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hops-hunny · 3 years

Text

Stories That Are Told

Pairing: Tarrant “Hatter” Hightopp x Reader

Pronouns: She/Her

Word Count: 2.2k

Summary: (Y/n)’s so used to being the background character in everyone’s story that she forget she can be the main character in her own.

Warnings: Slight angst but majority fluff!

A/N: I love this man with my whole being omg pls

Stumbling into Wonderland with Alice had been a wonderful thing for not only Alice, but (Y/n) as well. For Alice it was an escape from all the things she didn’t wanna do and would never wanna do. She wasn’t forced to marry some sod of a guy who’d make her miserable for the rest of her life or to be the proper lady she was expected to be, but instead she got a taste of freedom. And although it was an escape for (Y/n) as well, it was an escape of a different kind.

In the other world, with it’s dreary skies and monotonous patterns and cycles, (Y/n) lived a very humdrum life. Her family had never been as fortunate as Alice in any ways of the sorts, it was a miracle that they were friends to begin with. Alice’s father had been friends with (Y/n)’s since boyhood and because of that, he always made sure they knew they were welcome to anything of his that they wished. And while (Y/n)’s father had never taken advantage of that from the way Alice’s mother treated (Y/n) and her family, it wouldn’t be hard to think otherwise.

When Charles was still around, she hadn’t done anything out of line. The older woman always kept to herself, occasionally having an afternoon cup of tea with her own mom. However, her true colors and feelings came to light after the passing of her husband. During the next few months after her husband’s absence, the (L/n)s were there for Kingsleighs. Although they didn’t have the funds to help them monetarily (for they also didn’t need it), they offered their labor and services to the two as much as they needed. Farm work, house cleaning, garden maintenance. Anything you could think they had done. But as soon as Helen was well (as well as you could be after losing someone so dear) , she had forbid them from coming to their property. She didn’t believe her and Alice should associate with people of “such low stature” because it didn’t “align with their image”. But that had never stopped Alice.

Anywhere Alice went, (Y/n) was always there by her side right along with her. They practically went everywhere together and that hadn’t changed since they arrived in Wonderland. (Y/n) was grateful that she had chased after her friend. It was like she knew something would happen. Afterall, crazy things always happen when you put two curious girls together for more than a moment. The friends they had made since they arrived were nothing short of lovely. She knew her sister would describe them as odd characters and disturbing individuals. Telling her to stay far away from them and to not associate herself with those types. But what was wrong with being odd or even disturbing? The only things worth doing in life were a bit odd and disturbing and if that made her peculiar than so be it.

For the first time in her life, she felt as though she belonged. Sure, it wasn’t her story nor her destiny to be here as it was Alice but that did not mean she did not appreciate Wonderland for what it was. The story had never been her story, not here, and certainly not where they were from. Alice was the main chat and she was the topic that would get trickled in after.

“Everyone has a part to play, (Y/n). Even if it is not large or as set in stone, each person’s role is necessary for the story to progress, even yours. You’ll see.” the words of that tricky caterpillar replayed in her head over and over again whenever she had a moment to think. What had he meant by that? Was her story not more than to be here in support of her dearest friend and the latest edition to their friends? Was she not just a tool in the scheme of things? (Y/n) had never known people of lesser importance as herself to contribute much of anything big to a legacy as large as Alice’s!

From her end of the table, she watched as Hatter threw his hat high into the air before it landed on his head causing everyone to erupt in a jostled mess of laughter and cheering. She smiled fondly from a far. Tarrant was a kind man. No matter what was going on or where they were, he always had a way of making her feel included. That’s just who he was. He had known what it was like to feel excluded from things and the last thing he’d wanna do is be the cause of that for someone else. But it was nothing more than his nature, that’s it.

“You know, you should just tell him how you feel.” a velvety voice sounded from beside her ear causing her to jump. The (h/c) haired girl glared at the purple cat, reaching a hand to swat him away but he disappeared once more before appearing on her other side. “He watches you often, even when there is not many around to see. But I always do of course.” The Cheshire cat said in a sure tell tone. The girl scoffed at him, shoving another small pastry into her mouth.

“I’m not in the mood for one of your jokes today, cat. So if you’ve come to mock my feelings during my 2nd to last day in Wonderland, I wish you well and send you off.” she huffed out, crossing her arms across her chest, turning her gaze away from him back to Tarrant who was already looking at her. The Hatter gave her a secret wink and a smile before turning back to the March Hare who seemed rather frazzled about something. Or perhaps excited. But once again, the grinning cat appeared in front of her face once more.

“Silly girl, you ignore the plain truth in front of you? I can see why you and Alice get along so well, both of you can be quite foolish. Oh well, the story isn’t over yet after all.” and with that he was gone. What did he mean by that? The story was clearly over. Alice had done what she set out to do. The Jabberwocky had been slain, the White Queen ruled once again, and all had been made well. And what was with everyone with stories? Not everything you can do will always be a story and not every story comes to an end. She decided not to dwell much on it. This was her last night she’d ever spend in Wonderland and she’d rather like to keep it in good memory.

So when the White Queen offered her a hand to dance she took it, their dresses swaying in the wind in oppositional unison. They all danced with one another, twirling, laughing, and having a grand time. The entire time the smile never once left (Y/n)’s face which a certain hatted man enjoyed with all his being.

--------------------------------------------

“I can’t believe you’re leaving today. It seems as if it was only yesterday when you arrived.” the girl swiveled around to see the red head there, a bittersweet smile on his face. His smile grew once she turned to face him. Removing his hat, he bowed as he grabbed one of her hands placing a delicate kiss to the top of it. “I am delighted to have known a woman as graceful as you.” hot tears sprung into her eyes which she quickly got rid of before he stood up. Giggling some she hopped onto the large sit swing, motioning for him to join her.

“Don’t get sad yet, Hatter. I’ve still got a few hours left. You can’t rid of me that easily.” he joined her on the swing, a wide grin still on his face. Although it was partly real, she could tell there was some sadness lingering behind it. (Y/n) turned her gaze to the sight in front of them. From the large benched swing, you could see just about all of wonderland over the edge of the cliff. “Besides, there’s not much to miss. I’m just me.”

“And ‘just you’ is a lot! I’ll miss everything about you. The way you mimic the bird calls you hear, the way you get excited when the rock you skipped across the water goes further than you imagined,” she looked at him in shock as he continued to speak, “E-even the smaller things like how you leave the crust of your sandwich for last and give your crumbs to the ants. But I think more importantly I’ll...I’ll just miss your presence.” he said the last part softly, staring off the edge of the cliff to avoid her gaze. A million thoughts raced through her heads as he spoke. Could it really be? Could he really share the same feelings as she did? (Y/n) reached a shaky (s/c) hand to lay on top of Hatter’s pale one, intertwining their fingers.

“Hatter, I've got something to tell you. During my time here in Wonderland, I’ve enjoyed every second I’ve had with everyone. But more importantly, I’ve enjoyed my time so much with you and I believe it’s only fair to share with you that my feelings I have for you go beyond those of normal friendship. I guess you can say I’ve grown...quite mad for you.” his head whipped to face her as he stared into her eyes, tears welling within his own. He flashed her another smile except this one was genuine, filled with the love and warmth he had shown her the entirety of her time in Wonderland.

“(Y/n)! Alice sent me to fetch you. I’m afraid it’s time for the two of you to head back.”

-----------------------------

After a lot of shedded tears, heartfelt speeches, and goodbyes that were nothing short of wholesome, it was time for the two to head home. Alice patted (Y/n)’s shoulder before holding her arm out for her to grab. As they neared the portal, (Y/n) turned around once more to stare at her friends but when she got to Tarrant, her heart began to break. The gaze they held with one another was long until she simply couldn’t take it. Without thinking she ran up to him once more, grabbing his shoulders tightly.

“Hatter, Tarrant, I need to know how you feel. I couldn’t live with myself if I left and never knew.” he shook his head, looking away from her as he tried to stop the waterworks that were withheld behind the dam. Hot tears streamed down the delicate skin of the girl’s face. “Hatter...please.” her voice was broken as she begged.

“I believe I wasn’t honest myself either. I am completely enamored by you, my dear. I wish I had said something sooner but even though I couldn’t, I’ll always hold a special place for you in here.” he said, placing a hand over his heart. Standing on the tips of her toes, she leaned forward placing a quick peck to his cheek.

“What if it isn’t too late? What if I stayed?” she started, watching as he shook his head, “Hatter listen! You may think I’d regret if I stay but I think I would regret even more not following my heart the first time it’s ever tried to tell me something. Nothing would make me happier than staying here with you...that is if you’d allow it.” a silence fell over as everyone awaited his answer. Without another thought Hatter leaned down, pressing his lips to hers. The kiss was soft and sweet. Filled with a silent promise, a silent vow to care for her as deeply as his heart will allow.

“I do not know what I did to get so lucky, but I would do it again if needed.” she felt herself grow flustered at his words. A quick peck was placed on his lips before walking over to Alice once again. The blonde had tears of her own in her eyes. She was glad her friend had found something to fight for, something to call her own. But also for the first time in many years, they would not see each other everyday as they once did. They both stared at each other before throwing themselves into each other's arms, laughing in unison as bittersweet tears fell.

“Good luck. Make sure you put your foot down. You’re Alice! You listen to no one and march to no one’s drum but your own.” Alice gave her a curt nod.

“Take care. We’ll meet again, do not doubt it.”

Although Alice’s story had seemingly come to an end, it seemed as though (Y/n)’s story was just beginning. For once she wasn’t the side character in someone’s tale, but the main character in her own.

TAGSLIST: @de4ds0up @pink-hufflepuff @redpanda-poetry

#hatter #alice in wonderland #hatter x reader #tarrant hightopp #tarrant hightopp x reader #mad hatter x reader #alice in wonderland x reader #hatter hightopp x reader

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animeomegas · 3 years

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Imagine that Sasuke is having problems with his 'future alpha', he doesn't understand some dating methods and ends up 'reluctantly' going to ask Itachi's alpha.He just blushed saying 'I can't believe I'm doing this but I need some advice'.Itachi's alpha comes home late looking happy and Itachi holding his dog asking where he's been.

Anon: I think Sasuke would only start liking Itachi's alpha after they help him stand up to a bigger, stronger, more trained betas and/or Alphas. Because I don't see him as someone who might ask for help from anyone, and his brother's alpha somehow saw them bully him and push him around, so they tell him how to one up those annoying people. (Maybe buy him ice cream or something after). This young Sasuke vs Itachi's alpha thing should be a show, because I'd sell everything I own to watch it.

(Anon 1: This is a big brain idea, anon, thank you for your service 🤭 I changed it a little, how that's okay!)

(Anon 2: I think you're absolutely right that Itachi's alpha does something big for Sasuke when he's at a low point, and it ends up changing their relationship for the better in a lot of ways. I decided not to go with bullying though, because Sasuke seemed to fit this scenario moreso. Also, ahhh, I'm so happy you're liking this mini series!!!!! I'm having so much fun writing it and it fills me with joy that other people are enjoying it just as much!!!)

...

Okay, so, Sasuke has never been the most intuitive when it comes to emotions. And he’s also never been great at acknowledging or learning about culture surround a/b/o dynamics because he’s always been adamant that he doesn’t care for it or need it.

But now Sasuke is starting to think that may have been a mistake. Because things are going wrong with this whole courting situation (that Sasuke still can’t believe is happening to him.)

Things were fine! But now the alpha courting him is getting colder and not wanting to train as much, and Sasuke doesn’t know what’s changed! He’s angry and upset about it.

He’s been brooding for about a week about the whole situation, but now he’s decided to ask someone for advice.

His friends are useless. His mother just laughed and told him it would work out if it was supposed to. Shisui is on a mission. He’d rather die than ask Kakashi sensei. So, unfortunately, he had to ask his brother, even though he was sure to get some embarrassing and invasive questioning from him. The sadist.

So, he goes to see his brother.

Who isn’t there.

His brother’s alpha tells him that Itachi is out with their pup all day running errands and taking him for his bi yearly check-ups. But Sasuke needs to know what’s going wrong and how to fix this now! He doesn't have time to wait for Itachi to be done with his stupid errands!

His brother’s alpha notices how tense he is and asks if he would like to stay for some tea, and Sasuke accepts before he thinks about what he's doing. Their relationship is much better nowadays but Sasuke can’t help but feel a little awkward around them still.

…

“Here,” they say, sliding two teacups onto the table. “You like green tea, right? It’s the only type we have in, you know what Itachi’s like with tea.”

“Green tea is fine,” Sasuke says politely if a little stiff.

His brother’s alpha sits down at the other side of the couch with their own tea, and the two sit in silence for a bit, each sipping their own tea

“Sasuke,” they say, shooting him a concerned look. “If you need me to go and get Itachi, I can. You don’t look well, he’ll come back in an instant if you ask him to.”

“No,” Sasuke answers quickly. “It’s fine… I…”

Here goes nothing.

“I’m just having a bit of trouble at the moments, is all, and…”

Itachi’s alpha nods, obviously listening intently with a look of concern on his face that is making this both harder and easier for Sasuke at the same time.

“Go on, Sasuke, I’m listening.”

“I’m sure Itachi told you about my… my er situation,” Sasuke starts, wishing he could punch himself in the face for phrasing it like that.

“That someone’s courting you?” they ask gently.

Sasuke only nods, face burning. He can’t count the number of times he’s told Itachi’s alpha to their face that he’d rather die than enter a courtship. This is so awkward, why is he doing this?

“Did they do something to make you uncomfortable, Sasuke?” they ask immediately after seeing his hesitance. “Because if they did, we can sort it out together okay? It’s not your fault.”

“No!” Sasuke immediately protests far louder than he intended too. “They didn’t… They didn’t do anything, I just… I think I did something wrong…”

Sasuke pretends to drink his tea to avoid having to elaborate any more, despite the fact that it’s still too hot.

“What did you do that was wrong?” they ask, voice still quiet and soothing and Sasuke hates how comforting he finds it. Like it or not, his instincts had branded Itachi’s alpha as ‘safe’ many years ago.

“I don’t know,” Sasuke admits, fiddling with the rim of his cup. “They seemed sad one day and I just thought they had a bad day or something, but now they’re… cold.”

“They aren’t behaving how they were behaving before?”

Sasuke shakes his head.

“Is it possible they have an issue at home or with some of their friends? It might be something in their personal life that's upsetting them.”

Sasuke shakes his head again.

“They seem fine when they’re with everyone else…” he admits. “It’s just me.”

Sasuke forces back the burn of tears he can feel behind his eyes. He will not cry. He won’t do it.

His brother’s alpha hums sadly.

“And you want to figure out what happened?” Sasuke nods. “Okay, why don’t you walk me through what happened on the days leading up to the mood change.”

And so Sasuke does.

He tells them all about how they would meet for training every day and Sasuke would bring two bento boxes for lunch, and then they would sometimes go shopping or go out to eat. Things he hasn’t told anyone about yet. And as he's talking, he really can't see what the problem is, everything seems fine! But maybe Itachi’s alpha might know some alpha thing that he doesn't. Sasuke can easily admit that it’s not his forte.

“I see,” Itachi’s alpha says after Sasuke had finished his story. Sasuke’s tea sits cold on the table next to his brother’s mate’s empty cup. “I think I know what happened.”

Sasuke looks up immediately. No way they’ve already figured it out that easily!

“They thought you were rejecting them,” Itachi’s alpha says simply.

“Wha- But…we spent everyday together! How could that be a rejection?!”

“When an alpha is courting an omega,” they start to explain. “They’re trying as hard as they can to prove to that omega that they can be a good mate.”

“I know that,” Sasuke snaps.

“Listen to me for a second, Sasuke," they softly reprimand. "So, when an alpha, particularly a younger one, is courting an omega, they are very sensitive to rejection, they look for it everywhere.”

“Why?” Sasuke asks, dumbfounded.

“Well, when I was courting your brother, we weren’t that much older than you are now, and I remember thinking that he was the most perfect person in the whole world,” their eyes take on a faraway look as they reminisce. “I was so sure that he must have had hundreds of alphas clawing for his attention every day, and so I was desperate to prove to him that I could be a good mate.

“With every gift, on every date, I would watch his reaction to everything, overanalysing every laugh and smile and frown. I loved him so much, but I couldn’t help but think that he would reject me at any moment. He was too good for me, and I knew that. It always felt like he was humouring me, especially at first.”

“That’s stupid.”

“Yeah,” they laugh, unoffended by Sasuke’s harsh tone. “Looking back, I guess it was, but what I’m trying to tell you, is that I can see how some of your actions could have been taken as rejection by a young alpha who was expecting to be rejected.”

“But…” Sasuke says, looking lost. “I didn’t want to reject them, I don’t understand.”

“Here,” they continue patiently. “Let me explain it to you like this. When you went out to eat, you paid for yourself even though they offered, right? Because you didn't want to burden them?"

“Yeah,” Sasuke trails off, unsure what that has to do with anything.

“But to a young, hormonal alpha, you’re basically telling them that you don’t trust them to provide for you, the one thing they are trying most to convince you."

“But I wasn’t-“ Sasuke protests.

“I know you weren’t,” they reassure him. “But that’s the sort of thing that will run through an alpha’s head at that age when courting. Also, you told them you wanted to train with them because you thought they were strong because you wanted to compliment them, right?”

Sasuke blushes but nods.

“And that’s great to start with, but eventually they would probably start to wonder why you wouldn’t want to train just to spend time with them. And you also told them that you had plenty of leftovers to make their lunch with so that they wouldn’t feel like they were burdening you, right? But that just made them feel like you weren’t going out of your way to do something special for them, even though you were. Do you see what I mean now?”

Sasuke blinks, rapidly trying to wrap his head around all this new information.

“And I also have a guess as to what pushed them over the edge into thinking you were rejecting them.”

“What is it?” Sasuke demands. “Tell me.”

“Did they make that scarf for you by hand, Sasuke?”

“Yes,” says Sasuke hesitantly.

“And they scented it?”

Sasuke nods affirmative.

“Did you give anything back?”

“I… Just said thank you… is that not right?”

Itachi’s alpha shakes their head with a patient smile.

“A handmade and scented gift is the most important and meaningful courting gift that there is, Sasuke,” they explain. “It’s what you give to someone to ask them if they want to move from courting to something more serious, to intended mates.”

Sasuke blushes and feels some panic rising in his chest.

“I didn’t know!” he blurts, feeling the need to explain himself.

“I know,” they rush to reassure him. “But the etiquette dictates that the omega, if they wish to move onto that stage, gives the alpha a handmade and scented gift in return, no later than a week after the original gift was given. They must have been very nervous waiting for you, and very upset when you didn’t even let them down softly.”

