#I hate life why must I work
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How am I suppose to function after playing the night market…. I just want to do a different path and stay home all day…. 😔I hate life
#I hate life why must I work#for what nothing#nothing in this universe matters we are simply little people on this earth trying to make sense of thing called life but why must I work#hmmm it makes no sense. I’m a simple girl I just want to watch the sky and clouds#play some video games hang out with my cat see some natural wonders… is that too much to ask#I wanna be rich to do nothing ahhhh#why am I reading research papers trying to make sense of it all when it’s all been in front of me this entire time lord imma kill myself#ahhhhh
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god I wish I could look up ftm stuff without being hit by an absolute deluge of detrans/pregnancy shit in the tags. I viscerally hate both of those things to the point that I mostly just don't go looking anymore because it isn't worth it. would it be so damn hard to not put those things under the regular ftm tag.
I don't blame the people with those kinks for having them mind you, it just feels really inconsiderate to be throwing your "teehee I'm a confused girl" fantasy shit directly into the faces of anyone who searches ftm tags and might already be really fucking tired of hearing that from people who are completely serious.
#considering how much work it is in real life just to get people to stop treating me like Nonbinary Plus™ it's just. must we#why is everyone's first reaction to trans men apparently to find absolutely any excuse to not refer to them as men#I mean I know why it's because we let the terfs con everyone into their whole 'the only correct opinion about men is to hate them' tripe#but still it's annoying and disheartening like no wonder I've got perpetual imposter syndrome#even my fuckin mom after I came out was like 'oh yes you know I've always seen you as more gender neutral'#WELL THAT SUCKS FOR YOU BECAUSE I'M NOT#I HAVE A GENDER. NOT THE GENDER ANYONE APPARENTLY WANTS ME TO HAVE BUT I HAVE IT NONETHELESS#DON'T REALLY CARE ANYMORE THAT IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE NOT BEING ABLE TO SHIT ON MEN AROUND ME#the really annoying thing is that the whole 'trans fetishization' thing (WHEN IT'S CONSENSUAL) can be hot just.#not in the way these people are doing it
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(´･ᴗ･ ` )
#I really like the “We're the bad guys' enemy” line. For someone I generally despise Dazai has all my favourite lines in this show…#Idk I can't really vibe with the unbalance that there is between s/kk.#Like when push comes to shove‚ Dazai has the power to keep Chuuya alive or let him die.#I understand why they make a compelling dynamic in their complexity‚ but it just doesn't do it for me.#I'm a little sad my opinion on them hasn't really changed since I watched the anime for the first time...#Also; I really can't vibe with Chuuya allowing Dazai to kill Q. Yes I know Chuuya cares about his comrades deeply.#Yes I know it can be interpreted as Chuuya seeing himself in Q as a living weapon and being disgusted by it#(though I honestly don't think that was intentional of the author).#Yes I know Chuuya is a mafioso and kills people. No I don't think your personal issues justify you being a dick to other people I'm sorry.#Back to my main annoyance with the episode: I must have already talked about this but I hate hate hate the narrative#“the mafia works for the city” “the mafia deeply loves the city too” it's so so sickening and insulting please stop I'm begging.#Please visit any actual city with a rooted mafia presence for once in your life (signed: someone whose hometown was destroyed by the mafia.#The writers really don't know what they're talking about and‚ politely‚ it's offensive.)#Also b/sd keeping being extremely nationalist with Mori (who's largely depicted unsimphatetically for the first part of the episode)–#bringing up western thinkers and subtly mocking Fukuzawa for not knowing them–#and Fukuzawa (the righteous man. the noble spirit and just soul in this episode and Mori's antithesis)–#stepping forward to say that he knows strategists from the east (because who else would he need?)#I don't know if it's meant to symbolize the conflict with an hostile and invading foreign power (the Guild).#But it does come across as. A very isolationist way of thinking.#I know it's subtle but it's really evident for me. And I didn't want to talk about this any further…#But by bringing actual examples of this I hope I can better explain why I think that b/sd holds nationalist views–#and that I'm not just making it up out of nowhere. Otherwise I fear I'd only come off as pettily hostile to b/sd in everything#That's it. I feel like I've been losing a lot of mutuals over my main recently due to not shutting up (sorry)#so I suppose it's only fair I lose them on here too pffttt.#Tune in next week for more bad takes#random rambles
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Incredibly frustrated by how condescendingly jaded my uncle can be but I’m being so brave about it <- not blowing him up with my mind even though I want to
