#I have survived all these months of Covid times to the point I've just started uni again haha

[void-of-unparalled-chaos]

Twice now I have tried to make a reblog reply about Walter and twice now Tumblr has eaten it. So let's try it this way @chaos-bringer-13

Allow me to take you back to the ✨QUARANTINE DAYS✨ and tell you the tale of a pumpkin that may or may not have housed a god

So back in good old 2020/21 we are in the thrall of the COVID-19 pandemic. My state in particular had super heavy quarantine restrictions, and as someone with lung issues, my mom and myself were not taking any chances. I haven't left my house in maybe 5 months. Nor have I seen any of my friends outside of video calls. Senior year of High School so far has sucked.

I'm talking to my friend, we'll call her Marie, and I mention off hand "Yeah I'm starting to feel a bit lonely." Now Marie has known me for a solid 8 years at this point. She knows my type of humor and attachment to what we would now and days call "skrungly" objects. She decides "hmm. I can fix this!"

Marie's mom (who was... certainly a human being) for some god forsaken reason decided to buy a white pumpkin and give it to Marie with the idea that she would harvest the seeds from it and plant them in the garden (why she did this instead of just buying pumpkin seeds I will never know). Instead of doing this, Marie takes this pumpkin and draws a realistic face on it that can only be described as similar to the handsome squidward meme. She drives to my house, sets the pumpkin on my doorstep with a note, and then FUCKING BOOKS IT.

I open the door to see this pumpkin with a note that reads "Hello Momther, I am Walter."

(Not the best photo but this is in fact Walter sitting in the dark in my front yard while Marie (not pictured) stands on my driveway holding a single candle and chanting).

Anyway immediately I take him inside completely smitten and unknowing as to what this pumpkin will create.

At this point of quarantine, we have gone back to classes but they are completely online. I decide that the best thing I could possibly do with Walter is set him on a stack of notebooks behind me so that when I turn my camera on he would be there... watching. Notably, one guy who never unmuted himself did so just long enough to ask "Void... what the fuck is that."

Needless to say I got endless entertainment from the reactions, but all good things have to come to an end. Unfortunately, I live in a desert and pumpkins simply don't survive. They typically would rot within a few days where I was living at the time, so my Mom told me to move it outside at least. I decide to put him by the front door. This front door has a little half wall that leads up to it. I put him on top of it facing the walkway so whenever a package is delivered the mailman would be faced with Walter and have to make eye contact before leaving the mail. I figure I'll probably get a couple more days out of him before he rots.

This is where it starts to get weird

Another week passes. Two. Unlike every single pumpkin I've ever had for Halloween, Walter shows no signs of rotting despite being exposed to the elements. The pumpkin is at this point about a month and a half old and still perfectly fine. Marie, our friends, and I all kind of laugh it off as a random one time thing and expect it to rot within another week.

IT. FUCKING. DOESN'T.

4 months into having Walter and he is still as good as new. Around this time the vaccines for covid started rolling out, so my friends and I get to see each other again. They are just as baffled as me about Walter. Of course, us being us, we have been referring to Walter like an actual person this whole time because that's just our humor. We give him little head pats and forehead rubs as we enter or leave my house and say hello/goodbye to him.

Also around this time, my mom and myself are beginning to prep for moving to another state. We have also started doing some in person classes again. I had been cleaning out my room one morning, and just so happened to leave a piece of sea glass in front of Walter as I left for school. I had a strangely good day. Managed to get an A on a test if I remember right. I come home, see the glass in front of the pumpkin, and start thinking. The next day I leave him something else. Another good luck day! I try this again and every single time I leave him an offering something good happens! I tell my friends about it and they start doing it too and experiencing the same results. We decide that he must be some god of luck inhabiting this pumpkin vessel and rewinding time on it to keep it from rotting.

At some point someone gave him an orange and I swear to god the pumpkin started getting orange marks on its forehead. He still wasn't rotting though! We decided that he obviously has been absorbing the power from the offerings.

Around this time I realise the I have somehow created a partially serious cult and decide I might as well lean into it. I actually enlisted the help of the neighbor kids to take this photo.

Time passes. Walter is about 10 months old now and still going strong. We have graduated highschool and I'm going to be moving in a week. I can't take Walter with me, so Marie decides she will take him. But first, she is going to help us move. It's a 6 hour drive. We put Walter in the passenger seat window so that all the cars passing us can see him.

After she helps us, Marie and Walter continue on to yet another state where Marie will be attending university. Walter is almost if not a year old when he finally starts to rot. Marie, in her dorm room mind you, makes a plaster cast of his head and redraws his face on it. To this day Walter hangs in his new, more durable vessel, guarding her spice cabinet.

By the end of Walter's reign, he had reached his 1st birthday, scared who knows how many mailmen, met 3 of my teachers in person, visited 3 USA states, and briefly had an instagram account.

[press-f1-to-grieve]

Liam telling stories about him and Yuki on the Red Flags Podcast

Source: Red Flags Podcast - WE INTERVIEWED F1'S LIAM LAWSON!!! (edited down and transcribed by @press-f1-to-grieve)

to @2bluetwo85: i read your tags from that yuki and liam post. thank you for letting me know this exists (and for reading my long tags). i hope i got the right podcast you were talking about.

---

full transcription underneath beware, it's long. and i'm not familiar with the podcast (my newbie is showing) so i'm not sure which voice belongs to who. please excuse me if i got them mixed up. i listened to the episode on a podcast app and only found out they have a youtube channel later, after i had already finished everything bar hit the "post" button. the visual would have helped greatly with knowing who's speaking but alas...

---

Matt: Ye so, I wanna talk about another teammate of yours, Yuki Tsunoda. So we've read that you and Yuki go back. He lived with your parents in New Zealand?

Brian: (laughs) No! He didn't live- He didn't live with- Liam: He came to- So this is a series called the "Toyota Racing Series" in New Zealand, used to be like, really really big, especially before Covid. And basically we were both competing in it as teammates, and so he came to New Zealand. And we've been teammates a year before that in F3 and Euro Formula, so I've spent a lot of time with him already. So when he came to New Zealand, he basically just hung out with us. A lot. Like, I basically just drive around with him. Matt: So like step-brothers a little bit? Liam: Honestly, ye. (laughs)

Matt: What was your favorite thing to do with him, growing up?

Liam: It was always away from the track. Cause away from the track, he's a really funny, genuine dude. So, obviously, it's harder. When you are competing, with Yuki, (...) competing for the same seat. So, it's like, at the track, it's real intense. And then, away from that, it's real cool.

Matt: How're you able to maintain a friendship when it's just like, you know, blood sport out there for these few seats?

Liam: At points, over the year, (stammers) you know, it's not a friendship. And then he- Like, obviously, his journey was pushed a lot earlier than mine. He went to F1 quite early so, then I was- I wasn't really in competition with him anymore so- Matt: Right. Does that help your friendship? Liam: Then we are like, pretty chill again. And then we are put in competition again.

