#why am I reading research papers trying to make sense of it all when it’s all been in front of me this entire time lord imma kill myself

[orangespottedgiraffe]

How am I suppose to function after playing the night market…. I just want to do a different path and stay home all day…. 😔I hate life

[justanotherbirdbrain-blog]

A Workshop for Creating Magical/ Fictional Crystals: A Guide from a Geologist

Hi folks, its me, here to talk about fictional writing again! Today I'm just tackling the idea of magical stones/mana stones by looking at existing minerals today and some neat properties that they have, and how you can apply these things to a fictional world. The goal is mainly to help you if you are stuck trying to come up with a unique magic system, or a unique identification/characteristic of your mineral.

First Things First: Mineral Shapes

I am exhausted, petered out, down-right fatigued by seeing every mineral depicted with having the crystal structure of calcite and quartz. There are soooooo many cooler, more interesting crystal structures, don't you think you would stop and take a look at a perfect cube in nature? It is completely unsettling.

Second: Color

Color within minerals can either be really important, or not important at all! It is your choice to decide if color is going to be something that means something to your mineral. But what are some times when the color is important? Well.... there are some elements that are called chromophores, this classification just indicates that these elements, when present, will determine the color of whatever they are in. So, if you wanted to treat mana like a chromophore, you could say, "Oh everything that contains mana turns green!" This could mean that regardless of the mineral, if that mineral is a specific color, it means it contains mana. This concept is exciting because you can just stop here and use minerals that already exist! You can also use it as an indicator for a magical ore! Chromophores are typically metals, so if you are making a new metal weapon, making the ore of that metal a unique color would make a lot of sense!

However, your mineral can also just be every color of the rainbow like quartz and perhaps that's what makes identifying your mana stones elusive and create an illusion of scarcity that your character can solve.

There are other things that can change the colors of minerals, like radiation damage, and electron exchange, but I think that is beyond what would be helpful! So lets talk about some unique color properties that happen in nature that seem magical in the first place! Maybe you don't need to design a mana stone, but you want a unique gemstone that only the royal family passes down or something (IDK).

The first one is the alexandrite effect! This is where a mineral can change color in natural light vs. incandescent light. (the mineral itself is not changing, but the lights contain different amounts of different colors that then get absorbed by the stone). Even if you don't use electricity in your fictional world, you could have the colors change in the presence of light magic. This could create fun misunderstandings about what the mineral is reacting to!

Pleochroism

Pleochroism is something that most minerals have, it is frequently used to help identify minerals in thin sections, however minerals are usually not pleochroic enough for it to be visible to the naked eye! Pleochroism is just a fancy name to describe the change in how light is absorbed based on the angle of the mineral! So if you scroll up to the first image where I showed a lot of crystal shapes, most of them have angles where they are longer and shorter! This will effect the way light travels in the crystal. Tanzanite is a popular mineral that does this.

Photochromism

This is when a mineral will change color (in a reversible way) when exposed to UV light (or sunlight), I am not going to go too into the details of why this is happening because it would require me to read some research papers and I just don't feel like it. The mineral that is best known for this is Hackmanite!

Alright! These are all the really cool color effects that might inspire you or maybe not, but now I am going to talk about how you might find your minerals within a rock!

When I see a lot of magical caves/mines, typically I see them with some variation of a geode honestly, but most minerals are not found like that! Now I am sure most of you guys have seen a geode, so I will not really talk about those, but I will talk briefly about porphyroblasts which is when the mineral grows larger than the minerals around it, this happens in metamorphic minerals!

sorry random stranger, but this is an image of garnets inside a finer-grained rock at gore mountain in New York!

Another way you might find minerals is in a pegmatite! This is when all minerals are really large! This is a formed from really slow crystalizing magma!

But something else to think about is that your mineral might just be massive, it doesn't have to have distinct crystals, it may be similar to jadeite where small grains grow together which leaves it looking smooth and seamless! A note about all of these is that you would have to mine into the rock to find these, there would not be any natural caves in these rocks! Caves are only ever really formed in limestones and maybe marbles (rocks that react with acid).

How can your characters identify these minerals?

Typically when you are out in the field you will look to see what type of rocks the minerals are found in (The overall texture of the rock will tell you how it formed). If you know how the rock formed, it will narrow down the amount of minerals you need to think about by quite a bit! Next, you are going to look closely at it and observe its crystal structure, does it have an obvious crystal? if so what is the general shape? If it is broken, how did it break? Did it fracture like glass or did it break along uniform planes. Some minerals have a thing called cleavage (breaks along planes of weakness). If a mineral exhibits this habit, it will again help narrow this down. Next we can look at color. Color can be misleading, because minerals like quartz can be any color imaginable, but minerals like olivine will always be green! The next thing your character can do is test for hardness, minerals all have a specific hardness that can help identify it as well.

After you go through all of this, your mineral might have some special property! This could be magnetism, fluorescence, reactions to acid, or any of the color changing effects I mentioned above! Other than that, your character can take it back to a lab and do a number of things to identify it, but the most typical thing would be for them to make a thin section (very thin piece of the rock) and observe it under a cross polarized microscope!

On that note folks! I hope this helped in some way in thinking of new magic mineral properties! I have other guides that explore some different fictional worldbuilding issues you might run into, but if you have any topics you would like me to cover please that I haven't mentioned already, let me know!

[mamabearneeds-her-dietcoke]

Puppy eyes- Castiel

summary: at Bobby's house when Dean is trying to bribe you into going at and getting food, you not budging until Dean tells Cass to ask.

A/n: feel free to message me for any requests, I'll try my best for any character you wish.

---------------------------------------------

You and the boys, including Cass, were all at Bobby's house, doing research. "Y/n come on please?" Dean asks you again. He's been practically begging you to go and and get him pie.

"Dean no I told you. We need to get this research done." You say for the thousandth time.

"Quit moaning Dean. If you want it so bad go get it yourself." Bobby says as he's pouring another glass of whiskey.

Dean groans something and goes back to reading his book. Suddenly Dean perks up and walks over to Castiel, whispering something in his ear.

"Y/n, will you please go to the store and get us some snacks?" Cass asks me, his eyes alone are so powerful, its like he's got puppy eyes.

Your heart flutters just my making eye contact.

"Yeah sure. Everyone write down what you want." You get up and walk to the kitchen to grab your wallet.

"That's all it took?" You hear Sam ask. "Whatever it takes." Dean says smiling and grabbing a pen and paper.

The paper goes around the room and soon enough you have your list. "Dean do you want homemade pie?" You ask him. His eyes light up. "Yes please." He smiles and you can't help but laugh.

"Cass wanna come with me?" you ask him hopefully.

"Yes." He says. "Ok come on then. We'll be back in a bit." You walk out the door looking over the list.

You climb into your truck and start it. On the way there Cass asks you a question you were not ready to answer.

"Why did you only ask me to come with you?" He asks. You look over at him and his head is tilted, with his signature confused look.

"You're my favorite Cass. That's why." It was true, but you weren't going to tell the angel the other half of it. A human falling for an angel? Ridiculous. He'd never return the feelings.

"I am sensing there is something more you're not telling me. " He says, his voice deepens a little bit.

"And what would that be Cass? I've got nothing to hide." Obviously you were lying.

"Y/n."

"Castiel."

"Tell me."

You sigh, not sure how to come about this.

"I love you Cass. And not just like friend wise, I love love you. More then friends." Your grip on the steering wheel tightens waiting for his reaction.

"I love you y/n." He then disappears. You're not quite sure how to take his reaction.

You pull up into the parking lot of a store. You open your door and step out, facing into the truck, collecting your things in your purse.

You turn around and Cass is standing right there behind you. "My god Cass you scared me." You place your hand on your heart, trying to calm yourself down.

He stares at you for a moment before placing his hand under your jaw and pulling you into a kiss. And mind you, it was a damn good one.

"Where'd you learn that?" you ask, slightly surprised.

"Pizza man." He smiles slightly and disappears again. You laugh and go an with shopping. You arrive home and walk in, still happy from the occurrence.

You set the stuff on the counter and get the stuff out to make Deans pie.

"What's got you so happy?" Sam asks when you hand him the snacks he requested.

"Watch this." You tell him, catching Deans and Bobby's attention. You walk over to Cass who's reading a random book he found.

Grabbing his jaw just as he did to you and pulling him into a kiss. You pull away and smile at him. "I love you." You say still smiling down as him. "I love you." He says back. You press. another quick kiss to his lips and look back at the boys and Bobby.

