#I am constantly worried that everyone thinks that im gay and that that somehow makes me morally wrong!!

[belladonnafleur]

🐸

[colloquialcolors]

anyway so im watching the gay holiday movie and

- my type is, very clearly, tired and moderately stressed women who are trying their best. 

- that said: i really like kristen stewarts characters usually, but also both of them seem like they will be stressed and suppressing feelings, so i have no idea who my gaybrain will cling on to this time. 

- before starting, i was like: do i dislike romcom christmas movies because of the movies, or because of the heretonormativity? about ten minutes in, i’m leaning towards the movie tropes. god. why do none of u fuckers communicate.

- but also, this whole “i am so deeply and constantly stressed about not being out and then i have to go home and Not Be Out” vibe is really just smacking me across the face too. dammit. 

- but also. *tsks over relationship dynamics*

- but also i feel like i’m having an ongoing allergy attack watching this because WOW thos family dynamics and the SENSATION OF STILTEDNESS. I’m just gonna

- *LIES DOWN AND SCREAMS OVER THE ANSWER TO “do you have a boyfriend” *fast no* *but like ive had them of course. BUT NOT TOO MANY.* fuCK. 

- her mom scares the shit out of me. i am deeply worried about her sister but not in a “she’s a threat” way but in a “oh god i hope she has access to therapy” way.

-oh i see why everyone was gay for aubrey plaza.

- oh her older sister is like that.well i suppose. yeah. makes sense with their mom.

- i shouldnt have said anything about a sister being a threat now im just. all red flags. oh god oh god oh god

- watching this at home silently in my room at the dead of night after agonizing how best to hide the way it would alter my hulu recs is a CHOICE because now im just having a silent secondary panic attack over harper trying so hard to be straight to be Good and abby just fuckin. silently losing it.

- oh no riley is classic gay flirting. *appears* *hovers* *tries very ahrd to be friendly* *drops random compliment* *LEAVES FAST* jesus goddammit

- i remember now why i dont watch these kinds of movies. i dont do well with secondhand social anxiety.

- oh somehow this thing about trying to awkwardly hem around being Gey with someone who should be friendly is getting me more than it should

- also between the general anxiety of secondhand “you have to watch everything you do and everything the people around you do” and also my brain going “why arent they wearing MASKS” this is a wild experience

-hrggggggg every romcom is built on misunderstandings piling up and i understand that but hrgggg pain

- here i was minding my own business and they have the NERVE to let kristen stewart stand around in a suit with her shirt unbuttoned and tie undone excuse me.

-”I thought she loved me and I made her happy, and I see her here and she’s so terrified of what everyone thinks, its just making me wonder who the real Harper is.” “Well, maybe they both are.” HA WHOOPS DONT LIKE HOW CLOSE TO HOME THATS HITTING.

- OH THAT WHOLE CONFESSION SPEECH REALLY JUST YANKED MY INSIDES OUT THANK YOU OW OW OW OW OW

- oh im not a fan of forced coming out scenes.

- oh there we go, the reason im watching this alone at night: im crying. this whole fucking scene ex fucking scuse me “its really terrifying” KASHFJA fuck

-OH IT WASNT A FORCED COMING OUT SCENE SIKe?

- oh here we go: the good alls well that ends well of a romcom. okay but also.... fuck. im here for it. god. being gay and accepted and, oh god. alright. okay. im done crying.

- i might have more thoughts later but this is fine for now. 

- okay no i DO have thoughts: i think its a romcom which means i automatically will side eye carious relationship choices. i dont think the movie portrayed the actual abby/harper rel well enough, so im mostly like; i will trust u that they make each other happy. i dont hold it against harper because i Get It. Being closeted is fucking terrifying and draining and creates a separate you, almost. It portrayed that well. too well? hmmmm. riley deserves Good Things. In romcom fashion, fingers crossed she got em. AND of course, abby deserves the world. protect her.

[coquelicoq]

the untamed ep 8, non-bunny edition

it only took 5 minutes for lxc to show up in the episode but i got so excited when i saw him that it felt like we had just endured a long separation. this is probably his only scene this episode and already i am dreading our time apart. here i stand on my widow’s walk, welcoming my ship captain husband home from his latest transatlantic odyssey, knowing that i can only keep him with me for a short while before the siren call of his one true love, the sea, rips him away yet again from my loving embrace

*ben wyatt voice* it’s about the bittersweet yearning

why isn’t this whole show a split screen, half showing the actual events of the series and the other half showing whatever random stuff lxc is up to? meditating, playing the flute, washing his hair, making wedding planning scrapbooks, whatever. am i just supposed to...not think about him constantly?? sounds fake but okay

if you want to read about people other than lan xichen for some reason, you can do that under the cut i GUESS

i don’t want to spend too much time thinking about why wei ying decided to make a spell to keep people from being more than 6m away from him because i’m pretty sure it’s just gonna make me sad

i’ll take fear of abandonment for $1000, alex

so much arm yanking this episode! first with the spell and then at the market (when lwj gets that great look on his face like “but that’s?? MY arm?!??”). it’s always a good time for a firm pull on the ol’ arm if you ask me, and no that is NOT a euphemism for anything thank you very much

the gay energy at this market omg. i would pay CASH MONEY to see a scene where wwx has an out of body experience and has to watch himself make eyes at lwj and then justify how that’s a totally normal way to look at your cranky uptight peer who keeps putting you in detention

i’m so glad nhs is along for the ride. this boy is a treasure

i was really a fool for thinking that people were exaggerating about nie “im too gay to function” huaisang going gaga for lwj in the scene at the market. NOPE. it is really actually all the way gay, NO fandom goggles required. i mean there are literally flower petals falling from the sky in slomo so i’m not sure how i didn’t see this coming. yet ANOTHER rookie mistake on my part smdh

i feel like i’ve seen it said that nhs is third-wheeling, and i have to disagree. nhs is not an extraneous person tagging along and getting in wangxian’s way, he’s serving a purpose: he’s there to get wwx to recognize what’s right in front of him. if anything, nhs is a set of training wheels, and once wwx doesn’t need his hints anymore, he can remove himself from the picture and wangxian can two-wheel off into the sunset. unfortunately for everyone involved, wwx takes too long and the bike just crashes instead. whoops

most importantly, he gets to really show off his fan this ep. FINALLY. mr. fan man, man me a fan. man me an effing fan, man!!!!

okay no wait i got a good one. a man, a plan, a fan...alpanama!

i guess alpanama is my name now for the untamed’s greatest power throuple, nhs x his fan x his schemes and machinations

the best ships, in order: 1) alpanama, 2) shijie x living happily ever after, 3) wangxian, and 4) xiyao (just let me live in blissful ignorance a little while longer ok)

(i know that was all nonsense but just stay with me)

ugh jiang cheng is so fucken cute this episode. he just CARES about his BROTHER and it HURTS ME because of SOME EVENTS that HAPPEN LATER

gdi you guys i was really hoping i wasn’t gonna get attached to this guy!

i know the fandom loves him but i was hoping that i was somehow more resistant than all of you. of course i’m not. of course that was folly.

i am a fool. a FOOL!!!

and now, over to wen qing for a special report entitled “be still my heart: no don’t worry doc, my heart is fine, you’re just really pretty” (it’s a working title)

question: does wen qing ever get to fuck anybody up? because i’d LOVE that arc for her.

also i love how she just like. never responds whenever anyone says anything to her, and they’re all just like “ah well. that checks out. i don’t deserve to hear her speak anyway”

omg my strategy QUEEN!!! got dang girl!! she’s in such a powerless position and yet...here she is stealthily putting a rescue plan in motion. adapt. improvise. overcome

aaaaand we’re back! at the mountain we were at with the juniors in the second episode. too bad i’ve...already forgotten everything that happened there??

oh, sure. just sleep in the temple with the statue that eats souls. sounds like a grand plan. what could possibly go wrong.

why aren’t there more fics set on the night that three dumbass teenage boys decided to have a slumber party right next to a soul-eating goddess statue? think of the hijinx!! the lame ghost stories. the truth or dare. spin the bottle but there’s no bottle so wwx is just spinning suibian?? the possibilities are endless and we don’t talk about this enough

oh yay! zombie time!

look at these lil cuties. they’re like a very slow, extremely unimpressive runway show. walk walk fashion baby

i tell you what, if i were a zombie, just dragging my own dead weight along would be hard enough, so i really want to applaud these enterprising corpses who are also lugging along a pole or whatever. way to bring your a-game, guys!!

or actually they’re ghost puppets i guess? are ghost puppets equivalent to zombies/reanimated corpses? whatever. they are equivalent in my heart

i imagine that it must have been really fun to shoot this scene. just look at these ghost puppet actors. you can’t tell me they weren’t having the grandest time, banging on the door in the most exaggerated manner, just sort of flailing about in fake slomo making weird noises. they are out here unliving their best un-lives and good for them tbh

okay nobody panic, being attacked by hordes of the undead just means it’s a perfect opportunity for a dramatic rescue. whenever is good for you jiang cheng.  ANY TIME NOW SHIDI!!!

