#GIVE MY BOY DR SIMON SOME LOVE

[residentmara]

dont use this without my permission.

[vickozone]

The Magnus Archives

-S5 Notes-

<- previous notes

Handwriting translated below:

#161 old memories, tape that Gertrude should have gave them, Jon says “I love you”, they don’t need to eat to live

#162 Gertrude and Gerry bonding, Tim and Sasha talking about a very relevant subject and Jon and Martin are leaving the safe house.

#163 [VIETNAM FLASHBACKS] [BAGPIPES INTENSIFY]

#164 Gross statement about an infection in a town and Helen talking to Jon and Martin like a proud aunt is beautiful. “I knew you crazy kids would make it work!”

#165 “Ceaseless Watcher, turn your gaze upon this wretched thing.” The Stranger statement. Not!Sasha messed up!!

#166 Martin suddenly is on a murder episode and a dude turned into a worm. Helen says “Slay!”

#167 “Yes, Martin, you are my reason.” Sweet bonding and why Gertrude didn’t have anymore assists.

#168 “I’m not going to kill a man just because you’re jealous!” “Why not?” Oh, Martin. Oliver Banks shall live another day and we are crossing The End domain

#169 Let’s willingly run into a burning building, disregarding your boyfriend and getting revenge together! Jude is now dead and Martin was just struggling in the background. He chose revenge over his boyfriend. Interesting. “We’re burning!”

#170 “I’m Martin Blackwood, and I am not lonely anymore!” “Oh… Hello!”

#171 No way I just spent 23 minutes listening to Jon talk about skin flowers in a botanical garden. “That your boyfriend?” “It is, actually.” “Oh.”

#172 Creepy theatre show that made me genuinely uncomfortable with The Web

#173 Where do you think all of the children went? That’s right! The Dark with Callum! Yay!

#174 Simon calling Jon killing him “rude” is hilarious and immediately dipping is iconic. Weird Vast domain with big explosions. Helen loves some good gossip.

#175 The Extinction items, hate for umbrellas, and Martin’s squelchy couch. We’re going to The Hunt next. Oh no.

#176 Adoptive uncle Trevor and Julia are dead. AWESOME HUNT STATEMENT! And we got Basira! :D

#177 ‘Dr. David’ Jon is so hot. This episode has so many trigger warnings. Helen is so silly. Basira is rad, staying with her boys. Won’t let them have a moment tho

#178 More Flesh. Gross processing line and Jon admits that the thing that traumatized him the most was Daisy going to kill him in the woods. Poor babies.

#179 Daisy is shot and killed. Basira is on her own and I have a reason to give Jon a cane.

#180 I have never felt more serene in my life. I can’t even describe it. I was smiling, giggling, and everything feels okay. Salesa and Annabelle are here and I love Salesa’s voice and HE CAN PLAY THE PIANO! Teaholding fluff, om nom nom, this episode is one of my favorites. The I-Spy game <3

#181 They decide to stay at Upton House for a bit longer before leaving. Jon feels his powers again and forgets the whole experience of ignorance. Pity. Seemed like a nice place. I like Salesa.

#182 Anatomy Class student hospital and Breekon asks Jon to kill him. I feel bad for him. :(

#183 “I’m sure I love you.” “I love you too.” THEY SAID IT!! Helen was concerned for them. She’s like a wine aunt who acts motherly to them. Also, Martin’s domain…

#184 Jon made Jordan an entity. That’s a lotta ants! Jon is just… so complicated.

#185 Ouch. Police brutality and wrongful imprisonment are rough subjects. That guy pleading out to Martin HURT. Martin is… somewhere at the end. Alone again, oh, Jonny, I feel horrible.

#186 Martin went from being a joke in Jon’s anger to being one of the most well-developed characters. He is either going to kill himself of Jon. Martin legit talks to himself. Statement made me cry. This better end with them being happy together.

#187 HELEN! D: Aw, man… I liked her. That poor woman. Calm down, Jon! Helen was their friend till the end. Dang it, that was a nail-biter.

#188 We’re in London now! Eyes, man. They’re everywhere. We grieve for Helen a bit. Did I mention EYES?

#189 MEL AND GEORGIE! OMG! They… made a cult and can hide from The Eye. Great.

#190 Fresh take on modern dating! Antichrist plus one! Archivist mocks poems, beloved pet turned monster, and a blind prophet

#191 Jon sleeps with his eyes open. Georgie wants to avenge her cat (I think I’ve seen this film before), mystery can, and Jon and Martin discuss death. Sobbing atm.

#192 Rosie is literally just going with the flow. It’s weird to see someone else’s perspective on things. Jonah’s incantation is awesome and gosh, I love Martin

#193 Elias 'high as a kite' Bouchard’s origins. Jonah’s distorted voice is hot.

#194 THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT D: After a gruesome metamorphosis statement, Jon tried to find Martin to apologize only to find he was taken to HILL TOP FREAKIN ROAD

#195 Just Basira and Jon, catching up and trudging through water. Omg. The Mr. Spider tape.

#196 Earth shattering rip-in-space time crap. Annabelle is wicked cool. Martin keeps getting sucked into things AND THE TAPES!! ASDFEKGLZMV

#197 MARTIN! ANNABELLE! TAPES! THE LIGHTER! INTER-DIMENSIONAL PIT! WE NEED TO DESTROY JONAH AND THE EYE SIMULTANEOUSLY! LES GO!

#198 If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you too? Ew, bones reforming. Chill ep. Silly.

#199 Group agrees on plan after ten minute discussion. Martin consulting Jon while he cries in his arms HURT!! Also, Mel thanks Jon. This is going to end horribly, isn’t it?

#200 Statement ends.

Crying tally: |||| |||| (I cried ten [10] times listening to this stupid podcast)

[respiteresponse]

dream needs to wear an emo collar choker asap. clawing at the walls thinking about it

my tierlist for scenemo items dream should wear:

F Tier: skinny jeans. HEAR ME OUT. his wide leg mall goth nu metal dragging on the floor catching under the heel of his shoe slay just fits him so well and as much as i would love to see his legs encapsulated by splitting fringing black denim i think his giant jeans are a statement and make him extra moe. he should wear more ripped and black jeans though ! ! !

D Tier: beanies and snapbacks. he already rocks the cat dreanies near daily and with the mask coming into the picture and everything being so joever for us hair appreciators, as sexy as he is with his beanies on and his curls peaking out me personally i just love when his whole ice cream scoop hair is on display ! can be improved with some rainbow cheetah print hair extensions and or a tiara : ) !

C Tier: off the hip belts, preferably studded. this is one of my most favorite and hottest things a person can do with their outfit ESP if theyre scenemo leaning but its not essential to make the scenemo kid style shine through. i can even accept some more normie type stuff like bb simons so long as its styled appropriately ! ! ! a want but not a need.

B Tier: tight fitted tees/band tees. droobs tastefully hidden behind an edgy stretched and distorted logo for pierce the veil or sleeping with sirens most likely purchased at hot topic 10 years ago, snatched waist on display for the whole world to admire and for george to grab WITH the added bonus that short sleeve shirts have a tendency to rise up due to their fit, so we could realistically even expect a glimpse of tummy and or boxers peaking out which only enhances the visuals on display. and his ARMS. preferably covers and curated by bracelets exclusively bought from spencers or gifted by fans if not by an either complimentary or uncomplimentary long sleeve/hoodie underneath.

A tier: eyeliner. a well understood and universally accepted staple in the scenemo community. and really the more the better ! ! a tasteful swipe of black pencil drug store eyeliner on the waterline of dreams bottom lids could only improve upon his looks as a 6'2" boy with glossy doe eyes and pink lips . but then you add to it, upper waterline to match the bottom, expand unto the skin of the eyelids, perhaps even try a wing if were feeling daring ! in an exceptionally crazy occasion we could go full raccoon, black from tail end of his eyebrow down to the start of where the crease of his bottom lid lies. he could eat jeffree stars ex scene queen ass up in about 0.5 nano seconds with that and some fake lashes, but thats just me ! irregardless, something so casual as a little makeup can go a long way in making someone hot 100x hotter 😋

S Tier: facial piercings. the possibilities here are quite literally endless. we start simple with nose, a ring through the nostril is a classic, super simple everyone is doing it, could have one of those and pass for someone who doesnt know jack shit about i set my friends on fire or dot dot curve, but then you go a little lower and things start to get fun. with a lip piercing, you can basically signal to any and everyone that youre an edgy kind of guy, not just anyone will put a needle through one of the most prominent and noticeable features of their face! dolphin bites, snake bites, shark bites, spider bites, literally any animal biting your lips will up your status as a queen of the scene. bonus points for a monroe or a tongue piercing, xxxxxtra hot imo😁 moving back up bridge is also a good option, particularly edgy and tough to find on anyone in day to day life, would give dream some uniqueness as if he was already in any need of that. eyebrow is always a safe option, anti eyebrow, tear drop etc all very very cool. but the most ultimate piercingf for dream in my opinion would be a simple yet head turning cheek piercing. a common factor to be found in most all of my scenemo dream drawings, it simply seems like it makes obvious sense for the guy whos whole branding is smiles to have piercings wear his dimples are ! ! when he smiles, the sun will not only catch on his astoundingly straight white teeth, but also on that of the jelwery adorning where his dimples lie.

GOD TIER:

[hazelcephalopod]

My review of DnD: Honor Among Thieves:

Tl;dr: overall I liked it -I was side eying a lot of the dragon arc. Also, surprisingly- needed more magic. Druids are full casters, Bards are full casters, Paladins are half casters! Did Holga even rage?

Also I fully thought Simon was secretly an artificer actually, for 1/3 of the movie.

For a movie it was good fun. I enjoyed that it didn’t take itself too seriously, and the characters felt like dnd characters yet in a good way? Which is really hard to do without it becoming too campy and while I like camp not everyone does. The story was simple but fitting, because it felt like a dnd campaign. In terms of character and story it was pretty spot on. Except one thing, more bisexuality needed.

Now for the cons (aka DnD nerd nitpicks DnD movie the for #1,000,057th time)-

As a lifeline fan on DnD, both the game and the settings most especially Faerûn -I was introduced to to Faerûn when I was like 8 folkx. My dad played 3.5 and maybe even earlier additions. I have many 3.5 books and have played a little of that edition, 4th, and quite a bit of 5th. I watch so much rpg and dnd specifically actual plays and I criticize them and love them. And criticize the critics. So. Where were the classes? Where was the lore? What is best boy Xenk a Paladin of?? It doesn’t have to be a god, but tbh, imo not having gods is a fucking waste! It’s Faerûn! Faerûn is drowning in gods, sometimes literally! Throw a rock and you’ll unearth some gods bs. Was Mystra, goddess of magic and more importantly bffs/gf/child/it’s very complicated of Elminster “what if I became a woman? And enjoyed it! Again!” Aumar even mentioned? (Yea mfers I read DnD books. And wikis!) (also reminder he is Simons great-great-great(?) grandfather, so the opportunity was there)

Also, I know that Tieflings can be typical skin tones or whatever. However two things 1) why did she have elf ears? Two… damn those parents where whimps she coulda passed for human, or part elven very, very easily. Also I’m sry but total waste to make her look like tiefling Keyleth CR. Give her some weird color, even if it’s just like blue freckles or something. Next-ly , when the soldiers are chasing her I guess I could accept she rolled a nat one. Multiple times. But how did they know she was a she? And why call her a “wild shape” and not a “Druid”. Bc calling her a wild shape, like shouting “Wild shape!” While chasing her? it… it Was. A bit. Weird. Moving oon…

More egregious was the strange lack of magic, when there’s was also so much magic. Half of Simons spells are from strange little objects, which is why I thought he might be a secret artificier or maybe multiclassed. For a minute I thought he was an eldritch trickster! However that’s relatively minor -actually I was a little disappointed he wasn’t an artificer, because they are cool and I love strange little magic devices and trinkets. Which, in comparison to no one else using magic except to become trademark animals and many non trademarked ones. Why would they not want people to know that druids, and bards, AND paladins, HAVE MAGIC?!? Don’t tell me they are too low level. I saw Xenk fight! Paladin Yendar is at least level 7. At least! (Maybe 6… but 7 is already a stretch tbh.) The rest? Bards have magic at level one, as do druids. And Druid Doric the Wild Shape was at least level 5 herself thank you. So no! Rejected, they where mid ranged level at least! Where’s the magic! Hmm!?

Imho they could have solved this several ways. (You can choose whichever combination you prefer). 1. Instead of uh, Bard (looks up his name) Edgin (lol) Darvis make him a mastermind Rogue or something. 2. If not, have him do spells but when Simon points it out everyone is like “no but that’s different because it’s music magic. Duh”. 3. Same thing for Doric, “no she can’t do it because she only has nature magic. It’s different”. 4. Hilariously, make Doric also terrible at casting spells. 5. I wanted Holga to rage more. I’m sry. Fighters can do everything she did and idc. Make it look magic or something. 6. Same with Xenk. Where was the brandishing his holy symbol and doing some magic? Bc I was like “wait is he just a high level fighter? Or rogue/fighter” (Which would have been funny to me) (ok I checked. He casts a spell on his sword once. Which I missed completely. Makes no difference to my point. Eldritch knight or trickster could do similar)

So that’s my review. If you made it this far good job. Tbh, I think I just know too much about Dnd, because otherwise I quite enjoyed this movie. I kinda hope they make more of them, so the studios better fucking learn to respect their workers and negotiate.

PS: Maybe we could do without the fat jokes next time. Or ever again.

PPS: srsly they better learn to negotiate. Because we have we have other options and I can watch countless actual plays for thousands of hours. And waiting the strike out so long people are starting to lose housing and probably worse? Well, there’s plenty of creator owned projects to provide more support to instead. (TBC- I mean if you can do that anyway but, like stop giving the assholes the support and distribute those funds to the creators)

[positivelybeastly]

Characterisation

This is just a collection of notes regarding the way I play Beast and the few deviations from canon that I have. For the most part, probably 90-95% of what you see on panel that Hank has done, my Hank has also done, because I love the fact that this man has gone to the Dr. Seuss dimension and hung out with a Transformers character in canon, but there are one or two exceptions.

