#Feeling my age or whatever someone should feel in regard to their age has never been present for me

[thornedswan]

My birthday isn't until March, but I am oddly looking forward to being 24

[actuallyjustabiscuit]

Ok thoughts 👏thoughts👏Everyone gather around I have thoughts about this!

Episode 2 was clearly the Pomni episode. We got to see her character get a little more fleshed out and we also got a glimpse of what motivates her which is great.

With this tweet we have solid confirmation on who the upcoming episodes will center on (thanks for not making us guess, Goose) and this lineup is really interesting.

First fascinating thing is that Kinger and Zooble share a spotlight in ep 3. Why is that? Everyone else gets their own dedicated episodes so why are they unique in that regard? What connects them?

Well, I have one idea!

So we know since the pilot that Kinger has been the one to have lived in the Circus the longest out of all of them. We’re still not sure if he was in fact the 1st human to be trapped (maybe we’ll find out in the next episode) but he definitely has the most seniority, both in age and in length of entrapment.

We also know that Zooble was the most recent character to get stuck before Pomni (and considering their attitude, it may have even been quite a while beforehand) AND is the youngest character next to Jax (they even share the same age, which could be a coincidence but it feels too deliberate of a choice).

Which means ep 2 will simultaneously focus on the oldest and the youngest of the characters.

I’m actually curious as to what their dynamic will be because they haven’t really interacted much in the pilot (and like not at all in episode 2), if they end up interacting in ep 3 at all. But mostly I’m excited to see them more fleshed out with hopefully Pomni getting the chance to bond with them (either together or separately).

My guess is that the purpose for them to share focus on an episode is to get perspective from someone who’s been there the longest and has seen more people come and go than anyone else vs. someone who was just recently in Pomni’s shoes and had probably a much different first day experience (we know Zooble cared enough about Kaufmo to personally organize his funeral so they may have some…feelings about who’s essentially his replacement).

Ep3 is also supposedly Gooseworx’s most anticipated episode so I’m extra excited.

Next we have Gangle for episode 4. I honestly don’t have a lot to say about her or the significance in her episode placement outside of her being the closest in age to Pomni (being only a year older). The only hint we get about what her episode will possibly consist of will be on how reliant she is on her ComedyMask to feel happy, which will be very interesting and we might even get some confirmation on whether her avatar was programmed with that feature upon entering the Circus or if it was an add on of sorts by Caine to help keep her sane. A pretty shitty feature if it can’t last for very long but it does make for a nice metaphor about how fragile her facade is (girl is literally masking).

Actually I don’t think her and Pomni have actually exchanged words yet in the show. Wouldn’t it be funny if they don’t up until her episode. Like Pomni is so caught up in between whatever mess episode 3 has in store for Kinger and Zooble that the two of them never actually talk and it just keeps getting more awkward. Gangle wants to talk to her but is so self-conscious about her Tragedy self that she’ll only feel safe to have a conversation if she has her mask, but it just keeps breaking before she even gets the chance.

Again this is all just speculation, if they actually end up talking in episode 3 I’ll…make ship art of them.

Yeah

Anyway, episode 5. The one I’m personally waiting for because y’all should know what I’m about by now.

*Warning: Unhinged, borderline psychotic tangent incoming*

I swear to god if Pomni and Ragatha don’t have a fucking conversation before ep 5 I will launch myself into the sun. I’ll take anything, I just need them to get real for a second. I NEED to know the extent of this woman’s damage. It has to be explored, analyzed, and dissected and I will do so with gusto when the day comes. None of these characters will be safe from my scrutiny, but Ragatha oh ho ho, you have been living rent free in my head for too long, madame. You WILL pay your dues and I intend to collect in every episode until there is not corner of your unsound mind that I have not examined in great detail!

Ahem *Straightens tie* Ok back to business

So yeah, Ragatha.

It may be because we’ve only had 2 episodes but I can’t help but feel like we’re supposed to see Ragatha as a sort of deuteragonist since out of all of the supporting characters she’s so far been getting the most focus aside from Jax, and we’ll get to him in a minute (I promise that’s not just me being biased, or maybe it is, I don’t know, you tell me).

In just two episodes we’ve seen more of what makes her tick compared to anyone else. And of the main cast she’s been the ONLY one to make any kind of connection to the main character and have enough of a meaningful interaction with her to leave an impression.

But this is what really clinched her role as a deuteragonist for me, she’s so far been one of the few to have the narrative briefly shift to her perspective to give us significant character moments like these:

The show REALLY wants us to see just how NOT ok she is.

If she’s meant to be the heart of the group, her heart already can’t take much more damage. Her friendship (if you can call it that, it’s so painfully one sided right now) with Pomni clearly means a lot to her, so much so that her entire sense of self worth seems to be tied to it (and if you’ve been paying attention, she doesn’t have a lot of that as it is). It would be nice to see their connection gradually grow before her designated episode, where she might experience actual growth for herself.

And if episode 2 is any indication of how this show preserves friendships well…

Yeah, I don’t think she’s gonna make it.

In fact, I’m willing to bet actual money that she’s either gonna abstract in episode 5 or episode 6.

Which brings us to Jax’s episode! The other deuteragonist…tritagonist? He definitely shares some degree of significant narrative focus along with Pomni and Ragatha. He’s both an active antagonist force and one of the only characters to drive the plot forward every time he’s on screen (then there’s that weird thing where he keeps breaking the fourth wall).

He has so much significance in the story that Gooseworx gave him his own bullet point in her list of content warnings (this could also be a joke, but I mean it would be funny to see just how despicable they can make this character).

Gooseworx also described Jax and Pomni’s relationship in the show as “messy”. After episode 2, I don’t think she considers him as a candidate for any kind friendship like she did for the others, and who could blame her? In just two days the guy abandoned her to deal with an abstraction and chucked her out of a truck. He’s no one’s favorite person, and he relishes that. Bunnyboy definitely has some issues that Pomni would pick up on the more she’s forced to spend time with him. To the point where I can see her trying to eventually form some kind of bridge because, as her previously established character motivation implies, she’s not the kind of person to intentionally leave anyone high and dry. But unlike the rest of the crew, I don’t think Jax would be inclined to change for the better just because someone took pity on him. He seems like the kinda guy to dig his heels in and commit to his bad behavior out of spite.

And for his episode to come after Ragatha’s, why do I get the feeling the reason Gooseworx went so far as to preemptively apologize to bunnydoll shippers specifically is because he’s gonna cause something really really bad to happen to her (could be abstraction, could even be something much worse) that he would come to sorely regret.

And oh boy would that evoke some feelings in everyone!

I feel like if that is indeed the direction this show is going, the rest of the episodes will really be something.

I’m also certain Caine will get his own episode but right now he is very much an antagonist to these characters. I wouldn’t go so far as to call him a villain, but he’s certainly not someone Pomni is keen on sympathizing with, at least not currently.

Thanks again @lilyclawthorne for helpfully providing me with the tweet so I can give some context for my ramblings of the week!

