#I am ok with reblogs I kind of want reblogs because I dont want to put this in tags but obviously nobodys obligated.

[robocops-a-christ-allegory]

Peacemaker in Blue Beetle 2006 is Christopher Smith, a PSA

So theres this really common misconception that the Peacemaker that mentored Jaime Reyes in Blue Beetle 2006 is Mitchell Black or some other Peacemaker, basically anyone but Chris, and its a misconception that can only survive if you havent actually read the first half of the run all the way through. However its also common enough to really bother me and since Jaime might be about to get a lot of new fans who may not read his comics I feel the need to make this post collecting evidence. So heres the "Peacemaker in Blue Beetle 2006 is definitely Chris" post.

Going under a read more because this is kind of long because Im gonna talk too much, but if you dont want to read it you WILL just get the gist by just looking at the screenshots included.

Also its Peacemaker so CW for nazi imagery/depiction of nazis in some of these screenshots and mention of nazis, also depiction of someone about to commit suicide by firearm, also mentions of ableism

So this misconception comes from the fact that in early Blue Beetle 2006 Peacemaker tells Jaime and his family that hes Mitchell Black, the third Peacemaker:

This is lampshaded immediately as probably being a fake name just because of how Fake It Sounds (though ironically it is Mitchell's actual legal name, poor guy), and Peacemaker's response to Brenda asking if its his real name is "Its what I told you."

By issue 13 we have Peacemaker being called Smith-Peacemaker by the Negotiator.

By issue 20, which is also the issue that heavily focuses on Peacemaker and goes into his backstory, Chris is referred to by his full name by the Reach.

Chris's backstory in issue 20 is his backstory. This is fully Christopher Smith specific. You cannot apply any of this to the other two Peacemaker's that existed at this time.

So yeah, its definitely him, but Im gonna also really quick go into "so why did he tell everyone he was Mitchell Black?" because I really like talking about Peacemaker.

Basically Peacemaker playing things close to his chest and also straight up lying sometimes is actually a really consistent character trait for him, both in Blue Beetle 2006 and also before that

As for why hes lying its probably because he doesnt want anyone to realize hes still alive, since the chances are high he'd be arrested and either put back in prison, back with Checkmate, or straight up assassinated. He probably started using Mitchell's name because that way he can keep doing Peacemaker stuff. The guy also pretty much didnt have any real freedom until Blue Beetle, constantly being monitored by the government/Checkmate and constantly being under threat of either being forced to fight or forced institutionalization.

In summary Blue Beetle Peacemaker is Chris. Please stop saying hes not Chris. Its so good for both him and Jaime for that to be him and everytime someone says its not him I start crying really loud.

Bonus screenshot of Jaime referring to Chris by his last name because it didnt fit into this but I got it up and its cute. Thank you

[bbyquokka]

The nail painting writing for Jisung was sooo cute! I can also imagine straddling him while practicing an eyeshadow look on him and he cant stop leaning in for a kiss and taking his hands off you 🫠

make-up with an added extra touch.

SUGGESTIVE THEME BELOW CUT – MINORS, AGELESS & DEFAULT BLOGS; DNI

warnings: gn reader, established relationship, implied mua reader, suggestive content, pet names words: 0.6k ~ (662)

dont repost. dont translate. feedback and reblogs are highly advised and appreciated!

“i need a model.” jisung looks up at you, chopsticks half in, half out of his mouth. his cheeks filled with rice and meat as a grain happily sits on his upper lip.

“ok. if it's for clothing then i could phone up hyunjin or felix for you?”

“it's for make-up.” you giggle as jisung swallows his food.

“make-up?”

“mhm. i have an idea for a look. i need to create a new look for work and i need to practise on someone.”

“why me?” jisung asks as he puts his chopsticks down. you lean down, swiping the single rice grain away from his lips. a soft blush appears on his cheeks as the tips of his ears turn red.

“because you're beautiful and pretty and adorable. plus you're my boyfriend and i love you so very very much.” jisung stutters, the pink tint being replaced with red. he shuffles in his seat, a soft pout on his lips.

“f-fine. but only because i love you ok!”

“thank you, ji!!” you squeal before grabbing his hand, dragging him up from his seat and to the bedroom. he laughs as you sit him down on the bed before grabbing your make-up.

“what colours are you thinking of baby?” jisung watches you fish around your make-up for various and vibrant colours along with some mascara and tools.

“well, my boss asked me for something vibrant. kind of like rave slash party make-up soo–” you suddenly straddle jisung's lap to which he raises his eyebrow at and smirks a little. “i was thinking some pinks, bit of purple. add in some coloured eyeliner and mascara.”

“sounds great baby.” you beam at him before applying the make-up to his eyelids. you pat primer on his eyelids before loading a brush up with some neon pink. dragging the brush across his lids, jisung places his hands on your sides, gently and slowly caressing your skin.

you shiver, goosebumps rising to the surface of your skin as his soft and warm fingertips dance on your skin. he lightly tickles up your sides before going back down repeating the process.

you let out an involuntary hum causing jisung to smirk and open his one eye that you're not working on.

“before you say anything, shut up.” you mumble. jisung laughs before leaning in and kissing your lips softly and unexpectedly. you kiss him back before moving on the other eye, repeating the same motion as the first.

jisung's hands travel down to your ass, his palms cupping your cheeks. you swallow thickly as he squeezes and plays with your cheeks.

“you're making me lose focus.” you mumble against jisung's lips. he lets out a simple hum as he pushes you closer to him. your chests bump together, lips moving together in a heated and slow kiss. you drop the brush on the bedsheets, arms wrapping around his neck and fingers tangling in his soft hair.

“you don't seem to mind.” he grunts as you gently bite down on his bottom lip. his hands trail from your ass, up and under your t-shirt to your chest. you let out a small gasp as he plays with your chest, fingers brushing and teasing you.

“fuck.” you breathly moan out, tugging at the strands of his hair. he groans softly before lowering you down on the sheets, his body towering above you.

his lips attack the skin of your neck, teeth gently nipping and sinking into the flesh. you comb your fingers through his hair slowly, hips bucking up to meet his as you loosely wrap your legs around his waist.

“i have to finish off the make-up.” you moan softly.

“that can wait. right now, i want you so badly yn.”

note: anon, i love this and thank you for thinking that! i am in deep with my jisung thoughts rn. the comeback has made me even more delulu for him rn ngl. this thought is so cute!! tell me what you think and enjoy!

tags (open): @sstarryoong ; @myprwttyhan ; @fairylouist ; @septicrebel ; @bbujiikseu ; @cixrosie ; @alyszaen ; @writerracha ; @hyunluvxo ; @aestheticsluut ; @xcookiemonsteer

[akq96618]

[ 💜💛🖤❤🤍💙]

+

(this is just my rambles , pls scroll if u dont want to read jdakjsa ;-;)

ok i'm not good at it, but i'll try to be more serious.

King Ohger is my first sentai after about…10? 11? years since i watch toku as a kid (for sentai, i used to watch shinkenger and power rangers dino force). I start to watch toku again last year because of KR Den-O, simply just bcs i want to rewatch one of my fav childhood tv program. And i cried a lot, not just because of den-o's story but also I remember that I still love toku as much as little me back then

after finished den-o, i crave for more toku to watch, then my older sister told me there's this super sentai that all of the sentai is leaders/kings ((SHE HAVEN'T WATCH KINGOH UNTIL THIS VERY DAY DESPITE BEING ONE OF MY REASON TO WATCH KINGOH, I HATE HER////jk i love u sis)). I didn't watch kingoh while it's ongoing, i binge watch it from ep 1 while it's around eps 20-25. And i regret nothing, i feel a lot of emotions, be it's the good one or even the bad one. I laugh and I cry. I didn't live for 2000 years like jeramie, but i relate to him about dealing with grief and keep everything to yourself bcs you don't want others to worry about you. And the happiness of finally found someone you can rely on, someone that won't say anything but will pat your shoulder and reminds you that they will be on your side no matter what.

I learn a lot of thing from other king too, i learn to be kind from gira and himeno, i learn that it's okay to not care about what people say and be myself the way i am from rita, i learn to stands for what's wrong and didn't back down like yanma, and kaguragi uhm…* shake hands with kagu * yes ur my buddy bro (i swear i have one thing i relate to kagu, i just don't want to tell what it is-)

people can call it 'childish show' (my friend said that when i tell them abt kingoh and kr ;-; that's why i stopped telling abt toku to others and just keep my excitement to myself) and they're still right, but still, kingoh is special to me.

I was ready to be alone on this (I always be), i draw fanarts because i want and i like them so much, and didn't expect at all that i'll found other people that excited about the same thing like me. thank you to everyone who liked, reblog, comment, send asks, i can't always answer everything, but pls know that i appreciate every single of you,

artist, writers, gif maker, friends, everyone.

one day will come the day that my interest maybe will fade away. Until that day come, I'll enjoy my time here and drawing what i want. (((actually this applied to my other fandom too ;-;))))

for you who read this so far, thank u again <3

+ pls have this happy spiders, they're my favorites from all of the finale moments ;-;

[michelleleewise]

Forget Me Not...

Pairing: Loki x reader

Warnings: mentions of injury, mentions of memory loss, depression, hurt, crying, anger, exhaustion, hallucinations, illness, all the angst, no happy ending in site......

Summary: Loki reads your letter, and is determined to find a way to get his memory back.

*I just want to say thank you to everyone who has read, commented and reblogged!! This has really become its own thing at this point and it means alot to me that you guys like it!!! This isn't the end......

Part two- Part three-

====================================

Loki sat on the bed, running his hand through his hair, sighing as he opened the envelope, hoping something would spark some memory...

My Dearest Loki,

I hope this letter finds you well. I wanted you to know I didn't leave because of you, this was not your fault, so please don't blame yourself. The time we had together was the best of my life. You gave me something no one else ever had, love. No one before you could compare to you, and there could never be anyone for me after you. My heart will never be capable of loving another, I will forever be yours. Whatever happens, please know I will always be thinking of you, but I could not stay. The pain was too much to bear. I hope life gives you everything you've ever wanted, you deserve all of the love and kindness you think you are unworthy of. In the year that I got to share with you, I saw a side of you I believe not many, if any have seen. And I am honored to have been the one that you loved, that you trusted with your heart. I know life hasn't been kind to you, but it made you the beautiful person you are, never forget how simply amazing you are my love. Never let this world dim your light. And know, through everything you endure, and all the hardships you may face, I am with you, heart and soul. You have my heart, and you always will, forever.

All my love, always- y/n 💚

Loki sat, reading the letter over and over as he felt tears stream down his cheek. A year, he and been with you a year before the accident and he remembered none of it. He pulled the ring out, looking at it as the light reflected off of it. "How can I not remember you y/n?" He said to himself as he closed the box, setting it on the nightstand.

