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gaemkyuu · 4 years

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The Recovery

Warnings: Recovery from a traumatic event, mood swings, vomiting A/N: Writing this part was therapeutic for me. In a way, this piece describes moments of what my life looked like for two years after an extremely traumatic event. I felt that maybe sharing my story this way, it could provide comfort to those who have been there or who are still there. It might even provide perspective to someone who knows a friend or family member going through something similar. Disclaimer: This is a FICITONAL writing piece on Charlie Gillespie. In no way do I claim or declare that Charlie’s portrayal is accurate to real life. I do however, own Teagan Valencia :)

Masterlist *now taking requests ;)

The Teagan Valencia Series: The Meeting / The Fight / The Proposal / The Present / The Recovery / The Future

*The song used in this piece was ‘Porcelain’ by Marianas Trench

The Recovery

Charlie was suddenly awakened by a sudden movement from the bed. Rolling over, he noticed the fading warmth, the sudden brightness of the ensuite light and the sounds of vomiting. He abruptly rose from the bed, threw on a hoodie and dashed over to help the poor girl emptying the contents of her stomach into the porcelain bowl. Charlie held her hair back and soothed her back, patting it at times, as she continued to vomit. As soon as she stopped and sat back slightly on her knees, Charlie put the lid down and flushed, opening the water bottle the girl had grabbed on her dash to the toilet.

“Same dream?” she nodded, rinsing her mouth with the water and spitting it back into the toilet. He glanced at the clock that sat above their bedroom window. 2am. Even though it was dark outside, the Vancouver city line still looked so beautiful.

You thought by now You'd have it figured out

She dry heaved and Charlie instinctively pulled her hair back again. When nothing came out, he flushed the toilet again and rubbed her back. Charlie noticed that the tears in her eyes were no longer due to the vomiting, but rather the girl was starting to cry. He sat against the open door and pulled her into his lap, as she curled into a ball.

You can't erase the way it pulls When seasons change

It had been three months since the incident. Three months of on-and-off personal leave. Three months of meetings with lawyers and court appearances. Three months of trauma therapy. Three months of being afraid to be alone. Three months of feeling insecure about herself. Three months of waking up from a dream that reminded her of the events that day.

“I’m right here. No one is going to hurt you” Charlie kissed her head softly and held onto her tightly, his own tears threatening to spill. He couldn’t bear to see you like this. It didn’t matter how many therapy sessions he accompanied her to, or how many times they’ve talked about what they could do to help her heal. Seeing her like this broke his heart.

He held her until her cries softened and eventually stopped. Escorting her to the bed, he tucked her in tightly, snuggling up to her. He kissed her forehead, examining her tired face.

“I’m sorry for waking you up, Char” she whispered, inching closer to him. She hid her face in the crook of his neck and took a deep-breath. Charlie smiled softly to himself, pulling her close, knowing that she was practicing a strategy she had learned from therapy.

It hurts sometimes To find where you begin

“Teags, there is nothing to be sorry for” he kissed the top of her head, wrapping his arms around her and rubbing her back. Her 5”1 frame fit his 5”8 perfectly like two puzzle pieces. The two lay there in silence for a moment or two, but Charlie knew he had to “address the situation” like they learned at her therapy sessions. “This is all a part of the recovery process Teags. Although it sucks, you can’t be mad at the way your body and mind are responding to the trauma”

“Thanks for the reminder Dr. Cheung” He grimaced at her sarcasm and cynicism.

But you are perfect porcelain

He pulled away from her to look at her eye to eye. Charlie thought that even when she was like this she was still the most amazing and beautiful woman he had ever met. She avoided eye contact, fiddling with the blanket. He kissed her nose, offering her a gentle smile. “Do you want to start or do you want me to start?”

She sighed heavily, but Charlie could feel that she was slightly annoyed with his persistence. It didn’t help that she moved to lie on her back to face away from him. She knew that Charlie was not going to let them sleep until they had this conversation, even though she knew she probably wouldn’t even go back to sleep. “Char, you have to get up early... Can’t this wait until the morning?”

“Okay, I will start” Charlie could feel her roll her eyes, but he persisted. “This is the third time this week that you’ve woken up due to a bad dream. After every dream, you’ve avoided talking about anything, insisting that we go back to sleep, even though you lay here pretending to sleep. I feel like there is a lot on your mind that you are harbouring. If you don’t find an outlet, it won’t help you heal.” She knew he was only trying to help, but she couldn’t help but feel angry with his attempts to help her...

Or was it that she was angry with herself?

The slow and simple melody Of tears you cannot keep from me It's alright if you don't know what you need

“Why are we still talking about this Charlie?!” it came out harsher than she intended to, a complete mood swing from her previous calm demeanour.

She felt Charlie flinch at her outburst. She wiped away the hot tears leaving her eyes. She immediately regretted her actions. She lost control.

Teagan hated that she was crying again. She felt like a stupid child who couldn’t control their emotions and simply move on. She knew that Charlie wasn’t the source of her anger and she knew that he didn’t deserve to be lashed at. Annoyed with herself, she sat up against their headboard and scratched her head furiously. Teagan angrily wiped her tears away, knowing what she wanted to say but not knowing how to say it. “Can’t we just drop it? I’m fine, everything’s fine!”

Charlie sighed deeply. He knew that Teagan didn’t mean to take out her emotions on him, but this hadn’t been the first time. Sometimes it made Charlie angry or upset, but he always brought himself back to the point that she didn’t mean it. What could Charlie expect of her? What happened to her would’ve messed anyone up! Heck, the therapy sessions weren’t only for Teagan... Her therapist would check up on him and give him the space to talk about how Teagan had been around him when they weren’t in the office. Sitting up to sit beside her, he wrapped an arm around her lower back and leaned his head on her shoulder. Something he always did when he needed comfort from her.

I'm right here when You need someone to see It's not speak or forever hold your peace

No words were exchanged for a while. Charlie’s head rested on her shoulder and she eventually rested her head on his, silent tears falling from her eyes, wetting his hair. He held her hand with his free one and rubbed soft circles on the back of her palm. ‘Sometimes you just have to wait until the other person is ready to talk’ these familiar words from Dr. Cheung rang through his mind as they sat there in the darkness, Charlie waiting for Teagan to start talking.

Teagan was always the strong type. She believed that everyone deserves a chance and that the world wasn’t as crappy as people thought it was. Charlie fell in love with her optimism and excitement for life. Teagan was the type of girl who hated hiking, but she would do it so she could see the beautiful view from the top of the mountain. She always believed in trying everything before deciding how she felt about it and Charlie loved this about her. Her compassion and empathy for others was uncommon, and everyone would always describe her this way. Every night before bed, Teagan would journal about what she did great that day, what she wanted to improve tomorrow and how she planned to do that. Charlie admired how intentional she was about each day and how committed she was to making the world a better place.

Her determination and conviction was so intense that Teagan was very hard on herself. It also didn’t help that her parents weren’t always the most optimistic. Charlie was sure they didn’t mean to hurt their daughter with their words, but he couldn’t help but notice how her excitement was sometimes snuffed by a comment her parents made. She would always tell him that they just thought differently and that one day they would understand, but he knew that it did bother her. He suspected that her determination was fueled by this upbringing, always being held to a higher standard because she was the oldest.

After being with her for three years, he knew that she didn’t always ask for help. He knew that she never wanted to bother anyone or admit to herself that she couldn’t do it alone. In their relationship, she had begun to start opening up more and reaching out to others for support, but after the incident, that changed. At first, Teagan was her usual self, just jumpy, but soon started to close off to others, returning to old habits. She went back to the mentality that whatever it was, if she just focused hard on it and worked hard at it, she could achieve it... But this time was different...

Teagan was focusing hard and working hard on healing, but she didn’t feel like it was working.

It's alright to take time And find where you've been

“Why am I not getting better Char?” the question came out in the quietest whisper. Charlie bit his tongue, knowing that if he stayed quiet a little longer, she would continue talking. “I’m doing everything that Dr. Cheung is saying. I’m doing everything that those self-help books and podcasts are saying. I’m doing everything that I can, but no matter what I do, it won’t go away” as she said this her voice rose but fell to a quiet whimper. “I’m trying so hard to get better but it doesn’t feel like anything is working!” Teagan felt herself tearing up again, but quickly blinked them away.

“Why are you rushing the process of healing?” Charlie’s question was simple but it made Teagan face some harsh truths that she wasn’t wanting to face. Teagan approached her trauma as if it were any other goal she had set for herself. Identify the goal and work to complete the goal. Charlie’s question was making her face the fact that this whole ordeal was out of her control and that it was going to take time. It also made her face the truth as to why she was trying to be systematic about the goal.

Charlie had been there every step of the way. She knew that he begged Kenny to work his filming schedule around her therapy sessions. She saw the way he yawned in the mornings after she had a rough night. There was only so much that movie magic could cover up and she felt guilty that her trauma was affecting him. He never had a single complaint and never got mad at her or took his frustrations out on her. The instagram comments didn’t help either as the fans noticed the weariness showing on Charlie’s normally bright face. She felt guilty for being a burden on him and she was desperately trying to get better so she wouldn’t be one.

“Because I don’t want you to leave me.”

You are perfect porcelain

Charlie snapped his head in her direction and in the moonlight, she could see his eyes wide as saucers. His mouth slightly agape and pure shock encompassed his body. He sat there in disbelief but quickly came to the realization as to what had been heavily weighing on Teagan’s chest.

“Do you feel guilty?” She bowed her head, more tears falling, but she shyly nodded her head. Charlie clicked his tongue in disappointment, not at Teagan but himself, for not realizing sooner what she had been struggling with. He moved to straddle her on his knees, his legs on either side of hers, and held her face in his hands, his own face inches away from hers. “Teagan Jillian Valencia. I will never leave you, do you understand me? I am doing this because I love you. I don’t care what I have to do but I will do whatever I can to support you.”

He kissed her forehead, nose and lips, searching her eyes for some sort of acknowledgement. He saw her hurt and her guilt for the first time, and knew that she didn’t quite believe what he was telling her. “Teags, I. Love. You. I would give up my entire career to move to the mountains and live the rest of my days there with you and our future kids. This? All of this? As much as I hate that this whole thing has been destroying you, if I had to do it again I would. Call me a simp, but I will do anything for you. Je t’aime Teagan. Il n’y a personne dans le monde pour moi, excepté you.”

When your heart releases You won't fall to pieces You'll let those old diseases lie And your breath comes crashing in

Teagan smiled for the first time that night at Charlie’s ‘simp’ comment, but she saw the sincerity in his eyes. It was the same look he held when they first met, when they fought and when he asked her to marry him. Charlie spoke through his eyes and all Teagan could see was love.

“Tu comprends? Je ne te laisserai jamais. Ever” Teagan nodded and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him tightly. He naturally reciprocated the hug and held her tightly, even when her grip loosened. He held both sides of her face and gave her the most passionate kiss he could muster, to which Teagan reciprocated. “I promise” he kissed her ring finger and engagement ring.

With everything going on, they couldn’t even discuss wedding plans. They were both so focused on moving past this hurdle, but Teagan realized that instead of trying to move past it, she just had to face it bit by bit, little by little. She had to admit to herself that no matter how much she wished the whole thing away, she couldn’t. She had to accept that it happened and that she can’t simply work on it like a regular goal. It was something that was going to be a part of her, where one day she would find peace and strength from it.

“Now, why don’t we cuddle and try to fall asleep?” she smiled sheepishly at him and nodded, “there’s the smile I love so much.” The both of them settled back into their bed, but this time Teagan rested her head on Charlie’s chest as he massaged her scalp, lulling her to sleep. Charlie could see that Teagan was slightly resisting the sleep befalling her, so he moved to gently massage the spot in between her eyebrows. It was an odd place to massage, but Teagan’s dad once shared that when she was little and had nightmares, this action would calm her down and put her back to bed. It worked without fail and Charlie kissed her head before settling himself into the pillow. Maybe tomorrow he would ask Savannah to come over with wedding catalogues and help Teagan start thinking about the wedding. As his tired eyes closed, he found comfort in knowing that tonight was a big step. Teagan opened up for the first time in a long time and he hoped that this was not a one time thing, but a beginning.

Like perfect porcelain

#charlie gillespie imagines #charlie gillespie fanfiction #charlie gillespie x reader #charlie gillespie #fanfiction #imagine #TeaganValenciaSeries

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corkcitylibraries · 3 years

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Cork in Verse | Ana Spehar interviews Jim Crickard

Cork in Verse is a series of interviews by Ana Spehar with Cork Poets. This week Ana interviews Jim Crickard.

Jim Crickard’s poetry is camp, entertaining work that explores culture, sexuality and identity with a hint of colour. In 2020 he was invited to represent Cork in the Cork-Coventry Twin City Exchange, which was moved online due to pandemic. In 2019 he was selected by Poetry Ireland for the inaugural Versify series and performed to a sold out show at Dublin Fringe Festival. He came second in the 2019 All Ireland Poetry Slam Final (and is working through his feelings about it with a therapist). In 2018, he won the Cuirt Spoken Word Platform and was awarded a slot to perform at Electric Picnic. In 2020 his poetry was broadcasted on RTE Arena. A poem he wrote was shortlisted in the 2018 O'Bheal International Five Words Competition, and his work has been published in Automatic Pilot, A New Ulster, and Contemporary Poetry.

When did you start writing?

I started writing when was 16. I had just come out of the closet, my older brother Shane (20) died the same year in a road traffic accident. Looking back, I think I needed space for expression. I started out with a journal before sleep. It was playful, private, and helped organise my thoughts. I’d draw a little picture at the end of each entry. I acted a bit like Virginia Woolf, with a high-neck collar, writing solemnly by candle light. When people write diaries, I think they secretly fantasise them being found and read by the masses.

When I was introduced to poetry in my Leaving Cert, I found it to be a bit stiff and flowery with poets like Keats, which had some appeal, but when we moved on to Adrienne Rich and Eavan Boland I was a lot more inspired. It was seeing people use the art form to represent women and give voice to minorities, and how they both textured their work with the confessional. I started writing my own poetry at the end of my journal entries but kept it secret. After a few years, and my first break-up, I started sharing online on a site called AllPoetry. It was great because there were little competitions between users and when I won a few of them I felt brave enough to share my work on Facebook. A few people were kind, but most were indifferent.

When I started going to O’Bheal in Cork, though, I really felt like writing could have a future for me. Writing and performing alongside other writers really makes it a lot more gratifying and instils the self-belief you need to keep going.

Could you tell us more about your creative process?

