#I also have to rot in bed and doom scroll you know

[stravinsky-naked-photos]

Petition to audio dramad to stop releasing episodes until I'm done with my exams and caught up

[sourappl3s]

•°. *࿐ Simple yet full tutorial on how to manifest your dream life!

I will mention everything in this post! so if you comment something like “can i still manifest—“ or “how do i—“ it will be ignored! everything in this post goes by MY beliefs, you don’t have to change what you believe in! just understand these are what i’ve grown to believe/know. Enjoy the post! (also i’m not changing my theme i just think these colors go with topic i’m talking about. I WILL be a bit passive aggressive in this post so try not to get butt-hurt! i’m very straightforward with it.

╰┈➤ Step 1: Bury the old you for good. say goodbye to the old you.

are you the person who was, over-consuming information? couldn’t get off of tumblr because you assumed you needed to find more?, are you the person who keeps saying “i’m finally starting this time” just to get consumed by doubts and play the old story ONCE again?. are you the person who sobs in their room bed-rotting reading success stories so it can give you that “motivation”? oh but how you wish that were you? are you the person who keeps falling back into the old cycle?, are you the person who keeps thinking they need to be specific about their desires because you think if you aren’t “specific enough” you won’t fully get what you want? are you the person who keeps dwelling on the 3D for validation when they clearly know thats not what they’re supposed to do but continue it anyway? if you said yes ANY of this which i’m sure you did, then congratulations you made it to the right stop! because i’m here to burn that version of you. from now on you will become a better version of yourself, you WILL change self and you have absolutely no choice but to follow along with that fact. starting TODAY, THIS SECOND, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW. you are no longer dwelling on the 3D, you are no longer the person who “just can’t do it”, you are no longer the person who “can’t manifest”. you are no longer the person who over-consumes. you are no longer the person who doom scrolls, you are no longer the person who isn’t trusting of themselves. YOU ARE NOW A CHANGED PERSON. you will promise to yourself RIGHT NOW that you will never dig up this old version of you again. you will promise to walk by faith and not by sight, you will promise to trust the unseen, you will promise yourself to win. burn and destroy the shovel that you’ve constantly used to dig your own grave that prevents you from success. you will win in this lifetime and the next and forever. your promise has been sealed, don’t break it.

╰┈➤ Step 2: Make your own rules in your reality.

if you understand, you know law of assumption is basically about making assumptions and you make assumptions EVERY-SINGLE-DAY 24/7. so use the law of assumption to your advantage and don’t feel guilty about it either because this is YOUR reality! nobody has a say in what rules you’re not supposed to have. make it fun for you. for example; You assume everything you do is the right way. then by LAW, BY LAW! everything you do is the right way, wether that be, making assumptions, persisting correctly, living in the end correctly, being in the wish fulfilled correctly. EVERYTHING YOU DO is the right way to do it because thats YOUR rule you decided to have. you wanna assume another rule? okay make it. decide thats your rule and live your life following those rules you make. you are LIMITLESS, don’t punish yourself because you make rules that maybe seen as crazy or too egoistic. this is your personal journey so don’t feel obligated to tell anyone you don’t wanna tell them. you are above everything. nothing exists outside of you.

╰┈➤ Step 3: Decide.

decide, decide, decide, decide, DECIDE. decide you have whatever it is that you want that you have it NOW. thats all you have to do to literally win. there really isn’t much about this topic because you decide every day. to get what you want is to simply decide you have it now. don’t say you don’t know how to decide because thats bs, you know how to decide you’re just scared you’re deciding the “wrong way”. hence to why i said “You assume everything you do is the right way. then by LAW, BY LAW! everything you do is the right way, wether that be, making assumptions, persisting correctly, living in the end correctly, being in the wish fulfilled correctly.” decide you make decisions the right way. and there’s literally no right way to make a decision but some of you are a bit dense (no shade!) but some of you need to have a feeling you’re doing something “right” so you can feel successful. please stop over complicating the simplest things. you’re grown so act like it, we shouldn’t have to keep spoon feeding you.

╰┈➤ Step 4: For the last final time surrender to imagination.

imagination is the only reality, it’s literally everything, the inner world (4D) is everything the outer world (3D) is just a reflection. in imagination you can be EVERYTHING if you wanna be the girl/guy who’s better than everyone at everything then you can be that in imagination, wanna be richer than elon? then you are in imagination, wanna have elsa’s powers? then you have it in imagination, wanna be a vampire? then you are in imagination, wanna switch lives with someone? then you’ve switched lives with someone in imagination. once you experience it in imagination then IT IS DONE. ITS MATERIALIZED, you’re not waiting for anything anymore because it already happened. all your focus goes to the 4D (imagination). i didn’t say ignore the 3D keep taking care of yourself but i just want you to understand your success is inevitable! once experienced in the inner world the OUTER WORLD, is automatically doing its job to reflect that for you. so why are you constantly getting mad at the 3D for doing its job? it reflects what you consistently put your awareness on it reflects what you claim to have in imagination, it reflects everything you make natural to yourself. a’lot of you are hellbent on trying to get results in the 3D. you have results already in the goddamn 4D. stop waiting for something you already have. its not coming. it’s already THERE. you HAVE it. creation is finished. so surrender to the 4D, fall in love with imagination. if you have it in imagination you have it now, nothing can take that away from yourself unless YOU say you don’t have it anymore. quit giving yourself mixed signals. this isn’t one of your situationships. this is YOU we’re talking about. don’t be a loser in your own reality.

╰┈➤ Summary.

this is your final push. you can manifest absolutely anything, you are not limited to anything, circumstances do not matter, THEY NEVER DID, always pay attention to what you tell yourself, you’re in control of everything. don’t withhold yourself from success, because if you won’t do in this reality you will never win. besides in that other reality you’re the worlds most handsome/beautiful person ever. you’re also on your 3rd world tour rn! and jeez are you rich, you made poor elon musk cry! must be nice being you in that other reality! identify with it. ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

[sirenseraph]

🎧ྀི♪⋆.✮ 𝒟𝒶𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒦𝓎𝓁𝑒 𝐵𝓇𝑜𝒻𝓁𝑜𝓋𝓈𝓀𝒾 𝐻𝑒𝒶𝒹𝒸𝒶𝓃𝑜𝓃𝓈🎧ྀི♪⋆.✮

Cooks in the summer time.

His freckles would become darker and it’s the prettiest thing to see.

Would doom scroll on tiktok for hours a day

He definitely makes thirst traps (you like it of course but he can never know)

Keeps up with pop culture on X (twitter) and randomly rants to you about it while he’s sitting on your bed, shirt missing and a head of frizzy curls from the heavy make out session you just had.

Definitely got rid of the hat and learned to take care of his curls better when he entered high school and you often help him.

(you’re the only person who is allowed to touch his hair)

Random ass arguments with Cartman about the stupidest things known to man, while Stan just stands there and Kenny is too high and out of it to know what’s even going on.

Isn’t big on PDA or pet names. He’s tested the waters a bit, maybe throwing in a ‘babe’ or something but he would rather call you by your name.

He would also much rather hug, kiss or do anything physical with you in private where no one can bother him. Especially Cartman.

You would definitely call him ‘Bubbe’ whenever he upsets you though just to annoy him out of spite. But you also prefer to call him by his name.

He’s very athletic.

I HC him to be on the track team or a basketball player.

He’s really tall, probably around 6’4 making him the tallest out of the main 4.

You would probably reach to his collarbones which is perfect since hugging him is the most comfortable thing you can do.

He has to bend down slightly to kiss you

When you two started dating, you didn’t announce it to anyone, (except your parents) it was just implied basically and your friends would notice the way you smile at each other, or seek out each other in a crowd. or the way you would always be texting eachother and checking up on one another.

Rare times you would hold hands when walking together and when asked to hang out it would be met with a response simply saying:

^“at kyle’s maybe next time”

I feel like he would also prefer to figure out things in a relationship himself rather than go to others for advice. It’s his relationship and it’s going to be different from other peoples own.

You both definitely grew up together but only started recognizing your feelings later in your teen years.

He has diabetes (probably canon idk)

You always have snacks or drinks at your house that can help with his sugar levels.

He’s a smarty pants. If you need help with anything you can always go to him. He might make you feel stupid at times but it’s not out of making fun of you it’s simply just his personality.

You for sure repost a bunch of #ihatemybf videos on tiktok.

When he comes over to your house he pulls them up and asks you about it.

“Why did you repost this?”

“no i didn’t”

He loves you obviously and you love him too

A boss at Sudoku and Candy Crush. When he’s not scrolling on tiktok he’s playing these games like it’s his lifeline. You call him an old lady.

You always say brain rot stuff to annoy him

“sigma sigma on the wall-”

“please stop quoting brain rot”

“my bad king 😪”

On some rare occasions, he would be at your house, a movie playing softly in the background while you’re cuddled up against his shirtless figure . He’s running his hand through your hair as you gently tug at his curly hair that falls on his forehead. His deep green eyes staring lovingly into yours. You would trace his features with your eyes. Admiring his slightly hooked nose with deep freckles littering his face. He would notice this and smile softly, deep dimples on his cheek, a slightly flushed face from making out and a deep hickey on his neck that he would have to hide from his mother.

