#I had participated in previous fandom weeks; but I never finished them or took the prompts and finished them YEARS later lol

[your-zipper-is-down]

UU Week Day 7, a song/poem/quote you associate with Undead Unluck:

Vancouver Sleep Clinic - Killing Me to Love You

I'm cheating a little, because I chose a song I associate specifically with BillyTella, BUT HEAR ME OUT.

The song I associate most with UU is 01; it is the reason I started the manga, and it has a dear place in my heart. BUT I felt it was a cop-out lmao.

(The other song is Teppeki, but I'm already writing a fic inspired by it OOPS)

SO- I took the opportunity to try and materialize the BillyTella AMV that plays in my head with this song- mind you, I hadn't touched an editing software in like, 6 years, but as soon as I saw the prompt I knew I had to try to do it. It's a mess. But it is my mess 💖

It's mostly for their 100th loop versions, but I throw some refs to the next loop in there too.

(The reason why I chose to upload it to yt instead of like- here, is because: 1. Wanted to add subs, 2. Wanted to embed it into my AO3 account to have the 7 prompts in there)

[caplanbuckybarnes]

CAPLAN'S SUMMARY CHALLENGE!

UPDATED THE RULES FOR MORE FUN!

Rules:

Don’t have to follow me to participate (but ofc it’s always appreciated!)

Must use the summary as a prompt.

No due dates

ANY CHARACTER/FANDOM WILL BE ACCEPTED!

You can take as many prompts as you like as long as you finish and submit the previous prompt to me.

Multiple people can chose the same prompt

No word limit

Prompts under the cut

use #caplanssummarychallenge so i can find the fics!!

Summary; he was all you knew and all you loved. Until he wasn’t.

Summary: you weren’t always a monster.

Summary blind date is actually an old high school bully. It doesn’t go as you thought it would.

Summary; Remember when you said you’d marry me? Today’s our wedding day and you’re not here to see it.

Summary: your partner died in car crash a few years ago. You never thought you’d fall for anyone ever again. Until a new neighbor moved in next door.

Summary: Cold winds and warm hearts don’t always mix in the right ways.

Summary;You left me when I needed you most but you expect me to forgive you. How?

Summary; the first “i love you” of the season

Summary: on a summers evening, your life changed all for the better

Summary: all it took was one second if courage and now, your walking the red carpet with an amazing hottie for a date. Ofc, the person in question was only doing it for the press. He smiles, the kisses upon your cheek. But what happens when you fall madly in love with them?

Summary: you discover you’ve been dead for a month only because your confined to your best friends house. Did they kill you?

Summary; You’re in line to be the next ruler of your kingdom. But first, you must marry the young ruler of your worst enemy. Would you risk all of your happiness for the sake of stopping a war? Or will you find true love in the town’s pub?

Summary: Your parents died in a horrible murder aboard a cruise ship. The trip was only supposed to last a week, however, the ship became a hostage situation- turned murder case after the yacht docked for a short time. It was up to you and your team to discover the reasoning behind the betrayal.

Summary: time flies... and so does your love for them.

Summary: who is the stranger that moved into the apartment next door and why, oh why, do they seem so familiar to you?

Summary: your spouse is secretly a criminal and you’re the law officer assigned to expose their secret identity. Would you risk your relationship for the good of the city? Or your entire career?

Summary: you never believed in soulmates... until you spotted a very familiar scar on the forearm of a childhood bully. Surely you were seeing things???

Summary: you’ve been best friends since childhood... how the heck were you supposed to know soul mates weren’t just for romance?

Summary: scouring the seven seas looking for treasure.... and you discover a long time best friend had been captured from your hometown. It’s up to you and your crew mates to take back what’s yours... but what the hell do you do when you somehow fall deeply over the voice of the goddamn enemy’s offspring??

Summary: taco stands and pep rallies... was this really how your life long partner was supposed to meet you?

Summary: she was all you’d ever wanted. The problem? She worked for the man you hated. Also, she was dating your best friend. Was getting her worth losing everything?

Summary: a grocery store trip ends up as a date when you catch an older flame looking absolutely stunning.

Summary: well... vampires are sexy... I guess?

Summary: the events leading up to how you figured out your childhood enemy is actually your soulmate

Summary: welp.... if vampires can walk in sunlight, can a werewolf transform freely?

Summary: falling in love at the supermarket wasn’t on you to-do list today, yet here you were snatching looks at a cute stranger.

Summary: he goes away for a week only to return with all the gifts you ever wanted.

[kingreywrites]

Tradition

Fandom: Tangled

Word Count: 2624

New Dream Appreciation Week Day One: The Day of Hearts

Summary: "Hey Blondie," Eugene said quietly. She looked down at him as he turned around a little to face her more comfortably. "What do you think about… You know, this whole tradition about signing Herz Der Sonne's diary to celebrate your love?"

Note: not my fav fic for this week, but I hope you’ll like it!!

Read on ao3

@gleamful-lanterns @autumn-ravenclaw

-1-

Sat cross-legged on Eugene's bed, Rapunzel was scribbling intensely on the list of activities she was making to convince Cass that a double date with her and Eugene was the best thing ever, adding little doodles everywhere to support her arguments. Eugene, for his part, was lying down lengthwise on his bed next to her, head and shoulders sticking out. He was tracing mindless patterns on the floorboards under him, looking thoroughly bored.

"Hey Eugene?" she asked suddenly, pencil in her mouth.

"Yes?"

"An activity of swimming together under the stars, yay or nay?"

"Nay," he grunted.

"Really? Why?"

"The water's cold, and Cassandra in it would make it freezing," he grumbled, looking up to see her frown. "Hey, the water really is cold. Plus, this Andrew guy and Cass only just met in person, maybe it's a little too soon to put on swimsuits in front of each other for them."

Rapunzel pondered on that for a second, before nodding. Swimming would have to wait for another double date. She hoped the fifty-six other activities she had planned would be enough to compensate. This was so exciting, she thought with a grin, already fantasising about how great it would be to do all of these things with Eugene, while Cassandra could do them with Andrew.

"Hey Blondie," Eugene said quietly. She looked down at him as he turned around a little to face her more comfortably. "What do you think about… You know, this whole tradition about signing Herz Der Sonne's diary to celebrate your love?"

She beamed at him, forgetting her list for a second as she thought back on the story Big Nose told them not so long ago. "It's so romantic! I love the idea that, for generations, couples signed this book, and that their love will forever live through it!"

"I do too," Eugene answered with a soft smile. He opened his mouth, about to say something, but she didn't notice because right at this instant, an idea struck her.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, lightening up visibly.

"Oh?" he parroted.

"Do you think Cass and Andrew are gonna sign the diary together? That would be adorable!" she squeaked, bending down to add book signing on the list. Oh, she was so impatient for this date - she just needed to get Cassandra's permission, but with so many fun things to do together, how could she say no?

When she looked back towards Eugene, he seemed to have deflated, and was looking at the ground again.

"Are you okay?"

He hummed, before grumbling: "You know, the Herz Der Sonne's diary is for really serious couples. Like, those that think that they're gonna spend their lives together, that kind of deal."

"Ah… And you think Cass isn't ready for that?"

"I- urgh," he groaned, "forget it."

She hesitated, sensing there was something more here, something she wasn't understanding. Gently, she put her hand in Eugene's hair and brushed it away, and he raised his head again to give her an honest and loving smile. She smiled back hesitantly, but he didn't add anything. After a few seconds, she decided to keep making her list of activities.

Just for Eugene, she added a couple manucure, knowing how much he loved these things.

-2-

There were a lot of cool things to do on the road - and a lot of less cool things too, like being in charge of the laundry day. Rapunzel had to admit, though there were plenty of tasks she actually enjoyed doing, laundry was… not one of them. It got her hair wet, and it took a long time to dry, and when she arrived in the castle, she had absolutely no trouble giving up on that.

On the road, though, there weren't many options. Thankfully, Eugene offered his help, so now they were both sitting near the river early in the morning, scrubbing clothes together in peaceful silence.

"Sunshine?"

"Mmh?"

"Do you know what today is?" he asked, meeting her eyes quickly before focusing back on the pants in his hands.

"Monday?"

"No I mean- the day today is, it's special."

Rapunzel frowned, trying to remember what Eugene was talking about. She knew it wasn't anyone's birthday, because if there was one thing she learned religiously, it was birthdays. It wasn't any day significant for their relationship either, she knew those by heart too. If Eugene thought she knew it, it had to be from Corona, so…

"Oh! You're right, it's Corona's annual pie eating contest!"

"Ah… no I think that's next week actually."

"Hmm." She put her hand on her chin, trying to think. "Is it 'share with your neighbour' day?"

"Uh… I think that was last week?" he answered hesitantly.

"... are you talking about the day of the snakes? Pascal's really not a fan of this one."

"We have a-- Corona really does have too many celebrations, doesn't it?" he groaned, but he seemed amused anyway, so she laughed.

They did have a day for everything, it felt. She didn't take part in all of them, but she loved learning about these traditions, and she loved even more seeing people enjoy themselves and having fun. Her favourite celebrations were the ones that were beloved by all of Corona, like the Gopher Grab, or-

"The Day of Hearts!" she exclaimed triumphantly, beaming when Eugene nodded. "Today is the Day of Hearts! Aww, I can't believe we're missing it, I'm sure people are having so much fun today!"

"I'm sure they are," Eugene agreed easily, looking back down at the clothing he was still washing. "And, uh, I-"

"I hope my parents are having a good day," Rapunzel said, a little quieter. She knew how much they loved that day, and thinking about it made her miss them more than usual.

Eugene cleared his voice, bringing back her attention to him. "Blondie, I was thinking… Maybe we could organise our own Day of Hearts? Here? Of course it won't be the same but-"

"Eugene, you are a GENIUS!" she jumped to her feet, too full of excitement all of the sudden. "This is the best idea ever, this is gonna be so fun!"

"I have my moments," he grinned, looking proud of himself. "So, what do you wanna do for our Day of Hearts?"

"Apple bobbing," Rapunzel announced without an ounce of hesitation.

"Of c- wait, what? Apple bobbing?"

She nodded eagerly. "I didn’t get to do it last year, what with Andrew turning out to be… Well, you know. I really wanted to, though, and I swore to myself that I would do it next year, which is today!"

"But you played that game in Corona already."

"Not on the Day of Hearts! It wasn't the full experience. Ah, and I'm sure Lance and Hookfoot will find it fun too, plus you know how Max is with apples," she said with amusement.

"Ah." Eugene seemed a lot quieter. "You want everyone to participate."

"Of course!" she sat down again to finish the laundry, a new energy in her actions. The quicker they did that, the quicker they could start. "That's really an amazing idea Eugene, I can't wait!"

He smiled, but it looked a little weird to her. It wasn't the proud and happy smile he had only minutes earlier. "I'm glad you like it, Sunshine."

"I love it, really," she insisted.

Eugene's smile seemed a little more genuine after that. And he actually had fun too during the apple bobbing - Rapunzel wasn't sure what he had been disappointed about at first, but she hoped it was resolved.

-3-

Oh, Rapunzel thought one year later, I am an idiot.

She… She had never really considered the idea that Eugene might want to spend the Day of Hearts with her only. She knew it was a day for romance, and couples, but- but she had always seen it as a day for other couples, for some reason.

Even these last days, when Eugene had asked again and again about signing Herz Der Sonne's diary together, she had been more focused on her parents' relationship than anything else. She didn't mind the idea at all, she even wanted to do it, but she didn't feel like it was that important in the grand scheme of things.

Then, King Trevor destroyed the diary. And she had decided to make a new book, thinking that it would be enough, but even now as she was painting the cover, she understood it would never be the same. All these names, these signatures written by people who wanted their love committed to memory, sometimes hundreds of years before today… All of that was gone. And though she liked to think that their love was eternal, and wouldn't be affected by it, she couldn’t help but mourn these lost memories. Corona was what it was now because of these people, and the love they had shared. They didn't deserve to be forgotten.

That line of thought led her to Eugene's insistence that they sign the diary, and suddenly she understood it more - understood the desire for their love to be part of a shared history, a shared tradition. They didn’t need it, but the gesture held a certain significance she hadn’t realised before. With this fact in mind, his behaviour from the previous years made much more sense all of the sudden. The propositions he hadn’t been able to voice, his frustration that he was quick to hide when she mentioned spending the day with other people… Eugene obviously cared about this celebration, and about the meaning it held for their love, and he had wanted… He had wanted to spend time with her, and she hadn’t even noticed. Surveilling her work on the new Book of Hearts, Rapunzel felt a pinch of guilt, but squashed it quickly. She knew Eugene would not blame her for not reading his mind, and instead of wallowing, she could make sure that this time, their love would be her entire focus for the remaining time.

Starting with the Book.

Smiling, she turned the still blank pages, imagining all the new names that would soon fill it. As much as she wished the ancient diary hadn’t been destroyed, she knew that love in Corona still had a bright future, and that these pages would soon be entirely covered by the signatures of couples old and young.

But there was one page she wanted to keep. One page that was for Eugene and her only. There was no hesitation in her mind when she chose the page in the exact middle of the book, because their love was the center of her own universe. Eugene was neither her beginning or her end; he was her entire life, the one holding her pages together. She hoped it was how he saw her too.

Going by the beaming smile he gave her when she gave him a quill, and made them sign the new Book of Hearts together, she’d say she got it right. He held her tightly against himself when they embraced, glowing with a joy she wished she had given him earlier.

She got distracted, after that, by her parents starting to recover their memories. They stayed together all evening, all four of them, just chatting together like they used to do when she first came to the castle - Rapunzel loved it.

When night fell, and her parents retired for the evening, Rapunzel and Eugene went to hang out in her bedroom. His bedroom was full of eggs anyway and, she reasoned, and it was easier for him to sleep in her room than to find an empty one.

This was a logical decision, see, not simply her wanting to cuddle with him all night.

"Hey Eugene? Can I tell you something?" she asked, once she had gotten in her more comfortable nightgown, and he had foregone his jacket and his boots.

"Of course," he smiled, shifting so she could sit next to him. "What's up Blondie?"

"I… I wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't understand how much the Day of Hearts meant to you before, and I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't tell me."

"What? Hey, there's absolutely nothing to be sorry about," he immediately answered, hand going to her cheek.

"Let me explain?" she asked gently, and after a short hesitation, he nodded. "I don't think I did something awful, but I think I didn't pay attention to your feelings on this subject, and I'm sorry for that. The Day of Hearts is…" she paused, trying to find her words. "I think it's an adorable celebration, and I love how much people love it, you know? But I never really- I never related it to our relationship. I care so much more about… the day we met! Or our birthdays, or the day you first gave me flowers, or the day you let me paint on you, or- i think you get it," she chuckled, grabbing a strand of her hair to play with. "I didn’t think you wanted to celebrate the Day of Hearts with me, and only me, and I should have… asked you, instead of assuming."

She grew silent, and Eugene took it at his cue to resume stroking her cheek, eyes soft and somewhat amused.

"Again, I don't feel like you have to say sorry. I never asked you either, and you can't read minds, even mine. I… To be honest, I felt a little bad for caring so much about a day like this one," he chuckled, looking embarrassed. "I didn’t want to admit I'm a sap, I guess."

"That's part of why I love you," Rapunzel grinned. Eugene looked cute when he blushed.

"But also, you're right," Eugene added, an intense honesty to his words. "These moments we shared, they're all so much more important to me than this day will ever be. It's okay, if you prefer to spend the day uh… apple bobbing."

Rapunzel snorted at that, surprised. It wasn't long before they were both laughing, remembering the mess that their "homemade" Day of Hearts had been. Hey, at least it had been a fun day. Maximus had fallen into the river because he had been so excited to grab an apple.

"You know what?" she exclaimed. "Last time, I was the one to choose the activity, so now it's your turn! What do you want to do Eugene?"

"It's nearly midnight," he laughed.

"And? There's still a lot of things we can do at midnight! Oh, we could finally go swimming under the stars-"

"The water will be freezing!"

"You have a point." She put her hands on his knees, bringing her face close to his. "Come on Eugene, there has to be something you want to do!"

