#I really thought I'd just. go to uni. get my degree in 3 years like expected. get a job. move out. have a normal life FINALLY for the first

[running-in-the-dark]

well I can already tell this is gonna be a bad night

today has just been fucking weird and hard. I'm in a bad mood. everything feels bad. (probably not helped by me not taking the new antidepressant last night so I wouldn't sleep all day)

the plan was for my friend to come over this weekend to help me pack. she did that last time and it helped a lot. (my husband could help, obviously, but he's in charge of other things that also need to get done. plus he's very bad at putting things into boxes.)

but the rail strike is still going on so it's likely that she won't be able to get here (or get back in time). so now that's suddenly a lot more stressful and the one thing that I thought would make it go okay is gone.

and I also have to like. at least reread my thesis a few times or whatever to study for the oral exam on Friday. which will make me want to die. because it is bad. so. that will be bad. and the thought of being asked questions about that piece of garbage for 30 fucking minutes is so horrifying that I genuinely do not know if I will be able to get through it without taking my Lorazepam beforehand (which I know is a horrible idea, and my psychiatrist told me twice that it's a bad idea, and I know it would just make me unbelievably stupid. but holy shit that is the scariest thing I can imagine.)

and of course instead of doing anything useful I'm now just sitting here feeling like shit (like last night, only worse)

[artsyebonyrose]

"it is so worth it, sticking out" are words i personally really needed to hear as of recently.

(mini personal chat under the readmore, vaguely going into depression/sui thoughts so pls don't read if you're not able to <3)

i felt that stream so deep in my bones. to keep it brief, the last three years i've been having Bad Thoughts pop up at various points to varying degrees, and this year i got it the worse it's ever been. i've finally come to the end of my three year uni course, and it's left me feeling this sick and awful dread that once it ends, so does my life. from january to march i was unable to work, just played nitw and felt like a husk, or crying. then i tried to pull myself out of it, and by early april i'd already fallen back in. its such an all consuming thing, and the Bad Thoughts have been daily. i've only just started poking my head back up mid may because i became obsessed with resident evil (lol) which has aided in distracting my mind.

what i'm trying to say is, what was discussed and said in today's stream resonated with me very deeply. and it's awful to see another person in a similar harrowing position. i don't know how to get better yet, but i'm going to try. and i hope you all are able to get better too. you deserve to!

and aimsey if you happen to read this, thank you for being here. thank you for staying. the world needs you in it.

nothing can take you down 💜

[athemarina]

writeblr comeback!! (for real this time!!)

hello (again), marina here! i am back from another long break, and this time i am determined to rejoin the writeblr community properly, because i really truly missed it here!

it's been a couple months since i've been here, and there have been a couple of changes in my life and to the way i want to run this blog, so i thought i'd give an update to anyone who might still remember me and maybe get to know some new writers! <3

who am i?

i am marina/mina, 27, from austria. i've been on writeblr for quite some time now, but had to take a break due to work and uni being really demanding, and also my personal life kinda falling apart lol. but i've realised once more that writing is one of the things that give my life meaning and stability, and i want and need to reconnect with it.

i work full-time and am still finishing up my degree, so i'm quite a busy bee. nevertheless, with uni summer break just around the corner, i want to spend more time writing and finding inspiration here!

some random interests of mine: philosophy, linguistics, the beauty of greece, musicals, folk songs and folklore, horses, and formula 1. what a list.

what do i write?

i have put all of my previous wip on hold because i had no time to work on them at all the last few months. right now i am in the worldbuilding phase of a new fantasy story (it takes some elements from children of the king but will go in quite a different direction! there's robots in it now!!) i want to take working on this new wip really really slow though. i've spent the last couple months feeling horribly burnt out and don't want to push myself around so much anymore. so while a proper intro post will have to wait for a bit, i'll still share some of the stuff that's floating around in my head and can't wait to get to know other people's wips again!!

i want to try my hand at writing poetry and flash fiction! it's not something i've dabbled with a lot in the past, but i really want to expand my horizons!

i have read quite a lot this year and would like to share some reviews / media analysis as well!

things i love to write and read....

all kinds of fantasy, anything that includes vampires, grief and healing and not-healing from it, characters who make all the wrong choices, questions of identity, queerness, and love.

if any of that vibes with you, let's be friends pls!!

i'd love to be part of the community again, and i love talking about reading / writing / just about anything so pls never hesitate to send me a message if you wanna chat <3 i also love to do tag and ask games, but it might take me a while to get to it!

thank you for reading, and thank you all for being such a lovely community here! i'm back babyyyy

[mrsdeliberatecreater]

hi, im sorry for bothering u right now. ive been asking around for advice everywhere because i really need all the help i could use right now. my anxiety is flaring up like crazy because my results come out tomorrow and im so scared because if i mess this up then my future is ruined. my mental health has been horrible and that has severely affected my grades but in most asian countries they dgaf about that and basically think it's nonexistant for minors so ofc i'm still undiagnosed, and if i were to apply to a uni i wouldnt get any good chances anywhere. if i could just get 3 Bs in my AS levels it would be okay or else i'd have to retake it and it's super costly here.. i don't wanna put my family through that because they'll talk me down, degrade me, destroy my self esteem which i've managed to build back a little. they were like this since when i was the topper and thats what made me burnout. undiagnosed adhd, trauma, depression also contributed to it

im applying the law, but instead of the feeling of success that everyone else gets i feel panicked. the 'feeling' people usually get when they're in the wish fulfilled state, the feeling of accepting it and it being real—im not getting that. i dont see a clear picture when i visualize. every time i try to, i end up breaking down and feeling like a failure... but I'm still trying to go on because why is it that the people who hurt me and practically ruined my life get to live successfully, while i suffer? thats not fair... i promised myself that if i could just get 3 Bs, ill turn my life around and work really hard... but is it over for me? i want to win, im trying to, but im scared

im trying my best to visualize myself getting 3 Bs, reenacting my friends faces when i get the results, praying to God and thanking Him for blessing me and continuing to bless me, but there is this fear still lingering at the back of my mind... i feel like I'm not doing it right. i have like one day left and I'm so nervous. im going over posts, tweets, and every time I feel a little better, it all comes crashing down because of doubts. theres only one thing one my mind right now: 'how am I gonna turn it around in one day?' i know that the 3D does not matter and that everything is done in imagination, but here i feel like its not done in imagination either

right now nothings clicking in my head, whatever i read is getting scrambled in my mind, i feel so lost and empty. could u please tell me what to do in this specific situation? u can be as harsh as you want if that's what's needed to get the point across. im really sorry for the bother and id be really grateful if u could please help out, ive never been this desperate before... my life cant be over before it even started

Okay love. I need you to do something for me. Take 3 deeeeep breaths.

