#I had this exact interaction with a girl friend soon after I came out lol. I had always been self conscious about my rosacea

[cherrycharai]

I lovvvee this little comic from Ryoko Kui 's Daydream Hours ♡. I would read a whole slice of life manga about Falin and Marcille's time together at the magic academy (⁠´⁠ε⁠｀⁠ ⁠)

[thatoneitaliangirl]

Oh my gosh could you write a childe x reader thing 🥺🥺 I wanna just have some sweet angst with a happy outcome somehow 😔

I may have gone a bit overboard- At this point, I feel I'm literally incapable of writing anything under 1,000 words. So sorry this took so long, I had to take a break from writing to work out some things with school. A bunch of nonsense and stuff lol. You didn't specify gender, so I wrote the reader as female, only cause that's what I'm used to working with. I apologize if that's not what you wanted. I can always whip up something for ya with your preferred pronouns! But I'm not sure if I'll make it this long . . . I honestly don't know how I even did this, like this is a feat I feel. Anyways, I hope Childe isn't too OOC in this. I'm not the best when it comes to writing angst, so I hope you like it! And just as a little explanation beforehand, I read up that Childe joined the Fatui when he was about 14, became a Harbinger at 18, and is considered a young adult. So in this fic, it's assumed that he and you are at least 20 years old just so the timeline adds up and stuff. Also, despite how long this is, Childe isn't in it as much as you probably wanted- I have a tendency to write more about the reader than the characters. It's something I'm trying to break, but I was just so proud of this. I hope you like it! Anyways, happy reading!!! ^^

Childe x Reader Angst

Plot- Reader and Childe have been together for years when Reader finds out that Childe killed her sister when she was young.

Word count- 8,864 (I'm so sorry)

Warnings- Mentions of death, sadness, bad writing, possible suicide at the end(But just mentioned as a fear), swearing, and cringe 'funny' moments cause why not.

The wind blows through your hair as you sit atop a ledge overlooking Liyue Harbor. Today is your younger sister's birthday, and for the past six years, it's been nothing but a reminder of your failure. You were supposed to take care of her. After your parents passed away, you were all she had left, and she, you. But you were just a kid yourself, hardly capable of raising a child.

You bite your lip and look over at all the families walking about, having fun. It brings a smile to your face knowing at least some people can be happy on this day. She wouldn't have wanted doom and gloom to be her only remembrance. The sun in the sky is warm, beaming down on your skin. You've fought many battles for the Adventurers Guild during your time living in town, and are proud to say you've survived. Even escaped a few sparring matches with Childe relatively unscathed.

You win every time, but it's no surprise given he lets you win. That's one of the many things you love about him. He tries to put you first in most situations as much as he can with his job. And it's the little things like letting you win a fake fight that makes you feel like you're floating.

Your relationship is practically plastered on every notice board in town with how affectionate you are to each other. Not a soul in Liyue can look at you and not know you are the Harbinger's lover. But you're okay with that.

Taking in a calm breath, you hop down and glide your way to the docks below.

"Good morning, _____! Nice weather, isn't it?" You smile at the young girl as she approaches you. You've known her for a while now, and have come to consider yourself friends. She seems a bit nervous though.

"It certainly is. Are you okay, Chen?" Her smile drops and she grips onto her arms.

"Can I ask a favor of you? It's rude of me, but I'm desperate!"

"It's fine, what's the matter?" The young girl sighs.

"My brother borrowed a loan from Northland Bank last month and the payments were due two days ago. He told me he was going to pay it back . . . He hasn't been home since. I just thought that . . ."

"You want me to ask Tar?" Her eyes snap up to yours.

"Will you? Please? I'm just so worried about him! I told him not to take that loan, but he never listens to me." You put your hand on her shoulder to calm her down.

"It's okay. It's no problem at all! I was just headed there anyway. I'll see about your brother for you." Young Chen sighs in relief and reaches in her pocket.

"Here, I want you to take this as payment." You shake your head and push her hand away.

"No, I could never!"

"I insist! My mother gave this to me when I was a kid," She opens your hand and places a small coin in before closing your hand around it.

"She told me travelers would give these coins to people who did favors for them and that they grant wishes! Though I'm sure that's just a children's story; I was never able to get it to work." You give the coin a look, hesitant, before slipping it into your pocket.

"Alright, I'll accept. Thank you!" You wave goodbye to Chen and head towards the bank. Childe spends most of his days there, what he does, you have no idea. It's a mystery. The most you get out of him is 'business' which, yeah, obviously you do business. But it's understandable. The Fatui are a questionable lot, and not many people in Liyue trust them.

The Qixing keep a close eye on them as well, though you're sure even they hardly know what goes down under the 'bank' façade. Sometimes Childe comes home with cuts and bruises, claiming they're from training with his comrades, and while you don't buy that one bit, you play along. No need to add to his stress. If he thought you needed to know, he would tell you. No doubt about it.

Walking up the many flights of stairs, you nod to Vlad who lets you in.

Lucky for you, the first face your eyes land on is the exact one you came looking for.

"Tar!" He immediately looks over in your direction, smiles, and dismisses the Fatui agent he was talking to.

"Well, if it isn't the most beautiful woman in all Teyvat. Come to steal my heart?" He pulls you into a hug and kisses your cheek.

"No need, I already have it," You pull away, giving him a smile.

"I actually came here to see you."

"I'd hope so! Who else would you want to see?" Rolling your eyes, you grab him by his hand and lead him to his office.

"I have a favor to ask of you," The joking atmosphere surrounding you turns heavy as you hold his hands in yours.

"As you know, today is . . . Very important to me. I was wondering if you could get off early tonight? If not, it's okay though. I don't want to trouble you or anything." Childe chuckles and pats your head.

"I know what today is. I already requested an early leave this morning, but they haven't gotten back to me yet. If we're that backed up, I'm not sure I'll be able to," Your face falls a bit, but you smile. He made the effort to try and get off early without you even asking.

He places his hand onto your face and rubs his thumb over your cheek.

"But I promise to make it up to you. If I don't get back too late, we can go up to Mt. Tianheng and watch the lights at night. I know you like to do that when you're upset." The kind smile on his face is only magnified by the gentle look in his eyes. He's always been soft with you, even before you got together.

It was always an odd sight for people to see the two of you interact before you were a couple. He always regards people with the same jokester attitude, especially those he has to keep an eye on. But when he's with you, he may joke around, but is always much more concerned for your wellbeing.

"Thank you, Tar. I really appreciate it." He smirks and laughs.

"You appreciate it, huh? How much?" You roll your eyes again and give him a kiss on the lips. Childe smiles into it and tries to make it deeper, but you pull away with his lips chasing after you.

"Easy there, tiger. Save it for later, huh?"

"So, there's a later?" You lightly smack his chest and pull away from him as he laughs.

"Get back to work, Tar." You turn to leave but stop in the doorway.

"Oh, before I forget, I ran into Chen earlier," The look in Childe's eyes shifts slightly, but you barely notice.

"She mentioned that her brother stopped by here about two days ago, and was wondering if you knew where he went after? He hasn't been home since and she's very worried."

He ponders for a moment before his eyes light up in realization.

"Now that you mention it, he did say he was headed towards Lingju Pass. Don't know what for though." He shrugs.

"Okay, thank you! I'll be sure to pass it on." You exchange words of love before you leave.

After speaking with Chen, you decided to head towards the countryside. Your conversation with her went about as well as you expected. She seemed distressed and unsure of the information you gave her, but any criticisms were held as she thanked you and left. You hope that she'll be okay and that her brother comes back. Archons know, you understand what it's like to lose a sibling.

You take in a deep breath.

The air in Liyue is unlike any other. Once you leave the city and all the warm bodies, it's nothing but gentle breezes and the smell of earth. And the occasional Hilichurl, but you can easily take out a few to preserve the peace.

Walking along a random path in the sand, you reflect.

When you and your sister were young, you would often take walks like these while your parents were arguing. Despite only being a few years older than her, you actively chose to take on a more nurturing role. But after your parents died, you realized just how hard it was to provide for the two of you.

You knew how to use a bow to hunt, but not well, and even though you had your mother's catalyst, you didn't have a vision. Sometimes just showing it off and pretending you had a vision was enough to scare off petty thieves and weak Hilichurls, but it was only a matter of time before that wouldn't be enough.

Unfortunately, that time came all too soon.

The two of you had found an abandoned campsite and you decided to rest for the night. Your sister and you were headed to Mondstadt in search of a distant relative who you believed could help you. But during the night, your sister got thirsty and you were all out of water in your canteen. So you heading out to find a lake close by to fetch some, only to return to see a dark figure escaping into the night and your sister, laying in the tent, unmoving.

You were only a few hours walk to the city.

Sometimes you wonder if you had kept going that night, maybe whoever it was would have never even crossed your path. Your cries for help were heard by knights close by and they gathered your sister. Everyone in the city was welcoming and understanding, and the church gave her a wonderful service.

But nothing could mend the hole in your heart. Thankfully, the family member was able to take you in and trained you to become a knight. But that's not what you wanted. You wanted to find the person who killed your sister. And after completing your training, you left for Liyue and gained your Cryo vision along the way.

You summon your catalyst and flip through the pages. It's strange how magic works and how everything interacts with your vision. Before you, this weapon served your pyro vision-wielding mother. After you gained your vision, all the spells changed to fit the cold rather than the heat. You sigh and close the book. Sifting through it is just going to make you more sentimental. The sky above begins to turn shades of orange and pink as the sun goes down, so you decide to head home.

"I know you did something!" A loud voice yells, not too far from you.

"Chen?" You whisper to yourself and make your way around to see her at the edge of town, yelling at a Fatui agent.

"Calm down, miss Chen. We don't know what you are referring to." She balls her hands into fists, her face twisted in anger.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about! Lingju Pass? He hasn't set foot there since our father died. How dare you make up such lies!" You decide to make your way over to try and calm her down. She's obviously upset, and you know that Fatui agents aren't well versed in the ways of 'feelings.' In fact, most of the ones you've met have all been quite stoic and unconcerned.

"Are you calling the Fatui liars, miss Chen?" You stop, Childe stepping out in front of the other agent.

What is Childe doing out here?

"You Fatui lie about everything! Everyone in Liyue despises your presence here, and this just proves to me how low you people actually are. What did you do to my brother?!" She reaches up to hit Childe, and you run up to her and grab her by her arms. You know she can't hurt him, but if she tries she could get into some serious trouble.

"Chen, listen to me, you have to calm down." She looks up at you with tears streaming down her face but shakes off your grip.

"No! I refuse! He knows something about my brother, I know he does!" She looks at you with pleading eyes.

"Please, _____, tell him. Tell him to tell me where my brother is!" Chen sobs. Tears start to form in your eyes.

"Chen, I'm sorry, but Tartaglia doesn't know," You look up at Childe and are taken aback by the look in his eyes. His eyes are dead, angry, violent as he stares at Chen. He waves his hand, and two Fatui agents come from behind and drag Chen away.

"Let go of me!" She struggles as they hold her arms and pull her through the dirt path. Chen glairs at Childe, digging her feet into the ground to slow them down.

"You're a monster, Harbinger! A monster!" You continue to stare after her as she's dragged away. What just happened? You've known Chen and her brother since you moved here. What could have happened to make this poor girl act like this? You jump when Childe places his hand on your shoulder.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." He wipes the tears from your cheeks and smiles his normal, dashing smile. Nothing like the look he was giving Chen just a moment ago.

"Sometimes those awful rumors spreading about the Fatui make people act irrationally." You look him in the eyes as he holds your face. His eyes are soft and caring now, just how he always looks at you.

"Do you know what happened to her brother?" You ask softly. His eyes darken a bit, but his smile never faults.

"_____, my love, are you questioning me now too? Come on, you know none of that stuff is true, right? I work at a bank, not much else to it." He answers, his voice joking, but there's this undertone you can't quite place and have never heard before. You force a smile and hug him close.

"Your right, I'm sorry for asking. I'm just so concerned for Chen and her brother. Do you know where they're taking her?" He hugs you back, tight, and kisses your forehead.

"I think you should just leave it be for now. Go home and get some rest. I should be getting off work soon, and we can do what I promised. How's that sound?"

"Good." You lean up and give him a kiss. His voice drops low as he whispers in your ear.

"I love you, _____. Don't ever forget that."

And he leaves before you can reply. A chill goes down your spine as you watch him leave, and it's not from your vision. You've never seen Childe like that before, even when he interacts with the Traveler. It made you freeze in place, made your blood run cold, and had your heart beating faster with fear all at the same time. That was Harbinger Childe, not your Tartaglia. You rub your hands along your upper arms to calm yourself. You never want to experience that again.

Taking a deep breath, you reach into your pocket to grab your handkerchief, but pull out the coin Chen had given you instead. All it does is remind you that once again you failed to protect someone you cared about. Poor Chen is scared and afraid, and you're positive that Childe's reaction did not help her any.

But as you hold up the coin, you notice a faint glow emanating from around the outer edge which turns the intricate patterns into Liyuian Characters.

'Let the truth be revealed.'

What does this mean? You remember Chen telling you the story of the coin, but it was just that. You've never heard of any coins gifted by travelers before, and it definitely wasn't a common folk tale.

You shove it back into your pocket and rush home.

The sun is almost fully down, and the stars begin to light your way as you walk hastily down the path. Once your house is in sight, you pick up the pace and run inside.

The glow from the coin is brighter now, illuminating your darkening house. How does one even make a wish on a coin?

"I want to see the truth, but I don't know how," The glow of the coin shifts and changes colors in your hands, giving off an almost mystical wave of magic you've never felt before. Whoever made this coin had to have been powerful. You take a deep breath and look at the coin with determination.

"Show me the truth!" The glow envelopes you and when you open your eyes, you're shocked at what lays before you. The dark figure that haunts your dreams at night looms over your dead sister, red-stained blade in hand and a mask over his face.

You step closer, the classic mask of the fatui on the hooded mans' face making his eyes glow white in the darkness. His stature is much smaller than yours, and his outline seems to be that of a boy. At the time it would have been easy for you to confuse him with a man, being he would have been taller than you. But now that you're an adult, you can clearly see his youth. He smirks and laughs down at your little sister's body while whipping the knife on his sleeve.

"You should never have crossed the Fatui." Your heart drops as the young boy removes his mask revealing ocean blue eyes. The eyes of your lover that you adore on the face of the person that you've despised for years. A woman appears next to him, the same woman you've seen him speak to on many occasions but have never spoken to yourself.

"Good work, Tartaglia. You've proven yourself useful to the Tsaritsa after all. But your job here is not done," Childe looks up at the taller woman, his face determined.

"The other daughter has left to fetch water. Unfortunately, there are too many knights around on patrol to take her. Dispose of the body, and return at once." Childe bows to the woman and she smiles wickedly.

"Yes, Signora. Anything for the Tsaritsa." She leaves, and Childe begins to wrap up the young girl's body in a blanket. He stops suddenly, lifting his head up as young _____ approaches from over the hill. Childe smirks, fixing his mask and hood back on properly.

"Until next time, _____." He says and begins to run.

You gasp as the light invades your sight again and you're returned to the present. Your heart is beating a mile a minute and your breathing begins to pick up. The realization is overwhelming, and the shock is preventing you from crying.

Tartaglia was the one this whole time? It can't be, it just can't! You love him, and he loves you, he says so all the time. Has he lied to you this whole time? Has he just been keeping you close to screw with you before breaking your heart and killing you? That coin has to be lying. There's no way your Tar would ever do something like that, especially to you! He tells you everything. There are no secrets between the two of you.

Right?

The clock on the wall says that it's seven-o-clock, usually when Childe gets off of work. You don't want to be here; you can't be here. How can you face him after seeing that, even if it was a lie? You quickly run up to your shared bedroom and grab your adventuring bag, filling it with few essentials.

Where will you even go? There's nowhere in Liyue where Childe can't find you. Even across Teyvat, the Fatui have eyes and ears. You just need some time to reflect, get your barrings, and confront him. If you'll confront him. This has to be some kind of joke, or lie placed by some unknown power to question your love for him. There's no way he could have-

"What are you doing, _____?" You gasp, started by Childe suddenly behind you, blocking the exit to your room.

"Tar, you scared me!" You say shakily, holding your bag close to your chest. He smiles his usual caring smile at you, but all you can see is the smirk he held while staring down at your little sister.

"Sorry, my love. I got off of work early like I said I would. Is that why you have your bag?" His ocean blue eyes dart down to your bag and back up to you again. You subconsciously grip the bag tighter, Childe noticing.

"N-No. I accepted a commission last minute." The lie slips out like acid on your tongue.

You've never lied to him before, and it feels wrong. But you have to get out of here. Every alarm bell in your body is screaming at you to run as fast as you can away from the man you love.

His brow furrows a bit with concern and he takes a step closer to you, but you take one back.

"This isn't about what happened today, is it?" He sighs and shakes his head.

"I'm sorry if I scared you, it's just I don't like it when people falsely accuse me of things. I kinda slipped into Harbinger mode for a sec there." He laughs, again trying to come closer to you, you step back.

"Are they false though?" The question falls from your lips before you realize it, and Childe's eyes widen in surprise.

"_____, you can't be serious? You know I would never lie to you-"

"How do I know that, Childe?" You've never called him Childe, and it shows from the shock on his face when you do.

"What are you going on about? I could never-"

"Get away from me!" You yell at the Harbinger, tears finally falling from your eyes. There's no way you could be near him like this, knowing that he could have . . .

"Why? I love you, I won't hurt you." You try to steady your breathing as he slowly inches closer, treating you as of your a wild animal he wants to tame.

"You don't love me." You shake your head, gripping your backpack with white knuckles.

"What?" The question comes out as a whisper from the man's mouth in disbelief, hoping he didn't hear you properly.

"You don't love me!" You say one again, louder, confirming what he has hoped wasn't true.

"_____," Childe tries to come closer, but you shove past him and run to the front door. Before you can grab the handle, Childe grabs you by the shoulders and spins you around.

"Please, _____," His eyes are glassy with unshed tears as he gazes into your own.

"Tell me what I did to make you think this way?" You sob, hands pushing on his chest to break free but failing. You can barely breathe as the sobs rack through your body.

"You-" Trying to get the words out only makes you cry harder as the realization hits you. All the rumors are true. The Fatui are evil, conniving, and uncaring. They kill, pillage, experiment, torture, and don't care about who they have to step on to get their way. And your boyfriend, the love of your life, the man you wanted to marry and start a family of your own with, is one of them.

"You killed my little sister!" Your hands ball into fists and punch his chest as hard as you can, but in your state, you have barely any power.

"My baby sister is dead because of you! How could you?" You managed to get out through your tears, finally breaking down in the arms of the man you've despised for years.

Childe stares at you, unbelieving. He pulls you into a tight hug, crying on your shoulder, continuously apologizing. Never in your life have you seen Childe cry. Even when talking about how much he misses his family or his country, the farthest he gets is a sentimental smile and longing. Never have you thought you'd see him cry either. It's almost enough to make you forget that he's practically admitted to the murder.

He killed your only sister. How do you know he's sincere with his tears as he holds you close and begs you not to go? You've seen him lie before, never to you, but if he kept this secret for so long, what else has he been hiding? But none of that matters right now. The man you've been searching for years for, who you wanted to kill with your own bare hands, is the same person holding you so tenderly now.

How could you forget the countless nights you've woken up from nightmares of that boy coming to kill you and finish what he stared, only for Tartaglia to wake you up and hold you close, promising that he'd protect you? Every year when you mourn your sister and confide in him about how you were going to find that monster no matter what it took, did he fear you'd ever find out and kill him?

Is that why he kept you close for so long, to make sure you'd be too weak for him with love to ever even try? How can you love someone who killed your sister? It's easy to just assume you'd hate him, but for some odd reason, a little voice in the back of your mind is telling you to trust him and love him like you always had.

Another voice is telling you to end his life with no mercy and finally bring your sister to the peace she deserves.

Gathering up your strength, you manage to push him off of you.

"_____, no," He's in a state you've never seen before, face wet with tears, nose running, eyes puffy. But, he doesn't try to pull you back in.

You swiftly grab your bag and leave the house and Childe behind.

-------------

"_____," Your cousin John calls your name, pinching the bridge of his nose. He watches as you continuously use your vision to destroy training dummies.

"You continue this and the knights aren't going to have anything left to train with." You stop temporarily to glare at him.

"I'm training."

"So it seems." He watches as you continue your 'training.'

"You know, this doesn't seem healthy. I'm no doctor or anything, but, maybe you should, like, not?" You sigh irritated and cross your arms.

"Not what, John?" He gestures to the broken wood pieces scattered around the courtyard. You roll your eyes.

"I'm doing no worse than the average rookie knight!" John nods, leaning up against the wall.

"Yeah, yeah, except no. Why? Thank you for asking, cause your not a rookie and you're upset, at what? I don't know because you refuse to tell me. All I know is that my cousin is back after being gone for three years and the-," John looks around before stepping closer and lowering his voice.

"The Fatui in town have been eying us up everywhere we go. What the hell happened while you were in Liyue?" You bite your lip and message your wrists. The tips of your fingers have begun to turn purple from the cold, but you hardly seem affected. John pats you on the back and leads you inside the knight's headquarters.

"Look, I know we were never very close, and when you lived with us, we barely spoke, but I'm here now. We're not kids anymore, _____." The two of you sit down in the library. The three years you lived with your uncle and cousin were your worst. They treated you nice, but you were grieving and took it out on them and many training dummies. It seems you've done the same again.

"I'm sorry, it's just . . ." What happened with Childe months ago is still fresh on your mind. You haven't seen him since you left that night, and you aren't sure if you want to. You're conflicted. You thought coming back to Mondstadt would help you clear your mind and help you decide what to do, but you can't, and it's frustrating.

Despite how hard you've tried . . . You still love Tartaglia with all of your heart. But you can't forget what he did. You could never forgive him either. You've held hatred for this man for six years now, and every waking moment has been used to devise a plan to find him and kill him. But you can't kill him; not when you still hold these feelings.

If this was his goal, then he succeeded. You know he knows you're in Mondstadt. As John said, the Fatui have had their eyes on you since you showed up. You wouldn't be surprised if they all have you listed as a threat. After all, being one of their high-ranking officer's vengeful lover with intent and reason to kill would put anyone on a list.

But, with that said, he hasn't tried to contact you. No letters, no passing of words, hell, no carrier pigeons. He's extra enough to do that. And this has caused you to feel even more upset. Cause you still love the man, and there's some hope still there that he meant what he said and he does love you and the fact he hasn't done anything is killing you.

"_____, you good?" You snap out of your daze and nod.

"Yeah, I was just thinking."

"You seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Please, what's going on with you?" You decide it's best to tell your cousin the truth.

You explain to him the situation. How you fell in love, what life was like for you the three years you were gone, the coin, and finding out the killer's identity. John looks at you in shock.

"Wow, that's a lot. And this is why you came back?"

"Yeah, I know. I should have come back sooner to at least visit, but," John cuts you off and waves his hands.

"No, you're fine. I mean, it would have been nice to see you, but that's irrelevant right now. You found out your boyfriend, a Fatui Harbinger, was the one that killed your sister, and you're here? Doing what? Destroying Favonius property?" You agree hesitantly.

"I mean, when you put it like that, it sounds odd."

"No, _____, odd is an understatement. Why are you here? You should be getting answers, slapping people, storming Snezhnaya! Actually, don't do that last one, that could get us in a lot of trouble."

"True," You agree.

"Honestly, I don't know what to do. Do I confront him? I mean, if he did kill her, which I'm about 90% sure at this point that he did, do I get revenge? I've wanted to for years, but I know that I could never kill him." John takes your hand in his and speaks with sincerity.

"You love him, I get that, but you can't let that get in the way of things."

"No, I mean, I literally couldn't kill him. He's a beast in battle, and could probably end me without even blinking. I've seen him take on multiple ruin guards in seconds, like, he's on a whole nother level." You sigh and put your head in your hands.