[pretty-bois]

roger taylor is god

So @denimwrappeddisasters and I are currently obsessed with Ben Hardy’s Roger Taylor and we may have text-written a crossover fic with Queen and the Harringrove boys. It also might’ve turned out long and smutty so I’ll post it in two parts. (This whole thing is copy pasted so the formatting is super weird, sorry about that)

I feel like Freddie would pick up Billy at some bar or one of their concerts or something because I mean he’s hot and he’s actually really cool, they’d hang out for a bit, Freddie would then bring Billy around while they’re recording and the rest of the band would be all “oh is this another one of your boyfriends??” And then they’d be confused bc Billy and Freddie aren’t really flirting at all but Billy KEEPS staring at Roger 

They’d quickly figure out what’s going on with all of Billy’s not so subtle flirting Roger would probably be all uncomfortable at first but then would just start playing along after a bit

Roger and Billy’s first exchange after Billy’s been staring for longer than he should’ve been:

R: “You got a problem man?” B: “Yeah, you’re not on top of me right now” *winks and walks away*

*Roger sputters*

*as Billy’s walking away* (showing his ass more than necessary) “I’m in love with my car is my favorite by the way!!” *Roger to Freddie* “You know what, he’s welcome back ANYTIME” *Billy turns the corner and starts squealing and jumping around because THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN* Then they become friends and billy CONSTANTLY invites roger to have threesomes with him and Steve Holy shit can you imagine if he were to say yes like the 100th time Billy asks R: “Fine! But I am not taking anything up my ass” B: “Oh don’t you worry baby, that’s my job” R: “And I’m ONLY doing it just this once so you stop asking” B: “Alright, but trust me, you’re gonna wanna do it again” Billy would make it home and just start SCREAMING Steve: “What, did Roger do something hot again?” B: “HE HE-AND THEN HE- AHHH STEVE STEVIE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT BABY WE’RE GONNA- I’M GONNA- FUUUUCCKKK” S: “Ok Billy! BILLY!! You need to calm down before you hyperventilate!! Deep breaths come on, with me” *after he’s calmed down a bit* S: “Ok baby you wanna try again?” B: “Rog-Roger said-he said he-he agreed to the threesome!! HES GONNA FUCK ME STEVIE” *rambles on about Roger’s dick* “oh god it’s probably soooo big baby! Not as big as you, but still big!” And Steve is just sat there staring at him, slightly in awe because he’s going to have a threesome with a rockstar, but also kinda jealous because his boyfriend is waayy too excited for his comfort. S: “Whoa whoa—when is this happening Billy?” B: “TOMORROW NIGHT!” S: “WAIT WHAT?” B: “YEAH! That means we can’t fuck tonight though, I wanna be so ready for him.” S: “But you promised me—“ B: “Don’t worry baby, there’s plenty of other ways for me to get you off” *wink* *immediate blush from steve* Billy jumps up, “oh god, we need to clean the apartment. I have to go buy lube and condoms. You think he’s ever fucked a guy before? I‘m gonna turn him gay baby, just you wait.” *grabs his keys and runs out the door* Roger would walk in the door and be SO visibly uncomfortable and nervous. Steve, seeing this, hands him a beer and asks “so. . . You ever done this before? You know, with a guy and all?” “Oh uh no I haven’t but Freddie wouldn’t shut up last night giving me tips” “Well Billy’s really excited. honestly, I would be jealous but this has been a dream of his LONG before he met me” *roger blushes* “oh wow, didn’t know that. He was so cool about it, you know, besides the whole incessantly asking thing.” * stevie laugh * “He’s a good actor.” *sounds from the other room, Steve leans over* “He’ll be out in a sec, but just keep this in mind— Billy’s hottest when he’s breaking in front of you. So ruin him.” “What does that even mean?” “You’ll know. Trust me.” Billy walks out “What have my boys been talking about?” And Steve’s like “Nothing baby, c’mere” *making out in front of roger* *Rogers eyes go wide and his mouth drops open* “O-ok I might be able to get behind this after all” *steve and Billy both reach out and grab his arms pulling him towards them* “Alright Roger lets see if you’re as good as they say you are” *Roger chugs down the rest of his beer* “Ah Fuck it” *billy internally screaming like we are at this almost smut* “I get the first taste” *furiously kisses roger who is quite literally swept off his feet by them and pulled into their bedroom* *roger is making Eddie kissing Venom sounds*        •       s e x      •    (calm down the good shit is at the end) *Afterwards* *all parties very out of breath* R: “. . . F U C K” B: “Shit man are you freaking out???” S: “Oh my god Roger are you like ok???” R: “Yeah yeah I’m fine it’s just I owe Freddie $100 now” S: “What did you guys bet that you wouldn’t go through with it or something?” R: “No we bet on whether I’d enjoy it or not” B: “Shit Did we turn THE Roger Taylor gay???!!!!??” R: “Just a LITTLE ok!!” B: “haHA!!!” B: “STEVIE BABY I FUCKING TOLD YOU!” R: “Told him what?” B: “That this ass would be able to make you gay” R: “Yeah. You fuckin told him. That’s a good fuckin ass. Might need to have it again sometime.” B: “Did. . . Did you SERIOUSLY just say you want my ass AGAIN?” R: “Yeah, why?” *billy faints* R: “Oh god is he okay?” S: “Yeah just give him a sec he’ll be fine. He does this kind of a lot. NEVER say the number ‘10’ around him.” R: “What’s wrong with the number 10?” *Billy waking up* B: “Hopper what???” S: “He’s not here Billy don’t get your hopes up” B: “Mmm THAT’S a shame”

R: “Damn You two are almost as bad as Freddie” B: *cackling* “you WISH” *Billy shoots up in bed* “WAIT GUYS. BEST IDEA. FOURSOME- US AND HOPPER” R: “Who is—“ S: “NO BILLY. NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. I DO NOT C A R E HOW BIG HIS FUCKIN DICK IS.” (I’m sorry but we have an ironic love for Hoppingrove)

R: “Wait are you implying that you know someone with a 10 inch dick???” B: “YES” S: “BILLY. NO.” Roger and Billy walk into the recording studio the next day and everyone is SILENT Roger doesn’t say anything but he walks over to Freddie and hands him the $100 The whole band just starts yelling “AYYYYYYY YOU GET ‘IM TAYLOR” (Fondly) “Aww fuck off you guys” Freddie INSISTS on so many in depth details And billy is MORE than happy to oblige B: “Boys, you wouldn’t BELIEVE the things roger can do with that mouth of his” *roger turns bright red* *brian turns around and starts leaving* Brian: “Oh god, ok I’m done listening” B: “But don’t you wanna hear about how good I am at riding dick? Roger’ll tell you all about it. He was SUPER vocal last night.” Freddie’s leaning on his hand like “tell me MORE!” *Roger somehow gets MORE red* B: “And oh my god he actually agreed to blow Steve, hottest thing I’ve seen In a LONG time” Freddie: “Oooooooooooooh Did my advice help?!? I made sure to walk him through how it works!!” B: “Is THAT why he was so good???” *Roger starts loudly playing the drums and singing I’m in love with my car* *talking over the drums* F: “DID HE DO THAT THING WITH HIS TONGUE?” B: “HOLY SHIT YES THAT DROVE STEVE CRAZY!” F: “OH! ROGER YOU ACTUALLY LISTENED TO ME FOR ONCE!” *roger screaming* “RATHER BUY ME A NEW CARBURETOR” B: “AND DAMN DOES HE KNOW HOW TO FUCK! THOSE GIRLS WERE N O T LYING” *Roger screaming louder* “CARS DON’T TALK BACK THEY’RE JUST FOUR WHEELED FRIENDS NOW” *Billy somehow louder* “HE EVEN SAID HE’D DO IT AGAIN!!” *freddie to Roger* “I’M SO PROUD OF YOU DARLING!!!”

