eliahq

[winwinwrites]

I just can't listen anymore

Pairings: c!Fundy & c!Wilbur

Word count: 590

Summary:

Fundy loved his father. But he couldn't love someone that just left him alone, someone who stopped caring. A cruel reminder of better times are Wilbur's songs.

Tags: Fundy-centric; Angst; No comfort; Bad Parent Wilbur; Self-Esteem Issues; Self-Hatred; Self-Worth Issues

TW: None

Read on Ao3 || My Ao3 || Other Dsmp works

Fundy loved his father.

The man in his life that brought him to this world, carried him around when he couldn't walk, calmed him down when he couldn't sleep. He felt loved and cared about.

Wilburs musical talents were nothing new, even since a baby there hasn't been a single memory that he can recall that doesn't have a melody representing it. Fascinating how his father can calm the angry oceans that could be Fundy with just a simple melody. How he could make crowds cry for the first time in months.

Fundy loved his father and his musical talents.

There is something cruel about Fundy, Wilburs son, not being able to listen to his fathers songs anymore. Not because the foxes hated for his distant father, even after all he did to him, all this neglect of not caring enough, babying him and just not seeing Fundy as who he was, but because it just hurt too much. The pleasant memories long gone being brought back, opening up old wounds in the process.

Most of the time Fundy wanted to do nothing more than to be able to get lost in those precious melodies, which would drown out the annoying voices reminding him of how much of a failure he is, what a pain in anyone life he is. Fundy wants to relish whatever Wilbur was willing to offer, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. It is as if he wasn't permitted to even escape to his little bubble of safety that were Wilburs songs.

It was a cruel joke that was dealt by his own brain.

When Fundy tries to listen to certain songs from his father he is hit with a fight or flight response. The songs are good, the best he has ever had the pleasure of hearing, but in his brain a loud alarm was begging him to turn it off and run away before it can hurt you.

Scary it was thinking about the reason why.

How could something so peaceful be so cruel? When he was merely a little kit his father would sing him those exact tunes to sleep, but now it brought nothing but misery and distress and he hated himself for it. Because as much as he wants to blame yet another thing on his father, it was his fault, he was fucked up.

He felt jealous of Wilbur and the feeling of uselessness was there to worsen this feeling. Fundy felt like he wouldn't even come close to achieving the greatness which his fathers songs are, he could never compose anything that could bend the feelings of People at his whim. Fundy could never be like Wilbur. Never able to make a song for himself.

Fundy would never achieve anything.

He was useless.

He was a nobody.

And he couldn't even listen to a normal song.

Even though he was satisfied with his life as it is, in his anonymity, in his bubble of being able to do what he wants and not directly be seen and observed at every move he made like many others, but he couldn't stop and be jealous of Wilbur.

The thought of wishing that Will was never born so he could have been him, playing in his mind guilty. Fundy hated it. Hated everything that some Wilburs songs brought with them, as if they were mocking him and laughing at him in his face.

Fundy loved his father, but jealousy, pain and self hatred didn't make it easy to forgive.

[blackwaxidol]

The sense that psychiatry as a field is rather skewed, nitpicky and in some cases disconnected with reality comes about as an obvious thought when you are a teenager discussing your issues, and with time you hear two medical professionals throw about various words between you and themselves. You consider these and wonder if there is something lacking, if your symptoms can be aligned with so much.

Borderline Personality, Bipolar, Schizotypal, Schizoid... yet ultimately choosing a keenness to just examine it as anxiety and depression—which irritated me. Yes, certainly... I have the excruciating anxiety of a schizotype and a schizoid's apathy and disinterest in people and how forcing speech feels like drowning, a borderine's uncontrolled emotional intensity, but if you are taking so much from so many different places... then what at all does it really mean or matter?

It seemed obvious to treat my symptoms. This did not occur, because the desired treatment for depression did not affect me, as I knew it wouldn't. I humoured a few different medications for the sake of leverage... I do that a lot with doctors, you play their little games so that your compliance makes your opinions rather level-headed when the time comes that you can express them. I didn't mind being fucked about with medication, what made me the most difficult was when I was invited to... whatever it was, cognitive behavioural therapy.

Useless, useless... I am not a good talker, I have never found a point in discussing myself with a therapist because it does nothing for me. What am I supposed to feel? Accomplished? I don't hate that therapist or those psychiatrists, it means nothing to me. Unserious profession. Before I was discharged one of my last meetings was during my breakdown in 2018, I told my therapist about my homicidal ideation. The gormless response is "Did you do it?" and it has cemented the notion that there is no consideration of the "why". Why was I so unstable? Why was this my reaction? No thought whatsoever. Had I divulged my childhood I would have gotten a diagnosis of PTSD instead, equally useless in my eyes. What afterwards? More talking therapy? More obligatory speech and worksheets that I care not for..? I always asked directly what the point of this exercise was. I don't remember the answer.

Whatever. I don't feel any particular way about this, it doesn't light a fire under my ass to want to talk antipsychiatry. I read discussions about it from one mutual and that is fine by me. I don't mean to sound disinterested, but the kind of social apathy or anhedonia has never left me and in a lot of ways has worsened significantly. I don't have any mutuals newer than a few years, because I have grown deeply disinterested in getting to know new people, I mention this already to some extent but it would warrant its own post to describe in full.