#ra speaks#personal#I love him. but my dude. bruh.#made a comment abt how I should try working/volunteering w the homeless#after I commented on his tirade abt homeless ppl ‘gaming the system’ by getting arrested in the winter#to have somewhere warm w food to stay like ‘why are we not talking about how fucked it is that the homeless will fucking die if they don’t?#like sir. buddy. you do remember that I grew up on food stamp right? I have gone to a food bank as a recipient before.#I’ve volunteered at shelters and soup kitchens before. I know addicts and homeless people in town.#this isn’t some naive wide eyed college socialist ‘those poor homeless people are saints’ schitck#this is a tired university food pantry anarchist ‘aren’t you fucking tired of being cruel to people who make the best o thr circumstances?’#sorry you can no longer see the divine value of every human life and must endure the tragedy#of considering everyone not to your standard a lost cause.#some of us see the work to be done and will be doing it instead of wallowing in hate and pity.#shut up and get to work like the rest of us if you hate it so much.#it’s just like *strangled him* you see me twice a year dude I DO WORK AT A SOUP KITCHEN YOU IDIOT#I just don’t talk abt it because it’s just something I do sorry I thought making acts of charity your whole personality#was vain and frowned upon in christian society???#this makes my plans to ditch academia and go into fulltime aid work feel all the more. idk vindicated???#that’s not the right word but you get it. uncle t I love you but you know fuck all and have hardened your heart to the world.#god break that heart of stone you have and bless you with love for your fellow man. or whatever.#for context this convo happened like two years ago but I saw him last week and in light of recent personal revelations I’ve remembered it#core memory locked in ‘are you for fucking real uncle t?’#vocational woes
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stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying
I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.
#it's really sad I'll skip the meds sometimes to try to sleep and it doesn't even help. I just feel worse while awake.#The real reason i can't sleep is because im screwing myself over by doing no work and im terrified im going to fail my fucking classes#and theyre all going to say im crazy if I fail my classes. theyre going to say im crazy and I self sabotaged on purpose#bc i dont want to succeed. Dad says that every day#Dad loves telling me everytjhing wrong with me multiple times a day every day so i never ever forget#hes so helpful. He's trying so hard to help. If i dont answer the phone he starts worrying ive committed suicide#again i was suicidal one week in 2019. Get the fuck over it. You've literally threatened to kill yourself multiple times. Fucking hypocrite#a bunch of my friends are going to graduate this semester and best case scenario i graudate next semester and then I'll lose touch with eve#ybody#and then the good times are over and life is boring and hell forever and ill get more disabled every year until I can't work and then I'll#run out of money and die#you know when I talked to my genetics professor about the alzheimer's results he said somethign will kill you eventually and it#wont be that unless you live to old age which will be good!#so true bestie. so ture#Guys lets be real here. Why the fuck. Do we live. why. It is so goddamn hard. Maybe it;s easy when u get sleep . But that hasn't happened t#me for a while#all my classes end next week and i havent done most assignments since spring break#also over spring break my parents met w a lawyer to revise their will adn afterwards dad told me im executor and explained to me what will#happen after each person in my family dies.#the assumption is that I will outlive everyone. they don't think my sister will live to old age adn they are already old#the lawyer apparently has clients with the same disability as me and all of them had the same thing happen. Once they get another disabilit#and get older it becomes impossible to manage IH and they cant work til retirement age#i just spent an hour typing this shit instead of sleeping. 4am-730am sleep lets go. I should kill myself#i hate my parents fucking advicce bc they;; be like well when i was ur age I was married it sure must suck to be single!!!! fuck you guys f
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I now go to the place that I hate most. The place where any chance of being in a good mood goes to die. Where my life force is slowly drained until I am a shell of myself by time I leave. The place that I know that no matter how long I escape it, I will have to crawl back at one point or another.
Time to go to work
#i hate it here#why must there always be more bills#anti work#please i just want to live my gay ass life#not grind my body away for a company that doesnt give a fuck about me
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my vision. luvdisc.
#doodles#fanart#cowboy bebop#spike spiegel#trainer bebop#pokemon#luvdisc#''green why didnt you just photoshop them in instead'' because i wanted to talk about the au. in the tags.#i have no other outlet to talk about trainer bebop okay. anyways.#ive been thinking lately that like. spike had given julia an applin.#and then she dies. and then i just#forgot about the applin????#(at that point a flapple.)#what im saying is that spike SHOULD keep the flapple but that also#ruins my vision. my spike pink pokemon only vision.#its so awful. i hate this life. spike cant keep the flapple because ITS NOT PINK!!!!!!!!!!#death and destruction. chaos blast. im losing my mind.#WHAT HAPPENS TO HER FLAPPLE??#i fucking. kill it alongside her. thats so sad. but it would be symbolic.....#i hate this life i dont want to kill it. but it must be done.#im crying.#anyways this is what i wanted to work through in my head. thanks guys.