“It’s been two weeks,” Sasuke whispers, mortified that he had missed something he should have known. This makes so much sense. The sudden depression, the awkwardness at training, the nerves after they had given him the scarf. He’s such an idiot. Against his will, Sasuke starts to feel tears burning at his eyes again. He messed everything up!

“Oh, Sasuke,” they say, scooting closer to him. They hesitantly lay a hand on his leg, and Sasuke makes no move to push them off. “It’s alright, you can fix it.”

“How?” he sniffs, furiously wiping away any tears that manage to escape. “They probably hate me now.”

“Come here,” they say, pulling him into a hug. And for the first time ever, Sasuke accepts a hug from his brother’s alpha.

“It’s alright,” they soothe. “We can fix this, I’ll help you.”

“What can I do?” he questions, feeling miserable.

“You need to make them something and scent it. Then you can explain what happened afterwards, but the gift should go a long way in smoothing over any ruffled feathers. I can help you make something, what do you want to make?”

Sasuke shrugs, still resting his head on his brother’s alpha’s shoulder.

“How about some cupcakes? Itachi and I were planning on doing some baking with the pup tomorrow, so I have all the supplies. And I’m sure we have some ribbon lying around, you can scent the ribbon and use it to tie up the box, how does that sound?”

“But what will you use tomorrow?” Sasuke asks, feeling a little better, but still red in the face.

“I can buy more, Sasuke, don’t worry, but this is a courting emergency, so we have to do it now, okay?”

“Okay.”

…

Itachi comes back from his errands just in time to watch his mate helping his little brother tie a ribbon around a box of cupcakes. The kitchen is covered in baking supplies and empty bowls of batter.

Did they bake cupcakes together?

Itachi can’t believe it. He had been trying to get them to get along better for years.

When Sasuke sees him standing in the door, he blushes and, holding the box of cupcakes to his chest, pushes past him and out the door with a quick nothing more than a quick and murmured greeting.

His pup wiggles in his arms and demands to be put down. He obliges and they immediately run to his alpha for a hug.

“Hey there, buddy, have a good day?”

“It was boring,” they complain. “And the mednin had cold fingers.”

Itachi’s alpha laughs.

“Well, I know something that might make you feel better,” they tease.

“What?! What?!”

“Uncle Sasuke made you something very special,” they say, bringing down a spare cupcake from on top of the counter, iced in his pup's favourite colour. The way his pup’s eyes widen at the sight of it, makes Itachi smile. “You can have it after dinner, okay, and next time we see uncle Sasuke we have to remember to say thank you.”

Itachi watches in amusement as his pup nods furiously and immediately runs off to go wash up for dinner, despite the fact that Itachi hasn’t even started cooking it yet.

“Did you and Sasuke bake together?” Itachi asks, still unbelieving of what he had seen.

You smile, understanding how crazy that must have been for Itachi to walk in on.

“Yes, we… had a little bonding session,” they say. “I’ll tell you about it later, I promise.”

Itachi accepts the answer despite his curiosity and joins his alpha is cleaning the kitchen so that he can start cooking dinner.

And if both of them were smiling too much, well, neither of them brought it up.

#young!sasuke #itachi #uchiha #sasuke #itachi x reader #reader insert #a/b/o #omegaverse #naruto #omega!itachi #alpha!reader #headcanons #gn reader #gender neutral reader #alpha x omega #omega!sasuke

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renneiscent · 2 years

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You Are All That Matters

Chapters: 3/?

< Previous Chapter | Next Chapter >

It feels like I’m in hell for waiting the next 4 hours until the plane is landed without checking on my phone. I’m trying as much as I could to divert my attention from all the scenarios that could ever happen when I reached Duskwood, precisely when I reached the mine and met Michael Hanson.

I was trying to read the magazines that they offer but I mused every time and when all of my attention was collected, I read the same paragraphs over and over again. Feeling sick with the endless sentences that never finished because too much drowning in thoughts, I decided to watch the sky that viewed from the plane’s window instead. It’s all pitch black and there is no sign of starlight at all. It seems the universe gives me the sign that nothing good will come toward me.

My eyes shut tight as I’m trying to breathing slowly, letting all of the weighs on my chest that clung so hard out till I feel like want to throw up. As much as I’m scared with whatever happens in front of me, I mean.. it isn’t supposed to be that I will have a nice evening while having a glass of hot chocolate with Michael, is it? I will encounter and face to face with the guy who kidnapped a woman, who murdered a young lady and brought her to the forest, who murdered my friend.

Feeling my hands trembling hard, I stood up from my position and walk to the plane’s lavatory. Right away I’m locking myself there and sitting on the top of the toilet’s lid. I want to bawl my eyes out but no tears come out, I wonder why. I really need someone to talk to right now, someone who will listen to me, who let me be vulnerable at least. I need Jake.

After traumatic experience like this one, it should help to be able to talk about it to someone.

I remember his words that convince me to share my grief with him when Richy is ambushed. How I was so furious at him and how much I hated him that easily convince me to keep going to the end of this mess with him and how much I hate his messages always end up with full stop... like he’s kind of robot or something. I know that we shouldn’t judge someone’s emotion by their typing and I know it’s hard for him to show his feeling through text, just like he said to me in the past... one of his flaw that he finds it hard to tell but he still told me anyway.

“I miss you,” I mumble while bending down with my hands covered my face. Finally, I’m crying it all out.

I’m crying like few minutes, probably three to five minutes? I’m not sure. But my eyes already swollen and red, I wash my face and trying to breathing slowly. After letting all of it out, I’m kind of relieved. My mind is on the great state. I need something to drink to remain calm. I walked out from the lavatory and meet one of the stewardesses.

I clear my throat before speaking, “excuse me, can I get a cup of tea? I’m.. kind of nervous with the flight?” I said lie while smiling really awkward, I could tell by sensing the tensed muscle on my cheeks.

“Oh my! Of course, miss. Here, let me get you one. Would you like another thing to calm you down?” the woman in front of me furrow her eyebrows, she looks so worried more than before. Because of her expression, I can smile sincerely to reassure her.

“No, but thank you. A cup of tea is more than enough.”

I was sipping my tea while having a nice little conversation with her, she’s trying to put all of my attention with her funny story. It is so nice of her since her method managed to calm me. I feel really bad to lie about her for telling that I’m nervous with the flight and how my reason to be here is to meet my sick grandma. But it would take too long to spill all of the tea to her, don’t you think? It would be left her speechless and I don’t want to leave my first impression with ‘hey, I’m nothing but stranger yet I still try so hard to find a missing girl that I had no idea with!’ kind of vibe.

Having someone to talk really help me to stay focused, I’m feeling ready more than before. But I guess the relaxation I have got myself into with a cup of the tea and how I cried earlier makes me tired, without warning I just dozed off until the plane is landed.

< Previous Chapter | Next Chapter >

#duskwood #duskwood fanfiction #duskwood everbyte #duskwood game #duskwood fandom #everbyte game #everbyte studios #duskwood mc

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cryptid-jack · 2 years

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Answers to Weird Questions

Answering questions sent to me from this list (feel free to send in more!)

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil?

No joke I already do this for my novel, lol. No, I am not a wizard (I’m a cryptid), and I use pen! Generally ballpoint.

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

I don’t think I really have any rituals when it comes to writing, let alone cursed ones. Unless maybe you count the extensive prep work I do re outlines, character profiles, etc? If you just mean ‘stuff you do before you write‘ I think the wildest I get is making myself a cup of coffee or tea to carry me through XD

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

In a good way? I do enjoy a good ‘vivacious‘. In a bad way? Restaurant. I can never remember which a gets the u X’D. Probably because I pronounce it ‘ress-trawnt’ so it SEEMS like it should go with the second???? But I know lots of people pronounce it with the emphasis on that first a so ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯ Also Wednesday. I don’t have a problem spelling it but only because I pronounce it ‘wed-ness-day‘ in my head when I write it X’D

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

I actually don’t have any, but then I’m not a superstitious person either.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

I don’t even believe in the concept of the human soul, so no, lol (Ironic for a man so obsessed with the soul mate trope I know XDD). Most ghost encounters can be explained by infrasonic sound, carbon monoxide leaks, and other environmental factors.

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

God, I’d probably wish for something that could just... take the ideas out of my head and type them up for me XD Then for the ability to always know the exact word I’m looking for without having to pull up a thesaurus because I can’t remember the one I want. And uhhh, a sweet publishing deal with lots of money for all my books :’)

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

Easy is love and romance for sure. I really enjoy writing people being just... disgustingly in love with each other. Difficult is... really technical stuff that I have to actually look stuff up for, I guess. I’m a pro at bullshitting but some things DO require some actual technical know-how to write convincingly about, unfortunately. Such a pain, lol.

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

See, the problem with this question is it was sent by my sibling who literally went to school to learn the rules of writing... but I did not X’D So I have no idea. For all I know I might have several lol. I just write what I enjoy.

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

I really don’t know, lol. I’m afraid I’m pretty boring and straight forward when it comes to actually doing the writing? I sit down and do the thing? Make myself a little beverage first maybe? Get distracted easily in the process? ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

Roses are red Violets are blue I love Kaidan Alenko I hope you do too

#ask jack #jack answers

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tartagilicious · 3 years

Text

counterparts.

→ synopsis | hurt after hearing the person you’ve grown closest to has been withholding the truth you’ve been searching for, you seek him out to know just what else about your relationship had been a convenient lie.

→ genre | angst.

→ word count | 1300.

→ ib | je te pardonne by maître gims

→ note | angst my beloved <3 I hope yall like being hurt because I sure like doing the hurting >:D i spun this to be kind of a romance-esque story, but at the end of the day, you can view it platonically as well! just a reminder in that case, i write from the traveller’s pov, but the traveller is meant to be you and not the canonical person! / art credit to nanogons on twitter & a very thank you to @seerie for one again being my beta reader !!

✧･ﾟ: the day you meet again, rain runs from drooping leaves.

petrichor. a deep voice calls from within your memory as you walk. the scent left by rain is a rather unique combination of natural chemicals, slightly different to each region depending on the plant life that most thrives there.

as if to prove his point, you remember the man stopping to pluck a glaze lily from the earth, dotted with the same gentle smell. an innocent enough gesture. yet as you took the flower from his gloved hand, an abrupt sense of belonging crashed through your chest.

but the scent grew cloying over time. easily, even, with dainsleif’s tales of the old nation of khaenri’ah, and the archon’s ties with your missing sibling. that same fragrance of rain is rotten in your nose as you walk, the ball of tension in your throat doing little to keep you grounded.

because suddenly, your thoughts drift back to him in every stray moment. every past conversation is taken apart with a careful hand, yet is still unskilled in pulling out the lies you want to find. no matter what you do, you know that in the familiar stalls and cloudy reflections of shop windows will remain memories of zhongli, as hard as you may try to keep your eyes averted from them.

you find him with ease, the notion of knowing him so well curling in your stomach. but you choose to give yourself the benefit of the doubt; while a man of substance, it’s not hard to discern what zhongli’s hobbies may be.

it’s a lie and you know it.

there was only ever one place he chose to go to on days like today, anyway, where the clouds hang low and dark in the sky. they cast a temporary shadow over the world, the greenery and water mingled in a soothing dance with the air.

the ambience is lost on you as you climb the stairs of the pavilion, turning towards the veranda with rocks in your boots. he sits behind a thin screen that hangs down to block the rain, back turned to you. there’s a golden pot of tea next to him that still steams.

“___, it’s nice to see you.”

you haven’t said anything yet, but it’d be foolish to assume he didn’t hear you coming. your chest feels heavy as you try to take casual steps forward.

“you as well.” the words come out in a mumble as he finally turns towards you, eyes clear of suspicion. but, you’re sure not to mistake this as trust — zhongli must be aware of the bittersweet reunion between you and your sibling, regardless of his status of retirement.

“i hadn’t been expecting you.”

a small smile quirks his lip as he raises a hand, silently calling to a member of the waitstaff. a brief recount of your sudden arrival is all that’s needed before he places an order of your favourite beverage — a pot of sweet herbal tea you’d shared many times before.

you bite back your words and nod your thanks.

there is no barrier between you, not that there ever has been — you are alike in your positions of rebirth, and share the sentiments that come with leaving something cherished behind. but as you settle into the chair across from him, he can’t shake the notion of a strong connection beginning to sever.

“recently,” he clears his throat softly, naturally in a way only he can manage. “how have you been fairing?"

“i.. could have been better. but, that’s just how it’s been lately."

zhongli nods. his eyes do all they can to ease your tense figure from a distance, gentle as he says, “…after this all, i hope you’re alright.”

somewhat unbeknownst to you, his words are truthful. while aware of the situation on your mind, he is prepared to withstand any reaction you might have; whether you choose to forgive him or would rather never see him again, it is nothing he doesn’t see coming.

but the moment you pale hearing those words, he almost reconsiders.

“so i guess it's true?” you pause to let the waitstaff place a teapot in front of you, decorated with the delicate purple leaves of a wisteria tree. zhongli takes note of the way you put aside your gloomy expression to send the member a comforting smile while they pour your beverage, reassuringly easing the tension they must inevitably feel interrupting such a situation.

he’s looking into the depths of his tea cup when you try to meet his eyes again. you may be alone once again, but the awkwardness has not disappeared.

“…don’t you have an excuse?” your hands wrap around the warm cup in front of you, your eyes jumping from one place to another, not in panic, but disbelief. zhongli sees the way your words affect you, the bitter poison they must taste like after holding them in, the anxiety in knowing that he may be just the type of person you hope he isn’t.

he pauses for a few moments, the pattering rain insistent on the overhang not far from you. but he will not ever be the one to deny you the luxury of the truth.

“no.”

he states his answer simply, deliberately taking a sip of the tea that has long gone cold in his cup. in that moment, zhongli would use any means necessary to avoid seeing the heartbreak in your eyes.

“it was a contract.” he says, finally placing the cup down and breaking the defining silence. your eyes find his quickly.

he wants to tell you. tell you what? that you have every right to be angry with him for hiding the information you seek? that despite the horrible and deceiving man he’s become, he’s begun to realise that he wants you to be there to forgive him? there is little within the scope of reality that he is truly capable of hiding from you, and he curses the world every day that it has to include this.

“i sincerely apologise.” zhongli’s voice is low, the retired god seen nowhere in the regret that lines it. “but i cannot break a contract, not even for you.”

zhongli has always been a meticulous man; his suits are ironed in a specific way that he prefers to handle himself. he will talk about operas for hours if not prompted to stop, yet will only ever attend showings at one theatre. he is the same with the agreements he makes, steadfast and reliable in everything he does.

you only wish he could make an exception just this once.

words are jumbled in your throat, different scenarios and endings fighting to come out on top — you want to say something. there is no reason to give into the satisfaction that would come with walking away. yet when you open your mouth, your words escape you.

what do i want to say?

you walk away only when you’ve convinced yourself that it must be better for both of you this way, to separate yourself from the idea of him so you can finally see the entirety of him.

as your figure disappears below the veranda’s stairs, zhongli feels little. he knows there should be a cold bite, a flicker from deep within him that only comes when someone may never return, yet there is not even a moment of hesitation. he reminds himself that he should be prepared to see to whatever conclusion you reach.

silently, he pushes the cup in front of him to the centre of the table with the intention of leaving it to be collected. instead, he can’t help but notice how it rests next to its companion in the set, designed to be the counterpart to yours.

the artist had clearly intended the two to symbolise night and day, yours painted a deep purple complimented by an old wisteria tree — his, however, remains a golden colour, and contains the image of a blooming glaze lily.

he tears his eyes away, fighting against the fear of you, too, leaving for good.

#genshin impact #zhongli genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #zhongli x reader #zhongli angst #zhongli #genshin impact imagine #zhongli imagines #zhongli gi

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superhero--imagines · 3 years

Text

Etsy Store Here l Ko-Fi l Commission Info I Instagram I Zine

A/N: I just felt like it, this is pretty self-indulgent tbh. also please buy my stickers on etsy. Please. I worked so hard and I'm so scared they're going to flop.

* Yo babe, this guy is like your #1 supporter

* Like there’s two ways he meets you. The first is probably like that romantic “it’s fate” type of way, and the second is one of his brothers sets him up with you

* The first one is sort of romantic- you meet him when you’re still young at some book signing or a poetry reading or something

* And he sits next to you, and you start chatting a little about the author and their work

* “You sound like a writer” Jason says, and you blush a little

* “I guess I am” you’re just starting out though

* “What kinda stuff do you write?” He asks

* “The bad kind”

* He laughs at that

* And there’s this sort of romantic mood over the scene, like he just knows you’re going to be special to him

* But then the reading ends, and he’s waiting for it- to give you his number or to you see again but he never does

* You just get up and leave

* He see’s you again years later, at a charity ball Bruce is forcing him to go to “public appearance is important” and “optics need to be good” or something

* And you’re there, one hand on Dick’s arm, and the other around a flute of champagne

* “Oh, (Y/N)- this is my little brother Jason, Jason this is (Y/N)”

* The hand wrapped around Dick’s arm unfurls to hold his own, Jason can’t take his eyes off of yours

* “Nice to meet you”

* And there’s no familiar glint in your eyes, this isn’t some inside joke-

* You really don’t remember him

* “Nice to meet you too,” Jason says giving you a firm squeeze back

* Your hand is soft

* He can picture it, desperately clutching a pen, flying across a page, and scribbling all the ideas in your mind-

* It feels like a writers hand

* “(Y/N)’s an aspiring writer,” Dick says, and Jason flinches.

* So you are still writing

* “I’m not an aspiring writer, I am a writer”

* Jason doesn’t miss the slight bite in your words, despite your expressionless exterior

* “No I mean like a real writer- a published writer”

* “I am a published writer” you sigh, and Jason guesses you’re exasperated

* “Oh really where at?” Dick asks, and Jason almost wants to strangle his brother. Here’s the person of his dreams, and Dick had the stupid dumb luck to date them first- only to say all the wrong things.

