#Hopefully I get my stupid probably made in China because fucking everything is made in China and there's no way to avoid it adapters soon.

[averbaldumpingground]

On the stoop, she’s still wearing her prom dress. It’s after eight and it’s dark. Through the window in the living room, she can see her brother crouched over his homework, doing his best not to watch her get soaked in the rain. Her mother, she knows, is just inside in the hallway. But Jake told her he’d be there to take her. Not that she could go like this now, not with her mascara running. She can’t see any headlights on the road even standing up on her tiptoes in the driveway. Jake called and swore that he’d be there. She really wanted to go.

[plaidbooks]

SFW Alphabet - Mike Dodds

A/N: Hey y’all! This was requested by @caracalwithchips​! I forgot how fun these are--I know Mike a little better now than when I did the NSFW version, so a lot of these headcanons I’ve had in my brain. Hope you all enjoy <3

Holy fuck, how did I never notice that none of these have an S?? It took Tumblr breaking this post for me to realize.... Oh my god?!

Taglist: @witches-unruly-heart​  @beccabarba​ @thatesqcrush​ @itsjustmyfantasyroom​ @permanentlydizzy​  @ben-c-group-therapy​ @infiniteoddball​ @glowingmess​ @whimsicallymad​ @lv7867​  @storiesofsvu​ @cycat4077​ @alwaysachorusgirl​ @glimmerglittergirl​ @joanofarkansass​ @redlipstickandblacktea @caracalwithchips​ @berniesilvas​​  @averyhotchner​ @qvid-pro-qvo​

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?) While out in public, Mike will stand close enough that he’s brushing against you. Depending on what’s determined “okay” in social situations, he may have his hand on your arm or around your waist (like at a gala). When he can’t touch you, though, he’s giving you long, emotionally charged looks.When you’re both home, however, Mike is all over you. He has you pulled against him on the couch, holding you to his chest, fingers playing in your hair. Or he positions you so that he can gently massage your neck. He makes up for all the time he couldn’t touch you in public.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?) You probably met at work, or in the gym (or on a jog). Mike is incredibly kind and will listen to you rant about something stupid happening in your life. But he will crack jokes about it until your problems seem so much smaller than you first thought they were. He’s also one to take you out to go do something fun after a rough day, if you need it.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)Boy does he! That broad chest and big arms are made to cuddle! His favorite position is on his back, with you curled against his side, head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. But after rough days, he needs something—or someone—to hold onto. Days like that, he’ll be on his side, snuggling into you, his face pressed against you (whether your back or chest).

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?) Mike wants to settle down, but with someone he chose, not his father (but he also needs his father to at least like you). He’s on a self-made diet, and will cook things low in fat and high on protein. Thankfully, he has a way to season it, so it tastes good. He’s a relatively clean guy, but he’ll do things like vacuum and dishes on the weekends/days off.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) In person for sure. He’ll come to your place—out in public is too…public. He doesn’t want to embarrass you (or hurt his family’s reputation). He’ll tell you why it’s not working out and be civil about it.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?) Mike’s in no hurry to get married. He wants to know that you’re the one for him before he’ll even entertain the thought of proposing. You need to be able to not only deal with his work and his workout regiment, but also with his family—especially his father. He knows that William will make snide comments directed at you, and while Mike will do his best to defend you, he also can’t go against his father.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?) Mike is a teddy bear! He’s incredibly gentle, sometimes too much so. He has a big, strong body, and he’s accidentally hurt too many people in his life, especially in childhood. When you first get together, his touch is feather-light. At first, you thought it was something about you, that he was treating you like a china doll. But after talking to him about it, you learned that he thinks light and easy is better than accidentally hurting someone he cares about.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?) Outside of emergency reasons (hostage situations or long stints out of the city), then Mike doesn’t really hug in public. You may get a side hug or something if you’re far in your relationship, and maybe a quick peck. Once home, though, he gives you massive bear hugs (he won’t squeeze tight, not unless you give him the okay).

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?) Definitely not on the first date. Probably a few months into a relationship. He’s not afraid of love or anything, but he’s a busy man and he wants to be sure you’re sticking around before he’ll drop the word.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?) Mike isn’t a jealous type. But, like most SVU detectives, he’s wary of other men. He’s protective to a point—he’s not possessive and he trusts you completely—and will definitely stick around you if he notices too many eyes in your direction. He also teaches you basic self-defense, just in case he’s not there.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) Again, out in public, it’s a quick peck on the lips or cheek—maybe a kiss to the back of your hand. Behind closed doors, however, Mike loves kissing you. He’s the master of slow, deep kisses, memorizing each other’s mouths while your lungs burn for air. Outside of your lips, he likes kissing your forehead or the top of your head; it’s intimate and sweet. But he loves loves loves when you kiss his jaw down to his chest. Any marks you leave, he can blame on sparring.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?) Mike’s super sweet around kids! You know that Big Brother program—where only children get to hang out with an “older sibling” (usually volunteer college students)? Mike is that kinda guy! He knows how to connect with children, especially little boys. And they love him!

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?) Mike’s up early taking a jog and hitting the gym. You usually catch him after he comes home (unless you join him). By the time he’s out of the shower, you have a protein shake for him and one of the breakfasts he showed you how to make (the shake is for the day, the breakfast for now). You usually get an hour to chat and catch up before he’s giving you a kiss and heading out the door.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?) He usually comes home late—he is second in command (first, once he’s transferred from SVU). If you’re still awake, you’ll catch up on the day, chatting into the night. You know once he’s in bed, he’ll be out like a light, so you sit on the couch and talk. But he’ll eventually get that glazed look in his eyes, and you’ll have to convince him to go to bed, no matter how much he insists on wanting to talk to you.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?) It’s not that he reveals things about himself on purpose, but you’ll start to notice little things (like how soft his touch is). When asked about these things, he’ll sit you down and tell you…if he knows the answer, that is. Somethings, he doesn’t know why he does them; it was just something to survive as a kid that he never really thought about.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?) Angered isn’t the correct word; Mike gets frustrated. It mostly is things about work, but you learn that he has a shorter fuse every now and again. He’ll never admit that it’s stress from his father, instead blaming the cases he’s working on. But you know the signs.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?) Depends on when you tell him. If he has a lot on his plate, his mind turning, he’s more likely to forget something. He knows the basics (birthday, allergies, favorite color), but things like an ongoing issue at work, you may have to remind him of the details.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?) It was before you moved in together; the first night he stayed at your place. A little girl had been kidnapped, and the squad found her body the next day. Mike was on the scene, and it hit him hard; it was the first child case he had in SVU. He was really broken up about it and he asked if he could come over. You, of course, accepted, and Mike flew to your place. It was a) the first time he told you details about his job and b) the first time you saw him cry. You calmed him down and hugged him throughout the night, running your fingers through his hair as he slept, his head on your chest. He thanked you for that, but he never told you just how much he appreciated it.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?) Mike’s afraid that he’s not around enough. As such, his dates are incredible. He’s also the type to leave you little trinkets; either something useful, or something that reminded him of you. And if you’ve been cleaning and doing all the chores, then he’ll wake up super early on his day off and do everything before you get a chance to. He’ll call it a spa day for you, and while he’s waiting for something (laundry or food or what have you), he’ll massage you or rub lotion into your skin for you.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?) Hopefully you like chores, because Mike doesn’t do them often. He works so much and is on call on his days off. It’s not like he doesn’t want to help around the house, but if you had a dollar for every time Mike got called away while he was halfway done with something, you could afford a bigger house.He also will do anything his father asks, whether it’s in Mike’s best interest or not.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?) Very concerned—he has a reputation to keep. Even on his days off, he’s in nice slacks and a nice shirt. The only time you see him “off” is when he announces he’s not leaving the house. He’ll be in sweats and a tight shirt on the couch (unless he’s called in, and he has to quickly change).

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?) Once you own his heart, he can’t imagine life without you. Sure, he can remain polite at galas you couldn’t make it to, but inside, he’s missing you. It’s just not the same without you by his side, to make fun of all the pompous people around you. He definitely has a well-worn picture of you in his wallet that he’ll look at if he’s stuck at work super late.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.) Mike knows his father is overbearing, but he doesn’t know what William does to him. He grew up with his father’s expectations weighing down on him, so it’s all “normal” in his mind. You’ve tried talking to him before about it, but Mike will brush it off as “that’s just dad being dad.” It kind of makes meeting up with William weird, because you want to tell him off. You can see how he berates Mike, and you now understand why Mike likes to be praised so much; he obviously didn’t get it as a child.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?) Anyone that can embarrass him/his family. You need to be able to fit into the high social circles (whether you’re in them or not). You need to be eloquent and polite, ready to bite your tongue when someone says something incredibly sexist at an event (at least until you learn how to clapback without drawing attention to yourself).

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?) Ever since he was in the Army, Mike normally sleeps on his back. The only time he doesn’t is if one or both of you need the cuddles. It took you a while to get used to laying on his chest—it’s much higher than your old pillow, and it takes some adjusting. Otherwise, Mike is quick to sleep, his arm around you.

[kimmyyang]

My views on ‘The Untamed 陈情令’

I never thought I would write a review on a drama although I have watched a lot of dramas of different genres for about 15/16 years. There is something about ‘The Untamed’ that made me want to write a review or at least write out my feelings. I’m not going to write too deep and get into all the details. But I guess this could be a way for me to get out of this trap or try to get it off my chest. 

I’m not a fan of the original novel (well, not yet) as I don’t like reading so I haven’t read it yet. However, I have decided to read it as I have finished the drama and couldn’t get over it no matter how much I want to escape from it. 

Trust me, I don’t usually get THIS attached to a drama or any characters, I mean yeah, the casts are handsome and all, but I stayed for the plot and the characters, not just the good looks of those actors. Especially if it’s 50 episodes long, I wouldn’t stay for someone’s visuals like I ain’t got time for that – I can just watch the cuts of that actor lol. I’m quite picky because I have seen A LOT of dramas, if I watch 2 episodes and it bores me then bye and I don't like long dramas. But after the 50 episodes, I felt so empty like I wanted more??? I know that's normal since I have experienced that before but this time was slightly different.

I personally think everyone portrayed their characters very well, despite most of them are young actors/ actresses. I usually skip or play supporting characters’ parts in 1.5 speed if they’re not as interesting as the main characters. But they kept me riveted throughout the entire drama, I didn’t skip one bit. Most characters hit me at some point during the drama, and I loved it (while shedding buckets of tears haha). 

Apart from WWX and LWJ, my FAVORITE character is Jiang Yan Li - notice how I capitalized the word and it's in bold, that’s how much I loved her. She’s the best shijie/ sister that anyone could ask for. I feel like she’s WWX’s half mother, she takes care of him. She is a gentle and polite woman. She isn’t powerful in the Cultivation World (she mainly just focused on cooking tbh lol it's cute tho) but she doesn’t hesitate to protect WWX. She stood up for him even in front of her future mother-in-law, she trusted him until the end even when everyone went against him, and when her parents got killed, she didn’t blame him (it wasn’t his fault anyway) and eventually sacrificed her life for him. Her death was just so tragic like I was bawling my eyes out, she didn’t deserve it, she really didn’t. She was just a simple girl that wanted the best for her family. But she is the last straw that broke the camel’s back aka WWX, if she didn’t die for him, he probably wouldn’t get out of control. It was so cruel to WWX but I kind of understand why the author did it. 

I also enjoyed the cinematography, scenery and OST, all of it was so astounding. Even the name of the locations were beautiful like 云深不知处 – it sounds so poetic. I loved how each sect had their own colors which reflected their characteristics in the Cultivation World. The characters also had their own OST, my favorite ones are Wen Ning’s & Jiang Yan Li’s songs – it still hurts when I listen to them, and I nearly cried few times (yes, I have a soft spot for Wen Ning, too.) I want to add that Jiang Yan Li & Jin Zi Xuan's song hurts a lot as well, the lyrics are like a fucking knife stabbing me in the chest. I thought I was strong enough to watch the MV, but I couldn't control my tears gdi. You know when you're cutting onions and tears just streaming down your face, that's what happened to me - except there were no onions.  *I was a fan of the singer when I was younger so watching him singing the song on the stage also took me back to the old days ah~ This song gave me double feels lol ;~; 

A part of me regrets that I didn’t watch it last year but a part of me is thankful that I finally got to watch it this year. It was already a hot topic before it even aired in China, so of course I have heard about it and I know briefly what it is based on. But I didn’t want to jump on the bandwagon and be like I’m a huge fan of the drama just because it’s popular (it’s hard to explain but I’m quite stubborn sometimes lol). Many said that you wouldn’t understand the story or the little details in the drama if you haven’t read the novel (I watched the animation before the drama, so I know a bit of the story). I don’t like reading anyway so I didn’t bother with it. Also, the genre of the novel isn’t something that I would read so that’s another reason why I left it. I’m not against any type of love, I just feel a bit iffy about reading it, which is kind of stupid now that I think about it lol. Another reason is that I don’t like depressing dramas, I used to watch a lot of those in my younger days, most of the plots are quite cliche. Although 'The Untamed' is sad, there were sweet, happy moments and it has a happy ending, so I loved it.

A lot of people didn’t like the ending, but I think it was a good ending. I mean they can’t really do much as they have to pass the censorship. My interpretation of the ending is that LWJ went to sort out everything in the Cultivation World so that he could be with (or protect) WWX later. He found WWX (maybe a few years) later and called WWX’s name. In that scene, WWX’s black outfit is different to when they parted, so it can’t be LWJ came back to WWX right after they went separate ways – that would very irresponsible to do since he is the Chief Cultivator. It’s an open-ended ending, so it’s up to the audience’s imagination, you can interpret it however you like. The camera didn’t show LWJ at the end so it could also be WWX imagined that LWJ called his name. But I believe that they got together, you can just tell just by looking at WWX’s facial expressions. It isn’t that difficult to figure it out, the novel has a happy ending so yeah. I also read it somewhere that when LWJ went to meet up with WWX, he also changed his outfit but apparently that part didn't pass the censorship (wtf?) so maybe that's why they didn't show LWJ at the end. 

I guess the good thing is that I can’t get all the related merch, if I watched it last year, I would definitely ask one of my relatives to buy and send everything over for me lmao goodbye my money. But I would buy the physical novel when I get the chance. If a drama left a big impact on me, I would buy the novel (if it has one of course).

I think I need a long cool-off period after this drama, I don’t want to watch anything else except their bts, interviews (even supporting actors’ interviews, I usually don’t watch those), crack videos lol, variety shows, fan meeting – basically everything that I can find, I don't think I have watched everything though. When I watched a cut of the cast saying goodbye to their characters on the fan meeting, I cried again (ffs just get over it). It’s definitely one of the best dramas I’ve ever watched and would definitely recommend to those who likes Chinese dramas. Not that anyone cares, but I would rate it 9/10 (if shijie was alive, I would give another 0.5 lol). I don’t know how good the subtitles are, but I did see some odd bits here and there (I watched it without the English subtitles). Sometimes it’s really hard to translate Chinese especially when it’s a xianxia drama – making it even more difficult. Anyway, if I get to finish reading the novel, I might write my views on the novel if I can be bothered lol – I’m a very lazy person XD

I kind of want to write another post just about WWX and LWJ, and how good Xiao Zhan & Yibo’s acting skills were. Basically, complimenting them for 2 pages haha. Ngl, I did fell for Xiao Zhan. I might watch it again just to focus on them a bit more. From the interviews I have seen, Xiao Zhan seems like a very humble, kind, genuine person – you can just tell from his eyes. He’s definitely a treasure boy (硬翻'宝藏男孩'). I don’t think I need to say much about Yibo, he’s super talented, I was already a fan of UNIQ when they were active. The character really suited Yibo and he did a great job portraying LWJ.

Anyway, it’s time for me to say goodbye to 'The Untamed', I don’t know how long I will feel attached to this drama but hopefully there’s another masterpiece that could help me to get over it.

