#I mean idk I’m fine with shouting to the void

[paleode-ology]

lowkey I’m thinking of making a side blog to post about solo RPGs bc I have So Many that I haven’t played and I feel like I would be more motivated if I were actively making reviews and/or posting snippets from games I’ve done

[miwtze]

distance (ushijima wakatoshi x reader)

cw: depression, intrusive thoughts, ushi might be ooc idk 

wc: 1.9k of utter dogshit i HATE this 

distance wasn’t uncommon between you and ushijima. you knew ushijima had to focus on volleyball and he knew you had times where you were unable to attend to yourself much less him. maybe that’s why you two have lasted as long as you did, you weren’t suited for love but neither was he, so you thought that maybe you guys would have a chance. he called mutual respect, and while that might be true to some extent, to you it just felt like he settled with you for convenience. you weren’t stupid. you knew that like everyone else in this world, ushijima craved affection but that was the extent of his relationship. you believed he did not need to love you. in fact he probably couldn’t. you were not loveable. how could another love a person so void of life; of course they couldn’t. you loved him but he didn't love you. you thought maybe that was enough for you, but as a human you’re selfish. you want your own form of comfort and if that means ending things with ushijima after six years of dating then so be it. as your gentle fingers continue to thread bead after bead through the wire, you wonder if your relationship between you and ushijima would snap like the thin wire in between your finger. you’re pulled from your thoughts when you hear the front door open. when ushijima pops his head out of the hall way and into the living room you greet him.

“hey, welcome back.” ushijima looks as beat up as you feel; sunken in eyes and dried sweat on his forehead. “i didn’t think you’d be back so soon, do you want me to make dinner while you shower?”

“hello.” he looks down at the beads in your hands, frowning. he knows they’re the same kind you had strung together for him when you confessed to him at 18, the same one he adorns on his wrist like an olympic medal. “did you do anything all day except play with beads?” he didn’t mean to come off like that, he wanted to talk but he didn’t know how to go about it. his indifference only made the statement come off worse, he knew this, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak up. ushijima was tired, no he was exhausted. he wanted to help you but he couldn’t cross the distance to meet you. not when your empty eyes are waiting for him on the other side.

“so no dinner then.” you want him to object. you want him to tell you that he wants to eat dinner with you, to talk to you. you want something, anything. you want ushijima wakatoshi to love you because you don’t want to leave.

“yeah no dinner tonight.”

“c’mon we haven’t hung out in forever. let’s go out and drink, it’s fine if you start crying. we all miss you,” your friend begs on the other end of the line. “i’ll come get you at six, yeah? yeah?” you smile, it felt nice knowing your presence was wanted even if it was for a little bit.

“yeah i’ll be ready at six.” you hear your friend excitedly end the call as you flop onto the bed. you need to go out. you knew it wasn’t good for you to stay inside and mope about how unloved you were. you knew you had to try just a little more, just for yourself. the little steps you had been making the couple years like cleaning your clothes, eating , going to classes, doing the works seemed completely mundane but it helped you help yourself. if nothing else you wanted to try and cross the distance yourself, maybe with ushijima on the other side maybe not.

by the time six rolls around you’ve showered and dressed up to the nines. you’ve never felt as pretty as you did in that moment and you think it has something to do with wanting to be better and much less the wings on your eyelids. as you fall into your friend’s car you’re greeted with two more of your friends and a bottle of alcohol. we’re pre-gaming before we drink some more at ayasski’s, they explain. giggling you join them getting inebriated and melting into the arms of your friends. as the night gets longer, your friends gently probe you about ushijima knowing you well enough to know something wasn’t okay.

“i think it’s kind of stupid to be in a relationship where someone can’t love you,” you giggle the blush reaching up to your cheeks. “i love him so, so, so much so i have to break up with him. i know he’s not happy with me.” you friends wrap their arms around you, booing.

“it’s his loss there’s literally no reason to not be happy with you,” you friend shouted, you could disagree ten times over. the hope that blossomed in your chest earlier today’s as completely shot down when you realized you weren’t a person meant to get better. you tossed another shot back. “but he seemed really happy when we saw you two at your graduation last year.”

“it’s been a year. what does it even matter, we got together to party not talk about my problems,” you laugh pulling them from the kitchen into the living room. you spend the night talking catching up, telling them about your first year at the company you work for, how much you missed them, about how much you missed ushijima (you couldn’t help it you were tipsy). you realize how much you've missed talking to someone about trivial matters. you missed having no distance with people. how did things get so far away with ushijima you wonder.

at some point you black out and when you finally come around you’re tucked into your friend’s bed sandwiched between your friends. you gently untangle yourself from them and wash up in the bathroom. the cold water pulling you from your drowsiness and straight into the deep end of the nastiest hangover you’ve probably ever had. “wake up losers, i'm making breakfast for our nasty ass hangovers,” you yawn as you make your way out of the bedroom. your friends shuffle around groaning telling you to shut up and we’ll be there in a bit. shuffling around the kitchen you begin making pancakes and as you wait for the batter to cook you pick up your phone. your stomach drops when you realize you have three missed calls and a couple texts from ushijima. you forgot to tell him you were going out, you honestly didn’t think he would care.

[wakatoshi ♡]

8:18 pm | I’m going to be home late today. Don’t worry about dinner.

8:18 pm | I’ll make something when I get home.

it’s not lost on you that he texted you he wouldn’t be home at an angel number. the universe was playing its jokes on you but you can’t seem to find the humor.

[wakatoshi ♡]

11:24 pm | Did you go out?

11:36 pm | When will you be home?

12:01 am | Please be quiet when you return home. Goodnight.

you laugh at his punctualness, identifiable even through text. as your friends file in and fill themselves up, you head out beginning your trek home. by the time you get home your feet hurt almost as much as your head. you bend over to free your feet from the shackles of your stupid fucking heels. “objectively i would’ve looked just as pretty with a pair of flats,” you grumble rubbing the budding blisters on your feet.

“you’re pretty in general so i doubt your attractiveness changes depending on what footwear you wear.” you snap your head up, blinking owlishly at ushijima. he places his hand out in front of you waiting for you to take it. when you do, he pulls you up and into his arms carrying you into the room. you really don’t know how to react, especially with your brain pounding for a whole new reason. cautiously, you turn your head to look up at ushijima as he sets you down, leaning up to place a kiss on his chin. you wait for a reaction, a response, anything you can get but all he does is turn around and walk out. it was as if he tied the beaded bracelet on your wrist just to yank it off.

you can’t help but sob into a pillow, what else were you supposed to do. you built yourself up to leave him only to be broken down by the tiniest bit of affection. ushijima had his hands around your throat and you couldn’t get it off you no matter what you did. you loved him so much, you couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t love you back. your throat constricted, your sobs got heavy. you froze when you heard the bedroom door open. you could’ve sworn you’ve been crying for ages but only a couple minutes had passed. you held your breath as ushijima sat next to you, running his fingers through your hair. your heart beat pitifully and tears began to spill through your eyelashes again. you’re so fucking stupid, berating yourself never once allowing yourself to consider the feelings ushijima tried to awkwardly convey to you. “what happened? did something happen when you went out?” you sob louder. how could he be so unaware. “it was me wasn’t it.” you froze. “i actually would like to talk about this so when you’re calmer, may we?” you whisper out a simple yes in return feeling the nasty rope of anxiety tie knots in your stomach.

your thoughts spiraled, what did he want to talk about, did he really not love you, were you really just a small rock in the middle of his garden, were you something much more disgusting to him. he pulls you out of your thoughts just as quickly as he dropped you in them. quite literally. he pulls you onto his lap tucking your head into his chest and wraps his arm around your waist, playing with your hair once again. you two stay like that for what feels like decades. you can’t remember the last time you felt like he wanted to be around you, much less a time where he held you. gentle you pull away from his chest to face your unnerving anxieties.

“h-hey,” you whisper gently. you don’t miss the way his eyes soften at your voice. he doesn’t know how long it’s been since he’s heard your voice for something other than small talk. he missed your warmth, your voice, he missed you. so much. ushijima wanted to do better for you. when you seem to gain your resolve you finally give voice to the anxieties that planted it’s nasty seed in your thoughts. “have you ever loved me?” before you can get a response you continue, “i know i’m not lovable but are you with me for convenience. do you just deal with me? do i burden you with-”

“i am absolutely enthralled by you but i have no clue how to go about it.” he takes your face in the palm of his hands, brushing your tears away. “i want to try and do better. our distance is growing and i don’t like it at all. i understand we don’t have the most convenient relationship but i don’t want to end it because you mean so much to me.”

“i don’t want to end it either. i know it’s hard. i know it is, but you really think we could do it?” he smiles at you and it was as if a wall was broken down, not a big one but one that you had set up so you wouldn’t acknowledge ushijima or his feelings towards you.

“i know we can.”

[anti-dazai-blog]

Holy shit the anon hate is insane. I’m new to tumblr so maybe this is the norm?? Idk. All your doing is character analysis on a character who is an ASS. I would understand if you were shitting on the writing but ur not.

Im not even biased in your favor! Im an avid Dazai enthusiast in a ‘he is pathetic and only showers once a week’ kind of way but an enthusiast none the less.

I read “dazai take down” 1.1 and agree with everything. I guess where we differ is that I don’t think he’s predetermined that much, I find that kind of character boring and from what I’ve seen of dazai he’s not that.

I could ramble on forever, anyway thank you for the analysis ( and that other one on sskk that was great and how I found this account). I hope you don’t get discouraged from the hate!

Anon. I love you so much. For real (not sarcastically like I love anon Steve).

it’s currently 2 in the morning in my timezone (nearly 3), and the only reason I’m still awake is because I Get Sick Often and it keeps me up to unreasonable hours. I’m so sleep-deprived at the moment it’s not even funny. I slept less than three hours last night, I probably slept 2 the night before. I don’t know if or when I’ll get to sleep tonight, but whatever it’s spring break so who cares.

I know I respond to a lot of these anons with memes and stuff, but I really have been thinking about it beyond what I say on tumblr. It’s not my intention to post anything offensive or mean, and if my account upsets so many people. Well. Clearly I’m being offensive.

but why though? I’d think that the same way it’s not offensive to me when someone posts something in support of Dazai, it shouldn’t be offensive to anyone else when I post stuff against him.

and this account is new. It’s under two weeks old. I posted the first post in what I planned to be a long series today. To be honest I actually had a great time writing post number one and planning out post number two.

I don’t see much of a problem with hating on a fictional character. The reason for that is because it’s a fictional character (idk if you’re familiar with the rocko and Elmo series of tiktoks. But that’s what this all feels like to me. I’m just shouting into the void “but he’s a rock fictional!!”)

I understand that not everyone’s gonna like my content and that’s perfectly fine. But if people could figure out how to make good use of the block button instead of the “send anon hate” button. That would be great.

anyway.

thank you, so much, for your ask. Seriously. I wasn’t necessarily planning on quitting, but I did consider deleting this blog and starting this whole thing again on a new one. So long as someone out there isn’t mad at me for not being the biggest fan of Fictional Dudes Who Probably Don’t Shower, I’m gonna continue with this as I originally planned

[whatevencomesnext]

Oh mannn I completely forgot about Tumblr! This was all I was on when I was a teenager. Wow. I’ve been going and deleting all my social medias because I’m sick of them, I’m sick of the culture and the algorithms and how addictive they are. Something something cleaning up my digital footprint so I can actually get a job, but mostly I’ve just decided I don’t like social media anymore. I guess Tumblr is different, it's a lot easier to be anonymous imo. I don’t even know what this is. One last shout into the void.

I'm tired of social media and how unhappy it makes me, and so I've been thinking a lot about the role tech has in my life and the lives of people around me. The first ever art class I took that was more focused on technology, the prof told us right off the bat that we were basically cyborgs. Even if most of us don’t have like, brain implants or a third arm (like that crazy artist guy Kenneth told me about)

But our tech is still more or less attached to us. I mean think about it, person who probably stumbled across this blog by accident, can you remember the last time you didn’t have your phone with you? Or near you? Or close enough to get easily? According to A Cyborg Manifesto by Donna Haraway, a cyborg is someone with both organic and cybernetic parts. A mix of the two. It seems really, like, sci-fi, but isnt it kinda true? And man, I don’t know how to deal with that. That prof told our class that aaaages ago and I still think about it, like especially over the pandemic. We’re way way more dependent on tech than we were even a few years ago and idk, it seems like I’m the only one under 40 that finds that unnatural? Like, we as a species figured out how to survive a million billion years or whatever just fine without smartphones and wifi everywhere. Why is it so essential to our lives now?

