#I agree that dealing with religion head on would have been. a lot.

[not-poignant]

Just saw your post about Ghibli + elements of grotesque with the Nausicaa gifset and how you wrote an essay comparing it to Shinto philosophy and I had to ask - you didn't happen to write that for an IB film class did you?? Cause that would be a WILD coincidence if so, bc I'm doing IB film rn and one of our extended essay examples was literally exactly that; an analysis/comparison of Ghibli movies and Shinto philosophy/religion and it was really really good.

Even if not, that's so cool!! I adore Ghibli and totally agree with the points you left in the tags of that post. Ghibli is about confronting the uncomfortable and ugly and grotesque and scary and acknowledging it as a valid and necessary part of life. Everything in balance!! Sure there are some more cutesy kiddy films which I feel have become more mainstream but especially films like Nausicaa have very real and important messages that often get overlooked :( I was really scared of Nausicaa when I was a child and now it's one of my favourite films!!

Anyway, you're awesome, I agree with your takes and Ghibli rocks 💪

Hi anon!

So this is going to be a wild journey, strap in.

I don't know what IB Film is. I did my thesis in a final year university unit specifically where we all developed our own thesis subject, had a supervisor, and it was basically a test run to do first class Honours (which lets you bypass a Masters degree and go straight to the PhD, which I then intended to do). It was a limited class that only had about 10 people in it, I believe. My supervisor was the head of the film department.

Now, this was back in about 2004. Shit I'm old. Ghibli wasn't a household name. It wasn't streaming anywhere. You couldn't get DVDs easily, and if you wanted them you had to make sure you had a region unlocked DVD player to deal with the DRM and then buy them from overseas. Most people were only getting exposed to these films if they were regular cinema-goers, or if they were an aggressive pirate via downloading torrents (which I was). The only place you could get Ghibli merch pretty much was Japan. It absolutely did not have the kind of traction it has now, no one could do a class on it outside of Japan because the majority of students would have no idea what you were talking about.

I think Disney/Lasseter had picked up the option to do dubs, but for the most part, if we were seeing these at the cinema, they were subbed.

So that's the context! That was in an era where I was the one directly getting all of my friends on Livejournal and in person, into Studio Ghibli. I went to the Ghibli film festival back before Spirited Away came out, and that got me hooked years previous.

In 2004 I did my thesis. At the time I was the only person in the English speaking world to do a thesis specifically on my thesis subject. It had been covered briefly in sentences like 'Miyazaki practices Shinto' etc. and there was one other unpublished thesis I was able to find that talked about concepts of Shinto and some of Miyazaki's films which helped me a lot with my thesis.

I went on a deep dive into Shinto. Because it was a thesis, I had to research a lot into the difference between folk and shrine Shinto (Ghibli films lean very 'folk' but there are moments of shrine Shinto), and ended up with a pretty baller reference list. But many, many, many more resources online and off have come out since. I'd find the thesis very easy to do if I was doing it now.

Because I was the first to kind of present my findings in a thesis like this, the thesis ended up getting published in a book on animism and then journeyed further on because it was of interest to people who are interested in representations of animism in mass media, especially popular mass media.

The specific focus of my thesis statement was the difference between the black and white puritanical morality of Disney, the most popular animation studio for children and adults at the time, versus Miyazaki's mixed morality and more nuanced explorations of good and evil, villains, heroes and antiheroes in Ghibli animations, and how that was at least partly founded in the difference between a more Christianised versus Shinto mindset in relation to nature and intersections with humanity.

Idk, something like that.

The thesis did well! I got my high distinction, got my invitation into first class Honours, and then was too sick to go on and get the PhD and teach about these things, which was what I fully intended to do!

My thesis got some traction over the years, published in a few places both online and in at least two books (one that I own, the other I forget because it's been oh my god like 20 years), so the idea got around!

Anon, there is actually a chance - a small chance - that the only reason you're getting this essay subject in a more standardised curriculum is because my thesis made its way into the public eye 20 years ago and got quite popular. It was never peer reviewed or anything, it wasn't a PhD thesis and didn't need to be, it was mostly just a very well-researched (if I do say so myself) collation of thoughts on the subject as someone is also a practicing animist. In retrospect I really wish I'd incorporated more of Zipe's teachings but he was in a completely different field to media studies and my supervisor didn't know about him to suggest him.

Discussions of Ghibli, Miyazaki and Shinto became a lot more popularised as Ghibli got more popular and people in the western world discovered that there were already a published essay (at the time people could read it without paying for it as I'd put it up online for folks to access) that linked to other sources and the unpublished essay I'd found. So...

Um, yeah, that's wild, because I know that this wasn't a thing in universities 20 years ago, because I was so desperate for resources I was emailing around and asking universities so I didn't have to figure so much out myself. 😅

[utilitycaster]

Pls ignore if the spectre of ruminating on old god-diskhorse is far too obnoxious but it's rather a jump-off point for a more general question; an issue brought up pushing back against the most obnoxious "vanguard is right eradicate those tyrant gods rq stole vax hate that bitch" ppl, aside from other things like just being deeply myopic even just from an in-universe perspective, but on a wholler narrative level requires completely ignoring or discarding campaign 1 and 2's theses and genuine connections. Largely i think these ppl's takes are more interested in self-validation than concerned with what they're actually saying when they want these things to be true (which they aren't, Matt and cast and plot progression from the peak of those discourses have made that clear), but now here's my wondering: what would it say if c3 were to be these things? By what metrics do you judge a sequel installment should it, in the pursuit of its own story, undermine or contradict the earnest, complete, already told story that preceded it and was built upon?

Hi anon,

This is a good question, and necessarily one with a subjective answer, so I hope I at least explain my thought process below! Also: this does have some spoilers for a Midst episode in Season 3 (which aired a few weeks ago). I mention this because it's a really useful example for me but this wasn't a question about Midst so you might not be expecting me to talk about it.

Firstly, I agree with you that a lot of the people who want this want the story to validate their personal beliefs. Some want it to validate political/philosophical beliefs, which is a complicated thing: on the one hand, I very much don’t want to watch a show that’s like “hey slavery is neat-o!” and doubt such a show would have much merit. On the other hand, when we’re dealing with much more complicated issues like religion, which simultaneously exists as a tool of oppression; an aspect of identity that makes one a target of oppression; a source of meaning and comfort; and a source of justification of terrible practices all in one; I think it’s extremely valuable to be exposed to a multitude of perspectives and to not just endlessly look for those that validate one’s own experiences.

Others just want the story to validate their feelings about the happenings within the narrative, which is on the one hand usually less close-minded, but on the other hand, kind of stupid. You are permitted to dislike that Vax died. I disagree, but you can feel however you want (indeed, you don’t need my, or anyone’s permission to dislike that Vax died). The story saying “The Raven Queen isn’t perfect” or even “The Raven Queen is Bad” isn’t necessary for you to have those feelings; and the Raven Queen being slaughtered isn’t per se necessary for Vax to come back (which I think would be cheap and stupid, but like, if that’s what you want you could just have him come back.) You don’t need to story to tell you that your response to the story is good, so this is ultimately a case of “why are you even doing this."

I also suspect there’s just some degree of subversion for subversion’s sake (or change for change's sake) people who were into the idea of killing the gods just to flip C1 and C2 on their respective heads. The thing is, subversion for the sole purpose of subversion has always been the province of the dull. There’s a reason why culturally we treat M. Night Shyamalan as a joke and it’s because “THERE’S A TWIST” without a strong and compelling build-up to said twist nearly always is, as the post I recently reblogged said, something that only hits hard if you’re stupid.

What I need from a story to be good is internal consistency and a strong execution. I am frequently surprised, in a very positive way, by stories that are so well-executed that they sell me on a premise with which I was less than enamored. If you’d told me that I’d feel sad about FCG’s sacrifice or extremely in favor of Phineas and Jonas’s romantic relationship during early C3 or, frankly, even the minute before I listened to Trustfall, respectively, I would have said “huh, really?” But both of these events were thoughtfully built to a point where they felt like meaningful and interesting choices for the story to take, even if that was not apparent to me earlier on.

So: the metric I’d use to judge a god-killing C3 is the same as that of any long-running story. I think there is a universe in which Campaign 3 could have made the demise of the gods a good and compelling story. But that work simply has not been done. The atrocities of the Vanguard, Weave Mind, and the Dwendalian Empire under Ludinus Da’leth; the callousness shown towards all Exandrians and Ruidians by the Vanguard and Kreviris Imperium; and most importantly the fact that there haven’t been new reveals of terrible things done by the gods and the story has instead striven to paint them as more fragile and complicated than what we’ve seen in past means that a sudden twist would, well, be cheap and only hit hard if you’re stupid. You can contradict a past story in an installment (or the earlier work in a long-running series) in a way that is not undermining if you are able to tie it together and show new information that was not available earlier! But that’s the key: it needs to be clear that the earlier works were showing a specific perspective (already a very tall order given the protagonist-only POV of D&D campaigns) or that the situation has drastically changed. If you fail to do this, then as you said, it’s undermining and it’s poorly done and a bad story.

I think that last point is also really important in thinking through the fandom response. I mentioned that I can be sold on a premise that didn’t win me over initially if the execution is strong. I think some people, and especially those gunning for a “The Gods are All Bad” story are so terrified of not being validated or of being wrong in their predictions or of criticism from other fans that they can no longer enjoy a story or comment meaningfully upon it. To which I say skill issue. I am thrilled and even grateful that, as previously mentioned, FCG had an arc that deepened their character and addressed my earlier criticism such that I could enjoy episode 91 as much as I did. I was mildly spoiled on the potential of Jonas and Phineas getting together and was, to be honest, slightly dreading it as I’d always preferred a platonic interpretation of their relationship, and then the scene in which it happened (and everything since) has been so deftly handled that I’m fully on board.

I am a far better analyst and critic of fiction than a creator of it, and I’m open about this. I am constantly surprised in ways both positive and negative by how other people tell stories, and that’s why I come back to them. I want the story to be so good that it expands my horizons and comfort zone and shows me something new. I find little joy in a story validating who I already am and what I already think. I want the story to make a better argument for what it has to say than I can make against it. If this is a competition between the story and me, I am rooting for the story to win over me and in doing so, win me over; and I am disappointed when it doesn’t.

I am also a physicist, and, famously within our understanding of physics, pretty much anything can happen; it’s all just a matter of probabilities. And so it’s hard for me to say “there’s no way this could ever be done well.” It’s very easy, however, for me to say “the eye of the needle one must thread to do this well is a micron in diameter and constantly moving.” I think it’s possible to turn the concept of a god-slaying Campaign 3 into a story that, rather than clumsily ignoring or discarding C1 and C2’s theses, transforms them and puts them in a new and unexpected light. But the narrative dexterity check required for that has always been high, and only gets higher as the actual Campaign 3 story continues along its current path.

[magnetothemagnificent]

Sorry if this is an inappropriate or rude question, you don’t have to answer.

I’ve been dealing with internalised negative feelings about religion, due to being raised by very Christian family, when I’ve never believed what they said. It made me think that religion is an awful thing, a cult by sorts.

A few years back, I made a friend who is Jewish and he’s really cool and I respect him a lot. I also am trying my hardest to respect that he is religious but I can’t help that voice in my head, saying he’s corrupted. I don’t think I believe it anymore but I kind of want to ask, a reassurance I guess, what your views are in religion as a whole? Why do you believe it’s good?

First of all, it is not marginalized people's jobs to prove to why they deserve humanity. If you had asked any other Jew this question, they would have every right to ignore this quesiton and/or call you out on it.