*roger just screaming unintelligibly* F: “ROGER! QUIET!” He stops, and is panting Billy elbows Freddie like B: “He was panting just like that last night” R: “BYE” *hits them both with his drumsticks as he’s leaving* *simultaneously through their laughter* "Ooh so you’re into THAT aren’t you??” R: “Fuck you both” B: “Please???” *flips them off while laughing* *pops his head back through the door* R: “Actually, I’d rather have Steve fuck ME. That’d be interesting.” *slams it* *billy and Freddie slowly turn to look at each other and start screaming* “THAT’S SO FUCKING HOT” *cough* he totally gets fucked over his drum set at some point *cough* And he LOVES it S T O P FUCK HE LOVES IT SO MUCH. HE AND STEVE FUCK BILLY OVER THE DRUM SET SO BILLY CAN ENJOY IT TOO AND HE PLAYS THEM WHILE THEY’RE DOING IT

HE MAKES BILLY GUESS THE SONG AND AS SOON AS HE CAN’T ANYMORE THEY KNOW HE’S GONE HE PLAYS I’M IN LOVE WITH MY CAR AND WHEN HE CAN’T EVEN GET THAT ONE THEY KNOW HE’S  R E A L L Y  GONE

BILLY’S SOBBING ALL OVER THE DRUMS AND THERE’S CUM AND SPIT AND LUBE ON EVERYTHING AND ROGER KEEPS ON PLAYING AND FUCKING AND THE DRUMS MAKE THE GROSSEST SOUNDS BECAUSE THEY’RE COVERED BUT ITS THE BEST F U C K AND STEVE CANT HANDLE IT AND BILLY’S MUSH AND ROGER IS COMPLETELY IN CHARGE AND HE KNOWS IT

Fuck wait Roger wincing/whimpering when he sits down to play the next day YES WHIMPERING IS BETTER He forgets to clean off the drums and Brian asks him about it BR: “Roger, what’s up with the drums? Why are they so. . . Sticky?” R: “NO CLUE” Freddie pops in late “He fucked on those drums” R: “FREDDIE!” “What? It’s true!” BR: “WHAT THE HELL ROGER?! WHY!????!!!” R: *mumbled* “it was hot ok??” BR: *exasperated* “can’t you at least clean them after?!” R: “I mean I would’ve if my legs still worked” BR: “FUCK MAN is that why you were being all weird when you sat down??” R: “. . .” Brian walks away muttering “Not like I fuck on my damn guitar. Can’t believe I touched that shit.”

part two

[jeongincore]

Shit i really liked and kinda didn’t like about Ragnarok

I recently saw ragnarok and became so rejuvenated that i brought my marvel blog back but i wanted to seriously talk about like things that i liked and really didn’t just to get shit out there. 

Things i really liked (like so much that i am obsessed)

-Thor’s new hair cut/outfit, i think its actually super suitable. Gives that sort of cool ass warrior refugee look. Plus, Chris Hemsworth is beautiful. 

-The humor, oh god it was hilarious, i’ve never laughed so genuinely and so much in my life and it made the movie so charming and relatable. It was also such a departure from The Dark World and the first Thor, which dealt with so much emotional baggage for not only just Thor, but for Loki, who basically suffered throughout both movies. 

-Hulk being an actual toddler/Bruce Banner being so fucked up and anxious because WHEN DID HE GET ON AN ALIEN PLANET. 

-”You’ve been on other planets before i assume” “Yeah, one!” “well now it’s two” 

-Valkyrie. Her entire everything gave me so much to love and adore. Tessa Thompson has stole my heart yet again. 

-TAIKA WAITITI AS KORG WAS ACTUALLY SO FUNNY

-The little tiny glimpses of Loki and Thor’s childhood, aka the snake story, get help. It really showed how much time Loki and Thor had spent together, which i assume is a lot because age in Asgardian years work differently probably? Like imagine that, Loki and Thor spending time together and being inseparable for 100 years. It showed that they were always close despite loki feeling different or alienated, which explains why its so hard for Loki to just leave thor for dead. 

-”You’ll always be the god of mischief, but you can be so much more” See that shit destroyed me. Thor acknowledges that Loki is not like him. He’s a trickster, manipulative, and selfish. But he also acknowledges that Loki is so much more than his tricks and lies, which shows so much character growth in Thor, who sees loki as more than just an asgardian prince that was raised the exact same way opposite of Thor, but as his own fucking person.

-Thor actually not being stupid and falling for Loki’s tricks, aka his magic projections of himself/his petty, stupid betrayals. Tom mentioned that Thor was evolving and that Loki was finally starting to realize that he’s the only one not growing. Scenes like the betrayal scene and the snake scene, although meant to be hilarious, point out that Thor isn’t that idiot that just was too trusting of his brother, he sees through Loki’s tricks, he’s seen them for years, and it really shows that Loki’s getting predictable with his fake deaths and betrayals, which might hint at him changing? 

-IT FIXED THE INCONSISTENCIES. The main reason i didn’t like Dark world, though i did see it as amazing for its ability to mix the emotional darkness between Loki and Thor along with the humor throughout the movie, was because it pointed Loki out to be the type of cold blooded monster that would murder his own father. I mean I’m no Loki apologist, i love the kid but he’s killed, he’s manipulated, he’s hurt everyone around him, but i doubt he could ever kill Odin, no matter how much of a shitty father he is. Also low-key hated the whole “Loki if you betray me, ill kill you” Thor bullshit. We all know thor wouldn’t be able to do that, he still hopes Loki is his brother. 

-AGAIN, THE SNAKE SCENE WAS SO FUNNY. 

-”I thought the world of you Loki.” Ouch. 

-Hulk and Val’s bromance. 

-The entire Valkyrie v. Hela scene. It was so beautiful and ethereal i actually nutted. 

-LOKI DIDN’T NEED TO COME BACK. HE DIDN’T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE SHIP WITH THOR. HE DIDN’T NEED TO GO BACK TO ASGARD. HE COULD HAVE NOT. BUT HE DID. BECAUSE SOMEWHERE IN THERE UNDER THE SELFISHNESS MAYBE HE CARES.

-Loki’s face when odin called him his son. 

-Loki’s face when Hela told him to kneel. 

-Loki refusing to let Thor go back to Asgard. “Are you serious? you can’t be thinking of going back there, that’s madness!” is that? Loki cARING? 

-Loki’s character development. 

-thor in a jean jacket and hoodie in new york. 

-Thor spilling beer everywhere. 

-Loki letting Thor take the orgy ship. 

-Jeff Goldblum. Thats it. 

-LOKIS FACE WITH THOR AND ODIN ON THE ROOF OF THE CASTLE I SCREmed AFTER ALL LOKI DID HE WAS STILL PUT THERE AS A PRINCE OF ASGARD BYE.  

-”Hello father” “OH SHIT” 

-The entire play. Loki’s rule as a benevolent god/king in which, before everyone feared him for a dictatorship militaristic form of ruling he could have, but in reality he just like ate grapes and watched plays. 

-Thor wanting to be a Valkyrie. The crowned prince of asgard, wanting to be an elite team of woman warriors. 

-VAL IS GAY AND IN TESSA THOMPSONS WORDS, HAD A GIRLFRIEND THAT SACRIFICED HERSELF TO SAVE HER. 

-Val kicking Loki’s ass. 

-THE RETURN OF THE DOUBLE BLADES OUT OF NOWHERE. 

-Loki in a suit. 

