#I feel extremely ugly and unlovable and mentally exhausted

[ohmuqueen]

.

[recoversuggestions]

hi. ive been struggling with depression, body dysmorphia, & anxiety (general & social) for about 5 years, and disassociation for about 3. im 18, a lesbian who's still trying to accept herself, and im extremely lonely and hate my job. my best friend & 2 other friends moved away for college, and i only have 1 friend left here but we never hang out. i hate my job bc of my mental stuff. it makes it extremely hard for me. on top of that, i don't have my driver license (again bc of my mental stuff)...

…i’m not really a good driver, and my parents are sick of it and keep telling me to find a job near my house bc they’re not going to drive me to work anymore, they always bitch at me and call me lazy. i never eat healthy anymore, i usually eat one meal a day and its usually junk food. i rarely drink water and i never exercise. i want to be healthy, but with my mental illnesses i just cant. even when i get 8-10 hours of sleep, i’m still exhausted. idk what to do. ive thought of suicide…

…but i just cant bring myself to actually do it even though i want to so badly. i hate my life and i feel like nothing matters. i always feel ugly, worthless, lazy, unhealthy, tired, lonely, and unloveable.

Hi anon. First of all, I just want to thank you for sending this message. It was extremely brave and I am so proud of you for asking for help. 

Do you take any medications? Have you seen a psychiatrist or a therapist?  If your insurance will cover it (and most do) you could try scheduling an appointment with them. That being said those appointments are sometimes scheduled so far out in advance and you’d have to wait awhile. I understand how it is to feel paralyzed and stuck by your mental illness even if you want to get better. It’s tough and I wish I could give you a big hug and help you in person. My advice if you are feeling suicidal daily and you are suffering is to go to the ER and go to the inpatient unit. It is scary and I have been there before but going inpatient helped me so much. You’ll get daily meals, drink plenty of water and have plenty of time to think and focus on yourself. You’ll also see a psychiatrist and a therapist and meet so many amazing people in your area. We are just a tumblr account and there is only so much advice and support we can give online. With you having friends so far away it sounds like you need to build that support up. If going inpatient is to scary for you (which for some it can be) visit the NAMI website and see if they have a local support group in your area. Are there any hospitals where you could enroll in a partial hospitalization? That is intensive therapy very similar to Inpatient where you don’t stay overnight. 

Please please stay strong, anon and message us again if you need anything. The fact that you messaged us shows me that you do want to get better. I believe in you. Don’t hesitate to reach out. Lots of love, Laila. - @lmisterk

[staringatthesky11]

50 “Not so Nice” OC or FR Asks

50 “Not so Nice” OC or FR Asks

I am bored and procrastinating, so I did this for my vampire Rosalie. Feel free to skip- it’s a lot of questions!

1. What is one word to shut them up?

Murderer. She absolutely believes that Royce and co deserved it, but she doesn’t like to think of herself in that way. 

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about?

I actually think Rosalie doesn’t really do guilt much. Plenty of other negative emotions, but not that one! She does feel guilty occasionally for taking out so much of her emotional storms on Emmett, although he has never resented it. 

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced?

Human- being raped and beaten to (almost) death.

Vampire - realising that there would never be a baby for her and Emmett

4. Describe their worst nightmare.

Being alone. Primarily losing Emmett, but also losing her Cullen family. She snaps and snarls and argues with all of them, but she is fiercely loyal to the family as a whole and loves and needs them all more than she wants to admit.

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear.

Surface level - something happening to her hair. It won’t grow back, you know!

Repressed level - that she is the least-liked member of her family

Deep dark fear - that she is as damaged, dirty, unlovable and worthless as the men made her feel on the night of her human death. This is why Edward’s initial rejection of her cut so deep and left a permanent scar in their relationship - not simply because she was offended, but because his rejection of her as an object of interest and desire played into this deepest fear and felt like confirmation to her.

6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick?

Edward rhapsodising over Bella, like they are the only two people to ever fall in love.

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves?

Rosalie’s overall beautiful perfection is both her favourite and most hated thing about herself. It’s gratifying to be the most beautiful thing in the world of course, but she also can’t quite shake the feeling that if she had been less beautiful then she would have had an ordinary human life, with the husband and babies she wanted. 

