#I need to add to this because the not so hidden misogyny is making me vomit:

[jules-van-hering]

how the fuck do you calm yourself down from wanting to completely rip into those dudes on dating app who just saw the non-mono tag on your profile didn't read any further then texted you the most offensive shit and now you just wanna rip his head off

[moseslikellamas]

♱𖣂 Redfork Menace ♱𖣂 pt.17

Benjicot Blackwood x Bracken!OC

Summary - Questioning begins.

Warnings - fem!reader, suspense, adult language, period typical misogyny, condescension, adult language, feelings of shame, feelings of guilt, manipulation, benjicot brainrot, Kieran Burton fancast.

Word count - 2.3k

No idea what old timey court was like so it’s basically just based off our modern system. And we stan lawyer Martyn.

“When did you first notice someone was sneaking into your side of the borderlands?”

“It would be nearly three moons ago now.”

Shanda sat on pins and needles as the questioning started. This was where all of the real opinions would be formed. And where everyone would be trying to rip the other side apart.

“What tipped you off? You stated earlier none of the guards on duty could find proof.”

Martyn was questioning Benjicot and he was quite good at it, she thought. Martyn had always been a serious person. Stuck between her and Royce she supposed he didn’t have a choice in the matter.

“I knew they weren’t arguing over nothing. There was something happening out there, so I started looking. Tracks were covered almost perfectly but I caught sight of the crushed grass in places. After that I just had to wait and watch.”

“Anything could’ve disturbed that grass deer, your own men. It wasn’t indicative of an interloper. But let’s say, you had a feeling. Why not alert your father to the trouble?”

Benjicot was not his usual cocky, blaisè self. Which she found frustrating. He too was surprisingly stoic as he gave his response.

“As heir to Raventree, I’m entrusted to handle several duties. One of which was finding and fixing the continued guard problem in the borderlands. There was no need to trouble him with the issue until I had apprehended the criminal.”

“Exactly my point. You knew of the issue, had the authority to end it and never did. Why did you not take the same actions anyone would have against an interloper on their grounds? You had the right to take their head. Why didn’t you?”

By all rights Martyn had him there.

“I saw a flash of hair in the moonlight one night waiting for them to arrive. Your sister's hair, I recognized it. Once I knew she was a lady, I couldn’t very well cut her head off could I?”

“And you couldn’t contain her? As fearsome as your reputation is, you would think a woman was easy fare for you. But then she nearly ended your life one night, isn’t that correct?”

Shanda was considering how she could make this into Martyn’s full time job. He was wasted on guard duty when he could be defending people in cases across the realm.

“She caught me unaware, setting traps all around the borderlands. Beyond that I wanted to see if she would lead me back to Stone Hedge. I had plenty of evidence but well, I couldn’t exactly go and demand her head. So I put out a written notice, warning her specifically not to return or face the consequences if she did.” He shrugged. “How she got on my side of the river didn’t concern me. A known spy was nearly in Raventree hall, so I apprehended her.”

“And then your father sentenced her to death. How does that add up with your words? You can’t chop her head off but your father can?”

“Her head sits firmly still upon her shoulders.” Benjicot sneered.

“Because we petitioned Lord Tully! Answer the question, why spare her only to turn around and sanction the same thing later?”

“I do not control my Lord father, his decisions are his own.”

***

Shanda skipped lunch, hiding out in some hidden room alone. She didn’t go back to her own room for fear of the heir showing up. The longer the trial went on the more agitated he became, even if he was doing a very good job of hiding it in public.

She thought back to the night before when he had very firmly escorted her back to her room after the fiasco in the hallway. He had looked as if he were itching for a fight and she realized it was probably the longest he’d been without one in years. He had followed her inside her room against her vehement protest. There had, of course, been no guard posted to alert.

“What do you want? Or are you just hoping a guard will wander by to see you in here and report it to the masses? Haven’t you drugged my name through the mud enough?” She had demanded after he pushed into her room.

“I’m just keeping you company. Haven’t you been lonely?” He asked innocently while he rummaged around her room.

She had frowned at that.

“No, seeing all of the riverlands has kept me from being lonely.” Her tone was sarcastic. “What are you looking for? I didn’t bring anything with me.”

He turned to look at her before giving up his search and stalking towards her.

“It’ll be over soon enough. You should enjoy the time with your brother.” He tucked a strand of hair back from her face.

She was so tired of the back and forth. “No need, seeing as I’ll be returning home with him.”

He had just smiled down at her, his eyes sparkling.

“Try not to be so disappointed when it’s just me that takes you home.”

She’d stepped back scoffing. “Get out. I have to be up early tomorrow. Shouldn’t you be preparing yourself for questioning anyway?”

For every step she took back, he matched it forward.

“No, because I’m not being untruthful.”

“Oh what the fuck ever. All you’ve done is lie since this thing started.” She complained, her back finally hit the wall as she looked up at him annoyed.

“We both know there are several facets of the truth. You’re telling the one you think will most endear them to your cause, I’m doing the same.”

Shanda was shaken out of her reverie by a loud banging on the door. Who could it possibly be? Standing abruptly, she opened the door to see, of all people, Donal.

“Donal? How’d you know I was in here?”

Donal was a year older than Royce and a guard back at Stone Hedge. Shanda hadn’t spoken to him in a while but they’d spent many years together.

He looked at her sheepishly. “Forgive me for prying but I noticed you seem to sneak off a lot. Figured I would keep an eye out for you. Lunch is nearly over, we should go.”

If Donal knew she was sneaking off then he probably wasn’t the only one who had noticed.

“Thank you, Donal. Let’s go.”

***

The questioning after lunch was a bit above her head, as her father took over questioning Lord Samwell. She didn’t understand half of the questions her father asked and hardly any of them seemed related to the trial at hand. It wasn’t until her father made a subtle accusation about his own brother's death that any of it made sense to her. Her father was persecuting the man for decades old crimes. He didn’t even bother with the pretense of pretending to be here for her.

While Shanda did not understand the confrontation happening, the rest of the court was tuned in attentively. It just made her more upset, demonstrating that it didn’t matter what year it was or who was involved. They would always be fighting over something. All of the lords and ladies not involved would just eat the stories of atrocities up, just as bloodthirsty as them. That’s why the gods had forsaken the riverlands, careless people who played with lives like they were nothing.

She looked around the room making out familiar faces of people she hadn’t seen in years. It was sad to think they were all together again under these circumstances. She wished they were all gathered here for a hunt or maybe even a tourney. Just here to have fun and enjoy a leisurely time. They would all make jokes and sneak out at night to run through the trees. She could see that life so clearly, no resentment or quarrels besides maybe the occasional petty drama. It would be as easy as breathing and no blood would flow forth to stain them enemies.

“You killed my mother!”

The sound of Royce’s angry cry caught her attention. At some point her brother had ventured onto the floor to join her father. He looked near the verge of tears as he pointed an accusing finger at the lord. Shanda frantically met Martyn’s eyes across the room. She saw the same fear reflected back on his face that she felt. This was their worst nightmare being realized. It was a serious accusation that Royce was making and it couldn’t be backed up.

Sighing heavily, heart in her throat, Shanda stood to make her way to the floor. She felt as if she had jumped from a very tall height as she moved. She felt weightless and scared. She knew she would have to deny this crime, to side with her enemy to avoid Royce starting something he could not finish.

“That’s not true, Royce.” She said loud enough for the crowd to hear her and then she faced Lord Elmo. “We all know the facts of my mother’s death. Where she was found and by whom. Nothing there then or now has ever indicated a culprit.”

“You feel guilty because she left on an errand for you.” He spat back at her. “But I did nothing wrong and I know the Blackwoods killed her!”

“You don’t know anything little brother!” She exploded back.

If the riverlands had been locked in before, now they were practically salivating in their seats.

“You don’t have any proof.” She said quieter than before. “There’s no proof of who killed her-“

“And yet they kill our men in the disputed lands, what’s to say our mother didn’t meet the same fate?”

Shanda’s shoulders slumped, she let her eyes close for a moment. They’d been over this already. What could he possibly hope to gain by bringing it up here? If this issue progressed into its own trial she knew it would be by combat. And that her angry impulsive little brother would die. She could not let that happen, no matter how much pain he was bringing her.

“And yet the men as of late come back alive do they not brother? I stand here, alive and unharmed. Do you think that’s indicative of a people who would kill an unarmed lady on the King’s road?”

Mutters went up around the court. And Shanda felt the last chance for escape slipping out of her reach.

“You’re defending them?” Her brother turned to face her, his expression disgusted.

“I am saving you.” She whispered only for him to hear.

“I do not believe the Blackwoods were involved in the death of my mother.” She said loud enough for the court to hear.

It was pandemonium from there. Several of her brothers were up on their feet converging on her, shouting the whole time. She couldn’t hear them though, she only heard her father as he leaned in to speak.

“Pity that you were born a girl for your own sake. Lucky for your brothers.”

By then Benjicot had reached her and was escorting her out of the crowd of Brackens clustered around her, furious. The shouts were a dull thrum in the background as she heard her fathers words repeat over and over inside her mind.

What did he mean by that? Lucky that she had managed to derail Royce’s suicidal attempt to avenge their mothers name? She didn’t know but as they moved further through the crowd, she realized Benjicot was talking to her.

“-ay. Don’t worry about it. You’ve done it now though I’m sure you know that.”

He was walking so quickly he was nearly dragging her alongside him as the moved through the halls towards her room.

“What? I didn’t hear what you said. Can you slow down please?”

He didn’t listen to her at all, if anything he walked even faster. Before long they arrived at her room and he opened the door before pushing her inside. He followed behind her, shutting the door.

“You didn’t have to do that.” He said, running a hand through his hair.

She didn’t look at him as she took a seat at the table across the room. “Royce would’ve demanded a trial by combat.” Her voice was dull. “You would’ve killed him. He couldn’t even cut my head off, he’s no shot at yours.”

She wished she had a flagon of wine for once but was relieved not to have access to it. Lord Elmo had been incredibly stingy with his wine stores and she knew it was because they were all volatile enough without the spirits.

Benjicot joined her at the table, sitting across from her.

“Even though they’ll take it as a sign that the marriage idea might work?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes I want my brother to live more than I don’t want to marry you. But only just so. Besides, who’s to say you won’t die in battle some day and save me the trouble of dealing with you.”

He laughed at that, a golden sound that lit up her insides.

“I’m not going to die anytime soon. Or have you forgotten my ‘bloodthirsty’ nature as you put it? A savage like me, I’ll die an old man.” He winked at her.

“Do you think we’ll still be doing this in another century? Killing each other and going to court to settle petty dramas?”

He reached across the table to grab her hand. “Not if I have anything to say about it. I wouldn’t be a very good husband if I started killing your family, would I? No, I want my children to have all their aunts and uncles present. Two sets of grandparents and a happy mother.”

Shanda felt warm inside as she looked into his eyes, her face burning under his stare. She pulled her hand back from him, looking away quickly.

“You should go.”

She refused to meet his eyes as he left and waited for his departure before she breathed again. She slumped against the table, lightly banging her head against it.

The riverlands were cursed.

[stitching-in-time]

Voyager rewatch s2 ep26: Basics pt 1

Voyager's first season finale cliffhanger! While I hated cliffhangers back in the day (waiting months to find out what happened was not fun, let me tell you) I think this one was pretty good in general, and it certainly set up some very high stakes to be resolved in the next season opener.

I'm not a fan of the Seska baby plot, and I honestly don't see how they wouldn't have figured out it was a trick, but I guess suspension of disbelief is required here. If I were Janeway, I'd never risk my entire ship to go rescue some baby who's most likely not even in any danger, but I guess when someone tells you they love you, it puts you in a weird bind where you kind of have to give them leeway to go back for the kid they didn't want with the Cardassian spy you both hate. (But yet, no such concern for the Threshold lizard babies- why didn't they go back for them??? Huh??? Why are Cardassian babies so much more important than lizard babies?? Answer me that, Kathryn! And I see Commander 'fuck them kids' Chakotay whistles a different tune when it's his unwanted space children they want to leave behind! Dude really hates Tom Paris that much, doesn't he?? What did he ever do to you, Chakotay?? I'm joking, but also a little bit serious.)

We get some Suder scenes, where, thanks to his mind meld with Tuvok, he's now just a weird ass dude obsessed with gardening, which, somehow, makes him even creepier.

If you ignore how stupid the actual plot itself is, the rest of the episode, where they try to figure out a way through Kazon space, and come up with ingenious ways of tricking the Kazon into thinking they have more ships, is actually pretty interesting stuff. (It could have done without the zany gag of accidentally projecting the Doctor into space in the middle of the battle- the whole episode has been pretty serious, and it was a little too incongrous to stick a silly gag in there while shit is otherwise getting very real.)

The part where the Kazon take over the ship is pretty hair raising stuff, I don't think we'd ever seen anyone capture a Starfleet ship on screen before. It definitely did not need the gross gendered violence thrown in there though- a bad guy hitting a Starfleet captain on their own ship is enough to show villiany, we didn't need the 'you're just a woman, shut up' bs in there too, that was just gratuitous misogyny. We've already established the Kazon are misogynists, there was absolutely no reason to put it in there. And did they really have to have Seska making a false rape accusation? The misogynist trope that women just go around making false rape accusations to get what they want is only bolstered by stuff like this, and it's harmful and unnecessary. We already know that Seska is bad, they didn't need to add that at all. (And anyway, a patriarchal society like the Kazon probably wouldn't even care or believe her, so they should have made up another reason for Cullah to want the kid.)

Leaving the crew stranded on a planet with no Voyager, no tech, a bunch of volcanos, some possibly unfriendly natives, AND a large snakey-dragony creature looming in the background seems almost like overkill in terms of having enough peril to place them in, but I'll go with it. Everything moved along at a good pace, and having the ship stolen is a hell of a cliffhanger. Seeing the Kazon fly Voyager away from her crew is deeply sad, and you know seeing that would have just lit a fire in Janeway and company to work even harder to get it back. And they do have a small sliver of hope of rescue- Tom Paris is out there in a shuttle, which was presumed, but not confirmed, to be destroyed (because of course Tom volunteered to fly a shuttle through a space battle to go back and get help) and Suder is still on board, having hidden in the vents when the Kazon takeover, and he said he wants to do something for the ship, so he's probably gonna fall back on what he knows best: murder! But like, its for a good cause this time- he's gonna kill those Kazon and present them to Janeway llke a cat bringing it's owner a dead mouse lol.

So yeah, even though I had a few issues in this ep, it's still an edge of your seat cliffhanger where you have to see what happens next.

Tl;dr: Some questionable story choices, but done with enough panache that it compels you to find out what happens in the second part asap.

[veerojaskhanna]

Review: Rocky Aur Rani Kii Prem Kahaani

It’s been a while since I saw a solid, sumptuous ‘hindi picture’ — the kind that makes you whistle in the seats, out-sing the sound system, and dance in the aisles. I walked into Rocky Aur Rani kii Prem Kahaani expecting anything but that, since the promos had convinced me that Karan Johar had taken a sharp left into the David Dhawan school of filmmaking. Much to my surprise, the film delivered on all those characteristics, and delivered something even those ‘hindi pictures’ rarely do - it was up to date. It’s always interesting to see a filmmaker take a look back his(or her) own filmography, and see what they felt they need to change; Sooraj Barjatya had done it with Uunchai just last year, and failed miserably. Unfortunately, more often than not, this relook starts off with great gumption and falls prey to habit somewhere along the way. We are all victims of habit, hoping to transform into better, more mature, more self aware people. Johar uses this transformation as a narrative trope in this film, and maneuvers it with a lightness of touch that hints at his own self awareness. He challenges a lot of the problems his earlier films had(fatphobia, misogyny, homophobia). A replay of the “keh diya na, bas keh diya” quip from K3G had me and several others in my audi wolf-whistling. Through the film, we see transformations — characters explaining their mistakes, promising to reform, and changing into better people. In his older films, this transformation was spurred on by astronomical difficulty - in K3G, Shah Rukh Khan had go into a ten-year-log exile before Amitabh Bachchan would ask a for forgiveness with fairly gaslight-ey undercurrents; in My Name is Khan, it took a hurricane for Kajol to realise her love for Shah Rukh Khan and apologise. But though delayed, those transformations were always instant. Here, it’s simple - a monologue may unveil hidden reservoirs of confidence in characters, but they undergo full arcs before they can express themselves freely, making transformations seem neither arbitrary or abrupt. Beware though, because by the time Rani delivers speech number eight(I counted) to a character about how they must break free of the patriarchy, I was ready to throw hands. The self-referencing is also turned into a narrative trope (you can spot a reference a minute). There are countless callbacks to old films and old songs - my favourites being a callback to Abhi Na Jao Chhodkar from Hum Dono, which left me as full of awe as when Pankaj Kapur had used it in Mausam; and a character announcing her freedom by singing Aaj Phir Jeene Ki Tamanna Hai from Guide. It made me so happy that after years of self-referencing himself in films like I Hate Luv Storys, Shaandaar and Dostana, Karan Johar has learnt the difference between winking and wanking at us. The references serve a purpose beyond pure nostalgia. The older ones invoke a softer, more romantic time, without dating the film. Even the newer, more light-hearted references serve a purpose - the use of Aaja Meri Gaadi Mein Baith Ja adds to Rocky’s West Delhi/Greater Gurgaon persona. I found myself chuckling at the use of Meri Pyaari Bindu from Padosan in the Namit Das track. The only reference they could have done without was the use of Suno Suno Miss Chatterjee in a romantic moment which needed more softness, and less foot-tapping. This invoking of the past is reflected in the writing as well - the characters don’t converse with each other. they speak in dialogue. Characters say things like “Nazar kharab aapki aur pardah kare hum?” and “Aapne mujhe sanskaar nahin diye, ahankar diya hai”. They have so much swagger, you can taste them. The showdowns in the film are satisfyingly melodramatic, and one would expect no less - characters are engaged in such over-the-top conflict that the skies thunder in disapproval. Unfortunately though, the same drama was missing in the songs. Tum Kya Mile and Ve Kamleya are beautiful melodies(even if terrifyingly banal in their arrangement), but Dhindora Baaje Re, which plays out as a pivot for the story just pre-climax was upsettingly underwhelming and insipid. It may not have worked in Pritam’s favour that we hear his music in the same sitting as some of the most memorable tunes from Hindi films. As for the performances, they were just outstanding - Ranveer and Alia both pull off two very difficult things - Ranveer plays an outlandish, uncouth, near repulsive character while endearing us to him, and Alia shows us both her condescention/amusement at Rocky and her endearment to him. I think Ranveer will get more praise for his character - it’s the kind of character that shouts out at you to tell you how well the actor is acting, but Alia does a better job — Rani is put in situations which call for ‘dialoguebaazi’ but nothing seems contrived or put-on. I was particularly impressed by a scene where she comes up with a solution for a problem in Rocky’s family business, but does so without the magic-wand waving of a Hrishikesh Mukherjee character. Instead, she plays the line with an undercurrent of surprise - as though she came upon the answer by accident. As for the million dollar question - do the leads share chemistry? The answer is a resounding YES. They share chemistry, and more importantly, comfort. It’s not the electric kind(like SRK-Kajol in all those other KJo films or Ranbir-Anuska in Ae Dil). Alia and Ranveer just fit. They share an easy comfort with each other, and we understand that they are meant to be with each other, because they make each other happy, and sometimes, it’s just that simple. The supporting cast is also stellar - Shabana Azmi, Tota Roy Chaudhury, Churni Ganguly, Aamir Bashir, Kshitee Jog and Anjali Anand are such fun. I did, however want to check on Dharmendra, who seemed like the light was going to go out of his eyes any minute. Jaya Bachchan seemed to be borrowing her mannerisms from Chacha Choudhary comics and Amrish Puri, trembling in anger and staring into the distance while delivering heavy duty dialogues. The film does justify this bigness and melodrama to a great extent though. There are no normal locations, normal clothes and normal people in this world, only magic. Johar’s idea of a chandni chowk akhara is laughable, but the colours are so vibrant and the lights so bright that you go along for the ride. Why complain about the lack of realism when you are being treated to some of the most beautiful people and places on film? There are enough things to complain about - the bengali family was annoyingly free of fault(something I’m sure all the Bhadralok had no problem with); I found the Shabana-Dharmendra track unconvincing and problematic, even though it was charming; and the Dhindora Baaje Re sequence was a bit too flashy for my liking - but all in all, Rocky Aur Rani is the best thing I did with three hours in my day, and I left the cinema hall with my heartbeat thudding in my ears, my soul nourished and my love for hindi cinema replenished.

[homopsychology]

Ways to help if your loved ones are caught up in gender ideology

I was reading about ex-conspiracy theorists and how they got out of their rabbit holes and so much of their experiences resonate with my time identifying as trans and being involved in gender ideology. I know a lot of women have loved ones caught up in the trans movement and I found this post on Reddit about helping Q Anon believers out of their ideas and a lot of it can apply to gender ideology. I’ve adapted the advice outlined in the post about conspiracy theorists to fit trans-identified people and others who are caught up in gender ideology.