[brucewaynehater101]

The brainrot is hitting hard today…

On the topic of the Drakes, I usually prefer the unconventional but loving parent type (Bruce x the Drakes is my favorite rarepair) but the idea of a de-aged Toddler Tim having no idea what to do when Jason or another Bat does the “ur a baby I’m gonna pick you up” move because his parents stopped picking him up once he started walking is so heartbreakingly wonderful to me.

even with de-aged Tim fics in general, i prefer when he’s a feral raccoon, but just that specific scene is so addicting.

a whole fic exploring the personality of a three-year-old Tim with limited parental context and his dynamics with Jason in particular is mwah.

and then a week later, he’s deaged again but as a 6-year-old and the family has to deal with a brat with too much time on his hands and too little supervision.

3-year-old tim as a victim of neglectful, bordering abusive, parenting

6-year-old tim as a consequence of neglectful, bordering abusive, parenting

also, bonus if 3 y/o Tim just cam saw the graysons fall and only recognizes Dick after Nightwing does something flippy. “Flippy Dick” being his first words since deaging (i think i saw the nickname in a good parents!drakes post ironically)

Yes! I do adore the angst of the Drakes loving Tim, wanting the world for him, and failing. The black and white "Drakes are bad parents" is great for healing and comfort, but the grey area is where I feel a lot of people are with their own parents. The Drakes trying but never being enough is so intoxicating to read. There's usually only bad parents and good parents for the Drakes.

I also love when the Drakes and Bruce share parenting Tim while the kid fights that at every turn. It's hilarious.

For Kid Tim fics, I can't really stand when he's turned into a "so cute but so sad" version. That child is a gremlin. Therefore, I love when authors hint at angst/abuse, but Tim doesn't realize that something is wrong. For him, that's normal. Why would he know the difference?

The nickname "Flippy Dick/Dickie" is cute and I adore a chaotic 6 year old Tim. A lack of supervision for children (who have issues with impulse control due to their brain development) equates to Tim doing whatever the fuck he wants and not respecting authority. He gets to make decisions for himself because that's how it's always been.

On the same note, fics that have Bruce noticing Tim's lack of supervision and then forcing restrictions on Tim freak me out. Yes, a child should not be making such decisions and should not be alone at such ages. However, Tim, in these AUs, has years of experience doing so. Forcing him to follow Bruce's rules without choice disrespects the systems Tim has built up to protect himself. He should have continued autonomy. The goal is to support him. They should allow Tim to slowly integrate himself into the Wayne family as someone ensures he's getting food regularly, has an adult to rely on, and has all his needs met (however Tim chooses to meet them).

If Tim chooses to relinquish his control over every aspect in his life for some help and relief, then absolutely. Despite this, Tim will need to be treated as closer to an equal than a child due to his experiences. He is still a child, but he's been making choices for himself for a while. He should have the respect and autonomy to continue making decisions in regard to his own being.

I guess I got on a rant, lmao. Anyways, de-aging fics that highlight Tim not being able to hide his chaotic nature as well are amazing

[witchspeka]

I dont think Mob is naive as much as he's socially unaware, like the reason why he trusts Reigen so blindly is a bit more complex than just him being naive

Cause Mob reached out to Reigen because he was desperate to find someone like him, someone who understood his psychic specific issues, someone that could truly know what he's feeling and going through and give him guidance and support

Post incident Mob's thinking process was something along the lines of my powers hurt people -> my powers are bad -> my powers (my emotions, my instincts, myself) cannot be trusted

So he lost all confidence and trust in his own actions, resigning to being as passive as possible to avoid any further damage to anyone else, thus he started doubting his own perception of reality too

He's a kid already struggling with being ostracised for being socially inept, who just got traumatised and all of his insecurity increased by the tenfold, he doesn't know how to process what he's going through. He needs help.

And here comes Reigen, seemingly reliable, a responsible adult in a child's eyes, someone who claims he can understand him

Even tho Reigen doesnt. But it doesn't matter, because Mob finds comfort in his words and takes them to heart

Even if Reigen doesn't fully get it, even if he doesn't see the bigger picture, even if his advice isn't always the best

Eventually, Mob grows up, realises Reigen isn't as honest as he seemed through his 11 year old perspective, but like most things, he refuses to acknowledge it on a deeper level

Mob knows, but never tells Reigen, never thinks about what all those lies mean to him (ofc until he forces himself to face those doubts regarding Reigen, to properly acknowledge both of their flaws and accept them as they are, I should scream into the void about Confession Arc more God)

Due to his lack of trust in himself, Mob has relied on Reigen for years now to shape his moral compass, his thoughts, his decisions

Because well, Reigen lies, sure, but he isnt a bad person. When he hurts Mob, it isn't intentional or with ill intent, he still wants the best for him, what's the issue?

Except that it stunts Mob's growth. He doesn't develop as a person, doesn't have goals or wishes or ambitions, can't make choices on his own, he doesn't even let himself acknowledge his own emotions, he refuses to let himself exist

But Mob realises in time that he wants more than that, he wants to become better and be independent and feel again

Still, he puts the acknowledgement of the lies on hold for as long as he can, unwilling to question the way things are

This can make him feel a little naive, he constantly relies on Reigen and trusts his decisions and raises questions rarely until separation arc when he finally puts his foot down

And I do think that moment is the most resounding proof we have that Mob knows and allows himself to be used by Reigen, not wanting to shake the status quo, until he gets fed up

I mentioned the social ineptitude at the beggining but idk if I should even elaborate on that, you've watched the show, you know what I mean

He's blunt and can't read social cues or tonality that well and can't speak in front of crowds and is overall pretty awkward and I do think some people conflate that with naivety

Mob is still a child, he doesnt fully understand how the world works at the ripe age of 14 years old, but some folks take that as him being inherently naive/innocent/whatever which I don't find true

[itsclydebitches]

Does everyone know that one found family post going around that's something like, "What do you MEAN they all go their separate ways after the journey??"

That's how I feel about Ted going back to Kansas.

To be clear, I'm not arguing that it's an unlikely ending to the series. I think it's very likely, especially when I consider a lot of the cool meta people have been writing lately, but that likeliness leaves a sour taste in my mouth because what's waiting for Ted in Kansas? "Henry!" the fandom cries and yes, obviously, but that doesn't feel like enough to me (which I realize sounds like a callous statement regarding a father and son, but hear me out). The only other things Kansas has are an ex-wife, a horrifically unprofessional step-dad in the making, and a long line of comforts that Ted has outgrown. I've noticed that this season in particular Ted has been moving away from his American roots: he misses his BBQ sauce but manages to find a perfect replacement in Amsterdam, he's finding solace in paintings for temporary homesickness, he's using "football" and "maths" naturally in conversation, many of his speeches lately have been about how he once WAS this American so-and-so but has changed significantly since then. From a canonical perspective, Henry is the only thing in Kansas that's good for Ted anymore and even if we put that aside for a moment (which I don't think we should) it seems quite significant to me that Ted has spent three successful years parenting from across the pond.

