#I hope this analysis at least explains my thought process somewhat

[scoups4lyfe]

George Karizaki and the Tragic Clown Paradox

(aka) The George Karizaki Dilemma — My George Character Analysis

WARNING: This essay goes into dark topics such as child abuse, trauma, and many other touchy and sensitive topics. Read at your own risk, basically. Also contains spoilers up to episode 48 of Revice. 

Warning, again—sensitive topics ahead. 

big thanks to @alpona for inspiring me to actually write and post this.

My Interpretation of the Inner Demon Reveal 

Vulnerability is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as: “​​the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” George Karizaki is a character that uses humor to disguise vulnerability. On the surface he comes off as more of an unbothered-genius, or mad scientist archetype. He works on what he likes, moral or not, all with an infuriating cocky-smile on his face. But humor isn’t the only thing George uses to hide his vulnerabilities, the very mask of ‘mad scientist,’ or a ‘villain’ caricature/persona is one of the other substantial ways George disguises his own traumas, fears, and pains. At the heart of it all, George cannot be analyzed without being placed in the “Tragic Clown Paradox.” Or— the ‘sad clown paradox’ as wikipedia calls it. 

Wikipedia defines said paradox as: “The contradictory association between comedy and mental disorders such as depression and anxiety.” 

More specifically, the link between humor and trauma. The paradox here, of course, being the fact that clowns—who are associated with laughter, fun, etc.—are actually the saddest or perhaps loneliest individuals in the room.  

This analysis seeks to examine George Karizaki as a character: how he’s being presented, his type of humor, and most importantly—how it all relates to his trauma. 

First on the list of analysis then, is the clown archetype and why I think George fits particularly well into it, and what that might mean for the character. In the article “The Great Comedians: Personality & Other Factors,” Samuel S. Janus states:

 “The world of theatre has always found meaningfully symbolic the alternate faces of comedy and tragedy. Historically, court jesters were tragicomic figures— the embodiment of the bittersweet of life. Among the oppressed, the role of social critic has been the comedian's forte. Freud indicated that humor is a release for anxiety, to quote Abe burrows: ‘The comedian must practice his comedy in order to avoid destroying himself.’ Jack Carter, another leading humanist, says: ‘the funny part, the laughter, is given to the audience, but the comedian is left with the bitter dregs.’ Comedy has been described by a leading theologian as: ‘The ability to laugh at one’s own tragedy.’”  

This is a particularly powerful section looking at the role of the tragicomic—the jester, the clown; and just how entwined with tragedy said comic is. Now, examining George’s portrayal in the show, fifty-one seconds into the first episode of Revice we are introduced to George first via his voice-over explanation about the Giff stamp. Then he brings up the idea of fighting demons with demons and with a snap of his fingers he brings up Daiji’s profile. Here we see George as a confident scientist. He obviously has a plan and knows what he’s doing. All, as stated previously, with a cocky-smile on his face. 

At Daiji’s coronation he cuts off Hiromi and pushes him humorously out of the way, saying he’s ‘taking too long.’ (This is notably also the first episode where we hear mention of his father and/or his father’s scientific legacy.) During the entire attack at the coronation, George is shown to be one of the only people not panicking. He’s rational and level-headed, even warning Hiromi not to try using the vistamp because it would be too strong for him. But then refusing to intervene or do anything more, letting Hiromi go through (and fail) at transforming. Simply stating: “See?” when things go wrong. This—from the standpoint of the audience, is also quite humorous. 

George takes on this theatrical jester archetype throughout the entirety of the series, sarcastically commenting on the sidelines as things take place within the central plotline. Like with Hiromi’s failed henshin. In “Fools are Everywhere” Beatrice Otto takes notice that ‘It is the nature of jesters to speak their minds when the mood takes them, regardless of the consequences.” In fiction, and real life, jesters employ a variety of skills. Such as storytelling. In fact, the modern term derives from gestour, or jestour, Anglo-Norman (French) meaning ‘storyteller’ or ‘minstrel.’ (Wikipedia) Jesters have a privilege of mocking/stating the truth to those in power (King) and being able to get away with it. George Karizaki is shown (like in episode 1) to mock, narrate, or comment on a situational folly or irony—again, such as Hiromi’s failed transformation. 

There are, of course, other notable instances of George’s jester antics—such as in episode 2, when Hiromi is informed he’s been demoted. Stating: “Your disgraceful failures to protect our Vistamp research labs AND inauguration ceremony have led you here.” So truthful and mean that you, as the audience, can’t help but feel bad and be amused. But instead of ending it there, George puts on that mocking smile of his and says in English, “Don’t mind, Hiromi.” 

George, like most jesters, are passive commentators rather than active forces within the narrative. They spectate. In fact, the most active thing George does is create vistamps to be used, which is barely, if ever, shown on screen. Yet somehow George still manages to manipulate and dictate main storyline events. Often working as the catalyst for something to happen in the episode. Such as when he gives Daiji a henshin device, or when he sticks a tracker on something stolen from their base in episode 14/15. 

Moving on to his sense of humor, George’s humor is a mix between self-enhancing humor that: “Involves a generally humorous outlook on life, a tendency to be frequently amused by the incongruities of life, and to maintain a humorous perspective even in the face of adversity,” (Like George at the coronation in episode 1), and Aggressive Humor which “relates to the use of sarcasm, teasing, ridicule, derision, ‘put down’ or disparagement humor.” Both are used to enhance the self, and the second is used to enhance the self at the expense of others, specifically. 

In Scott Kaufman’s and Aaron Kozbelt’s study, “The Tears of a Clown: Understanding Comedy Writers” they look at these types of humors and found self-enhancing humor to be positively correlated with social support and optimism, suggesting an optimistic outlook on life is closely linked to using humor for coping, perspective taking, and emotional regulation. On the other hand, they found aggressive humor to be positively correlated with self-report measures of hostility and aggression. We have seen George employ both kinds of humor throughout the show. Especially aggressive humor. This shows that George, as a person, is someone who uses comedy to cope and emotionally regulate himself, aka: He builds himself up by taking others down. I stated at the beginning that George uses humor to hide vulnerability, and to give himself a sense of control. As George—though it might not be obvious at first glance—is someone who hates loss of control, as it puts him in a vulnerable position and reminds him of his past trauma, which I’ll get to in a minute. 

Above is a video of George putting on his Villain persona in response to Hiromi lashing out at him

Janus states that, “there appears to be an awareness on the part of the audience of the relationship between humor and anxiety. Consequently it would be reasonable to assume some awareness of the fact that comedians are very anxious and often depressed people. (...) Humor, then, can be seen to be especially applicable in situations in which the individual feels himself to be powerless.” 

Power, powerlessness, control, and lack of, are all important elements of George Karizaki’s character and the clown mask he uses to cope with his past and his present. In Janus' study on the relationship between humor and anxiety,  he found that the early lives of all the subjects were marked by suffering, isolation, and feelings of deprivation; and I quote:

“Humor offered a relief from their sufferings and a defense against inescapable panic and anxiety. The presence of these same needs and ears almost universally accounts for the success of these particular individuals as humorists. The fact that humor is a language of protest to mitigate their anxiety and permits them to function. (...) It is felt that comedians are able to convert their rage from physical to verbal assault and that for many their comic routines are a form of acting out. (...) They (comedians) are keenly sensitive people who have an uncanny perception of the needs and fears of their audience.” 

Losing his father at such a young age and with no information about a mother, other than the mention of her not being around/gone, I think it is safe to assume George grew up an orphan without parental role models in his life. But not having parents is not George’s only trauma. 

(And here’s where my take becomes hot ….lol) 

George was forcibly given his father’s inner-demon as a child. This is obviously a metaphor for the passing down of generational trauma. It is also a form of child abuse. If we examine the facts, which are: (1) the father inserted his demon into George’s body without his consent, (2) this hereby violates George’s sense of self/his bodily autonomy, (3) as stated above, it’s child abuse. You don’t use a kid as an experiment and violate his control over his own body and not have that qualify as child abuse. George had to have been about 4-5 years of age at the time. That’s messed up. Though he might not recognize it subconsciously, this is another reason George hates lacking control. 

He’s already had things taken from him (i.e his parents) and things done to him (inner demon) all outside of his control. Then he had to grow up in that environment of deprivation and abandonment, where all he had left was his father’s inner demon and a legacy to live up to. This is also why Geeorge has the tendency to mask as a villain when confronted/put into an uncomfortable situation. It’s self-protection. “People lash out so that they can reject before they get rejected or abandoned. It is a way for the person to feel more in control, which makes them feel safer.” (‘Why do people lash out’ by Dr. Monocle Borschel) Some people with trauma lash out because they go into fight or flight mode when they feel threatened. 

To George—being vulnerable is putting himself out to be exploited. So he masks behind aggressive humor and villainy instead. 

Now, onto George Karizaki’s dilemma. 

One of the ways the George inner-demon reveal can be read (aka the way I read it) is as a metaphor for CSA. (Child Sexual Abuse.) How the scene is shown, the translation, and the fact that George’s bodily autonomy is being violated by his father, is why I came to this conclusion. This would also further explain George’s unusual sexual-coded interest in older men/father figures/authority figures. Victims can seek out the same type of abusers in order to have “control” over their own situation this time around, ergo “winning.” Though it never quite does work out that way. Either way, basically, if George is flirting/making the advances, then he has the control. 

All throughout the show George is usually the one to initiate physical contact with others, not the other way around. And when it is the other way around? George has never once reacted positively, instead forcibly removing the hand/touch from his body. 

Of course, this might’ve just been the actor being silly/doing something he finds amusing, for when he does things like flirting with the Igarashi father in episode 8 at the hot springs. But it still shouldn’t be ruled out imo. 

One of my first questions at George's inner-demon reveal was: “How does this differentiate from the intergenerational trauma passed down to Ikki from his own father?” Ikki’s situation (mostly with Vail) is often seen as a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. Ikki literally uses himself as a shield to protect his other siblings from his father’s inner demon. Vice, Ikki’s own inner-demon, is modeled after Vail, his father’s demon. Vail caused Vice to be created. I could wax poetic on this forever. But in examination and comparison to George’s situation, I found that the difference was in the actions the fathers took. Genta failed to protect his family from his inner-demon and hurt them, both physically and emotionally. But, George? George’s sense of bodily autonomy is being violated. His father, in fear of losing his son, decides to do something to his body that can never be undone; and he does it in his sleep. All without George knowing or realizing what’s going on. 

The entire situation reads to me as CSA. 

That’s the difference in the traumas being passed down; because unfortunately, it is a common fact for victims of CSA to become perpetrators of it when they’re older. Once again it’s about revisiting the trauma but from the winner’s side. Which is a disgusting thought process/reasoning, but that is the underlying motive. Now, was his father abused that way? As the audience, we can’t be sure. We know from separate Revice releases that the father, Masumi, worked as a scientist in a position lacking power—but that’s all we really know about his side of the story. The only thing that hints at it being like that is the knowledge of this being an intergenerational trauma being passed down from father to son. Literally, the same inner demon. Plus, the fact that it is being passed down from body to body. 

This is George’s essential dilemma—how he should view his father who was a good dad in most aspects up until the inner-demon insertion, and abandonment.

This is why George states that it would be easier to forgive his father if he were really dead.

The entire scenario does nothing but fill George with turmoil. How can he reconcile these two facts?  The good and loving memories versus the abandonment and bodily autonomy violation. The bad things should make his father irredeemable, unforgivable, evil. But he was still George’s father. One who gave him a majority of good memories when he was around. The situation here isn’t black or white but a complex gray area. 

Even Chic, George’s inner demon, shows aspects of this: George and his father’s love for science (good)—but twisted into something ugly, and, humor—George’s way of coping. A perfect mix of the trauma and how it both drives George/causes him to react a certain way (masking, etc.). That’s what Chic represents. A trauma inherited from his father.   

So, George Karizaki is a “tragic clown paradox” because of this gray situation he finds himself trapped within. It’s a lose-lose. The jester’s met his match. Humor finally wasn’t enough to mask his pain. So George did the next best thing: he became the villain. (Juuga) 

A few things to note now that we’re coming to the end of my essay: (1) this situation reminds me of two other things—Perks of Being a Wallflower (Charlie), and Eliot’s situation in Mr. Robot. In BOTH cases (spoiler) the MC has been a victim of CSA by someone close and very dear to their heart. In Perks it’s by Charlie’s favorite person—his aunt, and in Mr. Robot it’s by Eliot’s father. Both Charlie and Eliot repressed these memories and went on remembering their abusers as people they really loved and who really loved them. Yet, once they remember what happened to them…sh*t hits the fans. Here’s a clip from Perks of the scene where Charlie remembers/finds out what happened: 

WARNING: The videos below might be triggering, watch at your own caution.

Here’s a clip for when Eliot finds out: 

In both, finding out had (obviously) detrimental effects on them. But even before that, their trauma is shown subconsciously. For Eliot, his personality split in order to protect himself. For Charlie, his depression and suicidal ideation. The same can be said for when George finds out. George literally slowly loses his mind, with the catalyst of his father dying adding to previous stress, and instead tries to destroy his father’s legacy by attacking his friends. All so that he can feel more in-control. All so he can feel he has power over his father. So yeah, Charlie and Eliot’s stories reminded me a lot of George’s, which only strengthened my previous assumption of his inner-demon metaphor being about CSA trauma. 

Other things to note: (2) George uses touch to manipulate others, often initiating contact when trying to get someone to do something. Such as an arm over shoulder. For George, this can show that to him, touch equals power and control. Especially over others. (3) I think this is one of the reasons why George works out a lot. He worked out enough so that if someone touches him, he can physically remove the touch himself. No more letting others have control over his body without his consent. 

[tenebraevesper]

King Shadow (The Alternate Story)

A while ago, I did an analysis on King Shadow from the Sonic the Hedgehog (Archie) comics, King Shadow (The Altered Future & The Altered Character), which is my least favorite take on Shadow the Hedgehog in official media so far. By the end of it, I had said that I might write down my take on King Shadow if you guys want me to, and I got a positive response. So, here is my concept.

Please note that this are my thoughts and if you have your own ideas regarding how you’d write King Shadow, I’d love to hear them.

First, I want to start off with the setting. King Shadow appears in the alternate future called Light Mobius in Ian Flynn’s continuation of Ken Penders supposed “magnum opus”, called Mobius: 25 Years Later... which is probably the worst Sonic story I have ever read. Ian’s attempts at fixing the story and turning it into something good fall flat mainly because the base of the story is really weak and while it has some interesting concepts, it really falls apart in the grand scheme of things.

The gist of Penders!25YL is that absolutely nothing happens until King Sonic is sent back at time to prevent a disaster and the story ends there. Ian!25YL picks the story up where it ended, explaining how King Sonic fixed the future, but it has been altered in such way that Shadow went on conquering the world for basically no reason and crowned himself king.

From what I understood, the reason why Shadow was written as an evil king was because at the time, he was still seen as an antagonist.

Now, thinking about the setting... I feel like we don’t even need it. Honestly, when I started writing this concept, I took a look at 25YL/30YL and decided to just Ctrl+Alt+Delete the whole thing and start with a blank slate. As a matter of fact, this doesn’t even have to take place in Sonic (Archie). It only has to take place in the Sonic Universe.

Next, the biggest issue I had was with was Shadow’s motivation for conquering the world - that being that he apparently had none. Admittedly, this seemed to have been somewhat expanded in Mobius: 30 Years Later...

If I understood correctly, the world had been at a war and Shadow conquered it to bring peace, but he turned into a tyrant in the process, using brute force to keep everyone in line. I think that this isn’t a bad motive, but it still needs to be worked on.

So, with the two main issues I had with this story (there are many more, but let’s focus on just these two for now), here’s my idea how the story might go. Once again, this is just a concept idea and if you don’t like how I wrote King Shadow, you’re free to tell me how you would write him. 

Trigger Warning - It is quite brutal.

Shadow’s descent into becoming a tyrannical King would have its origins in a tragedy (yeah, I like to make the characters I love suffer), with the story starting off with Sonic and his friends being involved in another battle against Eggman. This takes place at a point where Shadow has opened up more to his friends, like Rouge, Omega, Sonic, etc. He has moved on from his past, accepting his new life and managed to forge several close bonds.

This confrontation everyone participates in is on a grand scale, think something akin to the battle during the Metal Virus Saga from Sonic IDW, and is incredibly brutal, with the consequences of it that most of the characters have been either killed or died due to their wounds. Sonic has somehow vanished during the battle, leaving Shadow as one of the few survivors. Having witnessed the demise of his closest friends, Shadow would be deeply affected by this traumatic experience, the memories of his past overwhelming him.

He had lost Maria, and just when he had come to terms with moving on and living life with his new friends, he now lost everyone he cared about. This would lead to him shutting down, or at least becoming closed off once again as he tries to handle the grief and survivor's guilt, with the only hope being that there wouldn't be any conflict because Eggman is also gone. The world is at peace now, isn’t it?

Except, that's not the case. New villains would rise and Shadow would see it as his own responsibility to go to the front lines to fight these new villains, over and over again. He is The Ultimate Lifeform, the strongest being in the universe, and he feels that he needs to soldier on and protect the world as he had not only promised to Maria, but to himself. He also refuses to get close to anyone else, because he doesn’t want to deal with another loss.

Eventually, he is called to deal with another conflict, this one being rather petty. It doesn’t matter what it is, but the point is that this is what finally breaks Shadow. He realizes that no matter how hard he works to protect the world, there would always be new conflicts, even for the most ridiculous reasons and people would continue being ungrateful for the peace he’s trying to create.

So, he decides to take matters in his own hands.

After all, Shadow is the Ultimate Lifeform. He is nearly invulnerable, he is ageless, he is incredibly skilled with Chaos Energy and can use the Chaos Emeralds to turn into Super Shadow. No one can harm him and, more importantly, no one can stop him. 

In order to preserve peace, he takes it upon himself to conquer everything, crowning himself as King Shadow, and makes sure that all wars/conflicts cease. If someone attempts to cause trouble, he'll deal with them swiftly and, if they resist, brutally. Peace is finally brought back to the world.

However, one issue remains. Even though Shadow has achieved his goal of peace, he enforces it with an iron fist. People are living in fear of him and have to walk on eggshells as they believe that even the smallest argument or protest might get them thrown into prison or worse. They see him as a tyrant king, and Shadow knows that.

He knows that people fear him, but because of his immense power, no one would dare to challenge him. He doesn't pay mind to them though, as being ageless, he'll outlive them. His reign is absolute and no one can do anything about it. He is angry though, noting how ungrateful everyone is - they finally are at peace, yet they complain about it. He would, however, acknowledge that they're partially right - he knows that he's a tyrant for enforcing peace with an iron fist, but he doesn't care. It was a necessity.

Shadow is also dealing with loneliness, heavy trauma, survivor's guilt and understands that he twisted his promise to protect the world beyond recognition. He notes that he isn't doing this for Maria, but for himself. He knows that his old friends would be horrified by what he had done, by what he had become, but he saw no other way out of this situation. He knows that he is the villain here, and he has embraced that role fully during the time that had passed.

Then, some time during King Shadow's rule and him dealing with a resistance of some sort, Sonic suddenly appears seemingly out of nowhere.

Now, I haven’t really thought about what would happen to Sonic, but the general idea is that he may have experienced some kind of time travel, which flung him from the past into the King Shadow!Future. He may have even had some help from Silver.

Regardless of what happened to Sonic, he has talked to the leader of this resistance movement and learns not only about the deaths of his friends, but also about Shadow's tyrannical rule and decides to confront him. The resistance members, not really knowing what kind of person Sonic truly is, figure that Sonic is going to remove Shadow by force, possibly even kill him, and support him.

Shadow also hears about Sonic's return, and while he's shocked at first that Sonic has somehow miraculously survived the battle, he decides to prepare for their eventual encounter. Interestingly, he actually welcomes Sonic with open arms, despite being aware that Sonic wants to fight him, and when Sonic attempts to talk things out, he punches his rival.

This escalates into a battle between the two, where Shadow reveals what he had gone through and admits that he knows that he has become a tyrant and that people hate him, but he feels that he was too far gone to change. He had been hoping for that eventually someone would come and put him out of his misery - and Sonic is the only one who can do that. 

So, the two fight, going all out on each other, with the battle ending in Sonic’s victory. However, instead of destroying Shadow, who is laying on the ground, defeated, Sonic offers him his hand, much to everyone’s shock. Sonic explains that he’d rather stay with Shadow and help him deal with his trauma, and the only reason he fought the latter was because he knew they both needed to blow off some steam without putting anyone else in danger.

Sonic explains to Shadow that they both dealt with a heavy loss and he is still grieving the death of his friends, but he isn't going to lose another friend, that being Shadow himself. Sonic wants to help Shadow heal, pointing out that he and Shadow had the same goal in achieving peace, except Shadow went overboard in his grief, and he doesn't consider Shadow a lost case. 

While still in shock, Shadow accepts the proposal, grabbing Sonic’s hand and getting up, but is basically arrested by the resistance. They still want him to be punished for what he had done, and Shadow agrees to it, even if Sonic protests, because he feels Shadow has suffered already enough.

As it turns out, Shadow gets banished from his own kingdom, as they have no means of imprisoning him, and when the court debates on whether they can even do that, since they would have to trust that Shadow wouldn’t return on his own to take back his kingdom, Sonic replies that he’ll keep an eye on his the ebony hedgehog.

Once left alone, both Sonic and Shadow are aware it will take a while to heal from what had happened to both of them, but Sonic is just glad to at least have one friend by his side, suggesting they travel together from one place to another and help those in need or go on adventures. Sonic notes how regardless of everything, he will continue to protect people, with Shadow agreeing - ending the whole thing on a bittersweet, but hopeful note.

Whatever happens afterwards, they will face it together.

EDIT:  

#Isekai'd As My Past Self (Sonic the Hedgehog AU Story) - a spiritual successor to this story idea.

#Sonic the Hedgehog Analyzer (Masterlist)  

[be-gay-do-heists]

hello yall :) the holy month of elul started last night, which is typically a time for contemplation, so since it is impossible for me to stop thinking about leverage, i decided to write an essay. hope anyone interested in reading it enjoys, and that it makes at least a little sense!! spoilers for leverage redemption

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Leverage, Judaism, and “Doing the Work”: An Essay for Elul

When it comes to Elul and the approaching High Holidays, Leverage might seem like an odd topic to meditate on.

The TNT crime drama that ran from 2008-2012, and which released a new season this summer following its renewal, centers on a group of found-family thieves who help the victims of corporations and oligarchs (sometimes based on real-world examples), using wacky heists and cons to bring down the rich and powerful. In one episode, the team’s clients want to reclaim their father’s prized Glimt piece that had been stolen in the Shoah and never returned, but aside from this and the throwaway lines and jokes standard for most mainstream television, there’s not a ton textually Jewish about Leverage. However, despite this, I have found that the show has strong resonance among Jewish fans, and lots of potential for analysis along Jewish themes. This tends to focus on one character in particular: the group’s brilliant, pop culture-savvy, and personable hacker, Alec Hardison, played by the phenomenally talented Aldis Hodge.

I can’t remember when or where I first encountered a reading of Hardison as Jewish, but not only is this a somewhat popular interpretation, it doesn’t feel like that much of a leap. In the show itself, Hardison has a couple of the aforementioned throwaway lines that potentially point to him being Jewish, even if they’re only in service of that moment’s grift. It’s hard to point to what exactly makes reading Hardison as Jewish feel so natural. My first guess is the easy way Hardison fits into the traditional paradigms of Jewish masculinity explored by scholars such as Daniel Boyarin (2). Most of the time, the hacker is not portrayed as athletic or physical; he is usually the foil to the team’s more physically-adept characters like fighter Eliot, or thief Parker. Indeed, Hardison’s strength is mental, expressed not only through his computer wizardry but his passions for science, technology, music, popular media, as well as his studious research into whatever scenario the group might come up against. In spite of his self-identification as a “geek,” Hardison is nevertheless confident, emotionally sensitive, and secure in his masculinity. I would argue he is representative of the traditional Jewish masculine ideal, originating in the rabbinic period and solidified in medieval Europe, of the dedicated and thoughtful scholar (3). Another reason for popular readings of Hardison as Jewish may be the desire for more representation of Jews of color. Although mainstream American Jewish institutions are beginning to recognize the incredible diversity of Jews in the United States (4), and popular figures such as Tiffany Haddish are amplifying the experiences of non-white Jews, it is still difficult to find Jews of color represented in popular media. For those eager to see this kind of representation, then, interpreting Hardison, a black man who places himself tangential to Jewishness, in this way is a tempting avenue.

Regardless, all of the above remains fan interpretation, and there was little in the text of the show that seriously tied Judaism into Hardison’s identity. At least, until we got this beautiful speech from Hardison in the very first episode of the renewed show, directed at the character of Harry Wilson, a former corporate lawyer looking to atone for the injustice he was partner to throughout his career:

“In the Jewish faith, repentance, redemption, is a process. You can’t make restitution and then promise to change. You have to change first. Do the work, Harry. Then and only then can you begin to ask for forgiveness. [...] So this… this isn’t the win. It’s the start, Harry.”

I was floored to hear this speech, and thrilled that it explained the reboot’s title, Leverage: Redemption. Although not mentioned by its Hebrew name, teshuvah forms the whole basis for the new season. Teshuvah is the concept of repentance or atonement for the sins one has committed. Stemming from the root shuv/shuva, it carries the literal sense of “return.” In a spiritual context, this usually means a return to G-d, of finding one’s way back to holiness and by extension good favor in the eyes of the Divine. But equally important is restoring one’s relationships with fellow humans by repairing any hurt one has caused over the past year. This is of special significance in the holy month of Elul, leading into Rosh haShanah, the Yamim Noraim, and Yom Kippur, but one can undertake a journey of redemption at any point in time. That teshuvah is a journey is a vital message for Harry to hear; one job, one reparative act isn’t enough to overturn years of being on the wrong side of justice, to his chagrin. As the season progresses, we get to watch his path of teshuvah unfold, with all its frustrations and consequences. Harry grows into his role as a fixer, not only someone who can find jobs and marks for the team, but fixes what he has broken or harmed.

