#I cried for like three hours today bc I tried to talk to my mom about it and. well. she was very much a mom about it and not helpful

[lovelyisadora]

it isn’t the end of the semester but i’m already having my end of the semester breakdown oh my GOD I am going to have a heart attack. sprite save me

[theworldoffostering]

I am beside myself. We are back in the national parks and spent today at one of the lakes. DH’s friends from ID came over and we did a picnic lunch with them. It was a really nice day. We then got ice cream and headed back to our campsite to get dinner made.

People were cranky from being in the sun all day and probably travel and being hungry. I was talking to my mom about my dad, and texting with my cousin (her grandma is in the hospital on hospice apparently) and taking each of the little kids for a walk around the loop to try to create some separation and space for everyone.

DS and Ms. 6 were doing nothing to help. Ms. 6 stayed in the tent most of the day bc she's mad and wants to go home. I asked the teens to take a walk. They did and when they came back we were almost ready to eat. Ms. 6 said she wasn't eating and again stated she wanted to go home.

Two minutes later she took off running and took DS with her. I had to report them missing to a park ranger and they put out a BOLO.

Within one minute of the BOLO going out, they were found but then Ms. 6 asserted to the ranger once again that I am abusing her! And then she told the ranger I was abusing DS! And DS went along with it. Didn't deny it.

The ranger that found the kids was one of the ones that helped us last year when we had this scenario and she was so mad at me--basically yelled at me saying that I was now back for the second summer and I had TWO kids accusing me of abuse. So it once again turned into a whole thing.

They wanted me to have proof that I wasn't abusing the kids. Thankfully, I managed to get DS's therapist on the phone at 9pm and one of the people that is in our home doing life skills weekly with the kids. Ms. 6 instructed DS not to speak to his therapist. Ms. 6's therapist never picked up.

Ms. 6 was aggressive even with park rangers present and the police said they could arrest her based on her actions (attempted assault on me in front of them and resisting an officer) but they didn't want to bc she would then be released in town and have nowhere to go. They also considered a 72 hour hold but it would have also resulted in her being released in town with nowhere to go (we are supposed to leave this morning for home). So they basically spent three hours de escalating while I cried my eyes out and tried to not go into shock (my entire body was shaking due to the adrenaline). Then a ranger drove them back to our campsite and dropped them off where H and E were crying hysterically from the stress and saying they didn't feel safe with Ms. 6.

I am beyond sad this happened AGAIN and things have been absolutely fine--smooth even with Ms. 6 on this trip but something was bothering her this morning. I asked her about it. She had a lot of attitude but I just let that roll off. I asked her what she needed. Provided suggestions and eventually asked her if she wanted a nap. She said she did so that's what she did. Before she laid down, I asked her if I could give her a hug and she said yes so I did and felt like we were okay.

Ms. 6 snap chatted with her biological family the entire time the police were managing the situation. Clearly not taking anything too seriously.

I then spent another two hours in the tent with them while they smugly giggled about how great they are. I cried again. Talked to them. Tried to explain why this was not okay. Tried to explain what could be done differently. Said I was glad they were not in jail or the hospital. Radio silence.

I stayed n the van with H and E while DH slept in the tent with the other four.

I'm exhausted. I'm so sad. Idk what to do. I'm not sure how we will make the 20 hour drive home tomorrow. I cannot ever travel with Ms. 6 again. I know DS’s therapist wants DS separated from Ms. 6 but Ms. 6 is being super manipulative. Do I tell her she cannot live at home any more? How do I create felt safety for everyone when she continues to do this?

[oikawaplssteponme]

I saw a small thing about this and i was like omg gotta ask willow to write this bc ur stuff is amazing so can i request Midoriya fluff where hes ended up in the hospital (again) and his mom is there and shes really upset about it and the reader hugs her and is comforting her and midoriya wakes up and sees it but doesnt say anything because hes just so in awe because the reader is saying all of these nice things about him and hes just really happy and in love seeing his crush look after his mom so well when he cant

hii! omg that’s so sweet of you to think of me for this request🥺💕! i love this idea too so thank you for sending it in!!

•

Words from the Heart

pairing: Izuku Midoriya x reader

warnings: deku injured as always :(, hospitals, mention of surgery

genre: fluff

a/n: i love inko so much hehe. this made me soft

•

The smell of the hospital was unfortunately familiar. You had been there many times before, all for the same person.

You walked through the automatic doors and made your way to check yourself in. The person at the front desk gave you a smile.

“Hi how can I help you today?”

“Hi I’m here to see Izuku Midoriya.”

The front desk worker nodded and began to type into the computer. They raised a brow.

“Sorry but he isn’t allowed visitors right now.”

“Oh-”

“-No no it’s okay, they’re with me.”

You felt someone hold onto your arm. You looked to see Mrs. Midoriya standing next to you.

“Oh my apologies. You two can go ahead.”

Inko smiled and began to led you to the elevators.

“They should give me a membership card at this point for how often I’m here,” she chuckled. Inko pressed the button for the third floor of the hospital.

“You really didn’t need to come Y/N, I’m sure you’re busy with other things.”

“No, really, I want to. I wanted to check in on the both of you,” you smiled, “I even snuck in some dinner since I’m sure you’re sick of hospital food.” You held up your bag. Inko squeezed your arm.

“Thank you sweetheart.”

You and Inko walked to Izuku’s room. She carefully opened the door and you two went inside.

“He hasn’t woken up since he got out of surgery, but he’s stable. That’s all I care about,” she explained.

Izuku laid in his hospital bed, sound sleep. His arms were completely covered in bandages and his chest was wrapped up too. His heart monitor beat at a steady pace.

“What was the surgery for this time?” You asked. Inko sat down in the chair next to his bed. She held onto his hand.

“His arms are as fragile as a toothpick so they had to do something to help with that. I honestly didn’t want to know all the details. They were too much to bare...”

You sighed, setting your bag of takeout on the nightstand. You went to sit on the edge of Izuku’s bed on the same side where Inko was.

“I’m sure it doesn’t get much easier to see him like this...”

“It’s never been easy. Gosh, three years at UA and you’d think he would learn.”

Inko’s voice became quieter each time she spoke. She lightly trembled in her seat, her eyes beginning to water.

“I tell him all the time to go easy during training but he just wants to get better so he tries his hardest. His intentions are pure but the outcomes aren’t always what we expect,” you said. Inko nodded.

You had known the Midoriya’s for quite some time. You became close with Izuku your first year, the both of you developing a mutual crush. Your sweet friendship remained however but your feelings for each other only grew. You and Inko bonded as well. Unfortunately, it was usually in situations like this.

“I don’t know Y/N...I don’t know what to even do at this point...”

You leaned forward and gently placed your hand on top of Inko’s.

“All of this craziness will be worth it one day. Izuku is gonna be the most amazing Hero and he is going to make you proud. Sure, he’s still learning but I guess that’s what it means to be a ‘hero in training’. He has an unbeatable drive and the will to do good. I’m sure he gets that from you.”

Inko sniffled, wiping away her tears.

“And when that day comes; when you read in the news that your son is the number one Hero, all these hospital visits, sleepless nights, hours of worrying, they’ll all be worth it. I know that day will come and I’ll be right by both of your sides when it does. I love your son- y-your son’s passion I mean. Izuku is the sweetest boy with a big heart, something all good heroes need. Thank you for giving him that.”

As you were talking, you hadn’t noticed that Izuku has woken up. He acted as if he hadn’t though, keeping still. He heard every word you had to say. His heart swelled up with love for you, it could’ve bursted on the spot. Not only did he wish to make his mother proud, but you ask well.

Inko got up from her chair and quickly moved to hug you. She held you so tightly as she let out muffled cries. Her tears were no longer sad, but happy. Happy that her son has someone like you in his life.

“Oh Y/N, what would we do without you.?”

“You’ll never have to worry about that. I’ve got you both.”

Izuku looked at the way you hugged his mom. His eyes watering at the sight. He certainly was blessed to have you in his life.

“H-Hi guys...” said a groggy Izuku. Inko immediately looked at him, lunging to hug him.

“OH IZUKU PLEASE YOU HAVE TO STOP SCARING ME LIKE THAT! IM SO GLAD YOURE OKAY!” she cried. He attempted to hug her back but was unable to bend his arms. Inko pulled away from the hug. You and Izuku locked eyes.

“You didn’t happen to hear any of that...did you?” You asked. He shook his head.

“Hear what?” he lied. You smiled.

“Good. Now, you’re probably starving. I brought your favorite.”

You reached for the bag of carry out and pulled out all your meals.

“You’re too kind Y/N,” smiled Inko. You grinned.

“Don’t even worry about it.”

You moved up closer to Izuku. You gently placed your hand on his cheek. He melted into your touch.

“I’m just glad he’s okay.”

•

[MHA taglist (form in masterlist) : @bibly @big-phat-cat @sapphoscolonoscopy @luluwiie @happyheartsss @lealofsblog @iwaisa @bakugousmymassa @evivn1 @tetsoleil @bokutory @vangoghmusings @moonlightaangel @complimentaryhugsgirl @marajillana @sopesmin @alaina-rose13 @shotoful ]

[suphoshi]

FRAGILE | Park Chanyeol x reader

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 1,766

Warning: None! (do beware for grammatical errors though lol not proof read at all)

-

You’re pregnant, can’t see your toes, and the world is falling apart.

Chanyeol still loves you.

-

You stared at yourself in the mirror with downturned lips.

Your stomach hung lower than ever before and when you looked down, you couldn’t even see your toes anymore.

Was my hair always this wiry?

Whoever said pregnancy was a beautiful thing had obviously never seen the hair growing on your legs.

“Babe, I’m home!”

You whined immediately at the sound of his voice and turned around to lock the bathroom door. It had been an hour since you went in there, all to surprise Chanyeol. You hadn’t had sex for going on a month because your nausea was almost constant, and he had been on a week-long business trip. You wanted to do something nice and you couldn’t even stop looking in the mirror long enough to shower.

Was my ass always this big?

“Babe?”

His voice was closer, and you sat on the toilet, holding your head in your hands.

“Don’t come in here!” You yelled.

Thankfully, you had locked the bathroom door because despite your request he tried to get in anyways.

“What’s wrong? Let me in.”

Tears fell down your cheeks and your lip trembled, staring at the chipped paint of your toenails. It only made you cry harder.

Were my ankles always this swollen?

“Go away!”

The doorknob turned again. “Why are you crying? What happened?! Are you hurt?!”

“Not physically!” You retorted.

“What does that even mean? Get out here right now.”

You hauled yourself back up (was it always this hard to move around?) and walked towards the door, pulling it open and staring up at him.

He looked so good. Too good for you. Your face crumpled, lip jutting out. “I used to be so pretty. Now look at me.” He looked you up and down at your request and you closed your eyes, a sob sneaking past your lips. “I’m a hairy fucking potato sack.”

He was quiet, but only for a few seconds while you cried.

“Babe,” you heard his unmistakable laugh as he pulled you into his arms, hands wiping the tears from your cheeks even though they were nonstop. “where is this coming from?! You’re not a hairy potato sack!”

“I can’t even bend over to paint my toenails anymore!” You cried.

His chest rumbled with more laughter and he pressed kisses to your tear-soaked face without contempt. It warmed your heart in the same way it broke it (How can he stand being with me like this?) When he was satisfied with that, he pressed your face into his chest and rocked you back and forth like a child.

It was nice.

Thirty minutes passed before your legs started cramping up and you whined against him, pulling your head back, chin resting on his chest. He peered down at you with a smile that you weren’t ready to reciprocate.

“My legs hurt.”

He moved without question, leading you to the bed and sitting you down.

“Want to tell me what happened?”

You teared up again and he kneeled down in front of you, resting his head on your knees.

“I just wanted to look nice for you since we haven’t had sex in a decade, but I looked in the mirror and just-” you paused, looking at him incredulously. “I don’t know how to make this look nice! And I couldn’t bend down to shave my legs or paint my toenails. And I was going to wear your sweatshirt to be sexy, but I’m scared it won’t even fit! I don’t even know who I am anymore, I feel like I was swallowed by another person!”

He smiled and it took every bit of restraint you had not to slap him. How could he sit there looking pretty and smiling while you were having a complete meltdown?

Before you could yell, he stood up and pressed a chaste kiss to your lips, turning around and walking into the bathroom.

“Don’t move.” He yelled back just as you were turning around to grab the tv remote to throw at the back of his head. When he returned, he was holding his sweatshirt that you took into the bathroom. He pulled it over your head in silence, fixed your hair when your head poked through and then walked away again. You stood up to fix it, shocked to see that you weren’t as big as you’d imagined since you were still swimming in it, belly only somewhat showing.

“Okay, so” Chanyeol walked in again, but that time he carried a big bowl of water and some towels. He sat it down at your feet and reached into the pocket of his hoodie to pull out a few different colors of nail polish and a razor. “I’ve never shaved my legs, but I figure it’s like shaving your face. Right?”

You stared down at him and felt tears bubbling in your throat.

“Also, do you want…” He looked at the bottom of each different nail polish. “tickle me pink, oh so blue, or the devil’s red?”

When he looked back up at you from the floor, the tears wouldn’t stop.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” You wiped at your face with the sleeves of his sweatshirt. “I’m being so annoying and you’re still being nice. What’s wrong with you?”

He stood up and sat on the bed beside you, grabbing your hand tightly. He waited for you to regain some composure and look at him before speaking.

“I love you. And that’s not conditional or when I think you deserve it. I love you crying, whining, yelling, and even when you can’t bend over anymore. I love you from this life to the next. I love you snotty nosed and mascara stained cheeks.” He brushed his thumb across your cheek, and you leaned into his hand. “I love every crazy little corner of you.”

You smiled despite the tears and he lit up, kissing you with so much love that your chest hurt.

When he pulled back you shoved at his chest playfully. “When did you get so cute?”

He scooted back down to the floor and grabbed your foot, propping it up on his knee.

“I’m always cute.” He said with an effortless smile.

You somehow loved him a mile more.

-

“Breathe.”

It was so simple, just breathe. In and out. Chest rises and then falls. Smell the roses, blow out the candles.

Just breathe.

Why was it so hard? Why couldn’t you just breathe?

“I can’t-”

You were cut off by warm hands on your cheeks,  silencing all of your thoughts, a deep inhale of reality that calmed you and reminded you the simple mechanisms of in and out all at the same time.

Your eyes, wide and frantic and scared.

His eyes… calm, loving, and gentle. His thumbs brushed the stray tears from your cheeks and the smile he put on for you left you in shambles.

“You can. Just breathe, like this.” He took a deep breath in and you mimicked him, shaky and full of fear. He released it and again, you followed suit, more tears falling despite the waves of calm that rushed over you.

