#GOD THIS ALBUM IS MAKING ME FEEL DELUSIONAL INSANE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

twopoppies · 3 years

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Ok, I’m gonna ask something and I really really hope where I’m coming from translates because I know how this can look.

I’m asking this question because I often ask it to myself, and I don’t know that I have an answer to it, but I’m young and new and I see you as a fandom auntie imparting your wisdom so maybe you can help me? I’m in my head a lot, all the time.

What would it take for you to go “alright that’s it, there is no Larry/they’re not together anymore”? I know, I know this question is shady. I’ve seen it thrown around a bunch of times in the year I’ve been a fan and it always gets a snarky response (which I totally get because I don’t think it comes from a genuine place). But as I said, I keep asking it to myself and when that happens I get a little frantic. Does that make sense? Like, it kind of gives me anxiety to think about that.

I keep wondering, if 5 more years go by and Freddie is still around... how would I feel? I don’t THINK that’s gonna happen, but then again, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight and he’s already 5, so who the fuck knows, you know? Would I be a firm believer on what I believe if I saw an 8, a 10 year old kid talk about Louis as his dad? I don’t have an answer... and it scares me, because it makes me feel delusional and I know I’m not.

What would happen if Louis and Eleanor got married? Do I think it will happen? No... but I mean, I also didn’t think they’d survive this long. When I first came into the fandom everyone was saying they’d break up soon and it’s been a year. How would I cope if that happened? If they had a kid? Would I patiently wait for it to be revealed that things aren’t as they seem? Would I give up?

What if Harry and Olivia become more serious? What if they date for years and he takes her to events or talks about her? Like, I know, I KNOW he’s never done it before, but I also know that he has never called any of his stunts “my ex girlfriend” before Camille, and he even included her voice in a song... so like, do we REALLY know? He hadn’t held hands with one of his stunts since Taylor, and he’d never taken them as plus ones to anything. He seems to be actively participating a lot more than with Camille. I did my research, they were seen together far less and mostly maintained it by her going to his concerts. Idk it just seems that he was so low key with stunts in the past and instead of taking steps to maybe come out, he’s taking steps to make his relationships look more serious. He “dated” those women for a couple of months tops, now he’s stuck in long “relationships” that have to involve his family and idk it kinda sucks. What’s the guarantee they won’t take it a step further? How would I react if they did?

These things are in my head constantly and I don’t know what to think. What WOULD I do? Would I get fed up and leave the fandom, regardless of what I believed? So many people have done that but I can’t see myself not supporting H&L, they feel like such an important part of my life.

God, I’m sorry for how long this was and how annoying it must be. I guess I just need a little guidance.

Hi sugar. Wow... there’s lots going on here and I don’t think I can actually address everything you’re asking. So, let me start by saying that I don’t have a set “if this happens, I’m out” line in the sand. For me, I imagine I’ll leave when fandom is no longer fun for me, but I don’t think longevity or mutation of the stunts would necessarily be the final straw.

The thing is, for those of us who’ve been here since the band was together, we saw how different Harry and Louis’ attitude was towards their closeting. They actively fought against it. Loudly. Somewhere along the way, after the hiatus, things seem to have shifted a bit. Not that they want to be closeted, but it feels as though they might have a different perspective on it these days.

So, I guess the question could be... do they want to come out anytime soon? And I really don’t know. Louis has barely gotten his solo career off the ground. Harry is doing extremely well with his extremely frustrating fence straddling. Would coming out soon hurt their career goals? I think babygate is an entirely separate issue and regardless of anything else, that just isn’t sustainable. There’s too much that’s shady there for me to ever think he had a baby with her. And I just can’t see the family agreeing to continuously lie to their child for an open ended amount of time now that he’s really old enough to understand. I mean, I guess I shouldn’t put anything past them, but that seems insane.

So if they’re not ready to make that big change, stunts could look different than they used to. Camille staying for a year and Eleanor coming back made it possible for each of them to write an album that included songs about long term love, and allowed them to talk about it during promo with as much honesty as they wanted/were able to share. Not everything has changed for the worse.

When I try to look at the situation from their POV, and assume that they have a bit more power than they did pre-hiatus, I feel less anxious about things. But more than anything, I think what helps is to remember that this is their lives. They know what’s best for them. We might not like it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re suffering or that you’re wrong about your assumptions about them. If you’re here to support them, then I think all you can do is just support them and remove any time frames and specific expectations. If it gets in the way of your mental health, please take a break. Fandom will still be here. I have good friends who are still ride or die Larries, but they just can’t handle being here right now.

Lastly, it sounds as though asking yourself these “what would I do” questions is a form of future worrying that is actually causing you some real anxiety. There really isn’t a point in wondering how you would react to something that may never happen. It won’t keep it from happening, but it is keeping you from enjoying where you are now.

I know this got long, but I hope there’s something helpful there. 💗

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miami2k17 · 2 years

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Omg you are talking about meaning of the songs but I’m working and can’t participate😭 Anyway if you have other thots about post them pls. That’s my favorite subject 🥵

👁️👁️ u have unleashed the insane person in me by saying this.

yk i was just thinking about how the death of you and me sounds like something that was written pre-oasis breakup, it's always been one of those songs that I've never been able to really get, but i've been thinking about if i had a gun a lot lately, which was written pre-oasis breakup, and that made me think, noel is a known lyrics hoarder. there's things on his solo albums that are pulled from demos that are 30 years old. so i think this was something he wrote pre-oasis breakup, but just like if i had a gun, as things were going to shit and he knew it.

the title is what tripped me up for so long i think, i always expected it to somehow be written about the experience post oasis, how their relationship had fallen apart n they split etc etc from a hindsight view where he was looking back on it. but the lyrics aren't really like that. they're definitely a little sad but they're not like that,

like immediately you have things that tip you off to it being pre-breakup. idk if i'm dumb or i've just become delusional enough to pull something out of nothing but "isn't it a pity that the sunshine is followed by the thunder, and thoughts of going under" = even when things are good, they fall apart again, every time. basically just how their relationship was so fucked up and unstable by that point, and it's getting harder and harder to keep going and not just quit.

"and is it any wonder why the sea is calling out to me" again i think this is about him leaving. is it any wonder with the way things are that the thoughts of leaving were seeming more and more appealing?

"i seem to spend my whole life running, from people who would be the death of you and me, cause i can feel the storm clouds sucking up my soul" k this is where it gets juicyyy imo! i believe this to be him saying that he's ignoring good advice from people he trusts to leave a situation that makes him miserable because he's too...idk! scared to leave! codependent! in love! i genuinely think he tried to hold onto it as long as he could stand it. i can definitely believe everyone around noel that he trusted at that point was probably telling him to get the fuck out of oasis. it was definitely something he planned in the end i think, so i think it was already being discussed with people. the "storm clouds" obv like the aforementioned thunder/horrible relationship with liam is sucking the life out of him, which is why he's running from those people to begin with. or maybe it's about how he feels the end of the band coming and wants to hold onto it as long as possible.

again a mention of "high tide" which i think symbolises either how he feels like he's stranded somewhere or drowning, basically stuck there, or it could mean oasis overall and how they were on their way to "going under".

"no one has the answer, i try to face the day now in a new way, the bottom of a bottle, cause every man's a puzzle" aghrGhrh HE IS DRINKING TO COPE WITH HOW BAD THINGS WERE, NOT BEING ABLE TO FIX THINGS, NOT BEING ABLE TO MAKE A DECISION sorry this line just always makes me want to start barking literally. alcoholism as a form of escapismmm to cope with the relationship between him and liam falling apart babyyy. also related unrelated but this reminds me of how liam said as soon as noel left oasis he went back to the hotel and got blackout drunk Immediately. they are so ....My God. anyways

like do i even gotta explain these ones 🤨 i do think it's incredibly fucking sad though lol. it ties in for me with the line in if i had a gun (if i had the time i'd stop the world and make you mine) about wanting to escape and be together somewhere away from everyone else. it really makes me wonder abt a few things. 4 example ☝️😐 i know liam has this idea, i think, that noel himself is not the bad one, but the people around him are, and are making him bad. if he could just get noel back and alone with him, he would be how he used to be and they would be fine.

ok put ur tinfoil gcest hats on: i kind of feel like noel also writes about something similar from time to time, like here. it's just not as dramatic, and it's more about everyone else/the judgement of the world instead of about them or liam specifically. not to sound like that one comment on the champagne superuglycunt vid, but clearly their relationship not the kind of thing you can just be open about. so i think it's kind of a wish of escapism and to remove the world's view or judgement from the equation, and then they could finally be happy.

obviously he has a family and a wife and he loves them, and i know he's happy with them, but he always wrote about being like Filled with Sin and keeping secrets, which came across to me like he was always terrified of judgement for that. like he literally wrote a song called lock all the doors i mean- (thinking abt the russell brand podcast ep where russell makes a joke about him sleeping with liam and you can hear him lose his marbles and panic until russell has to literally be like...plz calm down bro I haven't heard anything it was a joke. for all the little jokes he makes when he's in control of the situation and Above The Law, i think the idea of the world's judgement on that if it got away from him rightfully scares the shit out of him.)

ANYWAYS i think because of that unique situation where you will literally never be able to just be together, he's maybe wishing for some kind of fantasy world where they could just leave it all behind and it would be okay, no judgement, no more pressures. obviously that would fix nothing bc they're both still 2 traumatized insane guys but. yk. who am i to judge

"i'm watching my tv, or is it watching me?" besides being super fun to scream-sing i'm truthfully i'm not super sure about this line, maybe something to do with his level of fame in oasis, again mentioning trying to escape the public eye and judgement of the world? i dunno man still not sure about this one 🤔

"i see another new day dawning, it's rising over me, with my mortality" = the freedom of being solo that he clearly wanted, him feeling more and more like he couldn't do it anymore, and he wouldn't have forever to just make that choice for himself and do what was ultimately gonna make him happy!

anyway in conclusion i am fucked in the head

#i literally just like speak with no filter these posts probably read like actual nonsense sorry #it's probably so jumbled because you're seeing my like actual unfiltered thought process laid out in text #noel #oasis #long post

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dinoyoongi · 4 years

Text

Confirm or Deny (4)

SYNOPSIS: You’re a member of the rising group FRNZEE. You’ve been dating Namjoon for years when Dispatch releases an article exposing your relationship. Your company confirms the relationship. Big Hit denies it.