---

Brian: I think in one of the earlier seasons of Drive to Survive, you were in his room, and his room was like, all messy, and he was annoyed that they put it in.

Matt: Did you catch him on a bad day or is that just is? Brian: Is his room just a mess always? Liam: That's literally- I don't know now. Oh actually, I went to his house recently and it was a lot better. Both Hosts: (relieved) Okay! Liam: He has improved. (stammers) I remember, well, it wasn't really- (vocally winces) It was fierce because you shouldn't live like that anyway. BUT!- Both Hosts: (crying laughing emojis in audio form) Liam: But I remember, he had just moved into this apartment at the start of, I think it was the start of that year, and I- Oh no, it was the year before! But same thing, Covid, here, basically. I went to New Zealand because I was about to be locked out of the country. There was no racing. And Yuki stayed, in Milton Keynes for months. Just on (his own), he didn't go back to Japan. Like he just stayed in this apartment. Brian: Like Cast Away Liam: But I had to move into this brand new apartment and it was sick! And I went to New Zealand and I came back 3 months later. Matt: He has got a beard. Liam: And I walked into this place and it was just like DUUDE. It was bad, like it was real bad. Brian: (hums of understanding) Like takeouts and- (all three make noises of agreement) Liam: It was just food everywhere. Like, the laundry basket was just like, overflowing. Matt: Yuki was basically all of us during Covid. Brian: (enthusiastic YE's)

---

Matt: So, what are you most competitive with Yuki off the track? Like what do you guys like to-

Liam: Awe, dude, everything. Both Hosts: Ye? Liam: No, like, everything. We're like- At the moment, we've been playing table tennis. Just little disc. Matt: Oh you'll just make- Liam: M-make one! Ye, just make it. (...) not a proper one. Matt: Who is up? Liam: He plays a lot more, to be fair, but- Matt: So he crushes you. Liam: (cute babbles) No no- Both Hosts: (laugh) Liam: So, we played in Japan. I think I had him in Japan. And then we played last week and he beat me. Matt: You don't keep a serious tally? Are you better on certain surfaces? Like if it's a dinner table, you got him. Liam: On a smaller table, I have him. But on a slightly bigger table- Like depends on what table we get during race weekend.

---

Liam: But one thing with Yuki that was real funny that we did back when we were in New Zealand.

Liam: I don't know how this is a thing but you can rent a boat, at like 15 or 16 years old. And just take it out, to Lake Taupo. And so me and Yuki were like- I was probably 17 or 18 and he was like 19 or 20, and we just rented this boat, and got like, you know, biscuit, or tube? What do you call them? (...) And we just took it out and basically- It started off like real fun. Like we were just towing each other around. But then it just got like, who could throw the other person off like, the biggest. We just like, tried to kill each other on this little tube, in the middle of this lake. Matt: Just the two of you? Liam: Just the two of us. Just out there in the middle of a lake. Brian: Just the two of you tried to kill each other. Matt: It's like a fucking thriller. Liam: Honestly! I've got videos of like, him and me, like, in the air. Like, meters in the air. Matt: Who won or lost that game? Brian: "We both lost that game." Liam: Actually, I lost pretty hard on that one, to be fair. Matt: He threw you- Liam: I went off like, big time, ye. Brian: It seems like, that's the common experience of tubing, is that. It's like, it's fun and then you're like, am I gonna die? (...)

Matt: So Yuki was a master at flinging you?

Liam: Well, he would like- Sometimes I feel like it's on accident. He would like, get a lot of slack and it will just build up real fast- Both Hosts: Sure, he said it was on accident.

---

Liam: We're drivers. Everything turns into a competition.

Liam: We had a rental car, again in New Zealand with Yuki, that we like, basically would like, make a little track and just set time trials off the side of the road. Matt: Like with a Camry or something? Liam: No, Yuki had this little Mitsubishi ASX. I don't know if you know what it is, it's like a boxed car. And we, with like a couple of drivers, basically made like, a little track, and, basically goes until somebody- until Yuki crashed it. (...) The funniest thing, it wasn't even in the- He had finished his lap. It was afterward, he tried to be cool and do like a flick spin, and just totally sent it into a bank. We had to go to a store to get one of those plungers to try and plunge out the dent in the front of the- Because we had to get the car back. Brian: Right, of course. Matt: Renters insurance, man. If I see you or Yuki walk into an enterprise or something, I'll just like, go somewhere else.

[cryptidsurveys]

Wednesday, August 21st, 2024.

What was the last gift you received? I believe it was an assortment of Easter chocolates from my mom.

Ten years ago, who was your best friend? Are you still best friends now? Oliver, and yes, we're still best friends.

What are some of your comfort foods? My comfort foods greatly overlap with my "safe foods," so things like oatmeal, yogurt bowls, mixed veggies with sriracha sauce, and giant salads.

What’s something that’s very popular, that you have no interest in? Superhero movies. <- Same. In general, I feel like I'm out of the loop when it comes to popular things. Even niche popular things, tbh. I will occasionally catch a reference, but that's about it. I very much have my own little realm of interests.

What’s something that many people would consider to be lame, but you don’t? I don't think many people would consider these things lame, but maybe they just aren't as interested in them as I am. Subjects such as history, philosophy, religion, outer space, sci-fi, conspiracies, etc.

Have you ever lost your house key? I probably have at some point.

How would you describe your clothing style? Dangerously bordering on pajamas. ;D

The last time you were in a line, what were you waiting for? Snacks at the movie theater.

What’s your favorite city in your own country? I'm not much of a city person (I much prefer woodsy, rural, mountainous areas), but as far as places I've visited, San Francisco.

What’s your favorite city in another country? I've never been to another country before, but I could actually see myself enjoying a trip to Tokyo, Japan. For some reason, that city just feels…different.

Are there any very common foods/drinks that you pretty much never consume? Soda, plain milk, seafood, hot dogs, sushi…

What kind of device are you taking this survey on? A desktop computer.

What’s the most expensive thing you own? My car.

When was the last time you had a package delivered, and what was it? I think it was some solar-powered string lights. I've been meaning to hang them up around the window in my bedroom; I've just been too lazy or distracted to bother.

Do you typically respond to text messages right away? Not unless they require an immediate response (such as being called in to the shelter). Otherwise, I have a tendency to procrastinate.

What has been the highlight of this past month? Animal shelter stuff, the kitten saga (I don't know if I've mentioned it here yet, but we found his home! <3), going to a movie with my mom, and all the rain we've been getting.

Has anyone ever assumed you were flirting with them, when you weren’t? I guess it's possible.

What types of stores do you enjoy browsing? Walmart, Big Lots, thrift stores, Barnes & Noble…basically anywhere with books or inexpensive home goods/clothing.