I’m always on the lookout for something to play with and tease out until it’s a poem. I write with the intention of making people laugh when they hear me perform. Unfortunately, ideas rarely happen when I’m walking around day-dreaming. I mostly need to sit down and write to find the idea or follow whatever I’ve got on my mind. One of my favourite poems that I’ve written takes a hen party in a gay bar and expands it into a series of images and scenarios that delight me and make me laugh. If it makes me laugh, then I trust that it’ll make a crowd of people laugh. I didn’t start out with that idea of the hen party though, I was trying to write a rather embarrassing romantic poem set in a gay bar, it was for a guy I was briefly dating. Suddenly there was a hen party in the corner. They abducted me with their willy-straws and novelty-glasses, and I followed their embarrassing moments and social faux-pas as they ran around, interloping and ruining the sacred queer-space. I was much more interested in them than the romantic poem I set out to write. I suppose it’s important to trust where the poem is going and let it reveal itself. If I ignored them and focused on the poem I was trying to write then I’d have missed out.

How does the creative process of writing affect your mood?

I’m elated when it comes together. I love when I get into a flow and my fingers are typing as fast as they can and what I’m writing is surprising me. That doesn’t always happen though, it can be slow and boring and the cursor can be blinking in front of me waiting for me to write something.

How often do you write? Do you write every day?

I wish I wrote every day. I’ve heard multiple sources say that that’s the best way to approach it, and I would definitely believe it. I have had periods where I wrote a new poem every week, possibly more than one. I have also had long periods of not expressing anything on the page. The latter feels depressing and I feel my life passing me by. It is this dread I feel that I’m losing precious time to grow and improve as a writer. I rationalise it by reminding myself that I need to work full-time, clean my apartment, cook dinner, which is all true. I also excuse myself by saying that I need to relax and watch some TV or listen to a podcast. I think that writing is the purest of me-time and I’d like to transform my relationship with it.

Can you tell us more about Venus Envy?

I have been known to dress in drag from time to time... I performed as Venus for Pride in O’Bheal. Afterwards I went to The Crane Lane with all of the poets. It was interesting being a drag queen out of context in another bar... People wanted to talk to me, some random stranger touched me as they passed by, and someone confided in me with something they had not mentioned before. There’s a strange power to being in drag. It’s like being a shaman, a eunuch, a jester, who is on the outside looking in. You can say things that you daren’t dream of otherwise, and people love you for it. If I had the time and money to do it more often I would. Drag will always have a special place in my heart, and on my right arm is a tattoo-portrait of Panti Bliss, the Queen of Ireland. I’ve thought about putting more drag queens beside her, but it would be like Mount Rushmore of Drag on my arm. Who knows, maybe I will.

‘Hen Party in The George’

Be careful around the corners, don’t make eye-contact at the bar,

watch out for the mom, she’s on safari, in search of exotic birds.

For a parrot to echo her punchlines,

or maybe a cockatoo,

she’s prowling around the cocktail lounge,

she’s looking for me and you.

The mother of the bride uses her lazy-eye

to her advantage,

she edges into a group of faces with meandering conversation.

Now blocking their exit, unsure

who she’s addressing,

on about her gay hairdresser, how great

he is with the scissors.

“I’ve never had a problem with the gays now myself” she says,

pausing to sip from a pink plastic penis,

pausing for praise.

And one by one, the gays fly south,

migrating to the bar,

to the dance floor, to South-Africa if necessary.

“Snobs” she calls em -

“them gays can be awful touchy.”

All her Christmases at once

when the black crow drag queen

stalking her long legs across the stage,

seven foot tall, in a silver crown of feathers refracting light off the disco-ball.

“Jesus” she says, stealing the

microphone: “you’re looking better than me”

“I should feckin hope so” the drag queen says “you’re twice me bleedin’ age!”

Slowly, slowly, the hen party has pissed off all of the George...

Abandoning punctured plastic husbands all over the stage.

Flashing so many cameras it feels like E.T.’s family has landed.

A gathering parliament of lesbians encircles the hens,

a murder of goth gays come down from their perch

I wonder if they’ve seen Hitchcock’s movie, ‘The Birds…’

by Jim Crickard

Sex in the Housing Crisis

We are the generation of born-again virgins

headboards disturb housemates on shift work,

Air-traffic controllers should be included in rent

to coordinate times to get the ride

Landlords can afford to support our sex-lives

and change carpets once in a while

We are the generation of born-again virgins

Like ships in the night, we work to survive,

but we are no thirty year old cargo boats…

anchored in the harbour, waiting for labour,

we are Ferrari red speed boats

with miles to go before we sleep,

miles to go before we sleep.

We are the generation of born again virgins

Nothing kills the mood like mildew

home-sense is built on the backs of millennials

fumigating probate houses

converted into one-beds

with constellations of mould

and half their salary paid

to make out on an old couch

facing a microwave

We are the generation of born again virgins

If you’re living with parents you can forget it

unless you can face breaking their trust

and explain condoms in the toilet-drain.

We must not forget about our parents sex-lives

afraid their carefully considered bed springs

will be heard by their thirty somethings

Let’s give the government hell for

this inter-generational dry spell!

by Jim Crickard

#corkcitylibraries #CorkInVerse #JimCrickard

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welcome-to-green-hills · 4 years

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Any Headcanons for movie Sonic?

😱 Head Canons?!😱

I have so many! Like... so many that I prolly won’t remember them all:

I think Sonic had to learn how to speak a new language when he came to Earth. I think that he can still speak in his native tongue, but also speak English.

Sonic LOVES piggy back rides. You can’t change my mind on this. He also likes to ride in a backpack as long as he can stick his head out.

Sonic does not know what a normal Earth hedgehog looks like. He thinks that cacti, hairbrushes, pin cushions and a pineapples are Earth hedgehogs.

Sonic has an assortment of costumes that he will wear around town. On top of that, he has names for every one of his alliances. For example, he has one called “Cherry Dude the Real Estate Agent.” Another one that he is “The Milkman,” who delivers milk and happens to be a doctor. This one he’s really proud of, he has one allias of a spoiled rich 20-something-year-old named “Jean Ralphio.”

Sonic loves eating slugs, chili dogs, donuts, fruits, veggies, bugs, dinosaur chicken nuggets, and golden sticks (French fries).

Sonic loves to doodle and draw pictures. He will leave his pieces of art all around the house and hang it on the fridge. Maddie has made it a habit to save every piece of art and Tom has a drawing of this on his desk at work.

He also has a composition notebook filled with doodle and a journal of what his life has been like so far since living with The Wachowskis.

Sonic loves flowers and puts them in his quills.

Sonic will collect random things around town. Why? Because why not? Sees a fork—thinks it’s a hairbrush. Sees a stop sign—a new poster for his room. Shiny blue rock thing that sparks electric energy—steals it and keeps it to give to Maddie on Mother’s Day. It’s very reminiscent of The Little Mermaid.

On top of collecting random stuff, if Sonic sees something odd and likes it, he’ll give it to Tom and Maddie as small gifts. He’ll put a bow on it and leave it on their bed.

Sonic LOVES to go shoe shopping. Any time Maddie and/or Tom mentions of shoes, Sonic will beg to go to the mall in Springvalley and go to the PUMA, Addidas, and Nike stores.

The first time going into a shoe store, Sonic cried over how beautiful it looked and with how many shoes he could wear and keep.

Sonic will wear clothes, just not pants. He claims all the time that his fur is “like the softest pair of pajamas that you’ll ever own.”

Sonic’s favorite breakfast foods are pancakes, cereal with spiders in it, fruits with donuts, and bacon.

He’s still afraid of humans. He’s afraid that the humans will turn him into the USA government one day, but he doesn’t talk about it. Tom and Maddie know that he has this fear of humans still, but they try to work with him more on not being afraid to engage with them.

Sonic does, actually, see a therapist.

As much as Sonic loves Donut Lord and Pretzel Lady, he’s afraid to get really close to them. He’s afraid that if he grows attached to them, he’ll have to leave and go to the Mushroom Planet. Tom and Maddie work with him on assuring him that it’s okay to be open with people and form connections.

He is friends with The President of the United States (The Rock), as well as Taylor Swift.

Sonic loves baseball. He’s the smallest on the team, but he’s the best batter that the team has had in years. Tom is the assistant coach to the team, Wade and Maddie help as volunteers.

Sonic has both ADHD and PTSD.

Sonic is best friends with Bigfoot. Whenever Sonic talks to Tom, Wade, JoJo, Maddie, and Rachel about Bigfoot—he claims his name is Harry—no one seems to believe him... not even Crazy Carl believes him.

Sonic will dance and sing to himself when he’s happy. He’ll dance in front of others, but he won’t sing.

I have a firm belief that he’s either 12-13. James Marsden said in an interview that Sonic was twelve and Jeff Fowler said in his interview that Sonic was thirteen. This is pretty much up for interpretation.

Sonic loves to go to work with both Tom and Maddie. He has made a calendar for himself in what days he can go to work for what parent.

Sonic will run around town and do errands for Tom and Maddie. He’s their little delivery boy.

Sonic is very conscious of being adopted. He knows that Tom and Maddie want him in his life, but the reality of the situation is still surreal and dream like to him. He wants to call them “mom and dad,” but he doesn’t know if it would seem appropriate.

Sonic is Jewish.

If you place your cellphone, laptop, tablet, or anything electronic based on top of Sonic’s head, Sonic is able to charge it.

Sonic sees JoJo more as a big sister than a cousin.

Sonic absolutely HATES it when people ask him if he speaks “animal.” Just because he lived in a forest for his whole life doesn’t mean that he knows how to talk to ALL types of animals. Just forest creatures and household pets.

As of now, before he notices them more, his main enemies are The Springvalley Sluggers, à squirrel in the backyard, and his other next door neighbor.

Sonic is the main reason why a majority of the traffic signs around town are missing. He loves them and uses them to decorate his Gremlin cave in the attic.

Sonic can purr... but it’s on a rare occasion.

Sonic loves coffee... but Tom and Maddie don’t give it to him a whole lot.

Tom and Maddie have several photos of Sonic on their cellphone.

Whenever Sonic travels, he brings a camera with him to take photos of stuff. Both Tom and Maddie have asked if he does it to document his travels. In a sense, he does, but with the spare rings that he has, he sends them to his island—from what he can remember of it—in hopes that Longclaw can see that he’s alright.

Sonic doesn’t remember much of his island anymore, but he remembers some details.

He’ll tell you, “no, I don’t remember them,” but he remembers fragments of his biological parents. All he remembers is a river, an ambush, Longclaw, and a basket.

Sonic is VERY protective of his family. Whenever someone pokes fun at them, even if it’s supposed to not be harmful, Sonic is the first to react and protect them.

Sonic will curl up next to Tom and Maddie and sleep on them when he’s tired. He feels protected and tells them both that they feel like his people. He feels safe with them.

Once a week on Friday’s, Tom, Wade, and Sonic go to elementary schools and talk about DARE with the kids. Sonic gets a huge kick out of being in the classroom with Donut Lord and Wade. He often sits in the group with the kids and listens to the two talk.

Sonic gets forehead kisses, head pats, ear rubs, and a kiss on his paws. Maddie will kiss his paw, put his glove back on, and say, “you have my heart in your paws. It’s there forever.” Tom just gives him a head rub and tell him that he loves him in his own special way.

I have a lot more, but this is what I could think of on the top of my head. If I remember them all I’ll reblog... if you’re all interested.😅

#mystery anon #off topic #sonic movie #why not?#hahahah

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tmntgirlie · 4 years

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Saviors in a Half Shell 3

Who knew what chamomile tea and a little honey could do to lighten the mood?

It took less than thirty minutes for the first yawn to come about. It was almost morning by then, about the time the four brothers normally got some sleep in the first place. Leo knew that some humans were night-owls, but they were few and far between. This one kept up.

After a silent but passionate discussion, it was Donatello that relinquished control of his bed for the night in favor of the suicidal human. He grumped quietly about how it should be Leo, thinking that it was his idea in the first place, but didn’t say that to his face. He didn’t dare.

Y/N was already half asleep when Leonardo led her to Donatello’s room. It was probably the least disturbing one, he figured, since there weren’t disturbing graphics on the wall (Mikey), too many bloody warriors (Raph). The reason he didn’t choose his own bed to give up remained a mystery.

“This is definitely going in the journal when I wake up,” Y/N mumbled, climbing up the bedframe. It was actually amusing to watch. She couldn’t have been much taller than five feet, and her legs were definitely not long for her height.

“Napped by mutant turtles? Yeah, I bet. You journal?” Leonardo chuckled quietly. He tried to help her up, but she instead smacked his hand away.

“No, but if I did, this would definitely be a good entry. Maybe I’ll start journaling,” she said through a yawn. She looked down at the bedding with a frown. “You guys really are somethin’.”

Leonardo bid her a quick ‘goodnight’ before he headed back to the living area. None of the others were even close to crashing. It would be a good time to explain the plan.

What little plans he had, anyway.

“Is she living with us now? I didn’t know we could just choose people off the street to come live with us- I would have picked years ago!”

“Mikey, you know April doesn’t think of you like that,” Raph sighed. Leo chuckled, knowing it was yet another time Mikey had to be reminded. “How long is she staying with us?”

Leonardo shrugged, taking his place back on the couch. “Not sure yet. I don’t want to risk her going out and trying something like that again. Thought having her here tonight would be our best bet, and see how it goes from here. She’s not moving in with us, Mikey.”

The orange-embellished turtle pouted.

“I know you want to help her, but what do you think we can do to help? We’re not therapists or psychiatrists, Leo, we’re turtles. Ninja turtles. I’m not sure that fits the bill,” Donatello said as he set his controller down on the table. “We’re way out of our element here.”

He couldn’t deny that his brother was right. They were out of their element. Fighting bad guys was a cinch compared to this. They knew the moves, they were calculated, they worked seamlessly as a team.

This? They’d have to get creative. Losing wasn’t an option. They were this far.

“Master told me that if she was willing enough to come without a fight, there’s something left in her that still wants to live. We can find a way to bring her back to the light somehow.” It was hard to deviate from the very words his father had spoken to him not long ago. There weren’t very many ways to put it otherwise. Bring her back into the light.

Raphael let out a sigh. “She kept talkin’ about how this must be a dream. What if she wakes up and freaks out? She’s in the freaking sewers with four mutant turtles.”

“We just have to bet that she will be okay. I know that none of us asked for this, but it’s our sworn duty to help the citizens of this city. That includes her. We need to find a way to help her.”

“Again, Leo, we’re not therapists. What are we going to do to help her? We don’t even know where to start!” Donatello waved his hands in the air. “We played games with her, we fed her, you gave her tea- what?”

“She’s not like a pet, Donnie,” Leonardo growled.

“Indeed she is not.”

All four brothers turned around to see their sensei walking towards them. At least two of them sighed, likely with relief that maybe he could shed some wisdom on them. That conversation could go round and round for hours at that rate.

“She is a human struggling with her place in the world, a battle against her own thoughts. From what I have witnessed, I believe she needs people in her corner. She needs people that will fight for her, show her the light, and show her that-”

“So she basically needs friends!” Mikey piped in. “That doesn’t seem too hard. We can do that!”