His breath smelled like mint leaves. He always smelled like mint leaves.

When he smiled, you almost forgot how to breathe again. “See? You can do it. I told you.”

You smiled back, proud that you could do it. Proud that you made him smile. When his eyes lowered down to the all too large baby bump that projected from you, you melted. He rested his hands there and smiled even bigger.

“And you,” he started, and you immediately laughed. “Stop giving your momma a hard time, okay?”

“Yeah, if you could just get your foot out of my rib cage, I think I will be okay.”

Chanyeol’s laugh was harmonious and real. He pressed a kiss to your forehead, and you leaned into his chest, let him hold you as tight as he could, press more kisses into the top of your head.

“I love you.” He mumbled.

“I love you.” You mumbled in reply.

Two hours later, he was packing your things into the car.

“I think- I think we can wait a while longer, okay? Yeah, let’s wait! I don’t want to go yet.”

You were talking to yourself only. Panic rose in your chest the longer he ignored you pleas, fear bubbling over with the tears rolling down your cheeks as Chanyeol worked on setting up the car seat in the back. You shook your head to no one, gripped your stomach and took a step back, ready to run away.

“Let’s just go back inside Yeol, I can’t go today.” You whined, annoyed that he wasn’t paying attention to you. He simply sighed in response, still fiddling with the car seat.

“We’re going to the hospital, you’re in labor.” He mumbled, finally stepping back, and putting your bags in the back.

“No, I’m not!” You shouted and he shot you an annoyed look over his shoulder.

“Your water broke three hours ago!” He yelled and you tossed your head back, crying to the sky since he wasn’t listening.

“Please, let’s just go back inside! I’m not ready, I can’t do this, I just can’t!”

You were sobbing, fingers trembling, when Chanyeol grabbed your face, pulling it back to his level. He didn’t give you more than a second to process what was happening before he kissed you with every bit of love he held in his heart. Every fear you held dissipated. Every worry on your shoulders lifted. Your heart fluttered; stomach flipped.

He rested his forehead on yours when he pulled away and his eyes bore into yours. He was the loveliest human being you had ever known. Every bad day you’d had for the last few months, every second worth of pain and turmoil you had felt, he took it all onto him in a second and carried all of your sorrows. All of your worries.

His smile brought you sunshine.

“You’re going to be the best mom ever.”

You cried out loud and he laughed, pulling you into a tight hug.

“Let’s go get this baby out of you.”

-

Hours, days, weeks later, Chanyeol made sure you knew how loved you were. On your dramatic days, your angry ones. Even the really really depressing days when you hated yourself. His love filled you up and emptied you out over and over and you would never get tired of waking up beside him.

Life was so warm by his side.

Your sunshine.

-

A/N: Hiiiii! So parts of this were actually supposed to be for TG pt II, but it felt so cheap for some reason for my TG Chanyeol and OC. I think I like it much better as a little drabble lol (or not drabble w/e ya want it to be). I wanted to get this out bc I know I suck on updating TG, but i hope this will hold you guys over for a little while!! Writers block has been eating me a l i v e, and it is so frustrating on top of medical issues I’ve been having and my own anxiety/depression stuff. But I’m happy for those of you who will still read my stuff, and I’m so so sorry if I’ve disappointed any of you bc the wait has been so long. Love you all long long time and I hope y’all have the loveliest day!!!! or night <3<3<3

[babyboibucky]

TW: abuse

Okay, so long story shot I was sexually abused for almost 10 years by my dad’s dad. Five years ago it came out and my dad’s mom basically dropped us and was more worried about what the tiny town of 500 people were going to think than her own grandchildren. After a year+ of court trials and stuff he got like 110+ years (which was waaaaaay more than we were thinking) I have no idea where the man is or if he’s still in there cuz of covid and whatnot. But anyway the sexual abuse happened to me and one other sister, the other sister kept in contact with my dad’s mom bc they were extremely close which was fine. I understood why she wanted to keep that relationship, everyone besides my dad and her stopped continuing contact with my dad’s mom and his sister.

Two years ago my sister told us she was going to visit my dad’s mom and sister, bc she was still under age at the time she couldn’t travel alone so I offered to go with to try and reconcile with the two. I was extremely excited as we had messaged back and forth right before hand and it sounded like they missed us and whatnot. So we get there and we stayed with my dad’s mom who had moved out of the only town she knew and into the neighboring town where my dad’s sister lives. We stayed for almost a week, most of the time it was good but one time we caught her crying and we asked what was wrong thinking it was about everything. No she was crying bc she felt bad about her husband, my abuser, my dad’s dad, because he was all alone in the jail and could only talk to her once a week and could only get a certain amount of magazines and books and blah blah all about him. Not once asked how we were about everything never asked how we were doing mentally and never asked about anything to do with us period.

So once I got back from that trip and I cut of contract with both of them as my dad’s sister never tried to help explain why it was wrong for her to be sad about my abuser and not us. So cut to last week, my dad let us know his mom wasn’t doing well. He kept in contact with them which was okay bc I mean it’s his mom and sister, anyways he let us know that she wasn’t doing well and that he’ll have to go up sometime after our trip which again was okay, it’s his mom and sister, his mom isn’t doing well it understandable. Now this past weekend my dad came up and said “my sister just called, she went to my mom’s apartment today and found her struggling to breath. If she hadn’t come when she did she probably wouldn’t be alive right now, she probably only has little time left here, she’s in the hospital .”

So I had to run a few errands I came back an hour later and he said. “I’m going up to see her and come back tonight” once again that was okay with me bc it’s his mother and she’s dying. So he gets up there says she’s fine as she can be and she’s lighter than me (I’m 125lb) he said she’s going to be discharged tomorrow and she’ll be on hospice until…you know.

So I was all over the place bc as her granddaughter I want to feel sad and scared and terrified and be by her side, but as a victim of abuse by her husband I have no feelings. I haven’t cried, can talk about it with no emotions and I’m kinda like numb. I don’t want to see her but I’m scared that if I don’t go see her before she….I’ll regret it. But than I feel like no, she didn’t care about what happened to you, she only cared about what happened to her husband so it’s okay to not want to see her. And than yesterday my mom told me that my dad was told by his sister that his mom wants to be cremated and wait to have a tombstone until my abuser dies so they can laid to rest together so any feelings I did have to reconcile is now gone and I no longer want anything to do with his mom or his sister

Sorry. So yeah and there’s a whole nother story about my dad’s extended relatives that sent us death threats when they found out about what happened and told my mother how could she do this to this poor old man, and what an awful mother she was and just god I’m so done with that side of the family. I had to be walked out to my car for over two months in case something could happen. My dad told them off and we had to change all our names on Facebook too. (I’m the one that tried to send it three different times last night stupid dumblr)

Oh god this is horrible. I’m so sorry you had to deal with something like this. You are strong for powering through this, even reaching out to your abuser’s wife to check on her. Whether you felt nothing for her situation, you still went to check on her and that is brave and kind of you.

You didn’t deserve that treatment. It’s good that you cut ties with that side of the family. I hope you are getting love and support from your family. I hope you are healing. I hope you are doing so much better now.

If you need someone to talk to, know that I’m here to listen! Thank you for coming forward with your story. I appreciate the trust and I wish that I could hug yo right now but all I can do is send a virtual one 🥺

[kimjoongs]

—ateez college au series [psh]

so seonghwa is a nursing major bc why not and no this isnt bc im also a nursing major or maybe it is idk shh

he wanted to become a nurse bc his mom was one, and he saw how much she adored her job

plus seonghwa is a self-less and caring person, so this was the perfect choice for him

he lives in an apartment on campus with his roommate hongjoong and it’s both a blessing and a curse

it was a blessing because his and hongjoong’s personalities matched very well, so they rarely had arguments

but it was also a curse bc joong was a music production major so he’d be producing music in his room, which normally wasn’t a problem, but on nights where seonghwa was studying for his exams, hongjoong would be in the room next door blasting music

usually all seonghwa had to do was knock on his door and ask him to keep it down, but there were nights where he would just pack up his stuff and study at the campus library instead

he often stayed for about 3-4 hours or more if he had an exam the next day

hwa really liked anatomy and phys but absolutely despised chemistry

“what the hell is the difference between polar and nonpolar? wait, why does this lewis structure only have 2 bonds? shouldn’t it have 3? ah shit i forgot an electron–”

sometimes hongjoong would come out of his room to get a glass of water only to find hwa asleep at the kitchen table with a copy of the periodic table on his head

he loves getting to wear his scrubs on lab day bc 1) scrubs are super comfortable and 2) it gets him excited thinking about the future

he also started volunteering at the nursing college in the labs

he’d help the lab ops set up the labs, refill the fluids, repack the medication, or clean up the simulation rooms

this also gave him the opportunity to get to know his future professors, and he would never admit it, but whilst he was volunteering, he would admire the older nursing students wearing the official university scrubs

it made him that much more determined to get into nursing school

during his first semester his second year, he had less of a workload compared to his first year, so he had more free time and was able to go out more

one day hongjoong asked seonghwa if he wanted to hang out with a few of his friends, and he said yes

so the two of them went out to this nearby boba cafe where hongjoong’s friends mingi, san, and wooyoung were waiting for him

you were there as well, tagging along as a mutual friend of san’s, and he introduced you to the two them

“hey hongjoong, seonghwa, this is my friend y/n! i hope it’s cool if they come along. i needed to drag them out of their room or else they’d be studying for hours on end,” san teased, knocking your head lightly w his fist

you stuck your tongue out at him then turned to shake hongjoong’s and seonghwa’s hands

when you made eye contact with the latter, his face lit up with recognition “oh wait, y/n? you’re in my pathophysiology class right?”

“oh yeah, i sit right behind you. nice to meet you, seonghwa!” you flashed him a smile, and he smile back

after everyone introduced themselves, you all found a table and ordered your drinks

mingi, san, and seonghwa sat on one side of the booth whilst you, wooyoung, and hongjoong sat on the other

you were quite surprised, and quite relieved, at how well you were fitting in and getting along with hongjoong and seonghwa…especially seonghwa

during the time that you all were together, seonghwa found out that you were a nursing major too and the two of you launched into a full blown discussion about it, unaware of the looks the others were giving you both

hongjoong had a faint smile on his face, mingi was chuckling and shaking his head, and san and wooyoung were giving each other knowing smirks

at the end of the night, seonghwa had asked you for your number in case yall wanted to study tgt, and you happily obliged

then you all said your farewells and went your separate ways

a few days pass and you don’t hear from seonghwa, which was quite understandable considering the fact that it was midterm season and you were both busy

but you were also kind of looking forward to study with him, he seemed really smart and self-disciplined which was exactly the type of study buddy you needed

but another couple days pass and lo and behold you receive a text from the one and only park seonghwa that reads: hey you wanna study tgt for the patho exam at the library today?

ofc you said yes and half an hr later, you found yourself at the library sitting right across from seonghwa

the two of you had your laptops, notebooks, and handouts spread all over the tables and were completely in the zone

after an hr or two of straight studying, you suggested taking a small break and that’s where the two of you got to talking abt nursing and why you both chose to major in it

“well my mom’s a nurse, and when i was younger she would always talk about how much she loved her job. she’s super hardworking and cares about her patients, and that’s how i want to be someday. plus as a nurse, if i could just make someone’s day just a little bit better, then that’s all that matters to me.”

needless to say, you were captivated by the raw passion and love seonghwa had for his future career, and you couldn’t help but admire him for it

after your short break, the two of you went back to studying, but this time yall would often make eye contact and send each other encouraging smiles

you found yourself slowly becoming more comfortable with seonghwa as the time passed by

and after that, the two you started having more and more study sessions, growing closer and closer

whenever an exam or quiz was coming up, you two would always be found studying tgt whether it was at his apartment or the library

and that’s when the hesi exam came in

the amount of time you guys spent studying for regular exams was nothing compared to the amount of time yall spent studying for the hesi

on the day of, you and hwa were practically freaking out

“oh my god y/n i’m so scared. what if i forget how to do the conversions? what if i forget everything i learned in anatomy? what if i forget basic grammar–”

“hwa shut up you’re making me nervous!”

basically yall are a wreck from the beginning of the exam all the way to the end, and once yall walk out of that testing room you almost collapse

anyways fast forward a few weeks later it’s almost the end of the semester and also around the time where you would be receiving your letter saying whether or not you were accepted into the program

it was a friday night and the entire gang was at your apartment having a movie night

you were looking thru your emails when you stumbled upon one from your university, and when you saw what the subject was you screamed, scaring the living daylights out of mingi who was sitting next you

“y/n what the hell–” “guys, guys my nursing school letter came in oh my god, oh my god!”

the entire room went silent for a millisecond before san let out a shriek and soon everyone was crowding around you

hongjoong gripped seonghwa’s shoulder “did you get yours yet?”

the latter’s eyes widened in realization and he also whipped out his phone, letting out a choked gasp when he saw the same email “mine came in too!”

at this point all of yall were freaking the hell out, and you and seonghwa somehow found each other’s hands and held them tightly tgt

“okay, okay, okay!” you reposition yourself on the couch so you were facing your fellow nursing major “on the count of three we open it at the same time, yeah?” all seonghwa did was nod

“alright, one…two…three!” everyone held their breath and it seemed like an eternity had passed…and then you and seonghwa jumped up from the couch

“i got in!” you yelled at the same time, which caused the others to belt out the loudest cheers you’ve ever heard

overwhelmed with excitement and pride, you threw yourself onto seonghwa and gave him the tightest hug, and he wrapped his arms around your waist, gently lifting you off the ground

when you guys separated, both your eyes widened at the lack of space btwn the two of you, and you immediately jumped away from each other

“um,” you cleared your throat “i’m…i’m really proud of you, hwa.” he gave you the softest of smiles, one that made your heart race even more than it was right now

“i’m proud of you too, y/n.”

aaaand fast forward again to the beginning of the next semester! you and seonghwa were officially in the clinical portion of the nursing program which meant you two were now able to wear the university’s official nursing scrubs seonghwa probably cried a little when he first tried his on

and since yall were in the program tgt, you saw each other more frequently, even more compared to the previous semester

which certainly didnt help alleviate the strong emotions you were feeling ever since the two of you shared that small, intimate moment just a couple months prior

before you didnt use to feel anything when you hung out with seonghwa, but now just thinking abt him was enough to get you all giddy and nervous at the same time

it had reached a point where you couldnt take it anymore, so you decided to seek help from the one person who knew seonghwa best: his best friend and roommate, hongjoong

when you met up with him and poured out what it was you were feeling, hongjoong sent you a fond, knowing smile “y/n…you like him. romantically, i mean.” 

you gaped “i…what?”