So why was Hardison the one to make this speech?

I do maintain that it does provide a stronger textual basis for reading Hardison as Jewish by implication (though the brief on-screen explanation for why he knows about teshuvah, that his foster-parent Nana raised a multi-faith household, is important in its own merit, and meshes well with his character traits of empathy and understanding for diverse experiences). However, beyond this, Hardison isn’t exactly an archetypical model for teshuvah. In the original series, he was the youngest character of the main ensemble, a hacking prodigy in the start of his adult career, with few mistakes or slights against others under his belt. In one flashback we see that his possibly first crime was stealing from the Bank of Iceland to pay off his Nana’s medical bills, and that his other early hacking exploits were in the service of fulfilling personal desires, with only those who could afford to pay the bill as targets. Indeed, in the middle of his speech, Hardison points to Eliot, the character with the most violent and gritty past who views his work with the Leverage team as atonement, for a prime example of ongoing teshuvah. So while no one is perfect and everyone has a reason for doing teshuvah, this question of why Hardison is the one to give this series-defining speech inspired me to look at his character choices and behavior, and see how they resonate with a different but interrelated Jewish principle, that of tikkun olam. 

Tikkun olam is literally translated as “repairing the world,” and can take many different forms, such as protecting the rights of vulnerable people in society, or giving tzedakah (5). In modern times, tikkun olam is often the rallying cry for Jewish social activists, particularly among environmentalists for whom literally restoring the health of the natural world is the key goal. Teshuvah and tikkun olam are intertwined (the former is the latter performed at an interpersonal level) and both hold a sense of fixing or repairing, but tikkun olam really revolves around a person feeling called to address an injustice that they may have not had a personal hand in creating. Hardison’s sense of a universal scale of justice which he has the power to help right on a global level and his newfound drive to do humanitarian work, picked up sometime after the end of the original series, make tikkun olam a central value for his character. This is why we get this nice bit of dialogue from Eliot to Hardison in the second episode of the reboot, when the latter’s outside efforts to organize international aid start distracting him from his work with the team: “Is [humanitarian work] a side gig? In our line of work, you’re one of the best. But in that line of work… you’re the only one, man.” The character who most exemplifies teshuvah reminds Hardison of his amazing ability to effect change for the better on a huge stage, to do some effective tikkun olam. It’s this acknowledgement of where Hardison can do the most good that prompts the character’s absence for the remainder of the episodes released thus far, turning his side gig into his main gig.

With this in mind, it will be interesting to see where Hardison’s arc for this season goes. Separated from the rest of the team, the hacker still has remarkable power to change the world, because it is, after all, the “age of the geek.” However, he is still one person. For all that both teshuvah and tikkun olam are individual responsibilities and require individual decision-making and effort, the latter especially relies on collective work to actually make things happen. Hardison leaving is better than trying to do humanitarian work and Leverage at the same time, but there’s only so long he can be the “only one” in the field before burning out. I’m reminded of one of the most famous (for good reason) maxims in Judaism:

It is not your duty to finish the work, but neither are you free to neglect it. (6)

Elul is traditionally a time for introspection and heeding the calls to repentance. After a year where it’s never been easier to feel powerless and drained by everything going on around us, I think it’s worth taking the time to examine what kind of work we are capable of in our own lives. Maybe it’s fixing the very recent and tangible hurts we’ve left behind, like Harry. Maybe it’s the little changes for the better that we make every day, motivated by our sense of responsibility, like Eliot. And maybe it’s the grueling challenge of major social change, like Hardison. And if any of this work gets too much, who can we fall back on for support and healing? Determining what needs repair, working on our own scale and where our efforts are most helpful, and thereby contributing to justice in realistic ways means that we can start the new year fresh, having contemplated in holiday fashion how we can be better agents in the world.

Shana tovah u’metukah and ketivah tovah to all (7), and may the work we do in the coming year be for good!

------

(1) Disclaimer: everybody’s fandom experiences are different, and this is just what I’ve picked up on in my short time watching and enjoying this show with others.

(2) See, for example, the introduction and first chapter of Boyarin’s book Unheroic Conduct: The Rise of Heterosexuality and the Invention of the Jewish Man (I especially recommend at least this portion if you are interested in queer theory and Judaic studies). There he explores the development of Jewish masculinity in direct opposition to Christian masculine standards.

(3) I might even go so far as to place Hardison well within the Jewish masculine ideal of Edelkayt, gentle and studious nobility (although I would hesitate to call him timid, another trait associated with Edelkayt). Boyarin explains that this scholarly, non-athletic model of man did not carry negative associations in the historical Jewish mindset, but was rather the height of attractiveness (Boyarin, 2, 51).

(4) Jews of color make up 20% of American Jews, according to statistics from Be’chol Lashon, and this number is projected to increase as American demographics continue to change: https://globaljews.org/about/mission/. 

(5) Tzedakah is commonly known as righteous charity. According to traditional authority Maimonides, it should be given anonymously and without embarrassment to the person in need, generous, and designed to help the recipient become self-sufficient.

(6) Rabbi Tarfon, Pirkei Avot, 2:16

(7) “A good and sweet year” and “a good inscription [in the Book of Life]”

[darthzero22]

Free time

Crosshair x Neutral Reader 

The Havoc Marauder was in hyperspace, heading for the planet where your squad would do the mission. It was a bit of a long trip, so the others went to sleep, except for you and Crosshair.

You were in the back of the ship sitting in a chair reading your datapad, while Crosshair was standing in front of the table looking at his rifle and making some improvements to it. You would sometimes raise your eyes and look at him, but since he had his back to you he didn't notice you looking at him from time to time. What you had on your datapad was the mission report, but it was kind of boring, so sometimes you got distracted by moving a droid's head with your foot.

The ship had a reputation for being a mess on many occasions, mostly because of Wrecker. You had gotten used to it, in fact sometimes if you were really bored, you would clean up a little, but very occasionally. Although you wondered why there was a droid head on the ship, you thought maybe Tech used it for one of his analysis or projects, and now it was on the floor because it was useless.

You while you were thinking all that in your head, you inadvertently kick the droid's head causing it to shoot forward and slam against the wall in front of you, and thus to Crosshair's side. You hiss, noting that he looks to his side, seeing the droid's head on the floor, and then turns back to look at you with a raised eyebrow. You smile nervously and wave a little to him with your hand.

“You weren't trying to hit me in the leg with that, were you?” he asked.

“No, no! Of course not. It was an accident”

Crosshair rolls his eyes, moves the toothpick to the other side of his mouth and turns to focus on his rifle again. You scratch the back of your neck and wanted to focus on your datapad, but you couldn't. You observe that he moves his foot up to the droid's head, which was next to him very close, and he kicks it back to give it back to you, then hits you in the foot. He didn’t break his posture, at all times he was with his back straightened looking at his rifle, and his back to you.

“Ouch! Cross! Really?” the blow hadn't hurt, but you were surprised that he did that. “I told you I didn't do it on purpose”

Crosshair looks over his shoulder at you and gives a smirk.

“Well, I did”

“Bastard” you said to him with affection.

“If you said so” he looks again at his rifle. “Now pass me my weapon kit”

“Pass me my weapon kit” you imitate his voice. “Every day I think 'please' is not in your dictionary”

“Don't complain, will you?”

You get up from your chair, leaving the datapad there, and then grab the Crosshair weapon kit that was next to you. It was heavy, so you pick it up and leave it on the table he was using.

“Thanks”

“Well, at least you know that word. You’re welcome”

When he looks at you, you squeeze his cheek affectionately, which caused him to shake his head a little when you move your hand away, and now he looks at you with a raised eyebrow. You smile amusedly at him and return to your chair, then after grabbing your datapad you sit in it.

“Will you keep reading that? You've been looking at it for about half an hour”

“And I will continue reading it. It's just that what it says here is very important”

“Really?”

“Really”

“I see. Well…” he turns around completely, rests his waist on the table with his arms crossed, and looks at you. “Then I want you to explain it to me, please”

He had said that word, so you knew he wanted to tease you, and you were speechless because you couldn't remember what the datapad said from memory. He was looking at you with a smirk, waiting for you to say something, and you nod your head.

“I'll explain to you, of course” you clear your throat.  “It's… about the mission”

“No kidding. And?”

“And it also says here that the separatist base... is located in a jungle on the planet, and...” you were slyly looking at the datapad.

“Hmm. You know what I think? I think you've spent the first ten minutes reading that thing, and twenty minutes looking at me”

“What? But...!”

“And you thought I hadn't noticed. That's very adorable of you”

“Well, you know that I do read the datapad with the mission information, but this time...”

“And other times”

“And other times... I got distracted, with you. You make fun of me, but do you know the mission information?”

Crosshair grabs the datapad he had on the table, turns it on and shows it to you.

“I am more aware of the mission than you are. And the mission is in a forest, not a jungle”

“… I was close” you turn off your datapad and leave it on the chair next to you.

“For some reason you sound adorable when you try to defend yourself with words” he puts the datapad back on the table.

“Oh, thanks... I guess” you get up from your chair. “Well, I'll go get something to eat”

“It is too early to eat, you know?  You shouldn't waste your rations so soon”

“I know, but any second now my stomach will start to rumble. Do you want to hear that?” you smile.

“No, no” he clears his throat. “That's a good idea. Go ahead”

While you went in search of something to eat, Crosshair was taking care of his rifle again, but stops when he sees you coming back. He raises an eyebrow when he sees that you did not return with the typical food rations the Republic gave them, but with two fruits in both hands.

“What's that?”

“That's… two fruits, Cross”

Crosshair squints and you smile, trying not to laugh.

“Ugh. I know that, genius. I mean, what do you do with those fruits and how did you get them?”

“Oh, that! On the planet we were on yesterday there was a city, remember? While Tech was preparing the ship, I went to the city and bought these two fruits”

“Did you go to the city? How come I didn't hear about it?”

“You were busy with your rifle. I didn't want to interrupt you because you tend to get very cranky when that happens”

“Very considerate of you” he said with sarcasm. “So you spent our credits on that”

“Yeah. The first thing I wanted to do was to eat something different for a change, Cross” you were smiling. “And I didn't buy two just for me, one is for you. Here”

You give him the second fruit you bought and when Crosshair grabs it, you start eating. He waits a few seconds and also begins to eat, being surprised, in a good way, by the taste of the fruit, that's why he opened his eyes wide for a moment.

“Not bad, huh?”

“I still believe you didn't have to spend those credits on this”

“So you like it” you smile.

Crosshair frowns and continues to eat his fruit, trying not to make eye contact with you. It made you happy to know that you picked a fruit that he liked. You were surprised that he finished his fruit before you did, which meant he was hungry and had actually liked it.

“I wasn't the only one who was hungry” you said. 

“Hmm. Yeah, maybe”

You could see traces of the fruit juice on his lips, so you approach him and run your thumb across his lower lip, wiping it and stroking it in the process. Crosshair was looking away, until he looks at your thumb and kisses it softly, and that's why you look at each other. You could see what he felt in his eyes, he could see the same in yours, so you brought your mouths close together to merge in a kiss. The taste of each other's mouth, plus the taste of the fruit juice, was a more than delicious combination, so you stay kissing longer than other times. He brings his hands to your waist to draw you closer to his body, and you bring your hands to his face to start caressing it.

When you slowly pull away from the kiss, since you saw him do it many times, you pull out of his belt pocket a toothpick and bring it to his mouth, then he grabs it with his teeth in a somewhat provocative way.

“Oh, really? You did it on purpose”

“Hmm” he moves the toothpick to the other side of his mouth and smiles attractively. “Don't play innocent. You like it when I do that, and you wanted me to do it”

You raise your head, because earlier you lowered it a little to hide the blush on your cheeks, and rest a hand on his chin to caress it with your thumb.

“Yeah… I won't deny it. It's just that I'm lucky to have you, and I hope this will last for a long time”

“Me too” 

There was a moment of silence, until Crosshair squints his eyes for a few seconds looking away, and raises an eyebrow when he looks at you.

“You're not going to propose to me now, are you?” he joked and crosses his arms. 

“Aww, you noticed. I had prepared everything. I was going to get down on one knee to propose and all that” you joked as well, with a smile. 

Crosshair laughs at the joke you had made, and so do you. Then you  stare at each other for a few moments, until you smirk again. 

“But one day I will do that, and in front of everyone" you said. 

“Oh, no. No, no. If you do that, I'm going to ignore you for the rest of your life"

“Just imagine it....”

“No!”

“In the middle of a mission, I get down on one knee to propose you marriage with Wrecker, Hunter and Tech watching us, especially Wrecker" you were still joking. 

Now you see Crosshair cover his eyes with one hand.

“Wait. Did you really imagine it, Cross?”

“Hmm” 

“You did!”

You laugh when you see that his cheeks had flushed a little with embarrassment. Crosshair lowers his hand to cover his mouth and looks at you with narrowed eyes. 

“Do you really think it's fun to embarrass me?“

"Ah, I imagined the situation and it was more adorable. I think your face would be more flushed than it is now, and now you are very flushed” 

“... How much?”

“Very flushed” your smile gets bigger.

Crosshair now turns his back to you so you won't keep looking at his face, as he was indeed very flushed, and goes back to the table to take care of his rifle. 

"Come on, Cross. You look cute like that"

“I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of seeing me like this”

You approach Crosshair from behind and rest your forehead on his back, wrapping your arms around his body in a hug. 

“I'm always able to make you blush again”

You rub your forehead against his back and you could feel his heart racing, which made your smile get a little bigger. Then you bring your head up and give him a kiss on the back of his neck, and now he sighs. He turns around so that he was now facing you and you kept smiling.

“Great... Now because of you I can't concentrate on improving my rifle"

“And because of you I couldn't read the mission report properly. We are even” you smile. 

You two stare into each other's eyes for a couple of seconds, until you wink at him and Crosshair smiles.

“I know, I know. I teased you a lot”

“Well, I admit you make my life more interesting with that, and a little more fun"

“That's enough for me”

You were about to walk away to finally leave him with his things, but Crosshair stops you by grabbing your hand.

“Hey, hey. Where are you going?” he asked. 

“I'm going to go check the ship's controls, you know, to see the status”

“Oh, no, no. After all those times you teased me, you're going to stay”

“Oh, very well. It seems fair to me” you smile.

He pulls you closer to him and puts his hand behind your head to kiss you. You reciprocate, and when you were closer to his body, he places his other hand on your waist, practically hugging you, then you rest your hands on his chest. 

[mrskurono]

hello i am back once again but with this

https://twitter.com/nonlovso/status/1374142549519122436?s=21

(the op elaborates more in the replies + the embedded one on atsumu) in case u can’t see it -> https://twitter.com/nonlovso/status/1374155371145756679?s=21

i love reading these types of tweets, just people talking about the character in canon, analysing what furudate was trying to depict when he wrote these characters. also the phrase “monsters can only thrive among monsters” ???? fuckjng love that, so much to unpack tbh.

idk i just rlly want to see these characters thru the eyes of the author. it’s hard for us readers when 1) we don’t know the thought processes behind the making of each character, and 2) many characters we only see on the volleyball court. but people act differently in different situations. i know it’s a pipe dream but i always hope for more canon haikyuu content outside of volleyball, just regular slice of life content, just teens being teens (i know haikyuu-buu exists but it’s not confirmed to be canon so 💀)

- 🪢 sorry this become somewhat of a rant. this has been on my mind ever since i started liking suna, i couldn’t find posts / tweets like this for suna so i rlly struggled trying to fully understand him (which irritated me bc it felt like he was a one dimensional character 😡)

The amount of nerdy that I am I LOVE shit like this.

Which you know what is interesting is the way each can be laid out for each characters struggle with loneliness and how Sakusa’s is clearly the easiest to identify and yet people chastise him almost the most (Have y’all ever met only children? They can be a little weird and I’m married to one ok so I get it) But ironically Bokuto is one I never thought about (though I’ve thought in depth over Akaashi’s bc he latches to the 3rd yrs and then gets physically left alone) 

Bokuto’s loneliness is weird bc of course when Furudate let out who has siblings (which I got way too nerdy about that bc the family dynamics were real obvious after Furudate gave us siblings to characters) Bokuto is the youngest among three and anyone who’s ever had/known three kids is the baby is almost always the golden child in some way. On purpose or not. Like how much older are the sisters? Are they close? Did they baby Bokuto and that’s why he’s so focused on the team? (bc he needs someone to not really “take care” of him but at least guide his emotions at least) We see Oikawa’s sister is obviously old enough for him to have nephew that old so clearly they weren’t raised too much together (age gap) But Bokuto being the baby among two older siblings (female) in an Asian family really would speak to his need for attention bc he’s 1. The baby and 2. The only male child. Not faulting Bokuto at all bc like, he could really be a dick but he’s not. Which makes me feel like the sisters are closer in age bc if you’ve ever had siblings you know your ego gets to be in check no matter what. Bokuto’s loneliness is just something fun to pick apart bc it’s not exactly loneliness (or at least I don’t see it that way) like out of all of them he’s def seeking validation more than anything it feels like. Anyways- Sorry I’m rambling I like character analysis way too much XD

But god yes the lack of content outside the volleyball realm drives me crazy. Especially post high school in that short 5 year span before MSBY v Schweiden. Which this is my total bias talking but I constantly want to know when and how it happened that Kageyama just, mellowed out. He’s reintroduced not even really with a scowl. Totally unphased by the dumbshit Hoshiumi does, he’s surrounded by little kids (which I still wanna know when kids started to like him bc he’s the only one seen with a lot of younger fans repeatedly) and he smiles like a lot. Growth from the MSBY team always circles back (for me at least) for the four of them being together and growing like that. But Schweiden doesn’t have that substitute brother feel? I mean I think Kageyama and Ushijima get along real well (simpletons) but what about the other teammates? (Hoshiumi still has feral vibes that never leave I love him for that) But Kageyama was with them graduation on basically so who helped him mellow out? Who had such an impact on him that Kageyama kinda relaxed back into his interested, wide eyed and calm middle schooler self who was just enjoying playing volleyball. Like, Furudate??? You can’t just give me my man vibing being sweet and dealing with Hoshiumi’s bullshit and not tell me when it happened?? Was it personal life growth?? Was it the team?? FuruDATE GIVE ME ANSWERS

No one ever really points this out (or at least I haven’t seen it) but the two panels we get of Suna timeskip he’s smiling. I don’t know why but I just feel like that speaks to his character a lot. That he’s actually really a happy individual he just hated high school. He was in the lowest academic class, he loved volleyball but hated any variation of the twins and Kita and he was good at what he did but never really shined over having to deal with everything else. Which I mean he’s def not a spotlight kinda guy but even when they’re watching past games for prep Ukai has to point out Suna is the main point getted for Inarizaki (bc everyone is focused on the twins) I dont know...I just kinda find Suna interesting bc he’s seen as almost mean but timeskip Suna is smiling, chatty with Komori and good enough to be in the top leagues. He always struck me as one of those kids who hated school but was incredibly smart. Which is why I probably liked canon Suna a lot quicker than whatever the fuck the fandom depicts him as. (not to mention the being the older sibling so anyone who’s older knows you tend to be the emotionally calm one to not stir the pot and keep things calm at home which would really explain Suna’s deadpan look a lot just from personal experience as the eldest child)

See now you made me go off, this was supposed to be short but I passed out last night before I could do anything XD Now everyone knows Im a nerd :l

[naminethewriter]

Breaking The News

Second Part of the Remus and His Daughter Series     ⬅First | Next➡ 

Here on Ao3

Characters: Patton, Roman, Virgil, Logan

Relationships: platonic LAMP

Rating: T

Words: 2,665

Summary:  After Patton's encounter with Remus, he has to tell his friends about it. It's not as easy as it sounds.

While Patton was searching through his pockets to find his keys, he could already hear Roman inside. Most likely he was practicing his lines for his new show that would premier next month. Roman was the lead (which wasn’t a surprise anymore at this point) and when he’d come home with the news, a huge smile on his lips, Patton had given him a bear hug, baked a cake and called Virgil and Logan over for a celebration (you know, like they did every time). Patton was pretty sure that by now, Roman not only knew his own lines but almost the entire play by heart but he guessed a little extra practice never hurt anyone. Plus he loved watching Roman perform, even if it was just rehearsal.

Finally Patton located his keys, pushed them into the lock and opened the door. After closing it behind him, he hung his keys on their hook on the wall. He slipped out of his shoes and hung up his jacket on the coat rack. (He hadn’t really needed it – it was warm enough – but better be safe than sorry!)

 “I’m home!” Patton called into the now quiet apartment; Roman must’ve heard the door. A moment later, his head appeared in the entrance of their living room.

 “Welcome back, padre! Perfect timing, too. There are a few lines I’d like to run by you if you don’t mind?” Roman asked, giving him a puppy look he knew Patton couldn’t refuse. Not that he wanted to. Actually he was glad to be given an excuse to postpone the discussion about his earlier encounter with Remus until later.

 “Sure, kiddo! Just let me slip into something more comfortable and grab a snack,” Patton said cheerfully.

 “Great!” Roman disappeared back into the living room while Patton went to his own room.

 A few minutes later, Patton entered their living room, now dressed in a loose sweater and long skirt with a plate of apple slices (the healthy snack) and cookies (the tasty snack). Roman was pacing up and down, staring at his script and muttering under his breath. With a fond smile, Patton sat down on their couch.

 “Alright, Super Star! Lay it on me!” Roman grinned at him and handed him the script.

 “Wonderful! So in this scene…” Roman began to enthusiastically explain the context of the lines he wanted to work through, occasionally drifting off into sub-plots or character analysis, making his explanation longer than it needed to be. But Patton didn’t mind. He listened with rapt attention, asked a few questions here and there and slowly ate his snacks. After around 40 minutes, Roman put his pen down after writing the last few notes, looked them over and gave a satisfied nod.

 “Thank you so much, padre. I feel much better about this part now!”

 “You’re welcome,” Patton said with a smile on his lips. “Glad I could be of help!”

 “You always are!” Roman pulled Patton into a hug that he gladly reciprocated. “But I think it is time we prepare for game night. Logan and Virgil are gonna come down in less than an hour!” Patton glanced at the clock and saw that he was right. Roman had let go of him and started to clean up a bit. Patton joined him, fixing the couch while worrying his bottom lip. Should he tell Roman now? Having to repeat himself would be inconvenient but he couldn’t tell how Roman would react to knowing Remus was back. Sure they fought last time they’d seen each other but they were still brothers, right? Roman still cared for Remus, didn’t he?

 Patton had gotten so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t realised that he had stopped smoothing out the couch pillows until Roman called out to him.

 “Patton? Are you alright?” He hovered a few steps away, unsure if he was allowed to touch, worry etched on his face. Patton blinked at him, surprised. He tried to smile reassuringly but he could see Roman’s brows furrowing, so he probably failed.

 “I’m fine, it’s just…” He trailed off, fiddling with the pillow in his hands. Most likely Roman would get mad on instinct, like always when Remus was mentioned. So it would probably be for the best to give him some time to cool down before the others arrived and then he could give a more detailed explanation. He looked to Roman who was patiently waiting for him to continue. Patton took a deep breath.

 “I saw Remus today.” Cautiously, he observed his roommate’s reaction. For a few seconds, nothing happened. Roman was frozen, his worry for Patton still on his face. Then, as if time needed to catch up, many other emotions flickered through his eyes, only a handful of which Patton could catch. There was anger, of course, totally expected but also confusion, sorrow (maybe?) and even a slight sliver of hope. Or maybe that was Patton’s wishful thinking. Finally he settled on, what Patton could best describe as, displeasure.

 “Where?”

 “The mall, on my way back. We didn’t speak though.” Roman gave a sharp nod.

 “I see. Probably for the best. Doubt he’d have anything nice to say anyway,” he practically spit out. Patton wanted to disagree but Roman continued before he could.

 “I’m gonna go change now.” He left, leaving no room for protest. Not that Patton had wanted to. Roman needed time to process, he got that. It had been the right decision, to tell him first. Patton put the pillow down, gave the room a once-over and, deeming it presentable, moved to the kitchen to prepare a simple dinner for the four of them.

   By the time Logan and Virgil arrived, Roman still hadn’t come out of his room. The food was nearly ready when Patton let their two friends in, giving both of them a hug before hurrying back into the kitchen. The other two followed after him. Logan moved to help set the table while Virgil remained by the door, looking around.

 “Where’s Princey?”

 “In his room. He wanted to change.” Virgil nodded, relaxing a bit. Normally Roman would have greeted them at the door as well and the deviation from their routine had caused his anxiety to spike. But hearing Patton’s reassurance eased it again. The three of them together finished preparing dinner and once they were nearly done, Patton asked Virgil to get Roman. He left with a grumble. Logan and Patton finished up and sat down in silence which made it easy to hear the exchange down the hall.

 “Yo, Prince Fancypants” A knock (or maybe a kick, hopefully not) echoed. “Dinner’s ready, you ‘coming?” A muffled response, barely audible from the table before a door opened.

 “Greetings, Emo-Nemo, how nice to have you almost break my door down!” Roman sounded alright, in Patton’s opinion, maybe he wasn’t as worked up as he had feared.

 “Emo-Nemo? Seriously? Also I only kicked your door once, if it broke from that it’s just as weak as that nickname.” They continued their banter on the way back to the table where Roman greeted Logan with his usual gusto but Patton noticed he was avoiding looking at him. It stung a bit, but Patton understood. Remus was a sore subject for all of them and he did bring it up out of nowhere. So he kept on smiling and they fell into pleasant conversation over dinner. Toward the end however, Patton grew quiet, trying to plan out what he was going to say, even if that was never his strong suit. Logan noticed.

