#I hope this makes sense though

[toastypockets]

"Obake, You look like a mess..."

...

lots of words below concerning these sobbing sods

they allow themselves to be vulnerable around each other, or at least that's what i believe

when it comes to this pairing i usually can't figure out who's taking on what role in the relationship because i enjoy going off the rails with their canon identities a bit too much

my (very shaky) foundation is that they've realized they appreciate each other's company a lot more than they initially thought because they connect with each other in so many ways that "regular people" could never get

(generally speaking that is a positive thing since Momakase is, respectfully, a crazy knife lady constantly loading her pockets with unrighteous dollar bills, and Obake is, respectfully, a deranged mad scientist who almost wiped out a population and thought he was in the right for doing so)

the most obvious reason they even show interest in each other is the fact that they are both certified powerful supervillains, but i need there to be more going on because i'm a wreck for this particular ship and i don't know what to do about it

Momakase loses her temper and has become aggressive (← that's putting it lightly) when she can't keep herself in check, but she is still able to feel the emotions she hides from others so well, like compassion, for example. she doesn't feel that stuff often but that doesn't mean she can't feel it. Obake came into her life with a flimsy little replica of her signature graphene material and that smug expression of his only for her to fall for it later on because he didn't just break out a prisoner that night, he broke out these emotions that were in need of light after being kept in the dark for so long (and hey would you look at that- here is a light that occasionally glows a colorful purple/pink hue)

Obake, on the other hand, believed he was content with the solitude he built for himself because he never thought he would be trying to look out for anyone but himself and his aspirations for the future. he never thought he would even consider such a thing because who can really understand the ingenuity of a dark mastermind like him? could anyone even appreciate it? Momakase unexpectedly reveals that she is more than a henchwoman and throws him off his mark by being this unexplainable outlier in his comprehension of the world. after that, she provides an answer to his question, but it's not what he anticipated. furthermore, he realizes that the person he released from captivity is dangerous, conniving, and sharp, like himself, but displayed in a way he's never seen before. it's what he would define as beautiful. things are no longer as straightforward as he knew it so now he's brainstorming a plethora of questions, most of them concerning the ninja and the rest concerning his state of being when he's around her

[reginrokkr]

→ Study 𝐗𝐕𝐈𝐈𝐈: Opposing sentient forces of death and life —Abyss and Irminsul—. The Sinner, Caribert and the Loom of Fate at fate's end.

The recent Caribert AQ offered us a new —albeit expected if joining the scattered pieces of old and new lore alike— view about what the Abyss exactly is, represents and the way it affects other beings in more detail now that we were introduced for the first time to a sentient entity of the Abyss, albeit lacking a physical form. Before anything, let's have a brief reminder of what its energy supposed from the very beginning up to this point:

1) it can warp the perception of those affected by it (see Dvalin as an example)— this point will be touched briefly. 2) it can drive escapee gods from the rule of the Seven to madness in the Dark Sea. 3) it consumes everything that contains the seven elements. 4) it’s the potential reason of why some humans become Abyss Mages / Lectors / Heralds / Husks / Black Serpent Knights. 5) it makes people ill to the point of reaching death if left unchecked and in a similar vein to the escapee gods, it can drive them to madness. 6) it’s the source of energy that Khaenri’ah has been using to power the ruin machines up.

Sumeru's additions under the name of Marana confirm some of these and dive deeper in details about these, as per the Aranara's wisdom:

1) Marana urges everything towards death. The realization that all things meet their end makes the Marana fester further to the point that it becomes part of the memories. Said memories go as far as to engrave themselves in the Ley Lines, and into Irminsul by extension.

2) The essence of memories is one of the things that can defeat Marana, but at the same time Marana not only can make others forget. It enters the consciousness and dreams too. Furthermore, this contributes to the Black Serpent Knights and Husks’ loss of intelligence and memories as an independent element to the curse.

3) Ruin Machines are powered by Marana and it’s said that Abyss Wolves and Marana are one and the same. They are not natural. They do not belong to the cycle of heaven or earth.