"I…" He took a second to think, seriously think, before he said hesitantly: "I wanna dance with you?"

"Oh!" Warmth spread in her chest, and she couldn't contain her excitement at this. "Eugene, I'd love to dance with you!"

She grabbed his hands and made them both stand up next to the bed quickly, linking her fingers with his as they stood close enough for her to hear his soft breathing.

"There's no music, though," he whispered.

As if summoned, Pascal popped his head out of his bed, and played with the little guitar he had on him all day. Just like that, they were laughing, and taking stumbling steps together as they swirled around the room. They were both barefoot, only illuminated by some candles and the moonlight, but they didn't need anything else.

Rapunzel went on her tiptoes to kiss Eugene, and he eagerly returned it, holding onto her waist as they slowly swayed together.

[dessarious]

Misconceptions, Miscommunication, and Misinformation Pt72

Inspired by @ozmav Maribat AU

AO3   Beginning   Previous   Next

Bruce waited impatiently in the living room surrounded by his family and Diana Prince. He’d been surprised to see her in her civilian form but once she got over the initial shock of the Miraculous users being teenagers she’d been staunchly on their side. He still had no idea if the Ladybug and her team were showing up transformed or not. He had no idea how many were even coming.

Barbara seemed more tense than the rest though he wasn’t sure why. He knew she’d spent a lot of time talking to Tim the last couple days though he had no idea what about. Dick and Steph were both about to vibrate off the couch in their excitement. He wasn’t entirely sure why but he’d heard them mention something about Ladybug hopefully having black hair and blue eyes in her civilian form so they could get a new sister. It was nonsense that he could only roll his eyes at. Jason was calm and that honestly worried him. Cass was… well Cass. She wasn’t very emotive on her best days and right now was no exception. She never participated when they discussed Paris’ Heroes so he wasn’t certain what she thought of this whole thing other than she’d agreed to be here not suited up.

When the portal finally opened he almost let out a sigh of relief. The first through were Tim and a horse themed holder who were arguing about various things from the sound of it. Next came a boy with teal hair and a blonde girl, both of which just seemed done with the other two. When the portal closed behind them he was a bit surprised, slightly less so when the horse themed hero turned into Damian. Neither one of the other two looked like Ladybug, both were too tall for starters, but perhaps the transformations could change them more drastically than they’d thought.

“Father I’d like to introduce Luka Couffaine, who holds the Snake Miraculous as Viperion.” The boy with the teal hair smiled calmly and nodded to them all. “Chloe Bourgeois, who holds the Black Cat Miraculous as Discorde.” The blonde girl had been sizing them up the entire time and was still just looking at them with an air of calm disdain. “And…” Damian let out a string of curses. “Is she seriously asleep?” Luka looked amused but Chloe just turned her annoyed glare on his son.

“She has been ever since you two refused to stop arguing about things that had already been decided. She’s had an extremely taxing week and none of this is helping.” She was speaking through gritted teeth, as though trying not to yell, and Bruce finally noticed that she was carrying someone on her back. Damian just glared back at the girl but Tim immediately looked guilty. While Chloe and Damian continued to try and stared the other into submission Luka reached behind Chloe to the person she was carrying.

“Come on Maribug, time to wake up.” They all heard a groan and saw matching fond smiles on Chloe and Luka’s faces. There was a hint of movement before a face appeared over Chloe’s shoulder, one hand rubbing sleep from her eyes. Bruce couldn’t help but notice how worn down the girl looked. It wasn’t having just woken up either. Her face was pale and she had dark circles under her eyes. Her eyes were another story entirely, and that made him pause. That haunted look of having seen too much that was normally reserved for soldiers coming back from war had no business being prominent in one so young. He had hoped that the Miraculous magic made them appear younger than they were but it was painfully obvious the two girls were the same age as Damian, and the boy not much older. He looked over at Diana and she was staring at them with horror and pity. Damian cleared his throat.

“And this is Marinette Dupain-Cheng who holds the Ladybug Miraculous.” The girl offered a shy smile and wave before dropping her chin to Chloe’s shoulder. Damian went through and introduced all of them as well, noting the looks of interest when he got to Babs but no one said anything. Once he was finished Marinette offered them all a bright smile.

“It’s very nice meeting you all officially, and I would like to apologize for our last interaction. I was very pressed on time and I couldn’t afford to have any unknowns making an even bigger mess of things. It was necessary but I still feel bad about how short I was with all of you.” Trying to reconcile this exhausted ray of sunshine with the hero who had appeared in the Batcave was simply not working. Chloe being Discorde made sense. She was still staring at them all, daring them to screw something up so she could lash out at them, though he had no idea why.

“You can put her down you know. No one here is going to attack you.” Luka winced as Chloe actually growled at Diana’s words. Bruce was just thankful it hadn’t been one of his family to cause that reaction and he watched Marinette whisper in Chloe’s ear, obviously trying to calm the girl down. When she finally turned to Diana she just looked resigned.

“She can’t put me down actually. I was paralyzed in the last confrontation with Hawkmoth in a way that Tikki couldn’t heal.” Diana’s astonishment was written all over her face and she didn’t seem to be able to respond. Suddenly their interest in Babs made a lot more sense.

“That’s why you’ve been hounding me about wheelchairs and everything else related to my condition.” Tim just nodded and Barbara turned a sympathetic gaze to Marinette. “You need anything you call me. It’s rough, especially at the beginning, but it helps to have a good support system.”

“I definitely have that.” He noted the way her arms tightened on her partner. “And once my parents stop freaking out about everything I’m sure it’ll get even better.” Chloe let out an amused snort but Luka looked concerned.

“You never did say how telling your parents about all this went.” Marinette let out a sigh.

“Well their immediate reaction was to ground me. I told them I’d appreciate the break as soon as the meeting with the Justice League is over. They didn’t really seem to know what to do with that information. It’s a lot to take in and honestly I would have rather eased them into it, but with the way things happened…” Her guilt as plain but it took a minute for Bruce to really catch on to the meaning.

“Wait, are you telling me that you’ve been Ladybug for over two years and your parents didn’t know?” She just nodded but Chloe started glaring at Damian again.

“No one knew until your son decided that his temper tantrum was more important than Mari’s privacy.” All eyes turned to Damian and he just scowled at them all.

“What?”

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[lovenotesandneonstars]

And That’s Enough.

Wanna hear a secret?

Every writer I've ever known has, at some point, faced a soul-crushing anxiety over whether or not they're really a writer.

"But Topher," you might say, "That's not a secret!"

If I were being clever, I might give you a wink and the slight twitch of my nose that all the wise old men do. But I'm not very clever, I'm not necessarily wise, and I'm not old. So instead, I figured I might tell you about how I learned to solve that crisis for myself. But in order to get there, we have to start at the beginning.

I was a fairly lonely kid, never really had a steady friends' group, and when I was in second grade I started deliberately getting lunch detention so that I could spend my lunch period reading without being harassed by my classmates. I thought it was a genius plan. Well, that, and my second grade teacher (who was also my third grade teacher, yay for small towns!) and I had a personality clash. I would finish my work too fast and start reading from my pocket dictionary (yeah, I was THAT nerd), and would correct him in class. He, in return, would try to find any way possible to punish or humiliate me. It was fun! I loved reading no matter what trouble it got me in, and getting in trouble just gave me more time to read.

Ask any writer you know and they'll tell you that in order to write, you have to enjoy reading. And I was always excited to read (which hasn't changed much as I've grown, I just find less time to be able to read these days. #Adulting, right?) at any chance I got. When I was in 5th grade, I stayed in the truck with no AC and just the window rolled down for 3 hours while my mom went grocery shopping to read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (which took me a whopping 5 hours to finish!). When sixth grade rolled around, I started wanting to try my hand at creating something instead of just consuming it. For a lonely, depressed kid, the world of fiction was the best friend I had.

The first thing I remember writing was House MD fanfiction. It was my favorite show and I started out as any respectable fanfiction writer does: with a Mary Sue self-insert! Eventually, I had a small cult following on the school bus, and found my way to the big leagues of fanfiction.net about a year later. I moved onto another overdone trope: songfics. From there, I kept writing fanfic, even after my mom found it and banned me from it. I just enjoyed writing so much. House MD turned into Harry Potter which turned into Glee. I should also mention the other kind of writing I found as an eleven year old, right after I started writing fanfic: role playing. I stumbled upon a Harry Potter RP one day while trying to find video games for my favorite franchise and, with the help of a kindly more experienced role player, was taught how to RP. I was hooked. Soon, all my free time turned to writing. I was neglecting my video games in favor of blasting my favorite album at any point and writing more and more. And when I wasn't writing, I was reading. Harry Potter, The Princess Diaries, Percy Jackson, whatever I could get my hands on. Middle school was consumed by writing and reading, whether it was the actual series I was into or fanfiction for it.

Then came high school, and my RP site shut down, and my book pile ran out, and I fell into a deeper depression than I had before. I had always loved music, but I got more into it as I couldn't find much to read that I was interested in. But on the bright side, I was making real friends! I wasn't spending my lunch times alone anymore, and I had people to talk to about the fandoms I loved. Writing and reading fell to the wayside as I explored more music and l got back into video games. I was also a theatre kid, and was getting ready to audition for my first high school play. 

Everything changed when my mom passed away on December 5th, 2011, 4 days after her 52nd birthday. My dad made me stay home for a week, and when I came back, all my "friends" refused to talk to me or spend time with me. My depression hit heavier than ever, and I was even lonelier after having had a taste of regular friendship. I spent all my time playing video games and listening to dark, angry music, until June 2012, when I watched a movie called It's Kind of a Funny Story, based on the book by Ned Vizzini while I was sick. It instantly felt like I needed the book in my life, and my dad, thrilled to see me wanting to read again, let me order the book. I fell in love, and to this day, over 8 years later, it's still my favorite book. Soon after, my love of writing came back and hit me and I got back into role playing. I had a role model to look up to who wrote something so relatable to me that it hurt so good, and the video games took a back burner. I was inventing people left and right to see what kind of trouble I could get them into.

My world came screeching to another halt when my newfound role model took his own life on December 19th, 2013. This time, though, instead of backing off from the role playing, I dove deeper into it. I found new friends on the internet and kept making new people. Not long after that, I came out as transgender, and used writing to cope with my dysphoria and strained relationship with my family. Every waking minute I was either role playing or thinking about role playing. I snuck on my phone in class to write replies when the teacher wasn't looking. I wrote replies in my notebook to type up when I got home. I went from short, 3-sentence replies to hundreds of words at a time.

Then, in May 2015, I graduated high school, and I was off to college as a psych major! In the time between, I had graduated to running RP sites as well, and I was constantly writing. My summer was filled with writing, and once I made it to college, I got back into fanfiction, this time on Archive of Our Own. AO3 seemed far more professionally laid out, and it had more freedom of what could be posted. I started writing band fanfiction. I made friends through my fanfiction, now, in addition to RP. It was where I would retreat when homework was too boring or my classes were too much. In November 2015, I participated in my first National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I instantly found the community I was meant to be in and made many friends that I would come to consider family. Ny first NaNo I came in just shy of 13,000 words on a band fic. I couldn't believe I had managed all that in one month with being a college freshman, starting a new job, and continuing to work on my role playing! Things were great! For the next year, my life was nothing short of amazing. I got a summer job on campus, went to my first Pride, and made more friends. 

Once again, my life came to a screeching halt on November 2, 2016. Remember how I mentioned I'd always struggled with mental health issues? Well, I ended up in the hospital for just over 21 hours for suicidal intent. This was pretty much the darkest moment and a turning point in my life. It was also kind of ironic, because my favorite book had to do with much the same thing. After getting out, I dove back into NaNoWriMo for the second time, still working on band fic, and this time, ended up just short of 20,000 words. I was doing more, and using it to take away the anxiety I was feeling in my classes. I was hating my major, and the RPs I was in were falling through, but I had a project to work on. For the first time, I kept working on the project after NaNo was over. Things were good again, and over the summer, I made the decision to change my major from Psychology to Creative Writing, but ultimately had to wait one more term because I was already signed up for classes.

I completed my third NaNoWriMo in 2017 with fewer words than the previous year. But I was committed. I had helped start a Discord for my home region for NaNo and was now spending almost full-time hours volunteering for my region. I finished my last semester as a Psych major and then I made my way home for the holidays, where I continued to write, diving back into fanfic for TV shows and now adding Youtubers to the mix. When I returned to school at the beginning of 2018, I started my new life in all my English classes, including my first writers' workshop, and I fell in love. I was still writing fanfiction, though, while others were writing original fiction, and all that I could think was that I HAD to be a fraud. How could I be a real writer if I was just writing fanfiction for my classes? It was frustrating to think that I was stuck writing something that most people saw as mindless drivel, or even ripoffs of the works and lives of others. After my first term of creative writing, I took some time off from my fiction class, and used that to take a break from anything that wasn't RP.

Fall 2018 brought with it many challenges. For one, my college converted to the semester system, and having to confront a new length of term was difficult. It also brought around an intermediate fiction course for me, as well as a creative nonfiction course. Here, I found something I enjoyed: I was able to write about my own life, instead of the lives of band members. After a while, I got to know the band members, which completely killed my desire to write band fic. Life seemed a lot easier without that urge, and I started writing original fiction. In November 2018, for the first time, I wrote original fiction for my 4th NaNoWriMo, and my word count grew, once more, to just under 22,500 words. It was progress, and I felt great. I finally knew how to work on something original on my own.

Spring 2019 was even harder than I had faced before: I had received the news that I was not getting financial aid, and would not be able to return to school the next year. I was devastated, and determined not to have to return to my dad's house for the following year, back to the small town where I had no prospects. I scrambled to find a job, but nothing worked out, and for the next seven months, I jumped from living situation to living situation, relying on my friends to keep me alive and ending up in a tightly packed studio apartment with 2 friends and their 3 cats.

One of these 7 months was my 5th NaNoWriMo and my second attempt at original fiction, this time trying to use a character I had been RPing with for some 6 years at the time. I started using new writing tools, like 4TheWords, and threw myself into NaNo, using it to deal with the frustrations of everyday life. This was the first time I came so far: 28,611 words! And still... My project stalled out. As a major pantser, I had gone into the project with one developed character, one who only had a name and profession, and the plotline "They fall in love". It was freeing, to have something new to work on that I had no idea where I was headed and that I had someone brand new to create. All this was helping me adjust to the new job I found in September, a job I found myself absolutely loving. It was the best time in the world, all I could ask for. I found a new RP site and made more friends. Come December 31st, I found a new place to live, and was finally living on my own.

Then, my writing on that novel stalled out. I couldn't figure out where to go, or what to do with my characters, and so I dove back into role playing. It was all I could do, really, to keep myself occupied when I wasn't working. Things were looking up: I found out I was returning to school in fall; I loved my job; my roommate and I got along well. And then, things fell apart again, to the point where I had to stay somewhere else for over a month while there were construction issues on my apartment. I was depressed, but RP and writing kept me going. Finally, things settled down, and life seemed well again.

That is, until halfway through March, when COVID-19 ended up basically destroying the world I lived in. I lost my job (live performances during a pandemic are a no-no) and had to move back in with my dad, and, well, here we are. 4 months post job loss, I'm trying to get ready for all online classes, and trying to cope with moving back to the town that I couch surfed to avoid. It's been hard, and writing hasn't come easily. I haven't been able to really focus on anything other than role playing until now, and I still find myself questioning whether I'm REALLY a writer every time I realize that this essay or my RP is the only writing I've done in months. After all, how can I claim to be really dedicated to NaNoWriMo or even my writing in general if I can never finish a project? It's been almost impossible for me to do so in the past. All I've been able to do is come up with yet another idea that I've yet to attempt to actually write, and that has no real plot, and that I'll (probably) never finish, either?

Then I think of why I started to write this. I needed to have some writing to show some people I want to impress, and I started angsting over whether or not I'm actually a writer, and if I'm really cut out for this. And the fact that there are over 2500 words more on the page than there were when I started means that, in spite of all my anxieties, I am a writer. All these words I've put out into the world the last several years would never have come into the world the way I've decided to use them if I wasn't a writer. Even now, as I sit here writing this post, for something that I truly love, I'm reminded that I'm not a writer because I follow XYZ formula, or because I plan things meticulously, or because I have some famous novel out there. I'm a writer because I write. And that's enough.