[rileythelonelyalien]

Late night groove

A/N: okay so this post may or may not be self-indulgent... but oh well, it just came to mind as I was scrolling through Tik Tok and I was like 'why not' lol. AnyWAYS i hope you enjoy, the other characters are still a work in progress but ill post them when I find the motivation and ideas for their scenarios.

charaters in this post: Caleb, Zayne

T/W: None, unless its maybe second-hand embarrassment lol.

word count: 888, all under the cut enjoy :D

Who hasn't accidentally stayed up too late doom scrolling on their phone only to have a mini concert with all the sounds you’ve saved and favorited on the app you've been scrolling? Well once again you've found yourself in the same situation. Alas… you forget that you no longer live completely on your own and that your partner could possibly catch you in your groove… surely not… they're asleep at this time anyways. 

Right?

CALEB:

Caleb was having some difficulty staying asleep, as per usual… an irritated grunt leaving his lips as he tosses in his bed for what felt like the hundredth time in the span of ten minutes. 

Reluctantly accepting that he wasn't going to sleep anytime soon he would drag himself out of the warm confines of his bed, if he couldn't sleep then he might as well at least do something productive in this time. Tweak some project he was working on or something…

What he did not expect to see was you. Sat on the couch, laptop that was left forgotten at their side with a new presentation from the hunters association about the updated policy and regulations that you were supposed to be reading up on… in favour for your phone that you had been scrolling on for a good hour or two now… perhaps even more, you weren't counting.

Oblivious you come across some sort of edit of a well known actor that had recently starred in a popular show, of course you were less so interested in the edit more so to the song that was playing. It's been trending recently and it has had a lot of edits under it.

You couldn't help but hum along as your upper body moves in time to the beat of the song, it was the type of song you could simply just feel yourself in. Your little impromptu dance, which you were under the impression was not going to be seen by anyone, is interrupted when a poorly stifled laugh cuts through the air.

You freeze absolutely horrid that you've been caught, slowly turning around feeling your face heat up in embarrassment knowing that you were caught doing something you weren't expecting to be seen doing. Of course Caleb could only stare back at you with a wide smug grin stretching across his face.

Oh yeah he was totally going to use this against you someday you just know it…

ZAYNE:

You’ve been trying to limit your screen time recently, after your partner had recently talked to you over his concerns about you losing sleep due to the blue light from screens as well as the potential for eye strain. Admittedly you have actually done quite well this week… granted that was also due to the fact that your job was keeping you busy enough to not give you the time to spend that much time on your phone.

Alas… you couldn't resist, it was your day off. What's some evening social media scrolling going to do anyway, right? Oh how naive you were…

Hours go by like minutes as you get sucked into the endless scroll of post after post. A brain rot video, a shopping haul, some pointless drama. Post after post, you don't notice how long you've been scrolling for…

Eventually you start to come across some fan edits of different actors from a show both you and Zayne have been watching recently scrolling through the comments and such. You come across a particular catchy song that's been trending recently. You hum along to it quietly before eventually before you realise it you're scrolling through edits lip syncing to the songs as if you were the one in these edits.

Meanwhile, Zayne has just arrived home after a particularly gruelling shift at the hospital, having to take much longer on a surgery to endure that it was a success. He was under the impression that given how late he had arrived home you would already be asleep.

Much to his surprise when he enters the bedroom there he sees you, lip syncing your heart out, your face being illuminated by the short flashes of an edit playing… It was a rather amusing sigh he had to admit but that didn't do much to stop him from frowning slightly with an exhausted sigh.

Hearing the sigh you pause, the edit is still quietly playing in the background but you're no longer lip syncing… you could feel the weight of embarrassment weighing heavily on your shoulders when you realise you've just been caught, not only staying up late on your phone once again… but lip syncing… oh the cringe was quiet strong with this as the silence wore on between you two.

Without another word Zayne would simply shed off his clothes, setting his glasses on the nightstand before reaching for your phone and setting it to charge. Then he would carefully wrap his arms around you snuggling up in bed, his nose pressed against the top of your head as he tiredly mumbles “It's late my darling, how about you sleep before you continue your performance?” 

You knew for a fact that this moment would now forever be locked in the vault of embarrassing moments that would play in your head when you try to go to sleep for sure…

[mikedfaist]

after reader invites him over and they have their night together how does that go? do they talk in the morning and get back together or do they say some more dumb stuff?

first, i want to apologize for switching back and forth with the povs. i have been awake since 5 am, and its 10 pm and my brain is liquid soup. also, this isn't my best -- hence liquid soup brain -- so bear with me, i am only a person

She texted him out of the blue – 10 AM on a Wednesday. She had woken up, taken a shower, and returned to bed with her cuppa. As she sat there, bundled up in her blankets on her side of the bed, she couldn’t help but feel entrapped by the loneliness. Engulfed and suffocated. If he were here, he’d be right there by her side, either a hand on her thigh or his head resting in her lap. Now, he’s somewhere else.

Can you come over sometime today to talk? I’ll be home all day.

Rotting in bed, but she doesn’t add that.

He responds ten minutes later as you were doom scrolling on Instagram.

Of course. I’m leaving brunch right now, I can be at yours in 20.

Yours. That stung. It was ours.

30 minutes later there’s a knock on the door; he’s apologizing for running late, the train stalled underground. You also notice he didn’t use his key. His hands are dug deep in his pockets, and you watch him meander in the entryway waiting for your cue.

“Would you like some tea? I put the kettle on a bit ago…”

So fucking formal for the same guy whose balls have been in your mouth. You bite the inside of your cheek as you revel in the sight of the man who without a doubt is thinking the same thing.

He shakes his head politely. “No thanks.”

You two sit on the sofa, a space separating you two that feels unnatural. He’s playing with his hands in his lap, staring blankly ahead at a magazine on the table. Numéro Netherlands. You were on the cover this month.

You have to be the first to talk – you invited him over – but you don’t know where to start. The last time you two spoke didn’t end well, and you aren’t sure whether to blame it on the fact you weren’t entirely sober, or that the anger carried with you was still prevalent and scorching beneath the surface.

“Thanks for coming…” He looked up at you with a surprisingly horrified expression. He really did come here thinking you were officially ending things. Cutting ties. Taking his key. “I’m sorry for how things went last time—”

“Stop, you had every right—”

“Michael, I fucking swear, just…” You pinch the bridge of your nose. “This is already hard for me, just let me talk.”

He felt his stomach fucking drop. This really was it. He hung onto the mere idea of a chance you would take him back, but now all hope was evaporating before him. His hands were clammy. He could feel his heartbeat in his head. He started to break out in a sweat.

“I miss you…and I hate what happened, and how it happened, and I wish I could just go back and redo the whole thing… It fucking kills me waking up and you’re not there, and going to bed and you’re not there, getting off stage and the one person I want to see isn’t there.”

He couldn’t figure out where to focus his attention. Her fingers picking at the skin by her nails, the magazine cover, the lone dog toy left absent by the coffee table.

“I just want to go back to how it was before… I don’t know if that’s possible, but I think about it a lot.”

“I want to try.” He bites his lip at the shakiness of his voice. He’s treading lightly, too worried to overstep and break apart everything they’re building up right now. “If you’re willing, I… That’s all I want, really.”

“I guess it’ll take time to find our footing again.” She forces a smile, but her eyes hold deep sadness. “I still love you. That never changed.”

Eventually, he agrees to a cuppa, but it becomes long forgotten when she sits on the counter waiting for the kettle to boil, and Mike strides in between her legs to hold her. The first time they’ve touched each other since before the fight a month ago. One kiss – hungry and passionate – leads to his fingers in her hair, and her knuckles white holding a grip to his shirt. Her hand falls beneath his top, cascading along his hip, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake.

He suddenly remembers the morning he fucked her against this very counter, a mere months ago, and how now they’re coming full circle.

“Bed?” You’re breathless, separating for only a moment but Mike is chasing back after your lips. You can feel him nod, but he doesn’t make a movement to separate from you. “Babe?” It falls so naturally from your mouth that it doesn’t register immediately, until Mike parts from you and lets his head fall to the nape of your neck. You run your fingers through his hair, letting him have his moment.

“I love you,” you feel his words pressed against your skin. He places a soft kiss to your neck, before lifting his head back up to face yours. Without a word, he mindlessly moves the kettle from burner and turns it off. “C’mon.”

He follows you up the stairs, and instinctively shuts the door behind you both. He undresses you like it’s a sin, taking his time feeling over every inch of exposed skin he could find. He really couldn’t believe his luck. He came here thinking he was losing you forever, and now he’s in your bed. He’s scrambling out of his clothes, watching you intently as you pull your shirt over your head to reveal your bare chest.

He doesn’t remember the last time he truly made love to you. Things have felt different since the new year, and things slowly began to break apart. Sex devoid of passion. It was no wonder things fell apart as they did.