And lastly but not least, the origin of this poisonous energy as told by Nabu Malikata (Goddess of Flowers, initially a dweller of the kingdom of the sky before the Second Who Came arrived):

But, in time, invaders descended from beyond the firmament, bringing with them destruction, overturning rivers, spreading plagues… And though the invaders brought war to my former kin, they also brought about illusions that could break through shackles to the land. But the master of the heavens, consumed by fear for the rising tide of delusion and breakthroughs, sent down the divine nails to mend the land, laying waste to the mortal realm… We then suffered the torment of exile. Stripped was our connection to heaven, to our powers of enlightenment…

All of this information is a lead towards how destructive what we know as Abyss can be and how nothing good can ever come from it, however, this AQ showed us a side never seen before that could come across even as miraculous, which is in being able to change fate of two individuals thus far: Caribert first and then Clothar. However, can we truly talk about a miracle when it seems that this change of fate doesn't come without a price? Is it truly the "Abyss" able of change fate, or is it the sentience of a still mysterious identity merged with the Abyss that is able to change the course of someone's fate?

In this description of the Caribert AQ, there is a count of 4 groups of people / individuals that it's referring to: Those who would oppose fate (Khaenri'ahns), the one who understands fate (the Sinner) [in Chinese, 'the one who understands fate' appears in an earlier appearance translated in English as 'a self-proclaimed prophet' also— as for what he says, it's the official announcement of Dainsleif which suggests that Dain not only may have suspicions of whose identity this is, but that he must've heard the Sinner's voice too], the one who weaves fate (Caribert) and lastly, the one who witnesses fate (Traveler). Looking in retrospective, it makes sense that Clothar refers to his son as the "Loom of Fate" if he's the one who was made to weave fate. As the title suggests, loom of fate is a tool to weave threads of fate and this is a topic that has been addressed before in the Travail trailer:

Your journey has reached its end, but one final doorway remains. Step forth, if you have understood the meaning of your journey. Defeat me, command me to step aside, show me that you are worthier than I to rescue her. Then, the threads of all fate shall be yours to re-weave.

Interestingly, the talk about this door is also teased in one of the Abyss Lector: Violet Lightning's defeat quotes: The door... is... opened unto you...

As the sentience of the Abyss is stated to have an understanding of fate and even be capable of changing it via means yet to be disclosed, there is one more individual that is said to have knowledge of fate itself: Dain.

Judging by the way Clothar didn't wish his son to live a miserable life were he regain his mind again, it's crystal clear that his wish to make him have clarity of mind came with the price of making out of him the Loom of Fate, alongside the loss of sanity that Caribert himself began to experience as his change of voice suggests— which eventually would lead to this complete madness in 100 years. Though his wish had a side effect, this seemed to be a desirable one (be it due to his madness or because it is genuine it's up to debate) as it's the potential reason why it led to his desirable death also and the continuation of his legacy up to this day with Kaeya.

But the truth is that this isn't the first time that the Sinner's voice makes itself manifest, be it in a chronological way or not. A similar pattern if not the same can be noticed in the Black Sword description:

And like other hilichurls and Clothar bowed to the Sinner, so, the Bloodstained Knight who descended to Khaenri'ah to kill the monsters that spawned from there pledged his loyalty to who seems to be the Sinner as well as per the Bloodstained Chivalry set:

In a similar manner as Clothar's wish in regards of Caribert and how he would even give his life for his son to regain clarity of mind if he was allowed, the Bloodstained Knight had his wish potentially at the price of his willing loyalty to the Abyss upon finding out about the truth of the curse of wilderness in Khaenri'ah.

To jump to the next point about the Abyss, looking into what happened to Dvalin and other details like Childe or even other fallen gods inside or outside the Seven's domain, it was safe to assume that the Abyss heightened one's negative traits or emotions by magnifying them in such way that it's hard to escape from the Abyss' grasp. This quest shed more light in the alluring way that the Abyss has to attract creatures in, to make them feel better or even give them a sense of release somehow. Looking into this, Enjou's quote about how the Abyss is "intoxicating" makes all the more sense, as feeling better in a moment that one isn't at their best could be perfectly a feeling that one would want to seek and repeat. It's all the more interesting to see how easily someone can fall into the abyssal corruption like this and how it would take a very strong will to not give in to those urges (Dain, I'm looking at you, sir).