PARTS: ONE | TWO | THREE | FOUR | FIVE

PAIRING: Namjoon x Reader

GENRE: Romance, Angst

WARNINGS: Strong language

WORD COUNT: 4819

AUTHORS NOTE: Finally - so sorry about the long wait! Fall was an extremely busy season for me both work and personal wise. There will only be one or two more parts left depending on how I choose to wrap the story up but there won’t be toooooo long of a wait for it this time. Please make sure to like/comment/reblog if you enjoy the story! Thank you! ❤️ (P.S.- this is totally unedited so any mistakes are my own)

_________________________________________

“Are you sure that this a good idea?” Ji-na asks from the doorway, arms crossed over her chest as she watches you pull a sweater over your head. “Things are still bad, Y/N. They're still pulling vandalized advertisements from-”

From everywhere.

Since you've become the laughing stock of the k-pop industry, fans (ARMY mostly, you'd wager to guess) have begun making you into the clown that they obviously believe you are. All around the city, advertisements featuring your group have been vandalized wherever they're posted – soju posters in restaurants, fashion billboards in the train stations, album promotions on the side of city buses. The damage can be as little as a small mustache scribbled above your upper-lip to something as extreme as animal feces being smeared across your face.

“I'm aware, Ji-na. The company makes it a point to send me every video and photograph of every reported incident,” you tell her, unable to restrain the edge in your voice. “I just want to support you. I want to be there … I can't hide in this building for another minute.”

Ji-na's face softens. “Won't it be difficult for you, though? To watch us perform? To watch us stand on that stage without you? We already know that you support us – you don't have to make yourself uncomfortable to show it.”

You pause, your fingers stilling on the laces of your shoes. She's absolutely right – it was going to be uncomfortable. More than that, it was going to hurt insanely bad. You were aware of this, you were prepared for this. But as masochistic as it was, you needed to be there. Just to be in the building, surrounded by the frantic bustling of groups and managers and stylists … if that would make you feel normal – even for a minute – you would take the tradeoff.

“I want to go, Ji-na,” you stress, rising upright and turning to face your concerned friend. “Please just let me be there. I need to be there. I'll be okay – I promise.”

Her eyes roam the expanse of your face for what feels like minutes, searching for any kind of twitch or frown or quiver that might expose a wariness on your face. But when she finds nothing, she slumps her shoulder with a sigh of finality, giving up and nodding with an accepting smile.

“We leave in ten minutes. You know the drill – hat and face mask on. Be ready or we go without you,” she warns, a finger pointing in your direction. You're not given a chance to respond before she's turning on her heel to exit the room.

_____________________________________

Pulling into the parking garage of the KBS building, you're overcome with an overwhelming sense of nervousness. Lifting your hand from your lap, you're startled to see your own fingers trembling.

“Ugh, I need soju right now. I'm so nervous,” one of your members cries from the backseat. There's a chorus of agreement among the residents of the van. You'd like to join them because you also feel like throwing up, but you know it's not for the same reason.

This parking garage … this cold, dimly lit, nothing-but-concrete parking garage … how does it immediately trigger so many memories? Like the time that BTS invited you to the taping of their debut Music Bank performance and told the crew that you were one of their makeup artists so you could hang out in their dressing room – you remember a game of hide and seek in this garage before their performance that ended with Taehyung falling directly onto his face and bruising his chin. The real makeup artist had to apply four layers of foundation to cover the red and darkening splotch of skin. Or there was the year that FRNZEE and BTS were promoting at the same time. After having an argument with Seokjin, Namjoon had convinced you to sneak away from your group and the two of you hid out in his company's car with the tinted windows for almost an hour.

Out of everything, you definitely did not expect a fucking parking garage to conjure up thoughts of Namjoon.

It's been nearly one month since he abruptly ended your relationship. You want to say that you've been a strong, independent woman – that you took the breakup in stride and were moving on with your life.

That'd be a very laughable lie, though. You were – and still are – the definition of a hot mess.

You've sent texts – oh, god, you sent so many texts. You've left voicemails, of both the drunk and sober variety. You've sent emails asking him to return your texts and voicemails. You've even written a few letters but you're positive that instead of the mailing the parcels as requested, your manager probably shredded them.

Namjoon was yours for almost ten years. Ten fucking years. How could he just be done with you so quickly? How could he just stop all form of contact? Did these past ten years not matter? Did he fall out of love with you?

Maybe since he's Grammy nominated now, he knows he's capable and deserving of being with someone more beautiful than you, more talented than you, more successful than you.

Someone else. Not you.

A sharp pain in the palm of your hand makes you wince. You look down to see that at some point during your self-deprivation, you've gripped hard onto the charm of the necklace that Namjoon had given you. Designed for you. You let it go and exhale a breath to expunge the gross thoughts from your head. There's a massive part of your heart and your brain that's telling you how much Namjoon loved you, how much he respected you, that he would never do that to you. But the small portion of your broken heart and your fizzled brain are louder, screaming and screeching that you aren't good enough to be the leader of BTS' girlfriend. In a dark, dusty corner of your self-esteem, he always seemed to be too good for you. And now your insecurities have been unleashed on the possibility that it was absolutely true.

He's embarrassed of you. The other boys are embarrassed of you. They literally don't want to be associated with you.

What else are you supposed to think?

“Alright, girls, it's time!” your manager yells from the driver seat, his loud claps startling you. “Remember that you need to pose for some photos outside before you can go in. If you want to fix your makeup, do it now and be quick, please. Y/N, you'll be standing off to the side with me. Make sure your mask is pulled up, okay?”

Your sigh is exaggerated as you watch your members pull their compacts from their clutches, reapplying lip tint, pressing eyeshadow pigment onto their lids, fixing flyaway hairs. They're dressed casual but they look beautiful. They look like idols.

It doesn't escape you that as you're pulling your hat down and your mask up – you don't feel anything of the sort.

You follow behind your manager as the girls trail ahead, strutting out of the parking garage and into the designated photograph spot. A large crowd of people behind barriers excitedly call out member names as they get into position, prompting rehearsed giggles from the girls. You don't realize you're whimpering as they perform the group greeting until your manager pats your shoulder.

“Try not to look upset, okay? I'm sure some of them have already recognized you and they'll be scrutinizing your every move,” he whispers in your ear. You nod once to affirm that you've heard him, keeping your eyes locked on the group.

They pose silly, they laugh among themselves, they look like a complete group. They look perfect. They … they don't look like they miss you at all.

“She's here! I knew it!” a voice screeches not far from where you stand. You lift your head, craning your neck to see what member the excited fan was yelling for. There's a group of girls in school uniforms loitering the side of the building but their attention isn't on the group, instead on a large trash can that sits against the wall. Everyone in the vicinity startles when one of the girls knocks it over, scattering bits of trash and discarded items across the entire lot.

You turn to face your manager. “Isn't there KBS security here? Are they going to allow them to garbage pick right in front of the talent?”

He shrugs. “I don't know. That's not my problem though. We're gonna wrap this up and go instead in just a few-”

“Stay away from Namjoon, you delusional whore!”

You don't have time to search for the source of the threat before something is hurled into the side of your head. You cry out, nursing the sensitive patch of scalp as you glance down at the offending object. A half-eaten, dirty apple?

“We won't let you get away with it!” another voice shrieks. The voice is followed by a flying cup – a large tumbler that you might get at a coffee shop – that smacks you right in the center of your face, the remaining contents of the cup soaking your gray sweater in dark brown splotches. Your manager shoves you behind him as he begins to scream.

“Don't any of you move a muscle! You will be sued for assault – I promise!” he warns. On the other side of the lot, the cameras that had been capturing your members are now turned on you. You watch as more girls surround the fallen trash can, filling their arms with garbage to use as weapons. Nobody stops them.

“We should sue her for slander! She tried to ruin Namjoon's reputation with her lies!”

There's a brief cheer of agreement before more garbage is being pelted in your direction; a broken hair brush, empty snack containers, more half-drunk coffee cups that have soaked not only you but your poor manager. He's lost his grip on you, stepping forward to push at any of the girls who dare to come too close. Unfortunately, this leaves you wide open.

Banana peels, cigarette buts, more fucking coffee cups – doesn't this country ever finish their damn beverages? – discarded makeup, used tissues … they hit you with precision. You curl your body into the wall, a feeble attempt to protect your face. You tilt your chin up to glance at your group; the spot where they stood is clear now and when you look farther down, you see their backs as they rush into the building.

They left without you. All of them. Even Ji-na.

They left you here. To be drenched in garbage.

Your manager is still fighting off a horde of the girls, screeching into his cell phone for help. When one of them gets a good grip on your hair and yanks you to the ground, the group of photographers finally realize the seriousness of the situation and begin to chase them off. Above you, though, is two of the meanest faces you have ever seen. One has your ponytail in a dangerous clutch and the other sneers at you from behind her phone, another cup in her hand. They glance at each other briefly before the cup tips, dousing you in more questionable liquid.

You're not a weakling – you could fight back. You could kick her right off of you. You could kick that phone right out of her hand. It would be so easy for you.

But this … this is it. This is where you break. There is where you realize that you don't have anymore fight left inside of you. You don't have the heart or the willpower or the mental resolve to get back up on your feet right now.