It totally freaks me out as well. I get ads on youtube related to stuff I mention out loud. I feel like I should be wearing a tinfoil hat when I say these kinds of things, but its something a lot of people know about AS A FACT- but just dont care. I just started watching an older show with my roommate and okay like I’ve never used facebook aside from uni class group chats but i logged on the other day bc i forgot my aunt’s birthday and like. Facebook was like hey! Wanna join a fan group for this show? :) It made me want to throw my laptop into the wall!!!!

And yeah, there’s a part of me that’s like, woah thats kind of an extreme reaction. But like!!!!! Don’t I have a right to privacy?? Can’t I talk about whatever stupid thing I want without worrying about who’s listening outside the room and selling this info to the corporate overlords at Meta???? I told my dad about that happening and he got creeped out, understandably, and then I told my brother and he was like “yeah? That’s how it is lol” And like!! I don’t know if im alone in this but thats not how it should be????

I’m gonna buy a flip phone and go live in the woods. Contacting my loved ones should not come at the price of being wiretapped.

[jungledubs-archive]

idk if you're still doing this but if you are evil x and 4 pls?

4: “I don’t know how to tell you this, but yelling at someone to, stop panicking, isn’t going to stop them from panicking.” I wrote this all very fast in a burst of inspiration, so I went a bit nuts with my Evil X and other Helmits interpretations, haha--might not be exactly what you asked for but I hope it suffices. For anybody who doesn’t know, Doug is Hels!Ren, Spector is Hels!Doc, Rye is Hels!Grian, and Bruce is Helsknight. (Prompt list here)

He doesn’t usually intervene.

The other Helsmits have never really respected him—they fear him, yes, but especially after he spent most of Season 7 in the void, they’ve never respected his authority. So he leaves them to their squabbles and games. He’s above them, anyway. Above their silly nicknames and wild antics, above their pitiful alliances and tentative truces.

At least that’s how he used to think. He’s changed (against his will, mind you), and now that he’s returned, Evil X has elected to stop turning a blind eye to his servermates... even if it’s mostly just for his own amusement. And he doesn’t usually intervene.

Usually.

This isn’t usually.

“Caesar!” comes the shout from Doug, and it takes him a moment to register that oh, right, that’s his name now. He still doesn’t particularly like it, but he has to admit that it’s better than simply ‘Evil X’. “Caesar!”

As he runs towards them he can see that Doug has an unconscious Spector half sitting on the ground, half in his arms, the ram-wolf-man’s eyes wide and stricken with panic. Caesar’s boots thump loudly on the blackstone as he rushes to them, focused on Spector and nothing else.

“What happened?” he asks, using his thumbs to unlatch his helmet and yank it off so that he can see better. Spector was usually quite meticulous and careful, unlike most of the other Helsmits.

“They were arguing—fighting,” answers a new voice before Doug can speak a word. It’s Bruce, and beside the knight is Rye, his leathery wings fluttering nervously. “Doug fucked up his leg real bad.”

“I think he short-circuited,” Rye puts in, and Caesar’s gaze trails over the unconscious Enderman’s extensive robotic implants and enhancements. “Also, like Bruce said, his prosthetic leg’s fucked. I didn’t think he could feel pain in it, though.”

“He can’t,” Doug murmurs. “That’s why I hit it.”

Rye snorts. “Smashed it, more like. Dude, you went nuts-”

Doug snarls at Rye, baring his teeth in a gesture that was starkly wolf-like in contrast to his curled horns and floppy ears. “I didn’t mean to hurt him!” he shouts, and there’s a hiccup in the middle that indicates to Caesar that Doug is distressed.

Caesar stands up abruptly and pushes Rye away from Doug with gentle force. “Back off,” he says sharply. “Let’s focus on helping Spector.” It isn’t the first time something had gone south unintentionally—there are a few missing limbs or eyes around that had been caused by other server members after a feud got out of hand. But it’s definitely the first that Caesar’s been witness to. At least Spector had already lost his leg, so it was just a matter of replacing the prosthetic. “So he collapsed while you were fighting?”

Doug nods quickly. He looks... upset. Really upset. Caesar kind of wants to give him a hug, which is an odd feeling, seeing as Caesar has pretty much never hugged anybody in his entire existence.

“We need a redstoner,” interjects Bruce. “Should I get someone?”

Caesar looks to him, grateful that someone seems to know how to deal with the situation. “Yeah. Get... Balderdash.” He picks someone at random, based off of Helsmits he thinks might be less bothersome than others.

“Good idea—‘cause that means Charleston, too. They’re a package deal.” Bruce smirks and Rye starts to snicker, and Caesar shoots them both a glare that he hopes indicates the right amount of ‘stop joking around or so help me gods I will snap both of your necks right here in front of my base’. And it must, because they both fall quiet. “I’ll- I’ll go get BD and Charlie.” And with that, Bruce sprints away as if he can’t leave fast enough.

Doug’s set Spector on the ground now, and his breathing is really starting to hitch. Caesar isn’t familiar with panic attacks, but he’s starting to figure out that Doug might be having one. Before his time away, Caesar would have scoffed and called the other Helsmit weak—now he looks on with pity and helplessness. He doesn’t know what to do.

“Stop panicking, Doug!”

Caesar sighs. Of all the things he knows not to do, that’s one of them. And yet Rye is trying it anyway.

“W-wh-”

“Stop! Panicking!” Rye grabs Doug by the shoulders and Caesar genuinely considers punching the small, annoying, winged Helsmit. “Spector’s going to be fine, c’mon man-”

Caesar slowly gets back to his feet and fixes Rye with the iciest stare he can manage. “Rye, I don’t know how to tell you this,”—he punctuates his words with a firm step between Doug and Rye—“but yelling at someone to stop panicking isn’t going to stop them from panicking.” And with a deliberate turn on his heel, he forces Rye to stare at his back as he cups Doug’s cheeks in his hands and insists, “Spector will be okay. I’m going to try to wake him up. You are not responsible for him passing out.”

“Okay. Okay,” Doug says. “Okay. Let’s fix this.” He looks down at Spector. “Shit, I’m sorry, man...”

Caesar tries to smile, but it falls short. “Right. Fix this. Let’s do it.”

[chibi-tsukiko]

Hey love!

(sorry I keep talking to you, things seem quite tough for you lately and I want to send some support somehow but I hope it's not becoming annoying. I'm not good at gauging this sort of things so please please tell me if it make you uneasy.)

I wanted to say, while we are told a lot that when something happens you should talk about it, this just doesn't work for everyone and it's okay. We all have our way to deal with things. As long as you can figure out what works for you then you should try to do it and you don't have to feel bad about doing it your way.

If it's okay to ask, do you shut down even though you would like to talk to someone, or do you shut down because that what you need to take care of yourself? (that's how I tend to process things myself, because verbalising is often hard for me so I need a lot of alone time before I feel like talking. Is it anything like that?)

I'm sadly not able to say or do anything that would make things better for you but if you ever need to vent I'll listen. I think sometimes you don't need any actual answers, you just need to let things out. So if you want to talk, believe me I don't mind you coming to me. I can't promise I'll be available all the time, I often take a long time to respond and no it's not going to be a life-changing answer, but if it can help you then by all means feel free to do it.

Now, if you just don't feel like talking to anyone it's absolutely okay. And if you feel better writing how you feel but not sending it to no one in particular it's totally fine too! You don't have to feel bad about it, there is no bad way for doing this.

Stop blaming yourself, you're doing great. It might be hard to see it right now but you really are.

Angelface! Neeeeevverrrr apologize for talking to me! I look forward to your messages every day, they always put a smile on my face! & I appreciate them so much since I’m often to “in my head” to reach out myself 😅🙈

As for your question, I would say it’s more because I am a very “it is what it is” type of person, so I often don’t verbalize because I

1) dk what to say really

2) nothing i say changes the situation so why bother complaining or whining about it?

I think it also comes from not having an emotional support system. I never had one from my parents & I didn’t have one from friends either. I often got told “I don’t know what to say to help you when you feel like this so Idk what you want me to do” or “it makes me uncomfortable when you talk like that cuz idk what to say.”

Two valid reason, but as a kid/adolescent hearing that you learn to just keep your problems and emotions to yourself so you don’t bother anyone with them.

Which is why having friends and a support system like I do on here is so foreign to me. I appreciate everyone being so willing to listen to my rants or reading through my somber texts posts, habits are just hard to break.

I appreciate everyone who checks in on me or sends me any random message that distracts me. I truly do.

I’m just used to keeping things to myself that the closest I come to “talking about it” is when I make long texts post because they feel like I’m shouting to the void rather than at an actual person 🤷‍♀️

Thank you for always talking with me ♥️ I’m very lucky to have you 🫂

[peach-the-owl]

Snowballs and Sunrise

Child of the Nein (Lucien & Child!Reader)

Warning: Potentially minor spoilers ahead? Idk 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you could describe Eiselcross with one word it’d have to be cold, windy was a close second but even the rare occasions without the wind this frozen landscape made you shiver. If it wasn’t the cold that was bothering you then it was your thoughts, many questions swam around your head but after a while you’d mostly given up on asking, knowing full well your answers would be cryptic, vague or short. Although you retalliated the same with your own answers, figuring if Lucien wanted to be mysterious then so would you. This became a little game for yourself seeing as there was not much else to do until the rest of his party finally caught up, but it could only bring so much entertainment before you'd get bored again. A mischievous idea came to mind, he probably wouldn’t like it as much but at least you’d finally feel entertained, ever so carefully as to not alert him you grab some snow and form it into a ball in your hands. You slowly approach where Lucien was standing, inspecting the landscape ahead, he shifts his gaze slightly making you pause in your steps.

"Yer not plottin' an attack are ya?" He glances at you over his shoulder.

"What? Nooo, that’s impossible." You play innocence, you weren’t sure if he actually bought it but he looks back to the horizon regardless. Without wasting another moment you hurl the snowball at him, hitting his shoulder blade. He whips around and stares at you with minor annoyance, you can’t help but start giggling at his reaction.

"Oh ya think that’s funny, do ya?"

"Actually yes, I do." He raises an eyebrow at you. "Oh come on, I’m bored you can’t expect a kid to sit still all the time." You cross your arms in a huff.

"Perhaps, but a little patience might be-" before he can finish you throw a second concealed snowball at him, nailing him in the face causing him to trip backwards a bit. You burst out laughing, it wasn’t your intention to beam him in the face but boy was it funny.

"I’m so sorry." You say through the laughter. "I wasn’t trying to hit your face, honest." He doesn’t respond, just stands there with one hand covering his face. You calm down a bit taking notice to his lack of a responce. "I-I didn’t hit you that hard… did I?" You approach him slowly. When you get close enough you notice a moment too late the smirk that curls across his face as he flicks some snow into your face with his tail.

"Who's laughin' now." He gives a chuckle. You wipe the snow off your face and scowl at him playfully.

"Oh it’s on!" You shout, going to grab more snow. Despite the differences between Molly and Lucien, one half wanting to bring something good to the world and the other half having a more cynical view to it, the two did also share similarities which could blur some of the lines. Like this moment now, it felt very reminiscent of you’re travels with Molly and the playful little wars you’d have against each other, always ending in the both of you sharing a good laugh. Even still there were subtle differences in personality and presentation you caught onto that let you separate Molly from Lucien, but you had to admit it was a nice achievement on yourself to get Lucien to show a more playful side to himself other then his all-mysterious-business attitude. Best to catch these moments now as you were sure you’d never have this chance again once the rest of the Tombtakers finally arrived. By now you were covered in snow and a shivering mess while Lucien was mostly unaffected by the cold, darn his naturally warmer blood.

"Admit to defeat." He stares at you slyly.

"It-t was w-worth it." You say through chattering teeth, crossing your arms and pulling your furry coat closer to try and gain some warmth. Just then you hear something growling and look over to find a large polar bear 25 feet away, you take a few steps back to distance yourself, the bear rears up and roars before charging at you. Your yanked to the side, taking a second to catch yourself from the sudden action and catch the sound of swords being unsheathed followed by a roar of pain. You spin around to see a gash in the bears side, staining its white fur a bright red, Lucien takes a quick glance over at you.

"Close yer eyes, ya might not want t' see this." You cover your eyes but still dare to peek through the cracks of your fingers, watching as nine different points on Lucien's body give off a glow and not long after the polar bear drops to the ground, blood trickling out of its eyes and mouth. You remove your hands staring in astonishment, the nine glowing points fading away.

"I didn’t know you could do that." You say without thinking, just letting the words tumble out.

"There’s a lot ya don’t know about me." He remarks. The sky had started turning dark by now, the two of you having to make camp between some rocks that jutted out of the ground, it wasn’t the best sleeping conditions but it helped keep the wind away. Taking a seat on the ground you notice the nasty scratch on Lucien's arm.

"Your bleeding." You point at the wound, he just stares at it for a moment.

"That I am, nothing too concernin' though." He brushes it off. You shuffle closer and place a hand on his arm to cast Cure Wounds, he flinches a little. "What d'ya think yer doin'?"

