#I can always do better and improve
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I'm not actually a terrible person.
#Notes by Nikki#it's taken decades#years of therapy#medicine#meditation#books#you name it#eating better#getting enough sleep#drinking enough water#but I think#at least for right now#that I don't think that I'm the absolute worst#I can always do better and improve#anxiety doesn't go away just because I'm not as depressed#but I'm all right#so that's nice#mental health#mental illness
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Happy Valentine's Day! (and this blog's first post anniversary!)
#poorly drawn mdzs#better drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#Woah...it's been a whole *year* since I took the leap and uploaded my 'first attempt' art.#It's outdated now but it holds a special place in my heart for the fact it started all of this off.#Calling this 'poorly-drawn' was always about accepting that my art was going to be imperfect and messy - and doing it anyways!#There has been a staggering number of times I have drawn something I almost didn't upload because I didn't think it was 'good enough'#only for someone to say they liked it - or that it made them laugh. And it has helped me realize -#-The worst critic for my work has always been myself. If I listened to it all the time...well we would not be here now B'*)#And now that I have dabbled in other fandoms I can truly see how lucky was to start out with the MXTX fans.#The supportive messages and tags have truly been a guiding force toward my artistic and self improvement.#I really can't describe how grateful I am.#Thank you for seeing something worth rooting for when I was just figuring things out.#Thank you for being sweeter than the candy I have strategically hidden in the nooks and crannies of this house.#But watch out! If you forget to find them we will get ants.#I remembered to not hide chocolate in the bed this year. Yes I know it melted last time. Yes it did stain. I'm still sorry.#Thank you for loving me regardless <3 Even if it looked like I shit the bed real bad.
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They are everything to me.
#hyperixating on THESE two is kinda painful. like wdym half the fandom doesnt like them. they are so awesome??? sickos...#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel charlie#charlie hazbin hotel#hazbin charlie#vaggie#hazbin hotel vaggie#vaggatha#hazbin vaggie#charlie x vaggie#vaggie x charlie#hazbin#chaggie#rainbowmoth#varlie#fallenstar#its always the wlw ships too. like wdym yall d ride mlm??? it be the 12 yr old girls too 😒 /hj#charlie ass? yes pls. also yes i gave charlie a tail. i always give random characters tails if i think they deserve it#i think..... i think im getting better at anatomy guys 😨 (im delulu)#definitely better than my first chaggie posts if yall remember that 😭 oh how i have improved for real... maybe ill make a improvement post#i jst wanted to draw ass bro. i know thats not how psnts work#i want tjem both to be so in love eith eachother that it makes me sick. genuinely please let them be such freaks rhat it makes ne bleed#also can i jst saw how annoying those shoulder pads are?? WHY DO ALL THE MEN + CHARLIE HAVE THEM. MAKE HER DIFFERENG SHES THE MC???#omg i just noticed it looks like shes grinding on her knee. ignore that. but maybe she is who knows?? 😝#dynamic pose test. i think its alroght but i still have stuff to improve... im practing 😈#ugh i just want more charlie being madly in love with Vaggie. not you guys. you guys are doing great mwa mwa /p but i mean the show! like#wheres charlie being lovey to vaggie?? shes literally the embodiment of love why cant she show idk... MORE to vaggie? i 💜 chaggie but... ☹️#gay people make me sick /j#yes. charlie IS lovey to Vaggie.. but.... idk its not to the life sacrificing extent like vaggie does? idk maybe i want fan service like 🤨#OH like charlie going demon mode for vaggie. FINALE DONT COUNT. she already was demon mode. i need vaggie almost DEAD and char swoops in id
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STICKERz
#zeno's art#ocs#ultimate x-calibur#nova starbridge#optico#of course a redraw of jan's new years piece#have i improved? idk#i guess my artstyle is more cartoony now#i want to say i've gotten better at coloring but i used less colors here than i did in jan#this will be the end of the purple period (lying)#also whenever i draw personal art i always feel guilty i've got like 10 comms to do 😭#i hope you guys can forgive me#here's to a year with better art#and also 2024 WILL be the year i start a band it's been my dream it will happen god willing#even tho i've gotta get a gee-tar first... maybe i'll practice my sister's dusty old acoustic to get used to holding them#ok. sorry i was weird this year but thank you all for supporting me!