 “Are you alright, Patton?” he asked. “You seemed somewhat distracted since we have arrived.” Suddenly everyone’s eyes were on him. Being the centre of attention was another thing that Patton couldn’t count toward his strengths but at one point this evening it would have been necessary anyway. Better now when it seemed like everyone had finished eating. Patton took a deep breath.

 “Well…” He paused, all his preparation flying out of the window when he couldn’t find the right words. “There is something I need to tell you.” He spoke slowly, carefully. Logan raised an eyebrow but didn’t interrupt. “Something happened on my way home and…” He didn’t get any further because Virgil suddenly sat up straight, eyes wide which startled him into silence.

 “Shit, Pat, did someone attack you? I should’ve gone with you, I had a bad feeling through our shift, but I didn’t think…” Logan placed a hand on his shoulder, effectively stopping his rant, his breathing now a bit rapid.

 “Deep breaths, Virgil. I am sure if Patton had sustained any form of physical or emotional trauma we would have been informed earlier.” Virgil nodded, the movement still a bit too sharp but he followed Logan’s breathing to calm back down.

 “Yeah, kiddo, I promise it’s nothing bad, it’s just –“ Patton stole a glance at Roman, who had his gaze fixed away from all of them, mouth set in a hard line. “– complicated.” Logan’s eyes flickered between the two of them, apparently picking up on the tension but choosing not to comment.

 “Alright…” Virgil said, sounding not completely convinced but at least he was breathing evenly again. Patton cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. ‘Just rip the bandage off, come on,’ he thought to himself before taking a deep breath.

 “I walked back from work through the mall again today,” he began, “to window shop, y’know, maybe visit the shelter, like I do sometimes.” He swallowed, staring at his dirty plate to avoid eye contact, his hands fiddling with a crease on his skirt. “And I ran into Remus, well not literally, I just saw him from across the hall and we didn’t even speak, but…”

 “Hold on!” Virgil interrupted again, but not in panic this time. “You mean Remus as in –“ He pointed at Roman. “– his twin brother, Remus?”

 “Yeah.”

“What? How? When? Why?!?” Virgil sputtered loudly.

 “Erm…” Patton was confused by the barrage of questions.

 “None of those questions are relevant right now, Virgil, especially since he has already told us when and how and cannot answer why. It seems to have been a complete coincidence, am I correct, Patton?”

 “Oh, um, yeah. He seemed to be as surprised to see me as I him at least.”

 “So he did see you? You said you did not speak to him, I assumed he didn’t notice you,” Logan said and adjusted his glasses.

 “No, he did see me, he was just otherwise occupied.”

 “What is that supposed to mean?” Virgil asked, exasperated. Roman scoffed.

 “He was probably flirting with some poor fellow; you know how he is.”

 “Actually, it was pretty much the opposite…”

 “Someone was flirting with him..?” asked Virgil, now unsure.

 “No, no flirting whatsoever. He was there with a kid.”

 “What he’s hanging out with teenagers now?” Roman rolled his eyes. “Not that surprising, honestly, he was always immature.”

 “Could you two please just let Patton finish his explanation?” Logan cut in, his tone sharp. Virgil looked a bit sheepish and Roman scoffed again, avoiding eye contact once more but neither said anything else. Logan motioned for Patton to continue.

 “When I first noticed him, he was standing alone further down the hall and on the other side, staring at something I couldn’t see. I was so caught off guard that I ended up staring.” Patton once again started nervously fiddling with his skirt. “Suddenly he crouched down and this little girl, maybe ten years old, came up to him with ice cream. He picks her up, sees me and we awkwardly wave at each other before the two of them disappear into the crowd.” He helplessly shrugs at the end of his explanation and waits for the others to react.

 For several moments there was silence.

 “Great!” Roman suddenly said loudly, throwing his arms up dramatically. “My brother’s a kidnapper now, just wonderful.” Logan raised an eyebrow.

 “You believe he kidnapped her? For what reason would he do that?”

 “How should I know? I haven’t known what goes on in his head since we were nine! But as if there are any children who would spend time with Remus willingly.” Patton opened his mouth to protest but Virgil spoke first.

 “Do you think she’s the only one or are there more?”

 “Could be! I wouldn’t put it past him. He gets obsessed with the weirdest stuff.”

 “His ‘obsessions’, as you call them, were always academical in nature, he never would inflict any harm on others, intentionally. If he needed a test subject, he would always use himself before anyone else,” Logan protested.

 “And how do you know that, Mr. Research Assistant? I’ve known him my entire life and even I don’t know the boundaries of his insanity! He might not even have any!”

 “You are being ridiculous, Roman. Just because you don not like him, you cannot just assume that he would harm children for some sort of thrill or –“

 “Maybe we should call the police.”

 “See, Virgil’s on my side.”

 “I mean, just as a precaution, he might be dangerous.”

 “You are working off assumptions from five years ago, you cannot –“

 “Oh shut it, Specs, the police can at least make sure he’s not harming anyone –“

 “Nobody’s calling the police!” Patton’s sudden volume cut them all off. He had stood up and was now glaring at them. His eyes softened at their shocked expressions. He took a deep breath and continued calmly.

 “Look, I know Remus did some bad stuff, I won’t defend him on that, but Logan’s right: he never hurt anybody on purpose, at least not physically. And when we dated, neither of us were in a good place and yes, he hurt me badly but that was five years ago. We all changed, so could he, for better or worse. From what I could tell that girl seemed really comfortable with him. Plus Roman, didn’t you say Remus was good with kids when your cousins were visiting one Thanksgiving?” Roman mumbled something under his breath but didn’t argue.

 “We also have no viable information to give the police,” Logan spoke up. ”We have no address, he might have changed his name and none of us have spoken to him in five years. Filing a report would be ludicrous.” He stood up. “Now I believe we should all take a few minutes to calm down before proceeding with the games. If you would excuse me.” He moved to leave the kitchen while simultaneously pulling out his phone.

 “What are you doing?” Virgil asked, eyeing his phone. Logan glanced at him, barely slowing down.

 “I am going to call Janus. Considering that Remus used to be his best friend, I am sure he would be grateful to know that he is indeed still alive.” With that he disappeared down the hall. Silence enveloped the kitchen once again and Patton sat back down. A door opened and closed somewhere in the apartment. Virgil and Roman both pointedly avoided eye contact. After a few moments, Patton sighed.

 “Look, I know you two had your problems with Remus, so did I. And I’m honestly not sure how to feel about this either but regardless of all that, I’m glad to know he’s ok. He’s still a friend and your brother, Roman. Who knows, we might not see him again for another five years. See the positives?” He glanced between the two, waiting for their responses. Virgil just gave a slight nod and Roman pouted, though he did look at least a little bit guilty. Patton gave them a small smile.

 “Alright, kiddos. I’m gonna go set up the living room. You come over once you’re ready, ok?” Two hums were his answer which he could understand as agreements. Satisfied he moved towards the living room but paused in the kitchen doorway.

  “Oh, and if you could clean up the table, that would be great!” Roman and Virgil groaned in unison.

[vorish-musing]

Risky Business (IT Chapter Two)

Summary: Eddie is a monster hunter, he’s called back to his hometown, there's another man eating monster, he just never realized how fucked this job could be.

Warnings: this story contains soft, safe, G/t vore. if you do not like this, I suggest not reading. this is also not a story for the faint of heart, there is (not super graphic) moments of fatal/hard vore, digestion mention (does not occur), fearplay, and the usual cussing warning.  

Hi guys! its been so long! I’ll be honest, i was not planning on posting this, since this was a WIP discarded back in march, but while watching the movie again, I realized I needed to finish this, I really hope y’all like it!

NSFW DO NOT INTERACT

Risk analysis? Was that Job invented before fun?

Well, it Depends on what you call ‘fun’

For Eddie Kaspbrak, risk analysis is fun.

He couldn’t remember much of his past, all that he knew was that monsters existed, the ones that hid under your bed, the ones that prey in the night, he didn’t know how he discovered this for the longest time, he just... knew.

He knew he had to have encountered a monster at one point, but he just couldn't remember when.

His first instinct was to kill these monsters, though after further consideration of how the ethics of that worked, plus the morality of him being the judge, jury and executioner was pretty skewed. He decided to analyze these creatures, at least the ones he found. Witches, Vampires, werewolves, ghosts.

So yeah, he was a Risk Analysis, he analyzed creatures that we’re a risk to human kind.

And yes, it was Fun.

Being a part of a small group of people who knew these monster movie critters existed was something he wished he could brag about.

Though everything changed when he got that call from Mike Hanlon, Begging him to come back to Derry to fight that clown. That damned clown.

His memories flooded back, the childhood trauma of that summer, 1989, when everyone they knew started turning up missing, really they were dead, nothing more than food to the demon living in the sewers

It was then, fighting that demon, when he realized that analyzing these monsters wasn’t enough anymore.

They were not a risk, they were a threat.

Once he got back to his home in new york, he began his own business, he tried finding his way into different circles, ones he never thought existed, multiple people with stories of slaying beasts of all shapes and sizes, and he was now one of them.

He got a second phone, one he could use for his side job, he went under an alias, Richie Marsh. Not creative, a little embarrassing,  but it worked.

He would get calls almost daily, he made pretty good money, but he had one rule, only kill if it had harmed first. He always turned the monsters who had done no wrong away, allowed him to get some sleep at night, knowing that he was saving others lives while doing this.

Hell, the first time he met a vampire, the dude just chilled alone in a cabin in the woods. Not bothering anybody.

He began making a name for himself in the business and it had only been a year, it was impressive to all about his knowledge, how much he knew about these creatures, how fearless he could be.

Up to this day, he scribbled down notes about the varying creatures he saw and met. Sitting in his living room, the constant scritch of his pencil was interrupted by a ringing from his pocket.

He took his ‘work’ phone out of his jeans, putting the device to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Is this Richie Marsh?” A familiar voice was heard on the other end, but he couldn’t quite place it.

Eddie ran a hand through his hair, thankful his phone had a voice modifier, just in case he actually knew the person on the other line.. Even though chances of that were slim to none. “Depends who’s asking”

with one hand, he took a sip of water in a glass, while with the other he opened a new page in his notebook, ready to write down this stranger's name.

“My name is Mike Hanlon, I was given this number by a friend, he told me you could help me”

Slim to none huh?

Eddie coughed up the drink back into his cup,“M-Mike Hanlon?”

“Uh...yes, I...I need your help”

Eddie scribbled down the name very quickly, though nothing in the world could make him forget it. “with what? What's going on?” he felt his heart racing, he didn’t want any of his friends to know what kind of danger he was putting himself into, he didn’t want them to know, or even try it themselves.

“Well… I live in Derry, Maine. There was a curse in this town...right? A monster, it killed a lot of people, but me and my friends… we stopped it.” Mike's voice sounded nervous.

“I...see…” Eddie’s voice wavered, hoping that this wouldn’t be another call back to defeat a killer clown “if you stopped it, why are you calling?”

“Because people are going missing again, but I know it's not what we fought, it's something else, nothing is being left behind, they’re just...vanishing.”

Eddie scribbled a few words down, his throat getting dry as he began to sweat nervously “okay...what's the age range of the missing persons?”

Please don't be kids….please don’t be kids.

“All adults, the other creature went for children, and those killings lasted for a year at least. This happens every few weeks, from my calculations, it's once every 3 weeks, and if I'm right, they're supposed to be here by Friday, they start hunting at night.”

Eddie couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief as he wrote what mike was saying down, opening his laptop and began booking a flight for Friday afternoon “okay, got it. have you seen this creature.”

There was an awkward pause, before Mike answered, almost embarrassed, “No.”

“Then how do you know all of this?” He wanted to believe Mike was reading too much into things, that Derry wasn’t being terrorized with another monster.

“Because one of the missing people has come back, and she came to me-- I’m somewhat of a Private eye in this town” Eddie smiled--good for him, making a name for himself in Derry.

“I talked with this one lady, she told me that she didn’t remember much, but whatever was out there, her two friends were killed, she didn’t tell me how they died, or even how she escaped...she just woke up..”

Eddie scribbled some more “do you know how many there are?”

“No. but I believe there's more than one, if you come in the next few days we can meet up and-”

Eddie shot up out of his seat “NO!” he heard mike go silent, before adding “uh...no...i’d rather uh...keep my face a secret”

Mike let out a laugh “of course, of course. We will have to talk more though, I have many notes and things that I’ve observed-”

‘Text me them, I have to go”

“But-”

Eddie hung up before he could hear the rest of that sentence, falling back into his seat. He put both hands on his face and sighed loudly.

He had to go back to Derry, and he had to avoid seeing Mike there too. He let out a groan, sitting up and finishing the booking process, it was only two days away, but that gave him enough time to pack everything he needed.

Those two days went by very fast. Mike tried to pay, but Eddie insisted it be free, not wanting to take money from his friend. Next thing he knew, he was on a plane to Derry, a rental car waiting for him and another traumatic nostalgia trip was in his future.

Once the plane landed, he quickly made his way through the airport, wearing a baseball cap in a poor attempt to hide his face. He got into his rental car, driving as fast as he (legally) could on the roads to his hotel room, texting Mike that he had landed, and was going to scope out the locations where Mike had claimed the creatures were.

As he drove through the streets, he began noticing the missing persons signs, it reminded him of when he was young, and there were people he knew going missing. He shook his head. Whatever those creatures were, He was sure he would stop it.

He parked his car in front of the hotel, getting a room key and making his way up with his bags. He used to be very particular where he stayed, but as the months went on with this job, he would just take what he could get.

As he settled in, he got another call from Mike.

“If you need any help, I’m no stranger to killing monsters, just give me a call” Mike sounded worried, but it also sounded like he wanted Eddie to say yes to him coming along, but the man couldn’t bring himself to ask.

“I’m fine Mr. Hanlon. Thank you.”

“Okay, most of the missing persons were last seen around the woods, be careful, the trees go on and on, outside of the town and basically into the next, which is an hour away when Driving” Mike explained a few more things about the town, which of course, Eddie already knew about.

After speaking for a few more minutes about the plan, Eddie hung up the phone, it felt so awkward to be speaking to him under his alias, it was the most disconnected he had ever felt while on the job.

Once he gets all of his hunting gear in order, he puts it under the bed, just in case housekeeping decides to come in, and promptly leaves the room.

If he had to be here for the next day or so, he could at least go out and get some food.

As he walked down the streets of Derry, he made sure wherever he would go, nobody was following, and that nobody who knew him could recognize him.

He soon settled on a cafe near the hotel, walking into the establishment and ordering coffee with a BUNCH of espresso shots inside, after all, he needed all the energy he could get. He was usually much more healthy, but on jobs, he needed as much caffeine as humanly possible.

Sitting at an empty booth in the cafe, he took his journal out, scribbling a few notes down, his plan, he never really needed a plan, but it was nice to have one. He was sure this was a simple case that would be solved in less than an hour, so he didn’t pay much mind to it.

The barista comes to his table, setting his cup of pure caffeine down. Before she could leave, Eddie pulled out a $20 bill out of his wallet, giving it to her

“Save up every cent, get out of this town, it’ll be good for you” she gave him a confused look, like she was expecting him to pull it away as a joke, but with a look in his eyes, she took the money.

The barista smiled, her eyes bright and much more charismatic than his, “thank you sir.” she pocketed the money in her apron “ and that's the plan, as soon as I have enough money, I’m leaving this hell hole--just me and my shitty van. all the way to broadway”

He nodded as she walked away. He took a sip of his bitter drink, going over his notes a few more times--now should I ambush or wait--

“Eddie?”

His heart stopped dead as he snapped his head up, hearing his name, slamming the book closed.

His eyes met Richie's, who seemed equally as shocked to see him there. They stared at each other for a few moments.

W...why is he here?! He...he can’t be here now...what the fuck?

There was something off in Richie's overall appearance, he looked very sick, malnourished, hunched over and wearing clothes that looked like they hadn’t been washed in weeks, his eyes looked like he was coming straight from the morgue.

Though his face was one of shock and confusion as to why Eddie was in Derry that night, Eddie was almost disappointed Richie was not happy to see him there.

“Holy shit trashmouth” Eddie sat up straight “What the hell are you doing here?” He motioned for Richie to sit down, which the man obliged to very quickly.

“Just passing through, I have to get down to uh… Ludlow, Maine.” to this, Eddie was confused, it sounded like Richie was making things up on the spot “I uh...got a show down there, w-what are you doing in Derry?”

He knew when Richie was lying, he always knew, he never told Richie this, but since they grew up together, he watched the mannerisms he had when lying, and could always tell ever since.

But that's because he didn’t want to look stupid, believing what Richie said. Definitely not because he liked to watch the man, and DEFINITELY not because he admired him for lying with so much ease.

Definitely not.

Eddie nodded, taking a sip of coffee “Just uh…” he quickly thought of a lie, “Visiting Mike, I wanted to surprise him, plus, wanted to get away from New York for a while”

“Interesting.” Richie’s eyes fell to the journal Eddie was desperately trying to keep hidden “Aw, does Eddie have a diary?”

Eddie let his face falter a bit, showing off his worry, pulling his journal “its it’s for work, asshat” he narrowed his eyes.

Richie, one who usually would keep poking at Eddie, slumped back a bit “Well, I gotta get going, Nice seeing you around.” he stood up, ready to walk away.

“Wait, come on.” Eddie looked up at the man, extremely confused “are you okay, man? If I'm honest, you look like shit.”

“Yeah i'm...fine.I just gotta get some...thing to eat” Richie eyed him up and down slowly, before exiting the building without another word.

Eddie just stared at the door as Richie walked away, well, not really walking, he was pretty much stumbling away.

Though as he left, the two men from before waved at Richie, like they knew him...probably just fans, Eddie couldn’t afford to read too much into things.

He shook his head, taking another sip of his coffee and reopening his book once again, Richie was probably drunk, and there was no surprise there. Eddie noticed how much Richie would drink last time they met, and this behavior didn’t surprise him.

But it was strange.

He quickly finished up his cup of coffee, placing his cup at the edge of the table, another waitress quickly coming to pick it up as he left the coffee shop, holding onto his journal tightly as he walked through Derry.

He checked his phone, a few missed messages from Mike, sharing a few more of his findings, but Eddie couldn’t bother to read them, his mind was only on Richie.

Why was he lying? What was he doing here? Questions whizzed around his head. Did Richie know something? Did Mike call him too?

Eddie sighed, he better get back to his hotel room, no use thinking about it now. He had a task at hand, and he had to get ready in the next few hours.

And that he did.

He was prepared for everything, he had a few guesses to what the monster was, a werewolf, a demon? but nothing really fit perfectly. demons kill people, but it's not like they would let people escape. Werewolves fit better, you could escape one, but they were not very...cleanly with their kills.

Whatever it was, it was going to be killed, no matter how many there were.

An alarm went off in his phone, letting the man know it was time to leave, get to the woods and start investigating.

He grabbed his bag, filled to the brim with gear, and headed out the door, texting Mike that he was headed out, and that the man needed to refrain from further messages, until Eddie had texted first of course.

He placed his phone back into his pocket, swiftly leaving the building. It was only a twenty minute walk to the forest, but if it felt like forever, his body felt shaky, like he should just turn around.

He never felt like this before, he chalked it up to nerves, with being back in Derry. Something in him still believed it could be IT, but he knew that wasn’t the case. If it was, ‘Richie Marsh’ wouldn’t be out, it would be the losers.

Before he even knew it, he was in the woods, walking down a manmade concrete pathway, exactly where Mike told him to go, trees making it seem like he was walking through a hedge maze.

As he walked down the path, it seemed to get more and more confusing, like he couldn’t even remember where he was going, but thinking it was nerves, he kept going.

His heart stopped as he heard a woman's scream break the cold silence of the night, the sound of heels clicking on the concrete coming closer and closer.

As quick as he could, he bolted towards the sound of the woman, following her voice. He carefully took out a  gun from his bag as he ran down the pathway, his finger on the trigger.

Soon enough, a woman came into his field of vision, she was wearing a black apron, a dirty white shirt caked in blood, and a tattered pair of shorts.

it was the Barista from the coffee shop, She waved her arms wildly as she ran towards him, stumbling around like an animal.

“Please! Please help me! He’s gonna kill me!”

Eddie placed the gun back into his bag, putting it on his back and grabbing onto her as she ran into him.

Her makeup was running down her face, blood all over her skin, her hair was a mess, what once was a perfect simple bun, was now tangled with branches and all kinds of dirt in it.

“Ma’am calm down its okay we just-”

“No you don't understand! We can’t stay here we have to run!” She whisper-yelled at him, grabbing his arm and pulling him into the trees, straying from the pathway. “If they find us they’ll kill us!” she pulled him into a ditch, her breath shaky and tears flooding down her face.

“Okay… Okay take a deep breath, what the hell happened?” Eddie reached into his bag, grabbing his first-aid kit, ready to seal up any wound on her.

She took deep breaths, holding onto her arms as she shivered “these two guys, he… came into the cafe I work in, He was so nice” she let out a laugh, sniffling a sob. “I was so stupid, he asked me and my coworker out, and we said yes, it was supposed to be a walk in the woods, a nice walk… “

“Where’s your coworker now?” Eddie pulled out a cloth to wipe her off with, before he could give it to her, she began sobbing.

“The man…the thing! It ate her!” she said through her sobs. “While we were walking, they… they began saying weird things, like ‘dinner is ready' we didnt know what they meant! They meant us! This man came out of the woods, i called out to him, he just looked away, I think he was one of them.”

As she spoke, he watered down the cloth, giving it to her. “he...ate her?”

She sighed, wiping her face with the cloth, “this is going to sound crazy…”  she hesitated, sniffling again as she looked at him.

“I deal with crazy almost 3 times a week, this is why I’m here, you’re gonna be okay, this is my job.”

She nodded nervously “there was another man there, he was in the trees, before we could even say anything, all three of them...grew..into giants...and… my coworkers date...he picked her up and…”

She suddenly fell into a crying fit once more, falling into eddies lap, he rubbed her back, trying to console her.

“He… he bit her in half!” she screamed through sobs. “I got away, the one in the trees just watched me, who knows how close he is.”

He felt sick as she cried, and Eddie looked away from her… this wasn’t what he expected, no wonder nothing was making sense, there was nobody, because they would eat it.

He was about to say something, as they heard the sound of leaves crunching and branches breaking. “It's not my fault you lost the bitch”

The girl froze, her cries stopping out of fear, she covered her mouth. She shared a terrified look with Eddie, who shared the same look.

“Well it's not mine either, I was in the middle of eating!” the man sounded so nonchalant when talking about murder, but then again, most monsters weren’t remorseful.

“Will both of you shut the fuck up and just get on with it?” the voice sounded eerily familiar, but he couldn’t concentrate on it now.

The three men kept bickering, and the barista nodded to eddie, pointing to the other side of the ditch, mouthing the word “run”

He shook his head wildly, mouthing the word “no” over and over, if she did this, she would be dead.

Either she thought it would work, or she didn’t care if she died, but she ran up the side of the ditch, then began dashing through the woods once again, ignoring Eddie's silent pleas not to.

Instantly two out of the three men yelled, and began running as well, though their footsteps began getting louder and louder, Eddie shrunk back, trying to hide as best as he could.

He watched in horror as one of the giants walked over the ditch, which took them only one step, right above him, then another, then another, it was too dark to get a good look at any of them from his disadvantaged point.

But luckily, with all the noise they were making, he was able to run to the other side of the ditch, running up and hiding behind a large tree, digging through his bag, the best luck he would’ve had with killing these things, was his machete, thanking god that he actually brought it.

Eddie held it tightly to his chest, slowly turning to see what was happening.

“Let me go!” the Barista screamed as she was picked up by the giant, flailing around in his grip.

“Oh I’ll let you go alright,”

She gave him a strange look, before returning to her screams as he lifted her up over his head, his mouth agape.

“I’ll let you go now”

Eddie turned back behind the tree, hearing her screams as she was dropped into the giant's mouth, he wasn’t looking, but his mind pictured it. He felt sick to his stomach, anger bubbling up inside of him

He heard the screams of the woman suddenly stop, and a silence filled the air. Eddie knew what this meant, he felt like he was ready to vomit, his stomach twisting in knots

“Y’know you don't have to drag it out.”

“What? You’re just mad because you got jack shit, maybe you shouldn’t be so picky”

Eddie listened to the three bickers, waiting for the right time to move from tree to tree, making sure they couldn’t see him as he got closer.

In his head he knew this was a bad idea, that he was going to get caught, but this was the first time he had ever actually met a victim, he talked with her, even if it was brief, it pushed him more than anything else did, this wasn’t about money, for the sake of the town, no…

It was for Her.

He took a deep breath as he prepared to move to another tree, planning to climb it and attack in a much better position.

“Ah! I thought I heard something!” Eddie froze, hearing a booming voice behind him.

He. was. Fucked.

He instantly spun around, waving the machete up, he heard the giant let out a yell as the blade bit into its hand, which was about to grab eddie.

shitshitshit

Eddie backed up a bit, before taking off in a run, but it didn’t help, another came barreling in.. barrelling in Eddie's eyes, it was pretty much just a few steps for the giant, the last one just hung out in the back, basically ignoring the interaction.

Eddie prepared to swing again, but the giant in front of him didn’t move, just smirked, catching Eddie off guard, allowing the one behind him to snatch him up.

“Shit!” Eddie yelled as the sneak attack made him drop the machete on the ground.

“You little fucker…” the giant lifted him off the ground at a speed that made Eddie sick, never in his life had he wanted to be on the ground more than he was now, the cold wind made him cringe as he was face to face with the Giant.

Surprisingly, the man looked fairly normal, he wore a plain blue shirt with some black jeans, nothing like any fairy tale would describe it.

His eyes were damn near murderous, he held up his other hand ‘look what you fucking did.” Eddie struggled in the giant's grip, which only made the man laugh, “what? Little hunter doesn’t know what to say?”