[forestwater87]

201X in Review: A journey of cringe and regrets

Realizing 2020 is really close and wanted to look back at the second (full) decade I’ve actually been alive for. I feel like either a huge amount of stuff has happened, or basically nothing’s happened, but there’s no middle ground.

2010: 

Cringy 2010 photo: High school prom (in middle, dark green dress and...a face)

Junior in high school. 

Had my first-ever Real Boyfriend(TM). (Pictured in above cringy photo.)

Had just ended an extremely toxic 12-year relationship and was still figuring out how to have friends. 

Chemistry fucking SUUUUUCKED and I don’t miss it.

Had a super intense love for Megamind. I saw it minimum of 4 times in theaters and had a major crush on that blue lil nerd. (Began a personal grudge against both Tangled and Despicable Me for taking away its deserved spotlight, a resentment I have not yet gotten past 10 years later.)

Most regrettable 2010 memory: Getting way too intense about a new boyfriend and lowkey abandoning my friends. Not cool.

Most awesome 2010 memory: I have friends from back then I still love and keep in touch with (despite my abandoning them for a bit there). That’s pretty dang awesome.

2011: 

Cringy 2011 photo: High school graduation with one of the most beautiful women in existence. (We’re still friends, and she’s still gorgeous.)

Graduated high school! (Gym fucking SUUUUUCKED and I don’t miss it.) 

Fell in love with the college that was supposed to be a “safety school” and didn’t apply anywhere else, which means I can brag about having been accepted into 100% of the colleges I applied to. 

Started at Ithaca College -- don’t say “it’s gorges,” it gets so old so fast -- and had a miserable first semester and an incredible second. 

Started getting . . . uncomfortably involved in religious groups. (I mean, I’d been doing that since I was a kid, but it got kicked up to 11 in college.)

Most regrettable 2011 memory: Dressed as a “g***y” for Halloween. Fucking yikes.

Most awesome 2011 memory: Figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.

2012: 

Cringy 2012 photo: Modeling first successfully completed knitting project. With bamboo needles because Ithaca is a hippie paradise.

Learned how to knit, entirely out of boredom in long lectures.

Technically started my tumblr experience, though it was only for a few months while I worked through some Shit by being in love with Loki from the Avengers (and THiddleston in general). Stayed on here just long enough to discover Achievement Hunter and Rooster Teeth, and never went back.

Broke up with first-ever Real Boyfriend(TM) and handled it so well I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder.

Got very deep in a religious group at IC, which was . . . not very healthy and could perhaps not inaccurately be described as “cultlike.” (I owe a major apology to everyone who knew me back then; I was very much a major bitch.)

Despite the previous two bullet points, this was the best year of my life up until that point. I lived next door to my two best friends in college, loved my major, and pretty much was confident that I had everything figured out.

Most regrettable 2012 memory: Writing a fan letter to Tom Hiddleston, which included a photo of me and my phone number. I was convinced my charm and wit would totally make him fall in love with me.

Most awesome 2012 memory: Pretty sure this is the year my love affair with RiffTrax began, too. I had a posse and we’d go see live shows together.

2013-2014:

Cringy 2013 photo: A blanket that I made and sent to Jennamarlbes for her dogs, because it was too small for people. Pretty sure it showed up in a video at one point.

Cringy 2014 photo: My awesome college roommates and I dressed up to give out candy to people’s dorms on Halloween. Reverse trick-or-treating: very fun, always recommended.

HA. So much for having anything figured out.

I don’t actually remember much of this period in my life, because I was navel-deep in a major religious crisis that would continue until . . . a couple months ago, basically? There was a lot of freaking out and trying to reconcile culty fundamentalism with the freewheeling pinko that lived deep inside and was trying to break free.

Lots of therapy, though. And med adjustments. Eventually figured out something that worked. Free campus counseling was the bomb though.

I do remember living in an apartment and cooking for myself for the first time, and also playing a lot of tabletop games with my roommates. (Also drinking. Lots of drinking.)

Oh shit, was this when I started that Drunk Librarian blog? I was trying really hard to be The Nostalgia Critic for books (ew), but I remember having a lot of fun with that. That was when my lifelong vendetta against John Green began.

Most regrettable 2013-2014 memory: Did I mention that the blanket I sent to Jenna included a letter? Did I mention that letter included some bible verses I thought she would appreciate????

Most awesome 2013-14 memory: Started a knitting club. It was just like 4 people hanging out and not knitting.

2015:

Cringy 2015 photo: Me being emaciated, makeup-smeared, and proudly showing off a collarbone piercing. That piercing has since rejected, but was in fact cute af.

Graduated college! Summa cum laude, bitches. (And an unfinished minor because I didn’t feel like taking the one (1) class I needed to graduate.)

Started library school and moved back home with parents. That was . . . an adjustment.

Changed library school “majors” halfway through my first year, after a lot of soul searching and panic attacks.

Had a short but catastrophic relationship with a man 9 years older than me (who was my pastor. Awkward). Religious crisis continued.

Got really skinny and hot because I was too miserable to eat. Dyed my hair red for the first time and looked basically like Ariel.

Discovered Party Hard and got really good at killing people.

Remembered how much I fucking love my parents’ dog:

Most regrettable 2015 memory: Being that person who “thought I could change him.”

Most awesome 2015 memory: Did you see how cute that dog is? His name is Oscar, after Oscar the Grouch.

2016:

Cringy 2016 photo: I had this huge thing for 1950s dresses for a while, complete with petticoats.

Grad school continued.

Religious crisis continued.

Therapy happens to deal with Things, is quickly dropped due to money and lack of shrink-chemistry.

Discovered a dumb little web cartoon with a teensy fanbase and no love for my favorite ship. Began work on a fanfic to correct this.

Finished a long-form fanfic for the first time in my entire life.

Virtually abandoned every other fandom to hyperfixate on this for the rest of my life.

Got super political, then super depressed. Quit Facebook because I realized I hate everyone I’m FB friends with.

Discovered Stardew Valley and never got anything done ever again.

Found Tumblr again (needed it to keep in touch with my first-ever beta reader, @raenbowsofficial) and turned into fandom and politics trash.

Most regrettable 2016 memory: Man, was I cocky about that Hillary Clinton winning the election. Oops.

Most awesome 2016 memory: I mean, CAMP CAMP. Obviously.

2017: 

Cringy 2017 photo: My first day of work as a very bisexual-in-denial librarian.

Finished grad school and became a certified librarian (in NYS anyway)!

Got a job at a local college, including my own office!

Shaved half my head!

Moved into my own apartment and adopted a cat, fulfilling a goal over 7 years in the making!

Became friends with two of the most important people I’ve ever met. Visited one of them on a semi-impromptu 9-hour drive to Virginia and met IRL for the first time. First ever all-night solo trip, one of the best days of my life.

This might’ve been the year I got the VFD eye tattooed on my ankle, though I can’t swear to that.

Was part of my first long-form tabletop RPG with friends from college (and friends-of-friends). Was very emotional and also quite gay.

Rediscovered Megamind thanks to excellent fanfiction. That shit is still great.

Currently the best year I’ve ever had. 

Most regrettable 2017 memory: I should’ve attended my graduation from library school instead of deciding it didn’t matter. It mattered a lot.

Most awesome 2017 memory: Seeing the-artist-formerly-known-as-ciphernetics in person.

2018:

Cringy 2018 photo: Um, apparently we don’t get one, because there’s an image limit to these posts. Lame.

Was laid off and took 6 months to find another full-time job. Spent most of that time depression-napping.

Said full-time job lasted 4 months before I ran like my shoes were on fire, because it was morally . . . suspicious and left me borderline suicidal.

Got very fat because I was too miserable to stop eating.

Had to cut my hair so I would look “professional.” Looked like my ex-boyfriend. My mom said I “looked like a Trump supporter.” To-date the meanest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Moved back in with my parents due to not-having-job-ness (got to bring the cat, though).

Lost parents’ health insurance and had to pay for my own. Discovered health insurance is ridiculously expensive.

Became super left-leaning thanks to the power of Tumblr and Youtube (and possibly that super expensive health insurance thing). 

Writing came to a virtual standstill, though I managed to organize and actually finish participating in all of Gwenvid Week (for the first time).

Two weeks after quitting the job from hell and three weeks after moving back in with the parents, I was offered my old position back. Accepted. Was once again a college librarian.

Most regrettable 2018 memory: Knowing I didn’t want the nightmare job and accepting it anyway. Might’ve been the only choice, but it caused a lot of unhappiness.

Most awesome 2018 memory: The day I was laid off, I hopped on a plane and went to fucking Disney World. Because why not?

2019:

Started work again. Finally (mostly) stopped having panic attacks about being fired/laid off out of the middle of nowhere around 8 months into new job.

Fewer paper cuts than expected.

Accidentally became associated with dinosaurs at work, despite not having any sort of special affinity for dinosaurs.

Did develop a deep and abiding affinity for octopus. Also elephants.

Took cat to doctor. Cat didn’t enjoy doctor. Cat is now 8 lbs. and 14 oz. She is big girl.

Rediscovered the joy of reading again. Newly discovered that mysteries actually can be pretty awesome, and read barely anything else all year. (Personal recommendations: The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton and Waisted by Randy Susan Meyers.)

So. Many. Youtube. Video. Essays.

Discovered Stardew Valley mods and eventually broke 3k hours of playtime. 

Napped frequently. Panicked less frequently. It’s a step in the right direction.

Most regrettable 2019 memory: This post sure is long and over-share-y, isn’t it? Didn’t even include a cut so you could more easily scroll past my face. Inconsiderate, is what that is.

Most awesome 2019 memory: This one is pretty good. Right now.

2020: 

??? 

Profit.

[some-cookie-crumbz]

Photo Finish

Photo Finish - Kidge Week Day 3 Prompt Fill Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender Pairing: Kidge Summary: It was a typical night for Keith Kogane on his shift as a night guard at the local art museum. At least until he received a visit from an infamous cat burglar come to pilfer a few priceless paintings. Standard Disclaimer: If you read and enjoy this, please give it a like/ reblog so I know if I should write more. 

From what Kolivan had told him, it would be a relatively easy job with a ridiculously high payback potential. They art museum had opted to go with their usual amount of night guards despite the incoming delivery of an incredibly valuable painting. It was a long lost painting by the infamous Italian painter Telma Dalterio, thought to have been destroyed in a house fire by the previous owner over a century ago. “Because of the significance this piece has regarding art history,” Kolivan explained as Keith shrugged into his uniform blazer, “as well as it being considered lost for so many years, we’re being given a small bonus for our work.”

“Then shouldn’t we be bumping up our numbers tonight? Just in case of an attempted break in?” He asked with a bit of disbelief, tugging his cap on.

“After discussing it with the museum curator, it was decided that offering misleading information to the public would be the best option. As far as the population at large knows, the painting has been located, but isn’t planned for delivery for another two weeks, with the grand reveal planned a few days after that. It’ll be the best way to assure we can safely have it delivered without worrying about theft, and keeping security at it’s typical level tonight will only help further this belief,” He explained further as Keith clipped his taser, baton and flashlight to his utility belt. “Tonight, Andrew and Hannah will handle the arrival in the back, since they’ll need to verify the authenticity of the piece. While they handle that, it’ll be the responsibility of yourself, Anthony and Reggie to keep an eye out for any suspicious activity. There’s been concerns regarding Crafty Pidgeon being in the area and we don’t want to fall victim to her.”

“Crafty Pidgeon?”

“A well-known thief. Surprised you haven’t even heard of her; she managed to steal a full tyrannosaurus rex fossil from the Smithsonian a few months back,” Reggie, settled at the desk and monitoring the various security camera monitors, commented as he spun his chair around, quirking an eyebrow with an amused grin.

He blinked then shook his head in disbelief. “How did she manage that?” He asked as Reggie handed over his headset, the two of them doing the brief double-check to make sure the settings were correct.

Kolivan makes some strange gesture with his hands that seems to imply he, himself, isn’t entirely sure. “Regardless, there’s been rumblings that she’s in our neck of the woods. She’s hit several museums and galleries on her way here, and the path is clear,” He explained. “We can’t risk her pulling anything over on us. Housing this painting is a huge compliment to this museum; the last thing we need is to then be hit with scandal of incompetence.”

“Understood,” He said, giving a quick nod before heading out of the security office and out to the actual floor. He and Anthony briefly touched base to agree that Keith would cover the northern and eastern sides of the museum while Anthony took the southern and western exhibits. They’d have Reggie monitoring in case there was any kind of suspicious activity, as well as the ability to coordinate through the headsets, but they liked making sure to have a general idea before they got right into things.

He perused from exhibit to exhibit, only barely aware of each item he passed by. Back when he first got hired, he’d loved getting to go from place to place, taking as much time as he wanted to study each exhibit. In his younger years, he’d never really been allowed to participate in field trips. His  disciplinary issues had always given his foster parents reason to turn him away, and after the first time he’d forged a signature to try and sneak his way in, they’d added the additional requirement of needing a phone call giving consent for him to participate as well. His inner grade schooler had been delighted by getting to see all things that he’d missed out on in his youth, but after seeing it for eight hours a day for about a year and half, the charm had faded just a bit.

He knew the ins and outs of it all by heart now. Which was how he knew something was off as he stepped into the medieval section. Something about the positioning of one of the suits of armor seemed off; a little too far to the left. “Hey, Reggie, mind doing a quick double-check of this area?” He called, turning to wave briefly at the camera.

“Which area are you in?” The other asked after a second.

“Should be Camera G,” He said before turning to look at the suit of armor again. The arm had been moved ever so slightly. He scowled and carefully moved his hand down to grab his flashlight. He could hear brief clacking on the end before muttered swears. “What’s happening, Reg?”

“I went to enlarge the screen and it cut to nothing but static! Hold on, let me see if I can fix this,” He said with a frustrated growl. “You know, I’ve been telling Kolivan that we need to improve the equipment around here. This isn’t the first time this has happened when I try to get a closer look at something. Anywhere in specific you need me to be looking when I get this thing back up and running?” He waited a bit, hands hovering just above the keyboard when he didn’t receive an immediate answer. “Uh, Keith? You there?”

But Keith’s gaze was instead fixated on the suit of armor as one it’s arms moved ever so slightly.

Without waiting for any further inquiries from Reggie, he grabbed his baton with his other hand and flicked on his flashlight. There was only a sliver of a shadow cast on the wall behind the suit of armor, meaning something - or someone - was behind it. He growled lowly. “There’s an intruder,” He barked quietly.

“What? Say that again, you were too quiet,” Reggie insisted.

“I know you’re there! Come out nice and easy!” Keith shouted out loud, taking satisfaction at the slightest of movements behind the suit. He hadn’t thought that he was wrong, but it was nice having his paranoia confirmed.

In a flash of movement, the figure tore out from behind the armor. Instead of trying to flee, though, they charged right for him. He braced himself for impact and lifted the nightstick to use, but the figure was a good amount shorter than him and he swung a little too high. With his misstep, they easily shoved into him, sending him toppling over.

Instead of going down alone, though, Keith reached out with his other arm, hooked it around the intruder’s waist and pulled them down with him. He heard them mutter some kind of curse under their face mask as they went, the voice a bit garbled and electronic-sounding.

Must have had some kind of voice changer built in to it, he figured.

He scrambled to pin them down, abandoning both of his items and using his larger size and weight to overthrow them, pinned both their hands above their head and glared down at them. The mask they wore was made of a black material, but had large goggles built in over the eyes that were glowing green. When he leaned a little closer, they seemed to be like an insect’s eyes, with smaller honeycomb-shaped portions but also bore with them small, near-invisible white letters and numbers flashing by frantically.  They must have been using the goggles to help them hack into the server.

“Get off of me!” They growled, squirming as best as they could. He growled and pushed them down more firmly, pinning their wrists with just one hand and adjusting his hips over theirs. He then shifted and used his free hand to start patting them down, trying to do a frisk to check for any weapons while being mindful of who, exactly, this probably was, given what Kolivan had said earlier. A small squeak came from them before they growled, hooking a leg around his waist and hefting, pressing their body up against his.