"Now if you'll excuse me I have a pie to make." And with that you walk off into the kitchen, radiating happiness.

[casdeans-pie]

Part 3 of Flustered Castiel Accidentally Explodes Lightbulbs And Causes Power Outages Especially When Dean's Fingers Are In His Hair

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4. Thanks to everyone for their enthusiasm for more parts of this silly lil thing I wrote, I really appreciate it sooo much and you all keep me writing!

This accidentally gained a part 4 I'm sorry ! So the next chapter will actually be the final

Tags for: @dreampencil (thanks again for the initial idea I can't believe how this keeps growing aaa), @mymisfitsbabe , @fivefeetfangirl , @kerryweaverlesbian , @give-bucky-his-boyfriend-back , @mooshroomister as always let me know if you want a tag for the final part!

-----Read on AO3-----

---------

It had happened twice already, and Dean felt confident he knew why: both times Cas had jumped in surprise. He looked like a weird little guy in a trench coat, who frowned too much and hadn’t slept properly in a week, but he had all that powerful Angel mojo stuffed inside, so it made sense that startling him could set it off.

Sometimes if you shook a bottle too hard the cork would fly out, that’s all.

Of course, now Dean absolutely had to shake the bottle on purpose to see what happened.

------

The piles of papers scattered across the long table looked random, but Dean knew from experience that they were organised by a system that only Cas understood. Books were opened onto pages with complicated diagrams and words in languages Dean didn’t know, while more books and papers were piled high in boxes by his feet.

Sam sat on the opposite side of the table with a similar setup – both reading in silence except for the rustle of pages.

Dean placed a bowl of steaming, freshly popped popcorn onto the table between them with a flourish and sat on the edge of the table. “You know what goes great with research?” He grabbed a handful and threw them into his mouth. “Snacks,” he said, slightly garbled from all the popcorn, as he grinned at them both.

“Do you know what goes even better with research?” Cas asked drily, without even looking up from his papers. “An extra pair of hands.”

Dean nearly choked with the force of his laughter, and in response Cas finally looked up at him from over the top of the paper he was currently reading. The corners of his lips curled up into a fond smile.

“Cas,” Dean managed, as he got his laughter under control and swallowed forcefully. “You wound me. Here I am, providing sustenance for you both-”

“I don’t eat.”

“-and you’re giving me the cold shoulder?”

Cas opened his mouth to say something, but Dean jabbed a finger towards him before he could speak. “Do not tell me your shoulder is ‘perfectly room temperature’ or whatever. I can see it in your eyes.”

Cas’s smile grew a fraction wider before he hid it behind a pile of papers in his hands. “Okay,” he said, “I won’t tell you.”

Dean rolled his eyes affectionately and reached over for another helping of popcorn. He paused when he noticed Sam looking between them both with his eyebrows hiked up to his hairline.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Sam said with a soft smile, returning to his book.

So, Sam knew that he was flirting. So what. It wasn’t his best flirting, even he’d admit, but it’s not like it mattered when Cas didn’t even see it like that anyway. Did that make it worse? It’s not like he meant to flirt with him (badly) so much anyway, it always just kinda happened.

Dean ran a frustrated hand through his hair as his gaze flicked back to Cas before he could stop himself.

Cas had his eyes narrowed at the stack of papers in his hands, as if he could absorb the information through intensity alone, and Dean felt a wave of warmth in his chest. Okay, maybe the flirting was happening more than ever recently, and maybe he did mean to do it.

He turned away and picked at a loose thread on his jeans, trying to hide his small secret smile.

When they first met, he’d been on the receiving end of those kinds of stares, like Cas was trying to look inside of him, and see right to his core. Back then he probably could.

Thinking about Cas’s Angel powers reminded Dean of what he’d brought the popcorn in for in the first place. He shook himself out of his thoughts and cleared his throat quietly, making sure his back was to Cas.

Sam immediately looked back up.

Dean pointed over at Cas and then the lights. Sam frowned and shook his head. Dean wiggled his eyebrows and nodded. Sam's frown intensified.

The brothers’ silent argument continued while Cas researched obliviously, until Dean rolled his eyes, and in one fluid motion picked out some popcorn, turned around, and flicked it.

Cas jumped so hard that the current collection of papers in his hands slipped out of his grip and his elbow knocked over a whole stack beside him.

Even through the sound of the pages scattering across the table and the floor, Dean could hear Sam’s disappointed sigh as he made his way over to Cas to help, and plucked some popcorn out from where it had got caught on his spiky hair.

Cas apologised for the mess and thanked him, while Dean waited expectantly and with a growing sense of disappointment.

The lights stayed perfectly normal. Not even a flicker.

But that didn’t make any sense…

Cas had definitely been surprised – he’d jumped like he’d been hit with a taser – so Dean couldn’t think of what had gone wrong. The whole place should have been flashing like a nightclub.

Dean eventually jumped off the table and stooped down to pick up some pages that had slid across the floor, but when he placed them back on the table next to Cas, he turned to see two sets of glares directed at him. He pushed his tongue between his teeth and grinned. “I slipped,” he said with a shrug.

“You slipped?” Cas repeated, his eyes narrowing.

“Yeah, and then the popcorn just flew clear out my hands.” Dean’s grin widened. His experiment had failed, but at least he’d been able to see the Squint Of Disapproval. “Speaking of – Sam missed a bit.” Dean reached over to flick out a rogue piece, but Cas immediately ducked away out of his reach.

It was so unexpected that Dean froze mid-action.

“I’ve got it.” Cas’s voice had a strange, strained quality to it as he fluffed both hands through his hair, far away from Dean.

Something painful twisted in Dean’s chest at how quickly Cas had moved away from him. His hand was still suspended stupidly in the air, so he lowered it down to his side and tried to ignore the hurt – Cas could be weird about stuff, and he had just thrown popcorn at the guy. He shouldn’t read too much into it.

Dean forced out a little laugh at the bits of yellow popcorn still trapped in Cas’s hair. “It’s still there, just let me-” He took a step closer.

Cas flinched back. “No, I’m fine, I’ll use a mirror. Excuse me.”

He left the room so quickly it reminded Dean of when he used to be able to fly away and disappear.

“Maybe we should all take a break from research anyway?” Sam suggested, looking at Dean with a deep, concerned crease between his eyebrows.

Dean stared after Cas, a mixture of hurt and confusion and guilt swirling in his gut.

Sam sighed. “I told you messing around with his powers on purpose was a bad idea.”

“Yeah, well. Give me stick and I’m gonna poke the hornets’ nest. ‘Cause apparently that’s just what I do.”

------

And then it kept happening.

For weeks.

They were never in a room alone together anymore because Cas would leave if Sam wasn’t there. He would stand up if Dean sat too close to him, muttering something about somewhere he needed to be, or that he suddenly had something to do that he’d forgotten about. He wouldn’t even take anything directly out of Dean’s hands if he handed something over, making some kind of excuse for Dean to put it down first before he took it. It got so bad that if Cas spotted him walking down the corridor in the bunker, he would turn around and walk the opposite way.

It was getting ridiculous. And it was driving Dean insane.

He’d only wanted to know what triggered Cas’s powers to go all screwy with the electrics like an Angel sneeze or something. It was supposed to be funny.

He wasn’t supposed to lose his best friend over it.

After the disaster of the first experiment, Sam told him that he wouldn’t help him with anything else, so Dean was on his own, and rapidly figuring out that maybe Sam was right, and it had all been a bad idea.

A couple of times Dean had even considered talking to Cas about it… but then he’d have to admit to trying to mess with his powers on purpose and acknowledge how badly their lack of interaction affected him. He also wasn’t sure how he could talk about how much he wanted them to go back to how they were, without also admitting that he’d kinda like them to be more than how they were.

So, he stewed in silence and hated the rift growing between them. Dean had never really been touchy-feely – the few times they’d hugged could probably fit on one hand – but God it was like… he missed Cas. And he was right there.

He had to get him back.

[immortalbutterflycos]

I've come to realize something important in writing. (specifically in my personal experience)

(TLDR; I have ADHD and writing is hard even though I'm still doing it every single day. Make it make sense.)

If you have a story in your head that means a lot to you, and you need to take more time to develop and fully flesh it out before posting it, that's totally okay! In fact, in my experience, it has the potential to make the story better over time, really forming it into what you imagine it to be.

Here's an example because I just typed a lot of words and right now I can't seem to process whether they make sense or not.

