#I just can’t bring myself to work on anything that doesn’t make me feel insane (complex lace)

[candeathbereal]

Random Astro observations

-Aquarius suns without an Aquarius Mercury confuse me the most bruh. I think to a certain degree it has something to do with myself having my sun and Mercury in Aries so I don’t quite get people who don’t have their sun and Mercury in the same sign. Honestly it made me wonder about people who have an Aquarius placement even just one. I’m cool with them most times but if they have an Aquarius moon I tend to feel a disconnect emotionally. That will bring me to my next point.

-People who have a different element and modality to your moon sign will feel so disconnected most times. For me it would be anybody who has their moon in a sign like Aquarius or Scorpio. As a Virgo moon I have always found certain moon signs almost impossible to feel a connection like I have with certain signs like Taurus and Sagittarius. Like this is how the order goes for me (from intense and almost instant connection to damn do I even know when you are in the same room as me.) Sagittarius, Taurus, Capricorn, Virgo, Pisces, Gemini (really a hit or miss bro), Libra (mostly cause I can’t resist a Libra placement), Scorpio, Aries, Cancer, Leo, Aquarius. Now even then I am not entirely sure about this order of the signs. Tbh the only reason I put Scorpio before Aries is because of how many artist I listen to that have a Scorpio moon. Now I have met a good amount of Aries moons that I don’t feel that insane connection not even when their moon has a conjunction with any of my Aries placements. The only Aries moon that I can think of (at least right now) that I have felt an insane connection with is my grandma. Now my grandma is a Virgo sun with a Mercury in Libra, Venus in leo, and her mars is in Scorpio. So I feel like it influences me a bit more than some other placements would. Like I’m sorry leos but you guys do not influence me as much as I thought you guys did. I am pretty sure my grandma having both a Libra placement and a Scorpio placement is the main reason I connect with her so intensely. I love Leo placements but it’s just not the same vibes. ✨Anyways moving on✨

-Cancer suns with a sag moon (in my opinion) are so fucking nice to be around bruh. Are they the most emotional people? No, but that doesn’t make them assholes oddly enough unlike some sag placements I have seen…(sag Mercury I love the energy I really do but some of you either can’t read the room or have decided to close your eyes idk bruh). Sag moons are by far one of my favorite placements ever. I swear some have had the worst fucking childhood and yet don’t become a bitch like I am. Or as passive/people pleasing as the rest of the mutable signs (Virgo, Pisces, and Gemini) and yes I am included in that because I am very bad at confrontation and people interaction as a whole. People say they like me but I can’t understand their reasonings. If you think me listening to you vent makes me a great person I’m going to need you to raise your standards…

-Any negative aspect from the moon to one of your big six is a horrible placement to live with for us emotional babies. I speak as a person who has their moon forming an opposition with my Mercury and Venus while it forms a square aspect with my mars. Like I’m sorry I am not used to people comforting me when I’m sad. Idk how people can do it so easily. It is easier for me to just cry by myself than in front of others. It’s a work in progress for me.

-Honestly im glad I don’t have any negative aspects to Pluto tho…I don’t think I’d be able to handle a negative aspect. I have a couple positive aspects from my sun and ascendant to my Pluto and that shit is odd sometimes. I would love to hear some random shit that has happened to you guys with the negative aspects to Pluto. I feel like you guys have some interesting stories idk tho.

Anyways enough for me. Let me know anything you guys would want for me to talk about next or even just tell me some random shit.

[euphor1a]

Bewitched (iii)

↬ pairing: bad boy!yeonjun x good girl!oc

↬ characters: loner bad boy!yeonjun, heartthrob!soobin, best friend!beomgyu, female oc (can be read as f!reader too) + a few supporting characters.

↬ genre: college!au, bad boy!au, slow burn, drama, strangers to lovers, smut, a bit of unrequited love.

↬ summary: After starting college, you never really imagined that you’ll cross paths with Choi Yeonjun — the loner bad boy with influences. But life is full of surprises, ain’t it?

↬ rating & word count: 18+ ; ~3.1K

↬ warnings: profanity, mentions of anxiety, bullying, explicit sexual content; manhandling, dirty talk, fingering, orgasm denial.

↬ disclaimer: this is fictional and doesn’t reflect any of their actions or personality!

↬ previous 𓍯 series masterlist

↬ a/n: thank you to anyone who’s still interested in this baby of mine, i appreciate you a ton <3

You’re supposed to vacuum the apartment today, but you can’t seem to focus, at all. And honestly? It sucks. The more you’ve been trying to move on and be grateful to have dodged a bullet like him, the harder you’ve been thinking about the culprit nonstop.

Three days have passed since you found out a very shocking fact that has left your poor heart in a whirlwind. But you don’t know which is more terrifying — the fact that Daniel is Yeonjun and he lied about his identity, or the cold, harsh truth that you’re still insanely attracted to him. 

A dreary sigh escapes you. Life is not favoring you at all. It’s become such a pain in the ass at this point. Why did you have to fall for someone like him? It would’ve been so much easier if you had feelings for someone whom you know and trust, someone sweet and caring, like Soobin, or even Beomgyu.

Plopping down on your couch, you close your eyes. Things are looking very complicated right now. Not only the thought of that lying bastard has plagued your mind, but also, it’s hindering your daily life. You’ve been extremely unmotivated and anxious ever since the truth unfolded. You wish you had the power to fix everything, but alas, you don’t. 

You remember how Yeonjun looked at you under the moonlight, the way his soft lips devoured your mouth. Are bad boys really capable of such gentleness? You don’t know… from the start, you’ve stayed away from the problematic people, like “bad boys”, just as your parents instructed. And guys like Yeonjun, if you’re being honest — you still prefer to steer clear out of their way. Not the devil himself, though. He got you addicted so fast and so hard that it’s difficult to back out now.

As if to distract you from his thoughts, your phone rings loudly. You squint your eyes, letting the sound bring you back to reality. Soon after, you inhale sharply and reach for the device, your heartbeat picking up with stupid hope.

Turns out it’s Soobin. With a gentle smile on your face, you answer the call, his soft voice cooing in your ear.

“___, just wanted to check in! How are you holding up?” You calm down almost instantly, grateful to have someone like him in your life.

“I’m… alright, I guess. How about you, Soobs? Anything interesting going on?” You speak softly, not keen on making this gentle giant worried in any way.

“Ehhh, what a lame way of trying to change the subject. It didn’t work. You better be taking care of yourself, miss lady, or I’ll–” 

You cut him off midway, reassuring him. “Oh god, of course I am taking care of myself! Don’t worry!” 

“Hmph.” Soobin grumps on the other side. Even if he tries to come off as threatening, he really just ends up sounding adorable.

“Oh, come on now, don’t be mad at me…” your voice is adorably childish in the end, making him sigh. Why do you do this to him? 

“I’m not mad at you. But you do need to take care of yourself.”

“Did you really call me to lecture me about self-care?”

He groans at that. “So, what if I did?” 

You pout, trying to change the subject. “Soob, can I ask you for something?” 

“What is it?”

“Where did you meet Yeonjun that day? Just curious.” 

There’s no answer.

“Soobin?” 

He clicks his tongue. “At our college.” 

“I know that! I mean where at the college?!” you whine, clearly displeased.

“I can’t tell you.” 

“Why?” 

“Trust me, I’m doing you a favor.” 

“I didn’t ask for your favor, did I?” 

He ends the call, leaving you frustrated. Before you can call him back, you see a message pop up in your notifications.

Soobin: i think ___ is genuinely going crazy

Soobin: beomgyu, we gotta do something

___: Soobin… 

Soobin: gyu? this is urgent! 

Gyu: uhhh what now..? 😭

Soobin: she wants to know where i met yeonjun.

___: 😶

Gyu: girl why are you asking for trouble 

Gyu: if it’s something important we can talk to him about it 

___: Do I look like a five year old to you?

___: Why would you talk to him instead of me?

Soobin: you don’t understand, do you?

___: Understand what? This bs?!

Gyu: ___… 

Soobin: see, this is why it’s so hard to communicate with you 😔

Gyu: soobin! don’t! 

___: Wow, okay. I’ll leave you guys be.

Gyu: nono princess 🥺 don’t listen to him!! soobin is out of his mind!! 

Gyu: you can’t just leave us :( 

___: Damn right I can 🥰

Soobin: NO ONF IM SO SORRY 😭😭

Soobin: *omg i was just emotional and said whatever came in my mind i’m sorry

Gyu: this is such a mess 🥲

Soobin: don’t leave us 🥺🥺🥺🥺😔😔☹️☹️😢😢💔💔

___: Yeah whatever

Gyu: why do you want to meet yeonjun, anyway? 

___: *sigh*

___: It’s personal.

Soobin: uhm that’s suspicious 🙂

___: And you asking the very same Yeonjun for “help” isn’t? 

Soobin: ouch 🤕

Gyu: this guy… how many times do i have to tell you to watch your damn mouth 😒

Gyu: ___, i understand that it’s personal. but, as everyone says, it’s better to stay away from him.

___: You two don’t understand 😞

Soobin: i give up 

Gyu: soobin 😬

Soobin: i’ll text you the wing, floor and room no. 

___: Thank you, I guess

Soobin: you’re welcome bb 🥺

Gyu: soobin, you’re a whole goose 🙄

___: Huh? 

Soobin: GYU 🔪🔪🔪

Gyu: nothing lol

___: Okay 

Soobin: 🥺🥺

Gyu: 😧

___: ??? Bye

Gyu: just promise that you’ll be careful! 

___: Promise 🥰

Gyu: 😘

You smile as you notice Soobin’s direct message shortly after. Instantly giddy, you sent him a bunch of heart emojis.

