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Safe Word
Jessie Fleming x Reader
Summary: Jessie and you try out a new strap. One that requires careful use and a safe word just in case.
Warnings: Smut. Size kink. Large strap. Safe word. Cunnilingus (r receiving), masturbation (j). Language.
A/N: This one’s for anyone who’s sick of my G!P fics lol. This combines a couple of requests for using a safe word and doing another size kink fic.
"Oh my gosh."
"Are you sure about this?" Jessie asked and you nodded readily.
"We have our safe word if it gets to be too much," you reasoned.
"Which is?" She asked purposefully.
"Clover," you responded. She nodded in approval.
"Good." She offered you a subtle smirk. "Gotta make sure my girl is okay."
Your eyes drifted back down to the strap that Jessie wore. Her hand was wrapped around it, but it was large enough that her fingers didn't connect as she grasped it.
You taking her strap was nothing new. She'd taken you all over this apartment; you calling her name as she fucked you so good there could be no other outcome than you trembling and cumming on her strap.
However, her newest addition was something else altogether. She'd made no secret of how she loved seeing you stretched out around her and you were very vocal about how much you loved the way she filled you up. It was really only a matter of time until a larger strap would be introduced.
This thing though, as she held its weight in her hand, you couldn't help but note how its width was almost as big as her forearm. A wave of arousal went through you at seeing her stand before you with it, but you couldn't deny there was an ounce of apprehension in there as well.
She'd just gone down on you, making you cum on her tongue twice, even, surely wanting you to be as ready as possible.
"I still think you should be on top when we start," Jessie said as she rubbed lube up and down the strap. You gave a cheeky shrug of a shoulder.
"I trust you, baby. You know what you're doing," you said. She cocked her head and an eyebrow, but couldn't conceal the smug smirk that crossed her lips.
"We'll go slow," she assured you as she pulled you to the edge of the bed. A smile crossed your face at being manhandled by her and your legs instinctually wrapped around her waist. "Mm, I'll never get tired of the way you spread your legs for me."
Your core pulsed and you grew wetter just from that statement, alone.
"God, baby, you look incredible," she said as she ran the thick head of the strap through your folds and over your sensitive nub. Your back arched briefly before relaxing back into the bed. Jessie's dark eyes were honed in on how large the strap was even against your lips. "You are going to look so stunning wrapped around my cock."
"Mm," you voiced as you dug your heels into her and pulled her closer. She chuckled and gave you a flirty look.
"Patience, my love."
She thrusted her hips gently into her fist, relishing the visual as it part your lips and stroked your clit. She wanted you dripping wet.
"Don't tease me," you pleaded as you wiggled your hips in mild protest.
She 'tsk'd you a couple of times with a pointed look.
"Impatient girls don't get my cock," she said.
"I better be the only girl getting your cock," you said with a grin and she merely rolled her eyes before offering you a wink.
"You know I'd be terrible at cheating," she chuckled. "I can't lie to you at all."
"And I love that about you," you said as you tried to push your hips into her strap, still solely focused on what you wanted.
"And you know what I love about you?" She asked slowly as she shifted her hips and guided the strap to rest at your waiting entrance. She bit her lips as she very gently shifted her hips forward. Her own core pulsed at the sight of the large head of the strap nudging at your opening before your lips encircled it, pulled tight around its girth. She smiled and finished her thought. "How well you take my cock."
"Oh fuck," you said, both turned on by her words, but also at the sensation of the strap stretching you to new limits.
"You okay, baby?" She asked, holding still inside of you.
You stared up at the ceiling in concentration, nodding rapidly. "Yes, I'm okay."
She slipped in a touch more, wanting to give your entrance some reprieve from the head and waited a few moments longer to let you accommodate.
"Oh my gosh," you said as you brought your hands up to your head, eyes still on the ceiling before drifting down to meet her watchful gaze. You chuckled breathlessly. "That's big."
"And you're taking it so well, baby," she said as kneaded your thighs, eyes lowering from yours to see how she was filling you up. She throbbed at the sight, eyes closing momentarily before she refocused and looked at you. "Tell me when."
You nodded. "Go ahead."
She cautiously rolled her hips forward, more of the strap disappearing into your tunnel.
"Oh, babe, this looks incredible," she said in awe. You barely registered her words, instead you'd pushed your head back into the mattress, jaw dropping at the overwhelming sensation of your pussy being stretched out like never before.
"Holy fuck," you breathed. A frown of concern crossed her face, but you quickly dismissed it. "I'm fine. I like it. Mm, God, you're filling me up so good, baby."
Jessie's jaw clenched at your praise as she drew back subtly before nudging a touch deeper into you. You moaned as she repeated the motion until she was as deep as she could go.
"You okay, baby?" She asked.
"Yeah," you nodded. You tested clenching and relaxing - or attempting to - around it. Then you tried rolling your hips against her, the sensation pulling another moan out of you. You clocked the smile of wonder on Jessie's face.
You reached out for her, pulling her into your embrace, a hand coming to rest just under her jaw as you kissed her and whispered. "I want you to fuck me. Show me what you can do with this big cock of yours."
Jessie kissed your hard, blistering, even, as she pushed you further into the bed. You grinned and she stood back up and drew her hips back tentatively before very carefully pushing into you once more.
The empty feeling of her strap leaving you before being filled and stretched once more was more prominent and extreme than ever and it felt amazing to ride out those sensations.
After several, tentative strokes, Jessie felt comfortable with how you were taking her and she began to find a steadier rhythm. Her pace was still slow, but her strokes grew firmer as she grew confident that you could take her.
By now, she was rocking her hips fully into you, anchoring herself with her hands on your hips as she arched her back into you.
She leaned down again, your hands immediately coming up to splay through her hair and caress her neck, capturing your lips in a heated kiss.
"You're doing so good, baby," she whispered into your kiss as she pumped into you.
"You're filling me up so good," you said. "Mm, I can barely take it."
"I could see how tight you were around it. You're doing great and taking me so well," she praised.
You gasped in pleasure as you pulled her closer to you, rocking your hips up to meet hers.
"You feel so good inside of me, Jess," you whispered.
She groaned and stood back up so she could better fuck you better. She grasped your legs and hoisted them up so her hands were on your calves, holding your legs further apart and again relishing the view of her strap sinking into you, your skin pulled taut around it.
"Oh fuck," you panted as she leaned back, trying a different angle and sliding home again.
Soon, all reservations from before left her mind as she began to fuck you with the same fervour and intensity that she normally did. Your clipped moans filled the room and she grinned wickedly at you as she repeatedly drew back to the tip and sunk back in.
Jessie panted as she thrust into you. Sweat started to form across her brow and she wrapped your legs around her waist once more before leaning over you again, tucking her head into your neck and her arms under your back to hook them over the top of your shoulders and began to surge forward to fill you.
Your fingers dug into her back, nothing new during sex. She heard you whimper in her ear and she drove deeper into you, her hips bouncing off of yours and you tensed up completely.
"Clover. Clover!"
Jessie lifted her head, taking a moment to register what was going on. When the realization hit her, a cold panic swept over her and she immediately jerked back, withdrawing abruptly from you.