He wiped his face, getting up and heading to the kitchen, he needed something to help calm him. He sat the kettle on the stove, seeing Thor walk in "Brother. Could you not sleep?" Thor asked sitting down. "No, too much on my mind. You?" He asked "I as well, I just.....i wish things had been different." Thor said looking down. "Thor, i know you have told me before, but y/n and I, I was prepared to propose?" Loki aaked grabbing the tea bags "Yes Loki, you had been dating y/n for almost a year, you had just asked her to move in with you when...." he said training off.

"The accident." Loki finished leaning on the counter. "I am sorry brother, this is all my fault." Thor said running his hand through his hair. "From what i am told, it was an accident, a miscalculation." Loki said furrowing his eyebrows. "That may be, but if I hadn't.." he said looking at Loki, tears in his eyes "Thor, you are not to blame. I just.....how can I forget someone I care for so much?" Loki asked as tears formed in his eyes. Thor got up, walking around the counter standing in front of Loki "Don't stab me ok?" He said as Loki huffed a laugh and Thor pulled him into a hug.

Loki returned the hug as tears streamed down his cheeks "what am I going to do?" He asked as Thor released him. "I am not sure. It has been almost six months, and your memory has yet to return. I dont know if there is anything we can do." Thor said leaning on the counter. "I have been having dreams of her, memories I am sure of it now. They are trying to push through, but when I wake, they are gone." Loki said as the kettle screamed.

He stood sipping his tea "What of the witch, Wanda, can she not enter my mind?" Loki asked Thor. "I believe so but I don't think she likes doing it." He said looking at Loki. "I will speak to her tomorrow, I have to find a way Thor, and she may be my only hope" he said, setting his cup in the sink. "Then I shall go with you, I want to help anyway I can." Thor said as Loki nodded. He had a plan, he just hoped it wasn't too late.

You laid in bed, waking from another dream as you stared at the ceiling, tears streaming across your face. This time, your brain assaulted you with dreams of you and Loki..

"Do you know how much I love you y/n?" Loki asked, your limbs tangled together.

"Mmm, I think I may have an idea." You said smiling.

"Then you would be wrong my love." He smiled "I love you as the moon loves the stars. As the flowers love the sun. I have traveled through life, merely existing until I met you. Your smile, your laugh, your kind heart have all ignited my soul. I need you as I need air. Without you, I'm afraid my heart would stop and I would cease to exist." He said, gazing into your eyes, cupping your cheek.

You put your hand over your mouth, muffling your sobs as the tears continued. If this was life without Loki, you didn't want it. A world without him was one you didn't want to be in. But some small, tiny spot in your heart held hope. Hope that one day he would remember. One day he would come back to you. But would it be too late? He was already living with Melissa, what if he married her, started a family with her? What if he never remembered?

You sighed, getting up going to the bathroom you washed your face. Looking in the mirror you didn't recognize the person looking back at you. There was no joy in your face anymore. Dark circles prominent under your sunken eyes that didn't seem to sparkle anymore. Your hair a mess, and you were pretty sure you had lost weight as your clothes didn't fit as they used to. You decided maybe a walk would help.

You got dressed, slipping your shoes on you headed out. You trekked across the island as the sun came up. "I probably should have packed some water." You thought to yourself as you made it to the top of a cliff. Sitting down watching the sun rise in the sky. You looked out onto the vast ocean, you were truly alone. You felt the sweat rolling down your face as you felt a little dizzy. You got up, deciding to head back, standing you saw spots in your vision.

You sank back down to your knees, closing your eyes. "I just need to make it back, I'll be fine." You breathed, opening your eyes, you saw someone standing a few yards away "who.....whose there?" You asked shakily as they walked closer. "Love, you need to go back." You heard, shaking your head, you knew that voice. "L...loki? Is that you?" You asked rubbing your eyes, but your vision was still blurry. "I need you to go back, please." He said again as you swayed back and forth. "Ok, I've lost my mind." You sighed looking down.

You looked up again, seeing you were alone. "Loki! Are you there!?" You called out, getting no response as tears welled in your eyes. You laid down in the grass, looking out to the ocean. "I love you Loki." You whispered, closing your eyes as the darkness finally overtook you.

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

@vbecker10 @lokiprompts @lokisninerealms @lulubelle814 @commanding-officer @juulle987 @xorpsbane @immersed-in-mischief @stupidthoughtsinwriting @midnights-ramblings @ijuststareatstuffhereok89 @lokislittleprincess @d1a2n389 @lokisprettygirl22 @your-taste-on-my-lips @buttercupbestie @daggers-and-mischief @lucylaufeyson3 @12-pm-510 @geekwritersworld @freshprincessofpain @evansabove1981 @lonadane @azurethebts @nixymarvelkins @curiousdumbass101 @lokidbadguy

[illusioncanthurtme]

What exactly is your version on dib like? I mean, we all know that he’s a creep and a weirdo, but what’s his story? (Also I absolutely love your work, you’re super talented)

SO glad you asked.

In all seriousness, I don't have any set story for him. He's just dib, but in his early 20s. The main difference between him and young dib (besides appearance obviously) is that he's had some emotional development. Keyword: some. People like to use the word maladjusted when talking about dib, and that does apply to my interpretation. He doesnt get out much, and he has some unhealthy behaviors (ahem obsession ahem) But he HAS emotionally matured since being a kid. He's a bit nicer, and he's gotten used to some of the mistreatment/bitterness, and shrugs it off with a smile.

As for a "story," I just like to imagine him in circumstances with the other characters, and ill focus on whatever I find funny or interesting. It's all for fun, I like to Doodle random plots in my head, but I'm not going to do or make anything with them. But here's where my thoughts tend to land most of the time:

He HAS moved out of his dad's place. I initially had him still at home, (because I still live at home, and I tend to project onto characters), but after giving it some thought, I realized that dib with his own place was maybe more believable. I don't think he'd want to be in his dad's shadow. This way he can do his parascience in peace and spread out. SO he lives in a downtown apartment. Gaz is his upstairs neighbor! (this way they still live together, but also not really. They kind of have roomate vibes. They see each other a lot) it is a very small apartment, the kind with a kitchen area, a bathroom, and one room for your living space/bed.

(Random idea I'm toying with that kind of doesn't make sense but also?? Whatever: SOMEHOW- dib built a secret basement under the apartment complex, and you access it by entering a code into the elevator buttons. It's his lab. DONT FUCKING ASK how he managed to DIG A BASEMENT - because I don't fucking know. But with how stupid people are in iz, I'm sure he figured out a way to be discreet or fool people??? Thats where hes got taks ship. He painted it blue)

Uhhhh what else...

I like to imagine 2 potential scenarios, and in both, zim had gone missing for a decade. In one, he comes back. In the other, dib sets out to find him. There is another part to that I'm gonna leave out, because I want to draw something and show you that way. Hopefully I'll draw that soon.

Ok, enough rambling now. If I have more thoughts to add on, maybe I'll reblog and add them.

But THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!!!! I was so pleasantly surprised to see this. I wasn't expecting to have an opportunity to ramble and I am super thankful, and honestly flattered that you'd be interested :')💞 (and thank you so much!! 🥺)

[jennilah]

i woke up and chose violence today

rant below!! an actual soapbox rant about some shit that annoys tf out of me

but still under a cut and unrebloggable bc im still a coward just an annoyed coward

"_ fandom is dead"

"the tumblr/twitter fandom is dead"

"any variation of a fandom being dead"

Im about to be under your bed

Is it really dead?

well considering im still following some moots of over 10+ years that still regularly reblog new art and fics for fandoms Ive seen called "dead" many times in the past, fandoms that havent had new content in years, it's probably not

also, the older the fandom, consider how much more ridiculous your claim is. if the media is from fucking 20 years ago and still getting art and fic in any capacity, I dont wanna hear shit about shit being "dead" because there was a slow month of content on tumblr.com

What is really happening?

well if its for an ongoing fandom and there's a noticeable slow period, ask yourself... are we in-between episodes? in-between movies? in-between games? the fandom is not dead, sheesh. everything naturally slows down a while after canon content stops being made. doesn't mean it's dead.

what is happening is that artists and fic writers and other fandom enjoyers that are still out here making plenty of "content" for you (to absorb in 2 seconds and then demand more like they're machines, btw) see your dumb little comment and look around like ???

like ok what am I, chopped liver? I'm still out here making plenty of content, am i dead to you?

what are you doing to keep the active community alive and motivated? are you actually liking and sharing their art? reading their fics and leaving nice comments?

orrrrrrrr do you only care when its your favorite artists making content?

its like. very obvious when its the biggest artists who arent making art anymore cause they moved to a new fandom or whatever and suddenly here come the "the fandom is dead" posts

i know from experience that it just makes everyone else feel like they dont "count." theyre just the backup "favorite" artists when the real "favorite" artists are away, because you don't have a choice anymore.

it feels so god damn disrespectful and dismissive. like thank god i will draw whatever tf i want whether it gets 1 like or 3000 but whenever i see that kind of comment I cant help but go "well the fandom is dead apparently so I guess I'll just throw my ideas and wips away huh???"

and most people are kind. i dont think those big artists would be very happy to hear you're dismissing an entire fandom's worth of creativity just because they havent drawn for it in a while

i keep saying artist but this goes for anyone who contributes to fandom in any way. even just posting headcanons and stuff is participation. and those fics need people to read them, after all.

ive yet to see any fandom actually die. but you will kill your creators' motivation if you keep saying its dead

[moveslikekeithrichards]

ik its the internet & anything you post can and will be fucked by whomever & we like to pretend thats ok because its easier to just disrespect peoples boundaries than stop & consider our actions for a moment but does anybody else hate the trend of "op turned off reblogs so im posting screenshots." like there are a million reasons why somebody might turn off reblogs including things like "i am no longer comfortable with what i said here & dont want it spread anymore" or "people have been harassing me for this post" & even if its Not That Deep or it seems like a silly little nothing post or they only turned off reblogs to calm their notifications it still feels like kind of an asshole move to just Take It

[paraspidey]

intro ⋆ READ B4 INTERACTING ⌁

my name is ajax/reo (you can call me either of those names) my pronouns are he/xe i am a minor (i'm 4teen) and i used to be @spinnspidey, @radiospidey, @knifespidey, and @razorspidey (that was the more known one) but i got t worded (again…) to whoever got me t worded, block dnt report. thanks!! ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა yeah so heres my intro. i'm a little bit of a weirdo if i do say so myself and i'm heavily tumblr obsessed so yeah i'll be on here nd i'll probably post a lot ^^ i'll post whatever goes through my mind which might be bad so warning on that. i might show symptoms of mental illnesses and if i do then mb idk not really my problem… but heads up i WILL say shit that shows that im not doing great. please do not try to save me or smth. also im looking for friends so bmf i promise im nice. DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT PROMOTE ANYTHING THAT I POST. I AM POSTING AS A WAY TO VENT.

