#I need more teen Stan twins maybe better if Stan got fucked up

[muwur]

Since requests were open I was wondering if I could request father headcanons for iwai + ushi + atsumu 🥺 btw your writing is vv tasty n I can’t wait to see you write more !! Keep up the good work n stay safe !!

haikyuu daddee headcanons

✧ hc’s ✧ for iwaizumi, ushijima, and atsumu

❧ gn reader

✎ 1.4k words

a/n: omg u called my writing taSTY Dx i cri tySM 💞 that is a high compliment for me AHAHAHAH ILY and ty for the request! 

also my lovelies i m back i m sry i was gone so long feojfe i miss yall <3 here u go enjoi, this was fun to write lmk if yall want more characetrs AHAHA

current listen: accidentally in love by sHREK AAHAH jkjk i mean counting crows, they cant take that away from me by ella fitzgerald and louis armstrong, love the way you lie by eminem and rihanna

requests: open!

iwaizumi

✧ prePARED daddy

✧ picked up on this parenting thing p fast, also does a lot of research so he’s ready to face any situation

✧ teaches his kids how to behave n respect others

✧ also makes sure they know not to talk to strangers and teaches them some self defense

✧ be warned these kids are packing a surprise can of whOOP ASS,, dont fuck w them,, plus u wouldnt want buff daddee iwa on ur tail

✧ honestly his kids would be ANGELS ,,, n thats cuz he treats them all so w e l l

✧ mans is ATTENTIVE. he asks his kids about their days, their interests, and encourages discussion about their fEELINGS 🥺

✧ always offers them really valuable and light-hearted advice

✧ and gives them the love and transparency we all wanted but never had--

✧ however his kids are easily (n negatively) influenced esp when uncle oikawa comes to visit--

✧ but mostly bc iwa gets annoyed and slips out a lot of curse words and a “shittykawa” and then his kids started calling oikawa that and now it’s ingrained in them forever fjoefefgfvi (*distant phlattykawa crying noises*)

✧ gives them LOTS of head pats and ruffles as signs of affection

✧ PACKS THEIR SCHOOL LUNCHES and ensures they eat a balanced meal

✧ attends all their games/events,, will get a bit rowdy hype them up

✧ def lets his kids sleep with him when they’re having a bad night or woke up scared from a nightmare (and waits for them to fall asleep before going to sleep himself fojref)

✧ when they were babies he usually succeeded to get them to stop crying by pulling funny faces, showing them their favorite cartoons, or humming a lullaby

✧ when they get older,,, u bet iwa would be suPER protective esp when their kids start being iNtErEsTeD in other people

✧ you: “iwaizumi, they seem like a really nice kid, though”

✧ iwa: *sitting with you in the car, across the street from the ice cream parlor your child said they were at, and spying from the window* “you can’t trust everyone, of course they seem ‘nice,’ they just want our approval”

✧ definitely did not interrupt his child’s potential first kiss at their house’s doorstep by slamMINg the door open “sUDDENLY” cuz he “hEard TheIR vOicEs and THougHt TO lET them In”

✧ effectively traumatized both kids

✧ tho he felt bad after n u made him go apologize so he did (and he was forgiven, only if he agreed to never spy on them again--)

✧ doesn’t stop him from scrutinizing every person yalls kid introduces to you tho

✧ overall a super supportive dad, 11/10

ushijima

✧ ok dEF does not know much about parenting ,, at first

✧ stared at his child like ???nani when you both changed their first diaper

✧ also had plenty of staring contests with his babies ,,, called it bonding

✧ was curious and tasted baby food once,,, immediately regretted it

✧ once put a volleyball next to his child, who attempted to bite it, and took it as a sign that they liked it

✧ after sum time n practice, his mind becomes split between “how to volleyball” and “how to dad”

✧ catch him in the kitchen wearing an apron and whipping up his kids’ favorite smiley face pancakes 😤😤

✧ has an amazing ability to get his kids to stop crying, does really simple things like give them their favorite toy or place a gentle hand on their hand or attend to their needs (mans can tell if they want food or needa poop) and they calm down immediately

✧ carried them on his shoulders once and now they never stop asking him for shoulder rides (not that he minds anyway)

✧ if theres two kids he can probs carry one on each shoulder cuz cmon ,,, have u seen this man

✧ always goes to every performance/game/event his child takes part in

✧ man smiles so soft™ when he goes to the 1st grade play and sees his kid’s name in the program next to their role as “townsperson b” (next year, they upgraded to “singing carrot” in a play about the food pyramid)

✧ if his kid ends up enjoying volleyball, he will teach them e v e r y t h i n g they need to know

✧ but is overall super supportive of anything else his child pursues and doesn’t push anything onto them, would rather let them choose what they want to do

✧ had n o idea what to do when his kid asked him about the birds n the bees asfghkl

✧ couldnt sleep one night thinking about it and just randomly asks you while yall laying in bed in the dARk like “so our child asked me how babies are made and I told them they came from watermelon seeds” (you: 👁️👄👁️ “come again”)

✧ you: *at the grocery store with your child*

✧ child: *hands you watermelon* “I want a little brother!”

✧ you: “haha of course honey” 👁️👄👁️ what do i do (*later to ushijima* “duhfojhguf we needa get another baby i promised our child a younger brother fohurof” ; ushi: “wat” ; you: “itS YOUR FAULT”)

✧ yall eventually tell them not every watermelon can produce babies only really special ones that are really hard to get fhuoefkfotfi theyre not ready for the truth

✧ another great daddee, we stan

atsumu

✧ knew parenting was stressful esp with bABieS but was like eh it cant be that bad right

✧ think again

✧ g o o d b y e  s l e e p

✧ develops phat bags under his eyes, responds with a weak “aha im fine just that parenting life and the kids ykNOW” whenever his teammates ask if he’s oKAY

✧ tried to tempt his kids to eat their mush baby food by trying it himself, nearly gagged but was able to say “eughh yuMM”

✧ loves to lift them high up in the air, even throws them up a little and nearly drops them (yall almost died from feAR but babie was having so much fun,,, yall agreed to be just a bit more careful)

✧ rlly bad at getting them to stop crying, gets very stressed when he’s exhausted every option he can think of then calls you over for some help/advice (you: *immediately calms them down* ; ratsumu: “how--”)

✧ calls up osamu a lot to ask him how to make food ,, then simps whenever his twin brother comes over and the kids are in love with this man and his cooking (”dad why cant you make stuff as yummy as this”)

✧ very affectionate with his kids, gives them lots of hugs and kisses on the forehead

✧ plays with them a lot! whether it’s sports, just dance, animal crossing, or UNO, yOU NAME IT WE PLAY IT

✧ also has no mercy when playing competitive video or board games,, has made them cry more than once LOL

✧ so sometimes he toned it down n let them win,, until his kids actually got better and DEMOLISH him every time

✧ is cool with his kids cursing, just as long as they don’t do it in front of their teachers LMAO

✧ plays innocent when he gets a call from school saying his kid was using ‘inappropriate language’ and is like “whaaat? my child? im not even sure where they learned that, maybe check if the other kids in class are saying those things, too--”

✧ reminisces how much nicer his kids were to him when they were younger and all the time they spent together,,, bc now that they reached their tEeNS they want alone time

✧ wants to be B) cool dad so he tries kinda hard, esp in front of their friends but his kid’s just like dad pls dofjrgjigtgro

✧ also very supportive of whatever his kids want to pursue and dedicates time to help them in whatever ways he can (whether that be to help them practice, make sure he can provide transportation, get them supplies, etc)

✧ always playfully competing with you to see who’s the “better” parent (you win by default)

✧ PROTECTIVE dad and will easily intimidate ANYONE who crosses his kids

✧ takes sum adjustment and mental resilience but daddee atsumu perseveres  😤 absolutely loves his kids and would do anything for them  

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

❛ FAMILY ❜

Headcanon.

with Neron ‘Creeper’ Vargas.

Request: Oooh yes yes yeah 😁 I show u take request 🙈 I would read something with Creeper dates a girl who already have 4/5 sons of a precedent relation. Maybe about how he create relationshion with their ? Like one love bike, another by playing football ? An the older is septic but one day he understand have Creeper for stepfather is having all Mayans for family. Sorry if it's sound to specific.

BY ANON

Warnings: none.

Word count: about 1.3k

Aurora says: this writing hasn't been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I'm sorry about that!

Gif credits: to the author, I found it on Google.

Masterlist.

Creeper couldn't believe you were alone in charge of three kids, when you moved onto his neighborhood. And he knew you didn't have a husband around because he had never seen him.

The problem was when he realized he was in love with you, with your scent, with the sweet tone of your voice and with that smile which could stop a war.

“Wait, wait! Lemme help you, mama!”

You hear a voice behind you, making you turn around from the trunk of your car full of bags. A man covered with tattoos and a helmet hanging from his forearm, is walking towards you.

“Oh, no, no. Don't worry. It's okay”. You mutter somewhat ashamed with a fleeting smirk on your lips.

“Nah, ain't nothing better to do”. He just shrugs his shoulders, grabbing three bags in every hand and greatly surprising you of his strength.

“Than—Thank you…” You just say, taking the three left, before closing your car.

Walking in silence straight to the porch, you open the door with some difficulties making you both laugh until it finally opens. Following you to the kitchen, he leaves the groceries over the counter, having one quick look but without wanting to look like a creepy stalker.

“I'm (Y/N), by the way”. You say then, raising a hand at him hoping it's enough for a formal greeting.

“Neron”. The man answers, narrowing it softly, a little bewitched by your touch.

“Can I… maybe offer you a coffee or something…?”

Whenever you two were free of responsibilities, you used to sit on your porch to share some drinks and talk about work, or about your lives in general. And only when he knew that it could be something serious, he just talked to you about what he really does, one bit at time.

After some months, more or less, hanging out, you two decided to introduce him to your girls. Two twins of six years old and a pre-teen of fourteen. You were aware that he wouldn't have any problem with Lia and Marta. But Carlota was another history.

Since Creeper has sat at the table, after helping you to settle the table, you can see the younger whispering and chuckling with that kind of gesture that they use when they want to ask something, but they're too ashamed. Narrowing your eyes, as the man does, you look at them.

“C'mon, girls, spit it out”. You say with a funny smile on your lips.

“Can we color your drawings one day?” Marta and Lia ask in unison, pointing at his bare arms.

You can't help but laugh rubbing your faces.

“Sounds like a cool plan”. Creeper nods pretty convinced.

“Fuck this shit”. From her silence, Carlota drags backwards her chair, getting up to step out of the living room.

“Hey, mama”. Neron says grabbing your left wrist, when you're about to follow her. “It's okay. Give her time”.

“I can't let her behave like that”. You grunt sitting down.

“She is fourteen, baby. We both know what her father did. And probably she thinks I want to replace him, but it's not. She will see it, okay?”

The months kept passing by, taking the next step when you decided to live together. At this point he has already introduced you to his brothers, being more kindly than you thought. At least, they didn't thought that Neron was fucking out of his mind, for getting related with a woman with three kids.

Lia and Marta were delighted having him at home, playing with them whenever he had five minutes, or cooking pancakes on Sundays. And of course, letting your girls color all his tattoos.

Carlota, by the other hand, started to be hard-nose. Always locking herself in her dorm when she was at home. And it was breaking your heart, trying to talk with her about what was bothering her, even if you already knew. But the worst part was when the principal of his highschool called you to tell you about a fight that involucred your daughter with another three girls.

“Hey, mama, I got this, okay?”

What you didn't know is that Neron was already conscious about what was happening. So he was to take care of that business.

Your daughter was sitting on a bench in the peak time of finishing classes, crying unconsolable with her hands covering her burning face. She wasn't expecting the loud buzz coming closer, raising her blurry gaze to the road. Nine motorbikes made their appearance, getting parked backwards next to the sidewalks. The whole student body with their parents and some teachers turned at them, mostly whispering about how good those nine men looked. Taking off their helmets, Neron's brothers waited for him, having some cigs, while he started to walk towards your surprised daughter.

As soon as he was able to kneel close to her, he knew by just one look who were the other girls. He didn't say anything, standing up to lead his steps to the three families with their eyes fixed on the man.

“I know that your daughters are teasing my kid about me, about my club and about what we do. So, lemme tell you something, as parents you are, the only thing you want is the happiness of them. Keep it in mind. Because next time my kid comes back home crying, I will not be this… polite”.

The girls were trembling, hiding behind their parents who were terrified too because of his words. Showing them a fake smile, Neron turned around to your daughter to make her a sign.

“I want you to say ‘sorry’ to her, and promise that you will never gonna fuck her up again”.

“Sir, yo—”.

“Shut the fuck up, man. I'm talking to your ill-bred kids”.

“We… We're so—sorry, Carlota”.

Your daughter looked at him, clinging to his arm, pouting a little and pulling him back.

“Good. Never forget to be kind”.

That night, Carlota didn't stop talking about how scared everyone was because of Creeper, totally freaking out too about when he appeared with his brothers in such cool motorbikes.

It was almost two am when your boyfriend came from the clubhouse, a little tired and needed for a cold beer. Taking off his boots at the entrance, to not be noisy, he walks straight to the kitchen to grab one from the fridge. Opening it with not much difficulty, he has a sip turning to the island in the middle of the kitchen.

“Jesus fucking christ, Carlota…” He whispers with his heart racing. “What you doin'ere?”

“I couldn't sleep”. She just says, having another spoon of ice cream.

“At least, turn on the lights… You're gonna gimme a heart attack, kid”.

She laughs low, shaking her head, before getting up from the stool. Walking towards him without saying a single word, your daughter hugs Creeper wrapping his waist with both arms.

“Thank you for today”. She mutters resting her cheek on his chest.

Your boyfriend doubts for a second, not knowing if it's real or an illusion, but it feels so good that he could help her somehow. Hugging her back, the man kisses her head, smiling like a fool. Being happy to see that she's finally accepting him in her family.

“Listen, Carlota…” He says then, pulling himself away to leave the beer over the counter. “I don't wanna replace anyone, okay? We don't have to play this dad and daughter game. I wanna be your friend, I want you to trust me and talk to me about your problems, if you have some, okay?”

“Okay”. She just says. “I'm sorry if I hurt you ever”.

“Nah, it's okay, kid. I just want you to be happy”.

“I am, Creep'”.

✨ Tag list:

@starrynite7114 ​ @chibsytelford ​ @dazzledamazon ​ @mara-mpou ​ @sammskellington ​ @gemini0410 ​ @1-800-imagines ​ @briana-mishell24 ​@sassymox @aquamento @sadeyesgf @viviansafizada @samcrobae @jade770 @witchy-wish @rebel-without-cause-x @xx--day-dreamer--xx @spiced-reads @tita127 @ifoundmyhappythought @enamouravecleslivresetlechocolat @angelxshiba @destynelseclipsa @sheeshgivemeabreak @abbiesthings @knowles-morgan @lady-pswrld @minnicelli @marquelapage @bigcreatorwombatdreamer @jadesamhart @mycupoffanfiction @claytoncardenasbabymama @thesandbeneathmytoes @phoenixhalliwell @thewarriorprincessxo @sugary-x-sweet @multiyfandomgirl40 @imanerdychubbyqueen @iambabyharry @firebenderwolf @itsanofrommesir @noz4a2 @peaches007 @edonaspanca @irenne-stans @skyofficialxx @sesamepancakes

If you want to be tagged, send me a message!

[thelastspeecher]

A Case of Mistaken Identity - Chapter 4: Fear No Weather

Chapter 1   Chapter 2   Chapter 3   Chapter 4   AO3

I don’t often just sort of, discretely, without warning, update a multichap.  I usually mention ahead of time that I’m working on the next chapter and it’s getting close, maybe I even post a small screenshot.  But this time, I was so focused on getting the next chapter of this fic up that I forewent that.

Anyways, this chapter has Stan being a cynic and Mabel being a delight and Fiddleford being suspicious of what exactly Ford is up to when he’s not around.  Enjoy.

———————————————————————————————————–

              Ford gaped at Stan.

              “What do you mean, ‘who are they’?  They’re your children!” Ford protested.  “I told you that-”

              “Yeah, you said that I had two kids that showed up at your place,” Stan said.  He crossed his arms.  “I was an idiot to believe you.”

              “They are your-”

              “Hey, kids,” Stan barked.

              “Yes?” Dipper squeaked.

              “You twins?” Stan asked.  Dipper and Mabel nodded.  “How old are the two of you?”

              “Twelve,” Mabel replied.

              “Twelve.”  Stan narrowed his eyes at Ford.  “If they were mine, I woulda had to knock up some poor girl while I still lived at home. I know you don’t think much of me, but do you really think I’d be a teen dad?  After everything Pops pounded into our skulls?”

              “I wouldn’t put it past you,” Ford said shortly. Stan huffed impatiently.  He began to walk away.  Ford raised his voice.  “After all, you seem perfectly fine abandoning your children!”  Stan rounded on Ford, his face beet red.

              “Fuck off, you prick!” he snarled.  Fiddleford let out a yelp.

              “Stanley, please, there are children here!” Fiddleford protested.  Stan didn’t even look over at Fiddleford, instead continuing to glare at Ford.

              “Shut up, Ford’s ‘partner’,” he ground out, etching air quotes around the word “partner”.  Fiddleford flushed.  “First off, kids should learn swears.  Second, I don’t give a damn about keeping a clean mouth when Ford’s telling me I’m a deadbeat dad and fine with it.  He knows that I always swore I wouldn’t do that.”

              “You also swore you’d stand by me, only to sabotage-” Ford started.  Stan threw his hands into the air.

              “Wow, it only took you five minutes to bring that up, huh?  I went outta my way to come see you ‘cause you insisted-”

              “As if you were doing anything of note-” Ford scoffed.