To conclude the matter of the Abyss, I wanted to point out the dichotomy of death vs life that is evident through the Abyss' existence but also Irminsul's and how one parallels the other in the sense that both have a sentience and a voice. In the Abyss' case through the undisclosed individual (I'll touch this later briefly) that claims to be a Sinner, and Irminsul. But not through Rhukkadevata or Nahida as per their connections to the tree nor the fact that Rhukkadevata was Irminsul's avatar, but as Irminsul with its own voice and sentience as per the Frostbearer:

And just like the Abyss has its form of "blessing", so does Irminsul in giving life not only to the whole world by spreading what it needs to be sustained, but also to select individuals as per the Doors of Resurrection mechanic:

In regards of the Sinner, there is not much more to say that I already didn't besides a small hypothesis of his identity as King Irmin based on the similarities between that warmth the Sinner seemed to exude while he had that feeling that something is wrong with him as King Irmin seemed to have according to the statuettes. Moreover, according to one of the writings that Kaeya had saved in secret of his father, Khaenri'ah wasn't in the best shape at least during King Irmin's final moments on the throne:

Remember always that it was the Alberich clan, who did not have royal blood, who stepped in as regents when the strength of the one-eyed king Irmin failed. Though we could not restore Khaenri'ah to life, we of the Alberich Clan should lead lives as those who blaze life fire, rather than those who wallow in the embers.

The last thing I want to mention is how interesting it is the prospect that strong abyssal creatures like the Abyss Herald: Frost Fall, Fortune Lector already existed before the foundation of the Abyss Order. Which suggests that there were more creatures as part of the Abyss (not the Abyss Order yet, although we do see the Hydro Herald Dain defeated, Enjou and other Lectors as part of the Abyss Order) and that they were at the Sinner's command. Perhaps they were humans before during King Irmin's reign and he had a small group of people that later on would follow after his steps.

[verflares]

(draconifies your zelink) oh whoops lol

+ an extra pic of em hanging out together :]

btw, you can find these guys on inprnt! both as a pair, or apart :] You Choose.

[zorosdimples]

Every ten years, two young adults from your village are offered to the King of Curses as human sacrifices.

The selection process is random—or so the elders claim, anyway; you suspect that mere happenstance isn’t the reason why the chosen ones are always orphans. What’s the harm in throwing away the lives of those who have no social status or home? Who will mourn their loss?

On a somber morning, inky clouds a funerary shroud over the earth, you aren’t surprised when a procession arrives at the door of your master’s home, announcing that you have the honor of serving the village this year. Unable to so much as gather your few belongings, you leave the residence immediately, heart heavy with foreboding.

The next several weeks are a blur. You reside in an old temple on the outskirts of the village where you begin the purification process. It is there that you meet your companion on this journey to premature death: a fellow orphan named Yuuji. To your knowledge, you have never met him before; you’re positive that you would remember him if you had—he’s too striking to forget.

Yuuji is tall and broad, his skin sun-warmed and tawny, freckles smattering his shoulders and face. His eyes are swirling pots of honey, smoother and richer than any you have ever seen—is the golden nectar as luscious and sweet as they claim? The shock of hair atop is head is a coppery gold, more befitting of royalty than a poor farmhand.

But perhaps his most distinct features are the identical, crescent-shaped scars that rest beneath his eyes. You wonder how they got there and what they mean. Are they an omen? A generational curse? A mark of death? You may never muster the courage to ask him, though, as the day of your offering is tomorrow.

The wind whips the hem of your silk robes, the chilly air seeping to your bones, a shiver wracking your frame. You wobble to you knees before the shrine as you begin reciting the sacrificial rites—the elders standing back at a safe distance—waiting for the King of Curses to claim you. Your heart is a storm: sorrowful rain, vengeful thunder, thrilling lightning. Amidst the chaos of your thoughts, Yuuji grasps your left hand, his palm dwarfing your own.

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispers.

You glance at him in your periphery; a smile tugs at the corners of his lips. What makes you so sure? you want to ask. The words are on the tip of your tongue as his scars open to display another set of eyes a bloody claret, dark tattoos creeping across his face and limbs. He speaks with a gravely voice, much deeper than he ever has before:

“This isn’t the end, brat—it’s just the beginning.”