“That's enough!” a deep voice booms. “Get your hands off of her right now!”

Before the girls can even react, they're being pulled from you. Because your hair is still wrapped around her fist, you're yanked upwards with them. You holler in pain, smacking at her hands for release. It isn't until a large man wearing a KBS security shirt forcibly grabs her hand from your hair does she let it go.

With vision blurred by tears, you watch through watery eyes as the girls are shoved into police cars. When did those get here?

“Oh my god, Y/N. Are you okay? Where are you hurt?” your manager asks frantically, his eyes roving your form for any scratches or bruises or blood. “I'm so sorry – I didn't see them sneak behind me. I thought … I thought you left with the other girls. I motioned for them to bring you … I thought ...”

Oh. It makes sense.

Even your own group is embarrassed of you.

You open your mouth to speak but your chin trembles too violently to form any words.

“Come on, we have to meet the police at the hospital. I'll call another manager to watch the girls here on the way.”

His arm wraps around your side, noticing your wobbling legs. You take only one step forward before he notices something on the ground. “Oh! Isn't this your necklace? You were wearing it earlier.”

It's broken, the chain completely snapped in half. The moon gem is scratched and scuffed from where it was probably stepped on. You don't remember feeling it break loose in the scuffle but in all fairness to yourself, you stopped feeling anything after the fifth piece of garbage hit you in the face.

“No, that's not my necklace. It's just garbage. Leave it.”

__________________________________

An hour and twenty-eight minutes is all it takes for news to spread that troublemaker FRNZEE member Y/N was assaulted by BTS fans at the taping of Music Bank. The incident even made the afternoon news. When your manager attempts to turn the hospital room's television off, you refuse, keeping your eyes locked onto the humiliating videos that are now being broadcast to the entire country.

“The doctors said to keep your stress levels down, Y/N. You've lost thirteen pounds in less than a month and you haven't even been dancing,” he pleas, sinking down onto the chair next to you. Stressed. Stressed, stressed, stressed. It's a word that's been thrown around multiple times since you've arrived but you know what it really means. You know what it's code for, what they don't want to outright tell you.

You're having a fucking breakdown.

“The company is releasing a statement today. Soon, probably within the hour,” he tells you hesitantly.

You roll your eyes. “Let me guess – I'm on an extended hiatus from all group activities to work on my mental health?”

“Pretty much word for word,” he confirms solemnly.

You scoff, feeling another rising pressure on your chest. You didn't do anything. You haven't been doing anything. You've been hiding out in your dorm like a hermit crab for over a month just as they wanted you to do and you're going to punished because a group of psychotic sasaengs attacked you?

“They're going to kick me out of the group, aren't they?” you ask, your voice small. Your manager is silent and the sound of nothing only makes your chest throb even harder. “I … I don't- I don't understand … what did I do to deserve this? I worked just as hard as anyone else. I did what they told me and laid low. Those girls are going to get a slap on the wrist and I'm going to lose my group? Is this what's going to happen?”

Your manager sighs heavily before breaking his silence. “I'm sure everything will work out for you, Y/N. Please don't worry too much about it.”

Blinking back the pooling moisture behind your eyes, you divert your attention to your phone. Although your manager's phone has been ringing and buzzing non-stop since you arrived, yours has not. The media doesn't know your personal phone number so you didn't expect any messages from them but … what about the group?

“Were the members' phones taken away in their dressing room?” you ask hesitantly. Please say yes, please say yes.

Your manager shakes his head. “No, not that I know of.

“Oh,” you exhale. Sensing the dark shift in your breath, Manager glances at the screen of your phone on your lap. When he sees the text display “No new notifications,” he immediately realizes his error.

“Do you know what? My texts have been kind of delayed. Maybe we just don't get good service here. Let me take your phone downstairs and see if the messages come through, okay?” he talks so fast that you can barely make out the words that he's throwing at you. He doesn't offer you any chance to argue before he's quickly shuffling out of the room, your phone in hand.

_________________________________________________

“That's a wrap for now, Namjoon. Great job! Take an hour to eat and rest and we'll have your new wardrobe ready when you're finished,” the director of photography suggests, lifting his camera from the tripod. It's been an extremely long morning of photo and video shoots for next few chapters of BTS World – the group's successful mobile game. Namjoon bows respectfully before turning to rush to the catering table. He has spent the last hour so hungry that he knows everybody in the room could probably hear his stomach grumbling. After fixing himself a plate of assorted foods – kebabs, kimchi, sliders and some french fries – he sighs in relief when he's able to drop himself onto the sofa.

“Namjoon,” his voice is called but not loudly. Mouth stuffed with fries, he glances up to where Yoongi stands in front of him, phone clutched tightly in both hands.

“What's up, hyung?” he garbles through his food. He fights to swallow it down when he notices Yoongi's furrowed brows, the corners of his lips tilted downward in a worried frown. Something has happened. “What's going on? Are the boys okay?”

“It's not the boys,” he mumbles and Namjoon swears he hears a crack in the elder's voice. Yoongi stares at the screen of his phone for a few hard seconds before hesitantly turning the screen, holding it at Namjoon's eye level. “You need to see this.”

Namjoon is confused at first – the video begins with FRNZEE – minus Y/N, of course – engaging in silly poses in the parking lot of the KBS building. Loud voices and cheers for specific members infiltrate the audio but that's normal – there are always fans present when idols arrive to music show recordings. He's one second away from questioning his hyung on why this particular video has him so upset when it happens. There's indecipherable screaming before the shaky camera pans away from FRNZEE to the side of the building where a group of people are whipping garbage at somebody. The person in question is huddled against the wall with her hands around her head, her howls and pleas for them to stop cutting through the shouting. When the cameraman gets closer and closer, Namjoon's stomach drops to his knees when he realizes who the cowering, defenseless victim being attacked with garbage is.

The plate of food falls to the carpet.

“Namjoon -” Yoongi begins but he snatches the phone of out his hands, holding it close to his face as if the nearness of the video will make the contents stop. The video just keeps going. Nobody stops the attackers, nobody pulls you away from the scene. He's so close to Yoongi's phone that his nose brushes against the screen, his eyes wide as he watches somebody yank you by the hair. The screech of pain that follows pierces Namjoon who emits a tearless sob of anguish.

The finale of his heartbreak comes when one of the girls is violently pulled off of you by a security guard. In the scuffle, the necklace – his necklace, the one he spent months designing just for you – is ripped from your neck.

“Pick it up, pick it up,” he chants desperately, eyes trained on the small, neglected piece of jewelery on the ground by your feet. And then the video ends. The last frame it freezes on is you – hysterical, bruised, bloody and dirty – leaning against your manager for support.

When he lifts his head in shock, he's surprised to see the other five members next to Yoongi, eyes downcast and phones in their hands. They've seen it too.

“I did this,” he wheezes in disbelief. There's a painful swell in his chest and his heart is beating so hard that he can almost hear it. “I did this to her. This is all my fault.”

“Hyung, no,” Jimin admonishes, rushing to join Namjoon on the sofa. He wraps a comforting arm around his shoulder, squeezing. “You didn't do this. Those terrible girls did this.”

“They're ARMY though,” Jungkook's voice is almost a whisper. “Those are our fans that did this. To Y/N.

“No, I did this,” Namjoon snaps, shoving at Jimin's grasp and rising to his feet. “I denied our relationship to the public. I got her pulled from the comeback. I broke up with her. This is all on me.”

He's suddenly overcome with an overwhelming need to see you. To touch you. To know that you're okay with his own eyes. To get down on his hands and knees and beg for forgiveness. Maybe if he wouldn't have broken up with you, maybe if he would have just answered one of your many calls or texts, maybe … maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe.

Before he realizes what he's doing, his jacket is already on his shoulders.

“Namjoon, where are you going?” Jin sighs.

“Where do you think I'm going? That's my fucking girlfriend that they attacked. I need to see her.”

“She's not your girlfriend anymore,” Yoongi corrects softly. Namjoon feels a hand pull at the sleeve of his jacket, guiding him back toward the sofa. “And unless you're planning on getting back together with her, it's a very bad idea for you to visit her.”

Lowering himself back down onto the cushions, he drops his head into his hands. Does he want to get back together with you? Without a fucking doubt. You were his Sweets – the love of his life. But he didn't deserve you. No, you deserved someone who wasn't a coward, someone who would give you the world without any hesitation.

Namjoon was only somebody who broke your heart and your spirit. And now his fans – his fans, they supported him, they fought an unwanted fight for him – were breaking you in his name.

How could he ever expect you to want him back? How could he ever let you take him back?

“I heard that she's in the hospital, anyway. You know that place is swarming with cameras. You'll only make it worst,” Hoseok adds.

Namjoon's head pops up, his bottom lip quivering. “Hospital? Was she seriously injured?”

“I don't think so, hyung,” Taehyung murmurs, lowering himself to wrap his arms around his neck from behind. “I heard she's only getting a few bumps and bruises checked out. It's mainly to record evidence so they can sue the fans.”

“The fans ...” Namjoon trails off. He's suddenly assaulted with visions of cackling girls whipping things at you, menacing snarls on their faces as they yanked you by your hair. These fans … he doesn't know them but he hates them. He feels dirty, knowing that people like them are devoted to him, to the group. “Can somebody get me a pen and some paper? I need to put an end to this.”

________________________________________

“Manager said the girls are getting sued to the fullest degree. They might end up in a juvenile detention center for a few months,” Ji-na prattles, watching you with nervous eyes as you purge the contents of your closet, holding garments to your chest to examine in the mirror before tossing into one of two piles – keep or donate.

“The international fans have been really, really supportive. Even the BTS fans overseas have been rallying for you,” she continues, her eyes firm on your back as you study a stain on the sleeve of a dress. When it's clear that you're not going to respond, she sighs, dropping her chin onto her hands. “Has management spoken to you about this? How long are they going to have you on hiatus?”