              “For all you know, I was solving cancer!”

              “You were either dumpster diving or being thrown out of a casino!”

              “Like you’re doing something more important, holed up in a romantic cabin-”

              “Gentlemen!” Fiddleford said loudly.

              “You’re not involved, hayseed.  And trust me, you don’t want to be,” Stan snarled.

              “Don’t call Fiddleford-”

              “I’ll call him whatever the damn well I want to!” Stan’s voice was now a low roar. Ford raised his to match.

              “Oh, Lord,” Fiddleford muttered, kneading his forehead.

              “Just let them tire themselves out,” Mabel said. Fiddleford shook his head.

              “Sweetling, I grew up with five siblin’s.  I know when an argument will turn into a fist fight,” he said tiredly.  Dipper and Mabel exchanged a look.

              “Should we spill the beans?” Mabel whispered.

              “They’ll figure it out eventually.  We might as well tell them before they bring the house down,” Dipper hissed back.  Mabel nodded. She hopped off her chair and walked over to the brothers, who had progressed to screaming at each other.

              “Stan’s right,” she called over the noise.  Stan gestured at her.

              “See, Sixer?  I told you I didn’t have any kids.”

              “What?  But…” Ford seemed heartbroken.  “I don’t-”

              “Stan isn’t our dad.  He’s our great-uncle.  And as far as we can tell, so are you, Ford.”

              “Great, huh?” Stan snorted.  He crossed his arms.  “Kid, we haven’t known each other long enough for you to know what I’m like as an uncle.”

              “Not great as in like, good.  Great as in…”  Mabel looked at Dipper, who got down from his chair and joined her.

              “Great as in two generations removed,” he explained. Ford frowned.

              “A great-uncle is the brother of a grandparent. Are you saying that Shermie is your grandfather?”  Dipper and Mabel nodded.  “That’s impossible.  Shermie’s children aren’t old enough to have children your age.  Not to mention, Shermie’s too young to be a grandfather.”

              “Right now, he’s too young,” Dipper agreed. Ford’s eyes widened.  He crouched down to the twins’ eye-height.

              “Are you suggesting you are from the future?” he asked breathlessly.  Dipper and Mabel nodded again.  Ford’s eyes, brown like theirs, sparkled behind his glasses.  “Remarkable.”

              “Really?  You believe them?” Stan demanded.  “You’re not even gonna ask for proof?”

              “I’ve seen far stranger things in Gravity Falls than time travelers,” Ford said.  He raised an eyebrow.  “Though maybe Stanley has a point.  Do you two have any proof to offer?”  Wordlessly, Dipper drew the journal from his jacket.  Ford’s jaw dropped.  “My journal!”

      ��       “Don’t read anything in it,” Dipper said quickly. Ford nodded.

              “I won’t even open it, my dear boy.  Just seeing the outside is enough to fully sway my opinion.”  Ford looked the journal over a few times, then handed it back, despite clearly wanting to hold on to it longer.  Stan scoffed.

              “He shows you some book and you’re convinced, huh? Y’know, pulling a prank doesn’t have to be this damn complicated,” Stan said snidely.  Ford stood.  He frowned at Stan.

              “This is no prank.”

              “If you want me to believe you, I’m gonna need some proof.”  Stan stared directly at Dipper and Mabel.  “Tell me tomorrow’s lotto numbers.”

              “We don’t know those,” Dipper said.  Mabel shook her head.

              “If you’re really from the future, you’d have some fancy future tech,” Stan said.  Dipper and Mabel shook their heads.  Stan’s face hardened.  “Yeah. Figured.”

              “Uh, give us a moment,” Dipper said.  He pulled Mabel over to the side to whisper to her.  “How are we supposed to convince Stan?  He’s a notorious cynic!  I mean, he lived in Gravity Falls for years, but refused to acknowledge the existence of the supernatural!”

              “Well, we don’t have any technology that is future-y enough,” Mabel said slowly.  “Maybe we let him know something that we know about him?”

              “That would only work if Ford didn’t know it, either. If it’s something Ford would know, then Stan will just think Ford told us.”

              “So it has to be something that happened after Stan left home,” Mabel said.  Dipper nodded.  “Hmm…” Her eyes brightened.  “Oh!  I’ve got it!”

              “Really?”

              “Yeah!”

----- 

              A couple weeks into their stay in Gravity Falls, Mabel woke up before Dipper.  Knowing how late her brother tended to stay up, she decided to let him sleep in, and happily traipsed downstairs for some breakfast.  Her bubbly mood was slightly stifled by the sight of Stan in just his boxers and undershirt, cooking at the stove, looking more ogrish than usual.

              He probably just hasn’t had a chance to freshen up yet.

              “You’re up early,” Stan grunted.  Using a large wooden spoon, he poked whatever was cooking in the skillet.

              “I don’t need much beauty sleep,” Mabel replied. To her delight, the comment elicited a small smile from Stan.  She bounded to his side.  “What’s for breakfast?”

              “I went classic today.  Bacon and eggs.”

              “…Bacon?”

              “Yeah.  You heard of it, right?  It’s the best dam- darn food in the world, kid.”

              “No, I’ve heard of it.  I’ve even had it.  But Dad told us that you keep kosher, like Grampie Shermie.”

              “Heh.  He probably thinks that ‘cause Shermie told him we kept kosher as kids.  But the day I left home, I said ‘screw it’ and tried bacon. Never looked back.  Best decision I ever made.”

              “Really?  You haven’t done anything else in your entire life that was better than deciding to eat bacon?” Mabel asked doubtfully.  A sudden somber fell over her grunkle.

              “…No,” he said.

              “Oh.”  It was as though Stan’s mood was contagious.  Mabel could feel herself getting more serious as well.  “That’s kinda sad, though.”

              “Eating bacon is the best thing I’ve done so far,” Stan said brightly.  His mood switch was so abrupt that Mabel doubted it was genuine.  “I might be old, but I’ve still got some time to do something even better than eat bacon.”

              “Like what?” Mabel asked.  Stan raised an eyebrow at her.

              “Whattaya think?”

              “Hmm…”  Mabel frowned thoughtfully.  She beamed. “Oh!  You could write a series of mystery novels called Crime Grandpa!” Stan snorted.  Mabel took this as a sign to continue.  “You could teach a bear how to drive!”

              “That’s actually not half bad,” Stan said.

              “You could save Dipper from magical math!”

              “Magical math, huh?” Stan asked.  Mabel nodded.  “How would I do that?”

              “You’re the one that saves him, not me.”

              “Heh.”  Stan ruffled Mabel’s hair.  “Guess I’ll have to work on that one, then.  Now, stop bugging me, or I’ll burn breakfast.”

              Mabel went over to the kitchen table.  She sat in her chair, kicking her legs idly.  As she waited for food, she could barely make out Stan muttering to himself.

              “I bet Dan could find some bear I could use…”

----- 

              “What did you think of?” Dipper asked, dragging Mabel out of the memory.  Mabel grinned and trotted over to Stan.  She leaned her head back to look into his face.

              “Grunkle Stan, your favorite food is bacon!” she said. Stan’s face went slack.

              “No, it’s toffee peanuts,” Ford said.  “Stan’s never even had bacon.”

              “The day after he left home, he tried bacon,” Mabel said, “and he never looked back.”  Stan swore softly under his breath.  “Do you believe us now, Grunkle Stan?”

              “I don’t think I fully believe you, squirt,” Stan said after a moment.  “But you’ve got my attention at least.  I’ll hear you out.”  Mabel’s grin broadened.  Stan looked over at Fiddleford.  “Why are you so quiet, hayseed?  No comment?”

              “I already said my comments when they told me the truth the other day,” Fiddleford said with a shrug.  Ford’s jaw dropped again.  “Stanley, since yer willin’ to at least listen now, would ya mind joinin’ us fer breakfast?”

              “A free meal?”  Stan marched over to the table, grabbed a chair, pulled it out, and sat. He put his feet up on the table. “Like I’d turn that down.”

----- 

              While Dipper and Mabel told their great-uncles how they wound up in the past, Stan practically inhaled multiple bowls of breakfast scramble doused in sausage gravy.  The kids watched in almost awe as their grunkle put away food at an unnervingly fast pace.  The speed was actually concerning to Dipper, who began to wonder if there was a nefarious reason for Stan’s appetite.

              It’s like he hasn’t had anything to eat in days. A strange sensation squeezed Dipper’s gut.  That might actually be the case.  Who knows what he’s been up to?  Judging by Fiddleford’s concerned expression, he was thinking along similar lines.

              “Where is this time travel device?” Ford asked, once they had finished their story.

              “We gave it to Mr. McGucket,” Mabel said. Wordlessly, Fiddleford drew the tape measure out of his back pocket.  He placed it on the table.  Ford picked it up.  He let out a long breath of astonishment.

              “This is incredible.”

              “Looks like something you could get at the hardware store for two bucks,” Stan said in between mouthfuls of food.  “Why are you believing these kids?”

              “Do you still doubt they’re from the future?”

              “Yes.  I already said that,” Stan said impatiently.  “I’m just hearing them out so that I can decide whether I actually believe ‘em or not.  So far, I’m leaning towards thinking they’re pulling some sort of weird con.”

              “How else can they convince you?” Ford asked. Stan shrugged.  “If you can’t provide an example of the evidence needed, how-”  Ford was interrupted by a beeping sound.  “What is that?”

              “Hell if I know,” Stan muttered.  He began shoveling food into his mouth again. “Some sorta weird, nerdy, mad science thing?”

              “If it was something Fiddleford or I made, I would recognize the noise it makes,” Ford said irritably.

              “Maybe it started working right while you weren’t looking,” Stan said.  Ford glared.

              “You-”

              “It’s my watch,” Dipper said quickly.  He shut off the alarm on his digital watch. “It’s letting me know the battery’s getting low, that’s all.”

              “That’s yer watch?” Fiddleford asked.  Dipper nodded.  “I’ve never heard a watch make that sort of sound.  What kind is it?”

              “Uh…a digital electronic wristwatch?” Dipper said warily.  Ford and Fiddleford’s eyes widened.  Stan, however, held out a hand.

              “Show me,” he instructed.  Dipper hesitated.  “I won’t steal it from you.  I know better than to pocket something people are looking at.”  Dipper reluctantly removed his watch and handed it over.  Stan held the watch up to his eyes, squinting.

              Why is he holding it so close?  Dipper abruptly remembered how blind Stan was in the future.  Does he need glasses?  Ford does.  Finally, Stan set the watch down on the table.  He slid it back to Dipper, who put it on his wrist again.

              “Why didn’t you show me that from the beginning?” he asked.  Dipper and Mabel’s jaws dropped.

              “Wait, you believe us now?” Dipper asked.  Stan nodded.

              “But…it’s just a watch,” Mabel said.

              “It’s a watch I’ve only ever seen in movies. There’s no reason someone like you would have one.  So I’ll ask again.  Do you kids know any future lotto numbers?” he asked.  The twins shook their heads.  “Dammit,” he muttered.  “Coulda used the dough.”

              “Even if we knew, we wouldn’t tell you,” Mabel said. “We can’t change the future too much.” Stan smiled, but the expression seemed more sad than amused.

              “Kiddo, you two definitely already screwed things up.”

              “But-” Mabel started.  Ford held up a hand.  She fell silent.

              “Stanley is right,” he said solemnly.  “You two have, undoubtedly, altered the future from the one you came from.”

              “So…we won’t be able to get back home?”

              “Not by using the device that took you here alone. You’ll need to also utilize a tool allowing you to travel between realities, as you now come from an alternate universe, as well as the future.”

              “How are we supposed to find something like that?” Dipper asked.  “We stole the tape measure and wound up breaking it!  We have no idea how to go to a different reality.”  A smile spread across Ford’s face.

              “Luckily, I happen to know someone who has much expertise in other realms.”  That got Fiddleford’s attention.  He watched Ford warily.  “I will go consult him.”  Without another word, he got up from his chair and left the kitchen.

              “Great, just great,” Fiddleford muttered under his breath.  He began to clear the table.  “He’s gettin’ his lil friend involved.”

              “You seem peeved, Fiddlesticks,” Stan commented. Fiddleford sighed.

              “I ain’t met this person he said he’ll talk to, which ain’t a crime in and of itself.  But I get a bad feelin’ ‘bout it.”

              “You gotta trust your gut,” Stan said softly. He eyed Dipper and Mabel.  “And my gut says that there’s something big that you two are either leaving out or just flat-out don’t know about.”

              “Why?” Dipper asked.  Stan raised an eyebrow.

              “You guys only think Ford’s your great-uncle. Which to me, makes it sound like you two didn’t even know Ford existed before you came here.”

              “I mean…sort of,” Dipper said, rubbing the back of his neck.  Mabel looked at him questioningly.  “We might as well tell him, Mabel.  You heard Ford.  We already messed up the future.”

              “Yeah,” Mabel said.  She took over for Dipper.  “We knew you, but we thought your name was Stanford.  We didn’t know you, or Ford, or, uh, both of you, had a twin.” Stan swore.  “What?  What’s wrong?”

              “How long was I going by Ford’s name?” Stan asked.

              “You didn’t go by Ford, you still went by Stan,” Dipper said.  “You just said it was short for Stanford.”

              “That’s a bit better, but still not great. Answer the question, kid.”

              “I don’t know how long you went by Stanford. But as far as we knew, our dad thought that was your name, and so did Grampie Shermie.”  Fiddleford, who had progressed from clearing the dishes from the table to washing them, froze.  “We were really confused when we got here.”

              “Yeah.  Yeah, I can see why,” Stan mumbled.  He closed his eyes.  “Shit.”

              “You need to explain yer sudden concern, Stanley,” Fiddleford said, propping a sudsy hand on one hip.  “We can’t read yer mind.”

              “Like you’re not concerned about this new information,” Stan snapped.

              “Oh, believe me, I am.  But yer clearly comin’ to some conclusions that ya need to share with the rest of us.”

              “Fine.”  Stan paused. “I don’t always like my life, but I wouldn’t try to take over Ford’s.  Sure, we pretended to be each other to confuse people when we were kids. But this isn’t tricking our mom. This is…this is something serious. I mean, what happened to Stanley? Ford wouldn’t be me, so what did I do with my real identity?”  Stan was silent for a moment.  “There’s only one circumstance I can think of, where I would pretend to be Ford for years and act like the real me didn’t even exist anymore.  Ford isn’t around.”

              “You think he’s passed, by Dipper ‘n Mabel’s time?” Fiddleford asked softly.  Stan shook his head.

              “I wouldn’t take over Ford’s life if he was dead. That’s wrong on more levels than I can count.  No, Ford’s alive.  Or at least, future me thinks he’s alive.  But he’s missing, in some sort of trouble, and I decided the easiest way to help would be to pretend to be him.”

              “Would you try to help him?” Dipper asked quietly.

              “Am I pissed at Ford?  Yes.  Do I hate his guts?  Yes.  But would I do everything I could to help him?” Stan asked.  He paused. “Yes,” he said.  “We might not be friends anymore, but we’re still brothers. We’re still twins.  I wouldn’t turn my back on him if I thought he was in danger.”

              “Maybe right now, that’s yer reaction, but there’s always the chance that you change,” Fiddleford said.  Stan nodded.

              “Yeah, hayseed, that’s possible.  Maybe I’m a different person in the future.  But at least right now, I can only think of one way to wind up in the situation these kids are describing.  Ford’s in trouble.”

              “What kind of trouble?” Mabel asked.  Stan let out a bark of laughter.

              “If I had any idea, little gremlin, I’d tell you.”

----- 

              Glad to have a reason to leave his twin’s presence, Ford entered his study.  He closed the door behind him, then sat cross-legged on the floor.  Excitement filled him at having such an excellently unique circumstance to consult his muse for.

              I highly doubt, even in his millennia of existence, he’s come across a situation like this.  Ford closed his eyes and began to empty his mind of thoughts.  His excitement made the simple act difficult; it took much longer than usual.  But finally, his head had been cleared.  And in the darkness and silence, his muse came.

              “Well, well, well,” sounded the familiar and welcome voice.

              Ford smiled.

              “Hello, Bill.”

[instantlyexhaustedowl]

"He was my first love... And only one."

Summary:

Old photos, one old love and two not that old twins. A bit of talking after Weirmaggedon. Stan listening to his bro-bro memories about college lover.

Notes:

Please be kind to me, it's my first fanfic in English and also my first fanfic i have ever posted.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28580418

Ford was nostalgically sorting old photoes. Wrinkled paper gently rustled in his weary hands. All those memories, forgotten things with distand feeling of lost love, whole past in his worn out hands. "Ya look sad, bro," Stan's voice broke the silence of Ford's room. His twin was looking at him with curious brown eyes covered with thick glasses. He leaned on the doorframe.

Older twin  smiled sligtly, running his polydactyl hands thru grey hairs. Fingers touched silver stripe that cut thru dark grey hairs. He felt suddenly old and exhausted. "Just... Overthinking past, i guess." He patted spot on the sofa next to himself, showing that companion is welcome.