This post has no point to give, or not one that I am able to see, just a thought of mine I have had for years that I am ready to shelve.

[i-am-the-balancing-point]

No idea for how long I just played but it probably were around two hours. There were only two things I was genuinely excited about and looking forward to: Horses!!! and seeing Dani (I was also told lesbians but I didn’t expect them right in the beginning).

Dani, our beautiful lady! My needs were met. I love her so much. I wish I could kiss her irl. The horse part was severely underwhelming. I don’t even know what exactly I expected but there could have been so much more.

Also the graphics…? I am usually not that pressed about it but character models looked rather like PS3 (I’m playing on PS4, I’m sure it’s much more impressive on next gen but guyyyys ?!? you’re doing these characters dirty) Horse models looked better back on PS3 when I played assassins creed three. That is somehow disappointing.

My biggest pet peeve: you cannot throw rocks. I am hopefully either stupid and missed that part or they will introduce it later when I’ve made more progress bc I refuse to believe they got rid of the mechanic at all.

Visually the whole experience is way too cluttered for me personally. The user interface in general is overwhelming and confusing. (Also, again another personal pet peeve, but there is so much reading required when you go to the menu. I really don’t wanna bother with it. I just want to play and progress. At least at the start. For now I don’t wanna read all that and i do not have the focus to do so but I also kinda need to to properly play.) The map itself is large which is impressive and exciting but the way the zoom works makes using it absolutely atrocious! I would like to not zoom in in steps please? and I also want to zoom in more than it allows me to. It makes the map almost useless to me. I wish there was a better key to the map too. A similar issue with the mini map. It’s just not helpful to me because it’s zoomed out too far.

That made it especially difficult for me when I wanted to liberate a road block (those seem to have replaced outposts? I don’t know). I like to stealth and the mini map in FC3 helped me figure out which way enemies were looking. I am not sure if the mini map in FC6 does that too but I had trouble seeing the little dots in general… Enemy marking is unhelpful too. The markers only add to the visual clutter. I wish marked enemies would just stay marked like in other Far Cry games and not only appear behind objects when they are getting close. But then again I don’t even get to really try a stealthy approach because I cannot distract enemies by throwing rocks anyway. At first I did not even register the alarms. I was looking for them but just could not find them.

I am also no fan of the more RPG-esque style. Personally I liked crafting the way it was in FC3, something I missed in 5 actually, where you collected specific animal hides for bigger holsters etc. Personally, I just don’t like always having to seek out a workbench to craft something. Please just let me go to a shop and buy gun attachments. I do not even understand half of the symbols for materials anyways and I really do not care enough to look them all up.

Also incredibly irritating: The subtitles. If there is a way to turn off the auto translation of spanish terms please let me know because it just confuses me to not have what I’m reading match what I’m hearing. I am already confused and overwhelmed. :‘)

The intro sequence was super pretty and interesting but it felt strangely forced and so wannabe James Bond. Generally speaking, it is probably a nice game that has flaws like pretty much any other game but is just not Far Cry anymore. And that makes me fucking sad. So many creative people worked super hard to make this happen and I feel like I cannot even fully appreciate it because it is too far from what a part of the series should be.

It feels a lot like someone tried to make a bootleg FC but avoiding copyright issues at all cost. This breaks my heart. I wish I was able to enjoy it for what it is and not feel “robbed“ of another Far Cry. This is not the devs fault, just my personal issue, but it is still sad.

To be fair though, what I REALLY liked was how you do not have to hold down L3 anymore to keep moving a body after a takedown. I have big heart eyes for that and am mentally showing ubi my tits! The Characters are just as enthralling as I am used to. At least Dani, Clara and Juan are and I am head over heels for them. Especially Dani! She hits all my soft spots.

But Antón? I just don’t care about him. Also not about Diego. Such a shame. Far Cry always lived off their amazing antagonists and they really lucked out with Giancarlos. It makes me sad they did not make more out of it.

[blue-n-yellow]

stranger things spoilers (also this is incredibly messy but even tho its not worded 6, i think it gets my point across? im too tired to try to edit it right now 😭)

-

im working on a bigger post analyzing the use of the heart on mikes shield in wills painting and mike being called the heart of the group but like. it’s the way that mikes relationship with el/his feelings for her directly parallels els relationship with her powers/her feelings on them.

i don’t… i don’t think we’re supposed to be saying “mike only loves el when she has powers and is using them to benefit him,” that doesn’t feel right. i think… moreso we’re supposed to look for parallels. mike didnt stop loving el *because* she lost her powers, but he struggled to show affection when she was struggling to use her powers. 

when el stopped considering herself a monster because of brenner, and acknowledged that he was fucked up in his actions, she regained control of her powers, and even came back stronger than before. to continue this parallel, mike should simultaneously be renewed in his love for el, and should define their relationship in terms of himself, how he feels about her, instead of doing what he did in season 3, and pointing out his perceived issues with other peoples treatment of el.

but…. as some people have pointed out (if you made a post like this, lmk! id love to find the post i saw about this and give credit), mikes monologue, his confession of love to el, is…. unemotional. everything he lists off about her is factual, it’s details about when they met- it’s things he already knew. he hasn’t grown or changed in how he feels about el, he hasn’t found self stability- he’s still codependent, still reliant on being els boyfriend (im assuming we’re all on the same page about this, but i can explain what i mean by this if we’re not!).

