#Fuck it y'all are getting colours then I guess.

[darkspace7]

[That Which Protects The Falling Rain] Pt.1

[A Sort of Synopsis, if you will]: Okay so the other day I was just faffing about and watching some videos discussing some of the Bleach Brave Soul character design choices as you do and then I got to thinking about how there were so few decently good fics featuring our good man Ishida and then that somehow led into wondering why there weren’t hardly any detailing the situations of how one would even come about to wear those alternate costumes in the first place and then that somehow devolved into contemplating time/dimension travel and fusion (as in literal fusion –not crossovers- although those are nice too…) fics and what-ifs involving rather creative semi-roll swaps and we all know that canon is basically just a suggestion at this point so anyway-

Here’s my-

“Through An Exceedingly Convoluted Series Of Events Spanning The Course Of About Roughly Two Weeks Uryū Ishida Gets Yeeted To An Alternate Timeline/Dimension Thing With An Imprint Of Ichigo Camping In His Soul As A Sort-Of Bastardized Zanpakutō And Now He Must Wage In Shadow Espionage Bullshit Because At This Point Aizen Is Still A Problem And Tipping Off The Quincy While Everyone’s Even Weaker Than The Timeline They Left Would Be Bad. (Also Having Two Instances Of The Almighty + Antithesis In The Same General Vicinity Is Apparently Bad For The Continued Existence Of Reality) And Somehow Not Potentially Fuck Everything Else Up Even Worse Than Last Time As Well As Try Not To Have A Complete Nervous Breakdown In The Mean Time.”

-AU…

But that’s kind of a mouthful so imma just call it [That Which Protects The Falling Rain] AU

So yeah…

As you can obviously tell from the prior blurb this is more or less canon divergent starting from the point that Ichigo got his powers back after the timeskip (which –in my completely honest opinion- was a bullshit arc anyway for a number of reasons that I refuse to go into at the moment) with the main kicker of it all being the things that happened with the whole Quincy ordeal went significantly worse off than in canon and basically a bad time was had by everyone.

[Unwind the World and Your Nightmare’s Gone]

Turns out that if you have a crumbling pillar that props up what is an already heavily destabilized world murked on top of everything else tends to accelerate the wholesale destruction of everything in existence. The first of this was quickly realized when Hueco Mundo, the Wandenreich, and the Soul Society all crashed and began to bleed into one another. This mockery of a union only served to further tip the scales to such an extreme that Hell itself –which at this point was still puttering along as the sole remaining pillar of reality- began to develop cracks in the framework before eventually just giving way entirely. And thus things started to bleed indiscriminately into the World of the Living.

Which, I don’t need to tell you, was bad news bears.

In the chaos and calamity people were dying in droves and –because the reincarnation cycle was wholly and utterly fucked- they were staying dead. The very few individuals that had been smart enough to dip when the water hit the wall or were (un)fortunate enough to dodge the first fires of the literal apocalypse managed to bunker down, sustaining themselves on the heavily overly-saturated reishi of the atmosphere as they waited for the inevitable end tailmarked on the hands of the three souls that still carried on. These three –the False King tainted with the spark of divinity, his Heir who sought to put an end to his reign, and the Hybrid who felled God Himself- who fought on even though everything and everyone they had once stood for having fallen ages before them; their hands grasping for that last pyrrhic victory because what else is there at this point?

But –much like the moon for which his blades were named- even the powers of god-slayers must wane and on the field of battle enemies will use any fault to their advantage. And so, with a decisive slice of the blade, the False King went Off With His Head and the prodigal son made his way back home like the rest of his children. But it was here that Yhwach, made a Mistake™.

For all that Ichigo Kurosaki was a hybrid of both Quincy and Soul Reaper, he was also part Hollow as well.

And Hollows are poisonous to Quincy.

But the imprudent ruler was past caring at this point -was confident he could weather the poisoning of his soul- that he just had to stop for a moment to allow the restless stubborn child to settle down and from there he could then adapt and adjust. But to do such a thing on a battlefield where there was still one other active combatant left (no matter how you have dismissed the other boy as being a non-threat at this point) was pure hubris in of itself.

Enter: Uryū Ishida.

Armed with a silver arrow crafted from the bodies of his kinsmen that he lifted from the corpse of his estranged father and the sheer and utter spite of someone who has seen every single last one of their friends and family be killed and subsequently has no more fucks to give decides in his exhausted state to pull an Ichigo and lets the fly.

It hits.

At long last, the Old King was dead.

But it wasn’t enough.

Because the being named Yhwach was a great number of things, however, unprepared was not one of them. Being able to see possibility after possibility was indeed a great boon when it came time to sketch out an action plan for such eventualities. Case in point, when faced with the surefire destruction of your own physical and spiritual being it is perhaps okay to latch on to and borrow another. And what better source than your treasonous Heir not a stone’s throw from where you currently were?

Long live the king.

Or so you thought bitch.

Turns out neither did the Quincy child nor the rebellious echo of the hybrid boy much care for his attempt at bodyjacking. So unanimously they decided to say –fuck that- and pull off their own sort of deus ex machina using Uryū’s Shrift in conjunction with Ichigo’s kind of admittedly bullshit hybridity powers to throw a wrench in things and swap the Fate of not only himself the other late teen’s echo as well so that in the end it was Ywhach who would be the one subsumed.

And by some fucking miracle, it worked.

They successfully managed to topple the Quincy King from his position to allow for Uryū to then supplant himself on the vacant throne as the King as the remainder of Ichigo’s unique spiritual signature securely subsumed the rest of Yhwach’s essence and then somehow used it to stabilize the burgeoning fuckery that was now his (and apparently Ishida’s???) soul.

Long live the King (and his new and only somewhat unwilling headmate) indeed.

Just in time for reality to start falling apart.

With the weight of the final battle having finally given way to bone-deep exhaustion he –(or, rather, was it they now? Truth be told, neither boy was entirely sure what to make of their current situation and the sheer number of existential issues that simply arose from their paradoxical state of being. But then again that sort of thing wasn’t exactly a new thing when it came to his whole impossible existence now was it? Hell, he’d had so many ‘impossibles’ tossed at him that at this point the very word was starting to lose all meaning, honestly. And this current bit of what-the-fuckery was just another layer to the botched clusterfuck of a cake now wasn’t it? ‘…Good god Kurosaki do you think you could save your little existential crisis for later? Neither of us have the energy for it and I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’m pretty sure that at least one of us currently has a fucking concussion.’ No, fuck you man, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but the world’s fucking ending. This is a good as time as any, man. ‘I just want somewhere we can get a chance to rest.’)- leveraged their worn body up on unstable legs in search of an unbroken spot where they could do just that.

Sometime along the way he had noted the larger of the orange-haired hybrid’s blades among the debris and stopped to examine it. (Or rather, having sensed the echo of their wielder contained within, it had lowered itself to allow him a chance to look upon its glory. At least, that was the impression that it seemed to be giving off anyway. Yeah, like a pair of stray cats you rescued from out behind the dumpster on trash day, his Zangetsu was. But even to the end they tried to help in their own way… ‘‘Slaying Moon’ huh? What an apt name for such a blade.’ Blades. There’s two of them. Ah, that was right. But if so then where…?)

Even now, their wicked sharp edge gleamed obsidian in the light as he subconsciously let the blade rest behind in the crook of his back. Feeling the small clasp as sword seemed to latch onto his presence as if magnetic. Readjusting his glasses he glanced around and let out a soft noise when their eyes alit upon their prize.

(He did not look at the body sprawled out upon the ground as they knelt down and gently pried the shorter blade from stiff fingers. He did not look at the severed head with too blank eyes as he slid the other half of his blade carefully into the waistband of his belt.He did not look at his own corpse resting at his feet-)

He stood.

Continuing on, he trudged along aimlessly, stumbling from wreck to wreck in an attempt to avoid the ever encroaching void that slowly but surely ate at what was left of their worlds. (They decidedly ignored the shadows that lapped at their feet. The way they danced inexplicably without a clear source of light. Twisting and writhing along the rolling dark as if they were but a thousand –familiar- eyes held back behind closed lids –theirshisoursmine- as they waited there. Dreaming.)

He stumbled.

They walked on until eventually they happened upon a surprisingly stable section of what appeared the Royal Realm and what was even more astonishing was the fact that out of everyone who could’ve somehow managed to dodge the apocalypse they had the misfortune to run into Aizen of all people. And it seemed that the ex-captain was just as enthused to see them.

(Wow, yeah, no. Not surprised that you survived because you’re pretty much a damned cockroach at this point. But I am genuinely kind of surprised that you decided to stick around instead of –I don’t know- having the good sense to bail when everything started going to shit? You’d think he would. Like, scurry away to lick the wounds and that sort of shit, right? ‘Right, absolutely riveting commentary Kurosaki. Such a shame that I’m the only one who’s forced to listen to it.’ Grimace. Urgh what god did I piss off to get stuck with you assholes? ‘Probably the two we just killed.’…Ah. Right.)

“Hm, that’s certainly a pleasant expression.”

(…I wanna kick his fucking ass. ‘What? No!’ Just a single boot shoved right in his smug bondage-wrapped face. ‘No.’)

Thoroughly exasperated and just utterly done with everything and everyone at this point Uryū decided this was as good as they were going to get and sort of collapsed at the foot of the broken throne with an undignified grunt, shifting the massive knife from his back to a more comfortable spot upon his lap as to allow himself to prop their body up against a slab of rubble. The youth let out a groaning-sigh.

Aizen –having meandered over to join him- watched with a keen interest.

(The subtle shade of black bleeding into the much younger man’s sclera, the downright monstrous inferno of tainted Quincy-Reaper-Hollow reiatsu coupled with the unnatural way that the writhing shadows almost seemed to linger protectively around the bloodied child before him, and while truthfully he was rather near-sighted ((destroying his last pair of glasses in a spur of dramatic theatricality had genuinely been one of his sole regrets, especially considering later when it became wholly apparent that the hōgokyu refused to let itself be used for something as banal as correcting one’s eyesight)) he’d have to have been blinder than Kaname to miss the ease at which the other had hefted that particular blade around. Also, the singular horn was kind of conspicuous and worthy enough for him to lift a brow.)

“Your feats never cease to push the realm of possibility, why I’m honestly starting to think you don’t know the meaning of the word Kurosaki.” He watched with sharp eyes, observing how even the shadows surrounding the youth seemed to freeze. Fascinating. “Or perhaps you would prefer some other form of address more suited to the body you’re currently occupying?” A dark eye crinkled with wry amusement, “Maybe even something more befitting to that of royalty?”

 (He’s not going to let this go is he? ‘Ugh, no.’ …Fuck it.)

And so the one-who-was-once-many resigned themself to a litany of awkward conversation as they waited for the world to end.

And what a back and forth it was. Some of the more notable highlights included: In depth discussions on one’s particular choice of eyewear – {“So, wait, hold on. You’re saying you actually needed those glasses and that the whole debacle with the Winter War you were essentially fighting half-blind the whole time?!”

“In the barest sense of the term, yes. Why do you seem so surprised? Did you perhaps forget that one of my compatriots was blind? It is a perfectly reasonable method to use one’s spiritual sense as a sort of complement to innate abilities during combat, as I am sure that one of your newer parts is undoubtedly already aware.”

“…Newer parts?”

“The misguided Quincy child that you once called your comrade and presumably the original owner of the patchwork monstrosity that you now call a form.”

(‘…Okay, yes, while losing your glasses during a fight does fucking suck I’m far-sighted and also mainly focused on archery so it’s not so bad but “patchwork monstrosity?” Rude, much?’)

“My, what a frightening expression.”

They flipped him off.}

–To the eventual reluctant admittance of what had occurred during their final battle versus the late Quincy King-

{it was in general agreement that the whole thing was a collective load of bullshit, however Aizen did find some note of ironic humour in the new fusion’s predicament much to said being’s annoyance.}

–To why the traitorous ex-captain was even there in the first place-

{“And where exactly would you have intended me to have gone, hm?” The man gestured broadly at the wanton destruction that surrounded them.

“Should I have squirrelled myself away like the scarce few remaining beings that tried to do so before everything fell to ruin? Don’t make me laugh. Why, I would even dare to say those poor unfortunate souls have been all but eliminated when the world pillars sang their swan song and even if they managed to survive that don’t you think the void would have consumed them much like everything else at this point?” Sōsuke leveled a dry look, letting his head fall back against the remains of a broken pillar wearily.

