#I admit to being a ''cishet'' and to lying about myself just to try to 'fit in' & 'make friends that we have stuff in common with'.........

[corvustion]

TT:  If you keep talking about how buff and manly you two are, then it's going to get weird.

GC:  I

GT:  Why so?

GC: G4Y

GC: G4Y 

GC: FRU1TY

GT: WHAT

TT: Terezi gets it. 

GT:  Nothing wrong with being buff !!

GT: Because i am buff

GT: And not lying

GT: I dont lie

GT: Never ever

TT:  Yes, but to the point of saying you're buff all the time proves a point that you're trying to be manly and buff just to impress others. Most likely men, and in which that case, makes you gay.

GT: Are you saying im swooning you?

GT: Is that what youre getting at?

GC: G4YS

TT: No. I’m saying that you’re gay.

GT: Projecting

TT:  Not projecting. Just giving you the facts, Jake.

TT:  And the fact is that you're gay, and you're trying to impress other guys with your so called "buff manliness".

AC: :33 < dirk do YOU go to the gym?

TT: No. 

AC: :33 <  THEN QUIT TALKIN WEAKASS!!

AC: :33 < GET FIT OR QUIT IT

TT: Wow, fuck you. 

AC: :33 < yeah uh

AC: :33 < I WISH

GT:  Hhmm no,,, youre projecting i bet in youre head youre all like "i wanna date jake so badly, hes so buff and manly and i just need him to admit hes gay so we can be gay lovers"

GT: And i go

GT: BLUH I HATE GAY PEOPLE

TT: 😕

GT: 💪

TT: The fact that you're trying to accuse me of something so odd makes it seem like you want Me to come out as gay just so that you can laugh at me. When in reality, you're gay and you're putting on a stupid facade that everyone can see through. You're not going to fool anyone by saying you're homophobic, Jake. We know you're gay, and we won't hate you for it either. The fact that you've stalled long enough, continued to try and prove us wrong Plus tell us you're not gay really says something. It's okay to be gay, Jake. Everyone here in this group chat accepts you and we won't mind if you are, but you calling it off and constantly hating on gays won't get you anywhere and it will only hurt you in the long run.

AC:  :33 < hm.................

AC: :33 < mucho texto!!!!!

TT: TL;DR Jake is gay and he won’t admit it. 

GT: i uh

GT:  Okay listen up, i would one hundred precent would laugh at you if you came out as gay, and im not sure where you got this facade thing, all i am is a cishet male and am defending myself from this constant harassment on calling me a homosexual. though i may not be fully homophobic i do find gay people absolutely repulsing, but i would not unfriend someone if i found out they were homo. i am just not gay! theres not much else to it!! sure sometimes i experiment a little but that is simply out of curiosity, and i hate on gay people because i do truly find them repulsing! i would rather be "hurt in the long run" then start supporting the lives of homos.

TT:  Odd how it took you that long to write a response after you said "i uh". Also, still not gay. I'd like to point out that you, in the first place acted gay. It's no wonder you're being called a homosexual (because you are one). I also personally don't see a reason as to WHY you find gay people repulsing and disgusting. What acts do they commit that makes you so bothered by the fact they exist, and why do you think it's any of your business to comment on that if it's not Your life and it's not bothering You in the first place? Or is it the fact that you're just trying to "fit in with the crowd" so to speak? To, in reality, be a gay man that has internalized homophobia and being abused growing up that made you realize the only way to actually be loved is to act like you were straight in the first place. Just because you were hurt and you're gay doesn't mean you can hurt others because of it, English. Like I said, it's okay to be gay. No one here will ever judge you for it. The only reason you're being harassed is because you keep saying you're not gay when you obviously are.

GT:  GAH! FINE IM GAY, YOU BROKE ME, IM SO FUCKING GAY I LOVE MEN AND DICK IN MY FUCKING ASS, CAN WE JUST KISS ALREADY?

TT: Yeah. 

GT:  Slpplspllpsrlpslprlpsrslprsprlsprlsprlpslplplrprlp

GC: :33 <  such purrrassionate homorom

[toonbly]

Oh please do give us the essay I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.. your Freemind content is like kisses directly to my brain 's all so good.

OKAY SO LIKE. quick tw for discussions about internalized transphobia and internalized homophobia

QUICK CLARIFICATIONS: I’m a queer transmasc nonbinary and some of this is projection. A LOT of this is cherry-picking from and overanalyzing little bits of FM canon.

im gonna put this under a readmore to save yalls dashboards

HERES WHY FREEMINDS NARRATIVE IS 10X MORE INTERESTING IF HE’S QUEER:

So some things to cover: We’re cherry picking from canon and MOST of this is based off of fanon interpretations of freemind’s character. i should also clarify that I myself am asexual and nonbinary transmasc (though i only use they/them pronouns), im not entirely sure of my romantic orientation but yknow, obviously im not cishet lol. Some of it’s self projection, some of it is character study, either way I think it’s important to clarify that some of this is my OWN experience and that what im outlining here obviously isn’t the universal queer experience.

SO COVERING CANON. like okay, most of us tend to go down the route of “Freemind is gay/bi/otherwise queer in terms of attraction and he’s just in denial of it” in our freemanverse content and like, if you pick apart the source material there’s canon backing for this! (ie: Freemind saying he can’t wear earrings cause sailors do that and sailors are “kinda gay”, then later going on and on about how he wants to be a pirate and how he should’ve done that instead of being a scientist.) LIKE OKAY, OBVIOUSLY THIS WAS JUST ROSS MAKING A HOMOPHOBIC JOKE AND PROBABLY DIDN’T THINK ABOUT THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS AT ALL. obviously that is the case, but as most freemanverse content does we are casually Throwing That Out The Window and cherry-picking from canon because Freeman’s Mind is full of gross content and we are simply here to take whatever we want to and RUN AWAY AS FAR AWAY AS WE CAN WITH IT. What I’m saying is basically, yeah, there’s some canon backing for Freemind possibly being gay/bi/whatever and just in denial of it due to internalized homophobia and some toxic masculinity issues. In terms of toxic masculinity he constantly brags about how cool and tough he is, makes himself out to be an invincible genius, etc. He very much frames himself as the “Tough man who feels no emotions because ReAl MeN dOn’T cRy.”

That’s basically all we need from canon. Accidental subtext on Ross’s part implying internalized homophobia and Freemind’s constant attempts to frame himself as what a “real man” would typically be considered as resulting of toxic masculinity.

Now moving onto fanon: Many fanon narratives take Freemind’s character and try to give him a redemption or healing arc. Basically the guy learns that he’s allowed to show emotions and that this doesn’t make him pathetic or lesser than anyone else, and usually he does so with the help of those around him (typically the other Freemen, sometimes Eddie, hell sometimes h/lvrai characters like Tommy!) So here we have the narrative of “A man struggling with toxic masculinity and self worth issues learns to better himself, he lets others in and starts to be true to who he actually is strengthening both himself and the connections with the people he loves.” This is an arc I love and have incorporated into a LOT of my works involving Freemind! Hell I think it’s difficult not to take his character into that direction.