Did your parents spoil you when you were a kid? We were comfortably middle class, but I wouldn't say I was spoiled.

Would you rather watch a movie in the theater, or at home? I've actually been enjoying watching them in theaters these days.

What were you doing one hour ago? I was in therapy.

Have you ever used public transportation to get to work? I haven't.

What do you miss the most from before Covid times? This isn't specifically related to Covid, but I do miss when things weren't so tense and divisive.

What has been the best thing to happen to you in the past year? I've said it so many times now that I'm even starting to annoy myself. ;D

Who do you have listed as emergency contacts in your phone? I don't have anyone listed as an emergency contact. But the only people I have programmed in there at all are my mom and dad, so hopefully someone will get the picture.

Are you prone to jealousy? Less so than in the past, but still to some degree. I think I'm just better at recognizing it now and reacting appropriately.

How did you get through the lowest point in your life? I just…survived, I guess. Like literally - that's it. I dearly wished for death, but my body simply refused to give up. But life doesn't stay static forever, so things eventually improved enough to allow for more than mere survival.

Have you ever been someone’s first love? Yeah.

Have you ever played frisbee golf? Yeah.

What is your favorite silly, feel-good movie? I don't have one.

How old were you when you got your first gaming console, and what kind was it? I think my parents already had the original Nintendo when I was born, so I'll go with the N64, which I think we got for Xmas when I was around 6-7?

Who in your family has the coolest job? My parents are both retired. Last I knew, my sibling wasn't working. I guess I'm the only one who is sort of working, even if it is on a volunteer basis. I think working at an animal shelter is pretty darn cool, though, not gonna lie.

Is cereal technically a soup? I saw somewhere that a vanilla soy latte is basically a three bean soup. ;D

Have you found your first gray hairs yet. Yeah.

What is something that drains your energy really quickly? Negative social interactions (when people are really angry, grumpy, etc). On the flipside, positive social interactions can supercharge me.

Did you parents teach you how to make a budget before you moved out on your own? I haven't moved out on my own yet.

What is your favorite food to put gravy on? Mashed potatoes, turkey, stuffing…basically, a classic Thanksgiving dinner.

Do you know anyone from Canada? No.

What’s your opinion on astrology? Love any opportunity to blame some bullshit on """the stars""".

Do you use TikTok? No.

What do you have going on the rest of the day? I'm going to make some art after this, then have lunch, then housecleaning, then…idk, we'll see how this headache is holding up by then.

[rindemption]

So, I'm not sure how many people are still around from 2-3 years ago when I first talked about it, but I had some (for me) significant health changes a few summers ago that, while greatly improving, are apparently still affecting me

I was in a high stress/ high energy output job for a while. Nearly 10 years, and the longer I was there the worse it got. From a promotion that changed my job expectations to post-covid understaffing. Over the course of one summer I lost a significant amount of weight for the size I already was. It was just under 10% of my total weight, and put a lot of strain on my body. I lost muscle mass as well, because I ran out of fat to lose. On top of physical stress, I was under a lot of mental stress as well, and situations at home and among my social group left me in a very negative headspace that in no way helped my situation. When I'm depressed and stressed out, I have no appetite.

I had to make changes to my diet that, while not ultimately healthy, ensured I wasn't at a calorie deficit. It was a horrible cycle: I would come home from work with no energy to cook, which meant I wasn't getting the nutrients to give my body energy. So I'd resort to quick, high calorie, ready made meals, that in the long run resulted in vitamin deficiencies instead.

And the physical state affects the psychological state, so mentally I was a mess. My two main creative outputs at the time were writing and virtual photography. Looking back, my writing style was inconsistent, messy, and the tone of it was all over depending on my current mood. I didn't have the mental energy to draw, but I could get excited about and do vp. But even that was only to the point of "good-enough". I could never focus long enough or put the energy in to get it to the standards I wanted.

I'm in a much better place now, but I can still feel the shockwaves of the toll all of that took on me. I left that job a few months ago, and thanks to my spouse's support I'm putting weight back on. But I still feel like a train wreck. I lose words- even just writing this I've had to stop multiple times to try to figure out what word I was about to write. I'm doing low impact workouts to try to put functional muscle mass back on, and my balance is completely shot. I'm doing stabilizing workouts meant for the elderly and struggling. I'm not even 30 yet. I started drawing again, but I get fatigued quickly and take a day-long break between doing any significant art. And I still struggle to focus long enough to get the game pictures I really want, but it's slowly getting better.

I guess the point of writing this is three things. Firstly, an update for anyone who was around back at the beginning, when I mentioned my struggles. Secondly, if anyone else is dealing with something similar, or finally getting out of a stressful situation: you're not alone. It's hard, long work, but we'll get better with time and persistence. And thirdly, if it seems like I'm changing it's because I am. I'm not in survival mode like I was before, I'm slowly patching up my mental state, slowly getting better. I'm figuring out who I am when I'm not struggling just to stay alive. But I feel like I'm changing for the better.

[hideandseaking]

I don’t know if it would help but I’m here to say that Im genuinely very sorry about what happened AND to distract you while getting some information for myself ♡

Its about ptcg

How did you start playing? How was your first tournament? What do you enjoy most about playing?

I have a ton more questions so let me know if you’re chill with me asking more

have a very good day!!!

LMAO well thank you for the kind regards it really does help. I'll survive and get over it but man it does sting!!

I started playing ptcg is a little complicated because I had a lot of false starts 😂 when I was 11, I saw this dual starter deck box set with a VHS that taught you how to play and I begged my dad to get it for me. I wanted to play and checked the event locator and the nearest place was over an hour away and my parents said no and since neither my brother nor no one at school wanted to play I kinda just knew how to play with no outlet. Made random (and very bad) decks until I was 17 and that's when PTCGO came out and I started to play then. I didn't really grasp how nuanced and competitive the game could get until I caught the 2013 world championship stream by happenstance and I was hooked into playing since!

I didn't get a local scene until this last year though which is surprising but not really because the one comic and card store that's been around for decades hates the ptcg scene and then I went to law school and had to study for the bar exam and then covid hit so I was at a financial and time burden on playing locals until early 2023 when a local shop opened up for sanctioned tournaments

My first tournament then was a scarlet and violet prerelease in March 2023 and my now-ex encouraged me to go cause she knew how much I loved playing and how I wanted to try to play competitively someday so I went even though I knew no one and was so nervous.... and I won the prerelease which was a really cool confidence boost! I proceeded to play constantly in 2023 and now I have 258 championship points just from locals and 20 from Pittsburgh regionals for a top 512 placement 😭😂 So I've only been playing competitively for this year but I have many years of online playing experience

What I love most about playing ptcg is such a crazy question cause I love pretty much all of it 🤔 Like I love the ptcg community because they're all so friendly and encouraging and some of my closest friends have come from my local scene. I love the game because when you hit the right stuff during a sequence and get a crazy play off you feel like the coolest person ever 😂 I love the competitive scene because you can see your progress even after just a few months and it's so rewarding since the skill ceiling is so high

Feel free to ask questions!! I'll do my best to answer them but my social battery is a little low with everything going on!!