I have a fanfic that I've been working on for a year now. (For the Marauders fandom if y'all are curious)

It's one that I haven't talked about much because every time I do, I end up losing the motivation to write. This is what happened to another one of my fics for the Haikyuu fandom. (well that and the Marauders.. yeah they fucked me up in the best way and Freckles and Constellations has really suffered because of it smh)

So the reason why this fic is taking so long is because it is such a specific AU that I'm out here trying to meld magic systems, and I've got like EIGHT MAIN CHARACTERS to write backstories for to fit this AU while also being true to them and even though I know the basic plot, there are just so many little details and aspects that will make this fic what I desperately need it to be.

And no one knows just how intricate it is or how important it is to me. Which is totally fine. I don't even know if people are going to read it when I finally manage to post it. This fic is purely self-indulgent.

let me just break down for you what I have prepared for this already:

countless drabbles and scenes and plans written on the backs of receipts and on bits of scrap paper

a 3" 3-ring binder that I've been trying to organize it all in

a google doc titled "TAoRfOL Doc Masterlist" that has links to every single doc I have for this one fic. (it's dated back to March of last year and as of this month has 93 total links. Only 5 of those are reference links.)

notes and ideas i have written in my phone to transfer into docs so I can add them to the masterlist

Hero Forge digital models of those 8 main characters because I wanted to see what their group would look like outside of my imagination

Multiple Spotify playlists dedicated to this fic and the characters which I listen to every single day. (currently @ 494 songs)

And you know what? I just recently, at 6 am this morning, finally figured out the solution to a fucking plot hole I could not work around.

Basically what I'm saying is that I needed all of this time. Every single day I see things and get inspiration. Every day I learn new things and fix errors in my own plans.

As much as I crave the validation and recognition for all of my hard work on this project, I know that If I had just bit the bullet and posted the first chapter without having done all of this research and all of this planning, then it would not have lived up to the story I have in my head.

I admire people who can just write without all of the added steps and in some cases, I can do that. I haven't been able to in a while (which is why that Valentine's Day microfic was actually really big for me to have posted) but that's just how my brain works.

I needed all of my experiences and all of my daily thoughts and all of my collective playlists for this fic to be able to write the story I intended and that is exactly what I'm going to do.

(though if I'm being honest, this timeline is rough. I really want to just write and post this first chapter so so so bad. ToT)

[switchcase]

genuinely curious, not a gotcha question, it’s been something i’ve been struggling with as i start on a big DID research-related project: how do you deal with all of the papers and professionals that deny that DID exists and that insist that trauma therapists are getting it all wrong? i know that they’re wrong on some level but it’s hard to make sense of all of the research that proves that dissociation is real vs the claims that ardently refuse it could even possibly be real. i hope this doesn’t come across as, like, snarky or rude or anything. i’m not a professional in the field or anything, just Some Guy with a dissociative disorder about to write a huge paper. i would love your insight (and can and will come off anon if you’d want to talk more directly about this) . thanks for all of your previous posts and hope you’re doing well. 🩵

Leading off with saying I love to talk about research so if you do want to chat about your paper or this topic feel free to talk to me in DMs!

The important thing with papers is to evaluate them. Pretty much every paper that deals with denying the existence of DID is an opinion article rather than a research article. When evaluating the opinion of an academic, you check their field, their credentials, what they have done for their field, their other published works, how long ago this paper was published, and of course whether their opinions and stances make sense. I have seen, for example, a paper stating that DID doesn't exist, and the paper's author was a general physician and their primary argument was that they have never seen anyone presenting with DID in their personal practice. That is not, frankly, an opinion I care about or give much weight to. I'm using a really simplistic example here to make a point, but there are certainly people who have better formed reasons for why they think what they think and that can mean you have to take a step back and think about it.

The scant few research articles that tries to find evidence of things like DID being iatrogenic instead of traumagenic, generally finds little/no supporting evidence against DID or against what we know about DID. It's also very important to understand that someone researching these things doesn't mean they are necessarily "against" you or your disorder. There are of course some who very clearly are against the concept of DID. But researching things like memory accuracy, sociocultural impact, etc is important regardless of what the findings are, because it gives us a better understanding of the disorder. A research team that is trying to find things that contradict current knowledge of DID is not your enemy by virtue of their research. This type of research is important because it can inform us if we've made a mistake in our understanding of the disorder, if we need to rethink approaches to therapy etc.

I read opinion articles but I take them exactly as opinions, because they are. If someone's opinion relies on outdated information and research contradicts it repeatedly, I am simply going to discard it. If they are well-informed I am more likely to listen, provided their reasoning is sound. But all in all it is not research and nothing they are saying is concrete evidence of anything. Opinion articles are VERY fun when academic drama is happening though.

[takaraphoenix]

In TOA, Riordan wrote that the entire camp was trying to find a mate for Reyna and that everyone but Jason knew about her conversation with Venus, making her the target of gossip, pity, and unwanted recommendations. He then had her join the hunters of Artemis and later declared on twitter that he wrote her as an asexual character.

Omitting the fact that no one at Camp Jupiter mentioned Reyna's love life in HOO and that that seems more like a indirect criticism to fans, does any of the character's conclusion make sense?

I mean, there was talk of Reyna's love life in HoO, specifically from Reyna herself who expressed interest in Percy, and before that from Jason about them perhaps being involved in TLH (before, ya know, Riordan retconned that there was never-ever-ever anything between them because Riordan has this warped perception that any other attractions invalidate the current one, so to booster Jason and Piper, Jason could not possibly have an ex-girlfriend).

It was part of what made Reyna so incredibly interesting in HoO, because she had unfulfilled romantic plotlines whereas Riordan tends to herd characters off like that ship was named Arc II and not Argo II.

That being said, I think that the conclusion both makes total sense as well as not making sense at all, so let me elaborate.

Firstly, the not making sense part. Her being asexual reads very much like an allo doing the most surface level reading up on aspec identities.

Because what he wrote for her very much reads more as an aroace identity than an allo ace identity, and thus reads like an allo author who doesn't know how to separate sexual attraction from romantic attraction and just conflates them.

If she were actually asexual, there is no... no reason to join the Riordan-version of a cloister (I have many negative thoughts on his interpretation of the hunt) and avoid all advances, there is no reason to hide away from romantic advances and avoid them all at all cost?

She'd still experience romantic attraction as an asexual person, so why shouldn't she go on dates, meet people, get into a relationship?

It would actually have been a great way to have her come out as asexual to her partner and explain that while she does feel romantic attraction, she may not be interested in sex (and I am saying "may" because many asexual people are interested in sex, despite not feeling sexual attraction).

All of that, coupled with the twitter outing, makes it not really feel... fulfilling. It makes it feel half-assed through and through, both in the research on this identity department, as well as the coming out. Because there is nothing more frustrating than when writers prove to be too incompetent to put their story on actual paper and instead of giving a character a fulfilling arc and a real, canonical coming out, they just post some random tweet like that's worth shit.

Sure, hearing the author confirm a queer identity even in a non-canonical setting can be rewarding in that it recognizes a queer identity, but... it's not representation, it's a cop-out. Representation happens in the canon medium at hand.

Now, if he actually pulls through with this and has Reyna come out in one of the approximately 125 coming PJOverse books that he's going to write? Because it is worth noting that we're not talking about a closed story here and that his tweet could just be a "hey, guys, it's a slow build up and the coming out is gonna happen later but I want to clarify that yes, this is canon". That's the good faith argument here.

And on that note, I want to say why it is a satisfying conclusion, particularly for me as an asexual lesbian.

One of my favorite characters of all time is ace? Holy shit, that's a massive win! A leading character in one of the biggest YA series of all time is canonically ace? Hades yes, that is amazing and could do so much for visibility and also for helping younger aces figure themselves out earlier (provided, of course, that he actually puts the conclusion in a book).

I'm an even bigger fan of late coming out stories. Stories of queer people who pretended to be like everyone else around them to fit in and may have even lied to themselves.

Because there's a modern trend of gold-star-ism. As in, these queers came out of the womb queer, they have always known they were x identity!! Now, those very much exist, but the amount of this kind of representation in media very much warps the perception. Because not everybody always knew and many queer people struggle for varying amounts of time with finding their identity.

It's never 'too late' to confirm a character as any queer label, because real actual queer people may go through allo/CIS/het pretenses before coming out and if you take a character you previously portrayed in such a way and give them a journey into realizing they may be any share of queer, that is still a valid portrayal of real experiences and, even if on a meta-level it may be a "retcon" in that the author may not have always considered this character queer, it still very much checks out in-universe as a realistic journey.