He tried to archn further away, knowing that letting them get too close to him physically could have terrible consequences, but in trying to put more distance, his grip on their wrists loosened a bit too much. Seeing their chance, they took it.

In a matter of seconds, Keith found himself being flipped over on to his own back, the intruder looming over him instead. They set one hand down by his head, clearly moving to try and scramble away, but he growled and reached up to grab them again. A struggled started up, the pair of them flipping back and forth on the floor of the museum and nearly knocking into the podium the suit of armor sat atop. When he reached up to take a holding of their shoulder, intending to flip them again, though, they tried to duck back and over, his hands instead catching on the bottom of their mask.

He curled and yanked, tearing the mask away to be met with alarmed amber eyes staring down at him. He sucked in a breath before leaning up slightly, cocking his head. It was hard to tell in the dimmed light of the room, but he felt like he’d seen their face before. “You… I know you,” He said in quiet disbelief.

That didn’t make sense, though! If this was that Pidgeon person Kolivan and Reggie had mentioned, then how could he know them? They’d been doing a cross-country theft tour!

“Shit,” She choked out, looking around frantically before her eyes fell to his nightstick. While he tried to recall where he knew her from, she grabbed it and clocked him right across the side of the head with it. He let out a sharp cry, the corner of his head clipping on the edge of the armor’s podium, before he went slack against the tile. She swallowed hard, her eyes shifting from him over to the weapon in her hand, then back down.

This guy was a regular at the cafe she worked at in the day time. She couldn’t let him go after seeing her face; even if he didn’t recognize her right away, surely he;d be able to place her eventually. And then everything that they’d been working towards these last two years… All their careful planning and thorough follow-up… It would have all been for nothing.

“Keith? Keith, are you there?” She heard a faint voice call softly, causing her gaze to shift over to the prone figure beneath her. She seized her mask back up, tugging it in to place, before reaching over to tug the ear piece out. She dropped it on the ground beside her and smashed it with two firm, well-placed whaps from the nightstick. She carefully tucked the nightstick back on to his utility belt before reaching up and tapping a small button on the side of her mask. After a moment, the security gates of the room closed all around her. That would keep any other potential guards from being able to reach them.

She’d already underestimated the staff’s skills once that night; no need to fail even further.

With that handled, she clicked another button slightly higher up, opening up the communication channel. “This is Pidgeon to Lark and Finch. Do you copy?”

“Lark here. What’s going on, Pidge?” Another voice chimed.

“We… Have a situation,” Pidge trailed, reaching up to gently touch the injury on the side of the guard’s face. She could feel a bump beginning to crop up, but it didn’t seem she’d drawn blood. That, she supposed, was a bit of a relief. “Got into a confrontation with a guard. Had to knock him out, but he got my mask off. He recognized my face from my civilian gig, though.”

Eagle groaned. “Are you serious?”

Finch chimed in next, her voice a bit more collected and composed. “You knocked him out, yes? This simply means we’ll need to bring him with us. Lark, go help Pidgeon bring our new guest along. I’m sure Sparrow and Quail can handle getting the painting just the two of them.”

“Understood,” lark said, though he didn’t exactly sound happy about it.

“Thank you, Finch,” Pidge said quietly, not bothering to hide the relief in her tone.

“We’ll see you two soon, then,” Finch hummed before she turned off her line.

Pidge did the same and carefully pushed herself off the unconscious guard. She sighed and looked at him, frowning a bit to herself. “Of all the security guards to get into it with, why did it have to be you?” She lamented.

[travllingbunny]

The 100 rewatch: 1x07 Contents Under Pressure

I’m a new fan of The 100, who first binged it last year, August to November. This is my first full rewatch of the show. I was planning to start it anyway and finish it before the season 6 premiere on April 30, and when I saw that Fox Serbia was airing a rerun (Monday to Friday, 40 min. after midnight, with repeats the next day), starting on 1st February, it was a great opportunity to start my rewatch in HDTV on my beautiful new TV. I decided to do write-ups and tag other fans on SpoilerTV website, as I did when I was first watching the show. But my posts turned into full blown essays. So, finally, after over a week, I’ve realized: Why don’t I post them on my Tumblr blog, too? 

I’ll copy my write-ups of the first 7 episodes, and then I’ll post my rewatch posts after I watch each episode. (The next one, 1x08, is on Monday’Tuesday.)  I’m looking forward to 1x08 on Monday, one of my favorite S1 episodes. IIRC, the next 3 episodes are all awesome.

Spoilers below for all 5 seasons of the show. I go of on a tangents and make a lot of references to future events.

Rating: 6.5/10

I liked this one much less than the previous few episodes, mostly because a huge chunk of it was about the politics on the Ark with Jaha and Diana (who first gets introduced here) - which I never cared about, not the first time and not now. They're both assholes and pretty much the same.

The only part of the Ark storyline that's interesting is that it's the turning point for Kane. When Raven and Clarke make contact with the Ark, you can see everyone else thinking: "The Earth is survivable!" or "Our kids are still alive!" (or, in Jaha's case, that his son is dead), but Kane is clearly thinking something very difrerent: for him, it's "I was wrong and I caused the deaths of 320 people for no reason". This is the beginning of his character development, and also the point where I stopped hating him, because he showed genuine guilt, didn't even attempt to defend himself when the angry people confronted him about the culling and keeping secrets about the 100 from them, and will genuinely change after this. But Jaha and the rest of the Council? They're unbelievable. They threw Abby out from the Council before, for trying to contact the kids and opposing the culling, but now they learn she was right and they have her to thank for the fact they got in contact with the 100 - and they still don't take her back to the Council?? Instead, Jaha gives her seat to Diana for helping him bu.ll#sit the crowd and appease them? God, they're both so full of crap. The best part is when Jaha promises to the crowd that they'll stop lying to them and reveal all the secrets... and then, later, at the Council meeting, we find out he's still lying to people and keeping a huge secret - that they don't have enough ships to get everyone on the ground, just 700 out of 2237 people on the Ark. The storyline on Earth was better, but this time I found it a bit tedious, since most of it consisted of our protagonists torturing Lincoln to get info, which is not that interesting now that I know the outcome. Meanwhile Clarke and Raven were worrying about Finn, who had been wounded by Lincoln in the previous episode, and Clarke was trying to save him with her mother's help. Which is their motivation to get involved in Lincoln's torture and try to get info once Clarke realizes that the weapon was poisoned and that Lincoln has an antidote. And it also was the opportunity for more of love triangle and a lot of moments of Clarke pining after Finn. IIRC, this pretty much stops after this episode, as Clarke mostly moves on and gets busy with dealing with more important things, but then Finn starts pining more and more after Clarke, and Raven starts moping over noticing Finn pining over Clarke. My feelings during those scenes were mostly "Oh come on, girls, you can both do better". (Sorry, Finn fans.) At one point, Raven yells: 'He's all I've got". It's really sad she feels that way, but I guess that's a sign of how sad her life has been, with the mother she had and no other family. In another scene, Clarke emotionally tells the unconscious Finn: "I cannot do this without you"... and I can't help but laugh because I remember YouTube reactor's Liam Duke reaction to this scene - he just casually said: "Yes, you can". :D First appearance of Nate Miller, who wears a cap and is one of the Delinquents participating in Lincoln's torture, besides Bellamy, Clarke, Raven, and some other random guy. The first line anyone speaks to him is Clarke telling him: "Get out of my way, Miller". Who would have ever thought that Miller and Murphy would be 2 of the only 4 surviving Delinquents at the end of season 5? The more interesting aspect of all of this was, of course, the whole debate about morality, mostly between Clarke and Bellamy. Clarke starts off opposing torture, then later agrees to it, in desperation. It's mostly Bellamy beating Lincoln up, but Raven later joins, also motivated by the threat to Finn's life, and goes, let me show you new ways to torture, and gives Lincoln electric shocks. I guess this episode made me realize I had my own strong ruthless pragmatic streak ;D because, the first time I watched this, my main thought during the torture scenes was: "Oh come on, guys, everyone knows that torture doesn't work as an interrogation tactic. Just stab him with his own poisoned knife instead. That should make him want to tell you what the antidote is." I was waiting for someone to do that (though I guess, there was always the possibility he would be really stubborn and ready to die, so it would be a risk), but finally, Octavia did something even better, cutting herself, since she realized Lincoln had a thing for her and wouldn't want her to die. Clarke and Bellamy have noticeably become friendlier and closer at this point. He even touches her shoulder briefly in a comforting way when she was sad and worried about Finn. Some pretty (in)famous lines from this episode: Clarke: "This is not who we are" - Bellamy: "It is now" Bellamy to Clarke, at the end, after they've both participated in torture, and Clarke feels bad about it: 'Who we are and who we need to be are two different things". Probably one of the crucial but also most questionable pieces of advice about leadership that she got during the course of the show. I'm not sure that Bellamy would agree with his old self now, but Clarke took that piece of advice maybe a bit too much to heart. Also: "It's not easy being in charge." Admission that they're co-leaders now. Bellamy also at one point tells Clarke that they are already at war and have been since they landed, which is very similar to what he will tell her during their argument in 3x05. And it's true. The Grounders speared Jasper the first day and engaged in intimidation tactics from the start, even before actually killing any of the 100. Speaking about being in charge, I think that the reason Lincoln assumed that Clarke was the leader of the 100 rather than Bellamy (as we later learn) is because, while Bellamy was giving orders to the other Delinquents (like Miller or the random kid), he was listening to what Clarke had to say and obviously valued her opinion and did his best to convince her to agree with him. But it's interesting that I've never seen anyone, in-universe or in the fandom, apply similar reasoning to their dynamic in the first half of season 4, when Clarke was considered the leader in many ways, but was in the habit of always consulting with Bellamy and checking if he agreed with her, when he was around. If I wanted to explain that, I'd probably say some things about how people perceive women in power vs men in power. Something similar to the well known fact that most people get the impression that women dominate the conversation when they actually talk about 30% of it, let alone 50%. It's interesting to see Lincoln's notebook now, because some of the drawings are obviously the Mountain Men in hazmat suits and a Mountain Man in a gillie suit. There's also the statue of Lincoln that he got his name from, and the Delinquent camp, with 102 lines, 10 of them crossed, for 10 Delinquents already dead. . 100 Delinquents + Bellamy + Raven. 

[shiyaki]

Symphony 1

Pairing: Vishous / Butch aka Dhestroyer

Fandoms: Black Dagger Brotherhood

Summary: “I can’t believe I’m asking this, but I guess weirder things have happened, true? You’re in a time loop?”

Warnings: Temporary character death, swearing, violence

“Hey Cop, feeling better?”

„V, already finished your rounds?”   Butch raised his hand in greeting, but didn’t bother looking away from the TV in front of him or providing an update on his current state of health. “Hey, do ya know anyone who’s good at playing the piano? Or making ice sculptures?”

From the corner of his eye he noticed Vishous stop in mid-motion, the gloveless hand no longer seeking a self-rolled cigarette and the right foot still raised from nudging the door closed. Even without seeing it, he could vividly imagine the current ‘what the fuck’-expression on his best friend’s face. Butch’s lips curled into a wistful grin. Incredulity was a good look on the other male; every expression was a good look on him except for that one. The one burned into Butch’s soul and which he never ever wanted to experience again.

“Why? Did the transition knock loose more than a sudden appreciation for chocolate? What’s up with the sudden art enthusiasm?” V ribbed after a short moment of silence and lowered his hand, the cigarette apparently forgotten for the moment. He approached the couch, where he spent a full minute watching Bill Murray tinkling the ivories on the widescreen. “You’re watching Grounddog Day…”

“Yup.” Ignoring Vishous’ judgingly raised eyebrow, Butch stuffed a bite of the huge, extra-cheese pizza, with cheesy crust into his mouth. He didn’t even feel guilty about the amount of fat he was currently consuming. Besides a vampire’s ridiculously quick metabolism, which would be the envy of every and all eating contest participants worldwide, the calories wouldn’t be a problem for more than a few days.

V’s piercing gaze wandered from the side of Butch’s head to the half-emptied bottle of Lagavulin and the stack of DVDs on the coffee table, then he picked up the latter. His diamond colored eyes quickly skimmed the synopses on the back covers and with each one the furrows on V’s forehead became more pronounced. Finally he dropped the movies back onto the table and eyed Butch bemusedly.

“You must be really bored. A time loop marathon, Cop?”

Butch silently stared back at Vishous, chewing away on another mouthful and using the time to ponder the situation. Did he want V to know? It wasn’t like it was going to help his plight, but… Well, who was he kidding? Of course he wanted him to know. He wanted him to know and keep knowing and he wanted a lot of other things that were out of his reach.

“It’s kinda soothing.” Butch averted his gaze from V’s half lidded eyes and hissed in annoyance when he shifted and irritated his still sensitive skin. “They’re caught in a loop, forced to experience the same day time and time again, while everyone around them forgets. It’s slowly driving them insane, because they have no idea how to escape and they’re starting to do stupid things, but…” A pair of black boots appeared in front of him seconds before two heavy hands settled on his shoulders.

“Butch?”

“… But in the end they fix whatever the fuck needs fixing and then they’re on their merry way to the future,” Butch finished and closed his eyes. His mouth had run away with him, but he honestly didn’t care, he was just so tired and sick of this.

“You don’t sound all that soothed,” Vishous assessed. It seemed more like an afterthought, though the squeeze to Butch’s shoulder felt earnest. “I can’t believe I’m asking this, but I guess weirder things have happened, true? You’re in a time loop?”

Butch wasn’t too surprised that V had jumped to that conclusion based on his ramblings or that the other vampire seemed to give the idea some real consideration. He was great like that. “Always knew you were a smart guy. Or, I guess, bright spark fits you better, with the glowy thing and stuff.” The remark earned him a punch to the shoulder, but he just grinned.

Vishous fetched a still unopened bottle of Grey Goose and a tumbler from the kitchen and threw his leather jacket over the backrest of the couch, before he dropped down next to Butch. While unscrewing the cap, V side-eyed him, his gaze filled with curiosity and concern.

“So… how long have you been at this?”

“Can’t really say. A year maybe?” Butch put the rest of his pizza slice back into the box and wiped the grease off his fingers with one of the tissues he had located nearby for other, more personal substances. “It’s hard to keep track, especially because it’s not just a day but nine. The loop begins during my transition, which sucks ass by the way, and lasts until the day of my initial initiation into the Brotherhood.”

Vishous forwent the tumbler and took a pull right on the bottle. Then another one. “Tell me everything, maybe we can find out what’s causing it.” “Oh, I know what started all of this. Your-… uh… the Scribe Virgin apparently had some-“

“Wait! My what?” V narrowed his eyes at him, but Butch firmly shook his head and cursed his slip of the tongue.

“Nope, forget what I just said. Buddy, please believe me when I say that you don’t want to know. And honestly? I don’t want to tell ya, especially not now. The last time I was there to witness you getting this information ya went all phoenix or dragon or some shit and turned several buildings into dust.”

Vishous was full out glaring at him now and looked about ready to shake or punch the truth out of Butch, but that hadn’t intimidated him (much) when he had still been a human and it certainly wouldn’t now.  Five minutes into their staring match, V huffed and his glare subsided to a ‘This ain’t over’- narrowing of his eyes. Butch barely managed to suppress his grin.

“So, as I was saying, before you so rudely interrupted me, the Scribe Virgin had some sort of vision after my initiation, but things weren’t right for it to come true, so she started this damn time loop and it won’t stop until I achieve whatever it is that leads to her picture perfect future. And because she’s an unhelpful bitch, she refuses to tell me what she saw. Only on the last day, by the way, before then she has no clue what’s going on.” Butch had never seen V’s eyes get this big and he had seen a lot of expressions on the other vampire’s face. Huh…

“Please tell me you have never called her that to her face, Cop,” Vishous muttered despairingly into his hands, after he’d buried his face in them. The shock had apparently dissipated the remaining irritation completely.