Feline Hank

Grant Morrison's New X-Men and the fake coming out. I write Hank as bisexual demiromantic, meaning he enjoys sex with more than one gender, and will engage in romantic relationships with anyone he has a strong emotional connection to. I personally read Hank as somewhat closeted during the early stages of his life, and Simon Williams, aka Wonder Man, was something of a wake-up call to the fact that he was not entirely straight.

As a result, if you bring this up with my Hank, he came out as gay around about seven years ago (current Hank is 37, for context), and clarified his bisexuality to the press not long after. I love Morrison's characterisation of Hank, but the fake coming out was just gross on many levels and I genuinely believe not only that it hurt Hank's character, but that it's a misread of his sexuality. If you want more on this, please check here.

Post-Intervention

This is a whole messed up ass situation because I'm one of the few people who genuinely thinks that Hank wouldn't have done the whole time travel thing to begin with (really just not his style), but there's some good conversations to be had about it, so you can assume that everything that happened on panel happened, just less - Bendis-y.

Also, this Hank knows magic because unlike every other damn X-writer, I actually remember that he's meant to remember everything baby human Hank did while he was in the present.

Avengers

He's my funny goodtime boy, no notes.

X-Force

This is the big one.

Ben Percy's version of Beast sucks balls and while I would have loved it if we could have avoided going full supervillain, we're here now, and while I don't like how it happened, Hank is not a saint and it's interesting to grapple with his psychology, so we're doing it but different.

This version of Beast is essentially undergoing a long, stable, controlled dissociative episode and is not what you would call sane. It's the only real way his characterisation makes sense.

In my headcanon, Abigail Brand, his longtime girlfriend, died and was resurrected while pregnant during the events of David Haller's X-Men Legacy, losing the child in the process, and finding out that his offspring had essentially been wiped from existence before he even knew about it has drained Hank of all his remaining warmth and optimism. He fundamentally does not believe that the world, or people, or life, is good anymore.

This is not an excuse.

I'm not here to give you some 2012 Loki apologism or say that he didn't do anything bad. He did. But going from where he was last in canon, in Rosenberg's Astonishing X-Men and Uncanny Avengers, to X-Force, it's the only justifiable reason he changed so much and so hard, and it's the only way the snap makes sense to me with existing canon information.

Your character does not know about this. If Hank has his way, your character will never know about this because it's not your damn business.

This version of Beast does not consider himself to be Hank McCoy anymore. He does not immediately answer to Hank, and he will never refer to himself as Hank in his internal narration. He has completely separated himself into Hank (dead) and Beast (alive - just about) because it simply hurts less and allows him to exert some degree of control over his life. He does not care what happens to him, his body, or his reputation anymore. There is only making sure that everyone else in his life is safe. Everything is expendable in pursuit of that goal.

The Irredeemable Beast

Naturally, this is going to lead to conflict.

It's also worth noting that while this version of Hank is on the plumper side, he is still physically able, agile, and a danger in a fight. I'm tired of Hank being written as useless in combat just because he's smart and smart people aren't good at fighting, which feels like it's been the case for a while now. He isn't a jobber for Kraven the Hunter.

My fic covering what this version of Hank is like, what he's doing, and what he's about.

In a nutshell, he was psychically reset back in Wolverine #35 by Jean Grey, and came back . . . mostly whole, just before the Hellfire Gala massacre. He knows he's beyond redemption, but he's going to try and do good anyway.

His mutation has changed once more, this time into a grey furred form with an accelerated, Wolverine-esque healing factor, and while he is stable, he still has underlying issues and psychological problems that will make him not the Hank you may know.

Dark Beast and Battle of the Atom

Pretty much exactly what you see on panel, though Dark Beast is obviously not a head in a jar on Sinister's desk when we interact because well yeah he wouldn't be.

No matter how sexually charged that is.

This is the basic gist of it! There are obviously a ton of other details and headcanons and such that I haven't mentioned because there's just so much, but these are the main canon divergences I can think of. If I think of anything else, they will be added to this post.

[gutsfics]

what are your headcanons for the hss prime characters after high school? who goes to college? what do they major in? for any that don't go to college, what do they do instead? any post-high school romance hcs? anything else you want to share?

ok so first of all, my prime world takes place begining in 2014, with Simon being a sophmore when he becomes a student at Berry High so he & most of the other main characters graduate in 2016, with choices hss taking place the year after in 2017, so the only prime students still attending Berry High during the events of choices hss are Mia and Katherine (also pb was wrong for breaking them up and never putting Katherine in choices 💞)

as for majors/the futures of these characters (in no particular order) (also not all of these r as thought out as others) (also also im not doing every a-lister or whatever the fuck hss prime calls them. thats too much man. if u wanna know about em ask about em seperately):

Ezra would take a few courses at a community college so he has at least a little college experience before he signs back on with.... whatever record label the band had signed on w in the story i forgor. he plays guitar for Lisa Valentine and also has his own solo career, but every now and then Kingslayer will put out an album together when they all have the time to. he marries Wes in Vegas while on tour to give Wes an alibi for something, but they've had feelings for each other for a while. Eventually Simon joins their relationship & the three of them raise a kid together

Payton would get a degree in communications and become an events coordinator. every time a friend (from high school or otherwise) says they want to have some kind of event, she always tries to plan it for free or discounted but they convince her to take the money lol also she and her partner are foster parents!!!

for Koh, i love how in choices she decides to do premed in community college!! i think she eventually does her residancy at Edenbrook, where the only attending she respects is one Dr Baxter Lucafont, for the time they stole from a big pharma company to help a paitent that wasn't even their's (also all the doctors that helped them pull it off, but in a different way). also Zaid and Esme. i can see them being friends lol

Kallie gets a degree in library science and becomes a capital L Librarian in Boston, where she and Koh reconnect & start dating <3

also like in choices canon (but this was mentioned in prime a few times as well) Wes' intention is to go to law school and study criminal justice, but it kind of... takes a while for him to do it. while he's in community college for undergrad, he just kind of gets an antsy feeling that he could be doing things to help people now instead of waiting around to get a degree, so he drops out for a bit to do what he can, even if it isnt technically """legal""". he starts looking back into it after he and Ezra get married, but he pauses again when they (+ Simon) have their kid bc he doesn't want to be the kind of dad that his own father was. he does go back to community college during this time, but he does as much of it as he can online so he can be a sahd until their son is old enough to not need him around so much. then he fucking kills it in law school (he doesnt go to one of those fancy schmancy ivy leauges though, just a state university) and becomes an associate at Ricci, Lee, Tanaka

Julian gets a scholarship to do football in college, and while he is good enough to be scouted for professional teams, he isn't sure if its what he wants to do beyond school. he's always been Macho Football Boy, but he's not sure if that's all he wants to be forever, yknow? like he's smart. not Nishan, straight a's, 4.0 gpa smart but he's never at risk to lose his scholarship bc his acedemics are too low. i might change my mind on it later, but i think he might get a degree in physical education (& he's good at it. none of that "run the mile. no i wont tell you how to stretch or keep yourself from hurting yourself. just go as fast as you can" bs, he actually teaches his students how to work out safely and correctly, bc working out can be fun if you know what you're doing)

Autumn would go at Hollywood U, bc while it is mostly a film school, it does have some very good classes in the classical arts and photography. i don't have much of an idea of what she'd do beyond that though. its Autumn! what else is there to say. (also my version of Autumn isnt whitewashed to hell and back like she is by the time she's in choices ill forever be mad about that)

Mia would become a manager. Ezra's manager! i think she'd get her degree at HWU as well. she and Katherine would take a breif break from dating each other but ultimately they'd get married. no kids, but they are the Cool Aunts to their friends kids

Katherine would double major in English and Music and become a playwrite professionally. Mia is her manager as well <3 sometimes she and Ezra will collab on a musical together

Nishan will get as many STEM degrees as fast as he can. dude has like 5 phds and hasnt slept since high school. he eventually gets an author husband who he met online bc said author husband was curious about how some science thing worked so he could write it correctly for a science fiction novel. i literally just invented his author husband so i know nothing about him yet. but i did misspell the word "him" so i think his name will be Jim

Sakura gets a degree in computer science and starts her own indie video game company. its very successful

Ace gets into an ivy league college and gets a degree in political science, then works his way up from local politics to national politics. he's still trying to get Simon to run for president.

Max also gets a football scholarship at the same college as Julian, but he stays with football professionally though. i think he'd be at risk to losing the scholarship due to grades bc he was able to coast through high school thanks to Dad Principal so he enlists Julian to help him. Julian eventually begrudgingly agrees and they tolerate each other until graduation. at some between starting college and graduating, he and Simon will end up back in Cedar Cove together and become.... well friends with benefits isnt the right term because theyre not friends. i think he'd fall for Simon but Simon would be like "ummm.no" and cut the relationship off there

Kara goes to HWU and becomes an actress. at first she and Autumn mostly just ignore each other bc while she stopped bullying her they're not exactly friends. until they get paired up for a project they both have a class in & gradually become friends. and then girlfriends.

and now Simon. my guy. my boy. Si-guy. Slimeon. my son. he graduates high school a little early so he can focus on his gymnastics career and go to the Olympics. he does really good. good enough to place bronze his first year. but also his first year compeating, he breaks his foot real bad about half way through his routine. he doesnt realize until someone points it out to him though, he thinks he just landed a little funny and pulled a muscle. during the time his foot is healing is when he and Max have their weird little gay thing and also he decides that he doesn't want to keep doing gymnastics professionally. it was fun, but he's ready for something else now. he kind of just does whatever he wants, from working in haunted houses, to acting, to joining Ezra on tour and playing the violin during some concerts. mostly though he's Wes and Ezra's trophy boyfriend and dad #3 to their son

and i think thats everyone? lol lmao

[daisychainsandbowties]

Hi, hello! I was wondering if you'd be okay with sharing any titles for math theory books you're really into? I'm considering a shift in my teaching and would like to brush up on some more. I just finished "Revolutionary Mathematics: Artificial Intelligence, Statistics and the Logic of Capitalism" but I realized I've been focusing a lot on stats/machine learning/society. I'm open to anything, just want to round out more of my self-studying. I'm starting "Meeting the Universe Halfway" soon (well again, because I wasn't in the right headspace for it before lol).

i’ll preface this by saying i don’t really read incredible quantities of commercial nonfiction about mathematics. usually i pick up something from the university library or just blunder up to one of the math profs & they send me away with a pat on the head and a nice little book to read. plus my interest is more in physics than pure math.

these are basically the ones i’ve read on kindle because it’d be amazing if i ever wrote down the titles of books i read but i don’t

not all are really strictly math books but they’re usually trying their best. the singh & strogatz books i liked because they’re fun & give that autistic thrill of reading information you already know but in a different way.

i love the riemann hypothesis & while the sautoy book isn’t the best ever exploration of it i still had a good time. zero is interesting, more history than math but smth smth the newton quote standing on the shoulders of giants. but more seriously math history is also fascinating

chaos theory obviously slaps, fractal geometry one is more of a ref & pretty old but fascinating. reminds me of constructal theory in terms of just straight-up being fun to consider. obv yao is a fields medalist.

once upon a prime is very much pop science, but it’s cute. literature 🤝 math makes me happy. the last three i’m just cheating one is about my boy aristotle & my babies black holes & well, you know, physics. but physics kisses math on the mouth anyway

books:

fermat’s last theorem by simon singh

the code book by simon singh

infinite powers by steven strogatz

the joy of x by steven strogatz

the music of the primes by marcus du sautoy

zero by charles seif (not bad)

chaos by james gleik

the shape of a life by shing-tung yao

the fractal geometry of nature by benoit b mandelbrot

once upon a prime by sarah hart

the lagoon by armaund marie leroi

a brief history of black holes by dr becky smethhurst

the quantum universe by brian cox & jeff forshaw

a brief history of time + the theory of everything by stephen hawking

[theartistknownaslymond]

Oh and cursed playlist concept. What kind of music does Gabriel put on at the ashram (Pune or Nevada) to decompress from intense group therapy… (from research I’d say overarching - general vibes: happy, maybe danceable; lyrics: English or Hindi probably :P)

aka the desire to be subtle vs the desire to be funny: FIGHT

A Purely Spiritual Love

A band AU playlist for running away from the world aged nineteen and accidentally falling for your cult leader. Or just for chillin' post dynamic meditation, that's cool too.

Nazia Hassan - Aao Naa

ABBA - Me & I

Asha Bhosle - Dum Maro Dum (pt. 2)

The Buggles - Video Killed the Radio Star

Asha Bhosle - Koi Shahri Babu (pt. 1)

The Monkees - I'm a Believer

Kishore Kumar - Ye Jawani Hai Diwani

Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime

Lata Mangeshkar & Kishore Kumar - Jai Jai Shiv Shankar

Carly Simon - You're So Vain

Kalyanji-Anandji - Dharmatma Theme (pt. 1 - instrumental)

The Human League - Don't You Want Me

Nazia and Zoheb Hassan - Dosti

Don McLean - American Pie

Lata Mangeshkar - Bangle Ke Peechhe

The Beach Boys - Sloop John B

Kishore Kumar, Mahendra Kapoor & Shailendra Singh - Amar Akbar Anthony

The Beatles - All You Need is Love

Usual deal: explanation below the cut. Album cover featuring Joel Kinnaman's chin.

Caveat and apologies that I don't always have a very detailed explanation for why all the Hindi songs are on here because for some I just couldn't find English lyrics/descriptions of the film they're from, they're just here because they're bops. Caveat and apologies that the English songs are really NOT subtle and I had way too much fun picking them.