Lastly, I want to get into the part about indirect criticism of fans. The way you put that, I'm not a hundred percent sure what you mean, but I'm assuming you're referring to the many fans who headcanon Reyna, or go a step farther and think she should be canonically a lesbian. I do remember backlash from that side of the fandom in regards to this.

But... again, as an asexual lesbian, I don't entirely see a problem there unless you do not actually know what asexuality means. Because she could very well still be a lesbian. You could still headcanon her as a lesbian. So, this isn't exactly something Riordan did that spites and destroys that headcanon, and the uproar about it was equally... pointless? The only way this could have been an indirect criticism toward fans would have been if he indeed just conflated aro and ace, and if the fans who took offense, also conflate aro and ace.

So, that's my answer to your question. It is most definitely not a perfect way of handling this and I hope he does something more with this in future books that truly puts this identity into a canonical framework, I hope he differentiates aromantic and asexual identities here more clearly, but I'm glad for any representation to come out of even clumsy writing.

[wewontdieunbloomed]

this is part two of unlearning the bad things i unconsciously learnt from last year.

part one was the negative default pessimism i fall in to, which i keep calling it me being emo which means i dwell in my “misery” for far too long, instead of trying to think of something positive to get myself moving out of the bad zone i am in. as we are often told, sadness and negativity gets comforting, it feels like you are protecting yourself. but one cannot see beauty in life and find joy for oneself if one does not make oneself vulnerable.

and so making myself vulnerable is what ive been doing. trying to romanticise this state that im in, a liminal space, at crossroads. its not the most ideal, too many things are unknown and for the first time in my life im dealing with having barely any structure to my days, with nothing to do yet so much i should do.

it took me quite a while to stop lamenting this unknown and start returning to the foundations i built this blog and my entire philosophy off, the whole concept of “lest we die unbloomed” of making sure i dont realise one day ive wasted my time. and in small parts i like to think ive made progress on that

the focus now is the second part. i lost a lot of my attention span and impulse control, and today i reached a horrible point where i am sitting on the kitchen floor at 9 with no dinner, having ruined my microwave dinner out of a lack of common sense. i am not sure if all this recent muddling is because of covid brain fog or the horrifying amount of screen time i have had recently, but i was so sick of it. i have done a lot of things on impulse recently, and though today i had a really fulfilling day spending time with people i havent in a long time, when i got home and im back to reality of the things i havent done and been procrastinating for too long on, i felt horrible. this need to change, i realised.

so this is part two. it calls back to one of the values i set as something important to myself, being honest with myself. i know what im doing now is not working. i know that even though i use my planner im not sticking to it. i know my todo lists are not helping me. then why do i stubbornly stick to methods i know dont work? i told myself a year ago i would not change my system if it doesnt need to be changed. i have forgotten that i need to change it when it does. how silly! so im changing.

so in the last 2 hours in order to get myself up ive written todo lists on paper instead of in my journal. used a timer for every single step from shower to sweeping the floor to brushing my teeth. enough lazing around and letting simple things occupy too much time. its a parkinsons law thing.

enough doomscrolling and opening instagram when i have nothing to do. im setting a limit for a block of time in the day where i am not allowed to use social media, pwrhaps not any internet at all. i need to make drastic change, even if it seems inconsequential. it might not be academic but its personal. and my personal life and what i want to do with my time is worth taking big measures for, because it should be more important than all that revision for exams i used to do.

so the point f this ramble is to clear things out with myself. make some sense of whats goijg on. have a direction. tomorrow i have an interview. ill come home and do the chores i have to. prepare for my afternoon activity. go for lunch and my afternoon appointment. go for a run. buy dinner. write my applications. research on uni stuff. read a book. and all the other tint things i need to give more importance to even though they seem inconsequential. it sa new mantra ive gotten into ever since part one of this. that “this is the way” this is the new way. enough lazing. its time to go hard and be rurhless. take things up a notch because when else can i do it? go big from experiences to measures i have to take to discipline myself. this is the way.

04.04.2023

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello there, I hope you enjoyed your summer break! I'm the INFX anon from the post on June 30 (721567168810057728). I struggle with anxiety so I had trouble opening your response for months, until I did so today. I saw that you didn't receive the second half of my message and couldn't make a thorough analysis based on just the first half, so I figured I could try doing sending it now. I stopped somewhere halfway through describing my Se Inf, so I'll continue with that.

[I'm going to copy the previous post to put everything together.]

Hello, I am INFX, 21 y.o. After reading your blog, taking some tests and understanding functions (hopefully) a little better, I narrowed down my options to INFP and INFJ. If you are able to, I would gladly use your help in determining my type. As for important information: I have a generalized anxiety disorder, I had depression for several years and I am still prone to depressive episodes. English is not my first language.

I will start with INFP functional stack.

Fi Dom: I have a fuzzy sense of identity, which is why I often don’t know what I like or dislike, get stuck, don’t trust my gut feelings, rely on others a lot in decision-making processes. I do tend to judge things as either good or bad depending on my beliefs, but the beliefs are weak. I don’t trust them unless they are built on a solid framework of knowledge and evidence. I need to know rather than believe. My emotions emerge seemingly from nowhere. I can’t identify what’s the reason for them and how to deal with them. But for some reason I still think I make decisions relying on my emotions, it’s just that if I always relied on them it would do more harm than good.

Te Inf: I have trouble understanding Te. I know Te is about external structure. Actually I rarely encounter extremely messy lifestyle as in Fi extreme and I can plan things decently, even if I don’t like doing so. Structure helps me and I need it in order not to become chaotic, so I always have an agenda and don’t like it when plans are cancelled. Especially in recent years I got better at structuring my life. Most of the time I know what to do to solve my problems, I just don’t want to do it. So I don’t think I’ve ever encountered Te grip (at least not from what I’m aware of). At my lowest points I did have trouble to take care of myself but I attribute it to depression.

Ne Aux: Ne is one of the few functions I can decently use and understand in a positive way. I often look for new activities to participate in, new hobbies (especially creative ones). I have 300+ tabs open at all times because I research many different topics at once. I can generate creative ideas (usually for my art) with the help of sensory experience (such as music). Often manifests in unhealthy ways - I use daydreaming to escape responsibilities.

I can find a lot of opportunities but I don’t indulge in them or follow through, which makes my interests shallow. I like making lists (of albums to listen, movies to watch, stuff to draw, things to do in general), but I rarely do what’s in those lists. I’d rather daydream about it than actually do something. This is one of my greatest struggles, because I have ideas and inspirations but they always stay in my head or on paper and never come to fruition.

What makes me think Ne is my Aux rather than Dom is that I am very risk-averse and not very extraverted (I know ENXP are the most introverted extraverts though), I have never been very positive either or extremely chaotic either.

Si Tert: I am prone to not stepping outside of my comfort zone. I want new experiences but at the same time I’m afraid of them. As I’ve mentioned before I am very risk-averse, not taking even calculated risks. Fear of failure holds me back. I’m afraid that the status quo may change not in my favor (it will all go downhill if I make a mistake, so I’d rather do nothing at all).

Moving onto INFJ stack:

Ni Dom: I struggle with perfectionism because I have an ideal image of things I want to implement and I’m too afraid I will fail to achieve the ideal; I have a perfect version of myself in mind which I strive to be one day (but often fail to come even close to it). I don’t have a clear picture of my future though.

I know that many people equate Ni with “insightful” thinking, which I cannot relate to. I “predict” the future in a negative way, always expecting a catastrophe and feeling paranoid at worst. I often jump to pessimistic conclusion way before anything bad happened. I keep telling myself that it’s better to keep expectations low in order not to get disappointed.

Se Inf: I cannot engage with physical world because of escapism. When I’m outside I don’t notice my surroundings at all. I go through life on autopilot. Even when I try to be present and focus on the current moment, my sensing is dulled, almost muted, and the engagement feels shallow. I’m always in my head, made-up scenarios are more comforting to me than the real world. I reflected on it for some time and decided depression is not to blame because my Se was unhealthy/unused before that as well, it just escalated.

My partner (ISFX) helped me feel more grounded so now I'm more aware of what's going on around me, but I'm still not satisfied. I feel disappointed after any external stimulation, such as watching a movie. Even though I listen to a lot of music, I often joke that I hate music because most of it makes me feel nothing and feels boring. Since nothing (or very little) touches me emotionally, I find it very difficult to form opinions about what I experience (unhealthy Fi?).