Eddie sputtered a bit, how did they know he was a hunter?

“Looks like you got dinner after all, huh Rich?”

“Don’t fucking call me that.”

Rich...Rich...that voice...is that...NO….NONONO

Eddie's head whipped around as the third giant came closer to the other two...those glasses, those clothes...those eyes.

When those eyes met him, they shared the same look, the exact same look that they shared at the coffee shop. Eddie wanted to yell, but it seemed all the sound had left his body.

That's why Richie was in Derry...

“What's the matter?” the giant holding him pulled him closer, “don’t like knowing that you’re dinner?” he chuckled devilishly, Eddie didn’t respond, too horrified at richie to even register what the giant was saying “hey fucko! You listening?”

The giant shook Eddie a bit, still nothing, he gave a look to the other stranger, who just nodded, the same devilish smile pasted onto his face.

Without another word, he let Eddie go, plummeting towards the earth.

Eddie let out a loud yelp, it was almost in slow motion for him, falling through the air, hitting the cold, hard ground, he was sure a rib or two were fractured just by the pain he felt in his chest, but the pounding in his head was much...much worse. He couldn’t move, he could only listen to what they had to say.

“Why the fuck did you do that?” Richie pushed the giant who was holding Eddie, not even caring to remember his name “you could’ve just given him to me.”

Richie's heart sank as he saw the hunter in the giant hand, Eddie, he knew Eddie was lying about why he was in Derry, Eddie was just simply, a bad liar. But he had never expected something like this, he never wanted any of the losers to find out about this. It was bad enough he was hunting in Derry, only a mere half hour from Mike.

“Why not? The little fucker wouldn’t listen, so I gave it what it deserved.”

He felt anger overflow him as the giant talked about Eddie in this way, but he stayed silent, bending down, and picking up Eddie by the collar of his jacket, his body dangling at it rose up.

Eddie could barely move, everything hurt, he knew he was being lifted up once again, but he couldn’t do anything about it, what was he to do, his ribs were broken, he was winded and he was basically a doll to these guys.

He could hear Richie talking to the two, but he couldn’t really understand it, until one sentence was asked.

“So, You gonna chew ‘im?”

This sent Eddie back into his fit of panic, adrenaline coursing through his veins, he began cursing, kicking, wildly flailing. The two giants just laughed.

“Come on richie, you can chew this once, trust me, so much better experience.” Eddie couldn’t tell which of the two giants spoke, but he begged to whatever was out there, that Richie wouldn’t go through with it.

“I’m not a fan of blood, you should know that by now.” Richie rolled his eyes, his gaze back to Eddie, his heart breaking as he watched the man flail around, knowing he was in pain by the look on his face.

“The bitch thought he was going to kill us, he cut my fucking finger! Let him have it!” the giant pushed richie slightly, Richie giving him a glare.

“He's going to die anyways, why can’t I let myself enjoy him squirm?” Richie spoke, monotone. “I like how it feels when they go down.”

It was enough to make Eddie sick.

“It's your last hunt with us, go out with a bang! You got a fucking hunter after all…treat it like it treats our kind!”

“Fuck off, let me do it.'' His tone seemed almost protective, but with Eddie hearing a low gurgle of the man's stomach, Eddie knew it was like an animal protective of its prey.

The two just sighed, watching Richie...just...waiting.

Eddie paused as the giants fell into silence, staring up at Richie with tears in his eyes, his vision was blurry, and his head kept feeling worse and worse. “Please...don’t do this…” he found his voice, only to say that.

What else was he supposed to say? It was rich! The man he grew up with, the man he fought a killer clown demon with….the man...who was about to eat him.

Richie just sighed, lifting Eddie up carefully, much more carefully than the others would even dare, tilting his head up and placing Eddie right on his tongue. Letting go of the man and shutting his mouth.

Eddie's heart dropped at the quick action, Richie not even hesitating before putting Eddie into his mouth.

The heat inside richies mouth was enough to make Eddie let out a yell, going from chilly weather and a biting wind to a human sauna was not the best transition. The sensation of the wet, squishy muscle underneath him giving him a dose of reality-- He pushed against the roof of the mouth, hoping to re-open the mouth, but from the angle he was at, the throat was just becoming him.

He attempted to climb up the tongue, but no matter how close he would get to almost getting out, the saliva around him beckoned him down the tight, hot throat.

“Let me out!” Eddie yelled, but he knew it was no use, that Richie wouldn’t let him go, not after this. “Let me out you...fucking bastard!”

This was it? This is how he would go, he fought almost every dangerous creature in the book and won but he HAD to be eaten by someone he called a friend?

He felt himself getting weaker and weaker, his breath becoming more and more shortened with each breath. He found himself almost allowing his body to be pulled and squished around by the tongue, which happily licked at him.

He yelled as richie rolled him around, coating him in thick saliva in the process, but he really couldn’t do anything about it, the fear and fatigue getting to his head.

As the throat beckoned him down, he clawed at the tongue to keep himself out of the hot, wet esophagus “don’t do this!”

His words were met with no answer, but with a swallow.

Eddie yelled as his lower half was pulled into richies throat, he couldn’t move, which made him flail around even more, this was met with another swallow, thick muscles pulling the rest of him into the hungry throat and down the man's gullet, it was almost second nature to the man.

It must’ve been only a few seconds, but it felt like hours as he slid down the esophagus, unable to move and his Eddies head spinning with anxiety.

The one word spilling into Eddie's mind was only ....”Why?”

He pushed against the esophagus in an attempt to stop himself from sliding down any further, but all the saliva clinging to him and his clothes wouldn’t let him.

Suddenly, Eddie felt his legs slip into the stomach below him, gurgles and growls heard below him. As the rest of him slipped inside the belly, the whole experience became very...very real.

His head was dizzy from the lack of oxygen in the throat, and he couldn’t stop shaking at the thought of this being the final place he would be alive, nobody would know Richie had done it.

And that's the last thing Eddie Kaspbrack remembered, before passing out completely.

----------------------

Richie paused as he felt eddie go limp on his tongue for a few moments, he was scared this was too much for the little guy and his heart gave out, but the small man began to thrash around once more, which in a dark way, got him relieved, so he could continue.

This was a disaster, he hated how he had to eat people already, but the fact that it was Eddie made everything so much worse.

Richie should’ve known something was up when he saw Eddie in that cafe, he just couldn’t focus with the hunger eating him up inside.

Now it wasn’t only hunger eating him up...it was guilt.

He rolled Eddie around on his tongue a few more times, capturing the taste of the man.

he hated to admit it, but people tasted so good. It was almost like a drug for him, nothing really could sustain him for long, except for this. The longest he could go without eating a person was three weeks, he would move town to town with his tour, every few weeks swallowing a person to keep his energy up.

He carefully swallowed a few times, his Adam's apple bobbing as he brought his head back down, he could feel Eddie sliding slowly down his gullet, esophagus stretching as he did so it felt so...normal for him, like it was second nature.

One thing he was grateful for, was that he was the only guy that night who didn’t have a meal already lined up.

The past few weeks, meeting up with these guys got worse and worse, they were cruel, but for some reason they liked him, and would not leave him alone no matter how much he demanded them to, but tonight they agreed that tonight could be their last night

They always wanted it to be Derry, maybe because they lived there, maybe because the people tasted better. Richie didn't know, all he did was agree, since he didn't want one of their victims to become someone that he cared about. .

He felt guilty knowing the fates of the other two girls, but he knew he couldn’t stop it, they chose to kill those girls, they could’ve safely eaten them, but they chose to kill, which they thought he chose as well. He couldn’t change this, and it made him sick just to think about it.

As the two other giants shrank back down to their normal height, RIchie didn’t even bother to remember the jackasses names, they looked up at him.

“Sad to see ya go! Maybe we’ll meet up again!” one of them spoke, the other just nodded, before they both walked away.

sickos...

Richie stayed silent and still until they got out of sight, before letting out a deep breath, holding onto his stomach as he felt eddies body slip inside of it, it felt so...good to have someone in there again

But all according to plan,  he felt Eddie pass out, feeling his shallow breaths as he lay unconscious in his belly.

He was going to be okay...

----

It's too hot, It feels like I’m melting...I can’t move...I have to get out of here...I have to…

Eddie's eyes snapped open at the sound of a car horn, and a familiar yell, his head throbbing and he almost jumped out of his seat, he would’ve if he didn’t have his seatbelt on…

Seatbelt?!

Eddie's head snapped in every direction as he looked around, he was in a car, a blanket covering him...not where he thought he was...did...did he actually...no...he wasn’t...he couldn’t be… he wasn’t inside of a...

Richie let out a yell as Eddie popped up, making him swerve the car violently into the left lane, then back into the right lane, causing a chorus of more car horns to indicate that what he just did was an asshole move.

“Jesus fucking christ Eddie!” Richie yelled, “you scared the shit out of me!” he kept his eyes on the road, but the shock poured off of him like sweat.

Eddie just stared at richie as he drove, he could feel his body shaking at the sight of the man… he stammered for a moment, but he was only able to get out one word.

“Y-you…” his voice cracked a bit.

He didn’t want to believe it was true, but his clothes and hair being damp pointed out that might be the case, he felt his eyes sting with the threat of tears, never before had he felt this much Terror.

“I what eddie? I saved your life, what the fuck were you doing there?! If I wasn’t there you’d be fucking dead!” Richie turned to Eddie, giving him an angry look.

Richie was angry… at him?!

As Eddie got a good glypse at Richie, he noticed the man's face was red, his eyes a bit puffy, and he was shaking profusely, not to mention the cracks in his voice and the tears rolling down his face.

Richie was crying...Richie never cries…

“You actually...you fucking ate me?!’” Eddie finally worked up the courage to yell “What the fuck man?! I thought we were friends?!” his hand fell to his side, instinctively grabbing his knife holster, though only grabbing nothing, his knife lost in the fight earlier.

Richie didn’t respond, he just kept staring at the road. This just made Eddie angrier.

“You fucking piece of shit!” Eddie pulled the blanket off of him, shivering as his damp clothes absorbed the cold air around him. “You didn’t even tell any of us, you are a fucking m-monster!”

Again, silence, but he could see richie white knuckling the steering wheel.

Eddie could feel hot tears coming down from his eyes, “what's your plan now?” he couldn’t see himself leaving this vehicle alive, unless he hopped out the car door right now, even then he had a higher chance of ending up dead. “you should’ve made it quick like those other two fuckers did” he mumbled quietly.

Suddenly, Richie swerved across a few lanes, making Eddie slam into the car door instantly, which caused another abundance of yelling and anger from the man.

Richie didn’t say a word as he moved off of the highway, onto a local road, close to the treeline of the woods, slamming on the breaks at the closest place he could pull over at.

Eddie couldn’t help but be afraid of Richies silence, his slight shakiness as he held the wheel and the fact that Richie refused to make eye contact as he cried.

“I could’ve killed you.”  Richies voice cracked a slight bit.

Eddies heart sunk hearing those words, he could feel every bit of fear he had felt before hit him once again “R-Richie...I-I-”

“I could have done everything I said I would out there, and you could imagine what they would do if I wasn’t there…”

“Richie...p-please-”

“But I wouldn’t...I...I can’t Ed’s!” Richie lost all of his composure, and began yelling “I couldn’t let anything happen to you! What the hell were you thinking going after us? You could’ve died, Killing IT was one thing, but you’re alone!”

Eddie stared at him with a shocked expression, he felt his face flush, even if he was angry and scared, he was almost embarrassed, he felt like a child being berated by a parent, he frowned.

“You. ate. Me.”  Eddie spoke, emphasizing each word. “You ate me and you’re giving me shit?”

“But you’re still alive, hm?” Richie gestured up and down to Eddie, “nothing Hurt huh? You’re welcome.”

Those words actually got through to Eddie, “how am I...not dead…”

Richie sighed, hearing Eddie's tone, not angry, just...scared. “I’m not like them, Eddie. It's safe, because I’m safe…” Richie pinched the bridge of his nose “fuck that didn’t make sense, I..Its just something I can do.”

Eddie got a good look at Richie at this point, the man was no longer disheveled, he looked like he was good as new, no bags under his eyes, he didn’t look like he was going to pass out anymore...he looked healthy.

Eddie, felt tired, nauseous, and felt like he was about to pass out, they practically switched places. t

“What did you do to me…?” Eddie asked, which richie let out a small chuckle.

“Unlike Them”  he spoke of the two like it was bad luck to even think of them “I can’t digest living things, i uh… do have to eat living creatures though” he looked at Eddie, answering before the man could ask the question “I take energy, that's why you passed out, you came on the right day honestly, i usually wait a while before eating.”

“That's why there were survivors, that's how Mike knew--”

“Mike knows?” it sounded like a stupid question, but it had never crossed his mind. “How much does Mike know?” his voice was desperate, almost terrified.

“Not much… one girl that you...let go...talked to him about what she remembered…”

Richie shook his head “Fuck!” he yelled, slamming his hands on the wheels. “I left her on the pathway, watched her wake up, she shouldn’t have known about what happened.”

Eddie jumped at the slam “She didn’t remember anything, she thought escaped on her own, Mike has no idea what's going on, he...doesn’t even know he sent me here.”

“How the fuck doesnt he know?”

This is where Eddie began to feel nervous again-- what to say?

“A simple alias and a voice modifier did the trick.” Eddie rolled his eyes “and this isn’t my first time doing this.”

The shifter's heart sank.

Richie began piecing it all together, “You’re actually a hunter…?” he asked, “Tell me your joking Ed’s, you’re fucking with me…”

The thought of Eddie being an actual hunter was almost as absurd as knowing richie was a giant. Eddie was pretty fearless, but he didn’t act like the other hunters he’d met, if Eddie was actually a hunter, Richie was most likely a dead man.

“I uh… did tell you that I’m a Risk analyzer, I just didn’t tell you what kind of risks I worked with…” Eddie looked away, almost embarrassed. “I didn’t think I’d even run into you...or any of the losers on the job… Especially if the job is on one of you.”

Richie just stayed silent, Eddie. Eddie fucking Kaspbrack, kills monsters, just like him...all the time? He just silently turned on the car, driving back onto the main road. He felt this...intimidation now, and Richie did not like it at all.

“Richie?” Eddie asked, staring at the man, who just kept his eyes on the road. “Richie what's going on…?”

“I’m going to drop you off at your hotel, and guessing that there’s only one hotel that's not a total shithole, I’m guessing that's where you’re staying.” he spoke fast, like he didn’t want to talk to Eddie, which made the other man frown.

“You’re right...but...you seem...off.”

“Finding out my best friend is a killer isn’t something I really enjoy knowing.”

Holy shit…”Richie, are you...scared of me?” Eddie asked, utterly confused. He got no answer except for Richies face turning a slight red colour.

Eddie turned a bit red, but quickly changed the subject when Richie pulled into the driveway of the hotel, parking. “Are you going to answer me, dickwad” he only added the last part to get a reaction out of the man.

Richie snapped his head over to Eddie,  “we’ll finish this talk in the hotel room, I’m not staying in this car the entire night.”

“In the hotel room? What makes you think I’m letting you up there?”

“Because you can’t fucking walk.” Richie snapped once more, pointing to Eddie's legs, “Just try.”

Eddie just nodded, giving Richie a snarky look, then getting out of the vehicle.

“See!” Eddie spoke as Richie started, just waiting.  “What was that about---!”

Eddie couldn’t finish the sentence of glory as his legs wobbled. Making him fall to the concrete of the parking lot with a painful groan.

Richie got out of the car, a smug look on his face “what was what about?” He stood, hands in his hoodie pockets, holding back a bit of laughter.

Eddie just looked up, about to yell once more, but his own fear silenced him as he had to look up at Richie again, towering over him as he was on the pavement.

Richie frowned, seeing the fear in the hunters eyes, sighing

“Fuck--Here” Richie bent down, grabbing onto eddie, pulling the mans arm over his shoulder as to stablize him and help him move.

At first Eddie pushed back, not wanting Richie to even touch him at the moment, but something made him turn red as he got so close to him.

‘Do. not. Even. think. About. It.’

The walk up to the hotel room was silent, only minor grunts or breaths from either of the men.

Richie was practically going nuts with Eddie so close again--He would never admit it, but having eddie so close to his nose, he couldn’t help but smell him once again, and he smelled so...delicious, and the fact that he was able to taste him once meant that he knew that eddie was delicious.

‘Stop it….fucking stop.’

As they reached Eddie's door, the man tried to get the keys out of his pocket, only for Richie to just grab it out of his pocket himself, unlocking the door.

“T...thanks”

“Get in.”

Eddie sighed as they both walked in, the door shutting behind them. Eddie turned red as his luggage bag was sprawled on the bed, knives visible.

Richie groaned, seeing the blades, setting Eddie onto the bed, “Have enough fucking Knives man?”

“What? Scared?”

Richie said nothing, but looked away.

“The man who Eats people alive, is afraid of me?” Eddie couldn’t help but laugh, dry and sarcastic, “and I’m not a killer…”

Richie gave him a disbelieving look, eddies laugh faded

“Well I am a killer, but it's not like that...I researched creatures like you for a while, I made like four journals just observing you guys…”

“Wow, a nerd in literally everything. Even murder” richie rolled his eyes, but it was very noticeable when his shoulders relaxed slightly, though still seemed on guard as Eddie spoke, his eyes narrow and hesitant.

“After IT,” Eddie turned away. “I realized that some of these creatures, they just want to Hurt people… and...I just can’t let that happen. So I became a hunter… it was tough at first, but i’ve gotten better.” Eddie rubbed the back of his neck nervously “B-but I don’t kill people who are just trying to live their lives, only the ones who are killing people...which doesn’t make me that popular.”

Richie gave Eddie a look, not disproving, but just...intrigued, “Damn, a hunter with a moral backbone? Where have you been all my life”

Eddie paused, “I’ve been in your fucking life” He almost felt offended “suddenly I haven’t been with you because of my fucking career choice? Newsflash fuckface, I’m still fucking eddie kaspbrack”

Richie’s eyes widened “I didn't mean it--”

“You fucking EAT people. And I still see you as my...friend” Eddies voice lowered, looking away, “trust me, if I didn’t you’d be dead.”

Richie fell silent, somehow the word ‘friend’ still hurt him. Eddie could see the hurt on his face, looking away as well.

“All the other hunters i’ve known never gave me a chance to explain” Richie finally spoke after a few minutes, “They just see me as a monster.”

“i-I’m sorry.” Eddie responded “I didn’t mean--”

“Oh shut up.” Richie flashed a smile “You get a pass, I fucking ate you. I didn’t get a chance with any others.”

Eddie couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at the comment, something so absurd about the situation allowed him to. He was a hunter, who had been eaten, and is now talking to the person who had eaten him.

“So...the other losers?” Eddie fake coughed, trying to change the subject “Do any of them know”

“FUCK no.” Richie shook his head loudly, “If they knew that I’ve wanted--” Richie paused mid sentence, sputtering, clearly not wanting that to come out.

Eddie's eyes widened, “No no no, you don't get to say that shit and NOT finish the sentence, dickweed.”

“I-I..er--” Richie couldn’t form a coherent sentence, too busy turning redder than a tomato.

“Richie...Have you thought about...Eating us...like all of us? The losers?”

At first, Richie resisted, sputtering out a shaky ‘no!’, but Eddie just stared at the man, his expression not changing, it was a trick he would use when they were kids, Richie would always break.

“Fuck you Kaspbrak!” Richie finally broke, throwing his hands in the air “what do you want me to say? There's not one goddamn day that goes by since the reunion where i don’t think about it! There! Judge me all you fucking want! It's not gonna change the fact that I wanted to Eat you!”

Richie turned red again as eddie just stared “forget it”

“Did you ever try?”

It was richie's turn to look offended “you think im fucking stupid? If I tried anything on that trip, you’d think i was IT, I wasn’t about to be killed by my friends!”

Eddie put his hands up defensively “Okay okay! Don’t get your panties in a twist! It was a fucking question!”

Richie slumped back, defeated “I’ve thought about it sure---I never planned to though!” Richie almost sounded like he was trying to promise Eddie this, rather than convince him “I never planned on telling you guys, not that you’d believe me if I did.”

“Well you didn’t exactly tell me...so you kept your plan?”

Richie gave him a ‘are you kidding me’ expression

“I will eat you again”

“Don’t make me pull out the Knives, Tozier.”

Before Richie could even say another word, a loud ringing came from the luggage bag. It was his backup phone, Eddie reached for it, Richie first shook his head not to answer, but Eddie did anyway.

“Mr Marsh? Oh thank god you answered, it's been so long I thought the worst? What happened?” Richie tensed up, hearing Mike's voice on the other end of the phone, Eddie looked at the frightened predator and shook his head, mouthing the words ‘voice modifier’ which made Richie calm down slightly, still uncomfortable to hear Mike's voice.

Though on the other hand, Richie couldn’t help but laugh at the ‘Mr. Marsh’ mouthing to Eddie ‘are you fucking serious?’

Eddie shook his head, trying to wave the man off “Sorry Mr Hanlon, I understand your concern, everything is--”

“Ed’s?”

Eddie's sentence came to a full stop as Mike said his name, and so did his heart “w-what?”

“i-I” Mike stammered on the phone for a second “Eddie is that you?”

Richie, in an act of pure instinct, snatched the phone away from Eddie, who yelled out a quick “wait!” Before Richie hung up, turning the phone off.

There were a few moments of silence, you could practically hear the two’s hearts pumping loudly and full of anxiety.

“Shit.” they both said in unison.

---------

its good to be back...again!

[imshatteredbutnotbroken]

The wonderful world of Desiree Nguyen: A character analysis

This is a season three, episode 14-18 character analysis of everyone’s favourite MacGyver protector, Desiree “Desi” Nguyen. (Or, A.K.A, my attempt at sounding much more intelligent than I am.) If people want to read more, I’ll cover the rest of the seasons.

Now, I won’t always sound unbiased in my feelings towards Desiree, but I am going to really try my best to be. And, like I said, I am attempting to sound much more intelligent than I am, so if I miss anything or sound incredibly stupid, feel free to correct me.

There are spoilers, so if you haven’t seen season three, I recommend skipping this analysis.

It’s important to note that this is not a commentary on Levy Tran herself, and that it’s only about her character (EXTREME EMPHASIS ON CHARACTER).

There is also a Tl;dr at the end of each episode summary starting from episode 15.

Let’s begin.

Desiree (hereby known as Desi) was first mentioned by (actual) fan favourite, Jack Dalton, in season 3 episode 14, Father+ Bride + Betrayal. He first mentioned her in a conversation with Mac during the wedding:

Jack: “Matty let me handpick my replacement to watch your back.  I think you’re really gonna like her. Or, kill her. One of the two.”

Mac: “That’s oddly specific. Should I be worried?”

Jack: “No, man. You’ll meet her soon enough. And, trust me, there’s nobody I’d trust more than this woman to watch your back. She is really good. Well, other than me, obviously.”  

Now, there’s not much to go on, but we do get some hints. She’s tough, she’s a badass, and Jack likes and trusts her. So, Desi’s initial set up isn’t so bad. We love Jack, and if Desi comes at Jack’s recommendation, we know she can be trusted to watch everyone’s backs. Like I said, we’re off to a good start.  

It’s also important to note: Jack specifically says “there’s nobody I’d trust more than this woman to watch your back.” Does this really happen only a season later? Honestly? It’s debatable. But, we’ll get there when we get there.

Season three, episode 15:  K9 + Smugglers + New Recruit

Desi is initially introduced — through Mac — as advertised: a tough badass who will take her job as the team’s protector seriously. While she admits to Mac that she will hate her job as their bodyguard, she is doing it because she owes Jack. What she owes him exactly, we’re still not sure. It could be anything from repaying Jack for a chocolate bar to repaying a debt to him after Jack saved someone’s life. Who the hell knows?

In the war room, at her second meeting with Mac, Riley, Bozer, Leanna (remember her?! Why couldn’t you leave well enough alone, T.V. show?!), and Matty, Desi reemphasizes that their safety is her top priority. Like I said, Desi (in her initial intro) is a tough badass who takes her job seriously.

On the mission, Cody, (our story of the week’s gun sniffing dog) immediately finds two guns on Desi’s person. She really is like Jack in that respect! But, we soon find out she doesn’t like them (she’s really not like Jack that way!), telling Mac she only carries it because she has to, will only pull a gun when necessary, and that she’d “rather put bad guys in an interrogation room than the morgue.” Another special exception that allows her to pull a gun is against “anyone who hurts animals.”

While Mac and Riley notice Desi isn’t the warmest, Riley acknowledges that Desi is well-accomplished. She was one of the first women to graduate from Ranger school, was part of a special ops team made up of SAS, Delta, and the CIA, and, apparently, “has more awards than Michael Phelps.” So, Desi is no slouch. She also impresses everyone even more when she parkours up several shipping containers to get a better view for the op they’re on. Desi proves herself again during a fight scene by single-handedly taking out several guys with guns (and gets shot in the process, her bulletproof vest stopping every bullet). Let’s add bravery to the list of qualities Desi has shown in just over 10 minutes.

Later, she talks to Riley, who emphasizes their group’s need for Desi to be reliable (and this is interesting because Desi’s reliability is questioned in episode 21 this season). Riley found out Desi went AWOL while she was in Afghanistan, and Riley wants to know why. As Desi explains, one of the Afghani civilians she was working with was kidnapped, and she went to find him. Which Desi successfully did. As she tells the story, Desi becomes emotional, showing that she does have a heart and a vulnerable side, and you can tell she is speaking sincerely. Desi is also adamant that she would to do it again. This is an interesting contrast to her behaviour during the Codex storyline, but we’ll get there.

Desi doesn’t much like Mac’s fly by the seat of his pants behaviour because she was trained to always have plan and she can’t work spontaneously. We also learn Desi is knowledgeable about some sort of technology having to with RFID chips that I can’t personally understand, and that she went to the University of Michigan.