[yardsards]

laios when his party needed more members:

[echotunes]

Hugo, two hours after joining QSMP, being so immersed in the qlobal translator's existence that he tried to use it irl to thank his McDonald's deliveryperson

Hugo: Ich hab... Ich hab grade zum Lieferanten "dankeschön" gesagt weil ich dacht'—ich hab mich so dran gewöhnt Deutsch zu reden, weil das automatisch übersetzt wird in QSMP, dass ich dachte, dass—dass meinem Lieferant das dann auch übersetzt wird. Bro! [cut] Digga das—ich erklär's nochmal ganz kurz. Also ich wohn' ja auf Madeira. Und die reden ja hier kein Deutsch. Digga, 'n Lieferant kommt hier hin, ich sag so "hello", ne, da hab—da wusst' ich irgendwie noch ok, Englisch. Bruder auf einmal sie gibt mir ne Tüte und ich sag "danke!" Weil ich— weil ich mit QSMP dachte dass das automatisch übersetzt wird—wird. Ich wa—ich—digga, das is' halt, das triggert dein Gehirn halt komplett.

(translation: I just... I just said "dankeschön" ("thank you" in German) to the deliveryperson because I thought—I'm so used to speaking German, because it's automatically translated in QSMP, that I thought that it would be automatically translated to my deliveryperson. Bro!

[cut] Bro that—I'm gonna explain it again for a sec. So I live in Madeira. And they don't speak German here. Bro, a deliveryperson comes here, I said "hello", like, at that point I still knew okay, English. And brother suddenly they give me a bag and I say "danke!" Because I—because with QSMP I thought it would be automatically translated. I—bro, that's just, that just fully triggers your brain.)

[shalom-iamcominghome]

I've been doing a lot of reflection as of late, especially after this past class.

This past class was about the Torah and Tanakh in general, and the way the rabbi talked about the commandments (specifically the ten commandments) has made me really reflect on how I interpret them, specifically the fifth commandment, or honoring your mother and father.

This is a commandment I have wrestled with for a long time - in fact, it brought me away from g-d at multiple times. I was severely abused when I was incredibly young by my mother, and I used to feel insulted at the implication that I were to honor her while she got to live a better life. It was hypocritical, in my eyes.

But this rabbi surmised that this particular commandment was because parenthood is an act of creation, something that is like the g-d from which we come from. My realization is this: I don't think we're necessarily meant to take even these commandments literally.

I this particular commandment is more of a call to honor creation - creation is a gift, and like any gift, many people simply will not like it and will discard it. The person who abused me created me, but she did not honor creation. She didn't honor me, but I can still honor it.

I have started to honor creation much more. I'm too young, too unstable, not mature enough to be a father (though I fantasize about it), but I create all the time. I create relationships, I create with my hands through crochet. I create memories, I create my world. And I can honor who I am and where I came from that made me who I am. I've been learning one of the mother tongues of my family (Italian, since part of my family originates there) and it was judaism that inspired me to do this.

I don't think g-d wants me to honor my abuser. I think He wants me to remember the Holy action of creation. When I am a father, that act of creation will be Holy, and indeed, I am already joyful about the thought.

I have seen many people struggle with this particular commandment, but I think this perspective helps me personally. I don't think I ever have to forgive my abusers (plural), and I don't think I am commanded to simply because they happened to be family. I am commanded to recognize the holy, to elevate the mundane. In doing so, I will remember g-d. Through creation, I honor g-d and everything he has done for us, for me, and for our collective people.

[confusedmothboy]

main party as political slogans plus izutsumi (i wanna turn these into stickers so bad)

[mossy-aro]

ultimately i think my insistence on aro positivity honestly is as much a political stance as a personal one.

when i say aro positivity is crucial and that i dislike doomer-ist posts that express sentiments like 'I hate being aro so much I wish I was dead instead’ it's not because I don’t think there can and should be a space for negativity and acknowledging self-hate, or the many ways being aromantic can really suck sometimes. i find that to be very important!

that being said. there is smth here about how self-hate posts are sometimes just arophobia that we inflict on ourselves. and when we put that out into the ether it (intentionally or not) can become arophobia that we inflict on other members of the community. i think there absolutely needs to be a place for negativity and the expression of anger and frustration and self loathing even - these are all good things to talk about because these are things that we experience. that being said, it can also be genuinely upsetting and triggering to people to have what is essentially arophobia shown to them and then have that be validated by other aspec people. your personal thoughts can affect your wider community on a level you may not anticipate. and i understand it i truly do! it took me so long to be able to recover from accepting being aroace - it threw my entire world off kilter and made me question everything about my place in the world.