However, I do put myself out there and try to educate people, so I'll answer your question.

Religion is part of human culture and history. For as long as humans have been humans, we've always had symbolic representation, taboos, and imagination. Paleolithic humans burying their dead with body paint and bead ornamentation- that's an example of spiritual belief. To be human is to be illogical, superstitious, and imaginative. Even other animals can sometimes act according to superstition or seemingly illogical motives. Humans are incredibley intelligent, and with our intelligence comes questions we cannot answer and fears we cannot explain. Where are we from? What is death? Where are we going? What is our purpose? These are all answers we seek, and having a religious belief set can help answer these questions. Religion is just a world view in the same way Western science is a world view, and they're not incompatible with each other. Many scientists are religious, I myself am a student of science and am religious.

Religion has brought people together for all of human history- it allows the sharing of ideas and resources. Harvest festivals, weddings, coming-of-age ceremonies, funerals, all these religious events serve to reinforce the bonds in a community. A relationship must be maintained and reinforced, or it becomes stagnant. Having a shared spiritual belief system and coming together for ceremonies reignites communal bonds. Religion also allows for a community to have a shared moral system. While religion isn't necessary for morality, it definately helps define the values and morals of a person and community. If a community can come together and agree on a system of values, then there's less potential for violence due to incompatible values. Religion is a social contract. Religion is also a comfort, and can help with the immense wait of loneliness we face. If the trees and water have spirits, then you are not alone. If your loved one goes to an afterlife after death, then they are not alone.

Religion has as much potential for harm as any world view. Just as there have been countless atrocities committed in the name of religion, so too have there been countless atrocities committted in the name of science. Does that mean we should just toss out all of science? No. In the same way we shouldn't get rid of religion.

Additionally, "Religion" isn't a monolith. It's not one world view, but a category of world views. There are many forms of religion and each religion is different. Monotheism, polytheism, animism, ancestor veneration, etc- these are all different kinds of religion that can overlap with eachother too. A bad experience with one religion doesn't define all religions. With all due respect, your experience is anecdotal, and you can't apply your singular lived experience to every since religion in the world.

And for Jews, our religious identity is deeply important to us. We've been persecuted for thousands of years for our identities, and we've miraculously not disappeared from the face of the earth. You don't have to understand why your friend is religious, but you need to unpack why you think he's corrupted and why you think you have the right to apply your experience with religion to every religious person. The fact that you were raised Christian might be another contributing factor to your bias towards your friend- antisemitism is often deeply ingrained in aspects of Christianity.

[kit-williams]

Yandere Boys in Husbandry verse

So Disclaimer I'm going to be talking about the differences for the boys verses their "canon" selves.

Off the bat take them from an 11 to a 5 and all the darlings have modified origins. A lot of them will lose their fic's main kink (see the Salamander being altered)

Feel free to message/ask for more information about the boys

Azazel is only slightly less paranoid but he wont jump to physical aggression Pet is a retired soldier adjusting back to civilian life.

Palion...not much is different just he isn't as intense/murderous Muse is recovering after an accident she narrowly survived and is dealing with more mental trauma at this point.

Harram is one of the many who was coming up on a decade without having a bond partner and had met Ferum before he met Ori. Having come to the call of one of his brethren dealing with a deadly marine getting too close to where his small charge was. Ori recently lost her husband to an industrial accident so is now a single mother and wanted something to channel her energy into.

Arkyn literally a feral Space Wolf who walked up and decided to help her prep for winter and stayed for much longer. Elskling is a retried soldier who enjoys off the grid survival is enjoying Arkyn's help for the winter.

Ghosk is still an asshole but like many Night Lords is HIGHLY possessive of his charge. He is someone who would quote the "myth of consensual sex meme" when it comes to her dating life. Rabbit is like many Night Lord Owners... they just showed up one day and refuse to leave. She's a runner doing marathons and other such and a one time Olympic athlete.

Sirus is prone to falling to the black rage and seeing moonlight was the first time he has broken out of a black rage without the help of his chaplain. Moonlight is a college student who was out on a walk when Sirus entered her life. She was surprised when the local blood angel chaplain had asked her to foster Sirus but she agreed. Now she is unsure of their bond.

Vauth doesn't change much except is a bit more affectionate than his full yandere counterpart. Byte is a computer repair tech who started to foster an Iron Hands just as a side project as she was told to use up her saved up vacation days.

Zul needed someone to foster him and when his darling came to him looking scared just begging for him to play along he did his job and decided he liked the way she held his hand tightly. Zul was simple in his choosing of her. Spaseniye did not actually want to foster a space marine but accidentally clung to Zul as a way to frighten off a man who wasn't taking no for an answer. She figured he would stop following her around once he felt the coast was clear.

Tulio doesn't change much in this setting he's still head over heels for his Psychi again love at first sight. Psychi has been wanting an Astarte companion as she just got out of a long term relationship and needed something to distract her.

Solos fell head over heels for his new host and has been feeding off of Lovie as of late. He is still quite the parasite. Lovie is another who is use to fostering Chaos Space Marines but Solos is her first semi-feral Death Guard.

Nakht another who doesn't change much in his conversion to this world. He's still pompous and haughty and thinks he knows best. Birdie is an owner of a book store. Nakht came to her store one day and refuses to leave. Owns a Macaw.

Zhur is a LOT more calm though his feelings towards Dolly aren't much different... is more likely to woo her verses take her though he has some... interesting tastes Dolli/Dolly is another retired soldier who is use to fostering Chaos Space Marines so is enjoying the semi calm nature that is Zhur. Is surprised at how affectionate Zhur is but wont stop him.

Jihias doesn't change much, he like other word bearers learn about all religions. Is currently reading the lesser key of Solomon and the King James bible. Lamb lives (as I see it) in England and still has her aesthetic but also likes to dress up in period clothing as well. Jihias is a foster whom she wanted to try fostering with.

Nubin older and calmer and no in*est references for him in this. But when he gets going/possessive/protective he is like an angry dragon. Bev enjoys fostering older space marines, though not Chaos Space Marines, most of whom just like to relax and be stubborn bastards

Sor, Kazi, & Moremo they don't change much. Dove was originally just fostering Sor. She is a journalist and political activist at times though the group she is with feels like its going down a rougher path.

Keeper/Alpharius/Omegon they don't change. Vixen is a hacker, political mischief maker, and bio pirate whom just was getting into shenanigans before her Alpha Legionary made himself known.

Roland not much has changed for him. Bäckerin is a Baker. Roland followed her home one night and she made the mistake of feeding him bread. She happily enjoys his company

Tyberos has no idea how he got here and is currently looking for his chapter brothers. As far as he knows he is the only chapter master here. Doesn't understand the need to protect Ophelia but is unwilling to stop looking for his marines. Has taken her with him. Likes her smell. Ophelia lives alone with a nice sustainable garden and beehives. Likes to make her own wildflower soaps. Is not fostering a space marine... has currently been Astartenapped by Tyberos and is begging him to go home.

[creature-phases]

Backslide Analysis

I want to preface this analysis by saying that Backslide is about two things, one more so than the other. Surface level it is about Tyler being afraid of his career with Twenty One Pilots failing.

On a deeper level, it is about the cycle of depression. Here’s the fun thing about clinical depression, it does not go away. Sure you can heal, get better, and learn how to manage it so it isn’t so overwhelming, but it never truly disappears. I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that when you have depression there is a fear that you will slip back into your worst moments.

This is something I think Josh captures well with the music video. When he posted it to his Instagram he put the caption “This song is really meaningful to me.” If I had to guess I’d say Tyler probably laid out the album and let Josh pick whatever track he wanted. Probably with the exception of Next Semester since Tyler knew what he wanted to do with that one.

I’d wager that this is either Josh’s favorite song on the album or the one that spoke to him the most or likely both.

One last thing. Twenty One Pilots has always been a way for me to deal with my own mental health issues. When I pick apart their lyrics it is with heavy bias towards myself. There is a overlay of “if I wrote this this is what I would have meant”.

Anyway onto the analysis

[Intro]

I don't wanna

[Verse 1]

“Rat race, place to place, adding weight/Tendencies on repeat, innit”

This plays into the cycle of everyday life especially with depression. How it feels like you are just going with the motions and how that begins to weigh on you. This sort of monotony causes you to fall back into old habits, or maybe the fact that you are just going through the motions is the bad habit.

“Benefit from a shoe with no lace”

I’m not confident in what I think this line is saying. My interpretation of this line literally is that having shoes with no laces means there is one less thing you need to do, one less thing to think about, which can be a benefit or a detriment. A less literal interpretation is this line being more sarcastic and it being more like saying he feels like a shoe with no lace. That part of him is missing or that something is wrong. There isn’t a benefit.

“Take the seat with the crease in it”

This goes back into the discussion of cycles and going through the motions. The seat having a crease implies that he sits in that seat a lot. It’s part of the routine. This connects directly the line “Tendencies on repeat, innit”. In both its rhyme and its meaning.

“I don't mind if it's lonely, I don't mind if it's fair/I don't care, you control me, leading me anywhere”

To me, this reads as denial. He does care, a lot actually, but he’s trying not to, or he’s trying to convince his dark thoughts (Blurryface) that he doesn’t care. When you let depression and anxiety control you you try to convince yourself that you’re okay with that. That nothing is wrong.

“I don't wanna backslide to where I've started from/There's no chance I will shake this again”

When I first heard the “I don’t want to backslide” part I thought he meant his career, but the second half of this pre-chorus takes me away from that thought completely. I am of the firm belief this is saying “I am terrified of relapsing because I don’t know if I have the strength to get better again.”

The definition of “backslide” according to Merriam-Webster (yes I’m pulling out all the stops) is to “lapse morally or in the practice of religion” or “to revert to a worse condition”. I’m ignoring the religion aspect because I personally do not view TOP through a religious lens. I think the fact that this is the specific word choice means this song is very much focused on backsliding in mental health.

“'Cause I feel the pull, water's over my head”

If you listen to Twenty One Pilots you know that Tyler Joseph loves his water references. People have already connected this to the pre-chorus of Fall Away which I do agree with. This song and this album in general seems to be a love letter to everything that came before it.

Have you ever been caught in a rough wave? Because it is not fun and it can actually be terrifying. This line is about Tyler feeling the tug of old dark thoughts pulling him under the water. People will often describe depression as the feeling of drowning because it is a very apt description.

“Strength enough for one more time/reach my hand above the tide”

Struggling with mental health is exhausting and there are plenty of times where you have the thought “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” You don’t think you have the strength to keep reaching out for anything to grab onto.

“I'll take anything you have/If you could throw me a line/I should've loved you better”

I’m of the firm belief that a big part of this song is Tyler talking to his younger self and Blurryface. I know I’ve seen people say “Oh, ‘you’ is god obviously” which it very well could be, but that just isn’t the case for me.

I relate this to the feeling that my depression is kind of in cahoots with my younger self. I picture it as being willing to take any beating just so you can get out of this one hole. Obviously, no one is at fault for their depression and how that takes away their childhood, but it often feels that way. Like you are personally responsible and your younger self resents you for it.

I think a lot of people hate their younger self. You hear it often people saying “I was so weird back then” or anything like that. But those thoughts just make it all worse. I think in order to heal you need to realize that you often need to love who you were.

I also come at this from the perspective of a trans person. So part of that self hatred comes from that. Hating the fact you didn’t get to grow up as who you actually are. But once again, that isn’t your younger self’s fault. It isn’t your fault either.

“Do you think that now's the time/you should let go?”