"Ah, fuck," you winced, your hand coming between your legs as you closed them and rolled onto your side, curling into yourself.
"Oh Jesus Christ," Jessie said in alarm as she rushed back to you, placing a hand on your back and leaning over you to try to catch your eye. "I'm so sorry. Y/N. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"
The tension from your face faded and your body tentatively relaxed in her arms. You exhaled.
"It's okay, Jess. It's fine. It was just too deep and it hurt when you pulled out like that," you explained.
"I'm so sorry," Jessie said, the emotion in her voice evident as she rest her head against yours and stroked your back, not sure what else to do. "I got carried away. I wasn't thinking."
"It's okay, baby," you said as you tiredly brought a hand up to her cheek. "You didn't mean to. I know that. I'm okay."
"Are you sure?" She asked worriedly as she pulled back and peered between your legs, looking for anything concerning. Though your skin was a bit red, there was nothing else of note. Still, she frowned deeply as she looked back up to you and kissed your shoulder in remorse.
"I'm sure," you said with a soft chuckle, coaxing her up to look at you. "It's alright, baby. I'm fine. You don't need to apologize," you assured her. Despite your words, guilt and worry still sat heavy in Jessie's chest.
You shifted onto your back to more fully embrace her, but the movement pulled a faint wince out of you that Jessie saw you try to suppress. Her eyebrows shot up in both trepidation and accusation and you immediately shook your head at her.
"It's fine!" You argued. You narrowed your eyes at her, "I just got fucked by a giant strap, I'm a bit tender, but I'm fine. You don't need to worry."
"I do worry," she responded immediately, eyes still scanning you for further injury or concern. You sighed and cupped her face with both hands, now speaking patiently.
"Baby. It's totally okay. We were trying something new. I knew it could be painful. We had a safe word ready and when I said it you stopped right away. That's all that matters."
"And I hurt you when I pulled out," Jessie added with a defeated frown. You rolled your eyes.
"Listen to my words...I am perfectly fine," you said as you made her hold your gaze. "You are very sweet to worry about me so much, but there's no need."
She released a silent huff as she continued to hold your gaze, studying your eyes now for any hint that you weren't being forthcoming. Still, her mouth fell further.
"What can I do to make it up to you?"
Your eyes fell shut as you laughed. "You are so dramatic. You don't need to atone."
She finally felt a hint of a smile tug at her lips and a breathy chuckle worked its way up her throat. "I think I do need to," she said.
"Hey, wait a minute," you said with a teasing smirk. "I'm the one with a bruised pussy and yet I'm the one making you feel better?"
Jessie blushed furiously, ducking her head slightly at the realization.
"I'm sorry," she said instinctively. The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them and she saw you readying a retort. She quickly spoke over you. "I'll run you a bath," she offered urgently.
"No, that's okay," you said, relaxing once more.
"Um, make you a snack?" She said with a hopeful smile.
"No, I'm not hungry," you said, your hand resting on the back of her neck and rubbing small circles at the base as she contemplated other options.
You could see she wasn't going to broach what you wanted at all, and you nudged her with your knee.
"I didn't exactly...finish," you said slowly. "I can't take a strap at all right now, but...," you trailed off. Jessie's brows were furrowed together as she listened and as you tapered off her eyes lit up again.
"Seriously?" She asked.
You chuckled. "Seriously."
"Fuck. Of course, baby. I'd love to take care of my girl," she said.
You kissed for a while, her wanting to give you more time. When you moaned into the kiss she dipped her head down and drew one of your nipples into her mouth, flicking it with her tongue as she gently suckled it. You arched into her mouth and she moaned in appreciation, her hand coming to the small of your back.
She switched breasts, taking her time as she teased it with her mouth and massaged your other with her hand. She smiled as your fingers ran through her hair.
She began to slowly trail soft, lingering kisses along your torso.
"I'm sorry I hurt you baby," she said before her tongue peeked out to tease your skin. "Let me make it better."
She stepped off the bed, stepping out of the harness and setting it aside. Returning, she gently pulled you back towards the edge of the bed.
"Are you okay there?" She asked as she got down onto her knees. You smirked and looked down your body at her.
"Very."
"Good," she said with a wink as she hooked your legs over her shoulders and began to lay feathery kisses up the inside of your thighs. Renewed goosebumps flared across your skin.
She'd already been down there earlier, but your core throbbed in need once more.
"My baby," she whispered as her kisses drew closer and closer until she began laying soft kisses along the outside of your lips.
Your back arched off the bed again and you inhaled in anticipation. Your jaw fell slack as you felt her tongue graze your folds.
"You okay?" She asked though she still laid open mouth kisses on you.
"Yes," you said breathlessly. "Keep going." You swallowed a moan as suddenly her tongue was firm up and down your folds before ending soft and fleeting. "Oh shit," you panted as your fingers gripped the sheets beneath you.
A gasp escaped you as her mouth latched onto your clit and she sucked gently while her tongue flicked teasingly across it. She smiled into you as your thighs flexed around her head and your heels dug into the back of her shoulders.
She released your clit and laid her tongue flat against you as she trailed downward until she began to very gently lap at your entrance, careful to not be too firm considering how tender you were. Even then, you could hear the wet sounds of her hungrily licking you up.
"Oh fuck," you whispered as you brought your hand to the side of her head, your thumb caressing her temple, feeling the movements of her jaw under your finger. As she began to tease your clit once more your fingers curled against her crown and she moaned in appreciation.
You could hear her breathing harder, and you glanced down to see her face redder than usual. You caught the rhythmic motions of her right shoulder. A smile slowly crossed your face and your core pulsed at the realization that she was touching herself as she ate you out.
"Fuck yes, baby," you moaned as you lifted your hips to meet her mouth more readily. She moaned in return and buried her face deeper into your pussy. "I want us to cum together," you said.
She let out a shuddering moan, muffled by your heat and you saw the movement of her shoulder quicken. Sounds of her rubbing her wetness now mingled with the sounds of her mouth devouring you.
You let out a strangled moan as your thighs locked around her head and you gripped her hair tightly in your fist. You felt your used muscles spasming as you came on her face.
Her arm movements were rapid as she humped her hand and soon she whimpered, hard and high into you as she came on her fingers.
It was several moments before your legs relaxed around her head and Jessie’s body grew slack, shoulders hunching as she leaned against the bed and caught her breath.
You felt a faint kiss on your knee before she lifted herself up to join you on the mattress, wrapping her arm around your waist.
“Thank you, baby,” you breathed as you pulled her closer to you. You gave her a sly look. “Give me a couple of days and we’ll try the strap again.”
#jessie fleming#jessie fleming x reader#woso x reader#woso imagine#canwnt x reader#woso smut#smut fic
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Heyo! So I happened to see your recent ask response regarding Zenos randomly, and, honestly, I'm kind of curious on what people miss about his character! I'm not a personal big fan of him(ngl he kind of creeped me out with his, projecting himself on the wol it felt like? Note I say that as a WHM main who plays as truly heroic WoL(s) most of the time admittedly, so most of his stuff made me go no? alot XD I don't mind people who do like him tho! They're cool!), but I'm interested in understanding him better if possible, cause I know I miss things that others don't and I don't think I've seen anyone explain his intricacies without being somewhat rude about it, but you explained what you did without coming off as that. So I'm kind of curious on that essay you almost wrote if you'd be alright writing it XD (Sorry for being on anon, I am, very shy qwq)
In case you’re not familiar with what this anon is asking about, this is in response to my answer to this ask HERE. Feel free to go read that one and come back!