At the end of the episode, Desi makes an appearance at Mac’s house, saying Jack made her promise to go. She leaves as quickly as came though, not wanting to get too close to everyone…in case she has to bury them. Which, I understand, but morbid, jeez. It’s also kind of odd when you think about it because Desi is the group’s protector and is responsible for their safety. But, on the other hand, she can’t fix every situation, and there may be a time when one of them gets killed on a mission. So, while I understand Desi’s hesitation, I am not entirely a fan of it. And, this behaviour is even odder considering Desi goes on to date Mac at the end of the season. I guess Mac really did break down her walls (and that’s something I didn’t notice until writing this).

Overall, we’ve learned a lot about Desi. She’s tough, yet cold, smart, athletic, reliable (supposedly), likes a plan, and hates guns and animal abusers. Seeing her introduced this way (and introduced well) is interesting because I know future storylines and have seen how much Desi has changed as a character. She was always somewhat cold, but she initially had an adamance, confidence, and determination to do what is right. Knowing how the Codex storyline in particular goes down, the way Desi changes is interesting, to say the least.

Tl;dr: As Desi is introduced, the audience learns that she takes her job as the team’s bodyguard seriously, and owes Jack for some (still unknown) reason, and that’s really why Desi is there. We also learn she hates guns and animal abusers, is brave, athletic, reliable (supposedly), and well-accomplished. She also doesn’t want to get too close to the rest of the team in case she has to bury them, so she leaves the Phoenix’s group hangout session as quickly as she joined.

Season three, episode 16: Lidar + Rogues + Duty

At the beginning of this episode, Desi is ‘familiarizing’ herself with the lab and ‘helping’ Bozer with Sparky (really, she’s flipping through a magazine and complaining about the music Bozer is playing while he works). She says she’s lending moral support, though, so, whatever works, I guess. Anyway, Bozer asks for her help with running diagnostic tests on Sparky, and Desi agrees. But, her help is a riddle that sends the robot on an endless loop for the rest of the episode. I do like her shit disturber behaviour, though, so I’ll give Desi that.

For the main operation, Desi and Mac are on a recovery mission in Azerbaijan to bring back one of Mac’s friend’s bodies. His friend, Robert Reese, was on a covert flying mission when his plane crashed, and Mac and Desi are the only ones who can get the body.

While looking for the wreckage, Desi notices that Mac is distracted. She asks him what’s going on, and he explains why he’s distracted. And, knowing that Mac feels responsible for what happened to Reese, Desi asks Mac to tell her about his friend. After Mac does, she gets angry with him and tells Mac to compartmentalize, seemingly a turn around from being caring like she was in the previous episode. But, I understand where she’s coming from because Desi and Mac have to stay focused, or else, like she says, “Matty will be sending a team to recover us.” Fair, because if Mac lets his emotions get the best of him — while he and Desi are in a country they’re not supposed to be in — he could get into a situation he can’t get out of.  

Later, we learn that Desi speaks Turkish (what can’t this girl do?!) as some of the Azerbaijani military arrive at the wreckage site. After escaping and driving away, Desi notices a parachute in the trees, indicating it’s possible Reese isn’t dead. Mac is hopeful that his friend is alive, while Desi is more logical, saying, “there are a lot of reasons why the Azerbaijani military would grab a dead U.S. pilot.” They spot footprints of U.S. Army issued boots, so their mission goes from recovery to search and rescue.

Mac and Desi are led to a small town after hearing about sightings of an injured man wearing a flight suit. There, they figure out which building Reese is hiding in. Mac and Desi find him alive but with a broken clavicle. And, while Mac provides Reese with first aid, Desi becomes all business. But, in her defence, they’re in danger, so it’s not weird Desi reacts this way.

After escaping and another mission change (this time to stopping rogue CIA agents and recovering chemical weapons), Mac improvises a plan that goes awry and has Desi and Reese held at gunpoint by the agents. Desi has to stall while Mac tries to save them and, as she talks, she uses the info Mac told her about Reese, proving Desi listened to Mac. So, while we thought Desi was being callous, she actually showed that she sincerely cared about what Mac had to say.

Later, Desi meets with Bozer to make up for sending Sparky into an endless loop. Maybe she truly feels bad, or maybe she’s doing it selfishly because she’s new. Either way, it’s hard to tell because we’re not in Desi’s head. But, I’ll give it to her because I really think Desi knows she messed up and she wants to fix it. She tells Bozer the answer to the riddle and Sparky is able to break the loop.

We are still learning about Desi, but we get so much info in the small details. My favourite part about her this episode was her shit disturbing. We also learn she speaks Turkish, prefers to be all business when she’s on a mission, and pays attention to what’s going on around her. Desi is actually quite deep in this season, and she shows that she cares about people and robots alike.

Tl;dr: At the beginning of the episode, Desi is ‘helping’ Bozer while he works on Sparky the robot. She sends Sparky on an endless loop after telling him a riddle he can’t figure out, annoying Bozer.

Desi and Mac have the main operation, which was initially a body recovery mission for one of Mac’s friends, Robert Reese. She gets Mac to open up about Reese, and then immediately tells him to compartmentalize so they can get through the mission alive.

They find Reese alive, and their mission changes to stopping rogue CIA agents and recovering chemical weapons. At the chemical weapons site, Desi and Reese are held up at gunpoint by the agents, and Desi is forced to stall while Mac saves them. She uses the story Mac told her about Reese earlier in the episode, proving she paid attention to what Mac said.

At the end of the episode, Desi goes to Bozer to help fix Sparky. She tells him the answer to the riddle, getting Sparky out of his loop, and showing Desi cares about those around her.

Season three, episode 17: Seeds + Permafrost + Feather

This episode opens with Mac and Desi in bed together. But, it’s not what you think. It’s for a mission and part of Mac’s plan to escape from the people chasing them. Desi is annoyed by the plan (because she had to get undressed) and she argues with Mac. He tries to convince her it was their best option — until the bad guys return and hold Desi and Mac up at gunpoint. I can see why she would be annoyed with Mac, but is fighting during a mission necessary? Somehow, they escape, and we can move on.

Mac, Riley, and Desi have to travel to the international seed vault in Greenland because an employee is missing. Since Mac’s dad, James (also known as Oversight), was involved in the vault’s development and planning, he’s the person to call when something goes wrong. But, James has other business, so the mission falls to Mac, Riley, and Desi.

In the vault, thanks to a comment Desi made about the employee disappearing into the mountain (causing Mac to do his Mac thing), the trio discovers an access tunnel someone dug to get into the (extremely secure) vault. And, whoever dug that tunnel killed Karl, the missing employee, in the process. There is also a possibility of seeds being stolen.  

So, Mac, Riley, and Desi use Karl’s cell phone, which he had on him, to figure out the path he took and identify which seeds may have been stolen. Mac and Desi, who plays the murderer, recreate the fight, and they’re having a ball doing it. They fight, and Desi gives Mac all she’s got. She’s not subtle or gentle, but she gets the job done. Soon, they figure out which box (one of North Korea’s) the thief rifled through, and which seeds were taken (a rare form of a pea plant).

Desi explores the access tunnel and finds a room that is scattered in schematics, seed reports, and drilling equipment. From there, Mac figures out that the pea seeds are an ingredient in making a toxin, and that the seeds can be weaponized and used to create as much of the toxin as desired. Riley discovers their thief has been making monthly payments to a flower shop in Brussels, so a plane ride it is for Mac, Riley, and Desi.

On the plane, Mac calls Bozer so Mac can find out what’s going on with James. But, after hanging up, Mac slams his phone down and Desi comments on his annoyance and asks Mac about it. He says it’s the mission, but Desi isn’t buying it. When Riley mentions it’s about Mac’s dad, Desi says that Oversight seemed distracted. And, while she admits it’s not her business to know what’s going with Mac’s dad, Desi tells Mac it is his business.

The three of them go on a chase that takes them from a cemetery in Brussels to a park in the Czech Republic. The man they are running after, named Jules, wants revenge on a crime boss named Passer for killing Jules’ wife and child after Jules testified in court. At the park, Riley and Desi fight Passer’s men while Mac starts to talk Jules (who is holding Passer up at gunpoint) down. Eventually, Jules relents, and he is arrested. Mac, Riley, and Desi recover the stolen seeds and avoid an international incident with North Korea.

Desi has more of a background role in this episode because the episode focuses on Mac and his dad. But, her fighting skills, knowledge (she helped explain the seed vault to Riley and the audience), and empathy shine through. This is particularly true when she encourages Mac to figure out what is going on with his dad. This side of Desi is nice to see because while she’s tough, she is sincere in her efforts to help others.

Tl;dr: Desi is in the background this episode, but, she displays her intelligence, empathy, and fighting skills. She also encourages Mac to figure out what is going on with his dad, saying that it’s not her business to know what is going on with her boss, but it is Mac’s.

Season three, episode 18: Murdoc + Helman + Hit

This episode opens with Nicolas Helman’s return. And he gets to work immediately by murdering an FBI interrogator in a karaoke bar. How this happened, Mac, Riley, Matty, Bozer, and Oversight aren’t sure because the last time they saw him, Helman was dead — or, so they thought — because Matty had his coffin exhumed and it was empty. Since the Phoenix is responsible for Helman, they have to figure out his next move so they can capture him.

Mac, Bozer, and Desi are with Oversight this episode. Their mission? To speak with our favourite psychopath Murdoc who is still at the Phoenix Black Site. Desi gets the Helman story explained to her, but it doesn’t seem like she entirely believes how serious dealing with Murdoc is because she asks Mac, “What kind of monster are you keeping down here? Indominus Rex? King Kong? That kid from The Omen? These questions also reveal another detail about Desi that could easily be overlooked: She likes horror and monster movies. Anyway, upon meeting Murdoc, Desi seems to get it because she has a face similar to McKayla Maroney’s unimpressed face plastered on (and, really, who can blame her?). But, Mac, Bozer, Desi, and Oversight need Murdoc’s help, so they press on.

There’s a quick scene with Bozer and Desi observing Mac and Oversight questioning Murdoc. Desi acknowledges they weren’t kidding about Murdoc and notes that James is just as much of an enigma because he’s still exerting himself, despite the toll doing so takes. Bozer thinks Desi is talking about the effects having cancer has on Oversight himself, but Desi immediately corrects Bozer and says “I meant on Mac.” So, again, there’s that compassion for others Desi has displayed since her introduction.

After getting more information from Murdoc about Helman’s possible whereabouts (because Helman has killed again), Mac, Desi, and Oversight jump into action to find Helman. They, and a Phoenix tac team, storm an apartment building with Desi leading the way with a gun. They leave Bozer behind with Murdoc (which, rude). Anyway, the team starts going up to the apartment, but before they can really make their way, James starts having trouble physically. Mac, worried about his father, tells him he doesn’t need to go upstairs, but Oversight insists. Desi encourages Mac to be open and honest with his dad, but Mac says Oversight is fine. Desi tells Mac not saying anything to his father shouldn’t be an emotional decision because lives hang in the balance. She also says she’s worried about Mac, and tells him to not get distracted. This attitude harkens back to episode 16 when Desi was worried about Mac’s emotions getting in the way of their mission. So, I understand where she’s coming from and why she’s concerned.

Skipping ahead, Mac, Desi, and James go on a road trip because Riley and Matty discovered Helman had the transportation route for an FBI transport truck moving someone who is supposed to testify in a trial against his former employees. While waiting for the FBI truck, they see another (unknown) vehicle approaching. Concerned it may be Helman and that it could have explosives in it, Mac, Desi, and Oversight have to stop the vehicle. James tries to take matters into his own hands by borrowing a tac team member’s rife, but he’s having trouble steadying himself, and Desi notices. Oversight is eventually able to get his bearings and shoots out the van’s tires. While they stop the vehicle, it turns out to be a distraction so Helman could get into the Phoenix Black Site. Desi figures out that the FBI murders and attack on the transport truck were all a ruse so Helman could kill Murdoc.  

Later, they realize Murdoc’s entire plan was a jailbreak so Mac and Oversight go on a car chase to capture Murdoc while Desi flies in a helicopter overhead (side note, I’m not really sure why Desi is there because it doesn’t seem like she needs to be. She doesn’t do anything in this scene other than fly overhead and worry about Mac). James and Mac do their thing and figure out a way to stop Murdoc’s truck. But, with Desi’s words in the back of his mind (probably), Mac tells his dad he shouldn’t be the one to stop the truck. Oversight agrees, and Mac does his thing. You can see as he tries to overtake the truck, everyone (including Desi) is concerned. Eventually succeeding in stopping and capturing Murdoc, there’s a shot shown of Desi’s relief.

At the end of the episode, Desi says she suggested security upgrades for the black site so no one can escape or attack the site again. This reflects her security knowledge because the Phoenix trusted her enough to give her the task. Again, Desi isn’t so useless and demonstrates her intelligence.  

Throughout the episode, Desi shows she cares about other people, especially since she’s worried about the effect Oversight’s need to keep going has on Mac. She also encourages Mac to be honest with his father. And this is a thread that is shown throughout these episodes. Which leads to the following questions: What happened to that particular characteristic? Where did Desi’s empathy and compassion go?  

Tl;dr: Desi’s character development takes somewhat of a backseat this episode because it mostly focuses on Mac and Oversight (again). Still, throughout their mission, Desi encourages Mac to be open and honest with his father and tell Oversight his concerns. This, again, demonstrates her empathy and her concerns for others. Mac is eventually able (probably with Desi’s words in the back of his mind) to be honest with Oversight and take over in order to do the physical labour required on the mission.

Lastly, Desi suggests security upgrades for the Phoenix Black Site that held Murdoc so that no one can break in or out again. This demonstrates her intelligence, and leads to the following question: What happened to her intelligence and compassion and empathy for others?

We learn so much about Desi in just four episodes. From her bravery and boldness, to enjoyment of monster and horror movies, she isn’t so one-note. The biggest thread is her compassion and concern for others. She wants to help people and ensure they’re safe, and Desi is adamant and determined about it. She continually displays this characteristic, especially when it comes to Mac and ensuring his feelings don’t get the best of him while they’re on a mission.

During season three, Desi is written well! She’s introduced to us based on the trust a fan favourite has with the audience and she never deviates from that. She also displays many characteristics that actually make her interesting. She’s smart, athletic, brave, and bold. So, I have to ask (again): WHAT HAPPENED?! Where did go so wrong and why?

If you want more of my character analysis, let me know! I procrastinated way too long on this, so if it seems like episode 18 is disjointed from the rest, I apologize. I had fun with this, and I feel like I like and understand Desi a little more (at least for season three).

[anrosner]

Mission Possible: acceptance & analysis

“This is your mission should you choose to accept it”

For as long as I can remember I’ve used that quote to try to explain my job to people.  My professional life is a constant journey into the unknown.  Everything I do starts with a phone call, text or email from someone I may or may not know, and they present a mission that usually seems very close to impossible.  But most often I’ve done it or something like it before, so the odds are I’m going to do it again.

The details are often vague, and purposefully so.  “We don’t have enough money, enough time or enough information, but we’re hoping you’ll help us figure all that out along the way” isn’t exactly an attractive offer, but it’s often the case.  Nonetheless, my addiction to the process of replacing confusion, misery, chaos, uncertainty and fear with the incomparable feeling of accomplishment, pride and comradery that comes with finding success in every mission I choose to accept wins out over hesitation. I take the envelope, open my laptop, and I get to work.

My current location this morning is a fitting and familiar beginning to this journey for me.  It’s 5:30AM, I’m sitting in Terminal 3 at LAX, where I find myself often enough to maintain a solid platinum existence with my chosen air travel provider.  Today, Spokane. Tomorrow, British Columbia, and the next day even further into uncharted territory.  Plane is on time, so we’re off to a good start...

But, back to the mission at hand - “Human Wellness & Technology”  

Let’s light the fuse, start this mission and see where it goes! (cue mission impossible theme)

I’m very happy with the group I’ve been assigned, but that’s not a surprise. Every person in this cohort is so talented within their specialties and chosen paths, it gives me inspiration and motivation to push my limits and reach new plateaus and do my best for them.  Along the way I hope to learn from their experiences and talents and I hopefully will be able to offer up a few tips and tricks of my own that help them along the way.

Human Wellness and Technology?  Huh?  What does it mean?  How can they coexist?  Do they coexist?  Who’s benefiting the most at the intersection of these two ideas?  Who’s benefiting the least??  How can the fortunate assist the less so?  How can we as people utilize technology to reshape behaviors in order to allow people to know more about themselves, feel better and ultimately live a better life?  I’m loving the fact that the answers to the topics we have chosen to explore all lie within the thing that creates the question itself, the internet.  Technology.  I feel like as a group we are all certain the key to a better future for all people lives online and quite possibly already exists in one form or another, but the true success will be when we as humans figure out how to help everyone on earth utilize these tools in a truly positive and beneficial way.

I begin my analysis by exploring the ideas and brainstorming of my team.  I feel very fortunate that when we all wrote down topics and directions we’d like to explore, there were immediate and easily relatable similarities, but they weren’t at all the same.  It is obvious to me that the best place to begin this process is to start learning more about the specific things that my team is curious about, and how those thoughts align with my thinking and points of view, then add in my perspective to support, challenge and contribute to the evolution of these ideas.  My plan for this mission starts with a simple recipe: 1-part team, 1-part google, 1-part me, add 3 hours, then repeat.

Before long, I immediately start to see what we all somewhat suspected.  There is a tremendous trove of information existing in the form of websites, public resources, platforms, apps and ideas that all aim to help humanity find peace and wellness for themselves within a technologically advanced society.  But at the same time the bigger and more important question begins to become more and more clear. Why aren’t these things changing things as much/fast/easily as they are designed to?  Are we doing it wrong?  Are historic behaviors too hard to change?  Is all of this wellness stuff just a luxurious and frivolous distraction for a lucky and select few, or a true attempt at making the world a better place for everyone?  Finding these answers is going to take a few more parts google, a lot more teamwork and many more hours to define.

The mission isn’t ever easy, but it’s always possible....

[sluttyopinions]

Difficulty in Dark Souls and Why We Can’t Live Without It

April 6, 2019

Written by Samantha, Slutty Opinions

The debate on the role of difficulty in video games seems to, never actually end. It feels like something people talk about literally every year, and for some reason, Dark Souls (and the many games that have followed in its influence) is always the target. It feels like something that doesn’t need much debating in my opinion, but it gets brought up often regardless. For some reason, this topic gets me really riled up and I have a lot of strong opinions on it. It feels like I’m ready to go into a tirade any  time I see it, and lately, I’ve been seeing it way too much. This article is kind of my own way of venting, as well as collecting all the arguments I’ve found in favor of how necessary challenge is, primarily in the new generation of From Soft and Hidetaka Miyazaki games. I think it’s important to address why this issue is truly a non-issue, why it came to be an issue in the first place, and why I even care. For the purposes of this article and keeping it simple, I’ll mostly be referring to one of my favorite games,

Dark Souls isn’t about being really hard

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to Dark Souls being, pretty damn hard. It’s well above average in the department of making me constantly die and wince and feel tense. It’s not the type of game you can just pick up on a whim and breeze through, yet some people clearly want that experience from it or else I wouldn’t be writing this. For some ungodly reason, Dark Souls, or at least most of Miyazaki’s action games since Demon’s Souls is ALWAYS at the center of these discussions. Dark Souls has been the go to analogy for “hard game” for most gaming writers and journalists for YEARS now to much criticism and booing all around.

It’s hard to blame people who haven’t been exposed to the actual games for having this thought process. When Demon’s Souls first came out, it was a breath of fresh air for many in a time when games were getting more and more “dumbed down” across the board. Bandai Namco, the publisher for Dark Souls, decided to use this reputation to its advantage in advertising, calling the definitive edition of Dark Souls the “Prepare to Die Edition”. Streamers caught onto the game quickly as a very easy way to get views because seeing people die and struggle can be, well, fun!

Despite all this, that’s not even close to all there is to Dark Souls. The reputation can be a bit misleading, and it feels like a lot of the easy mode begging crowd knows not much else other than this reputation when it comes to the game. Probably the absolute best aspect of the way Dark Souls was made was its world. The map design is impeccable, it’s very very difficult to find a map more lovingly designed than Dark Souls 1’s. It has so many interesting rewarding shortcuts, feels completely logical and real in the way it was designed despite being in a fantasy world, feels extremely fluid, and is loaded with detail and character. If I were to recommend Dark Souls to someone, I would start with how much I love the world itself in all its aspects. The narrative, the characters, the detail, the risk and reward. I would never even think of telling somebody “It’s really hard and makes you feel cool at the end” (even if there is truth to that statement).

Nonetheless, Dark Souls wouldn’t be worth playing without challenge

I may have said that Dark Souls cannot be reduced to simply “hard game”, but, without being hard, it wouldn’t be a game I would recommend to anyone. All the goodness and enjoyment you can find in the depths of the game is built around the base of it being not an easy time. As I hinted at in the last section, the world design is very risk-reward in nature.

You often encounter forks in your path where you must decide which path is closest to the next checkpoint, or if you want to risk your current experience for more experience and treasure on the more dangerous route. Finding your way around this fluid map wouldn’t feel like much anything without the risk involved. The reward is only rewarding because you banked your skills on that risk. On an easy mode, any path you take would feel the same. Sequence breaking into a much higher level area would not have the punishment it contains to make the rewards worth it if you could waltz into those higher level areas.

The bosses are designed around persistence and patience. The reason the bosses are interesting is because they are something you learn. Many action games are built around reflex as well as training but Dark Souls’ philosophy of design is around dying as a teacher. Not only the bosses, but you advance slowly but surely through levels each time you come back. You win some, you lose some. Enemy placement is designed in a way so that each time you memorize them more, and in a sense, the game then becomes easy. That is the end goal of your adventure, at least, mechanically speaking. Easiness would strip that functional identity from it.

An easy mode would strip Dark Souls of its narrative identity as well

The idea of people asking for an easy mode so they can see the world and story without having  to put in the time shows me that those asking don’t really know a lot about Dark Souls to begin with. As I already said, mechanically, the world would become uninteresting without the risk and reward. The writing of the game also revolves around this risk and the concept of persistence I described earlier. All you’d be doing on an easy romp is looking at a lot of brown stuff and reading cryptic item descriptions. I can’t comprehend wanting to pay for an experience like that and not just watching videos about it all that you can do for free. VaatiVidya has some great ones seriously, you don’t even have to have played the games to enjoy the videos. But, it would certainly help a lot.

The entire theme of Dark Souls is, patience and persistence. In the world your adventure is set in, humans are cursed to be undead and revived again and again. Miyazaki loves making gameplay have as little conflict with the narrative as possible, which is part of what makes his works so unique. This dying and reviving you do in game is what most people in the world around you do. However, most npcs have, limited purpose. Being a shopkeeper, being a warrior, a scholar, maybe even a cynic. Once their “purpose” they have sought out to find has expired, or they have lost confidence in it, they lose their very minds.

Your duty as the player character is to find the First Flame. Not important what that means for the sake of this article, just, your goal. The goal of many others in this world who are just like you. Because the player character is an extension of yourself, your will to find the ending, to find the flame, is imposed upon your avatar. You deciding to get up and give it another go at your true goal is like your character giving life another shot. Even in a cold, nihilistic world like that of Dark Souls, humans can find purpose and determination. Hope and patience are virtues in human beings, and they can allow us to surmount anything. That determination can even surpass the might of the gods themselves. The will to get up after being knocked down a ridiculous amount of times is what makes humans good and what makes life worth it. If you could run to the ending in 5 hours, you would not have gotten anything out of the writing in the game. All the character arcs, the crushing despair around you, the theme itself, gone. Someone could explain it to you as I am now, but that simply isn’t the same.

As I said earlier, a Dark Souls without challenge is a game I would simply never want to play. Miyazaki didn’t choose to make his games hard so tryhards and elitists could masturbate over their digital accomplishments. He makes them hard because that’s the way he feels he could make his art mean something. The way he could use the medium and the art form to the full advantage of his work in every dimension. It’s insulting to imply nothing would change with an easy mode added. I wouldn’t trust anyone who played the game on a setting like that to be able to give the game a proper analysis or review, especially not a journalist who is supposed to convey the core experience to an audience who doesn’t know what it is yet.

Dark Souls difficulty is overblown and overhyped

The reputation preceding Dark Souls is somewhat a false one. As I had previously said, saying it’s an easy or even moderate experience would be a lie. Dark Souls is definitely a hard experience, and one that serves it well as a piece of art. However, it being the “only hard game ever” as it seems to be conveyed in pop culture is a little ridiculous.

There are, a ridiculous amount of difficult games out there in the market. Many of which are much more difficult than Dark Souls and its sequels and much less forgiving. Many of which also do not have easier modes. Dark Souls gets an irregular amount of attention in the public eye and especially to lazy journalists for not much reason.

The game design in Dark Souls is built off pure willpower and the willingness to retry, not often reflexes and exact timing. It is designed in a way so that every death contributes to your end goal. Maybe on one run you opened a shortcut that makes your route easier, maybe you cleared out a miniboss that won’t respawn. Or you mastered your way around a specific enemy. There is no “game over state” in Dark Souls, and what you lose can easily be won back. The game design is punishing, but it gives you the resources to make sure you’re not losing progress or just going insane in general.

Let the artist decide their own art: Not all media has to be for everyone

In the end, an artist has the right to decide how they create, and what they create. As consumers, we reserve the right to get or not get a piece of work as well. If we feel something just isn’t good, or it isn’t accessible to us, or even just not our style, we don’t have to get it or consume it. Of course, this doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to complain about something. I complain about entertainment all the time and always make sure my thoughts on something are fully voiced even if my wishes are unrealistic.

