#I am submitting to the mortifying ordeal of being known

[skyrim-forever]

Meet Your Memer

Hi everyone! This is my about me post :) You all can call me Eve and on this blog you'll find all things Skyrim, primarily my homegrown memes :P I also like to write and will often reblog memes about writing. And I've also been deluded by tesblr into thinking I can write so sometimes there will be Skyrim fanfic. This is also my main blog (I know, I went all in on Skyrim) and feel free to tag me in anything Skyrim! Here are a few more basics about me that I feel comfortable sharing:

Age: 25

Sexuality: Bisexual

Occupation: Grad Student working in Language Revitalization

Location: PST

Nationality: Canadian

Hobbies: Outside of Skyrim I enjoy baking, art, gaming (Hades, Hollow Knight, Assassin's Creed, Stardew Valley) and fashion.

Some Skyrim specific fun facts:

Favourite Faction: The Dark Brotherhood

Favourite Follower: Teldryn Sero

Spouse: Normally I download the Teldryn Serious mod and marry him :P

Favourite mod: Interesting NPCs, it just adds so many cool people, it's a must-have for me now.

Confession: I've never actually fully completed the main quest line :P I'm also so busy with everything else that I forget about Alduin (oops)

My dms, replies and ask box are always open so feel free to come say hi! It's been awesome getting to know the cool people of tesblr and I'd love to get to know more of you <3

[wispforever]

exalt

[rubensmuse]

nothing more humiliating than being an extremely avoidant bitch who wears her heart on her sleeve. like ok all i have to do is keep this problem quiet and not let it show on my face and then i can handle it by myself and i won't have to deal with the emotional consequ"is everything okay?" NO NO IT'S NOT & ALSO IF I DON'T TELL YOU ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW I'LL FUCKING

EXPLODE

[soundsfaebutokay]

Get to know me better!

Tag 10 people you wanna know better

Thank you for the tag: @amzngdevil 💕💕💕

I just realized that I've been on tumblr for more than a year (!!!) so maybe it's time to get over my reticence and start having fun with these question games. So here we go!

Relationship status: happily single

Favorite colour(s): pink and green

Favorite food: mmmmm, adobong manok sa gata (chicken adobo in coconut milk)

Song stuck in my head: The Old Witch Sleep and the Good Man Grace by The Amazing Devil. (In my head I am screaming this out very dramatically. I deserve an Oscar for acting normal actually.)

Last thing you googled: Sarah Snook Joel Fry Persuasion (yeah, that's the Persuasion adaptation we should've gotten in a better world but apparently it was cancelled because they didn't wanna compete with Netflix 😭😭😭)

Time: 4:15 AM

Dream trip: A tour of all the great gardens of the world

Last thing you read: currently rereading The Silmarillion

Last book you enjoyed reading: The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle (last month)

Last book you hated reading: Atonement by Ian McEwan. UGH.

Favorite thing to cook/bake: Sinigang (meat and vegetables in tamarind broth)

Favorite craft to do in your free time: pressed flower art, seashell and driftwood mobiles, futzing around on a free online photo editor and making TAD lyric postcard thingies

Most niche dislike: TV gardeners planting mature trees without removing the wire and burlap wrapping from around the root ball. WHY. WHYYYYY. JUST TAKE IT OFF GODDAMMIT HAVE MERCY ON THAT POOR TREE!!!

Opinion on circuses: the fictional one in The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern was fantastic. The real one in Germany that features holographic animals seems cool. Also, acrobats are superhuman.

Do you have any sense of direction? NO. I have to check which one of my arms has a birthmark whenever I'm asked to tell left from right, if that gives you an idea.