He holds you taut against him as he ruts into you, a feeling you missed deeply. You don’t even feel embarrassed for how quick you feel that knot tighten in your stomach; you happily welcome it. You’re cumming hard around him, digging harsh red lines on his back as he chases his own high not far from yours.

Two more rounds, and by now it’s late afternoon. You two lay in an entanglement of exhausted limbs and bedsheets. He’s in the same spot you were daydreaming about only hours ago. His eyes are closing, but he’s reaching out blindly for your arm, tugging you close to him.

[shittyassffblog]

I'll be home for Christmas

Noah Sebastian x Reader

I recently saw some interview where Noah said he doesn't really go home for the holidays, so I decided to insert myself into that lol.

Warnings: Tooth rotting fluff, Noah smokes a cig (cause I saw a picture of him doing that at some point and decided to include it), tell me if there's more!

Also this was written months ago but I just didn't think a Christmas fic in September was really that fitting lol

Snow was falling outside your window as you listened to Noah streaming. It was an old stream, but he was in a plane on the way back home from Europe, so you couldn't talk to him. Anxiety filled your chest thinking about not talking to him. It's not like you were completely lost without him, you just didn't want him to die in a plane crash. You used to track his flight on an app on your phone, but after all these years of being friends with him (and having a huge crush on him) and him touring you learned to not get too caught up in your anxiety. Almost.

His voice from the old stream playing on your laptop, him laughing brought you back to reality and you realised it was 1 am. You decided you might as well go to sleep since he wouldn't be landing until 7 am the next day. You were flying out to LA in a couple of days, meaning the 24th of December, and you couldn't wait to see him. He didn't know you were coming, you had made sure of that, getting the rest of the band to make sure he knew absolute nothing about it.

He wasn't going back home, he had decided to just stay in LA and work on the music while the rest of the guys went home to their families. You felt bad for Noah, not having anyone to go home to. You had offered months ago to let him come to your house but he, in his words, 'don't wanna intrude'. So you folded and planned out your surprise for him.

You got up, went to your bathroom and washed the make up off your face. As you dried your face you looked at your reflection and sighed. The anxiety wouldn't leave your body and you just knew sleep would be hard to come by tonight. You brushed your teeth and exited the bathroom, turning off the lights on the way out. Walking back into your room you paused the stream and closed your laptop and set it on the floor beside your bed, getting under the covers.

As you suspected, you wouldn't sleep for the next 2 hours, finger hovering over the app icon for the flight tracker app on the last page on your Home Screen. You decided against it, and chose to doom scroll Reddit instead, falling asleep reading about someones asshole mother in law.

--

You woke up to the sound of your phone ringing on your glass nightstand, the vibrations your phone making the glass ring loudly in your ear. You grumbled and protested the sound, but to no avail, so you gave up and grabbed the phone. Looking at the screen you saw Noah's happy face smiling back at you. He was FaceTime-ing you and you accepted the call, his face showing up shortly after.

"What do you wanttttt" You said grumpily. His face was really close up to the camera and he looked goofy as hell. He pulled the phone from his face to smile at you.

"Just wanted to ease your anxiety, I know you don't do well with that." He said and you couldn't help but smile at that.

"Well I was sleeping so I wasn't anxious was i." You said in a teasing tone. He chuckled lightly.

"Should I go then? So you can sleep?" He asked, softening his voice.

"No I won't be able to sleep anymore. I'll probably sleep in an hour though." You said, pulling yourself up in a sitting position.

"Good morning sunshine!" He said and you chuckled a little.

"Had a nice flight?" You asked, rubbing your eyes to get rid of the sleep.

"it was alright, slept most of it though. Jolly went home to Sweden so he's been home for hours, wish that was me." He said laughing a little.

"What about the others, did they fly with you?" You asked, resting your head on your hand.

"No they went straight home to Virginia so I was all alone." He said. You could sense some sadness in his voice, but you knew if you mentioned it he would just deny it so you let it be.

"Well good thing you woke me up then, I can keep you company. And you me, while I make pancakes." You joked as you pulled the covers off of you and went into your kitchen.

"Oh yay." He deadpanned and you both laughed.

-

"Do you think I would look good with a neck tattoo?" You asked and Noah snorted.

"Why would you want that?" He asked.

"You have one! Multiple!" You said incredulously.

"I'm also in a metal band! and have tattoos everywhere else! You hav like, 6 tattoos and they're all stick and poke" He said and you looked at him. He had a point.

"Well just you wait until I get my hands on a tattoo machine, I'll have more tattoos than you before you even know what hit ya!" You said turning your attention back to the drawing you were working on. You heard his chuckle through the phone and it brought a smile to your face.

"Are you sure I shouldn't ask Nick if he could give you some tips? Help you start? You know he would love it, he could be your mentor!" Noah asked, eyes wide as if he had come up with the cure for cancer. You had thought about it, but you never felt like you were good enough to be an apprentice.

"No it's okay Noah. I'm not even sure if I'm good enough for that." You said, the drawing on your iPad taking shape. Without noticing you had drawn Noah from memory (and with some reference to the picture on your phone screen), and it was turning out really good.

"Of course you are! I've seen your drawings, they're really good! Better than most tattoo artists let me tell you that." He said and you both chuckled.

"Yeah well I'm still not sure." You said and he made a little 'hmpf' noise that you of course mocked. Silence fell between you as you concentrated on your drawing and he his computerscreen which had Logic booted up. He was working on new music when you had called and he told you it was good you called, since he hadn't drank any water or went to the bathroom in a few hours.

You started on his hair, the way it swooped across the top of his forehead and how it waved. Then his eyebrows, and how perfectly shaped they were with so little effort. His stubble, which was showing through right now as he sat staring at his own screen, the light from it illuminating his face with a soft glow. He was wearing glasses, so the screen was mirrored in the reflection on them. You always liked his glasses, they were very round and kind of feminine but they suited his face well. You were lost in your train of thought when a loud noise erupted from your phone and Noah was gone.

"What happened? Noah?" You asked, concern lacing your voice.

"I'm okay! Just fell off my chair." He said laughing. You started laughing too.

"This is why I tell you to not tilt on your chair!" You said between laughs.

"I know I know, I just get distracted sometimes." He said. "It really hurt though" He said, but a smile was very present on his face.

"Want me to blow on it? Kiss it better?" You said teasingly, shaking your head.

"That actually would be very nice," He said softly.

"Shame I'm so far away though." You said, knowing full well you'd see him the day after.

"Can you like, fly out here?" He asked, an expression on his face you very rarely seen. Only on occasions where he was talking about his wildest dreams had you seen such a look. It made your heart soar.

"'Fraid I can't sweet, gonna go see the family." You said, trying to keep your face as normal as possible.

"That sucks...I mean, not for you, you get to see family, but I don't get to see you." He said, looking down at his keyboard.

"Maybe if you make a Christmas wish it'll come true." You said, smiling lightly.

"Alright, cringe." He scoffed and you both laughed.

"Anyway I gotta go to bed. Hope the song turns out good." You said, smiling at him.

"Yeah yeah I won't keep you. Safe flight and text me when you land okay?" He said, reaching for the end call button.

"Yeah of course." You said. He smiled a small smile and ended the call. You felt a little bad lying to him, but you knew you'd see him in about 10 hours, even if he didn't know that. You just hoped he went to bed before that. You decided to text him to go to bed just in case he forgot.

Go to bed btw. Before you get square eyes from staring at that screen.

You put your phone down and packed the last of your stuff. After a few moments you got a text back.

Excuse me m'am but I am already in bed.

You laughed as he sent the picture and liked it.

Good boy.

You put your phone down and went to get to bed before leaving for Los Angeles in the morning.

-

"This is the final boarding call for flight 372A to Los Angeles departing from Gate 3"

You hurried along the long walkway down to your gate. You tucked your carry-on along after you and had your boarding pass in the other hand with a panicked expression on your face. You were gonna make it, your anxiety just wanted you to believe different.

"Hi I'm here I'm here!" You called as the last few passengers were boarding and the lady at the doors smiled tightly at you. You handed her your boarding pass and she looked at it and scanned it. It was 6:45 in the morning and you were so tired you had fallen asleep in an airport café and woke up to someone shaking you for your seat. You had looked at your watch and shoved the rest of your croissant in your mouth before grabbing your stuff and speeding off to catch your flight.

"There you are miss. Safe flight." The lady said and you muttered a quick 'thanks' in her general direction before hurrying into the plane. It was surprisingly empty for the 24th of December, but you still sat in your own seat in the middle of the plane by the window. It was still dark, but you couldn't wait to see the high up view of New York as your flight sailed through the sky to sunny LA. You enjoyed the view as long as you could but eventually you started yawning twice in a minute so you put in your AirPods and wrapped your blanket around you and tried to fall asleep to a Christmas jazz playlist you had downloaded. It didn't take long for you to fall asleep to the soft piano playing in your ears and before you knew it you were awoken by the flight attendant telling you that the plane was landing soon.