"Healing the wound… duh." You say like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

"It'll be fine, ye don’t have to do that."

"I know… but I’m gonna anyways." You reply continuing with the spell, he goes quiet while you do, so to fill the void of silence you start humming a quiet, somber melody you’d learned when you were little, well… litter. When your finished he inspects where the wound was then looks back at you.

"Alright, what’s the catch." You just stare at him confused. "Ye must want something in return."

"Nope, nothing." You shake your head.

"Then why go through the trouble without my askin'?"

"You mean just being nice to a friend?" You raise an eyebrow at him, again he goes quiet taken slightly aback by your words. After a brief pause he finds his words.

"Well… ye certainly are full of pleasant surprises little one." You give a bit of a bow as a thank you, then roll over and curl in on yourself to keep warm and try to get some sleep.

Sleep never really came, the seconds ticking by slowly causing your thoughts to ramp up again. You were sure by now the rest of the Nein had noticed your absence, although if that really were the case they certainly didn’t try to get in touch, but maybe that was one of the side effects of the strange magic here? Who knows. Were they still even in Rumblecusp? If you had to make a guess it was possible that they were at least sailing back to the main land by now, but you’d lost track of how many days had past on your voyage here. You let out a sigh, the combination of your concerned thoughts and the cold making it impossible to get any proper sleep, you don’t move instead just forcing yourself to keep your eyes closed. When that too becomes fruitless you sit up and stare at the sky watching as clouds float by, letting out another puff of air.

"Can’t sleep either I take it." Your startled by the voice coming from the other side of your rock shelter, you peek around to see Lucien leaning against the rocks and staring out at the horizon. He shifts a little to look at you then back to the skyline. "Since yer awake, care to watch the sunrise with me?" Slowly you pick yourself up off the ground and shuffle around the rocks, thankfully the wind wasn’t too terrible but you still shiver from the cold. You stand there awkwardly for a moment body shaking and teeth chattering as the sky starts to brighten up more and more. You feel and hand suddenly pull you in and are met with a warm embrace, catching yourself leaning into it so easily that you also felt a bit uncomfortable about it.

"This feels a little too natural, don’t oh think?" Your answered with silence, no reply or witty comeback just a calm silence. You crane neck to look up at him, he looked calm, content even just gazing out at the view in front of him like he wasn’t even aware of his earlier action. A small smile appears on your face, you weren’t gonna let your thoughts ruin this as you let yourself look back to the horizon. The sky held onto lovely colours of oranges, pinks, and blues as rays of sunshine start pecking out, the slight wind whipping up loose snow making it sparkle when it hits the light. You can’t help but take in the moment, even if it wasn’t the most beautiful sunrise you’d ever seen it was one well worth appreciating.

[sewnblade]

The Manslayer

A/N HI GUYS.... this is new for me. mainly just doing this to have an outlet for my self indulgent bullshit. <3  might do a few chapters of this but IDK??

TW: anything you’d see on peaky blinders is game. nothing graphic happens in this at all, but references to murder, parent death and abuse. 

 Humans- real ones- wouldn't conduct themselves this way.

Wouldn’t have had to be locked away, thrashing and cursing, in his office. Wouldn’t be passed out on the firm oak top of his desk, curled up with stocking feet, muddied on the bottom, torn, drooping over the side.

But here you are. Whiskey still acrid on your lips, the ghost of a cigarette stale on the back of your tongue. What does that make you?

Papers, ledgers and notes, a mess beneath you. He wouldn’t be happy. The drunken spectacle itself was frustrating, but not unheard of. Not remotely unheard of, for anyone in his life. But you know how he feels about the sanctity of his space, and how he’d deal with almost anybody else invading it like this.

Though- to be fair- it had been Polly that had turned the key.

There, unconscious and blessedly quiet, your mind passes through dim, malformed memories, watching them like a picture show someone has made of your past without having lived it. The villains laughable and overacting, the blood made of syrup and wine. In one of them, Tommy even shows up in time.

That’s out of place enough to wake you up.

Raising heavy eyelids, you can make out the flash of a lighter before you can piece together the man behind it. He’s sitting as he so often is- somehow at once slouching and as poised as a Greek statue, a sullen boy hewn in marble and timeless. Taking in the measure of you, of your state- and God, it is a state- he huffs through his nose and swirls his whiskey. “We’re going to have this conversation again, are we?” he drawls around his cigarette, a slight strain in his voice as he leans forward to pull a crumpled sheet of paper free from beneath your knee.

His tone is unreadable.

“Wh’time is it?” you dodge, making a show of propping yourself up on one arm, rubbing your eyes.

He doesn’t answer at first, taking a drag, but after a moment his half-lidded gaze finally turns to the side, towards the shop, and he motions similarly with his glass. “Well, late enough they’ve all fucked off, if that’s your worry.”

“It’s not,” you snipe back.

Unfazed, Tommy closes his eyes and raises his eyebrows for a moment in what is as close to a shrug as you’re likely to get. As much as you care about him- as much as you should feel comfortable around those eyes- every time they close there’s a flood of relief. A moment of shelter in a torrential wind that batters you, fights its way into the gaps in your coats and your stockings. Makes you turn your head away, squint your eyes so hard you can’t see where you’re going anymore. “You staying up there, then?” he asks, his demeanour not altogether unfriendly.

“Well,” you venture, finally sitting up, “every moment I’m up here is a moment you’ve got to talk to me.” A little grin, almost too small to notice, and you test the waters. “I’m sat on your numbers.”

He acknowledges you with a lazy ‘hmmh’ of agreement and leans back in his seat again. “You’ve cut all your hair off,” he observes, as though he hadn’t seen it the second he walked in. As though Arthur hadn’t barked the knowledge at him when he’d discovered you taking up as a working girl. The last time Tommy had seen your hair it was long and coveted, thick, softened with oils and pulled into a long, loose plait. Now, chopped blunt below your cheekbones, the curls hang in your eyes and do as they please.

“That's right,” you agree, trying not to sound defensive. “Men recognising me was bad for business. No one wants to fuck a—“ you catch yourself, and risk a quick look at him. Somehow, even perched on his desk with him sprawled in his chair beneath you, you’re still looking up at him. The incongruity leaves you a bit dizzy. “-well. Get a reputation as a manslayer,” you spit that word out like a mouthful of blood halfway through a boxing match, “and suddenly the men go shy.”

There is a flash of something old and scarred-over in his morning-mist eyes as they flick back to you, gaining his undivided and unpretentious attention for the first time that night. Christ, for the first time that month. He gestures at you, accusing, with his cigarette. “And I’m not paying you enough to let them stay shy? Is that it?”

You can feel the warm flush creeping up from beneath the collar of your dress, spilt wine leeching through a tablecloth. A beat, and you open your mouth to respond, but the thousand things you want to say to him are withering and retreating under his scrutiny. You’d fought for weeks for him to talk to you straight, and now that you had it, the words were quicksilver through your fingers. Instead, all you can manage is “can I have a drink please, Tom?” It's weak. Tentative.

In one motion, Tommy knocks back the rest of his whiskey, and clinks your glass together with his in pinched fingers to pull them toward the bottle. “From what I hear, it’s the drink that caused all this,” he replies. You’re not sure whether he means the mess you’ve made of his office, or the scene you made in the betting shop, or the state of your life- he’d be right in any instance, but he pours the drink regardless and sets it down again. “That was a rhetorical question, by the way,” he adds. “At the rates I’m giving you, you must be the only whore in Birmingham just doing it for the love of the job.”

You bristle. It was meant to hurt, and it did. “And what other job shall I get, Tom? Ay?” you finally fire back, hands gripping the edge of the table. “No one decent will hire me ‘cause of— ‘cause of what happened, and no one indecent will hire me ‘cause you’ve made it very fucking well known I’m tainted stock, by order of the Peaky fucking Blinders!”

His hand, still holding his cigarette, squeezes between his eyes. “You want for nothing, (Y/N),” he says, his voice tired and straining. You know that catch in his throat- he’s been shouting all day. Shouting, cigarettes, spirits, repeat. If he’s lucky, inhale some gunsmoke and furnace backdraft in between. He could be a baritone with that voice of his, could have sung for crowds. “I’ve seen to it, I’ve fucking seen to it—“ he’s raising his voice now, crescendoing, and you can feel the crowd swelling with him. Then, all of a sudden, he changes tack and the volume of his voice drops. “You don’t need a fucking job, you need to be looked after- and I’ve fucking well done that for the last three years,” he says, seething, and it's almost a complaint. He's trying to get the words out before you can object, and he can see your objection mounting.

Like clockwork, your indignation escapes you in a breathy laugh. “I need to be what?  That’s fucking rich coming from you, Thomas Shelby. The last time I needed to be looked after, you showed up just in time to miss everything. I did it all. All of it.” After it leaves your mouth, tumbling, flooding out, you regret it immediately. It tears at you on its way out, the regretful sting of a honeybee. And as infuriating as it is, you hear your voice wavering, feel your face tightening.

For a moment, Tommy looks at you- really looks at you. Not coolly, not strategising or trying to put you in your place. And you know he can see through you, down to the churning, violent, black void you choke down every day. The dark hollow, the bottomless-sea eyes of someone who has taken human life, someone who has been harmed permanently, someone who walks among humans but is no longer one of them. You know, because when he lets you see it, you can see it straining to escape from the pits of his pupils as well. War had happened to him, being a Blinder had happened to him. Your father had happened to you.

And in return, you had happened to your father.

“So, fine,” he relents, and with a blink he’s managed to obscure the dark portal again. There’s only the frozen, windswept wasteland of his gaze. “You don’t want the money, you don’t have to take it.”

“It’s not about the money, Tom,” you argue, and are loathe to hear it come out in a whine. “It’s about— it’s about trying to live as a ghost in this city. Just an open, needy mouth, a parasite. You're the only people who will talk to me, and even you don't want to talk to me. It’s not fair on you, and it’s not fair on me. And I know you loved him, and I know I took him away from you—“

His expression shifts suddenly, and in an instant his hand is lashed around your wrist, the grip so tight and violent you think the bone might snap. “Is that what you think?” he demands, his voice dangerously low, his face close enough that you can taste the whiskey on his breath. “You think I resent you for what happened?”

“Don’t you?” it could very easily have come out sarcastically, and maybe that would have been preferable. Instead, it escapes you in a timid, weak breath that you despise instantly. “I’m the one that did it.”

And for one fleeting instant you catch it- you’re sure of it- pain flashes across his features. It’s gone as quickly as the flicker of a candle flame, but you know what you’ve seen. Those little frames of truth, the ones Polly could read as sure as tea leaves and bad intentions. You know she can, because she saw the dark spirit before anyone else. Warned everyone, warned Tommy. Only he hadn't listened well enough.

Tommy’s grip on your wrist stays, but softens. His thumb traces your pulse, making you very aware of the raucous thudding of your heart. His eyes, those February wind-storm eyes, fixate on you- and even though you can feel the intensity of what it means when Tommy Shelby gives you his attention, the power of it no longer buffets you and stings your eyes and lips.  “Listen to me, (Y/N). Killing in self defence is not a sin, and I am not St. fucking Peter.” And just like that, the edge is gone from his voice. Because he’s got the measure of you, now.

You'd wanted to be an animal, a beast, a frenetic and untameable creature- because Tommy had more time and more patience for beasts than for men. What you hadn't anticipated- and you fucking should have, you little fool- was that the reason Tommy preferred the company of animals was that they fell under his spell without messy complication. After all, wasn't that the reason he'd spent all those afternoons as a boy helping at the stables with your father? Couldn't those hands, capable of such brutality and such violence, settle calm as warm sunlight against the sides of a horse's muzzle? Didn't every horse, whether wounded or ornery or spooked find something other humans couldn't explain in that cut-marble face and those December storm eyes?

He is taking you by the muzzle and blowing short puffs. You're nothing more than a mare causing trouble at the far end of the stable. Rattling her stall doors. And he knows how to settle you.

And it's working.

Your other hand finds its way to his grip on you, tentatively settling over his own. “You've done so much for me, Tom,” you admit finally. “I don't want you to think it's ingratitude, and I don't want you to think I don't appreciate you. I just- I want to feel like I- I dunno, I guess-”

As you fumble for words, you can feel his hand squeezing your wrist gently, reassuringly. “Like you're doing something to earn it,” he finishes, looking lazily across the room. He isn't really talking to you, you know- just thinking out loud, as he so often is.

“Like I'm of use to someone,” you correct him gently.

His head doesn't turn, expression doesn't budge even a tic, but his eyes come back to meet you. “And you want to be of use to me, ay?” he asks, still calm- but you can sense the whisper of a warning dancing beneath his words. “Have you even the faintest idea what can happen to people who agree to be of use to me?”