Raph groaned. “We don’t even know her last name. She doesn’t trust us.”

Splinter hummed. “She trusted you enough to talk to you all night. She did not run, she did not scream, did not faint. I might even say that she took the very idea of your existence better than April O’Neil. She trusted the food you gave her. She is even sleeping in a place she does not know. What does that tell you?”

Leonardo kept telling himself that it didn’t mean anything. She just thought this was all a dream anyway. Maybe it was minute to consider these points while they still had no idea what she was really thinking.

When no turtle had an answer, he continued.

“From what was said tonight, I believe her actions were an act of desperation. It is hard to see what can be when everything around you feels dark and you feel there is nowhere to turn. That there might be no light at the end of the tunnel. I know all of you have felt this way. How did you handle it?”

Donatello was the first to answer. “I trusted my brothers to be there for me. I knew they would be, they- you guys supported me, and I knew I could make it.”

“I ate lots of pizza,” Michelangelo said.

“I meditated. A lot,” Leonardo said, making a face at Mikey’s words. Pizza? Was there ever anything else on that guy’s mind?

“I threw myself into training,” Raphael said slowly. “Something I could measure. New personal bests, personal records.”

“All four of you found your own ways to cope with how you were feeling,” Splinter nodded. “Not only did you work to better yourself by yourself, you did so knowing that you had the support of your family.”

“Didn’t she say something about not being close to her family?” Donatello asked, looking back towards Leonardo.

“No dad, something bad about her mom, and… I don’t remember about her sister,” Leo said, scratching his head. He should have paid attention more.

“Something about hotshot accounting,” Mikey added. “The best kind of accounting, if you ask me.”

“You don’t even know what accounting is, stupid,” Raph snickered.

Leo was afraid the bickering that began between Raph and Mikey would never stop. It felt like an eternity before he finally smacked Mikey upside the head.

“Ow!”

“We’re having a conversation here!”

“You are all old enough to decide what is best. I’ve given you the information you need to make a decision on what comes next,” Splinter told them with a small smile. “I have no doubt you will do what is right.”

When the four brothers were left alone, they were left in silence. Not even Michelangelo said a word, which probably almost gave the other three a heart attack. He always had something to say.

Maybe he was growing up.

“So! I’ve decided that she’s living with us now-”

Nevermind on that.

“Dummy, she’s not living with us, she’s just being guarded by us for now,” Leonardo said, giving his youngest brother another wack on the head. “I think I know what we can do now.”

This was his decision. He chose to help this woman. It was his duty. His duty as the leader was to guide his brothers down the right path. With his father’s words in mind, he was almost confident in what he was about to say.

Almost.

“You’re right,” he said. “We’re not therapists. We’re not phsychia-or-whatevers. We’re turtles. But when we see someone in need, we can’t back down just because we’re scared. So here’s the plan.”

It was another hour before the brothers finally made it to bed. For Donatello, the couch. On his way, Leo poked his head into Donnie’s room to make sure everything was alright.

Y/N was sound asleep. She had wrapped the blanket around her what looked like many times like a tight burrito, leaving only her head and forearms out. It reminded him of when Michelangelo was little and would only sleep if the blanket covered 98% of him, leaving very few square inches of himself left out.

He held his breath.

She was still breathing.

He smiled silently to himself as he shut the door most of the way, leaving only a crack of space between it and the wall.

The plan would begin soon.

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt imagines #tmnt imagine #tmnt leatherhead #tmnt donnie #tmnt raph #tmnt mikey #tmnt x reader #leo x reader #reader insert #tmnt 2k14 #tmnt 2k16 #tmnt bayverse

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justacomedy-archived · 4 years

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@alexis-vaughn said: “I know if anyone hurt me, you’d never let them see another day. And I think I like that a little too much.” [Arthur]

She likes the thought that Arthur would murder someone if they hurt her. Something that he had never actually admitted to her aloud, yet she knows him well enough to have the knowledge that he would, in fact, murder anyone who touches a hair on her head. That if someone laid a finger on her or spoke anything foul to her, that he would hunt them down as if they were his prey and they would die some miserable death of his choosing. Perhaps he would cut their fingers off one by one for every touch they plant on her delicate skin, or maybe he would slit their throat and watch them gasp violently for air all for daring to insult the very woman who brings the only glimmer of light into his world of black and gray. He would let them bleed out on the floor and walk right over them just as they would to him. Just as they would doto her- because they are nothing and will never be anything. He looks over to her, his gaze dangerous at first but it quickly softens at the sight of her, the way her dark hair so perfectly dangles by her face in such a flawless way- to him, she was an angel on earth yet he didn’t even believe in any of that. God, angels, heaven- but that didn’t matter. “Do you think... I’m a bad person?” he asked. Has she actually read his journal entrees? He knew she paid more attention to him than any other therapist he’s ever seen, but he didn’t think she actually read his journal where he’s written down hundreds of dark thoughts. Dreams- he’s written about her. How beautiful she is. That he dreams of her. This makes him feel slightly uneasy as he wondered what could have been going through her mind as she read the words sloppily written on the tattered pages of the worn journal, but at the same time he felt a sense of excitement. She paid more attention to him than he could ever imagined and she’s admitting that she likes that he would kill for her- a bold admittance. Arthur doesn’t feel like much of anything- he feels like a failure. A loser drowning in a society of elites who would shove his body into a sewage drain rather than giving him a proper burial if he had died. But knowing this now, he felt like somebody. He’s not sure who or what, but he suddenly feels as if he has a purpose. That he must uphold this to her- that if anyone hurts her, he will follow through and kill them. He wouldn’t regret it. “I don’t want anyone to ever hurt you- I care about you.” His heart beat heavily in his chest as he spoke, a bundle of nerves unraveling in his stomach from admitting that he cares for her- he’s fearful that she would turn around and run away screaming. He knows he shouldn’t care for her like this; she’s his therapist, but even Arthur notices the way her eyes linger on his much longer than anyone else’s ever has. The way her eyes light up when she smiles when he makes her laugh- it was different. And he felt different too- his palms always becoming sweaty around her. An unfamiliar sense of nervousness that wasn’t like a normal feeling of unease- no- this was more of a giddy nervousness. One depicted in cheesy romance movies when a boy asks a girl out on their very first date. Though he’d never be brave enough to do that- not yet at least. For now, he only fantasizes about her.

#alexis-vaughn #tw murder #tw graphic imagery #I had to answer this one tonight omg #He'd do anything for her

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charlottemadison42 · 5 years

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On Good Omens and Faith

Here follow personal thoughts on what Good Omens has meant to me as an Exvangelical. There’s a lot of healing & hope here, but it gets a bit dark first, as worthy stories do.

CW: I wasn’t badly spiritually abused in church, but I’ll be discussing things that are spiritually abusive: purity culture, sexphobia, queerphobia, abortion, mild self-harm, failure to treat mental health appropriately, ableism -- plus the special ways church authority makes all of these especially hard.

I’m personally an atheist but this message is not an argument against faith itself, rather against the specific subculture I grew up in. If you are a person of faith you’re welcome here.

I grew up in the American Evangelical subculture of the 80′s and 90′s, in the Keith Green/DC Talk/Left Behind/Veggie Tales era. I got saved at a Carman concert in sixth grade, and re-pledged my faith just to be extra sure every year at summer camp and youth group retreats.

This upbringing is not unusual. Doesn’t make me special. But its effects were real.

I’m finally engaged in a reckoning with it, in the “I should maybe talk this over with a support group or therapist” sense. I was a worship leader and youth leader at a Vineyard church when I left my faith abruptly in 2007*. It took me ten years to tell my family and friends that I was an atheist. For that decade I didn’t think about it -- but when I confessed to my loved ones two years ago, the processing began in earnest.

If you came up Evangelical, you already know how literal our belief in angels and demons can be in certain strains of the church. Until I was 26, I believed they were real entities genuinely and invisibly at war all around me. The End Times were real and we were in them. The Antichrist was whatever high profile democrat could be weaponized at the moment, the Rapture was nigh, and Armageddon was imminent (which explained why tension kept building in the Middle East).

My church community regularly discussed friends and neighbors’ problems in the language of demon possession or harrassment: depression was a demon, addiction was a demon, promiscuity was a demon. I was part of casual and formal exorcisms and the occasional healing. No holy water, but there were hours of fervent prayers and tears, speaking in tongues and anointing with oil. It’s like a fever dream looking back at it now.**

Shout out to my other teens and tweens of the Frank Peretti era, forbidden from reading books of fantasy any later than Lewis or Tolkein -- Xanth was forbidden, Hogwarts was demonic. We were given instead (retrospectively) horrifying books about spiritual warfare, Christian takes on historical fiction, and end times fantasies. But they weren’t sold as fantasy to us, it was all real. Adults in positions of power confirmed it over and over. Narnia might be allegory but This Present Darkness supposedly illustrated spiritual truths.

I remember telling a trusted church teacher at age 10 or 11 that sometimes I would get scared at night, in the dark, and feel a palpable terror that kept me awake. They told me with no hint of comfort, “That means a demon is visiting you and sitting on your chest, trying to oppress you with fear so you will sin. Don’t wake your parents or read a book, instead you should pray or read only the Bible until the demon is compelled to leave, either by an angel or the presence of God.” This adult was affirmed by amens and mm-hmms.

I took this teaching to heart. I also understood, by implication, that if the bad feeling stayed with me then I was praying wrong -- that no angel would rescue me that night. I knew that my fear as it compounded in the dark was itself a sin that made God harder for me to reach.

These are not things that should be told to children.

Then there were the prophecies. (read more if this resonates with you, if not I’ll clip it here so I don’t take up your whole screen)

Anyone could prophesy in most churches I attended. Dreams were prophecies, visions were prophecies, vague feelings were prophecies. (That gave nightmares / being hormonal / being really hungry an awful lot of sway at Bible study.)

I had a woman prophesy over me weeping, with her hands buried in my hair, that she felt overwhelming grief for my future child. I was 23.

I have no child, and I harbored the secret at the time was that I didn’t want one -- a rebellion for me as a married woman. I feared she was prophesying an abortion in my future, and I was inconsolable for months at the damning choice that would visit me someday. (As of this writing at age 38 I’ve never been pregnant, for which I give all thanks to modern birth control.) I still wonder what happened to that woman’s child, or pregnancy, or perhaps her desire for a child, that this was her prophecy for me.

I heard much darker things prophesied over other people. I remember career changes (ill-advised) and marriages staying together (they shouldn’t have) and mission trips undertaken (that assuredly should not have been) because of prophesies.

Last, of course, I didn’t know it yet but I had many queer friends at the time. Some of them didn’t know it. We had no context in our small town -- and no corners of the internet to hide in and learn context, because the internet didn’t do much more than access our local library catalog at the time. I was told that demons sat on my chest to oppress me as a child, but I was shielded from understanding what a lesbian actually was until I was sixteen.

I remember feeling vaguely guilty when we prayed over this or that person in youth group, entreating God that they could resist their base urges. We prayed that they could choose a life of abstinence if they had to, rather than enter sexual sin and be cast out. I felt guilty but I still joined the circle to pray.

I’m sorry. I was wrong. Part of me knew it at the time. I wish I had listened to that part of me because that it was correct. There are fragments of my former faith I still treasure, but those prayers were rotten to the core.

Sidebar: Luckily that feeling of guilt bloomed quickly into rejecting queerphobic doctrine. By age 20 I decided I could only attend churches that did not preach homophobic takes on scripture from the pulpit, and that did not advocate/imply advocacy for any particular political party. The reason I mention this: if YOU are currently a person of faith in this position, uncomfortable with what you hear from your leadership, go find a church that’s queer-affirming, gives to the poor, and advocates for immigrants. Live in a conservative area? Create or join a home church. That’s what the early church looked like anyway. Don’t shrug off this responsibility. Shine a light.

Anyway. Several years later, I fell.

I had to step down from multiple church leadership positions in one day. My entire life changed in two months; marriage, job, home, friends, everything uprooted when I could no longer pretend to believe. I didn’t tell my family why everything fell apart, even as they let me crash their couches.

I had wanted to be a good believer. I read apologetics, the mystics, eschatology, theophostics. I taught and attended study groups, I took troubled teens out to coffee, I served the homeless, I waited til marriage. I was in church as many as thirty hours weekly. When I first felt my faith slipping I said “not yet,” and I read the entire Bible straight through twice, in different translations, while journaling through “My Utmost for His Highest.” Then, unsatisfied, I read and annotated the New Testament in interlinear Greek. I gave it my everything.

What could replace all that?

Time, it turns out. And freedom.

Freedom to not think about it was perhaps the kindest freedom. The constant labor of self-evaluation and thought policing that goes into Evangelical Christianity is exhausting. Letting it go of it felt like getting my mind back. Or owning it for the first time, since I never knew this freedom before. I had even been seeking counseling because I was hearing multiple voices in my head at once, all mine, often arguing. That problem vanished the hour I deconverted. I heard only one voice anymore, and it was my own.

For ten years I was free to just not think about it.

When I decided to remarry I realized that I didn’t want to explain to anyone why my ceremony would not include prayers or communion. So I told my loved ones at last that I was an atheist, a decade late. They received it graciously, and I’m sure they had known-but-not-acknowledged it for a long time. I hope they don’t worry about me or pray behind my back for my salvation. But if they do I can’t accept responsibility for it anymore.

Since that confession I’ve finally felt compelled to back at what all actually happened in church. It seemed so normal to me at the time. But wait, it wasn’t:

I exorcised people. I laid on hands for healings. I encouraged episodes of religious rapture, falling out, and speaking in tongues, and as a worship leader I knew the music cues to bring them about (yes, there are certain chord and tempo changes for that). I was present for prophecies that changed people’s lives and might have issued some myself, I don’t remember. I alienated people who didn’t fit in, whether because they were queer or just because they didn’t conform to church culture. I witnessed abuse and had no language to report it or even comprehend it. I hurt people. I was hurt.

I was told there were real demons in my room and I had to pray them away all by myself.

The work of undoing this mindf*ck (sorry friends of faith, that’s how it felt) suddenly turned urgent after being ignored for a decade. I can’t afford therapy, but thankfully Twitter chats and message boards and podcasts exist (thank you, @goodchristianfun and @exvangelical).

And then -- out of the blue -- along came my own personal angel and demon, along with Frances McDormand herself. I watched it on a whim. (Actually no, David Tennant’s hair made me.)

Apparently Good Omens had a few things to say directly to my mindf*cked subconscious:

1) Are you scared of demons in a pathological childhood trauma way? Here, have a helping of this amalgam of your favorite Doctor and scariest ever Marvel villain tearing it up as the demon Crowley.