忘羡一曲远，曲终人不散。

[crazyperfectsense]

4/30/20/1

god April was 5 minutes long and I’m going to spend all 5 of them writing this post

this is honestly probably far too personal to put into the public of the internet, and perhaps I’ll take it down before anyone really sees it, but Tumblr is comforting because it is almost a graveyard and the people who remain (who I see in fleeting posts in passing, hi) I trust (or just will not see this because they do not care or the algorithm does not favor long text posts), whereas Facebook is horrifying and Instagram is worse, and this is likely going to be too long to hold anyone’s attention for the whole thing, but I also want to get some notes down for whenever I finally get to talk to my therapist again, so here we go

I woke up at 6:30am naturally (horrifying!), leapt out of bed because I realized how much work I had to do (hate when a nap turns into just...sleep!), and got a text from my dad 15 minutes later that my maternal grandfather was in critical condition, and somehow still managed to do work for the next six hours out of necessity

it briefly brought back flashbacks to 2012, where my dad didn’t tell me for a week that his father died because I had finals my first semester of college, but told me right after he picked me up as we were driving across campus to pick up a friend that we were taking back home, so I had about 3 minutes to compose myself before a 2 hour car ride (horrifying!)

my grandfather died around 1pm, and I had the truly unique (horrifying! ! ! !) experience of finding out via text while I was on a Zoom call as the TA, where I was the only person sharing video other than the professor (my advisor!), and I had to keep my composure while simultaneously finishing creating the homework that I was behind on making while also trying to figure out what to respond to this text notification of mortality, because I don’t know how to say any sort of condolence really in Chinese, but my dad was handling communications and just texting in English anyway — and I don’t know, it’s the kind of thing where I probably could’ve ditched the call and made excuses later, but the effort to preserve even the slightest tinge of normalcy in this moment seemed right, and I did my very best (and succeeded!) to not spontaneously burst into tears on camera, even though I did about 0.03 seconds after I hung up

an aside: thank god that my advisor was sharing screen and people were hopefully focused on him / in speaker mode or something, because my neutral face is....poor! not entirely sure because I avoided making eye contact with my virtual self aside from brief checks to make sure that I was still alive, still functioning as I flickered from screen to screen across my two monitors

I had a meeting scheduled with my advisor afterwards, and he was all ready to move into it, but was so extremely understanding the second he saw my message I had sent 50 min earlier that was effectively “can we push this back a bit because my grandfather died and I need to call my fam lol” and suggested (as any normal person with emotions would) that I take the time to formally postpone and regroup if needed (needed!) rather than just pushing back a half hour or so like I naively thought would work

I had to desperately cry for about 20 minutes (horrifying!) before I felt ready to call my family, even so 

I hate hearing my mom sad! it’s the fucking worst! but it was a relief for 2 seconds to exist over a phone line with someone who also couldn’t talk straight without needing to take a few gasping breaths

another aside: i didn’t write about this in February because, well, everything was on fire in my life already, so briefly: my mom was supposed to be in China through mid-March, having gone there in October. things obviously went to shit, given *gestures at COVID-19 and the world*, and we booked her an early return flight, given that the senior living facility my grandparents were in had already closed to visitors out of precaution. my brother, dad, and I collectively freaked the fuck out (my brother started crying in the middle of class and had to leave, I barely held it together in mine but paid negative attention) when flights back from China started getting cancelled (and for those like, terrifying few hours where Trump was going to ban foreign nationals since my mom’s not a citizen and they didn’t make it clear that immediate family of US citizens were fine), but we somehow made it happen

so, back to the phone call: I just let her talk and she had so many regrets about leaving China when she did, and it just made me feel like the shittiest person for wanting her back home in America when it deprived her of the chance to see her dad one more time. my uncle and mom luckily got to take my grandparents out of the senior home for one night to celebrate Chinese New Year the day before the facility closed to visitors, so they had one last dinner together as a family but thinking about the what ifs makes me want to cry all over again. my mom just kept saying how she wished she could’ve done more, how she wished they had gone to the hospital earlier for a check-up, and the most I could helplessly contribute was “coronavirus concerns were already rampant and it could have been even worse, given airborne contagion,” even if I said as many other things as I could, about how dialysis was painful as hell and my grandfather, the former doctor, said he didn’t even want to be in the ICU at the end years before his passing

I learned what the Chinese words were for “depression” today, when my mom said my grandfather said he had it and they had gotten him some medication for it a few months ago, and I was so stunned that it was “depression” and not some strange disease I was unfamiliar with that I couldn’t say anything for 30 seconds, and I can’t really write more on this point because I will just start crying, but perhaps I should really think about how aging research is largely focused on non-Asian populations and how perhaps, I’m uniquely equipped to contribute a bit to the field here (but, that is true for so many things, and I am tired!)

my grandfather was great. he was quiet, but stubborn as hell. he was a doctor, and he loved routine. he cared so, fucking, much about me and my brother. he always insisted on taking my brother and me on walks to the same few places that he liked to visit — I remember visiting this community center that had a ping pong table — and him going out of his way to find me internet access, since my grandparents’ apartment didn’t have it for most of the years I visited. he loved taking me and my brother to KFC, because he thought it was the height of Americanized cuisine in China, and was so proud of how much better it was than American KFC (which he hadn’t had, but he knew, and he was right. we would eat every single bite of a two-piece meal each. even the ketchup was better). he once cut out a newspaper clipping ranking UT as the #2 college on this huge list of colleges (I think it was referring to research endowments, but anyway) and saved it to show me almost a year later. he told me in 2013 that he would probably live to see me finish college, and he lived to see me two years into grad school, dying when I was halfway through year three. he was 89. I loved him so much, even if we didn’t get to talk much at all.

I’m so mad at all these fucking people who, in the land of the free and the home of the so-called brave, are being idiots in this time and not social distancing. I’m so mad at every single friend who posts a large or small gathering to their story, at everyone who is so thirsty for social connection that they’re willing to put everyone they’re in close contact with at risk to hang out with another person for just a few hours (horrifying!). humans are social creatures who need engagement and connection to live — having written 22 pages about health and social relationships across 12 hours a few weeks ago, I understand this point so saliently that it’s painful. but seeing such....levity when my mom is crying over not being able to even go back to China to properly say goodbye because they won’t admit anyone from the US (and the US has banned travel to China, like that was necessary in this xenophobic environment) makes me want to punch a wall. suck it up! call your friends over Zoom or FaceTime like the goddamn rest of us!

grief is so strange, and grief is encapsulated in every molecule of this new normal — the strangeness of missing the life that once was, even if the past wasn’t something that I thought I’d miss. I remember feeling so, so guilty for traveling twice in February because of the studying for comps that I should’ve been doing, and now I marvel at my foresight. (and have so many regrets for the people who I told “I’ll see you in April when I’m back after comps are done!!”

I’m in this weird spot where I feel like I’m screaming at the people around me to care, and all of them are too busy with different social ties, and I’m watching my connections wilt and fray because everyone thinks I’m so stable and put-together (or boring and shy?)

an example: I was left off of a reunion Zoom call with some people I worked with in college that was widely talked about on social media regarding “love having shared all this time with these strong women” and all, and it felt very, idk, selfish and whiny (horrifying) to be like “how can you call this feminism when I, a real woman, am being left out of this call”! the following exchange, about the above, happened with in a group chat with a very blunt friend:

D: “Also, how does it feel to be left out of that [organization] Women zoom call, Amy?” another aside: (this....was a stupid question. but we’ll allow it, because boys will be boys.) me: “lol it honestly hurt my feelings but it's not like they weren't cliquey from the very beginning ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ to be expected I suppose” D: “Yeah when I saw that I was like “Why didn’t include Amy, she was there at the same time as they were”” me: “LOL thanks for thinking of me 🥺 they clearly did not”

(the other friend staying quiet, because it was tangibly awkward, even if I tried to play it chill, but my feelings remain hurt) perhaps if I cared more, or wanted to try and make people feel bad, I would’ve replied to a story with “tfti”, or laughed, or heart-reacted, or something “casual” that still implicates “where was my invite”, but....is it even worth investing the hurt and care and time when I’m not even sure it would spark embarrassment on their end? because perhaps they intentionally just do not...care about me and my feelings? at all? (horrifying?)

(I already know this to be true, even if the snub was unintentional, but I needed to muse about it anyway)

another aside: I still talk with plenty of people from this organization who I am MUCH closer with, and I shouldn’t feel snubbed to be snubbed by people who I never felt too close with in the first place! (and yet! horrifying!)

sent an extremely passive aggressive message earlier and yet, K tells me that the people in the chat might not even read it as passive aggressive! (horrifying!)

god. I don’t know! I feel so much sadness and anger, and yet still have a few hours of work to do tonight. it’s wild that even today, where my heart just hurts every few seconds if I think too hard, I still have my mind centered in needing to be productive and not lazy because I’ve already spent too much time procrastinating on my work (horrifying!). but the work is about Asian American collective action / media production, and I feel good about it, and I’m working with some badass Asian women, and I really hope it lands in this flagship journal, because that would be a win, and I kind of just need one! 

oh if it’s not clear I finished comps and I don’t know if I passed yet but they’re done so...that’s something

also whoever fucking looked at Chicago style citations and thought “oh hmm, let’s make another type of Chicago style that is DIFFERENT and call it Chicago style documentation” is the literal fucking devil

ok this is enough for now bye. god this was long. (horrifying!!!!!!)

[razberryyum]

Positive Things about Guardian as a series (spoilers)

So I’ve been pretty harsh about the production team behind Guardian (writers, directors, set designers, wardrobe, the crew…including the extras…basically anyone who are not Bai Yu, Zhu Yilong, the actors who played Old Chu, Little Guo and Zhu Hong, who are Jiang Ming Yang, Xin Peng and  Gao Yu Er, respectively) and about the quality of the show as a whole when it doesn’t involve our main characters/leads, and I’ve actually been feeling bad about that now that the initial sense of shock has worn off a little. As a result, I woke up this morning and decided to make a list of all things that are GOOD about the show. Now, I am still hurting about how it ended and the things that went wrong which imho could have easily NOT (f.e. the 10,000 years dirt nap), but…BUT I will try my best NOT to let that negativity seep into this. 

So here goes, in no particular order, the positive things about the show:

- the show even exists. I mean, really, God bless, especially considering where it’s made. How did that even happen?? Despite all my bitching, I still marvel (almost DAILY so far) at the fact that Guardian exists and I got to watch it cuz China could’ve easily never put it back online. 

- the existence of Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan. But that’s pretty much a given. Especially since my life is forever changed because of them.

- every Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan scene together. That’s a given also. I would not be surprised if the writers literally used all their meager talent and energy on constructing those moments so that’s why they didn’t have much juice left for everything else. I mean, that’s a good thing, right? Kinda.

- they got Bai Yu and Zhu Yilong to play Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei. I really hope the two actors got compensated well for their performances, though somehow I doubt it, especially since, from what I understand ZYL (omg I just stupidly realized the acronym for his name is the same as Zhao Yunlan’s. Wtf that is so cute!) was still very slowly rising in the ranks. But hopefully their current popularity as a result of the show has made up for it.

- the score and songs. Bought the OST from iTunes like one or two episodes in, loved the score and themes. I even bought Bai Yu and Zhu Yilong’s duet “Time of Flight” a few times (different platforms, different devices) cuz I just wanted to contribute to them…even though…who knows if they even see a cent from it, and pretty sure my few measly dollars probably isn’t helping anything. Probably just makes me seem stupid and insane. 

- the cute episode titles. Which I wasn’t even aware of until @avenuex123 pointed it out. Adorable.

- the censorship. Ok, censorship is never good imo, but in this singular case, perhaps because there were existing restrictions on the BL subject matter, the actors therefore were willing to sign on since they knew they didn’t have to do anything explicit (or maybe they would’ve been willing, this is just my own stupid assumption because of how Chinese society is…I say that as an Asian American with many…erm…”old-fashioned” friends and family members) AND they probably saw it as challenge to find creative ways to convey the nature of the characters while working within the confines of censorship laws. Although, this might be a case of me just trying to look on the bright side.

- the easter eggs. I agree with fellow Guardian fans who have pointed out that there was some love put into the making of this show, which is clearly exemplified in the small momentos scattered throughout the series. 

- the time travel concept. Not that the delve into the past was done well because I did have problems with it, but I did really appreciate the fact that Zhao Yunlan was the one and only all along due to his being sucked up into the wormhole and spit back out 10,000 years in the past to meet Shen Wei for the first time. I thought it was a tremendously romantic idea…even if the general execution of the past left a lot to be desired. I promised that I wouldn’t be negative, but I still have to say that while love at first sight is a lovely notion, it was still a bit hard to swallow that SW would fall SOOOO head over heels with ZYL after just conversing with him for like a few hours, to the point that he would pine for him for 10,000 years (though it’s probably technically more like a few decades due to his dirt nap, but I’ll buy it felt like 10K years to him). I just wish ZYL spent more time in the past with SW, and actually @xparrot‘s fic (”Now Lie In It" on AO3) made me feel a LOT better about the whole thing since they successfully fixed the problem by awesomely separating each scene we saw into days and years. But I did like the time travel idea; it was cool, even though it’s different from the novel.

- the nature of the necklace. I really liked the candy wrapper core. Broke my heart into bits and pieces in a GOOD way. Really loved everything about it. I understand it’s different in the novel as well, but in the context of the changes done for the show, I thought that was a pretty brilliant move. 

-  the Da Qing and ZYL ownership scene in episode 35 with SW listening. Loved that scene and the multiple purposes it was serving: establishing Da Qing’s relationship with ZYL, giving voice to how SW was feeling about ZYL leaving,   inspiring SW with the necklace idea, and then of course, the censorship workaround because it was like very homo while being nohomo at the same time. 

- SW and ZYL’s wardrobe. Probably a given since the fact that I love them means I love everything about them, but, like, SW even looked good as the Black Cloak Envoy and ZYL as Kunlun and those outfits (and their hairstyles) could’ve gone wrong so easily…thank God no one thought it was a good idea to make them wear a stupid looking afro wig or feathers on their heads.

- Old Chu/Little Guo. They were adorable, my second OTP from the show, and I was seriously jealous of all the PDA they were getting away with.

- recurring characters. Even though some of their acting abilities were highly questionable, I did appreciate how certain characters introduced in the beginning of the show would pop up again later on. I’m sure a good part of that was to save on hiring more people, but I still thought it was neat. For example, I wasn’t too fond of the merit brush dude (cuz his story was dumb and draggy), but I did like how this innocuous store owner that was little more than a background character at the start eventually became one of the villains. 

-  Ye Zun. He’s so CUTE. I mean, ok, Zhu Yilong playing him helped, but just seriously, his character is so fucked up and misguided and emo and adorable that I just wanted to give him a big hug all the time. When that shitty cockatoo he calls “Boss”** started smacking him around, I wanted to reach into the screen and throttle that ugly POS. I wouldn’t even be surprised if that asshole more than physically abused Ye Zun. Anyway, I just felt bad for the little puppy. I wish we got to spend more time with him and that he got redeemed earlier so that he could enjoy some love and hugs before being led into the wormhole (or…wherever it was that his big bro was heading off with him…wait, would it be the wormhole? But they died, right? So technically it should be like the reincarnation hole?) **(btw, why “Boss”? Why not “Leader”? Are the head villains paying their henchmen to follow them? So weird that they call their leaders “boss” which would imply they’re being paid wages which I truly doubt is the case)

- Da Qing. He’s a cutie too. Really wish the kitty girl had lived so that he wouldn’t be all alone, now that ZYL is gone. I guess Tech boy Lin Jing is going to take care of him now?  

- Zhu Hong. When she wasn’t inexplicably screaming her dialogue, I did like her…but a huge part of that is probably because I remember the actress from Yanxi Palace (she was playing a small villainous role but she did a good job) and I felt sorry for her. Putting the unrequited love aside, it must also be tough seeing ZYL now and yet knowing that’s not even the same guy she loves at all. Damn, that actually must be so unsettling for everyone who knew the old ZYL. 

-  the personality swap episode (ep 25). THAT was freaking adorable. Just wish it lasted longer and that eventually it affected SW and ZYL. Although, since they already eye-fuck each other like 99% of the time, what would be different? I guess SW would be a little looser…and ZYL would be a bit more sad and pining-er? (Btw, I literally never heard of the word “microexpressions” until Zhu Yilong entered my life). Omg, an image of them switching outfits just popped into my head. Oh shit, that would’ve been FUN to see. Dammit.

That’s all I could come up with for now…I’ll probably add more as I think of more things. Please feel free to contribute if you think of positive things I’ve left out. I might not agree but I’d still love to hear them.