Okay?

I understand you completely. I understand what are going through completely. I'm Indian, so I know how it can be. I got yelled at by my sister for thinking that I might have ADHD. 👀 Its all good now though. I also used to deal with debilitating anxiety two years ago.. I barely left my room, let alone go to school for a master's degree that I chose and got into serious debt for.. I'm not making this about me, but I just want you know that change is possible.

Anytime you start to feel bad, a anxiety attack coming on, I want you to just keep taking calming deep breaths and focus on the now. Focus on the things you see, things you can hear, smell, etc. Its the feeling of "now". Come back to the "now" as many times as needed if you feel negative thoughts. I would affirm, "Everything is okay, everything will be okay", pick an affirmation that feels natural to you, and affirm.

If you like subliminals, I would recommend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zX6BKBzVgfk&t=4s This has stopped so many of my anxiety attacks before I learned to let them go..

If not keep doing the breathing exercises. You will find that by repetition this will eventually release the reasons for feeling anxiety in the first place. Take things one day at a time. If it gets bad, ask someone you trust for help.

We alll have doubts. Doubts are fine. As long as you are just focused on the end/wish fulfilled/affirming, you are fine, even with doubts. You don't need to believe with 100% everything till you burst a blood vessel. If you feel like your doubts are overwhelming you, decide that nothing, not even you can stop your desires from manifesting. <3

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you". - Matthew 17:20

If you have the time, I would highly recommend IlluminatingJoy on youtube, especially her https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CT2xyCcoues&t=1727s

She has a really good grasp on manifestation and explains everything so well and accommodates it to fit our "logic", while completely validating human emotions. The exercise she does in this video is so so simple but seriously effective. I catch myself slipping at least once a day that would have spiraled if I hadn't done the exercise.

Also if you want to do this in a day, I want you to focus on your mental diet. Affirm affirm affirm.

If negative thoughts come up, you breathe and think "I can relax, I got all A's". Anything in the 3D reminds you think, "I can relax, I got what I wanted. Your family being mean to you? remember how in class after lunch, your teacher is talking but you're thinking about something else.

Also speaking of that, I know you said you can't your images clearly. That's fine. Visualizing is NOT imagination.

Visualizing is NOT imagination.

Visualizing is NOT imagination.

Visualizing is NOT imagination.

My visualizations are never clear and I manifest everything I imagine all the time. They all have that "vignette" effect lol..

Imagination can be a picture, it can be a smell, a touch, a voice, just how someone's clothes smell when they are standing really close to you like in an elevator. Like you can specifically smell it but you KNOW what I'm talking about right?

Your loved ones in your face? Use it YOUR ADVANTAGE. I used to hear my sister compliment me, it was easy to hear her voice. I primarily used her voice to fix our relationship. Cannot for the life of me picture her face properly but thats FINE.

You can use ANY of the senses, just one or two or all. Hear your family saying things you want in your mind. Hear them congratulating you, compliment you.

You can slowly work this into all the other aspects of your life...

By the way, you aren't lost and empty. You are a very caring person, you want to do things so that you don't let your family down, in spite of how they treat you. That to me is a genuinely caring person.

But you need to apply that same care to yourself. You don't need me to be harsh to you, YOU don't need to be harsh to you. You are working so hard to find answers but you ARE the answer. Its okay. Please just rest. Its all yours. Be more soft to yourself, be more kind to yourself, compliment yourself, you will start to see that kindness reflected in the 3D as well.

I have given you a lot of options here so you can pick and choose what makes YOU feel better so that YOU can focus on SELF because

Nothing to change but self

Reach out to me as many times as you would like, you could never bother me.

Nya 🌺

[faithfromanewperspective]

remember being in a horrid shitty mood catching the bus back to my parents, thinking, if they just painted a bus lane on the fucking road my journey could take less than 45 minutes and be way more reliable. wondering why it isn't there, the infrastructure, surely i could afford the jail time if i just went out there and built it, they wouldn't tear it down right? footpaths and shit. cause it's still a pretty rural area. instead i'm sitting on the bus destroying my mental health, no wonder i feel better having moved out of the area, when every car that cuts in front of us and all the traffic we can't just zoom past feels like a personal put-down, an insult to my way of life that i've chosen because it's better for all of us, not just me.

and realising, when my head's out of the constant frustration of it having moved out to somewhere walkable, i can see it 'above the trees' if you will that i can whine and bitch about it all i can (and believe me i have) but any change like the one i want, is political. we do this for the city, we as the whole city do it together. of course it would be good, say the 3+ million of us living in greater brisbane, soon to be 4, 5, 6, 7 million in the leadup to 2032 and after, but it's the tragedy of the commons isn't it? my priority, say 3+ million minus one self-supporting adult in this soon-to-be megacity, is getting to work every day and putting food on the table. i've never had that strong of a survival drive, I'd rather do the right thing and invest my choices into something that makes for a better city than be able to work or eat but when it comes to my mental health? sometimes you've gotta learn the hard way, some things you can't change, and it's not worth losing everything over. you can't think if you're exposing yourself constantly to what's fucking up your brain like if i punished myself for the inaction of the city it might make it better.