Sometimes though, a piece of entertainment can, thoroughly not be your thing. That doesn’t necessarily mean it was poorly made, at times far from it. A personal example would be I did not like Zelda: Breath of the Wild as much as most. It was enjoyable, but more on an “average” level of enjoyable for me and I left frustrated not wanting to pick it back up, and just missing the older Zelda formula. While I do have specific critiques of the game and things it could have improved, I don’t think it’s a “bad game”. It’s amazingly made and there was a lot of love behind it. It’s just the exact adventure it was going for was not the adventure I was looking for, and that disconnect pushed me away from it.

I’ve seen people on the other side claim the statement of “not all entertainment is for you” is on its own elitist and gatekeepy but, it’s only an undeniable truth about the world. This statement doesn’t even have anything to do with the difficulty. If you REALLY REALLY didn’t enjoy Dark Souls no matter how many times you tried, making it easier wouldn’t change that. Maybe you disliked the tone, the aesthetic, the characters, the feel of the combat. All of that is valid because not everyone has to like everything. Changing some stats like health pools or damage won’t change the game design (The funny story is, I really didn’t like Dark Souls when I first tried it. I tried it maybe 10 times before it clicked, and now it’s my 2nd favorite video game franchise of all time.)

Comparing Dark Souls to other video games is quite honestly, a dishonest debate tactic. Trying to claim that “X hard game has an easy mode so, so should Dark Souls” is not very fair to it as a piece of art. Art is not homogenous or standardized, it’s art. As I explained very thoroughly before, I feel Dark Souls would be butchered had it had its challenge removed, even optionally. Some games even if designed with being very hard as its normal, can get away with easy settings for a variety of reasons. The story can be viewed through interesting dialogue and cutscenes that someone with less patience and time would want to see, it can offer a fun exploration of the mechanics in a way that makes you feel like you’re on a power trip versus on an uphill battle, etc. That choice is up to the individual game and the creator. It is clear Miyazaki and team have no interest in changing their art for the masses, and I can easily see why.

The claim against easy modes is not inherently elitist

People who stand up for my argument or parts of my argument are often targeted for being elitist gatekeepers trying to keep their precious game away from the masses. Making it easier would allow others to play it without struggling the same as the veterans, which would make the veterans insecure enough to fight against it. They earned their pointless digital trophy already and they want to keep it, all to themselves. Or at least, that’s what the people saying this stuff would have you believe.

“If the easy mode is optional, how does that bother you? You already finished the game, and now more people can play it! It’s a win-win. I can’t imagine a reason for fighting that concept other than to maintain your secret club and the status of it.” The truth is, Dark Souls fans (For the most part at least. I won’t deny elitists exist) desire more people to play their game with them, and will help anyone who seeks it. We just don’t want people playing a bastardized version of the game which as I explained, I wouldn’t recommend to basically anyone. It would be like discussing an entirely different game with people who think there is no difference. It’s not because they’re “weak” or “uncool” for choosing a hypothetical easier setting, it’s because that experience would not carry even near the same identity.

I cannot overstress the fact that Souls fans absolutely love to help. It is possibly one of the most guided games ever made. Video guides, written guides, guides of all types for all different people. The fandom is one of the surprisingly nicest, funniest groups I have known which is surprising due to how toxic the nature of fandoms tend to be, and how dark and lonely the concept of Dark Souls is. I guess this loneliness inspires people to band together in the real world, and try to make things light to contrast the nihilism often found in the world of the game? Just me throwing out crazy theories a little.

I would personally love to help anyone who wanted to try the game, the way it was designed to be played that is. I would sit beside any friend who wanted to get into it and help them until it clicks, if it ever does. The experience requires a lot of dedication and patience, so I would help teach that to others. Honestly, if it weren’t for friendly people in the community and the wonderfully put together internet guides, I never would have gotten into this series. The truth is, Dark Souls doesn’t have a magical barrier keeping gamers from playing it. The barrier is your own determination. Everyone is encouraged to try, and every single one of us as human beings have the potential to overcome it and learn it. It’s not that some people “can or can’t” play Dark Souls. It’s that some will, and some won’t. And any won’t can become a will. It’s an equal opportunity beatdown.

This argument is not actually about accessibility

Strange I had to wait until the end to get to this, since this is what the argument seems to revolve around the most. Is keeping Dark Souls as purely a difficult experience physically preventing disabled gamers from playing it? The journalists and pundits who advocate for the easy mode would like all of us to believe that. Kind of funny how little if any of those advocates are disabled or understand what disability means.

Accessibility is how, well, accessible, something is. It’s a really stupid statement but I can’t think of a better way to word it. Access is if a person can get their hands on something and experience it to the end like the rest of their peers. Is being simply, not easy, an accessibility issue? In my opinion, no, not at all. Accessibility issues include things such as good controllers, customizable visuals and user interface, customizable button mapping, fair game design, etc. None of these categories has anything to do with difficulty. Implying disabled gamers can only play point and click games is kind of insulting in my personal opinion, not that I am disabled myself so forgive any assumptions I may make.

The truth is, disabled gamers CAN play Dark Souls and similar games. As I have basically beaten to death already, the core game design of Dark Souls is patience, and determination. It’s about basic learning and trying, a very human instinct that all of us have and can use or weaponize. The gameplay is fair, and somewhat slow, and more punishes you for not being prepared or for lapses in judgement than simply not being able to press the buttons fast enough. If a gamer has the tools needed to physically play the game in as comfortable a way they can, how hard the game is shouldn’t change their access.

Difficulty, at least in a fair game, is only a test of how many times you are willing to get up and face adversity, a lesson Dark Souls tries to impart in its own story. If anything, disabled people all over the world know this lesson by heart already. It doesn’t matter how unfair the cards you were dealt are, or how oppressive your surroundings are. If you want to keep moving, and if you have reasons to keep moving, you can find, purpose. Regardless of how you were born or what life has done to you if you continue to get up you can essentially win. Dark Souls is easier than life in that way since it does have a definitive “end state” to it. An end that is accessible to anyone of any standing given the patience and drive, and resources to experience the world.

This whole debate is manufactured to an extent

The reason this debate even arose again to begin with, and why it keeps showing up over and over again is you guessed it, games journalists. Even though by writing this I’d consider myself a journalist as well, I don’t hold much high regard for the field as a whole which is not a very unpopular opinion and hasn’t been for quite a few years. The easiest way to get clicks on anything, video game news or news news, is to get people angry at what you’re writing. Hate clicks generate easy revenue. If someone sees something they agree with while scrolling, they may nod and keep going. But if they see something that makes  their blood boil, they’ll screenshot it and read it to make sick burns against it and show the mess to their followers.

Of course then that starts a cycle of people pulling said article up over and over and it generating an internet hate storm with people now defending the original point. This whole mess was the internet falling hook line and sinker for some poorly paid overstressed sap’s click scam. Probably multiple scams coalescing into one bigger mess. I admit I in writing and publishing this have fallen for it, but hey, I enjoy doing what I do, and I feel it’s worth sharing my side.

Another possible motivation for manufacturing petty crises from a journalist’s point of view as I’ve seen many point out is the simple fact that journalists face deadlines. It is a very and I mean very stressful part of their careers, and for game journalists, their deadlines are based on when they can finish a game. It’s why a lot of lengthy rpgs don’t get treated very fairly or have entire sections excluded from review, and why now these same people are begging for notoriously difficult games to be easier. The sooner they can finish it, the sooner the stress is gone and the sooner they can be paid. Having the responsibility of your paycheck based on your patience when you don’t have much time for patience can cause some to snap and write what they wrote. In the end though, I just pray I never have to read reviews of journalists reviewing a From Soft game on easy mode, because that wouldn’t be much of a review at all.

Why I even care

For those of you still reading, thank you, so much. From the bottom of my heart. It may have become clear in reading why I put so much time into this, or why I get so angry every time I see this argument come up, but it may not be. I’d like to make it very clear why. This game series is very close to my heart, and seeing people act all-knowing about it when it’s clear they haven’t touched it at all or for at most 5 minutes makes my blood boil.

On top of pretending to know game design on a game they know nothing about, they resort to cheap tactics such as guilt tripping and shaming. The whole “elitist” route trying to make the opponents seem like pretentious asses is not very mature for starters, and trying to shift the fact that they lack patience or simply don’t like a game onto being about the rights of the disabled makes me angrier than anything. I have seen many many disabled gamers become furious at these people and for good reason. I have been furious about this for a very long time now, and I hope putting my thoughts to paper will calm me, even if only for a little while.

I sincerely hope my thoughts gave you a new outlook on something or other. That is the most I could ask for as a writer. If not, and you still read this far, I hope I made your day brighter.

[n3rdybird]

Inamorata

Writen for @bookcaseninja ‘s 300 Follower Challenge.  If you love Karl Urban and all of his many forms, follow this blog.  This one is written about the very broody, Commander Vaako from Chronicles of Riddick. Please enjoy!

Vaako x Reader

Prompt: soulmate AU where you can feel the emotions of your soulmate.

Rating: Teen (some making out, hinting at sex, nothing explicit)

Warnings: Mentions of an affair/technically reader is the "other woman". (For now ;) ) Some cursing. Slight mention of depression.

The Necropolis was darker than usual, the night cycle now well underway.  You were still working, your eyes pouring tirelessly over holopads and papers.

When you converted, your talent for xenolinguistics and studies did not go unnoticed.  If it there was one thing the Necro faith was adept at, was placing converts into appropriate roles.  After your time as an initiate, you were put to work in analysis. You were charged with translation and filing of the conquered civilization’s breadth of history and culture. Necros weren’t complete barbarians and did not celebrate the loss of knowledge.

However, with the death of Lord Marshal Zhylaw, and the ascension of Lord Marshal Riddick, the conversion campaign was halted.  Instead, your time was mostly spent on Riddick’s greatest desire, the rediscovery of his home world, Furya.  Destroyed years ago by Zhylaw, most if not all of the information pertaining to the planet and race were destroyed.  You were hoping to piece together snippets of information left behind.  A word or phrase, anything that could help.

As you rubbed the bridge of your nose and leaned across to the table to grab an errant tablet, a zing of arousal zipped down your spine.  You smiled as a body crowded yours from behind, a muscular arm plucking the wanted tablet from out of your reach.

“You are up late,” the ordinarily stiff voice murmured into your ear.  He set the pad down and spun you around.

You were dwarfed by the tall Necromonger Commander, as he caged you between his arms.  You leaned back on your hands so you didn't have to crane your neck to look at him.  You raised a brow.

“As are you.  Won’t Dame Vaako be missing her dear husband this night?”

You allowed your gaze to drift over the man in front of you.  Siberius Vaako, Commander and somewhat reluctant right-hand of the Lord Marshal, husband to Dame Vaako.  And your soulmate.

His emotion twinged with annoyance at the mention of his wife, and you reached out to tuck a lock of hair that had fallen loose from his hairstyle. You allowed your emotions to flow across your bond to soothe him.  He leaned into your hand.

“My wife is asleep,” he said curtly, picking you up and setting you on the edge of the table.

“But my One is right in front of me.”

You bit your lip as he ripped your long skirt, allowing your legs to spread as he took his place between your thighs.  As he trailed his hand up your leg, you hooked it around his waist pulling him closer.

Tangling your fingers in his nape, you guided his face closer to yours.  He trailed his lips along the smooth column of your throat, placing soft bites and kisses.  When he mouthed against your conversion scar, you shuddered, gripping his arm.  You dipped your head back at the sensation, your bond going haywire from all the stimulation.  Love. Lust. Affection. Urgency.

When your grip tightened on his hair, he growled and pulled you flush against him.

“Careful woman, you do not want to test me,” he grunted against your ear.  It had been several cycles since you had a moment alone, and his body seemed wound tight.  You could only imagine the stress he was under.  Riddick was continually ruffling the feathers of the more traditional Necros, especially since he had halted the conversion campaign.  And Vaako was doing his best to keep the peace.  For some reason, Riddick trusted Vaako or at least knew he wouldn't try to kill him.  

You drug your nails against his neck causing him to shudder.  The pressure of his large hands against your hips would be painful if you were still a breeder, but instead, it made you feel powerful to bring the stoic man to the edge.  And you wanted to fuck the tension out of him.

“I won’t break,” you said breathily.  He swiped the data pads off the table, pushing you down, one hand on your shoulder, the other thumbing your knee.  The irises of his eyes were blown as he stared at your body.

“Let us test that theory,” he said, hooking your leg around his waist.

You awoke sometime later, the lights still dim from the night cycle.  You were curled into Vaako’s broad form.  In sleep, he seemed less burdened, younger.  Even his Necro skin seemed less pallid.  You traced your finger across one of his many scars, careful not to wake him.

You had all but given up your search for your soul mate.  Soul mates, were tricky, to say the least. With such vast space, it was almost unheard of for one to find their soulmate.  You had gotten many sympathetic pats on the shoulder, as your friends and family told you to move on.  The only clue you had was the emotions your soulmate passed through to your bond.  Knowing he was out there, somewhere, even though light years might have separated you, kept you optimistic.

When your bond seemed to have severed, you cried for days, thinking the worst.  Surely, your soul mate was dead.  So when the Necromonger’s came to your planet, the Purifier’s words beckoned to your broken heart.  You welcomed the idea of trading your pain for numbness, to embrace the idea of the Underverse.

And then, one morning as you were tending to your initiate duties, you felt it.  The familiar ebb and flow of your soulmate’s emotions.  

The conversion process weakened the bond over a long distance. So when Vaako converted, years before you, it was easily believed that he was dead.  The phantom emotions teased at you, you were unsure of what trick the universe was playing on you.  You confided in the Purifier, thinking maybe your conversion wasn’t complete.  It was then you first saw the slightest smile on his face.  Not the sad repentant expression he usually wore, but his eyes seemed to lighten a fraction. He cupped your hand in his and told you there was nothing to fear.  

And then one day, you felt emotions as strongly as if they were yours.  It was a combination of tension and irritation.  You couldn’t keep the hope from bubbling up as you scanned the crowded atrium.  Inadvertently you reached across the bond, hoping to pacify the brusque emotions.

When Commander Vaako’s eyes met yours, you knew.  He was your soulmate.  And then the slinky form of Dame Vaako tucked herself into her husband’s side.  You felt your hope diminish, wishing that the conversion process had deaded your emotions and not just your nerves.  And from his expression, he could feel it as well. Regret.  Despair.  To have gone through everything you had, losing all hope of finding your soulmate.  And there he was.  Married.  Unattainable.

You tried to stay away, as did he. He may not have loved his wife, but he still had his honor.  You could feel his gaze and his bond, hovering around you, but never coming close.  Only when her more scheming side came out, twisting his thoughts, did he seek you out, needing the comfort only a soulmate could provide.

It started naturally enough, polite conversation and lingering glances.  You had been hurrying through the cavernous halls, tripping when your heeled boot caught the long skirt all nonmilitary women wore.  You clutched the datapads to your chest, not wanting them damaged.  When you braced yourself for the hard marble floors, a pair of strong arms aught you easily.

As you stood, Vaako didn’t say a word, clutching the bare skin of your arms.  The feeling of his hands almost felt warm, something you hadn’t felt since you had converted.  This intimidating, cold man was your soulmate.  And all you could feel was warmth.

Unsure of how to proceed, you met in secret.  Late night trysts and stolen moments in abandoned hallways.  You were always careful.  Dame Vaako wasn’t known for her kindness.  Her vindictive streak ran miles wide.  And you cherished every moment you had alone with him.

You glanced back up to find Vaako watching you with this dark eyes.  He tucked your hand in his, tracing your much smaller hands.

“It’s almost the morning cycle,” you said softly, not wanting to get up.

He didn’t respond but leaned down to capture your lips with his.  Your brain fogged as you lost yourself in his affection.  When he pulled back, he thumbed your cheek.

“Soon, my One.  No more sneaking around.”

You nodded, leaning into his hand.  You wished for that more than anything.  But until then, you would relish the time you spent together.  After all, you were soulmates.  Til Underverse comes, and beyond.

You were straightening the mess you and Vaako had made of your workspace when you felt eyes on your back.

You spun around to see the Lord Marshal watching you with interest.

“Lord Marshal,” you gasped, dropping to your knees.

His brow quirked above his goggles as he shook his head.

“You know I don’t like that shit,” he said, his voice deep and flippant, pushing off the wall.

You stood hastily, gathering your papers and tablets.

“Of course, my apologies.”  You always felt nervous around the Lord Marshal.  You had seen how he had dispatched Zhylaw, and how easily he seemed to brush off any enemies.  He was quiet, usually observing the Necropolis.

He stalked around the room, glancing at your work.  He'd pick up a tablet and thumbed through it, before tossing it back down.

“I haven’t found anything of note since our last meeting,” you explained, watching as Riddick continued to circle the room.  The silence in the room was deafening.  He hadn't said why he was there, and you were afraid to ask.  He tilted his head and sniffed the air.  Riddick laughed, the low rumble confusing you.

“Lord Riddick?”

“No wonder Dame Vaako has been sniffing around.  Seems like Commander Vaako has been getting his elsewhere.”

You froze, not sure what to say.  Everyone said Riddick was part animal, and apparently, his sense of smell was keen.

“You know, you could always kill her.  Then Vaako would be yours.  Keep what you kill right?”

You let out a nervous bark of laughter but quickly pinched your mouth shut.  Of course, you had thought of that.  But you never voiced the idea out loud.  

Riddick nodded at your workstation as you stood there shellshocked.

“Let me know if you find anything else,” he said with a smirk as he left the room as quietly as he entered.

Was that approval from the Lord Marshal?

You shakily pulled your chair out and sat down.  Keep what you kill.  It was a long-standing tradition in the Necro culture.  Kill Dame Vaako, and be able to take your place next to your soul mate.  There would be no formal repercussions, but the Dame's influence was long reaching.  Not to mention the personal ramifications for Vaako.  You were just a lowly worker.  While on the surface, the Necropolis functioned on merit, it would be foolish not to underestimate the backroom deals and politics.

You shook your head and picked up your tablet.  No point in worrying about it right that moment.  Vaako seemed to have a plan.  You tried to focus on your work, but Riddick's teasing voice kept repeating in your mind.

Keep what you kill.

[green-eyeddragonfanfiction]

War of Attrition: Chapter 19

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier x Reader Summary: Best friends with Steve Rogers, renowned Howling Commando, and married to one James Buchanan Barnes, your life wasn’t perfect, but it was as close as it could possibly be in the middle of World War II. Then you fell from a train in the Alps, and everything changed. You spent nearly 70 years as a tool of Hydra alongside your beloved, though your past with him was more often than not forgotten. You and Bucky take steps to protect yourselves, which leads you back to New York. Warnings: Swearing (always), mentions of: past torture, death, blood, weapons. Allusions to PTSD. Word Count: ~4,557 A/N: Next Chapter will probably start the events of CA:CW. Also, I’ll probably be busy starting to write things for Spooktober. There will likely be a special taglist for Spooktober fics that will tag you in things including but not limited to Monster!Character one shots, A Night to Remember, and A Dance with the Devil. Keep an eye out for it!

Masterlist // Book One // Book Two

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

“Ready to go?” he asked a moment later as he stepped up beside you. His blue-grey eyes searched your face for any flicker of emotion that would set off warning bells, but for the first time in a long time, your head wasn’t a complete mess. Or, at least, you had one burden among hundreds taken from your shoulders.

“Yeah, Buck. Let’s go home.”

“I have the analysis you requested, Misses Barnes.”

You glanced up from the drone you’d been working on. Installing the new targeting algorithm was taking some time, but it would hopefully ensure they’d never fire with deadly force on any human... though the same could not be said for aliens and robots. Factoring in variables for mutants and other enhanced individuals had been especially tricky, but you’d enjoyed tackling the challenge with a single-minded purpose.

The screen in front of you was slowly rolling through information, finally ending on a summary:

Matthew Michael Murdock.

Hell’s Kitchen; New York, New York. United States of America.

Lawyer Daredevil.

You stared at the screen for a second, taking in his face in the professional and candid photos alike. It only took a glance at the first picture to notice he was blind. “That would explain the mask...” you muttered as a couple low-quality shots of Murdock with a scarf tied over the top of his head flicked across the screen. “You sure about this, Al?” you asked the air around you. A frown crinkled your brow. It wasn’t exactly easy to identify the blind lawyer as the nearly superhuman vigilante.

“Quite, madam. I believe Mister Murdock is one of the only people on the planet with the correct disposition, life experience, and skills required to assist you. He is, put plainly, your best option.”

That only made you frown harder at his picture, though. Talking to him- going to New York- it was a huge risk. You were so lost in thoughts you nearly missed Bucky walking into your workspace, but managed to notice his presence before you accidentally fried him to a crisp on reflex.

“Did Alfred get a hit?” he asked, voice hoarse and deep from having just woken up. You glanced at the clock, nearly wincing when it showed the time as 4:38 AM. He walked up behind you, wrapped his arms around your shoulders, and placed his chin on the top of your head.

You hummed an affirmative, though your frown didn’t abate. After a second, you could practically feel Bucky grimace, too. “New York...” he muttered, obviously perceiving the same issues as you.

New York was dangerous. It was where Hydra had recaptured you once before. Tony Stark lived there. The population was huge, which meant it was easier for people to blend in... and that it was all the more likely that you’d be recognized. Undoubtedly anyone looking for you would be keeping a close eye on the city.

“Even with possible dangers taken into consideration, I believe Mister Murdock will be the most likely to assist us,” Alfred insisted. You wondered briefly if he was capable of being upset with your and Bucky’s apparent lack of faith in his assessment. You’d have to check later and possibly apologize.

“If you’re sure, Al,” you said after a long minute. Bucky sighed deeply and squeezed you gently and you didn’t have to look at him to know he was discontent with the idea.

“Quite, ma’am.”

“Then ready travel plans for New York, please,” you said somewhat reluctantly. You reminded yourself that trusting Al was tantamount to trusting only your own best decision making skills, as you were the one that had designed the artificial intelligence in the first place.

You turned in the old rickety computer chair and Bucky loosened his arms enough to move, taking a small step back and straightening a bit. His eyes were stormy, concern obvious even with the dark circles under his eyes. “Did I wake you up?” you asked quietly as you reached up to run your thumb over his cheek. He leaned into the touch, eyes closing briefly at the light contact, then shook his head. “Nightmare?” you guessed with a frown.

A shrug, then, “Dunno.... Can’t remember. Come back to bed?” he murmured, extending a hand out towards you.

You smiled softly, ignoring the fact that you couldn’t come “back” to bed seeing as you hadn’t been there in the first place, and dropped your hand from his face to take his offered hand, standing with only slightly wobbly legs. You’d been sitting for... ten hours? It never felt like long when you got to work, but somehow the time always managed to flash by.

Time passing by in a blur hadn’t changed, even without the icy clutches of cryofreeze to speed the process along.

You expected Bucky to just walk into the other room with you, but he picked you up with ease and practically threw you over his shoulder. You smiled, surprised, and muffled your huff of laughter in your hand. Whatever had woken him up (it might have even been Alfred, telling him to come collect you), it definitely wasn’t a bad night. This was just sleepy, possessive Bucky, not unlike how he was before... everything.

You found yourself on the mattress on the floor not five seconds later, landing gently, as Bucky had been careful to lower you slowly before letting you fall the last few inches.

He was beside you in an instant, reeling you into his chest with one arm while the other grabbed the sleeping bag you used as a blanket and pulled it over both of you. It was just big enough to cover you two like this, though you were pretty sure Bucky’s feet poked out the end and over the bottom of the mattress (not that he ever complained).

“Goodnight, Buck,” you whispered even as you began falling asleep, more tired than you realized now that you weren’t in front of your bright monitors.

“Night, Doll,” came the immediate, nearly-incomprehensible response from your practically asleep husband. You smiled and let yourself relax in his arms. Like this, it was easy to ignore the anxiety of knowing that you’d have to go to New York tomorrow.

You fell asleep to the sound of Bucky’s soft snores.

Curvy cars, posters about the war, dames in modest dresses, and fellas in hats.

You blinked and the past vanished like fog chased away by the sun, revealing the truth- the present- underneath.

“That used to be a butcher shop,” you murmured, nodding your head towards a skeevy-looking pawn shop with bars over the windows.

Bucky paused his subtle scouting long enough to give it a glance before his eyes returned to rooftops and alleys and shadowed doorways. “You went to Manhattan a lot?” he asked quietly.

You pressed even closer to his side as a small group passed. You’d checked them for weapons the moment they’d turned the corner, but that still didn’t stop you from being wary around strangers. People didn’t need guns to be dangerous. As if sensing your distress Bucky’s arm went around your shoulder, leaving his left arm free if he needed it.

“Sometimes,” you admitted as soon as they were out of earshot. “I lived all over New York at some point or another. Most orphanages couldn’t get rid of me soon enough and no one in their right mind was adopting during the depression. It was better to explore the city and pickpocket greenbacks from rich jerks than sit in the orphanage and listen to my stomach rumble.”

Bucky stopped looking at the shadowy corners of Hell’s Kitchen at that, nearly slowing down as he processed what you said. “You... remember that?” His brows were pulled up ever so slightly in the middle and you fought the urge to look away. That was a pitying look if you ever saw one.

As if you had any right to pity anymore.

“More or less. I filled in the gaps the records left,” you admitted. It was almost a relief that the building you needed finally came into view as you and Bucky turned the corner. “Show time, sweetheart,” you said with what you hoped was a bracing smile as you stood on your toes and placed a kiss to Bucky’s cheek.

Judging from the conflicted look he gave you, you weren’t completely successful.

The door was between a residential building’s entrance and an old electronics repair place. The little gold and black placard on the red painted wall could easily be overlooked, but it was exactly what you were looking for.

“Nelson and Murdock,” Bucky murmured, giving it and the building a cursory once over. 

You opened the grating-covered door and led the way inside and neither you nor Bucky relaxed in the slightest until the door clicked shut behind you.

Four flights later you were greeted by gold lettering, “Nelson and Murdock Attorneys at Law.” You knocked on the door and opened it quietly when a voice on the other side called “Please come in, it’s open!”