-HEIMDALL I LOVEJWIFHTGE.

-”I thought you didn’t want to talk about it” “heres the thing” 

-”Hello!” “Hi” *blasts everyone in room with giant laser guns* 

-”What are you? Thor, god of hammers?” 

-IMMIGRANT SONG. 

-”i swear i left him right here” “where? on the street? Or in that nursing home thats being torn down?” 

“I’m not a witch” “Why do you dress like one then?” 

-Loki rolling his eyes when thor is approached by fans. 

-Loki calling stephen strange a shitty sorcerer and going at him with stabby hands. 

-Confirmation of loki’s love of stabbing. 

-Confirmation that Loki is a snake, and also Thor’s favorite snake.

-Loki reciting Thor’s prayer to odin with him mY SON. 

-The avengers parallel. “He’s my brother!” “adopted.” 

-”mbLERG ITS ME” 

-”AGH LOKI!” 

-’DIRECT ME TO WHO’S ASS I HAVE TO KICK” 

-”Where? the devil’s anus?” 

-Bruce fighting evil with fireworks. Good job sweetie. 

-Bruce flopping like a fish on the bifrost. 

-Thor and his sparkles. 

-Lightning eyes. 

-Odin finALLY DYING. THANK GOD. 

-*Loki on a death trip* ‘this is a terrible idea” 

-Loki somehow reciting a spell to bring surtur back. what a weirdo. how did he know that. 

-LOKI COMING BACK. 

-im here. 

-Loki

-Brodinson. 

-Thor and Bruce’s bromance. 

-Jane not being there. I mean it makes sense she dumped him, he left her for two years chasing down infinity stones and constantly almost dying while she had no way of contacting him because Thor’s ass didn’t know how to use fucking email. Also i just really honestly never liked her character to begin with, i mean sure i love that Jane is a strong, smart woman but tbh i just wanted to Fast forward every time she was on screen. 

-The cute death wolf. 

-”THATS HOW IT FEELS!” “sorry i just really like the sport” 

-THOR ACTUALLY BEING PORTRAYED AS LESS OF A JERK WITH CACTUSES SHOVED UP HIS RECTUM AND MORE LIKE THE SWEET, CHARMING, CHARISMATIC AND SLIGHTLY ARROGANT BUT MEANS WELL MAN HE IS. 

-Val being there as a cool as member of the team rather than just the love interest of Thor. Protect her at all cost even though she probs doesn’t even need it. 

-”I’VE BEEN FALLING FOR THIRTY MINUTES” 

-Stan Lee’s cameo as the dude who cut Thor’s hair. Thank you for doing all of us a giant favor. Please do the same to Loki. 

-loki beating someone up with his horn hat. 

-Loki twirling his horn hat. 

-Loki being such a self serving, extra asshole that he came from the fucking fog screaming “YOUR SAVIOR HAS ARRIVED” 

-Bruce asking where tony was and then complaining about his tight crotch pants. 

-LOKI’S COSTUME CHANGE GOD I HATED THE OLD ONES BLESS UP. 

-Loki’s costume being mainly blue, black, and gold :-)))))))

-Loki being 100% done with everything that happens. 

-Val knocking Loki out when he makes her relive her trauma why do people ship this you go honey that was a dick move

-Thor throwing various things at Loki to make sure he’s not a mirage. 

-he’s a friend from work, something a kid from make a wish that met chris suggested, being in the film and all of the trailers. I hope that made that kid smile. 

-”In return, i wish to be granted safe passage through the anus” 

-LOKI FINALLY ACCEPTING THAT HE DIDN’T WANT THE THRONE WITHOUT A FAMILY. THAT HE’D RATHER WATCH HIS BROTHER TAKE IT AND STILL HAVE A BROTHER THAN HAVE A THRONE WITH NO ONE TO SHARE IT WITH. 

-LOKI SHOWING UP ON SCREEN DURING THOR’S CORONATION. 

-Loki being genuinely worried about and double checking if Thor really wants to bring him back to earth after what he did kill me honestly that would probably hurt less. 

-Loki’s face when thor said that going their separate ways was what Loki always wanted bc in reality that is the opposite go back. 

-Hela not being Loki’s daughter because 1) it proves that ya’ll should stop hoping that a comic soap opera about rich petty alien boys with daddy issues would be anything like classic norse mythology, and 2) when the fuck and how the fuck and why the fuck 

-Loki suggesting that he and Thor both rule over Sakaar together lmao ouch. 

-Loki just being really cute and quirky. 

-Thor being so fucking amazed by Val all the time. 

-”You’re late.” 

-”I saw you coming” “course you did.” 

-THE GUNS NAMED DES AND TROY I WANTED TO FUCKING DIE. 

What i didn’t like much; 

-Hela. I loved her character, but honestly here is where i think there might’ve been some failure despite how much i loved that movie. She seemed so out of place as a villain, and i feel like the whole related shit tried to mimic Guardians vol. 2, but honestly the fact that Thor didn’t care much about her made her feel so out of place. But i did like some parts, like how she was so disappointed about not being remembered or what her existence and disappointment did to how loki was raised. 

-Dr. Strange? Ok that was weird. It makes sense and it was funny to see him but to be honest i wasn’t into it. 

-tHE SCENE WITH VAL AND A GIRL BEING CUT. WHYWHYWHY

-tbh was not fond of frost master, don’t hate me. 

-Loki possibly taking the tesseract????? And hinting that he might turn evil again??? don’t do this to me marvel. 

-loki possibly being turned into the quirky sidekick of his brother. Loki is Thor’s equal, not his annoying little brother/wacky sidekick. I didn’t get that vibe often, but sometimes i did honestly. 

-RIP thor’s hammer. 

-ODIN BEING A PIECE OF SHIT YET AGAIN. 

-Hela’s entrance. it was so quick and like out of place i was like what wait, Loki and thor didn’t even have time to prepare or even mourn. 

-the comedy. It was its best and worst part of the movie. Sometimes it was tasteful. Other times it was too much. Thor and Loki didn’t even get to mourn for their dad who tbh was an asshole but still their dad before there was a annoying joke about kneeling. It took away from the story sometimes.

-the lack of hugging between thor and loki.

-The way they glossed over the warriors three’s death like they weren’t Thor’s closest friends and the only ones there for him when Odin tried to banish Thor to earth :-))))) I mean after all that shit he went through I’m pretty fucking sure it probably hasn’t caught up to him but ya bitch still pissed. 

-The way, Thor, who basically admitted that Loki actually meant the world to him and was the only family he had left, didn’t ask where he was after asgard exploded? Like tbh i get it, he trusts Loki, his brothers capable and strong and most of all really fucking smart, but i’d still be like :-) the fuck is Loki. I think this is a directing error though rather than like the characters fucking up but i was freaking out, i mean asgard was literally pebbles and everyone was out BUT my son. 

-No sif, i mean i get it Jaime Alexander was busy but like y'all could’ve explained smh. 

-Loki not getting a hair cut. When will his emo phase end. 

-Not getting that one flashback to 80′s asgard with mullets and emo loki. 

Overall it was pretty fucking cool, one of the best movies of the trilogy. I fell in love with the marvel cinematic universe all over again. But it wasn’t perfect. 

[bookreadalongs]

Flat Out Love (accidental x-post)

21:10 6/25 monday 2018

Finn is clearly dead and Matt is the one texting her. Idk what Celeste’s deal is? Maybe social something?