But, okay, what does this have to do with Freemind being queer? Obviously I’ve mentioned the internalized homophobia subtext and all that but up until now it seems like I’ve only really mentioned the more emotion-based aspects of Freemind’s arc. Well this is where we get into my own personal interpretation of Freemind’s story.

My version of Freemind is a gay trans man, he realized he was trans sometime in his teens but only came out and transitioned sometime during college. In my version of the story, I think Freemind grew up around a kind of rough crowd. He’d hang out with those sort of boys at school that were just the EMBODIMENT of toxic masculinity, and I think he kind of internalized a lot of what they told him? They told him things like “Boys don’t cry” and “Boys are tough” and “Boys can’t like girly things” and “Boys can’t like other boys, that’s weird.” etc etc etc. He hung out with a rough crowd and didn’t have the best support system at home, and a lot of this resulted in his more egotistical larger than life personality- He acted out a lot both because his peers told him to and because hey, at least it got him some form of attention. He was a smart kid, sure, but that was never really enough to impress anyone around him. He kinda developed this “I’m better than ALL OF YOU” attitude as a defense mechanism, and as he started coming into himself and actually accepting that he was trans he took those things that his peers told him “””real men””” do and don’t do and cranked it up tenfold, just to further prove that he was better than all of them and than he was even more of a “””real man””” than any of them could tell him. He took these toxic view points and internalized them, making them a key point of his personality just so he could prove himself and put himself above others. I don’t think he struggled too badly with internalized transphobia, at least in the “I can’t be trans cause that’d be bad” sense. I think he struggled with it more in the “I have to do all of this or I’m just lying to myself and doing this for attention” sense. Granted, he never held anyone else to this same standard, he’ll never admit it but to him things are always different when it’s him. Sure Freeman and Feetman can have their little boyfriends and do gender nonconforming things, but that’s different, they don’t have to prove themselves for anything, they’re not held on the same pedestal as he is, they’re not Gordon Freemind. It’s different whenever it’s him.

BUT, as he begins to grow and learn and not hold himself to such a high standard, Freemind begins to learn that all of these things aren’t true. He learns that showing emotion, being gender nonconforming, being attracted to men, etc. doesn’t make him any lesser than the others around him and there’s no “different standard” for him JUST BECAUSE it’s him. Hell there’s no different standard for him at all, there never has been, and the people who told him otherwise were just toxic assholes who he shouldn’t have to please in order to exist as himself. As he is, he’s good enough, he’s always been good enough, and allowing himself to be vulnerable and accepting who he is doesn’t make him lesser than those around him.

What I’m saying is this: Freemind’s narrative outlines the journey of a man learning vulnerability and learning to accept himself and allow others into his life. His character arc cannot be complete until he does these things, and in certain stories Freemind’s inability to be vulnerable and accept who he is might become a detriment to his goals and the goals of others around him. If he doesn’t learn to accept himself and open up to others he will fail to achieve his goals. Ultimately it is Freemind allowing himself to open up, accept himself, and be vulnerable that saves the day. Alone, this is already narratively interesting, but if you also mix in the ideas of him being queer in any fashion and learning to accept that and that there’s no “right way” to be himself, it adds a LOT of layers to the narrative. It becomes less a story about some dudebro learning that he’s allowed to feel emotion and more a story about a queer man learning to accept who he is, being proud of who he is, and how allowing himself to be vulnerable contributes to this acceptance. It becomes a narrative about how being open with yourself and others can lead to you discovering who you really are and accepting and loving yourself for it. Freemind’s identity as a queer man becomes DIRECTLY TIED into his character arc of learning vulnerability and allowing himself to make connections and I feel like that’s really important! Sure, not every narrative needs to be about a queer struggle and frankly I don’t like tackling it constantly myself, but Freemind’s story in particular becomes much more interesting under a queer lens especially considering how you could very easily tie the discovery and acceptance of his identity into his general character arc. It’s a story about a queer man learning to love himself and becoming a happier, better person for it.

TL;DR: As a queer transmasc nonbinary myself, I find the idea of Freemind’s narrative being queer incredibly interesting. It’s easy to tie in Freemind’s identity to his character arc of becoming more vulnerable and open about both who he truly is as a person and in an emotional sense, and I think it’s really interesting to make a character’s identity relevant to their arc somehow. Granted, this doesn’t always need to be made the case because queer struggle narratives can get tiring on some queer audiences, but in this specific case I think it’d be an interesting character study. 

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 05.11.20 lb

PEDAL TO THE FLOOOOOR BITCH, BEFORE HUBS COMES OUTTTTTTTTTT *puts on best driving song ever made to motivate her to drive the fuckkkkkkkkkkk awayyyyyyyyy*

riddhima doing big talk about how she saved ragini from a haiwaan and lmaooooo kabir's faaaaaaaaaaaace

DOW DIGGY DIGGY DOW DIGGY DOW DOW INDEED! (that's the evil!kabir theme music, if you didn't know. very catchy. i love it!)

lmao oh riddhimaaaaaaaaaaaa you fucking dumbassssssss

idhar vansh acting like he is BMC and the place is kangana ranaut’s. tod phod nonstopppppp.

oh thank god the vansh whisperer is here.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF YELLING AT HER??!?!?!!?!? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU HAVE ZEROOOOO SECURITY OTHER THAN THIS ONE SUKDIIIIIIIIIIII NURSE WHOM YOU ALREADY KNOW IS EASILY DISTRACTABLE?????????

WHO COULD HAVE COME HEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE angre asks, and bhai already knows.

the one.

the only.

the un-paralyzable.

dang his foundation oxidised as fuck. this is almost bordering on super 30/gully boy type brownface.

angry phone call to ishani. angre mildly being like HEY DON'T YELL AT MY WIFE but too scared to say anything to saale saheb.

coz yup. the gun is out again.

“kabir promise karo ki tum ragini ka poora khayaal rakhoge. bharosa kar rahi hoon tum par.”

snort. butter wouldn't melt in this kameena mouth.

seedhe mooh jhoot kitniiiiiiiii safaiiii se bolta hai. what an adorable psychopath!

one last chance maaring attempt by kabir, saying your mission is done, you don't need to go back to VR mansion.

sis like no bitch i invested months of my life in thisssss i want answerssssssssss to my questions i'll leave once i get them

lol kabir is like cool whatever, it’s your funeral, i gots what i want.

she's apologizing for "breaking his heart" and saying that all this is happening to her now coz she hurt him and he's like pssssssh it's okaaaay aaj achchaai aur insaniyat ki jeet hui hai.

aslkdjlasjdlkasjdlkasjdlkasj I LOVE THIS FUCKER AND HIS HAPPY EVIL FACE

oh boy, this is a murder face if i've ever seen one.

like every good desi kid, first phone call on anything major happening in life is made to mummyyyy.