i'm starting to learn it doesn't. change is political, it's about power, and people are like water (bear with me, i'm a hydrologist) because it takes volume, all going a certain way, to make the biggest impact. have the strongest force. erode grooves in rocks and wash away entire buildings (this is brisbane, we've seen it happen). what we need, is all these people, 3+ million of us and more, coming together around an idea. getting together, council can't do anything to stop a majority, not in australia at least, and the functionality of a city is something we all need. heck, traffic is bad for all of our mental health and i would bet both my kidneys that the impact of it on our lives and relationships is understudied and underreported exponentially. we can solve this, but individual choices alone don't do shit.

so i'll stop beating myself up for not being able to simply will all the traffic lights along my commute to be green, and turn the energy i put into being mad at all of those stupid annoying cars into the things i do best. it turns out i'm really fucking good at drawing up ideas and connecting with people. so i'll stop beating myself up about the fact that the uni degree i did so i'd know about these things and the job i do for Experience and Sustenance meant i haven't had time to do all of these things As Soon As I Thought Of Them (like you always got told to do for your homework assignments). instead i'll think in larger timeframes. 9 years til the olympics. 2 to finish my masters degree. 27 til the rest of the world is carbon negative like tasmania and bhutan. what can i do in each of these timeframes? and how can i prioritise it?

as i coax my brain slowly out of fight or flight, as i put my pencils and watercolours and maps to annotate out on the table in front of me and say 'take your time, but you're allowed to do what you love' i know the places that have marked on my soul stand out to me. south east queensland right out to the bay. western sydney and bringing dignity to our second cbd, parramatta. queenstown tasmania, for some reason. the murray-darling basin as a whole, gundagai and the murrumbidgee at its heart. the red dirt centre of this great land and all the peoples and cultures it holds. i can hold all of their perspectives. i can train my intuition to find out all of their needs. i can put myself into 26 million pairs of shoes and decorate the lands and i can do it respectfully and lovingly like i'm tattooing my own skin because it might as well be. tattoo it with the needs of all of us and all who have gone before. blueprints of functionality, functionality we don't have, and then meet all 26 million souls (okay, i probably only need 2 million if we're starting from brisbane) and say to them, would you dream this dream with me? will you imagine this lifestyle where you're less burdened? can you be a part of simply talking about it, because that's how we're going to make it happen? can you improve it, make it better, make it yours, knowing that when you do it imprints itself on your heart a little more, you feel a part of it? and then we're all part of it. it takes years, but it can happen.

so i guess i've got my life's work cut out for me, and i'm so fucking glad i could figure this out from something that has been frustrating me to no end, because 'you can't change it' doesn't work for me unless you switch it out like a child's toy for something more big and exciting that i can change instead. fuck you, conformity. i found what it can be for me. a dream so big it doesn't matter if i can only do some of it--and who says i have to limit myself to australia?

[oldpotatoe]

hiii this is. slightly odd i think?? but i just wanted to say thank you for something, because it's really changed my life. when i first started reading flwogb i had just finished my gcses and was picking my A levels, and i saw here on tumblr smth u posted about how you'd done a degree in a bioscience subject and that you were going into intellectual property. i'd never heard of that kind of career path before, but it sounded so interesting so i looked into it and thought i'd probably like to do something like that in the future. which is why i ended up doing 3 sciences and law at A level (MIGHTT have been a mistake doing all 4 bc it nearly killed me but hey)

fast forward to now, i'm doing a biochemistry degree and hoping to get a placement at a law firm dealing with life science intellectual property, all because i stumbled across your fic way back in 2020 by complete accident!! it's genuinely changed my life bc i would literally never have known about a career that feels so tailor made to my specific interests in science AND law together 💞 soooooo thank you haha, i really wouldn't be as happy now if it hadn't been for a random post u made like 3 years ago lol xx

(i do kind of want to kill myself when it comes to january exams on organic chem, genetics, thermodynamics, and biochem tho 😭😭 i love science but at what COST 😭)

hello! first of all:

not odd at all! this is one of the sweetest asks i've ever received i think??

also 3 SCIENCES AND LAW AT ALEVEL??? just thinking about that made me want to lie down. i admire your very undoubtedly wrinkly brain

i'm so very glad i was able to help you on your career journey like this! even i didn't know being a solicitor (specialising in life sciences intellectual property) or a patent attorney was a thing until i was in my final year of my biomed degree, so it makes me very happy that i was able to spread the knowledge about it this way!

best of luck in your jan exams (thinking about my biochem modules from uni still makes me queasy) i'm sure you'll do very well! and i hope you get that placement-- definitely look out for resources such as Aspiring Solicitors, Rare Recruitment or STRIVE that help students get access to the legal field and can help out with applications/interviews! Aspiring Solicitors in particular do a very helpful STEM mentoring scheme with a few IP law firms, so definitely one to check out

you got this <3

[simplydnp]

I actually started crying when I read your recent post about unlearning shame. I'm so proud of you and happy that you're doing this 💗 I on the other hand am not as brave and unfortunately still present as a caricature of myself, or just another "cooler"person entirely. I'm in law school and I did fuckin modeling for like 3 years, I did fencing I'm so cool!! Except all those things I'm doing trying to be. Except the sport I actually love fencing. But still these are things that don't always feel authentic to me, sometimes they do - for example I am vain at times so whatever, I like academics and uni in general but don't know if I wanna do anything with law really. We'll see. None of my friends know about some of my real interests or thoughts (I don't think they would judge me I genuinely don't want to ruin my "image" or whatever I've created). Now that I'm typing it, I realize how sad that sounds. Anyway I'm not going to the dnp show, because none of my friends know I like them or would want to go. I don't,have online friends because I'm just a lurker from my carefully curated artsy blog where i dont post dnp lmao. Still, I wish you a great time and thank you for posting that! If I'm more brave in the future, I might go to another tour they might do in a few years

oh anon 🫂 god its brutal out here isn't it

the unfortunate part about all of this is that i Really care how i'm perceived. i'm very careful about how i present myself because i have this fear of being too much. that once people see enough of me, they'll leave. and it'll be my fault. so i simply have to walk that line. the loneliness of no one ever truly knowing. or them finding out too much and being left. because, historically, that's always what's happened.

