#I didn't take my meds today and I'm exhausted

[arcaneyouth]

this week started off so strong with me getting so much work done so fast i didn't even know what to do with myself, and every single day since then i've been face down on the floor

[russellsppttemplates]

We're a couple of idiots, aren't we? (Charles Leclerc)

You had always been there to see Charles race and you wouldn't let your fight interfere with that

Note: english is not my first language. I'm not the best at writing angst pieces, but I hope this one is decent enough!

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm taking requests so if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to do so as I'll try to get to them the best I can!

my masterlist

Tw: family issues (alludes to the caregiver necessities), couple fight

Tag list: @myloverjk-blog

It all began when you came home later than expected, the tiredness evident in your eyes as you paced your bag down on the sofa and allowed yourself to rest for a little, "Hey, amour", Charles whispered, testing to see if you were awake as he walked inside the living room, "hey", you said, patting the seat next to you.

Kissing your forehead, Charles sat next to you, "how was your day?", he asked, rubbing your thigh, "exhausting", you sighed, "and the next few are going to be even worse. I probably won't be home for dinner tomorrow anyway".

Charles felt uneasy, squirming around in his seat. You had been working a lot, your family also needed you on their side since your grandparents needed more assistance these days, so you and Charles haven't been able to spend that much time together. And wether it was the fact that you're used to being around eachother or the fact that the season was not going as expected, Charles felt like he hadn't spent enough time with the person he considered his safe and happy place.

"You have been very busy, I feel like I've hardly spent time with you", Charles noted, and maybe it was a seemingly honest comment that wasn't intended to be taken as harmful as you did.

"I know I've not been home, Charles, you think I don't feel that too? I know we haven't spent much time together just the two of us, but it's not been easy! Everyone needs me here, there and everywhere at the same time, and I also need time for me!", you let out.

Unexpectedly, your words also impacted Charles in a way you didn't think they would, "I know you've been busy, but we also need to spend time together, no? Or is our relationship not something we should invest time on? In a relationship, we both need eachother", he gulped. A weird and new feeling sat in his chest, like he was pressuring you and that he was burdening you.

"We do, but we also need to let eachother have some time, too!", you said, feeling anger, sadness, and overall tiredness from your recent days, "I'm going to bed", you mumbled, getting up and heading for your shared bedroom.

The energy you had left in your body was only enough to allow you to wash your face, noticing the dull and dark tone as you quickly rubbed some moisturiser on, grabbing your pyjamas to out them on and lay in bed, taking a painkiller for the growing headache.

When Charles finally go to the bedroom, he noticed you were already asleep on your side of the bed, carefully walking along the side so he could kiss your forehead before he too got ready for bed.

.

By the time the next morning arrived, Charles had ready left, and when you grabbed your phone, notifications from various WhatsApp groups popped up.

Mum + Dad

Can you go by grandma's house today? She was complaining of some pain and we can't remember if her meds box is sorted out or not.

Ferrari GP Weekend

Okay, just to make sure I'm not leaving anyone out: Y/N, you're not coming this weekend, right?

Since your family had been needing you to spend more time with them and at home, you had already said that you weren't sure you'd be joining them for that Grand Prix, and last night's fight settled the subject.

Texting both of the groups, you got up and got ready for the day, already knowing it was going to be a tough one.

You and Charles didn't fight a lot, at least not like this. Usually, you always found a way to talk about things and sort them out. So even this was new territory, not having talked about the subject and finding a common ground, because the situation you both left it at the night before was not the one to have.

Throughout the day, you hopefully texted Charles saying that you'd try to be home so you could talk to eachother before he left later on the evening, and while you intended to keep it, you had to text him again

To Charles

I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be home until nighttime. My grandma needs me and it's going to take a while.

Have a safe flight. Can you text me when you land, please? Love you ✨️

True to your word, you sat in your bedroom with the moon already shinning through the windows and showcasing perfectly Charles' bedside table with none of his rings, watch and bracelets where he usually put them when he was at the house.

.

"Why did I arrive to the paddock today only to find out that you are not joining me this weekend?", Francisca said over the phone, apparently not even bothering to wish you a good morning, even though it clearly wasn't one.

"Because I've been the busiest bee ever under the sun, and I also had a fight with Charles, and I need to sleep for three days straight to recover", you replied back, noticing the change in Pierre's girlfriend's tone.

"Oh", she added, "I'm sorry, it's just that you're always here and I haven't been able to talk to him properly yet, maybe it's a good thing I haven't yet", she admitted.

One thing you liked about her, was how honest she was with you, and you needed it right now, "do you think I should go? We left the subject hanging and it's not something light we can just solve over the phone. And besides, I've always been there for these races, and he deserves as much support as he can get", you asked, chewing on your bottom lip as you waited for her answer.

"I have no idea why you fought, nor do I want to know unless you feel comfortable in telling me, but I do know that you're made for eachother, so if your heart tells you to come to the race, you should", she advised and you could hear the smile on her voice, "besides, I love your company, so it's a win win".

.

From all the times you had previously travelled with Charles, you had become acquainted and a pro a listing what you needed for the race weekends, so packing was easy and quick: two changes of clothes for both colder and warmer weather, basic toiletries bag in a backpack with entertainment and snacks for the flight.

The early hours allowed you to get to the airport without any traffic and make it to the gate with enough time to spare so you could grab a coffee to go.

Francisca knew you were coming, and after having a conversation with your family, you explained to them how the whole situation was putting pressure not only on you but also on your relationship with Charles. As you expected, they were not aware of how the situation was on your side and sat down with you so you could find a better arrangement.

Arriving at the airport of destination, you quickly found the transport line that would be taking you to the closest stop near the paddock, gradually seeing fans get inside as the stops approached the track site.

You followed them in, wanting to go as unnoticed as possible as you walked along them.

"I just saw on Instagram that Charles had left his hotel a while ago, so he should be here any minute now", a young woman around your age commented with her friends, stopping by the benches you were sitting in. Turns out you were waiting for the same person after all.

"Is it okay if we sit here?", one of them asked kindly, "Oh, you're Y/N", one of the girls said.

Nodding, you pushed your backpack to rest near your legs, "of course you can sit", you smiled, still not used to the fact that fans often recognised your face.

"Thanks!", she scurried nervously, urging her friends to sit, seeing their surprised faces as they looked at you, "Also, I'm sorry, I'm sure this is weird for you, that I know your name and you don't know mine, I- we didn't expect to find you here", she apoligised, finally sitting down.

"It's okay, unless you're going to turn out to be come crazy stalker fan, I think we will be fine", you smiled, hoping they would catch the joke and relax a little.

"No no no!", they all said, smiling when you smiled back, "but, may I ask what you're doing here? I mean, don't you have an all access pass?", one of them wondered as she sat next to you.

"I'm surprising Charles, actually", you added, feeling like saying anything else would not only be violating yours and Charles' privacy, but also allowing the creation of rumours you wouldn't want, "I wasn't originally coming to see him race, but some things cleared up on my calendar so I thought I'd surprise him", you finished, seeing them smile, "do you come to watch races regularly?", you asked, changing the subject hopefully subtly enough that they wouldn't notice too much.

Conversation was flowing easily, really, they seemed like really nice girls and it never felt invasive, so the time you had to wait went by quickly, hearing people call your boyfriend's name.

You could notice his presence anywhere, that was a given. Wether it was his well trained torso that made spotting him even from his back, or his handsome face, it wasn't hard yo miss him even surrounded by fans who were wearing the same t-shirt as him.

"Let me stand around you so he won't notice me", you said, "with how enamoured he is of you, I'm sure it won't be long", one of the girls, named Lyla, you learned, spoke, wanting to see the scene unfold as he approached you.

"Hi!", Charles greeted, posing for the pictures while he signed the caps they had, not noticing your hand holding one of his own caps was in the mix.

"Charles! Can you sign this, please?", you asked, hoping you were loud enough, "I was not coming to see you race today, but I'm very happy I did", you almost yelled, thanking the fact that the other girls had helped you by keeping quiet until he realised you were there.

It was enough for Charles to recognise the voice. After all, he had been longing to hear it for the past couple of days.

"Y/N, you're here!", he called, handing Lyla the permanent marker before he hugged you, "I missed you so much, I'm sorry", he whispered on your ear before pulling back a little so he could look you in the eye, "you don't have a pass, do you?", he wondered, seeing you shake your head, "I'll see what I can do, but you're coming with me", he smiled, holding your hand in his and bidding goodbye to the group of girls after you all took a group picture.

The rush until you arrived in his driver's room didn't allow you to talk until you sat on the sofa after greeting everyone and thanking one of the team members for getting you a pass on such short notice.

"Do you think we can talk about it? I don't want to ruin the race by distracting you from it, but I don't think we should be here and not discuss it either", you brought the subject, looking up to see Charles push a chair and sit in front of you, "I want to apologise first", you said, "I never should have said what I said, especially the way I said it, I'm sorry", you apologised, "I never intended it in a way that would hurt you".

Charles grabbed your hands, lacing them in his and looking into your eyes, "I'm sorry, too. I think we should talk about it, too. I want this to be solved, I want us to be well", he admitted.

"My grandparents have been needing a bit more help, and my parents counted on me for it. And I feel like I haven't spent that much time with you, and I'm so sorry for it, but sometimes it just got too much. And I didn't want to burden you, you have your own things to worry about and this would be another thing. They're better now and this was probably a bad phase, but still", you explained.

Charles chuckled before he saw the confusion on your face, "no, I'm joking about this, amour. I'm glad they're better", he reasoned, "but I thought I was being a burden because I felt like I was clingy, like I needed you more than usual and that you had had enough. I didn't want to put more on your plate", he sighed.

Smiling at him, you moved your hand to caress his cheek, "you could never be too much, Charles. Sometimes I just need to deal with things on my own for a bit, even if there is help from someone else", you blushed.

"I know you need me to give you the space you need, that's why I didn't want to push you to talk about things, because as much as I want to craddle you in my arms forever and shield you away from the world's evil, I know you like to do things on your own, at least at first", he noted, earning your silent agreement, "but I'm here for you, always. I'm glad we worked that out", he smiled, pulling your face to his and kissing you deeply, only stopping when someone knocked on the door.

"I heard my favourite girl is back in the paddock, so I suggest you come out because I'm not feeling like I want to see whatever is going on there", your recognised Francisca's voice, getting up and opening the door to see Pierre by her side, "I told her she shouldn't interrupt you two, but she was very excited to know how the surprise went", he smiled.

"A very good surprise indeed, the best one ever", Charles said, pulling you in for one last kiss before he ventured out to the garage, a new feeling of confidence knowing you were there to watch him race.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I broke up with my girlfriend for not taking her meds?

My (24M) girlfriend (28F) has bipolar and BPD. We've been together coming up on 3 years now. For the last half a year we were together it was pretty rough and turbulent, she was unmedicated and was having suicidal breakdowns almost every day, ended up in hospital several times, threatened and got into physical altercations with other girls who spoke to me or she thought were flirting with me, and I was spending almost every single day of my life having to take hours to talk her down from suicide or self-harm. It was emotionally exhausting and as someone who's also had suicide attempts in the past it was also incredibly triggering and damaging to my own mental health.

For additional context as to why I feel the way I do, my last girlfriend also had diagnosed BPD and NPD and when she stopped taking her medication she became fully abusive both physically and verbally and it took me a year of being absolutely beaten down to finally snap and leave her.

(Obvious note: I'm not saying everyone with bipolar, BPD, or NPD is abusive or that these illnesses inherently make you abusive. They were an abuser who just happened to have those things, and that played into how they acted and thought/felt.)

Current girlfriend eventually got medication and has been doing much better for most of the time since then. When she's on her meds she's a wonderful and generally pretty healthy partner - she's supportive, understanding of my boundaries, checks in with me, she's a year clean from self-harm, hasn't displayed any kind of self-destructive behaviour. She's gotten a job and managed to hold it down (got fired from several jobs in the past because of her daily meltdowns meaning she wasn't attending work), she's started exercising and going to the gym, she's picked up new hobbies, made new friends, she's just been doing great in general.

For about the past month though, she started going days without taking her medication and when I reminded her she would say she didn't want to, that she hated taking it, that she doesn't like the way it makes her feel etc. This is something my last girlfriend said too, and I know it's really common for people with BPD (and maybe bipolar too?) to stop taking their medication because they feel emotionally flat in comparison to how they feel off of the meds. I pretty much said that I couldn't handle going back to how she acts when she's off of the medication again and that if she was going to stop taking them then I didn't think our relationship would last through that kind of period again because last time it completely destroyed my mental health, my sleep, my life and several of my relationships due to how much energy and time I was having to put into her vs. myself and everything else. I suggested asking her doctor/psychiatrist/etc. for another dosage change or meds switch again to see if that would work better (though up until recently they have seemed to be working great so I'm not sure how good of an idea switching it up again would be).

She agreed at the time but I was kind of concerned about whether she'd been keeping up with it or not because over the last few weeks I've already noticed things devolving again - her screaming at me out of nowhere and having mood swings, intense jealousy and possessiveness, impulsive behaviour, even a couple of breakdowns again and having to talk her out of self-harm for the first time in over a year. True enough, today I found out she's been pretending to take her medication and throwing them out. When I confronted her about it she admitted she hasn't taken her medication for weeks.

I pretty much withdrew after that and didn't say anything at that moment but after a while she asked me why I was being so quiet and I basically repeated what I'd said to her in the last conversation, that I was honestly rethinking whether or not the relationship would work because I can't handle that kind of emotional exhaustion and constant sacrifice all over again. I don't mind some emotional support and some labour of love in a relationship because of course I'm going to need to look out for her mental health and reassure and comfort sometimes, that's the reality of loving someone who struggles, but I can't do it 24/7 again. I can't once again put talking her down for hours every day and weathering screaming and violent lashing out all the time at the expense of even my own basic needs and my own mental health struggles (for example my c-PTSD from my last relationship).

When I said that she got very very upset and basically said I was forcing her to choose between me and freedom or being able to live a normal/unmedicated life (which I mean, I guess I can't argue with because in a way I am making her choose between me and stopping her meds), and that I couldn't control her like that. I told her I wasn't doing it to control her and that if she's really determined to go off of them she could, but that I would have to make my own personal choice to walk away as a result of it for my own sake.

She said she'd think about it but ever since that conversation I've been going back and forth in my head on how much of a dick move it would be to flat out just do a black-and-white "Either you stay on your meds and regulate your behaviour or I leave"

TL;DR Girlfriend wants to go off of her medication, but when she's off her meds she has almost daily suicidal breakdowns and lashes out at me physically and verbally. WIBTA if I broke up with her if she goes ahead with stopping?

What are these acronyms?

[sapphic-moon-child]

Chronically Ill Truths

Fibromyalgia

Larissa x Wife!Reader

Chronically Ill Truths

Fibromyalgia - Larissa x Reader

Chronically Ill Truths

Fibromyalgia - Larissa x Reader

It was truly the worst time of year for you. The warm summer days that eased your joints in the early sun were fading and the chill of fall was setting in. You knew a flair was coming on when you went to bed the night before, but when you woke up it was so much worse. You kept a bin next to the bed for bad pain days, and today was no exception. Rolling over your joints ached and cracked as you're swollen hands quickly reached for the bin. Retching almost painfully, you felt your hair being moved from your face and a soft hand rubbing circles on your back. Once you were finished the bin was removed from your shaking hands and taken care of quickly. You could hear the water running in the tub and the smell tea followed.

“Come darling, let's try to get a head of this and ease the symptoms while the needs kick in.” Larissa said sweetly, handing you your purple cane and helping to steady you on your feet. This woman was your rock, and you loved her. When you first came to Nevermore as an English teacher you only had mild symptoms, now 5 years later you were happily married to Larissa and together you co-taught your classes allowing you to still work and enjoy your passion even with your disability. The worst of your symptoms started two years ago, it was just a lot of swelling and aches. Now it was full blown flair ups, that sometimes lasted for days and on the rare occasion a week or more.

When a bad flare would start, Larissa would help start an IV of fluids to help ease your symptoms and push Your meds if you needed them. She was insistent that she learned how to do it, so that you could have them at home instead of the hospital. After a soak in the hot epsom salt bath and a cup of ginger tea she helped you dress in something comfortable and settled you back in bed. Starting one of your IVs she asked if you wanted some pain meds to help, you nodded and were grateful for her help and dedication. “Riss, I think I'm going to need my compression wraps” you told her, admitting defeat to the hell they were. She handed them to you and prepped your meds before pushing them through your IV and flushing it. After getting one leg wrapped in the tight compression wrap, you were exhausted. Handing her the other she took it without complaint and wrapped your other leg for you. The relief was worth the trouble of these stupid things, but you didn't care right now. “Can I have some Zofran please?” You asked, still feeling nauseous. She gave you a quick kiss and retrieved the minty tasting pill for you before placing it on your tongue to dissolve. After she did she set the flow rate on your IV and climbed into bed next to you. It only took about 5 minutes before you were so tired you couldn't hold your eyes open anymore. The fatigue set in and you easily succumbed to it.

When you woke it was midday and Larissa was gently stroking your cheek. “Hello darling, I brought you something to eat. It's time for some more meds too. You noticed she replaced your IV bag with a new one and it was on a very slow drip. Smiling, you thanked her and ate as much as you could of the cheese on toast and tomato soup she made you. “I have your pain meds as well as some anti inflammation meds and some more Zofran for you if you want it. I noticed you were perking in your sleep a bit too so I grabbed your spasm medication too.” She set the different syringes of meds down on your nightstand as she sat on the edge of the bed. “What would I do without you? You could have fallen in love with someone normal, and instead here you are taking care of me.” She almost looked hurt at your words. “Darling I married you because I love you, that means all of you. Good, bad and ugly.” You leaned forwards and gave her a soft kiss before settling back on the pillows again as you watched her push your meds again and flush your IV for you.

The day went on with lots of love and patience from your wife. You were blessed that she was compassionate with you, always making sure if you needed her she was there for you. You dropped your mobility aids and she would pick them up without question. And even during the night she would feel you start to get up and would wordlessly come around to your side of the bed and help you to your feet. She never complained, you hated how much like a burden you felt. She would just scoff and give you a kiss and tell you how much she loved you and that you were never a burden to her.

One of the things you most loved was how much she came to bat for you with your doctors, none of them seemed to take you seriously thinking you were just another drug seeker. She would tear each one a new one and bring your medical binder to slam in their faces if need be. She kept a detailed record of everything for you, calming her own anxieties in doing so keeping it all put together as fine as her updo. One doctor made the mistake of telling you on one of your bad days that it was all in your head and to try meditation. That was a mistake. “You mean to tell me that the pain, tears, swelling of her joints and other various symptoms are just a figment of her imagination? Well if that’s the case I’d rather like to take my stiletto to your ass and see how you think that imagination feels!” you still giggle over the memory of that poor doctor's face when Larissa was done with him. She could be down right scary when it came to the ones she loved. She was your lover, protector, wife, and blessed caregiver, and you loved her with everything you had in you.