At the same time I fall back on Se when I feel very bad, e.g. I used to go on long, 7-10 hour walks when I was depressed, physically exhausting myself so I would not feel a thing. Still prone to this, doing something physical feels like an easy reward (you're still technically doing something even if it's meaningless).

Fe Aux: I value equality greatly and I am quick to jump into others' shoes (although I do not consider myself empathetic). I rely on others in decision-making process, I have to accumulate different viewpoints before setting my mind to something. I think my Fe is not healthy because I jump to extremes, desperately avoiding intimacy and social connections in general but trying to live up to possible expectations of select few whose opinion matters to me (such as my family or my partner).

I am afraid that authentic expression of myself is not something others would like, so I suppress my voice even when I have something to say. I avoid conflicts. I am ashamed of my preferences, likes and dislikes. I often envision a version of myself that would be palatable to most people. I often shut myself off from my friends and tend to think that I don't need friends in general. I also perceive every social interaction as a contest which I should win, when I compare myself to others I feel sick, so I avoid social situations.

Ti Tert: I have a strong fear of inferiority (from my underdeveloped Fe). I rarely notice any possible signs of Ti loop though. One thing I have encountered is falling back on intelligence to boost self-esteem. But since I believe that I am uneducated and unintelligent, this mechanism fails.

I also noticed the pattern of avoiding people whom I perceive as high-developed Ti or Ti doms because they make me feel lesser and uncomfortable. I am envious of their vast knowledge and the ease with which they share it. I wish I had more knowledge because my self-esteem depends almost entirely on it, I need to feel "smart", it pressures me to develop Ti but I fail.

I think that is pretty much it. Sorry it took me so long to give a complete answer, it's all a bit of a mess. I hope I followed your instructions properly. I think my main question is whether the conflict that is most prominent in my functional stack is Ne-Si or Ni-Se.

-------------------------------

As I said previously, the INFP stack doesn't fit. There is more than enough counter-evidence to rule it out. As for the INFJ stack, all functions fit quite comfortably. The negative patterns and characteristics you describe are typical for immature INFJs. I think you suffer from Ni-Ti loop much more than you are aware of. Perhaps it's a good idea to read through past INFJ posts to understand your issues better.

[theidiotwhowritesthings]

Hi!! First I want to say that A Fresh Start is absolutely my favorite thing I’ve ever read. I binge read it over the past week and I’m getting ready to re-read it. You write so amazingly that I was hoping I could ask you some questions? I’ve been trying to write a Din Djarin piece for a couple months now and I just hate it every time I read through it; and you write him so well! I am not new to the Star Wars fandom, my parents practically raised me on Star Wars, but I’m new to writing fan fiction for the Star Wars community. Do you do a lot of research to get the languages/terms? Do you also do a lot of research on the different worlds? When you’re writing do you pre-plan your plot or do you just write while it feels good? How extensively do you edit? I feel like editing is my downfall. Do you have any advice for for someone like me who is striving to be as good of a writer as you? 🥹 thank you and I can’t wait to read more of your writing!!

PS. Don’t feel like you have to answer this publicly or at all! I mostly just want to give you love on your writing because it is absolutely amazing!! 🩵🩵

OKAY FIRST OF ALL, YOU’RE SO FUCKING SWEET. Thank you so much omgg. And absolutely yes ask me all the questions. I will always answer (you didn’t even have to butter me up with compliments💁🏻‍♀️✨)

I love when people say they like how I write Din b/c I’m low-key just throwing a bunch of headcanons together and praying for the best lolol.

Long rambles ahead of me attempting to answer questions:

For Mando’a, I am not awesome at it. Some people are so way better. I had someone actually correct me once on the tense of a word and it blew my mind. However, I use this dictionary and this translator. I have no idea how accurate either is but I wing it from there lol.

I am a big researcher and it’s b/c I’m a perfectionist. I’m shockingly more lazy about it when it comes to Star Wars worlds. Like, I’ll search it up and get the big things (world name, setting, city names, etc.) but from there I just toss things in that I think would make sense? And in my last chapter of AFS, I just straight made up a world b/c I didn’t feel like doing research. I think that’s part of the beauty in working with a medium like Star Wars is that when it comes to setting you have a lot of free reign.

Ah. The age old question of ‘plotter vs pantser’. There are huge merits to both. For my original story, I have sat down and extensively plotted things out. Like a good little organized writer, which tbh is part of the reason why I’ve been lazy with it. Naturally, I am very much a pantser. I will come into a story with a vague idea of what I want, a few mental scenes I want to play with, but from there I just sort of let it roll. Writing fan fiction is like playing jazz for me. Very in the moment, improvisation, winging it.

Many times, I am surprised by my own ideas and that’s why it’s so much fun. Now, granted once I start writing a plot begins to form in my head. A rough outline. For example, in AFS, I started out with one idea: Domestic Din Djarin. And I had one scene in my head I specifically wanted to write: the scene where reader save a sick Grogu. So, I just started writing things and around chapter 6 or 7 my brain had a rough plan on where I wanted the story to go and how I want it to end, but I still leave it very open for if a new idea suddenly comes to me.

UGH EDITING SUUUUCKS. I go through one round of editing b/c otherwise it feels miserable. I write the chapter or the drabble without stopping to look back and edit. My only recommendation is ‘DONT EDIT WHILE YOU WORK’, b/c you end up getting stuck in this loop. Write it all out, just get it on paper, then read through it and edit afterwards.

I’ll type out a Drabble in google docs without re-reading it or editing it, then I post it over to Tumblr and when it’s on that new page win a different style I read through it and edit as I go. Then I hit post. (So if you come across errors in my work that’s why lolol)

My advice is don’t strive to be like me. (I mean I am totally honored to hear that you think I’m a great writer and want to be like me, that went STRAIGHT to my ego).

But what I mean is, never try to shape yourself into any other style. Don’t ever compare yourself to others. Because I guarantee you, right now, that you have skills and gifts that I probably can’t bring to the table. You are going to write something and just by it being in your voice you are creating something unique and beautiful. So don’t ever try to edit the way you write to match someone else b/c then you’d be depriving the world of your own voice. That being said the best advice I was ever given about improving my own writing skill and style was ‘JUST WRITE’ and it’s so hard lolol. B/c I wanna write but I don’t wanna write. You feel me? I just want all the words in my head to be on paper and that be it hahah. But the point of that is, it’s like any other skill or hobby or sport, the more you do it the better you become and the more comfortable you feel with your style.

I have no formal training in writing. My degree is in science, only took the baseline literature classes in college, so everything I know and do is self taught through trial and error. One of these days, I might post one of my early works b/c it is ATROCIOUS. Like literally godawful. I swear to you I’m not being humble, it was actual trash BUT IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE. The first things you create are not going to be brilliant or moving and they might even make yourself cringe when you look back on it, but as long as you had fun writing it that’s what matters. Then you keep writing and writing and writing and eventually you find your rhythm.

I started writing in the 7th grade. If you compare my 7th grade work to my 10th grade work, I improved by leaps and bounds. Compare my 10th grade work to my sophomore year of college works, again HUGE changes. Compare my college years of writing to what I do today? Even better.

I still have days where I’ll stare at a page and feel incompetent and illiterate. It happens. But I never gave up on writing, b/c it was truly what I loved to do, and gradually I found and solidified my voice. I don’t think I’m an extraordinary writer by any means, but I am confident in the words I use and the style I write in. And that makes me happy.

So, that was my VERY long winded way of saying: I am so proud of you, I think you're being harder on yourself than necessary (everyone is their own worst critic), and have fun. 💜

[harrowharks-iliac-crest]

10

10 chapters in, we're maybe a quarter of the way through the book.

Another flashback. Fifth skull, in two. Presumably this is Harrow's recollection of how Abigail and Magnus died?

Only just realised that Ortus's epic of Nonius is probably chocka full of foreshadowing, which I've just been ignoring, for the most part.

"[...]If they are in the River, whatever the depth, I can only hope that a handful of minor relics and the new blood of my beating heart will tempt them to the surface. Nobody has ever tempted a Lyctor before. I am not even certain where they go. Do Lyctors enter the River? Do Lyctors pass as we pass? I don’t know where they wait. I don’t know how to direct them. But I would so love to try.”

An absolutely fascinating insight to how Fifth necromancy works, straight from the mouth of Abigail Pent.