Scooting forward, you ease yourself off his desk, just leaning against it now, and find yourself occupying the position between his spread legs. Retrieving the bottle from where he'd set it a few minutes ago, you set it to his glass with a faint clink and refill it. He's silent, appraising again, but you can see that little glimmer of a laugh in his eyes. Where he kept it locked away, along with the other parts of himself that slowed him down.

Finally, you tilt your head like you'd been considering the answer. You hadn't- you knew it all along. “You let them?”

[fizzingwizard]

Last week I mistakenly wrote “episode 41″ instead of “episode 40.” Tried to fix it, not sure if Tumblr let me. Here’s the real episode 41!

We’ve been on a pretty darn good streak lately, but this episode was a miss for me. It’s not terrible - it’s still far and away better than much of what we were getting in the past - so I don’t want to be harsh. It’s a much needed Yamato & Takeru centric episode, which I was excited for.

But one of the weaknesses in this reboot is that the characters just lack the strong motivations and inner conflict that drove the 99 Adventure series. It’s not completely absent, but it’s very dialed back by comparison. So I just couldn’t really feel the brotherly bond this episode wanted me to feel. But more below the cut.

Pic of the week:

Yamato and his gentle face <3

The group is taking another break. I will never get bored of watching them just chill.

Gomamon gives Jou a massage. On the one hand, cute! On the other, wtf? XD I mean wouldn’t that hurt? He has claws

Cutest siblings.

Even though they’re taking a break, Taichi, of course, is too responsible to properly goof off. (99 Taichi would be so freaked out by this kid.) He decides to go scouting and Koushirou offers to go with him. I really hoped we’d see a bit of what they do this episode scattered through the main story, but looks like we’ll get to it next week and I can’tttt waaaaitttt

Speaking of the main story, Yamato and Takeru decide to go gather food.

Who even knows what the other four get up to. Jou and Mimi continuing their break makes sense, but I’m kinda surprised Hikari and Sora didn’t want to join one of the tasks, or do their own. I suppose they know they can’t leave Jou and Mimi unsupervised though hurr hurr

So Takeru and Yamato go to look for food and find themselves surrounded by fog. Suddenly this little guy, Opossomon, pops out. I instantly hate him and his annoying squeaky voice.

Opossomon takes them to his amusement park. He is sad because nobody comes to visit anymore. I figured Takeru would be like AMUSEMENT PARK AMUSEMENT PARK!! but literally all he cares about is “aw, opossomon seems sad, let’s give him what he wants.”

Whoever heard of a kid who wasn’t excited by amusement parks.

Takeru does get a little excited once they enter the park and start going on rides. They get on the ferris wheel - a classic Digimon motif - and the brothers recall going to a theme park with their parents before the divorce. Takeru reminisces happily, but Yamato seems a bit more reserved.

Takeru: Oniichan was scared of the haunted house and wouldn’t go in?

Gabumon: o_O y-you were??

Yamato: o/////////o

seriously Idk, I just love that he’s bothered by ghosts, bahahaha - pretty sure that wasn’t a thing till Tri, unless it happened in a CD drama or novel or something. Anyway it’s just, it’s just so perfect for Yamato, bahahaha

I am absolutely going to write a ficlet about Taichi, Yamato, & the haunted house now

Then there’s this weird bit. They come across a merry-go-round and they remember that, on their family trip, Takeru tried to go on it with Yamato, but Yamato said no and Takeru went with their mom instead. That seems to be the situation but IT’S NEVER EXPLAINED. Why did Yamato not want to go on the merry go round then?? Was there a reason? Or he just didn’t want to at the time, and the reason he regrets it now is because this turned out to be their last family trip and there was never another chance to go on the merry go round together after that? I could totally accept that but it’s not explained in any way.

Unless I totally zoned out... I’m pretty guilty of that with this show lol.

But this is the kind of thing that bugs me... we’re supposed to understand that Yamato, at least, is feeling some kind of melancholy, at least. But we have so little background for it. We know Yamato and Takeru don’t live together and that they care a lot about each other. But we don’t feel the kind of bitterness 99 Yamato had, nor is Takeru anything like as clingy as his 99 version. They seem pretty well adjusted.

And, I mean, that’s probably the point. Plenty of children of divorce are perfectly well adjusted. Maybe that’s the reason the producers didn’t want to be as heavy-handed with the trauma this time - there’s more divorced families than ever and you don’t want to be guilty of suggesting all those kids are messed up because of it. I’m on board with that. But even in 99, the main reason Yamato and Takeru struggled wasn’t because their parents were divorced - it was because the divorced separated them from each other as well. Each parent took one kid. You can see how that would seem practical, except that kids aren’t furniture, you can’t just divide them evenly and call it fair.

So... yeah. This episode seems to want us to believe Yamato and Takeru are indeed struggling over being separated. But it’s so low key. It just doesn’t make sense when in every other interaction they’ve had, they’ve been fine. The only previous sign was Yamato being worried about protecting Takeru when Tokyo was in danger, and anyone would be worried in that situation - you don’t need to be from a divorced family for that lol.

Back to busness - they come across... Xiaomon? Chowmon? who is annoyingly cute and helpless. Turns out, shock! The theme park is a trap! Opossomon is evil!

And he has evil balloons! Evil balloons!

Yamato and Takeru fight the balloons but somehow end up creating more fog and get separated. Previously they’d also realized that their Digivice communication wasn’t working, probably due to the fog. I hope we see more of that in future episodes.

Yamato hears Takeru’s voice coming from within the dreaded haunted house and ventures inside.

Here’s another bit that just left me like uggggh. Yamato is scared of haunted houses, so make it a big deal that he makes himself go in for Takeru! He has like one timid line about and that’s it. There’s no challenge here. There’s no stress. The whole encounter is like a minute long.

He quickly finds out the voice was actually just a mimic coming from these Takeru balloons.

And then Bakemon attacks.

Me: Now something interesting will happen, right??

Yamato: Nope.

Meanwhile, Takeru hears the story about how Opossomon has been luring Digimon into his theme park and then sacrificing them to his Monzaemon statue thing in another weird example of this Digimon-eat-Digimon world we’re in Why Opossomon is doing this, or where Monzaemon came from, is never explained.

Takeru also encounters his dreaded theme park ride, the roller coaster. But Pegasusmon takes care of it in a single attack lol.

He fights his hardest but still can’t prevent his new friend from getting sucked into the void. This was another place where they could’ve stressed Takeru out, but he’s fine.

Ugh, I miss crybaby Takeru. The victories are more powerful when the challenges are steeper, what does this show not get about that?

Monzaemon then becomes WaruMonzaemon, but he seems to be a mindless puppet ordered around by Opossomon. I DON’T GET IT BUT OKAY.

Now Takeru does something really cool! He wants to save the trapped Digimon and he understands they’re inside WaruMonzaemon’s hole. So he willingly goes in himself!

That is SO COOL! Why isn’t it a bigger deal???

Why don’t we get Takeru struggling to muster his courage?

Why don’t we get real fear and worry from Yamato when he sees him go inside??

Yamato runs up right at that moment just in time to watch his brother get swallowed up. HE SHOULD BE OUT OF HIS MIND WITH PANIC.

But he just fights normally. Shouts Takeur’s name, gets a bit of a power boost... that’s it.

Inside WaruMonzaemon, Takeru finds out that the trapped Digimon are having their life energy sucked away by the balloons connected to them.

Then he and Patamon also realize their own energy is draining away thanks to their own balloons.

Yamato finally looks properly concerned, though it’s still like... not at the level the episode needs.

He recalls the family theme park outing again, and apparently he promised Takeru that the next time, they would go on the merry-go-round together. The episode treats this promise like it’s a Big Deal, again without explaining anything like they never got that next time thanks to the divorce, or they’re so lonely being so far apart, or Yamato is obsessed with giving Takeru everything he wants... I don’t. I don’t get it. I can’t be moved by this nonsense.

why a merry go round? Maybe there’s a good reason I’m not thinking of, but I wish it had been the haunted house or the roller coaster. It would make more sense if Takeru were scared of the roller coaster and only wanted to try it if Yamato went with him, but Yamato at the time said no, and thus Takeru didn’t get over his fear and the roller coaster itself played a role in this episode both towards Takeru getting stronger and their brotherly bond getting stronger...

Inside WaruMonzaemon, Takeru gives a speech about HOPE and HOPE IS IMPORTANT and WE MUST NOT LOSE HOPE and the other Digimon are like YES WE HAVE HOPE HERE’S OUR POWER and are able to channel their life energy into Patamon so he can evolve...

... and Angemon appears. And I’m like, oh yeah, this is the Takeru episode. It’s supposed to be his episode. IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT. If anything, up till this point it feels like a Yamato episode.

I mean, in the other episodes, the kids’ Crest traits mattered to various degrees. Sometimes they talked about it in words, sometimes they didn’t so much, but you could see the trait at play (uh, not sure how well that applies to Jou’s case tho...? lol). This episode gets to the very end and is like “Oh yeah by the way Takeru’s trait is hope... forgot to mention it before so lemme mention it ten times in a row now!”

If Takeru had seemed sad, scared, upset - literally any negative emotion - this would have worked, BUT AS USUAL HE’S FINE THE WHOLE TIME.

Angemon wins, duh.

And apparently it’s evening now??? They’re still gonna go get food. By the time they get back the other kids are gonna be like wtf where were you we are STARVING

So yeah, I guess you get the idea of how I feel about this episode. Just nothing special. It’s like a summary of the episode it wanted to be, if you know what I mean. On paper, everything looks fine, but in execution, it’s just... a lot of nothing. I mean compare this to 99 Takeru with DemiDevimon at the theme park. Or how about that fan favorite episode with Gotsumon and Pumpkinmon? Those both kick this out of the water, despite being no more complex.

I just so want this show to understand.... what made 99 Digimon good wasn’t just the monsters and the battle scenes, it was the kids’ relatable flaws and problems and the surprisingly organic way they learned new things and overcame obstacles. Digimon Adventure in 1999 had a way of teaching without preaching that is incredibly rare in children’s media. The modus operandi was pretty much let the kids be kids.

This 2020 reboot is not preachy - but it’s also lacking the stuff that made the 99 show relatable.

However. This wasn’t a terrible episode. At least it gave us some face time between the brothers. I’m frustrated, but I’m still glad that the show has overall been moving in a much more Digimon Adventure-like direction. And who knows what will happen in the end - I plan to rewatch the whole thing after the finale and maybe I’ll discover they were doing something totally different with Yamato and Takeru the whole time that I just didn’t notice, or that wasn’t clear until the very end. We’ll see.

Next week!

My favorite Digimon, Raremon, appears!

More importantly, TAICHI AND KOUSHIROU EPISODE, TAICHI AND KOUSHIROU EPISODE, TAICHI AND KOUSHIROU EPISODE!!!!!!!!!!

like I’m sooooo psyched for this!! I hope it’s good but I’ll just be happy to see the two of them working together. Taichi didn’t appear in the preview though, only MetalGreymon - not sure if that means anything. Regardless, my little Taishiro heart is pounding!

[nono-bunny]

Currently dealing with the aftermath of Grad being the shitshow that it was, and by that, I fully mean the amount of nasty stuff that came out of the fandom or fans or whatever. I enjoyed Grad until I looked it up online and saw that everyone hated it and I had to take a step back. It wasn't as good as it could've been, there were some genuinely BAD stuff in it, and they were also definitely not motivated to make it by some point which was rough to listen to. I really, really loved the McElroys for the past couple of years, they were my gateway into podcasts and I found a lot of stuff I love now through their content. But something has been irreparablely broken for me, because honestly? Yeah a lot of the criticism they get online is only becoming truer by the day and it a just kinda... Accumulates. Tbh I don't know how I would've gotten through the past couple of years without finding them, their (and over time, other) stuff on Polygon is a necessary and daily comfort watch for me still, I know a lot of their videos almost by heart. McElroy content has been a constant in my life for me in a time where everything I used to know collapsed around me (and it was, in fact, pre-pandamic so their stuff wasn't as tired and uninspired as it sometimes is now)

I'm just... really confused. I don't know what to do. I'm mad about a lot of stuff, I'm mad about the ableism Travis consistently faces, I'm mad about how Justin doesn't seem invested whatsoever in anything anymore, I'm mad about their lack of communication, I'm mad about them being unable to enjoy what they're doing anymore (or at least to make it consistently enjoyable to others), and... I'm hurt. It hurts to try to figure out if I should pull away, because it brings me a lot of joy, but also a lot of stress as of late. I'm really, genuinely hurt by the amount of hate Travis gets for being a person with AD(H?)D, when a lot of the stuff he gets flack for is stuff that I also battle with and face judgement for daily, like, for real, the Travis hate really genuinely got to me because it was all just... stuff I hear before too many times said about me or my neurodivergent friends. Idk.