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well. i DO know how joan of arc felt.
#read souriau's the work to be done and the portion where he talks about how when an individual realises he has been called upon by a work#which he must realise in the time he spends with it he is not alone#and the work is not alone either they are in intimate whispering union with one another#& i have had this many times but this week has been the experience of trying to get the work its proper due realization while someone#(assigned classmate for group project) is actively insulting me & thwarting me at every turn#he doesn't get what im trying to do or why i must do it and as a result thinks i am an insane idiot and hates my guts#insults everything i do and tries to get me to drop the insistence on what i know is the right way to proceed#& it is objectively awful but also the whole time the work itself is there saying i am the one who matters and if you do anything except#ignore him and get on with my realization you are betraying me#and people don't get it they're like why don't you just drop it & let this guy have his way. or alternatively why don't you tell him#to fuck off & drop the project. it's clearly taking a lot out of you you're letting this guy ruin your life etc#and its not the guy its the work. the work demands#and im so oddly at peace with it. he sent me like 9 messages nitpicking every portion of my section & it was so strange#bc i was like yes this hurts my feelings at the same time the work itself is by my side like the angels speaking to joan when she was#being tortured. you say i am of the devil i have none to defend me#but the angels are there by my side and i know i belong to them as they belong to me
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ummmm
#oh mika there is beauty in life~ look at your future! everything will be worth it in the end~#my favorite image on this device btw ^#cw negative#cw vent#you know where this is going. apologies my mind is a mess and i really just need to get it out because i find its better than-#-writing a semi formal email to that One (1) emotional support organization and i’m afraid to make a call so#but i just genuinely believe things would be better off if i weren’t alive. a bit of a silly thing to jump to i know but#my tuition fees aren't cheap and i'm not even that great of a student or a daughter or a sister and i-#-have no talents or remarkable feats. i’m not impressive in any way. and i hate hearing shit about how ^_^ its okay! we all have something-#-special about ourselves! for example maybe you have really good hand writing and thats good enough ~ but that doesn't work for me because-#-i have nothing. my handwriting isn't good my singing isn't good i'm not artistically gifted i don't have some random affinity for puzzles-#-i'm not charming or somehow really good at calculation or super creative or a really comforting friend i really have nothing at all#i don’t want to die. i have no plans on doing that sort of thing anytime soon— don’t misunderstand me#i just wholeheartedly believe i don’t deserve to be here anymore not because i’m not loved. i just can’t stand myself and my teenage years-#-feel so long and i'm so fragile how much longer do i have to tolerate. i'm contributing nothing. why should my family have to feed and-#-clothe a burden like me who provides nothing. why should my friends care for someone like me. i’m not really that funny or sweet or great-#-with advice giving or pretty or helpful in any way. why is it that life is genuinely easier for others. what did i do? what can i do?#how much longer must i tolerate this? would you believe me if i said i really did try to change my mindset this time?#i have no one in real life to talk to. therapists are pricey and i don’t think mine was helping me in any way anyways. she was nice though#so every night i sleep hoping i wake up somewhere else. somewhere where i'm happier and i can live all my silly fantasies where i'm a fun-#-and lovely person who has everything she wants and nothing goes wrong ever!!#how much longer must i hang onto the little things. i’m in such an exruciating amount of pain that i want to kill myself without dying? lol#everyone repeats the same stuff. get bit#i can't rely on the joy of having coffee every morning or persevere for the sake of seeing cute cats on insta. nothing will ease the burden
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#damien.txt#venting abt personal life in the tags lol sorry new followers <3<3#ahhHHHHHHHHHHH why must sleeping be so hard#i cannot for the life of me figure out what the fuck has gone wrong or how to fix it#but here i am AGAIN at 5:30 a.m. contemplating pulling an all-nighter bc i could not sleep#and i just. am possibly going a little bit insane#bc i hate this. it feels awful. (whoa no way not getting enough sleep feels bad? who would have guessed-)#the answer at this point is probably medical intervention#and by medical intervention i mean i need to go to the store and pick up melatonin gummies lol#i am just a broke college student tho man... funding the inevitable melatonin addiction will SUCK#addiction is a strong word to use here. i just know i will want to use it every night if it works#which is like the intended usage but still. that shit gets expensive#anyways i wish having insomnia or something insomnia adjacent was actually cool and fun and edgy#and not just like. being on the verge of tears as you lay down in bed with a headache#but you literally cannot stop thinking and moving around long enough to fall asleep#my thoughts aren't even that bad they are just constant and i would like them to shut up pls <3#ok i am done ranting lmaoo this is like the 4th rant abt sleep problems ive done on tumblr#maybe i need to like. fix this lol
