#I see this done with varying degrees of success but it does make me like a work more (it’s like a twist done right)

[phoenixtakaramono]

If you give me something meta or “reimagine” a classic genre/trope while paying respectful homage to why they’re classic and/or timeless—and the execution is good, I will love it to pieces.

[invinciblerodent]

yknow, no, i'm not done thinking/posting/being deeply angry about the whole "bbuuuhhh Astarion is gay and was made playersexual as a game mechanic bbbuuuhhhhhhh" garbage some people still spout.

like this type of sentiment is always annoying and wrong, but it's specifically this character for whom it's especially annoying to me, just because on top of all the regular host of issues, it also deeply contradicts what I believe is the central theme of his whole goddamn story.

(excuse the rant please.)

Like, my skin already crawls at that term, "playersexual". I hate it, and find its use either vaguely ignorant at best, or blatantly pan/biphobic at worst. but even just besides that....

This character is a man whose narrative intentionally shows his presentation of himself, and of his masculinity, as being contradictory with convention. This character is one whose entire arc is about discovering who he is beyond the boxes he was assigned: a spawn, a monster, a seducer, a tool, a predator, a plaything, a victim, a sexual object... these are all identities that were forced onto him. And if he's given space to discover them, turns out, none of them are things that he actually wants to be. if you give him space, and affection (romantic or otherwise), and acceptance, and help him attain closure and catharsis, he expresses desire to be... an adventurer, a lover, a friend, a protector, so many things, but all of them in his own way. That's the point of his story, control vs. autonomy.

How.... myopic does one have to be to see that story, to play that story, to play an active, participatory role in that subversion, that search for the self beneath the masks, and declare that actually, they made him this other box for him to fit into, so... it's fine, i guess, to ignore what he says?????? it's fine if they pick and choose among his expressed traits which ones to use and which to disregard, because they decided (based on frankly homophobic and rather misogynistic stereotypes) that he cannot be different from their perception, despite him literally saying otherwise????????

Astarion's entire figure is a succession of trope-subversions. I could write essays about all the ways in which, in the romanced spawn game, the narrative sets up tropes (primarily in act 1), only to then purposefully knock them down and contradict them as the game progresses.

Like..... He was to take revenge by taking power for himself (like he thought he wanted, like Cazador did to Vellioth): ended up taking his revenge and rejecting the power that could have come with it, and despite that having a price, being content and grateful for it (and realizing that the alternative would have had an even greater price he would have paid unknowingly). He starts out using sex and sexuality as a weapon, and a tool of manipulation, like he did for many decades: ends up expressing discomfort with being seen as a sex object, resuming his sex life by saying "I love you" before his partner would have, and proposing sex with them as a beautiful metaphor for his own rebirth.

His whole story starts out with him thinking he requires protection from the player and that the only way to get that is through using his body and looks as a bargaining chip: later he discovers in himself a desire to be the protector himself, which he talks about more than once, and expresses varying degrees of discomfort at the thoughts of both using his body to gain something, and needing a protector.

There's the "this is what I'm good for" type of attitude towards sex morphing into "I am so much more than a thing to be used". There's the whole thing about how important his looks were to both him and his "usefulness" back then, despite him not being able to even fucking see them, (which also kind of includes that silly lovely gremlin-face he sometimes makes), but those are just the ones off the top of my head.

The story, and the romance plot, is about... it's about him regaining ownership of himself, it's about autonomy, his whole recurring "what do you want" line is about respecting his choices and letting him find his way to them, it's about letting him show you who he is, believing him, and loving the man behind the facade.

how absolutely fucking short-sighted does one have to be to then take that incredibly reductive stereotype of "femme-leaning man with theatrical mannerisms who cares about his looks; must be exclusively homosexual and any attraction he shows to women is just a mechanic/fanservice/flattery" (which, that's so fucking insulting to gay men, and bi/pan men, an any man who might express masculinity in a less than conventional way, and to the women who may love them [eta: and of course nonbinary people, and the people to whom masculinity means something wholly different]), and assign it to this character on their own accord, despite him literally telling the player otherwise? despite him verbally expressing attraction to multiple women, and contradicting that stereotypical interpretation wholly and out of pocket??????

like, hello??????? did we play the same game????????? did we play the same fucking game??????????

like don't think for one second that it isn't the pan/biphobia that annoys me more, it absolutely is, but this character is such a particularly egregious example, it's almost fucking poetic.

[teaveetamer]

While I wouldn’t outright call it “social media colonialism” either… I think I can see other anon’s point.

The Edelgard community is at home in their subreddit and their Discord server. Clearly, both platforms and the Edelgard subcommjnities in them, have a culture that is different from Tumblr’s, both of because how the websites work and because of the internal works of this communities itself.