It’s official. You’re gonna confront Choi Yeonjun. Face to face.

Next monday,

So, today’s the day. You’ve thought it through several times and took your time. Beomgyu did try his best to scare you off, but you’re not afraid of Yeonjun. Not at all.

Maybe because you know that he has a weakness for you. Or probably because the urge to meet him is too much and it’s numbing any other senses. Either way, here you are, walking through the hallway that leads to where he usually hangs around.

Tall, scary looking fellas stare you up and down, whispering to themselves as you walk up to the empty classroom, also known as his den. 

“Hey kitty, where are you going?” An edgy looking girl stops you, regarding you curiously. The unsolicited nickname throws you off, but you refuse to let that be visible. 

“Isn’t it obvious?” you shrug, hoping to appear nonchalant. They are kinda scary… 

Another guy comes up, his voice mocking, “This place isn’t for you, cutie. Go back to your class or something.” A bunch of other guys agree, laughing at you. 

Their ridiculous behavior makes you sigh. This type of people are the last ones you wish to deal with. “And who are you to tell me that, exactly!?” you state firmly, crossing your arms around your chest. 

A bunch of them chuckle, drawing more attention. “Aww look, she’s trying to bite back. How adorable.” 

“Really? Is that a way to treat someone?! If I’m here, that surely means that I have business with him, don’t you think?” you hiss in anger, glaring at everyone who gathers around to see the show.

Your words and attitude only fuel their laugh. A person from the crowd remarks, “Look, this little nobody thinks she has business with ‘him’, apparently.” 

More people join in to laugh at you, various remarks being thrown around carelessly. You start to feel cornered and humiliated, your hands turning into fists from frustration. 

“Why the hell is there so much noise? Do y’all want to be sent back or what?” A deep, commanding voice shuts everyone up. You turn around with bated breath, your body freezing immediately as your eyes register the familiar face. 

It’s him. The demon that’s been haunting you for weeks now.

Yeonjun seems pleasantly surprised when he sees you, but he quickly replaces it with his cold demeanor. “What was happening here?” 

The girl who approached you comes forward. “This… this kitty was trying to get into your office. So, I stopped her and asked what she was here for. Guess what? She was trying to be all sassy as if she’s the one in charge. Obviously, she got destroyed… hence all the noise.” 

His expression is unreadable for a second, and you wonder if you’re gonna be sent back empty handed. But then, Yeonjun glares at the gathered crowd menacingly, a hushed silence falling across the hallway. The ones at the front immediately lower their heads. “Judging a book by their cover now, are we? I don’t keep you guys around to assume if a kitty has business with me or not. And, last time I checked, stopping someone doesn’t include ridiculing them in front of everyone just to feed your petty little egos.”

“Jun, but–” one of the guys start, taking a step forward. 

“I don’t have time for your hollow excuses, get out of here immediately, all of you.”

“We’re sorry!” Several of them chime in, dispersing without looking back. But some throw you suspicious looks, earning another glare from Yeonjun. 

“My, my. Rebelling much? If you have a problem, then come over here and talk to me.” His raised voice booms through the space, making everyone leave with mumbled apologies. Once everyone is out of sight, he turns towards you, his eyes earnest. “I’m sorry for how they acted. They’re not used to seeing pretty, little, goody two shoes like you around here. But still, they were rude, and I apologize.”

You nod in acknowledgment, rolling your eyes. For some reason, his words feel insincere. But you have other things to worry about. Like, confronting him for his actions.

Before you can do or think anything further, Yeonjun grabs your wrist, gently pulling you inside the classroom. You gasp when he presses you up against the closed door, his body caging yours, a bit too close for your liking. 

His brown irises study you with curiosity. “Why are you here, ____?” 

You struggle against his grip, trying to move your hands away but failing. “Ugh– let me go!” Being so close to him makes you feel all mushy, and you don’t want to deal with that now.

Thankfully, he untangles one of his hands from yours, raising an eyebrow. “You didn’t answer my question.” 

“Pfft— Shouldn’t I be the one demanding for answers, Daniel?” 

Like the maniac he is, Yeonjun chuckles at that, shaking his head. “I see. What answers, if I may?” 

Is he kidding with you right now? What the hell is this attitude? “Why did you lie?” 

He stops at that, regarding you thoughtfully. “I had my reasons.” 

His monotonous reply pushes you off to the edge. Failing to hide your anger, you jab a finger on his chest, demanding clarity. “What reasons, Yeonjun? That you had to lie and play with my feelings for a day?”

Yeonjun grits his teeth, his grip tightening significantly on your wrist. “I did not play with your feelings, ___.” 

“Liar.” punching him on the chest, you try to take your hand away, but it backfires. He traps you inside his strong embrace, his hot breath fanning over your head. 

“What are you doing–”

He tips your chin upwards, his pupils dilated as he looks at you with a burning hunger. “You enjoy testing my patience, don’t you?” 

Your body shivers involuntarily, your lips just inches away from his. Swallowing nervously, you look away. But he grabs your chin, forcing you to look at him.

Yeonjun leans in, dangerously close to you. “I’m warning you, don’t play with fire. You’ll be suffering and I hate to admit it, but I’d be damned if that happens.” His whisper is hot against your lips, a weird feeling coiling in your stomach.

What the hell is he talking about? Why does he sound like he’s from a cliché forbidden romance fanfiction? 

“Well, what if I want to play with fire?” You suppress your wish to cringe, eyes challenging him to reply. A strange wave of emotions displays in his brown irises, his free hand forming into a tight fist. 

“Don’t blame me when you get burnt.” His lips crashes against yours swiftly. Yeonjun lets go of your arm, and you curl them around his neck, instinctively pulling him closer. He smiles in the kiss, as if victorious, his hand grabbing your ass and squeezing the flesh briefly. The stinging sensation makes you moan. 

Yeonjun grazes your lower lip with his teeth, asking for permission to ravish your mouth — which you gladly provide. His prying tongue slides past your lips, meeting with your tongue in a passionate kiss. You gasp in pleasure, pulling onto his hair when he starts trailing kisses down your jaw. Yeonjun backs you up against the only table in the room, his voice a growl. “Why do you do this to me? Fuck!” 

You look at him, your chest heaving as you try to process the mind-blowing kiss. But alas, he’s not done yet. 

“Are you here for this, huh?” He reaches to drag his thumb over your chin, forcing your gaze up to him. “Wanted my touch that bad? ___?” 

Liquid heat rushes through your veins when he moves his hands all over your body, brushing against your sensitive spots. He squeezes your breasts, enjoying the perky nipples that he feels through your clothes. “Tell me.”

“No!” You choke out, “I came here to ask you why you lied about your iden– ahh, god!” 

Yeonjun lowers his head to your neck, dipping his tongue to lick the sweet spot. You melt under his touch, both pleased and bewildered by the fact that he obviously hasn’t forgotten your most sensitive spots. His eyes are fixed on you as he brushes both his hands beneath your skirt, tracing them up to the edge of your panties. 

You throw your head back in pleasure, your knuckles turning pale as you grip on the edge of the table. “Please… ” you mewl, looking at him desperately. 

Yeonjun smirks, brushing your inner thighs. “Please what?” 

“I need you to touch me.” You sigh shakily, your eyes pleading with him. Apparently, he’s beyond teasing, because as soon as he reaches your soaked pussy, he pulls the piece of clothing to the side and pushes two of fingers into you.

“Yeonjun…” your head falls on to his shoulder while he pumps you gently, a groan escaping him. 

“Fuck, you’re drenched.”

He picks up pace, not giving you a moment to breathe. You cry out when he curls his fingers inside you, hitting your g-spot. His pace gets rougher, clearly fueled by your moans. 

When his thumb finds your clit, you clench around him, your breath coming in short gasps.

Yeonjun smiles complacently. “You love this, don’t you?” The pressure on your clit increases slightly. “You love that I’m the one doing this to you.”

Without waiting for an answer, he draws his now slick digits away and puts them in his mouth, depriving you of an orgasm. 

You whine, biting his neck from the frustration. Yeonjun makes you look at him, his voice dropping by an octave, “Bad girls don’t get to come.” 

You try to rock your hips, craving any type of friction that can satisfy you. But he stops you, growling in your ear, “It’s time to go back, sweetheart. I have work to do. As much as I’d love to do you instead… I can’t. Not now.” 

You look at him with dazed eyes, your voice a whimper, “You always leave me high and dry like this. I came here to confront, but you–” 

“Shh. I told you; I had my reasons. I was simply trying to protect you.” 

“Protect me from what exactly?” 

Dropping a kiss on your forehead, he retracts. “I’ll tell you the next time we meet, ___. If I find it feasible, of course. You should probably fix your clothes though…” 

You look at your disheveled state, sighing. “You’re not trying to get rid of me, are you?” 

Yeonjun looks offended. “You clearly don’t know me yet.” 

“But–”

“No buts. Don’t you have classes or some shit?” 

You yelp at that, suddenly remembering where you exactly are. Quickly climbing down from the desk and fixing your clothes. While you finger brush your stray waves, he regards you intently. 

“Like what you see?” 

Yeonjun chuckles, nodding. You walk up to the nearby window to see your state, the dusty glass surprisingly reflecting quite well. “Tsk, thank god I wear a transfer-proof lip tint. All of my lip-gloss is gone however, and it looks weird.” 

“You don’t have a bag with you, though. How are you gonna reapply?” 

You sigh. “I left my bag with Soobin. I’ll just reapply later.” 

“Wait.” Yeonjun walks up to you slowly. “Won’t it look suspicious, though? I have a lip balm, does that work?” He offers you a small tube of strawberry scented lip balm. 

“Well, it won’t look the same but obviously it’ll be somewhat glossy.” 