it's especially hard when you have qualities that you think are neat and fun and special. and yet. you don't get to share them. you don't get to exist as if you are neat and fun and special. instead, you have to live up to this image of yourself that you've created. i've found in a lot of ways it's easier to slide into the mask of only being surface level deep. of molding myself into the 'expectation' laid upon me. goody two shoes. overachiever. loud. but it's just that, a mask. it's not real. but the part that hurts the most is that you keep waiting for someone to notice. and then they don't. and you convince yourself that you're just so good at it. but you can't make yourself the mask. even though i've tried.

you don't have to do law if you don't want to. i know it's easy for me to say, not having put money into a law degree. but i know what it's like to feel like your degree isn't really yours. you've got time. it's okay.

you're not alone in your struggle anon. i think fencing is hella cool and i hope you can find someone who you can chat with about it.

in terms of the shows, i told myself i was going. no matter what. and i knew i'd likely be going on my own. and then some of my lovely mutuals & friends here were like 👀. and i said ykw. fuck it. i have to travel anyway, why not do it across the ocean. and on top of that, some jokes turned real and now i'm going to iceland too. i understand waiting. but i know there's lots of people like you who are going to go to these shows and probably not know anyone. so if it's something you think you can handle, and it's financially possible, maybe think a little about going. i'm not sure when dnp are touring close to you, but you still have time. doing things for yourself is important. i think you'd have a lovely time. (and if you're stressed about the internal perception, no one needs to know you went, and no one there will know you. so it doesn't matter--at least, that's what i usually tell myself. they'll never see you again. so fuck it!)

best of luck, i hope we both can grow and thrive

[cinematicnomad]

hi! i hope this is okay to ask, but i was just wondering if you could tell me/us a bit more about how you landed your job (which seems SO cool)? like, is this something you were always interested in? did you have to go to school for it? i'd love to work on the comm/marketing team for a university in my country--because i really miss the feeling of being on a busy, bustling campus--but idk if there's a better way of going about it than just cold-calling or emailing the hr dept about vacancies...

(2/2 uni job anon) comm/marketing and recruitment (which is what you do, i think?) are quite different ofc--i just think that these particular universities could really use a hand with their various english-language dispatches and know i could really help them out if i found a way onto their staff roster...

hey anon! i'm definitely happy to answer any questions. i can't comment on how your countries university's handle hiring. in the states, universities tend to list all of their open administrator/staff positions online. you can literally google a university name + jobs and you'll find a link. once on it, you can usually narrow you're search—so in your case, you could potentially narrow it down to positions with the words 'marketing' 'communications' 'social media' etc etc. then find the position that fits your interest and fill out the application and submit it. then you just have to...wait. which for universities (at least in the states) can take some time.

i put my personal journey in my work below the cut if anyone's interested:

i didn't originally go to school with the intention of working in higher ed. i got my bachelors in english lit with a minor in history. i thought i might become a writer or go into publishing or something. i v much did not know what i wanted to do by the time i finished undergrad. i traveled some the summer after college and didn't really seriously thinking about my post-school plans until late july. i didn't have a drivers license (let alone a car or easy access to public transportation) and i was living in suburbia with my parents so my options were really limited—but i lucked out in that we lived about a 15 minute walk from a large public university so i just kind of...applied to everything? i didn't have much by the way of experience—at this point my resume amounted to 3 summers working as a clerk in a doctor's office, a summer as a day camp counselor, a summer working as a sales associate at homegoods, and an internship at a british private publishing company. basically i had customer service skills and i knew how to function in an office and i could string coherent sentences together. the one guiding point i had when applying to jobs was that...i'd grown up traveling around the world and so i was intrigued by the jobs i saw that had to do with international admissions/students/etc. i prioritized those applications, but honestly i would have taken anything.

i luckily got an interview and an eventual offer for a part-time assistant job in the office of international admissions. and my career kind of just...evolved from there? about 6 months later my supervisor moved into a new position and i was asked to apply for his job so i did. it wasn't exactly what i wanted to be doing—i spent my days sitting in an office reviewing international transcripts to determine a) if the school was recognized/accredited; b) the US degree equivalency; and c) the student's equivalent US gpa AND i was given the task of processing and issuing immigration documents for incoming int'l students. these are two incredibly niche, vital processes for international admissions and having that baseline expertise was good for me. i stayed at that university for a total of 4 years before accepting a position at a smaller private university in DC—by this point i had a license and a car and could afford to move closer to public transportation. career-wise it was lateral move—i didn't get a title bump, but i did get a decent salary increase AND the job was more generalized. which was good for me! all of my work up until that point had been SO specialized and isolated that i spent a lot of time on my own cooped up in an office doing work alone—and bc my job was so isolated and no one could cover for me, and it was so reliant on being in the office, i was never given the opportunity to travel. which sucked. my new job let me experience different facets of admissions with a team of people and also allowed me the chance to get some experience recruiting domestically.

after i'd been there for a while i took advantage of one of the common benefits of working in higher ed in the US—tuition benefits. i applied for and was admitted into a master's program int'l education and my job covered 90% of the tuition. whenever i had a performance review or check in with my supervisor i let her know i was interested in recruiting internationally for the office. halfway through the program my boss offered me the chance to apply for a new position in my office with the understanding that it would come with a pay increase, a title bump, and FINALLY: int'l recruiting. i applied, got the job, renewed my passport so i could be ready to travel...and then COVID hit.

that derailed plans a little but i stayed in my job and kept working. i finally got to start recruiting internationally for my job last fall and around november i had another conversation with my boss about a new position—this one would be focused on recruiting internationally and on developing partnerships with other universities and designing joint programs. so that's what i'm doing now! and that's how i got here.

not sure if anyone is actually here still reading this! but if you are, i am happy to answer any questions you might have about preparing for interviews, what to expect, other nitty-gritty details, etc.