"But even despite that, I do still love him. At this point, I feel the best thing to do is to just move on. Go my own way and let him go his."

"And what about your sister, huh? Just gonna forget about her?" You look at him questioningly.

"Look, you need to at least get closure. Obviously, he doesn't want you dead, because you would have been so by now. I can't even tell you how many times the Fatui could have nabbed you, gagged you, and sacked you since you've been back."

"Gee, thanks John, that really makes me feel better about the situation." He rolls his eyes.

"Talk to the man, _____. There will always be a home here waiting for you to come back to." Maybe your cousin is right? If Childe did want you dead, you know damn well he has the power to have made it happen. But how would you even react when you see him? The only way to find out is to get it over with.

With newfound enthusiasm, you jump up from your position and slam your hands on the table.

"Alright, I'm gonna go! I'm gonna talk with Tartaglia and I'm gonna punch him at least once!"

"That's the spirit!" A series of loud shooshes sound around the library and you slowly sit back down.

"Sorry!"

You and your cousin John devise a plan over the next few days. You're still unsure about this whole thing, but with encouragement from John, you gain the confidence you need to push through.

In the end, you decide the best thing to do is to sneak out of Mondstadt without any Fatui seeing you. It's still dangerous to speak with him, and the two of you decide the safest thing is to get him unprepared and off guard. If he's not expecting you, he has no time to plan. Not that he needs a plan to kill you, he could just do it. But still-

As the sun seeps down past the hills and flatlands of Mondstadt, John and you make your way out of headquarters and down to the main part of town.

"You know what sounds so amazing right now? A tall mug of cider from Angel's Share!" John exclaims and grabs your arm. The two of you practically run towards the tavern, gaining looks from the other citizens.

"Cool it, John," You whisper yell to him as you head inside.

"You wanna actually look suspicious?" He laughs, sitting down at a table in the back.

"Sorry if I'm not good at being convincing. Dad always said acting would be my downfall."

"When would you ever have to act to be a knight?" He shrugs his shoulders.

"Right now?" Okay, he has a point. Merely minutes after you sit down, two Fatui agents walk in after, taking a table far enough away, but close enough to keep you in their sights.

"Don't worry, _____," Your cousin says, noticing your worried expression.

We'll get you out of here."

John waves his hand and gains the attention of Master Diluc as he's walking around the tavern.

"We'd like two Valberry Whiskey's please!" Your cousin asks loudly and winks. Diluc rolls his eyes and heads towards the back of the tavern, getting the 'drinks.'

It was a miracle and a half that John was able to convince Master Diluc to help you. But John said he owed him a favor. For what, you have no idea. Not even a second later, a young bard runs over to your table and slams his hands down.

"What did you just order?"

"Uh," You look to your cousin for guidance. The drink was simply a code, not an actual order.

"Valberry Whiskey?" The young bard looks at you in amazement. He's clearly drunk, but the sheer excitement in his eyes seems to sober him up enough to eagerly rush to the bar counter.

"A new drink! And Diluc didn't tell me?!" His shouts of joy gain the attention of the entire bar.

"A new drink?!"

"One not on the menu?"

"Master Diluc!"

Your cousin and you share a look as the crowd goes wild, rushing towards the front bar and to the back looking for Diluc to inquire about this new drink. The few Fatui agents that had followed you in stand up from their seat to get a better view of you and John. John grabs your arm and pulls you into the crowd, the Fatui agents desperately searching for your whereabouts.

"This way, _____." He pulls you farther and farther away from the Fatui till you feel another hand grab you and pull you out of the back entrance to the tavern.

"Hey, watch your hands, buddy!"

"Would you rather still be in there then, _____?" You smile nervously up at Diluc, who's handing you a bag and cloak.

"Things didn't exactly go as planned, huh?" The redhead smirks and crosses his arms.

"I knew that bard would be in here tonight. Drunk off his ass, he wouldn't be able to resist the call of a new drink item." You laugh, pulling the hood over your head.

"Thank you, Diluc." He gives you a rare smile and nods. You begin to walk off but stop, looking back at the tavern owner.

"Hey Diluc, what was the favor for?" Diluc sighs and pinches between his eyes.

"I'd rather not talk about it."

__________________

The journey back to Liyue is a tiring one. It seems a lot closer than it actually is on the map, but heading to the main harbor is always a task. Thankfully, you're able to make your rations last the whole trip, and as you enter the harbor in the wee hours of the night, you smile at the familiar buildings. You may have only been gone for a few months, but this was your home for the last three years.

Your home with Tartaglia . . . You pull your hood farther down your head and try to remain in the shadows. Despite the time of night, the area is still bustling with people. Merchants making deals, ships delivering goods, the whole nine yards.

You flatten yourself against a wall as a few Fatui agents walk past. The place is absolutely crawling with Fatui, even more so than usual. Could it have something to do with you? You doubt it. Harbinger or not, Tartaglia could get in serious trouble for using Fatui resources in such a way.

You carefully slide through cracks and crevises, branches and bushes, trying to stay out of any Fatui sights. Eventually, you find yourself on the outskirts of the city, not far from your shared home. It surprisingly takes a lot from you to not run straight for it. You miss your house. You miss your bed. You miss Tartaglia.

But now is not the time to get sentimental!

You still need to confront him about what he did. And depending on his answer, one of you may not make it through the night. You keep yourself stealthy as you enter the house from the back. He's not home, which is good. But the place is in disarray. Furniture turned upside down, plates smashed against walls, everything caked in dust. It's hard to believe he's been living here if he even has been.

If that's the case, you may have to go looking for him. You look around the house at the disaster. He may have been trying to look for something; maybe a clue to what you had planned or something to use against you.

With that in mind, you run up the stairs to the master bedroom and open the closet. You fear the worst but are surprised to find your sister's belongings still in place.

Surely he would have found them in here.

The bedroom isn't as bad as the bottom floor, though still a mess. The bed is unmade, with a small pile of your clothes on your side of the bed, and his clothes on the floor. All of your things, besides the clothes, are still neatly in their places. Pictures of you and him together that were once on the walls are now on his nightstand, face up and smudged with fingerprints.

"What the hell happened here?" The sound of the front door opening startles you. Could that be Childe? There's no way he's living like this!

Footsteps move across the floor, into the kitchen, into the living room, and slowly up the stairs. Whoever it is, your about to face them.

The door opens slowly, almost torturously so. Soon, the sunken and sullen face of your lover is in your view, and even faster, your on the floor with a knife made of hydro to your throat. Your hood continues to obscure your identity as Childe pins you down.

"Bold of you to break into the home of a Fatui Harbinger! What did you expect?" With the pressure from the knife digging deeper and deeper into your skin, you freeze the hand wrapped around his holding the knife, and kick your leg out. Childe falls over, dropping his weapon which shatters on impact. Before you can get your bearings, he's lunging at you again. He grabs you from behind and holds you in a chokehold.

"Your fast, but you'll never be fast enough!" You gasp for air, holding onto his arm as it's wrapped around your neck. He's trying to kill you, you know he is. All the times you've sparred with him, you knew he was holding back, but he's definitely not this time. Even so, his hold on you is weak. Weak for him, at least.

You rear your elbow into his stomach as hard as you can knocking him back and you summon your catalyst. As he said, he's faster than you, but before he can get back, you place a wall of ice between him and yourself. It's not enough to hold him back for long, but enough to catch your breath. He laughs as he can hear you choking, attempting to regain your oxygen.

"You think this little wall will stop me?" He attacks the wall with his fist, making a section crumble. Your breathing is fast, but you can't seem to gain enough breath to speak. As he crumbles your wall piece by piece, you pull back your hood and lean on the bedroom wall behind you. Finally, he lands the finishing blow and the ice dissipates in a gust of cryo magic. The crazed look of bloodlust vanishes from his face the instant he sees you, hand on your throat, and your breath heavy.

"___-," He can hardly finish his whisper as he lets out a shaky breath. With the tense atmosphere suddenly calm, you're able to regain your breath and look up at the man. His skin a pale and his eyes are dull. He has large dark circles under his eyes and he looks a bit thinner than normal.

"_____," He manages to get out, still shocked you're actually here.

"Are you okay?" You shake your head.

"You haven't seen me in months and that's the first thing you say to me?" He rubs the back of his neck and looks down, ashamed.

"I didn't know it was you. I'm sorry if I hurt you." You can hardly believe what you're seeing. He seems broken, utterly defeated. If he hadn't fought you just now, you'd assume he'd fall over with the breeze.

Looking at him now, it's hard to believe he's the same man that killed your sister.

"We need to talk." He nods, refusing to meet your eyes.

"You need to tell me the truth, Tar," He takes in a shuddering breath at your words.

"All these years, I've been beside you. I've stood up for you, I've loved you. I told you all my darkest secrets and nightmares. Not once did I ever lie to you."

Tears come to his eyes just as they do yours. He bites his lip to prevent the tears from falling. You step closer to him, dropping your cloak, and put your hands up to his face. He flinches away from you but relaxes when your palms cup his cheeks and he finally looks you in the eyes.

"Over the past few months, I've thought long and hard about what I wanted to say to you. And no matter what scenario I came up with, I could never tell if I was doing the right thing. But, even though I carry some semblance of anger, I know that what I feel for you is real. And with that, I still hold hope that you feel the same and it wasn't all just a lie."

He grabs your hands, the tears now falling one by one down his pale cheeks.

"I swear to all the Archons that I love you! I never lied about that!" You hesitate for a moment, blinking away your own tears.

"And though I don't want to, I believe you," You rub your thumbs across his face, clearing some of the tears.

"But I need you to tell me everything." Tartaglia closes his eyes. He never dreamed in a million years he'd have to tell you this story. He'd hoped that you'd live in blissful ignorance for the rest of your life with him. But the gods had another plan for him and you, and he prays that at least one of them will let him keep you. Even if that's a selfish request.

"I joined the Fatui when I was young. I was constantly trying to prove myself to Signora and the Tsaritsa that I was willing to do anything they asked me. I still am," He looks at you with regretful and sorrowful eyes as he recalls the past.

"Your parents had fled Snezhnaya when you were born, because of a debt they racked up with the Fatui. When they were found in Fontaine, it was revealed that they were working for a group of rebels intent on infiltrating Snezhnaya. It was my job to take you and your sister to use as leverage on your parents. But, your sister fought back," You release his face and look away, finding it harder to keep eye contact with him.

"I wasn't as skilled as I am now, and I panicked. But La Signora said I did a good job. I didn't know that your parents had already been killed by the rebels, and neither did the Fatui. Not until after we had left you. At that point, there was no reason to continue after you. But you were never forgotten about. And when you came to Liyue, I was instructed to keep an eye on you," Childe lifts his arms up and places his hands on your shoulders.

"But I never expected to fall in love with you." You look into his ocean blue eyes and are overcome by the warmth they hold for you.

"The day I met you, I could feel it, and I tried so hard to forget about it, but you were just so . . . Amazing, and beautiful, and kind. I never expected that from you. You never once judged me or ridiculed me, even though you knew who I was. I thanked the Archons every day that you came into my life, and I prayed that you'd never find out what I'd done."

A sob breaks through as he wipes the tears running down his face. All the years you harbored hatred for this man, you never once thought about what he could have been going through. It's true that this doesn't excuse his actions, but to know that he truly regrets what he did brings you some kind of closure. In the end, revenge would have never made you feel better. Your sister wouldn't have wanted that.

You love Tartaglia with all your heart, and in this world, it's better to forgive than to let it eat away at you any longer.

"Tartaglia," His name comes out as a whisper with your breath, but he hears you loud and clear. The fear of rejection in his eyes tells you everything you need to know as you carefully speak to him.

"I forgive you." He cries, pulling you to his chest and you hug him back. Unfortunately for him, you weren't finished.

"But, I need some time to think about this. I love you; I never stopped loving you, and I always will," You pull back and smile at him before gently kissing his chapped lips.

"I'm going back to Mondstadt, but I'll be back. You just need to give me some time." He smiles as best he can and nods enthusiastically.

"I'd give you all the time in the world if I could." He moves to kiss you again, but you put a finger up to his lips to stop him.

"Save it for later, Tar." He laughs, looking back up at you with bright eyes.

"So, there's a later?"

(A little something extra. It doesn't quite fit to be an ending, but more like an epilogue just tying things together I guess lol.)

___________________

You sigh as you sling your bag over your shoulder. It's been a good few months back in Mondstadt after your reconciliation with Childe, and you've decided it's time to go home. You've kept in regular contact with him since you've been here, writing letters to each other like new lovers. You found the whole thing quite cute, despite the circumstances. He's been regarding you with caution, taking things one step at a time, and never pushing you past any limits you set. You're grateful for that.

"You sure you wanna go back? You can always stay a bit longer, just to give yourself a bit more time to think it over." John says, arms crossed and head down. You two have grown closer over your time spent here. It's a shame to think you were so caught up in your misery to be blind to the best friend you could have had. And it's tough to say goodbye, now that you've grown attached.

"I'm sure. You don't have to miss me too much, ya know? I'll be back to visit, and I'll write every week!" John huffs.

"You better, or I'm coming over there and kicking that Fatui's ass for keeping you away! I don't care how many ruin guards he can take on!" You laugh and pull him into a hug.

"I'm gonna miss you." He hugs you back, holding you tight.

"Yeah, I know." You roll your eyes and wave goodbye to the family you didn't realize you had.

Once back in Liyue, you get settled into your home with Childe. Thankfully, he cleaned up the mess he made while you were gone. He had said he was so distraught at the thought of you leaving him, he trashed the place in anger. Not anger from you, but anger at himself. He was afraid you'd think he was a monster, that he was heartless, and that you'd never want to see him again.

He was relieved when he heard you were in Mondstadt. There, he could keep an eye on you. One of the things he was afraid of was you doing something to yourself due to the pain of it all . . . If you did that, he wouldn't know how to cope. And when he received word that you had disappeared from Mond, well, he thought that fear had come true. But in the end, things worked out. You could never forget what he did, nor do you want to. It's something you have to live with, just like he does, and it's up to you to put it aside.

You know there are many things he's done that he's not proud of. Many things of which he promises to tell you when he's ready. And you'll be there to listen as he spills his heart out to you.

You take in a breath of air as you enter the harbor, smelling the salty water of the ocean and the wonderful herbs being brought in from traveling merchants. You'll never get over these smells.

"_____!" You look over your shoulder, surprised as Chen runs over to you. You haven't seen her since the incident outside of town.

"Chen! Are you okay?" She smiles and hugs you.

"I'm doing great! My brother and I have been selling a lot more of our goods since he's been back, and business has been booming!"

"Your brother?" You tilt your head.

"Yes!" She nods enthusiastically.

"He did go to Lingju Pass as Childe had said. It turns out, he had a buyer out there but didn't want to tell me in case the deal went south. I overreacted. . ." She puts her head down in shame.

"All the rumors about the Fatui got to my head, and I assumed the worst. But Childe went out and found my brother for me. Can you please tell him I said thank you? Also that I'm sorry. I really owe him one."

You pat her on the head, relieved.

"Of course, Chen." She reaches into her pocket and pulls something out.

"For payment-"

"No!" You shove her hand away.

"Gotta go! I'm late to see Tar!" You sprint off, leaving a confused Chen in your wake.

[princessamericachavez]

Do you remember what episode was it when they were talking about how to split rooms and Veth suggests Jester and Fjord share a room and Jester turns it down and makes it a point to go to the other room where Fjord wasn’t in? Is that the same episode Caleb tells Fjord that Jester can punch him through a wall?

Oh man. I feel like this ask is super passive aggressive, but just in case it isn’t... sure, I’ll play.

The episode was ep 54 “Well Beneath” and both interactions happen at the same time, but I suspect you already knew that, anon.

I think there’s a couple interesting things that keep getting overlooked when it comes to this exchange when Fandom talks about it, though. Especially when painted as proof that Fjord doesn’t respect Jester’s strength as much as Caleb does. Which absolutely isn’t the case.

I think, firstly, for context from Fjord’s POV it’s worth noting that this is very soon after the Pirate Arc, in which he struggled for weeks to precisely keep his friends safe under constant threat and felt responsible for it. Secondly, during that arc he slowly became more aware of the way Jester’s cheerfulness is a front. Starting with the jellyfish talk and leading to his efforts to cheer her up after the whole blue dragon thing, which we know he feels responsible for despite it being an unfortunate mix of events. He also started becoming more aware of how much her support meant for him (see the second temple, in which he was moved by her concern but also kept complimenting her fighting and spells at every given turn). Finally, let’s not forget they were preparing to sleep in a super shady place and boys and girls were going to room separately. I would argue, after the Iron Shepherd’s, there’s certain degree of separation anxiety for Fjord and, as far as they knew at this point of the Xhorhas arc, they were in hostile territory. So no, Fjord isn’t saying “Jester I think you are too weak” he is saying “Jester, your safety is important to me and I am trying to be more vocal about it”. In a hilariously misguided way, which is hilarious for someone as smooth as Fjord, but later experience has proved he gets very clumsy around her because of his growing crush.

As for Jester’s reaction, I think it’s important to note, first and foremost, that she was already crossed at Fjord and Veth before this conversation. She was pissed because she was nearly out of spells and asked them not to go into the well to investigate because she wouldn’t be able to heal them if something went wrong. And they were too curious to listen to her. Remember, what Jester actually called Fjord out on after the HFB WASNT that he left her with the dragon but that he disappeared. Again, separation anxiety. So she’s angry and then Fjord asks if she’ll be safe and she looks angry. But then her friends start loudly, and right in front of her, teasing him about it. This is the guy she is in love with and just convinced herself doesn’t like her back. How excruciating must that be? No wonder she walks away to her bedroom. Also, consider, she doesn’t snap at Fjord over the comment. She does snap at Veth about the teasing, insisting Fjord had no romantic inclinations while making that comment (lol it definitely came from his feeling for her but we know that now for sure).

Finally, I don’t see that exchange as Caleb respecting her more. Honestly. I think it’s a very interesting illustration of something I already talked about and is the fact that, just because Jester CAN take care of herself, it doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be checked in with, shouldn’t be asked “are you okay with this?” You can know someone is highly capable and still worry about them. It’s not mutually exclusive. I do appreciate Caleb loudly reminding everyone how strong Jester is, their friendship is one of my favorite things. The way he delivered that line was hilarious (though sadly ignored by her and everyone else in the middle of the ensuing teasing). But that’s about it for me. If anything, knowing about his crush on her, it almost feels like he kinda WANTED to incite conflict over the comment but it’s hard to speculate about it of course.

Lastly, I think it’s interesting to note that Fjord does this exact same thing a while later, after they just lost Yasha. When, again, they are staying in weird sleeping arrengments (dynasty military camp, this time), when again Jester is out of spells, when they are shaken and tense and feeling hunted down by TLH. He leaves the room and asks “are you going to be alright here?” And he’s v obviously talking to Jester because of his sight line but Sam dismisses it with “yeah, it’s a room” though Jester nods gently in response at the same time. She doesn’t take it as offense (when she isn’t already pissed).

Also, because now I’m thinking about it, you could say there’s other two parallels on Jester’s side to this exchange. Firstly, when she checks in with him in the Xhorhouse and implies they ran away from the ocean, to which Fjord responds defensively. And, much later, when she stops him before they walk into the cathedral, holds his hand and whispers “please be careful, please”. Neither of these means she thinks he’s weak or doesn’t respect him, right.

I don’t know where I’m going with this other than that scene came at a time where Fjord and Jester’s relationship was slowly beginning to mend after the Pirate Arc (I would argue it didn’t entirely return to their easy comfortable rapport until the Kiln Talk though it did get much better after the moorbounder/potions conversation) but people keep taking it out of context (both within their arcs and within the episode itself) and everyone is free to make whatever readings they want but ignoring nuances leads to misguided conclusions in my opinion. So yeah.

Anyway, the ep you were looking for was 54 (wow, over 60 eps ago!)

[andredransom]

my relationship with sex.

its not good.

let’s take it back to beginning. as far as I can remember.

The very first thing I remember happened when I was a kid in the second grade. Actually becoming aware of my self. my genitals. I think I remember being in time out when this occurred. So what that meant was that I was sitting at a desk away from the other kids. (its really crazy that I remember this because I had to only be like 6 or 7 years old but anyway....) I was just chilling at my time out desk and felt some movement and of-course it startled me because nothing like that had happened before. (I attended a private catholic school). So I began examining myself trying to figure out what was going on. what was happening. At this time I had no idea about sex and what the hell was going on. Ofcourse I get caught by my teacher and get sent to the office. This gets around to another teach (specifically a P.E teacher of mine) and I get a lecturing from him. and by lecturing I actually mean I stearn yelling at lol. When I get home I get another lecturing from my momma and hear the phrases playing with yourself and being too grown. Ofcourse I have no idea what shes talking about and the whole time she’s lecturing me (yelling at me) Im just crying. we all move on I dont ever hear about this again. and dont really start thinking about it til I get older and start getting full erections etc.

After that my relationship with sex started to become fairly normal I would say. As a kid we all did the same thing. switching back and forth channels with the remote. One channel on cartoon network while the other was on set on HBO while Real Sex showed late at night. You’d switch back soon as an adult figure walked into the room. We all gotta learn some way right. especially if no ones talking to you about it. This occurred I wanna say in my later elementary years.

It wasn't soon after getting into middle school that I stopped doing that completely. When I transitioned into middle school my main goal was to make new friends and I really struggled with that up until the eighth grade. the first two years I had school friends but the relationships never really grew from outside of school. besides like one. (My cousin portia) we became really close and are still kinda close to this day. So what did I do after school? I gamed. MMORPG’s to be exact. I made friends online and looked forward to talking to these friends and gaming with them everyday doing missions and fighting monsters or just chatting about our silly pre teen interests. Gaming wasn't the only thing I did. I also visited a ton of roleplaying forums. Most of these were fantasy forums So they weren't realistic at all. It was sort of a creative outlet as well as social interaction for me. (Some of the forums I visited included Pokemon roleplaying [look up Pokemon Torrenta] , Kingdom Hearts roleplaying and High School Musical roleplaying) I even created my own at one point. wrote a storyline for it and all. There was also this really cool one based on one of the MMORPGs I played. It was a Digimon RPG, we had to use a program to translate from Korean. So it was a bunch of us American kids playing this RPG together. It was really cool. We came together everyday on the forum and talked about life and held different art contest because we were all really into creating forum banners on Photoshop. That was the extent of my friendships for like two almost three years. 6th-7th grade!

Theres a couple other things I skipped over but they arent as important so I’ll list them in bullet points.

- Had first date in 6th grade. with this girl that introduced me to email chatting and AIM (aol Instant messaging). we talked everyday and had some of the same interests. She was the first girl I met (in middle school) that was interested in some of the music I enjoyed. this didn't continue after 6th grade.

- created a Myspace to keep in touch with school friends and be self expressive. Also got this from 6th grade first date. Music taste grew. Became exposed to some adult things. never chased after them though.

- Had school crushes here and there but I never really got to interact with these crushes outside of school. Opportunity never came up from me just being too shy or my parents being really strict on allowing me to go anywhere.

- I was the mascot in 7th grade So I most definitely started to come out of my shell a lot more. I still was very innocent and kid like.