“Stop flirting with my wife,” said Magnus. (Harrowhark had forgotten that he was Abigail’s husband, and found the concept of making eyes at one’s cavalier too revolting to bear.)

You were kinda making eyes at Gideon, though. Complimented her prowess with the sword, and everything.

She was mostly unsettled by his eyes, which were of a colour suddenly hard to define, and whose focus was on her entire. “Is this really how it happens?” he said. “Pardon?” said Harrowhark.

Is this really how it happens, Harrow? Is it???

Abigail's next question makes my skin crawl, and Harrow's as well, since she runs away from it immediately. Her House's best guarded secret, and Abigail just almost figures it out, offhand.

"[...]I will invoke Tomb retribution. I’ll kill Pent where she stands if I need to, and you will swear that there was no sin of unjustified House war, no matter the circumstances.” Only a pause. “Yes, my Lady Harrowhark,” said Ortus. This calm agreement made her all the more furious. She did not examine why. “And it ought to be Non-i-us as three syllables, or Non-yus as two,” Harrow added, taking bloody satisfaction in cruelty.

Almost makes me wonder if Harrow killed Abigail and Magnus in this timeline.

Anyway - if this is really memory alteration, it's really fucking thorough.

Oh, another "The eggs you gave me all died and you lied to me" note, this time on the paper given to her by Abigail. Soooo interesting.

made the sign she had taught to Ortus—the one that asked the question, What am I seeing? He instantly took the paper from her shivering fingers and scanned it. “If you come to my room, I will make you the potato dish you liked,” he read aloud, with gravity

That doesn't make any more sense than the Eggs note, tbh. Even less when you consider that Abigail gave it to her, as a boon to share her research.

And then -

For the love of God, Ortus, I need a cavalier with backbone.” “You always did,” said Ortus. “And I am glad, I think, that I never became that cavalier.” Hours after the fact, when she was lying in her bed, Harrow’s brain let the response roll up to the surface: What the hell do you mean by that? Which was not a comeback.

We end the chapter on this little bombshell.

Okay, so almost certainly fake memories. I'm so sure of that now, because anything else doesn't really make sense. Fake memories which are so good, so convincing - but still fall short, still have mistakes. Deep down, Harrow knows that this isn't right.

This isn't how it happens.

[fragilelittlething]

[LONG POST]

TW: Dissociation, suicide

DEPERSONALIZATION DEREALIZATION DISORDER

#1

When I first found out the name of the state I was in, I was terrified. Sure it was comforting to know there's a name and not only me experiences it. But it didn't mean I would gladly welcome and accept that I may have this disorder. I got scared because I knew what it felt and I didn't want to live with it every day.

But here I am, after four months of denial and forgetting about this disorder, I stumbled upon it again the other day. When I found an online community, I was relieved. However, I realized mine might be more worse than many. And that's the root of my fear, the cause of my surrender.

One day, I'll be gone. While I can still keep my sane state, I'll try my best to write down/record my experience for my fellow prisons of their mind and medical researchers who would use my experience for their study. I hope that this little information would reach people and make the other sufferers feel a bit comfort even for a short period of time.

BACKGROUND

My name is [redacted] and I'm [redacted] years old. I identify myself as female. I hate introducing myself because I don't connect with it. A few hours ago, someone asked my name unexpectedly (irl) and when I told him what it was, it felt like saying an ordinary word.

I live in a poor corrupt country where mental health is not a priority, is expensive, and difficult to access. Therefore, I wouldn't wait a thousand years searching for a doctor before telling myself "Hey, you have DPDR." The kind psychiatrist only said I have clinical depression. To be fair, I didn't tell her that I don't feel real because you know, I didn't believe I have DPDR at the time. Not to mention, many practitioners don't even acknowledge its existence. What more in a poor country. I've been living in a disconnected state for months and even memories of my life since I acquired this mental illness were blurry. I'm still hoping I get a proper medication and treatment but right now, it seems nowhere near possible. Most likely, death will come first. Hopefully, this month.

THE FEELING

I've described it a thousand times in my head and on my notes app that's why I also hate doing it all over again. I have too many questions about this disorder and even I wanted to share everything that may have caused this to develop in my personality, I feel like I can't. If I get enough engagement though, I might feel willing to share.

Right now, I'm not fully disconnected. Most of the time, I'm 40% in touch with reality. The constant feeling is that I'm not real. That nothing makes sense. Here are the list of the feelings I feel every day/sometimes (as far as I can recall): (I wouldn't elaborate them in vivid details because it's mentally draining.)

I feel dead. Obviously, when you don't feel your memories and emotions, there's also that feeling of emptiness and absence of self. I cried so hard when I realized I didn't have it.

I'm just a nameless entity. No connection with my name and memories. I hate my memories when I was normal because it reminds me of what I lost and probably never get back.

I feel like floating.

There was a rare moment that I felt like my body was melting.

I could never concentrate in the moment the same way like a normal person does.

Once I was reading a book, it was difficult to understand it when you thought the letters were just meaningless characters inked on a paper. And my vision would distort my hand holding the book.

I experience mild weird sensations in my head. One time my head felt it was being split apart.

I have weak to zero sense of time. I'd forget the time gap between the previous action I did and the current time as if waking up from a dream you barely remember. It happens when I'm lying on the bed.

I'm trapped in my head. There's the real me inside my head who holds all the logic, memories, and emotions that I have. Now, I'm just a shell of it who could not perform like a normal human being. Every day feels like I'm being reborn, or reincarnated. I still remember my past but seems like I'm a new person and those memories are not mine but a stranger's.

I can't recognize people. I know them but I don't feel them.

I have no interest in the future.

HOW IT'S AFFECTING ME/IT HAS AFFECTED ME

Lots of suicidal thoughts (vivid images)

Severe depressive symptoms

Unhealthy eating/starving myself

Isolation from people

I'm dumber now and more forgetful

Locking myself in my room

Not using my phone

Just crying (endless)

Irrational/intrusive thoughts

Insufficient communication with "friends"

Poor performance in uni (considering dropping out now but it's another depressing story personally, maybe next time)

Talking to myself (I have no one else to talk to)

Despising reality

Social anxiety

Feeling alienated. Or not human.

Loss of talent and creativity

Wasting time doing nothing

Trouble sleeping

Learning was a chore

ETC. ETC.

Some of these have not been happening in a while or not as severe as it used to. Not sure if it's an improvement because I always go back to the main issue of this disorder: not feeling real or present. I actually feel like I have given up that I'd recover. Seems really impossible. I will never have a normal life. I won't achieve my dreams. The future is something I don't want to think about. It doesn't feel like it exists. Maybe I don't exist. I'm thinking of cutting all my ties with all the people I've known because I couldn't accept this. I couldn't swallow that this is going to be my life every day. Same shit EVERY DAY.

Next post I'll be talking about the real me and the life I've imagined I would have. The community lessened my suicidal ideas but I'm still dead. I can't recognize myself anymore is few of the sentences I always whisper to myself.

THE ART

I made that one really quickly so I can have a picture in my post and it represents the symptoms of DPDR. No I wouldn't explain them. You understand it. I know that. Great thing that I was able to draw something again (especially an original artwork). I've been immobilized for so long. And I've been keeping it to myself. So difficult to find people who will believe me and accept me. Fuck. Even my dreams feel more real than reality itself. Better to be trapped in there and not here, in the reality but dreaming.

###

I'm new to this community because I've ignored I possibly have the disorder for so long. If you have a Discord server for people with DPDR, please reply with the link or send it to me through private message. I want to join. Or if there's none, I'll create one if I see enough people who can join it. (I have a feeling the psych ward is waiting for me. I'm defeated. Why do I feel like all of this isn't real? Nothing is real.)

Anyway, I can't change my avatar or header because Tumblr wouldn't allow me (even using my laptop, I can't!) so attaching my artwork makes me more credible at least.

Kindly PM me if you're going to use this artwork in your blog/articles. DON'T USE IT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

If someone wants to support my art journey so I can earn money and feel that I'm real by participating in money transactions in the capitalist world, please motivate me. I do hope this post reaches the right people because I don't trust the reality now.

[mirthofbooks]

Hello! I totally adore your blog and writing! I hope i don't bother you, but i was wondering if you have tips on how to improve writing? Not in the sense of grammar but to be more creative in using words. I try to write analysis or opinions on certain books/characters or even reviewing but i find myself recycling the same words and i have trouble at expressing myself clearly through writing. Also do you think writing for yourself only (short stories, one-shots, etc) is good and not waste of time? I'm not confident enough in my writing so i usually write for myself only, but at the same time i feel that feedback is important even though i am quite embarrassed at sharing my writing due to it being weak.