Nazia Hassan - Aao Naa Not Hindi, but also no great explanation beyond: what a CRACKING album opener!! Jerott's probably got the cassette and has playlist privileges at Nevada.

ABBA - Me & I Frankly ALL of Super Trouper is on the ashram playlist. The Winner Takes It All? GRM approves! But for supreme trolling-through-playlist purposes, get boogie-ing to this disco track about psychoanalysis: Sometimes I have toyed With ideas that I got from good old Dr. Freud Nothing new of course It may seem to you I try to break through open doors Oh no, oh no I just wanna say a lot of that applies to me 'Cause it's an explanation to my split identity 3) Asha Bhosle - Dum Maro Dum (pt. 2) This was an epic hit, from the film Haré Rama Haré Krishna (1971) which involves, ooh, international bigamy, cults, selling off artifacts to rich Westerners, suicide, hippies beating people up, and all sorts of things that people suspicious of Rajneesh's movement would recognise as threats. I think it would tickle Graham Reid Malett to have people dancing to the big song from a film warning about the dangers of his type. 4) The Buggles - Video Killed the Radio Star Cheesy, a bit sad, a bit sinister even, but everyone can dance along and everyone knows it. 5) Asha Bhosle - Koi Shahri Babu (pt. 1) I'll be honest and say that Bollywood thriller plots are somewhat impenetrable when reduced to short Wikipedia summaries, but this is from Loafer (1973) which seems to be about love across rival gangs and spying on one another. The song is about falling coyly for a guy who gives you a gift. And Asha is the queen, so we put as much Asha on the playlist as we need to. 6) The Monkees - I'm a Believer :))) be happy! Your dynamic meditation has finished and you have taken another step towards enlightenment/entrapment by Graham Reid Malett. 7) Kishore Kumar - Ye Jawani Hai Diwani No explanation, couldn't find the lyrics anywhere BUT what a tune!! Kishore and R.D. Burman, more icons. The film it's from (Jawani Diwani, 1972) has people leaving/becoming estranged from their families for love and intergenerational repeats of that so. A bit of a Jerott vibe. 8) Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime People from well-to-do background suddenly asking themselves 'how did I get here?' and packing it all in to give their money to the ashram…? 9) Lata Mangeshkar & Kishore Kumar - Jai Jai Shiv Shankar Laughter therapy, praising Shiva (god of meditation, among other things, Rajneesh discoursed on him a lot). And from a film (Aap Ki Kasam, 1974) where paranoia and possessiveness ruins relationships. 10) Carly Simon - You're So Vain Do I think I'm funny? Yes. Yes I do. It's about the death of the ego babe, let go of yourself! But genuinely, you could sway along and dance to this when you were exhausted from meditation! And when Carly Simon finally tells us who (else) it was about you mark my words, Graham Reid Malett will be on the list :P You had me several years ago When I was still quite naive Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair And that you would never leave But you gave away the things you loved And one of them was me 11) Kalyanji-Anandji - Dharmatma Theme (pt. 1 - instrumental) The film (Dharmatma, 1975) is apparently based on the Godfather but set in Afghanistan. So absolutely the kind of thing that would appeal to teenage Jerott, who never knew his grandparents who spent time around the (then) India-Afghanistan border. Plus teenage boys love gangster stories. Plus Jerott doesn't realise the similarities between the ashram set up and that of a mob. 12) The Human League - Don't You Want Me A man who feels entitled to another person because he plucked from obscurity and 'made something of them'? Remind you of anyone? I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around Turned you into someone new Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet Success has been so easy for you But don't forget, it's me who put you where you are now And I can put you back down too I feel like the background story to this song's release is also relevant: the band hated it and thought it was a filler track and didn't want to release it as a single, the record company forced them to, and it was a huge success. Reminiscent of Francis and GRM's interactions in PiF. 13) Nazia and Zoheb Hassan - Dosti Just another of Jerott's cassettes with good Pakistani disco pop on it! :') 14) Don McLean - American Pie It's just….it's such a GRM/Jerott kind of vibe? The disappointment, grief and sense of loss for something you never quite had, the crushing of hope, the nostalgia for something half-remembered as life-changing, but all sounding so beautiful and dreamy and it kind of cheers everyone up to be able to sing along? The idea of the American Dream as an ideal that can never be lived up to as well, kind of like what Jerott is hoping to find from the ashram vs what he gets. Oh, and there we were, all in one place A generation lost in space With no time left to start again So come on, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick Jack Flash sat on a candlestick 'Cause fire is the devil's only friend Oh, and as I watched him on the stage My hands were clenched in fists of rage No angel born in hell Could break that Satan's spell And as the flames climbed high into the night To light the sacrificial rite I saw Satan laughing with delight The day the music died 15) Lata Mangeshkar - Bangle Ke Peechhe Another I couldn't find the lyrics for, but it's R.D. Burman again and was a massive hit. It's from Samadhi (1972). 16) The Beach Boys - Sloop John B Another one that kind of sounds cheery until you listen to the lyrics when it's actually really miserable! Jerott are you ok? The first mate, he got drunk And broke in the captain's trunk The constable had to come and take him away Sheriff John Stone Why don't you leave me alone? Yeah, yeah Well, I feel so broke up I wanna go home 17) Kishore Jumar, Mahendra Kapoor & Shailendra Singh - Amar Akbar Anthony From a 'masala' film of the same title, about three brothers separated and raised as Hindu/Muslim/Christian, so I figure a good ashram vibe for bringing people together in a synthesis of teachings… Also look out Francis. Look out Jerott. <Two are better than one Three are better than two The bride and the groom are not together There's music but not a wedding procession The bride and the groom are not together There's music but not a wedding procession There's nothing to fear This is a night of union and not of sadness Smile my friends, why do you have such a crying face Smile my friends, why do you have such a crying face When the three of us get together in one place> 18) The Beatles - All You Need is Love Can't have a playlist about a rich white guy exploiting an already exploitative Indian cult to make himself powerful without putting some Beatles on it, right? Sure Graham, 'love'. There's nothing you can do that can't be done Nothing you can sing that can't be sung Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game It's easy Nothing you can make that can't be made No one you can save that can't be saved Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time It's easy

[ballorawan740]

SCP Scenarios: When their kids swear at them (REQUESTED)

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Requested by: @Astro_KeySimp

WARNING: Swearing (sorta)

Ok so I kinda made the reader into the child since don't remember if you wanted the reader to be a child or not, so if it wasn't to your liking, then I'm sorry, but I can make a separate version on where the reader isn't the child

It kinda became more of the SCPs and doctors being dads than their reaction to their kids swearing

SCP 073 (Cain)

Cain was walking around with you since you were bored and there wasn't anything to do

Being unaware of what some of the staff were saying, ye went over to grab you some food for later in case you got hungry

Once you both went back, he watched you play with some Legos and was talking as if it was your Lego friends talking to you

Cain looked away for just 10 seconds and heard you shout out "Wow! He said that her baby's such a bi-" which shocked him as he heard it

Cain looked around and made sure that nobody was around the room and was somewhat surprised that you was the one saying this

Being a good dad he is, Cain explained to you carefuly that you shouldn't say that word because it's bad

And being a sweet shy child, you obliged and stopped saying the word

Til this day, Cain had no idea about where and who you've heard the word from and is very much more self-aware

SCP 076-2 (Abel)

Abel is that type of dad who would teach you all the bad words and encourages you to say them

It's the researchers who had to teach you top not to say those words

One time, Dr Glass came in to examine you and had rewarded you as usual since you were so cooperative

You drew a picture of you and Abel talking in a garden with bright coloured flowers

Simon asked if he could see your drawing and saw that the conversation you and your dad had was those of swearing

This surprised Simon since you knew so many at such a young age but wasn't totally shocked since he knew that you were Abel's child

And knowing him, he wouldn't teach you to be nice, so Simon took the job as a mother hen and taught you to not use those words around people

SCP 999 (Tickle Monster)

Ok, so I'll keep this SCP short since I, again, don't know what I should write for this adorable, squicky, neon-orange, bubby blob

Another SCP who doesn't cuss

This adorable squishy boi here was about to have a heart attack when he heard you swear fir the first time

He had to ask you worryingly where you heard that phrase and you just said some guy wearing a white jacket

999 sighed knowing that you'll grow and couldn't do anything to stop it

He did, however, mention that you should try and avoid saying those things to anyone and that they'd most likely have a heart attack since you were his child and you won the genetic lottery for being the cutest and outgoing child in the world

The only other person who knew of this was Dr Glass (sucks to be him ngl, he do be a mother to everyone) and he had to help poor 999 with teaching you better words

SCP 682 (Hard to Destroy Reptile)

YAY! Another SCP who would teach their kid to swear

682 has such a dirty mouth like 076 and would 100% teach you all the words he knows

Similarly to what happened with Abel, you were taken for an interview with Dr Sophia Light since she was assigned to you

She's such a sweet and kind doctor to be around and would teach you anything and everything you would probably need to know all the while keeping an eye on you in case you become overly aggressive like 682

You were just eating some sweets Lights had given you for good behaviour and overheard some researchers swear

Remembering what your dad had taught you, you just repeated those curse words while clapping at your achievement

This had shocked Sophia and that researcher since you were known to be a moderately shy and quiet child who normally wouldn't say those things despite being 682's child

Sophia had to ask if you understood the meaning of those words and shook your head as an indicator for no

She had to carefully find her words and told you to never speak of those words again and took you back to 682's cell

You went and hugged your dad and told him that you learnt from the doctor that those curse words were bad and neither of you should say them

682 had a headache after that

SCP 049 (Plague Doctor)

I have a hard time thinking that 049 would teach his child to cuss and would avoid swearing in front of them at all cost

Like, he barely swears anyways but he wants to stay classy and sassy for his innocent child

Just like the other day, his kiddo, you, was curious about the whole surgery thingy he does on the dead bodies, so you asked him to teach you and so he did (like the good father we nevah had)

So you learnt some new, yet difficult, words (cuz we all have a nonexistent pea-sized brain) and somehow, you managed to fit in a curse word

This did surprise 049 as he had remembered that he didn't teach you those foul words

He had to give you a talk about using such words and you teared up since you thought that people used them to express their affection to others

Unsurprisingly, 049 took his sweet time looking for the guy who 'taught' you this and wanted to use him as a case study for your future lessons

SCP 035 (Possessive Mask)

Another parent with such an amazing influence on children

035 would teach and enable you to use swearing as a form of expression

So you were free to say whatever you want as long as they aren't directed to our mask here, especially if it's in a negative way

Otherwise, you'd be punished (No not like that! He'll just ground you from your favourite TV show/movie)

The researchers were surprised, not about you swearing, but how you use them through expression

Except for this poor guy who was new to the foundation and bumped into you by accident

This rookie found himself listening to you cursing like a sailor (maybe not that much but more or less on the same level as Samuel L Jackson)

Word got out and everybody laughed at the poor rookie and told him more about your background and how you love to swear (apparently swearing will prolong your life, so you'll basically be immortal here)

035 was impressed by the whole ordeal and rewarded you with more shows to watch whenever you're both free

SCP 105 (Iris)

Iris would accidentally swear in front of you and whenever she realises it, she would tell you to not swear at people since it wasn't very nice

So she would use words to replace the swearing like "oh fudging hell not now" and "no sugar honey ice tea"

The foundation felt that it was slightly unnecessary but went with it anyways

They'd even go as far as saying that it's ridiculous, but who are they to judge?

Iris was your mother and she's a single mum too, so she felt the need to be overly beating but would occasionally let you decide on your own since you were only 12

The foundation members did tell her that you will eventually grow and more of these words will be used but she just hesitates

As a teen, you did begin to use foul words more often and Iris would argue about how you're using them, especially towards her, your own mother

Needless to say, you both felt bad and made up

SCP 106 (Old Man)

Now this old man right here doesn't exactly speak, or at least very rarely

And if he does, he'll most likely be talking to you or the foundation staff if he needed some help finding you

He'll most likely be able to understand what the researchers are saying, even if they aren't speaking English

My own personal hc is that 106 understands English, German, Spanish, French, Chinese, Arabic and Indonesian and probably many others

Every now and again, somebody would come in and teach you new words and give other lessons like maths and poetry (our favourite)

You came back home to tell him all the things you've learnt as he watched you in awe as he braided your hair

You've even used some new phrases, including swear words while talking and 106 was pretty impressed

I feel that he's quite neutral with swear words since words are words and are used as a form of verbal communication

So I don't think they'll be much change in his behaviour to whether you're swearing or not

SCP 096 (Shy Guy)

Now with 096, all he does is scream

So basically, somebody else would have to teach you some words

It's not to say that 096 is a dumb animalistic creature with no soul and just kills people who look at his face

He isn't stupid since he manages to find anyone who looked at his face from the other side of the globe

And he seems to understand what the researchers are saying, or at least on a more intermediate to moderate level

You'll learn about swear words from the other researchers, whether they'll be teaching it to you intentionally or you've overheard them

The foundation could really care less, but would at least prefer that you chill a bit if you got carried away

096 would act all cheery when you learn more new things as it's not like the foundation would let him out anyway, so he'll be living the outside world life from you (How relatable, but more with babysitting and dating, cuz I'm too pretty for anyone to date XD)

Like with 106, I don't think 096 would have any special reaction towards swearing, but would probably be screaming internally for a bit since he knows that it isn't a nice word

Dr Jack bright

This mf right here is one of those parents who would be kind but firm

Bright would most definitely give in to your curiosity and teach you whatever you want to learn but would warn you of the dangers

Depending on what it is, he would even go as far as giving you your own personal guard who would stay with you and train you

And unfortunately, this guard has such a foul mouth, so you're constantly exposed to such words

Luckily for the both of you, Jack Bright doesn't really care about swearing as long as you're not being extremely inappropriate if you were to work

He would even joke around with you sometimes and would even start the conversation with swearing

For instance, he'd just surprise you with a "Yeet his mf outta my sheithole"

And yes, you did laugh at his antics

Some would even say that you're an exact clone of him but more stable (for now)

Well, Bright is an amazing dad, but I'd say just below Dr Glass

Or maybe even on par with him

Like Bright is a goofy dad that has all the terrible dad jokes and Glass would be the type of dad to look out for his kid

Dr Simon Glass

Dr Glass would most definitely avoid using swear words, especially if you were under 15

Even if you were over 15, he'd still avoid swearing unless he wants to make a joke or 2

So most of the time, you'd learn all the swearing from other people and SCPs

Sometimes you would swear by accident and Glass would just look at you, slightly disappointed

I'd say he doesn't exactly care about you swearing per see, but would rather you avoid it

It's cuz Simon is the best dad a dad could ever dad and nobody could prove me wrong here

He's also one of the top best dads compared to the others on the list

He's basically your best friend so he'd let you vent and its the 1 time he'd let you swear to show your emotions

Simon would 100% know your thoughts and behaviour

He's just that good at reading people, especially you - almost to the point where people would say he's an SCP cuz I swear he's just empathic and telepathic

As mentioned before, Glass would be the type of dad to care for your mental health

It's not that the others don't, it's just that Glass is a top their God of Psychology and would come to you before you even know you have depression

He would even crack a joke sometimes

So every so often, he would shout out "LANGUAGE!!!" from across the room before you could even bat an eye and say anything

Dr Alto Clef

Another top tier dad, but swearing addition

Your godfather would literally be Jack Bright

Then it's Kondraki and Glass

He would let you swear on a daily basis and would join you

Sometimes you be looking at your Oppas/Noonas and be like: "Oh fxxk me!" and Clef, who's in the next room, be like: "Yeah, fxxk me too!" (Yes but no sis! No incest pls!)