This is the response to the previous lines by those dark thoughts. Give up, let the wave drag you down. Aren’t tired, just accept it. Which is then followed by

“It's over my head”

Which implies that Tyler listened.

[Verse 2]

“Bad place, on a hundred-dollar bass/kinda wishin' that I never did "Saturday"

I view this line as being about No Phun Intended. If you’ve listened to that album you know just how dark of a place someone has to be in to write that kind of stuff and sing it the way Tyler did. Also considering that Tyler was a high school student it wouldn’t surprise me if he had a super cheap bass. If not about No Phun Intended then I would say it would be about the Self-Titled album or Regional At Best for very similar reasons.

This connects directly to the idea of not wanting to Backslide. That fear of falling back into your worst moments. Not wanting to be in the headspace he was in when he wrote those songs.

This is then somewhat contradicted by him saying that he sort of wishes he didn’t put out “Saturday”. One thing I will say is I always appreciate Tyler’s sincerity when it comes to regret and anxiety. This is most blantant on Blurryface which makes a lot of sense. Considering this song is sort of the return of Blurryface it is even more appropriate. I’m not a huge fan of Saturday. Not because its “different” to what they usually put out, but I just don’t vibe with the music. It has some great lines but it does admittedly feel too produced.

I think part of this line is showing that the backlash from Scaled and Icy, which is best represented by Saturday, got to Tyler. He is only human. He has been very upfront in saying that he does, in fact, care what people think. This line is actually perfect at encapsulating his anxieties combined with his desire to not go back to a dark place.

Maybe he also feels like he wasn’t true to himself in that song, or that the response to Saturday is part of what caused his fear of backsliding.

“‘Is that a stain? You should change/Are you doin' good?/Did you solve all of your problems?’”

I’m very much of the opinion that the boy at the lemonade stand is meant to represent a younger version of Tyler. I often picture how my younger self would react to me now. I know one of the main questions young me would have would be “did we get better?” Then there is an even younger version of me that has no idea what he’s in for. He would represent “Is that a stain/you should change”. This is obviously referring to the back paint Tyler uses that represents his depression and anxiety. That younger version of him doesn’t know what is in store, so the paint is seen innocently as a stain.

“Thanks for asking, in a way, but/accidentally uncovered a new one yesterday”

Tyler has talked in the past about the cycle of getting better and then falling back. This line most directly connects to what I was talking about in my intro about the fact that depression never really goes away. Life goes on and new problems arise.

“What happened to what I brushed under the rug?”

This alludes to the fact that Tyler never truly solved some of his problems. Instead he just brushed them under the rug, but it didn’t stay under the rug,

“I used to be the champion of a world you can't see/now I'm drowning in logistics”

I’ve seen this connected to both Bandito and Forest as both have a bridge that focuses on Tyler being in control of a world and the destruction of said world. When you have depression you tend to be in your head a lot, and when you are a creative like Tyler, you are in it even more so. I heavily relate to creating worlds inside your head to feel a sense of control. There are ways I could relate this to the lore ™ but I’m not going to for consistency's sake.

The part about drowning in logistics. Creating a world as in-depth and with as many moving part as Tyler did is exhausting. Creating can be exhausting. You can get to a point where you over think it. It all ties back to the fact that Tyler could destroy this world.

“I don't mind if it's lonely (It's over my head)/I don't mind if it's fair (You should let go)/I don't care, you control me (It's over my head)/Leading me anywhere”

The earlier denial is being challenged and their is this sense of giving up.

“I don't wanna backslide”

The outro cycles back into the beginning with the “I don’t wanna-”. The fact that it is also lower and not as audible reflects the defeated nature of the song.

[whyyesiamachristian]

"Christianity is a death cult"

Ok, let's unpack that.

First, let's define a cult. A cult is an organized group whose purpose is to dominate cult members through psychological manipulation and pressure strategies.  Cults are usually headed by a powerful leader who isolates members from the rest of society. (Source) Usually, their purpose is for the leader(s) to gain power, sex, or money. Christianity as a whole does not fit this definition. For one, nobody gains anything by Christians going to church on Sunday. Nobody. Just spend a little time on indeed etc., and you will see that a pastor's salary is downright laughable. And although abuse can occur, it is still considered a heinous act. Something about millstones around someone's neck and a lake. (As an aside, children can also be abused in schools; does that make you anti-education?)

Furthermore, there is no set leader, and the doctrine even varies amongst different denominations. In a cult that would not slide. Any questioning of the doctrine would not be allowed. I've multiple times been told to do my own reading and talk to God about any questions I have. There are even people who have degrees in Christian theology. Such a method of learning and obeying a text is counter to what cults would want, because then you can come to your own conclusions (Gasp. A scandal).

So, the death part. Personally, I would argue that any religion or metaphysical view of the world would not be complete without an answer to what happens after death.

"But," you say, "your reward is only promised after death. That is a classic cult tactic, so I won't trust it."

And I would agree, it is wise to be mindful about manipulation. Except that that statement isn't actually true if you take a look at the bible. We are promised an unexplainable peace in God, as well as His council and love. I would say it's pretty neat to be unconditionally loved as a child of the perfect father on this side of heaven too. And He does give good things this side of heaven and promises to take care of us. We are promised just a small taste of what life was supposed to be like.

You might be asking yourself why Christians and the bible talk so much about death, then. It's because the main doctrine, the core point of Jesus' death, was that death was defeated. By dying, Jesus declared us to be His and forgave our sins, but also faced death head-on showed that it couldn't take Him (Here is a really cool video that can explain it better than I can). We talk about death so much because it seems like such an intrinsic part of the world we live in now, that it's kind of a big deal that it has no power.

I would like to add, I am not trying to attack anyone who hold this viewpoint. I am just trying to explain from a Christian point of view why I disagree with this idea. I know a lot of people who think this have experienced some form of religious trauma, so it's not a judgement on them at all. I just want to maybe make someone ask themselves, do they think this of Christianity itself, or the evangelical culture that wronged them.

-Peace out, God loves you.

[nfumbewalk]

Crystals, Herbs, Rants

I've always loved crystals. The fascination started as a kid when we visited the coast a few times a year. The old seashore shop was full of glass fishing floats, life saving appartuses, storm worn wood, jewelry (mood rings!!) & lots of toys but mainly LOTS of crystals! Geodes of amethyst & quartz, huge slabs of Obsidian - green & black, like what I have, but much smaller. It is Seaside, Ore. Greatest place on the North coast (Astoria too!).

The Ore. coast should be more known for crystal shops. There's a great one closer to me now in Yachats, Ore. (Said: Yah-hawts) Obvious Native Americans did own this place. 😉Like our Willamette, said Will-am-met, which translates to "valley of sickness." Lovely! Sorry, ADD brain is jumbled.

Back to crystals n shit! They are essential to my work. I don't wave them and get a magic breeze with a "Aahhhh." Nope, get to know me, I'm extremely practical. My crystals are clean, but never, ever saged - because I despise sage & I think that it's an anathema to everything, every energy out there. I would rather go find dry pine needles in the desert and use those. And what's the deal with Dragon's Blood atop of sage? Nightmare of odor! Smoke & mess, no thanks.

I've written books on herbalism (long out of print) and I'm very knowledgeable about plants, resins, oils, tinctures, even marijuana & making hemp oil (known commercially as RSO) for medicine. I did not get ANY of my knowledge from the internet & I find some seriously messed up herbal correspondences online. I got my information from books, but old ones, like Culpeper, Grieve, Agrippa as well as a couple good Witchcraft sources like Sybil Leek & L. Huebner, neither of them being "white" light. Paul Huson is much known & borrowed from for ppl online. Trust me, his stuff does not compare. I also have other Witchcraft books predating 1960 that help me tremendously. Where did I get these?

Hunting old book stores & thrift stores because my town is a freaking *haven* for witchcraft, but not quite my style, so I've always been solitary. I'm much too misanthropic to have any relationship with anyone in person. Online? Sure, just beware of my barbs, though I'm not even close to being a Scorpio. 😅

I'm not claiming to know much, just a lot of little details about certain things & I'm shady on other things. I know what I paid attention to. All goety - good. High magic - mostly, a lot I fudge because I hate Crowley's, Mathers, Regardie's....etc, mumbo jumbo. I won't make an effort and I won't even remember the LBRP! Why? Hated the ritual & all the goddamn vibration. I don't vibrate in my practice, except when I have to - really loud banishment rituals, usually of lesser known demons and amped up strong spirits. Ppl who've known me a long time can attest to my hatred of "ceremonial" magic. Just because ppl call it 'high magic' doesn't make it superior to 'low' magic, or goety.

Some are suited to certain types of magic, everyone has a niche somewhere. The niche can be found quickly, or in my case, it can take 20 years. Never knew that working with muertos would be the my path. Yes, Orisa, and they are equal. Equal I say? Well - I'm NOT in a Orisa religion. I agree with some, but not a lot. I completely disagree with initiations being forced. And they ARE forced. Sorry.

Yeah, pay for this, pay for that. Bollocks. No cash for enlightenment!! I know exactly where the money goes & it's not needed. People raise & board animals for sacrifice. Non-initiates can cook food. Setting up ceremony is not that hard. They want money for fancier soperas & temple goodies. I can understand paying for time, but it doesn't need to cost thousands of dollars.

I told my dad (R.I.P.) about Palo & the prices. His head spun. He said no matter what, religion has nothing to do with money. Man does. Man wants money, he wants the sucker to be culled. - Welcome to one of my lessons of The Con: In's & Out's. Taught by Frank Thorp, best dad ever! I don't con often, but if I ever do, I was taught by the best. That's one thing my brother never got from him. My older brother is kinda dead-to-me because of his "Fake Antifa/Communist" ways. Dude, he's 53 years old. Grow the fuck up. I live with this crap. I'm in a college town. Sucks!

More rants? I just sound old cos I am. Middle-aged & strange. And I have a very interesting present & past full of happy, sad, spooky, synchronicity-laden stories. Hope to blog here. Let's hope for more follows!

[coldfadingdeath]

not something I usually post but some personal reflection about religion :

christianity and especially the reformation have been great interests of mine for a long time and that's why I started to look into studying theology. I went into it almost completely non-religious, but now, after I've been at it for a while, I think my feelings about my own spirituality have changed.

even with my interest and respect towards christianity I've always rejected the thought of actually being christian (I am part of a church and have been baptised but that's mostly because it has become a secular tradition, at least in my country, whether you're religious or not) and I genuinely think it's just because of the misrepresentation of christianity. I mean no hate when I say this but I feel like the people who are the loudest about christianity are a lot of times also people who know the least about the nuances of the religion, and I think a lot of us can agree behaviour like that is very off-putting.

however after diving into theology (which is taught at our uni in a way that doesn't involve or require anyone to be religious) I feel like my world view has changed. I had never before actually given much thought to what I personally think about God or whether he exists or not beyond my "I'm not religious" stance. courses at the uni however introduced to me all sorts of theories and arguments regarding God which I've spent great deal thinking about and I have come to the conclusion that *gasp* I do believe in God. or I guess it would be more accurate to say that I feel like I cannot realistically deny the existence of God.

so when we break down christianity to the most basic elements it's about the belief in God, right? does that mean that I now identify myself with the christian religion? I'm honestly not sure. I feel like this realisation is the start of a journey for me and I don't know where it's headed yet but I guess I really just wanted to document this and get my thoughts out

[doublel27]

I can’t get me head around Carlos’s wedding, because either it was always set up as a sham for health insurance, in which case how did that get through his Catholic/ law enforcement family, or it was a genuine wedding? And in either scenario how did Carlos’ sexuality never come up? Even if they thought he had turned straight, how are they apparently not surprised when he’s with TK?? I’m not actually that mad at the plot point, it’s entertaining in the absurdity and I’m glad Carlos has his own friends, but I wish there had been even a crumb of set up…

If we ignore *waves hands over season one and many other things since* all that, I believe it was a real wedding.