Ji-na gets an answer this time – not with words, but with an empty suitcase being dropped onto your bed.

She sits up immediately, alarmed at the sight of luggage. “Y/N? Why do you have that? Why are you packing? I thought you were just organizing your closet.”

You fold a blouse, laying it down neatly. And then another. And another.

“Y/N, will you just fucking talk to me?” Ji-na screeches from her side of the room, launching herself off of the bed. She reaches out to slam the suitcase shut just as you're about to stack more clothes inside. “Why are you packing? Where are you going?”

You sigh – the first sound that Ji-na has heard you make since you got back from the hospital.

“I'm going home,” you say matter-of-factly. Ignoring her hand on the suitcase, you pull a duffle bag out from underneath your bed and begin to pack it instead.

“What do you mean? You are home,” Ji-na says confusedly.

“No, I'm going home, Ji-na. I'm going back to Daejeon,”

“Like … for good? Were you kicked out of the group?” she asks, shifting her body closer to you in an effort to distract you from shoving more garments into your luggage. “Please tell me what's going on.”

“Not that you care but I'm on an extended hiatus for my mental health. The company doesn't think it's a good idea for me to stay here right now so I've been sent home until they can figure out what to do with me. I don't know how long I'll be gone. I don't even know if I'll be allowed to come back. The good news is that I'll be gone so nobody has to worry about delusional little Y/N to bring them down anymore – I'll be out of your hair by tonight.”

“Not that I care? I – I can't even … why are you acting as if I'm happy about this?” Ji-na snarls, her hand smacking down onto the suitcase in frustration. “One of our members is leaving. One of my best friends is leaving – how can you accuse me of being glad?”

“Aren't you?” you drawl, arms crossing over your chest. “I'm a disgrace, remember? A laughing stock to the k-pop industry? Aren't you happy that you I won't be sullying FRNZEE's reputation anymore?”

“That's your insecurities talking, Y/N. Do not put words in our mouths. We would never leave a member behind-”

“You already did!” your voice is loud and shrill and it startles Ji-na who stumbles a few steps backward. “Today … when I was being attacked, all I wanted was for somebody to whisk me away. All I wanted was somebody to take my hand and pull me inside that building. But you – all of you – you just left me there. Even after Manager told you to take me!”

Ji-na opens her mouth to defend herself but she can't find the right words.

“We … Y/N, we didn't purposely leave you there. It was … it was fucking chaos. There was screaming and there was a crowd and we weren't able to even see you properly over all of the people recording. We just – we, I mean, I don't think-”

“Can you just leave me to pack? I'll come say goodbye to everyone when I'm finished.”

“Y/N,” she murmurs through wet, blurry eyes.

“Please,” you squeak, your plea breaking as you try to hold on to your composure. You just want to wait until she's out of the room before you allow yourself to fall apart.

Eyes trained on nothing, you wait until Ji-na's sniffling and soft footsteps are completely out of earshot before you slump to the floor. Glancing around the room, you study everything – the color of the walls, the placement of the furniture, the softness of the carpet. You want to believe that you'll be back here again soon but in your heart, you know that this is the end.

It feels like just yesterday you were blowing out the candles on your birthday cake, wishing for an everlasting happiness that included your boyfriend, your group and your music. And now, just months later, you've lost all three.

Where do you go from here?

#bts #bts fanfic #bts rm #bts namjoon #kim namjoon #RM #namjoon #namjoon fanfic #namjoon angst #bts angst #rm angst #namjoon x you #rm x you #namjoon x reader #rm x reader #namjoon imagine #rm imagine #rm fanfic

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thisiskatsblog · 4 years

Note

Hi Kat, I often come to seek your wisdom and thoughts on matters such as these because you were the first Larry blog I ever found and the last time I did, you really seemed to understand me and my conflicting emotions and messiness haha. So. My question is what are your thoughts on the Ray and SBB twitter accounts? I found them a few months back when I found a thread explaining a theory of why it's L&H and go back now and again to see what is being posted. I am the darkest Larrie there is, yet

contd: I always prefer to be a cynic because I know just how devastating it is when you put your hope in something only to have it crumbled. And in this fandom, you can't trust anything or anyone unless there is hardcore evidence and proof (aka every millisecond of footage of fetus Larry). There is talk about clues, numbers, iphone/androids and these cryptic riddles and hidden meanings. People do admit in the comments it feels like they're clowning yet I also see thousands resting their hopes contd: on these obscure tweets. I will admit the proof thread I originally read made it seem believable but I then I thought 'who am I kidding, there's no way it could genuinely by H&L'. It doesn't seem like something they would risk, nor something either of them would actually do. It seems like two people baiting Larries and giving us false hope (because in this era where we never get public interaction, many have become far more gullible and willing to believe anything, no matter how far

fetched. Ahh I don't know. It just seems far too good to be true that the two of them are communicating with us through cryptic pictures and riddles and messages. Yes I do believe they both have always found ways to communicate with us, whether it is through songs or body language, because we opened our eyes, we were by their sides and stay strong for them because this is a fight they will win, but I really don't know. It's very cruel if someone is indeed baiting us. Thanks x

(^^^ March 23rd)

2. Anonymous said:

March 25th 2020, 7:06:01 am · a month ago

okay so I just read some master posts explaining RBB and SBB in detail (I didn't get why people were hanging onto every word of Ray and Seymour's tweets like that) and my mind is literally going INSANE trying to process it all. As usual their reactions when asked about it directly on that christmas sweater interview told me all I needed to know back when I watched it but had no idea the sheer significance of these bears until now. It's crazy all the ways L&H showed us the truth all along, to

this day it's just mind-blowing to me. Like they were screaming in the midst of drowning (cough cough Director's Cut), desperate for us to listen and thank God so many of us weren't blind. Sometimes I do feel like maybe I am going crazy or I am delusional for believing in this, as FIMQ said, the cognitive dissonance is real. My mind spirals catastrophically and I doubt my own sanity, and then my mind plays all these touches and glances, slipped words and monumental actions on a loop, far too

much evidence to dispute, and I know I can never go back, how can I, when I've never in my whole life witnessed such magnificent, almost otherworldly love, never cared about any celebrity's love life yet this is far more than that, it is fighting for their love, because they should have never had to be that strong, to endure so much pain, so so young, but they weren't that strong for us to be weak. And I can't wait for the day they are free. No one on this earth deserves it more than L&H.

3. Anonymous said:

March 26th 2020, 12:44:47 pm · a month ago

Even I am the darkest Larrie (and yes there is no going back, ever) sometimes I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Loving and supporting and fighting so fucking hard for a love that is as tragic and excruciating as it is the most beautiful, magnificent thing I have ever witnessed. I wonder, did I get it all wrong and what if they don't find their way back to each other, my waking moments are haunted by memories of them, so young, so clearly smitten, like who the fuck finds their soulmate at

that age? What if even if it is 'always going to be h for Lou', even if they were 'too young to know they had everything' but h doesn't forgive him or remember that yes, their love is worth it? Sometimes I feel I am teetering on the brink of insanity, what if Lou actually has a kid? And Harry's album was about a horrible woman who never deserved him? I think I'll be strong for them, even if I have to wait ten or twenty years but I also feel so much pain thinking about it all. I have never

doubted my own sanity in my life, but lately I wonder so often if I am delusional for having faith in the love of two boys who we're fated to meet and fall in love. I can't even watch them in their baby boyfriends stage or watch edits anymore because I feel physical pain because they never deserved that. I feel pain thinking about their pain, no one should have to face that so young. To be that strong. I want to be strong yet and I try so hard but i also feel I am going mad. I don't even know.

______________________________

Three anons that I suspect are the same person (and maybe even the same one I just answered). Big hugs to you dear anonymous person! And thanks for the compliment. And the patience. I’m so sorry it took me so long to answer. Not sure if I have anything helpful to say, still, except: the fact that you’ve started doubting your sanity, that cognitive dissonance you feel, that dizzy head nauseous gut feeling you get when what you see and what you hear and what you read, just doesn’t match up but you haven’t been able to rationally unravel it yet. That feeling is probably your best proof that something is very amiss, and that Louis’ and Harry’s relationship is very real. We all know that feeling, and it tends to get worse the more caught up in fandom you get.

Your sanity is worth preserving though, so - in my view - it’s better to leave the fandom for a while, however short, to take care of yourself, and be strong for yourself when you feel like it’s draining you too much. You can do that by physically leaving social media, or by taking emotional, and mental distance on a regular basis.

I always remind myself that I have no influence over whether Louis and Harry eventually make it together. And next to no influence over their careers, management, label. I can decide what I do, and have a wee tiny bit of influence on the modest amount of followers of this blog, and then a wee little bit more through the other one - but all in all, my actions, the person they matter most to, the person they influence most, is me. So I try to do, in life, and in this fandom, the things that make me happy. Worrying, does not make me happy. Arguing with hets rads antis and all the other new abbreviations i don’t really get, doesnt make me happy either - I only do it when I’m having one of those days or one of them really sets me off like the other day. But in general, what makes me happy is focusing on the positive. What this fandom has brought me. And has brought other LGBTQ+ people. What are we learning here, what stories do we tell eachother, how are we making eachother better here.

All of that said: Louis, and Harry, have both sung, in this past year, that they “made it”, and referenced eachother’s music videos in important ways. So I honestly don’t think there’s much to worry about. I think that, whatever was causing them difficulties, they already “found their way back”. I think they are allright.

And I want us to be allright to. That’s something we can influence, that we can do for eachother. So I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you

I enjoyed reading your SBB post, talking about the sweater interview. That part of it was wonderful, and everything we needed to know. I took RBB and SBB with a big grain of salt in the beginning, but I have reason to believe it was them, or someone very close to them, and that interview did confirm that.