Alright lets fast forward to the 8th grade. This was an interesting. A couple of things happened. I began to use myspace alottttt more. Met people from different schools in my area. but more importantly right now I met high school kids. My parents started to become a little more lenient with allowing me to go places but these were just like day time parties, the movies or a little restaurant get together. Not much to do in little ol Mobile, AL

SIDENOTE: - (I had a friend date with a guy for the first time in 6th or 7th grade, a dude I met in my band or one of my classes I cant remember. I was just excited to make a new friend. My mom took us bowling. and I had a blast. I dont really remember if we kept in touch with each other much after that year. But now he’s gay. I just think thats really funny lol Ive seen him a shit ton of times on tinder)

alright now back to my 8th grade year. I was using myspace alot more. So those high school friends I gained peaked my interest highly. Ofcourse because I mean they’re doing high school things and I wanted in on it. I specifically got really close to this one girl that attended a school I got dropped off at for my first bus stop on the way home. So the highlight of my day, everyday, was getting off the bus to see her and hug her. I was head over heels for this girl. first real crush. I mean like we talked every fucking day on the phone. and the friends that I did have at middle school, all I talked to them about was her. She would come out and hang with us too whenever we had our small little middle school get togethers. so basically in my head this girl was my gf (lol thats what I wished) Talking to a HS girl made me feel somewhat cooler too, SO that gave me a little confidence boost. Little did I know what all my other middle school friends were doing lol (mostly the girls) but the reason I bring this girl up is because her friends became my friends and this opened up a whole new world to me.

This is exposed me to real parties. and by parties I mean pretty much like little club like parties thrown by junior fraternities and sororities. Girls throwing ass, guys grinding up on girls, lap dances, ppl making out in the middle of the dance floor, and girl on girl making out! She was friends with a ton of guys that were in Kappa League. a junior high school fraternity. So I immediately thought they were cool because she liked them and I wanted her to like me. So Im like let me see what these dudes all about. I checked out their myspaces and shit. Alot of them shirtless showing off their bodies or some just showing off their dancing. I was intrigued to say the least. I obsessed a little about how I could get abs and look like these guys. (I made a post about this a very long time ago but this wasnt soon after my cousin told me what girls like and pretty much told me girls wouldnt like me with the way I was built) That same year I would run 3 miles every chance I got and do a shit ton of sit ups. Which got me nowhere but skinny but also started an unhealthy obsession with not getting fat.

But anyways I found out my sister had a friend that was in Kappa League and she introduced me to him one day when I went to the mall with her. A kappa league party was coming up and he said he could get me in and take me. My sister wasnt interested in going at all and I knew this girl was going to be there so I had to go. By the grace of God I somehow convinced my parents to allow me to go. I think it was combination of me being a good kid (giving them no worries) and my sister knowing the guy and letting them know it was safe. By no means were these parties safe. By the end of the night they were always shooting in the parking lot. But yeah these parties were the first time I really had girls throw ass on me and slow dance. So after going to one of these I immediately thought I was that nigga. lol (still had yet to kiss a girl fr If I did it was just for a dare and a peck)

These are some of the things that occurred and what I learned about myself that eighth grade year. relating to this post.

- Im bold online

- I love partying

- Porn is cool its not all that bad, Im really into latina chicks.

(I remember watching this one latina girl use a cucumber on herself. I used to visit her site all the time it was really pink, all I could see were trailers)

- jacking off without it takes a long ass time. So i’ll only watch periodically or when it pops up on myspace ads and peaks my interest.

(I jacked off for the first time around the age of 13, mimicking what I saw from a porn video, it took a very long time and I didnt quite know what was supposed to happened. felt really weird but kinda felt good when I finished. Not much came out)

- Learned the word boner from the show Degrassi.

- I might be attracted to boys. Abs look nice.

- Oh yeah I forgot about this. something happened Im not really allowed to share because its personal to someone else but I really had it engrained in my head that If you had sex before marriage that you were going to hell. The incident that occurred had me thinking that someone I was close to was going to hell. So anytime I did watch porn I shamed myself alot. So if I did watch porn it was veryyyyy rare. I never really desired sex from any of my crushes. I just wanted their love and respect. I never visualized myself having sex with anyone I had romantic feelings for.

Alright lets move on. My crush for the high school girl slowly began to fade as I could tell she wasnt that much into me cause she obviously had a roster of other cooler high school guys. This was more toward the end of my eighth grade year and into the summer! I was still using the hell out of myspace. Especially since we weren't going to school anymore. I met more ppl. One of those ppl happened to be a girl that lived in my neighborhood. The same night we met online and chatted for awhile and agreed to meet each other in the neighborhood the next morning. I cant remember if we met at one of our houses or the gas station! But I spent a shit ton of time with her. Pretty much the whole summer from what I could remember. eventually asking her to be my gf. This is only significant because somewhere in this summer I got my first real kiss from her. Still never really thinking about sex. relationship didnt last because soon as we started high school she started to act a little funny. but thats because she had been talking to another guy. So we broke up or whatever stayed friends because she was only new person I knew at the school. but i definitely didnt take it a well at first.

The rest of that year I focused on making friends. and Boy did I make them, and you already know Myspace played a a big part in it. 9th grade flew by I didn't do shit fr. I learned that everyone was having sex. well the new friends I made and It was pretty normal. Majority of the ppl I did know was having sex were in relationships with one another though.

10th grade is when shit hit the fan. Twitter came out! MORE FRIENDS. Parents allowed alot more freedom. Met some guys that I became really close with really fast. They were in Kappa League. go figure. First night we really hang out they take me to a KL party of course. and they bring me back late asf past 12. My mom slammed door in their face. after that day. They’re at my house everyday. basically my brothers now.  These boys were popular I guess you could say without saying something negative lol. But they had a super active sex life. More than anybody I had ever known. It was like every weekend between the two of them they had something set up. Had nudes sent to their phone and everything and Im just new to all this. I mean like we going to girls houses. They’re doing stuff under blankets while we watching movies and everything and Im still scared to just kiss a girl. So me not thinking about sex went out the window! I thought about it alot more than I did in the past. because I literally was the only virgin I knew. and It was constantly around me. I never went after it but I most definitely got more involved with porn. and this is when I think porn became my primary sexual satisfaction. 

I never talked to a girl only for sexual satisfaction. Anytime I got involved with someone it was because I genuinely liked them and wanted to grow a relationship with them. I moved really slowly and took my time. I was never aggressive. which probably got me friend zoned alot. who knows. but anyways all that slow moving shit never got me anywhere with relationships and I was never my choices first choice. So I never got into a strong relationship to where I could have a true sexual experience with someone I really liked or loved. (Until 2014 but we will get there)

Okay lets go back a little so not too far into the summer before tenth grade I began talking to this one girl again. you know how the cycle goes. I was basically led on the whole time but looking back I shouldve known what was up. I was dumb. I used always let myself get caught up in my own emotions. But I talked to her for half of my tenth grade year. things didnt workout. I felt my first brush of depression. yadayadda. After healing from that or in attempt to heal from that I pretty much let loooose. The partying started to get crazy. We moved from junior fraternity parties to throwing house parties every fucking weekend. If we werent at house party we were at a football game and ended up at a house party later that night. By this time I had a car and parents didnt care what I did cause I proved myself responsible. I just had to be home by an appropriate time. When I say these parties got crazy this is when I drinking started to happen.. and you know what drinking always led too.. random hookups. not full out hookups for me but sexual things did happen and it was never with any girl I was really into. Just a girl I talked to a little bit, I guess you could say we entertained each other..

All of these hookups were just the two of us making out and me fingering the girl and her giving me a handjob. majority of the time It was just making out and fingering but I got a couple little rough dusty ass handjobs. girls sucked at those backed then. no spit just dry rubbing.  It didnt really feel good to me. So I always stopped them. This went on pretty much at every party I went to and crazy spring break parties we had on the beach ( I finger fucked a girl in front of her friends in a condo, on the beach while making out with her [this was also the high school girl I wanted in 8th grade] feelings completely gone at this point. But I never went through with sex with any of these girls cause it just didnt feel right. I didnt feel comfortable enough. I didnt like like these girls. So still no true sexual experience nothing that felt really good and was worth going after. I still wanted my first time to be with somebody I liked/loved but I also wasnt turning down any opportunity. If a girl said lets go I wouldve been down. but most of the girls I was fooling with were virgins or were just drunk like me and wouldve wanted me to take the lead. and I always (me being me) would never taken it there unless she asked because I wanted to be respectful.

This went on for the next two to three years. I never met anyone new that I was really into. No one I was really into and wanted to take out or try to get some alone time with. Plus even If i did want some alone time I wouldnt have even had anywhere to take her without explaining to my parents that the girl was jsut a random girl and not my gf. 

This is what occurred over these two years of 10th & 11th grade.

- fell in love for first time, or so I thought. Spent every moment I had with girl but on the phone. We only hung out a handful of times. But she occupied every second of my free time and my homeboy/brother would drive me to her house when he could and she was “available”

- girl gets boyfriend randomly and decides to call me and tell me that. I was completely blindsided. When we met she was in a relationship and she got out of the relationship and I thought after a couple of months I would have my chance. She knew my feelings for her and I thought she had them for me. After she called and told me she got a boyfriend we never talked again. [until years later]

- heartbreak hits. felt like I was depressed. wondered if anyone could truly like me. especially considering the fact that had to try really hard to make friends. and none of these friends were into the same things as me besides partying. which was introduced to me by them.

- I dont become a player but I pretty much stop dating dating. I never really gain another true connection with a girl I just party all the time and have random, kind of sexual but not true sexual hookups.

boom pow ITS 11TH GRADE YEAR

- ya boy is still a virgin. The party train has gotten out of control. My friends pretty much having sex in front of me. or around me. 

- Im watching porn still. Idk what what point but I most definitely started to watch gay porn as well. might've been 11th grade. But there was definitely a point on twitter where I got bullied for my sexual orientation and I had never looked at gay porn or even thought about a boy sexually/romantically.  I guess the other stuff got boring and I got curious though. After watching it I used to tell my self it is what it is, Id never gain feelings for another boy so that doesnt matter. the shame felt same as watching regular porn. and the Nut felt the same too. I did like that it wasnt as aggressive as straight porn and seemed to be more so leaning toward love making.

Lets get back to that first bullet. My friends were literally having sex in front of me. The girls didnt care because thats what they were there for too just a nut.. neither of the parties liked each other romantically or atleast the girls tried to convinced themselves that they didnt. So they didnt care if I was around watching. The watching never turned me on. There was defintely one point we were at the park and they all got after it and and asked me to hop in. Couldnt get hard it didnt turn me on.

This went on for a couple of weekends before they decided we gotta take this nigga Andre’s virginity. Sooooo yeaaahhhh... The taking of my virginity was planned. One of the girls in our little circle of friends was much older than the rest of us. She called and got me an early dismissal. we legit had a whole sex day planned. So I get the early dismissal. Head over to my friends house. Everybdoys already going st it. Theyre just fucking. Back then most girls were weird about giving head so none of that occured. and theyre just like “Andreeee come on in”! I get there and pretty much tske off all my clothes and me and buddy go watch porn to get hard. and from there I just lay down and the girl rides me for a bit! it just felt warm and nice. I wasnt really getting any sexual feeling. 

- this could be because I always jacked off and got quick satisfaction

- or could be that I just wasn't into this girl

No foreplay ever happened. no kissing no nothing. I got hard I lied down and she rode me for a bit before i eventually got soft. I ended up jacking off in the toilet. I dont really remember what happened after that. we played with girls bodies with ice for a bit but that was it. 

- met one girl I was into toward the fourth quarter. we made out alot. Making out with her felt really good to the point that I wanted to get sexual (lots pf precum) lol. but we never got alone. she gave me my first handjob that felt good. but this little romance I thought was there didnt last long cause I wasnt the only one again. lol

after that I go back to normal routine of random hookups at house parties until I meet this one girl toward the beginning of 12th grade. I had known her for awhile but Idk maybe it was because the holidays or I was just happy and drunk after a football game and got all confident but she just peaked my interest. She was gorgeous, smart as hell and she was athletic. she was a cheerleader. we never really made it officially but everyone knew. She went every where I went even to the house parties. It was the first real kind of relationship I had without it being a true relationship. So I cool out on the random hookups because this girl is with me at the after parties and now its us making out. BUTTTTT im the DD (never sober so what am I saying) so everybodys always in my car. we never got alone. which wasnt a porblem for me. At this point I had already decided that sex was something that I really didnt need. It was always just okay! and I was going to bring it up if she wasnt cause she was a virgin and I wouldve wanted her make that decision..

- The very first sexual experience that I actually enjoyed was at hosue party a very small one. Not too much longer after the girl above and I had started talking. My buddies had let me know that there was gonna be a girl there that gives realllly good head. and they told me she was “firnedly” So I literally went to the party (with my girl’s friends) went upstairs away from them and ask their would she give me head in a jokingly way so it wouldnt come off as offensive. and she agreed super fast. literally said after I come back from the store. Im shocked as hell. She gets back from the store and like she said. she gave me that gawk gawk 3000.  Boy I was happy as hell then. I was a little tipsy and it was probaly the best feeling I had ever gotten doing anything sexual and I didnt even have to work for it! just asked!

- The day after idk if my girl had found out or not but she didnt talk to me the whole day. and my ass was going through it. I listened to drakes new album and was crying cause I thought she found out. Yes I was bitch WHEN A GOOD THING GOES BAD ITS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD ITS JUST END OF... or whatever he said. I listened to it on repeat at one of my buddies house lol and it bothered me until she talked to me the next day. It was never brought up. I think she used school work or cheerleading as an excuse.

I regretted it but I didnt because who knows when I wouldve ever gotten that head. I would never asked her for it. We never talked about sex.

That was the extent of my high school sex career. I didnt do much after that. No intercourse. I mightve gotten head from some random girls but It was nothing memorable like the first time. s/o to you girl s/o we still good I aint never forgot you!

COLLEGEEEE! 

wild ride right? nah just more drinking and no curfew lol

It wasnt long after arriving on campus that I met this girl. took me a very long time to gain feelings for her because I was still hung up on my girl from high school. The first few times me and the new gilr in college got together I couldnt stop thinking about my highschool girl but i eventually got over and my feelings shifted.

- the first night I asked this girl to hang she gave me a fat ass hickey on my neck. looked like somebody donkey punched me on the side of my neck. I had to wear freaking hoodies to class to hide it. But after that night we were inseparable. She was also a virgin...

wtf why couldnt I’ve gotten somebody with experienced lol. Every night we hung out we were butt ass naked in my dorm room but It never went past fingering and handjobs. They were more intimate than the ones in high school cause I was really feeling this girl. We even switched around in different positions. It was funny. She had the biggest tittys ever too. 

Romance didnt last. I made her feel insecure a couple times while hanging with other girls(my friends) back home. she started talking to other guys and just slowly cut me off. I had my first argument I guess you say argument with her.. I took her to my room to talk. Explain to her how i felt and she just stayed quite the whole time. she cried a little then went back to her dorm room... Once she got back there she asked me to come over and I did like a dumb ass and she hopped on top of me and started making out with me and shit. we did that for about 30 mins and then she asked if we were good said nope and that was the end of that.

She came to my apartment once really drunk. Months after we had stopped talking and she pretty much tried to sleep with me. but I didnt go through with it. Because I was sober and she was drunk out of her mind. She wouldnt have even remembered consenting to it.

I didnt do much after that. Not much at all I definitely didn't do my school work. I did the bare minimum lol. I was constantly working or going to college apartment parties in Hattiesburg or back home in Mobile. Never met anyone new until the summer time and this new wasnt physically here with us..

The summer of 2014 I decided not to go home. I stayed in hattiesburg and worked. Just to make some money and chill in my apartment. Idk why iddint wanan go home I probably should have top be with my friends because I eventually got extremely lonely. 

- On IG I had a huge following at the time. probably about 10k followers. I did follow for follow posts and made alot of friends online.

SN to remember.

- I was still watching porn. more than ever now especially after girl would leave my dorm cause she never finished me off. it was mixture of straight and gay porn. eventually we stopped fooling around. got more free time. porn use increased. (I began using tumblr back in 2010. there was a ton of porn there and I may have began watching gay porn then)

Back to the summer of 2014. I met this one guy on IG. from a follow for follow post. We ended up chatting it up on KIK just talking bout random things getting to know one another. I was interested to know what his life was like because he lived in New York and my ass had never really been anywhere aside from California once and Florida. Not too much longer after that we exchanged numbers and we pretty much began talking every single day... I didnt think too much of it because all I was doing was working and all my friends had gone home for the summer. So I was super lonely. He kept me busy. We exchanged music and just talked about life in general. He told me about his living situation and his relationship with his family and ofcourse I would say whatever I could to help him feel better. All of this happened probably within a week and then he complimented me and called me cute, etc liked my style my hair all that... and I.... liked it. and I thought its the summer Im here by myself I aint worried bout any body finding out and Im really not ever gonna really ever meet this boy.

That was until the texting never stopped. It turned into facetimes. they were short but they were cool. Romantic texts turned into sexting and sexting turned into facetime sex. cringe yeah I know. But I was starting to really feel this dude. Idk if it was because I was alone or it was because I felt like we related to each other alot.

Needless to say my libido increased dramatically after meeting him. But it was only because he enjoyed it and sought it out. Had he never sought it out it would've never reached that level. I throughly enjoyed it tjhough I can not lie.

Thats when I kind of came to terms with that yeah I like dudes. Idk if that makes me gay or bisexual or whatever it is. I like this dude. and whatever he needs to make him happy Ima do it. Sooooo after like 3-4 months of straight talking I decided to take a trip to see him. themidnset that I found dudes attractive but would never gain feelings for them was pout the window cause soembody made it happen.

BUT FIRST I HAD TO EXPERIMENT!

I met this guy that caught my eye on a shuttle bus i rode to class everyday. he always smiled at me. I complimented him on his style one day and we exchange numbers. I really did like the way he dressed.

I pretty much told him my situation and that I wanted to figure out if this i something I could actually enjoy. So invited him over to my apartment. After like an hour of talking and ignoring HSM in the background. He was a theatre major (told me he loved it). He kissed me and it wasnt bad. It was just like kissing a girl. lips to lips tongue to tongue.  Everyone has their own style of kissing. It wasnt too agressive and it didnt feel wrong. Sooooo after that... I just went through the motions of things I saw from porn. gay porn lol except with lotion. and not lube. we did the did. excpet this time there was alot more foreplay included. He gave me head, sucked on my neck my nipples etc. and then boom intercourse. It felt the same on the inside. Just warm and nice. This time though i did the fucking (instead of getting rode) and I didnt feel much just like the first time I had sex. Never got close to feeling like I was going to nut. It just felt like achore of me helping somebody get off but me not really feeling much,.

- Nutting feeling occurences only happened when

- first time I got head

- making out with girls I really liked

- head from that guy

So afterwards I was like ahhhh that wasnt that bad! I felt relief and was cool I can go through with meeting my friend.

Fast forward to December I get to NY to meet my friend. Im shy and quiet and dk wth to say. He comes to my hotel room and we talk for abit and then theres an awkward silence. After that we just go at it. and just like before making out with the girls I thought I loved in the past, It felt right it felt really nice. I wanted to take things further and so we did. We didnt have full sex because as you know with gay sex there are roles and none of that was about to go down on either ends. But anything else you can imagine happened and I really enjoyed it. it was more so the act of it happening and me not really focusing on finishing. I just liked being there with him, us pleasing each other.

I would talk more about the relationship but this post is about sex.

After that my sex life went back to being the same as it as in high school. except it sometimes included boys.

I almost forgot to mention right before I went to New York me and the girl I thought I was In love with in 10th grade happened to get back in touch. So I figured my feelings were so strong for her in the past that id be stupid not to see if this could lead somewhere. We got close again, texting everday which led to sexting. etc talking on the phone. but at the same time I was talking to the guy and he was around first so my feelings werent shifting at all.

A month or a couple months before I leave for New York I meet up with her at home back in Mobile. The very first night we fuck in my car. I enjoyed it. The making out the sweating etc and the first couple of minutes of fucking was cool but after awhile it just started to feel pointless cause I wasnt going to get close to nutting.

There was one time we had sex for about an hour switching positions and we were just having fun. cause i was comfortable with her and I truly did love her but more so as a friend. I was determined to finish so like an hour into it  I just sat back and start jacking off and I bust probably the biggest load in my life and it felt great even brought tears to my eyes. butttt I could never get that feeling from the act of sex. Only when Im stimulating my self.

and that has been my sex life.

things that have happened after this.

- More pointless fucking. Only doesnt feel pointless if Im really into the person.

- Im really only interested in sex with someone I have at-least a-little bit of emotion connection to.

- I can only get off with my own help.

- Foreplay feels really goood. doesnt matter the sex.

- Sometimes feel like I cant finish at all even with my own help. but i can always finish with porn and can go multiple times.

- Porn has been my primary sex satisfaction and probably has been for a very long time causing me to believe maybe thats why its hard for others to help me get off.

- When receiving fellatio or giving intercourse. My penis becomes really sensitive and goes soft.

- Ive had threesomes. two way kisses etc.

- Ive given up on romantic relationships.

- ive used porn for instant gratification when Im down.

- when I do meet someone its really hard for. me to gain feelings for them if I feel they have nothing to offer.

- I primarily watch gay porn now.

- i see men as sexual objects and dont desire romantic relationships with them only sexual.

- I still desire romantic relationships with women but Im not sure how much longer I can please a woman if I cant receive pleasure myself.

So that brings me here. the main reason I made this post was for healing. I made the decision a week ago to completely let go of porn. And I have for the most part. There are still social media images that pop up here and there but nothing extreme and Im not going out and searching for porn videos and seeking instant gratification from them.

Im not using porn to instantly make myself feel better or to just put myself to sleep at night.

and within just a week. I feel alot better. First and foremost I feel Like ive got more energy. Probably from not staying up at night watching porn for an hour or two and Im also slowly getting back to things that I used to enjoy.

Like this blog writing. I had a really great time writing this today. and I tried my best to make it short once I got to the college part because trust me it can be a whole lot younger. 

I really want this post to hold me accountable for this decision ive made and I hope to only get better. SO that maybe one day I can get back to feeling how I once felt about relationships and the goals and dreams I once had.

[imarealtragedy]

Summary: You have been given the best news of your life, receiving a scholarship in a prestigious school was everything somebody could ever ask for, expecting to adapt to you new life in Fukurodani Academy, you take the risk and move to Japan. But what you never expected was to be in this position, underneath the arms of everyone's favorite ace, Bokuto Koutaro.

Pairing: Bokuto Koutaro x Fem! Reader

Warnings: none? Fluff? Idk

Y/n: your name

Y/f/s: means your favorite sport.

Word count: 1,211

A/N: this is my first fic ever, so sorry if the story lines all over the place so I would appreciate any type of feedback you guys have to give for me to improve. English is not my first language so if there is any grammar mistakes let me know too! It doesn't have that much plot if I'm being honest because I'm still learning to arrange my writing ideas lol. Anyways let me know what you guys think! :)

If you guys want to me write about someone else and of another category like angst or smut, let me know too.  <3

You met Bokuto when you were 17, you decided to spent your last year of high school in Fukurodani, truth is you didn't even know what you were doing there, one day you suddenly got an opportunity for a scholarship in Toyko, the next you were on a plane on the move to one of Japans most prestigious schools. To say you were excited was an understatement, you were ready for a fresh start, a new country, a new school, new friends, and overall new opportunities  that would totally open paths to make something with your life.

Your first week on the premises was a little bit hectic, of course you were the new girl and everyone wanted to know who you were, and where you'd come from, during the end of that week, you had your first interaction with Bokuto, he began by letting you know how he was the captain of the boys volleyball club, and if you ever needed help around school being new and all didn't hesitate to look for him or Akaashi.

Akaashi was a quite guy, someone who liked to keep his thoughts inside his head, he was calm, compossed and he radiated confidence. One of the reason both of you became acquaintances very fast, was because the to of you shared the some amount of classes together, even tho you were a third year, you still needed to catch on assignments you had not taken before. Bonding over either games, food or classes you two started hanging out often whether it was at lunch or after school, and that sometimes included seeing Bokuto every once in a while.