I want to be very clear, from my personal experience I come from a white upper class family on the coast with parents who lived and worked in San Francisco in the 1980s. My father talked to us about trans people in a positive light in the 90s when one of his colleagues transitioned and was much happier. I grew up with a father who left Catholicism and in a fairly liberal Congregational church which was the first church to include trans rights on their charter. My sister and I fought to get our individual church to adopt the charter out of the national organization and won that in 2005. I came out to my parents in 2007-2008. My sister came out to my parents in 2014. My parents have two trans children-in-law. I grew up exceptionally lucky.

That being said, when I came out to my mom, I got a lot of lines like “You can still change your mind in the future if you want to.” “I don’t want life to be harder for you.” And “I am just so grateful that you can get still married in this state even if it won’t look like I planned it.”

That’s my mother in the context I presented.

I can only imagine for Carlos who grew up Catholic, a denomination which this year the pope stated that “Being gay should not be a crime but is still a sin.” It’s 2023. That’s their position in 2023. Carlos came out to his parents in 2013, maybe earlier. The position was harsher internationally, and in Texas it was likely just as harsh, even in Austin.

When Carlos called himself the project in 4.02, it’s because while the American Psychological Association denounced conversion therapy for sexual identity in 1997, religions were still using it. The Catholic belief that you can “repent sin” and “try to do better from sinning” is an essential tenant. There is a very real belief that you can change it if you try hard enough. That you aren’t trying hard enough if you give in.

Carlos coming out and then marrying a woman could easily be seen as Carlos resisting the sin of his sexual desires. In Texas in 2013, you could not marry a same-gender partner. People who had children in Texas and were living with same-gender partners were getting their children taken away from them for living with a person they were unmarried to. That’s the reality of Carlos’s context when he came out.

So I think he married Iris for real. But then they fell apart. Again his family never talked about it. Iris moved out. Moved in with a new boyfriend eventually, and Carlos never talked about it. But divorce is a HUGE deal to both individuals of the Catholic faith and individuals in Texas.

If you get a divorce, as a practicing Catholic, any other marriage is invalid in the eyes of the Catholic Church (or at least that’s what I learned from friends growing up). You need an annulment in order to consider the next marriage legitimate in the eyes of God. Now, they won’t consecrate a marriage between two men, but clearly his faith is something that is important to Carlos that he’s struggled with.

I am sure his parents speculated about the reasons for the separation, going back to his coming out. They would have known about Iris’s disappearance. They would have waited to see. I’m sure by the time they saw him with TK, they weren’t surprised.

I agree, there are 60,000 different choices that could have been made to set this up. But as they weren’t, we’re just going to make it through.

[shrekgogurt]

Thanks for the tags! @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @artsyunderstudy @cutestkilla @sailorblossoms

I have a head full of thoughts and a body paralyzed by anxiety. I’m sure y’all know that old song. If I could spend my days just thinking and being, how magnificent would that be? But, then no one else would get to know my thoughts and I would probably get evicted. How sticky and tricky life is…wouldn’t you agree?

I have a few stories holding me hostage. The main one is my Secret Snowflake Exchange submission. One of my undergraduate professors showed us a TED Talk during my first year at uni titled “Your Elusive Creative Genius.” Somewhere in the middle, Elizabeth Gilbert discusses creativity as something outside of oneself; sometimes it grabs hold and you manage to eek out some content, but other times it moves along. In short, we are hosts of a creative essence rather than the creators of the essence. Well, this story has chosen me. It has been bubbling for some time (I can literally feel it boiling my insides, making me nauseous) and threatens to explode out on a page. (Doesn’t it know I have to give myself a crash course in Koine Greek over the next 32 hours?) I’m all sorts of unsettled.

As some of you know I currently attend seminary, or as I like to call it ‘Grad School for Jesus.’ (Don’t worry, it’s in a gay way.) This fic is quite vulnerable because it deals with my complicated feelings about my own religion. I’m cautious about sharing because I don’t want to spoil the surprise or like trigger anyone since Christianity is often quite the harrowing ordeal. However, it only vaguely follows the prompts (which I feel quite guilty about…) so I don’t think the person will necessarily guess.

Simon doesn’t know. He was so damn sure or maybe he was never sure at all. He can’t form words, gasping for the breath someone said God breathed into his lungs. His heart hurts in a twisting tension that threatens to rip him open but won’t budge. He wants to pull the hair out of his head. He wants-

He wants. And isn’t that the problem.

Because I'm me, I have a song I've been listening to a lot for inspiration. It isn't directly as a songfic rather just general vibes.

Thank you to everyone for the love on my little song I wrote for Carry On Countdown Day 19: Heal. If you haven’t checked it out yet, I’m pretty proud of it so I don’t know, I would recommend it. (Please just ignore the fact that I’m straight up actually bad at guitar like this isn’t me feigning incompetence I am not good at the instrument.) Now, to hope for a Hail Mary (and maybe say a few who knows maybe I’m feeling saucy today) to pass Greek. My prof just sent me an email…

Tagging because I think you're cool!

@aristocratic-otter @asocialpessimist @bazzybelle @bookish-bogwitch @captain-aralias @facewithoutheart @fatalfangirl @hushed-chorus @ic3-que3n @ileadacharmedlife @theimpossibledemon @ionlydrinkhotwater @ivelovedhimthroughworse @johnwgrey @larkral @martsonmars @missbliss12 @moodandmist @onepintobean @pacey-bunce-loves-joey @palimpsessed @raenestee @taramembrence @takenabackbytuesdays @tea-brigade @twinkle-twinkle-up-above @thewholelemon @whogaveyoupermission @yellobb @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

[patchworkideas]

Yugi/Atem, M Rated

-

Alternate Universe - Subnautica Fusion, No Subnautica Knowledge Required, Happy Ending, Science Fiction, Survival, Adventure, Romance, Grief/Mourning, Trauma, Fluff, Communication, Cultural Differences, Ancient Egyptian Religion - Freeform,

Includes but not very graphic: Sex, Injuries, Infection, Parasites, Politics, Death (not main characters and off screen)

-

Atem, Crown Prince of Khemet, a world only recently introduced to the wider universe. On the way to an arranged marriage to an alien princess he's never met. Hoping to save his people.

Yugi Muto, head engineer of the Gandora and grandson of the captain. The ship his home, the crew his family.

4546B, an unexplored ocean planet.

Two survivors. One lifepod.

-

Chapter 1

Atem wasn't even surprised anymore.

Exasperated, desperate, but not surprised. The last months had been getting progressively worse after all. Really, he should've expected this.

"Listen," he hissed with the little patience he had left, "I am not some spoiled tourist. Lives depend on me getting there in time. And if you can't get me there," he gestured derisively at the broken parts of the supposedly top class ship, "then tell me who can!"

The man looked at him calculatingly, before finally relaxing and drawling, "Well, you are trying to leave Federation space, so your pickings are slim. Needs a whole lot of paperwork to even get permission. That alone would take most ships days - if not weeks - at the very least to set up. Buuuut - I think I do know someone who could help you. Far as I remember old Solomon still has his permit, and is flying in that direction anyway. I meant to meet him here while both our ships filled their tanks. But I already sent him a rain check after your emissary in spe insisted the repairs couldn't wait - so he's likely not staying long. He's over in Bay 613. I can send a message, but if I were you I would run. No telling how long he's gonna wait."

Atem cursed in a highly un-princely fashion and gave the order - in his native Khemetian - to grab the most important gifts. They didn't have time to carry all of them over.

Grabbing one of the rings from his hand he turned to the man again.

"Send that message. And continue the journey as soon as you've finished your repairs. I will meet you there."

Handing the solid gold ring with its precious stones off to the man, he pulled out his rather new tablet for quick directions. It had definitely been overpriced, gift or not. Not even two month old and already much slower than it should have been. Stupid, cutthroat Federation tech-

Atem finally rushed forward. Blind, desperate hope to prevent a senseless war in his heart. To provide a future for his people.

Or at the very least buy them time to prepare with his own life.

-

"Only a fool would willingly travel through Zorkian space. Nevermind visiting their homeplanet. So no, I will not be flying you there. But!" the old man continued before Atem could further voice his desperation.

At this point he wasn't above begging and he feared it showed.

"I know there's a trading station with a direct connection - if you are fool enough to step foot on one of the Zorkian ships too. I can get you there, but it's going to cost you. Not that you will have use of any of your luxury where you are going."

"Thank you for the warning, Captain. I believe that this should suffice?" The number on the check was not a bad one for the distance, but admittedly on the low side considering they were leaving Federation space. Before the old man could voice his open displeasure Atem continued, "I will double it if you get me there in under a month."

"Triple. This old lady isn't made for speed, and on top of running her ragged she will need a whole lot more to drink."

"Deal." Atem agreed, aware of the calculating glint in the man's eyes. There was something about the captain that warned Atem not to underestimate him. Despite the jolly nature he had at first shown there was clear intelligence there. If they negotiated for long, like his people usually did, he feared the price would only rise.

And he really didn't have the time.

Nor the stomach, if he was entirely honest with himself. In which case he would have to admit that he would likely not be doing much negotiating at his destination either. Or ever again.

Honesty was overrated.

Captain Solomon blinked, and looked at him for a moment that felt like an eternity. Atem couldn't read him, even though that was literally what he was trained to do.

With people of his own culture, rather than planets all over the universe.

Not being able to read even a simple ship captain was disconcerting. Disheartening, really.

But in the end the captain laughed. They shook hands and that was that. Atem's fate was once again sealed.

And if there had been a hint of pity in the old man's eyes when he told them where to go, Atem ignored it.

He had been getting entirely too good at that.

-

Perhaps the pity for once had not been for his coming fate, but rather for the immense discomfort he and his people would be facing the next weeks.

"The cargo bay. They expect us to sleep in the cargo bay?!"

"They don't usually transport passengers. It was hard enough getting passage at all, and we all agreed before leaving that our mission is more important than our comfort. Did we not?" Atem admonished his attendant. Shada? Shadi?

He had read up on all six of them before undertaking the journey. Each of them volunteers without family. High enough up the hierarchy to matter, low enough they weren't irreplaceable.

The least he could do was remember their names.

But Atem was tired, tempers were high, and most of all he just wanted his friends right now. Mana who could make anything look like a good thing, could make him laugh when he was crying. Mahad who always knew what to say, who had fought tooth and nail and had to be restrained when Atem left anyway.

Atem couldn't let him come along, as he would have if given the chance.

And he couldn't not go. His people needed him.

Even with all that in mind he was still glad when one of the crewmen came by and at least fabricated them some beds.

A young man - boy? - with wild, colorful hair. Same height as his, but Atem was short for a Khemetian. And Federation people all seemed to be giants.

Quickly silencing his attendants muttering, he nodded his head in thanks - a federation gesture he had picked up from their diplomats.

There was nothing comfortable about this journey or the destination, but at least he wouldn't already be hurting all over when he arrived.

Chapter End

Wanna Read More? Head to AO3. Updates weekly!

[lovelessdagger]

The Fall of the Jedi | Chapter Five: Considering The After and Without

Pairing: Hunter x OFC

Rating: Mature

Summary: “If not a Jedi, who are you?” Yoda asks. She shrugs. “Myself.” He looks at her with that hard quizzical stare often reserved for younglings or rebelling Padawan learners. She is both under his watch. “And who is that?”