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2010s: 75 - 71

75. Valentina Monetta - “Crisalide (Vola)” San Marino 2013

The middle chapter of one of Eurovision’s most epic saga’s. God, I may be an insane book nerd for looking for ~THE BEST STORY~ every year, but Valentina had one forreal and it was legit a great one. While the first chapter established Valentina as a universally beloved backstage darling, and the third rewarded her previous struggles with a spot in the finale, it’s the second that I hold dear the most: It put Valentina on the mark as an artist who mattered. Like a butterfly emerging from chrysalis, if you will? 🦋

Needless to say, it comes down to Valentina’s song, which is again, one of the better Siegel compositions: “Crisalide” has all I need in my Eurovision anthems: emotional imput, a great beat (made to resemble an irl heartbeat), a eurofriendly message about spreading wings and flying away, topped off with a KILLER KEY CHANGE. Like, this moment:

is one of spine-shivers. What a great entry. My 2013 self was DEVASTATED when she NQd, but my 2019 self is thrilled Valentina got to return and write history as Stan Marino’s first qualifier.  🦋 ALL HAIL THE LEGEND THAT IS VALENTINA MONETTA! 🦋 VOLA! INSIEME A MEEEEEEEEE 🦋

And that concludes San Marino! It’s pretty weird that I’m usually into “STANNING SHIT FOR THE SHITTINESS” movement, because San Marino is a country formed AROUND being deliberately bad. However, intentional humour is very often less funny than unintentional humour and because of this I find it very hard to get into the San Marinese shitfests. They’re capable of greatness though, and hopefully can capitalize on Serhat’s qualification to serve us some delicious campness in the future. 

________________________________________________________________

74. Greta Salóme - “Hear them calling” Iceland 2016

ANOTHER gut-twisting NQ. 😭 To be fair, I can sort of understand why Greta 2.0 flopped? The act is very similar to Sergey’s, but not as eye-catching, and the lighting is a bit too dark, making it dificult to connect with her.

However, having said that... what a STUPID reason to NQ one of the best songs in 2016 o__O. “Hear them calling” is a great song: It has a truly haunting atmosphere, a visually stunning act and infectuous melody. The only wish I have is that Greta had stuck to the Icelandic version though because that one is even more epic. 

Another thing I really like about “Hear them calling” is, well, Greta herself. I think she’s one of the most talented Eurovision songwriters, consistently churning out magical music, but at the same time is held back as a performer by her stagefright. Seeing her overcome it and ~blossom~ into a murder of crows the confident woman she deserves to be makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. BRING HER BACK (as a songwriter lol).

And with Greta’s elimination, HATARI are now the sole Icelandic rep standing. Love has won!

________________________________________________________________

73. Miki - “La venda” Spain 2019

LMFAO it truly was a crazy ride with Miki. When “La Venda” was first selected, it was a massive burst of uncoordinated positive energy, in desperate need of taming. A revamp polished off all the raw edges, pre-packaging it for greatness. “So it happens” BorisBubbles thought, taking an indifferent sip of cold coffee from a bone china mug. “Spain are going to break their flop streak :slurp:” 

Silly me, I had completely forgotten that, oh hello, this is fucking SPAIN and Spain doesn’t *do* competent whoops. Thank fuck they went all out with “La venda’s” staging because the results were fucking GLORIOUS. From the giant manikin rocking the dollhouse

over the go-pro,

to the technicolour explosions,

"La venda” sent a pyroclastic flow of party energy all over Europe, covering our faces with celebratory soot when we didn’t expect it. This... was fucking AWESOME though, because the eruption of Mount-St.-Nuñez was one of unbridled fun, but it also overloaded the maximum capacity of ownage energy, which short-circuited the jurors.😭 May next year’s jurors grow themselves a stronger tolerance for kickassness.😭 Nevertheless, Miki and his friends capped this decent Grand Final off in great style, turning what was a fun competent reggaeton into an EXPERIENCE. 

That leaves RUTH as highest ranked Spanish entry:

“SOY YO? SOY YO??” -“RUTH!” -“AAAAAAA!!!!!”

________________________________________________________________

72.  András Kállay-Saunders - “Running” Hungary 2014

SHE CALLS PHARRELL, SHE CALLS PHARRELL, BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE.

I will just plunge into this write-up in medias res because “Running” is one of those songs that feels like the “perfect” Eurovision entry on many levels. It’s a great example of a dark, contemporary hit single that would hit the charts on its own. 

It also tackles the issue of child abuse with grace and elegance, addressing the topic head-on, but NEVER trivializing it. This PSA is supported by András who makes for a very convincing narrator and a sublime dance act portrayed where the pain and terror is portrayed with harrowing accuracy.

Which brings me to why I’m booting it now, and not like, in the top 20. “Running” suffers from the fact that it is *too effective*. I think that, on an academic level, "Running” is probably one of the ten best entries in this decade. On a practical level however, “Running” is still an entry that gut-punches me into contemplative silence, but... it’s also very serious, distubring and saddening at the same time. It does not have the same level of replayability or likability that the upper tier Eurovision entries do. Ergo, I have to boot it now. bye. 

________________________________________________________________

71.  Sofia Nizharadze - “Shine” Georgia 2010

“Shine” was one of my intensely random faves back in 2010, so there is a lot of nostalgia resonating in dragging it this high. With that caveat out of the way though, I will say the deal is very similar to that of “Running”. Like, “Running”, “Shine” feels like a ‘perfect’ entry on an academic level. Like “Running”, it is kind of lacking on a connection level despite getting everything right. However, unlike “Running” it has a lot of heart seeping through the performance. Yes, Sopho is a notorious “slrrer vf wrds” 😍 which is just the endearment I needed.

You see, “Shine” may be a generic love ballad, pleasant and little else, but I actually think the act is the real showstopper. I could watch Sopho getting flung around for hours and never get bored. LK THE TDS GNA TRN YO ANOW

NNNNNNNNN BT ITS CLLLLLLD. 

YR LL N YR WN BT YR NVR UH-LNNNNNNNNNNNN!!

SHYNNN SHYNNN LK D STRZ N D SKYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

100% deserving of being the best scoring Georgian act in Eurovision!!! But not this ranking because “Midnight Gold” is not of this fucking planet. Congratulations Nikangel Kocharov!!

[mayaparker]

Paper Hearts;

Maya & @rydenbolt discuss the events of the Parade. And then get super off-topic because I’m the worst

Ryden spent good five minutes staring at his phone. Should he or should he not? Will it make things better or worse? Was it appropriate? Was it okay? Fuck it. Better than ignoring the whole deal like it didn’t matter to him. Like it didn’t matter that he had upset Maya and made her probably sad, definitely angry and worried for sure. Because who wouldn’t be? No one likes being stuck in the middle of a very awkward situation. A situation he helped create.

So, he gave Maya’s phone a ring, fingers drumming nervously over the headrest of the park bench he was sitting on. He wasn’t sure why he was so tense, listening to the phone ring into his ear more loudly than it usually would or was he just tripping that? He’d almost hung up but he held in there, keeping the phone pressed to his ear until someone picked up.

Setting down her coffee, Maya pulled her phone out of her pocket. People generally call her so she was a little concerned. The feeling didn’t exactly go away when she saw Ryden’s name on the screen. They had talked briefly the night before, but things still felt unsettled. She worried a little too that this was the goodbye he had promised her. A couple of other options came to mind as well, like that he needed to be bailed out of jail or something, but those were easiest to discard as her overactive anxious imagination. She answered it, “Hey you, what’s up?”

For a split second, he thought he’d stammer. Stupidly enough, Maya’s voice on the other side of the speaker surprised him. Which was stupid because he called her - who else would’ve picked up?? “Uh, um… ‘Sup?” He started lamely, clearing his throat, realizing he’d done it directly into the phone, moved it away and did it again before pressing the device back to his ear.

“Nothin’ much, just… sittin’. Um… You home?” Good going, Ryden. He usually didn’t get this flustered. He could carry on a conversation in the most awkward situations. He could talk to anyone and he always had something to say. Now, he just felt like this giant ball of awkwardness with nothing smart to talk about. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Trying again, hopefully this time with a little bit more success. “You okay, babe?”

Maya frowned although Ryden couldn’t see it. He sounded nervous, which she’d only seen once before. “Nothing much,” she replied. She almost laughed when he said the same, but didn’t. It was a reaction she guessed might make him more nervous. At his question she nodded, although he couldn’t see that either. “Yeah, I’m home,” she said before adding, “Just having my morning coffee.” Her lingering hangover meant she should probably be drinking water.

She waited for him to speak again, still not sure what this phone was about. Maya had yet to rule out that this was his goodbye. She sort of privately hoped that would make him nervous. When he finally spoke it was to ask her if she was okay. “Yeah, I’m okay. Are you okay?” she asked. This was probably about yesterday, she figured. That wasn’t the first time she embarrassed herself like that in public and very much doubted it would be her last. This meant she had long since figured out how to be okay after.

“Oh, um… Okay.” Wow. Cat got his tongue. Not only got it, but ran away to China with it, never to return and sell it to some Chinese black magic witches for catnip. Or something…

Deciding to stop beating around the bush, Ryden cleared his throat in one last attempt to sound less like a bumbling idiot. “Wanna, uh… Share that morning coffee with me? It’s fine if ya already drank it. You can, like, drink juice. Or we can have another cup, whatever.” He suggested, chewing on his bottom lip for a second.

“I’m good. I mean, some loud-ass bird woke me up super early, it had, like, the creepiest matin’ call ever, I freaked out. Couldn’t sleep after. Heh. So… come out and be a miserable mornin’ person with me?? I mean, it’s cool if ya have other plans. We can meet up for Pride later and chill. Or not. Whatever. Do you hate me now?? Am I… Was I a prick? Shit, okay, I can’t keep my mouth shut, I gotta ask, it’s drivin’ me crazy.” There, he blurted it out, like the idiot he was. Great transition there, Bolt. Super smooth.

Maya was about to tell him that she’d be happy to go out for a cup of coffee, but Ryden kept speaking. She waited. And there it was, the reason for his call and, she guessed, his nerves. Closing her eyes she nodded, glad to at least know what was going on. She took a moment to respond, deciding what might be best to say. “You were kind of a prick,” she settled on, “But I don’t hate you. And yeah, I could go for another cup of coffee. I just need to put on shoes and head over. Where do you want to meet?”

As she spoke she dumped the rest of her coffee mug down the drain. It was too hot at the moment to try and chug it. Cradling the phone between her head and shoulder, she rinsed it out. Maya was already decked out in her Pride outfit since it was a casual one. In fact it was quite the opposite of the elaborate paint she’d worn the night before which had taken at least an hour to get off in the shower.

“That… is debatable but, okay, I’ll take it for now.” Ryden mumbled, tone turning slightly defensive for a bit because, obviously, Ryden’s behavior was a reaction to something. As much of a wild card as he was, he still didn’t do things completely out of the blue with no justifiable reason whatsoever. Ryden’s reasons might not always be easy to understand but they were nevertheless there and if he got a chance to explain, awesome. And if not, who cares anyway. Though honestly, he wasn’t really good at explaining things in general. Especially to defend himself. He was so bad at this it just became easier to be the bad guy and let everyone think that. But there was one thing Ryden would not allow himself - and that was to be convinced that he was a bad guy when he wasn’t.

“Uh, does Bean Me Up work for you?” He asked, immensely relieved that she didn’t hate him. Though he wasn’t entirely sure why it would matter.

While Maya had never been called a prick she had been called a bitch more than a few times and ungrateful a greater number. Growing up she’d had something of a mouth on. She still did sometimes. People rarely asked her for her side of the story. This part of her past meant that she assumed Ryden had a reason for how he’d behaved. She always had after all. Fane’s reasons she’d talked out with him. She didn’t expect to talk either of them out of their dislike of each other. Especially not only for her sake. Mostly Maya just didn’t want to be caught in the middle, forced to choose sides.

She also didn’t respond to Ryden’s momentary defensiveness. It wouldn’t help. “Yeah, Bean Me Up, give me fifteen?” she replied. As she did she started up the stairs back to her room. She needed to put on shoes and do her make-up although neither would would take long.

Some fifteen minutes later, Ryden was at Bean Me Up, already occupying a table with a cup of black, sugared coffee in front of him, sipping on it while it was still hot.

The shock of electric blue from a couple of nights before was already entirely gone from his hair and he was back in his usual attire - dark shirt, tight ripped jeans and combat boots on. No jacket because it was obviously getting to hot for that shit.

Noticing Maya entering the coffee shop, he stood up so she’d notice him, giving her a little awkward wave.

Maya made it to the cafe just right about on time. She’d walked from the Savin Estate, which she usually did when coming in to town. Luckily it was a bright sunny day meaning she didn’t show up soaked. As she walked in she looked around the cozy room. Movement in the corner of the room caught her attention and she glanced over to see Ryden standing. He waved, still seeming nervous. She waved back, a little nervous herself.

After going up to the counter both to say hi to Tuah and to get herself a latte. She walked over to the table. Now that they were together in person she couldn’t help but feel anxious. These were not the kinds of conversations she was used to having. Previously there hadn’t really been enough people in her life to have this kind of issue. She wasn’t looking forward either to having to explain herself. The fact that she had completely panicked wasn’t really Ryden or Fane’s fault. Even she hadn’t known it would happen. If she had she would’ve removed herself from the situation before embarrassing herself.

“Sooooooo,” she said as she sat down, “I’m guessing we’re here to talk about the other day?” Maya said it like it was a question even though it wasn’t really. In her lap her fingers played with her rings, a nervous habit.

“Um… we can. Or we can just... Not. Whatever.” Ryden shrugged, acting like it didn’t matter anyway. She didn’t hate him and that was really all that mattered. They could never speak of it again if she wanted that, just as long as she didn’t hate him. He played with the cup of coffee he’d ordered, rolling it between his palms absently.

“You sure you’re cool now?” He asked again, just to make sure. Because honestly, out of everything else, this was his biggest concern.

They should probably talk about it. The adult thing to do was to talk about it. None of that made Maya actually want to talk about it. And yet it was better that then letting it fester and ruin whatever they had. She smiled when he asked if she was cool. Nodding, she replied, “Yeah, I’m cool. That is not the first time I’ve completely lost my shit in public. It’s not my favorite activity, but I am pretty good at recovering from it by now.” She sighed, “And I’m sorry too for it. I just...I don’t know suddenly it was like I was nine years old again listening outside the door as they argued about whether or not I should testify and…” Maya trailed off, shaking her head. The other cause she still didn’t know how to talk about. “Men arguing hasn’t ever really ended well for me, so I kind of freaked out. It wasn’t really anyone’s fault.”

She paused and added, “Well, it was someone’s fault, but they’re back in Salem.”

She picked up her mug and then set it back down again. Running her fingers through her hair, Maya sighed. “I do want to know what the hell happened,” she said, gaze and voice soft, “I did talk to Fane already. I won’t pretend I haven’t. But if I know anything it’s that there’s two sides and usually they’re both legit.” As for Fane she understood where he was coming from, understood the fear and concern that drove him. She didn’t a hundred percent agree with it, but she understood it. She suspected the same would be true of Ryden’s reasons.

“Girl, everyone freaks out from time to time. Heck, ya shoulda seen me when I got here. An SUV hit me and I stopped it with my bare hands and I freaked, yo. Panic attack and all, laboured breathin’ an’ all. Rein had to help me sit down on a trash can cause it happened in the middle of a street, heh. I do not envy Rein for havin’ to deal with me then.” But Ryden was easy to laugh about his troubles. He always had been. Things were only momentarily scary to him and after that, it was either ride or die. If he rode through it, he would laugh about it later cause it just seemed stupid to him to cry about it. Crying was wasting time and energy that could otherwise be used to solve the problem or overcome a hurdle. But Ryden didn’t know that sucking it up wasn’t always the best thing to do. Some things you just have to cry about. Or else one’s very health and mental state suffers. Emotions weren’t made to be bottled up. Controlled sometimes, sure, when appropriate but not reigned in, chained and buried. Because then, you get a perfectly healthy man having breathing issues over most trivial things. Insomnia. Loss of appetite. Depression, anxiety and an overall mess of a person. Ryden hadn’t cried once since Sarah died. And although he didn’t project his trauma on others, not in any direct way at least, he did project it onto himself by not letting himself heal through tears. If you don’t cry on the outside, you will find different ways to cry. And some of those ways were far worse than actually shedding a tear.

