#Hell I'm crying and I dont even know these FICTIONAL people

[spill-to-t]

"Rick cries so much" "Daryl cries too much" "Maggie cries too much"...

Imagine one day this whole world changes and you see your loved ones dying in front of you. You see your best friend, husband/wife, child, brother/sister dying in front of you. You feel responsible because you weren't there or didn't act the right way. Imagine you feel guilty for so many bad happenings. Imagine that you are just confused and overwhelmed sometimes. I really don't understand why you would say this? Doesn't matter which character, they all lost not only one person, some of them lost their whole family. This show is about the fucking death and it's a fucking drama show. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EXPECT? How can you be annoyed by people crying when they just lost someone? What else should they do? Have a little dance?

I don't get it

[tamayakii]

Simonrileyscockring aka Maxim is a liar and claims frogchiro stole their ideas. Here's proof he lied.

@simonrileyscockring Now since you dont wanna acknowledge me or my post calling you out, i decided to make it its own post so more people can see it. I don't like liars. i don't like virtue signalers "dni proshippers" we interacted tons of times, i sent you asks, my own art, we talked in dms, i even checked on you when i worried about you and now you're worried about "proshippers" and realize the term i identify with, which means "anti-harassment, respecting peoples fictional preferences" and not whatever tiktok-brained bullshit you think it is? So convenient you say that AFTER i send you an ask asking if you were gonna acknowledge what the hell you did. edits: the only edits i did was "@/" Konigsblog cause they said they apologized and acknowledged what they did, whether or not the apology is accepted is not up to me.

original call out below: you absolute dunce. i LOVED your writing before but the drama on your page, responding to hate anons rather than just deleting their asks drove me off. I have so many words for you

EVERYONE can see your personal posts, they just don't LIKE them cause who the fuck wants to like a post that's a vent post? it feels wrong, people see it and choose not to react, people see you vagueing about someone stealing "your" concepts (which theyve written BEFORE cod fandom erupted on tumblr and aka before YOUR popularity) they'll want to know  cause stealing writing is very serious!! but oh wait!!! they didn't steal shit!!! They never wrote about a teenager, which btw when you say all this shit and show no proof it fucking sucks!! cause people are so tiktok-brained that they will believe anything!

Because you decided to pull a fuckin mean girl move with @/konigsblog you ruined someone's love for writing and this fandom. "no one got harmed" my fucking ass. You as a writer should know that motivation comes and goes, and that hyperfixtations can be the closest thing to people. So rather than acting like a fucking man, you vague and claim they wrote about a minor as well, btw heres the teenager you claim is well, a teenager

Scaramouche is a puppet made by Raiden Ei, over 500 years ago to the current time in genshin impact. When Raiden Ei's sister had passed and she wanted to make a puppet to be the archon but she left him in a slumbering state, free from her own control cause he came to life crying which puppets aren't supposed to do. He woke up and thought she abandoned him, then OVER 5 HUNDRED YEARS AND THREE BETRYALS LATER. The fandom baby-fies him admittedly, but he's not obsessed with his mother nor does he have a teenager mentality. He's a bitter and aloof character, only getting mad when his creation or betrayals are brought up,



"a teenager physqiue" Okay lets challenge that, In the game this model is called Short_Male, it been used for Cyno, Tighnari, Kazuha, Xiao, Albedo, Mika, Chongyun, Bennet, Xingqiu, Heizou, Gorou, Venti, Razor, and even the male traveller.(I'm gonna use basic terms since you obviously never played the game if you think he's child like) Cyno is basically an officer in the game for the Akademiya, aka an adult. Tighnari is basically like a forest ranger, an adult. Kazuha sails around the sea while being a poet AND a sword expert because of his family line, becoming an expert swordsman takes YEARS even in real life, he's an adult. Xiao is over 5,000 years old and a "deputy" for an Archon. Albedo is a synthetic experiment human made 500 years ago from the current timeline in the game. Heizou is also a cop, an adult. Gorou is a fucking ADMIRAL, an adult. VENTI is literally over 2k years old. an adult. The traveller is AT LEAST over a thousand years old, cause the traveller that you choose slumbers for 500 years.

The rest are hinted to be late teenagers or early twenties depending on who you ask.

I even took pictures of these models in-game compared to a Tall_Male model!

Here's scaramouche, compared to Diluc and Tighnari! who aren't children! Now let's see an actual model of CONFIRMED children, why don't we?

here we have klee, who despite being something like 50 or 75 years old, is still mentally a child!! So she has the child model since she is still physically growing up, unlike Scaramouche AND Albedo.

Scaramouche isn't a child. he doesn't have child-like features. He's not obsessed with his mother, cause he does not have one cause motherfucker is a 500-year-old puppet, he's mentally an adult, physically an adult that was prepared for archon duties.

Sorry, i droned on about this for so long but i just fuckkking hate it when people are wrong. So blindly like you are,

here's proof that you said that, incase you go on a deleting frenzy.

Now let's talk about the point system, point systems are so widespread in real life and in fiction, even i used a point system once before. So to see it, in a COMPETITION(cause they are in the pervy AU) between men isn't weird to see. If you genuinely had a problem with this, Kin would've LOVED to talk it out with you as they're lovely and understanding human being.

the stray cat au? i even remember reading about it on both of your blogs but heres the thing.... the last time they wrote about it was in October.. of last year.

i had to search your blog just in case i was wrong in thinking they wrote it before you did.

as you can see, this is march of this YEAR. checking your archive, you made your blog back in February of this year. To claim they stole your concept of stray cat is beyond fucking insane, as well as bringing up the post with scaramouche in it cause.. that was over at least 10 months ago, cause Kin had went on a hiatus when December came around and came back with a COD hyperfixtation.

Onto the stealing the hubull concept! Searching their blog I can't find any evidence of them even writing a bull-like idea, at all. So you seemed to pull that one straight out of your ass.

So let's go over this real quick! one more time for the people in the back!!!

@simonrileyscockring made a post vagueing that someone stole their concepts and ideas, @/konigsblog replies below asking, hey who is it? maxim responds saying its @frogchiro and claiming that they wrote about a teenager and stole their point system for an au. Publicly. Instead of going to Frogchiro and trying to work it out, like a 23-year-old should. You keep drilling on about it, claiming that people trying to defend them are being your entertainment now

sure some people shouldn't have come in attacking you, i won't defend people who throw cruel words at you. You can claim this to be an attack but all i'm doing is calling you out, cause as you claim "it doesn't affect the way you live your life" you let it go and ruin someone else's way of life, destroying their love for fandom and writing. As a writer yourself that ive SEEN struggle with motivation AND hate anons, you of ALL people should fucking understand that getting your love for writing ruined is a terrible thing to happen especially when its an outlet for stress.

"i wanna talk shit in peace, not have my shit gossiped about." .. that is noooot how the internet works OR how shit-talking works, as the biggest shit-talker in MY family, i understand that when i talk shit, there's another person behind me talking shit. When YOU post vagueing about someone, and then continue talking about them, people will gossip about you. End of story. You should've blocked them in the first place, you also should've messaged Kongisblog PRIVATELY if you really wanted to avoid all of them. The only screenshots that i know that kin was sent, were you confirming that they "stole" your ideas and that they wrote about a teenager. How can they refute your claims without knowing what your claims are. They had to defend themselves from people in their inbox.

So, really in the end here, you fucked up. As a previous fan of your im highly disappointed in you but seeing how you act i doubt that will affect you, i make this post-DEFENDING frogchiro from pointless claims, AND in hopes that anyone who wants to follow you. Will find this post cause you are a fucking asshole to the core. Step back and realize that while it may not affect you, your actions affect others.

[kafanizdakicokiyi]

I say all of this in a neutral, informative tone.

You asked why people romantacise yandere? Dismiss my ask if you don't want to know, it's not as bad as you might think tho.

[point of no return for explanation]

Most important/Main point ->

Many people who romantacise it or consume content regarding it, would never want it to happen in real life, but the fantasy of it is appealing. Similarly to how we read books about fantasy wars but would never want a war to occur in real life.

Other points I would like to bring up ->

A lot of us are mentally ill or attention/touch starved. The idea of someone devoting themself to you so wholly like that can be endearing.

Some people just like angst and feeling hurt. I dont personally, but I understand, it's similar to watching horror movies even if they scare the hell out of you, or sad movies even if they make you cry your heart out.