2) Does your mild bookish personality and respect for the culture you grew up in keep you reflexively deferential to authority, even as it gaslights you and hurts others? Enjoy some Michael Sheen as the angel Aziraphale.

3) Are you stuck still mentally assigning a male gender to the god you always claimed was beyond gender? Boom, meet Her in all Her ineffable wisdom.

4) Are you terrified of the End Times, both as a Biblical horror of childhood and as an adult who reads the f*cking news? Let’s fantasize awhile about a solvable apocalypse (because what would that even look like, yo).

5) Do you keep reflexively binarizing good and evil? Still giving in to the temptation to characterize humans as righteous or fallen, especially celebrities and political prospects? Spend some time on Our Side with Adam, the utterly human Antichrist, as he makes choices that matter -- some goodish, some baddish, all with mixed consequences, because that’s what humans do.

6) Do you need more queer love stories in your life? Yes you do. Yes. YES. Here it is. The good stuff. Whether it’s gay, trans, genderfluid, asexual, agender, metaphysical, whatever (I’m enjoying reading all these takes and more on AO3) it’s a hell of a love story.

Good Omens was a f*cking revelation.

I’m not sure why the show hit me as hard as it did in the Exvangelical feels. It’s not that it’s a perfect show, but it was the right thing at the right time for me, and it brought a truck full of dynamite to the excavation I was just beginning with a trowel and a makeup brush. I finished watching ep 6 and thought “why do I feel like I’ll be thinking about this every single day for years?”

And then I looked down, and lo and behold I had an open chest wound -- inside of which I found the banished memory of a child trembling and praying in terror in a dark room.

There was a lot that I forgot about in the ten years it took me to hike away from Evangelical life. It all came rushing back.

I had forgotten the sweat and cries during exorcisms and the heat of laying on of hands. I had forgotten fits of ecstatic tears of self-hatred and self-denial so strong they were almost blissful, as I sang and chanted mantras like “I am nothing, You are everything.” I had forgotten giving away ten percent of my income until I was 26. I had forgotten the constant mental effort of Being A Proverbs 31 Woman, about submission and complementarianism and feeling responsible to guard the virtue of men by never tempting them. I had forgotten the pressure to not even masturbate before marriage and to become a sexual athlete the night after.

I had forgotten the hours and hours of daily prayers. Every phrase was carefully carved in language my superego ran by my doctrine, to make sure no hint of rebellion ever bled through. I washed words of need and doubt and frustration from my mind so they could never slip between me and my Heavenly Father. I didn’t just want to hide thoughts God wouldn’t like, I would have cut them out with violence if I knew how. As a result I picked and ticced and cut and exhibited symptoms of OCD.

It hurt to remember all of this at once during a BBC Amazon Prime miniseries. It confused me. It confused my spouse. I looked at all these feelings, exposed and piled in a massive dirty heap -- and I spotted the straps I used to haul it around with me for decades. Who knew I could carry all that? The weight of faith?

But I don’t have to pick it up again. I had a new story to help me frame my story. I felt equipped with a flaming sword to face my past and a new syntax to describe the old ideas I'm ready to let go of.

I got to recast Heaven and Hell. I was invited to ask myself whether a cozy cluttered bookshop doesn’t beat them both hands down.

I got to reimagine angels and demons, good and bad, intentions and consequences. I was invited to live in the reality that we’re all of us humans in between, and that I’m probably still overinvested in the value of Good and Bad as yardsticks.

I got to reimagine western history. The show’s perspective of history is very limited and Eurocentric, but it’s also the version of history I was taught at an early age, which made the story a useful lens to deconstruct what I learned before I knew much about critical thinking.

The opening of Episode 3 in particular f*cked me up. First Aziraphale lies to God and She vanishes, then Crowley starts poking holes in the story of the Flood, then at the Crucifixion -- I started breathing hard on my first viewing, experiencing a real physiological threat response. I was loving it, of course, but distressed panicky love.

The second time I watched it I realized what was happening: I was going back to Sunday School to revisit ideas I absorbed before I was fully sentient, and examining them in the light of fully formed adult secular morality. They look different from here.

When God withdraws Her presence from Aziraphale in the first few moments of Ep 3 as he prevaricates (well, lies) I remembered the one great fear of my faithful life: that I could sin a particular sin and as punishment I would be cut off from God’s presence. As a believer in the End Times, that meant the Rapture could occur at any moment and I might be rejected, be left behind to experience the Tribulation.

Now, from some remove, I realize that I always had one fear larger. It’s a thought I never allowed myself to entertain consciously. Good Omens unearthed it like a vein of flowing lava:

If the Apocalypse as my church describes it is real, how could God want it to happen? And if God does, is this a God I want to worship? If I don’t, but I’ll be damned for that, is my faith freely chosen?

Whose side could I really be on, in the End Times, if not Heaven’s or Hell’s?

These are not small questions.

I’m relieved that I answered them a long time ago for myself.

But even after the answering, there’s fallout; a million little knots to untie and ideas to unlearn. We all get to spend our lives doing this sort of archaeological dig through our childhood baggage, I suppose. My Stuff is certainly not unique. It’s just a lot. Same as everyone’s.

But once in awhile a story comes along and helps us with the process. A sharper spade, a better tool for the work. In my case, through Good Omens I received demolition-grade explosives. It gave me a framework, characters, and a personal shorthand to speed my own digging and contextualize what I find.

If your history is kinda like mine -- whether you’re still in the faith or not -- be sure to talk to someone about church stuff from your past. The weird stuff, the dark stuff, the things you did/people did to you that now seem “off.” Even if you’ve grown past the point of “mental illness requires an exorcism” there are still dangerous ideas buried like land mines in our moral matrices. Self-hatred, intolerance, fear of abandonment, fear that failure is damnation, presumption that “we’re” on the “right side” of everything and “they’re” not, fear that we the apocalypse Is Written by powers above and so we can’t change it.

I’m so happy I know a story with an Our Side now.

I’m so happy I know a story in which the true test of devotion to God’s Ineffable Plan is turning away from the dictates of Heaven and turning toward the World.

I’m so glad I met Aziraphale -- so like me, still seeking Heaven’s approval far too late in the game. I’m so grateful he found the courage to walk away, and I’m so glad I did too. I love that I know Crowley now, self-pwning lovelorn disaster demon of minor inconveniences and imagination and free will. I’m so happy Crowley was there to tempt his friend with questions from the start, and to receive him when he was finally ready to break away.

I’m so proud to know Adam and the Them and Anathema and Newt, inept humans trying their hardest against unstoppable cosmic forces, getting it right not just despite their flaws but through and because of them.

I’m so grateful I’ve finally managed to completely swap to female pronouns for God (thanks, Frances). I still love stories about Her, I still enjoy talking theology and religion. And after 20+ years of insisting God is above gender but masculinizing him, it’s about time I switch to thinking of God as Her for a spell to even things out.***

I’m so thankful for the nicest fandom I’ve known in ages and all the glorious queer beautiful amazing body-positive art and writing growing in this fabulous garden.

Confession accomplished.

P.S. I might not have the time/resources you need to chat with you if you’ve had similar experiences or want to discuss. If you need help be sure to reach somewhere healthy to get it. If you witness abuse, online or in church or otherwise -- report it, block it, mute it, shut it down, whatever is in your power.

P.P.S. If you have words of rebuke for me from a churchy place, and/or critiques about gender or politics, sorry, don’t give a f*ck. This is my story to tell and I am secure in my spiritual status. I am free indeed.

++++++++++++++

*Re. Deconversion: Or rather, I had my faith zapped out of me in what turned out to be the truest rapturous religious experience of my life. It happened in a church service; I almost fell out and spoke in tongues with the tingling power of understanding that I was truly and finally faithless. It’s an interesting deconversion story if you're familiar with charismatic church stuff, ask me sometime over tea. It felt like this.

**Re. Exorcisms: Most disturbing was the regular practice of exorcising people who clearly needed professional help for their mental health. I was present when prayers against demons happened over cases of depression, manic depression, epilepsy and other seizures, addiction, schizophrenia, and psychotic episodes. My particular church did acknowledge the role of modern medicine, but felt that the true core of these issues was spiritual and that medication ultimately could not solve a problem of demonic infestation. Looking back now I shudder and weep to think that this happened, that I was part of it once, and that it still happens daily at churches everywhere. It can be unspeakably damaging to the people being prayed over. If this practice happens in your church, leave. If it happens at a church where you’re in leadership, end it.

***Re. God as She/Her: I encourage you to find your own appropriate pronouns for God, whether you believe in Them or not. For me personally, still reeling from the Proverbs 31 upbringing, She/Her is very healing for now. But gender is a construct etc. etc.

#good omens #good omens analysis #aziraphale #crowley #exvangelical #ex-christian #neil gaiman

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fiery-assassin-arc · 3 years

Text

Bare Yourself - Iris’ POV

tw nudity mention, tw abuse mention

The chiming of the bells coming from St. Auodeon’s Church is enough to bring chills to me, even though it’s a nice spring day. Memories from Catholic school hit me like a train, thinking of Yvette almost. I wonder how she fares—not that it matters.

She made her choice when she wouldn’t even help me anymore, and I’m the fool for trusting her still.

My hands go to the cross necklace I decided to wear today, the cold metal unfamiliar since it has never remained on my neck until after school. I look over at the nuns, bowing in respect to the people who are entering, seeking a familiar face.

“Father Daniel.” I announce his name, walking over to him. The nuns look up and smile. Of course they remember me.

He turns, gives me a soft smile. “Ah, Iris. What a pleasure to see you on holy grounds again. It’s been what, a few months?”

“Just one month, Father. I heard the bake sale was a success.” I look over at the nuns. “Sister Harriet, you look lovely as ever.”

“Oh stop it dearie. I remember when you were just a wee little girl, scared of the ruler. And now look at you, all confident and strong.” She reaches for my wrist and I retract slowly.

“I was hoping if you weren’t too busy Father, I would like to speak to you.” I whisper the last seven words softly so only he could hear.

He nods. I don’t tell Father Daniel much. Mainly the nightmares that never wish to cease their orchestra in my skull. And for some of the acts I’ve committed. I couldn’t stop myself from crying when I told him I killed someone, but he never turned me in. Just told me to find some way for forgiveness to seek absolution. Strangely, in the world we live in, we accept it.

And this church was now polytheistic.

He takes me to the confessional booth, sitting on the side so he can appear aloof. Once I sit down, my hand goes to my cross. Rubbing the metal until it hurts my fingertips.

“Father I have felt plagued by the past.” I start off, lean my head against the chair. “For two weeks now, I have gotten nightmares involving . . .” I exhale slowly, thinking if I say his name, he’d appear like Bloody Mary. My finger goes over the rosary beads that were conveniently placed beside me, inhaling deeply. He’s not here. He won’t get me here. He won’t he won’t— “Remington, someone who had wronged me in the past.”

He hums. “What about him that plagues you?”

“I think he’s back.” I breathe the words out. “He attached me in the woods, I know he did. And my family thinks that I’m imagining it.” As the priest remains silent, I sit back and continue. “You know it’s been over three years since he died?”

“I remember that day, you had come into my church that following night. Still in your gown. Be grateful it was so dark no one recognized you.” He looks up to the sky, probably apologizing to the Gods.

“Yeah, thanks for that.” Almost three years ago, after the wedding was off the air of television due to a electrical circuit being cut, I drove the wedding limo towards this very church. When I made it here, still stained with blood, ready to confess my sins, Father Daniel welcomed me inside.

“Do you believe his spirit is unrestful, due to the nature of his death?”

“I don’t know.” Every time I think of the alternative than what I have experienced, it gives me a headache. “But due to a random Titan bringing people back, if you haven’t heard, anything is possible.”

“It frightens you, the idea of him back in your life?”

It makes me sick. He takes my silence as confirmation.

“I’ve also had dreams… memories of us. I’m not sure, but they feel like they happened. Showing me what he really was.” He’s silent the whole time. Something wet hits my hand, my fingers are burning from the rubbing of the rosary beads.

The dreams have started last year on my birthday, showing me glimpses, through motion or a whole movie-length. It’s either our happiest moments, or signs of his abuse I didn’t speak out on. That lunch scene genuinely frightened me.

And I have no idea if it was real, or he’s fabricated it years ago. My heart rattles inside my ribs, hurting me. How deep did his influence run?

“That is something I don’t think I could help with,” Father Daniel leaves his side of the booth and walks for a moment. Then he opens my door, his green eyes soft with concern. Hands me a tissue. “I think that we are done for today.”

I let go of the beads, see the paint is rubbed onto my skin, a rich brown. I must look a mess in front of him. Shaking, crying. “I—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“Breathe, child. It is natural to let go of your emotions.” Father Daniel takes my hand, helps me out of the booth. We go out to the back of the courtyard. “There are things even I cannot assist with. Hearing one confess, hear their problems, but at their own mental expense, I feel it would be too much for their soul.” He gingerly places a hand on my shoulder, smiling at me.

“Of course, Father. What should I do?”

“I would suggest talking to someone with knowledge of the mind. Perhaps they can help.” I grimace, but he doesn’t notice, or he did. “Or journal, do something to find ways of what it means.” He inhales, continues. “Sometimes God doesn’t have the answer for it all. I hope you find peace, in what you are going through, Iris.”

I nod, hear a distant clap of thunder over on the east side. It vibrates within my skin. Hot tears slide down my face. “Thank you.”

Perhaps it’s because I was born in water, or maybe my zodiac sign, but I love the feeling of it. The floating, the light twinkling through the glassy ceiling of blue. Submerged ten feet underwater in my pool with flowers floating above, I feel a sense of peace. My hand slowly moves in the water, my eyes open. It doesn’t burn.

My body twists and glides effortlessly, hair tickling my skin. Finding peace through swimming, ballet. Things I used to do before— they can help me. Sure, I could take Father Daniel’s suggestion of seeing a therapist. But not now. Not until I get him out. Out of the physical realm and my mind.

And these damned memories. Why are they resurfacing? And are they real?

I swim back up to the surface, pushing my hair back. All that I hear is my breaths, the muffled sounds from my music, and the water moving with me in tandem. I’ve sent the servants home, and I usually pay them while having them every six months. It’s better being alone. No one hears my screams from my nightmares. No one has to see my battle.

I’ve had one person to see my vulnerable side like that, and she’s in a crypt in the frozen tundra. Per my demand. I wasn’t going to let him turn her to rubble. I trusted him.

I pull myself out of the water, pulling my hair to the side to wring it out of excess liquid. Maybe I could cook something, get my mind off of today. “Radio, off.” I command, and the radio silences, leaving me in quiet. It’s fine. I can make it one day in silence.

I wrap the towel around myself and exit out the pool room, making my way to the bathroom, and turn on the shower, nice and hot. I strip myself of my swimsuit and get in. Wash the chlorine from my hair and skin, ignoring the sting of soap in my eyes. I blink it away, scrub it out.