So it was totally cool to freak out in public. But… “Babe, ya do know that the argument wasn’t about you, right? I mean, yeah, sure. Standin’ there, watchin’ people argue ain’t really pleasant but… it was never about you. You did nothing wrong.” He reassured her, voice unusually soft for someone who was usually so loud and easy to draw attention.

Hearing what she decided they should talk about, Ryden leaned back against the chair he was sitting in, giving Maya a shrug. “A’ight. What exactly do ya wanna know?” She’d already told him that she spoke to Fane about it, which was normal and good, even. For her. But Ryden was pretty sure that the man had said all the nasty things he possibly could, in privacy where no one would be able to stop him. And now, Ryden was probably painted all black. Thus the fear of Maya possibly hating him now. Luckily that doesn’t seem to be the case after all.

“Now I gotta warn ya… I don’t do any o’that sweet talkin’ polite stick up yo ass bullshit. Whatever ya ask, I’ll tell ya things as they are or as I see ‘um, and it’s up to people who listen if they’ll be butthurt about it or not. Cause I ain’t tiptoeing. That ain’t me. Me don’t do that. I either tell you the truth, I tell you exactly what I think or I don’t talk at all. We don��t know each other that well, so I gotta put that out there. A little disclaimer. God knows I need one on me every time I open my mouth. So… I don’t mean to trash talk your dad, uh… I’m sure he’s an awesome dad to you and his family but… He was kinda trash to me. So if ya don’t want to hear that from a stranger, maybe better not continue this convo, ya dig? Up to you, babe.” He warned, letting it sit for a minute and settle, giving Maya time to process and rethink.

Maya gave a tired crooked smile. She didn’t argue that getting hit by a car or using the new powers, for lack of a better term, that had been forced on you were perfectly reasonable reasons to freak out in public. She, on the other hand, did it for what she considered silly reasons because of events that were long over, things she ought to just get over. She should be over it by now. After all she was safe now. There was no reason for her to be so afraid, for her mind to be a minefield of fight or flight responses. She didn’t have to fight so much anymore.

And yet her brain hadn’t completely left that place. Old habits, after all, died hard, especially those that had kept her alive.

Nodding, Maya replied, “No, yeah, I know. I didn’t think it was about me. I just…” She shrugged, not sure exactly what the trigger had been. “I don’t know, it felt too similar or I was just worried enough about the whole thing or…” she sighed, “I have no idea what actually tripped my brain. If I did I would’ve avoided it.” She shook her head, feeling guilty for managing to make it about her. That was what everyone was worried about now. Her. Instead of better and more worthy things.

She listened as Ryden gave his disclaimer. As she did she sipped her latte. Although she didn’t actually know him well she was not surprised to hear him say that he wouldn’t hold back what in thought in the interest of being polite. She had been there, after all, and listened to Ryden speak to Fane to his face. She’d hardly expected him to be more cautious with his words when Fane wasn’t around. She set her mug down. “That’s okay,” she replied, “I love the guy, but I’m not laboring under the delusion that he’s perfect.” Maya didn’t expect to entirely agree with whatever Ryden said, just as she hadn’t entirely agreed with Fane. Her disagreement didn’t make how either of them felt any less legitimate though. It would help her to know too.   

“No, it’s okay. Really.” Ryden once again attempted to reassure her and the way he was so casual about it and ready to move on and put it behind them was a telltale sign that he thought it was perfectly okay and didn’t require further explanation on Maya’s part. “Shit happens, we all get emotional and things sometimes get out of hand. No need for a reason, it just happened and now it’s over. Forget about it. Important thing is you good now.” And that was it, as far as he was concerned. He had no problems with it and it was resolved, unless Maya wanted to talk more about it. The other thing though was far from resolved…

“Now… as for what happened on that particular day… it was durin’ that blob shower thing. I was at a diner, just had lunch, was chillin’ and then I notice these… things falling like hail. And I was like, what the?? And I went out, was gonna get Princess parked somewhere else, so she wouldn’t get gunk all over her. And then somethin’... Somethin’ fell on my face. And after that everythin’ was… just a blur.”

“Like, at first, I couldn’t remember anythin’. Now it’s slowly comin’ back, when I think real hard about it. How I remember it was… I was trippin’ balls, babe. I saw shit. And I couldn’t snap out of it. Ya watched that movie? Mad Max Fury Road? It was like that, okay? I was trippin being in that fuckin’ movie. And it was kinda awesome, yeah, and I stole a car, whatever. But I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t… me at the time. I was someone else and the whole world was somethin’ else. Freakiest shit ever.”

“And then I suppose I drove off, trippin’ whatever I was trippin’ and Fane chased after me. On my bike. Prolly took it cause it was parked close. I don’t know. And yanno, like, if ya trippin’ ya in an action movie, shit will get down, okay. A car chase never ends good. We crashed into a lake cause he jumped on the car, tried to take over, I wouldn’t let him because at that point, I am pretty sure we were both crazy trippin’ and that was that. We were in a car accident. And when I came around it was all done. The car was sunk, my bike was off in a ditch a mile away which I will find out later and yer dad kinna got the worst of it. Point is… I could’ve bailed on ‘um. I could’ve been like, fuck this shit I’m outta here and honestly, confused and fuckin’ disoriented as I was, it woulda been a perfectly legit thing to do.”

“But I didn’t bail. I pick the guy up, I help him out, I try to sort things out and he pisses all over me, all the while. Okay, fine. Whatever. It was a scary situation, we were both shaken up, fine. But then, he comes at the Pride event, comes up to me and he’s like ’uuuh, and you are??’. Bitch, you know damn well who I am, I dragged your ass outta that lake the other night and you come up like you so important, ya can’t possibly know a trash like me?! For fuckin’ real? You wanna talk about disrespect? That’s some disrespect right there. Pssh.” Ryden huffed, shaking his head a little. He settled for a moment, just to regain his easily lost composure because damn, did just thinking about all this piss him off…

Maya listened as Ryden explained, from his point of view, what had happened. As she did she was careful not to compare his story to Fane’s. Although it was mostly the same with a few different details. At the end of it she felt the same as when she had spoken with Fane. The magic, and whoever had caused it, was to blame for the crash. She remembered how vivid her own hallucinations at the time had been. She and Iann had robbed a bank for Pete’s sake. At the same time though she could understand Fane’s fear. She knew more about fear than most. As for the parade she saw both sides as well. Fane with his fear and concern for his kids had come over. He had made clear he didn’t think that he intended to start anything, but Maya didn’t agree. Conscious or not she didn’t think Fane’s only motivation was curiosity.

In light of their first meeting Maya could understand too Ryden being annoyed, even angry when Fane didn’t seem to acknowledge who he was. Although she’d never felt it from Fane she knew that feeling all too well. She knew what it was like to be treated like trash or to feel like she was. The mouthing off wasn’t the best way to change it, but she’d given in to the same impulse. More than a few times. As she saw it the whole interaction came with baggage: Fane’s fear of being taken away from his family and Ryden’s history of being looked down on. None of which was easy to overcome. She still didn’t expected them to either, not when the only incentive was it making her life slightly easier.

For a long moment she said nothing. When she finally spoke it was soft, “Thank you, for telling me. For whatever it counts for, and I don’t expect that to be much, I don’t think that car accident was your fault. I told Fane as much, that I didn’t think it was entirely fair to be angry with you for it, given the magic involved.” She shrugged, “Didn’t convince him out of it, not that I expected it to. It’s a lot easier to be angry and I don’t expect I could convince either of you how worthy the other one is no matter how much I believe it.”

She played with her parents’ wedding bands, twisting them as she said the part she did think she could influence. “At the end of the day I’m...fuck it, I’m scared that someday I’m going to be asked to choose. I don’t have a lot of experience being caught between people,” Maya laughed, “That requires more people than have historically been in my life. But I don’t have some delusion that if I were to ask for it the two of you will be best friends. All I’m asking is that you don’t ask me to pick a side, don’t hate me for not choosing. I don’t want to lose either of you.”   

“Thank you!” Ryden exclaimed, raising his arms a little. Finally someone who didn’t think the whole shebang was his fault. Ryden was a lot of things and he for sure was not a perfect person. But when he wasn’t guilty, he wasn’t guilty. And with time, spending his life having few to no people standing up for him, he learned real good how to stand up for himself. His methods of defending his point weren’t always a perfect way to handle things, yes, but when Ryden Bolt wasn’t guilty, he will plead not guilty. And fuck everyone who says otherwise.

Taking a sip of his coffee, mostly to ease his frustration more than anything - and because cold coffee was just gross - Ryden gave another shrug. “I ain’t angry. Just kind of annoyed, I guess. Cause yanno, in the end, he’s not important to me. He can think whatever the fuck he wants. I don’t need his thanks, I don’t need his apology, never asked for any of that. I know who I am and I know what I do - and I know when I do good and when I do bad. That’s enough for me. Fuck ‘um. Sorry babe, but fuck ‘um. I got bigger problems than Fane Savin.”

And seriously, those problems could not compare. If this didn’t escalate, Ryden would’ve already moved on, to be honest. Focused on getting his bike fixed so he could move on as soon as possible and get out of town, keep moving. Keep the Man in Black at bay.

“I ain’t askin’ that.” Ryden stated, matter of factly. “And just like I told Faye, if your family makes ya feel like ya gotta choose, nothin’ I can do there. It’s somethin’ your family needs to fix. That’s family affairs and I ain’t touchin’ that. It wouldn’t be right for me to get involved there. It’s not my business.”

Maya nodded, not quite glad to hear it. She certainly didn’t wish bigger problems on him, but if he had them anyway it meant this wouldn’t be the problem she worried it might be. She still worried a little about a minor part of what Fane had said. He had classified both her and Dani’s relationships with Ryden as him messing about with them. Of course Maya couldn’t speak for Dani, but she didn’t think that any part of her personal interactions with Ryden were him simply messing about with her, if only because all the sex had been initially her suggestion. God, she hoped that wasn’t what it was. Either way Maya was an adult who could be friends, or more than friends, with whoever she chose. Any issue Fane had with that, or mistake he thought she was making, was between her and Fane. They could cross that bridge when they came to it. “Okay,” she said because clearly Ryden’s mind was made up. She didn’t mention the rest of it, pretty sure not only that it wouldn’t help matters, but that it didn’t matter.

She sighed and shook her head. “They didn’t either. I don’t know, it’s all in my head, I guess. Too many high school movies or…” she shrugged and looked down at the table, “Too many trials maybe.” It felt sometimes like her whole life had been a battle. She always fighting someone or something. The Shaws, the foster care system, certain foster families, her own brain more often than not. And she was tired of fighting. Maya took a deep breath before bringing her gaze back up to Ryden. “But now that I’ve heard it from both of you it’ll be a lot easier to talk myself out of being paranoid.” She smiled again, still crookedly. Her expression was self-deprecating. She knew that she didn’t react the way she was supposed to, that she worried too much, needed reassurance too often. “Also not my favorite activity, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it too.”

“Well, that’s good.” Ryden nodded but he’d already heard as much from Faye, who had approached him basically on the same day and talked things through with him. They were dealing with this as a family and although Ryden was glad, he still had no business in there and wasn’t about to butt in. Because that was simply something his meddling could never fix, no matter his good intentions.

“Good.” Ryden nodded again, reaching across the table to poke Maya’s hand playfully. A small smirk quirked his lips. “Fake it till ya make it, whatever~” Not that he actually thought Maya was being a fake or anything like that. Maya’s efforts were real and she was trying her best, for herself and others. Ryden could appreciate that kind of strength. But sometimes, we just fake strength for the ones we love. Maya had probably been doing a lot of that during her life, especially now for her new family, which she wished for from the bottom of her heart. And that was okay. In that context, putting up a bit of a front wasn’t a bad thing. But it was up to the family in question to know exactly what’s behind it.

There were things in her life that Maya had simply accepted and gotten used to. At some point it was too much to stay angry and she worried that would only leave her bitter and mean. Since arriving in Soapberry Springs less than a year ago several of her accepted truths had been proven false. The most easily noticed one was the family she was sure she would never have. The one that had snuck up on her was casual touch. She had long since gotten used to the only kind of physical affection she got being in the context of sex.

Here though that was no longer true. Therefore Maya smiled, expression softening when Ryden poked her hand. “Alright,” she said, “Now that I’m done being weird and emo can we talk about literally anything else? Maybe how you’ve secretly been a badass DJ this whole time? What other secret skills do you have?” She wanted to move past the whole thing and she thought that Ryden did too. Now that it was out in the open rather than festering in the dark she felt she could.

“Heh, ya mean aside from my mad tongue skills?” He stuck his tongue out at her, teeth catching on the piercing in there. “Yeah, just somethin’ I picked up along the way. Ummm…” He thought about her question for a second. “I can cook. Fix cars. Good at soccer. Sports in general. Good at brawlin’. Did some boxing and MMA for a little while. Rocky style, heh. I don’t know. Stuff.”

As he spoke, he reached out, his hand picking hers up, playing idly with her fingers and the rings on them, the same ones he’d noticed her fiddle with a lot. “What’s that? Somethin’ special? Gift from an ex?” He raised her hand to inspect the wedding bands she had on.

Maya laughed, “Well, that wasn’t a secret. At least not to me anyway.” She listened with interest as he described, vaguely, some of his other talents. The brawling didn’t surprise her, but she was curious as to his cooking skills. Of course that was always partially a professional interest. While her best skills were in baking at some point following a recipe was following a recipe. There was always something to be learned from other people though when it came to the kitchen. “Didn’t Rocky lose?” she teased.

She shook her head, “Nah, I only got the one ex and when he tried to give me a ring, I ran out of the restaurant.” She had to laugh and shake her head again. It had been a mess. The whole relationship really had been a mess. Well, not exactly. It had been normal and she desperately wanted normal at the time. As it turned out wanting to be with someone to be normal and not for them wasn’t a great foundation for love. He too had wanted her for something other than herself. They both recognized that now, although last she’d checked she still featured in his stand up routine. “They were my parents’. These and a recipe book my dad was writing are all I have left of them,” Maya explained. In an effort to save her daughter’s life her mom had destroyed all of the photos of the family. As for anything else much of it had gone into evidence or been lost over the years.

“Sometimes he lost, sometimes he won.” Ryden shrugged with a grin.

He couldn’t help cringing visibly, feeling kind of sorry for the guy who got stood up in the middle of a proposal apparently. “Yeesh… Couldn’t ya have at least, like, walked out? Ya had to run?” He chuckled, shaking his head at Maya. “So… You’ve been almost engaged, huh?” That was an interesting piece of info.

But he got a bit more serious as Maya spoke about her parents’ wedding rings. “Oh, that’s cute.” And he didn’t mean it in an undermining kind of way. It was really sweet. He took a better look at them but when he was done, he kept Maya’s hand on his, lowering them down on the table. “Yer dad was a cook? Or a baker too?”

Maya shook her head again, “I mean, I remember it as running, but I was wearing heels at the time, so technically I was probably walking. It was a shitshow, though. Someone told later that he uses it in his stand up routine and, like, if I hated him for that. But if we’re honest it’s only fair. Last time we talked it was so I could explicitly give him my blessing for it, in case anyone tried to give him shit.”

Making a face she considered for a moment, “Technically, but I don’t so much consider it that. I had no idea he was going to do it and can’t for the life of me figure out why he did. I think we really wanted to love each other, but we didn’t. I know I didn’t and I don’t think I ever let him know me enough for him to love me.” Her expression softened a little, “He was a good guy though. He’ll make someone else happy and I couldn’t have made him happy.” She shook her head. It had been a long time since she thought of Jonah. She hoped vaguely that he was well and made a mental note to see if she couldn’t find one of his routines on YouTube.

She wasn’t quite sure how she felt about it when Ryden didn’t let go of her hand. It felt nice certainly, but it wasn’t something she was used to. Carson had never held her hand except a few times to tug her out of the way of taxis or messenger bikes. It was nice though, so she didn’t pull her hand away. “Yeah, he was a baker, not by trade though. He was a lawyer by trade. But I got my magic from him. We used to spend whole Saturdays in the kitchen, making a mess usually. He was never good at making it pretty though, always said it mattered more what tasted like than what it looked like.” Her eyes were unfocused, staring off into the middle distance. She had few memories of her parents, but there were a few that she’d managed to hold onto through the years. Most of those featured the cozy kitchen she’d spent so many happy hours in before she’d lost them.