more info + stats under the cut!!! (tw for talking about sh + ed. don't like, don't read.)

sh﹐tw . . . ⋆ i have been cvtting since 2022 ⋆ i have hit styro ⋆ only styro on my thighs ⋆ i am not allowed to cvt anymore (unfortunately) ⋆ i have cvt my thighs, arms, stomach, and neck ⋆ most scars on thighs + arms ⋆ mostly cat scratches ⋆ all scars have healed (or are almost done in the process of healing) ⋆ my parents found out so i can't do it for now… (⇀‸↼‶)

ed﹐tw . . . ⋆ i have always hated my body ⋆ started trying to lose weight january 2023 ⋆ started around december 2023 (probably before, like over the summer but idk…) ⋆ 160 cm (last time i measured myself at least..) ⋆ sw 57.6 kg (bmi 22.5) ⋆ hw 60 kg (bmi 23.4) ⋆ lw 49.8 kg (bmi 19.5) ⋆ cw 49.8 kg (bmi 19.5) [have not updated recently] ⋆ gw 1 50 kg (bmi 19.5) ⋆ gw 2 45 kg (bmi 17.6) ⋆ gw 3 40 kg (bmi 15.6) ⋆ ugw <38 kg (bmi <14.8)

dni . . . ⋆ basic dni (idrc ngl, do what you want but don't report me thanks) ⋆ judgmental people ⋆ people who have mdni in their bio (i am a minor so??) ⋆ nsfw accounts (this means people who post/reblog nudes. if it's just text, it's fine) ⋆ overly sensitive people ⋆ people who aren't ok w dark topics/get uncomfortable by stuff like that (this is more for you than for me, i dont wanna make anyone upset) ⋆ people who get triggered by talking about sh, ⭐️ving, alcohol, etc… (yes i am aware that it's bad, no don't come to my dms with a savior complex telling me to get help. i'm trying to get help) ⋆ i block freely btw cuz ik a lot of ppl dont respect dni lists + theres people who are unavoidable at times…

byi . . . ⋆ if you interact with me, i might seem excited n stuff ⋆ i might sound like i'm flirting but i'm not (i have a partner and i love them) ⋆ i can make a lot of sex jokes ⋆ i am very immature ⋆ dnt try to "fix" me, i'll probably block you or ignore you ⋆ i'm a little unusual so yeah ⋆ dnt be scared to interact w me i luv talking to peopleヾ(≧∇≦)ゞ ⋆ i am not pro €d or $h i just post about it and my experience…

fandoms . . . ⋆ hypmic (hypnosis mic) ⋆ genshin impact ⋆ paralive (paradox live) ⋆ servamp ⋆ tougen anki ⋆ karneval ⋆ bsd (bungou stray dogs) ⋆ seraph of the end ⋆ litc (lost in the cloud) ⋆ kagerou daze ⋆ the case study of vanitas ⋆ pandora hearts ⋆ enstars (ensemble stars) (i am KIND OF a part of it because my ex filled me up on a lot of lore when we were together…) ⋆ pjsk (project sekai) ⋆ theres probably some others but i forgot…

interests . . . ⋆ vkei ⋆ scene ⋆ anything bloody ⋆ cannibalism (ooh edgy) ⋆ tortures ⋆ psychology ⋆ music (i listen to vkei, scene, metal, etc…) ⋆ vampires ⋆ fanfiction (mostly genshin but other stuff occassionally) ⋆ true crime (im not tcc) ⋆ rarepairs (mostly genshin) ⋆ bats ⋆ writing ⋆ books ⋆ etc… ⋆ btw if youre interested in any of these or are interested becoming friends PLEASEEE message me 🙏🙏😓 im looking for friends pleaseplwaseplease

tags . . . ⋆ i tag all my posts with #paraspidey ⋆ i tag my normal posts with #paraspideys normal posts, meaning they are unrelated to $h and/or €d related things ⋆ i don't have a specific tag for $h/€d/vent related things so beware. i usually put a warning on all my posts like that at the end of the post tho ⋆ i tag my moodboard with #paraspideys moodboards ⋆ i tag stuff about me/my life as #paraspidey diary ⋆ i tag my rants/more serious posts with #paraspidey rants ⋆ block any of the tags or my blog if you do not wish to see it!!!

other links . . . ⋆ fanfic/dead dove: do not eat blog ⋆ poem blog ⋆ carrd

remember!!! block DONT report this blog if you need to ^^ this blog is meant as a way to vent my feelings/talk about my feelings so please don't dm me about how its bad. i am aware.

[stxrvel]

the voices in my head (7)

series summary: you woke up from a long coma with no memory of a part of your life only to be told by your teammates that you're married to the man you hated seven years ago. even though that seemed to be the only problem, as time goes on you're realizing there's a lot more history and mystery behind the accident that left you in medical care for months. blackouts, more memory loss, mistrust and a strange man who seems to be connected to everything. every day it gets harder to trust anyone around you, but you won't stop until you can finally uncover the truth behind the accident.

chapter summary: you try to get answers, but not everything is as it seems. you may actually be living a lie.

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

words: +5k

warnings: bad words and descriptions of blood. a lot of confusing answers too.

note: ok guys. heres the next part in this series and i dont even know what happened. im kind of a let it happen writer, so i just started writing this chapter with what i had in my drafts, and the suddenly everyting came to life and started to write itself. like i dont know whats happening anymore, 80% of this wasnt planned. BUT i dont dislike the way this one turned out. im actually happy because it filled a gap in the plot that i'd had for some time and didn't know how to handle. as you may have seen in my reblogs, i dont tend to plan things out, i just start writing and the characters will tell me their stories. so, i just hope you guys love and ejoy this chapter!! know feedback is alwas appreciated! and i hope you end up as confused as i am. love you all!

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Bucky was in a haze. His fingers were trembling and he felt his heart racing to get out of his chest. He didn't know what he was doing, but he let his body guide him because there had to be a reason for all that, for all that fuss, for all that suffering. His feet hurt, he didn't even know how long he had been running for, but not even the rest of the team following behind him had made him stop until now. (Maybe they didn't want to stop him either.)

Maybe he was already in the middle of that city. There were too many buildings, sounds of car horns, the hurried footsteps of people walking past him, tapping his shoulder, not even looking at him as if he didn't even deserve to be recognized by a stranger before staggering his whole world.

Bucky wasn't sure he deserved many things anymore. He used to think it was all a gift, he used to think that after so much pain he was finally collecting happiness and peace of mind. He thought he really deserved it. But maybe he didn't. If all that had happened behind his back, if he had allowed it, if he hadn't even suspected it? Did he even deserve a look?

No, maybe he deserved those rubs, the footsteps on his boots, the coffee on his jacket. Maybe he deserved to feel that pain, that burning. Maybe it was the least he could do, it was the only thing he could give back, because in his foggy mind he couldn't think of what else he could do. He deserved that pain and more because it surely didn't even compare to yours, nor did it come close on the heels of everything you had to do.

There was a moment when he thought that had he had the chance to handle that damned time gem hanging around Strange's neck he would have done it without hesitation, not for a single second, not like that damned Stephen had hesitated and in vain. Maybe things would have been different, maybe everyone would be different now? Maybe you would hate him now. Maybe now the pain would be bearable. Maybe he wouldn't walk the streets of that city that had taken everything from him thinking the world had just fallen on his shoulders.

“Bucky, you're not going to find him,” he heard Carol speak to his left side, but his mind erased the memory.

He was alone walking through the city. He couldn't even remember why his white shirt felt sticky against his skin.

Whatever had happened that morning seemed to have been momentarily erased.

Bucky stopped.

What was he doing there?

The sound of morning stress suddenly stunned him. He shifted on his feet to look around, to see how everyone was still moving, how the sun was still shining and the clouds were racing across the sky, seeing how everything was still the same while for him everything had stopped.

“Where is she?” Bucky thought he was asking a voice in his head, a figment of his imagination, but the hand on his shoulder had to be real. It felt real.

-

Bucky didn't say much for much of the morning. You watched him, stoic and lost in thought from time to time, barely shaking his head in acknowledgement when you told him something. He had given no answer to your questions and as much as you wanted to keep asking, as much as you wanted to insist, something in his eyes prevented you from doing so.

So you spent a good part of the day like that, with Bucky at your side, reluctant to let go of your arm, not encouraging you to do anything else. Everything that had happened that day, all your crazy conjectures and theories slowly faded from your head as you relaxed by his side, letting go of the accumulated tiredness you'd felt since the day everything started to change.

And you had several strange dreams, surrounded by destruction, blows that felt strangely real, full of tears and full of suffering.

But one of them stood out from the others.

You were somewhat confused to see Bucky that morning. His mission was supposed to take at least a few more days and you had already made up your mind that you wouldn't see him for a while. Getting used to it was easy though, but you preferred to ignore that reality.

He passed right in front of you, walking as if it was nothing, ignoring your presence completely. Not that you were expecting anything different either. No, of course you weren't. After the way things left off when he left, you didn't expect him to forgive you so soon.

You could barely let out the air you were holding when he disappeared down the hall.

“What's wrong?” you heard Natasha's voice.

You turned around startled. She had planted herself next to you, her uniform dirty and heavily bloodstained.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it's not mine.” Natasha waved her hand in a nonchalant gesture.

“Why did you guys come back so soon?”

“The track was a dead end. There was nothing there.”

“It was a trap.”

“Yeah,” Natasha sighed, turning her head to see Steve getting off the Quinjet. “She knew we were going. She couldn't wait to see our stupid faces.”

You clicked your tongue. “How come she's always three steps ahead of us?”

“We've been wondering the same thing.”

Natasha had started walking toward the end of the hallway and you were about to follow her until you ran into a familiar face on one side of Steve.

“What's he doing here?”

Natasha didn't answer you, and when you turned to see her she had a tired expression on her face.

“Well since we've been going on so many missions without a good result, the UN panel that controls us is going to start limiting our outings.”

“What? But she's completely unpredictable!”

“I know, believe me we tried to talk to him. They contacted us since we were coming back. They're very adamant, and it's not like we can do much about it.”

Natasha giving up just like that didn't give you much hope. You watched Steve listen to Secretary Ross with his hands on his hips and a droopy expression. He didn't seem to agree much, but he couldn't say no either. Surely more than anyone else he was the one who was having the hardest time with the whole Accords thing.

You wanted to think for a moment that that was the real reason Bucky had ignored you when he arrived and not because of the discussion you two had that was overheard by half the building about three days before. The subject of the Accords was also a hard subject for him, but more than anything else because of the bombing, because of everything that had happened after that. The fight he blamed himself for every chance he got and the concede. They had been able to go far but not far enough. You knew Bucky spent many days thinking about all that.