Maybe she feels responsible for his death? Obviously mom was bugged that “Finn” is communicating to Julie now as well as Celeste. It must hurt her. It also really bothers me that this is third person but reads like it’s first person. We heard Julie’s thoughts and opinions, but it’s third person. It’s just wrong 21:20

Obscured face? Think it’s not Finn? Excessive research for Finn look alike a? 21:21

Aww, Matt. “Celeste always looks nice” 21:23

This is so slow. It’s nice to see it’s building up to something. I just wish there was more tension. More to hold on to and hope for. I just want everything to be as captivating as the hating game was in the beginning. It was good all around tbh. End was weaker than the rest, but still feel good. 21:50

Wow part 2? Wonder what’s breaking the parts up. How they’re categorized. 21:54

Oh. Finn is gay? Maybe he is a real person after all. Maybe he’s trying to not have Julie fall in love with him. 21:59

Does that imply Finn is not gay, but just quoting South Pacific? Also, clearly she will teach Matt about socialization…and probably love. 22:02

Gee he’s the same way about Celeste as Matt is. I realize Matt is just tight lipped about it, which makes sense, but still. See? It’s so him. Also, Matt would fall for her if he’s helping his sister and he sees that patience and compassion every day. 22:14

You’re lucky to have your mom?? 22:15

Wonder if he mom guilted her dad into his trip. 21:17

They’re kind of hold hands. He’s kind of holding her hands, at least, and she’s fine with it. He likes her. She likes Finn. He’s Finn. Bet. 22:23

Ah, yes. “The Finn situation” in which he is out of the picture for he is dead. 22:26

This non-temporary problem…of death. 22:28

Bet he’ll get the time wrong – oh wow already getting caught up with the locations. Don’t think I didn’t notice someone in a wetsuit isn’t extremely identifiable. Wow, Matt is doing a lot. He has to deal with a lot as well as constantly be told he’s not doing enough from his mother. Ouch. Then the dad leaves on purpose? 23:33 womp womp

Not now? You know what? I think Matt just feels uncomfortable expressing his emotion in person. He hides behind this screen to show how much he loves Celeste, and now how much he loves Julie. 22:37

6/26 5:47

Wow Matt is tired after Julie stayed up until 3 talking to Finn? Wild

Obviously Finn was going to consol her. It was cute and cool. Has matt ever done something like that? Go outside even? Maybe before Finn left. Now Matt derailed his mother too. Celeste was confused when the gift came. She started to move on. I wonder if Finn died doing one of his amazing things. 06:19

Wow. Confirmed. Matt made the WOW wood block. Solid confirmation, bro. I wonder if people are meant to find it out there, or at least wonder. If Finn made it and died before she appreciated it…but no. She just never looked to appreciate Matt as much. Middle child syndrome indeed. 06:20

She may be a bit absent, but she knows Matt likes Julie. She’s not a bad mother. She’s just been dealt a hard hand. I appreciate that. I appreciate the author for putting that in. 06:23

This is written fine. She clearly has a strong voice, so I just wish it were presented in first person. 06:26

Oh my gosh. Matt is such a cutie! 06:29 it’s interesting how Finn has become an alter ego. I guess from the beginning you were supposed to understand this was a millennial book…

I hope the author means for us to know by this point. It’s very cut and dry. It’s so funny that Julie goes “it’s almost like Finn is here now, sitting next to me” like, wake up girl. 07:03

OMG HE WAS ABOUT TO ALLUDE THAT HE IS FINN! JULIE WHY YOU GOTTA DO THIS?! These things wouldn’t be as funny or maddening if you didn’t know. This is a fun read. 07:05 I like when you feel smart for just pointing out the obvious

Hmm…“you’re probably better for her than I am” like than he is for Julie? 07:08

Hahah that’s a jab id say. Surreptitious, you’re not. 07:09

If the thought is cash then yes ahaha this is getting better. More fun. More tension is building. 07:11

Wait, what? Did she end up going home? What did she do for Christmas? I love Christmas parts of books! I feel robbed. 07:17

So, is Finn and outlet for all of Matts quandaries? The way lying under a tree is for Juliet 07:21

“He couldn’t be gone forever.” Unless he’s DEAD. 07:23

Matt was drunk alone on New Years too? He’s sad that Julie loves him but not him. 07:32

I can’t believe they both told Celeste to shut up. I’m shook. It’s not even a big deal though? 07:40

This fricken tease of an author. “You kind of already told him.” GIRL! I thought that would lead to a confession! 07:46 it’s funny I’m so amused right now

Roger doesn’t like Celestes outfit? Becoming a mini Julie may not entirely help the not becoming a mini Finn. I hope Celeste does stay quirky. She must. The author already put so much in to establishing that her quirks are good. 07:49

The thing about Julie is that she always thinks she knows best. I hope she realizes she doesn’t at some point. She doesn’t know the whole story. 07:52

Weak you are not. Mannerisms are there. In speech. 07:59

That was so funny! That was meant to be caps. They didn’t kiss. His hands aren’t shit. Omg did he tell her? He loves Julie? Wowowowoowow im shook. So funny! Fun writing! It started slow and a little boring for me. I love this though! 08:12

Oh, look. Julie pushed too hard. It was bound to happen. I like this book. Predictable, but not enough to keep me off my toes. 08:14 sweet balance

“And you don’t like me the way I am” aww no one just likes him for him. Not even Celeste completely…it’s always Finn. Must be hard. Now, all of his dedication and work is coming down for him with celeste and Julie. 08:20 is it possible to be legitimately addicted to reading? I worry a little sometimes. Maybe it’s just being a coward and not wanting to really live in the real world 08:21 interesting and refreshing take on technology’s affect on everyone

He lulled her into a place that didn’t hurt anymore. The dream. Like calming her down in the elevator. The dream. 08:24

Celeste is making breakfast like Julie wanted her to make lunch! 08:29

Oh, before I get? Double major math and English? 08:32

I love her inner monologue and how she somehow convinced herself he thought she was a bad kisser. Relatable. Just ending up far from the beginning with a bad conclusion. 08:33

No family vacation because the whole family wouldn’t be there, right? RIP Finn. 08:45

Lul so she was smelling Matt’s shirt? Is he really the adrenaline junky? But he can’t now because he has to be more responsible? Matt was the only one who would disrupt finns room, I bet. He had to or it would’ve been a shrine. 08:48

Wow. I guess I didn’t realize how it would also be helpful for Matt in a way to have Finn around too. 09:00

Matt already was at MIT at this point, he just went ham after that…? To not be like Finn. Maybe for the sake of them all again. 09:01

This is like Dear Evan Hansen except Evan is the only one who wasn’t lying. He fixes everything for everyone, but at what cost? 09:04 weird and not completely parallel comparison.

Oh my gosh. He was actively involved in the Boston minerals club. Love it. So cute. Love “of course he was” she’s a good narrator. A little perfect, but it’s alright I guess. 10:14

I was like, do they live in Nevada? This whole time I didn’t know? Then I remembered…oh right Boston. 10:25

Wow that’s a solid ending. I like it. I appreciate that we didn’t need to hear that Matt never actually kissed Dana. Now I can see how a world can just be built around a few people, especially if you want to excel in school. I believe this story. Though, it is the weirdest contemporary I’ve read in a while. I love it in a way I didn’t expect to. It’s surprised me. I would say 4.1 probably. I’d read it again for sure, but I’d have to be ready for a slow beginning and hold my breath when Julie is being a little snooty. I love that they tied in the Star Wars thing. It was written pretty well. I feel like if I reread it and understood all of the allusions I’d appreciate it even more. It’s a good story, I think. I want to say 4.5, but then The Hating Game would have to be a 5. Colleen Hoover books are a little forgettable tbh. I know I’ll remember this weird book. It’s so cool that she’s from Ohio and it takes place in Boston. I wanted to read this for years. Before I moved to Boston. I didn’t know. I’m sure when I made my new Goodreads account I knew. I vaguely remember learning that. I’ve wanted to read this for so long. I guess I have to give it 5…no the later half was 5. 4 makes sense. 4 feels good. I would read more from this author though, for sure! 10:32