Slow Burn, Canon Divergence

WARNINGS: Explicit Language. Sith Nonsense. Religion.

Words: 4.5K

Masterlist | Daybreak Masterlist | AO3 | Prev | Next

“You have a mother,” Anakin tells Odella, two days after the Battle of Geonosis. For the first time in six years, she is without Elenia Tarré, and it’s news she’d rather not hear. She, along with some other Padawans have been allowed a day of ‘solace and reflection’ for the Masters they have lost. 

Mourning is not the Jedi way.

Anakin lays beside her on her bed, arms crossed behind his head. Odella mimics.

“What?” She asks.

“I met her while I was away in Naboo. I met your whole family, actually. They’re great friends with Padmé—Senator Amidala’s family. We had tea.”

Her only reaction is a blink.

“It’s a little insane,” he continues, taking no notice to her. “You have six sisters and four bothers. The eldest are already married with children.”

“I have ten siblings?”

“You’re the youngest.” He shrugs. “Did you know Thoren is the name of your mother? She says it’s tradition for the women to carry it. ” It’s possible she could get a word in if he’d take a breath between his own. “You look just like her,” Anakin says. “Your mother. All your sisters too.” He turns on his side. “Your mom said Thorens have strong genetics. It’s like you’re those clones we fought with.”

“Did they…” Odella hesitates. This wouldn’t count as breaking Code, would it? She’s only curious, and young, she can’t know better. “Ask of me?”

“It’s all they wanted to know,” he laughs. “Your father was delighted to hear we’re friends, and that you’re doing so well. I told them all how wonderful you are. Your parents were eager, your siblings less so but still intrigued. They’re very proud of you Del, and they can’t wait to meet you.”

“Meet me?”

“I told them we would try to visit again soon.”

Her tan skin pales, a subtle frown gracing her features. “Ani, why would you say that? I can’t meet them.”

“Sure you can,” he says. “We can. Padmé has a property on the lakes that we stayed at. You and I can go and maybe she will too, and—and you’ll meet them all and you’ll finally have a family again.”

“I don’t need a family,” Odella says.

“Everyone needs a family.”

“I don’t.”

He frowns, and as a nervous habit, tugs on his Padawan braid. “I thought you’d be excited. To have a mother again.”

“Again?”

“Elenia—“

“I don’t want to talk about her.”

“All I’m saying is,” he moves onto his elbows, looking down, “I lost my mother, and you lost yours. You’re getting another chance at one, why not take it?”

“Because I am a Jedi.” She turns away, he flips her back by her shoulder. “Or I plan to be.”

“Don’t you ever want more than this life?” Anakin asks, complete with earnest. “Haven’t you wondered of all the things you’re missing out on because of the Order?”

“On occasion, yes,” she admits, whispered. “But that does not mean I should act on it.”

“Why not?”

“It is not the Jedi way.”

“And you must always live in accordance to the rules of the Jedi?”

“Yes,” she groans, exasperated. “That’s kind of the whole point of the thing.”

Anakin settles into a similar frown, sitting up fully. “I believe we have choice.”

“We do,” Odella agrees. “You can either be a Jedi and follow the rules, or you can not, and not.” 

“And would it be so bad to not be a Jedi? Do you hate the idea so much?

“If I am not a Jedi, I am no one. I am nothing. I have no value.”

“Don’t say that. Of course you do. You mean a great deal to a lot of people, including me. Jedi or not.”

Odella looks up. “Would you ever not be a Jedi?”

Anakin says nothing at first, but he cracks his back like that were the intention all along. “No,” he says. “I don’t think I’m allowed to leave.”

It’s a far grander home than Odella imagined. The architecture is different than the rest of Theed. Distinct, tall, looking as if it were made of pure white marble. Eight slender columns in the front, four on each side, a door in the middle. It’s something of a mix between the buildings of ancient philosophers of the Outer worlds and a mock of a church.

HOUSE OF THOREN lays adorned gold on a black plaque at the base of its foundation.

She could walk in, couldn’t she? If it were indeed a desire. It is her right to enter a family of mirrors she does not recognize. Would they give her a seat at dinner? A room? How well could she fit into a family built in opulence and material?

“They’re artists,” Anakin told her. “Best of Naboo. Painters, sculptures, dressmakers, musicians, anything. Padmé says you’re one of Theed’s oldest families. They’re part of the reason artistry is held so high.”

She doesn’t expect to feel anything from being here. A sense of belonging, family, desire to know. And she doesn’t. All it is, is a house, a very beautiful house, but a house. A home to twelve.

What’s worst about it all is that she can’t feel upset over not feeling upset.

She shouldn’t be here, noon has only just passed on Coruscant while Naboo enters evening. Few lights are visible from the outside, and she is only one of many gathered in the yard for admiration.

Though the prospect of being a tourist attraction isn’t the most appealing, it does help her in not looking like a criminal.

“You’d probably be a singer, no… a dancer. No, singer, both,” Anakin said. “Or politics. You’re always the odd one out.”

“Look at these lilies,” an older woman beside her gasps, leaning down to the garden bed. She touches orange petal and follows to the red tulips beside. “Oh and the hyacinths, what a gorgeous yellow.” She looks to Odella, the only one giving her attention, and grins. “They say there’s a flower planted for each daughter. The sons have statues around Theed.” Her attention then turns to the rest, gently running her fingers on their petals.

“Zantedeschia, petunia, and iberis,” Odella lists, pointing. The woman spares her a look, and she blushes under the mask covering her face. “I… garden. Too.”

“Ah,” she quips, moving along with her cane.

“Wait,” Odella jumps, “There are only six varieties. I heard they have seven daughters. Don’t they have seven? A Jedi… person.”

A spindly finger raises, pointing at the top of the steps. In a single pot sits an orange flower, as deep as the burning of flame and sunset.

“Orchids,” Odella says.

“I’m sure you know they require great care. They’re difficult, and quite easy to kill. For it’s protection, it sits high above the rest.” She hums a chuckle of sorts. “Befitting for a Jedi, no? Better than us all.”

Odella frowns, head cocked. “I’m certain she wouldn’t see herself that way. The Jedi are humble people.”

“Are they?”

“Yes.”

“Then why are they paraded as war heroes?”

“I’m not sure its their choice, the Republic they—” she stops short, clearing her throat. “The people need something to believe in, and lightsabers photograph well.” A sentiment repeated from the Chancellor.

When the war began, every Jedi from as young as new Padawans to as old as Yoda, were photographed and given Republic issued IDs. A handful were selected for advertisements, propaganda posts to the Republic. Odella was chosen for her connection to Palpatine’s homeworld.

“A favor, to your family,” he told her. 

Dressed up by a team of people she didn’t know, she was posed with the title of Naboo Knight circulating while they unraveled her Padawan braid.

The knighting ceremony was the next day, they all said it would come out anyways and she was saved the trouble of a cut. She was the only Jedi without a piece of themself to hold.

“If they do not have choice,” the woman says, “What hope does that give the rest?”

Odella cannot offer further thought or conversation befitting to her role of a Jedi, undercover or not. So she doesn’t, and walks away tugging the hood to shadow her eyes.

The snow on Kaller is the fresh kind, pillowy instead of ice. The boots of Clone Force 99 sink four inches deep, Wreckers six. The woods are never ending, Tech leading the group with his head stuck in his nav system.

“I thought you were a map,” Echo says to Hunter. “Can’t you figure out where we’re going?”

“Better to let Tech figure it out,” he says. “Before he complains he could have done it anyways.”

“Oh.” Echo nods.

“Hunter doesn’t want to stick his hand in the snow,” Crosshair calls over his shoulder, in front of the pair with Wrecker.

Hunter coughs. “That too.”

“It bothers his precious nerves.”

“Oh,” Echo repeats, less understanding than before.

“Shut up Crosshair,” Hunter says.

“Do you have to touch the ground?” Echo asks. “I thought it just,” he motions, “Happened.”

“Connecting to the core makes it easier,” Hunter explains. “I can figure out exact locations, distance, roadblocks. If I don’t it’s more like…” he trails off, sparing a smirk and a glare. “Echoes.”

“Funny.”

“Besides, there aren’t large sources of electricity here.”

“What does that matter?”

“If whoever we’re helping were under a mass attack, I’d get a feel for the clankers,” he shrugs, “We’re in no rush.”

“It should still be a priority—“

“Echo,” Hunter interrupts. “I get that you’re still new to the group, but you gotta realize we don’t work like or with the regs for a reason. The rules, the protocol,” he waves his hand, “It doesn’t mean much here.”

Echo stops for a moment, his permanent frown deepening. “I’m a reg.”

“Were,” Tech quips from the front. “It’s debatable whether you’re much of a man at all anymore.” He looks over his shoulder. “Do not be discouraged, ultimately it is for the best.”

“How so?”

“You’re far more useful in your current state than you ever were as a reg.”

Crosshair snorts. “That’s still in the air.”

“Shove it Cross,” Hunter says. “Echo’s fitting right in. He’s one of us now, we gotta give him a little credit, it’s not easy changing teams.” He leans over to Echo. “Don’t worry about him, he mocks because he cares.”

“I do not,” Crosshair mutters.

A pelt of snow hits the back of his head, knocking it forward. The iciness of its chill melts down his neck, into the collar of his blacks. He turns sharp, a glare to match. Wrecker stands to the left as the source, tossing a snowball in his hands.

His cackle is a barrel, huge form doubling over. “You should see your face Cross!” He mocks his brothers expression, over-exaggerated face pinched in, jaw dropped.

A mocked face which soon gets hit with its own ball of snow.

Chaos breaks loose in the woods, each member brought into the fight on account of Wreckers aim being considerably worse than Crosshairs. The bigger one forms a sphere the size of their heads. He carries it above his own, stomps leaving deep prints in the snow.

“Wrecker!” Tech calls from his position on the ground, having slipped in attempt to stand. His arms shield his face, cowering away.

“Shouldn’t you stop that?” Echo pants. He at least had the foresight of putting on his helmet before joining in. Unlike Hunter, whose newly wet hair sticks to his face. He doesn’t seem to mind much.

His head waves from his to side, puffing air. “Wrecker!” He calls, gaining attention. “Make sure his data pad isn’t on ‘em. Don’t wanna ruin it.”

“Oh,” Wrecker gruff. “Good call Sarge.”

“No need,” Crosshair speaks from their lineup. He waves the technology with a grin. “It’s in safe hands.”

Tech looks over with fallen jaw, eyes bulged out. “Have I ever mentioned how I love you all?”

“Not particularly,” Echo says.

“Good.”

Hunter shrugs, and waves. “Fire away, Wrecker.”

Hunter leads the group again, a pissy Tech refusing to ‘aid you neanderthals any more’. Sometimes he could be more dramatic than Crosshair, it was honestly impressive. Or it would be if it didn’t mean Hunter had to plunge his hand into the snow.

“Hey Sarge?” Wrecker asks.

“Yeah?”

“Now that Dooku is dead, shouldn’t the war be over?”

“No,” Tech answers, the first he’s spoken since the hike began. “There is still General Grievous as he’s taken control of the Separatist militia.”

“Right,” Hunter nods, “Even after that—“

“The Republic will need to discuss deals of diplomacy with the Separatist planets.”

“Yeah and—“

“And, there will no doubt be remnant supporters, extremists guerrillas in need of handling. On paper, the war will end. In reality, it may take many more months until the Separatists are defeated entirely.”

Hunter sighs. “What he said.”

“What happens to us?” Wrecker asks.