You didn't know how to describe your relationship with the ace, it wasn't weird to be precise but you weren't best of friends either, he had a bright personality making him shine everytime he entered the room you on the other hand were a little bit more reserved, don't get me wrong that didn't mean you couldn't get wild everyonce in a while and make yourself noticed when you needed to, but that wasn't very often. That was your biggest difference with Bokuto, you sometimes found him annoying and he sometimes thought you were a stuck up bitch, but despite those issues you still found yourself attracted to the ace and oh boy you were doomed, not only did Akaashi knew about your little crush but he always tried to make you pursue it.

You never really wanted to that though, between him not having time for anything but volleyball, you didnt have that much time to spare either. Ever since your first month in the prefacture you have proposed yourself to become the best female (y/f/s) player in Japan, that's why you were given the scholarship for Fukurodani in the first place to make the team win nationals and make a name out of yourself.

That day soon came, your team had finally made it to (y/f/s) National Finals, days prior to your final match the boys had let you know that they've already won volleyball nationals and they were counting on your team to make the Academy the best in Tokyo. You were in the dressing room getting your shoes on remembering the words of your friends "we are counting on your team", thinking of that didn't ease your nerves at all, you were already on edge because your future depended on this win, not only yours to be exact but all of your teammates as well. The boys came in to show their support at the match, the pressure was on you, you wanted to make everyone proud, your teammates, your friends, your parents who were even watching the stream of your match, today was the day you were going to make yourself and the team known to the whole country.

Five minutes before your game, you spotted a spiked gray haired boy approaching you, seeing one of the persons you loved the most before your match made you feel safe and ready for taking on this challenge

"Hi y/n, how are you feeling?" He said as he took a sit next to you on the bleachers

"Im fine Kou, just a little bit nervous that's all" you chucked as you play with the end of your jersey, feeling anxious about the game ahead of you.

"Your games starting soon so I need to move to the other side, but I just wanted to tell you, that I'm so proud of you, I know we haven't been that close at all these year, but believe me it's been amazing to see your overcome yourself and become an outstanding player, you've always have been" the ace said with a little bit of shyness in his voice, he had always admired  y/n from afar as they didn't hang out as often as they did when they met, but he knew he would always had a soft spot for her in his heart.

Y/n stood up and gave a kiss to the ace forehead and said, "Thank you Kou, hearing that from the best ace in Japan, makes me feel special, I'm so proud of you too Koutaro, you inspire me the most every day"

The ace stood up of from his seat with a frown on his face before leaving and said "But I'm not the best ace in Japan y/n"

"In my heart you are and always be Bokuto Koutarou" you said as you ran off to the court, before the match started.

Your statement left Bokuto perplexed but at the same time eased his mind and his worries about whether you felt the same way about him as he felt for you.

Only 5 minutes left on the clock and neither team has scored a decisive point, the pressure was on, the moment you got the ball you knew this was your moment to help the team win this game. Making your way through your opponent's defense, you started thinking how you were going to score, if you were going to make, if you were going to get blocked, if you had enough time to even make a play, but the moment Bokuto yelled "you can make it y/n, I believe in you" you knew this was your shot and you were going to make it, 10 seconds left on the clock, you shoot the ball and all you hear before the timer gets to zero is "Let's go Fukurodani!"

The screams of your teammates and the audience make your senses go wild, making you turn to see the score, you've won, you made your team win, your team had won nationals!! You were utterly shocked, sitting on the floor smiling to yourself, when you saw the ace running towards you, before you could've even noticed he tackled you to the ground murmuring on your neck over and over how proud he was of you and how good you were, the moment he looked up to meet your gaze, you smiled to him and hugged him back, laying on the gym floor, hugging over your victory, that's how you found yourself trapped and strangely comfortable underneath the arms of everyones favorite ace Bokuto Koutaro.

[sparrowwritings]

Reporting on Something Unforeseen

So this is based off of a Final Fantasy 14 dual Warrior of Light AU that @thedovahcat and I came up with. The basic idea is that the events of the game are the same but some of the further (spoilerific) implications have drastically changed. Not to mention that the two are about 17 years old, so there’s some more character-based interactions that are slightly different but in a way that we find fun (which is kinda the point of AUs lol).

This takes place early early on in the story quests.

Roger belongs to her, Lara belongs to me, everyone else is from the game itself.

_____________________________________________________________

There is quite a lot of debate surrounding the nature of fate. Does it exist? If so, how much control does it have over the lives of men and beastmen? If not, then are our actions beholden unto the Gods, the mother crystal or something else entirely?

My master is of a mind that it doesn’t matter if fate exists. What truly matters is what one does with the life given to you, and what others remember you by. Most of the time, I’m inclined to agree with her. Yet, there are times when I witness something that has me pause and consider such questions with genuine curiosity. After all, all creatures great and small are connected to the world in various ways--that events should happen that could only happen because of a predetermined path set by said connections wouldn’t be entirely farfetched, at least in the short term.

But since this letter is not to be an essay on the nature of fate, I must describe to you the incident that has most recently caused me to think such things. I believe you will be most interested in this, even to the point of forgiving me for waxing philosophical for so long in this preamble. 

Just this morn, I had returned to Limsa Lominsa after having patrolled and noted the levels of aether near where the beastmen tribes tend to gather. (See the attached report that are included with this letter.) I had been about to write a far more formal letter when I espied the boy that Papalymo and Yda recently introduced to our little group, Roger Briden. It wasn’t hard to notice him--Roger’s eyes were the size of dinner plates as he wandered through the streets of the floating city. He was lucky he wasn’t in Ul’dah, though I suspect that the local pickpockets were disappointed about what little money he had on his person.

Part of me wanted to hail him and see what he was up to, but some instinct held me back. I listened to it and followed the boy. His path was meandering, but the general direction never wavered. It was as if Roger’s feet were following the directive of something his mind wasn’t privy to. 

Soon enough, the destination he was drawn to was evident: the Culinarian Guild and the restaurant that it employs with its members. Again, he stared about the place as if to drink up the sight of something new. I was again inclined to get his attention when a commotion from inside drew the boy and subsequently myself. 

There was some sort of celebration to be had regarding one of the guild’s younger members. I recognized her as someone that I have written about before: Lara Marner. As you may recall, she is predominantly a culinarian by trade. Nonetheless she is a skilled fighter and is known to assist the Yellowjackets with local problems as handily as any adventurer. The girl also has the same knack of being in the area of curious spikes in aetheric resonance that Roger does. 

At this point you might be realizing what direction this tale will go, but I must report what I witnessed with as much accuracy as possible for your consideration.

Having saved the life of another guild member, the master had offered a round of drinks to everyone in the restaurant in Lara’s name. She accepted the praise and adulation with a humility (and awkwardness) I’ve only seen in Roger before. For his part, he seemed to get caught up in the celebration and swept into being seated at a small table. A drink had been placed in his hands, but the boy ignored it in favor of trying to figure out who was being lauded. 

Instinct demanded I stay on the outskirts of the joviality. I now realize that this was so that I could have the perfect seat for what was about to happen.

Lara, after being thoroughly toasted for her heroism, made her way through the crowd to take the orders of awaiting patrons. Roger had gotten tired of waiting to see who was being cheered and stood up to leave just as she was heading in his direction. The greetings she had on her lips died the moment their eyes locked. Were this to have happened in a play, all other activity should have ceased around them. As it stood, only those two were still in the lively room for a prolonged moment.

And then the two pitched forward--each clutching their own heads in a discomfort you will be all too familiar with. Miraculously, they didn’t collide with how much violence the visions seized them with. It was then that I made my way to them at the same time as another--the master of the Culinarian Guild. Together, we made certain that the two were seated at the previously unoccupied table to be certain that any potential fainting spells could be circumvented. 

A brief conversation with him confirmed that Lara had indeed had such moments before, though never with such ferocity. He perfectly described what she must have told him--of the dream of Her voice calling out her name along with “Hear, Feel, Think,” and the visions that came from said dream of events never described but nonetheless known to her. All clear signs that, like Roger and yourself, Lara indeed possessed the Echo. 

Self-flagellation is the primary talent of Thancred, so instead I will apologize for not having discovered her before now and promise to make it up to you in whatever way you so choose at a later date.

Whatever it was that the two had seen while under the Echo’s effects, the moment they returned to this realm it was as if the two had been friends for years despite having only met just moments before. They spoke at length with such speed and enthusiasm that I quickly lost track of the plot of the conversation. The chatter of the children was enough to calm the worries of the master enough for him to leave them to me to handle. 

I have since been chaperoning Lara and Roger as she gives him a grand tour of the city. As I am writing, we have stopped by the marketplace for the two to browse the merchants’ wares. The two of them get distracted easily enough that I knew that a report could be written long before they could wander away once more.

Which brings me back to the topic of fate. How was it that Roger was led to the Culinarian’s Guild at that exact moment? The two have lives about as far apart as could be. He, a carer of chocobos in Gridania. She, a culinarian in Limsa Lominsa. Their lives shouldn’t have had the chance to interact. And yet, his notable deeds in the Black Shroud gave him permission and a task to come to La Noscea. And from there in a moment of whimsy Roger was able to discover another Echo user. One that had also made a name for herself with helping her fellow man in noteworthy ways. Was it chance or destiny that made such a series of events possible?

You need not reply to such musings, for there is a far more important question for all of us to consider.

Should we invite Lara Marner into the Scions? The people I have spoken with about her deeds sing her praises in similar ways that those who spoke well of Roger do. I will of course also attach what I have learned about her to this report for you to pass along to the others. 

I will await your reply in Limsa. Now that she knows my face (and Roger has been adorably gushing about how “amazing” I am) I feel that whatever is decided she will accept the information from me well enough.

Regards,

Y’shtola

[nicknellie]

Honestly time just doesn’t exist anymore lol. Sadly I didn’t have an hour or so until now so I hope I can ‘ask’ this soon. (Same to you, good whatever time of day it is for you!)

Box stuff: (honestly that’s a bit hilarious because we have shifted so far from box stuff and I think this is where Reggie taking people‘s baby pictures came from)

1. I love how you have classic teenage boy angst starting with caps that’s funny. And very true, Alex will come over as soon as he can and tell Luke how much of an idiot he’s being but affectionately (also in the way that friends can but if parents tried to do the same you wouldn’t listen yk)

Yes, mom and son bonding time. I just love the idea of Alex telling Emily everything that’s happening while they are cleaning or making food is adorable. And Emily spreading gossip is everything (also Luke’s childhood stories because what best friend doesn’t want to lovingly tease their friend)

Wait I love that idea. Personally I don’t feel like Alex or Reggie would go to their parents just because it seems as if they left on bad terms. Although Luke did leave on bad terms with his parents as well, I just feel that checking in on them once is something that he would want to do. Also that last sentence is sad, kind of shows that when something happens to someone there will always be another person who is affected by this. That you can’t always tie up loose ends, for example in the show we see the boys say just before ‘the band is back’ that in those 25 years they don’t know what happened to their friends or their family. So it’s easy to assume that they had friends outside of the band and whomever they are possibly the boys would’ve wanted to say something to them but they never got a chance to. (Also I’ve seen theories where the boys have siblings which if this is true then maybe one of them could go back to that sibling/s)

Yea the song is sad. Also could relate to Julie and how she lost her mom that how in the show. They kind of dance around the fact that the boys are some thing that Rose sent down to her ‘you were an angel in the shape of my mom’.

(Also if you want another sad song, ‘soon you’ll get better’ by Taylor Swift because if Rose did die from cancer like some theories I’ve seen have suggested then this song which is very emotional and kind of talks about this as well could relate to Julie and her mom as well) (I promise you can throw some sad songs my way as well, I know I’m just throwing really sad ones at you lol)

Anyways, going back to the actual conversation. I believe that we did say Emily and Julie are close because they’ve met before and just in general after Julie gave her that song they became closer. But yes they hear it one day and just get so upset, maybe someday Julie plays it for Emily and Mitch 🥺

3. I love that, also adding onto this Willie is basically the same way however his experiments don’t turn out nearly as well also he’s just in love with the fact that Alex can legitimately not use a recipe book but make some thing extraordinary. But yes, Luke and Reggie are horrified especially when Alex throws the recipe book. ‘Bye bye Mr. Recipe Book’ as you said.

Board games and jam:

1. Yes, exactly. Reggie just starts laughing when Alex throws that one but quickly stops when Alex throws one at him as well

Exactly, his weapon of choice is his drumsticks, which may not seem threatening but seeing as which Alex is rather tall and weirdly has very good aim they hurt when he throws them.

That is what I was picturing, like Caleb just looks in shock for a second because how dare someone throw drumsticks at him, but at the same time someone threw a drumstick at him.

Among us

Yes, Alex is always annoyed how everyone voted for him with no prove. So he always tries to sabotage Luke, every chance he has.

Alex kind of gives up not talking to Willie after about 10 minutes, his puppy dog eyes convince Willie to never do that again. (Also because Alex has no problems killing Willie if needed)

Honestly everyone just kills Luke first and he gets upset about it but everyone is laughing. Also exactly, if he doesn’t die first then he is usually the imposter.

Accessories- I actually looked at them before I made my comments and I completely forgot about the hat as well but I saw it and I was like oh that’s such a Reggie move. Yes that is exactly why Carlos has the paper bag.

Honestly Flynn being competitive is everything and very true. Also yes, she is totally impatient like I’ve read these rules probably three times and this decision is taking forever so give money.

Alex just sneaking Willie money is very in character and I love that. Alex just being like no is similar to how he says it during the ‘girls am I right’ scene

Honestly monopoly just takes forever and sometimes people just don’t have the patience for that also as you said arguments are a very real thing that happen. (honestly part of the reason why I said Flynn is competitive because depending on the game I can be the same exact way)

Oh yes, Flynn is just like you’re trying to accuse me of cheating and you’re trying to pretend that we haven’t seen you smuggling Willie cash this entire time, Sure Alex.

Oh my goodness, and while Reggie is avoiding Luke. Alex in the background just casually says something like ‘now you know how I feel.’

Numbers:

2. Exactly, and of course Alex is just like Aw Willie is laughing so I may forgive this for now but you’re still replacing this.

Yea I’m hoping that Arthur will grow on me. Also I just haven’t had a lot of time to Address to his character aside from like the two interactions with Merlin who honestly if anything kind of starts the fright.

Exactly. Alex just being done with Luke 24/7, ‘I’ve had to save him 25 times so far, how is that possible’

6. That’s hilarious because Alex is freaking out over this cute hair flip however at the same time he is in the thought processes of ‘oh I have to act cool in front of my best friends because they will definitely tease me more later, so what should I do’

Exactly, honestly I don’t blame you and I totally support that writing decision lol. (On that note best of luck with your other requests, also with school because it seems like it’s been a tiny bit stressful and I don’t mean to over impose but I just hope you’re doing well!)

8. Oo I’m excited for the tangent. I completely agree they are the perfect recipe for a band because their strengths are each other’s weaknesses so they’re able to balance each other out so well. Also in a way where one of them won’t get a big head or anything.

Luke- exactly, and although he does have his insecurities the others are able to balance this and help him out just as much as he helps them. Especially where he is kind of like the leader of the band unofficially with being the lead singer and everything it’s easier for him to possibly get cocky or something but we don’t see that. More often then not, as you mentioned it he tries to be there for his band and make sure that they are doing well before he thinks about himself.

Reggie- precisely, honestly I feel like some people don’t recognize how important an instrument is until you don’t hear it anymore (will bring this up later with Alex). And if they didn’t have the bass line and the one set of back up vocals that Reggie provides (Alex/Bobby as well) then the songs would definitely be lacking some thing. He has such an incredible vocal range, which I feel like is shown rather well in stand tall because although he doesn’t have a lot of solos. It kind of shines very well in the solos he has in that song. (Also the actor in general just released an EP which also not only displays his musical ability with the instruments he can play but his vocal ability as well)

Also, as you mentioned his kind of role as the happy one kind of balances out Luke’s go with the flow, (honestly not sure for Bobby they haven’t shown his character a lot to know but possibly another voice of reason) and Alex who can overthink things and can be mature.

Alex- kind of like what I said earlier. When Alex says get ‘woke these are sensitive times’ due to Luke saying that they didn’t need to have a drummer for that song (later we see that Alex is drumming in that song) if they didn’t have a drummer for that song then the entire tone of the song would’ve been changed because they didn’t have percussion and it possibly could’ve been overwhelmed with string instruments.

Agreed, it’s easier for the drummer to be overlooked but he keeps the rest of the band on track and if the one that the boys fall to if something goes wrong (for example when they appear and Julie starts freaking out, Alex says that he should handle it and the boys let him immediately).

Bobby- Yes, I feel like if season two focuses on the past of Sunset Curve a bit more then it will be easier for us to see what exactly his dynamic is in the band. Exactly, they would be lost without having Bobby in their band. And as you mentioned, he is part of the glue that holds them together from our previous discussions as him being a counselor and who the band would turn to.

I love how you described it because you’re completely right. Without the other three there then it’s easier for Bobby to feel more alone because now he doesn’t have his support system that he’s relied on for who knows how many years. Also as you mentioned he doesn’t have the band reminding him to either let loose a little bit or when to stop so he’s easier to manipulate if that’s the direction that the show wants to take. Honestly I just don’t want to think about Alex or Reggie or Luke being alone that night but exactly, they would be a mess without each other.

11. Honestly Reggie just forgetting to mention that he met celebrities at their concert and stuff is such a in character move.

(Noted, we can just pretend that it happened in like 1994 lol)

17. Oh my goodness, I know we mentioned that Reggie had a Caleb scrapbook. However honestly I forgot about that and it’s hilarious to think about Nick having his own page in that scrapbook due to when Caleb. possessed him.

Oh my goodness, yes. Just like ‘I get that you are trying to take our souls however I want your baby pictures right now’ - Reggie.

Honestly I just want Caleb to be good just because not only is the fashion incredible but Cheyenne Jackson is such a phenomenal singer and it would be sad if due to the character being a villain that eventually they had to get rid of him.

Precisely, he just want to protect them all and he totally would love Julie for the reasons that you said.

I love the idea of Reggie just walking into the White House and basically everyone jumping out of their seats and helping Reggie take over the world.

19. Exactly, they seem to have a very good alliance between them however as the snow fight continues they all just switch sides and eventually it is just Willie and Carlos, Julie and Reggie, and Luke and Alex. (they are really bad at keeping alliances, in the end everyone has had an alliance with everyone) (and or just keep the teams I mentioned but they are definitely chaotic enough for every team possible to happen)

20. Same here, and it’s just so easy to tell that they are close together which makes the their chemistry on screen seem really believable. (Friends, ect)

Exactly, they do you have a few moments however it’s that way for every actor and some of those may just depend on personal preference. Also for quite a few of them as they get more experience than how they act will definitely improve and honestly just seeing how phenomenal they are now, I can’t wait for that to happen

Honestly yes, just jealous Willie I guess. Also just completely ignoring what is happening on screen and what the show is literally trying to show them.

I agree ,because although I feel like it would be interesting if somehow the theory was in the show. At the same time I just feel like it would overwhelm the show and it would be easier for Caleb to turn nice then for him to not be the one at fault. That’s an interesting theory, honestly I didn’t think of him handing over HGC over to Willie and is a new take that may be nice to explore, if the show wishes to.

Honestly, Luke and Flynn‘s friendship does deserve its own post. And legitimately if anyone messes with Julie then they would have to run because not only would Flynn and Luke have problems with them but the rest of the ghost boys alongside Caleb probably would come after them as well.(And the family)

21. Phew, I’m glad you I agree because I legitimately have no reasoning for that except for I just want to see Alex just casually say one day that he got arrested and have Willie just be so startled.

Oh yeah Reggie and Luke would start the fire but Alex would be the reason that it’s continuing to burn while Bobby is just unbothered on the side. Going with the Sunset Curve graffiti, that’s exactly what happened but if any asks they have no clue how it got there.

25. I’m just imagining Carrie accidentally being turned the wrong way for some of the conversation and then she faces Willie and although he was laughing before he all of a sudden gets really serious. (Although it’s Luke’s and Reggie‘s shovel talk that makes him the most afraid)

I love how you’re like it’s not because I want Flynn and Carrie to be together however that’s basically the entire reason. (I embellished a little bit but yeah) But I do agree, I feel like Carrie and Nick could have such a great potential to be friends. I love how you said that it’s Caleb who says yes to going back to Carrie that makes her suspicious not anything else that he does.

26. Oh my goodness, a little list to annoy Alex.

32. Honestly the fact that Alexander‘s Reggie back to the park manager with a batch of cookies is such a mom friend to do and a very in character move for Alex.

37. Legitimately Reggie is just banned from using laundry mostly because Alex and Luke were very horrified that day which they never want to experience again. Yes, and it wasn’t even a colour that made sense but one that theoretically is supposed to be impossible but Reggie managed to do the impossible.

I also love the little detail of candles being banned from the studio because Luke once out his arm in it. Also going off of that Luke and Reggie are also banned from using lighters just because they think arson is fun and would definitely try to set something on fire.

Oh my goodness, Luke being on fire and Alex just being done ‘Luke we are dead it’s not going to hurt’, and Julie is just saying something along the lines of how did this even happen. (Reggie is kind of panicking as well but he is probably the reason why Luke is on fire)

I love the fact that Julie is the first person who believed Reggie about having the Queen‘s baby pictures because that is adorable. Also just because a Reggie and Julie friendship is needed so much.

Good whatever time of day it is for you (honestly love that lmao)! 100%, time hasn’t existed since like March which is why I accidentally slept from four til nine and am now answering this at half midnight because I’m unable to sleep and also it’s brilliant, but anyway!

Box Stuff (oh yeahhh this is where the baby photos came from!)

1. Lmao I love that idea, Alex comes in and sees Luke like sat amongst utter chaos and he just goes “Luke, that was dumb” about whatever he did and Luke just grumbles “I know” obviously doing the angry puppy face. Also I love that detail, like if a parent said it then it’d be unacceptable but it’s a friend so it’s fine, I totally get that. He’s like “this is what I think you should do” and Luke grudgingly listens.

Side note: the way we’ve been talking about Alex is really really strongly reminding me of one of my irl friends and this is literally nothing to do with any of this but I’m now projecting her onto Alex so I wanna headcanon that Alex was really close with teachers. Not in a weird way, like they just got on well with him because he was a good student and he was bright and happy when he wanted to be, and he was mature and well-mannered and everyone he ever met would do anything for him. It’s not like he was a teacher’s pet, it was more like they trusted him and were friendly with him and tended to give him higher grades because he was so nice.

Anyway, idk if that made sense, but back to the actual points! Omggg yes Emily telling Alex all Luke’s stories! (Like places he got stuck as a child bc as we know Luke will get stuck anywhere 😂) Alex starts bringing them up whenever Luke is being particularly annoying - “bold words for someone who cried when they met Mickey Mouse at Disneyworld” and bonus points if Emily happens to be in the room (like they’re at Luke’s house or whatever) smirking to herself because she loves her boys

You put this so beautifully omg 🥺 I think you’re definitely right about all of this, Alex and Reggie would have not wanted to see their parents and given that opportunity to Luke instead. And like yeah exactly!! Alex says they had other friends but we never hear anything about them and it makes me wonder what they did when the band died. Also this got me thinking about tributes the school would have held for them and all the different things going on in their honour, and people being careful with Bobby (like people were with Julie after Rose died) because he’s been so down and them all carefully offering their condolences and saying they’re sorry for his loss and ouch. Oooh yes personally I really like the idea of Alex having a sister who’s quite a lot younger than him like ten years but I think that’s just me projecting, no matter what I definitely think he had a sister. It says in the show that Luke was an only child (and sidenote: that made me headcanon that Mitch and Emily really struggled to have kids, possibly going through infertility treatment and Luke was the only child they didn’t lose during pregnancy but they still ended up losing him anyway), and also I like the idea that Reggie had an older brother who he didn’t see much. I think Alex would have liked to see his sister again but Reggie wouldn’t have minded either way about seeing his brother

I haven’t heard that song but I’ll make sure to listen to it in the morning! And I’m so glad you said I could suggest songs lol because I literally only heard this for the first time about an hour ago but I’m already in love with it - Don’t Stop... by Oasis is literally such a beautiful song and I can definitely imagine it as something Rose wrote to Julie, Ray and Carlos like Wake Up before she died, or alternatively a song sort of similar but not really to Unsaid Emily, more like Luke trying to comfort Emily. It’s less sad and more sort of comforting and emotional, but it’s absolutely gorgeous!