Tell us about your D&D character: I don't have one. :( I don't know anyone irl who plays D&D. :( :( :(

Tag-list (you don't need to do this if you don't want it!): @spoonietimelordy @warlordess @trekkiepirate @hockles @arleney @wren-of-the-woods @ereborne @miriel-therindes @crescendoofstars @onetwothreemany

[foxboy-yakumo]

[crimson phantom yakumo intimacy room spoilers]

ok hi hey hello. i'm back with another post/essay because i've just formulated another few observations:

1) first of all, yakumo cries during his last intimacy room at several points. like he has animated tears roll down his face. i thought this was a neat detail. i managed to catch a screenshot which I'll include in the reblogs section of the notes so that there's no visual spoilers here.

2) in yakumo's first four Homecoming rooms, and I think in a few other places as well (I think mostly throughout the main plotline), he's referred to as being "warm." this is an interesting contrast with his most recent Crimson Phantom rooms, in which eiden refers to him as being "ice-cold" and implies at various points in time that he's naturally cold blooded.

now, the Cocoa Liqueur and Ocean Breeze ssrs have evaded me despite my best efforts, and I haven't unlocked the last Homecoming room yet, so I am missing some context, and this is just my best guess, but...

given that he also seems to generally angle his face or mouth so that his fangs are at least obscured, and in all previous versions of him, his eyes tend to have a bit of a "plausible deniability" about whether they have slit pupils or not (more "pill" shaped than actually pointed at the bottoms; gives a round enough quality that I didn't even realize they were longer than normal until it was pointed out)...

...i have concluded that all of these features showing up at once (fangs, slit eyes, cold blood) where there is evidence that they were absent or dampened before... means that this is yakumo's equivalent to kuya letting his ears out.

[boydykepdf]

um hello beloved tumblr mutuals....does anyone wanna hear the rough draft of the silly little song i'm making...perchance....

[pochapal]

hey pochapal what pronouns do you use? I've been using they/them to refer to you due to "No Identity Head Empty" but I wanted to make sure I wasn't accidentally misgendering you this whole time

to learn of my pronouns you must first travel down the sweetfish river to my beloved home of old

anyway the For Real Pochapal Pronoun Situation is that my birth gender exploded years ago and all the pieces are still yet to coalesce and reform into something resembling a solid and viable gender or identity. so like genuinely the pronoun stuff is whatever. i've tried on and taken off all of the Big Three pronoun sets many times over so like. they/them is fine as a neutral catchall? i don't really Have pronouns solidly enough to be misgendered with at this current point in time lol.

[crispycostumes]

keeping the romance alive with my friends (i sent a screenshot of a funny post that had the word love and friendship in it while comparing it to us)

[cipheramnesia]

I'm convinced I'm the most annoying person in the world (bold, daring claim), while also constantly worried I might be at least a little bit correct. However, no amount of certainty with regard to how aggravating my presence may be had changed my behavior. Because irritating or annoying other people is a source of great anxiety to me, from the above equation we can derive the proof that I am submitting to the mortifying ordeal of being known, and I'm being so brave about it.

[impostoradult]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 (special Bi Updates edition), 7, 8, 9, 10, 11/X

[Image IDs: Image 1: Nick Nelson and Charlie Spring, wearing school uniforms, stand side-by-side in a doorway as if they have just bumped into each other. Between them is a screenshot text post which reads: "the inherent hi of saying hello.

Image 2: In his dimly lit bedroom, Charlie Spring lays on his back staring up at the ceiling. Above him is a text post image that reads: "It sure is fun being private and closed off but just once or twice i would like to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known without it being such a mortifying fucking ordeal.

Image 3: Charlie Spring, pictured in close up, stares intently at Nick Nelson (who is pictured only from the back of the head). Charlie appears to be speaking to Nick with a somewhat serious expression. Next to Charlie's head is a text post image that reads: "hey, wanna come over? i live right at the intersection oof desperate longing for human connection and unrelenting terror at the thought of getting too close to anyone."