Clearly, they have been attempting to establish a presence on Tumblr as well over the past years, to varying degrees of success (they mostly only interact with each other and seem to look down on other users, judging by various comments in the Discord server as well as publicly on Tumblr itself). Which would be absolutely fine, them as individuals wanting to interact with more people who like Edelgard. I mean, she does have fans on here as well. The thing is, it’s not that. It clearly seems to be a community effort (supported by the fact how they mostly interact amongst themselves) and they very clearly do not want to be here — at least, judging by the more or less frequent complaints about Tumblr, its userbase, and the blatant disregard of Tumblr culture, tagging only being one example.

Yes, Tumblr can be very different from other social media sites. I’m not saying newcomers immediately have to adapt it, or to adapt it fully at all. However, it’s been years at this point, and the Edelgang is still doing this shit, still looking down on the platform and its users (and expressing that), at most regarding them as pawns to assimilate into their own space.

While it might not outright be colonialism, the mindset of it (and by extension, religious mission) is absolutely there (which is kinda ironic due to the hate boner these folks have against a fictional religion).

Oh I 100% understand their meaning, I just want to be precise with the language. Personally I describe it more like… they “Christopher Columbus’d” Tumblr/transformative fan spaces. They showed up late to the party to a community/culture that was already well established, then act surprised when the people present don’t automatically drop to their knees and treat them like kings and saviors and immediately bow to their will. Which is… nothing new unfortunately. IMO they’re doing what straight men have historically always done to spaces (primarily) women and queer folk have built. They mock and deride the spaces (if they’re even aware of them at all) as being worthless, deviant, gross, or a waste of time, but the moment they have tangible value they move in and basically say “alright sweetheart thanks for keeping this warm for us, but now that I’m here you can stop pretending like you can make something and let me lead”.

And it’s frustrating because that ALWAYS means that the people who were already there get pushed to the margins or pushed out entirely, because no one sees the value in them. Just in what they built. I think it is VERY telling that people in their community who actively used Tumblr tried to teach them how to integrate into the culture more smoothly and they basically told them to go fuck themselves.

Believe it or not we LIKE tumblr and the way it works. If we wanted to use a space that worked like Reddit then we would just go use Reddit. So no we don’t appreciate them marching in and basically demanding we all treat this like Reddit and engage in Reddit Culture on Tumblr. And trust me I’ve used Reddit for a lot longer than I’ve used Tumblr, and I’ve used Tumblr for a long time now. I know what this looks like.

[seventeenlovesthree]

@taikouvember​​ Day 6 - Loyalty / Jealousy

Another aspect of the relationship between Taichi and Koushirou that really drew me towards them is that their senses of loyalty are complementing each other rather nicely. If you want to read it that way, you could also say that their “love languages” are - for the most part - highly compatible.

Of course there are more layers of how they behave around and treat each other, but to narrow it down a little, let’s sum it up like this:

Taichi’s love language - besides “physical touch/closeness” and “quality time” - is “words of reassurance”, especially when it comes to Koushirou. He trusts in and relies on his judgement 100%, in each and every situation, and will never grow tired of mentioning that (and that he thinks of him very highly, even if that is more apparent and vocalized in the novels and the reboot).

When he puts his entire faith in Koushirou as they try to figure out the card riddle, Taichi does so because he knows that he is the most capable person to do so. He’ll still take full responsibility - but it’s his “partner in crime” and best friend he believes in with not a shred of doubt in his mind that he will find the solution.

What makes this so interesting is that, while it’s never explicitly stated (at least not in the same way as the novels or manhua do), he seems to be perfectly aware of Koushirou’s insecurities whenever he can’t solve a problem. So his moments of gentle reassurance are just as important.

Koushirou, on the other hand, also fully believes and trusts in Taichi and has done so from the very beginning - direct quote from the anime (or the novels).

(...)

And as Taichi continuously reassures and relies on Koushirou like that, it’s not surprising that his love language, “acts of service”, is especially directed towards Taichi. Figuring out strategies to enable Taichi, not only in solving the card riddle, but also in saving Sora and Hikari; Taichi being the first person he runs to in order to save the world from a Digimon rampaging in the net; him staying up all night, spending years to create the perfect distortion tracking goggles (specifically!!!), or finding a way to prevent their partners from vanishing; last, but not least, him sacrificing himself to send Taichi a vital SMS to defeat their enemy.

They’re actually both great at being selfless self-sacrificers and are both not amused by the other’s behaviour - the difference is that Taichi tries to “gently” nudge Koushirou out of it (see examples above), while Koushirou tends to shout at Taichi for doing so (consistently through the years, with varying degrees of success, see here, here, here and here).

Long story short: Taichi, being the courageous leader that he is, wouldn’t be as successful if he didn’t know he could 100% rely on Koushirou, whom he irrevocably trusts in - Koushirou, who, despite his natural curiosity, probably wouldn’t be(come) as hands-on if he didn’t have someone to believe in him as persistently as Taichi does, while also being 100% committed to support him. (They both have yet to learn not to get into near-death situations because of that kind of loyalty, but I’m sure they’ll get there.)