But hey, besides that news he must still be pretty mad at you. At least that was something you could fix.

“So we're back to waiting,” you finally spoke up turning to look at Natasha. The woman barely twisted her lips in response.

“If they don't think this is a global threat, I don't know what one thing has to happen for them to let us do our job right,” Natasha walked down the hall with you trailing at her heels, a grimace on her face and a frown on her face. “Will it have to cost someone's life for them to notice?”

“Nat,” you furrowed your brow at her words. “We should think this is enough. Something worse could have happened. If Steve hadn't given up after the fight at the airport, where do you think they'd be now? And you? The group would have disbanded. We could have been pushed even harder, but the government and the countries were more condescending.”

“I wish it was enough for me. Thinking like that must bring you peace.”

You ran your tongue in front of your teeth with a disguised grimace. Natasha didn't notice as you watched her red hair and black suit as yoou approached the main hall of the Complex.

“I'm just thinking this way to ease the violent thoughts of you all. You know I didn't want to sign either.”

“But you did,” Natasha paused at the foot of the stairs. You could tell from there that Bucky was talking to Sam and Tony was meeting with Clint.

“It was all going to end very badly if I didn't. You know what they think of me. If I had gone with you and Steve they would have not only wanted to contain me but neutralize me. And you know they would've done it any way they could.”

Natasha's eyes flashed in recognition. You knew what was going through her head because you had been through it once before and it had been a horrible experience that had been burned into the minds of every one of your teammates. Especially Bucky's and yours.

“I wouldn't have let them near you,” she spoke, her voice soft and full of feeling.

“And I wouldn't have let you carry that for me.”

Natasha sketched a half-smile, shaking her head.

“I guess we'd both die trying to keep the other from dying.”

The conversation ended there and soon you were both in the living room near Clint and Tony. You watched them chat about the mission. You noticed the somber expression on Stark's face when Natasha told him that Secretary Ross was talking to Steve. You caught the moment when Clint sighed heavily and moved his hand to turn down the volume on the device in his ear, he did that every time someone mentioned something about the Accords or the Secretary. Sometimes even when someone talked about Germany. Clint was the most evasive of all on that subject.

Sam and Bucky were too far away for you to tell if they were listening the conversation, although considering that the latter had a super serum running through his veins, he probably had super hearing that allowed him to, even if it was against his will.

But despite the distance you could tell that his eyes were on yours. He was resting his elbows on his knees, leaning forward. His expression matched Tony's and you wondered how much it would cost you to get the two of them to sit down and talk about the things that had happened. Within that civil war, they were probably the ones who had had it the worst. But that was almost impossible, they both hated each other almost to death.

You were attracted by his gaze and started walking before you knew it. Sam stood up and gave you a nod of greeting as he passed you. Surely they had already spoken.

Bucky didn't stop looking at you until you took the spot where his friend had been.

“Are you okay?” you asked him, bringing your hand up to his right shoulder. He was too tense.

“Ross doesn't understand anything,” was what he replied, his voice laced with a hateful venom that sent a shiver down your spine.

“I know.”

“He's gonna get us killed. Him and that damn panel.”

“Bucky-”

“Nothing's going to make them understand until a massacre happens and that blood is on their hands.”

“Honey,” you stepped closer to your boyfriend, his body tensing even more, but moving closer to yours as if it were his nature. He straightened up and allowed you to fully embrace his right arm. “I think you can rest easy because you're doing your job and you're doing it well. I know you feel the helplessness, we all go through that. And I would love to tell you that we can change it and do something about it, but I can't. I can only remind you that you've been doing it right and you've been doing everything in your power to make it so. Ross and the panel are going to come to their senses at some point. They're going to understand what we're doing at some point and then we won't have to fight anymore.”

“I think you're the only one on the team who believes that,” Bucky tried to sketch a smile turning his face to look at you.

“Someone has to do it or you're always going to be like cats and dogs.”

“Yeah, you're the one who brings balance to this place,” his beady eyes didn't leave yours. “To me, too.”

You felt a sting behind your eyes and your chest compressed.

“Bucky, I'm sorry-”

“No, leave it.”

“No! It was my fault and I spoke to you too ugly-”

“I already forgave you, Y/N. Don't keep talking.”

“Don't do that. Let me tell you-”

Bucky reached up to plant a kiss on your lips. You reached up to move back a little, but his hand went around your waist and he pulled you tighter against him. He moved his lips over yours as if it had been months since the last time he did it, gentle, taking his time, savoring every second he could. Your hands cradled the sides of his face, kissing him back with the same intensity he gave you.

When he pulled away, you were breathing heavily.

“I said leave it.”

“You're mean.”

He moved closer and gave you another quick peck before settling back in. His eyes didn't leave yours even though your body was beginning to lose the warmth he'd given you. At that moment you thought you could spend your whole life like this and you would be entirely happy.

Apparently Bucky thought the same thing.

“Marry me.”

“What?” you exclaimed, an expression of surprise making its way across your features.

Bucky smiled at your half-open mouth.

“Marry me, Y/N.”

“Bucky…”

“I never wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone as much as I do with you. I can't even remember what it was like to live before you anymore. So, yeah, that's it, marry me.”

It had been at least about two hours and you couldn't stop thinking about it. It felt too real to have been just a dream.

You had woken up in a room all alone. There wasn't a single trace that Bucky had been there with you at any time. For a moment you thought maybe you'd dreamed all that day, but you could still feel the strength of Bucky's arms around your figure. You could still feel his breath in your ear every time he mumbled an apology from the bottom of his heart, not really knowing what he was apologizing to you for.

You felt it as real as that kiss. Like that emotion when in your dream he proposed to you. Maybe it wasn't a dream, you'd been married after all. But how could you remember that now? What had changed?

And that conversation with Natasha…

You heard the bedroom door open and a few seconds later Bucky appeared in front of you. You felt your stomach churn.

“You're awake,” he commented as he approached the bed. He set down a mug of hot liquid on the nightstand before sitting down across from you, and you stood a little while longer watching the smoke billow out. “You must have a lot of questions.”

You turned to look at him. He looked better than the last time you had seen him. Calmer and more serene.

“Go ahead. Ask.”

Even though yes, you did indeed have too many questions, at that moment you went blank. You felt like your heart was going to pound out of your chest with how fast it was beating, so hard it was thundering against your bones. With sweaty hands you tried to arrange your hair in a carefree gesture, but you were sure you had a desperate grimace on your face.

So much had happened in the last few days, and there was even something you still hadn't told Bucky…

Sighing, you decided to let out the first thing that came to mind.

“What are the Accords?”

You noticed Bucky's face process your question, his face contorting in confusion. “The Accords?”

For a moment you thought it wasn't true, and you were giving yourself the nod thinking you'd just had a meaningless dream, until Bucky spoke again.

“Where did you hear about that?”

You frowned. “Is it real?”

“Yes,” Bucky nodded quickly. “The Sokovia Accords. It's a document signed by a large number of countries that allows a United Nations panel to monitor the activities of the Avengers.”

That made sense according to what you remembered from that dream. So it could be true…

“How did you propose to me?”

Bucky frowned even more than the previous time, and you knew that maybe those weren't the questions he was expecting, but you needed to know.

“Uhm,” Bucky took a moment before answering. “I had just returned from a mission where we were ambushed. I was nearly killed. Maybe I had a moment of lucidity, I don't know, all I knew was that I'd never felt so scared about not being able to be with you. So I came in, we talked and I just did it.”

“Did anything happen while you were coming in from the mission, before you made the proposal?”

“Mmm, yeah, something did happen,” Bucky looked more than confused somewhat suspicious. “The Secretary of State is like the spokesman for the panel I mentioned to you. That day coming back from the mission he contacted us to tell us that we would have to start getting out less and plan better plans, long story short. I was very angry. Too angry. And you and I… Well, we had argued before I left so we didn't talk as soon as I got there. But yeah, that happened.”

So it was a memory.

“Y/N? Why are you asking me these things?”

“You told me to ask.”

“Yeah, well,” Bucky pursed his lips. “I didn't expect you to ask me those questions.”

“Why is there a dome around the Complex?”

“Well,” Bucky cleared his throat. “Generally speaking, in the beginning it was to keep the military from intervening in the Complex because… let's just say we did something against the rules of the Accords for a while. Then we decided to keep the dome to prevent him from finding us.”

“Him? Who is he?”

“They call him The…”

For a moment you stopped hearing Bucky, though you could see his mouth was still moving. A high-pitched whistling filled your hearing. It was loud and painful. You moved your hands to the sides of your head to try to isolate yourself from the sound, but you felt it coming from inside you.

“… are you okay? Y/N?”

You could hear him again. That was weird.

“What happened?”

“I don't know,” you moved your jaw to uncover your ears, but in a second it seemed like nothing had happened. “I felt a ringing in my ears, but too loud.”

Bucky arched an eyebrow, scanning your face. You could tell the concern on his face and it compressed your chest.

“I'm fine, what were you saying?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, go on.”

Bucky hesitated for a few seconds, his eyes still detailing your features as a precaution. Finally he sighed and shook his head in assent.

“Well, the man you most likely saw on television was…”

You lost your hearing again and a second after you saw Bucky's mouth move without a sound, the high-pitched beeping returned. That time it was so loud that you couldn't help but scream even though you couldn't hear anything. You felt Bucky's hands on your forearms as you covered your ears again, but it seemed to increase the beeping and along with it your vision tried to go white. You thought you saw a hand outstretched in front of you.

You were about to lose your mind until you finally found silence again.

You had leaned forward and Bucky had leaned over you.

“Bucky?”

“Y/N? Are you okay?”

You straightened up and he quickly did the same. His eyes desperately searched your face and body for something.

You felt dizzy all of a sudden, and when you reached up to massage your temples that's when you saw the blood.

So did Bucky.

You brought your hands to the sides of your face and it felt wet. For a moment you felt like you were going to throw up.

Bucky took your face in his hands and turned it sideways, looking at the blood that seemed to have come out of your ears. You couldn't look away from your blood-stained hands. For some reason, you felt a strange familiarity in your chest.

“Bucky…” you mumbled without looking up. “What happened? The day of the accident, what the fuck happened?”

“Y/N, are you-”

“Say it,” you raised your head. His frown made you uncomfortable.

“I don't think-”

“Tell me, Bucky.”

It looked like Bucky thought he knew what was going on and didn't want to subject you to it, but you'd seen something and you felt that's where the answer was.

“Say it and don't stop talking.”

Your features were hard, you didn't give a single space for doubt. And Bucky sighed when he realized he couldn't convince you.