With or without permission, that’s difficult to say. Was it queerbaiting? I’ve been asked that question so many times. In a sense noo, because they are LGBTQ+ themselves - but there is the fact that RBB & SSB very deliberately engaged with LGBTQ+ fans and kept them here while they must have known, at least after bullshit 2.0 happened, that they were going to stay closeted.

I don’t know exactly how I feel about that. It was a crazy ride, and some of it was enjoyable, and I think the support is important to them, so I do want to stay around. But I also think it’s shit that LGBTQ+ fans in this fandom have done SO much to support them, and are getting so much shit in return, still, not from them, not at all, but in this environment - and no one is stopping it.

And that’s not just the case in Louis’ fandom, where we’re definitely experiencing enormous amounts of cognitive dissonance with the bearding and babygate. But also in Harry’s. When LGBTQ+ fans bring rainbows night after night, but it’s constantly portrayed as if Harry is the one bringing them, and when it’s LGBTQ+ fans organising to light up arena’s night after night across Europe, but the only time that gets featured is when it’s two straight girls organising it, insisting they are not doing it for queer fans but because we should be one happy family inclusiveness all around.. I can understand the frustration, the impression of queerbaiting, the feeling of being taken for granted, that made some people leave Harry’s fandom. I will stay, I think he’s amazing, and I think he needs and is grateful for the support, but as an LGBTQ+ fan, I still feel like I am in a hostile environment - knowing he is with Louis, and that he cannot speak about it, has never spoken about any concrete relationship with a man. That’s... - that still tells LGBTQ+ people they are not 100% legit.

And that’s probably not a lot better for the straight fans who see what we see: a beautiful relationship they can’t speak about and that’s denied all the time. That, too, tells you your thoughts are not legit, and therefore you are not legit. The gaslighting... it’s probably the most poisonous, detrimental aspect of this fandom. Coming back after more than a year off, I was shocked, at how clear things seemed to me again, compared to how doubtful I had been about my own opinions when I left. Taking time off is not abandoning them. Remember that. For me, it made me stronger, and it allows me to support them now.

So I hope this gets better. Soon. I am still convinced they want that too. And when I start doubting, I listen to Only The Brave...

#doubts #sbb #rbb #cognitive dissonance #gaslighting #Anonymous #ask

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comments-on-kai · 5 years

Text

[ Youtube ] EXO Kai’s 2nd Viral fancam after Tempo, “Love Shot” hits 1.5 Million views in less than 1 month; continues attracting Muggles to the song and performance + turning them into new fans as the praises continues

- this is insane... it's been a really long time since I watch EXO's fancam Kai is not "KAI" for no reason he's seriously daebak

- his face, body and skills are all incredible...my eyes are delighted

- Kai is seriously a genius but he's like the type of genius who also gives a lot of effort ...he's daebak his expressions acting,dancing lines and the song everything is daebak

- wow Kai with another legendary fancam where is Kai's limit

- he's definitely someone who knows what control of strength is

- it feels like the video is in fast forward but looking at his expression it's definitely at a normal speed...it's amazing how his movements fall perfectly at the right angles I kept repeating the same part over and over and even if you watch it slowed down it's very surprisingㅠㅠㅠㅠ

- wait I had no interest in EXO but this is insane...his dancing line is just different...I think I'm a fan now

- I think this person was born to dance Love Shot,,, he's like a predator beast of the wilderness,, his body line that is slightly revealed from time to time looks slim but also very firm?.. I seriously thought I was looking at a Jaguar...he's hunting through his dancing...every time he smirks in between dancing I felt like my heart was striked,,,

- how many times have I watched this fancam of Kai.. I'm not even Aeri but I keep falling deeper..Kai who is very sexyㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ

- seriously I feel like I just watched a piece of art

- so his face is also phenomenal... in this fancam the dancing line and control of strength are all perfect..fvck I have something else I'm supposed to do and I just wanted to appreciate this brilliant fancam for a while but I kept getting stuck

- he's somewhat,,, you know the vibes of Ares (one of the Gods) of Olympus,,,like,,ohㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ I'm just going to be delusional here,,,he's not human,,,I was someone who could never understood the concept of Stanning,,, but if it's You,, it's totally understandable,,,so worthy,,,of,,,stanning

- Iya...his dancing lines and his power it's very definite that Kai is seriously different..although there are a lot of members Kai definitely pull your gaze towards him especially when he is dancing

- Wow Kai is proving why he is Top Class. This is beyond being very good I had goosebumps. How can someone keep improving to be better and better? When I watch the stage I only see this kid. - I cant held it in and I came here again to watch this;; at a glance he's wearing what could be a gawdy looking one-coloured outfit but look at how he pulled it off so coolly. On top of that his amazing dance skills, handsome visuals and his physique. You're the first male idol who made me search for your fancam on my own

- the way I see it, formulaic dance is SM's characteristic and as a double-edged sword is also it's weakness. Which was why the first time I saw Kai I really thought he was from JYP or YG and this was the factor. His dancing is not stuck within the box, and it makes him have more fun on stage.

- can't believe I'm not even a fan yet I'm watching this everyday

- Kai's Love Shot should be exhibited at Seoul Arts Center

- even from a guy's point of view it's very rare to see a dude who could be emanating coolness as much as this among male idols

- Kai hard-carried EXO...his class is different

- he's so insanely sexy this is a 1 Day 1 Video,,,,

- Wow; Kai...his dancing lines go beyond being beautifulㅠ his control of strength and how he dances so smoothlyㅠㅠㅠㅠ I think I'm turning into a fan

- was this song originally this shortㅋㅋ I was going wow~ and then it's already over..what is up with Kai this is daebak

- the song is so sophisticatedㅋㅋ If SM used some money for viral promos I think this could easily get a hot reaction from overseasㅋㅋ Yo spend some money

- Wow what is this...how can a human dance in such a way? It's such a loss to introduce him just simply as an Idol or a Main Dancer...his dancing skills are absolutely shocking...it's miraculous...wow...

- I'm a Muggle and it's been a while since I felt this way,, I watched Tempo fancam so many times and following Tempo Kai is really insane in this ㅠㅠㅠㅠthe red suit isn't it crazy? the choreo is a given but it's like he's dancing while also grasping the dance move and the intention of the danceㅠㅠㅠ every time he does the wave my heart goes limp

- Wow...after watching this I understood why men like to watch fancams of female idols and singersㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

- the acting for his facial expressions, his dancing lines and his skills and even his capability of understanding the song, I don't think anybody can follow up to Kai's level...he's acting even to the tip of his fingers I had goosebumps while watching him

- his body and dancing line and his expressions are all beautiful and sexy

- Wow...it's a rare thing for a man to search and watch fancams of Male Idols (I only watch Seventeen's Thanks) but right now I have no idea how many fancams of Kai-nim I've been watching...after seeing you in the red suit in the MV there was a very refreshing shock and now I've arrived here at this fancam. Thank you for being an Idolㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ

- Wow seriously he's like a King who rules at the Castle of Fireworks..no it's hard to put into words but that's what it feels like...the explosion of his forceㅠㅠ

- this is crazy this video shall remain as a legend in South Korea's history

- it's my first time to watch the fancam of a Male Idol...Kai is so cool

- originally I had zero interest in EXO...my heart was shot

- I searched for this after watching the (MV) ad...I understood the reason why people keep going on about Kai...he's is the standard of sexinessㄷㄷㄷ

- so the meaning of KAI is Kill All Idol...it's seriously true...he's beyond the wall...an Idol of a different level

- fvck I knew it when I watched The Eve Kai is seriously very sexy

- I'm here to watch this again.. whenever I watch Kai's fancam my real-life becomes impossible..Kai is really good at what he does and so amazing!!

- the center of this group is really doing great

- I'm from another fandom and this is the first time I searched for Kai's fancam how can he dance and make such facial expressionsㅠㅠㅠ

- I heard that his fancam for the new single came out so I'm here to check it out...Kai's control of strength and power is really crazy. It's like he's screaming This is Sexiness!! I'm surprised at the way his muscles move when he does the wave. But different from the Tempo fancam I can see his face here and it's even more amazing how is he so handsome?? And is the fit of his suit for real???

- this song is meant for Kai look at how well he digested the difficult choreoㅠㅠ

- I somehow ended up watching this and even as a man....I'm feeling all these strange sensation that .. I can't really explain

- this is a video that can make people feel the pride to love EXO and that it's totally fine to love them

- Kai has a very good understanding of every song and concept and his dancing skills that backs up his expressiveness is even more incredible.. whenever I'm watching him I think "how can someone dance that way?" he's really good and he's really the best

- I waited for this moment. Kai-nim you have no idea how much I waited for this. Kai-nim I kneeled and held my hands together while watching this. I'm still watching this everyday and the album I ordered have yet to arrive. I don't know if it's normal for it to arrive this late. The feeling is so different from the dance of Tempo..it's very seductive and beautiful to the point I cannot breathe.How can someone utilize their body like that? Again you proved that you're are not human. I am waiting for Mr. Destiny to shoot another amazing video of you.

- I keep seeing visions of the red suit in front of my eyes so I came here again. From now on this is the place for me to report for duty and get my stamp of attendance

- to be very frank even from a man's pov he's really sexy....?

- it passed 1 million views...I don't think he's human...his face and body is like the sculpture David I kept coming here to watch this.. I can't seem to watch anything else because I've fallen for the body movements of a Dance god...what am I going to do? ㅠㅠ what else is there to do I'm just going to keep on watching this^^

- the dance from 1:56 is a move that seems like very few male idols could pull off other than Kai and the body movement from 2:48, his flexibility is overwhelming to the point it can't be expressed in words ah it's insane

-I've decided to stan after watching this...no no I'm in still denial..should I start stanning?..no I didn't stan him yet...oh I'm already a stan

- he's such an amazing dancer but because there's not much that I know about dancing that I'm at loss of words to express...just how should I say this..his energy is overflowing and he dances so well

- just the sight of his standing there is sexy and beautiful and I can't escape this video

- how can someone dance like this? really... only expressions of awe escapes my mouth

- at first I liked Doh Kyungsoo from watching 100 Days My Prince but when I saw Kai I was so shocked....ㅠㅠ ---> same case as me ------> exactly the same for me too

- I think he went beyond the limit of a human in dancing..very cool!