“Mmm. Heels. I like you in heels.” Ryden hummed, his smile turning a bit dreamy for a second. Because heels were hot, period. He chuckled then. “Yeah, at least give the guy that. Cause it is kind of funny. And it’s good he’s having a laugh about it now.”

Listening to her and Jonah’s story, Ryden nodded. “Shit happens. Relationships fall apart. You guys tried and prolly had some good times together and that was that. No one’s fault.” At least that was how Ryden saw it.

“Shiit, that’s adorable.” Ryden admitted with a huge grin, running his thumb over Maya’s knuckles. Maya would just have to get over Ryden being all touchy-feely. Because that was simply how Ryden was. He craved physical contact and it usually meant nothing more than a need for closeness, a need for physical touch. Maybe that was how he was brought up, having an overly affectionate mother. Or maybe that was just how he was, speaking even more loudly with his hands and his body than his already loud enough voice. Not touching someone he liked was like not looking them in the eyes for Ryden - rude and lonely. Like there are walls between people that don’t need to exist.

“And what did your momma do?” He asked, letting go of her hand now so he could pick up his coffee mug and sip on it.

Maya smiled as Ryden said that he liked her in heels. She thought briefly of She’s the Man where someone, she couldn’t remember who now, argued that heels were a man’s invention to make a woman’s butt look bigger and hard to run away. Of course the simple solution, on the one or two occasions she’d had a problem while in heels, she’d just taken them off.

“Well you know what they say, comedy is just tragedy plus time,” she joked. At first she hadn’t easily been able to joke about it either. While Maya was sure her own embarrassment was far outweighed by Jonah’s it had been mortifying for her too. She nodded at his summation of it. That relationship, her only real one, was one of the least tragic things in her life. At the end of the day they simply weren’t compatible and that wasn’t really anyone’s fault.

“Oh yeah, I was adorable back then,” she replied. If she had any pictures she would’ve offered to show him. However since they’re weren’t she just didn’t mention it. When he withdrew his hand she did the same a moment later. “She was a teacher, history at the high school in town. And a master illusionist, used to make fireworks shows out of her fingertips for the Fourth of July.” Maya took a deep breath and picked up her coffee. It was only lukewarm now, but she wasn’t about to waste something she’d paid for. “What about you?” she asked, “What’d your parents do?”

“Pretty much~” Ryden agreed with a happy chirp.

“Oh really? What happened to you?” He snickered, leaning back against the chair just in case Maya decided to take a swing at him for this.

“That is so awesome, oh my god.” Ryden was seriously impressed. He would’ve loved to see these fireworks. But when he was asked about his own parents, he just sort of shrugged. “Dad was good at not bein’ around. At all. Momma did everythin’ she could. She couldn’t finish school cause she got me. So she did whatever job was out there to keep us afloat. Now she’s a nurse and I think she’s happy with that. She likes that job. She did real good. Real proud of my momma~” He smirked before adding. “Not sure if she can say the same ‘bout me, I was a hell to raise, heh.”

Rolling her eyes, Maya replied, “I got super hot, obviously.” It was a joke, of course. She’d never considered herself exceptionally much of anything. It was among the facts she’d simply gotten used to in her life. She was average in all except a few tragic circumstances.  

“Yeah, they were awesome,” she agreed. Her tone became bittersweet as she said it. While she tried not to think about it sometimes, especially while on the topic, she wondered what she might’ve been like if they had lived. If even just one of them had lived. Her smile didn’t fade, but her dark eyes were sad. She didn’t mind talking them though, not in this context when they were all happy and alive.

Her expression sobered a little as Ryden talked about his own parents. She made a mental note about his dad, but quickly discarded any other thought about the man. If he had no interest in being important then it was easy for her to dismiss him. His mother therefore she reserved her curiosity for. She didn’t say that clearly his mom had a good job raising him. It sounded too corny even in her own head. Smiling, she replied, “Well, she sounds like a badass.” It was a compliment. Maya knew her fair share of strong women and single mothers always fell into that category. It was a difficult thing to raise a child, she knew, partially because all evidence said she herself was too difficult to raise. And to do it alone could only be so. “And how about this? If I ever met her I’ll put in a good word for you. Tell her about how you saved my ass from that freak snowstorm,” she added with a hint of teasing.

As a thought occurred to her her expression again grew serious. “Does she know?” Maya asked, “About your being a werewolf, I mean.” She paused for only half a second before reconsidering the question especially in light with the discomfort she’d witness for him on the topic. “Sorry, nevermind, I shouldn’t have asked that. It’s not my business.”  

“Well yeah… I guess that happened.” Ryden hummed but he took too long to admit it. It was intentional, of course, the hesitation meant to tease Maya.

His expression softened in response to her sad one. Of course, every child has love for their parents, no matter how they are. Maya obviously adored hers. Ryden could only imagine how much it hurt to lose them so early on.

On a lighter note, Ryden enjoyed gushing about people he adored, his mother included. “Hell yeah, baddest momma around. She’s one lioness of a woman.” He grinned widely, the sharp canines peeking out. “Don’t think she’ll believe ya any. She knows how I am, heh. For any good thing I’ve done, she knows there are at least ten times as many fuckups to follow.” He said it in a light tone, making it obvious that it was probably just a running joke between them.

At her next question, he shook his head. “Naw it’s fine. She don’t know. And I’d like to keep it that way. She’s um… out there, in the ‘human world’. She don’t know any of this shit. For the better. I, uh… don’t know how she’d handle it.”

Maya stuck her tongue out at him, “If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were trying to rile me up.”

Even having just talked about her own parents she felt no jealousy or envy as Ryden talked about his mom. Her experience was thankfully not anywhere close to universal. She laughed when said that his mom wasn’t likely to to believe her. “Yeah, well considering I don’t even have a passport it wasn’t that great an offer anyway,” she replied, “I’d hold out for a better one.”

Her gratitude, not only that wasn’t angry with her for asking at but he’d also given her an answer, displayed itself clearly on her face. She nodded when he admitted that his mom didn’t know that he was a werewolf. Maya didn’t ask if his mom at least knew where he was. She’d already pushed her luck. Besides it wasn’t like he didn’t know his mother was probably worried about him. That was what parents did after all. Instead she said, “I didn’t tell anyone. When I left New York, god coming up on two years ago now. My best friend was ex-Army, a wolf too, and all I could think about was protecting him, getting as far away from Shaw and anyone he might hurt to get to me as possible. I didn’t contact any of them until I was safe, until Shaw was dead. So I get it, at least partially, is my point.”

“Me? Why, I’d never.” Ryden feigned shock at her accusation, following it up with a little gasp.

Then he’d sighed out a huff of relief, which was also feigned. “Good. Cause thinkin’ bout what you two would talk about behind my back just gives me the creepers. Brrr.” He shook himself, knowing that Genna would jump for the first opportunity to gossip about her own son. Show some baby pictures, though there weren’t many because they couldn’t exactly afford a camera. Show off his drawings when he was a kid, not that he was good at drawing - actually, he was terrible at it. Show off his medals and trophies he’d won, playing soccer in school and doing boxing when he was a bit older. Yup. That would be a seriously embarrassing experience. Not to mention she’d immediately assume Maya was his girlfriend and be all ecstatic about it. That… would be very awkward too, explaining that she’s not. And then, his momma would probably talk about Sarah and cry a little… Which would be the most awkward thing of all. So yes, it was a good thing Maya couldn’t meet Genna. Although Ryden knew they would instantly get along.

“It’s sort of easier that way, isn’t it?” He concluded, as Maya revealed her own experience on sharing what she was with other people. “Even if they end up resentin’ ya for it.”

“Because you know I would 100% bribe her with cupcakes to tell me embarrassing stories about you?” Maya teased. It was exactly what she would do if given the chance. She would make no real effort to meet his mom though. She had been told enough times that she was a bad influence both by parents directly and by kids who said they weren’t allowed to hang out with her anymore. Generally it was the more subtle cues than that, which told her she wasn’t wanted. In her experience parents rarely liked her. Ryden’s mom would probably think the same, that she was bad news.

She laughed almost bitterly, “I don’t know about easier. I don’t think there’s anything easy about it, but better, I guess, in the end.” It was an awful decision to have to make. Carson didn’t agree with hers, she knew that. Maya thought she was right though and certainly couldn’t fault herself for making it. Her fear had been no small motivating factor. She was proven right too, she felt, by Shaw’s eventual claims that he’d kidnapped people she cared about. If she had stayed that’s all that would’ve happened. “Carson doesn’t hate me, at least not for that. I’m not sure I can say the same for the fact I didn’t come back to New York,” she said, “But not for disappearing without a word.” There was no doubt in her mind that Ryden’s mother would forgive him. She didn’t think it would hurt to hear though that at least in her case she hadn’t been resented for the decision. Maybe not much, but a little.  

“Yeah, I know, that’s what I’m afraid of. She’s… too easy to bribe. Especially with cupcakes.” Ryden hummed, looking like he was about to change the topic. Which he did. Well, rather, Maya did and he just steered the conversation that way a bit further. “Yeah…” He agreed, with no small amount of some oppressive feeling weighing him down. It was a strange mix of guilt, fear and anticipation, anxiousness and tension. Kind of like those dreams when you’re running away from something through some intricate maze you cannot figure out, just barely making it in the end. It kind of felt like that, protecting people in that way. Complicated and just barely making it. “Well, that’s good. I mean, now that Shaw is dead, ya can always go visit Carson, right? Smooth things out?” He suggested because why not? The hunter was gone and Maya totally could, if she wanted to.

Just a few minutes ago she’d promised being weird and emo and somehow they’d gotten onto the at least mildly depressing topics anyway. She let them go. Shrugging about the prospect of returning to New York to visit Maya replied, “I will probably will at some point. But it’s a money issue. I’ve just about saved up for my own place and airplanes tickets aren’t cheap.” She also wasn’t entirely sure if she could face Carson, not after what she had done to Shaw. His guilt had never left him, but hers came and went. “Have you ever been?” she asked, “To New York, I mean.”

Well, Ryden could relate there. He barely had any money and he had a lot of traveling to do. Part of the reason why he stayed at Soapberry for this long. “It’ll happen. If you could save up for your own place, you can save up for a plane ticket.” He reasoned. Because real friends can wait, and late was better than never.

“Nope. First time across the pond. I’ve stopped at a few cities on my way here though, but not New York.” He admitted. Before the bite, Ryden hadn’t traveled much, if at all. There was just no money. The money he was spending now, running away from the Man in Black was the cash he and Sarah saved up for their own house and for a trip to Thailand. Because Sarah had always wanted to visit Thailand for some reason and Ryden worked day and night to take her there one day. Both hard working in their own way, doing their best, they saved up quite a lot. But Ryden didn’t need it now. And the only thing that came in handy was so he could run away from the one pursuing him using that money. And it was quickly running out.

Yet another reason he settled here for a bit longer than he’d initially intended to. He was still considering taking up another part time job along the ones he had at Erzebet’s and the Fainting Goat. “By the way… Does your bakery need any help? Anyone to do some grunt work, whatever?”

“Yeah, I might be able to convince him to come out here too. Sell him on some cool new werewolf friends,” Maya replied.

She couldn’t help, but get a little excited when Ryden said he hadn’t been. She loved New York. “Okay, I know I’m a walking cliche, but if you have the chance you should go. It really is magic,” she said. She could’ve sympathized with his dwindling funds. It was the same problem she’d had while on the run herself. In Madison she’d had to pawn her mother’s engagement ring. It was that event which caused her to wear so many rings now. While most of her magic was like her father’s she had a little skill in illusion. She bought a bunch of cheap rings at Forever 21 or somewhere similar and could trick pawn shops into thinking they were real gold. And there was of course the lack of money which had landed her in Fane’s house.

But if she had known that Ryden was running from someone she would’ve told him to stay and ask for help. After all running hadn’t saved her from Shaw. But she didn’t know so all Maya could do was respond to the actual question he asked, “I don’t know, but I can ask.”

“Hahaha sure, I’ll give him a tour, if I’m still around by then.” Ryden offered, though he knew he probably wouldn’t be.

On the topic of traveling to New York, Ryden wasn’t against it at all. “Hey, I’d love to travel anywhere. If I could, I’d travel the world. So sure, maybe, why not.” He grinned. Maybe that will kind of be his next destination. He haven’t decided yet. He was trying to be as unpredictable as possible, so the Man in Black wouldn’t catch a pattern.

“Would you? Cause that’d be awesome, I’d really appreciate it. Unless ya wouldn’t want to see my ugly mug at work too, that’s completely cool.”

Maya’s face dropped for half a second at the reminder that eventually Ryden would leave. Her gut response was to close herself off, lessen if she could the pain that would inevitably result from it. It was too late to avoid any pain. It was this fact which prompted her to reject her gut response. It was going to hurt anyway so she might as well have a good time beforehand. She recovered her expression quickly though. “You should. It’s an easy place to get lost in, the opposite of here,” she replied, “I used to love that about it.”

She nodded easily, “Yeah, no problem.” Laughing she added, “Honestly I get really focused at work, especially with the icing, so I might not even notice you’re there. But I can’t say I’d mind if i did.”

“Hah, I got lost here too! I suppose I’ll lose myself often in New York!” Ryden barked out a pleasant, contagious laughter, loving the idea of so many places to visit, so many places to go till you weren’t sure anymore where you’ve started and where you’re gonna end up at.

“Mmm, okay, I’ll easily get your attention if I steal some o’that icin’ straight off yer cupcakes~” He waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively, this totally being an intentional pun. “Jokes aside, I would appreciate it. If it happens, great, if not, no biggie. I just need work, gonna take any chance I get.”

Maya laughed, “Honestly, I loved being lost in New York. Partially because you never really lost, its is a grid system. But I grew up in a fish bowl, so being lost in crowds, being no one it felt like I was finally free. And I love it here, don’t get me wrong. But there’s no getting lost in this town.” To her though Soapberry felt like a fish bowl only in the way all small towns did. That she didn’t mind so much.

Shaking her head she laughed again. “No to that with actual icing because I get real art up in that shit,” she replied, “And potentially yes to the inappropriate joke you’re making as soon as I figure exactly what it means.” Maya had the suspicion that his looking for more work wasn’t about keeping himself out of trouble or figuring out what career he wanted. She guess that it was to be able to pay his way out of town. She couldn’t claim to truly want to help him with that. She would though because it was obviously what he wanted. “But yeah, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask. My boss might be able to hook you up with the caterer. I hear they get a bunch of special events over the summer and probably need extra bartenders.”

“Lost in New York… Isn’t that, like, a title for a movie?” Ryden laughed with her but he could easily see what she meant. He was from a small community too and everyone in the hood knew everyone. And with a toxic environment, that just made everything worse. Traveling to places where no one knew him, where he could get lost, meet new people… Ryden had never felt more liberated in his entire life.The only problem was he wished Sarah was by his side, traveling with him.

“Oooh. Okay. Then I’ll just watch. Stand behind your back and breathe against your neck.” Giving her a look, he smirked wickedly. “You think about it, lovely. Think about it real hard when you’re home alone at night.”

“Okay, sweet! I’m down for that. You just let me know whenever.” Which was more than he could ask for, and he was really grateful that she was willing to put up an effort for him.

“A’ight, so, we had our coffee… What else o ya wanna do today? I’m off work. It’s cool if you got better things to do!”

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

I'm so happy to hear the kids abducted to Hong Kong got to hear and see and talk to their hero that saved them today through Zoom in Brian's phone!!!

It was so lucky and such perfect timing that he called me today while the military crews were still resting in China and Wendy was able to pinpoint their locations directly!!

He truly is their Hero and we are so lucky!

I have dreamed about him for years and for years have been waking up from nightmares telling Brian McGruff is a bad dog... But always the dream would be gone when i woke up or it was before it started happening and no one knew

I even had a feeling when I ordered the kits... So I'm not sure how these kids feel through the cracks because they were on my soul to save.

I also didn't know know about human trafficking like I do now, so I think the whole "Sabrina you just have a bad feeling because it reminds you what could happen..." Is how

A few other companies, too... I had a whole list. So Thorn is gonna check that out.

It just takes one person to prove a mood. I had a list of 17 companies that day then 26 more over the next week that I had this nag on while I was "picking on" Crime the McGruff Dog

Since I kept saying it that way in 2016 and I never ever messed up his name before they took down a list of companies associated with him according to my feelings and it was an unusual list.