Sorry, this got so long!

Thank you very much.

Hello!

I have a few thoughts for you, and apologies for taking a few days, I wasn't on tumblr much this past week <3

So first off, the best way imo to improve your word usage is to read widely and a lot. Read different genres and different authors because they will all have different styles and different vocabulary that they favor, and you can learn a lot from them. When I write something that's in a historical setting, I'm able to pull from a lot of classics and historical fiction that I've read in the past. But really read from different genres, because a single genre might have similar vocabulary that others won't use at all (think of sci-fi using vocab related to space, technology or time, versus historical fiction using vocab related to clothes and society).

Regarding expressing yourself clearly, it's totally natural not to do that well on the first round of drafting! The thought process and the writing process often happen simultaneously. That means that you might not even fully know what you're trying to say until you start typing and working through your ideas. It happens to me all the time where I start with a kernel of an idea, and as I write, I gain more clarity into what I'm really thinking or even get new ideas, or better understanding of *why* I'm thinking a certain way. There is a lot of research to back this up, the fact that writing is NOT purely a process of translating thoughts onto paper - often, we have to figure our thoughts out along the way and writing helps us with that, not the other way around.

I absolutely think that writing for yourself is important. Getting feedback is important, but not everything you ever write will be for public consumption. When you're figuring out your own style, that's something *you* need to decide on. Other people can help, but ultimately it's work you need to do and feel comfortable with. It also gives you a low-stakes way to get in tons of practice. I write every day, even if it's just a quick note in my journal. Doing a short story or one-shot can be a great way of focusing in on a specific scene and really exploring how it works, without having to think about the bigger picture that could be distracting you.

I think, in a related note, that it's also important to have fun, and you can't do that if you're just thinking about how other people will perceive your writing. Think about how people can help you, specifically. Do you need to bounce plot ideas off of them? Ask about style? Talk about your characters? Is there world-building you want feedback on? Or do you just want someone to tell you that you're making sense? Because depending on what you need, that feedback should come at different points in the process, which means that you don't need to have a perfect draft, or even anything written at all. And one more thing about feedback, you can always tell people exactly what kind of feedback you're looking for, if you know. Or work with a different person if the first one gave you some weird advice.

I hope this helps!

[phoenix-knight]

Dr.Tumblr Mindfuckery, The Therapist: so, how are ya doin?

Me: running on fast depleting reserves of energy because I have no idea how others do it and why the fuck does this have to be so difficult?

Dr.Tumblr Mindfuckery, The Therapist: when was the last time you took a breather?

Me: I don't fuckin know, I don't remember...ok I see what you're implying but there is no way law school will be less cruel to me

Dr.Tumblr Mindfuckery, The Therapist: I notice you have the eyes of imminent burnout and forceful productivity

Me: I see you're talking about irrelevant things

Dr.Tumblr Mindfuckery, The Therapist: why?

Me: ok lookie here thought technician, I worked my ass off for a classical dance performance on the 74th Republic day of India, while totally wrecking my body cause my glutes ached for days with all the half-sitting/squatting positions and brutal practice... I got barely 5 days of rest most of which I spent worrying about how the fuck I was gonna complete all the research papers I have been assigned. now our dance contingent is participating in a fest and obviously, I couldn't not go there because its an opportunity for a professional competition, and the dancer in me is hungry for some fucking recognition even if my brain engine is running on sleep deprivation and SSRI meds. I still just had to fucking go cause that's what members do for their team. with all the dance practices till 5 PM, I reach home one and half hour later at 6:30 PM, taking into account the time I take to freshen up in the space of an hour, I have no space to breathe. I am already freaking out about the amount of research I have to get done and the 1500 word essays I have to write. here i am ranting on tumblr about said pressure and stress of managing a hundred things simultaneously, instead of completing what I can. I have gone as far as to bring my laptop to class and read research papers in class while trying to blink my eyes into submission after staring at the screen for too fucking long...*panting*

Dr.Tumblr Mindfuckery, The Therapist: (...)

Dr.Tumblr Mindfuckery, The Therapist: (.......)

Me: *still panting*

Dr.Tumblr Mindfuckery, The Therapist: wow, that's a......

Me: I know what you're gonna say, don't say it, don't you fucking say-

Dr.Tumblr Mindfuckery, The Therapist: ...a lot.

Me: FUCKKKKKK I KNOOOOOOOOOW *lets out a bloodcurdling scream*

Dr.Tumblr Mindfuckery, The Therapist: *looks visibly petrified*

Me: *sighs* that felt better, now that you're on the same page, what the fuck do I do.

Dr.Tumblr Mindfuckery, The Therapist:(awkwardly) do what you can...?

Me: no shit, doc.

Dr.Tumblr Mindfuckery, The Therapist: *clears throat* look, i know it seems like a shitty thing to say, but really, you ARE doing the best you fucking can with the energy and will you currently have. you have a lot on your plate and that is clearly exhausting, it is totally understandable that at the end of the day you are physically and mentally exhausted. it makes sense that you have little to no energy left to cater to the projects that were assigned to you. you cannot run on empty smoke, human bodies get tired, need alone time, to recharge and replenish energy reserves. human bodies need rest to do better at whatever they can't seem to do after pulling an allnighter. even though juggling things simultaneously is fucking hard, i know you're still standing. you are surviving and moving forward, slowly and surely. take a breath, reprioritize, and focus on doing what you think is possible right now, not on perfecting everything you do. you may not be able to achieve the quality you envisioned, but that quality of research comes from at least weeks of research and enough time to comb through them. you have neither the time nor the energy reserve to do that right now. you have to execute what is currently feasible, not what is clearly unrealistic, such expecting to be able to contribute 100% to dance for 3+ hours, attending classes for hal, travel, study and writing assignments....

Do what you can.

[autixel]

BAKED ARCHIVES PART 2. Marble's Testimony

Marble's crust was burnt in some places, so was mine, but his was burnt more. Some burn marks were new, some scars, evidence of other wounds dotted the little areas I could see. He broke from the hug, saying to me,

"It's good to see you, Rye."

"It's good to see you too, Marble."

I welcomed him into my office. After the war, the bread nation wasn't doing the best. I invited him to sit down in a chair, he took it and sat down carefully. Arthritis was settling in for both of us. Though it seemed faster to him than it did me. I asked,

"Would you like a drink?"

"Yes please."

I got him a yeasty beverage, yeast was critical to us like water was to everything else. I don't know why, but I'm not a scientist so I don't mind. He thanked me, and relaxed into the chair.

"It's been some time, Rye, whatcha been up to?"

"Just some strategy stuff. For future generations, you know?"

"Yeah, I get it."

Some time passed, I didn't mind it, I was glad to see him again, so any time around him was a treasure in and of itself. He decided that it was enough at some point,

"Do you know what it's like out there?"

No, I didn't really. I read about it in papers and such, some gossip, but I unfortunately didn't think about it much.

"No, I don't."

"Well,"

He said that, but then he took some more time to think about what he was about to say.

"It ain't good, the war took place mainly in agricultural areas. Hopefully you can understand by now what I'm trying to get at."

I did, I didn't want to but I did. The battlezones were either barren wastes, or fields of cereal grains. Those fights were usually started by the offender, since they know, no food means weaker soldiers, weaker soldiers mean easier fights. We won, but our lives and minds paid the cost. The cost was food in this case.

"We got no food?"

"Not really, we got around 10% the amount of food we had."

That basically meant no food, before the war I heard that we were just barely getting by with what we had. We had little reserves that weren't even owned by the government and were on the brink of famine and sometimes disease nearly every week. It was difficult before the war, now it's even worse.

"So, I'm assuming it hasn't been good."

"Far from it. Riots, theft, break-ins in various parts and buildings of the country. Doesn't even have to be residential or a market. If there is any clue, even imaginary, people just flock to them."

I'd been growing food already, fortunately all types that I'd want to have around to stay healthy. I had my own reserve, I'd done my research. But I was special, a war veteran with a multitude of knowledge of war, its strategy, its factors, its effects. I’d be fine, and I was fine. My fame and past choices helped me out quite a bit. I said,

“Unfortunately, that sounds about right for the aftermath of war.”

“I heard there was even a book on it. Not specifically the aftermath, but philosophies on the strategy of war. Sad that the only copy left is with the mooncake kingdom. With it also being centuries old, it’s a wonder I know about it at all.”