A pretty, tiny blonde with blue eyes was sitting at the desk, smiling at you and Bucky politely.

“Hi, uh-” She fumbled a bit with the papers on her desk. Her cheeks tinged pink and you could tell she was growing more flustered by the second. “Sorry, I’m still not quite used to us having clients and- Did you have an appointment or are you here to-”

“They’re here for me, Karen. My two o’clock.”

All three of you looked up at the newcomer. Matt Murdock stood in the doorway, tense but projecting a sense of calm and control, likely to ensure the woman- Karen- didn’t catch on to the danger you and Bucky posed.

“Oh!” she smiled nervously and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She glanced at the old clock on the wall and then nodded. “I was so busy I didn’t realize how late it had gotten. Are you ready for them?” She directed the last question at Murdock, who took the entire situation as smoothly as he could.

You could see him work it through in his head: Get the threats away from civilians. Don’t make a move before you ascertain the situation.

“Yes, of course. Please, come in,” he said, stepping aside and sweeping an arm wide and gesturing both of you into the room.

You and Bucky gave Karen polite smiles and stepped quickly inside. The door shut softly behind you, but neither you nor Bucky missed the lock sliding into place.

“Please; the blinds, if you would,” Murdock said, voice only slightly strained as he maneuvered the room as though he had 20/20 vision.

You moved over to the window that looked out into the waiting room and flicked the blinds closed, turning them down until no one could see in or out of the room. Bucky and Murdock were already seated and, for all intents and purposes, staring balefully at each other by the time you took your seat.

Murdock’s jaw worked dangerously for a moment before he finally collected himself to speak. “I don’t know who or what you are but if you try to hurt-”

“We’re not here to hurt anyone. We don’t want to hurt anyone.” You felt a little bad for cutting him off, but he had to believe that before you could get anywhere. Your lips quirked up into a tiny sardonic smile. “I also find it a little hard to believe that you don’t already at least suspect who we are. We know who you are, after all.”

“Is that a threat?” Murdock responded instantly, and you kicked yourself for your poor phrasing and timing.

Bucky frowned and you could tell it was taking all of his attention to appear as anything but an aggressor. “No, but it is why we’re here.” 

You reached into your pocket and froze when Murdock practically teleported out of his chair and lunged toward you. Bucky’s hand shot out and stopped his hand midair and you stared at the two of them, tension coiling your muscles tightly. “Please, it’s not a weapon. It’s a device I created for you to use.”

Murdock didn’t back down and you could tell he was straining against Bucky’s cybernetic arm. Bucky was far stronger, but he’d stayed in his seat and, as such, had to work harder than he otherwise would have had to keep Murdock at bay. “What kind of device?” he spat, just quietly enough that you knew Karen and his associate- Nelson- wouldn’t hear.

“I call it RAR: Responsive Archive Reader. It will allow you to access every file we’ve managed to collect on ourselves. On... our past. On what we’ve done. What was done to us,” you nearly trailed off, but being able to talk about your tech brought you back. “Everything is sorted and tagged by date, organization, place, and just about anything else you could think of. It can either read it out to you or its surface can change to spell it out in braille. You can even ask it to look up certain information,” you said, voice regaining some of its confidence the longer you talked.

At that, Murdock finally stopped trying to get at you and took a half step back. “Your files. So you are...” he trailed off, as though he was unwilling to say those cursed names.

“The Winter Soldiers” hung unspoken in the air.

You weren’t willing to say them, either. Even after sweeping the building for bugs as you came in, it was too dangerous. “Yes,” Bucky confirmed quietly. 

There was a long pause where Murdock didn’t move. If you didn’t watch his chest closely you would have questioned if he was even breathing. “Why come to me?” he asked finally, still not sitting back down.

You gripped the cell phone-sized piece of tech in your hand and frowned, finally unable to look at him.

“Because we’re hoping you’ll help us,” Bucky said after a long pause.

Murdock frowned and canted his head ever so slightly to the side, which immediately piqued your interest, but you kept your mouth shut. “Before I decide what I want to do, you have to answer some questions for me.”

You and Bucky glanced at each other and he nodded imperceptibly. You both looked back and Murdock, but it was you who spoke up. “That’s fair. Go ahead.”

“Are you a danger to my friends and clients?”

Ah, shit. One of the toughest questions right out the gate.

But if your suspicions were correct, lying would get you nowhere. “Yes. We’re a danger to everyone, including ourselves.”

“But we don’t want to be,” Bucky added. You didn’t have to look at him to know he was frowning or that he was reaching for your hand. Your hands met halfway and your fingers laced together. It was Bucky’s left hand and, as you suspected, Murdock seemed able to track the movement more easily than he had any right to.

Murdock’s frown stayed firmly in place. “You know who I am? What I do?”

“Yes,” you responded instantly.

“Do you intend to blackmail me using that information?” he asked just as quickly.

“No,” Bucky rasped.

“Why me?”

“Because of what you do,” you said quietly.

“You mean being an attorney?” he asked, brow creasing just a little more.

You winced, knowing what he was hedging around. “Both.”

“Taking this case will put me in danger.”

It wasn’t a question, but you took it like one. “Almost indefinitely.” 

He took a moment to consider that, then, “Do you regret everything you’ve done the last seventy years?”

“Yes,” Bucky responded instantly, just as you said-

“No.”

Bucky turned to stare at you and Murdock tilted his ear a little more in your direction. “Care to elaborate?” he said just a bit flatly, menace creeping back into his voice.

“I don’t regret fighting against the people who tried to control me whenever I got the chance. I don’t regret trying to escape. I don’t regret forming a bond with Natalia Romanoff, or trying to save Mila Hitzvig and Ran Shen. I don’t regret stopping Hydra’s takeover of SHIELD or saving people in Sokovia. There’s more, but...” you frowned as your brain tried to conjure up more examples and failed. “I can’t... my brain doesn’t always cooperate. I’m sorry.” Bucky’s hand squeezed yours gently.

“I spoke without thinkin’. She’s right. There are things I don’t regret doin’ these last seventy years, though they’re by ‘n’ large the outliers,” Bucky agreed quietly, giving you a fond look before he turned a hard gaze on Murdock, who you knew Bucky still saw as a threat.

He gave you and Bucky a moment before forging onward. “Why not contact Rogers or Romanoff? Surely they’d be willing to help.”

You grimaced and knew Bucky’s face had probably done something similar. “Lotsa reasons,” Bucky began in a wary voice. “Some’a which will be answered if you listen to my girl’s device. The main reason is that contacting them brings in the rest of the Avengers...”

“And we’re poised to ruin everything Steve and Tasha have built for themselves,” you finished.

“Are you protecting them or yourselves?” Murdock asked shrewdly.

You and Bucky both had to fight back a wince. “Honestly? Probably both,” you admitted quietly.

He nodded as though that had answered a very pressing question. “And what are you hoping to gain from hiring me?”

You and Bucky exchanged a look. “We’re hopin’ it won’t come to you havin’ to do anything,” Bucky said quietly.

Murdock stared at him as though waiting for him to continue. When he didn’t, you explained, “This is a doomsday protocol, of sorts. It’s our hope to just... hide. From everyone. Everything. Your services would only be needed if someone finally captures us. That someone being a government.”

“And if I decide I don’t want to help admitted murderers?” Murdock asked after a second. He shifted to his other foot, obviously ready for a fight.

You shrugged. “Then you throw RAR into the Hudson and pretend you never saw us.”

“That’s it?” he asked skeptically.

“That’s it,” Bucky confirmed.

A longer pause this time, then, “And if I try to bring you in? Alert the authorities?”

“We incapacitate you and anyone else who tries to stop us, then escape,” you said stonily. You prayed it wouldn’t come to that.

But Murdock only nodded again, looking a little grim. “I’m going to be honest- I don’t feel comfortable taking this case unless I know more.”

You tried to smile, but you knew it was a grimace. “All yours, Mister Murdock,” you said as you slid RAR across his desk. You took it as a good sign that he picked it up without hesitation. “You can tell it to turn on and off by saying ‘RAR’ and then ‘on’ and ‘off’ and tell it to look for specific tags by saying ‘RAR conduct search’ and then tell it what you want it to search. Switch between reading modes by saying ‘braille’ and ‘voice’. It’s quite intuitive, really.”

He palmed the device carefully as though searching for hidden traps or weapons but seemed to ultimately decide it was safe because he pocketed it a second later, still looking serious. “And how do I contact you if I decide to take the case?”

You blinked dumbly at him and it was Bucky who recovered first. “You can’t contact us, Murdock. It’s too dangerous. For all of us.”

Murdock raised an eyebrow at that. “Then how will you know if I’ll take your case?”

“We won’t,” you answered quietly.

“But we hope that you do,” Bucky added just as quietly but with an earnestness that had you squeezing his hand.

Murdock leaned back in his chair, brow furrowed. You expected him to say something, but he remained quiet for a long time- long enough for both you and Bucky to have to fight the urge to shift in your seats. “Why me?” he asked finally and just a little accusatorially.

Bucky blew out a long breath at that and sank back in his chair, having already thrown in the towel on this particular question. He did, however, give your hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Because you’re our best option.”

Murdock only frowned deeper and leaned forward. “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

You sighed and took a moment to collect your thoughts, annoyed at how long it took you to find the right words. Being out and in the open like this was really getting to you. “You’re good. As in, a good person. One of the best. Could give Rogers a run for his money. I looked into your work. Your hobby, too.” Murdock’s face darkened a bit at the allusion to his other identity, but you barreled on. “Our situation isn’t normal. Neither is yours. If your heart is even half as big as I think it is- or if you care about the truth at all- then you’re the only person in the world that will give us a chance... without Steve Rogers backing us up or Natasha Romanoff threatening you.”

It was a weak attempt at a joke and, as expected, Murdock’s lips didn’t so much as twitch. He did, however, seem to find your answer acceptable. “So what? I’m just supposed to build a case? Without talking to either of you? And that’s assuming I take the case to begin with.”

You nodded to his pocket, forgetting he couldn’t see you (though you had a feeling he “saw” more than he let on). “It’s all on that archive. Everything we can remember. Everything we’ve scrapped together from files and data. It’s a more reliable source than we are most days. Things- the memories- they fade in and out.”

“But the things on that drive- they’re things we’ve looked into. Things we both remember. Should be the most complete and accurate file on us anywhere. I’d recommend keepin’ it close,” Bucky said gravely.

Murdock nodded at that, hand making an aborted motion to his chest pocket before he returned his hands to his desk and fiddled idly with a pen (that you had no doubt he’d use as a weapon the moment the need arose). “I’ll review the file as soon as I can. Is there... anything else?” he seemed slightly off kilter, not that you could blame him. Two world renowned assassins had just sauntered into his office and asked him to defend them in court, after all.

“No, that’s ever-” you froze when Bucky gave your hand an urgent squeeze. You glanced over at him and he gave you an expectant look that sent you thinking. Then it hit you. “Oh!” you said quietly, lips twitching up at Bucky’s smitten half smile. “You just received a large anonymous donation to your firm. I suggest using it to fix this place up a little bit... or perhaps getting an air conditioning unit. It’s going to get hot soon.”

That, however, made Murdock prickle like a porcupine, but Bucky was already heading him off at the pass. “It’s clean money, Murdock. My girl made it from patenting some crazy energy efficient electric engine or something like that.”

“But I don’t even know if I’ll take your case yet,” he argued stubbornly.

You peered at him, gaze too old for your face. “No, but you and your partner do good work here. I’ve read about your cases. It’s a worthy investment of my money.”

Murdock still looked dubious, but he decided to let the subject drop. “Then our business is concluded?”

You and Bucky stood at the same time, as slowly and non-threateningly as you could, but Murdock still practically jumped to his feet. “Yes, Mister Murdock. We’ll be on our way.” You stared at him, hawk-like, for any sign that he’d try to stop you. He hesitated briefly before walking past both of you to open the door. Bucky tugged you close to his side as you walked out. You paused to give the secretary- who was looking at you and Bucky with a little bit of confusion- a wave which she returned with barely concealed surprise and a tentative smile.

You were almost out of their small office when the door opposite Murdock’s opened and a man with shaggy blond hair and an infectious smile (which almost immediately turned into something more professional upon seeing you and Bucky) walked out.

“Oh! You must be Matt’s two o’clock,” he said brightly, though you could see the small flash of greed in his eyes. “I trust your meeting went well and you’ll be using our services mister and misses...?” he trailed off, looking between you, Murdock, and Karen inquisitively.

Foggy Nelson. Murdock’s business partner. Good heart, but perhaps more practical than Murdock, which often comes off as unsavory priorities... namely, making money.

A quick glance behind you told you Murdock was as tightly wound as a spring. You turned what you hoped was a melancholy smile on Nelson. “I’m afraid Mister Murdock declined our case. We... didn’t see eye to eye on some issues,” you said softly. It was better this way- his coworkers wouldn’t pester him about your case.

But Nelson looked at Murdock with such disbelief and exasperation that you wondered if you’d made a mistake.

“We can’t pay anyway,” Bucky added smoothly.

At that, Nelson’s face turned the kind of fake polite that was usually only mastered by the most obnoxious, self-absorbed people.

“I see. Well then I’m very sorry Nelson and Murdock won’t be able to assist you. Please have a nice day.”

The secretary was looking between the four of you with confusion, but Murdock finally relaxed ever so slightly as Nelson herded you out.

“Have a nice day!” Nelson called. Just before the door shut you looked over your shoulder and saw Murdock facing in your direction, head turned slightly to the side.

You smiled and waited until you were a few steps away before saying softly, “Thank you for your time, Mister Murdock. Take care,” knowing full well he’d hear you.

It wasn’t until you were a few blocks away that Bucky spoke. “Think it’s done yet?” he asked as you turned the corner and ghosted between other New Yorkers going about their busy days.

You frowned as you thought about it. “Probably.” Admitting it made anxiety coil low and deadly in your stomach. As if sensing the shift in your thoughts, Bucky threw his arm around your shoulder and drew you close to his side, taking his eyes off his surroundings only long enough to press a kiss to your temple.

“Better hurry back, then. I’m... eager to know the truth, either way. Y’know?” he murmured.

You smiled up at him and your breath caught in your throat. He looked... good. Two years since you both escaped Hydra. Two years out of cryo. Two years together, healing. Eating actual food. Sleeping on a real mattress.

The change had been so gradual that you hadn’t noticed. It had taken being in New York again for you to really look at him.

Your smile was more genuine than it had been in a long time as you leaned up and pecked a kiss to his cheek. “Yeah, Buck. I do.”

Next Chapter

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[hopefulfestivaltastemaker]

September 12, 2021

My weekly roundup of things I am up to. Topics include learning curves, Telosa, the fine-tuned universe, and some anniversaries.

Learning Curves

Last week I commented on Matt Clancy’s site, New Things Under the Sun, and in particular the material on fertility rates. It is meant to be “what academics generally believe” on questions related to innovation. The site is chock full of good material. This time I’ll comment on his work on learning curves. See in particular this and this article.

A learning curve, also known as the “learning-by-doing” phenomenon, is the idea that the cost of producing a product goes down as more is produced. This makes intuitive sense. As production goes up, we would expect more workers to be trained to be efficient, for companies to optimize their production processes, for more efficiency techniques to be discovered, and so on.

The empirical evidence is fairly strong too, or at least it appears to be. Learning curves are also known as Wright’s Law, going back to a paper by Theodore Wright in 1936 where he observed that for every doubling of airplane production, the cost goes down by 20%. There are numerous other studies that find similar cost reductions (albeit of widely different magnitudes) in many areas.

But the old mantra of “correlation doesn’t imply causation” applies here. One could tell the opposite story. Maybe cost reduction has nothing to do with learning-by-doing, but rather happens for other reasons, such as technological improvement. That’s what many of papers that Clancy cites show, to an extent.

Some, but not all, of cost reduction really is due to the learning-by-doing effect. What is the portion exactly? This turns out to be very difficult to estimate, and reading through the studies that Clancy discusses, I don’t have a good answer. Until now, though, I had naively assumed that it was the full portion.

These observations have several policy implications. Many decarbonization models, for instance, rely heavily on deployment of already developed technology and assume cost reduction going forward as this technology is deployed. This assumption has two purposes. First, if we expect that the price of solar panels, wind turbines, HVDC cables, lithium-ion batteries, and other technologies will decline with further deployment, then this makes models that rely on these technologies look more cost-effective than they would appear if present costs are assumed. The second purpose is that cost reduction is a beneficial spillover of deployment, and therefore a justification for subsidizing deployment that goes beyond carbon dioxide reduction. This point has been invoked, for instance, in justification of the policies behind Germany’s Energiwende (renewable energy transition).

If we determine that learning-by-doing effects are weaker than a naive learning curve analysis would indicate, then there is less justification for subsidizing deployment. The Investment/Production Tax Credits for renewable energy look less attractive. Policy should be more oriented toward technological change than deployment. The idea of a France- or South Korea-style nuclear power buildout also looks less attractive, and we should focus more on next generation nuclear technology instead.

Several things I have done will have to be rethought.

Telosa and Other New Cities

Telosa is a newly announced planned city with a target of 5 million people by 2050, to be built in the American Southwest somewhere. The official website, linked above, has a lot of pretty pictures and buzzwords from urban planning.

I hope the project is successful, but I also hope to be forgiven for not getting too excited. There is an extensive history of new city projects not working out or performing less well than hoped, including seasteading, Khazar Islands, Masdar City, and others.

The main headwind I see is that, as Alain Bertaud describes in his book, cities are first and foremost labor markets. When a new city starts seeking residents, it has the basic problem of providing jobs for those residents. Attracting employers will be difficult too because there won’t be many employees for those employers to hire. This is a fundamental problem that will also make space colonization difficult. As this article explains, the youngest of the top 10 cities in the United States is Phoenix, AZ, founded in 1868.

Most wealthy countries now have declining populations or soon will. Under current demographic trends, most other countries will reach this crossover point sooner or later. A declining population is another headwind for founding new cities, since they will also have to complete with depopulating existing cities.

Despite the problems noted above, Masdar City is an example of a project that has achieved at least some success. For one thing, it is not really a new city because it is within the commutershed of Abu Dhabi, reasonably close (though a bit outside the commutershed) to Dubai, and close to a major airport. The developers were also smart in recruiting IRENA (International Renewable Energy Agency) as an anchor tenant, which helps resolve that chicken-and-egg problem of building a robust labor market.

Fine-tuned Universe

The idea of fine-tuned universe is that it appears that many aspects of the universe we live in are set to specific values that are conducive to the emergence of intelligent life, to a degree that is hard to imagine being a matter of chance. Such parameters include the relative strength of gravitation and electromagnetism, the rate of hydrogen fusion, the fact that there are 3 non-compactified spatial dimensions, and many others. Explanations as to why this is the case have been all over the map, and the issue intersects deeply with questions of creationism and intelligent design.

One of the argument, outlined by Lawrence Krauss here, is that the large number of seemingly life-conducive parameters may be an artifact of our lack of understanding of physics. We are learn more, several factors that seem to be unrelated may turn out to be multiple manifestations of the same phenomenon.

While I don’t think that intelligent design is the best solution for the fine tuning problem, this explanation doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. For one thing, it is rather hand-wavy. It appeals to things that we might know in the future, but without a clear sense of what those things might be. Second, even if this argument holds, it remains unclear why a deeper theory of physics should have any cases where it resolves into a universe that is conducive for life, and thus is it unclear to me why, even if different parameters that are conducive for life turn out to be related, this should resolve the paradox.

Intelligent design is one of those topics that I avoided when it was a much more active area of debate, but now that it has calmed down somewhat, I would be interested in understanding these issues better.

Anniversaries

Yesterday, the news was occupied with the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.

George W. Bush gave a speech that I thought was interesting for two reasons.

First, and this was the issue that most of the news coverage picked up, was that Bush equated domestic terrorism with foreign terrorism and portrayed the two as being comparable threats. I would have found such a statement from a prominent figure unthinkable 20 years ago, especially from Bush. But I think it goes to show the extent to which the United States has again become an inward looking country. This is the normal state, at least that I can remember. Of the presidential elections I am old enough to remember (since 1992), the 2004 election was the only one where foreign issues were dominant.

I would reckon this state of affairs began with 9/11, and it was definitely over with the onset of the Global Financial Crisis, though it could have ended with Donald Rumsfeld’s departure from the Defense Department, or maybe sooner with events that eroded Bush’s standing, including the Terry Schiavo incident, the failed attempt to reform Social Security, and Hurricane Katrina.

Bush’s foreign policy during these years was a weird mix of anti-terrorism and Wilsonian democracy-promotion. Such a combination was probably never stable. Now the “America First” movement is strong politically. There is bipartisan opposition to immigration and trade, two issues where Bush was a proponent. In justifying the withdrawal from Afghanistan, President Biden was keen to emphasize that ongoing combat would not have been in the US interest. The political right has made hay for obvious partisan reasons and because the withdrawal was executed so badly, but they were much happier with Trump championed the same policy. Such is the degree of the inward turn that even Bush himself has to respond to it.

The second interesting point was on the idea of national unity. There is a certain 9/11 nostalgia now that pines for the apparent sense of unity that prevailed immediately after the attacks. It would appear to be distinct from, but related to, the idea of the “Sputnik moment” that prevailed in the aftermath of the 1957 Soviet launch of Sputnik, or current anticommunism and anti-Chinese sentiments. It is the hope that widespread recognition of an external threat can suppress internal acrimony and catalyze a more dynamic posture than Americans have shown in recent years. Though it has never been clear to me what this apparent unity is supposed to mean.

Tomorrow I am also noting the first anniversary of my brain aneurism. In the months after the event and my recovery from it, I have more or less resumed the patterns of living that I had pre-stroke. Perhaps some things are subtly different, such as a more visceral appreciation for the fragility of life and a greater sense of seriousness with which I pursue my goals.

I still get the chills, though, when I think about how close I came to death. I was unlucky that event happened in the first place, of course, but given that it did, I was fortunate to have a successful operation. Based on what doctors said in the hospital, I probably wouldn’t have survived if this had happened in 2001. I was fortunate to have access to a good (albeit expensive) health care system. I was also fortunate that the aneurism struck when I was in a well-trafficked hallway of my apartment building, so I was found almost right away.

In happier anniversary news, next week I will be celebrating my 40th birthday.

[swordboiis]

I still don't feel up to answering requests but you guys know I still like posting stuff so the blog isn't entirely dead. Might not interest most people but I decided to write out my thought process for requests. I put it under the cut so if you're not interested it's easy to go past but yeah.

Requests

Starting with a point I’ve never really explained before the quotations. Some answered asks I’ll include things I think the characters might say and have the following point explaining their feelings. I don’t include it a lot, as I can’t always think of specific words for them to say, it has nothing to do with the requests in question, just my ability to think up different things they’d say. I don’t force it just to have another point, but I definitely do start with trying to think of something for them to say since I think it looks nice when I’m able to include a quotation.

Some of you might have noticed but I generally try to have it work so that the response for each character is about the same length. Sure, some characters are just easier for me to write or have more of a reaction so it ends up longer but I value consistency. Not just consistency, but having a certain amount I’ve decided to write for responses just helps??

General requests, I’ve mentioned it a lot in the past but requests that for example just ask “fluff headcanons” are things I find difficult to write for. It would feel the exact same as someone just sending in a character’s name, I know who you want but how am I supposed to write just off that?? It’s different in the general requests where you send in some sort of scenario and I fill in the gaps with things or reactions of specific characters. There I know what I’m working with, I can get an image in my mind and write that.

Not answering a request, it happens. When I just link to other requests due to having answered things that are similar which I feel is fair enough. I remember a lot of what I have written and would rather not repeat myself if I can help it. I also sometimes just write a response to the situation answering generally rather than specifically. I try not to do that, only doing it when I feel the situation just cannot work or that I will not be able to come up with a different answer for every requested character.

Yandere as an example of something that doesn’t work. I’ve addressed it a number of times in the past for the anon who has requested my dreadful attempt at yandere. It’s not so much me being uncomfortable with yandere, it’s that I’m uncomfortable with writing yandere characters in a positive light. Nothing against those who like yandere but I kind of view mentally unstable characters who create toxic and harmful environments interesting sure, but stick that on moe and call such behaviour waifu material and it’s suddenly not taking what the characters are likely to do seriously, and I view yandere as a romanticisation of mentally unstable people. More relevant to Touken Ranbu, I do not view any character as a yandere. Not even Yasusada or Horikawa like some people seem to view them. I don’t think you can’t make characters yandere, but I myself have difficulty changing a character to be that unhealthy myself and I will not write yandere as a good thing.

Another thing which I posted about recent enough was the Saniwa getting harmed on the battlefield or some variation of the scenario. I have gotten a lot of these over time, and I don’t find it easy to continue writing reactions for the same scenario, if I get it enough times I just plainly will have difficulty making responses unique to the characters. There are a lot of characters, and even though they will have their own unique reactions or thoughts towards a situation or grief, they will likely share some combinations of those reactions with other characters who deal with things similarly. When something gets added to the scenario to make it a bit different, something altering the situation so again there is something different I can work with (an anon who had sent in such a request it is in there and an example of something different enough for me to work with which I will get to answering eventually).

Nsfw is another thing, something you guys apparently enjoy a lot since they always get a lot of notes or at least gets them very quickly. The internet triggering a craving for sin aside, and I probably have gone over this before, but I don’t go into much detail with my answers. I don’t write smut, as far as I’m concerned, a nsfw request is a request concerning a topic that is inappropriate. Part of it admittedly is I don’t wish to write details, I am not confident writing more detailed; another part is the more direct I am with answering such requests the more embarrassed I get. But mostly, it doesn’t need me to be any more specific, I feel the requests get satisfied just fine with the short answer responses.