So, I first want to say thank you for being brave enough to reach out to me about this, even on anon!! I’m really glad that you didn’t find my comments to be rude, as that is the very last thing that I would want! If anyone did find me too abrasive in my previous post above, then I wholeheartedly apologize for that. I would never want anyone to be afraid to reach out to me because I came off as rude at some point, so I appreciate you letting me know that you didn’t think I was. 💖
Alright, now let’s get to the topic at hand: Zenos, and why I truly think that he is the most misunderstood character in FFXIV.
Zenos: The Most Misunderstood Character in FFXIV
((I wrote way too much, so it’s under the cut.))
Alright, so let’s start with what I have seen as the popular take on Zenos that I see as wrong: A lot of players see Zenos as a one dimensional character that has no depth, and doesn’t have a character arc in which he grows as a character. They see him as the annoying antagonist who has a battle boner for the WoL and that’s it. They only see his bloodlust and nothing else. They don’t think there is anything else to him, and that’s where I must strongly disagree.
So, how is he not a one dimensional character? Well, that’s because he really is a complex character, but you need to be paying close attention to what Zenos is actually saying and what his actions are throughout the story.
One can piece together Zenos’ complexity purely from watching the cutscenes, but just in case anyone is curious about going into more depth on his backstory, then I highly recommend that you go read his side story from the Chronicles of Light book entitled “The Hunt Begins”. It shows how Zenos was raised, and it reinforces why he thinks the way that he does.
Without going into his backstory too much, for brevity's sake, Zenos is actually a prodigy, someone who was born with not only incredible strength, but also incredible intelligence, and you know what happens when gifted kids don't get enough of a challenge? Yup, they get easily bored. So keep that in mind as we move along. Now, mix that boredom with a good dose of Anhedonia, or the inability to experience pleasure or joy. Now we aren't sure if he was born with Anhedonia, or if he acquired it through some mental health condition, such as PTSD, depression, etc. I'm no psychologist whatsoever, so I'm not here to diagnose Zenos with any particular disorder, but it is clear that he suffers from the lack of feeling joy or pleasure in his life.
This is actually what characterizes Zenos the most when we first are introduced to him in 4.0; he is suffering from Anhedonia AND Ennui, which according to Webster's Dictionary, is not just a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction, but its a profound sense of boredom that arises from feeling jaded with one's life.
Zenos is suffering from a lack of joy and pleasure in his life, seeing the world as meaningless and dull, and he has found only one sole pleasure in all of it: The Hunt*. But what he means by The Hunt, is that he wants to fight the most challenging foes, challenging enough that he must put his all into the battle and be pushed to the brink of death. Only this kind of challenging battle will give him any sense of joy at all. For him at this point, there has been nothing else which has brought him joy, so he seeks out this sole pleasure.
And THAT is what Zenos' motivation is. He is not mindless in his pursuit of battle. His bloodlust stems from the desire to feel some kind of happiness at all, and unlike what some might think, not any foe will do. Zenos does not fight mindlessly against anyone at any time. That is not true. If an enemy is no threat to him, unless they purposely get in his way, he will not fight them.
This is true from the first time you see Zenos on the battlefield. At Rhalgr's Reach, Zenos sought out only the strongest fighters there, and two of them (Lyse and Y'shtola) got in his way first, and he defeated them easily. When he fights the WoL, the one who he has heard so much about, and definitely the strongest opponent among them, he becomes curious and hopes that we will give him what he wants. But in that first battle with him, he swats the WoL away like a fly, and they pose no challenge to him at all, to which he calls them "Pathetic", and then he immediately leaves, ultimately disappointed.
Note that Zenos had every opportunity to kill Lyse, Y’shtola, and the WoL if he wanted to, but he doesn’t. He leaves them alone after he defeats them. That’s not the sign of someone who is so sadistic that he’s only out for blood. The fact of the matter here is that Zenos is trying to feel something from battle, something that he has never experienced before: pure joy.
Zenos doesn’t experience this joy until he fights the WoL again several times; first he gets just a hint of it, a tiny spark, when the WoL breaks a piece of his helmet off, and he feels it even more later on when Zenos fights the WoL in the Ala Mhigan throne room. This is when Zenos goes into his monologue before he releases and takes over Shinryu, and note that the joy and pleasure he is describing seems to have a sexual tone to it, which I promise I have a point to make about that in a bit.
After the battle with Zenos as Shinryu, he finally feels the joy that he has never felt in his entire life, and because he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel anything like it ever again, Zenos takes his own life, happy to have played a bit part in the story of his “first friend”.
But as we know, Zenos doesn’t stay dead. He finds himself alive once more, and he has a singular goal: to feel that pure bliss, that overwhelming joy that he felt when he fought the WoL in the Royal Menagerie in Ala Mhigo. From ShB through EW, Zenos’ goal doesn’t change, but he does change in his understanding of what it means to have a “friend” and how he can feel happiness.
During EW, Zenos has several scenes where his understanding of his feelings seems to grow, and though that sexual tone to his descriptions of what he’s feeling towards his battle with the WoL is still there, I would argue that over time, it seems to have more and more of a romantic tone to it as well. And with this shift in his tone when describing his feelings, he also seems to question his understanding of it all.
Zenos’ character growth is the whole point of two very important scenes: the Scions and Jullus encountering Zenos in Garlemald while fighting the blasphemies, and later when Zenos goes to the Royal Menagerie alone. The first of these scenes reinforces the themes of EW with Zenos’ philosophy of life, but it is also the first time that someone says something that makes Zenos question his beliefs.
Alisaie’s words to Zenos hit him hard, and Zenos goes back to the Royal Menagerie, to the scene of where he had his one transcendent moment, his one time in his life when he felt joy, pleasure, and happiness. He realizes in this moment that, whatever you believe Zenos’ true feelings are for the WoL, which I personally argue that it is love that he feels for them, but regardless, Zenos cannot continue to be selfish and only think about his own wants and desires. He must act selflessly, and assist in the WoL’s battle against the Endsinger and stop the Final Days, in order for the WoL to give him what he wants in return. He finally realizes that it’s this give and take, this reciprocation between people, is the key to building bonds with others… Zenos finally learns what it is to be a “friend” to someone. After this moment, Zenos goes to Sharlayan to find a way to help out the WoL in their mission to save the star, and to finally be a friend to them.
And you know what that is? That’s growth. That’s having a character arc. That’s Zenos in all of his complexity. Which I still say that it’s perfectly fine to not like his character, but I only wish that people would not like him with a clear understanding of what he really is, and not what others think he is.