“I did actually. Once. Didn’t end well, but it’s still the truth. Anyway, I’m taking this loop off, as they say.” It was still ridiculous that he could say such a thing in any plausible context.

“But-“

“No. V…” Butch dragged a hand through his hair and uttered a bone-deep sigh. “I know this is new for you, but I promise, I’ve already told ya all of this. Repeatedly. I’ve told you and the rest of the Brotherhood and Marissa and… Hell, I talked to Rhevenge once or twice. I’ve tried so many different things and I always wake up to the feeling of every damn bone in my body breaking and the knowledge that I have yet again failed at whatever the Scribe Virgin wants me to do. I just… Please don’t get on my case for a few days of time-out.”

For a long, almost unbearable moment, silence was Butch’s only answer. He didn’t dare look at Vishous’ face to gauge his reaction, so he startled a bit, when the other vampire got up. Instead of leaving, however, V swapped the DVD in the DVD player and sat back down. He pressed the play button on the remote control, when the main menu popped up and settled his legs on the table after snatching one of the pizza slices.

“I don’t know anything about piano playing or ice sculpturing, but I can show you some blacksmithing, true?”

Some of the tension drained out of Butch’s body, enough for a small grin to appear on his lips. “And baking bread?”

“What?”  V raised a disbelieving eyebrow. Totally unnecessary in Butch’s opinion.

“Well, you… not you you obviously, but a you said that ya bake awesome bread. I’m curious if that’s the truth.”

V mouthed ‘a you’ and shook his head. “Stop talking, before I get more of a headache than I already have. But okay. I guess, we can put baking bread on the list, too.”

~*~

Vishous was utterly frustrated with the situation and being covered in flour from head to toe didn’t even factor in. Though how Butch had managed to turn the kitchen into a winter wonderland or a cocaine drug bust gone wrong (depending on the one being asked) was still beyond him.

No, the main reason was this whole time loop business.

Sure, it was hard to wrap his mind around the concept, but V did believe Butch. The expressions he had seen on his best friend’s face the previous night would have been enough to convince him, but the cop also moved like he had had a fuckton of time getting used to his new body. There were also the new skills in dematerialization, knife throwing and the Old Language. Not to mention the information Butch evidently was and shouldn’t be privy to.

V didn’t know which issue to tackle first. The apparent connection he shared with the Scribe Virgin and finding out what other stuff Butch had dug up on him? Just imagining that the cop knew about his lovely five-star stay in Bloodletter’s camp turned his stomach.

Maybe he should first focus on puzzling out how to stop this time loop shit, before Butch really went loopy. He was already on his best way to the loony bin, it seemed. Why else would they be standing in the Pit’s kitchen, channeling girl scouts? What next? Would they collaborate with Rhevenge and sell hash cookies in ZeroSums for a good cause?

Anyway, Butch had mentioned… other Vs (what the fuck?) coming up with ideas, which had ultimately ended in failure, but that didn’t mean he would just sit around on his ass and twiddle his thumbs. He would indulge Butch’s wish for a week-long time-out, though, because he really, really looked like he needed one and V was pathetically whipped, when it came to the cop. Hopefully he wouldn’t come up with anything too outrageous, like robbing a bank… Huh, that could be pretty interesting, actually. Not the ski-mask wearing, bank clerk threatening take on things, of course, more of an Ocean 11 kinda thing.

“Sorry about dumping this on ya,” Butch muttered, looking up from the dough he was kneading dutifully. He looked fucking ridiculous with the wannabe salt and pepper hair and the smudge on his cheek. “Know you have enough on your plate at the moment, buddy.” His gaze flickered to V’s twitching eyelid, which was usually covered by his, well, their Red Sox cap. Vishous hadn’t bothered wearing it in the Pit. Butch probably knew all about it, anyway, including what his nightmare was about. That was a whole new nightmare in the making to be honest…

“Don’t rack your brain about it, Cop, true?” V nodded to the dough, while his hands deftly worked on a self-rolled. “Throw a towel over that and leave it alone for an hour or so.” A smirk curled the corner of his lips. “You can use that time to play Cinderella and scrub the kitchen clean.”

And Vishous would spend it working on… something, as long as he was far away from Butch and the cop’s growing problem.

Fucking post-trans horniness.

[seriouscuttervoice]

Apotheosis

Chapter 2 | I

Fandom: Mystic Messenger/Death Note (Crossover)

Characters: Rem, V, OCs (V’s family), Jumin Han

Links: AO3 | FF | First Chapter | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Notes: This chapter is long, long, long overdue, initially because of writer's block and then because of the stages of grief that came with realizing V route was going to (and did) redact a lot of my fic into firm AU territory. I've decided that instead of changing my plans for this fic to align with the information provided by V route, I'm going to continue with what I originally had planned for the fic. I'm not complaining about having additional canon information-- it's fantastic-- but I fear my motivation to finish this will dwindle into nothing if I have to go off my original course too much. I started writing this chapter before V route and finished it after, and it's probably the first time I make a major divergence from canon (other than, you know, having V be the reincarnation of a shinigami from an entirely different series) on purpose. I really hope you enjoy this and I apologize for taking so long to get it out!

It's not her first week or even her first month at school when another student, not by his actions or anything he's said but by his mere presence, strikes Rem breathless. She's seen him before, in church, in class, but she never realized until now that she isn't the only person who spends their recesses outside alone. As if pushed away by some invisible force filling the air, he stands at the edge of the school courtyard; perhaps it's the same force that compelled Rem to wander off here in the first place. The tall and empty walls that should have diminished him with their size are inferior to the look in his eyes, ice and fire all at once, passionate scrutiny, and with a start this young boy reminds Rem not of her own downfall but of Misa's, the man she loved who used love like a weapon and turned a god to ash. It's too much memory for a boy so young, and when he turns that gaze on Rem in this soft, child's body and asks, "Why do you look at me that way?," Rem has spent enough time as a human to know that he is art.

"Do you want me to stop?" she asks, uncertain if she's disturbed him. He's a little shorter than Jihyun is, but it doesn't feel that way. The boy's eyes survey her up and down, appraising her with eyebrows arched, lips twisted for a moment in thought, before he shrugs and turns his face away.

"Do as you like," he tells her, and for a moment the command stupefies her, desperately searching in her mind for what exactly it is that she'd like to do so she can comply. Her eyes find her shoes, black and freshly shined the night before by Yunseo. The other boy wears similar ones of a slightly different style, his pointed at the front where Jihyun's are square, standard footwear for the compulsory school uniform. Rem hesitates, then raises her head again to look at his face.

"What's your name?" she asks, and the question feels too personal, a few characters on a page that could be the difference between life and death, a secret to be closely guarded yet is so easily taken away.

"You don't know it?" the boy questions, an overly critical crease in his forehead for someone his age. "We've been in the same class for two months and twelve days, we attend the same church, and we've visited each other's houses before, but you don't know my name?"

He speaks like he spends his free time reading the dictionary, a pastime Rem can't deny she's participated in herself before out of boredom, selective of his words in a way that's unnatural for his stature. She stares wide-eyed at him for his harshness. Human names and even faces are difficult, slipping in and out of her mind without a trace no matter how hard she tries, and she's tempted to ask how he can remember her name before she realizes he's not given any particular indication that he does.

"I suppose I've forgotten," she mumbles, allowing her language to slip back into the stiff formalness she was accustomed to as a shinigami to match the other's speech. She's surprised to find how unforced it feels, realizing for the first time that her quietness around most humans might be due to the amount of effort it takes to vocalize as they expect Jihyun to.

The other blinks, scowling but apparently unable to look away from her, and after a moment of contemplative silence he slowly utters, "My name is Jumin Han."

Jumin Han.

It's a name she's heard before, the Han part certainly is, in her parents' dinner conversations and dripping with bitter spite from Yunseo's lips. His family doesn't live far from where Jihyun's does, a large house with black panels that's more modern than most others in the neighbourhood, though the inside is more traditional than one might expect.

She repeats the name several times in her head, Jumin Han, Jumin Han, the words more precious than the other boy could realize, and somehow she knows that this time she won't forget.

"The conventional thing to do, at this point," the other says, startling Rem out of her thoughts, "would be to introduce yourself, but there's no need as I already know who you are."

She nods, her lips feeling stuck together, and though the boy is stern she finds herself taking his word for it easily, something about him exuding honesty and trustworthiness even while he rebukes her with his words. She feels she's somehow unearthed something, trespassed into a space she wasn't meant to be and stuck gold, like the earrings she wore as a shinigami, like the pink paint she took from the human world. He doesn't seem bothered by her staring, though he doesn't meet her eyes, and for a moment Rem longs to stay like this, silently drinking in the details of this boy's world, a world that appears to be all his own, separate from the oversaturation and noise she's come to associate with the human realm. He doesn't interrupt her, completely still and with perfect posture, and she knows then that she was wrong in her initial assessment of him. This boy is better than Light Yagami, greater than Light Yagami, and if the gods fell for him it would only be natural, his effortless honesty making him worthy of it, with no need for deception or delicate maneuvering to make it happen. He emanates magnetism, seems almost composed of it, and it's a quality she thinks can't be taken from him, a fundamental of his being that makes him meant to walk this earth.

She tears her eyes away; too much, too much, and when she does he takes a step toward her and she finds herself breathless once more.

"Spend recess with me," he says, his right foot barely a few centimetres from hers, eyes full of intensity. She nods again, refusing to look away this time, and he remains for just a moment, holding her there in his world, before he moves back.

And then he smiles.

Muscles in his face relax, eyebrows lose their arch, his lips curve just barely upward, and he looks at her with a carefreeness she wouldn't have thought him capable of as the warm light of morning seems to envelop her from his face.

"Good," he says, motioning to a bench by one of the paths in the courtyard. "Should we sit? I think we'll like each other, Jihyun."

Rem knows he's right, and it's a strange feeling, unaccustomed to attention or her presence being wanted, and together they walk away from the towering wall.

Jumin becomes a fixture in her life with ease, occupying a place she didn't know existed and fitting perfectly into it. The two of them are silent more often than not, but it's a different sort of silence than that she shares with her family, a silence that's whole instead of hollow, a silence that's full like a sponge with water, and while she can't tell if she herself contributes anything to that completeness, she knows Jumin does with his overwhelming presence. They don't speak because there's no need for words, and when the words do come they are easy, unedited in their clunkiness, too big for either of them and their children's bodies. She's half-tempted to tell him her history, to ask if he was a god once too, but otherworldly as he seems Rem knows there's something irrevocably human about him, the very thing that drew the likes of herself and Gelus to this world in the first place.

Rem's searches for gods who'd become humans are mostly fruitless, references to human descent almost invariably linked to Christianity. Typing in Gelus's name does nothing either, the other apparently uninterested in making himself known to other former shinigami, if he's even here at all. It's possible that if he too became human then he's in a completely different time period than Rem is, or a different timeline altogether. And there's also a chance he didn't become a human in the first place.

It's much easier to find references to the opposite, the concept of humans that become gods, deification or apotheosis as the process is called. Humans appear to be fascinated by the idea, and Rem supposes she can understand what the allure of power and eternity could be to people who never had them within their grasp. She too might find it enthralling, were the power she had not the power of death, and were the eternity she had not dependent on it. Her parents never ask what she's searching for, so she never has to hide it, though she likely could if she wanted to because Jihyun apparently inherited her talent for going unnoticed, though not through any ability to be literally invisible. He slips in an out of places almost without a sound, and those just realizing he's entered the room remark that he surprises them with his quiet. She doesn't broach the subjects she searches for with Jumin, either, though he'd undoubtedly be interested in the concept of descent from godhood, but he's too sharp and too perceptive for Rem to fully trust he wouldn't put the entire picture together.

He starts inviting her to his house, and though Jihyun is allowed to invite over anyone he wants, he's also allowed to go any place he wishes, and Rem prefers to be at Jumin's. The other boy's house is full of invisible people; kitchen staff and housekeepers that Rem rarely sees, going about their obligations to maintain the orderliness of the place. Jumin doesn't think twice about it, and soon neither does Rem, the novelty of being seen both unnerving and difficult not to enjoy. Jumin listens to her, and Rem knows that if she ever asked him to make her a promise he wouldn't break it, possessing a degree of respect for her that's totally foreign to her life.

Jumin's father is rarely home, though his mother always is, and Jumin makes a point to correct Jihyun when he refers to her as such, firmly informing her that the woman living in his house is not his mother. Rem gives him a questioning look, less aware of human customs than she expected, and Jumin says he'll explain it another time.

Jumin's insistence that he and Jihyun be alone most of the time is no discomfort to her, used to adults taking little interest in her life. Even when their parents get together for dinner, Jumin prefers that the two of them take off on their own as soon as the meal is finished, circling the perimeter of his garden or sitting on the rug in his bedroom.

"I thought you were looking forward to having dinner together with your father," Rem comments, purposely not phrasing it as a question so the other doesn't feel obliged to respond. Jumin leans back against the footboard of his bed, so large it could probably swallow him.

"I was," he says, tracing circles on his kneecap. Even outside of school, Jumin dresses as if in uniform. Jihyun wears a t-shirt and jeans, though Rem isn't sure whether or not they're expensive. "But his girlfriend is with him, and I don't like her."

"Oh," Rem says, and suddenly everything makes sense. She wondered why the woman who appeared to be Mr. Han's wife was so young, but time spent with Kyosuke Higuchi should've told her that this was normal for businessmen. Jumin's father seems so kind, though, she wouldn't have thought to connect the two even in spite of them having the same occupation.

"Mm," Jumin acknowledges. She watches him for a moment, wondering if he wants to elaborate, but he says nothing more so she doesn't press him. Jumin's bedroom is nice, a bit oversized but so is Jihyun's. Everything from the wooden floors to the bed to the armchairs on either side of the table in the middle of the room are white, the only exception provided by a fish tank that sits on top of the table, the fish swimming inside reflecting the sunlight with vibrant colours.

It's quiet for a long time, and Rem wonders for a moment why Jumin sits on the floor when his room has armchairs and a window seat, and she's trying to decide if that's too impolite to ask when she feels a weight press against her arm, eyes widening as she realizes Jumin has shifted to lean on her, just slightly, his dark hair falling on Jihyun's shoulder. The touch is unexpected, accustomed to her only contact being Yunseo's hand firmly grasping Jihyun's when crossing the street or in a crowded place.

"Jumin?"

Jumin stiffens, and Rem regrets it for a moment as he raises his head ever so slightly, then seems to change his mind and leans on Jihyun again.

"You know," he says softly. Jihyun waits. "I've never had a friend before."

This isn't surprising. Jumin is young, has hardly had enough time in the world for it to be confusing that he hasn't made friends before, but the word puts Rem on alert.

"Friend?" she echoes, and Jumin shifts off of her shoulder to engage her in a serious look.

"That's what we are, right?" he asks, and though his voice is steely the question is sincere, searching her face with his silver eyes for answers. "Friends?"

Rem returns his eye contact and for once wonders if Jumin feels her presence as strongly as she feels his, because he averts his gaze slightly to look at her nose instead of her eyes. It's a word Rem hadn't considered for them before. Friends… the weight with which Jumin spoke the word makes sense now, though Jumin himself wouldn't be able to understand it. He's a young boy with the body of a delicate child, only a few short years into school. Rem is ancient, lived for centuries without ever having a single friend, the closest perhaps being Gelus, but even then it was she who was fascinated by him, the other shinigami sharing no similar interest in Rem or anyone other than the human girl he watched. That, of course, was natural. And Misa could hardly be called a friend, care for her as much as Rem did.

But him… Jumin Han. He seeks out Jihyun's presence, remembers things about him that Jihyun doesn't remember about himself, hangs onto his every word even when they're clumsily put together and say nothing of importance. He's unselfish, doesn't only care for Jihyun to the extent that Jihyun can be useful to him, whether as a willing sacrifice or a soundboard. Jumin is considerate of Rem, gives her special attention that even her parents don't give her. His eyes are the only place that Rem holds any significance—that Rem ever held any significance.

"Yes," she breathes, and Jumin watches her, unwavering. "I suppose we are."

Jumin slowly nods, then shifts again, replacing his head against her shoulder once more. Silence overtakes the air, the distant sound of parents' voices downstairs drifting into the room from behind the closed door.