Your students were also very loving and compassionate to you, they were always eager to help around the classroom and stay after class to help you prep if you needed it. You and Larissa thought of them like your own and had become mother figures to most of them. Your disability and adversity to it was the reason one particular girl came to you and Larissa with her own issues showing signs of the same chronic disease that plagued you. When you found out she had worthless parents, Larissa and yourself were determined to make sure Amara got the care she needed so she could thrive. When the diagnosis came back true, she cried and cried. That was when she told you she had lived with the pain for six years, her parents accusing her of attention seeking. Larissa made sure her medicine was picked up like clockwork every month personally and she had your cell numbers if she needed you anytime day or night.

There were a few times she was unable to go to class and would spend time in Larissa’s office doing make up work or homework under a heated blanket with a cup of hot cocoa. The girl thrived after she was given the help she needed. Her grades improved and she graduated in the top of her class, that was two years ago now. She stayed at nevermore as a dark arts teacher, and when she got married to a lovely gorgon boy a few months ago, her own parents decided they wouldn’t be attending. She didn’t mind though, because she walked down the aisle with pride having both of you on her arms guiding her and giving her away. This is what love was. This was acceptance. She was so worried that she would have a flair the day of the celebration and wouldn’t be able to enjoy it, you remember it like it was yesterday. Kneeling down to her eyes where she sat, you spoke softly.

“Your disability doesn’t define you, anyone who thinks it does can go to hell. You are strong and just as able as any other girl, your mum and I will be there with you and will hold you up if we need to, just like we did when you walked the stage at your graduation. You will never be alone my love, you have us to lean on when your own feet can’t hold you up.”

*********

My Groupies: @aemilia19 @lostmyotheraccount @shyladyfan @dingdongthetail @barbarasstar @maxfanartfan @no-phrogs-in-hats @weemssapphic @cissyenthusiast010155

[iplaywithstring]

Part of chronic illness that healthy, able bodied people really can't grasp is the tenuous relationship we have with medical professionals.

My current Dr is wonderful. Lovely woman. Very open, has never had any push back over any concern I've brought up. We met when I was teaching a knitting class. I feel comfortable with her, both personally and as a doctor.

I still have a ton of anxiety every time I make an appointment.

I worry that it's something serious. I worry it's something minor and I'm wasting her time. I worry that she's going to brush me off - even though she never has.

Today, I had a sebaceous cyst drained - I was pretty sure that's what it was when I went in, but she confirmed it and offered to drain it an no big deal. I felt so awkward getting it taken care of. She also warned me it would be a little painful - didn't hurt at all. I updated her on my frozen shoulder (it's improved so much! Almost full range of motion and very little pain!). Told her my mom had been diagnosed with celiacs - she offered to run my tests again (it's been 10 years) but expected they'd be inconclusive/negative again as I've been avoiding wheat for over a decade at this point, but I needed my yearly bloodwork done anyway so why not (and she reminded me a negative test doesn't mean I don't have it, just that they can't detect it, and it's not worth it to go back on wheat to confirm at this point). I asked about a repeat ultrasound of a cyst on my ovary (it was 3.6 cm in 2018 and I've been having pain in that area again) and she agreed it was a good idea to take a look at.

There was nothing negative in the appointment at all, and I still feel like I want to cry about it.

And I understand everyone has a certain amount of medical anxiety - I remember what it was like before I was sick - but this is different. So much of my quality of life and my day-to-day functioning is dependant on this woman. What if she thinks I don't need one of my medications anymore? What if she disagrees about my level of pain and sees no need for pain management or further testing (like the ultrasound)?

My relationship with my body is messed up - in some ways I am too aware of things, and in other ways, I don't notice/acknowledge problems because it's just always been like that. If she hadn't believed me about my wrists aching I wouldn't know about my hypermobility in my hands. If she didn't take my word for it how drained and worn out I am, I wouldn't have meds that allow me to function with ME/CFS (stimulants in the past, cymbalta currently). I didn't realize how bad my pain was until it was managed better. I never know day to day what I am going to be capable of or how limited I will be.

I have had Drs in the past who did not take me seriously. I lived with debilitating pain for years because a Dr took a clear MRI as "no signs of endometriosis". I've been dismissed as fat and lazy and accused of drug seeking (when I was specifically asking about pain management that did not include opioids). I am so thankful I was able to access a new doctor - not everyone has that opportunity!

but even with these ideal circumstances, it's still hard, and exhausting, and emotional. and that's something that most people in my life will just not understand.

[angelsanarchy]

Glass Houses: Jack Thurlow x Y/N Series CH 22 -> CH 23

Tagging:@roryculkinluvr@thatsthewrongwallcraig@icarus-star @cc-luvr @madamemaximoff06@shady-the-simp @quicksilversg1rl @s-0lar @kristennero-wallacewellsver@ophelialaufey @mayathepsychic1999 @x-prettyboy-x @rorylover71 @auggiethecreator @tempt-ress @blacksoul-27

TW: Mutual Masturbation, Fingering, Jerking Off

Jack had gone home and practically paced waiting for Y/n to call. He knew she wasn't coming around until later but he was excited to spend time with her. He watched the clock and tried to work on a few pages to pass the time but once he heard the knock at the front door, he practically broke his foot trying to run down the steps.

"Hey! Sorry I'm late, I didn't want to come straight over in my scrubs." Y/n let herself in and looked freshly showered but exhausted.

"That's fine, we can play it low key tonight and actually go out when you get a day off." Jack smiled gesturing towards the living room. She plopped down on one side of the couch and Jack followed suit on the opposite end. He had already ordered food and told her to get comfortable. She noticed he had his laptop sitting on the coffee table and gestured towards it.

"How's the writing going?" She asked kicking her shoes off so she could rest her feet on the couch next to Jack's leg.

"It's going pretty well, I had to keep myself busy today so I got a few pages written." Jack confessed making Y/n smile.

"Can I read some of it?" She asked carefully. Jack hesitated for a moment before passing her the laptop. He watched her read the pages, taking a mental note of her eyes scanning the words and chewing on her lip.

"Jack...this is really good. I mean it's dark as hell and I know it's supposed to be about your life but it's really good." Y/n looked up from the laptop and Jack's eyebrows went up.

"You think so? I mean it's a first draft but-" Y/n leaned the screen down to look at Jack.

"Shut up and take the compliment." She moved to sit next to him and scrolled through his pages to point things out

"I love how the story teller is framing these events in his life as small signs of what's to come. As if his path was predetermined by the actions of his father, an avalanche of tragedy." Jack just stared at her in amazement. He moved towards her to kiss her but the sound of the doorbell stopped him. Y/n laughed realizing he was going to kiss her.

"Should have ordered the food a little sooner." She smirked. He pushed up from the couch and grabbed the food. They fell into comfortable conversation about random things from the book to the chaos his appearance at her work caused. Jack had no regrets and was glad that there were people who kept her mind on him throughout the day.

"You're such a cocky punk. You knew my boss was going to eat you up with a spoon." Y/n shoved Jack with her foot and he caught it with his hands.

"How could I possibly know your boss was an older woman? I just do really well with older women." Jack bragged rubbing her feet. He could see that it was providing relief and kept massaging her foot.

"Now you're just distracting me with a nice...foot massage. Fuck your hands are strong." She hissed.

"Am I hurting you?" He stopped and she narrowed her eyes at him.

"No it feels great, don't stop." Jack laughed continuing to rub her feet.

"This is not what I thought I would be doing for you to say that." Jack teased. Y/n let out a laugh and rested her head on the back of the couch to look at him.

"Yeah? I take it the new meds are treating you well?" Y/n asked making Jack nod.

"I haven't started them yet. I'm afraid I won't be able to get off now if I change them now." Jack explained and Y/n shook her head.

"I can always take my shirt off if you're feeling repressed. Don't sacrifice your sanity and sleep for an orgasm, Jack." She sat up on her elbows and he laughed.

"Honestly I'm not even sure it would work if I tried to fuck anyone. For now, it works for me exclusively." Jack felt comfortable talking to Y/n about these sorts of things. He didn't know if it was because he was attracted to her or if it was because they had talked openly about the medications.

"Well then lets test it out." Y/n pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it on the floor. Jack stopped rubbing her feet, allowing her to pull her legs back towards herself so she could unbutton her jeans and slid them just below her ass.

"Does this make you uncomfortable?" Y/n asked partially exposed. Jack could feel his dick stiffen and he shook his head, unbuttoning his jeans and show her the tent that was in his boxers.

"Not anymore." He said rubbing his cock on top of the fabric.

"You might want to take your shirt off...in the event you cum, I'd hate for you to stain one of your emo shirts." Y/n teased putting her fingers in her mouth. Jack can see her pussy as she pushes her panties to the side to finger herself. One hand pinched her nipples as she continued to play with her clit. He was so hard now, all he could do was stroke himself. Watching Y/n's fingers move in and out of her glistening pussy made him think about what it would feel like to have her ride him right here on the couch, her tits bouncing in his face as she fucked herself on his cock. He groaned freeing his cock, spitting on his hand and mixing that with the precum on the tip so he could have the feeling of skin to skin contact.

"Your cock looks even better when its hard. I fucking knew it would." Y/n bit her lip adding a third finger and letting her head fall back.

"Fuck..you can't...you can't say shit like that or I'm going to cum entirely too soon." Jack complained stroking himself faster.

"I wasn't aware we were being timed. I'm going to get off, when I get off." Y/n laughed watching Jack's chest rise and fall trying to catch his breath.

"Fuck I want to cum on your tits so bad." Jack said jaw dropping slightly staring at her tits bouncing with her rigorous hand movements. She used her free hand to pop the front of the bra open letting her tits spill out.

"Oh fuck." Jack moaned. He couldn't help but want to bury his face between them. Y/n continued to whine loudly and Jack wanted to be the one who pulled those sounds from her.

"Don't be shy Jack. I want to hear you." Y/n begged.

"I want to fuck you into this couch. I want to cum inside of you until it's running down your legs. I want to feel you cum around my cock." Y/n moaned Jack's name as she found her release, rubbing her clit and making her knees jump together as she pushed herself to keep touching sensitive bits. Jack could feel his orgasm building, eyes shut trying to get there. He was afraid if he got distracted he would embarrass himself and be unable to cum.

"Jack...open your eyes and look at me. I want you to look at me when you cum. I want you to know that the next time you cum, it will be down my throat." Jack watched Y/n take her wet fingers and put them in her mouth.

"Fuck!" Jack cried milking his cock until he was cumming all over the front of his shirt, almost hitting his neck. He slowed his hand down, feeling the jump of the sensitive tip as he grazed it.

It was silent for a few moments as they both looked at each other and started laughing.

"You're a fucking freak." Jack shook his head.

"And you love every second of it." Y/n stuck her tongue out at him.

"You also should have taken your shirt off." She reminded him pointing at the cum that was already starting to dry on his black shirt. She leaned forward to crawl towards him on the couch and Jack worried she might try to go for a second round.

"No worries, I'm not pushing the boundaries. I just wanted to give you something." Y/n leaned forward and kissed Jack carefully not to startle him of make him anxious. She let her tongue run along his own before pulling away.

"I wanted to say thanks and congratulations on the orgasm. It was great." She smiled in his face and he returned it.

"I also wanted to give you a little taste of what you're in for if you're down for a second date." Jack could taste her on his tongue and nodded.

"Is the first date already over?" He asked curiously and she laughed putting her head down for a moment.

"I don't want to make you feel cheap but if I don't go home now, I'll be too tired to walk home." She explained. Jack knew how tired she was and this probably only made it worse.

"It's okay. I completely understand." Jack put himself back in his jeans and watched Y/n pull her shirt over her head, not bothering to put her bra back on. He walked her to the door and she turned to look at him.

"This was a lot of fun Jack. I'm glad I said yes to a first date." Y/n smiled sweetly at him and he blushed.

"I'm pretty glad you said yes too. Let me know when you get home." Jack said rolling his eyes knowing that she was going to make a smartass remark about being across the street. She kissed his cheek and gave his hand a squeeze before walking out the door. Jack watched her walk down the drive and towards her house before shutting the door and running his hands down his face trying to take in what had just happened. He couldn't help but smile thinking about the night as a whole. He hadn't remembered having that much fun in one night with someone ever. He ran his hands down his shirt and felt his cum streak down his shirt more.

"Dammit." He cussed at himself knowing this shirt wasn't ruined but knowing he would get hard every time he wore it.

[cherryblossomforest]

19th & 20th September 2024

19th:

Today I had to take Giggles to the vet for more vaccinations and more flea and worm treatment as I didn't have any more. I'm ensuring her health checks are all up to date because I think I've fallen off the ball with that.

She was a bit nervous at the vet but wasn't meowing or scared. She wanted to hide and her crate was on the floor so I made a cup with my hands and she hid her face in it which was enough for her to feel safe. It was absolutely adorable. I gave her many head rubs and scratches behind her ears which she loved and she purred which was reassuring.

The car ride always makes her a bit nervous but she's soooo much better than she was before. I play some LoFi instrumentals when she's super anxious but on the way back she barely cried at all and took a nap. It makes me happy that she's starting to feel safe in the car because then I can take her on more adventures and she won't be so nervous :)

One thing I do need to get on top of is her dental hygiene. It's tough because she hates it but it needs tending to so I need to invest in some things! I don't want her to end up having any problems in the future.

When I got back home I rested some more and got to preparing for my job interview. I wasn't anxious but I was nervous. I got some examples I wanted to use also and by the time my interview took place I was feeling more confident. I answered all the questions quite quickly but also in enough detail and I taught one of the interviewers something about mental health which felt super nice. She said what I explained was quite nice to learn so I hope I made a good impression and I did feel like it was a good interview too. I was kinda buzzing after.

I was reminded that for someone who's in crisis, I'm doing quite a pretty good job right now! It felt nice to have Elodie around for the interview and it felt nice to remember things from work which I hadn't thought about in years. I really hope I get this job because it would be perfect for me to work from home and earn enough to support myself, travel and pay off my debts. Then I can eventually start paying for private therapy too and get a knowledgeable therapist. I need that and I really do think I deserve this too! Another thing is that I can hire a cleaning service to help me deep clean my home because I can't do it with my pain and mobility problems so that'll also make me feel so much better and I know I can pay my friend to help me too.

I decided to watch Forrest Gump which sent my brain into a bit of an overdrive I think. I ended up being so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open. Just so exhausted! It definitely was triggering watching it again as an adult but very very relatable too in so many ways. Forrest definitely is autistic and Bubba too.

I ended up sleeping at completely the wrong time so I'm up at a weird time. I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow and I see my doctor and I just really need her to help me. I need my meds increased and I need a care coordinator or social worker. I need better support or I'm going to end up back in the hospital and I just really don't want to end up back there but I get no support and I really need it.

20th:

I thought I was having an episode... I thought the ceiling was going to collapse because of a noise I was hearing which I couldn't identify. Messed-up sleeping patterns mess up my mental health dramatically. The noise was coming from my upstairs neighbours but the anxiety that it was the ceiling about to cave in was farfetched...

I need to sleep

My sleep was really bad and idk why it has to be like this. I had a nightmare that I just couldn't get away from someone and they even found me on this blog and they showed me not nice pictures that they took of me that I couldn't remember (I basically had amnesia for the events and another part was present...but more in a way that they wanted to hide it from me too and was happy - since when did I have DID in my dreams??) That was overwhelming and it felt so real that I woke up feeling like it was real. That's always my biggest fear.

I'm so tired and stiff that I've ended up late for my freaking doctors appointment and I want to cry because I had one job but I'm so exhausted. I feel sedated. If this doesn't work out I want to give up now... I'm ngl.

It was so lovely to see my Doctor she's so lovely! As soon as I sat down she was like "Is it getting bad again [name]?" and from that moment I was holding back tears and that surprised me. She asked me if I was getting support from family and I explained that we had a bereavement in January and she remembered it was Dead Brother then she asked me if I was getting support which I wasn't. She asked me what's been happening and I explained that every September I get so much worse and I feel so bad. She asked if it's an anniversary for anything and asked me to specify and I actually managed to say it's a trauma anniversary from being raped which was so confronting but such improvement on my part. She then asked me who and I explained Dead Brother.

I think this is significant because I tend to think I talk about what's going on with me a lot and I reallllyy don't. This blog is the only place I actually talk about my feelings and not even my doctor knows much about me. That's bad. This was something my old ED T also said to me and I thought I opened up to her a lot. I really don't talk to people and I'm always holding everything in. Even my friends say this too so it must be true.

Anyway, my doctor has increased my Mirtazapine to the highest at 45mg and wants to see me in 2 weeks. She's also referred me to the crisis team (🙄) and a mental health practitioner to talk to as well. I see them on Monday. She said she's going to refer me to see a social subscriber which will help me get out of the house and maybe do things and for the first time I'm going to give it a go. She even said if I really don't like it I don't have to go so that's reassuring.

Right now it's been 30 minutes that I've been in this car park at the gp so I'm going to find somewhere to go...

Sometimes I wonder why it feels like the world just wants me to die, I try so hard all the time to get help and keep myself safe and it's just like no one cares enough to help. As much as I'm grateful for this help from my doctor and I truly am... if me reaching out for desperate help for another year doesn't work I'm so done trying. I'm so tired.

Oh my God I am so tired of being so alone.

All I want to do is listen to music but I know the music that I want to listen to will make me feel worse.

I'm not sure if it was my first time admitting what Dead Brother did, but it was definitely the first time telling a professional or anyone in person and my brain is going crazy.

Yep. First time saying the words out loud. Wow. That wasn't a good idea in the middle of September... body memories and flashbacks have started but I've taken 2mg Lorazepam to help calm everything down normally 1mg is does a good job but rn I'm struggling. I'm also being distracted by my loved ones which feels nice and I'll most likely cry some more.

Why is this September different? I'm remembering more memories even before the doctors appointment. It's so bad... so so bad...

[joe9cool]

Collide-Epilogue 2 Part 2- Take My Hand

A/N: As usual, don't steal my work, I only own my characters. I do not know or affiliated with the Chargers. This is fanfiction only. Enjoy

The whole plane ride home was a different atmosphere. The guys were fired up, but exhausted, most of them were using the ride to sleep. They already knew that once they landed there was going to be no time to rest, as they were heading straight to the stadium to celebrate with their fans before the official parade the following day.

They also had some television appearances (which Justin was super excited about.) Sara was tired, as much as she wanted to attend the rallies and the parties. She had a court wedding to plan.

Justin was napping next to her. He had told her, in a whisper, he wanted to be as well rested as possible for their wedding day.