Bonus: I will never get over how Novel!Yamato initially perceives Novel!Koushirou as “the quiet fourthgrader who never talks” and then this happens:

[resplendentgoldenwings]

I haven't been on tumblr much these days but on this Sunday past I realized I had been seeing a lot of post about IWTV, both the book and the 1994 movie. And I was like why am I seeing all this IWTV on my dash? Is there a new movie or something? I'd heard about the plans for a TV series a couple years back and completely forgotten about that.

Anyway I decided to check the tags out of curiosity and spent the next 48 hours utterly obsessed.

There's the trailer I saw if for some reason you still haven't seen it yet. Now I used to love the VC back in the day. The books were fun, erotic, and Anne Rice was a pretty good writer if a bit verbose at points and Lestat is a fantastic character. If you don't know the VC, The Vampire Chronicles are the main reason vampires with like human emotions and souls have become so popular.

So I spent the next 48 hours devouring everything I could for this new show. If I wasn't working or doing something that needed to be done I was scouring the internet for any and everything to do with AMC's Interview With the Vampire and I have some thoughts.

First I am super excited for this show, like forreal, y'all have no idea. The shit looks amazing, the directing, the costuming, the setting all of it looks on point. Things have been changed, but the spirit remains the same. Like look at that trailer and tell me everything important and essential about Louis Pointe Du Lac and Lestat De Lioncourt has not been captured.

But that said I want to talk a bit about some of the changes that have been made.

So in case you're wondering that picture of Jacob Anderson is Louis and yes he is black. Now this caught me a little off guard, like in the span of two seconds I learned that there was a new IWTV show and Louis was being played by that guy above. I immediately found the change intriguing.

That's Brad Pitt as Louis Pointe Du Lac in the 1994 film. He spent most of the movie being sad and beautiful and worming his way further into all of our teenaged hearts. He also very much does fit the description of Louis in the books, so, of course, some people are mad about this.

This isn't surprising. If you've been watching tv over the past 15 years, ever since Olivia Pope banged a president and Empire spent like 7 seasons as Fox's #1 show networks have been trying with varying degrees of success to put POC, especially Black people in more leading roles and some people really don't like that.

As a black woman I have mixed feelings about it. I have zero problems with character's having their races changed for the sake of diversity unless, of course, the character's race shapes the story in some important way. Which is why I paused when I found out about the casting. Louis Pointe Du Lac was a slave owner back in 1769, a wealthy one with two plantations.

There would have been a few Black Americans who owned slaves back then and even fewer that got rich from it. But already problematic Jacob Anderson playing a Louis that owned slaved would be especially distasteful. So instead the setting is changed. It's 1910 and Louis is a brothel owner.

Now some of the critics have used the idea of Louis as a pimp as some type of gotcha moment and I get it. They made this character Black and promptly made him a criminal??? Not quite, much like slavery in 1769 in 1910 New Orleans it wasn't illegal to own a brothel or do sex work.

So he's not a criminal and he's apparently grown extremely wealthy from running brothels. That doesn't make it okay, of course, but I imagine that's kind of the point. In this instance owning brothels could be considered analogous owning plantations. They're not the same but ya' know tomato, tomato.

Louis and his family, siblings and parents look like they are doing very well in the trailers. It's important that Louis have money because as he starts to doubt Lestat's feelings for him Louis comes to believe that Lestat is with him for the money. Oh Louis!

Now the usual suspects aren't the only ones bothered by the idea of Louis being a brothel owner some find it genuinely uncomfortable to have a sympathetic character doing bad things and some genuinely feel that it plays into a stereotype, which is part of why I want to offer my opinion.

Characters aren't meant to be perfect not even the POC ones. Characters need depth, they need flaws, they need vices and damn it when you change a character's race to diversify a story some things can and should change but the essence, the spirit of the character should stay the same.

He can't be an aspiration trophy, mortal Louis needs to acquire his wealth in an exploitative way, he needs to be a flawed character with room to grow.

You may still be uncomfortable with idea and certainly everyone is entitled to their opinion but it's flaws and vices that make characters relatable and beloved, its flaws and vices that make them feel real and human and its their flaws and vices that maybe sometimes teach something about ourselves.

Other Changes

Louis also seems to be somewhat more assertive and have more agency. I think that's smart. The other thing that bothered me with the race change was the already slanted power dynamic between the two being that much worse. To do this day in the African-American community one of the biggest concerns for us in interracial dating is the social power dynamic. Racism can become that much more dangerous if you're involved with an abusive white person. And well we all know what Louis says about his relationship with Lestat...

I do also think that Louis being Black and successful would simply have to be tougher more assertive person. I don't imagine he inherited the brothels and generational wealth and even if he did it's going to be a fight for a black family to keep that kind of wealth in 1910.