Some people have been through stuff and have come out in a way that sort of simulates what people would call a yandere, and they romantacise it to cope, or to feel liketheir love/obssession is reciprocated.

thank you for explaining this in a kind language <3

personally, i also like reading angst and such things, i know that these can change depending on the person's mood. but i don't think it's right to romanticize yandere or toxic relationship themed fictions. as i said in the previous post, these are traumatizing things and it bothers me when these are shown as sweet or pure acts of love in fictions. (there is no problem with the fictions that say this is wrong or show the effect of these situations on the person experiencing them!)

as you said, it may be a coping mechanism for some people, it's not my place to say anything about it. but the romanticization of yandere themes for different purposes seems as disturbing to me as pedophilia or incest relationships.

still, this is my opinion, and i respect every opinion :) i wanted to share this opinion because i've seen a lot of yandere themed fictions lately. and the reason i say i don't want to understand it is because i think it's wrong. i am open to peacefully discussing this with those who respond to me and defend this, i'm just not going to try to understand and empathize <3

(i'm tagging the tags where i've seen this plot before)

[cloudcountry]

I don't play sdv so im sending this on anon in case i say something wrong but it's always been bizarre to me how people dehumanize shane

I've seen multiple videos talking about the worst bachelors and they always put him in first because "he betrays the player" by relapsing on drinking but like, isn't that just realistic? Shane is human that's normal, it's always weird how they want to just save and fix Shane instead of accepting and loving him, they treat him like shit and for what? it's not like he's abusive he's sweet and caring he just has an addiction 😭

anon you hit the nail right on the head.

under the cut because im talking about mental health and relapsing.

the people who yell about shane being a fixer upper the LOUDEST are the one who actually WANT him fixed. nobody who genuinely cared for shane and loves him for who he is wants to "fix him," in fact you as the farmer dont even really push him to do anything. shane decides to get therapy on his own, he decides to repair his relationships on his own, HELL he even asks the farmer to take him to the hospital after he drank too much ON HIS OWN.

people love to cry out "YOU CANT FIX HIM" when nobody, not even the IN GAME FARMER is trying to do that. shane is a very realistic character, one of the most realistic in the game, and to say he "betrays" his spouse because he RELAPSED or "isn't a good husband" because his room is messy is CRAZY to me. its like people aren't even hearing themselves talk.

ive seen some people who seem to genuine like shane talk about how his room is so bothersome because "its messy" and "doesnt look as nice as the other candidates" and EVERY TIME i'm like. Yeah and you know why? because shane is depressed. because shane, who struggles to get out of bed sometimes, may not have the energy to clean up his room every day. shane, who still has horrible thoughts about himself, may feel like he's too worthless to even bother trying because what would a little cleaning do? shane, even after he marries you, is still VERY MENTALLY ILL.

its like some of the posts on here talking about how people only support mentally ill people if theyre clean and up to THEIR standards. shane is literally a walking representation of that. even the people who love him cant completely accept his mental illness because it makes him nasty to them and yet not a single one of them sees a problem with it. it makes me so angry because i HAVE struggled with depression, i HAVE gone through days were i couldn't clean, i HAVE been disgusting. and to me, every single time i see someone talk about shane this way, a character who i relate to because we have very similar struggles, it tells me that people would think this way about me too.

stardew is such a great game for finding fictional characters that embody your struggles. shane is one of those characters. people like him because of his many flaws and even greater amount of strengths. people like shane because he embodies them. the stardew fandom screaming over and over again that shane is nothing but an outlet for people with fixer complexes will never not piss me the hell off.

[urfavisapermaregressor]

This blog makes me feel disgusting as a permaregressor. It's honestly weird that you'll put permaregressor headcanons onto young children such as Ash or Kanna, they wouldn't even know what regressing is let alone permaregression. They're still KIDS. God, I agree with that other anon. You making permaregression seem like something fun and cute and desirable is putting actual permaregressors back. I hate having the mind of a child forever. I hate how you and other age regressors act like I cannot be an adult because I'm mentally stuck in adolescence. I hate how you're putting aesthetics on something that's honestly debilitating. Permaregression should be studied and marked as a mental illness for fucks sake, it kind of feels like you're not actually a permaregressor because of how you infantilize it and turn it into something cutesy and soft and uwu baby hehe haha. Fucking hell dude.

ok if you're gonna be rude to me im gonna be rude back. my life is ruined because of being permaregressed. ive set myself back, ive missed out on so many opportunities, i will never feel adequate or equal to anyone "my age," and on top of that i have been depressed and suicidal because of this and how much it has affected my life. do you think i wanna be a kid forever? genuinely, do you think im trying to make this seem desireable? bc if a headcanon for a fictional character makes the people you've made up in your head think "hm maybe permaregression isnt serious bc someone said ash from pokemon is a permaregressor" you AND them must be extremely fucking stupid because it's an image of a character on a flag. thats not setting anyone back, also we can't be set back bc we're not oppressed?? yeah we're different but holy shit we aren't having a movement/revolution. like this isn't hurting anybody. i shouldn't have to explain shit to you but i have cried so many tears and have trauma due to this shit. i never got a chance to grow up. i am stuck as this hurt child for the rest of my life and im forced to be someone i mentally am not able to be. i wake up and cry, i avoid my parents because im so ashamed i cant be the daughter they wanted. this obviously isnt "cute" and i would kill someone to not be this way, to have a chance at being somebody who's able to function through life properly so for you to say this shit just because i put a banner with stars and hearts is fucking ridiculous you piece of actual shit. not once on this fucking blog did i say it's fun being a permaregressor because it's NOT. dont tell me that it isnt. you dont know me, you dont know who i am, and you sure as hell aren't gonna tell me how my life is and how my experiences make me feel. it's hell. and i know that, and if you wanna get pissed at me for something as unharmful as headcanoning my favs for comfort then go ahead. i really don't give a shit.

i agree with you that permaregression should be studied. i headcanon a lot of my favorite characters have adhd or are autistic becahse it brings me comfort seeing my traits and disabilities in other characters. how is this any different? its not, so get the fuck over yourself. if i and many others have to live life with this painful mental space, being an age that physically and societally isnt acceptable as my true age, then im going to find comfort in seeing characters with the same traits as me. and i can assume that goes for others as well. the headcanons make me happy and find comfort. what do you have to say for canon permaregressor characters you dumbass?

and need i remind you that ash and kanna were requests, THIS IS A HEADCANON REQUEST BLOG. if someone wants to say ash is a permaregressor that's fine. it's not canon, it's not hurting you. you will live. and also who gives a fuck?? ITS A HEADCANON OF A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. and i will direct you back the last damn anon reply if you're gonna bitch about me matching the banners i put on my posts to the color of the flag and me using kaomojis and shit. if my blog disgusts you so bad block me. if you don't and keep fighting me over literally nothing, get off anon or just fuck off pussy.

[skubean]

Ohohoho have you written angst yet?

Maybe a reader who got assigned a character very similar with a graduated member and everyone gets mad on the reader or smth 🤭

Honestly sounds really juicy

oh my god anon first of all i am SO sorry this took so long, i was a little burnt out and busy but IM BACK (hopefully). second of all, I WROTE THIS AND DID NOT SAVE IT SO MY PROGRESS IS GONE so im starting from scratch again, im sorry if it isnt to your liking T.T also probably a bit controversial ksskkssk

where did it go wrong? ft. gn reader (nijisanji based)

cw: mentions of graduated member, pls dont take this srsly this is a fiction, lots of misunderstandings, angst to the core, this ones short bcs angst sucks!

you were beyond joy, ecstatic even. how could you not when you finally received the news you've been waiting for months. "i got in", you thought. it was probably the most happy you've ever been, especially considering how anxious you were the past few months, worried sick that you were going to get rejected. you were a part of the company now, the company you wanted to work with for streaming, it almost felt so unreal. when you sat in a meeting w the staffs, and went through some designs for your model, you were quick to notice one seeing quite familiar. and it broke your heart. it reminded you so much of them. but what hurt you more was when they urged you to use the exact model that you hoped you wouldn't get. their reasonings being that it suited you best, or that it makes up for the lost of one, something like that. you were shattered, scared, terrified, but lack the guts to reject anything. when you were introduced to the other members of the company, they all welcomed you warmly. the other members who were to debut alongside you quickly became acquainted w the others and it almost felt as if they've known them for so long. worried that you would be left behind, you had personally messaged some of your senpais to seek for guidance and to make conversations, only to be treated so coldly. "oh sorry, y/n. i can't help you i'm busy", while they helped the others earnestly. "you don't know how to start stream? what are you, an amateur?", while they guided your debut mates side by side. "if you want to have people like you, you gotta be more original. don't stoop so low and be a fake like this" you were beyond confusion. what the hell was all this treatment you were getting? did you say something wrong? were you rude? did you offend anybody? why, just why were they ignoring you so openly, and multiple at that too. but you held strong, you stayed calm. if you wanted to debut, then this prejudice was nothing. you could do it. it was going to be fine. except it wasn't. when debut day came, you were the last in line to stream. technical issues, internet problems. you couldn't bare to see twitter, to see the hate that was being thrown at you for being unprofessional. at last, when you finally got the stream to work, you were shocked to see the criticism they were throwing at you in the live chat. "rip-off" "faker" "unoriginal" "give us back what we lost" you wanted to cry. why is it your fault? you noticed how shaky your voice was, and you tried so so hard to hold back your tears. your hands were trembling, and you kept fumbling on your words. it was just so unfair. why should you bear the sins of other people? post debut, you were looking at the tweets and were just so heartbroken to see the double treatment people were giving you. you hated everything at that moment, and were rethinking if you did the right thing. it wasn't fair. you were human too. months passed by and you were never free from the foul mouths of the people on the internet, and it drained you so much. you wanted to make a living, wanted to do your best to provide content for people just as it makes you happy. but if happiness wasn't destined for you, and if people couldn't see your sincerity, then maybe it was all your fault in the end.

a/n: bro can i just say i hate angst skskssksk this sucks

[chengfagshi]

https://www.tumblr.com/ah-gan/746657382903513088/

people are indeed crazy when it comes to val at all wtf. people still havent understood that despite the costume the makeup the wig whatever, behind all that were not the character. im NOT the character im cosplaying!! and that absolutely doesnt mean that i agree with the characters actions! lmao people are the first to cry for someone cosplaying val when alastor velvet or vox are no better in the series & yet no one comes to bother those who cosplay them. almost like people hate val cuz he did something sexually wrong and not cuz he did something wrong at all....

also youre very based for wanting to cosplay this character even if i dont know who it is lol

Exactly! It's always about the sex act. Someone could murder dozens of children and people will be fine with someone cosplaying them (coughwilliamaftoncough). But the second someone cosplays a sexual abuser, all hell breaks loose and suddenly the cosplayer "condones their actions". Like a lot of antis think, for some reason, someone being sexual is the worst crime you can commit. Which yes, SA is so fucking awful. But like...so is murder??? Also again, all these characters are fictional. So someone cosplaying a rapist does not make them a rapist. Like these assholes ruin cons for everyone. Also this Val cosplayer mentioned how someone pulled a gun out on them, "shot" them (idk if it was like a NERF gun or what) and told them to leave Angel alone. Like??? How do they think they're still in the right after treating people like this??? I'm just flabbergasted.

