#I am a shell of what i once once | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

camelspit · 1 year

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what is this book. what is happening. edward will randomly mention shit like "yeah I found a dude with a murder basement once :)" and then spend the next 5 pages talking about bellas eyebrows or some shit. like no. go back. elaborate on that please.

#eddy if youre going to ramble at least make it interesting!!#or like. When he was about to go murder that guy with carlisle and then decided against it #And went back to watching bella sleep #Like no! Lemme see him go feral! Please!#At the very least give me a more in depth hunting scene!#I think the most interesting bits in this book have been when hes interacting with other cullens #Its a nice break from the constant bella obsessing #Ive grown numb to it #I am a shell of what i once once #Tell me about the murder basement edward #Roisins edward experience

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goldenhour-s · 9 months

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coming soon: britechester townhouse(s) for rent 🔑

#this is supposed to be for students renting together. they share the living room the kitchen and the laundry room #havent updated nor downloaded the ep yet so we'll see how the lot works once i get it... heheh #i used a shell i already built 3 years ago because i am what? economic #used some maxis match cc because why not tbh #sims 4 #ts4 #sims 4 build #golden int #golden ext #sims 4 for rent #sims 4 university

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cheeriochat · 4 months

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Im getting into metal gear.

#i bought mgs2 because its the only one i could get my hands on and ITS SO FUN #once you get the hang of the controls.#i died immediately when i first booted the game up #but im doing pretty well now #i just got to raidens part #i am playing on very easy mode though ^^“#its funny in the cutscene where he was swimming into the shell my mum was like “look at his butt in that wetsuit!”#psm was right he does have a womanly figure shhshdhs #buutttt yeah im having lots of fun with it!#im gonna give up on trying to buy the physical copy of the dmc collection and i'll just buy the digital one #just letting you guys know since i know a lot of my followers followed me for dmc stuff #but also this is my blog and i'll post what i like so #anyways yeaaaa!!!!#metal gear solid #mgs2 #raiden #mgs #i dont know tags

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purpurussy · 1 month

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#tw suicide #idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT #i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone #and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess #but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm #but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing #hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse #to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house #and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like #to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age #but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me #also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently #tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me #i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship #but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation #i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself #and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons #most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks #idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear #this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly #sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point #and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have #the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona #so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem #anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope

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talkorsomething · 3 months

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I have Got to get more transgender

#100% се��ретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #transmasc #trans ftm #transgender #i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever #so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL #it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks #such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also #or like. exist in general maybe #reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically #idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again #i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this #i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian #like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty #miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes #partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it #as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once #didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.

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bookishtheaterlover7 · 6 months

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Went over to blea74s page and she did bad mouth you with capt about being awful kids //

Anon you are an awful kid! I didn’t see them saying about Books blog.

Thanks, N🫶nnie. For clarifying.

But again, so tired of all this back and forth. And I can't bring myself to care about what she and others did or didn't say.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't... Just wish it didn't come with drama...

#An🫶n asks #An🫶n to An🫶n #booky reacts #booky answers #chris evans #chris evans fandom #Team Chris #special shout-out to the very first Anon to call me a racist which lead me to where I am today #a messy Fandom that's a shell of what it once was...#don't even know if I should post fics anymore if people are gonna say that “I'm obsessed and need mental help” because I write fics #scenarios that live in my head #I'm just sick and tired of all the drama #something that comes with being a part of this Fandom #man I need to rejoin the more obscure Fandoms again 😅#at least they aren't toxic

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doodlingwren · 24 days

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Hiatus

I am going on hiatus for a bit more. I really really hoped the stuff that have been going on lately were already "sorted out" but, uhm... they aren't. I need to take a bit more time offline once again, and try to work things out.