It was surreal to her, she was getting married today. As much as she made a big deal of waiting til the party to make it official, she loved this idea. Eloping, saying their vows in private and it just being both of them.

Well not just them, they did need a witness. Sara thought about her sisters. Brittany and Katie were in town, they could easily serve as the witness. However, she was the closest with Alyssa and Brent, and it would kill them if they weren't there.

Speaking of, she had to respond to their texts of congratulations. Also she had to pick out something to wear, cause she wanted pictures, but who was going to take them? Maybe the witness, well that person needed to be a good photographer…"

"What's going through your head right now?" Sara snapped out of her daze and looked to see Justin staring at her. "I've been up for five minutes and you're just staring straight ahead. Like you're in a trance."

She shook her head. "Sorry, just planning our courthouse wedding."

"I thought the point of the courthouse wedding was so it wouldn't be stressful?" He smiled and she laughed. "I know, but you think I'm really going to allow us to go there in just Nike clothes?"

"I’m in." He dodged a swat. He laughed. "No, I understand. I have a nice tan suit, the one I wore to Fehoko's wedding. You liked that one, couldn't keep your hands off of me." He smiled, most likely remembering when they got back to the hotel after the reception.

"Oh that's a good one." She thought about it. "I have no idea, I guess I could wear one of my outfits that was picked for the wedding weekend." She thought. "Well if I get spotted wearing white that will make it obvious."

He laughed. "Don't overthink it babe. You and me tonight. Meet me at the foyer, your assistant can serve as a witness."

She nodded.

The rest of the plane ride was full of chatter as everyone began to wake up from their quick power naps. Once the plane landed the players were let out first to the screams of the crowd. Hoisting the Lombardi trophy over his head, Staley gave a quick speech thanking the fans for their support. The players were signing autographs while the Lady Bolts made it to the cars to head home.

She was heading to her assistant's apartment to pick up the cats (and to drop the bomb) she zoomed in and out of traffic, not caring if people were recording or if she ended up on tmz later.

Reaching her floor after getting past security she knocked rapidly. She wished she called first in case she wasn't home.

"Hi Sara! Eugene and Nova are ready to go!" She stepped into the apartment and grabbed the carriers containing the meowing cats. "How were they!"

"Angel's!" Sara gave her assistant a look. "Well Eugene had some difficulty taking his pain med so I had to stuff it in a sardine." They both laughed. "Congratulations to Justin by the way. Wow with the superbowl and the wedding, you must have a lot on your plate! Maybe you can have the Lombardi trophy there!"

Sara didn't think of that. Too busy wrapped up in trying to plan this last minute courthouse wedding. "It's so nice that your friends and family are all celebrating you. That's what it is about. Love." Hannah smiled.

Sara nodded. "Yes, Justin and I are very blessed."

Grabbing a carrier containing a cat, they headed down towards Sara's car. Once loaded up, Hannah asked her. "Hey, was there anything important you wanted to tell me? You kinda got here fast, and with no warning. Did I forget something?" The assistant was nervous, like she was going to get fired for forgetting something.

This was it, Sara could tell her to help her pick out an outfit and serve as a witness. "No, I'm just in a hurry. I've been on autopilot since January. You know how it is."

Hannah smiled. "Oh yeah, well it will calm down, and you can enjoy your Bachelorette party! Bella and your sisters made all of the arrangements! A few days away will be just what the doctor ordered!"

"Oh definitely. Thank you for everything." In a spur of the moment, Sara threw her arms around her, which she knew her friend was surprised about. Sara always kept her at a distance, afraid of letting her in due to her previous predecessor. Hannah reciprocated the hug. "It's no problem. You know we started off as friends." Sara nodded, feeling emotional. "Yes I know, and I know I've been all business since hiring you. But thank you so much for everything. I cannot thank you enough."

Hannah smiled brightly. "Seeing you happy and getting everything you deserve is thanks enough."

—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Once home, and the cats were eating their lunch, Sara unpacked her suitcases. She tried to be as normal as possible despite all of the chaos. On autopilot, she looked at what to make for dinner, totally forgetting about the events tonight.

Her phone buzzed on the counter, grabbing it, she smiled reading the message.

Justin I can't wait to marry you.

It was still around 1pm, so once he was done with all of his fan obligations, he would be home and getting ready.

Deciding to dedicate the rest of the time to a mini spa day, she popped open a bottle of wine, and grabbed a bottle of champagne for when they got home from the magistrate. Running towards their master bathroom, she slathered her face in a mask, and her hair in coconut oil. It was up to her to do hair and makeup for her ceremony so she was watching ideas on her phone while doing a pedi and shaving over the tub.

Sara exfoliated in the shower, getting all the craziness of yesterday off of her. It took a bit longer than usual, but it was worth it in all aspects. She knew she was going to be busy tonight.

Once finished, she lotioned up and began her skincare. She was grateful she had gotten a facial before the superbowl. As she finished up and was in their huge joint closet trying to figure out what to wear. She could wear white, but she didn't want to tip anyone off. While friends might not assume anything, their families would. Speaking of, they were supposed to attend a party tonight with both families. Maybe they could make a late appearance

As she was looking through her rack of dresses, there was one that caught her eye, and she pulled the hanger out.

It was the satin emerald green cocktail dress she wore to Joe and Alisha's July 2022 wedding.

The same dress she wore when she met Justin's for the first time.

He had complimented her on it during their conversation, and she proceeded to launch into a five minute spiel about how it was her favorite color and she hated green as a kid. She was worried she scared him off, but he laughed and said usually everyone's favorite color is blue, so it's different.

She smiled, it had so many memories, and suddenly, the dress was perfect, even more so than the one she would actually be wearing on the day.

She laid it out on the bed, and began to style her hair. She kept it down in loose curls. Her makeup was simple, but played it up to make her eyes pop.

It was around 6pm by the time she was done and had all of her and Justin's documents needed to give to the courthouse. Hearing the door opening in the foyer, she walked out to see Justin in a simple black suit, and Mitch and Isabelle dressed up as well.

"I told them our plans." He said, seeing the confused and concerned look on her face. "We needed witnesses, and I honestly knew you wouldn't tell Hannah because of security reasons."

Mitch cut in. "It will be our little secret, mom, dad, Patrick and Carly went out to Mike's house for a party, I said we might join them later. "

Sara smiled. "You're right, I didn't tell Hannah, but I'm glad to have you guys here."

Truth be told, she didn't tell Hannah because she was afraid of leaks. She actually had second doubts about eloping. But when she saw the green dress, something in her knew that this was the right decision, and having Mitch and Isabelle here felt right. She wanted to be married to Justin as soon as possible.

"I called the office and they are staying open. Do you have our documents?" She nodded and held up two long envelopes. "We got our licenses?" He nodded. 

Isabelle stepped forward. "I stopped at Whole Foods and picked out a vanilla bean cake for you guys. There's also champagne so we can all celebrate after."

Sara smiled. Justin grabbed her hand. "Let's get married."

—--------------------------------------------------------------

"Thank you Judge Hemmons, we really appreciate you making time for this." Justin smiled as he shook their hand

The older man laughed. "Well it's not everyday a superbowl champion and his famous fiance ask me to stay late and marry them in secret. You do realize though that once this is registered tomorrow this will be available to the public?" They both nodded. Truth be told they didn't expect anyone to go searching for the records. The rest of her family was coming out the day after the parade to celebrate. Brent was injured, so he and Alyssa were going to leave the kids with his parents. 

They would break the news over dinner at the house.

"Paperwork is filed out, do you have the rings?" Justin spoke up. "We actually didn't bring them, since we wouldn't be able to wear them."

the older man nodded in understanding. "What about vows?" 

Justin and Sara agreed in the car that they would say their personal written vows to each other and do something else for the wedding in front of everyone. It saved the awkwardness of everyone seeing them be vulnerable. 

"Okay. Now let's begin." They stood in front of the judge and held hands while Mitch and Isabelle stood off to the side.

"We gather here today to join Justin Patrick Herbert and Sara Christine Wozniak in this union of marriage. Before we go further you both understand you are entering this legal binding union?"

"We do." They both spoke, staring into each other's eyes. 

"You may now speak your vows." Sara gestured at Justin to go first. He cleared his throat. 

"Sara, I never thought we'd be here. Although I always wanted to be here from the moment I came by your house for a movie night, and we watched Shrek 2." Everyone laughed. "And despite that, I knew I'd done everything to destroy what we had."

Justin paused, and the tears came to his eyes. Sara found herself getting emotional. Choked up, he continued. "But here you stand before me, loving me, and supporting me even when I didn't deserve it.  I can't promise our lives will be smooth sailing, but I promise that I will always be there through the good times and bad. I will be there with you watching our days pass by in the rearview mirror. You're the love of my life, and no matter what happens, I will give you and our marriage my all."

Just those short words were so sweet and made her emotional. Taking a deep breath, and thanking God for waterproof eye makeup, she began. "Justin, I read a quote that said. "Someday, someone will come into your life, and make you understand why it never worked out with anyone else."

She took another deep breath. "At that time, I thought that moment would never happen to me. I watched as everyone had their fairytale, and I came to a conclusion that I was happy on my own. Until you came into my life. Then all my tears, all of the pain, didn't matter. In these coming years, many things will change, but the way I feel for you in this moment will stay . I vow to be the best wife, and mother to our children. I love you Justin Patrick, and I can't imagine my life without you."

She heard sniffling  behind her.  The judge cleared his throat. "Do you Justin Patrick take Sara Christine to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Justin nodded, before realizing he needed to speak. "I do."

"Sara Christine, do you take Justin Patrick to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"Then I hereby pronounce you in the state of California and the City of Irvine husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Justin picked Sara up, and their lips connected, tasting the saltiness of their tears. The flash of the camera pulled them away, as Isabelle was taking tons of photos on their phone.

After signing the wedding certificate and the documents to change Sara's last name. They took tons of photos, then decided to dine at one of the fanciest restaurants before having cake and champagne at home.

They were sifted at the back of the restaurant. The owner came over and gave the group whatever they wanted. At one point during dinner Isabelle spoke up. "So are you planning to tell everyone soon?"

Justin took a sip of his wine. "Yes, the rest of Sara's family is going to come after the parade tomorrow. So we are going to have a big barbecue the next day and tell everyone."

"How do you think your family is going to take it?" Mitch looked worried for his new sister in law. Sara sighed. "They aren't going to be happy. But then again, it's like they always expected it from me. So who knows? But it's not like we are going to cancel the actual wedding. It's just not going to be legally binding since that's already happened. Probably more spiritual? Maybe we can incorporate a little more catholic traditions? So that might ease any anger." 

Again, Sara didn't know how her family was going to take it. They always told her she was probably going to elope if she ever found someone. As soon as they told her parents and sisters they were engaged they were expecting a huge wedding in Pennsylvania. At one point Cathy suggested they have the ceremony and reception at home. Since they had space and could decorate the huge land. Cathy got emotional just thinking of it.

She knew they were upset that the wedding was being held in Oregon. To be honest she thought she should host it In a neutral place. But that would make no sense with Justin's side.

Food and drinks were flowing, and the group had to wait as they were a little tipsy. Mitch paid the bill, which Justin tried to fight on. But his older brother was having none of it. "You think the best man who is a doctor is going to let the groom buy dinner on his wedding day?"

On the drive back, Justin, feeling the drinks, was all over Sara. "Hey guys." He called from the back seat. "After the cake you should probably take a drive by the beach for a while because I don't think you want to hear screaming."

"Justin!" Sara was red. Isabelle was laughing, Mitch groaned. "I think I liked it better when you were all awkward."

"Excuse my husband." Sara said and stopped. She looked at Justin who gave her the same smile. "You're my husband." Sara gushed, then continued. "Holy shit we are married!"

He laughed. “You’re my wife. Mrs Sara Herbert.” She giggled, drunk on cocktails and love. “I moved up in the alphabet."

He nuzzled her neck. "I love you my wife." He muttered. She smiled. "I love you my husband."

"Yeah I think we are just going to get a few things from your house and leave you alone." Isabelle laughed.

However, as they pulled up they saw the lights on. "I thought everyone was supposed to be at the party." Mitch was confused.

Justin sighed. "It seems like everyone had a change of plans. Come on, we will celebrate later." They all got out of the car once Mitch parked

Sara was annoyed. "But it's going to be total chaos this week." She yelped when he slapped her ass. "Stop being a brat." He growled. He wrapped his long arm around her.

Upon entering, they saw Patrick,Carly, his parents, Scott, Brittney, Katie and Charles. "There you are! We were waiting for you guys at Mike's house. What happened? And why did you guys get dressed up?" Holly was confused, looking between the whole group that just entered.

"I wanted to take Sara out, you know, just private time since this week is going to be chaos." Justin lied.

"Didn't you go out with Mitch and Isabelle?"

Mitch cut in. "Yeah we ran into each other and just decided to join them."

Patrick huffed. "Thanks for the invite jerks."

"Well sorry, but we thought you were going to be at the party late." Justin was trying to hide the agitation in his voice.

"Well, it got a little out of control and the cops came by. It's all over TMZ sports." Mark laughed.

Katie interrupted. "We kept calling and texting you. Mike sent us home with a ton of leftovers. Which There is no room because there's a cake in the fridge? Where did you get that?"

Isabelle cut in. "Well I saw it at Whole Foods and remembered it was Sara's favorite."

"Why were you at Whole foods?" Brittney looked at them suspicious. One thing about Sara's family was that they were going to ask questions.

Sara jumped in. "I mentioned I needed a few things for the barbecue. Didn't have it. Well we have cake now, and champagne. And since almost everyone is here we can have a proper toast." She pulled out the champagne glasses while Isabelle grabbed the cake and the bottle out of the fridge.

"We should probably change. I'm not too comfortable in this suit. I'm sure you want to get the dress off." It was a hint that Justin wanted Sara to join him in the bedroom." Sara nodded. "We will be right back." She told the crowd before following her husband into their bedroom.

Once in and the door was shut behind them. Justin groaned, and Sara laughed. "Relax, we will have some time to celebrate by ourselves."

"Maybe we need to take the drive by the beach." Justin unbuttoned his shirt. She laughed. "And risk getting caught and making the news?"

"Good point." Justin came behind her and unzipped her dress. "Thanks baby."

It was funny, watching them undress in the mirror. She didn't even realize she stared off into space until he said something. "What's on your mind?"

She shook her head. "Come on, tell me."

She laughed."I was just taking in everything around me. Watching you do your night routine. We are already such a married couple." She smiled up at Justin and he laughed. "I know. I can see us right now getting ready for our ten year anniversary. Our kids clamoring to get our attention.''

The thought warmed her up, until there was a knock at the door. "Are you guys coming? The cake looks really good."

Both sighing, they finished their routines before coming out. "Sorry, my zipper got stuck."

"Uh huh. Sure" Patrick joked. "Already getting a head start on the honeymoon?"

Justin froze, but Sara played it cool. "We are saving ourselves for marriage. I don't know what you're talking about." She shot back.

"Yeah I remember the first time you came to Oregon."

"Please, I would not like to know anything like that about my sister." Katie put an end to it.

The champagne was poured, the toasts were made, and the cake was cut. Despite It being an unbeknownst spoiler, it turned out to be a good night. Sara could see Justin relax and happier around the family.

Everyone agreed to turn in a little earlier than planned. It was a big day tomorrow with the parade. As Sara laid snuggled into him as Justin rubbed her back. "We're married." He whispered. She giggled. "Yep. I got the paperwork to go online and change my last name next week." She kissed him and he moaned into it. "You know we could sorta celebrate." She kissed his neck and began to move down.

"Babe, you parents are sleeping on the pullout couch right outside, and while I'm proud of it, you're not exactly quiet." She huffed. "I hate that you're right." He laughed.

"Don't expect that to happen often." It was silent, and she thought that he was drifting off to sleep until he spoke. "Don't think I didn't notice the dress you wore." He whispered. Turning to her. "I love that you wore that one."

"I knew you would." She kissed him again. After another moment of silence she whispered again. "We are married!"

She heard him laugh. "We are." There was a pause. "So how should we make that announcement?"

She shrugged. "Maybe during dinner. We tell them the wedding is still happening. But we are legally married. But we stress that we are having a catholic ceremony to please my mom."

He laughed. "So you're going to tell everyone that you're going to obey me?"

She smacked his stomach. "Fuck no."

They burst out laughing. "Happy wedding day my love." They intertwined fingers.

"Officially marking it. February 10th is the best day of my life." Justin smiled. "Mine too."

—-------------------------------------------------------------

Sara's family came the evening after the parade. It was total chaos. Some family were staying with Justin and Sara, others were staying in her old house. The kids were upset they weren't staying with their aunt and uncle.

At one point Justin remarked. "We should maybe consider getting a bigger house."

It was chaos, and they loved it. It made them think of the future, a house full of chaos with their own children someday.

It was now the day they were going to announce their marriage, and Justin and Sara were picking up last minute things at Costco's. It was nice to get back to normal after months of well, not normal. Between Press for both, and the overall football season it was a lot. As they made their way down the aisles. Justin remarked. "I think we should do a little getaway. Like a weekend trip to a Vineyard."

Sara smiled as she put some fresh vegetables in the cart. "That'd be nice." They passed by the huge display of roses and balloons. The arch saying. 'Happy Valentine's Day' Sara glanced at it. "Isn't Valentine's Day tomorrow?"

He looked up from the bouquet of flowers. "Huh. I guess it is." They both looked at each other and began laughing. "Wow. Our first married Valentine's day together and we totally forgot. Aren't we so good at this marriage thing?" Sara spoke softly so no one around her heard.

"Jeez, I'm probably the worst husband right now." They laughed again. "Well since we're here can I pick out my bouquets?"

Justin nodded. "I should probably get some for our moms to smooth things over."

"Good idea." They spent a few minutes trying to decide which mom would like what before they headed out.

Loading the huge batch of groceries in Sara's SUV they headed back to the house. Stuck in traffic Sara turned on the radio to get news and weather reports. However, after flipping through multiple stations, she ended up on the top 40 countdown. Justin was tapping on the steering wheel.

"Here we have Angie with the entertainment news." Ryan Seacrest's voice announced. "Apparently we have wedding bells!"

"Yes Ryan. Breaking News this morning as TMZ reports Sara Wozniak and Los Angeles Chargers Quarterback Justin Herbert tied the knot at the Irvine courthouse the day after The Chargers became Super Bowl Champs. The media outlet obtained a copy of the marriage license, which was filed Tuesday in Orange County. The couple reps couldn't be reached for comment. It is unclear if they are still going to hold a bigger ceremony which the bride gave details on planning last year."

Silence.

The air left the car.

The couple didn't even realize the cars ahead of them moved until the blaring of a horn brought them back to reality. "Oh my god." Justin finally whispered as he began to drive forward.