[tumblunni]

also wtf who designed rune factory 4 this way THIS IS MY ONLY COMPLAINT IN AN AMAZING GAME why are all the romance routes entirely random?? even after youve reached the relationship milestones its COMPLETELY RANDOM whether the event will start every day same for every friendship event and town event and even some plot events you just have to sit there at your bed constantly skipping days for multiple years til the random number god gives you the marriage scene you did EVERYTHING to earn this marriage scene and you have nothing left to do but wait and youll never see any new events with that character until it happens, and you have a very limited amount of dates to go on while youre waiting, and they all do NOTHING except raise the relationship bar over maximum which does nothing. doesnt even increase the chance of the random event?? why even LET me increase it over maximum if it does nothing? thats just tricking me into thinking i havent unlocked the marriage event yet! when I HAVE and i just need to WAIT A BAZILLION YEARS OF RANDOM

anyway i finally got Leon’s random marriage quest and it was Awesome and So Many Tears and now im even more conflicted on who to marry gahhhhh its such a shame you cant resolve everyone’s plot unless you date them, i feel so bad dating all these people when im not able to marry them all, just cos i wanna fix their lives and make them happy but then theyre gon be sad that we didnt get married aaaa

and Leon is especially saddddd

now cos his whole plot is that he had a depressing scenario with a friend as a kid. She loved him but he saw her as just a little sister, and he jokingly promised to marry her once when they were too young to understand. And he didnt know she took it seriously until after he DIED and reincarnated as a fox monster person centuries later too late to do anything about it. And he’s crushed full of guilt that he somehow led her on, and he was never able to apologise, and he’s scared she spent her whole life waiting for him to come back. and then you get this very cool series of sidequests thatre a realistic look at translating languages, and its really motivational how leon is able to help bring knowledge of a dead language back to life and preserve the ancient culture that people thought was lost BUT THEN ENDLESS FUCKIN TRAGEDY kiel accidentally finds an old diary of leon’s friend (WHAT ARE THE ODDS) and he has frickin detailed anxiety attacks unable to even hold the damn paper cos he’s shaking so much and you go on a big treasure hunt to find all the pages and he’s just CRYING SO MUCH mr playboy man! mr flirty asshole! mr stoic! he’s fuckin crying and he cant hold a book without your help and aaaa and his whole story is about how he isnt really the negative stereotypes of a flirty character, he really REALLY values love and he feels depressed he cant love everyone who loves him, so he tries to fake it. And he tries to push people away whenever it seems genuine, but also like... entertain them enough that they dont feel he doesnt love them, i guess? and no matter how promiscuous a person is, they still cant love EVERYONE, you cant just force a relationship on them and say they must be asking for it cos they date other people and enjoy sex. its so depressing that he considers his biggest flaw that he wasnt able to force himself to love someone he didnt, especially when he did care about her, just as a best friend instead! if theyd just talked about it, it would have saved all this heartache for both of them! so then we start piecing together this book and it looks like his worst fears are confirmed, she spent her whole life waiting for him and hating him and its really fucking EXPLODINGLY SAD and then the quest is a bit confusing so i spent several days stuck on this point not knowing who to talk to next, going through random dungeons in case that somehow helped. turned out i did find the right spot but the quest just doesnt progress until you talk to the right person first GAH! stuck for five days on crying leon scene!! NOOOOOO but I finally got past it and CLIMACTIC HAPPY END or bittersweet end more like we find out we mistranslated one bit which was actually PAGE NUMBERS, and we were missing a page all along! and then the final page reveals that she actually moved on and found a new love and had a happy family and grew old together, and her only frustration with leon was imagining that he couldnt find the same thing, worrying that she’d betrayed him. So this wasnt a diary, it was actually a letter she wrote for him to find, having confidence he’d wake up someday and have another chance at happiness! She just wanted him to know that she kept his memory alive and she’s sorry and she was happy and AAAAAAUUUGH im tearing up again the bit that really got me was that we find out that leon’s favourite romance novel was actually written by her. It was so popular it survived into the modern day as a literature classic, and it convinces him that she really was happy with her new boyfriend if she could write something as beautiful as this. And he wants to embody the spirit of the book with you, and keep his new promise to her to have a happy family of his own :) ... AGHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHH why cant i marry everyone why do so many of them have plots where it seems like they wont be happy unless i love them... even now i dont really think the leon pairing is my favourite, i wish i could have had this plot as a friendship route! i think it would have resonated just as much since the whole backstory is about him being friends with someone who had unrequited love for him. i wanna be leon’s bestie and ultimate wingman! I like him a lot but I dont really think i wanna marry him! IM SO SORRY LEON AAAA he’s such a soulful beefcake dammit I’m sure he’d find a bazillion better lovers! I’m sure a lot of players did marry him! WHY DO I FEEL SO GUILTY AAAAA its not fair, aaaa arthur was the first one i dated and i also really care about him but in his case his way of acting in the romance isnt very different to when youre just friends so i dont think i wanna commit to that relationship maybe? it might change when i see his final random event but i dont get much ‘he’ll be happy with you’ vibes, its just strengthening their powerful brotp that they had from the start of the game. he feels like someone protagonist would indeed date, but theyd part again on friendly terms after it didnt work out, and then be amicable exes who still care a lot about each other. and I just feel like I wanna marry dylas even though he’s had the least tragic events so far. gahhhh! he just seems SO HAPPY dating you, and has loads of character development since it started, unlike the other two ive seen the dates for. he feels like he’s actually getting something out of this that he wouldnt if we were just friends? its so hard trying to weigh up the pros and cons of romance options in games when im inacapble of actually being attracted to anyone, its just ‘i care about you all and i wanna give you the best possible ending’. I haaaaate when games have it so that romance is always the best possible ending for every single character and they all suffer forever if you dont pick them :P and I havent even seen the romances with the other three dudes yet! GAHHHHH!! Theyre all the ones I wasnt immediately interested in dating, but that opinion could totally change, i could end up with a six way tie :P ... ALSO RANDOM BUT is anyone else really uncomfortable with the queerbaiting in this game? there is a LOt, a LOT of ‘lol maybe gay’, sometimes so clear that it seems the game is outright canonically stating this character is gay or bisexual yet you have no option to marry them unless youre the opposite sex. It gets REALLY uncomfortable with Dylas, he just,,, does not express any interest in women at all unless the player pursues him. And his mutual crush with doug is CONSTANTLY REFERENCED, and called out very clearly for what it is. IOf the game didnt keep pointing it out i would have been able to shrug it off as just accidental chemistry from a failed rivalry plotline or something, but we have EVERYONE saying ‘oh a lover’s quarrel’ and ‘be honest about your feelings’ and ‘i bet you wanna see doug in a swimsuit’ and ‘gee i really wanna see doug in a swimsuit’ and IT CANT BE ANY MORE CANON THAN THIS. And.. like.. Dylas even says he DOESNT wanna see women in swimsuits, he’s just here at the beach cos Doug might come along. He does not express any interest in women at all except the protagonist! It makes me feel SO uncomfortable! it feels like he’s actually gay, when with most other characters they seem bisexual?? I dunno how to explain it, thats just how it comes off to me. Why is there no option for him and doug to date, why cant i date him as the male protagonist?? His romance route is so totally gender neutral, i did the postgame protagonist swap cheat and it just feels more in-character for him this way. if im gonna steal him away from Doug i dont want it to be a weird gay conversion therapy type thing, it just feels so WEIRD. The one and ONLY stated crush he has on another character, and its gay, and theres NO OPTION FOR IT TO HAPPEN and then he suddenly becomes 100% straight and never talks about doug again if a fem protagonist dates him. SO WEEEEEIRD... I’m just gonna sit here on the non-canon bonus feature dylas x male protag train and never leave. If you cant have doug you shall have the transitioned me! Its funny cos he’s like the only batchelor i very vehemently cannot ship with fem protag, yet do with male protag :P but GAHHH leon deserves a family and i could give him a child and aaaaa SO HARD TO CHOOSE also i am sad that the postgame cheatmode lets you switch to any character but if its not one of the two protags its only your overworld model and not your face portraits. Its weird because every batchelor and batchelorette has the exact same full set of emotions and costumes, so why cant i access that?? its also a shame cos it means i cant roleplay my doug and dylas marriage properly :P CMON MAN WHY U EVEN TELL ME THEY IN LOVE IF THEY CANT BE IN LOVE :P they have the best portmanteau ship name too! douglas! :P

[somethingineedtodo-blog]

About me?

My name is *E* I’m a 20 year old male and this is my very first time here on Tumblr, this is also my first time online in almost a year*

I would currently describe myself as a very quiet, reserved, intellectual yet very insecure guy.

My interests are music (drums and piano), languages, photography, singing, psicologhy/human behaviour and helping as much as I can to other people.

Well, I’ll keep it super brief, but this is an overall resume of my life starting at 8 years. 