“The accident was because of…”

There it was again. Louder and angrier than the previous two times. It seemed to want to berate you for some reason. So much anger was overwhelming. The sound was deafening. The pain was uncontainable. You couldn't help but shout as you felt like you were being ripped in two.

And then, you saw it. A hand stretched out in front of you.

Writhing in pain, you gripped it tightly.

And you opened your mouth to take a big breath of air.

Everything was white around you. To your left, right, above and below. There wasn't a single shadow or a sign that so much brightness was coming from somewhere. The white seemed to stretch on forever when you started walking, because there was no sign of even corners or stairs. It was a simple white plane.

You walked as if that was the solution. As if at some point you were going to come across something that would give you the answer, but there was simply nothing.

And when you finally stopped, you heard it. You recognized it instantly.

What are you doing?

You moved sideways, looking for the source of that voice, but there was no one even miles away. You couldn't see a single speck.

“Who are you?” you exclaimed angrily to no one in particular.

I'd already told you.

“No! Drop the fucking mystery, who the fuck are you?”

Silence followed your question.

“Didn't you want me to trust you? You told me they were the bad guys.”

They are, the voice replied.

“Then prove it. Tell me who you are. Let me trust you.”

There was silence for several seconds, and in between all the emptiness you swore you could go crazy. Fine, and you were already hallucinating things.

But then… footsteps.

You turned suddenly.

There was a man. Very short hair, with a big beard that hid his whole jaw. Dark clothes, a jacket and a baggy jean. He was leaning against something, with his hands inside his jean pockets, even though no matter how hard you looked you never found an object there. He must have been handling what was going on here. His face was barely minimally familiar to you, but not enough to make you suspect him.

“Who are you?”

“You can call me Nathaniel.”

Nathaniel? He didn't sound remotely familiar.

“You were the one who did that thing?”

“What thing, Y/N?”

“The beeping.”

“Ah. I couldn't risk getting your head filled with lies. I told you I'd take care of it.”

“And you had to hurt me in the process?”

“My apologies. It was the only way.”

“Are you seriou? Bringing me here was the only way too?”

You watched the man, Nathaniel, undo his serene expression for the first time to frown at you. He moved to approach you and you couldn't stop your body from shifting away from him.

“Don't you know you're the one doing this? You called me here. This is your invention.”

“What? No. That's impossible. I didn't… I'm not…”

You looked around. It couldn't be you. You didn't even know where you were while Nathaniel could sit comfortably waiting for you. It couldn't be your doing.

“This is your mind, Y/N. Don't you recognize it?”

Miles of emptiness greeted you as you turned to survey the place. That shit was impossible.

“Well, it's missing some memories, sure.”

You frowned and turned to look at him. He seemed to have his hands folded behind his back and he had that calm, almost expressionless face again. He looked like someone who inspired confidence, you didn't doubt that if people looked at him they would surely believe him because that was the aura he had around him. Still… the tightness in your chest wouldn't go away.

“But it's still yours.”

“You can… bring my memories back?” you weren't entirely sure why you asked, it just popped in your head, out of nowhere. It wasn't as crazy as it sounded taking in consideration that he was the beeping in your ears. He definitely could do something. Maybe it was your subconscious.

You noticed when his eyes twinkled as he shook his head. A small smile crept onto his face, as if he'd been waiting for that question.

“Well, I can definitely try.”

You felt a relief sweep through your entire body.

“You're on my side, right?” your cautious side came to the fore.

“Of course, Y/N. I've been trying to help you all this time. It's a little hard, but I've tried.”

“It's hard?”

“Yes, it's just that…” the man, Nathaniel, averted his gaze from yours as if he was thinking about whether or not to continue. When he looked back at you his expression was much softer, more real, “You're too far away. I can't do much like this.”

“And where are you?”

Nathaniel smiled, “Even if I told you, you couldn't look for me. You can't get through the dome.”

You clicked your tongue. You had the chance to finally remember everything in the palm of your hand and you wanted to take it with all your might. Because you had already realized that this man was very powerful and that, in his delusions of helpfulness, he wouldn't let anyone in the group tell you the truth. If he wouldn't even let Bucky do it, he wouldn't let anyone but him do it. And you had a bad feeling, but what else could you do?

“Then you'd have to come to where I am.”

Nathaniel nodded slightly. “Just tell me where you are and I'll come get you.”

“I'm at the Avengers Complex,” you spoke after a sigh. “In Washington.”

The man in front of you sketched a smile, but rather than reassuring you it was more nerve-wracking.

“Ah, you see. I told you you couldn't trust them.”

“What are you talking about?”

Nathaniel resumed walking, his steps getting closer and closer to you.

“You're not at the Complex or anywhere near Washington.”

“What? But…”

“They've got you trapped. They won't let you out. They won't even tell you where you really are.”

You shook your head in denial. What he was saying made no sense. You could literally see the city from the roof of the building. You had even gone out one of those days and toured the city, how was it possible that you weren't in Washington?

Although… You weren't even sure what Washington was really like. You had no memory of that city in your head. You had never seen the city anywhere else. You were just told you were there and assumed that what you saw was that city. But what if it wasn't?

“Find out where you are, Y/N,” Nathaniel spoke again while you were still lost in your head. Almost at the same time, the ground began to shake. “Figure it out and come back and tell me where I can find you and get you out of there.”

The ground shook vehemently, but the man in front of you didn't look as scared as you did. He still had that calm expression, his hands in his pockets and his head cocked to one side. He was looking at you as if he longed for something from you.

You no longer had the slightest idea what was going on.

And then you heard other footsteps approaching fast.

“Y/N!”

You recognized her instantly, but instead of being reassured, you were frightened.

You turned around to find Wanda Maximoff trying to get closer to where you were, running through the white debris falling from somewhere above.

“They're going to try to get you away from me,” Nathaniel spoke, and you moved to look back at him.

“Get away from him!” Wanda exclaimed.

“They don't want you to know the truth. Even if you think they're going to tell you the truth, they're not. It's a lie. It's always been a lie.”

“Y/N!”

“They didn't even tell you where you really are.”

“Shut the fuck up! Y/N, don't listen to him!”

“They've been keeping things from you for a year. They didn't even want to tell you that you have powers.”

“Don't listen to him!”

“If you hadn't brought it up to Bucky Barnes, he never would have told you.”

The way his name came out of his mouth was disgusting. You never wanted him to mention his name ever again.

“Think about that,” Nathaniel finished and watched beside you as the woman kept running trying to dodge the falling debris for some reason; mind you, it wasn't falling where you were, just where she was stepping. “Goodbye, Wanda, see you soon.”

When you turned around, the man was gone, and when you turned around again, Wanda crashed into you with a thud.

You opened your mouth to take a breath of air. You felt your body heavy. The first thing your eyes registered was color. You were no longer on that white plane, in your mind, you were back in the room.

But you were not alone.

Sound came slowly to your hearing, as you could barely differentiate between the faces that peered out to see you. You stopped when you found Wanda's reddish hair right in front of you. The hands at your temples must have been hers. It must have been the same as last time.

You sat up with a jolt and didn't disown, though you felt a whiplash of pain run from your back to your feet. You looked back at the woman who had gotten into your head sitting across from you. Your head had been in her lap. She looked as tired as you.

“Nothing he said is true,” was the first thing Wanda said, holding up her hands as if her sound of peace meant something to you.

“He?” you heard Bucky's voice, and that was the only thing that made you tear your gaze away from Wanda's clear eyes. “Who are you talking about?”

When you found Bucky, you clutched at his hands.

“Y/N,” Wanda spoke again. “What he said isn't true. He's a manipulator. He'll do anything to get you on his side, but you can't believe him.”

“So I'm supposed to believe you guys?” you almost spat the words out, an overwhelming fury roaring deep in your chest. You squeezed Bucky's hands as you turned to look at him. “Bucky, where are we?”

“Y/N, no,” Wanda interfered, but that only unleashed your fury.

“Shut up!” you raised your hand in her direction and the woman moved back a considerable distance on the ground, as if she had been pulled. You looked back at Bucky. “Tell me, where are we?”

Bucky was looking away, most likely to where Wanda was, but you didn't have time for that. You moved your hands to cradle Bucky's face and bring his eyes back to yours. That position brought back the memories of your dream and you felt a sharp pain in your head when that happened.

The moment Bucky turned to look at you, you felt as if a sword had cut you in two. An electrifying light and a bunch of scenarios where you had taken in Bucky's face in the same way.

“Y/N?”

You blinked rapidly, pushing those memories out of your mind. It seemed that every time an image of those appeared in your mind it was accompanied by excruciating pain.

“Answer me, please.”

“We're at the Complex, Y/N. In Washington,” Bucky replied and you felt his words were dirty.

“No,” you frowned and your hands over his face took on strength. “Where are we really?”

“Y/N,” Bucky looked confused, and for a moment you thought he had been lied too, until he moved his eyes to look behind you and without turning you knew who was there.

“Look at me,” you commanded between your teeth and his clear eyes focused solely on yours. “Tell me where we are.”

Bucky began to shake his head and reluctantly closed his eyes tightly. It seemed that simple question caused him physical pain.

“I-I can't. I can't tell you, Y/N.”

“Bucky, stop it. Don't talk.”

The order came from Carol Danvers, and you hated the way the man's face contracted as he heard it. You didn't want him to listen to her.

You wanted to turn to see her, you wanted to tell her that it wasn't her place to order him such things, that she was no one to talk to him like that. But Bucky's hands cupped your face before you could see her in your peripheral vision. His pleading eyes melted your heart and again you felt the pain shatter your head.

A hundred more scenarios where Bucky had looked at you that way.

“Y/N, relax, okay? We're going to talk, but I want you to calm down first, okay?”

You took a deep breath, trying to push through the pain, and nodded in his direction.

“Okay, all right, breathe with me.”

You noticed his chest inflate as he inhaled and mimicked his action. Also when he exhaled. And then again and again and again. Until you felt a little more serene and Bucky's eyes looked warmer.

Maybe it was what had happened with that man in your head, because of the stress you'd felt and the hopelessness when you woke up and felt for a moment that everyone was against you, but suddenly you felt so tired that you just laid your head on Bucky's shoulder and closed your eyes.