So this man has likely saved nearly 30 times as many children as he could have hoped.

We will soon find out. In return he's to receive a mansion an economically stable brand new automobile. Fully paid.

Because I've dreamed of him, his voice and everything. He truly is an Earth Angel.

For nearly half a decade he's been the solution to my night terrors. I know why ask those children cried. I want to cry, too, And my tears are warm.

The children were mutated and mutilated. Arms cut off and sewn onto their foreheads and given all sorts of horrible viruses and drugs.

Tree just gave them their own fresh bodies. Replicas. Some back to the age/look they were kidnapped at, some slightly grown, according to the agreement between child and parent whichever they liked the sound of best, the child's preference being the ultimate decision maker. Their DNA4U will state and show they are replicated due to the reasons of faster healing and less overall damage that would cause future problems plus they got upgrades like bullet proofing, extra speed, strength increases, stuff like that. And extra extra heavy COVID19 instead of 3 feet you'll get it at 10 feet bad enough to kill you nearly instantly.

But they were horribly mistreated, starving, mental and physical torture, so much.

So I know to talk to the one rare person in the World that could save them and did was certainly very good heart and soul medicine.

So I'm glad he called me again and I didn't answer and Brian called back from the plane.

Yes of course. He flew to Enid then China then Hong Kong... You can make a man retire but you can't ever make a man quit. And I'm glad. Just so those kids could talk to their hero.

So lucky. Of all the hundreds of people working there he's been there only 6 months. And he took that initiative to just check...

Today living kids was 443.

Dead was 198,675 which tree ghosted back to life. (Gave new bodies)

Nearly a quarter of a million children.

Times 3 is 600k then add a zero. Looking at maybe 6 million kids and young adults...

Tree estimates 400M

So a huge round of applause and a right tight hug.

And he deserves amazing amounts of pats on the back because that list would just sat around keeping dusty.

This is that old fashioned detective work like sitting at a gas meter while some one is down trying to find out how to save people (aliens included) from dying in a gas chamber and they're up there making sure that gas isn't turned on to kill the girl doing all the work -- he couldn't hear people downstairs through the street and i could get the truth out easier and faster before they even knew and I was always happy to get the news while he was just mad and angry. So i was the better to go. Cause everyone was always happy to see me. Cause I was always super nice and all interested in what they were doing.

Now unfortunately not so much.

But Charles was starting to get nightmares after my list and had came up with 14 more companies from coming from the same way i had came up with my list... So he talked to some the other people that felt creeped out about the assignment I insisted on doing and they also all added each two and then some kept a private list... Which they slowly added after verifying the company was then clean.. It started in 2013 these bad dreams.

So every time it happened or they started their nightmares they added to the list.

Overall 642 companies we dreamed of or felt or somehow had a psychic connection to. I dreamed of kids and old people and women. Some people only dreamed about men. Some just kids.

The companies we have left is 642 to check out as they hadn't had yet done any bad and no dreams or any thing has came up since...

Which isn't happy, we now know, but good news is whatever bad has happened we can fix is super special and magical ways.

So we have Thorn, CIA, Military, some FBI and some others to check what's been going on and see.

So that's about 8 Trillion that have been affected. But at least 6 Trillion have already been retrieved.

So this one single person has done the miraculous. The biggest miracle we have been waiting for on a personal level. For me its been 7 years but 6 since 9 other people started having their dreams affected and the lists began.

So 10 of us with nightmares. Night terrors. Waking up screaming or shaking or scared. And not knowing why but having a name, a company label. Sometimes or often a place on a map... As close to the actual GPS coordinates of longitude and latitude. Wake up listing numbers for no reason. Numbers that make no sense N 316941027865389421. Over and over.

Brian would look at me "what the fuck are you trying to do Morse code?"

"I'm trying to sleep thank you very much. Alan and Naomi. 38652361 I think you just messed me up"

One person. One person can make a difference. That's all it takes. One person.

One person to make sense of all these nightmares.

We don't need to be saved from them... They didn't bother so much... We could wake up. Be safe in our beds. Joke it out.

But there's people. Innocent children. Innocent adults that wake up into real living nightmares every single day.

And one person today made the phone call to make thst difference to about 200,000 kids and over 400,000 parents. And siblings and grandparents. Friends.

Just today he changed the world for at least a million whom now have a missing child come home.

Made one million hearts smile and backs release tension and sorrow.

And now we're looking at 2 trillion lost people. Who have kids. Who have parents. Grandparents. Friends.

Were gonna have at least 6 trillion hearts heal then there's soulmates so that's gonna be 12 trillion

Due to one phone call. That was all I needed.

I had heard him say he couldn't find his soulmate... And he didn't go trying to save her or find her today

He knew it was just kids.

But he knew it was missing kids because the people getting ID kits were told not to call the police only call the dog. He could see clearly kids were being abducted and they had a rating system on "easy to kidnap to hard" and the easy were always reported within weeks.

He knew it was his civil duty to call and report it somehow... But he didn't know to who or how.. Who would take it seriously.

This crazy lady might...

Im very sensitive to red flags. He didn't even have to explain. I was already on it in less than 2 minutes.

So the world is so lucky to have him and the kids today so lucky to be in Hong Kong when we just busted 600k China's citizens home.

I mean you can't get more miraculous than that!!

You would think...

But leave it to the true McGruff the Crime Dog to make sure it did.

Because it did.

Tree will update us later how extremely far this miracle went

From one person hoping and praying and taking that leap of faith.... After 10 following their true instincts and intuition.

Intuition is so important you guys. If you hadn't understood why i hope now you finally get it.

Last night I trusted mine and we pulled 13 million from slavery. That's 26 million directly affected with soulmate syndrome. Then parents that makes it times two. So 52 million then grandparents and kids...

Then one person trusted his. And kaboom an estimated 12 Trillion frowns are gonna turn upside down.

Then we are getting these bad guys off the streets, out of their homes, immediately. Hopefully they're checked thoroughly and then killed. I'm done with this baby sitting shit. Back to good ole South Texas and manual strangulation in vans after being kidnapped...but now technology has made it so much different. Much simpler to catch someone in the act. And fuck this court system, it's WWIII. Its military. We will find them guilty without a reasonable doubt and simply kill them.

There is no fucking reason over 18 million people were kidnapped in late 2019 (after October) or in any fucking time in 2020.

What is the point of a trial? Those people whom went to jail in 1990 for 20 years for kidnapping are doing it again. I sent 700 to jail. 36 are actively kidnapping. 642 are financially benefiting. The remaining are probably dead. 12 people.

Tree says i make him laugh. They are dead.

So out of 700 they're dead or kidnapping or in the human trafficking market.

So, there is No change and no Rehabilitation. There is PROOF.

So human trafficking ass holes y'all can thank those 688. Because now you're all just gonna fucking die.

What are you gonna do to me? Not a dam thing. That's what. So think about bull shit. Cry about your stupid life. I don't care.

But I'm taking all your money to pay the victims and im killing you, human traffickers.

And you ain't doing shit about it.

And those about to be trying to hurt someone to retaliate. I already put alerts on you.

So when you're pushed out a plane in the middle of no where so wild animals can eat you... Well don't complain to me. Animals need to eat, too

And surviving good humans. Don't worry... When the bodies hit the ground. They pretty much explode so they're just ground meat basically and bones crush and they wre just big piles of food. They don't look human

So some bear isnt going to come out the mountains and be all "man I just ate something that looked like you and was mighty tastey!" The bodies are unrecognizable.

If you're curious... Idk if you still can.. We used to can look up bodies that had been tossed or jumped out of Windows. Back in 2000 I found a website and I would go through and examine them and see which were pushed and which had jumped

I could tell the difference. Anyway if they're in Google you'll see they don't look human. They're pretty gross -- some do -- so ew be careful but from the plane height trust me they do not.

And its very careful with software to show no damage to trees or animals will occur.. And the software is very intelligent and cautious and only certain types of people can access it. Like a kidnapper can't turn on the computer and see where and how. But a Clark Kent or Louis Lane or someone can. But if an evil Donald Trump sits down next to, the software will shut down. Immediately. And lock out any user until hes removed.

I'm not fucking dumb. Sometimes I just don't know what to do and Need an Earth Angel to make one phone call

Or a guilty person to confess. Or a clue. A bad dream. A nightmare in my sleep. Or being in the right place at the right time. Like when the kidnappers gas up at night at the gas station.

Otherwise I'm fucking brilliant. Overprotective and caring.

So any one tries to dump innocent people out of planes, the door simply will not open. Magic it is called. Its already happened. And it will not happen again.

Anyway for all the 007 Peirces that can stab so hard it hurts and heals at the same time.

This one is for you.

Thank you!

Lets really bust a move on that intuition. Its a life saver.

Man we are so so so so so so lucky today!!!

I couldn't be more thank ful!!

All of our military and cops that are ready and qualified and remember how to rescue from bunkers.

We need y'all. Don't forget to stay safe and well.

And our essientals and just our stay homers.

And beach goers.

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day Forty

I woke up with the rays of an early sunrise hitting my corneas. 

I didn’t sleep with my sleeping mask since it’s the weekend and I don’t need to block out the sunlight. I fell asleep pretty early, around 21:30. I was just done with yesterday’s shit at work and later with my bloody sinuses. 

I got up and made coffee and a breakfast burrito and finished watching ‘Elite’ season 2 on Netflix. That shit was gripping! Those guys know how to tell a fucking story and help you get lost right in it. Now I need to binge something else. 

I went to school to pick up the student diaries that I still need to mark and then I went to the hospital to see about my sinuses. As it turns out, I have acute rhinitis. Considering that the school nurse told me I had three weeks ago after that drunken night at a club, I probably should’ve done something about it sooner. I’ve had rhinitis before, years ago maybe, but I honestly forgot what the symptoms were. Anyway, I have some proper medicine now, so hopefully it will help. 

I got home from seeing a doctor after 13:00 and picked up a few groceries in the neighbourhood before heading home. Then I spent the afternoon doing laundry and making dinner, which is grilled salmon. Then I napped for two hours, which was nice. I’ve been barely been able to sleep well at night, much less take a nap, since I broke up with X. It felt good to let my body and brain take a much deserved break from thinking and distracting myself. 

I still felt kinda blue though. 

I dreamt about X early this morning. 

It was weird. She was there and so was ML, my head manager at work. The three of us were walking through a random building trying to get somewhere. Finally, we made our way into this apartment where I guess we were supposed to be staying for the night. X wanted to put a spare toilet roll in the bathroom (random, I know, lol), but ML insisted that she should do it, which is in keeping with her OCD, controlling behaviour. So while ML fussed with things in the apartment, X and I laid down on a bed in one of the rooms and got ready to sleep. But we were being giggly and playful with each other, mocking ML in hushed tones. Then all of a sudden, the mood shifted into something quieter and more intense. We were just about to lean in and kiss and that’s when I woke up. 

So while I binge-watched ‘Elite’, I turned on my VPN and Facebook-stalked X again. This time, I saw that she had written a few posts since we broke up. Nothing sad or depressing like I hoped it would be, just regular stuff about things she’d seen and news she’d heard about. But there was one post of hers that triggered me in a bad way. She asked her nearest and dearest to comment on her post and describe her in one word. 

Naturally, a few single words cropped up in my head, the nicest of which were ‘conceited’ and ‘liar’. I was sorely tempted to comment on X’s post and say exactly that or tell her that it’s difficult to summarise her in only word since I had a few bad words or sentences to sum her up with. 

For a moment, I was so sure I was going to do it.

And then I just...didn’t. 

What would the point have been anyway? It might’ve felt good to hit X where it hurts for a brief moment, but then I’d just be the pathetic ex-girlfriend who’s obsessed with her and has to keep butting into her life at every turn. I thought X had taken all of my dignity during our relationship and after the break-up; I’m thankful to say that actually isn’t the case. 

After that, I turned my attention to our old messages in Facebook Messenger. I guess I desperately wanted to find a conversation, any conversation, that was normal and filled with love. I didn’t want any of our recent conversations that held only secrets and lies. So I scrolled and scrolled until I gave it up as a lost cause. It’s becoming harder and harder to keep any good memory of X alive when she filled so many of them with her ridiculous, dramatic crap over time. 

When I started getting ready to go to the hospital, I first had to look for my hospital book. It’s basically a booklet filled with your personal information and pages for doctors to write prescriptions on when you visit the same hospital. It seems like quite the trend here in China. So I had to hunt through my personal papers where I keep my passport and other contracts. 

That’s when I stumbled on the old airplane ticket stubs I kept from my first trip to visit X in her hometown. After that, it wasn’t long before I found her love letter from the 5-star hotel we stayed in for the night. It’s a beautiful letter, a ghostly echo of the love that X used to have for me. Moments like this remind that what X and I had wasn’t all a lie. But it doesn’t exactly help me either when all I want to do is move on and stop pretending I don’t still love her. 

Because I still do. Love her, that is. 

I’d love to be that person who burns the world to the fucking ground after someone hurts me and automatically stop caring. But that’s just not how I was built. I feel things intensely, good or bad. And I’m probably going to keep on loving X until distance and time helps me to finally stop. 

As it turned out, my fucking hospital book was already in my backpack from the last time I visited the same hospital. So I didn’t have to put myself through some of my stupid, emotional turmoil over X. 

Meh, c’est la vie. 

D sent me a few voice messages during the day because a young girl she’s mentoring is coming to stay with her for the weekend. And it was surprising because D expressed some minor concerns about letting another person stay in her home and worrying about things like stowing away her valuables. This girl she’s mentoring seems ok in my books and I told her that much. And I also apologised to her for making her feel more paranoid than usual because of my experiences with X. This is why I’ve been hesitant to tell too many people about basically being cat-fished by my own girlfriend. I don’t want to put them on their guards against people in their lives just because I got duped. The whole business was really shitty and it will take me a long time to get over it, but I’m gonna try not to let it besmirch any feelings I have about other people from now on. 

Sure, there are a lot of wolves in sheep’s clothing nowadays, but there are also still good and kind people in the world. And if I’m lucky, I just might be able to surround myself with more people like that and keep the haters and fakers at an arm’s length. 

So yeah, a lot of food for thought. But it felt nice to have a quiet day at home. I got up from my nap earlier and made some steamed vegetables to go with the salmon for dinner. Then I still need to exercise; I have two days left with my workout programme. I haven’t been able to finish a lot of things lately, but I’m determined to finish this at least. And after that, I’ll take more time to rest and get over this bout of rhinitis. 

Normally, I would call my mom tomorrow to say hello and check in. But after her recent bout of bad behaviour towards P, I’m just not in the mood for her bullshit, pretending everything is fine when it’s not. At least P is having fun living with G; I’m glad they have each other to rely on. 

As for me, I’m not really sure what’s going to happen next. I’m just waiting for this melancholic cloud to go away so I can feel like my normal, happier self again. I don’t know that if that happiness will entail any future romances; right now, a part of me hopes it won’t. Fairytales are for people who don’t know how to be happy on their own. 

As for work, I’ve officially checked out. I’ll prepare my lessons and get my students through their final assessments, but that’s it. I’m not going to play at being a real teacher because that isn’t what expected of me at school. I’ll still be nice to my students and even give them rewards when they do their work, but I’m not going to do more. I need to get away from all of this and just work at a place where I can be myself and be proud of what I’m doing. 

I just want to get through this year with enough cash in my bank account and enough tenacity to see me through each day. 