OMG MUMMY KNOCKED THE NURSE OUT AGAIN WHEN SHE STIRRED OMFG WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU RAISINGHANIASSSSSS WHY ARE YOU ALL LIKE THISSSSSSSSSSS

overconfidence toh dekho ladke ka, had the syringe prepped and all.

"mere private narak mein aane ka shukriya!"

literally 98% of cishet men once they’ve managed to hoodwink a woman into getting involved with them.

AKSLDJSALKDJLKASJDLSAKJLDKJLAS WHY WOULD YOU PARK IN THE FRONT OF THE HOUSEEEEEEEEEEE WHEN YOU'RE HIDING FROM LITERALLY EVERYONEEEEEEEEEE

there's nooooooooooo fucking way she made out of the car and here without him seeing her. unless.............. I'M TELLING YOU SHE HAS AN INVISIBILITY CLOAK FROM HARRY MAMA FROM THE UK.

ishani standing here doing soliloquy about room ki duplicate chaabi. sis stop speech-ing and do your kaaaaaaaam.

ohhhh wow. shady bitch showdown! fight fight fight fight!!!!!!!!

meanwhile vansh and his brokenass ghutna have rolled up and is like CAN YOU TWO  STFUUUUUUUUU

mummy doing last ditch attempt to stall saying lemme bandage you upppppppp, but ...........

nope.

also foundation has unoxidised. noice.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh stop screaming like a fucking unhinged bearrrrrrrrrrrr-lion-tRex.

ta daaaaaaaaaaaah!

lmao wtf that nurse went away with zerooooooooooo questions as to why she was assaulted multiple times by this crazyass family.

nowwwwwwwwwwwww he's scary. when he's not saying anything. see????? it's alwaysssssss less scary when someone's making a big fuss. you look like a child having a tantrum. ice cold silence is always what makes me wanna pee myself from fear.

OH GOD SHE HAD A LEAF IN HER HAIR

skjdslkjflsdkjflsdkjldfjk the way he asked that soooooooooo cooooolly. aaaaaaaaaah now i'm scared.

daaaaaaaaaaang, sis has finally learnt the art of lying with confidence. and it is gloriousssssssss to see!

oh god oh no where's he taking her i have a feeling i know but

yup i was righttttttttt

aaaaaaaaaand in she goes.

“yeh qabar maine uske liye khodi thi jo yahaan jaana deserve karta tha, lekin ab mujhe lagta hai ki aur koi bhi hai jo isse usse bhi zyaada deserve karta hai.”

yiiiiiiiiiiiikes.

riddhima, like every other millennial, is like ok sure, i'm ready to die. just give me an escape from this hellish existence already. she actually closes her eyes and sits downnnnnn in the grave. lmao Big Mood, sis.

he's like no no don't close your eyes, you need to see WHO it is that rightfully needs to be in the grave. huh. you brought a spare body to throw in here??????

i wouldn't trust that hand.

but that grave IS pretty deep so ok fine, hoist me upppp, Angry Boy. if you let go or try something funny, i'm pulling you in WITH ME.

ok phew.

“iss qabar ka asli haqdaar tumhare saamne khada hai. main hi hoon woh insaan jo uss kabar mein zinda dafan hone ke laayak hai.”

i mean..... i don't disagree. you do deserve to die for the shit you pulled yesterday. but i'm interested to know why YOU think so.

oh of course. mommy issues. mom ki qaatil ko pakadna tha, vaada tha apne haathon se sazzaa doonga, vaghera vaghera.

surprise surprise, ragini was the one who knew who did it. and he was keeping her alive all these years just to get the deets from her. ho hum, hardly surprising.

LMAO YEAH BITCH. YOU DONE FUCKED UPPPPPPPPPPP.

he admits to pulling the gun on ragini.

ragini admitting that the only reason she would put up with his crazy ass is his money. same, sis. actually, not even then. not all the money in the world could make me want be with this dude.

oh shit. oh no. hot boy used puppy eyes. my defences are weakening. fuck meeeeeeeeee. WHY AM I INTO MENNNNNNNN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? IT'S MY GREATEST FAILING IN THIS LIFEEEEEEEEEE

oh no no ok yeah i'm back i hate him again. phew. my core of misandry is reallly strong and it saved me.

i just pulled my gun on her and wanted to kill her from sheer rage. but i didn't do it. why? coz i'm not a criminal, it seems. UHHHHHHHHHH, I BEG TO DIFFER SIR. YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD GET SOME AMOUNT OF JAILTIME FOR THAT SHIT.

also wtf you mean i can't murder anyone coz i'm not capable of it. that's not what you've been saying over and over and overrrrrrrrrr since day fucking 1?!?!?!? ALSO MAY I REMIND YOU WE'RE STANDING NEXT TO A GRAVE YOU DUG FOR SOMEONE?!?!?!?!!? LIKE........... GET YOUR STORY RIGHT, DUDE. DO YOU WANNA KILL SOMEONE OR NOT?????

“mujhse sab samajhne mein bhool hui hai kya??????” LMAO YA THINK, YOU STUPIDASS???????????

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HIS FACE. KOI AUR CHIDIYA CHUG KE LE GAYI KHET.

also wtf? riddhima got shot in the exact same place and she was up and about in like...... 2 days. ragini needed 3 years to recuperate from a shoulder bullet???

“tumne nahi chalaayi toh kisne?”

oh no return of puppy eyes. look away bitch look away. (talking to riddhima, but also myself. pighalna nahi haiiiiiiiiiiiiii.)

we, the audience, have an answer to who is the puraana paapi.

awwwwww, like mom, like son. murder is their khaandaani riwayat. 

oooooh ragini was blackmailing mummy i think.

and thus mummy filled vansh's head with all kindsa crap and sent him off to kill her.

ragini saying i got into it for the money but then your jawline and eyes and my cursed heterosexuality got me into you forreal forreal. ok she didn't say that, i'm saying it. but literally what other appeal does this dude hold???

she abouttttttttt to spill the beans when..........

mmmmmmmmmmm whatcha saaaaaaaaaaay

dang murder makes ppl hot. should i try it out???? seems to make the skin real glowy.

[chaptersinprogress]

it ain’t a lie if it’s now true

Tew's mouth fell open. Wad stared at Kongpob as if he'd grown another head. Oak promptly fell off his chair while Aim knocked his drink onto his lap.

"What the fucking fuck?" said Wad incredulously.