 1. Common negative emotions trans-identified people suffer from: Fear, Anger, Helplessness, Hopelessness, Frustration, Delusion. Yes, mostly what you see is pig headed arrogance, that's certainly present, but there is so much negative mental baggage that goes with getting involved in the trans community and taking on this identity. Trans people are constantly told that their life expectancy is 30 years old and that they are highly likely to face physical violence. Realize that behind the obsession, arrogance, and certainty is a lot of repressed fear and hurt. There’s also a lot of emotional problems and insecurities that lead people to identifying as trans, such as internalized misogyny or seeking attention and approval from peers.

2. Help them focus on the here and now that matters. Practicing mindfulness and connecting with oneself does help foster a healthier mindset and a better connection with the real world. Many people who are deeply involved in gender ideology are disconnected from their daily lives (hence our jokes about them being unhygienic), so encouraging them to focus on what’s right in front of them can help them regain their sense of self and control. Gender dysphoria (whether rapid-onset or not) also leads to sense of disconnection with one’s body. Helping them connect to themselves and the world can alleviate their distress and bring them closer to themselves.

3. Try not to get to engage with them too much on trans topics. If the trans person in your life starts going on about gender ideology, just politely reply and go straight back to whatever you were doing. This makes you a stable place for them if/when they move beyond gender ideology. This might be a trickier one to handle if you have a trans-identified person in your life who expects you to validate them. In that case, it might be easier to listen with compassion. I do think that remaining a place of stability will make it easier for your loved one to discard gender ideology because they know you will still be there for them.

4. Realize you likely can't argue the trans-identified person out of their beliefs. This is the hardest thing to admit. The trans community has created an Us/Them narrative of the world with trans people and their allies on one side, and then TERFs and transphobes on the other. People often build their lives, identities, and sense of self around identifying as trans. Being trans also provides a community that your trans person might hold dear. Attacking their beliefs head on will be met with excuses and rationalizations, but likely not honest introspection. My peak trans moment was brought on by tiny moments of doubt that built up over time, not by straight forward critique of my beliefs. The moment someone tried to discredit trans ideology, I would shut down and become defensive. However, don’t think that you challenging trans ideology in small ways isn’t helpful. Those challenges become little pockets of doubt that remain hidden until the person is comfortable confronting the inconsistencies of their views.

5. Explore their doubts. Maybe there is something that your trans-identified person doesn't understand, or doesn't make sense. What is it? Asking questions is not the same as confronting and if done well might have a chance to crack some of their ideas. This is a big way to break down belief in the trans movement. For the general ideology, asking about cases like Barbie Kardashian and Jonathan Yaniv can help. Bring up transracialism. Of course, also asking “what is a woman/man?” is useful. For trans-identified people, here is a thread on the detrans subreddit that discusses useful questions. I particularly liked “What does it mean to "feel like" a man or a woman? Do you think the other gender never has those feelings? If someone of the other gender had the same feelings, would it make them trans even if they were perfectly happy in their birth gender? If it wouldn't, why not?” “If you could change anything, but NOT your primary or secondary sex characteristics, what would you change?” and “If the whole world went genderblind, what would you change or explore?”

6. Love them, be there for them, but set boundaries. If nothing above works, you need to protect yourself, and manage the potential damage and fallout on the relationship. If it's taking a toll on you, you may need to make it clear that you just can't engage with them about this anymore.

7. Recognize and call out Thought Terminating Cliches. This is a phrase or sentence used to prevent the mind from scrutinizing its own beliefs. Common in religions and cults. Examples: Trans women are women. A woman is anyone who says they are a woman. Etc. These are everywhere in the trans movement.

I hope this helps in someway! Let me know if there's anything I should add or clarify. I know from my family and friends how emotionally exhausting it is to deal with a trans-identified person, so please take care of yourself. Best of luck to you!

[buriedinbaltimore]

so tell me about the cyberpunk au 👀 lmao okay i want to know about the mary/nathan jewish mafia!

Mean!! I will attempt a summary though lol.

So the cyberpunk au was supposed to be for the reverse big bang, but life fucked me up and I couldn’t write it in time. I am cowriting it with the amazing lizzy @wishbonetea, maybe you’ve heard of them? They designed a fucking cool as shit companion website that delves into the world of the Foxes, a group of hackers founded by Kayleigh Day, who are working to bring down the Moriyama Corporation, who own and control the internet. Moriyama Corp also controls the production of replicants, genetically engineered synthetic humans who are used as slave labor. Neil Josten and his mother ran away from his cult leader father 10 years ago and have been using a unique nanotechnology that Mary developed to hide themselves in a world where everyone is under constant surveillance. After Mary is killed, Neil discovers the Foxes and their community of people forging their own way of life, hidden from Moriyama Corp. Neil soon realizes there is more for him at the Palmetto Commune than a place to hide from his father, and that his mother was once more involved in the resistance than he ever could have imagined.

((there is so much going on in this story, wow!))

The Mary/Nathan Jewish Mafia wip is something I haven’t looked at in a while, but is very personal for me. Basically, it’s my take on Mary’s origin story, and how she and Nathan fell in love. I headcanon Mary and Nathan as jewish. The Hatford family were very orthodox, and Mary’s father used religion as an excuse to abuse and control Mary and her mother. Mary grew up resenting Judaism and God and when she finally escaped to America she had a journey of rejecting everything she grew up being told, and then coming to terms with what she really believed in and what she wanted to hold on to. Nathan I imagine as being a very secular jew, his parents were not religious either, and Mary finds his perspective incredibly interesting. They end up falling in love, and Mary’s family are actually how Nathan gets started in organized crime, because he was kinda just bumbling around but Mary’s father decided if that if he was going to marry his daughter he’d need to be able to provide (also open up opportunities for the Hatfords in America). But Nathan quickly rises up the ranks and eventually shakes the crime world up by starting his own “family” that isn’t dependent on shared ethnicity with himself at the head.

I’m gonna add a read more for why its so personal to me, and throw in a cw for a mention of child sexual abuse and discussions of misogyny and intergenerational trauma. (I’m not really sure how to label it, but if you need more clarification please ask)

Growing up, my mother never had a good relationship with her mom, and when I got older I found out that she was sexually abused as a child and her parents basically did nothing about it. Then when my mom was 15 years old, her mom started setting her up on dates with her coworkers. There was a pattern of sexual assault throughout my moms life, up until she met my dad. Her parents were neglectful and horrible, and when I found out about all of this I could not imagine how or why my mom continued any relationship with them at all.

I learned more about my grandma’s upbringing through my 2nd cousins. It turns out, her father (my great grandfather) was in the Jewish mob. I heard stories about the FBI coming to their house in Brooklyn, and them finding a gun in a storage unit. He was abusive to all his children, but especially his daughters. My grandma has repressed most of her own memories about her childhood, but from what I could gleam from family members it was extremely messed up. She learned, and taught to my mom, that women basically exist to serve men. Any reaction a man has to you is your responsibility, if you turn him on, it’s your fault, if you upset him, its your fault. You need to be a good girl and cater to the whims of the men in your life, and they are never at fault.

My mom has been through some therapy, and she decided she wanted her children to have grandparents, even if her own relationship with her parents was strained. I respect her choice, and I understand that my grandma has been through things I can never understand. Still, I don’t forgive her for how she treated my mom, and I do blame her. She is still my grandma and she is still in our lives, but learning to live with the complex feelings I have about her was a struggle and I continue to struggle with it.

And one of the hardest parts was recognizing how my mother’s trauma and her mother’s trauma contributed to my own. My sister’s and I occasionally discuss how it’s affected us, and especially our relationships with men, whether they are romantic, platonic, or even professional.

This fic was one way I tired to make sense of all those complicated feelings of pity and anger and guilt and disgust. It is a huge mess and idk if it’ll ever be something publishable, but its therapeutic if nothing else.

[picnic-at-dreaming-rock]

Top 5 New Books of 2020

A round up of the top 5 new books that I have read this year, full 2020 reading list found here

Warning for possible spoilers below the cut.

Please Don’t Hug Me - Kay Kerr

Erin is looking forward to Schoolies, at least she thinks she is. But things are not going to plan. Life is getting messy, and for Erin, who is autistic, that’s a big problem. She’s lost her job at Surf Zone after an incident that clearly was not her fault. Her driving test went badly even though she followed the instructions perfectly. Her boyfriend is not turning out to be the romantic type. And she’s missing her brother, Rudy, who left almost a year ago.

But now that she’s writing letters to him, some things are beginning to make just a tiny bit of sense.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I cannot stress enough how much I love this book. Growing up as an autistic teen girl, I really lack a lot of representation, both real and fictional, and this books is a huge step forward in remedying that. Written by an autistic woman (yes, this is an #ownvoices novel!), Please Don’t Hug Me shows autism in a new and beautiful light as to what is most commonly shown. Erin is no genius savant that is only autistic when plot relevant or has a lack of social skills used only for comedic relief, but instead a encapsulation of the ordinary and everyday autistic experience of just wanting to get through the day with as little meltdowns as possible while still maintaining your neurotypical facade.

The Dictionary of Lost Words - Pip Williams

In 1901, the word bondmaid was discovered missing from the Oxford English Dictionary. This is the story of the girl who stole it.

Motherless and irrepressibly curious, Esme spends her childhood in the Scriptorium, a garden shed in Oxford where her father and a team of lexicographers are gathering words for the very first Oxford English Dictionary.

Esme’s place is beneath the sorting table, unseen and unheard. One day, she sees a slip containing the word bondmaid flutter to the floor unclaimed. Esme seizes the word and hides  it in an old wooden trunk that belongs to her friend, Lizzie,  a young servant in the big house. Esme begins to collect other words from the Scriptorium that are misplaced, discarded or have been neglected by the dictionary men. They help her make sense of the world.

Over time, Esme realises that some words are considered more important than others, and that words and meanings relating to women’s experiences often go unrecorded. She begins to collect words for another dictionary: The Dictionary of Lost Words.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

One of my favourite parts about this novel is how perfectly it showed both misogyny and classism/elitism, and how they intertwined. Although it is set in the mid/late 19th century and early 20th century, there is this sense of relatability to it that I think I lot of people might be able to recognise. Williams deals with a lot topics that I don’t often see in other media, such as menstruation without fancy allusions or making it into anything other than what it is, pregnancy out-of-wedlock without it being seen as a character flaw on the woman’s part, and showing characters one might consider like a hag or spinster to be good people worth celebrating because of things that deem them lesser rather than despite it or not at all. One main criticism I do have with this book, however, is how it seems like William just adds tragedy for the sake of moving the plot forward/to add shock value or drama. I will admit, it did get me crying at some parts, it did get a little tedious and lack-luster to have the last half of the novel just be death after life-altering event after death after life-altering event. 

The Book Thief - Markus Zusak

It is 1939. Nazi Germany. The country is holding its breath. Death has never been busier, and will be busier still.

By her brother's graveside, Liesel's life is changed when she picks up a single object, partially hidden in the snow. It is The Gravedigger's Handbook, left behind there by accident, and it is her first act of book thievery. So begins a love affair with books and words, as Liesel, with the help of her accordian-playing foster father, learns to read. Soon she is stealing books from Nazi book-burnings, the mayor's wife's library, wherever there are books to be found.

But these are dangerous times. When Liesel's foster family hides a Jew in their basement, Liesel's world is both opened up, and closed down.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

I read this book for my advanced literature class earlier this year and it was a great choice on the schools part. Everyone in my class enjoyed it, even if a lot of us were crying by the end of the novel. The book itself is rich with literary techniques that enrich the actual reading if you are one of those people that like to dissect what they read. I think Zusak made a really good choice with having Death narrate, as well as how he tied in his own experiences/interjections in these mini vignette-type extracts which I found really enhanced both the overall atmosphere and environment. The only qualm I have is that there were a lot of questions left unanswered that made the story feel somewhat empty.

Picnic at Hanging Rock - Joan Lindsay

It was a cloudless summer day in the year nineteen hundred.

Everyone at Appleyard College for Young Ladies agreed it was just right for a picnic at Hanging Rock. After lunch, a group of three of the girls climbed into the blaze of the afternoon sun, pressing on through the scrub into the shadows of Hanging Rock. Further, higher, till at last they disappeared.

They never returned.

Whether Picnic at Hanging Rock is fact or fiction the reader must decide for themselves.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

I watched the Foxtel miniseries first a couple years and thoroughly enjoyed it and sought out the novel very quickly afterwards. I will be honest, I picked the novel up first around 2018/19 and dropped it until earlier this year when I reread/finished it and loved it. Lindsay’s ability to create this perfect and constant juxtaposition between the natural Australian bush and the intruding colonialism is really amazing and adds this interesting aesthetic that the academia community on this site seems to enjoy. There is also a really interesting dynamic between the female characters (which is most of the characters, to be fair) and they feel complete and authentic, something that doesn’t always exist in other works of literature. There is also one canon queer character, but there is so much subtext in the novel for so many other characters that it feels purposeful. All in all, this is the gayest straight book I ever read.  

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes - Suzanne Collins

It is the morning of the reaping that will kick off the tenth annual Hunger Games. In the Capital, eighteen-year-old Coriolanus Snow is preparing for his one shot at glory as a mentor in the Games. The once-mighty house of Snow has fallen on hard times, its fate hanging on the slender chance that Coriolanus will be able to outcharm, outwit, and outmaneuver his fellow students to mentor the winning tribute.

The odds are against him. He's been given the humiliating assignment of mentoring the female tribute from District 12, the lowest of the low. Their fates are now completely intertwined -- every choice Coriolanus makes could lead to favor or failure, triumph or ruin. Inside the arena, it will be a fight to the death. Outside the arena, Coriolanus starts to feel for his doomed tribute... and must weigh his need to follow the rules against his desire to survive no matter what it takes.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

The Hunger Games was one of the series in primary school that rocked my literary world (joining the ranks of The Great Brain, Harry Potter and The Books of Beginning) and helped inspire my love of reading, and when I heard about a prequel I was over the moon with nostalgia. I found it a couple days after its release at Target for $16 and I loved it. I finished it in about a week and I could barely put it down. I loved reading how the hunger games came to be and how they ended up the way they were, as well as advancing Collins’ previously established and incredible world building. The book also adds upon the themes in the original trilogy of government corruption, classism, elitism, individualism and propaganda, but from those that benefit from it (e.g. Snow) instead of those that suffer (e.g. Katniss). I have seen some criticism from people about not liking it being from Snow’s perspective but I personally think that it was the perfect choice, as no other character’s story would be able to add to the story in such a meaningful way.

[schrijverr]

Take the New Texas out of a boy

Jonny still carries a lot of internalized biases and prejudices against himself from growing up in New Texas, which wasn’t progressive. Aboard the Aurora he undergoes a journey of self-discovery in a safe space.

This started as ‘Ooh, wait! What if Jonny wears a corset’ and it somehow ended up as ‘Jonny deals with internalized homophobia, internalized misogyny and self esteem issues, figures out his gender expression, which finally leads to a Jonny centric polycule’ 

On AO3

Ships: Jonny/ Tim, Ashes, Marius and Brian, but the focus ismore focused on the frienship between Jonny & Ashes & Tim while he discovers himself