[youtubexreader]

i n s e c u r e // aleks x punk/emo!reader

Hey, sorry I haven't posted an imagine since dec 25th 2015. (Yikes) I can't thank this person enough for reaching out and letting me know what they thought of my work, if it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't have posted anymore, but I really cracked down on myself to focus on things I love doing, and that being writing for you guys. (Also I'm sorry it took so so long to finish and post this, the request was fun to write- I just have been continuously been getting non-stop, back to back, extremely sick out of nowhere and also for things I don't think I could have prevented- it has been a really rough time for me and I've been under a lot of stress and pressure for my age.) hopefully it's somewhat good or moderately enjoyable, ESPECIALLY for the AMAZING AND RAD REQUESTER ILYSSSSM Much love as always! Keep sending in requests, and share your thoughts! / reblog to share the luhv of ff <333 Xx. !request: “ Thank you so much!!! Could i please have an Aleks x Punk/Emo Reader please? I dont mind what i will let you choose Again i love your work ❤️❤️❤️ ” (again thank you to the person who requested this, I didn't know if you were comfortable or not with your blog being directly @'ted. Regardless! Much love to you, thank you for your amazing amazing amazing support and incredible patience!) Warnings(ish idk??): swearing, slight sexual themes, self esteem issues. ((sorry I don't know how to actually do posts with cuts in them/posting without good formatting, I'm still using mobile.)) - - - - - "Thanks for the ride-" he started, but you cut him off with a "don't mention it-". You pulled out of the driveway of aleks' house and made your way to the 'boonies', not with much excitement. It was just early enough with the time change to need a pair of shades. 'Sonofa-' and with that, you realized you left yours on your kitchen counter. 'Great' you thought, thinking you'd be able to look decent and have everything together so this wouldn't have to be a more agonizing ride than it was planned out to be. But clearly that wasn't going to happen. It was agonizing because of your own mind. It was making this 'internship' harder than it should. Constantly having to deal with an overwhelming amount of editing, filming, and have a cute colleague drive your blood pressure through the roof whenever they're around was really bringing you to the brink of insanity. "So." He started "You're different." Just that half of a statement made you want to jump out of the car. You didn't want to play this game; the whole 'get to know why she acts that way', 'dresses this and that way', 'simply breathes that way'. It was crystal clear to say the least, that in your mind he's way out of your league. There's no reason for him to try to get to know you? What's he pushing this for? Just to be a dick to the dumb intern? All of these thoughts running faster and faster, only adding to your groggy state. Your knuckles were practically white from your grip on the wheel. Somehow, Aleks noticed that. You can feel his eyes on your hands, so you try to ease up. But he'll never seem to make things easy. "Uu-h yeah, I guess.-" trailing off, Aleks still had his eyes set on you. "I mean not in a bad way- oh god..." sighing in defeat almost, letting his head fall back on the headrest as if he had a migraine or broke his great grandmother's fine china. "It's fine, I get it." You replied simply, trying your hardest to not fall into your insecurities. Whatever he saw that was "different" made you worry. What was it exactly? The band tees, the consistent hair dye changes, the piercings, the stacked amount of bracelets on your arms of random ones you've come across, and ones with your favorite band's logos on them? As soon as the car was parked, you hopped out, grabbing your bag and heading towards the barn while hitting the lock button on your keys as soon as you heard aleks' door close. 'Please ease up- just today?' You mentally bargained with Christ. He's probably too busy, and that leaves you with the one and only Satan. He didn't even know he was doing this to you, and you'd figured that was possible but just had found it easier to believe he did it on purpose. Aleks was at his desk, which was facing yours, just humming and doing the random subconscious things he always does. Persona pushed aside, he had so many features that were meant to be framed in an art museum. When he's concentrating, he always wrinkles his forehead and rests his chin on his hand. Both of you had been stuck with editing a lot more than usual, and James had something to do so he left early. The quiet background music you had playing on another tab ended, you didn't bother with putting on another song, you were so close to finishing the last couple post-rolls. Aleks was still in front of you, probably almost done too- you just stared at your screen till you heard him start quietly saying something in Russian. He was so out of it- If someone was just walking in it would seem like it was just you watching carefully, as if you knew what he was saying. But really, it was you distracted completely by him slowly gliding his tongue across his bottom lip and biting down on it out of habit. The sound of his feet shifting across the cold floor made you look back at your screen, but his voice- whatever he was saying, you had no clue. But it was hot as fuck, yet also so soothing. Letting your head rest on your hand you instinctively let your eyes rest as well. You've never breathed deeper than in that moment. "y/n?" He carefully whispered, looking across the desk to see you, looking peaceful and completely at ease. His breath was stuck in his throat instantly. He would've taken a picture of you so he could remember what you looked like when you're not tense and stressed but your eyes quickly opened. "You look tired as hell, if you have more post-rolls left I don't mind finishing them for you tomorrow." He said almost in a whisper; like he was afraid of bothering you. "Hmn-? Oh! N-no, I was finished a little bit ago, I must've dosed off." "You look like you chugged a bottle of zquil, y/n..." Eyebrows raised and all, you realized that you were indeed the most tired you've ever felt, Lack of sleep to be the blame- the third night without sleep to be exact. "You can call shotgun, I'll drive. C'mon, it's the least I can do. Besides paying for gas money until I can get my car done." He continued giving you hopeful brown eyes that you were quick to avoid. You were easily convinced to say the least. How could you not be? "Fine, I guess..." you said grabbing your jean jacket and backpack. Quickly turning off lights and set ups, you both walked out and locked the door in a slight hurry, the temperature dropped, no surprise. Keys in one hand you passed them to him, your hands briefly touching. "Hope you know how to drive a stick shift." You said hoping he couldn't see your flushed cheeks as you strolled slyly over to the passenger side keeping your eyes down. Quickly hopping in, you rubbed your arms up and down trying to create some warmth. He chuckled, his breath visible in the cold air. 'I'm so fucked' you thought. "Hm?" Aleks murmured stopping what he was doing and staring directly at you. "What? Did I say something?" You asked, trying so hardly to play it off. "Well, I guess not-" he looked back down with a smirk and turned the keys igniting the engine. "Do you have an aux cord?" He asked "Uh no..." "Do you always just drive in quiet?" He pressed. "Ha, no!? I just have a lot of uh..." squeezing your eyes shut to avoid getting worked up. 'CDs, y/n?! Just say you are an avid CD collector because you deeply appreciate your emo phase and the bands that had been apart of it!' You thought. 'Stop being such a baby!' Your conscious scolded. You wanted to curl up in a ball. There's no way to avoid it anymore, you sold yourself to the devil when you listened to 'I don't love you', by my chemical romance. You'd rather be in a passenger seat with your worst ex right now rather than deal with his judgement. "Oh! You have cds? Are they in the console? Dude, that's so sick! I have a ton of cds too!" He exclaimed with a childish but sincere excitement. Every single word flew over your head. He began to lift up your console that was stashed full of your life's collection of ridiculous cds, special edition copies, ep's. Oh god... As he scooted your elbow off of it and went on to open it, you inhaled and let your head fall against the window. 'FUCKFUCKFUCK-' you screamed repeatedly over and over in your head, but you were stopped by the sound of the console quickly closing. "I'm so stupid," he muttered, letting out a sigh. "Just- uh, get comfortable and shit, and uh try and sleep- that was my reason for driving you-" he spoke almost mad. His previous excitement completely gone. Just a douchey outer shell of a content creator you used to admire. Maybe he really isn't the way you thought he was, that cute, rowdy, and funny personality who would give even a weirdo like you a chance. Or even a friendship. "Aleks, you really don't need to! I'm okay, really, you look much more tired-" you stopped when you saw his stare saying all too much. "Okay, fine. I'll try and sleep." You groaned turning on your side facing the window as best as you could. Your hood helped a lot, but still it was cold as heck. You drifted off quickly, the last thing you remember seeing was rain drops rolling down the window. "You call the shots babe, I just wanna be yours, secrets I have held in my heart, are harder to hide than I thought, maybe I just wanna be yours, I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours, wanna be yours, wanna be yours, wanna be yours..." your eyes blinked open slowly trying to reassess what's happening. You see the familiar street lamps passing by and you slowly breathe again, happy to almost be home. You smiled at the realization that Aleks had been singing the entire time, and it definitely wasn't the radio, no one has played this since it was big only meaning he went through your cd stash. His voice distracted you, making your stomach giddy like it does when you're on a trampoline, not knowing how high up you're going, and the unknowing feeling of when you're going to catch ground, over and over. Finally the car was parked, ignition turned off. And a tired Aleks gently rubbed your arm up and down in an attempt to bring you back to consciousness, although you definitely already were. You also realized the familiar fabric laying over you; it was his jacket. Your heart melting, you attempted to fake stirring in your sleep, not giving up the act that easily. An audible sigh was heard from your left, Then the obvious jingling of keys, and then another sigh. "y/n/n, What's wrong?" He asked out loud. Him calling you by your nickname hit you in your gut. No one does that. "Huh?" You asked, pretty confused. "Why do you always do shit to push me away?" Now he had your full attention. "What are?-" "No!" He loudly stopped you. What's happening with him? "Why do you always push me away?" He asked again while attempting to keep you in your seat with his awfully harsh eyes glaring into your own. "What the fuck Aleksandr?" You pushed yourself up grabbing the door handle and seeing he purposely locked the door. Great. "I- I just want to know why, you won't ever talk to me normally, you can barely tolerate a drive with me? What's your fucking deal?!" He was yelling too loud for you to even think. Your fingers pulling at your roots out of frustration. Not even feeling the pain it was causing to your head. "Have you never felt insecure, aleks? You don't get it! Why the fuck do you care anyways?! Just so you can hear someone say how much they like you? Or how much better you are than them?-" by now tears tinted black were streaming down your face uncontrollably. All the pent up frustration and feelings were unveiled and put on show like a trophy case. If you weren't so sleep deprived and out of your head you'd shut up by now. "You know what? Tomorrow, I'll just turn in my r-" With no warning, and ridiculous speed, he had his hand impatiently bringing your face to his, he let his other hand take your chin, tilting it up towards his soft and smooth lips. He didn't bother being polite or delicate, he was just as pissed off at you for no clear reason too. He made sure to let you know that- he wasn't easing up, and you couldn't care less. His lips were saying things that words never could, but in sync, as if you completely were on the same page. He'd bite down on your bottom lip harshly and use his teeth to pull on it, then suck on it again and again until you'd moan uncomfortably. Groaning he grabbed your hips and managed to sit you on his lap while not leaving your mouth alone. You impatiently kissed and bit all along his jaw, the smell of his aftershave burning through you, watching his head tilt back and eyebrows furrow. His hands weaving in your hair, pulling slightly, continuously panting against your mouth as he let your weight fall against him, foreheads resting on another. Your skin was dotted with bruised and pulsing teeth marks. His pale skin practically mirrored yours. "Ah f-fuck y/n-" he moaned in your ear, tightening his hold on you. He shifted in the seat from under you trying to get you to stop subconsciously writhing your hips back and forth, not doing anything other than holding you tighter, and letting his head fall into your neck when you'd stilled finally getting the message. He clearly was trying to control himself, he wouldn't take advantage of this; no matter how much he enjoyed being under you. "y/n? Can I take you to your room? Not like to fuck! But to sleep with- shit, next to you?" He asked, eyes rolled back. "Yes- yes, please... Are you okay, Aleks? I'll get off of you-" "Ah. No, fuck- just don't move for a second babygirl, okay?" He hissed grabbing your hips as you arched yourself forward. Smirking, you nodded in his neck, though the nickname he gave you just made you want to do your worst, he probably hadn't even realized he said that, but damn. You breathed heavily and stayed as still as you could so he could catch his breath. Soon enough he finally got out of the car, and swiftly picked you up, not without kissing you harshly on your lips, before picking you and his backpack up, and made his way to your bedroom. He laid you down softly, and set his backpack down, taking of his shirt and jeans in the process as you did somewhat the same. He made his way around the bed and crawled under your covers, his needy hands reaching out for your sides to embrace, you could feel how easy it was to reciprocate his feelings. Which you did. He pulled you tightly flushed against him, his cold fingertips tracing up your sensitive sides with his head resting into your neck and hair. Any movement would probably just grind on him- which was fun, but both of you were so content being just like this, it could wait till morning. Never thinking you'd be in the same bed as him washed over you, and his cold breath and movements, it was hard to close your eyes from trying to burn the mental picture of him. He looked so peaceful and worry free. His arms tied around your back as his chest became the best pillow you'd ever had. Getting to stare at his tattoos felt like a blessing. Tracing the outlines of some and relaxing to the feeling of his breathing was something you can't help but want to be able to do forever. Occasionally while admiring his entire being a kiss would be planted here and there on his chest. This went on till he moaned and slowly opened his brown eyes to only be a couple inches from yours. He trailed his hand ever so slowly up the outside of your left leg to pull it up on his waist. Feeling every part of him as he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into his chest and letting his lips dwell all over. "y/n?" he asked in a rough voice, "Why didn't you want me to look in the console?" He softly asked "…well, it's just embarrassing. I don't want you to see my cds and shit because I know you would hate me even more and peg me as some punk ass if you saw how many band posters I have-" "Wait- you think I hate you? y/n, of all things to get insecure about- your music taste is nothing that you should be paranoid about." He said leaning on his elbow looking down at you "I love a lot of the same bands you do- I just thought I'd look like a tool if I walked up to you and sounded like a dick only talking to you about one band on your shirt. I'd been wanting to ask you out- I just didn't have the balls to make a move till last night..." His sentence was cut short by your mouth on his, stopping his banter of self consciousness made you understand how ridiculous your own was. It was definitely reassuring to hear him say that he did like your He sat on top of you quickly, to whisper "my taste in music iS YOUR FACE!-" as loud as he could, which in turn, started a pillow fight of attempting to suffocate each other with a pillow. Also making you both late for work, let's just say you regret not having time to put makeup over the bruises that littered your neck. You two would never hear the end of that.

[cosmic-imbalance]

Daddy Issues!

me being overly dramatic again and I realise I repeat the same drama over and over and over. Why the fuck do i do this. whY.

“Sometimes women had no father growing up, and so they chase the white-dress fantasy from a false belief that it will offer protection from sadness. Other times, we had over protective fathers, and so we either find someone similar or someone who is the extreme opposite. These types of relationships between fathers and their little girls end up turning into big girls choosing emotionally distant or despondent men, because that is what they are used to.”

Reflection:


Daddy was great growing up, although a bit absent in early childhood. In part it was due to work commitment and a desire to escape from China. I have him to thank for that. As much as it was a bit disconcerting, I’m glad I grew up in a politically healthy environment. Anyway, he was great otherwise. He taught me a lot of things. He thought me to think independently and ask critical questions. He taught me not to trust the media, not to put too much effort and faith in friendships, not to be afraid of anything. He let me try new things, sip alcohol, travel the world, and laugh at stupid shows. We talked about science, books, society and culture. He showed me the beauty of the Pacific Ocean, the beauty of poetry, music, calligraphy, Renaissance art, Beijing Opera, and talked often about the keys to success. He made it known that emotional intensity was a positive thing, particularly in art, although he always scolded me for crying too much. 


Note: I’m not trying to glorify brokenness, just reflecting on some of my adult role models and how I can learn from their dysfunctional behaviour to have successful relationships of my own and in the future, hopefully be a better parent. This post is a healing response to recent events through which I realised how volatile I can be when certain behaviour triggered me to think about daddy, and I thought I could do with putting everything down in words. 

I think my primary daddy-issues are: 


1. He was not emotionally supportive. There’s a difference between giving someone the harsh truth and putting someone down, and he always crosses the line. I think daddy had ego issues himself, so it was very important for him to make sure people “respect” him, or at least say they do. I think he grew up basking in a lot of grown-up attention because of his intelligence, so that was something he held on to for a long time. So when he traumatically drilled those math problems into you until you cried every night before the competition stuff you went for, where those problems didn’t even vaguely come out, it was so that he could feel validated. It was NEVER that you’re stupid. He only meant for you to feel that way because he was not a very good teacher. Not a very good communicator. His tragedy is that no one in his life every told him all of this because he was never vulnerable to criticism, always exuding that alpha-male confidence that either drew people in with admiration he fed on, invited people with sweet tongues who used him as a resource, or pushed people away. Also, don’t believe him when he says you’re not “creative” enough to be a musician, only a music technician. He only wants you to focus on academics because he has an unfulfilled American Dream/PhD Dream. Don’t believe him when he makes snap judgements about mom and you or anyone either. Don’t hear his criticism about your self-esteem; it can’t be drilled, only built. The veneer of self-assurance is so tough to see through when you’re young and impressionable, but gradually, you’ll learn to distance yourself from it.