“So I figured this was as good as a time as any to try my hand at usurping the throne, you know, seeing as the current Soul King was indisposed.” A flicker of genuine consternation flashed across the man’s face. “But, it seems that crossing into the realm of transcendence is still not enough just so long as you’re still missing a fundamental piece of the equation.”

“Wow. So even after going through all of that you still weren’t –what- Quincy enough to take the crown? Heh, sucks to be you I guess. Wh-hey! We already have a concussion you didn’t have to throw a rock at me you ass.” With a huff, they rubbed at the new welt on their head. “Geez…”

“But seriously, I can’t believe with all that bullshit you pulled trying to get the magic death marble to make you god it couldn’t even manage it in the end.” As the hand dropped to the blade in their lap, they gave a faint scowl and then turned to face the other. “And really, what’d it even matter at this point? Figure we could use it to prop up reality –or at least what’s left of it anyway- and keep it from imploding or something?”

Aizen let out a somewhat undignified snort, “The Quincy have finally brought around your inclinations of royalty, I see. You’ve even started using the royal we. But yeah, sure, why not. Go ahead and take a stab at being the Soul King for a bit, I mean I’d say you can’t possibly be worse that what’s going on right now but somehow I think you would manage it just to spite me.”

The young being let out a snort of his own as they rolled with the bit, “No, we’d totally be an awesome Soul King. Way better than the last one and Not Unstable At All. Heck, we wouldn’t even abuse whatever the bullshit powers we had on top of everything else so we could –I don’t know- turn back time and fucking unmurder everyone. Oh! While we’re at it why don’t we try taking a crack completely unknotting that clusterfuck you guys call a politics around here. Because, honestly? Responding to every new thing that shows up on your doorstep with ‘treat it like shit’ and/or ‘try to kill it with extreme prejudice’ tends to piss people off and is probably why y’all had so many enemies.”

They nodded, sarcasm just oozing from their tone. “Yeah, all of that would be just so fun. Don’t you think?”}

Who could have foreseen that such a benignly one-off comment could have could spurred such further chaos?

(Well they probably could have. But –in their defence- they weren’t exactly firing on all cylinders at the time; what with the existential fuckery that they were still coming to terms with alongside the previously mentioned concussion that made it so when Aizen ((who had went suspiciously quiet after his little haha-funny-but-not-really joke)) proceeded to pitch the Idea™ to them it didn’t really seem to tack on as being anything worse than what the apocalypse that they were already were going through was.

But as now they found themselves trying not to squirm with a hand splayed awkwardly over the violet gem embedded in the other man’s bare chest as the other looked on with what seemed to be deep-set amusement they could not help but think to themselves: they really should’ve known better.)

(‘This is so stupid.’ There’s no way this would ever work-) Astonishingly, the gem beneath their hand began to glow.

(…Are you kidding me?)

“Huh, it seems like the hōgokyu was actually able to grant my wish after all.” The other murmured, ripping the fusion’s attention away from the entrancing glow only for them to watch as the man before them slowly began to crumble to dust before their very eyes.  “Rather roundabout way of doing it though, if you ask me.” Sōsuke snorted, dark eye flicking up to meet the other’s disbelief. “Listen well Ichigo Kurosaki and Uryū Ishida, this will be the last time we meet one another as things are. Don’t squander the opportunity you’ve been given as it’s highly unlikely you will get another one.”

“…Understood.”

“Good.” The other seemed…actually kind of relieved? That was all they had time to think before his body was gone and it was their fingers clutched around the hōgokyu as it then took their wish (to fix this oh god don’t you dare drop something like this on us and then leave us aloneyou utter bastardplease I don’t want to be the last one left after everything I don’t want to be aloneand just like that there went another person that he failed to protect just like everyone elseplease I just want to fix this make it like it never happened!) and moulded it and then unwound the world from its crumbling spool, unwound them, unmade him and now he-

-Was-

F

 a

  l

   l

    i

     n

      g

but only for an instant before world reformed around himself and he was forcefully slammed into (his/their/whose?) body.

He blacked out.

[storiesofsvu]

Once

Prosecutor!Hotch x reader warnings: language, teasing, semi public sex, smut. This might be my last one shot for a while, I'm likely going to be working on one shots in tandem with the series I want to wrap up, but only be posting the series for a while. This plan is so that when I eventually get back to work (cause yes, we shut down again and the job I was *guaranteed* to have over the break was pulled out from under me at 2am the day we closed by the same ppl who promised it to me...) i have a lot of stuff finished to queue so y'all aren't empty handed lol. Like Hotch and don't want to miss out?! Sign up for the taglist here! Enjoy what you're reading or want to prioritize a request? But me a ko-fi! 🩵🫶🏻

Aaron had been eyeing you up since you’d refused his plea deal back at the precinct, then again, he’d been eyeing you up for what felt like years already. He found it incredibly hard not to, you were always well dressed, clothes fitted, likely designer and tailored perfectly for you, never a hair out of place, your lips coated in a shade that complimented your skin perfectly and made him want to kiss you until he felt drunk. He had yet to win a case against you and shamefully felt like his attraction towards you was more or less the reason, constantly distracted while you did your crosses, feeling admiration at the way you spoke, wrapping the jury around your perfectly manicured finger rather than annoyed that you were swaying them against his client. His eyes raking up your form, trying not to linger to much on your curves perfectly accented by your skirt suits, feeling the rush of adrenaline when you’d suddenly turn back to the gallery, nearly catching his eye before cocking a brow or sending him a smirk, a sure fire sign that you knew you were about to win.

The lingering glances went both ways of course, you happened to be just that much more subtle about it, your eyes on Hotch while your ears were still vehemently listening to his questioning, ready to object whenever you could. You were able to play it off easier than he was, barely giving him a glance before you would redirect the witness and be whisking past him to the stand, a whiff of your perfume enough to intoxicate him for a moment.

It wasn’t a flirtation, it wasn’t a trend of ‘will they, won’t they’ it was rather a game of cat and mouse. Who was going to give in, who was going to be the victor and rightfully claim their prize, though it was a constant guessing game between the two of you of who was the predator and who was the prey. You flaunted yourself more often than he did, clothing in rich colours, pulling focus in the court room, designer heels that brought you up closer to his eyeline, shiny pieces of jewelry placed in just the right spots to have him glancing where he wouldn’t otherwise. Aaron rarely even opted for a colourful tie, leaving practically everything to your imagination, which honestly, you weren’t complaining about.

But it wasn’t just about the over the top professional and shark like performances in the courtroom that drew you to each other. It was the more candid and intimate moments when he would show up at your office to drop off a warrant or barter through an offer. Catching you halfway through lunch, your blazer off, exposing more skin, the curve of your breast peeking out over the top of your blouse when you bent over your desk to grab something. The more casual way you spoke, the way you insulted your client, agreeing that they were an idiot, the way the word ‘fuck’ rolled off your tongue so perfectly he wished he could hear you moaning it.

The judge called for lunch and Aaron felt like he could barely keep up with your stiletto powered steps in the hallway as you sauntered towards the elevator. Quips and teasing jabs were volleyed back and forth as the stern tone of the courtroom dissipated and a playful nature took over between the two of you. Aaron’s large hand, warm and strong was suddenly on your waist, guiding you out of the way of incoming foot traffic and it practically electrified your senses. Your hand wrapped around his wrist, nails tickling his skin and he felt himself twitch in his pants, suddenly intoxicated by the smell of your shampoo as your head whipped around to look at him.

Neither of you were entirely sure how you’d ended up behind the locked door of a spare witness prep room, but you weren’t going to complain about the way Aaron had you pinned up against the wall as he kissed you. There was a fire behind it, deep and passionate as you battled for dominance, one of his hands on your hips, pressing you harder into the wall while the other one tangled into your hair. Your hands looped over his shoulders, nails scratching at his scalp while you tried to resist the urge to wrap your legs around his waist. You nipped at his lower lip and he retaliated by slipping his tongue into your mouth, commanding the kiss, his hand cupping your cheek, holding you directly where he wanted as his hips rolled against yours, pressing his growing hard on into you. You couldn’t help the moan you let out into the kiss, your tongue moving with grace right along Aaron’s, his free hand crept up your body, palming at your chest and you broke the kiss with a gasp. He took full advantage, mouth moving across your jaw until he was peppering kisses down the side of your neck and your hands were tugging at your blazer, dropping it to the floor once it was off your body.

“This is a one time thing!” You panted, hands clawing at his back as his teeth sunk into your neck, his head nodding ever so slightly when his tongue lapped out to soothe the burn of the bite. You felt the tingle burn its way through you, starting from where his mouth was on you, working down you body to where he was pawing at your chest, all the way to in between your legs where it burst into flame.

“Now why would you say that?” He muttered, a devilish smile on his kiss swollen lips and a dark gleam in eyes and you huffed, grabbing his wrist to direct his hands back to your body.

“Oh just shut up and stop being a tease.” You growled and he laughed.

“Yes Counselor.”

Aaron ducked his head once again, but this time to the other side of your neck, leaving a trail of messy kisses up it until he reached your lips again, swallowing down your moans and whimpers. Your leg wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer to you so you could roll your hips, your panties dampening with each time your cunt brushed at his clothed cock. He let out a small groan, his cock throbbing in his pants at just the thought of being buried deep inside you. His hands found the hem of your skirt, bunching it up around your waist before one of them sunk between your legs, palming at you through the flimsy fabric of your underwear. He moaned against your lips, the heel of his hand rubbing at your clit while his fingers gently massaged your pussy, your hips jolted toward the touch, a whine escaping your lips before you nipped at his.

A smirk broke out on his lips at your neediness and he nudged your panties to the side, fingers running through your folds, collecting your wetness before rubbing at your clit. You broke the kiss with a gasp, your forehead resting on his as you panted, whimpers and quiet moans coming from your lips.

“Please…” you murmured, your eyes fluttering shut at the way he was toying with you and he swiftly slid two fingers into your pussy, letting out a groan as he did so.

“Fuck sweetheart.” He cooed, “you’re so wet.” His fingers began lazily pumping, the heel of his hand still brushing over your swollen clit with each thrust.

“What did I say about teasing?” You grumbled, a hand sinking between your bodies to palm at his cock through his pants and he let out a hiss, his fingers curling inside you. Your breath caught in your throat, hips grinding down into his touch.

“Have to warm you up honey…” he groaned softly, rocking his hips into your hand, “don’t want to hurt you.”

You could only manage a noncoherent string of words, muffled by his shoulder as your head fell forward when his fingers curled inside you again, hitting your g-spot on the first try. Your pussy began to flutter around him as he scissored and curled his fingers, your juices leaking down his wrist. His free hand began to paw at the neckline of your shirt, pulling it down just enough to pull your tits out and his mouth wrapped around one of your nipples, sucking it into his mouth and you let out a moan, your head falling back onto the wall behind you. The hand Aaron had inside you picked up the pace, thrusting deeper into you, wet sounds from your pussy accompanying your quiet moans while your thighs trembled. Your hands shot to his belt, quickly undoing it in order to actually get into his pants and he groaned against your skin when your hand rubbed at his cock through his briefs, the leaking beads of pre-cum smearing against the fabric. Your fingers slid into the waistband of his briefs, shoving them and his pants down just enough for his cock to spring free and his teeth sunk into the curve of your chest as the cool air sent a shiver of pleasure through his body.

“This feels dirty.” You muttered, palming at his length and he chuckled, finally pulling away from your chest as his fingers continued to stretch you out. A piece of his normally styled hair fell forward over his forehead as he glanced down at you with dark eyes, his breath hot on your lips when he spoke.

“That’s because it is.”

“Then hurry up and fuck me already.” You groaned, your body jolting as he curled his fingers once more before pulling them out of your cunt and you let out a whine, grabbing his wrist to suck his fingers into your mouth, tongue lapping around them to get all your juices off.

“Fuck..” Aaron felt any coherent thought leave his brain as his cock throbbed, your eyes not leaving his until your lips parted with a gasp and you let his fingers drop from your mouth and he was able to surge forward, capturing you in a kiss, tongue diving into your mouth in an attempt to taste you. “I don’t have a condom.” He murmured against your lips and your leg wound around his waist again, grinding your pussy against his pulsing cock.

“I don’t fucking care.”

That was all he needed to wrap a hand around his cock, lining it up with your soaked pussy before thrusting forward and sinking fully into you. Your legs eagerly wrapped around his waist as he shoved you into the wall, hips meeting yours as his head buried into the crook of your neck, your cunt already fluttering around him.