Wanrings: homophobia, internalized homophobia, internalized misogyny and self esteem issues. Tell me if I missed anything else!

~~~~~~~~~~~

New Texas was many things, well that was not true, New Texas was barely anything at all really, but one of the things that it most certainly wasn’t, was progressive.

The backwater asteroid that claimed to be a planet with potential for life was nothing, but filled with rot and people who would never be more than the dust on their clothes and the smoke in their lungs, who would rather see you dead for being different.

Jonny had never fit in there.

He’d always known he was different, as cliché as that might seem. He wanted more than getting drunk in a casino, playing away his last bit of money so that he could forever be enslaved by the casino boss to become a killer for hire.

That wasn’t for him. He did it out of necessity, but it wasn’t the end goal. Once he would have enough, he would get out of there. He hadn’t figured out how or to where, but he would not rot between these people.

The first moment he’d realized that, was when Henry from the mill had been hung on top of his own propellers. He’d heard that they’d found out he’d tried to pay another man for services, if you knew what they were saying. Apparently it hadn’t gone over well with the other guy.

Jonny had seen the man hanging there, swaying in the wind and a fear had gripped his heart.

You see, just the day before Jonny had been trying to come up with a good way to tell Ronny that he thought he was pretty, well, pretty. He didn’t know why the other boy got his heart racing, but he did and Jonny, being a naive youngster, wanted to do something about it.

Henrys death had quickly discouraged him from that. He still wanted to hold Ronnys hand, but it wasn’t worth dying over and when he’d started to pay attention to his fathers drunken rambling afterwards, he knew who would be the first to do him in for that.

So, he resolved to get out of there to a place where he could hold Ronnys hand if he wanted to. He knew it was probably futile, but it was a dream he clung to when things got too hard.

His resolve strengthened after he sold his life to Jack and his famous casino.

Jacks casino was famous not only because it was the only one in town, but also because Jack had show girls. The only ones there were no other bar where you could see them, Jack made sure of that, they were good for business after all.

They would be decked out with feathers, fishnets, tiny slips and corsets all on high heels. And Jonny adored them. Whenever he would need to be in Jacks casino, whether it was to deliver something or to get new orders, he would stare dreamily at them dancing.

Most of the patrons made fun of him for being in love with the show girls and Jonny would tell them to piss off, pretending they knew the truth.

The real truth was that Jonny wasn’t in love with them. No, they couldn’t be further away from his type. He was, however, in love with their outfits.

He dreamed of how the fishnets would hug his legs and how the corset would make him delicate and how whoever saw him would be taken aback by his beauty like the men in the casino were with the show girls.

Jonny knew that was a futile dream.

He’d heard from many different mouths that he wasn’t really appealing to look at and he was also slowly resigning himself to being stuck on New Texas forever, the idea of getting away only further out of reach with each passing day.

But with the arrival of a Doctor that idea suddenly seemed so weird.

She took him with her, but with how she twisted him and made him into her puppet there wasn’t really time to explore his newfound freedom away from home.

He tried to fight against every new member, but it wasn’t enough. She never stopped until he got rid of her, not that he’ll ever admit it was him. And he could never forget her either.

By the time she was gone a status quo had arisen on board of the Aurora. Jonny had automatically situated himself in a position from where he could fight. He was the though one, the first one, the one who would take the blows. Effectively shutting himself off from any chance to be dainty or delicate.

His new friends were more accepting, though. Ashes was respected, no questions asked, Nastya was allowed to be herself with her girlfriend and any comment made by the others about hot people of the opposite gender, were barely even blinked at.

Jonnys heart felt lighter with that, although he would always catch himself before he could say something. The fear of a lifetime still deeply ingrained in his mind.

After a few centuries the others had picked up on it and Ashes had laughed: “Hey, Jonny, it’s not a crime to be straight. If you’re feeling too awkward to comment, ‘cause of us, feel free. Don’t worry. Marius is also allowed to make comments about girls as well as the blokes.”

“Uh, what? No- huh, I don’t- I’m not-” Jonny had cleverly responded, so taken aback by it.

“Oh that’s okay too, Jonny.” Tim had smiled at him and it wasn’t mentioned again.

Jonny was glad no one expected anything of him, even if he felt guilty about pretending to be someone he was not. But he’d done it his entire life, what were a few millennia more?

But then he got more comfortable over the course of time and after a while the lie weighed too heavily on him, so he’d awkwardly called together the crew. Most of them were raising his brow at him and when he’d struggled for a couple of minutes, Ashes said: “Just spit it out, man.”

He took a deep breath: “I’m not, uhm, I’m not aroace. I’m g- I’m gay…” he rushed to add: “I’m sorry I know I should’ve said it when you all assumed, but I just didn’t- I couldn’t and then it was too late and it was nice to not have expectations, but then I felt bad and I really did want to tell you, but it never seemed to be the time and-”

“Breathe, Jonny.” he got interrupted by Brian, “It’s alright.”

“Really?” Jonny asked, still a bit fearful.

“Yeah,” Tim smiled and cheered, “one of us!”

Ashes pushed him over and said: “Already was, dumbass.”

“I know, but I meant it as one of me and Brian, you know.” Tim agreed.

“We shouldn’t have assumed, god knows us of all people shouldn’t have and you shouldn't feel guilty about waiting until you were ready.” Brian told Jonny with a gentle smile.

Carefully Jonny smiled back and was promptly tackled into a hug from Marius and Raphaella, who had snuck up behind him. Laughing while taking him down to the ground.

After that life continued as normal. The first time Jonny had made a comment about a guy, he’d looked around with fear, only relaxing when Tim smirked: “Well spotted! You should go up to him.”

Jonny had frantically shaken his head. Just making the comment had been scary enough, the idea of actually putting himself out there with people he didn’t know was too much.

“Okay, no problem.” Tim assured him quickly, “Do you mind if I do?”

“No, go ahead.” Jonny had squeaked, watching as Tim chatted the guy up and moments later disappeared with a wink over his shoulder.

A bit of jealousy crept over Jonnys spine and he didn’t know what he was more jealous off. The fact that Tim would be getting laid or the fact that Tim had the confidence to walk up to someone like that while knowing he could get murdered for it.

They couldn't die, of course. Jonny knew that, but the fear was still there and he didn’t think his heart could take it, despite the strong metal it was made of.

As the years passed he got more comfortable, however, until he could flirt like he’d always wanted to when he watched men at the casino try to get a free drink from the bartender with the tiny low cut shirt and the red lipped smirk.

But while he was living one of his dreams, there still was another he kept hidden.

His mind often wondered back to the show girls with their corsets, especially when he saw a dolled up boy on a planet they were visiting or dancers, like back home, in a club. His fingers would itch to try for himself, but he couldn’t.

Jonny d’Ville was a macho man.

He liked violence and weapons, he swore like, well, like a sailor. He was masculine and tried to project that as much as possible. It was a defense, he knew it was, but he didn’t know how he could break that wall down.

Still, he allowed a wistful gaze to linger on display windows, but only after checking if no one could see.

It was doomed to fail, since everyone aboard the Aurora was much more observant than Jonny gave them credit for, so after years of catching Jonny staring out of the corner of his eye on a thousand different planets, Tim commented: “You can steal it if you like it, or buy it.”

Immediately Jonny stiffened, before snapping: “What are you on about, Tim? You think I fucking want that?”

“Well, why else would you be staring at them like they’re your star-crossed lover.” Tim rolled his eyes.

He didn’t see the shot coming, but he did hear and feel it as he collapsed to the ground, only coming to a bit later, slung over Brians shoulder with Jonny nowhere in sight. Tim knew better than to mention it again and life went on. Jonny pointedly never looking at the displays, no matter how much he wanted to.

But even if Tim never mentioned it, he did not let it go. He himself had always regretted never shooting his shot with Bertie and he used this life to never pass up again. Jonny deserved the same even if it was about something different.

So when they were planetside again, he went looking. It had to be something subtle, something believable.

At the end of the day he returned to the ship and loudly exclaimed: “Everyone gather around, here, here, come on.”

“What is it, Tim.” Ashes called out from the kitchen, where they were making themself a drink.

“I shoplifted a bunch of stuff, not really looking, just shoving shit in pockets, you know. I already filtered out what I liked, so now you can fight over the rest.” Tim explained.

“Bold of you to assume we like the same things.” Ashes replied.

“I just told you it was random, there could be stuff you like. And I have impeccable taste!” Tim defended himself.

The rest of the crew had gathered around the table where Tim had dumped a pile of stuff. Jonny was already rooting around in it and Tim waited until he had found it. Bingo, he thought when he saw Jonnys eyes light up as he pulled the gigantic belt from the pile.

He held it up to inspect it, it was brown leather a good 6 inches broad with a big golden buckle, exactly something Jonny would like and the others wouldn’t and it was something that could subtly function like a thing such as a corset, making a figure appear more feminine.

Ashes saw it and joked: “I don’t think that’s your size, Jonny.”

“Yes, it is. Fuck you.” Jonny shot them a glare.

The others were now looking as well and Marius commented: “Are you sure this was all random, Tim? That is too much Jonny to be coincidence.”

Jonnys glare now became suspicious as he turned to Tim. Tim held up his hands and said: “I swear, really. I probably took it because it was shiny.”

“Magpie.” Jonny teased.

“Like you’re one to talk.” Tim stuck out his tongue. Jonny did the same, before shoving the belt in his pocket for as much as that was possible and diving back into the pile.

Once the pile had disappeared into the hands of the crew, they set to drinking together.

The next day when all had awoken en slept off the hangover, Tim saw Jonny again. The First Mate was shooting at an octokitten, but that wasn’t important. What was important was that he was wearing the belt. It was a sitting around his waist, a bit higher than normal and it seemed like it had been pulled a hole too tight.

Tim smirked and congratulated himself on the success.

He then went to attack Jonny and save the octokitten from Jonnys violence, because even if he was sure that the critter had probably earned it, it didn’t deserve it.

After that the belt became every day attire for Jonny, so with that in mind Tim set to the next part of his plan. He again snuck off when they were on a planet, he thought Ashes was feeling the need to burn something and Nastya didn’t want that on her precious Aurora.

Coming back he again called everyone together and loudly proclaimed: “I robbed a jewelry store.”

“Since when are you such a thief? This is the second time already.” Marius asked him.

Tim shrugged: “There isn’t much else to do and I thought why not take it before it gets burned, you know. It’s a pity to let it go to waste.”

He looked back and saw Jonny poking the pile with a mixed expression on his face, like he wanted to take it, but wasn’t sure if that would be okay to do.

The others had already grabbed the few things they liked, so Tim decided it was fine before he said: “Just take them, Jonny. They’re going to be in the way otherwise and I’m sure your collection of useless shiny things is far from complete.”

Jonny looked like he was going to protest, before he deflated and grabbed all the leftover jewelry and grumbled: “It isn’t useless.”

Then it was playing the waiting game again.

It took a few weeks, but finally Jonny arrived with a few bracelets dangling around his wrist and a blush high on his face as he tried to hide them and cringed every time they clanked together.

Later he was wearing a chain around his neck and a while after that he’d filled up the holes Tim hadn’t realized were in his ears. He couldn’t know Jonny had pierced them himself just for this, of course.

Tim made sure to complement him each time he saw a piece of jewelry. The first few times Jonny had given him a wary look, but Tim had tried his best to look earnest and now he’d gotten to the point where Jonny would come up to him to show him the jewelry.

When that became normal, he waited a few more days, before laying down on the opposite couch and sighing: “I wish I could paint my nails.”

From the corner of his eyes he saw Jonny perk up, then the fake uninterested reply came: “Why can’t you?”

“I don’t wanna do it alone.” Tim pouted, “And Brian doesn’t have nails, not really, same goes for The Toy Soldier. Ashes, Ivy and Nastya don’t like me enough. I don’t trust Marius not to psychoanalyze me over it and Raphaella will turn it into some sort of experiment.”

After a beat of silence Jonny said: “You didn’t name me.”

And now came the important part. Tim sat up with a grin and concurred: “Exactly, I didn’t.”

Jonny seemed to realize what he was implying and shot up saying: “No, I’m not doing that. Don’t involve me in your dumb wishes.”

Mentally Tim rolled his eyes at Jonny, but externally he pouted: “Please, Jonny. I don’t wanna do it alone and you’re the only one who I can trust, please. I promise I’ll try my best. You can even pick a color.”

Jonny bit his lip while he thought about it. He didn’t have to think long, already having decided that this was too good of an opportunity to pass him by, and agreed: “Fine, but you so owe me after this.”

Tim cheered, before getting his stuff.

When he returned Jonny had slid off the couch and was sitting next to the small table waiting for him. He smiled at Jonny and put his nail polishes in a row, letting Jonny pick a color.

He picked black and Tim snorted. Getting defensive, Jonny snapped: “What?”

“Nothing, just expected that already.” Tim said, grabbing the silver bottle for himself and setting the rest aside.

Taking Jonnys hand, Jonny asked him: “Aren’t we doing your hands first?”

Tim shook his head: “No, you need to see how to do it first before I allow you to potentially fuck up my nails.”

“Hey, who says I’m gonna fuck it up.” Jonny exclaimed indignantly.

“Me, because you’re already not paying attention.” Tim told him.

Jonny snapped his gaze back to Tim, who had already started painting Jonnys nails. The First Mate had kept his hands still despite the protesting, something Tim found quite funny.

Soon Jonnys first coat was dry and it was his turn to try and paint Tims hands.

Tim had to fight to keep the smile at bay as he watched Jonnys brow furrow in concentration and his tongue poke out while he carefully painted Tims nails. They weren’t the best, but definitely good for a beginner. Tim told him that, not missing the small blush that appeared.

Tim was fully expecting the nail polish to be gone the next day, but to his surprise Jonny still had black nails during breakfast. Ashes saw them and commented: “Nice nails.”

Jonny froze for a second, then he replied: “Uh, thanks, Tim did them.”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to do mine alone, so I roped Jonny into it. Look!” Tim inserted himself into the conversation and showed off his nails as well.

They got some more complements and Jonny relaxed further. The nail polished stayed on until it was completely chipped away.

Up until then, Tim had acted alone in gently forcing Jonny to explore his more feminine side, but for his next part he needed help. So he went to Raphaella.

“Oh, hi Tim! What can I do for you?” she asked, removing her science goggles and setting aside her flame thrower.

“I was just wondering if something was true and since you’re our Science Officer, I thought you would be the best person to ask.” Tim told her, watching her light up at the word ‘science’.

“What is it? What is it?” she asked excitedly.

“Well, you know how some of these planets have these stupid gender rules?” Tim asked.

Raphaella nodded and he went on: “So, I was wondering how much truth there was to the heel thing, because it doesn’t seem that hard to walk on heels, but they’re out there pretending it’s only women who can do it, but I don’t know how to test that.”

Clapping her hands excitedly, she said: “Oh, I know how we can test that. It won’t be a big sample size, but Nastya and Ivy have never walked on heels, so we could pit them against two of the boys. Hm, Brian wouldn’t be a good fit and Marius has one heavier side, so it would be you and Jonny. Oh, this is going to be fun!”

“Nice, I knew I could count on you, Raph.” Tim said, “So, what do we need?”

Tapping her chin Raphaella listed: “Heels in the right sizes, all the same height too, a course to walk and, of course, willing participants.”

“I do the heels and course, you the participants?” Tim asked.

“Sounds good.” Raphaella answered.

Tim got the right parts for the course and the heels, you don’t want to know how he knew which sizes he needed, but he got them pretty easily. It was Raphaella, who was having trouble with her part.

“No, I’m not walking on fucking heels, because you’re some weirdo with some sort of shit experiment.” Jonny seethed.

“Please, Jonny.” Raphaella asked again, “Nastya, Ivy and Tim already agreed and Ashes has already put up a betting pool.”

“They did what?” Jonny shrieked.

“A betting pool. Most money is on you going flat on your face within five steps.” Raphaella told him, let it be known that Raphaella could be manipulative and she wasn’t afraid to use Jonny competitive streak against him.

“Oh that absolute asshole.” Jonny groused, “Fine, I’ll do it. Tell Ashes I want money on me being the best.”

Raphaella smiled cheerily, before skipping away with an: “I will!”

The next day their time had come. The four of the were standing at the starting line, Raphaella had a clipboard in her hands and the rest was cheering them on or trash-talking them.

It was a simple course, walk 20 feet, go down 6 steps then zigzag between four cones.

They hadn’t been allowed to practice and had to put on the heels right at the start. It was alright just standing, but Tim dreaded having to walk. Jonny was so going to owe him so hard after he told him how much he’d done for the guy.

Speaking of Jonny, he glanced over to him. Jonny had a determined look on his face, but his gaze also flicker down from time to time always softening as he admired the sleek black heels with a look of wonder and a small smile.

The signal was given and they were off.

Nastya faired pretty well, she’d been royalty and a certain amount of grace had been needed for that, Ivy on the other hand was struggling. She loved to be with her books, usually walking around barefoot so that she could feel it when she’d accidentally stepped on one.

Tim also wasn’t doing much better, his arms had turned into propellers as he wobbled and shook, he was almost certain he would not be surviving the stairs.

Next to him, Jonny was actually doing very well. No one knew that the First Mate would walk around on this tip toes, pretending to have heels on just to know what it would feel like and the force of knowing that doing good would piss Ashes off kept him walking with a straight back and minimal amounts of stumbling.

In the end both Tim and Ivy fell down the steps. Ivy broke her neck and was out of the race and Tims heel had broken off, so he’d hopped the last part.

Nastya and Jonny finished around the same time, both collapsing on the couch when they were done. Nastya immediately kicked off her heels, but Jonny kept them on, throwing his feet on the table to turn back and laugh at Tim.

Once everyone was alive and well. Raphaella came with the verdict: “It seems like gender rules around heels are baseless according to our findings here, of course, if we really wanted more concrete answers we would need to do a bigger experiment with more people, but we since we can’t really do that this will have to do.”

“Was that what this was about?” Ashes asked, “We all already knew that gender rules were stupid, no need to fucking test that.”

“It was more curiosity and personal amusement, although that didn’t really work in my favor.” Tim told them.

He got an eyeroll from them, but they seemed to find his answer acceptable. They instead turned to Jonny and asked: “Are they glued to your feet or something?”

Jonny cracked open and eyes and looked down, blushing when they saw the heels and quickly saying: “Oh, I totally forgot.”

He was about to pull them off, when Tim said: “I bet my caliber 14 laser rifle you can’t function an entire day in heels.”

His hands stilling, Jonny gave him a look and asked: “What if I loose?”

“If you loose I want the goggles you stole from Hermes, don’t lie and say you don’t have them.” Tim answered, demanding something with high enough stakes that Jonny wouldn’t call bluff, but not high enough he wouldn’t take it.

“Deal.” Jonny said, hands retreating.

“I bet he gives up after an hour.” Marius called out.

“Yeah, me too.” Nastya agreed.

“Hm, I think he can make it through the day.” Ivy mused and Brian agreed: “Yeah, I also believe he can do it.”

Ashes got up and grinned: “Wait, I’ll write the bets down.”

Tim rolled his eyes, nothing to get the crew moving than a few bets. It didn’t matter that most stuff was practically shared and that they never spend money, instead robbing stores if they wanted something.

After a while the excitement had died down and it was just Tim and Jonny together. Tim needed to keep an eye on Jonny to see if he didn’t cheat after all.

“You can’t just sit there and look at your feet the entire day, that’s also cheating.” Tim broke the silence.

Jonnys head snapped up from where he was admiring at the heels. He covered up the fact that he got startled when Tim had called him out, by crossing his arms and huffing: “That was never specified.”

“Yes, it was. You needed to function in heels and I know you’ve never just sat around for an entire day.” Tim said.

“Why do you even care so much?” Jonny asked.

“I want the goggles.” Tim said with a tone like Jonny was stupid.

Jonny frowned, but didn’t meet his eyes as he repeated: “No, I mean about all this. Why do you care so much?”

Had Tim been caught? Had Jonny realized? He decided to play dumb and asked: “I’m sorry, I don’t follow?”

“I mean about all this, about me doing all the, you know, girly stuff.” he whispered the last part as if he was afraid that if he said it louder the words would explode.

Okay, so he had caught on to what Tim was doing and Tim needed to make sure Jonny did hate him after all this. Fuck. He was never good at that sort of thing, he’d hoped Jonny would never find out until he was completely comfortable, but no such luck.

So he thought carefully about his answer, then replied: “It seemed like it was something you wanted, but you didn’t do, so I don’t know, I thought I would help, sorry.”

“No, no sorry, just why would you do that? Don’t you think that it’s weird?” Jonny asked him.

“No, I don’t think it’s weird.” Tim told him, “Why do you think it’s weird? It’s just clothes, no one here aboard cares if you want to wear something that makes you happy. You heard Ashes, gender rules are stupid.”

“Who said it made me happy.” Jonny pouted.

“You’re ignoring the question, Jonny. Besides, I have good vision, surprisingly enough, I see how you get when I convince you to do something more girly.” he used Jonnys word, thinking that feminine might not go over well.

Jonny moped for a bit and said: “I don’t think it’s weird.”

Tim sighed: “Jonny, you just asked me if I thought it was weird and something is obviously stopping you from doing it. If you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine, but you don’t get to lie and say that something isn’t stopping you.”

It was quiet for a few seconds after that, it seemed Jonny was building up the courage to tell Tim something, so Tim waited patiently until the other was ready. Taking a deep breath, Jonny said: “I saw Henry hanging, when I was little.”

“Who’s Henry?” Tim asked, confused and not expecting that answer.

“Just a guy in my town, tried to pay another guy to have sex with him, so they hung him on his own windmill. Threw away all the bread that was made with his flour too and left him hanging there until he fell.” Jonny told him, “I saw him. I think I was ‘round twelve.”

Tim suddenly remembered how scared Jonny had been to admit he liked guys, how they even thought he might be straight at one point, because he had hidden it so well. It was crazy to see how much he’d grown since then.

“That must’ve been terrible.” Tim replied, unsure how else to react.

Jonny shrugged: “Wasn’t the first body, but it did leave an expression. I think what was shittier was how my dad talked about him afterwards, you know.”

“I can see how something like that would stop you from ever trying something that wasn’t considered safe,” Tim told him, choosing his words as carefully as he’d chosen his steps I a minefield “but we all aren’t your father, Jonny. The Aurora is not New Texas. You don’t have to hide here, if you want to walk around in high heels and a skirt with bright red lips and corset then you do that.”

“Everyone will think it’s weird if I suddenly did that. They’ll think it’s a joke and laugh at me.” Jonny was close to tears at this point.

“No, they won’t. I’ll make sure of that.” Tim said, putting a arm around Jonnys shoulders in a comforting manner, allowing the First Mate to lean into him.

“Why are you so nice about this? To me?” Jonny mumbled.

Tim let out a breath and decided that Jonny deserved some honesty in return. So he said: “I loved Bertie, you know, never told him that, but I loved them. When he died, and then I died, I regretted it, but I’ve gotten a new chance at life. I promised myself to never miss an opportunity again, you also deserve to do the things you never dared when you were mortal, Jonny.”

“I’m sorry about Bertie.” Jonny told him.

“It’s alright, I made peace with it, well, sort of.” Tim replied.

After that they fell quiet for a few minutes, just sitting with their sides pressed together. Jonny broke it: “You really think they won’t laugh?”

“Of course not. No one laughs at Ashes either, do they?” Tim said.

“That’s different, they fall in between, I’m still a man. They probably think I’m making fun of them and kill me for it, I would deserve it too.” Jonny retorted.

“It is different, but that doesn’t mean what you’re doing is bad. Everyone expresses themselves in different ways, I do it with painting my nails and braiding my hair or with my goggles and you do it your own way.” Tim said.

“I’ll think about it.” Jonny finally decided.

It was the best Tim could hope for. It was also clear that Jonny wanted the conversation about this to end, so Tim nodded: “Alright, now get up and help me sort the armory.”

“Why?” Jonny asked.

“You need to function on those bad boys and I want those goggles really bad, so walking it is.” Tim replied with a grin, “Chop, chop, we don’t have all day.”

Jonny rolled his eyes, but he seemed better as he pushed himself off the couch and slowly followed after Tim.

By the time the day was over, Jonny was richer and the proud owner of a caliber 14 laser rifle. He also was pretty good in walking on heels, although his feet hurt like a bitch and he complained about it the entire night.

After his conversation with Jonny, Tim tried not to push him any further. He had done his part and now it was up to Jonny to see what he would do with the things Tim had told him.