* But before you can answer Dick’s eyes light up as they hover over the bar-

* Then out of nowhere, he grabs your champagne flute away from you

* “You’re running low huh?” The flute is mostly full, Jason notices. “I’ll get you another”

* And then he’s gone, leaving just you and Jason

* “I’m going to take a wild stab here, and say you’re not dating my brother”

* You shake your head with a small smile

* “This would be pretty sad if we were,” you say, picking up a champagne flute from a nearby server

* Jason mirrors the motion

* “Dick said he wanted to make an ex jealous, it’s a mutually beneficial situation”

* You motion to the bar, and sure enough Dick’s chatting up a familiar redhead Jason knows all too well

* “What do you get out of this?” The question is punctuated with a sip of champagne and your lips quirk into a small smile

* “I’ve never been to an event like this,” your eyes sweep the room- marble columns and men with shiny cuff links and tuxedos and women in polished gowns

* It’s like something out of a tv show

* “I thought it might be good for my writing” you shrug, your editor is always saying that you need more romantic elements in your work

* “Well you don’t need Dick for that,” Jason takes a sip of his champagne “I’m right here”

* You grin, and Jason has to pinch himself to snap out of the way you dazzle him

* “What a gentleman,” you say, still smiling, though it’s dimmed

* “Anything to support the arts”

* Elsewhere at the bar-

* “Do you think they’re hitting it off?” Barbara asks, and Dick grins

* “Of course they are, they’re a writer- Jason loves to read, it’s a match made in heaven”

* Barbara rolls her eyes, but she’ll admit, you guys look good together

* Things move fast after that, the way they always seem to when people are happy

* First dates at the pier

* Second dates watching bad movies and smuggling wine into a movie theatre

* Third dates where you do nothing but kiss

* Bookstore trips, late nights where you do nothing but dream

* Jason knows you’re getting close when you open up to him about your art

* “I’ve had this idea in my head for months now but it just won’t come out”

* And you’re taking such a huge chance talking about this- how many times have you been told to quit while you’re ahead, or ridiculed, treated as an annoyance, or even laughed at for opening up about your work.

* So the pure joy Jason shows when you speak to him about it makes your heart skip

* “Tell me about it, what kind of a story is it?”

* And this is such a vulnerable moment for both of you- but Jason makes it seem like it’s the most normal thing in the world, like this is how it should have been with everyone before

* And honestly it’s healing

* This dork will buy any magazine or journal you’re printed in and ask you to sign it

* If it’s web-only, he’ll print out your story on high-quality paper and ask you to sign that

* “You know you didn’t have to buy one, I have like 12 contributor copies,” you say hiding your smile as you indulge him by signing the cover

* “I just happened to see it-”

* He didn’t just ‘happen to see it’ he preordered this copy a month ago

* “Besides I like supporting your work”

* And no ones ever loved you like this, so you hide your smile behind your hand

* “Anything to support the art right?”

* “Exactly,” he says with a grin

* If you write a book and add his name to the dedications/acknowledgments he’ll straight-up start crying

* “Jason-“

* You’re a little concerned, you didn’t even write anything mushy just ‘For Jason, my number one supporter’

* When he finally shows his face from behind his hand he’s smiling so wide with the brightest blush on his face

* “This is my favorite book,” he says hugging the copy to his chest

* And you just smile

* He buys two books, one to make notes in and the other to keep in a shadow box

* Speaking of books-

* If you guys live together you have a lot

* Like seriously almost TOO many

* Have you guys seen that tik tok of the girl whose parents are professors and they have a whole house just COVERED in books- like even the bathroom

* Yeah

* That’s your house!!

* Well, probably apartment, but yeah

* You have a “guest bedroom”

* But really it’s a library with a bed in the middle

* Your living room has every wall covered in bookshelves and one small empty spot so he could mount the television

* It makes perfect sense- one bookshelf Is yours, one is for reference material, one is to keep all the stuff you get published, one bookshelf is for Jason, another is for shared classics, another is books you guys share with signed books in it, another is just a display case really

* And so on

* “Do you ever think we have too many books?” You ask Jason one night over cups of chamomile tea

* He looks up from the book in his lap, reading glasses slipping down

* “I think we’re the only people who have the correct amount of books”

* You grin

* “Yeah I think so too”

* He would totally show up to all your readings and book signings

* Your manager/agent might start to get worried

* “You don’t think he’s a stalker do you?”

* “Nah that’s just my boyfriend” you say with a smile, blowing a kiss in his direction

* Just- supportive Jason who loves that you were born to tell stories

#batman imagine #jason todd zine #Jason Todd imagine #jason todd heacanon #jason todd x reader #jason todd x you #Jason Todd #red hood #red hood imagine #red hood x reader #dc comics imagine #superhero--imagines #dc comics

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high-functioning-lokipath · 3 years

Text

Star Trek - Spock x Reader - Love Story - Words: 1,129

BIG IMPORTANT A/N:

Love Story (1970) is a VERY VERY VERY sad (but very beautiful) movie. I WOULD suggest to watch it but remember...sad...

If you haven't seen it, here's the summary just so you can understand my story:

Preppy College Guy (Oliver) falls in love with Bookish College Girl (Jenny)

She falls in love with him because, WOW! He's not as much a jerk as she thought.

Their parents don't approve, yada yada, you get that part of the story. Mildly cliche, don't care.

They get married, get jobs, get apartment, want kids, and then everything goes downhill. (I'm not gonna spoil too much...you probably will get the idea)

Jenny has this expression "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Really sweet, moral of the story type thing.

Let's just leave it at there is no happily ever after and also that the movie score (theme song?) is amazing, anyway... enjoy the story 😄😄 And as always, this should be generally series-neutral lol Should work with AOS or TOS 👍👍🤗🤗

You grabbed a bowl of popcorn out of the replicator and sat down on the sofa in yours and Spock's quarters. Spock wouldn't be off his shift for another 2 hours and you decided to watch a sappy old Earth movie called Love Story while he was out. Your shift had been long and stressful and you felt like a good emotional movie to relax. Just as it finished loading up on the screen, the doors opened and Spock walked in.

"You're home early!" You said getting up to greet him. You gave him a quick peck on the cheek which he returned with a soft stroke of his hand to yours.

"The Captain said I looked tired and needed rest. He gave me tomorrow off as well."

"Well that's perfect! Maybe we can finally have that picnic on Observation Deck 6 we've been planning for the past few months. Let me see if it's open tomorrow."

"Yes, that would be nice," Spock said quietly. You looked at him oddly but he didn't make eye contact. "I think I will take a shower before we eat dinner. Is that alright?"

"Of course, Spock!" You replied happily. "I didn't have anything homemade today. Sorry about that," You said. "I was thinking I could make our picnic lunch myself, though. The reservation book says Observation Deck 6 is open tomorrow."

"That would be most pleasant," He said. If you didn't know any better, you'd say his voice sounded sad. But he never let that happen, did he?

"If it's ok with you, love, I'd like to start watching my movie while you're in the shower. It's," you paused, slightly embarrassed. "It's kinda sappy so I don't think you'd like it but-"

"I would not mind viewing it with you, ashayam, if it makes you happy."

"It's a really emotional movie, Spock. I'll probably cry about the ending."

"So it is a sad movie?"

"Yes, I cried last time I watched it."

"And you want to watch it again."

"Yes." One perfectly pointed eyebrow rose up in confusion.

"Then perhaps I should watch it with you in an effort to understand human emotion and behavior better." You chuckled lightly and shook your head.

"Ok, silly, we'll watch it together. Now go take your shower and let me finish making our plans for tomorrow. I'll get our dinner started in the replicators and it'll be ready by the time you come out, hm?"

"Alright," He said. Again, though, as he went to the bedroom, he looked upset.

"Is something on your mind, Spock?"

"Nothing to worry you, Y/N," He replied. You smiled but weren't convinced that he was being entirely truthful. Once he was done showering, you both grabbed your dinner and sat on the sofa together to watch Love Story.

A couple hours later the movie finished and you, of course, were sniffling slightly. As the closing credits began appearing on screen you wiped your eyes and looked up at Spock who had an oddly unreadable expression. "Sorry, I just," You sighed. "I really like that movie but it's so sad. I wish I could rewrite the ending."

"You have said that about many movies," He noted. You nodded. "And have you not attempted to 'fix' them, as you say, with your stories?"

"Yes," You nodded, cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "But this story is too beautiful. I could never write a better ending. Happier, yes. But it was so perfect. The musical score for the movie literally won an award the year it was released."

"But couldn't you rewrite the dialogue? Perhaps Oliver's father apologizes sooner and they're able to get treatment for Jenny?"

"Well, first of all, they didn't have treatments in those years, Mr. Spock," You smirked. You found it quite adorable that he was apparently trying his hand at fanfiction. Or at least coming up with headcanons. "Second, the point was that 'love means never having to say you're sorry.' Oliver's father wouldn't have understood that as well had the story not progressed as it did." That sad look passed over Spock's face again. "Spock, what's wrong? You keep getting this sad look. Guilty? Upset? Something! I don't know what it is but please tell me what's wrong," You said. He held his hands in his lap and refused to make eye contact.

"I," He started to say. "What does it mean?"

"What does what mean?" You asked, quite confused.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

"Oh, well," You thought about it for a minute. "I guess I would say that when two people really love and care about each other, they find that they don't have to say 'I'm sorry' about every little thing. Sometimes they may not realize they're doing something annoying or sometimes it's just that the other person, while superficially upset, isn't really mad and they can reach an understanding without words. I don't know if any of that made sense, Spock. For Pete's sake, I don't even know if most humans understand it. But it's something we do."

"Many times, when I do something that I've calculated as the most logical course of action, you are upset."

"Well, logical isn't always obvious to us emotional type humans," you smiled. "But I understand eventually. You usually sit down and explain it to me over a cup of tea or a bowl of plomeek soup."

"But I do not apologize for upsetting you."

"Oh, I think I know what's wrong," You said, looking down at your own hands now. "Last week, the mission on Omicron Lira? You put yourself in harm's way, again, and missed our anniversary dinner." He nodded slightly. "Spock, you did apologize. You always do."

"How?"

"I just told you," You smiled, curling back up against his side on the couch. "You explain to me why you did everything, why it was logical, so that I can understand. It's your special way of apologizing to me."

"I see," Spock said thoughtfully. "So you are not upset at me?" He asked, finally looking at you.

"Not at all," You grinned.

"I'm glad." He let a small smile show and grabbed his PADD to find another movie to watch.

"That being said," You added with a smirk. "I still expect an 'I'm sorry' when you wake me up too early, throw away my food before I'm done with it, steal my blanket, steal my hat, take my chocolate," You paused suddenly. "Actually, don't apologize about the chocolate. You get the idea though."

"I believe I understand," He replied, an almost chuckle sneaking into his voice and laughter in his eyes. "In that case, I won't need to apologize for this," He said holding up two chocolate bars he had been hiding.

"Never."

Star Trek TOS/AOS Taglist

@bartv21

@another-crazy-fangirl

@startrekkingaroundasgard

Want to be added to our taglist? Let us know here by commenting on the linked post or just DM us!

MASTERLIST

#star trek tos #star trek aos #star trek #spock x reader #Spock #love story #love story movie

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2dmenenthusiast · 4 years

Text

Grounded - Levi Ackerman x Reader

I had this whole thing typed out but it all got deleted cuz im an idiot so all I’ll say is that writing for Levi is hella difficicult, I hate the ending, and I hope you all enjoy. also yes there is a line from TWD in here but it fit so perfectly and it was too good to pass up okay? and I gave Hange they/them pronouns btw

(also one of my favorite fanfic writers @phen0l followed me and uhh I just wanna say that I’m honored?? They write amazing Levi fics and fics for other fandoms, so make sure to go check them out)

Summary: The Scouts are getting ready for the 57th expedition outside the walls, and you can’t help but let Levi know how worried you feel about the possible outcome of the mission

Word count: 6.8k

Warnings/other info: swearing, angst, death, spoilers for AOT season 1, reader has possible anxiety, reader is kept gender nuetral

No matter how many times you face them, no matter how many times you find yourself suspended in mid-air right over their gaping mouths, ready to swallow you whole, you will always have nightmares about that one fateful day in Shiganshina. The day the Colossal Titan kicked in Wall Maria and let his friends feast on the people in your district. Your friends, family, all destined to be one thing at that moment. Titan fodder. You still wonder how you made it out sometimes. How through all the commotion, a titan didn’t target you and scoop you into its mouth, effectively sealing your fate just like everyone around you. You chalked it up to luck at first before telling yourself that was bullshit. Luck didn’t have anything to do with it. Shit just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it besides roll with the punches and try your best to survive.

The sight of your sister and father being eaten by those beasts was permanently engraved behind your eyelids, seeing flashes of their thrashing, screaming bodies whenever you close your eyes to go to sleep. In those moments, you always wondered why you survived rather than them. Your sister… she was the sweetest little thing, lighting up a room whenever she smiled and constantly greeting you at the door with a hug whenever you came back from shopping in town. You swore her laugh was all you needed to take you right out of a bad mood, reminding you that things weren’t so bad if you had someone so full of joy in your life. And your father, while he was stubborn, he made sure to take care of his family the best he could, and you were forever grateful for that. He raised you to be strong and rely on yourself because in the end, the only person you truly had on your side was you.

No one really knew about your past. Well, besides your superiors who needed to know, but other than them, your fellow cadets knew the bare minimum about your private life. Although, when they found out you were from Shiganshina, they all just automatically assumed you suffered a great loss of some kind, whether it be your family or your home. In your case, it was both. Of course, you were close with some of the other soldiers. Eld and Petra were people you considered to be good friends with, along with the rest of your captain’s squad. Though, that didn’t stop you from wanting to deck Oluo in the face whenever he got too cocky, throwing his arm around your shoulders during lunch before immediately removing it when you would elbow him in the ribs.

“Jeez, Oluo. You think you’d learn by now. What is this, the fifth, sixth time?” Petra asked, pushing a stray hand of hair behind her ear.

“Seventh,” you chimed as you brought a spoonful of soup up to your mouth.

“Aw, you’ve been keeping count. That must mean you actually like me.”

You raised an eyebrow as you looked over at him, placing the spoon back in your bowl before licking the remaining soup off of your lips. “You know this food is still steaming. Don’t make me throw it at your old ass face.”

He let out a noise of protest while the rest of the table laughed, and you snickered to yourself before shifting your gaze to meet Levi’s, his steely eyes almost piercing through you before he looked down into his cup and tuned back into the conversation his commander and squad leader Hange were having, watching as the dark liquid swirled around.

You always knew Levi to be a man of few words, but a strong sense of purpose. He wasn’t one to waste time on trivial things, always wanting to get straight to the point. He didn’t seem to be the type to waste time on feelings either, but you guessed it wasn’t any of your business. You knew he felt things. Experienced emotions and all that. You’d be stupid to think he didn’t. During training, when he’d survey your group to see how things were going, there would always be gossip when he left, your peers saying how he was cold and emotionless, but you disagreed. You had already heard the rumors of the captain being some type of underground gangster at that point, so when you really thought about it, it wasn’t unusual or weird for him to act the way he did. Something, someone, had made him that way, and that was okay. Something had affected all of you too. The world you all lived in didn’t have the time to spare you from grief or trauma.

“Cadet l/n.”

You jumped slightly at the sudden mention of your name, lifting your head to see your captain entering the mess hall with a signature cup of tea in his hand, and you gave him a lazy smile before looking back down at your own cup, the liquid having gone cold over the time you had been sitting there. Levi didn’t reprimand you for not saluting him, just silently walked over and occupied the seat across from you, looking at you with that stern gaze of his.

“You should be asleep. I won’t make training any easier for you tomorrow just because you’re tired.”

“This isn’t unusual for me, captain. Just needed something else to look at that wasn’t my bedroom wall,” you said, your voice quiet.

He slightly tilted his head as he studied you, lifting his hand to gesture around the room. “And you thought an empty mess hall would be better?”

You let out a scoff, meeting his eyes for a moment before sipping at your drink and immediately grimacing at the taste of it. “It’s better than the alternative. For now, at least.”

He didn’t respond at first, simply staring off into the distance as he let your words sink in before setting down his cup with a soft ‘clink.’ You thought that maybe if you weren’t so over everything at the moment, you wouldn’t be acting so casual with your superior, but he didn’t seem to be bothered by it. Hopefully this wouldn’t bite you in the ass later

“You’re not the first one here to experience nightmares, you know.”

“Oh, so you have this talk with all of the cadets in the middle of the night?”

“No,” he answered simply, taking another sip of his drink.

You didn’t know why, but that simple interaction had been the best one you had with another person in months. Sure, you loved the company of your friends, but talking to Levi was just so… different. Almost liberating in a way. There were things you had told him that you never told anyone else during your late-night meetings, and it got to the point where you had found yourself looking forward to talking with him. Because you knew that behind his gaze was a man that felt so much, and you knew what that was like.

“You know… I only really made it out because they were too busy eating my family.”

Levi paused at that, eyebrows slightly raised as he looked at you over his cup that was pressed to his lips. He didn’t speak at first, taking his time as he leisurely drank his tea, and you could practically feel the depth of the silence looming over the both of you like it was its own presence.

“Shit, maybe I should’ve just kept my mouth shut,” you thought, teeth digging into your bottom lip as you anxiously waited for Levi’s response.

You didn’t want him to pity you. That was never your intention. You guessed you just.... wanted someone to know what you were thinking and feeling, tired of constantly keeping it to yourself. If you got eaten by a titan one day, you’d at least want someone to know who you were. Who you really were.

“Sorry, I um…” you looked around at everything besides the man sitting in front of you, trying to find a way to fill the silence. “You probably don’t wanna hear some sob story from some cadet, I-”

“‘Some cadet?’”

Your eyes snapped over to his, mouth slightly agape before swallowing thickly. “I… Well I mean-”

“Talking like that about yourself isn’t going to change anything or make anything better. You’re not just some cadet, and I’m even willing to say that you’re not as bad as some of the shit-for-brains we have here. You came here to do the same thing everyone else is here to do. Fight for humanity. Whether your end goal is selfish or to try and relieve yourself of some guilt from the past, it doesn’t matter.” He leaned closer to you, elbows placed on the table as he pinned you with his gaze. “Every life sacrificed out there matters. So does yours, even if you don’t think it does. And it’s our job to make sure those soldiers don’t die in vain.

You didn’t know what to say. No one had ever really talked to you like this, so how could you know how to respond? Luckily, he started speaking again so that you didn’t have to.

“Your family… it’s a shame what happened to them. What you had to go through. But, their deaths will be avenged, and I will make damn sure of it.”

That night was the first time you cried in probably months. You thought Levi would think of you as some pathetic little soldier, trying to gain the sympathy of their captain, but he didn’t. He just placed a hand over yours and let you cry, and you remembered how you were sort of surprised by how warm he was. You remember that talk like it was only yesterday when in reality it was years ago. You and Levi didn’t talk as much as you used to, considering the fact that he was constantly busy with helping the titan shifter cadet, Eren Jaeger, and you had been recruited to squad leader, so you had your own people to deal with. But that didn’t mean you two never spoke. Whenever your paths crossed, you’d make sure to give him a little greeting, whether it was a simple wave or a “hello.” And occasionally, when you couldn’t sleep and you’d come down to the mess hall, he was there, a steaming cup of tea in front of him, and you’d talk for a few hours until you both agreed it was time to try and catch some sleep.

Now, the soldiers were getting ready for the 57th expedition, and you couldn’t shake off the bad feeling you got whenever you thought about it. Of course, every expedition was dangerous. More often than not, the scouts would come back from outside the walls with more than a few dead, and on bad days, their numbers would be cut in half. Eren was making progress, and you hoped he would be useful, but a part of you was still doubtful.