Sara just stared off into space. This was bad. Very bad. This wasn't how she wanted her family to find out. "Maybe they don't know. I mean it's the radio, no one listens to it." She tried to calm down until she pulled out her phone

40 missed calls 58 texts

Heidi. Alex. Alyssa. Brittany. Mom. Dad. Bella. AnnSophie

Justin exited off the main road and pulled into a parking lot. Pulling out his phone he sighed as he saw the insane amount of missed calls from his team and family. "Fuck." He whispered.

"What do we do?" Sara honestly didn't know. She felt the tears come to her eyes as she thought about how her family felt.

"Call Heidi first. She will know everything." Justin spoke like a true Hollywood veteran.

Heidi picked up on the first ring. "It's everywhere. Even local news outlets picked up on it. They called your parents for comments. Your mom went off on a rant on how she didn't know and how sad it was she had to find out from them. The media is all over that."

"Oh My god." Sara pinched her nose. It was even worse than she thought. "What else?"

"You guys weren't very slick. There's blurry photos of you and Justin, and well as two other people entering the courthouse in the back."

Justin spoke up. "How did they even get those photos?"

"Someone probably saw you and hid in the bushes across the street."

"Look I could put out a statement or keep silent. Justin's team reached out and we just all agreed to keep silent for now."

"That's fine. Don't say anything." After talking about their next course of action. Heidi said her and Alex where already on their way to the house to discuss future details, they hung up." Taking a deep breath Sara began crying. Justin gathered her in his arms as best as he could. "Hey, Hey it will be okay."

"No its not! This is not how I wanted them to find out! And now they think the worst. My family never spoke to the press unless it was a planned interview or under my control." She sobbed.

"That wasn't cool of her." Justin was already cursing out his mother in law. "She is probably just upset. She will get over it"

"You don't understand. We finally have a good relationship…." She trailed off and Justin knew what she meant. She thought she was going to jeopardize it.

He shook his head. "Sara. We are grown adults. We are still going to have the ceremony and celebration, but this was just for us. You don't… regret us getting married do you?" His voice was shaky

Immediately she shook her head. "I don't regret it at all. I'm just mad that once again my news got leaked before I could tell them. I don't understand why it's such a big deal? My marriage doesn't affect my fans' lives."

He smiled. "I mean your fans are crazy." It was true. He gained so many followers. Leaving comments asking him if he could fight and threatening harm if he hurt Sara. There were a couple of fan pages that disapproved of him, trying to dig up into his past that he wasn't worthy of their idol.

"Wanna just run away for a bit? We can get started on an early honeymoon and make up for our wedding night?" He wiggled his eyebrows and she giggled. Kissing him quickly. "As much as I would love to, we have groceries, and we do owe them to hear it from us."

It was the fact that her husband had the ability to calm her down and make her see rationally. He grabbed her hand and brought it up to her lips. "At least I can start wearing my athletic wedding band." She smiled. She got him a rubber gray band for him to wear during workouts or on the field if he wanted. "True."

They drove back home, Justin purposely taking the long way and driving slower than usual. Sara smiled, as much as he gave the pep talk she knew he was a little terrified of seeing her parents upset. He had never seen them really mad. He had been exposed to many of the arguments Sara had with her sisters and was immune to it, since they always made up a day later.

Finally, they pulled up to the house, and cars were everywhere. Sara even recognized Latrell's car and Justin knew his management's car. Justin and Sara approached the door with the boxes of items in their hands.

The door opened, and they were greeted with Charlie, the now preteen being almost his aunt's height. He closed the door behind them. "I just want to let you know it's bad. All these people are here, and grandma and grandpa got into it with Mr. And Mrs. Herbert."

Sara and Justin took a deep breath. Charlie, being the wise one that he is, filled them in. "Okay so Grandma is accusing the Herbert's of knowing and plotting behind our backs. Your business people are upset because I guess you guys have no prenup, and then the little kids are crying because they think you're nor having the party. Uncle Brent just wants to leave and got yelled at when he said everyone was being dramatic."

Justin rubbed his head. "I'm sorry you had to be exposed to that kid. But thank you. Now what kinda car do you want when you get your license?"

"Justin!" Sara looked at Charlie. "Thank you, just don't ask for a Lamborghini or something ridiculous."

"Charlie? Charlie? Charles Burke!" The door opened and Katie appeared. After shooing her son inside she glared at the couple. "I see you planned on hiding and avoiding us?"

Sara went to speak up but her mom appeared from behind Katie. "Sara Christine Wozniak, get your ass in here."

Justin's jaw dropped, not believing Sara was spoken to that way. Granted they were still her parents, but she was almost thirty years old. His parents never spoke to him that way.

She grabbed his hand and he squeezed it for reassurance, he wasn't sure if it was for him or her and followed her into the living room. Where everyone was waiting for them. It was both of their immediate families, his and her management. There were about fifteen or more people and they were all upset.

Justin and Sara sat next to each other on the couch. After a few moments of silence Sara began to talk. "You know how this isn't how we wanted-"

"Do you know how it feels to find out your daughter got married from a total stranger calling you?" Mike began and everyone could tell he was trying to hold back his anger.

"Dad-" her mom cut in "no you don't! That's why you did what you did. You've always been selfish."

Justin couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Cathy-"

"That's Mrs. Wozniak to you!" He sighed. "It was my idea."

"Oh I bet it was." She looked at Mark and Holly. "You two were there!"

Mark, having enough sighed. "That's ridiculous if you paid attention. We were at the same party that night!"

"But you knew! You knew your son and his girlfriend would be there!"

Mitch sighed. "It was last minute!"

Patrick cut in. "Yeah thanks for thinking of us guys."

"It was just for us! We needed a witness!" Justin threw his hands up

Cathy cut in again. "Yeah and you did not once think that Sara should have her family there. You made it all about yours! With this wedding you won't have it where she grew up! Her family and friends won't be able to show up!" She once again looked at her daughter who had her head down. "Now you're robbing us of a wedding in general!"

"I hope you realize you let down many people. Your own nieces are upset because they won't get to be flower girls!" Brittany cut in.

Sara looked up. Tears gathered in her eyes. "That's not true! We are still having a wedding!"

Cathy threw her hands up! "What's even the point! Your family might as well not show up since you made it clear you don't want us!"

Mike spoke. "Your mother has a point. I thought we were on the mend, and now you go back to shutting us out. I don't understand."

"I'm not shutting you out!" Sara ran her hands through her hair. Justin was speechless. He had never seen this side of the Wozniak family. He knew they had a not perfect relationship. He remembered the early days of their relationship when she didn't speak of her family and the little she spoke he was disturbed. Justin thought Mike's heart attack changed everyone.

But now seeing them tearing into her made him consider something. He wasn't sure he even wanted them there, or around any future kids if they were going to cause his wife this much pain.

"Also can we talk about how stupid this decision was!" Katie jumped in. "I mean you didn't even sign anything. No prenup! Asserts are unprotected! Me and Latrell have been trying to get you two to sit down with Justin's accountant to discuss if there was a divorce. Oh my god Sara California is a 50-50 state!"

"We could do a postnuptial agreement." Latrell cut in. Uncomfortable on intruding in a family conversation.

"Well first we have to do damage control, Sara, I need to book you on a tv show. I was thinking Late night, you got to clear it up and say it was a misunderstanding. Heidi pulled out her phone. “I have to call Alex and get you booked.”

“Like hell you are! I don’t regret what I said. Don’t you think the world should know how hurt this family is over your actions!”--

Mike shook his head. "I'm not upset, just disappointed in you two. Was this your plan of revenge? To exclude us?"

Holly cut in. "We aren't too happy about this either. We are getting harassed by extended family. Everything is up in the air!"

Brittany rolled her eyes. "Oh please save it.

"Hey Carly and I are still upset. We were left out as well!"

Everyone began talking over each other and arguing. Cathy was still directing her anger at Sara. It was chaos until a loud voice took over. "Hey, Hey, Hey!" Everyone quieted and looked at Brent, who looked perplexed.

"What the fuck is wrong with everyone!"

"Brent please!" Alyssa tried to calm her husband.

He shook his head and got up slowly. Still recovering from his injury. "No, I'm sick of this! This is supposed to be the happiest moment of their lives and you are all making it about yourselves! They didn't even explain themselves! And not that they have to, they don't owe us anything. He approached Justin, who stood up from the couch. Shaking his hand Brent spoke. "Congratulations you guys, I'm happy for you. Can't wait to celebrate in May."

Sara got up and hugged her brother in law. "Thank you." She cried. He gripped her tight and whispered to them both."I expect a nice bottle of scotch." He whispered and she chuckled. After hugging Justin he turned towards the family. "I think you all owe them a massive apology. Now let's get this food in on the grill and try to celebrate the newlyweds.

There were murmurs of agreement and everyone disbursed. Latrell and Ashley approached first to apologize and congratulate the couple. Although Sara felt they didn't really owe one. It was the job to make sure the client was making the best decisions for themselves.

After Latrell left, Heidi made sure that Alex would book her on a talk show sometime in the future for some damage control.

Ashley stuck around for the barbecue. Almost everyone began helping and getting back to normal. Most of Sara's family, besides Alyssa and Brent and the kids, avoided Justin and Sara. Feeling awkward about their outburst.

As Sara was in the kitchen helping Carly and Holly prepare things. Cathy came in through the sliding glass door.She was very awkward and avoided eye contact with the other girls. "Sara, can we talk?"

"Whatever you have to say you can say it here." She bit back. Once the shock of the family's reaction wore out, anger began setting in. Coupled with a margarita she didn't really hold back.

Holly looked between the mother and daughter. "Um, we will help move everything outside." Passing by, she gave her daughter in law a quick squeeze on her elbow before heading outside.

Once Sara heard the door closed she faced her mother. "Okay now say it."

Cathy sighed. "Look, you have to understand where we were coming from-"

"Really? That's how you start? No 'hey I'm sorry Sara? I'm sorry Justin? Or Holly and Mark?"

She was done, all her life she was labeled as something she wasn't when she did things for herself. Then forced to be the bigger person.

Cathy took a deep breath. "I shouldn't have yelled infront of everyone, I should have just pulled you aside privately and for that I'm sorry. But once again you went and excluded us again. I thought we were on good terms!"

Sara shook her head in disbelief. "So, again instead of clarifying and asking us, you fly off the roof and blab your mouth to a tabloid. Then make Justin and I's happiness all about yourselves. Did you really think after all of the stress and planning and everything custom made we would just say fuck everything and cancel it?"

"I don't know what to think! You have shut us out at everything! You're whole life!"

Sara bit back. "Yeah and why do you think that is?"

Cathy rolled her eyes. "Your father and I can't change the past. We provided everything and then some for you and your sisters. We have apologized over and over again and have been trying to be better. But you insist on punishing us."

Sara slammed her hand on the counter. "This what you don't realize, none of this was for punishment. It was something that we wanted to do. Just have a moment where it was just us. The whole point of this barbecue was to announce it to everyone!"

Sara shook her head as she finished mixing the salad. "All you could think about is you. I get being a little upset but you just had to put it out to the press, and you wonder why I was distant. I can't even trust my own family."

She picked up the bowl and brought it outside, leaving her mother to ponder on her words.

—-----------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the night it was awkward. While the couple's siblings and in- laws tried to carry on like there was no major conflict earlier, Mike and Cathy stayed quiet, only pitching in when someone asked them a question or to clarify something.

Sara was not only upset at her parents but for her siblings for not having her back. In some ways it felt like a betrayal. They all ganged up on her, except Alyssa.

As they got into bed that night. Justin pulled her close to him. "My mom asked if you wanted to join her on a hike tomorrow morning." He muttered into her hair. Holly approached him and said she was concerned about Sara. She nodded and sighed. "I knew they weren't going to be happy, but wow."

He nodded. She had told him about the earlier conversation between her and her mother.

"I should have had them pay for an expensive hotel." Justin was confused. "Wait, why?"

She smirked "cause we have been married for almost a week and we haven't even fucked!"

He laughed and she joined in. "You know we still could." She raised her eyebrow at him. "There's the car in the garage."

"True. We have to have so much sex. Superbowl sex, wedding sex." Justin snorted. "Don't laugh baby, I'm deprived!"

He kissed her before he got up. "Well what kinda husband would I be if I didn't satisfy my wife?"

She smiled and got up, grabbing his hand. They opened the door and looked out into the dark hallway. Taking a few steps, they thought everything was clear until the kitchen light came on. "Oh hey guys. What are you doing?"

Fuck. They turned around to see Patrick with a smirk on his face. "Sneaking off I see?"

Justin rolled his eyes. "We aren't tired. So we thought we'd go for a drive to Jerry's." It was a total lie, but could also serve as a backup since they were was that secluded forest where they could park and fuck."

"In your PJ's?" Pat smirked. Justin glared at his brother. "Well we might stop there, we might not."

"Well I'll join you guys." He laughed seeing the shock on Justin and Sara's faces. "Oh you thought I wasn't going to seek revenge on you guys not inviting me? Oh no. I'm going to make sure that you don't get a moment alone together as long as I'm around. So who's driving?"

Justin grabbed Sara's hand and led her back into their bedroom. "Goodnight asshole." —---------------------☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆—-------------------------------

The rest of the week was mixed

While they were still getting around that issue with her family while planning the Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties during dinner. Justin found out the extent of the Wozniak’s sisters' early party days.

“I have no idea how we talked the cop out of arresting Katie!” Sara was in tears as she recounted the story of her oldest sisters bachelorette party.”

Cathy rolled her eyes. “I thought having your youngest sister meant you girls wouldn’t get into too much trouble.”

“Come on mom, you know that we went crazy all of the nights you and dad were gone.” Brittany smirked. “Remember when Dad called the cops on the half naked man that was running across our property after we pulled in late after visiting Grandma?”

Sara’s eyes widened. “Britt do not!” Mike was confused. “Yeah, some dumbass kid decided to be funny. You know how kids were in the neighborhood.”

“Yeah and guess who was the only one home?” Sara laid her head in her hands, red faced when her dad thought about it, then it clicked. “Sara Christine! That was Carson, the man I met a few days later and I kept saying he looked familiar!” Everyone busted out laughing, except Justin and Mike. “And mom knew too!” Sara and Mike were both shocked. “Mom! Why didnt you rat on me!” Cathy laughed while sipping her glass of wine. “You think your father and I were saints?”

Holly joined in. “My boys always swore they were perfect angels.”

“We were!” Mitch protested. “I know you were, I am just not sure about these two” She gestured to Justin and Patrick, who were confused. “Wait, we were! Don’t blame this all on us!”

After dinner, when everyone was enjoying dessert and the kids were in the pool,Sara got a call from her manager. Excusing herself she headed inside. Leaving Justin alone with Mike.

"Justin, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for how my wife and I reacted to you two eloping. It wasn't very appropriate and we ruined such an exciting time. I remember being on cloud nine marrying Catherine, and we took that joy away from you. My wife, she's very stubborn. She will come around eventually. But I need to apologize to you."

Justin cut in "and Sara. I think she is the one that is owed the biggest apology."

Mike nodded. "I did this morning. Although I know it takes time for full forgiveness. If she ever decides to forgive me."

“What about Cathy? I mean Mrs. Wozniak.” Justin corrected himself

“Its Mike and Cathy, and don’t worry about her. She's sort of embarrassed about the whole thing.”

Justin nodded his head. “Cathy owes both of us an apology. Also my family as well.” Mike nodded. While things may never be one hundred percent, for now Justin wanted to move on and focus on the future and their wedding.

Before the family left, apologies were given, and Mike and Cathy took everyone out to dinner as one of the ways to make amends. Sara just wanted to move on from it all. She wanted to move ahead and enjoy the moments of the wedding coming up.

—--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Exactly where is this going to be?” Justin looked at all of the skimpy outfits laid out on their bed.

It was Wednesday and Sara was set to leave Friday morning and come back Tuesday with her bridesmaids, as well as some of Justin’s cousins and some Lady bolts. They were taking a private jet to someplace warm

“Mexico. We got our own private house.” Sara zipped up the bag of shoes and toiletries, and opened the main suitcase to begin packing the outfits. They each had their own bag and Justin thought it was a bit excessive. His bachelor party was next weekend and the guys planned to go to Montana where there was fishing and hunting.

Looking over at all of the barely there outfits, he wished he pushed for a joint party.

He knew Joey wasn’t happy about having a pregnant AnnSophie along with the girls. She was five months pregnant with their son and while she and some other moms would be the overall moms of the group it was still going to get crazy.

"Why do we even need a bachelor party? I mean we are married." Justin picked up a white crystalized mesh see through dress. "I mean is this supposed to be a cover up? It doesn't cover anything!"

Sara glanced at it. "No that's for dinner and dancing." Justin's eyes widened and she began laughing. "There's nothing here! Babe you can't go revealing your underwear!"

"Relax there's a set you wear underneath." Justin was going to argue that point, but was distracted by something white going in her bag. Pulling it out his jaw dropped. "This bikini! This is the one that I love!"

It was the infamous white bikini that barely contained her goods. The one she wore infront of the guys that made him crazy. "There's not another one you have?"

She shrugged. "This is the only white one I have, and since I'm the bride mostly everything has to be white. I'm recycling outfits. Remember you said we shouldn't waste?" He groaned as his words came back to bite him in the ass. "Yes, but I think in these circumstances this should be allowed!"

She laughed. "Babe, it's a big group. I promise we will behave." She walked up to where he was sitting on the bed and kissed him. "Hey there won't be any strippers."

He rolled his eyes. "I know babe." He rubbed his hands up and down her sides. "I just worry about you running around in all of these skimpy outfits."

"We will be safe. You know Joey made AnnSophie bring security with." He made a mental note to message a thank you to his teammate. "Don't drink too much, and stay in the group."

"Okay dad!" —------------------------------------------------------------------

"TO OUR BRIDE!" Troye screamed to the cheers of the girls as Sara popped the champagne bottle. They were taking a group photo in front of the private plane. Justin just shook his head as he and the other partners all knew it was going to be a crazy weekend. Once again, he was grateful that Joey insisted that AnnSophie bring security with the group. As he saw the Itinerary was going to be massive crowds of people.

Mitch laughed as Isabelle pulled out a bottle of tequila and passed it around for the group to take shots. "Are you sure you don't want to crash it?"

Patrick had suggested that they all have a mini boys weekend while they wait for their partners to come home. He pulled the others aside and suggested that they crash it. "Have you seen the outfits the girls are packing! There's like… no clothes at all!"

Justin shook his head as the group began to climb up the steps Sara turned around and blew Justin a kiss which he caught.

A few seconds later, his phone buzzed, opening the message he laughed and blushed.

I'll send you nudes to think of Me.