el took the lies being told to her, and all on her own, explained her side of things, added her own thoughts to it all. brenner was trying to get her powers to grow, but it was when el said “no, you’re misconstruing what happened in the lab- it’s not me, it’s you” that she truly grew.

mike took the lies being told to him (by will), and accepted them. he had 100 reasons not to, but for whatever reason (i have thoughts on this, that’s just not the point right now), he didn’t question things. he did not add his own thoughts and feelings to things. he was trying to feel more confident in his and els relationship, and wills feelings became “els, not wills” 

i worded this weird, sorry- els powers become stronger when she accepts the truth about what happened in the lab. mikes feelings for el, his ability to act in love with her, becomes stronger when he doesnt accept the truth about his and els feelings. even when he’s working with true, genuine feelings, he’s misattributing their origin, and thus his “return” of them is inherently a lie. there’s no love, no feeling, in his “response to els feelings” (the monologue, and how factual it was) because… that’s not how el feels.

again. wording is horrible i am so physically tired rn and this went so many places but… i don’t think mikes feelings for el are reliant on her powers. i don’t think her ability to use her powers directly determines whether or not mike loves her. i think instead, that there’s a parallel between el being strong enough to value and love herself in the face of her abusive parent figure, her powers being stronger when she faces the lies being told to her, and mike not being strong enough to face the lies being told to him, rather accepting them as the truth, thus worsening the lie he’s telling himself- that he’s in love with eleven (which, im of the view that mike is struggling with internalized homophobia due to his upbringing/childhood)

they’re not responsible for each other- i don’t think mikes feelings for el impacted her powers (i know, i know “but she was stronger after he confessed!” shhh. no. more on why that’s bd later), and i don’t think els powers impacted mikes feelings for her. i think that els ability to find inner strength and take the difficult road to the happy truth is represented by her relationship with her powers, and i think mikes inability to confront the easy lie which is so burdensome to live is represented by his relationship with el. el is struggling with accepting that her powers are just another part of her, and she’s not horrible for having them, and mike is struggling with accepting who he truly loves, and that his sexuality is just another part of him.

el confronts the lie she’s being told, stops telling herself it, and then her powers grow. mike accepts the lie he’s being told, keeps telling himself it, and… he and el aren’t talking, they’re just not breaking up anymore. their bond is weaker because he’s not acknowledging the truth of it, he’s living based off lies.

[newhologram]

I know only a few of you are on IG so I wanted to give an update here on the past few days. I am doing this knowing the potential risk but I need to also record where I'm at right now in case anything weird happens.

My week has been like this so far. Sunday: Family Member 1 misplaced their Xbox controller. They kept asking me if I knew where it was, each time growing more and more aggressive. I don't have an Xbox, I reminded them. I have my own controller for my PC. But they kept knocking loudly on my door. They followed me outside where I was vaping and tried to accuse me of I don't even know what. Pawning off their controller? FM1 said, "Is there something going on that you're not telling me? SOMEONE'S messing with me!" Later that night they and their gf were making dinner. FM1 suddenly knocked harshly on my door and said aggressively, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE OVEN MITTS" in an angry voice. I was already stressed from them harassing me earlier about the controller. I came out of my room, heart racing, and told them I had not used them that day. I helped find the mitts, which had fallen behind the trash can because the hanging hook had broken. I went to bed on edge, feeling unsafe and targeted, wondering why my family member was suddenly acting so paranoid and accusing me of misplacing their things... Something they actually have done to me my whole life, denying it until the moment my item is found, when they suddenly remember they did move it there (or accidentally throw it out/destroy it). The controller ended up being some random place in the living room. Monday: I went to leave for my acupuncture appointment. My booster seat/pillow thing was missing from my car. Not in the trunk or anything. I cannot drive without it. I'm too short to see over the steering wheel. I called FM1 and they have no idea where it could be, despite the fact that they drive my car every day. FM1's gf helped find it, in the garage. But I still had an epic fucking meltdown, sobbing the whole way to and from my appointment. I just cannot handle people moving my shit and disrupting my schedule like that. And it just hurt so much more knowing that FM1 was so awful to me the day before about their stuff being misplaced. I'm always having my personal belongings, my feelings, my personhood, disrespected. It hurts deeply. When I got home I stressed to them that this is my car, and my accommodation should not ever be removed from it under any circumstances. It was after this that I decided it was time to hold a family meeting. I called Family Member 2 and 3 over to the house. I read a long letter to them in which I told them about the talks I have had with my therapist, psychiatrist, and another psychologist. Even though I cannot be formally assessed and diagnosed at this time, I am being treated for autism. I detailed to my family my entire life of trauma that is traced back directly to my autistic traits, and my needs not only not being met, but being outright denied. I was denied empathy most of my life for my sensory issues, my pain, everything. A big part of this is gaslighting. Even if it's unintentional or not malicious, gaslighting is incredibly traumatic. Especially when it comes to my sensory issues. I have had even more problems with overstimulation the past year which means I can barely sleep, so my daily naps are even more important. I try to coordinate my naps when there is less activity in my house. But if I'm in a ton of pain and extra sensitive and ask for quiet, that's when I get in trouble and a fight happens. That's when FM1 tells me I "need to be realistic" and "can't expect the whole world to shut up for you"... when I'm literally saying "I have a migraine and need to rest, can you please not play loud music or slam cupboards in the kitchen for a few hours?"