You packed your things again and waited until the plane was safely on the ground to turn off airplane mode and see three texts from Noah.

When were you landing again? I forgot.

I miss talking to you seriously. I'm just gonna go to bed again until you land.

Okay seriously wtf why is your plane so slow?

You chuckled at the last one and locked your phone so you could exit the plane. You decided not to answer him, deciding that knocking on his door would be the best way to tell him you landed safely.

Even though the plane was pretty empty it didn't mean the airport was. It took you easily 40 minutes to get your luggage but you decided to just be happy it was there and went to get a Christmas drink from Starbucks.

Exiting the airport you were affronted by the heat compared to New York. You took off your sweater and booked an Uber on your phone to Noahs house. Soon after, it arrived and you got into the backseat after putting your luggage in the back. You said hi to the driver and asked him if you could play some Christmas music. He smiled and obliged, wishing you a merry Christmas, which you returned with a smile. It took about 45 minuted to get to Noahs house so now it was 11:45 and you hoped Noah would wake up soon.

You arrived at the address you had given the driver, and tipped him extra for the inconvenience of driving on Christmas Eve and he thanked you profusely while emptying the trunk from your luggage. He drove off and you turned your head towards the door to Noahs house and smiled. You walked up to the door, took a deep breath and rung the doorbell.

Nothing.

You tried again.

Still nothing. Was he not home?

You tried ringing it five times in a row and soon you heard heavy footsteps trotting to the front door, Noah grumbling before opening the door.

"what in the hell- Y/N." He said, first angry but his expression softened when he saw it was you.

"Merry Christmas!" You said, smiling widely. He still didn't react.

"I'm sorry, am I still asleep and this is a dream?" He asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Nope, I just lied a little, but I thought it was worth it." You said, hands behind your back and turning slightly to the left anf right. He started to smile, and then, before you could realise what happened, he ran out the door and grabbed you around your thighs to lift you up and swing you around.

"How did you get here? you should have told me, I would have picked you up? Oh my god I'm so happy to see you!" He said, putting you down and hugging you so tight you barely could breathe.

"Oh I can take an Uber, if it means I can get a hug like that." You said, removing some of your hair from your face. He looked down at you in adoration and you felt a tiny burst of butterflies in you stomach.

"Well what about your family?" He asked and you rolled your eyes.

"You're the only family I need." You said and he smiled even brighter. He took your luggage from your hand and then took your hand, dragging you inside the house. Harper came running to you, eager to say hi and you fell to your knees to give her a proper rub behind her ears.

"I'm not the only one who missed you." Noah said and you smiled up at him. He had this expression on his face that you hadn't seen before. It was like some sort of clarity or realisation.

"You okay?" You asked as you stood up and he nodded.

"Yeah I'm just really happy to see you. Did you have breakfast?" He asked and turned around and only now did you realise he wasn't wearing anything but underwear. You cleared your throat and sat yourself at the kitchen island.

"No I didn't wanna eat airplane food at 7 am." You said chuckling.

"Well good, cause I was gonna make pancakes." He said smiling back at you. You looked around the living room and noticed there wasn't a tree anywhere.

"Where's your tree?" You asked and he glanced back at you with a guilty expression.

"Noah Sebastian where is your goddamn tree?" You said, and he turned around.

"Look I didn't see the point in getting one when it was just gone a be me and Harper!" He said, hands up in defence.

"That's it, after we devour these pancakes, you're gonna get changed and we're gonna have a Christmas Day together." You said, slamming your hand on the marble countertop.

"Okay, and what does that entail?" He asked, pouring batter onto a pan.

"We'll get a Christmas tree, get decorations, get mulled wine-"

"I hate mulled wine"

"We're gonna get mulled wine and we're gonna get some presents to put under the tree so it'll actually feel like Christmas." You said, and he could hear from your tone that he didn't have much of a choice.

"Alright fine. But I'm not putting on a Christmas sweater." He said.

-

A few hour later you were heading out of the door, Noah and you wearing a Christmas sweater each. Noah went to open the door for you and you said a short 'why thank you sir' and it took him just a second too long to start walking to his own side of the car after he closed the door for you. You shrugged it off as nothing though.

You were driving to the nearest Christmas tree market after you got some hot chocolates. You got out of the car and Noah cam around the car to wrap his arm around your shoulder as you walked Amon the tree trying to find a good one.

"What about this one? You asked Noah. It was a beautiful 6'6" tree that was full and green.

"I can't have a tree taller than me, that's embarrassing. Also do you know how much decoration we would need to buy to fill up that tree?" He said, pointing at the tree with his hot chocolate in his hand. He took a sip and continued. "Can't have that, we gotta find something smaller." You sighed and kept walking.

"This one however," He said, walking over to a smaller but still as full tree as the one before. "This one is perfect. 6 feet even probably, that's way better." He said smiling.

"Told you you needed a tree, look how happy you are!" You said grabbing his arm. You noticed it had gotten bigger since you last saw him a few months ago.

"Well I didn't say I didn't need one, just that I didn't see a point when it was just me." he said

"And Harper." You added.

"And Harper. We need to get her a present too." He said as he waved over the guy who cuts down the trees. "We'll take this one!" He said gleefully.

"As you wish sir!" The guy said and happily took the tree to get it packaged. "This your first Christmas together?" he asked Noah.

"Yes, is it that obvious?" Noah asked laughing as he swung his arm around your shoulders again.

"Well the Christmas spirit is wild this year, so many new couples have their first Christmas together." He said laughing heartily. You blushed thinking he thought you were a couple but neither you nor Noah said anything. You held Noah cup as him and the guy got the tree fastened to the top of his car and you drove back home to drop it off before going shopping.

"Okay let's give each other 30 minutes and whatever we find in those 30 minutes are presents to each other. Then we'll find a present for Harper together." Noah said and you nodded. You went your separate ways and started hunting for presents. You decided to head to a music store, and find some new strings for Noahs guitars, some picks and a kazoo, just for fun. You then went to a few clothing stores and picked up a few pieces you knew he would love. You then wen't and got some Liquid Deaths from the kiosk. You had 5 minutes left so you decided to go to the bathroom before you had to meet Noah again.

While you were there you overheard some girls talking outside the stalls.

"Oh my god I can't believe we met Noah! Fucking Noah Sebastian." said one of them.

"Yeah! Oh my god he's so hot I can't believe it." The other said. You chuckled quietly at that.

"Like I'm actually gonna cry the day he gets married, did you see what he was buying? He definitely wasn't buying that for himself." The first one said. You wondered what he was buying that clearly was not for himself.

"Oh he for sure has a girl. She's so lucky. Just glad we didn't catch him in Victoria's Secret, my heart wouldn't have handled it." The second one said and they laughed as they exited the bathroom. You couldn't stop smiling as you washed your hands and grabbed the bag full of his presents. You felt your phone vibrate as you got out of the bathroom.

Hey you done soon? I've been waiting ages!

You laughed and sent back a text.

Alright calm your tits, I was just in the bathroom. Where are you?

You walked slowly as you waited for him to respond.

By the entrance, come on we have to get to target too.

You smiled big at that, he knew you loved Target more than any other store. You skipped along until you reached the entrance and Noah waiting just outside, smoking a cigarette. You didn't like to admit that you found it kinda hot when he did that.

"Hey, ready to go?" You asked as you came outside.

"Yeah, let's go!" He said, putting out his cigarette and throwing the bud in the trash.

You walked to his car and you noticed two girls staring at you. You smiled to yourself and wrapped an arm around Noahs waist, his arm automatically wrapping around your shoulder. You felt so safe in his arms.

Next stop was Target which took you at least another hour and a half to get through, but they had a lot of cute Christmas decorations that you had decided Noah absolutely couldn't live without. While you were there you found a cute plushie for Harper that she would no doubt devour within a week. As you got out of the store it was already getting pretty dark and you thanked yourself for buying food while you were there.

"I feel absolutely exhausted." You said as you buckled your seatbelt to drive home.

"You can just go take a bath when we get home while I get dinner ready." Noah said and smiled towards you. You nodded and smiled back at him, while putting on some music.

When you got home you tried to help Noah unpack, but he just shooed you away with your new bath soaps that he helped pick out. You started the water for the top as you went back to Noahs room to pick out the clothes you were gonna wear afterwards. You decided on a nice shirt, since it was Christmas Eve after all and long black skirt to go with it. And since you were feeling extra christmassy, that's what your underwear conveyed too.

You went back to the bathroom and turned on some music on your phone as you relaxed into the water. While you relaxed you thought about the amazing day you had with Noah and how happy you were to be here. Much better than being back home in Iowa, where your parents would have nothing else to talk abou than how boring your life was to them. You decided not to think about that, and Instead thought about how Noah would react to the presents you got him and what he might have gotten you.

You could feel yourself get happier and happier and decided to empty the bathtub and just shower normally, so you could go help Noah in the kitchen.

When you walked into the kitchen you watched as Noah hummed along to the music he had put on, while swaying his body in time with the rhythm.

"You need any help?" You asked and he yelped in shock. He turned around, clutching his heart.