Rating: T

Warnings: swearing

Pairings: Arthit/Kongpob

Prompt: ‘my new romance-obsessed friend asked me who my last date was with and i was too embarrassed to say i’ve never been on a date so i blurted your name and it turns out they know you’ au - by @mraculous

"Kong, when was the last time you've gone on a date?" asked Oak, after downing a shot.

Aim perked up, head lifting from the glass of alcohol he'd been staring into. Now this was something he wanted to know too. For all the confessions he'd seen his best friend receive since high school, he'd never heard anything about him going out with one of them. Well… from the person himself that was. Plenty of rumors of all the fantastic dates he'd taken girls out on made their way around the campus. As expected from the Campus Moon.

Kongpob, however, didn't seem all too happy about the turn the conversation had taken. "Why, Oak? Are you interested?" he deflected with a teasing smirk. "We just met less than half an hour ago, and you're already making moves."

Oak flushed from a combination of both embarrassment and alcohol. "Hell no! You're good-looking, but I don't swing your way. Come on, you're the Campus Moon. People are falling over themselves to go out with you. Give us the deets. We wanna know which lovely Star has caught the eye of the Moon."

"We have heard a lot about it," said Tew apologetically. "We're all curious, and it's a harmless question."

Kongpob sighed and raised an eyebrow. "And if I happened to swing both ways?" he asked challengingly.

Wad snorted, "So what?"

All the others nodded their heads. Why should the gender of the person Kongpob loved matter? It was his business who he decided to take to bed. They were only interested in finding out so that they knew who to tease the lone economics student about. Or help set him up with.

From the unwavering stares of the engineering students around him, it was clear that Kongpob wasn't going to be able to wiggle out of answering the question. But there was just one problem - he'd never actually gone out on a date with anyone. Those rumors were exactly that: rumors.

Except, if he told them the truth, they'd most likely keep attempting to set him up with someone. And that was the last thing he needed. He received enough propositions on his own already; he didn't need his new friends adding onto that.

Aim prodded him out of his thoughts. "So, who did you last go on a date with?"

Kongpob blanked. "Uh… erm…" How on Earth was he going to get out of this?! His eyes fell on the stack of papers beside him, and he immediately recalled the helpful senior in a crimson workshop jacket.

"P'Arthit!" he almost shouted.

All his friends stiffened immediately, Oak and Aim almost jumping out of their seats, as they hastily searched for the person whose name had been called. When their frantic head-turning failed to reveal him anywhere near them, the freshies let out sighs of relief.

"What the hell, Kong?!" Aim shouted, whacking Kongpob solidly in the side. "Are you trying to give us all heart-attacks?"

Kongpob winced and rubbed his bruised ribs. "What was that for?" he complained. "I just answered your question."

Tew's mouth fell open. Wad stared at Kongpob as if he'd grown another head. Oak promptly fell off his chair while Aim knocked his drink onto his lap.

"What the fucking fuck?" said Wad incredulously.

Kongpob stared at them in confusion. "Why are you guys acting as if the world is ending?"

Oak pointed a trembling finger at him. "That's because you just said that you went on a date with P'Arthit!"

"So?" he asked, still not getting it.

"Kong… Kong, P'Arthit is the head hazer I've been telling you about all this time," said Aim, finally finding his voice.

Kongpob's eyes widened. Shit. 'Abort! Abort!' his mind screamed at him.

"Uh… Y'know what, I gotta go," he stammered. Scrambling to collect his stuff, he threw a couple of bills on the table to cover his share of the tab and raced out of the bar like a bat out of hell. Leaving a couple of shell-shocked engineering freshmen behind him.

And while Kongpob might have nursed the fragile hope that everyone would dismiss his statement as a collective fever dream, he soon found himself sorely disappointed. Because by the next afternoon, the news had spread around the campus like wildfire.

On the bright side, he was no longer being stalked or confessed to. Because no one, absolutely no one, wanted to bring the wrath of the fearsome engineering head hazer on top of them for daring to proposition his supposed boyfriend, ex or otherwise.

On the down-side, Kongpob was now constantly watching his back and sleeping with one eye open. Waiting for the inevitable confrontation. Because while Kongpob's friends might be pretty accepting; from what he'd heard about the engineering hazing so far, the hazers were very, very cishet. And they didn't seem to be the type to take the insinuation that one of them, especially the head hazer, might be "gay" lying down.

All too soon, Karma seemed to catch-up with him. Kongpob stared at the text which remained unchanging on his screen.

A: Kong, found ur bk whr u left it in the lib. It's in my locker, pwd 0097. Ps, mae wants u 2 come 4 dinner nxt wknd.

He bit his lip. After all he'd done to avoid the engineering campus like the plague, he'd still have to walk into the lion's den?

K: U sure u can't just pass it 2 me?

A: Got a grp proj til l8. Can't pass it 2 u anytime soon.

He groaned. No way around it. It was either he enter the gladiator's pit to retrieve his textbook, or fail the quiz tomorrow. There was really only one option. He just hoped that he wouldn't get beaten up. Steeling himself, he strode determinedly into the Engineering campus to get his book.

He let out a sigh of relief when he managed to make his way to Aim's locker unmolested. Step 1 completed. Retrieving his book from inside, he slammed the door shut and locked it. Step 2 completed. If he could make it back without running into any of the seniors, he'd be home free. But he had taken no more than 3 steps down the corridor when his luck finally ran out.

"Hey, isn't that your faen Ai'Arthit?" came a loud voice from behind him. "Oi, Moon, wait up!"

A familiar voice responded. "Ai'Bright, shut the hell up!"

Shit. Kongpob froze for a second before continuing forward as if he had not heard the seniors. Maybe he could get away if he -

"Nong, we know you heard us so turn around and greet your seniors properly!" called a different harsh voice.

'Uh oh… busted…' sang a cheerful little part of his brain. Kongpob squashed it mercilessly and slowly turned around to meet his doom. He fixed a pained smile on his face and gave the approaching seniors a polite wai.

"Oooh, the Campus Moon is as gorgeous in person as he is in pictures! Ai'Arthit, if you hadn't snatched him away, I would've loved to have him for myself!" cooed one of them. "I'm Toota by the way. That annoying loud one there is Bright-"

"Oi!"

"The scary one is Prem and the muscly one is Knot," Toota carried on. "And of course, you know Arthit," he added with a smirk.

"Sawadee khrap P's. I'm Kongpob, Faculty of Economics," he greeted the seniors warily.

They didn't seem inclined to beat him up, certainly not after taking the trouble to identify themselves, so maybe he'd manage to get out of this relatively unscathed. Recalling Aim's complaints about the various punishments the freshman had undergone, he swiftly revised that opinion - at the very least, with his bones still intact.

Knot cocked his head as he studied the junior. "Ai'Toota's right, Ai’Arthit. At least you have good taste in men."

Kongpob choked on his own saliva. Arthit, on the other hand, let out a scream of frustration and threw a punch at Knot, who side-stepped it with a laugh.