“Fuck…” The swear was mutual, you’d never felt so full and stretched out as you were around him, his cock reaching deeper inside you than you’d ever imagined. You were so wet, so warm, Aaron felt like he could combust in that exact moment, but he knew he wanted to feel you for so much longer.

Reluctantly, he pulled out until just the tip was still wrapped in your pussy and set a steady pace fucking you against the wall, knowing neither of you really had that much time. Your whimpers and moans right in his ear were more than enough to drive him wild, picking up the pace, feeling the way your cunt was squeezing around him with each thrust. Your hands clawed at his back, one wrapping around the back of his head, fingers threading through his previously perfectly styled hair. Your lips latched onto the side of his neck directly below his ear, the only visible spot of skin in that area, leaving sticky kisses. In any other moment he’d be worried about the shade of your lipstick transferring to his collar but right now all he could think about was how your pussy felt wrapped around him.

Each thrust of Aaron’s hips you could feel every ridge and vein of his cock dragging over your walls, every time you squeezed around him you could feel him twitch inside you and it drove you wild. He started to grope at your chest again and your head fell back against the wall, thighs trembling around his waist.

“Fuck that feels good.” You murmured, and he fucked into you harder, his hips snapping into yours and you nearly let out a yelp.

“Quiet pretty girl.” He panted, his hand quickly clapping over your mouth, “can’t have anyone know what we’re up to.”

You nodded the best you could, your moans and whines now muffled by his large hand, your breath hot on his fingers. The sensation made his dick twitch inside you, a low swear on his breath when your lips began to kiss at his hand, your tongue surging out, wrapping around one of the digits and pulling it into your mouth. Aaron knew he wasn’t going to last very long with the way you were sucking on his fingers, your moans muffled around them while he fucked deeper into you, his cock absolutely throbbing while your thighs gripped around his waist tighter. His free hand sunk between your bodies, finding your clit and beginning to rub, your teeth scraped against his fingers when he increased the pressure, matching the speed of his thrusts.

Your pussy clenched down around his cock, juices smearing around him with each pass of his fingers and your head dropped against the wall again. Pleasure was shooting through you and if it wasn’t for his hand covering your mouth you were certain the entire floor would know exactly what you were up to. Aaron had you seeing stars already, your body shivering between his and the wall before he nipped at your earlobe,

“Gonna need you to come for me gorgeous.” He panted, his brow slick with sweat, doing his best to hold back his own orgasm until he’d made you come around his cock.

“Fuck!” It came out the best it could under his hand while your body convulsed, thighs gripping incredibly tight around his waist as your back arched off the wall, pussy pulsing around his cock.

Aaron fucked you through you orgasm, slowing the pace of his hips until you were no longer shaking in his arms and one of your legs dropped from around his waist and you started to relax against the wall. A second later and he was slipping out of you, spinning you in his arms to bend you over the table in the center of the room.

A moan broke free from the back of your throat as he re-entered you, his cock a throbbing mess, coated in your cum as he began to chase his own orgasm. A hand tangled into your hair, pulling you up off the table and flush to his chest.

“God you feel so good.” He grunted and you chuckled softly.

“Yeah?” You asked, head turning back to husk into his ear, “you like that Hotchner? The way your thick cock feels buried deep in my wet pussy?” You squeezed as hard as you could around him and he let out a hiss.

“Fuck.” The hand in your hair tightened, “do that again and I’m gonna come.”

“Yeah?” You purred, squeezing your cunt around him once more, holding it for longer as you felt him beginning to pulse inside you, “come for me Aaron, fill my pretty pussy up with your cum.”

“Shit!” His hips faltered against yours as his grip on you loosened and you barely caught yourself on the table as he pounded the last couple of thrusts into you before he let out a low groan, stilling against you.

A very satisfied sigh left your lips at the feeling of his cock twitching inside of you while his cum painted your walls. Aaron was careful, catching his breath as he squeezed at the base of his dick, making sure every last drop of cum was buried deep in your cunt before he slowly slipped out. Part of him was tempted to see if any of it dripped down your thighs, but he was starting to come back to his senses, tucking your panties back into place, pressing them against your swollen pussy lips to catch all of his release.

“You alright?” He asked, his hand soothing up your back, readjusting your skirt before he tucked himself back into his pants.

“Never better.” You replied with a sigh, pushing yourself back upright. Confident you were no longer on shaky legs you stepped over to the mirror, tugging your shirt back into place, fixing your hair and slightly smeared lipstick.

“Here.” Aaron handed you a paper cup of water from the water cooler and you chuckled.

“Such a gentleman.” You teased, taking a sip before reaching up, fixing his mussed up hair and wiping the remnants of your lipstick from his collar. You were about to tease him again when your phone pinged a couple of times and you pulled it out from your bag, “jury’s back. Guess now we’ll find out who really came out on top.”

Shooting him a wink you were gone from the room before he even managed to fully collect himself and his thoughts, slipping back into the courtroom and behind his respective table just in time. Somehow, he wasn’t surprised twenty minutes later when the jury came back fully in favour of you and you were looking over at him with a cocky smirk as everyone packed their things up.

“Well,” he stepped to your side of the room once you were up, “congratulations counselor.” He stuck his hand out for you to shake and you took it after a small laugh, “can I buy you a celebratory drink?”

“Oh Hotchner.” You chuckled, stepping closer to him, “you know the general guideline is that you’re supposed to buy the drink prior to when your cum is dripping out of my cunt.”

“So is that a yes?”

“I seem to remember telling you that was a one time thing.”

Part 2

____________

@svushots @geekyandgay98 @onmykneesformarvel @emobabeyy @daddy-heather-dunbar @mrs-ssa-hotch @hotchandspencearedilfs @mina2000alex @telepathay @darlingsfandom @ssamorganhotchner @hotchsdoormat @hopedoesntknow @thehauntingofbasingse @plaidbooks @niyizh @tommyriddleobsessed @supercriminalbean @hotchs-bitch @kmc1989 @irishavengersassemble @emlynblack @ivyflowers13 @ratsnestinmyhair @silversprings-mp3 @ssaaaronhotchnerr @itsrainingreid @speedynana @tgskitten @madamsnape921 @aaronandemilysbitch @mrs-ssa-hotch @nachofriess @khxna @tinyprettyangel @cx-emerald-cx x @momily @acctualdeemon @ch3rry-pops @moonlightjxuregui @int4n @hotchfiles

[boysluts]

Sanji is quite the talker, isn't he?

..intentional, or not, you can't help but find how amusing it is overhearing him rant about how perfect women are.

Amusing as it is, it makes you wonder if he'd be into a boy, A boy like you anyway.. Unlike sanji you're not very talkative you're rather shy around most, you're excellent in battle, of course

You're extremely knowledgeable like Robin too, so.. that's cool..you guess..

You're also a very talented dancer, if you don't say so yourself!

All these things you may be, but none of them are what you're wanting to be.

It's stupid, and hopeless you think.

Is there any reason you should be chasing a man that is most definitely straight? What will you benefit from loitering around and getting your heart broken?

What the fuck. Love is so hard, it's so confusing, it's annoying.

It's pointless, he doesn't know you, you'd be surprised if he'd know your favourite colour.

Which would be a shocker anyway, seeing as he has no need to study you as you do him.

Fuck him.

Fuck his adoring personality.

Fuck his godforsaken body.

Fuck his pretty face.

..You'd definitely fuck him...

Sometimes you wonder how much of a manic idiot you look to robin, groping your hair out of your skull and silent screaming..probably RIDICULOUS.

Vinsmoke Sanji, Fuck you. Stupid lover boy.

....

What you don't know, or notice because your a hopeless romantic, is that Sanji is often times watching over you.

Any sudden movement you make his eyes follow

..just..to....make sure you don't hurt yourself! Because why else would he be staring at you? Hahahahah.. he doesn't swing that way..

He doesn't swing that way, but he does as a matter of fact know your favourite colour.

He doesn't swing that way, but he adores the pink tint that appears on your cheeks when he slings his arm over your shoulder.. or looks into your eyes while he expresses his interest in a new recipe he's found..

He doesn't swing that way, but, why can't he stop thinking of you?

He doesn't swing that way, but why can't he fight the fact he DOES want you? And not just in a friend's way..

Vinsmoke Sanji that stupid lover boy, He doesn't swing that way, but he would definitely fuck you too.

☆

I'm sorry this is like.. so dookie, but I'm so bored & no one really requests anything so I've just gotta scorch things up from somewhere.. over the rainbow! I'm glad people actually come to enjoy the few things I've posted . . . And y'all shouldn't be afraid of requesting things.. though, I do understand, I don't even post allat much (I NEED IDEAS PLEASE FEED ME 🙁🙁)

Anyway! Have a good day, evening afternoon or night wherever you are! — and thank you from stumbling across this blog ♡

[eluxcastar]

This is so silly: Fatui Harbingers receiving a bouquet of flowers from their shy s/o?

Harbingers receiving a gift from their s/o

── ୨୧：harbingers x reader

୨୧﹑synopsis :: it's exactly what's written on the tin but with a side of me being off my head again

୨୧﹑content :: gn reader

୨୧﹑words :: 950

I'm so in love with the requests that let me answer them like a crackhead. but also I'm so sorry to the anons who want me to be serious I've just got the sillies. I spent the entire time calling it a pot until I realised the thing I was actually referring to is a vase and had to go back and change it all

if you're wondering where the shy part went, it was lost to this phenomenon called "I can't read" and by the time I realised it said that I was already done. I feel like this is the second time it's happened.

Alright usual order Tartaglia first. I'll be honest; I have no clue. Like, I literally left his here just saying, "Alright usual order", because what the FUCK would he do. He doesn't seem like a flower person, but also it being his s/o changes that so much because his s/o might make him a flower person. You could guess his favourite colour is yellow and suddenly it's yellow because he's so normal for you. He didn't even like flowers, but omg, you got him flowers. These are his new favourite flowers ever kinda thing.

Next is Arlecchino (more food is coming I promise), and tbh, I feel like she'd enjoy receiving flowers. It's not an overly flashy gift, and it probably took a lot for you to go out of your way to get that for her, let alone give it to her. She appreciates that you would get her a gift at all because receiving gifts feels nice sometimes. You can have a kiss for your flowers.

Third would be Pantalone, whose I kinda answered. Flowers are a gift, and honestly, I love the idea that as long as the gifts have sentimental value, that's what he'll treasure the most. He's gonna display those in his nicest vase for people to see. Why would you be nervous about that? The thought of what people think of them? No need. Nobody critiques his decor and means it. They know better.

La Signora would appreciate them, but they gotta be nice, yk? And like, you've gotta pay attention. There's no point if you just get whatever's available. Does she like those kinds of flowers? Do they smell nice? Compliment their surroundings? It's in the details that say you care because, to her, it means you were paying enough attention to consider it for what is a very standard gift for many people.

I did Scara then realised I forgot Sandrone omg anyway flowers, she would love those in her own silly little way. They're nice, and it's so cute that you went to the effort that she might just smile at you. She's 100% gonna keep those to herself and just stare at them for a while because someone got her a gift (this basically never happens) (if it did who the fuck are they?? unimportant 🙄)

Aight we got Scaradouche. Firstly no way this man is going to let you immediately know you got him a gift he likes. Flowers? That's such a girly present to give someone 🙄🙄 (They'll be in a pot on his dresser within the hour). He wouldn't usually want flowers, but since you already went and got them, he'll just have to. Just a little, I think he'd be losing it on the inside, kinda like when someone says they're so normal about something, and you know they're fucking lying. Like that

I totally missed Pulcinella last time, so he can get some flowers now. Honestly, I can see why I forgot him. I probably intended to do him but didn't have an idea and was like, "I'll come back to it", then got hit with this thing called filthy liar syndrome. Old people like flowers so he'd be happy with that, something nice to add some colour to a room or something Idk I'm not old (I'M SORRY I'LL BE SERIOUS). Some of you have no grandfather OR father you just like me fr so I'll throw in for y'all that he'd be proud of you for picking out such a nice gift and acquiring it of your own accord (which you are capable of) because it must've been difficult to get past the initial conversation starter problem.

Already off that train, we're finally at Capitano. I can't say for sure cause he has two lines but tbh, he seems like he'd like it. You can have a nice pat on the head and everything cause aww you went to all that effort just for him? That deserves a nice cuddle ❤️

Columbina thinks of it like anything else you do, more confused as to what the occasion is than anything and not very sure what provoked you to do this, but she accepts it and thanks you nonetheless because she still does like it. She just also wants to know what you're doing and why, but she's satisfied with the answer that you just wanted to and cuts you off before the apologies if she doesn't like it.