Trying to be a McElroy fan rn just... hurts and confuses me and I don't know what to do because I don't want to let it go because it does bring me joy but also... it's just rough dealing with this weird state of constant conflicting emotions

I don't think I'm gonna even tag this, I'm kinda just shouting my frustrations to the void with this and if someone hears? That's fine.

[girlofmanyfandoms]

Kiss It Better

A/n: It’s like two or three days late (under the prompt of cuddles), but it has a decent word count so I’m not too upset with myself! It kinda accidentally turned into a hurt/comfort thing but that helped with ✨plot✨ So it’s okay! Also @titzweek here ya go-

Word count: 3000

Trigger warnings: mention of mild aggression (throwing plates), blood mention (nothing too graphic)

Warnings: it’s not the greatest and also i edited it at like 1 or 2am in the dark so like, maybe errors? Idk

Writing taglist: @everyonehasthoughts @imaramennoodle @bookwyrminspiration  @percabetn @an-absolute-travesty  @linhamon-roll  @a-lonely-tatertot @loverofallthingssmart @vibing-in-the-void @clearlykeefitz @callas-starkflower-stew @enbies-and-felonies

The morning mist held strong, reinforcing gravity and making it even more difficult for Tam to drag himself out of his makeshift bed by the lake. Leaning over the fogged up waters, he wrung out his bangs, combing them back into place with his hands. The water here could hardly be trusted.

“Well,” he grunted as he stood up, patting an old dying tree with a gloved hand. “It was nice seeing you, Wildwood. You take it easy, alright?”

The trees groaned in response, both from age and from the weight of all that it had undergone and seen from the hazy backgrounds of the world. Maybe that was why he cared for Wildwood. It was like him. From the shadows. Ignored until needed. Cast aside when they differ from the norm. To him, he and Wildwood were one and the same. Or at least, they used to be. In the past months, Tam had found what Wildwood could only hope to receive: love.

And as the colors of the sunrise faded into blue, Tam was comforted by that one constant he had in his life. His perfect golden boy there to bring light into his world.

————

As soon as Tam walked into the Vackers’ territory, he was yanked to the side, knocking the breath from his chest. He prepared for a fight, but upon seeing a stylized sparkling fabric blinking in and out of sight, he relaxed just a bit.

“What the hell, B? I thought you were trying to attack me.”

“Quiet,” Biana scolded, finally coming into view. Her annoyed expression quickly changed to fear and dread as a shattering sound echoes across the stone walls of the extensive landscape. Biana shut her eyes and winced noticeably. “He’s been at that ever since Dad stormed off.”

“Rough day?”

“I guess you could say that.” Biana bit her lip. “Mom went after Dad after he yelled at us.”

“But the two of you are okay, right?”

“I’m alright. It’s Fitz I’m worried about,” she admitted. “I’ve been too scared to go up to him because of… well, you know.” Biana’s thumb traced over her scars absentmindedly.

Tam squeezed her shoulder comfortingly. “Hey, you did what you could. It’s not your job to stop him from doing something irrational, and you’re not expected to do something that’ll trigger you. I’ll go after him.”

“Tam, it’s fine, I’ll do it-”

“I’ll go after him, you get some rest.”

“Only if you promise to be careful,” she warned. “Use your cloak as a shield, so that you don’t get caught in the crossfire of his throws. And put your gloves back on!”

Tam slipped off his gloves and tossed them behind his back without a second thought. He dropped his cloak in a similar fashion, only going back to fold it neatly and add it to the pile. “I’ll be fine.”

“Tam, you know how he gets when he’s upset. The rage, it blinds him, it blurs anything and everything around him to the point where the only he knows is that fire of hate. He’s not going to register that it’s you approaching him.”

“I’m his boyfriend,” Tam pointed out in an exasperated manner. “I think I’ll be okay.”

“Well, you thought wrong.”

“Isn’t that a shame.”

Biana huffed, rubbing the crease between her brows. “You’re just as stubborn as he is.”

“Don’t they say that birds of a feather flock together?” Tam asked, walking backwards and opening his arms in a gesture that said That’s just how it is.

“Yeah, until the cat comes,” she shot back.

“Then let’s hope that cat doesn’t arrive.”

“You two idiots deserve each other!” she cried in one last attempt to get him to turn back.

“Thank you!” he called back, already headed towards the horizon.

Biana sank to the floor, scowling as she dragged Tam’s belongings closer to her for protection. “Dense fool,” she muttered. But Tam was already out of sight.

--------

Tam approached the area in a calm stroll, but as he drew nearer, the cold dread that Biana had described filled him and dragged him back, just like the familiar, addictive pull of the shadows. They gathered at his feet, shadowflux begging to be called on, but Tam was far too busy trying to calculate a way to coax his boyfriend into putting the crystal dishes down.

He was like a rampant bull, hurling plate after plate at the wall. His hands had small cuts, but overall he seemed to be unscathed despite the several hours this had clearly been going on. Tam avoided clumps of shattered pieces so as not to startle him. While his movements proved to make him a berserker, it was also an art. One slight decibel off might send him on the attacking side.

“Fitz!” Tam shouted. He didn’t even glance his way. “FITZ!” Still no response. He just kept on launching silverware as far as he could. Tam sighed. He didn’t want it to come down to this, but if Biana had waited hours just for him to show up and put an end to this, he was not going to let her down. He seized the tendrils of shadows that had been itching to be used and directed all of his focus towards the cup about to be thrown with the hope that if he used his ability instead of telekinesis, he would recognize his beloved.

Shiiiing!

Fitz immediately put his hands over his mouth in shock and guilt, rushing over to check the damage.

Tam cupped his hand, blood gushing from the wound like a river. “Guess you ran out of throwing stars, huh?” he joked halfheartedly, wincing as he applied pressure to the cut.

“Oh my goodness, I’m so dumb.” Fitz ripped off a sleeve from his shirt to wrap around the slice in his partner’s hand. He cupped Tam’s cheek, the boy gladly moving towards the physical affection. “I’m so sorry, Tammy.”

“It’s okay, you didn’t mean to do it,” he replied nonchalantly. Upon seeing the great panic spreading through Fitz’s person, he took a more gentle approach. “Hey, it’s okay. You’ve had a bad day and you just made a mistake, and I forgive you.”

“I hurt you.” Fitz’s voice cracked, and it became evident that Tam’s words had gone over his head. Fitz scooped Tam up in his arms and raced into the house.

“Relax, golden boy.” Tam rolled his eyes, but even he couldn’t deny that he enjoyed the attentiveness he was being given. “It’s just a little cut, it’ll heal.”

Fitz scrambled through the drawers until he found the bandages, a Bottle of Youth, and the antibiotic ointment. From there, his panic switched to precision, first rinsing the wound, then applying the ointment, then wrapping the gauze bandage. It was a completely different side of him, one that would sacrifice the world for the ones that he loved. And despite Tam’s rough exterior, he couldn’t help but lean his head on his other hand in admiration.

Once he had finished, Fitz sat on the bar stool next to Tam’s and combed through his rosy pink locks in distress. Tam nudged his shoulder with his nose several times, earning him a side hug and a kiss to the cheek, but no words other than the repeated apologies and self-deprecating phrases.

“Babe,” Tam said helplessly. “Let’s go upstairs at least, so we can talk about this privately.”

Fitz nodded, letting him lead the way. He was so preoccupied with his own thoughts that he didn’t notice when Tam had tucked him into bed and wrapped an arm around him, burying his face in his neck.

“I’m so, so sorry,” Fitz mumbled again. Tears welled up in his eyes, and Tam used his abled hand to wipe them.

“I told you it’s forgiven,” Tam gently reminded him. “Everyone makes mistakes.”

“Not the Vackers,” he countered, sniffling. “We always have to keep up our reputation, keep on smiling and charming everyone just to go to the store. I can’t go anywhere without people expecting me to be the perfect golden boy.”

“No one is perfect. We’re all flawed and traumatized and hurt, and we make stupid decisions because of them. You’re a kid, Fitz, it’s not your job to hold your family together.”

“I guess. But Biana…” he sighed, pulling Tam closer as he facepalmed in guilt. “I shouldn’t have done that with her here. And how am I supposed to clean up the yard before Mom gets back?”

“Don’t worry about that, the gnomes are already on it,” he coaxed. “And Biana understands. You can talk to her later. For now, the golden boy needs to rest.”

“I can’t,” Fitz protested, trying to get up. Tam flipped himself over him, ending up besides Fitzroy once more. “Tam, I have to take care of you, and help the gnomes, and apologize to Biana, and-”

“And all of that can wait until tomorrow,” Tam finished for him. “Except me, of course.”

Fitz laughed, a real, rich laugh, and he could tell that it was the first time he had done that in a while. “I’m guessing you want me to stay here all day, all night?”

“Well, I do need medical and physical attention you know.”

He kissed Tam’s nose, making him blush furiously. “Well then, I guess I’ve got to cancel my plans. But seriously, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

“You could kiss it better,” Tam suggested cheekily.

Fitz said no more, gingerly taking his wrapped hand and peppering kisses around where he knew the injury to be. He trailed them up his arms and neck until he finally met his lips.

“I am really sorry, babe. That got all out of control. My father, he… he’s done some messed up things to this family, and as the proclaimed ‘Gifted Child,’ I felt responsible for stepping in. And like everything else, I ruined it.”

“You don’t realize that the good you do purposely outweighs the slip-ups you make along the way.”

“This was more than a slip-up, Tam. I became a monster, something I’ve never seen before. I was a violent beast that lost control, all because my Dad yelled at me for being a ‘disgrace to the Vackers’ for being gay. And because of that stupidity, I hurt you, and scared Biana outside of that.”

Tam’s eyes widened with shock. “Wait, you got angry because you were protecting me?”

“Well, yeah, of course. My father can drag me down all he wants, but he’s not touching the people that I love.”

“Love?”

“I-I’m sorry, I should’ve known you weren’t ready-”

“I love you too.”

“I- Wait, really?”

“Duh,” Tam chuckled, before his expression grew shadowed and weary. “Besides… we all have a dark side. I know I’d do anything for the people I care about.”

“What does yours look like?” Fitz asked. “Your dark side, I mean.”

He smiled bitterly, shadows of his past trauma flashes before his eyes in a relentless, rough grip. “You don’t want to know that part of me.”

“Babe, I want to know every side of you.”

“You’re sure about that?”

“Of course,” Fitz grinned eagerly. “I want to know everything you’re willing to share.”

“Then cuddle with me. Get to know another part of me.”

Fitzroy rested his chin on Tam’s chest and brushed his bangs away from his eyes, just as his own were dancing with glee. “Gladly.”

—————

Tam woke up to a loud series of sharp knocks on the bedroom door.

“Your breakfast is gonna get cold,” a feminine voice told him.

He inhaled sharply and ruffled his hair, using his tunic to rub his eyes, all in an attempt to focus on the figure leaning against the doorframe.

“C’mon, it’s past noon.”

Tam bolted upright, rushing to the bedside to pull his boots on. It could’ve been Fitz calling to him, but his mind was cloudy, warping any and all audio that reached his ears.

“I knew that would get you up,” the voice snickered. “Fitz told me to get you up in time for breakfast in bed.”

Tam chanced a glance up to see if his vision had finally cleared. Yup, definitely not Fitz. “Oh hey, B. I take it you and your brother talked?”

She nodded, arms still crossed tightly around her lilac fleece-like pullover for warmth. “Came running to me and went on his whole apology speech once you passed out. It was dorky, but it was also very… him. If that makes any sense.”

“It does.” He took a moment to inspect the tray and found a neatly folded piece of paper. A note from him. He read through it as Biana kept talking.

Good morning dearest, I just wanted to leave you this note to remind you that I love you and to apologize once again.

“When I saw him rush outside a few minutes after Mom left with an armful of tupperware, I was confused, but when he started throwing them in the yard, I was terrified for him. He’s lost control, but never like that. I felt powerless.”

“You did what you could, no one can ask you for more,” he mumbled.

“I stood to the side and waited for his boyfriend to come and stop him, and he wound up getting hurt. Real brave on my end.”

“It’s not being brave you should be aiming for, it’s doing what you need to do in order to protect the people you live for.”

I’m sorry. I know you’ll probably tell me not to apologize, but I really needed to get that out there in ink. Thank you for being there for Biana, I don’t know how I would live with myself if I had traumatized her or made her feel unsafe around me, but we talked for a bit and she helped me find better coping mechanisms, so all is forgiven. Well, as long as I give her my desserts for this month.

“I don’t think I did that yesterday. I chose the coward’s path.”

“You took the wise path, and you protected number one,” Tam corrected. “You know your brother better than anyone, and you knew the right choice was to let him blow off some steam until someone who wasn’t present when everything went down could talk him out of it. That was brave, and I think it’s quite admirable, too.”