8. Do they have anything that triggers them?

No. There are things she dislikes, things she prefers not to think about, things she will avoid, but these are not triggers.

(Look, as someone who actually had PTSD and experienced flashbacks from being triggered, this casual overuse of it online makes me rage- I hate this question)

9. What is their greatest physical weakness?

She’ll do anything to protect her hair, lol.

10. What is their greatest mental weakness?

Refusing to admit to weakness. Rosalie would be a better person if she were more open to admitting fault or fear and allowing people to help her.

11. Do they have any vices?

She’s been known to deliberately flaunt herself to make men notice her - she likes to feel untouchable and in control.

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it?

Well, there was that whole murder spree...apart from that, mostly just the usual Cullen lies and shenanigans.

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them?

Pride - she embodies this one. With a side helping of lust, at least when it comes to Emmett, lol. 

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… )?

God yes, she’s emotionally exhausting.

15. Who do they hate the most?

It will always be Royce King

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior?

Edward! 

17. What sound always gives them a headache?

??

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them?

?? She’s a vampire.

19. Do they consider themselves ugly?

No. She has a realistic view of herself as being utterly exquisite.

20. Do they consider themselves unloveable?

She is desperately afraid that she is. Emmett has done more to soothe this fear than she would have thought possible.

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety?

She’s not an anxious person. 

22. Do they have any mental illnesses?

No.

23. Have they ever been assaulted/abused/raped?

Yeah, it’s the whole basis for her vampire experience.

24. Do they fear the possibility of being assaulted/abused/raped?

She did. But she’s strong enough as a vampire that someone would have to kill her to stop her fighting, and she’d rather die.

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust?

Royce, who was her fiancee - she genuinely thought, in her naive and romantic way, that she loved him. 

26. Have they ever been seriously injured?

Yeah, that whole raped and battered until she was going to die moment.

27. How many times have they been in the hospital?

Never

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them?

Rosalie hates insincerity with a passion. People who lie, or who pretend to be something that they’re not, disgust her.

29. Does what they cannot see scare them?

Ghosties and ghoulies and things that go bump in the night? No - she figures there’s not much out there that’s worse than she is.

30. Have they ever been bullied?

No. Honestly she was much more likely to be the bully in her human life.

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues?

Very deep down and hidden. To most of the world she seems to epitomise the idea of self confidence and self love.

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents?

I think Rosalie was daddy’s spoiled princess, and played up to that. I think she and her mother were not close; her mother was quite cold and unemotional, and very practical. Rosalie was not so much a beloved daughter as she was something to be managed and controlled and made to succeed in the ways her mother envisioned. 

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well?

Ha ha...Royce?

34. Have they ever self harmed?

No.

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be?

She wishes she could be more accepting of things and situations that can’t be changed. 

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them?

She has a will of iron, but there are times when her walls falls and the emotions get the best of her. 

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away?

Being a vampire has taken away some freedoms that Rosalie enjoyed as a human - just the ability to be part of the world, and that’s something she resents and struggles to accept.

38. Have they ever been imprisoned?

No.

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do?

No.

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems?

No. She blames other people for her problems. 

41. Do they get sick often?

No.

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life?

It’s the eternal struggle for Rosalie really - she has Emmett, she has her family, she has the freedom to go anywhere do a million things that she would never have been able to do as a human...but she’s a vampire. She’s a monster, frozen as what she is, never able to have the things that *really* matter to her.

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts?

Again, she will never be able to answer this question with any degree of certainty. If she changed her past then she might not be a vampire, but there would also be no Emmett, and that thought is abhorrent to her.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t?

Drive like a rally car driver - she can’t see the future like Alice or hear the cop’s thoughts like Edward can to avoid them, and Jasper is fed up with having to redo her license because she’s exceeded the points for speeding. 

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience?

Love for Emmett and frustration with the rest of the world.

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide?

Definitely thought about it when she first became a vampire.

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide?

No - she knew it wouldn’t work.

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill?

Not anymore.

49. If Rosalie was put into a situation where Emmett would die and she would live,  they’d rather die than live to see it through.