- if someone at this level isn't he a genius;; I'm going to be a fan

- it will be incredible if Kai releases a solo album...wow I've never seen a guy who looks so good in all-red among idols...Kai is really sexy

- that person has come again... I know now why he wore the hat(in Tempo fancam)... now that he's not wearing it's causing such a chaos..Kai he uses his ankle so smoothly

- Kai's bearing are really different he's really good

- after watching this fancam I've become a fan of EXOㅠ this is the first time I've seen someone as sexy as himㅠㅠ seriously I go crazy every time I see Kaiㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ and how is he such a good dancer he's perfect

- wow....how can a human dance like that....wow......

- but seriously how can you call that an Idol on a music show... when Kai is dancing it's simply a piece of art okay...

- look at each and every one of his details.. the acting of someone being hurt getting hit by a bullet? it's incredible

- no everything is amazing but starting from 2:47 I held my breath watching him

- there's a reason why he is the Center he's so good

- an epic video right after another..it's a surprise after another surprise from Kai

- I finally understood why guys like to watch fancams of Female Idols...it's the first time since I was born to watch a fancam of a Male Idol from beginning to end, even with my bias Seventeen I've never done that,, what do I do I think I'm going to stan Kai

- I can see some names who were here for the Tempo video are here too(in the comments)! haha well I'm one of them

- what is this dude I'm a man but I was fluttered watching this...is that weird..I watched this by chance as I was passing by he's really incredible ㅋㅋhe's born with it

- wow this is insane he's actually a sculpture

- it's so sexy I find it hard to breathe..his expressions are the best

- he is both desirous and restrained

- he has the most perfect body and dance among all idols I've seen

- you need to watch his expressions carefully... seriously look at his expressionsㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ he was smirking and then suddenly he changed into seriousㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ

- this just came out 2 days ago and the views are already more than 430,000 is this for real?

- is Kai not coming out with a solo..Please come out with a concept like this...comeback with something like only Kai can do it concept...please

- so..this is what it feels like when a person could kill with a dance...? Wow seriously...I'm not an EXO-Lbut Kai's dancing lines really could kill...how could he moves his shoulders like that...he is a dancer down to his bones

- Everything is Kai. His tanned skin, his sculptured lines of his face, his deep double-lids, his slim but firm and hard-looking body, the faded strands of his hair and the red suit... everything is just Kai.

- his dancing is one thing but his expressions are really..haa...what am I going to do with my heart

- I don't know how many times I've watched Kai's fancam...Not even an Aeri but I kept falling for him...Kai is very sexyㅠㅠㅠㅠ

- seriously, I kept thinking of Kai in that exact state, holding a gun, and with his tongue he licked his lips, and smiling bitterly he spit out the blood that pooled in his mouth. But of course these are all only in my imagination

-Wow..I'm VIP and because our BIGBANG is not promoting I don't really watch Idols stages but after watching Love Shot I feel like I'm bewitched by EXO

- Iya..by coincidence I saw a reply on a video and someone suggested this video so I watched ..it's really daebak. I'm sending you my praises this is just insane

- Kai fancams are something you really need to watch. A person who is really passionate when it comes to danceㅠㅠ

- Actually I used to think that Kai is someone who can dance a bit better than the average but after watching this video I changed my mind...his dancing lines are totally different on his own...it's really daebak..I think I know why he is the main dancer

- I'm sorry to say this but isn't this too much...I'm watching this as 1 Day 10 Times video ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠKai's Drug Fancam

- sobs,,, I think I'm really gonna be an EXO fan ㅠㅠㅠㅠ

- how can a person be that sexy? it's daebak maybe he was sexy from the first moment he was born

- is this what you call Matured Sexiness,,,,, really this is the most incredible fancams of all I've seen

- because there was a Love Shot stage so I pressed it without thought and suddenly I found myself screaming for the red suit and searching for his fancam....

- I hope Kai releases a solo album...

- I feel like his dancing lines are so different from the rest so you can dance the same choreo but have such a different force he's not just very sexy but more like beautiful he's like a prince what

- even his walking steps become the dance i cant even....

- I think if we gather all Idols from all over the world, even at that place Kai will still be at the Center spot

- I didn't even have any idea how many members there are in EXO but I saw this stage by chance and somehow found my way to this fancamㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ now I'm going around suggesting this video to my friends ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

- I'm not an EXO-L but I was so shocked while watching Knowing Brothers and now I'm here....there are no words coming out except this is crazy... he's totally sexyㅠ

- but this is seriously too much... because of Kai I'm watching all the Love Shot videos and I'm this close to becoming a fan... is it okay for someone to be as sexy as this...his gaze and his dancing line..it's really over

- I watched this without any precaution to my d*ck and I almost turned gay

- I had no idea what I was watching but for sure after watching it I felt happy

- Kai is the only person who has this level of skills with this kind of physique

- The choreo and the song are all really good but he's truly sexyㅠ his expressions were really out to seize my heart if I'm from another fandom and I'm this fluttered then the fans' hearts must be destroyed

- I'm from another fandom and this is the first time I'm searching to watch a fancam...I think I've watched this fancam for more than 100 times;

- we watch this everyday with the kids at schoolㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

- even a nonfan like me thinks that this fancam...should be watched by everybody in this world...with all sincerity

- I'm really thankful for the fact that we have someone like Kai on the soils of our country..at his level I think it's perfectly fine if he wants to play in bigger waters

- I've been a YG stan for 10 years and am a VIP who had zero interest in SM idols but this time around Love Shot Kai is seriously daebak... I was watching SBS Gayo Daejun and saw Kai and now I'm going around searching for only Kai Love Shot...this time it's daebak

- Wow I'm not even a fan but I can't think of anything and just watched this fancam till the very end and it's the first time seriously crazy

- I don't know if it's okay for me to watch this for free

- now I understood how people can become gay

- ah really seriously I keep watching this originally I had zero interest and I watched this by chance he's just too awesome the concept is totally my taste rolling the body like that and the outfit is totally my taste too it's the best

- I'm not EXO's fan but after watching the SBS Gayo Daejun recently he was so sexy that I searched this up..I think I'm turning into a fan

- Wow I'm a guy but I'm falling for him he's fvcking good at dancing and fvcking cool

- after watching this at Gayo Daejun for the first time yesterday I can't seem to forget him so I ended up searching for this...this is dangerous.. he's very sexy and his body movements are really...wow

- even a man like me thinks he's sexy,,,

- ah..because of this fancam I keep searching for other Kai fancams..he's very sexy

- wow the whole time watching this nothing came out of my mouth other than sounds of awe...how can somebody dance like that..? the way he expressed the dance shocked me

- watching this it seems like Kai is really good at dancing and is really good at the changes of his facial expression too..and the dance might seems like it's easy but it's actually hard..;;;

- seriously at the "Na na na na" part how do you even give out a vibe like that...Kai is jjang

- the only two idols who can dance and give out such cool vibes are probably GD and Kai

- watched this stage and started stanning Kai

- because Kai's expressions on stage are so varied I searched for his fancam, turns out his dancing skills are no joke too

- wow..so this is why people watch fancams

- it's very shocking to see Kai dancing..he's so good at controlling his strength and then he moves very smoothly and it's every amazing to see when he suddenly puts in a lot of power...really he is the top among Korean idols when it comes to dance

#kai #exo #exo kai #jongin #kim jongin #kim kai #commentsonKAI #love shot

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thebritishblabbermouth · 6 years

Text

Suga Fanfiction (part 2)

Heyyyaa...heres part 2. Its got swearing in it and smut. But fluff too..theres going to be a part 3 as well. Let me know what you think! Also I am very very very very shy about the smut so please let me know what you think...it’ll mean everything to me :)

this is for you @atricksterwithwings let me know what you think :))

Heres Part 1 if you havent read it yet :)

It was 5 pm by the time I came home, even though I had barely gotten any work done. The look on your face; hurt and dejected as you ran away from my arms seemed to be plastered onto the back of my mind and no amount of distraction could peel it away. I had wanted to rush out immediately, tell you I didn’t mean any of my cruel words but it would’ve been counterproductive. We needed to end this. And the only way you would leave would be if I had hurt you enough to push you away.

What a damned dick move.

I was sure you would’ve left by now, my apartment must've returned to its barren state- just as you had found it not 2 years ago and it was all the more reason for me to stay cooped up inside the walls of my studio, praying I didn’t have to face you as you walked out of the door.

But it wasn’t pitch black and cold as I walked in. Rather it was warm, and smelt fucking delicious. There were candles everywhere and you were wrapped up in a giant white hoodie- its ends skimming the middle of your bare thighs and your hair whisked away into a loose knot at the top of your pretty head.

If there were a definition of perfection- it would be this.

‘’Yoongz! I have food and a movie too! I know our date day didn’t go as planned but that’s okay, this is way cuter don’t you think?’’ You tried to balance the bowls of steaming goodness between your dialogues, cute pink tongue darting out- as if it were the only way to balance everything completely. The action went straight to my head and I almost chuckled, almost breaking down the entire aura id build around myself. This had to stop. How were you so unfazed? How did the insults not make a difference? You should’ve walked out- called me an asshole and left me to my own wits. But here you were, clad in my sweatshirts, beaming like the fucking sun.