“you, y/n, have romantic feelings for my best friend, seonghwa.”

“i..i like him? i don’t…i don’t have–” you froze upon seeing the way hongjoong raised his eyebrows at you

“i…i like…i like seonghwa,” you finally breathed out. hongjoong’s gaze softened and he chuckled “took you long enough…now if only seonghwa could stop being a coward and just ask you out already,” he mumbled the second part under his breath

not knowing what to do with the information you had just uncovered abt yourself, you thought it’d a good idea (read: it was the stupidest idea) to distance yourself from seonghwa for a bit, just long enough for you to process the thoughts racing thru your mind

you were unaware, however, of how you distancing yourself might look like from seonghwa’s pov

he’s noticed you not hanging out with him as much anymore outside of class, and during class whenever he’d try to talk to you, you’d just scurry over to the other side of the room

he started getting worried and, ironically, he went to hongjoong for advice

upon hearing what’s been going on, hongjoong sighed loudly and slammed his hands down on the counter

“okay, initially i wasn’t going to say anything because i wanted the two of you to find out on your own, but obviously that isn’t going to happen so i’m just going to say it. y/n’s avoiding you because they realized they’ve fallen head over heels in love with you and don’t know how to react. so hwa, please be a nice guy and help them figure it out if you catch my drift.”

at that, hongjoong walked out and into his room, leaving an open-mouthed seonghwa frozen in the kitchen, he was at a loss for words

he knew hongjoong knew abt his feelings for you, but he didn’t think you’d feel the same

after contemplating whether or not what he was abt to do was a good idea or not, seonghwa simply said “screw it” and dashed out the door, heading straight for your apartment

once he arrived, he knocked rapidly on your front door

you had barely opened the door when seonghwa practically slid right in

“seonghwa? what are you doing he–”

“y/n, i’m sorry for just barging in but i need to ask you something really important and i want you to be completely honest.”

you gasped softly at the way he was looking at you, it was so intense and so serious you’ve never seen him like that before

“uh, okay? what’s going on?” you asked nervously

“do you have feelings for me?”

you choked “w-what?!”

“i talked to hongjoong and asked him for advice bc you’ve been avoiding me the past few days, and he said it’s bc you like me. is that true?”

you didn’t know what to say, the familiar warm feeling in your stomach came back and you found it difficult to maintain eye contact with seonghwa

a few seconds of silence passed, and you could see seonghwa’s serious gaze slowly start to crumble and all of a sudden you panicked

“yes! y-yes…it’s true. i do have feelings for you,” your voice trailed off at the end, but you knew he heard you when he saw him stiffen up

he let out a shaky breath “how long?”

“huh?”

“how long have you liked me, y/n?” he asked more firmly

“u-um, i’m not sure? i honestly didn’t start noticing i felt like this until about two months ago when we found we got accepted. although, the more i think about it, i’ve been attracted to you since our first study session together. the way you talked so passionately about your future and how dedicated you were into making it come true made me feel something, and what you said was really inspiring to me and i just–”

your sentence was interrupted by a pair of lips connecting with your own, and it took a second for you to realize that…seonghwa was kissing you

oh my god…oh my god seonghwa was kissing you

once you finally registered what was happening, he pulled away from you, eyes wide and cheeks flushed

“oh..oh shit, y/n i’m so sorry! i didn’t mean to–i should’ve asked for your permission first. i’m so so sorry!”

seonghwa tried to take a step back, but you grabbed his wrist before he could

“y-y/n?” he stared at you

you couldn’t wait anymore. not after that.

“please, do that again.”

now it was seonghwa’s turn to choke on his breath “h-huh?”

you tightened your grip on his wrist “seonghwa, this is me giving you permission. kiss me again.”

and he did

unlike the first kiss, this one was much longer and more heartfelt. you felt his arms snake around your waist, tugging you closer and closer

you could feel the way your cheeks were heating up, but at the moment you didn’t care, wanting this moment to last forever

but unfortunately, all good things must come to an end

“hey y/n, who was at the doo–holy shit!” at the sight of you and seonghwa, mingi let out the loudest screech, causing the two of you to jump away from each other

“oh fuck i forgot san and mingi were here,” you cursed under your breath. seonghwa stood next to you, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck

mingi still remained where he was in the hallway, mouth wide open in shock before he recollected himself “ohoho my god, san! text wooyoung and tell him he owes me dinner!” and with that, mingi took off running down the hall and into one of the rooms

and once again you were left alone w seonghwa

for the longest time, the two of you just stood there, refusing to speak nor look at each other

the room was so silent you could practically hear both of your hearts racing

“so uh…does this mean you and i are…?” seonghwa asked sheepishly, taking a small step towards you

you glanced up at him and couldn’t help but giggle at the hopeful look on his face

you turned towards him and flashed him the brightest grin “yeah, we are.”

the smile that appeared on seonghwa’s face at that moment was enough to take your breath away, and you had to physically restrain yourself from kissing him again

instead you opted for taking his hand in yours and entwining your fingers tgt

now that you and seonghwa were officially dating, it made studying that much more fun

when you guys started doing your clinicals, it became hard for yall to see each other, but it made your time tgt much more special when you did have time

seonghwa is a very touchy and cuddly person, so whenever there’s a short break in btwn lab or lecture, he’ll either be sitting next to you with his head on your shoulder or his arm around your shoulder and your head on his chest

the other nursing students (and sometimes the professors) would scream at how cute yall were

and bro if you thought seonghwa was your biggest motivator before you started dating, then he’s even bigger motivator now

when he quizzes you, he’ll always give you a kiss on the cheek if you answer a question correctly, or when you come back from a particularly rough shift he’ll be there to hold you and tell you that you did your best

oh yeah and to cheer you up he’ll say a bunch of anatomy jokes

“hey y/n, i aorta tell you how much i love you”

“oh god, hwa don’t even start.”

“oh c’mon, quit ovary-acting.”

“park seonghwa”

“you’re going tibia okay”

“i’m breaking up with you”

[nmnostalgiadrabbles]

Then and Now - Iwaoi

soooo put all three together bc that’s what I should’ve done in the first place lol

 The story of Oikawa and Iwaizumi, over the years.

 -

 They’ve kissed more than their teammates might think.

The first time, they were twelve, on one of their days off from practice in the summer and they’d spent all morning searching for caterpillars. They come in for watermelon and a break from the sun and humidity, that, once they’re upstairs reading Iwaizumi’s comic books splayed out on the floor, turns into a nap. A half hour later, they wake, and Godzilla resumes defending Japan from another kaiju terrorizing the earth on glossy pages beneath sticky fingers. They talk a little as they read, about caterpillars and the upcoming school year, volleyball and what Iwaizumi’s mom is making for dinner.

“What do you think kissing is like?” Oikawa says, stretched out on his back with his hands folded on his stomach. He’s counting the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars on Iwaizumi’s ceiling. “Makki and Hanna got married on the playground the other day and got in trouble for kissing.”

Iwaizumi grunts, uninterested really, but a couple moments pass and he decides he’d like to know too. After all, he and Oikawa compete in just about everything else; he can’t lose here either, even if he is feeling kind of chicken. So he sits up cross legged, and Oikawa follows, and they don’t say a lot, but before they lean in, Oikawa asks, “Should we close our eyes?”

Iwaizumi hasn’t a clue but he says he thinks so.

And it’s exactly what an experimental kiss between twelve-year old best friends should be: scrunched up faces and pursed lips that meet only for a second before they pull away and look at each other again.

Iwaizumi grunts again, shrugging a shoulder, and Oikawa agrees.

“Yeah, don’t really get what all the fuss was about.”

 The second time, they’re fifteen, and its after Oikawa’s knee starts hurting during practice. Aside from sets that aren’t up to Oikawa’s own standard – but still entirely hittable, Iwaizumi thinks – Iwaizumi knows his partner well-enough to see that something isn’t right. He doesn’t mention it during practice, and neither do the coaches; they probably think he’s just having an off day. He’d been kind of tightly wound since Kageyama had taken his place in that match, after all.

They walk home together, where usually Oikawa is skipping about in front of him, going on about his latest girlfriend, but today, he lags behind in strange silence.

Iwaizumi turns to face him and goes for normalcy. “Shittykawa, spit it out.”

Oikawa looks up. Iwaizumi wants to see his face twist into that all-too-familiar shit-eating grin. Instead, he notices Oikawa looks pale. He’s leaning to one side – weight on one foot – and says, in a voice Iwaizumi has never heard before, “It hurts, Iwa-chan,”

They make it home to Iwaizumi’s, because Oikawa’s parents are out of town and he’s staying over, and Iwaizumi helps him up the stairs and onto his bed, leaving him for a moment to retrieve an ice pack from the refrigerator downstairs. He offers ibuprofen too, but Oikawa says he needs to be able to feel it.

“What? Why?”

Oikawa mumbles out an answer that Iwaizumi doesn’t like: that he needs it to hurt to remind him to try harder.

“Don’t be a dumbass. Your play is already suffering; if you continue like this, it’ll get worse and then Kageyama will take your place for good.”

Oikawa flinches and looks away from Iwaizumi, who’s kneeling at his legs and holding the ice pack in place.

“I want you setting for me, not him.” Then he stands and chastely kisses the top of Oikawa’s head, hair unreasonably soft, in one quick motion.  

“Iwa-chan, if you wanted to kiss me you could have just said so,”

Iwaizumi slaps the back of his head and stomps downstairs to start dinner.

 The third time, they’re seventeen, cicadas call loudly, and they’ve come back from a run. They’ve just had lunch, and Iwaizumi tastes like peanut butter and Oikawa like a popsicle.

“‘Blue’ isn’t even a flavor, it’s a color,” he says, and Oikawa sticks his purple tongue out. Iwaizumi makes a face, but Oikawa’s put a hand behind his head and leisurely, like he’d done it as often as he’d served a volleyball, kisses Iwaizumi. It isn’t like when they were twelve.

Oikawa pulls back, triumphant, saying, “See, there is flavor.”

 The fourth time, they’re eighteen, getting ready for bed early because they’ve a match in the morning, brushing their teeth in Oikawa’s bathroom, play-fighting with elbows until Oikawa swallows some toothpaste and hacks over the sink while Iwaizumi, already rinsed clean, cackles behind him till his stomach hurts. Oikawa catches his breath and rinses eventually, and turns to Iwaizumi, who recognizes the danger immediately. He intends to flee from the bathroom, but Oikawa, long-limbed and oddly flexible, manages the get the door shut. Iwaizumi does his best to look intimidating, but Oikawa smiles confidently and ghosts his hands over Iwaizumi’s ribs. Involuntarily, Iwaizumi shudders as Oikawa says, “Please, Iwa-chan. In close quarters like this, you don’t stand a chance. I know your weakness.”

Iwaizumi swallows, mouth parted in a nervous, have mercy smile, but Oikawa will have none of it. The same fingers that deliver the only sets Iwaizumi could ever ask for tickle his sides till he wheezes and tears form. He breaks mostly free and reaches for the doorknob, but Oikawa seizes the opening and then Iwaizumi’s back to laughing and trying desperately to grab hold of Oikawa’s hands while still defending himself. A few misfires, but eventually he gets one and holds it behind Oikawa’s back and the edge of the vanity while he nabs the other wrist and takes them both his is calloused hand. He presses forward with his whole body, still breathing heavy, but finally, finally he can relax.

Oikawa smirks. “I could get free if I wanted to.”

Iwaizumi scoffs. “No you couldn’t.”

Oikawa’s smirk remains, and entirely too confidently for someone with his arms pinned behind him, he leans forward and looks Iwaizumi directly in the eyes as he kisses him. It’s brief, so he can pull back and raise his hands and wiggle his fingers.

“Told ya,” he says, and Iwaizumi expects him to cross his arms over his chest and continue gloating, but he doesn’t. Well, he still gloats, but he puts his hands on Iwaizumi’s sides again, and Iwaizumi sucks in a breath.

“I like them here better. Don’t you?”

Iwaizumi swallows. Looks at Oikawa, all smiles and lidded eyes, and decides this time will be different.

So he pushes forward and they kiss there, in the warm light of the half-bath off the corner of Iwaizumi’s room, with open mouths and think they’ve finally understood what all the fuss is about. Iwaizumi half-wonders if maybe Oikawa understood a while ago, because he moves himself and directs Iwaizumi with a confidence Iwaizumi doesn’t have yet. At some point though, they separate, and Iwaizumi is pleased to find Oikawa’s face – and mouth – as red as his feels.

They hear the front door close and Iwaizumi’s mom call out. Iwaizumi wavers, but Oikawa grabs his face and kisses him hard, and a moment later darts out the door, down the stairs and in into, Iwaizumi suspects, the kitchen, where he’ll be hiding behind Iwaizumi’s own mother. Iwaizumi clambers after him.

 The fifth time, they’re still eighteen, but they’ve just lost to Karasuno. Oikawa knows it isn’t the end for him, but it’s bitter, because it’s the end for him and Iwaizumi.

He’s glad when Iwaizumi turns up at the Shiratorizawa-Karasuno showdown. He’d been afraid to reach out and meet up formally because what if it hurt? He didn’t feel like crying anymore; he’d done enough of that. And it does hurt, them analyzing the match together. Hearing Iwaizumi call him an asshole and laughing because he knows it’s true. Toward the end, Oikawa, unsure, says, “I was imagining it was us out there.”

“Me too.”

They get coffee. Iwaizumi remarks about how little crème Oikawa gets in his.

“I’ve got to start taking care of myself,” Oikawa replies, and Iwaizumi reads between the lines.

“Come back to my place. I’ll make dinner.”

“‘Your place?’ You still live with your parents, Iwa-chan,”

Iwaizumi huffs. “They’re out. We’ll have to stop at the grocery first. Guess I oughtta teach you how to do that too, huh.”

Oikawa smiles, but when Iwaizumi turns and heads out the café door, it slips.

He wants to enjoy these last moments together, so he laughs and teases Iwaizumi like he should, but it’s hard, so after dinner when Iwaizumi puts a movie on, Oikawa excuses himself to the bathroom upstairs, sees the toothpaste on the counter, and cries. He’s in the there entirely too long and knows Iwaizumi is probably getting suspicious, but he’s still surprised when he opens the door to find Iwaizumi flipping through an old comic book on his bed.

Oikawa sniffs.

Iwaizumi pats the space next to him.

Oikawa curls beside him with his head on Iwaizumi’s stomach and tries to breathe without shaking. Iwaizumi puts the comic book down. They’d done this before. Oikawa had cried in front of Iwaizumi more times that he’d cried alone, though he can’t help but think that will be changing. Universities across the world from each other – how could they ever hope to close that distance?

“I know you’re thinking.”