Other times, you would be in the same room as Clef and Bright and you'd join them in being chaotic

And poor Kondraki  is just there at the back trying to do his work peacefully

One time, Kondraki had to grab a Simon Glass to help stop the chaotic trio

And OML did it end so well

You were easy to manage tbh, with the exception of you swearing

Clef and Bright would most definitely encourage you to swear more

Especially Clef since he does have a twisted sense of humour

Dr Benjamin Kondraki

Kondraki is totally the type of person who would tell their kid to mind their own language

But he secretly doesn't care and his child knows it

His style of parenting is similar to Simon's

And yes, Simon is your #1 godfather/uncle

You'd go to him for emotional support since Kondraki sucks at that

Sometimes you'd swear at him and he'd get mad though

So yeah, running to Glass is a wonderful idea

And we all know that Kondraki doesn't mean what he said

He's just extremely introverted, but he's rather sensible - Usually...

Anyways, he would ask Simon on tips and advice on how to get you to stop swearing so much and he just gave Benjamin a parenting book (Like fr guys, let Glass have some rest, he's tired of babysitting over 100 dozens of pets in the zoo and all the other babies who work in it)

[eggrestes]

ladrien and comunication

i think people tend to remember that^^ anytime someone says ladrien, which, honestly, is pretty adorable and appropriate. there is blushing, there is awkwardness, there is them looking pretty. but the image seems to end at that for many which is sad because there is a lot of other things they have going on, things that are unique to their dynamic thanks to the their situations, feelings and other sides dynamics.

yes, it’s pretty true that their interactions are pretty plain and boring compared to their counterparts. just look at their first interaction:

Adrien: I'm fine. (sees Ladybug; timidly) ...Hello? Ladybug: Uh... Hello! You sure you're okay? Adrien: I'm fine, really. But we've got to get to my house now! My father's in danger! Ladybug: Let's go. Cat Noir will meet us there.

it doesn’t have the witty banter of ladynoir, the adorable rambling of adrinette or the over-dramatic antics of marichat. it’s to the point and unexciting, a little strange to see after we have seen how much a hot mess marinette usually is around adrien, and chat so loud, flirty and playful around ladybug. 

in marinette’s case, it’s simply because she doesn't have the anxiety of impressing adrien or confessing to him. there is an akuma, she has work to do, besides he isn’t interacting with marinette, he is with ladybug. the mask provides her the comfort of fucking up and not completely ruin her (marinette) chances with adrien (that’s what she thinks anyway). which we have seen does wonders to her confidence, as she no longer projects her insecurities onto him, making her more put together and open around him, allowing for her best qualities to shine.

adrien, on the other hand, is suppose be Adrien Agreste, while he is with the person who helped him break out of it. ladybug makes him feel comfortable, makes him forget about what he is suppose to represent. and so, the adrien we see around ladybug is the closest to his true self we get, blurring the lines between his ‘chat noir’ and ‘adrien’ personas. he is  more reserved while also bold. he stills trusts ladybug and is conscious of his actions to some degree, but doesn’t hesitates to put forth what he thinks. he gets to be just  teenage boy with a crush trying his best to impress said crush, who makes bad decisions sometimes.

this creates the unique dynamic for them, where they are being candid and hold a conversation that is honest, without the glitz-and-glamour of their over-dramatic natures. really, the ‘miscommunication’ is just 1) not knowing the other’s identity and 2) not knowing about the other’s romantic feelings, which makes communication problems between them a lot less complicated than the other sides.

we see them disagreeing (volpina); we see them talking about the strategy of the plan (gorizilla, riposte, desperada)(or at least for the foreseeable future); we see them protecting each other (riposte, gorizilla, despeada), trusting each other (gorizilla, desperada). we see them being awkward and shy(desperada, simon says respectively) with a few blushes sprinkled in but really, i think, it’s just a cherry on top.

this is why i love desperada, it shows everything that this dynamic has to offer- including it’s flaws. you can cringe all you want, call aspik’s design bad, but they are being so human and teen in it, i cannot help but love it. there is ladybug trusting adrien with a miraculous, adrien being determined to impress her, ladybug almost asking him if she can love him (girl, what), adrien giving her a flower as a thank you, plagg’s ‘(need more time) to do what? charm ladybug? or defeat the villain?’. really i could go on about this episode but i would be too off point.

what it shows is how these two functions even with their mutual pinning. it shows that when they just stop trying to impress, just be themselves, is when they find each other attractive. it’s pretty neat message too: people will like you for who you are, you don’t need to impress them.

to sum up/TL;DR: ladrien are friends and communicate wonderfully in canon and are being their ‘‘true selves’‘ despite/because of their mutual pinning.

[palimpsessed]

I have a question for you because you are SO GOOD at analyzing awtwb. Can you explain the “is this what people do?” Thinking that Simon is going through? Most of the things he goes through I see reflected in myself or people I know, but I haven’t seen that before. I would love to know all your thoughts on that?

Hi, Anon! Thanks for sending this ask and for your kind words about my analysis. ❤️

I would love to talk about "is this what people do"!

I'm going to give you my take, and then I'm going to include some thoughts from a friend who isn't on tumblr. Let’s dive in!

Simon asks "is this what people do" because he truly doesn't know what people do. He knows how to be a Chosen One, but he doesn't know how to be a person. He's spent the bulk of his life up until this point as a weapon. He understands how to fight, how to protect those around him, how to sacrifice himself, but he doesn't really understand living for the sake of living. In my answer to another ask, I talked about how Simon doesn't know how to be at peace. I think that's applicable here, too.

Part of what Simon struggles with so much in the time between the end of CO and the beginning of WS is how to live without having a defined purpose, a "mission". He's lost a lot of things that he allowed to define his sense of self, and now he has to sort out who he is without all of that. We see him start to make progress with living for the sake of living in WS: going on a roadtrip to a place he's always wanted to see; being silly and flirting at the Renaissance Faire and walking around with his wings out; flying over Utah, getting to feel the wind in his face and under his wings. But most of the time, he's still struggling with being at peace—living without a mission. Living for himself.

The WS epilogue tells us: "This is what happens if you try to hang on after the end…the pages go blank...Simon Snow's [story] is over." There's no established arc for a hero post-final battle—there's no set narrative or expectations for this point in Simon's life and he's struggling in the uncertainty of it all. He's also struggling with the lingering trauma from years of neglect, exploitation, and violence.

There's a reason the gang literally goes off the map in WS—there is no guide for this part of their journey, and, at least for Simon, doing the "normal" expected thing at this time (getting a flat, going to university, making new friends) isn't working for him. He doesn't have any idea what to do with his life now—this part was never planned out for him. As a child in care and then a boy soldier, Simon never had agency over himself. He was responsible for the fate of the World of Mages and saving all of magic, but he wasn't ever allowed to be responsible for himself. I don't mean that Simon doesn't know how to take care of himself—I'd argue he's the most self-sufficient and practically-minded of the gang because of all the time he was left to fend for himself. But Simon is going out into the world as an adult and there isn't someone else to tell him what to do anymore. (This is something we all face at some point growing up, but it's definitely more extreme in his case!) Don't get me wrong. Being in control of his own life is a really good thing for Simon, but it also leaves him without any idea of how to navigate through life. Someone else has always been there to give him orders or to give him a plan, but we see all of the plans in WS fall apart.

In AWTWB, Simon tries move forward with a new plan—one he thinks is best for everyone—fracturing his relationships with the two most important people in his life while also attempting to make a clean break from magic. It's the wrong thing to do, even if it's something that needs to happen. From the end of CO to the start of AWTWB, Simon chooses to do nothing, because he's afraid. Then he does the wrong thing, also out of fear.

Instead of fighting, which is what he's always done before, Simon allows fear to keep him from acting, allows fear to drive him away from what's important. Simon didn't fear dying as a child in the course of his heroic deeds, but he does fear a future spent with the people he loves (it's "frightening"). He fears it because it’s “uncertain” and he doesn't think he can hold onto it (“I never believed I’d get to keep you”). He doesn't think he has a right to try.

"Is this what people do" is Simon trying. It's him trying with Baz, specifically. Simon is scared because he and Baz are in unknown territory, and he cares so much about making things work between them. He knows how much there is to lose. He just doesn’t know what he needs to do to hold on to Baz. He doesn’t really have any idea what a healthy relationship looks like. I know I’ve seen discussions about how Simon never had proper relationship modeling. (@mostlymaudlin has addressed this and other aspects of Simon’s previous relationship experience with Agatha in this post that is highly relevant and I also just recommend it.) Yes, Simon has prior experience with Agatha, but he didn’t know what he was doing in that relationship either and he tells Baz that his experience with her doesn’t come anywhere close to his feelings for Baz. With Agatha, Simon saw a nebulous “happy ending” without knowing what that happy ending was going to look like, nor how he was going to get there. He has no idea of the reality of a healthy relationship or how to do the hard work to maintain it. This is what both Simon and Baz are learning in AWTWB.

When the refrain comes up, it's always in response to a milestone that Simon and Baz have crossed in their relationship, from (practically) moving in together to being intimate.

Simon is mentally taking a step back and looking at his relationship with Baz. He's looking at the things they're doing, as a couple. Things they've not managed to do before, or things they have done that he hasn't given himself the space to process—something he admits he never did with Agatha. Simon asking the question "is this what people do" encapsulates so much: Is this what life and love looks like for other people? For us? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? What we're supposed to be doing? How do I feel about what’s happening now? What do I want to happen? Is this how two people love each other?

The ways in which the refrain shifts over the course of the book show us how Simon's thinking shifts as his relationship with Baz progresses. And at the end, the refrain has changed from a question into a statement. Seeing the first and last occurrences next to each other tells so much of the story of Simon's growth.

Chapter 38:

Is this what people do when they're in love? Do they just keep touching and talking? And then what? Like what is it all leading to? I don't mean sex, I mean…

If I knew what I meant, it wouldn't be so frightening.

I'm living second by second.

Chapter 82:

This is what people do.

They get close and try to stay there.

They stay.

They keep trying to hold on to each other...this is what they do. They keep trying.

…This is what people do. This is what we'll do. Baz and me.

…"Stay with me."

"I will."

This shift in confidence is subtle, but it is such a big deal! Simon has gone from not being able to think about the future at all to promising Baz that he will stay with him and keep trying in their relationship. He's answered the question for himself!!! He’s figured out how to try for Baz. The thing is, in the end, it really doesn’t matter what “people” do. It matters what Simon and Baz do, because they’re the ones who are doing this together, for each other. They have plenty of time to figure out how “what people do” is going to look for them.

Now I want to add some thoughts shared by RooBadley in the conversations we've had about "is this what people do". I always appreciate getting Roo's take on things, and I completely agree with them on this. (Do yourself a favor and check out Roo's AO3 if you haven't already.)

"the subtlety of [is this what people do is] a reflection of [Simon’s] queerness/a touchstone universal queer youth experience (is this what it's supposed to be like? I dunno, I've never seen A Person Like Me get to have a happy/healthy/normal relationship). Is this what (queer) people do? Am I doing it right?"

and...

"I've ruminated more on that statement as reference to the queer experience and I feel like there's more evidence to support that reading. we know he's had sex with Agatha (and he's woke/attentive enough to know about peeing to prevent UTI's, so clearly he knows what straight, penetrative sex is) and there's that lovely line at the start about Dr Wellbelove giving him the birds & bees talk, but leaving some things out (I love that bit) And he's so confident when he's talking with Baz about having had sex with Agatha, like, he knows what they did. It's just with Baz that he's suddenly in self-doubt "is this..." Land"

Reading this take from Roo about a universal queer youth experience definitely hit home for me. I think Rainbow did a superb job of speaking to multiple experiences with Simon’s journey and in treating that journey with so much care. I think it’s amazing that we get to see this part of the story, this aftermath and healing, because it really isn’t part of the established story arc we’re used to and it really should be. Like you said in your ask, Anon, we’ve all had lived experiences that help us see ourselves in these characters, and to watch them struggle and persevere and succeed is incredibly important.