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things I’m looking forward to with my new exercise regimen: strengthened airways/heart, powerful thighs
things i am not looking forward to with my new exercise regimen: stretched-out kneecaps that are primed and ready to subluxate at any given fuckin moment
#you know how dean has the most bow legged legs of any man ever? mine are the opposite#jackles: ( ) normal legs: | | me: )(#feeling my kneecaps loosen is the worst feeling of all time like………. genuine actual fear sometimes lmao#i was curious about hypermobility and how subluxation connects and apparently some people are just like#‘oh? something happened?’ when a joint subluxates#i cannot FATHOM. the worst pain of my entire life#why can’t i work out my lower body without moving my knees……….#mythtakes#anyway if you hate the sweat and heat and painful breathing of usual exercise#try ‘slow exercise’ esp for ppl with pcos (hi)#does it work?? idk! it’s my second day but I’m real good and sore so it must be doing something
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#i miss zack fair's old voice. even though i hate saying that because i don't want to be THAT person. because i know the poor new voice#actor must be hearing that comment everywhere and he's not doing a bad job at all. quite the contrary! sadly there was just no beating#rick gomez and the dev's were silly to try it. i get WHY they did. because they recast all the ffvii remake actors (except genesis maybe?#weirdly?) but with that recasting zack was always going to be a losing battle for them#but i do kind of agree with superbutterbuns (and maybe worry with her too) that some new fans to crisis core with crisis core reunion#might not connect to zack as much as us old fans did without the amazing voice work of rick gomez bringing him to life this time#especially since as some people have pointed out... parts of crisis core are silly (i say that with love). and one of the great things#about zack is that he's the reason in a silly anime plot pointing out that 'this is weird!' and. i mean. the new actor has that going for#him too as that's how zack's written. but i wonder if part of what sold zack's character was also the amazing voice acting and i wonder if#now that that's lost a tiny bit if new fans will connect to zack AS strongly as all of us did years ago
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I kind of wish I could successfully write romance with absolutely no implied or actual cannibalism as a natural risk of love.
#i mean sure with zombie fiction this is a risk#but why does every romance turn into this#to consume or to be consumed#you must be very careful for it is my nature to eat you#and you must be even more careful because it is my nature to be eaten#like i know what i'm doing#it's a metaphor about power dynamics#and my conclusions are... uh contrary to the typical ones#where one partner could devour the other if they don't mind their control#but the other partner could do the same just as easily#which i think is how actual relationships work#when you love someone you are carving a wound into your body#you are handing someone a knife and trusting them to never stab you#you are waiting every day to be injured for the rest of your life#not by their betrayal though that is possible#but because their death will be like having a limb ripped away#and then#then you realize they did the same thing for you#and you hate that#you hate knowing that you're holding a knife you can never use#you hate the bleeding wound of you on someone else's body#oh but how you prize the bleeding wound of them on yours#and you realize the intimacy of this dance#i would let you destroy me#and i could destroy you at a whim#but i won't#and i trust you to not#i will never hurt you no matter that you've made it so very easy#you will never hurt me no matter that i've let you hold my naked heart#how dare the both of us
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I stepped on a hairy caterpillar I think it was in my shoe literally what the fuck god hates me
#you can’t even let me start working you render me itchy and overstimulated before I have even accomplished anythinh. I hate you!!!!!!#they are like my one phobia. why must I encounter them EVERY DAY#fuck my life fuck my life!!!!! what am I supposed to do!!!!!#don’t even have hardly any medical herbs to remedy my ailments literally fuck my life#medicinal *#bugs
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Merrill is out here fighting for her life trying to be nice to Fenris, and he won’t stop doing the verbal equivalent of throwing rocks at her.
#she’s like ‘your master must have been awful to make you hate mages so. : (‘ ‘he was. now he’s dead.’ ‘we aren’t all like that.’ ‘how often#I hear that and see it isn’t true.’ ‘the keepers are different. they work hard to preserve and protect our people.’ ‘oh and they would#/never/ stoop to making demon deals or using blood magic’#Merrill: *crying into Anders’ shoulder*#bro come on she’s fighting for her life out there why are you LIKE this#dragon age 2
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