Also thank you very much! If you're curious, the character I want to cosplay is Yomi Hellsmile. And I'm fr gonna cosplay him eventually and if the savior complex crowd harasses me, I will probably go to jail. Because I am done with their gd bullshit.

[gaybitchfx]

I posted 2,768 times in 2022

That's 2,763 more posts than 2021!

2,699 posts created (98%)

69 posts reblogged (2%)

(69 hehe)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@secretivemessenger

@reallyromealone

@jkloserdazai

@showandtelltime

@caffeinated-moth

I tagged 1,146 of my posts in 2022

#kay★rants - 266 posts

#my baby boy - 242 posts

#best son - 230 posts

#fiction - 171 posts

#🐰anon❤︎ - 164 posts

#fluff - 148 posts

#anime - 139 posts

#side rant - 132 posts

#writers - 82 posts

#tokyo revengers - 78 posts

Longest Tag: 129 characters

#oh entonces quieres ir allí perra? por eso eres la personificación literal de tener una maldita piedra en tu puto zapato perraaaa

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Can you do Mikey x male reader,

Like reader always makes fun of Mikey because of his height and the way he acts, and then a few years later Mikey just fucks reader,

Top Mikey and bottom reader. Thank you 💖

A/n: Nah because I just got a that little funny feeling in my stomach when I read your request 👀 but I’ll def write that for you! Hope you enjoy!

IT’S NOT FUNNY!

See the full post

589 notes - Posted April 16, 2022

#4

シMY MASTER LISTシ

I DONT WRITE FEM READER

1) The most important thing here is no hate and to just have fun and enjoy whatever bizarre shit I write! You may have your own opinions, but please don’t comment anything negative. I want my page to be welcoming and comfortable for everyone!

2) I do NOT write the following; pedophilia, incest, r@pe, all the characters I write about have to at least be 18 and up or if they have a time skip! Unless I’m writing fluff and angst I will write about characters of any age!

3) I’m not writing anything nasty. If your request has something I don’t like I will tell you.

4) Everyone is welcomed besides people that sexualize mlm and nblm. I mostly write x Male Reader stuff since there aren’t as many things of x male readers in here! But the thing is I don’t write x female reader content because there’s tons of it and because I don’t feel comfortable writing that kind of stuff. All sexuality’s are accepted! As I said before I wanna make my page as comfortable to everyone as possible!

5) Have fun! I love each and everyone one of you as if you were my own children! I also allow vents and rants in my messages whenever you don’t have someone to talk to! I just really want to make my readers feel loved and appreciated more then anything! Every single one of you make me happy and I appreciate that!

6) I have a limit to how many people I write for:

1-2: Definitely can do it

2-3: Might take me some time but I’ll do it

3-4: Mmm I’ll see what I can do

5 and up: I will be flabbergasted and start crying

Masterlist of all my fanfics: 1/2, 2/2

Events

Kinktober

Smut Prompts

See the full post

597 notes - Posted January 15, 2022

#3

Omega Mikey trying to court himbo alpha reader but readers dumb as hell and it takes Mikey practically screaming it at him

Any Mikey will do I'm not picky

Note: It’s the fact I started rubbing my hands together while chuckling and I’m finna do Kanto Mikey since Kanto Mikey is everything

CAN'T TAKE A HINT?

See the full post

598 notes - Posted August 18, 2022

#2

Tumblr is fucking with me so idk if the req I was writing went through— but here it is again rhjwshbw

can I request a Mikey fucking male reader 😭 like male reader is shorter than Mikey are they are already in a relationship and Mikey suddenly felt possessive so decided to fuck his baby boy dumb 😣

A/n: Tumblr acts stupid all the time so half the time I don’t even know if I got a request or not 😭 So sometimes I think it’s better to just send me request via messages so I can actually get them.

POSSESSIVE SEX

See the full post

656 notes - Posted May 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Character(s): Eremite Daythunder

Type of reader: M!Reader

Category: Nsfw 😗✨

Warning(s): cuffing, table fucking, rough sex & crossdressing

Edited: ❌

Note: He’s just really hot okay? And ion know if that's his actual name but imma use it anyways

See the full post

765 notes - Posted August 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

Mmm- I don’t like how I’m able to see my old posts 💀

[mayonakano-archive]

btw this is also a cry for help bc i dont know how to. like deal w this this kind of stuff never happens at my school!! i think. maybe i just dont care enough

but basically theres this guy he's my friend right. he's leaving class (we had an exam today so we left early today and he goes by the buses while my parents pick me up so. yeah) and then he stops and is like

"Hey neo (he didnt actually call me that he said my name but yk) there's someone I like. She's in this class. You can ask [friend 1] or [friend 2] but I cant tell you her name because I'm shy. Can you ask about her grades and tell me on Thursday?" thursday's our next exam btw

this is like. sort of paraphrasing but contains the gist and I just want to scream BECAUSE WHY IN HELL DID HE TELL ME. IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN HE HAS A CRUSH ON ME??? I DIDNT ASK HIS FRIENDS BC HOW DO YOU DO THAT LIKE HEY YOUR BRO TOLD ME HAS A CRUSH ON SOMEBODY. WHO IS IT. WHEN YOU DONT CARE

AND WHAT IF HE DOES HAVE A CRUSH ON ME??? I DONT HAVE ACRUSH OTHER THAN ON LIKE. FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. THIS IS ASIA MAN WE ARENT ALLOWED TO HAVE CRUSHES BY LAW!!! (law as in. parents. haha i am one of the supposed to be smart kids woo)

AND IF ITS SOMEONE ELSE. WHY DOES HE WANT ME TO ASK. IS T THAT HARD TO TALK TO YOUR CRUSH IVE NEVR HAD ONE IM CONFUSED. HE DOESNT EVEN NEED TO TELL HER SHE'S HIS CRUSH HE CAN JUST ASK HER LIKE HEY HOWRE YOUR EXAMS GOING

okay i got that off myc hest what do you think bc youre the first person ive told!! its been 5 hours since he told me and ive been getting increasingly worried

understandable. but. i can speak from experience: this is like A Thing that happens over here. people will make other people talk to their crushes for them??? it's. so weird. i don't get it either. i also don't tend to get crushes on anyone aside from fictional characters. hewwo????

BUT LIKE??? WHY DID HE TELL YOU??? IS IT YOU??? it seem sus that he's like "haha go ask my friends" instead of just. t. telling you who it is. why did he do that. tbh if you don't care i think you should just. continue ignoring it. like...... what are you realistically gonna do with the information????? in a way i get it tho it can be scary to talk to your crush but at the same time like??? JUST ASK HOW HER EXAMS ARE GOING??? THAT'S THE LEAST SUS TOPIC OF CONVERSATION EVER???

godspeed neo. i'm wishing you luck. crush drama is so weird.

[sunny6677]

THE AUDIO LOGS OF ANDREW HUDSON.

SUMMARY: The following are real audio tapes of tapes left by an animator at the forgotten studio Joey Drew Studios. Please ensure that you are ready to listen with these with caution, dear listener. What you may hear may cause you to never want to hear again. What you may picture may make you never want to see again. Please be aware of the consequences you may have if you do not have permission to listen to these tapes. If not permitted, then [REDACTED]. You have been warned.

(This is fiction btw, so no worries-- I know some people with anxiety issues might think this is real so this is just a clarification.)

TW FOR CHAPTER/TAPE: PANIC ATTACKS, REPETITION.

TW FOR SERIES: MANIPULATION, TRANSFORMATION, UNHEALTHY MINDSET, OBSESSIONS, CULTS, CULT MENTIONS, MURDER.

-------------------------------

TAPE #8

THE VOICE OF ANDREW HUDSON & WALLY FRANKS.

SOMETIME AFTER THE LAST TAPE.

----------------------------

[30 SECONDS OF SWEEPING SOUNDS GO BY.]

A: "Hey, Walls! How's it hangin'?"

W: "A— Ah! Oh— hey, pal.. I'm, uh, sweepin' right now, so if you could.."

A: "Jeez— you okay? Your eyes are watery as hell. Do you have allergies or some shit?"

W: "N— No, pal, I dont— I don't think I do.. hey, how come you've been talkin' to me so much lately? If your an animator, I'd expect for ya to barely be able to see me at all."

A: "Eh, that's what happens when you have too much coffee I guess! If I down it enough, I can finish it all in one sitting!"

W: "That— That shouldn't even be possible.."

A: "Oh well, it is for me— say, ya looked kinda sad when I got back from my pee break last night, did somethin' happen?"

W: "Uh— ye— yeah! I'm fine, nothin' happened. No need to worry—" [WALLY SEEMINGLY SOUNDS NERVOUS HERE.]

A: "Really? Ya looked like someone just told you the worst news ever."

W: "Y— Yes, I'm fine! I'm okay! Maybe— maybe you should get back to your work—" [WALLYS VOICE SOUNDS AS IF ITS BREAKING.]

A: "W— Walls? Are— are ya.. cryin'?.."

W: "No, no.. no.." [WHAT SOUNDS TO BE WALLYS VOICE THEN BEGINS TO BREAK INTO SOBBING.]

A: "W— Walls!"

W: "Its goin' all wrong.."

A: "No, no, come— c'mere.."

[SHUFFLING NOISES.]

W: "Its goin' all wrong, it's goin'—"

A: "Whats goin' all wrong? Hey—"

W: "No— no, no, no, no.."

A: "Hey, hey, it's alright.. I'm gonna help you get through this, alright? Come on.."