Is that ideal? No, but Ted Lasso hasn't gone out of its way to paint this separation as a failure, or a crippling blow to Ted or Henry, despite them obviously missing each other a great deal at times. I'll admit that this aspect is absolutely colored by my own bias. As someone who doesn't want kids herself, I dislike the implicit message that a parent must give up everything they want/need in order to be 100% available to their child. I'm of the belief that there's a big difference between loving/raising your child and lacking a life outside of them because Every Aspect of Your Existence Must Serve Their Direct Needs Until the Magical Age of 18, so I've never jived with the "Ted is a horrible father who abandoned Henry!" takes. Not just because I think the show has made it clear that Henry doesn't feel abandoned, but because it tells viewers that parents can't have anything for themselves once they've brought a life into this world... which feels pretty shitty to me. Thus, that whole Henry-based argument rings as unpersuasive both from my biased perspective and a canonical perspective: "In order to be labeled a good father Ted MUST go back to Henry in Kansas, leaving behind every bond he's formed here, despite the fact that he's spent a significant amount of time making this long-distance relationship work really, really well."

Putting Henry aside and going back to my original point above, sending Ted to Kansas requires the audience to imagine up a life for him that has never existed on screen. Sure, we can assume that Ted will form new bonds and rekindle old ones there, but that would exist entirely off screen. Like the story that asks you to ignore the family that's been built right in front of you in favor of the headcanoned one that the characters are separating for, a Kansas ending would ask us to toss aside three seasons worth of family, community, and still developing relationships for... whatever it is we'd personally imagine up post-series. Audiences (by and large) don't WANT their protagonist to end up with [insert OCs here], they want them to stay with the developed cast, whether that's a romance, a friendship, or a family. To me, there's nothing satisfying about imagining Ted in a location the series has never explored with people who don't exist yet except for, as said, an ex, a man who justifiably makes him incredibly uncomfortable, and his child whom he already has a fantastic relationship with in the community where Ted is happy.

There are a lot of other reasons why this ending would be a big disappointment to me, most notably the rejection of untraditional forms of parenting + the message that Ted was always destined to "reset," returning to precisely where he started out, like he's just a hope dispenser who isn't allowed to significantly grow himself. Sure, you can divorce and get better about managing your anxiety... but making a permanent, positive life change? Nah, let's act like this is an episodic show and toss you back to the beginning. I've seen a couple of people compare Ted to Mary Poppins and while a part of my does like that connection, another part cringes at the idea of him playing the role of magical benefactor, his own future happiness deemed insignificant compared to the lives he's already changed. Thanks for the help, Ted! Hope you manage to find some more happiness for yourself back among everything you've spent the series leaving behind. Open your umbrella and let the wind take you; wherever you land and how hard the fall is doesn't matter because the show is over.

So there's a lot going on for me, however, the found family bit is where I'm truly stuck. You're really going to build up this community and Ted's place in it for three seasons, moving him from "wanker" all the way to beloved coach, only to pack him back to Kansas after he's finally carved out a place for himself? Kansas, the place the show has consistently argued has nothing to offer Ted except for the child he hasn't actually lost? Yeah no, sorry, I'm not a fan.

Which doesn't mean I think Ted Lasso is going to become a terrible show if they choose this - again, very likely - ending... but I will personally be pulling a Nick Fury about it.

[tapwater118]

pinned post jumpscare blauughh

pronouns.cc

hiya i’m flower!

i also go golf ball, GB, needle, tap water, tap, captain coinpin (<- silly). queer person on the internet with too many names, check

she/her, they/them, che/chem. 21 yo

fictkin with flower, golf ball, needle bfdi (if you couldn’t tell from the first sentence)

i like various things and then will proceed to draw them. big fat bfdi/osc special interest mostly (i am a huge multishipper (based) btw so erm yeah)

feel free to use my art and such as pfps/banners/whatever, just give credit pls

let the record show that i am bad at using social media so uh i am probably a terrible mutual sorry in advance

also if i like over explain something to you please do not take it as a slight against you, i am just autistic (as if it wasn’t obvious)

if ya wanna know more, feel free to shoot up the ask box or dms, i love answering questions. i also like taking requests over asks! just note that it may be some time before i get around to your request

(regarding dms, please come in with something more than ‘hi’. i’m not comfortable initiating conversation with someone im not familiar with.)

(also don’t flirt with me. you don’t have a rat’s chance)

things you’ll probably see me blabber about/draw at some point:

object shows (particularly bfdi, but i also fw inanimate insanity, hfjone, boto, animatic battle, team room 125, orb, burner, object kerfuffle, love of the s*n, ppt2, itft, and others im probably forgetting) (oh and idfb fear garden tee hee)

mario

kirby

pikmin

undertale/deltarune

pizza tower

fnf

homestuck

fnaf

petscop

horror stuff in general

regretevator

to be expanded once i remember more stuff

(art may be suggestively crude in humor but never nsfw)

(also if you ask i can always add tags to stuff if you have something in particular you want to mute, i dont mind)

i am working on some cool projects i think you should check them out because they are cool:

Occasionally Coinpin: hosted over at @occasionallycoinpin. posting coinpin, occasionally (the main reason you don’t see coinpin content here all that often)

Book Askblog: hosted at @twotonedhardcover, where i pretend to be a gay little novel for shits and giggles

Battle for Hopes and Dreams: a bfdi x undertale au that puts the characters of bfdi in the world of undertale. tagged as “#battle for hopes and dreams”

Competition for Fantasy Retreat: a bfdi swap au that swaps characters’ compositions and parts of their personalities. tagged as “#competition for fantasy retreat”

BfDI 1990: an unfiction reimagining of bfdi as an NES game from 1990. tagged as “#BfDI1990” (unreality content warning for this). please note that this is NOT an ARG, there is no game or puzzle to be solved, it is simply unfiction

Tap’s BFDI D-Side: a bfdi d-side take, where characters’ designs and personalities are remixed for something new and refreshing! (based on fnf d-sides obviously) tagged as “#tap’s bfdi d side”

BFDI Redux: a hypothetical bfdi season 6, featuring many of the tpot rejects as well as underutilized veterans. tagged as “#bfdi redux”

OSC horror content: i like turning the silly blorbos into fucked up evil creatures. general tag is “#FLApasta” but each story has its own separate tag (general content warning for these)

other tags i’ll use frequently i think:

“#asks” all the crud that ends up in my inbox and also some very nice things. it is a mystery

“#yap fest” for general inane ramblings. i say some very stupid things

“#ultra yap fest” for long posts, including rants and character analyses

“#slop tier post” art and other things that are generally below a certain threshold of quality i hold for myself. i’m probably too harsh on myself but oh well

“#word salad yummy yummy” fanfic stuff. im on ao3 and wattpad if ya didnt know

“#top tier post” “#all the day every day” “#one for the ages” posts that i really really like. usually from moots