“Iwa-chan had a thought?” Oikawa hides his face in Iwaizumi’s sweatshirt.

“I’m trying to be genuine here, asshole.”

Oikawa has a decision to make – allow Iwaizumi to start this conversation, the one he wants to pretend won’t happen if he avoids it, or try to enjoy one of their last nights together. He isn’t sure he can do either.

He feels a hand in his hair, soft and warm, and though he knows Iwaizumi is offering comfort, Oikawa needs to take more. So he sits up, sets his glasses on Iwaizumi’s bed-side table, and moves to straddle his best friend’s waist.

Iwaizumi is taken aback. He’s perceptive, but Oikawa can be a mystery if he really wants to be, and now, Iwaizumi notes, is one of those times. He waits. Watches Oikawa’s chest rise and fall.

Oikawa puts his hands on Iwaizumi’s chest. He can do this. He wants to do this. He has to do this. There likely won’t be another chance. With worry and separation in the back of his mind, he leans down and kisses Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi kisses him back, moves his hands to either side of Oikawa’s waist, above the hips but below the ribs, which is an incredible relief; Oikawa had half-expected Iwaizumi to say no, we shouldn’t, not like this, or worse, just no, because he didn’t want Oikawa the way Oikawa wanted him. That just because they’d kissed a couple times didn’t mean he’d mourn him from how-ever many thousand miles away. How could Oikawa blame him? They weren’t even twenty, and Iwaizumi was going to move on from volleyball. He was going to study sports medicine in college, but that wasn’t a team sport; Oikawa couldn’t be a part of that world, and maybe that was for the better. Maybe that was what Iwaizumi wanted.

Oikawa feels sick at the thought, and decides that at least for this moment and the few that would follow, he would be something Iwaizumi wanted.

Oikawa kisses him in what he thinks is the sexiest way possible. Tongue, but not too much, just enough to tease, because that about sums up his entire personality, doesn’t it? If Iwaizumi could read his thoughts he would have said no, you’re entirely too much, all the time.

Oikawa holds back tears.

He presses his hips down and wills himself to feel something that doesn’t hurt. He trails wet kisses from Iwaizumi’s mouth to his jaw to his neck – the kind that leaves bruises – and Iwaizumi, who is breathing faster than normal, whose hands roam from Oikawa’s sides to his shoulder blades to his hair, makes a noise Oikawa hasn’t heard before. Oikawa’s chest tightens.

It stops when Oikawa pauses opens his eyes because he stupidly, stupidly wanted to see what Iwaizumi, what Haijime looked like beneath him. It’s everything he’s hoped for – flushed down to his neck, red, shiny lips parted perfectly for his own, eyes shut almost tightly, almost like it was too much and Oikawa would cement this moment, this Haijime in the back of his mind for the rest of his life – but Iwaizumi opens his eyes, why Oikawa didn’t know, and for a reason Oikawa is frustrated he can’t overcome, Iwaizumi blinks and it’s too late, it’s over Oikawa recognizes; Iwaizumi has been snapped from the moment Oikawa had tried so desperately to create, and all the ones he’d hoped would come after.

“Oikawa,”

How could he live without hearing Iwaizumi say his name like that ever again? Say his name at all?

“Oikawa, what’s wrong?”

So it had been his fault after all. He’s given himself away, but isn’t sure how until Iwaizumi brings a hand to his cheek and Oikawa feels him thumb wetness away.

Iwaizumi sits up as best he can, pillows at his back, and looks at Oikawa with the furrowed brow Oikawa had loved from the moment Iwaizumi’s face had first scrunched up when they were five and Iwaizumi had stepped in water with his sock feet.

Oikawa hunches down with his fists in the fabric of Iwaizumi’s sweatshirts and doesn’t care that he sounds like a child.

“It hurts, Iwa-chan,”

Iwaizumi puts his arms around Oikawa’s shaking shoulders.

“I know,” he says. Oikawa raises abruptly; had he heard that right? The tremor in Iwaizumi’s voice?

He finds Iwaizumi is crying too.

“I said I knew what you were thinking, didn’t I?”

Oikawa can’t help it – he laughs. They both spend a moment wiping their faces and sniffing, and then Oikawa says what he’s always felt.

“I love you,”

He’s never imagined how Iwaizumi would react to hearing those words from him because he’s never imagined himself really and actually saying them.

But maybe Iwaizumi has, because he says without hesitation, “I love you too.”

And even though not all of the pain is gone, enough is that Oikawa can grin again, honestly, and says, “Iwa-chan that’s so embarrassing!”

Maybe Iwaizumi hadn’t thought that far ahead, because he balks for a moment, but only a moment since this is Shittykawa after all, and launches himself into Oikawa’s torso so convincingly they tumble off his bed and this time, Iwaizumi makes sure he comes out on top so he can mercilessly dole out payback for that time in the bathroom. Oikawa writhes and shrieks beneath him with smiles Iwaizumi catalogues for when they can’t torcher each other like this every night. Because Iwaizumi is so pleased with himself, he takes Oikawa’s wrists in one hand and pins them above his head, further pleased at the blush that spreads across Oikawa’s cheeks and ears. He basks in his victory and tries his hand at the patented Oikawa smirk.

“You can’t kiss me now,” he says.

Oikawa goes still beneath him, surprise evident.

“Guess you’ll just have to let me do that part.”

Oikawa’s eyes narrow, but he grins and licks his lips.

 .

They don’t actually talk about who won or lost. There’s a jab and a comeback and then they just laugh. They separate to celebrate with their own teams, out for dinner, but Iwaizumi tells Oikawa to come by his room later.

Oikawa makes likes he’s offended, going as far as to summon a faux blush and says, “Aren’t you supposed to take me out first?”

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes and says, “I want to check out your knee. I know you’ve got your own trainer, but a second opinion never hurt anyone.”

Oikawa leans close, and Iwaizumi breathes once, twice, his sweat and deodorant and the way he’s smelled since they were kids. Feels the hand hot on his shoulder.

“But what if I want it to?”

But then he pulls back and he’s just one big shit-eating grin.

Iwaizumi laughs. “I don’t know why I thought you’d mature,”

Oikawa’s teammates call him over, apparently there’s an interviewer waiting for him, which doesn’t surprise Iwaizumi at all, so Oikawa just says for Iwaizumi to text him his room number.

It’s late when he comes by, and Iwaizumi hounds him about getting enough sleep. Oikawa falls with a huff on the twin bed by the window.

“Who’s the one keeping me up?”

Iwaizumi comes to stand at the foot. “This doesn’t count; it’s for good reason.”

“You think you’re worth losing sleep?”

Iwaizumi forgot how often he rolled his eyes when in Oikawa’s presence. “Sit up, put your feet on the floor, legs a ninety-degree angle.”

Oikawa complies, and in his best nauseatingly-sweet voice asks a third question. “Do you talk to all your players like that?”

Iwaizumi kneels in front of him and then realizes.

“Tell me you’re wearing something under those?”

Oikawa nearly short-circuits thinking up the perfect response but he just ends up laughing and stepping out of his sweats.

“Thank God.” Iwaizumi resumes his place kneeling on the patterned carpet and put his hands on Oikawa’s thigh.

“It’s the other one,” Oikawa says.

“I know. But you can’t be trusted not to fuck yourself up for volleyball.”

Oikawa snorts. A few moments later, Iwaizumi moves to the other, pressing into the tissues carefully. A little longer, and then he uses his thumbs to dig.

“Tell me if anything hurts.” He scoffs and corrects himself. “Tell me what hurts.”

“Is it so hard to believe I’ve learned to take care of myself?”

Iwaizumi moves one hand to the other knee and feels them simultaneously for comparison. “It really is.”

Oikawa doesn’t say anything, just watches Iwaizumi continue his examination. He thinks about reaching a hand up to feel Iwaizumi’s hair.

“Okay, lie back.”

“Oh good, the fun part.” Oikawa winks and Iwaizumi flicks him.

“The first thing you do when we see each other after all this time is feel me up and physically abuse me, Iwaizumi? Can’t say I’m surprised.”

Iwaizumi holds Oikawa’s ankle in one hand and behind his knee above the calf in the other. He puts a knee on the bed and presses forward. Only when Oikawa’s thigh is entirely flush to his chest does he wince. Iwaizumi watches him for a moment, as Oikawa pointedly looks up at the ceiling.

“Fucker,” Iwaizumi says. “You’re supposed to say when it hurts.”

“I didn’t want you to stop,”

They’re quiet for a moment, looking at each other, till Iwaizumi releases Oikawa’s leg and settles between his thighs. He moves forward, slowly, because it’s been too, too long since he’d torchered Oikawa proper. One hand on Oikawa’s right side, the other on his left, and he bends down like he’s going to kiss him. But he stops and breathes, leans back just enough when Oikawa lifts his head to meet, and chuckles at his irritation. Oikawa squints, takes the fabric of his shirt in his fists and finally – because honestly it had been torcher for Iwaizumi, too – they’re kissing.

They’re steady for a beat, until Iwaizumi feels a hand tug his hair and then they’re touching all over and scrambling for purchase to bring themselves closer, as close as physically possible after being continents apart, and mold into one another.

Then Iwaizumi pulls away for just a moment because he really wants to see what Oikawa looks like kissed stupid after so, so long.

“God,” he breathes.

“You haven’t called me that in some time,” Oikawa manages, and Iwaizumi laughs. The texts, the phone calls – they’d been enough because they were all the two of them had had for months on end, for years, but now, to see Oikawa blush for him, feel his mouth open for him? Iwaizumi doesn’t cry, but Oikawa reaches up to kiss his cheek like he had. Then he licks the same spot with what felt like basset-hound level slobber and falls back in hysterics while he watches Iwaizumi furiously rub his face in the shoulder of his t-shirt.

Oikawa’s stomach flips when Iwaizumi looks at him again, and he lets Iwaizumi gather his wrists in one hand and hold them above his head. The other splays out on Oikawa’s stomach and it flips a second time.

“That’s more like it, Iwa-chan.”

 .

 It’s not entirely a grunt and it’s not entirely a groan, the noise that Oikawa makes as Iwaizumi digs his thumbs into his traps. It’s just a noise, Iwaizumi decides, that he likes – proper term irrelevant.

“You’re really tight,” he says.

From his spot on the floor in front of the edge of Iwaizumi’s bed where Oikawa sits so Iwaizumi can work more easily, Oikawa only turns his head enough to give him a side-eye and half-assed grin. Iwaizumi enjoys that he’s capable of doing something Oikawa likes enough to actually shut up.

“I hope you’re doing this yourself, too.”

“How’s that?”

“Put a tennis ball between the muscle you want to work and a wall and press back till you feel pressure that’s uncomfortable but not painful. I do it for myself all the time.”

“It is really a massage if you do it to yourself?”

“This isn’t a massage, asshole. It’s myofascial release. I just haven’t gotten to the part that hurts yet.”

“Are you sure you went to school for this? Massages are supposed to feel good, Iwa-chan.”

“You’ll feel good tomorrow.”

“Have you ever known me to be patient?”

Iwaizumi sighs. Thinks for a moment. “Alright, lie on your stomach.”

Oikawa, still half-sleep, rises with a groan (this time, definitely a groan) and crawls like a child up past their bedtime to the center of Iwaizumi’s bed. Iwaizumi grabs something from his work bag and moves to sit atop his waist. Oikawa hums with his eyes closed.

“This’ll be cold, but it’ll take the edge off.”

He sprays a menthol solution across Oikawa’s neck and shoulders and down his back. Oikawa flinches, but after Iwaizumi’s warm fingers return, he finds the familiar cooling sensation more than pleasant. It doesn’t quite numb the area, but it helps him relax the muscles he tenses unconsciously throughout the day.

“Do you foam roll?”

“Yeah, mostly my legs.” Oikawa mumbles into the comforter.

Iwaizumi works up high for several minutes before placing hands on either side of Oikawa’s spine a few inches above the waistline. They’re exploratory at first, lacking real pressure, but there’s one area that’s particularly sensitive and Oikawa jumps involuntarily.

“One hell of a knot there.”

He works it for a while.

“Sure you don’t wanna betray shorty and Ushiwaka and join our side?” Oikawa says between breathes Iwaizumi reminds him to keep taking.

“What, your trainer’s no good?”

“He’s plenty good, but nobody’s got your hands, Iwa.”

Iwaizumi snorts. “Even if it’s not bothering you at the time, try and hit your back when you roll, too. You’ll end up pulling something when you serve eventually, otherwise. Do the tennis ball for your shoulders when you can’t get with your trainer.”

Oikawa doesn’t respond yet. It certainly is one hell of a knot, and he shuts his eyes and presses his lips together while Iwaizumi applies pressure that’s almost too much. Then Iwaizumi pulls back and Oikawa practically shudders.

“Sorry,” Iwaizumi says, sitting back. “It’s four-thirty. You should probably shower and head back to your room.”

Oikawa turns over on his back and rubs his hands up and down Iwaizumi’s forearms. “Yes, what would they say about you aiding the enemy? ‘Did you see? Oikawa returned from somewhere before the sun came up today – who could he have been visiting?’”

The corners of Iwaizumi’s lips curl. “As if they’d have to wonder.”

Oikawa props himself up on one elbow and reaches to place a hand behind Iwaizumi’s neck. He pulls him down and kisses him. Is kissed back.

“I’ll think about you tomorrow. When my neck –” another kiss. “– and my shoulders –” another. “– and my back –” just one more. “ – feel good.”

 .

[iglooface]

Just Venting bc I'm feeling down but I'm too nervous to bother any particular person or friend bc I don't want to damper their mood bc I'm not perfect

Okay but like is this a universal experience to just be brutally compared to your siblings and peers to the point where you can't even validate yourself for any progress. I just feel like shit today bc of the effect my sister's life has on me. Throughout my highschool experience I tried so fucking hard to make my parents proud but I was never enough and I never will be honestly. But that won't stop me from subconsciously yearning for their approval and validation so I can feel just an ounce of closure in my life. I'd come home with all A's and be at the top of my class in every subject but my parents would say things like "well if you're so good then why are you in regular classes when your sister is in AP World History?" Because we all know the best way to bring up children's spirits is to break down all signs of confidence. Or if when a class got hard and I started getting B's and C's they'd lecture me about how "our family doesn't get B's and C's" and I'd get grounded instead of helped. Or the fact that I graduated nearly a whole year early because of my intensive school work but "your older sister is already moved out and married, what's your excuse" even though I was literally only 17 fucking years old.

Or how about when you were 12 or 13 and you cried and begged every day to not be sent back to school because of how viciously you were being bullied by your peers and that your teacher was verbally abusing you every day and straight up beating you most days as well. But no, you still went back bc "everybody hates school, deal with it."