Hunter looks to Tech who shrugs, and sighs again. “We’ll get sent to deals with those extremists.”

“And after that?”

“After?”

“Like when there’s no more Seps. Then what?”

The group settles into this forced silence, crunching footsteps their only sound. It’s a prospect no clone likes to imagine to great extent. The After.

When the war is won and the people free. When the Jedi return to whatever it is they did before this whole mess started on Geonosis. Hunter was only eighteen when the war began, nine years out of the growth tube. This moment, this war, it’s all he and all his brothers have been groomed to know. 

Without it, what are they?

Men sure, clones, defects specifically. Though, Tech might be right, they’re objectively more useful than the regs. Surely the Republic will find some use for them. But then they’d be separated, for the first time in their lives…

He’s heard regs talk about it before, what they plan to do. Most have some idea of settling in groups in the Outer Rim, keeping to their own. The idiots—in his own opinion—have thought up fantasies of starting a family. Finding a nice girl or guy or whoever, having the whole married life, kids.

Yeah right.

The only one with those chances is Cut, and he’s already achieved it. The children aren’t even of his own, which is better for everyone in the long run. Clones are infertile, a specific choice of the Kaminoans. The last thing anyone needs is millions of the same men breeding the galaxy.

Talk about a disaster.

As for Hunter… He tries not to dwell on the subject of The After. He’ll stay with this brothers for as long as he can, forget about everyone, everything else.

“We’ll make our own way,” Hunter decides aloud. “Stick together.”

It gives no one comfort, but he isn’t sure if he was trying to.

“Hey! Hey!” A young boy runs to Clone Force 99, wearing a brown hooded robe and a mix of neutral colored dress under that. He waves frantic, a single distinct braid of brown hair waving with it.

“We’re fighting for him?” Wrecker mumbles.

“He clearly is a Padawan,” Tech says. “I’m certain the Jedi Master is close by.”

“Hey, I’m talking to you!” The boy stops in front of the group, hunched over and panting. “You’re the reinforcements aren’t you? Where’s the rest of your people?”

Crosshair snorts. “We’re all you’re getting kid.” Hunter shoves him in the stomach.

“I’m not a kid,” he retorts. “I’m Caleb. Caleb Dume.”

Hunter crouches slightly, giving a nod. “Good to meet you, Commander Dume,” he points to himself, then the others, “I’m Hunter, that’s Crosshair, Tech, Echo, and the giant’s Wrecker.”

Wrecker is the only one to wave.

“You guys are clones?” Caleb asks. “You don’t look like clones.”

“We get that a lot,” Hunter says. “Where’s your Master?”

Caleb point to where he came. “She’s with Capitan Grey—“

“We’re helping Grey?” Wrecker groans. “C’mon!”

“Can it Wrecker,” Hunter says. “Go on Commander.”

“We’re surrounded by B1s, I barely made it out. We were told there’d be more of you.”

“Don’t sweat it, we’re all you need,” Hunter stands, putting his helmet on. The rest of the group mimics. “Just lead the way, and we’ll clear it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Sure we’re sure.” He shrugs and looks back at the squad. “Bad Batch, it’s time to get to work.”

“I’m sorry, citizen. These matters are for the council to discuss.”

“I understand.”

“…Ahsoka. More to say, have you? A message for Skywalker, perhaps?”

“No, Master. Thank you. I’ll tell him myself when I see him.”

“May the Force be with you, Padawan… Appear you may, Odella.”

“I’m glad to see Ahsoka looks well,”  Odella says, turning on the holoprojector in her palm. “You know, her outfit looks to be inspired by Mandalorian—“

“Have you entered the home of Palpatine?” Mace asks, reappearing.

She swallows collecting spit, and nods. “I have.”

“And surveillance—“

“Is a nonissue. There’s no electricity in the entire place,” she motions behind her, “I had to come outside just for a signal.”

“And security?”

“Thought I was Talia, fixing up some… painting, I don’t know. Point is, he let me right in.”

“Good. As soon as you learn anything you call this channel immediately,” Mace says.

“I understand… Master, if I may ask one question—“

“I have to go. I will be awaiting your call.”

 He leaves just like that.

“Of course,” Odella sighs. “I should—“

“Odella,” Yoda interrupts. “What have you, to say?”

Her smile is close lipped, mimicking a straight line. “It’s nothing, Master.”

Yoda hums, shaky blue hologram nodding. “Lie, a Jedi does not.”

“It’s a good thing I’m not a Jedi right now,” Odella says, soft like the wind. She wipes her clean hands over the dark linen of her pants. Gloves bulge untouched in her pocket. Quinlan always said those with their skill should have them on at all times, a preventative measure of sorts.

He never wore his own.

“If not a Jedi, who are you?” Yoda asks.

She shrugs. “Myself.”

He looks at her with that hard quizzical stare often reserved for younglings or rebelling Padawan learners. She is both under his watch.

“And who is that?”

Odella remains mute, she doesn’t know.

If she is not a Jedi, she is no one. It may be for the best.

“Apparently I am my estranged sister Talia,” she cracks, forcing a full smile, teeth and all. “She’s a painter, not a Jedi.”

He grants her no relief of amusement.

She looks to the sky, the sun is due to set soon. “I should retreat inside before I gain suspicion. I’m sure your attention needed on Kashyyyk as well.”

Yoda sighs. She carries less pride from it than before. “Rasie you well Master Tarré did. Better than I. Separate you and her, never I should have done. Alive she still may be. Different you would be as well.”

She frowns, a line showing between her brows. “Do you not like how I am?”

He avoids a direct answer. “A strong Jedi you are, and belief in the Force you have. It is belief, respect for yourself you have not. Failed you in this manner, I have.”

“How would you rather I be? Like Elenia?”

“No,” he answers without thought. “Like yourself.”

Palpatine’s home resembles more of a decrepit palace than any other functional living space. Everything is a mix of dark grays and blacks with ostentatious accents of gold. Furniture is limited, a single chaise lounge of red velvet by an unlit fireplace. Odella walks with a small lantern given to her by the guards.

Paintings are large and scattered on the walls. Landscapes at night, wilted flowers, abstract splatterings Odella could never derive meaning from. She steps to the one closest to eye level, a delicate white writing of Talia Thoren painted in the corner.

She’s very talented, Odella decides internally. She herself was never very good in such creation. Though, she supposes she might have gotten a legitimate chance to explore if younglings were permitted arts and crafts past the age of four.

Talia must be close to her in birth order if the guards so easily allowed her entry. Or Odella looks far older than a twenty year old girl. She’d rather not ruminate on this option. Anakin did say the eldest of her family have settled with marriage and children—that she’d certainly prefer to not project on herself—perhaps Talia joined the lot of them.

I can’t believe I’m an aunt, Odella thinks. All the announcements and milestones she must have missed. Twelve different people with her blood, attending each others weddings, caring for another in sickness, playing pretend as children, ranting about the hardships of life as adults. She doesn’t believe any of them think of her, she hasn’t thought of them after all.

Maybe when this is all said and done, she’ll return to the home. Properly introduce herself, allow her parents to know of the young woman she’s become. That the Naboo Knight is more than an outdated promotional photo. That she has interests and passions and beliefs. She can meet her brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews if they’re around. The children would certainly be excited to meet a real Jedi, they always are.

It’s best she does none of this. In case they say she’s not met any expectations. Better to stay a fantasy.

Odella follows the wall further into the palace, feet clacking against marble. She has nothing but the Force to guide, but it’s yet to lead her astray so far, so she holds no worry. Her shadow stretches from the lanterns illumination of sunlight gold, turning her body long.

She steps into his office, a sharp contrast from the rest of the home. The lantern hangs on a hook by the doorway. It’s a cluttered space with knick knacks and bookshelves, actual paper thrown about, cobwebs in the corners. The room lacks windows and any other means of ventilation, a stuffy dusty mess.

“Palpatine is always so put together,” she mutters to herself. Everyone must have their secrets.

Going through it all in a regular means would take all night at the least, and if she’s being honest none of it looks all that important. Drafts of bills from his time as senator, personal finances, books on history, more paintings from Talia.

Odella hasn’t had many interactions with Sith, but surely they aren’t this boring.

“That’s why what we do is so cool,” she hears Quinlan say to her. One of his first lessons to their ability. “Everyone else sees what’s right there right now. We see how it used to be, what it means.”

She wants to call him a bastard, but her tongue feels heavy like cement.

Running her hands across the bookshelf, she pulls on various ones, hoping for a trigger. Nothing. She moves to the desk, searching under for a similar solution. Again she is empty handed.

No memories come either.

Huffing, she looks up and follows the light of the lantern. It hits the wall behind her, shining on another painting. This a portrait of Palpatine, dressed in his typical Chancellor garb. The white signature of her sisters stands prominent in the corner. So it was made recently, unremarkable if not for the fact that the Chancellor rarely visited Naboo. What with the war and all. It’s a wonderful likeness, if it were commissioned surely he could have it shipped to Coruscant. Not trapped in this decadent cell.

The shadow of the light begins above his eyes, his visible skin ghostly below it, the smile haunting. It hangs above the mantel of another fireplace, unlit candelabras on either side. This small slat is the cleanest portion of the whole room. Odella runs her finger along the dark wood, picking up no dust.

Interesting.

She grabs the lantern and a random note from the ground. Something about the pay schedule of the guards from seven cycles ago.

Putting the paper on fire, she quickly lights each candlestick and blows out the paper. The floor rumbles under her, and she leans against the desk, a swift panic. Planetary shockwaves never showed up in her research.

The fireplace lowers into the ground, candles now stood as spikes. A deep tunnel appears in its place, cement walls curved at the top. 

Grabbing the lantern again, Odella leans into the hole, seeing nothing but the abyss. Does this warrant a call to the Council? Most likely not. Mace would say she’s wasting time. For all she knows every politician has a secret backroom. The Temple has its fair share of tunnels and underground roadways after all. Palpatine is an esteemed man, if he had to make a quick escape this would be it.

A chill comes from the inside, prickling her tan skin. She feels a pull in her chest, her feet stepping forward without her brain realizing it.

Odella follows the path until she comes to a set of stairs, carefully stepping down. They’re steep, giving her issues with balance. Palpatine is healthy for his age but she’s a Jedi struggling on the endeavor. When was the last time he could do this? Before she was born certainly.

She comes into a much smaller room, matching the plainness of the home above. It’s all cement, she calls out to the void to hear an echo of herself in return. The lantern does nothing here, so it’s set down. From her hip and under her cape, Odella grabs a hilt of her sabers. Purple light fills the room, and she has to hold it an arms length away to avoid being blinded. 

The floor is smeared in deep red paint—or she assumes—circles and scribbled illegible aurabesh all alone it and its walls. Pedestals stand scattered, ancient artifacts on display. Books, weapons, metal made masks.

“Put your gloves on during creepy investigations,” she hears from Quinlan. “You don’t wanna touch the wrong thing and get sent into shock. Believe me.”

Spite enters her soul. Fuck him.

“Right then,” Odella says to herself. “Let’s get to work.”

A cruel fact of psychometry: It was never meant for dealing with Sith. Memories and emotions are meant to be pleasant and kind, not rotten and cruel. And so, it is by then a similar truth that memories and emotions are more often than not just that. Rotten and cruel. 

She’s undone by a single touch to a scroll, the farthest thing in the room, not even getting a chance to open it. Everything is a momentum of flashes from decades ago. Palpatine, a figure of shadow, ritual candles, red plasma light.

Ultimately, the gloves wouldn’t have done much but lessen the torture. The dark side penetrates however it can into the soul.