What the fuck did you get Dottore flowers for?? Like, what would he do with them?? That's awkward. He'll take them off your hands, but after that, he kinda just 🧍 because what else does he do? He can look at them and sit them somewhere, but like they have no purpose. The effort is nice. He probably doesn't want these again tho unless he can use them for something. You'll get a thanks, but like he's kinda bad at hiding that he's got no idea what to do with it. Get him some flowers that are useful rather than decorative maybe?

We are at Pierro, and I think it's a bit of a mix. On the surface, he may seem like he doesn't want them and only accepts them to save your feelings but secretly treasures them ❤️ I like the idea of him being sentimental toward his s/o because something about it is just cute. It also matches the vibe, like, he's got a very closed-off exterior that you are used to that's meant to hide that adorable and undeniably vulnerable interior that really, really loves you and all of the things you do for him.

[nxathyx]

"oh, that's my cousin"

Gn! Reader x Dazai Osamu, Gn! Reader x Chuuya Nakahara, Gn! Reader x Fyodor Dostoyevski, Gn! Reader x Nikolai Gogol, Gn! Reader x Sigma I legit should've stopped writing this after Chuuya and Dazai💀

Hi hello so I thought it'd be fun to write about a reader who has a really good friendship with their cousin (cause I have to good relationship with my one and I like throwing insults around)

So um here's a few examples of how readers relationship with their cousin looks (through texts, yes these are all my chats with my cousin on messenger)

something like this :)

C/n - cousin name

Tws: swearing, insulting, family dramas😻😻 my lack of motivation and my terrible sense of humour (I feel bad for you if you end up enjoying this one..)

Dazai Osamu

°Bro he lives for your and your cousins energy like holy fuck

°if he ever meets your cousin he'd definetly get along with them like oml

°loves reading your banters or listening to it

°if y'all beat each other up he'll purposefully cheer her on and not you (rude ass bitch)

° once you were texting your cousin like "bestie, I think he's a green flag"

"bitch that is redder than the colour red itself what are you on💀💀"

°has definetly texted your cousin before

°they're great friends, but at first your cousin was really skeptical

°if you, your cousin and Dazai were to work at the agency

° rip Kunikida holy shit

° THE FAMILY DRAMA YOU TELL HIM

°he's in heaven (probably hell but yk)

° put your cousin on speaker when you'll gossiping and he's sat there with his wine just like 🤭😮😃

Anyways let's move onto how he found out about this bond of yours

You informed your boyfriend you were going to go take a bath, walking into the bathroom with a fresh pijama, your undergarments and a towel. You took your time in the bath just relaxing, cleaning your body, washing your hair, maybe doing a little spa day for yourself. Whatever it is you were doing, however while you were having the time of your life, Dazai was reading a book, until he got rudely interrupted by your phone ringing.. "failed abortion" (or whatever you have your cousins name written down as) 'what the fuck..' he didn't pick up, just ignored it before texts kept popping up "BESTIE PICK THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH DONT DO THIS TO ME RIGHT NOW YOU WHORE" huh... 'well that's not too pleasant' he thought in a sarcastic mindset, giggling slightly as the messages kept flooding your phone. Soon enough Dazai had the fantastic idea of texting back "ayo y/ns bathing right now" "idgaf tell that cunt to hurry her ass up cause i got some tea" he chuckled slightly, being quite curious what was so urgent, before knocking on the bathroom door.

"hey, dear. Someone called failed abortion keeps calling and texting you" although you couldn't see his face you just knew he had that stupid grin on his face, however given your curious nature, you cut your shower short.

Shortly after you were in your pyjamas, laying in bed with your back against the pillows as Dazai layed his face on your stomach, as his eyes were looking up at you with what almost seemed like a gleam, it was undeniable how much he loved you and how attracted to you he was, his fingers were gently running shapes and letters on your clothed skin, as you were typing profusely whilst giggling.

"hm? What's so funny?"

"just some family drama, nothing really important"

"so this failed abortion is a family member?"

You zoned out slightly whilst texting, before replying a few seconds later.

"yeah, sorry I zoned out"

"and who might this be, Donna?"

"That's my cousin"

He chuckled slightly before nodding a bit and sighing contently as he tried to bury his face into you tummy even more.

"you have quite the interesting dynamic with them"

"yeah, I guess so"

"im glad you keep in contact with at least someone in your family" he said with a light smile, before closing his eyes and just enjoying your giggles and the way your fingers and nails were hitting against the phone screen, already predicting how butchered the English is by your fast typing smiling a bit more at the times he just saw you communicating through texts with "ZDUHEZJHENHZ" "whst?" and other words that were completely written incorrectly.

Chuuya Nakahara

° Bro is confused

° if your cousins contact name is "failed abortion" or "mistake" or just something similar he legit thought you had a child for a second

"so uh.. Honey? Mind explaining when you had a failed abortion?"

°once he finds out its just your cousin he'd feel stupid (comfort him besties pls he needs it)

°he's so fucking tired and then out of nowhere this random ass bitch is calling you, spamming you with voice messages, photos, videos and piling up missed video calls and voice calls like bros about to destroy that fucking phone

°legit thought you were getting sent actual threats by how many insults he saw

°this fucker tried so hard to impress your cousin so they'll like him (he really wants your family to be fond of him)

°and then he just listens to you two gossiping being like 😰

"The fuck is wrong with this family😭😭"

°man's started stealing the Insults from you and your cousin

°if they get close and your cousin is younger y'all end up being like parents

"mama i papa" (idfk how that tiktok sound went)

°if you're also protective of your cousin he finds that so admirable and attractive like holy shit "hey mamas😍😍" (kms)

First meeting went interestingly.

You were sat next to Chuuya, and your cousin was sat on the opposite side of the table, at first it was awkward, no one really wanted to speak, until you started telling Chuuya something that your aunt used to do, when you and your cousin were younger, earning an appropriate reaction from him to the information you just shared, and that soon developed into you and your cousin just talking shit about your entire family to him (especially their younger sibling or your other cousin)

(Bro was flabbergasted)

"she actually used to do that..?"

Earning a small nod from you and your cousin as well as a few giggles that were muffled by your hands covering your mouths

Whenever you and your cousin were just calling each other the most gut wrenching names he was so confused, slightly amazed, intrigued and worried as hell, but more than anything he was glad you had such a close bond with someone that you two could've just insulted the fuck out of each other without getting mad or petty about it

Fyodor Dostoyevski

°Bro is just like "okay..? That's.. Yeah okay"

°like he doesn't know what to say

°takes inspo from the Insults and threats

°he legit just doesn't give a shit I'm gonna be honest

°"so just another weirdo? Alright"

°if he ever meets your cousin. tell him to wash that damn lice nest.

°please scrub his hair clean (make the shampoo go in his eyes)

°make him use deoderant for once in his fucking life

I want to write how the meeting will go but I doubt he'd go out and meet them, like I'm sorry

Nikolai Gogol

°this man is so entertained

°he acts almost identical to Dazai

°"put them on speaker I want to hear!!"

°he'd get along so well with them probably like holy shit

°y'all once just started taking about alphas (it turned into war)

°the Insults you two send are like a bed time story to him. Tell him all about the drama, speak your truth bestie

Yeah so like.. The meeting was entertaining, insults getting thrown back and forth by the three of you, some beverages and snacks and you just sat there for literal hours (can you tell I'm out of ideas and motivation?)

Sigma

°he is concerned

°you know how when he was with Fyodor, Nikolai and Dazai and he said "im the only normal one" or something similar

°THAT'S HOW HE FEELS RIGHT NOW

°like he's Fr just listening to you two talk about the family trauma while giggling and he's like "that ain't normal😶😶

°IF HE GETS ANXIOUS HOLD HIS HAND THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE THING I'M BEGGING YOU

°he finds your interactions interesting and definitely takes note of how you two speak to each other

°he never had a family of his own so he starts seeing your cousin as one as they became friends

°either that or your cousin is like your guys' child

°if y'all ever gossip in the casino he's kind of scared you'll scare the customers off

°definetly just sits and cuddles you while you're talking shit with them

°OKAY IDK WHY BUT A GROUP WHERE IT'S YOU, SIGMA, NIKOLAI AND YOUR COUSIN. PURE FUCKING CHAOS

[goldxnfemme]

I think I need more time to put in digestible, palatable and "non offensive" words my feelings about people's performative allyship.

For starters, the fact that I (and other poc in general) have to make myself nice, non threatening and overly concerned with my wording just to get a chance to be heard about whatever is absolute bullshit, but it keeps fucking happening lol

The funny thing is, at the end of the day, most of the time, it ultimately doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm diplomatic, which most of the time I am, overly so in my opinion, it doesn't matter if I'm nice, kind, respectful, careful, consistent, trustworthy in my track record, when put against a white person's argument, in my and other poc's experiences, throughout our whole lives, the white person will be listened to much more than us, a lot of the time we won't even be given a chance.

Saying you support intersectionality and in any situation the white person is the first one you run to, you check on, idk you know...

It's pretty fucking frustrating. And I think most of the time people don't notice that they do that, especially because it's so deeply rooted in them, which really doesn't fucking excuse it, but I guess sometimes folks aren't aware of how they're conditioned to contribute and reinforce white supremacy, and they simply don't examine their actions enough because thinking you're doing the right thing is enough instead of analysing your behaviours, right? 🙃

Having to make ourselves palatable just to have a chance to be heard is exhausting. Because either we're the overly dramatic and aggressive poc or the lying poc or the creates problems and starts fights poc or the too loud poc like y'all keep falling for the stereotypes, not even falling for, jumping eagerly to stereotypes, there's no way we can win.

It's rare for me to see poc being taken seriously as people would a white person in the same position, without someone finding a way to invalidate or overly scrutinise their point. Because scrutiny intensely comes for people of colour and people in multiple marginalised groups, it has never been a neutral tool.

And as a society, we've definitely normalized that and have gotten too comfortable with not even considering questioning it.

Idk how to end this, I'm just tired and tired of saying "do better" too, because at some point, it feels like begging. People of colour shouldn't have to be reminding you of this all the time, seriously.

[secretkittywolf]

Kiaz incorrect quotes

I may have gone a biiiiit overboard. Not my fault that they fit with so many!

Miguel: Do you take constructive criticism?

Robby: I only take cash or credit

Miguel: You know, there’s something weird going on with your face? Robby: What?

Miguel: You’re smiling! I didn’t know you could do that

Miguel, points to Robby: He called me the B-word! Robby: Motherfucker doesn’t start with ‘b’

Miguel: Is something burning? Robby, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you~

Miguel: Robby, the toaster is literally on fire

Robby: I’m in love with you Miguel: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork Robby: I know Miguel: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

Miguel, to Robby: We had a date! Miguel: aggressively points to Hello Kitty Colouring Book

Miguel: Holding up a pack of pencils These are kinda cute Robby: Miguel, that’s gay Miguel: We’ve been dating for 2 years—

Waiter: What would you like? Robby: Bring a milkshake with two straws Miguel: blushes Robby: puts both straws in his mouth Watch how fast I can drink this!!

Robby: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response Miguel: Wow. They sound stupid Robby: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense Miguel: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!” Robby: I guess you’re right. Hey Miguel, I love you Miguel: See! Just say that! Robby: Holy fucking shit Miguel: If that flies over their head then, sorry Robby, but they're too dumb for you Robby: Miguel...

Robby: This date is boring! Miguel: This isn't a date. I said I was going to the store Robby: Then why did you invite me? Miguel: I didn't. I specifically said "Don't come with me" then you said "Fuck you Miguel I'll do whatever I want!"

Robby: I'm trash Miguel: As someone who's environmentally conscious, it's my duty to pick you up. Does 7 work for you? Robby: Robby: You smooth motherfucker Robby: And yes it does

Robby: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake Miguel: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear Robby: … Robby: You mean ring bearER, right? Miguel: … Robby: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding

Robby, trying to flirt with Miguel: I think both of our families suck

Miguel: I have feelings for you Robby: Why? What's wrong with you? Are you sure you're okay?

Robby: Hey, I’m getting in the shower. Wanna help me out? Miguel: …Have you never taken a shower before?

