and bold and radical and mine. And if it looked awful nobody would see it anyways. Once in a lifetime opportunity - hopefully.

I loved shaving my head. I had my friends on a video call. My mom helped with the back that time too. I have the whole thing recorded, took about 10 minutes. I loved it. It was cold in my scalp though. It was fun.

I wonder what my grandma thought of it. Or my grandpa. My dad liked it. Said I looked like an orthodox jewish woman a bit. I could see that.

But I remember this one time. Not too many months later, a couple maybe, we went to visit my grandparents at the beach. And by that point I wasn’t going outside much, but the beach was such a wide, open space, we could social distance to a safe measure. So I went. And at some point I decided to take a walk along the shore and I just remember having the oddest feeling. Just feeling like… Feeling the absence of the male gaze on me, really. And I had never realised it was there before in the first place. But now it was gone. Like without my long, beautiful hair I wasn’t as attractive - as desirable - as before. And it felt… bad.

And it was weird, but I had never realised the validation I felt from being gazed at. How affirming it was. I guess this is what my mom was talking about. Maybe she was just more honest about it than me.

And don’t get me wrong because I don’t want to submit to gender conformity and whatever that feeling was about. And I had so many different hairs during the pandemic, just having shaved it really gave me some freedom to do whatever, because if all went to shit and it looked terrible I’d just shave it again. And I explored gender and gender-non-conformity and I look at the pictures from when I had really short hair a couple years ago and I think it looks so... I miss it.

I’m kind of growing it out now, though. I don’t know, I just wasn’t really doing anything about it and it was just growing, then last year I cut it but I didn’t really love how it turned out. Made me think longer hair suits me more. I look prettier, I guess. I hate how gender conforming I am nowadays. I don’t know if it’s because I moved countries and it made me feel more secure. Sometimes I’m not, though. [Gender conforming, I mean]. I’ve been thinking about it. I feel like when I was an antisocial kid I cared much less about how others perceive me. I remember once working on a group scene where everyone was sharing hurdles they went through to try and achieve beauty standards. I didn’t really have much to share. I didn’t diet, I didn’t put myself through things that hurt. It’s different now. I often think the more social I became along the years, the more I fell into that.

I liked a boy in my class when I was 6. A few years later - and I had changed schools at this point - one of my friends from that class told me he had liked me too, but not anymore after I cut my hair. I don’t know if that’s true.

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 92

I feel like utter shit.

About a day or two before I left for this camping car trip I started stressing out because I knew it was going to be hell for me with my OCD. Basically, the entire thing is, in my head, dirty. At all times. Except maybe the bed, which inevitably gets dirty because I'm never perfectly clean. Which means I never actually feel fully clean :')

I could bear it so far, but things keep getting worse. Not just this but also the fact I cannot stand to see my mom so proud of herself for "eating twice a day" even though all she is doing is eating barely as much as she usually would in one meal, but spread over two meals. And she's convincing herself that this is what two whole meals are. And she's proud of herself. And every 5 seconds I'm THIS CLOSE to snapping back at her but I know that would be so fucking shitty because she's an anorexic and even if it's not much, or practically nothing, it's still an effort. And I want to encourage her, but how can I encourage her when what she's doing is still REALLY harmless and she's convincing herself it's good for her?!

Secondly, my grandma on my dad's side is sick. Probably because her cleaning lady who comes once a week did not wear a mask although she was fucking sick, possibly with Covid. I fucking despise people. I'm really worried about my grandma. She's really tired and has a big fever. I'm praying she'll be okay soon. Have I mentioned I hate people?

Thirdly, things got a bit strange with my grandpa. At dinner we talked about my plans for the future and I basically explained I didn't know what I was going to do, and he turned quiet, just like my grandma did when I explained it to her just a few hours before we left for our trip. They don't say anything but I know they're fucking disappointed because they will never see, never know, never understand that I am MENTALLY ILL. Very ill. And that's why I can't do shit. Worse thing is, when I jokingly said "I'm going to become a prostitute", my grandpa said, not looking me in the eyes, with a face torn with disgust and just looking so condescending, he said he would be really disappointed. A calm tone but you could feel all the disgust, and even if it was just a joke, the fact he could be disgusted of me, his OWN BLOOD, just made me feel so... wrong.

I finished reading "Loveless" by Alice Oseman. It was amazing. I also read a second book.

I just got out the shower and my grandpa got angry at me for being in there too long although the water was running for no more than 4 minutes I think? I don't know.

I feel shit.

The new BTR album is fucking WONDERFUL. But I'm never going to matter to them or be known by them the way I wish I was, like some other American fans.

Bye :)

[shrimp-heaven-requiem]

me: i feel sick whats going on :(

*eats one meal a day, forgets to drink water, and consistently sleeps late/wakes up 4 times a night*

me: maybe im just bored i should stop doing homework