W: "No, no, no—"

A: "Okay, now listen to me alright— I want you to follow what I tell ya, okay? Okay. Now, now— breathe in for me, alright?"

[WALLY INHALES.]

A: "Breathe out."

[WALLY EXHALES.]

A: "Good, good— breathe in."

[WALLY INHALES AGAIN.]

A: "Breathe out."

[WALLY EXHALES AGAIN.]

A: "Alright, good, buddy! Your doin' great! Breathe in.."

[WALLY INHALES ONCE MORE.]

A: "Breathe out."

[WALLY EXHALES ONCE MORE.]

A: "Okay, okay.. can i hug you?"

[2 SECONDS OF SILENCE.]

A: "Okay, good.."

[SHUFFLING SOUNDS.]

A: "Its okay to not be okay, Wally.. I'm here, you can cry all ya want, bud.."

[WALLY WHIMPERS, AND THEN BEGINS TO SOB. HIS CRIES BECOME MUFFLED, THOUGH THE PERSONNEL AT THE FOUNDATION ARE UNSURE WHY. FOR A GOOD 10 MINUTES, WALLY JUST CRIES. THEN, AFTER A WHILE, HE STOPS.]

A: "...do ya wanna talk now?"

W: "...no, I dont... I don't think I wanna talk about it."

A: "Okay, okay, that's alright.. ya don't have to talk about it if ya don't want to."

W: "I— I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make ya put up with this.."

A: "Hey, man, I'm not puttin' up with ya— I'm just bein' your friend, that's all! Here, until ya feel alright again, we can stay like this."

W: "...I don't understand why your so nice to me, pal.. i cant tell if your pitying me or.. or not.."

A: "Hey, I'm not pitying ya, your just a really cool guy! If anything, I don't understand why I don't ever see people talkin' to ya."

W: "...your so warm. I dont think i wanna leave yet.."

A: "Heh.. and that's fine with me. I can still sit with ya for a few more minutes."

W: "...okay. And— and then i'll... I guess i'll be outta here for today.. I don't think I can do my rounds like usual.."

A: "Heh, okay. That's fine too. Maybe i'll get outta here too, since I'm already done after all.."

W: "...okay."

------------------------

NOTES: NONE.

[taegularities]

HEY RiD ! How are you honeybuns 💗✨️ Life has been kicking my ass for a while but there is still hope for me ..Anxiety and panic attacks are the freaking worst ..I have never experienced one before so it was kinda terrifying i was literally watching my own horror movie..but thats not the point ..the point is that YOU AUTHOR RID ARE GUILTY FOR RAISING MY STANDARDS ! Like hello am i supposed to die single 😭 why would you do this huh ! ANSWER ME ....was/is there someone or something that inspired/s you to write your characters this way ..and CMI jk !! OMG His character is phenomenal ..Oh the man he is ..its like when he loves ..he just loves yk ..there is no limit /boundary to his love and affection ..i cant help but imagine that if he and oc were to wed ..he is probably gonna be the crying and throwing up bcz his heart is bursting out of love and he is so freaking drunk over her ..i just know that oc would have to koala hug him so he stops crying lmao 🥹😭 ..These freaking fictional men istg ..And dont even get me started on dates ..i swear half of the time i am just scrolling my fav aus and being delusional while on the other hand the poor guy is trying to talk to me and banging his head on the table 💀 i just hope you are taking care of your health cuz we are the sensitive gang (one thing goes wrong and i know i am already going down the rabbit hole ) ..Also just curious (if you wanna share ) How was your first date experience like? Your first crush ? Cuz there is this guy in my Arts class and i am crushing so hard on him like he is so freaking sweet and charming ..He passed my vibe check on the first day 🙂 i get butterflies (alot ) whenever he looks at me.he is not the first guy yk like i have been on a lot of dates and stuff ..i did find them attractive but it is just so different with him ..like as much as i want to believe gettinf butterflies and heart skipping beats is real ..it has never happened to me and i am just going crazy ..it is scary as well cuz no guy has ever held this much power over me 🕳🚶‍♀️ Sometimes over pinkies would touch accidently and i am already melting in a puddle 🙂😭 What the hell is happening ..it is like Cmi yk..i just know that if he tries hard enough he can break my heart and i would gladly let him( this thought scares the shit outta me ) ..

awh man, living for the chaos in this ask lol it's so all over the place 🤧 i'm okay! winter break shall give me some peace of mind. how are youuuu?… totally.. cmi jk keeps raising my standard, too :') thinking about them hurts me bc i can't wait to experience such a love one day, too </3 and you will, as well!! i know some people are odd and make people lose hope, but i want to believe that there are a bunch out there who are just right for us and know how to make us happy 💕 tbh, i didn't base these characters on anyone i know, but rather… oc is someone i strive to be and jk is the kind of person i would want to love :(

my first date? hmmmm… honestly, a bit awkward? :'D we were at his place and watching something, but i know he was looking at me through the tv's reflection? and then we had more dates and our first kiss kinda went.. very wrong lmao but all that was part of something that bloomed into something beautiful 🌹 you'll be okay, love!! enjoy the feeling your crush evokes!! manifesting so much happiness for you 🥺

(also omg i gotta ask before i go all overthinking mode.. you said arts class? but you're 18+ right? 😭 since i have a minors dni policy!! pls lmk <3)

[piningeddiediaz]

The "crying club" here on tumblr, which is embarrassing in itself but ok, is totally bullying people for not believing in the same things (trc related) they are, or for seeing a character differently. My friend got attacked bc she likes gansey!!!!!! Those people are insane imo. They are 25-30+ years old abd behsve like children. It's just books, it's fictional characters, everyone interprets things differently. But to be attacked over liking a character and only putting adam on a pedestal is so stupid. Adam is my fave too but this worshipping what they do is seriously embarrassing. Those are grown ass women. It sucks that on so many pynch blogs or trc blogs you are confronted with them. I'm sure some are nice and don't mean harm but a few of them, they think they the elite and they are the only ones who can say something about characters. And they dont seem to have many hobbies outside of tumblr and their weird group, they dissect the books like there is no tomorrow and come up with the stupidest theories. They are what make the experience on here strained. If they stick to themselves and do what they want it's fine but bullying or attacking people is not ok. They should block them too.

alright you know what, since y’all are so keen to get me involved i might as well. why the hell did you think you could come to me and say shit about my friends? what exactly do you think i will do here?

by bullying do you mean calling out people on their problematic opinions which they, as members of the community, feel uncomfortable by? because there is a word for that sweetie and it’s not bullying. it can escalate into something when people refuse to let it go, which is kinda exactly what’s happening over here. y’all are so quick to say everyone has different opinions and to respect everyone when it’s your opinions that are being attacked, but when someone else does the same y’all are so ready to jump down their throats.

and get that shit out of here. you have no right to come to someone and attack them because they -boo hoo - have interests outside a daily 9-5 job. they’re adults on tumblr? big fucking deal. i am also an adult on tumblr, fyi, and i’m pretty sure i’ll still be here when i’m an old fucking woman on my deathbed. what’s it to you? believe it or not, you don’t have a monopoly on tumblr. you don’t know anything about anyone’s lives on here, so i don’t know on what authority you’re concluding whether they have a life outside of tumblr. have you ever even spoken to them before or are you just stringing words here?

and look, i’m not trying to say the fandom on here is picture perfect bcos i know they’re not. and maybe i dont see it bcos i make sure not to interact with anyone i might disagree with. you’re right, we all have our own opinions and likes and dislikes and we should be able to enjoy them in peace privately. key word is privately! the scroll button is free (i like gansey. julia doesn’t like gansey. i’m willing to admit gansey had done many problematic things i like him less for. neither of us have tried to change the other’s opinion or argue with the other, which is why we get along fine. it’s called being mature it’s pretty a pretty good thing to do). the block button is free. the unfollow button is free no one will care if you unfollow someone because their opinions don’t match yours. you have the right to curate your experience on here to match what you want. what you don’t have a right to do is send these to anyone, let alone someone else. this is called talking behind someone’s back. plus you had to have known i will send this to them, right?

i get you, i do, but i think you’re targeting the wrong people here buddy. because from where i’m standing, i can see pretty clearly who were expressing an opinion on their blog for which they repeatedly get attacked for, and who has been going to other people to accuse someone of bullying, and who are the ones going beyond fandom drama and saying personal shit :/ primary school may have been a while ago for me but my memories aren’t that bad. i’m pretty sure i know what bullying is

[aizawa-needs-coffee]

Hi!! Could I have a matchup please? I'm 18, pronouns she/her, I'm fine w any gender though I have a preference for males

If its of any relevance, physically I'm about 5'8 tall and on the chubby side, green eyes, brown hair (with blonde streaks) and I wear glasses

If you're into astrology/ mbti, I am a Sagittarius w both moon and rising in Cancer and I'm INFP

So I'm quite emotional lol. Usually very in touch with my emotions and quite perceptive of other's feelings as well. I have a huge saviours complex especially when it comes to feelings (i love helping others figure out their feelings, being a shoulder to cry on or even offering comforting hugs) but I try my best to keep it control cause I don't wanna be suffocating

On the outside I'd say I'm fairly organized, I keep my room clean and all of that, I'm a lil bit of a perfectionist but mentally I'm all over the place. I tend to get carried away by thoughts and emotions and end up procrastinating a lot; anxiety makes it all worse. In short, I suck at time management

To most people I may seem quiet and reserved but I actually really enjoy talking to people; I'm really insecure about not being funny or interesting enough tho. Around my friends I'm more relaxed but still have moments of self doubt