The key seemed to be from the mooncake kingdom, there were inscriptions of various characters on the key itself. None of the scholars in the country know anything about the mooncake language. The kingdom is pretty closed off in and of themselves. However, there was a raid a couple weeks ago by the tart empire for some reason. The mooncakes don’t wage war, but they aren’t exactly allies with anyone, so I guess that makes sense. Marble obviously wasn't done speaking,

“So you may be wondering, how am I alive? How did I manage to escape from the army?”

“I was a little curious way back when.”

“I get cha’. The story goes like this. It was around 01:00 and I randomly woke up from a dream that told me if I didn’t get out, I’d die. As you know, I was assigned to the high wastes. I decided earlier that I was going to escape one I got to my post. A gut feeling told me to leave earlier, but of course I didn’t listen. I got to the post, and almost immediately I saw rot gas about a mile away. With the wind how it was that day, it’d only take five minutes for the gas to get to the post, and kill everyone. After I said a couple expletives, I ran. I ran with all my might, I couldn’t risk it.”

He paused.

“Unfortunately, I did get some on my leg. I healed, thankfully I was fast enough to get away from the wastes and travel more into the old city. I found a bread outpost down south, down in Oasis.”

“Oasis? I didn’t realize we went that far south.”

“Apparently they just told us what we needed, and answered our questions every so often when we got our heads out of the dirt.”

We called it Oasis, because for some reason, there was always water there. Somehow, someway, it didn’t get claimed by any country. That someway was a treaty between all peoples to not claim control of Oasis. The treaty was there, yes, but there was always a country trying to get water there. Every country needs water. It may not be for immediate consumption, but it is critical to their food, the vast majority of the time.

“So I was in Oasis for a little bit, I knew I had to head somewhere. So I went to Sugara. It was definitely an experience. I found an entrance through the underside of the city. A family took me in, they told me I had to go back to my homeland, and fast. In Sugara they now have an authoritarian style of government. Heavy watches and patrols over the entire building. They said that their supreme council was ruthless, and that if they found out I was here, they’d kill me. I stayed for two cycles, they told me that it was too dangerous for me to stay there. They gave me a pouch of food, mainly sugar and some yeast. Getting out was difficult. Thankfully it was dark. However they strengthen patrols at night. The city was foggy, and that helped me a lot. I forgot where the entrance into Sugara was, so I could go out that way. There are five walls that surround the place, each five feet high. The spacing in between each was 10 feet. It was divided equally with barbed wire, and perfectly smooth sand. Watch towers were stationed every 20 feet. They were armed with slingshots. On the last wall, someone found me, and shot. It’s where I get this number from.”

He rolled up his sleeve, and revealed a big slash cut right into his arm. The crust healed, but still very much noticeable. I could tell that he lost some flesh with that.

“But at least it wasn’t far from the outside. I jumped up about two feet, broke in some foot rests, and pulled through the next three. I stayed a moment at the top. It was a stupid thing to do, yes, but the view was amazing. The buildings interconnected like spiderwebs and in my view, the main house of the supreme cookie seemed to sparkle under the moonlight. The fog dripped like waterfalls from the towering house complexes. I fortunately was snapped out of my reverie by a stone flying right by me. I jumped off the wall, and into the dirt.”

He stopped for a second after that. He was probably trying to get his story straight. I could understand, I’d do the same thing. He cleared his throat and took a swig of yeast.

“After I escaped Sugara, I didn’t stop running to get back here. There was however one problem, the tart empire. I had to get through central Solis in order to get back here. Of course that’d be an issue considering, hey, I killed your prince, and stole the key that was hanging around his neck. Hope you don’t mind! Fortunately that went without much of a problem. I stole some of their sugar, cause why not, and I went right back to getting here.”

He stifled a chuckle.

“Funny enough, getting back here was more difficult than going through central Solis. Fires all around, people screaming, disease, murder. It wasn’t fun. Then the guards for the military department didn’t recognise me. That I hate the most. I told them that I was Marble. They told me, me, that I died in the last high wastes battle. It’s funny looking back, but annoying at the time. So I did what a lot of people for sure would. I broke in!”

He said this last part with a smile. It was a smile that did not regret a thing. He enjoyed it, and he would do it again.

“I broke in through a window in the lower hall. Someone stupidly left it open, and I just wedged through. After that I came up here, and I saw that this was your office. And then my story ends here.”

“That sounds like quite a ride.”

“Yes, it was.”

“Well my friend. It’s good to have you back.”

“And you, Rye.”

I smiled, it wasn’t a toothy kind, just a smile of relief. I relaxed further into my chair, and we sat, in comfortable silence. Knowing that we didn’t lose each other, and we weren’t going to again.

[lochrannn]

Maybe how to stick to finishing your wip? Setting up fic goals? I have a tendency to abandon my wips for stupid reasons, start something new and so on and I hate it.

Mmmhh, I think this one is hard to answer, cause I really am not usually the type of person who even starts a job, let alone finishes it. Many of my irl friends would point to me as the person they know who procrastinates the hardest on basically anything.

But I think I've worked out why, I personally, stick with writing fic and usually don't abandon anything and write it within a relatively short amount of time.

I have a philosophy degree.

And though I loved studying philosophy, writing fucking essays and term papers was just genuinely the hardest mental work I've ever needed to do. Cause, yeah, sure you can research shit and bring together a lot of existing theories and ideas. But, anon, I tell you, I was actually quite good and suddenly had some ambition about a thing when I was at college (after spending all of my high school years coasting on the privilege of being okay smart and having highly educated parents), which meant I couldn't just phone it in, or didn't even just want to do a decent job, I wanted to write something good.

And fuck that was hard. I spent months tinkering with a paper, having found a subject I found interesting and trying to work out what my angle is, what my unique contribution could be. That basically meant staring at a flickering curser for hours and hours and hours and "thinking" (read panicking).

But somehow I managed to get a decent degree, said thanks no thanks to the offer of doing a phd and got the hell out of college to go do other stuff for a while and then finally trained in a very solid job that allows me to do relatively challanging work with cool people, but I never really have to produce anything or come up with major ideas on my own and that suits me just fine.

However, I accidently stumbled on writing fic as a thing that I enjoy creating/producing, and because we all basically know how a narrative works, most of the points beats along the way are easily set (I don't usually deliberately lift those whole-sale from a different narrative, except for my pride and prejudice and sense and sensibility inspired aus) but I don't kid myself into believing that my fic is in anyway particularly original.

So yeah, I just know which beats I want to hit and then I write what needs to happen to get there. Occasionally that's just pretty straight forward, not too flashy that I can't actually commit to it, but just well enough that, at least that's how it seems to me, the story flows and my "style" or "voice" kind of fades into the background. And then occasionally I come up with something that really makes me quite happy and I personally find rather artistic (like in the fic I posted yesterday, there was a bit that made me feel things). And then it's a bit more challanging but effectively as satisfying as painting by numbers.

So it doesn't scare me to have a story that I "need" to finish, cause I know I can and I know I will. I also have spent years and decades finding cool fics that got abandonned halfway through and hoping for years that they might get updated, so, maybe a little bit of guilt is also spurring me along.

Oh, and honestly, find yourself someone to commit to. Tell someone about your wips (unless of course this puts uncomfortable amounts of pressure on you) and then finish it for them. I talk to @pepperf about most of the stories I plan (unless I want them to be a surprise for her as well), even though she's much nicer than me and doesn't bully me into continue writing and if I abandonned somehting would never say anything. And I made a wip post that I feel I've committed to, because some of them are prompts and just generally I fear I could disappoint some anonymous reader of mine.

I guess, mostly if you want a tip, don't put yourself under too much pressure, but put yourself under a little pressure. Find yourself a hype person, or be your own hype person and feel excited about your stories.

I am, as some anon shokedly realised a few months back, probably a decade or so older than the majority of the people who frequent this website (I've been here for twelve years, I have squatter's rights) so through a mixture of always having a mildly inflated ego and age, I think I have a decent amount of confidence. And I have confidence in my stories. Yeah, I can easily tell how they compare to better writers, but I also think they are perfectly adequate and entertaining and they're the sort of thing I would want to read.

So, yeah, put a little bit but not too much pressure on yourself, and indulge yourself. It's supposed to be a hobby.

(oh, also, I only ever start writing when I'm relatively sure I've actually got enough of an idea to finish it. Everything else is not an abandonned wip, it's a wonderful day dream <3)