Thank you for your patience ❤

Wren

#EDIT: I've deactivated my IG for a bit because it wasn't helping at all. I'll be back there but I need time #wren text tag #somehow issues from mid July/early August have managed to get worse. Like I'm not even surprised bc I'm used to it but GIRL . What the fuck #“it's finally summer”+“can't wait to draw!” * gets 3 hiatus in a row * maybe drawing or summer isn't really meant to be 🤨🤔#I hate having to log-in to post a hiatus message and then dissapear again when I'm supposed to post my doodles n have fun #Feels like one of those jesters that appears at luncheon to entertain the royal court and then they go missing for the rest of the month #bc I'm trying very hard not to hide in my shell + having a bit more presence here to post my artwork #and somehow I fail at both like fucking heck. How can you be so bad at this.#but in short I won't be here to answer stuff and being silly or whatever people expect me to do #because if you're here for the silly stuff. MAN. I'm am sorry but I don't feel silly at all.#Somebody once said “the horrors are never ending yet I remain silly” but I forgot the “remain silly” part #And if you're here for drawings. I don't even have time and I don't feel like drawing at all. Idk which one is worse #The bakery hangs up the “closed today” so people know they have to go to buy bread somewhere else. Same here. But it won't last a day #idk why the bread analogy. Guess I'm a birb after all #this is also the closest thing to a vent post I will ever write and I managed to say nothing at all. Vagueposting about vent. Good job Wren #tw: vent #tagging in case somebody like me needs to have some tags filtered #the hiatus will go on also a bit longer because the last few weeks my mental health suffered a lot and I know my limit #also this post was queued. If I see I can still be active before publishing I will delete it otherwise see for yourself #also queue doesn't work ig like I programmed this for 9 pm hopefully it will be up by then and not any other random time

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grocerystoreanxiety · 1 month

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ah well fuck it, going above my calories today for more whiskey hehe (dumb)

#it’s fine it’s still under 800kcal #with 3 whiskey doubles #which isn’t even like ?? my goal was to get abt 1000kcal a day but then I ofc got stupid with it and ’’i can restrict better’’#(bc my weight’s not dropping but like now ik it will purely out of dehydration)#like I try to aim at the 1000kcal to keep everything sane but fuck that’s boring #I want to feel like I restrict when I do #sure I’d get there when I’d restrict with 1000kcal for long enough but I’m impatient #and like I look so bad currently #and now there’s the ’’might have to be in a bikini this weekend’’ fucking thing #the abs are still there but not as prominent as I’d like to #but also somehow more prominent than I’d like to around relatives bc like the ribs too so it could look a bit too sickly to ppl #even tho I’m like at bmi 21-22 rn aka very boring healthy thing #(I carry my most of weight in my thighs rn I think)#idk idk what my point was #anyways I’m feeling the drunk rn #not sad drunk per se but like a lil bit like idk bittersweet drunk if that’s a thing #I just replied to my crush is what contributes greatly to me feeling weird #bc I like him so much but I don’t think it’ll ever work out so I just always feel like ’’aw fuck why not :(’’ after messaging him #and like I’m not even trying with that anymore bc of me not being too stable at the moment and if it’d somehow work out I’d have to stay #alive and all that and like uhh fuck no #I’m not trying to gather anymore ppl around me to suffer once I go #like my family will and that’s already more than I can take and it’ll all be fucking shit but I also have concluded that I can’t stay alive #just for them like sure that'd be the right thing to do but what good am I being a shell of a human & the family fuckup #(also ugh sorry abt talking abt death so much today; just been on my mind a lot recently and I’ve had drinks so my filter is non-existent)#this too should stay as a draft but alas send post

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dandyshucks · 1 month

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trying to tell other ppl about OCs is so hard and embarrassing, like yeah here's my automaton guy that I've been calling Empty Mask, yeah I nearly cried over the thought of him collecting broken porcelain dolls the other day, yeah he sounds kind of stupid but he's actually kind of a tragic character if u get to know his story,,,,,,

#I JUST FEEL SO STUPID TRYING TO EXPLAIN CHARACTERS TO PPL 😭😭#they always think empty mask is a weird silly name and it IS weird and kind of stupid fjfkdl #but its like. the cracked exterior shell of an automata and he's missing stuff behind the face shell.... THERES MEANING TO IT 😭😭#also its technically a placeholder name until he figures one out for himself once he finds a proper identity for himself...#BUT THE SAME THING WITH WARDELL #''yeah this is my guy who turns into a dog. um. the fae cursed him sort of and now he works for them? but he doesn't want to.#and he's... yeah u know what lets talk abt smth else actually'' DHDJDKL BLEASE i wish i was better at it #actually i could be better at it but i dont want to put effort into telling ppl stories if they dont care #and i cant tell if they care or not so i just give them a half-hearted explanation to judge their interest #and then ofc bc i do such a bad job then they aren't rly interested fhfkdl #but i AM a good storyteller if i actually put effort and heart into it 😭 I've been told many times how engaging i am w storytelling irl #i just. get scared to put effort into it LMAO esp when these stories Mean smth to me #i can tell someone abt when i had to try to cross paths w a black bear easy peasy bc thats just a thing that happened #but it doesnt Mean anything to me beyond it just being somewhat interesting #my characters though .... aaougghhh #dandy.cmd #vent //