I can also be quite obsessive. If something really catches my interest I won't stop until I search all there is to know about it. For example I watched bnha, read the manga, the spin offs etc all in less than a month and now I'm indulging in fanart and fanfics because I need m o r e c o n t e n t hsbsb. I'm also that kind of person that listens to a new song they like on repeat until they hate it. Speaking of music, I can't say I have a taste lol. My fave genres are rock, pop and indie but I hear smth I like, I listen to it, whether its "high quality" music, basic or weird. Lately I've been listening to a lot of epicore which is literally the type of music thats used in fantasy and sci fi movies askfkdk

I like expressing myself through writing, singing and dancing but I really can't say I'm talented at either of those, it's all in good fun. I also enjoy reading (fiction, non-fic books bore me like hell; my fave genres are fantasy, sci fi and crime) but I haaate literature in school. I'm actually a bit of a math nerd and this year I'm starting uni, studying computer science!! Oh! I've also taken drama classes for 2 years (despite the fear I loved being on stage and plan on starting again once I'm done w the baccalaureate), I love playing D&D and while I woulnd't quite call myself a gamer, I love role playing video games. I'm also almost always down for any kind of multiplayer video games w friends although I have no experience

I'm not a sportive person, I go on walks or do a few exercises every now and then at home but I'm willing to try stuff out like a new sport or going to the gym w an s/o. I do plan on starting self defense classes soon and maybe taking up sword fighting (I love swords hehe)

Tbh I've never been in a relationship so I'm not really sure how I would act w an s/o, nor what I'm exactly looking for. I best express my affection through physical touch tho and that includes my friends so I'd like someone who isn't bothered or can get used to that (s/o would still receive the most hugs/ cuddles etc). I'm not that comfortable w the other love languages for friends and family, but I think I'd be a lot more eager to express my love through them for s/o. If I'm on the receiving end, my weakness is still physical touch :)) but I also need words of affirmation every now and then cause insecurities 🌠 and while I wouldn't ask for anything, especially objects, I am a hoarder and I'd keep any kind of gift like its a national treasure simply bc its from someone I love.

In addition, it doesn't really matter if s/o is more on the emotional or rational side a long as they dont invalidate my feelings; it angers me a lot and makes me feel even more insecure. I tend to isolate when I'm really really upset about something so I need a lil bit of pushing to talk abt it; I'm open to talk abt my feelings but I need the verbal confirmation that they care and wanna help, its not just cause they're being nice

Wow that is a lot of rambling jeez ajsjsjs sorry. Thank you so much if you've read throught that all and ty for the match up!!

Me and my wife literally having a ten minute debate on who we’d pair you with before I made my choice. Thanks for all the details and I hope you enjoy the match up!

I match you with Sero

I feel he’s outgoing and extroverted enough to help you with your anxiety and always reassure you that you are good at things and he does love you, he’s also so chill and laid back that even if you were clingy he’d not mind, he’d embrace it, his chill nature would help balance you. He would help you feel grounded and have a ‘you don’t have to do it all now’ attitude but would happily help you out. You need help going to the store? He remembers the list you wrote, having trouble fitting in lunch while you study? He’ll come to your door with pizza.

He’s determined and outgoing but isn’t aggressively positive and loud either which I think is why I picked him over Kirishima for you.

+++

“Hey babe, whatcha reading?” Sero asked sitting next to you on the sofa, he handed you a soda which you gratefully took, not looking up from your laptop screen.

As soon as he was sat down comfortably your hand grabbed his, clasping your fingers together as you managed to tear your gaze away from the Wikipedia page which was still open. You blinked up at him and shook your head.

“Oh just something I learned about today and wanted to do some.. extra reading” you explained.

He nodded his head and drank his soda watching as your face lit up as you started to ramble about the topic, he didn’t really know much about it but the way you told him about everything, the way you happily expressed your interest towards the topic made him happy. He gave you his big grin when you finished.

“Sorry, I rambled..” You felt bad, you always felt nervous when you info dumped on people.

“Nah, it’s cool, I didn’t mind at all” he brought your hand up to his face and gave it a kiss, your face flushed at the gentle gesture which caused Sero to laugh playfully.

“Well, if your sure… I just wanted something to take my mind off chores”.

“It’s the weekend, you don’t have to rush anyway.. and if you don’t feel better by tomorrow I can help, you can wash the dishes and I’ll dry?” he suggested still peppering kisses on the back of your hand before you set your laptop down and crawled closer to him.

You nodded softly, that sounded a lot more manageable, you felt your anxiety settle down from a raging nagging feeling to something easier to tolerate. He was such a good influence on you. Sero set down his drink and wrapped his arm around you, pulling you closer to his chest.

“The guys want to come over and say hi later, maybe get pizza… but I can tell them not tonight if you aren’t feeling it… maybe you can play that new game you got? I liked watching you play the other night” He suggested as he nuzzled your head, enjoying how your hair felt on his face.

“Maybe… can I give you an answer later?”

“Yeah, no rush babe”

You smiled softly feeling the lanky boy kiss the side of your head and listened as you carried on talking about the trivia of your current interest.

[dingobabywrites]

 so, in light of recent events, people have been discussing when they think Dean and Cas realized that they were in love with each other. While I 100% believe dean realized in purgatory, I dont think Castiel realized until Dean broke Naomi's connection.

BUT!!!!

I also think that is around the same time Sam realized it too. Obviously Charlie already knew ( " what about Castiel, he seems helpful and..Dreamy" she's a lesbian. That comment wasn't for Her!") I think Charlie was the one to point it out to sam and I think the two of them agreed to keep it to themselves since neither of those two would have been able to handle that information. So, I wrote a little thing about how I think it went down.

I also wanted to give myself an explanation for those wierd looks and mystery note from the end of the episode...so yeah...here's that.

Sam hobbled down the hall to the guest room, his hand still throbbing from knocking Dean unconcious . It was…worrisome, to say the least, that he was having this much trouble with healing from such a minor injury, not to mention the other things that were happening to his body; the fatigue, coughing up blood. Troubling, but, as much as he hated to admit it, worth it. Dean had been pissing him off more than usual lately anyway. It wasn't just the trials. Sure, he was frustrated with Dean for thinking he wasn't strong enough to handle them (he had fought against Lucifer in his own mind for christ's sake) but it was everything else too. His loyalty to Benny still didn't sit right with him. He had been so quick to kill Amy, just because she was a monster. He didn't care that she was just feeding her kid. She was just a monster to him. But for some reason, Benny got a pass. Sure, the guy saved both their asses, he was grateful for that, but even Bobby knew it was wrong.

And then there was Cas.

 

Sam wanted nothing more, than to tell Dean that he should have learned his lesson the first time with the Angel. It wasn't like he didn't like Castiel. Of course he did. He was appreciative of everything the guy had done for them. Dean was right that he had saved their asses more than once. It was just….at the end of the day, whether they liked him or not, Castiel had betrayed them. He understood that perfectly. What he couldn't understand, was why dean was so suprised by him doing it again. Hell, Dean had been the one to bring up that fact that the guy wasn't acting right since he got back and yet, there he was, praying to him, putting his trust in him again. It was maddening, to say the least. He had tried to talk to his brother about it, but Dean immediately shut down.

So, yeah, his hand was still hurting, but it was damn worth it.

He turned the corner to find Charlie stuffing her things into her duffle. He knocked on the door frame with his uninjured hand. "Hey, there."

"Sam." She half smiled, when she turned around, her eyes still a little bleary from crying. "Hi, I'm just…just packing up to head out and…" she sniffled and plopped down on the bed, covering her face as she began crying anew.

Sam walked into the room and pulled up the desk chair, sitting down in front of her. "Dean told me what happened, while you two were under." He said. "I am so sorry about your mom, Charlie." He placed his hand on her shoulder as she began crying harder. "I know how hard it is to let go like that…"

"Dean was right," she sniffed. "I needed to stop holding on."

Sam let out a bitter scoff and pulled his hand back, squeezing both hands between his legs. "Yeah, Dean's always right, isn't he? Too bad he can't follow his own advice."

Charlie looked up, her eyes sad and confused. "Holding on to my mom was the reason I was stuck there. If he hadn't made me let go, I would have died.we both would have."

Sam shook his head at himself, trying his damndest to let go of his own bitterness to be there for his friend. "Ya, I know. I'm sorry…just…I know you're hurting right now, I just want you to know I'm here for you."

Charlie sniffed again, wiping her arm across her face to dry it before leaning back and staring at Sam. "I don't get it." She said, as firmly as possible.

Sam, leaned back and shrugged. "Me neither, really. I always thought all djinn fed off happiness. It's like every time we figure stuff out, something new comes along to throw us off our game."

"Not that." Charlie said, waving his statement off. Sam looked at her, confused, not sure what she was referring to. She took a breath and pulled a book out of her duffle throwing it on Sam's lap. 'Mystery Spot' By Carver Edlund. "You say these books happened in real life. That everything written in them actually went down…but the past two times I've been around you guys…you certainly dont act like you do in the books."

Sam skimmed the first page of the book and chuckled, tossing it back on the bed next to Charlie. "Yeah, well, things have just been different, I guess."

"So, you used to love and support each other, no matter what and now you just, what? Stopped?" She asked.

"It's…" Sam scoffed and shook his head. "things are just, more complicated now…"

"You maybe, wanna elaborate there buddy?" She asked. "I may be a genius, but a mind reader, I am not."

Sam let out a breath and scrubbed a hand through his hair. He figured it might feel better to at least get something off his chest. "To be honest Charlie, I dont think Dean is cut out for the job anymore."

"Why not?"

"His judgment, for one thing." Sam answered. "I don't know, just ever since he got back from purgatory… he's been…it's like he can't think straight anymore. He used to be no nonsense when it came to killing monsters and only trusting people he knew he could trust and now… I mean, I get it. Purgatory was rough on him, but the guy has literally been to Hell and back. I don't see why this time is any different."