but my insistence on aro joy and positivity is because ultimately i do believe that building is at the core essence of it all. that ultimately discussions and the purpose of community should be about construction, not destruction. and this is both a personal and a political stance. talking about how much you hate yourself and cultivating online discussions/spaces where negativity about aspec identity is the main and only theme is destructive - if that’s where we let the conversation end. these thoughts can and should be used as a vehicle to look for a path forward!

joy and positivity create a space where the focus can become on forging a path forward, on construction, on community building instead of tearing ourselves and others down with negative thoughts. it’s not productive or healthy when it stops at a place of negativity - it becomes actively destructive to the essence of community.

and i do think that this is especially poignant considering the fact that being any kind of queer, but especially aromantic (and/or asexual) means forging a path for yourself and making your own happiness where there is no obvious way forward. our communities exist mostly online (right now, anyway), there is little recognition of our existence in the real world, the effects of amatonormativity are both pervasive and actively dehumanising, and there are legal, economic and social structures in place actively making our lives more difficult. yes that all sucks! it’s good to acknowledge that. we need to in order to change it. but more importantly, that’s not the end. we are still here and our happiness, our future is for us to determine. even if we can’t change the laws or society, loving yourself and understanding aromanticism as a political identity (as well as personal), as a radical worldview, and as a protest against amatonormativity is essential for both community and personal well being. the personal is political.

tldr. i guess my point is that as a community, we should focus on building, improving, and nurturing ourselves and each other (construction) as opposed to destruction. we should recognise aromanticism and asexuality as political identities as well as personal ones and rely on community and self-love in the absence of anything else as a form of protest and political power. destruction (the recognition of everything that is wrong) is essential as a starting point - but where do we go from there? we rebuild.

[puppyeared]

personal character design headcanons + brainrot

Note: the re-bound!au does NOT belong to me, it belongs to @chipper-smol I’m just not normal about it lol

[liesmultixxx]

annabeth being picked by percy for the quest without hesitation gives off major “for the first time in my life i wasn’t picked last in gym class” vibes

and if i had that when i was younger, i too would’ve fallen head over heels for that person :3

[sneez]

thinking about gwynplaine having speech loss episodes and using tactile sign language to communicate with dea :-) please don't tag as body horror or anything similar [id in alt text]

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

[skrunksthatwunk]

thinking about how eiji's a pole vaulter and how ash talks about eiji "flying" and how eiji's associated with bird imagery and how eiji's free (unlike ash) and how eiji comes in on a plane and leaves on a plane and how ash cannot fly, ash cannot be free, how nyc is ash's prison, and how ash is the leopard who dies climbing the mountain, unable to live at such elevation, how he was trying to reach the sky and be free but was always stuck to the earth, how he chose to die instead of climbing back down, how he chose to die where he could see the sky and hope and freedom almost like a bird with eiji's letter right in front of him rather than letting everything go wrong and ruin it once again, how eiji's a failed pole vaulter anyway, how a bad fall ruined his career and grounded him (physically and emotionally), how it took flying to america and meeting ash and needing to save him and skip for him to try flying again, how he landed hard and harsh and still the thought of that escape compelled ash to protect eiji at all costs because if he could fly that means something to him, even if he doesn't think he can fly, how eiji is the manifestation of his hope and how when he breaks and asks eiji to stay with him a while he folds himself over his legs and weighs him down and traps him and grounds him, how ash fights like hell to keep eiji alive not because he thinks he can be like him (hopeful, flying, innocent), but because he makes him forget the gravity of his situation, and so he can see eiji fly again. how he wants to see him escape. how eiji is a bird and ash is a wildcat and how ash never once saw eiji as prey. how eiji never saw ash as a predator. how it is eiji's naivete that first endears ash to him, how it is his freedom and flight and removal from darkness and his ability to leave that darkness that really roots eiji in ash's blood as something essential to him keeping on living in this hell of nyc. how it is that distance from the violence and that hope for the future that ash chooses to surround himself in as he dies. how ash dies in a dream because he feels more than anything that he can't fly like eiji, that he can never leave. how his violence is a part of him and will be forever, how it weighs him down. how he wants to enjoy the view from the mountainside rather than looking up from the ground below. as if they can both fly. as if he is with him up there and not grounded. eye-to-eye with what he can't have, seeing eiji's homeland: the sky. how he dies trying to reach the top because he couldn't take retreating and trying again. how ash, tired and tired and tired and convinced it will go on forever if he crawls back down the mountain, chooses to close his life deluged in eiji, in eiji's insistence that they can fly together, in eiji's hope for him and for them, in eiji's beautiful dream. how ash dies without trying to realize that dream. how ash, in dying, destroys it.