How often did I need to be told to suffer silently until I just gave up? How many times did I have to be beaten and burned for having emotions until I just stopped? How many of my friends and teachers needed to die before I could no longer have reasons to allow myself to feel any emotion other than happy, helpful, and ready to serve? How is it that I went to school all thirteen years constantly bleeding, bruised, and having minimal sleep and watched the people I loved most take their lives only to outshine my sisters records and surpass every educational goal I was given only to be yelled at and constantly lectured about not being enough? Was it because I couldn't hold a job because of my health and that I was a full time highschool student? Was it because I was a "troubled" kid bc my friends dyed their hair and had piercings? Or was it that I was born a girl when my parents wanted a boy? What the fuck did I do so wrong that everyone around me saw it fit to see how far I could be pushed before I snapped and killed myself.

I can't emphasize this enough, but I was being beaten abused every day in school by a fucking teacher when I was 13. For an entire year. And no matter the toll it took on my physical, mental, and emotional health, nor how many peers it took from me, me how many times I went home exhausted and on the verge of throwing up I was just told to get over it. That I was told that if it was really that bad someone would help me. That I would be saved. Someone would notice and care. But instead I was left scared and alone and had adopted animal like behaviors to protect myself. I couldn't socialize without panicking and I hated being touched, perceived, and even talking. Three of my friends killed themselves over the treatment. And my teachers died intermittently just to add some spice. I couldn't look people in the eyes and I flinched at any movement towards me and loud sounds made me cry. I developed such a bad panic disorder that I had a panic attack so intense it sent me into full blown shock and stopped my heart for 20 seconds and I stayed blacked out for over three hours. All because I was told to get over it and suffer silently. My parents didn't care, they just wanted me quiet and low maintenance. I was treated like an animal instead of a child.

I overdosed on drugs so many times I can't even remember them all because I was hoping that maybe if I didn't wake up, even if it was just for a few hours or days, I'd be better. If I took enough chemical damage I would forget my trauma and become better. That anything I'm the damn world was better than living another day with my wretched circumstances.

And you know what happened? I got in trouble for things my sisters did.

My younger sister took and flunked spanish as a freshman. She willingly signed up for spanish 2 as a sophomore despite not wanting to. She then started throwing temper tantrums constantly and eventually spiralled into threatening to kill herself because she didn't want to take that forsaken class. And I got in trouble for it. I was told I should have told her or guided her so that she wouldn't have signed up for spanish and she would have taken literally any other fucking class available. I was in the wrong bc I was focused on my own schooling and didn't have an omnipotent control over my sister and her education schedule.

Move forward to current day, only about eight months later. My sister's coworker's friend commit suicide via train last night. I instinctively knew I'd be in trouble bc that's just how it works in my family. Despite having received no disciplinary actions last night I was still incredibly nervous because I could feel the impending danger of the situation. Once my sister was at work today my mom lectured me and yelled at me for three hours about how the co-worker's friend commit suicide and how it was bad and selfish of me to have had friends in the past who killed themselves in a time like this. That my past trauma was problematic because I couldn't undo it. That it was bad and sinful of me to even know people who committed suicide when people like my sister new people of the same circumstances. I was in trouble for someone's actions even though I didn't even have a remote relationship to the person. How dare I even have trauma when my sister is suicidal and has a coworker with a dead friend. That I should serve her hand and foot even moreso than I already do bc "she's coping" even though she literally didn't even know the guy. I'm also in trouble because if she keeps flunking her classes she has rn she's going to be forced to drop out and that will make her life harder. If you look closely with your double seeing glasses you can see the amount of bullshit they used to connect those dots.

But let me get this straight, I'm in trouble for having a rough go at school and graduating with honors and a year early and that my sister is suicidal and flunking classes she chose to take and she gets to drop out bc she can't handle the consequences of her own fucking decisions. Yeah. Cuz that makes sense. Child 2 is in trouble bc Child 3 acts irrationally.

Maybe it's the lack of any form of emotional release, maybe it's the pent up rage and anger and depression that I've built up in the last thirteen years, but not a damn thing makes sense there

[cyoza]

adrenaline; part three

Hi all,

I tried to kind of flip the switch on this chapter. I also wanted to explore Kory's 'human' emotions because in the show she doesn't really get to express negative emotions properly. Like, yeah she kills a few people but we can all agree those people had it coming.

(I was also going to change the title bc I wasn't sure it was relevant but idk because I realised the first chapter and second chapter focused on like residual adrenaline from a rush of energy and like lust (more so the second chapter), this one from like anger and I'm going to try and do the last one on like adrenaline based on fear? idk if that's agreeable or not but)

Anyhoo, here we are! I really hope you enjoyed reading it, please give love if you did. thank you! 

part one 

part two 

part four 

part five 

part six 

*******************************************************************************************There was a facsimile of calmness that settled over Dick as he lay back in bed, absentmindedly raking a hand through Kory’s hair as he stared at the ceiling. He’d slipped out of his earlier clothes some time in the last hour, changing into nothing but a pair of grey sweats, his chest bare.

Beneath the peaceful energy he was attempting to emulate, was an undercurrent of tension that he couldn’t quite mask and Kory could sense it. He was stewing and overthinking which she was certain would lead to no good. So, she set out to keep her promise; he was not going to get in his head tonight. 

She raised her head from its place on his bicep, turning to face him completely. This sparked his interest causing him to look down at her questioningly before mirroring her. She could do nothing but stare at him in concern, anxiety preventing her from beginning the conversation. She knew this was going to be difficult and she wasn’t sure that she was prepared enough to handle it. But nonetheless, it needed to happen tonight, whilst there was a lull in events and especially when things could get hectic again at any minute.   

‘Kory, you’re looking at me like I’m a science experiment.’ He said with a nervous chuckle. ‘What is it?’ 

‘Sorry, sorry. It’s just -’ She hesitated before fortifying because she had to do this ‘Are you okay?’ She finally asked. 

‘What do you mean?’ His incredulity was as frail as the smile that he flashed her. The way he avoided her eyes let her know that she had him.

‘It’s a simple question.’ She noted. ‘You’ve been through a lot tonight. So, I’m asking you - are you okay?’ 

Dick let out a slightly irritated sigh and turned away from her to sit up. ‘Do we really have to talk about this now?’ 

‘Well when would you like to talk about it, Dick? When you eventually self combust from keeping all of this in? Or maybe you’ll go on another suicide mission so you don’t ever have to talk about it?’ Her tone was accusatory, unable to keep her frustration at bay. His dismissive attitude starting to rile her.

‘I know what I did was stupid -’ He’d barely finished talking before she cut him off. 

‘Stupid?! What you did tonight was ludicrously brainless. You had an entire team of people ready to get you through this and you pull a stunt like that?’ 

Kory could feel her own anger getting the better of her. She fought to calm herself down, knowing that if she let her anger escalate it would be volatile, especially with Dick’s impetuous nature. And they weren’t going to get where she wanted them to be if they succumbed to their negative emotions. 

‘I know, okay, I know! What do you want me to say?’  He barked, throwing his arms up in frustration. 

‘I just want you to be honest. Just talk to me, Dick!’ She retorted in exasperation.

‘What is this, Kory? What was this? You get into my bed to get into my head? Get my guard down and I’ll confess my deepest, darkest feelings? Because it wasn’t so successful last time, was it?’ He mocked scornfully, his eyes flashing fiercely. 

She was struggling to keep herself in check, a blazing fury boiling through her veins. So, instead, she took a deep breath in an attempt to cool herself because she wasn’t going to let this spiral any further. Not tonight. Not if she could help it. And it was in that instant as she exhaled, that she really looked at him. Looking past her rage and her fear and seeing the pain that he’d deftly hidden. Her anger died with such a suddenness that she knew it was never real to begin with but rather fabricated by both of them to cope. Kory knew that he was doing this to push her away and she’d fed into it, jumping to the easiest available emotion. But tonight she needed to get through to him, so she needed to buckle up and push through. 

She allowed the moment of silence to linger, sitting up and crossing her legs under her. She let out a gentle sigh as she leaned over to place her hand on Dick’s cheek, swiping her thumb over his cheekbone.  

‘I’m sorry. I truly am. I didn’t mean to blow up. But we’re not angry with each other, Dick. Most of all, you’re not angry with me. And you’re right. On some level, I knew that using physical intimacy would open you up a little. Or at least, give you an avenue to release all this negativity you’ve pent up. But you need to do more than that. You felt a myriad of emotions tonight that no person should ever have to feel. You need to let yourself process them. You can’t keep repressing things and hoping that they won’t come out later. They will. And in order to do that, you need to let yourself be vulnerable. And I know you can. You’ve shown me tonight that you can. You’ve been open and trusting and I know it’s not the same but you need to try, okay? You need to give people access to more than just your body.’ 

Kory felt his jaw clench under her fingers, her own chest growing tight when a glimmer of liquid developed in Dick’s eye. She said nothing more, just holding him there as she waited for him. He eventually dropped his gaze to the comforter and took a deep, steadying breath. 

‘I didn’t ever tell you how my parents died, did I?’ He asked. There was a slight tremble in his voice. 

Kory responded by a plain shake of her head. She’d known they had suffered in a terrible accident but could never bring herself to inquire about it; not willing to reopen any wounds that he wasn’t ready to return to. 

‘Um, I was a kid. My parents and I - we were part of Haley’s Circus, on the trapeze. We called ourselves the Flying Graysons. And we were good - really good.’ He let out a soft chuckle, a bittersweet smile framing his face. However, it didn’t last long, dropping moments later as his eyes hardened. 

‘We were doing a show one night. Everything was going great, business as usual, you know? We were supposed to do this one move, where I would swing back and, um, I would catch my mom and bring her forward. We’d done it countless times before so it should’ve been easy. So I swung back, like I was supposed to but all I caught was air. And I-I heard this snap.’ Dick’s face was vacant, a million miles from there, lost in his memories.

‘I can still remember exactly what it sounded like. It was like tunnel vision but for your hearing, I don’t know if I heard anything else but it’s all I remember. I didn’t register at first you know? I saw her fall but I - I didn’t - I-’ He stammered, voice tight with unshed tears. 

Kory lifted her other hand to his face so that she cupped it in her hands, hoping that it would give him a sense of comfort. She found herself battling her own tears the longer she listened to him, making a valiant effort to blink them back so as to not discourage him. 

‘Anyway, turns out it was meant for me.’ He breathed a laugh, absent of any humour. ‘I heard something I shouldn’t have and I needed to be neutralised, I guess. But they got the trapezes confused,  because here I am, not them. He looked at her then, eyes rimmed red and glistening. ‘It was my fault. If I had just been more careful and minded my business, if I hadn’t been such a moron, nothing would have ever happened and we wouldn’t be here. Jason wouldn’t be where he is. Rose wouldn’t be where she is. Everyone would be better off.’ 

Kory acted on instinct, flinging her arms around him in an embrace. ‘I’m sorry, Dick. I am so, so sorry.’ She cried, pulling him even tighter. 

He reflexively reciprocated, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her shoulder in a futile attempt to hide his tears whilst seeking comfort in her warmth. Dick felt a rush of solace, basking in her benevolence, even more so when she placed a tender kiss on his temple before pressing her lips on the outer shell of his ear. 

‘You listen to me, Dick Grayson. What you did today was unbelievably foolish, arguably the silliest thing you’ve ever done. Even still, it was brave and courageous and was filled with every bit of strength your parents left you with. They would be proud of you, Dick. Never doubt that. Everyone makes mistakes and it’s to be expected; you’re only human. You couldn’t have predicted what Jason was going to do. You couldn’t have anticipated Deathstroke’s reaction to you having Rose, or how Donna, Dawn and Hank were going to deal with it. You are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can ask of you.’ Kory ended her proclamation by pulling back to meet his eye. 

He met her gaze with equal intensity, searching for the sincerity he desperately needed to reassure him that she meant what she said. Her stare was unwavering adamant to give it to him.

When he was satisfied that he’d found what he was looking for,  he leaned forward to crush his mouth to hers. It was a kiss that spoke volumes. It contained an urgency that held necessity, a softness that embodied adoration, an anguish that encapsulated desperation. 

Kory kissed him back knowing they had moved a step further than they had started with that evening.  

[brightjin]

tag thingie

tagged by @54930852309430 i lov u gabey

1. Nickname(s): seb, sebbie, sebbington, lord sebastian

2. Bias: cant pick one bc im indecisive so jin, momo, mingi, seonghwa

3. Blood type: idk

4. Favorite food: this is v difficult but i’d have to say raggmunkar (potato pancakes) w lingonberry jam and fried thick bacon (not british)... nom

5. Birthday: 7th of february #soon

6. Zodiac sign: aquarius + cursed rest of chart

7. Pronouns: he/him

8. Hair length: short

9. Height: 168 cm tall

10. A crush: gabey... i wub u...

11. What do you like about yourself: i’m a quick learner, i’m ambitious, i have a cool sense of fashion, i’m compassionate

12. Right or left handed: right

13. List of three favourite colors: anything purple, the blue colour the sky gets before it gets dark, emerald green

14. (Right now) eating: risotto from aldi fdjsklfds

15. (Right now) drinking: wourder

16. I’m about to: study while playing a video game. not smart of me.

17. Listening to: the magnus archives baby!!! we hyperfixating

18. Kids: not sure, i really can’t deal w infants cause sensory overload but at the same time i love the bond i have w my parents and would love to have that w my kid

19. Get married: it’d be fun i love the drama of dressing up

20. Recent phone call: uhhhh my mom i’m pretty sure, but i never call ppl on the phone

21. (Have you ever) Dated someone twice: yes

22. Been cheated on: no

23. Kissed someone and regretted it: no

24. Lost someone special: yes

25. Been depressed: yea lmao

26. Been drunk and thrown up: yes

27. Had glasses or contacts: yes im glasses boi

28. Had sex on the first date: no

29. Broken someone’s heart: yes

30. Turned someone down: yes

31. Cried when someone died: yes

32. Fallen for a friend: yup thats just the way it is

33. (In the last year have you) made a new friend: yes

34. Laughed until you cried: yes

35. Met someone who changed you: yes

36. Found out who your true friends were: yes

37. Found out someone was talking about you: yes

38. Lips or eyes: tbh both but i guess eyes?

39. Hugs or kisses: hugs

40. Shorter or taller: dont really care but taller

41. Romantic or spontaneous: are these opposites?? why is this an “or” question. u can be romantic and spontaneous. this is a poorly phrased question and i wont dignify it w an answer.