“#literally me” fictkin id posts. you get it. no you don’t. i don't get it either

“#oiny” wife

[aletterinthenameofsanity]

A Defense of Susan Pevensie (aka Let's Talk About the Problem of Susan)

Got into a tiny itty bitty Narnia kick again and I was scrolling through the tags and saw someone complaining that people are going to "misinterpret" the Problem of Susan again and like...there might be some people who think that the Problem of Susan has to do with her being a girl but even to me when I wrote my series of Narnia character studies/fics at age 18 it was never about that. I understood that the line "lipsticks and nylons and invitations" was mostly about materialism and a lack of faith and Susan "forgetting" Narnia. But I still have a Problem with that, all of these years later. Aslan told Peter and Susan that they would never get to set foot in Narnia again. He told them that they would find their own kingdom in our world. And yeah, it's a Christianity metaphor, he's talking about the kingdom of heaven and all that, but he told Susan to find her own kingdom and she did. She moved on from Narnia because she found faith in herself and her desires in our world and found a way to actually cope with the returning-from-war-metaphor, found a way to feel at home in her own body even with the absolute dysmorphia she must have been feeling being transported back to her pubescent body after twenty years as a queen.

I don't blame Susan for finding power in whatever way she could find it. And hey, I don't blame her or anything she chooses to do after the series ends because her entire family dies in a train crash at age 21 and she is forced to identify the bodies. To be honest, I'd be shocked if she "finds her way to Narnia in her own way" for a very fucking long time if that's what she has to deal with, especially if she ever put the pieces together regarding what stole her family away in that train crash.

The Problem of Susan is about materialism and faith and power and purpose and grief and horror and a girl building her own kingdom because she had the last one wrenched from her fingers. It is a girl finding a way to feel at home in a body that will never feel like her own. It is a girl learning to love herself when it feels like god never did. It is a girl forgetting- or perhaps purposefully tucking away the memories of- a heaven that was denied from her even after she did everything she could to earn her place there.

The Problem of Susan is about Susan Pevensie, Susan the Gentle, because gentle people aren't born gentle; they make themselves gentle in spite of a world that has never been gentle to them. Because gentleness is not softness; it is an act of agency, of rebellion, of choice.

The Problem of Susan is about agency, about how Susan is framed in the narrative, about how a girl deciding to have faith in herself never should have been a problem.

[problematicfactive]

I've got to get something out. It's probably going to come off as aggressive, I'm really really pissed off. I'm tagging it as a vent. Please don't read if you don't feel safe to.

This "vent" is in regards specifically to people calling dsmp fictives "the mightiest soldiers of the system community" but honestly applies to any other fictives that got a little heat that these posts might be mentioned. I've seen dsmp multiple times though so that's what I'll be complaining about

You have got to be fucking kidding. In the age where the MAJORITY of plural spaces have anti source hate rules that go OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW the SECOND a factive of a serial killer walks in the room?? If anything, it should be factives of the dsmp CONTENT CREATORS you should be shouting out

You wanna know who REALLY had it tough? DAHMER FACTIVES AFTER DAHMER (2022) CANE OUT

I have NEVER IN MY LIFE SEEN ANY INTROJECT TREATED AS BADLY in a place DEDICATED TO SYSTEM AND AGAINST SOURCE HATE THEM DAHMER FACTIVES AFTER THAT SHOW CAME OUT

And I'm not trying to downplay whatever these fictives experienced, but these people are actively downplaying what factives of terrible people experienced. "The strongest soldiers of the plural community" FOR WHAT, HAVING A COUPLE OF TUMBLR BANNERS SAYING "DSMP SUPPORTERS DNI" I MEAN REALLY

It is astounding in my mind how someone could possibly be thinking about the community and come to the conclusion that dsmp fictives have it the hardest and ??? NOT CONSIDER THE FACTIVES?? If these posts said "DSMP **introjects**" I wouldnt be nearly as pissed off as I am but THESE PEOPLE ARE DOWNPLAYING FACTIVE EXPERIENCE AND FIR WHAT??? YOU CAN EASILY MAKE A POST SHOUTING SOMEONE OUT WITHOUT OUTTING DOWN THE EXPERIENCE OF EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAS IT WORSE IR FEELS THEY HAVE IT WORSE

It's just so upsettimg because I try so hard to show how bad problemstic factives get treated just for my experiences to be downplayed by "dream fictives had their hardest time of anyone in the whole community." I'm not going to pretend to know who had it the hardest, but I know it wasn't them.

Like.

Idk.

This isn't what my blog is for, but I couldn't keep looking at these posts without saying SOMETHING

[danmei-confessions]

Not to jump on the JGY discourse badwagon, and please don't tag this with JGY for reasons I'm about to outline, but what JGY fans consider 'bashing' is really absurd to me. I've never been in a fandom like this. I admit, I'm new to the fandom and there seems to be a lot of history that has caused people to become over-sensitive but BOY OH BOY are they over-sensitive.

I've seen people accused of bashing JGY for calling him a villain. Which is just... true? I suppose if you prefer the term antagonist but people often (erroneously) use the terms interchangeably and antagonist is a more accurate definition of his placement in the story (antagonist being a character who is opposed to the protagonist, regardless of morals or who might be 'right' or 'wrong'). I think there's a fair case to be made for defining him as a 'villain' as well but I think there's a fair case to define most of the characters in MDZS as 'villains' so that isn't really meant as some sort of condemnation of his character, just an acknowledgement that he has done villainous things and some of those villainous things for villainous reasons. All that to say, I do think it's totally fair to have interpretations of his character that are far more blameless. It is a story from an unreliable narrator so if you choose to read the narrative as being completely inaccurate with regards to him, I think that's actually a really fair interpretation of the text. I prescribe to a watsonian death-of-the-author view of literature so whatever you get out of the text is an entirely valid interpretation. My point is merely that it's an equally valid interpretation to view him as a 'villain' and calling him such, especially in a series such as MDZS, is a neutral statement. And yes, someone could use the label of villain as a jumping off point to start bashing him but what I'm trying to point out is the fans who call it 'bashing' if you call him a villain alone, regardless of whether the person calling him a 'villain' is a fan of his character or not.

And that's only one example. People have been accused of bashing him for simply stating things that he did within the novel. Which again, it's totally fair to interpret things like NMJ's death as justified or unjustified depending on your interpretation of the text but the fact is that he did it. It's also fair to think his involvement in JRS and QS death is dubious at best, but it's also a fair to interpret the text that he did do it. So again, if someone says "he killed JRS and QS" that is not bashing, that's just saying a thing that is entirely possible within the text. It would be bashing if they say "he killed JRS and QS and that's why he's the worst character ever and he should die etc etc etc" and I'm sure that this hyper-sensitive fans have dealt with that sort of nonsense in the past and that is why they're so hypersensitive and quick to call everything bashing, but it is really odd to watch.