50. Create your own! - I wrote a lot of fanfic about her...there’s probably a good million words there that are about her/ relate to her/ involve her. 

[meganelizabether]

Mentally healthy May, pt.3

Take care of yourself

Chances are, if you have depression or an anxiety disorder, you probably don't take care of yourself. It's hard to say if poor self-care contributes to depression, or if it's a side effect of mental health issues. In my experience, though, poor self-care skills and depression are pretty inseparable.

Somewhere around the mid-point of what I call my building stage (learning to maintain a mental wellness equilibrium), I got curious about self-care. It was such a foreign concept to me that I actually spent a lot of time googling and pinning infographics. Turns out it's more complex than essential oil baths and sheet mask treatments--it impacts every area of your life. 

Learning to care for yourself is a life-long practice, but it's one we neuroatypical individuals absolutely cannot afford to ignore. For us, self-care means the difference between a fulfilling life and a life of pain and isolation.

Unfortunately, an infographic won’t solve all your problems; the hardest part about self-care is learning what you need to be well, and the only way to do that is through trial and error. That all sounds pretty exhausting to a depressed person, but trust me, it’ll be ok. You can take it slow, and you can take it one day at a time. There’s no benefit from rushing or taking on a ton of things at once; you reap all the benefits from simply trying.

In the beginning, this might mean getting out of bed and taking a shower, or putting on clothes and going to the store. Celebrate every little thing like you just won the friggin’ Olympic gold, because for a depressed or anxious person, it’s the same thing.

Go to the doctor, go to the dentist, find a way to exercise that doesn’t cause undue stress or anxiety. For me, that was yoga, but it could be something as simple as a daily walk. Eat mindfully, and take time to savor things (fruits and veggies are important too, but make sure to really taste what you eat). Take care of your body, and it will take care of you. 

If you can, find a therapist you trust. Many therapists offer patients without healthcare coverage a low-income flat fee. With the right therapy tools, even one visit a month can make a huge difference. I’ve hugely benefitted from cognitive behavioral therapy, because it marries theoretical and practical aspects in one convenient package.

Try medications until you find one you can live with. Sometimes therapy isn’t enough, and medications can make the difference between a functioning day, or a day hiding under the covers. Don’t get discouraged if a pill doesn’t solve everything. Medications are like bumper lanes in bowling—they keep you headed in the right general direction, but they don’t guarantee every time will be a strike. I was extremely fortunate that the first SSRI I tried began working immediately, and is working a year later. I still have bad days, but the main difference is how fast I can bounce back. I know my medication plays a big part in my resiliency.

Once you have some basic groundwork in place, you can take stock and see what is working and what isn’t. After a few months of therapy and medication, I decided I wanted to get out of the house and interact with the world. I wasn’t ready to deal with humans, however, so I volunteered with the county animal shelter. Working with the dogs that came through the shelter was incredibly gratifying—they were often sick, starving, or going out of their minds with anxiety, but for a few hours every week, I could make their lives better. I helped them adjust to their environment, fed them lots of treats, played with them, brushed and bathed them. They gave me love and gratitude back without any strings or complications.  

While it might seem counterintuitive, helping other creatures is a vital part of self-care. Humans evolved to be highly social, community-building animals, and altruism is a key component of our social construct. Even in the worst moments of my depression, helping someone else made me feel better. Whether I was babysitting for my friend and mother of two, training shelter dogs, or volunteering in the playroom of our local children’s hospital, I realized I got more out of the experiences than I gave. 

Depression makes us believe a series of incredibly damaging lies that come out of our darkest places, and one of those lies is that we are unlovable and a drain on the people we care about. Helping others gives that lie the middle finger—we are kind people, we are caring people; we are not worthless, and we can even give something of ourselves. We are THAT strong.

After all these months, I’ve decided self-care boils down to this: any task or activity that undermines the negative stories running through our minds. Voices telling you that you’re ugly and worthless? Get a haircut, buy a piece of clothing that makes you feel good, or take a long bath. Feeling like life has no meaning? Invest in relationships: spend time with friends, adopt a dog (or other animal of your choice), or join a book club. If social anxieties are in the mix, find a supportive online community that shares your interests. Make your own meaning, and laugh in depression’s ugly face. Listen to what the voices are telling you, and do the opposite, positive thing.  