He still kept a close eye on the First Mate and was glad to see that Jonny still wore the jewelry and the belt, he also noted that his eyeliner had become a bit more elegant.

A few weeks, later Jonny also shyly asked Tim to paint his nails again, so Tim didn’t worry about Jonny spiraling into the wrong direction.

The heels didn’t come back though, but when Tim left his ones by Raphaella in the lab, he saw that one pair was missing.

They had been planetside a few times after that when Tim noticed something one day.

Jonny didn’t have a terrible posture, but he never stood up that straight, his belt was also a bit tighter, so Tim said: “There is something different about you today, can’t pinpoint it.”

His eyes widened and he blushed. He quickly looked around to see if anyone else was there, before he lifted his shirt and showed Tim the corset underneath. He said: “It’s just for me, I just wanted to know what it was like.”

Tim smiled and said: “Well, you look great.”

“Thank you.” Jonny returned the smile.

“Wanna race to the kitchen? I heard Marius was baking today. Loser gets shot, winner dibs?” Tim asked.

“Sure.” and Jonny was already sprinting, a bit more out of breath at the end, but otherwise just business as usual.

It didn’t happen every day and it wasn’t all that noticeable, but Tim could see when Jonny would be wearing the corset. He also got a few more flow-y white blouses and boots with a thicker heel than he normally had.

Months went by like that until one night Tim got awoken by a knock on his door. Grumpily he opened and squinted against the light with a harsh: “What?”

“Uh, sorry, I forgotten how early it was.” came Jonnys voice.

“Is there a reason for waking me?” Tim asked, still waking up, but a bit less grumpy with Jonny there.

“I need you to help me.” Jonny told him.

“Help you with what, Jonny? I don’t have the brainpower for your dancing around what you want me to do.” Tim rubbed his eyes.

Jonny dawdled for a second, then he softly said: “I wanna wear this outfit, but I don’t want anyone to laugh at me, but I also don’t wanna talk to them about it and I hoped you might help, but if you don’t that’s okay, sorry for waking you. That was dumb, sorry. I hadn’t thought about it and now it’s too-”

“Jonny, shut up.” Tim recognized the anxious rambling from when Jonny had come out to them and ended it as soon as possible, “I’ll help.”

“Uh, oh, thank you.” Jonny stammered.

“No, problem, now go back to bed.” Tim said, closing the door again.

He made sure to be up before Jonny and went to the common area near the kitchen. Everyone except Jonny was already there, which was good, so he cleared his throat and said: “People, quick little thing.”

“What is it, Tim?” Ivy asked.

“Jonny is going to come in with an outfit that you’re maybe not used to and everyone is going to be nice about, okay. I know you all like to tease, but not today.” he gave them all an intent looks until he was sure that all would listen.

“Of course.” Brian said.

“How is it differently then?” Ashes asked, “I’m not going to do anything, just curious.”

“Haven’t seen it, he just asked me to tell you.” Tim shrugged.

“Why you?” Nastya asked.

“Me and Jonny are friends.” Tim pouted, a bit offended at the suggestion that they weren’t, “We talk.”

Then the door creaked open and Jonny poked his head around the corner, before walking in. He had his black leather boots with the small heel on, a pair of tighter gray-brown pants that pleated out at the top, tucked in the pants was a papyrus colored corset, one of his white flow-y blouses coming from the top. He also had a few golden bracelets around his wrist, dangle-y earrings and two belts hung loosely around his hips.

He looked at the floor for a second, before he met their eyes and softly waved a: “Hi.”

Tim smiled and said: “Look at you! You look great, Jonny.”

The others realized what Jonny had been so afraid off and all fell over themselves to tell Jonny how much they liked his outfit and how well it suited him.

Slowly Jonny lost the tension and bashfulness he’d showed up with and by the end of breakfast he was roughhousing and yelling like normal and he’d already shot Ashes for finding out they’d cheated during their card game yesterday, like he hadn’t had a stack of cards up his sleeve the entire time as well.

They were about to bring away the dishes, when Jonny coughed and in an uncharacteristically vulnerable voice he said: “Uhm, thank you for not being assholes about it.”

“Why would we be, Jonny?” Brian asked, “It’s just clothes and you look good, comfortable. We wouldn’t be assholes about it.”

Jonny looked helplessly at Tim, who nodded and explained: “New Texas was a shit place, definitely not the best planet to grow up on if you’re someone like Jonny, or any of us for that matter.”

Understanding came over the others as they nodded with sympathetic expressions. Ashes slung an arm over Jonnys shoulders and said: “Well, fuck them anyway. You’re better than that.”

Grinning at them, Jonny agreed with a cheer: “Fuck yeah.”

Over the course of the next few weeks Jonnys outfits became more feminine. He still wore other stuff from time to time, but he seemed happier in the new outfits he wore, less like something was weighing on him. No one had seen the invisible weight until it was gone.

When they landed on a planet, Ashes loaded a gun and told Jonny: “We’re robbing some clothing stores, grab Tim since you’re so attached to him and come along.”

“What?” Jonny asked.

“We’re getting you more nice clothes, come on.” Ashes repeated, then they called out: “Tim!”

Tim poked his head around the corner: “What?”

“We’re robbing stores for nice clothes for Jonny, wanna come?” Ashes asked him.

“Heck yeah.” Tim yelled, running to join them.

“You don’t- I don’t- it’s not-” Jonny was stammering.

“Don’t be daft, Jonny.” Ashes told him, “You look nice and happy, you deserve more of those clothes. I know some of them got ruined with the blood and the bullet holes, so you need more. We’re getting them, no complaining.”

“Why are you doing this for me?” Jonny was utterly confused.

Ashes gave him a smile and said: “I know how nice it is to have clothes that make you happy inside, now come.”

With that Jonny shut up and let them and Tim drag him along to the giant shopping center the planet had.

At first Jonny was hesitant about grabbing stuff. His eyes lingered on delicate necklaces, some socks with bows and even a dark blue skirt with a copper cog pattern on it, but he didn’t dare to touch them. So Ashes just ripped them of the rack and sternly stated: “You better start grabbing things, d’Ville.”

And so Jonny did, he started taking things from the racks. He got fishnets, heels, dresses, skirts, a few pants, dungarees, jewelry, makeup and hairpieces.

He still had a blush on his face throughout the whole thing and he didn’t make eye contact with Ashes or Tim, instead wordlessly handing them the clothes, but at least he was taking stuff he wanted.

It was all going well until Jonny stilled in front of a display and gaped at the feather fans, boas and hip pieces.

He swallowed heavily and stared, not noticing how Ashes and Tim gave him questioning looks and tried to get his attention. After a while of ignoring them, Tim put his hand on Jonnys shoulder and asked: “Jonny?”

Jonny snapped his head around and mumbled: “What? Oh, uh, nothing. I’m fine.”

His eyes drifted back to the display, ignoring Tim once more. So Tim spoke up again: “Want to get the feathers?”

“Oh, no, it’ll be impractical and they’ll get ruined and, you know, it’s stupid. Feathers don’t really fit with the whole aesthetic we got going on either, no matter how pretty they are.” he tapered off at the end, voice getting dreamy.

“We can make feathers steampunk.” Ashes told him.

Jonny bit his lip and looked at the display once more. If he had been hesitant about everything else, that couldn’t match up with how he was hesitating now. He shook his head softly and murmured to himself: “It wouldn’t be the same.”

“Why wouldn’t it be the same?” Tim asked.

Startling a bit, Jonny said: “Oh, it’s weird and doesn’t matter. Never mind.”

“We’ve been over this before, Jonny, spit it out.” Tim pushed him fondly.

“It’s just, this going to sound weird, but back home, back on New Texas, Jack he had- Well, you see he had these show girls in the casino.” Jonnys cheeks were burning as he explained, “They danced with feathers and all dolled up and stuff. I always- I, uh, I always wondered what it would be like to- to, you know, to be one of them.”

His voice was barely a whisper at the end and he buried his face in his hands as he whined: “See, it’s weird and embarrassing.”

Ashes lit up and said: “Jonny, we’re making you the prettiest show girl there is.”

“What?” Jonny squeaked.

“Oh, come on, this is what it’s been building up to, isn’t it.” Ashes said, “It’ll be fun, besides I have nothing against you walking around looking like a hot show girl, it’ll be just as good for me as it is for you.”

“I agree, I think it would be amazing to see you walk around like a cute show girl.” Tim agreed.

It looked like Jonnys head was going to explode from the heat on Jonnys cheeks as he scream-whispered: “You can’t just say stuff like that.”

“Why not? It’s true.” Ashes said nonchalantly, “Now, go pick out some show girl outfits.”

They pushed him into the store and Jonny didn’t fight. This was it, a dream he’d had since he was fifteen. He walked through the store like it was holy ground and he touched all the pieces with reverence.

Tim and Ashes made themselves comfortable on the couch, setting down the enormous amounts of bags they had acquired throughout the day.

They didn’t get to see the outfits Jonny tried out, but he returned an hour later with five more bags and a small smile on his face. He said: “I think I have enough clothes now.”

Returning the smile, Tim said: “That’s nice, wanna go back?”

Jonny nodded and took some of the bags from them. The way back to the Aurora was silent, but comfortable. They took the bags to Jonny room, but before they could leave Jonny stopped them and said: “Uh, thank you, this means a lot.”

“No problem, Jonny.” Tim told him.

“Nah, did it with love.” Ashes winked.

Throughout time they saw more and more pieces they’d helped Jonny pick out and he looked very happy with his new stuff, and after the others had realized how he’d gotten the new outfits and accessories, they also started to leave little gifts for him, making him smile and blush every time he opened them.

Overall he still acted the same, except now he just kicked Marius in the nuts with a twirl of his skirt instead the swoosh of his vest, but they never saw the show girl pieces.

Not that they were going to ask about them either, from what Jonny had said it was clear the outfits were personal, but that didn’t stop them from talking about them.

“I just wonder what he looks like, you know.” Tim slurred, one night when it was just the two of them, draped over the couch with too much alcohol in their systems.

“You’re right, he’d probably have heels and like, ugh, legs.” Ashes tried to get their point across.

Tim understood them perfectly: “Yes! Legs. Oh, and waist. Yeahh.”

Ashes groaned: “We’re so fucked for the dude, aren’t we.”

“Yeah, we are.” Tim slid further down dramatically, “At least he’s pretty. And I think most of the crew is fucked at this point as well. Especially Brian and Marius.”

Agreeing Ashes took another swig, then they toasted: “To Jonnys legs and waist.”

Tim grinned and raised his bottle as well and echoed: “To Jonnys legs and waist.”

Unbeknown to them, it wasn’t just the two of them at all. Jonny had been on his way to join them again, finding that he couldn’t sleep, so drinking was a better option. He had stilled just outside the door to listen when he had heard the conversation.

After the toast the two fell asleep on the couch and Jonny backed away. His head was spinning with the blood that had rushed to it and the information that swirled around in his brain.

He’d put on some of the outfits before, a few times already, just in his bedroom. He’d looked at himself in front of the mirror inspecting every angle with a happy bubble floating in his chest. He liked looking like that, he liked feeling pretty, but the fear of looking stupid or being laughed at or killed had stopped him.

It didn’t matter that the others hadn’t killed him or laughed at him before for his outfits and told him it was okay, this was so much further than those things and he didn’t think he could emotionally survive it if they decided that it was too weird.

But now here were Ashes and Tim, toasting to the idea in that outfit. They liked it, despite the fact that they’d never seen it. That did funny things to him.

He didn’t fall asleep that night, instead he laid in his bed and replayed the conversation over and over in his head until he had analyzed it in a 100 different ways. He wanted advise about it, but the only people he trusted for advise about all this were Ashes and Tim, so he just tossed and turned instead.

The conversation he’d overheard played heavy on his mind the next day and it seemed the others picked up on it, because Tim cornered him and asked: “Hey, Jonny, are you okay? You look like something’s bothering you.”

On one hand Jonny didn’t want to admit what he had heard, but on the other he desperately wanted to know what they had meant with it all and what he was supposed to do with it.

He bit his lip then said: “I, uhm, I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t sleep and I knew you and Ashes were still awake, so I thought I’d come back, but then I heard you talking and it, uh, it was about me so I, I listened.”

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry, Jonny.” Tim said mortified, “We didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable at all. Sorry that you had to hear that. God that’s so embarrassing, sorry, really.”

“It’s okay, I just don’t get it.” Jonny replied.

“What?” Tim said.

“I don’t get it.” Jonny repeated.

“What don’t you get, Jonny, I’m still not a mindreader.” Tim told him gently.

Jonny bunched the fabric of his skirt, the dark blue one with the copper cog design, as a nervous habit and confessed: “Why you like the idea so much. For me it’s about liking myself and feeling pretty like the show girls, but I’m not them and I look dumb in it, honestly, so why would you two like it so much?”

“Did you ever think about the fact that we might think you look pretty in the clothes, Jonny?” Tim asked him.

“But I’m not pretty, I know I’m not.” Jonny exploded a bit, “I’m short and stocky with wild hair that never sits the way I want it, I’m a maniac and you can see that in my eyes. That’s not pretty, Tim, don’t tell me that it is.”

“Oh, Jonny.” Tim sighed and pulled him into a hug.

He kissed the top of Jonnys head and said: “Me and Ashes seem to disagree with you. We think you’re very pretty. You never see how lively you look when you’re beating Raphaella to a pulp after she’s pissed you off or how excited you get when someone gets you a little gift. You look very pretty then, there’s a reason the crew keeps giving you them.”

“But they don’t me-”

“Shush, Jonny, let me talk.” Tim ignored the interruption, “You can’t see everything in a mirror, dear. You’re very pretty, especially when you’re happy or violent. I loathe to think, you dislike yourself. We like the idea of you in those clothes, because to us you’re very pretty, beautiful even, and we think those clothes would accentuate that beauty even more.”

Jonny was quiet. He stood there in Tims arms and let the words wash over them. He’d never thought of himself as pretty or beautiful, the clothes made him feel like that, but there was always a voice in his head that told him it wasn’t true.

He swallowed thickly as he tried to get his emotions under control. He didn’t succeed only managing: “You called me dear.”

Like he was burned Tim let go and apologized again: “Sorry, Jonny, sorry, I let it slip out that was uncalled for.”

Jonny blushed and said: “I liked it.”

“You did?” Tim asked, not believing his ears.

“Uh, yeah, it’s nice?” Jonny replied uncertain.

“Oh, can I- can I keep doing it?”

“Please.”

Tim smiled and said: “Well, then, dear, I just want to say you’re very pretty, beautiful, just absolutely gorgeous and if you want to you can wear those pretty clothes and feel pretty, but you don’t have to, I just want to tell you that none of us would mind.”

“They’re a bit extravagant and impractical.” Jonny argued, unable to handle the complement and therefore ignoring it.

“Well, I’m sure that your task around this ship is nothing more than sit and look pretty, which you are very successful at.” Tim teased with a smirk.

Jonny spluttered a bit not able to come up with a good reply.

“Just think about, okay. Just like last time. I’ll be here.” Tim assured him gently.

Still not in control enough to speak Jonny nodded and hugged him again, giving him a small peck on the cheek, before hurrying down the hall, the click of his heels echoing behind him.

Once he’d disappeared Tim slid down the wall and touched his cheek, then he softly, but passionately whispered to himself: “Fuck.”

Before getting up to find Ashes, because they needed to know what had happened. He needed to be able to tell someone and he couldn't think of anyone better to vent to about this particular subject than Ashes.

Except maybe Brian and Marius, he knew those two were staring at Jonny and not all that subtly if he might add, but he and Ashes were the only ones that knew about the show girl outfits and it would feel like a break of trust towards Jonny to tell someone else.

After he’d told Ashes everything they decided that it was completely unacceptable that Jonny didn’t think he was pretty, so they decided to dial up the complements, leaving Jonny flustered. They also gave him the nickname darlin’.

With Tim and Ashes both calling Jonny a pet name of sorts the two others had decided that it was now law. So, Brian called him sweetheart and Marius addressed him as princess. Only The Toy Solider and the wlw aboard the Aurora referred to Jonny by his name.

At first Jonny had squeaked and hid when he was spoken to with a pet name, but now he only flushed a bright red.

It was during dinner when Jonny, with too much nonchalance to be normal, asked: “Is there anything unusual happening tomorrow?”

“Not as far as I’m aware, princess.” Marius said, “How so?”

“Oh, uh, nothing in particular, I wanted to wear this outfit, but it’s a bit impractical, so if there was going to be a lot of action I’m not going to put it on.” Jonny tried a laid back tone, but the thrumming nervousness was still clear.

Tim and Ashes visibly perked up at his confession and Jonny moped: “Okay, calm down. You caught me, I wanna wear one of the outfits, you happy?”

“What outfits, sweetheart?” Brian asked, very interested.

Jonny then realized that only Tim and Ashes knew what he had meant and that he was now going to have to explain it to everyone there what he had been referencing. He gestured vaguely and mumbled: “Oh, you know, uhm, an outfit with, uhm, feathers ‘n stuff...”

He trailed off at the end and ducked into himself, Tim made a questioning noise and Jonny gave him a nod, so Tim said: “Jonny has a very pretty outfit that Ashes and I haven’t seen either. It’s like a show girl. They used to have them back on New Texas, it’s where all this started.”

As red as a cherry, Jonny nodded and mumbled: “It’s just stupid, but it’s fun? It’s not special or anything.”

“Of course it’s special, darlin’.” Ashes exclaimed, “And it’s not stupid, you’re going to look gorgeous in it and if I’m honest I will be looking forward to tomorrow if that’s in store.”

“Ahw, princess, it’ll be nice, getting all dolled up for us.” Marius smiled.

“But it’s so extra. You know what I’m not doing it, it’ll be dumb, serves no purpose. It’ll be weird.” Jonny was already back paddling.

“Dear, no.” Tim said, “It doesn’t have to serve a purpose, do you think I need these goggles for my job? Or Brian and Marius those hats? Or The Toy Soldier that uniform? Of course not. It’s all extra things that make us happy. You wear that outfit if you want to.”

“Alright.” Jonny gave in, making them all smile, “But now it’s blown out of proportion, it’s really not that special.”

“Whatever you say, sweetheart.” Brian told him.

The rest of the dinner passed quietly, Jonny hightailing out of there as soon as he was done, not meeting anyones eyes. When he was gone Nastya groaned: “You’re all being disgusting, you know that right?”

“Like you and Aurora didn’t annoy us for centuries.” Tim rolled his eyes.

“I think it’s cute.” Raphaella smiled, “Jonny seems happy, don’t you agree, Nastya?”

Nastya was silent for a beat, then she threw her hands up and said: “Fine, I guess, he is and that’s good. He deserves it after everything, but that doesn’t mean I want it rubbed in my face, he’s like my brother and it’s weird.”

“I recall one time you told him, you quote ‘fuck the ship’, so I think he’s earned a bit of retribution.” Ivy reminded her.

“Yeah, yeah, alright.” Nastya dropped the subject.

After that they all went their separate ways as they thought of what tomorrow would bring, hopefully Jonny confidant in a show girl outfit, but who’s to say. If he backed out, he would and they couldn’t fault him for that.

The next morning, Jonny was standing in front of the mirror inspecting himself. He’d put on his favourite of the outfits, even some makeup to match, but he wasn’t sure.

Yes, the others had liked the idea, but what id he couldn’t live up to it? Or what if they had the wrong idea and when they saw him they would laugh at him? He could still back out, but that would disappoint them and he didn’t want to do that either.

He sighed and twirled again.

In the end it was the Aurora, who made the decision for him. A panel appeared with the message: The others are getting worried, if you’re not there in ten minutes I am 99% sure they’re going to look for you.

Ten minutes, that wasn’t enough time to get this all off and the last thing he wanted was for them to find him half dressed as he hurried to get undressed. He just had to take the plunge and hope they really did like it.

Tim had barely stood up to look for Jonny, when the sound of heels clicking at a fast pace called their attention to the door. A bit winded Jonny stopped in the doorway and breathed heavily as he apologized: “Sorry, lost the time.”

Four mouths hung agape as they stared at their First Mate.

The corset was a light pink that was dripping in pink rhinestones and lace. It was pulled tight to make his waist a few inches thinner. The hip pieces were a combination of feathers in the same pink and white, accentuating the hourglass figure the corset was giving him.

Underneath, he wore sheer white stockings with white lace on top and matching pink heels.

Around his fingers he had a few silver rings and rings with pearls. He also wore velvet pink gloves that went up to his elbow and he had a huge fan made from white feathers in his right hand.

To top it all off, he had put on a light shiny eyeshadow that sparkled along with pink lipstick and sharp eyeliner. On his head rested a silver headpiece, which also had pearls to make it all complete.

Once he noticed them all staring, he realized what outfit he was wearing and promptly hid his face behind the fan.

With the movement Tim came back online and he said with wonder: “Fuck, how are you so unbelievably pretty, dear.”

Jonny peaked out from behind the fan and slowly made his way over to the seat under the scrutiny of everyone else.

Since the others were still processing and Jonny was clearly still a bit uncomfortable with the lack of reaction from most, Nastya sighed and said: “I have to admit, Jonny, I didn’t think you could clean up so well.”

The complement wasn’t as laden with affection nor filled with words his mind couldn’t wrap around, so Jonny shot her a smile and did a little bow as he said: “Thank you, I tried.”

That got the others to function as well and they all told Jonny how nice and pretty he looked. Nastya rolled her eyes at the mushiness, but she couldn't be mad at them for making that smile appear on Jonnys face, not really.

After breakfast Ivy left on her own, while Nastya guided Raphaella and The Toy Soldier away to give the five of them some privacy.

Brian had meanwhile walked up to Jonny and offered a hand. He asked: “Can I have a dance, sweetheart?”

Jonny had never been more grateful for the fan, it really was perfect to hide his blush behind as he accepted the hand and allowed Brian to twirl him around.

He made him spin till their arms were stretched and then Jonny was taken over by Tim, who dipped him before swaying him from side to side, holding him so that he could hide his face in the crook on his neck.

He was then offered to Marius, who made him dance to a faster silent tune, putting his hands on his waist as they spun around the room with quick steps. Marius ended their little dance by picking him up and depositing him in Ashes arms.

Ashes held him for a second, before they carefully set him down on his feet and pulled him into a proper waltz. Jonny couldn't for the life think of where they would’ve picked that up, but this was Ashes and Ashes was full off surprises so he just let it be a delightful surprise.

After the impromptu dance session he was settled on the couch, smile high on his cheeks. They all settled down around him and with a happy sigh he stated: “I don’t know why you’re all so nice to me, but thank you.”

“Because we like you, dear.” Tim informed him.

With wide eyes Jonny looked as they all nodded with a smile. He then frowned and asked: “Really? All of you?”

“We tried to make it obvious, darlin’.” Ashes told him.

Apologetically Brian added: “We didn’t mean to spring it on you like this, sweetheart, and we want to assure you that it is completely fine if you don’t like us back.”

“Oh, no, I do, I just-” Jonny squirmed in his seat, before the word dam broke: “It would be cheating or something wouldn't it? I mean, it’s selfish and weird if I love all of you and I don’t want to make you feel bad or pick one of you or something, you’re all too nice for that and, oh, what would the others say or maybe I’m not- I’m not what you all assume and then you want to leave me or-”

“Dear.” Tim tried to cut him of, “Dear, stop, please. For us?”

Jonny stopped and gasped for air, fiddling with the fan as he vibrated in his seat with anxiety.

“It’s not selfish or weird.” Tim told him, “You just have a big heart, dear, and that just makes us love you more, okay. We’re also not going to make you pick, we don’t mind sharing, really, if you’re willing to love all of us, we would only be honored.”

“And Nastya already gave us as much of a blessing we’re going to get out of her.” Ashes said, “So don’t go breaking your pretty little head about that, darlin’.”

“You don’t have to give us an answer now, princess, take your time.” Marius assured him when Jonny stayed silent for a few moments.

“No, it’s- just processing.” Jonny said with a chocked off voice.

“Would it help if we hugged you?” Tim asked.

The nod Jonny gave was small, you would’ve missed it, if you weren’t paying attention. Luckily they all were paying very close attention, so they quickly gathered him up in their arms, until Jonny was sideways in Ashes lap with his feet thrown over Marius lap, while Tim hugged him from behind and Brian from the side.

They sat like that for a while, until Jonny broke the silence: “I, I do really love you all and I’d be, I’d be honored to call you all my partners, but I’m no good at that and I can’t promise you that I can be what you want me to be.”

“We just want you to be you, sweetheart.” Brian petted his hair softly.

“Yes, you say that now, but…” Jonny replied.

“And we’ll see how it goes, we just need to talk a bit together and see where everyone stands.” Marius said, “But we’ll figure it out. You won’t disappoint us, trust us.”

“But we can talk about all that later.” Ashes lifted the quiet, serious mood, “Because we really haven’t talked enough about how breathtakingly beautiful you look today, darlin’.”

With the temporary breather, everyone relaxed as they again lavished Jonny in complements and praises, this time also softly giving him pecks and hugging him close while they praised him. Until Jonny was flushed entirely red and beaming with pride, practically emitting a happy glow.

He was happy, they were happy and they had an eternity to be happy together.

New Texas was not a lot of things, but it was a shit place to grow up in if you’re someone as special and beautiful as Jonny d’Ville. However, if you managed to take the New Texas out of the boy, you were left with someone amazing.