[des8pudels8kern]

I've survived the week!

Physically, I'm still a mess, and, yes, okay, I was definitely pushing myself. Not a day went by that not at least one person told me I looked like I wasn't well enough to work yet and I did in fact leave work early twice (on the upside, I looked so pitiful that a commute acquaintance told me he was taking the car into work the next day and would I like him to pick me up at home and drive me to work).

I came back to so much work piled up, since there are things no one else but me has the authority to do, and the first two days I was mostly running on adrenaline, and the need to not let people down, I think. But I'm starting to make progress on my to-do list, which is reassuring. And it's been so good to be among people again. I've missed my team, I've missed my work acquaintances, and, you know, not just sitting around all day overthinking and working myself into a state.

So, mentally... I'm getting there. I've already been stressed - September is very hectic at work, and I'm in a new position that I'm very scio nescio and ergo feeling insecure in at the moment and likely for months to come - and Covid with its physical symptoms and limitations triggered my deep-rooted anxiety that I'm not good enough and will only disappoint people. I've had this anxiety for as long as I can remember, and I have taken charge of it, gone to therapy, learned how to minimize and manage it. It's like a chronic condition that's mostly dormant these days, but sometimes something happens and there are flare-ups. I know what to watch out for, I know how to take care of myself, and I'm working on getting back to normal. Slowly, due to my still having to recuperate and thus not being able to e.g. exercise or meet friends for now, but I'm working on it.

Plus, yesterday, after a meeting, my boss made a point to tell me how happy they are that I got the job and it's a credit to me how well my team is doing. This has been a balm on my anxiety. A week ago, I knew, logically, that this current state of feeling insecure was triggered by outside factors and that, generally, I'm doing okay and am just having a tough time right now due to circumstances. Now, I'm beginning to feel it.

And now, you may enjoy some excessive reblogging from my dash and collected drafts.

[lesbianslovebts]

I am trying my damned hardest to cope right now, but I have to get some anger out first. I hate being disabled. I hate living in a house full of disabled people. I hate surviving instead of living.

I am autistic. I have anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I am an abuse survivor. Trying over 5 different antidepressants and going on birth control for menorrhagia and dysmenorrhea made me gain over 100 pounds between ages 12 and 15. I am immunocompromised. I get a sinus infection that lasts for 4-8 weeks every year. When I was younger, I had bone removed from my face because of chronic sinusitis. They had to put me on one antibiotic after another as a kid. The pediatric ones stopped working, so I ended up on adult antibiotics despite the risk for joint damage. I even had a PICC line put in when I was 8 to pump antibiotics right into my heart. I've had multiple cauterizations to stop severe nosebleeds. One time, the bleeding was so bad that trying to stop it from coming out my nose made it come out my mouth and eyes instead, and my eardrums almost ruptured. When I had Covid-19 in 2021, it lasted for 3 months. I developed seasonal allergies just this year. I have chronic migraine, which at this point is more than half the days in a week. I have GERD and IBS. Insomnia, sleep apnea, and restless leg syndrome. I no longer have tonsils, adenoids, or a gallbladder. I have chronic muscle pain.

My gramma has lived with us since I was 5. She smoked for 50 years and has had a heart attack, strokes, triple bypass surgery, stents, blood transfusions, aneurysm, COPD, staph infections, inch-deep craters in her leg, sepsis, amputation, type 2 diabetes, no teeth, celiac disease, glaucoma, sleep apnea, and countless episodes of heart failure and fluid in her lungs. We think dementia is coming next. She almost burned the house down a while back. Not to mention anxiety, depression, obsessions, and so on.

My mom has chronic vestibular migraine, narcolepsy, sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, anxiety, depression, type 2 diabetes, arthritis, IBS, GERD, and recently started bleeding out her ass, which could be simple hemorrhoids or colon cancer. 🙃

My dad was an abusive alcoholic, so I cut him off. He is autistic and has Dupuytren's contracture so severe that he can't open his hands and can barely use his thumbs and index fingers, horrible allergies, PTSD, anxiety, depression, and addiction, obviously.

My brother is a type 1 diabetic with a phobia of low blood sugars, which means he purposefully avoided taking the appropriate amount of insulin since he was a teenager. Combined with a diabetic-specific eating disorder, his A1C has been regularly over twice what it should be for over a decade, which has led to the following: diabetic retinopathy and cataracts, complete kidney failure (on dialysis), neuropathy in his legs and feet, no teeth, chronic pain, chronic fluid buildup, and malnutrition. Not to mention Dupuytren's contracture, ADHD, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and addiction.

And it may be silly to count my pets in with the people, but my dog and two cats are all 17. I've had them since I was 10. The dog has a severe heart murmur, is deaf, and takes several meds, but she's still happy, does brief zoomies once a day after a good shit, and lives to eat. Both cats are arthritic, which is to be expected of such old ladies. One has a sore on her chin that won't heal, and I'm about to spend $1k on her to see if it's solvable or time to make decisions. 🙃

Every single one of us in this house, animals included, are disabled. My mom and I worked so hard to make this a safe, clean space for us after moving out of the filthy, broken house we were in for 15 years, where we all suffered trauma. But ever since my mom let my brother move in due to his health issues, the house has gone to shit. I am the only one who cleans, and I just can't keep up with it. The only safe, clean space for me is my own room, where I imprison myself to survive.

All this, and I still haven't committed suicide because I am dying to live a better life. I have worked too fucking hard to get here. I remind myself of this, of the progress I've made, of my accomplishments, of what I want to see and learn and do, of what and whom I love. But Dear God, I am praying for a break, for some rest, for some peace, for all of us.

[kidmachinate]

Count The Losses

Credit above to By Lainey Molnar:

https://www.facebook.com/share/GqwjUgp5nBeqH6sn/?mibextid=qi2Omg

***************************************************

Since mid last year, it's been a constant struggle and survival has become a lifestyle more so than ever. There have been some bright spots along the way but the everlasting need to make things work is truly taking its toll on my mental state of being. Since mid last year, all of the following has taken place:

- kicked out an ex-roommate that quickly showed they never truly appreciated where they at to begin with due to their refusal to do basic tasks and hold a job for very long

- helped financially during a job rut my partner was going through

- got unwillingly terminated from a job after a few months due to a shift in roles and management around the time of my birthday last year

- left one other role due to lack of pay/commissions to pay the bills and toxic micromanagement

- got in with a startup company for the owner to then leave everyone without a job three months later due to their shitty management of money which screwed over not one but two companies worth of people due to his negligence

- Just before finding yet another role, helped with another job rut my partner was going through

- Lined up yet another role in which I start Monday, because the last one mentioned ending up not being a good fit among other details I won't get into until all is said and done. I left on good terms but we will have to wait and see if that truly ends up being the case.