—---

"I cant believe this." Sara gasped as she opened the door to the massive house her sisters rented out. It felt like a reality show, it had a luxury kitchen, living room. Sara of course got the master bedroom with the attached bathroom, although she knew the girls would be getting ready together in the room.

"Holy shit. I might not even want to go out." Ekeler's wife was in awe as she checked out the massive pool and jacuzzi. Sara laughed and nodded in agreement. Bella squealed when she saw the massive bar and pool table. "I feel like we are on a reality show."

There was a massive fruit and snack assortment spread with more champagne. "Girls, we got the Meg the Stallion concert in a few hours!Time to get ready!" Samira called out

The group screamed and began to rush to their rooms to get settled, get ready and pregame.

It was pure chaos, with clothes, shoes, makeup and hair accessories spread out in every room. Sara had her hair in rollers when Carly came in with a tray of tequila shots for the group in her room. "I'm going to be so drunk this weekend aren't I?"

"I think we all are!" Carly laughed and the group cheered before taking the shot. Sara had no idea how she did benders in college, but then she was in her early twenties where as now she was going to be twenty nine in a few months. Definitely won't be able to recover as fast. However, she was determined to have one last party before she was married…. Well… the wedding.

Katie took one shot and said that she was going to take it easy. "Trust me sis at thirty eight you're really not going to be able to stay up past ten!"

Things with her oldest and middle sister were still a little awkward. Brittany and Katie did Apologize to her, citing that they thought it was in her best interest to have consulted someone about signing a prenup first.

"So you're saying my marriage is set to fail?" Sara humphed as she took offense to the comment.

"No Sare Bear, we just want to make sure you're protected. I mean also we just feel like this relationship was so fast."

It didn't make any sense, their reasoning, and while Sara opted to forgive, she didn't want to forget.

As everyone finished up their looks, and tons of pictures were taken they were shared to everyone's private social media. Sara didn't want her party to be making headlines, although once people spotted them it was sure to make the front page of every gossip blog and news outlet.

She made sure to message Justin a quick word of their whereabouts and Bella stopped everyone and made a big spectacle about putting a crown with a veil attached on her head. The group screamed once again, and Sara blushed a deep red.

"LETS GO GIRLS!" Troye yelled! And they all hopped onto the large party bus awaiting them.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

God look at her dancing like a whore on the table!

Seriously, she's married and a quarterback's wife. Have some class.

At least Brittany Mahomes never did that Oh please Sara is way classier than that bitch in KC

What's wrong with yall? She is enjoying her moment!

She's married already. Why is she having a Bachelorette party?

Don't call yourselves feminists and then put her down!

Justin felt himself grip his phone tighter as he watched the private stories that her friends posted.

"That's it. I say we fly out to Mexico asap." Patrick said as he focused on a story with Carly dancing on the stage when Megan announced a special guest. Justin's jaw clenched when a video came through on his private messages. 

It was an up close view of Sara shaking her ass for the camera.  No doubt she told whoever had her phone to film this for him.

"Guys, they're all fine. I told Annie to bring her security. They are all good!" Joey was surprisingly the most calm one throughout the situation. 

"I cant believe you guys are getting jealous. Come on. The girls love us I don-" Mitch stopped as he checked his phone. "I told Isabelle that was too see through." Justin busted out laughing at his older brother's sudden change of tone.

"Just let them have fun!" 

—---------------------------------------------------------

"Move out of the way gentleman!" Security shouted as he shoved the cameramen out of the way for the group to make it to the vehicle. They were heading home after dinner and the concert. Sara was tipsy, so she was fighting for her life to focus. 

"Did I look sober?" She asked Alyssa once they were all in the limo. Alyssa, who was probably more tipsy than the bride, looked closely. "You caaan yell in the eyes. But I think you walked the straight line…" Alyssa slurred.

The next morning everyone got a late start to the day, and decided to go out on the boat. It was going to be a chill day. It probably wasn't a good idea to party on the first day.

The girls were now on a boat. Sara was sunbathing in her bikini, while the others were in the water. She was messaging Justin, who was not pleased at all of the videos on social media and news outlets on her twerking on Meg on the stage. She giggled as he told he wanted to spank her.

"Ladies, we have company." AnnSophie announced as she looked out from her chair on the deck. Sure enough a small boat pulled up in the distance. Four men with cameras began to shoot the girls in their bikinis. Sara sighed. "Oh my god please these people need to get a life."

Every minor move was being snapped by the photographers. Sara immediately reached for her cover up. She looked at the group. "I'm going to head in. Turning towards the cameramen on the opposing boat she held up her middle finger so the photo of her alone wouldn't be able to be sold. 

Once inside she joined her sisters in the lounge area. "Hey bride." Katie smiled. "Enjoying your festivities so far?"

Sara smiled. "I am. Thank you guys."

Alyssa hugged her. "You deserve every moment of this girl. So I guess I have to ask this question. "How's married life so far?"

Sara giggled. "It's been great. My name is officially changed."

"So will you be known as Sara Herbert?" Brittany asked as she snacked on the fruit display.

She shrugged. "My team said it'd be better to keep my maiden name professionally. And to some point I agree, but I like knowing that I have his last name."

"Hyphen it." Katie suggested. "Put Sara Wozniak-Herbert on social media."

"I'll think about it."

Alyssas phone rang, and she went to answer it. Once she was out of the room. Sara laughed. "The kids are probably driving Brent crazy." They all laughed

"Speaking of kids, are we going to see a honeymoon baby from you and Justin?" 

"I'm surprised she isn't pregnant right now!" Sara choked on her drink. "Woah woah guys. Let's get past the party first. Besides, Justin and I agreed that we would wait at least a year. Let us get through the first football season married."

"Okay, but you know cousin Siobhan put the pregnancy hex on you." The girls laughed.

—-------------------------------------------------------------

"So guess what we did today?" Justin smiled as his wife was a tad buzzed from another club. Again, social media and news blogs were flooded with pictures of the girls crazy night. 

"Besides dancing on the stage and having a little too much to drink?" He laughed and Sara giggled. "Well first, we took a pole dancing class, and then we had a lingerie night where I got all of these new sets."

"Oh?"

"Yessss." She giggled.

"Did you have a bit too much tonight?" He smiled as he pet Nova laying beside him. Eugene was walking around the house meowing at missing Sara. He heard a giggle on the other end. "Yessss." She paused.

"Is that Eugene I hear?" He sighed. "He has not shut up since you left."

"Oooh poor baby. Oh speaking of, I saw a tiktok of flower girl pulling the cart with cats as the ring bearer." 

"Sara, babe we have to lock them in the bedroom when we have our families over. That is not going to go well with over one hundred guests."

"I'll give you the sloppiest-"

"Sara! The food is here!" That seemed to distract his wife. "I'm sorry baby I got to go."

"It's okay, eat and sober up. I love you."

"Love you more."

The girls did not sober up. They progressively got drunker and raunchier. Karaoke was available in the main living room, and Sara was singing to 'I need a hero.'

"Ladies, our bride got her hero!!" Alyssa screamed and everyone cheered."

"AND WHAT A FUCKING HERO I GOT! WITH A GREAT ASS!" Sara yelled to more cheers.

—-------------------------------------------------------------

"Do you compare the guys in bed?" Bella was sitting on the bed while Sara was repacking. They were scheduled to head home tomorrow, and as much fun as she had partying, being in the sun, she missed Justin and the cats. Plus, her body reminded her she wasn't in her early twenties anymore. 

"What are you talking about?"

"You, Isabelle, and Carly. Since you're all dating brothers, do they have the same mannerisms?" Sara's face wrinkled. "No. That's kinda weird." 

She heard a laugh from the other room, Carly and Isabelle joining them. "We have to be honest. We compared Mitch and Patrick."

Sara paused for a moment, then spoke. "Justin makes this sound when he is close to finishing-" Isabelle made the grunt perfectly, and there was a second of silence before all of the girls began giggling. "Oh my god! Mitch does too?"

"Patrick does the same thing?"

Bella cut in. "Yall think they get it from Mark?"

All of the group busted out in ewws and laughter.

—-----------------------------------------------------------

1 month til the wedding.

"Okay so the final guest list is 220 people." Sara looked over the official rsvp. "Well I guess my parents managed to sneak some of their friends to come." She sighed as Justin walked into the house, sweaty from a workout. He wrapped his arms around her and she squealed. "Get off of me! You're nasty!" He laughed and kissed her cheek.

He had been trying to distract her since now it was crunch time. They were set to leave for Eugene next week to visit family, then drive up with the Herbert's to the venue. She had her final fitting the other day, the bridesmaids and groomsmen had their outfits. Everything was booked.

As for the minister. Stevie Nicks agreed to marry them. Which was surreal in itself. Then there were the famous guests. Timothee, Zendaya and Tom, Harry and his girlfriend. Taylor Swift (Sara invited her on a whim when she ran into her at an awards ceremony) , Hailee and Josh, and Sara's castmates. Justin's teammates and Oregon Legends. The wedding was gaining attention. So much so that the wedding planner had decided to put up tents so the paps didn't capture anything.

Also Sara's camp had contacted Vogue and gave the final no. Anna wasn't too happy about it, but for Justin and his family Sara wanted them to enjoy the day, not worry about signing release forms, and not being able to share photos. To be honest, Sara didn't care about candid photos and videos of the reception being on the internet. So much that she requested polaroid cameras to be on the tables for guests to take candid photos of whatever.

It was becoming real, and she could feel her and Justin's excitement as they arrived in Oregon. All of Justin's family was at the house, both maternal and paternal side. Her family was to arrive a couple weeks before.

She thought she'd be a total brideszilla, but she felt calm. Justin was surprised as well. As the wedding got closer, he had his moments of upset when something didn't go right. He couldn't help it, he was a type A. Everything had to be perfect, especially since this was going to be the most important and expensive day of their lives.

Maybe the calmness could be attributed to the fact that they were married, and they said their most meaningful vows to each other in front of people they loved and were completely comfortable with. When Stevie asked what she should say while officiating, they said to say some nice words about them and the only words coming out of their mouths would be 'I do'

5 days before

"As you can see, guests will be on the balcony for cocktail hour. Then the grand ballroom will open for the reception." The director of open motion for the hotel employees to open the doors to where the ceremony would be held. The large tent was in the process of being set up. However, where they would be standing the coast would be in the background.

It was everything Sara imagined when she picked out the place. Looking at Justin, she smiled big and Justin matched it. "Can you believe this baby? Our day is in less than a week!"

He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. "I can't wait."

"Oh and security will be very tight. I've already made sure the guests have wristbands to get on certain parts of the property. You and your bridal party will be able to enjoy our luxurious, world renowned golf course with the utmost privacy."

Justin smiled. "Oh don't worry we will." Sara laughed. "I think that's why you wanted this place."

"There's the couple of the week!" They turned around to see Justin's cousin and her husband approach them. After exchanging hugs, Justin smiled. "I see you checked in a bit early?"

His cousin laughed. "Are you kidding? This guy." She pointed to her husband. "Couldn't wait to get on the golf course."

"I can't wait to brag to all of my coworkers about the course."

Justin looked at the planner and the director. "Can we hit the course now? I mean my buddies are here, and everything is taken care of on my end." Sara nodded. "I don't care, I'm probably going to check out the bridal suite and look over the rehearsal prep one last time." He nodded and gave her a quick kiss before heading off.

She did a quick once over before heading inside. Guests were starting to arrive and check into their rooms, and someone approached her and she walked the area.

"Sara!" She turned to see Harry and his date coming up to her. After exchanging greetings, they all began to walk together. Sara was explaining how all of the planning was coming together. Harry smiled. "I suppose I should have congratulated you on being married already, but it doesn't feel real until the actual ceremony"

Sara smiled. "It's half and half, sometimes I feel married, other times I feel engaged."

His date smiled. "You look gorgeous, you have that married glow I want to have one day." She looked up at Harry, who was greeting Stevie.

Sara really liked this girl, and was confident Harry would settle down with her. It was just a matter of when.

"Excuse me Mrs. Herbert, but Ms. Swift's security team has arrived, and they want a copy of the guest list to make sure everything is on the up and up." The director came by with a big man, one of Taylor's security team. Taylor had called Sara and asked if she was sure she wanted her to come. It was going to bring a spectral if someone saw her, which she was taking extreme measures not to be seen.

Harry smiled. " Are You used to being addressed as that?"

Sara smiled. "Not yet."

"It does fit you. Congratulations Sara, you're going to make a gorgeous bride."

The rehearsal

Sara wished she paid attention during her sisters rehearsals.

She was a bridesmaid (and Alyssa's maid of honor) before, and she could honestly say she zoned out for every practice. All she had to do was wait for her cue to walk and made sure she went along with the music. No problem

Well now she apparently walked too fast. To be fair her feet were killing her. She wore lace 5 in platform's along with a tight satin dress. Pierpaolo made sure she was dressed to perfection for the pre celebration.

Paps were already on sight and took photos of her on the grounds that weren't sealed off. Everyone was losing their minds over her rehearsal dress. Crowds gathered at the end of the property after someone had spotted Taylor. Taylor kept apologizing to the couple, and as much as Justin was annoyed he didn't genuinely feel sorry for Taylor. It wasn't her fault that people couldn't accept boundaries.

"Sara! A little slower please! You look like you're dragging your parents." Sara was walking alongside both her parents. "Honey, also put your chin up, trust me you don't want double chin in the photos." Her mom whispered, and her smile faltered. Justin immediately took notice being at the end of the altar.

"Okay, now everyone resume places." They immediately went back to the spots. "Okay once the music starts, the doors will open and again, slow, careful steps guys. One, two, three."

The music began playing, and the doors opened. Sara's arms linked with both parents and they slowly began walking. One thing she discovered was that she didn't like everyone looking at her. A nervous tick was that she began laughing uncontrollably whenever she felt awkward. "Sara, control yourself." Cathy whispered. "There's only twenty people, I cannot imagine how you will react when the seats are filled."

"Okay one thing we have to cut out is the side convos. Remember you will be mic'd up so everything you say will be recorded. Also Mike move over a bit, we don't want you tripping over the flowers. Front the top."

Once again, everyone took their place and they went over the routine for what felt like the millionth time.

Finally, everyone was satisfied with the walks, the timing of the music, and some other mundane things. Everyone was over it and hungry.

The rehearsal was catered by Traeger Grills. Justin and Sara loved the crew as they had come over to film sponsor videos with Justin.

As they all enjoyed the full barbecue banquet, both sets of parents had surprised everyone with a sideshow of the couple growing up. Justin died of laughter seeing Sara go beet red when some childhood photos popped up she thought were buried deep in the attic. Mark and Holly came through with Justin's pictures.

The planner made sure that everyone disbanded and was at their rooms by 9pm. "We want to make sure we all get a good night's sleep. 6am wake up call tomorrow."

Justin and Sara walked slowly to the hotel lobby, they would stay on opposite ends of the hotel and wouldn't see each other until the first look. "This is ridiculous. We are already married." Justin whined as they swung their arms as they walked. Sara giggled. "It's one night. You will live." She squealed as Justin picked her up bridal style and swung her around with ease. Their lips met and even after a few years, there was still passion, the love that they had through each other could be felt through their kiss "Are you sure we can spend the night? We will just sneak back before everyone wakes up." Justin broke away.

She thought about it. "Sorry. But the girls and I are doing a little skincare before bed. Plus I'm saving myself for the wedding night." Justin snorted. "And how is that going for you?"

"Pretty well. Actually." They heard footsteps. "Alright you two you will see each other in the morning." Bella laughed as Justin set Sara down, making sure to steady her in her heels. With one last kiss, they departed and went their separate ways.

Upon entering her Bridal suite she laughed. Above her bed were big Silver balloons spelling out 'HERBERT'

"It's surreal huh? Sorta your last night as a Wozniak." She turned around to see her MOH, Alyssa leaning against the doorframe with a smile on her face. Sara smiled. "Yeah. I mean it feels official. I know Justin and I are legally married. But…." She trailed off, not sure how to explain her feelings.

Alyssa nodded. "I know. When Brent and I first got engaged and were in Mexico, we went to a church and got married." Sara's eyes widened. "You never said anything."

"We never did the paperwork to make it binding. But we did it. Why do you think Brent was so defensive of you two?" Alyssa walked up and grabbed her younger sisters hands. "I should have stood up for you too."

"We all should have." Now they were being joined by the other two. Katie sighed. "We are very sorry. How we reacted, God we are no better than our mother." The girls laughed. "Where is mom, by the way?" Sara looked behind her.

"She's off making sure everything is set up. Also Denise and Linda are with her as well." Sara rolled her eyes, but before she could say anything else they were interrupted by Alisha knocking. "Come on ladies, we have everything set up!

Feeling better after the talk with her sisters, the girls joined the rest of the bridal party.

—-----------------------------------------------------------

The wedding day.

Put over 10 girls in a bridal suite, and pure chaos commerces.

Sara was calm as a cucumber. It was funny, because when she looked back on her sister's wedding days she remembered them being all high strung and panicking. Yelling, and barking orders at her and the other bridesmaids.

Yet as she sat at the table eating her omelet and sipping her orange juice (her mother insisted she use a straw, so no stains) she was very calm. It was 7 am, and official pictures weren't schedule til 12:30.

The photographer was due to arrive at 8. "Sara, have you washed your face?"

She shook her head. "Once I'm done I'll jump in the shower and wash my hair. Jonathan is coming soon, and he wants my hair wet."

Cathy gasped. "Sara, you should have showered as soon as you woke up!"

"Mom, can you check and see if every bridesmaid's station is set up." Brittany ushered their mother out the room. She looked back. "You better jump in the shower, I can't hold her off forever." Taking a quick bite of the omlett, and Sneaking some fruit. She quickly jumped into the shower. She was a little bitchy since her mom didn't allow her to have coffee (takes too long to get rid of coffee breath)

Once she was ready she was in the chair as Jonathan began to dry her hair. They were going for a half up half down romantic hairstyle with loose curls. Her heirloom headpiece was taken out of its case while he was finishing up and the makeup artist began.

Pictures were being taken as the fellow bridesmaids were getting ready. "The bouquet is here!" Holly came in with the florist who presented the mix of white and baby pink carnations for inspecting.

"Those are gorgeous! Just like grandma's." Sara felt herself get emotional as she remembered the photo of her grandmother's wedding bouquet she showed to the florist.

The wedding had its personal touches. Justin's suit had a piece of his late grandfather's suit stitched into the inner coat pocket. As well as the memorial table and section in the wedding programs.

More pictures were taken with the bridesmaids in their robes, then the smaller details like the shoes. Cathy unzipped the Valentino garment bag, and Sara undid her robe and stepped into the lace and satin gown. It felt surreal, she had many try-ons, but this was the moment. The one she thought she'd never have. As her mom tied up the back and Holly adjusted the front, she thought about all of the times she watched her sisters and some other family and friends have their moments, and people joking that would never be her.