[acceptlearngrow]

What a Wonderful World

When I was a little girl, my mother used to love to play “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong. Besides his voice being mesmerizing, the lyrics of the song always stood out to me as a reminder of how beautiful life is. It showed me that while life can sometimes be difficult, messy, and ugly, but it is also has moments so touching you cannot help but cry. A meaningful life is not one in which perfection and happiness is continuously apparent, it is instead continuing to live to the fullest even after hardship has struck. In life, you are not given the privilege of choosing what happens to you or your loved ones. However, you are given the ability to learn from the obstacles that challenge you. In order to lead a meaningful life, a person must understand how to learn, grow, and accept.  

Learning, while many imaging sitting at a desk in school, means much more than memorizing the state capitals. True learning is reaching out and connecting with others despite their differences, discovering ideas about the world others never thought possible, finding your self-worth even when it feels like you are nothing but an empty shell of a person. A meaningful life is full of curiosity about yourself, others, and the universe. Without the desire to investigate more about other people, relationships would never be formed. Love, in my opinion, goes with learning. Many of the people you love are in your life because you were willing to learn more about them. Creating bonds and feeling loved is something extremely important to the mental health of every person on this planet. I personally am someone who looks for validation within other people, while I realize this is not the most ideal way to gain self-confidence, I have always valued other’s opinions when making decisions in my life. My mental health has fluctuated throughout my entire life, as most peoples do, and that is partially due to not feeling worthy of the relationships I had or have. After going through a mentally exhausting break up, I felt as if nothing I did could make anyone love me, in my mind I was unlovable. How could someone who said they loved me suddenly fall out of love with me? While some time has passed since the experience, I still am relearning my self-worth and how to love myself, something that would not be possible without the help of my friends and family. Learning how to love yourself is also an idea that seems to become more difficult as technology advances. Seeing others lead the life you wish to live is often times depressing, therefore learning to love the life you have is vital to making it meaningful.  

Growing from a situation, no matter how unfortunate, is a skill that creates a happier and more well-rounded person. Growing and learning are intertwined into one another as you grow through the experiences you learn from. I believe this becomes easier as a person matures due to the fact they are able to see their current emotions and state of mind as temporary. Everyone will go through at least one tragic event during their lifetime. Whether it be a breakup, failing a class, or a loved one passing away, every human being will have to witness an unpleasant experience.  How a person reacts to a situation shows their maturity level, but what they do past that shows their growth.  Developing and improving yourself produces a much more content and accomplished person, thus they are able to have a positive outlook on life. Despite having to undergo unpleasant situations, being able to come out as a stronger person and possessing a new outlook on yourself makes for a meaningful life.  

Accepting that somethings in life will change and end as time goes on is critical to living a happy life. People change, just as all things, despite the fact you might not want them to change. One of the hardest lessons to learn in life is acceptance. People do not want to believe the situation they are in is truly happening so therefore they never learn and grow from the experience. Accepting the death of a loved one can be challenging, but once you are able to do that, life becomes much more meaningful. Death in general is an idea many people know about but are scared to accept. When I was ten years old, I remember sobbing to my mother over a family member I loved passing away. She looked down at my puffy eyes and told me to remember all the wonderful things he had done in his life and how happy he was with it because it gave him us. Acceptance is key to moving on, but that does not mean you ever forget about that person or event.  

A meaningful life can have varying definitions from person to person, but I believe it all comes down to feeling at peace when looking back at your life. On your death bed, if you feel pleased with all you have done and the achievements you accomplished then that is all you can ask for. Living life to the fullest by learning, growing, and accepting the obstacles that come with the journey of life is what will make it all worth it in the end. Everyone needs to remind themselves of a line in Louis Armstrong’s song everyday: “And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.”    

[manosmias]

SOMBRA A SOL: Pulling out the silla for your Shadow Self

(Disclaimer for non-bilingual friends: some words en español.)