~~~~~~~~~~

I know I normally only do A/Ns with AO3, but I thought these were too important for that: 

All sexualities and stuff are headcanons, not a reflection of the band members or the characters if they see it differently.

Also, aroace people are queer and 100% valid and I will fight whoever says differently, (just in case that wasn’t clear, I love you all, be proud!)

Clothes are for every gender, fuck anyone who tells you otherwise, you can come to me and I will make sure their kneecaps are gone if they harass you.

In my mind this was just Jonnys gender expression/presentation not identity. For me, he wanted to be part of that world of glamor and attention, so here he still identifies as male with he/him pronouns, but if you want to think this is pre-exploration that will make him later realize he’s trans or non binary or any other gender, feel free! It’s up to your interpretation!

Although most the polycule ID’s as gay that does not mean Ashes isn’t the proud enby that they are, exceptions can be made and if the person is alright with their partner ID’ing as gay despite being with them then that’s their choice, as long as communication is there. It depends on the situation.

I didn’t really include the discussion of boundaries between them, because I am not in that sort of relationship, so I don’t think I would be able to write it down properly and I wouldn’t want to do the beautiful poly community a disservice :D

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #373

“warm me up in a nova’s glow  /  and drop me down to the dream below”

Have you ever kissed someone that you thought you’d never kiss? Welp, never thought I'd kiss a girl for most of my life. When was the last time you ate take-out and what was it that you ate? Mom bought us breakfast at Bojangle's the morning after my sleep study. I got a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. Do you enjoy when guys hit on/flirt with you or does it normally make you uncomfortable or annoyed? When was the last time more than one guy was flirting with you at a time? It makes me uncomfortable, especially if it's very obvious and pushy. Like some respectful flirting is fine and can be flattering if I'm single, but you better respect my boundaries and not act like a dog. I don't think two guys have both been openly interested in me since Juan and Jason in high school. Can you name five things you enjoy looking at pictures of? Animals, flowers, waterfalls, expressions of love between people, and boudoir. Would you rather have an eternal winter or an eternal summer? Both sound pretty sucky, but an eternal summer sounds worse. Do you know much about the Greek gods? Not anymore. I did in high school, as mythology was an elective I took. Are there a lot of stray cats and dogs near where you live? Not in this neighborhood. How would you cope with living in isolation away from society? How long do you think you could cope before you went mad? Oh god, I couldn't cope. I'd lose my shit so fast. Have you ever found any hidden treasure? No. Would you ever want to hibernate through the winter? No, I enjoy winter. Which holiday do you prefer, Halloween or Christmas? I like the Halloween vibe more, but I enjoy Christmas more as a holiday. Do you prefer hot or cold drinks overall? Cold. What’s the smallest thing you’ve ended a relationship over? I don't believe I've broken up with anyone over something small. Have you or a member of your family been diagnosed with COVID yet? My older sister got it. It was hell. What’s the dominant color in the room you’re in at the moment? An off-white. Do you know who your mom’s favorite singer is? James Hetfield of Metallica. Easy. What room in your house is the messiest? The spare room. Have you ever used a “puppy face” to get your way? Ha, yeeeaaah... If you could change any law that exists in your current country, what would it be and why? Here comes free healthcare. For obvious reasons. What were the last toppings you had on a pizza? Pepperoni. Would you rather spend an hour walking a dog or riding a horse? Riding a horse. Do you freak out when you need to visit the doctor or the dentist? Nah. Do you prefer The Lord of the Rings or The Hobbit movies, if you like any of them? I haven't watched either. Which Harry Potter film was your favourite? What about your least favourite? I haven't watched those, either. What do you think about nose piercings? I like them. Nostril studs especially are really cute imo. How many floors does your house have? One. What’s your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid? I don't really like Kool-Aid anymore. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Yeah, a cyst. Do you enjoy sappy love songs? Unabashedly. Do you wear a one-piece or a two-piece when you go swimming? One-piece. What would be your biggest pet peeve in a relationship? Not communicating your feelings straight-up. Be straightforward and honest with what you're going through with your partner, for the love of God. Have you ever had a teacher hit on you? Have you ever hit on a teacher? No to both. Do you tend to eat more on Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas? Christmas, because of chocolate stocking stuffers and boxes from Dad, haha. Do you know what an "AMV" is? Yeah, I used to make them. Do you think you have a sad life? In some ways, yeah. What’s one award show you have to watch every year? None. Who do you like more: the Batman or the Joker? The Joker, particularly Heath Ledger's. Do you like Rammstein? Love 'em. What is your favorite small dog breed? Aesthetically, I think pugs, but I've said before and I'll say it a thousand more times: I don't support breeding them. What was the first comic book you ever had an obsession over? I've never been obsessed with a comic book. Do you like kids pop-up books? Those were my absolute favorite kind AS a kid. What is your mother's mother's maiden name? Ummm I'm pretty sure Collins. Have you ever pet a monkey? No. What’s your favorite Owl City song… besides "Fireflies?" I actually really like "Hot Air Balloon." What’s your fave Miley Cyrus song? I don't know many, but I do know "The Climb" is absolutely gorgeous. Fave Rascal Flatts song? Probably "My Wish." But I also really like "Why" and "What Hurts the Most." Fave Justin Bieber song? None. Miley Cyrus, Demi Lavato, or Selena Gomez? Jesus, you really like bands that I don't, haha. I don't know any Demi or Selena songs, so idk. Fave Eminem song? Oh man, I do like a lot of Eminem. I know it's so cliche, but I genuinely adore "Love The Way You Lie." It gives me goosebumps. Do you think you could survive a month of solitary confinement? NO. Absolutely not. I would lose my motherfucking mind. What is something that you find utterly boring? Sports, save for dance, are incredibly blah to me. What noise/sound can put you to sleep? Gentle, steady rain tapping on the window. When you are upset, do you tend to shut others out? YYYYYYYYYYYEP. When was the last time you felt abandoned by someone? bleh Does the sight of blood gross you out? No. Do you like red roses, or do you prefer another color? I love red ones, but I really, really like the ones with a pink-peach gradient. Have you ever gone through a red light? I think I MIGHT have accidentally because I was zoned out, but I don't THINK so. Do you fail to stop for stop signs, sometimes? I can't recall if I ever have. What is one of your major turn-offs? Misogyny. The moment you act like you exceed my worth just because you have a dick, byyyyyeeee~ During which year of your life were you the most unhappy? 2016 was hell on Earth for me. Have you ever seen a blue jay in person? I have. Do you like leaves better in the summer/spring, or in the fall? I'd like to meet someone that actually chooses anything besides fall, lol. Do you like the appearance of green eyes? YES! Do you typically like green-colored candies? Yessss. It's not rare for them to be my favorite flavor of whatever the thing is. Who is the most energetic and happy person you know of? My nephew, omg. Have you ever encountered a black widow? I actually have seen at least one to my memory. They're native here. Has an animal ever peed on you? Yes. Do you prefer green or purple/red grapes? I enjoy both, but I prefer green IF they're actually firm. What color is your birthstone? Purple. Why did you leave your house last? To go to the TMS office. I have to go there every day (but the weekends) for two months for treatment now. Is anything on your body sore? Well, inevitably my upper right arm, where my tattoo is. It looks so fucking beautiful redone though, it's all worth it. :') Have you ever eaten a cookie cake before? If so, was it good? Hell yeah man, cookie cakes are great. Do you lose interest in someone easily? I'm quite the opposite. Who was the last person you flirted with? Sara. Do you still talk to the person you fell the hardest for? No. Who’s the last person that slept over your house? My sister and her husband. Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yes. Are you currently sad about anything? I mean, I always am about something. How would you feel if your last ex fell in love with someone else? I would be super happy for her. Who was the last person who left your life and hurt you? Colleen. Do you know anyone who died of breast cancer? I might know of somebody, but all I know personally are survivors. Do you miss any of your old friends? Well of course. Have you ever been used before? I don't know. Ever taken a picture kissing someone? Yes. What’s the last thing you and your sibling laughed about? I Don't know. I haven't seen either in some time. What’s the last thing you took a picture of? A meme to send Sara, haha. Do you listen to classical music? No. Do you tell your parents who you like? Why or why not? I mean, I don't just randomly bring it up because just being like "hey I like this person _____ now" seems weird. Now if I was asked or mentioning it is somehow relevant, then I will. Who’s the most annoying person in your neighborhood? The damn dog next door who never shuts up. Name one of your psycho exes? None. I was the "psycho ex," and it's embarrassing as shit. Do you make your own clothes and/or add designs to them on your own? No. Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? It's not something I always actively think about, but subconsciously, I absolutely always do. Especially knowing my family doesn't buy from "ethical" markets, but instead big ones. "Ethical" in quotations because there is no moral way to slaughter an animal for food, but at least there are smaller farmers who can give their livestock a better, cleaner, happier life. What are you listening to at the moment? I'm semi-watching Gab play Bioshock. I'd never seen the game before, so just kinda vicariously checking it out. Seems all right. Does anything hurt right now? My tattoo is definitely in the sore phase. It'll start scabbing soon. I literally can't stop looking at it, I love it so much. How many years have you lived at the house you’re living in right now? Around 1 1/2. Have you ever lived in a different country that the one you’re living in? No. Which of your parents will you see next? I live with my mom and rarely see my dad, so. Do you like Chinese food? Only pork fried rice and egg rolls, really. What sort of music were you brought up on? When all of us kids were very little, Mom would usually play her rock channels on the radio, sometimes a (clean) CD. She also would ensure to play kids' cassettes sometimes, too, like Raffy or whoever it was. Once Ashley reached a certain age, she would always ask for a pop channel to be put on, so most of my childhood was that and some country music, too.

[immabethehero]

Chase and the Treasure Hunt

Part one of my new multi-chapter!!!

For Chase’s birthday, the egos decide to go extravagant. What adventures await them as they sail through the beautiful ocean on a magnificent pirate ship?

🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓

“Alright kids, you all knew this day would come.” A single lamplight turns on. Sabrina and Noah squint against the harsh light. Chloe pays no attention to the four men staring her and her siblings down and simply plays with her doll.

“Uh… Guys? Is this… necessary?” Noah asks.

“Absolutely. Your father’s birthday is one week from now and we still don’t know what to get him!” Jackie exclaims.

“You could just get him another book,” Sabrina suggests.

“He still hasn’t read the books we got him LAST year,” Henrik grumbles. “We’re not getting him any new ones until he’s read the others!”

“A new hat?” Noah recommends.

“And add another ugly snapback to his collection? Gross!” Marvin interjects.

“A trip to Disney World?” Chloe asks.

“We went last year! We’re not blowing our budget again,” Jameson says. “Nice try, Chloe.”

“That’s all we got!” Sabrina says.

The Septics groan and grumble. Marvin turns the lights back on. Jackie flops onto the couch. Jameson gets up and begins perusing through his library.

Sunlight shimmers through the curtains of the Septics’ Library. Bookshelves line up against the walls, holding books organized by genres, or rather, the Septics’ favourite genre. The bay window has cushioned seating to sit on, so one could read then look wistfully out the window. Chase came up with the idea.

There are two low coffee tables in the middle. Noah gets up and looks outside. “Hey, it’s stopped raining!”

“Wait for it to dry up a bit, and then you can go outside,” Henrik says. “In the meantime, help us find more gift ideas!”

“You are surrounded by books, why don’t you go through them?” Sabrina asks. “Maybe you’ll find ideas inside.”

“That’s a great idea!” Marvin pulls a book off the shelf and thumbs through the pages, before putting it back. “Nothing in there.” He shoves the book back and takes out the next one, thumbing through it. “Nope.”  He continues on to the next book.

Chloe looks outside. Both the grass and the pavement hold large puddles that look like lakes. Her eyes light up.

“What if we took Daddy on a cruise?” she asks.

“Isn’t that a bit expensive?” Henrik asks.

“We’ll make our own ship! Uncle Marvin has real magic, so you can make a ship!” Chloe says.

Marvin pales a little. “Uh… kid? I appreciate the enthusiasm but…”

“Seriously? This could be the least expensive gift for his birthday and you’re rejecting it?” Sabrina says.

“It could be fun!” Noah agrees. “Us, Dad, and you guys all going for a sail in our very own ship that you don’t have to pay for!”

The Septics exchange glances. Henrik motions for a group huddle. After a minute of loud whispering, the egos turn around. Jackie clears his throat and says. “OK! Let’s do it!”

🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓

Not even an hour later after the kids left does another fight break out. This time over what kind of ship to make. Jackie has presented a video of an excavator on a barge, using the giant shovel as a paddle, and suggested they create a ship from that. Henrik retorted that it wasn’t safe, and that Jackie’s presents never met safety regulations, which made the hero explode in a fit of rage.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY ‘SAFETY REGULATIONS?’” Jackie yells” “I’M A FREAKING SUPERHERO. MY JOB IS TO KEEP PEOPLE SAFE-”

“THEN EXPLAIN THE LAST FEW GIFTS YOU’VE GIVEN THE BRODY FAMILY!” yells Henrik. “YOU GAVE SABRINA AND NOAH FLYING TOBOGGANS LAST CHRISTMAS!”

“So they could get a sense of what it was like to fly like me!!! And those toboggans came with seatbelts and helmets and padding! It’s not my fault Chase decided to do a barrel roll and ended up in the hospital with a concussion!”

“At Chloe’s 3rd birthday party, you gave her a taser and put bottles of pepper spray in the guests’ party bags!”

“We are living in a society where females face attacks from horrible misogyny everyday! I was simply preparing them for how to respond in an attack!”

“You gave Stacy and Delilah machetes for their 3rd anniversary!”

“Girls like swords!” 

“My point stands!”

Marvin flies past the kitchen, wearing a pretty maroon coat. “I’m heading to the store, let me know if you need anything!”

“I’m coming with you!” Jameson yells, jumping out his seat. He quickly shoves on his own coat and follows Marvin outside.

“Not enjoying the match?” Marvin asks.

“They’re so loud when they argue,” Jameson complains.

“They’re Septic Egos through and through, it’s in their blood,” Marvin explains.

Jameson laughs. “Where are we heading? I don’t believe they sell boat parts at the grocery store.”

“We’re not going there, Jameson,” Marvin says. “We’re going to the one place where we might find a working ship.”

🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓

In the calmer parts of the town, nestled on the edge lies the Survival Kit, a store with fascinating trinkets and other things needed for emergencies and of course, survival. For Marvin, it’s where he can grab whatever items he needs for a spell or a potion and not be questioned by his strange purchases.

The store itself looks like a normal store, with a gable roof and stone bricks, but when one walks inside does the magic begin. Fishing rods, boats in bottles, bikes, even ice skates are lined up on shelves and walls, ready for use. Among the useful outdoor items and the emergency supplies are cool little trinkets from different parts of the world.

Jameson marvels at the gramophones, each decorated to represent different genres of music. Jameson finds one such gramophone whose records only play symphonies. When he plays the test recording, his heart soars along with the music. He sways side to side, basking in the beautiful noise.

Marvin peruses the shelves of nautical items, looking for the perfect Boat in a Bottle. He can simply resize it into a real-life ship and transfigure it to make it sail. He’s done resizing and transfiguration before, this won’t be any different!

“Need help finding what you’re looking for?” a voice with a strong Australian accent asks. Marvin jumps and turns around.

Angus McLoughlin, self-proclaimed “Survival Hunter'' and owner of the store, stands beside Marvin. Like the other egos, Angus has Jack’s brown hair and blue eyes, though his hair is often hidden underneath a dark green crocodile dundee hat. His left eye is somewhat glassy, and two long scars run down it. For a little while, the egos were fairly certain that Angus was connected to Jack somehow. When Marvin asked, Angus said that while he did share a last name with Jack, neither were related in any way and Angus didn’t really know the Youtuber that well. It was simply a coincidence.

“I’m looking for a boat in a bottle…” Marvin says, turning back to the shelves. “It’s for a friend’s birthday…”

“Fascinating!” Angus surveys his shelves. “Well, what kind of boats does he like?”

Marvin shrugs. “I don’t know. Something cool, I guess. Nothing too boring. Perhaps a pirate ship, I remember Chase saying he loved the Pirates of the Carribean series.. Or was it Treasure Island… wait… was it that stop-motion animation pirate movie-”

“Might I interest you in this?” Angus holds up a bottle with a little model brigantine ship inside. The wood was a beautiful mahogany and shimmered in whatever light the bottle caught. The flag colours consisted of blue and red. A tiny mermaid was carved into the bow of the ship.

Marvin slams a twenty euro poun noted into Angus’ hand, grinning like a maniac. “It’s perfect.”

“I’m assuming you’re also paying for the gramaphone?” Angus asks with a laugh. Marvin turns to see Jameson holding up the symphony-themed gramophone, eyes pleading.

Marvin chuckles. “Yes.”

🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓

The egos, minus one rad dad, gather around the little ship.

“What are we going to do with it?” Henrik asks.

“First: we need to take it apart and rebuild it. Jackie, you’re in charge of remodelling the ship,” Marvin orders. Jackie nods.

“Then we need to repaint it so it will fit Chase better. I want to use sails that go with our theme. Maybe Septic Sam wearing pirate hats and holding little swords. Jameson, you’re decorating.” Jameson whistles.

“Henrik, I need you to work on some clothes for the big day. We can’t go in our usual get-up! I’ll give you the designs to work with!” Marvin shoves a stack of papers at Henrik, then runs out the door. “I have more work to do! See you guys soon!”

The egos stare suspiciously at their retreating friend.

“What’s Marvin hiding from us? What is he doing?” Henrik asks.

“Probably just some more ideas for Chase’s birthday,” Jackie says, scribbling away on blueprints.

“It’s not like him to hide plans like that,” Jameson notes.

Henrik skims through the designs. “Are we… going on a pirate adventure?”

Jackie and Jameson stare at the blueprints.

Jameson grins. “Looks like it. Could be fun!”

“Why would we do that?”

“Because it’s fun! Chase would love to have a little fun and adventure for his birthday!” Jackie exclaims. “Besides, it’ll give Stacy and Delilah enough time to set up the house for the party after!”

“I wonder if there’ll be treasure!” Jameson muses.

“It better be worth all this trouble. It’ll take all night for me to make these costumes!” Henrik groans. “Jameson, could you help me?” JJ nods.

One of Jameson’s time manipulation tricks is the ability to speed up tasks, so that a task that could take an hour would only take seconds. Chase’s children used to bribe him with treats so he would use this gift and speed up their homework time, which worked until Chase found out and banned Jameson from homework help.

While Henrik and JJ work on costumes and sails, Jackie tinkers away at the ship, remodelling it to be more modern and fit for the six egos and the kids. j is out all night, but returns in time to paint the ship and transfigure it.

When the ship is done, the egos head to the docks. Marvin performs a spell, and soon, a large ship floats on the water, ready for use.

The egos take the ship out for a test run, Marvin pinpointing each place they need to take Chase too.

Back at home, Chase Brody doodles in his journal, humming softly. Nothing, not even a cryptic hint from Jack, can prepare him for tomorrow.

🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓🏴‍☠️⚔️⚓

@graysun, @florenceisfalling, @miishae​​, @lonelyseiren, @goldenoceanaart, @egopocalypse, @oasisofgalaxies, @fleecal, @kofi-king, @myspatialspace, @jo-ann-ahh-2, @writerwithdepression, @huffletrax, @gemstone6, @dumbasticart, @lunaarmada, @deadlydevine, @meteorshowersfillthesky, @bupine, @the-yandere-kitsune, @climbing-starrs, @the-spawn-of-loki, @jadehowlettthewolf, @obsidiancreates, @rammypaige, @hollenka99, @cest-mellow, @randowaffle, @green-protects, @dezi-popp, @badlypostedeverything

[sorrelstream]

entering “proper grammar” mode because I’m writing this on a google docs first and I don’t want to deal with all those ugly squiggles ahdfsdfds…

But!! Here’s the fully answered Ailuornymy question list, as requested by anon :D! More below the cut!

Favourite canon warrior name?

Hmm… let’s see… Honestly? Probably Silverstream! I don’t think we get many -stream suffixes anymore and there’s something soooo pretty about her name and the way it flows !!

Least favourite canon warrior name?

Snowbush. There’s something so clunky about the way this dude’s name reads in my head and I don’t know why!!! Also Harrybrook >:(

Warrior you’d most like to rename?