“Then take it.” 

You quirk an eyebrow at him, gingerly taking the tube from his hand. His eyes follow each of your little movements as you part your lips a bit and apply the lip balm, pouting at the end which makes him chuckle. 

“Thanks, here you go.” You proceed to give it back, but Yeonjun shakes his head, throwing his hands up. 

“You can keep it for yourself. It suits you so well.” 

“Oh?” A bit surprised, you look at the cutesy tube of lip balm in your hands. “Thank you…? Won’t you need it though? Your lips look a bit dry, even now.” 

“Are my lips dry? Hold on.” Yeonjun leans in for a peck, his lips firmly landing on yours. Your heart skips a beat from his sudden action, butterflies in your stomach. Why’s he so??? 

He pulls back soon enough, rubbing his lips together. “Thanks, baby.” The glint in his eyes indicate that he’s enjoying this exchange very much, only causing your heart to go mayhem.

Nodding, you start to walk away nervously. You cross the room quicker than expected, hand resting on the lock of the door.  “We are not done yet, Choi Yeonjun.” As you look back one last time, you feel a strange sting in your chest. 

Yeonjun tilts his head, smiling, “Oh, trust me, this is just the start.”

end of part iii ↺ next

˗ˏˋ꒰ 💌 end notes ꒱

thank you so much for reading!! it’s been a while but i hope this was a fun read! 🩷 sorry for any mistakes left in there!

as always, reblogs and comments are highly appreciated! your support keeps me motivated 🌺🌟 you can also send feedback through asks <33

[thepunkmuppet]

UNHOLYVERSE CLOSING THOUGHTS YIPPEEEE YIPPEE YIPPEE

it’s 1am and I’ve finished it :)

the plot was fucking amazing as was the writing, it was like a really really good tv show, or maybe an amazing movie (pt1) and its slightly more deranged sequel (pt2 and 3). I think I definitely preferred all things unholy as a whole, but yeah the next parts really did feel very sequel-like, in that the first one was The Story and the second and third were building on that first core story, expanding the characters and world. which ummmm btw the lore is insane??? so much going on lmfao but I think it all worked really well. the fallout boy stuff was fucking wild though icl because WHAT 💀 I’m also obsessed with the idea of god talking to frank in the form of the cardinal dream, that worked soooo well and still leaving it open at the end is great. I’m so glad frank and gerard got a happy ending, I ship those stupid twats SO hard I’m literally clawing at the walls they make me INSANE RRAAHHHH!!! icl I really didn’t care about mikey and ray’s romance like at all but it worked as a source of conflict and was pretty cute

I kind of forgot it was meant to be mcr fanfic for a while lmfao, which brings me on to I guess the most important part which is my main takeaway on the whole rpf thing

as I’ve said in a post before, I really struggle to picture voices and faces accurately in my head when reading. well except when it comes to buffyverse characters, but that’s just because those shows are so deeply ingrained into my psyche forever that istg I could literally channel buffy summers at this point and just become her. lmfao but yeah I really struggle with that! so when I’m reading, I just kind of create a vibe, a vague mind’s-eye image of a character, it’s very hard to explain. so for me these frank, gerard, mikey, etc characters were subconsciously already way far removed from the real people, like I had to consciously make an effort to make them sound and look exactly like them in my head. but like I said, it felt like a real piece of media like a tv show or something, so to me the unholyverse characters are just that - characters. it really felt like mcr playing movie roles lmfao which I was perfectly happy with. the romance and other relationships were written soooooo well, the real problem was ofc the smut!

I don’t like smut in general, not in a judgy or censor-y way, I just get no joy or kick out of reading it and all it does is make me feel awkward. but with rpf smut, even though I see unholyverse frank and gerard as fictional characters, I can’t ignore the fact that THIS IS FULLY EXPLICIT WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY PORN BEING WRITTEN ABOUT REAL PEOPLE 💀 read it write it all you want, personally I find it uncomfortable and it just doesn’t do anything for me. made me think too much about the fact that it WAS rpf, yk?? got me thinking about the real frank and gerard and how fucking weird it would be to read smth like that about yourself idk, also the fact they have wives and kids…. 😟 gosh idk it was very very well-written smut, it just made me so icked out the more I thought about it

but anyway, OVERALL: I loved it. it was so good, will definitely reread, bookmark, and think about it for a very very very long time. possibly scream and cry and tear my hair out too, idk. part 1 was my favourite by a long shot, it’s so iconic, and feels pretty removed from parts 2 and 3 in a nice way that makes it feel like a movie and its strange sequel. I’ve discovered I like rpf when it’s good and when it’s a complete au and the people feel like original fictional characters in their own right. I don’t enjoy rpf smut, though, AT ALL, which isn’t a surprise bc I don’t enjoy smut in general, the rpf aspect just made it way more uncomfy for me personally. kind of feel the need now to bleach my brain out and consume normal mcr content just to remind myself of the disconnect between unholyverse frerard and the real people lmfao

OH ALSO THAT

I do NOT ship frerard irl, that shit’s fucking weird don’t do it. yes there is a difference between fic like this and saying two married friends and colleagues in real life are actually in love with and attracted to each other. I do for sure ship unholyverse frerard, as I’ve said they’re fictional characters to me

[maygrcnt]

do you think the Oliver stark interview hinted at bi feeling realizations at all (in general/outside of a romance), or do you think there is something else that is gonna happen on Buck’s journey of self discovery and fans are just reading into what they want? im personally so conflicted. Like I absolutely see it reading as sexuality realizations but overall it’s still vague enough it really could be anything. However, I am having a hard time thinking of what “anything” else could be unless they really are hiding a female LI (new or return) or revert back to the hamster wheel. I guess there is also job/career stuff as well but that looks like it might be going to Eddie/another character, though the “I can’t tell you how to feel about the job” and promo pics for the episode could all be misdirects to who they are geared towards (🤷‍♀️).

There’s so much of me that wants to say yes absolutely. but i try to keep myself grounded and not get too excited so like ill hit you with a strong maybe?? but here’s why i do think that a sexuality storyline is in store based on some of the points you brought up here:

you’re so right that he definitely kept it very vague which is where my skepticism comes in, but i’m rly similar to you in where i just can’t find anything else that makes sense.

if we go down the job security route, well first of all we’ve done that before, god have we done that before. the lawsuit storyline happened and if we have to revisit the idea of buck feeling like he’s not useful if he’s not a firefighter after that… idk i will probably lose faith in this shows writers. Within the professional sense there’s also the idea of insecurity in professional development which we did last season (we also got the most insanely buddie coded conversation that started couch theory through that storyline which i think is… of note). but then there’s just the fact that why in the fuck would he be envious of eddies relationships if it’s about work? like there’s the idea that eddie could go to a different place to work and he would be jealous that eddie is doing new things with his job and he isn’t but, idk there’s just not a lot of substance there to me.

the word envy was very purposefully used in my opinion and i think it’s def telling us that this is much more of an interpersonal issue than professional. that then brings us to the idea of female love interests and the hamster wheel. when you think about the storyline with lucy in place of tommy… things get more interesting. because if buck is instead envious of lucy and eddie getting closer together then there’s this idea of the fake out: buck had something romantic with lucy once so he doesn’t like that someone else he knows is getting close to her but SURPRISE he actually wants eddie. like in my mind that’s how the story was supposed to go if lucy was here, but with tommy they maybe had to tweak and twist it a bit.

i got off track there but i guess in short, yes i really do feel as though a sexuality arc is coming. because anything else would either just be boring or a rehash of old news. but we’ll see! thank you for the ask mwah

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

Fuck audhd paralysis and catatonia and executive dysfunction my dogs deserve to go outside and play but I can’t stand up they’re just eagerly sitting there whining and staring at me because I put my coat on but then made the mistake of sitting down and I feel like I’m torturing them I want to stand up so bad but I couldn’t stop scrolling so I made this post anyway comorbidities are so cruel

I just need to take them outside for like a minimum of fifteen minutes and if I cannot bring myself to actually play with them I at least need to allow them the opportunity to run around on their own and sniff the grass for a bit.

If I get a decent amount of rest soon maybe I can walk them. It’s really hard because I’m only strong enough to walk one of them at a time (I have two) and they’re trained not to pull or bolt at squirrels etc but if anything went wrong idk it just makes me nervous, the two of them could easily overpower me. So I have to blend something to spread onto a silicone mat so the one left at home doesn’t go absolutely insane with jealousy and all that food prep is so much extra work then I have to get that set up for one of them while I walk the other one and that’s a whole extra step again and then I have to do that part all over again and I also the. have to clean up the food mess and 8 paws. That’s so much stuff. Plus two walks for me. I should be going on zero walks probably, at least without a mobility aid. But it feels cruel and abusive that I hardly every walk my dogs anymore.

Im not pure evil they spend a lot of time chasing tennis balls in the back yard which takes care of physical exercise in general but it’s not the same kind of stimulation as going for a walk and taking in new sensory input every day. It breaks my heart but it’s also still a much better life than they would have at a shelter like where we rescued them from. And they were both returns, so this could very well be genuinely what’s best for them in the grand scheme of things. That’s what I always tell myself

Anyway. For now I just wanna get up and play with my dogs and get other things done, like eat for example, but I’m stuck sitting down 🙃

[authortobenamedlater]

Oh, and even tho I know nothing about b5, Half baked B5Halo has me INTRIGUED.

(Hey @infinityactual you might find this interesting re: our conversation this morning.)

Send me WIP asks.

So. This got LONG. Sorry not sorry.

This not-story has the working title “For Such a Time As This” owing to a scene in my head where Delenn says “Perhaps the universe has brought us all together for such a time as this.”Appropriating Bible verses for the Minbari, oh yeah.