Omggg Julie playing that for Mitch and Emily, I would cryyyy. I feel like the Patterson’s have a piano so Julie would be at their house one day and start playing the chords and humming along and Emily and Mitch would watch as she slowly starts singing and it turns into a proper performance and everyone’s crying by the end omg I love it

3. Lmao that’s great, Willie sees Alex improvise and is like “how hard can it be?” and tries it by himself and almost sets the kitchen on fire. Alex just isn’t even surprised and helps him clean up, then the next time Willie wants to do it Alex helps him - turns out Willie should just be banned from the kitchen at all costs because even with Alex there it still ends up going wrong. And I love that, how Luke and Reggie would just be horrified when Alex throws the book away. Like Luke would go and get it from the trash or wherever Alex chucked it across the room and would nervously say “you need this buddy?” but Alex just waves him away like “NO it’s stupid get it out of my sight”

Board Games and Jam

1. Pfffft this whole thing literally made me laugh out loud. Reggie thinking it’s hilarious but his face immediately falling when Alex is against him, immediately trying to backpedal.

Also I read it wrong bc I thought it said “Alex is weirdly tall” and I was like I’m pretty sure he’s not like much over six foot that’s normal??? Then I read it properly and was like oh ok that makes more sense. And also you’re right, like a drumstick may be a flimsy piece of wood but Alex has perfected his technique and good god it hurts if it hits you

Lmao that’s exactly what I was imagining too! Caleb just looking completely flabbergasted because How Dare someone throw something at him?? And while he’s still looking shocked, another drumstick hits him. He starts to look annoyed more than shocked and another drumstick hits him. Eventually, he carries on with his evil speech, now looking resigned and a little fed up because he’s still being pelted with drumsticks and can’t figure out where Alex is getting them all from

Among Us

Wait yeah I love that, I wanna build on that a little - he gave up on not talking to him because Willie was sat next to him and continuously poking him while saying “I said I’m sorry hotdog please love me” and Alex literally can’t resist, so he’s like “fine on one condition” then whips out the puppy dog eyes and asks Willie never to do it again and Willie agrees instantly. Alex kills him literally the next round.

It gets to the point where if someone finds Luke’s body and there was no one near it at the time then they’ll just ignore it and won’t even call an emergency meeting bc they can’t accuse anyone of being sus because it could literally be any one of them unless someone was running away from the body. Luke gets annoyed so quickly and won’t do his tasks as a ghost because everyone is laughing at him and being mean about his death

Exactly! Flynn has the rules memorised word for word and if someone tries to do something they can’t she will literally be out of her seat like “NO bitch play by the rules, why can none of you play this game properly?!” and everyone is like “... calm down all he did was accidentally move his piece three spaces instead of two. chill.”

YES LOL that’s exactly what the “no” is like absjdldl

I love that so much, also because I feel like they wouldn’t really talk much outside of game nights and stuff - like Willie would be good friends with Flynn so Alex would talk to her whenever they all hang out, but most of the time it’s just them as a group so their interactions are almost always them arguing about the rules of Monopoly. The only time they’re in agreement is if Luke (and only Luke) does something wrong then they will gang up on him, Flynn bc the rules are very important to her and Alex bc he thinks it’s funny

Literally same, tbh I’m usually the one who starts arguments during any board game so it’s good we can both project our competitiveness onto Flynn 😂😂

Pffffft yeah lmao Alex just has no sympathy for Reggie’s struggle

Numbers

2. Omg that’s great lmao, love how you just slightly changed the 25 years quote. I’d like to add “You know what else is rude? Not thanking me for literally saving your life. Get woke, these are sensitive times.”

6. It leads to a disastrous conversation that goes something like Willie saying something and Alex giving a panicked response then Willie replying and Alex attempting to give a chill response bc the guys are watching and the whole thing ends up awkward

Unrelated sort of, but it kinda reminds me of this scene in a show called Miranda (idk if you’ve ever watched it? Again it’s one of my all-time favourite shows. It’s getting an American remake actually called Call Me Kat which Cheyenne Jackson is in!!) where the main character Miranda is talking to the love interest Gary. Basically they’ve not seen each other in years and so Gary asks what’s going on in her life and she tells him she’s an Olympic gymnast. Later he asks if she’s seeing anyone, she says she’s married and has two kids called Orlando and Bloom. Gary says he’s single and she’s like “oh me too” so he asks about the husband and kids and she’s like “we’re divorced now. The kids are... dead” anyway yeah now I wanna write a Miranda AU lmao

8. Luke - exactly!! His selflessness can be dangerous sometimes bc he might just forget to take care of himself but the others balance it out. Also yeah it would be so easy for him to get cocky but he just doesn’t because the band means so much to him!

Reggie - yes to all of that! His solo in Stand Tall is beautiful, and I legit can’t remember if I brought this up before but my favourite Reggie lyric is that “today!!” in Now or Never because it’s just amazinggg. And yes!! Jeremys new music is literally so good, I haven’t listened to all of it but like you said it’s such a great display of his abilities and he’s so so so underrated within the fandom and in general

Alex - yes!! That’s the perfect example because even luke doesn’t realise how important Alex’s part is and like that’s Luke of all people

Wait yeah that’s a great example! Alex keeps them on track by trying to calm Julie - I mean, admittedly he doesn’t do a great job (“wHy ArE yOu In OuR sTuDiO?!”) but they know that he’ll be the best guy for the job

Bobby - exactly I just wish we had more information from the show to go on for him!!

And ok ok ok just this got me thinking - imagine if it had been Luke left alone that night. He finds that his three brothers are dead and he’s just completely lost. It suddenly feels like his dreams have been crushed because he doesn’t want to go on with music without the band. He doesn’t know where to go, but he feels himself longing for home. So he goes to the studio but it doesn’t feel like home anymore. Without the other guys there, making noise, or staying quiet, or laughing and joking or making their music, it doesn’t feel like the home Luke had considered it before - it just feels like a room, a draughty old garage with shattered memories and newfound loneliness. But he’s still aching to go home, he just doesn’t know where that is anymore. He walks, and he keeps walking, trying to find somewhere that feels accepting and welcome but nowhere fits. He doesn’t even really know where his feet are taking him. Eventually he stops walking and he looks at where he is, and he sees that he has stopped outside his house, at the end of the driveway. Through the window he can see Emily knitting and he’s reminded of Bobby, and he sees Mitch doing a crossword in the paper and he’s reminded of Reggie, and he sees a Cake cooling on the counter and he’s reminded of Alex, but also he can just see Mitch and Emily. He walked himself back to his parents. He walked himself home. And he has no idea what he’s going to do or say but he walks up to the door for the first time in months and he knocks and it’s Emily who answers and for a moment they stare at each other and without a word they both move to hug one another. They’re crying, quietly, and Emily whispers into his ear, disbelievingly, “you’re home” and he realises then that yes, he is. He comes in, tells them everything that happened, and from then on they support him and help him pursue a solo career - he dedicates all his songs to his fallen family.

17. That mini Reggie quote literally made me snort with laughter. And Caleb’s response is just like to wave him away like “fine fine you can have them next week”

Exactly!! As brilliant as Cheyenne Jackson is at decadent villain songs, I’d rather get rid of those and have him turn good than defeat him and have him leave the show :(

19. Wait yeah I love that! Eventually every alliance falls apart because they can’t resist attacking each other. It’s Willie who makes his way through everyone the fastest because if he sees a moment to get his partner he will not hesitate

20. Yeah you put that so perfectly!

Ooooh exactly! Seeing as this is a totally new fandom it’s going to be exciting thi at we get to watch it grow and watch them grow with it as they get better and better and hopefully the show gets better with them (if that’s even possible, it’s already pretty perfect). And also I can’t wait to see them in more stuff! Like most of them have already been in other things but for the most part they weren’t well-known but now they are so they should be able to grow as actors because of that too which is exciting

Yeah totally there is definitely such thing as too many villains and I don’t think anyone can top Caleb anyway. And yeah, I’d so love to see Willie take over the HGC because he would make it so fun and also probably turn half of it into a skatepark

Anyone: *messes with Julie*

Luke, Flynn, Alex, Reggie, Willie, Ray, Carlos, Caleb, Nick, Carrie, Trevor, Rose’s spirit: You’d better start running.

21. No I can totally see it happening! Like Willie almost definitely got arrested when he was alive too so one day he mentions it and Alex is just reminiscently like “I remember when I spent the night in jail” and Willie is just ???????

Yeah they’re like “oh the Sunset Curve graffiti? Idk man we’ve got some pretty crazy fans out there. It definitely wasn’t us doing it because Reggie needed cheering up and crime always does the trick.”

25. Lmfao that’s brilliant. Carrie turns around with a face like thunder and Willie is immediately like “oh god I’m already dead but I think she’s gonna kill me again”. Honestly most of her talking would just be her saying “Alex is the sweetest, nicest, funniest, cutest, kindest, most thoughtful, [list of other adjectives for Alex] and I will keep him far out of your reach if you hurt him” and yeah like you said Luke and Reggie are scarier because they’re like “we will literally kill you a second time if you ever make him even a little bit sad” Meanwhile I imagine Julie just off in the corner shaking her head because she knows Willie is a sweetheart and would never hurt Alex so doesn’t need to give him the talk

Ajdbdksk you saw right through that huh 😂😂 it’s not my fault they’re perfect for each other lmaooooo

32. Yes!! I love the idea of Reggie finally getting back to his friends with the ranger. His jacket is all covered in dirt and Alex brushes it off him while saying “never wander off again, Reginald, we were worried sick, anything could have happened to you” and all this. Then the next day Alex hands over the cookies to Reggie and is like “take these to that nice park ranger, it’s the least we can do”

37. Reggie managing to do the impossible is a theme we’re making kinda and I’m loving it! He just has a knack for doing the impossible and most of the time it’s just absolutely terrifying or confusing so that means the guys just don’t trust Reggie with complicated things because he’ll do them but in the weirdest way possible (I hope that made sense but i don’t think it did 😂)

“Because they think arson is fun” lmaooo perfect. If ever Alex or Bobby or Julie finds out they have a lighter on them for any reason they get put in the Time-Out Corner and they literally act like preschoolers about it.

Reggie being the reason Luke is on fire that’s freaking hilarious omg, it’s the one time Alex didn’t realise he had a lighter and of course it ends in disaster. He’s only panicking bc he feels bad and also he’s annoyed because now Alex knows he had a lighter and he’s gonna get put in time-out

YES omg ok I really really really want a Reggie and Julie duet. I made a post about it the other day but honestly I need one right now. It can be called “the Queen’s Baby Photos”

[joonsgalaxy]

hold still (m)

pairing: CEO!taehyung x reader

genre: smut

prompt: 12, requested by anon. “i’m a government worker and i had to seduce you for a case but i’m starting to like you legitimately” AU

word count: 2150

warnings: dom!Taehyung; daddy kink

a/n: this has been posted a while ago, but it was flagged as sensitive, so i’m reposting. btw, this was my first time writing smut so try not to judge me too much k? oh, and don’t put random objects up your cupcake irl, this is just fiction where nobody has to deal with consequences of such things lol

The first time you met Kim Taehyung in that bar you didn't think you'll end up bent over the expensive desk in his office. The first time you saw him you had a task and you were adamant about completing it immaculately; you had no idea that some weeks later he'd be edging you with his fingers until you were trembling with insane desire. The first time your gaze landed upon his well-built shape adorned in the most luxurious suit you'd ever seen you were determined to do your job well; you didn't know you'd be whining and squirming now beneath his palm. When your eyes met his for the first time you were about to seduce him for information and never see him again, yet here you were, two months later begging pathetically for his cock.

You worked for the government. You had to coax some information out from Kim Taehyung about his company, more specifically one of his employees. Some would say men don't talk about this delicate stuff openly with a woman they just met, but those people simply don't know what they're talking about. They probably don't work for the government, they don't have your looks and certainly they are not aware of the ways and tools to seduce a man, who works pretty much every minute of the day and is longing for some authentic, honest interaction. Well, that part is always fake on your side, but you're a professional, you know how to make it seem like it's real and natural.

Kim Taehyung didn't have any valuable information about his employee, you could see that on your first encounter. Yet he had something much more interesting, intriguing about himself that made you keep seeing him even after realising his obliviousness to the crimes of the employee. Kim Taehyung had a dazzling personality, striking intelligence, and frankly speaking, he was hot as fuck.

Three weeks into seeing each other he found out about your profession, about the reason he met you, and he, ahem, punished you for not confessing right away, but other than that, as odd as it might sound, he was pretty cool about it.

Well, maybe that was the exact reason two months after you first met him you found yourself doubting if trusting Taehyung was a good decision on your part. Maybe he was lying, maybe he even contributed to his worker's crimes and you were blinded by his seduction. You knew it was mostly the cynical part of you that was not letting you sleep at night, but eventually you realized you had to take action to make sure. You had to investigate.

You called your best friend Jeongguk–the computer expert—and asked for some help. He took care of the cameras and alarms of the building while you searched for black clothes in your closet and for a flashlight in your drawers.

With Jeongguk's voice in your ear you sneaked into the building, taking the stairs to get to the highest floor—to Taehyung's office. With the help of your skills from earlier tasks you searched for anything suspicious. Your fingers flew over the keyboard, your eyes scrutinized the documents in Taehyung's computer, your flashlight shone into the drawers of his desk, papers falling all around you.

Of course, you didn't manage to find anything illegal. Not a hint of him lying.

Just as you were about to tell Jeongguk you're ready to leave the place, he screamed in your ear making you jump. 'He's coming! Shit, how did I not notice it earlier?'

'Who's coming, Jeon?'

'Kim Taehyung! He'll be there soon, like real soon, you have ten seconds!'

That's why you ended up crouching under his desk and that's where he found you.

He asked for an explanation, and so you told him the truth. The doubts, the sleepless nights, the possibility of him not being truthful with you and, obviously, the fact that you realized all of that was utterly ridiculous.

To your pleasant surprise he just exhaled, shook his head, and then, in the most seductive of tones you've ever heard, he told you he'd have to punish you since 'you're such a bad girl, not trusting daddy.' Jeongguk took it as a cue to disconnect.

So here you were now, the side of your face pressed against the surface of Taehyung's desk, arms stretched out, fingers clutching the edge of it above your head, legs trembling and your whole body aching for release.

'What is it, baby girl?'

You could only whimper desperately in response as three of his fingers halted their merciless speed inside you. His other hand caressed the small of your back, black shirt pushed up to your bra.

'What do you want?'

It took immense effort to utter, 'Let me cum, please.' The voice sounded breathless, pathetic. You panted, he chuckled.

'Do you think you deserve it, mm?'

Probably not. Still you cried out a yes as his digits started their movements again. This time they were slow, so agonizingly slow. Slipping in and out. His palm turning up and down, his fingers massaging your walls in the most delicious of ways. Lewd, wet sounds filled the room. You thought you were going to pass out—your head was dizzy as though you floated somewhere above the mountains. Ah, fuck this weak attempt at poetry—your legs were quivering as though you'd just sprinted from one city to another with a serial killer following behind you; your arousal was dripping down your thighs as though you were storing a whole fucking ocean there. That's how Kim Taehyung made you feel. That's the effect he had on you.

He leaned down and whispered, 'I don't think you deserve it just yet.'

A strangled whine left your throat just as Taehyung's digits left your needy pussy.

'Get up,' he said, shoving a hand between your stomach and his desk.

He spun you around and damn he looked gorgeous. His pupils were dilated, fringe slightly damp with sweat and lip temptingly bitten as he levelled his wrist with your eyes. 'Do you see how desperate you are for me?'

His fingers, his wrist were glistening with your juices, your arousal trickling down his veiny forearm making your cheeks bloom in red and your tongue swipe across your lips. The sight was so delightfully sinful.

He tore the blouse off your body, along with your bra. He ogled you hungrily, gently squeezing one of your breasts.

Then he motioned you to lay on your back. You complied instantly. Of course, you did. The desire to finally bask in the breath-taking bliss that only he could bring you to was way too cosmic to ignore. You'd do anything he asked you to do.

Once you were on your back, he leaned down toward you, pressing his lips to your cheek and his palm to your core. 'I love how wet you get for me. So fucking ready for my cock.'

His filthy words set fire to the pit of your belly. You pushed yourself into his hand, seeking for some kind of relief; your hands came up to search for Taehyung's belt, which he did not appreciate at all.

'Uh-uh.' His palm was instantly drew away from your center to pin your wrists above your head. 'I didn't say you'd get it.'

You whined, yet another pathetic attempt to make him give in. It only made him smirk.

'I have something else planned for you, baby girl.' A wicked smile plastered his face, making you writhe beneath him in anticipation.

If he's going to bring you to the edge like this and then leave you hanging, though, he's going to regret it. It didn't even matter that you sort of earned this kind of ending yourself; you'd still think of ways to have your revenge on him.

Oh but it was something else that he had planned for you.

With one hand still clasped on your wrists, he grabbed the flashlight with the other one and flicked it on, pointing at your face. You got blinded for a second and fluttered your eyes closed. 'What're you doing?'

'Can you be a good girl for me?'

He turned off the flashlight, grazed the skin between your breasts with its edge. 'Mm? Answer me.'

His deep voice had never failed to send a wave of pleasure throughout your body. 'Y-yes, I'll be a good girl for you.'

He trapped his lip between his teeth, skimmed the flashlight across your stomach.

You were dazed, your skin hot with a sheen of sweat.

He too was affected. You saw his heaving chest. Inflating, deflating beneath his dress shirt. Whatever he had in his mind made his face flush in an alluring tint of pink. The sight of the evident bulge in his tight slacks elicited a soft moan from you.

Taehyung brought the flashlight to your left thigh, gliding it slowly, excruciatingly slowly toward your drenched folds. His dark eyes watched the flashlight collect your sticky arousal, and, when he pressed it against your entrance, a shiver of pleasure coursed through every eager cell of your quaking body.

He flicked the flashlight on again. 'Let's see just how ready you are.'

You licked your lips and gulped down a whimper, awaiting for the perfect stretch.

Your breath hitched, when he plunged the object into you. Your back arched at the blissful feeling, hands shifting around under Taehyung's firm hold.

'So desperate you'd take anything in.' He chuckled softly and thrusted the flashlight a few times, grazing your welcoming walls. Sonorous moans and whimpers filled the air around you. His dark eyes watching you and his skilful movements inflamed a certain pressure in the pit of your stomach making you squeeze your eyes shut.

'Be a good girl for daddy,' he murmured seductively, pushing the flashlight in deep, 'And hold it there for me.'

At that your eyes fluttered open. 'W-what?'

'Hold it there while I take care of something,' he said, then released your wrists and stepped away.

Taehyung plopped onto his desk chair as you were struggling to push yourself onto your elbows. You saw how wide his legs were spread, you felt how that prominent bulge was taunting you.

He reached for the phone on his desk while you murmured, 'This is so unfair.'

He simply smirked.

What the fuck is he doing?

He answered your inner questions by pressing a button and bringing the phone to his ear.

'I have a task for you,' he began, voice steady, unbothered with undertones of I'm-your-boss-so-you-better-listen-carefully, 'The cameras you installed two weeks ago, I want them changed. I want the whole security system changed.'

The need to snake your hand toward your throbbing clit was overwhelming. You clenched around the flashlight.

'Hire more guards. Release the contract with the current security company, find a new one.'

All you were thinking was that if he doesn't put the phone down right that second and fucks you into oblivion, you'll explode from the extreme desire and jump on him, ignoring his order to be a good girl.

You laid back down, averting your eyes, because damn the sight of Taehyung working—well, sort of—with a raging boner that you caused was just too much for your helpless body. It was getting warmer down there inside you by every passing second. The flashlight shone creating heat, awfully pleasurable heat.

'Taehyung, please,' you panted.

He brought his hand to your knee, squeezing it affectionately. 'You're doing so well,' he said, placing the phone down. 'Do you need to cum?'

'Yes!' Your exclamation made him chuckle yet again, but you couldn't care less. You just really, really needed to cum.

He dragged himself with the chair closer to you, pushing your thighs apart so he could situate his body between them. 'Such a good girl.'

He leaned down to place a kiss upon your pulsating clit. Your body shuddered in delight, hips coming up to chase his lips.

Everything else that happened after was like a blur. A blur of pure ecstasy, astounding pleasure and utter bliss. His experienced tongue moved against your clit in all the right ways. One hand caressed your thigh tenderly while the other was pumping the flashlight in and out of you until you were a moaning mess once again. His name resonated all around you countless of times. Your back arched. Your eyes shut tight.

A few more encouraging words from Taehyung and your mind went blank, your body felt weightless, blissful waves washing over you. Your thighs clamped around the man that brought you to such a heavenly state.

Once you had pushed Taehyung's head away because of the extreme sensitivity, he stood on his feet, leaning to whisper in your ear. 'I'll make sure that by the time I'm done with you, you'll be trusting daddy profoundly.'

[ayakashiramblings]

If you came out - Dawn Faction

In celebration of Pride month (that is about to end and I lost track of everything because of work, ughh...), this is dedicated to everyone who wants to love! 

Disclaimer though: I am a straight, cis girl so while I can write this based on my friend’s opinions, I won’t be able to fully capture the whole scope of being in the LGBTQ+ community. I am also a bad writer by nature, LOL. That said, if I have written anything harmful, please let me know so that I can correct it. 

Also, this is technically in the Taisho era so like... I don’t know the history of Japan well enough. Plus, I can’t cover the whole spectrum here, I was hoping to do more with the other groups after gauging the reception here, LMAO.

Finally, Yura sucks for being too perfect.

Koga Kitamikado 

His sweetheart is bisexual. And by the way? Very scared of telling him.

She has been dumped faster than burning coal all because it seems like MC would cheat with not just one but two other parties.

AND has also been hurled with accusations of not making up her mind and stringing people along so easily without a hint of remorse.

But he’s the second-most supportive man here. (We’ll get to the first later)

You, ever-the-intellectual knowing that, hit it for Russia when you thought you saw your ex-girlfriend and Koga turned his back on you for 10 seconds to tend to Masanobu’s new watch chain. 

Fear does crazy things.

He and Kuya found you in 27 minutes, sobbing into an empty tub of ice-cream you stole from the tengu as your only food supply and frankly, the only item you brought along.

Even Kuya found it pathetic enough to leave you and Koga alone at the random bar.

Everything was pounding. Your head, people taking shots, and leaving with the resounding slam of the doors. 

Again, and again, and again.

Yet, Koga was still there, letting you nurse your head against his burly shoulders and stroking your hair away from your face to look you in your bloodshot eyes.

His steady gaze returned some semblance of composure to your drunken mind.

"It's always been hard to look away from you... especially if I think you are troubled by something or someone."

Yup, that’s right. He has had his suspicions.

“Are youz gonna break up witz me...?”

“HELL NO!”

Ok so his calm mien was finally broken by that whispered question and his Japanese bellow had certainly garnered attention until he glared at the other patrons.

His control only returned when he said this.

“If they didn’t love you being bisexual, they didn’t love you. Period.”

... This is the first time you have ever heard of the term. Heck, you had always been too shy to ask Ginnojo for books on the topic but WOW KOGA KNEW? HOW?

You didn’t even know if that was the right term, how the heck did he even find it in the Taisho era of all eras?!

Boy was fully prepared to smother you with all his affections with just the hint that you haven’t been properly cared for.

“Lady Luck was on your side so many times. But here’s the thing; I knew you could love and have loved people. Not sides.”