[pigswithwings]

A Guide On Lessening Yourself

(Or, What To Do Before They Cut You Open)

This guide has been created to prepare you for your upcoming procedure. Please read carefully and follow all directions in order to have the safest experience.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

- Do not eat. (Required; at least 3 hours before the procedure starts. No meats, no vegetables, no grains, and especially no fruits. Any remaining food that is being digested will get in the way.)

- Do not drink. (Required; at least 2 hours before the procedure starts. No water, soda, juice, soup, milk, coffee, or energy drinks. Any remaining fluids will get in the way.)

- Do not bleed. (Required; at least 1 month before the procedure. No paper cuts, nosebleeds, injuries or other form of your own blood leaving your body. Restriction of the expression of your mortality is imperative.)

- Do not dream. (Strongly suggested; at least 1 month before the procedure starts. No daydreams, no hopes, no wishes, no lifelong goals, and no nightmares. Avoid losing yourself within any fantastical trappings - these are the vestiges of a mortal mind.)

TIPS:

BEFORE

- Make sure to confirm your procedure date. Whether by checking online, asking your doctor, or praying, it's of utmost importance that you remember the specific time and day of your event.

- Make certain that this procedure is for you.

Though the process has already been scheduled, you still have options if you're unsure. Asking God or previous patients are the most authentic ways to learn about this process. Consider the benefits and consequences of the procedure as a whole - this will undoubtedly affect your life, but will it be more negative rather than positive? Will you be able to be happy again? If you are willing to accept such possibilities, continue on. Should you choose to, however, you may still opt out before the scheduled date by telling your doctor and/or healthcare provider.

DURING

- Make sure to arrive early to your procedure. Timeliness is key.

- Be flexible with your interviewers. Many angels are unfamiliar with human languages and may instead choose to communicate directly inside your mind. This may cause discomfort as well as the feeling of being stripped into nothingness. Don't panic and remember that you deserve a chance at holiness, regardless of your humanity.

- Be polite. Though your angel interviewers may have already visited Earth before, human customs are often difficult to adjust to. If an interviewer makes a social faux pas (such as revealing their true form), brush it off and continue the conversation as best you can.

- Be prepared for any questions regarding your past attachments, relationships, possessions, etc. If you've prepared well, you'll be able to answer with full honesty that you have left all possible remnants of humanity behind - that means no mistakes, no regrets, and no emotions.

- Should you pass the interview (you will be told after they have finished), be ready to experience anywhere from a small to large amount of pain. This experience usually lasts around 20 seconds, but some say it feels like an eternity of blinding, searing light. The scale of your pain will be a direct result of how successful you were at stripping away your humanity; the agony that follows will be the angels burning it off of you.

- Wait through the pain.

- Wait through the pain.

- Wait through the pain.

- Wait through the pain.

- Wait through the pain.

- Wait through the pain.

- Wait thought it.

- Wait through it.

- Wait

AFTER

- If you've successfully passed the interview, survived the procedure, and become an angel, congratulations! The following tips are only suggestions, but may help you in adjusting to your new existence.

- Avoid brightening your divine light too much at once. You'll quickly realize that your new eyes are far more adjusted to light than a human's, making the world appear dimmer than before.

- Avoid speaking out loud to others for the first few millenium, as this may cause harm if done incorrectly. Instead, practice "speaking" through the visual and audible expression of abstract concepts.

- Don't expect to visit Earth again. More often than not, angels avoid the human world (most say it's too painful to linger), so it's very unlikely that you'll return. Don't come back if you possibly can.

Finally, enjoy your new status as part of the divine. Not many people get to experience the feeling - you have made it! Please enjoy the rest of infinity.

[canines-crown]

Okay wait a second. I'm curious about something 🤨

Fellow alterhumans, is your kintype's gender the same as yours??

Because my dog theriotype is a MAN. And I am NOT a man!! My other theriotypes are all female, which fits me much better. Uhm... Anyone esle???