I was emotionally neglected and abused by both parents. A lot of it is just the result of their own trauma that they have not dealt with... But I have also been physically threatened and assaulted by them at different times, though it only happened those specific times. (They won't ever admit to it though.) The emotional and mental abuse still goes on in my home. I am not allowed to have emotions. I have been told "STOP. WHY ARE YOU CRYING. LIFE'S NOT FAIR. WHEN YOU GET OUT IN THE REAL WORLD YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT" over and over--like... in response to me crying about my pet dying, or in response to me crying bc I'm in horrible pain from my chronic illnesses, or crying after my usual yearly ER visit. I am also not allowed to have boundaries. I have tried to communicate with FM1 that these things hurt me deeply. And their response is basically, "YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL. I PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD!" and threats such as "BETWEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND GRANMDA, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO DRIVE OFF AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!" or "I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU"-- y'know, in response to having a disabled child. Ouch. The message is clear: I am nothing but an inconvenience and a burden to my family. I still have nightmares about them abandoning me, or abusing me more. I think in their heads they think that they love me. But this isn't love. If I try to talk to them about how dangerous it is for them to say things like that to me, they say "I never said/did that." Which brings us back to the gaslighting: I said that every time they gaslight me and tell me that my emotions/thoughts/experiences aren't real, it triggers me so badly that I self-harm and become suicidal.

I was very clear with them: I said that I can no longer have that in my life because one day it will kill me. I don't wanna die that way. I want to live. I have very bad PTSD and it's something I have worked on for 8 years but it has been worse the past year with so many disruptions and FM1's worsening narcissistic traits. I gave the choice to them. I said if they gaslighted me again that they were making the decision to not be in my life. Because this is about preserving my life. I'm trying not to die here. I'm literally trying to save my own life, even if that means not having a relationship with my family. They accept that I am autistic... But they then took turns gaslighting me. When I pointed out, "that's gaslighting. that's exactly what I just said in my letter. What you're doing is gaslighting" they went even harder on it. They said my experience and my trauma is "not in line with reality". They also said I "need to be reasonable" with the boundary that I'm setting (meaning: they don't believe in boundaries at all). They tried to guilt trip me with, "you can't cut someone out of your life because what if they DIE and then you FEEL GUILTY??" (I mean, what if I killed myself because you keep hurting me? Wouldn't you feel guilty about that?) They also guilt tripped me with "well we TRY to invite you to family stuff, and we try to include you, but you never want to go..." um... I guess they forgot I am chronically ill? Sorry if I don't have the energy or pain tolerance to drive an hour each way to a loud family party after I've worked all week? I cried and cried, I said this is exactly what I told you that you do to me and how it endangers my life... and you're doing it... while telling me you don't do it to me... They were all weird and told me "we love you and would do anything for you!" except... I guess, not gaslight me constantly? Idk. I felt so trapped. I felt so hopeless. I was up all night crying. I wondered, "Why is the idea of me having distance from them somehow worse than me being dead? Why would they prefer that I die rather than set a boundary that will save me?" And then I remembered: I had set the terms. They broke them. You do this, you're out of my life, because me being alive is more important than us having a relationship which will eventually kill me. I'm not trapped. It doesn't matter if they think they can prevent me from setting this boundary because they can't. I'm in charge of my boundary. So I blocked them on social media, as well as their phones. I have to unfortunately keep FM1 unblocked bc I live with them, they drive my car, and they look after my cats while I am at work. If I didn't have so many great things happening behind the scenes, if I didn't have my cats, if I didn't have amazing friends and followers who are supportive and kind... I can definitely see that I would have ended my life that night in some alternate timeline. That is how much pain I was in from them doing that to me. Them literally trying to gaslight me into not setting a boundary. I mean it would've been so ridiculous on their part, can you imagine? Me: Hey family, when you gaslight me, it makes me suicidal. I don't want to die, so either you stop doing that, or we can't have a relationship. Family: UHH NO *gaslights me anyway* Me: ok *kills self* Family: *surprised Pikachu face* Like???? Would they really have been shocked because it seems like they should have known since I told them directly? And that just shows that they really don't take my pain seriously at all. They think I'm overly sensitive and that my trauma is not real. That would have been a painful wake up call for them. I told my therapist all of this. And she agrees that this is good, this is going to not only ween them off of me but also allow me to focus on all the good stuff I have going on. I have to get moving. So much stuff has been lagging because I'm constantly recovering from them triggering me. I'm going to focus, and heal, and gtfo of here. Thank you for your support and for never invalidating my pain.

[thebibliosphere]

Hey, I'm really sorry to bother you and I hope I'm not out of line but I just read your newest post about your stomach and I'm curious... Do you have any idea what's wrong? See, I've got something similar and for the last year and a half I've been living on rice, chicken and the few veggies that don't make me sick. I've lost a third of my original weight, but all the doctors I've gone too have no idea what's wrong! Which is why I'm asking. I hope I'm not out of line and I wish you the best day!!