Alright, I think I have blabbed on long enough, but I hope that I have answered your question anon! If you need me to clarify anything further, please don’t hesitate to ask me! Thank you so much for your ask anon, and thank you to all who have read this! 💖
#asks and replies#anon asks#zenos galvus#zenos yae galvus#zenos viator galvus#I think I love this man too much#I could’ve written more but I realized how long it is already
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Regarding fictional disabilities: since there is no way to research a disability that doesn’t exist, how do you go about writing it in a way that makes it good rep and not offensive? For some context specific to my story, magic based abilities are biological rather than learnt and can manifest at any age, though if it develops at a young age it can cause development issues or brain injuries. One of my characters experienced this and developed a power that was psychological in nature, but because he was so young and couldn’t cope with the actual power, it left him with memory and intellectual problems. I was originally looking into stuff like dissociative amnesia or maybe even alzheimers but since the symptoms don’t fully line up I can’t just rely on it completely. My overall point here is that if resources for a fictional disability don’t exist, how can you write it while still taking into consideration real life disabilities? My bad if this is worded weirdly, I tried to keep it as specific as possible without delving into the full on details of the story and character. Have a nice day!:3
Hi!
First rule would be to not do harm. So not propagating misinformation or nonsense about the real life disabilities that the fictional one resembles (here that would probably be pediatric brain injury and/or intellectual disability). I don't think anyone expects realistic representation from a made up condition that they don't have but if you're deciding to associate it with one that's real, you have to be mindful of it. Even if it's a fictionalized version of a developmental disability you can't just go (example, not trying to insinuate you want to do that) "this character is an adult but is mentally 4 because of this fictional disorder that is made up and totally not close to anything IRL so it's ok to say", it would just look pretentious to pretend that it's something completely unrelated to a real disability if the character has symptoms that strongly align with one.
If your fictional condition is made of symptoms that exist in real life (but maybe not for the same reasons/don't really exist together) try to research them one by one. If he has memory problems, research how this specifically affects people with it - Alzheimer's comes with a myriad of other things that might give you an incorrect idea on how just that one symptom presents. For brain injuries, check what parts of the brain do what - damage to different parts might cause very different symptoms. You can read about this here in the context of strokes. Having an actual symptom list of things that your character has will be more helpful than thinking of it as "condition x if it was condition b/ condition c if it didn't have [major part]", even if that's how it's explained in-universe to help the other characters/readers get it - you as the author should know the ins and outs so that you can actually keep track of how your character functions and not have continuity errors.
It'd also be interesting to figure out what other symptoms this kind of scenario could cause that didn't happen to this one character (unless he's the only person this happened to). Developmental disability is a really big spectrum, and so are memory problems. I imagine that there would be other people more and less disabled than him who would have the same condition - this could affect how his is seen in-universe. Is he a very mild case, and not receiving the kind of support he needs because it's "not that bad"? Or is he on the severe end, and other people pity him and send condolences to his family? Think about the grander scheme of things.
I hope this helps,
mod Sasza
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Alright-y, so in case anyone missed it, we've recently gotten some information from Quackity that he's most likely doing some new project, that seems to involve multiple languages, once again. Kinda like QSMP?
Maybe EXACTLY like QSMP…????
Or maybe not
Basically, the way I see it, it is pretty likely that this is QSMP-Related, what with the images that he's been posting recently, with the GODDAMN EYE GUY
However, even if it is QSMP-related, there is something that would need to be addressed
And that's that it's incredibly unlikely we'd be getting QSMP back in the form we knew it as
Honestly, I don't really see many of the Admins returning, Egg or otherwise. Whether it's by their own choice, or the choice of the powers-that-be. And I think we all know that all the Admins, Egg or otherwise, were a huge part of what made QSMP special
In addition to that, there's also a chance that with that sort of outcome, a lot of the Creators wouldn't be coming back either. I could kinda see some of them not returning even if the Admins DO come back. I know a few of them had more sour experiences with QSMP than others did, and I couldn't really blame them for not wanting to give it another shot
So even if this is QSMP, there's a HIGH chance it won't be the same server we knew
But I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. After all, I'm pretty sure the Eggs weren't initially MEANT to be as big as they were, which means that there HAD to be some plans for other stuff at one point or another
Hopefully…
Now obviously this is ALLL just, as usual, ✧˚⊹SPECULATION~!⊹˚✧
I'm not a psychic, and I don't know jack-all about what's been going on behind the scenes regarding QSMP or anything Quackity-related. I'm just making educated guesses and reminding everyone to temper their expectations, and try not to be too disappointed if this isn't exactly what you were hoping for
Because even if it isn't, I think it could still be something pretty fun, and I'll probably at least give it a chance regardless of whatever it winds up being
(Except maybe Purgatory 3, because I think I had enough of those vibes during my recent Purgatory 1 Re-Watch)
…
(Oh who am I kidding I'd probably end up checking out Purgatory 3 at least once I have a problem okay???)
#Personally I'm not sure I could be as invested if certain creators didn't come back#Namely Philza#Do I think for sure he wouldn't return?#Idk#But he didn't show up for the finale for reasons unknown#And that kinda makes me think he isn't likely to join back up#Though I could very easily be wrong#Or have just missed whatever reasoning he gave for not being there#Not to mention a lot of the other creators had their own lore finales#That they'd have to essentially undercut if they wanted to return#And of course there's the treatment that a lot of the (specifically French) Creators got#Like I'm pretty sure Baghera was consistently having troubles for one reason or another#Whether it was because of fans#Or just certain stuff going on in the server#A lot of the other French Creators got a lot of harassment too#With I think Aypierre (or Antoine) leaving twitter just a couple days ago because of it#Not to say it was limited to JUST the French Creators#I know that there was a lot of vitriol for the Portuguese-speaking part of the fandom at one point and that SUCKED to see go down#I guess at the end of the day there's a lot of room for negativity#And there was a lot of negativity in general that could influence how things go from here#But there were some good things too#So I think we just need to make sure to acknowledge both the good and the bad moving forward#If there is a forward from here#Guess we'll see huh??#qsmp
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Voyeurism (Lawrence)
if i’ve gotten anything from this round of kinktober, it’s a real appreciation for lawrence. they might have gone up to my second favourite (sorry ren). also read the piano teacher.
day 27: voyeurism first person, from law’s pov.
I usually saw teenagers come into the forest.
The impulse was understandable. It was an easy place to hide from the prying eyes of society, after all, an easy place to get lost in. Covered by the canopy of branches and leaves, where any rustling can be mistaken for the skittish nature of woodland creatures, people could get away with an awful lot.
I usually saw teenagers. Rarely did I ever see adults.
But that's what I see tonight.
I was just leaving my alcove, my sanctuary of rot, when I saw a couple, a man and a woman (it was rarely anything else, in spite of what popular culture attempted to suggest), stomping through the brush, hand in hand.
Well, hand in wrist was a more approriate descriptor.
I kept still on my own, beaten path, pressing myself against a tree to hide even more, watching as the man dragged the woman deeper.
I don't believe that I witnessed a rape, despite the force of his grip.
I knew what those tended to look like, thanks to all of the edgy websites I visited as a teenager. I knew what so often preceeded the deaths that I was actually looking for, especially when the victim (nameless on some of the seedier sites, the ‘reputable’ ones tended to list who the person was) was a pretty, young woman surrounded by men.