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yoojinluv · 2 months

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#day 56 no alcohols!!#definitely putting myself in a 100 day time out was a good call #I didn’t realize how much of my life I was missing #i have more of a desire to try new things and pick up some hobbies :•)#coming back to myself…#it feels good #I’m also at an age that feels somewhat transitional #like I’m about to step through a door #but when aren’t we right #I guess it just feels somewhat significant #like I’ve been sleeping and am only just now waking up after a few years #the relationship I had with my ex did so much more damage than I realized when we first broke up #I really became a shell of myself during the time we spent together #ignoring my soul and true self led to a lot of …mess #it’s easy to do and once you get far enough away from yourself it’s before you even know it #but anyways!!#here’s to a better more authentic tomorrow #and not k^lling yourself bc you never know what the future holds #no matter what happens I’m along for this ride I guess #and it might sound crazy but choi yujin really does brighten up my life #seeing her updates and her doing her best in all her endevours inspires me to do the same #my sunshine girl ☀️ wishing her nothing but the best forever n always #we are on the same planet together and that’s so cool and makes me like earth a little more 🌏🌍��

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amiryllisthorn · 3 months

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bioware not chase trends to end up years behind the curve challenge truly impossible.

Its just so weird looking at what they showed and seeing something that resembled more like god of war or horizon at a time when crpgs are being more successful than ever before.

#bioware is really just a shell of itself at this point #like so many people had been fired or quit its just like what are they doing #I am trying not to harp on games too much #but some of this just is just weird like ????#and I know its been hell and has been restarted like 3 times but still #it just feels like once again another trend chaser rather than trying to be its own thing

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rainedroptalks · 2 years

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FUCKING WHAT???? FUCKING WHAT???? JOHNS THE W H A T

#ramblings #mars listens to malevolent #liveblogging #malevolent #i am a shell of the man i once was what the f u c k #he’s the king??#im so fumking angry #i swear so much when im in shock lol

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millesbianforce · 11 months

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The problem with being autistic is that of course I have criticism about Special Important Thing™ but if someone else says something stupid about Special Important Thing™ suddenly I'm pacing my room and shaking with rage

#ARE THE TOXIC CEDAR POINT FANBOYS IN THE ROOM WITH US RIGHT NOW?????#AS IF HATING CEDAR POINT ISNT THEE MOST POPULAR FUCKING OPINION TO HAVE RIGHT NOW?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?#AS IF I AM UNAWARE THAT THE PARK RIGHT NOW IS A PATHETIC SHELL OF WHAT IT ONCE WAS!?!?!?!!?!?!??!!?#IM GOING TO START EATING MY OWN ORGANS

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marshmallowprotection · 2 years

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Kait, I'm so happy to hear that you're safe! What you've done is incredibly brave, you should be proud of yourself!

I can also imagine that it's incredibly exhausting. Please take all the time you need to rest and recover, and don't apologize for being inactive. You always give us so much support, now it's our turn to support you <33

I'm doing okay, thanks for checking on me, Faye! It still hasn't hit me quite yet that I made a decision that was bold and decisive. It's one of those things where you have to look before you leap if you want anything to get better. I did a lot of things I didn't think I was capable of and in that regard, I can say that I'm proud of myself for being able to feel like a person with my own autonomy. It's going to take a little bit for me to feel like myself again. But I'm sure most people understand that. When you've been put down your entire life, it can make the moment when you step out into the sun without looking behind your shoulder to see if something's chasing you feel overwhelming. The good news is that I'm going to be okay.

In the same vein that I know Saeran and Saeyoung will be okay.