If anyone has anything they’d like to add on, or another question to ask, as always, please feel free to do so! I will never get enough of talking about this book! ❤️

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

Hey there! thanks for the AWTWB asks you’ve been answering—they’ve helped me process some parts of the book and think things through.

that being said I’ve got one of my own questions for you.

one of the things I really loved about Carry On was Simon and Penny’s friendship. One of the things I appreciated about WS was the friendship between Baz and Penny.

but we didn‘t see much of either of those in AWTWB and that kind of bummed me out. What are your thoughts on the lack of those interactions?

hello anon, thanks for the ask! This might be a long one, so bear with me!

Simon and Penny's friendship is one of many wonderful parts of these books. Like you, it's one of the things I've loved to read. I was also so gratified to see that Baz and Penny grew to have such a deep and caring friendship in WS.

It may seem like we don't see those friendships "on screen" in the same way in AWTWB but I do think there are reasons for that, reasons that make a great deal of sense building on the previous books.

Simon and Penny's friendship is introduced in CO and we see it as rock solid through that book. I don't think there was any doubt as to the mutuality and depth of that relationship. It continues, albeit affected by Simon's personal trauma, in WS. In WS we also see the introduction of Baz and Penny's friendship--forged in their mutual care and love for Simon but being a distinct and separate entity as well, a love and caring for each other that goes alongside the relationship they have through Simon.

I don't think AWTWB diminishes those friendships. But circumstances have altered–based on Simon's decision early in the book to withdraw himself from the World of Mages, from the revelations about themselves the trip to America brought forth, with how they choose to move forward based on those circumstances.

I think CO and WS did a good job establishing the foundation and strength of Simon's friendship with Penny and the Baz and Penny one as well. I don't think there is any doubt in AWTWB that they all care very deeply for each other.

But Simon has drawn a line. A boundary. He believes he needs to be distinct and separate from the World of Mages to move forward, to get unstuck. He makes that very clear to Penny in his conversation with her, a conversation that is off-screen for very good reasons I think. One reason being it having a stronger emotional punch when Simon tells Baz (and us) in the break-up chapter--it would have been diluted if we had already heard his reasoning. Instead we get to hear Penny explain her understanding of it to Baz before Simon gives us the much more emotionally devastating version he gives Baz.

We get to see Penny making some very crucial realisations about the co-dependant relationship she and Simon had developed, about her own decisions and reactions to what had been going on in Simon's life. And her role as his friend and confidant. She is seeing things through a different lens–since the Mage's death, since Simon's spiral, since the trip to America. Mitali is rather harsh in her observations but Penny did thrive on the excitement and intrigue of the missions, her role as dread companion, the rush of research, intuition, and creative spell casting that she would contribute. But we saw even in CO that Penny had reached a point of wanting to spirit Simon away, to keep him safe, to pull him away from the World of Mages herself. A part of her that intuitively knew his life as a boy-soldier was unhealthy and hurtful to him in the long run. There is certainly a part of Penny that likely blames herself for not seeing through the Mage earlier, for not in some way protecting Simon or helping him avoid what ultimately happened. Not that she necessarily could have, but she would be thinking about it.

We know Baz feels that way as well. We hear Dr. Wellbelove voice a regret we know those closest to Simon would be feeling. Penny loves Simon. She does respect him. But she has put herself in a “taking care of him” role that takes away some of his agency and leads to a challenging dynamic. She and Baz both, in WS, but Penny has a longer history of that. After America she has come to a realisation that perhaps she has enabled or encouraged some of the situations they have found themselves in, that have been detrimental to Simon in the long run. That her mantra of Simon needing her hasn’t necessarily been healthy for their relationship. He sets a boundary with her and she chooses to respect it, not bulldoze right over it, as she may have in the past. This is a huge moment of character growth for her. She isn't relinquishing her relationship with Simon. She's giving him the freedom to do what he feel is right for him in the moment. She loves and trusts him enough to give him space when she understands he needs it. She doesn't like it, it hurts like hell, but she knows this agency and control and decision making on his own terms is vital for him. And when he calls her back, to help solve some new magickal conundrum, she doesn't let herself get drawn in. She keeps her promise to him, even if he's the one crossing the boundary.

It also allows her to be her own hero, if that makes sense. To be the hero of her own story, to approach something on her own terms. She bemoans the fact that she doesn't have Simon and Baz to listen to her think through things when she's with Shepard but the reality is she doesn't need them to do that--she can do this herself. It's empowering and a shift in her own experience. It also allows her to open herself up to someone new, let someone else in to her tiny circle.

I also think it's important in this story to see that just because someone asks for space, or needs some distance or agency, it doesn't necessarily mean you're losing them forever or that they are permanently rejecting you. Or that you’ve done something irrevocable. People need to grow and process and change and sometimes they need the space and freedom to do so. I think that's a very meaningful point. They last a little over a week apart but it's a week that provides them both with insight and growth. And they find themselves again, stronger than before, when they are back together.

And Simon talks it out with Penny. Baz tells him he should and he does. And it's ok that conversation is offscreen. We know the love they have for each other. We know Penny hates emotional conversations (her whole issue with saying goodbye from Carry On). It's not a scene we need to see--it's ok that it's private. It's how they'd want it.

We don't see as much of Baz and Penny's friendship, which you also mention, but I think again that's ok. It doesn't mean it ceases to exist--it simply continues on in the background as Simon and Baz's relationship work takes the forefront. Yes, Baz and Penny have a disagreement about Simon. But their friendship remains. They still communicate. They are still there for each other in the pivotal later scenes surrounding Smith. That hasn't changed. They have each others backs. They always will. I don't think Penny truly begrudges the fact that Simon and Baz have had this time together--I think she is very aware of how much they care for each other and that they needed to sort themselves to move forward also.

I hope this answered your question. The tl;dr is basically their friendships endure, even when not explicitly on the page. We don’t necessarily need to see them to know they’re there—the groundwork has been laid. We know their history and the depth of those friendships and that this time apart allowed for growth and progress and healthy boundaries and understanding. All good things. And in the end, they're all in this together, for each other and in support of each other.

[talesofafangirlwithadvr]

April 2021 Picks

And we’re back with the end to another month. April! Wow! Lots more great picks to talk about this time. Lots of new ones to the list too. So, let’s dive in!

Spoiler territory ahead!

THE FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLDIER

or should I say Captain America and the Winter Soldier

I just finished the finale last night, so it felt right to start off with The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. I really enjoyed it and I feel the episodes got stronger as the series went on. Each one felt like a mini-movie and I was upset it was over and had to wait another week for another one. I think the finale was my favorite. Especially the reveal of Sam as Captain America. I love his suit, his speech and the montage of everyone watching him. The last part of the episode was definitely my favorite and one I can watch on repeat. I loved seeing happy Bucky and him goofing off with the kids in Louisiana. He deserves so much happiness as he has now accepted he’s no longer who he once was. Bucky and Sam’s relationship is fantastic and I can’t wait to see it more. I know there’s a possibility of a second season and they have to be in a future MCU movie. Regarding the villain, I feel I was confused for most of the show as to what their objective was. I’m curious if this is because they had to reshoot parts during the pandemic. I also am mad with Sharon. Like what happened with her? She is definitely the true villain of the show. I also don’t love that we haven’t seen the end of Walker (but Wyatt Russell did a fantastic job). I also loved Torres and I hope he becomes the next Falcon. Definitely so different vibes from Wandavision, but just as good!

THE IRREGULARS

This is a show that more people need to be talking about! It was SO GOOD! I feel like I heard some buzz about it when it first came out, but not much after. It follows the teens featured about who live on the streets during Victorian London. The leader of their group, Bea gets approached by Dr. John Watson (that’s right...as in Sherlock and Watson) to take on a case that has more supernatural qualities. The story takes off from there. I think the group dynamic was fantastic. There wasn’t a character I didn’t like and each one brought something else important to the group (which they even bring up towards the end of the show). [I’ve watched a few cast interviews since finishing the finale and they seem like they get along really well in real life too.] There is a kind of love triangle, but it didn’t bother me and was over fast. I did like both combinations though. Lots of twists and turns along the journey. I have no idea if there will be another season, but there should be. It didn’t end on a major cliffhanger, but definitely ended in a way where it could continue nicely. Come on Netflix. 

HBO’S THE NEVERS

From one show set in Victorian times to the next. The Nevers just premiered on HBO and HBO Max earlier this month. It follows an ensemble of characters, similar to other HBO shows, ranging from characters who are called “the touched” to men in government who are against them. Being “touched” means they have a special talent or power, which can range from healing to speaking other languages, being extremely tall, or being an expectational inventor (I seriously love Penance. I just don’t know how to explain her ability). Amalia True and Penance Adair are two of the main characters and they help bring in others who are touched to a remodeled orphanage that is a safe haven for people like them. Of course there are those who are against them existing. This seems to be at least two groups as someone is abducting and experimenting on some of the touched, but we don’t know who they are...yet. I love the fusion of a historical setting with a fantasy element. I am very excited to see where the show is headed. I also love seeing so many of my favorite British actors on the screen together.      

ONCE UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND

Time for a throw back. Fans of ABC’s Once Upon a Time might remember the short lived spin off following Alice in Wonderland (and some of Aladdin). It only lasted for one season of 13 episodes, but I remember loving it and I am so happy I can rewatch it on Disney Plus. It reminds me of why I enjoyed OUAT so much and I think this show deserved another season or more crossover with the original show. (Luckily the Knave got that opportunity.) I think it should have aired as a summer show or when OUAT was on hiatus, this way more fans would have tuned in. It is something I’ll believe forever. 

Anyway, I’ll stop ranting now... I love Alice. I think she’s a badass and a fierce warrior. If you follow some of my posts on my other blog, Lydia-yougowith-Stiles, you’ll know that I love a warrior romance and Cyrus and Alice fit that perfectly (even if they are apart for much of the series). I also love Alice’s hair and outfits. Everything about her is cool. Her relationship with the Knave is one of my favorite friendships ever. I think they balance each other out so well and how they spend most of the journey together. Back in the day, I totally shipped them, but now I definitely don’t. (Even though I don’t love Anastasia.) This is definitely worth the watch if you’ve ever heard of Once Upon a Time or not. There is very cheesy CGI especially for 2013, but once you get pass that you’ll love it. 

ZOEY’S EXTRAORDINARY PLAYLIST

It was on a longer break than I expected, and I didn’t miss it as much as I thought I would (which I know doesn’t sound good for a show), but I am still loving all the episodes this season. It feels like there are more musical numbers, which I love. Mandy Moore is killing it with the choreography. There are so many amazing moments. I also was a big fan of the newest glitch episode. Everyone is so talented and I also like that we’ve started to hear from more like Jenna and Tobin. Leif has become one of my favorites. I don’t love the new neighbor next door, but I think we’re done with his storyline. I’m not loving the Zoey love triangle, but I do like her with either Simon or Max. She seems really happy with Simon now. (FYI: I haven’t watched the most recent episode yet. The glitch one was my latest.) Can’t wait for more!    

KUNG FU

CW’s newest show this month was Kung Fu, which I just learned was a reboot. It follows Nicky who returns after 3 years to her home in San Francisco. Her family has mixed feelings as she has had no contact with them for the last 3 years. She is now a Kung Fu master and warrior, out to avenge her mentor’s death and stop a villain from acquiring mythical weapons. The show gives me Arrow vibes every time I watch it. It has similar flashbacks each episode to an earlier time in Nicky’s life. While Nicky’s mission is different, the style just gives me early seasons of Arrow vibes, which I am not complaining about. It stars Legacies’ Alyssa Chen, who I didn’t love on Legacies, but instantly fell in love with Nicky. I think she’s a bad ass character and love how she’s fighting for the underdogs on the streets of San Fran, while also taking down a bigger evil. The love triangle is heating up and I’m definitely team Henry (even though there’s some mystery there). I think he’s great and once again we have an awesome warrior romance. They balance each other so well and it’s only been like 3 episodes. Now they’ve also been sleuthing together and it’s just amazing. 

NANCY DREW

Are you sick of hearing me talk about CW’s Nancy Drew? I hope not because I’m going to fangirl again. I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH! I can’t wait till Wednesday comes and I tune in a little after it starts, so then I can fast forward on my DVR. Then when the episode is over I basically start it all over again and watch select scenes that were awesome. (More specifically, they tend to be Nancy and Ace scenes because I love them and we’re entering so much angst I don’t know if my heart will be able to handle it!!!) 

I’ll say it a thousand times: THIS CAST IS EVERYTHING! Their dynamic is amazing. You can have any match ups and it’ll be a great time. There is not one person I don’t like. I was so upset that there wasn’t a new episode last week (especially because it was my birthday). I loved the last one with the Hardy Boys and that Nace reveal! OMG! I’m so sad that Grant has left again because we barely had him, but I feel he’ll eventually come back. He has to. I loved the ending when he spoke to Thom by signing to him. (My heart!) I seriously can’t say enough great things about this show. It is not your typical CW show and deserves more love and views. So happy a third season has already been confirmed!! 

LAST NOTES

Just started Shadow and Bone on Netflix and am loving it! I’m sure I’ll have an entire post dedicated to it when I’m done. (Currently going to start episode 6.) I have no background on the universe or the books (just what my sister is filling me in with as we watch). I definitely plan on reading Six of Crows after this!

So what are you enjoying? Let me know. I’m always looking for more shows to add to the list! Can never have enough. 

[cupidford]

So privileged to have read some great fics this month. Here are my favs!