Right now this document is just a collection of ideas about how these universes might interact, and a few scenes/ideas. Such as:

- Infinity’s communications officer falls and breaks her nose when they crash out of slipspace. Lasky is shoving gauze at her when Babylon 5 makes contact. He shows up on the station with blood all over his uniform and his first conversation with Sheridan is something like “Do you have laundry around here? Also, what year is it?”

-Garibaldi and Palmer have to chase Halsey around the station. They bond over a shared love for Loony Toons. Palmer is a Roadrunner and Coyote girl, change my mind.

- Franklin is utterly furious when he finds out about the Spartan program. And that’s just the IVs. He doesn’t even know about the IIs.

- Lasky is insanely envious that B5’s computer can turn the attitude OFF and that cryo is not widely used in their world.

- Ivanova and Palmer become besties and give their respective captains a few headaches.

- Garibaldi wants to keep the Spartans because WOW are they useful for security.

- Various Halo characters grappling with the “who are you/what do you want” questions (I have ideas about this I will save for another post).

- What a fight with the Shadows might look like with Infinity in the mix. Seeing as Infinity is more powerful than anything in the B5 world. Sheridan and Lasky would make a fascinating team, too.

- How the Shadows would end up using Halsey, because even she couldn’t outwit them, and the trouble she could make in another universe.

- Lasky muses at some point how Babylon 5 gives him hope that one day humans and aliens can all work together peacefully; maybe the UEG should give something like this a shot. Palmer tells him, “You know they’d want you to run it” and Lasky is like F—- NO.

Now, all my reasons for why this epic will never make it out of my head:

Altering the B5 storyline (namely having to scrap the tensions with Earth for simplicity’s sake) would feel to me like sacking the Jerusalem temple.

I’d need to know even MORE about B5 lore than I already do, not like I’d have a problem with that research project, and a whole lot more about Halo than I do. On that last point, I am married to a walking Halopedia who would gladly tell me everything and then some.

There’s also the matter of having to make several OCs for the Halo side. Aside from Lasky, Palmer, and Roland, we don’t meet many of the Infinity crew. Does Lasky even have a first officer? I mean, he obviously does, but does he ever talk to this person? We got through all of Spartan Ops and Halo 5 with nary an XO in sight.

Finally, silly as this may sound, I’m no Straczynski and don’t trust myself with his characters and universe. I have no problem taking a sledgehammer to Halo because it’s great and fun and sometimes just mind-bogglingly stupid. But B5 is so brilliant I can’t bring myself to touch it. I would be scared of incurring the wrath of my fellow fans and also probably feel like I had to write JMS a letter of apology.

—

I WAS going to post a snippet from this mess of an AU but I’ll put it in a reblog later to keep this post from getting even longer.

[libulanns]

I was thinking through my relationship with my parents today and I have concluded this about my mother and I just think it’s fascinating; 

To my mother, she does not love or care about me because I am just a product of her failure to her. She does not see children as living, breathing individuals. She seems children as a means to an end; mostly, as a means to strengthen her relationship with other people, including of course, men, and even her own mother and her own siblings and friends. She only ever wanted all of her children as a means to strengthen her relationship to our fathers, and all of those relationships failed. We are no longer useful to her in achieving her wants and goals, so it brings her absolutely nothing to acknowledge us or to have us in her life. Again, to her, we’re not people she can have her own relationship with. We are just tools to work on her other relationships in her life, with individuals she cares about it. And this doesn’t bother me or make me feel anything negative because it fundamentally says nothing about me. Again, it can’t possibly say anything about me, because to her, I’m not even me. I am just her daughter. That’s a role that anybody could fill. It makes no difference to her if I’m (first name, last name) because no matter what my name is, to her, I’m still just her daughter and a product of a failed relationship. I’m something she tried to use to reach a goal that ultimately didn’t help her get there. To her, I serve no purpose. 

And people have said a lot about her in the past, saying she’s a narcissist. And I thought maybe she was too for a while, because this is something I’ve intuitively known about her since I was a little kid. It’s something I’ve always known unconsciously regardless of whether I could articulate it. This is how she views her children. It’s also how she views many people in general. She views people as means to an end, as tools to get what she wants. But I don’t think she is. I think if you strip our thoughts back to their bare bones, and we’re all completely honest with ourselves, we only use people as means to an end. I thought about why I myself want children today, too. And ultimately I think it would just to be to occupy some of my time here on earth. Because I tell myself I want kids because I want to give my love to people. I want to love something unconditionally. But unconditional love doesn’t exist. If my kid did something evil, like abuse, I wouldn’t love them anymore. I would certainly get to love them a lot though, while they are babies. And hopefully they would become a person I could continue to love. But they often don’t. I refuse to put any expectations or further hopes on my potential future children. Because I don’t want to be disappointed lol. I know it’s very unlikely they will be how I hope, so I don’t hope they’ll be any particular way. I just hope they won’t like, punch me in the face or something or be violent lmao. And really, that’s just hoping to have some company and something to occupy my time. I don’t know. Maybe I am insane or a psychopath, I’ve wondered that before 😂 I just find it hard to believe that my mother is a narcissist for the way she views people sometimes. 

[golbrocklovely]

since i have nothing else to post right now…

here’s the last of colby’s tweets from 2020.

i don’t have proof that these are his tweets, but believe me, they are his.

if it’s bold and italicized, it’s someone’s tweet to him.