Among everything here, I've had to dig into the entirety of my crypto stash which I believe was somewhere between 9k-11k worth of earnings at the time. The small positions I still have now are crumbs not worth mentioning. I did this bit by bit to be what I'd say would be 80% responsible, 20% pleasure. In between in all, at various points, I convinced myself life would get better. I still have to do that. I wanted to be sure we could live a little amongst all the chaos. I suppose this is the getting it all out post I had mentioned to some a while back. Taking note of the losses to be able to move forward. When tallying losses, it's important to remember the victories as well.

- The first half of South Florida Fair

-Nier Automata Concert

- Two visits from my partner's daughter, Ashley

- Varied friend gatherings and nights out

I have about four days to recharge before it is right back to the workforce and I'm beside myself. I know I did the right thing for my mental health but in the process of doing this, mental health takes a hit anyway because of needing to make ends meet. Bouncing between four jobs myself and surviving through my partner's two job ruts (months at a time) to support the household...maybe I should be happy I'm still here. Happy I have any savings or investments left to speak of, even if far from what is considered a safe nestegg for one and for the other an account I haven't been able to grow for a long time. There are also losses that date back to COVID times (that I did not list) in which many of us took a hit. I'm sure I'm not the only one in which we still haven't fully recovered, and things like inflation and turbulent job markets seem to be the new norm. It's fucking exhausting out there.

Intimacy means many different things nowadays and posts are being made about it. Simply speaking, if it makes you happy, chase that. I imagine many are tired of being resilient in their own lives. Survival. Working for people that very likely don't appreciate you to pay the bills and maybe cram in time with people that do appreciate you. Connection matters so much more now than ever. If you don't have that going for you through various outlets, what are we even doing here?

I'm trying to get myself back in a state in which connections I have are enhanced or even embracing new connections with those who treat people as human with real feelings and real needs. Understand that it is not just our individual struggles but struggles together, and we can bounce back and get through this. Have the hard conversations to be able to enjoy a good life. Have less time for, or ditch entirely, those not willing to grow. Stagnancy sucks because at various points you're gonna be stuck with some form of it. You're embracing the grind and not much changes as it takes time to grow. Celebrate that growth. Smile and laugh more. Know your tribe.

I think the world would go a long way if we can be grounded in realism instead of pessimism or optimism. Too far in either direction is bad. No one wants to be around a downer all the time just as much as someone doesn't want to be around a person that in all sunshine and rainbows to the point where you pretend life is perfect and will be at all times.

I'm not the only one on this journey. Far from it. While I'm craving growth and creative outlets because it builds upon your lifestyle, which eventually translates to a happy home. What feels like crushing weight isn't all bad and the proof is there. Gotta set things back on course. Amber (my partner) is a part of that course, and anything I do creatively, people are bound to know about her as well.

Not much is more important than smiles on faces and acceptance. Safe spaces. Top tier values for me. Gotta keep it coming. We've tallied the losses, it's time to make a comparable list of wins.

[crmsnmth-journal]

2/25/2024 9:31 PM

And Winter Carnival is officially over. We somehow managed to survive yet another year. By the skin of our teeth, but that does count right? Either way, I am tired and sore, and I am working open to close until my much-needed Thursday off. I need it badly. This weekend burns me out, every year we have to do it. At least the pool teams were fast tonight, and I wasn't stuck there until one or two in the morning. And I was home by 8:30. I'm not going to complain.

Went out with my grandmother today before work. It'd been a while since we made our usual run out to MF, so it was nice to catch up. She's anxious to start planting her garden because of this crazy February weather. She gave me this rad old Army jacket. Has some patches on it that I need to take off, but I looked up what the mean and apparently, I now have a Corporal of the Sixth Army's old coat. I'm curious if it saw battle or not. Kind of interesting to think about, the history of an object like that. What has it seen? Where has it been?

I think I need to see a doctor again. I've been having strange chest pains the past couple days and it makes me nervous. My body's not the healthiest thing in the world. I'm an addict and alcoholic, and my body paid a big price because of that. I would not reccommend the altered diet. Either way, I'll call them tomorrow at some point and make the appointment. Can't really mess around too long with something like this. I'm sure it's nothing, but I'd rather be safe than dead.

Now that I've had time to think about it, the Shameless finale kind of leaves me disappointed. It just felt like the writers wanted to do so much more that whole season. I will say thought that Frank's letter was the perfect way to end the show. I'm irritated though that so many storylines don't seem to finish. And I was really annoyed that Covid is what killed Frank. What was the point of the dementia then? It just made me frustrated, and I don't think that was supposed to be the end of the series. It needed one or two episodes to show Mickey and Ian's stuff, and Lip's stuff. All in all, it was an ok end to a really great show. Wish I wouldn't have waited so long to see it. Now it's time to start searching for the next show I can indulge in random binge sessions over the next month or so.

[travelerofthetimestreams]

The year is about to change and many people are celebrating or making their "year in review" or "new year new me" posts. I am not doing either.

The year started out reasonably well. I planned and took what was truly a "dream come true" trip. I struggled throughout the year, but managed to remain positive in my professional life.

Then came this last month. In a blink of an eye, so it seems, it crumbled. I realized I had made (yet another) terrible decision at work. The "woke left" destroyed prospects of performing through the end of the year, so I lost any extra income I've become used to. Now here I sit fully afraid that I will not make it through the end of January.

My backstory is unremarkable. I come from limited means. A working class family whose entire mantra was "save for retirement". I was always (and still am) a dreamer. I longed to experience the world as much as I could. I always felt that the world was too big and had so much to offer that not making the attempt to see it would a shame. I told myself year after year that I would not live a life with regret.

My professional life started out quite meager. The usual retail than specialty retail. At 20, I discovered the optical industry and what later would become a passion I didn't know existed.

I transitioned from retail to wholesale in 2011. An entire new world of opportunities was revealed to me. Working for independent, European designers gave me the ability to travel more than I thought possible. All my years in optical retail were relegated to fantasizing about traveling. Switching to wholesale made many of those fantasies realities.

Thirty-five years later, with an established career and solid history in the optical industry, I am beginning to unravel. I made decisions based on feeling. I followed whatever path was open before me. I convinced myself that I could always do more and do better.

I went deeper into debt with each passing year. I continued to cling to the notion that as my career grew I could and would eliminate those debts. Then I made a serious decision an altered my course. I made a decision based on a personal relationship rather than professional one. While it truly felt right at the time, the years since (2016 to the present) have seen nothing but a downturn.

Yet I continued to remain hopeful that if I just put in the work, everything would work out. I would be able to manage the debts and come out on top.

COVID struck and my long term relationship ended. I thought I could manage to maintain the same level of positivity I had prior to the pandemic. Again, I convinced myself that if I just did the work I loved doing it would all work out.