So with all these changes you might be wondering how can he possibly be the same. Well in many ways he's not but when you consider Louis' purpose in the story as a character, his core, his ability to drive the narrative home all Louis Pointe Du Lac needs to do is grieve, feel guilty and ashamed about things that were out of his control, be a bit of a liar and be really, really pretty in the face. From the trailers it certainly looks to me like Jacob Anderson's Louis is all of those things.

[taxinealkaloids]

Do we think Gertrude knows about the Agnes-Elias antagonism happening in the background? My vote is no; she's too busy trying to get work done to notice her coworkers having a catfight (This poor woman is stuck with the two worst ppl in the world who are both v possessive of her)

Hmm interesting question! (This is going to get pretty into my own personal headcanon territory; see this and this ask for more context. Obviously this isn’t canon or anything so feel free to disagree with me, I’m treating gertrude/agnes/elias as my personal playground to some degree here, haha)

I think it would be hard for Gertrude NOT to notice – while obviously she does have a lot going on, these three are circling each other like predators about to pounce. They’ve got each other’s full attention, with everyone constantly trying to figure out everybody else’s deal while keeping their own cards close to their chests. While Elias is extremely practiced at hiding what he’s thinking/feeling, and Gertrude is certainly getting there, Agnes is much younger and grew up in a cult that worshiped her. Arthur Nolan’s statement in ep 145 gives the impression that she was prone to a bit of tantruming (read: setting other cult members on fire) as well – I don’t think she’s used to having to hide her emotions and honestly don’t think she’d see much of a reason to. Subtlety may come naturally to Beholding avatars like Elias and Gertrude (and Elias, of course, is a master of it, which I think is honestly one of the reasons Agnes finds him irritating) but it is NOT the Desolation’s wheelhouse. Plus, I think Agnes really wants to be listened to. Sure, she may be used to having an audience for her every whim standing by at rapt attention, but those were cultists who both worshiped and were terrified of her. Gertrude, on the other hand, doesn’t appear to be scared of her at all – she doesn’t HAVE to listen, which I think would make it all the more important to Agnes that she (Gertrude) DOES listen, to whatever Agnes wants to express (which includes her opinion of Elias). I don’t think she’s holding back on sharing her thoughts, is what I’m saying. 

Also, I mentioned in another ask I answered about these 3 that one headcanon I have for them is that their interconnected nature leads to some occasional psychic bleedthrough of thoughts and feelings, so one member of the group might suddenly get hit with a random wave of emotion from another member. I think Elias and Gertrude clocked what was going on with this pretty quickly and immediately set about shutting that shit down (with varying degrees of success) because they’re both extremely private people with a lot to hide. Agnes, however, isn’t practiced with modulating her own brainwaves and doesn’t see the point in trying – her thoughts and feelings SHOULD be everyone’s problem, she was raised to think of herself as the Messiah – so the other two are getting hers loud and clear. But even if Gertrude wasn’t being subjected to Sulky Psychic Blast courtesy of Agnes whenever she stays after-hours to discuss something with her boss, I think her own non-supernatural observational senses would be sufficient to clue her in to the Agnes-Elias animosity (at least from Agnes’s side. I think Elias is far less scrutable, it’s hard to get him to outwardly show strong emotions about anything even when he’s definitely having them. As we see in the actual text of tma, he’s pretty much calm and courteous RIGHT up to the point where he is bashing your head in with a pipe).  

(To say more about Agnes-Elias animosity from Elias’s side of things – I don’t think he dislikes her, actually! She’s interesting, and he’s not in the business of disliking things that are interesting, but she’s also a dangerous liability that needs to be kept at arm’s length and closely monitored. It’s not the MOST convenient thing for her highly volatile soul to be all wrapped up in that of his archivist, but it DOES make for easy observation. He definitely has a healthy amount of fear of her, but he’s a Beholding avatar whose passion is paranormal research science. Being scared of a thing only encourages him, and he’s had over a century to learn how to handle volatile substances carefully.)

So yeah I DO think Gertrude is at least reasonably aware of the Agnes-Elias antagonism. What I think Gertrude might be less aware of, however, are the ways in which Agnes is jealous of and even admires Elias. I’ve talked before about how to Agnes, Elias would naturally come across as very in control, knowledgeable, and capable of getting what he wants. Agnes, on the other hand, for all her power, has never truly been in control of her life. She was born with a capital-D Destiny that she has no clue of how to fulfill and she can burn through as many adoring, terrified cultist minders she wants and still she is able neither to escape said destiny NOR get her supposed acolytes to tell her anything useful (they themselves have no clue either lmao). So, I think there’s a certain element of her wanting what Elias has, in that regard. When he asks, people answer. Even Gertrude, who I think Agnes sees as the most impressive person she knows, has to answer to Elias sometimes – something that actually plays into another thing you mentioned which I think was a really good point – both Elias and Agnes are very possessive of Gertrude. Both see her as rightfully belonging to them and no one else, which is a main source of conflict between the two. Meanwhile, I think Gertrude herself is adamantly opposed to the idea of belonging to anyone and is very fixed on the idea that she still is in control of her own actions and the only true authority she answers to is herself. I think Gertrude sees herself as playing the system a bit – yes, she’s currently allied with Elias and Beholding but she’s just using that power source for her own gain, she isn’t REALLY aligned with any of the entities! Yes, the Web has the three of them tangled up in some inscrutable plot but ultimately, Gertrude’s still playing her own game! (Of course, we know this is not nearly as true as she would like to think, but it’s what helps her sleep at night.)