"Let's stay this way," Jumin murmurs, and Rem can hear in his voice that this time it's not a command.

It's a plea.

"We will," she says.

She hopes he can hear in Jihyun's voice that it's a vow.

[jouissezduprintemps]

Something to Prove, Chapter Six: The Written Exam

Rating: T Warnings: Swearing Words: 3054 Fandom: Naruto Summary: As Suna prepares for its first independently-held chunin exam since Gaara became kazekage, the sand siblings must make sure that everything goes off without a hitch.

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The shrill ringing in the air had Temari gritting her teeth in disdain. After physically attempting to distance herself from the offensive noise, she covered her head with her pillow. Blindly, she swung her arm in the direction of the bedside table. The back of her hand made contact with the clock and sent it tumbling to the ground.

The alarm sounded muffled, but it was still there. It must have rolled under the bed. Temari gathered all of her strength and forced herself up into a sitting position. There was much more resistance than she thought, as though there was a weight on her chest.

When she righted herself, it took her a moment to understand the situation she was in. A limp, muscular arm fell back down to the bed, slapping against her knee. The figure she’d only now noticed beside her stirred, and another hand appeared to drag the comforter up over its head.

“Make it stop…” Shikamaru’s voice was heavy with sleep. He sounded hoarse, which drug out the gravelly base that his voice always carried.

Temari felt frozen in place. The night before, she hadn’t been drunk enough to forget everything that happened, but she could have sworn that it was just a dream. The alarm continued to ring, much to her disdain, but she made no move to retrieve it.

Two forceful knocks came from the other side of the door. “Shikamaru, shut that damned thing up, will you?!” Kankuro shouted, clearly annoyed. “You’ve woken everyone else up with it, and you’re sure as hell not going to be the only one to sleep through it.”

Temari jumped into action as the bottom of her stomach seemed to drop. Her only thought was to keep Kankuro from walking into the room. She dropped to her hands and knees and rooted around under the bed, her fingers feeling for the offensive metal. When she found it, she drew it to her and turned it upside down, using her fingernail to silence the ringing.

“Thank you!” Kankuro called out of aggravation rather than gratitude.

Temari sighed in relief and sat up on her knees, the clock in her hands. Shikamaru had propped himself into a sitting position. His glazed eyes stared down at her, his face expressionless. As he took a few seconds to wake up, his look changed to one of confusion, then surprise, and finally recognition.

“Yeah.” Temari whispered, affirming his thoughts that he didn’t speak aloud.

“Aw, shit.”

“Yeah.”

Shikamaru berated himself for falling into the same sort of situation he’d had to get them out of just a week before. In his defense, this time, it wasn’t actually his fault. But that didn’t mean that the kazekage wouldn’t beat him like a ragdoll for it. “We didn’t…”

“No.”

“Good.”

He saw Temari raise an eyebrow, and he thanked the powers that be that they were both too hungover to start down that road. He climbed out of bed and rooted in his pack for his pants. They needed to be ready to leave in half an hour. Time to push aside his illness and focus.

When Temari pulled herself to her feet, his brow furrowed. Unlike when she stayed at Choji’s, she had opted for a tank top and a complete lack of pants, most likely due to the warmer climate. This was no time to gawk. Should he give her his pants? Would that be suspicious if her brothers saw her? Of course it would! But she couldn’t just walk out of his room dressed like that.

His brain was working at about half its normal speed. He hit his forehead with his palm, urging it to think faster.

“Get dressed,” Temari urged him in a whisper. “Just put something on so you can make sure my brothers aren’t in the hallway.”

“Good plan.” Why couldn’t he think of that? He did as he was told and left the room, leaving the door cracked behind him. Nervously, he made his way into the kitchen, where, to his relief, both Gaara and Kankuro were enjoying breakfast. To keep his cover, he filled a large mug with black coffee. Both brothers were studying him, and he tried to keep from feeling nervous. They didn’t know anything.

“Shikamaru.”

Gaara’s voice scared him half to death, but he didn’t let it show.

“Are you sure you’re capable of proctoring today’s exam?”

“Oh. Yeah. I’ll be fine.” Shikamaru assured him, attempting to be as convincing as possible. “It takes way more than this to put me out of commission.”

“Good.”

Shikamaru wasn’t sure if that was gratitude for his wellbeing or a mild threat. With Gaara, it was hard to tell the difference.

“You need to hurry,” Gaara added, noting the leaf ninja’s disheveled appearance. “And knock on Temari’s door, if you would. I’m starting to wonder if she set an alarm.”

“Right.” He couldn’t believe that he’d managed to navigate that one. Mug in hand, he walked back to his room, relieved to find it empty. They couldn’t keep pushing their luck like this.

He set his coffee down and gathered his black hair up on the back of his hand, holding the ribbon between his teeth. He should have sent her back to her room last night. That would have been the smart thing to do. They could have avoided all this trouble if he’d just taken a moment to think.

His eyes glanced over at the bed, studying the state of disarray on both sides. Perhaps it wouldn’t be terrible to admit to himself that he’d enjoyed her company. They’d both slept better for it, at least.

His head was throbbing from the lingering effects of the sake. Whatever it was they found, it didn’t play. In retrospect, it had probably been gifted to the kazekage. It tasted expensive. Gaara probably tucked it away. Most likely, he didn’t want it to go to waste, but Shikamaru had never seen him drink, either. He’d just assumed that it was a courtesy Gaara gave around Lee, who, out of a regard for everyone’s safety, refrained as well.

The ribbon cinched around his hair, keeping it tightly in place. At least he’d look acceptable. He took his mug of coffee and drank it to the last drop, ignoring the temperature. With his empty cup in one hand and the folder of exams in the other, he strode back into the kitchen. He’d need another four of those before he was able to function.

A little bit of makeup went a long way when it came to hiding how hungover Temari actually was. She wasn’t one to wear any, usually, but a little foundation, sharp eyeliner, and a bit of color on her lips had her looking healthy. Kankuro and Gaara were sure to notice, but they both knew about her escapade the night before. Aside from Shikamaru, the only other person likely to notice was Baki. If he said something about it, she was sure she could deflect whatever came her way.

For two people who downed an entire, rather large bottle of top-shelf sake the night before, she had to admit that she and Shikamaru managed to look pretty damned good.

The light stung her eyes as they followed the street down to the testing center, but she was too proud to show it. The only things she carried were her fan across her back and a large thermos, filled with enough coffee to, hopefully, give them both enough energy to survive the next several hours. To her right, Shikamaru held the folder of exams tightly. Until they were administered, he needed to keep a close eye on them, just in case. With his free hand, he allowed himself a cigarette, another attempt at sobering himself up.

If someone didn’t know they were as hungover as sin, they’d look like a couple of suave, young jonin.

This wasn’t the time or the place for them to discuss last night or this morning, and there was a slight amount of tension between them as a result. Temari had to admit that this was probably to their benefit. They shouldn’t appear too comfortable around one another in front of the genin and jonin of the other villages.

Inside the testing center, the air was crisp. It was just enough to cause mild discomfort for anyone who didn’t dress in layers. Good, she remarked. Everything about the first exam was designed to make the genin sweat under the collar.

The pair took the first flight of stairs and turned to the left. Shikamaru grabbed the handle on the door and opened it, allowing Temari to enter first. When she did so, the dull roar produced by the chattering genin immediately died. With Shikamaru on her heels, they made their way to the table at the front of the room. She set the thermos down before turning to the participants, her eyes hard and unforgiving.

“I am Temari of the Sand. This is Shikamaru Nara. We’re your proctors for the first exam. I don’t know what you may have heard or experienced in past years, but we’re going to do things a little differently this time. There will be no speaking. There will be no jutsu. There will be no cheating. Every jonin in this room is here to watch you. Break these rules, and you’re immediately disqualified. If you are told to leave and you argue, your entire squad will be disqualified.

“On each sheet of paper are ten questions. Any chunin should be able to answer them in half the time limit we are providing. If you do not finish the exam before time runs out, you will be assessed on the answers you have provided and will lose points for any incomplete questions.”

Shikamaru stepped forward, taking the lead. “There are four separate versions of the test. These have not been marked. Should you attempt to cheat, remember that you have only a 25% chance that you will be stealing the answer to the appropriate question. The chance that that answer will be correct is far lower. Until this point, you’ve worked together as a squad. Today, we test you individually. The whole may be greater than the sum of its parts, but if even one part isn’t up to snuff, any mission will end in certain failure.

“Now, before we begin, is there anyone who would like to back out now and save themselves the embarrassment?”

The genin shifted uncomfortably in their seats, glancing around the room at one another. No one stood up. Shikamaru could easily spot at least five genin who should have taken the opportunity.

Temari opened the folder and withdrew the exam papers. She divided the stack in half, and, one by one, she handed them out to the students at the front of the room. Shikamaru worked his way in from the back. When they met in the middle, both had a small number of sheets left over. Temari took them from her fellow proctor and returned them to the file, which sat on the table at the front of the room.

She took the liberty of unscrewing the lid from the thermos and filling it with coffee. It might have been unorthodox for a proctor to bring something like that into the exam room, but, as far as she was concerned, it would just be another distraction for the nervous genin. She could see Baki’s questioning look from across the room, but she pretended like he hadn’t been in her line of sight.

The room was filled with the sound of scratching pencils as the genin tried to figure out the answers to the questions Shikamaru had formulated. He and Temari sat side-by-side at the table in the front of the room, paying close attention to the children. Every so often, a jonin would signal for someone to leave the room. At least, so far, anyone who was removed had been wise enough not to argue.

Shikamaru and Temari continued to pass the thermos back and forth, functioning almost exclusively off of liquid energy. Shikamaru kept a careful eye on the clock, watching as the minutes ticked away.

“You, glasses from the Cloud,” Temari snapped, not having to leave her chair to signal out the genin. With a look of dismay, the kid left his seat and trudged out of the hall. She took the thermos lid from Shikamaru’s hand and refilled it, disappointed that there was less coffee than she had anticipated. To her benefit, her head had begun to clear. Shikamaru appeared more alert, as well. She just hoped that they could ride the caffeine boost until the first exam was finished.

Fifteen minutes passed before Shikamaru stood. The metal legs of his chair screeched across the tile floor, calling attention to the front of the room. “Time,” he declared, much to the horror of the remaining genin.

“There’s one more problem on this exam, one that isn’t printed in front of you. Listen up, because I’m only going to say this once.

If you get this question correct, you’ll pass this exam without having to worry about the rest of your answers. If you fail this question, you’ll immediately fail.”

“Are you telling me that this didn’t even matter?!” Konohamaru’s voice stood out against the surprised murmurs of the crowd.

Shikamaru held his hand up, bringing silence to the room once more. “You have a choice. You can stay and answer the question, or you can leave now and take the exam next year. Choose wisely. If you stay, and you fail the question, you will never be able to take the chunin exam again. You’ll remain a genin for the rest of your life.

“If you stay, and you ace this question, you’ll progress to the next stage. However, should any of your teammates fail, the entire squad will suffer he same fate.

“You have thirty seconds to make your decision. You may not speak to your squadmates.”

Temari looked up at Shikamaru, studying his face. He seemed confident. Whether he was certain the genin would make the right decision or he was stroking his ego, she wasn’t sure.

She heard the legs of a chair scratch across the floor. The boisterous leaf genin with the goggles had stood up, his small hands clenched into fists. His head hung in shame as he shuffled out of the room. His squadmates took his lead, following him out of the double-doors.

Konohamaru had sparked the rest of the genin to action. The sound of the metal scraping over the tile was like nails on a chalkboard to Temari, but she ground her teeth and bore the sound. Shikamaru remained standing, waiting patiently as the last of the ashamed genin exited the hall. A quick glance around the room revealed five genin confident enough to remain.

Shikamaru drew in a breath and narrowed his thin eyes. “You all fail.”

The uproar from the five children was enough to split an eardrum.

“Sacrificing yourself is one thing; sacrificing your squadmates is another. By risking their success on the chance of your own, even when they weren’t confident enough to finish the mission, you’ve doomed yourselves to fail. You’re all dismissed. Luckily for you, I’ve decided to allow you to take the test again in six months, if your jonin think you’ve learned enough to try again.”

With a nod to the jonin in the room, Shikamaru declared that the exam had finished. He and Temari stayed at the front of the room until it was empty. They then walked down the aisles, gathering the tests and pencils that had been left behind.

Temari took a moment to look at one test in particular. Across the top, the name Konohamaru Sarutobi was scrawled in hasty print. Each question had been attempted, but it was clear that he had given up. What entertained her was the rather unflattering drawing of Shikamaru on the back of the page. It was far from the work of an artist, but the slightly-evolved stick figure’s pointed face and spiky hair left no question about who it was supposed to be. In a crudely drawn speech bubble were the words: I’m so smart and I’m gonna show off with this stupid exam that no one can pass.

She couldn’t keep her laugh contained, and she separated that sheet from the rest of the tests. Shikamaru, who had caught a glimpse of it, tried to take it from her, but she held it out of his reach.

“Give me that.”

“Yeah, right! I’m framing this!”

“Like hell you are!”

“You can’t censor art, Shikamaru!”

Kankuro paused to study the piece of paper stuck to their fridge. “Why do we have a child’s drawing of Shikamaru in our kitchen?” he asked, somehow unable to be surprised by anything that went on in his own home at this point.

“Temari insisted,” Gaara informed his brother as he filled a glass of water from the sink.

Kankuro snorted before opening the door to the refrigerator. “And she calls us weird.”

Gaara turned his back on his brother and took a minute to look out the window. “Do you think we should be worried?”

“What’d’ya mean?” Kankuro asked.

“That they’re sleeping together.”

“WHOA!” Kankuro slammed the door to the fridge shut. “Man, that’s our sister! You don’t joke about shit like that!” He knew that Gaara, because he was isolated as a child, could be oblivious to social customs, but this was stepping too far over the boundary, even for him.

“I’m not joking.”

“No. You know what? No. I’m not having this conversation.”

“We need to, if they are. This could have serious implications for both villages.”

“Nope!” Kankuro shouted, pointedly leaving the kitchen. “Not happening, Gaara!”

“Kankuro-”

“Nope!”

Gaara frowned and drummed his fingertips against the countertop. Having his brother and sister as advisors was useful most of the time, but Kankuro was useless this time around. He supposed he could talk about this with Baki, but, somehow, that didn’t seem appropriate. Maybe he was worried about nothing. Kankuro was usually more astute than him about things like this; if he didn’t think anything was going on, perhaps he was right.

[xfilesnews]

FanWorks Wednesdays - crossedbeams

by Keva Andersen

After a short hiatus, we’re back with our author profile series! Meet @crossedbeams. She’s a relative newcomer to the fandom and found her way to The X-Files in a way that’s a little different than most. But despite only meeting Mulder and Scully a short time ago, she’s taken to the characters like an author who’s been with them for years.

Take some time and read through crossedbeams’ collection of “MSR Moments,” a collection of ficlets and prompts that are fun snapshots of Mulder and Scully’s day-to-day life. With a little angst thrown in too, of course. If AU’s are your thing I highly recommend “One Week at Quantico.” The story looks at what might have been had Mulder been teaching at the Academy while Scully was there. Jump in for this line: “But for the sake of argument, quantum physics doesn’t actually rule out time travel” and stay for the rest of the story! And if, like me, you’re looking for a great post-revival kick in the feels check out “Lost Letters.” The story explores how Mulder and Scully deal with Maggie Scully’s death in a world where “Babylon” and “My Struggle II” don’t exist.

We talked with crossedbeams about writing, inspiration, and of course The X-Files.

How long have you been a Phile?

I'm pretty new! I think I watched my first ever episode in November 2015, I completed my first watch through two days before the revival started and I joined the online fandom a year ago! I came at it all kinda backwards... I'm a massive theatre nerd who missed the London run of “Streetcar” (my favourite play) thank to illness, and had never quite gotten over it! The NY show announced summer of 15 and I'd already decided I was going, hell or high water. Then when I was reading about the production it mentioned that “Blanche” was in The Fall, I'd only seen Ep.1 so I got hooked on that, figured I'd see what else Gillian had done, saw The X-Files, I only knew it was one of those cult shows I'd missed thanks to my TV-less childhood and so I figured I'd give it a go... little I knew!