8-10 Years. 

- First of all let me start saying that I do not live in the prettiest place of the world, there are lot of gangs and is a common occurrence to get mugged, beat up, threatened or even killed. -

Due to the nature of the place i was brought into the world and other things, my parents were always very dire with me for me to do excellent in school from the very beggining. 

My father comes from a bad place-family, he ran away from his home at age 10, didn’t even finished elementary school but yet he managed to learn a decent job (he is a mechanic), he is a class A- worker, an old fashioned man. 

I have nothing but the outmost respect for him for what he has accomplished with the very few tools that he has... but that’s it. 

My mother on the other hand comes from a decent family, yet she didn’t finished elementary too, she has had a lot of “jobs” during her life, nothing serious.

Despite their excessive pressure i managed to always be on top of every class, i was super participative in all the school activities, yet didn’t had any friends, sometimes i felt like a robot, but a very intelligent and cool robot.

Even at that short age i remember constantly spacing out and getting lost in my head for a lot of timel, having a lot of thoughts and questions about life, existence and things that i believe right now are were not a common thing at that age. The things that i remember asking myself the most at that age are: “Is being good at school really going to guarantee me a succesful life?” ”what does“succesfull” mean? does it mean having a good house, car, material possesions or does it mean being happy with myself while at the same thime contributing something positive to those around me?  “are succesful and happy two different things?” “what if im not happy?”  “how do i know if im really happy?” I remember in vivid detail watching other kids playing football and then out of nowhere they started to fight while i was just... away, away in a corner just observing. 

I had two things “clear” in my mind. 

I had to be good at school and nothing else, i couldn’t afford to lose focus on some other thing because i would get in trouble with my parents. 

The place were i was living wasn’t a place for someone like me, I didn’t wanted to do “bad” stuff nor having to do with those things in the slightest way (As a result of this i pretty much stoped talking with everyone in the area and that got me into a lot of troubles even back then, constant threats, stealing my money, bullying, etc etc, but i didn’t even minded it, it felt somehow natural and i developed this state of insensibility and numbness toward those psicological abuses and the people (15-20yr old guys) that were doing it)

And then it was my house...  Things were not okay at my house.  My dad despite being an awesome worker and always providing what he could to the house... he was an alcoholic and abused my mother physically and verbally all the time in front of me, my mother on the other hand was just “numb” and didn’t even cared, she only cared about serving him and doing good in her “job”.  One of the “fondest” memories that i have of my “family” was in one christmas...  They were arguing... badly.  My father was drunk an started yelling while my mother was just preparing the dinner... and i was just watching them... not knowing what to do... nor understanding what was exactly happening because from my perspective they had nothing to be figthing for...  Thats when i turned on the Tv and the first thing i saw was the “Tom And Jerry” show... i looked up again to my parents and i don’t know why but i found  such a resemblance in how how “Tom and Jerry” and my parents were acting...

I just thought to myself...  “Tom and Jerry hate each other right? So that means my parents must hate each other?”  And i toldto my parents with a cold dead face but with tears in my eyes...  “Why are you even married...?  Went to my room... and cried my way to sleep... at age 9.  The days passed and nothing changed drastically... 