"I'm going to kill all you fuckers!" the head hazer snarled. "You have 5 seconds to start running before I come after your heads. 5! 4! 3-"

His friends seemed to get that he'd already been pushed to his breaking point and took the out they'd been given, promptly sprinting down the corridor to save their lives.

"And you!" Arthit snapped, spinning back around to face Kongpob.

Kongpob flinched before smiling awkwardly. "Yes?"

The head hazer seemed ready to tear his throat out with his teeth. Oh god, he didn't want to die young! Where was the nice, caring senior who'd helped him collect all the assignments when the wind decided to snatch them off the table a couple of days ago? The one who blushed oh so prettily when Kongpob moved just a little too close into his personal space. How could the angry dragon in front of him be the same guy?!

Arthit sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I apologise for all the trouble my friends have caused, Nong. They've been teasing me the last few days due to the rumors and you being here was too good of an opportunity for them to miss."

"Um… it's alright, P'Arthit. No harm done," Kongpob replied, shifting his weight. 'Well, for now,' he mentally added.

Arthit's face darkened. "If I catch whoever it was who started those rumors I'm going to-" He paused. "What's with that expression?"

Kongpob stared back guiltily at him like a deer caught in the headlights. Confess or deny? As Arthit's frown deepened, a realisation struck Kongpob: with a bit of digging, the engineering freshies would cave, and his role in the mess would come to light.

If he admitted it now, he could possibly plead for mercy instead of having P'Arthit find out later and then disembowel him for lying. Shit. It was either speak now or forever hold his peace (six feet underground, that was).

He fiddled with his textbook cover. "Um… P'Arthit?"

"Yes?"

Kongpob stared at some point over Arthit's shoulder, not daring to meet his eyes. "I might have a tiny part to play in that."

"What? Speak up."

Kongpob gulped before speaking louder. "I said I might be part of the reason why those rumors exist."

And if Kongpob had thought Arthit looked angry earlier, well, now he had to be downright furious.

"You’re the one behind this mess? Do you think this is funny?" Arthit hissed. "Are you mocking me?!"

"What? No!" the words spilled out. "No, of course not! I… ugh… this had nothing to do with you in the first place!"

"Then explain what it is about!"

"My friends were asking me about the last date I'd gone on, but I've never gone on a date before so I just randomly blurted out the first name that came to mind which was yours 'cause I remembered you helping me earlier that afternoon!"

Arthit stared at him incredulously. "You've never been on a date?"

"That was what you got out of everything I said?!"

Arthit's shoulders began to shake. Kongpob eyed him warily. A chuckle escaped the senior, and then it was as if a dam had broken. Kongpob stared at the head hazer who was almost bent over in half, struggling to stop laughing.

Kongpob’s cheeks burned. Now this was precisely why he had lied to his friends in the first place. At the very least, his complexion helped disguise his shame. He pulled together the last shreds of his dignity.

"If you're done, I'll take my leave first," he said frostily.

"Wait, wait, I'm sorry," gasped Arthit, straightening up. "It's just… I didn't expect that at all."

Kongpob remained silent.

"Oh come on, the most popular guy on campus who gets confessed to left and right has never been on a date? Surely you'd find that fact just a little bit funny."

Kongpob's lips thinned at the continued mockery. Arthit walked over to him, grinning, and slung an arm around his shoulder.

"Ok, ok. I'm sorry na… stop looking like that Nong."

He turned his head stubbornly to the side, refusing to even glance at the senior.

"Tell you what, I'll treat you to dinner as an apology."

Kongpob side-eyed the hazer.

"2 meals?"

He narrowed his eyes.

"Fine! A whole day of whatever you want. Now will you stop sulking and forgive this senior?"

Taking the opportunity to turn the tables, Kongpob twisted in Arthit's hold and leaned in, their noses almost brushing. "Are you asking me out on a date, P'Arthit?" he murmured softly.

He bit down on the smirk that threatened to form as he watched the senior's eyes widen - at both the question and their proximity - as that lovely flush his thoughts always wandered away to appeared in reality. Arthit dropped his arm from Kongpob's shoulders as if he'd been burnt and took 2 giant steps away.

"Kongpob!" he shouted, almost shrilly.

"Don't worry P'Arthit, the whole campus already knows about us. There’s no need to be shy."

Arthit’s jaw dropped. Kongpob snickered and began to walk down the corridor back to his dorm. ‘Ah, revenge is certainly sweet,’ he thought. As the senior sputtered behind him, Kongpob threw a final parting shot.

"Pick me up on Saturday, 11am at the dorm entrance, don't be late!"

"KONGPOB!"

Laughing, Kongpob began running as Arthit spat curses after him. Looks like he’d get to go on that date after all.

[roamingbadger]

Because it’s national coming out day and all... 

I’m pansexual. 

I’m not really out to very many people IRL.

But I’m working on it.

I don’t usually get very personal on my blog, but I felt like writing this out for the first time in my life so what the hell, here goes. 

When I was in college, I was researching LGBTQ+ terms for a school project and I came across the definition of the word “pansexual” for the first time. Prior to that, I had actually seen it around tumblr but never knew what it meant (this was in 2009, yes I’m old). When I read the brief definition on that particular website - “sexual or romantic attraction regardless of gender identity” (I remember it to this day) - I had a life-affirming moment. I thought, “That is me. That is how I feel.” And I felt . . . seen.

Looking back at my life prior to that moment, of course I knew I was not straight. I just didn’t have words for what I felt. I had queer and same-sex experiences but I didn’t know how to define myself. Now I consider myself attracted to the person, not the gender identity or sex. 

Now, I’m married to a cishet man. He is the first person I told about being pansexual, and he has supported me 100% (obvs, or we wouldn’t be married). The second person I told was my best friend, who happens to be gay. And even when I told him, I felt weirdly attention-seeking somehow. He was in the closet for all of high school (out to his family and me) because of fear of backlash from being out. As a pan cis woman in a relationship with a straight man, I had so much less “queer validity” in my own mind.

Do I think queer validity is bullshit? Yes. Did I just make up that term? Yes. (It’s probably out there already. I’m just saying.) What I’m getting at is the feeling that if I can pass as straight, I have inherent privilege, so I need to shut up and sit down while the REAL queer people are talking. If another pan person said this to me, I would tell them that they are valid, that they matter, that they belong in queer spaces. But I have trouble believing that of myself. 