"What do you mean?" Charlie asked softly.

"I mean like, being friends with a freaking vamp." Sam answered, coldly. "Yeah, Benny wasn't like the others, and I get the whole 'brother's in arms' aspect, but it still doesn't make sense." He waved his hand, gesturing back at the book before letting it drop. "That Dean? That Dean would have never put his trust in a monster. That Dean wouldn't let people back into his life that had screwed him over, and now…I don't know, now it's like he just doesn't care about letting people in that who could hurt him, or…people who already have."

"So, it's not just about the vampire." Charlie said. "Who else has Dean been trusting that you don't think he should?"

Sam gritted his teeth and shook his head. "Cas really messed him up Charlie. I mean, the guy already turned his back on us once and Dean just let him back into our lives like nothing even happened."

"Ah." Charlie said, with complete understanding. "Okay, I get it now."

"Get what?" Sam asked.

"I get why Dean has been acting wierd, duh." She said, like it was obvious. Sam sat, staring at her, trying to peice together what puzzle she seemed to have completed. "Oh, my God. Do you really not see it?" Charlie laughed.

"Um, no?" Sam said, skeptically.

"Wow," she scoffed. "And here I thought you were the observant one." Sam waited for her to explain herself, still utterly lost on what she was talking about. "It's Castiel." She said, speaking to him as if he were a child.

"What about him?" Sam asked, hoping like hell that she wasn't talking about the angel brainwashing his brother or something.

"I've read the books, Sam." She said. "I know all about Dean's special Angel friend."

"No." Sam shook his head. "No, chuck stopped writing after Dean went to hell. There's no way you could have a read anything about Cas."

Charlie scrunched her face and bobbed her head back and forth. "Mmmm, not exactly." She reached into her bag and pulled put her laptop, turning it on. "Remember how I said the books were online now?" Sam nodded waiting for her to continue. "Okay, dont get mad," she said as she typed "but, he may have kept writing a little bit longer than you thought…."

"He what?!" Sam said, furious. They had told that dick to knock it off after that stupid convention."How long?"

"Relax." She said, scrolling through some page on her screen. "He stopped after you sacrifice yourself to Hell, actually. It was beautifully written by the way, super emotional, but no one has seen or heard from him since."

'Good!' Sam thought to himself. He felt a little bad for that thought, since Kevin was now the prophet it meant that the reason no one had heard from Chuck was likely because he was dead, but at least no one else could know more about their lives than they already did. "Okay, but what does any of this have to do with Dean? Why would Cas be the reason he's acting wierd?"

Charlie sighed, cringing to her self a little. "Well, as you already know, where there's a fandom, there's most likely fanfiction…"

"I'm aware." Sam said, peeved by the memory of stumbling upon the fanfiction written about him and Dean.

"Look, I'm not saying anything is definite, but alot of people who write fanfiction are really good at reading between the lines." She clicked her mouse a few times before closing her laptop and setting it back in her bag. "I mean, I've read all the books myself, and I totally know that you guys are real people and not some fictional characters, and it's completely not okay to speculate on your lives and feelings or whatever...but I mean, it's kinda hard not to see where they're all coming from."

"What are you talking about, Charlie?"

"Dean said that Benny helped him fight through purgatory, right?" She said. "He met him pretty early on in his time there, no?"

"Yeah," Sam said, still completely bemused, "I guess…Dean hasn't really talked a lot about what happened while he was there. He told me some things, but he never really went into detail."

Charlie nodded and shrugged sheepishly before continuing. "Okay, so he met Benny early on, and Benny told him he had a way to get back, right off the bat. So, why did it take them so long to get out of there?"

"Dean said he spent alot of his time searching for Cas." Sam answered.

"Exactly!" She exclaimed, like that should have been the answer.

"I'm sorry Charlie, I still don't understand what you're getting at here."

"Sam, he could've come back at any point after meeting Benny. They only spent as much time as they did together, because Dean wanted to bring Castiel back with him. Even after everything he did. Don't you think that's a little…suspicious?"

"That's exactly what I've been saying!" Sam said. "Why would he do that?!"

"Yeah, Sam, why?" She said, still trying to lead him. "Why would someone run back into a fire, when they have a way out? I mean, I think you, of all people, would know the answer to that."

Sam gaped at her in shock. It took a minute for him to register what she was implying, but once he did… "Charlie, that's…"

"Just a thought!" She defended before he finished. "I'm just saying that Dean doesn't normally put his trust in people. Except, maybe…the people he REALLY cares about and the people that protect them. Maybe there's more to the story when it comes to his trust in Benny than you thought. I definitely feel like there's more when it comes to Castiel."

"Charlie, come on." Sam laughed a little. " You know Dean. He's…"

"More complicated than people give him credit for." Charlie cut him off. "He also knows how hard it is to let go of the people he loves. He's actually really bad at it. Maybe, worse than you know."

"Charlie," Sam started, before being cut off once more.

"He's definitely more concerned about you than you think." Charlie said firmly, standing up as she did. She began packing once more, keeping her eyes averted from Sam's. "He's not trying to control you, you know. He raised you, Sam. You mean alot to him. You ever think for a moment that he's just really scared for you? Scared of losing you? I mean, back to my point, he is really bad at losing people."

Sam sat in silence, petulantly mulling over Charlie's words. She was right, probably. Dean may have been scared, but it was still possible that he just couldn't hack the life anymore. Sam wasn't some child. And the other stuff she was saying…she was way off base. There was a big difference between reading about someone's and living it.

"I sent you the link to the website I used to read the books." Charlie said as she zipped up her bags. She slung her backpack over her shoulder crossing her arms as she stared him down. "I know you lived through it all and everything, but not every part was about you. There's a few things you may have missed."

"Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen." Sam shook his head.

"Just a suggestion." She shrugged. "It might open your eyes to a few things you don't understand. I get not wanting to relive those times but…if you ever decide that's something you might wanna do, hit me up. I can tell you what chapters to skip, or whatever. And, if your really curious about Dean's relationship to Castiel, 'On the Head of a Pin' is a good place to start. The torture chapters are pretty rough, and I know you'll want to skip over your parts…but the other stuff.…" she shrugged.

"Okay." He said, at a loss for more words than that.

"You ready to roll?" Dean said, from the doorway, knocking on the door frame before entering the room.

"Looks, like it." Charlie smiled up at him as he entered.

"I didn't interrupt anything did I?" Dean asked looking between her and Sam with concern written all over his face. "You guys look a little spooked."

"Ew, gross, no." Charlie said, scrunching her face at Dean's implications. "Sam, was just helping me with my bags. Right Sam?"

"Uh, yeah…" Sam said, standing up and grabbing her duffle off the bed.

"Eh, come on, you know I'm just teasin ya!" Dean chuckled, jabbing her on the shoulder playfully. "He may have the hair, but the body parts are all wrong, right?"

"Definitely." Charlie agreed.

"Come on." Dean said, tilting his head toward the door. He waited for Charlie to leave the room, then cast a skeptical glance at Sam before following after. Sam was sure he was in for an earful after she left. He began dreading it as he said his goodbyes, anticipating the lecture as he told Charlie she was welcome to comeback at anytime. But it wasn't the only thing on his mind now. After bidding Charlie farewell, he went inside, giving the two of them their time alone. He hesitated for a moment, convinced that the trials were seriously messing with his head if he was even considering this. Then again…

He headed to the library, grabbing a peice of paper and a pen on his way and sat down. 'This is just stupid.' He thought to himself as he wrote down the words 'On the Head of a Pin'. He heard the bunker door open. Dean walked up, the look on his face telling Sam that it was time for his ass- chewing, so he decided to cut it off before it could start.

He clicked the pen closed and stood up, ready to defend his actions. "Okay, look you were right. I-I should laid low. I-I know." He said as Dean approached him."I should have hung back. I'm glad I was able.."

Then Dean grabbed him. Then Dean pulled him into a hug. It wasn't at all what he was expecting. He was lost, but relieved and hugged his brother back.

Dean chuckled and patted his back before pulling away. "What do you say we find our prophet?." Dean smiled, before smaking him in the chest and walking away.

Sam was left to himself, completely bewildered by what had just occurred. Dean had certainly not been acting like himself, but this was a whole new level. Maybe there was some truth to Charlie's words? Maybe he really was just scared? Maybe Sam really didn't know everything about his brother. Now, wasn't the time to think about that, though. Dean was right, the had to look for Kevin. They had work to do. Research.

But Dean had to sleep at some point. Maybe Sam could do a little light reading in that time.

If Charlie was right about Dean being scared for him, who knew what else she was right about?

[anastasiaskarsgard]

TO THE ANON THAT ASKED FOR A SMUTTY CHEATER BILL STORY HERE YA GO. I INITIALLY DELETED THE REQUEST BECAUSE I DONT CONDONE CHEATING BUT THEN I THOUGHT, ITS FAN FICTION. NO ONE TAKES IT SERIOUSLY AND IVE GOTTEN A FEW REQUESTS FOR THIS SO HERE YA GO.

Here’s part 1: https://anastasiaskarsgard.tumblr.com/post/188138288236/this-is-a-really-involved-request-so-im-breaking

And here is PART 2

Warning!!! Smut 18+ mature content.

As we pulled into the parking lot, everything hit me at once. I had literally witnessed my dog get murdered, the man I thought was perfect was Satan himself, I have no belongings, I don’t know anyone but Randi here. But then I remembered all the good like I was free, I’m not dead, I have the best friend in the whole world, I already found a job and got paid a lot for basically getting to be near the hottest guy ever and there’s photographic evidence, and literally the world is my oyster. I even get to go to Canada! Hayden Christensen lives there! I look over at Randi and can’t help but laugh when I see her sassy face. She is not a fan of feeling sorry for yourself. “Sorry, I’ll stop. They’re happy tears! I swear! I’m so happy I have you, and we’re going on this adventure. I’m just grateful.”