Basically any statement that's even mildly uncharitable or even just goofing on his character a bit (in a light hearted or affectionate way) I've seen be called bashing. At this point, it feels to me as an outsider looking in that the only way you're 'allowed' to engage with his character is if you have the absolute most charitable interpretation of him. You can't be a villain-fucker who likes a morally dubious and manipulative guy, you have to interpret him as the most innocent little guy who never did anything wrong or you're bashing him.

And it's just very absurd to me. I'm a fandom veteran in my 40's and I've been through so many fandoms over the years and I've never seen any fandom be quite like this about a character. Yes, the JC defenders are also quite obsessive but from my perspective, I've seen more of them willing to acknowledge JC's faults than the JGY fans (of course, this is completely anecdotal and it's entirely possible that I've just only seen small portions of both fanbases that made one of them seem more defensive and aggressive than the other, in which case I do apologize. I'm really not trying to be uncharitable). But even with JC and XY and other widely contentious characters, I still see a lot more defensive/aggressive behavior than I'm used to seeing in other fandoms.

Again, this is anecdotal and just my path through fandoms and as a long-time villain-fucker, but in all the other fandoms I've been a part of it's been "omg he's the worst and that's why I love him" or even "he's the worst, why do I love him" or just any iteration of "I love this character, he's the best to me, but yeah he does shitty stuff sometimes".

This is just I guess an actual confession rather than real discourse because I'm not really interested in having discourse over this. I'm a bit exhausted seeing all the discourse and I might even start distancing myself from the fandom because the more I talk about it, the more I realize it's just a lot more exhausting for me than I realized. This is just an observation and a confession about how I've felt while observing the hyper-defensive nature of some fans within this fandom. Mostly just triggered by seeing someone comment "stop putting bashing in the tag" and I read the post and I was really struggling to see what the bashing was. Again, maybe there's dog-whistles I'm blind to or maybe people are just too hurt over past drama to see clearly or maybe I'm just too old for this stuff. I guess I'm just used to bashing to be... bashing? Not "look I love the guy but he's kinda mean lol" or "he's a good villain".

Back in my day (LOL) bashing was just defined differently I guess.

Anyway, continue to love your blorbo and in any way that brings you joy, I'm not the blorbo police.

For the record, JGY is my favorite character and I find him deeply sympathetic even in less charitable interpretations of the text. I just like who he is, regardless of whether he's 'justified' or 'good'. My personal interpretation of his character is somewhere in between the most charitable and most uncharitable. I think he's a good person in an impossible position who had to struggle for everything in life and those struggles twisted him up inside until he made lots of mistakes and committed a lot of unforgivable acts. His story is tragic to me and deeply engaging. And the fact that I wrote this up as a huge JGY fan and I don't want it tagged because I legitimately think there are parts of the JGY fanbase who would interpret this as bashing is why I think I need to give up this fandom.

.

[fedtothenight]

tw for graphic description of suicide and cyber bullying

on october 9th, 2023, an italian call of duty cosplayer going by the name inquisitor committed suicide on live tiktok.

for hours his body lay offscreen as hundreds of people watched the stream, and some ironised that the phone set-up, angled towards a glass door to the outside, with no speaking and music in the background, was him being “mysterious”.

then, a hit against the glass door. another one. another one. a man was seen break in, crouch down off screen, receiving instructions on how to perform cpr from a woman still outside, on the phone with a 111 operator.

the live ended just after paramedics came into view, thanks to the reports of some users who had understood what had been unfolding in front of their eyes.

for a day, conflicting information regarding the outcome of his attempt flooded tiktok. it is now seemingly proven that he is no longer on this earth and that his funerals are today, october 11th 2023. in italy, it is common for funerals to happen within a 48-hour window from passing.

inquisitor was 23 at the time of his death.

weeks prior, inquisitor, who had privated all his accounts before reactivating for this last live, was accused of grooming and pedophilia. screenshots came out of him allegedly flirting with a 17 year old and/or a 15 year old. the cod community rallied around the minor(s): he was, to put it in tiktok terms, ‘cancelled’. he was named a p*dophile and a groomer.

other popular accounts, with thousands of followers, posted ‘call out’ videos about him, spreading the voice. the same accounts, the ‘batman of the fandom defending minors’, barely old teenagers themselves, mocked his live as it was happening — claiming it was for clout.

it had since emerged that the allegations were, allegedly, false. yesterday, multiple other cosplayers and users in the fandom posted screen-recordings of the minor admitting that they had lied about their age to flirt with him—who had a ‘minors dni’ in his bio.

it has since further been alleged, with screenshots, that the minor and their boyfriend orchestrated the call out, with the latter, who claims to be in the us army, egging the minor to ramp up their flirting until it became sexting. it is not proven it ever got to that point. the intentions to ruin someone’s reputation, however, were apparently there.

in italy, which is not the usa, and where high school is compasses ages 13 to 20 for those who do repeat years, it is also culturally accepted for someone in their early twenties to flirt or date someone who is around 18.

this is true irrespective of anyone’s feelings about it.

regardless of all that, regardless of whatever amount of the allegations, it not all, were false, a young man is dead and his death was live-streamed to thousands of people. in his own words to one of his friends, who showed some of his last messages, he committed suicide live on purpose to show what the past few weeks had done to him.

it should have never come to this point. at least please let it be a reminder that mob mentality is deadly, that we should never let go of our empathy, and that all suspected crimes, especially if this serious, should be reported to and dealt with by the proper authorities, not people on the internet.

i won’t stay his name because to the best of my knowledge he only gave it out privately, but: he was 23. he loved star wars and worked in a tattoo shop. he lived in bologna. he liked tortellini. he had a cat named loki and a sister who sometimes joined his lives off-screen. he was loved. all this information he gave freely.

although denial still wants to make me hope he made it out, and that he is okay, and alive and well, because what’s what denial does, my thoughts go out to him, to his family, to his friends.

inquisitor, if you're not here anymore: sit tibi terra levis.

[luxlightly]

Deep personal shit beneath the cut. Pretty graphic descriptions of traumatic events. I'd rather not outwardly tag what kind so if you have any you'll be triggered by just play it safe and don't click through.

I got a tiktok about a procedure I had as a child pop up on my for you page. Discussing movements to ban the practice and to raise awareness about the intense psychological and physical damage it does.

It confirmed something I'd been suspecting for some time: I have sexual abuse trauma from it. My intense phobia of being raped the left me unable to interact with men at all during my preteen years, my disgust with my body from a young age, my outright terror and panic at the idea of anything to do with sex and my nearly debilitating amount of self loathing and shame regarding myself as a sexual being. I always said "it's as if I've been abused, even though I never have been"

And

I was. The procedure was called a vcug and it involves catheterizing someone and filling their bladder with a mildly radioactive substance, then forcing them to urinate under x ray to see if the urine is going back up into the kidneys.

My sister had urinary reflux and needed emergency surgery for it. It was vital to find out if I did, too. It was necessary and the doctors believed the test was not accurate of the patient was sedated.