"Pics?" asked carefully Stanley. His mind was still a bit wobbly, but he remembered nearly everything. Definitely good sign. Stan sheepishly sat next to Ford on the sofa. Old matress swayed under his weight and caused, that Ford leaned a bit agaist Stan's shoulder. "What? Oh, yeah... Pictures. Old ones." said author of the journals with sigh while his hands gently folded photos on the lap. "Hehe, 'm probably not in your colection,...  Hey that one... that guy looks cute," chuckled his brother. He pointed at picture of tall smiling boy, maybe a bit older than twenty-one. Long sand blond hair, big blue eyes brightly shining with happines were hinding partly behind small round glasses. That noodle nerd had two daysies tucked behind his ear, big smile on his face. He looked like hippie college student. "Yeah... Fantastic old friend of mine. Wait! It...He is a man. Why do you think he is cute?" suddenly asked Ford. Stan was ladies man. Why he would think something like that?! Stanley blushed. His eyes wondered over room. Now seemed every piece of furniture like super interesting. "Ehh...No comment?" "No Stanley. We should be more honest with each other. We spend enought of our time pushing each other away. I just want to know why do you think that. No judgement, only curiosity." Old man mumbled something. Then he scooted away from Ford. Scietinst seemed a bit concerned. His brother was always the one who wanted to feel the others presence, but this was different. He was suddenly so shy. Ford like physical contact too but only from persons he loved and liked. Stanley was different- he loved patting peoples shoulder, hugging them even thou they were strangers. His attention was like contact sport. And sometimes it could change into one when that person made him angry. Ford's attention thou. It was more about reading between lines. "Pardon, Lee? I didn't understand." "I said... That i dated men too," sighed Stanley. His fingers were twiching. Eyes were trying to burned thru the floor into the heart of the Earth. He made himself look tiny. Whole body curled into himself. Ford's mouth formed into small silent "oh". "'m sorry... Gonna vanish, don't worry." "Are you crazy, Lee?! No vanishing, no going away." "But..." it was strange. Stanley could brake a montain with bare hands and now... He looked so vulnurable. Like scared teen he once was- standing outside in the middle of warm spring night hoping that Ford could forgive him. "But 'm nothing just familly disapointment. Stupid big idiot and even gay..." "If you say it one more time, i will punch you. Without warning! You are not disapointment! You are my best friend i have ever had and best twin brother i could wish for!" "Poindexer, i am weird old fag!" "Probably not. And that is absolutely horrible word, do not use it, please! You did loved Carla, hm." "And some other girls..." admited Stanley with blush of embarassment. "So you are bisexual. You like both." "'m not picky type," shrugged younger brother with hint of smile. He seemed more comfortable now. Hands put on his knees, eyes still sticked to the ground but he didn't look like persone who wanted to crawl under the rock and stay there for next few milleniums. "I am fag... At least that would Pa called me... If he had knew about it..." "That explains lots of things... And highschool," mumbled Stan scooting back so they shoulders touched again. "Pardon me?!" shrieked Ford. "You were curious only about science. And why girls didn't talk to you! Nothing was about girls, only why they kept ignoring you," explained Stan. Ford blinked few times, his face making pretty good impression of confuesed owl. Stanley was smugly smiling: "I've knew the whole time that you are not straight. 'm glad that Pa never knew about it thou. He would kick ya out too, maybe beat ya...Ya would never make it out unharm, on the streets..." "You were the one that ended up there... I can not forgive myself," two big tears started to roll down. Ford tried to dry them with his sleeve. "Poindexter, let it be. We are here, we are good..." "And gay," added Ford with tiny smile. Roaring of Stan's laught filled the room: "YEAH, we are gay! SO ... Who was that cutie? First crush?" His eyebrows wiggled in devilish way. "First crush, first love and only one. He took my heart without asking and never gave it back..." His brother wrapped arm around his shoulders. "You are old sappy man, Ford." "I know. I... Everything could be so different." "What happened?" asked younger twin. He hated seeing Ford depressed. "First time he went back to his family, after a while he had one too. And later when we found each other... Portal happened." "Sixer! I ... I caused...! Did I....?" Stanford grabbed old photos. He hold them on his chest, close to his fast-beating heart. "It was my fault, we had huge arguement and split up. I should have listened to him, but i was the biggest idiot on this Earth!" Stanley suddenly gasped. "You were dating McGucket?! Old man MCGUCKET?! Oh holy hot Belgian waffles!" "Kids aren't home," snarkyly pointed out Ford still carressing his pictures. "In that case- FUCK!" Small smile crept on scientist's face. "May i tell you a story, Lee?" asked Ford. He looked way younger now. Shy blush on his cheeks, still a bit teary eyes behind glasses. But they were light up with memories. "Yep, ya nerd. I haven't heard romantic novel for a long time! Ok i saw one last night. But i want to hear yar romance," beamed happily Stan and made himsleft comfortable. He was now sprawled on sofa, legs streched infront of him, hands folded on his soft belly. "So...Tell me yar fairytale, bro-bro." "Lee you are so silly," nudged Stan's elbow Ford playfully. "Fine. Long time ago... Ok, i am really getting old and silly. We were college roomates. I liked him first time i saw him. He was true opposite of me. Emotinal, empathic, wonderfully talented. His genius was amazing. After a while we got closer and closer. Fidds was so carring, nearly motherly. You should saw him when i was ill. I phoned dad, that i needed some money... to see a doctor, cause i felt really awful. He... shouted at me- to be a man and sleep it off. So i tried it. And fainthed during one of our classes we had together. Fidds did knew what to do, he took care about me. Got me to our room, helped in bed where i stayed for next week barely knowing about world. I don't remember much, my fever was too high. All seemed like a dream. After i got better i found him sitting on the window frame. His eyes were looking into starry night, silently crying. He was aftraid about me whole week and...He finally snapped... We started dating few days later." Ford had tears on his cheeks while he hold old pictures like precious treasure. His hands were clutching them, only gems he had from his past. Someone knock on the door frame. Fiddleford Hadron Mcgucket stood there. He was dressed in jeans, silly shirt with watermelons and drinks on it. He had crazy bowler hat with daisy that kept danggling. Still with beard that could belong to the oldest wizzard in the Dungeons, Dungeons and more Dungeons, but under it was hidden smile. "I swear Stanferd, ma biggest mistake was leaving ya. And i fool made it twice!" Stanley looked at them with squint eyes trying to seem like he fall asleep. "Stop foolin' us, ya'r great conman, but that's horrible try," laugh Fidds hopping on the sofa from Ford's free side. He covered one six-fingered hand with his small one. They fitted perfectly, like two pieces of puzzles. Maybe their hands were a bit cold, but hearts were still aflame with passion and love. "I guess now i've to keep an eye on two nerds," sighed Stanley. "Have fun ya two, i am gonna go to... Don't know. Want a coffee?" "Yeah we will join you," smiled Ford when Fiddleford hugged his waist. "Yej, coffee is great idea pals!" "Gentlemen, we will have gayffee party!" clasped his big hands Stanley and went to the kitchen, chuckling because he liked that new horrible pun. Ford froze a bit and then shouted: "Do not tell this term in front of Mable! Or we all end up covered in rainbow glitters! I don't mind them but i certainly don't like to drink them with my coffee!" "WHO SAID SOMETHING ABOUT RAINBOW GLITTEEEEEERS???????!" "Mabel, calm down! Honey, put that bottle of rainbow disaster down!"

[lucadansembourg]

         𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠…  𝐖𝐑𝐄𝐍 𝐃’𝐀𝐍𝐒𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐆

the basics.

name. wren albert d’ansembourg.

title. his royal highness, prince of luxembourg & duke of esch-sur-alzette.

age. 25-31.

family. luca ( @lucadansembourg​ ), wendy ( @wendyjuliette​ ) & lara d’ansembourg (ADOPT HERE) - siblings ; theodor ( @theodcr​ ) & josefina olderburg (ADOPT HERE) - cousins 

relationship status. utp.

occupation. socialite & influencer.

follower count. 27 million followers on twitter,16 million followers on instagram, 11 million followers on tiktok, 6 million subscribers on youtube & 2 million followers on twitch. 

faceclaim options. maxence danet-fauvel, charlie rowe, alex fitzalan, henrik holm, tarjei sandvik moe, deaken bluman, chase stokes, brenton thwaites, felix mallard, charlie gillespie, george sear. 

group. @highsocietyhq

the story.

the d’ansembourg twins were a shock to the world, and maybe that’s the way that wren preferred things. from the moment he was born, he wanted to be an outsider. while his sisters were prim, proper and put together, and his brother an overemotional idiot, wren stood as a monument to the weird that most people kept hidden away, locked in a drawer for no one to see. 

he might have grown up in the palace, but he would escape as often as he could. wren craved normalcy in his early years, and he managed to achieve that by sneaking out a side door to play football in a side alley with the local kids. his friends that may not have been “approved” by his parents, but they were approved to show him about the world - the real world, not the one of royalty. 

wren thought of himself as separate from his siblings, and not just because he was the baby of the family, but because he was just... different. he didn’t care for politics, didn’t care for other royal activities. in his teen years, wren was practically a recluse to his family, hidden away in his dorm room at le rosey or his own private rooms in the grand palace, constantly feeling like the only puzzle piece that didn’t quite fit. 

wendy jokes sometimes that he must have been adopted, but wren is sure he wasn’t meant to be born into palaces and riches beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. 

while his parents always expected him to grow out of it, he did the opposite. he never stopped caring about the strange things he’d always regarded as more important that schoolwork. following lara to le rosey was one of the first truly “royal” things wren had done in his entire life, and he still managed to be awful at that. he was constantly in disciplinary hearings or getting shouted at by whichever teacher he pissed off with his detached attitude. but it didn’t crush his spirit at all, in fact, it only made him act out more. 

maybe it was an attention thing - that would explain the next ten years of his life that he’d spend vying for the favor of strangers over the internet to determine his own self worth, or whatever the therapist said. 

perhaps it was the years of his only friends being two kids raised by their laptop screens just outside the palace, or the hundreds of hours of looking at memes instead of actually doing as he was told, but something in wren made him want to do whatever he liked, no matter what others thought of him. 

when lara went off to oxford, wren took a gap year. and then another. and then another, and soon it had been five years - his sister had a master’s degree and he had a massive social media fanbase. he’s not sure which of them did better for themselves.

when his father died, wren realized that he was actually going to have to be a prince for the first time in his life. before, he’d let lara take the reins on anything and just showed up to parties in bright colored suits and weird patterned socks and ties that didn’t match. but now that his older brother was king: wren was expected to pull his weight. 

he was terrible at it, for starters. he said too much, threw jokes and lies out to the press just to see what they’d print the next day. he became somewhat of a cryptid for gossip columnists and tmz reporters, because if you could manage to catch him, wren would deliver biting remarks and hilarious anecdotes about the royalty around him. he loves to watch reporters scramble to confirm stories in any way they can. 

when nathalie died, he came back to luxembourg and found himself a bit aimless. he took up art during this time, making some really dark paintings and a whole lot of collage work, which he then had to convince luca to not hang up around the palace, because luca constantly plays at being everyone’s proud older brother. 

but he managed to pull the family back together, and things got easier, gradually. mainly, he helped everyone heal by not changing a thing - he stayed unabashedly strange through the entire ordeal, and in the process became a rock the others could rely on. 

maybe he wasn’t a misshapen puzzle piece, but just a weird one that took some time to figure out the location of. he didn’t feel like the outcast anymore, but instead a valued member of the family - and had they always treated him like that? he wasn’t sure - and that was the worst part. how could he stay in their favor if he didn’t know what he did to earn it?  

his (not so) “secret  twitter" is well known by most of royal stan twitter, and getting a follow back from him is something that is worn like a badge of honor. he pretty much exists on there to roast his siblings’ outfits and choices, but also to poke fun at all other royals. truly, it’s just one more piece of controlled rebellion. he wouldn’t say things to hurt his family... on purpose, at least. 

it became an arnauld d’orleans hate twitter during the occupation. he would come up with very colorful roasts to go along with photos taken of the french king from bad angles. it was resistance, the only way wren d’ansembourg knew how to do it. his plenty of instagram lives and twitch streams helped, too - bringing visibility tothe occupation of luxembourg to places that many people would have turned away from it altogether. 

and when the occupation ended, he threw a party in the back alley behind the palace that he grew up in. by the end of the night, it was attended by thousands of luxembourgian citizens. lara frowned upon it, but wendy had the time of her life, so he had enough support to call their “sibling vote�� on whether he’d fucked up, a dead tie. 

he ran a charity stream that raised over eight million dollars for relief in belgium after the bombings, taking requests for things he could do in his room. he only broke four priceless artifacts during it,.

when he was invited to the protection program, he was the most wary of it. he didn’t need to network, he didn’t need to be protected from anything. wren knew he could care of himself, but a change of scenery seemed... kind of fun. it was getting boring in luxembourg, now that things have settled. and as long as he’s able to be connected to wifi, and he’s allowed to do at least three stupid tings a week, everything ill be alright. 

interested? contact me! 

i do want to say that i feel like the main thing i am looking for in a wren applicant is that his vibe is.... strange. i imagine wren is a 100 gecs song if it came to life.  he’s an ancient chaos god trapped in the lanky body of a d’ansembourg man.

most things are negotiable, and i’d love to discuss any changes or ideas you have. please contact me ( @lucadansembourg​ ) if you’re interested in filling this connection !!

[cat-in-a-fedora]

Reunion Falls

I think I found something for the reunion falls au of Gravity Falls on the original creator’s blog. The reblog and like functionalities weren’t working for some reason, and I couldn’t find it in the creator’s archive. I really like this, though, so I’m gonna put it here and give credit.

This was originally on @sailorleo, and I couldn’t reblog it for some reason.

`-i dunno, he’s like, really weirdly clingy, but when we’re together all he wants to do is talk about his band…

-dump him.

-dipper that’s the same advice you’ve given me for every boyfriend i’ve ever had

-then why don’t you ask mabel?

-fine, maybe i will. mabel, what do you-

-no actually i think dipper’s right you should dump him

-teen soos playing with baby dipper and getting all excited when he says his name

-it would work better if stan actually knew mabel was coming beforehand, but just couldn’t work up the nerve to tell dipper until the last minute. by some fluke, mabel arrives a day early, and makes contact with dipper while stan is out.

-stan tells dipper that at the time of his birth his parents weren’t expecting twins, and couldn’t afford to take care of two children at once. he only told the kid they were dead because he thought it might be easier to handle than the idea that his parents didn’t want him.

–

-what are you still doing up?

-’m makin’ a sweater for grenda. she’s bigger than me, so it’s taking longer. you had a nightmare?

-no big deal, it was just an anxiety dream.

-a what?

-it’s like a nightmare, but instead of being scary it just makes all your deepest insecurities a reality. grunkle stan says they’re the brain’s way of reminding you that life could always be worse.

-…that sounds dumb.

-yeah, well, life isn’t fair, mabel.

–

-that corduroy girl out sick today or somethin’?

-what? um, no! i was just, uh… i tripped. on a rock. a lot of rocks.

-oh c'mon, kid, you think i never got the snot kicked outta me in elementary school? i know a fist to the face when i see it. c'mere, let’s fix you up.

–

-what can i do, though? they’re all bigger than me, and if i tell the teacher i’ll just look like even more of a wimp.

-ha! if you don’t wanna look like a wimp, you should stop letting other people fight your battles for ya.

-but i can’t-

-now hold on. i know you can’t, you’ve got about as many muscles as a soggy piece of toast. but one thing i know about the world is that guys who were born bigger, stronger, and smarter are always gonna punch down. and guys like you an’ me are stuck right at the bottom like old gum. so if your wits can’t save ya, all there is to do is punch back up.

-….do you mean that metaphorically, or….

-i was wondering when i’d have to dig these old things up again! …see, kid, all I’m trying to say is, when the world fights, you gotta learn to fight back.

–

-oh, shit. we’re not getting anywhere like this.

-*gasp* dipper!!

-what??

-you just said the ’s’ word!

-so? we’re practically teenagers, mabel. we can swear.

-i have friends back home who won’t even say ‘crap’! you must be getting it from somewhere

-i don’t know what you-

-[wendy enters] AYYYYYY DICKWEEDS WHAT’S FUCKIN HAPPENING

–

-ugh, sorry about all that, man. i don’t know why robbie’s always such an asshole to you.

-you don’t think he’s like…..jealous of me, do you?

-HA! ohhhhh my god. oh my god you’re probably right.

-what, does he think I’m gonna like, steal you away? like he’s INTIMIDATED by me? …that feels kinda good, actually.

-oh man, can you imagine? dipper pines, casanova extraordinaire! refined older women such as myself just….COLLAPSING at your feet!

–

-grunkle stan, um…. where are my parents?

-uhh……….. they died.

-oh…. how did they die?

-they………………died.

–

-you know when you’re wearing just the vest without a sweater you kinda look like……. someone. it’ll come to me

–

-mabel, what did you do to the journal????

-what? you told me to pretend it was my diary!

-i said to PRETEND it was your diary, not actually use it as a diary!! you didn’t mess with the stuff inside, did you?

[cut to: a shot of the interior of the journal, filled with stickers and cute little drawings and tiny diary entries about boys and the like]

-…….nnnnnnnope.

–

-if you’re going to be a monster hunter, you’ve got to have a look.

-hey, i’ve already got THAT covered

-no, i mean a look that tells people you mean business. like what i’ve got!

-what’s more businesslike than a leopard wearing sunglasses?

-i can think of a few things. what about like, a jacket? or…. a jacket? something besides a big fluffy sweater.

-listen dip, we’ve only known each other for a few days so i’ll let you off the hook this time. but first rule of mabel? the sweater STAYS.

-ugh, fine, but you’re gonna overheat. hey, what about this? it’s big enough to wear over a sweater. and it’s got pockets!

-but does it have PERSONALITY?

-you can decorate it or whatever i don’t care.

–

-mabel, have you seen my gel?

-nope. why do you gel your hair, anyway?

-i don’t want my bangs to cover my birthmark.

-can’t you just cut them off?

-it’s part of the look.

-ohhh, the 'look’.

–

-soooooo dipper had a crush on you, huh?