Some people say those kinds of videos make you lose your sense of disgust and compassion for other people. And while I'm sure that was the case for many others, I don't think it was the case for me.
If anything, my outright disgust made me recognise those things more clearly when I saw them in real life.
And this wasn't disgusting.
The woman tried to pull from the man's tight grip, her legs trembling from the cold of the evening, but the coy murmurs of "no, come on, not here, let's go back to the care" indicated that she had opposition to fucking out in the open, and not to fucking in general.
"Not in the car," He said, pulling her deeper (close to where I kept my cages, it would be so inconvenient if they stumbled across them). "Your husband could find something there."
"So, I'll clean it," She replied, pulling back entirely. "I don't want to fuck in the forest. It’s not romantic. What if we do it in animal shit, or something?"
I barely held back a scoff, rolling my eyes with a barely audible huff instead.
It was probably quite naive of her to be concerned about dirt and filth (the natural things of this world, more natural than human beings, certainly), as opposed to any dangerous people who might be listening in on their conversation (like me, for example), but that's just what people were like, I found.
So many people prefered to think that they would be smart enough to avoid outright violence, that they would make the right decisions as opposed to anyone else who would be foolish enough to make the wrong ones, than understand the reality of pure, random acts of violence happening to anyone.
They were selfish, in that way.
"Why can't we go to a hotel?" She asked, holding herself tight. It was a cold night, she's right to.
"I can't afford a hotel this short notice," He murmured with a roll of his eyes, taking a step closer towards her. "And...I don't want to wait to get there, anyway. I want to fuck you now."
"Richard," She looked away, but I could tell that she appreciated his dirty talk, that she didn’t get it at home from her husband anymore, that ‘Richard’ made her feel special, sexy, wanted.
He sank down to his knees in front of her and pushed up her pencil skirt, the material bunching up around her thighs, as he kissed the front of her pantyhose.
If she didn't want to be on the ground, he would be, just for her.
She curled both hands into his hair and he pulled down her tights and panties, revealing a thick bush of pubic hair that he nestled his face against, like he was returning home.
I'm not aroused by any of this, even if my cock is reacting, twitching in my dirty sweatpants.
That was just the nature of being human. Bodily reactions that I couldn't control and didn't care for.
But just because I wasn't aroused, didn't mean that I wasn't interested in what was happening.
Sex was interesting, occasionally even very interesting, though I had next to no interest in doing it myself.
Thinking about sex made me feel hollow, like something had been carved out of me, like someone took a shovel and dug out all my insides. I know there's nothing in there, but I'm still too nervous to open myself up and check.
But watching it was something else entirely.
It was almost like watching those old videos, like watching death, gore, car accidents, or surgical procedures.
Red tongues grazing over wet, pink flesh, sopping holes being penetrated by fingers, tongues, hard cocks, over and over again. Kissing, touching, making love, fucking.
All so visceral and unclean, and yet, people craved it so much that it could drive them crazy.
Maybe they craved connection, more than anything.
People who didn’t connect tended to go crazy, after all.
She was moaning and gasping, loud enough for anyone else to hear her (if someone else but me was peeping on them), bucking her hips against his face and his probing tongue roughly, like a marionette without any strings to keep her stable. His hand was climbing up her inner thighs, carressing soft flesh, feeling her touch, feeling her.
I idly licked my lips, another pulse of involuntary arousal rushing to my cock, moving a little closer against the tree concealing me from the pair of lovers.
"Richard," She said sharply, looking in my direction (but not seeing me, nobody ever sees me and that's the way I like it.) "S-Stop it, I can hear something."
"Huh?" He breathed, pulling away from her wet cunt, his face glistening in the low light of the mood above him, and looking my way too. "Come on, it’s nothing. It was probably just a bunny rabbit or something."
It might have been, if I hadn't killed another one tonight.
"This place is creepy," She complained, but didn't stop him from returning to his task, nuzzling against her pubic hair again. "Feels like I'm being watched...mh."
"Don’t be so paranoid. Nobody’s watching you, but me.," He offered with a titter, before pressing his fingers inside of her and smoothing his tongue over her folds. "Mmmhh...but hey, maybe you like being watched. You’re wet enough that it feels that way."
I hoped they liked being watched.
For my sake, and for theirs.
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day 28, chapter 76:
At the expression on Quintus' face Cliopher could take no more. He started laughing before he made it out of the room, though the loudest whoops came after he'd reached the hallway. He did not get far along, just sank down at the top of the stairs so he could try to muffle his mirth with his hands. ~ "Your family seems somewhat perturbed," Rhodin observed after a few minutes.
and bonus gallery shot + musings under the cut because it's been exactly 4 weeks now:
fun to see what kinds of patterns intentionally or unintentionally crop up... or also which days i can tell i was busy vs which days i had time or worked in advance to dedicate more time to the piece. if anyone's curious, on average one of these might take me 2-3 hours to complete! more detailed ones like october 23 i think probably took me closer to 5 hours, simpler ones like october 9 maybe 1.5h.
i am both sad and glad it's almost over--i've definitely lost a fair amount of sleep trying to get these done in time (usually i work a day ahead so i can post at a reasonable time, but that hasn't always worked out, especially in the final stretch here), so this pace does become untenable on top of work, but it also is really fun to make so much art! and to always have something to work on rather than becoming trapped into that idea of 'what should i do, too many choices, can't decide..' the answer is always inktober!
in any case, seeing the gallery like this is also interesting to me because it really helps me realize where i could have/should have pushed the ink a bit more--working in ink is (to me; this is definitely not gospel, just how i consider ink work) an exercise in controlling contrast. you don't have colour to drive edges or cool/warm tones, so the only value you have is the light-dark contrast, and in my mind at least, good use of contrast should carry across to a smaller format. for example, zoomed out like this i can see that october 11th really needed more contrast in the feathers--they blend too much into the background in a way that doesn't really work to emphasize that ludvic is standing in front of the candles there. otoh, on october 5, i think that one's fine because what i wanted was for the moon to draw the eye first, and THEN for you to notice HR sitting there.