Now it's December 31, 2023. I am in the worst financial situation I have ever been in. I don't know if I will see any income in the next month or more. And if I do, I will be digging a deeper hole with my current employer.

A "miscommunication" on their part and lack of follow-up on my part has lead me to owing them money. Any prospect of "catching up" or "getting ahead" has been eliminated.

Now I sit here and question all of the decisions I've made. Was it worth it? Was getting into debt worth the experiences I've had? Will I continue to make these horrible decisions? I truly believe that I don't make rash or hasty decisions, but somehow, the decisions I make always seem to be wrong.

I am beginning to regret all of it. I am beginning to feel like I wasted time. Like it was pointless. Like there is no point in continuing.

I just don't know why this keeps happening. I don't why these decisions that "seem right at the time", backfire or worse.

I feel defeated. I don't know what's coming next. I don't know if I can get through another month, few months, or even year of missteps, backfires, or bad choices.

I'm doing what I need to do to survive right now. That's all I can do. That's all I have left.

[vinter1sol]

In commemoration of me finally getting a new job and actually getting out of retail hell, I've decided to share some of my favourite moments with customers. Yay.

(For reference, I worked in a garden centre/plant nursery)

I was once called up to the register for this pointless question (that I am sure my college at the counter could have also answered ffs):

Lady: *points to her 8 pink hydrangea* How much soil do we need?

Me: *looks at both the lady and her husband, hoping for a clarification* ...?

Lady & Husband: *stares back*

Me: Are you gonna plant them in the ground..? Or in pots?

Lady: In pots.

There are no pots in sight.

Me: Do you already have the pots?

Lady: Yes.

Me: *positively boiling with frustration, but smiling* And how big are they?

Lady: *she makes a vague gesture as to how wide they are* Like this?

Me: And how tall?

Again a vague gesture.

Lady: Oh, and they're already half filled with soil.

I want to strangle you lady, do you know that? Do see that in my eyes? Can you tell that I hold nothing but contempt for you and your hydrangea? That I wish for nothing more but for all your plants to wither and die?

Me: *smiles in customer service*

Lady: So how much soil do you think we'll need?

...

So I apprenticed the same place that I've been working at, and let me tell you about that one time I got scolded by a rail thin and mean old lesbian.

It's a long one, so settle in.

Let me set the scene for you: it's 2020, covid is raging across the country, the state decides to shut everything down except for the essentials...

And we are still open.

...

We're still open.

Me? I was three (3) months into my apprenticeship. It's going as well as you can imagine it going in the middle of a pandemic.

You can probably guess how busy we were, given that most everyone else had been sent home from work and could only spend time outside in their gardens.

Business was booming.

Thing is, even if covid hadn't happened we'd still be understaffed. And I can blatantly admit that I wasn't a great help when it came to answering questions. But I did my best, and I usually told customers that I was an apprentice. If I really couldn't answer their questions I'd find one of my colleges who could.

Anyway, I'm watering as I get approached by the thinnest, most frail-like, snobby older lady I have ever seen in my life, who then asks me if I can help them (her and her wife) with picking a climber.

I tell them that I would not be the best for that and that I would find someone to help them instead.

No problem there, they'd go down to the climbers and wait there.

Cool. Great. I'm off to find someone, anyone, who can help.

Expect everyone is occupied. As in, they had people standing in small groups and ques around them, and when I go in to the register, my boss (the guy who's supposed to be my supervisor) is also occupied.

It's a bust. I most go help the couple as well as I can.

I find them and tell them the following, "I could unfortunately not find anyone else who could help you, so you'll have to settle for me."

Frail looking lady starts asking her questions, which essentially boils down to her wanting to know which of the clematis and honeysuckle will survive best in a "bad" soil.

Me, not knowing shit about it at the time, look at the little cards we've made with information about the individual varieties to try and figure it out.

They all say the same: needs good, regular garden soil.

Well fuck.

Snobby lady: I can read the signs myself, can't you tell me something else?

Well fuck.

Me: I'm sorry, but they all prefer good soil. There isn't one that likes "bad" soil.

Not good enough, therefore wrong answer.

She asks more questions and I eventually tell her that if her soil really is that bad, then it would be a good idea to dig a bigger hole so she could mix in some soil improver/mulch.

No she does not want to do that, she just wants a plant that can live in the soil she already has.

And she most definitely doesn't want my help anymore.

Guess I'll leave then.

I go back to what I was doing before she came - watering. (Because back then our watering system was broken... still kinda is.)

She and her wife pass me by, up towards the main plaza and the greenhouses (where the register is).

I shit you not when I say that not even five minutes pass by, when I can hear her talking and see her speaking to who else but my boss.

Fuck.

My.

Life.

They pass me by, down towards the climbers.

I hear her asking about me, and the last thing I hear as they walk away is my boss telling her that I'm their apprentice and that I've been there for about three months.

I am watering and freaking the fuck out thinking about what it is she could be telling my boss.

I'm thinking about all the ways it could go wrong for me, when I see my boss, who smiles at me as he walks on past, and the lady and her wife go back up. They've got some plants in their basket.

...

What?

Okay, he must've not seen a problem then? Or he's gonna wait until later?

Some time passes by, and by then I'm completely calm and still watering, when I hear that god awful lady again.

I tell her hello, because I am a polite person.

She immediately starts her spiel.

She tells me how I need to tell people that I'm an apprentice and that I haven't been there for that long, and that I don't know anything.

Good day, she says as she leaves.

I am flabbergasted. Completely blindsided. And still watering.

(And no, my boss never did mention it.)

...

I get to hear, "Do you know anything?", and questions followed up by, in the same fucking breath, "But you probably don't know that. Teehee."

I'm gonna force feed you fucking Monkshood if you don't shut the fuck up Karen I did not spend 3 years of my life on this education just for you think I'm nothing more than a little girl hired to tidy up the space

Just ask your question, full stop, don't add a little cheeky follow up. You're being a bitch, and I now don't want to help you.

...

Why do customers think waiting behind you, as you are working, is a good way to get help? It's not, it's fucking obnoxious. You can come up to me, preferably in my line of sight, and say hello like a normal human being thank you.

...

Also, just, this:

Why are you so bad at describing plants? Please just take a picture or bring some of the plant with you. Please, I am begging.

"Don't you know it? Everyone knows it." Apparently not this bitch, but maybe I would if you weren't so shit at describing it.

Which, I feel like, also leads into the ever famous plant every customer asks about, the ever so evasive plant-that-flowers-always-and-is-evergreen-and-can-stand-full-shade-no-sunlight- and-doesn't-need-any-care-at-all-don't-you-have-that?

Plastic flowers, NEXT!

...

You know how sometimes you just wish customers would google it themselves? Because it really is just that easy and would save us so much time?

Well how about they do that whilst you're talking to them! Fact checking everything you tell them, and not even listening to you! Doesn't that sound fun?