Anyway, thanks for your ask! You know I’m always down to talk about my ideas for these 3. Again, this is just my entirely subjective interpretation and it’s no more valid than anyone else’s since there is so little actual canon material, so you’re free to think whatever you want. 

[badtaktopheadcanons]

An image has come to my mind, that being Twinkle Star becomes a guest lecturer at a University Grade class on Astrophysics, with the whole class gaping as this tiny girl walks into the classroom, steps up a step stool to stand before the podium and starts her lecture.

And as this tiny child is providing her lecture, everyone has to fight the urge to coo at her, especially given the hulking form of Tannhauser and the smaller but more armored form of Walkure that have accompanied her as her bodyguards.

Once all is said and done, Twinkle Star steps off of the podium, takes a bow or curtsy, and then is lifted up and placed on Tannhauser's shoulders and given a ride off of the campus.

I also like to picture each of the Musicarts trying to teach each other their own national languages...with varying degrees of success, some, such as Canon and Winter, take to them like a fish to water, while others like Jupiter and Tannhauser have...some difficulties with them lol.

Somehow, Twinkle star and Nutcracker wind up absorbing the most languages, becoming fully fledged polyglots with relative ease, though this also has the side effect of them occasionally switching languages while writing or speaking, causing a few issues lol.

As a final image before I go to sleep, Tannhauser and Jupiter's meeting at the Berlin Symphonica went something like Meliodas and Bans meeting after being apart for so long from Seven Deadly Sins, that is they started throwing down while smiling and laughing, totaling a rather sizable portion of the building as they fought, all while laughing and cheering.

The conductors nearly had a shared heart attack when the pair broke through the wall and into the cafeteria while they were sparring, and a poor Mutar was even crushed by some of the debris...how unfortunate lol.

All of that said, stay safe and take care.

RAHHH OMG YOU'VE SEEN MY POST ABOUT MUSIE RIGHT?? THE INTER-MUSICART DIALECT THAT DEVELOPED IN BERLIN SYMPHONICA AS A RESULT OF MUSICARTS SHARING INNATE KNOWLEDGE OF THE "HOME LANGUAGE" OF THEIR SCORE?!! (edit; you have lol i forgor 💀) twinkle star would probably speak that 90% of the time, since she's one of the oldest musicarts by time served (iirc she's technically like. 42. which is so funny to me). So I bet Twinkle Star is the bet at Musie naturally, even if she's not good at teaching it. Many other musicarts likely speak and converse in non-Musie, though, since the existence of a half-French half-German creole with no written records and that nobody but Musicarts can understand might make the higher-ups a little worried... god forbid their war machine tries to secretly communicate with each other to.. *shudder* unionize...

Tann and Jupie are 100% the type to break shit without even thinking, so their 'greeting throwdown' makes total sense. They're probably also the only ones who can arm wrestle each other without sending the other flying (Walkure refuses to participate, and as such does not count).

Anyway, two drawings of Twinkle Star and one of Jupie:

^ explanation on my thought process for "deha": In Musie, French "J"s are pronounced like German "J"s, which, in the middle of words, softened over time to voiced "H"s. I could see it being used further with "kenn" (short for kennen) to make "Dekkenn" (pronounced Day-ken), which would be used as something similar to "OK" or "You got it." (if anybody here is a linguist pls tell me if that's an unreasonable shift lol)

[thisiskatsblog]

Best to you, Kat. Always had respect for you. Harry is a businessman; so is Louis. Your love for the fandom shouldn’t be confused with misplaced love for either artist.

Thank you for the well wishes, anon. I do appreciate that you thought of me, wanted to share that with me, and your respect for the love I have given fandom. It means a lot to me that this is recognized. Really. Thank you.

I am afraid the ask doesn't come across to me as respectful as you believe it is, though. There is judgment in using the term "misplaced love" , making it come off as though you think I am naïve about things and you know better.

I am a lot of things - among others passionate, open, and I tend to place trust in others - but that definitely does not equal naïve.

I know all too well that, if you want to make a living as a musician, you also need to understand, and get involved in, the business side of things.