Image 4: Close up on Nick Nelson's face as he tightly hugs Charlie Spring. (Charlie is only visible from behind). Nick has a very perturbed expression as he grips Charlie. Below Nick's face is a text post image that reads: "do you know how scary it is to acknowledge how strong your feelings are for someone and your brain is like 'maybe you love them' and you're like SHUT THE FUCK UP BRAIN YOU DONT KNOW SHIT"

Image 5: Charlie Spring sits on the floor of a dimly lit room facing Nick Nelson, who is a bit blurry and in profile. Charlie gazes very intently at Nick and has an expression of both trepidation and longing. Below Charlie's face is a text post image that reads: "im so vulnerable rn if you flirt with me even jokingly i will picture us married with seven dogs and a log cabin having unspeakable sex."

Image 6: Pictured in close up is Charlie Spring lying in his bed. His blankets are pulled up to his chin and he is staring up at the ceiling with an expression of grim contemplation. Above his head is a text post image that reads: "the inherent embarrassment in desiring anything"

Image 7: Pictured in close up and in profile are Charlie Spring and Nick Nelson. Their faces are close and Nick grips Charlie's face lovingly. They are clearly poised to kiss. Below Nick's face is a text post image that reads: "i can't stop thinking about how your lips felt on mine."

Image 8: Covered in glowing light are Nick Nelson and Charlie Spring sitting next to each other in front of a drum set. They are facing each other and clearly in the middle of a conversation as Nick holds the drum sticks still over the drums. Across Nick's chest is a text post image that reads: "seduces u with evil tricks like caring about u and wanting to hear about ur day"

Image 9: Nick Nelson and Charlie Spring stand in front of the snack counter at a movie theater displaying a popcorn machine. Nick's hand is scratching at his neck nervously, and he's clearly avoiding Charlie's gaze. Charlie is staring directly at Nick and appears very amused. Across Charlie is a text post image that reads: "if you're not even a little bit cringe how else am i supposed to fall in love with you"

Image 10: In a bright outdoor setting Charlie Spring is pictured in close-up wearing a collared flannel shirt. He is gazing at Nick Nelson (barely pictured from behind). Charlie has an expression of profound joy and happiness on his face. Next to Charlie's face is a text post image that reads: "love is insane you feel like you're always subtly asking 'do you still love me even though i'm flawed' and the answer just keeps being yes"

/end of ID]

[morningstarwrites]

I just want to say that your fic is supper amazing, it’s very interesting and enthralling. It has been what I’ve been looking forward to every Friday! You have been apart of some of my inspiration to start getting into writing Fan fiction. I do have a question, what inspires you, and how do you chose the word choices you’re using. I love the fic so much and I think your writing is amazingggg

THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS! And ohhh, I love when people start writing fanfic bc of something I wrote, I am so happy you are doing that 🥹

I LOVE reading, and I LOVE the English language. I would devour thesauruses if I can. I also pay a lot of attention to writing conventions and grammar so that I can use 'em (and break 'em)! And - at this point, I feel like I've read millions of books in my life!

Here are some of my inspirations:

Fave Poet: E. E. Cummings. Just WOW. I get such a thrill parsing out his poetry. For example, his poem: l(a (A Leaf Falls with Loneliness). I never knew you could play with space in this way! Check out the analysis to get a full picture of his creativity.

Fave (Classic) Literature: Lord of the Flies by William Golding. Don't knock on it just bc you were forced to read it in school, okay, it is truly a masterclass in violence, the usage of metaphors, and how to write the most nail-biting tension! I've reread it many times!!

Fave Essayist: Tim Kreider from The New York Times. His words have affected me deeply, profoundly. He really knows how to WRITE! He's the one who wrote "If we want the rewards of being loved we must submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known." Which, by the way, it MAY have been a meme, but it rearranged my brain structure.

Fave Fanfiction: Of the Northmost Winds and Skies by @jjackfrost. For context: I stumbled upon this fic in a Twitter thread in 2022. I have never shipped these two characters. I am not a part of this fandom. BUT GOD, THIS FIC CHANGED MY LIFE! Since then I've reread it over and over again. I basically treat it as a novel! I have never seen anyone write a fanfiction like this. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE! It is so intricate and written with absolute intention - like it was clearly well thought-out, and it wrapped up in a way that made sense. Also it had an agonizing SLOW-BURN romance that destroyed me, okay. I love it and will be rereading it till the end of my days.