2. The relationship between daddy and mommy was not the healthiest relationship model for me. Firstly, he’s strongly inclined to indicate that he is a Roman Catholic, and that that was the basis of his fidelity and monogamy. Why not simply because you love mommy? It’s all about him, apparently, and his engagement with his religion in this way didn’t feel too healthy for my family. Because it’s only three of us, I don’t have other relationship models most of the time. I think my Lao Lao and Lao Ye had a much healthier relationship. Although they have their own bickers and fights, like Lao Ye’s post-retirement obsession with “work”, the basis is always respect. Daddy brags a lot, doesn’t seem to fancy mommy as smart as himself, passes quick, unsolicited opinions on her choices, expressed love by buying her gifts he liked (he’s gotten better, he does a lot more houswork now), cooks to please guests rather than please mommy and me, hardly affirmed her, and when I was younger, called her his big daughter. (?!) I guess mommy had reason to slip me the suggestion, which I picked up, that I should try sex before marriage. Mommy probably didn’t grow up with a very strong daddy figure either, since she spent much of her childhood with her grandma instead of mommy and daddy, and daddy loved his work slightly more than his family and was very lax with the kids, perhaps not setting sufficiently clear standards, which may be confusing. So she, in a whirlwind of wild youth, rebelled against her mummy to marry my daddy. Anyway, I think mommy had grown a lot stronger over the years and I’m proud of her for standing up to the tyranny of daddy, with her new fashion and dress sense, new job, her ever firm belief in a fit and healthy lifestyle, all the time never having the need to impose her will onto her partner. Although that fight in which she aggressively reminded him of her right leaving him in a why-not question to herself, right in front of me, was uncalled for. I also think that daddy’s alcohol problem was not so much in that he drinks a lot, but more of the fact that he drinks alone, never/hardly with mommy. I’m glad I didn’t model after this behavior. Growing up watching them, the roles of men and women in relationships were pretty confusing to me. Maybe that’s why I preferred books talking about animals, lmao.
 We humans are complicated.

So we reflect on our own daddy issues. We identify how our daddy figures may have been dysfunctional. We try not to let ourselves become the same kind of dysfunctional. Very importantly, we try not to fault our daddies because everyone’s human. You can love him without believing him. You can love him but distance yourself from the things he used to do. 


At the same time,


3. In general, men are shite. They get away with a lot more things than women, and society in general is a lot harsher on women. Just google “daddy issues” and “mommy issues” respectively. “Daddy issues” articles, definitions, etc., focus on how the damaged women behave because they had dysfunctional relationships with their daddies. “Mommy issues” articles, definitions, etc., focus on how their mommies were a cunt. That’s some serious double standards here! In a society that’s still culturally patriarchal, the subtle everyday-life reminders that females are inferior can easily get to us and make us question ourselves and the values we hold dear. For instance, when anything sexist comes up and we show our disapproval, we get shut down for being SJWs. We ask ourselves, are we being too sensitive? Are we lacking a sense of humour? Are we just trying to make ourselves feel better/morally superior by calling others out for harmless banter in good fun? Are we really just less strong, less worthy of respect, less socially graceful? No. We need to remind ourselves that, no. We refuse to lower standards. We refuse to accept that behavior harbouring malicious intent towards other human beings can be tolerated for the sake of a laugh. We’re strong and wonderful, and you’re missing out for not appreciating us. 


Girls want to be with the girls, lesbian or not, because it’s a much more equal relationship. But all-girls groups also tend to be annoyingly stereotypical and not my type. It’s hard to find a great group of all-girls, like my squash team were. 
Just like it’s hard to find even one great guy out there, lmao.

Moral of the story:


Keep your spirit and be your own goddamn daddy.
 And go out there and get yourself a/some partner(s) in crime ;)

“Someone who can keep me just a little bit safe, so I can keep him just a little bit wild.”

[chimepunk]

What novels or book series would you recommend?

oh fuckin boy dude so many. 90% of what i read is either gay or scifi/fantasy or both, and some are technically for a younger audience but still great, so thats what most of this is which hopefully you’re cool with here goes

this got super long so i’m putting it under a cut. bolded titles are the ones that i’m super recommending, though i love them all

novels

the coldest girl in coldtown by holly black - vampires! a trans character! a bi character! one of the most novel approaches to vampires in fiction that i’ve seen! 10/10 would recommend

the darkest part of the forest by holly black - again, holly black is one of my favorite authors. this one’s got faeries (the proper vaguely unsettling kind that i’m all about) magical music, girls embracing their sexuality, girls being knights, interesting sibling dynamics, and a super cute m/m pairing

les miserables by victor hugo - ok yeah, it’s like 1400 pages long and historical fiction, but i love les mis a lot ok. it’s gotta be on this list just because it owns my ass. it’s like a old drunk french man trying to tell you about the june rebellion but he keeps getting distracted by things like people’s personal lives, the intricacies of the parisian underworld, and how much he wants to fuck the sewers. it’s wonderful

the night circus by erin morgenstern - magical circus that mysteriously appears for days at a time and then vanishes? a competition between young magicians drawn out for years? a wide variety of fascinating side characters? (i will say that the synopsis available for the book is somewhat misleading, as it’s actually less about our two protags and more about the circus itself. but that’s what makes it so enchanting)

the song of achilles by madeleine miller - retelling of patroclus and achilles story to be explicitly romantic. will make you feel like you’re floating on clouds and then rapidly crush your soul. sort of a happy ending? but it’s still a tragedy. their ending is the same as it was in the illiad so if you’re not prepared for that then maybe don’t read

good omens by neil gaiman and terry pratchett - a demon who’s not very good at being a demon and an angel who just wants to collect his books in peace thank you very much try to sabotage the end of times. absolutely hilarious

fairy and folktales of the irish peasantry by w.b. yeats - the best collection of irish faerie stories by one of my favorite poets. if you like creepy and tricky faeries i would def recommend checking these out

rootabaga stories by carl sandburg - another collection of folktales, this time inspired by the american midwest. kinda weird, kinda zany, very neat

the poison eaters by holly black - a short story collection of faery stories that are sometimes creepy, sometimes touching, sometimes gay. my personal favorite is about a library science student who finds a book collection where the characters come out at night and interact, but they’re all really great

series:

alex rider adventures by anthony horowitz - teenager gets recruited by MI6 as a spy, has incredibly high success rate, gets pretty fucked up along the way but damn those one liners tho, maybe have some self preservation alex? just a thought

all for the game by nora sakavic - about a fake sport called exy that’s kind of like indoor lacrosse but more violent. contains: crime families, found families, an aspec protag, girls kicking ass, unhealthy levels of sass, wonderful slowburn m/m that you can’t even see coming for a long while, and a happy ending for everyone!! i came for the gays and ended up reading all three books in two days. also you can get the whole series for less than five bucks on kindle! (note: tw for rape, physical abuse, torture, ptsd, child abuse, drug use, alcoholism, some use of slurs, mentions of past self harm, mental illness)

artemis fowl by eoin colfer - more faeries, but this time they live underground and are way more technologically advanced than humans. the first book focuses on our anti-hero trying to catch one and steal their gold, and they quickly become allies and solve faerie related cases together!! one of my favorite series growing up, and i cried in the middle of the hallway at school when i finished the last book

camp half-blood series by rick riordan - does rick riordan write a lot of mythology books? yes. do i love them all? yes. neurodivergent kids! kids from a huge range of racial and ethnic backgrounds! queer kids! collect them all! ft. greco-roman mythology and a lot of stupid jokes

emelan series by tamora pierce - ok this is easily one of my favorite series of all time. non-western high fantasy setting (picture greece/turkey, china, tibet, mongolia, scandinavia, etc type settings), following four young mages who have unique kinds of magic as they train and grow their skills and become powerful in their own right. only one of the kids is definitely white (jury’s still out on sandry), one is a lesbian, one is ace, one is pan, all four are raised by a loving f/f couple, body diversity, one of the best found families i’ve ever read, feminism, discussion of racism, classism, cultural identity, war, and so much more. it’s so so good and so under-appreciated please read all of the emelan books 

the dark is rising sequence by susan cooper - full disclosure i have not finished this series yet but i’ve re-read the first book a million times. it’s a neat take on arthurian mythology, with dark forces trying to take over and kids getting shit done

diviners by libba bray - psychic teenagers in 1920s new york! i’m a slut for prohibition, but these are also super fun and have likable and real characters, and doesn’t only focus on wealthy white people having parties which is nice. the occult! government conspiracies! historical references! genuinely scary situations! it’s rad!

the enchanted forest chronicles by patricia c. wrede - i adore this series so so much. it’s about a princess who’s father keeps telling her that she can’t have hobbies like fencing or cooking or conjugating latin verbs because they’re unladylike and insists that she marry this doofus prince that she couldn’t care less about. so she runs away and volunteers to work for a dragon and proceeds to send away all the princes that try to rescue her. it’s genuinely funny, has a really neat magic system in the later books, great female friendships, cats, dragons who have no time for your gender roles, and wizards who are the most ridiculous group of antagonists you will ever see

the infernal devices by cassandra clare - i really really do not like the author of this series but it also broke me so it must go on the list. if you’re familiar with the mortal instruments or shadowhunters on freeform, it’s set in that universe in the 1870s in london and it’s very steampunk and very angsty and it made me cry a lot

the kane chronicles by rick riordan - see: camp half-blood series but egyptian

fablehaven by brandon mull - oooooh fuck me up i love this series. this is another one meant for slightly younger readers but all of brandon mull’s series are so wildly imaginative and i’m a slut for world building so. the premise is basically that there are secret preserves all over the world that house magical creatures, and five of these preserves have vaults with artifacts that when brought together make a key to this massive demon prison. an evil society called the society of the evening star is trying to get the artifacts to open the prison, and a different group who is allied with the preserves called the knights of the dawn is trying to get to them first to prevent this from happening. there are dragons, light and dark powers, crazy convoluted vaults to get through, and some really cool creatures and characters

beyonders by brandon mull - this guy again! this one’s about a parallel world called lyrian that people on earth can only get to through small liminal windows, and usually can’t get back through. the story follows two kids, jason and rachel, who get stuck in lyrian and end up becoming major members of the resistance against the evil emperor maldor. just like fablehaven, the world building is insane and you’ll fall in love with all the characters. this is yet another series that made me cry in the middle of class when i finished it

the kingkiller chronicle by patrick rothfuss - this is series is long as all fuck and the last book isn’t out yet but it’s my #1 favorite series of all time. i found out about it bc a cashier at a local grocery store held up the line to write it down for me and i never went back. parts of it are achingly, hauntingly beautiful, other parts are hilarious enough to leave you in stitches, others make you want to pull your hair out. there’s sass, recklessness, beautiful and deadly girls, an overwhelming love and emphasis on the importance of music and storytelling, magic that’s more like science, ethnic adversity, student loans, a thing that might be a cow or might be a dragon depending on who you ask, and more quotable lines than you could dream of. the audiobook by nick podehl is also fabulous, and lin manuel miranda is producing and adapting it for the screen and maybe stage at some point in the future!

a modern faerie tale by holly black - guys. i love holly black. almost everything she’s ever written is on this list. this one is fairly self explanatory by the title, but it’s gritty and dark and has those lovely creepy faeries that she’s so great at writing. also a surprising m/m couple in the last book, both of whom are characters in the other two installments. (tw for drug use/addiction, brief sexual assault, and probably other things that i can’t remember right now)

the raven cycle by maggie stiefvater - also in my top 3 favorite series of all time, i cannot begin to describe this series. i first read it while up in the nc mountains which improved the experience to a surprising degree, but it’s stuck with me for the last several years. basically 5 teenagers go in search of a dead welsh king, but along the way there is magic, psychics, ghosts, a sentient forest, dreams becoming reality, curses, teenage shenanigans, classic cars, swearing, church, kisses and not kisses, illict hand holding, a baby crow, bisexuality, a death list, hitmen, and nicknames and it will consume your heart before you know what’s happening to you (tw child abuse, implied sexual assault, substance abuse, dissociation, mentions of past suicide attempts, body horror, gore, and disturbing scenes esp. in the last book)

six of crows by leigh bardugo - a team of criminals band together to break into an impossible fortress, fall in love, con an entire city, and get rich. set in the same universe as the grisha trilogy (which is also good but not as good as soc), this is basically a heist followed by a con, but pulled off by ruthless teenagers and with the help of magic

curseworker trilogy by holly black - crime families, magic that can only done through touch so everyone wears gloves, moral ambiguity, and a twisted romance. one of holly black’s best and most underrated series

baccano! by ryohgo narita - this is a japanese light novel series which has been adapted into an anime, but is much more extensive in print. the plot is extremely convoluted, but an absolute ride spanning several centuries, although the bulk of it is in the 1930s in nyc and chicago. there’s an elixir of immortality, crime families, trains, a solipsistic assassin and his mute assassin gf, serial killers, a demon with a catch phrase, murder, explosions, adorable couples, gambling, a gang leader named jacuzzi who is always terrified, killer corporations, and much much more

no.6 by asuka asano - another japanse series, this time focusing on two boys, one who grew up in a utopian city, the other who grew up outside the walls after the city destroyed his life. they meet when they’re 12 years old, and several years later, they’re reunited when the outsider rescues the city boy from arrest. they, along with a pimp and a nonbinary dog hotel owner, try to expose and overthrow the government. also ft. drag performances, mice who like shakespeare, killer bees, and boys falling in love.

the merlin saga by t.a. barron - my favorite take on arthurian mythology, chronicling merlin as he comes into his power. there’s a vividly magical island, giants, amulets, talking trees, stones that will try to swallow you, a swamp witch, celtic deities, huge wicker hats, poetry, new kinds of fruit, people that are also deer, and human’s long lost wings.

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Hey guys, so I've been spinning my wheels a bit lately so I figured I'd come to get some discussion going and see if it helps.I'm a 29 year old guy living in Bangkok Thailand, living off of money I build up in my earlier years. I sold a popular gaming forum I had started when I was in high school. Just as I did, the real estate market in America collapsed shortly after and a friend convinced me to get into real estate. I became a Realtor and fix/flipped houses for 5 years and it was extremely profitable until too many investors jumped into the game. I bought a few more houses and rented them out to collect passive income. At this point, I got over the $1 million mark and thought I was set. But since then things just haven't been right...I've got 7 real estate properties (A mixture of Single Family, Condos, and Duplexes) back in America that generate consistent rental income, but I also take care of my mom and dad since they're in a pseudo-retirement (they work part-time periodically when they feel like it). 2 are on mortgage, the rest are owned in cash. I also have a decent amount of cash lying around (~$500k) that I haven't found anything cheap enough to invest in. Real estate and stocks are both madly priced and the global economy is in full boom. Debt is rising again around the world, and we're beginning to see inflation. I'm just not sure what to do with it or I'd have it parked in an investment by now. More rentals seems the most likely choice.My passive income basically covers all of my expenses and my parents, including their mortgage, and I'm living a pretty good life in Bangkok. Things are cheap here (part of why I am here) and being of Asian descent, I really prefer living in Asia over America.That's where the roses end. It sounds like a great story and you're probably thinking "what more could this fucker want?!" but honestly, I'm stuck. I've started multiple projects since leaving real estate, and all of them have failed. They've all been passion projects, projects I wanted to do "if only one day I had money". The problem is, passion projects almost always lose money. And, since they are passion projects and I'm not actively creating them on my own (coding/art), it's expensive. I've done mobile games, mobile apps, desktop games, software as a service, and all of them don't seem to work out. Earlier projects didn't work out due to the learning curve, however I now have great connections with software developers, ui/ux, concept artists, etc across Eastern Europe, but ultimately these projects become huge cash drains.It's weird because now that I have a little cash to my name, I try to solve problems with money instead of my own grit, and anyone who is in business knows what that can lead to. A BIG problem I have now days is scale-sight. I'm very good at vision and seeing the potential and scale of things, but the problem is, nothing starts big, everything starts small. I get caught up in the clouds instead of grinding in the dirt.I've also tried ecommerce (China to US market) but the product was a large, heavy, and expensive (lesson learned there, shipping is a SOB). I've literally lost money in EVERY endeavor I've pursued and I feel like a complete fuck. That ~$500k was probably $750-800 prior to all my stupid business endeavors. People say failing and learning is great but honestly, I feel like a bag of dicks.I'm just curious, if you were me, what would you do? I really don't want to get into software/gaming again because there are WAY too many people doing it and if it fails, it goes poof into thin air. Intangible assets are incredibly hard to sell. At least with ecommerce you can recoupe a majority of your investment by liquidating your inventory.Before anyone comes in and tells me how good I have it, trust me, I know. It's part of why my god damn knife is so dull I think. Maybe I'm afraid of failure? All my friends see me and this young rich guy living the dream but I don't feel that way. Hopefully I don't get downvoted to hell.TLDR: I was what I considered "successful" from 17-25 and making good money. After that, every swing I've made seems to have been a complete miss. I don't know wtf is wrong with me. Please send help.