"Jesus Y/N, you scared me! No I'm good, just sit your pretty butt down and I'll do the rest." He said shaking his head at you. Despite the fake-hard tone in his voice you blushed when he called you pretty.

Soon after, the dinner was ready and Noah joined you as he gave you your plate.

"Dig in, I hope it tastes good!" He said cheerfully and you obliged happily, being hungry from all the Christmas fun you'd had that day. The food was good and you sat and talked about the different things that had happened that day.

"And then I met these two girls that were fans of Bad Omens so that was cool." Noah said and you laughed a little. "What?" he asked and you finished chewing so you could tell him what happened in the bathroom.

"So now I'm really curious what you were buying that so obviously weren't for you!" You said and you both laughed.

"Well that will have to wait for tomorrow. You wanna decorate the tree now?" He asked and you nodded excitedly. He gathered your plates and yet again he waved you away when you tried to help. You decided instead to unbox all the decorations for the tree so you could start decorating. When he was done with the dishes he joined you and you put on the Christmas jazz playlist you had listened to on the way here.

"I didn't know jazz was your thing?" Noah asked and you shrugged.

"It has its good sides. Bringing Christmas vibes to a place where it doesn't snow is one of them." You said and he chuckled at that. After the tree was nicely decorated, you sat down with a beer each and admired your handiwork.

"Oh wait, forgot something." Noah said and got up. You knew what he meant when he showed you the star you had picked out earlier.

"Of course, how could we forget?" You asked as you got up as well.

"Do you wanna do it?" He asked.

"No we can do it together." You said, holding the star on the opposite side he was. You both smiled as you placed the star on the top branch. Neither of you were letting go, but your stare was directed at each other.

"Y/N, I think I have something to tell you." Noah said and you looked down at his lips. You had a feeling you knew where this was going. You decided to take a leap.

"Why don't you just show me?" You asked, looking back at his eyes. They were wide and hopeful, and you swore you could get lost in the darkness of them. He inched closer to you, so you did the same. You could feel his breath on your face and your own hitched, not sure if this was dream or reality. You lips touched and you melted into each other. You hands let go of the star in favour of holding each other, and in the glimmer of the string lights your hearts found each other at last, your lips moving together and the only thing except soft piano and the sound of your lips moving together was heard.

When you finally parted, you only moved so far apart that you could see each other.

"Was that clear enough of an answer?" You asked and you both started laughing in the glee of finally being truthful with each others feelings.

"Yeah I think that's pretty clear, but I might have to have you repeat it, just to be sure." He said and you kissed once more.

[therebetterbepie]

outofpie;

it's totally one of those 'why must i exist' days man. my bed is calling me like a siren song hahah. the dangers of working from home.

i know i have some drafts i need to get to but i also have a backlog of ask memes i wanna get to. i have enough that i'm to the point where i refuse to reblog any more meme posts until i get those done so i plan on seeing how many of those i can get done today.

basically i'm writing this out to motivate me to stick with that plan instead of rotting on instagram or reddit during work like i have been lately. doom scrolling man. it ain't where it's at.

hope you guys all have a good start to the week!

[joelsgoodgirl]

About Me

I figured I might as well introduce myself since I'm really diving into this fandom stuff again!

Name: Ana

Age: 30

Height: 5ft/160cm (i feel like this is relevant because i give off tall apparently)

Orientation: Demisexual/Bisexual

Sign: Scorpio𖤓Scorpio☾Sagittarius⇡

Location: Midwestern United States

Main Interests: Joel Miller; but there's always room for all of Pedro's characters (especially you, Jack Daniels)

Hobbies: Reading, Writing, Bed-rotting. But in all seriousness, I love reading and writing. I'm an aspiring author (nothing as fun as spicy romance). I also enjoy crafting, overanalyzing television shows and listening to music. Don't ask me what type of music because I don't even know.

Daily life: I've been married to my partner since October '23. I have quite a few exotic pets; three ferrets, a boa constrictor, a leopard gecko, a pacman frog and a tarantula. We aren't afraid of the weird and creepy things in this household. I spend most of my time working, but when I'm not I've definitely got my laptop open and headphones on; reading or writing or doom scrolling. The non-obnoxious type of stoner. Shut the fuck up and vibe.

Other Interests: I'm a HUGE musical theater nerd. My favorite musicals are Wicked, Hadestown and Waitress. If I don't listen to at least one of those on any given day, there's something wrong with me. I spend my summers seeing at least one musical a week (support your local theaters!!!) and winters are spent longing for the summer.

My other musical love is 80s/90s rock. Metallica, Joan Jett, AC/DC and Rammstein are my top artists. Dad Rock too. Halestorm, Nickelback and Five Finger Death Punch. Biggest flex is I got to spend my 29th birthday at a Metallica concert.

I adore gardening. Sadly stuck in an apartment leaves me to a potted garden, but that's #1 on my list when we get a house. Homesteading is a big dream of mine.

Other Fandoms: Once Upon a Time, Doctor Who, Sherlock, James Cameron Avatar, Stranger Things.

I have been on Tumblr since ~2012, but I remade my account because my original held too much of my past that I no longer want to visit. I've been writing fanfiction for just as long, but I hadn't started publishing until about 2020.

Anyway, that's me! I'm a mishmash of aesthetics and personalities, so good luck really trying to figure me out.

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

planning ≠ productivity

yesterday i made a daily to-do list for each day til 31st august. i made a monthly plan for september. guess what i did NOT do yesterday? study or be productive in anyway whatsoever. you know that audio that goes something like "i'm a ____. ofc i ____." well for me it goes like, "i'm an intj. ofc i procrastinate by planning." the problem is that i make all these plans and never execute them and instead just update them when more information presents itself. i never do, i just plan. that is a HUGE issue of mine and i cannot go on like this. so i'm challenging myself to a 50-day productivity challenge. basically i want to have high hours of both sleep & studying in the next 50 days and cut down on doom scrolling and bed rotting. i hope i feel the satisfaction of 50 well rested & academically productive days!! also my mid terms are coming up in a month so i n e e d to get my shit together and hit the books full force. my biology teacher is actually going to kill me if i get anything less than 65/70, she actually threatened me 😃.

24/08/2024

woke up at 7 a.m. (i kinda have to for school)

showered 🚿

morning skincare

my physics teacher is so annoying ajdhfdjhsdkjh

finished a poem i had started yesterday in school

solved two sudoku puzzles in school

doom scrolled on tumblr & pinterest :(

ate lunch

recorded a time lapse of time spent studying

studied psychology ch-1: what is psychology?

posted a youtube short

extended duolingo streak to day 148

practiced playing keyboard (i'm very much a beginner & i'm finally properly coordinating with both hands so yay!! still have a long long way to go ofc)

planned for tomorrow

night skincare

finished reading english supplementary reader fully: snapshots

tomorrow is a sunday and i have a lot to do, though luckily monday is a holiday, i don't want that to mean i can slack off. i've already made a list of stuff to do on monday too and each day till the 31st.

[hibernatinglikeabear]

Day One (01) of thought dumping.

Today, just every other weekend that I have, I spent all day rotting in bed- doom scrolling. However, I always go back to watching videos on YouTube on how to earn money via side hustles. Why though? "Cause money is great!" /insert that Wired Emily Rudd clip.

Anyways, no, but an actual good quote that I heard today regarding money is that "Money buys you freedom", and that's so accurate. I want the freedom that money gives you.

Watching those 'how to earn six-figures via internet' videos, they always start with these questions "what are your skills, do you have hobbies, interests? why not start monetizing those."

However, that circles back to needing money. You want to learn and upskill? You probably have to pay for courses. You want hobbies? Yeah that also needs money... these are what I kept saying, when I compare myself to other people that I see on social media, "Because I do not have the money to invest in myself and upskill, I'm not interesting enough, I'm not artistic enough and I'm not smart enough. Which also means I have nothing to monetize in order to find my own side hustle niche."

What an excuse. Clearly, those are just excuses that I tell myself in order to get away from actually starting. There are ways around upskilling and making your life more interesting using basic internet connection.

All I have to do is start, but why is that so difficult.

But this is why this is here!

WHAT IS THIS BLOG ALL ABOUT

Well, I call it the "Adding Character Depth Project".

Correct, character depth, I believe that my life is not interesting like others who have the money to spend outside, my personality is also not that unique and I don't think I have any out of this world talent, magic, strength or brains. In short, if I am a character in a novel, my life story and personality doesn't have that flare that makes them really interesting. The maximum role I'll get is that one liner character.

But if character building and character development exist in novels, why can't it be done in real life??? There's no way this is it. The other side of myself can't believe this is my maximum potential, I'm not satisfied with this version of myself. There has to be more.

So how can I add character depth to myself? Since this is not research based, let's start with what I find interesting that other people do or the people that I aspire to be do:

Journaling. This is what this tumblr is all about. Thought dump and progress dump. (With my personality of referencing what other people do, I wanted to make an official website for a blog but that's too time consuming and I'll end up stopping before I even started writing. So good old tumblr it is.)