Anyway, that was just a handful. I'm sure I have more but this was getting too long already!!

[bildad-the-shuhite-official]

Hurt/Comfort fanfic recommendations

A late night by wilywitchwahoo G, 400 words, h/c, insecure aziraphale, crying Crowley comforts his sad angel.

Your warmth is all I have by katterv T, 900 words, physical injury, mild blood, (gorgeous) fanart included Aziraphale is hurt, unconscious and so, so cold. Crowley hates it.

Morning Glory by HopeCoppice T, 1k, hurt/comfort, gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, genderfluid crowley, fem-presenting Crowley, insecurity, body image Crowley wakes early; Aziraphale watches him worry.

Your Effervescent Tears Cleanse My Core by TotallySnowy G, 1.1k, panic attacks, cuddling, aziraphale needs a hug It all started on a rather normal day in southeastern Londen, at specifically 4:05 AM in the morning, Aziraphale awoke with a start. Very, very peculiar for an angel, lest a nobel one at that. What was even more peculiar is that Aziraphale could feel his face become flushed. Quite peculiar indeed.

Evening Star by HopeCoppice T, 1.6k, insecurity, body dysmorphia, hurt/comfort, cuddling, non sexual intimacy, non sexual nudity Aziraphale seems reluctant to join Crowley in bed, and Crowley is determined to get to the bottom of it.

All Good Hearts are Heavy by Sarah_hadeschild G, 1.8k, depression, depressed crowley, fluff, hurt/comfort, protective aziraphale Crowley has always dealt with bouts of depression-- periods in which he cannot bring himself to do much more than exist. Over the centuries, he grew accustomed to enduring these episodes on his own. But now, Aziraphale is with him. And although the angel cannot miracle away his lover's distress, he can try the only remedy he knows with any certainty. He can love him.

Counting on your love by that_angels_demon T, 2.2k, insecure Aziraphale, body dysmorphia, kissing, making out, asexual relationship, non-sexual intimacy Having finally confessed their feelings for each other after the (almost) Apocalypse, Crowley and Aziraphale explore the physicality they've always craved. But when long-internalized insecurities come to light, Aziraphale isn't so sure his demon will want this after all…

crack me open, feel me shatter by rattatatosk T, 2.7k, nightmares, Crowley’s fall, body horror, hurt/comfort Crowley dreams of the Fall. Aziraphale is there to catch him when he wakes.

To Exist and Love by IneffableDoll T, 3.1k, hurt/comfort, acephobia, asexuality, south downs cottage, hurt crowley, ace affirming, fluff Crowley runs into someone who says some bigoted nonsense about the asexual nature of his and Aziraphale’s relationship. It leaves him fuming, so when he returns home to his angel, they talk through it and navigate the complex feelings and hurts the interaction brings up. Basically: A very ace-affirming spite fic.

Flight and Fight by Phantom531 T, 3.3k, panic attack, post season 2, hurt aziraphale, angry crowley, hurt/comfort, angst Aziraphale has a panic attack and reaches for the only person he ever needed. Unfortunately, Crowley is still REALLY angry.

Crossfire by NuriaSchnee M, 4.7k, locked, post Armageddon’t, love confessions, hurt/comfort, showering together, non-sexual intimacy, first kiss In which a shower can solve 6000 years of secrets and misunderstandings. Or: Aziraphale finally breaks down at Crowley's flat and Crowley takes care of him.

I Forgive You by Sparkling12 M, 6.3k, post season 2, hurt Aziraphale, aftermath of torture, hurt/comfort, love confessions, bathing, cuddling Crowley taking care of his traumatised angel, while plotting revenge on Metatron. Part of a series: -  I Forgive You

Come as you are by fruitygoblin M, 10k, body dysmorphia, insecurity, wall sex Aziraphale visits a modern art gallery, goes on a diet, and submits to the mortifying ordeal of being known. Not necessarily in that order.