Having grown up in the nineties, I have seen first hand my fair share of artists who detested the "business", and who - to various degrees - fought it or refused to reconcile with it, in view of maintaining their "integrity" as artists. I have zero illusions about how sustainable such objections are. You cannot keep it out if you want to build a long term career in music and the size of your success will usually have something to do with the compromises you are willing to make. And once the success comes in, even if you have not compromised before, the compromises become inevitable anyway. I have also seen that this doesn't necessarily mean you have to let go of all integrity. Several artists of my youth continue to draw big crowds, and manage to connect with their audience, move me to the core when I go see them, even for the umpteenth time.

What I am saying is that I'm not the type of person who believes an artist should refuse to become a businessman to remain credible and preserve their "integrity" as an artist. I believe that every artist has to decide for themselves where they draw the line between business interests and artistic integrity, between how much they want to earn off the back of their fans, and how much it's "all about the music". It can all be done while still making a real connection with the fans. Without making them feel alienated.

I'm also not an idiot and I know that all the boys in 1D were businessmen before they became somewhat credible as artists. They have all fought to overcome the prejudice that they are businessmen before artists, “pop stars fabricated to make money, with little to say as artists,” even. I also know their fights have had varying, and sometimes limited success.

However, I do believe that several of them DO have something to say. I believe what they have to say could be valuable, and I hope and wish they get to say it. While I wouldn't call that "love" for the artist, I do believe in several of them as artists. Maybe they're not the best artists I know, maybe they are not my favourite artists ever, but I believe they have things to bring to the table, I am interested to hear them.

And yes I have a great love for this fandom, and the people, particularly the LGBTQ+ people, in it. This comes first to me and I'm glad you recognized this.

But, insofar this includes any of the artists who might be LGBTQ+, my love goes out to them as well, not as artists, but as young people who deserve my energy to fight for our rights and wellbeing as a community. And it's also in this respect that I feel that Harry and Louis have earned some of my love and trust. Harry's relentless support to the community, from the start; the many songs / videos in which he is or might be referencing some of what this fandom has created (Sign of the Times, Adore You, Treat People with Kindness, Lights Up, Matilda). The pride flag on Louis' stage during my show in Antwerp; and a beautiful song like Only the Brave that has inspired the community.

That hasn't changed with anything that's happened.

What has changed, is my trust in Harry's integrity as a businessman.

You don't need to keep out business to keep your integrity as an artist. You can, for my part, even be a very successful businessman and keep integrity as an artist. But that does presume you maintain integrity as a businessman as well. And THAT is where the past days' events have disappointed me incredibly.

While I myself, would probably have made decisions about my career more like Louis' than like Harry's (the ticketing prices for Louis are much more democratic, and he has definitely chosen the harder road, trying to go more indie rock with his sound), I am not angry at Harry for "selling out" because he has stuck to pop and clearly wants to be “big”. What I am angry about is the lack of integrity on the business side.

I bought a ticket for a seat which the sales information in 2020 told me was at the B stage. For more than two years I did not know what was going to happen for this concert but I did not ask for my money back. I bought what I bought and I trusted that I would receive what I was promised to get in return. I didn't ask for a refund when the US tour was given priority over the EU one, I held on to my ticket. I didn't ask for a refund when a new record was announced and the setlist was not going to be what I expected it to be with this very different album coming out, I held on to my ticket. At the very least, I would have expected the layout of the room, on which the price of the seats in 2020 was based, to remain the same.

What Harry and his team did to the people with 2020 VIP seat tickets for the EU tour, completely lacks business integrity. We were sold a cat in a bag. So yes I have lost faith in Harry’s integrity as a businessman, and that compromises, in my view, his integrity as an artist.

I continue to support everyone who is bringing rainbows to his tour, in support of LGBTQ+ fans.

I continue support everyone who is bringing rainbows to Louis' tour.

I also continue to support Louis as an artist. It really surprised me anon that you wished to extend my loss of faith in Harry to him. There is no reason for it that I can see at this time. And if and when I can muster the energy I do hope to return from hiatus to follow (some of) his tour. We'll see.

I'm also not a fan of cancel culture. Which is to say Harry could probably win back my support and trust by doing better and surrounding himself with a better team, that cares more about integrity in business, and about the way he connects with his fans, a team that is not up for alienating long term fans over money. A team that doesn’t see his fans a short term cash making machine, but as real people with hopes, expectations and feelings. 

You cannot cater to everyone - OK - those are choices you make - but you are also not above everyone and you need to honor the expectations you raise. It's not a small deal to disregard "a few fans who bought VIP tickets 2 years ago" to "bring in more new fans" (who will incidentally bring in shitloads more of money). I hope he is able to understand how that makes a significant number of very faithful fans, who have stood by him all this time, whom he raised expectations with, whom he promised something, I hope he is able to understand how that makes them feel. Because it feels as if faith and trust in him is not valued.  It feels as even our money isn’t valued. Good businessmen know that this is not doing good business. Integrity does matter, also in business. And it matters for you as an artist, or it should, because it alienates part of your fanbase. This Harry and this team makes us feel alienated on a constant basis.