if it’s in (), that’s just me commenting lol

added bonus: if they have a * next to them, that means it’s been deleted

~~~~~~~~~~

Oct. 1 - love doing things for myself

Oct. 4 - i’m in so much pain. sos

fan: u ok?

poison oak. everywhere …. everywhere.

Oct. 5 - i like the simple things

Oct. 7 - less is more

Oct. 10 - i wanna make you happy

how am i so busy during the day but still manage to find 2 hours to mindlessly scroll through tik tok? i can’t be the only one

Oct. 14 - i care too much

Oct. 15 - somehow it wasn’t enough

Oct. 18 - fan: I CANT BE THE ONLY ONE WHO ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT COLBY SMELLED LIKE..I WANA KNOW WHAT COLOGNE HE WEARS

mayonnaise

(i hate this man so much lmao)

Oct. 19 - Justin Bieber’s new song made me tear up, that dudes been through so much. no one could even imagine what that’s like.. achieving everything and being in the biggest spotlight at such a young age.

Oct. 20 - @/samgolbach: less than 6 months ago i broke my back. and i decided to take that as a challenge to get healthy again. and today i ran the fastest mile i’ve ever run. so yes, i might be an idiot but i’m a determined idiot 🤘🏼🏃🏼

🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 that’s an insane accomplishment ! i remember when it was a struggle to stand up out of bed

new day, same cycle

Oct. 21 - my mom is texting me all the young pictures of me and it’s bringing me memories i didn’t know i had

Oct. 25 - panic attacks late at night are the worst

Nov. 1 - @/colbybrockscar: reminder that it’s no nut November!!! @/ColbyBrock doesn’t even have to try. He’s got this shit in the bag. It probs comes out like baby powder if he tries

did my car just roast me ?

Nov. 4 - this is scary

cuties! all 3 of you! (reply to fan in merch with friend and cat)

Nov. 6 - @/GracynCarr: I can’t believe the audacity of a high school tweet to pop up on my timeline lmao.. miss u tho @/ColbyBrock :)

hope you're well xx

Nov. 8 - so much talent thank youu love (reply to fan's art)

fan: Um. So I tweeted this to you before but alot has also changed since then sooo wanted to say thank you 🖤 🖤 @/ColbyBrock

proud of you, and good luck with your dreams darlin 🖤 you can accomplish anything with the right mindset and hard work. i believe in ya

time flies, and i’m so scared of losing my youth. it’s inevitable i know, but damn makes you wanna cherish every moment you got

Nov. 11 - i hate when nothing is wrong but nothing feels right

Nov. 12 - the person who makes you forget about the rest of the world

Nov. 13 - today marks 6 years since we posted our first YT video on the MAIN S&C account .. 🖤 what a wild ride

Nov. 14 - promise you i’m a good waste of time

Nov. 15 - @/katstuartmusic: “sunday is my funday” - colby brock 2020

🥂💁🏻‍♂️💁🏻‍♂️

fan: Colby u get drunk off of one white claw

fight me

other fan: my money is on mags

round house kicks to the face don’t feel too good

(is it bad that i like when colby gets weirdly violent with us sksksks)

Nov. 16 - the Why Dont We dudes are some of the nicest people in LA

*Nov. 17 - @/gabytriana: It’s out! Sam and Colby were so much fun to work with, and despite what Colby said, I did not hate him when we first met! 😆 Both he and Sam are super kind, smart, generous entertainers who know how to tell a good story! I love them both!! Happy Book Birthday, @/samandcolby

hahaha thank youu so much for all the hard work ! so excited it’s finally here

(interestingly enough, colby didn't delete his tweet… gaby did)

Nov. 19 - went to a Pyschic Reader tonight. my mind is blown. im not a skeptic anymore, video coming tomorrow

fan: Get ready for religious people to freak out

the psychic i talked to was religious, i’m not sure how but i think the two concepts can exist at the same time

Nov. 21 - hard to trust

fan: @/ColbyBrock hey, i love u lots

love you 🖤

Nov. 23 - fan: imagine if @/ColbyBrock responded to this

could you imagine

Nov. 24 - fan: lmao okay so my friend put this together when I FINALLY received Colby's reaper merch yesterday and I had to laugh, I am actually stupid. But I thought it was a lil funny so y'all can see it too then xx

hahahha love it. thank you. you’re not a sack of potatoes in my eyes

Nov. 27 - happy b day @/SamGolbach you know this and imma save the sappy shit for your big 25th bday but i wouldn’t be here without you. you’re the most intelligent, deep thinking dude i’ve ever met and i feel pretty damn lucky to be able to call you a business partner AND best friend

Nov. 28 - take it easy

Nov. 30 - should i hop back on tik tok?

Dec. 2 - @/aaron_doh: At least I got a photo shoot out of it 😄

whaaat. dude i wish you a speedy recovery

Dec. 3 - it’s hard to move on

Dec. 5 - a nice escape is all i need

welp. i guess i’m a lightweight

Dec. 9 - miss you

Dec. 14 - all the baggage that comes with me

Dec. 15 - been workin hard for you , announcement tomorrow

fan: omg are you pregaganant

how'd you know

@/samandcolby: announcement tomorrow… 2021 will be the best year of our lives (and probably most difficult)

fan: are we getting married?? is that why?

yes

i hate how having anxiety makes me nauseous. it’s the worst feeling

Dec. 16 - it’s all about living in the moment and making every. second. count.

fan: yeah @/ColbyBrock how much are you charging for tattoos…

free for you

Dec. 18 - big tool pic but i’ve been workin hard

@/mannymua733: we absolutely do not mind

hahahaha

(god damn… this pic is still so good lol)

also cold weather always makes me want a special someone to spend time with. cuddle buddy is neeeeeded

fan: okay but can we just take a second to appreciate how hard colby’s been working in the gym because dayum

thank you sweeeetheart

fan: HELP COLBY IS TRENDING

yoo i love you guys 🥺

Dec. 20 - got tatted last night and i barely remember

how i feel this morning (pic of him floating)

fan: you’ve seen elf on the shelf… but have you seen cole in a hole? (@/ColbyBrock)

i’m mad i laughed at this

Dec. 23 - why’d ya have to change on me

so bittersweet saying goodbye to my childhood home of 18 years… i’ll only be back to kansas to visit and sleep in hotels from now on. strange feeling, but so happy for my mom and dad for taking a chance and moving

it’s like i don’t have a real “home” anymore. since i move so much anyways it’s hard to find a spot to actually call home

fan: i just want to say that colby has helped me through so much this year. i had a tough year as many others did but you’ve seriously have helped me through so much. i love you so so much @/ColbyBrock

awh that’s why i make videos in the first place. for people like you

Dec. 24 - addicted to you

my mom and i are the weirdest duo on the planet when we’re together i swear

fan: Make a video with her for Christmas

my whole family despises being on camera 💔

Dec. 25 - fan: momma brock is the sweetest ever

she’s my favorite woman in the world

Merry Christmas friends ! 🖤

i wish i could have face tats for like one week but it doesn’t really work like that huh

Dec. 26 - everyone’s battling their own demons

Dec. 28 - fan: Colby drinking wine but he's such a lightweight that he's probably drunk, lmao @/ColbyBrock

🤫🤫🤫

fan: the vibes are fucking ethereal i’m guessing @/ColbyBrock

you got it

[bytheangell]

None of It Was Accidental

(Read on AO3)

Dot tries, and mostly fails, not to let the pain show on her face in front of Jocelyn. Everything she’s done up to this point has been for the Shadowhunter - she barely slept since Jocelyn’s disappearance, working tirelessly to track her down while still fulfilling her promise of keeping Clary safe.

And now here she is. After allowing herself to be captured by Valentine to gain the access she needs to free Jocelyn, Dot knows that she isn’t going to make it back home with the woman she loves. Valentine’s experiments on her have done too much damage too quickly. She has just enough magic to drop the wards long enough to portal Jocelyn out. It’s just a matter of convincing Jocelyn to go when the time comes.

“You should’ve stayed away, Dorothea,” Jocelyn says, eyes wide and brimming with tears at the sight of the black veins spreading slowly but surely up Dot’s neck and across her face.

“You know I couldn’t do that, Jocelyn,” Dot says, shaking her head with a small, sad smile.

“I never should’ve let you get dragged into all this,” Jocelyn sighs.

Dot, against the seriousness of the situation, laughs. It sounds insane given the circumstances but she can’t help it.

“Drag me into this? Jocelyn, from the moment I met you, I started inserting myself into your life more and more. I put myself here, my dear.”

“If I hadn’t needed help hiding Clary and the cup-”

“I offered to help the moment Elliott and Magnus told me about you. And I knew you were a good person the moment we met. Since then I started visiting you more often, staying longer, lingering touches…”

Jocelyn says nothing but smiles slightly.

“Nothing was going to stop me from protecting you, Jocelyn. Not then, and certainly not now.”

“So every late-night drink I thought you were just having because you felt bad for me…” Jocelyn trails off.

“None of it was accidental,” Dot confirms.

“I know,” Jocelyn says, and this time it’s Dot who falls into silence. “I knew, even back then.”

“Then why didn’t you stop me?”

“Because I wanted you, too. I was always yours, Dorothea. I just… I don’t know. I didn’t realize how much I meant to you, not really.”

“Unfortunate that you have to find out this way,” Dot says. She can feel it now, even her words are coming with great strain and there’s not a lot of time left. Not for her, at least.

Dot closes the gap between them, gently placing her lips on Jocelyn’s, her hand coming up to cup the side of Jocelyn’s face. Dot feels Jocelyn’s hand come to rest on the small of her back, pulling her closer. Dot knows she should pull away, she knows they’re running out of time, but she can’t bring herself to end this moment any sooner than she absolutely has to.

When that moment comes Dot pulls herself back, slow and reluctant.

“I love you, Jocelyn. Take care of yourself, and Clary,” Dot takes a deep breath. “And I’m so sorry, I hope you’ll forgive me.”

“Forgive you for what? Dot, what’s-”

Dot drops the wards, and with what little magic she has left at the very fringes of her reach she summons a portal behind Jocelyn, reaching out to push her backward through it to safety. Dot barely has enough energy to keep it up until Jocelyn is fully through before her magic is completely wiped out and the portal closes.

Dot feels the poisoned veins spread and knows this is it, but she doesn’t care.

She did it. She wishes more than anything she could’ve followed, but as long as she got Jocelyn to safety that’s all that matters.

That’s all that ever mattered, she thinks with the smallest smile just as everything goes black.

[romantic-reveries]

Just had a guy tell me he’s falling in love with me and like—is this what they mean by fuck around and find out?

It’s all so annoyingly serendipitous. He’s been weirdly good for me on the heels of B. He’s so verbally validating and affectionate. He’s this weird culmination of manifestations—I’d been wanting someone to fool around with who would dirty talk me straight out of my mind, and boom, there he was. It literally makes me feel drunk, and the orgasms? My god.

With B, we’d stay on the phone until we decided we were gonna sleep, and I would sometimes wish we could stay on the phone until we fell asleep—all night. Maybe wake up together. This one asked me to do that only a few days in. Something I’ve wanted—not specifically with B, but I did think about it with him—was one day with a partner, to read to each other. Read poetry or a book or something. And when B and I decided to have a two-person book club, I thought ‘maybe’. This one asked me if I wanted him to read to me within the first few nights, and recently, asked me to read to him. And he recited a poem to me from memory.

But he’s not what I would want for a relationship. Even if I weren’t still hung up on B, this one is so… emotionally tumultuous. I’ve worked so damn hard to heal and be better. I need a partner who is stable. I can’t fix someone, and I don’t want to have to. I deserve someone who has already done the fixing themselves. And this one tries—I have to give him that. He said part of what attracts him to me is that I’m so emotionally stable and level, which is… weirdly validating, but again, like a really weird fucking mirror of the situation with B. Like the other side of a coin, and now I’m the healthy one, observing myself in someone else’s body.