My parents noticed that i didn’t go out and that i was turning into a (in their words) “very weird and lonely kid” so they decided to buy me a PS1 for me to do something else besides just studying and “mumbling, humming, and hitting things with my hands making senseless noise”.  I played for quite a bit and loved it... not because i liked video games in particular but because it was a chance for me to develop my hand-eye cordination and to learn another language (Yes, english is not my primary language, in fact i learned everything i know through video games and music, i have never had a formal -english ed in my city is a joke- or decent class, but i plan to enter one in this year”) I played with that thing hoping to be able to understand everything that was on the screen, understand the music, and be able to hit things as fas and precise as i could (rithym and figthing games).  It served me as an escape from the arguments and the screaming of my parents too, another thing that i remember quite vivid is my father and his cop friends being drunk and shooting some guns (that are supposedly for cop use only)... he was too drunk that he ordered me to shoot the gun, i couldn’t say no despite knowing that was such a dumb and clearly dangerous thing to do. I did, but i was so upset that i called another cops, he found out and well... throwed me a cup at my head and ever since... he and I... well our relationship since that day is complicated to almost inexistent (I’ll elaborate more on that later...). 10-15 Years. Despite both of my parents losing their jobs and us as a “family” starting a “family business” -food truck at a flea market- and me having to work almost everyday i managed not only to be the best of my school but also securing a place in the middle school of my choice due to my grades... but most importantly me asking directly to school principal.  I felt very happy with this achievement in my life... seemed like i was finally going to escape from various things such as bullies, drugs and such and i WAS FINALLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO TALK WITH SOMEBODY ELSE, to have “friends”, to go out and play and not feel like a total weirdo because of the constant words of my father.  Talking about him... he and i drifted away completely... as i grew older and started to voice my opinions a lot more he was more and more convinced and expresed that i was (and I quote) “Not like him,and not his son at all”.  What kind of opinions am i talking about? “It’s okay for people to be homosexual, a certain preference (that does not even affect us directly) should not affect how we see or think about those who surround us, being homosexual does not imply that you are a bad or a “distasteful” person... i think that kind of judgments are far beyond race, color, sexual preferences, likes, dislikes, etc.  It’s your actions and the way you affect society what determines if you are a “bad” person.  This lead my dad to think that i was starting to (in his words...) “transform” into an individual with sexual preferences towards guys, so he immediatly started to talk to me about sex... in such an uninformative and rather rude way... objectyifing women almost all the time and using words like “fuck” or “cunt”. (On a side note, my father is not religious at all, so his (quiet obvious if i must say so...) hate for homosexual people has nothing to do with religion at all... he really hates gay people, he calls them by such horrible and disrespectful names sometimes...wich bring us to the other opinion...  “I dont really see what’s the point on being excessively rude with words, I don’t see what’s the point on cursing so much, wouldn’t be better if we could talk and express our thoughts without the use of such pointless words? wouldn’t we sound better?”  This led my father to believe that i was giving him orders.  And as a result it deteriored our relationship even more.  And then... the final straw.  I started to voice my opinions on how he treated my mother and women overall. I was starting to defending her if you like.  He obviously didn’t liked that and this lead us to so many arguments and fights where the phrases “What the fuck do you know about life” “What the fuck do you know about women” “You don’t know anything you don’t even have any friends, you don’t even have anyone to talk to” were pretty common.  Despite all this i loved him and i was hoping he someday would start to change, not even for me or for my mother... but for himself.  His words obviously hurted me so bad everyday, i cried... a lot.  And crying for him was a weakness and he didn’t hesitated to say it whenever he saw me crying over one of our figths. Our allegattions got to a point were i didn’t even tried to say a word... i just was listening to his words and i didn’t even cared... thus i stoped talking with him.  There’s where my mother started to genuinly worry about me, because i always looked so tired and beatdown, she started to talk to me a lot more and whenever i returned from school she always asked me “how my day was”... i don’t know if it was too late or what... but it felt werid, like it was forced or something, so i just said the strictly neccesary. I started middle school and things were different for a change...  The whole zone was different, there were guards, there was order and “peace”, also the guys and girls over there seemed different... like they had interests and did some other “cool and interesting things” like sports, playing an instrument or things like that.  I loved that.  And for once in my life i felt quite at peace, but i couldn’t talk with anyone.  I didn’t knew how to do it, i felt anxious all the time and i had nothing in my head... “just do good in school” “you are returning to your home regardless...”. Fortunaly for me there was just one guy and one girl that were somehow able to go trough the mix of my insecurity and me not talking at all... i don’t know what they saw on me or what lead them to talk to me... one ended up being my 1st girlfriend (trough 12-14) (i don’t talk with her anymore due to how things happened...) and the guy as of today remains my best friend. That girl was very special for me... She was my introduction to so many new things. Trust, actively talking with somebody, a lot of new stuff (music, sports, knowledge etc) that i was totally ignorant of, sex and of course “love”. I GOT TO OPEN A VERY BIG PARENTHESES HERE. (Yes, i know that those things might seem totally rushed for a 12 year old child, and yes, i do agree, in fact if i could i would do things totally different, but i think i did things like i did because i didn’t had a good guidance, i didn’t had good advice per say, i didn’t even knew how to act or what to say... i just kinda went with the moment with the best of my judgment and the logic that i had, do i regret it? maybe some things, but others taught me valuable lessons at such a young age. Do i think it is right for a 12 year old to get introduced in such things as sex, “LOVE” (*big laugh*) or such complex topics as those? Absolutely not, i wouldn’t want my kids to experience those things.  Now i know that i might sound super ridiculous talking this way about my 12 year old self, maybe i didn’t word things like i do now back then, but the feeling remains the same.  So yeah.... back on.  This girl and i developed a quite unusual relationship, mainly because we understood each other so well (his dad died because of alcohol poisoning and her mom was the only family she had) so as soon as i heard her story i could relate, i had this feeling that i should protect her, i didn’t quite knew why, i just felt it, and so we became “very close friends”. The time moved on and she helped me to get out of my shell, to start talking with more friends, we spent so much time together alone doing homework or listening to music just laying in the floor in her house, because her mother was working and my parents thought that i was with my other friend (wich they got to know, but as of this date they don’t know a thing about this girl) The things in my house were just falling apart, to the point were i made up excuses like “i have to do extra homework” in order to be as little as possible in my house and more around my friends and her.  Despite all this i still maintaned excellent grades and i was still very participative in extra curricular things in my school such as poetry, music and such, but it was around 12-13 were something started to feel weird, i started to gradually lose interest in school and started doing it “just because i would get into serious trouble with my parents if i didn’t deliver them good grades” and that feeling was growing stronger and stronger, to the point that i was in a bad mood all the time, i once again stoped talking with everyone except this girl.  This thing got into my head so bad  that i yelled at my biology teacher (wich was my favorite assignment) one day without any apparent reason and started crying desperatly in his arms as he was trying to comprehend why i was acting like that all of the sudden... he asked me “Are things in your house ok?” And i just didn’t respond.  That day something snapped in my mind. I’m not quite sure what, but ever since that day all i can think about is how the things that surround us, everything and everyone, all the words, all the actions, all that we see and hear, from music to tv, everything that we are exposed to... how those things have such a big repercussion in how we act and feel and mostly who we end up being in life.  Time passed and to sum things up... i got my heart broken.  The girl ended up being with somebody else (i don’t like the word “cheating”) And end of story.  This is where i found out that i could be very extremist with people that let me down, to the point were i just... pretend that they are dead and that’s it, nothing more, nothing less, i end up denying any kind of relation-story and existence of people that have let me down, in fact, this is the first time that i talked about her “in depth”, with other times just being a “yes i had a gf before...” “Yes, i’m not a virgin” “Yes we were such good friends” and the “tragic story about how all ended”, to my friend and inevitably to my next Gf.  It does take a lot to let me down though, i don’t tend to hate on anyone, i like to respect everyone as much as i can, all their ideals, their decisions, preferences and such, but when somebody hurts someone without any reason... without even saying a word, without even caring about how much it could affect somebodys life... i just lose it, those type of people are not worthy of being called “humans” because humans are not supposed to be like that, not even animals are like that.  This obviously added up to the issues in my house into my head, made me feel not wanted or not worthy at all, without even an explanation of what i had done wrong or anything like that, it was painful, yes it was, but at the same time the thought of “this was your first time, this was just your first love, it was obviously not going to work out” remained in my head... the thing is... i do know that things are not supposed to work out the first time... but it wasn’t the fact that didn’t work out what messed me up, it was the “how” things ended up not working out what really affected me.  Either way, it cost me a lot to got over that but thanks to a couple of friends and a new hobby i got introduced to thanks to one of them (drums) i could do it.  Fast forward to the end of the second year of middle school and there i was..  Still being the best in the school, but without any kind of fullfilment or sense of actual pride for it, not even doing it for the sake of “learning” or enjoying it.  -Even though it never got clinically confirmed or anything like that at that time (mainly because my parents never had interest in therapy/dental care plus we couldn’t quite afford it at the time)  i think i have been suffering from severe depression from that point up until this day (were i can now say that yes, i’m seeing a neuropsycologist and im under treatment)- Thing’s got way worse when i broke my wrist one day playing football outside in the flea market where my parents and i went to work on the weekends, i took that day “off” and started to play football with some random strangers in an open field, i fell off and landed badly and broke my left wrist... i quickly went back to the food truck with my parents expecting to leave as soon as possible because my “S” shaped wrist... But no, they told me that i had to wait 2+ hours until they finished some stuff... and yes... i waited there, in pain and trying not to scream my lunges out.  All that was going trough my head was “I’m not going to be able to practice the drums ever again”.  But then a random thought poped in my mind, it made me very angry and turned all my pain into straight up burning anger and discomfort and yet again numbness and it goes like this...  “WHY AM I WAITING TO RECEIVE ATTENTION FROM MY PARENTS FOR A BROKEN WRIST, IS IT REALLY MORE IMPORTANT FOR THEM TO WAIT?  SHOULDN’T I BE THEIR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY AT LEAST NOW?  2+ passed until i was finally receiving some medical attention, the rest is history, that injury rendered me useless from practicing guitar (it’s not that i can’t play it, but it hurts a LOT) and i stoped playing drums due to a mental block that i self imposed in my brain. I felt so bad that whole year i was in a cast, that was my first birthday that i didn’t feel like celebrating, in fact that was the start of me feeling certain aversion or repulsion towards my birthday, i spent that day alone, just listening to music all day and laying in my bed.  15... That age marks the age that i had my first beer. Why?  I don’t know.  I certainly didn’t do it because i was feeling ok.  Like i previously said... my dad was an alcoholic, i’ve seen how it can change somebody so quickly, making them senseless pieces of meat or straight up useless sacks of organs.  So let’s just say that i’ve always had a certain depiction of alcohol in my brain since i was a little kid... it’s bad and there’s nothing benefitial about it... sure it can help you to socialize with certain kind of people but yeah... it’s not my thing, i even used to call beer “the devil’s piss” when i was a little kid... So how on earth that very fabric of myself got broken that day?  Easy.  I wasn’t feeling alright, i felt like i wanted to cease to exist or just go to sleep and never wake up again.  Even my friends (who were super cool about me not wanting to drink a drop) acted very surprised when i just grabbed a 40 and chugged it all without even hesitating.  All of them asked almost at the same time... are you ok?  I just responded yeah, i just wanted to know what is it about it that you like it so much,nothing else.  One of my best friends (who knew just a fraction of the things that were happening at my house and how i felt overall just looked me in the eye and prounonced a sentence that i think i will never forget: We both now why you are drinking... and it’s not the way.) I just kept drinking.  And so i started (without knowing) to be an alcoholic at the age of 15.  I was known for being a “tank” a term i think is associated with how fast can you drink or something, i don’t know.  But something very weird happened, i never got a hangover, i never passed out, i never even went to bed, i just remained silent watching everyone sleep and once again getting lost in my thoughts, istarted to have problems with my sleep schedule some days only sleeping 2 hours, and i was not longer spacing out... i was straight up “blacking out” (having episodes or lapses of time were you don’t remember what you were doing or saying)and i started to have delusions of somebody following me, started to talk with myself as if i was another person and overall just drifting away slowly.  15-20 years. ************************************************* It’s been 4-5 hours since i started writing this stuff.  It’s exhausting to say the least. I’ll cover up this time-span some other day...  It’s the roughest i think, especially last year. If someone actually reads this... thanks for your time, if you want to say something feel free to do it, whatever it is.   Do know that I’m in a “not so bad” place right now.  I’m still dealing with some old and some pretty new stuff (that is actually the reason why im creating this thing in the first place...) but the point of all this is for me to get to know me a little better, re-learn from myself and my mistakes and hopefully improve with my life from now on, i certainly don’t want to feel like i’m feeling right now forever.  And if i feel this is “something i need to do ™” (hahah) to make me feel better, then so be it...  I’ll do anything to feel happy for once.  But as of right now I’ll go to sleep.  ...Aequam memento rebus in arduis servare mentem...