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

057 of 2024

by joybucket

1. What is one thing you wish everyone knew? That not all disabilities are visible, i. e. you don't have to be a wheelchair user to be considered disabled.

2. What is the most frustrating thing about your life right now? Having little energy, or even when I have outbursts of energy like before, they burn out way quicker.

3. What is one thing that you used to be able to do that you can't do anymore? Handstand/cartwheel. I wouldn't dare with my hand now.

6. Besides Bzoink, what's a website that shut down that you wish still existed? Vampire Freaks when they still had forums.

7. Did you chat with your friends on AIM as a teenager? Never used AIM.

9. What is one thing you would tell your younger self if you could? Be yourself, haters gonna hate anyway. You can't make everyone love you.

10. Can you type fast? I used to, but not anymore, with my disabled hand.

11. What are a few of your favorite names that your friends have used for their babies? One of my youngest friends gave birth to her daughter and she and her husband decided to name her Aurora, which I think is a pretty name. One of my friends has two daughters, he named them Lara and Lily.

12. What would you name your kids if you had them? Laura for a daughter (I've been in love with this name since forever), or Monique or Sylvie; Joris/Adriaan/Damiaan for a son.

13. Did you ever attend a university? Yes, I have a degree - Bachelor of Applied Sciences, electrical engineering. Then I was attending uni for standard Dutch language, but dropped off.

14. If you've ever been a college student, what was your favorite thing about it? Classes that aligned my interests.

15. What is one thing you are behind on? All the updates from our engineers at work lol. I've been two years at home after I had a stroke, just came back to my work this year. 

16. What color shirt are you wearing? Black with gold print.

17. What is one thing you always wanted as a kid but never got? Motherly love, for real. My mum was more loving to my sister than to me.

18. What is one thing you like now as an adult that you didn't like when you were a kid? That we weren't treated equally by our parents. I was the dad's favourite, my sister was mum's favourite. But at least we have a strong bond as siblings, we love each other very much.

20. Do you ever eat ice cream for breakfast? 🍨 Yeah, when it used to be hot in summer here.

21. What is one thing most people don't know about you? That I have a genetic disorder.

22. Which cartoon character do you think looks the most like you? Can't think of any, seriously.

23. Do you consider yourself spiritual? Not really.

24. Do you consider yourself religious? Not really either.

26. When was the last time you stepped outside of your comfort zone? Oh my, I don't remember.

27....and afterward, were you glad you did? What happened? Even though I don't remember the last time, I'm pretty sure I was glad I did it.

30. Would you rather eat Mexican food or Asian food? I'm not familiar with Mexican food at all. But I'm pretty familiar with Asian food, so I'd pick Asian. Just not Thai please.

32. What is the best book series you have ever read? The Legend of Ice People, by Norwegian writer Margit Sandemo. It's a fantasy series about a family that has supernatural powers, starts in 15th century, I think, and it consists of 47 books (!).

34. Have you ever been on a missions trip, and if so, where did you go? No, I haven't.

35. What is your favorite thing about your town? Where I live? Medieval architecture and bridges. But it's a tourist spot, so it's always full of people. In my hometown? The beach.

36. Have you ever met anyone named Skye? Yes, but not in person.

37. Do you wonder if unicorns have ever existed? I haven't thought of it, but it would be cool if they did.

28. If you're chronically ill, what is one thing you've tried to cure your chronic illness that didn't work? I don't know. I cut off caffeine, I try to get enough sleep, and I have my medication well adjusted. So far it works very well, but my neurologist said there's no treatment that will guarantee I'll ever be 100% seizure free.

29. Are you lonely? In terms of my health, yes. Other people can't really imagine how it feels to be physically disabled, until they experience it themselves.

31. What is your favorite board game? Can't think of any. Maybe Monopoly.

32. Are you happy? In general, yes.

33. How many of your grandparents are still alive? None.

35. Do you have any regrets? Not anymore. Life is too short for that.

36. Which holiday is your birthday closest to? Easter.

37. Do you believe in heaven and hell? I'm not sure. It makes some sense, though.

38. Have you ever seen a ghost or spirit? 👻 I don't think so, but I felt the presence of my late cat.

39. List three of the most colorful things you can see from where you're sitting right now. Box of raspberry cookies, all my coloured pens, stickers on my laptop.

[coffee---bean]

jesus pt. 2

i saw the christian youth group people at o-week at uni. they all have green shirts. i see them every year. this year i wanted to try find them and convince them i'm christian so they'd give me a shirt, but i thought of the idea after o-week ended. i would've loved to go up to people and be like "hey have u heard of the bible its fucking sick"

and there was this guy handing out little bibles outside the uni gate in week 1. it had all of jesus's quotes written in red font, which i thought was sick. i've always felt like the bible is a bit silly, cos surely it's just people writing about what they think god might be, and who knows if they were right or not! but for some reason, reading what are purportedly actual jesus quotes was exciting. like, finally the real deal.

here's some quotes i found:

LUKE 5 10 - do not be afraid; from now on, you will be catching men!

MATTHEW 6 28 - why are you anxious about clothing?

MARK 11 14 - may no one ever eat fruit from you again!

LUKE 2 49 - why were u looking for me?

MARK 13 2 - do u see these great buildings??

MARK 4 3 - behold, a sower went out to sow

MARK 5 30 - who touched my garments?