Part of being in the closet for me stems from my hetero-passing relationship. I’m in love with the person who my husband is. If he were in a different body, I would love him just as much. Being married to him doesn’t change the fact that I’m pansexual, but it does make me monogamous. Those are two different things. Trying to explain that to people, or even imagining myself explaining it, exhausts me. I have to admit that sometimes, it’s just easier to let people assume that I am straight. But I feel like a coward when I do that. And I also feel untrue to myself. Because I’m NOT straight. *shouts it from the rooftops*

Honestly, another aspect of being pan and being closeted? Worrying how my friends and coworkers will react to me. I did a training at work on LGBTQ+ identities (because I’m pan and it matters to me...) and my former boss jokingly called me the “sexpert” afterward. She didn’t even know I was pan. Every time she called me that, I felt hurt and angry. And I imagined what she would call me, or think of me, if she knew that I was actually pansexual. 

I have friends and coworkers who are very accepting. In the logical part of my brain, I know they would accept me, or if they don’t, they aren’t very good friends. But the illogical part of me also worries irrationally that all my female friends will stop being friends with me because they’ll think I’m attracted to them, or I wanted to date them in the past, or some bullshit. It’s paranoia, I know. But it’s . . . scary.

To sum all this up, everyone has their reasons for remaining the closet. These are mine. That being said, I’m not exactly proud of myself for this. First, I feel as if a part of my life is missing. I’m lying every day, and I get tired of it. Second, I feel like it’s not fair to those queer folk out in the world who are speaking out, coming out of the closet, wearing their identities with pride, and facing serious prejudice because of it, even death. I have incredible privilege in that I’m cis, white, and in a hetero-passing relationship. It’s time I stopped hiding behind that privilege and used it to support my LGBTQ+ friends.

That’s all. Thanks for listening. <3

[unproduciblesmackdown]

there was an ask list but instead of reblogging it im just doing the thing where i answer it all and put it here under a readmore

what mythical creature do you wish actually existed? idk i like griffins but i feel like thats boring b/c they dont like have any Powers...

soundcloud or vinyls? i dont rly use either lol

what book does everyone right now need to read? whatever they want i have no huge recs. i like the ashbury high / brookfield series & thats kinda unknown but thats it

do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets? its not much of a thrill...i guess im neutral but it has to fit me for starters

what was the best thing that happened to you this month? i donno. watched some stuff, had ppl compliment me

what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself? i periodically tell myself to care less about various shit

would you rather be the sky, the ocean or the forests? i guess the sky....clouds are nice. the ocean is full of heinous shit and the abyss. the forest can be kinda iffy too and also cut down

would you kiss the last person you kissed again? i havent kissed anybody romantically* so its not really an issue for me

do you plan your outfits? rarely

how do you feel right now? eh theres the usual undercurrents of misery and frustration but that’s just bg noise most of the time. im alright i suppose

what’s the last dream you remember having? well i was having trouble driving, which is a frequent dream, because it was a bus, which is an unusual detail. i think we were trying to take a roadtrip to a beach in another country, which is a thing that happens in my dreams lately. but then i suddenly found out i was in a play that was in like rehearsal/performance stages already, which is also common. my role was to act like i was real gay for some other guy character. i was like lol no prob

what are you craving right now? im usually a bit hungry i guess

turn ons/offs? i like people who can go along with a joke i suppose and who seem interested in other people and what they have to say. too many things repel me from other ppl to list

when was the last time you cried? why? i’ll cry super easily if im just imagining some sad concept

did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? there’s some contenders there smh...but no

do you bite or lick your ice cream? lick....

favorite movie ever? i dont have one

do you like yourself? yeah im alright enough

have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity? not like an a-lister no

how many countries have you visited? just the one ive always been in

have you ever been in a castle? no

what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done? i dont think anything too special. got in front of a car w someone but it was moving slow. proceeded w my stage entrance anyways even when a curtain cue got effed up & led the Improvisation of working around it, but that was dance so nobody had any lines to change

what’s on your mind right now? hoping it tstorms really dramatically later

what’s your zodiac sign? gay

name 5 facts about yourself. my eyes are blue, my pupils dont dilate evenly coz one is a bit less dilatable, im horribly nearsighted, i can cross one eye, i have sort of a unibrow

do you believe in karma? i dont believe in not karma

ever been in love? not romantically*

whom do you admire and why? a lot of activists, im interested in activism and volunteering but have rarely been able to actually be involved in things

what was your favorite bedtime story as a child? man i dont remember having bedtime stories, i dont think i did that much after learning to read myself. i read “pat the bunny” a lot for my little brother, that one was his fave

did you make someone laugh today? i dont think so

do you believe in ghosts? ive always liked hearing about ghost shit, i am not inclined to think that everyone who says theyve had Ghost Encounters is lying, i know ppl personally who have stories who i dont think are lying and it would be presumptuous to say like “well but they probably didnt REALLY x y or z,” and yet still i am always skeptical abt the whole thing. i am agnostic abt everything ever re afterlife stuff, but again—if we’re in a horror movie haunted house situation and shits going down, im going to assume ghosts and everything ive heard about them is true and act accordingly until we’re out of there, Greg The Adamant Disbeliever can have fun dying. and catch me not messing around w ouija boards or any of that shit either...im good.

if you could go back in time which time period would you visit? visit....damn i dunno.

would you want to live forever? why/why not? i mean if other ppl are doing it to then it might be fine. but like me specifically as things are now living forever, im not much interested. someone else can have my immortality

what makes you sad? shit like, life man

was today typical? why/why not? yeah i didnt do anything interesting

who do you trust the most? i dont particularly distrust anyone but i dont really have anything i’d need to trust anyone over

what did you have for breakfast today? i didnt

do you have any regrets looking back in your life? not really

what’s your favorite fictional universe? i dont have one

favorite tv show? i dont have one

share a favorite quote. i have some but i’ll never be able to think of one on the spot

what does your ideal day look like? ahh idk. doing something fun while being around other people

do you have any hobbies? i guess drawing / writing count. theres other things but i dont do them regularly / recently

share a small random book passage that means something to you. dont have one

what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared? theres not really anything like that

do you usually date people your age or older/younger? neither

who means the world to you? why? any cat ive ever met b/c theyre angels

best books you’ve ever read? i guess i can plug the ashbury/brookfield books again

who is your favorite cartoon character? i gotta say lars dont i

coffee or tea? tea

would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved? loved but like by multiple ppl right? gimme that magnitude in Widely rather than Intensely

are you a dog or a cat person? i feel like only dog ppl consider this to be a real Binary

what is your biggest addiction? biting my lip endlessly lol

do you ever think about the galaxy? sure

what’s your favorite color? blue

do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not? nah...my sibs and i are like friendly acquaintances i guess. thatll be an abusive household i guess

are you a morning or a night person? night

have you ever dealt with a mental illness? I Guess

how would your friends describe you? uhhhh people say im funny sometimes

do you consider yourself and extrovert or an introvert? bit of both

what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do? i dont think i have any secrets there

describe yourself in 3 words. extremes, thoughtful, Gay

best memory as a child? idk i always liked swimming and going to pools / waterparks

what is your eye and hair color? blue / brown, respectively.

do you like crystals? theyre cool

if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be? imperialism banned

what’s your hogwarts house? idk slytherin hufflepuff or smthing

biggest pet peeve? theres many..

would you rather go to a cocktail party with your best friends or stay home and read a book/watch a movie with your pet? well first i need the mythical best friend group but also can we be doing something more fun than a cocktail party

share a secret. I’ve Pooped Outside

would you rather live longer or happier? this might only be a difficult choice if it was live shorter or happier

who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? why? nobody coz idk

do you wear glasses? yes

forest or river? forest

do you like exercise? its alright i dont like just straightup running though

do you like poetry? it depends on who the poet is. cishet white dudes shouldnt be allowed, for starters

any special talent that you have? i’m good at telling if lines are parallel lol

[jnpr-isms]

So here’s the deal, and why I haven’t posted in a while.