Reading. I like reading actually but need to diversify. But for the past years I got hooked on fluffy romantic mlm and wlw books and I haven't able to explore beyond that genre anymore. I would like to read books that would make me think, that would intrigue me, that would make me feel like life is really interesting.

Pursuing art at 20s. I saw videos like PewDiePie where he started documenting his art journey by drawing everyday for 100 days(?) and it looks promising. As much as possible what I actually find interesting in drawing is world building, I want to draw the world or scenery that is usually being describe in the books that I've read. I don't really know how to start that one though.

Films. The people that I find to have interesting takes on life and unique personalities are usually people who dabble on films and photography. I want to start on expanding my knowledge and "uniqueness" (lol) by watching more films with good writing, good plot, good acting, good music and not my comfort variety shows.

Actually upskilling. The internet have so much to offer I'm pretty sure I can upskill on YouTube and find ways to earn money with that. Though this is quite a goal on it's own.

I'm pretty sure there are more to add but my brain can't think of any. Anyways, there are more details to add in every single one of these projects or hobbies, but I think it's better to discuss them separately.

[emmatriarchya]

FYI I am currently rather consistently queuing my august drafts/asks. I intend to finish writing them over this weekend and maybe up the queue speed a little once I have a nice number of things in there.

I had a very interesting chat with kiddo today. I figured I could share with y'all.

They were complaining that they were not practicing their hobbies anymore but rather feeling stuck in a rut where they "rot" on their bed with the cat while stuck to their phone - doom scrolling social media.

So we talked about being more intentional over practicing hobbies, and maybe set up a couple of times a week "appointments" with themself in order to practice. To set aside time in their calendar app to intentionally do things that bring them fulfillment and helps them feel better.

And of the building of a routine where they have regular/usual/scheduled time to do things they like that is not doom scrolling.

I told them also of the importance of figuring out when they don't do hobbies because of lazy / lack of intent, and not doing them because of needing a break / rest.

It took me time and practice to figure it out for myself, and to build mechanisms in order to practice my craft and feel good doing it without burning myself out. I still struggle sometimes, but I can recognize when I need to take a step back and live in the moment.

I also told them to make a list of the hobbies they already have, and those they want to have, and to try to assign them priorities (which one brings them most joy, which one is more spoon-consuming, which one they wanna progress in the most...) & told them the list can be evolutive.

I added that they should try to figure it out before they start living on their own in a few years. They don't want to find themself living alone and staring into the void for hours because they don't know what to do with themself... They need to learn how to build a routine.

Anyway! Much love to y'all and sparkles on you!

[prettycalla]

Hey! I'm sending this in after seeing the match-making event post. I'm really bad at thinking of how to describe myself but let me see what I come up with lol. As for character preferences, I'm not so interested in Hanno/Lucius and Fortuna, but otherwise go ham.

I know MBTI isn't particularly accurate but, for what it's worth, I'm an INTP. A positive thing about me is I can become curious and interested in just about everything, so sometimes I spiral into my own version of doom-scrolling for wikipedia, especially for historical-political research, or something to do with my engineering major. On the negative side I get tired very easily so I can get pretty aloof and not so emotionally avalaible at times, though I hope I know how to handle it without alienating people.

I'm no extrovert but you could say social cues are sort of a hyperfixation for me so usually I enjoy talking to whomever for the sake of it, when I'm feeing up to it, and I like all sort of outings like going out clubbing, at a museum or just bed rotting at home.

In terms of appearance I'm fairly androgynous. I keep my hair on the shorter side and usually either wear street-style stuff or business casual clothes.

Uuuh other than that I really enjoy music! I play the piano often and I use spotify at least 4 hrs a day. I mainly like Depeche Mode, 80s Mylene Farmer (who I highly recommend btw!) and 20th century Italian movie soundtrack composers, like Morricone.

That’s about it, hope this wasn’t too long!

On a separate note, I just wanted to say that I’ve read all your works on this blog, and I think you have an really good grasp on the twins, so when I saw you were doing this event, I got pretty excited. And seriously don’t ever feel like your blog is “too small” to try something new. I think it’s pretty clear now how many people recognize your skill. Looking forward to seeing more of your work!

I can see you and Acacius being such a good match!

With the INTP personality type being the Logician, both of you are able to easily see things from the same perspective and will rarely argue. Holding the title of General is no easy task, and he can find social gatherings quite tiring, so he appreciates that you're more than adept at keeping conversation. He also understands the need to retreat from the world and recharge, as he often feels the need to do it himself.

Your interest in history and politics would be of great help to him, particularly when he finds himself so fatigued with his own research and planning that he can hardly think straight, and would love visiting the libraries with you. He'd also enjoy debating with you, and while it would remain civil, you would often find yourselves talking long into the night. He never finds himself bored in your company.

Gladiator Matchmaker

[quinnnfabrgay-writes]

✨️ Happy New Year ✨️

With a new (gregorian calendar) year upon us, many are setting out to hit the ground running on their resolutions for the year.

As I find my own place and beliefs in this world, I have found I more align with the astrological new year when it comes to the spirit of initiative and transformation, and am honoring this current season for what it's meant for: rest and reflection.

That being said, I wanted to share some of my intentions that I am bringing with me into this new calendar year that help support this season of rest.

I invite each and everyone to do the same if you feel called to share! Your voice and thoughts matter, and I would love to see how you plan on honoring yourself 🩷 Please feel free to tag me as well!

2025 Intentions: Rest + Reflection Edition

first and foremost, I intend on limiting my doom scrolling - I will be the first to admit I LOVE to scroll and rot and procrastinate all for the sake of "resting," but it has actually never served me, only makes my anxiety and self-loathing worse (I might even delete certain apps for periods of a time - a digital detox if you will)

I intend on getting back into daily journaling - whether I feel like free journaling or want to follow prompts, whether it's first thing in the morning or the last thing before I go to bed, I intend on putting pen to paper and letting my innermost thoughts be verbalized - even if the only thing that ever sees them is my journal

I intend on incorporating meditation into my daily routine - either guided or not, I would really like to make more of an effort to make some time to intentionally come back to my body and spend some time in the stillness and quiet

Stretch, stretch, stretch! This is something I've already been trying to incorporate over the last week, and it's like I forgot just how good stretching feels. Not only physically, but it's also helped me move and release stagnant energy and emotions that get trapped in my body.

Be more present. So much easier said than done, especially since I live with multiple mental illnesses and am always either ruminating on the past or worrying about the future (or both at the same time), but I know it is possible. I also have been maladaptive daydreaming just a little too much as an escape. Instead of kicking and berating myself when I notice that I'm falling back into unhelpful patterns, I will simply gently nudge myself back to the present moment.

[littleslavediary]

"Doom Scrolling" Discipline

Daddy looked up my stats for apps (how long they are open) because my new phone tracks that. He got angry and said it must be inaccurate.

This is because I only have most apps open 5-20 minutes a day for a grand total of like 1 hour that I spend on my phone. Before this, he was complaining I "doom scroll" too much but the evidence didn't back up his assumption.

Then he said something else but I never heard what it was, because I got distracted by the video game we were playing and didn't hear him. For this he got extremely angry and gave me the silent treatment for a half hour.

Eventually I pointed out that the silent treatment wasnt okay to use on me (if I ever did that to him he would kill me) so he went off on a long tangent about how you can't control how other people perceive you.

This made me think about my childhood and I said "but no one has ever "perceived me" before, I've been always been invisible". And I started crying really hard and had a panic attack.

His goal seems to be to make me cry, so this seemed satisfied him. I lay crying with my head in his lap, while he stroked my hair.

He said, "You know, these are the types of conversations you are meant to have with your Father."

I cried harder and said, "A long time ago, I had to cope with never getting to experience certain things. This is one of them."

He gently grabbed my head and looked me in the eyes. "I can be your Daddy. We can do all the things you never got to do with him. What do you want to do? We can go camping or dancing."

"I would love that," I said.

"Can I be your Daddy? Would you like that?" He asked.

I gently grabbed his big muscular arm and squeezed it. My eyes, still tearful, gazed into his, "Yes, please be my Daddy. It's all I've ever wanted, more than anything else in the world."

He tried to initiate intimacy, but regretfully I was really tired from the crying and anxiety. He said it would be okay to wait until morning, but it wasn't.

Early the next morning he grabbed me in my sleep and pushed my head to his crotch. I started giving him oral, but I must have not done it with enough energy or kept dosing off so he pulled up his boxers to communicate I should stop.

Then he complained, "You go to bed earlier than me and wake up later every day but your always still more tired than me, and this is ruining our entire relationship."

I begged him to have sex with me but he said, "It's too late now, I have to go to work."

I sent him a long text apologizing and saying I would exercise more to have more energy when he gets off work, and the relationship is at peace for now.

I'm usually a really easy going, peaceful and thoughtful kind of person. I've explained to him that I don't do well with confrontation, I shutdown and get confused, and don't know what else to say. Anything I do think to say consistently makes him more angry but saying nothing makes him the most angry.

