#I am a place holder

[burntoasters]

Tw depressing thoughts/I hate the holidays

I feel replaceable

I don’t know why recently I have just felt so… replaceable. Like I am just a place holder untill someone better comes along. Or like I am just there for when people don’t have anyone else but don’t want to be alone?

Since my partner and I broke up a few weeks ago, I thought I would feel much better. And I did for a bit, almost like a dead weight was lifted off my shoulders. Still I feel… I feel really fucking lonely. There’s such a vast difference in loneliness of a person who says they love you but doesn’t have time for you, and being genuinely alone. Even if they were a shitty partner… I wasn’t alone.

But now I am

2 people who were only temporarily staying at my house finally moved out, and then a few days later my roommate of 2 years went to go house sit for almost 2 weeks so the only people I have interacted with is my coworkers and most of us don’t really get along (and they are all at least 6 plus years older than me). I also live in butt fuck nowhere Deep South so everyone is… redneck 🤮

Don’t get me wrong, there are some genuinely good redneck folks who just want to help others. Unfortunately the bad ones are so much more common they tend to overshadow anyone else, and even those rednecks are exactly “friendly” to any lgbtqia+

I was really hoping I could find something to do or someone to hang out with that could maybe pull me out of my funk. And I thought I would get that opportunity when my best friend from high school asked if we could spend a whole day together on a day we were both off. Obviously I said yes, I hadn’t seen them in forever. I’ve been doing their hair for almost a year now I think maybe less. They had asked me to touch it up for Christmas, and also go with them to do some holiday shopping.

I don’t love Christian cause of uhh… ✨trauma✨ but they knew so much about my history that I knew I would feel safe enough with them that I wouldn’t have a complete breakdown. I was actually looking forward to it a lot, I even told the couple coworkers I talk to about it. The day before we were supposed to hang out I texted them and I asked if we were still on. They replied a few hours later with a “heck yeah”

Within a minute of their text I quickly asked if it was possible if they could pick me up since I have been having car trouble, I even offered to give gas money.

I guess that was too much to ask for, because they proceeded to not respond for the next 5 days… They waited until Christmas afternoon to finally text me.

Now this is the first time they have ever flaked on plans, but to me this is just a huge issue. I hate saying that because I just feel so gross about being upset by someone’s actions (I’m a people pleaser with massive anxiety and had a narcissistic single mom) but I just honestly can’t let it go.

It’s not the issue of being busy, I completely get that. It was 5 days before Christmas, I knew they are in school and they also work. I wouldn’t have had any problems rescheduling or just saying we can hang out another day. I wasn’t even getting anything out of it really other than just hanging out with them, I was the one doing something for them (for free I might add). I just…

I don’t get many days off from my job. This week I was off for Christmas and because we are so behind I don’t even know when my next day off is. Because of that, my days off aren’t really even days off they are more like chore days or adulting days where I get non work related shit done. Which I feel like is how most people my age live in this economy so I’m not fucking special but I’m just gonna say it for all of us doing this shit every week…

THIS. SHIT. FUCKING. SUCKS.

I am so tired of being and doing and going on and on for days just to get almost nothing out of it. I make shit money and I don’t even enjoy what I do but I don’t have the ability to just go somewhere else

All that to say: I spent a day of my life being unproductive because I was waiting on someone who didn’t even seem to have the time to spare a simple “I am so sorry can we reschedule today?”

I have massive ocd so if I start a task, I can’t just stop what I’m doing and go do something else. (Unless my adhd kicks in it’s not my fault ok I’m just built different not good but different) And obviously they don’t know that and I’m not gonna stand there and be like “Omg you made me lazy today you bitch!” Cause like obviously that’s not how it works

But I did however choose to put aside my responsibilities to spend time with someone that I genuinely care about and was excited to spend time with, and that person not only ghosted me for that day, it went on for 5 more days.

And like… it fucking hurts

I also get super insecure about our friendship just because they were “the popular kid” in our school and has a ton of friends even to this day. Like every time we hang out most of it is them spilling tea about their friendships, and I think it’s fucking great. But then I sit their and realize that they have so many people that talk to them and check on them and want to interact with them and… I don’t have that

They are pretty much my only outside contact and we talk maybe once a week

I just feel like maybe I’m convenient

Like I’m just there to fill voids for people

And I have such horrible trust issues from it. I’m at a point in life that I just refuse to try and date or social because I’m convinced that people will leave…

Because they always do

No matter how much you stay in contact. Whether you talk everyday or every month, eventually you get to a point where they are no longer in your life.

And I think that’s why I continue to cut people out, even when I can tell they are good for me

Especially when I can tell they might be good

Because I don’t deserve good

For I am just a place holder

[churomo]

courage

[jackdawsdrawings]

Drawings for some of the songs in HNOC, will do the last 3 once i can figure out what I even want them to look like :D

[thormanick]

Me, going about my day: i really like alhaitham and kaveh and whatever is happening between them. precious boys need to keep them safe

Evil Thoughs tm popping up in my head once in a while: canonically, Kaveh wants to be remembered. Alhaitham is a Scribe, which implies that he's keeping records. Alhaitham is closest to Kaveh and knows him really well. Alhaitham will be the best at remembering Kaveh. Therefore it might be a possibility that Alhaitham will outlive Kaveh, and by much-