42. Sensitive or loud: uhhh sensitive

43. Hookup or relationship: relationship

44. First best friend: hampus, hes basically my brother lmao we’ve known each other since birth

45. Surgery: removed a cyst from my throat when i was 9

46. Sports I joined: i’ve tried golf, swimming (even came 2nd in a local competition!! go me), tennis and dancing

47. Do you believe in yourself: it’s difficult sometimes but yes

48. Miracles: idk maybe

49. Love at first sight: no

50. Heaven: i want to

51. Do you have any pets: chubby cat called sansa

52. Do you want to change your name: yes lmao

53. What did you do for your last birthday: had dinner w my ex friend and another person, spent the night being ignored by both

54. What time did you wake up today: woke up at 8.30 the first time and immediately texted gabey about a dream i had fdjslkfdsk

55. What were you doing last night at midnight: playin vidya game...

56. Something you can’t wait for: to graduate im SO tired of the uk

57. Last time you saw your mom: 2 weeks ago

58. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i could stop procrastinating OR that i had a body i was comfortable with, depending if u can fix physical aspects or not

59. What’s getting on your nerves: why do i keep drinking venti coffees in 15 minutes and then act surprised when i feel sick for several hours

dont feel obligated to do this since its long af but im tagging @akterskeppet @agu5td @notfine-mp3 in case y’all r bored!

[thegeminisage]

rebl*g this and die, freaks. anti-holiday tw for uhh anyone who needs that lol

i hate i hate i HATE CHR*STMAS i hate the INSTITUTION OF GIFT GIVING it’s all about CONSUMERISM and PEER PRESSURE

i hate the EXCHANGE OF OBJECTS i hate the HOARDING OF STUFF

i got 10 gifts tonight. of those 10 gifts, i can use and/or like 4 of them. (wet cat food which was actually a gift for gracie lol, a gift card, new sheets bc mine are the wrong size, and a new office chair). those things are really nice gifts and i’m grateful! especially the office chair because mine BROKE recently and they’re expensive and hard to find (my mom and her buddy went halvsies on it)

however this leaves me 6 things i do not want and cannot use...some of them are from my mom, who really DID NOT NEED to get me SO MANY gifts because i only got her 2. (i hate the imbalance of reciprocity because i will never have enough money to get gifts for all the people that give ME gifts.) 1 of them is from my mom’s buddy. so that’s all stuff i can’t even resell at the flea market because they’d see them and get their feelings hurt and the house is already so full of stuff we don’t need or use that we can’t even have company over and every year my mom cries about how ashamed of it she is and EVERY YEAR WE ACCUMULATE MORE STUFF and i have to be polite! i have to pretend i want the stuff!

and the gifts i got that i don’t want and can’t use came from people i only see twice ever, on thanksgiving and christmas, and i barely know them, and they barely know me, and actually i don’t even LIKE some of them (and they don’t like me - got into it on FB once before i stopped visiting that site permanently). 

and then we have to give the stuff! to everyone! we don’t have any money but every year at christmas we have to put together gifts for LITERALLY dozens of people - flea market people, family people, nursing home buddy people, friend circle a, friend circle b, etc etc etc

we spend all this time putting together stuff that’s either cheaply-bought & easily mass-produced (like mugs with hot chocolate) that I KNOW NOBODY ACTUALLY WANTS or stuff that we can’t really afford - my brother and i frequently get up to $100+ bucks worth of christmas gifts - again, most of which i don’t want and can’t use and which my mother CANNOT AFFORD TO GIVE US - because “it’s christmas” and we have to have a mountain of presents. THAT IS JUST CONSUMERISM

and my mother can never EVER put together that many gifts on time. NEVER. i am ALWAYS the one helping her do it. in the MIDDLE of winter when i don’t want to do anything but die, basically! for my least favorite holiday! and then when i’m not jumping for joy and excitedly doing the wrapping like santa’s good little fucking helper i get yelled at for having a bad attitude and ruining the holidays!!

and GOD FORBID. that everything isn’t picture-perfect! a speck of dirt on a mug? a crack? okay let’s toss it and get a new one. let’s scrub it. a price sticker? that’s gotta come off, residue and all. no we can’t just partially peel it. no we can’t just color over it with a sharpie

and it’s not just the gifts! i got glared at MULTIPLE times today just for opening my fucking mouth. someone says about my aunt’s dog: “aw, she’s a good dog.” me, jokingly: “good and spoiled!” and then i get the death glare. literally no one, NO ONE, was offended except my mother, not even my aunt herself, who is notoriously easily offended. i shit talk my own cats all the time! it wasn’t that big of a deal! i didn’t call anybody racist or anything! tried to tell my aunt how i found the old pictures of her dog as a puppy i got her as her gift and got SHUSHED because my mom thought i was going to inadvertently give away someone else’s gift, as if i don’t have any fucking common sense. she’s just that paranoid! that one little thing! will be ruined!

and then there’s the actual dinner which is a HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS to cook, and do the men help? never. they do good to carry the food to the table when it’s finished. they don’t help cook, they don’t help clean, they don’t even pay for the fucking groceries. they sit and watch tv!!! they talk shit about minorities and homeless people!!!!! and if i say anything then I AM THE ONE RUINING CHRISTMAS

and nobody in my family is even EXCITED OR GRATEFUL we’re all just a bunch of ASSHOLES?? so last night we spent an hour gift wrapping ten different blankets and labeling them with what color they were and today everyone picked a blanket and nobody was really excited about it. blankets are boring gifts you give to people who you don’t know well! so that whole hour was spent for 5 minutes of mediocre graditude! like what is even the point! yk at least when i get useless stuff i don’t need i give it my best college try at being 

and when my mom asks me! why do you hate christmas! and i try to explain that i hate the institution of gift-giving! when i’m like, i don’t like it, it’s exhausting and expensive! she’s like well the whole point of christmas is the spirit of giving!! and [GAMESHOW BUZZER SOUND] W R O N G ! the point of christmas is CAPITALISM and PEER PRESSURE and PERFECTIONISM this shit ain’t about jesus even i, an atheist, knows that jesus would weep to see how shallow and false his bday bash is every year

and i have stayed up late MULTIPLE nights in a row wrangling GIFTS, some of which are for people i’ve never even MET, all because my mother likes to bite off more than she can chew EVERY YEAR. she has like a basket of lollipops she wants to give out at the local nursing home and she went through THREE BASKETS so that the arrangement of lollipops would be pretty. she re-wrapped my SIL’s gift because it was ugly. it doesn’t matter if she’s tired and her arthritis is killing her and she’s past her bedtime she will not stop until all the gifts look like they came from martha stewart or some shit! and they are just! going to get ripped up!

and we didn’t even have time to play giant jenga today which is the ONLY acceptable chr*stmas activity and we probably won’t have time to play tomorrow either!!!!!!!!!! stupid! the whole thing is stupid! i hate mass gift-giving! birthdays only! BIRTHDAYS ONLY. only specific people should be getting gifts at a time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHR*STMAS IS STUPID IT IS LITERALLY THE WORST HOLIDAY AND IT LASTS FOR TWO MONTHS E V E R Y Y E A R BECAUSE GOD HATES ME PERSONALLY I GUESS chr*stmas being the longest holiday and also set in the winter is my punishment from god for being an atheist and frankly @ god fuck you too pal

[brettyimages]

all of them. U know u want to

omg ok, i did the ones you said you wanted to do all of bc even though i didn’t rb them tonight, the little rb sign was lit up so i must have done at some point i hope that’s the ones i was meant to do!

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? The last person I messaged was @llllusion so that’d be weird since we live on opposite sides of the planet so probably like “how did this happen?”

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?Nothing at all.

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?Yes, I would care.  Whether or not it would be a problem is a different question

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?Nope, only 5

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?Sober

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?Lol yes of course

7. What does your last received text say?“Feel it girl” 

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?I guess a few times

9. Where was your last kiss at?At the end of a little path in town

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?I don’t have a sister

11. What do you drink in the morning?Chocolate milk, usually

12. Where did you sleep last night?In my bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard?Yeah

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?Yeah, I wouldn’t apply for promotion

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?Yeah, I don’t want to speak to him

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?Sunny

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?I don’t

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?Pyjama pants, they have stars on them

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?No, probably not

20. Does anyone like you?No, probably not

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?No

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?No

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?There are people I don’t like but I’m able to be civil

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?Not really

25. In the past week have you cried?No

26. What breed was the last dog you saw? I can’t remember.  I don’t really know dog breeds.

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?A bit of both?

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?No

29. Do you think you’re old?A little, like I’ve missed out on a lot of things

30. Do you like text messaging?Yeah

31. What type of day are you having?It’s been fine, like a little better than usual but by no means exciting

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?A little, but not seriously

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?Cold, it’s the first warm day of the year and my room is very warm

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?Yes

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?Relationship

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?I don’t know????

37. What song are you listening to?I’m not right now, I’m watching The Office

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?Usually39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?No40. What made you start liking the person you like now?Finding out we had things in common even though I thought we were really different41. When did you last receive a text message?A few hours ago42. What is wrong with you right now?Too hot!43. How well do you know the last female you texted?Not super well44. Does anyone disgust you?Yes. Found out a guy I work with brushes his teeth max twice a week45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?I mean, depends who, but yes46. Are you in a good mood right now?Relatively47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?My brother48. What color shirt are you wearing?Lilac49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?Yeah50. Anyone you’re giving up on?A little51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?No

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?Yes, probably53. Do you like rain?I’d like rain just now because of the heat 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?Yeah, to an extent55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Yes, always56. Do you like to cuddle?Yes57. Are you shy?Yeah, around new people 58. Do you get along with girls?Not very often, tbh, but I think it just happens that I work in a male-dominated place so I have a lot of male friends?59. Have you dated the person you texted last?No 60. What do you carry with you at all times?My phone, mostly 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?Yes 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?I think so 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?No 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?Indescribably65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?I saw Brett Anderson smile???

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?There aren’t 3 lol but a couple of years older than me

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    I love to do them myself!68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    Leopard print69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    I don’t have a car70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    Lil Wayne - fun fact when I was like 16 I was obsessed with his song I Feel Like Dying71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    I’m an iPhone bitch72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    Um, a few months ago when I was on business73. Do you like diet soda?    I do not74. What color are the walls in your room?    White :\75. Are you 16 or older?    Older!76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    I never have77. Do you have a job?    Yes, today is my 3.5 year anniversary of starting at my company  78. What are your initials?    RGS79. Did you ever have braces?    No, I went to the orthodontist and cried and didn’t want to 80. Are you from the south?    South of Scotland

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    “Tonight I saw Suede for the first time!” with a video of them playing Trash82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    No83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    Equal?84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    Yeah! We had a little cheerleading squad in primary school and I got to be in it85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    Captain Marvel86. Do you smoke?    No87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    I wear flipflops in the house, I don’t wear heels really unless they’re on platforms

88. Is your phone touch screen?    Yes!  How long ago were these questions drafted?

89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    It’s wavy90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    Tried to91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    Pool92. Have you ever made out in a car?    No93. …Had sex in a car?    No, but tell Justine Frischmann to call me any time94. Are you single or in a relationship?    Single95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    Sleeping96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    Bonfire night, probably97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    It’s fine?98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    No99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    No100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    Not hate but dislike, yeah101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    No102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    Tik Tok is the only one I can remember the name of rn103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    I have never had tan lines, only sunburn104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?  I wouldn’t wear cowboy boots full stop 

[changji]

Wow you really went off the other day but at least it was worth it 😪 I normally look at the scenery when I’m on a road trip, but then I get bored of it and decide to sleep bc there’s nothing else to do. Motion sickness must suck :(( do you take gravol or something to help with it? Coffee literally drains the life out of my funds it hurts me

Yes omg pls make me cookies I love them. Maybe you can even open a bakery with pastries and sell some good /cheap/ coffee. Ilyt my dear baker 🥺 ye I’m not the biggest fan of my bday either but gotta celebrate anyway!! One year closer to death woohoo 🎉🎉 your birthday is the most important day of the year!!! You can’t fight me on this I’m right

Pearls are so good. Like most places I go to don’t add anything to the pearls so it’s just bland squishy balls but the place I frequent adds I think honey to sweeten them. It gives the pearls life istg. It tastes so good 🤤 hollering is a funny word. For some reason I always associate it with yodelling which makes me laugh

Ksks you must be op if you can make a joke in the wall with a door slam. I can’t relate my arms are literally sticks and I have no strength in me. Chrome books are terrible in general. Add my schools terrible wifi and you get one big recipe for disaster. I’d never fight u either (unless it’s for your bday) ily too much for that 🥺🥺🥺

Hahah I think it’s me. I haven’t heard anyone say “go ham” except for the people who go to my school. I find it really funny tho so I try to incorporate it whenever I can LOL easily burnt? Can’t relate but apparently I easily tan. There’s this one diagonal stripe on my shoulder that separates pale me and tan me which ??? How did that happen and what was I wearing for that to happen??

It’s all fun and games until you go outside and see a mountain of snow waiting for you to be shovelled. But there are some good aspects to winter, like skating and skiing and all that fun stuff. Snow is so heavy?? Or maybe I’m just weak but after I finish shovelling I’m beat. Gardening is not my thing. There’s too many bugs involved flying around 🥴

Kind of? I always thought it was short for cappuccino but I could be wrong. They don’t taste like fraps tho, they’re sm better. I was always a frap hoe until I discovered lattes. My old elementary school was close to a Starbucks so whenever frappy hour was happening, my friends and I would go almost every day LOL

I heard that dunkin coffee is really good. Oof there’s so many things that the us have that Canada doesn’t. But apparently you guys don’t have ketchup chips?? How can one live without them? You know that’s what soulmates are, we’re stuck together forever and I don’t mind that. I’d never leave you 😌😌

YES OMG LATTES ARE SO EXPENSIVE. I pay around the same amount and my wallet cries every time. If you ever yeet yourself off a bridge I’d come visit u in hell and bring u iced coffee 💖 we really are soulmates wtf I get almond milk in my lattes as well!! I used to get normal milk and was like “I’m a bad bitch milk can’t hurt me” but that didn’t really work out. Sigh what we do for coffee 😔

Washing dishes is disgusting. I hate doing them but yk someone’s gotta do it and that someone is me 😤 I’m acc lazy when it comes to smoothies, I usually ask my mom to make them LMAO. Pancakes are pretty much made of flour if you think about it so technically when u eat one plain ur eating cooked flour,, how barbaric. Waffles are Built. Like. They have a 20 pack 😪😪

I love angst personally so pls go ham but not too ham I’d like to keep my heart. Honestly at this point my last brain cell has given up on me. But yes I love angst and I love torturing myself with heart wrenching angst that leaves me crying into my pillow at 3am (I’m talking about this one haikyuu fic that I forgot the name of. I was literally dying inside jalsjwo)

Pls do send me peet’s I’ll send you an iced capp in a cooler so it’ll be somewhat melted and probably spilt everywhere 🤪 tumblrs probably gonna block me again, I’m looking at how much I’ve typed rn and it’s a lot lmaoo. Yes I managed to save myself. I redid the whole last with less detail bc I was not Having It but it turned out better?? How is ur drawing now?