“I would like to be on your side and your loved one now, in the next 1000 years and beyond.”

That night, you had celebrated coming out and being strong with the strongest man, vodka and of course, hangover in your life.

Kuya

Trans male who actually sees Kuya making an effort beyond wraith-fighting.

You lucky boy! He is a bit confused at first but not dismissive. Anything involving you and your happiness is serious business to him. 

Takes some time getting used to the shift in pronouns, but the one in 2892019280923092 chances that he messes up, he will always apologize with ordering whatever you want from the Milk Hall.

Now you wished he would mess up more. 

When he is too lazy to buy paper, he just writes on whatever scars you have from your gender reassignment (if you go for it... wait, did they have it back then?) or the marks left from your binder that would have made you self-conscious once upon a time.

And he keeps doing it on each new mark as you slowly transition.

One day, you decided to buy the most classy paper a writer could ever hope for. One that would ensure no bleeding, feathering, and basically ‘The Dream Paper’.

All he did was give a smile and thank you before dipping a feather... and writing on the 273rd scar.

“But why?”

“I need to write the 273rd page of my boyfriend’s strength.”

Yura

You are a trans female, that has been practising her coming-out-speech on forest animals...

... that you knew would know Yura.

You were so scared about seemingly leading others on and deceiving others. Every time some discovered any secret part of yours that you had hidden, suddenly EVERYTHING was exposed.

“Oh, my lady...”

“I am ever so delighted! You came out to me first AGAIN!”

... So it turns out, your past self was also trans. And Yura had been the proudest friend you had confided in first.

His part is so short because guess what? He is a perfect man. I seriously don’t think you would need to worry about him.

We just need him to be our boyfriend soon!!!

Ginnojo

Asexual acing everything but sitting down with the bae and talking about it. 

Not that you have to, only if you are comfortable. 

And you were super comfortable honestly. Maybe the whole quiet patrol at the park had lured you into a false sense of security.

... Into giggling at poor Ginnojo blushing at some shameless couples. 

Seems like the birds, the bees and make-out sessions were in season. 

“Can we agree to never do that?”

“Of course.”

“Like, ever? Like forever never?”

“Er, yes?”

“Like really no smashing of bodies also?”

“.... No? Wait, why are you asking? Come, let’s sit over there.”

This is probably the most Ginnojo has ever talked but you are so ecstatic that he can take it all in and without you feeling flustered over the occasional ramblings mixed in with serious explanations. 

Checks the boundaries established like the following;

If you don’t mind him occasionally finding you sexually attractive, especially considering you are one of the few women he interacts.

Promises on telling when to stop.

Getting sexual relief from outsiders (No surprise that he shoots the whole premise down. Ginnojo without you, it wouldn’t be him to the ayakashi)

Kisses and the art of cuddling.

Ultimately though, he just needs 2 things and that would be enough. 

“I want to love you like a book. Let me hold the pages and move with you when your story tells me to until the end.”

“And in return, I’ll share my cover with you to spread around any corner of the world you want.”

Aoi

Lesbian that chose to come out to the right ayakashi... but at the worst place possible.

To be fair, you had tried your best in luring him to sketch at a discrete, isolated place.

You had even pictured the scenario, which later turned to be a screenplay of all the disasters and worst reactions that could arise from the even the simplest, vaguest confessions.

Had Aoi known of this whole script, he would have probably said it was the writing Kuya could only dream about having.

It’s just that the Golden Week makes the Milk Hall super packed for once.

So there you were, with the milkshake that should have brought an annoyed satori seer over and scolding you for remaining with the probably-spoiled drink.

And everything snaps. His pen snaps, your straw snaps, you snap.

“What, I’m a spoilt milk bottle because I’m swinging the cap the other way? HUH?!”

By some miracle, Oji was too busy flirting with the onslaught of female customers and the aforementioned group was too preoccupied with giggling at that dork.

Aoi had heard everything though. You knew he had heard everything... so why wasn’t he responding?

Then you heard it, the girliest of giggles.

And the sweetest grin you have seen in the world.

Again, you couldn't blame Koga for mistaking him for a cute girl cus dayum...

Loving a man or woman, his tsundere mind and mouth finally cooperate to say the exact same thing.

That you are a lovable dork who had been the very muse for the painting he has been slogging over.

A whole triptych.

The first one was of you at the river, grabbing the rock to seemingly skip across the water. It was undeniably warm and set at dusk. So the transition to the next frame was jarring but somehow familiar.

The second depicted you walking away with the random stone, and being largely ignored by others and nearly engulfed in the darkness between you and the rest of the crowd.

And finally the last was someone's hand sharing the stone with yours. Curiously, it was only inked and without any palette.

“The only thing they all need is your colours, whatever you have chosen and wanted. I want to see them when you want to show me her.”

And you did, spending his 1-hour break just using all the paint supplies that you could find together.

[kinktae]

Tempting || 8

Y/N is an angel and a good one at that. She steers clear of the seven deadly sins, especially lust. She is out performing her duties when she runs into a demon. Luckily for her, that demon, Taehyung, doesn’t seem to buy into that whole “Angels and Demons are sworn enemies” idea. But unluckily for her, Taehyung just so happens to be the very embodiment of sin. Especially lust.

Or, “For someone who is meant to be so pure, you sure are dirty, angel.”

pairing: demon!taehyung x angel!reader

genre: fantasy, smut, angst

warnings: alcohol use, mentions of suicide/death, lots of dirty talk and smut lol

A/N: this is less biblical and more supernatural?? Like less focus on religion itself and more focus on angels and demons as immortal creatures even though I might reference some “biblical” terms lol sorry this is too unholy anyways it’s fine. oh and this is a dream I had!

CHAPTERS: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 (final)

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

CHAPTER EIGHT (**JUST REALLY FILTHY SMUT IM SORRY, also hasn’t been edited yet!!!)

"Y/N?" Jimin's voice spoke, causing my head to snap up.

After coming to terms with the fact that the page on Vampires was gone, I had somehow gotten sucked into continuing to read about other kinds of demons. I didn't even hear Jimin arrive through the front door.

"Oh, hi." I breathed, slightly on edge, thinking that Jimin might have been Yoongi, coming back to threaten me once more.

Jimin stood just outside the study, a hand placed lightly against the door frame.

For a moment, neither of us said anything and I felt myself sink into shame as I remembered the last time Jimin and I had interacted.

"Um, about this morning..." I trailed off, unsure of how to begin. Jimin gave me a small smile.

"It’s alright, button. I know you’re just overwhelmed from all this studying you’re doing. Being a Power is a big responsibility, I’m sure I would’ve taken the suppressor to go out to Limbo, too."

If there was anyone I hated lying to, it was Jimin. Sure, I felt bad lying to the others; Namjoon was like an older brother to me, and Hobi was the person who made me laugh the hardest. But Namjoon often scolded me and Hobi liked to banter with me. Jimin, however, didn’t tease or lecture me. He was nothing but supportive and comforting and the thought of lying to him made me feel like absolute dirt.

“Thanks, Jimin.” I sighed, accepting his consolation despite how undeserving of it I was.

Jimin ran a hand through his silver hair, “Of course.”

“How are your flowers looking?” I brought up casually, in an attempt to dilute the still awkward atmosphere. Jimin broke out into a huge smile.

“Peachy keen!” He enthused cheerily. I raised an eyebrow and giggled at his words.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say ‘peachy keen’.” I mused. Jimin’s cheeks turned pink and he shook his head with a laugh.

“Sorry. The girl at the park says funny phrases like that all the time. I hear it so often that I’m starting to pick up her speaking habits, I guess.” He explained. I recalled the girl he was talking about briefly from this morning’s conversation, right before things had taken a turn.

“You're so cute, Jiminie.” I teased, enjoying the way he turned even redder and how he pouted at me. Hobi had once referred to Jimin and I as a pair of cherries, insisting that we were always bright red from blushing.

"Hey, look, I'm sure the others understand like I do but, uh, you might want to apologize to Hobi and Joonie when they get home in a little bit.”

Hobi and Namjoon we're going arrive soon? How long had I been reading for?

“What time is it?” I questioned. Jimin and I both looked over to view the clock that hung up on the wall.

Oh crap, it was past 8 PM. Taehyung always came over at 8.

"Are you done studying? Since you're out of your room, do you want to hang out with us? We haven't all had a night to hang out in a while–"

"Oh! Uh, no! Sorry! I, uh, am still studying. I was just... taking a break. I'm sorry." I quickly rambled, closing the book that lay in front of me and hastily shoving it back into its appropriate spot in the shelf.

I slipped past Jimin quickly, "Good night!"

I hurried up the stairs and ran towards the closed door of my room. Opening the door, I slipped in silently shutting the door behind me.

In my room stood Taehyung, who was rummaging through one of the drawers on my dresser.

"Jimin is the flower angel, right?" Taehyung hummed, clearly preoccupied by the contents of my dresser. I nodded, slightly surprised that he remembered the specifics of my roommates. I had told him once a while back, but I didn't think he actually cared much.

Staring at Taehyung's frame, I took in what he was doing. I frowned. Was that... my underwear drawer?

Taehyung pulling out my favorite pair of cotton panties and waving them at me with a smirk answered my suspicions.

I squealed in surprise and shoved him away from my dresser. I made several grabs for my underwear, all of which proved to be futile as Taehyung raised them up and out of my reach.

"Taehyung!" I exclaimed in utter horror, trying my best to keep my voice down in case Jimin decided to come upstairs. This was so humiliating.

"I remember these." He laughed, causing me to freeze in place.

Images of Taehyung peeling that exact pair of underwear he had peeled off of me before placing his tongue against me flashed through my mind, causing my face to heat up.

"You pervert! Why are you going through my underwear drawer?" I chided, trying to fight off my blush.

Taehyung looked at me as if the answer was obvious, "I wanted to see what kind of skimpy lingerie you owned."

I scoffed in disbelief, reaching once more to try and retrieve the stole garment.

"Yes, well," I huffed, "I don't own any of those kind of things so please just return that to me."

Taehyung let out a laugh at my attempts to reach the highly held underwear. He took a step towards my dresser before placing the underwear back into its designated drawer.

"Shame. I really love lace. Not that your cotton panties aren't nice. I especially like the little pink bow on the front."

I placed my face into my hands, in disbelief but also in ungodly embarrassment. I heard Taehyung chuckle before prying my hands away from my face.

I glared at him as he intertwined our fingers.

"You're so fucking cute." Taehyung said, placing a soft kiss against a pink cheek of mine.

"Shut up." I muttered, trying to sound annoyed despite how content I was from his soft display of affection.

"You were late and I got bored so I went through your drawers. What were you and Jimin talking about?" Taehyung muttered casually, his lips peppering kisses along my jaw.

God, I had missed Taehyung doing these kind of things. Taehyung and I spent most of our nights outside and in the city, small moments of intimacy like these didn't occur often.

"Nothing important." I assured him, too concerned with the fact that his mouth was now pressed against the exposed skin of my neck to go into the details of Jimin and I's conversation.

"Are you sure?" He breathed, licking a hot stripe against my neck. I whined at the gesture, closing my eyes. I gripped his hands firmly.

"Yes."

Suddenly, Taehyung pulled away from me, leaving me confused and frowning. Taehyung simply smiled at me.

"Okay, let's go, then."

"Go where?" I whined, wanting Taehyung to go back to what he was doing just moments ago.

"There's an amusement park in town! Today is the first day and it's a Wednesday so it shouldn't be too crowded." He explain excitedly.

I remembered that Jane had made plans in advanced with a friend to go to this fair, back when I was her guardian. It was hard to believe how much time had passed since that day.

It was hard to believe just how much my life had changed.

Taehyung made his way to my window, which was now usually left open, because of him. Slipping his legs through the opening, he sat on my window sill. He looked at me expectantly.

"Shall we go, angel?" He asked, flashing me a boyish smile.

My life had definitely changed, but with Taehyung around, I couldn't help but feel as if it had changed for the better.

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The walk to the amusement park was a pleasant one. Taehyung talked the entire way, clearly far more excited about our outing than I was. I was excited as well, I had never been to an amusement park, but my thoughts couldn't help but be preoccupied.

I wasn't sure whether or not to tell Taehyung about Yoongi's visit to my house. Taehyung had a right to know about what his friend was doing behind his back, but I couldn't help but feel as if telling him would be a mistake.

Yoongi was convinced I was bad for Taehyung, and ruining his friendship with Taehyung would only further his grudge against me. At the end of the day, Yoongi was just worried about Taehyung. Anyone who cared about Taehyung that much couldn't be completely evil, right?

"Look, we're here!" Taehyung announced excitedly. Even if he hadn't announced it, the amusement park was hard to miss.

It was set up on the city's fair grounds, land set aside for things like festivals or concerts. I could see quite a few of the taller rides from our location; the sounds of screams and laughters filling the air. I felt myself start to grow more and more excited, the amusement park's aura infectious.

"Let's go!" I yelled happily, grabbing Taehyung by the hand and running towards the entrance.

We arrived panting, but I couldn't help but jump in place with excitement. Fluorescent lights illuminated the entire park and I stared at amazement at the arrangement of colors.

I went to look over to Taehyung to point out a particular ride, only to find the spot next to me empty.

What? Where did he go?

I opened my mouth to call out to him before I spotted him standing in line for ticket purchase. I skipped over to him.

"You're getting a ticket?" I questioned in surprise. Taehyung glanced over me before muttering a 'yes' under his breath. I almost asked him why he was whispering before I remembered that if Taehyung was getting a ticket then he was probably visible to humans right now. They could see and hear anything that he did.

I let out a sigh. No one could see or hear me so if Taehyung were to speak to me like he normally did, people would look at him strange.

So instead of speaking, I stood beside Taehyung, my hands clasped together behind my back as I waited in line with him.

I was surprised he was buying a ticket. I had assumed that he was going to turn invisible, being that demons had the option to control their visibility, and that he would slip in wordlessly with me.

We reached the ticket booth in no time at all, and even though I didn't want to draw attention to Taehyung by getting him to speak to me, I couldn't help but share my excitement.

"Ah, I'm so excited!" I squealed, spinning in place dramatically. Taehyung glanced over at me with a smirk before directing his attention to the man in the ticket booth.

Suddenly, I grew curious as to what was inside of the booth. Was there a bathroom in there? Where did he keep all the tickets?

I leaned over Taehyung, in order to look into the booth and see. All of this was new to me.

Taehyung let out a noise of disapproval and extended his arm out and to the side; to the average human it looked as it if he was stretching, but really he was pushing me out of the away.

"I want to see." I groaned with a frown. I looked behind Taehyung to see that the woman in line behind him wore an expression similar to mine as her two screaming children tugged on her clothes, desperately trying to gain her attention.

"One one-day adult ticket please." Taehyung asked politely. I let out an excited noise and watched as the man stared at the Taehyung for a moment before nodding and handing him a ticket and a thin bright orange slip of paper. Taehyung grabbed it out of the man's hand with a smile before moving towards the entrance. I frowned as I analyzed the exchange.

"Taehyung?" I asked, trailing after the moving demon.

Taehyung said nothing, instead handing over his ticket to one of the staff members monitoring the park entrance. Taehyung and I walked into the noisy area.

Taehyung took a look around at the busy scene laid our before us as he wrapped the orange paper around his wrist; the paper had some sort of adhesive built into it, turning it into some sort of make shift bracelet.

He finally turned towards me, "Yes, angel?"

"Did you pay for that ticket?"

Taehyung stared at me, his eyes widening for a moment before returning to normal.

"No."

"But... he gave you a ticket, anyway?" I pressed, having a feeling that I already knew exactly what had just happened.

Taehyung looked uncomfortable; he reached a hand over to rub the back of his neck.

"I kind of... made him give me a ticket. Not like forced him, but yeah– It's kind of hard to explain."

I knew exactly what he had done. He had slipped into that man's mind and told him to hand over the ticket without asking to paying for it. This was exactly what the chapter on Scelus had described.

"If you weren't going to pay for the ticket then why did you bother getting one at all? Couldn't you just have become invisible like I am and walked right in?" I asked, trying to sound less bother than I was.

I don't know why, but I had assumed that Taehyung didn't used his powers often. But seeing as how casually he just entered that guy's mind, I was beginning to rethink that assumption.

Taehyung gestured towards the orange bracelet on his wrist, "This bracelet guarantees us a spot on each ride. There is a limited amount of people that can fit on each ride, so if I have this, I can save a place for both you and I. Beats being invisible and sat on by humans, huh?"

Despite how uneasy I felt about Taehyung using his warped mind control on an innocent man, I couldn't help but admire how smart the blond boy was.

"Nice thinking." I complimented with a small smile, wanting to push my thoughts aside and just enjoy the night with Taehyung.

Taehyung smirked at me, "Beauty and brains, I've got both. You sure lucked out with me."

I let out a laugh before intertwining his arm with mine.

"Come on, you handsome genius. Let's go try our luck on some of those balloon games."

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Two hours had gone by and it would appear that angels were prone to something Taehyung had referred to as motion sickness.

Two rollercoasters and one spinning ride in, and I was efficiently nauseated. Taehyung had suggested we sat down to let my stomach settle, so I took refuge on a nearby bench.

"Are you feeling any better?" Taehyung peered down at me nervously, biting down onto his bottom lip. The moment I told him I felt dizzy, he turned into a panicked wreck, forcing water down my throat in case I was dehydrated, and buying me a lemonade in case my blood sugar was low.

"Yes, I'm fine. I just needed to sit down." I assured him with a nod. I really was feeling better, I just didn't know how to tell him that if I so much as looked at a rollercoaster, I might be sick.

"Shit, I'm so sorry. I ruined your first amusement park experience. I wanted to do all the extreme rides first before the lines got longer as the night went on." Taehyung sighed, sitting down next to me. He threw an arm around the back of the bench behind me and tilted his head to rest against mine.

I couldn't help but admire how cute he looked doting over me.

"It's not ruined!" I assured him. "I love spending time with you. Besides, that first rollercoaster was loads of fun. You know, before the nausea set in."

Taehyung rolled his eyes before smiling fondly at me.

"I love you." He told me. I couldn't have bought the flush off my face even if I tried.

"I love you, too." I told him, my voice still shaky every time I said it. I don't think I'd ever be used to getting to say it so freely.

Taehyung's eyes flashed down to my lips, and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead he gave me a smirk.

"You up for one last ride?"

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The Ferris Wheel, as Taehyung had told me it was called, was some sort of enormous rotating metal circle. I had initially shot it down the moment I found out that it moved, but Taehyung assured me that it wasn't a ride as so much as a way to look over the park.

For whatever reason, no one seemed to want to go on it as the line was near nonexistent and Taehyung and I got an entire passenger car to ourselves.

I took a step onto the circular cabin and wobbled a bit as it rocked slightly. Sitting down, I watched as Taehyung climbed in after me, thanking the man who closed the door after us.

"Are we sure this is stable?" I asked, already feeling myself begin to grow nervous.

"Would I endanger your life, angel?" Taehyung responded, feigning hurt with a hand over his chest.

The Ferris Wheel had already began to move, slowly, taking us higher.

"Even if you wanted to, you couldn't on this thing. This is the slowest ride ever." I noted. My stomach, for one, was grateful for that.

Taehyung only laughed in response, intertwining his hand with mine. I looked down at our hands and smiled. I had been wanting to hold his hand all night, but I didn't want to draw attention to Taehyung by having him look like he was holding onto nothing.

I let out a sigh.

"You're not having fun, are you?" Taehyung said, sounding sad.

"No, I am! I promise you I am." I said, dismissing him with a shake of my head.

"Then why do you look so sad?" Taehyung pressed. I met his eyes for a moment before looking out over the passenger car. We were decently high up now.

"I dunno. It's just... being an angel is kind of lonely."

"Lonely? What do you mean?" Taehyung said, sounding confused.

I sighed, "It doesn't bother me too much, usually, but it's kind of a very isolating thing to not be able to be seen or heard."

"I can see and hear you." He remind me.

"Yeah, but they can't." I said, looking down at the scrambling bodies of the park go-ers. Each of them here for the sole reason of enjoying themselves and the company of others.

"Other angels can see me, of course, so it's not like I'm entirely invisible, but even here with you, I can't hold your hand or have conversations with you whenever. Because even though you know I'm here, they don't."

I took a moment to gather my thoughts.

"I'm supposed to protect those people down there. But I think the main reason why I can't is because a small part of me resents humans. I'm envious of them. I can pretend to run around and go on rides like I'm one of them but I'm not. It's an awful thing to be standing in the middle of a crowd of people and still be on the outside, never really apart of it."

I could feel Taehyung staring at my profile. The view was incredible now, we weren't even at the top but I could still see almost over every ride. The colorful lights swallowed the pieces of metal and plastic, leaving instead an ocean of flashing fluorescent color.

"I think of Jane and I think of memories I have with her; I think of Jane as a friend. But to her, I'm nothing. She’ll never know who I am." I turned to face Taehyung, my eyes beginning to water. "That's why I wanted to meet your friends that night at Limbo. Back then, I knew it was a bad idea to get involved with demons but... I dunno... it's just nice to have people who can see me– who know I'm there."

Taehyung took me surprise by grabbing both sides of my face to kiss me.

I reveled in the kiss, missing the feeling of his mouth against mine, but before I could move to deepen it, Taehyung pulled away.

"I'm sorry, angel."

I blinked.

"Why are you apologizing?" I said, tilting my head in confusion. Taehyung ran a thumb against my cheek, using the hand that was still cupping my face.

"I didn't know you felt like this."

I shrugged, "I never told you, it's not your fault for not knowing."

Truth was, I hadn't told anyone this. I didn't allow myself to think too much on these thoughts, finding it better to suppress my feelings. My self loathing only grew the more I realized that I thought like this.

"I know. It's just that all this time I thought all my problems would've disappeared if I just became an angel. I didn't know that angels had these kinds of thoughts. Even when you tried to tell me, I didn't fully understand. But now I do. And I'm sorry."

The Ferris Wheel came to a sudden stop and Taehyung and I turned away from each other to look out at the view. We were at very top now. From here, all those people looked so small, like they were just little insignificant dots and not the reasons behind my self loathing and insecurities.

"We're a pretty fucked up pair, aren't we?" Taehyung breathed, not taking his eyes off the view.

"Mm, maybe." I said, causing Taehyung to look at me.

"Or maybe we're the normal ones, and everyone else is fucked up."

Taehyung stared at me, eyes wide and I frowned once I noticed.

"What?" I inquired, confused as to why he was looking at me like that.

"Angel, you just cursed." He laughed.

This time it was my turn for my eyes to widen, "I did?"

Taehyung laughed again and nodded. I couldn't help but laugh along with him.

"I guess when you love someone you end up picking their speaking habits." I mused, leaning into Taehyung's side to nudge him.

"I really am tainting you, huh? It's not too late, angel, you can still fall out of love with me and save the chastity of your vocabulary. Chastity is a virtue, after all." Taehyung suggested, wiggling his eyebrows.

I smirked.

"Chastity is overrated."

Grabbing Taehyung by the collar of his shirt, I pulled him into me, wasting no time in deepening the kiss.

Taehyung let out a moan at my words and the sound alone was enough to encourage me to swipe my tongue against his bottom lip. Taehyung ran his hand into my hair and tilted his head so that his tongue could better meet mine.

He tasted like the cotton candy he eaten 20 minutes ago and I greedily accepted the taste.

I clutched onto the fabric of his black t-shirt liked my sanity depended on it because it did. If Taehyung pulled away now I didn't know what I'd do. One of Taehyung’s hands snuck up my torso and placed a careful squeeze on my breast.

I gasped away from the kiss, not expecting him to be so bold.

Suddenly, Taehyung grabbed both of my hips; he lifted me up and spun me around, placing me on his lap, my back pressed against his chest. Taehyung's mouth found my neck instantly and he bit down on it eagerly.