-haha, yuuuuuup. he thought he was being super smooth about it too. 100% convinced i had no idea. oh shit, dude, you wanna see this valentines card he made me when he was like, seven?

-you KNOW i do!

-boom! check it. all the blackmail you’ll ever need on one piece of construction paper.

-oh my gosshhhhhhhhh…..wait,  "love, ty"?

-oh yeah, ol’ dipstick used to go by 'tyrone’ before he was dipper. just between you and me, dipper suits him better. tyrone is too cool for him.

-why’d he switch?

-dunno, really. he used to hate his birthmark, people would make fun of him for it, yknow? and then one day he just started being super cool with it. he like, reinvented his entire image around the thing. you should’ve seen him before that though, always brushing his bangs down over his forehead… well, at least he puts some effort into his appearance now.

–

-FUCK!

-KID!

-oh no.

-where’d you learn language like that?

-i… uh….

–…..wasn’t from me, was it?

-n-no! it was from…. nobody! i mean, you hear stuff around, and-

-WAHAHA! this is great! now i don’t have to keep my mouth shut around ya! and it isn’t even my fault!

–

-mabel, take out the trash

-booooooo!

-…aren’t you going to do what he said?

-sure, just as soon as i finish kicking dipper’s butt!

-i will dance on your grave, mabel.

-but…he’s your uncle. you should listen to him before he gets mad, right?

-pff, what’s ol’ stan gonna do, throw his dentures at me? (don’t tempt me, kid) half the fun of being a kid is not doing what adults tell you to do! consequences be darned.

-…paz, really, stan loves us. he’s not gonna like, hit me or anything. yikes.

–

-dipper, seriously, what the heck happened between you and gideon!

-i told you, nothing! he’s just a creep.

-oh, is THAT why he won’t stop talking about you? even on our dates! it’s WEIRD. ….you two aren’t like, exes or-

-ew, no!

-haHA! you dated gideon! gideon and dip-per sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-

-we were FRIENDS, okay?? …sort of. i dunno. it was a long time ago.

-heyoooo my drama senses are tingling! now you HAVE to tell me! deets deets deets!

-uuugggghhhhhh fine

-dipper and gideon have been rivals since childhood, but back then it was on somewhat friendlier terms. they would get each other in trouble, start fights over nothing, ruin each other’s stuff, but they would always walk away with smiles on their faces, like an unspoken pact to annoy the shit out of each other forever. but things started to change after gideon found journal 2. dipper didn’t see him around with the other kids as often. his tactics got nastier. he started “winning” more often. things came to a head after stan started teaching dipper to box. one day when dipper and wendy were hanging out together, they ran into gideon, who took the opportunity to tease them mercilessly. when he started going after wendy, dipper socked him, hard, in the nose. “i dunno. i was really mad, but i think i also just wanted to prove i was strong. wendy was always protecting me, so i wanted to protect her back.” after that point, gideon declared them mortal enemies.

-stan and wendy were definitely elated at the fact that dipper punched gideon. stan probably tried to bake him a cake.

–

DOUBLE DIPPER

“BAM! look out party, this girl’s on a mission! and that mission is to find a summer getaway friend group. woah, huddling crowd of teenagers! that’s perfect!”

-paz is talking with everyone listening when mabel interrupts her. “heyo! guess who’s here, it’s mabel, and that’s me.” “…..that’s great, sweetheart.”

-mabel is really excited to make new friends at the party, but most everyone starts hanging around pacifica. mabel tries to make friends with pacifica but paz rejects her, saying “listen, youre new so i’ll fill you in. it might seem like people like you and are interested in you because youre 'quirky’ or whatever, but you’re just a cheap novelty. around here? i’m the one who matters. nobody ignores pacifica northwest. adoring fans?” paz snaps her fingers and the crowd begins to shove mabel out of the circle until she finally falls on the empty dance floor. defeated, mabel shuffles off to the only people not part of the crowd (candy and grenda) “you too, huh?” “don’t worry. when we burn, we burn together.” paz then steps up to the mic and points at them, shouting “hey everyone, check out this adorable new attraction! it’s the reject corner!”

“aww, we don’t need this. the true merit of a partymaster is knowing how to take the party with you. this calls for an impromptu sleepover!”

-mabel offers to cheer up her new friends by ditching the party and having a sleepover instead, candy remarks that they were planning a post-party sleepover together anyway, grenda says how she stole a raunchy romance novel from her mom- wolfman bare-chest. grenda shows off that the book has a full-color illustration of gerard, candy remarks how she wants one of her own, mabel remembers that they have an old copy machine downstairs.

-“i don’t understand. i’m having fun, but i still feel this burning desire to go back downstairs and make her suffer for her crimes. crimes against friendship and partying.” “hey, i know what’ll curb that thirst for vengeance! theft! look what i stole from my mom’s bedside table!” “grenda, you wild girl! this is perfect!” “and it comes with a full-color illustration! his pecs are holographic!” *all three girls scream* “aah!! he is so rugged and brooding, i want to take him home with me and make him my trophy husband!” “ooh, i think we have an old copy machine downstairs! that way we can all keep the poster! come on girls, let’s go make our dreams a reality!”

-the girls end up bringing gerard to life because fuck the laws of reality, he emerges and says “which of you fair maidens brought me into this realm?” candy points to mabel. “girls, i think the party is back on!”

-“hey, fursuit, i don’t know if anyone told you, but this isn’t a costume party. although that would explain YOUR outfit, mabel”, gerard gets angry and tries to defend her by attacking pacifica. pacifica gets a small scratch on her arm and shrieks “are those REAL claws?!” mabel and candy struggle with gerard and finally subdue him (after he loses an arm to the punch bowl) by stuffing him into a closet. “you can come out after you learn to stop being such a butt!!” candy makes some remark about “at least we didn’t make any more!” cut to grenda either using the copy machine or already surrounded by wolf men.

-after the gerard squad starts running wild at the party, mabel gets an idea. “grenda, they’ve already like, werewolf-bonded to you, right? so if you’re in danger, they’ll come and save you!” “..i know what i have to do. hey northwest, be mean to me!” “ok, ok, just… give me a minute. ….hey circus freak, you’ve got arms like a gorilla and a voice like a wrestler, so it’s no wonder that the only boys interested in you are a bunch of wolves!” “…..pacifica, that was really mean.” “YOU TOLD ME TO!!!”

-maybe have pacifica get on the mic again so all the wolves hear her insult

-“grenda I’m sorry you have the body of an amazonian goddess and a voice like ten angels singing one direction!!” “yeah, maybe if one direction were all chain smokers.”

-the girls use this plan to lure the wolfpack into the kitchen, where there’s a sprinkler system connected to the fire alarm. the plan is that once all of the wolves are present, mabel will signal for candy to pull the alarm. however, once mabel gives the signal, it’s revealed that candy has been captured. “i’m sorry, mabel…. their pecs were just so shiny!” “i’m sorry i dragged you into this, pacifica.” “yeah, i’m sorry you dragged me into this, too.” maybe have them cowering on top of the fridge. but just when it looks like all hope is lost, the sprinklers come on anyway. it’s revealed that the first gerard was the one who pulled it, sacrificing himself to save mabel’s life.

-“you will always be in my heart, mabel pines. and i hope…..that i will be in yours…..”

-“well, pacifica, maybe now that we’ve worked together as a team, we can come away from this knowing that our fighting was petty and pointless, having gained a mutual respect.” “are you SERIOUS? all this proves is that you’re a freak, and your friends are freaks, and even though I’m gonna make sure to stay as far away from your little circle of lost causes as possible, the next time we meet? you’re going DOWN, and I’m gonna make sure EVERYONE is watching.” “……welp! i didn’t gain anything from that! maybe next time.”

-“i’m sorry that all this happened, girls. if you don’t wanna hang out with me after this, i get it.” “are you kidding? that was incredible!” “i feel like my heart is on fire! but in a good way!”

-in the aftermath, the girls (sans pacifica) burn the book. as they watch the illustration of gerard smolder, mabel solemnly says “this ends once and for all.” “….my mom’s gonna want that book back.” “once. and. for all.”

IRRATIONAL TREASURE

-pacifica overhears what the twins are trying to do and tails them, then ends up getting captured along with them

-LET ME OUT OF HERE! I AM A NORTHWEST!

-i thought we just established that doesn’t count for anything anymore.

-pacifica yells at mabel for doing something as stupid as leaving a trail of candy wrappers, dipper interrupts to ask her why she always feels the need to shut people down like that. pacifica tells him that its her duty as a woman of status to let everyone know what their place is. “orrrrrr you just feel so threatened by the idea that you’re not as well-liked as you think you are that you need to make everyone else feel bad about themselves.” “WHAT was that?” “threatened?”

-mabel gets her nerve back and yells at pacifica that why would she ever want to be liked by a stuck-up shallow primadonna like her, and throws a hunk of peanut brittle at her, freeing trembly.

-after returning to town, the twins see pacifica being berated by her parents for disappearing and getting her clothes dirty. mabel feels sorry for her and goes over to explain that oh, it was actually my fault, i was trying to uncover dirt on the northwest family and pacifica stepped up to intervene, and we got into a fight. also we totally didnt find anything to shame the northwests so you can thank pacifica for that too. the northwests then threaten to sue the pines family for hurting their daughter, but paz holds them back, saying something about how it isnt worth it to waste time on poor people like mabel.

-this is the start of mabel and pacifica’s budding friendship, and pacifica’s redemption arc

SUMMERWEEN

-hey, little man!

-oh, hey wendy! ….and robbie.

-so….. chilling in the bushes without a costume on? what’s that about?

-nah, i’d say he’s got a pretty solid 'loser’ costume lined up already.

-i’m just hanging out with mabel and her friends, i guess. this big legendary monster thing says its gonna eat us unless we collect 500 pieces of candy but y'know. no worries.

-sick, dude. and you didn’t even have to go out and find this thing yourself? your sis must be like, a monster magnet.

-yeah, she…really is.

-well, i’d help you with the mission if i could, but i’ve got this whole 'aloof teenager’ thing to keep up, yknow? no trick-or-treating for these old bones. but I’ve got a few extra sweets in my purse if you need some more handouts! we can go find mabel, and-

-NO! i-i mean… no, don’t find her, its ok, i got it, give it to me.

-woah, chill out, you little freak! you’re not HIDING from her, are you? …is everything ok? and don’t say it is, because nobody sweats that much when everything’s ok. not even you.

-……i dunno, it’s like, i don’t mind having her around, but we’re always together and she wants us to do all these “twin” things now and I’m just not sure I’m ready for it yet.

-yeah, i getcha. its gotta be a lot to take in. hey, if you need somewhere to decompress after this whole candy deathmatch thing is over, tambry’s throwing a party at her house in a few. text me when you’re free?

-just try not to dork up the place if you show.

-robbie, if you don’t lay off I’m gonna punch you in the dick.

-i just….. twins are supposed to have this special bond, y'know? like a mind meld or something. and i just feel like i’ve missed so much. things could've….should’ve been different. and i came here because i wanted to make things the way they were supposed to be. i thought like, maybe if we were together we could pretend that its the way things always were and everything was ok. but i cant. its not.

-yeah, i… i’m sorry, mabel. everything just happened so fast, and i couldn’t handle it, and i avoided thinking about it, and….i ended up avoiding you, too. i’ve been kind of a crummy brother so far, huh?

-no, no, i get it…. i’m weird, and this is weird, and you’re one of those weird people who likes to be by yourself. and i understand if you don’t want to be siblings. but… can we at least be friends?

-i don’t see why we can’t be both.

TOURIST TRAPPED

-hey, mabel, i was wondering, uh…… how did our parents die?

-woah, what? they’re not dead! are they?? you’re freaking me out, dipper!

-'sup, hambone?

-oh, hey….. soos, right?

-you got it, lil’ dude! so, what’s eating you? besides the mosquitos anyway. nice, good one soos.

-soos, have you ever tried to do something that you thought would make everyone really happy, but instead it just blows up in your face and everything is awful and it’s all your fault?

-story of my life, dude. probably not on this scale though. just a minor everyday occurrence.

-they probably hate me, don’t they?

-what? no way! i just met you a few hours ago and i can already tell you’re like the least hateable dude I’ve ever met. you’re like if they found a way to combine a smiling puppy with an anime fairy princess.

-but i ruined everything!! that’s what they’ll call me in the history books. mabel, queen of ruining everything. everyone was fine until i got here.

-it’s not your fault, dude. mr. pines had to tell dipper at some point. and dude, if it makes you feel any better, i am PSYCHED to have you here. i was telling customers about it all day!

-thanks, soos, but…. i should probably just go home. maybe if I’m gone dipper and stan can just forget this ever happened and go back to normal.

-you kidding, dog? nothing’s ever normal around here. i know this is like, a huge bombshell, but dipper and stan love each other. they’ll work it out. …hey, my brain just came up with a totally neato idea! why don’t we pitch a tent and have a sleepover out here under the stars? we could swap stories, eat raw marshmallows, and if you still want to go home tomorrow morning you can.

-….only if you’ll try to throw the marshmallows into my mouth with your eyes closed.

-deal.

-hey, mom. yeah i got here ok! it’s great, the woods around here are so cool and mysterious! oh, and i met this really cute guy but he turned out to be a bunch of gnomes under a hoodie. i know!! wild, right!

-h-hey mabel….can i….talk to them?

-…oh, mom, dipper wants to talk to you. is that ok?

-….hi, mo- ..mrs pines. it’s dipper.

-“oh, you must be the friend mabel was talking about! she was so excited to meet you! i hope you two are having fun!”

-yeah, it's…. it’s good to have her here.

-“are you all right, dear? you’re sniffling.”

-yeah, i’ve just got a cold. it’s ok.

THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE MABEL

-mabel sees a commercial for the tent of telepathy on tv and gets excited, pulling dipper over to see the famous “psychic”. dipper is annoyed at best and just groans, expositing that he and gideon have been rivals since they were little. he says he’s been trying to catch gideon in the act of something, ANYTHING, for as long as he can remember, and now with the help of mabel’s journal he’s devised a new theory: that gideon might actually be a vampire! he’s always coated in lotion, has stark white hair, speaks like an old southern man, and it might also explain his psychic powers. but dipper isn’t allowed in the tent of telepathy anymore, and he hasn’t been able to get close to gideon in his personal life. mabel offers to go investigate in dipper’s place, but he warns her that it’s not worth it and gideon is a “creep”, offhandedly mentioning that mabel probably doesn’t have the investigative skills necessary to crack the case on her own. determined to prove herself, mabel goes anyway, in “disguise” as a journalist so she can ask gideon questions when the show is over. during the questioning gideon becomes enamored with her, and when mabel asks if he’s a vampire he flirts around the issue, suggesting that he is simply to win mabel over. it works, and she agrees to go on a date with him.

-mabel takes notes on gideon’s mannerisms in the journal while on dates

-over time, gideon begins to reveal his true colors, and mabel realizes that dating a supposed vampire doesn’t really make up for gideon’s behavior.

-actually i changed my mind about the vampire plot, probably dipper just tries to keep mabel away from gideon because of their checkered past together

BOYZ CRAZY

“….can i confess something?”

“yeah, of course.”

“I’ve never like….. LIKED anyone. I’ve dated plenty of guys, and even a couple girls, but i don’t think i felt what i was supposed to be feeling for any of them. i thought that eventually if i went out with enough people, i would start to like at least one of them, but…. i dunno. I’m starting to think that i’ll never fall in love. maybe i CANT fall in love.”

“well… that’s not the end of the world! love kinda. sucks. especially when someone doesn’t like you back.”

“ugh, that’s what I’ve been doing to all these people! for years! i suck. i keep trying to be like everyone else, but i just end up pushing people away. I’ve lost so many friends…”

“hey, it’s not your fault. robbie’s a turd, you know that.”

“yeah, i guess you’re right… i dunno, you ever feel like there’s something, like, fundamentally wrong with you? like something fucked up in the womb and now you can’t ever be a normal person?”

[dipper pulls up his shirt slightly, looking at his binder]

“yeah. i do”

DREAMSCAPERERS

bill: I WAS WONDERING WHEN I’D RUN INTO YOU! QUESTION MARK, SHOOTING STAR…. AND DIPPER OF COURSE!

mabel: whoa, hey, how come soos and i get special names, but not dipper? that’s not fair!

dipper: uh, mabel, that’s not really-

bill: THAT IS HIS SPECIAL NAME, KID! ALWAYS HAS BEEN. HE JUST ADOPTED IT A LITTLE EARLY IS ALL.

dipper: wait, what?. you…you were the one in my dreams? all this time, it was YOU?

-new scene-

dipper: it’s just… the name was a big part of my like, identity, yknow? i thought it was so cool and special and for the first time in my life i was starting to feel NOT like a freak. i thought i was being cool but i was just doing exactly what bill wanted! [pulls his jacket over his head] aaaargh, what have i been doing all this time?!

mabel: di- …..bro, listen to me. your whole like, supreme tough guy monster hunter thing? it’s PRETTY silly. but that’s what i like about it! it’s all you, and you own it! and nobody chose to make you like that but you! and you didnt choose the name dipper because bill told you to, right? that was still all you. so, i don’t know. even if the guy who made it up turned out to be kiiiiiiind of a major jerk i dont think that means all of that is ruined forever. and if you stop going by dipper i’m going to have to start going by shooting star as revenge. star for short!

dipper: ….i think i like you as mabel better.

mabel: aww no, i was already getting used to it! star sounds like the name of a princess, doesnt it? or a galactic warrior!

-BUT DON’T YOU WORRY YOUR GEL-COVERED LITTLE HEAD, KID! I WON’T BE BOTHERING YOU LIKE THAT AGAIN. YOU’VE PROVEN YOURSELF TO BE EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTING AND USELESS. CONGRATS.