“Wow. Don’t cry Bitch. You’ll fuck up your make up.” my best friend joked.

I chuckled, and gave her a hug, then stood straight out of the car and let her lead the way to see if everyone had gotten a table together in Mortons.

We found everyone taking their seats. I took the closest open seat next to the photographer and Randi sat between Andy and Bill across from us. I didn’t want to look at Bill and have Randi give me shit, so I read the entire menu like 3 times to avoid looking up. We all ordered, and then Andy had the idea for everyone to introduce themselves:

“Ok since everyone is from all over the place, let’s do a fun little ice breaker. I’ll start. My name is Andy, I’m from the beautiful country of Argentina and I’m a Director as I’m sure you all know, let’s be more original, I know! Name your fear! I’m afraid of drowning.”

“My name is Randi, I’m from Kalamazoo Michigan, I’m an artist and I’m afraid of flying.”

“Ok hi everybody! I’m Bill, I’m from Stockholm Sweden, I’m a human and I’m afraid of being alone.”

I giggled like an idiot, froze and looked over at Randi, who was smiling at me, shaking her head. Dammit.

“My name is Barbara and I’m Andy’s sister, and I am afraid of creepy crawly things.”

“I’m Maria from Brazil, I am photographer and I fear bad lighting and flaky models. Thank goodness for Liv appearing like magic and save the day.” She smiled at me warmly and squeezed my hand.

I felt everyone’s eyes on me, and could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I couldn't bear to look at Bill or Randi, so I stared down in my lap and could feel my face heating up. “I’m Liv from Las Vegas, I guess I’m a model for now and I’m afraid of being a failure, velociraptors, roller coasters, centipedes and public speaking.” I chuckled uncomfortably. I ramble when I’m nervous.

“I’m afraid of velociraptors as well,” Bill laughed. “Jurassic Park ruined me as a child.”

Everyone laughed heartily at Bill’s expense but I felt appreciative of him making my ridiculous fear seem more credible and drawing attention away from my obvious nervousness. I snuck a peek at him and he winked at me playfully.

I didn't know what to think of this beautiful man. My initial reaction to him had been negative. He seemed like every other snobby Hollywood type, complete with crazy girl problems, but as the day progressed, he surprised me over and over with how genuine he seemed to be.

As lunch went on, Randi and Maria were talking technical terms, so Bill and I looked at each other and just smiled and shrugged our shoulders. It wasn't like we were being ignored, just everyone except us was wrapped up in their own conversations. I was content with that too, but then an ice cube flew into my cleavage.

My eyes shot open and I observed a very amused Bill trying to contain his laughter but not doing a very good job.

”I promise I’m not an asshole. I have just been trying to get your attention since we got here. So how long you been in LA?” He asked me like i was the most interesting thing he’d ever encountered.

”What time is it? Less than 24 hours.”

His eyes went wide and he choked on his drink a bit, then began to laugh at himself . ”wow, and you already booked a major job? Who is your agent? Are you an actress or just gorgeous... I mean a model.”

”you are super smooth Bill. I’m kidding! Don’t pout you’ll get wrinkles.” I had to give him some shit. “I don’t have an agent because I don’t have any interest in fame at all.”

He looked impressed by that for some reason. ”so what brought you here?”

”Randi is my best friend, and I needed a change of scenery.” I said making sure to avoid eye contact. I knew I was just being paranoid, but I felt like he could look into my soul, with the intensity he was looking at me with. I’m a terrible liar, so I’m convinced if I look at him, he’ll see I’m not being honest. I didn't want to mention the literal hell id escaped to be here.

I could still feel his gaze on me, and I caught Andy looking between us with an unreadable expression. He's a director so he probably can read people really well.

Shit. I’m probably just being my normal neurotic psycho self. No one probably gives two shits about me, and this is all in my head. These people are famous and successful. I’m just another one of the millions of girls that they encounter in LA.

Maria tapped my shoulder. “Hi honey, can you switch seats with your friend? I want to show some my work?”

I smiled and agreed, but the butterflies in my stomach were going crazy as I took my seat by Bill. He was texting so I got my phone out to play a game or two. Suddenly I felt Bill’s leg press up against mine. I looked over at him, but he just continued with his phone, but was clearly smirking. Just then The food arrived and I was famished, so all other thoughts were abandoned.

“Wow! You eat real food!” Andy exclaimed.

“Oh it’s not fair! Liv has always eaten whatever she wants and doesn’t gain a pound.” Randi whined.

I blushed feeling all the attention on myself again. I wanted to fade into my surroundings like a chameleon. “I like to eat.”

I looked at Bill and he was off his phone but I could tell he was watching me as he ate.

“What?” I asked finally, when he didn’t stop looking at me.

“You’re very interesting.” He said.

“How?” I scoffed.

“Well for starters you’re drop dead gorgeous but you don’t like being the center of attention. Am I right?”

“I wouldn’t go with drop dead gorgeous, maybe conventionally attractive. There’s not really anything wrong with me, but there’s nothing to write home to your mother about either.”

He chuckled. “See? There you go again. You’re humble and funny too.”

I could feel my face burning so I excused myself to go use the restroom, but Bill said he’d show me where it was since he needed to smoke and make some calls.

I was fully aware where it was, but agreed and figured I’d let him show me. He turned before we reached the bathroom and he opened a door that appeared to almost blend in to the wall, revealing a very plush, luxurious bathroom with a large vanity.

“Oh my gosh is this like the Secret VIP potty?” I asked. I had always heard about secret lounges and VIP cool stuff so I was ecstatic to actually see one. I probably seemed like such a dork but I didn’t care.

“Something like that.” He said following me inside and locking the door behind him. I turned around to tell him there only appeared to be one toilet, when he took a couple steps and closed the distance between us and kissed me, pinning me against the wall.

He pulled back and looked down into my eyes, “I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you.” He said deepening the kiss again.

I stepped aside to move out from under him and caught my breath. “Your girlfriend though!”

“It’s over with her. It’s been stale a long time” He said as he wrapped his arm around my waist. “Don’t worry, I'm sick of her. I much rather have you. Do you have a boyfriend?” He pulled me against him again and my God the man was so good looking.

“Nope. I’d have kicked you if I did, I’m not a cheater.” I couldn’t believe his lips were on me. I tried to think and get ahold of myself and be rational, but as he kissed down my neck and groped my breasts, it was getting hard to remember why this wasn’t the best idea ever.

“. Listen, you’re very attractive Bill. Like best looking guy I’ve ever seen attractive, and I’m flattered, but we should get back. They’re gonna wonder.”

“This dress is killing me though, and youre so so beautiful.” He groaned lustilly, as he slowly slid my dress’ strap down, continuing his way down, kissing down my throat to my chest. He exposes my breast and looks up to make sure I wasn’t going to object, but when I just bit my lip, he placed his mouth on my nipple, suckling at my breast. He releases it with a popping sound, and slips a hand under my skirt, rubbing me through my panties, as he sucksin a breath through his teeth, before going for my other breast. This motherfucker is gonna kill me. How can one man be so hot and what did I do in a past life to deserve this shit? Seriously universe? How do I carry on knowing his tongue was on my nipple?

He hiked my skirt up to brush his fingertips across my folds. He bit my bottom lip and then pulled his hand out from under my skirt, and sensually tasted his fingers before leading me to the large round cushioned ottoman at the vanity, trying to get me to sit.

“What are you up to? You’re - this is so bad.” I tell him as he pushes me down lightly as he kisses me passionatly.

He looked deep in my eyes. “Please let me taste you and make you feel good. I don’t expect anything from you and I don’t do this type of thing ever, but I’ve honestly never wanted to see what someone tastes like more in my life.”

FUCK. Who in the hell could say no to that?

All I could do is nod, too shocked to fully comprehend that this was really happening.

He got on his knees in front of me and I couldn’t help but admire his gorgeous features. As crazy as it sounds, he had the most beautiful bone structure; severe and angular, yet it was offset by his big green eyes with their long sweeping lashes, luscious plump full lips, and adorable perfect little child-like nose. His hair was silky and thick and he smelled like mint and soap.

I watched as he pulled my underwear off and placed them in his pocket, before leaning me back with one hand, as the other lifted my dress. He bit my inner thigh gently, but still sent a thrill up my spine causing me to visibly shudder.

“I haven’t even started yet,” he smirked up at me cockily, before pressing his mouth to my sex before I had time to reply. I’d had my pussy eaten before, but nothing like this. There was no sign of nervousness or insecurity that some men display when they go down there. Like you can tell they’re not sure what the fuck to do, but Bill was sure of himself and seemed to genuinely love doing it. He was so enthusiastic and it felt so amazing. I never had done something like this in my life, and wouldn’t even kiss on a first date, yet here I am. I was scandalized and aroused, and so close to an orgasm it was shocking.

“You gonna cum for me baby?. I love how you look right now.... Cum on my face.... please?” He pleaded and pushed another finger inside of me. I couldn’t look at him. It was all too much.

I let out a moan as he moved his fingers and tongue in such a combined effort, that I reached out and gripped his hair, pressing his face against me as my release crashed down on me, violently shaking me, and making everything go white, as it wound down. It was seriously one of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had, and it took me longer than a polite amount of time to realize I was still holding his face, and immediately released him”I’m so sorry, I didn't realize I- .”

“Sshhh.” He said chuckling and came up and kissed me deeply. “Can you taste yourself on me?”