Not a damn clue. My diagnosis currently ranges from “you’re overweight try losing weight” (no longer valid since I dropped fucking 20lbs in a month and likely wasn’t valid for most of my symptoms to begin with) it’s “just” IBS (a chronic condition unto itself which too few people including doctors seem to realize and dismiss as non life impacting simply because it’s “common”) leaky gut caused by allergies (previously thought to be celiac but repeatedly tested negative for) chronic GERD (somewhat more under control than it was to the point when I am off my meds which worsened the other symptoms) vocal chord dysfunction (previously misdiagnosed as asthma which before that was misdiagnosed as purely anxiety when in fact the reason I was panicking was because I couldn’t breathe) “it’s just anxiety” (which yes I have anxiety, but I’ve realized a LOT of it was being caused by allergies causing a near constant adrenaline response so that was fun. Nice to know I was on sedatives as a teenager because no one bothered to listen to me when I said eating XYZ hurt), hormonal problems (despite my hormones always being “normal”), and last but not least “I mean, it could be fibromyalgia or an autoimmune disease, your symptoms are kind of hard to pin down”. That latter part being a direct quote from a doctor. 

I’ve also had severe issues with my teeth, which since I have switched to a holistic dentist, have largely been resolved. (Still in pain, but every time he does something my health bounces up a notch so it’s a process I’ll be working with him toward fixing over the next few years. He even suspects I might have been getting mercury poisoning from some seriously dangerously over the limit leaking amalgam fillings I got in my early teens. He’s also the only dentist willing to remove my root canal teeth because they’ve never fully healed.)

So. Yea. I have some of my own possible theories that it might be SIBO which many doctors here in the US seem reluctant to even admit is a real thing (my current dr certainly doesn’t and will not test for it despite it being an easy culture test to do) and some possible genetic fuckery/immune system bullshit. Both my parents are extremely ill people with very similar issues, my dad even has an autoimmune disease he doesn’t care enough to even remember the name of so I can’t just narrow the field and test directly for that. Thanks dad.

The difference between me and them is I am actively trying to get a diagnosis and claw some semblance of health/sanity back before I turn into a hermit resigned to dying young. 

A big thing for me seems to be allergies/intolerances which have sprung up in the last few years. (Rice is the first thing doctors recommend for eating “plain” food but it’s actually a huge trigger food for a LOT of people) Eating only organic seems to have helped (suggesting a preservative allergy, which my allergist just kind of said “I believe you, but there’s no reliable test for it so just...don’t eat them”) 

Which is where you find me at now, two years down the rabbit hole of trying to get an accurate diagnosis. As for asking questions, it’s entirely okay to ask questions. I’ve pretty much wound up documenting my chronic health issues because a) it was helping me to keep track of things and then b) my blog got popular due to shenanigans and then a bunch of other people started going “HEY ME TOO” and we’ve created a sort of exhausted support group for each other and also c) the number of people who message me on a daily basis to tell me it helps them to know they are not alone is just...I’ve cried twice today at some of the messages I’ve gotten, and at the time of typing this it’s not even noon. 

I do not mind being public with any of this because gods help me if someone can figure out some small puzzle piece of their life from me falling apart then in some small way it will be worth it. Cause I know what that feeling is like. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Chronic health issues are so incredibly isolating.

So yea...next step I’m off to see a natruopathic/functional medicine doctor (yes I made sure they are licensed physicians and not just crazy hippies) in the hopes that she might have some answers for me, or is at least willing to listen to me, which uh, yeah, the more you refuse to accept suffering to be your way of life, many doctor’s don’t seem to appreciate. I had my GI doctor tell me I shouldn’t google my symptoms and just accept the fact that the meds he prescribed for the chronic GERD would dissolve my intestines which, hahahahah, ha. No. I do not accept that. Not even a little bit.

[operagheist-blog]

PHYSIOLOGICAL CATEGORIES HERE. part 2 of the huge meta, i split this up for everyone’s sanity.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CATEGORIES

LEARNING & MEMORY

learning is defined as the process in which changes in behavior arise as a result of experience interacting with the environment. memory is defined as the record of a person’s past experiences gained through learning. this is literally from my class powerpoint, it’s pretty straightforward. 

ERIK’S MANNERISMS IN RELATIVITY TO CLASSICAL CONDITIONING

what is classical conditioning? i’m sure you guys have heard of pavlov’s dog. classical conditioning involves teaching an organism that one stimulus serves as the predictor for a specific upcoming event. as far as i can recall, there was some sort of experiment by clark hull in terms of classical conditioning where he used his students as subjects & conditioned them to expect pain ( i think he slapped them ) if they were presented with the paired stimulus. i’m not sure if that’s a true story, though. something that IS real is the baby albert experiment, where the subject, a baby named albert, was conditioned to fear things that were white & fluffy. he was presented with a white rat & then the experimenters caused a loud noise that scared the shit out of him. honestly, that was a really awful experiment & it screwed albert up for the rest of his life.  ‘ knight, what the fuck does this even have to do with erik ’ ok so let’s look at his initial reaction to physical contact, ignore motn & ponr for a minute ok. if he’s not the one initiating the contact, don’t fucking touch him, because after the whole ‘ devil’s child ’ experience, he’s likely associating touch with pain, where he expects someone to hurt him if they reach out without him first showing that it’s ok ( see. angel of music ). christine did not fucking help this problem after the unmasking part one. erik also reacts by trying to get rid of something he perceives as a predictive stimulus to which he expects pain, see. the swordfight, immobilising raoul in the final lair scene, the torture chamber scene in the 04 movie etc. i’m also certain there are other external stimuli that cause the same reaction & the issue is that they’re fucking hardwired into his brain because he’s been hurt all his life. associations learned through classical conditioning CAN FADE OVER TIME if the stimulus is presented without the expected response. drug abuse can also be linked to classical conditioning, especially in the issue of relapses that can occur post-rehab. 