Me, suddenly distressed: shut up shut up shut up-

[possiblytracker]

courtesy of the enablers in my notes, here is my Flamingo Wisdom gained from the catch today

first of all, a flamingo separated from its flock (as it has to be when you are moving that beast around) is kind of like a horse, in that it will freak the fuck out if a leaf so much as moves in the corner of its eye, and it really really really wants to break its stupid twig legs by any means necessary. and you really cannot let them do this, because they will probably die, but they are stronger than they look and despite their insane 70+yrs captive lifespan they appear pretty fucking determined to spectacularly remove themselves from this mortal coil. if they cannot kill themselves, they will simply attempt to kill something else; if you do not personally clamp their beaks shut using your entire hand they will reach around with their long stupid tube necks and start swinging without hesitation. they bite, and will rip out hair and earrings and whatever else in reach they can get their fucked up beaks on. several of the flamingos were covered in visible blood stains of unknown origin before even picking them up, and half the day was spent wondering if one had been attacked and was doing all this bleeding, but as far as i know nobody ended up finding any which left way more questions than answers

to transport a flamingo is a two-person effort, because they are so long and so desperate to fuck up themselves or whoever is around them that you need at least two sets of hands to pull it off safely. one person holds the flamingo facing backwards tucked under one arm kind of like a set of bagpipes. with the other arm you have to hold both legs apart, because if they are allowed to lash out you get fun accidents like "vet tech pummeled in the balls with full force of both flamingo feet at once, advised to leave premises". you have to hold the legs facing downwards, otherwise the circulation gets cut off, as they are physically incapable of pumping their own blood down there without the effects of gravity. the resulting effect looks kind of like you are holding a guitar wrong, or slow-dancing in a really fucked up way. it is also objectively impossible to place your hands on the bird in a way that you will not get pissed on.

the second person has to stand just behind the first and supervises the head, holding its beak shut as shown and supporting the neck in a comfortable position. some flamingos do not Have a comfortable position and will just spend the entire time wriggling and trying to bite you, which you just kind of have to deal with. you also get direct eye contact with the beast at all times, which is. interesting and unnerving

the only people handling them solo were the vet in charge of weighing the animals, the guy sticking them into the back of a van, and my boss, who stood in the corral chasing groups of them into a smaller pen for catching. every time a pair came to collect their next bird he would open the door to the pen, head in alone, you'd briefly hear the most fucked up cartoon fistfight-esque noises from inside, and about thirty seconds later he would reappear with an entire flamingo tucked casually under one arm like a football and just hand it to you. most baffling part of the entire experience, i think

despite the turbulence however they did make it safely to their new home :)

[insert-neologism]

hangman hands by flower face (draft)

[slayersins]

tomura fled the country actually and he is living with me now, sorry for not telling you guys sooner

[rebelangelsims]

Hands up to my mutuals who wanna read what I wrote so far for my story for writer's block?

Currently got place holder names so I'll have to think of names still

[ittybittybumblebee]

when i move out i need to find a good old vhs tape player so bad

[crossbackpoke-check]

BERGGY HAT TRICK NIGHT 🚨🚨🚨

[vanillabat99]

My collection of Cinnamoroll items has grown today!! I got some magnets and a little blind-box figurine! I got the entire Uzumaki manga (hardcover!!!) and I've gone through 14 chapters in 3 hours!! My mom also got me a denim jacket!! I've been looking for one to start putting patches on and this one is really cute!! It needs some mending on the lining and a good wash, but I don't mind :3

Overall, it has been a good day!! I got some pictures on my camera, ate lots of cheese sticks, and have some really cute jewellery supplies that I can't wait to use :3 I'm going to play boardgames with my family for the rest of the day!! I hope y'all are doing well 💕💕💕

[lunaetis]

@maquiscursed asked :

wriothesley growls into arle's ear before he returns to his 20th cup of tea for the day. she was blocking access to the kettle :(

unprompted. || always accepting

─「アルレッキーノ」─  was she getting in his way on purpose ? the KNAVE had long since learned to read his movements enough to predict what he was aiming for by following his line of vision alone. or one could say she had been in his head for long enough to understand what he might desire even before his BODY was heading for it. the harbinger was almost cackling in delight over that deep GROWL deposited close to her ear. thin lips were tugged upwards, cross-shaped hues glancing at the warden with a sort of smile that guaranteed to get on his nerves.

                " don't threaten me with a good time if you aren't going to follow up with it, warden. " the sound of that FERAL GROWL alone was gratifying. the fourth tilted her head back, a chuckle echoed from the back of her throat as clawed digits curled underneath her chin. the smile she wore allowed her own sharp fangs to peek from the corner of it. she could see it in his gaze, he still wanted the kettle. crimson nails dragged over the porcelain handle, the tip clinking against the surface idly.

                head dipped, lips rested close to his ear and a CHILL-INDUCING WHISPER dropped into the quiet air. " if you sink your fangs into me, i'll let you fill your cup despite how you had obviously exceeded the recommended consumption for caffeine. "

[error707-thatdude]

Classpecting your favorite characters is either "WOW this is so easy the classpect just popped into my mind as if I were a Seer, I am so smart and correct" or "None Of These Sound Right Why Am I Struggling What Is Even Going On"

[whybewybie]

Here's a random doodle I did in middle of the night while I was listening to my playlist named "Tsuki", the playlist is referring to a goddess oc I have relating to the moon.. it has beautiful songs such as "Orbit" by Alice Phoebe Lou and "To Be Loved" by Aurora ♡

[wizardcleric]

am I the only one who likes the bowl cut? it’s been with us for four seasons, it’s been through everything. we started with the bowl cut and we must end with the bowl cut

[milo-is-rambling]

I am the most regular member of my family ever (lying)