Me keeping this blog and trying to answer your asks diplomatically and do justice to them was starting to feel like censoring and squashing myself to fit into someone else’s box.

I was trying to be vague and leave my headcanons out of it to try to appeal to as wide a portion of the fanbase as possible, only bringing up things that were close to canon, because there was this weird feeling being a part of the “isms fam” phenomenon that made me feel like I had to stick to the code. And honestly? I got tired of it. It became pretty emotionally exhausting, especially when so many of the asks people were sending were about R/en/ora, or about what characters were into in other people, or only asking about characters’ attraction to the “opposite” gender, because:

I don’t ship R/en/ora outside of poly relationships (though I have to admit it’s grown on me a little). I won’t be upset if the show puts them together for real, but I have no idea how to answer asks about it, especially ones regarding Ren’s feelings, since I genuinely don’t think Ren even considered it until the cuddle scene at the end of Volume 4. However, I knew you guys wanted shippy material with your Re/no/ra asks, and so I left them unanswered because I didn’t want to let you down.

ADDENDUM: I could probably answer Re/no/ra questions in the future, but you guys would have to be satisfied with the fact that my version of the ship wouldn’t probably follow the typical path / answers you might be hoping for.

I don’t think anyone on JNPR is straight, except maybe sometimes Pyrrha, and that’s a sometimes. Ren and Nora I see as pan, and Jaune as bi (though there was a while when I saw Ren as gay). Pyrrha feels more straight to me, but my girlfriend really likes shipping her with girls so I tend to concede that point because hey, I’m not gonna deny her that. Also:

I’m asexual as all heck, and as a result, I headcanon half of team JNPR as ace (Jaune and Ren) and wouldn’t even begin to be able to know how to explore the ways Pyrrha and Nora would be attracted to people. I got asks about what they were all into in both men and women, and I had no idea how to respond. For Jaune, Pyrrha, and Nora, there was canon precedent for characters they’d liked of a different gender, so I could just describe those characters, but to use the same method for the other questions was to get into the dangerous territory of my personal ships and headcanons about who’s attracted to whom, which again, I didn’t want to do.

I use they/he pronouns for Ren. I also headcanon Pyrrha as trans, and used to hardcore headcanon Jaune as trans before I started exploring certain headcanons about the Arc family that work better with him being dmab. This hasn’t come up in asks, but it’s still something I’ve refrained from mentioning.

I felt like I had to keep all of this under wraps for the sake of not making this about my version of canon. But by doing that, I also felt like I was lying by omission -- I was letting you assume that my views on the characters fit into the nice cookie cutter heterocisnormative boxes Roosterteeth has provided us with so far, and I could see that being reflected in the asks you guys were sending me. And it made me really uncomfortable, because it started to feel like I was lying about who I was, through that. And I know I reblogged the ask memes that started a lot of this, but I had no idea how it was going to make me feel. 

The truth is, I didn’t bring a lot of this up because I was afraid of alienating people. But honestly, anyone who would be alienated by me bringing my non-cishet headcanons into this isn’t really worth keeping around. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in my headcanons, and if you guys aren’t the right audience for my versions of the characters, oh well. I was so excited to be so popular that I started writing careful tiptoe versions of the characters I love to delve into, and that’s honestly a shame. So go ahead; unfollow if you want to -- but if you want to stay around, I’m opening the ask box again -- send me asks about the characters being queer, because that’s what I feel like answering right now. From now on, I’m gonna be a lot more honest about how I see the characters, and about when I can’t answer an ask because I just don’t feel qualified or able to. This is gonna be a new, communicative, very me jnpr-isms, and if you don’t want to stay around for it, you don’t have to.

[oziluz]

Therapy, anger, guilt and unconditional love

So, the weekend was terrible. Especially sunday.

But I’m better now and I’m trying to make a point of also posting when I’m better. Because this is supposed to be about recovery. And therefore I need record the things that make me feel better, too. Especially those, actually.

So, I can officially declare myself a huge fan of therapy (with the right therapist). If you’ve got the means to see a professional, do it! Also, if you don’t get along or don’t trust your therapist (for whatever reason: their capability, just a general sense), find a new one!

Anyways, I am lucky to have found a good fit for me. And so talking through what was going on during the weekend, held immensely. Surprisingly, talking about your emotions is really helpful. Huh. *irony off*

And I’ve learnt I direct the anger I harbour or have for other people or things towards myself. Or I turn it into guilt. Also, guilt is a “secondary emotion”, it doesn’t come natural to humans, so there is always something else lying underneath. 

I do this because either I can’t reach the people or things responsible - due to geography or because it being something I can’t do anything about- or because I am super afraid of hitting the wrong people with my anger, and so in order to avoid that I go the “safer” road and direct it against myself.

But this doesn’t comepletely explain why I do it. I could still just blame the actual causes of my anger. But there is at least a small part in me that believes the things that make me angry. E.g. my father thinking I’m lazy for being on sick leave for so long. Or society calling me a freak for not being cishet.

My therapist says my next step to changing this behaviour is making the conscious effort to “catch myself thinking this way” and then reasoning with myself or explaining to myself what I’m doing and whre it’s coming from (so the last two paragraphs basically).

And after having turned this into somehwat of an automatism I can go on to dealing with my doubts. And trying to direct my anger away from myself and also express it in a healthy way.

Another thing I have learnt is I don’t have this inherent trust in my relationships. Because I have lost so many people, and because especially affection from my father only came with conditions or was dependent on “me behaving the way he liked best”, so uncomplicated, sweet, unargumentative etc. Also, I have learnt this thinking of affection is conditional from my mum.

So I am always afraid of “acting out” in my relationships because it could mean losing that person because of that.

I didn’t discuss this with my therapist but I also believe “female socialisation” has played into this. “Be diplomatic, be sweet, make everyone as comfortable as possible, even at your own expense”.

I did act out as a teen and I did stand up for things a believe in. And I fought with my father etc. But not as much as I wanted to and I repressed so so much.