“I’m worried,” you stated, arms crossed over your chest as you stood next to Levi, watching the cadets train vigorously.

“You always worry.”

You glanced over at the man and huffed, seeing him completely focused on the soldiers before you lightly kicked your boot into the dirt. “I guess that’s kinda my thing, isn’t it? Can you blame me though? We’ve seen what Eren can do, but… he hardly has it under control. And this isn’t exactly a normal expedition.”

“Things will turn out the way they turn out. There’s nothing we can do except make sure things go the best way they can.”

You sighed. Levi was able to reassure you most of the time, but other times he did nothing to calm your nerves. It wasn’t his job to, though. His responses were straightforward, and if you didn’t like it then that was just something you had to deal with.

“Ever the optimist, Levi,” you said, a sarcastic lilt to your voice, and you smiled when he glanced at you before shaking his head.

“Hey! You’re not here to slack off. Pick up the pace before I make you all train through dinner.”

You were used to Levi giving out orders. Hell, he gave them to you all the time, but his commanding voice sent shivers down your spine at that moment.

“He’s a freaking tiny tyrant, I swear,” you heard one of the cadets mutter, and you couldn’t help but snicker as you turned your head away from your captain, covering your mouth to conceal your smile.

“Find something funny?”

You cleared your throat as you shook your head, turning to Levi with a grin and shrugging your shoulders. “Not at all, captain. Just have a little cough is all.”

“Mhm. Maybe I should make you run it off then.”

“Aw c’mon, Levi. Have a little laugh. We all need one once in a while, especially considering the day you’re all going to have tomorrow.”

He just let out a hum, and your smile slowly dropped as you looked out at the horizon, the sky painted in beautiful strokes of orange and pink. Yes, you were right, you all needed those small moments of joy in this fucked up world you lived in, but you weren’t stupid enough to believe that those moments could last forever. Sometimes you just had to face the reality of the situation you were all in, and you couldn’t help the feeling of dread that filled you as you thought about tomorrow.

“You’re overthinking. Stop it,” Levi said, snapping you out of your thoughts.

You shook your head and gave him a smile that felt bittersweet. “I can’t help it sometimes. I wish I could go with you.”

“We have enough force and skill in the recruits we have for the expedition. It would be a waste to put you and your squad into it and leave you hanging with no real job to do.”

“No real job? We’d be doing what everyone else would be; killing titans and keeping Eren safe! How would we not be useful? You know for a fact that my squad and I are plenty skilled and-”

“We can’t risk more sacrifices by putting you out there. We have enough people to hopefully accomplish what we need to.”

“Then why wasn’t my squad a first choice to go beyond the walls this time? We’re more capable than most of the people here and you know it. Maybe if I talk to Erwin he’ll-”

“This wasn’t just Erwin’s decision, it was mine. And your insubordination is starting to get irritating, so I suggest you take a walk.”

You looked at Levi with widened eyes, disbelief clear on your face, and you swallowed down what you actually wanted to say before letting out a deep breath.

“Levi, I-”

“Take a walk, l/n. I don’t wanna hear about it.”

You simply blinked at him a few times, clearly upset by the way he addressed you, before letting out a scoff and walking away, your jaw and fists clenched tightly. Yes, maybe you were being a bit childish, but you refused to acknowledge that when you felt so pissed at the moment.

“I mean, how can he just treat me like that?! Just completely dismiss me and not even give me a reasonable answer! He’s so… He’s just so… Ugh!”

You groaned and rested your head in your hands as you sat across from Hange, your friend looking at you with raised brows as they idly tapped their fingers against the table.

“I mean, he is your superior, y/n.”

“But that’s not the point! Like, yeah okay, I know he’s my captain and all that, but… We’ve always just been casual with each other. We’ve never seen each other as our ranks. I still respect him and follow his orders when he gives them but…” You let out a noise of frustration and slammed your fists down on the table. “That doesn’t give him the right to just pull out the superiority card whenever it benefits him!”

Hange blinked a few times before letting out a sigh, brushing a piece of stray hair out of their face as they leaned back in their chair, shrugging their shoulders. “I mean, he said it was also his decision, right? So maybe… he’s trying to keep you safe?”

Your eyes widened almost comically, feeling heat travel up the back of your neck at the mention of the possibility that Levi was concerned about your safety. “I-I… I mean he- um.”

“Oh my, are you getting flustered, y/n? Does the thought of Levi caring about you make your heart race?” Hange asked, a playful smirk on their face.

“Stop! For the love of everything, please stop,” you whined, waving your hands in front of you as you tried to ignore how embarrassed you felt.

Hange just laughed at you, continuing to poke fun until you threatened to not be a part of their crazy experiments anymore, to which they quickly backed off. You thought talking with Hange might make you feel better, but hours later when you were pacing in front of the door to Levi’s office, you still wanted to rip your hair out as you thought of what to say to him. Letting out a huff and straightening your posture, trying to gain some nerve, you raised your hand to knock on the door, only for it to suddenly open and reveal your captain, his cravat having come off and the first few buttons of his shirt undone.

“Your incessant pacing is driving me up the wall. What do you want?”

Oh, so he had heard you. You avoided eye-contact, reaching a hand up to rub at the back of your neck before clearing your throat to try and relieve some of the awkwardness you felt.

“Um… can I come in?”

You both stood there for a moment, Levi’s gaze traveling up and down your body before stepping aside to let you in, and you gave him a small, appreciative nod as you walked inside his office. The tension in your shoulders was almost painful, your whole body almost stiff as Levi walked in front of you to sit on the edge of his desk, crossing his arms over his chest. You didn’t know why you felt so nervous. It was only Levi, a man you had come to know for years. And while you didn’t know everything about him, you still considered you both to be somewhat close. So why were you feeling so weird right now?

“Uh… I wanted to talk about this afternoon,” you said, mindlessly fidgeting with your fingers.

Levi raised a curious brow, letting you linger in silence for a moment before letting out a soft hum. “Not sure it’s something worth talking about.”

Lips curving into a small frown, you mimicked his posture and crossed your arms, shifting your weight onto one foot. “Well, I think we left some things… unaddressed back there, and I wanna talk about it.”

He didn’t say anything, and you were starting to get pissed, your fuse short enough as it is. Your frustration finally hit its peak when he grabbed the cup of tea next to him and wordlessly took a sip, and you swore at that moment you wanted to take the cup and smash it against his head.

“Goddammit, would you stop drinking your stupid fucking tea and listen to me?!” you yelled, and you could see a flash of shock in his eyes at your outburst before he glared at you, setting his cup down.

“You wanna repeat that?”

“Oh, don’t get all fucking ‘Captain Levi’ on me. You know exactly what all of this is about. You didn’t even try to give me a reasonable explanation earlier, and I feel like I deserve one.”

“Do you? You think you deserve something for acting like this?”

“I’m not a child!”

“But I am your superior, which you seem to forget quite a lot.”

“That is such bullshit! Since when have you given two fucks about ranks when it comes to us? I follow your orders when I have to, not when you use your superiority when it’s most convenient for you.”

Levi clicked his tongue as he got off of his desk, rounding it to sit in his chair, and your fists were clenched so tightly it was becoming almost painful, your nails digging into your palms.

“You know, you say you’re not a child, yet you constantly act like one. Throwing a fit when you don’t get your way. Sometimes I wonder why Erwin made the decision to promote you.”

Your eyes widened as you softly gasped, questioning if you heard Levi correctly, but you know you did. There was no mistaking it. You always believed that Levi knew that you were capable, that you could protect yourself. But now he made you question if he really thought those things. Did he even respect you as a soldier? After countless nights of spilling your guts to him and him reassuring you… did he think of you as just some simple-minded cadet? You felt like your heart was in your throat and tears were threatening to spill, but you just swallowed everything down and turned your head away.

“Good luck on the expedition tomorrow,” you muttered, and you were quick to leave his office and rush back to your room, tears spilling down your cheeks.

______________

When it came time for your fellow scouts to leave for the expedition in the morning, you were a bit reluctant to watch them, knowing that you’d end up automatically spotting Levi in the crowd, and the petty side of you wanted to ignore him at all costs. However, the rational side of you remembered that it wasn’t just Levi going out there, it was other soldiers as well, most of them you knew personally, and you’d be damned if you didn’t give them a proper send-off, knowing the likelihood of some of them not making it back. So, you dragged yourself out of bed and made yourself presentable, slipping on your jacket as you stepped out of your room.

“Y/n!”

You turned at the shout of your name, seeing Hange waving excitedly at you as they jogged down the hall, slowing down to walk with you.

“So? How did it go with Captain Shorty?”

You groaned and rolled your eyes, bringing your fingers up to rub at your temples to try and cease the headache you already felt coming. “I don’t even wanna talk about it.”

“Dang, that bad, huh?” Hange grimaced.

“You have no idea. I just wanna forget about it”

Hange didn’t say anything more on the topic after that, simply talking about random things with you as you walked outside to the stables. You had a bad feeling settled in your stomach ever since you woke up, but as more time passed it just got worse.

“Hange,” you muttered, the squad leader turning towards you with raised eyebrows as they held the reins to their horse.

“Uh… Please be careful out there, okay?”

Hange looked shocked for a moment before their mouth split into a wide grin, and they quickly pulled you into a tight hug, which you immediately reciprocated.

“Aw, y/n! Don’t worry about me, I’m always careful!”

“That is such a lie, but I’ll believe you anyway,” you chuckled.

Pulling away from each other, Hange mounted their horse and joined the rest of the scouts at the gate, and you went to stand at the sidelines with the rest of your peers to watch them. Your eyes immediately caught sight of a head of familiar black hair, and you felt your heart grow heavy and your chest tighten, almost wishing he would feel your gaze and look over at you. But he didn’t and with Erwin’s war-cry, they charged through the open gate, the horses kicking up dirt and dust, and you only got a glance at their retreating figures before the gate was closed again.

______________

Every minute that ticked by felt like hours. You didn’t know how long they would be gone, the time usually spent outside the walls ranging from a few hours to a few days. You hoped it was the former, knowing that the longer they were out there, the more likely they were to get killed. You knew your comrades were skilled, having been outside the walls with them and seen their skills up close, but that didn’t stop you from worrying. Now with the Eren being a titan shifter and a traitor in your midst, anything could happen.

You almost didn’t acknowledge the shouting of your fellow soldiers that afternoon, too focused on taking care of some of the horses in the stables. But when you finally heard it, you quickly stopped what you were doing and ran to the gate. They were back. Adrenaline coursed through you as your heart pounded like a drum against your chest, and when you finally caught sight of the returning scouts, you immediately stopped in your tracks. The look on their faces was one of defeat, and you could already tell just by looking at them that not all of them made it back. When you spotted Hange, you felt some relief wash over you and you quickly made your way over to them, walking beside their horse.

“Hange, what happened? Was the mission successful?”

Hange didn’t answer, a blank look on their face, which was identical to the expressions on all of the other soldier’s faces. It was a bad day, that much you could tell, and you made brief eye-contact with Levi before looking for your friends. Only… you couldn’t see them. Turning around frantically, you spotted Eren laying in a cart and ran over, jumping in beside him as you glanced at his hand clutching Mikasa’s. He looked even worse than everyone else did. No, loss was never easy, but Eren was just a kid, and experiencing so much of it at his age must have been devastating for him, especially when he was so passionate about saving humanity.

“Eren, tell me what happened. Who… Who did we lose?” you asked.

You didn’t even know if you wanted to know the answer, seeing Eren so broken and torn up already told you that what happened out there wasn’t good, but when was it ever? The boy had tears falling down his cheeks, trying to keep his sobs quiet, and Mikasa just looked at you with narrowed eyes.

“Y/n, I don’t think right now’s a good time-”

“Please!” You gripped the cape that was laid over top of Eren, eyes focussed on the blue and white wings embroidered on the back and you sniffled as you tried to hold back the tears that were desperately trying to come out. “I… I need to know. Please, Eren…”

He stared at you with wide eyes, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed before letting out a shuddered breath. “They… We were after the female titan and she… I couldn’t save them, y/n. They died protecting me!”

Your face seemed void of any emotion as Eren’s words sunk in, piercing your heart like a million knives, and all you did was nod silently before jumping out of the cart, your mind going on autopilot as you walked. You didn’t need him to explain who he was talking about for you to already put the pieces together. Levi had told you that Eren was going to be a part of his squad so that he could keep an eye on him, and his squad was in charge of protecting him. He had become humanity’s number one asset after all. Civilians were shouting at all of you, cursing at you and hurling insults at your face. You weren’t even one of the scouts on the expedition, but that didn’t matter. As long as you wore the wings of freedom on your back, you were a bastard like the rest of them. No more, no less.

You had stumbled too close to the crowd, too preoccupied with your thoughts to even notice, until a large man gripped your shoulders and pushed you in front of the horses, your body landing harshly in the dirt as some of the people laughed at you. You heard someone shout your name, but it sounded distant to you, everyone’s drowned out underneath the roaring of your thoughts. You shifted yourself onto your hands and knees, only to look up and see Hange crouched down in front of you, a concerned expression on their face.

“Y/n, are you okay? Can you hear me?”

There was a ringing in your ears as you looked at them, trying desperately to just get a grip.

The dirt under my hands, the dryness in my mouth, the shouts of the citizens, the musty smell of the horses… Hange right in front of me.

“I’m fine. I… I’m fine.”

The single tear slipping down your cheek went unnoticed by you, but it was one of the things that let Hange know that you were lying. That you weren’t fine. Reaching out to wipe the tear away Hange shook their head.

“Y/n-”

“I’ll see you later, okay?”

Giving Hange a tight-lipped smile, you picked yourself up off the ground and made your way back to the Scout’s headquarters, feeling everyone’s eyes on your back, and you couldn’t help but wonder if Levi was watching you too.

______________

You didn’t keep track of how long you cried that day, keeping yourself locked in your room and sobbing until your body physically couldn’t produce any more tears. The last time you cried this much was when your family died, same thing could be said when you thought about the last time you felt this way. Like all hope was lost. You found yourself questioning what the point of all of this was for a moment before you quickly slapped yourself out of that thought. You knew why you had to do this, why the Survey Corps was important. But shit, all this loss? You didn’t know how much more you could take. Especially if days like today became more frequent.

Then you got to thinking about Levi and the stupid argument you had yesterday. At the time, you felt like your feelings were justified, and maybe they were, but now you felt like a complete idiot for arguing with him, especially the day before an expedition where it was one hundred percent possible that he could’ve died out there. The thought of your last interaction being some petty argument made more tears fall, and you gripped the sheets of your bed so tightly that you thought they might rip. Did he even want to speak to you now? Maybe he realized that you were just some immature little soldier and wanted nothing to do with you.

No, you couldn’t accept that. You wouldn’t. Standing from your bed, you harshly wiped at your eyes and sniffled, trying to look like you weren’t crying for hours on end - even though it was pointless, you knew Levi would be able to tell immediately - and exited your room to start making your way to Levi’s office. Your nerves were kicked into high gear, but you refused to let this man intimidate you. You were going to let him know how you felt and he was going to listen. Of course, your confidence immediately deflated when you found yourself standing in front of his door, but you swallowed down your nerves and knocked, taking a deep breath.

Levi’s muffled voice came from the other side of the door, telling you to come in, and you let out a small huff as you gripped the doorknob and let yourself in. He didn’t even look up from the paperwork in front of him when you walked in, and as the door closed behind you and you moved to stand in front of his desk with your hands held behind your back, you lightly cleared your throat to get his attention. His eyes flickered up to meet yours, and you could feel yourself shrink under his gaze. There was no doubt he saw what happened earlier today when they came back, and from the way he was examining you, you knew he could easily tell that you had been crying.

“Did you need me?” he asked, and you sharply inhaled at the sound of his voice. It felt like forever since he talked to you last, and hearing him speak made your stomach do flips.

“Uh… I don’t know, honestly. I didn’t really practice what I was going to say before I came in here.”

He raised a brow at you. “‘Practice?’”

“I mean, it’s kinda hard to talk to you. Not that that’s a bad thing, it’s just… Ah shit, I don’t know. It might just be me. I’m not the best at articulating, you know?”

He hummed and grabbed his cup as you let out a sigh, taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk and leaning your elbows on your knees, bouncing your leg. Taking your bottom lip between your teeth, you wordlessly gazed at him for a moment, a made-up image of his death flashing in your mind before you shook your head and ran your hand down your face.

“Look, um… I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for yesterday. For questioning your judgment when I should’ve just dealt with it. You’re my superior and I disrespected you so… Again, I’m sorry.”

Silence fell between you for a moment before he let out a sigh, setting down his cup before leaning his chin against his propped up hand. “Don’t apologize. You were right.”

Your eyes widened. Did you hear that correctly? “Uh, I’m sorry?”

Getting up from his seat, he rounded his desk to stand in front of you, and you were even more confused. You swore he would’ve been done with you by now.

“You said you and your squad were more than capable of handling the mission. You were right. Or at least, you were right at the time. The female titan would’ve wiped us all out if she wanted to, just like she did my squad. I don’t doubt that if you went after her, you’d be dead right now too.”

You stiffened slightly at his words, fingers gripping your knees as you let out the breath you didn’t realize you had been holding in. “Oh.”

“As captain, I’m supposed to remain unbiased. My decisions should be based on the greater good of humanity and my comrades. If my judgment is wrong, then that’s something I have to live with. Making my squad protect Eren was my decision, and they died.” He let out a long breath. “When Erwin decided to not bring you on the expedition, I was opposed to it at first. I knew that you and your squad would be able to aid us greatly, but I couldn’t sway him. However, now that I think about it, I’m glad you weren’t there.”

You were at a loss for words. When Hange had joked the other day about Levi caring about you, you didn’t take it seriously. But now that you were hearing all of this… Did he care for you? Or was it just your wishful thinking that was causing you to interpret things wrong? Slowly standing up, you briefly met his gaze before walking over to the window and looking out at the night sky, the sun having gone down a while ago, and you wrapped your arms around yourself as you tried to piece together what you wanted to say to him.

“Even if you think I was right, I’m still sorry. I don’t like arguing, especially with you. And the fact that you had to go on an expedition the next day…” You swallowed thickly. “I was scared. I know you say that there’s no use regretting the decisions we’ve made, but if you died out there today and a stupid argument was the last interaction we ever had, I would’ve regretted it every day of my life.” You turned to face him, eyes glossing over. “I would’ve beat myself up when I know you’d want me to continue to be strong. But I feel like I can’t do that without you, and I feel so weak and stupid for saying that. For feeling like the only thing that gives me hope in this godforsaken world is you.”

Levi remained silent, not that you expected him to say anything, and you sniffled as you reached up to wipe at your teary eyes before sighing and giving him a sad smile.