乂❤‿❤乂

Dive by FinAmour

John’s studying abroad at Harvard and meets gorgeous bartender with horrible manners. Just as John falls for him, swiftly, deeply, and unexpectedly, the bartender disappears. ~65.5k

Never, I fear, to be removed. by yogaduck

ACD/Victorian. Watson is forced to leave Baker Street in the early spring of 1882. Holmes gives no explanation for this sudden request which shatters Watson's heart. ~11.5k

The Zebra Sheets by agirlsname

Sherlock is back from the dead and he's exhausted. So is John. They go on a holiday to a faraway cottage and unexpected truths are revealed. ~13.5k

If There Were Any Time For A Miracle by Berty

John and Sherlock are spending Christmas at the Holmes' family home. Sherlock has a plan that John doesn't know about. John has a wish that Sherlock doesn't know about. Jealous Sherlock. ~32k

The Man Who Invented Sherlock Holmes by Calais_Reno

John Watson, struggling young doctor, doomed to live an ordinary life, dreams of writing detective fiction. If he can just figure out his hero's name, the story will practically write itself. ACD. ~15.5k

໒( ♥ ◡ ♥ )७

It's Not Fiction by toyhto

Crack - ish. It turns out that people on the internet are writing porn about John and Sherlock. ~8k

Afterglow by FinAmour

A highly flirtatious dinner at Angelos leads to their first exchange kisses and love confessions in the alleyway. ~5.5k

Just Our Hands Clasped So Tight by Cat1ing

In which John Watson makes a brilliant discovery - namely, if you pet Sherlock's hair, he shuts up. ~11.5k

Full Circle by cumberqueer (chemma66)

Sherlock is worried John is seeing someone that is making him very happy, and intends to find out who. Featuring a spreadsheet of John smiles, parentlock, and John being charming af. ~14k

Transcendental Hazards by TheSkullontheMantlepiece

A fill-in moment for the time between the events at Sherrinford and the last scene with John, Sherlock and Rosie together in 221B. Texting. ~1.5k

Goodbye, John by toyhto

Sherlock comes back from being dead. John doesn't know how to deal with him. ~13k

Happy Beginnings by apliddell

John and Sherlock watch The Princess Bride. John finds out something shocking about Sherlock's past, and it gets him thinking. ~2k

(✿ ♥‿♥)

A Christmas Detective by wingsfromthewater

When John finds himself alone at Christmas in the beautiful country of Aldovia, he never thought he would actually meet a handsome prince who would change his life. ~23.5k

Love, SH by Lola_hyuga

Teenlock. Sherlock shares anonymous emails with a boy he very much enjoys receiving attention from. Bigger problem is, someone finds out and blackmails him. Love, Simon AU. ~34.5k

The One That Remains by flowerfan

Sherlock wakes up in hospital confused... but it all turns out even better than he could have dreamed. ~2k

To Help Another by DrFish

Omegaverse. Omega Sherlock, Alpha John. Dr. Watson agrees to help out with a difficult case at the hospital with the arrival of a traumatised and abused omega. ~40k. 

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Sine Nomine by SilentAuror

Mycroft reviews the footage from Culverton Smith's morgue and decides to give John one last chance. So he gives him a choice. ~45.5k

Anywhen by mydogwatson

Finale of Stories with Boys. John is leaving the hospital with Sherlock, but they have nowhere to go. Then Mycroft sticks his big nose in. ~3.5k

Away by Accident, detafo

Established relationship, Jealous Sherlock. John is away on a week long conference and Sherlock can't help but get jealous over the other attendees around John when he's not there. ~7.5k

Laphroaig in the Lumber Room by wordybirdy

ACD. Holmes & Watson discover a bottle of Laphroaig inside the lumber room at Baker Street. A drinking game of truth results in intimate confessions. ~2.5k

Couples Counselling by zigostia

In which Scotland Yard gives Sherlock wooing advice. ~3k

What It Is by toyhto

“I’m not playing a game. I’m trying to keep you here until you forgive me.” Angst/Miscommunication/Hurt ~9.5k

[high-warlock-of-brooklyn]

The Devil's in the details, and Cupid's in STI clinics

Ao3 LINK

Summary: “Come on! We’ll make a day of it!”

“No.”    

“It’ll be like when we were kids- like a boy’s night out!”    

“No!”    

“Come on, Alec!”    

“For the last time, and I can’t believe I have to say this, no, I will not go to a STI testing with you!” 

Jace is persuasive, Alec really hates his brother, and Cupid is laughing maniacally from wherever that bastard hides from people.

For @shadowhunterbingo Square filled: First Date

............

“Come on! We’ll make a day of it!”

“No.”

“It’ll be like when we were kids- like a boy’s night out!”

“No!”

“Come on, Alec!”

“For the last time, and I can’t believe I have to say this, no, I will not go to a STI testing with you!”

Alec rolls his eyes. He puts the last washed dish to dry on the rack, then grabs a kitchen towel to dry his own hands, all the while Jace’s breathing is loud on the speakerphone.

“I’m pretty sure my neighbours can hear you breathing, idiot.” Alec rolls his eyes, switching from speakers to handset with a tap.

“It’s important to stay safe, brother, even if the frequency of someone’s sex life might qualify them for priesthood.”

Alec rolls his eyes. “Fuck you, asshole.”

“Yes and we both need to be tested before anyone does that.” Jace’s chuckle comes out as tinny, the call quality clearly dropping. “Tell me, since when’s the last time you got tested?”

“Last year.” Alec answers after a beat.

“As someone who cares about your physical well being, I am concerned. As someone who cares about your love life, I am concerned with a capital C.”

“You’re insufferable.” Alec rubs his temple wearily. “Fine, I’ll go with you.”

“I’ll pick you up at ten.” Jace says. “Wear sensible shoes.”

“I hate you.”

----------------

Alec does, in fact, hate him at least a tiny bit. Especially since he’s twenty minutes late. In pouring rain. On his only day off in two weeks. Finally at a quarter to eleven, Jace’s old Toyota shows up.

“What the actual fuck, dude!” Alec yells at him as soon as the door opens.

“I’m so fucking sorry, okay?” Jace notices the tremors in Alec, and turns the heat all the way up.

“What the hell happened?” Alec rubs his hands together to generate more body heat. “I’ve called you like a hundred times.”

“The car got stuck. I got down to see what’s wrong, and my phone slipped out of my pocket and into a puddle. Then I saw the tire got punctured. I had to run home and get a stepni.”

“For the love of God.” Alec swears.

“Do you still wanna go today?” Jace asks. “I won’t mind if you say no. I know you’ve been working at the office for weeks straight.”

“I’m fine. Let’s just get this over with.” Alec sighs. “Besides, you’re right. Health is an important issue. Especially if you’re disowned by your parents and have to live on your own without any safety net to fall on if you do accidentally catch something.”

“Hey, you know you always got me and Izzy, right?”

“I know.” Alec gives him a tight nod.

“Hey Alec, you know what I just realized?” Jace smirks with a hidden joke. “You’ve got a friend in me.”

“If you play that song on a loop again I swear to God!” Alec warns.

“Too late!” Jace hits the aux button with a shiteating grin.

Alec groans into his hands. “I hate you so much.”

-----------

“Er- Jace?”

“What?”

“Jace!” Alec hits his brother with his elbow. “What do I say?”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t just go and say whatever comes to mind!” Alec sounds horrified. “What am I gonna ask, ‘hey come here often?’ Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Just go up and ask about our appointment.” Jace nudges him towards the counter.

“Our appointment was seventy five minutes ago! I can’t just go there and ask about it after we’re so late!” Jace detects the slight panic in Alec’s voice.

“You’re asking them for a rescheduling. With only one other patient in the office waiting. It’s not even that big a deal. Just go up to the counter.”

“We need a game plan.” Alec seems ready to plan a battle from the look of it.

“You goddamn introvert.” Jace shakes his head. “The receptionist is not a monster. They’re not gonna try to eat you for trying to reschedule!”

“Hi there!”

Jace and Alec jump just as the partition slides open all of a sudden, the cheery voice of the receptionist floating through. The pancakes from breakfast sit heavier in Alec’s stomach with every second he spends looking at the receptionist.

“Sorry to jump you both like this.” The beautiful man smiles. “But we’re going on break soon and since we have a birthday party later, we were wondering if we can finish up with all the appointments before we take a long break. I really hope you understand.”

“Oh, yeah, of course, I mean- we totally understand- whatever we can do to- actually you know what, our appointment time’s already over, I mean- how important is a STI checkup? Pff, not much, I’ll say.” Alec chokes out a nervous laugh.

“God, it’s like looking at a trainwreck in slow motion.” Jace covers his eyes with a hand.

“Um….” The receptionist- Magnus, Alec reads the name card- looks between the two of them confusedly.

“What this human disaster here,” Jace sends a disappointed glance towards Alec, “was trying to ask is, can we reschedule an appointment from about an hour and a half ago? We had a flat tire and the rain really blocked the roads.”

“I’m sure I can squeeze you in for a quick swab test.” Magnus smiles sweetly, tapping away at the computer. “Someone will be with you shortly.”

“Thank you.” Alec offers him a small smile.

“So, couples coming together for tests is very good for the relationship.” Magnus nods knowingly. Alec feels like he’s choking on air.

Jace chuckles, sarcasm heavy in his voice. “Oh yeah, we were practically joined at the hips since we were ten. But Chucklebunny here turns out wanted to be joined at the hearts too. He always says I’m the one for him, and vice versa of course.”

“You’re so annoying.” Alec rolls his eyes at Jace’s antics.

“You wuv me.” Jace counters.

“Doesn’t make you any less annoying.”

“Mr Lightwood?” A woman in blue scrubs comes in, a board in hand. “We’re ready for you. Follow me please.”

“Go get’em tiger.” Jace pats Alec as he gets up. Alec gives him the middle finger casually.

“My name's Dr Catarina Loss, I will be doing your exam today. I know this is an invasive procedure so if at any point you feel uncomfortable, just let me know, and I’ll….”

Catarina’s voice wafts away as she directs Alec to the exam room. Jace settles in with a magazine from the table, waiting for his turn.

“Who’s that cute boy with Cat?” Meliorn walks up to Magnus’s station, signing out for his break.

“Alec Lightwood. He’s here to get tested.” Magnus answers forlornly. “With his boyfriend.”

“All the hot ones are taken, huh?” Meliorn sighs.

“Tell me about it.” Magnus nods in agreement.

Simon runs in, chart board in hand. “Magnus, you got my next patient?”

“Shouldn’t you be on your break right now?” Meliorn points out from behind the counter.

“I’m pulling in some extra time.” Simon shrugs. “What? I need the new Nintendo switch.”

“You do you.” Magnus hands him a receipt. “Here you go, patient details.”

“Thanks.” Simon nods before calling out the name. “Uh, Mr Herondale?”

“That’ll be me.” Jace smiles. “Oh hi there.”

“My name’s Simon.” The brunette smiles. “ Please follow me. I’m gonna prep you before Dr Roberts can do your check up.”

���Well, Simon, you can prep me anytime.” Jace winks. Simon’s ears tinge pink with blush as he walks the blonde to an exam room.

“Did he seriously just flirt with Si while his boyfriend’s getting tested?” Magnus looks at their disappearing forms.”Un-freaking-believable.”

“Maybe they’re in a poly relationship, Magnus. Don’t judge.” Meliorn tuts.

“Well, I’m pretty sure Mr. Lightwood's not.” Magnus shares a look with his coworker. “Anyway, you’re right. None of my business.”

---------------

“Overtime is awesome.” Simon practically skips his way towards the reception. “I have a date!”

“Cool!” Meliorn fistbumps the brunette. “Who is it?”

“It’s that patient I prepped for Maia earlier. He plays the piano and he’s coming to see the band later.”

“Did he say anything about who he came with here?” Magnus asks, ignoring the warning look Meliorn sent his way.

“Yeah, he said his brother can take the car and won’t mind if I gave him a lift to the venue after I get off of work. He even joked that his brother would probably be mad that he pulled this. Why?”

“Brother, huh?” Magnus cocks an eyebrow. Meliorn looks at him pointedly. “What! He asked out Simon. That makes it our business.”

“What are you talking about?” Simon looks between the two, confused.

“Hi again.” Alec walks up to the counter. “Do you have the payment receipt for me?”

“Hello.” Magnus turns to look at Meliorn shaking his head one last time, before deciding to just day fuck it to professionalism. “Can I talk to you privately for a moment?”

“Uh, sure.” Alec nods, clearly thrown off track. Magnus walks up to the waiting lounge away from the counter, Alec hot on his heels.

“Is there anything wrong with my test?” Alec asks, distraught. “I know I should get checked at least every six months, but last year’s been so busy and I-”

“It’s not about your test. I’m so sorry, it must’ve seemed like that.” Magnus smiles apologetically. “We won’t have the results till tomorrow anyway.”

“Oh.” Alec's expression clears for a moment, before turning more confused. “What did you need to speak to me about then?”

“It’s about your boyfriend.” Magnus takes a deep breath. “I think he’s cheating on you.”

“What?” Alec asks, looking a little lost.

“I know, I’m so sorry.” Magnus winces. “I probably shouldn’t have been so blunt. It’s a terrible thing to hear, I know. He asked out one of our nurses and I had to tell you.”

“Um.” Alec offers his input in the conversation, ever so eloquently.

“One of my coworkers told me you guys could probably be poly, which again, is fine, but after those things your boyfriend said about you thinking he’s the one for you, and vice versa, I just had to say something.”

“Wait. You-” Alec narrows his eyes. “I’m not poly. I don’t have a boyfriend. We’re not dating.”

“Oh my God, please tell me you guys aren’t married.” Magnus feels horrified. “Simon’s gonna be devastated if he finds out.”

“Who the hell is Simon?” Alec feels the conversation is changing every other second. “What are you talking about?”

“Hey Alec, there you are!” Jace walks in, car keys spinning in his finger. “Can you take the car home? This cute nurse gets off duty in ten minutes and we have sort of a date, if you catch my drift.”

“Are you serious right now?” Magnus’s eyebrows threaten to vanish into his hairline. “Talking about cheating right in front of the man you married?”

“Married?” Jace looks at Alec, questions clear on his face. “What is he talking about, Alec?”