But as far as my mind and body were concerned, as a small child, maybe 3 or 4 at the most, it was violent rape.

I was too young to remember it at all. But my body does. My mom told me they had to strap me to a board because I was trying so hard to escape. I screamed worse than she'd ever heard before or since and just kept asking "why are you letting them do this?"

She held so much regret about it I was always hesitant to consider it was the cause of my issues. She'd not been given any other options and my life was on the line. I don't blame her at all, even if she clearly blames herself.

I knew, to some extent, what I felt wasn't normal, but I still never realized just how much of what I felt as a child, even completely unrelated to sex or my body, was abnormal. A child's first remembered thoughts about themselves should not be disgust and hatred. A child too young for preschool should not believe they deserve to die. That they are, at their core, something filthy and abhorrent. A child should not have wanted to die before they even knew the concept of death.

A child who still believes there are monsters under their bed should not go out into the hallway at night in hopes the monsters will violently kill them because they deserve it, just because they were gently scolded earlier in the day.

The reaction of a child to mild scolding should not be "this is not enough. I deserve worse than this" and systematically try to cause themselves as much suffering as possible, to remove every possible positive feeling they could experience.

A child's first understanding of their place in the world shouldn't be that their continued existence is an unspeakable act of selfishness that comes at the cost of the entire world and everyone in it being worse for their existence, especially their loved ones.

Not even a child with depression.

To be honest, I don't hold any resentment for any of the individuals involved. My parents made the only choice they were given to protect their child's life. They were told it was "painless and non invasive". The doctors were told the same. They really seem to believe it, even ones that do that procedure now. Even though adults who had it done and remember it describe it as the worst pain they've ever experienced.

What really upsets me is that I truly have, since before I was even old enough to remember it, been abused by the medical system in every way one can be abused. Psychologically, emotionally, physically, and even sexually.

Every moment of my life has been spent dealing with the trauma the medical system has put me through. Whatever life I might have had without that was taken from me and kept being taken from me, over and over and over.

I have been lied to, I have been screamed at, I've been forced to undergo painful procedures I didn't want or need, I have been gaslighted, I have had my pain dismissed when doctors and nurses have done things like incorrectly inject IVs, causing extreme pain.

My doctor as a child was so rough with needles even the nurses couldn't watch. I ended up with a phobia of needles that took years and years of desensitization to overcome. My pain was not considered important.

I have been denied life saving treatment, doing damage to my body that will likely never recover.

I have been coerced into a painful pelvic exam I didn't need then was told after, while I was shaking and crying and scared for my life "it's okay you haven't done anything with your life yet"

I have been ignored. I have been dismissed. i have been hurt. And I have been raped.

I have had my whole life taken away from me.

And not a single one of those doctors, if I came to them now and told them how they hurt me, would think they did anything wrong. Would change anything they did if they had the choice.

I have no course for legal recompense, nor emotional, because according to the law and the medical system, not one of them did a single thing wrong.

My pain does not matter. My life does not matter. It's all just things for doctors to throw away because they don't find any value in it.

And I have to keep dealing with these same people nearly every day for the rest of my life. I have to go to people who feel nothing was ever done to me that was wrong and I have to kiss their asses and stroke their egos and beg and beg and beg just so they MIGHT decide I'm worthy of being treated for my illnesses their system, their abuse, had a large hand in giving me.

It isn't fair. I've lost so much of my life to these people and I'll spend the rest of my life fighting to be lucky to manage to pry back a few scraps.

There's not a single moment since before I can remember that they haven't tainted. Not one.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hey sex witch, so i really like the idea of having sex but the very few times i ever got close to actually having it, i panicked. like couldn’t even do it. and i really, REALLY want to lose my virginity (i’ll be 26 this year ffs) but as much as i like masturbating and fantasizing about sex, the reality of it scares the shit outta me.

i should also tell you i’m a bisexual cis woman who has some SERIOUS body image and self-esteem issues. i’m what one could consider fat and i believe in fat liberation but at the same time as many fat activists i follow on insta or whatever i can’t help but feel disgusting about my weight. and whenever someone is explicitly sexually attracted to me i can’t help but wonder if i’m their fetish.

i also have a best friend who is really sweet and supportive of me but when i hear her stories about having sex on prom night and having multiple orgasms with her girlfriend i can’t help but feel inadequate. why didn’t i have sex on prom night, you know? why am i missing out on all of this??

hell, it’s not even just that i’m a virgin- i’ve never even been kissed!!! and i’m going to stop soon because i’m just making myself upset but like…wtf happened??? shouldn’t i have gotten my first kiss in middle school and had sex in high school or college like everyone else??? i know i’m overthinking it but at this point it’s hard not to…

idk this is a lot to put on you so if you don’t even want to answer this i understand. i don’t want to make you uncomfortable. thank you anyway!

hi anon,

so the thing is that I need you, pretty immediately, to stop comparing yourself to other people. it very well may help with your self-image issues, but my concern is first and foremost that it will help deal with this massive inferiority complex you're rocking in regards to sexual experience.

you seem to be under the impression that it's abnormal to be a 26 year old who hasn't had sex or kissed anyone, and I guess I'm wondering why the fuck that matters when it sounds like sex is an extremely scary prospect for you. like idk babe, let's maybe focus on getting to a point where having sex doesn't make you panic before we worry about actually doing it, you know? at the moment, it sounds like sex would just be setting you up for a boatload of trauma.

having said that I guess I'd say that I can't tell you why you've missed out on all of this because, by your own description, you've panicked and been unable to go through with it any time you've gotten to close to having sex. that's probably, sincerely, a good thing; I'm not sure if you're under the impression that just sucking it up and forcing yourself to have sex would have improved your relationship with your sexuality, but I've found generally that's not the case.

(more often, it ends with people struggling to figure out how to regain literally any sense of ownership over their sexuality.)

so idk, let's do some self-reflection here. it sounds like you've opted out any time sex has been an option. why was that? were the partners unsuitable? was the situation not right? or was the idea of sex in and of itself just unbearable? in your mind, what would the ideal sexual encounter actually look like? is there one?

I'm deeply sorry if this sounds unsympathetic, but here's the thing: when someone tells me sex scares the shit out of them, I don't want that person to be having sex! there's no reason to put yourself through that kind of stress! what the fuck!

look: sexual development doesn't happen on any kind of age-related timeline. partnered sex is a thing that should happen when it's something you feel excited for, when you have someone that you like and trust to partner with. if those conditions haven't been met, there's no reason to be having sex. focus on literally anything that is in your control, like finding the things that help you feel more at ease with your body. you know the saying about how no one can love you until you love yourself? often misinterpreted and/or grossly oversimplified, but it seems dubious that you're going to want to actually let anyone have sex with you until your body isn't something you find disgusting, so it does apply.