“I guess you’re right.” She sighed, pulling her hair into a messy ponytail to give her hands something to do. “Still, I’m sorry about your hand.”

Tam waved it off. “I’ve gotten enough Vacker apologies over that. There’s no need.”

“If you say so.”

You were completely understanding last night, even while I was breaking down. You guided me through everything, and you were there for me, even when I couldn’t be there for myself. Thank you for being there. For letting me shadow you until I could be whole and healed again.

“You’re good for him,” Biana blurted out abruptly.

Tam furrowed his brows, sure he heard that wrong. “I’m what?”

“I said that you’re good for him. Fitz. I meant what I said when I told you that you two idiots deserve each other.”

“Thank you,” he breathed in shock.

“Remember the idiot part and don’t let it get to your head.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

You are my healing darkness. No, not light. Darkness. Because I never understood why darkness was so demonized. Shadows are what keep you cool on a hot summer’s evening, what provides cover from the rain, and what puts you to sleep at night. The color black is as natural as the air flowing into our lungs, the blood circulating through our bodies, and the dirt under our feet. So when I think of darkness, I don’t think of fear; I think of hope. I think of you.

“You better not hurt him.”

“I won’t.”

“I’m serious, Tam. I know it sounds hypocritical considering what happened to you yesterday, but I’m just as protective of Fitz as you are of Linh. Understood?”

“Yes, Ms. Vacker.”

Biana relaxed a bit at the confirmation. “You promise to look after him?”

“I promise,” he agreed.

Y’know, when you called me golden boy, it got me thinking. Gold is the weakest metal, and for a while I thought the nickname fit me perfectly. A boy who was seen as the perfect, charming, valuable golden boy who could break in the blink of an eye. But the more I was with you, the more I thought about it. If shadows were misunderstood, maybe gold was too. And here’s the thing: gold doesn’t rust. You can break it and bend it and try all you want to ruin its life, but no matter what, you can’t make it rust. And second to you, that is the strongest thing I can imagine. So for you, I’ll stay strong. I won’t give up. I won’t rust.

“One last thing before I leave you alone.”

“Go right ahead.” Tam let himself free fall onto the mountain of pillows behind him, note still in hand.

“Don’t take advantage of him. He may be a pain in my neck, but he’s valuable,” Biana mentioned, clearly having so much more to say. “You’re… incredibly lucky to have him.”

So let’s work jointly on this. On healing. I’ll be your gold, strong when you’re weak. And you’ll be my darkness, always there for me. But we have to do this together. I’m willing to take a leap of faith if you are. All of my trust lies in you, and I hope you’ll pay me the same honor. So what do you say? Circle yes or no and meet me by Moonglade with your response. Last I remember, I still have to kiss it better.

With love,

Fitzroy

Tam picked up the pen tied to the tray and circled yes without hesitation. “I must be the luckiest man in the world.”

[super-nowa-art]

i got angry. and when i get angry, i rant. and when i rant, i need to share the rant with the void of social media, just to have an outlet.

if you don't agree with me, i don't care. not looking for discourse.

i watched this video, for context. literally no one cares but idk

https://youtu.be/5uaJ1XyRwrU

Ok this is about to be long so bear with me.

To begin with, why are we still gatekeeping? It's 2020. Queers should stick together instead of debating who's identity is "valid" or not. Let people be who they want to be.

Also, I don't know what your views on trans people are (think you've made videos with trans folk so I'm guessing you're not intentionally being transphobic), but the preferred pronoun law is actually meant to PROTECT trans people. Which is fucking needed. In 2020 alone there have been at least 36 people killed in the US for being trans. There are probably a lot more, considering murdered trans people often get misgendered by the cops and the statistics don't include them. World wide, more than 3000 trans folk have been murdered for being trans in the last 11 years. And again, there's surely a lot more we don't know about.

The preferred pronoun law that you mock is life saving. It keeps trans people from being outed where it would be dangerous to be outed. Most trans people are killed by someone they know. Yes, the law is there to provide an encitement to use trans folk's correct pronouns because it can induce extreme dysphoria to be misgendered, but more importantly, it's there so a trans person's coworker or boss is less likely to mis-gender them and out them.

And the part where you said you can get a fine for misgendering when you make an honest mistake; no, you can't. At least, that's not what the law is for. The law is for repeated misgendering, demanding license or medical proof that you are biologically the gender you identify as, etc.

As you may have already guessed by my passion for this topic, I am myself trans. Non-binary, to be precise.

Now, I know that we as humans love to label things. I love to label things. I love labeling myself! I like knowing other people's labels! When someone identifies as merely "queer", I get this itchy feeling of: "yeah, but what ARE you?"

I get wanting to label things. What I do NOT get is aggresively stating that someone's identity is invalid. Identifying as simply "queer" is fine! If that's what you resonate with, go for it! Does it irk me that I don't know what that means exactly for you? Yes. Does my inherent need to categorise people start shouting for attention? Absolutely. But it's their identity, and that's cool! It is really none of my business, as long as I know what pronouns to use.

Now, I understand the confusion and anger around this. Before I came out as or even knew I was non-binary, I identified as a lesbian. Love being a lesbian! It's great! I really identified with that term, and I still do.

But then I realised I was trans, and thought hey, I'm not a woman, can I still label myself as a lesbian? Should I just say I identify as "attracted to women"? Say I'm gynosexual and confuse everyone including myself?

I went with just calling myself a lesbian, because that is the term I've used about myself for years. When you said that this word is very important to some people, you were right. Where you were wrong, however, was when you implied that it isn't hugely important to us, too.

Because here's the thing: gender and sex are not the same thing, and more importantly, gender and what pronouns you prefer are not always directly correlated. I know this might confuse you. That's totally fine! I'm confused about everything almost all the time, I feel you! But it is how many trans people feel. I get this tingly awesome feeling when someone refers to me as he/him, because I want to be percieved as masculine. I don't feel like a man, but I want to be seen as masculine or androgynous. I use they/them pronouns, because it's easier than explaining that sometimes I want to be called him, but sometimes not, and basically explain my entire gender to someone.

I understand this feels threatening. It feels like someone is taking away your identity that means so much to you, and that you might have endured a lot of hardship for having.

But remember, us trans people have gone through shit, too. I don't mean to in any way compare the two struggles. I don't want to sit here and say "we have it worse", because really, it doesn't really matter. What matters is this: I get misgendered every day. When you're a binary trans, you can pass for being cis and automatically be called what you want. That will never happen for me. Unless someone asks me my pronouns (which is the best, try it), they are going to assume I'm a female. And I don't blame them! I see boobs, I think girl, too.

Now, imagine you have struggled with figuring out yourself for a long time, and you finally, finally find what you are. What you identify with. And then someone says that you can't identify as that, because you don't fit the mould. News flash, I never fit the mould anywhere, ever! The one place I have always felt safe and happy is within the queer community. And that's why gatekeeping fucks me up so much. Because people like me, who have been the weirdo all their life, hating their body and not knowing why, being confused and scared, not daring to come out, not wanting to draw attention to myself, finally find a place to belong. And then you get shut down. It feels awful.

Explaining that gender and pronouns don't have a direct correlation is hard. Because you can't really explain it. It's just a statement. Like: gender and sex aren't the same thing, but even harder, since it's based on experiences and not the fact that is: trans people excist.

Now, I know that this might have been focused more on cis women who use the pronouns he/him. And yes, like you said, pronouns do indeed give a big indication on what gender identity someone has. But it doesn't HAVE to. They might have a weird or bad relationship with their femininity for various reasons, or they might just feel like a woman but not identify with the female pronouns.

For example, I have a gender I know what my feels like. But I can't explain it for the life of me. Try explaining your gender in detail! It's a lot harder than you think, and it gets even harder to explain when the words aren't even invented.

A he/him lesbian is not a man trying to make fun of your identity, I promise. It's someone who either doesn't have any other word to use (like me), feels a strong connection to the word and associated identity (also me), or a woman who doesn't want to be labeled as she/her for various reasons, but who is attracted to other women. We are not here to shit on your identity! Please don't shi on ours!

I know that probably no one will read this absolute monster of a comment, and that's ok. I got so upset I actually teared up a little bit, so I felt like I had to express myself or I would be thinking about it indefinitely.

Please, if anyone's reading: be respectful. Understand that understanding others is hella difficult, but we have to try, and that both gender and sexuality is very fluid and complicated.

I tried to be as respectful as possible, please have the same courtesy if you intend to commt on my comment, so to speak.

Sad but hopeful lesbian signing off!

[gilmesc1]

Sacrificing my remaining braincells to the void

Ok friends, you requested it, you awaited it, I’ve cleaned out my ears to remove the melted remains of my brain, here we go, we’re doing this, tell my partner I love them. It’s time...for syscourse analysis.

So this is a very bare bones run through of syscourse, it’s as basic as it gets and if need be I’ll focus on components of it after I recover.

So, syscourse is literally the words system+discourse. Bet you guys never saw that coming. 20 seconds into this fucking mess and we already have a major plot twist. And I know what you guys are thinking. A bunch of traumatized people not getting along? Another plot twist!

Jesus I better tone down the sarcasm.

Anyways, what the fuck even has to happen to have syscourse, apparently two types of systems. Yes friends, two types of systems, and I’m not talking DID and OSDD (which are really quite similar).

Our players are traumagenic systems and endogenic systems. Traumagenic systems are systems that formed out of trauma, like DID and OSDD systems. Naturally this plunks me down in the traumagenic catagory, thanks to my big fucking mess of trauma. So we got that down, moving on to endogenic.

So an endogenic system is a system that supposedly split without trauma. No idea where the word endo comes from. Or like, what the fuck endo even means as a word like trauma. (Maybe I want to endo myself after reading a bunch of syscourse? Ok, ok that was bad.)

The biggest issue once you get down to it is who is the Real System tm, and do other systems belong in each other’s tags. This is the part where I’d smoothly bring you all to a good starting point, but *insert deity here* help me, there isn’t one.

Syscourse seems to be older than mankind itself mongrels, because I cannot find where it started and who the tags belonged to first. So for those of you who like to visualize, picture two dogs chasing each other’s tails, running in a circle, and that is syscourse.

So let’s break it down more. I, and I’m sure many others, flocked to tumblr to find others who experience what I do, that being traumagenic system stuff. Again, we have trauma that results in our system’s creation. And that’s all fine and good, sure not everyone gets along with each other but for the most part all us systems are vibing and sharing memes and posts.

Now like I said, to be an endogenic system you are a system without trauma, and to me this is a little confusing. Brains aren’t made to be multiple and I’m the clusterfuck I am because of trauma, but to just magically thanos snap a system into existence? That I have a harder time wrapping my mind around.

There are a lot of examples of endo systems, but the ones I’ll be looking at today are tulpas. What is a tulpa? Well at first I thought it was a ghost thingy that you get by thinking about it, (supernatural anyone?) but now that I look into it, it’s apparently a Tibetan religious practice.

So we have science vs spirituality. This spells disaster already for syscourse.

So to get a better idea of tulpas than I could give you, I’d recommend looking at tumblr posts on tulpas because I’m in sarcasm mode and not really in a position to educate about those. Long story short it’s a thought process where you can essentially create a second being that is similar to an alter, as it exists in a headspace and can switch in.

Now I said headspace and switch in on purpose, because that is where the issue lies. Endos and traumagenics fight about words like that, and who they belonged to first. Can an endo use the words system, fronting, ect when they are scientific words specifically for DID or OSDD, or can traumagenics use the word multiplicity when it supposedly came from tulpamancy?

Side note: Guys do not lecture me on words, I’m trying to give examples, sorry but I don’t have my words for traumagenics dictionary on me rn, that’s in my other hoodie.

The majority of day to day syscourse is endos and traumagenics “infiltrating” each other’s tags and safe spaces, and ruining everyone’s day. From what I have seen, many traumagenics do not want endos to interact with them, and personally I see a few good reasons for this.

1, mental illness is not a trend and DID and OSDD are very very rough to live with. With there currently being a lack of scientific evidence on the existence of tulpas, I understand how it can seem that some are cashing in on the “DID hype” and giving off this romanticized view of being a system.

2. People with DID might be looking for specific DID info, and having to strain through irrelevant topics to them might be heavily stressful.

3. We’re traumatized and random things can set us off. This is the internet and I think everyone is at least a little toxic, and both sides have said shit to each other, but when people get triggered its easy to lose control. Not an excuse, tis merely a fact.

I’ve seen endos post things like “all systems are valid” and it’s a nice sentiment, in my heart of hearts behind my black toxic drama loving one, I’d like it if systems could just get along, but on a topic as complex as mental illness I don’t think that’ll happen.