Last night I had a dream that I had been given the diagnosis of being terminally ill and   given the option then and there to die by injection. I didn’t feel ill. I initially said yes, that I didn’t want to even begin to experience what dying slowly was like. It sounded like pain, even though I wasn’t feeling pain. Getting this injection would have just put me to sleep and cannonballed my alma right back into the sparkly fluidity of cosmos, flying free of the enredos of my human incarnation.

But right before they were going to do it, I panicked and told them to stop. I changed my mind. I said I wanted to live. I wanted to spend every last second with my family. If dying slowly, and maybe painfully, meant I could spend more time, having more carcajadas, giving more abrazos, then it was fine to die slow. No, ya no me piquen!

I woke up reflecting not on that sweet and easy realization at the end. I wanted to know what made me say yes initially, and what led me to feel comfortable with that for a while. I was wanting algo to end, something about being in this body to stop, that made me forget the beauty of it all for a second. This morning I’ve been sorting through it, and I think I have recognized lo que es.

The Shadow Self

It was, as Dexter would have called it, my “Dark Passenger”, the Id and Ego’s baby, the unconscious, the hooded Kermit, and what I like to call—the Shadow Self. For some of us, the Shadow Self is the part of us that tells us that some expressions and emotions (fear, heartbreak, mental exhaustion, fill in the blank), are not survivable. They’re too threatening, too heavy, we’re too weak, they’re too ugly, we’re losers, desgraciados.

I first learned about Shadow Work through Debbie Ford’s conversations with Michael Bernard Beckwith on his radio show, the Sound of Transformation, in early 2010. I remember taking notes furiously and wanting to absorb the information más profundo.  Our Shadow Self is this aspect of darkness found in us all. It’s kept, like its name, in the sombras of our whole being because it’s attached to shame. She shared that our Shadow Self is often feared, neglected, even actively pushed away because it requires for us to have the vulnerability to face it and bring it to light. That vulnerability, reasonably, hasn’t felt very protective for most of us throughout our lives, so we’d rather side step in in favor of keeping our Shadow Self away from the general public if we can. It’s possible that many of us haven’t yet discovered we have one, and that it’s manejando the car more often than we’d like to admit.

Debbie wrote: “It contains all the parts of ourselves that we have tried to hide or deny. It contains those dark aspects that we believe are not acceptable to our family, friends, and most important, ourselves. The dark side is stuffed deeply within our consciousness, hidden from ourselves and others. The message we get from this hidden place is simple: there is something wrong with me. I’m not okay. I’m not lovable. I’m not deserving. I’m not worthy.”

How the Shadow Self Appears

When our shadow appears, usually unexpectedly and around those we feel safest with or by ourselves, it can express itself in confusing ways. If we’re not conscious of what is happening, as it’s happening, it can be destructive to our relationships, our mental health, and to our potential for giving and receiving Love.

One way I’ve noticed it appear for me is as absolutes in my vocabulary and as labels. For example: “You ALWAYS prioritize other things over my needs”; “I’m NEVER able to follow through”. These words are judgments and evaluations that are inaccurate and make us or another person feel inadequate instantly. Really, they aren’t true. Really, they’re hurtful. Lastimanfeo.

We know it hurts to hear judgments made about us. We might speak up then, in defense of any given part of ourselves we want to preserve. But who is speaking up for us when our Shadow places Self-judgment on ourselves? Recently I called myself a Bitch. I’ve always fought to not label myself lazy. Being “huevona” is only the worst thing one can be has been the cultural and family imprint. I’ve had the urge to self-harm when I hear something inside calling me useless, unloved, ungrateful, better off gone. There is no one saying this to me. I repeat, no one is saying this to me but my Shadow Self. It fuels itself. It seeks reinforcement for these toxic affirmations, and it can easily get it when we’re slipping.

When these words are erupting, either causing us to implode or explode, they are usually paired with an inflection that gives it away and some kind of tense body language. Our body reacts as if there’s a finger pointed at our nariz. Noticing this signal can help us to see that we’ve retreated somewhere within and let our sombra take over for a bit. If this happens frequently in a partnership, it can begin to erode in subtle ways initially, and then larger and more stormy ones later. Similarly, and quizás more dangerously, if this happens frequently in our relationship with ourselves, it can chisel away at our capacity for resilience. We can feel like the  bad pecadores we were told not to be. That is why Shadow Work is so needed. 