overall, also, i want to keep these interesting--if the compositions are always the same, then it can become repetitive or boring, so i wanted a good mix of light and dark compositions, and a good balance of tone across all of them. which so far i'm pleased with! and this year i let myself use pencil undersketches and do thumbnail planning and everything (last year i really wanted to get better at visualizing the piece in my head so i set the challenge of just committing straight to paper... i'm still happy with last year's but you can tell i took on much more challenging compositions this year lol)
anyway!! much to think about, so much to learn, i wanted to work a bit in advance again so i won't be putting tomorrow's up almost at midnight again but alas i think it was not meant to be, so i'm off to bed and if you read this whole thing, congrats, have a cookie *hands you a cookie*
#the hands of the emperor#hands of the emperor#cliopher mdang#rhodin an gaiange#hote#nine worlds#inktober24#inktober
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I'm kinda tired of dungeon meshi fans blatantly misinterpreting Kabru's goals, motivations, and character so they can ship him with Laios...like obviously it's awesome if you enjoy Laikabu but can you nooot twist Kabru's intentions for involving himself with the guy who constantly triggers his monster trauma and pisses him off so bad he gets brain damage so that he turns into "the guy who wants to suck Laios's dick" as his entire character? I've even seen people cut off Kabru's words to make it seem like he is admiring Laios because it would disrupt that narrative
#how can you think marcille hates laios and kabru wants to fuck him that's not.......canon.....#every time I see stuff of them it’s people being like 'oh kabru loves it so much when laios reminds him of his traumatic past'#be it his eyes/monsters/or the succubus thing 'he just HAS to fuck laios'#kui was noooooot intending for kabru to be lusting after that man!!!#i love laios but come ON why dont you actually care about KABRU tooooo#for l4bru to actually work one of them would have to suppress a big part of themselves and its ALWAYS on kabru it’s so insufferable#it's just like how some people misconstrued fem!toshiro blushing about laios to be her crushing on him when it was obv the same discomfort#but it made the microaggressions even worse because of the gender difference AS WELL as the culture difference#SIGH#i prommis ryoko kui did not create kabru so he can think about sucking laioss humungous donger all day fhsdkfhskjh#L4ikabu is the worst case I’ve seen of people twisting things for their ship because it’s literally just not true…#blatant misreading of the text goes crazy!!!!#like sure they're foils but what about the actual dynamic...w8 don't think about that actually cuz yoikes lol#obviously not threatening anyone who ships them please just stop saying it's canon oh my g#pwease actually read what kabru says he lays it out really clearly and has a super interesting backstory that drives his actions 🥲#i dont expect anyone to read this because im not using a tag but if u do then...🫢😯#i dont understand y ppl like it so much when laios ignores kabru so hard KABRU DESERVES BETTER#I’ve never felt like this about any ship before wow it just makes me 🫷
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Posting this by itself because :) I just feel like he should have gotten to wear the mech pilot suit at least once..
(my AU black version and the og green)
#Legend of Korra#Baatar Jr.#LoK#WIP#[ since this is from something silly I wanted to post this bit because he is serving very cunty#even if you know he's talking about accidentally ingesting caustic chemicals lol#this was def self indulgent but also why couldn't he have worn the suit at least once sobs#we had one chance#I don't actually think he uses the mech suit hardly ever even though he has his own personal one#but on rare occasions he does and gets in this outfit and Kuvira are you okay? Are you good? Has anyone checked on her?#I feel like this outfit is what causes her to take a serious sanity hit LOL#she just drags him away by the hood and no one sees them again for like 4 hours#or she's just like “You know what I think he could use my help :)” and proceeds to be everything but helpful#idk how anything in this regime gets done I swear#the most Baatar ever used the mech suits was when they were first being built#idk dude I love a man in a working uniform sobs#I knew someone would recognize the mech pilot suit hehe that made me smile because yeah :)))#it felt good to draw Baatar again sobs I love him so much I've missed him#I do kinda wish this sketch was cleaner but I wanted to at least post it now in case I never did lol#I should to a proper illust of him in the pilot suit one day just for the pure self indulgence of it all#give myself a lill treat you know? ]#Neon Ocean Art
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Honestly the roleplay blogs are stronger than I am because if I saw a post where people were saying my blog was annoying and calling me corny I would jump in a large pit and rot away
#I don't think I should tag this one#Okay I've typed my emotions out. For a more normal way to put it: While it makes sense to be upset#best move. I'm sure the blogs in question would be happier if you just told them about the roleplay guidelines than if you made a post#where multiple people call them annoying. Like can you imagine if someone said that about a writing blog#'So sick of x reader fics in the tag I don't want to see that and they're all so out of character' What a dick move.#It is a different case with rp blogs I'll give you that. But I think the principle of the matter stands#unless it doesn't and everything I said is stupid#original ramble below I was so mad for some reason. im not mad at anyone really. everyone is cool. love you guys#I get why people are unhappy that theyre clogging up the tags#like despiar dev said not to and people want to see content of despiar thyme not just ask blogs#I saw someone say they just blocked them and like. I get why. however. people do not know everything#but my brother in Christ you're not helping the matter!!!!!!!!1 send them a screenshot of what despiar dev said!!!!help other people!!!!!!!#just politely tell them instead of weirdly vague posting it helps everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe they just don't know#misspelling the tags so no one finds this post. I will actually be so pissed if people find this and r upset#Oh I'm sorry THIS is the post you're noticing? You have followed me for over six months and you haven't said anything about any other negat#negative feelings i've expressed. I see how it is#I wish the drdt confessions account was still open but whatever fucking whatever#sui mention#personal vent#whatever I guess
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thinking just a bit too hard about how the added depth given to tifa and aerith's friendship only increases the weight threatening to crush tifa after the forgotten capital, she already had so much to carry on her weary shoulders, she's going to have to carry even more when mideel happens, and it doesn't even stop after meteorfall, ohg od oh i love her so much i
#(sobbing and crying and snotting everywhere) AERITH GAVE HER SOMEONE TO CONFIDE IN ON SUCH A TUMULTUOUS JOURNEY#SOMEONE SHE COULD BE AS CLOSE TO FULLY RELAXED AS POSSIBLE#SOMEONE TO GOSSIP WITH OR SHARE HER CONCERNS OR JUST. BE A NORMAL GIRL WITH#YUFFIE'S THERE BUT SHE'S JUST A KID AND TIFA WOULD NEVER WANT TO HARM THE AIR OF CAREFREE CHILDISHNESS SHE MANAGES TO MAINTAIN EVEN IF#ITS BECAUSE YUFFIE IS HIDING THINGS THAT ARE CRUSHING HER#but poor tifa . gentle tifa. is now left to regret. to blame herself.#she has barret who acts like a father figure to her sure - but despite how much she cares about him and values her frienship with him#he's not aerith. he's not someone she can just gossip about first loves with. not someone she can fully Relate to. if you get what i mean#she is left to trace back the thread of how poor aerith got caught in this mess#she was the one to ask aerith to save marlene. but how did they get there? aerith refused to let cloud be a bystander in wall market#how did that happen? she made a risky choice that put her in a position where their paths crossed. why? because cloud was briefly lost#during the bombing mission. why did the bombing mission happen? she couldn't stop it. ETC ETC#NONE OF IT WAS HER FAULT... BUT SHE NEVER WANTED TO DRAG INNOCENT PEOPLE INTO THIS AT ANY SINGLE POINT#AND NOW SOMEONE WHO QUICKLY BECAME A CLOSE FRIEND IS GONE oh lord my heart#all of this added onto the things like how alone she was in nibelheim... it was just her and her dad for some years after the boys all left#and then the Incident happens and she loses that last person she had... and to an extent another she didn't even know was right there(cloud#god i could talk about her and how she has suffered more than jesus for ages (happy easter. lmao)#FF7 Rebirth spoilers#just in case?? for anyone who's only playing the remakes i guess. since this was basically already there the remakes just elaborate on it#i think about 'we found you!' 'i guess you did!' SO OFTEN#these two girls mean the world to me and i will not let you reduce them to love interest rivals#when tifa ran over to aerith's body i think everyone in the world heard my heart shattering into dust#these thoughts are a bit disjointed and don't articulate well what i mean but god. god. i am thinking about her today
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this might be a hot take... but if you care about disavowing media made by bad people out of fear of looking like a bad person yourself more than you care about actually doing good things... you might have your priorities (and your morals) screwed up a bit :/
(see my tags for more of my thoughts on this topic! please try to avoid making make bad-faith assumptions about what i mean!)