--

a/n: thank u so much for reading 💜

Taglist: @cjand10 @yallgotkik @ruffdog921 @coracal @its-just-kayy @pono-pura-vida @vampiresarezombies @kaz11283 @vicmc624 @calwitch

[oldmemoria]

i have a lot of unorganized miguel headcanons that float around my brain at times but since i usually think of them at night and forget about them the next morning im just going to continuously update this post probably? anyway here are the ones that i do remember

i will either leave this in my drafts and update it when i want to or ill just edit/reblog with new stuff idk

edit after i stopped typing:

ok its time

fuck you

posts

identity headcanons first, because idk getting those out of the way feel free to get pissed off about these ill just block you 💖

trans man. he/him pronouns. probbably doesnt care if you use gender neutral terms for him because like... why would he, he has a multiverse to stare at

asexual, can't really figure out of i see him as being aromantic as well, i personally just think he's too busy to think about it atm but i dont think hes incapable of it. maybe arospec, like demiro or greyro or smth idk, i just know this mf is asexual.

he is autistic (and probably undiagnosed?) i will die on this hill as if i was a warrior cat defending the sunningrocks i will commit an oakheart fight me on this and i will throw rocks at you and then promptly get crushed by rocks as well (is that warrior cats spoilers um oops sorry)

now to the rest- that i remember- i have not read the comics yet so if some of these are like.. actually canon lmk because that would be really funny

this one might be a hot take but he does not hate miles. he wants to look out for him and definitely either currently regrets or is going to regret what happened in that chase scene. i genuinely doubt he hates any of the spider-gang hes just very, very worried about the multiverse. in his head thats the only way. (i am hoping and pleading that miguel and miles make up somehow, maybe miles doesnt forgive miguel and that totally understandable and would make sense but pLEASE writers i would die if you kept them as being rivals i genuinely would)

he hates Audrey Hepburn, fangoria, harry houdini, AND croquet. he CAN swim, he CAN dance, and he DOES know Karate. he still wont make it though. sorry man.

since hes from the future i dont think he'd be terribly confused by current slang/terms, hed more look at it like we see terms from like... the 80-90s or anything before that as "oh wow people used to say that? huh. interesting."

im going back on a headcanon ive had since i saw the movie im SoRRYYY but he cant curse. from what ive seen from the comics he uses replacements like "shock" and "bithead", thats it. maybe he says fuck on accident or in spanish (he technically kind of does depending on how you see "Ay Coño" being said but thats beside the point).

probably a blue eyes hater idk he just gives me the vibe of saying "jesus christ your eyes are way too blue, get contacts please im begging you stop looking at me" which is probably why him and gwen have so much beef.

i dont give a shit about what the movie says his fangs are not retractable fuck you. (he still has crooked teeth though i will never forget about those <3 )

autism be damned my guy can work a grill 🔥🔥🔥🔥

a lot of people cant really tell if hes pissed or not by his tone sometimes. is this projection? yeah, next question.

he hardly ever sleeps but when he does its like hes dead (at least when its dead quiet, which again, isnt often so he hardly ever gets a good nights sleep). you'd have to use a fucking blowtorch to the face to wake him up.

i also see him as not only having hypersensitive vision but also having elevated senses period. hearing, smell, touch, etc. probably the main reason he sits in the dark with no other noise.

branching off of that he frequently gets migraines of things get to stressful or too loud or if anything is very off about his schedule.

arachnophobe. ha.

cat person.

cat person as in he likes cats not like hes a catboy.. i shouldnt specify that actually that just makes it worse but i will anyway because tumblr hellsite will be tumblr hellsite

he partially likes lego peter because his daughter really liked lego.

ok but like think about it he'd probably be really good at taking legos apart with those claws. like imagine. it'd be nothing for him.

hasnt spoken to gabriel in years. he cant bring himself to reach out and when gabriel does he just doesnt have the energy to try and respond. he has no idea how to, especially now.

this is very specific but he stims a lot with his claws. like extend and retract over and over absentmindedly (mainly because thats what i'd do if i had claws imagine how fun that would be)

he usually bottles up all the emotions that he has, including anger. kind of explains why he lost it in the chase scene in my head because he reached a boiling point. he hates talking to people about his problems.

empanadas are his safe food, also theyre just easy to eat when your mouth is a little funky (i would know i have some fucked up braces theyre great for that 10/10), its mostly just easier on his fangs.

definitely horrible at the whole self are thing. he just forgets, all the time. would forget to breathe if it wasnt involuntary

if you say anything he doesnt particularly like (eg "hey bro are you okay do you wanna talk") he'll just stare at you with his rat eyes like 👁️👁️ until you stopped idk what im saying.

he is a bit touch starved, depending on his mood he'll let people touch him in a friendly (emphasis on friendly. friendly friendly friendly dont take it any other way :/) way.

OH I almost forgot about this one: he hisses. some spiders hiss. so does he. vampire furry energy

he also gets pissed when people call him a vampire so uh... im counting my days oops.

will go out and sit in the rain. (wait would it still rain in the future? is the climate still fucked in his timeline or nah)

like "ah, its water time" and goes out to sit like this:

Man if only there was a rain filter

that is all i have for now maybe if something else comes up ill reblog with new stuff >:)

[inactivedoesntexist]

i don't like those hateful blogs they give me the ick and i don't trust them i see their posts because of reblogs i come to you because you respond in a mature way more than that blog and her friends do i am sorry if i didn't respond better but it's really hurtful to me seeing these blogs turn on people that we thought were friends and also accusing them of being stalker blogs everyone has been getting weird asks these last few days ever since the block out trend started it angers me that people think it's someone who stalks someone and you all know who i am talking about and i don't want to get involved in it either i am tired of seeing that stalker drama on my dash because it's giving maya/manthapaige stalker drama again and im not getting involved.

im thinking of revamping it also because it hasn't been fun being in this fandom and these blogs just want to come at each others throats and accuse us of being someone else etc etc sorry to drag you in i just thought i shared my opinion on what i was seeing i didn't want to start drama with you at all you have always answered my asks respectfully and i appreciate that.

okay, i do want to answer this respectfully anon but i also need to ask that this particular drama not be brought to me anymore. if you really want to talk, my dms are open and i will have an adult conversation with anyone who wants to talk about this.

im about to sound off but please, anon, you specifically, do not take it personally because this isnt at you. this is at this entire situation.

below the cut.

i dont see hateful things being spewed on my dash. people keep telling me its all over and i just... dont see it? but i dont like... religiously check anyones blogs but jaime so otherwise i have no idea whats going on in anyones world at any given time. being hateful is never necessary and fixes nothing in my opinion especially when it comes to a pop star and the in's and out's of her choices. but i dont think thats a reason to be hateful to anyone back? anyone spewing hateful behavior will automaticlaly give me the ick, too because hate is icky. but i dont see it so i dont get the ick idk. i think we all need to take a step back and remember that this is the fucking internet.

THE FUCKING INTERNET. where everyone has opinions and even their cats chime in with hefty opinions too!! everyones screaming at each other with opinions all day every day. hit the block button bestie it will give you so much peace.

the block button is your best fucking friend! hate someone? block them. dislike someone? block them. irritated by someone? block them. disagree with someones points to the point it makes you sick to your stomach? block them.

i dont love a hateful attitude but that doesnt give me the right to go spread hateful commentary either.

it comes down to you and your choices at the end of the day - if it bothers you and you let it continue to bother you or you dont unfollow or block and follow the kinds of blogs you want to be surrounded by then i just dont know how to help or what to say. i cant make the internet stop being the internet. but i also cant just not chime in when asked about things because i will get yelled at because its the internet.. so its a choice we all have to kind of make for ourselves.

and everyone has a right to enjoy their time online and you get to kind of make it what you make it.

thats what i want to be taken from this

i dont give a fuck who is involved or who were talking about. none of what i just said is directed at any individual person or group, its just being thrown into space because this keeps getting brought to me.

ok, im prepared to be cancelled or yelled at or accused of being evil or whatever it is yall are going to have to say now.

[homosexualmorelikehomiesexual]

ok so...we all saw the flurry of Bandom Racism discussion happening. and i have...thoughts.

i know this is late, in theory because i wanted to get my thoughts together, but honestly mainly because i didnt know what to say, so part of me was annoyed that i felt obligated to say anything at all. bc im not nearly as active in bandom as my blog probably makes it look, i didnt learn 90% of the Lore until september and all of that i learned from mcrblr. im new! i dont know about any of this! much less about the racism. so...why am i expected to talk about it? what is there for me to say?

...and over the past few days, its slowly sunk in for me that thats exactly the point.

of COURSE i dont see the racism in the fandom, or know what to say about it. because either none of the other white liberal fans in my circle do, or we just... dont talk about it. and i think when we do know, we dont talk about it, because we feel like its not our place. we dont know what to say, and especially if we feel like we had any hand in it, we're... embarassed? i know i am. and like...i hesitate to list examples, because i dont want to come across as self flagellating. one, because its got to be annoying for people of color, and two, because...i dunno. i dont want to make other white people think thats whats required, to be anti racist? because i think thats one of the assumptions we're laboring under, like...we've created this environment of really aggressive Discourse, so when it comes to racism, and unpacking our own...we talk in really vague terms, we never get past the "UwU!!! Dont Be Racist!!!!" PSAs because naming our own transgressions means admitting to wrongdoing, which is embarassing at the best of times, but in the very spaces we've created, generally being found out as Doing Something Wrong means getting jumped on by other white people for the purpose of their own moral preening so no one will suspect them of the same. so...why willingly subject yourself to that? especially if whatever you have to say, whatever it is in your behaviour you want to discuss, may be triggering to people of color. simply not mentioning it feels like the better - and safer - option.

but...thats what leads to us not knowing enough about all this to feel confident talking about it in the first place.

i dunno. last week, im one of the people who looked right at that piece of art with franks rising sun tattoo, and went... "huh. hey, theres that tattoo he got covered up because it was offensive. i should look into that. ...anyway, cool art!" and hit reblog.

and like...once people started talking about it, (theres one specific post, forget who its by, someone talking about mcrs history with anti asian racism, great post thank you for making it) i felt...bad? but i also felt kinda defensive. in thinking back on it, i was like..."well, im glad to know that now. but dude im not familiar with his tattoos. i kind of assumed what i was looking at was the covered up version where its sort of peeking through. idk it was a watercolor it was kinda garbled. i wont blame myself for not thinking any harder than that."

and then i was like... okay but. if im honest with myself, thats still bad. because it doesnt matter, since i probably wouldve reblogged it anyway, just assuming it was for the sake of photo accuracy or what have you...because i still didnt fucking know or care what the rising sun flag was.

which was the whole point.

because if i HAD. if i HAD done my research when id first heard about it, months ago, i would have recognized that art for what it was and treated it with the wide berth it deserved and avoided it regardless of my knowledge of his stupid fucking tattoo. but i didnt, for a host of reasons. mainly executive dysfunction, general stress in my personal life (nunya bidness) and...if im being honest? i just didnt want to, because...i hate self teaching. i have adhd. i was homeschooled, it was really traumatic, i flunked all of highschool and had to get a GED. my reading comprehension and attention span are piss poor. so i didn't feel like looking into it. i didnt feel like giving myself a whole impromptu history lesson. i opened one wiki page and instantly got overwhelmed.

but thats also the point. because all those reasons for not doing my due diligence and reading up on why asian fans are so pressed about the rising sun tattoo? or why black fans want nothing to do with 21p? the same shit probably applies to them! they don't feel like doing it either, we just give them no choice until eventually they make giant ass posts, comprehensive, easy to digest, step by step posts, for the express purpose of doing what we all refuse to do.

and, again, theres that feeling of guilt. guilt and shame, because im admitting to this, and because i know how reading this is gonna make other white fans feel, because i just went through the exact same set of feelings, and its uncomfortable as hell. so i can only imagine how fans of color have felt.

im not making this to browbeat white fans, or to self flagellate to fans of color. this isnt a soap box or a confession booth. im just.. talking. so lets talk. im gonna be honest, i still havent done real research into the rising sun flag. im literally just now looking at the wikipedia page for imperial japan, which i just now opened, and i still feel just as overwhelmed. (does anyone have good material on learning about this? if i find any, ill post it in reblogs.)

but...yeah. this isnt an UwU!!! Dont Be Racist!!!! PSA. this is uhhhh...We're All A Little Racist, Lets Talk About It So We Wont Be. an open letter, i guess. cause we're doing and saying racist shit, intentionally or unintentionally, whether we realize it or admit it or not, and i think the majority of you who have read this far are, like me, mainly doing so through inaction. and i think the more we ignore that, the worse this feeling will get. so...lets stop ignoring it. i know we all just did exactly that, i saw it happen, i was part of it, i get the reasons why. but its delaying the inevitable, and more importantly, we're hurting other people because of it. so...lets just get it over with, it cant be any more embarassing than burying our heads in the sand.