#mod kait #ask #not mm #brighteststar707 #the only tricky part is getting my body to understand that I'm okay #living in fight or flight for such a long time is difficult to put into words for people who haven't been through that #there is more ways to react to fear than just fight or flight but we've shortened it to fight or flight #but for people who have been in traumatic situations their body is almost constantly in a state of fear like that #you can't turn it off because your body is consistently trying to keep you safe #so once you are finally in a place where you don't need to feel it anymore. your body just doesn't know what to do #it's kind of like being a shell shocked or having a bucket of cold water dumped on you all of a sudden #so not only am I dealing with exhaustion #my brain is trying to comprehend all of the choices that I've made #I'm going to be okay and I know that. but it's just going to take a little bit for my body to get to that point #just because you can mentally understand something doesn't mean that the way that your body will react the same way #I'm just babbling on the chance that saying any of that can make people feel better about feeling different kinds of fear #y'all know me. always thinking about this before I think about myself / J

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#unprecedented emotions in this body o mine. like. this may b surprising given the amount of bitching i do on this website #but let me assure u irl i am exceptionally patient. but right now. there is a limit and that is where we now stand #and again this is prob my fault but ive come to the conclusion that fuck these custom chambers. fuck the amount of work that went into them #fuck all of this. im not fucking using them. i will sit here with this one fucking bryophite chamber if it takes me all goddam day bc at #least i fucking trust the values. that means ill have to split up measurements by 2 days but fuck u im right abt this #the solution is: u cant fucking do 98 samples at once. that it. im sorry. fuck u #and i would probably have come to this conclusion earlier if i had thr time to test but doing it all rught now with no fucking room for #grace makes it very fucking clear. so idk. im not fucking using the chambers. and im not looking forward to explaining this to my boss #bc shes so excited abt this project that i have been dreading since its conception. i started with the 3 chambers and it was somehow #even more awful than i would have imagined. fuck that. 2 or 3 fucking weeks of this #and im not even getting paid for all the extra work i do bc i don't get overtime. im not even technically allowed to work weekends or over #40hrs a week. im just doinf this bc im already so miserable why thr fuck not.#hhhhh im being such a brat abt this for real. ugh but i dont wanna meet with my boss #bc this feels like the time where i have to explain that like. listen. u know that thing im really good at and have spent fucking hour and #hours and hours and hours of time doing? well its catastrophically destructive to my brain and thats whats landed us here #where im so fucking fed up that i wanna quit. clean cut and never work with this stuff ever again #and if i have to use the 3 chambers i might die. i might just evaporate away into a million pieces bc i dont wanna deal with this #but i dont wanna explain that bc then shell feel bad and this isnt her fault. i have an issue thats out of my control and im letting it #devour me whole so like 🤷‍♂️ its my fault bleh #whatever. itll be fine. ive got a coherent argument as to why this is too much. and i kno im fucking right so there it is #i feel like that helps me make decisions: heres what has to happen. heres whats preventing that from happening #and there it is. it either u can fix it or u cant. thats it. u deal with the things in ur control #lol at least im not alone to stew in my anger. im working with 2 other ppl today. so i mean i say that im fucking furious bc im visual fine #lol bc im a patient and level headed person irl im just really whiney online bc i have no outlet. so itll b fine. decision made now we just #deal with it. ugh but how tf am i gonna distract myself from how miserable this is all day? thats the real question #brain gets Interrupted ever 5 min bleh agony #unrelated

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0rionz-belt · 2 years

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its hard to think that there was at least a week of my life where I balanced marching band, my rock band program, writing, drawing, and theater on top of high school. I talked to people, both friends and unfamiliar with no issue. And i never thought anything of it.

5 years later and I can barely function doing even 3 of those things. i miss being an artist.

#vent #on the other hand i really shouldnt idolize that version of myself #after all. That kid's insecurity is what caused this.#she was so scared her crush was going to leave her and what did she do? She freaked out and made the process go faster.#i cant even begin to wonder how long it would have taken if that never happened. maybe it wouldnt have been so tragic.#she didnt know her crush liked her too.#by all means i should be considering her a different person.#she was an ENFP girl from Seattle. adopted bc her parents didnt have the money. took a miracle pill with apparently different uses.#im Orion. an INFP enby who was meant to be born in Indiana. adopted for my and my mom's safety. I take Vyvanse for adhd and that alone.#She was an artist who tried every new thing she came across but was scared of carnival rides and coasters.#I am a pathetic shell of a person whos just getting back into the flow of doing art stuff again after 4 years.#and i am...significantly less afraid of carnival rides and rollercoasters.#its funny. the parts about where im from and why im adopted and what my medication is for.#those are not things about my personality. except for the medication part tbh.#but they are important to who i am. i had to dig that shit out of my parents. finding it out over the past 3 years.#i dont know. is it really such a crime to want to be who i once was and keep traits of who i currently am?#also no just because i misgender myself here doesnt mean you get to as well.#but yeah. thats why i call myself an it.

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