“I don’t know exactly.” Alec looks back at Magnus. “We’re not married. We’re not dating. He’s free to date all the people he wants.”

“What?” Now it’s Magnus’s turn to lose track of the conversation.

“Yeah, and it’s almost double the amount of people because my brother here never actually goes out to date.”

“I’m busy with work, okay!” Alec protests weakly.

“Wait, hold on. Brothers?” Magnus looks at the two. “You two look nothing alike.”

“I’m adopted.” Jace clarifies.

“Oh.” Realization finally dawns on Magnus. “Wait, then why did you say those things earlier?”

“I was joking?” Jace shrugs. “I thought it was obvious.”

“Oh, my God.” Magnus tries to hide his face behind his hands. “I am so, so sorry. Oh God what have I done! Please don’t report me.”

“You were just trying to save someone from a bad relationship.” Jace shrugs. “Nothing to report.”

“Better a false alarm this time than an actual abusive one slipping by next time.” Alec smiles. “Though watching DuckTales with Jace snoring should qualify as abuse on its own.”

“Rude.” Jace glares at his brother, mumbling something about bloodthirsty beasts. “Listen, it’s been about ten minutes and I really think I have a shot with Simon. I gotta go.”

“I’ll take the car home, don’t worry.” Alec nods. “You can come by tomorrow to get it.”

“Thanks, bro.” Jace pulls Magnus aside while Alec finishes up with payment at the counter. “We good here?”

“Yeah we’re good.” Magnus gives him a nod of acknowledgement. “Sorry I accused you of cheating. On your brother.”

“It’s cool.” Jace shrugs. “Speaking of brother, you should ask mine out.”

“You think he’d be interested?” Magnus looks back at the man signing some papers at the counter.

“I think he started stammering when he saw you first, he couldn’t be gayer if a very gay spider bit him, and lastly,” Jace spares a glance at his brother, “he’s the best man I’ve ever known. He deserves someone who can look out for him. Like you did today.”

“Besides, there’s nothing wrong with a little fun at least.” Jace shrugs. “I’m pretty sure Alec’s forgotten what that word even means.”

“I’m over at the counter, not in a different room you idiot. I can still hear you.” Alec’s glare is imminent. “And I’m plenty of fun. It’s just yours and mine definition varies. By a lot.”

“Is that so?” Magnus cocks an eyebrow. “I have two tickets to the ice skating rink tomorrow. Maybe you could join me, that is, if it fits your definition of fun?”

“Yeah.” Alec smiles. “I’d like that.”

“Now are you glad I dragged you here?” Jace’s eyebrow wiggle meets Alec’s death stare.

“I still hate you.”

[theotherhufflepuff]

On Love's Light Wings

Carry On Countdown day 2 - Wings

Hello lovelies!

I've decided to join in on the countdown this year and I'm really excited to share some bits with you!

All my stories for this year's countdown take place in the same universe/timeline/whatever because once I had written this small fic, the boys' whole lives sort of unfolded in my mind.

This fic takes place roughly 18 months after the end of Any Way The Wind Blows. Simon has finally decided that the wings need to go.

~5.5K

content warnings: mentions of surgery/anaesthetic, surgical wounds & stitches (no graphic descriptions though), mentions of feeling sick (no one is actually sick), prescription painkillers, discussion of mental health/trauma.

On Love’s Light Wings

Baz

When I get to Dr Wellbelove’s surgery, Agatha greets me from behind the reception desk.

“Hello Basil, Niamh said you were on your way. How are you?” Agatha works at the surgery a couple of days a week because “I love the goats, I do, but they don’t need me twenty four-seven and I do enjoy actual human conversation, occasionally.” That also means she gets to have dinner with Brody at least once a week. It works for them.

“Hello Agatha. How’s Simon?” Not very cool and aloof of me, maybe, but I was starting to worry slightly. I had expected Simon to call me himself when the operation was over but Brody called instead. She didn’t say much; just that the operation was a success and that Simon was ready to be picked up. On the drive over here from the flat I started to worry that Simon had had another panic attack and stopped talking. That happens sometimes; he gets so worked up about something he just shuts down.

“Niamh’s just checking on him now. I’ll let her know you’re here.” Agatha disappears through a door behind the reception desk and I take a seat in the empty waiting area.

Several interminable minutes later, Agatha returns through the same door. “They’re just coming now.” She says as she settles back behind the desk, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

A door off to the side of the reception desk opens and Brody appears. She holds the door open and Simon shuffles through it, looking a bit unsteady and pale. “Simon, are you ok?” I ask, standing up. Simon sinks into the nearest chair.

“Sure he’s fine,” Brody answers, slightly too breezily for my liking. “He’s just shaking off the anaesthetic is all. He’ll be right as rain in a couple of hours, don’t you worry.” I wish I could use a right as rain on him, then he really would be fine in no time at all. Simon tries to smile at me reassuringly but it looks more like a grimace and he swallows hard.

“Anaesthetic?” I thought she was just going to numb the wings and tail; he wasn’t supposed to be put out.

“Mr Salisbury was having a hard time staying still enough for me to perform the surgery safely. On reflection, we decided that a general anaesthetic was the best course of action.” Brody explains.

Of course he wouldn’t sit still. When he’s nervous Simon fidgets like a spaniel puppy that’s had three cups of coffee. “Right.” I say, nodding. What else can I say? I sit in the chair next to Simon and put my hand on his knee, careful not to touch anywhere that might hurt. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I might be sick,” he replies quietly.

“Do not be sick in my car, Snow.” He laughs weakly, that makes me feel a bit better.

Brody explains that the surgery went as planned, apart from the bit where she had to knock him out. She explains about the stitches and the healing process, which will be long because we can’t spell him healed, and about keeping the dressings clean and dry. She hands me a white box with a printed sticker on the side. “I’ve prescribed some strong painkillers, just enough for the first few days. After that the pain should be manageable with paracetamol. If it’s not, give me a call, we need to be wary of infection.” I nod again.

“How’s the pain now Mr Salisbury?” Brody asks Simon. He’s leaning forward in his chair, careful not to put any pressure on the base of his spine where there’s still two inches of tail left. His colour is starting to return slowly.

“Bit like being stabbed by an orc-upine,” Simon says, looking up at her. Brody laughs.

“Now, you can’t possibly know what that feels like!” I don’t know what Brody and Wellbelove talk about but it obviously isn’t all the things that Wellbelove fell victim to when she was going out with Simon. Brody seems to be underestimating the ludicrous nature of our school days.

“He can,” Wellbelove interjects from behind the desk. “When was that? Fourth year, I think. Were you there for that one Basil?”

“I was. He ripped the spine out with his teeth. That’s what the scar is on his left shoulder.” I point to the place where the scar is, under his t-shirt. Brody raises her eyebrows and shakes her head disbelievingly.

“Well I couldn’t leave it there, could I? It’s very hard to swing a sword with an orc-upine spine in your shoulder,” Simon says matter-of-factly.

“Right, well…” says Brody, clearly trying to regain control of the situation. “You are free to go home. I’ve booked you an appointment for next week so I can check that everything is healing properly. Call me if you have any questions or concerns before then.”

“Thank you.” I say to Brody as I stand. “Come on, Simon, let’s get you home.” Simon gets up too quickly and I put a hand on his shoulder to steady him.

There’s slow-moving traffic on the way home. Simon falls asleep within five minutes of getting in the car, which at least reduces the risk of him throwing up in it. Occasionally he makes a small moaning sound and his face scrunches up. It reminds me of all the times I would watch him sleep in our room at the top of Mummers House.

I turned the radio off to let Simon sleep so I sit in the traffic in silence. Then I start thinking about Simon’s wings. I was, selfishly and secretly, a little bit disappointed when he told me he’d decided to finally do it. He’d said it before; a few times in fact, over the last few years but this time something told me he had really decided it was time.

I persuaded Simon to start talking to his therapist again because he was struggling to process the news about the Mage being his father. We all did, truth be told; it was a hell of a shock. Bunce had a lot to say about it. Her mother cried; she had to process almost as much information as Simon did. Shepard didn’t really know what was going on but he’s been a really good friend to Simon through everything. Now they go to the pub together without me and Bunce, it’s bizarre. I have no idea what they talk about but Simon is always happier after an evening with Shepard, so I don’t care.

Simon has worked really hard in the last eighteen months with the therapist. It’s not been easy; December was the worst it had been since before America. I thought he might give up again then; he’d started to shut down again, withdrawing into himself and not communicating with me or Bunce, he even stopped answering Shepard’s texts. But, true to his word, he kept trying, kept fighting. We spent Christmas with Lady Ruth and Jamie and he seemed so much lighter after that; like the reminder that he has a family now had buoyed him. He spoke to me then, Christmas night when he was tired and stuffed full of Christmas pudding and mulled wine (and cheese and turkey and mince pies… Lady Ruth’s mince pies are astounding). He told me he loved me and he still wanted to keep trying. He said he was going to get better so I could be proud of him. I am proud of him, I was then, too. He makes me proud every day.

That was almost a year ago and he’s turned the “trying” dial up to eleven since then. I could see, sometimes, that it was hard for him to tell me what he needed or what he was feeling; but I have learned to be as patient as he needs me to be, like getting a wild bird to hop onto your hand.

When he told me that it was time for the wings to come off he explained that they were sort of weighing him down; they were a giant reminder of all the stuff that had happened to him and he couldn’t forget about them because they were always in the way. He was always having to hide them or keep them from knocking things over; it was exhausting. I couldn’t argue with that; at least my fangs are mostly hidden unless I need them. I’d have them removed immediately if it would make me human again. That’s all Simon wants, I think; to feel human again. I’d never tell him that I’ll miss the wings; this isn’t about me at all. It’s about Simon and his recovery and he needs to do this. I’m so proud of him.

Simon

Baz wakes me up when we get home. It’s getting dark because it’s November but the street is still busy so he can’t exactly use his vampire strength to carry me up the stairs to our flat. He did have to do that once because I’d been out late with Shepard and was too drunk to climb the stairs when I got back. Apparently Shepard fell into a bookshelf when he got home and knocked Penny’s crystal ball over. She was so mad that it was all scratched that she made him sleep in my old bedroom. She found a spell to fix the scratches though.

All my limbs are too heavy and it feels like there are more stairs here than there were this morning. Baz stays behind me all the way up; I think he’s afraid I might fall down them. I am, too. He uses an open sesame on the door when I get to the top step and I stumble over to the sofa and flop down on it, face down because my shoulders ache.

“How are you feeling?” Baz asks. The anaesthetic fog is still hanging around in my brain. It takes me a long time to figure out what the answer is and then make my mouth move.

“Tired,” I say into the sofa cushion. I turn my head so I can breathe properly. “And hungry.” I was so nervous this morning I didn’t eat any breakfast.

Baz laughs at that. “Really? You don’t feel sick anymore?” he asks me, perching on the arm of the sofa by my head.

“No, I’m starving. Can we get a curry?” Baz laughs again. I like making him laugh. I used to think that one day I wouldn’t be able to make him laugh anymore and he would get bored and leave me. There were times neither of us laughed much at all. But he’s still here, still laughing. It’s such a warm sound and I want to touch him, to hold him, but he’s moved away from the sofa.

“Yeah, I’ll order us a curry. Do you need a painkiller?” He comes back from the kitchen with a glass of water for me; he puts it down on the coffee table. I only realise I’m thirsty when I see it and move slowly to sit up.

“Not yet, maybe I’ll have one before I go to bed.” I gulp down half the glass of water and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. The fog seems to be starting to lift from my brain, which is a relief. Baz sits beside me on the sofa, scrolling through the menu from our favourite curry house. “Extra samosas?” I ask, stretching slightly to test my range of movement, I can feel the stitches pulling slightly under the dressings.

Baz smiles indulgently at me. “Veg or Lamb?”

“Uhh… lamb, please,” I lean back but sit up again immediately when the back of the sofa presses against my wounds. Baz frowns at me; he keeps telling me I should buy some cushions for the sofa. I keep telling him I don’t care about “creating a colour pallet for the room”. I really don’t care about decorating or whatever, but I am secretly hoping he’ll do it. I want him to make this our home, but sometimes I think he still hasn’t really moved in, mentally. He still has stuff at his aunt’s place, even though he hasn’t spent a single night there since I invited him to stay with me for a few days eighteen months ago. It was a month before he moved his bags from by the front door. He said it was because I didn’t have a chest of drawers for him to put his stuff in, but I know that wasn’t the whole reason. I can’t blame him for being cautious though; I’d done nothing but hurt him up to that point.

He gets up and goes into the bedroom, coming back with two pillows from the bed. I lean forward and let him arrange them carefully behind me. “Thanks babe,” I say, leaning up to kiss his cheek. He rolls his eyes.

“The curry is going to be about 25 minutes. I’m going to go and hunt before it gets here, so I won’t have to go out again after. Will you be ok?” He’s trying to play it a bit cool but he’s starting to fuss over me.

“I’ll be fine. I will not be fine if I have to be stuck here, impaired, with a thirsty vampire all night.” I make a shooing motion with my hands and he frowns at me, but he goes.

And then I’m alone in the flat. It sort of feels like I need to stretch my wings and I even try once or twice but of course nothing happens. I have to keep reminding myself that they’re not there anymore. I realise I’m crying and I’m not really sure why. I take a deep breath and feel the heavy knot in my chest and try to figure out what I’m feeling. Loss, relief, anxiety, optimism… just a lot of feelings that all contradict each other. It feels too big, too heavy for me to contain. Joanne, that’s my therapist, will want to have a very long conversation about this next week.