Robby: Goodnight to the love of my life, Miguel, and fuck the rest of y'all

Robby: Okay, but what if we went to dinner not as friends this time? Miguel: AS ENEMIES?! Robby:

Miguel: Smart is attractive. Educate me on something I don't know! Robby: The mouth of a jellyfish is also an anus Miguel: Stop

Robby: As top in this relationship, I think we should- Miguel: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me

Robby: How much did you spend on this date? Miguel: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years

Robby, sweating: Miguel, there’s something I need to ask you- Miguel: Finally! You’re proposing! Robby: How’d you know? Miguel: Robby, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner Miguel: I even picked it up once

Miguel: Robby, I… Miguel: I love you! Robby: Not my problem

Robby: Are you ready to commit? Miguel: Like, a crime or a relationship?

Miguel, throwing their head into Robby's lap: Tell me I'm pretty! Robby, lovingly stroking their hair: You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are

Robby: You look good in that hoodie Miguel: You know where else I'd look good? Robby, zero hesitation: My bed Miguel, at the same time: By your side- wait, what?

Robby: I feel like doing something stupid Miguel: I’m stupid, do me

Robby: Know why I called you in here? Miguel: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic Robby: Stops pouring two glasses of wine Accidentally?

Robby: I don't know how to tell you this, but… I love you Miguel: That's great, Robby. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years

Robby: Miguel and I are no longer friends. Miguel: ROBBY! THAT IS THE WORST WAY TO TELL PEOPLE THAT WE’RE DATING!

Miguel: Did it hurt when you fell- Robby: From heaven? Wow, I didn’t think you were such a flirt- Miguel: No, I meant when you fell down the stairs Robby: … Miguel: You just laid there for 15 minutes

Robby: The stars are so beautiful… Miguel: They're just giant balls of gas Robby: You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then- Miguel: And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you Robby: blushes Oh…

Robby: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers? Miguel: Peonies, why? Robby: Miguel: Were you going to get me flowers? Robby: Miguel: Robby: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

Miguel: Fight me! Robby: gets on one knee and pulls out a ring Robby: Fight me for the rest of our lives

Miguel: angrily presses Robby against a wall WHERE'S THE MONEY?! Robby: … Robby: Are we about to kiss-

Robby: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized- Miguel: steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely Robby: That one. I want that one

Robby: Hey, wanna take a shower with me? Miguel: I have a gun in that nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shoot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy

At a speed dating event Miguel: Oh wow, people are really shallow Robby: Consider it a background check. For example: Do you have a death certificate? Miguel: Checks their pulse Sorry, not yet Robby: Good, I'm not fucking a ghost again

Robby: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine Miguel: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again Robby: O-oh. Wait- Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns? Miguel: ...Is it working?

Miguel walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Robby, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK?! Robby, sipping coffee happily: I love you too~

Robby: We should get you to a doctor for a check up immediately. What if it happens again, and there isn’t anyone around to help you? What if it’s congenital? Oh my God! Was it me? Did I hurt you? Miguel: …You realize any other person that made their partner pass out in bed would simply feel really proud of themselves, right?

Miguel: Did you know you remind me of all 26 letters of the alphabet? Robby: What? Like J F K W S Q X- Miguel: No, like, U R A Q T Robby: Awwww!

Miguel: Are you an F5 key? Because that ass is refreshing Robby: Are you a software update? because not right now

Miguel: That was so hot, Robby Robby: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets Miguel: I'm so in love with you

Miguel: You have to apologize to them Robby Robby: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!

Miguel: Bro- Robby: No, no, hold up, rewind Robby: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro??

Robby: Wow, they really hate us Miguel: Yes, perhaps they’re homophobic Robby: But we’re not gay, Miguel Miguel: Robby: Miguel: We’re not?

Miguel: What are you in the mood for? Robby: World domination Miguel: That's a bit ambitious Robby: You are my world Miguel: Aww… Robby: Miguel: Robby: Miguel: OH!

Miguel: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning Robby: This is a lie Robby: I'm literally dating them. This is a lie Robby: HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE! gestures to the burnt food WHAT IS THIS?!

Robby comes home absolutely drunk, undresses, and stands in the bedroom Miguel: Babe, are you.. coming to bed? Robby: No thank you, I’m sure you’re lovely but I have a boyfriend Robby: Lies on the ground and falls asleep Miguel: …

Robby: Stop doing that Miguel: Stop doing what? Robby: Saying things that make me wanna kiss the hell out of you!

Robby: Do you love me? Miguel: We’re literally married Robby: Yeah, but as friends or—

Miguel: Cause your pretty and your smart and your ignoring me so your obviously my type Robby, who was distracted: I'm sorry- what were you saying? Miguel: Perfect

Robby: Hey, about that love letter you sent me- Miguel: blushes What are your thoughts? Robby: The fourth sentence- Miguel: Yeah, that’s where I got really emotional and I- Robby: It’s “you’re” not “your”

Miguel: I owe you one Robby: That’s ok. You can just date me and we’ll call it even

Miguel is crying after breaking up with Sam Robby: There there, Miguel Miguel, still crying: Thanks, but how did you get into my room? Robby: Great question—

Robby: So you like cats? Miguel: Yeah Robby: tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table

Robby: Wow, Miguel, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you Miguel: We literally slept together yesterday! Robby: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands

Robby: Miguel, you do remember when we agreed we were better off as friends, right? Miguel, naked in Robby's bed: No, I absolutely do not Robby, already taking off their clothes: Fuck… Me neither

Miguel: Talk dirty to me, baby~ Robby: The dishes Miguel: Wh- Robby: They’ve been there for 4 days and it’s your turn to wash them. You still haven’t cleaned them and I have asked you to do so several times

Robby: My hands are cold Miguel: Here, let me hold them Robby: My lips are cold too Miguel: covers Robby's mouth with his hand

Miguel: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us Robby: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both

Robby: I like your new pants! Miguel: Thanks, they were 50% off! Robby: I’d like them better if they were 100% off. winks Miguel: The store can’t just give away clothes for free Robby: That’s… not what I meant Miguel: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Robby

Miguel: Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night? Robby: It was autocorrect Miguel: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me" Robby: Yes

Robby: Miguel and I are no longer dating Miguel: Robby, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married!

Miguel: Talk dirty to me~ Robby: Inflation is a serious problem and lumber prices are at a high Miguel: Wha- Robby: The economy is in shambles

Robby: You know my motto: carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles Miguel: Seize the day, seize the night, what’s the last one? Robby: Seize the dick

Miguel: We have a problem Robby: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them

Miguel: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl Robby: Okay Miguel: And make out during the scary parts Robby: Th- Robby: The scary parts Robby: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl?

Miguel: Are we fighting or flirting? Robby: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck- Miguel: Your point?

Robby: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives Miguel: I wake up at 4:30 AM every day to train Robby: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives

Robby: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy Miguel: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep Robby: I said within reason, Miguel. How about I murder that guy? *points to Terry Silver* Miguel: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't? Robby: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?

Robby: Pros and cons of dating me Robby: Pros. You'll be the cute one Robby: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

Robby: BE A BETTER PERSON! Miguel: WHY?! Robby: BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORALS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP AND IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE ME, SWEETHEART!

Miguel: Robby, you love me, right? Robby: Normally I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won’t like

Robby: Can you cut me some slack, Miguel? I’m sort of in love Miguel: I’m sorry but that’s really not my problem Robby: I’m in love with you Miguel: blushes Oh. That brings me in the loop a little

Miguel: Robby is playing hard to get Miguel: Little does he know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of

Robby: I want to kiss you Miguel, not paying attention: What? Robby: I said if you die, I wont miss you

Robby: Two brooooos! Miguel: Chillin' in a hot tub! Robby: Five feet apart 'cause we're not gay! Miguel: Robby: Miguel: tearing up Robby: Babe, c'mon… Miguel: AND HERE YOU REALLY HAD ME THINKING WE HAD SOMETHING! Robby: Babe…

Robby: Sorry I’m late, I was... doing things Miguel: Hi, I’m ‘things’

Miguel: Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt Robby: Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit

Miguel: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you… Robby: Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me and no take backs honey

Robby: Okay, but if your not gay then why are you always holding my hand and kissing me and telling me I’m your boyfriend? Miguel: Dude- Its satire! Robby: THAT'S NOT WHAT SATIRE MEANS!

Miguel: When you said 'Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this… Robby: pulls out card from deck Now, was this your card? Miguel: Holy shit-

Robby: Laughs Babe, you had a crush on me? That’s embarrassing— Miguel: We’re married

[mulletmitsuya]

Toman groupchat

Warnings: offensive jokes (a joke about someone who is no longer alive), swearing, suggestive, milfs, (also this is shorter than the usual)

Desc: not really a description but i forgot that Chifuyu is like super rude sometimes so i'ma amp that up to 50 (this is completely irrelevant to the chapter, my bad)

Smiley: Chifuyu c'mon dude i didn't mean to

Chifuyu: literally never come to my house again

Smiley: but it was an accident😐

Chifuyu: you almost drowned Peke J in a washing machine Smiley! how is that a fucking accident

Draken: lmao

Draken: wait no is the cat okay?

Chifuyu: lmao????

Chifuyu: this is 'lmao' to you, Draken??

Draken: that's my bad dude

Mikey: LMAO

Mitsuya: has anyone heard of the term direct message

Chifuyu: Mitsuya-kun i'm not in the mood rn

Mitsuya: yeah neither am i, message each other privately jesus fucking christ

Smiley: nah y'all gotta listen to my side of the story

Smiley: ayt so i'm helping Matsuno-san out around the house right?

Smiley: and lemme tell you

Smiley: it's easy to get distracted around her yk

Takemitchy: yeah actually

Chifuyu: what does that mean?

Takemitchy: um

Takemitchy: nothing bro 😅

Chifuyu: Smiley

Smiley: she's a milf

Smiley: i'd be down to smash fr she's hot as hell

Angry: what's hot as hell is the seat reserved for you in hell😠

Angry: don't say that about our friends mom

Smiley: Baji's mom too but like i'm actually scared of her and she looks exactly like him so it'd be weird

Angry: you're not listening!

Draken: you don't have any shame at all?

Smiley: none whatsoever

Mikey: if someone called my mom a milf i'd kill myself

Chifuyu: isn't she dead

Chifuyu: guess she turned the tables

Chifuyu: cause she's the angel now

Chifuyu: not you

Chifuyu: do you get it 😐

Mikey: ...😧

Mikey: BRO??????

Mitsuya: uncalled for

Hakkai: he's giggling actually

Draken: why was that necessary 💀

Kazutora: i think it's about time Mikey gets rationed

Hakkai: *ratioed

Kazutora: yeah since this time he brought this up on himself, even i don't go up to Chifuyu when he's in a bad mood

Kazutora: he said i have pupils like goats

Kazutora: idek what that means

Kazutora: so essentially it's his fault

Kazutora: get it?

Kazutora: cause it's Mikey's fault 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Draken: ...

Mitsuya: ...

Hakkai: ....

Baji: ....

Kazutora: too soon?

Kazutora: ayt

Kazutora: my apologies 👉👈

Chifuyu: i'm sorry i'm a little agitated rn

Smiley: anyway 😁

Smiley: Peke J blends in with your mom's fake fur coat idk what else to tell you

Chifuyu: HE IS A LIVE ANIMAL YOU MOTHERFUCKER

Smiley: be careful what you call me son😋

Chifuyu: Smiley

Smiley: ig your fucking cat was sleeping cause i didn't see no live cat

Smiley: and chill out, your negatives vibes are ruining my sunny aura 😁

Baji: what's this about Peke J almost dying

Baji: i will not only kill the person responsible but also myself

Baji: don't fucking do this to me i am hanging on by a thread

Mikey: schools really kicking your ass huh

Mikey: get a tutor

Baji: they all leave

Smiley: that is so fucking funny, holy shit

Angry: SMILEY 😡

Hakkai: Angry do you genuinely think using a different 'angry' emoji colour is gonna have indifferent effect?

Hakkai: c'mon now 😕

Baji: i'ma beat the shit out of you

Baji: Chifuyu let's tag team him

Kazutora: he's crying

Baji: understandable

Smiley: y'all try and catch me fr😁👊

[teaberrii]

Chapter Seventeen: The Love in Our Lives

Alhaitham has the looks and the smarts. He will also be the stand-in CEO for his grandfather's company for a year.

But, he's been mysteriously cursed to turn into a cat every night since his eighteenth birthday… until he meets you, an employee at his grandfather's company, who rescues him as a cat and changes him back with one kiss.