When I manage to find the words to diffuse a situation it's like winning the lottery (satisfying) but I feel like I am breaking down. Like I am more afraid to speak. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing and getting hit hard. But saying nothing will also get me hit. So what do I do?

Anyways, going back to the beginning.

I'm glad my phone data proved that I'm not addicted to "doom scrolling" social media. I'm sad Daddy didn't believe the statistics were accurate. I should have said more about them being real so he would believe me, but I didn't want to be offensive or sound like I was "talking back" or "arguing". I am not allowed to do that, ever.

When I first came here two months ago I was much worse about "doom scrolling". However, Daddy called it "brain rot". He especially hates e-celebrity drama, which I have always found interesting. He says there are better ways to spend your time then learning about people who don't even deserve their fame.

If we are ever together and I even unlock my phone he gets pissed. And we are together half the hours every day so what did he expect? This is one of the ways he can be delusional, like projecting what he hates about strangers on to me at the slightest sign I display similar behavior.

Daddy gets very angry when I prove he made a wrong assumption about me. I have to be very careful about revealing the truth to him. When the statistics didn't meet his expectations his body language became very aggressive. I wish he would have hit me then but he hasn't been hitting me as much lately.

I need to initiate sex more and get my energy levels up for Daddy. I want to be abused more often. But I don't want the abuse to force me to show affection. I want to show affection because of how much I love and appreciate him, not because I am scared or trained into doing it.

[chocoships]

Nightmarish dream

Chase is aware that he’s dreaming. 

He remembers going to bed, spending a few hours aimlessly scrolling through various apps on his phone while his tired eyes took almost none of the endless stream of information offered to him. There wasn’t any anxiety or fear as his eyes finally slipped shut and he let himself be taken away into the comfortable embrace of sleep, but as his eyes suddenly shoot back open with an acute lucidity, a deep feeling of unease already seize him. 

Chase’s gaze nervously darts from side to side as he tries to take in his surrounding. This isn’t what he’s used to. Instead of a dark expanse of nothing, Chase finds himself to be in some sort of... coffee shop? At least it’s the best guess he can make as to what the warped space around him is supposed to be. There is an air of familiarity to the chairs and tables neatly put away, to the unintelligible signs hanging above the empty service counter, but everything looks just a degree too off for him to fully recognize the place he’s supposed to be in. Just standing there feels wrong, it’s lifeless. He doesn’t know why he’s here, how he even got to this place, but as memories slowly slips back into places, fill in the blanks in his mind, he remembers now… And he knows what is about to happen next. 

He remembers the series of strange encounters he started having in his dreams, of the entity that infest his mind every nights, of Its… strange obsession with him. He has no idea what he could have ever possibly done to attract Its attention but it’s too late for him to wonder about the cause of it all. Chase silently curse himself for falling asleep so nonchalantly, but how could he have known? With each morning, or abrupt awakening, Chase forgets. He always does. The memory of his dreaming self simply slips away, and the gaps it leave behind trap him further into this vicious cycle. Dooming him to unknowingly commit the same error every night and finding himself yet again at the mercy of whatever being haunts his nightmares.

He recall  breaking down at the very beginning of it all, desperately asking It why he could never remember in his waking hours. The entity, which eventually named Itself Anti, simply answered him with; It is in the nature of dreams to be forgotten.The answer had been strange enough by itself, but Its following promise to change that unfortunate truth left Chase slightly more disturbed for the rest of the night. He didn’t want to learn what that promise could mean anytime soon.

 The current scene Chase finds himself in is a little odd though. As far as he can remember, his “meetings” with Anti have always happened in a mostly empty void. He doesn’t know whether to feel relief or dread at the change.

Eventually his attention is brought to the thing in front of him, to Anti patiently sitting on the other side of the small table Chase is currently seated at. He didn’t even notice he was sitting down until this moment... As if on reflex, Chase immediately avert his gaze from It. His head faces downward as he keep his eyes fixed on the table instead of looking directly at Anti.

He can’t bear to look at it.

It’s not inherently monstrous, in fact It probably could pass for a normal person at first glance, but simply looking at It for longer than a fleeting second is enough to shatter any illusion of normalcy It tries to put up. The more you look, the harder it is to see past all the details that aren’t quite right. Eventually, you’ll end up wondering how you could ever have mistaken this Thing for another human being. The wrongness Its presence alone exude is simply too strong to ignore.

And the worse thing of all is that It’s wearing his face.

It look like someone took Chase’s skin and then draped it over a barely human shape. It doesn’t fit, nothing could ever be done to make it look natural or seamless. The way It moves or simply is cannot be hidden under the mere layer of stolen flesh It wears.

The air feels tense, thick with dread. Each inhale and exhale takes more effort than the last, it  almost feels as if it started solidifying in his lungs. Like it shifted from gas to liquid without him noticing, and as far as Chase is aware maybe it did. It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch considering his situation. Dreams are weird like that after all, right? But the pressure weighing down on him from every direction feels so real and he’s trying with everything he has to not outwardly show any of his growing discomfort. But with Anti’s gaze directly fixed on him, never once leaving his hunched over frame, finding the strength to not squirm under Its intense scrutiny is a much harder task. It feels like something is crawling under his skin wherever Its eyes land upon him, like It’s trying to find its way into the deepest part of him.  

Chase is eventually brought out of his spiraling thoughts as the wood grain of the table he’s staring at starts moving, dancing, crawling, in front of his eyes. The sharp yelp that escape his throat at the sight cannot be held back. 

Right. This is a dream. One that Chase isn’t in control of.

 A dull ache starts forming at the front of his skull as he keep his gaze fixed on the ever shifting shape trapped in the glossy surface of the wood. No words are spoken, but a clear choice seem to be offered to Chase: either look up and face the captor of his dreams or keep his head down and let the pain grow. The ache slowly climb in intensity as Chase weight both of his options. A decision is eventually made, and it’s with a whimper stuck in the back of his throat that Chase straighten up and slowly lift up his head.

He’s shaking as he finally meet eyes with Anti. As the man return Its gaze, the thing’s stolen visage shift from an expressionless mask to a twitchy facsimile of a smile. There are far too many teeth crammed into Its mouth, far more than what should be physically possible. The sight alone send a cold shiver down Chase’s back.

“do you like it?” Anti’s voice reverberate through the space, and yet Its lips do not once move. There is an eagerness to the question, perhaps even hope, but for what? Chase doesn’t know. 

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever get used to hearing the being’s voice. Like Its appearance, it seems similar enough to his own at first but an undeniable layer of wrongness hides right beneath. As if Its voice itself was afflicted with rot and decay, inevitably tainting it whole with a deep feeling of unease. If Chase’s voice was a melody, then Anti’s would be a cacophony of dissonance.

“What?” Chase’s voice is barely above a whisper, meek and confused. He watches as It vaguely gestures around Itself and him, Its movements jerky and stiff.  

“Our surroundings… From what I’ve seen, most humans seems to considers those places to be good spots for dates. I won’t pretend like I fully understand why. The supposed romantic charm of it is lost to me, but I thought you’d appreciate it” Anti’s head cock to the side, Its dark blank eyes never once blinking or leaving Chase as It spoke. 

“So, as I said before; do you like it?”

Chase stays motionless as Anti speaks, completely stunned. Well, until his chest shakes with a faint laugh, it’s more nervous than anything but Chase is at a point where he’ll latch onto any emotions that isn’t fear like a lifeline. 

“I mean… It’s better than the previous empty void for sure. It’s, uhm- it’s alright. This is kinda impressing, if I’m being honest...”

At the half hearted praise, Anti seems to glow with pride. Its whole demeanor perks up, but Its excitement seem to also cause Its disguise to slip ever so slightly. In a matter of seconds, multiple eyes blink open across Its body, breaking skin as they do so. Its smile stretches further and further until the flesh of Its cheeks rip apart, showing even more crooked teeth than before. Anti leans forward, placing his elbows on the small table as he rest his chin in the palm of his hands, more limbs soon following suit.

Chase watches, frozen with terror, the horrible display of body horror happening in front of him. He cannot look away from it no matter how much he tries to will his eyes to move or even simply blink. Panic surges through his body as he soon discovers he can’t move at all. He desperately tries to get up from his seat, to stand up and run, but his body feels like each joints has been locked into places. The only thing he can do is trembles as the phantom sensation of countless of hands starts grasping at him, at least he hope it is. Chase cannot look down to see if what he’s feeling is real or not.

The only thing he can see is the terrifying beast sitting across him, admiring him with either yearning or hunger in Its eyes.

“I’m glad my efforts paid in the end, maybe next time I should try to recreate your home” It sigh, yet Its chest never moves to even attempt to give the illusion of breathing. Its voice sounds dreamy as It continues on.

“For now though, let’s just enjoy our time together. I still have a lot to show you tonight” 

Chase whimper when a cold elongated hand take hold of his. It’ll be long before this nightmare end.