I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to see the darkness.

I wash my back, the scars showing lines where I was hurt. Can’t believe it’s been six years since that day. As I look, I notice some look older, a bit more darker than the others. As if I had these scars before my kidnapping.

Couldn’t be my wings giving the scars. It’s a weird sense of anatomy how they come out, but never resulted in my back bleeding.

And I remember the pain of each whip, but on some parts, it hurt worse. Hitting something that was there prior.

I shake off whatever idea I have, despite the chill and continue to shower. Wanting it out of my system. Maybe… Maybe Dad was right. Maybe it was just because of his anniversary of his death that I imagined it. No. It sounded stupid as soon as I thought of it. Dad can be right on many things, but not this.

Definitely not this.

I change into some sweatpants and a big shirt once I’m done, splash some cold water on my face before walking out to the living room. I bend to the fireplace and start it up with some wood and a flame. The sounds of the ember popping a comfort to me. When I exhale, I notice how cold it is.

“Nick?” I say into the silence, before groaning. “Not in the mood for this, big brother. Next time use a lock.”

“You’re not as aware of your surroundings as you used to be.”

My instincts are quick, grabbing the fire poker and pointing it straight at the intruder in my home. He stands at the front door, arms behind his back. Clad in blue, the symbol of our clan proud in the center of his headband. A soft smile. Sad, but soft nonetheless. It’s been four months since I’ve seen the man in front of me. Four months since I almost killed him in revenge.

Not since the funeral of our friends, clan, of Frost.

“Hi, Sub-Zero.”

#long post #{{ TADAAAAAAAA #tw nudity mention #tw abuse mention

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ferricadooza · 4 years

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dig deeper tag game

i was tagged by the lovely @tempolarriefix, thank you serena!!

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or a blue pen? either or! the only stipulation is it has to be a uni-ball signo. best damn glide i’ve ever experienced.

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or in the city? if i could live with all of my friends on a huge farm out in the country, i 100% would. otherwise, probably the city. small towns are not my thing.

3. If you could learn a new skill, what would it be? cooking! i’m a terrible cook and i don’t much like it either, which makes it difficult to want to learn haha

4. do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? tea, yes, but i usually drink my coffee black unless it’s really, really bad.

5. What was your favourite book as a child? nancy drew babey 6. Do you prefer baths or showers? definitely showers!

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be? a griffin

8. Paper or electronic books? if it’s a book, paper, but i’m not gonna print out all 500 pages of a fic to read, so those are electronic

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? my louis sweats

10. Do you like your name? Would you like to change it? i used to haaaaaate my full name because no one could pronounce it correctly, but it’s growing on me :)

11. Who is a mentor to you? probably my future therapist

12. Would you like to be famous? If so, what for? i want to be infamous. i want to be one of the most hated people in certain circles. probably for defending rpf lmao.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? not lately

14. Do you consider yourself to be a romantic person? mmmmmm no, not really. i think like most people i have my moments, but i think when it comes to relationships, i’d rather just like. have fun with someone.

15. Which element best represents you? fire, although scorpios are supposedly water signs haha

16. Who do you want to be closer to? my friends! most people will tell you i’m emotionally unavailable (which is true) but i’m working on it :) 17. Do you miss someone at the moment? @ltwalls2020 :(

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. i went to visit my grandparents when i was like? 7 or 8? anyway, they live in texas, and i very vividly remember being on a tarantula farm and one of these massive,1ft diameter spiders escaping from its crate and there being mass panic all around me because it was venomous. when i brought this memory up to my mom when i was about twelve, however, she told me that it had never happened, so uhhhhhh guess i had a very realistic dream that i believed actually happened for 4-5 years.

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? i had a coworker give me some dill flavored peanuts or something similar once and those were an experience, but i haven’t really eaten too many out-of-the-ordinary foods

20. What are you most thankful for? louis tomlinson

21. Do you like spicy food? yes! but i do have my limits haha

22. Have you ever met someone famous? i “met” dan and phil during their second tour if you consider completely freezing and not being able to get a single word out meeting someone

23. Do you keep a diary or journal? no, but i kept a pretty pretentious one (as you do) when i was around 16

24. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil? pen always, unless i’m drawing in which case i prefer charcoal

25. What is your star sign? scorpio

26. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? crunchy

27. What would you want your legacy to be? an instigator, but a loving instigator 28. Do you like reading? What was the last book you read? iiiiiiii mostly read fics these days haha. last fic i read was if i had no love left to give by @kingsofeverything

29. How do you show someone you love them? spending time with them and listening

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? sometimes, but not always!

31. What are you afraid of? rejection, loneliness

32. What is your favourite scent? bakeries

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? i don’t

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? i would travel and write and visit all of my friends to my heart’s content

.35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? pools...i’m afraid of the ocean

36. What would you do if you found $50 on the ground? it would depend on where i was. if i was in a store, i’d take it to their claims dept and leave it in case someone realized and came back for it. if i found it on the sidewalk, i’d pick it up and keep it

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish? yes and no

38. What is one thing you would want to teach your children? mmmmmm i can’t even imagine ever having children at this point in my life so i feel like i should pass on this one.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? i want ‘day by day’ in louis’ handwriting over the inside of my elbow

40. What can you hear right now? you missed my heart by phoebe bridgers and the diluted sounds of my mom on a conference call

41. Where do you feel the safest? in bed

42. What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer? my crippling self esteem issues 43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? ancient greece 44. What is your most used emoji? side eyes haha

45. Describe yourself using one word. idiot <3

46. What do you regret the most? ever believing i was straight

47. Last movie you saw? the fear of 13 maybe? great documentary!

48. Last tv show you watched? i’m currently rewatching the vampire diaries hehe 49. Invent a word and its meaning plumify - to humble brag

i’m tagging: @larryscurves, @ltwalls2020, @lightwoodsmagic, @gulsuyu, @chaoticlarents, and @liamslarents

#if you want to!#okay now that i've wasted uhhhhhh half an hour of the time i've been supposed to be writing #back to work #tagged /#long post

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loverofpiggies · 5 years

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After having a bit of a breakdown, I'm struggling to pull myself out of it. Any tips? I dont want to lose my job but its affecting my performance because I have panic attacks at work and a part of me is so scared that I'm somehow faking it and am really just lazy or something

I recall, back when I worked at Hobby Lobby still, I had a panic attack so bad I thought it was a heart attack, and I was sure I was dying.Shortly after, I recall being in such a panicked state, that driving home from work one day, I was so overwhelmed with absolutely everything, I almost just. Drove as far north as I could, and mentally planned to live in hotels until I ran out of money in my savings account.

I was having some bad mental breakdowns during that time, wasn’t great to my friends and girlfriend, and closed myself off almost entirely. It was pure hell. So I have DEFINITELY been there.

First things first: You are definitely not lazy. Living with that kind of anxiety, it puts your brain and body into overdrive. Your brain is working so hard trying to curb all that, that I’m sure it’s exhausting. Hell, it did me.

I know this is advice that a lot of people are given. But first things first,

talking to a professional therapist literally saved my life.

(I’m bolding that, because I STRONGLY recommend a professional. I can only speak from personal experience, but I am no therapist!) You have to find a good one, and I highly suggest going every single week (It’s been 5 years, and I only miss when I have to) But here are a couple things I have personally learned.(A ton of text under the cut!)

1. Journal the feelings out.

Let yourself feel all those awful emotions- but ONLY in a safe environment. If you do not think you are ready to face it, that’s okay, it’s all baby steps. But when you try to shove down scary, or unfortunate things, they will always find a way out- and anxiety is a great outlet for pent up feelings.

The reason why I say to journal, is when you try to speak to yourself, or talk it out- your brain has a tendency to try and rationalize away your feelings. My therapist told me directly to JOURNAL, because speaking is another step that your brain can use against you- but writing down? Your thoughts can be dropped directly on to paper, with WAY less rationalizing your feelings away. I didn’t believe my therapist when I first started journaling, but boy howdy, it’s been a miracle.

2. It’s okay to not be okay.

This is one I still struggle with, but let me explain it in more detail. You worry you’re faking it, or you’re being lazy, but that definitely isn’t the case. It’s OKAY to not be alright. I used to be extremely hard on myself, too. I used to be like ‘Everything is going my way. Why can’t I be happy?’ ‘What is wrong with me?’ ‘I’ve made my dreams come true, why am I still so unhappy?’

I was being so hard on myself, I was intensifying it, and making it even worse. I started to curb those thoughts, by just being honest with myself. ‘I feel like crud today. It’s fine, I’m just going to let myself feel like crud.’ or ‘Okay okay, brain I get you, I’ll take a break’.

The funny thing is, the more you teach yourself it’s okay to not be okay, it helps give you more good days. The less hard you are on yourself about your anxiety, the less intense the anxiety gets. Accepting the bad parts of you and learning to love yourself with those parts, actually tends to lessen the bad things from happening. They still happen, but it’s WAY less painful, and usually lasts way less time, too.

3. Be brave.

Let me use a couple of examples for this one.

I used to be too terrified to leave my house. I was certain if I were to- say- take a walk down the street, I would be attacked, or murdered. Like, legit, daily fears. I don’t live in a dangerous area- but I treated it like a warzone.

Certain times- I’m not kidding you- I used to be too scared to leave my closet. I can’t go into detail about that, but. Yes, that was daily life for me for a while.

So? I was scared to take walks. So I made myself take walks. I started taking walks for five minutes every day. During those five minutes, I would absolutely be panicking. I’d be checking behind me. I’d think all sorts of terrifying thoughts. But. I made myself walk.

Then I bumped it up to ten minutes. Then twenty. And let me make it very clear- through out most of this, I was scared. Every step of the way. Terrified. But I knew, that if I did not face this fear, then it would cripple, and control me.

Because I forced myself to make those baby steps back in college, and become more and more open- it is the only way I could have possibly traveled to sell at conventions. Now? I fly around the country, and take public transport, and hell, today I’ve been hanging out at a ton of local parks just because it’s fun- and the only reason I got that far, was because I had a fear, and I faced it- no matter how much terror it gave me.

This is related to everything. In therapy, I HAD to face memories that I shoved away for years. It was hard. And it was scary, and I cried, and I felt all those things I had to feel-- but because I faced them, and with the help of my therapist, learned how to handle them- I’ve never felt so confident, or brave. Because I faced walking outside, or faced my deepest insecurities- it is the ONLY reason I am where I am.

Remember: I used to be terrified of leaving my home- and now I spend entire days exploring the outdoors. Why do you think I enjoy posting lots of instagram videos about my outdoor experiences? I know people who have never faced those fears like I have.... and trust me. It is not a life I’d wish on anyone. So no matter how scary it is- you do have the strength to do it, but you have to be gentle with yourself and take gentle steps.

And to face these fears in this way? Gives you a CRAPTON of confidence, let me tell you. I’ve never been more certain I can face whatever life throws at me- because I keep forcing myself to face the scary things anyway.

And 4- the thing that took me the longest to learn.

4. There is nothing wrong, with doing medication.

For years, I did everything I was supposed to. I went to therapy every single week. I journaled almost daily, I made myself start taking walks- I made myself start doing things I was too scared to do, and so I did EVERYTHING I could.

And I want to make it extremely clear, all those things I did changed my life significantly for the positive. But sometimes, on top of all the other junk, you still have a chemical imbalance going on. Remember, the human brain is huge and complicated and it takes a lot of things to function the way it’s supposed to. And sometimes, something in it is just kinda off.

From my extremely, EXTREMELY limited understanding of the brain (don’t @ me) my brain was either burning through serotonin too quickly, or not producing enough. Serotonin is related to a lot of things, like depression and anxiety.

Even though I did all the other things I was doing, and they were DEFINITELY, absolutely helping me- there was still an imbalance- and I began taking medication to help correct it.

And there is a reason I put this on number 4. The only reason the medication helps as much as it does, is because I have all the other skills I’ve gained. Medication is not a cure all. It helps with my anxiety yes, but only because I’ve gained the skills to recognize when I’m having increased anxiety. Because I know when I need to journal, or take time to myself, or spend a day outside, or to talk to my therapist- THAT is why my medication has helped so much. My medication was the final step, literally the final tool I needed, on top of everything else I use daily to keep myself mentally in check.

And a final thing to remember?

This takes time.

When you do all these things, the therapy, the journaling, all this self assessment, what you’re really learning to do, is to reprogram your brain. I was reprogramming my brain from having intense fear from going outside. I reprogrammed my brain in a billion more subtle ways, to benefit me. I only was able to do this, with a licensed professional, that I connected with and that I could tell cared about my wellbeing.

And five years ago, hell, even three years ago- I was a wreck. And all this work? This struggle? This deep dive into my brain? God, it’s so worth it. It’s really, REALLY damn worth it. I had to teach my brain that it didn’t need to protect me by putting up all these barriers, that I wanted to feel all the things it was trying to protect me from... and it’s changed everything. I’ve never felt so content.

And once again, that IS with diagnosed complex trauma, anxiety disorder and PTSD. You can live with those things and be happy, but you gotta fight for it. The fight is hard, but the results are absolutely worth it.

And even if you don’t think you can do it, I know you can. The brain likes to be really hard on itself, but that doesn’t mean everything it thinks is true. Because I’ve been there. I thought I couldn’t do it. I thought I’d be trapped feeling awful forever. But I fought- in small ways, then in big ways.

You just have to find the right direction to go. And, I hope this helps you pick a direction that will help you.

#mental illness #advice #sad maybe?#I dunno how yall would want me to tag this #long post #for some reason it wouldn't let me put it under a cut?#turretangel

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inconvenient-sneezes · 5 years

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stole this from @yesihaveastupidkink !!!

***

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? yep!!

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? probably my parents haha

03: Do you regret anything? definitely. i was an absolute terror in from ages 12-18. i’m mentally ill so that was a factor, but i was truly an ungrateful brat.

04: Are you insecure? kind of! i play it off

05: What is your relationship status? i’m an insecure bi dating a het male.

06: How do you want to die? peacefully? lol.

07: What did you last eat? chocolate!! a handmade peanut butter cup.

08: Played any sports? i’m a martial artist (or used to be!)

09: Do you bite your nails? no ma’am

10: When was your last physical fight? a few years ago! i used to fight a lot bc i was a martial arts competitor.

11: Do you like someone? my boyfriend, my best friends, my parents, etc

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? yeah :/

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? hell yes. i lived with three girls last year in one house and two of them were complete egomaniacs. thankfully they’re moving out but truly two of the worst, most manipulative people i’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting.

14: Do you miss someone? my best friend who’s working in another state currently!

15: Have any pets? yes!! a dog and an axolotl!