I hate you.

I actively hate you.

(They didn't even find the correct information. Ha.)

...

This only works in my language, but we have a word that means both bad/poorly, as in something is badly/poorly done, and dirt.

So you have a bunch of old men, who think they are the funniest fucking person on the planet, come up to you every time you sweep and say, "Well, you're sweeping poorly (i.e. dirt)."

...

Another thing customers love to say, "Oh? It doesn't have a price on it, then that must means it's free!" Que laugh.

Once told a customer that he didn't have a tag on either, did that mean he was free?

He got real quiet after that.

His friend laughed though.

...

People who ask, first thing, for a discount need to pay extra.

I don't care, that's the rule now.

...

"Where are you hiding the herbs?"

Have you looked right in front of ya? There's even a sign.

"That's not where they were last year."

No, but we needed to give you something to ask about so.

"Why don't you have this anymore?"

Because it's sold out.

"Why?"

Because you keep buying it.

...

...

...

Well... that was cathartic

There's probably so many more that I'm forgetting right now, but eh, if I remember any good ones I might add them though

(If I sound bitter... no I don't)

[aefintyr]

WHAT IS YOUR THRONE MADE OF?

STEEL

A ruler of steel leads their people with strength and determination. They are renowned throughout the lands for their dedication to their people and their high levels of ambition. They have opponents, and many whisper about their ruthlessness. However, it cannot be denied that a ruler of steel cares for their people and their kingdom, and aims to always rule them with strength and with success.

TAGGED   BY   @mostsavage TAGGING   @ourpyrrhicvictory and anyone still willing to talk to me after all these months lmfao

[pikkori]

dont tell anyone but im studying and working on getting a non-art job so i could quit art (keeping it as a hobby) and social media as a whole. im done, like for real this time. im burnt out. im making less than 10k a year off of it. the field is hyper saturated and algorithms have absolutely killed any passion or excitement I have with art, I am nothing but a husk that draws and I no longer feel happy drawing anymore unless its for myself. I was doing semi-okay before covid, i was finally getting gigs and potential industry jobs and then it collapsed. They all cancelled and I had to start from scratch again. Recession is making my groceries for 1 person an extra 100 a month, even when I cut down. I'm still cutting down. I can't afford anything at the speed of the recession.

What makes getting another job any different? I have a chance of working from home, I can put my coding skills to use, and I can possibly see my income growing instead of bouncing up an down and just barely making it. For fucks sake, i'll take anything higher than 10k a year right now. Literally anything.

What is absolutely astounding to me is that, I was fairly successful on all parts of social media and selling merch and growing a base that could fund my work, but it simply DOES NOT pay enough. I've been at this for almost 6 years already, there is no more possibility of climbing higher because the rate of inflation. Most freelancers are making between 10k-30k powered entirely by visibility and social media. That is simply unlivable. It was bordering on starvation before the pandemic, but its simple undoable now, unless you're extremely lucky. Which I was lucky. Very. Still am for the bare minimum.

But im done. Im sick of being tied to social media. I want to be a nobody on the internet minding my own business, in fact i want to be off the internet more. I don't care anymore. I love art, but I don't love doing art like this. I will keep drawing and posting art, but I want to reach a point where it is no longer tied to my ability to survive. im very tired.

[valkerymillenia]

Do you know how messed up my life has been? Someone said I had to be making it up because no one person could have that much bad luck, but guess what? My whole life has been damn cursed, nothing has ever been great, lately it's a just a case of that bad snowballing out of proportion.

I need to vent, so just in bullets points, let's sum up the things that happened in my life just since covid started (can get a little triggery).

-my workplace (a national magazine) shut down and i lost my job (and as a writer and translator I got paid by each article and not a salary so not entitled to unemployment)

-my part-time (at a spa) went bankrupt because the owner just wanted an excuse to move away (also couldn't get unemployment benefits)

-cousin committed suicide

-our house debt piled up due to unexpected maintenance on our building and continued to pile with interested and every new yearly fee

-all my saved up money i wanted to use to get my driver's license went to the house debt and only made a mild debt

-pandemic started

-dad went through surgery to see if he could walk again (which ultimately failed) and became exclusively dependant on me, he's also deaf so i have to handle every single one of his official issues to serve as translator

-an old abuser started trying to reconnect with me

-dad got denied governmental aid

-mom and stepdad both got covid and i was too far away to help, end up using what little money i had again to make sure they had food and medication

-dad got caught driving without a valid license (due to a misunderstanding) and got a gigantic fine and sent to court

-we ended up survive on 300€ a month from my dad's disability plus any tidbits I can freelance

-car broke down and needed a new radiator

-my uncle/godfather died of covid

-my cat died

-car broke down again, needed a new battery

-dad gets denied retirement pension for the decades he worked abroad

-i had to stop my medication because i couldn't afford it, I'm in agony

-one of my doctors dislikes me and is very ableist and blocking a chance i could get government (financial) help for my health

-we accumulated another debt with a cable company that is not our fault, it's the new company's fault but no matter what we do or how we complain all our evidence gets ignored and we can't afford legal help to go to court

-my sister had a massive breakdown and had to be put on disability, immediately got fired and I worry for her deeply

-at the same time my bf also had a massive breakdown and got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and PTSD (again, I'm worried)

-my gf was told to leave her house because her landlord is sick of dealing with tenants and wants to sell the building, she has until the end of the month and still hasn't found a place

-my little cousin, who I'm very close to, contracted meningitis, had brain surgery, was in a coma for weeks (right through Christmas and new years), woke up unable to speak or walk properly, after more weeks of treatment he was released only to immediately return for more surgery due to acute infection, I've been distraught and I desperately want to see him but i can't afford the trip atm

-dad received the court sentence of 6 months suspended license and 400€ fine that we still can't pay

-DMV stone walling us for 8 months and counting (over just for a simple test to fix my dad's license)

-TV broke

-car broke down again, multiple broken parts this time, close to 500€ for repairs

-my aunt's Alzheimer's progresses so much that she no longer recognizes anyone

-my biological father has massive heart failure and is currently bedridden and likely dying but i can't go see him because he lives in another continent and i can't afford to eat, much less go see him one last time

-all debts still crushing us and piling up because we are literally surviving on scraps

And these are just the big ones, there's so many other small things just crushing my spirit. My confidence is dead, I haven't done any of my hobbies (except writing) in years, I have nothing good to look forward to, I'm sick but all i do is take care of everyone else.

I'm just at the end of my rope, ok?

[kikis-hamster-blog]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Okay.

I need to give you some background before I launch into this new adventure.