ERIK’S MANNERISMS IN RELATIVITY TO OPERANT CONDITIONING

what is operant conditioning & how does it differ from classical conditioning? operant conditioning involves an organism learning about the relationship between a stimulus, a response, & an outcome. unlike classical conditioning, the determining factor in whether or not the outcome occurs is based on whether or not the organism makes a response to a stimulus. the whole point of this section is that erik sure as heck learned what responses would lead to certain outcomes; this could explain the reclusiveness from other people ( if they don’t see him, they can’t hurt him ), the distant interactions if he’s interacting with anyone in poto canon that isn’t christine, mme giry, or the daroga ( if they don’t know him, they can’t use anything against him ), & the mask ( if they can’t see the deformities, they can’t shun him... as much as they could otherwise ). the third point is really more of a learned response to lessen the aversive outcomes, although it can’t necessarily prevent them. 

ERIK’S MANNERISMS IN RELATIVITY TO GENERALISATION OR DISCRIMINATION OF SENSORY STIMULI

ok, generalisation is basically the brain grouping similar stimuli together & assuming an equivalent outcome to one stimulus to the other, even if that’s not the case ( allergies are a really good example, i have an aunt who is allergic to walnuts, but not other types of nuts, another example of food generalisation happens in children, a child who doesn’t like broccoli may assume they won’t like cauliflower either, due to its similar appearance. in the olden days, people avoided i think some sort of berries or whatnot that are widely eaten today because they looked like the poisonous belladonna ). discrimination is the ability to perceive differences between stimuli ( a kid who hates broccoli recognises that cauliflower is different & understands that it might not be so bad ). tldr, important things erik generalises: a sudden approach from another person means i’m going to be hurt, because attempts at contact mean i’ll be hurt. people who are highly intelligent & knowledgeable in many subjects are less likely to discriminate against me, because people who understand medicine deal with similar things, people with medical knowledge must also be well educated in other areas. important things that erik can discriminate against: types of music, that’s pretty obvious — give him music by a known composer & he’ll sure as heck be able to identify it from another similar work by someone else. not all leading sopranos go downhill after five seasons, age is a factor, some singers are better than others, but the level of specific skills may not always be better in the singer deemed overall superior to the other ( carlotta can definitely project more than christine, but since erik trained christine, she’s better at carrying a tune, so on so forth ). not all of mme giry’s girls have the proper poise, some aren’t meant for certain steps or lifts, some have better endurance. honestly this discrimination is fine tuned for the arts, be it visual, performance, literature, & also extends to architectural knowledge. 

PERSONALITY PSYCHOPATHOLOGY + ERIK’S BEHAVIOR FT. PLAUSIBLE DIAGNOSES, ALSO OPIOID ABUSE 

here is a link to the DSM V.

 for elaboration, see DIAGNOSTIC NOTES. applicable traits will be followed by ✔︎ O

obsessive-compulsive personality disorder — diagnostic criteria. 

defined as a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, & mental & interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, & efficiency, beginning by early adulthood & present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by FOUR OR MORE of the following: 1. is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost. 2. shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion ( e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met ). 3. is excessively devoted to work & productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships ( not accounted for by obvious economic necessity ) ✔︎. 4. is overconscientious, scrupulous, & inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values ( not accounted for by cultural or religious identification ) ✔︎. 5. is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value. 6. is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things. ✔︎ 7. adopts a miserly spending style toward both self & others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes. 8. shows rigidity & stubbornness. ✔︎ 

posttraumatic stress disorder — diagnostic criteria. 