LUKE 7 23 - blessed is the one who is not offended by me

LUKE 10 19 - behold, i have given u authority to tread on scorpions

MATTHEW 15 34 - how many loaves do u have?

i told my friend amelia about this. turns out she's an amateur bible scholar and she really liked these quotes. she told me about how god would give really specific instructions about how he wanted his temple built, and would be really bad at communicating directly, and would only ever appear at inconvenient times or in unusual forms, and we realized god is probably really neurodivergent. he even had specific requests about the kinds of smells that would be in his temple, which is like so sensory.

and the jesus quotes i found sound so silly. like he's just this kind of bratty weirdo who's got these really touchy soft-spots and asks weird questions. which i really relate to!! reading these quotes was like so far the only time that i've actually felt jesus' presence in my life, like - oh yeah i see what u mean dawg, i'd be kind of annoyed if someone touched my garments too yknow. i'd probably start a story in a kind of silly way just like u with the sower going out to sow thing. and his whole "blessed are the ones who aren't offended by me" thing reminds me so much of shitty comedians who make jokes about trans people. i find it kind of endearing cos i love the idea that jesus would be so sensitive. both cos its funny (ur literally god its gonna be fine) and also cos low-key i'm a really sensitive person too.

so!

i don't really connected with religion in a religious way or an athiestic way. i did have the phase of being like "religion sux!!!!!" but after i wasn't forced to deal with it, i sort of just stopped caring. my dad is pretty buddhist, and he described going on retreats to me, and trying to get enlightened yknow.

and his description of enlightenment sounded just like how i feel when im kind of zoned out, so i told him that i'm enlightened all the time! and he got upset with me. or at least was just like, no, u don't get it. i feel kind of safer not understanding it. i feel like knowing i'm not enlightened is just gonna freak me out.

so anyway,

i was basically thinking about the idea that i had created a version of jesus for myself who felt real enough, from little fragments of text. and i was thinking about how religious people like the woman who spoke with me also have these versions of jesus in their minds, that speak to them. i remember the woman specifically said she didn't read books because god speaks to her and provides her all the info she needs. and as a non-religious person, i interpret that as her sort of working off instinct and rejecting stuff she doesn't like. which we all do to some degree!

i find it interesting that a preacher is kind of trying to give you their version of jesus, to colonise ur brain with their version. like how colonial empires rebuild their architectural styles in countries that don't suit the environment - like the hanoi opera house in vietnam.

or how trans people (heehee) resist gender colonisation inside their own minds and basically dress however they wanna. i guess some people are so good at this colonisation that they become empires, like megachurches or actual empires or whatever. and i feel like their colonisations are always violent and suppressive and unfair somehow. usually in obvious ways.

the currently ongoing genocide of palestinians under israeli occupation is another example. there's been a lot of propaganda to try to demonize the palestinians being spread by various sources, especially the israeli government and military. israeli political leaders have characterised palestinians as less-than-human, as creatures of darkness, as whatever. that's kind of a colonisation of the mind, and also a justification for a real-life actual colonisation, one that's killing thousands of people for LIKE NO FUCKING REASON.

anyway,

human relationships can be like that too. we can kind of passively mingle our minds together and change a bit. we can show eachother our favourite movies or music, we can share ideas or stories. we can teach a friend a coping mechanism we use which could change their life maybe. we can just spend time and let eachother know that our delusions are both unique to ourselves and also valid.

the chorus of "teletype" by everything everything

DONT TALK A LOT, BUT I LIKE IT, COS I CAN'T TELL YOU EVERYTHING THAT WENT ON.

it's a description of a relationship where the narrator is acknowledging that we can't FULLY know eachother. just like how colonisation can't occur without violence. you need to just kind of accept that we can't be perfect for eachother, we can't be copies of one another, because we are seperate. we all experience different stuff. and that's not actually a bad thing - it's whatever it is. it can be fun, actually. talking to someone can be like playing. learning isn't really copying, it's more like sharing and iterating.

i guess that's kind of the idea behind my project. i'll explain more in another post !!!!

[1000-directions]

hi, can I ask what you studied at uni/college? <3

cw: suicidal thoughts

hi friend! so when i originally went to college at age 18, i was accepted as a classical languages major (latin and ancient greek), but my plan was to switch to creative writing as soon as i could. instead, i had a psychotic breakdown within days of arriving in campus, barely left my room for four months, and got kicked out at the end of the semester for not going to any classes.

after a lot of therapy, i started taking night classes locally while working, planning to be an english major. when i actually applied for full time status, i was accepted as a psychology major. and then as soon as i started taking classes, i changed my major one last time to biology, and i graduated with a biology degree at age 26.

i worked a few different jobs that i didn't really enjoy, none of which required the use of my degree, and then i went to grad school for something i don't discuss publicly because i think it can be too identifying, but anyway i realized it was a mistake almost as soon as i got there, but i'd already committed to this being my new path in life and i was too scared to back out. so i stayed for a year, hated every moment of it, cried all the time, completely dissociated a year of my life, decided that suicide was probably the only way out of the financial hole i had created for myself in pursuit of studying something i absolutely hated, and had a panic attack so bad i almost went to the hospital for it. luckily, i had enough clarity that weekend to realize that i had to leave, so i did. i'd completed enough coursework that i was given a masters degree in anatomy, which is probably my least favorite of all sciences, at age 33.

i realize this is a lot more detail than you asked for, but it's hard for me to talk about my pursuit of higher education without talking about mental illness. i was extremely ashamed by a lot of this for most of my life, which was very isolating and humiliating for me, but now i'm at a point where i'm proud of what i've overcome and where i've ended up, and i think it's important to share my experience and show other people that there isn't just one path.

i'm also going to say that i think it's absolutely bonkers that you are expected to know what you want to do for the rest of your life at 18. like i am just now, at 38, thinking that i probably know what i want to do for the rest of my life, 20 years after i first went to college. and that's okay, except that going to school is very expensive! for some career paths, you need very specific training from school, but for others, they just require a college degree because everyone requires a college degree and you are proving to your employer that you are smart and can work hard, and it doesn't matter what you studied, just that you did it at all. if i could do it all again, i think maybe i would have gone to trade school and learned something practical.

but anyway, i think there is such pressure on young people, in this country at least, to go to college because you're supposed to go to college, and it's such an expensive commitment that not everyone necessarily needs to do in order to achieve what they want to achieve! i am really glad that i got my biology degree, even though i've never used it, but my anatomy degree is useless. it was actually harmful to my job search, because it made me look too overqualified for the types of jobs i was trying to apply for. i was unemployed for six months before my current job offered me an interview.

anyway! i studied biology and anatomy. the only thing i've ever used my biology degree for is getting into grad school, and the only thing i've ever used my anatomy degree for is writing fanfic ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[butchfaith]

seeing all ur friends going out living their best lives and having fun while ur stuck inside literally all the time doing work :))

[sailorhyunjinz]

I don't want to move back home because the WiFi sucks and I just know I'll have to do so much more household chores than I had to do living alone. Also my siblings are picky eaters and I'll have to go back to getting to choose between no more than 3 meals 😔

On top of that uni is now a 1 ½ hour drive away instead of me living on campus so that's gonna be hell.