‘’You really have no self-respect do you? Clinging onto me like a needy bitch. God. Do I have to spell it out for you? Leave me alone!’’

I saw the colour drain from your cheeks, the usual pink hue falling as it you paled, eyes drooping with exhaustion as my words finally hit you.

This was it.

This was the end and I just needed to hold on for a little longer before breaking down, needed you to fully walk away before I hit the imaginary self-destruct button on my life.

‘’Do you know how much of a selfish asshole you are Yoongi?’’

You never swore. Ever. It was awkward hearing the insults from your mouth and it felt worse knowing they were all directed at me.

‘’Two years ago, you told me you loved and that you had to have me or you’d die, and I let you lead me, let you take me into everything that was you and I couldn’t be happier. You made me feel loved and warm and like I actually belonged in this world. Like I mattered. You made me feel like I was worth being protected and taken care of! Even when you weren’t here, when you were off on your endless tours or your head was too busy taking care of job and the boys- it was fine! Because I knew you loved me! Because I knew that no matter what, at the end of the day- I was yours and you were mine and it would all be okay!’’

Tears streamed down your now rosy cheeks, lashes thick and wet- your voice breaking and cracking as you spoke but strong nonetheless. This is how you were.

Strong even when you were weak.

You walked towards me, almost as if you were going to burn me down. And I silently prayed that you would. End me Entirely, before everything else did.

‘’And now Yoongi. You’re a fucking coward. Selfish and just petrified. When you loved me, you had to have me. And now, when things are hard- when work is hard and when you’re fucking afraid to admit that you’re scared shitless- afraid to let me take care of you, you push me away. Because that’s what you do. You push people away when they want to love you.’’

You had me cornered into the wall, your nose tilting upwards- eyes trained on mine as you spoke. It was quieter now. As if you had to make a point and make me understand.

‘’And right now, if you think I am going to walk away from you, leave you to ruin yourself and everything that you’ve worked hard on, let you walk over us like this. You’re damned stupid and delusional because I am not going anywhere!’’

‘’You’re crazy! I am not afraid of shit! I need to get work done! I need to be the best and I need to give those 6 boys what they deserve! You won’t ever understand that because somehow you’ve always been the best! At everything! At working, at this relationship, at loving despite all of my flaws and it’s insane! It’s driving me mad that you’re this amazing! I can’t keep up with it! I can’t keep up with you, I can’t give you what you deserve and what you need! So just g-’’ I screamed as loud as I could, tried to pry your hands away from myself but there was no stopping you.

No stopping the way you crashed your lips onto mine and cradled my head in your hands, no stopping the tears I could feel on my mouth, along with your taste, fucking honey and cherries and everything I needed to give up. I didn’t realise when you had me falling onto the couch, sitting on me and raking your fingers through my hair as we kissed. Calmer now, desperate but needing- wanting, sweet yet fierce.

‘’We’re going to crash and burn. The fans, they’re going to hate us because of this new album and you know me, I’ll live through it, but the boys. God, Jungkook and Jimin and Tae, they won’t be able to take it, it’ll be nightmare.’’

You inched yourself closer to me, wrapping yourself around me as you placed your lips on my cheeks, covering the tears I didn’t even know I had shed. My hands rested on your hips, shoulders slumped with stress and exhaustion. I couldn’t fight it anymore. Couldn’t even fight it if I tried.

‘’Did you know? Burnt soil is one of the most fertile kind out there?’’

I ignored the little fun fact and took to rubbing at your soothing skin, it was only minutes before I stripped you from the confines of the sweatshirt. I needed to feel you, burn with you. It was the only way Id be able to calm my heart.

‘’If this album doesn’t work, if you fall, pummel to the ground and lose all of your fans. Does it mean its over? Does it mean that everything has died?’’ Your eyes widened as I held onto you tighter but you continued talking, your words- providing a kind of comfort I didn’t know existed.

‘’It means you get to start over. Do something new. Change things up and rise like a phoenix. It’ll be hard and it’ll hurt but if theres one man I know who can pick himself up from ground zero- its you Yoongi.’’ You booped my nose as you spoke and I pulled the sweatshirt from your skin, releasing a wave of unshed tears as I laid my forehead onto your bare chest.

‘’You’re so strong Yoongi, and so loved. How could you possibly think you’d fail? You’re Min Genius, smart and intelligent and strong and passionate. You’re their vision Yoongi, the boys- they look up to you, and they don’t see an image you’ve made. No. They see you raw and whole. Just like me. They see someone who tries their best, someone who dares to dream with their eyes open and they see someone who loves unconditionally. They’re stronger than you think, and so are you.’’ You stroked my hair as you spoke and my breath hitched at your words.

‘’And the matter of someone destroying you? Baby…you’re fucking bulletproof.’’

I chuckled at the reference and you smiled, the curves of your lips reaching your eyes and making them twinge with excitement. God you were beautiful, and I’d thought of pushing you away. I didn’t have the words in me, to apologise, to ask for forgiveness. Because I was a selfish asshole and I knew how to take. How to bring you into my world.

And you were an angel, because you knew how to rescue me from it.

‘’I love you.’’

There weren’t any other words I could’ve said, nothing had the power like the three id just stated. And you smiled again, this time because of me, and I swear I felt like heaven because you were in my arms.

‘’Then show me.’’ You whispered, as if it were the only thing I'd ever need to do in life. And damn, you nipped at the silver loop that hung from my lobes. Beautiful and strong and such a fucking tease.

I pushed you onto the couch and kissed you deep, my tongue finally tasting your sweetness as you moaned deliciously into my mouth. Hot and eager. Just for me and just how I liked it.

‘’You’re so fucking perfect baby.’’ I said, because it was the truth. Because I felt the words with every inch of my soul.

It was a requirement, a compulsion- a damned drug to me. Your breasts and how they felt against my palms, soft and warm beneath my skin and you gasped, arching upwards as I took one in my mouth, aching with need as you groaned beneath me, begging me to touch you where we both wanted most.

You were soaked through, waiting and wet, just for me. But I had to take my time, had to show you I still loved you even though I was a jerk, I was stupid and afraid- just like you’d said. I swirled my tongue around your navel and your hands found my hair, dry and rough from the constant dying and glamour but god the way it felt when you tugged on it, my hard on aching with every innocent pull.

‘’I am going to make you come baby, you want that? You want to feel me?’’

‘’Please. I want you. Only you. Now.’’

Your words were halved and stuttered, eyes rolling to the back of your head as I traced your nub with my fingers, it throbbed beneath my touch and I growled at the attention, teased and pulled it as I suckled your skin.

‘’Yoongi no…just please…’’

It was beautiful, watching you writhe and shake, and I eased my finger into your dripping heat as you whimpered into my mouth, almost tearing as I worked myself into you.

‘’I don’t deserve you love. Not one bit of you. But you said I was selfish, and I am. Please let me be, let me be selfish for you?’’ I whispered into your ears and you came all over my fingers, sweet and beautiful. Pure, and all for me.

I pulled you into my arms and laid behind you, my raging hard on pressing into your skin as my hands travelled the side of your frame, choosing to rest of their own over your heat. It was possessive and animalistic and you purred against me, requesting ever to sweetly to let you take care of me. But I needed to be with you tonight, to feel your skin and love you. Let you know that perhaps I wasn't always that selfish, that I could give before I took.

"I love you Yoongi. And even if it takes time... Even if you leave. I am not perfect, far from it. I always do stupid things, but you're a fighter Yoongi. You're strong and brave and so much more... Don't give up just yet baby? It'll be hard but-" I sealed your pretty mouth with mine, eating up all of your goodness as I saw your eyes tear, with pride and strength. All for me.

"I am not giving up beautiful. I can't. Because my angel won't allow it. Because I won't allow seeing her cry over the thought of it."

It was awkward for me, to say things out loud, to reassure and comfort. But for you, for you I'd try. For the blush that grazed you neck and warmed you skin just a little more than the subsiding heat, I'd move mountains and oceans, bring stars and planets to your feet.

And so I kissed you and held you, as you did me, my arm tucked under your head as you snored against it. My hand nestled between your legs as they wrapped around mine, encasing me and shielding me from my own turmoil.

It was easy. It was beautiful and we were whole, complete and loved.

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hanzi83 · 4 years

Text

Part of my Script for the Podcast

Here is a fun game you can play since most people who love to read or listen to my stuff, read along the script to see how much I ad libbed and how much I read. Trolls wanted to act like school children so I am going to treat you like school children and we are going to play cornball games like this.

Podcast topics script

It feels weird doing this podcast, and even though I have felt motivated doing this podcast for almost a week now, it just feels like people who have surrounded themselves by me online and have felt they have been a part of my life, whether it is them just forcing themselves into my psyche, where I am going to always think about them after making every move, because they know that I know whatever I say or do, they will be on top of it, and because I barely relevant in the grand scheme of things to the masses, I assume they think that I am going to always want them around because they are the only ones even talking about me, whether it is underselling anything I do that is positive, or memorize anything I have said out of irrational anger or just trying to joke around, they now have me in a bind where I am always going to have to address and engage the fucked up shit going on, especially spreading disinformation and making up rumors. Since I have started this podcast it feels like they will now attack a lot more aggressively because I am restraining from letting them have this much direct contact with me.

It turns out the last episode was not even properly uploaded on Spotify or other podcast distributing sites, and I don’t even know how to fucking address it, was that done on purpose to show there is some censorship going on because people with power who might be close or far away are even shitting on any attempt for me to gain traction, and now they have found a way for me to have to be forced to get people’s help, or in my mentally ill brain, it will make me wonder if I am being fucked over by people claiming to be trustworthy, or someone powerful so the topic will always focus on the notorious trolls who have made a name the last year being really aggressive about the trolling and making sure I am living in fear, or does it direct the conversation back to Stern, because maybe in my head I am concocting this scenario where Howard will not let me get bigger, and will disencourage me from wanting to continue because they know it was a struggle just to start this basic podcasting shit, and now I am going to have to go learn how to fucking problem solve this distribution shit. It is fine, it is something else for you people to laugh at me about because even when I try to be creative and a little more productive, it becomes clear whether it is people in my life, my supposed fans or the powers that be don’t want me ever being on my own because they need me to be interactive with people who just want to remind me of every fucking insane thing I may have said or try to create rifts between me and others.