I went from wanting someone stable to being that to someone else. And this guy, he lives three hours further from me than B did, and yet he’s saying the drive is no big deal—that if we met, if we ended up dating, he’d come to me, or he’d come pick me up and bring me to stay with him for a week (which would be a 20 hour drive, all told, here and back twice.) That feels like an insane ask. Which, he just flew to Europe a few months ago to meet a girl he started dating online, so yeah, I guess—what’s five hours to him?

It’s just—so weirdly paralleled it’s fucking mind-boggling. And he reminds me a lot of me. A more unhealed version of me, with worse mood swings than I ever had, but the same struggles nonetheless. He even mentioned how he wants someone emotionally stable, which “maybe makes him sound like an asshole”, and maybe isn’t fair since he “has issues too” and I’ll be damned if that isn’t exactly what I’ve been thinking for myself lately. I even said as much to someone, that maybe it was unfair of me to feel that way since I have issues too, but I’ve worked so hard to heal.

And then I was talking with my grandma last night before bed, and I mentioned, realizing how much this guy likes me and I don’t feel insecure or anything except for the occasional moment when I suddenly feel very attached, how it’s all a perspective game based on old emotional patterns (unworthiness, mostly) that’s breeding those feelings of insecurity. It’s not about the other person, it’s about me. How I was drowning in it with B because I liked him so much it made me insecure and irrational. How I suddenly realized how much of what happened was kind of my fault for getting so in my head. Anyway, when I mentioned this guy having feelings for me, she said something to the effect of not wanting to lead him on, and I said I wasn’t, he knew how I felt, I’ve been very upfront, he’s even said he doesn’t know what he wants, etc etc.

Just to get on the phone with him and him drop that on me. The timing was uncanny.

I can’t help but feel like this was supposed to happen like this. Like I needed to learn from it, and I am.

I even had an insane epiphany about B after that conversation last night. I feel this sense of pattern more keenly than I ever have. I’ve often felt like a metaphorical ping pong ball, disorganized and bouncing all over the place. This is the first time it’s felt so methodical. Like there’s a method to this madness called life.

I realized with B, that while I thought I was being “realistic” about things in trying to keep myself safe, I actually was just running scared. I was feeling rejected and I wanted to cut things off before he could, because I felt so sure that he would. I didn’t feel good enough for him partly because I liked him so much (which always makes me insecure because it’s sort of putting someone on a pedestal), but also because he was so stable and put-together that it didn’t make sense to me for him to want me. I was afraid that if he changed his mind, having all of these great qualities that I admired, and knowing me probably better than anyone bar my grandma, that it would reaffirm that I wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t about him—it was about me. I’m accountable for my own feelings. But I made them his problem, and I assumed the worst of him based on past experiences with other people and that was excruciatingly unfair of me.

And I feel so light, realizing that. Because I haven’t really quite been able to flesh it out ‘til now. I knew I reacted how I did out of fear and because I didn’t feel good enough. But I couldn’t quite parse it out to that level and really understand it, and I do now, and it’s liberating and wonderful to know.

[taegularities]

so i just had this horrible day at work and then had two night classes which were equally terrible.

i went home and came across a thousand reasons why in my dashboard

what

the

fuck

i don’t know how to explain everything that i’m feeling right now. Like i’m so ugly crying right now (i would send i pic but it’s just so ugly that i can’t)

how do you manage to make all your jks and ocs like this. Extremely special wonderful heartbreaking amazing people who are just so fucking easy to fall for. (people i would just die to have in my life) (and even knowing you just a little i feel you would be exactly like them: a beautiful person that changes peoples lives forever) (i feel like you are doing just that with your writing)

i have this thing where it hurts me so much when people can’t be together and it’s not anyone’s fault it’s just life (does that makes sense?). When two people love each other and it just doesn’t work out because life is complicated.

it’s exactly like they say: you’re not right we are just very different. And it’s so heartbreaking to me. To think that they might’ve spend their wholes lives loving each other but not together. (i absolutely knew that i could count on you to bring them together but still)

i read the whole thing while listening to the playlist and it made the whole thing 100000 times more emotional to me. There’s so many amazing songs that i already knew and a added a bunch of new ones to my playlist. All the songs fit the story so perfectly it’s insane.

As i said, i’m kind in a after finishing shock so im problably not making sense at all. But i loved it so much.

jungkook and oc are so well written. I loved how he didn’t gave up on his dreams but adapted it (is that word right?). How his love was so strong that even the thing that was his biggest dreams didn’t came close to being with her. He still wanted all those things but he wanted with her.

again:

what

the

fuck.

i will cry myself to sleep right now. definitely will be back to ramble more about this. (and also the cf2 review)

rid, i really love u, you have no idea.

OK HERE GOES !!! ANA, you cannot imagine my excitement when i saw that you read atrw. like, it's over 1.5 years old, so i know it's hard to come across that story, but when people do, im so 🥹

freaking happy you loved those two so much. they're dear to my heart :( but even more flattered about that little compliment you threw in there? 😭 i didn't think i'd give off such vibes, but the fact that you think i could change lives is really a source of warmth for me lol :')

AND YES OH MY GOSH. i kid you not. i was saying the exact same thing to someone like 2 days ago. how i hate when people can't be together, not bc they don't want to but bc the world won't let them (bc that exact thing happened to me lol but yeah :')) it's cruel. i'm also very thrilled that you liked the playlist 🥺

thank you for this babe, i love you so much :(( i hope you know you can ramble about it (or anything, really) anytime <3

[the-one-where-casey-watches-tv]

Daisy Jones & the Six episode 1.04 "Track 4: I Saw the Light"

I’m so floored by the collaboration on this show. That’s my favorite thing about tv as a whole; it takes an insane amount of people and skillsets and moving parts to make it, and somehow everyone and everything is able to get on the same page about something so specific. Everyone is so skilled and passionate and devoted to the little piece that they contribute to the puzzle that there’s no other option but to trust that your team cares about their job as much as you do about yours. I really can’t think of a more collaborative medium, but Daisy Jones & the Six takes it a step above.

I have more to say about the concept and execution of this show than I do about the specifics of the plot, but I wanted to talk about this episode because the song “Look at Us Now” really encompasses everything that works about the show and its music, both within the Daisy Jones universe and out. Shows about performers, particularly fictional ones, and especially successful ones, are really difficult to pull off. If you’re going to tell me something is a world-class performance and then show it to me and have it be underwhelming, I’m going to be pulled out of the story. Writing, which is ideally invisible, becomes apparent when a room bursts into applause after a performance that doesn’t warrant that reaction. It makes you realize that you’re not a fly on the wall of an organic experience; rather, you’re an audience member of a meticulously crafted piece of art where every movement was prescribed by the script. That’s how you’re supposed to feel when you see a musical, but tv is supposed to make you feel like these people just opened the door and let you in.

This has been what’s kept me from fully embracing The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I won’t dive too deep with this, but my micro review is: the show is funny, Midge Maisel isn’t. The show is telling me that Midge is a once-in-a-generation comedian, but it’s not showing it. It’s practically insinuating that her gift to comedy makes her breakthrough into the industry a necessity, and yet, even when her set ends in a standing ovation and raucous applause, I don’t find myself laughing.

Midge Maisel and Daisy Jones are actually pretty comparable, personality-wise. I don’t particularly like either of them, but when Daisy overstays her welcome on stage, even when it drives me up a wall, I get it. Her talent speaks for itself, her charm is palpable, and you can’t deny that she brings the band to the next level, as much as Billy would like to. This is the episode following the tense studio recording of “Look at Us Now”, and the song was an instant hit. They’ve got their first festival gig- it’s in the middle of the day in Hawaii, but it’s their biggest break yet. They get to play a full set, one that wouldn’t include Daisy or “Look at Us Now” at all if Billy had his way, but unfortunately, it’s just too good.

Still, Billy’s right to be upset with her at this point- that was so rude and disrespectful I was fuming on his behalf. And I don’t even think anything he says in the post-show interview is out of line, even though it seems to be the thing that really sparks their tailspin of a relationship. But the rest of the band has an easier time making peace with it because they can all feel what she can bring to the band, By the end of this episode, it’s really just everyone waiting for Billy to get on board.

This show does an incredible job with subtext, emotionally loaded interactions, and the nature of creative collaboration. Like I’ve mentioned in previous posts, when you click with someone, it is an incredibly powerful feeling. If there’s one thing we can say about Billy and Daisy, they click. The second they met she knew him better than anyone. The inevitability of their relationship is conveyed so well, and to quote their own song, it was out of their hands.

To touch on the songs themselves for a second, "Look at Us Now" would have found its way into my Spotify library whether I watched the show or not- I just love the way it sounds. In the next episode it will be the number one song in the world in the Daisy Jones universe, and if someone told me it was the number one song in our world too, I’d believe it. If it’s not at the top of my Spotify Wrapped I’ll be amazed. It’s a song that we’re told is great because the plot demands it, and it’s also just actually great.

The nature of Billy’s wanting to write every song as an aspirational ode to the man he wants to be to Camila, and Daisy’s subsequent changing of them to a more melancholy, yet realistic depiction of who he actually is, keeps everything and everyone wound in a tight, tense, entangled ball. Daisy’s deep understanding of Billy catapults her into a different kind of intimacy than he’s ever shared with Camila, yet Camila will always be his muse, the source of his inspiration and person he’s directing his music towards. It’s an emotional charge that speaks for itself through looks, music, and perfect chemistry among the cast.

Beyond the show, their full-length album is available on Spotify under the artist name of Daisy Jones & the Six, and I’m hearing rumors that the cast is pushing to go on tour as the band. This is really just different, I haven’t seen anything quite like it before (the closest thing I can compare it to is Big Time Rush, but mostly as a joke). I’ve been in a lot of debates recently about if Daisy Jones & the Six is a “real” band. I seem to be in the minority with my adamant yes- I’m met with the rebuttal that they’re using the name of a fictional band where they merely played its fictional members on tv. But I would argue that the band stopped being entirely fictional when its members recorded and released an authentic album. If you play a musician on tv by performing music, at what point do you also become a musician?

So what do you think? Is Daisy Jones & the Six a real band? If they went on tour, would you go see them? Do you vouch for their music as much as I do?

[myuselessartandstories]

Story #37

Pretty

My job is rather simple. I receive the bodies, then I bury them. Simple as that. It’s a monotonous job, one that doesn’t even pay well, but it’s the one I have. It’s the only one I’ve had since my parents kicked me out of the house. It’s the only job I’ll ever have. 