All of the tears she shed, all the times where she would fake being okay, led to Justin, and this moment. After attaching the hairpiece and veil, she sat down so Alyssa could put on her shoes. "Oh honey, you look gorgeous." Cathy began dabbing her eyes. "My baby girl, I'm so happy for you."

She was guided over to a mirror and Sara felt beautiful. Her A- line ball gown flattered her figure, her now longer hair was styled to perfection. Sara had to admit, she looked gorgeous. Taking a deep breath, she stepped outside into the main area, where all of her bridesmaids were ready with eyes closed. "Okay ladies, open." Sara smiled as the girls squealed and awed over her completed look. "Mom, aren't you forgetting something?" Katie questioned. Sara's eyebrows furrowed. "What?"

Cathy laughed. "Just wait."

The door opened and Mike walked in, he immediately teared up upon seeing his youngest daughter in this moment. "Oh SareBear, you look beautiful." He wrapped his arms around her. "I can't believe it, this is your day sweetheart."

"Makeup make up!" Her artist yelled as he began to reach for his kit. "I used waterproof everything, but there is going to be a lot of tears shed today, so no chances."

"You have the gift Michael." He nodded and pulled a small black box out of his pocket. "Your mother and I didn't know what to get you for your day, but this would be something that we hope you can pass down to your daughter one day."

He opened it and Sara gasped. It was small teardrop diamond earrings. Mike turned them around to reveal an 'H' on the back piece, also in diamonds. "In honor of your new name."

As she put on the earrings, she felt herself get emotional all over again.

—------------------------------------------------------------

Justin was facing the ocean. It was a nice and relaxed day. He woke up, showered, played pool with his groomsmen and new in-laws. He even enjoyed a glass of brandy, courtesy of Brent.

He had to admit Sara was right, it felt more official now that the lavish ceremony was taking place. He never thought in a million years he'd be here at 27. Justin didn't plan on settling down til after thirty, let alone someone in the public eye. But somehow, almost three years ago his heart was stolen by the little brunette who somehow loved him back.

He smiled as he heard the soft clicking of heels over the crash of the ocean waves behind him. The sound grew closer.

"Shit. This veil is heavy." He busted out laughing, and despite not seeing her he knew she had a smile on her face. "Shut up!"

He felt her hand rest on his back. "You can turn around now." She said

As Justin faced his wife. The sight of her, looking like an angel in white almost sent him to his knees. "Wow." He whispered, tears coming to his eyes."

"How do I look?" She whispered nervously and she brought her veil around her shoulders so he could get the whole effect.

"You look gorgeous." He shook his head as the photographer and videographer captured every moment. "I can't believe it's here."

"Yeah." She laughed in happiness. "We're here. Getting married." She smiled. "I mean we're already married but-" He kissed her quiet.

"Are you ready?" She smiled after they pulled away

"As ready as I have ever been."

—----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Dude you're just staring into nothing. It's creepy." Justin broke out of his trance as Mitch stood next to him at the altar. The place was full, every seat filled. Some were waking the paper programs, others were whispering to their seat partners. Most were staring at him. Holly had to calm him down as he escorted her to his seat.

He recognized a few famous faces. Josh and Hailee were there, so was Taylor and Travis (never thought Kelce would be at his wedding.) Hell, the legendary Stevie Nicks was standing next to him, waiting to marry him and his wife.

The music began to play, and the doors opened to the bridesmaids walking to take their places. There was AnnSophie, who was sporting a quite a bump at seven months pregnant, then Carly and Isabelle, Samira, Bella, and then her two sisters. Alyssa, her MOH was the last up the aisle.

The music stopped for a bit then the violin began to play here comes the sun. As everyone rose, the doors opened, and despite just seeing her not too long ago his eyes began to water again.

She was on the arm of her mother and father, her veil was over her face. Mitch clapped his hand on his younger brother's shoulder.

Sara was nervous, all of these people in the room staring at her. As her eyes stayed locked on Justin she could sense his unease too.

Finally, she reached the altar and she kissed both parents.

"Who allows this couple to marry?" On cue both sets of parents spoke in unison. "We do."

"Please be seated." The crowd took a seat, and Stevie began

"Welcome everyone to this wonderful occasion. On behalf of the couple and the Wozniak and Herbert families thank you for your love and support on this special day. I would like to start off by saying a couple words about marriage and Justin and Sara as I've gotten to know them individually and as a couple.

She cleared her throat.

"Justin and Sara grew up on opposite ends of the country. He was a west coast kid with a love of sports, she an East coaster with a love for the arts, now that wasn't the only thing that was opposite. Justin likes to blend into a room while Sara commands it. Sara loves in and out while Justin hates it."

Everyone laughed.

"But despite that, these two with the help of fate and friends, ended up at the same place and time on July 22nd 2022, and now they stand before us and God because when they are together, everything is right in the world."

Sara knew her role model was a talented songwriter, but her officiant speech took her breath away

"Today before us and God, they pledge their lives to each other. By agreeing to enter this union, you agree that there will be times of laughter, and love but there might also be times of hardship. Do you both understand that this is not something to take likely?

"We do." They never broke eye contact with each other

"Do you understand that a mutual love and respect for each other is important not only for each other but if blessed with children that they need to see above all else, their mother and father respect each other?"

"We do."

"Now Justin Patrick, do you take Sara Christine to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Justin smiled "I do. Again"

"Sara Christine, do you take Justin Patrick to be your lawfully wedded Husband?"

She nodded. "I do, again."

Stevie smiled. "May I have the rings?" On cue, Alyssa and Mitch handed over the couple's wedding bands to the older woman.

"May these rings be blessed as they who give it, and they who shall wear it live in peace and love until their lives end." As rehearsed, Justin took Sara's band first.

He grabbed her left hand, and repeated Stevie's words. Slipping the thin platinum diamond band on her finger, Sara gasped and how stunning the ring was. "It's gorgeous." She whispered.

She repeated the same actions to Justin, and Stevie said a few more words, as the crowd said amen. (She left some catholic aspects to appease her parents)

Finally, "By the state of Oregon, I pronounce you husband and wife. What God has joined together may no one separate. Justin, you may kiss your bride."

Loud cheers and claps could be heard in the air all around them but the couple were too wrapped up in their kiss.

—--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Do people actually have sex on their wedding night?" Justin laughed as he undid the buttons on his dress shirt. Sara was in the midst of taking her hair out. "Fuck this hurts." He walked over once his task was completed. "Let me help you with the dress"

She had changed into a white satin cocktail dress and decked out sneakers for the reception/after party, claiming she wanted to 'throw it back' on Justin.

They had fireworks at 10pm to send off the older couples who wanted to leave, then the sparklers were set off at 1am for the after party leaving.

It was now 2am, and the drinks and dancing were now affecting the couple as they wanted to go to bed. "Tell me why you thought a brunch before going on our honeymoon was a good idea?" Justin smiled as he watched his wife clean her face.

"We can still sleep in. Brunch Is at 11am and our flight is at 5." She dried her face and wrapped her arms around him.

Justin smiled down at her. "You're right. It feels more official now that we are wearing our rings."

"Do you regret how we did it?" He shook his head. "We did it our way."

"That we did."

A/N: Thank you guys so much for your patience! I wanted to write so much more regarding the reception but This was already too long. Maybe I'll write a small blurb or you guys can ask questions

[yutasbimil]

Antimony

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (7/8) [series fic] !!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: angst, hurt/comfort cw: heavy on (self) angst; suicidal ideation; graphic and morbid descriptions on said thoughts, negative self-talk, skewed self-perception, mentions of attempts, self-harm. triggering topic on neglect and invalidation of family/relatives. + fudge, I HATE typing this down and reading it to edit, it just crawls into my skin THIS IS THE WORST + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 3.2k

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 8

do not repost © yutasbimil (2024)

Her existence persists to be a contradiction. Her daily pursuits are deliberating from making up her mind on things… as everything had been pointed out too much with being smothered and neglected by her family. Who knew that such a dynamic is possible to be of existence? 

But it would also be a miracle if they just started thinking straight and be normal for once.

From happiness and despair, does she truly care that her pessimism gets in the way of enjoying the art of stoicism? Or is she just truly numbed and disappointed to even care?

‘This is crazy talk from the meds…’

Yule clenched her jaw subconsciously.

‘I hate myself for falling into a slope and fucking relapsing—’

“You okay, my love?” Vyn asks, he is not quite sure of the volume he had observed her. He’s surer about the weeks it has occurred. Vyn is most sure that the lavender essence of the tea and atmosphere doesn’t amount to any help to the lady across from him.

Yule tiredly replies, nodding weakly before lowering her head as droopy as her eyes. The fatigue is catching up with her, along with being numbed along with the medication. She’s still quite adjusting.

But today shows a darker shade in her façade.

Exhaustion reeks in her aura.

“Obviously not, Vyn…” her grumpiness slipped along with her groan. The migraines from jaw clenching aren't adding to her comfortability. 

Vyn had no other choice but to dismiss her snarky attitude.

“You do know I won't go anywhere even if you act that way towards me, right?” Vyn looks towards her sharp glares, she just huffs. He had noticed such patterns of irritability with her, and her means to sabotage anything when she's insecure. “I'll just be here, and just so you know, being harsh and cold towards me hurts, Yule. But let me remind you that I've handled worse so I won't be unfazed.”

“Ha, so you do admit I'm at par, worse?” she rolls her eyes, clicking her tongue. “I doubt that you'll manage, just admit I'm a jerk one can’t handle.”

Vyn’s brow twitched slightly at her sudden shift, he managed to simply purse his lips in a thin line.

“I didn't say anything of the like, Yule. Acting harshly can hurt others, even words can be sharp, does it not?”

“Whatever, just leave then.” Yule doesn't even bat another eye, her tone gradually turning childish. “I'm being pathetic and making a scene right now for the sake of it. I’m that destructive, a ticking bomb. It's obvious to you since you're so smart with your two degrees.”

So, she does know she just wants to fight ‘just because’? Good thing I won't retaliate. With his usual finesse, Vyn stayed nonchalant.

I'll take that as a compliment for her remembering and including it in her snarky remark.

It was clear she was not in a rational state.

Technically, they’re currently in a foreign place for her so it would be ridiculous to just leave her here. It’s silly enough she’s proposing to be left when Yule herself admitted she’s “directionally challenged”.

At least she retained her wittiness.

“Giving you the ‘Time Off’ you advised me when you're not in the mood, but I will just be here. I refuse to leave you.” he declared, still at a halt to wait for her next move.

“Why? I’m not even worth keeping, I’m a piece of shi—”

“Triggers, Yule.” Vyn prompts. “Self-degradation; I’m not tolerating any of it. We’ve talked about this.”

“Even you refuse to believe in facts,” she mutters under her breath. Yule attempts to storm off, but Vyn silently just follows.

This was her warning beforehand, it's as if you're facing another person whenever she pushes people away. If anything, her attitude amplified since she had gone back from visiting her family…

Vyn realized this soon enough as she just shut him off and looked further somber. She had been quiet even before coming back to their rented villa. 

Yule just huffs, obviously having difficulty regulating her emotions at the moment. 

Vyn stayed idle. He just suppressed a sigh as he placed down a glass of cold water for Yule. He knows nothing but to show any discomfort to her, most especially her vulnerable moments when she might take the slightest actions and gestures the wrong way.

As to why it ticks Vyn personally how she’s still viewed as not a concern. It’s obviously debilitating her work performance; it’s hindering her work function. Any other areas of her life including her sleep, appetite, and even social aspects.

It’s infuriating all the more that her evident symptoms and warning signs of help are dismissed as merely “physical sickness” by her family. Isn’t stress one of the leading causes of diseases and common knowledge these days?

“I’m angry— not at you, b-but I am lashing out. I’ll- tell later. Maybe, fuck, I don’t care! No one cares!” she burst out, immediately ripping her look off him as she walked out of the living room into the bedroom.

He just blinked, slightly distraught as poker-faced his expression now.

Vyn dragged the chair and sat down, subconsciously observing the condescending droplets form at the glass of water she left. He puts his hands on his face, his fingers stroking his chin in thought. He furrowed his brows at how unexpected the turn of things was for them just now.

Though, he already put the first piece that bridged this disaster from cascading; the verdict of it all.

Yule told Vyn of her last encounter with her family and relatives before their trip.

Last week…

“What if you get physical therapy instead?”

Even till the end, you’re not believing in me huh?

Yule held her tongue and no longer had any care to even bother rebutting. If only they were the ones who would tend the medical bills for her, but no.

The tone of Yule’s mother implied it’s much cheaper, that her symptoms are most likely only physical exhaustion, and that her fatigue is just lack of sleep. She doesn’t take any care of herself for being irresponsible and an immature person, still. Or at least that’s what her mother always says.

But when it comes to my sister, it’s a different story with finances huh? Suddenly the “budget” is non-existent; they’re all in.

She had to compensate for the fees for her therapy session with her own money…

Well, yeah. She had the money now, but what happened to "supporting her till the end"?

It opposes everything they told her.

She just heaved in a sigh, and everything felt heavier on the next happenstance.

The conversation felt a bit of a blur, more on her not bothering to even respond to her being hurt, and just agreed. The frustration, infuriation, and resentment only build up more as her boundaries are trampled over.

If it means I can get a proper assessment, I guess.

The price to pay along with the therapy. Such irony.

“It just gets dragged longer than I want it to, just further emphasizing the usual flow; I’m not the priority, a burden? Ah- it’s just more on being dismissive that: “It’s not that that you’re feeling.” It’s swept under the rug how obvious—goshdamn, the obvious signs of mental distress to my parents, Vyn! But they choose to ignore the possible mental illness.”

The way that Vyn has his vision on her as if he’s correlating the tangled coherence of her explanation, and he’s patient with ears swung wide open. Yule keeps pacing around the room to at least get her mind off the jitters, she lets her mouth agape to avoid drawing out blood from biting her lips.

“It’s like I’m just lying there bleeding, and they’re choosing to turn a blind eye.”

Yule is reminded to breathe, shakingly while easing her stiff shoulders. She felt her muscles firm up while slouching. It’s as if there’s a hanger placed on her clothes.

“Yes, it can be alleviated by massage, and physically, some ache in my body can be healed, through proper treatment, cure, and shit— but the debate just stood there with the elephant in the room, that it’s quite the opposite that my mental strain and fatigue is more on causing me physical symptoms. Manifesting physically instead…”

“Psychosomatic symptoms*, hmm?”

“Y-yeah, exactly! But of course, it just ends up that I brought the proper weapons in a fight, but it’s never to be acknowledged in the first place. As if you’re telling the doctor that they don’t need bandages on obvious bleeding wounds.”

She had known for the longest time of this feeling since high school. 

It felt like she was walking on lead, underwater and had been drowning for years. She’s raising her arms, for flags but it just gets thrown off as nothing. Go with the flow by all means.

But she needed to keep in mind how to slow down, her anchor already reached its point. Yule needs to learn how to rest and not exert herself when she’s already done more than enough.

‘I’m just pushed to my limit, even if I did well in school up to this point of taking exams for additional credentials— I just want to hide everything away when I know that it will just be brushed off at the end of the day.’

It even leaves Vyn’s gaze at her to waver, the flicker of his eyes dimmed for a slight millisecond at the shakiness of her voice.

Yule bitterly snickers, shaking her head weakly with a huff. “I just got my result that I passed, and I now have a name extension, yet everything I get still seems the least believable to them. Vyn, I’m gonna go insane, I tell you!”

This adds salt to the wound, it stings how her eyes feel dry at this point. This is not at all helpful to the abundance of cortisol levels in her system, as her psychologist pointed out. This condition of Psychosomatic Disorder in line with Generalized Anxiety Disorder**?

What a perfect combo indeed.

Adding the cherry on top of this disastrous combo is the crippling depression she has.

Though of course, this isn’t something ‘serious’ to look into, right?

Having to hear all of this and Vyn analyzing it, the brows on his forehead creased in dismay. Much to Yule overanalyzing everything, too.

Even now, it keeps replaying back in her head. It struck her with fear, and disgust to see how he might be having a hard time with her negativity.

Yule feels guilty, especially about how she’s been dragging him along the emotional rollercoaster. Either it’s with the fluctuation of hormones due to her monthly cycles and the effects of the medicine. Even how she even lashed out numerous times, so stupid! ‘Vyn is tired of me— wait, correction, because of me.’

It’s vastly different from one’s emotional toll when it comes to handling someone close and dear to you.

Yet he remains patient and kind to her unkindness.

Damn, so now that I’m also clinically diagnosed with chronic Depression, why do I still feel guilty even having to be in a loving relationship? I should be happy, right?

This constant weight of sadness and dreading emptiness is pulling her down, and by the slump of her shoulders, Vyn can thoroughly read the deepening of her thoughts.

Tackle the struggles of being in a relationship, the constant sadness, feeling like a burden for having the condition, and perceived helplessness***.

I don't want to drag him along with me. That's the least of what I want to happen.

‘Yet here I am again, hurting him in the process.’

The last time served as the last fucking time. She really had enough of the feeling of never ever being enough for them.

Because the last time she visited, all the time she spent with them led to her being invalidated every step of the conversation. As if it’s meant as a shitfest for Yule.

And she only brought up her anxiety.

Fuck, she’s glad no mentions of her depression slipped off her lips. What more if she brought up her Borderline Disorder? She is already clinically diagnosed at this point, ha, and yet…

Like a wasted game of ping-pong, her ears rang at how insensitive and obnoxious they sounded around the restaurant table. Just throwing words mindlessly or carelessly as if it doesn’t bear any weight. Everyone sounds like a hypocrite, all-talk about family and love.

Bullshit.

Yule is quite very much aware of the generation gap, and she wanted to educate them at first especially now that she has finished her studies. She had freed up her time for the sake of this lunch out.

Yule wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, still, and redirect her expectations that it will at least be better this time around—just this one damn time—now that months have passed.

Alas, it isn’t.

Yule just pointed out how taking it shallowly and using terms like “depressed” or “OC” can do more harm than good to those who are actually experiencing it. It further strays people from taking mental conditions seriously now that it’s at now all-time high to be aware of it.

Instead, a hand just blocked her vision and laughter deafened her in ridicule. I am just exaggerating it, they’re simply just “an expression” and just saying it as its usage. Like huh?

Yes! And that’s what’s wrong. 

Being “mature” wasn’t prioritized in her head as it flipped a switch in her, and it’s a dangerous one. Part of her feelings are hurt, personally triggering her as they mention more words that further devalue it.

Yule has the said condition. So it goes to show that it just means nothing, huh?

But damn, when it comes to my sister as she’s in the spectrum****, it’s more real and needs help.

She shouldn’t compare and the presence of another does not devalue her experience and condition… Yule has progressed so much these past months being away but in just a day, she sees every hope she has crumbling away. What am I even made for? What is my purpose here in this world?