SCARY-OKE

-in this case obviously dipper wouldn’t want the agents around, since stan has taught him better than that.

-dipper decides that he’s finally ready to talk to his birth parents over the phone, but when he does they insist that they never had twins and mabel has always been an only child, and he realizes they don’t know who he is. everything he knows is once again called into question.

-mabel tries to get the agents’ help in figuring out the mystery behind dipper’s birth and proving that the two of them are siblings

-maybe dipper raises the dead as a way to threaten stan? like, oh you’re so afraid of the supernatural, what if i do this

-or mabel tries to lure the agents back to the shack by creating a supernatural disaster, like oh, say, zombies

-stan finally admits, with zombies breaking down the door, that he got mixed up with the supernatural and made some very bad decisions, although he isn’t specific about what happened. he relinquishes that he kept the truth from dipper all these years not for his sake, but because he couldn’t bear to admit that he was responsible for separating dipper from the family he should’ve grown up with.

THE GOLF WAR

-mabel and pacifica run into each other at the mini golf course, and after watching mabel sink the winning shot pacifica realizes she has feelings for her. furious with herself for developing a crush on somebody like mabel, pacifica challenges her to a rematch and vows to destroy her.

-dipper and stan are worried about pacifica’s behavior, but mabel assures them that she probably just wants a little one-on-one game and had to disguise it as a fight to the death since her parents were with her.

-pacifica gets to the golf course early to get some extra practice in, discovers the lilliputtians, and decides to use them to win against mabel, convinced that if she proves to herself that she’s better then her crush will go away.

-mabel becomes concerned with pacifica’s attitude and worried that she’s gone back to her old ways, bribing somebody to help her cheat. eventually she’s captured and tied up, and pacifica has to save her.

-in the aftermath, pacifica can’t stomach apologizing, so mabel does it for her. “hold on, dip. i think i know what’s going on here.” “what? no. you definitely don’t. whatever you’re about to say about me is completely and totally wrong.” “so i just want to let you know, pacifica…. it’s ok. i understand.” “understand what there’s nothing to understand” “yes there is! and i’ve felt that way before, too. even about you sometimes.” “wh…..huh? you have?” “yeah! all that pressure to compete really gets to you sometimes. but just because i beat you at something it doesn’t mean that you’re any less cool than you were before., ok? so i don’t want you to feel like you have to prove that!” “oh. yeah. yeah, that. yeah.” [awkward pause] “soooo…. you don’t hate me?” “of course not!” “ok good. that’s like, good to know. i don’t hate you either.”

-theyre playing truth or dare and mabel dares dipper to hold candy’s hand for the rest of the night

-mabifica bullshit: 'let me see those beautiful eyes’, holding hands post-confession in nmm, arguing about whether or not to run off into the woods together at night

THE LOVE GOD

-during a conversation with wendy, dipper casually mentions that he’d like a girlfriend. mabel overhears and decides to try and pair him up with someone. she enlists the help of candy and grenda for this secret mission, but notices that candy seems uncomfortable with it. eventually she admits that she’s had a crush on dipper for a while, and mabel is ecstatic. she conspires to set them up on a date at the woodstick festival. candy makes mabel promise not to tell dipper, but of course she can’t keep her mouth shut and blurts it out while the two are having breakfast at the diner. mabel expects dipper to leap at the chance, but instead he just feels awkward. he tells mabel that although he likes candy and thinks she’s great, he’s never thought of her like that. mabel urges him to give her a chance, but dipper argues that it will end badly. he spots candy nearby, freaks out, and runs for cover. it’s at this point that mabel meets the love god.

NORTHWEST MANSION MYSTERY

-“….and grenda can take a hit pretty well so she’d be the best choice for a distraction while i spray 'em with the anointed water from behind, but we might need pacifica to-”

“actually, dip, i was gonna ask if i could handle this one on my own.”

“what? why? we don’t know how powerful this ghost is!”

“because i, the wonderful mabel pines, am going to confess my love for pacifica tonight!”

“you only realized you liked her two days ago!”

“exactly! no time to waste when romance is afoot!”

“you don’t even know if pacifica LIKES girls!”

“well i don’t know if she likes BOYS either. she always seemed kinda indifferent to-

"even if she does, what if she doesn’t like you back? and you know what her parents are like, they probably wouldn’t want her dating another girl anyway…”

“why do you always have to shoot me down like this”

“…..i’m sorry, mabel… i just don’t want you to get hurt again.”

-“we did it!” “haha, yes!!”

-(internally) “this is the perfect moment, mabel, just go for it!”

-“umm, pacifica? now that we just beat this big scary ghostman together, there’s something i wanted to-”

-“YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS, FOOLISH CHILD”

-“….on second thought, I’m gonna go exorcise screamsville here first.”

-“that’s probably a good idea”

-{“WITCH! SERVANT OF EVIL!”}

-“i’m sorry. i didn’t want you to know this about me.”

-“ok, so, your family’s gotten mixed up in some bad stuff, that doesn’t mean-”

-“no, it does. you’ve always been so nice to me, and i never did anything to deserve it… hanging out with you, and dipper, and everyone, hanging around the shack….i started to realize that this isn’t normal. my parents aren't……normal. and now I’m just so scared that no matter what i do, i’ll end up just like them.”

-“….pacifica. i know you. your outsides may be crusted over with gold coins and expensive body lotion and hairspray, but your insides are made of bubbles and kitten kisses and rainbow dolphins high-fiving each other. your parents are a couple of stinky poo-heads inside and out and you’re not anything like them.”

[pacifica, crying, kisses her]

-“oh no. this was a mistake. I’m leaving.”

-“pacifICA WAIT”

-“what would you say if i said i was in love with you?”

-“i’d say you only wanted me for my money”

-“oh pacifica, your heart is gold enough to last me a lifetime!”

-“shhhhhpsshh stop!!”

-[mabel kisses her on the cheek]

-“no but really stop i don’t want my parents to see”

-“ohhh yeah sorry”

THE LAST MABELCORN

-things start out much like they do in canon, but when mabel meets the unicorn and it tells her that she’s not pure of heart she jumps to the conclusion that bill has “tainted” her in some way by taking over her body. the abuse metaphors here are obvious. she sadly returns home and begs ford to help her in some way, and he takes her down to his study. meanwhile, dipper sets back out with the girls in mabel’s place.

-“…..but it wasn’t me….” “what?” “i…..i have to go.” “mabel, wait!”

have it so like, she’s not necessarily visibly distraught when she talks to ford, or even to her friends, but more determined to “fix” herself, hiding the worry that she’s a bad person beneath her insistence that it must be bill’s fault.

“GRUNKLE FORD! bill gunked up my soul and i need you to fix it so i can be pure of heart again!” “…mabel…” “please please please PLEEEAASE!”

-“no offense, but you break the law daily, you two have kind of a…. mutual violent streak, and you……” “don’t say anything.” “and if being involved with bill really did disqualify mabel, then I’ve been doomed for years.” “you’re also not a 'maiden.’” “good point.”

-“man, this is bullshit.” “i know. how are we gonna find someone more pure than mabel?” “no, i mean. the game’s rigged. nobody’s completely 'pure of heart’ or whatever, and how do you even measure that? that glitter-snorting poser doesn’t ever have to give up the goods because she’s asking for something that doesn’t exist.” “…so how do we get the hair?” “well, i say if princess unattainabelle back there doesn’t wanna play fair, we shouldn’t have to either. alright, kids, who’s ready to add a few more bad deeds to the naughty list?” “YEAH!”

-meanwhile, mabel’s mind begins to be encoded. “i can’t undo what’s already been done, mabel. but i can make it a lot harder for bill to hurt you again.”

-mabel’s thoughts: “do you a favor” “have craz and xyler ever kissed?” “adopt every kitten in the world” “PACIFICA PACIFICA PACIFICA”

-mabel ends up putting the helmet on ford because she starts to have intrusive thoughts worrying that he could be possessed by bill, and she decides that proving herself wrong would put them to rest. “ugh, shut UP, brain! this is why we don’t talk anymore.”

-when mabel reads his thoughts, she freaks out and, unlike dipper, actually succeeds in hitting ford with the memory gun. he’s knocked to the ground and she approaches him cautiously as he rises back to his feet. when he explains that he’s not bill and the gun didn’t work anyway, mabel starts crying and hugs him. “its ok, mabel. you did the right thing. when dealing with an enemy like bill, you can’t fully trust anyone, not even the people closest to you. …maybe if i’d known that when i was younger, we wouldn’t be in this mess now.”

-“….i’m a bad person.” “oh come on, you don’t still believe that unicorn, do you? i thought dipper told you she was full of it.” “no, i… did something really bad today. i thought bill did something to gunk up my heart but it was really just me all along.” “wow, what did you do?” “nn. you’d hate me if i told you.” “mabel, you could kill a dog in front of me and i wouldn’t hate you. and if you don’t tell me i’ll just assume the worst.” “i AM the worst.” “ohhhh my god. …..ok, let’s say that bill did break your soul for all eternity or whatever. so what? you’re still my girlfriend. and in case you haven’t noticed, i’m pretty messed up too.”

ROADSIDE ATTRACTION

-“aww, come on! think about it…. just us girls, alone under the stars…” “eww, fine! i’ll come if you stop being gross”

-“i can’t believe my own sister got a girlfriend before me!”

-“romance ain’t a contest, kid.”

-“…yeah, you’re probably r-”

-“just kidding its definitely a contest. one you’re losing.”

-“he was… flirting with me! i think he actually likes me back!”

-“AAAAAAAAA!!” “get it, girl!” “candy wins!” “i wouldn’t get your hopes up, chiu. he’s probably just being a tool.”

-“pacifica, how could you?” “why must you deny true love?” “hey, dipper’s my friend and i think he’s great, but he sucks. I’m just being realistic.”

-“oh, no. i think i just agreed to take candy out on a date.”

-“….aaaaand do you LIKE her?”

-“well, yeah…………….as a fr-”

-“UGGGGGHHHHHH I KNEW IT. listen, 'dopper’, you got yourself into this mess, and its not up to me to help get you out. you deserve it for toying with a woman’s feelings, anyway.”

“candy…. saved my life. even after i broke her heart. she’s so cool…………………………………oh, SHIT.”

-“it’s ok, dipper. if dating pacifica has taught me anything, its that the way to a woman’s heart is through emotional angst and near-death experiences. and we get those every day!”

-“you deserve this and i have no sympathy for you.”

–

DIPPER AND MABEL VS THE FUTURE

same basic setup, with mabel hitting up all her friends for party plans, but the focus is on having to return home without all the friends she’s made rather than anxiety about growing up (although that’s still a factor). in addition to discovering candy and grenda won’t be around, she also finds that pacifica’s parents are becoming suspicious of her frequent outings so she’s trying to lay low for a little while, so she won’t be able to hang out for the last week of summer.

ford invites dip along for the alien hunt, and doesn’t exactly offer dipper the chance to be his apprentice, but is impressed with his adventuring skills and the fact that dipper has been training in the art of mystery solving for years. au dipper is quite a bit braver than canon dipper after all, and quicker to spring into action right after ford. theres still a bit of hesitation involved, and when ford praises him for his courage, he laughs and remarks that mabel would’ve jumped right away without any thought. ford then confides in dipper that although mabel uses her heart before her head, he can still see how scared she is inside and thinks it would be best for mabel to return home and cease connection with gravity falls, because he’s seen first-hand how much bill has hurt her already and he doesn’t want it to get any worse. he also tells dipper that he can tell mabel’s heart isn’t in any kind of study or quest for knowledge like he is, she’s just a kid having fun, and he can tell that its mostly because she wants to impress dipper and it might be better for her to focus her energy on her own interests, which can’t happen if she stays in gravity falls. dipper reluctantly agrees, saying that he’s always sort of worried about the same thing. of course, this is the part that mabel hears over the walkie-talkie.

for all that mabel and ford’s relationship is better, he still sees her as a child while he sees dipper as more of an equal. he warns dipper that letting mabel become dependent on him, or he on her, is a bad idea, because one day they’re going to have to go their separate ways, and mabel might not be able to handle it (implying that she’ll do something drastic to keep him around, like stan did to him).

theres a scene midway through the episode of pacifica sulking on her bed, hugging a pillow to her face. her mother’s voice calls her for dinner from downstairs, and she groans and gets up. looking in the mirror, she realizes her mascara has run and she scoffs and rubs at her eyes. when she opens them up again, the mirror is full of eyes. “something wrong, blondie?” it cuts off there

after mabel runs away into the woods at the end of the episode, pacifica emerges from the bushes in her full incognito gear, saying she came to warn her about bill. that bill tried to make a deal with her but she refused everything he offered, and that he’s getting desperate and is going to try again with someone else, probably before the summer ends. she tells mabel that if neither of their families want them, they’ll run away, out of gravity falls, together. when mabel realizes she has the rift, she groans, annoyed that she has to go back home and return it. but pacifica insists that this actually makes the plan better, that if they leave gravity falls with the rift it can be kept safer… and that, maybe it would be better if pacifica held onto it, since bill is targeting mabel. mabel agrees and hands it over…. at which point pacifica takes a moment to admire it, and then smashes it to the ground. she laughs, takes off her sunglasses, and is revealed to have been possessed by bill. then the world ends.

WEIRDMAGEDDON 1

-after ford is captured, dipper runs into grenda, as in literally runs into her, while she’s attempting to chase a monster in process of carrying off candy. the two travel together for the next three days, finally deciding to explore the mall in search of mabel and the others. on the way there, though, the two are ambushed by bill’s lackeys. before the fight can begin, grenda tosses dipper out of harm’s way and shouts for him to go on without her while she holds off the monsters. dipper reluctantly escapes, leaving grenda to an ambiguous fate.

-during that time, candy finds pacifica huddled in a pile of rubble, and urges her to come help find the others, but she’s reluctant. “look, mabel’s not here anymore, alright?! she’s gone. bill got her. so you can stop pretending to like me.” “candy does not pretend. not when it comes to friendship.” “….if you just left me here, nobody would have to know.” “on your feet, northwest.”

“augh, my poor hair… it’s got like, twigs and shit in it.” “do you want me to cut it off?” “what? no. why would i do that.” “it’s a symbol! in stories, girls cut off their long hair when they are going on journeys and breaking free, leaving the past behind… it is cool and majestic and– pacifica, YOU should cut off MY hair!” “wait, seriously? …ok, whatever, fine, do your weird impulsive nerd thing. you got any like, scissors?” “let me see….. six, seven, eight pairs! i also have a knife.” “candy, what the fuck.”

-dipper finds wendy, pacifica, and candy all hiding together in the mall. dipper is surprised and relieved to find that candy is safe and she talks about how she bit the monster’s hand to get it to free her, proudly revealing that one of her teeth has turned completely red as a result. dipper admits what happened to grenda, and while pacifica and wendy look worried, candy remains adamant that she’s strong and will be all right. hesitantly, dipper asks if any of them have seen mabel. the room goes quiet, and pacifica confesses what happened, that bill came to her and threatened to possess and torture mabel again if she didn’t let him use her body. she thought that if she agreed, she’d become a ghost like mabel did and be able to use a puppet as a vessel in time to warn somebody. instead she simply blacked out, and when she came to she was just in time to see mabel being sealed in a bubble and taken away.

-at some point pacifica confesses to dipper that bill never threatened to hurt mabel. she made the deal willingly because he promised her that mabel would be able to stay in gravity falls if she let him borrow her body, and she was just so scared of losing her, and everyone.

-candy’s arm is broken in the car chase and ensuing wreck against gideon’s crew. in the aftermath, pacifica uses the remains of her jacket to make a sling.

ESCAPE FROM REALITY

mabeland is nearly the same as in canon, though maybe with some minor alterations to reflect the events of the summer. dippy fresh is replaced by a series of “dream dippers”, versions of dipper that mabel had imagined he might be like before actually meeting him. most are unrealistically cool, but one in particular is just someone who would be the ideal brother, always looking out for her and wanting to be with her. in the end of course, mabel has to look at all of this and decide that real dipper is the one she wants. (theres also a fake pacifica who shares all of mabel’s interests and is hopelessly in love with her, always flirting and offering romantic gestures, but without any of the sass and personality that make her who she is. pacifica ends up snapping her neck.)

mabel introduces the dream dippers one by one like they’re contestants on a game show, but one spot is left empty. dipper asks who it’s for, to which mabel nervously replies that it’s more convenient to have something extra just in case. later on, in the wilderness of mabeland, dipper overhears mabel talking to someone. “i don’t understand. everyone can finally be happy here. wendy can break all the rules she wants and never get in trouble, candy can be herself without people making fun of her, pacifica can get away from her parents, and dipper…. well maybe i can understand why HE wants to leave, since he apparently doesn’t want to deal with me….” suddenly, dipper hears his own voice reassuring her that everything will be alright, and he’ll stay by her side forever, that the summer never has to end. she says “do you really mean that?” to which he replies “of course. you know i’m the best brother ever.” the voice is revealed to be perfect, ideal brother dipper.

crushed by this, dipper retreats to the pond, where instead of being approached by wendy he’s approached by candy. she sits down and asks him what’s wrong, and he tells her how awful he feels that he couldn’t have done better for mabel. she assures him that he’s a wonderful person, and mabel’s being silly for not wanting someone like him as a brother. she then tells him that she was being silly for being mad at him, too, that she’s realized he was right all along, and she should’ve forgiven him earlier. “really? …'cause i was totally with you on the whole 'i was a jerk’ thing.” then candy ups the ante, going on to talk about how oh, he’s so much smarter and braver than her, and she was just upset because she thought she stood a chance with him, but she’s such a loser, she could never- dipper stops her there, worried. he continues to insist that it was his fault, he WAS being an asshole, and he should’ve apologized to her a long time ago, but he was nervous “because…. i DO like you, candy. like, like-like you.” he tells her to stop berating herself, that he likes her because she doesn’t let anybody change how weird she is and that she’s not acting like…. herself. it’s at that moment that he realizes what’s going on. as “candy” begins dissolving into bugs, a fist collides with her head and she explodes. its revealed to be grenda, who managed to find her way in because “the door was unlocked.”

when it comes to the trial, mabel’s memories are similarly flipped through, but instead of having a twin to be there in her time of need, she had nobody. she’s never had anybody like that until she met dipper.