“I’m sorry. I know you don’t wanna hear some silly confession. I’ll let you get back to your business,” you said, walking past Levi to get to the door, but you didn’t make it that far when his hand suddenly shot out and gripped your arm, causing you to turn back and look at him.

“Why do you always do that?”

Your brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“You never take yourself seriously and act like the people around you don’t either. You’re self-deprecating. You did the same thing when I found you in the mess hall years ago. Why?”

“I… I don’t know, I guess I just get nervous around you.”

“Why?”

Your mouth felt dry suddenly, and your heart was racing as Levi’s grip on your arm tightened and he pulled you closer. “Because… I want to be strong in front of you. I don’t want you to see me as someone immature and incapable, and I’m scared of embarrassing myself in front of you.”

“Did you find your confession embarrassing? Do you want me to forget about it?”

“If you want to.”

“Mm. And what if I don’t?”

You let out a shuddered breath, eyes flitting down to his lips for a moment. “Then what will you do about it?”

Neither of you moved at first, your gaze not leaving one another, and you felt like your heart was about to beat out of your chest, it was going so fast. You wondered if Levi was experiencing the same feeling. Wondered if underneath that stoic, calm expression, his blood was pumping in his ears and his pulse was going crazy. You were waiting for him to do something, anything, as he stared at you with an almost challenging look. It made anger flare up in you for some reason, and you clenched your jaw as you narrowed your eyes.

No, I won’t let this get away from me.

Reaching up, your hand grabbed at his cravat, yanking him forward into an almost desperate kiss that had your mind reeling. His brows were scrunched up, body tense, before finally relaxing, and you could feel him almost melt into you as he brought both of his hands up to hold your face, eagerly responding. Your frustration had been building up ever since your fight, and you felt like you were both letting it all out now, each kiss hungry and rushed, barely able to pull your faces away before one of you was pulling the other one in again.

“Fuck, I can’t stand you sometimes,” you breathed out between kisses, fingers weaving into Levi’s dark locks and lightly tugging, causing him to let out a soft groan against your lips.

“Stop talking.”

You don’t know when the anxiety started bubbling in your stomach or why your heart felt like it was about to jump out of your throat, all you knew was that every sensation was suddenly overwhelming. Levi’s hands, his lips, his breath against your face, it was all too much. You were suddenly pushing him away, tears quickly building up behind your eyes as you panted for breath. Whether it be from the desperateness of your kisses, or the constricting of your chest, you didn’t know. You just knew that everything was suddenly hitting you at once, and you couldn't get a grasp on how to deal with it.

“Y/n…”

Right, Levi was still here, and he looked at you with a hand slightly reached out, waiting for you to meet him halfway. You hesitated, staring at his hand like you were trying to see through it, before eventually grabbing it, and he slowly pulled you into his chest. Your arms were limp at your sides, silent tears streaming down your face as Levi held you.

“They’d be proud of you, y/n. You know that.”

You felt like you had been falling all of your life, nothing to stop you, nothing to hold onto as you plummeted through an endless abyss. But now, as you brought your hands up to grip the back of Levi’s jacket and sobbed into his shoulder, for once, you felt like your feet had finally found the ground.

#levi x reader #levi ackerman x reader #levi imagine #aot x reader #snk x reader #aot fanfiction #levi ackerman fanfiction #levi x gn!reader

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someonestolemyshoes · 3 years

Text

The Keeper’s Introduction

Here is my fic for @levihan-drabbles Fluff Friday!

Prompt: "I know I just broke into your apartment in the middle of the night but there are some bad people after my special power over alternate universes and I've decided to put all my faith on you to save everything."

They looked oddly at home, expertly navigating his kitchen. As though they had been there before. They grabbed the honeypot from another cupboard, and found a spoon in one of the drawers.

"Oi," Levi said. "How'd you know where I keep all my shit?"

The stranger waved their hand flippantly, "Oh, I'm well acquainted with your layout. It never really changes, wherever you are."

Levi had just settled in for the night when a loud echoing crack sounded in the street below.

It was well past midnight, far too late for such a racket. The sudden violence of it was almost enough to make him spill his tea. He waited with his breath held, his heart shamefully hammering in his chest. Levi prided himself on being the type who doesn't scare so easily—but one can't be blamed for being alarmed by an unexpected noise in the dead of night, can they?

The world remained mercifully still and quiet. Levi approached the open window slowly (carefully, not frightfully; there is no indignity in being cautious) and peered out into the night. The sky outside was almost full dark, saved from the pressing black by only a smattering of stars and the moon, a papery sliver of a thing hooked high over the distant rooftops. The window, open only an inch, gave entry to a gentle breeze, still balmy despite the lateness of the hour. The town was drowsy, dozing; only the occasional candle flickered in the darkness, and no sound, prior to or following the thunderous clap, could be heard.

The street, three stories below, was empty. Levi scanned the road, but found nothing unusual. The strangest thing, perhaps, was that his face was the only one peering out. None of his neighbours had deemed the explosion worth investigating.

It was, for all the world, a night as perfectly normal as any other. Levi had seen no reason to expect anything out of the ordinary might occur.

He blew out a breath. Maybe he had imagined it. He had been quite engrossed in his novel, and it was well past time for him to be sleeping. It isn't unreasonable to assume that the sound of a cat, perhaps, rattling the bins in the alley had startled his tired, occupied mind. Resolving to finish his chapter and go straight to bed, Levi gave the street one last cursory glance, and turned away from the window.

He had just settled back into his chair and picked up his tea cup and his book, when the doorbell rang.

The chime in itself was yet another oddity, for Levi received visitors only very rarely, and never at an hour so late as this.

He set down his drink and lowered the book to his lap with a frown. Better, he thought, not to answer straight away. Then they might leave without causing him any trouble—and if they rang a second time, and even a third, Levi would suppose it might be something urgent and might finally be pressed to receive his unwanted guest.

Much to his pleasure, the bell did not sound a second time. Levi waited, poised to stand, but minutes passed by with no sound at all, and eventually, mildly disgruntled now by the persistent interruptions, he settled back and tried, once again, to read.

He turned the page. Picked up his now lukewarm tea, and took a sip. Sunk down more comfortably into the plush armchair. He felt himself begin to settle. The peculiarities of the night drifted from his thoughts as he read, mind too engaged with the story in his hands to think too deeply over the strange events that had occurred.

And then, without any warning at all, a godawful shriek rent the air as Levi's window was wrenched open from the outside, the wood frame protesting with a violent screech. Levi jerked in his seat, book falling from his hands and his tea cup shattering as it struck the stone floor.

There was a person, making no efforts at all to be quiet, unashamedly clambering in through his window. Levi watched, too shocked to move, while they pulled themself over the sill and crumpled in a heap to the floor.

Levi could do nothing but stare as the intruder heaved themself up. They unfurled long limbs, straightening to their full height, and turned quickly to poke their head out of the open window. They looked left, then right, down, and most peculiarly, up, before pulling themself back inside and slamming the window closed. They drew the curtains shut, and turned to look into the room, casting their eyes about the place as though inspecting it.

They walked with a relaxed gate, seemingly unbothered by their rude intrusion. Levi couldn't be sure if they had noticed his presence, for they made no show of knowing he was even there, and Levi was still too stunned to announce it. He watched the stranger rotate in a slow circle, looking everywhere from the ceiling down to the floor. Satisfied, they slapped their hands to their hips and nodded once, and then their gaze fell on Levi, still sitting stiff as a board in his chair. The light from Levi's lamp cast half their face in shadow, glinting off the lenses of their glasses. Their mouth stretched in a wide, manic grin.

Levi swallowed hard. His courage returned to him swiftly, urging him to his feet. He faced the stranger head on with his face twisted in a scowl.

"What the hell are you doing?"

The intruder's grin only widened.

"Oh, Mike was right after all!"

They crossed to him quickly in two great strides. Levi twisted his head this way and that to watch them as they circled him. This close, Levi could better see the sharp hook of their nose, the angle of their jaw and the whiskey colour of their eyes, with strange, dark markings around their irises, like the face of a clock. He could also see the fingerprint smudges on their lenses. They wore all black, from their muddy boots up to the overlarge hood draped over their shoulders like a small cloak.

"Shitty four-eyes, answer me."

They let out a gleeful laugh.

"Oh, Mike my friend, you are a genius!" They said. And then, to Levi, they added, "Mike can sniff out you Guardians half a universe away, I swear."

Levi had no idea who Mike was, or what a Guardian was, and frankly, he didn't care. He levelled his home invader with a sharp glare. When he spoke again, it was through gritted teeth. "I said, what the hell are you doing climbing through my window? How? I’m three stories up!"

The stranger's smile finally faltered. They tilted their head. "I did try the doorbell."

"Why did you want to be in my house?"

"Ah, well, you see—that's kind of a long story." They turned on their heel and strode into the kitchenette. Levi watched on, incredulous, as they filled his kettle with water and set it on the stove to boil. With one hand, they reached into the cupboard above the sink and rifled through the boxes until they found Levi's stash of chamomile tea, and with the other they reached for the draining board, and plucked up two clean cups by their handles. All of this, while they watched the water begin to simmer in the pot.

They looked oddly at home expertly navigating his kitchen. As though they had been there before. They grabbed the honeypot from another cupboard, and found a spoon in one of the drawers.

"Oi," Levi said. "How'd you know where I keep all my shit?"

The stranger waved their hand flippantly, "Oh, I'm well acquainted with your layout. It never really changes, wherever you are."

"The fuck is that supposed to mean, shitty glasses?" Levi tried to inject an air of disinterested anger into his tone, but the stranger’s words, said so plainly, raised goosebumps on his skin.

They chuckled. "I can't tell you how many times we've had this conversation. I'm Hange, by the way."

Hange brought the tea over to where Levi stood, and held one cup out for Levi to take. He clenched his fists by his sides instead. The tea, upsettingly, smelled perfect; brewed at the right temperature, for the right time, and sweetened with just a drop of honey. When he didn't take the cup, Hange shrugged and set it on the little table by the armchair. They spied the broken china on the floor and smirked, "you never have much luck with that one."

"Excuse me?"

"That cup. It's the one with the gold rim, right? And all the little forget-me-nots around the outside?"

Levi said nothing. Hange, irritatingly and unexplainably, for the cup was in many pieces now and the lighting was too poor to see it in any great detail, was absolutely right.

"You still haven't answered my question," he said.

"Right, right. Like I said, it's a long story. Do you want the unabridged version or are you happy with the footnotes?"

"A summary is fine."

Hange took a great slurp of their tea. "Long story short, I pissed off some very bad people, and now they are after me for my, ah—abilities."

"But why my house?"

"Mike told me where you'd be. And boy, am I glad he did! I barely made it in time. I was aiming to land right in your sitting room, but I guess my calculations were a little off…" they trailed away with a frown. Levi watched their lips work quickly, as though they were running numbers in their head. Then they stopped, and shook themselves off. "Doesn't matter now anyway. I didn't wake you, did I? World hopping can be pretty loud."

That, at least, accounted for the sound Levi had heard outside. But...

"Hange," Levi said. "You've explained nothing."

"Give me a minute, Levi. It's complicated! There's a lot of history and I already know you don't want to hear any of it. Besides, we wouldn't have the time. We'll have to leave early in the morning."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Sure you are," Hange said. "I have to meet up with Erwin, and I need you to get me there."

"Where's there? Who the hell is Erwin?"

Again, Hange waved their hand at him. "Unimportant. Look, what matters is this: I might've messed with the timeline in another universe, and that may have caused some….upset, with some very important and very powerful people. I only changed a little bit!! I met this guy, Onyankopon—he's so cool, you know? Smart as hell. He had this idea that—well, it was the base model for an airplane."

"A what?"

"Well, see, that's the thing. Onyankopon asked the same question, and I just...told him. A little bit. I went a little too deep into the mechanics of it all, and he...well he might have developed a model that works. Two hundred years before it was supposed to exist in his universe. And now the Bureau is looking for me, but I’m not done with Erwin’s mission yet and so I am putting all my eggs in your basket. I need you to get me out of this in one piece.”

Hange looked more sheepish about this insane indiscretion than they had about breaking and entering.

"You're fucking insane," he said. Hange let out a bright laugh.

"So you've told me, more times than I can count."

Levi pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He felt a headache coming on.

"You look stressed," Hange said, sounding almost sympathetic. "Drink the tea! It'll help, though it's probably a little cold by now."

"You're the reason I'm stressed, idiot."

"Sorry about that," they said, not sounding very sorry at all. "I know the circumstances aren't...ideal. I'd much rather have come to you another time and explained everything properly, but—well, I was kind of in a hurry, and Mike sniffed you out, said you were the nearest you to my location. I didn't have much of a choice."

"Who the hell is Mike? Some kind of mutt?"

"Sort of," Hange said with a grin. "He's a Seeker. It's his job to locate people like you—people like us—when the Bureau needs us. Fortunately for me, Mike isn't overly loyal to our dear overseers—his allegiance lies with Erwin, as does mine. And Erwin is decidedly less strict about most of the timelines."

Hange circled around Levi and set their hands on his shoulders. Something strange sparked there, a heat that sunk through skin and muscle and settled right in his bones. They had already ushered him into his chair by the time he shrugged them off.

"What does any of this batshit garbage you're spewing have to do with me?"

"You are a Guardian. It's your role to protect people like me from harm."

"The hell does that mean, people like you? I’m not fighting anyone to save your scrawny ass from anything. You fucked up, you deal with it. "

Hange stood up straight and puffed out their chest. "I am a Keeper. I'm supposed to keep order in the timelines. According to the Bureau, at least. Erwin has other ideas—but that's a story for another time. For now, we should rest. Like I said, we've got to leave early in the morning."

"To go where?"

"To Erwin!" Hange said brightly. "I don't have my pocket watch anymore, so we're gonna have to take the traditional route. There's no way I'll make it on my own. And don’t worry, you won’t have to fight anyone. I’ll explain it all on the journey."

"Look,” Levi said. “Can't you just...drop out of the sky whenever this Erwin guy is? I'm sure he's got his own window you can climb through."

"No can do," Hange said. "I can only hop between universes. I need my watch to move fast within any one universe, and mine took a dunk in a river, during my escape."

"Magic bullshit technology that lets you, what, teleport across the damn globe? And it can't survive a dip in a river?"

"They aren't watertight," Hange said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "And they still run on batteries. Moblit is working on improving the technology."

Levi's head throbbed. He rubbed his eyes and glowered up at Hange, who was watching him with a soft smile. Levi deepened his scowl.

"What's that shitty face for?"

Hange's expression softened further. They looked at him with so much fondness, Levi felt his face grow warm.

"I've missed you, you know," they said. "Well, not you, but—you. It's been...a really long time."

"That makes no sense," Levi said. He meant it, too—nothing Hange had said to him made sense at all. It was the stuff of storybooks, fairy tales; the product of an imagination run wild. And yet, Hange's presence, alarming as it had been and frankly still was, felt oddly familiar. The warmth of their hands still rested on his shoulders. In spite of himself, Levi felt the corner of his lip begin to curl into a small, absent smile. He wrestled it back down.

Hange laughed, a light, lilting thing, and yawned. They crossed the room to Levi's small dining table and dropped heavily into a chair.

"I suppose you're right," they said with a lazy grin. "It doesn't make any sense at all. You'll just have to trust me."

"You broke into my house. You're not selling your reliability very well. And don't even think about it."

Hange looked over at him, surprised. "Think about what?"

"Putting your filthy feet on my damn table."

"Whatever gave you the idea I'd do something like that?"

Levi opened his mouth to answer, but snapped it closed swiftly as the thought, which had come to him thoroughly unbidden, fully registered in his mind. You do it all the time.

Levi pinched his eyes, staring at Hange. They sat with a curious little tilt of their head, watching him with an open, analytical look. Levi squirmed under their gaze.

"I don't know," he said. "Seems like the kind of shit you'd do."

"Like something I've done before?"

Levi flinched, and Hange smiled all teeth at him, a strange mix of impish and pleased. They propped their elbow on the table and rested their chin on their palm. "There it is," they said quietly.

"What?" Levi asked. Too eager. Hange looked thrilled as they straightened up in their chair, eyes gleaming in the lamplight.

"There are a lot of you's, one in every single universe, just like there are a lot of Isabel's, and Farlan's, and Petra's—"

"How do you—you know what, nevermind. Go on."

"But because you're a Guardian, all your you's are linked. And because you're my Guardian," Hange looked weirdly proud at this pronouncement, "it's only natural that you remember me. It'll happen a lot, I'm sure. Try not to freak out."

Levi snorted. "You say that now?"

"Would it have made a difference if I said it earlier?"

Levi mulled that over for a second. No, he supposed it wouldn’t. He’d have thought them completely unhinged either way. Instead of answering, he picked up the tea from the table and drained it in three gulps. When he looked back at Hange, they were smiling brightly at him.

"Just how you like it, right?"

"I prefer it hot."

Hange kicked their heels against the floor and shot him an affronted look. With a petulant pout of their lip, they said, " So unfair, Levi! That's not my fault."

He shrugged them off. He would never admit it to them, but he took some bizarre delight in watching Hange's tantrum. It felt all too natural. They slumped back in their chair, head tipped over the back rest to stare at the ceiling.

"Ah, you're as cruel as ever," they said. "It's good. Very you."

Hange pushed their glasses up to their forehead and rubbed at their eyes. The scene looked painfully familiar; Hange, smiling sleepily, bleary eyed in the low blush of candlelight. Only, in the image forming in his mind, they were resting against a plump, well-fluffed pillow, and their hair was down from its ponytail, still messy and falling over their face. In the image forming in his mind, Levi's own hand reached out to brush a few strands from their cheeks, and Hange turned into his palm, their lips brushing the sensitive skin there.

Levi shook his head, face a little warm. Hange was watching him again. He scowled at them for good measure, gathering up his own cup and theirs, and washing them in the sink. He let the water run cool over his hands for a long moment.

"You should rest, if you're tired," he said. From the table, Hange hummed.

"Good idea," they said. "The bed's big enough for two, right?"

Levi turned sharply to refute them, but Hange didn't give him the chance. They had already heaved themself up out of their chair and kicked off their boots, and now, with the practiced ease of someone who had lived in the house for years, they were wandering down the hall and straight into Levi's bedroom, leaving the door open behind them.

Levi dried his hands slowly on the dish towel. He looked at the armchair, big and well-cushioned, spacious enough for him to recline in for a few hours rest. It wouldn't be the first time, and he had no doubt it would be the last. And then he looked down the hallway, where Hange must have lit the lamp; warm light spilled out into the corridor, and Levi was reminded abruptly of his strange thoughts.

This Hange, they were crazy. Talking the most nonsense Levi had ever heard come straight from another person's mouth. He would be better off resting his eyes in his chair, and kicking Hange out at first light.