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Hard year for drawing ideas, so I redrew this old one of Gale and Claire from 2009:
Proportions have improved drastically in the intervening years
#kirehn draws#art#artists on tumblr#my art#redraw#digital art#original was copics and really cheap watercolors and some colored pencil#now it's just ipad I've forgotten how to use actual paper#proportions have improved but there are definitely still issues that got me squinting#but I'm at the point that more hours isn't going to make me like it any better#sort of tempted to do the UV thingie to it I really enjoy doing that#but I've never come up with how it would look for claire#we'll see#I'm very busy with cross stitch v_v#I do really like the redesign on their wings since then but I've always been kind of meh about the horns#but I can never come up with a better alternative I like :/#I need to get a bunch of art put up on the sideblog I think I'm waaaaaay behind on that#how do folks keep up with sideblogs
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anyway
#i dont think the little braid in the back is canon i just thought itd be cute if he had a Hair Ring back there too#a doodley#its okayyy if im improving insanely slow i wont get better if i dont make art that sucks ass <3#need to keep drawing humans again so i can get back to my skills frm couple yrs ago. admittedly still shitty#also ok listen. idk how ppl stylize faces turned further than just to the side bc like...#like it was ok here bc talon has visible face folds always#i know all faces have landmarks but how do u draw a face like this w.o the folds...ykwim...#i need to go look at more art#and stylization.....ughhhh#its gonna take me like 10 years to get to a point where all my skilled peers were when they were 16. lol
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Look a Ninjago drawing :)
#lego ninjago#ninjago#pixal ninjago#ninjago pixal#lego ninjago pixal#pixal#pixal borg#ninjago art#ninjago fanart#my art#I have a feeling you don't actually believe you are good at what you're doing#that's what my therapist said to me last week#and that made me think#when did I started resenting what always made me happy? Because all I feel is that no matter how much I try I'm never happy#I'm in a place where I'll start to get nightmares every time I post something#Don't get me wrong I am so grateful for all the support you guys gave me and I feel really happy with the friends I got here#but things are not balanced#I have been doing art for such a short time and I can see how much I have improved#but if I am not happy with my own art I see no reason to keep doing it#I've only been drawing and getting better because you gave me so much support but the support is not working now#because no matter what I'll never be satisfied with myself#I know I will hate this drawing the moment I post it but everyone following me is a follower because of ninjago and I can't ignore that#So for y'all a drawing
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.
#as uncomfortable as it is i think we - the collective internet as a whole - need to face the reality that many of the left leaning figures#we praise for having progressive values are still lukewarm liberals at best#obviously this is better than the alternative......but it still means they're going to fall short on a lot of key issues and have these#reach across the aisle mentalities. i'm not saying that they can never do good or that their prior actions are meaningless#but if we want them to improve we can't always act like they're changing water to wine for simply wearing a shirt or posting a story#this can also be applied to fandom members and people irl - yes acknowledge the good but beware of overinflating people's progress#it's very easy for people to get into a complacent mindset that they're fine and can swoop in whenever to help#instead of being consistent
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this tree from my new drawing looking goated afffffff 👑👑
#yes this is a nel/vas drawing get off me😂#text#i wanted everyone to see it but also since i draw on paper in total silence i think a lot about everything so i wanted to voice some -#- thoughts too's. tbh i've been veeery self indulgent lately#actually i'm happy that n*lv*s is getting actual hits out of me that i like looking at#especially on-paper stuff that i can recall being fun for me to draw. all traditional art is fun to draw#and digital has turned into an actual task for me (only sometimes tho maybe i;m lying.. mspaint we're still bffs)#i think i just don't see the joy in trying to scrap up a ''' finished ''' piece in an art program .. pencil i love you and i love the -#- feeling of it scratching along the paper....sigh............ Rabu#i don't want my blog or thoughts to turn into traditional art suck-off ventures bc ik not everyone can get into it for many possible -#- reasons but if u feel like it U can ok? do it for Pencil✏️ and for me? for silusvesuius? 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚#but Lord i hope i don't also come off as one of those people that r like 'to improve in art just draw that one fictional character u -#- rly like 😂😂' bruh gtfo my face with that.#i'm noticing 'improvement' in my stuff mainly...i think... because i'm always striving to impress#not so much other people that are here just for my art but more so myself#i have a very huge ego (Mind Battle)#also it makes me sad to think about how big egos or genuine (not obnoxious) flauntiness are looked down on#and i can tell bc i used to look down on people that would express the things i'm expressing now#especially in art focused spaces. now i'd rather be in a circle of artists that love to J*rk off their own brain for it's ideas -#-and talent than be w/ very self-conscious artists that are never expressing pride about any of their work#worse if it's to the point where they actively start to fish for compliments bc of it#fishing for compliments is always OK i just wish it didn't stem from insecurity in that context if that makes sense#but maybe that's very easy for me to say and admit bc i did develop a very big ego around my art and ... Creativity? like it's a sims skill#not that i still don't seek out 'attention' or compliments from others to soothe myself but hmmmmmm i hope u feel me.#it just turns me into a very competitive person#who am i competing with? Myself#i'm always in 'you can do better Because you're YOU' mode#which is much better i believe than comparing yourself 2 other artists#i don't think a lot of people read my tag ramblings but if u do i wonder how one feels about a very pompous artist#like me .......(?)