Shadow Work is Hard AND Important  

Shadow Work to me feels like I’m diving into a puddle of lodo. But it can also feel extremely freeing and opening, if I’m aware I’m about to jump off, and if I’m aware that when I turn my sombra towards the sun, my eyes may want to close. I may want that injection to end it again because.. well, it isn’t a magnificent glowing light at first. It could be the absolutes or labels, or maybe we catch ourselves lying, or accusing, or deflecting,  gossiping, not living within integrity, not practicing our intentions. Our “sins”, our flaws and imperfections, our Shadow Selves are only as influencing as we help them to be, but we may need some guidance in reframing and redirecting, translating and  transforming, our sombras. This is where the tools at our disposal need to be considered, like maybe therapy or... maybe even.. therapy. The choice is ours.

I was struggling to remember this morning the ways in which Debbie, and Carl Jung who initiated understanding of Shadow Work, suggested integrating the Shadow Self. It isn’t so much about not making any evaluations about the Shadow at all, because those evaluations done self-compassionately can be useful, but rather looking at what it is here to teach us. We all have programming to rewire, layers to shed, cocoons to crack. We all must have to face the devil in the desert, so to speak, at one point or another. Some of us can take 40 days, some of us can take 40 years. Our sombras are trying to alert us, not destroy us.

Even if it sounds counterintuitive, the sombra a sol process wants to be a healing experience, because it wants us to experience the warmth of our verdadera verdad, yes our truest truth!, on our faces. Blockages have the ability to clear with this effort and integration. We don’t have to feel vergüenza in taking responsibility for our Shadow, it comes with helpful mensajes and further instructions about where we can grow, how we can grow, and where we have already grown.

Debbie writes: “Find the gifts of your shadow and you will finally revel in all the glory of your true self.”

So no, I don’t want the injection from having to feel the discomfort of growth, I don’t want to be saved from the struggle, I don’t believe that I’m too weak to take ownership of how I show up. I can work to translate the messaging of the Shadow, even in the moments when I want to hide, when I get urges to wallow, when I feel pulled to shove it down, jump over it, agree with it that I’m just too débil to continue. It isn’t an easy choice for some of us to continue. But choosing to live means committing to do the Shadow Work that needs to be done in order to be able to make that choice first, not second, more frequently and con ganas.

[lapoesiaerestu]

super long shadow work/stream-of-consciousness messy thing i did on the plane today to help me cope. it’s disorganized and really really personal. feel free to ignore. likes are fine to show support, but no reblogs. supportive comments or messages are appreciated <3

Identification -

at this moment in my life i recognize and identify the following negative emotions:

grief, anger, sadness, despair, loss, depression, self-loathing, confusion, hopelessness, hatred, heartache/heartbreak, pain (physical and emotional), anxiety, uneasiness, irrelevance, unimportant, worthless, used, foolish, destructive, unwanted, unlovable, ugly, uninteresting, undeserving, wrong.

i recognize and identify that these negative emotions cause these physical manifestations:

chest pains/tightness - specifically in the center of my sternum towards the bottom, nausea, churning stomach, tight throat, tears, lethargy/exhaustion, soreness, shortness of breath, jaw-clenching, tension headache, refusing food.

Accepting -

i allow myself to feel these emotions and let them flow through me with acceptance and without judgement. i understand that their inability to love me is not a reflection of my ability to be loved. i understand that i should not have to push or force things that are meant to come naturally. i understand that i should refuse to fight for or cling to someone who does not want me. i accept that falling in and out of love is a natural cycle of life and does not mean that it wasn’t true or pure. i accept these emotions and feelings without judgement and only seek to understand them as an attempt to move on/heal.

Meaning -

i understand that for the two years we were friends/together, we were what one another needed during that time. he needed proof that he could have a healthy/loving relationship after his traumas as well as support during a severe depression. i needed to feel loved and accepted for who i was after the severance of my relationship with my father as well as motivation to keep myself alive while dealing with a potentially fatal eating disorder. he also played a crucial role in me obtaining my career as a flight attendant. we were both a support system for each other during a time of extreme life transitions that could not be handled alone. we both needed sexual and emotional healing - thus the reason we as ace/aro’s still felt the desire and need to participate in sexual and romantic endeavors. i understand that we remained in contact After™ for the purpose of being support systems with the loss of our grandmothers.