posttraumatic stress disorder note: the following criteria apply to adults, adolescents, & children older than 6 years [ for this, i will simply exclude the children under 6 years parts, or other irrelevant to time period notes ].  A. exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in ONE OR MORE of the following ways: 1. directly experiencing the traumatic event(s).✔︎ 2. witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others. 3. learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. in cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent or accidental. 4. experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s). [ ... ] B. presence of ONE OR MORE of the following intrusion symptoms associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred: 1. recurrent, involuntary, & intrusive distressing memories of the traumatic event(s) ✔︎ 2. recurrent distressing dreams in which the content &/or affect of the dream are related to the traumatic event(s). ✔︎ [ ... ] 3. dissociative reactions ( e.g., flashbacks ) in which the individual feels or acts as if the traumatic event(s) were recurring ( such reactions may occur on a continuum, with the most extreme expression being a complete loss of awareness of present surroundings* ) ✔︎. 4. intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s). 5. marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s). ✔︎ C. persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by ONE OR BOTH of the following: 1. avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s) ✔︎. 2. avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders ( people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations ) that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s) ✔︎ D. negative alterations in cognitions & mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by TWO OR MORE of the following: 1. inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) ( typically due to dissociative amnesia & not to other factors such as head injury, alcohol, or drugs ). 2. persistent & exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world ✔︎. 3. persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others ✔︎. 4. persistent negative emotional state ( e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame ) ✔︎ 5. markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities. 6. feelings of detachment or estrangement from others. 7. Persistent inability to experience positive emotions ( e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings ). E. marked alterations in arousal and reactivity associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by TWO OR MORE of the following: 1. irritable behavior & angry outbursts ( with little or no provocation ) typically expressed as verbal or physical aggression toward people or objects ✔︎. 2. reckless or self-destructive behavior ✔︎. 3. hypervigilance ✔︎. 4. exaggerated startle response. 5. problems with concentration. 6. sleep disturbance ( e.g., difficulty falling or staying asleep or restless sleep ) ✔︎. F. duration of the disturbance ( criteria B, C, D, & E ) is more than 1 month. ✔︎ G. the disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning ✔︎. H. the disturbance is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance ( e.g., medication, alcohol ) or another medical condition ✔︎.  specify whether: with dissociative symptoms: the individual’s symptoms meet the criteria for posttraumatic stress disorder, & in addition, in response to the stressor, the individual experiences persistent or recurrent symptoms of EITHER of the following: 1. depersonalization: persistent or recurrent experiences of feeling detached from, & as if one were an outside observer of, one’s mental processes or body ( e.g., feeling as though one were in a dream; feeling a sense of unreality of self or body or of time moving slowly ) ✔︎. 2. dereaiization: persistent or recurrent experiences of unreality of surroundings ( e.g., the world around the individual is experienced as unreal, dreamlike, distant, or distorted ). note: to use this subtype, the dissociative symptoms must not be attributable to the physiological effects of a substance ( e.g., blackouts, behavior during alcohol intoxication) or another medical condition ( e.g., complex partial seizures ). specify if: with delayed expression: if the full diagnostic criteria are not met until at least 6 months after the event ( although the onset and expression of some symptoms may be immediate ). 

opioid use disorder — diagnostic criteria 

A. a problematic pattern of opioid use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by AT LEAST TWO of the following, occurring within a 12-month period: 1. opioids are often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended. ✔︎ 2. there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control opioid use. 3. a great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the opioid, use the opioid, or recover from its effects ✔︎. 4. craving, or a strong desire or urge to use opioids ✔︎. 5. recurrent opioid use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home. 6. continued opioid use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of opioids. 7. important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of opioid use. 8. recurrent opioid use in situations in which it is physically hazardous ✔︎. 9. continued opioid use despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance ✔︎. 10. tolerance, as defined by EITHER of the following: a. a need for markedly increased amounts of opioids to achieve intoxication or desired effect ✔︎. b. a markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of an opioid ✔︎. note: this criterion is not considered to be met for those taking opioids solely under appropriate medical supervision. 11. withdrawal*, as manifested by EITHER of the following: a. the characteristic opioid withdrawal syndrome — [  presence of EITHER of the following; 1. cessation of ( or reduction in ) opioid use that has been heavy & prolonged ( i.e., several weeks or longer ) ✔︎. 2. administration of an opioid antagonist after a period of opioid use. B. THREE OR MORE of the following developing within minutes to several days after criterion a : 1. dysphoric mood ✔︎. 2. nausea ✔︎ or vomiting. 3. muscle aches ✔︎. 4. lacrimation or rhinorrhea. 5. pupillary dilation, piloerection, or sweating. 6. diarrhea. 7. yawning. 8. fever ✔︎. 9. insomnia ✔︎. C. The signs or symptoms in criterion B cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning ✔︎. D. the signs or symptoms are not attributable to another medical condition and are not better explained by another mental disorder, including intoxication or withdrawal from another substance ✔︎ ] b. opioids ( or a closely related substance ) are taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms ✔︎. note: this criterion is not considered to be met for those individuals taking opioids solely under appropriate medical supervision. 

DIAGNOSTIC NOTES. i could have put more things here, but this is really getting long. with all of that, erik’s a mess ngl. 

crappy college psych major attempt at diagnostic conclusion? OCD, PTSD with dissociative symptoms & a severe case of opioid addiction. 

there were going to be more sections here, but i actually covered everything that i needed to ( as far as i know ). some specifics for the opiate withdrawal; these obviously pertain to when he’s not using opiates, whether it’s because he doesn’t have them, or due to a desire to alleviate concern in others ( especially any loved ones he gains ).  

i am  so so sorry for how long this is. if you got thru this, bravo & i love you for doing so.

[skywarper]

okay heres that post i promised

heres a real life account of what “violent alters” in DID systems are actually like, their purpose and the psychological aspects behind them so you can perhaps understand them better, whether for your own system needs or so you can better represent DID in your fiction

note: information is taken both from my experience, experiences of others (both people i know and people i dont, from various walks of life) and general psychology. ofc this info isnt true for everyone but is generally helpful in my experience helping them

also this post might be a little roundabout because tfw language disabilities but bear with me

okay so to begin with, “violent alters” as most people know them are more commonly referred to as persecutors in DID terminology so thats the term ill be using for the rest of this post

i should explain the understanding of DID i’ll be writing this post under. dissociative identity disorder, or DID, is a dissociative mental disorder centered around the ‘splitting’ of one individual into two or more (usually more) ‘parts’ or ‘alters’. DID is almost always a response to trauma, generally during childhood, and is a coping method, if rather extreme at times, for a person who’s undergone trauma to be able to continue life normally by offloading responsibilities and traumatic experiences onto other people. alters in a ‘system’ (the collective term for a set of alters in one headspace), while their own identities and people, are psychologically several parts of a whole. for this reason, no alter is truly independent  of one another, and this info is important for the discussion of persecutor alters

a persecutor alter, is an alter who often takes the form of something monstrous or scary to their host (the ‘default’, day-to-day alter in a system). they represent something a host does not want to face, whether it be self insecurity, trauma, anger issues, or any number of things. they come across as rude, dangerous, even violent. many will attempt to kill/hurt their hosts or other alters in a system during their ‘active period’ (we will call it that). 