Alhaitham/You

Notes:

Cross-posted on AO3

Female reader

Chapter index at the end of chapter one

When Alhaitham steps into the local police station that day, he gets many stares. Perhaps it's because he looks out of place in an environment where uniformed men and women are walking about. Or maybe it's because they are dreading the possibility of having to do work.

“Well, well, look what the cat dragged in!” Alhaitham turns and sees Dehya with two other men who look like they’ve just been through hellish training. “Whaddya need, Alhaitham?”

“I’m here to see a tabloid reporter. He recently posted some photos onto a forum.”

“Ah, I know exactly who you’re talking about." Dehya gestures for him to follow her. "You aren’t the only one who came to see him.”

There’s someone else?

As Alhaitham follows Dehya down an empty hallway, she says, “A guy named Thoma also came to see him. Not sure if he’s getting anything out of him, though.” Dehya sighs. “Maybe you can knock some sense into that reporter. He doesn’t regret anything he’s done.” She frowns. “Candace and I heard from Y/N this morning. She seemed fine, but I’m still so tempted to give him a good beating if I’m being honest.”

“The feeling is mutual.”

Dehya opens the door to a man slouching in a chair. The reporter looks thin, almost too thin. He's staring at Thoma with a hollow look. Thoma is out of his seat; his hands are on the table, and he's leaning toward him. Whatever it is, Alhaitham suspects that Thoma isn't getting whatever answers he wants.

“Is everything okay in here, Thoma?” Dehya asks.

“Yeah…” Thoma awkwardly sits down and looks at Alhaitham. “What are you doing here?”

“Probably the same reason as you.”

Dehya looks from Thoma to Alhaitham. “Well, give me a holler if y'all need anything.”

Just as the door closes, Alhaitham looks at the reporter, who finally looks at him.

“...Who are you?” he asks. There’s a lazy drawl to his voice. “Are you here to ask me about her, too?”

Alhaitham looks at Thoma, who sighs. “...This man is an old classmate.”

The reporter smiles. “Never would’ve guessed from my alias, huh? I bet Ayato’s still in the dark.”

Thoma glares at him. “Why did you do this?”

“You, out of all people, should know, Thoma. I hate him. Why else?”

“...So, you want to drag him down as he’s getting popular.”

The reporter smiles at Alhaitham. “Glad someone's using their head.”

Alhaitham puts a wide cream-coloured envelope on the table. “Your name is Gaston. You used to be a reporter for The Steambird until you got fired for poor performance.”

Gaston looks from the envelope to Alhaitham and narrows his eyes. “Who the fuck are you?”

Alhaitham nods toward the envelope, and Gaston reluctantly opens it. His eyes widen when he finds the photos he took, the ones of mostly women. It's clear they've been taken without their permission. Then, he finds a list of people. The further down he looks, it's documentation of their experiences receiving a gift with a hidden camera attached.

Alhaitham takes out his phone and plays a message.

“It was a reporter. He approached me during a press conference, and after talking with him, he said he was personally a fan and gave me a little keychain.” The woman on the tape sighs. “...It took me a while to find out that there was a small camera in one of the materials.”

"...You gave this keychain to one of the attendees at the Awards Night afterparty," Alhaitham says, slipping his phone back into his chest pocket. "That person unknowingly gave you what you were looking for." Alhaitham's little smile only makes Gaston more nervous. "I hope you know that filming and taking photos without people's consent is a serious crime. I wonder how long you'll be in for."

Frustrated and angry, Gaston tears the photos into pieces. Thoma looks at him as if he’s turned into an animal. Alhaitham, on the other hand, still looks at him calmly.

“I was wondering why you only posted the photo of Ayato onto the forum,” Alhaitham says. “But it seems like I got my answer.”

“Yeah. That’s right. Ayato… that fucking scumbag," Gaston spat. "If it weren’t for him, she would still be alive.”

“What are you saying?” Thoma demands angrily.

Gaston glares at Thoma. “Ayato couldn’t save her. He couldn’t do enough for her. That’s why she died.”

“You’re wrong!”

“...She shouldn’t have died. If anything, Ayato was the one who—”

“Shut up!” Thoma grabs Gaston’s shirt collar. “Do you know how much both of them were suffering?”

“I was her friend," Gaston says. "Of course, I knew!"

"No. No, you fucking don't."

Suddenly, the door opens, and Dehya quickly walks inside upon seeing the confrontation. "Hey, hey, what's going on here?"

"She took her own life," Gaston says. Thoma's hands are shaking as he stares angrily at Gaston, who smiles scornfully. "You think no one knows? I know, Thoma. I am a journalist, after all." Gaston grabs Thoma's hands and rudely pushes them off. "Do you know why I kept it a secret? Because I knew that was what she would've wanted."

“If you really were her friend, you wouldn’t have done this," Thoma says. "Do you know what people are saying about her online?”

“Her? Or Ayato?”

Alhaitham's patience is wearing thin. "Regardless of your motives, what you've done caused you great harm." Gaston slowly turns to him. "You'll hardly find another job." Alhaitham walks in front of him as Gaston clenches his fists. "I hope this was worth ruining your life for."

As Alhaitham walks away, he gives Thoma a look, and he follows after him. Dehya looks at the pathetic man in the room again and closes the door.

In a secluded area of the police station, Thoma sits on a bench, calming himself down until Alhaitham hands him a drink. Thoma takes it, and Alhaitham sits next to him.

"...How did you get all of that info?" Thoma asks quietly.

"I pulled a few strings," Alhaitham says. "...He messed with the wrong person."

"You came all this way just to tell him he's going to get locked away?" Thoma smiles slightly. "Ah… You went this far because she was involved, right?"

Alhaitham returns Thoma’s smile with one of his own.

Then, Thoma sighs. “Still, I can’t believe it was him. He was never this bad in school.”

“...People change. For better or for worse.”

After a small silence, Thoma looks at Alhaitham. “What happened today… could you not share the details with Ayato? I know it’s a ridiculous request to ask, but”—Thoma looks down—“the truth is that Ayato doesn’t know what really happened to her.”

“...Are you saying he doesn’t know she…”

Thoma shakes his head. “...No. He believes she died naturally.” He sighs. “I know it’s wrong to keep it from him, but… I promised her.”

"...This is just a theory, but what if that can break his curse?" Alhaitham crosses one leg over the other. "We still don't know a lot about it. But, in Ayato's case, she was the one who gave it to him. So logically… it should break if she's no longer here."

“That's a good point," Thoma says quietly. "In addition to that, I also have a tiny theory. But, it might sound ridiculous.”

“This curse is already ridiculous in itself. I wouldn’t be surprised if the key to breaking it is just as strange.”

“...When Ayato first told me about the curse, it was when he finally gave up everything.”

“Gave up everything?”

Thoma nods. "His studies… freedom… all of his time was spent making money toward helping her cover medical costs as her parents were already struggling financially."

“To put it another way, he was living for someone else.”

"Yes. Even now… he still isn't. Ayaka's medical procedure also cost him a pretty penny. Sometimes, he still questions whether he wants to continue acting."

This is only Alhaitham's speculation, but is Ayato afraid to try something else for fear of starting all over again?

"So I just think that maybe… what if self-love is the key to breaking Ayato's curse?"

“That’s a very interesting theory,” Alhaitham says. “We already have strong evidence that the curse is different for everyone. If we go with that idea… perhaps the key to breaking the curse is finding the types of love we lack in our lives.”

“I can’t believe we’re actually running with my theory,” Thoma says with a small smile. “But, let’s say it’s true… what would be yours?”

Alhaitham already knows you're his temporary miracle cure, which means you obviously play a significant role in his life. His curse has also been changing because of you. If you aren't together, Alhaitham would think the key is to become your boyfriend. But that's already accomplished. So… does that mean…

"Hey." Thoma and Alhaitham turn to Dehya. "Sorry to keep you guys waiting. The guy is asking for a lawyer, but we've heard it all before. So anyway, he won't be causing anyone harm anymore."

“I apologize for causing a ruckus,” Thoma says.

Dehya waves a hand dismissively. "Anyway, leave the rest to us. We'll make sure this guy pays for what he's done."

So, with that, Thoma and Alhaitham leave the police station.

◆◆◆

“...Unstable? Is it because it just started?”

You and Childe are having lunch together later that day. Alhaitham had given you a brief update on what happened at the police station, including the speculation from Thoma about the curse. You haven't brought it up to Childe just yet, as he's questioning why his transformation isn't as stable as Alhaitham and Ayato's.

“Well… it’s after he met me that his curse started changing,” you say.

“I’d think that’s progress. But what the heck is mine supposed to mean?”

That’s when you mention Thoma’s speculation.

“...Self-love?” Childe asks. “As strange as it sounds, it does oddly make sense.”

"...Then, I would think yours is pretty self-explanatory."

Childe looks you in the eyes. “What are you saying?”

“Your family, Childe.”

He leans back and crosses his arms. "...I've always had problems with them. So why would it start now?"

“Maybe it had something to do with your talk with them that night. Your mother kept calling you, didn’t she?”

Childe goes quiet, and you finish the rest of your food when you hear Tighnari.

“You look kinda glum, Childe,” Tighnari says, joining you and Childe at the table. “Everything okay?”

“Who, me? I guess I’ve been a little stressed.”

“Oh, with what?”

Childe glances at you. "I had to make some very peculiar changes to my lifestyle recently. Kinda having trouble adapting. But that's not what's important." Childe leans slightly forward. "I heard you got a date to Zhongli's wedding."

“Ah… yeah, I did.”

“Why are you keeping us in the dark?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“Don’t tell me it’s some supermodel,” Childe says.

Tighnari chuckles. “In my eyes, he is.”

“Ooh, so romantic. So, has he”—Childe looks at you, and you look back—"He?”

You quickly look to Tighnari. “Nari, are you…”

Tighnari clears his throat. “Yes, my friends. I am bi.”

“Well, I’ll be,” Childe says with wide eyes. “I honestly never would’ve guessed. But damn. Now I’m super curious about the guy.”

“I bet he’s just as charming as Nari,” you say.

“Oh, no… I think he’s better, actually.”

You smile widely as Childe pretends to gag. “Cute, Nari,” he says, “but stop making it difficult for us single people.”

“Now, I'm looking forward to Zhongli's wedding even more," you say. "Can't wait to meet him!”

"Well, if he ain't treating you right, call us, and we'll knock some sense into him."

Tighnari chuckles. “What about you two? Are you still going together?”

Childe looks at you. “I’m going with Lumine.”

“As long as you two are on the same page,” you say. “...Are you going to Kaeya’s party with her then?”

“Kaeya?” Tighnari asks. “Are you talking about Kaeya Alberich?”

“Do you know him?” Childe asks.

“He’s one of the designers doing the marketing material for Sumeru Geographic. Blue hair? Tan? Tall guy?”

“I’ve never seen him.”

“That sounds about right,” you say. 

“So, um, what’s he like?” Childe asks.

“He’s a cool guy,” Tighnari says. “If I’m being honest, he’s quite charming.”

“Charming?”

You and Tighnari look at Childe. “You make it sound like that’s a crime,” you say.

“A lot of the girls are fond of him,” Tighnari continues. “But he’s also cool with the guys.”

Childe frowns. “This isn’t high school.”

Tighnari laughs. “In a nutshell, he seems like an upstanding guy.”

“...You still thinking about going to that party?” you ask Childe.

Childe looks back. “What do you think?”

“Well, I hope you have a plan, Mr. Cat.”

“Mr. Cat?”

Childe looks at Tighnari. “Don’t worry about it.”

◆◆◆

Ayato enters a room and sees a company executive sitting at the table. He's reading what Ayato assumes are documents. The man smiles at Ayato and gestures for him to sit. As Ayato does, he sees a cream-coloured envelope.

“You wanted to see me?” Ayato asks.

"I have good or bad news, depending on how you look at it."

The man gestures to the envelope, and Ayato opens it up. As soon as he pulls out the papers inside and reads the title, he knows it’s a drama offer.

“The director personally reached out,” the man continues. “They want you to star as the male lead for this show.”

While Ayato may not know the director personally, he’s familiar with his work. Perhaps you will also put in a good word for him as he is the director of Love in the Spotlight. Ayato doesn’t need to be told that this is a great opportunity. But… he still needs to ask.

“Will there be a kiss scene?”

“There is a romance subplot.” When Ayato stays quiet, the man continues, “I know you’re opposed to doing kiss scenes. But the director is adamant on having it.”