Harrybrook. I just!! It doesn’t sound nice at all please give him a better name :( Best name-change name? One-eye! I’m not sure if she asked for her name change or not, but I’ll admit “One-eye” is a pretty baller sounding name and I love that. Also Deadfoot has a cool name too (though I wish he had asked for that name change rather than saddled with it :/)!

Favourite canon character overall?

 Mousewhisker and Hazeltail! They’re two unimportant side characters that don’t really do anything ever but man do I love them with my whole heart <3!

Least favourite canon character overall? 

Thistleclaw and Crowfeather. I’ve talked about why I don’t like either of them a lot before so to keep it short they both make me incredibly uncomfortable nor do I enjoy reading about them at all.

Favourite Warriors book? 

The Darkest Hour! It was my first Warriors book that I read from the main series (Sasha's manga was the first Warriors book in general and how I got into Warriors), and MAN does it still stick with me! So many scenes from that book are just iconic. 

Least favourite Warriors book? 

Anything from Dawn Of The Clans honestly :'). I tried so many times to get into reading that arc and I never could get into it -- it just bored me any time I tried. Same for AVoS, eh.

Favourite canon scene or dialogue of all time? 

Such a random scene but there’s a scene I think about all the time from Power Of Three where Lionpaw has a nightmare about Hollypaw, and she just playfully (? ominously?) says “I’m going to get you” while hidden in the shadows before turning into a fox and attacking him. I think about it SO much…...

Favourite canon leader of all time? 

Crookedstar, followed closely by Tallstar! I love them…. 

Character you think deserved better? 

SO, SO MANY. IT’S UNREAL. Hollyleaf didn’t deserve to get killed off the VERY NEXT BOOK after she came back to ThunderClan, Snowkit didn’t deserve to get killed off just to push Speckletail into the nursery, Nightcloud didn’t deserve… literally anything she got both in canon and how the authors and fandom demonized her, Honeyfern…. Silverstream… the list goes on really :’/

Character you’d like to see “morally” flipped (made “bad” or made “good”)?

Leopardstar, kinda?? But not like. Morally flipped? I guess? I just mean I wish they had gone more into her redemption arc and why she allied herself with Tigerstar besides just “oh she was in love with him”. So it’s not that I wish she was morally flipped, but I wish they went more into her morality because she’s soo vague as it is (and, frankly, maybe I’m biased because I like her but I would’ve loved to see her overcome her initial prejudice or perhaps work for forgiveness for her Clan - perhaps her alliance with Tigerstar was out of worry for the entirety of her Clan since she saw him as the strongest cat and not just… because she “loved” him). Same for Breezepelt, honestly! They kept dancing between “he’s a troubled son of a negligent/abusive father” and “he’s evil :)” and personally? As a child of a negligent father who also abandoned me, it would’ve been way more … I’m not sure WHAT the word I’m looking for is but I think Breezepelt’s story would’ve been better if they focused on making him a troubled teen of a negligent, bad father and actually embraced Crowfeather being an antagonist in PO3 instead of not wanting to make him look bad. It’s just weird the erins flip flop between “this character is evil” and “this character is ok” so much it’s FRUSTRATING :/

Favourite AU (alternate universe) concept? 

Answered here! 

Warrior code rule you think is best?

Always help a kitten in need, no matter their heritage! I know that’s not the exact wording but anyways. Perhaps I’m biased because I, in general, don’t like reading about child death (I know it happens and I can handle it in some plots but sometimes it’s just so excessive), but in general I think it’s one of the best and genuinely helpful code laws, especially because kittens always deserve a chance at life. I think the second best rule would be the one that states a warrior does not need to kill to win a battle, because I think that adds a lot more depth (potentially) to how warriors value the lives of others and creates a bigger scene? scandal? when someone is killed in battle versus dying of wounds later on. It also, again, keeps the youngsters like apprentices safe!

Warrior code rule you think shouldn’t exist/should be changed?

If you know me, you won’t be surprised because it’s the same answer as always: the leader’s word is law. I’ve spoken a lot about that code before and even have a comic about its flaws, so I won’t go into it too much here, but I just think it’s a recipe for disaster.

Describe your ideal vision of Starclan/clan afterlife.

Hmmm let’s see… my ideal vision of StarClan/clan afterlife would be a little bit like what it’s like in canon at the moment but with a few twists. I think the borders would dissolve in StarClan so there’d be less in-fighting (though I imagine, after growing up your whole life hating your neighbors, a lot of cats have a hard time getting used to the no-boundary life-style of StarClan, and a lot of young/new spirits tend to stick within their own Clan cliques before venturing out and meeting former members of other Clans. Older spirits would be the ones most used to interacting with former members of other Clans). I think there’d be sections that mimic the corporeal Clan’s territories in theme, but with different landmarks and such so that new spirits have a new world to explore. I’d also take away the fading aspect because I don’t really think that’s… fair? I guess? It’s weird to me but I’d prefer not to go into it. I’d also make it so that there’s no great wisdom to these cats - or, at least, the wiser StarClan spirits are the ones that have been around for as long as anyone can remember. They wouldn’t be able to interfere with the living as much in canon and can only really visit medicine cats, or possibly leaders, in dreams; anyone else has to go to the sacred area to commune with the dead. Not sure what else though! This is just kind of a general idea.

Traditional or non-traditional naming. Thoughts?

I think both have their merits! While I prefer traditional naming systems because I enjoy seeing the way people develop suffix meanings and assign well-known meanings to them (and even connotations!), plus it helps me personally assign even the smallest trait to a side character so they feel just a little more real, I see why people would enjoy non-traditional naming systems as it does give more breathing room for individual name creation. Also, I’m not gonna lie, there’s some gorgeous lyrical names out there that flow beautifully. My heart will always belong to traditional naming, though, I think. 

If traditional: What non-traditional suffix would you include in your system? If non-traditional: What’s your favourite canon suffix?

Traditional! I actually have included some non-traditional suffixes in my system, just for variety! But those are: -throat, -pool, -belly, -fern, -bee, -berry, -chirp, and -tooth, for example. There’s actually quite a few more but I don’t wanna list every single addition shfbd!

Best thing about the clan system as a concept in your opinion?

Hard to pick, honestly! But I do think the best thing about clans as a system is their unity; they’re a little society that has each other’s backs, and the care for young and elderly a lot is touching!

Favourite Warriors fanfiction (or fanfiction writer)?

HA this might be an obvious answer, but 100% solacefruit on ao3 (also: @/ailuronymy and @/burnt-sycamore on tumblr!). His worldbuilding is to die for and there’s something so charming and attention grabbing about his writing style that always has me waiting for the next update. Seriously, probably one of my biggest writer inspirations. 

Favourite Warriors fanartist (includes animators)?

Answered here!

Most interesting villain?

Mapleshade and Sol, honestly. I’ve rambled about Mapleshade before, I think, but I think her story could have had a lot of potential to call out the misogyny and bias of StarClan and the code, and how mollies are often punished harsher than the toms for their code-breaking. Her story also features how weird the warriors are with the warrior code - it’s like they cherry pick what they want to believe? Oakstar sends three innocent kittens out of the Clan, presumably to die (which they do), despite the code speaking to never endanger a kitten’s life no matter their heritage, and no one ever questions him, or the rest of ThunderClan, for standing by to watch kittens die? Even Frecklewish outright stated she watched the kittens die and did nothing about it. Why? Why was everyone okay with punishing Mapleshade for breaking a rule of the code but no one questioned Oakstar or anyone else in ThunderClan for kicking out the kits alongside Mapleshade, when it was Mapleshade’s crime and not the kits? And why doesn’t Appledusk get punished or ostracized by his clanmates as severely as Mapleshade did? It had a lot of potential but it’s just a mess. Anyways - onto Sol. Another interesting concept kinda messed up by the Erins. In general, I really love villains that are just nuisances at best and no real threat - kind of like Heinz Doofenshmirtz - and with Sol’s backstory being the way it was, he was the perfect opportunity to have him be this little antagonistic shithead who, while annoying and causing problems, wasn’t actually a serious threat, and he of all villains would have had the best shot at redemption I think.

Favourite canon clan?

RiverClan! I love their aesthetic, their territory, and their general vibes. In love with water-based places <3!!

What would you ask Erin Hunter, if you could?

“Would you hand the series off to a new team of writers?” All good series must come to an end, but with Warriors being as broad as it is, I think this is a series where spin offs can be made and still thrive - just not with the current author staff we have at the moment. There’s lots of people with amazing, creative ideas for Warriors, and I know this is just a fantasy at best, but I would love to see a new writing team take over and weave brand new stories and worldbuilding with it in spin-offs. Hell, even I’d love to take a crack at publishing a Warriors spin off, but, again, it’s a fantasy at best.

Top five prefixes (canon or otherwise)?

Sorrel-, Chub-, Mink-, Rose-, and Vervain- (you can tell I like these prefixes considering these are all prefixes of characters featured in my webcomic besides Sorrel-, which is used for my wcsona’s name ha!) Honorable mentions to: Black- (or any color based prefix like Yellow-, Red-, Ginger-, Blue-, Gray-, White-, etc. I don’t know why but I’m fond of them), Beetle-, and Fidget- (which isn’t a traditional prefix, but I think it’s cute hehe.)

Top five suffixes (canon or otherwise)?

Just narrowing down for traditional because I need a smaller pool to pick from habdfsd but! -face, -flower, -stripe, -storm and -nose! 

If you were on Drunk Warriors Rants, what would you talk about?

I have no idea what Drunk Warriors Rants is actually but I’m assuming it’s something where you get drunk and rant about warrior cats so… I would absolutely rant about Hollyleaf and mainly the wild mischaracterization the fandom has made of her break down and the murder of Ashfur. It irks me to no end how so many people have pushed this weird concept that Hollyleaf was aware her parents were Crowfeather and Leafpool when she murdered Ashfur to the point that most people I talk to genuinely don’t realize this, because not only does it just make so sense narratively but I feel like it really does take away from the depth that is her character. I think Hollyleaf is one of the few characters we get, like, an actual depth to, who is developed beyond “typical protagonist with love interest”, and has an interesting arc, downfall, and redemption. When she killed Ashfur, she was totally unaware that Leafpool and Crowfeather were her parents - in fact, the entirety of Sunrise is about Hollyleaf, Jayfeather, and Lionblaze trying to figure out who their parents are, so I honestly don’t know where this whole “Hollyleaf knew about her heritage when she killed Ashfur” thing came from. It really ruins her arc by making her out to be some nonsense cat who killed to keep a secret she spilled anyways, and not a cat who killed to keep a secret she didn’t fully understand yet, who then completely unraveled once she discovered the origins and how her existence completely went against everything she was raised to believe in.

What would your warrior name be?

Pretty obvious answer but my warrior name would be Sorrelstream! Or possibly Sorrelstripe, but I lean towards Sorrelstream. I love to swim a lot actually but I wouldn’t say I’m a particularly strong or skilled swimmer but hey… It’s my warriors sona and I get to give him one (1) skill.

Bonus questions:

Describe your favourite original Warriors characters! 

HONESTLY this question is a little tough because I have such a huuuge cast of original warrior characters it’s hard to narrow down! I’d say if you’re interested in hearing more about my ocs or seeing them in action to check out my @/roseface blog, which is dedicated to my wc comic, or check out my ao3 account (kiittenteeth) because I’ll probably be posting warriors-centric original character stories there soon!

Describe your original Warriors clans! 

Heyyy fun fact! I’m actually working on a small novel fanfic (only about ten chapters long) featuring my fanclans! They’re a group of four Clans set in an abandoned gated neighborhood/area - FernClan (located in the local abandoned mall), PondClan (located in the abandoned golf course), GleamClan (located in the local abandoned restaurant/diner), and FieldClan (located in the abandoned K-12 academy school). I won’t go too much into them here since I want to explore their worldbuilding in my fic, but keep an eye out for them when I drop the first chapter of Ribs! 

Talk about your feelings about the Warriors series! 

Oh man. A lot. The series itself is… disappointing, at best, but I’m awfully attached to it no matter how many times I try to break away from it. It was my biggest media interest growing up (keyword: media), so it’s a pretty big part of me and the way I grew up. Plus I met a good chunk of my friends through warrior cats related areas, so :’)!!! It’s a series that despite all its flaws is incredibly close to me but I’m mainly here to read everyone’s fan content because MAN does the fan content go above and beyond!

(Asked by @/whocares-idont) What’s your opinion on fan made Clan pantheons? 

I LOOVE fan made Clan pantheons actually! Mythology was always something I loved learning about as a kid, and I’m particularly fond of the worldbuilding people make for the Warriors setting. I feel like creating a pantheon and mythos tied to it adds to the depth of the world and makes it all the more interesting and realistic, especially since mythology is such a huge part of so many cultures, both ancient and modern one. I think creating pantheons really adds to the setting people make with warriors, and, honestly, they’re always really fun to read about!!

[migleefulmoments]

awesome-fanfictionada * tumblr * com / post / 615676095589728256 so anon ask how it's possible that no one's ever let the cat out of the bag this entire time (not to mention no one's ever captured a surreptitious pic of C/D together) and the answer is a rambling response filled with fake rumors and inane talk about smiling at each other. basically, there is no answer for how darren's "incompetent" team has kept a lid on this secret for nearly a decade. cuz they haven't. cuz it's all bullshit.

The first thing to keep in mind is that awesome is a newbie- she popped up in January 2020. Everything she knows is from "researching” the ccers favorite gifs and answers Abby and co gave to their nonnies in the last few years. She was trolling through the cc masterposts but most of them are long gone so she basically learned through their favorite gif playlist-if you put all the gifs together and took away the slow-mo feature it was probably a total of 4 minutes or less of Chris and Darren’s lives and all of it was from the Glee set or during promo for the show.  

I wrote my comments after her post: 

Anonymous asked:

So, we're 8-9 years? into this whole situation. I want to know how no one has ever let something slip about the truth. There's a lot of pieces in motion...PR houses, SM, appearances with beards, them being together (physically in the same place, like living together) without public knowledge. There's also a lot of people that would have knowledge of the situation. And some of them are not that bright or discreet. It's an incredible amount of time to maintain all of this.

Dear Anon, I’m not sure about the tone of your ask and if you want me to convert you or reassure you? However, I’ll just comment on the things you say. It’s not correct that no one has ever let anything slip about them, there have been in the past people who (2) tweeted about them as a couple just to dleete the tweet shortly after. Not always, some tweets are there still. (3)There have been IG posts and radio interviews with the voice of one of them in the background when there was supposed to be no official interaction. There have been other let’s call them (4)“clues” - even if they weren’t meant to be such. (5) It’s been many years, yes, and with the years comes the ease and the routine, everybody is aware of the situation, teams know what they have to do to keep it going (though sometimes they also slip up, some more than others). With the years the startling suspicion that they might be indeed a couple subsides and nobody cares about it anymore (but us), no one goes out to investigate because why should they? (6)Who cares about D marrying to hide the fact that he’s gay? He’s not the first nor the last to do it. (7) And he’s not that famous that people will want to know at all costs or have tabloids to pay for the scoop. (8) No, it is still his team that needs to pay to get articles out (talking about M mostly). And based on the comments they get on such articles, D’s secret seems to be an open one. Why would anyone tell about them? In HW everyone knows everything about everybody but they seldom tell cause they are all in it together - so who should tell and whom to? (9) Besides - there are plenty of couples in HW and around HW who are pretty secretive about their relationships and have been for years without anyone finding out anything they did not want exposed. Some couples are never seen together anywhere but are known to be married because they have at some point or another confirmed their relationship. (11) It is a long time to maintain this but if the parties involved are fine with the outcome (I doubt D and C are now, but for argument’s sake) nothing will get in the way to disturb the situation.

Do you want me to confirm to you that they actually live together? I cannot. That they have been together all the time? I cannot. (12) But look at them interact at the G/lee reunion and tell me honestly that there isn’t anything going on between them - they have been looking at each other that way for almost 10 years now. Have they at any time looked at their official SO in the same way? They make each other smile and laugh, that counts for very much in a relationship.  

Yes, I started on 2...ignore there is no 1. 

2. She mentions the Tweets that were soon deleted- this is one of my favorite arguments because it’s the most pathetic proof and proves just how easy it is to con a tinhat. Faking a Tweet has been easy for many years and anyone with photoshop skills could do it from day one. Tweets that showed up, then quickly disappeared but luckily ONE person managed to get a screencap? Riiigggghhhhttttttt. We also know that a couple of those famous disappearing Tweets were never real but were written about as part of the “news” post that GleekinthePink mistook for real but was later proven to be fanfiction. 

3. The videos where they hear the voice of the other -usually in a laugh- aren’t “proof” of a relationship. First of all, the obvious, we don’t know who it is since they are off-camera and the person on camera never makes a face of surprise like I would expect if the other outed them. It also makes no sense to imagine that Darren married Mia to protect the secrets but they took a risk by having the other in the room during a live or while shooting a video they posted to social media. I can’t imagine taking a chance like that on something as stupid as a promo Livestream or a haircut-maybe to attend a small family event like Chris’s mom’s funeral or his dad’s wedding, but not a haircut. 

4. What clues did they give away exactly? The not-actually-matching shirts? The not-at-all matching duvet covers? The song lyrics? None of these “clues” are evidence of a relationship. They are simply evidence of a fandom obsessed with making everything into confirmation bias and Abby’s talent at bringing everything back to Crisscolfer.   

5. Now she starts to layout her argument that “everyone knows and they are willing to keep it a secret because who cares”? This argument is so weak I would hope that her community should see right through it, but I’m sure they don’t. I’ve learned through my interactions with Trump supporters and ccers that people who are in a group because they want to win and to be special, people who are bonded together through anger, misogyny, and hate require very little fact-based information. They thrive on short sentences-repeated often- and in anger and having a scapegoat to hurl all their shit at. Having someone to hate is like meth- it’s highly addictive, it rots their brains and it keeps them coming back even after it is killing them. I am sure that any ccer who reads awesome’s post will accept it all at face value.  Hollywood isn’t a close community full of people who either love and respect each other enough to protect Darren or are indifferent as long as it doesn’t affect them. The fact is, Hollywood is a small community, yes. If cc were a couple, everyone would know but being a small community and one willing to hide another’s deep dark secrets aren’t the same thing. Nobody has a reason to protect Chris and Darren by lying or actively working to protect their secrets.. People like and respect Darren because he’s genuine, honest, kind, and interesting but ccDarren is none of those things. He’s a liar who is hiding in the closet because he’s can’t give up his fame, he “treats Mia like shit”, he continues to work with the man who put him in the closet using THE Contract. THE Contract alone would be HUGE and go well beyond tabloid fodder. The NYT and WaPo would be all over the story of Ryan Muphy and Fox TV forcing Darren into the closet, forcing a beard and forbidding them to interact for a decade. 

The biggest reason her theory is nothing but a naive fantasy is that Hollywood isn’t a static community.  Over the last decade, many people came and went and there is no way you will ever convince me that in 10 years, not one person let it slip or was willing to sell them out for their own 15 minutes of fame or blackmailed one of the players get something they wanted. Darren is a vary social man and lots of people consider him their friend. He attends a lot of functions where people see him with Mia. Either ccDarren and ccChris never go out in public- for 10 years they have kept their relationship inside at one of their homes and only a couple of friends know the truth or it’s statistically inconceivable that someone hasn’t slipped or outed them. Glee had a huge cast and crew- add the plus ones and we have a crap ton of people who know, but not one person told a friend who let it slip? Nobody told a friend who works at TMZ or knows someone who does or who is on TMZ payroll? Puh-leaze . 

The tabloids would LOVE to get ahold of CrissColfer- not simply because they are gay, but because Darren has presented as straight for over 10 years and he just married a woman! He also said as a straight man he won’t play another gay character. A gay Darren would be tabloid fodder at any level but as Abby loved to point out, he just won every award; he’s one of the Ryan Murphy Players and his career is on fire right now. CDAN has posted multiple blinds about Darren being gay over the years which proves that tabloids would be interested in such a story.  

6. In 2020 it would be big news if a celeb married to hide a gay relationship.  Especially if that man was famous for playing gay characters and who has been in a relationship with the woman he married for 10+ years. Awesome is dreaming if she imagines nobody would care about such a story.  It’s a story about deception and lies but if you add in the shit they believe, THE Contracts and being forced in the closet, a paid beard who abuses Darren and hidden relationship with another man who has presented another man as his long-term boyfriend? Yeah, that would be huge news. 

7. I have no clue why she thinks he isn’t famous enough to have a tabloid pay for information. Has she read TMZ in the last 5 years? It’s full of stories about Farah Abrahman and other reality stars and their shenanigans. You don’t have to be a huge blockbuster movie star to get a tabloid interested. You only need a sordid story about love mixed with deception, sex, money murder or abuse of power. The tabloids feed off stories like the tinhats have written CrissColfer. 