What was your first episode?

The pilot! I'm a completist to a boring level, chronology is my jam (which makes late season mythology suuuper fun!). I think I actually saw the pilot three times before I made it further, once with my sister who wasn't interested, once when I was so tired I couldn't remember what happened and then finally the day I watched most of S1 in one hit. Whoops!

How long have you been writing fic?

According to my blog I posted my first drabble on March 28th, 2016! So almost a year, which seems both way too long (I still feel like a desperate newbie) and not long enough.

What inspired you to start writing?

I've always been a reader, no TV as a kid = loaded bookshelves, my family are wordy, my degree is in English literature and I work with books, so words are my most constant companion. I've always liked to write, the process of catching an idea or a sensation just perfectly in a sentence is on of the most satisfying things I can think of, but while I was at Uni, it was like a switch flicked in my head. I think it was perhaps the first time in my life I was truly unhappy for more than a few hours, and also the first time I didn't have anyone to talk to that I trusted. I became very isolated, shut myself in my room a lot and all the words that used to be my friends where just fighting in my head, angry or sad or whatever, the noise was endless. And on day I just snatched up my laptop and started writing. I don't even remember what, probably some self-pitying explosion of adjectives, and for a little while I felt better. I wrote a lot of poetry, essays and journaled while I was at uni, my only attempt at stories was curtailed by a creative writing tutor who I despised, but in one form or another I've been writing ever since.

Who is your favorite XF character to write?

Originally it was Scully, I tend to gravitate to female voices and hers is the kind of awesome, no-nonsense, bad ass lady voice I wish I had, but lately Mulder has crept in and I honestly enjoy writing both their perspectives equally, though Scully still comes a little more easily. “Quantico” was the first time I feel like I successfully pulled off a split narrative between the two and kept both their characters completely clear. My absolute favourite thing to write though are the bits in between the characters, the omniscient narrator parts where you get to dig into your vocab to try and describe succinctly the emotional impact of a word, or the desperation of their need etc. But that's not really a character so... Scully!

Are there any XF characters you dislike or find too difficult to write?

Besides Mulder and Scully, I've only ever tried to write Maggie, and that was in letter format which is kind of a cheat, so I don't feel like I've necessarily got enough experience to answer this well. I'm pretty good at writing within a brief, so I'm not adverse to writing anyone, I just don't have any ideas for most of them! I suppose Reyes appeals to me the least, just because I don't feel like I ever properly connected to her or understood her true purpose in TXF universe (especially post-revival). I don't dislike her at all, I just don't get her and so likely couldn't do her justice.

Is there a story you're most proud of or that's a favorite?

I think “Quantico” will always be special because it took me by surprise; it was the little request drabble that grew and I am still overwhelmed by people's response to it... but.. “Trinity” is my baby, and also my great shame, because it's been a WIP for way too long and I'm still dithering. I'm proud of it because it's the biggest risk I've taken in my writing; my first proper case file and my first attempt at crossover. Writing Scully, Stella Gibson, and Blanche Dubois into one canon compliant universe is possibly the stupidest idea I have ever run with, but so far it has paid off and the feedback from those prepared to risk it has been phenomenal. I love writing Blanche, Stella fights me and Scully is my safe place but the mental process of characterizing that story, advancing that plot, is the most satisfying, terrifying, exhausting writing I've ever done. And I desperately need to get on with it.

Where can people find your work, and what's the best way to send feedback?

I have a master list that I update regularly on my blog header and I'm also on AO3 as crossedbeams and everything is indexed there too. Feedback can be via tumblr message, comment or ask, AO3 comment or people can email crossedbeamsfic@gmail.com I'm still amazed that people read what I write so any feedback is the cherry on top! I'm also good with constructive criticism, I'm still new and learning after all.

Do you take fic prompts from fans?

Yes, though it can take a while. There are guidelines to what I will/won't write on the Request A Fic tab on my blog, and a disclaimer too! But I'm always open to discuss it.

Have you written your own original characters outside of fandom?

Yes. I have a few unfinished short stories, a couple of finished ones, and in my previous incarnation on tumblr I wrote a pretty long, often terrible, series that covered several generations of a cast of original characters!

Anything you’d like to share about your writing process?

I'm kind of a messy writer. I write mostly in long sittings and the words just come. Most of my favourite drabbles have been written in a single sitting and posted when the last full stop drops. (Hence the typos in early reblogs!) I find this stops me over working the prose and getting too verbose but it does also backfire at times. I find it much harder to write longer form pieces, because my writing is often emotion driven. There was a six week gap between most of “Quantico” and the final two chapters, a four week gap between parts 3 and 4 of “Close”  partly because I put immense pressure on myself to "finish things well" but also because emotionally I couldn't find the right groove. “Quantico” began in a fluffy, happy place where I was optimistic and not in my head, “Close”… I think I was tipsy and had come in from a date! Trying to finish those fics as they deserved to be finished when a week later I was miserable and self-flagellating, or feeling decidedly unsexy felt almost impossible. I often wish my process were more considered and structured, that I could sit and get down a couple hundred words and edit it better later, but my mind just doesn't work that way, and I've learned that I can't force it to.

Do you have a favorite author? (fanfic or published!)

Only about 9000000! Fic wise, @somekindofseizure on tumblr has a gorgeous way with words I envy and aspire to. I could list so many more but I'll only leave people out so I'll just say that if you check my ficrecs tag you'll find so many people, many of whom I'm lucky enough to count as friends, who do so many things so well. Some of them are plot beasts, others ruin me with beautiful language and some are just steam queens.

My favourite print authors are probably Ngugi, John Burnside, LM Montgomery, Roald Dahl, Alice Hoffman and Oscar Wilde.

Is there any advice you'd give to aspiring writers?

Just do it. Keep doing it. Until you've actually scribbled or typed something down it's only ever an idea. Even if you hate it, keep it, try again. You can't get better at something you're not actually doing and thinking your ideas til you're blue in the face doesn't count! Read, learn what you like and don't, be inspired. Keep writing. And don't compare your work to the work of others, you'll never match "their voice" so don't try. Mark yourself against yourself, if you capture something better every time you sit down and write, you're headed the right way. Just do you, do it regularly, ask for help, and keep going!

Anything else you'd like to share that I missed?

I'd just like to say thank you for asking me to participate, I'm still finding my feet in this strange new fandom place and I am so very grateful to you for asking, to all those who read my writing and to everyone who has embraced me and made this such a great year, I've been a fangirl of many things, but it's my first time as part of a family and it's been such a lifeline.

Thank you so much to crossedbeams for talking with us! We’re always looking for authors both new and old favorites, so if you have suggestions please message us here, hit us up on twitter or facebook.

[exoticarmy127]

#GetCreative project:  where readers become writers.

Hey guys! 2016 has passed and it was definitely a very busy year. I finished book 3 in the Dark & Wild series, edited two books, all the while keeping up with my new day job. There was so much going on that the year passed without Switch it Up Week ever gracing this blog. I want to apologize for being unable to hold this event as promised, since this was supposed to be an annual thing. But to make up for it, there will be two Switch it Up events this year! So part 2 will happen in the second half of the year. 

Switch it Up Week 2017: #LSS Edition is the same as our previous event back in 2015. This is basically a reversal of roles where for a whole week, you guys get to be the writers on this blog instead of myself. <3 It’s a great opportunity for scenario blog newbies to promote their works and for everyone to try and dip their toes into writing their own stories. You can check out some of the amazing 2015 submissions HERE.

However, this year’s prompts are not going to be random lines and quotes like that of 2015, which brings me to the sub title: #LSS Edition. 

As you all know, I have a series in this blog called LSS a.k.a. Love Song Series (mobile masterlist). Similar to this story playlist, you would have to write a piece inspired by songs lyrics. 

But before we get to the prompts, let’s get into the mechanics on how you can participate in this event!

Mechanics

This is a fanfiction drabble/scenario game featuring one-shots with a word limit of 4,000 words. Chaptered works or any writings that would exceed the word count would not be acknowledged or re-blogged.

Choose a member from BTS or EXO to feature. Pairings and ships are allowed. You may feature other fandoms (e.g if you want Harry Potter to make a cameo in your story, why not?) but BTS/EXO must be the main characters. 

Choose only one of the prompts from the list. I will not require lyrics to appear in your stories for you can interpret the whole song (though it would be nice if you guys focus on the lyrics provided) but if you want to challenge yourselves, by all means go ahead. 

Make sure to include the prompt in your post, highlight it in BOLD, and then put the word count before the story begins.

Any genre is accepted. If you will be writing smut or themes of violence, sexuality, language use/profanities, and any form of abuse, please put warnings/triggers so that readers would be informed.

To submit your works, simply make a post and tag me:(@exoticarmy127) This is IMPORTANT for I will be looking at my notifications and browsing through my username tag, so you need to tag me so I would be able to reblog your works.

Switch it Up Week is from February 01 - 10 2017. Submissions would be posted simultaneously, so in the next few days, be ready to see stories on my blog dash… written by YOU. ;)

HAVE FUN AND GET CREATIVE!!! Keep in mind: the first idea that comes to your mind once you see a certain prompt is your best idea. But think again and that just might be your greatest idea.

Lastly, read the mechanics again and make sure all rules are followed. For questions, don’t hesitate to ask! I’ll answer them as soon as I can. :)

Requirements

Stories must have titles.

Author’s name should be written at the end of the story, with a link to your personal/scenario blog (consider this a reference for readers who would want to read more of your works. If you have a masterlist page, this is the place to link it to.).

At the beginning of your story, write the word count, main characters, triggers/warnings (if any), and that this is an entry for exoticarmy127’s Switch it Up Week 2017 (This is for tagging purposes :P) and put in a link to this post so others will be informed and they may want to join too.

REBLOG THIS POST if joining (or just help me promote the event! The more the merrier, right?)

Some final notes: this is not a contest and is created for the enjoyment of readers and writers on this site. I believe each piece is a work of art and should be appreciated. If you like a story, reblog it and give the author your comments! They’re going to love that. Rest assured that all the stories I will reblog will have notes from me. I’ll be your first reader, after all. haha! Though please be patient. I can only read and reblog so much and I need to comment on each story but yes, I will read all of them. 

Are you ready for the prompts? Without further ado, here’s the playlist!

*I’ve included the song titles and its artist so you guys could look it up and listen. <3

“Once I was seven years old…” (7 Years by Lucas Graham)

“I like being submerged in your contradictions…” (Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz)

“Bittersweet and strange, finding you can change, learning you were wrong.” (Beauty and the Beast from Disney)

“Take these broken wings and learn to fly.” (Blackbird by The Beatles)

“I don’t care what they say, I’m in love with you.” (Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis)

“This love is another name for the devil.” (Boy Meets Evil by BTS)

“Is this the start of something wonderful or one more dream that I cannot make true?” (City of Stars from La La Land OST)

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” (Closing Time by Semisonic)

“She acts like summer and walks like rain, reminds me that there’s a time to change.” (Drops of Jupiter by Train)

“I’ll spend forever wonderin’ if you knew, I was enchanted to me you.” (Enchanted by Taylor Swift)

“All I know at the end of the day is you love who you love, there ain’t no other way. If there’s something I’ve learnt from a million mistakes, you’re the one that I want at the end of the day!” (End of the Day by One Direction)

“Even if I’m born again, I can’t be with anyone but you.” (For Life by EXO)

“Someone comes into your life, it’s like they’ve been in your life forever.” (Heart by Heart by Demi Lovato)

“You’ll never know the psychopath sitting next to you. You’ll never know the murderer sitting next to you. You’ll think, “How’d I get here, sitting next to you?” (Heathens by 21 pilots)

“People talk about the guy who’s waiting on a girl. There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world.” (Man Who Can’t Be Moved by The Script)

“Cause I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.” (Need You Now by Lady Antebellum)

“Loving him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street. Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ended so suddenly.” (Red by Taylor Swift)

“And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart.” (Scars to Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara)

“Why can’t you hold me in the street? Why can’t I kiss you on the dance floor?” (Secret Love Song by Little Mix)

“Hello from the other side. I must’ve called a thousand times.” (Hello by Adele)

“He was always there to help her, she always belonged to someone else.” (She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5)

“If you’re gonna be somebody’s heartbreak, if you’re gonna be somebody’s mistake. If you’re gonna be somebody’s first time, somebody’s last time… baby be mine.” (Somebody’s Heartbreak by Hunter Hayes)

“We had the right love at the wrong time.” (Somewhere Down the Road by Barry Manilow)

“Summer after high school when we first met…” (The One That Got Away by Katy Perry)

“I overdosed. Should’ve known your love was a game, now I can’t get you out of my brain. Oh, it’s such a shame.” (We Don’t Talk Anymore by Charlie Puth feat. Selena Gomez)

And there you have it! Some of these songs were suggested while some I took from my personal favorites and from putting my playlists on shuffle. They’re really great songs and each line can have a million different meanings. So knock yourselves out and build stories around them!

I’ve given you guys a few days to write and prepare before I officially start re-blogigng. Yes, you can submit more than one story but please use only one prompt per submission. For questions, just drop me a message.

Thank you and have fun!

- Kaye Allen

[bellabooks]

What to do when your partner isn’t a fangirl (like you)

I love my wife. I had a crush on her for 10 years before I finally had both the opportunity and nerve to ask her out. We have been married for a year and a half. My lady has the bravery of Nicole Haught, the thirst for new experiences of Waverly Earp, the intelligence of Alex Danvers, and the intuition of Maggie Sawyer. Superficially, she is also as breathtakingly gorgeous as all of them. The problem? She doesn’t know what any of that means. To be fair, when we got married, she didn’t know she was marrying a fangirl of this magnitude. I had always been a pretty big Star Wars and Buffy fan, but never to the point of actual, you know, participation. A few months before our first anniversary, she agreed to attend FanExpo with me because I had started watching Wynonna Earp and wanted to meet the cast/creator. We headed back home on Labor Day, me with new friends, an amazing story of meeting Emily Andras, and a recommendation of a new show (Carmilla) to watch; she with the realization that I had found a new obsession. I have tried to get her to watch Wynonna Earp with no success. She knows the general gist of the show (blah blah, Peacemaker, WayHaught, Doc Holliday, blah blah), but even if she watched it, I know she wouldn’t get the same things out of it, just like I don’t have the same burning desire and love for travel that she has. Like, it’s a good time, but it’s not something that connects with me spiritually…like TV does. Monica with Wynonna Earp showrunner, Emily Andras But this way, we get experiences that we wouldn’t get otherwise. I have tried crocheting for the third time (my grandmother would be so proud!), and it seems to be sticking more than it did before. Also, I’ve traveled more in the last 5 ½ years than I did in the previous 34 years of my life put together. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing Germany, Spain, Austria, Switzerland, and from Los Angeles to San Francisco. Because of me, she got to experience the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, visit her first (and soon second!) con, tour Toronto Island, have a free place to stay in San Francisco because of a blogging friend, see a really great Yoda statue, and enjoy our kitchen outfitted with the best Star Wars accoutrements possible. We have both met amazing people through our travel and fangirling. I, like probably many of you, am having a rough time in this world we live in these days. Finding like-minded people and spending time with them is worth more than either of us could put a price on. Does she wish I was as into travel as her? Absolutely. Do I wish she wanted to base our vacations off of where my favorite show casts were going to be? Definitely. But neither of those things will ever happen. And that’s okay. Here are some tips from me to you if your partner is not the same level of obsessed as you are. Be their biggest fangirl. Pay attention. Be supportive. Be an active listener. My wife is currently trying to change her career path, and it’s not something that I myself would be interested in doing (we currently work for the same company). But I listen, I suggest, I support. Put your damn phone down. This is one of my biggest flaws, and I know she would agree with that. I have been known to simultaneously carry on several different conversations with various groups of my online friends (friends I have met in person one or zero times), so in my attempt to be actively involved in those, I am often hunched over, typing away. Those conversations will wait, and so will everything else. Your partner shouldn’t have to. Compromise. Why, yes, we are going to ClexaCon in Vegas to celebrate my birthday. (Don’t know what ClexaCon is? Officially, it’s “A Media & Entertainment Convention for LGBTQ Women and Allies.” Unofficially? A queer-lady nerd convention.) But we’re spending some extra days there to see the Grand Canyon, Hoover Dam, and whatever else my wife wants to see. And I agreed to a vacation this fall in Iceland, her current bucket-list trip. It’s possible it may not happen, but I’m committed to doing what I can to make it so. Take their suggestions. One of my wife’s complaints is that I would take my “Twitter friends’” recommendations on what to watch, read, and see, but I wouldn’t take hers. Point taken. Sure, my imaginary friends and I have very similar tastes, but, despite her questionable taste in women, my wife also has good taste. So even though I don’t have the same connection to X-Files as she does, well, I’ll keep trying…after I finish Person of Interest. After all, she did watch Buffy for me. Find something to fangirl over together. In our house, it’s This Is Us, The Fall, and Sherlock. All three are excellent shows that I enjoy watching, and we love watching them together. It’s okay that I don’t feel as connected to those shows as I do to others, but we watch together and we cry together. At This Is Us. Well, I cry. And I tweet. And it’s okay. Also, Harry Potter. Don’t take their refusal to enter your fandom personally. This one has been hard for me. For the longest time, I begged my wife to watch Wynonna Earp. Begged. And she refused. She attended FanExpo with me and took my pictures with various cast members — hell, she even approached Dom and asked her to take a picture with me, as I was too…something (shy? Nervous? Introverted? Just…Monica?) to take the initiative myself. But she refused to watch the show. Maybe she’ll watch it someday. Maybe she’ll finish Carmilla someday. But even if she doesn’t, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me, and it doesn’t mean that she thinks my fandoms are stupid. They don’t think you or your fandoms are stupid. They don’t. They love you. You are valid, and so are your opinions. Calm down.   At the end of the day, here’s what I need to remember. We do love different things, but most importantly, we love each other. And even if she won’t fangirl over Wynonna Earp or Supergirl, she fangirls over me, and I need to remember to do the same for her…probably on that trip to Iceland, because I owe her after what I’m sure is going to be an epic week in Vegas. We always have a great time when we travel.   http://dlvr.it/NKvGl3