TAKE BACK THE FALLS

-candy and grenda’s symbol is a disco ball. “…and this one could mean a person who can see the fun in any situation! or just a party animal.” “hey, that’s me!” “that’s me too!” “it’s both of us!! SYMBOL SISTERS!!!” [grenda lifts candy up onto her shoulders and they each take a hand, candy on her right side since her left arm is broken and grenda on the left]

-“we’re proud of you, daughter. saving the world will be perfect for salvaging our reputation! i still think those pines kids are a bit of a bad influence on you, though.”

-“oh YEAH? how’s THIS for a bad influence?!” [she pulls mabel into a passionate kiss] “news flash, dad! your perfect daughter’s a big fat gross lesbian! and when i grow up I’m gonna marry this riffraff right here, and change my name to pines too!! so DEAL WITH IT!!!”

stan still loses his memory as he did in canon, but dipper is the most visibly distraught and won’t stop begging him to remember. he tells him how even though they fought a lot over that summer, he loves him so much and he’d never ask for a better grunkle. he desperately tries to jog his memory with baby pictures, but they need to trigger more immediate memories first.

the solution for mabel to stay in gravity falls would be to fabricate a lie that dipper is ford’s grandson, ford being the twin that faked his own death to escape a life on the run, but they’ve just come back to reconnect with the family (since dipper lost his parents apparently), and mabel didn’t want to tell her parents at first because she was afraid they wouldn’t want her staying with an estranged family member/ex-con. but she’s made so many great friends and she loves this town and wants to stay with her “cousin”.

while the northwests go house hunting, mabel invites pacifica to stay at the shack until they can find a new home.

rather than leaving for a new adventure, ford and stan decide to stay at the shack and rest for a while, just settle into their new family dynamic. soos, melody, and abuelita all still move in, and so the house is renovated to make room for the huge family.

with the journals destroyed, the mystery squad now has to start from square one…. but dipper tells mabel that she doesn’t have to do anything to impress him anymore. that he’s ready to try just being a kid again.

[spxllcxstxr]

💥 unpopular opinion I actually like Lavender...

I know I’m late but congrats on 400 you deserve it 🤍🤍 - twilight anon

Twilight anon!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰 thank you so much! ily!!

I mean obviously book Lavender is better because we actually got to hear about her outside of HBP and her obsession with Ron. She’s definitely not a bad character, I guess I’m a little more neutral through.

I’m using a read more because my opinion got a bit long

Ok my unpopular opinion is I guess sorta similar: Percy Weasley is not the worst Weasley, and I actually like him. GASP I know. Now, there are people better qualified that are able to dissect his character, so this is a little crude mesh of thoughts at 9am

I used to hate him because how could he fuck up to the point he doesn’t know his boss is gone/manipulated and how can he get angry at his parents for joining the order and believing Harry? And then I turned 18. Percy was 18 in Goblet of Fire. And I’m 18 and can barely fend for myself and Percy was out here with a job high up and expected to be a grown up. Now, you can argue that that’s what he wanted—to be treated like an adult, but at some point, you need to understand that that’s what every teen wants. We’re not children. But what about the other adults in the Ministry that didn’t say anything? Why are we only blaming Percy?

Ok, now let’s discuss him leaving. Percy is somehow both the middle child and part of the oldest. However, there’s a disconnect between Bill/Charlie and Percy. Bill is too old and Charlie and Percy have a bit of an age gap. Sure, they were close, but Charlie and Bill were closer. Then we have Ginny/Ron, so close in age that of course they band together. There’s what, a 4 year difference between Percy and Ron? As someone with a similar age gap with my brother, they’re not going to be that close. Now, the twins. Before I get into this, know that I do like the twins. I’m not like a twin Stan or whatever, but I do like their character. They are the closest in age to Percy, though still, they’re his younger brothers. And they’re dicks. Which is fine. Until we see countless times that they tend to take it too far. And going too far is fine if there are consequences or some sort of understanding. But there isn’t when if comes to Percy. We do see many times in the books where the twins will rag on Percy, Percy tells them to stop, and nothing really happens except for more teasing. And Percy never really doesn’t anything back to them. Percy simply wants to study, read books, and love his life. And they tear him a new one. So he starts feeling betrayed by the rest of his family that watch this happen and never help him.

A smaller note on him being a sort of black sheep of the family he’s “nothing special” for lack of a better thought. Bill is this curse breaker that travels the world and fights creatures, Charlie deals with dragons, the twins are some of the best tricksters Hogwarts has ever seen, Ron is friends with Harry Potter, and Ginny is the only girl in like years I think. I’m not saying that the others don’t have this struggle. I think they all have to fight against expectations and breaking away from a terrible mindset. But what’s the only thing we learn about Percy? That he’s stuffy because he like studying. Usually it’s the opposite, right? Percy doesn’t seem to think he has anything to offer so, he does what he knows best, studies to move up in life. I mean c’mon, this kid is smart! He got a ministry job at 18!

Ok so finally, let’s get to OoTP and talk about what he said to his parents. I’m not saying that he was right and he’s justified for yelling at his parents and all that—because he’s not. It was terrible. But let’s go through it. First, what he said. According to his younger siblings. This, I believe, is really the first time we hear about Percy completely losing his cool. He was always prim, proper, and professional, mature for his age, and then we hear about his outburst. Obviously he just got the point where all of this was too much and was boiling over. Which I think we can all understand. So he loses it. Now I don’t remember everything he said. I think he blames a lot of stuff in his parents, which is cruel. It’s something that should come up later after a few therapy sessions but we have to remember that these are bottled up emotions from someone who never feels listened to. Let’s get to the part we all remember, when he blames his father for the family being poor. Oof. Again, that’s more of a therapy thing. However, I can relate. I mean my family is poor, and when I younger it used to be worse. We were literally extremely close to losing our house and we went some days not knowing how to pay bills, and we get a lot of financial help from my grandparents...and y’know, I’ll admit. I used to get angry because well why can’t my mom just get a better job and make more money so we didn’t have to worry about these things? It’s a hard thing to wrap your head around. Sure, Percy is older at this time and sees firsthand what the ministry is like, but he doesn’t understand why his father, seeing how money gets so tight, can stand working the same job. It’s a terrible thing to say to someone, but it’s completely understandable why he’d be upset. In his mind, I think he’s really trying to help. I think he’s really trying to get him to understand that if he just went into a new department, his family could have a bit more money. I have no clue if that’s coming out the way it is in my head but hopefully you get the point.

Secondly, let’s discuss his Dumbledore/Harry mistrust. This might be shorter I don’t know. We’re talking about the headmaster that stored a stone that Voldemort would want in the basement of a school when school was in session. And then Percy had to hear about hi younger brother—aged 11–went down and got like beat up by a massive chess set. And then!! The next year, there’s a fucking snake on the lose that prettifies muggle borns—his own girlfriend being one of them—and the school doesn’t close until like 4 people get attacked or something?? Then to learn that his sister!! His only sister gets taken down into the CHAMBER OF SECRETS!!! And that again, his younger brother, led by Harry Potter, is down there trying to save her. They both practically die. THEN! Sirius Black, suspected murderer, is out and about, looking for Harry Potter, and eventually winds up in the castle where he seemingly almost kills his younger brother in his bed. I think Percy is extremely justified in his mistrust in Dumbledore. Harry, I think, is a bit trickier. I think it has to do with a mix of jealousy. That here’s this boy that is now practically a Weasley and somehow everyone likes this new kind better and treat him better than Percy. Then, of course, Harry’s blind trust in Dumbledore. And we know that Percy doesn’t like Dumbledore. The two of them are the common denominators for why his family keeps almost getting killed. There’s also this manipulation from the ministry. He’s 18 when they first start messing with his mind and telling his these things. So he believes them. I mean, it’s the ministry, they want what’s best, right?

Maybe I’m just projecting onto him.

Ok I’m going to end it there because I spent an hour doing this already. There’s a lot more I can say but I have class soon. Tell me what you guys think.

Come Celebrate!

[kae-karo]

Okay but can you do an analysis of the heart throb video?? bc WE all need that

oh hello dear u bet ur ass i can i mean jfc how could i not what is this nonsense i’m shooketh to my core

thank u dearest anons for expressing literally all the moods on this one lmao let’s go

throbbers dan u are well aware what that sounds like

see the cute thing is i think they went into the vid with the intent of it being like lmao fun cute wholesome which is sweet but like this is dapg they should know better

‘phil’s got his guns out’ nobody asked dan???? i mean we love em just as much as u tho

any time dan says ‘this is gonna be a whole thing’ u know it gon b gay

we stan air quotes around ‘for girls’

‘a whole big box of yikes right here’ did u mean: dnpgames

dan always looks immensely soft in that jumper??

hi excuse me where’s phil’s heartthrob card bc like damn

sned hlep

dan adds ‘apparently’ to stuff when he’s like actually genuinely unsure/uncomfy/feeling awkward this has been a psa

‘choose your favorite on looks alone’ i mean same phil

“‘fast food freak’ that person might have my heart” / “i’m a fast food freak” i mean honestly ‘you and dan are so married’/’it’s a useful thing’ is quaking, i would bang voldemort whomst? idk her

phil absolutely roasting dan, fast food freak and has to be the center of attention i mean we been knew but phil out here exposing him

they both like,,,,,,,enjoy looking at buff lads but wouldn’t actually be like Genuinely into them ofc bc they’re both fuckin noodles and they love each other

‘toot toot hello’ dan,,,,,stop

look boys i know y’all only have eyes for each other but like u don’t have to come up with stories/reasons why every single guy is actually creepy or terrifying

hi i now demand dan posing as bobby and phil posing as richard, complete with the tank top for dan and the glasses/sweater combo for phil

it’s always about the kinks isn’t it

the fuckin yodeling pickle why why is that a reference

dan’s idea of school dancing being grinding and phil’s just straight up like

dan’s ‘oh phil’ catch me fucking sobbing why is he so soft for his man

dan having like a paragraph-long explanation for why he thinks phil chose the person he chose, where phil’s just like ‘lmao p sure u picked this one eh’

OH MY GOD NO EXCUSE ME PHIL U MADE THIS DECISION BC U THINK DAN’S A THIRSTY HOE WHO WOULD FULLY JUDGE ON LOOKS AND PICK THE SEXIEST-LOOKING PERSON

‘the night leads somewhere a nice pg peck on the cheek’ mhm yeah okay lads we all know what ur idea of ‘a night together’ ends with so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

someone save me why do they have to look This Good

granny is not a reference i wanted or needed thanks bye

i love that they both thought it was cute that richard was a tuba player

and then ofc they went the whole ‘it’s sexual’ route what is wrong with them guys guys guys ik this might come as a shock but not everything is sexual okay

(hi dear anon! basically there’s a whole stigma abt band camp being like where all the teens hook up n stuff just a weird culture thing)

dan sees phil in richard and that’s why he keeps trying to defend all the cute lil awkward things and u cannot convince me otherwise

like if they did another round with ‘who would u like want to marry’ dan would pick richard them’s just the facts

phil’s ‘i’m not messing around/lying/fucking with u (but i actually am lmao)’ face

dan guessing all of phil’s right is a mood i mean that boy has to keep up his phil trash status

dan’s doing that ‘top or bottom, phil’ face to the camera bc it says girlfriend and he’s trying to Make A Point by staring

stop they’re so cute look i can’t

‘that is a game changer’ dan had richard pegged as his endgame but now he’s got a Project to work on with bobby, u bet ur ass he didn’t go into his current relationship feeling like Super Confident and maybe felt like phil looked at him as a project or someone to fix n he never experienced that n so is that his way of projecting or smth idk but i think it’s Very Interesting

‘he’s just a lil jaffa cake’ phil ily but ur metaphors man ur metaphors need some work

twins

the final piece of the richard puzzle: “bumps into walls and trips over his own feet” dan: *internal screaming* oh my god it’s phil

this literally became ‘who do u want, the rich boy with a soft, sensitive side, the awkward but endearing nerd, or the unsettlingly strange guy who’s called ‘the lemon’’ and idk how i feel abt it

i do love that phil knew dan was moved by the ‘never been kissed’ thing

and then dan had to go on a full minute-long explanation for his actual reasoning bc nothing is ever simple with him and i love him but he a complex boye and everything he does he either puts a massive amt of thought into or literally none at all he has no concept of moderation

phil straight up attacking dan ‘u like fancy things boy u ain’t slick i know u’

also phil relating furries to nudism as if they’re at all related i mean same dan same

(his actual reasoning was dan doesn’t like wearing clothes around the flat and that’s the tea)

‘u like his look’ ‘no i mean okay yes but that’s not the point okay’

i also feel like dan’s looking at this from the perspective of,,,,,an adult pretending to be a teen and applying what he knows now as an adult and like his life growth to his decisions even though he’s pretending he’s a teen,,,,,

also boi u literally got with ur husband at eighteen don’t pretend that meant u were an adult u were still So Young

bless phil for sounding offended at the idea of dan wanting to date someone as a project

hi dan ur fond is showing

‘you are not editing that out’ yes drag ur husband on camera i’m here for it

this felt important

bless them both for discussing the lack of diversity in the game & calling out the gender role issues, it’s always good to hear that

i’m sorry it’s ‘almost as sexual’ lads did y’all even watch the gwf vid???? i’m hard-pressed to come up with a more blatantly sexual vid y’all have ever made (and i don’t mean like higher on the fuck energy scale that’s another story i just mean like full of intentional innuendos) 

honestly sometimes they Do Things and i’m like lmao they think they’re self aware they ain’t tho they know Nothing but like. sometimes

[1001lobotomies]

Teenagers Beware

Summary: Eddie finds a teenage advice book at the library with a list on how to tell if your friend is a homosexual. He decides to follow the list to see if his crush on Richie might be reciprocated. Based on this tumblr post: https://littleturtle95.tumblr.com/post/187856491144/please-somebody-turn-this-into-a-fic-but-instead 

READ ON AO3

Chapter 1: Don’t You Know These Books Are Crap? 

 Eddie had found the tattered advice book on a shelf at the back of the Derry Public Library that looked as though no one had touched it since the books were placed there 50 years ago. When he checked the library card, he found that A Guide to Teenage Life by William Marshall hadn’t been checked out since 1958. 

‘Not surprised,’ Eddie thought, knowing that most of the advice in the book was probably ridiculous or downright offensive by today’s standards. Curiosity got the better of the boy though, and he decided to take the book to the nearest table and thumb through it, for a laugh more than anything. Most of the contents of the book were what Eddie expected, chapters on etiquette and how to dress ‘properly’ for social events. However, when Eddie reached the chapter on relationships, one little blue advice box caught his eye: 

TEENAGERS: BEWARE OF THE “FRIEND” OF YOUR OWN SEX WHO: 

1. Is too “nice” to be true. 

2. Wants to spend time with you alone. 

3. Proposes that you be roommates and sleep in the same bed. 

4. Writes you love notes as to a sweetheart. 

5. Directs the conversation to intimate matters. 

6. Wants to touch the private parts of your body. 

THESE ARE SOME OF THE TRADEMARKS OF HOMOSEXUALITY. 

 Initially, Eddie scoffed at the box and wrote it off as more ridiculous and frankly out of touch advice from this so-called “expert” on teen life, William Marshall. After all, Eddie had known he was gay for basically his whole life and didn’t need a book to tell him how a gay person supposedly behaved. But then, glancing back over the list, an idea came to Eddie. What if he could use the list to his own advantage? It was probably misguided and completely inaccurate, but what if the list was right? 

Eddie had long denied his crush on Richie Tozier, the bespectacled loudmouth of the Losers Club who had a propensity for your mom jokes – mainly at the expense of Myra Kaspbrak. Richie was straight – that much was obvious to Eddie from the endless jokes about sex and being the only non-virgin of the group – and Eddie didn’t want to ruin their friendship or make things weird for all of their friends by confessing his long-held feelings for Richie. But ever since senior year began, Eddie had noticed Richie getting closer to him than any of the other losers. Wrestling with him more than any of the other boys, slinging his arm around his shoulder at any given chance, always wanting to sit by him at the movies. A flash of Richie grabbing his cheeks and yelling “Cute, cute, cute!!” ran through Eddie’s head and left him blushing in the back corner of the library. 

Taking one more look at the list before slamming the book shut, Eddie had made up his mind. He was going to try it – try to go through the list one by one with Richie, though he was skeptical he’d make it past number three. At any rate, Eddie wanted to be sure of where he stood with Richie and maybe William’s ridiculous advice book could help him get some answers. He took the book to the circulation desk and asked to check it out, the librarian giving him a puzzled look that seemed to say Don’t you know these books are crap? but handing the book over anyway. Eddie would start with number one, is too “nice” to be true, the next day. 