That was the logical thing to do. The reasonable thing. That was the desperate plea of his better judgement.

Instead, he blew out his lamp, and stormed down the hallway after them.

"You lie on my fresh sheets in your filthy clothes and I'm throwing you back out the window, Guardian or not."

#levihan #snk #my writing #aaaah I didn't know what to do for this but I ended up having a lot of fun!!!

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snlhostharry · 4 years

Text

rose blush

harry styles x reader

4.5k words

you and harry meet in a small coastal town as your both running away from your responsibilities

a/n: this is loosely based on gold rush by taylor swift, but honestly this story is 50% plot 50% vibes y’know. also i’m obsessed with the concept of seeing harry after a long time apart at one of his concerts as he sings the song he wrote about you like that exact concept has been in multiple fics I’ve written so yeah

Coffee shops are supposed to be a refuge from the outside world. Not your usual starbucks, no you mean the small town coffee shop filled with plants and little to know patrons. The bell on the door jingles briefly as patrons come in and out on occasion. Everyone too wrapped up in their own lives and their own coffee orders to notice you: it’s really perfect. As you type aimlessly on your computer. You’re not paying any attention to the people who come in and out of the small shop, your hyperfocused on the computer and the piles of papers and binders set out in front of you at the table.

That is until someone walks in that no one expected to see. A man enters the shop quietly, wearing a black beanie and a gray hoodie with the hood pulled up over his head. You don’t think anything of him until you hear the barista say, “Oh my gosh your-” And then she cuts herself off as the man nods. You find yourself glancing up at him frequently as he stands at the counter waiting for his order. As it turns out, it’s just a black coffee, and as he says thank you for his drink in an accent that might just give him away he passes you to walk out of the shop.

He glances over at you and your piles of binders at your feet, and the strewn papers on your desk as he heads towards the door. His precursory glance makes him curious about you, and his curiosity gets the better of him and he takes a good long look at you. You meet his eyes briefly, the green orbs capturing all of your attention in a moment that feels long more than anything else. You recognize him and pull your eyes away quickly to fix them back on the computer.

He shakes his head and walks out of the door coffee still safely in hand.

You’re looking at the computer, but your mind is going twenty miles a minute. Harry Styles is in Capitola, and that’s okay right? You think then that fact isn’t going to change anything about what you're here to do and what you’re supposed to be thinking about. Celebrities probably pass through here all the time, it’s nothing new, probably. If you keep telling yourself that then maybe it’ll become true.

Harry Styles seems to like the coffee from this place. Day after Day after Day for what you think is a week, he comes in to get his black coffee, The odd thing about it is he always comes in at different times, sometimes at ten in the morning, sometimes at three in the afternoon, and at all times in between. It’s odd for you because you always come in for a set amount of time from nine in the morning until four in the afternoon everyday at the exact times. You’d read an article that routine is key to productivity so you’d decided to stick to it.

On the eight day of making an appearance at the shop, this time at noon exactly Harry stops before he heads out of the door. He hasn’t really looked at you since the first time (not that you were looking at him to see if he was looking at you or anything you’re just looking for a distraction and curious about what he’s doing) but on the eight day he stops fully. He stands there for a moment being very creepy if you're being honest and then he sits down across from you.

“What are you doing?” He says, accent abounding. He flashes a smile at you, and sits his coffee down on the table, a sign you take to mean that he’s going to stay for a while.

You stare at the computer for a bit longer, thinking maybe it will make him go away but he says. You look at him, struggling to meet his eyes for some reason, and then say, “I’m writing.”

He lets out a small breathy laugh, fully aware that you’re not going to give him the answers he wants. “Why do you come here to write?”

“Because it’s quiet, and there are limited distractions,” You tell him. You lean in closer to him and half whisper, “Except of course for the former one direction member who comes in everyday for only a black coffee.” You go back to staring at your computer, satisfied with yourself.

He's interested in you, and if you weren’t trying to ignore him so much you would be able to notice. “What’s wrong with a black coffee?”

“It’s boring,” You say instinctively.

“It’s a classic.”

“I thought the English were more into tea than anything else.”

“I need the caffeine,” He explains.

You hold up your reusable cup, filled halfway with a green liquid. “Matcha tea, it’s caffeinated.”

He wrinkles his nose, “It’s green.”

“Don’t be a child,” You say with a smile on your face. When you realize that your smiling at him, you quickly fix your face and stare back at the document in front of you even though there’s no way that you could possibly get anything done on it now.

“What would you suggest I try then?” He says, trying to get you to talk to him again.

You click your tongue, trying to think of something. “If you need the caffeine why don’t you try a latte? Cinnamon is a good flavor.”

“A latte?” He says, wrinkling his nose again, “That’s not even coffee.”

“It has expresso,” You say, “And it’s not boring for one thing.”

He huffs, “I don’t know if I can trust your taste.”

“Then don’t,” You shrug.

“So you’re just not going to tell me what you're writing then?” He says, “You’re going to leave me wondering every time I walk in here and see you sitting at this same table.”

You smile at him sarcastically, “Yes.”

He stands up from the table suddenly and says, “Guess I will have to get more creative then.” He doesn’t even wait for a response from you as he picks up his coffee and heads out of the door, the little bell ringing again as he leaves. You look up from the computer and across from you at the seat he just vacated. Something passes over you, maybe a feeling of anxiety or somewhat of a realization that someone famous just talked to you, talked to you about coffee and what you were writing. You didn’t expect that to happen, and you’re not sure if you like it or not.

The next day, you're in the same place, with another cupful of Matcha Tea when Harry walks in. You expect him to follow the same routine, order a black coffee and then leave. That day, he changed his order. You almost don't believe your own ears when you heard him say, “I’ll have a latte, cinnamon and vanilla please.” You try to think that it has nothing to do with you, that maybe he just wanted to change his order naturally or he has a friend who wants that order. But when he receives it and comes over to sit across from you again, you realize that he did change it for you.

“What’s in a latte anyway?” He asks with the same smile.

You sigh, trying to seem uninterested, but the sudden feeling is back. “Espresso and milk I think.”

“You think?” He asks, the surprise in his voice evident.

“I’ve never had one,” You try and keep your sudden urge to laugh under control. You laugh, louder than you meant to at last and instead of looking at you with some kind of horrified look he just smiles.

He shakes his head, “You think you’re funny don’t you?”

“I don’t know about that, I just thought you knew I was being sarcastic.”

“I will have you know I took your words as a dare.”

“Why would you ever think that?”

“Because I grew up with an older sister.”

“Well I’m an only child so, you miscalculated, Mr. Styles.”

He takes a sip of his coffee and muses, “Hmm.” Then he seems to suddenly taste the Latte and almost spits it out. A look crosses his face that you wish you could’ve gotten a picture of and then he tries to recover before saying, “It’s good.”

“Really?” You take a long sip of your tea. “Because it looked like you're regretting your decision to challenge me.”

He shakes his head and takes another sip, making the same face. “No, in fact I’m happy that you encouraged me to make this change. This is delicious.”

You narrow your eyes, “Why don’t I believe you?”

“Do you want to try it?” He asks, holding out the cup to you.

“First off, the amount of germs that would spread is astronomical,” You smile at him, “Secondly yes of course I do.” You take the cup from his hands, “How could I not when you made that oscar worthy face while drinking it?” You peel the lid off the cup and take a sip of the drink. The first thing you state is a frightening amount of sweetness, and then the foam gets caught on your mouth. Lastly comes the sudden shot of espresso as the mess of flavors is finished. You hand the cup back to Harry after putting the lid on and say, “Coffee is gross.”

“That’s not coffee,” He offers, “If you were to try a black coffee you would see.”

“Black coffee is gross,” You tell him, giving him your full attention. “I’ve had it and it’s all bitter.”

He tilts his head to the side for a moment, “Can I ask you something?”

“You’re going to whether I say yes or not.”

“Why are you here?”

“You asked me that last time.”

“Not here like, in town.”

You’re surprised, “Oh.” You cough and then say, “I needed a change of scenery.”

“To write whatever you’re writing?”

“Yeah,” You eye him right back, “What are you doing here, aren’t you supposed to be a world famous pop star?”

He leans back into his chair, “I think of myself as more of a rock and roller.” He folds his hands together on top of the table, “I needed a change of scenery too,” He says earnestly.

You click your tongue and turn back to your computer, “Something tells me that’s going to be the only thing that we have in common.”

He shakes his head, “There’s more than you think I’m sure.”

“Oh yes,” You say sarcastically, “Harry Styles and the mysterious girl at the cafe he frequents, i'm sure we have a lot of shared life experience.”

“You’re so contrary.”

“You’re so hopelessly optimistic.”

He taps his fingers against the table, “I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”

“Good for you,” You shoot back. You can’t see it, because you’re trying to focus your attention back on the computer but he’s smiling at you in a way that he hasn’t before. It’s not a smirk, or something sarcastic or even patronizing. If you were looking you would know that he sees something in you, but you’re not looking. When he gets up and leaves you turn to him and say, “Until next time then.”

He looks at you curiously and then nods.

The next day you’re still at your spot but noticeably without your computer or your piles of books. Quite simply you're stumped on your writing, you don’t know where to go to what to do and although you wouldn’t say it outloud it makes you incredibly angry. The reason why you don’t have your computer with you is because you’d gotten so mad at the thing the night before you thought you might break if you didn’t take a beat of separation. Even though the entire situation obviously isn’t the computer's fault, it’s your fault.

So you sit, mindlessly scrolling through tik tok, trying to think of something to do to keep your mind off the fact that this whole trip could've been for nothing and you’ll never get it finished. Unfortunately the best thing you can think of is the thing that you're already doing, sitting in the same shop that you’ve been sitting in day after day. You wonder if the employees have begun to get annoyed with you, or if they talk about you on their breaks and wonder why you’re always covered in papers or why you type vigorously on your computer keys.

Harry walks in and you look at him immediately before just as quickly moving your eyes back to your phone. He does the same thing he does everyday, gets his order (this time the regular black coffee), and then sits down across from you.

“What happened?”

“I seem to have hit some writers block,” You say, “I had to extricate myself from the work or I would’ve committed computer murder.”

“Computer murder?” He repeats with a small sly smile.

“Do you want to get out of here?” You say suddenly, then correct yourself, “Like talk a walk by the beach or something.”

He looks surprised but he says, “Yes,” right away. Then he pauses and says, “But you have to tell me your name, or what you’re writing.”

You stand up from the table, tea clutched in your hand. “I will do you one better,” You hold your hand for him to shake, “I’m y/n.”

“That’s a pretty name,” The smile on his face seems immoveable.

You roll your eyes, “Flattery will get you nowhere with me.” You start to walk out of the door and he follows you right out onto the sidewalk. The town is small, and the main street is very close to the beach. It only takes a minute or two to get onto the beach and when you do you turn to him and say, “I’m writing my graduate school thesis.”

“Huh,” He says, clearly thinking about something.

You shove your hands into your pockets, “What did you think I was writing?”

“A novel,” He answers quickly.

You laugh out loud, “Seriously? What kind of book?”

“I don’t know,” He laughs a little too, “One of those steamy romance ones.”

“Oh my god,” You say, laughing again. “You thought I was writing one of those honry romance books that gets made into a movie that makes everyone uncomfortable? I don’t know wether to laugh or cry that you would think that about me.”

“Well you wouldn’t tell me, so I had to get creative.”

“Just to make sure that you don’t have to get creative anymore,” You start, “I am writing my master's degree thesis on aerospace engineering.”

He stops walking and just stares at you, “Fuck. You’re a genius.”

“If you read the thesis you would not think that,” You shake your head, “And before you ask if you can read it no you cannot.”

He laughs, “Darn.”

“I’m not a writer,” You say as the two of you continue to walk, “I am a builder, and a math person, this is literal torture.”

“So you came all the way out here to-?”

“Try and see if getting away from the pressure helps at all.”

“Is it working?”

You shrug, “Why did you come out here?”

“Writer's block,” He says, and for a moment you think he’s mocking you but then you see the look on his face.

“Really?” You say.

He sighs, “Usually the ideas just come to me, but I’ve not nothing.”

“So you decided to disappear to a small coastal town?”

“Don’t sound so contrary,” He says, “You did the same thing.”

“Is the word contrary on your word of the day calendar or something?” You accuse him, “Or do you just like the way it sounds coming out of your mouth?”

He turns to you, for a moment, doesn’t say anything and just licks his lips. “I think that you like the way it sounds.”

You roll your eyes, “I’m sure that you're used to thinking that every girl you’ve ever met has been in love with you, but for the record I am not.” You continue, “And not in the way that I don’t date because no one has ever loved me before, just in the way that you live a different life than me.”

He doesn’t say anything, he just nods slowly and the two of you walk in silence for a while. After a while, he clicks his tongue and says, “Aerospace engineering, huh? Do you want to work for NASA then?”

You dig your foot into the stand, hands still clenched in your pockets, “I have an offer from them, but I can only go to work with them if I graduate and to graduate I have to finish this godforsaken thesis.”

He stops walking and steps in front of you, almost causing you to run into him. “The only thing standing in between you and your dream is one essay.”

“One monster essay,” You correct him, “One monster essay that then has to go through edits after I finish seventy five pages.” You cross your arms over your chest when it’s clear that he’s going to stand in front of you as he thinks about something.

“That’s something,” He says, and narrows his eyes at you briefly. You wish you could know what he’s thinking about, because you’re not sure what he means by what he just said.

You roll your eyes again, “Nice to know my personal life makes interesting fodder for your songs. Am I going to be the next Carolina?” You turn on your heels and start walking the opposite way down the beach, you start walking pretty fast and it seems like he’s still in thought because it takes him a while to catch up with you.

“You’re reading too much into it,” He says.

“Am I though?” You don’t even look at him, you just keep walking. “It’s your MO isn’t it? You like girls, or maybe you don’t, they fall in love with you and one way or another they end up immortalized for a bunch of teenage girls and the recording academy to listen to.”

“And you think you know everything about me?” He offers.

You spin around and plant your feet in the sand, causing Harry to run right into you. He barrels right into you, and sends both of you falling onto the ground. Suddenly you're in the sand, with Harry on top of you. You very much regret stopping for dramatic effect as you roll out from under him, leaving him face first in the sand. You sit up and dust sand off yourself as you sit on your knees.

“Do you always have to be so dramatic?” He says, exasperatedly, as he sits up and brushes sand out of his hair.

“Yes,” You sigh, “I study engineering, it's pretty much the only entertainment I have.”

“So you were joking? Back there?”

“No, I was being serious.”

“You really think that just because I’m into you I’m gonna go off and write songs about the aerospace engineering major who has stars in her eyes and perfect hair falls into place everyday the same way? There’s going to be a billboard hit about the girl that who drinks the same tea I don’t understand every single day, and pours over her little computer with diagrams of rocket ships trying to will the words to appear?”

You stop and just look at him. He looks back at you with a deer in headlights expression, and lays back down into the sand like he wishes he would disappear. You sit in the sand, as a breeze blows across the beach. The waves behind you crash against the sand with a sound that you just seem to notice, as Harry seems to have his little crisis, you suddenly notice nature all around you. And you notice the fact that you hadn’t paid any attention to any of it, because you were too busy looking at him.

“You have been watching me,” You say suddenly.

“Not in a creepy way,” He says from his place on the ground, “I have just noticed things.”

:”Well I’m not going to go off and design rockets that are shaped like Harry Styles but-” You sigh, “I have noticed things too.”

“By which you mean?”

You get to your feet and walk over to him, holding out your hand for him. Harry looks up at you and takes your hand, using it to pull himself up until you're standing looking at each other. “I mean, maybe the version of you I've created in my head isn’t the real you. And I would be interested in finding out who Harry is.” He smiles, “And also,” You cup your hands around his cheeks and pull him in for a kiss. He kisses you back immediately, and it goes on until you pull away. “I have to get back to work.”

“Oh so now you can write?”

“What can I say, I think you cured the writer's block.”

You spend the next two weeks actually getting to know Harry. He’s a bit like the person the general public thinks him to be, but there are things about him that he’s never shared in any interview or any tweet. You feel lucky to get to know these things, to get to have these little pieces of him to keep. You know the taste of his lips, his exact coffee order, the way he laughs at jokes that are not funny, the little smile that crosses his face whenever there’s a commercial with dogs or babies, and the fact that if left unattended he will wake up and eat leftover cake at two in the morning.

You like him, you like him a lot, but you don’t allow yourself to fall in love with him. Well maybe you do, in the small ways, the ways that are so easy to push down and not think about. Everytime you think about yourself having some kind of future with him beyond the four walls of the apartments you're both renting you think about something else. You think about how you have your own dreams that couldn’t include him even if you tried, you think about all the things that could go wrong and all the reasons why his life can’t be your life, and you think maybe that’ll be enough to stop you from loving him the way you want to.

One of those things you try not to think about? How good you are for each other. You kissed him one time and it was like your brain lit up somehow you had the energy to work on your thesis and get close to finishing it. Harry helped in his own way, he sat with you in the coffee shop and on the couch as you wrote, telling you that it looked good even though he had no idea what you were talking about. And everyday when you were working he would sit on the floor of your small apartment with his guitar, strumming and singing and creating music finally. You didn’t really understand what he was getting at either but you thought it sounded nice anyway and you liked to see him happy.

None of that makes it easy to leave by any means. That’s the biggest reason why you can’t love him, because you know and you’ve always known that you were going to leave. At the end of the month you both pack up your bags and get ready to go back to Washington DC, and Harry gets ready to go back to London. Both of you knew deep down that it was going to be this way, and so you just push ahead. No crying, no confessions, no big dramatic moments that both of you had become accustomed to, you just kiss one last time and head off your separate ways.

You realize once you're on the plane, leaving the whole thing in the past, that you actually don’t mind if he writes a song about you. Something should come of your time together, you decide because it meant so much to both of you.

Almost a year later, Harry has released another album and he’s coming on tour to Washington. Your thesis is done, and you're working your dream job for NASA, helping to design rockets and other technology. You don’t know why, but you revolve to go to the show. Half of it is because you genuinely like the album, and because you’ve heard that Harry Styles concerts are something that everyone should experience, but half because you want to see him in person because it’s been a long time.

You could tell him that you're coming, but you don’t. You don’t know what to say and most of all you don’t know what you want him to do with it. All the barriers to the two of you having a serious relationship are still there, especially now that he’s going to be on tour for the time being. You don’t tell him you're going, but somehow despite all the doubts that appear in your mind the hours before the concert is set to start you make it all the way there.

You actually enjoy the concert like a normal fan, up until the point where he plays Sunflower Vol 6.

You’ve known Sunflower was about you since the album was released. On the day Fine Line was released, Harry sent you a text that said: I know I said that I wouldn’t write a song about you but I couldn’t help it. Don’t be mad. It’s called Sunflower.