8. I always love the comments about his team forcing articles out -especially Mia. WTF? His team doesn’t force out articles- they get him publicity when he has a project. Darren hasn’t done all that much press I would call fake, certainly, not many that are written by his team or read as if they just pieced together PR pieces written by his team. Maybe ccers are finding nonsense articles that are clearly written for clicks (they were debating about one last month that was clearly written by someone who Googled Darren and cobbled together his story from what they found online without trying very hard. It wasn’t even written well.  It’s super easy to avoid those articles- if they say “sponsored” that’s a good clue. If you have to click through paragraph by paragraph or photo by photo, or you can barely see the article among the flashing ads, you’re probably reading something of poor quality and not worthy of your time. Stick with articles that are more reputable-actual entertainment publications that cover the industry and including interviews or stories written by journalists. BTW, when was Mia in an article last? I mean more than a mention or two? She was quoted in some for TSG’s opening but other than that she isn’t in the pieces.  

9. There are plenty of couples who keep their relationships quiet but Darren Criss is NOT one of them. Neither is Chris Colfer... but especially not Darren Criss. He doesn’t talk about his relationship per se but is mentioned in places where one would normally talk about one’s spouse. Mia is always by his side and clearly enmeshed in his life- they share old friends and live and work together. The people awesome is referring t-those who keep their private lives private- aren’t running around with a fake wife or fake husband to protect their actual relationships- they are just keeping everything quiet-think Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes or early Angelina and Brad. Arguing that because some celeb’s keep their private life private, it is rational to believe that Darren and Chris are simply one of those couples is a fallacy-but it’s almost 3 am and I’m too tired to think about which one it is. 

11. Now she’s arguing that in over a decade in Hollywood, the people in Darren’s and Chris’s lives have been static and therefore there isn’t anyone to rock the boat and out them. An interesting argument in light of Darren’s resume over the last 9 years- Broadway (4 different shows (2 Hedwigs)), TV (Royalties, Hollywood, Glee, AHS, ACS), music (including a few tours, 2 albums, multiple one-off shows, and several music videos), Elsie Fest, two feature movies and all the award shows, charity events, fundraisers, and other random things that Darren does. He also owns two businesses that we know of- TSG and The Motley.  That’s a shitload of people that he’s interacted with just at work in the last decade. Oh and add all the people who worked on the wedding-the vendors and their staffs- it’s unrealistic to believe that not one of them realized something was ccUp. Chris entirely changed careers adding all the people in the publishing world that an author works with. He also has done a couple of shows for TV. I’m not even considering the charities they both work with. Not only is this a LOT of people who are keeping their mouths shut, but it isn’t a static group-Darren filmed Hollywood and Royalties this year and rehearsed Amerian Buffalo bringing in an entirely new set of people to work with. If Chris gets his TLOS movie off the ground that will be hundreds and hundreds of new people with him  The fact is, Hollywood isn’t static- it’s the most unstable business I can think of with new people coming to seek their dreams and others giving up or going off to do something else like music or Broadway. There are alwasy new people coming and others going. If Darren and Chris were in fact in a relationship then lots of people near htier homes would know- grocery store workers, restaurant staff, dry cleaners, etc. Yet nobody with this type of evidence has ever even suggested they are a couple. The legit media has never sniffed around trying to find out if Darren is actually gay or with Chris. That says a lot about the validity of the story. Darren would have been hounded by the media when he started playing Blaine but was telling everyone he was staright and showing up at events with Mia. 

Hollywood isn’t known for being altruistic and kind. It’s a ruthless industry full of people with huge egos and big power and people who are broke and just want to get hired for a part, they want their dreams to come true. Hollywood is a town of desperation for so many with big dreams and a quick buck selling a story to a tabloid or the 10 minutes of fan that it would bring- hell even someone making a deal with TMZ to cover them for a period of time in exchange for info about Chris and Colfer is wayyy more credible rational than believing Hollywood is static and nobody has a reason to out Darren.  

12. Laughter and joy are important in a relationship but smiling at someone during a charity online reunion isn’t proof of anything- it’s just common courtesy to be polite in that scenario. Notice they once again are relying on a photo- a stillshot from a video- 1 single frame is “PROOF they are in love” because Chris is giving heart eyes to Darren.   

If your entire argument is they have overwhelming chemistry then you must know that nobody will take you seriously and you should really get listen to an objective opinion by someone who isn’t desperately searching for confirmation bias that they are a couple. Good chemistry doesn’t make a relationship-lots of people have good chemistry and they aren’t in a relationship and lots of people in relationships have poor chemistry. It isn’t proof of anything except that ccers have no evidence.   

[tervacious]

Since Everything is a Feminist Dissertation Imma blog about Shane Dawson’s palette for a minute

Nine times out of ten when you make a statement and end it with BUT, you have outted yourself as a hypocritical ass who should have the ovarios to say what follows the BUT without the opening statement.  Maybe this will be true for me too.

In agreement with most radfems I totally think the cosmetics industry is a clusterfuck of male entitlement and wealth being siphoned away from girls and women to men and male CEOs, etc etc, and I also think the sheer amount of product and time involved in placing thirty-five different products on one’s face to achieve a “natural” look is insidious and a perfect exemplar of what misogyny functions like on a daily basis, BUT

I’m a survivor of an extreme fundie xtian cult that controlled female behavior by emphasizing conformity, femininity, modesty, and lack of adornment/personality.  I did not like this even as a small child because I’m a loner, Dottie.  A rebel.  Which means I was a totally normal little girl who didn’t like being controlled and who fought back at every opportunity.

Which might explain why I’m a goth.  I’m also an artist, and I’m on this planet, as are you, for a very tiny amount of time, and if I want to spend a fraction of that time adorning myself and wearing lots of black eyeliner, by the goddess I’ll fucking do it.  And there’s nothing radical or feminist about that, any more than there’s anything inherently radical or feminist about not doing it.

I have a single small dresser drawer filled with makeup, and I’ve been eyeballing it recently because I should really pitch out and replace about 80% of it for age related reasons alone.

And thus we come to the Conspiracy palette by Shane Dawson x Jeffree Star, and also the mini palette, Lorde help me

Jesus christ, look at that.

I only buy one eyeshadow palette at a time and use it until it is gone or falls apart into dust.  The current state of the beauty industry is such that they are pressuring women and girls into buying palette after palette, some of them enormous, some small, but a grown-ass woman owning stacks of these things is not unusual anymore.  And new ones are coming out constantly-- to the point where there’s a whole part of beauty YouTube devoted to “the anti-haul”, in which people announce which makeup thing they will NOT be buying.  This is a sorry state of affairs, there’s no way around it.

I don’t collect makeup because that’s silly.  It’s a huge waste of money.  I watch otherwise sensible women hoarding vast numbers of eyeshadow palettes, and they use only one or two colors and that’s... just sad?  Apply that to the vast quantities of makeup products, to your lipsticks and glosses, to your pencils and correctors and corrector palettes and concealers and blushes and highlighters and contours and powders and foundations and primers and mattifiers and setting sprays and mascaras and a bunch of others things I forget, add a pile of false eyelashes and I don’t know, eyebrow merkins or some shit, and that’s what a well-appointed makeup afficionado is supposed to have in her arsenal.  And all those things can’t be just one-- you have to have multiples, for reasons.  But I honestly think the eyeshadow obsession is the worst, which is strange coming from me, because I adore eyeshadow.  

And yet in spite of this I have a black stand-alone eyeshadow pan, and one large palette that is cheap, made in China, not great but with a lot of weird colors in it, so I use that one when I bother, and a few pots of glitter.  My plan is to use it up or wait until it’s too old to use safely, and then pitch it/repurpose the case for something (it is literally the size of a laptop with a huge mirror in it so I can think of something), and get a new palette.  I only buy one at a time, and use it until it’s gone.  You know, like a rational person.

At first I’d decided when the time comes I’d get the Jawbreaker palette and mini, by Jeffree Star, because I loved the colors, but now I’ve changed my mind, because Shane Dawson’s not only has a case that matches my aesthetic, it also has awesome colors and, most importantly, BLACK.  I use black eyeshadow alone or to set my eyeliner, so I’m devoted.  And while all of these palettes have too many neutrals for my taste you can always use those for some kinda detail, and the Conspiracy Palette is my jam.  It’s really gorgeous.  Not gonna lie.

The documentary he made about the making of this palette is interesting on multiple levels-- there’s the process itself, which I didn’t know shit about until now.  There was the portrayal of his relationship with Jeffree, which was interesting and often pretty funny, and touching.  And from my chronic can’t stop writing feminist dissertations POV, the way women are the target of this business and yet completely sidelined was a real eyeopener.   Let me just mention this one part:

In the final episode when the palette is assembled, each pan glued into the box and then the box boxed up, there’s a song with a woman singing about how she’ll never be Prom Queen.  Shane is walking through the assembly line, emotional, because this is his project coming to fruition.  Jeffree is with him, and Shane starts crying, and Jeffree comforts him.  The song is clearly meant to be something Shane feels.

But the scene is of dozens of women, none of whom will be prom queen, none of whom are about to make millions of dollars on cosmetics, in white coats and hair protectors and goggles, busily assembling a beautiful object, which one suspects only a few of them will be able to afford for themselves though I can’t swear to that, it’s possible they are paid well, the place is unusual, Jeffree makes all his product in the United States, and I’m not inclined to jump to conclusions.  But they are anonymously and busily working, putting together this thing, meant for women, and no woman really had any functional input into this project at all.  This was, as everyone was joking, Shane and Jeffree’s baby.  A baby.  You know, the thing a man can never have.

I appreciate film making that reveals truth, even if it wasn’t intentional.

So other than that there’s not much to say.  You can watch the epic thing yourself on YouTube, it was entertaining (and good for me because I need to opt out of some of the heavier shit I’m always buried in, yet one more reason I fucking QUIT MY JOB and am now FREE,) but if you want a look into the way the business works on the indy end of the spectrum, not the old timey Cosmetics Corporations but the new one that Jeffree Star basically spearheaded and upturned large chunks of the old business model, I think this documentary is a good one for understanding exactly how marginalized women remain in a business that ostensibly is directed at us.

The reason I think women like watching men like Jeffree and Shane and whoever else do these things is because it aids and abets the lie that wearing makeup is all a choice women make.  The men are choosing, because men have zero pressure on them to do these things.  Women are taught to have affinity with men and to ignore their lack of affinity with us.  These bits of entertainment are a great brainwashing reinforcing device, to get us along for the ride, to hop in the car we never ever get to drive.  And none of it is intentional, which is the best part.  As smart as Shane is, the joy of being male is you just take things, casually, as your birthright.  You’re totally entitled to make a nine-hour epic following your friends and family, unapologetically, put it on the internet, and get accolades, including the one I’m writing right now.  You’re entitled to dictate the facts as if they contain a great truth.  You can be totally unaware of the impact your decisions have for the greater bad.  You can think you’re helping your sister-in-law through her crisis created by the very culture you are responsible for while mocking the women she blames for making her feel bad.  This set of films is a monolithic treat for a radical woman to confront.  And I hope, since there’s truth hidden in plain sight throughout, that a lot of other women and girls will see it too.  Will notice the few females scattered throughout the film, consulted in the most cursory way, knowing they have to perform or they’re replaceable.  I’m an Old, and used to seeing the real world, which has looked like this all my life.  I don’t know what a fifteen year-old will see.

Tati Westbrook also released a new eyeshadow palette last week I think, and since people think if she puts out a forty-five minute video she’s talking too much, she naturally did not film a massive docudrama showcasing her Eyeshadow Palette Journey or whatever I could imagine her saying.  Thus she was very much overshadowed by something that won’t appear for sale until tomorrow.  I have no doubt she’ll do well, but will she make twenty million dollars?  Will she do as well as she could have if she were a man?

Should anyone, off of what is essentially bullshit?   Pretty, gorgeous bullshit?  Of course not.  That’s the actual feminist conclusion, it doesn’t matter if a male or a female is profitting off of, essentially, the insecurities and desires for cool new things and to be hip and liked and looked up to, which all of us have to some extent in some arena.  I’m not immune to it either, ain’t lying again.  It’s always an unseemly pleasure to have someone half my age ask me what I’m wearing and where I got it.  Capitalism has conditioned all of us to associate material things with social acceptance and admiration, and if you are a materialist person like I am, that association comes very easily.

Anyway, that’s it, that’s the bit.  I have no doubt this thing will sell out in approximately two hours, which will happen without me because my old eyeshadow palette still works.  

[firelxdykatara]

1, 9 and 25 for the tv show/movie ask!

TOP FIVE TV SHOWS: This changes a lot but I’ll go with the most consistent ones I can think of!

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yes, it’s very dated, and yes, Joss Whedon ain’t shit, but this remains one of my all-time favorite shows, and Buffy Summers remains one of my favorite characters, and there are so many episodes I can watch again and again and never get bored. It has a magic to it that even Angel could never quite capture, and I always find myself going back to it when I’m not sure what to watch but just want something that I’ll enjoy.

2. Avatar: the Last Airbender: Obviously, given my blog name, I have a deep and abiding love for this series. Is it perfect? Of course not, and there are some major things I wish were different, but overall it’s an amazing show with fantastic characters and a brilliant overarching plot, and it manages to stand up to modern scrutiny even though it’s been over a decade since it finished airing.

3. The Nanny. To this day, The Nanny is probably my favorite sitcom of all time. It was released in the 90s, but unlike a lot of sitcoms of the era (Friends immediately comes to mind, though they weren’t the worst offender) the vast majority of its humor doesn’t rely on ‘no homo’ jokes or misogyny/transphobic gags. (There are some off-color jokes, of course--it was the nineties. But this is one of the few shows where I can watch 90% of the episodes without cringing.) Most of the humor is centered around Fran’s hilarious antics, and it’s still a show I can put on whenever I need a good laugh, and it will never disappoint.

4. Leverage. I just love this show so much. A bunch of thieves come together for a job with one (1) honest man to give them a plan, and suddenly they’ve become a family who steal from the rich to give to the poor and disenfranchised and I love every since one of them. Even Nate. Plus, the ot3 is real. Hitter Hacker Thief owns my goddamn soul.

5. Person of Interest. Listen, it was a fantastic show, and yeah it got a little weird near the end, and also Joss Carter deserved better, but it had two of the most fucking cathartic and viscerally satisfying villain deaths I have ever seen in my life. “Oh, no, I’m not gonna kill you--I’m just gonna watch.” and “Now I surrender.” Just.... poetic fucking cinema, ok???

TOP FIVE CHARACTERS: Same deal, this is a list that will change frequently, but these are my most consistent faves:

1. Elena Gilbert from The Vampire Diaries. Surprising absolutely no one who was around for my TVD fandom days, or who has seen me talking about anything TVD related, Elena fucking Gilbert is my girl forever and she deserved so much better. From the show and from the gods forsaken fandom. I’m not gonna get into it cause I don’t need to be dropping thousands of words for an ask meme post, but evidently Elena was the harbinger signaling my love for orphaned brunettes with doe eyes and pain hidden behind a smile, but I just love her so goddamn much and I always will.

2. Buffy Summers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She saved the world. A lot. She’s my absolute favorite character from BtVS and frankly she deserved better, too--fuck absolutely everyone after Empty Places--but I just... love her so much. And her arc in season 6 means so much to me as someone constantly struggling with depression and ptsd (mine is related to childhood trauma, but that’s not beside the point). Buffy is far from perfect, and she makes mistakes, but she does the job literally no one else can do, and she’s so incredibly strong. I can’t imagine going through what she went through and not completely breaking down.

3. Emma Swan from Once Upon a Time. Ok, so not a brunette, but still a woman with severe abandonment issues who grew up believing she was an orphan and kept being punished by the show, and who definitely deserved better. (No, I’m not over the ending to season 4, and I never will be.) My one comfort is knowing that she fell in love with a man who loved and cherished and appreciated her just as much as she deserved, and she got to live a long and happy life with him and their daughter.

4. Katara from Avatar: the Last Airbender. Again probably not a surprise, given my blog, but I just. I love Katara so much. And she deserved so much better than what LoK reduced her to, and where the fuck was her statue, Bryke??? Where????? Anyway, she’s the ultimate Mom Friend who won’t hesitate to cut a bitch if they hurt her friends, and I just think she’s amazing.

5. Rogue from Marvel. Just... every version of her. Rogue was my favorite character from the original X-Men trilogy, which was my first real introduction to Marvel, and she was my favorite character in X-Men: Evolution, and by the time I finally got to actually read some of her comics I loved her even more. While I still love her in the original trilogy I also wish they’d given Anna Paquin more to work with, bc she sure fucking could have done it (and she’s even said she would’ve loved to be able to fly and punch people, and I 100% think she could’ve pulled off Rogue’s natural sass brilliantly), and she’s one of my all-time faves and has been for almost twenty years.

TOP FIVE SHIPS: -laughs nervously- i can only choose five???

1. Katara and Zuko from Avatar: the Last Airbender. Anyone who’s surprised, feel free to stand on your head. >.> LISTEN, OK, JUST LISTEN. Zuko and Katara had an amazing emotional journey in canon, and I love so much how their relationship developed, and there’s so much potential for how they could have grown as a couple and I just. This is why we have fanfic and fanart. (And frankly, I’m glad they weren’t canon--given what was done to the canon ships, I wouldn’t trust Bryke with them. I shudder to think what would’ve happened to Zutara if they were canon and Bryke was in charge of their story.)

2. Veronica Mars and Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars. Listen, we’re just gonna... ignore the last five minutes of 4x08 (and Rob Thomas can fucking bite me). I spent a decade loving these two utter fools and I finally got to see them get fucking married and they are going to live long and happy lives and Veronica’s always gonna Veronica but Logan loves her and she loves him and they’ll work through any problems they have together like mature, rational adults, and they’ll keep solving mysteries cause trouble sticks to V like a bad rash and Logan will always be there to help her, and nothing can take that away from me.

3. Emma Swan and Killian Jones from Once Upon a Time. Killian’s redemption arc is probably second only to Zuko’s, and I fucking love how much he loves Emma Swan. It’s what she deserves. They build each other up and love and cherish each other so goddamn much and I still get choked up just thinking about them. (Usually I pretend that their wedding went off without a hitch and s7 didn’t happen because there was REALLY no need. This trend of shows continuing after their female leads bail needs to stop, I’ve literally never seen it end in anything except the show being panned for however many seasons it ran after the lead’s departure, and rightfully so.)

4. Elena Gilbert and Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries. The show did them so fucking dirty in the later seasons, but fuck if those first four seasons of amazing development don’t still fuck me up. And however much TVD ran itself into the ground, I will always have Elena, and Delena, and my love for them despite how awful the show became.

5. Rikki Chadwick and Zane Bennett from H2O: Just Add Water. Season 3 can bite me, Rikki and Zane were happy together and Zane had so much growth from the jackass he was at the beginning of season 1, and no way would he have cheated on Rikki even for a moment. They deserved so much better my gods.

[artificialqueens]

I Don't Care About the Presents Underneath the Christmas Tree (Mom Sharon- Daughter Aquaria) - Sammy Indigo

A/N: And it’s Day 4! This is part of my Mom Sharon- Daughter Aquaria verse, set back when Aquaira was five years old. This is the first time I’ve published an interaction with Jinkx in this universe and I hope you enjoy it. xxx

It was three weeks until Christmas day and Sharon was two months late paying her phone bill.

“She’s beautiful.” Aquaria sighed, nose pressed against the glass front of the store. “Like an angel.”

“Don’t put your face on there, Aqua, it’s dirty.”

“But I wanna look at the doll, Mommy.”

Sharon squinted at the doll through the water marked glass. The blonde Barbie was central to the bright red and green display, her massive red ball gown taking up much of the window, despite the doll’s small size. 

Aquaria traced the outline of the dress with her fingers. “She’s the most beautifulist person I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“No.” Sharon frowned. “She’s an unrealistic standard of femininity that does nothing to empower young girls.” She tried to steer Aquaria away from the view, but the little girl resisted, pulling back to gawk at the holiday-themed doll. Sharon frowned at the large price tag shaped into what she supposed was meant to be an unthreatening Christmas tree shape. “Plus, girl thinks she’s worth a hundred dollars. Goddamn capitalist society.”

“I’d pay a million trillion dollars for her.” Aquaria said. “She’s worth that much, I think.”

“Yeah, well,” Sharon grabbed her hand and tugged her away down the street, “you’re five, so you don’t get an opinion on the capitalist economy.”

Aquaria looked up at her, little face barely visible beneath the woolly hat that kept slipping into her eyes. “I’m gonna ask Santa for her.”

Sharon’s heart sank. “Oh, yeah?” She said.

“Mmhmm.” Aquaria ran a little to keep up with Sharon’s quick pace. “You said I’ve been good, so he’ll bring her for me.”

“You sure you want a stupid, lame, boring old doll like that?” She weaved the two of them around the various groups of people taking up the sidewalk. “Seems a little mainstream.”

“What’s that mean?”

“Common.” Sharon said. “Like, everyone has one.”

Aquaria squeezed her hand. “That’s because everyone loves her.”

Christmas was three weeks away and Sharon was poor.

So far, the only thing Aquaria had asked for was a ‘sparkly dress’, and Sharon had managed to find some black and grey tulle in a back corner of Jinkx’s hallway closet, and had fashioned it into a tutu. She had been planning on gluing rhinestones onto it once she got her hands on some glue. 

When she was ten months old, for her first Christmas, Jinkx had made Aquaria a stocking from an old ugly Christmas sweater, and every year Sharon filled it with candy, and shit from the dollar store. Thus far in her short life, that had been enough for Aquaria. It was all Sharon had to offer.