[sailoryooons]

are you on here2bbtstrash’s side bc they are your friend or because they are right, I’m really concerned for the world if everyone allows behavior like this (THAT THEY HAVE NOT EVEN APOLOGIZED FOR) just because they are friends w that person. Also it doesn’t matter that you are poc and don’t feel bad or hurt abt the situation bc guess what you don’t speak for the entire community. i would have really expected some maturity at your big age but ig anything can be excused when one is friends w someone

Hi, I already talked about essentially everything you're addressing in this post here. Being that you have additionally sent another message to someone else that is, to be fair, a lot meaner than this one, I'd like to say a few extra things here: TW: Mentions of racism/ethics and harassment

A majority of what has been said in regard to this topic from anonymous users has not felt like it's coming from a place of good faith, which I talk about in the post above. Your ask immediately going to insult me about my 'big age' and lack of maturity shows that you are more eager to insult me than to pose questions of racial ethics in your ask

I have never, and will never, as stated in my previous post, assert that I am the mouthpiece for a community or anyone besides myself. So you don't have to worry, I am not narcissistic enough to believe that I represent a single person outside of myself. And again, I am a white Latina who absolutely benefits from my whiteness and I mention the intersection between my whiteness and the way I've experienced racism in the above, but I feel the need to belabor the point that I am coming from a white Latina perspective

Perhaps you're someone who has blocked or been blocked by M, but they did apologize and attempted several times to talk about why it was included, but ultimately agreed that if one person was offended, it wasn't worth keeping. And what happened? Nothing, M was still being harassed because no one cares about 'accountability' or 'an apology' they only care about M (and now those who are still friends with M) being wrong. That's what you want everyone to do, right? You want them to say they were wrong and you're right.

You, and the others submitting to the tea blog who have been calling bipoc members of the community 'ass lickers' because they have a different point of view essentially negates your entire argument that 'it doesn't matter that you are poc and don't feel back or hurt abt the situation bc guess what you don't speak for the entire community' because... the second anyone else in the 'community' disagreed with your point of view, you attacked them. So what is it? Does only your experience dictate what should be said and done here?

This is the only time I will be talking about this. My blog is not a place for you to use as a platform to trivialize topics of racial justice by a poorly disguised personal vendetta against another user. The refusal to accept that others might not agree with you seems to be incredibly triggering so I'm sorry for whatever experiences that you have had that causes you to refuse to let this go.

Moving forward, if you wish to scream at someone about how people don't agree with you, please do it elsewhere, because I will no longer be signal-boosting your issues by honoring them with responses.

[goldenkamuyhunting]

Hello, I've been reading Golden Kamuy for three weeks now and yesterday I read the final chapter. Today I woke up and I started reading your blog and your metas, and it's been helping me mourn the great story that I believe didn't deserve such a wasteful ending. I feel like the characters' journey was for nothing. Just like you, I despise that the Sugiripa pairing is being implied to be canon, and I really wish Asirpa had never developed a crush on Sugimoto. In my opinion it seriously muddied the overall story and the consequent actions it would take. Ogata's death felt meaningless at this time of the plot. It's funny how one of the themes in the story is that each life has a purpose but it felt like most of the characters lost theirs in the final arc. I know I'm a bit late to the party, and the time I invested in the story was nothing compared to the people that had been following the manga for years, but I needed to get these words off my chest. I'll try to remember this series as the masterpiece it was for the first ~200 chapters.

Welcome in the world of GK and I'm sorry to also welcome you among the ones who didn't really enjoy much the final arc.

Now... should I warn everyone who's going to continue to read that this isn't a let's shower Noda with phraises feast? And that if you don't like it, the back button is your best friend? I hope not, but just in case, consider yourself warned. So...

In regard to the SugiRipa... I would have been fine if it had been handled as a phase, something Asirpa has to grow out of it.

I wouldn't have liked it much but I would have accepted it if the whole thing had been at least... postponed. Sugimoto leaves Asirpa, years go by, he comes back and, since he didn't see her in years and, since she's an adult now, he can look at her with different eyes.

Noda had seemed to imply that Asirpa was of such a young age because she wasn't meant to become a trophy for the hero to get at the end of his adventure (like it happens to way too many female characters in stories targeted to male audience), but if the SugiRipa ending was planned from the start... well, at this point Asirpa could have had just been made of the right age from the start.

Asirpa had a quite interesting motivator for her actions, which was the well being of her people, this isn't really such a recurring goal for heroines, but in the end the Ainu were sidelined because she makes clear her priority is Sugimoto (she claimed she would kill to protect him, not the Ainu and, ultimately, she shoots Ogata to protect Sugimoto) and the Ainu take a backseat in her heart.

I've nothing against characters moved by love... I like love stories... but since Asirpa has something more intriguing that could have lead her actions, prioritizing her crush for the hero felt like a downside.

Of course this is just me, I know there were people who had pushed for SugiRipa from the start and even the anime seemed fond of it (and completely erased Umeko as a love interest for Sugimoto).

As for Ogata, as far as I'm involved, it's not just that his death felt meaningless, his whole partecipation to the facts post Karafuto was of no consequence whatsoever for the story. He didn't affect the plot, neither with his life, nor with his death which is such a big clash with how, previously, whatever Ogata did seemed to spin the plot in a direction or in another.

So, as far as I'm involved, it would have worked a lot better if he had died in Karafuto. Even the whole thing with Koito, in which he shared info with him that lead Koito to figure out how Tsurumi manipulated him, was ultimately meaningless as Koito and Tsukishima still did Tsurumi's bidding till the end, and wouldn't have still be capable to follow Tsurumi due to their wounds, so the whole thing ended up being meaningless. Again, this is just me.

And I guess I could go on, actually I wanted to write a whole post on why for me the series finale was such a disappointment, but ultimately I doubt someone would be interested in it.

Who still wanders in the GK tag is likely there in search of positivity so a post of what didn't work for me is probably not what people would be interested in reading.

Again, I'm sorry to hear you also didn't enjoy the ending. It doesn't matter if you started reading a story long ago or just yesterday, it's always sad when something that you were enjoying reading stop being a source of fun and pleasure.

Please, keep enjoying the first 20 volumes as I and other people do and still welcome among the GK readers. Also, thank you for your ask!