A detective romance. An interesting story if Ayato does say so himself.

“I… I’ll think about it,” Ayato finally says. “Please give me some time.”

“Oh? You used to discard offers like these in a blink of an eye. Does this mean you’re really interested in this one?”

Rather than being interested, Ayato thinks that this is a step up. He will make more money. But, instead, he says, "It’s different than what I’ve taken on. It would be a fun challenge.”

The man smiles. “Yes. I’m glad we’re on the same page.” He stands. “But take some time to think about it.”

As Ayato watches the man leave, he sighs and puts the papers back inside the envelope. Ayato says he will think about it, but… he's lying to himself. Maybe he can try convincing the director or—

“Ayato.” Thoma walks inside the room.

“Oh, Thoma.” Ayato looks at his watch. “Is something wrong? I don’t have anything scheduled for another few hours or so.”

“I heard that you got an offer,” Thoma says, sitting across from him.

Ayato looks at the envelope. “...Yes.”

“...Are you upset?”

Ayato slides Thoma into the envelope. "The story is interesting. I think it would do well regardless of who's cast."

“Then, why the long face?”

Ayato looks up and sees Thoma staring at him. “...I think you know why I can’t take it.”

Thoma leans back. “Alhaitham came to the police station today.”

“Police station?” Ayato frowns. “Wait… what were you doing at the police station?”

“I went to see the lowlife who posted those ridiculous photos on the forum.”

“...So, that’s where you disappeared to."

“Anyway, Alhaitham and I were talking… and there’s a theory that we think could be the cause of the curse.”

“...Which is?”

Thoma takes a small breath. “Love.”

Ayato raises a brow. “Love? How does that have to do with the curse?”

"Do you remember the day you told me you turned? You said it was the day you visited her at the hospital. The day you told her… you're giving up your studies."

Ayato looks away. “...Don’t tell me you’re saying that she’s the one who’ll break my curse? That’s ridiculous, Thoma—”

"No." Ayato looks back. "Your curse started because you gave up everything for her. Even now, you're in this industry because of Ayaka. You're constantly doing things for other people."

“...Are you saying…”

Thoma sighs. “If you ask me… the answer to breaking your curse has been you all along. You just never realized.”

“Then, what are you expecting me to do?” The cold tone is one that Thoma has never heard before. “Should I leave the industry?”

“No! That’s not what I’m saying.”

In truth, Thoma isn't sure what to say. Perhaps it's not fair that he dumped all of this onto Ayato. But, on the other hand, what is he supposed to tell him? To love himself? That's awkward.

“I… I just think you should start making decisions for yourself,” Thoma finally says. “Do you really want to continue acting?”

“...Then, let me give you an answer. I do. It’s the only thing I can do. It’s the only thing I have. What am I supposed to do if I’m not acting? Commercials aren't enough."

“You’re thinking of it as a lifeline. You don’t want to do this because you want to. You do it because you have no choice.”

Ayato frowns. "...Because without it, I will lose everything, Thoma. It's easy for someone to tell you to do whatever you want because they don't have to face the consequences. But, if I did just that a long time ago, Ayaka wouldn't have had the money for her surgery." He stands. "Now that her bills are finally paid off, I need to think about making a living for myself. Like I said, acting is all I have."

Then, without another word, Ayato walks out of the room.

◆◆◆

That evening, you manage to get in touch with Kaeya, but it's to tell him that you won't be able to make it to his party as it clashes with the reunion with Collei. And, well, you agreed to hers first.

"Oh, no problem," Kaeya says. "Lumine mentioned that you might have something else going on."

“You saw her today?”

"I was seeing a few friends, and we bumped into each other. There… was another guy that was with her, though."

Is he talking about Childe?

“Well, anyway, congratulations on your win the other night. Diluc and I loved the show. You deserved it.”

You smile. “Thanks, Kaeya. Let’s go out to eat sometime with Lumine and Diluc.”

“For sure.”

After ending the call, you hear Kaveh’s voice from Alhaitham’s kitchen. You put your phone on the table and see Alhaitham looking disapprovingly at his ex-roommate.

“...It’s a wonder how you managed to survive this long on your own, Kaveh.”

“That’s why there’s something called takeout.”

"...Where you have no idea what goes into your food," Alhaitham deadpans.

"I'm still alive, aren't I?" Kaveh turns around upon seeing Alhaitham look past him. "Oh, Sis! Sorry, were we too loud?"

You walk up to them and look at the burnt… thing in the pan. “It, uh, it’s definitely nothing like I’ve ever seen before.”

Kaveh puts a hand on his hip. “It has its own charm, right?”

Alhaitham sighs. “...If that’s what you want to call it.”

Eventually, the three of you are sitting at the dinner table, talking about the curse until Alhaitham tells Kaveh about Thoma’s speculation.

"Self-love, huh?" Kaveh says, putting his fork down. "That's not something that can be achieved so easily." He looks from Alhaitham to you. "...But enough about Ayato, what about you two?" You and Alhaitham look at each other, and Kaveh smiles. "Could yours be… romantic love?"

“We’re already in a relationship,” you say.

“You have to think bigger, Sis. Marriage? A… baby, perhaps?”

Of course, that has crossed your mind. But you're definitely not ready for either of those. You don't even want a child. But… does Alhaitham feel the same? You've never talked about marriage or starting a family with him, as that conversation seems way too fast. Besides, even if you do any of those things now, it won't feel genuine. Won't that mean you're just helping him get rid of his curse? It doesn't sound like a decision made out of love or respect.

“Rushing either of those things will not help in the long run,” Alhaitham says.

Kaveh looks at you. "Just curious, Sis… do you want to get married and have a kid? I know some people who don't want either anymore. Times are changing." Before you can reply, Kaveh chuckles. "If you don't want kids, cats are a pretty good alternative. Don't you think?"

Alhaitham gives Kaveh a deadpan look, to which Kaveh returns with a smile.

Later that night, you fell asleep on Alhaitham's bed after watching a movie. Alhaitham—in his cat form—walks into his room and sees you on the bed. He hops onto the bed and uses his kitty strength to drag a blanket over you.

Then, after he turns off the TV with his paw, he goes underneath the blanket and snuggles himself next to you. Is it true that the key to breaking his curse is… romantic love? Does this mean you’re really his soulmate? But this raises another question. Why did his curse start at eighteen? Was there something special that happened during that time?

Alhaitham can only remember that it was the time when his parents dropped the news that they were going abroad… again right before his high school graduation. Alhaitham knew how busy they were with work, so he didn't question it. It wasn't like they kept him out of the loop. They kept in touch frequently, but nothing beats seeing and spending time with people in-person. Still, he remembers feeling extremely empty, so he went to a bar with Kaveh for a drink.

Then, Alhaitham remembers what his grandfather told him: Is it wrong of me to want a grandbaby? Does this mean he'll oppose his relationship with you if he knows you don't want kids? Alhaitham has never seriously thought about whether he will want kids or not. But, just like you, he's content with what he has in life. A happy relationship with the person he loves. He'd always thought that maybe going with the flow was best. Well, it looks like he'll have to have an opinion eventually.

You stir in your sleep, and your hand finds his tummy. Alhaitham nuzzles his head against your cheek. Your eyes slowly open, and you smile when you see Alhaitham snuggled up next to you.

“Should I turn you back now?”

You're expecting a response. A meow. Or any kind of indication that he wants to. But instead, he puts his head on your arm and slowly closes his eyes. Looks like he wants to stay in cat form tonight. And who are you to complain?

Chapter Eighteen

Tag list: @suoshiii @lordbugs @lxry-chxn @seirenspinel @sakiimeo @ash-in-lavender @ceylestia @forsh4dow @deathkat657 @kalpie @elernity @sentieence @chichibleeps @sunsethw4 @hjjks @tanspostsblog @nqctre @just-simping-over-genshin @uchihaeirin @vynbin @ayanokomu @dksfl920 @alatus1808 @itztaki @thetwinkims @imkaaayy @angeilix @starlighttotheleft @letthewindlead @thelonelyarchon @certaindreampost @winterpein

[thecaptainstevie]

More incorrect quotes I generated (+April)

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Mikey: I'm cold. Leo: Here, take my hoodie. *meanwhile* Raph: I'm cold. Donnie: I can't control the weather, Raph.

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Donnie: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? It doesn't matter. I'm going to burn your house down.

(also works for Mikey)

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Raph: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast? April: Several traffic violations. Mikey: Three counts of resisting arrest. Donnie: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks. Leo: Also, that’s not our car.

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April: Yo dumbass, get over here. Leo: Okay- Mikey: *gleefully runs past* I’m coming! Leo, sadly: I thought... I was dumbass...

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(lots more after the cut)

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April: Leo's refusing to wear their glasses! Leo: April, look, I wore the glasses for a day. My eyes are much better now. Watch. Leo: *points to Raph* Raph. Leo: *points to Mikey* Mikey. Leo: *points to Donnie* Sasquatch.

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*In a group chat* Raph: A pegan just flew into my window. April: Pegan? Mikey: A what? Donnie: Ah yes, my favorite bird, Pegan. Leo: I thought you said penguin for a second, LMAO! Donnie: Just a normal day with flying penguins crashing into my window. Leo: You have pigeons flying into your window? Can't relate, I have penguins flying into my window. Raph: I literally just made a typo-

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Leo: You're a lying piece of sh*t! (censored by Raph) Donnie: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD! Raph: I'm leaving and I'm taking Mikey with me! April, gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today.

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*The Squad's cooking skills* Mikey: *master chef* Leo: *knows a few recipes* April: *can follow instructions on a box* Donnie: *made toast once* Raph: *banned from the kitchen*

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April: You’re too later, Superdorks! You'll never stop me now! Raph: That’s where you’re wrong, evildoer! We WILL stop you, with the powers of: Mikey: Friendship! Leo: Harmony! Donnie: Incredible violence. Raph: And love!

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April: You three, explain right now! Donnie: It was Leo. Mikey: It was Leo. Raph: It was Leo. Leo: Leo: …fuck.

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Donnie: All right, y'all! Let's take a vote! Raph: A secret vote. Everyone close your eyes. *the Squad closes their eyes* Mikey: We don't see the result! Raph: Well, just say your vote out loud. April: Won't we recognize each other's voices? Leo: Raph has a point.

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Raph: Problem, I can't tell if this food is over-sauced or undercooked. April: Solution, just pop it back in the oven for another 10 minutes. There's at least a 50% chance that'll fix it, right? Donnie: Result? Food has somehow become unpleasantly soggy and unpleasantly crunchy at the exact same time. Leo: No better time than this to pull out my favorite word! Slunchy! Mikey: ...put it away.

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April: That's it, you're grounded! Raph, no adventures for you! Leo, no fighting for you! Mikey, no stealing for you! And Donnie... oh my god, is there anything that you love? Donnie: Revenge. April: No vengeance for you. Donnie: I was going to say "I'll get you for this," but I guess that's off the table.

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Raph: What makes you all smile? Mikey: Friends and Family. April: Snacks. Leo: Victory and success. Donnie: Face muscles.

(omg their name colours formed a rainbow here :D)

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Raph: I truly hate it here <3 Donnie: Now replace “it” with “women”. Not so funny now, is it? Mikey: Now replace “it” with “women”. Not so funny now, is women? Leo: Now replace “funny” with “women”. Not so women now, is funny? April: I’m having a fucking stroke. Mikey: Now replace “stroke” with “baby”. Congratulations!

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Okay that's enough for now haha! If you want more incorrect quotes that I generated you can find them here!

Will likely do more of these once I'm bored again :)

[darkfictionjude]

At anyone saying that a romanced Dante doesn't love Luce or whatever: y'all do not understand his character/romance a different character/love will not suddenly make him a morally pure character.

I'm also getting more than a little exhausted of ppl referring to a Luce who can get pregnant only as 'her'. People other than cis women can potentially get pregnant, it costs y'all nothing to just use 'they' unless you're talking about your Luce (i.e. a very specific version of Luce) in particular.

Author, you have far more patience than I do to be able to deal with this multiple times (first Nia, then Carmen, and now Dante. Idk how you do it)

I guess it’s easier for me to use they as I view my mcs as having hundreds of different faces, skin colours, genders and sexes while players view them as whatever gender they play them as

Yeah you don’t like his stance which is respectable and understandable because it is a very heavy topic. But for those who are romancing him, I want to make clear that he is devoted to Luce entirely and would find it revolting to ever have children with anyone else even if Luce physically could not give him all those kids not for lack of trying he would still be in love with them and stay with them, you’ll just adopt or get a surrogate

But if that’s not comfortable for you, and you want a male RO there’s a red headed cutie over there

I do it because I adore my readers 😭 but I do feel like sometimes people don’t know how far I can go with fucked up shit 😭

[warcorrespondence]

But like, what if Nix was...a dragon?