Everything I've Had by AppleSeeds M, 12k, human AU, chronic illness, chronic pain, hurt/comfort, bathing/washing, domestic fluff, childhood friends to lovers After developing a chronic illness that leaves him unable to live alone, Crowley moves back home to London where he reunites with his childhood best friend Aziraphale. Aziraphale helps to take care of Crowley and keeps him company while he's in bed, bringing them closer together and reigniting old feelings.

Touch my Tears with Your Lips by IneffableDoll T, 27k, post season 2, season 2 fix it, hurt/comfort, understimulation, making up, trauma, touch starvation, south down cottage In Heaven, there was nothing to touch. Aziraphale re-tied the knot of his bowtie again and again and again. He was alone, and nothing was real, and he was alone, and nothing was real.

[vacuously-true]

The most mortifying ordeal of being known is knowing yourself well enough to write a cover letter and/or personal statement and/or promotional bio and/or statement of interest every other week for years. I know myself too well. I write the same things about myself over and over. I write them in the way I know makes applications look good. Over and over. There's a professional success angle on everything in my life and I only look from that angle and I look really really hard and write down what I see. I can spin anything anything anything to be about my qualifications for YOUR program. I was made for YOU everything in my life has been building up to YOUR conference workshop summer school research experience graduate program. My CV has a link to my website and my website has a link to my Tumblr and if you're reading this because I applied to your program, no you're not. I'm so genuine. I know exactly who I am. I can list my qualifications without even looking at my CV. I'm so qualified. I'm qualified. I'm just qualified. All I have are qualifications. I don't know how to talk about myself except to talk about my qualifications. Maybe I don't know myself at all. Maybe the mortifying ordeal is over. Submit application.

[herotome]

Devlog #123

Hi-ho, Wudge here.

So... it's out! If you somehow haven't heard despite my modest-yet-incessant marketing efforts, Herotome's Super Demo is now out on itch.io!

People seem to really enjoy the game. My notifications are blowing up. Everything seems to be going really well - it's all coming up Wudge, one might say!

Which means it's time to talk about 𝓜𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓪𝓵 𝓘𝓵𝓵𝓷𝓮𝓼𝓼.~

Y'all weren't expecting that one, were ya? Boom, baby! Haha!!!

So, let me know if this sounds familiar: I spend most of my waking moments worrying that something bad is going to happen. I'm perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop. (Thank you to @hummingbird-games for reminding me that idiom exists, and taking it in good humor when I excitedly babbled that "YES! It's like there's this giant centipede with shoes in my ceiling and I'm convinced I hear him walking around and someday, someday he's gonna throw all his shoes at me like that one guy did to George Bush--!"

...I'm worried that someone is going to find a reason to be rightfully angry with me. I'm worried that, through the mortifying ordeal of being known, I will be punished with the harrowing gauntlet of rejection and misery. I worry that, any day now, I'm going to get a random half-thought-out message that obliterates my heart into smithereens and kills me on the spot. I am a sea slug, cautiously edging a tendril into the light and praying not to be noticed by the eldritch fish above that will devour me in a single gulp.

I find myself flinching even when there isn't a blow coming.

Putting out a piece of yourself for the public to consume is really fucking terrifying. I did it anyway, which is cool of me, but I want to make it known that there is not eternal bliss and satisfaction and rose petals on the other side. Is this better than my cave of solitude and darkness I emerged from? I think so. But I'm still perpetually scared, as Toby Fox might once have described it, "like a small dog startled by a thunder storm."

I'm still really tired, too.

I don't write this to complain; I'm conscious that some people are now looking up to me and the way I do things, and I want to be transparent. I don't want anyone to think I'm perfect or have always been perfect and will always be perfect, or that I've ~found happiness~.