it’s not actually common for persecutors to harm people outside the system unless those people directly provoke them, they are preoccupied with their duties in system and often could care less about outside people. they are more dangerous to their hosts than they will ever be to you, some persecutors will even be docile to outsiders while still being violent to their hosts

however, persecutor alters are just as important to their hosts as protectors, caretakers, littles, etc. some persecutors are even protectors in their own right. they have something they want or need to tell the host, and for whatever reason, the only way they know how to get their host’s attention is by acting out violently and putting them and others at risk. it is often true that the more you ignore or think badly of a persecutor, the more violent they will get. they NEED to be noticed, they NEED the validation of their host and for their host to listen to the message they have for them

they are people just like any other alter, and they respond to understanding and being listened to and validated, even if they dont know exactly what is the appropriate response

real life account time. one of my ex-persecutors, named Mars, split when i was around 13-14. i was currently suffering institutional abuse on account of my autism diagnosis. i was adjusting to the confirmation while at the same time being belittled and treated like an object by the adults around me for this knowledge. i was also being abused by my mother for this specific thing. i sufferred a lot of meltdowns and fucked up my social interactions a lot, i was confused and angry. Mars started to come around during my meltdowns, and he would parrot what i was thinking about myself but didn’t want to admit. he was belittling me, calling me words i couldn’t stand to face such as the r-slur, and any number of things. this was, in fact , how i thought of myself but on account of being multiple, it was offloaded onto Mars so i could face it. it’s easier to face these things when they don’t present as yourself

as the years went by i started to adjust, i broke free of the abusive situations, i found support groups and friends with autism and came to better understand myself and my symptoms and how to continue with my teenage life. after a few attempts to kill me and then some other alters, i finally faced Mars and told him i wasn’t scared of him. i’m autistic, i’m proud, and nothing he or anyone else ever said to me was going to change it. he ‘mellowed out’ after that, since his mission was complete and i had faced the fears which he represented. 

now at this point, persecutor alters will either integrate (where they ‘reverse’ the splitting process and fuse back with the member they split from, usually the host) OR they will become an ex-persecutor, and move onto a different role. often a protector, or even a host. they tend to keep their rude, sometimes apathetic attitudes but with their concern for their host channeled into something not so violent. Mars is currently a sort of protector/defender hybrid who will take control if things get SERIOUSLY dire, because he has no concern for anything outside the system and it can’t get past him. he has some friends in system and though he doesn’t show his face as much as he used to, he’s welcome whenever he does now that he’s mellow/docile

a lot of persecutors express frustration that they are misunderstood, it’s not their fault that all they know is anger and violence, they are made that way, so to speak. representing persecutors as being violent killing machines in fiction often serves to fuel their anger, causing more damage to their hosts at times. in a sort of “if thats what they think of me, that’s what ill be” kind of way. but behind the violence they are just as valid as any alter, and have something very very important to teach the host, they are not to be ignored and not to be demonized, it never ever helps when dealing with them 

of course, it’s completely valid for a host to hate and be hurt by their persecutors, often is the point. but if you are an outsider, it’s often not helpful and can worsen the situation, and strengthen tension between a host and their persecutor. ESPECIALLY any sort of “i hate you for taking (host) away” sentiment. lowkey its really annoying dont do that

so for those who have persecutors and are trying to deal, keep yourself safe and keep your protectors close by, but try to talk to your persecutors, try to understand where theyre coming from, potentially let them front with supervision to see if they can express their message through art, music, writing, or their actions. they are trying to help you even if they’re doing it in a very unorthodox way

for those who’s friends and loved ones have persecutors and you want to help, honestly follow the same advice above. sometimes persecutors will threaten to harm the host to get a rise out of you, unless you believe the host to be in serious danger, try not to respond in any meaningful way. sometimes persecutors will mellow out if they have someone to talk to, their hosts rarely understand them and you can potentially be a mediator to help the process go faster and benefit them both

if you are a singlet (that’s someone without a system) writing DID into fiction, or writing DID headcanons, great! hopefully this sort of rambling of information can help you better understand persecutors and what they represent and how they behave, so we can see less and less “OO SCARY VIOLENT PERSECUTOR MURDERING EVERYONE OOOO!” shit like split and everything. positive DID representation is very important, even that including persecutors. systems require every single alter to run smoothly, including persecutors, and they are just as important as any other

thank you for reading if you did and if anything needs clarification let me know. obviously this is very emotion based, theres no way it couldnt be, but i have handled several persecutors in my own system, mellowed out persecutors in my close friends’ systems, and read up and studied a lot on real life accounts of them besides my own. i dont believe in “bad” alters, i believe in misguided alters