I don’t even think people who I have become friendly with seem happy that I have decided to do something for myself, which is the criticism I receive the most from people, so when I do something on my own, still not sure if I am doing this right, or whether I will remain compelling to carry this out, or just not being tech savvy enough, I have gotten a few “I am proud of you” but for the most part I think people are scared of me being unfiltered even though I have stated that most of the shit on this podcast are from my delusional thoughts, and they are my theories. It becomes difficult because I listen to so many podcasts that wrap up and analyze politics, hip hop, wrestling etc, where I have now taken that for granted because I have become reliant on people spotting the interesting observations and analyzing it so my shit is just a reaction to that. Can I talk about the Childish Gambino album? I can barely articulate how to explain the different styles and instruments being used, all i can analyze are lyrics, and even now I am taking in so much hip hop to catch up on weekly releases, I don't even get to go revisit it again. Only joke I had for the Gambino album was that if I list off my favorite tracks from the album, people will think I am attempting to give away my router number in a drunken stupor. It feels like I have to come up with angles etc and if it has not become obvious I am reading this and I am sure writing it will come out better in my head than me attempting to reading it, and insisting on keeping up the fuck up because showing my mistakes seems to be the only interesting things about my stupid podcast

I know this take has been done to death on twitter or whatever echochamber, but I feel like I was a pioneer with all this social distancing shit. I have been exiled from everyone for so long and have spent countless nights sitting in my room in the dark, smoking a cigarette while the windows are open, just being depressed about not having anyone and then when I am around people, I don’t want to be around them because I find it more fascinating talking to myself and feeling my own thoughts and maybe that has to do with the fact that when I was younger I did not want to be alone with my thoughts. Like I did not want to even think about shit in fiction. Seeing Terminator 2 as a kid, being used to watching pretty PG kind of stuff, the part where the sun explodes and the entire earth is burning, I remember being freaked out and asking my friend if that could happen someday and he would say calmly “Yeah if there was a nuclear war” and it just made me not want to think about it and I would always want to be distracted because I was scared of having to think what is possible. I feel like people are now kind of going a little bit nutty by not being able to interact or go outside, and as someone who barely left his house since 2009 I assure you, you will survive this.

I wanted to talk about the coronavirus shit but here is the deal, and this is probably why so many people who go the route of the lowbrow type of humor might gravitate to me, because realistically that is where my level of intellect should be because I have been so dumbed down for so long, I would wait for people who were smarter to kind of lead me, and agree with it even though I don’t know how to explain why the earth is actually round, but the evidence that scientists will tell you I will just pretend to understand and use their explanations and I feel a lot of people do that, even though the thing they are going with might be a fact but I bet if you got those people in a room alone to ask them off the record, a lot of people would be in admission that they have no clue, so I have no clue what the fuck is legit about this coronavirus, it used to be so simple just to have a few things that you sense as bullshit, but now with conspiracy theories also becoming a marketing tool, it has made me question that as well. Was it started in China? Was it planned from the US? Did Bill Gates do it since more interviews about him talking about the pandemic are making the rounds, are these celebrities really quarantined? Are they hiding in their bunker? Have they fled the planet and let their illuminati clones suffer? God damn man, tell me something. Some say this is to start a war with China, but if I think the Chinese government is corrupt and dangerous, then I am buying into neocon propaganda, but then if I think there are racial implications with taking advantage to this shit, then I am a hater of the US empire, because it is apparently okay to like US imperialism. There is so much to keep up with, and there are too many narratives. Maybe I need an illuminati microchip that can make me take all of this in and analyze properly because it feels like mentally I am 15 years behind or some shit. I just analyze the world like I think we are all in some reality show and the people who are the upper echelon and their associates of lower status are hooked up with some advanced shit.

I feel like it is a serious thing happening, while some people are being Thanos snapped, but it is also a test run and all I am doing is being Doctor Strange and analyzing all the scenarios that are fucking possible of what could be happening. Will this be the one of the system’s sacrifices of mass people before a more deadly one is created. Is this a way to bring in more leftist policies and make an argument for socialism because if there were ever an event that is taking place that has given the best argument for it, it would be what is being so transparent with how businesses are acting, and how pretentious some of these celebrities are acting. They are supposed to be the villains now, so when you see a bunch of people circle jerking and singing the song Imagine, then you have Norm McDonald come out and give this overly religious message because being anti neoliberal, while making it seem you are anti left, makes right wing people think you are some hip dude because you are not politically correct

That is why I analyze shit the way i do, and I like being unfiltered while I am fucking wrong most of the time with my opinion, even though people have told me I am fucking right in some sideways like way but never bother to elaborate. I really think that this is all planned out, and there are good factions and bad factions. I believe people are having their last run as a baby face before they are revealed to be heels, when in actuality they are just playing heels. We are supposed to be calling it out, but it also seems that people that do call it out, do it with this far right perspective and maybe that is part of their propaganda to tell some truth, or maybe they are pretending to be truth tellers while still running a hustle. I have to think that we are far advanced, and maybe the people dying are being cloned for another planet, maybe the celebrities have escaped the system and are using their clones to fucking die on earth. I don’t fucking know anymore. It just all feels planned. I am not saying idol worship, which is a mistake we all have made, maybe some of you were smarter than most of us before, but it takes some of us some time. I still think they have really tried to hard over the course of the last decade to make it seem like people in the upper echelon are like regular people, and sure with emotions and depression and stress etc but I do think it is harder for them on some level because they are in a world with hidden people and have to embrace some dark ritualistic type of shit, and they make it seem relatable. Is this a way to crash the economy and is it for the sake of good or bad, because I think this whole Trump thing has been a way for people to be more woke and actually have a revolution, even if the whole thing is scripted, and the tragic thing is people will die. That is why in my fucked up brain I hope these people are spiritually somewhere else, maybe their consciousness will be transferred, or maybe there is another world after you die, and no I am not religious, but I believe we are far more advanced than we think. Am I right? Probably not.

It is not all pretentious because I have enjoyed the hip hop element of storylines taking place during this pandemic, with the producers having their battles on Instagram live or Boosie asking women to put their pussy lips on live so he could then give her 1000 dollars. By the way because I think everyone becomes a character and a meme for social media, I am going to predict where this boosie storyline is going to go. He made some anti trans remarks, according to the T’s because he gave his opinion on Dwayne Wade’s daughter, and even though I think there is a sensationalized thinking of the worst case scenarios with this stuff, I do think there are people in the celebrity world who have agendas when they do it. Anyways I think with Boosie asking these women to strip for him, there is going to be a time where some chick is going to be shaking her ass and then she will somehow then reveal she has a dick, and then Boosie will react and he will become a bigger meme, and then to come full circle, it will be revealed to be a plot by the black fraternities he was beefing with a couple of months back.

As far as the wrestling stuff goes, now here is where we go with layers. Let me preface this by saying whatever is happening with these institutions, I believe it is all planned for them. Since WWE is on the downswing, I don’t know if this will be a case of WWE doing well with what the hand they have seemingly been dealt, and people can toot their own horn that anything good that happens is when it somehow happens to be an accident, or maybe this is one situation where they are going to fall a part because they insisted on going on with this show when a pandemic is happening, so will wrestlers end up having it so we have more sacrifices and then people will really be outraged about WWE and mixing in the accumulated bad press they have received for other things. Maybe the bad press will be that instead of informing their fans of the safety of the wrestlers, they decided to pull the wool over our eyes and lie about Reigns being pulled so we assume the match is not happening. People will then think using a pandemic to pull the wool over our eyes was done in such bad faith. I don’t know what the angle they will decide to go with, but I know that there will unfortunately always be something that will be revealed about Reigns, because he is supposed to be a real villain, and lately he has been seen as a good company man and not talking down to fans. I feel like we are in the conspiracy era, and by the way it feels like America, which I have pointed out is like the attitude era just a little before Trump was becoming a political figure, and now in the world we are in the era of WCW shutting things down for couple of weeks and they rebooted it to start over with Russo and Bischoff.

So I will be happy to talk more about wrestling but if you haven’t noticed and you can tell when I am reading, that I will probably mess up 15 times because even though this sounded good in my head writing it, it will not sound as clear because I tend to adlib a lot. But this podcast is a fucking failure and no one wants my vision of podcasts because it is not good enough until I give into how they want me to do it because it is not simple enough for them to move on to a next podcast but because they have entitlement issues over me, they think it has to be catered to people who have verbally jumped me everytime I log on, and then if they give me criticism I am supposed to just take their judgement as is and not add any context why i don’t react well to people telling me what I should do. If you are a real supporter of mine, you will understand the journey I am taking, and if you actually have respect for my mental health you will stop pressuring me to have guests and take calls when most of it is just trolling and not even anything creative. Why do you need to be a part of everything I do? Stop trying to bully me into doing it your way. I don’t care if people listen or not, I just want to express myself in a more healthier fashion than having to be reeled into drama on periscope and it is becoming so fucking sickening having to guess who is setting me up, are people confiding in me, knowing my shit is tapped, am I being put through morality tests. Sorry if me expressing my mental health is too fucking boring for you. Maybe some of you shouldn’t be part of my life. I will probably end up failing with this anyways. I fail at everything. I will probably fail at failing, because that’s how much of a god damn failure I am.

#Hanzi podcast bipolar coaster bi-polar censorship script adlib raw thoughts howard stern illuminati loner failure

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