[stellahibernis]

Writing life

I haven’t done regular writing updates in a long while, so here’s a bit more comprehensive one just because. Mostly about writing (it’s been an unusual half a year for me), and something about life in general and the half a year of relatively minor but continuous health challenges, which are a big reason why the writing has been what it has, albeit not all of it.

When it comes to writing, I’ve been much less productive than in previous years. Mostly due to lack of energy (due to the aforementioned health problems), but I’ve also had something of an inspiration problem. Good news for me is that the inspiration problem seems to be dealt with (although possibly less good for my regular readers, since it comes with branching to new fandoms even though I’m not dropping MCU), now I need to rebuild the writing habit that suffered during the spring. I’m on summer vacation now, and will hopefully get a good amount done.

(Rest behind a cut since I got characteristically wordy)

The first weeks of the year were pretty much business as usual, including that I finally wrote the Captain Marvel fic, A New Year, that I’d been mulling over for a while, but never got done until then.

At the beginning of the year my company moved to a new office, and after a while it became obvious there was something there that caused an allergic reaction in me. It wasn’t great, but we managed it best as we could (including working partly from home and at the office I sat at least part time in one of the smaller rooms, which worked better than the open space where our desks are). It was doable, but left me with considerably less energy than usual after the work days, which obviously affected my writing.

The first few months of this year my writing efforts were mostly spent on love’s not controlled by the weather, which was a funny process, because I like the story and was inspired to work on it, but it didn’t quite feel like that because of the general fatigue going on. The whole time there was this weird disconnect between what I thought of it and the general feeling about the process. I’m happy with the end result, and also that I managed to post it when it was still early spring (it being a winter romance, sure would have been ironic to post in June, for example :D).

Anyway, starting from March, I’ve obviously been living in the same limbo as everyone else. Since March 10th, I’ve been at the office exactly once, otherwise working remotely (for reference, I live in Finland where things never got completely out of hand). I’m one of the really lucky ones who can do so relatively easily and our company was very good about it. We had a policy that we can work remotely or come to office (and rules on how to be careful if you do), but since my getting there involves public transport and I have less than great lungs due to late diagnosed celiac disease that manifested mostly as respiratory problems (hence the difficulty in diagnosis, it’s gotten better since my diet was fixed), I’ve stayed at home as much as possible.

Turns out, I most likely had the virus in March (it was very, very mild so I never got tested or even saw a doctor for it). At the time it felt like a somewhat weird cold with fatigue and indigestion, but in retrospect it was probably Covid, the biggest giveaway being that once spring came and I got more active, I noticed my lung capacity is dismal these days. It’s in fact worse now than after the bronchitis I had in my early adulthood that lasted a whole winter, and I was nowhere near that sick this year. So that’s what I’m dealing with now, although I’m getting back to my regular energy levels, just need to take it easy when walking up the hill, for example.

Unsurprisingly the general fatigue affected my writing, and I went literally the whole of April without writing a single word. The bright side was that I managed to actually deal with it in a constructive way, and gave myself permission to not even try if I couldn’t which took away much of the mental load, and probably helped me get back to it in May.

The non-writing April was also a big reason why I decided not to take part in a big bang this year. I’ve had a good time (and been extremely happy with the results) over the last couple of years I’ve participated, but at the sign up time I had no idea what I should write or if I even could get back to writing any time soon, so I decided it was better not to force it.

In May I started to feel much more inspired again (also healthier, it’s amazing what a little additional energy does for your creative drive), and at first it manifested in the form of a bunch of new ideas. My idea list is even more terrifyingly long than usual at this point, although I know realistically not all of them will get written, not even all of those for which I have more than a vague idea. I think I have about 30k of one story written that won’t be finished. Some of the themes have and will be translated into other stories (including a current WIP which definitely will get finished), and the rest of it was good practice, so no regrets even though it’ll stay in the unfinished limbo.

Before the writing break I started a Stucky fic, and it was the one I came back to in May when I started writing again, albeit slowly, in fits and starts. Over the last handful of years I’ve developed a pretty good writing habit, but apparently a month long complete break during an otherwise challenging year does a lot of damage to it, and I’m still getting back to it. Slowly but surely, and I’ve adjusted some of my process starting early this year, because focusing for longer periods doesn’t work as well as it used to. Nowadays I write more in short bursts here and there rather than all at once, but the daily word counts are getting to the similar level, which I’m very happy with.

The aforementioned Stucky fic (which still has no title, the constant struggle to come up with those!) is about two thirds done, and it’s mentally in the category “would like to post it in July” even though it has had a couple of big breaks, first the non-writing break and then my very sudden detour to other fandoms. Steve and Bucky are currently hanging at the beach with some unresolved issues, so I should get back to it :D

Generally this year I’ve had several instances where I might have branched toward other fandoms than MCU, which is quite a big indicator that the focus of my interest is definitely on the move (the laser focus of over five years is pretty unusual, tbh). I still have a lot of ideas for it and will keep writing them, but I’ll also write other stuff.

First potential branching out, one that didn’t produce anything concrete and probably won’t in anywhere near future (for the pretty obvious “creator being a despicable human being” related reasons) was to finally write the post canon HP fic I’ve been toying with every now and then ever since Deathly Hallows was released. I considered starting it early this year, but never got there (although I have a rough idea what the story would be like, if I were to write it), and now I’m again soured even at the thought of it.

Second branch, again nothing concrete has materialized yet, mostly because it came to me during April, is a Kingdom Hearts fic set post game three. I used my low energy time in getting to know what happened in KH3 and I have mixed feelings but also there was a hook that would turn into a pretty interesting story. This is in my idea pile, in the very back burner currently, but a lot more likely to get written at some point (probably not in 2020, though).

Third branch, I’ve been meaning to write a fic in the Wicked + the Divine canon, and actually started one in winter, but then I got sick. It should be a short one, so I’ll get to finishing it one of these days (tentatively places it also in the “would like to post it in July” category, but it’s the last one in that pile).

Fourth branch, which actually produced a finished story, and not only that, it was the easiest, most joyful writing process of the year (so far! Hopefully more to come), was that I got reminded of Susan Cooper’s Dark Is Rising books, read all of them over a couple of weeks, and got hit by a major case of feels. Hence Light from the Lost happened.

And the fifth branch started from where I finally watched the Untamed, promptly fell deep in that hole and now the muse is terrifyingly bountiful and demands I write all the things (I have no less than eight fic ideas already!) The one currently at works is just condensed pain when it comes to rewatching scenes for research :D

Also I have a terrible tv show hangover from it, which is very inconvenient since I want to watch the last season of Dark but just can’t invest myself into it right now.

So that’s what’s been going on for me, the current plan in life is to enjoy the vacation, get less stressed, and hopefully healthier. Writing plan for immediate future is:

Finish, edit, and post the Untamed fic on top of that queue, and hope that the muse allows me to work on other stuff after that

Finish, edit, and post the Stucky WIP, preferably in July

Decide what to write for the traditional end of year fic (look at me planning ahead!)

This has been over 1700 words of writing about writing fic, so maybe I should get to that now. On the other hand, writing this definitely helps me in building the regular writing habit, so we’ll count it as a win.

[capandruby]

happy endings 2/?

Actually, my story begins a few months before his wife died. 

I was standing in line behind what looked like at least 50 other people - just in this line, not counting the lines on either side of this one - and I was bouncing in between anxiety, nervousness, and excitement. When it was my turn at the front of the line, I’d go into a makeshift tent and I would get to meet the actor responsible for my latest obsession, a well known character on a popular TV show that had just finished its final season. 

I’d come into this obsession late. For a show that had obviously run a 7-year reign on cable television, I’d really missed the boat. My best friend had been telling me to watch the show for a couple of years -- it had lived in my Netflix queue at least that long. One Friday night, with nothing to do and my interest level in doing anything were at an all-time low, I clicked on the show just to give my brain something to do.

I wasn’t even hooked in the first few episodes. It took probably half of the first season for me to really want to continue to watch it, and even then I probably didn’t pay a lot of attention to those episodes. Enter season 2 and my reason for this long line -- Kieran. The actor who played the villain-turned-eventual-good-guy. Each episode made me fall deeper into his character and root for him to succeed in his happy ending. 

Though I’m no stranger to fandom obsessions (Doctor Who, Marvel, Gilmore Girls, anyone?), this was the first time I have been so absolutely invested in a character. His hurts made me cry real, chest-heaving sobs. His triumphs left me satisfied. I wanted his character to be real, and I was real-life jealous of the show girlfriend and their relationship. I wanted my own real-life person just like that to love me just like he did on the show. 

The obsession with this character was real and fast. It didn’t help that I was in a weird point in my life, where I was facing the big 3-0 in a few months with no real accomplishments to my credit. Sure, I had risen to an assistant director position within my department, but work didn’t leave me fulfilled in any way. I had a few close friends, but they lived in different states and cities, and most of our communications took place over group chats, Facebook messenger, and Snapchat. They were all married and had been for years, with some of them starting a family. I hadn’t seen my best friend from high school, who I regularly stayed in touch with all through college even though we were in separate states, but once since she had gotten married. Everyone had couple friends and even babies and I was all alone. Most of my free time was spent browsing the Internet lives of my friends from my phone, or immersing myself in other people’s stories by reading or watching TV shows. I had reached an impossible weight - 40 pounds heavier than I had been just 3 years earlier. It was a time of self doubt and impossibilities, and everything felt too hard - participating in life was too hard. I knew that there had to be something more than the sad existence I was living. 

Watching Kieran act, though, as this character, gave me some hope. I was browsing the show on google when I discovered that they were doing a farewell convention tour with the actors in a few different cities across North America, and there was just two cities left. The closest one was 15 hours from my home, but I saw it as a sign. I was inspired. I might never have an equal to that character in my life. I might never have a happy ending. But I won’t ever know unless I try. So I decided to buy a ticket to the con and change my life at the same time.

The first Monday after finding out about the con, I signed up for a gym membership. Step 1 in remembering how to love myself - start feeling like myself again. I’d gone to the gym for 45 minutes to an hour several times a week - not doing anything major, just using the treadmill and a couple of weight machines to help myself out. I altered my diet to include less takeaway and more home cooked meals with healthier choices. I cut out sweets and drank more water. Slowly I began to lose some of the weight I had gained and feel better about myself as my old clothes began to fit again.

I finally got over my fear of pain and needles and went to get a tattoo I’d been thinking about for almost 10 years - a lightning bolt on my left arm. It reminded me to stay true to myself. I started planning a trip to Ireland, a dream I’d had since at least high school. I always told myself I’d go; perhaps with friends from college after we saved up some money and vacation time from our first big-girl jobs, perhaps with my brother during a summer vacation. Then, as my friends got married and started families and my brother joined the military and moved away, my dreams changed to maybe going as my honeymoon trip. But the years kept moving and I was almost 30 with no husband in sight and a trip still  not taken. 

It was time to stop waiting and start living.

That’s what Kieran did for me.

I was here to tell him thank you, and to satisfy my fangirl heart by getting a quick 30 seconds captured forever by a professional photographer - enter present day, the reason why I was standing in a long line.

I had already spent a significant amount of money to get to this point in the day. The con was show-specific, and sold different levels of “experiences” for different amounts of money. Since this was my birthday present to myself, I rewarded myself with a Tier 2 ticket package that cost over $200. My plane ticket to get here was $150, and the rental car from the airport another $200. I hadn’t counted how much I’d spent in souvenirs, but this photo op was another $100. It was an expensive weekend, but one I thought I’d earned. 

I’d come alone, for all of the same reasons mentioned above. But at least at cons, you’re united with everyone else there for the biggest reason of loving the same thing, the same people, the same fictional world. It’s easy to talk to strangers in lines and panels when you’re all there for the same reason. 

That’s why I didn’t think it was strange when the girl who was walking down the line toward me stopped and said hello. She looked about my age and was very pretty - noticeably pretty - with long strawberry blonde hair in soft waves and big green eyes. She wasn’t wearing any fandom merch, but she was wearing a different colored badge indicating the highest level of ticket experience. 

“Hi,” she said, in a softly accented voice. “I’m Brigid. Are you here to see Kieran?” 

“Hey, I’m Anna. Yeah, I’m here to see Kieran. Actually, I’m here only to see Kieran. The rest is really just a bonus.”

“Really. I always like to ask, what is it you love about Kieran?” she asked me.

I looked at her, thinking about what to say. “Honestly? I fell in love with his character. I don’t know much about him personally. I just wanted a chance to meet him and say thank you. He played a part in changing my life.”

She lifted an eyebrow in skepticism. I watched her mull over my response. She looked so familiar to me, but I couldn’t place her. Maybe she had sat near me in a panel earlier today? Maybe she was a vendor and I had purchased something from her earlier -- that would explain the different colored badge. 

“He changed your life? How is that possible if you’ve never even met him?”

I sighed. “It’s not that he personally did anything, I guess. It’s kind of hard to explain. Watching his character turn from a villain into a good person, someone who would do absolutely everything in his power to protect the one he loves...how he still struggled with believing that he was good enough to deserve love and get a happy ending. That really resonated with me in a time in my life where I was struggling with myself and my worth. His journey reminded me that I may not get a happy ending. I may never find my own true love. But I can’t wait for life to start. I’m 30 years old. Life is moving on without me. I have to stop waiting and start living. That’s what I mean when I say he changed my life. With his character, his acting - that was him, even if it was in just a small way. I’d like to say thank you.”

She smiled. “I can understand that. Hey, come with me for a second.” She reached out and touched my arm, then turned and started walking away.

“Wait! I can’t leave the line or I’ll miss my picture time!” I called after her.

She turned back to me. “Trust me, I can get you back in line in a bit. You should come check this out first. There will be plenty of time for pictures later; I’ve got a badge that will get you back in. You won’t miss your spot if you keep up with your picture ticket.” She said, starting to walk again. 

Stop waiting, start living, I told myself, stepping out of line and following her. 

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