But i literally can't afford living closer unless I found strangers to move in with as flatmates. I used to live with strangers in my first year of uni and it's somehow even more household chores than at home 😬 as a very extreme introvert I also absolutely couldn't relax. At all. Ever. So not doing that again lol

My parents aren't charging me rent and I was there every weekend already anyway, so it's the best option. It just kinda sucks that the dorm time is limited to 4 years in my uni instead of being given time by degree? Like bachelor's + mater's are supposed to take 5 years together so like ??????

(even though Im gonna need 4 ½ for the bachelor's alone but let's not talk about that, it's mathematics and on top of that I also started working)

But yeah, I'll see how it goes, living closer to uni is just simply not affordable. My friends from uni, who have flats of their own instead of living in the dorm, also live between 1 ½ and 2 hrs away :c it just kinda sucks to be wasting that much time in the train, because I'll get really nauseous if I try to work/write/read while driving with any vehicle :c

- horny!jisung is valid

oh no not the fucking living with strangers thing I genuinely THOUGHT ABOUT DOING THAT AND NOW IM SO HAPPY I DIDNT, that just sounds like a nightmare, renting a fucking room INSIDE SOMEONE ELSES HOME IS JUST NAH I'D RATHER LIVE AT HOME THEN AND PAY RENT TO MY MOM

but damn living that far away just hinders everything huh like thats 3 hours of your day that you just,, commute WHICH COULD BE SPENT RESTING, EATING OR STUDYING but but dont you fret, im sure you can handle this change, you've done it before and you can do it again!! <33

ALSO ONLY 4 YEARS FOR UNI HOUSING??? over here its 6 years and it gets extended i think if you persue a PhD which,,,, logical, 4 years is wayyyy too short :(( BUT ALSO WHY DOES IT SOUND LIKE YOU'RE PLANING TO SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AT UNI, WHY THE MASTERS?? is it difficult to get a job in the world of,,, maths,,, without a bachelors and masters??

[masterzholtan]

On the subject of Happiness 3

"Crazy as it sounds you won't feel as low as you feel right now"

I haven't written in this for years and I hate my handwriting so a diary has never appealed to me aside from that one summer I had no internet and played Pokémon Ruby for 6 weeks straight and wrote down how much I hated my parents for not paying the bill.

It's been a mad old journey and I've just reread the posts below about 2016 being amazing and my summer of freedom after the abuse id taken in the years prior, I gushed about joining University and here I am with a First Class Honours degree in Computer Science and a fucking gaming industry job that treats me so well. Look at how far we've come Andy.

I've not thought about what order to write stuff down in in this but I guess I wanna start near the top as in the reason I remembered this little diary existed. I met a person and they fill my heart with such joy and happiness, they are hilarious and beautiful, and together we're really going to take on the world and show others what love looks like. We are perfect for eachother, she told me she loved me and I'd never thought about that ever being a possibility again after all I've been through, I have my moments where I struggle (thanks for that youknowwho) with realising that it's real, and she does actually have these feelings for me and wants to spend time with me, touch me, treat me, laugh with me. And that's why I'm writing in this because a few nights ago she showed me she wrote about me in her diary and it was a real sweet thing to be let in to something so private for her. I can't remember what she wrote exactly because I wanted to read it quick and give back this tome of her thoughts and feelings of times passed, but the one thing that got me was how she described me as "The man she wants to spend her life with" or words to that affects and I've never been so honoured to hear that. In fact I don't think I've ever heard that from any partner before, always the giver and never the taker. She is not like that. I truly love her and trust her. I'm confident that we are it and that makes me so happy.

It's funny how these thoughts of my new partner came racing through my head at Download 22 just past as Biffy Clyro once again make me cry with Machines. The song that soundtracks my depression and anxiety for all these years and with my friends arms around me again as i weep to Simon Neil for I think the 6th or 7th time. I think of this blog so many years ago, I think of that summer of 2016 where I found myself and learnt myself, I think of the time at Uni, I think of the emotional and physical abuse, I think of being sick every morning for a year, I think of how sorry I am that i couldnt support the friends and partners that have come to pass.

I think of where I was and where I am now.

My friends haven't changed since I love them all as much as I do if not more than ever, they all love me still despite how annoying I am. Like a little chihuahua of excitement I am. But I think their tolerance for me will withstand a lifetime

I can't think much else to write. I'm still me, I still celebrate December 15th every year and will continue to do so, I was about to write about antidepressants and how it'd been so long, but I got back on them 2019-2020 and couldn't get my prescription when lockdown started so it's been about 2 years since, I had some private counselling in 2021 and 2 quick sessions this year because of how I was struggling to deal with Isolation, grief and eating which I told no one about except if you're blessed enough to read this

I can't say anyone is ever truly happy because our wants and needs change but I am getting pretty fucking close you know xx

[rosalesbeausderholle]

congrats on finishing ur degreee!!!! ive had to take like 3 breaks form mine bc mental illness and im still in undergrad @ 23 and sometimes i feel like it's never going to fucking end but seeing you finsh your degree is AMAZING!! it's corny but i feel inspired lmao.

Thank you!! But honestly, don't worry, and do your best to enjoy the ride, I wish I could have more time at uni tbh!!