I barely get by as is. The money I get keeps me even for paying rent, bills, and food. I can’t afford anything fun for myself. My life is a constant path with no beauty, no fun, and no joy. I am alone. I am overworked. I am tired.

I’ve realized that this is my place in life, though. It’s the way it has been and the way it always will be. I will always wake up tired, go to work hungry, and bury a body. I will always be installing grave stones and making sure graverobbers don’t come to steal anything (though, nobody comes to this empty cemetery anymore).

That was until someone new showed up. Someone in a bright green suit. He was strange. Always smiling, always joyful. He said he chose to do this job. Said it was a lifelong dream. I knew immediately that he was insane. He had to be to want this job. To want the horrid pay that comes with the monotony of this job.

He didn’t have a name. Said he never needed one. Honestly, I don’t even remember being called about a new employee, yet he’s still here, working and burying bodies and installing gravestones.

Though, I’ve noticed recently that he tends to spend hours burying bodies, when it could just take twenty minutes. He refuses to answer me when I ask him about it. Just says he likes to take his time. He’s very strange.

I’ve also noticed that we’ve been getting more bodies every day. The cemetery isn’t anywhere near a town, so it’s strange to get bodies anyway, but to get up to ten a day? That’s never happened before. Nobody tells me why there’s an influx of bodies; nobody tells me anything. I just bury the bodies.

It’s been a while since I’ve updated my journal, but something insane happened. While we’ve been getting that influx of bodies I wrote about earlier, the new employee has only been burying two or three bodies a day, leaving me with the rest. I finally tried to confront him about it, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. As I went to the area where he usually buried his bodies, I noticed they were all decorated with flowers and paint.

I figured he just enjoyed going overboard with the gravestones, but then I stepped closer. Everything seemed normal, but one thing was missing. For customary purposes, we always put a bell with a string in the grave, so that if the person inside was still alive, they could ring the bell. It’s an old custom with no real use, but I noticed all these graves had no bell. It was odd, especially given the detail put into the rest of the grave. I figured that he might have not known about the custom, and I was simply going to tell him later.

I then decided to dig up the grave to put the bell in. The grave was very shallow, which I knew I’d have to reprimand him for later. As soon as half of the dirt was removed from on top of the coffin, it swung open, hitting me straight in the ankle. As I crumpled to the ground, clutching my ankle in pain, someone stood from the coffin and began running away into the surrounding woods.

I tried to get up to chase them, wanting to ask why they were in the coffin, but stopped as soon as I heard the screaming. From out of the woods surrounding the cemetery, the new employee came, dragging the body of the person from before. 

They dragged the body towards the grave, tossing it into the coffin. From where I was, I could see that the person’s throat had been slit, their eyes wide, tongue hanging from their mouth. I then looked to the new employee, but didn’t get a chance to speak before I felt a sharp pain in my left eye, only seeing black out of that side.

I jumped back, bringing my hands out to my eye, only to feel liquid. I only then registered that I was screaming in pain, but I could only hear it out of my right ear. I brought one of my hands to my left ear, but it was gone; only patches of hanging skin and plenty of liquid, which had to be blood, were there.

I had finally gotten up and began running. It wasn’t easy with just one functioning eye, and I crashed into plenty of trees. When I got back to the main building where I got my assignments, I slammed the door shut and locked it, also locking the only window there and putting a plywood board over it.

I haven’t heard anything from outside, and I was able to get some bandages over my injured ear and eye, but I don’t know what to do from here. There’s no phone or service to call anyone to help, and I just know that if I go out there, that crazy psycho is going to catch me. 

Despite everything, I still want to have a good life. Despite everything, I don’t want to die. Even though my life is messed up and I haven’t done anything to change it, I still want to see it through to its end. That can’t be too much to ask, right? Just a simple wish to live and see tomorrow and 

So this is the journal I always see them scratching in. How fun. Maybe I’ll keep this and record all the ugly people I kill and all the pretty graves I make for them. Oh, but my dear co-worker doesn’t need a gravestone. They need to be seen. Maybe I’ll dress them up and put them on someone's lawn. Yes. That’s a perfect idea. Then I can paint them in blood like the others. People are always so much prettier on the inside than the outside.

(I wrote this through extreme writer's block, so it's not as good as I hoped it would be)

[ghostlybrain]

TW: This post is very personal and may contain snippets of info that can trigger someone. There is some mention of self-harm. Please don’t read past the “more” if you are not okay with reading about it.

The frustration I feel from learning to mask so well in my 27 years of life due to being told I’m neurotypical and told that I can’t be neurospicy because I’m totally fine, while everyone just ignores the obvious symptoms I’ve had grown up. I get it, I’m high-functioning because I’ve been conditioned to act normal and hide the parts of me that aren’t typical. Reading about ADHD and autism has me researching and critically thinking about the possibility of me being one or both..

I have now created an ongoing list:

- my need to have control over everything and melting or shutting down when I can’t.

- when my things in my spaces are in specific spots and they get moved when I’m not around/aware and not asked, and getting upset and stressed when I discover it moved/changed. My safe space being altered causes me honest anxiety and makes me upset, for something a neurotypical might not even notice. My partner’s noticed this quite often when he’s home with friends and I’m not around, and I come home to something of mine on my nightstand or bookshelf or something moved around.

- my endless hobbies and collections, and need to complete collections and having mini meltdowns when I can’t collect them all and moving onto yet another collection (repeat cycle) or when my collection is tampered with, having a meltdown (ie: my 12 year old self having a collection of this one children’s novel series, having like 150 books of it and rereading for comfort, and my ex-stepdad donating them one day because he though I was too old for them and left them behind when we moved out even though I was planning on coming back for them, causing me to have a meltdown and shutdown for a whole week, going almost non-verbal this whole time. Only responded with short words or lines where absolutely necessary.)

- never really getting along with people properly unless I learned how they talk/interact and copying their mannerisms.

- always have a comfort item/clothing with me (journal, favourite hoodie, ipod and headphones, if I’m at home: my favourite blanket) When I’m at home, I bring certain items around with me from room to room, just in case. My latest comforts/stims is these three puzzle games on my phone that I flip to when I’m overwhelmed or anxious with my surroundings and can resorts to easily as it’s more “socially acceptable”, but I carry a stuffie with me to fidget with, or resort to stimming with whatever I can that’s easy to access (pens, chewing my fingers/nails, my phone, my clothing)

- always having headphones in with music to reduce outside stimuli from triggering me, even at work, I keep one in to reduce stimuli and play music that grounds me.

- repeating myself because I can’t remember I said something to someone because it either didn’t process in my mind or stick. This happens super often to the point where I’ve said it at least 4-6x and can’t remember any of the instances at all.

- constantly wearing safe hoodies and pants and shoes and/or wearing the same selection clothes every week because they’re soft and non-abrasive and don’t trigger any discomfort.

- sharp and loudish noises, as well as shrieks and toddler crying/screaming giving me a full body shock feeling and causing me to shutdown and zone out.

- hated texture feelings on skin: mushy feelings, oily feelings, hand creams that don’t immediately sink into the skin making it feel slimy, anything touching my face/nose/neck including hair, oily/slimey/slippery substances, dry flakey skin, goosebumps/rough raised skin, scabs.. basically if my skin doesn’t feel like my normal, soft skin, it makes me super uncomfortable and drives me insane, pushing me to do whatever I can to make it go back to “normal” which fuels my nail/skin picking/biting habit. Anything too close to my neck makes me almost claustrophobic and I need to immediately remove it.

- stims: nail biting, lip biting, playing with my fingers, playing with jewellery or headphone cords, playing with hoodie strings, hiding my hands in my hoodie sleeves, playing with my hair

- having comfort shows that I rewatch over and over when the world feels too much. Using them to escape my mind or create a sense of comfort/home when I’m unable to have my safe place/item with me.

- last minute plan changes, especially when there isn’t a new plan set in place right away. I have a need to know what’s going to happen so I can prepare myself for it, and when that plan gets changed, I’m not able to adjust myself properly.

- needing the information to be correct. I don’t need to always be right, but the information at hand needs to be. This causes a lot of problems for me in relationships because the other party always ends up feeling like I need to correct them and be right, but in my brain, I need the information we talk about to be accurate for it to make sense.

- in the same train of thought as above, i come across as a know it all, or annoying them with questions, because of my need for the information to be correct. The other part to that is how I operate in right and wrongs, and always see both sides of the coin in other’s situations. (ie: I can play devil’s advocate very easily for people to see both sides of the situation, I’m good at finding loopholes or problems or question things, I feel the need to explain why I did what I did to someone so they understand why I did something) Feelings are also hard for me because I can sort my feelings once I understand the how and why, almost like a process. If I can understand how something works and why it happened, I can process it and roll with it. But I can’t quite process why others need the time to process feelings, even after they’ve gotten the how and why. Kinda upsets me that they have the reason and understand it, but need to still be upset for the next coming hours/days to process through it.

- Making friends is also super hard. My brain processes friendships in reciprocation of effort. If they do not reciprocate effort like I do, or close to it, I start to retreat thinking that they don’t want to be friends or I’m too much or not worth it. I struggle with people who try to be my friend but barely ever make plans, reach out really sporadically or rarely, and never have a reason for it. If they aren’t consistent in their actions or don’t ever explain themselves and try to make up for it, I just let the friendships die and get really hurt and upset. I struggle with people who don’t ever explain themselves about anything. One common situation for me is when I see friends constantly responding to group chats and being on social media multiple times a day, but my message gets left unread or on read for days or weeks. I find it hard to reach out because in my head, I already messaged, so it’s their turn.

- the amount of self-deprecation and guilt when I do something wrong and my emotions get out of wack and I get so upset I stand hitting myself. Did this a lot when I was younger, where I would “punish” myself for forgetting things or hurting someone in anyways by hurting myself as a punishment. (Hitting my self, biting my nails and the skin around them, hitting my head, hitting my head with a book, punching myself, some scarring when I was younger too)