I'm not. I have never been. I will never be. I haven't.

But I'm okay, at least. I'm okay and I'll be okay, and I'm grateful to you all. Every single one of you. Thank you for not submitting me to the harrowing gauntlet of rejection and misery…yet.  :^)

Alright what's the takeaway here. Uhm.

Be yourself! Follow your dreams! Never give up!!!

That's sincerely what I'm trying to do. It's a challenge every single day; I have to choose Herotome every single day (something something married to my own game blah blah blah). It is worth it. And I believe in you - assuming you're not a cannibal or a murder or, worst of all, a plagiarist (gasp!) or anything else terrible and bad - I believe in you. (… But honestly, I'd believe in you if you were a bad person too, I'd believe in you to continue to do bad things but I'd hope that you'll stop and turn yourself in to the proper authorities lmao…)

… I went on a weird tangent again…

I don’t know if any of this is making sense. Maybe it will be insightful to someone out there, maybe it won't.

I uh, did some writing for the next part of the game, and I plan on working on some character expressions today in honor of my Ko-Fi donators.

Oh, and there's gonna be a stream on Wednesday 10pm Pacific. I'll be there! Come say hi and please don't squish me!

… Yeah that's all I can think of writing for now. I absolutely wish you all the best with every speck of love I have in my current flesh prison.

Tata for now. Stay safe and keep warm,

Wudge.

[feycorvus]

nine people I'd like to know better

tagged by my beloved worstie @oddconvictions im jingling malevolently under your bed as i type this

usually im hesitant to do these but in the spirit of post-boopageddon interactivity i will submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known!!

last song: saving me saving you by ruen brothers, just from my shuffled spotify likes

favorite color: if i had to choose a SINGLE colour it would have to be like a nice deep rich wine/rose red but i honestly prefer colours in combinations since i think they look better contextualised by other colours! my fav combinations are red/orange/yellow/brown (autumn!), aquamarine/teal/admiral basically just oceanic bluegreens, and brown/gold

currently watching: a few things!! the main one right now is im binging black butler with my roommate because i missed out on it during its peak but it was like, their Formative Anime so im getting the runthrough before watching the new season. the other one is we're also watching dungeon meshi weekly as it comes out! and lastly ive been (very willingly) dragged into watching stargate since it's another friend's Obsession Show and its yet another thing that's up until now not been on my radar

sweet/savory/spicy: how am i supposed to choose between savoury and spicy.

relationship status: single but im not entirely sure if its because im aroace or because the whole gender thing means i dont like the idea of someone being attracted to me in a relationship context. which is weird because im a vain little peacock who likes flirting and being flirted with and i WILL preen if complimented by friends or strangers. whats up with that. gender and sexuality are weird. we'll see how i feel in a few years when ive been on T a while

current obsession: it's been solidly kingdom hearts since like january. help. this is also my roommate's fault it was another formative childhood obsession of theirs that they inflicted on me after i mentioned i was unspoiled for the entirety of the series. seriously it was like they smelled blood in the water they insisted they had to watch me play it to see my reactions and I Understand Now

last thing you "googled": "let me in gif eric andre"

tagging: i have no idea who's already done this so sorry if you've already done it!! my dash never ends so i miss a LOT

@sunsetcowboy @jacedoe @miserablecreachur @worm-knight @mostbeautifulsoundyouveeverseen

@trickymxtape @thewaythroughthewoods @anairbri @boxesfullofthoughts

(note that if you want to tag more than 5 people you need to do a line break--thanks marty for pointing it out!!)

[magpiesketchins]

Hyperfixatin's easier alone but also it's more fun with other people but also then you have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known but then also people will say nice things about the things you make and then also you get to look at the things other people make and say nice things about that and---

Which is to say I'm going to continue to be annoying (affectionate affirmation) about Discworld and I have more things to post and so many things out there to read and I am Having Fun.

Send me headcanons n such if you like I'm just enjoying playing ✨