[tiodolma]

You know that moodboard you reblogged of Merlin and Morgana not being able to sleep? You know what occurred to me?

I'm thinking of season 3. These two with their love/hate thing and UST going on and their fights about evil plans, and you know... What if in one of those heating discussions, Morgana accidentally blurts out that she felt something and a lot of things for Merlin before the poisoning fiasco and then Merlin admitting the same.

And like both are in their minds... 😳 Oh, crap, what did I just said? So, both flee from each other, because this isn't good at all and neither can now sleep because of the whole situation. 😂😂

..... ok meta time

I think morgana has been honest enough even in s3 though (heck through s4-s5). Merlin is the more guarded one.

Based on Colin Morgan’s interpretation in many interviews, Merlin was the one who was self-aware enough that he loved her and deeply cared for her at some point. The show confirms that sort of acting decision coz he’s also always revealing his true feelings for her in front of kilgharrah and gaius. (plus the other character/actors have talked about it)

Meanwhile Katie Mcgrath doesn’t characterize Morgana in that way: that Morgana was self-aware enough that she loved him. I am of the opinion that Morgana was still on her way to falling in love with him when Fires of IDirsholas happened. All we know is that she deeply feels for him to the point where even Morgause didn't seem to know the whole depth of her feelings. KM insists that Morgana only wanted Merlin’s honesty and trust. We can see it In the show. Morgana had always told Merlin what she felt about him.

So if there was one who should admit their feelings then it should be Merlin.

Morgana already laid out everything she felt for him from S1-S3: “you are the actual hero here!” “I am your friend” "i don't feel so alone here," "i trust merlin” "you’re a good friend” “i have magic, merlin” “I now know what i am”. “i am afraid merlin” “i get that you only wanted to protect your friends” “i am upset that i was poisoned and you hurt me” “why should i care about people who dont care about me?” “Uther hates me and everyone like me” “you dont know how it is be be an outsider” “i thought we were friends then why are you against me if you understand me like what you claimed” “how can you hope to understand” “i dont really get you.” “Make me understand, merlin” "you're just a pathetic lowly serving boy to me," "you're a thorn in my side," "you condemned me to live in this poor state."

Meanwhile merlin is always like "i care for her", "i trust her," "she should be told that magic can be a force for good and it can be a gift" "she has a good heart," "she’s my friend," "i know her," "i feel sad for her," "she’s undergoing a hard time," "i understand her most of all," "i shouldnt have trusted her," "i dont wanna be bitter, angry and so full of hate like her," "i will never be like her," "i thought we were the same”

---but he says these only To the dragon and Gaius.

See how they contrast? With regards to to his feelings for Morgana, Merlin is only honest to his bosses, meanwhile Morgana is honest of her feelings for Merlin towards Merlin himself.

Merlin and Morgana were never meeting/fighting on the same ground.

It's honestly heartbreaking, especially since Merlin never holds back on saying the same wonderful words of affirmation to Arthur, to Gwen, to the Knights, to Freya, to literally everybody else.. but he could never say them to Morgana's face.

btw saying only "i understand" and not much else sometimes isn't enough anymore.

....

I honestly do not know what else Morgana could say that will push Merlin to honesty. I think she might as well strip herself naked and he still wouldn't give in (and s4 showed us that he can and will use that kind of weakness against her. he already used her nightmares against her after all).

All I’m saying is that Morgana had always been so so so vulnerable and raw in front of him. Normally that would give an opening to the other person to let down their guard and rely on her. (see agravaine, helios, aithusa, mordred)

But Merlin never did that. He had so many chances to tell her the truth and be vulnerable himself but he never allowed himself that kind of right in front of her. We know that he desperately wanted to but he couldn't because had been repeatedly and ceaselessly warned/conditioned/brainwashed/manipulated that it was the worst idea, that going against his job orders will have consequences.

.....

But as they are in s3? where they are just free to pursue whatever goals they have independent of each other... with how radicalized and extremist they both already are? With how Merlin has already lost at least 4 loved ones for the sake of protecting camelot and destiny (sunken cost fallacy and all that)? nah. I can't see him being honest to anyone, especially enemies who have done and said things he morally detests, anymore.

Personally i think the only way for merlin to finally tell her his truth is to trap both them in some situation where they have to work together, or where morgana’s magic isnt enough , or where they both have no magic, or where the have joint responsibility of another life. THEY HAVE TO BE TRAPPED. TRAP THEM TOGETHER.

[honeyviscera]

hihiii !! ^O^ hope you dont mind me sending this so suddenly :"D i saw the post thingy ab the questions and it seemed fun !! so if you dont mind:

1, 17, 28 ( + maybe 38 ) ?

( also i hope youre doing well !! ^^ <333 / p )

hiii kiwi!! always nice to hear from you!! (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) and of course i don't mind!! i reblogged the ask game bc i wanted asks :3 i hope you're doing well too <3 anyways, without further ado:

1 - what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

hmmm..... on a bit of a sad note, when i was a kid/young teen, i was always very much an outcast. people consistently found me weird and offputting, and i was very lonely. but i remained true to myself no matter what-- i knew it was pointless to try and "fit in" (because i'd always do it "wrong" anyways)-- so i have a very strong sense of who i am, and i am determined to love myself no matter what. it is also because of this that i'm so determined to be kind. i want to make others feel welcome and loved around me. i don't want to ever treat anyone the way i was treated. i know how much it hurts to be alone, so i want to do what i can to ensure that it won't happen to the people around me. so that's thing #1.

uhhh secondly! for a more lighthearted example, i'd say being in fandom! i've always kind of just kept to myself and have never been involved in major drama, so fandom has always been a favourable experience for me. it started when i was a young teen on pinterest just staring at (what i now know was stolen) fanart and obsessing over my faves, and now i'm on tumblr doing the exact same thing years later! but now i have online friends :) my interests have always brought me so much joy, and having a space to obsess over them as much as i want has just made me even more passionate i think. :3

thirdly, i'd say jazz music. my parents love jazz and play it very often at home. it's a genre i grew up listening to, so it just feels warm, familiar, and home-like. it also inspired me to learn the saxophone in junior and senior high school, and i loved playing jazz songs with others. jazz has been with me for so long :,)

17 - name 3 things that make you happy

oooh ok!!! 1. i love making art, so whenever i get a chance to sit down and make something it's just so nice :))) and i love admiring my creations afterward. 2. i love spending time with my friends! hanging out with them always makes me feel warm. 💖💖 3. my beloved matching bokuto + akaashi nendoroids!!!! i love them so much im so happy to have them. my beloved beloved sons. i love them so much im so lucky i found them at the mall :,)

28 - do you collect anything?

as you might have suspected from my above answer, i collect anime figures! my collection is still very small as i started fairly recently (and my parents are always on me about spending my money more wisely), but i love collecting them!! you can see what figures i have and which ones i want on my myfigurecollection.net profile! ^_^

the two top figures on my wishlist are the new miku x cinnamoroll nendoroid (aaaaaa) and. literally any kaito figure. they really haven't made many......... i need one though :( my little guy :(

38 - fave song at the moment?

i'd say loneliness of spring by inabakumori! the official english cover of it is really good as well. it captures a lot of things i've been feeling lately.......

im also obsessed with chogakusei's newest cover, konton boogie !! :0 it's so good, as his covers always are.

[doctorweebmd]

so i saw you reblogging this https://www.tumblr.com/doctorweebmd/738744278835150848 (i hope the link will work?? it's the post about wanting to write soul snatching stories etc) and i wanted you to know that everything you wrote for a litany of love and loss is this to me. these two fics are some of my favorite pieces of mha fanfic and honestly count among my favorite pieces of writing of all time. they killed me dead. i left a comment but i keep thinking about it so i thought i'd reiterate because i cried my eyes out questioned my existence and dissociated for two (2) whole hours while listening to the playlist. i still listen to the playlist on the regular and think about the Themes and Execution and Story Choices and how well everything fit together and ahgghhgh. there are sentences in the first part that just. live in my head rent free. ("when i was god, i weighed the scales of the world against your continued existence, and found the answer obvious" aaaoughhhh oof i can't cope) i don't have the words but i'm so excited to read it again when it'll have settled in my mind a bit.

(and like. in general while im bad at commenting i love your writing, ive ate up everything you've written for mha and i kinda want to get into bsd just so i can read your recent pieces. so. there you go qidjkskfif i hope it's ok to send this. i'm going on anon because social anxiety is a bitch)

(╥﹏╥) i literally have tears in my eyes. honestly honestly. this is embarrassing i dont even know how to express my gratitude - i've just been sitting here trying to find a way to thank you for this without sounding insane lmao. it feels like you reached across time and space and pulled me out of a self-deprecating spiral lmao thank you so much for your kindness and for taking the time to write this like. you dont know how much it means. haha. lol?

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THATS ONE OF MY FAVORITE LINES. Because Deku literally IS a god in the shape of a boy. He has infinite power and such a finite heart. And he loves so completely and so deeply and not only could it destroy him it could destroy EVERYTHING around him. Every time I think of Izuku growing up never having met Katsuki... just how gray the world must have looked in front of him... aldfjalksdfjlaks argh!!! don't have me thinking about it i am ON MY KNEES

and. honestly. i'm 100% there with you on the social anxiety thing. obviously i'm a huge slut for comments but still kinda struggle with leaving them which is SO HYPOCRITICAL AHHH. this is more than i could ever ask. like. i am kissing you sloppy for this. no joke i screenshot-ed this. it is in my camera roll. you are a part of me.