I’ve seen both sides say things that were really uncalled for, and there’s no right or wrong answer overall in a fight like this. Naturally I’m team traumagenic but as for whether or not I feel like endos are valid or not, jury’s still out on that.

Hear me out, I have heard the theory that endo systems can help deal with trauma despite not being formed by trauma, and I’ve met a few people irl and seen things that confused me. Maybe they were traumagenic systems who didn’t know their trauma, idk.

I really don’t want drama. I’m sure systems on both sides are good people but like I said, the internet is toxic. (btw I love you mutuals, you are all good people)

In my humble opinion syscourse is stupid. I think there definitely should be a discussion about endos and traumagenics, but like can we talk like adults and not be like “WE’RE ALL VALID UWUUUU” with a string of toxicity behind it.

That level of back and forth is dizzying and irritating, and quite honestly I don’t want to deal with it. This is me trying to be neutral and give an overview, but that’s hard as I am traumagenic myself, and I don’t really understand the other side.

That’s why I’m not going to say I reject endos. I need to figure out more for myself and since this does leak into my personal life i want to do it carefully. I’m open to polite discussions, but I really want to keep out of syscourse drama.

Another side note: Something I think that is especially stupid is the amount of outrage over users saying they dni with endos. It’s a choice for that person and it should be respected. Like how I have personal reasons for keeping discussion open, others have personal reason for closing it. That should be respected and not ranted about. There are thousands of tumblrs, find one that isn’t dni and leave those people alone.

Additionally, if any endos do want to talk I’d prefer if you dm me, as I want to keep my blog traumagenic focused, both for my followers and for me, out of respect for those who don’t want any endogenic content and for me so i don’t wear out my three brain cells (I’m accepting name ideas for them)

To end this, I don’t want drama, nothing makes it easier for me to cave to my vices then drama, and syscourse is so freaking tiring that it would be like rolling around like sandpaper to get involved.

So there it is, my useless, sarcastic post on syscourse. Let’s see how many followers I lose, and if need be I can look into more stuff about syscourse since this is an overview.

Again this was supposed to be neutral and not necessarily all of my views, I’ll get more personal on it later maybe, but tbh I’m too fucking tired for that rn. Chronic illness, hell yeah.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed, I’m impressed I wrote it all, have a good day guys, I have to go to a party while feeling like my body is leading a rebellion.

I don’t even like people, why am I going XD

But hey shout out to social distancing, I’m using my personal space bubble and NO ONE can stop me.

Ok, time to give the braincells a rest. See you guys

[fantranslatorbychoice]

Kakuriyo no Yadomeshi Volume 6 Intermission 2 - Akatsuki, and a Letter from Utsushiyo

T/N: Heck yeah it's time for the two spider siblings to shine lol we haven't heard from Suzuran for a while now, well, spoiler alert she has left Kakuriyo and hasn't appeared yet since Volume 1 ended, or in the anime when she chose to live on someone's grave. *cough, Shirou, cough* Well, I guess that’s just that. I hope you enjoy reading this short one.

Also if you like this translation, you can heart it, share the link, reblog, I just respectfully ask that DO NOT REPOST ELSEWHERE. This is my contribution to the scant English content of this fandom, and I worked really hard to finish this thing, it’s not like I just copy-pasted everything. I even had to build the kanji in Jisho one by one. Try it and you’ll see what I mean.You can rave about this, rant about this, but if possible please link back to this page. If you’re unsure how to do that, just copy the web address of this page. If you’re on a blogsite just insert the web address as a hyperlink as a link back to here. Honestly if this light novel was officially-published in English, I wouldn’t even be doing this right now... And if it did, I’d take this offline to support the publishers and Yuuma-sensei. Creators support creators, is what I believe in. As previously-mentioned in earlier chapters, if you stumbled upon this one, the two seasons of the anime covered volumes 1-5, so other than the extra details, you didn’t miss much stuff.

OK Here we go-- P148 "Thank you for coming to Tenjin-ya, we look forward to seeing you again." I am an earth spider, a Tsuchigumo named Akatsuki. I am Tenjin-ya's head receptionist. The waitresses and the Gesokuban** has sent off the final guest for today with a smile, and my work as the head receptionist has ended. The moment that the last guest gets sent off, I always breathe a sigh of relief. The front desk's work ended before evening, and the day before the entire inn is closed on a break, we all soak in the feeling of liberation. The young Ogre bellboys were shouting "It's rest day! It's rest day!" and were running around the front desk. The Bake-Tanuki Gesokuban Chiaki-san gathered the ogre bellboys together and assembled in the lobby, and called them one by one in sequential order. Many of the ogre children were orphans, and not only does Tenjin-ya go beyond in providing them work, but also the day before the inn closes for a break, apart from their salaries they also receive a bit of pocket money, and the very first in the line gets freed off from work. "Alright you lot, return to your dormitories like adults, so you won't cause any trouble during work." "OK-- Gesokubanchou**-sama!" As the ogre kids were lining up one by one, Chiaki-san encouraged them to return to their dormitories quietly. "If you run your pocket money gets forfeited. Oh, and greet the head receptionist too." T/N: Gesokuban= doornan, in charge of the guests' footwear. Sorta like bellboys too. Gesokubanchou=head of the doormen P149 "OK--. Goodbye, Bantou-sama!" "Ohhhh..." It's impossible for me to take care of those brats... It must be difficult to be in charge of the footwear. It's better to be a receptionist. "Whew, it's finally over. Ah, Akatsuki, after this, won't  you come with me to Gintengai to have some drinks?" After sending off the ogre children back to their dorms, Chiaki-san called up. He always has this soft smile and voice with a subservient attitude, but he is my sempai as he started a bit earlier than me in working for Tenjin-ya. Among the management staff he is the most recent to join, and considerably has a lot of assigned duties and tasks. "Oh, but tonight you're also going to Aoi-san's place to have dinner, don't you?" "No. Apparently today only the girls got together, they seemed to be having a weird meeting or something." "That's also what Kasuga said. She says that Aoi-san is very friendly to everyone in Tenjin-ya. Ah, Waka-danna sama, are you free tonight? If it's fine with you, would you like to go out and have a drink with me?" "Oh, that sounds nice, Chiaki." Chiaki-san also called up Waka-danna sama. It's weird that he's up for it. Chiaki-san, he seems to have an air of softness and limpness that I don't have, and sometimes I don't think he's appropriate for the reception desk. But the person in question is, among the management staff is said to be the number one outlier with having the position of Gesokubanchou, as he said previously that he likes his job. T/N: Bantou=head receptionist P150 "Ah, uhm... Akatsuki-sama, Chiaki-sama, Ginji-sama.." "Do you have any plans for tomorrow?" "If it's fine with you, would you want to go out and have fun with us?" There were three waitresses, they seem to choose at their own discretion when to talk to us. Lately, I have been invited to go out a lot. But for me, I want to get some rest on a rest day. "That sounds nice. But tomorrow I'm called to go back home to my parents' house. I hope you can invite me next time." Chiaki-san rubbed the back of his head, he seemed to be used to it by now and was resolute. Waka-danna sama seemed to be puzzled by the invitation, and flatly refused by saying "I too, have other scheduled appointments." I just decided and told them "That's a no-go" because it's too much of a hassle. "Oh, I see..." It's easy to understand that the waitresses got disappointed as their shoulders went down. "If that's so, then are you free the next time the inn closes for a break?" "Uhm...." The waitresses weren't discouraged. Why did Chiaki-san and Waka-danna sama looked at me over here? At most, you're always free and going out during resting days, it seems. Are you pranking the kouhai? "Hey, wait a minute you lot. Tomorrow the famous Kabuki lead actor named Yukinojou from Youto is coming to the Kabuki Troupe in Kimon**. T/N: Apparently this is what 鬼門 reads so I apologize if I wrote it as Onimon before, I was too much of a dumbass to correct everything oh well at least I learned it before finishing this volume lol P151 You're going out with those guys? You'll just keep screeching and screaming out." Suddenly, O-ryo appeared behind us. The waitresses seemed to lap up what O-ryo brought about, and went "Really?--" "You're kidding, is that true O-ryo?" "I have to check the bulletin board!" "Yukinojou-sama--!" Just a while ago they were disheartened and now they went off somewhere. The girls' high-pitched voices were ringing out, and they didn't even look back as they left us. "As expected of you, O-ryo san. You saved us." Waka-danna sama gratefully spoke to O-ryo, but she just raised an eyebrow and laughed at us. "You three, you were targetted by the waitresses. Among the management staff, you had the lowest difficulty levels. You got cornered, weren't you?" "Is that praise or is that disdain?" "Akatsuki, I saved you, you could at least thank me for it." O-ryo pointed her finger at me, and forced me to say thank you to her. She's surely shameless, an impatient and distasteful woman. P152 "O-ryo sama!" It's the Bake-Tanuki waitress, Kasuga has come and pulled the bottom of O-ryo's kimono. "Let's go now to Yugao. Aoi-chan's waiting." "OK, OK. Those group of single guys seem to be going out for drinks, but aren't we going to a glitzy girls' night-out? Awww, what a pity, you can't go with us--, you have no means to--" "O-ryo sama. They're also having that in secret. It's the same level as ours." As expected of Kasuga to point that out. She's merely a waitress, but her wit and cleverness is effective, and she is a hard-working Tanuki girl. I also unintentionally asked her to do errands and what not here and there. "Ah..." Kasuga turned her head towards us again, but stopped whatever she was about to say.. No, not really, but when she looked at us, it seemed that she looked at Chiaki-san who was beside us. Chiaki-san didn't seem to move a bit, but he just lazily smiled.

Inside Gintengai, the riverside were lined up with food carts, and it was the busiest corner. It was the place were middle-aged men gathered after work before returning home. The fowl grilling place had three open seats, and we each ordered our favorite liquor and had them heated and poured for us**. "Ahh, it's nice to have some barbecued fowl every now and then in these food carts." T/N: Yeah I know it's weird but sake or rice liquor is actually drunk either warmed up or at room temperature, I don't know why though, maybe to help the alcohol evaporate IDK because normally beers and wines are chilled then served, but hey, it is what it is lol. Also I just translated the fowl, or poultry from the generic term 鳥=tori because it can range from chicken to duck to turkey to exotic birds like guinea fowls and peahens. Like the offal hot pot, we can only guess what they were grilling here. I'd call duck and chicken lol P153 "Yeah, I agree. Waka-danna sama, whenever you're free you always go to Yugao, don't you? Every now and then let's get together, please?" "Yes, well, I'm here now, am I?" After seeing that the Waka-danna sama seems to be in good spirits, Chiaki-san requested to the Oyaji** "Ah, I'll have the chicken wings and scallion skewers. Everything plain salted." "I'll... Have the gizzards with scallions, plain salted, as well as some liver with dipping sauce, please." "I'll have the parson's nose** and some chicken meatloaf, with the skin. With dipping sauce." While the liquor bottles were being heated, we had a chat. The barbecued chicken that they were cooking soon gave off a delicious smell. "To be honest, it was a good thing that Waka-danna sama has returned to Tenjin-ya. During the time that Waka-danna sama was away, Tenjin-ya was in trouble. Akatsuki, somehow everyday acts like a little girlfriend running around saying 'We need you Waka-danna sama, please come hooome--'. That image has been burned inside my head." "What?" "Wait, Chiaki-san!" Well, the Waka-danna sama's usual workload isn't run of the mill, it's like it left a void. However suprised the Waka-danna sama looked, his blank face looked at mine. "Uhm.. That is..Somehow, the front desk's work is sustained by the Waka-danna sama, and I happened to experience that personally." T/N: Oyaji=usually the dude who owns the establishment, they normally cook and grill and stuff. Their waifus handle the cashiers. Also srsly these dudes know their fowl well, especially Akatsuki. I mean, chicken butt/parson's nose is full of that fatty cholesterol-filled goodness, as well as the skin wahhh now I want some of these too T__T P154 I was muttering my embarassing thoughts as my greasy sweat overflowed. That busy time has been pardoned already... speaking of, when the grilled skewers were done, I ate them hungrily. Ah, even the cartilage tastes good. "Akatsuki... It's unfortunate to have experienced those troubles, wasn't it?" "Ehrmm.. yeah." Waka-danna sama seemed to have gotten quiet, and I was so embarassed I couldn't say anything. I drank the sake bit by bit. "Well, anyways.. Waka-danna sama is awesome though. It's because while planning activities and managing Tenjin-ya, you were also said to be assigned to the internal affairs of Kimon. You were also looking after anything that troubles the Odanna-sama's fiancee. If it was me I couldn't handle it. I already find it hard just taking care of the ogre kids." While Chiaki-san was talking, the topic shifted to Aoi. "Ah, ahahaha. I wasn't looking after Aoi-san, I just let her do what she wanted, I think that's the right thing to do.. And because Aoi-san is a dependable person, it came to the extent that she helped me. Even now, with the souvenir products that Tenjin-ya asked Dr. Saraku to make, she's still doing her best to help with it, it seems... She's really awesome." Waka-danna seemed to have remembered something, and silently laughed, before ordering another bottle of sake. That guy, isn't he a bit harsh... P155 "I don't normally work with Aoi-san so I don't understand but, she's somewhat special, that granddaughter of Shirou's." "Yes, that is, Aoi-san is an amazing person. Aoi-san's cooking. Say Akatsuki. Somehow in the beginning Akatsuki was harsh with Aoi-san, but now you're part of the Yugao gang, aren't you?" "Eh? No, uhm...." "Oh, you're pausing with your words, you're hesitating. You weren't objecting that time, Akatsuki.." "..." Someday, when you make fun of me again, I'll be prepared. But, I need to think how can I deal with this now... When these guys bring up that topic again after a while, I'll change to make quick and sleek comebacks. "Certainly I go eat Aoi's cooking since it's a great way to end the working day, but compared to me, O-ryo goes there to a greater extent, doesn't she? To think that she tried killing Aoi before!" "Ah, ahaha. For sure, O-ryo san has now become less snappy and harsh... She goes to Yugao and pesters Aoi-san a lot. After that Kasuga-san also goes a lot to Yugao too." After that, instantly, it seems that Waka-danna sama remembered a lot of things about O-ryo and Kasuga. "Speaking of Kasuga-san, until now she still calls O-ryo as O-ryo sama? Even though she has already lost the position of Waka-Okami she still calls her as such." P156 "It's because Kasuga likes O-ryo. It's because ever since Kasuga started working in Tenjin-ya, she always bothered O-ryo san to look after her because she doesn't know anything." "Really, is that so? Isn't Kasuga-san and Chiaki relatives?" "Uhm, yes, yes we are..." Good, the topic has changed smoothly. Being tipsy, Waka-danna sama and Chiaki-san started talking about Kasuga and O-ryo. I was relieved, and added an order of thighs and chicken meatloaf from Oyaji. I really love meatloaf... "Oh, right, Chiaki-san, aren't you about to say something about that Kasuga?" When I asked him about it, Chiaki-san's face got all stiff for a moment. It was weird, for that person to have that face. But immediately after that, his usual sloppy face went back. "Ah, it's probably due to tomorrow's stuff." "Tomorrow?" "Tomorrow, we have to go back home. Also, it's something important." Oh, it's true, because they were going back home, he didn't lie to the girls when he was invited. But it's weird how he said it. Could it be that he doesn't want to go back home? P157 "Isn't Waka-danna sama going back to Orio-ya?" "What, why?" "But that's what going home means, right? When you don't have a village to go back to. Don't you have an older brother?" Waka-danna sama only waved his hands in front of him, with regards to Chiaki-san's unsophisticated question.