For me, the alienation didn't start with the layout changes, it has long been going on and it manifests in many different things. It's about catering to the American market and disregarding everyone else (and Europe has the least to complain I know this well). It's about everything that comes with catering to this homophobic American market, so that even rainbow projects are organized by homophobes who give your bi flag a nasty smirk while they are handing you their colored piece of paper, ignoring you with disgust on their faces while you try to thank them for organizing this because "its not about LGBTQ people we just want to make Harry happy" (this is the London rainbowhproject I'm talking about). It's about talking about American political issues but not recognizing the very serious and real political issues in the UK (only encouraging people to vote when it's already too late), it's about making fun of fans who want to hear fine line or medicine (in what upside down world does an artist not appreciate that people want to hear the more obscure songs like Medicine, rather than the hits like Watermelon Sugar). Its's about not really connecting, just giving a semblance. And, now that we are at it, on a personal level, it’s also about mansplaining abuse, and instead of saying something really useful about tit, telling people fairy tales ("I know they won't hurt you anymore if you can let them go") but not giving any real support. 

Back to the ticket scam, maybe Harry can content himself with fans who don't understand what was done to them or who don't give a fuck whether they are treated like cash machines or humans, or with only American fans if he so wishes. In which case: fine. But honestly I don't believe that's what he wants. So I hold out a wee bit of hope that things might change. We'll see. Maybe. Maybe not. I've decided I won't be buying tickets to Harry's shows until that time and I'm also taking a break from here to protect myself from feeling awful every time something like this happens. It breaks my heart - Harry has meant so much to me as a person, and some of his music has meant a lot to me too - but coming to these shows hopeful, positive, and coming home feeling completely alienated for the second time after what happened at the London show, I simply don't have the energy for that anymore. 

Back then I tried to keep going but eventually it led me to staying away for a year and a half. I'm too interested in what Louis does next to stay away that long I think, so I'm taking a break now, and I'll see when I feel zen enough to come back and show some interest in other things.

Thanks again for wishing me well in the meantime, anon.

[thegingeralien]

Thought I might share my “doing homework with adhd” tips in case the might help even just one person (because that would make me feel happy).

Who am I to be giving you advice? Good point! I am still terrible at studying and I’m 26 and at University for the millionth time. But I have studied A LOT in my 22 years of schooling with varying degrees of success.

I see a lot of people, especially teenagers or first year university/college students, with ADHD asking for tips on how to study. But if you do a google search most of the websites and advice that comes up can be extremely ableist. So I hope I can help someone!

TIPS TO HELP YOU STUDY WHEN YOU HAVE AN ADHD GREMLIN BRAIN!:

1. Chewing gum!

- This might come across as a weird one, but it has actually really helped me. I use it as a form of stimming to help keep me focused and concentrating. Other forms of stimming can potentially end up being more of a distraction when you actually need to be reading or writing - but they can help if you just need to be listening. Try not to get a bubble gum or fun flavoured one though - as they can end up making your mouth feel dry, lose flavour quickly, and just give your brain way too many sensory things to become distracted with.

2. Buying colour coded stationary!

- New stationary can make me really excited to start studying, but that excitement never lasts long and the act of buying stationary can sometimes become it’s own hobby. That’s not what we are going for here. I really recommend, especially if you are a visual learner like me, to buy colour coded stationary. This means removable page markers, different coloured post it notes, highlighters, sometimes even pens. This way if your mind jumps from one topic to the other, it doesn’t matter. Go with the flow. Forcing your ADHD gremlin brain to focus can be extremely counter intuitive. So pick a colour for each topic, and stick to that system to find organisation among your own chaos!

3. Buy a really cheap, boring year diary with hardly any writing inside.

- Not sure if your school/university has their own diary but they can be perfect for what I am on about. Generally you can find them for really cheap, soft cover, no writing or designs within the dates. Just dates, days, weeks and lines where you can write your homework. This helped me a lot in High School. I wish I had kept doing it in University, but I am good with giving advice, and not so much with taking it. I used to decorate the outside of it however I wanted. Some years I would redecorate the same diary every semester. In the public holidays or holiday days I would colour those lines in with different highlighters to make it look like a rainbow. But every assignment due date, homework, draft, rewrite, form I had to bring back, library book due date, school activity days, ANYTHING to do with school I would write in there with reminds and check lists. Important due dates would be highlighted, general homework and daily to do lists t(o help me not leave my assignments to the last minute) would have a tick box beside them (because ticking tick boxes is free dopamine). Try to not put birthdays or fun things in it. This is a small way to stay on track so it helps you actually stay on track with the big things when you’re home.