From The Court of Gale and Iron by Muccamukk

fandom: band of brothers

pairing: winnix

teen, 43679 words

I am sorry to report that there is no dragon fucking. It is a giant pity, and we were all deprived.

However! This fic was so much fun. It's a crossover au with The Books of the Raksura by Martha Wells, which I have not read but now very much want to. I'm sure that if I had read them I'd have enjoyed the fic all the more, but Mucca did a great job with ensuring that I had everything I needed without that context.

Nix is a dragon, y'all. He's a dragon. And yet he remains completely, utterly, inescapably Nix, in all his never fired a weapon in combat, nothing but the best for Mrs. Nixon's baby boy greatness.

And the best part is he stays a dragon pretty much the whole time. He's captured by the Currahee forces in dragon form, and they don't know that he has the ability to take groundling (human-ish) form. He stays Dragon!Nix to protect himself, even as he gets to know a certain Captain Winters, with whom he gradually forms a kind of trust, then friendship, then something more.

In Nix's culture, sex is something you just do, with whoever, whenever. It's comforting and nice. This is not, as you might imagine, something our beloved Dick Winters could really wrap his head around with a fellow human, much less with a dragon that he is, somehow, feeling an inexplicable attraction for.

It's downright glorious. This scene, right here? I can't stop thinking about it, and every time I do I fall over cackling with glee:

It seemed to Nix that it would be a good idea if they were clear about what they were trying to do, before sorting out the details. "I think you're very pretty, and I want to have sex with you, Winters," Nix said. Winters slumped forward, burying his face in his hands. He made an inarticulate sound that Nix read as an indication of distress, and backed away a little. Attempting to clarify the situation, it seemed, had not been a good choice. Nix had to admit that stung. He'd thought he and Winters were getting along pretty well. Had Winters been Raksura, they'd have had sex the night before, and called that that. Nix had heard that other species spent much more time and effort agonising over who was allowed to have sex with whom, but he hadn't quite believed it until now. Why bother? What in the Three Worlds was the point? However much of a stick in the mud Winters was turning out to be, Nix was risking the only friend he had in Currahee by messing this up. "I'm sorry," he said slowly, trying to think what to say. "I didn't understand. I thought you were interested." Winters groaned, but dropped his hands so that he could look at Nix. His skin had become pale, and Nix really needed a guide for what these colour changing groundlings meant. "No." Winters was speaking just as deliberately as Nix. Was he scared too? "No. You, uh, you're right, Nix. I am interested. I guess I'm just not very good at this kind of thing." He tried to smile, but his face seemed frozen in embarrassment, and his lips only twitched up briefly before flattening into a thin, miserable line.

Rest assured, Dick's misery and Nix's confusion do not last, and this interspecies love affair is resolved in a way that feels thoughtful and sweet, as well as right and true.

[whitestopper]

Ranking Lego Ninjago protagonists' design changes

Cole - It seems like a good maturation of his boy band hairstyle without wildly changing its texture or colour. Good of them to keep his eyebrows too!

Lloyd - Also decent, but I feel inclined to rank him lower than Cole because of the eye colour change. We get it, he's the green ninja. Eyebrows were a change about which I don't care much.

Kai - I certainly recognised that it was Kai. I know this is a kid's show but his new hairstyle felt... overly childish? Idk if that was about wanting a less pointy design for the toys, but plenty of lego figures have/had rubber hair, so I don't know what they were trying to fix. At least they kept his hair colour? I like the little details on his face too.

Zane - Again, I certainly recognised that it was Zane (mostly because surely they wouldn't give two guy robots the same hairstyle). But also again, we get it, he's a robot. I think this is extra heavy-handed with the vocal effects.

Nya - Quite a wild change, I didn't really recognise her. I think if they had kept her straight bangs, it wouldn't have felt so weird. I like the beauty mark on face rep, I guess.

Jay - The freckles? The darker hair? I'll be really honest, I got back into Ninjago because I saw a Tiktok joke edit about Jay fucking femboys and then it cut to his redesign - y'all, I thought that they were two different characters. BOO! 🍅🍅🍅

[fandxmslxt69]

PSA

Hi I didn't think I needed to say this but if you don't like something about my blog, about me, or how it's run, then just like...unfollow? I made a post some few days ago about Islamophobia because of a comment an asshole left, and I guess said asshole thought it would be funny to come bother me in my askbox too mentioning how it's "not a big deal" and bringing up a couple muslim-centric fics I wrote a little while back and how I "should be writing with all kinds of readers" and then a couple more asks followed.

I'm gonna say it right now because I'm also seeing a lot of other friends getting bothered by assholes:

I can write whatever the fuck I want.

There are two people who run this blog, but since I'm here more often, I'm gonna direct this post about my shit primarily.

I'm Muslim. I'm Arab. I'm a woman of colour and if I want to write fanfiction that speaks to me then I can do that and if you don't like it then i dunno what you want me to do. Most of the x reader stuff I do write is open- it's just a female reader. What's wrong if for the one or two times, I decide I want to write something purely self-indulgent?

I write those for me and for the other people out there who don't see muslim rep in fanfiction and want it.

It was meant for me and them first and foremost, and then everyone else who wants to read it.

If you don't like that, then go find a different blog to read from! I post once in a blue moon because it takes me a while to build up courage to actually post something of my writing, it's a big insecurity, and some of y'all throwing shit about it literally doesn't help anyone.

Anyway, this applies to pretty much everywhere else- if you don't like something about a blog, then just leave? I'm seeing way too many really good people and writers given shit just for the stuff they write, and I'm sick of it honestly. This is a very small blog, so I didn't think there'd be a point right now where someone stupid enough would come and cause problems but I guess I doubted the audacity of some people.

Anyway, leave everyone alone, be responsible for your own internet experience, and don't bother people just because you don't like something.

Thanks I guess,

-Clem

[vintagelacerosette]

Tag game Tuesday ✨️

I was tagged by these sunshines Macy @celestialmickey Jay @surviving-maybe Evie @energievie Ling @lingy910y Ri @tanktopgallavich Deanna @deedala Harvey @mikhailoisbaby Deena @suzy-queued Kaka @stocious Laurel @lupeloto thank youuuu 💝

Name: Myn

Age: 26

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Ohhh I clocked in around 8, which is pretty good but also bc i wasn't feeling pretty good lol

Which do you use more: tumblr mobile or desktop? More mobile gotta have my online besties in my pocket 🥰

A hobby you’d like to pick up: Ohhh so many things I'd love to do animation but for a physical craft I bought my niece a crochet mushroom at a Con & it was sooo cool.

If you were a crayon, what colout would you be? The pink you see in the sky during a sunrise 🩷

What was your average screen time last week? what are you, a fed? Holy fuck 10 hours & 32 min but to be fair I put youtube on the background & do stuff!!! And it's 16min less than last week lmao 😅

A song you put on every playlist: Like Jay I don't really do playlists. I usually pick an artist I love & listen to an album over & over again lol

Favourite holiday: I don't really have one I guess I'd say Xmas bc I love gifting ppl stuff

Something on your bucket list: Meeting y'all my internet friends, make an animation & write fanfic

You’re invited to a costume party, what are you dressing up as? I'd love to do an anime character bc cosplaying is fun. I'd go with someone with a fun hair colour & outfit. Ichigo from Tokyo Mew Mew

What show takes up the most space in your brain? It's a little something that starting with Shame & ends with less. Can't help it those husbands got me locked down 🥰

and finally, share something you’re looking forward to: Getting my driver's licence doing a test tomorrow wish me luck loves 🍀Barbie movie bc I'm gonna go barbie mode for my birthday at the end of the month 🎀

I'll tag these sweetpeas if they wanna play 💕 @scarcrosseduntouched @ian-galagher @jomilky @auds-and-evens @callivich @rereadanon @sweetbee78 @beebabycastiel-main @y0itsbri @whaticameherefor @good-then-dont @chicanomick @mikcrymilkovich @look-i-love-u @you-are-so-much-better-than-that @milkmaidovich @darthvaders-wife @psychicskulldamage @gallavichgeek @transmickey @creepkinginc @mishervellous @crossmydna @deathclassic @you-show-me-love @annatrow @7x10mickey @lalazeewrites

[taffywabbit]

ok story time let's go

(i guess CW// religious baggage? vaguely cult-y stuff? Mormons?)

so i was laughing at that (presumably bait) tweet that got screenshotted and reposted on here, with the person claiming that y'all is a problematic term used by "bigoted southerners" and someone else dunking on them, because I'm Canadian and I say y'all ALL the time. and like, that by itself wouldn't be too notable - there ARE rural areas of Canada, particularly over in Alberta/Saskatchewan, where the local accent and slang have convergently evolved into something very similar to Texas (and I DID actually grow up in a town like that, though i never picked up the accent myself).

what makes my adoption of y'all particularly odd is that I picked it up in the Caribbean of all places. if you are familiar with my Not-So-Secret Tragic Backstory then you MIGHT know where this is going already.

I was raised in a Mormon family, so when I was 18 i was basically required to go do the missionary thing with the white shirts and ties and nametags. (this is very funny considering my current status as a gay trans furry artist and leftist, but this story isn't really about that.) I got assigned a random location in the world, and was shipped off to the Eastern Caribbean for 2 years. it was very hot and sweaty and overall not a very good time for me, the world's blondest palest scrawniest teen who would have to walk around all day every day in office attire.

ANYWAYS a few months after my mission began, we got a new mission president (the old guy assigned by the church to be in charge of all the missionaries in a region, along with his wife). while he was generally a pretty jovial friendly guy, he also had an occasional tendency to powertrip and institute random arbitrary rule changes whenever he felt that the missionaries weren't performing as well as he'd like and the numbers were down. with missionaries, there's a huge focus on "exact obedience" and "consecration" - this idea that the more single-mindedly devoted you are to Doing Missionary Stuff and Thinking About Jesus and Never Having A Single Fucking Independent Thought In Your Head Or Taking Care Of Your Personal Wellbeing Or Enjoying Yourself, the more god will bless you with like. charisma superpowers or something. to just change people's minds on the spot as you blast them with your Conversion Beam. and therefore anytime that ISN'T happening (y'know, because people have free will, and also because being Mormon is wildly unappealing to any reasonable outsider), it clearly MUST be because those darn young punk missionaries are probably thinking too much about their partners back home or drawing Pokemon fanart or collecting distractingly colourful neckties. can't have that!

so with all that context, I can finally get to the point, which is that one day our mission president decided the reason nobody was knocking on our apartment door begging to get baptized was probably because we, as missionaries, were too casual in our interactions with one another. specifically, he took issue with missionaries calling each other "dude" or "bro" or "man", or referring to each other collectively as "you guys". he insisted that this was "eroding the dignity of our sacred calling as missionaries" and that we should instead strive to call each other "Elder" and "Sister" (the titles used for male and female missionaries respectively) as much as humanly possible.

specifically as an alternative to "you guys", he suggested we start saying "Elders and Sisters" every time we addressed a mixed group of missionaries. which OBVIOUSLY sounds really fucking stupid. and I was in a leadership position at the time, so I had to deliver instruction/training to the missionaries in my area every week AND call them to check-in every night. being a missionary and constantly being commanded to do incredibly stupid arbitrary things really brought out my latent rebellious streak, and there was NO fucking way I was going to say "Elders and Sisters" if i could avoid it - the only people who actually complied with the new rule were immediately identifiable as goody-two-shoes and suck-ups and everyone wanted to push them into the ocean.

so INSTEAD, i and several other missionaries quickly realized that we could simply get away with saying "you all" or just plural "you" with like, a hand gesture to show we meant the group. which naturally just evolved into y'all pretty quickly because it's an incredibly natural contraction of words and it just feels good to say. and the mission president never complained about it, because we weren't using cool youngster slang like "guys" or "dudes" and instead it just sounded like a fun twangy rural affectation. and then i just kinda kept saying it for the rest of my mission, and continued saying it after i returned home and went off to college in the city and all that jazz.

...absolutely no clue where I picked up saying "howdy" all the time tho. i don't have an excuse or backstory for that one lol, it's just fun to say