You weren’t mad, and you actually ended up loving the song. Hearing it made you a little emotional however, because it just made you think, think about the time the two of you had spent together and how you wished it could've lasted longer.

You don’t know why, but you text him while he’s playing. You know he won’t see it until after the show and that’s kind of the point. You sound great tonight. Sunflower is beautiful.

Eventually the concert ends and you end up staying in your seat for a little longer than everyone else, just to steer clear of the crowds trying to get out of the building all at once. When mostly everyone around you has cleared out you leave your street and start the walk back to the metro station. You’re walking down a long and mostly empty hallway when you suddenly hear the sound of someone running right behind you. You turn around and see Harry running after you, in a way that reminds you so much of that day on the beach.

“Woah,” You say, suddenly. “Where’s the fire?”

He stops a foot ahead of you, out of breath.

“Did you run around the whole venue?” You ask him.

“Not the whole thing,” He says, finally able to catch his breath. “But a good chunk of it.”

“All for me?” You tease him lightly.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” He asks.

You shrug, “What would you have done if you knew?”

“You could’ve come backstage and met the band and-”

“-and what would you have introduced me as,” You reply, a question that you both know means more than just the words that you’ve said.

He tilts his head to the side and says, “My old friend.”

“Uh-huh,” You say.

“You’re being contrary again,” He says.

“And you're being overly optimistic.”

The two of you stand there for a minute, just getting a good look at one another for what you both think will be the last time for a while.

“I mostly came to hear the song live,” You say, “I’m glad I got to hear you play for real, instead of just on the kitchen floor.”

He laughs, “Personally I think I do my best work on the kitchen floor.”

“We’re going to have to agree to disagree about that one.”

“So you’re just going to go home, then?”

You put your hands into your pockets, and say, “Yeah, I am.”

“Can I at least walk you out then?”

You pause, but then say, “Yeah, you can.”

He smiles, and the two of you start to walk side by side down the hallway.

#will I ever stop writing harry fics based on taylor songs?#probably not omg #especially not if she keeps writing songs that emcompass such specific emotions #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles imagine #harry styles fic #harry styles one shot #my writing

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simpsiren · 4 years

Text

the lookalike;

Huang Renjun, astronomy major. He’s your typical college boy. Responsible, in between average to top in the smartness level, outgoing but wouldn’t bother talking to you if you never approached him. He is however playful and gets violent with his friends very often, verbally and physically. But you wouldn’t know he’s that type of person at first glance. He’s simply soft and kindhearted— if you don’t push his buttons like how his friends do 24/7.

description. What’s worse than having to go though the sufferings of a broken heart from my relationship of five years? Having to get myself tangled up with another man right after, when all I wanted was to sit alone, carry myself through the pain. But when mindless words start to slur out when you’re wanting to simply be done with life, you can’t really do anything about it, now can you? It depends on how the person you said it to interpreted it. And my words just had to be taken seriously.

genre. strangers to lovers, fluff, angst

word count. 8k~

!as they should masterlist!

Tears had been blurring my vision for who knows how long now. I didn’t even know where I was walking. I simply let my legs carry my body, letting it have a mind of its own and deciding where to take me. I wanted to escape, go anywhere but here. Where he lived, where he worked, where he went to school.

Right, on a Sunday night, here I was, walking like a lifeless corpse that just had its life being sucked out when I got dumped from my five year relationship. Of course my heart was shattered into pieces. But right now I didn’t have the energy to pick up each shard that fell. It would take forever. I’d start, just not tonight. I’ll pick myself up quick. All I needed was a night’s rest.

Surprisingly enough, I ended up at a café, or bar. Seemed to be both. Either way it was the only shop which had its lights shining on the pathway through the glass windows that gave me a full view of the inside. There weren’t many people inside, perfect place for me to cry out in one corner. Not that I’d be embarrassed if people were to look at me. I wouldn’t be coming here again anytime soon.

I silently pushed open the door and tiredly slid myself through, not even having the energy to push open the door fully. I scanned my eyes across the place, spotting a table made for two at the very corner, where it was slightly dim due to how deep in it was. I chose to seat there. I threw myself onto the seat and slumped my back into it, letting my body loose and have my head dangle feely looking down as I closed my eyes for a brief moment, thinking “Just how low do I look right now?”

A cough was suddenly heard from beside me in an attempt to get my attention. I shot my head up so fast it almost gave me whiplash. “Do you want to buy anything?” I blinked at the man before me twice. Once at his face that I couldn’t get a clear view of, and the other to his hands that held a notepad. I rubbed my forehead, softly answering, “Is there anything that’s like alcohol but isn’t?” I could tell he already looked confused at my request, his head tilting to the side a few degrees. “I’m sorry?”

I waved a lazy hand at him. “Um...” I trailed off, trying to think of something. “You know what? Get me anything that’ll knock me out in two shots.” I blankly said, giving up on even having to choose what drink I wanted. He hummed and downshifted his head. “Alright.” He walked away soon after. But I knew he had his eyes scanning me up and down for a brief moment, inspecting me before doing so. I sighed and looked out the window. I closed my eyes, the tears falling down yet again. I didn’t bother to wipe a single tear away, admitting and claiming that they’re all mine despite knowing my pride would have never allowed that.

After a few minutes, I was shocked by the knocking on the table. I fluttered my eyes open, seeing the reflection of me as well as the man from just now standing behind me with a cup in his hand. I slowly turned around, my eyes trailed from his shoes all the way to his hair. He seemed to have a small figure. But with that face I’m sure no one would even care about that. He cracked a soft smile and placed the cup down on the table. I looked down into the cup, the reflection of myself making me scrunch my nose. “I didn’t order tea.” I whispered, pointing my finger at it yet keeping my head down.

“But you look like you shouldn’t be drinking.” I tilted my head up to look at him, who had his arms folded and weight placed on one leg. “Do I look that bad?” I gulped, running a hand through my hair with a tired sigh that could go on for three days. “Rough night?” He asked, suddenly pulling the chair from the opposite side to take a seat in front of me. Pulling himself closer to the table, he raised a brow, waiting for my answer. I opened my mouth, yet words couldn’t come up as I looked around the place. “S-Should you even be sitting right now?” I asked with concern.

He shrugged and glanced at his watch for a brief moment then proceeding to lean back into the seat. “Well I can rest unless more customers come, which I highly doubt. It’s Sunday after all.” I chuckled at the last part, nodding my head agreeably. “Yeah... Sunday night.” I reminded myself mentally that I had classes tomorrow. I could only hope I’ll wake up in time. Silence pursued its course between us, with me having my gaze down to the cup of tea, for some reason I wasn’t feeling the urge that I got when coming here. I just wanted to sulk and sink deep into my despairs.

“Drink. You seem to need it.” I sighed quietly and picked up the cup, hands shaking unintentionally from my weakness as I tried to steady my hands more and bring the edge of the cup of my lips. I carefully took a sip. It wasn’t too hot, nor too cold. It was just right. It was the one thing in this cold night that had brought some warmth down my throat and to my heart. Temporary warmth. I could deal with that. “What’s your name?” I suddenly questioned. I figured if he’s going to sit here longer and he needed to then it was best to start a conversation.

“Huang Renjun. Second years in college.” The familiarity of the name rang through my ears. I narrowed my eyes on him, now trying to take a better look at the features of his face. My eyebrows furrowed for a moment as I leaned back and closed my jaw shut before it had time to drop to the floor. “Renjun?! The Huang Renjun?” I echoed, blinking my eyes rapidly as if all the tiredness had escaped my body. He chuckled softly and nodded. “Took you long to recognise me.”

I laughed in embarrassed and hummed. “Sorry about that. Guess I really am not feeling well.” I ran a hand down my face, shaking my head. “I didn’t know you work here.” I began. “I didn’t know you worked at all.” Renjun leaned forward against the table, shoulders raising as he did so. “You never knew because you never been off campus before, now have you?” Renjun tilted his head, a playful and teasing smile dancing on his lips. I frowned. “My major’s a lot harder than yours.” I feigned exasperation and rolled my eyes, making him cover his mouth politely as he laughed.

“I know.” Renjun muttered. “So?” He asked. I raised a brow in a questioning manner. “So what?” Renjun smacked his lips, raising both eyebrows at the same time and letting then fall back down. “So why did you suddenly come here this late into the night looking like a wreck?” I breathed out a short laugh, one that wasn’t suppose to send humour but more of disappointment and sadness. If I had the opportunity to talk it out, might as well take this chance to, no matter who it was I was telling it to. “I broke up with my boyfriend, Kim. Last night.” I gulped. “Well, it’s more of him dumping me.” I shrugged weakly.

Renjun’s silence made me observe him for a moment. He was expressionless, but his eyes were sending feelings of pity, one that I for one didn’t want to see, but I can’t avoid it anyway. “Why did he dump you? Did you do anything wrong?” I scoffed loudly, glancing sideways before laughing in amusement. “What are you, my therapist suddenly?” I asked, expecting him to ask for full details on the whole story. Renjun curled the side of his lips upwards ever so slightly. “I don’t mind if I get paid.” I laughed and shook my head, taking another sip of tea. The weight in my body was slowly lessening the more I talked to Renjun, my body began to feel lighter. I know a feeling like this would only be for tonight, just having to sit here and have a normal conversation about my situation without falling apart.

I proceeded to tell the story from square one, how I met Kim, to going sidetracked a little by describing how perfect of a boyfriend he was but I was simply blinded by my own love for him to realise his toxicity until the very end. Bad choice, of course. “And look at where that got me.” I closed my eyes for a short moment, my memories with him flashing by like a movie tape. It disgusted me, but it also made my head ache in many ways but one. I hated it. “It doesn’t seem that bad.”

I widened my eyes, surprised at his reply. “What do you mean?” Renjun ruffled his hair casually as he said, “You got to meet me.” Renjun played a confident smile, which only seemed to be charming. Though Renjun and I never met in a proper setting, we were mere acquaintances, one that would see each other on campus often and nothing more. But this was the start of our relationship.

We talked for hours, I had forgotten about time completely. Topics changed like flickering lights and varied in the most weirdest ways possible. I slowly grew tired, my brain working slowly with its gears getting weaker. I had my head on the table, the emptied cup pushed to the side against the clear window. I had my eyes half opened at this point, I wasn’t even able to think straight as if I actually did get drunk. “Do you want to help me?” I softly murmured. Though I think it was only for my ears, it was loud enough for Renjun to let out a, “Hm?”

“Help me...” I whispered, slightly louder this time. “Help me get this shit show over and done with.” I couldn’t hear his reply, but I was fast asleep the second after.

“I said that?” I asked, not sure if I was directing it to myself or to Renjun who was just coming with two cups of coffee, so surprised that I leaned back with a hand to my chest. Renjun sat down and nodded his head. “How could you not remember? It’s not like you were drunk last night.” I scoffed softly. “From how sad and dead I was last night, it kind of felt like I was.” I whispered, quickly taking a sip of the coffee in hopes to got myself to wake up a little.

My mood had still been feeling the same as last night the moment I woke up today. My heart was still heavy, it didn’t allow my body to loosen up. I was dragging my existence from place to place I was that lifeless and mentally drained from that one night my heart fell apart. “Well first order of business. No going to classes for a week.” I almost wanted to drop the cup then and there, but I held it firm and place it down, the noise from it making contact with the table loud and clear. “Woah I’m sorry what?!” I asked in shock.

Renjun’s expression was unbothered by my reaction. “You heard me right.” Renjun took a sip. “You’re physically and mentally drained. It doesn’t take a sidekick to see that. So just rest for awhile, and we can hang out in the meantime.” He shrugged and leaned back into his seat, shoulders relaxed and calm. “Don’t you have classes too?” Renjun smiled gently. “Haechan told me you guys start your lectures after mine which means I can still go without missing any.” I lips formed an ‘O’ as I nodded slowly. How did he know Haechan? That I questioned mentally. I did know Haechan practically has connections with the whole school somehow.

“But if you insist on going I don’t mind waiting for you at your department building.” Renjun raised his eyebrows. “But don’t take the lectures seriously for awhile, you know? Loosen up a little. Cheat, steal notes or something. Just have time to rest. The breakup really has hit you hard, huh?” Renjun eyed me up and down, not in a scrutinising manner, but it really did felt like one with a gaze like his. “Woah are you seriously telling me to do things you would never do?” I gasped loudly. Renjun bobbed his shoulders. “I mean I would do it if I wasn’t keeping my good student image. But I don’t see you having that much so.”

I rolled my eyes. “Rude.” Renjun chuckled. “I should be going for class now. See you at four?” Renjun quickly stood up, grabbing his bag from the other chair next to him. After he reassured that he had everything with him, he made eye contact with me. “See you.” Renjun downshifted his head, his lips curling up to form a smile that not going to lie, looked cute. But I quickly shook that thought out of my head before it could get any deeper.

The day went by. All I had my mind on was my ex, but my focus was slowly shifting to Renjun as time passed. Why did I even meet him in the first place? What was the purpose of someone who was of no significance in my life would suddenly be playing a big role in me wanting to get over my heartbroken phase? Questions like these circled and wrapped itself around my brain. So much so that I couldn’t properly concentrate during the lecture, which had me asking Haechan for notes just like how Renjun suggested me to.

I was making my way to the entrance when I saw Renjun standing right outside at the side. His hair captured the sunlight beautifully and it took him zero effort to have him noticed by the girls who were walking out. I had to admit he was attractive, now that I was not blinded by the fact I always thought my ex was the most perfect human on earth. I made my way to Renjun. But surprisingly, Haechan made it before I did, shocking the life out of Renjun with a rough pat on the shoulder. “Renjun!” Haechan shouted.

Renjun let out a disgusted expression and pushed Haechan away from him. I walked up to them, with Haechan surprised to see me standing before them while Renjun greeted me with a welcoming smile. “I swear I will throw a chair at you if you stop being annoying.” Renjun said as he adjusted the straps of his bag on his shoulders. Haechan leaned back and gasped loudly, giggling right after. “Like hell you would.” Renjun shot him a scary glare, one that even made me scared and intimidated by him. Haechan grew quiet instantly. “So uh why’s she here?”

Haechan took a step back when Renjun went towards me to stand by my side. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his black jeans casually. “I’m going to hang out with her today. So don’t bother calling me out tonight alright?” I turned my head to look at Renjun, who had a cheeky smile on his face. Haechan frowned and let out a whine. “You promised to join the party!” Haechan folded his arms. Renjun lifted up his shoulders. “Sorry.” Haechan huffed loudly and walked away.

“If you have a party to get you don’t need to-” “It’s fine. Really. They aren’t my thing. I usually study.” Renjun flashed a reassuring smile. He walked forward while I was still standing still, probably feeling surprised that I was even about to go out with someone I’ve never interacted before until now. “What are you waiting for?” I looked up from the random spot on his back I was staring at and blinked my eyes rapidly. With a slight shake of my head, I smiled amicably and walked up to him after adjusting my bag that was slung on one shoulder.

“Wait where are we going?” I questioned as Renjun and I took slow strides on our way out of campus. Renjun glanced up to the sky thoughtfully before looking back down and meeting my eyes. “Not sure, actually. Any ideas?” My lips formed a thin line. “Can we head to a library?” Renjun made a disgusted face, tongue sticking out slightly to add on. “Library? So you’re the kind that studies your problems away or what?” He feigned exasperation. I rolled my eyes and chuckled softly. “I mean... well that’s part of it. But I want to find a book to read too.”

Renjun shrugged casually. “If you want a book we can buy one from a bookstore.” My eyebrows go up, eyes narrowed at him. “Buy? Does it look like I have money?” I said, moving my hand up and down my outfit as if that even gave him an idea of how broke I was. “I could pay. If you promise to read the book, that is.” I scoffed and waved his words away. “Ah please. I can finish a book within a week if I truly like it. And trust me, I know when a book catches my attention.” I folded my arms confidently and I fought back.

“Bookstore it is then.” Renjun announced with a nod of his head. Though it was silent on our way there, I didn’t mind it. It wasn’t the kind of silence that breathed down our throats and would force us to let out a word at all. Comfortable silence, was what I’d describe our trip. We finally arrived, the name of the bookstore sitting above the door with a sign that said the shop was opened on the clear glass door. I took a peek inside for a moment. Though I’ve never been in quite some time, it didn’t seem to change much. Renjun was quick to open the door and almost letting the door shut. He was able to notice it and open back the door for me to enter. I smiled and looked to the floor as I walked in.

My gaze lifted itself from the floor and to my surroundings, which is basically shelves and shelves of books with two display rectangular tables in the center. I looked above the bookshelves, seeing the labels of the different genres. I instantly took quick steps to the fantasy books. “So you read fantasy?” Renjun said in an unusually low voice, adding on was his close presence behind me which could’ve made my breath hitched in my throat if I didn’t hold myself up. “I used to like romance. But the shit in romance novels never happen.” I picked a book off the shelve that seemed to have an interesting title. I flipped to the back and ran my index finger down the synopsis, quickly scanning through.

“It’s all... fake.” I whispered in the end, my voice was barely audible at the mention of ‘fake’. Renjun hummed and stood beside me instead of behind. With clasped hands behind his back, he scanned hus eyes over the bookshelf, head turning along while he did so. “Fantasy is fake too. They’re called fiction for a reason.” Renjun commented, which made me frown slightly when I realised what he meant. “I was just referring to the romance ones. Just too good to be true. And...” I lips formed a thin line as I exhaled sharply. “You can easily get sucked into holding the highest of standards without realising how harsh the real world is.” I forced a smile, looking at Renjun as I shoved the book I skimmed through back into its place, keeping my eyes on him.

I walked down to look through more books, Renjun would either be looking at me, peering with his head beside mine to read whatever I had in my hands at the moment, or skim through some books for himself. With quick glances I could tell he was only doing that out of boredom. “Okay, I have to choose one of these.” I muttered to myself, noticing how I had a large stack of books piled in my arms. I quickly eliminated most till I was down to two. Placing them both on the bookshelf, I nudged Renjun on the arm, turning his attention from the outside to me with a questioning hum. “Which one should I get?”

Renjun didn’t give a verbal reply, immediately picking one up to quickly read through and doing the same for the other. “Can I get one of the books? It seems interesting.” Renjun mumbled at he grabbed one of the books. I shrugged. “I don’t mind. But we’re switching books once we’re done with them. Got it?” Renjun furrowed his eyebrows. “Excuse me I’m the one paying for these.” I stick my tongue out like an annoying kid. “Yeah, whatever.” I turned sharply and headed straight for the counter. Renjun proceeded to pay and we checked out.