I start after labour day in September. But starting in 3 weeks?????? On a Thursday?? I could never wtf. When do you end? I’m so confused with these ap and honours thing, like there’s none offered in my school nor majority of the school district. Are they just advanced classes or something? It is 7 classes a semester or the whole year?

Stan talent i think you meant yourself??? Jsjsksk I am not only ur coffee soulmate I’m not #1 fan as well and I support u bc ily 🥺🥺 the read more tag had me laughing for a hot minute. Like we really could make an essay out of all of our replies. I don’t have any pets (besides fish does that count?) unfortunately bc my moms allergic to fur 🥺 hbu?? (I can’t believe tumblr blocked me again they can fight me)

-

i didn’t even pay LOL i freeloaded off my cousin 🤧 i like to look @ scenery sometimes but like i can’t bc my head hurts LOL and the scenery is always the same for me, mountains and fields with cows. i try to take dramamine but it makes me so drowsy that i’m just basically dead,,, i live off of my cousins money so i’m okay 🤪

tbh i use nestle toll house pre made cookie dough, like that shit actually slaps. it’s the best it’s so good omg, perfect for lazy hoes 🤧 death here we go ! the order is ur bday, then skz debut date, and then christmas i don’t make the rules sorry sis 😤

pearls are Dangerous, i once drank a smoothie and there were pearls in it and i couldn’t see them bc there were like. only 3 and they were Buried under the smoothie but i choked and almost died but i chewed one of them and it’s like. so weird. HOLLERING AND YODELING IM- i once went to some public yodeling class and left in 2 seconds bc it was a bunch of white boys dressed like the kid from walmart 😪

it’s not even strength i’m actually rly weak,, i always think the doors are closed but they’re not and so i like slam them open and the walls are thin so it’s just. a sad hole. terrible wifi,, my school has pretty good wifi tbh but we have like three connections, one for the chrome books only, one for the teachers & staff, and one for students and guests. like it works rly good but everyone has a VPN bc of stupid social media restrictions 😤 & ilyt 🥺 u would probably win in a fight tho LOL

go ham is so interesting. the first time i heard it i thought it meant go pig and i was so confused but ig,,, i live lathered in sun screen whenever i go somewhere with the sun. ppl are like “i smell sun screen” and im just there like 🙃 it’s me u got a problem u burnt chicken nugget ??? i wish i tanned easily, i have a tan friend and when i showed her when my legs got tan she was so confused. i thought i was tan tho? bc during marching band season my sock tan becomes So Bad i’m basically white. she said she was blinded when she saw me pull my sock down and i laughed so hard LOL & i hate those dumb random tan lines like. where u @ bro? where u come from??

snow is fun for like a day and then i get tired LOL i csn only handle wet socks and a red nose for so long 😔 i tried skiing one time and i did so bad that the instructor had to hold me down and walk with me down the slope. i fell so many times i think he hated me 😳 i’m also rly bad at skating? i went w my friends once and i held both of their hands and still managed to bring both of them down when i fell. a cute guy once helped me when i was struggling to walk so 🥴 not my brightest moment tbh,, trying to walk in skates while on ice. do u enjoy skiing/skating? also gardening is. gross. worms and dirt and the sun i’m not here for it.

u: cappuccinos! me: ...ice bergs,,, now that i think about it fraps kinda suck,,, i used to think i was So Cool for drinking starbucks but now i’m like. wow. i used to think there was coffee in a frap but it’s just. sugar and ice LOL also speaking of tmrw is bogo fraps here,, idk if it’s all over the world but myb u should check it out 😪

dunkins okay it depends on what you get, i once got an iced latte and it was good but my dad got an iced coffee and he like. hated it so we had to switch and it was so bad like. it was coffee crime. it was horrible and not strong it was basically milk 😤 also,, ketchup chip? i just googled what that was and. that’s literally so weird. fun fact i hate ketchup and all other condiments i can only eat bbq sauce and i tolerate steak sauce

UR LITERALLY SO CUTE OKAY UR MINE NOW HHHH

i mentioned this in the other ask but. we going broke bitches club 😪 when u come visit me it’ll be old town road the one w mason ramsey on a loop. nothing will top the og remix but no, i’ll be stuck listening to some 5 year old rap for all of eternity

I USED TO BE SUCH A GOOD KID AND DRINK MILK EVERY MORNING ever since i got to middle school i preferred sleep over waffles and milk and i hardly drink milk but when i do. my stomach does not have it.

my mom made me wash dishes today and she just stared at me when i put ziploc bags on my hands bc we didn’t have gloves but i just painted my nails and i’m not abt to put myself thru chipped nails. not yet 😤 waffles are so good like i love waffles and lattes only 🤧

well i’ll go very ham (am i doing it right LOL) 😤 the angst ending is a lot better than the open ended or happy ones LOL i’m so excited for it 🥺 i’m rly tryna get it out before the end of this month bc the edit says july and it’ll make me Mad if i don’t get it out before the end of this month

i wanna start in september 🤧 and i usually end in the first week of june. also on a wednesday LOL it’s gross. stupid. ap means advanced placement so it’s just. a college level class. lowkey mad bc i’m taking ap euro (as a sophomore 😒) and other schools take it in their senior years? apparently this is normal? and honors are just faster paced classes with more weighting so,, idrk oops 😬 some people take 7 classes in a semester but i took it for the whole year! this year i’m dropping orchestra i’m Not for that spit in the carpet life

the only talent in this house goes by ada and jisung. i don’t make the rules. i’m ur #1 fan 🥺 as soon as u post anything i automatically smash that rb button LOL also put a read more here bc like. we’re really out here writing a whole ass essay. i’ll look @ all our convos bet it’ll be like. a lot. i don’t wanna say smth and be off so i’ll just not. i have a dog! he’s the cutest in the world and i love him sm 🥺 tumblr can fight me first like. what’s this ask limit bull hhhhh

[lifeiszestyy]

*6/6/2019

*another long day of being very tired and going to another viewing. i woke up at 5:30am bc i was hungry but i didn’t want to move... i was awake for like three hours before forcing myself back to sleep. i woke up again around 11:30am?? i was.... so tired. i was just laying around. i think california pollen is more potent than washington pollen lmao. i’m so sniffly

*it was another four hours for the viewing. i kind of fell asleep during the rosary ........... oops. my dad’s side of the family was there which was cool. we had a mini mass and i had to read in front of the crowd but it was alright. i was nervous because my mom tried to send me up there before i was supposed to so i had to squash a panic attack in like a minute and it fucking sucked. public speaking doesn’t bother me that much, it’s just the anticipation and if i feel like i made a mistake beforehand, but it turned out okay. after the mass, there was a volunteer time to go to the podium and talk about grandpa so after a few people went, i went up too and my dad’s side of the family got super excited. i think everyone knows that i was a Very Quiet Very Shy child so they’re very proud of me. my grandma was very happy. i’m sure grandpa is too

*my cousin’s friend was there and her car was broken into... like someone actually smashed the window and stole her work bag during the service. her car doesn’t have an alarm because it’s super old.... we were all like wtf

*i cried a little bit more today but i haven’t broken down..... i’m hoping to keep that up. i don’t like being full of snot in public. also i have to be strong for my mom. it was already hard for me to see my dad when his dad passed away... i feel like that was when i broke last time. when my other grandfather was being put into the ground, my dad who is Very Strong... i never saw him cry until that moment and it still fucks me up when i think about it. my mom’s been crying a lot so i’ve been all... single tear, holding everything back, but even when it’s a single tear, my nose drips So Much. my nose is The Worst. sometimes i’m on the verge of tears but i’m not crying but my nose will drip So much anyway.

*ugh i have to wake up early tomorrow... i’m gonna watch sarazanmai (rip) and then go to sleep

*10:51pm

<:3c

[mindvoids]

tw; suicide, self harm, smoking

valentine’s day was so draining

i woke up at A’s to him leaving, saying he would be back and nothing else. it didn’t occur to me something might be wrong bc i was so sleepy, so i went back to sleep. it was when i woke up half an hour, an hour later, that i texted him asking if everything was alright, and all he said was “no”, then, “will be tho”. and i was so scared in that moment. my first thought was the he wasn’t okay, and then it immediately went to AJ. but when i asked, he implied it wasn’t him or AJ.

i left bc he said he probably wouldn’t be home in a while, but i was so worried. not even for whoever he was with (bc i assumed he was with someone at that point), which maybe is a bad thing? but for him. because he takes on so much and i know how overwhelming it is and i know he struggles not to… i don’t know, make it personal in a way i guess? he puts it on himself, just like i do, and i was scared because i knew he still had his scissors…

((( and i felt a bit shitty bc does that make me too attached? to not be able to work or think because i’m so worried for my boyfriend? he keeps telling me not to be dependent, but i don’t entirely know what that means. i know i don’t depend on him for my own life. i don’t want to think about him dying because please fucking god no, i don’t know what i’d do, but… i know i wouldn’t die. i’d be fucking devastated and i don’t think i’d stop crying for a solid fucking year, but i wouldn’t die. he told me once that L used to say to him she would die if he did. and no, i wouldn’t die. but in a metaphorical sense, it would kill me. i haven’t even known him for a year, but i can’t imagine a world without him. not even my world, but the world in general. i don’t want to think about it )))

so i was worrying about him and his safety when five minutes after i got home i got a text saying “AJ tried to kill herself”, and i didn’t know what to do, what to say. all i could think was fuck fuck fuck please no

i struggle with crying, but i sat down and cried for a minute or so before i just felt empty again, as usual. and i texted him back and eventually found out he was at the ER, so i went to find it as fast as i could. i was so scared for everyone, not just him. AJ and B and SF and S and the world, bc i can’t imagine a world without AJ, either. she’s just. so insanely good. she’s so kind and caring and funny and so fucking important 

i found A in the parking lot and his eyes were red and puffy and i just hugged him for a few minutes, feeling slightly uncomfy because now both of us were just standing in the parking lot crying as people walked by. we got into the car and cried a bit more until we decided to go inside and the immediately let us in.

and it was weird? bc here was AJ, cuts along her entire forearm (and i just kept thinking she doesn’t deserve this, to feel this way… and neither does A, because the other part of my brain was just breaking because that sight was new to me, but not to him), and the three of us were just laughing. fucking standing in the room dabbing and whipping and cracking jokes despite the fact that AJ theoretically could have died

((( she couldn’t have. not with what she took – just a handful of melatonin and ibuprofen. but that’s the other scary part. because later we’re just sitting there and the doctor is explaining this and how she would have had to take over 100 pills of ibuprofen to hurt herself and A, sitting right next to me, murmurs the exact fucking number. and i didn’t know what to do. i just froze and my heart fucking shattered and i squeezed his hand, held it too tightly, because i was suddenly empty. he knows how much it takes, and that terrifies me. i love him so fucking much, even though i’m shit at showing it )))

we were in the hospital from around 9:30am to 4:00pm. i missed two classes, but it’s fine. we were joined later by AJ’s cousin and AJ & A’s squad + another friend. and i nearly cried once we had all snuck in at the same time, because i was just hoping AJ knew in that moment how loved she was. so many people sitting around her, putting their fucking feet in a circle. i don’t know who said it, might’ve been me, i don’t know, but someone said all of us – this dumb fucking group of distraught and loving people – were her family, and i just hope she felt safe and happy and loved in that moment. 

we had to leave later, bc AJ was taken into observation and most of us had class. i took in absolutely nothing during that class period with A bc all i could think of was nothing and everything at the same time. i went home after as A went to training for his volunteer position and then the next wildly emotional thing happened.

i was just sitting there on the couch and i get this fucking text from my mom that just says “so honey, i just told your dad about you and A”. and my stomach dropped because did my dad hate me now? because that’s what i was expecting, 100%

((( maybe it wasn’t fair of me to think my dad would hate me because i’m dating a transman i dunno but. i have trouble talking about this to A because i don’t think he’d like to hear that i was “scared” to tell my family because he’s trans. he might not even like that my family knows he’s trans in the first place. it really wasn’t my place to tell, not without asking him first. i was stupid to say anything to my mom without permission from A, but once i had, there was no taking it back )))

instead of hate, my mother tells me something completely different. that my dad wasn’t really surprised (about my sexuality, not about the fact that i’m dating a trans guy), and that he loved me, and that i’m his daughter and it’s my life to live. so of course i’m immediately crying on the couch for the second time that day (for like. a minute ofc) because holy fuck. i’m out to my entire family and not one of them hates me. i can talk about A in front of my dad and it’s okay. they love me, and i know my mom likes A and i think my dad will too and everything is okay and it’s such a sharp contrast to how the day started that when A came later that night, i was just so exhausted. so fucking drained, so many emotions.

and of course

i couldn’t

fucking

cry

no matter how much i wanted to, because i really did. i just wanted to cry on A’s shoulder about AJ, about my dad, about everything, and i couldn’t, because something is wrong and i don’t know what it is but i miss crying a lot.

so there’s all that, and then there’s the other connected thing. A’s smoking. 

i know why he’s been doing it, i understand that need for a sort of a crutch. so i literally don’t have the capability to judge him for it, but i still don’t like it. i don’t want him to become addicted to it again, because i don’t want to be in that environment. i don’t want him to constantly smell of smoke, i don’t want his lungs and throat to be black and his teeth yellow. i want him to be safe physically and mentally, but i don’t know how to help him because he won’t tell me when he wants to smoke. i can’t stop him if i’m not with him. if he smokes again today, i’m scared he won’t stop. and he really needs to, because he’s smoked the last two days, and i know he doesn’t want to be addicted again either. i want to help him find a better crutch, but how can i do that if he won’t help himself by… i don’t know, calling me if he’s standing there wanting to smoke? texting me, letting me know? i don’t know what to do, but if he smokes again, i’m going to need to talk to him about it.

because i’m not saying i’m going to marry him – it’s way too early to say that holy shit – but in the end, i couldn’t be that seriously involved with someone with an actual smoking addiction (which he doesn’t really have). ugh, dunno. i’m not going to leave him for smoking when he’s stressed right now ObViOuSlY, bc i love him a lot, so much it scares me, but i just don’t know what the hell to do

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #175

“imagine living like a king someday, a single night without a ghost in the walls.”