I try to take it one feeling at a time. I expected to feel relieved; I’ve been living with these wings for three years and they’ve been a physical and mental weight all that time. Joanne said that trauma is like baggage we carry around with us until we learn to unpack it and leave the things we don’t need behind. Most people’s baggage is invisible but it weighs them down just the same. I was literally carrying my baggage on my back, always changing the way I moved, slept, dressed to accommodate it. At first I didn’t want to get rid of them because I was scared of what would happen when they were gone. Joanne says that I was living in “fight or flight” mode for so long that my brain didn’t know how to relax; it felt unsafe if there wasn’t a threat to manage, so it clung to the trauma – and the wings – as a sort of safety blanket. How messed up is that? I have literally lost a body part, several body parts really, so I suppose it’s normal to feel like I’ve lost something. It will take time to process that.

And now that they’re gone I’ll have more freedom; I won’t have to think about covering them up or accidentally stabbing someone on a busy tube… I’ll just be able to live my life. The concept is exciting but the enormity of it is scary, too. I know what I’m going to do first though and I’m going to tell Baz when he gets back. I didn’t want to tell him before in case I chickened out of the operation again. But I’m going to tell him now; I want him to be proud of me.

I think about all the things the wings represented to me. The Mage’s death, which I caused. Ebb’s death, which I couldn’t stop. The Humdrum, who hurt Baz to get to me. My own, 11-year-old, face looking up at me and asking me to help him. The first time I ever gave myself wings; when the Humdrum summoned me and Penny. I decide then that this grief needs to be felt. I just need to let it go, so I do. I sit on the sofa and cry, loud, howling, ugly, snotty crying; big, hot, fat tears running down my face in rivers. When I’m done I wipe my face with the back of my hand and drink the rest of the glass of water, still sitting on the coffee table. I take a few deep breaths and my chest feels lighter. I feel empty; sort of wrung-out.

I get up slowly, I feel sort of stiff but otherwise ok. I go to the kitchen and fill my glass again and then stand at the sink and splash cold water on my face. I’m still leaning over the sink when I hear the front door open behind me.

“Simon?” Baz sounds alarmed. He’s standing next to me in an instant. I wipe my face again and turn towards him.

“It’s ok, I’m fine! Baz, calm down!” He doesn’t look any less alarmed by the sight of my face. I must be quite a sight, all blotchy and tear-stained.

“You’ve been crying. What’s wrong? Do I need to call Brody?” He is in full-on panicking-about-my-hot-mess-boyfriend mode and already taking his phone out of the inside pocket of his coat. I sort of love it, I definitely love him for it; his panic face is a bit adorable, especially when it’s about nothing.

I put my hand out and push his phone down, away from his face. “Baz, stop. Listen to me. I’m fine,” I sniff and laugh at the disbelieving frown he gives me.

“Snow,” he says menacingly. I think he’s going to threaten me into explaining myself but then the door buzzes.

“That’ll be the curry,” I say lightly. “Will you get it, I’m a mess.”

He narrows his eyes at me. “Alright, but then you’re going to tell me what’s wrong.” I laugh at him again.

Baz brings the bag full of silver containers over to the kitchen table and I dish it all up while he washes his hands and gets drinks from the fridge. Baz will drink coke with literally any meal; I think that’s behaviour he usually keeps under wraps but you really learn stuff about a person when you live with them.

I put all the plates out on the coffee table and we sit on the sofa to eat. “Right,” Baz says, authoritatively, “what happened while I was gone, Snow?” He mostly just calls me Simon now, but he still calls me Snow when he’s worried, or pissed off. I don’t mind. I use my mum’s surname now because “Simon Snow” was an identity that had gotten away from me; it didn’t fit me anymore. It was a bit like the wings; it belonged to this person I was, all these things I had done that everyone knew about. “Simon Snow” wasn’t even a real person anymore; he was a myth - or a fraud – and he’s become totally separate from me. When I said that to Lady Ruth she insisted I take their family name. I wasn’t sure at first; the idea of having family was so foreign to me, but Lady Ruth and Jamie agreed that they would be thrilled for me to be a Salisbury, so that was settled. Professor Bunce and the other coven members helped me out making it all official. I kept Snow as my middle name because Lady Ruth and Jamie said it was just the sort of ridiculous name my mum would have chosen for me. Baz didn’t weigh in on my decision to change my name; he said that it wasn’t his business and he supported whatever I wanted to do. I think if I asked him to stop calling me “Snow” he would try, but some habits die hard and I really don’t mind. It reminds me of when we were at school and “hated” each other. We were both bloody idiots then.

“Nothing, really. It was a therapy cry. I just had to get it out of my system, you know?” I shove half a samosa into my mouth.

Baz nods, face serious. He seems to think about his next words while he chews his rice. “Ok. Do you feel better?” I know he worries about prying; he never wants me to feel like I have to tell him things, but I know he wants to know because he’s always concerned about me. It’s nice; to know that I can talk to him about it all, but it’s good to have space to process things by myself, too.

“I do actually, yeah. Losing the wings is… I don’t know. It’s a lot. I know that it’s going to be good for me, in the long run, but it comes with grief, too. Like I have to mourn the wings before I can heal all the stuff they caused.” Every time I think about the wings my shoulder muscles twitch like they’re trying to flap. It’s uncomfortable.

“That makes sense,” Baz says. “I’m glad you don’t regret it.”

“I don’t.” I say, and I mean it. “I feel like I’ll be able to get on with my life now, properly. I won’t have to keep asking you to spell my clothes to fit, or hiding away under hoodies in June. It was the right time; I needed to do it, for me.”

Baz puts his fork down on his plate and reaches his arm around my waist, squeezing slightly. “I’m so proud of you, Simon,” he says, quietly. It makes me feel warm.

“Speaking of living my life,” I say cautiously. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so nervous about telling him, I’ve been so excited about it all week. My mouth has gone dry; I clear my throat and gulp down some milk. Baz is eyeing me suspiciously, a forkful of rice suspended between his plate and his face. I clear my throat again. “I’m going to see a bloke about a job tomorrow.” I say to my plate, it comes out in a quiet rush.

Baz blinks in surprise, “oh. What sort of job is it?” he starts eating again but it’s a bit too casual, like he’s trying hard to look unbothered.

“It’s a blacksmith. Shepard knows a guy in Shoreditch who’s looking for an apprentice.” I can’t tell how Baz feels about this; he’s deliberately looking at his plate.

“A blacksmith? An actual blacksmith? In Shoreditch? I supposed that adds up…” He’s talking to himself more than me now. I put my plate down on the coffee table.

“I thought you’d be happy for me,” I mumble. Baz puts his plate down, too.

He frowns, “this is a lot of change all at once, Simon. Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Baz,” I say, it comes out more annoyed than I had intended it to; it sounds like Ba-az. “You have to trust me to make my own decisions. This is a big step for me and I need you to believe in me. I need you to believe in me more than I believe in myself.” I concentrate on keeping my breathing steady. This is one of those conversations that make me want to crawl under the bed like a nervous cat and stay there.

His face softens, “ok. I’m sorry, Simon,” he says. “I do believe in you; I just don’t want you to take on too much.” He’s making a face that I know means he’s remembering what it was like last time, before America. I hate that; I hate knowing how awful it was for him then.

“Hey, don’t.”

“What?”

“Think. Whatever you’re thinking, stop.” I reach over and squeeze his hand, trying to tell him I’m sorry, for all of it.

“I do believe in you, Simon.” He says again, quietly.

“I know. I know you do.” He squeezes my hand back.

“Tell me about this job. I didn’t know you wanted to be a blacksmith.” He picks up his plate again, so I do, too.

“I hadn’t really thought about it until Shep said,” I say through a mouthful of madras. “I was saying that I wanted to work but the wings made it a pain in the arse, because I would have to hide them all day every day, and Shep said that he knew a guy who might take me on,” I shrug.

“He’s a friend of Shepard’s? So not a Normal then, I take it?” Baz says wryly.

“Apparently he’s related to the either/orcs that live downstairs from Shep and Penny? His name is Kevin; Shepard lost a game of darts to him in the pub.”

Baz rolls his eyes “of course Shepard was playing darts with an either/orc in the pub. And he’s looking for an apprentice?”

“Yeah. The smithy is doing really well by the sounds of things, so he wants some help. Shepard said he’d mentioned me and Kevin was happy to meet me. I’m strong, I’m not afraid of a bit of hard work and I know something about weapons so it made sense.” I’m starting to feel excited about it again now.

“Does he, uh, know who you are?” Baz asks. He means does he know I’m Simon Snow, former Chosen One and proven fraud.

“Yeah, he does. Once Shepard explained about the wings, Kevin said that wasn’t a problem. He said I wouldn’t have to hide my wings in the smithy, just if I was in the shop with customers. A lot of his customers are creatures, too, so even then it probably wouldn’t matter. But I wanted to have the wings off first, have a fresh start, you know?” I put my clean plate down and pick up another samosa.

“What time are you meeting him?” Baz asks, finishing his can of coke.

“Two o’clock. That’s when he closes on a Saturday so he’s going to show me around while there’s no one to interrupt us. I really want this job, Baz.” He’s looking at me the way you might look at a puppy that can’t make it over the doorstep in one bounce.

“I think you’ll be a great blacksmith,” Baz says, and he sounds like he means it.

Baz

I wake up before Simon, as usual, and decide to let him sleep in. The effort of taking a shower last night seemed to be all he could manage; he was in bed and asleep in five minutes. Brody spelled his dressings to be waterproof and sterile so he could take a shower without having to change them, which is somewhat of a relief. I don’t know if I could handle changing the dressings on a fresh wound. Yesterday when I picked him up, Simon smelled of hospital disinfectant and it was taking the edge off of the blood smell, but now he’s washed it off… I’m going to need to hunt a bit more often until he starts to heal, is all.

While I’m showering I start thinking about this job. I was surprised when Simon first told me about it, and I am worried that this is too much all at once but he’s right; I have to let him do this. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense; Simon as a blacksmith. I think he’s probably going to injure himself a lot, but I do think he’ll be good at it, and happy. An office job was never going to work for him.

Last night, Simon said that he was sick of living off of the Mage’s money - which is nearly all gone now anyway - and my job. My job is the reason the Mage’s money has lasted as long as it has. He wanted to make his own money, for himself, and for me, and the wings were stopping him from doing that before. He really wants this job, so I really want it for him, too.

I get dressed quickly and leave Simon a note on the kitchen table. Had to nip out, be back soon. I can get to Oxford Street just in time for the shops to be opening and be back in time to bring him brunch.

***

When I get back to the flat, Simon is sitting on the sofa drinking tea in his boxers and a too-big t-shirt I know has huge slits in the back that were made to accommodate his wings.

“Hi babe. Where have you been?” He asks when he sees the bags I’m holding.

“I went to your favourite bakery,” I say. I set the bags down on the floor, balancing a cardboard tray holding two takeaway coffee cups in my other hand. I reach into a bag and pull out a smaller paper bag and wave it at him.

“You brought me scones?” He says, coming to take the bag off of me and taking it over to the kitchen.

“And coffee,” I say, putting the tray down on the kitchen table. Simon has his head in the fridge, looking for the butter. He retrieves it and takes a coffee cup from the table on his way past. He starts drinking.

“Ugh,” he says, scrunching his face up, “that’s yours. How do you drink that? It’s like syrup.” He has no appreciation for good flavoured coffee. I laugh at him and swap the cups.

“Here you go. One flat white. You might as well just have a coffee milkshake,” I sneer at him. We both laugh.

“What’s all this for?” Simon asks. I sit down opposite him at the kitchen table.

“I’m really proud of you, Simon. I know it hasn’t been easy, all this therapy and stuff. But you’ve come so far. I don’t think I’m always good at telling you that I can see the progress you’re making.” I don’t tell him enough, truthfully. I could tell him every hour on the hour for the rest of our lives and it wouldn’t be enough.

He looks embarrassed. “Thanks, Baz.” He says quietly to his coffee.

“And,” I say, getting up to fetch the bags I left by the front door. “I thought you should have something to wear to this job interview.”

“It’s not really an interview…” Simon mutters. “I was just going to borrow something of yours.” Which is exactly what he does every time he needs something smart to wear. After Watford Simon owned next to nothing; a few pairs of jogging bottoms and hand-me-down t-shirts that didn’t fit. Since then he’s only amassed a collection of bare-essentials, all too big or cut-up, or both. Nothing fits and he only bought and wore clothes for function as defined by his wings and tail. I think it was having a real impact on his self-confidence.

“Nope. You, Simon Salisbury, are going to own your own clothes, and they are going to fit and be comfortable. And then,” I cock an eyebrow at him, “you can stop dropping food down my nice jumpers.” I wave the bags in his direction, “go and try these on.”

I didn’t by much; just a couple of pairs of jeans that actually fit him, a few basic t-shirts and lovely wool coat, for the winter. I got a few nice shirts, too; a white, a black and grey one in the same shade as a suit I lent him once. He looks gorgeous in everything, and I think he’s starting to realise it, too.

“We can go shopping for anything else you need when you get paid,” I say “but I thought you should have some essentials to go out in first.”

“Thank you, Baz. You didn’t have to do this.” He sounds like he might cry. Dozy sod. He comes over and kisses me. He tastes like coffee and butter. I put my hand on the back of his neck and move it up slowly to tangle my fingers in the curls at his crown. He pulls away from me.

“Take a cold shower, Baz, I’ve got to get ready for a job interview,” he’s teasing me, his eyes twinkling with humour.

“How am I supposed to help myself when my boyfriend looks so fit?” I slide my hands around the waistband of his new jeans.

He laughs, “You just like dressing me up.” He’s not wrong about that. He wraps his arms around my neck and puts his head on my shoulder.

I hug him back, tight around his waist, careful not to go anywhere near his shoulders. “You deserve this, Simon. You deserve to be comfortable and feel good about yourself.”

Apparently, that’s as much romantic rubbish as Simon can take this morning because he changes the subject. “What’s in the other bag?” He points to the bag I left on the living room floor.

“Oh, I bought some cushions for the sofa,” I shrug. He hugs me again.

“I love you, Baz,” he says into my shoulder.

“I love you too, Snow.”