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? actually pretty sick but i think my sugar levels are just too high lmao

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? i don’t think so!! or actually, yes, i guess my bathroom at home but not in a university or anything

18: Are you scared of spiders? yees

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? probably! as long as i could travel back to my own time.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? in my house haha

21: What are your plans for this weekend? i’ve gotta pick up some more clothes for work and will probably clean the house a bit.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? i want to adopt + have kids of my own if i can — probably two or three.

23: Do you have piercings? How many? yes! two: my singles + doubles on my ears. hoping to get my nose but i’m nervous my parents would freak (yes, i’m in my 20s, yes i’m afraid of pissing off my parents).

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? journalism + english + history

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? yes! a friend or two.

26: What are you craving right now? sleep haha

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? yes :(

28: Have you ever been cheated on? no

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? yes

30: What’s irritating you right now? how nauseous i feel haha.

31: Does somebody love you? yes! my partner of two years

32: What is your favourite color? green

33: Do you have trust issues? oooOOhhh yeah boy

34: Who/what was your last dream about? i can’t really remember... i forget them so fast usually

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? jesus christ i don’t know. my therapist maybe or my boyfriend.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? fuck no. re: trust issues.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? neither??? ^^^

38: Is this year the best year of your life? honestly yes! it’s been amazing compared to past years.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? no

51: Favourite food? pasta or tacos

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? probably

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? watched adventure time + fixed myself a drink

54: Is cheating ever okay? never

55: Are you mean? yes

56: How many people have you fist fought? more than 10

57: Do you believe in true love? yes ~

58: Favourite weather? warm!!

59: Do you like the snow? i’ve never seen *true* snow but i like the shitty stuff we get for the most part (i live in the deep south haha nice)

60: Do you wanna get married? yes

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? ye

62: What makes you happy? food + friends + journalism + family

63: Would you change your name? no

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? no hehe

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? well, that’d be my ex haha. so i probably wouldn’t go there.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yes

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? my brother

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my boyfriend or my parents

69: Do you believe in soulmates? yes

70: Is there anyone you would die for? my family and friends probs

#abt

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mackadesiac · 6 years

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Anxiety and Finances

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The first time I realized that my general anxiety disorder may be impacting my spending habits was when I was in the middle of PetSmart, nearly in tears, because I was afraid I wasn’t spending enough money on my cat for his birthday.

I have a very cute cat. He is very sweet, very social, and very indifferent on the majority of toys he gets. He has two favorites, and that’s about it. I ended up blowing my fleeting budget on a cat tree (which he already had). He never touched it, and I ended up giving it away.

The next year, I briefly dated a coach from the gym. When we matched on Bumble, I convinced myself I needed to go to Old Navy to get a new workout top that was cute, and flirty, which would seal the date.

If did not. After two dates, he ghosted me and is now in love with a woman who is far more fit than me, but with the same first name. That does wonders for my self-esteem.

Writing these instances out feels juvenile. It feels silly to panic over a date, or a cat’s birthday, or the idea that my apartment wasn’t “fall enough”, leading to a binge shopping spree. It didn’t feel silly at the moment. It felt overwhelming. I still remember the panicked feeling in my chest, the single obsession I had, the rapid heart, the trick my mind did, which was assuring me that the second I made these purchases, Larry (the term I give my anxiety), would simply vanish.

I’ve been reading “Bad with Money”, a book by Gabby Dunn about finances. This was the first financial book, where mental health was addressed, and I didn’t feel like absolute shit at the end of reading it. Typically, every book I read or financial advice I get, revolves around “Be better.”

Here’s the truth: For those of us who are not neurotypical, “being better” is not as easy as you think.

I was in a denial for a long time that my mental health was impacting my financial behavior. I would do something impulsive and then feel devastated that I was a terrible, unworthy human being, spend some time in bed, crying and watching YouTube videos, telling myself “I AM GOING TO CHANGE”, then falling back into a terrible cycle.

For those of you who are reading this and thinking “You entitled millennial, saving money isn’t that hard, you’re just lazy”, let me tell you what an anxiety disorder feels like.

unsplash-logoDarius Bashar

Something slightly unexpected happens, or a major work type thing is approaching (e.g., academic conferences, deadlines, a date). I start to think about it. I start to have graphic dreams about something going wrong during said event, usually involving blood, death, or something worse. My stomach starts to turn into knots. My heart rate starts to rise. It feels like I’m about to die or lose control. My head sometimes gets light. I get dizzy. I start to focus singularly on one thing that will “Fix this.” Typically it means purchasing something that may help, or at least something that will make me think I’m ready. I buy that thing, and I get a tempory relief.

It is not fun. It is not “all in my head. There are somatic symptoms. And it hurts my finances in ways I only realized recently. If you struggle with this, or mental health and managing finances here are a couple of things I want to say:

You are not a bad person for your finances. Likewise, if you have a ton of money, you are not automatically a good person. Money does not indicate self-worth.

Practice grounding. Whenever I get an anxiety attack, I have a list of things I try to focus on. I review all of the names of the Harry Potter books, the Horcruxes, where they were hidden, who killed them, etc. etc. Sometimes I even text my friends and say “I’m having an anxiety attack. Text me Harry Potter trivia.” It works. Pick something you know a lot about, or focus on reciting all the states you can.

See a therapist. I love therapy. I think it’s great. I get to tell someone all about myself and they are forced to give me insightful information. It’s everything I have ever wanted.

Keep a list of self-care activities that are free with you. I have one in my Bullet Journal, broken down by category. If I spend ten minutes playing guitar, even if it takes every fiber of my being, I tend to feel better, and the anxiety lessens.

Understand the system is set up to fail you. You are not a failure, especially in graduate school, for not having a lot of money. I am insanely privileged to have parents to help me out when I get in a tough spot, and I understand not everyone has that ability. It’s hard for the average person to escape the consumerism culture. It’s even harder when you have mental health issues, and everyone is selling you on devices, and hair care in the name of “self-care.” If you end up spending some money or falling victim to that, it’s ok. You’re not a failure-the system is failing you. Look forward, not backward.

Forgive yourself once in a while. When I started being kinder to myself, I notice I stopped having as many spending sprees, and I’m better at controlling myself.

Talk to everyone. Ask your professors how they made it through grad school. I recently started asking my grad school friends how they manage their money, and it’s helpful. I know I’m not alone, and I occasionally get tips. When my professors mention budgets, I ask them how they keep track of them, and they’re helpful.

Avoid the people who make you feel bad. Graduate students aren’t always the most chill, down to earth people. Some people come into programs with a lot of money, and hearing them talk about blowing money on things I couldn’t dream of, or their ability to jet off when they want, makes me feel like I’m a failure. Other people will convince you that since you are not doing exactly what they are, you’re a failure. The older I get, the better I am at avoiding those people and cutting them out of my life.

Find the resources that work for you. Reading Bad with Money has helped me with the shame of my finances. The podcast was where I started. Also, You Need A Budget, has been the most helpful app in terms of understanding budgeting. It’s free for students for a year I believe, and they have some great information that doesn’t focus on shaming you. Dave Ramsey never did it to me-I just felt ashamed that I couldn’t add a pizza delivery job to my already full schedule. Plus I’m a left-leaning, brown, bisexual woman, and I couldn’t help believing that I was his target audience (this may not be true, but it’s a feeling I got).

Focus on positive feelings. I used to try and shame myself out of spending money, which didn’t end up working. I would focus on the guilt, which would just flip me into “I am so anxious that I need to spend 12 hours in bed to avoid the world.” I’ve been trying to think “If I save money, I can buy my parents something ice” or “This ten dollars can be spent on a vacation/tattoo rather than coffee.” Instead of shaming your current or past self, think of investing in your future self.

For the love of God, sleep. Therapy helps. Medication helps. Meditation helps. But sleeping is the best thing for my anxiety disorder. When I get a good nights rest, I feel so much more in control. I feel ready. I go to sleep around 8-8:45 pm, and I have learned to love it. Please do not fall into the stupid grad school myth that if you’re not working until 2 am, you’re failing. It’s bull. My work is so much better when I feel positive and rested.

I’m not going to pretend I am perfect with my finances yet. Hell, I’m not even close. But sharing my thoughts and perspectives with others may help someone down the line. And the more I share, the better I feel. I shouldn’t be ashamed about my mental health or my finances. Because the more I keep those in the dark, the worse they get.

#academia #academic #finance #money #grad school #gradblr #gradblogging #PhD #PhD student #PhD Problems #phd life #anxiety #mental health #positive mental health #financial planning

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phoenix1966sbottom · 6 years

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Stories where Jared (and a few Sam Wesson AUs) is a ghost or around them. I’m sticking to Jared (and AU Sam), since Sam Winchester is often around them. Given the nature of the rec, please be aware there are death fics in this lot. As always, heed the warnings where the stories are posted!

J2 AU

Shadow of Doubt by saucyminx on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Jared sees spirits. It's something that he's learned to live with in a rather dysfunctional way - that is - until the next spirit to visit him is one he knows. Detective Ackles might be the one person who can help him. (no penetrative sex)

A Cottage With A Sea View by Tempestquill on LiveJournal. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. In 1993 Jared Padalecki inherits a cottage with a sea view on Santa Rosa Island, just off of the California coastline. 2008, jaded actor Jensen Ackles buys a beach house on a small island off of the California coastline from his therapist to escape the frenzy that his life has become after a recent scandal. See how the lives of these two men collide...

The Darkest Things I’ve Seen by anyothergirl415 on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Jared sees ghosts and has a hard time coping.

A Ghost in Your Garden by dimeliora on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. A very loosely based AU of Season One of American Horror Story, Romcom style. Jensen has suffered an accident, and moves into a new home as a form of occupational and geographical therapy. He's surprised on arrival to find that his house is haunted and that his relationship is more damaged than he imagined. Luckily his new neighbor Jared is there to help him deal with the mysteries of his new home, and pick up the pieces of his broken life

Giving Up the Ghost by dimpleforyourthoughts on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Since his parents’ divorce, Jensen Ackles has just about given up on the living. Moving from town to town with his Mom and Sister, his only solace has been found in music, and ignoring pretty much everything else. The latest move to a massive plantation home in Louisiana feels like a dream come true: he'll have all the space and privacy he's ever wanted. But there's something--someone--else living in the house. And they're absolutely bent on making Jensen's peace and quiet a living hell. Jensen's just a moody teenager who wants to be left alone. And Jared is the lonely ghost that haunts his bedroom. Determined to get rid of the pesky poltergeist, Jensen makes it his mission to get Jared to move on from this earth. But the more time they spend searching for Jared's way to cross over, the more Jensen is discovering that Jared might be one of the few people on this earth--living and dead--that he might want to keep around.

Soundproof Box by orphan_account on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. After Jared's mother dies, he buys an old, old house far away from his childhood home. Alone and introverted, always thought to be too weird, the ghost living in the house is Jared's only company. Jared doesn't exactly mind -- turns out Jensen is just as weird, if not weirder. Oh, Jared likes him.

The Crying Boy by etoile_etoilee on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Jensen Ackles' journalist career has hit an all-time low. He's ready to jump on whatever story that could make an interesting article. Come along student-journalist Jared Padalecki, who might have found a legitimate haunted house. (no penetrative sex)

Breaking Free by MorganaDW on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Jensen Ackles is a psychologist who breaks free of his old life to hunt ghosts in a small New England town. When he finds out that his new home is actually haunted by the cursed spirit of a young Puritan man he becomes determined to help free him from the torment and pain that has kept him trapped.Jared Padalecki has long since given up hope of ever being freed from the curse that’s held him prisoner for over 300 years. He lives in fear of the old evil that originally cursed and abused him and knows there’s no hope or freedom for him.When Jensen’s arrival starts an unexpected chain of events that brings hope back to Jared, he also begins to learn more about himself and the lies and guilt he was told three centuries earlier that makes him long for a life that he was never allowed to have.As the pair struggle to break the curse they will soon discover that it’s not only the power of the evil witch that still seeks to hold Jared captive they’ll have to face and overcome but feelings that Jensen wasn’t expecting and Jared doesn’t fully understand.

Ghost Sex by Anon on Spn-blindfold. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. From the prompt: Jensen is a spirit haunting Jared. Every night Jensen fucks Jared to exhaustion, but the sex is the best that Jared has ever had. The longer that it goes on the more isolated that Jared becomes - Jared doesn't want to leave Jensen and Jensen doesn't like Jared away from him. Jared's friends don't know how to save him.

High Spirits by Blueeyedliz on LiveJournal. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Jensen is engaged to Danneel but when they take a weekend break together at an old - supposedly haunted - hotel in Texas, Jensen meets someone who turns his life upside down and steals his heart. This story is a J2 retelling of the 1988 film ‘High Spirits’.

The Lengths I Would Go To by insertcode11. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. The author deleted her journal but allows her work to be shared. Jared runs a matchmaking business and Jensen is looking for a date.

In My Thoughts… by spn_j2fan on A03. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Jensen just wanted to be a father and a husband. He never pictured himself a serial killer. (warning: Implied but not described that Jared tops once)

First Days Gone by insertcode11. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Jared and Jensen are soldiers in WW1. The author has deleted their work but allows sharing. The story is one of many in the file. I have said it before and I’ll say it again…run, don’t walk to download this author’s work. It is amazing and almost all bottom!Sam/Jared!

Because Ghosts by indiachick on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Jared's had a terrible summer, what with all the hereditary insanity, possible hauntings, and Jensen.

Haunted Houses are Love by tigbit on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Jared moves into a haunted house. He takes it in stride. (no penetrative sex)

Don’t Even Fix a Price by cleflink on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Heroes sure have changed since Jensen became the ferryman of the dead. (no penetrative sex)

Paranormal 101 by dugindeep on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. There are currently 19 paranormal TV shows broadcast across the world, and the Paranormal National Investigators of the Supernatural are no different. Led by Jensen Ackles, the show is a staple on the Travel Channel and of Jared’s TV (and masturbatory) habits. When there’s an opening in the crew, Jared jumps for the chance to join his ghost-hunting heroes. It’s not an easy transition into the cocky gang of paranormal experts, but Jared manages to find his way, and prove what he’s believed all along: ghosts are real. (no penetrative sex. Warning: Jared rims Jensen)

The Lost by Phoenix1966 (me) on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Big screen star Jensen Ackles was on his way to Brazil to continue filming his latest project. He was glad to lose himself in the role and bury the pain of his broken heart by slipping on a stranger’s skin. Because of his manager’s twisted attempt to help, he found himself on a private jet with a high-class rent boy. Before he could figure out what to do with that, a bolt of lightning sent them tumbling into the rainforest.With them believing there were no other survivors, Jensen has to figure how to get them back to civilization. It was a good thing he was as strong and capable as the leading men he portrayed on screen, because how much help could an expensive hooker really be in the middle of the Amazon?