Ha. Man, maybe if I fucking die and jump off a cliff. It’s still not real for them either way, right?

I always feel like glass when I’m with them.

Again, Yule reverts to her 14-year-old self of being silenced, no words want to come out of her. Dissociating, she just autopilots out of her own will.

Instead of exploding, right?

Thank God she didn’t as she will have to land a grenade on their faces on how ridiculous and insensitive they all are. And it all will just go back to me, as I am the bad guy here. It will be my fault for being insensitive for ruining their afternoon for even daring to speak up.

It’s just so extreme that it turned out this way already, what more if Yule told them of her actual condition, so it will be all for naught?

Does it need to be life-threatening?

Well, even when her allergies broke out intensely, there was no urgency at all from them. Maybe they’re thinking I’m just acting it all out for attention… Worse, she’s dismissed as no biggie when it’s clear that she’s not breathing properly.

With anxiety, so it’s not at all considered as a serious condition getting panic attacks out of nowhere to be called “real”?

Are we going back to Philosophy class to regard what is concrete and real compared to what is intangible?

Very bullshit.

That if I don’t need attention or that anxiety is just “shallow”, it will not appear as if I need help. So, it’s just superficial?

Then they’re the ones who have the guts to invalidate me after putting me through the Psychology field, and then I am not allowed to point out their blabbering? Just when I graduated and got my degree, I am still not reliable? Is it because I am not a practitioner or a doctor? Ha. It’s maddening how they’ll make you stupid.

And yet, they expect me? To finish my master's degree and fucking pass the boards after treating me so ridiculously and not worth it in the subject field?

WTF?

I've been feeling like this since I was 19 in university when they don't believe a thing that I point out because I ain't no doctor!

Yet up until now?

Yule could only sneer at such a rut she has in this ratchet household.

Heck, I will pass the boards, and run through her Master's with ease, but I feel that it is still not enough to be seen.

Beyond sated from food, she can no longer palate anything from her dissatisfying wreck of thoughts. I want to vomit. Nauseous, she stared into nothing once again.

I need to exaggerate the details and severity of the situation, yet it's still dismissed. That her anxiety also needs medication and shit.

Yule feels like a kid begging to be seen and wants attention. She needs to go beyond and bend over backward for facts and her reasons to be heard.

But they just don’t choose to use their damned ears for listening. To her in particular.

Am I just gonna die and it's still not believed in?

With Vyn I still have the tendency to be a compulsive liar in order to be believed in, but I keep forgetting to get it off my system that it is not the same case with him. I need a system reset to be at peace. I want to be my genuine self with him.

I really am trying.

Her far-off stares didn’t leave her glassed orbs as Vyn held her hand tightly by the plateau. She asked if they could get some fresh air earlier. By the looks of it, she had finally calmed down compared to her episode earlier. 

But it still feels heartsinking when she's silent and preoccupied. Vyn squeezed it a few more times before Yule finally responded with a weak smile. But she still goes on and off as she dissociates.

How could I have lost an “okay” Yule in just a few days' time?

Of course, not that he doesn’t like her being like this, but who does want to see a person this way? It pains to see someone you love in so much pain and feeling broken apart. And handled carelessly by people you expect of thick blood.

It tampers a scab on Vyn’s part as well, being let down by your own family who is supposed to serve as a safety net to your existence.

Vyn intertwined his fingers with hers to at least ground her further, she flinched a little. Yule had been silent the most since the start of their trip, although a bit responsive, the difference to her usual behavior shows a wound to her well-being.

He simply observes, he senses her trying the most as she strokes her fingers at his hands as they are sight-seeing. Vyn hopes the view gets her mind off things momentarily.

※ my masterlist | #enjeiwrites ※

[larjb3]

Prefacing this by saying that I have chronic pain, which has existed for most - if not all - of my life (yes even when I was a child). I also currently have cancer and am actively going through chemo treatments.

ANYWAYS

My boyfriend today told me (roughly) that I need to stop doing so much during the day (I was holding 2 cat beds and some other stuff that needed to be washed and told him I needed to go to CVS for meds after I started laundry and then I wanted to come home and workout). I was confused, because I didn't feel like it was all that much, and I only had 2 clients + supervision earlier. He said that the day after I do "too much" I'm usually in bed the next day for most of it, or my pain levels are higher. I nodded and said "yes," waiting for actual things that happen after I do "too much." He basically just repeated what he said in different ways when I continued to give him a blank expression. I kept telling him that that's normal for me. He didn't seem to believe me. I told him he hasn't previously lived with me (since when I have low energy-high pain days I usually avoid people and interactions, so he didn't previously see the effects of me doing stuff on a day but he does now since we live together). He said he's lived with me for 8 months now. I said again that that's pretty normal for me and is a pretty common pattern, and that the exhaustion I feel on the day after doing stuff lessens the more I get used to doing stuff. This means that it'll take some time for my body to acclimate to doing things, since chemo has pretty much taken so much out of me for the past 5 months. Eventually he accepted (or gave up with trying to change my mind?) when I said something along the lines of "this is normal, and it's only 'too much' when I cause a flare-up, which I haven't done yet."

I also don't think he actually knows what a real flare-up (fibro) looks like for me. I think he's only heard of it and what it does, but I don't think he's actually *seen* one. I mean, maybe I've had one in these past 5 months since starting chemo, and maybe I just blamed it on chemo? I'm not sure, but that's also kind of besides the point.

So it's interesting to me, as someone who has lived in my body my entire lifetime and has had to navigate different energy and pain amd fatigue levels, that someone else who has lived with me for less than a year, is able to tell me what "too much" is in terms of what I can do during the day. Now it's not to say that sometimes he is absolutely correct when I do too much, and I will openly give him that. But also, this is the most steady energy I've had for multiple days on end in months, and I feel that I'm at least *sort of* pacing appropriately?

[mcufan72]

Cold winter days, a lonely woman on a bench, a stranger in the park...

An Encounter in Winter ❄️

Loki and female reader

18+/adult themes/talking/flirting/slow burn/angst/fluff/smut (eventually)

Warnings: mentions of an accident, alcoholism and death (not detailed, not graphic) /a little bit of implied smut (not reader...not yet). It's a long chapter and maybe the beginning is a bit sad before the flirting can start again. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 2

Chapter 1 here

You and Loki met every day in the park. That has been going on for over two weeks now and you have already developed a lovely routine. First, you walked around that little lake or through the park and told each other about the day. Then you headed out to one of your benches and sat there for a while.

Sometimes you two had many more things to talk about like you would know each other for ages now and sometimes the two of you just sat there in silence and enjoyed the others' proximity. It never felt awkward. It was hard for both of you to not take each other's hands.

How much you wanted to place your head on his shoulder and Loki wished you would just do it. But none of you did anything of it. You both strictly avoided physical contact, except the hand kisses he gave you every day as a welcome. Even then you were always wearing your gloves.

Neither him nor you wanted to destroy what had just begun blooming and might end in a very good friendship. Also you two never asked about private details, both of you didn't want to be intrusive. He knew what your job was and the only thing you knew about his job was that he was something like a businessman, often on exhausting business trips.

Loki was always very secretive about his work or when it came to him. Nonetheless between you two there was definitely a subtle attraction for each other but you both were in denial about it. Love at first sight didn't exist, if love exists at all and so you both still maintained a polite distance from each other.

This afternoon after your stroll through the park you now sat next to him on the bench and you both looked at the little lake and watched at the ice skaters, who were peacefully doing their laps around the rink.

Today Loki wanted to take the chance to find out why you were alone here in this city. Maybe it was too soon to ask you such a private question but he needed to know because…no, he hadn't feelings of love for you but he was concerned about you and somehow the urge to take care of you grew more and more.

"Lady y/n? I'd like to ask you something. Why do you live here alone? What happened between you and your family? There's something that makes you sad and has broken your heart, right?"

He sensed that it wouldn't be easy for you to talk about it.

"You get straight to the point, don't you?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"No, it's okay, Mr. Laufeyson."

Right from the beginning you had the feeling you could tell him everything. You just weren't that kind of person who would tell everyone about your messed-up life on your own. You didn't want to bore someone or to be pitied. But you had nothing to hide or nothing to lose so you decided to talk about one of the worst things in your life that had happened to you.

"There was a big disaster, an accident, with some unfortunate consequences. I caused it, so that's what I thought for a very long time. A few years ago I was on a day trip with my mother and two other people. On our way back home another car, that drove way too fast, took me off the road and I lost control and we crashed in my car.

It was bad, my mother got injured. Nothing happened to me, I just had a shock and the other two were unharmed too. Unfortunately my mother's injury caused her constant physical pain afterwards. I felt so guilty about that. Because I had caused it. And she tried to cover the pain with too much alcohol.

The combination with the meds she had to take continuously since that accident, led to her death finally. My father yelled at me that this disaster was only my fault and that I was the only one to blame for everything.

You know, I had a wonderful childhood and youth, happy and carefree. My parents always seemed to be happy and in love. I'd never have thought that they could be unlucky and desperate. What I didn't know was that my parents' marriage had already been a loveless one for many many years and that my mum sought comfort in drinking lots of alcohol long before the accident happened. My godmother told me later.

At my mother's funeral he didn't even look at me. Only my then-fiance was there for me that day.

Am I through with it? Yes and no. I will never forget what happened but I've learned to live with it. And I still have to learn that none of it was my fault. It was fate and I never had a chance to avoid what happened even if I wanted to. But nonetheless I feel guilty sometimes and I still need time to arrange my new life here and to let go of the past…"

Loki listened to you in silence. He was profoundly touched by what he just had heard.

"Your father needed someone to blame for his faults and his mourn. So, it seems like he chose you. Did you ever meet your father again after your mother's funeral?"

"No, he never forgave me for what I had done. I arranged myself with this situation and it's okay now. And I still love him though."

"You do?" He turned his head towards you, astonished.

"How? I mean, he did you wrong and he let you feel his anger, he left it all out on you and made you responsible for the loss of his wife, your mother. Instead of doing that you two should've comforted each other. You would've needed his love and support."

The unjust behavior that was being shown to you made him angry.

"Yes, he did blame me and I mourned my mother's death alone but he's still my father…and parents are never easy to handle, are they?" You smiled, still staring at the lake.

"And in most cases, we love our parents somehow, no matter what they say or do or what they think about us. And I'm sure, deep inside his heart he still loves me, too. I know it's not possible for everyone to feel like this and that there can be unforgivable things and it's absolutely okay to forgive your parents not. I don't feel the need to meet him ever again but I can't hate him either.

And I had to leave. It became impossible for me to stay where my family lived. For me it's better to live alone. No pain anymore, no sorrows. So that's why I moved here a few months after the funeral."

Loki nodded, he understood what you meant. He had his own family issues and totally understood your contradictory feelings.

"That's really sad what happened to you and between you and your family. I feel sorry for that, I really do." Loki said gently and genuinely to you.

"You don't have to but thank you. I'm stronger now, I'm alright now," you said quietly.

"May I ask you something, Mr.Laufeyson? You turned towards him to face him.

"Of course, Lady y/n!"

It always made you giggle when he called you that.

"I noticed it since the second day I saw you here in the park, sitting on this bench. Don't you feel cold? There's snow on the ground and it's so cold. Every day you wear just a suit, a light scarf and a light woolen coat. You must be freezing! I'm freezing all the time."

Somehow you were concerned about him and Loki chuckled.

"You're adorable, Lady y/n…may I invite you for a coffee or a hot chocolate?"he asked you with his deep baritone and smiled politely at you.

He knew that some Midgardians were addicted to hot chocolate, especially in the winter time and after what you had told him just yet he thought you could need some comfort. You noticed that he didn't give you an answer to your question but you didn't want to force him to give you an answer either and so you gave him a big smile. You were cold and it sounded awesome to drink something warm now.

"Oh yes please, Mr.Laufeyson. A hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows…that would be sooo wonderful now," you answered him full of joy and enthusiasm.

"It's hot chocolate then, my Lady. Let's go!" He replied calmly and you two stood up from the bench to leave the park.

"Wonderful, and I already know a nice café where we can get it" and you hooked your arms around one of his like it was the most normal thing in the world.

He stiffened immediately, stopped walking and looked astonished at your tangled arms and then into your face, a quizzical look in his eyes, raising one eyebrow. You looked back at him a little scared. You didn't want to overstep and let go of his arm promptly.

"I'm sorry" you said quietly, smiled awkwardly and hid your hands behind your back.

His gaze at you was kind of emotionless now and you couldn't decipher it.

"That's quite all right, Lady y/n," he said after a few seconds and offered you his arm gentlemanlike so you could hook your arm with his again.

"My Lady?" he said calmly.

"Thank you, Sir" and you took his offer gratefully, smiled brightly at him and you two continued the walk to the café.

It was pleasant to feel him physically. You felt the muscles of his angled forearm flexing under your grip. You had started to caress his forearm with your fingers without recognising it but it made Loki grinning. It felt good. You were the cutest thing he had ever seen and you clinging on his arm felt pretty good.

When you had reached the café and found a nice table at the window, Loki helped you out of your winter coat and hung it up in the wardrobe together with your scarf and your beanie.

"Thank you, you're a real gentleman," you said and smiled at him.

"That's how it should be and it's what my parents taught me: behave decently towards a Lady because every woman deserves respect, " he answered and he gave you a kind smile.

"No one ever did this for me," you stated.

"That's awful! It seems you only met idiots before you met me." he grinned smugly and winked at you.

He took off his coat and the jacket of his suit and hung them up in the wardrobe next to your winter coat. After he had helped you with your chair and you had taken a seat, he sat down across from you and rolled the sleeves of his crisp white shirt neatly up to his elbows. His tailored waistcoat hugged his body perfectly and his clothing was precisely rounded up with a dark green tie.

The sight of his v-shaped, marvellous torso and his defined biceps flexing under the sleeves of his tight shirt made you swallow thickly. He looked stunning and you tried to not stare at him like an idiot. The knees of his well-built endlessly long legs brushed yours under the table and you tried hard to ignore it. Every contact of your body with his made your spine tingle.

"You might be right with it, Mr. Laufeyson. I only met the jerks until I met you," and a big smile appeared on your face again.

After the waiter had taken your orders, Loki decided to continue your conversation you had in the park. He wanted to learn more about you because he liked you very much. You were so positive, your whole appearance and attitude were so natural, genuine and warm. Your natural manner was enchanting. He admired you for being so strong. But besides this he was sure there were more incidents in your life that had hit you hard.

"It seems you like the color green?" you asked him and you made a gesture like you would tidying an imaginary tie around your neck.

"Oh…yes, it's my favorite color," he answered laughingly.

"Mine too," you said and smiled at him.

"I know," he answered with his velvety voice and a flash of pink appeared on your cheeks.

"Excuse me, Lady y/n but…I can't get it out of my head. So you are really completely alone here in this town? No family, no friends? You also mentioned a then-fiancé. Is there really no one who takes care of you? After everything that happened to you?"

Maybe it would be better to not answer a stranger's questions you just met some time ago but you trusted him somehow. He remained distant and guarded all the time and you didn't know much about him but you didn't have the feeling that he wanted to harm you, it seemed he cared about your well-being. And mostly your gut feeling didn't betray you. He truly seemed to be one of the good ones…but you would definitely not talk about your ex-fiancé.

"Besides that I'm a big girl and able to handle myself, you seem really to be concerned about me."

Loki just shrugged his shoulders apologetically and smiled politely. In addition he couldn't ignore your beautiful body which was perfectly hugged by your knitted turtleneck sweater and your jeans. He liked your beautiful small delicate hands and how you were fidgeting with your fingers.

"Besides my father, I have a sister, a brother-in-law and a niece."

"A sister, a brother-in-law and a niece? That's wonderful. Do you meet them regularly?"

"Why do you want to know all this?" you wondered and smiled at him.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to overstep anything and of course you don't need to give me an answer. But I like you and it just concerns me that a nice woman like you has neither a family nor friends here by her side who care about her. I know how it feels to be alone all too well."

Now you were concerned about him. A man like him was alone and lonely in life, too? Until now you've never talked about those private things, you just spent approximately two hours in the afternoons together and you always presumed he has friends or a special someone. And if he had a wife you would never want to come between them. His concern for you seemed to be genuine so you wanted to answer him.

"No, unfortunately, I don't see my sister and her family. She and my niece… were the other two passengers in my car…. You sighed quietly.

"They're world travellers and the last time I saw my sister was at the funeral of our mother. And I'm sure she doesn't want to see me ever again because when we had that accident I could have harmed her and her baby, too. I think she will never forgive me for what happened either. Our relationship after the accident is a complicated one. And to be honest, I don't even know where they are actually." You chuckled slightly.

"But I have some friends at work…ahm… they're more colleagues than friends but sometimes we meet at the theater or in a restaurant…so, as you can see, I'm not completely alone."

The waiter came and served you your hot chocolate and Loki his espresso and you both took a sip of your beverages.

"Mmhmm…fantastic, exactly what I need right now, " you hummed.

"Your hot chocolate marshmallow stuff looks delicious," Loki stated and he noticed the seam of cocoa and cream on your upper lip when you put the mug on the table, your hands still cupped around it to warm your hands.

"There's…something on your upper lip." Loki stroked his index finger over his upper lip to show you what he meant and grinned.

You raised your eyebrows and laughed silently. With your tongue you licked the cocoa-cream seam slowly off your upper lip, unaware how exquisitely sensual you did it. Finally you stroked with the side of your thumb over your lips to clean them properly and as the cherry on top you gave him your cute smile.

"Better?" you asked him.

Loki couldn't help himself but stare at you and your action. He licked his lips nervously and he felt how his pants became tighter in his crotch.

"Yeah, better," he assured you.

"Wanna taste?" you asked him smoothly while looking him deep in the eyes and you passed your mug into his direction.

A shiver ran down his spine. He swallowed hard and cleared his throat.

"Maybe next time, darling. But thank you," he replied in his deep voice but now it sounded a little bit more rough and scratchy.

Why did you affect him so much? He shouldn't allow himself to feel like this. You would never talk to him if you knew what he did and who he really was. You were too good for him.

"You miss something if you don't taste it, it's really good," you pouted and glanced at him smilingly.

"I'm sure it is. I'll try it one day. I promise."

"Good, I'll remind you about it!" and you put your mug back on the table again.

"So tell me, Mr.Laufeyson. What about you? Do you have family and friends here? A wife somewhere waiting for you perhaps? I can't imagine that a handsome and extremely polite man like you is all alone here in this city."

He hesitated before he gave you an answer.

"I have a brother. He lives here too. No wife, no…I'm not in a relationship. I'm…not alone …most nights, if you know what I mean but…it's never anything solid…and I moved here recently so…I don't know many people here, not yet. I need to put certain things here in order."