“No, no, that, uhm.. Right now it's a bother to go home. Right, Akatsuki?" "Why is the conversation swayed to me?" When it comes to a home, I have no such place. I have been born and raised in Utsushiyo, my only living relative is in there right now, my younger sister... "That much- How is my nose stupid?" In an instant, the drunk and wasted middle-aged Tengu nearby started making a racket, and he hit me with a hot sake bottle by mistake. "..." What the heck is this? As I was staring fixatedly, I got lost in time. While looking at the Tengu who got caught in the moment, my former boss Hatori-san, the current head receptionist of our rival inn, and previously when the Tengus became violent in the front desk I recalled the memories, and I got angry. I wanted to tear out all of the feathers of the middle-aged Tengu, but Waka-danna sama and Chiaki-san P158 pacified me "Woah, woah there, Akatsuki", and nevertheless I peacefully settled down. I went back to drinking in desperation. When the other sempai noticed it they just start talking. It’s mainly due to Hatori-san. A lot of things happened, and the night grew late.

"Tch, I drank too much. Waka-danna sama is too tough..." Upon returning to the males' dorms, while my drunk head was spinning around, I entered the men's baths. I splashed on water to wash off the liquor smell, then opened the sliding doors to my room and burst inside, and collapsed on the futon that I kept lying around. My room is at the top floor of the males' dorms. As the head receptionist I was given my own flat, and I wasn't roommates with anyone. Ah, the cool breeze feels great. I went and opened the veranda's door, and I looked at Kakuriyo's faintly darkened evening sky. "Hoo-hoo. It's the hoot of the underworld's night owl." "Hmm.. what?" From the veranda a single owl feather flew inside, and somehow plopped down, and I went inside the room again. "What is this.. A letter for me?" It was a momiji-patterned stationery. I haven't received a letter for a long time. P159 A red stamp was attached, this was exclusively used by the underworld's postal service that goes between Utsushiyo and Kakuriyo. The sender is... "Suzuran" In one breath, I got sobered up. This was my younger sister, Suzuran's letter. I stood up and pulled out a pair of scissors, and cut the seal.

"Akatsuki-niisan, it has been a long time. Are you busy everyday? I'm worried about niisan, don't work too hard and neglect taking care of your health. Are you eating nutritious food? Are you sleeping enough?"

What the, her opening was only about her worries. Don't worry Suzuran, about your brother. That detestable Shirou's granddaughter's food, I eat those everyday and get healthier. It's full of nutrients as well as delicious. I'm not miserable.

"Akatsuki-niisan may be blunt and crude, but he's really very sweet, are you on good terms with Aoi-san right now? Did I guess that right?" P160 "What the heck." That woman Suzuran. I don't understand why she's on good terms with Aoi, but for sure, she's saying nice things about her because they bonded during the time she stayed here. My sister by blood, she forsees just about everything.

"While I was taking care of Shirou-san's tombstone, I was also looking after the businesses of the people in Utsushiyo. When the Ayakashi living here come and wreck Shirou-san's tombstone, I grow into a larger body, you know? Everybody flees, when they see my Jorougumo** form."

"Oh, goodness, so that's it..." Even I was, when she powerfully threw me out of Tenjin-ya, her powers were quite strong...

"I love niisan, who works his best as a receptionist at Tenjin-ya. But please, don't be too excessive. Take some time to rest. Because niisan dislikes taking a break. You also dislike having fun with girls every now and then."

"Stop it. Leave me alone." T/N: So while Akatsuki is a spider demon- a tsuchigumo=土蜘蛛 that burrows underground like a tarantula, his sister Suzuran is an orb weaver spider demon, a jorougumo=女郎蜘蛛 that hangs on trees. No wonder Akatsuki's mini-form looks so pudgy and cute gwahahaha especially the cute skull on his abdomen. Try searching for that image, when Suzuran beat the crap out of him and he got weak AF wahahaha poor bean P161 "Suzuran always thinks of niisan during the dawn**. Please take care."

After reading the letter, I suddenly laughed at my younger sister's noisy wordings. The letter you sent had composure, as such, from where you are, you're also in good health. While protecting the tombstone of Shirou, whom you love. "..." Instantly, from the edges I saw a reddish ray of light, and as I opened the sliding screen, I looked at the early morning sky. Oh, I get it... The wonderful early morning sky. She said dawn, as it was my name. "Today... That's it. I'll write back Suzuran a very casual letter." Since she has left Kakuriyo, I'll write up everything that has happened in here since then. Also, while by tired body already had its rest, it's fine to do my best at work again. T/N: Akatsuki's name is literally "daybreak", not like them Orochimaru peeps lol

End of Intermission 2, Volume 6. Previous - Chapter 4. Next - Chapter 5

References:

Wonderful site for the youkai references

Other stuff I used to do this: Kodansha Kanji Learner’s Dictionary (you can buy here, I’m not sponsored btw). I was about to buy the older edition but then the newer one came out 2013 so I bought that instead. Worth buying since I was able to find nearly all of the words I needed just by stroke pattern alone.

Merriam-Webster's Japanese-English Dictionary (the red-covered 1996 version is apparently out of print right now). This is what I have been using for a very long time, I bought it when I was still a fetus (yes I am old so what lol), and after so many years, when compared to newer editions, I still prefer this one since its entirety is Japanese-English, the English to Japanese gloss are just 16 pages tops, so you get more Japanese words for your buck. But that’s just my opinion, maybe other people prefer the Jap-En x En-Jap IDEK.

Basic online dictionary, Jisho. Knowledge of verb conjugations  and other words are necessary since not all have entries.

If you can read Japanese, you can buy the whole set in Amazon Japan, they’re shipping worldwide now, I think.

[maliciousbee]

hello hi i feel like i only come back to tumblr when life gets particularly shitty Which is fine and appropriate given the state of the place (and idk, the world?) So idk here’s a return to what this used to be. A place where once every now and then I shout into the void because I don’t keep a journal anymore and writing things down is good and apparently publishing them on the internet is better.  The gist of this is work is poo poo and it is very hard to be both grateful I still have a job (in my ~dream industry no less!) and in constant fantasies about quitting and doing literally anything else,. Plus i had a relationship end I am equally sad and angry about that and dealing better than i thought but still sob uncontrollably every other day (better than daily!).  BUT in the last couple of months I’ve also apparently become ‘established in the ffxiv modding community’. So that’s nice I’ve made enough $$$ to actually need to think about tax and stuff. so that’s cool and totally not a thing I’ve been using recently to distract me from the crippling  fear of being a lone forever.

work has been a general state of meh not the very bad not good times of 6 months ago when I wasn’t paid consistently for nearly 2 years. Now at least I get paid it’s just a lot of stress and not a lot of support from the company. i don’t know how to be an art director and having to do it pretty much alone is ~not good. The biggest and idk most not good thing that’s happened was a sudden and idk. not messy. Just. Unkind (in my eyes, anyway) break up that happened a few weeks ago. 

It feels weird that it wasn’t that long ago we were talking about getting married and then one day they decided that they didn’t want to deal with the uncertainty of having to make a long distance relationship work for the foreseeable future (australia has completely closed borders, they’d gone back to the uk just before everything started. no idea when we’d be able to actually see each other again). I get. Very angry that I had our relationship just ended without me getting any say in the matter. There was some warning, but I thought it was a ‘we can fix this if we work on it’ situation not them suddenly saying they don’t even want to do this anymore and we shouldn’t talk and that was that. It doesn’t help that on a very selfish level I’m even angrier that I’ve been left alone and they just (almost literally) went from ending a 3 year relationship to hanging out with their mates playing Among Us in the same afternoon. They didn’t even relies that maybe they’d hurt me until a week later when it got the better of me and I reached out to them to explain that what they did was perhaps unkind. And then that entire conversation was mostly about how they feel and me trying to comfort them still.  & when I say left alone I mean I live alone I work from home the only family i have contact with is 6+ hours away I’ve managed to loose contact with all my close friends over the years because of work and idk. drifting apart. literally the only people I speak are my co workers in the 5 minute stand up of a morning and my parents every other day. Maybe a postal worker because i totally haven’t replaced emotions with online shopping.  So I am Very alone and they’re not. And they live with their family  have contact with an extended family in the same city They hanging out with the friends in voice chat all day they go and hand out with mates and play games It’s petty and mostly jealousy that I get sad/angry that I’ve been left so completely alone and they just get to go on with their support network like nothing happened. It doesn’t help that the only other reason beyond not wanting to put the effort into making a LDR work any more was that I was “always unhappy” which given ~everything that’s happening I thought was maybe allowed and honestly I thought I’d been somewhat less always unhappy recently but apparently I was wrong And anyway, while I don’t like to keep scores and it is extremely petty to bring it up, the fact that I’d spent the last 2-3 years with them while they dealt with a major depressive episode and some life ~things And suddenly when they’re ‘better’ and ‘ready to move on with life’ I wasn’t idk useful anymore I guess? they didn’t need an emotional crutch, or second mother, or whatever I’d become anymore.  so i am  very sad and feel awful because part of me wants to keep in contact. can’t bring myself to close their discord dm. misses them ect. Would probably ~take them back~ if they asked  the other part of me would very much like to spend an hour telling them how awful they were was a partner and how upon reflection they were pretty shitty to me,  and  then never speaking to them again. 

[whatthefuuuuuuccckkkk]

Going ten hours without eating isn’t anorexia. If you want to save money, then that’s fine. Anorexia is when you abstain from eating with the intent to self harm. Similarly, eating less (or more) with a body composition goal in mind isn’t inherently disordered. There’s a lot of shitty rhetoric surrounding food out there. Honesty just make sure you’re getting enough to eat every day (between 1500 and 2000 calories depending on activity). It’s only disordered if you do it to hurt yourself.

I was just speaking in hyperbole, shouting into the void and shit. I usually end up eating my first meal after work which ends up being like...9pm lol. But I dont even wanna get into it. Thanks for the concern (I mean? I think this is concern? Maybe it's you correcting me bcz you took my post too seriously? Idk) but I'm good. Well I'm not good but I'm fine. All good. Normal.