Cheyenne by Magser on mediafire. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. An actor looking to hide, a quaint cabin by a beautiful lake and an old ghost story... (no penetrative sex)

Here Burns a Candle Out by erushi on LiveJournal. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. WWI steampunk AU. Aeronaut and part-time spy Jensen Ackles has every intention of leaving the spy service after his last job in Europe during the Great War ends poorly. Instead, he finds himself sent to a resort outside the city to recuperate, where he meets Jared, an eccentric ghost hunter who is determined to unlock the secrets of a nearby haunted house. Unfortunately for Jensen, things at the resort aren't quite what they seem, and when matters take a sinister turn, Jensen discovers just how impossible it is for anyone to truly ever leave the world of espionage. (no penetrative sex, but Jared seems the more forward/dominant of the pair)

Heaven’s Just A Sin Away by jeyhawk on LiveJournal. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Jared is a medium and Jensen a ghost...and the sequel And Her Lips Were Cherry Red. After separating from his lover of five years, psychic Jared Padalecki finds himself at loss for what to do, but a plea from help from the FBI turns his life around and soon Jared and his estranged lover find themselves knee-deep in mystery, murders and ghosts with a very real threat towards their lives hanging over their heads. Can they unravel the truth before it's too late, or will their separation turn out to be of the terminal kind? (warning: although there is no penetrative sex onscreen, it is heavily implied they switch.)

Stigmata by Jenshih_Blue on A03. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Jared Padalecki is a tattoo artist in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania living a carefree party life until a twist of fate makes him a messenger of God-a God he wants no part of nor believes in either. Father Jensen Ackles is a priest and a scientist, who after years of disproving miracles across the world is jaded. When their worlds clash, they find themselves faced with a truth that will either destroy them or unite them in a way neither expected.

Song of the Reaper by Jenshih_Blue on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. Private detective Jensen Ackles is a cynic and believes he's seen the worst humanity has to offer until one night a dark haired beauty by the name of Genevieve walks into his office. The job, discover the truth behind the death of her fiancé Jared Padalecki, a local artist. The cops have labeled it a suicide, case closed, but she refuses to believe it. As Jensen digs into her fiancés mysterious past, he finds himself drawn into a world darker than he imagined, a world leading to a path of emotional self-destruction. After all—how can you fall in love with a dead man? (warning: although bottom!Jared onscreen, Jensen thinks about bottoming)

Haven’t Met You Yet by sandymg on Ao3. Jared/Jensen. J2 AU. After an unsettling break-up with his lover, well-known horror writer Jared Padalecki has settled into the quiet and privacy of his new home. Except he's developing an obsession about the visitor in his garden who feels like someone Jared has been waiting for his whole life. Trouble is, the man he wants to meet lives in a world where Jared hasn't even been born. (no penetrative sex, ambiguous who tops and bottoms)

Wincest AU

Crimson Peak by TwoBoys2Love on Ao3. Sam/Dean. Wincest AU. In the aftermath of a series of family tragedies, Sam Wesson finds himself swept off his feet by the debonair Baronet Dean Winchester. When he arrives at his new home he discovers a place with far too many memories and spirits. Things are not at all what they seem and Sam finds himself struggling to stay alive. Based on the Del Toro film: Crimson Peak.

Uninvited by TwoBoys2Love on Ao3. Sam/Dean. Wincest AU. Sam buys a new house. All is going well until strange things begin to happen. This brings a strange man into his life and together they fight what is inhabiting Sam's home.

Can’t Take the Sky by saucyminx on Ao3. Sam/Dean. Unrelated wincest. Sam’s brought to yet another foster home but this time he finds a friend. Of course, he also finds an enemy and something other-worldy he wasn’t quite prepared to accept.

Love Make Monsters by riyku on Ao3. Sam/Dean. Wincest. Sam’s sure of only two things in this world. A Crimson Peak Au.

#fanfic rec #bottom!jared #bottom!sam #ghosts #j2 au #wincest au #deathfic #unrelated wincest #wincest

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candycoatedmary · 6 years

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I’m so lucky

Hello.

It’s me. You might recognize me from my many online diary sites.

Or not. I tried my damnedest to make them anonymous. On the off chance that you do know who I am and recognize my words.. get a fucking life dweeb and use those sleuthing skills for something productive you’re wasting your talents.

Anyway.

My heart is a crab apple never picked. Full of worms on the soil by the roots. Is that really sad though? I bet those worms are really happy in that apple. Moist and fed. The roots will also benefit from the nourishment that those billions of bacteria will turn that apple into. So Maybe it’s ok?

Well, what would that apple have been if that apple had not fallen? What if it had been plucked when it was bright and shiny? Some kid up the tree plucks it and eats it?

Eh. who cares. I’

Should I delete everything I just wrote? Usually, that’s what I do. I let out a stream of consciousness and delete it if I run out of steam before it’s something worth sharing. He’s a thought though, no one gives a shit what I write. I just like doing it.

You know.. as a kid, I was a fucking awesome writer for my age. I’ve been writing since I could hold a crayon. I can still remember the visuals in my little 5-year-old head as I wrote about a family loading up their covered wagon. I continued writing off and on through elementary but it really blew up in high school and I filled notebook after notebook with stories and journal entries and fantasies. Lots of people enjoyed it what I wrote. It was the only thing I felt confident about. I wrote out essays for Language Arts like it was nothing. They were easy and fun. 5 paragraphs, intro with 5 sentences

how did I feel about the subject

3 factual sentences

reiterate the first sentence so that it sounds like an outro.

Then I wrote the 3 factual sentences again so that they were drawn out into 5 sentences each.. then the whole Intro paragraph again but with more opinions because now that my reader had the facts, I could introduce my perspective on it without seeming uninformed. It was amazing.

It was so fucking easy. and fun. Like running full tilt at recess. So easy and so much fun. I miss my mind.

You can not imagine the fucking hatred and rage that has been building up towards myself and the fucking bullies I knowingly KNOWLING let into my life and I let them tell me not to write. me. me not write. Jesus. and i let them. I thought I’d just pick it up later. That I’d always have this beautiful golden butterfly/glowing lunar moth keeping me safe from being completely worthless.

I never wanted to write professionally, I didn’t want deadlines and career stress to ruin what I loved. This art that I had was truly mine and it made me feel connected to my parents and all the geniuses that I idolized.

Then some guy started paying attention to my lonely ass. I was a typical albeit emotionally neglected teenage girl. I thought I was fat. I thought I was so ugly, and stupid (yes, even with the hyper-confidence about writing I thought I was dull as sun-bleached plushies in the read window of grandmas Buick). I would expect that it has a lot to do with being afraid to find out that I’m not as good of a writer as I thought I was and having the general public tell me so. I don’t know man.

I was told to put my pen down by someone giving me attention, so I did. After we broke up, I picked it right up and things were pretty good. Although I had switched to a fully digital medium.

Then I dated/married a computer nerd and he could get into any website I was posting on and read what I wrote. He said I wasn’t allowed to write there either.

I tried to go to school. I wrote an essay about butterflies for an aptitude test. I don’t even remember what it was about.. the life cycle maybe. But I got a letter asking me to be on the school newspaper team. That was nice. I didn’t go.

I wrote my husbands essays for school, they asked him to be on the school paper too. He said that his teachers said he should be in honors English, he told me to tone it down and make it more believable.

Yeah. I edited my best friends college papers and my mother in laws work papers.. I don’t know what they were for. I just checked it for errors because her English wasn’t great. Later after my divorce, I wrote my ex-sister in laws papers for English and they also asked her to be in honors classes and to join the school paper.

Somehow, none of this meant anything to me.

God. damn. s/he/me/it.

Whatever.

I did eventually go to school for a quarter. I even passed Math. That was a first for me. I wasn’t allowed to take advanced English in school because I was in remedial math. The schedule wouldn’t work.

Anyway, the essays didn’t pour out. The page requirements were horrifying.. I wrote so many essays and deleted them before I finally forced myself to settle and just print one out so I could turn it in. My hardass college English professor asked me to join her Honors class.

I didn’t.

I dropped out of school because I needed a job and no one wanted to hire me with such a crazy full-time schedule and I desperately needed a job because I needed rent so I could have a home. I didn’t have a goal in college anyway. I never had goals or career dreams so going to school was just so that I didn’t feel like uneducated trash.

anyway. That’s how I stopped writing anything besides sporadic journal entries a few times a year.

I had a real gift. I really did. I was touched by a muse and but I am grown from a dry neglected patch of dirt. I was a mistake and I never should have been born. but I was blessed for some reason.

and I threw it away for some abusive assholes. But hey.. that’s what daddy issues do to a girl. I guess.

I’m sure it’s a hundred percent my fault after a certain age.

I am an empty Snickers wrapper. on the side of the road.

My therapist said I should think positively.

I am a recycled snickers wrapper. Now I’m just a housewife. I learned to cook and clean and do laundry and I don’t write but he doesn’t hurt me. Emotionally or physically. I have a home and a kitty and I don’t have to see my abusive ex-husband except when we meet to transfer my son from one house to another. He has full custody by the way.. He really fucked me over mentally. but that’s another problem for another day. I’ll write it out on mothers day.

Won’t that be fun?

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ijustwannabeasuperhero · 3 years

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A Sneak Peak

Gooooooood Morning, Seattle! Today is March 19th, and, if my weather app can be believed, we’ve got about twenty minutes of rain before it’s clear skies. But you aren’t here for the weather, are you? Heck no you aren’t. You are here for some of that sweet, sweet unfettered superhero journalism that I provide to you for the low, low cost of my dignity. Also, if you want to support me, there’s a link to my Patreon and my Ko-Fi account down below.

For the first time in almost 20 years, Seattle, Washington has hit a golden era of peace and quiet. Last month, our very own Seattle native hero, Legend took down the tragically named Mad Mongrel, the latest in a long string of B-list supervillains that are more costume than competition. Mongrel’s court case will be later this month and you can bet that I will cover absolutely everything about it. I just hope I don’t put you to sleep. Because, so far as I can tell, Mad Mongrel’s long list of crimes includes—lemme check my notes here—freeing animals from a science lab and terrifying a class of small children by opening the cage of their classroom lizard.

…yay?

It’s not that I’m advocating for someone like Madam Pain (that costume, am I right?) or that iconic brother-sister robbing duo the Double Dare to show up. Or even someone of Doctor Heath’s caliber, mind you. I am perfectly fine living in a city where we only have to worry about the normal kinds of crime. I’m just saying that it seems weird that despite this long list of underwhelming villains, our local OSI—Office of Superhuman Intelligence for those who have been living under a rock—is trying to take on a new superhero?

I mean, on the one hand I get it. Seattle is pretty much the super capital of the world. We have the super-powered dream team; The Paragons, which is already composed of the most powerful super hero ever born, his long term psionically girlfriend, a super scientist, and a techno-assassin. We don’t really need a new hero, do we?

The eggheads at OSI have released a public statement that they are moving forward with filling the vacated seat of Void, a long-time member of the team that, well, you all know the story. Dude went and threw a dude off the OSI building. And not just any dude, oh no. He went and obliterated Daniel Walker, beloved millionaire and philanthropist. While the internet is filled with conspiracy theories about Void being mind controlled, a clone, or it was an accident gone horribly, no one really knows what happened or how. Void, who can literally turn into shadow, has been impossible to find.

Dude, if you have a comment, send it my way.

Anyway, the short list of heroes who could fill Void’s spot is… well… short? Everyone knows that there aren’t all that many superheroes out there. Oh, there are heroes, of course. But most of them are highly trained combatants. More hero than super. For a while there, it seemed like Prism was going to take Void’s place, but, after a severe accident, she’s taken early retirement. Very early, considering she’s, at best, twenty-five.

My vote is for Gamma. Have you seen her? Someone please give her my number. She could step on me and I would cry tears of gratitude. See pictures for proof. That she’s hot, not that I want her to step on me. On a completely unrelated note, someone please delete my browsing history when I die. I’m already a disappointment to my family as it is.

Gamma’s powers are a near match to Legends. Her released backstory says that she was blasted with some kind of radiation while in utero, which makes her a rare “I was born this way” kind of super. She uses gamma energy to create nearly impenetrable force fields around her body, can keep up with Olympian track stars, and can punch her way through a brick wall. See the video link below for proof.

Seriously though, Gamma has been working with the South-Eastern branch of the Office of Superhuman Intelligence. She currently the big fish in Virginia and North Carolina, taking on some pretty impressive villains while wearing a very form-fitting sapphire blue ensemble. The Queen of Hearts was the most recent and most noteworthy. Though, if we are still talking about people, I would be a-okay with being stepped on…

One day I will go to a therapist and find out why I have a thing for long-legged ladies in skin tight outfits treating me like the welcome mat, but today is not that day.

What do you think? Which hero do you think we ought to offer the coveted spot on The Paragon team? Agent 7 of New York City? Miami’s El Toro? Comet? What about Madam Mercury or Quake? Leave a comment down below! I love hearing every idea and theory you guys throw at me, no matter how wild.

If you are as into skin tight beauties as I am and want more superhero content feel free to like and subscribe. I update Tuesdays and Thursdays regardless of what is going on in the world. And I live update on my Twitter when things are. If you would like to save me from crippling student loan debt, maybe click on that Ko-Fi link and send a few dollars my way. See ya Thursday, Crusaders!

#Romance #drabble #sneak peak #superhero #superhero romance #indie author

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allenmendezsr · 4 years

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3 Minute Meditations

New Post has been published on https://autotraffixpro.app/allenmendezsr/3-minute-meditations/

3 Minute Meditations

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Get ready to experience the simplest, gentlest 28-day jumpstart to the life-changing practice of meditation for beginners. I’m going to teach you the number one secret to have more peace, tranquility and balance in your life. It is doable, realistic, time-friendly and all-inclusive and will provide you with physical, mental and emotional harmony.

Before I tell you more about the PROVEN meditation techniques that have changed the outlook of meditation for thousands of people around the world, I am going to reveal the 3 most common barriers you are facing that are stopping you from getting the peace of mind and anxiety-free living that you deserve.

Your mind is just too busy to sit still for extended periods of time.

Let me tell you something my friend, join the club. Millions of people all across the planet suffer from the syndrome “I-Can’t-Sit-Still-itis”. We live in a society that has us over-stimulated on every level…cell phones, iPads, computers, tvs, billboards, car radios and the list goes on. It’s no wonder you can’t quiet your mind and sit still for any period of time.

That’s why we’re going to start you with baby steps. I’m not going to ask you to sit for 10, 20 or 30 minutes when you first begin. That’s like asking someone who struggles to drink one glass of water a day, to drink in excess of eight glasses a day. That’s a recipe for failure. Your body and your mind would rebel against this.

To find success, you would encourage the person to begin by drinking perhaps 3 glasses a day, then slowly increasing the amount as they found comfort. Likewise, since you’re probably struggling to sit still at all, I’m simply going to ask you to meditate for only 180 seconds a day. That’s right, 180 seconds a day! Once you realize, “Hey, I can do this!”, naturally and gradually you may begin to add time.