This is hard to fully internalize because our culture is obsessed with the idea of success and higher education = success, but the way we need to look at it is that, other than because of economic concerns, it really doesn't matter WHEN you finish university. It's one thing to be worried that you can't afford to take more time to finish, either bc you need a job now or bc you can't pay to stay longer, or bc of what scholarships are available to you, etc; and another to worry about feeling like a failure because you didn't finish "on time".

If me and my two closest friends had done uni "right" we all should have finished by now. Instead one friend dropped out of one degree to start another and then got stuck and took another whole year to finish her dissertation; and then the other one didn't even finish our last two years of high school (here school is compulsory until you're 16 and the next two years are basically uni preparation) and instead decided to take the long way round to university by doing vocational training, which took her another four years, but now she's gonna be arriving at her teaching degree, starting it at 23, with some teaching qualifications ALREADY under her belt.

Then I also have a cousin for whom high school was super hard, and he also arrived two years "late" to starting university. Well guess what? He got two degrees! Law AND Philosophy, which are both super hard! He's probs one of the most accomplished people in our family and he was a "failure" at high school (he wasn't, he was just bad at some subjects which he failed but very good at others, aka like... everyone in the world). My own father didn't even finish high school at first, just decided to go straight to work as a field laborer, but then he thought that knowing more about growing vegetables would help him, so at 26 he decided to finish high school by taking night classes while working to finance all his studies and THEN he went to university and graduated with honors and THEN he got not one but TWO master degrees (the second of which he finished when he was 40!!).

So really, don't ever feel bad for being "already" 23 and still being undergrad!!! I am too. I just finished (well have some exams left but after my dissertation those will be a breeze) my own bachelor's degree. University is hard, by definition, and it gets extra hard when you have problems with mental health. Focus on yourself, on doing this for your own fulfillment, but also having the best time of it!! Me, my break was very hard on my self esteem, still now it's hard thinking about it for too long because it was such a hard time in my life, but I know if I had forced myself to not drop out that year that a) I wouldn't have switched schools, so I'd have stayed in the same school where most of my bullies were while being depressed. When I switched schools I still had that reputation but I ended up in a class of really really nice people, and that helped A LOT not only with actually finishing high school but with getting into university on my chosen degree with a really really high grade (which I needed). Plus, I wouldn't have been in the same year as my uni friends, and I'm so glad I met them. When life closes one door at you it always always opens another.

You need to be proud of yourself, not only are you getting a degree, which is hard by itself, but you also are getting one despite having already taken several breaks due to mental health! Just ONE was traumatic for me and had me reassessing my whole life! The fact that you've done that three times but still have the strength to go out is honestly, inspiring. You deserve a standing ovation imo and I mean that.

You'll get your degree friend, I know it, just do your best to have the best time of it and to take care of your mental health as much as possible. It'll be a lot more satisfying and you'll feel a lot happier in the long run if you do it slowly but surely than if you hurt yourself by trying to do more than you can. I believe in you! Good luck!!!

[vampire-himbos-of-santa-perdita]

I have to say seeing you so inspired is making me really excited. Also every single one of your pitches makes me go GIMME. So. I can't wait to read them all. ;) BUT ALSO question: I have so many ideas (lol never thought I'd say that, I used to be so empty and idea-less) and projects I wanna work on. How do you focus on one at a time? Decide ok, this week/month/year I'm working on THIS thing? AND how do you juggle with the rest of your life (I'm in uni)? It often feels like too much...

Thank you! 😍 I’m getting some weird creative energy this year, and I’m just rolling with it at this point...

It’s taken me a while to really figure out balancing multiple WIPs, considering I’ve been working on the same novel/series for 10+ years now, and being “done” with Regardless has made me want to write everything at once. I’m always in a bit of a state of cycling through three WIPs at once, but it’s not terribly productive, as I feel like whatever progress I make in each novel is miniscule. So I try to focus on one as my muse strikes me, and go at it until it’s done or my muse moves on to something else. 

I’ve decided this year, Heaven’s Tiny Daggers would be my spring/summer novel so I can get it nice and polished up to submit to Pitch Wars in October, and Haunt Your Murderers would be my fall/winter novel because the gothic atmosphere is a much better match. Those types of deadlines seem to help a ton, otherwise, I just get no writing done at all. A lot of my drive to write is just sheer force of will out of spite and bald-faced ambition, which I realize not everyone has.

If I had an answer for how to juggle life and writing, I’d be shouting it from the rooftops... To be honest, I’m a pretty horrific procrastinator, which means I get a lot less writing done than it seems.  While I was at uni for my undergrad I got zero writing done, but for my postgrad, I got ALL of the writing done, so I guess what I took from that:

I get the most ideas/strongest urge to write when I’m busy, especially if it’s doing something I’m passionate about, in places I love. I plotted out the basic concept for Haunt Your Murderers during my undergrad classes in Victoria, and I wrote the entirety of Moonage during my my year long graduate degree in Edinburgh. If my brain is nice and stimulated, it’s getting me writing more. 

I have to set aside a specific time every day to write. When I was working a regular job, it would be an hour during my lunch break. Lately, it’s 1-3 hours in the evenings. Just so long as I’m in the practice of writing every day, I’m motivated to keep going.

I use an app called SelfControl that lets you turn off all your social media websites for a designated time, and it can’t be overwritten until it’s done. Usually, I’ll set it for around 3 hours and just write. I’ve recommended this to friends even just for school stuff too. It cuts out my procrastination issues. 

I’m finding sprints really help get a lot out in constricted amounts of time! I’ll give myself 15 minutes to an hour-ish to write as much as I can without interruptions. It’s also a lot more fun if you can challenge a friend!

I spend a lot of time in libraries and cafes because I find it hard to write at home with so many distractions, so that’s a time where I get out specifically to write.

I want to throw it out there that none of these things are fool-proof. I, a known dumbass and fool, will often bypass many of these out of sheer stubbornness and procrastinate anyway. But I hope those tips are helpful to you and others!