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Big W for Kailuka enjoyers
#project sekai#vocaloid#kaito vocaloid#luka megurine#megurine luka#kailuka#lukaito#prince's art tag#ok to reblog#any excuse I can find to draw them together I will take#having a rarepair means even if they're always at odds with each other if they can just look at each other you will take it#niigo outfits have a lot of frills if i was putting more effort into it i think i would lose it lolol#also i dont usually draw fingernails but like i think doing so here improved the hands a lot#like i love just looking at these hands bc adding nails made them look so much better
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❤️🫂
#TQM Retro. She's always so sweet#i talk#qsmp talk#Posting because I feel similarly#I mean I already said it on RA but I am still a strong supporter of the project's objective#and I do think it can be improved#this entire situation sucks but it's probably better that it's happening now than later
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Does anybody else feel like mental health awareness has done very little to help them in material reality
#i was gonna say done nothing to help but that seemed too harsh#like there definitely is more knowledge about it now. maybe more people feel comfortable speaking about it which is good#but personally i don't feel that. like idk. workplaces will post about mental health awareness and then do nothing to help employees#the same w universities. my uni cut back the already meager mental health support#and then the government is doing absolutely fuck all as well#like idk im just back in a place i thought id gotten out of long ago and i still don't feel comfortable talking about it with people#maybe that's a me problem or maybe it's cultural or something idk. but in the 10 years ive been depressed (🫠) i don't think it's gotten a#whole lot better. teenagers are still dealing with the same shit i did and they're still not being taken seriously#women's mental health is not even spoken about.....anxiety depression sh eds etc are still ignored or seen as hysterical behaviour in women#or just normal esp with disordered eating. society hasn't changed people still want women to be stick thin and weak#like i know 10 years is a short time and there has been massive improvements in mh awareness if we look back over the past 50+ years#but idk i just think that it hasn't gotten better for a lot of people#i think specifically of belfast and like god. the amount of trauma there is the amount of homelessness the amount of substance abuse#drug abuse in particular that has gotten visibly worse over the past decade or so*#and i connect the dots n see the 2008 recession + a tory gov defunding the nhs + dehumanisation of homeless people & addicts + the troubles#+ ptsd + generational trauma + a negative peace + classism + paramilitary drug dealers + parties linked to those paramilitaries#and its like hmmmm i think we live in a society. and a mental health approach based on individual actions like journaling and meditation#isn't the way to go. or at least is not the be all and end all which is what a lot of mental health awareness raising seems to promote#*visibly worse on the streets. it was always a problem ofc but even a decade ago my parents never imagined it would be as bad as it is now#and it's become so normalised. i do think there's less individualism here than there seems to be elsewhere which can be good and can be bad#but i think we are becoming more and more individualistic. slowly. there's still a sense of community here but i do think it's changing#and callousness towards homeless people is one of the most obvious examples of this.#love when i put a wee asterisk in the tags of a post. like i have A Lot To Say lol
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2023 art summary ヽ(´w｀) i ended up not posting most of my stuff for the latter half (yet) but i’m really happy with a lot of what i worked on!!!!!