I never had an outing like this in a long time. My ex would simply drag me out to do other things that were out of my comfort zone, that were thinga I didn’t want to do. But being here, especially with Renjun, had made me feel that sense of belonging, one that I so dearly forgotten and missed. All I could think about now while laying in bed was Renjun, but I smacked my lips, forcing to shove the thoughts of him in the back of my mind and open the book to the first page.

“I’ve been here before. A lot of times, actually.” I said, with a finger to my lips. Renjun wanted to surprise me by taking me to a place to hang out, little did I realise it was the place my ex and I always went to. I turned to look at Renjun, who now had a frown on his face. One that so closely resembled Kim. It made my stomach form tight knots. “Is this where you’ve been with your ex?” As if Renjun read my mind, I slowly nodded. Rejun clicked his tongue and cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. If this place brings you bad memories then-” I brought my hand up to hold his forearm, flashing him a gentle smile. “It’s fine.” I whispered, heading in.

We bought the picnic basket and headed out to the large field on grass, with flowers surrounding the perimeter. We chose a random spot, making sure we had a good view... of whatever we could see in the sky and sat up. We began to unpack and once we had all the food laid in front of us, we sat down next to the each other, legs both crossed with our knees touching. “So you wanted to take me out on a picnic?” I questioned in surprise, reaching out for a slice of watermelon. Renjun breathed out a short laugh and nodded.

It did make me think about how Kim and I used to come here a lot. It was our place. Though it pained my heart to be here, the burden somehow lifted itself with Renjun’s presence. His aura and being got me distracted. Indeed, whatever Renjun had always been doing, has helped me move on from Kim. We chat and ate laughing and coming up with random things to argue about for the fun of it. “Excuse me? I’ll have you know cats are the most adorable house pets one could ever have!” I shouted with force. “No! Dogs!” Renjun protested and the both of us laughed.

At a time like this, I realised just how similar Renjun was to Kim. The way he smiled, laughed. When I got home, the small decor we got from the picnic basket in my hands, I recalled the day I had with Renjun. How we got to see the sunset, the sky turning pink with streaks of orange, slowly turning itself into ink black to allow the night to settle in. My thoughts were at first innocent, but it was slowly growing dark. “Why do I see Kim in your eyes, Renjun?” I whispered to myself, thumb hovering over the decor. I couldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t even have a single thought of this.

Another time like this came about when Renjun took me out of a hangout to the arcade. He offered to pay, like he always did. And we played for hours. I saw the way he played with so much fire and passion, even if it was over a simple game of DDR or a shooting game. He’d do anything to beat me. He was competitive, just like Kim. “You didn’t have to go hard on me!” I whined, placing the gun down with a hard slam and a huff of annoyance. Renjun turned me around by placing both hands firmly on my shoulders. He took a large step in front, closing the gal between us till our chests touched, the strong sense of pulling him closer was there as he dipped his head down to meet my gaze.

“You mad, babe?” Renjun whispered, sending an electric shock throughout my body from the contact of his hands. That was the first time he called me babe. And that made a feeling in my body that I knew all too well. The butterflies fluttering in my stomach, how my lungs clenched at the close proximity of his face to him, yet I wouldn’t bother grasping for air, I wanted to stay like this— close. I looked up at him and narrowed my eyes. “Excuse you can I not be? You beat me at almost every game!” I rolled my eyes and jerked myself off his grip. I wanted to turn around but he was quick to have a hold of my wrist to pull me back into his embrace.

With his hand slowly gliding around my waist, he placed his hand there gently, somewhat leaving a gap between his hand and my skin but was still able to pull me close with the tug of my wrist. Renjun pouted deeply and shook his head. “Not true! I let you win the basketball game.” Renjun curved one side of his lips up in a defeating smirk. I stuck my tongue out in annoyance. “No you just sucked at playing basketball.” I teased, laughing loudly which made Renjun laugh as well, smacking my arm lightly. “Shut up.”

I looked into his eyes. In a busy place like an arcade, it’s as if everything else had been wiped out, leaving Renjun and I with pure silence in my head when we locked eyes. I was falling, trapped in his gaze. My feelings for Renjun only grew more and more when he began to express himself as more than just a friend. He was trying to get me. I knew he began to like me that day. When Renjun and I walked home, he had his eyes on the ground. We were silently walking, which felt unusual to me. He never seemed this quiet.

With a quiet sigh I looked to the side, looking at the street lamps that illuminated the pathway with an orange hue, with a cold breeze whispering through the trees. Suddenly, I felt a touch of electricity. I slowly looked down to my hand, seeing Renjun sliding his hand to meet my hand and threading his fingers between mine. The touch sent a shock through my veins. It felt like I was suddenly lit and energy coursing in me. “Is this why you were quiet this whole time?” I questioned Renjun, a small smirk of tease playing on my lips as I lifted our hands up in front of him.

Renjun widened his eyes for a split second and quickly shook his head. He scoffed in denial. “What? No.” He retorted back. “But it was smooth, wasn’t it?” Renjun asked with a light giggle. I breathed out a laugh and sighed loudly in satisfaction, tilting my head up to meet the dark sky of the night. “Tonight’s been fun.” I whispered softly. But I stopped in my tracks, making him turn his body to face mine. “But we’re going to study once we get on campus.”

Renjun gaped his mouth open in shock, eventually turning his shocked expression into a pitiful one while letting out a long whine. “Why?! I don’t wanna study.” I chuckled and brought my free hand up to play with his soft hair. “You don’t need to. Just accompany me while I study. I have a lot to catch up on.” I smiled softly, which he responded with a sweet smile back.

It didn’t need a confession. We didn’t need to say it out loud. We felt our longing for each other and it naturally began, more physical touching, calling each other babe. It was just the beginning of our relationship, but what confused me was how easy I was able to fall for Renjun, after trying for so long to get over Kim. Just what was it in me that had me make that quick switch?

As time went on and I got to spend more time with Renjun, my feelings for him spurred quickly. But I knew it was the wrong kind. It’s the one that held my feelings for Kim still. I just saw Renjun as him and wanted to get close to him for the sake of feeling the love again. “Fuck. I’m using him.” The realisation came quick, though it took me awhile to know. I might have noticed from the very start, but I chose to ignore it, thinking it wasn’t true. With this keeping me up all night and putting me in a bad place with my overthinking, I wanted to distance myself from Renjun for awhile, which in the end got me to continue with this lie.

“You good?” Renjun questioned. We were hanging out by the field of flowers, having a silent book readin session as I laid my shoulder on his. He probably noticed me staring off into the distance and haven’t read a single line on the same page for at least ten minutes. I shook my head slowly and forced a smiled, turning my head to look up at him. Trying to seem normal, I answered, “Yeah. Just stressing over an assignment.” I tilted my eyes back down to my book. I trailed off in my thoughts too much that I even forgotten when I was at in the novel.

I did what I only could’ve thought of, which only led to his stubbornness and determination track down why I’ve been avoiding him for an entire week.

“Open the door. I know you’re in there.” I woke up to Renjun’s voice and his violent knocking that shook me awake. I winced at the sunlight that went in through the window uninvited and clearly unwanted. It was too much light for someone who’s going through a confusingly hard time. I gulped and rose out of bed, slowly walking to the door when the realisation hit me. I had to tell him about it. I couldn’t avoid it any longer.

I slammed my palm hard on my forehead. Why was I even dumb enough to do this in the first place? I knew all too well he’d come for me eventually. What was the point of me running away to avoid my feelings? I breathed out slowly, wanting to steady my heart which had been pounding so hard in desperation to get out of my ribcage. After closing my eyes for a moment, I grabbed the door handle that was creepily cold to the touch and opened the door.

I looked at Renjun standing in front of me. He looked tired, as if he stayed up all night. He didn’t bother to look presentable with his messy hair, puffy face, eye bags as dark as the moon. He looked restless. This wasn’t him at all. He seemed out of place. He said nothing, simply walking into my room after shoving me aside lightly with his hand. I followed behind him, too scared of how he might react while he interrogate me.

Renjun went to sit at the edge of my bed. I took the chair of my study table and pulled it to seat in front of me. With my actions so uptight and out of place, I knew that he knew that something was wrong. Clearly wrong. I watched as Renjun closed his eyes, somewhat in a way to compose himself of whatever feelings he was having at the moment. But when he met my eyes, it was intimidatingly dark. He was staring right into my soul, possibly reading whatever’s in my heart.

He leaned forward and interlocked his fingers together in front of him. “An explanation would be nice.” He said in a monotonous voice. I wasn’t liking this one bit. Renjun was scary. Like there was a fire inside him that no one could put out yet he’s able to keep his tone raw and bare. “I...” I began to trailed off, trying to quickly form a sentence. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I tried to force myself to speak.

“I’m sorry.” I let out, looking down. With my head tilted down, my eyes looked to his again. And I could tell they were now filled with anger, and disappointment. “I know you are. But why?” Renjun asked again. I swallowed all my feelings down my throat in hopes that I won’t spill them out and cry while trying to explain. “I used you, okay? When I first met you, and we began to hang out, you just so vaguely resembled Kim and I...” The tears began to well up in my eyes. My vision got blurry and I lost sight of Renjun.

“I just thought I could get over him if I forced myself to fall for you.” I blinked my eyes, the tears giving in and streaming down my dried cheeks, wetting them with guilt and resentment towards myself. Renjun was sitting still in front of me. There was no expression change in his face, and that scared me even more. But what was said next, had my heart shattering even more than it did last time. “So I see there was no point in liking you in the first place.” Renjun stood up. But after he took one step, I quickly rose from the chair and grabbed his wrist, holding onto it tightly as if trying my best to hold onto his heart that could now slip away from my grasp at any second.

“What?” Renjun asked, a hint of annoyance shining through his tone. That simple word rolled hard off his tongue, and I knew he meant for it to slice through my sliver of hope. I feel the sting of the word, like a pinprick, like the word itself is trying to pop me the way it pops my thought bubble “My feelings are real, Renjun. None of it was fake.” I pleaded, holding myself back from shedding more tears. “You’re just contradicting yourself.” Renjun jerked my grip off him roughly, hard enough for me to stumble a step back in shock. My mouth was still agape, my brain trying its best to work fast on how I could make this even the slightest bit better. It’s as if the

But as soon as I saw Renjun taking his steps to my door, I knew there was nothing left for me to do. The door slammed shut, and he was completely out of my view. When he went away, for a long moment, I went empty too, like all of me just flooded out and disappeared. Then it hit me. Renjun wasn’t going to come back. He’s never going to talk to me again. I dropped to the floor as if all the life has been sucked out of me, the earth wanting to drain me of my ever happiness as punishment. It’s like the world went blank and still, and so do I. My chest is clenching tighter and tighter, suffocating my lungs and stopping me from breathing in air.

“Fuck you’re stupid.” I croaked out, my eyes shut so tight with my head hanging loose to face the ground in embarrassment. My heart pounded so hard I thought my bones might shatter. I could hear it in my eardrums as all the feelings that were pinching me inside slowly grew numb. My eyes were puffy and I was loosing myself in that moment. I risked everything I had with Renjun for the sake of my pride. And I’ll never know if I could ever overcome this swelling pain.

Weeks went by. I used to count how many days I went without Renjun, but I stopped. What was the point to that anyways? I guess it served me as a coping system to reassure myself that I could be well withhout Renjun. But I knew deep down I wasn’t. Not at all. The hours, minutes, seconds of ever day went by as if forever. And it hurt every time. I never got Renjun out of my mind, no matter what I tried to do. Study, go out for a drink, read. Nothing. Because it all related back to Renjun. He was so entangled into my life within that short time span that it felt almost impossible to do anything.

I would occasionally see Renjun walk on campus with his group of friends. He had the smile that he mentioned he’d only show to me, for me. I could hear his laughter down the hallway and my heart would break just a little more. It was hard. He was my only friend. And yet he’s better off without me, knowing he had others to go to. I was alone, and I had myself to blame for that.

One day, I couldn’t bare it any longer. I wanted to talk to him. In any way. I just needed a second of his time, of his touch. This afternoon after my lecture, I saw him walking alone on campus. He had his head held high and confident, occasionally greeting people he knew. The smile never left his face, and his hair captured all the sunlight as if it was all shining on solely him. I wanted to move, but something in me had my feet rooted to the ground. Perhaps it was me knowing that he was indeed better off without me, and I had to live with this weight in my heart.

“You’ve been staring at him for so long.” I startled awake from my trailed off thoughts when a voice sat itself low beside my head. I turned around, meeting Haechan’s face close to him. I leaned back from the sudden shock. “I know something’s wrong.” Haechan He shrugged in a blasé, god-could-care sort of way, knowing it would get me alert. “He told you, I suppose?” I whispered, looking down to my feet that missed their chance at carrying me to Renjun. Haechan scoffed, almost in a sarcastic manner. “He told me nothing. I’m just observant.” He corrected me with a professional sort of tone.

My eyebrows go up in question, but I soon gave a lifeless expression after. “It’s none of your business.” I was about to walk away when he prevented me from even taking one step with his grip on my wrist. I turned around to meet his eyes. For a moment it flashed pity. “Care for coffee?”

I gulped, my eyes never leaving the coffee that was in front of me, reflecting my terrible face in it that made me grimace at myself silently. I frowned, looking up to Haechan who was staring at me as if watching my every move with his lip cup resting on his lips. “What am I here for?” I finally asked after the long silence passed by. Haechan sighed for three days. “Don’t think Renjun has been well off without you.” He said straight up, no filter, no nothing. I stared at him, rendered clueless. I tried to sink in his words but I quickly got cut off when he continued with, “Trust me. I know Renjun my whole life. He’s putting on a show for you. Though you and I don’t know what he does behind closed doors. I know the way you currently view him is not him at all.”

Haechan’s words got me wanting to speak, but not a single word could leave my mouth. So many things came into my mind. So many questions I wanted to ask. But I guess the overload made my brain lag and unable to process anything but Haechan’s words. “How is he?” I managed to spoke, though it cracked for a moment and it was barely audible. “He acts fine around us. As if we don’t know him enough to know that he’s been ditching us to hang out with you.” Haechan chuckled lowly and shook his head. “If anything, he needs you to approach him. I mean I know he’d be doing it first if it wasn’t for his god annoying pride.”

Haechan leaned closer, with a mysterious gaze that pulled me in response, as if he wanted to tell a secret. “Whatever you two have going on, fix it. I don’t like seeing my friend put on a show for a girl. Make him happy again. And do whatever it takes.” Haechan rose from his seat, the screeching of the chair making contact with the floor as he pushed it back to allow himself to slip away from the table. He casually walked out, his footsteps sharp and precise and soon disappear. Bullets of Haechan’s harsh words buried themselves in my chest. But soon a coil of hope unraveled in my stomach.

I sat there, still in awe. How could I not believe Haechan’s words? He’s Renjun’s best friend. If Renjun really was going through a hard time, all the more I had to do something about it. I sighed, slowly changing my gaze from the random spot on the chair in front of me to my phone that sat quietly on the table. With a shut of my eyes, I reached for it, turning it on and going to Renjun’s contact. I never changed it. It was still ‘Annoying prick<3’ I breathed out a short laugh. My thumb shakily went to the call buttoned and hovered over it for awhile. I had no idea what I was going to do if he picked up. But I went for it anyway.

The ringing was beginning to haunt me by the fifth time. And just when I wanted to end the call, it picked up and I could hear Renjun’s shallow breathing through the speaker. “Hey.” He simply said. Hope provided a burst of warmth inside of me. “Are you free tonight...?” I questioned slowly with much uncertainty. A long pause went by. It was killing me. “Yeah.” Renjun’s short answers sounded normal. But something about it sent a cold chill down my spine. “Meet me at the park at 10. You know where.” I quickly ended the call and pressed the phone close to my chest. I was so nervous that I didn’t even get his confirmation that he’ll be there. Looks like I’ll be taking my chances like a real idiot.

That night, the cold seemed to be pinching my bare face. I sat there on the bench. At first my hopes were high and I was waiting with my back straight and shoulders back to give a good impression. But as hours went by as the temperature seemed to drop tremendously and I could feel my lips and face freezing up, I slowly slouched and huddled myself in a tight hug, claiming desperately for warmth. The only thing that was currently giving me hope was the bright moon shining its light on everything with the stars to accompany it with its little to no presence, yet still as prominent as the moon to me.

I wasn’t prepared for such a night at all, simply coming here in a hoodie and sweatpants. I bit my lower lip as my overthinking began to trail itself down a dark path. I swallowed down my hurt feelings, closing my eyes and simply wanting to take a break from all I had endured. I needed the rest. Suddenly, I felt something heavy draped over my shoulders, wrapping around my around. The action got me to hold my body still. But I managed to flutter my eyelids open and turn to look the one responsible.

“Renjun.” I softly called out. I cracked a weak smile. “You actually came.” “You dumb fuck.” Renjun’s words got my expressionless and tired face to make mold itself into a shocked one. He roughly placed his hands firmly on my shoulders and turned my upper body to face him. My eyes met his, and he was examining every inch of my face in worry. He cupped my cheeks in his hands, his palm welcoming itself with warmth. His gentle touching imbued with care was instantly recognisable. “How long have you been waiting out here?” Renjun’s voice was highly concerned.

“Not long.” I slowly replied. Renjun shook his head intensely and pulled me into his embrace. It was tight, yet not suffocating. It was one that’s all too familiar. “You idiot. Don’t you know how to determine when it’s finally time to go back?” Renjun whispered, his worrisome still obvious in his tone. I rest my head against his chest, his heart beating rapidly against my ear that was pressed right at where his heart was. Did he come running here?

“How can I? I know no bounds when it came to you.” I whispered, a teardrop instantly falling out of my already overflowing eyes. I pressed myself into him more, my hands eventually lifting themselves up on instinct to wrap around Renjun’s chest. Renjun placed his chin on top of my head, slowly tilting it down to plant a soft and feather-like kiss on the crown of my head. “I hate you. I still do. But I’m not worth enough to have you waiting out here in the damn cold.”

The ground between us feels a little more solid but the rest of the world shakes like it’s built on a high wire miles above the earth, crashing down and leaving only Renjun and I still standing, still here in this moment. My heart began to pick up its pace, with a heartbeat that threatened to tear through my ribcage from Renjun’s ever so careful touch. Renjun sighed and pulled away, my body still close to his. He gaze met mine and he never failed to have it locked on me. That action alone was enough to make me break out in goose bumps, to make my stomach crisscross into deep knots.

“Say that you love me.” Renjun was studying my eyes, as if looking into my soul for any more lies. But I quickly reverted it. “I love you.” I was sincere, from the bottom of my heart. And I tried my heart to have my eyes and voice tell it for him. Renjun hugged me close again and kissed my forehead, letting his lips stay there as it brushed lightly above my skin.

“I may be Kim’s lookalike. But I’m much more different when I’m with you.” I hummed in reply, my body going limp under his touch as I let his warmth surround me with his love that I truly missed.

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