Validations -

i am valid in being hurt by this. i am valid in needing time to mourn the loss of this relationship. i am valid in having hope that one day fate will bring us together again as friends. i am valid in feeling simultaneous anger and confusion at being abandoned so abruptly without explanation or goodbyes as well as i am valid in understanding and forgiving him for this anyway. i accept that, despite knowing i’m deserving of one, i may never get an explanation for this; his reasons were his own. i accept that i don’t have to understand it, but all is as it is meant to be. i accept that he is allowed to cut me out and forget me. i am valid and allowed to know that i would forgive him and welcome him back into my life without judgement should he come back to me. i am allowed to believe that day will come even if i accept that fact that it may not. i am valid in knowing i will always love him. i am allowed to reflect on our memories together with positive and happy nostalgia. i am allowed to be glad he was in my life. i am valid in not wishing him any ill will nor truly being angry. it is valid to keep nostalgic memorabilia from that time in our lives. i understand and accept that it may never come back. i accept that i’m allowed to grieve this fact. i understand that nearly every human being has been through this process and survived - i am not alone with what i am feeling. i am not the only one to have felt this. it is universally collective process. i will be okay.

Future -

i accept that we may have now out grown our need for each other and purpose in each other’s lives. i accept that this is a natural cycle of life. i understand that everything happens for a reason; we we’re fated to meet, to love, and to part. what has passed, has passed - and what will be, will be. i am valid and allowed to keep him in a special place in my heart. i understand that we were never unhealthy or manipulative and that this was an important step in each of our lives. i understand and accept that he was a necessary and happy chapter in my life, and that said chapter may be finished forever without revisiting save for fond memories. i understand what he added to my life’s purpose - many experiences ranging from joyous to devastating, but all needed. i understand that he will always hold the title of my t'hy'la. i accept that our love story will always be my greatest adventure.

Deeper, etc. -

i identify the source of the negative emotions at their surface being the sudden and complete loss of my best friend/t'hy'la. beyond that, i recognize that i am still grieving the loss of my paternal grandmother who raised me and was an integral part of my personality/morality development. i recognize that i have not yet properly mourned or accepted her passing.   i recognize that not being able to tell her my inner emotional distresses is hindering. even beyond this, i recognize that i was raised by an emotionally and verbally abusive and manipulative father, and i am still handling these traumas. i recognize my deep-seated fear of abandonment, especially from male figures, and that i am fighting with a lifetime of being told i am unlovable and unworthy and unimportant. i recognize that my eating disorder is part of my need for affection and attention due to both my father pointing out my faults (and pushing his own onto me), and feeling invisible to my mother. as well as a result of starting in the modeling industry during my developmental years and being told i had to look a certain way in order to get jobs. i recognize that being called ‘plus-sized’ at an average size as a pre-teen/teenager was detrimental to my body image. i recognize that my current job also puts a certain pressure/emphasis on looking good, being attractive, and thin. i realize that being told i was 'the prettiest girl in the world’ and being called simply by 'pretty girl’ from birth on made me feel that my looks were all i had/the most important and valuable part of me. i recognize that i was told i was not smart or good enough by most of my family regarding my academics - despite excelling in most areas including learning new languages and graduating college at 21. i strive for these success and perfection as a need for attention and validation that i am more and i am enough.

#PERSONAL #LIKE REALLY PERSONAL #AND LONG #ABUSE MENTIONS // #DISORDERED EATING MENTIONS // #SHADOW WORK #EMOTIONAL WORK #STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS #COPING MECHANISM #MENTAL ILLNESS MENTIONS // #UHHH #IDK WHAT ELSE TO TAG #I NORMALLY NEVER PUT THIS KIND OF STUFF OUT THERE #OR TELL ANYONE #BUT IT IS TOO MUCH TO BOTTLE UP AND I JUST #W/E THIS IS MY VENT BLOG SO I AM GONNA DO IT DANGIT