#my art#art summary#2023 art summary#art school is actually so fun sometimes did you know that. i made so many fun comics and experimented with new stuff. sometimes i wasn’t#any good at what i tried but it’s still sooo rewarding when i improved even just a little. and it feels REALLY good#to be able to show off some skills or familiarity with materials that i use less often these days#bc i can show my marker or colored pencil drawings and my classmates who have only seen my digital stuff are excited about it sometimes :-]#bc i really just like working in a lot of different mediums and i’m really thankful that my love for art and art making hasn’t dwindled#even though of course i have dormant periods and times where i don’t feel like making art or i feel frustrated with what i am able to do#it always comes back around. just like how i always feel better whenever i feel depressed#and i just love art and colors and i love the world and the people in it and myself and all the people i have been#anyways i hope you all feel happy or you will soon hugs and kisses goodnight (extremely loud thunk on the floor)
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i know i've been very culty on here about period underwear and reusable period products in general whenever i've brought up the topic in the last year or so but i mean it sincerely. i have never spent my money on a product that just simply improved my life so much. game-changing isn't even the beginning of it. i look forward to how much better my periods are now since i no longer have to depend on gross disposables. period underwear is the shit
#the best thing is it doesn't even feel wet. it doesn't even feel wet#like when you're a kid and you're new at it and all you can think about is how much you dont wanna be on your period anymore#and how much you wanna go back to just wearing your underwear like a normal day#with period underwear. you're just wearing underwear. and it DOES feel like a normal day#menstruation cw#other than y'know you're continuously bleeding and maybe you have cramps or whatever#other than having a kinda swimsuity texture (cant think of a better way to describe it) it just feels like underwear#it's JUST underwear#tales from diana#i mean im not even on my period rn although i am getting closer to it#i just bought ordered some new stuff and once this comes in. i'll be disposable-pad free forever#like i could cry about that#including some cloth pads (ive never tried them before)#i figured i could keep one or two of those in my purse or whatever for emergencies#the ONLY (and i mean only) inconvenient thing about period underwear is that it's much less convenient to just change or put on in public#on light or moderate days for me at least they can last the whole day. on heavy days it's good to change every 12 hours#and i can typically depend on doing that at home#but if i have a cloth pad for emergencies then i never have to rely on a disposable EVEN IN THE CASE that my period comes unexpectedly.#i mean it like i'm genuinely excited about this#i have only mentioned it a handful of times to friends in the year-plus that i bought that first pair of thinx#but i would literally buy any of my friends who menstruate a pair or a pack if they asked#like im very passionate about what a life improvement it has been#why do you think i'm always vag-angelizing about it these days?
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Whoopsie time
#vent tw#cw vent#I'm stupid to have dropped out of college#now I don't know what I'm doing and I can't do the very passion I set out to do#Animation was my dream and I ruined it for a guy who groomed me and ended up physically abusing me.#I didn't realize trying to animate and failing because I don't understand it no matter what I look up about it would result in a breakdown#Not to mention I'm regressing in my art skill right now.#My art is ASS right now no matter how hard I try to improve it#references... Practice... Doodles... Warmups you name it#nothing is going right and I have the urge to quit art altogether#I'm not going to and I can't bring myself to ever do that but It's aching inside me#I want my art to be good according to me. not others. People can say it's great but if I don't like it... I'm not going to settle for it#I shouldn't have left#I loved college#I loved SELU#I loved my life back then#And now I'm here. And I'm not happy anymore.#Even with writing. I even took a long break from writing and I still can't do it right according to myself.#Now I have no muse or motivation for any of it#I feel empty. And I can't go to therapy because I can't afford the balance on my account.#I just feel like I failed.#I feel like I failed my parents and myself. They always tell me theyre so proud of me but I don't understand how they can be.#Not when I ended up in two severely abusive relationships... Dropped out of college twice... And now work in a factory full time.#Yeah i make decent money in a place I enjoy but it all just feels empty.#I could've been more#i could've done better#[[out of ammo]];; ooc
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j need to get back into life drawing post haste
#i think im losing . construction in my art#im forgetting how to draw bodies think. idk#literlaly so annoying . its like fun when u get the hang of things but then u neglect one aspect in pursuit of another#and then have to go back and touch up that old skill to try and balance jt and theres that brief period where#eveyrthing is harmonious and then it outpaces itself again and becomes ths juggling act#overall i enjoy it . the drawing sessions but smtimes finding the will 2 get out of bed is like pulling teeth#bc i know im never going 2 walk out of there feeling satisfied but . actually idc#a lot of my pals . my friends there r a couple of decades older than me and they have the best advice tbh#randy. and donna . randy and donna and third guy whose name i forget . -> if u r satisfied at the end of a session did u rly learn anything#always want 2 improve . right right#UARHGHQHHH ill do it ill go . im scared bc i feel like it tends to artblock me#bc i start getting in my head ab what i know/see vs what i can only draw#but im sooo addicted 2 wanting to get better . i want to draw like a million people i see on here who have that great construction and#weight and anatomy and dynamism . i want to be like u . ill work to be like u ill try#and i feel like ive negelcted my basics for soo long .. i need to get ths foam shapes and a lamp . NOWWWW#yotasuke#i miss yotasuke so much.damn. thats crazy . anyways#the way he points out that yatoras dedication/hard work is a talent . like ueah . i agree w him im envious of that r u kidding me#and ytora walkimg arnd like oh u have it so easy ytsk. he needs to shut the hell up smtimes#i meed to see them eviscerate each other blood and all.#spongebob icecream truck- not that yatoras hard work isnt Also a skill but ykwim . if youve read YKWIMM#bc he was always like woe is me im soo untalented and its like no bro u r you just manifest it differently . that natural drive is a talent#but that natural drive also takes skill to foster and nurture else it has no purpose .#no i cant be blp posting in the tags bye
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