(also YES YES PLEASE come to the dark side. watch bsd. become mentally ill about a significantly inferiorly written this batshit anime. i'm struggling out here. its so good to be a bkdk honestly)

[ankhisms]

ok one lovely person said they wanted to read the writing practice i mentioned being tentative about sharing so here <3 i have some notes and thoughts as well included. since the dont reblog function is still broken pls dont rb this thanks

as a disclaimer i am very rusty with prose which is why im trying to practice it at all since ive mainly been writing poetry and not any prose for the past few years since i felt discouraged about writing prose but now im trying to get myself to practice again. also one thing im aware of is that i have a tendency to accidentally switch between tenses so if you notice that yes i know its something im working on. also both of these arent finished they have gaps between action and thoughts which ive noted in the text

for this first one i havent written the beginning establishing the setting and everything but the premise is hiromu has a dream where he and enter are sitting at a cafe in paris and shenanagins ensue. well not really shenanagins its just a conversation i think their dynamic is interesting and i wanted to explore it in a more neutral not battle related setting so thats why i wrote this

---

(beginning and descriptions of surrounding add here)

hiromus narrows his eyes, "did you hack into my dreams?"

this causes enter to scoff, "really, red buster, you wound me," he rests his chin against his palm and explains, "i havent hacked into anything. you called me here."

"thats ridiculous," says hiromu, blunt even when sleeping.

enter smiles, "oui, ridiculous, perhaps,  but it is true none the less. it would be rude of me to refuse an invitation, dont you agree?" he pauses, and leans over the table to add, "besides, i wouldnt lie to you- at least not here."

hiromu doesnt like that one bit, nor does he believe anything enter could possibly say. still, its not as if enter had invaded his subconciousness and just started torturing him with computer cables. compared to the more avian related nightmares hiromu had, this was pretty tame.

he briefly tries to recall anything he could have possibly read before, even in passing, about how to wake yourself up from a dream. unfortunately for hiromu the only thing that comes to mind is how to wake up a buddyroid from sleep mode. too bad he doesnt just have some kind of power switch like nick or usada. but maybe something similar to that could work, some kind of jolt to his system. people pinch themselves when theyre dreaming, right? or was it something about holding your breath? hiromu cant remember which one is supposed to work, so with a deep inhale he starts pinching his arms.

to enters credit, he doesnt immediately laugh like a madman upon seeing hiromus cheeks puffed out while he frantically pinches his arms. the most he lets out is a quick snort, before reaching over the table to pat hiromus cheek, "your manners are awful," enter says, "weve only just said hello and youre already trying to wake up. you cant possibly hate me that much, mon cher."

the hand against his cheek is warm. of course, most peoples hands should logically be warm to touch, but not enters. the projection of a human shouldnt be warm. did jin ever feel warm? hiromu doesnt feel keen about playing back all the moments during battle when enter had gotten close enough to possibly feel some kind of heat. thus, thinking about his avatar team mate is the better option. except he cant recall any time jin had ever felt warm either. does a dream offer an avatar more humanity somehow?

hes thought about it for too long perhaps, because he hasnt replied and enter is starting to look at him curiously, and so hiromu decides he can dwell on it when hes actually awake. he lets out his breath and swats away enters hand with a scowl for good measure. enter feigns an exaggerated pout, but then he settles back in his seat all the same, keeping his hands to himself.

hiromus cheek still feels warm and itchy, but hell be damned if he lets enter know something he did got under his skin. this too is like a battle, the enemy can find weaknesses even in the smallest of movements. he restrains himself from scratching his face, opting instead to glare more at enter across the table.

his enemy looks different in the cerebral parisian landscape theyve found each other in. for one thing, hes actually wearing civillian clothes rather than his usual long coat or any of his attempts at disguising himself. with enter perched opposite of him wearing a dark turtle neck and a caramel sweater, hiromu is struck by the jarring realization that the avatar almost looks like a normal person. almost, if one didnt already know that the man sitting there was made of code rather than flesh and bone.

eyeing him carefully, hiromu thinks that he catches the slightest glitch at the edge of enters face, an abnormality that is gone by the time hiromu has noticed it. enter may have decided to wear something a little more reasonable for this encounter, but he still isnt fooling hiromu. even in a fashionable sweater theres something off about him.

the rest of his attire aside, he does still have those ridiculous goggles pushed up against his brow, because of course he does. he would fit the part of a cafe loving paris tourist better if he had a silly little beret instead of his trusty eyeware, but hiromu doesnt particularly feel like pointing that out. seeing enter flounce around in a beret isnt exactly an enjoyable thought at the moment.

(add something here)

"ive heard about people going to paris for the first time and getting sick from the shock of how dirty it is," hiromu says, "you should be glad it doesnt smell here."

enters nose wrinkles, "dont say that, you'll ruin my appetite"

"so you have an appetite? its not like you need to eat, right?"

the avatar shrugs, and carefully picks up his fork, saying, "i may have no need for food to survive, but that doesnt mean i cant enjoy it." enter takes his time with slicing off a chunk of the lemon cake between them, and continues, "theres things humans dont need but do none the less, non? your lives are so short after all, why not chase after every little pleasure."

seeming satisfied with himself, enter takes a bite, eyes closed with an exaggerated look of bliss. whatever emotion it is that enter has been trying to elicit from hiromu, hes just growing more annoyed, rolling his eyes and pointedly turning his body away from the cake.

(add something here)

hiromu stands up with a jolt, and the screeching sound of his chair breaks what little illusion of idle cafe chatter this dream had left to offer. he fumes, fists clenched with his gaze set firmly on enter, who only barely looks up to offer a smug smile.

"we," hiromu spits out the word disdainfully, "are nothing alike. theres nothing to compare between us."

despite the outburst of his dining companion, enters expression remains unchanged. if anything, hiromus insistance upon distancing himself has only amused enter further. he laughs, throwing up his hands half heartedly, as if they were old friends having a casual debate rather than mortal enemies with their blades always at each others throats.

"i suppose we should leave it at that then," enter reaches for one final bite of cake, clearly enjoying himself, "this has been lovely, you really should invite me more often, ma puce."

"go to hell," hiromu tells him, and lunges to try and land a punch against that awful smile.

by the time hiromus fist reaches where enters face would have been, the avatar has already disintegrated into a burst of code. orange numbers and the distant sound of laughter linger for a moment in the air, before hiromu blinks awake in his room.

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this second one i wrote before the first one and im still not very happy with it and might scrap it and try to rewrite it. i couldnt decide what point of view i wanted to write it from between third person pov or vaguely enter talking so it feels muddled to me. this was mainly a kind of train of thought because i had and still have a lot of thoughts about the avatars and what it means to be human and what it means to be an avatar and if they can feel things etc along with enter and escape being their own people and having their own identities and lives. but i feel like i didnt exactly get all the thoughts that i wanted to convey across very well so again im probably going to rewrite this at some point lmao

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86 billion neuron cells, with another million billion synapses connecting the spaces in between, all sending information to and from the brain, the extremities and sensory organs having gathered data from the outside worlds stimulation in order to help the human machine function.

  from ancient calculating tables and tally sticks, to early machines reading punch cards, to alan turings first thought of the modern computer, you could trace an avatars lineage back to the very first time a human began to count just as easily as you could to any of these.

enter and escape are not any of the doomed researchers that crossed the gap between dimensions, whos data was cleanly picked apart from their miserable mortal bones and woven back into the code of their forms. perhaps you can not fault those same humans for their squeamishness at the thought of any person being undone in such a way, let alone a family member. really, nature has functioned like this long before the first digital computer ever graced the earth with its code.

when a deer falls dead in the forest its body becomes food for the rest of the life among the trees, and in time its flesh decomposes and turns to soil. another one bites the dust only to offer up a meal for the starving masses. you are born, you die, and someone finds a way to steal from you long after youre gone. c'est la vie, as we say.

think of it, dear reader, as such; a thousand photos lie before you of humans. pictures of people from across the world, some of them seeming familiar and some of them with faces unknown to you. you can thumb through as many as youd like, but in the end you will always come to the same realization that somewhere, within these people, are bits and pieces of yourself. this one, looking off camera against a gray sky, has your nose. this person, leaning against a bridge and failing to strike a good pose, has your eyes. the next person will have your smile, ectera ectera. you get the picture- ha.

even if you were not flipping through a book of old family records you would still spot bits of yourself in people far away and long dead. this, mon cher, is how i see best fit to consider what it means to be created from composite data, for i assure you one need not be an avatar to be formed in such a way. you have been strung together from bits and pieces of every person your ancestors ever loved.

love, ah. thats another subject we must discuss, sooner or later, i suppose. can a machine love? really now, i wish you would find something else to ask. anything else would be a more stimulating topic of conversation. why must we agonize over such messy details? humans simply can not stop themselves from philosophizing until theyve got nothing left to make a philosophy out of.

what does it matter if a machine could or couldnt love, when plenty of stinking humans have never even thought to act on the very principle they obsess over. love. let us not get sidetracked by such nonsense, we still have other aspects to examine.

delete that last input, page back with me, now think again on the subject of data, and of rebirth. the doomed researchers are not escape, nor are they enter, just as much as you are not the person who first gave you a specific gene in your dna. the researchers were a sample for an experiment greater than any they had ever run through before. do you get it now? do you understand? of course you wouldnt. humans are foolish enough to think they are one of a kind.

   forget about if a machine loves, just what can an avatar feel? if their coding is to be equated to the human nervous system, then is it so hard to consider that they too could find the many vices of the earth pleasurable? enter cursed himself for spoiling messiah, having given the virus too much of a taste of just how splendid human suffering could feel. he was taught pleasure too soon, and greed was already something he knew from birth. enter should have known better than to offer up a plate of food he could not continue to harvest sustainably- not yet, at least. especially when the one gobbling down that harvest throws a tantrum the moment its all gone.

really, is it so terrible to ask for a thank you once in a while? you would think that after devoting your existence entirely to a single being, you might get a few bones thrown your way. in this we could draw another parallel between the humans and machine, where enter is scorned by his messiah in the same vein as humans praying for salvation from some unforgiving god.

i am drifting off course. forgive me, you see a machine can ramble just as easily as a human, non?

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ok yay thanks if you read all or any of this honestly i appreciate it. id love any feedback anyone has including constructive criticism from writer friends but i just ask that you maybe try to be a little gentle with me and remember that im very rusty yknow but i do still appreciate any thoughts or helpful tips thank u again mwah