[tomerasange]

Chapter 2: The Goblin Hideout

As we advanced forward through the tunnels, we stumbled upon two goblins on the lookout. To my surprise, they were cavorting with a card game and drunk on no doubt a strong spirit fermented in haste with vile, noxious fumes. I took a stealthy position, only to see Urnig and Starr take a bold stance and advance toward the watchtower. In an instant and with marked precision, they were upon the goblins. The goblins, rightly so terrified, gave away that nearly a dozen more goblins were in position further down the tunnel. In a scene that preluded my eventual shock and fear to come, Urnig and Starr cut down both goblins with ruthless brutality, Urnig using his lightning lure to sear at the flesh. I made quick towards them.

“Urnig, was that quite necessary?” “What? They were in the way.” “Yes, but clearly, they were paying no harm. They were drunk until you came and killed them.” “Sure. But, it did look great, didn’t it?” I must admit, as one who could only commit a simple parlor trick of magic, in seeing his magic, he knew how to use it with such a righteous vibrance so as to rival the Paladins of a holy militia. “I suppose, but that doesn’t excuse...”

I tailed off our conversation as we made our way through. The deep forest gave way to light, and we happened upon an open-air clearing, right and perfect for a strategic posting. A small river ran throughout the scene of an open field, almost picturesque in it’s simplicity. The stark feature given to this idyllic vision was a cave, larger in scope than the previous one, and feeding the river running through.

We agreed upon a split in the group. Noah and Snafu would return to the wagon and tend to the animals, Starr would keep lookout at the cave entrance on the off-chance there were further goblin reinforcements, and Aurora, Urnig, and I would take point in exploring the cavern. It became suddenly clear that my two companions had a sense of Darkvision, with the ability to see well and truly into the pitch that was the cavern. I sorely lacked this trait, and requested a torch be lit. Aurora, for her part, was willing to use her Light to not require the actual burning and loss of the torch. As the cavern began to open, the river split the floor of rock in twain. Walking towards the right of the cavern, we could hear a slight noise in front of our position. We began to stealth through the area, and came across a room of three wolves chained up and asleep. As we plotted our course, Urnig shuffled on and from his armor arose a sharp metal clatter. We were unaware how loose the shackles of these wolves were, but were aware they had spotted us. Aurora and I took to crafting a strategy, but too late was our decision making as the wolves came loose from their bonds.

I went for my rapier as the Bard and Sorcerer loosed their magic, and we dove into the river, only as deep as our thighs. One of the animals went for me immediately and in a sudden shock, I was hurt by one of the wolves striking me. I was well put off by the matter, and chose a more aggressive stance, using the sword more as a dagger. During the fight, I managed to fell my attacker, stabbing as to mortally wound. Cutting the wolf, I retracted the blade from its body and stabbed into the skull, killing it instantly. So forceful was the cut that I nearly caught the blade on the riverbed.

As the fight continued, Aurora witnessed a goblin from afar in the dim light of the torch, rushing away from the melee in a frantic nature. In a flash, the torrential sound of water could be heard echoing from the cave beyond my line of sight. I knew to hug the lining of the wall before incident. Aurora pulled close in turn and Urnig was our sole companion who remained in the water as a roaring wave crashed into him and the two remaining wolves.

By this measure, I went for another wolf who had been knocked to the ground, only to find the riverside slick with water from the deluge. My life, though short, flashed before my eyes as I was hurled into the air by momentum and carried into the river, away from the melee. I turned about in haste, sword at the ready, when I witnessed something that may haunt me to this very day.

Urnig, in his eternal wild-man wisdom, stabbed the wolf he and was fighting and proceeded to consume the face of the living beast. Raw and wild was his technique as he bit away at the maw, blood soaking his mouth, the dog did not have time to cry! Upon further reflection, this should have informed to the type of company I has chosen, and in my mind, I screamed oaths and swears at the very sight. Born of gods, yet a holy man this incarnation of violence was not. This is the fury of a unearthed demigod.

Aurora concluded the brawl with a swish of the rapier, refined and nimble as a sewing needle (I should, in measure, also implore Aurora into a discussion regarding proper rapier etiquette), and I, still terrified of what had transpired and soaked through with river water, trudged out of the drink into the room where the wolves had been held. In desperation, I scrounged at a pile of rocks, searching for any measure of respite. Food, a scroll, anything! Just rocks.

In a act of fear and injury, I called a short rest before entering the cave further. As we perched ourselves in silence, I could not help but wonder what further peril exuded from the hollow dark. It was truly unbecoming of my post, and I do not look upon this with great aptitude. In the quiet, Urnig approached me, blood wiped from the mouth, and laid his hands upon me. I could see the glow of his Aasimar magic, making me lighter and more well than prior. I nodded in acknowledgement, and returned to silence.

As the hour passed, we stood to pursue further, and found the path that the goblin retreated from earlier. He was posted on a bridge suspended above the river, and upon seeing our forms likely fled and sprung the river trap. As a measure, we located another entrance to surreptitiously maneuver around our aggressors. A loose crevasse covered in rocks led upwards into another chamber, and I took it upon myself to navigate the position.

As I climbed upward, I recalled my diligent training in climbing and found my footing neatly. As I approached the apex, I could hear a light clatter of pots and grunts. Having already taken the horror of Urnig’s cannibalistic attitude, I again felt physically ill reaching the top of the climb, as I was assailed by an odorous cloud of burning meat and raw rot. This was a kitchen area in only the lowest of sense. I only have previously smelled the stench of wet and warm food from my time perusing the animal holding cells in the arena to compare, and yet this defied all ghastly definition. The smog choked into my pores like an acid, and I took sacred moments to locate six goblins and a hostage, before hurling myself from my post, scratching and cutting my legs.

In a stupor, I relayed the information to my comrades in tow, and plotted the next move. Aurora agreed to take a length of hempen rope to the summit and tie it off to aid in our ascent. When the task was done, Urnig and I climbed and took scope of the situation. From our position, we had a good view to the left, where the goblins were, and the right, which led to the bridge. Aurora took charge and called forth a bout of Prestidigitation. To the right, the sounds of rocks echoed of the cavern walls, drawing the attention of three of the goblins. As we avoided their sight, the three of us made quick work to enter the chamber undetected. We sat and plotted, with Aurora again leading. She called upon the element of fire, and stoked the flames of the kitchen, burning the goblins. Surprise was our element! and we, with great pace, attacked. I witnessed one of their high ranking fellows, adorned in baubles, holding the hostage on a floor above connected by stairs. and took great aim with my longbow. A direct hit square in the head. Realizing the three goblins would return, I kicked over a bed to give me and my companions cover. Urnig, for his role, dragged the lead goblin off the cliff with his lure to his doom. Aurora held true with her rapier, and bought time with a wall of fire, trapping the three distracted goblins. We dispatched of the initial threat, and I made my way to the hostage, as well as a vantage point, keeping watch over the unconscious Human. Shortly thereafter, Aurora and Urnig disposed of the remaining creatures, and turned to my quarry. We confirmed the man to be Sildar Hallwinter, one of our chief employs, ragged and stripped of all finery. I arose him from the subconscious with a shake.

“Wh-wha... Hands off! I’ll not be taken alive!” “Sildar! We mean you no harm! It is Tomera. We’re here to rescue you.” “Oh, oh? Where is the wagon? Is it safe?” “Noah and Snafu, our fellow workers, have secured the inventory.” Aurora supported this, stating, “We hid the wagon in a cover of leaves, effectively camouflaging it.” “Ah, good, good.”

We gave Sildar water to slake his thirst, and continued in our questions. “Where is our other employ, Gundren?” “Oh, him? We were... separated. He was dragged away me... don’t know.” “It’s all right. Could he be further in the cave?” “Perhaps.” “We’ll be back for him if he is to be found. For know, we must travel to Phandilan, to secure your safety.” “Of course.”

As we lifted Sildar to his feet, Urnig, ever the beastie, pointed to the slop and rot of the meat that the goblins were cooking when we had entered.

“Thought for you. Perhaps you could coat your arrows in the rotten meat? Might damage them in the future with poison.”

I stared him square into his eyes. No; he was, in fact, completely sincere in his suggestion. I drew five arrow from my quiver, as a gesture of goodwill, and walked towards the sluice. Yet somehow there was a moment. Perhaps the meat could provide an effect of harm if coating the arrow tips. It would give us quite the advantage. I stood above the meat, fully prepared to derive the arrows into an ammo of desolation, when I realized this would never work. The rot of flesh could not adequately poison, and to sully my person in such a manner was unbecoming, grotesque, and vile. I immediately backed off into Urnig.

“Good hustle, certainly, Urnig. Not my type of combat. But... certainly a good idea in practice.”

We found our way out of the cave, where Starr agreed to keep watch in the event more goblins or reinforcements arrived (in hindsight, he had found a pasture of green to hunt and live among the wilderness, as men of his temper are want to do). My ego bruised and beaten from a state of seeming failure, I came to the conclusion this task we had agreed upon would surely find us in a position stranger still. For now, with Noah at the helm of the wagon, the town of Phandilan came into view. The sun hung low in the afternoon sky.