"No marks, Taehy–"

My words were cut short by the feeling of Taehyung prying my thighs apart.

He ran his fingertips down my inner thighs gingerly, and I shut my legs the moment I realized his final destination.

"Taehyung, not here." I squeaked. Despite my words, I grinded against Taehyung's hardening bulge. Neither my body nor Taehyung chose to listen to me.

Taehyung grabbed one of my legs and forced it to bend, setting my foot down on the seat, exposing myself.

"Shut up." He said, placing a small slap against my newly exposed inner thigh.

I made a mental note to stop wearing skirts and dresses around Taehyung all together.

Taehyung's didn't hesitate for a moment. He ran his long fingers up and down my clothed core, causing me to wriggle on his lap. I latched my hand around his wrist to pull his hand away but a firm rub against my clit seized my movements.

I whined lowly, hating that Taehyung had me in this position. It was humiliating. 

"Look at you, angel. Legs spread, letting me play with your pussy while you face everyone. You're fucking filthy." Taehyung scolded into my ear before taking my earlobe in between his teeth.

"N-No, I'm not." I whimpered, my eyes closing and my hips starting to move to meet his fingers’ movements.

"I can feel how wet your panties are. You like this, huh?" Taehyung teased. I could only moan in reply when his fingers once again found my clit.

I opened my eyes to see that we had descended and were nearly at the bottom of the Ferris Wheel. There at the bottom stood the worker that had closed to the door for us.

Oh, God.

"Taehyung, mm, you have to stop. T-There's someone at the bottom." I pleaded. My body was past the point of listening to me, so I prayed that my words would be enough to get Taehyung to stop.

To my horror and absolutely delight, Taehyung merely pushed aside my panties and sunk two of his fingers inside me.

I let out a squeak and threw my head back, resting it in the crook of his neck. This was so wrong.

"He can't see you, baby." He reminded me quietly as we reached the bottom and the Ferris Wheel came to a stop.

I clasped a hand over my mouth.

"You enjoy the ride?" The worker asked politely stepping forward to speak to Taehyung.

"Quite the view." Taehyung smiled back, not letting up the motions of his hands for a moment. Moans were slipping through the cracks of my fingers and it was ridiculous how wet I was.

The worker must have notice Taehyung's odd hand motions because he glanced down at where Taehyung's hand entered me.

Let out an embarrassingly loud moan and bucked my hips forward. I knew the man couldn't see me, to him it just looked like Taehyung was moving his hand oddly, but I couldn't help but imagine that he could see the way Taehyung was wrecking and stirring up my insides.

"Mind if I go for another round?" Taehyung asked, sounding unbelievable innocent despite what he was doing to me.

The worker's eyes flicked back momentarily to Taehyung's hand, looking slightly confused, before snapping back up to meet Taehyung's eyes, clearly not wanting to seem rude and stare.

Taehyung removed all fingers to rub at my clit. I moaned loudly, and raised a hand to hide my face, my face had never been this hot before.

"Sure thing. It's kind of a slow night anyways." The man laughed, stepping away from the passenger car to let it continue to move.

"Being invisible has its perks after all, huh?" Taehyung chuckled.

"I hate you so much." I cried out as Taehyung entered me once more, sinking in knuckle deep.

We had begun our ascend already and the worker was far below us but I could still imagine the man's eyes on me.

"No you don't. You loved it. I could feel the way you clenched around my fingers when you thought he looked at you."

Taehyung's dirty words only coaxed more moans from my mouth. He was making me feel too good for me to quip back some sort of response.

"Who knew my filthy little angel liked being watched." Taehyung hummed to himself, only further riling me up. I knew I wasn't going to last for very much longer.

"Remember the way you danced against me and Jungkook at Limbo... I bet you'd love it if I fucked you in front of him, hm?"

I moaned out at his filthy words, feeling my high nearing itself by the second.

"I'd fuck you so hard, angel. Just to show Jungkook what he can't have. You're mine." He growled, running his nose along the length of my neck. His free hand reached over to rub against my clit, and I nearly started sobbing.

"Ah– Taehyung!"

My climax hit me harder than I was expecting it to, and I wasn't sure if it was because of how public all of this was or because of Taehyung's filthy words.

My back arched and my thighs quivered, having effectively been turned into gelatin.

Taehyung continue to finger me through my release, only stopping once I stopped shaking.

"I missed the sounds of your moans, angel." Taehyung told me sweetly, pressed a kiss onto my cheek. I could only hum in response.

"Are you going to yell at me for finger fucking you in public once you regain the ability to speak?"

I nodded my head in agreement before pausing, and then shaking my head side to side.

"Is that a yes or a no?" Taehyung chuckled.

Taehyung put my leg back down and helped me pull my skirt back down.

"Taehyung." I began finally, turn in his lap to look at him.

"Ah fuck, here it comes. Okay I'm ready. You can yell at me now." Taehyung said, frowning as if to brace himself.

"Spend the night with me." I told him softly, my face slightly pink.

Taehyung looked at me in awe, clearly not expecting what I said at all.

"Really? Wait, why?" Taehyung said, eyeing me suspiciously. Taehyung had tried to sleepover multiple times, and I had shut him down every time, on the account that it was too risky; the boys could accidentally find out about him.

I laughed at his accusatory tone.

"Because," I began, wrapping my arms around his neck, looking up at him through my lashes, a small smirk on my lips.

"You missed the sound of my moans."

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WELP I GUESS MY APRIL FOOLS JOKE WAS MAKING YALL THINKING THEY WERE GONNA FUCC IN THIS CHAPTER LOL no but actually I felt like it would be too rushed if I did it in this chapter so next chapter it is. PLUS LIKE I THOUGHT OF THIS SCENE AND IT JUST NEED TO HAPPEN OKAY?? ily

[valen-but-not-tine]

tezz, blake, agura, and mermista for that ask meme pls?

Fair warning a lot more of the questions have to deal with shipping than I thought when I first reblogged the ask meme this is for a /while/ ago, and I’m not really a big romance person (except one of these is in a HUGE ship of mine and I’m certain that was intentional ave.

got long, it was a long meme, and 4 characters

Tezz Volitov

What I like about them

well. that’s really hard to answer. to quote you, avery when I mentioned having trouble w this question, “I like him because he’s Tezz”

He’s everything that normally annoys me but done well to where it doesn’t?

cocky arrogant tech savvy bastard. but he has extremely strong sense of morals. Like boy took one look at the red sentients and was immediately ready to fight a war by himself and dedicated himself to being a one man rebellion.

What I dislike about them

how long it took me to answer the first question, he’s not my normal type, like for real I think his archetype normally annoys me, but for some reason the exact way he’s written gets around that.

Favourite moment

the entirety of the episode “Lord of the Kharamanos” Tezz making friends with tromp and once again showing his strong sense of morals with his absolute refusal to leave the kharamanos alone to fight the Vandals. I think this ties into why I love him so much, normally his archetype would have been the one willing to leave them to fend for themselves, helping them is a risk, but Tezz doesn’t even consider leaving, and is insulted by Vert considering it for even a moment.

Least favourite moment

The best quality version of his introductory episode on youtube is cut into 2 parts and the uploader split it /right/ in the middle of dialogue.

A situation with this character that I want to see explored more

BACK! STORY! what’s his family life like? what did he eat when he was stranded?

An interesting AU for this character

This is pretty general for bf5 as a show, but in the the bf5 fused webisode “Cold Fusion” Sage is shown making an instruction type video for if they lose, somebody else could potentially take up the fight, and she deletes it at the end as Vert tells her the war will end with them. But what if she hadn’t. And then. what if they had lost? Tezz wasn’t part of the team yet, if the bf5 lost before he joined, but someone else (Grace?) found the video and picked up the fight, and then he joined? I don’t have much thought (well actually I have more than I’d like to admit) put into this idea, but ever since seeing that 50 second webisode, I’ve had that hmm what if idea in my head, and the only way I can really “see” it happening is if there was a similar situation to the shadowzone episode, where our bf5 meet the group that took up the fight when they died, team led by grace, with tezz, zen, and the rest of the group is ocs, but if this were a plotline I’d love for one of the team to be one of Agura’s brothers who came looking for her when she dropped off the face of the planet.

A crossover

umm I was really into storm hawks at the same time as I was into bf5, tho bf5 has withstood the test of time, so combining the 2 is something I’ve put some thought into before, but really w bf5′s setup of being able to go to different dimensions battlezones writing a crossover for really any show wouldn’t be hard.

OTP (or OT3+ etc…. just… favourite ship)

I don’t have a lot of ships for bf5 as a whole, if I had to say one Tezz/Sherman, I love the interaction where someone asks if tezz is the brains of the operation and sherman says tezz is the left brain and he (sherman) is the right

Other ships?

Tezz/AJ I guess, in the finale when they sent the og team in bc “they started it, you should be the ones to end it” they had some cute interactions

BROTP

Tezz and Tromp, lord of the kharamanos gave us so much good tezz content.

NOTP

bf5 didn’t have a lot of romance, so there was never a set up that made me go NO but anyone with zoom is a full stop for me, there’s no canonical ages, but zoom reads as 16 to me, and most of the other cast as young adults, but adults.

An assortment of headcanons!

He’s Autistic!

Boy had a Bad Home Life, the boy was like 9 when he got himself stranded in a battlezone, and wanted to get back to earth because it’s where he’s from, but he /never/ mentions getting back to people. like it’s one thing if his parents just let him do whatever and he was experimenting in his free time, but he didn’t try to find anyone when he got back. and he immediately was ride or die for the bf5. the show probably just didn’t have time to touch on it, but with what we were given I can not see him having a good relationship with his family.

Blake (asuming Belladonna)

What I like about them

Listen I love revolutionaries. love me some characters fighting for a cause. Blake don’t back down.

What I dislike about them

how much Sun is tolerated lol

Favourite moment

When she stared her abusive ex in the eyes after he asked “what made her think she could win this time” and said “I don’t have a choice, I have people who actually care about me, and I promised I’d never leave them agian. So I’m not dying now!”

you tell him blake

Least favourite moment

90% of the scenes she shares w sun lol. why couldn’t we get more time with her parents? oh right sun took up any time they could have had lol.

A situation with this character that I want to see explored more

fambly.

An interesting AU for this character

au where Adam never touched her.

A crossover

She-ra and the princesses of power, blake/yang and catra/adora, blonde jock and their cat gfs interacting

OTP (or OT3+ etc…. just… favourite ship)

Uh Bumbleby without a doubt. they’re the slow burn we never get with queer couples, and while they’re not “canon” yet, that’s because they’re a slow burn, and they’re getting proper developement, but even so, them having feelings for each other is canon, to a point where Arryn Zech, Blake’s va got a motherfucking bee tattoo. like they’re /the/ main couple of rwby, Arryn mentioned Yang as someone who was in love with blake at a panel and had to be reminded to mention Sun. that’s cast tho, their interactions in show?

Yin/yang symbolism where they’re both both at different times, beauty and the beast allusions, character with abandonment issues/character who has a tendency to run, excellent fighting synergy? I could literally talk about how much this ship means to me for hours (you’ve heard a lot of it sporadically ave) and it truly means a lot to me, I’m not normally a romancey person, but something about a show I was into before knowing (or really admitting to myself) that I was queer giving me that rep? in 2 of my favorite characters? I’m used to seeing shows w queer rep bc I heard there was rep and decided to check it out, but Bumbleby seemingly happened around me already here. they’re not a queer bait. one of them isn’t going to die. and they love each other so much.

Other ships?

Listen. no other possible ship for blake (or yang) holds a candle (ha sweet burning the candle reference) to bumbleby. I’m not gonna go into it explicitly, bc the person who sent this ask isn’t there yet >:) but (as much as irl, friendship is just as important as romantic relationships, and I hate the idea of romance being “more”) the show has built up yang and blake in such a way that if anyone else wanted to be even considered they’d have to compete with the other. if you’re considering getting into rwby, Heroes and Monsters was the ep that a lot of the fan base realized that hey, they’re actually doing bees? and that’s bc there’s a scene that is so powerful with the 2 of them. from a storytelling perspective no other ship has the substance to compete with the bees.

BROTP

Blacksun. Blake and Sun work better as friends than they ever could as romantic partners, Sun has feelings for Blake, but they’ve always been one sided, and the only time he’s been on screen that didn’t have me rolling my eyes or wishing he’d leave blake alone so her parents who she hasn’t seen in years could maybe get some of the screentime he’s hogging was when he was recovering from being injured and blake is all “this is why I had to leave, my friends get hurt bc of me” and he was like “that’s our decision to make, I’d do it again, and I know Yang would do the same” like yeah he continues to flirt while in menagerie (sp?), but as soon as he realizes that she didn’t run off to fight the white fang alone he spends his time trying to get her to go back to her team.

NOTP

Tauradonna. I’ve also seen the “ship” called Animal Abuse and ouch if that doesn’t just hit the nail on it’s head.

An assortment of headcanons!

when blake and yang kiss for the first time her ears are going to twitch.

Bi

Agura Ibaden

What I like about them

listen the second thing she does in the show is tear a robots head off do I need to give more words than that?

What I dislike about them

I mean one of my only complaints w bf5 is I want more girls, does that count? I wanted to know more about her backstory in general too, like 5 brothers? at least one nephew? warrior princess? give me

Favourite moment

The first time Vert isn’t there and Stanford challenges her right to be second in command and she just shuts him down hard and takes charge.

Least favourite moment

uhhhhh. idk whatever made agura/stanford a bigish ship in the fandom

A situation with this character that I want to see explored more

Listen. The toy line, which technically yeah sure not technically canon, but the toyline. calls her a warrior princess. was this just to sell toys? yeah probably. am I still intrigued. most definitely. Is Agura a motherfucking princess!!??

An interesting AU for this character

I can’t use the au I used for tezz, cause she’d be dead in that one. hmm. I just had a galaxy brain idea but what if everyone on the team got weapons with their vehicles and not just vert.

Give Agura a big sword.

OH SHIT I forgot about an idea I’ve had in the past but I don’t want to erase the give sword idea, one of those swapped aus shows have, agura and tezz are swapped tezz is on the team since the begining, is a little better w people, not by much he’s still but he didn’t spend his childhood alone fighting robots and sentients, and Agura got stuck on Vandal and becomes warlord within a year. Basically, trapped on alien planet--> I run this now. by time bf5 meet the vandals they’re allies not conquerors.

A crossover

yeah really just read what I wrote for tezz’s, the only way agura’s would change is if she’s a warrior princess like xena that could be fun, but cars and bf5′s whole thing would be super out of place.

OTP (or OT3+ etc…. just… favourite ship)

don’t really have any, Agura/Grace if I have to

Other ships?

Agura/Sage

BROTP

Agura and the Cortez brothers!

NOTP

any straight ship with her is lame

An assortment of headcanons!

I know I’m not over the toyline but like. what if she was just a princess the entire fucking time. and was just way chill about it. imagine the shutdown

Stanford: ~I’m 189th in line for the throne~

Agura: cool I’m 2nd, but if it becomes relevant before my nephew is an adult I’ll be acting monarch until he’s old enough for the responsibility.

Stanford.exe has stopped responding

Mermista

What I like about them

I like swimming, she’s a mermaid

What I dislike about them

she’s vaguely got rude older sister in a sit com where the younger brother is the main character written by people who don’t have siblings, but like not really?

Favourite moment

“mermista will swim through the sewer system” “I’m sorry mermista will what?” but she still does it.

Least favourite moment

hhmmm not sure, she was in 5 episodes and I liked her, I guess early on when I saw her and sea hawk interact before I knew what their relationship was like and I thought she genuinely didn’t like him her intro scene was kinda :/

A situation with this character that I want to see explored more

well I’m expecting a princess with fire powers eventually (I haven’t seen original she-ra so I don’t know if that’s an accurate assumption) and fire/ water powers are always cool to see interacting.

An interesting AU for this character

maybe I’ve been reading too much of that she-ra dnd blog but she’s an eldritch knight with the control water cantrip and that’s gud

A crossover

it’d be neat to see her and Lapis Lazuli interact

OTP (or OT3+ etc…. just… favourite ship)

Mermista/Sea Hawk. It’s a twist on what we normally see where the guy in a het relationship is emotionally distant and the girl does all the emotional labor, but even then mermista obviously cares about sea hawk a lot, she is just not comfortable expressing affection, and he respects her boundaries and absolutely adores her.

Other ships?

did you see how she looked at adora after she transformed into she-ra? I don’t actually ship them but every princess is gay for she-ra

BROTP

With what we have so far I’d like to say frosta, just cause water/ice powers.

NOTP

I don’t think I’ve seen anything with her that I had a negative reaction too   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I mean I guess frosta, we don’t have confirmed ages for any of them except for forsta who is decidedly way younger than the other princesses.

An assortment of headcanons!

the girl is bi

she had the mermaid tail before the people legs, and the tail is the default setting

[classicalafros67]

Let's talk about Gender

 I feel that this conversation always brings up a can of worms, and that people are immediately ready with prime typing fingers to respond, "lol there are only to genders, male and female," or something along the lines of, "if you have a penis ur a dude lol, no changing biology, sorry." Before I go into that in depth, I believe that, as a really great professor recently told me, I should go into the academic theory of it all. As I mentioned in my last post, I want this conversation to be constructive, so in order for me to even begin thinking of starting this conversation anywhere, I will first tackle the theory of socialization, then identity, then gender. (And hope I can explain it in a way that is clear.) To be completely honest though, this will be a long one folks, and one which I cannot shorten. It is imperative that we understand this before we dive into discussion, however, I invite you to scroll through the discussion (starting in the fourth paragraph) and refer back to the few paragraphs before explaining the theory if you get confused about anything.

First, let’s talk about socialization. A quick definition of socialization is the process of learning to behave in a way that is acceptable in a society. It is very interesting how socialization happens as we utilize symbols. (symbols will used in a way to portray things that form cultures such as the media, consumer products, linguistics, vernacular, art, and even behavior) Take the example of media – the way people tell the news, or who’s the obvious target for that Axe body spray or Dove deodorant. Consider how these symbols that you grew up with may have affected your world view. Next, think of the ways these symbols are distributed and how. These symbols are distributed through what we call vehicles of influences. We break this up into three parts: intimacy, repetition, and reach. Intimacy being the exposure of symbols through people we know or trust. (e.g friends of family) Repetition being the multitude of times that you are exposed to a symbol. (e.g. if you’ve had a discussion on gender multiple times, as I’ve had, and you’re reading this and probably hearing the same things more than once about gender once we, finally, get into it) Then reach being the weight and geography of people being exposed to a symbol all at once. (e.g. Hasan Piker’s, a host and producer on The Young Turks, reach to expose or repeat symbols towards others is WAY wider than my blog which I’ll assume will only reach a couple people)

After learning this, we are left to ask how socialization is negotiated. According to scholar and professor Nancy Armstrong, “Culture is a struggle among its various factions to control its signs and symbols.” How do we control the symbols to form the desired culture? Like with the vehicles of influence, there are three ways: maintaining (the status quo or current/accepted condition), transforming (deviating from the status quo), or repairing (sactioning the transformation).

Phew! That’s a lot of theory! And we’re not done, but I promise there’s not a lot of theory left. (we’ll get cracking on TRANSFORMING GENDER soon! Radical!!) The last piece is the theory of identity and how that puzzle piece fits into socialization. (although, there’s a pretty obvious hint if you thought about your world view development!) Identity is how you perceive yourself. It is also a performance of expectations of behaviors based upon the category we put ourselves in while interacting with others. The theory of identity breaks itself into four largely entangling parts: self-concept (our expectations of a category or a performance), self-esteem (how well does one/I fit into this category/schema?), expectations (self definitive), and performance.

Now onto gender! I first learned about what gender meant sociologically. In Jeanne H.Ballantine’s third edition of, Our Social World, gender is a, “socially constructed meaning associated with being male or female… and how individuals construct their identity in terms of gender within these constraints” (246). Gender is mostly based off of sex and stereotypes of what is masculine and feminine.  Definitions of masculinity and femininity are different in the United States than they are in Spain or Indonesia, and so on. One could even believe that gender is made up accordingly to a society; hence social construct. (It is also important to note that gender and sex, while entangled, are not the same thing.) However, when it comes to the psychological definition in John W. Santrock’s, Adolescence, “Gender refers to the characteristics of people as males and females” (168). And when we consider gender and adolescence together, there’s a group of other things to consider. As one can see, there is not a concrete definition of gender, especially when you consider beyond the biological and stereotypically. I vehemently believe that there will never be a concrete definition for gender when you consider identifications beyond the binary of male or female. I also believe that this scares people because for so long, the symbols of our culture have maintained the bifurcation of male or female with no negotiation of the spectrum of this. Even when one considers the biological makeup of a person, their primary and secondary sex characteristics, their sex chromosomes, (XY, XYX, XXX, and more), there is not a true binary for that either. Another example of this would be someone who is intersex. (Intersex being when one has a reproductive or sexual anatomy/ies that do not seem to fit the typical binary definitions of female or male) So with all this complexity in mind, why do we look at gender and sex as a binary? Why do we sanction a person’s gender identity or even gender expression when it doesn’t fit our concepts or expectations? Actually, it is for that exact reason that we sanction it. We have been socialized (Western culture) to see gender and sex as a binary. (e.g. these are girl toys, these are men’s jeans, that soap is for guys) Think of my Axe body spray and Dove soap examples. To which genders are the products targeting? (Why is there a section in the Walmart dedicated to Men’s Dove Soap?) The transformation of this binary is seen as a threat not only to gender identity, but to expression and behaviors.

When it comes to gender roles, however, the definition is a little more concrete. According to Santrock, “gender role is a set expectation that prescribes how females and males should think, act, and feel” (168). When I think of a cisgender woman (cisgender meaning someone who comfortably identifies as the sex and gender they were assigned at birth), I think of long hair, pink skirt, painted nails and beautiful eyeliner. When I think of a cisgender man, I think of muscles, beard, suit and tie. These are the social expectations that have been placed in my head as to what man or woman should look and act like. Still, that expectation is never the full reality. These expectations of masculinity or femininity are best portrayed in a spectrum versus a binary.

 Take me for example. I identify as a cisgender male. I stated my self-conceptions of what a cisgender male should look like, and we have been socialized to know what a masculine man should act like. In fact, the archetype of masculinity would be a strong, in-control man whom is out of touch emotionally. (Lee, Shaw 119) I remember once in a psychology class, when we were asked to name some typical characteristics of being male we could identify with, I could barely name any. I was able to do a better job at naming some typical characteristics of a female. I believe that this is because I grew up around cisgender women, who conformed to scripts of femininity, as a kid. My father raised me with my mom, but I mostly grew up around the women in our family, and I looked up to my mom more than my dad because she was around me the most. Even when I moved in with my dad, the majority in that house were women as well. I was encouraged to like art, nature, and music, and my father did not like that so much because those subjects were not seen as manly. In my mind, especially as I grew up, my father had a ridiculous personality; bottling up emotions, having explosive fits of rage, being irrational, never truly thinking deeply about things and so on. With that, I imitated my mom, who was the exact opposite from my dad. It wasn’t until high school, after I came out to my father as gay, that I tried to imitate his masculinity in order to gain his praise again. I got into sports, tried to anyway, and joined the speech team and so on. The speech team is an example of me demonstrating my report talk which in Deborah Tannen’s definition is the, “talk that gives information” (179). Public speaking is an example of this, and according to her, males are typically good at this. I did not think too deeply into this when I was 14, but I think I somehow knew that public speaking was typically seen as a “boy thing” rather than a “girl thing.” But of course, I quit speech my junior year of high school because I was way better at music than I was at public speaking. Can you see ways that my family, mainly my father, maintained the status quo of masculinity, in this case to the point of toxicity, and attempted to repair my feminine characteristics especially when I came out?  Despite my many feminine characteristics, I do believe that I also have some masculine traits due to how I survived my social environment. (performance according to interactions) I was bullied a lot through elementary and middle school for many reasons; I was short, I was skinny, I was black, and I was suspected to be gay even at that time. My parents raised me to believe that when someone bullies you, you stand up to them. This belief caused me to become very aggressive as a child. I got into a lot of fights with many of my bullies. One fight I got into ended with me gaining some permanent scars on my face. Additionally, as a young adult, I weightlift now along with running, and I’m surprisingly strong when it comes to that. I become very aggressive and forceful when I’m in the gym.