Chapter 2: Is Too “Nice” To Be True 

Richie was a pain in the ass. Everyone knew it, and it’s what everyone loved the most about him. Whenever the Losers Club hung out everyone was prepared to get roasted by Richie and no one was better at throwing it back at him than Eddie. Eddie – or more specifically Eddie’s mom – had always been the main target of Richie’s ribbing and Eddie had quickly grown used to it. But when Richie’s ribbing had started to inch closer to flirting, Eddie was thrown off his normal track of shouting back “fuck off Rich” or “alright Trashmouth, keep it in your pants” at every quip. 

The gang was camped out in Bill’s basement, watching movies like they did every Friday night since freshman year. Ben and Bev were snuggled up in a much too small recliner, and Bill and Stan were tangled up on the couch next to Mike. Everyone was used to the couples of the group being attached at the hip, cuddling during movies or slipping away to the bathroom for a quick make out session if they got bored. Richie and Eddie usually sat together on the loveseat, Eddie occasionally throwing his legs up on the couch, feet resting on Richie’s thighs. They’d always been comfortable with closeness and not thought much of it; that was until Richie started in on Eddie halfway through The Breakfast Club. 

 “Hey Eds, if we were the breakfast club you’d definitely be Claire,” Richie giggling as he said so. 

“What the fuck Richie! I’m definitely Claire! We literally have the same hair!” Bev called back across the room. 

“Nah, Bev, you’re definitely Allison. Eddie here’s the cutest so he’s definitely Claire-worthy.” Eddie blushed as soon as the word ‘cutest’ slipped out of Richie’s mouth. 

“Shut up Richie, I’m not the cutest here, and Bev is definitely Claire. She could be Molly Ringwald’s twin.” Eddie shoved Richie’s arm, still not moving his legs off of Richie’s. 

“Whatever you say babe.” Richie said, pinching Eddie’s cheek and causing Eddie to push his hand away and blush even harder. 

“Alright guys, stop flirting we can’t even hear the movie,” Stan yelled at the two, glancing up at Bill and giving him an all too knowing look. 

“We’re not flirting!” Eddie insisted, looking at Richie to gauge his reaction to Stan’s comment. 

“Hey you might not be, but I definitely am. Who could resist flirting with a cutie like you Spaghetti Man?” Richie quipped, eliciting a groan from Eddie. 

“Don’t call me Spaghetti Man, Trashmouth.” Eddie always acted like hated Richie’s nicknames for him, despite the warm feeling they made rise in his chest. 

“Shut. UP!” erupted the whole group, trying to focus on the last few minutes of the movie. 

“Sorry.” Echoed Richie and Eddie. 

Trying to refocus on the movie, Eddie’s mind wandered back to the advice book sitting in his backpack. Too nice to be true… Richie wasn’t being nice… was he? Eddie thought, trying to convince himself he was thinking too much and the book couldn’t possibly be right. But he did call me cutie… Eddie spent the rest of the movie trying to think of the last time Richie had made a comment like that to any of the other losers and came up blank. 

“What do you guys wanna watch next?” Bev announced, snapping Eddie back to reality. 

“Ooh, ooh, Dirty Dancing!” Richie shouted, jumping up to grab the VHS off the shelf. “Eddie, let me pick you up like Patrick Swayze!” Richie yelped, running over to Eddie and trying to wedge his hand under Eddie’s arms. 

Eddie just stared at Richie, trying to figure out where any of this was coming from. Richie was always messing with the other losers but this was… weird. 

“Richie don’t you dare try to pick me up or I’ll kick you straight in the shins.” Eddie yelled, squeezing his arms to his sides so Richie couldn’t get access to lift him off the couch. 

“Come onnnn, why won’t you be my baby?” Richie whined, crossing his arms in dejection and pouting at Eddie. 

“Richie, you will drop me and I’ll break something and then we’ll all have to go to the hospital and ruin movie night.” Eddie knew Richie wouldn’t actually drop him, he was surprisingly strong for how much of a beanpole he was, but he knew he’d get too flustered if Richie actually lifted him up. 

“Damn Eds, no faith in your man?” Richie said, feigning being hurt and putting on his best puppy dog eyes. Eddie was having none of it. 

“You guys are r-r-ridiculous. Just p-put the movie on Richie. And don’t break anything in the process.” Bill grumbled, knowing that Richie would keep pushing the matter if no one stopped him. 

“Fine, I guess my romantic gestures will have to wait,” Richie said, shuffling over to the VCR and popping in the tape. 

Maybe he just wanted to lift me cause I’m the smallest one of the group… Eddie thought, insistent on finding an explanation other than the one he wanted so badly to be true. 

Richie and Eddie settled back into their position on the couch after the second movie of the night started playing, Richie leaning back on the couch with Eddie’s feet in his lap. Twenty minutes later, Eddie nearly jumped out of his skin when Richie started rubbing the feet resting in his lap. Feeling Eddie flinch, Richie backed off, glancing over to the smaller boy with a look as if to say just relax, I’m being nice. And he was being nice. Too nice. All night. 

Number one on the list was checked off in Eddie’s mind – a fact that made him both ecstatic and terrified, knowing he’d have to keep going down the list.

[prkcr]

hey there demons, it’s me, ya girl...again. and if you don’t know who i am, then my name is sam, she / her, 21, est timezone and i’m so excited to be here! i wasn’t feeling very inspired with luna so i decided to switch her out with an old favorite muse of mine! ( truly i......love this garbage can SO MUCH. ) that being said, let’s look at the theories! aka i’m a buzzfeed unsolved stan and parker’s intro will be under the cut, so feel free to give that a look and message me if you would like to plot!

「 DANIEL SHARMAN, CISMALE, 27, RISE AGAINST. 」┈ did you read that latest viral gossip issue on RILEY PARKER?  he is the LEAD GUITARIST in RENEGADE, one of my favorite HARDCORE PUNK groups. they’ve been releasing music for FIVE YEARS now, but viral gossip has only been talking about them for the last MONTH. get this, i think i heard HE COULD BE FACING JAIL TIME DUE TO AN ALTERCATION WITH PAPARAZZI. they’re known as the MISFIT of the music industry, since they have a rep for being DAUNTLESS but TEMERARIOUS, but who knows. maybe that will change once they become #1.

so, this guy right here...riley ignatius parker...will throw hands if you call him anything other than parker. it’s what everyone calls him. you gotta be really special to call him riley and not immediately get decked for it

parker was born to a wealthy family in a small but affluent village called alderley edge in cheshire, england. his family is stupid rich, hails from a long line of architects and business people. he spent his early years sheltered and pampered and homeschooled by tutors and nannies, so his parents never spent much time with him, but that’s okay because he never really got along with his parents anyway.

has an identical twin brother named rian who he never ever talks about mostly because they absolutely DESPISE each other. rian thinks parker is a disgrace to their family name, parker thinks his brother is a sheep who turned out exactly like their parents because he always did whatever they said without question. they haven’t seen each other in ages and for the longest time all their interactions have ended in ( usually physical ) fights anyway.

parker’s always been a HUGE TROUBLEMAKER with a restless nature and desire to ~be free~, so his wealthy, uptight, lowkey shady af parents who are obsessed with the family’s image could never really deal with him and eventually resorted to sending him off to boarding schools all over england, just one after the other bc ofc he kept getting kicked out for one reason or another. 

about the only thing he enjoyed about his childhood and schooling were his music lessons. he was taught to play piano, violin, and even the harp. other things like math and history and science didn’t come easily to him at all, but music? he was great at it, and he’s always loved it. during his teen years while away at boarding school was when he first procured an electric guitar and learned to play. along with that, he also discovered punk music, aka the greatest thing in the entire fucking universe if you ask him. far as music goes, he'd found his calling in his early teenage years, but it would take a while for that to really feel legitimate to parker.

he was basically that rebellious kid in all the movies who wore doc martens with his prim & proper school uniform and carried around a pocket knife and cut class to go smoke while vandalizing school property and would absolutely fuck up some prissy pretty boy’s face just for looking at him the wrong way.

literally the only reason he actually graduated rather than flunking out or getting kicked out of every fancy boarding school in the uk was because his father was able to pull some strings aka bought his very last boarding school a whole new library wing. parker did actually consider running away a few times, but there was a part of him really reaaaaally deep down that actually enjoyed some aspects of school ( though he very strongly believes many education systems across the world need a serious overhaul and blahblahblah don’t ask him unless you want a lecture ). anyway, the moment he was done with school, he did finally skip out on...well, everything and everyone and ditched the country altogether, heading out first to new york city for about two years, then california for the last seven.

he’s been completely independent of his parents since the age of 18 and hasn’t had any access to their money since they cut him off for basically running away from home and since renegade only recently hit it big, he’s probably still a little poor tbh.

and since moving to california he’s been jumping from disgusting apartment to disgusting apartment and from shitty job to shitty job. played in various bands on the side, mostly for fun and even sometimes as a frontman himself, but when he joined renegade about five years ago as the lead guitarist, he immediately knew that this was his place. parker absolutely loves being in the band and wouldn’t trade it for anything at all. that being said, the fame that’s sorta popped in out of nowhere in the past month ( ever since renegade signed with a major record label ) has been...something else. being that he’s from a prominent and wealthy family he’s quite used to attention, but he’s also one of those everyone in hollywood is so fake where’s the real people making real music types and seeing as he has a very very short temper...well, parker’s already got a reputation for being a bad boy and yeah, he actually kind of is. he’s especially not a big fan of the paparazzi and is known to be very rude with them and get into actual physical fights with them he will throw hands with a n y o n e i’m telling you. his most recent run - in with a photographer who wouldn’t leave him alone even after parker told him to fuck off a few times ended in him being charged with assault and battery. long story short, he beat the guy’s face in with his own camera. parker’s...eh about it. he doesn’t really care? if you ask him, the guy should’ve just left alone when he told him to and it’s not like parker hasn’t been to jail before. he’s a vandal, a thief, gets into fights more often than he breathes but hey he usually wins so there’s that

i think that’s all i have for backstory atm though i will update this post if i ever feel it necessary. anyway, onto personality!

looks like he could kill you and could actually kill you

that’s it that’s all you need to know

nah jk there’s actually a few more things! first off, he’s basically the living breathing personification of the jerk with a heart of gold tv trope. so, he seems like a major jerk most of the time and that’s because he kind of is. especially around hollywood people, he’s standoffish and snide and just all - around has a bad attitude. he’s very short tempered and impulsive af, but underneath all of that he’s actually an observant and caring person. like, he’s not very book smart but he’s good at reading people and WOW DOES HE FEEL EVERYTHING SO DEEPLY. he’s a ridiculously passionate person. he feels everything all the time. every emotion is felt in extremes and the one that’s usually most prominent? ANGER.

see, parker is just a very angry person because he’s seen the way things are in the world. he’s lived a life of wealth and unimaginable opulence, but then he’s also been so poor that he’s slept beside dumpsters in alleyways. there are so many people out there who need healing in so many ways and he’s seen it for himself so he knows it’s true. yet, nobody really seems to wanna help. so many people seem to be involved in activism for show or for good person points and he just he HATES it. he constantly wants to scream about all of the unfair things going on in the world and how much he wants to just make them better because he is actually a rather compassionate person when someone is in need.

like, he’s the type of guy who says thank you to waiters and janitors and average, working class people — though i imagine anyone who doesn’t know him very well would be surprised by that.

thinks robin hood was a guy with some great ideas

feminist af

extremely sarcastic

also extremely english. he talks with a very thick accent ( similar to how daniel sharman talks actually if you wanted that point of reference for some reason ) and yeah, he’s fulfilling a stereotype here but he doesn’t care — he loves a good cup of tea.

not usually one to initiate conversations but once he actually gets into talking he can be a pretty cool person to talk with. he actually has a lot to say about many different topics and if you can handle his constant like every other word swearing, then parker might just be your guy to have a deep af conversation with at 3am

along that deep af vein, he enjoys the songwriting process a lot and i imagine he’s very involved in it with renegade. he totally doesn’t seem like the type, but he’s got this old messy notebook that he takes with him everywhere and it’s just full of song ideas and other random things. it’s basically a physical manifestation of parker’s brain, so he’s probably not about to just hand it off to some random person. if you want notebook privileges then he’s gotta trust you that’s just how it is

also, a total lovesick fool when he's got a thing for someone — a soft but only for you type and it’s highkey cute af

doesn’t care much for wealth at all. he’s lived that life before, didn’t like it, and these days he’d rather wear his favorite old band shirt stained with motor oil and eat greasy diner food ( mostly french fries ) than have some grandiose celebrity experience. 

not the easiest person to befriend or be friends with, but if you do have him for a friend then guess what? you have him FOR LIFE. parker is super loyal — a true ride or die but don’t fuck it up with him because if you do he will hold a grudge forever

which reminds me: he’s got a motorcycle and HE LOVES IT. he pretty much built it himself from scratch and it’s just...it’s literally his child ok he will FREAK IF YOU TOUCH HIS MOTORCYCLE OK /F R E A K/ LIKE DON’T EVEN LOOK AT IT THE WRONG WAY

i feel like his reputation precedes him even though he hasn’t been around very long and that’s definitely thanks that messy altercation with the paparazzi. like, he literally beat this photographer up with his own fucking camera?? word has definitely gotten around and i think some people might be wary or even afraid of him?? 

though really aside from his short temper he really is and really tries to be a decent guy. anyone who knows him well would see that very clearly and honestly, that’s probably why they stick around even though he can be very difficult.

i think that’s probably enough from me for the moment, right? there’s probably some stuff i’m forgetting, but if i don’t get to a bio page then i’ll just edit this with anything else. i also don’t have a plot page yet but i definitely want all of the connections, so please do feel free to message me if you would like to plot! i’m so excited to write with you all!

[totaltozier]

Just Another Day: Chapter 2 - Stranger Things/IT Richie&Mike Twins AU

NOTES: Here it is! Chapter 2! I love writing this fic so thank you for all the positive feedback!! This chapter is sort of a filler but I left you all with a nice cliffhanger! Also if you haven’t noticed, this takes place in modern day but still holds the same events from season 1 and 2! Mike Hanlon is in this chapter but they all call him Mikey to differentiate from the two Mikes! Also, the title is from the song Just Another Day by Oingo Boingo! 

WORD COUNT: 1.6K

Happy New Year Everyone!

Mike’s hand flew to El’s as soon as the high-pitched alarm started blaring. Their eyes met at the contact, her normally bright eyes washed over grey in fear. He squeezed her hand in reassurance before scanning around at his friends to make sure they were making their way out of the building.

“Guys let’s go!” He shouted. The whole cafeteria was full of confusion and chaos as everyone tried to make their way through the dark to the glowing red exit signs.

They all shuffled their way through the crowd, gripping one another’s shirts and bags to keep each other close. Once outside in the daylight, the group gathered around an oak tree outside by the parking lot.

“What the hell is going on?” Max demanded once they all caught their breaths.

Lucas grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze. “An earthquake?”

Ben sat down on the soft grass, crossing his legs. “In Hawkins?” He questioned. “Knowing this town, it was probably something bigger than that.”

They all exchanged looks. It had been almost two years since they last dealt with the Mind Flayer. Things had gone back to normal. Will didn’t have any more episodes. El was finally able to go to school with the rest of them. They were all able to sleep peacefully at night.

“Muh-maybe an experiment wuh-went wrong in the science lab?” Bill suggested, trying to ease everyone’s minds off of the dark past they shared.

“Hopefully.” Dustin replied.

As they waited for the alarm to clear, they all ended up on the grass below the tree trying to find ways to kill the time. Ben and Beverly were reading the new poetry booklet they were assigned for their literature class as they rest against the tree. Mike watched as El paced back and forth in front of him. Max, Dustin, and Lucas figured they might as well get a head start on the homework they were assigned from their earlier classes. Will, Stan, and Bill were sharing an old comic book and discussing their favourite characters. Eddie was sat against the tree with his legs out in front of him with Richie’s head in his lap, playing with his soft curls.

The fire alarm finally stopped beeping, although there was still a ringing sound in everyone’s ears. There were teachers walking around informing the children that they could not go back into the school yet for safety reasons.

“Holy fuck, how long have we been out here for?” Richie asked the group as he stared up at the clouds in the sky.

Stan looked down at his watch. “Well it’s almost one forty-five now so about an hour and a half I guess. Last period starts in like twenty minutes.”

“Why can’t they just let us go home?” Will asked.

“We could probably just leave and no one would notice!” Beverly answered.

“I think they’d notice us all getting on our bikes and riding away-” Dustin added but was cut off by the sound of a siren approaching.

The group of kids watched with wide eyes as three police trucks pulled up to the school and officers hopped out. Amongst the group of men was Hopper. El stopped pacing as she saw him slam the door of his truck.

She started to head over to her dad, jogging towards him and leaving the rest of the group behind. Mike quickly followed her.

“Dad!” She called out as he opened the door to the school, about to walk in.

“El?” He answered. He let the officers behind him enter the school. “Go back with the rest of the students.” He instructed.

“What’s going on?” She asked, ignoring his request.

Mike came to a stop next to her. “We’ve been outside for like two hours, what is happening?”

Hopper sighed. “I have no idea. We just got a call from the principal saying that there was an emergency and to bring the police team with me.”

El and Mike looked at each other with concerned eyes.

“You two have to go back where you came from though. This could be dangerous.” Jim added.

“Dad, we’ve done dangerous before.” El reminded him.

“Yeah, and things have been fine ever since. Look honestly, you guys should just head on home. Tell your friends to go home too or to our house, where ever.” Hopper said. “I’ll be home later, okay? Stay safe.”

“Okay.” El replied and with that Hopper reopened the door and headed into the school. The two teens stood there for a few moments peering into the dark halls but unable to see anything going on inside.

They walked back over to their group of friends and told them what Jim had said.

“O-okay let’s g-go then! It’s a long wuh-walk to the cabin!” Bill stated as he stood up from the grass.