I moved out into my own apartment for the first time during February of 2020. I was optimistic about my new endeavor as a fully-fledged adult in the big city! (Well, as a fully-fledged adult next to the big city, but close enough!) And nearing the end of February I had just finished bringing over all of my essentials; furniture, cooking ware, clothes, hygiene and cleaning products, my computer and internet.. Stuff I would need to essentially survive. In just a couple of weeks I could start bringing over the fun stuff; my video games, my movies, my instruments, my records, my sewing projects. All the things that would keep me occupied in-between recording for my radio show. I mean, there's nothing that could possibly happen in a couple of weeks that could hinder me getting this stuff, right?

Right?

Anyway, Covid lockdowns happened and I was stuck without any kind of entertainment for months. I couldn't go out to see other people. And after a few months of having nothing but a computer screen for any kind of entertainment, everything started to feel very dull. The first half of Covid lockdowns was probably one of the worst periods of my life. It was boring, it was depressing, and most of all, it was lonely. Because I was living all by myself, the only people I would talk to in person were the people at the checkout counter when I went out for groceries once every two weeks. I had people to talk to online, and I love my online friends to heaven and back, but it's not the same as having someone there in person.

It was at about this half way point that I decided that once I had the financial ability, I was going to get a pet.

My friends, now, it is TIME!

But honestly, this being my first time living on my own, I'm pretty nervous about this. I've had pets before living with my parents, but I wasn't the only one taking care of them. Everyone in the house did. This will be my first time taking care of a pet all by myself, thus why I decided on the humble hamster. I figured "Hey, everyone says they're super easy to take care of. The hamsters and cages are both pretty cheap. They sell sunflower seeds at the dollar store. This should be a cake-walk".

Well, if you've seen the post I made on my main blog (and reblogged here), you'll know that's 100% wrong. Thanks to my extreme anxiety, I ended up doing some extreme research over the course of months. I was a dumbass, to say the least. I honestly still feel like I'm a dumbass, but it feels like I've squeezed out as much information from the internet as I can since every piece of information I've been finding is just repeating what I've already learnt.

Now, I'm a believer in the fact that there's always more to learn, so if I see a hamster care video or article covering something I think I know already, I'll look it over just to be sure. Hell, if you send me something now I'll still look it over. I think I'm pretty well-versed at this point, though, and that I'm at the step where I can start preparing a home for my hamster before getting them. I've already started a little with a bin cage I'm working on.

I still need to get more bedding and some sand, and get some help modifying the lid, but the basic idea is that this particular cage will be beach themed, and meant for a place for the hamster to make burrows in. It's going to connect to a fish tank that a friend of mine is giving me from when she used to keep a hamster. I'm still trying to arrange when to meet with her to get it, though. The fish tank, however, is going to be Fraggle Rock themed. Once again, if you follow my main blog, you know how huge of a Fraggle Rock nerd (and Jim Henson nerd in general) I am. I thought it would be a really cute theme to go with and would be fun to construct.

Before anyone says it (because the hamster forum I consulted said the same thing many times), I am 100% aware the hamster is going to destroy the nice, pretty bedding and make a mess within the first day. That's not the point, though. The point is that I want to make sure they come home to a nice, welcoming environment. They can do whatever they want with it once they enter, but I at least want it to look nice for them when they arrive.

Anyway, when my check clears I'm going to be picking up some more supplies for my future buddy! It should clear by tomorrow but the bank has been finicky recently so who knows. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Either way, it shouldn't be later than the end of the week so when I get the hamster supplies I'll make another post.

[booasaur]

First off, I admire your patience with your answers to all the asks, thank you for your thoughtful replies.

I have seen lots of frustration and disappointment with the Maya/Carina storyline/airtime in s4 so far on Station 19 and I find it fascinating and strange at how quickly people are forgetting the covid pandemic isn't just a storyline, it's real life for everyone right now, including the cast and production team. (That's a general observation - not one I've ever sensed you to have through your responses BTW).

That we have had any onscreen, close physical contact nevermind actual physical intimacy that requires the actors to kiss etc is a huge luxury. I don't know what the exact rules are for the acting industry in the USA at the moment, but in the UK the rules are still strict for actors and were even stricter earlier in the year (at around the time the episodes just broadcast would have been filmed). And just this week Tom Cruise has been widely (and positively) reported about for making sure that the severity of the risks are to the industry and how much effort is being put in by those that can have shows/films in production right now to keep the industry alive for when it hopefully gets a little bit easier.

And yes, it's frustrating to see our favourite story lines within ensemble shows get a 'lesser' spotlight than others, especially when the others are the heteronormative, 'mainstream' ones.

We have no idea what plan A was for s4 - it's a casualty of covid, twice over. First because the broader narrative was adjusted to accommodate it, almost like the introduction of an additional series member to the ensemble. And second because they have to come up with stories that can be told through scenes filmed in ways that the cast, crew, studio etc are prepared to do because they feel they can do them safely.

COVID kills, still by the thousand, every hour and day now, 9+ months after the first lockdowns and shelter in place orders etc. So much of life is unrecognisable for so many because of it, because they have lost people they care about, jobs, homes... And things taken for granted 10 months ago are almost forgotten about, condemned to ancient history because they just can't happen safely.

Yet we have new episodes on TV, made by people who were prepared to hug and kiss and put themselves as elevated risk of catching a seriously scary disease because it was something they could do to help us all, collectively feel like life still goes on.

(we could have ended s3 at episode 15 and still be waiting for s4 to start filming....yet we have French Toast that's better than sex!)

Personally, I'm just so glad that we have had Maya and Carina on screen again in 2020 and that the storyline has survived COVID in the real world. Yes, it would be great if it was more and different and all the things as fans we always want. And hopefully it will be nearer that by the end of s4's whole arc. And if it isn't? I think I'll cross that bridge when it comes. Hopefully at a point in 2021 when COVID-19 is no longer a main cast member of our lives... On screen and and in real life.

Thanks, anon! Press publish.

I’m kidding, but can you imagine. :p Um, hmm, okay, well, I do get your point, and have, as I’m sure you noticed, brought it up myself, that we don’t know what might have been without covid or how it changed things, and I didn’t even think about something like, for example, if Carina has a scene with Andrew, she may not be able to easily have one with Maya, just in terms of sharing bubbles and whatnot, as happened this week.

But as you mentioned yourself: “it's frustrating to see our favourite story lines within ensemble shows get a 'lesser' spotlight than others, especially when the others are the heteronormative, 'mainstream' ones.” THAT’s what’s bothering people, where actors are sharing more screentime, getting more intimate, when they’re part of m/f couples. Stefania and Danielle have obviously done whatever was necessary to share scenes, so why are they still so short and few? This seems more a writing choice. Having Maya talk to Andy about her anger at Carina’s items in her apartment instead of with or in addition to Carina, that’s a writing choice where not much else would even need to have changed, involving the rest of the plot or actors.

And while I’m grateful for the episodes and bit of screentime, if they come with a reminder of those inequalities, that stings. I do try to approach things in good faith and have other things to occupy me so haven’t let it bother me much but the differences are noticeable and I get why people aren’t happy with it.