 I could probably list off a hundred more things that I do that can be seen as both masculine and feminine, but why does any of this matter? Why is so important that I stay healthy? Why does it MATTER how aggressive I am or how many fights I’ve been in? I share my story without taking care to how I talk about it to show you that I am also victim to this socialization. I was victim to thinking that I needed to fit perfectly into the binary of a masculine cisgender male. However, my love for art and music complicated this, my love for makeup complicated this, my open expressiveness complicated this, and my queerness complicated this. At every step of these complications, someone would attempt or succeed in sanctioning this whether it be myself and my low self-esteem (or my “despite my feminine characteristics” quip), the bullying, the suggestions to play football instead of sing in that musical, or the disgusted shouts from grandma if I walked downstairs with eyeshadow on. With constrictive symbols and the refusal to extend or accept the potential symbols into other categories, we effectively repair them, sanction them, and punish those who dare to try to transform these symbols. It is evident that these repairs and even the maintenance itself causes harm. The socialization of gender, sex and expression as a binary in itself isn’t the problem. It is the refusal to accept these categories are more complex than a binary. It is the repairs that we place upon the people who do not fit the binary of these categories.

We refuse to listen to each other, empathize with one another, and effectively continue to discover new, more intellectual and complex ways to see a sign or a symbol. We argue with each other in guise of discourse learning nothing from each other —for the goal is to be right, not to learn. This effectively lets these repairs upon transformation persist especially when it comes the topic of gender and gender expression. And so the cycle of ignorance continues. I know that I did not cover everything,(I’m think that I might have to break this into parts) so please leave some answers to my questions, advance this conversation here and abroad, and be the transformation not the repair.

Sources:

Santrock, J. (2010). Adolescence (13th ed.)

Ballantine J; Roberts, K. (2014). Our Social World (3rd ed.)

Lee J; Shaw S. (2015). Women’s Voices, Feminist Visions (5th ed.)

[annebrontesrequiem]

Hello there! If it's alright with you, may I request headcanons for the RFA+V and Saeran finding out and interacting with a male MC? If I remember right, I think there was an option claiming you were a boy in the beginning but someone ends up shooting it down. I'm very sorry if this request is bothering you in anyway, there isn't a lot of content of Male!MC around since MM is an otome game so I've just been a little curious. (´•ω•̥`)

Okay, so I hope I did a good job with this! I’m so awful too! You’re so nice but this took me soooo lol. Anyway, hope you like lol! I think I did an okayyyy job haha!

Zen

He didn’t realize that you were a boy

He wasn’t paying much attention to Seven when he was talking about you, but hey, he knew now lol *cries in corner*

“Hey, Zen?” You messaged one day.

“Yeah?”

“How come you call me she? I’m a boy.”

“Oh… well, um, haha, I thought you were a girl…”

He’d never been more embarrassed in his entire life

But fortunately, you took it in stride and the whole thing was soon forgot

He was super excited to meet you at the party, it was the big thing he’d been waiting for ever since you joined

You’d sent him a picture of your brown suit with the dark blue tie, and he was in love with it lol

He’d also sent you his white tux and you had texted back so many smiley-hearts faces he was afraid the app would crash

By this time, you two had become very close

So, when you saw him you immediately ran and tackled him in a huge hug

He definitely returned the hug

After you two were just talking, catching up on everything you hadn’t already told each other

You guys spent hours talking, only being interrupted the few moments that you had to deal with someone about the party

That night you two walked to his house and you slept over

You were very excited and had a wonderful time

Now you two borrow each other’s clothes, and other things

He even got you to use his shampoo haha

It’s all around wonderful

You two love each other so much

Yoosung

He felt a little awkward by it

You were too tall, had too much muscle

How was he supposed to be big spoon now!

#dreamsdashed

But your personality was the exact opposite, you were very shy and apprehensive of new people, even him

It took you two a bit to really strike up a conversation in person

You mostly just fussed about him and played with your bangs

He found you so cute and so… so fluffy!

The best part to him was being big spoon

Evenifhecouldbarelydoit

You guys didn’t sleep over for a while, but after a while, when you became much closer, you two did it almost every weekend

It was a life of absolute bliss

Jaehee

Usually she didn’t like… guys

She saw them as icky, and, well, kind of stupid

Let’sbehonesteveryonethinksthat

Sorrynotsorry

So, she was pleasantly surprised that when she first met you in the group chat you were very logical and understanding

You two struck up some very interesting conversations and debates about stocks, chess, and politics

It was so much fun, she enjoyed it so much and, despite herself, was eagerly anticipating you two meeting at the party

When you two met up at the party it was as if you two were old friends, not people who had barely met and weren’t used to this kind of interaction

You two talked the whole night, and on the phone the next day

After you two would meet up often at cafés, you even helped her with her coffee-shop dreams

It was a wonderful way of life

From then on you were always there

Mainlytogetthethingsshecouldn’treach

Jumin

Oh, wasn’t this great

There was a new guy in the chat

A new, VERY good-looking guy

But more importantly…

This dude was actually smart!

You weren’t obnoxious like Zen, or silly like Saeyoung, or naïve like Yoosung

He talked to you in private more than in the group chats!

It was crazy how close you two’d become

He asked you about business, cars, clothing, everything really

And in turn you asked the same

He’d never been so close to a human, guy or girl

The others might’ve thought your gender weird, but it didn’t really matter to him

Man, or woman you were a wonderful person to talk and confide in

Regardless of how close though, people were amazed that the Jumin Han was spending all his time around a, an unknown man! People were amazed and gossiping the whole time

The next day it was all over the tabloids and you were half tempted to never speak to anyone again

Jumin called you and texted your number multiple times, but you didn’t pick up until it was around 22:00

By then he was practically frantic, and afraid you’d gone and done something stupid

So, when you picked up he sighed with relief

“Jumin, I don’t want to keep talking if it’s going to happen, it’s not good for me, or you either.”

“Please MC, I promise I’ll make sure this won’t happen again.”

“Just let me think about it…”

It took you a while, but eventually you two would meet up in quiet cafés

When you finally talked to him at another part he was practically jumping with joy

“Hello Jumin.”

“Hello, MC.”

You guys talked the night away and, to his delight, it didn’t even matter

Saeyoung

“OOH IT’S A GUY!”

That one text was met with a groan, or at least no surprise

Another guy wasn’t that big of a surprise

But he was intrigued by the mysterious figure who’d just appeared, as if out of nowhere

You were pretty open, and it wasn’t like you were criminal or anything

In fact, you were very innocent and trusting, something that made him feeling very protective

He was insistent on looking out for you

Which was why when the party finally happened he was all on you like a mother cat

“You sure this is safe! What about this! Everything okay!”

“I’m not going to die”

“YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!”

WhySaeyoung

You two actually hit it off very nicely

Very, very, very nicely

You guys goofed off, laughed, cried, and all-around had fun

He came to your apartment and you guys had basically the world’s best sleepover

The rest of the RFA might’ve never seen what he saw in you, but he sure as Hell loved you

And he was never going to let anyone make you feel bad about it

Oranythingforthatmatter

Okay, so I’ll do Saeran and V later, since my PC is literally going to die. I hope you like!!!! Sorry this took so long!! TTTTTTTTT

Sorryyyyyy!

Btw sorry this is so awful.

[daehnii]

B.A.P party baby in D.C. Fanaccount

I wanna start this out by saying how much I adore B.A.P and how much this D.C. Concert means to me. I actually went to see them at this exact venue four years ago. Back then I was a sophomore in high school and now I’m a sophomore in college and I just idk it’s so important to me bc I’ve grown up as a person and B.A.P has really helped me do so and follow my dreams so lmao I’m emotional and my night couldn’t have been better. 

I just wanted to see them again with hi touch and photo op and I got so much more out of tonight god fuck

More info on my night underneath!!!!!

 Ok so b shoo is really good like he got some jams. It really got the venue even more hyped up and it was great. 

I can’t remember the exact order of the songs so I’m just gonna spew words lol HIMJAE was so cute I got a vid of it omg himchan stroked Jae’s face ahhahahaha in the beginning it was mainly bangdaeup on my side and it was GOOD god fuck their voices are so good and Zelo kept coming over to our side so I got many videos of him. Hearing B.A.P live is amazing like their voices are so pure and so beautiful? 

 Yongguk: So happy so so happy to see him on the stage again, he had a water gun and he was trying to use it but I think he didn’t know how hahahahahaha but he figured it out! And sprayed us all lollll he wore sunglasses most of the show and was on our side A LOT and he just looked so in his element and lifted his arms and swayed a lot like his calm kinda dancing, I cheered so much for his parts in skydive I just seeing skydive as ot6 really made me want to cry omg he just looked so comfy and happy also during be happy he lifted his shirt and showed his stomach and it was sorta not like abs but flat and I just seeing him fed is so good to me like you don’t need abs u beautiful man and his voice idk I just feel IT IN MY SOUL oh my god when he speaks and raps it just envelopes you I reallly love him so much 

 Himchan: he came over to our side near the end half and goddamn he slays, he was having such a good time and kept jumping up and down and he kept blowing kisses and looking up at the balcony, seeing him do his bunny smile is so good and pure and amazing and god his voice was amazing like jeez I’ve always been so in love with his speaking voice and laugh so hearing him speak and laugh love is just usgfjkglb He kept putting his arm around Jongup too hahahaha and gave him a rose as well and it was adorable

 Daehyun: HE WAS SO EXTRA like he ran up to so many phones and sang to people and high fived people and blew kisses and threw hearts and he threw me and my friend a heart and I just cry omg he really is such a sweetheart and joked a lot too and kept saying I love you to everyone, his solo was so good like he’s really improving so much and his dance jesus fuck I exploded, seeing him smile is so amazing and his vocals were so so so good and clean, he really did so well I’m so proud of him, and during some point he wiggled his butt in front of the crowd as his dance and LMAO why are you learning from junhong hahahahaha Daejae was prevalent oh my god, they ran forward during Spy I think, held onto each other and did that hella corny dance where they sway their hips oh my god and they held onto each other a lot it was so cute like I love seeing them have fun and mess around with each other

  Youngjae: JEEZ BALL OF ENERGY he didn’t come to our side that often but I tried to get as many vids of him omg he was going ham on the crowd and spraying so much water on the other side and like during the songs where they don’t do choreo watching youngjae jump and dance and just enjoy himself is literally the best thing to grace your eyes with, he’s so bubbly and amazing and such a ball of sunshine oh my god he also gave the cutest waves and he waved at my friend right next to me uahdjkfkvlb his voice was A++++ god frick he’s got such good vocals I cry 

  Jongup: As soon as the song starts he’s like HOT DAMN but when they did talks or their more free songs he was the softest bean omg, istg he kept looking in our direction but I don’t know if he actually saw people? Cause sometimes this boy forgets to wear his contacts lmao but hot damn his solo stage was on fire, I wanted to cry lava tears he’s really so amazing live and seeing the way his body moves when he does their choreo is so clean and crisp and he always has a little smirk on like ???? Pls pls calm my heart but he literally would give the shyest smiles and waves and ended his little speech with a half heart and I cry I love him so much

  Zelo: ok I can say with certainty that this boy came after me tonight like he was literally in front of us for almost the entire concert and I’ve always loved the way he dances BUT GODDAMN THE WAY HE DANCES and he was such a cheeky kid ahhahahaha he didn’t do much fanservice overall but he picked tonight! And he chose this cute girl and said bc of her tattoos on her arm ALSO I saw junhong’s tattoo when ever he jumped and his shirt rose up and I caught it on video bless, but also when the girl said her name was Jordan he literally pretended to jump and dump hoops I cry whys he like this, but the vid they made seemed to be super cute also this kid wiggled his butt so much at the crowd like pls calm down I cry, his solo was so amazing I’m literally Beaming at how good his voice sounded and how cute the lyrics were. I got a nice af fancam of it too hahahaha I love him so much god fuck 

Encore: y'all during encore I was near the stage and goddamn personal space was non existent lol and they did bang x2 and Himchan and Jongup were head banging on our side it was so good, Himchan was yelling so much and then held his throat and said ah it hurts I think he yelled too much he had the cutest pout oh my god, then him and Jongup just kept head banging and singing and it was amazing, and then they ran down and high fived us all I am blessed oh my god, before he high fived me Jongup gave the sweetest smile oh my god then Himchan came around and hi fived me too but I didn’t get to record any of it cause I forgot TO PRESS RECORD OH MY GOD but I got a video of Youngjae being such a cute excited bun I’m gonna post all of them fancams bc I have a new phone and it’s good quality!!!!! I think hahaha 

High touch!!! 

Order was yongguk daehyun Jongup youngjae zelo and himchan (I think it was this order idk I’m so shaken up rn) 

 They’re really beautiful in person, I just can not explain how radiant and golden their skin is. And how beautiful their smiles are. 

 Yongguk was first and I told him I loved him and he smiled that slow gummy smile and I just melted, his smile is so calming like I felt like everything in my life was gonna go well like idk it was such a feeling 

 Daehyun was laughing bc the person in front of me made him smile so wide and I got to see it (bless you Kem) and I said I loved you and he was still smiling so wide, he looks like sunshine in a boy 

 Jongup is so soft and cute. Oh god I failed Cindy and forgot to tell him she’ll be in Chicago but I did tell him I loved him and thought he was beautiful and he smiled softly and I just wowowowow also Jongups got nice hands 

 Youngjae goddamn Youngjae has the nicest cheeks like when he smiles even slightly his apple cheeks rise and like they glowed???? I literally blurted “you’re cute I love you so much” Jesus I just idk his face is so perfect and I swear to you all he’s more beautiful in person, the camera literally does him no justice so watch out if you see him in person you’ll literally be out of breath 

 ZELO JUNHONG MY BOY I’m sorry im so shaken up at my interaction with him. He was sitting on the table and leaned on one arm as he high fived people and I just idk I approached him ready to say I love you and his eyes widened like how do I even describe this he looked a little taken aback, like not recoil cause it was only his eyes that sorta like flashed and widened when he first looked at me and literally everyone I’ve told is like “he thought you were cute” or “it’s a sign of attraction” and I just can’t breathe rn idk like fuck I’ll post some selfies and photos later idk man and I said I love so you and he just sorta looked at me and my ass chickened out and went on to himchan. Like I’m not ready to die of a heart failure. 

 Himchan, ok I said I wasn’t ready for heart failure and goddamn Himchan is so gorgeous, he’s got such nice eyes and I’m loving this soft brown hair on him. And we high fived and he’s got such soft hands and I said “I love you” and when you look at his eyes they glitter, like no matter where, his eyes catch the light and it’s amazing

Photo op!!! So line up was the same as high touch and I walked in and like was sorta walking straight at Daehyun and I smiled and nodded my head and he smiled back so sweetly and I looked at Youngjae and smiled and like didn’t see his reaction bc I went and SWERVED and stood in front of Junhong and god fuck he’s tall like I’m not that short I don’t think, I’m 5'7 and like the top of my head reaches his chin basically ahahaha and I turn around and I smile and say “Hi <3” like shiest I’ve ever been let me tell you and he looked down at me and I just. fuck my heart skipped a beat and I chickened out again at looking at his smile and turned around for the photo and I felt FELT his chuckle against my back and I’m just dying rn, his voice was soft and deep and I just wow I’m emotional, after the photos were taken (god I hoped I looked ok) I CHICKENED OUT and didn’t tell Junhong I loved him again, and then I looked straight at Himchan and said you’re beautiful and then held up my hand and said hi five and he did uahdjkglb bless himchan I got like 3 hi fives from him tonight 

all in all bap are tall and handsome and do not look at them unless you want heart failure and to fall in love so sososososoososo much more 

I stood outside waiting for my friend for a bit to find me and they came up to the doors and waved and it was adorable oh my god and we ended up seeing their van leave and we waved and someone inside the van waved back with their flashlight on I love them so much.

[roadtorima-blog]

reading between the signs.

I didn’t “read between the signs” until recently, mostly because i didn’t believe they were signs at all. I honestly don’t know exactly when I stopped doubting the signs i was seeing, but I do remember the first sign that gave me no room to doubt its meaning: what i like to call the “unlikely ladybug.”

but let’s backtrack for a minute. 2015 and 2016 were two of my roughest years. when I say “roughest,” I do not mean that these were overall bad years for me; i am blessed enough to say that I have never experienced an overall bad year - let alone week - in my 24 years living. you might say that the positivity is due to circumstance, but I would argue that it’s equally (if not more so) due to perspective. anyway, I digress...

i went through some things in 2015 and ‘16 that i traumatized and hurt me in ways that i could have never imagined. i believe that i will never go through those things again, but, until recently, i was reliving some of that pain just by virtue of not confronting the remnants of emotions that those experiences left behind. 

i used to think that true liberation and bravery came in the form of transparency and willingness to yell your deepest fears and most hurtful experiences on the highest mountaintop; concurrently, i used to believe that the things i was unable to speak/write about were those same things that had a hold on me, that were unresolved, my kryptonite(s) of sorts. i no longer feel this way about the inextricable correlation between communication and bravery. some things don’t need to be discussed publicly for them to be resolved. some things i can never discuss on this blog out of respect for who and what i represent, but that’s a topic for another blog post.. again (and like i will continue to do so throughout these posts unapologetically) I digress...

long story short, i was “going through it,” and the worst part about it is that I didn’t really want to let myself admit that i was feeling hurt, damaged and less powerful. instead, i sought out activities and behaviors (that soon became habits) that further perpetuated the disconnect i was feeling between me and myself. i was going out, A LOT; avoiding family; avoiding pretty much anything that provoked the deep, critical conversations that I needed to have with myself. i stopped writing. i formed intentionally temporary relationships with people because they helped me forget. i was fighting with the people who cared about me the most. i brought pain and tears to those people because they couldn't understand why i was not confiding in them; why i was "braving” (more like cowering) through this “storm” alone, without even letting them watch through a window. 

i remember my brother talking on the phone to his girlfriend at the time. he thought i was asleep, but i was in one of my moods where i didn’t feel like talking to anyone, so i acted asleep when he walked in my room. he said: “I don’t know what her issue is. My sister has honestly been a mess. Like a serious disaster. She doesn’t care about anything but her students and her friends right now. She’s just in this phase where she’s shutting out the whole family, and i can’t wait until it’s over.” 

i remember crying for an hour after overhearing that conversation. i allowed myself to rationalize it by pretending i was upset that he would be discussing my personal life with someone else, and that i felt betrayed by his words. the truth is that he was right, and it hurt me so much that i was allowing my behavior to make my family feel like i didn’t care about them. it hurt even more because i wasn’t planning on changing anytime soon, so i blocked out the truth behind his words, and convinced myself that i was just upset that he said that.

instead of confronting what was so clearly there, i spent a lot of nights in my room trying to let my rage out in the form of slightly satisfying sob sessions that weren’t loud enough for my parents and younger sister to hear. no follow up. no much needed writing session. no intervention and promise to start acting from a place of self-love. just temporarily cathartic crying sessions to get me through the next day. 

one of these nights was most memorable to me though, and it was the same night of the “unlikely ladybug.” 

i had just had another fight with my parents that resulted in me going to my room, shutting the door and crying. even though i really can’t remember what it was about, it usually was some rendition of my very perceptive parents trying to figure out what the root cause(s) of my disconnected, withdrawn behavior was, and me resisting their attempts to understand and better love/nurture their daughter. 

this time, i was feeling particularly sorry for myself, so i texted my older brother some things about my parents that i knew i didn’t mean, just because it felt good to say those things. something along the lines of “i’m so sick of them and can’t wait to get the hell out of this house and live on my own so i never have to deal with them” (basically my 2015-16 anthem). then, it happened. 

it was the middle of the winter. i mean like January Michigan winter, and this random lady bug came out of nowhere and legit attacked me as soon as i sent that text. i call it the “unlikely ladybug” now because it was in my upstairs bedroom and just so happened to attack me as soon as I sent my text about my parents. i hadn’t seen a ladybug in months. after it attacked me, it flew over to the headboard of the bed, and just stayed there peacefully all night with me. 

i know that in my more doubtful days, i would have read this and been like “okay, so it just so happened to attack you when you really needed to get slapped, and it was in your room during the winter - big deal. stop trying to overanalyze everything.” that’s cool if that’s where you’re at too. but that night, i really couldn’t deny what i was feeling. i felt like the unlikely ladybug was a reminder to me during one of my lowest moments that i need to get my ish together. that the universe (and God) was going to hold me accountable (aka attack me lol) but love me (aka spend the night posted on my headboard) at the same time. 

as cheesy as it may sound, i felt companionship and understanding with that ladybug that night. i felt a remarkable and undeniable attempt to remind me of who i was and who i knew i was becoming. that there was a light at the end of my longest, darkest, most ambiguous tunnels. that i need to hold myself accountable when i do or say anything that counters the “rima” i know i am and the “rima” that i am working to become, because i will do and say those things occasionally. i cried myself to sleep that night because of how overwhelming the sign felt in my space, because of how badly i needed that support, but didn’t want to ask for it from anyone, let alone give it to myself.

today, i feel much happier and connected, and i still see signs almost everywhere i go. now that i’ve opened myself up to their presence and purpose, i have started connecting dots that add so much more meaning to my path. i’m not here to convince you to believe in signs. that the young girl who told me that i’m her #goals the other day in the exact moment i was having negative thoughts about myself and my body image was more than a coincidence. not trying to make you believe that the text message i got last night from my brother asking how i’m doing because he “sensed something” literally as soon as I had an anxiety attack is more than serendipity. 

i’m not really trying to convince you of anything, honestly, i just wanted to share the power in my perspective shift once i started becoming open to the greater purpose behind my interactions with the universe, because it really is a beautiful thing. now that i’m blogging/writing again, i’m going to try to capture some of the signs that i experience, whether subtle or striking, or somewhere in between. the images included in this post are but a few examples that i’ll briefly explain below.

This first sign is actually my most recent; it occurred just yesterday. I was having such an amazing day. I felt especially connected, healthy, loving. I felt like my work, life, relationships, had so much purpose and value. It was just such a great overall day, and i remember that i kept thinking about how great i was feeling all day. as soon as I got to my car, i saw my ladybug friend, and it was a beautiful affirmation. i got to my destination, and she was still on my car. i took her presence to be another reminder that, good or bad, God is there for the ride. i originally posted the picture with “serendipity,” but, i actually don’t think there was anything coincidental about it. 

I saw this “Remember Why You Started” sign during my trip to Toronto last weekend. I had recently started this blog, and was feeling really inspired to continue my #roadtorima brand and explore all of the possibilities that come along with that. but, naturally, with motivation comes mini pockets of doubt, and i believe this sign was a subtle reminder that i’m on to something.

The #RoadToOctober16th calendar was less subtle for me. I came back to my parents’ house to visit and be with my family a couple weeks ago. My father is experiencing some health issues that have had me feeling anxious and scared. I was particularly stressed coming home that day. When I walked into my room (that had recently been cleaned out), someone had taken my calendar off the wall and put it on the dresser. It was the only thing on the dresser, and its contents had been fully erased, except for the #RoadToOctober16th heading. #RoadtoOctober was singlehandedly the starting point of my entire #roadtorima journey, my commitment to better health, self-love, this blog, and pretty much all of the intentional positivity i have in my life right now. #RoadtoOctober extended far past October, but it was the light at the end of a once very dark tunnel. Seeing it was a striking reminder to stay positive, and keep doing what i’m doing.