Mbti requests are newer, I clearly have a structure for them. I’ll do my reading on the personality type then write a bit of a reflection on the type of person it says you are and how I feel that would transfer into being a Saniwa. There are the two big aspects to me, the part where I look at your leadership on the battlefront sort of thing and the emotional side of thing about the way you build relationships with others. I feel that’s a basic and effective way to make my analysis. Next, I obviously take my guesses at how you’d get on with your starter and first smith, the only notable thing I find important to think of there is how you’d get along, because admittedly you won’t always be super close with everyone, and how much you rely upon each other. It happens in a lot of responses but sometimes a sword will really need to step up. The final point I usually just go for overall functionality and sometimes will go over a point once again for further clarification.

Positivity

For these I put a lot of thought into it. For those who ask for a specific sword, I do my best to mind how they talk, how much energy they’d put into speech. When it comes to thinking of a sword myself, I’ll usually think about swords who could answer vaguely, started typing up a response and a specific sword will start to come to my mind and I’ll alter the response so it can sound like it’s coming from them. Maybe I put too much thought into it, but I try to make sure the responses are things they would believe and encouragement or advice they might give someone. I’m not just shoving out my words or beliefs, I mean that’s why I usually add a little more into the tags for my own words.

Alright, I think I covered up most things. I thought expressing my thoughts when writing might be interesting but also that you guys understand why I write as I do or at least what goes into it. I might have rambled on too much or maybe I could have addressed more?? I don’t know, in the least I don’t think I forgot about anything I specifically wanted to explain. If someone wanted to ask about other topics of writing I didn’t explain or more of my opinions that would be cool (like how I went on about yandere of have spoken about physically aging characters before is what I mean). Sorry this ended up so long, and again I just hope someone found it at least somewhat interesting pff.

[driftingglass]

Kimi no na wa / Your Name Analysis Review

I wasn’t originally going to post this, since, these analyses are a lot more personal and I never really consider them worth sharing. It’s a bit messy, and just a stream of my thoughts after finally watching the anime film Your Name for the very first time. 

This is kind of long. So, thanks, @killushawn, for pushing me into posting this and sharing it on this site. 

Again, these are unedited and mostly just theories done without any additional research. My rawest thoughts on the film and what it entails. 

Also there are definitely spoilers. So, if you haven’t seen this beautiful film, please do yourself a favor and watch it. 

So, yeah. Here goes nothing.

Analysis / Review of Your Name

There are countless things to appreciate individually about Your Name, and not all of it has to do with the fact that it’s one of the most gorgeous films I’ve ever had the pleasure to experience.

I want to first discuss how this film operates in its combined, balanced usage of aestheticism with visual storytelling.

The art style is photorealistic and traditional in a worthwhile combination that, against all intents and purposes, shouldn’t work this well, but it does. 

There’s a certain candor to how its presented, from the sweeping landscapes that are conveniently zoomed out for our pleasure as the viewer, to the ever-changing sky that echoes the importance of time, place, and location for the two main protagonists.  

Again, of all the elements of this film that impressed me to the core, one of them has to do with the fact that, unlike nearly every other medium I’ve come across, I easily believed and grew attached to the world presented in Your Name.

This is, of course, owed to two major things: the blend of traditional and newer, more polished animation, both leading to an experience that dips easily between realistic and fantastical. 

The world of Your Name feels so tangible and real it teeters on the edge of mind-boggling, owed to these factors as well as the incredibly well-drawn features and mannerisms that differentiate the two leads from each other.

This is especially important because there should be definitive factors about them as people that show through their swapped bodies, adding not only a more authentic feel to the overall story, but a sense of relatable theme and lighthearted connection between the viewers and the characters.

Mitsuha’s actions and manner of speech are easy to pinpoint in Taki’s body, and vice versa.

Thankfully the animators and the immensely talented voice actors paid attention to who they were meant to be in the switched roles, creating a sense of realism and humanistic layering on top of everything else.

I was shocked at just how easily I felt like I could reach out and have a conversation with either Taki or Mitsuha, just from watching how they interact in their circumstances and within each other’s physical bodies.

Aesthetically, we are presented the polished, beautiful worlds that both characters thrive in—one encompassed mostly by family, togetherness, and culture (Mitsuha) and the other finding balance in a busy, bustling city with more personal and internal ambitions as an artist (Taki).

The characters feel very real and human, making it easy to connect with them and identify with them. 

Even the humorous undertones in certain scenes are incredibly wholesome, and expected when it comes to the idea of switching bodies with the opposite gender.

Mitsuha and Taki’s reactions to each other’s body swaps are hilarious and genuinely heartwarming in a strange way that I certainly didn’t expect. Maybe it has something to do with the mark of innocence and maturation from adolescence, and how that correlates between their experience and a rather unfortunate introduction to coming-of-age.

Now, taking these into consideration, there’s something truly immaculate about how non-pretentious and artful this film appears with such jaw-dropping animation and a story that, if done incorrectly, could come off as trite and uninteresting.

The animation does not overpower the characters or the story. To the strength of the overall film, it enhances it.

And this, is one of the greatest aspects of Your Name.

The ambient sounds, the gentle, wistful music that flourishes in its soundtrack, the way that each character walks and embraces each scene in accompaniment with the other factors of the film on a visual standpoint make it all the more entrancing.

The story and themes are a fine mix between realistic—in terms of emotion, nostalgia and experience—and fantastical—when relating to scenery, the mystical elements and the more controversial topics of dimension-jumping in space and time. 

Because it’s structured in this way, the visual representation, while beautiful and practically flawless, works as a bridge between what you would both ideally expect from a work of animation, and what you would expect from a work of live-action.

Film is meant to a be a medium of visual storytelling. And this film takes every element needed to make a film watchable and elevates it to unimaginable heights.

It is due to each combined factor of these elements that we are able to see the blossoming relationship between Taki and Mitsuha and a plotline that I’ve never seen done in this manner before.

I had no idea what to expect in terms of how I could buy a romantic connection developing via body swap—it sounds ludicrous.

And, honestly, the film is ludicrous, but that’s one of its greatest strengths.

It’s a work of balanced, human art with both rawness and polish, and this is just one of many things I adore about this spectacle. 

It feels like a true testament to youthful dreams, hope, and love, with special emphasis on how the journeys themselves matter apart from the themes and ideas taking place in the background.

Mitsuha and Taki, rather than fall into the traditional and somewhat overused anime trope of the love-hate dynamic between a girl and boy, make choices that instantly separate them from the demographic even in the first twenty minutes of the film. They bicker, of course, but the real charm lies in their communication to begin with, and how they quickly fall in sync with the actions and decisions they make when switching bodies.

And here, is where I found the film’s incorporation of technology and the emphasis on phones, in particular, to be one of its greatest strengths.

I think this is a good time to segue into what I thought about the film’s clear focus on the state of human connection and emotional intimacy, and how it was portrayed through both modern and older, more traditional ways.

The film pays special attention to how both Mitsuha and Taki are awkward, growing teenagers, and we are easily drawn into their dynamic because of how easily it feels that, in such a short span of time, we believe that they know each other well. 

The connection is palpable and richly brought out in their dialogue and messages left behind on their phones, creating a truly beautiful and wholesome relation that echoes to our generation of viewers with ease.

I love that the use of cellular technology in Your Name is neither romanticized nor demonized, but viewed for its practicality and shown as the sole bonder between Mitsuha and Taki in their rather unfortunate circumstance.

The attention to detail is, of course, mind-blowing, but I love how amplified and important the minute details are as well.

From watching both Mitsuha and Taki flip through their phones, engage with social media, and brush their fingers over the glass touchscreens… ah, it all flows on a wavelength that reminds me of just how varied and engaged people are with the world despite how opposite it seems to older generations.

This movie, at points, seems to be both its own intrinsic story, and a reflection of coming-of-age, natural romance and relational development. 

The way these two fall in love isn’t overly explained or even thrust into our faces as some ludicrous concept; it’s believable because we know, from watching them communicate, interact, and admire one another in both their own and in each other’s bodies, that they have a connection that cannot be matched equally with anyone else in their separate lives.

Now, these factors, while seemingly small and even insignificant to some, parallel much larger occurrences in a setting that doesn’t require disastrous things to happen. 

The story weaves a massive tragedy in its world to make the concept of two people switching bodies across the length of space and time seem all the more nonsensical. But, again, this is playing to more of the film’s strengths, rather than weaknesses.

Your Name, despite its relatively simple premise (at least, at first) expands so heavily in a visual sense that we’re greeted with amazing landscapes, incredible mountains, a fucking comet, starry evening skies, dawn, dusk, fields, busy cities and quiet roads alike.

It’s such a gift to be able to see the beauty in completely different lives take place, and to see the appreciation experienced from one person to another, just by living in their shoes for days at a time each week.

Now, the purpose between these two characters being the way they are speaks volumes to the intention behind creating this story to begin with.

The concept of possibly switching bodies with someone across the world, or close by, or, you know, switching bodies at all, is a terrifying concept. But, these two, while clearly raised in cultural differences and having varied interests (thankfully) embrace the process and use it as an opportunity to communicate with each other in a unique way that no one else can do.

It honestly makes me think of something much more mundane, but honestly, truly incredible. 

The Internet, social media, and the potentially easy connections formed over distances both vast and small, serve as a human reflection of what this film is delivering. Of course, it’s not nearly the same as switching bodies, which is the ultimate form of being required to experience through the other person’s shoes, but… there’s something equally beautiful about this, and how easy it is to take it for granted.

One of the words, actually, that came to me almost instantly as the film began, just from the scenery alone and one very particular thing that I’ll touch on later… was connection.

This film embodies both the fantastical and realistic forms of human, emotional, spiritual and intellectual connection.

In my opinion, there is nothing more intimate than understanding that piece of another person that allows that connection to begin and grow into something indescribable.

It’s miraculous, to experience a connection that you can’t grasp the meaning behind, and yet, somehow, those thoughts linger, and you find yourself drawn to particular people out of first sight, or first conversation, or other factors woven through other topics that could contribute to this argument.

The ending of the film, with the two of them consistently passing one another with that vague recollection of each other’s names (which I will also touch on later… since that’s obviously pretty damn important) reflects so many unexplained moments of Déjà vu and other instances that make you think: “Wait. I swear I’ve seen this person before. I don’t know how, but I have.”

Of course, I don’t believe in the supernatural elements displayed in this movie’s setting and story. 

But, the fact that the argument exists as a reality in this world that we get to experience, is wonderful to think about. 

It’s a romantic idea on its own, to think that these connections formed between people out of incredibly simple circumstances are borne out of occurrences like this, separated across time and meant to find each other’s likeness at some point in their lives.

The moment where Mitsuha and Taki find one another’s voices on the rim of the hollow, where the comet had struck, and finally see each other across the barrier of time and space… that, was one of the most breathtaking and emotional scenes I’ve seen in a film. And I’ve seen many.

The pacing, the music, the unbelievable joy you feel as the viewer being allowed to witness something so intimate and mythical take place on the edge of one world and the next… there’s nothing like it.

The animation was astounding in this scene, and the emotions were so vulnerable and believable with both Taki and Mitsuha. 

Watching them accept the terms of how they were meeting and agreeing to write each other’s names on their skin is something that just echoes trust, honesty, and love through actions and words as an assistance, rather than a replacement.

Now, since I’m getting way too excited to dance around this topic any longer, I’m going to dive into one of the most obvious (but undeniably fascinating) elements of the film: the literal, figurative and symbolic representation of fate. 

And this goes alongside the usage of the Red String of Fate.

I knew as soon as I saw Mitsuha’s red thread that it was meant to be a symbol for the symbolic Red String of Fate. Of course, this is to be expected in a film with this premise, but man, was I impressed with not only its subtle usage of this mythological element, but its handling of it as well.

I don’t believe in soulmates. 

I enjoy reading about them or studying the mythology behind the idea, as well as learning to experience it in mediums that make the idea in itself romantic and interesting. The Red String of Fate is used prominently in this film as a means of representing the connection between Mitsuha and Taki.

We see her call out her name to Taki on the train when she met him as a stranger, tossing out the thread and allowing him to take it in his hands. When they encounter each other again on the “Edge of the Comet” (that’s just what I’m going to call it), Mitsuha takes the thread from the bracelet around Taki’s wrist and wraps it around her now-cut hair.

It’s beautiful and intimate, and shows the amount of both conscious and subconscious care displayed between these two characters and their inevitably intertwined fates.

Something I noticed during these scenes, and this may be a bit farfetched, but I’m going to talk about it since it struck me while watching and now it won’t leave me alone.

The place where they meet officially in each other’s bodies for the first time—what I’ve now called the Edge of the Comet—was seen in earlier parts of the film as one complete, whole place. We’ve seen it destroyed, repaired, demolished by the comet, and even overgrown with breathtaking landscapes and people alike.

This place, when struck by the comet, is expanded into two melding circles. Two worlds inevitably colliding, one borne from outside the earth, and the other already there to begin with. Molded over years and years, of mountains growing from nothing and trees and flowers blooming from natural time.

The two circles overlapping, these constructs of one world meeting the next, to me, resembled the infinity symbol.

Of course, it’s not the exact same thing, but it adds some considerable weight to the scenes that transpire around these moments, with the two craters visible and showing just how impactful the story and interwoven destinies of the characters are.

... Or maybe it's just me.

Anyway!

The concept of infinity is an interesting one when considering the attention to culture, family, love and destiny in the overall film. 

The Red String of Fate, even, is often seen as a symbol of tethered souls connecting that breach the laws of logic, space and time. 

To think that the Red String would be breaching the laws of infinity as well, or somehow intertwining with it in some way, shape or form, makes the universal idea all the more interesting, and it stemmed simply from watching this movie.

It’s a truly incredible thing to think about, and even more so when considering how Taki goes through leaps and bounds to successfully prevent a natural comet disaster from killing countless people.

You know. The usual daily shenanigans of a teenager in Tokyo.

Now, I’m going to take this and shift it into something I loved from beginning to end about this movie, and again, it ties into the discussion of fate, dimensions and time itself being considered something as flexible and changeable, rather than concrete. 

The Red String of Fate and the two craters resembling an infinity symbol to me are only two of many scenarios I thought of while watching this.

There’s one consistent change of scenery that’s constantly brought about in this film. It’s both a stylistic experiment on the story itself and a visual representation of what it means to take a step forward and unknowingly testing the waters of new possibilities that you would never think of as possible.

I’m talking about doorways.

I’m talking about the sliding doorways, specifically, that are shown in heavy magnitude throughout the entirety of the film. 

Many obvious transitionary scenes in the film either start, end (or start and end) with doors sliding open and shut. 

This is prevalent in Mitsuha’s home as well as other notable locations throughout the film, especially as the story picks up.

But, it’s also an important stylistic choice when considering the train scenes—all of which are present prominently in both the earliest and latest portions of the film.

Doorways have always been symbolic in literature as an easy means of representing the idea of stepping forward, or into another world entirely. In fantasy, especially, this is very common, all the way back through old myths and legends. 

In this modern tale, doorways are relatively subtle in their usage, but when considering the concept of fate, destiny and time alterations thrown into the mix… you have an entirely new definition for the doorways in Your Name.

Destiny and fate are portrayed as still frayed paths of adventure and journeys between two people. 

Yes, they are connected by fate, and yes, they are contacting over the span of bending time and the laws of natural order. Yes, they keep one another in their lives, but it is due to their choices and the individual motions they make apart from each other.

This film brings about the thought of destiny still treading on the path of choices. 

A theory of fate lying on a thread, yet still woven through an intense labyrinth of decisions and ideas made by the two individuals involved that can either lead them to crossing their paths, or never fulfilling their “purpose” to begin with.

Mitsuha meets Taki on the train in Tokyo after deciding to go see him herself. She knows she must, and at this point we know that a strong, unique bond has formed between them through a connection unlike any other, through messages and decisions made out of their knowing, out of their control. 

In this moment, she knows who Taki is, and tells him to remember her name while removing the tread in her hair and allowing him to take it.

In this scene, she takes the bold leap through the door of the train, and then leaves with the same bustle of people after she removes the thread.

What would have happened if she never took that step onto the train to begin with? What decisions would have transpired from that moment? Would the same events still have happened in a similar manner?

What would have happened if he never took hold of the thread from her hair? If he never called out to her and asked her who she was?

A pretty glaring series of questions, in my opinion.

We have this moment again, flashing forward five years later, after Taki and Mitsuha changed the dynamics of their futures and altered their own destinies through choices that neither of them expected. 

They glimpse each other in passing, fleeting but unsure, wondering if those moments of slight recollection and meeting are remnants of fantasy or reality.

It still makes me wonder, even now: “If we watched this film in reverse, or just saw the ending with neither of them saying a word, what would the rest of this story appear to be? Would it still hold that same resonance of genuine love that we saw develop and grow? Or would it seem too farfetched to even grasp?”

I love how much this film makes me think, how it presses audiences to appreciate what they have in modern-day relationships and how we can use our technology to reach across the world and break new ground.

As a person who’s been betrayed and used so many times out of naivety and my own incompetence, to see something like this played out of pure love and adoration for the idea of two people connected across time, space, and tragedy, makes the overall appeal even more breathtaking.

Now, there is another important point I want to talk about when referring to the film’s thankful subtlety and handling of its own title.

I find it beautiful to think about the nature of knowing someone’s name, and to have the memories behind that person’s identity held in the palm of your hands. 

Mitsuha and Taki experience each other’s lives, quite literally stepping in each other’s shoes and growing attached to memories that aren’t originally meant to be theirs.

They know each other so well, without having the opportunity to directly speak for the longest time. This, in itself, is truly mind-boggling, and just emphasizes the importance of experiences and how they shape people and form bonds.

There's so much more to this idea than just romantic connotation. 

No, I do not believe in people being connected by fate, but it’s incredible to think how simple choices lead to certain friendships and relationships forming out of seemingly nothing. To think of how vast the world is, how many different people there are walking this earth, and how many different minds operate in existence…

The nature and beauty of life and human connection is celebrated in Your Name, down to the rawest and sincerest moments.

Thinking about this film today amidst the darker times in both life and the world brewing around us, makes me consider and mull over how thankful and glad I am to be alive, and to have the connections to both good and bad experiences and people.

Life, choices, and the concept of fate in general resemble a bit of a quilt, really, in all shades of colors and contorted into different patterns, scattered and messy beyond belief. Frayed edges, smooth turns, twisted knots and curling loops. Paint slathered on cords, shapes changed from triangles to squares and beyond.

And finally, an endless ocean of names of people we will never know, people we wish we knew, people we see on the other side of the world and dream of encountering, and people we have come to know thus far.

This is what Your Name just… does.

Not what it is. What it does.

And that’s just… amazing.

[kingofthewilderwest]

Alright I’m writing this post before I wimp out on this decision that I need to make. I’m going to try to explain with some thoughtful honesty about where I’m potentially going to be heading with my main blog. But because I have the habit of being... verbose... I’m putting my TL;DR at the top:

I am opening my ask box even though I still have dozens of analysis prompts saved from before I closed the ask box. It’s because I’m tired of not chatting with people in this amazing fandom. I love interacting!

I can no longer consistently analyze prompts. This means I cannot guarantee I will give a thorough analysis if I receive an analysis prompt. I will have to start giving answers like “I don’t know,” “I don’t remember,” or something based more on my gut than thorough research. If a topic really intrigues me, I might give a classic Haddock thorough response. But I can no longer guarantee long, consistent asks. I will, regardless, still respond to every ask I get!

I am so thankful for the experiences I have had with the HTTYD fandom and I would not trade my time on tumblr with you guys for anything. Seriously, you’ve all been amazing. I never would have expected to have such journeys, find such laughter, or make such friends as I have with all of you. Here’s to more fun times to come!

So now... the long version... 

I do encourage people to read it.

I have known for at least a year, if not two, that I could not keep up the pace of my blog analyses... not without sacrificing major opportunities or experiences in my life. I will be honest, me spending too much time on tumblr during my one year of the PhD program could have been one of the key reasons I couldn’t keep up. As much as I enjoy the community and as much as I am so happy to answer asks - it’s very fun and somewhat addictive - I know that I have to make decisions with my limited time.

I’m currently working three part-time jobs (~60 hours a week), am trying to find a good game plan for a stable lifelong career, and I have a lot of other adult-ing to do. When I do have free time, I want to be able to spend it hanging out with irl friends, reading books, studying theology and other topics of interest, reintegrating myself in the local church, writing novels, playing music, composing, drawing, conlanging, cosplaying, hiking, jogging, skiing, snowshoeing, watching good tv shows and movies, playing video games, spending time with family, making meaningful memories, etc.

I want to say that answering analyses on tumblr is something that is very meaningful to me. I don’t know how to say how touched I am that people are curious to hear my perspective. I never intended for kingofthewilderwest to be an analysis blog, yet here I am, wowed and grateful for over five thousand followers who have listened to me yak up a storm about an amazing franchise. I never would have imagined this would happen. I’m beyond grateful. What’s made it so worthwhile is interacting with you guys. I’m so happy to have had this experience and... I want to keep having this experience.

That said, answering asks on tumblr is perhaps not as “helpful” to me in the long run as working on a novel I hope to someday publish, or making sure I get a good night’s rest so I’m ready for another day of work. If I want to reach my life goals and have the meaningful experiences I dream of having, I have to make changes to my current day-to-day situation. I HAVE to. I want to get my life back in order, and I recognize my life has not been as “put together” since I started investing more time in tumblr. To get myself really firmly on track, I do have to loosen my hold on some of my free time activities, if not drop some things out altogether.

Answering analyses is a very time consuming process. VERY time consuming process. It can take me forty minutes or four hours to answer a single question. Not an exaggeration. This is because I often have to rewatch episodes and movies, do a bit of research online, give myself time to mull, and, all in all, invest a lot of time into answering a question. Even when I do consistently try my best to stay on track with answering asks... I cannot keep up with the volume of questions I receive. I wish I could, but I acknowledge I can’t. I still have asks in my inbox from the new year or older (Btw: the way my ask box system works: I keep the ask box open until I am >100 asks behind, then I close the box and answer all those, then open the ask box again). I am so, so sorry that I haven’t responded to all of you who have been patiently waiting for me, or you who may have even forgotten you sent in a question or comment.

I am sorry for all the people I will disappoint by not getting to your submitted asks with the thoroughness you were hoping. I will answer them, albeit not to my previous thorough standard. However, I hope you understand I feel it would be more thoughtful to provide you any response than to never return your messages.

My ask box has been closed because I still have about fifty asks left to answer before I’m caught up. But my ask box has been shut for a long time and I want to hang out with people and chat back and forth. So...

I’m going to open up my ask box again, but I hope you understand I suggest you do not inundate me with analysis requests. I want to open up my ask box so I can interact closely with everyone again... I always feel a little shut off and stale when I have my ask box closed. Now, you can send me analysis requests (when I’m not going through the really old ones in my drafts... again, sorry), but I cannot guarantee I will write an analysis in return. I’ll answer, but it might be a short “I’m not sure” or a few sentences of speculation instead of an essay. I’m happy to chat, I’m happy to discuss back and forth, whatever I want to do when I have the time for recreation, but I cannot be a one-person powerhouse publisher.

I don’t like doing this, but I’ve been needing to do this for a long time. So while I have the guts to write this and post it, I’m going to do it and make the decision final. Don’t make me back down. Don’t make me reverse this choice. Keep me accountable to my long-term life goals.

Another truth, and I am sorry to admit this to you guys, is that I’m not someone who’s used to staying in one fandom mindset for so long. I mean, I always love what I consume and always will get into it. But I’m more of the person to dance from passion to passion, from current interest to current interest, jumping in and out of the buzz of what I love. For instance, I might be on-and-off again with Star Wars, one year thinking about it and fanning about it a lot, another year not really caring. And I usually don’t get involved WITH a fandom... usually just scream about it with a few close irl friends and then move on. How to Train Your Dragon was a notable anomaly, a strange divergence from my typical patterning, and frankly it’s something I wouldn’t have stuck with for so long if not for my interaction with tumblr. If not for the HTTYD tumblr community, I likely would have been out of my HTTYD craze by mid-2015.

And while the HTTYD community has helped me sustain my ongoing interaction with the fandom, my personal passions are focused elsewhere now. I’m still always happy to talk dragons, mind! You guys can fuel me up again when I see you posting about it on tumblr. But in the last year and a half or two years, my mind hasn’t been focused on HTTYD. It’s been first Gravity Falls, then Undertale... and then, with the release of Andromeda, the Mass Effect franchise. I’ve also been going through crazes for things like Voltron: Legendary Defender. So, currently, my head is obsessing about Paladins and Alteans and Salarians and Spectres and Pathfinders and Space Exploration... not so much dragons and Vikings. It’s why my video game blog has been more active and responsive than this one. I’m very sorry if that statement disappoints you, friends. It’s a little weird for me too because I don’t know who all I can shout about my interests with (I only have a few friends who share these interests with me, and I’m sort of annoyingly “late in the fandom” if you know what I mean... don’t want to annoy the same people over and over again about something that’s 5+ years old, but who else do I talk to?). But, well, it is what it is. And it’s more fun for me to charge around with my latest obsession.

Let’s be clear: I’m not leaving you guys or running away or shutting myself off or becoming a hermit or anything. XD You guys mean too much to me to run off. I’m stuck here for good with you dragon nerds. Again, this community has been an extraordinary thing to me, and honestly, my interactions with the HTTYD fandom was the way I got out of a big depressive slump in 2014. So I’m still here! I’ll be staying here! I’m still going to commit to respond to every sincere message I receive! I’m just saying I’m going to invest less time in original posts, especially analyses. That’s all. :) 

It’ll be the best for my life. I hope you friends can all understand. We have to make decisions about the limited time in our lives.

But please! Feel free to chat and say hello and hop into my inbox again! Send little nothings or whatever’s on your mind. I’ve missed getting new asks! It’d be wonderful to hear from you again. <3

So yeah! That’s my honest report and stuff.

Take care, dragon nerds.