- recently learned: not being able to picture things in my head. Always thought this was normal. I need to be able to play with it. Like for example, when I’m space planning an office, I need a tool to draw out the space and measurements of the room and items in it, or be able to physically move stuff around (or both)

[crystalelemental]

Sync Pair Retrospective - Sygna Suit Lyra

Pfft, yeah okay.  Sure, we're going to talk about what shifted for SS Lyra, right guys.  ...oh god, you're serious.

When you are the only unit in the game commonly cited to be nearly on par with SST Red, a guy who can solo literally the entire game, you know you've got it made.

SS Lyra is insane.   Guaranteed flinch rate, at first, did not seem any better to me than guaranteed sleep.  It's the same annoying timing lockdown, so what's the use?  Apparently, the use is that it's a passive, and Lyra can select another move before the opponent flinches, which gets you another action in the queue. And that action can be "Smack the next fool trying to throw hands."  Lyra is unchallenged in her lockdown.  The fact that she also debuffs a random stat by -2 every attack?  And has Grassy Terrain? And a Pride passive for Johto?  And a decent sync nuke?  And-

Lyra immediately burst onto the scene as a Gauntlet solo bot.  At present, she has 11 wins.  The only one she cannot beat is Tornadus, who becomes immune to flinch, and has too much damage reduction for her to work past.  If only she'd cheated and used a personal passive, it would've been 12.  But in team compositions, she was also invaluable for the Grass-types that were begging for their long-awaited terrain.   Seriously, Psychic and Electric had been around forever, and now Zones are a thing; where is Grassy Terrain?  Apparently on this nonsense.

The major core that arose from this was SS Morty/SS Lyra/Erika.  People instantly took note of how hard SS Erika started to hit with both field effects in play, and the lockdown added in to Morty's obscene defense meant nothing was threatening your team.  You were, completely and without question, safe.  This was the most notorious core, but it's that last bit that's significant.

Talking about how SS Lyra "changed" is impossible.  Because she didn't.  At no point has a perfectly executed lockdown ever been out of style.  Oh sure, you can argue that 50 points in Interference Immunity, but just turn it off.   Put the points literally anywhere else, you'll be glad you did.  So long as that Terrain is up, and Lyra costs 0 gauges, you are eternally in business.  And I do mean eternally.  Every comp benefits from what Lyra does.  She's non-specific in that way; a tech everyone can, to some degree, make use of.

Which...probably explains why I find her so hard to use?  I dunno, I like compositions that are doing something, and the only time Lyra does something is when she's supplying Terrain.  Her debuffs are random so she doesn't help there, and while she can buff, it's hard to justify over a typical flinch-lock.  I guess the application of Confuse and Trap is nice for Interference Sync and the like?  But Lyra's never been one I'm like...itching to break out, you know? The only thing I do repeatedly caution is that Lyra is in need of gauge when Terrain isn't up.  Sure, she's fine while it's up, but when it turns off, now she's needing a lot of help.  And that can pose problems.  She doesn't need a ton of gauge control, but doing what I do and running her with Dawn and SC Lyra is, as it turns out, stupid.  Keep at least a little speed on your side, and she'll manage just fine.

But I don't have anything to say.  Lyra wants for basically nothing.  She's exceptional in such unbelievable ways, and yet I can't bring myself to hate her like I do with SST Red.  I think it's because Lyra requires such insane precision timing that it's like okay, yes she can solo all this stuff, but doing so is the equivalent of driving spikes into your eyes.  Whereas Red feels like "If you had him 3/5, you win."  Which is way more boring.  I guess that's really the point. DeNA, if you're gonna make stuff broken, at least make it interesting.

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!  Time for “I didn’t account for the possibility of the Tapu and what they would do to this!”

Yeah, listen.  Sygna Suit Acerola may have taken away the very specific niche of Sun-reliant physical grass strikers from Lyra, but that’s legitimately just in name only.  Unlike Morty, who kinda did have his role ripped away with this, Lyra...does not care.  Like, at all.  In a CS context, Lyra’s actually in love with this adjustment, because immediate Grassy Terrain means immediate free gauges, and terrain extension means no one’s getting to move.  Forget bringing a gun to a sword fight, Lyra’s bringing a cannon.  And in longer stages, if you really want to dunk on Gauntlet this way, Acerola can’t replenish her Terrain, so Lyra having that ability is great.  Sure, it removes the insane nonsense that SC Steven does from Acerola’s core, but the tradeoff is basically perfect, infinite lockdown.  Oh, and the Pride Master Passive, which is added physical DPS with a support that emphasizes physical DPS.  So like.  Okay.  Someone introducing a competitor to your type just made you even more dangerous.  Figure that out.

But supposing there is a limitation and you run them separately, as stated, Acerola can’t replenish her Terrain, while Lyra can.  So as far as broad Grass-type support, Lyra’s got it.  To say nothing of how many gimmicks she checks.  Or that she solos 11 of the 12 stages but ignore that.  Lyra also can do stacks of physical moves up next.  And supports special with trainer move.  So she’s...more versatile as well.

What I mean is Lyra didn’t miss a beat.  A competitor arose and she just laughed and was like “Cool, now I’m even stronger.”  Like...what do you do to stop something like this?  How do you stop the ultimate disruption machine?  I guess Interference Immunity, but like...just don’t select that in CS.  I dunno, man.  Lyra feels kind of invincible.  I know there’s someone arguably above her, and we’ll get to that loser when anniversary runs around, but by and large I appreciate Lyra so much more.  Because she’s outrageous, but because of her supportive effects, while still being able to do the damage thing when desired.  She actually supports.  Which is what I want for a field effect setter.  I don’t like when they hog the spotlight, and outperform the people they’re aiming to support.  And Lyra?  Lyra does just that.  While also being one of the most outrageous options in the game.

[perpetual-fool]

Maybe the real abusers were the friends we made along the way. (03/06/23, 1.2k)

   That I recall, no one has actually told me (to my face) that I should kill myself. Not even channers. Nor has anyone told me that I'm a piece of shit. I've gotten "you're being [something I don't understand]" a couple of times, but never directly anything like "you are [a bad person]". So they must've been conclusions I came to naturally as a consequence of others' responses.

   It's probably no different from anything else. Say I'm trying to figure out how to cook eggs. I don't want to use nonstick pans but I don't know how to keep the eggs from sticking. First I'd just try something and observe what happens. Next I'd form some guess as to what's happening based on those observations, and then test those guesses. Ideally I'd isolate variables as much as possible and try it from opposite extremes. Say I think keeping the pan from dropping below a certain temperature would keep things from sticking. First I'd get the pan *really* hot so I can be certain it's enough, and see if that works. Then I'd try the opposite, doing everything else 'correctly' while making the pan far too cold, and see if it fails. If that all goes well, then that's one variable I understand. Finally I'll put it into practice, and if things don't go the way I expect then I start over with a new guess. Observation, analysis, testing, and application.

   And if anything isn't going how I expect, I'm wrong. They eggs can't be wrong, they just are what they are. This has never been a problem with how 'things' work or how the world works. But when considering how people work, they don't. Starting from the beginning, observation, I cannot form any coherent guess as to why they do what they do. Without fail, I run into contradictory elements.

   I am both compelled to try and explain, but also feel.. a hollow panic? from the relentless invalidation I've received every time I've tried to broach the subject with others. I've very much internalized it and I doubt my own sanity. I suspect I would be sure I was insane if the invalidation was actually, well, valid. As it is, it's not my premises or my conclusions that others invalidate. Although that's more unsettling, I think. It's like, premises: someone did a thing (which was bad), they deliberately chose to take the actions they did, and they knew what the outcome of those actions would be. Conclusion: they did the (bad) thing on purpose. And why would they do that? But the response might be something like "maybe they were tired", which has no bearing on anything I've stated. And again, I'm inclined to try and clarify further, as this too has gotten nothing but non sequitur invalidating responses. The excuses are endless. Some of them reasonable, even. Say, "they probably just ran out of time/money", or "this was their first attempt and they didn't know better yet", or "they had a brain fart and just forgot how to do it for a moment". But there isn't a single thing I've seen that doesn't need excusing. And despite bringing this up countless times no one will even acknowledge what I've said. At best people will repeat my position back to me wrong. And they will absolutely argue with me that their version of my position is correct and that my version of my position is wrong. (There was one person that at least appeared to comprehend what I was saying, but they demonstrated that that was entirely superficial the moment I started trusting them.) It doesn't make much sense that everyone else would be insane, so I'm inclined to think it must just be me. And I would probably be convinced of that if others' responses were anything more substantial than "nu-uh".

   So, I've received nothing but relentless invalidation from anyone and everyone. Not that I always saw it that way, being naive. I can't find anything wrong with my reasoning or my observations, and it doesn't make sense that everyone else would be wrong, so I must just be innately invalid.

   Although, I'm not sure why that means I should kill myself. I guess I must've internalized the alienation and abuse. I think in that how others seem to feel about a thing determines how I should feel about it. But only if it's bad, else they either don't know what they're talking about or they're lying; that sounds like it's just an irrational assumption but it isn't. The only 'praise' I've gotten has been for things that don't make sense to me or for something I wasn't doing. Lying, simply that claims don't match actions, as well as just making conflicting claims.  And any 'acceptance' has always come with a threat, demanding that I fit into some kind of role. But intuitively, without any explanation and allowing no questions or mistakes. I think this is just the natural consequence of trying to connect on those terms.

   I've been desperate for genuine understanding, which would be one way of fixing things. But gosh, it's been two decades of trying and I haven't gotten anywhere. Alternatively, maybe I could make myself immune? Not that "stop wanting the thing I'm desperate for" hasn't occurred to me, but I wasn't free to think my own thoughts before. For instance, I've noticed on my bass that notes played on the low string fluctuate substantially, making tuning and playing in tune difficult. I know it's a problem with tension/string gauge because if I tune it up a half step the problem goes away. But it's a standard size bass, with standard sized strings, in a standard tuning. So I'm wrong, the problem must not exist. But I've been practicing with my tuner, training my ear. And I can see the needle wobbling back and forth. It can be as bad as ±20 cents, but if I play too hard that can be as much as 30 cents. In contrast, the other strings fluctuate less than 5 cents, or as much as ten if I pluck hard. The tolerance of my tuner being ±1 cent. Meaning, the phenomenon objectively exists; vindication. I'm tempted to say: to be fair, maybe it's not that people deny its existence, they deny that it's a problem. But I have had people directly deny the existence of phenomena like this. I only get the "you're a piece of shit" voice when I'm trying to connect with someone or something someone has made. Maybe if I only build relationships with objects and otherwise try to stay in 'analysis' mode, then life won't be torment?