Get ready, I am about to show you a very unique and doable approach for beginning to meditate.

You can’t fit it into your already super busy schedule.

Listen, these days, if you’re anything like me, you’ve got a gazillion things that seem to demand your time. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. The crazy thing, is that today, our society makes us feel like we’ve always got to be doing, doing, doing.

At some point, though, if you’re always doing, doing, doing, and going, going, going…you’re going to hit a breaking point. I know I certainly did!

Each and everyone of us, myself included can find 3 minutes a day to meditate…it’s that simple. I’m here to tell you from personal experience, it’s imperative that you do. Your life depends on it.

Here’s the truth though (just in case you think it’s a waste of time), simply by taking a few short minutes a day to sit and be still, to refuel yourself, you will become that much more productive and present when you’re doing what you’re doing, whether it’s working, playing, studying, or loving 🙂

You’ll discover the most efficient and effective way to get the most out of your meditation time.

You want to start meditating but don’t know how and don’t want to spend lots of money to learn.

You’ve probably heard it said before, but it’s the starts that stop people. Just breaking the inertia that keeps us from getting from where we are to where we hope to be is very challenging for just about everybody. Truthfully there is a ton of information out there about how to begin meditating, it’s just that a lot of it can be confusing and/or expensive.

It’s time to put an end to this, let’s get you off the blocks!

As it relates to getting into the wonderful world of meditation, if you’re tired of feeling like you’re spinning your wheels and getting nowhere fast, then keep reading and you will find the SOLUTION you have been longing for. It’s easy to understand, simple to do and super inexpensive!

I want to let you know that all of the above barriers are NOT YOUR FAULT, BUT YOU NEED TO SET THE GAME UP TO WIN!

EVERYONE IS CAPABLE OF SITTING CALMLY IN MEDITATION

And you don’t need to be a spiritual aspirant, monk or mystic to get it.

YOU are capable of doing this! I doubted myself when I first started as well. But I finally figured out what I was doing wrong.

Once I learned the proper way to really meditate and create stillness of mind and body, I became doubtless.

Now I get to share it with you.

YOU can have the peace of mind you have always wanted. Believe in yourself and just follow what I am about to show you.

Follow it to the exact letter and I guarantee you will be on your way to a life filled with peace, positivity, vitality and connectivity.

These 3 barriers are STOPPING you from getting the life you’ve been longing for. It’s time to make a change.

I’ve created a NEW cutting-edge version of my practice, what I call 3-Minute Meditations. They are for beginners or folks short on time. They are super-short, super-simple, uncomplicated introductions to the art and science of meditation. With these breakthrough methods, you’ll be well on your way to getting all the benefits of meditation while sitting about 1/10th of the time of other programs.

3-Minute Meditations is guaranteed to lead you to incredible results if you practice daily. And the best part is it only takes 180 seconds a day.

3-Minute Meditations is built around 7 guided audio meditations/visualizations systematically utilized throughout the four weeks. These include Intentional, Oneness, Mantra, Forgiveness, Mindfulness, Heart & Healing meditations/visualizations.

With a simple, intentional, easy-to-implement practice, you’ll witness an increase in peace, joy & gratitude and a decrease in stress, anxiety & overwhelm in your life.

You Get All Of This…

Component 1:

The 3MM Book and 28-Day Challenge ($19 Value)

I’ve written a book called 3-Minute Meditations where I simplify and demystify the life-changing transformational technology of mediation and I’ve made it doable for everybody.

In this 32 page primer on the 2500 year old practice of meditation, you’re going to learn what meditation is, the 12 top effects you’ll experience, the 4 different types of brain waves and how to access them, as well as the 3 keys to success.

Within the book I’ve created a 28-Day Meditation Challenge where I ask you, the reader, to sit and meditate using the techniques I provide, for just 3 minutes a day for 28 days straight. That’s right you heard me correctly, just 3 minutes a day!

Sound like something you can do? I bet it does! And I’m quite confident that if you do, you’ll be hooked and you will be taking your first step on the journey of a lifetime.

If you’ve ever wanted to meditate, this is your opportunity to get in the game, my friend.

Component 2:

3-Minute Meditations “Done-For-You” Audio Accelerator Package

Get Even FASTER RESULTS! ($27 Value)

Because you have chosen to take action today, your order includes 9 follow-along, guided AUDIO meditations, which are systematically practiced during the 28-day meditation challenge contained within the 3-Minute Meditations book. These are quick and easy audios with relaxing, soothing music in the background. They include Intentional, Oneness, Contemplative, Existential, Mantra, Forgiveness, Mindfulness, Heart & Healing meditations/visualizations.

You can download them as mp3s so you can listen to them anywhere… at home, in your car, when you’re on a run, or in between getting your coffee and getting to the office. All you have to do is push play and get in the flow!

Component 3:

Joyful Living Journal ($19 Value)

In component 3, the Joyful Living Journal, you’ll have the opportunity to consciously cultivate more gratitude and joy in your life over the course of 28 Days.

This is the perfect companion to the 28-Day meditation challenge you’ll go through in the 3-Minute Meditations book.

Each day I will provide you with 2 thought-provoking questions for you to ponder and write about.

All of this is done to afford you the opportunity to get to know YOU better than you ever imagined. From this space of self-awareness, you will be better able to begin living a joyful, grateful life.

BONUS 1:

Secrets For Meditation Success Videos ($27 Value)

When it comes to meditating, there are certain practices you can do BEFORE you begin that will greatly increase your chances of enjoying the experience. In these 2 videos Adam Michael Brewer gives you insider secrets for meditation success.

Video 1 – Finding your spot to meditate and relaxation exercises

Video 2 – How to sit to meditate

BONUS 2:

“Done For You” Meditation X(tended) Pack ($47 Value)

Ready to sit longer than 3 minutes? Then this is what you’re looking for.

An additional 10-guided audio meditations of extended lengths where Adam Michael Brewer leads you through four 5-minute Mindfulness Meditations, three Intentional Meditations (5 min, 10 min & 15 min) and three Oneness Meditations (5 min, 10 min & 15 min).

That’s an additional 2 HOURS worth of guided audio meditations!

Once the 28-Day Challenge is completed, THE RESULTS WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!

Be far more patient with your loved ones so that you can have a deep meaningful relationship with the people you care about most.

Feel comfortable in all situations so that you can go to all cocktail parties, social gatherings, banquets, meetings without feeling anxiety, sweaty palms and pitting out.

Have greater energy levels throughout the day so that you can be more productive at work, do the things you love doing, and just keep going and going and going.

Save money on a therapist or medications so that you can take the vacation you’ve always dreamed of, go to the restaurants you love, and save for your future.

Become less likely to suffer from anxiety attacks so that you can take full control of your life, dominate your path and become the best version of you ever!

AND MUCH MUCH MORE!

Just imagine enjoying all these benefits simply by sitting down and being still for

ONLY 3 MINUTES A DAY!

TESTIMONIALS

“Adam!!! I want to share my immense gratitude to you for sharing 3 Minute Meditations and the 28 Day Meditation Challenge. I have been meditating for years, but NEVER consistently. Now, by putting into practice a daily 3 minute meditation, I am able to meditate daily, sometimes multiple times daily, and often for longer amounts of time. Shifts in perspective, peace of mind, and HUGE new opportunities are entering my life… MIRACLES!

Meditation is such an important spiritual tool and I feel like you’ve given me such a huge gift. I’m forever grateful.…AMAZING!!! THANK YOU!!! I AM BBD!”

Beth Bloom

Los Angeles, CA

“3 Minute Meditations provided an easy to follow introduction to meditation. Adding three minutes of meditation to my routine has been relaxing, energizing, and grounding. It has become regular part of my day that I will enthusiastically continue.

I would highly recommend it for anyone looking for a systematic method of learning to implement daily meditation. Amazing how just three minutes of meditation can be so energizing! Ready to go workout! Thank you for including me, Adam!”

Julie R. Schulte, MA, CCC-A

Zionsville, Indiana

“Thank you Adam for giving me just what I needed to start a meditation practice. I have heard and read for years about the benefits of meditation, but always found excuses not to try, or would try and not stay consistent. When I read about the 3 minute format, I thought to myself, “now that’s something can do”. Within the first week I was naturally craving to sit longer, and am now meditating daily. Something I have always wanted to do for myself, I am now doing.

I have developed a daily ritual I look forward to which nourishes me. I truly see the value in developing this practice even more deeply, and you were just what I needed to get started. Thank you again! Namaste.”

Jennifer McKinney

Los Angeles, CA

“As a freelance television producer working sometimes 60+ hours a week while juggling my teenage daughter’s schedule and trying not to neglect my husband, my days are almost always stressful! So when Adam offered the 28-day-meditation challenge to sit for three minutes a day, I seized the opportunity to incorporate the practice into my life.

I am thrilled to report that during the challenge, I was better able to deal with tense situations and difficult people. My anxiety levels have most definitely dropped (see ya Xanax). Once the challenge ended, I have continued my practice and extended my meditation time. I would highly recommend Three Minute Meditations to anyone who is interested in exploring meditation but isn’t sure how to begin – the practice has truly added value to my life (and by extension, the lives I touch on a daily basis). Having Adam as my guide into this practice has been a real blessing, and I believe that his unique perspective and approach has the potential to so many people who, like me, find themselves overwhelmed by the demands of the multi-tasking, fast-paced world in which we live.”

Leslie Lindsey Ward

Santa Monica, CA

“The depth of my gratitude is simply boundless. Today was day 28 of the 28 day meditation challenge for me. I have practiced various forms of meditation, prayer, chanting since the mid to late 80’s and where I have always struggled was keeping a daily practice truly daily for more than a few weeks. The 3 minute meditations made it so easy for me to really commit this time. I love having the various guided meditations. I love setting my intention and creating a field of gratitude.

I have had more sustained peace and joy over the past 28 days than I can really ever remember. Or maybe simply I have come to know a greater depth of the peace and joy and gratitude and it stays with me throughout the day. When it doesn’t, I simply give myself the time to use the tools from this program to center myself again and come back to that attitude of gratitude. As I celebrate completing the 28 day challenge, I also look forward to sustaining my practice and continuing on the path of spiritual progress, health, healing and happiness.

I’ve heard it said that at the moment of commitment, the entire Universe conspires to assist you. My thanks to the Universe for bringing me to this program. Adam, this was exactly what I needed. Thank you!”

Dave Drezner

“I recently finished my 28 day challenge and all I can say is how appreciative I am for having been given this most amazing gift. I feel so much calmer and more connected than I ever have. I have also been dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil lately – aging and ill parents that could send anyone into a tailspin, but with the tools Adam has provided, I have been able to keep calm, breathe and move forward without losing it!

Thank you Adam for blessing me with a gift I didn’t even know I needed or wanted. I am so grateful to have met you and I look forward to learning and growing with your guidance and support. I am actually going to do the challenge again using the guided meditation-excited to see where that takes me!!”

Kathy Donovan

Los Angeles, CA

“As a 46 year old trying to balance work and family life, I found the 3 minute meditation to be a great stress reliever. 3MM provides big impact for such a small commitment of time and is very easy to do. I recommend it for anyone who is looking to improve the quality of their lives.”

Dan Schuman

Cleveland, OH

“The 3 Minute Meditations book takes you thru a 28 day journey, enveloping the core of all things life has to offer, opening our minds into accepting all the goodness there is within ourselves and others. You can do these 3 minute meditations anywhere at anytime with ease. These 3 minutes a day can really change your life!”

Janae Brand

Marina Del Rey, CA

“Before I even go into my kitchen in the morning —before I enter the chaos and look at my schedule for the day, I stay in my room and do my 3 minutes of meditation and it just seems to get me focused for my day—it energizes me and makes me very positive and ready take on the challenge. I try very hard to do it again in the evening and it just helps me to breathe out all of the chaos of the day!!

Thank you Adam for helping me de-stress!!”

Leigh Ann Oberski

Toledo, OH

“I tried both morning and evening and found I prefer the evening/night. I do it as a part of getting ready for bed and I find it helps me relax, unwind and sleep happy. Thank you Adam!”

Jennifer Stump

Marina Del Rey, CA

“Due to my mommy and work schedule I have been using your 3-minute meditations in the morning, mid day or at night. Ideally the morning is best, but if it was a high intensity day, night is amazing to wind down with a 3MM. Mid day actually has been great for me too, if business just gets a lil hectic. It’s good to take that time to release and regroup.

My goal is to get it to the same time everyday as many days as possible. All in all its brilliant for me so far. Muah AMB!!! Thank you for this beautification!”

Shaina Fast

Los Angeles, CA

“I want to call your attention to Adam Michael Brewer. He has launched his ebook on meditation. The peace that is over this guy can only described as heaven sent. He is truly centered and has taught me through example how to ascend.

I can’t stress enough the benefits of meditation. It doesn’t take a lot of time and its not a difficult thing to do but his book will show you how. Please, please, hit him up and he’ll advise you how to join his group and obtain his book. – be blessed!!!”

Scott A. Williams

Los Angeles, CA

Biography

Hi, I’m Adam Michael Brewer; meditation guide, wellness coach and mind/body specialist. I live in Playa Del Rey, CA with my partner Liz and our son Skye. Simply put, meditation has been the greatest gift I have ever given myself. In short, it was a serious Game-Changer. It found it’s way into my life back in 2003 at a time when I desperately needed to find solid ground in my life.

I’ve been practicing meditation for the last 15 years and have been teaching it to others for the last 3 years. I can’t wait to share it with you too. Very soon you will learn the secret to living with more joy, peace of mind and greater vitality than you’ve ever imagined.

PRICING

What are you waiting for? You’ve come this far and you’re just one click away from experiencing this life-changing program!

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Q & A’s

Q. Will this program work if I’m in my 40’s and 50’s?A. Yes, the beautiful part about this program is that it works at any age.

Q. I’ve been meditating for years, just not consistently. Will this be for me? A. YES!!! The real benefits of meditation are felt and experienced through daily meditation. I intentionally picked a length of time for the meditation that anyone can fit into their days, whether you’ve been at this before, but it didn’t stick or this is your first time.

Q. What if I already have a consistent meditation practice? A. That is completely fine. Consider this another option for when you are time crunched… kind of like meditation-to-go!

Q. I’m not religious. Does this technique have any particular religious affiliation? A. This practice is not affiliated with any religion. It is for anyone… whether you’re religious, spiritual or anywhere in between.

Q. Is 3 minutes of meditation really enough to get results?A. Absolutely!!! Just look at some of the testimonials to hear about the results people got whether or not they had meditated before or had never tried it. The best part about it being 3 minutes is that it allows you to create a HABIT. What most people experience is that they eventually, if not very quickly, love the feeling and they naturally want to sit longer. 🙂

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