[beatsboy]

8.17.24 / day 55 of being a delusional artist

day 3 of moon time

today (yesterday) was long, it was hot, i did not defend my time as an artist instead, i stretched outward, into the world, missed my apartment the entire time. the time i felt most comfortable, oddly, was during my 9am session with eugene, though that likely means that each event throughout the day merely chipped away at me, bit by bit, until i came home, exhausted, at about 6pm.

day 3 of my period, and everything that touches me feels like a needle, my emotions are like bottled live electricity and can be affected by everything and anything. on top of it all, i am in excruciating pain every so often, and it feels like every time i bounce back from a cramp attack, i am hit by another.

i used to snort coke off of toilet seats and now i am experience an intensely growing fear of plastics and toxic chemicals in everything from my food, to my clothes, my sheets, my towels, my dish ware, pretty much everything. everything is plastic, though, in this day + age, and i have to come to terms with the fact that even if this is a problem that exists and is valid in the world, i cannot afford to replace my entire wardrobe with natural cotton fibers and linens that are non-toxic and have no artificial dyes. i can’t replace every plastic thing in my home, i can’t even afford to buy all organic groceries. that doesn’t stop me from spiraling every time i go grocery shopping, though. it doesn’t stop me from panicking every time i want to eat something that i didn’t make myself (so i don’t, or i do and i immediately become afraid/anxious)

tonight i watched the first episode of the new season of the umbrella academy and in this season, victor (elliot page’s character <3) is a womanizing bar owner that has run through every woman in town (love) and klause (token mentally ill/addicted character) looks to have developed some form of OCD, especially in regards to germs and contamination. He is newly sober in this season, and has transformed into a clean freak, paranoid, control-seeking individual. Is this normal for recovering addicts? To pull a complete 180 and try to control everything in your environment? is it because we know how close we’ve been to death that we want to do anything and everything in our control to prevent it from being not on our terms?

part of me sees how i am living an unhealthy life, but the other part of me just thinks i’m right. it’s hard to tell yourself that you’re wrong when every day there’s a news story about some company/farm/manufacturer’s investigation findings being released on toxic chemicals present (above the legal limit, of course). it’s always the same; some company, whether it be kerrygold (my favorite butter), crocs (my favorite shoes), boar’s head (my favorite roast beef), raw rolling papers (supposedly natural, used them for years), simply made orange juice (literally almost bought the day before the lawsuit went public), or seltzer water (thankfully i hate that shit), it’s always the same. ok, boars head was lysteria, but the rest were all chemicals above the legal limit. arsenic, bpas, bpfs, bpss, lead, piss, whatever. poison in something i’ve consumed, worn, used.

i used to poison myself all the time, though, right? so why should it bother my this much? why does it bother me so much than it did before?

i used to think i was confident, i think i was just vacant, dissociating so much that i could be whatever people wanted me to be i never used to spend this much time thinking about my principles, how my actions, from what i buy, to what i support, to who i support, reflect myself as a person, and how they do and don’t align with who i am. i didn’t used to wince at the perfect drying rack someone sends me in an amazon link because i’m boycotting. i would have just bought it. “there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism” i would have said. sure, but some consumption is, let’s say, less unethical than others. and maybe i knew that when i was 20, in college, ordering everything for my freshman dorm from amazon because i didn’t have a car and it was easy. maybe i knew that it was unethical and wasn’t who i was as a person, and did it anyway, because it was easy. or maybe i wasn’t this person yet. maybe this person i am now, 7 years in the future, is simply the kind of person who does not do that. and maybe that’s because i got sober, and maybe that was just part of it. the tipping point, between freedom and intention. between chaos and direction. i find it hard to just let go now. the person i am now is holding on tight to rules that do not apply to the person i dream of being. the person i dream of being does not wish to control his world. the person i dream of being flows through the world, and hopes to leave it a little better than when he found it, though i suppose even that is hubris, to wish to change something else. for i know the only thing i have control over changing is myself.

[mysticmellowlove]

a/n; and here comes the third piece, i'm pretty sure i'm caught up now but i honestly don't know. my insomnia has been kicking my ass lately and now i'm dead inside, which probably explains a lot honestly.

warnings; sub male, sub yandere, gn reader, non con, yandere behaviour, blood kink

word count; 898

Disgruntled he shifted on the bed as he looked disdainfully down at his hand. He had slipped while dealing with some reject wandering around and trailing after his love. The lasting cut from the knife he had used to kill the idiot had landed him in the infirmary.

On a day such as this one, with the sun high in the sky and the breeze just right, his love would be out with the rest of their class playing some sort of game. His teeth ground together, he should be out there as well but no... he was in here.

All because of that loser that was going to confess to them.

His head shook as he pulled himself into a sitting position, the nurse had left for a little bit to restock on bandages so she could actually treat him but it had been at least an hour. She obviously wasn't coming back anytime soon, which only annoyed him more.

Just as he was about to leave the room, he didn't really need a bandage on his cut anyway, the door slid open and someone came in. As he got off the bed he assumed it was the nurse but upon lifting his head to look he froze. His love... was in here as well?

"Oh hey, we were all wondering where you went." They grinned at him as they limped over to one of the other beds, his eyes trailed down to the source of their pain. A scrape was on their knee, blood dripping down their leg and into their white socks. He stared at it for an uncomfortable amount of time, something he had never felt before stirred inside him.

"Yeah... I uh, got cut?" He almost questioned, forcing his eyes away from the trail of blood, his mouth suddenly suspiciously dry. They seemed to regard him with nonchalance as they flopped back onto the bed they were near, their eyes sliding shut in exhaustion for a second.

"The nurse isn't back for a while is she?" They asked, now fiddling with their nails as they looking in his direction. He swayed in place, now with a reason to not leave the room.

"No she left ages ago... I can uh, I can see if I can help." He didn't know what he was saying or why he was saying it, all he knew was that he wanted to get closer... he wanted to taste them. They seemed to shrug, not caring too much about him being there so he wandered over and gently eased himself onto the bed next to them.

Slowly he grabbed their leg and turned it so he could see the scuff better, whatever had happened must've hurt. His eyes however couldn't help but lock onto his hand, the trail of blood having been intercepted. He pulled his hand back and watched as it smeared a red line onto both his skin and theirs.

A shuddery breath escaped his mouth as he ignored their questions and instead raised his hand to his face. The deepness of the red only diluted as it smeared onto his skin, tainting it in a colour that was theirs and theirs alone.

His tongue flicked out and dragged along his hand, gathering the metallic liquid into his mouth. The taste was euphoric to him, something he'd only get from the one he loved. The one who was in front of him at this very moment.

He felt them shift under him, prompting him to press his body weight onto them. After effectively pinning them down by laying over their stomach his eyes slid shut as he felt the urge to dip his head closer to their leg. A mixture of blood and sweat graced him as he suckled at the skin there, taking in what he knew to be their essence.

He shut out the increasingly destressed questioning from the person above him and instead focused on the feeling he was getting. His chest felt tight, his cock slowly coming to life under him as he licked up the trail that flowed down their leg.

He pulled back, hearts in his eyes as he pivoted on their stomach, facing them eye to eye. They looked confused, worried and a little disgusted but he didn't care... not when they were so intimately inside him. Their taste on his tongue, invading his mind and heart.

He couldn't help but sidle up their body, now sat on their lap as he ground down into them. His mouth hovered over their own, his hands going to steady their face as he leant into them. His lips covered their own as he breathed in their harrowed breaths, closer yet closer they became.

His stomach felt tight, after only a few tastes of them he was about to cum. Never before had he felt this way with anyone else, no one else could do this him but them. His spit intermingled with their own as he drew back to catch a breath, barely giving them time to react before he was on them again.

He felt high, his shitty day had been turned around the second they walked into the room. What had started in him spilling blood had ended in him getting even closer with them. With the one he loved.