The pain is unlike one she’s ever felt before. Her entire body is captive to a chill, to nails in skin and crippling agony. As she falls unconscious, splayed across the concrete floor, her head slams against the stone. Her lightsaber throws itself out of her hand, rolling across the room with its violet hum. Her spotted white vision fades to black with only one final thought:

Chancellor Palpatine is the Sith Lord.

Chancellor Palpatine is… Darth Sidious.

Next: ORDER SIXTY-SIX

[fjebfjebfnenbf]

Full Name: Serena Jazmin Sabella Nickname(s): Mouse (by some family and old childhood friends) Faceclaim: Maia Reficco Gender: Cis woman (she/her) Sexuality: Bisexual Birthday: February 7, 2001 Hometown: Aurora Bay, CA Current Resident: Aurora Bay Drive with her parents Time in AB: All her life Occupation: Style influencer; part-time attendant at the Move House; Graduate student Education: Bachelor’s in Sociology, currently working on Master’s in Philosophy Religion: None Pets: A light brown bunny named Rosie; family dog (Chihuahua) named String Bean

HEADCANONS

Very bright but has a tendency not to trust herself and seek validation and reassurance elsewhere, especially from her parents, sister, and closest friends

Loves traveling and has done a lot of it with her family. Can come off not so much as spoiled but as kind of jaded in the way she talks about it like it's not that big of a deal. This is the case for a lot of the privileges she's had in her life

Has a lot of creative skills (writing, drawing/painting, fashion, etc.) but suffers quite a lot in other areas--for instance, doing her graduate degree has been really hard for her because the organization aspect of studying and writing essays is very difficult

Chronically online (especially because she's a fashion influencer), but she's trying to limit how much scrolling she does lately because she thinks it's significantly affecting her mental health

Has about 130k followers on Instagram. Very dedicated to her outfit of the day posts on her story

Obsessed with Bruce Springsteen, dreams of going back in time and marrying him

Hypersexual but has phases of not being into hookups so if she's not in a relationship she's sequestered in her room a lot I fear! She does love being in relationships but she would also much rather sleep around than be in one with someone she's not absolutely head over heels for

Has a lot of internal conflict over her sister. Eva demands a lot from Serena and Serena loves her and wants to give her whatever she needs, especially because Eva's always there for her when she's in the right mental state, but it also gets very suffocating

Doesn't really have anything particular in mind she wants to do with her Master's in philosophy beyond maybe teaching one day (when she gets sick of partying), she just really enjoys it and her parents are pretty happy to financially support her if she's doing something academic and at least working a part-time job while she does it (and she makes some decent money through sponsorships on social media)

Loves plants and fills her living space with them as much as possible. Talks to them while she does her watering routine

Definitely not someone who looks for fights or plays devil's advocate but also has strong opinions and doesn't have a problem engaging people in arguments about something she doesn't agree with

Loooves cooking and has a super innate talent for it, rarely uses cookbooks or recipes or anything

STATS

Hair Color: Dark brown

Eye Color: Brown

Height: 5'4

Tattoos: TBA (Scattered flash tattoos mostly up and down her arms and a small tbd tramp stamp)

Piercings: Double lobe in both ears, septum she never wears anymore

Favorite Movie: Starman

Favorite Alcoholic Drink: Manhattan

Favorite Food: Ham & Pineapple Pizza

BIOGRAPHY

In many ways, Serena has never had much to complain about in her life. Good parents with good jobs who set a good example and made enough money for more than one vacation every year; an older sister whom she’s always gotten along with, despite Eva’s mental health issues; a solid group of close friends who have dwindled but never disappeared entirely even after high school; and more than one creative talent she was able to pursue after graduation. In many other ways, however, she probably could have complained but never felt entitled to it. Not with Eva in and out of mental hospitals once she turned fourteen. Not with her mom’s high-stakes job as an attorney and left-wing political activist, or her dad’s equally high-stakes job as a neuropathologist. Certainly not when her best friend from childhood was constantly dealing with far worse family issues than Serena, and always seemed to find herself in bad relationships that Serena had to help her get out of. When her first serious boyfriend right out of high school told her once during a fight that she needed to learn to set boundaries with her friends and family, it was the beginning of the end of that relationship. A couple years later, a newer college friend asked her at a party (after Serena had disappeared for half an hour to talk Eva down over the phone) if she thought that maybe her sister sometimes took advantage of her unconditional loyalty. Serena said no, and to drop it, but for the first time she’d felt a little uneasy about it. Still, if somebody asked her whether she thought she had a habit of dismissing her own problems in favor of her family’s and friends’, she would point out how she has a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology, a successful social media presence, and will, in a year’s time, have her Master’s in Philosophy. And surely somebody who was detached from their own problems couldn’t have accomplished all that.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

Any friends from school! She goes to Aurora Bay College for her grad degree and was there for her undergrad as well

Coworkers at the movie house or regulars maybe she’s helped you sneak in if she thought you were cute hehe

People she's met at open mic nights, especially whom she's terrorized with endless Springsteen covers

Exes (maybe two or three) on any terms and plenty of hookups and one night stands

Would love someone she's pining after who doesn't want her/is too old for her/something like that. This would not become a ship! Just unrequited yearning for Serena

Internet friends!!!!! And internet rivalsssss

Besties in general and lots of party friends <3

Connections from captive circumstances, e.g. stuck in an elevator together, stuck in line for something, etc.

Oh please oh please give me lots of childhood connections, positive and negative. First bf, first hookup with a girl, used to be friends now enemies, weren’t friends in school but found their way to being friends after high school, lab partners for life, bonded in detention/over hating a teacher, walked together during the mile run in gym class <3, ditched math together, neighbors, babysat Serena, was her camp counselor, old friend of her parents, etc

[pennyserenade]

i won’t ever write fox and dana because i think there’s so many people who do such a brilliant job at it already, but i will always flirt with it via inserting javi p. into their insane little world. i think he deserves to be there and that’s my delusional to have. dana would have someone who better understands her when it comes to religion - because admittedly fox is not always good with it - but not so much that fox finds himself isolated or cast aside. javier has his moments of doubt, understands what it’s like to both feel abandoned by god and also the afraid of what a godless existence might make him feel like. it is complicated, but explainable. javier and fox are so myopic in their convictions, with dana usually being so level-headed and sure. i think it might be nice for fox to have someone listen to him, agree without judgement or thought, even if isn’t really good for him. that’s not to say he despises that dana disagrees with him. he needs her to. she is vital, important, and he couldn’t live without it. but sometimes he needs another person to be crazy with him. javier might even disagree with him, but he’s willing to let him be more careless in the name of discovery. fox is going to do these things anyways most of the time, so it’s better to have someone who won’t try to stop him initially. it might make dana feel better too, once she gets over the anger—how no matter what, fox has someone there with him, caring as much as she does.

also they would for sure all explore each other’s bodies! dana scully will be the most loved woman in the world. fox is so tender with dana sometimes. he looks at her with all the affection a man can muster and it’s loving and warm and makes her feel safe, but sometimes that’s not what she needs. it’s hard to explain, almost embarrassing, but javier makes it easier. he has no reservations about it. you won’t hurt her, he will tell fox one night. dana is between his legs and fox is above them. fox is in her, above her, around her, the heady scent of their sex vibrant in air. but he is cautious. she is bruised and small and the world has been so unkind to her. he just wants her to feel nice. he doesn’t get that sometimes feeling nice means rough, that she wants him to fuck her— that she needs him to, particularly after a bad day. not until javier touches his arm and tells him bluntly, so certain, that he won’t hurt her. it is nice for dana not to have to explain to fox about these things. she loves him so much, but sex is different, not like what they do at work or during cases. fox will learn dana wants to be taken, overcome, submissive, that sometimes the best thing he can do for her is help her forget with the rough thrust of his cock. she is so sure, so steady, but in bed sometimes she needs him to take charge. it’s wonderful. he learns that it makes him feel so needed. javier will guide them there, show fox how to do it—prove how it’s loving even when it’s angry. it is nice how javier understands dana will not fall apart. she cares a great deal for him, for them. they explore a lot. fox shows javier what it can mean to be tender, vulnerable, how sex can be soft words and even sometimes on bad bad days, tears. javier does not cry enough but fox does. he lost too much too soon, and was allowed the privilege of a young boy’s tears. fox will show javier how there is strength in vulnerability, because javier never feels fox is weaker when he does cry. he envies him at first, mostly, until he comes around to the idea of it himself. maybe he won’t weep, but he will come around to the idea of saying “this is too much for me to bear and i need help.” it will be so loving, so understanding!!!

[nothorses]

Interview With An Ex-Radfem

exradfem is an anonymous Tumblr user who identifies as transmasculine, and previously spent time in radical feminist communities. They have offered their insight into those communities using their own experiences and memories as a firsthand resource.

Background

I was raised in an incredibly fundamentalist religion, and so was predisposed to falling for cult rhetoric. Naturally, I was kicked out for being a lesbian. I was taken in by the queer community, particularly the trans community, and I got back on my feet- somehow. I had a large group of queer friends, and loved it. I fully went in on being the Best Trans Ally Possible, and constantly tried to be a part of activism and discourse.

Unfortunately, I was undersocialized, undereducated, and overenthusiastic. I didn't fully understand queer or gender theory. In my world, when my parents told me my sexuality was a choice and I wasn't born that way, they were absolutely being homophobic. I understood that no one should care if it's a choice or not, but it was still incredibly, vitally important to me that I was born that way.

On top of that, I already had an intense distrust of men bred by a lot of trauma. That distrust bred a lot of gender essentialism that I couldn't pull out of the gender binary. I felt like it was fundamentally true that men were the problem, and that women were inherently more trustworthy. And I really didn't know where nonbinary people fit in.

Then I got sucked down the ace exclusionist pipeline; the way the arguments were framed made sense to my really surface-level, liberal view of politics. This had me primed to exclude people –– to feel like only those that had been oppressed exactly like me were my community.

Then I realized I was attracted to my nonbinary friend. I immediately felt super guilty that I was seeing them as a woman. I started doing some googling (helped along by ace exclusionists on Tumblr) and found the lesfem community, which is basically radfem “lite”: lesbians who are "only same sex attracted". This made sense to me, and it made me feel so much less guilty for being attracted to my friend; it was packaged as "this is just our inherent, biological desire that is completely uncontrollable". It didn't challenge my status quo, it made me feel less guilty about being a lesbian, and it allowed me to have a "biological" reason for rejecting men.

I don't know how much dysphoria was playing into this, and it's something I will probably never know; all of this is just piecing together jumbled memories and trying to connect dots. I know at the time I couldn't connect to this trans narrative of "feeling like a woman". I couldn't understand what trans women were feeling. This briefly made me question whether I was nonbinary, but radfem ideas had already started seeping into my head and I'm sure I was using them to repress that dysphoria. That's all I can remember.

The lesfem community seeded gender critical ideas and larger radfem princples, including gender socialization, gender as completely meaningless, oppression as based on sex, and lesbian separatism. It made so much innate sense to me, and I didn't realize that was because I was conditioned by the far right from the moment of my birth. Of course women were just a biological class obligated to raise children: that is how I always saw myself, and I always wanted to escape it.

I tried to stay in the realms of TIRF (Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminist) and "gender critical" spaces, because I couldn't take the vitriol on so many TERF blogs. It took so long for me to get to the point where I began seeing open and unveiled transphobia, and I had already read so much and bought into so much of it that I thought that I could just ignore those parts.

In that sense, it was absolutely a pipeline for me. I thought I could find a "middle ground", where I could "center women" without being transphobic.