I wonder whether I’d’ve expressed feeling uncomfortable being a girl if I’d grown up differently. But what ifs are super pointless. This knowledge actually eases some of my doubts, because I have an explanation for being such a latebloomer and for being so unsure.

Also, caring about what other people think of me goes against my ... I guess, philosophy, and I’ve always resented myself for being unable to stop caring. But now I know it’s a result of my upbringing and not “my fault”. Plus, I now have a means of coming closer to my goal of being able to be myself more unapologetically. Some day :D.

Guilt. It’s the result of me being angry at myself for not being who I want to be or who I think I am supposed to be. I feel guilty for feeling my feelings, for being who I am, for acting the way I act, for not being who I am etc.

I do admit I have this tiny voice in my head that says; well, if you’re so good at repressing and not being yourself and turning stuff against yourself, maybe you’re making being trans up, so that you have something tangible that you can hate.

This is voice is there. And I’ll have to deal with it.

But my self-hatred was at its highest way before I’d ever heard the term and ever considered it applying to myself. And it express itself differently.

I’m not gonna solve this in this post, so I’m going to leave it at this. I need to discuss it in therapy.

Also, props to my therapist for managing to make me actually believe that I am intelligent. I do take pride in my intellect, but I don’t really believe it. I cover up the uncertainty. But now I feel like it’s quite a lot easier believing in it.

So, I’m better. Therapy is the shit. And I have a bit of a creative high (no pun intended).

[sophiescarlet]

Lengthy post on my sexuality, asexuality, and women’s repressed sexuality ahoy

Last night on Twitter, I came across a repost of this post about straight and queer women’s interactions. As it happened, the second paragraph - which is the most relevant to me and what I’m about to talk about - was what was in the image preview. I’m not going to post the whole thing, because it’s not really relevant and you can read it for yourselves at the source, but here’s the relevant portion:

if straight girls knew of even half of how much lesbians and bisexual girls hold themselves back and restrain themselves and dilute themselves in order to appear non-threatening and non-predatory to those same straight girls

once we’ve made you aware of our orientation, we barely allow ourselves to look at you and smile at a joke you just told, in case you’d assume we’re into you, just because we smiled at you once

Now, ignoring the “straight” part of that and the post’s larger commentary on homophobia among straight women (which is important commentary, just not what I’m talking about here), this was shockingly similar to my own feelings and actions.

Just the night before, I’d been at my church’s women’s group. It was only the second time I’ve gone, and it was the first time the one other girl around my age from our church went. When she showed up, I considered flirting with her. I wasn’t sure she was queer, but I figured it was likely since 1) she looked the part, and 2) a good number of the people at my church (a Unitarian Universalist church, to be precise) are queer. But I decided against it for the moment, which, thank God as it turns out, because eventually she mentioned that she is, indeed, gay - and engaged.

All of which is really just exposition for my main point: from that moment, I became hyperaware of how loudly I laughed when she said something funny, whether I angled myself toward or away from her. Which I always, always do when I’m worried a girl might think I like her, even if there’s no reason why she would. But until I saw that post last night, I’d always thought it was just me and my idiosyncrasies. Seeing that it was a common experience among queer women - even if applied to a rather narrower audience than I apply it to - has made me rethink a few things.

Now, I’ve always been like this. I can definitively remember doing it in high school, and I probably did even earlier. My point being, at that time I had no idea that I was a girl, or queer in any way. In some ways, I was conscious of it. As a (seeming) male, I didn’t want to intimidate women. I didn’t want to be part of that whole thing at all. And I know that I internalise SJ stuff way, way too much, beyond a point that’s at all healthy, and end up second-guessing myself far too much and too often. I always thought that was the root of it.

But I also know that from childhood, I internalised messages that were intended for women. Messages about body shape and how to behave and all those sorts of things. And now, now that I know other women do this too - probably including women who don’t have my hyper-SJ issue - I wonder if in fact there’s more to it.

One of the things that we teach women is to never impose. Sometimes I’m able to say fuck that and impose anyway. Other times, I struggle with it a lot. And my guess now is that that has a lot to do with why I act this way. I don’t want to impose on anyone by making them feel uncomfortable if they think I might have feelings for them. (Meanwhile, when I actually do have feelings for someone, I almost always blurt it out immediately.)

So those are all things I’m thinking about. But the real question for me has been, to what extent have I been covering up my sexuality to myself?

I’ve identified as acespec (asexual spectrum) since before I identified as bi, certainly before I began unraveling my transness. (I no longer identify as bi, btw; I identify as a lesbian. Which reminds me, I really need to write another post about why I think that happened. But again, irrelevant at the moment.) I’ve identified practically all along the spectrum: asexual, demisexual, gray-a, cupiosexual. Now I wonder, am I really, honestly acespec? Or have I been deluding myself all along, convinced by my own façade of disinterest?

On the one hand, I think I probably am on the spectrum somewhere. I’ve certainly never had the experience of looking at someone I don’t know and thinking, “I’d fuck them.” But on the other hand, I’ve had moments where I’ve felt sexuality in a way that made me... uncomfortable. (Which, as I think about it, may also have to do with my extremely sexphobic Catholic upbringing.) I was definitely sexually attracted to my former partner more than I ever wanted to admit. And it would explain why I’ve had such a hard time figuring out just where on the ace spectrum I fall.

Last night, I started to realise that yeah, I probably have been lying to myself for years about the extent of my sexuality. Maybe because of that Catholic upbringing, but even more because of my total discomfort with somehow imposing on other women. And I started to resolve not to do that. My new year’s resolution last year was to stop apologising for the way I feel, no matter what it is I feel. I did a remarkably good job of it, if I do say so myself, and it genuinely changed my life. Now what I’m working on is just allowing myself to feel however I feel, which is more difficult despite being more elementary.

Feelings are feelings, and we don’t have to act on them. Ironically, that was a point that was hammered home in Catholic school. But with all the shame attached to certain feelings, and my hyper-internalisation of SJ issues, and the imposition issue, do I really believe that deep in my soul? I’m not sure I do. Can I even acknowledge when I have sexual feelings, rather than trying to repress them because even though I’m not going to act on them, I don’t want to have them at all?

This morning at church, we read Mary Oliver’s poem “Wild Geese” aloud together. My fellow English majors will probably recognise it for its most famous line – “Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine” – and that is a really beautiful line, but it was the first three lines that stood out to me today, as if I was meant to read them at this precise time:

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

(Emphasis mine.)

I guess I haven’t really been doing that. A lot of queer women – and, for that matter, a lot of queer non-women, and a lot of cishet women – probably don’t, for lots of reasons.

I’m going to try.

I’m not sure what it means for my sexual identity, which is a little frustrating and a little scary. I’m so used to identifying as more ace than not. Now I’m not sure if that’s really true. But I know I have to be honest with myself and find out.