Have you ever had a teacher hit on you? Not to my recollection. Have you ever seen your ex’s new partner? If so, what do you think of them? I don't know or care if he currently has one. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months? Done it twice now, it's not difficult if you're picky and serious with who you date. Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? Well my mom was somewhat aware of things that were happening. What was the last piece of candy you ate? Good question. I got my tongue re-pierced because of a bar length issue with swelling, and now this one is just shy of long enough to disable me from biting down entirely (they're snake eyes, so across the tip). I'm only just getting back into eating soft things very slowly unless I want pain, so candy's a no. I have to wait no less than three weeks to get a correctly-sized bar, and it's only been just over one aaaahhh. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted? No. Is your room painted or wallpapered? Painted. What is the best kind of pizza in your opinion? I'm an American I stan them meat lovers. Is there something that someone has done to you that you cannot forgive? No. Well actually idk, I still don't know for *sure* if I forgive him. Like I'm completely over it and it no longer affects me, but I could never ever ever ever look at him even remotely the same or even consider trusting him. I don't think that's supposed to happen when you forgive someone. Have you ever broken a plate/bowl? Accidentally by dropping. What is your favorite restaurant? Olive Garden. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Do you know anyone who has a homosexual parent? No. What type of music could this world live without? Pure screamo (no, not as a carpet term for metal). Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. Who’s the last person you cried over? Does myself count? Did the house you grew up in have a fence? Yeah, but not all around. What’s your YouTube channel name? 0zzkat. Who of your FB friends has the cutest toddler(s)? Uhhhh idk. Anastasia's baby girl is pretty cute, I guess. Did you decorate pumpkins this year? No. :/ They were totally gone the day we were gonna get one (the day before Halloween so no, we weren't that surprised lmao). What’s the craziest color you’d dye your hair? More like what color WOULDN'T I dye it? What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? Uhhh. Idk. Name a video game you can play over and over again? Shadow of the Colossus. I've beaten it around 30 times. Would be more if I didn't lose the disc, buuut it's actually coming in the mail now! What is something that will make you laugh instantly? Don't show me that fucking Linkin Park "crawling in my crawl" worm video. Name a movie you wouldn’t watch solely based on its name? None come to mind. What’s your dearest souvenir? *shrugs* What was the last strong scent you smelled? Probably coffee bc of Mom. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? If so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? Long instance + same-sex simultaneously. Distance is fucking hard when you really want each other's company, especially for emotional support. Being same-sex makes me nervous due to potential violent homophobics, especiiiiaaaally living where I do. I do it regardless, but even just holding hands leaves me worrying some asshole is going to cause a problem. I know my sister's husband isn't at all fond of it either and I'm 99% sure he's why Sara's never met the kids. But anyway, all those things are absolutely worth it. Would you ever consider something like a poly relationship, assuming everyone involved was alright with it? What are some things you think you would or wouldn’t like about it? Absolutely not, because I strictly believe in the exclusiveness of love. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? Colleen, probably. We are just about the antitheses of each other, yet we were "best friends." We disagreed too frequently, she was drama-ravenous, we kept leaving and coming back, etc. No, we don't talk now, and I refuse to ever do so again as friends. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? No. I absolutely do not believe in "making amends" with your abuser. Keep them the fuck out of your life. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? Toxic... you mean Colleen? Did it too many times, and no, she didn't. Do you feel like your age matches your emotional development? If not, what age level or maturity level do you feel best represents where you’re at? Part of me says no, another says yes. I guess it depends on the subject. What is one thing about your personality that embarrasses you, but you can’t seem to change it no matter how hard you try? Have other people called you out on this embarrassing thing? Being socially awkward as all hell, and yes. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? I was playing Spyro just earlier today lmao. In almost all cases, no. I do believe that something like a full-grown adult playing pretend with dolls or something may be questionable, but even then there's not a real reason I can give you. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? Something PTSD-related, but I can't remember exactly what it was, I guess because I got past it pretty quickly. There are certain songs I should avoid, I canNOT look at the medicine I ODed on, I don't like seeing or being near large knives at all... If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? All of them, yeah. What is a complaint you have about the mental health industry or about the type of treatment you’ve received from a mental health service? Have you ever had any particularly bad therapy experiences? I feel that too many people working in the field care far more about the pay than the people. I can't guarantee a professional truly cared about what I was dealing with until Holly Hill. I've had one particularly horrible psychiatrist that threw diagnoses and pills around like they were nothing (the most ridiculous being ADHD, which I in no way exhibited), and a long-time therapist I had was pretty bad, something I realized only after I started with my current one. She was strict about that "you've got an hour, you're staying an hour, you're leaving no later" shit, and we always ran out of things to talk about so I'd just be sitting there super uncomfortably and numerous times start crying because I felt so awkward, and she'd just take it as a sign that I wasn't telling her something. She drove "and how does that make you feel" and "what're you thinking of" into the goddamn ground. Yeesh, having been a mental health patient for so long, I could really write a novel here. When was the last time you realized you might be the source of a problem and NOT someone else? Hm, idk. I'm so uninvolved with others that that's a hard question to answer. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? HAVING THE BOTTOMS OF YOUR PANTS GET WET. I hate chapped lips, too. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes? Horizontal. Have you ever ridden a motorcycle? No. Are you ticklish? YEAH. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol? No. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? I wouldn’t. Have you ever been in a submarine? No. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? Only hot tubs. Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's hard lemonade. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Idk, I was a baby. What was your first detention for? Too many tardies. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid? No. Have you ever been on radio? No. How long has your longest ever phone call been? A few hours. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? Ummm I guess some kind of chicken is common? When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? Idk. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? Uhhhh how am I blanking, I change my mind on things every five minutes. Who was the last friend you saw, and what did you do together? Sara's both my girlfriend but also the only "friend" I ever hang with now even tho we live several states apart lmao. I was there two weeks, so we did an array of stuff. Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else’s dreams? Hell, I barely ever remember my dreams. Jason still shows up maybe ehhhh around or maybe less than once a month, and I have no clue why other than maybe there's some PTSD effects I don't actually detect or something? It's not like I think about him much, so I really don't see why he shows up, but the theme is constant: awkwardness seeing each other again, and he sometimes tries to get back with me (thank FUCKING GOD even in my dreams, I don't). Sara's in some dreams that I remember. Mom, maybe. What is something you wish you could say to someone who is no longer in your life, or something you wish they could know? Nothing. What is something you do to feel better when you’re scared? I'll usually turn to YouTube for a distraction. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? Mom. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? Probably Bite Me by idr-who. I actually don't remember. What was the last thing you broke? How about fixed? Another sensor came off the keyboard. :') I dunno about fixed. Is there a sign or symbol that means a lot to you for whatever reason (eg. seeing certain animals or birds, 11:11 or other repeating numbers, syncs, butterflies, hearts in nature, etc)? Butterflies and semicolons. Hence my semicolon butterfly tattoo. Do you have any personal ghost stories or paranormal experiences? Yeah. What do you get complimented on the most? My hair. What is something unusual that you find attractive? why does?????? everyone hate fedoras tbh?????????? What time do you tend to eat your first meal of the day? And your last? BOY this varies so much like fuck. Sometimes I don't eat breakfast at all, sometimes I do right when I get outta bed. Dinner can be at like almost 10:00 with Mom's schedule, or I may have it like five hours earlier. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I'm getting into a horror LPer and I'm binging her Silent Hill playthroughs. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? I like pink but bloody guts and brains are cool 2. What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? N/A What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play video/computer games. Have you ever been close to drowning? No. Do you watch any Japanese anime? Not currently, but I've kinda had the urge to pick an interesting one up? Do you have someone who is protective of you (father, brother, etc.)? Mom and Sara above anyone else. Where was the last place you went, that you hadn’t been to before? Uhhhhh good question. I don't exactly go to new places often. Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? I don't believe so off the top of my head? Then again I think everyone has little bad habits they don't try to improve upon, but I can't think of anything serious. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? I'm sure something with Mom, but idk what. Are you good at committing to things like Nanowrimo or Inktober? Nope. What is your preferred method of expressing yourself? Writing. Or drawing if I'm in the mood. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? I tried to reach the suicide hotline via their online one-on-one chatroom because I was too afraid to actually call, but I ended up waiting I think 45 minutes before the OD happened. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? I drove at night and ordered food at a drive-thru myself. It went well. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I have a strong sense of right and wrong. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? Depression as a whole. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Social life, success, and motivation to name a few. Is there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? Sure. Mental health stuff flares up sometimes if I think about some things too deeply. What was the last thing you argued or debated about? Did you eventually agree, or did you have to agree to disagree? Getting rid of Bentley, and neither, really. Mom knows we shouldn't have him for a world of reasons, yet she refuses to try to find a far more suitable home for him or at least talk to Nicole about it (he's her dog, but she doesn't live here), who's never even paid him almost any attention. I could rant about this for hours. What is something you wish was different about your family? THAT WE WERE CLOSER. What is your main struggle or focus in life right now? Getting out of the house/becoming more of a functioning adult. Are you more dramatic or stoic? I'm neither extreme, really, but I'd say I'm much further from stoic. Are you on medication for anything? If so, do you feel like it helps? Have you ever been afraid to take medication or had a particularly bad experience with it? A lot, but the only ones I feel don't work are the ones for my tremors and knees. I was on one med for a while that I was scared to take because it made me vomit (safe to say I wasn't on it long), and even my life-saver med made me sick at first, but I took prescription nausea pills to ride that out as my body adjusted. Do you prefer having long or short nails? Short, but not too short. When was the last time you had an argument with one of your parents? Idr. Do you tend to eat the same few things all the time or do you vary your intake? Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? Are there any commonly enjoyed foods that you don’t like? I'm picky and definitely have a limited palate. Some foods I can think of for the last question include fried chicken, BBQ, watermelon, tacos, all cheeses but American, aaaand I'm blanking again in an area I should have a book about. Do you have good body image? Do you feel more confident about your body or your personality? What is one thing about yourself about which you do feel particularly confident? Ha, as if, so personality. I like how open-minded I am. How likely are you to compliment other people? How do you react or respond when you receive a compliment? What are your favorite types to receive? It depends on the person, the atmosphere, and my anxiety level. I sometimes fear complimenting people because I don't want someone to be like "um why is she talking to me?"/"is she flirting with me?"/"why did she notice that?", etc. I become so giddy (at the very least internally) when people compliment me because of how my self-esteem is, and I really appreciate them. The compliments that mean most to me are regarding my photography. With how badly I want to be a successful photographer, people seeming to genuinely like what I do has actually made me smile like an idiot and giggle publicly. It just means a lot to me. Describe the last thing you reblogged? How many posts do you tend to reblog during a day? A clip of Mark having a fit over a dog in RDR2. How much I reblog varies greatly; depends on how much I get on Tumblr that day, what I feel like sharing at that moment, what I queue... Have you ever lost your cool at work or somewhere else important? What happened as a result? No. Do you listen to your friends’ advice when they give it to you? Depends. If it's Sara, I usually do. What’s the last kind of soup you ate? Vegetable. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It is pierced. The most memorable time that you skipped school, what did you do? I don't recall. Did you ever have a favorite teacher in high school? What made them your favorite? Coach Collie. He was very friendly, wise, his sense of humor was great, he cared deeply for his students, was super chill, shared life advice all the time, etc. etc. Can you think of a time when you were really obviously judged by your appearance? What happened? Not that I recall. What’s something your mother told you growing up that you actually listened to? Mind your manners. What are three emotions you experience regularly? Stress, content, but also discontent. What is your favorite Halloween candy? Reese's. Is there anyone who refuses to communicate with you? *shrugs* What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? Something for vocational rehab. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? I don't have a job or drive. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? When I found out one of my closest high school friends is pregnant. I was obviously happy for her. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? Anger; envy (but it's not often). Have you ever gone somewhere in your pajamas? What makes this acceptable or unacceptable to you? Plenty times, but it depends on my level of shits given and the location. Honestly wish pjs were more acceptable in public places cuz like why not, you've got clothes on, just don't go around where everyone can totally see your dick, ass, or tits. Other than the usual things like IDs, etc, what do you always carry with you when you go out? My phone. What type of photography do you enjoy looking at? Do you take any photos yourself, and if so, what types of things do you prefer to photograph? LOTS!!!! I particularly love fantasy-styled portraiture or macabre work, and omg give me soft lighting. I'm a sucker for emotive or conceptual portraits and the like. I like to photograph an array of things, but my faves are nature and animals. Have you ever gone out for the Black Friday shopping rush? Did you enjoy it, or not so much? Or, what’s the busiest shopping day you’ve ever experienced? Nope. Busiest shopping day I indirectly experienced was when I worked at GameStop during the holiday season... nope. It's a small store and it was flooded. I hated it. Idk about one where I/my family was the shopper. Do you enjoy reading diaries or stories you wrote from when you were younger, or does it embarrass you? If you’ve kept them, was there a particular reason for hanging on to them so long? No. No. No. NO. I can't stomach going any further back than '15 at the RP forum because fucking cringe. All old stuff like physical journals and such, they're long gone because I never want to see them again lmao. What would you say was your first true hobby? What about your most recently developed one? Hmmm, probably video games were the first things I was *really* deep into. Recently developed... good question. Is there one thing that throws off your mood more than others, whether it be lack of sleep, lack of food, heat/cold, etc? I'M FUCKING /CRANKY/ IF I'M HOT. Serious lack of sleep makes me moodier. What is one common area of life in which you feel you have little to no experience (college, children, marriage, etc)? Work and independence. What kinds of things are you likely to complain about? HEAT. If it's hot to me, you're gonna know. I'll complain if my stomach especially hurts, sometimes with other pain. Do you like to put any extra effort into your food in terms of presentation, or do you prefer to just put it on a plate and eat it as it is, no frills? I don't cook, so. But I'd definitely be the latter. When was the last time you were mean or rude to someone else? How about the last time someone acted that way toward you? I hung up on this insurance agency or whatever they are that call me every other goddamn day. I dunno about the second question. What kinds of things are most likely to make you lose your temper? Have you ever done something regrettable or embarrassing while angry? I fucking dare you to ridicule the mentally ill in front of me. Goddamn dare you. For the second part, not to my recollection. Do you have a large dog? No, both our dogs are medium-sized. If not, are you afraid of them? Not at all. Do your parents know that/if you smoke? I don't. What is the reason you last received money? Mom borrowed some from me so she was paying me back. Is anyone in your family sick? Not to my knowledge. Are you very upfront about things or do you "beat around the bush"? The latter, typically. Do you ever write poetry just to get your feelings out? Not really anymore. Middle and high school? I was all about it. I wrote only one poem this year. How many bones have you broken? None. Whose house did you visit last? My sister Ashley's. Have you ever bought a fragrance by a celeb because you liked who it was? No. Do you have a gazebo at your house? No. What’s your favorite brand of bottled water? Essentia.