I nodded shyly, looking away to break eye contact. He was so intense and I wasn’t sure what he would want me to do to return the favor.

He put his finger under my chin and pulled my face back over to look in his eyes. “You’re beautiful.”

I looked back at him, waiting to see what he did next. I was surprised he wasn't taking his pants off, but was too shy to try and take them off myself. I really wanted to though, and that surprised me. I wanted him to fuck me and wasn’t going to think about it, just do it. Like Nike.

He stood up and helped me to my feet, and helped smooth my dress out. He pulled me into another kiss and I could feel how excited he was.

“Let me make you feel nice now.” I mentally scolded myself for saying something so not sexy but just looked up at him with my best doe eyed look.

“You’re so cute. Don’t worry about me, just yet. I don’t want a quickie in a bathroom with you, I want like a bed and many. many. hours. I want to impress you.”

“I’m fucking impressed Bill.”

He chuckled and bit his lip, and you could see the wheels turning. “I really want to fuck you but I also don’t wanna be too long and full disclosure, Andy threatened serious bodily harm not to touch you. Said you’re a heartbreaking man eater.”

“Randi advised me to avoid you because you’re a foreign actor that’s too good looking for his own good. You’re obviously a monster.”

We both got a good laugh out of that.

“What’s your phone number?” He asked taking out his phone.

“I don’t currently have one. I need to get one. I lost mine yesterday.”

He looked at me incredulously. “If you don’t want to give me your number it’s ok.”

“No. Take Randi’s number, that’s the phone I was using earlier anyways, that way you can call, cuz I don’t have a pen or anything.”

“How about your email, and then you can send me your number when you get it. Randi might catch on if I call her phone.”

“You’re so smart! You’ll see me in a week on your new movie too.”

“Really? That’s the best news I got all day but if you think I’m waiting a week to be inside you, you’re insane. Now go, just say I went to smoke and make calls if they ask where I am. I’ll give it a couple minutes.”

I gave him my email and walked out the door to go try and act like the hottest fucking thing to ever happen in my life, didn’t just go down. When I turned the corner, I nearly threw up and cane to a screeching halt. I met eyes with the estranged exgirlfriend. I didn’t wanna seem weird so I smiled and sat down to finish my meal, since turning around and running the other direction might bad. I mean as far as I was concerned he was single, so I had no reason to feel guilty of anything. And I didn’t plan on admitting that happened to anyone, so not telling her was totally fine. She tapped on my arm and I cautiously turned to her.

“Did you see Bill by chance?” She asked politely.

“He said he was smoking and making some important calls when he left the table earlier.”

She laughed a little and rolled her eyes, “that man and his cigarettes! I blame Hemlock Grove for turning him into a chainsmoker. He’s probably smoked two or three in a row.”

“All this talk about smoking makes me want one, I’ll go find him. Excuse me ladies.” Andy said, as he quickly walked towards the exit to find Bill.

“He’s probably going to warn Bill that I’m here. We got in a fight earlier and he can be such a brat. Watch when he comes back, he’ll pretend like nothing happened.”

Maybe she didn’t realize he really was done with her. She had a funny accent so I assumed she’s Swedish too. He was probably her only friend out here so I couldn’t help but pity her.

“Between silent treatments and smoking, Bill would be dead by morning.” Randi said with a mischievous wink.

“Oh if you could see his hissy fits, they’re the worst!” She enthused. “Anything in his hands he’ll throw and if it’s something like a sandwich or drinks and won’t hurt you, he’ll throw it on you. But then if I try and ignore him, he’ll lay on me like a big dead weight until I speak.” His girlfriend said, laughing hysterically. Everyone joined in telling stories of past boyfriends that were grown men, having varying degrees of tantrums, but I just sat silently. My ex story wasn’t funny.

Andy and Bill came back and I could feel an anxiety attack creeping up on me.

I looked up and Bill was staring at me and I looked to Randi and she had a puzzled look on her face. In an effort to not give anything away to her, my eyes shot back up to Bill.

Bill looked furious. He seethed animosity and I just looked down at my plate to avoid that glare. I wasn't sure if I was the cause or she was, but I desperately wanted to run out of the place screaming and looked at Randi again pleading with my eyes to go. She seemed to catch on and I tried to keep it together.

His ex got up and rushed over to him. Just as I looked up, she planted a soft kiss on his cheek. My eyes narrowed involuntarily as he glanced over at me, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. His girlfriend grabbed his face and kissed him right on the lips.

I felt like I was going to throw up. Tears threatened to spill but I held them back as I stared at my lap. I kept seeing Bill’s eyes as he looked up at me from between my legs. Flashes of him pinning me to the wall, or oh my fucking god! My underwear are in his pocket!

My pussy is on his face too and he just kissed her.

He seemed so genuine, but he was an actor, what did I expect. Faking Feelings and emotions was how he paid the bills. I couldn’t believe how stupid and guillable I was! He probably got off on this shit. Poor woman. I was exaggerating when I’d said he was a monster but goddammit I was right!!!

”Ok thank you for inviting us and I can't wait to see whoever is going to join us in Toronto, but Liv and I must be off for an important appointment and then packing.” Randi said her goodbyes as I walked around the table and stood beside her, keeping my back to Bill.

”Bye everybody. I had fun” I said Sweetly and then I turned on my heel and walked past Bill without a glance.

”See you two in Toronto.” Bill called after us, and even though I refused to look at him, I could feel his eyes burning into my back as we walked away.

[cuteandtwisted]

Hi Wiss. I'm just here to talk. I don't get it. I don't fucking get it.. why am I still alive? Why am i still breathing? Why am i still on this fucking earth? Everyone hates me. I dont fit here. People tell me that im just a lazy person. For the longest time i knew it was depression but now im starting to believe them. Im just a lazy piece of shit. Even parents said they dont want me. Why am i still here? Why isnt death coming to me? Why are people who want to live dying instead of me?

(2) And no. I dont have a purpose in life. Im just a dead corspe lying around. I havent acheieved anything in life. Nobody loves me and never will. Not even my birth givers. They dont want me. It would be so better for them if i just died. They wpuld have such a better life. They wont have to waste money on me, they wont have to see me lying around like a lazy person all the time. They will be happier. So why am i not dead yet(3) The reason why im telling you this is because i have no one. No one. And because i like you. I spend losing myself into your fictions because thats the only place where people get happy endings. Real life is a constant pain and people like me dont get happy endings. I want to fucking die

Hello. First of all, i want you to know that there are people who can listen to you and help you if you’re currently feeling in distress or having thoughts about harming yourself. I don’t know where you are in the world, but please reach out to someone in your immediate environment or to a hotline specific to your location. There are many many resources online one click away and you can seek help if you’re feeling helpless my darling. I would post specific links but I wouldn’t want to upset you or perhaps trigger you further. But i will do so in the notes if you want to check them out.Second, I hear you and I can feel the pain and anger in your words. Your suffering is valid and you are not lazy. Depression can be crippling both mentally and physically. You are not “just lazy”. Don’t let those thoughts into your head. Don’t give in. You are stronger than you think.Life might seem a bit vain when we take a step back. Why are we alive? What makes us get up in the morning and do things? It all defers from one person to the next, but there’s no right or absolute answer. There’s no magic formula. We put so much pressure on ourselves to have’ oals and aspirations and forget to live.I can’t claim to know what it feels like to be unloved by my family, although I doubt your parents would wish death upon you my dear. No one, absolutely NO ONE would be happy if you died, believe me. I fight with my parents like any other person but they are part of why I wake up every morning and do what I do. It’s true. Hurting myself would absolutely destroy them. But it’s not the sole reason I value my life. This year, for the first time ever, I sent an e-mail asking for a day off upon waking up. Why? Because I had absolutely no will to get up. None whatsoever. I questioned everything. Why do I bother? Why am I here? What the hell? It was so refreshing to just allow myself to bask in my misery and aimlessness for a whole day. The achievement of desire, and essay by Richard Rodriguez might resonate with you.As I look at my own life, I realize that I’m rather successful but I don’t really love what I do. It’s not something that makes me want to get up in the morning. I haven’t found love, my heart being too worn out to give anyone a shot. But I chose to not make either of those things a “goal” or a reason for me to get up in the morning. Because when you put so much emphasis on things that are a bit out of your own control, you set yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak. And losing sight of why you get up in the morning can become so incredibly easy.So why should you live? I don’t know. Maybe because the sun rises in the morning? Maybe because darkness and twilight eventually fade and make room for simple light? It can be a slippery slope, as I often feel down when it’s grey outside or when days are shorter – downside of making your life and happiness literally revolve around the sun. You could live because of how good coffee smells in the morning, or tea, or anything you really enjoy smelling. You could live because you’re looking forward to a TV show or a movie of a book. You could live because – in my case – life keeps throwing you lemons and you really want to make lemonade and prove it wrong. You could live because you set yourself small short-term goals – go to the supermarket this week, get a haircut, write 500 words, do the dishes, walk for an hour – and you thrive off of crossing them off your list. Goals can me motivating but also absolutely disheartening when you focus on abstract things such as “happiness”, “success”, “love”, “being liked”. This is why so many of us are struggling to be happy nowadays, because we put too much pressure on ourselves to feel happy and grand all the time. We don’t have to. We should be allowed to spend a weekend alone and cry for absolutely no reason.I’m rambling here but I want you to know that I hear you. Your pain is valid and it is not laziness. Start small then grow big when you feel comfortable. Your purpose in life doesn’t have to be “be successful” for now. It could just be “take a walk and clear my mind”.Good luck to you my dear. And feel free to come off anon if you just want to let it off your chest. Sometimes it’s just cathartic to put all of it into words, with names and places and details and a shit ton of feelings. Big hugs to you.