Slowly, I realized that the transphobia was just more and more disgustingly pervasive. Some of the trans men and butch women I looked up to left the groups, and it was mostly just a bunch of nasty people left. So I left.

After two years offline, I started to recognize I was never going to be a healthy person without dealing with my dysphoria, and I made my way back onto Tumblr over the pandemic. I have realized I'm trans, and so much of this makes so much more sense now. I now see how I was basically using gender essentialism to repress my identity and keep myself in the closet, how it was genuinely weaponized by TERFs to keep me there, and how the ace exclusionist movement primed me into accepting lesbian separatism- and, finally, radical feminism.

The Interview

You mentioned the lesfem community, gender criticals, and TIRFs, which I haven't heard about before- would you mind elaborating on what those are, and what kinds of beliefs they hold?

I think the lesfem community is recruitment for lesbians into the TERF community. Everything is very sanitized and "reasonable", and there's an effort not to say anything bad about trans women. The main focus was that lesbian = homosexual female, and you can't be attracted to gender, because you can't know someone's gender before knowing them; only their sex.

It seemed logical at the time, thinking about sex as something impermeable and gender as internal identity. The most talk about trans women I saw initially was just in reference to the cotton ceiling, how sexual orientation is a permanent and unchangeable reality. Otherwise, the focus was homophobia. This appealed to me, as I was really clinging to the "born this way" narrative.

This ended up being a gateway to two split camps - TIRFs and gender crits.

I definitely liked to read TIRF stuff, mostly because I didn't like the idea of radical feminism having to be transphobic. But TIRFs think that misogyny is all down to hatred of femininity, and they use that as a basis to be able to say trans women are "just as" oppressed.

Gender criticals really fought out against this, and pushed the idea that gender is fake, and misogyny is just sex-based oppression based on reproductive issues. They believe that the source of misogyny is the "male need to control the source of reproduction"- which is what finally made me think I had found the "source" of my confusion. That's why I ended up in gender critical circles instead of TIRF circles.

I'm glad, honestly, because the mask-off transphobia is what made me finally see the light. I wouldn't have seen that in TIRF communities.

I believed this in-between idea, that misogyny was "sex-based oppression" and that transphobia was also real and horrible, but only based on transition, and therefore a completely different thing. I felt that this was the "nuanced" position to take.

The lesfem community also used the fact that a lot of lesbians have partners who transition, still stay with their lesbian partners, and see themselves as lesbian- and that a lot of trans men still see themselves as lesbians. That idea is very taboo and talked down in liberal queer spaces, and I had some vague feelings about it that made me angry, too. I really appreciated the frank talk of what I felt were my own taboo experiences.

I think gender critical ideology also really exploited my own dysphoria. There was a lot of talk about how "almost all butches have dysphoria and just don't talk about it", and that made me feel so much less alone and was, genuinely, a big relief to me that I "didn't have to be trans".

Lesfeminism is essentially lesbian separatism dressed up as sex education. Lesfems believe that genitals exist in two separate categories, and that not being attracted to penises is what defines lesbians. This is used to tell cis lesbians, "dont feel bad as a lesbian if you're attracted to trans men", and that they shouldn’t feel "guilty" for not being attracted to trans women. They believe that lesbianism is not defined as being attracted to women, it is defined as not being attracted to men; which is a root idea in lesbian separatism as well.

Lesfems also believe that attraction to anything other than explicit genitals is a fetish: if you're attracted to flat chests, facial hair, low voices, etc., but don't care if that person has a penis or not, you're bisexual with a fetish for masculine attributes. Essentially, they believe the “-sexual” suffix refers to the “sex” that you are assigned at birth, rather than your attraction: “homosexual” refers to two people of the same sex, etc. This was part of their pushback to the ace community, too.

I think they exploited the issues of trans men and actively ignored trans women intentionally, as a way of avoiding the “TERF” label. Pronouns were respected, and they espoused a constant stream of "trans women are women, trans men are men (but biology still exists and dictates sexual orientation)" to maintain face.

They would only be openly transmisogynistic in more private, radfem-only spaces.

For a while, I didn’t think that TERFs were real. I had read and agreed with the ideology of these "reasonable" people who others labeled as TERFs, so I felt like maybe it really was a strawman that didn't exist. I think that really helped suck me in.

It sounds from what you said like radical feminism works as a kind of funnel system, with "lesfem" being one gateway leading in, and "TIRF" and "gender crit" being branches that lesfem specifically funnels into- with TERFs at the end of the funnel. Does that sound accurate?

I think that's a great description actually!

When I was growing up, I had to go to meetings to learn how to "best spread the word of god". It was brainwashing 101: start off by building a relationship, find a common ground. Do not tell them what you really believe. Use confusing language and cute innuendos to "draw them in". Prey on their emotions by having long exhausting sermons, using music and peer pressure to manipulate them into making a commitment to the church, then BAM- hit them with the weird shit.

Obviously I am paraphrasing, but this was framed as a necessary evil to not "freak out" the outsiders.

I started to see that same talk in gender critical circles: I remember seeing something to the effect of, "lesfem and gender crit spaces exist to cleanse you of the gender ideology so you can later understand the 'real' danger of it", which really freaked me out; I realized I was in a cult again.

I definitely think it's intentional. I think they got these ideas from evangelical Christianity, and they actively use it to spread it online and target young lesbians and transmascs. And I think gender critical butch spaces are there to draw in young transmascs who hate everything about femininity and womanhood, and lesfem spaces are there to spread the idea that trans women exist as a threat to lesbianism.

Do you know if they view TIRFs a similar way- as essentially prepping people for TERF indoctrination?

Yes and no.

I've seen lots of in-fighting about TIRFs; most TERFs see them as a detriment, worse than the "TRAs" themselves. I've also definitely seen it posed as "baby's first radfeminism". A lot of TIRFs are trans women, at least from what I've seen on Tumblr, and therefore are not accepted or liked by radfems. To be completely honest, I don't think they're liked by anyone. They just hate men.

TIRFs are almost another breed altogether; I don't know if they have ties to lesfems at all, but I do think they might've spearheaded the online ace exclusionist discourse. I think a lot of them also swallowed radfem ideology without knowing what it was, and parrot it without thinking too hard about how it contradicts with other ideas they have.

The difference is TIRFs exist. They're real people with a bizarre, contradictory ideology. The lesfem community, on the other hand, is a completely manufactured "community" of crypto-terfs designed specifically to indoctrinate people into TERF ideology.

Part of my interest in TIRFs here is that they seem to have a heavy hand in the way transmascs are treated by the trans community, and if you're right that they were a big part of ace exclusionism too they've had a huge impact on queer discourse as a whole for some time. It seems likely that Baeddels came out of that movement too.

Yes, there’s a lot of overlap. The more digging I did, the more I found that it's a smaller circle running the show than it seems. TIRFs really do a lot of legwork in peddling the ideology to outer queer community, who tend to see it as generic feminism.

TERFs joke a lot about how non-radfems will repost or reblog from TERFs, adding "op is a TERF”. They're very gleeful when people accept their ideology with the mask on. They think it means these people are close to fully learning the "truth", and they see it as further evidence they have the truth the world is hiding. I think it's important to speak out against radical feminism in general, because they’re right; their ideology does seep out into the queer community.

Do you think there's any "good" radical feminism?

No. It sees women as the ultimate victim, rather than seeing gender as a tool to oppress different people differently. Radical feminism will always see men as the problem, and it is always going to do harm to men of color, gay men, trans men, disabled men, etc.

Women aren't a coherent class, and radfems are very panicked about that fact; they think it's going to be the end of us all. But what's wrong with that? That's like freaking out that white isn't a coherent group. It reveals more about you.

It's kind of the root of all exclusionism, the more I think about it, isn't it? Just freaking out that some group isn't going to be exclusive anymore.

Radical feminists believe that women are inherently better than men.

For TIRFs, it's gender essentialism. For TERFs, its bio essentialism. Both systems are fundamentally broken, and will always hurt the groups most at risk. Centering women and misogyny above all else erases the root causes of bigotry and oppression, and it erases the intersections of race and class. The idea that women are always fundamentally less threatening is very white and privileged.

It also ignores how cis women benefit from gender norms just as cis men do, and how cis men suffer from gender roles as well. It’s a system of control where gender non-conformity is a punishable offense.

[larathia]

So, working at a library, sometimes you get asked questions about what appear, based on recent purchases, to be media trends.

A patron was noticing the new batch of Cruella movies, and put that with the Maleficent movies, and started asking about villains. And this discussion wound up, as talking with me in person tends to do, covering a lot of ground - starting with “why are these movies what Disney is doing lately” (in my view, it’s because in a lot of their older movies the strongest female character is the villain, so why not give her a story of her own) and finally ending up on ‘what makes a good villain’ and finally ‘what’s your favorite villain’.

I had to really think about that last one, because while I appreciate a good villain I don’t tend to think of them past that point. A good villain makes for a good story, and I tend to remember the stories more than the villain.  But my final answer was:

Vorbis.

Now, if you haven’t read Discworld, and therefore haven’t read Small Gods, I urge you to stop right now and go grab a Discworld book and get started. Yes, the fandom is huge. Yes, we have reading guides with flow charts and the entire fandom worldwide will happily leap at the chance to guide you to THE Discworld book we think you’ll love best, but the blunt truth of the matter is - you can pick up nearly any Discworld book, at any time, and you’ll probably get a very good idea whether you’ll like the series from that even if that particular book isn’t your favoritest one ever. Pratchett has a style that permeates most of his works. It’s kind of impossible to miss.

But let me get back to Vorbis, and Small Gods.

This book is basically Terry Pratchett poking at organized religion. The structure of the main religion under scrutiny would best be considered analogous to medieval catholicism, but - and this is where we start getting Pratchetty - it’s just a structure. What he talks about can be applied to any religion in history that’s had (or currently has) enough power, enough dominance in society, to be a dictating element in policy. Omnia, the kingdom he focuses on, is a theocracy. Any government in the history of the world that has been or is leaning toward theocracy is fair game.

Vorbis is the head of the inquisition. He is the head of that branch of the theocracy that deals with people who don’t properly align, mentally or behaviorally, with the theocracy’s rules. I bet just telling you that gives you this mental picture of Vorbis’ character. Unless you’re familiar with Discworld, you’re almost certainly on the wrong track.

Vorbis is devout. Genuinely devout. Deeply intelligent. Believes with all his heart that he follows the word of his god. Truly does the work he does because he believes it brings glory to his god, and takes nothing for himself - no wealth, no indulgences of any kind. 

And yet, he kills people every day. He arranges for wars to happen. He has heretics tortured, usually to death. I can’t begin to really describe how terrifying Vorbis is when you read about him - I wish I were that good a writer. I’m not. Because the worst thing about Vorbis is something one of the characters points out in the story itself. The worst thing about Vorbis is that he makes other people think the way he does. He twists the world, not deliberately or with intent, but just by thinking the way he does, showing people how he thinks. Even his enemies will start thinking the way he does - and I don’t mean agreeing with him. I mean the way Vorbis thinks human life doesn’t matter, compared to the glory of his god. Vorbis teaches this by his actions, so that other people start also thinking human life doesn’t matter, compared to - whatever ideal they have. He makes people around him, affected by him, forget that ideals mean nothing if no one’s alive to reach for them. He makes people forget that torture is a bad thing, full stop, that human suffering is a bad thing, full stop. And it’s not magic. It’s just...knowing how people work.

I don’t think I’ve ever run across a villain, in any book, that did that - that left kind of societal stain on the world even after they were gone, that felt that real, that ‘no really, watch for people like this in the real world’ human.