#melonposting#there is a good case for not wanting to associate with something on account of the creator being harmful. sure whatever#but people have talked at length about the sort of moral ocd that it promotes when that idea is fervently preached and enforced#i don't know about you but i think there's a big difference between#a) not wanting people to associate with something because the media itself spouts harmful rhetoric#and because its bigoted creator both benefits from people engaging with the books and is idolized by many of the books' fans#and b) not wanting people to vocally enjoy ANYTHING made by ANYONE who's held any harmful ideology at any point#because doing so 'inherently' supports and spreads those harmful ideologies#it's true that you cannot separate the art from the artist#but good people can make bad art and bad people can make good art. artistic talent is not inherently correlated with the artist's morals#the goodness/badness of a person CAN seep into the art they make. and it often does. and that can affect one's enjoyment of it#but even then there's nuance to be had on how to deal with it#like my hero academia for example. when i started watching it in middle school i didn't know how misogynistic it would be#of course i ended up seeing it in the show (and god it's so misogynistic)#and i ended up learning that the 'joke' sexual-harasser character is a self-insert for the creator#which of course i could never get behind. the creator is undeniably a horrible guy#at the same time though the show means a lot to me and i've gained a lot from watching it#i won't elaborate here on how but believe me it isn't superficial. if you want to ask me about it i'd be happy to share#i can hold both in my mind. the disgust and the enjoyment. i don't think those have to be mutually exclusive#of course not everyone is like that; you could immediately stop liking the show on discovering the gross stuff. and that's your prerogative#i don't know... i agree with the values behind avoiding media made by people known to have moral failings#and in some cases (like harry potter and jkr) i fully endorse the values and the practice. but such cases are very specific#but in most cases i fear the practice is misguided and unnuanced and ultimately unhelpful in fulfilling one's values#it is largely a philosophical matter: about how an individual regards their moral standing in the context of themselves and other people#which is important to discuss - especially in our globalized internet age! speaking of which feel free to disagree with me#if you want to have a civil discussion i'm more than open to it#but no matter how important this matter... there are way more important ones in the world. especially right now#calling out people who watch a youtuber who said something bigoted 5 years ago does little to stop that bigotry overall#just have good morals and practice them! support oppressed people! be thoughtful and understanding and compassionate!#callouts and dni lists rarely make for impactful advocacy!!!
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Ya know. I spent most of my life with horrible painful soul-crushing social anxiety.
And after about 25 years of continuous hard work, suddenly, people started pointing out - to my utter bafflement - that I had, in fact, achieved my lifelong dream of being charismatic. I'm 29 now; I feel comfortable in most social situations, and it is a very rare person whom I cannot make laugh.
I am, undoubtedly, finally, charismatic.
But do you know what I found?
I found that now that I have an understanding of which social rules serve which functions -- Now that I have an understanding of just how much damage my awkwardness was doing to people, well,
I found that, actually, my awkwardness never really hurt anyone at all. People were just judgmental dicks to me about it.
Now that I have the skill-level to (most of the time) creatively vocalize what is in my head as soon as I think it and without fear, I can confirm once and for all what I had always suspected:
I was worth talking to when I was quiet.
I was worth talking to when I was awkward, and when the words in my head took time and patience to hear, and when most of my jokes didn't land. I was worth talking to the whole time.
So I just... I hope that if you've ever wondered whether you are worth communicating with, the answer is yes. Absolutely yes. Each of us has a soul worth sharing - and if you and I were talking, I would happily wait for you to speak (or communicate in other ways) without condescending, and I would never shame you for that harmless awkwardness that so many people feel the need to violently stomp out.
You are worth talking to. You just are. And you deserve people who will speak to you with kindness, with patience, and with the basic immutable respect owed to all people.
(I talk about this with some frequency, both on tumblr and in real life. At some point, maybe I'll gather all my thoughts on the matter into one post. At some point, I wrote about my personal experience trying to build my social skill. But I felt the need to say at least a little bit tonight after seeing this other lovely post, and I'm glad I did. It will happen again.)
#original#social anxiety#autism#that one post#actually autistic#self-diagnosis is valid - in case that last tag implies otherwise to anyone. i think it just denotes i am an autistic and not just an ally.#social skills#socially awkward#socially anxious#autistic positivity#autism positivity#like actually genuinely who does it hurt if i tell a joke that doesn't land? esp if the joke is not about another person#this is not a live comedy show this is life ya gotta learn to say 'ah well they can't all be golden!'#which btw is a line i use when my own jokes don't land and it usually plays pretty well actually. i've got a higher hit rate but#genuinely they just can't all be good! anyway i go into that in the post linked at the end there i think#people can tell when you're not sure of yourself socially and a lot of folks instinctively use that against you. and i am here to say that#it's fucked up that they are doing that and they need to step off actually. imagine getting to decide on which social cues are#acceptable and then using that power to be unkind. fuckin gross. i regret so deeply each time in my life i have made that choice.#being a kid who is abused like that so often it was eager to power trip when i met kids more awkward than myself. but it was wrong#and i regret it. and i am proud to say i haven't done that in a long time and instead when i find myself with that power i try to say#actually what do YOU want? to the people shyer than me.#i'm pretty rad now is what i'm saying lol#like all the ways that having a good social stat has improved my life just made me realize what bullshit it is that this was necessary#doing what I did is not desirable or possible for everyone. they deserve just as much out of life as i do.#side note: i think I've actually surpassed a lot of neurotypicals who had never even had to think about social rules 🤣.#like I feel no competition with other people who have struggled socially but now that I'm more charming than people who were dicks to me#I do feel like fuck you!! I win!!!! I can finally see enough of the full picture to say that your arbitrary rules were FUCKING ARBITRARY#I'm also aware of the fact that not everyone finds me charismatic but i am. in all the ways that matter to me. and I'm still growing!#note to future jack: you did save these posts in your notes app on the day this was written.#tbh i am often still awkward i am just not sorry anymore if i'm not hurting ppl. 'confident and awkward' really throws 'em for a loop! XD
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kinda drives me up a wall when people go "hey i think x action in a war/combat scenario is inhumane and cruel and shitty" and someone responds with "oh but within the laws of war it's allowed or there's procedure for it etc etc". it doesn't have to be a war crime to be unforgivable man it's a shitty rulebook anyway