“She’s all I’ve ever wanted ever.” Aquaria said wistfully. 

Sharon currently had three dollars sixty five cents in her bank account, two dollars thirty eight in her wallet, and somewhere around ninety dollars in a used coffee jar that she kept hidden in a shoebox under her bed, that she was slowly saving for Aquaria’s future. 

Andshe was a week late with rent.

Andshe hadn’t paid her phone bill.

Andshe owed Jinkx over six hundred dollars from six years of borrowing here and there from her friend just to get by.

She refused to acknowledge the thousands of dollars she owed in student loans, at least until she actually had a qualification in her hand to prove it was all worth it.

“A hundred dollars is a lot of money, kiddo.” Sharon said.

Aquaria smiled up at her. “Don’t worry. Santa can get it.”

“What if Santa is a little short on cash this year?”

The little girl frowned. “But the elves make the toys. Santa doesn’t need to pay.”

Sharon nodded. “Right. No middle man for Santa.”

“Don’t worry, Mommy.” Aquaria said with a smile, “I’ve been super good this year, you said I have, so Santa will get me my Barbie.”

…………….

It was two weeks until Christmas day and the rent had been paid.

Jinkx had done overtime at the job she hated, but had still had to sacrifice hours in order to help out Sharon with childcare. Sharon had taken four extra shifts waitressing straight after her night classes and had turned up the charm to painful levels of pleasantness to gain extra tips from willing customers. She had barely seen Aquaria, dropping her off at school, going to work, going to class, going back to work, and returning home in the early hours to Aquaria already asleep.

It was enough to scrape together rent money. Not enough for the late fees. Their landlord liked Jinkx better, so she took the money in person, toting along an enchanting Aquaria with hopes of the older woman taking pity and waiving their late fee. Kasha was a sucker for Aqua’s doe eyes, and Jinkx returned home happy, clutching a rental receipt, with a just as happy Aquaria, clutching a ten-cent sucker.

Sharon’s phone bill remained unpaid.

“I told Mrs Kasha about my Barbie that Santa’s bringing me.” Aquaria said, licking the purple lolly. “She says that Santa will bring me anything I want ‘cause I’m so damn cute.”

“Oh.” Sharon eyed Jinkx. “She said that did she?”

“Uh huh. And she gave me this lollipop.”

“How kind.”

Aquaria stood from her place at the table, sticking the sucker in one cheek, like a hamster, and wiping her hands on her tights. “Can I go colour in our room?”

“Sure.” Sharon said, and the little girl took off towards the room off the far side of the living room. “But stay off our bed!” Sharon called after her. “All my school work is on there. Don’t mess it up.”

“Okay.” She called back.

“And don’t draw anymore rainbows on my printouts. While I appreciated the artistry, my professor did not.” Sharon railed off as Aquaria kicked the bedroom door closed. As soon as the kid was out of sight, Sharon let her head fall to the table top, sighing dramatically. “I’m fucked.”

Jinkx flicked her ear. “No, we’re fucked.” She said as Sharon sat up. “This is a team effort.”

“Jinkxy I have nothing. Nothing.” 

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic. You have lots of things.” Jinkx said. “You have me, your best friend in the whole entire world.” She pinched her arm. “You have Aquaria, you have a roof over your head for another month.” She shrugged. “Plenty of people don’t even have that.”

“I guess.”

“Plus, in the grand scheme of things, this ‘being horrifically broke’ thing, will just be another chapter in your biography that will make you more relatable in the long run.”

Sharon gently kicked Jinkx in the shin under the table. “You’re stupid.” She smirked.

“But it made you smile.” She said. Jinkx took her hand. “Hey,” she dropped her voice, “six years ago, you were six months pregnant, lying on my futon in my studio apartment, trying to convince me you hadn’t just been rubbing coke on your gums-,”

“Don’t-,”

“Sharon,” Jinkx said firmly, “it happened, it was a bad time, but it happened.”

“I just, I just hate thinking about it.” Sharon said, casing her eyes down to the chipped black polish on her thumb. “I like to pretend it wasn’t real.”

“But it was. And it was awful. And I have a point.” She squeezed her hand. “Sharon, it will never be that bad again. I’ve seen you at your lowest, and thatwas it.” Jinkx grinned. “So fucking what if you can’t afford rent, or school, or-,”

“A fucking holiday Barbie?”

“Right!” Jinkx clapped. “Who cares? You’re good. You’re great!” She punched Sharon in the shoulder. “It’ll all be fine. We’ll be fine.”

“We will?”

“Oh, yeah. One day I’m going to open my store of curious curiosities, and one day you’ll live out your lesbian suburban fantasy.” She crumpled up the rental receipt. “Fuck all this shit, you’ll have a fucking mortgage!”

Sharon smirked. “I’ll even invite you to my house on Christmas and you can watch me and my sexy wife make out under the mistletoe.”

“While I get drunk on Goldschläger?”

“Sure.”

“And where is your daughter in all this?”

“Aquaria’s in our huge ass living room, in front of our huge ass fire place, playing with a fucking Holiday Barbie doll.” She groaned. “Kid has never shown interest in fucking Barbies her entire life. Why now?”

“She’s five. Five year olds love dolls.”

“I don’t want my kid playing with a symbol of misogyny.” Sharon said. “Plus her tits are fake.”

“The whole of her is fake, genius.” Jinkx laughed. “It’s a doll. And I don’t think Barbie is too bad. I mean, girl has had some pretty great jobs. Doctor, teacher, astronaut. That’s a role model.”

“No, it just shows she can’t hold down a career. She’s a flake. And a fraud.”

“Well,” Jinkx shrugged, “Aquaria likes her now, so you better get used to the blonde bitch.” 

The bedroom door opened and Aquaria skipped into the kitchen, placing a piece of paper down on the table. “I made my letter.” She said proudly. “Can you mail it to Santa? He needs to know A-snap what I want.”

“A-snap?” Jinkx asked, glancing to Sharon. She shrugged her shoulders.

“Yeah.” Aquaria said. “It means right now. My teacher always says ‘I need a drink a-snap with these kids!’ She’s always thirsty.”

“ASAP.” Sharon said, chuckling. “As soon as possible. And we might need to make sure your teacher is okay.”

Aquaria ignored her. “So can you mail it for me, Mommy?”

“Sure.”

Aquaria pulled her down by her neck to give her a kiss. “I’m gonna go draw you a picture to make you happy, Mama, ‘kay?” She kissed her, again. “I love you, Mommy. My whole heart loves you.” Aquaria let her go and ran back off to the bedroom. 

The door closed. Sharon turned to Jinkx. “You know, Jinkxy, prostitution really wasn’t that bad.”

“I know you’re joking but it still makes my skin crawl.”

“Five blow jobs on the south side of town and I could get her that damn doll.”

“You’d only charge twenty dollars for a blow job?”

“That was my rate.” Sharon shrugged.

Jinkx grimaced. “I guess that’s another thing to add to your biography.” She shook her head. “Glad that chapter’s over.”

“Same.” Sharon said. She propped her head up in her hand. “The crabs just aren’t worth it.”

Jinkx threw the rental receipt at her head.

……………………….

It was the Christmas Eve and Sharon was in Goodwill. 

She had eighteen dollars in tips from waitressing earlier in the day, and twelve minutes until the store closed.

Sharon’s phone bill remained unpaid.

The store was busy, which she hadn’t expected, and the sheer amount of people pushing past each other to get to the toys and children’s clothing selection, made Sharon feel better about herself. The holiday Barbie was a pipe dream, and Santa would not be leaving one under the tree for Aquaria. That was something Sharon just had to live with.

Sharon had a lot she just had to live with.

Goodwill had Barbie dolls. Most were naked, sealed in little clear plastic bags, with a price sticker stuck to the front. The clothes were in the same plastic bags, spread out over a shelf. 

Sharon picked one up. “God, fake or not,” she muttered, “you do have great tits, Barbara.”

There weren’t many dolls left, and the one Sharon had in her hand, had a pen mark down the leg. She put it back. Barbie dolls had never really spoken to Sharon on an emotional level. It sounded stupid, but it was a fact. As a child Sharon had been bought countless Barbies, Sindys, Jems, the cars, the horses, the dream house. Her mother had been relentless in attempting to pass on her love of the fashion dolls, but Sharon had just never felt for them. They were the girls she hated in school. They were the toys that reminded her she was supposed to look a certain way. Act a certain way.

Aquaria didn’t need that. At least, not yet. Not at five years old. Maybe when she was older and could spell ‘misogynistic gender stereotypes’.

Sharon eyed the parents rummaging through the piles of doll clothes on the shelf and thought again about her mother. She hadn’t spoken to her mother or father since before Aquaria was born, and they hadn’t replied to any of the letters Sharon had sent over the years, so she had just stopped trying. But she thought of them. She thought her mother would probably accuse her of being ‘too P.C.’ for not buying Aqua the doll. She moved around the corner to the other toys.

Eighteen dollars and five minutes.

The staff were kindly, but firmly, reminding the customers still in the store that they had five minutes before closing. Many pushed forward to the cash registers, a line forming, while Sharon picked through the shelves of cars and games and jigsaws and books. 

“It’s all just crap.” She said aloud.

A passing man with an armful of board games and a baby doll hanging from his fist by her hair, laughed. “Yeah,” he said, “but kids love crap.” He moved off to join the line at the registers.

Sharon turned back to the toys. 

Eighteen dollars and five minutes to give her child a Christmas that she wouldn’t feel the need to discuss in therapy as an adult. It was a lot of pressure. Therapy was expensive.

…………………

It was Christmas day.

Aquaria had woken up at five am. 

Sharon hadn’t been to bed.

Jinkx was getting ready for work.

Sharon still hadn’t paid her phone bill.

“Oh my gosh!” Aquaria squealed, bouncing into the living room. “Santa came!” She rushed over to the tiny fake tree they had propped up on the coffee table, and pointed at the small selection of gifts placed there.

Sharon’s stomach was tight.

“Well, you were a good girl.” Jinkx said, smiling, buttoning her uniform shirt. “He’s been watching.”

Aqua nodded, excitedly. She turned to Sharon, climbing up onto her lap where she sat on the couch. “Mommy, it’s Christmas!”

“I know. Merry Christmas, kiddo.” She hugged Aquaria, pulling her onto her chest and kissing her head. “Merry Christmas.”

For a moment, and perhaps due to her late bedtime and early awakening, Aquaria allowed Sharon to cuddle her quietly, wrapping an arm around her neck and putting her thumb in her mouth. Sharon closed her eyes. 

The moment was short-lived. Aquaria squirmed away, pulling her thumb away from her mouth. “Can I open them?”

Sharon glanced at the pathetic collection of presents on the coffee table. They hadn’t had any wrapping paper so she had used some of Jinkx’s miscellaneous fabric from the closet and tied it with odds of ribbon. It looked a mess. The candy she had bought from 7/11 on the way home from Goodwill wasn’t even wrapped, just stuffed into the stocking.

“Please, Mommy. Can I open them?”

Sharon smiled her best smile and nodded at Aqua, who immediately began emptying the stocking.

“Wow!” Aquaria exclaimed over the contents. “Look, Mommy! Chocolate!” She laughed, giddily. “And soda!”

Jinkx snorted a laugh somewhere behind Sharon. “Santa brought you a Fanta?”

“Yeah!” Aquaria said. “I love Fanta!”

“Maybe Santawas looking for things he could use to make the stocking look a little less flat.” Sharon said, glaring at Jinkx.

Jinkx zipped up her jacket. “Good idea of Santa.”

“And Cheetos!”

Jinkx snorted, covering her mouth at the glare Sharon gave to her. “How kind of Santa.”

“Mmm.” Sharon hummed. She couldn’t help the genuine smile that came to her face at the innocent joy Aquaria was getting from the things in her stocking. It was literally seven dollars worth of candy, chips, and soda, and kid was acting like she had been given a golden ticket to Wonka’s chocolate factory.

“This is the best day ever.” Aquaria said, brightly. “I’m so happy.”

Jinkx sat down next to Sharon. “See.” She said quietly, smiling fondly at Aqua. “Santa did good.”

Sharon dropped her voice to almost nothing and leaned into Jinkx. “Santa’s still got three presents for her to open before she realises she’s not getting that damn doll.”

They watched together as Aquaria looked between the three remaining gifts. She looked up at them.

“Which one should I open first?”

Jinkx looked to Sharon. “Which one do you think?”

Sharon shrugged. “Up to you, kiddo.”

Aquaria looked back down at the gifts. “I love how Santa wrapped them.” She said absently. “Beautiful.”

Jinkx elbowed Sharon. “Beautiful wrapping.”

Sharon glared at her.

“This one, first!” Aqua exclaimed, and picked up the puffy package, wrapped in a pink lace, the black of the gift showing through. Aquaria pulled away the fabric wrappings to reveal the tutu, now completed with a hand-stoned pattern throughout the fabric. The held it out in front of her. “Mommy!” She called, gleefully. “It’s my sparkle dress. It’s perfect.”

Sharon blinked hard and sniffed away the burning at the back of her eyes. “You like it?”

Aquaria began pulling on the skirt atop her pyjamas, spinning as she did. “I love it. I love it.” She laughed and jumped on the spot. “It’s perfect, Mama!” She began dancing around the room, twirling and curtsying in her tutu, singing a nonsensical song. 

“Come on, Aqua, open the others!” Jinkx said. 

Aquaria stopped her song, running back over to the coffee table. She looked between the remaining gifts with concentration etched onto her little face. 

“Hurry up.” Jinkx laughed. “I want to see what Santa brought you, but I have to leave in five minutes to sit behind a desk in a hotel lobby and pretend to be happy for rich people.”

Jinkx’s encouragement seemed to resign Aquaria to picking out the smaller of the two gifts, flat and wrapped in a navy blue satin with a white ribbon. She gently lifted the gift from the table and pulled at the bow on the ribbon. The fabric fell away, and Sharon pushed herself further back in her seat.

Aquaria gasped. “I love it.” She said. “It’s a book!” She held it out to Sharon and Jinkx. “Look at my book. Look at my book.”

“I see it.” Jinkx smiled. “Do you know what book it is?”

Sharon watched, chewing on her chipped thumbnail, as Aqua frowned at the front over of the book, attempting to decipher the title. She hoped she didn’t notice the slight discolouration of the pages, or the way the hardcover spine was bunched on the bottom edge.

“It’s too hard.” Aquaria said. “Jinkxy read it, please?”

“It says ‘Guess How Much I Love You’.”

“And it has bunnies on the pictures!” Aquaria began flipping through the book. “It’s my favourite book ever.”

“You haven’t read it, yet.” Sharon said.

“Doesn’t matter. It’s my favourite.”

Sharon had to bite her knuckle and close her eyes for a second. She was not going to fucking cry over this.

Jinkx leaned forward in her seat. “Open the other one, Aquaria.” 

The kid picked up the last gift, and barely had to touch the ribbon before the orange fabric fell away to reveal what was nota Barbie underneath. Aqua held up the present, mouth open slightly, and head tilted.

“Hello.” She said in a small voice. “You are the most beautifulist person I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Jinkx cackled. “It’s a cat not a person!”

“He’s still a person and I love him.” Aquaria hugged the stuffed animal tight to her chest, rocking from side to side. “He’s perfect. He’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten ever!”

Sharon stood up and crossed over to the kitchen, standing by the sink with her back to the living area. She frantically wiped the tears from her cheeks, swallowing hard.

“Mommy, I got a kitty.” Aquaria ran to her, wrapping her arms around Sharon’s legs. “Mama, look at my kitty. Isn’t he perfect?” 

“Yeah.” Sharon, sniffed hard. “He’s pretty perfect.”

She turned and picked up Aquaria, resting her on her hip and hugging her tightly. “I’m glad you liked your gifts.”

“I love them. They’re my favourite things ever.”

Sharon kissed her. “You’re my favourite thing ever.”

Aquaria giggled. She held up the cat. “Meow.”

…………

It was mid March and Sharon was poor.

The phone bill had never been paid and her service had been cut off.

They were two weeks late on rent.

Sharon had worked every day for the past seventeen days.

But life was good.

She rushed home from another night of school to get back before Jinkx could put Aquaria to bed. The little girl was brushing her teeth when Sharon peeked her head around the bathroom door.

“Mommy’s home.” Aquaria smiled, mouth covered in white foam. “Hi, Mommy. I missed you.”

Sharon wiped her mouth with a towel and gave her a kiss. “I told you I’d be here to snuggle you before bed.”

Aquaria reached up her arms and Sharon picked her up, walking her through to the bedroom.

“Night, night, Jinkxy.” Aqua called.

“Sleep tight, Aqua.”

Sharon gave Jinkx a quick wave before going into her and Aquaria’s room and closing the door. “Ready for bedtime?”

Aquaria climbed onto their bed from Sharon’s arms. “Yeah. And we’re gonna read my story?”

“Sure.” Sharon climbed into the bed. “Go get it and we’ll read.” As she settled herself against the pillows at the head of the bed, Sharon watched as Aqua reached to the window sill to grab the small hardback book. Not that she really needed the book, Aquaria could recite it from memory, the two of them read it so often, but the pictures were still nice for her to look at, and the routine of reading in bed was soothing to the both of them.

“And where’s Cerrone?” Sharon asked as Aquaria snuggled next to her.

“He’s just here.” The kid produced the fluffy stuffed cat from underneath the covers. I tucked him in before you got home.”

“Okay,” Sharon said, “so we’re all ready?”

“Yep.”

“Aqua’s here.” Sharon kissed her head. “And Cerrone’s here.” She kissed the fluffy head of the stuffed cat. “And Mommy’s here.” She kissed her own hand and Aquaria giggled.

“No, I gotta kiss you, silly.”

Sharon gasped. “Oh, you’re right. I can’t believe I forgot!” She let herself be pulled down by the collar of her shirt for Aquaria to kiss her.

“There.” Aqua chirped, snuggling back into the blankets. “Now we can read the story.” She prodded the book in Sharon’s hand. “Start the story, Mommy.”

“Okay.” Sharon said, wrapping an arm around Aquaria’s shoulders. She opened the book and let Aqua turn to the first page. “Little Nutbrown Hare, who was going to bed, held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare’s very long ears.”

[homesweetgoodneighbor]

The Stoneshard Saga, postscript

Just to catch new people up: I bought this game and I kind of dug it. So, this is an early access, rogue-like game - which is early access because it's a way to make a little money so fund your development while getting pretty much beta testers for your game - where I said in the discussion "can we please get rid of/move passed the 'women can't be this job because they are women' trope? The woman I play is 'a knight her father only allowed to become a knight because he had no male heir and he's embarrassed by that fact despite that she kicks all the ass.' Everywhere I walk is 'Ew! A woman mercenary?!' from the NPCs. Look, it's done, it's tired. Expand your writing a little. There are way more obstacles to overcome. Women, and especially transwomen and women of color, are really tired of this trope. It stinks of misogyny and the idea you're only adding women because you Have To."

This, of course, was met with much ire from the GamerBros(tm), which I giggled at and ignored because they are what's toxic about the gamer community. ("Take your misandry somewhere else" was my favorite.) A dev appeared from the ether to lock the discussion down and to not say "we'll take it under advisement" or whatever and then ignore me, which I kind of expected. What I got was, "Well, first of all, you called us misogynists, and we're not because women are in the game, and secondly, this is historically..." where I stopped reading after that because, oh hey, FUCK YOU.

I have since sent a response with the subject line "Because You Wanted To Throw History At Me" where I explained that I studied this shit in college (Hello English and History degree.) There are a lot of things that are "historically accurate" because the only things we can study is what survived of the aristocracy because poor people either couldn't write or their things just didn't survive. The aristocracy were dicks. Still are. And, a lot of shit they did were Not Approved Of by the poor folks. Like, you know, marrying your underage cousin/sibling. I mean, Shakespeare even had shit to say about that. And, either way, regardless, it's not something that is necessary in this game, unless you want to push away a section of your player base. I said that is stinks of misogyny because it feels like you NEEDED to add it. It's an old trope. It's tired. I said, because this is an early access game which means you want criticism, I said on this thing Do Better, and the response proved you didn't really want that kind of criticism. I also told them that I've been gaming longer than most of them have been alive, and even my husband was like "CAN WE GET RID OF THAT SHIT IN OUR FANTASY NOW?!"

So, anyway, I informed them that I would not be commenting on their game again, because it's obvious the kind of community they are fostering since I never responded to the first post because I refuse to argue with stupid, and a dev showed up to "shut it down" which I don't think they were aiming at the people who were insulting me. Obviously, since they wanted to shout "historical" they had no interest in expanding or changing their writing because they would rather try to use history to prove they are allowed to be that way.

...

So, anyway, there's been 19 responses, all of which I have ignored without reading, because, again, I refuse to argue with stupid. Besides, I said I would not be commenting again.

I have since deleted the game and hidden it from my library list.

This is a risk with buying early access games. This is honestly the first one I ever where I hit a toxic community, but considering the type of game, I'm not surprised.

But, please note, my loves, if you ever do hit a gaming community like that who backlashes at you, just leave. Just mark everything as read without reading it, block it if you have the option, and leave. Those are not people who will be anything less than vicious and are not worth your time.

And, if they try to follow you to give you shit, you call your old Auntie Kami. I'll rip them a new asshole.