“We should walk past the farm and grab Mikey on our way over,” Stan suggested. “We can update him on all this weirdness.”

The group of kids looked around to make sure the teachers weren’t watching them before slipping away to the main street. They decided that they would retrieve their bikes later, having Steve drive them back that night and ride them back home.

It took about thirty-five minutes to walk to the farm. Luckily Mikey had finished up his home schooling for the day and was able to slip away from the farm for the afternoon. The group filled him on all of the strangeness from earlier that day.

“And what, you guys think this could be linked to the Mind Flayer?” Mikey asked his friends as they approached the cabin.

“Well we’re not sure, but I feel like it could be linked” Dustin explained.

El ran up the steps to the front door and unlocked door, holding it open and letting her friends follow in. The large group centered themselves around the living area. Beverly, Ben, Lucas, and Will sat down on the couch, Bill and Stan pulled up the chairs from the kitchen, Max placed herself on the arm rest of the couch next to Lucas, Richie and Eddie squished onto the reclining chair together, while Dustin, Mike and Mikey sat down on the small area rug. El perched herself on the edge of the coffee table.

“What if we’re reading too much into this?” Max offered. “Like Bill said, something could have gone wrong in the science lab easily.”

“Exactly,” Stan agreed. “I mean Richie practically blew up the lab last week with his genius idea to not pay attention to a word the teacher said!”

“Hey! I was being a great scientist, I knew what I was doing, Stanley!” Richie defended. “Besides, how else was I going to get Miss Anderson’s attention?” He said with a cheeky grin. Eddie elbowed him to get him to stop talking.

“I don’t really want to think about this” Will spoke up.

Everyone’s eyes shifted to Will. The boy had been through a lot dealing with the upside down and the Mind Flayer. Things had mostly gone back to normal since Eleven closed the gate, sealing away the upside down and everything that lurks within. It had been years since that night but the group of kids could never erase the memory from their minds.

Mike saw the fear behind Will’s eyes and instantly understood. He didn’t want to think about the possibility of things stirring up again. No one really did.

“Sorry Will, let’s talk about something else.” He said.

“Let’s play a game!” Beverly suggested.

“Hopper got me the new version of Just Dance, we could try it out?” El asked.

The group gave out a round of agreement and Dustin and Lucas quickly jumped up to move the table out of the way.

They all took turns playing Just Dance, each kid doing their best. Mike watched his friends goofing around, giving it their all. He went up against Richie, his twin calling it a ‘dance battle to end all dance battles’. Richie was a horrible dancer, but inevitable Mike was much worse.

“You’re shit at this, Wheeler!” Richie chirped.

“Shut up, Trashmouth! You dance like an old woman!” Mike threw back.

“Yeah? I learned it from Eddie’s mom!” Richie laughed as he continued to copy the danced moves shown on the TV.

“Beep Beep, Richie!” Eddie groaned from his spot on the chair.

“Don’t worry Eds, your dance moves are way better” Richie looked over his shoulder to give Eddie a wink. Richie’s sure he saw him blush but he didn’t say anything.

The twins finished their ‘dance battle’ and took their seats, breathing heavily beside on another. Their scores popped up on the screen followed by a sound of disappointment.

“You guys are actually the worst!” Beverly announced. “Watch and learn from the pros!” She pulled up El, Max and Dustin and the four of them chose a song.

Somehow the four were actually the best at the game, Dustin holding the high score proudly. They were halfway through the dance, each of them holding an almost perfect score.

“Here comes the golden bonus!” Dustin alerted the others as he waved his arms about in time with the music.

“Don’t distract me Dustin!” Max countered back as she jumped in time.

“And five, six, seven, eight-” Eleven was cut off by the sound of the cabin door flying open, hitting the wall beside it.

Everyone stopped moving and whipped their heads to look at the door. Hopper stood there, breathing heavily with wide eyes.

“We need to talk.” He stated. “Now!”

Taglist:

@alwaysmebeforeyou @88-shooting-stars @aburbules @rrichiettozier @deebaddee @kaitlinlexiepxrrini @lulibeanss @nonblogsense @parkeriddikulus @bevvverlymarsh @crazycharlie03

[misserahmar]

Political Climate

Set around July 2017. Warning for antisemitism, light swearing, and minor violence.

Kike [kyke]- antisemitic slur, a corrupted reference to the circle marks illiterate Jewish immigrants made on immigration documents.

Putz [puhts]- an American Jewish slang term meaning a jerk or fool; taken more vulgarly (as in this story) it stands in for “dickhead”.

Schmuck [shmuk]- an American Jewish slang term meaning penis, used to refer to someone who’s a dick.

---------------------------

The offender was down before he knew what had hit him --literally. His stick dropped with a clack, and his knees hit the pavement hard as he cupped his nose, blood burbling out from behind his black bandanna. Uncontrollable screaming flooded their ears, followed by a rough and rushed getaway from under the noses of the quickly gathering police force.

This was not the way the day was supposed to go. This was not the way it was supposed to have gone at all.

-----

It was decided that a family trip to Portland was in order. With all the years of the kids coming up to visit from Piedmont, they had never really left Gravity Falls. Sure, there was the occasional road trip to the other tourist traps, but Dipper and Mabel had never been to the City of Roses. Dipper had read articles about the old Lone Fir cemetery being a major paranormal hot spot, and Mabel had seen a food show about the local Black Magic Donuts serving pastries the size of her head. She had grabbed Stan by his shoulders and shook him, crying,

"THE SIZE OF MY HEAD GRUNKLE STAN! THE SIZE OF MY HEAAAAAD!!"

It really hadn't taken much to convince the old men to give into the two teenagers wishes. Portland was a nice city, in Stan's opinion. He didn't go often, but he had always had a pleasant experience, and Ford hadn't been in quite a while. It would be nice to just have a slow family day, and wander around town, taking in the sights. Get some good eats, maybe sit in a park by the river, or go to one of the museums. A restful day: just what they all needed.

So, everyone piled into the twins' well worn sedan, and waved goodbye to Soos and Melody, who holding Waddles and waving furiously, calling out a reminder to visit the farmer's market. Once the tires hit the main highway, the time on the road passed quickly, considering how far they had to drive. It was filled the with laughter, stories, and song, and before they knew it, they were pulling into a parking garage in downtown, and filing out into the hot day.

"Man," Dipper said, stretching, "this is a nice looking place. Looks a lot easier to navigate than the Bay Area, but I don't want to chance it. I'm glad we can walk where we want to get to."

"Yeah, or call a 'Frendz-With-Carz'." Mabel said absently, as she fiddled with her map app.

"Mabel, I'm not using a rideshare if we have the car."

"Yeah, I know, but maybe we'll be really far away and tired at the end of the day, bro-bro. Hey, did you know there's a two story arcade a few blocks away?"

Dipper excitedly turned to ask about it, but was beat to the punch by Ford's questions. "So, what exactly are we doing, kids? You're leading today, so where are we going?"

"That way, Grunkle Ford!!" Mabel cried loudly, pointing into the distance with a dramatic pose. "To DONUTS!!" Thoroughly enchanted with the idea of finally devouring a donut the size of her own head, she bounded off down the block, leaving the rest of her family calling after her and following along.

The line to the shop was starting to get pretty long by the time that they arrived, but it turned out to be well worth the wait. The people were nice and the exterior of the building was fun and funky, but inside the shop, the kistch inside reminded them all of the Mystery Shack: lots of little occult symbols and themed merch all over the walls. Both of the older men were as intrigued by the interior as the two teens --Ford by symbols and mystical doodads that he was sure he recognized, and Stan by the sheer overbearingness of it all. He loved it, and said that it gave him a few ideas to pass along to Soos to try in the Shack.

The family left with hands holding jelly-filled screaming voodoo-dollnuts, and a signature pink box full of some of the other unique pastries the shop sold --including Mabel's prized giant donut, half eaten.

"So where to now, you two?" Stan asked, hefting the box in one hand and finishing off his screaming victim in the other. "As long as it's not more food, I'm good."

"Well," Dipper said, checking his own phone, "It sort of is. The road we take to get over to the cemetery passes right through the Farmer's Market that Melody mentioned this morning." He shrugged apologetically. "Sorry Grunkle Stan, but look at it this way, we can pick up something to take along for later."

The day was gorgeous and sunny as they walked. It was also unfortunately sticky and humid, as they soon discovered, but they weren't letting it get them down. Dipper pulled out his camera that he had brought along for hopeful sightings and EVPs, and started recording his family. It was a good excuse to play with his settings, but an even better one to record some memories. Time with these two old men were precious. They wouldn't be around forever, and there was no telling when something...

He shook his head, focusing on his camera. No. Today wasn't for thoughts like that. He knew what reality was and what it entailed --he wasn't naive-- but today was for fun, and family. Not inevitability. Lifting the camera up higher, he adjusted the display screen and started panning around the area. The crowds were getting far thicker, and there were starting to be a lot more movement and sound.

"Hey Mabel," he asked, "are we at the market?"

"What? No, I don't think so." She replied, frowning. "I think we've still got a couple blocks."

Ford looked out and around at everyone. "I wonder what could be going on, then. There's beginning to be quite a lot of people. Far more than there has been on these busy metropolitan streets...."

They walked a bit further before they came upon the thick of the crowd, seething and yelling. It was some form of protest against a recent piece of legislature passed by the new President. Signs were being waved in the crowd, mostly against what had been done, marked with caricatures and satirical images of the orange-colored Commander-in- Chief. Across from those protesters, however, were a growing number of signs of a much more... intolerant nature. The words themselves were angry and hateful, and very clearly mocking the people that had come to protest what they felt was harmful and unnecessary.

The Pines slowed as they surveyed the crowd, until all at once they stopped on the outskirts. No one wanted to get any nearer to this mess than they had to.

"I don't--"

"None of us do."

"We should--"

"Yeah."

"Why don't we--"

"Affirmative."

Dipper looked around as he got jostled by the crowd and saw something in the nearby distance. "Look, there's the bridge we take to get over to Lone Fir. If we go back a block, we can go around this whole mess and get on with our day."

"Sounds good to me, kid." Stan said, shifting around, trying hard not to drop the donut box or step on someone. "Let's get out of here, quick. Things like these bring back some bad memories."  As they all turned to leave, a protester wearing a bandanna over his face shoved through the group roughly, pushing Dipper into Mabel and knocking Ford down entirely.

"Hey, you lil shit!" Stan yelled as he pulled his brother up with his free hand. "Just 'cause you're wearing a mask doesn't give you the right to be a complete putz!"

The man stopped, turned and walked back slowly, gripping a rather thick stick with a puny American flag tacked to the end. He gave the evil eye to the whole family, Dipper and Mabel pulling themselves together just a hair, bracing themselves for the worst. The bandanna wearing man stopped in front of them, and looked Stan up and down critically. "In this country, I have the right to do whatever I want." He slapped the box of Black Magic donuts out of Stan's hand and stomped on them.

"HEY!!"

"We're back on top, and nothing is going to stop us, especially not an old, hooknose KIKE!! With Trump in charge, we're gonna get rid of all of the fucking worthless pieces of shit from this country, and you fucking Jews are gonna go back in the ovens!!!" The two brothers, about to spring into action stopped like they'd been slapped. Stan been called a lot of things over through his life, but Ford had spent decades away from those words. For the two of them, however, it was a shock to hear something so full of unadulterated hate followed by such giddy, maniacal laughter. "HA HA HA HA HAHAHAH--!!!!"

The hand came out of nowhere, reaching past Stan's shoulder and straight into the protester's face. It wasn't a fist, but the hard heel of the palm, and it crunched into the hidden nose with anger filled accuracy. Mabel drew her hand back and lunged forward as the man fell to his knees swearing, kicking her foot as hard as she could into his ribs. "How dare you?! HOW DARE YOU?!" She shrieked. "I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL!!"

Ford grabbed her by her shirt collar and yanked her back before she could make another kick, pulling her down to hide her out of view as Stan scanned the crowd for the nearby police officers. He swore under his breath, and quickly shooed the family away from the enclosing law enforcement, but not before spitting on the injured and still-swearing white supremacist. Dipper stuffed his camera into his pocket, taking Mabel's hand as the family scampered away. Ford quickly dug into his coat and pulled out a device that he flipped a couple switches on and dropped. Stan growled in pain and shot his brother a dirty look as he pulled out his hearing aid as fast as he could. Tugging on sleeves, he got group to slow down as they rounded a corner onto an emptier street. You want to walk, he told them knowingly, not run. Running draws suspicion if you're the only ones doing it.

Mabel was breathing hard through clenched teeth as they walked in the direction of where Dipper had parked the car just a short time ago. She was obviously still seething over the encounter, her shoulders square and tense, but her hands were shaking. The one in Dipper's hand was trembling hard, and was starting to become clammy, but he gripped it tighter, giving her a reassuring squeeze. No one really spoke until they got to the car, and even then, only the radio could be heard until they were making their way out of Portland's center. Mabel kept glancing out the side mirrors as Dipper drove, and tensing up hard whenever they passed a cop car.

From the back seat, a rough old hand reached out and laid on her shoulder, and the tension dropped. "It's going to be okay, Mabel."

Placing her hand on top of her Grunkle's, the girl turned in her seat to look back at the old man. "Grunkle Ford, how do you know? There were police everywhere, and street cams, and people with phones--! I'm sure someone saw me!"

"Do you remember the little black box I dropped?" Mabel nodded. "That device scrambled the previous 10 minutes of video on any active camera in two block radius, and produces a feedback whine into any headset as a distraction."

Dipper nodded as he drove. "That's pretty cool, Grunkle Ford, but that's a pretty specific thing to carry around. Why did you have it? None of us were expecting anything like this to happen."

"Well, my boy, over our voyages I've had to use them a few times, so they're alway something handy to carry around." With a wry smile, he reached over with his other hand and gave his brother a shove. "That, and I figured with Stanley being around, it wouldn't hurt to have one. No telling what trouble he would get into."

Everyone in the car got a much needed laugh out of that, but Mabel's smile was the first to slip. "Yeah, I guess I was the problem child this time..." she trailed off,not wanting to look at anyone, but tensed up and gripped Ford's hand tight as Highway Patrol passed them on the road.

"Mabel, sweetie," Stan said from the seat directly behind her. "It's okay. We're heading out of town now, there's no sirens, and Ford an' me are gonna get everything taken care of." He reached around and put his hand on her other shoulder. "Even if we hadn't been able to duck the cops, you know I would have posted bail for you. And after what happened, how could I not! I mean, I woulda anyway, but you got that schmuck good. I'm proud of you!"

"But Grunkle Stan, I lost it! I hurt a complete stranger! I know he was an awful person, but I just couldn't help it. I wanted to hurt him so much for saying those things to you. About you. About us." She paused and bit her lip, frowning as tears started to form. "If you guys hadn't pulled me off of him.... I don't think I would have stopped." She sniffed hard and started to cry, gripping the comforting hands of her Grunkles. "Oh god..."

Dipper glanced over at his sister as he shifted the car towards the onramp that would take them home. Reaching out, he put his hand on her arm and gave it a good squeeze. There wasn't much he could do right now, and he knew that there wasn't much that could be done right now, anyway. His sister was in turmoil, and needed to cry. So, being the good brother he was, he would be there to support her, and wait until she was ready.

He wasn't looking forward to the next three and a half years if this is what was going to happen. The intolerance, the anger, the hate... Especially since UC Berkeley seemed to be a hot spot for political protests to turn into violent clashes. He had his own opinions and ideals, but he the last thing he wanted was to get into a fist fight over them. But, he knew that as long as he had Mabel, they would watch each other's backs and keep each other going. As long as he had his sister, his parents, and his Grunkles, he would have a support system to keep the world from getting to be too much. They all would.

Glancing to the side, and into the rearview, he saw the faces of those he loved and smiled a bit. After all, they had already faced the literal end of the world, so they could handle the stress of dipshits with bandannas and grudges. Life in this political climate was going to be rough, but with his family, they could get through the grind, one day at a time.

-----------------------------------

A/N: Man, this was both one of the hardest and easiest fics I’ve written.

If any of you have seen the news lately, there was a big fight between white supremacist protesters and anti-Trump protesters in Berkeley on April 15th that got nasty. Berkeley is not too far from Piedmont. Dipper and Mabel turn 18 this year, meaning they probably graduate from high school this June and start college shortly after their birthday, and they’re probably going to go to a close one, and UC Berkeley is, again, not all that far of a commute.

I hope you all see where my train of thought went.

Now, see, I love these kids. Gravity Falls is my nightlight in these dark times, and these two pure, wonderful kids --that are growing up to be pure and wonderful young adults-- well, they just deserve all the best in the world. They’ve already been through so much, so would it be too much to ask that they didn’t have to go through the same shit we are?

Yes, apparently, because my brain gave me solid bones for this story in about an hour and a half, and I was able to spit it out over two nights. This is why it was the easiest thing.

What makes it the hardest is the fact that I put these kids, and their great uncles through something I never want people to go through. I have a surprising number of my close friends that are Jewish,or of descent, so antisemitism is something that I really despise. I just don’t get it, and this resurgence in Naziism is really upsetting. I really didn’t want to drag this family into this sort of thing, but let’s face it: in this administration, no one is really safe anymore, not even the Pines.

Stan might have left Judaism, but white supremacists don’t care about your religious alignment, all they care about is your ancestry.

It gave me a really sick feeling in my stomach that not even these beloved characters --were they real-- would be safe from this horrifying mess of anger and hate. So, to rectify it, I made this. It’s painful but comforting, angering yet cathartic. It’s not pretty. It’s not nice. It’s terribly skewed by my own political leanings, but here it is.