#like whether or not something's bad isn't determined by whether or not it adheres to arbitrary rules people made up and never obey#i thought we all knew that already. c'mon man. get a grip#obviously war crimes are bad but that's not where the badness potential ends y'know#this post is due to my dad talking about smth i sent him mentioning US troops firing on a bunch of guys in smth on deserters and he was lik#well they're not like citizens or refugees or deserters they're retreating enemy combattants. so it's different.#it IS different but isn't it still like. overly brutal? idk.#like would you want them to pursue Your ppl regardless? are they not allowed mercy just because you proved stronger? your positions could#be swapped easily and you'd think that as fellow combattants you would feel that deeply. idk maybe i'm just too soft or whatever but like.#seems stupid to me. war generally seems stupid to me but this specifically right now seems stupid to me#yes i know there are practical concerns and sacrifices in combat that make sense when you're actually there and me saying there should be n#wars and we should make it a fucking priority to not have wars doesn't mean ppl already in a decision-making role in the field should do#what i (an idealist) would do. they're responsible for minimizing loss and shit. whatever. doesn't mean it's not fucked up anyway.#and that's assuming the best case scenario for a leader in such a position. usually they just want to minimize Their side's losses. usually#by maximizing the other side's. or they just want to win and will sacrifice anyone for it if it's practical#which happens a Lot. usually it's a mix of the latter two to my understanding#as if americans' lives matter more than anyone else's and the other side doesn't have a right to mourn bc they offended us somehow#ugh that shit irks me so bad dude. there'll be like a terrorist attack in europe or smth and the news'll be like#ONE AMERICAN WAS KILLED. and twenty swiss. THE AMERICAN WAS VISITING FAMILY THERE ON SUNDAY MORNING WHEN TRAGEDY STRUCK etc etc#fucking hate that. i don't care if they're on 'my team' or whatever they're all equally human and equally dead#why the hell should i care if one of them was an american. just say 21 people died. like i get reporting on it briefly ig to like notify#ppl At Best but like. it's so grating. why can't you be normal about other people fucking goddamn you#why is this a controversial statement. why is giving a shit about people killing each other (often for like 10 ppl's financial gain) wrong#like. come on. i don't care if they 'deserve it' or whatever because i don't think they do. and even if they Did i don't think it's#America's Time To Step Up!!! every time smth like this happens (but only when it is financially beneficial to us to do so#such that we ignore atrocities all the fucking time bc it's inconvenient. we're not superheros. we're cops.)#not saying america shouldn't do anything bc like. idk. you screw everyone over to have all the power maybe you should use that influence fo#good. but my definition of 'good' is wayyyy way different from everybody who's ever held office here apparently so like. nuts to that#eugh. anyway im cutting myself off here rant over. for now
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person #1: "[character i really love] should die violently!"
me: okay, bye
person #2: "i love this character!"
person #2: "[other character i really love] should die violently!"
me:
#not important#chaotic rants#if i had a nickle for every time one of my non-villain favorites got bashed i'd...#i'd be rich honestly why the fuck does this keep happening to me#i feel like i've made this post before#anyways i dont want to get directly specific because i dont want this to show up in searches#but if anyone's wondering the characters are Sampo and Argenti from HSR#i love those two immensely#i also love Kafka WHO ALSO gets bashed a lot i've noticed :\#i think i'd be deeply uncomfortable with ANYONE wishing violent death on any character#it's a feeling i genuinely cannot relate to in the slightest despite having characters i dislike and dont really want to see#but it's especially distressing when it's my favorite characters#in case you're wondering this is why you'll never see me participate in direct character or ship bashing on my stuff#maybe i would have in the past but everyone is someone's favorite#and whenever im about to directly namedrop a character or ship that frustrates or annoys me i just kinda pause and go#'okay but what if someone who really likes this character/ship sees this and feels ashamed for their enjoyment?'#And Then I Don't Do It#not because anyone's making me but because the internet is a public space and frankly#there's already enough toxicity in the world#...i should post more character positivity and dress up/picrew stuff (and art but my art block's been severe lately)#maybe i'll build a queue in a bit if i can get my energy up#(if y'all are wondering why i have so many posts that are me complaining about fandom attitudes)#(it's 'cause spite gives me a temporary energy boost and i've been severely lacking in energy lately)#i -am- a bit hesitant because i know my takes on certain characters (particularly Dottore) are#insanely niche in a way i dont think anyone reading this before i've posted anything demonstrative of that fact will expect#and then i feel self conscious putting my niche stuff out there to be looked at#but! that's why i have custom character tags anyway i s'pose
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Okay but I need to be someone's beloved wifepet and belong to them completely and be able to pour my whole energy into just loving them. When will it be my turn!
#it won't be honestly#I do not think I will ever actually get to have that#I'm not pretty and I'm disabled in ways that both physically and mentally make me unappealing#so no one really wants anything real with me#especially JUST with me#and I'm *scared* of hurting someone with my craziness tbh#and I only trust like. 3 people at all rn and for various reasons none of those people and I are going to date#and in most of those cases I'm very relieved and in the other there's mixed feelings but mostly positive bc again. i don't want to hurt any1#but i still yearn for it#it's still an emotional need#and I hate that it just isn't ever going to be met#it actually hurts so so badly knowing it won't be met#but i also understand that some people just dont get that kind of happiness#some of us just don't get to be loved#some of us are too ugly and crippled and insane for people to *want* us#i just don't really... want to keep going knowing thay#I'll post it here in the tags bc no one i know reads this blog#(a few know about it but it's not like anyone ever checks it)#but I'm definitely ideating and at risk rn#and i feel pathetic that this is what's doing it#but im an emotionally gooey person and a physical touch person and I'd already been thinking relationships probably werent something i can#like. even do#but then there was a blowup with my ex and like. it was made clear that i can not safely engage with anyone#like emotionally or romantically or sexually#because I'll just hurt them.#like there are parts of me i would like to change but are such a core part of me that they will never change#and they will always hurt someone if we're together ling enough#so im just going to idk.#isolate now tbh#im just gonna cry so much and know i will NEVER have what i emotionally need out of life
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Thinking abt AITSF and the ownership of bodies
#Like my immediate first thought was about Date and [spoiler] and like. Damn. And I realize now the other character I wanna talk abt is also#Super spoiler heavy anyway spoilers for AITSF#Fuckin... it's saitos body but it's Date's body too. Is that fair though? Is Date isn't maliciously or even intentionally taking it Saito i#Literally the problem but like. Does that take away his right to his own body. He made a bad choice that he regrets and refuses to accept#Responsibility/accountability for but also like. That's his fucking body he was born in. And if u take into account the oxytocin thing. Man#Idk its just. He wanted to try rohans body but then he wants his own back. Despite the fact it probably made him miserable.#And dates just hanging out in there but his 'original' body is equally alien bc what the fuck man he's been Date for 6 years and this was#Date's fucking body bc. It just was god damn. So the question is if one of the two somehow deserves the body more. Which I think is#Obv a fucked up question but like. Yknow. You probably shouldn't lose the rights to ur body bc of being a bad person bc yknow human rights#Are human rights but also there's no malintent from date initially and he also Did Not Make The Choice so like. Who gets the body in the#Divorce. Anyway they're both Serial killers so like.#Anyway manaka.... in the warehouse... I could maybe contrast this by saying smthn abt date and Saito being two owners of one body while#Manaka is divorced from her own body. But idk. Manaka wasn't given a proper funeral for a long long time. Would she have wanted one?#Her body helped solve the case but. Damn. She doesn't have any wants bc she dead but still. I don't think anyone would want their body#Frozen like that for years. I think she'd at least want a grave her daughter and friends could visit. But she can't have that#Anyway fuck so sejima I wish he died in canon
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