"Ah, okay, I understand."

Was it a good or a bad sign that he hadn't asked you yet to spend the night with him? Anyway, you weren't looking for a one-night-stand or a boyfriend.

"So you have a sibling too, a brother, that's nice. It's important to have your family nearby…if possible. And please don't get me wrong, I didn't want to be offensive..it's just…once bitten twice shy… the jerks, you know."

You answered him friendly and smiled.

You didn't want to force him to tell you more. You had the feeling that he didn't want to tell you more details about his private life.

"No need to worry, Lady y/n, you haven't been offensive. Not more than I've been,"

he answered you and took a sip of his espresso.

Your conversation became more casual and general again like it was every day when you met each other at the park.

You talked about the cultural offers of the city, some musicals and museums.

"Would you like to visit an art gallery? With me?" he asked.

Did he just ask you out for a date? Normally he asked a woman to share his bed for the night. He never asked for a date. But you were a special woman to him. You deserved better than only to be a one-night-stand. You deserved to get conquered and loved. He wasn't the right man for you but he wanted to give you a good time and make you feel less alone. And he would be less alone too.

"You would like to do that with me, are you sure, Mr.Laufeyson?"

You couldn't believe that he wanted to do this with you, that he could be interested in art, too. Normally you were used to visiting art galleries all by yourself.

"Hmmmmhh! I'm absolutely sure!" he assured you.

"Oh, yes that sounds great and yes I'd love to visit an art gallery with you."

His offer made you overly happy.

"What about next week?"

"Fine, that sounds great! Next week then!" you nodded. "It's late, I should go home now. I gotta get up early."

"Shall I escort you home?"

"No, no please, no circumstances Mr.Laufeyson. My place is not that far away from here. But thank you for your kind offer…and your invitation."

"My pleasure!"

Loki nodded, smiled warmly at you and when you stood up from your chair, he went to the wardrobe and helped you into your coat. He stood so close behind you that you could feel his breath on your neck, his fingers touched your shoulders gently. You shivered again, his closeness felt good and made you feel safe. You turned around to face him and for a short moment, you thought he would kiss you. Of course, he didn't, you barely knew each other.

It felt good when he stood so close to you. He hoped you wouldn't think he wanted to touch you in a not-so-decent way when his hand gently stroked over your shoulders after he had helped you into your coat. It happened rather accidentally than purposely or that was what he thought.

When you turned around to face him he couldn't resist letting his eyes wander over your pretty face. He found you incredibly pretty with your sparkling eyes and your wonderful soft lips. It was hard for him to kiss you not. He bet you would slap him if he would do it, you only knew each other briefly. It didn't feel right to kiss you, not yet and maybe he would never be allowed to do that.

"Have a nice evening, Mr.Laufeyson and thank you so much for this lovely afternoon and…the hot chocolate."

"Have a nice evening too, Lady y/n, I definitely enjoyed the afternoon with you, and you're welcome."

"Tomorrow, same time, same place?" you asked him happily.

"I'm looking forward to tomorrow, same time, same place. And after our stroll in the park, I'd like to sit here with you again, in this lovely place. What about you? Would you like that?" he asked you, softly gazing at you and waiting for your answer.

"Yes, let us go here again tomorrow. That would be great. See you, Sir. Bye."

"See you then, my Lady."

You smiled brightly at him, turned around and waved your hand at him when you opened the café's entrance door and left the café.

On your way back home you walked along the store windows which were so lovely decorated for Christmas. Your coat and your scarf smelled like him…sandalwood …and a warm smile curved your lips slightly.

After you had left, Loki got dressed into his jacket and coat, paid the bill and left the café too. He didn't want to go home yet and so he visited a bar, to find a companion and distraction for the night…like usual. And if he was honest with himself he had the unfulfillable hope that one day you would be his companion, his friend, his lover, his girl for each of his lonesome nights and days…and he smelled a hint of your perfume that lingered in his coat and a smile curved his lips.

"Yes babe yess…fuck me, Loki…deeper, deeper…I'm a good girl, I'm a good girl yes,yes…please…fuck meee daddy…"

"That's what you want, slut, hm?…want me to fuck you relentlessly like the whore you are…fuck…just like that…"

"Yes, I'm a whore, fuck me deeper… daddyyyy…deeper…yesss…"

Loki fucked the woman underneath him in a merciless pace. He was close to his release, he just wanted to finish this quickly.

"I'm…cumming."

"Yes, cum…cum now" and he ejaculated and she climaxed while shouting his name.

When he looked at her, he himself was panting heavily in the aftermath of his orgasm, he didn't see her, he saw your face…Loki pulled out of her quickly and left the bed, slightly irritated, stroking his hands through his messy hair.

"Loki darling, come back to bed, I want to cuddle you " she pouted.

"No, no cuddling, just fucking. I made it clear before we started!"

"Oh come ooonn. You're so sweet," she chirped.

"No! Go girl! Please! I never cuddle, okay! …please go, clean yourself or take a shower if you want and then just go. No aftercare. We both just wanted to let off some steam. That was the deal," he said respectfully but strictly.

"Okay, babe," she answered carelessly and jumped out of the bed, collected her clothes from the floor and went towards the bathroom. She didn't care, she had a good fuck with Loki and that was it. A few minutes later she came back, cleaned and dressed.

"Bye, Loki babe, you were fantastic, " she purred, pressed a wet kiss to his cheek and left his apartment.

Why did he see your face when he fucked a random woman? He couldn't allow himself to fall for you…and he wiped his hand firmly over his cheek where that woman had kissed him. He didn't feel satisfied, he felt empty inside and alone.

Something had started to change.

❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

@lokisprettygirl @wheredafandomat @fictive-sl0th @lokixryss @huntress-artemiss

[seraphim-soulmate]

don't want more of Today, but also don't want to go to sleep bcs then it'll be Tomorrow and tomorrow's plans are even worse. I feel like I'm going to lose at conversation. I can't communicate with the same level of depth of meaning that will be expected of me. I mostly just feel numb, empty, devoid of desire and direction. which makes it hard when someone is demanding emotions from you.

trying to communicate with my mom, who expects me to say all the right things and be a certain way while also verbally insisting that it's "ok that I'm not normal" or "why pretend to be normal" ,,, but yet you're still asking me to be "normal" with your actions and words. to meet you where you're at, to answer in ways that are coherent and are good for you. show up, be presentable, care, have well thought out responses. that is exhausting and the time my mask can stay up is getting shorter and shorter around my family.

I nearly didn't go to a haircut I scheduled for myself today just bcs I didn't want to. I didn't feel any drive to get out of bed, to do something for myself. what got me to go was the idea of the shame of not showing up for an appointment, maybe getting a phone call asking why I wasn't there. I'm still stuck in this state with no motivation or drive and having to drag myself to go places and do things. because I can't just stay in bed and do nothing for yet another month. at least when I take my meds, things are a bit more doable. but it's still hard seeing myself in this state and not really knowing what to do about it. usually motion begets more motion, but the ball is not rolling ! I don't have any inspiration to get me to do something else and everything is hard enough as it is.

[spacedace]

Switched my adhd meds recently due to issues being able to eat on the old ones and holy fuck are these new meds Not It.

Been fucking exhausted like I haven't been since I was dealing with lymn disease with my brain so wrapped in fog I could barely function and it's just been getting worse the longer I've been on them.

Didn't take it today and I'm just *now* coming out of the exhaustion & brain fog ugh

Back to the drawing board I guess 😩

[angelsanarchy]

Glass Houses: Jack Thurlow x Y/N Series CH 10 -> CH 11

"He's a pretty good cuddle buddy." "I'm glad he can bring you some comfort."

Tagging: @roryculkinluvr @thatsthewrongwallcraig @icarus-star @cc-luvr @madamemaximoff06 @shady-the-simp @quicksilversg1rl @s-0lar @kristennero-wallacewellsver @ophelialaufey @mayathepsychic1999

Jack spent the majority of the day hanging out with Ace. He didn't have it in him to work on his writing today. All he wanted to do was stay active long enough that he would be able to sleep through the night like he had last night. He didn't see himself being able to actually get it up twice in one week so physical exhaustion the manual labor route was all he could do.

Ace was actually really obedient off leash. He ran him around the backyard, playing catch with him using one of his dad's old tennis balls. He shuffled under his feet almost tripping him a few times as he re-arranged new furniture upstairs. He even watched Jack exercise, or at least a poor, uncoordinated workout with a few smoke breaks mixed into it. He knew he would eventually have to quit but he hadn't planned on it being any time soon.

By the time they had eaten, showered and retired to bed, Ace was snuggled next to Jack the moment he flopped down on the bed. He hadn't realized what time it was but the ping of his phone startled him.

Y/N: Hey you're probably sleeping already but I just wanted to give you a heads up that we're back home and I will pick Ace up in the morning.

Jack frowned knowing he was going to lose his bed buddy but his stomach jilted with excitement knowing Y/n was home.

Jack: You didn't wake me. Ace and I just laid down, did you want me to bring him home now?

Jack waited for another message but the phone started ringing, making Ace jump.

"Hey, I can get dressed and bring him to you-"

"No no don't get up. I'm too exhausted to deal with his excitement tonight so he can stay as long you're okay with it." Y/n sounded tired.

"Yeah we'll be fine tonight." Jack reassured.

"Oh I have no doubts." Y/n chuckled.

"Yeah he's a pretty good cuddle buddy." Jack gave him a squeeze.

"I'm glad he can bring you some comfort." Y/n's smile came through the phone as Jack got comfortable.

"How's your mom doing?" Jack asked genuinely curious.

"She's doing a lot better. She was asking about Ace and I told her you were taking care of him so she may want to meet you. She's big on giving people flowers but I reminded her that you might not be a flowers guy." Y/n said making Jack chuckle.

"She doesn't need to do that. I mean I can appreciate some flowers but she's been through enough. No need to garden on my account." Jack felt relaxed talking to Y/n. He felt like the only other person he could talk to like this was Shanda except he never cared to see her naked.

"Well maybe you'll get lucky and I'll bring you more coffee and breakfast." Y/n offered.

"That would be nice but the way my sleep schedule is, I may still be knocked out at 11AM." Jack rubbed at his face and could hear her click her tongue against her teeth.

"Must be nice! I wish I could sleep in." She teased.

"Trust me, I would love to have a normal sleep schedule but my medications have other plans." Jack glanced over at the pill bottle on the nightstand.

"Your meds giving you a hard time?" Y/n asked concerned.

"Nothing I can't live with I guess. Just never being able to sleep or eat right." Jack's chuckle made Y/n frown.

"Oh so just those two life necessities? You know, you're allowed to try different meds to counteract some of those side effects. You should really talk to your doctor about some of those side effects messing with you." Y/n sincerely cared about Jack not feeling well. He chalked it up to her being a nurse.

"Nah he already knows. Plus I've recently had a surprising change that I'm afraid I might lose if I start a new medication." Jack spoke so freely that he felt himself getting slightly hard just at the mention of what happened last night.

"Oh yeah? That's great. Big change like more energy or small change like your body doesn't ache as much. I know muscle spasms are a bitch." Her knowledge of medication side effects might be useful if he would just accept the help.

"Um...well I was able to get an erection for the first time in a year." Jack laughed earning a whistle through the phone.

"Whoa whoa whoa, that's great but it's only a big change if you were able to finish..." Y/n waited for his answer and his silence made them both erupt in laughter.

"Jack Thurlow, you absolute slut! Congratulations on a long suffering orgasm." Y/n practically sang. Jack couldn't help but wonder what she would think if she knew she had a hand in it, no pun intended.

"Thank you. No one was more surprised than me but it helped me sleep so it was definitely a win." Jack sighed giving his chub a slight rub.

"As great as that is, you should still consider some alternatives or additives. Cumming is wonderful but being able to eat with nausea and sleep without interruption only makes that even better." Y/n's suggest didn't fall on deaf ears.

"I will consider talking to my doc about some changes if you promise to bring me a breakfast burrito tomorrow." Jack smiled knowing she was returning it on the other end of the line.

"Deal. Now put your pants back on! No jerking off on or near my dog you horny nerd." Jack's laugh was straight from the belly. He hadn't laughed so hard in longer than he could remember.

"I make no promises." Jack joked.

"Goodnight Jack." Y/n laughed into the phone.

"Goodnight." He hung the phone up and noticed he was still smiling even after placing the phone on the nightstand. Ace stared at him for a few moments and Jack reached out to scratch his head.

"She's not so bad, Ace. Not so bad at all." Jack snuggled down behind Ace ready to fall asleep clutching the pup. He wasn't sure if he was actually exhausted or if his brain was ready to shut down just so he could get to morning faster.

[livingandthriving]

A year ago today I went to see my doctor, hoping to get some answers (and treatment) for my increasingly severe respiratory issues. She ruled out asthma and sent me to the ER to get some tests done. Little did I know I'd end up hospitalized for 3.5 weeks.

(This is going to be long, sorry.)

They tested me for Covid and allergies, and when those came back negative they did a CT scan, and that was when they saw I probably had some type of lymphoma. They did not tell me this right away, just that there was a lot of fluid build-up around my lungs, among other things. Getting that drained was Not Fun (I almost passed out). I was admitted to the hospital proper after that, and spent 10 days in the Pneumology ward hooked up to O2 and getting the pleural effusion drained every few days while waiting on an official diagnosis. They did tell me on day 2 that they'd found what might be tumor and needed to do a biopsy to confirm, so when the diagnosis turned out to be Hodgkins lymphoma I was not completely surprised, but it still felt unreal. (Mind you, when the hospital psychologist came in with the doctor to break the news, I had a feeling it wasn't going to be good.)

The doctor was quick to reassure me that my prognosis was good, but there was clearly no time to lose since I was promptly transferred to Lyon to start chemo. I got my first helicopter ride out of the deal: they were concerned about potential traffic jams on the highway and didn't want to risk it while I was still on oxygen. My best friend's response when I messaged her to tell her this was to suggest I hum the Mission: Impossible theme while in the air. I didn't, but the crew found her suggestion hilarious. 😂

I made it to Lyon without incident, and my parents arrived shortly after I did (traffic was fine after all) to find that I was already something of a celebrity: apparently they don't get many patients come in by helicopter. Upon learning this, Best Friend's sister requested my autograph. (There's a reason I'm good friends with this family.) 😆

The next day was a blur of procedures, culminating in getting hooked up to my first round of chemo that evening. I was a little concerned about potential nausea, but thankfully the anti-nausea meds they gave me beforehand worked beautifully. I was still exhausted afterwards, though. That would be my default state for the next few months.

A few days in, it was determined that poking a new hole in me every 3-4 days to drain the pleural effusion was highly impractical, especially since it was going to take a while to go away, so I got a drainage tube put in. It was Supremely Uncomfortable (I was on morphine for several days), but within a few hours they were finally able to take me off oxygen! Being able to breathe normally never felt so good.

I got to go home in between rounds of chemo, which was very nice, even if I wasn't back in my own room (I had twice-daily nurse visits and it was easier for me to be in the guest room downstairs).

Going back for the second round was definitely different: no helicopter, I was able to walk in, and I knew what to expect this time - well, mostly. I didn't anticipate having to stay a couple of extra days because getting a new Picc line put in proved challenging. It's always something, isn't it? 😅

Thankfully that was the last time I had to stay at the hospital for more than a few hours: the PET scan I got a few weeks later showed that I was in remission, and I was able to do the rest of my chemo as an outpatient at my local hospital. Aside from two sessions getting postponed due to illness/low white blood cell count, that all went smoothly and I had my final session in January.

Early February I got another PET scan which confirmed that I was in complete remission, at which point I could focus on recovery. This is definitely going to be the longest part; I was told it can take up to 2 years to get back to normal. The fact that I'm already back at work, albeit part-time, is pretty good, all things considered.

So, how did all this affect me emotionally? The first few days in the hospital were probably the hardest, because something was obviously very wrong, but I didn't know what. In spite of that, I had a sense of peace and that God was in control (the song The Goodness of God was stuck in my head for days). That peace persisted even with the diagnosis, which is definitely a miracle because I'm generally prone to anxiety and jumping to the worst-case scenario. Instead, my reaction was, "Welp, this is gonna suck, but I'm going to make it." It helped that I had lots of people praying for me.

Even so, there were some rough moments. Losing my hair a few weeks in was especially difficult. I knew it was going to grow back, but I think that was when everything really started to sink in. Having to cancel my travel plans for the fall was another hard pill to swallow. Not being able to go to church was probably the hardest.

How am I doing now? Well, I'm still processing everything (hence this post), and likely will be for some time. It still feels a little unreal to tell people I had cancer. It's not one of those things you ever think you'll have to deal with, at least I didn't think I would. But here we are. I will say the fact that I'm starting to really process it all now is a good sign since it means my brain is no longer in survival mode. Hopefully that will continue.

I could go on, but this is already very long (kudos to you if you made it this far) and it's late, so for now I'll just say I'm grateful to still be here. Oh, and if you start having weird symptoms, don't wait to see a doctor.

[nei-ning]

Today has been emotionally very bad day. I felt like shit when I woke up at 12:30pm. I cried 2h straight while being curled on my mattress, feeling horribly shitty in all possible ways.

I took tiny piece of Opamox (it relaxes) but it didn't help. I should have taken a half at least.

My depression medicine was increased to 30mg per day and it effects on me weirdly. I take the meds at 8:45pm because they make me sleepy. Or should. What they do is this:

It takes them about 3h to kick in, after that I feel more numb emotionally but they won't help my mind to calm down. Anyway, I feel even a bit better so I stay awake to 4am, manage to sleep about 4-6h while seeing many weird vivid dreams (extremely exhausting). Then I keep waking up over and over again like in every 5 to 10 minutes which, again, is very exhausting. Not to mention I'm ALWAYS covered with this cold slimy sweat! Then, when I finally get myself up at the noon, I feel like shit! My anxiety is skyrocketing each second, refusing to calm down. I cry, I get diarrhea, it's hard to swallow since my throat feels like blocked, my guts and heart are being twisted and squeezed, I'm hungry but can't eat since I feel sick and so on. It's honestly so horrible. Then, from 6pm to 8:45pm before I take the meds, I feel a bit better for a some reason. I've been wondering could the afternoon anxiety be side effect from increased dose which fades away during the evening. Because I did not feel this anxious earlier when taking smaller doses. Not even as a side effect.

And then my mind. The best way to describe it is this: imagine small iron box with lid which could hold a mug for example. Inside it is rubber super ball, you know, those super bouncy ones. That ball is CONSTANTLY and rapidly bouncing in all possible directions without slowing or calming down! I can't grab that ball and stop it or control it. That all is my mind, my thoughts which constantly are one and the same, focusing only on thing X (currently on meeting psychologist on Monday) and that is so exhausting but more than that... That keeps my anxiety on.