4. Big whiteboards stuck on the wall where you can’t avoid it.

- This is not something I had in school, but I so wish I did. I have been using this recently to keep on top of house work (as maintaining your own house is tiring) and my small business or other things I really can’t avoid. If I physically write it down (not just in my phone) it psychologically does help you commit it to memory. Again, physically putting a line through a task you just completed is a hecking great rush of dopamine. But the biggest reason I love my white board, I can’t ignore it. It is stuck to the wall and is never out of sight, out of mind. I can’t put my phone or diary down and then refuse to look at it until I’m past the due date. Again, I’m not a perfect person, there are days where I don’t do anything I have written on the white board. But the great thing is, I don’t have to continuously feel like I failure, as I can wipe it all off the next morning or week and start fresh. I also put important things I have to remember that I’m doing during the week so I don’t forget them.

5. Icky Medication.

- I know not everyone wants to be on medication, and I understand. I am not forcing you to. No matter what your opinions are, you lovely gremlin who is still reading this post, regarding medication, you are valid and I respect you. My personal experience with medication has not been the best. I have been misdiagnosed for a severe chunk of my academic life which has seen me trying to focus and maintain school work under some even worse states then I am unmedicated! However, since receiving my diagnosis and finding the right ADHD medication for me, I have the ability to get so much work done without having to unnecessarily struggle. It’s unfortunately not magic, it will not turn me into a robot that makes me do work and turn out incredible, noble peace prize winning assignments (as much as I wish that were possible). I still have the ability to be a lump, doom scrolling through tumblr, forgetting to eat, and ignoring responsibilities. But it really helps me when I sit down and start that thing that isn’t fun. Yesterday it helped me hyperfocus on cleaning my office which was a terrifying room to be in. So it’s pretty close to magic in my opinion!

6. Accessing Disability Support at your place of learning.

- Not all of you taking the time to read this will have either a) an offical diagnosis or b) a good disability support available to you wherever you are completing your studies. And that is okay. This dot point just won’t be for you right now. But keep it in mind for a time when it might apply to you, as it’s something I never thought I would need, but will never take for granted ever again.

- If you have an offical diagnosis and Disability Support, make an appointment with the disability support adviser. DO IT NOW! Get your psychiatrist to write a diagnosis letter outlining that you have <enter superpower that makes you hilarious here> and that you are receiving <enter x,y,z treatment here> and that you would benefit from receiving <enter what you have always wished you had on the days you can’t make your ADHD gremlin brain do the thing here>. Now these benefits can be, but not limit to: automatic extensions on ALL assignments, extra time on exams, extra breaks to walk around while taking exams, special consideration when marking assignments, my university allows me to take exams in a separate room with only the other students in my subject who also have disability support (occasionally I have taken an exam alone with only a tutor present) so I don’t get distracted, permission to take fidget items into class or exam (I have the option to wear headphones, as long as I can display that they are not connected to anything). Maybe you can come up with some great ones for you with your disability advisor or your psychiatrist.

- The disability advisor will often go through your course outline with you at the start of each semester or year. This is annoying and a great time for disassociating, but can be useful in hindsight because you are made aware of everything that will come up during your class so you are not surprised. Because lets be honest, it is unlikely you are going to look at the course calendar too often.

- Side Note: I make an appointment every semester with my disability support officer for my area of study to make sure I have my special considerations for the year. Now I may go through the whole year without ever using my considerations. However, the fact that I know they are there takes an insane amount of pressure off of myself. If I’m having an insanely screwy loony tune mental health moment, I can email my coordinator my disability plan and say I need an extension due to personal reasons, and WHOOP, there it izzzzz.

7. Dedicated one thing or a few things that have nothing to do with food/alcohol/other substances to reward yourself with for doing the thing!

- This may not work for everyone. It doesn’t always work for me. I used to reward myself with food, but that only reinforced my stimming with overeating and my already bad relationship with food. And I feel as though that would be the same with any other substance that can be linked with addiction. (Addiction is a tough word, cause what aren’t I addicted to, I have ADHD, but hopefully you get what I mean!).

-Now, boring try and not choose this aside, lets think of somethings that work really well as rewards!

- My partner likes to come give me a kiss and a hug when ever they have written and reread a paragraph, you might buy a book when you get a really good mark, you might want to go make a cup of tea and watch an episode of your hyperfixation after studying for <enter a good period of time here>, you might allow yourself to partake in an activity you usually do while procrastinating (but at least this time you know you aren’t putting something off), talk to someone who you know will tell you they are proud of you as they understand the mental struggle you go through to concentrate (if you can’t think of anyone, it is 110% okay if that person are the amazing people on tumblr or the adhd tumblr chats. We will freaking pop a bottle of champagne for you cause we get it!).

- Try and make what ever you choose be something in a different room or away from your working space. Getting out can really calm you down.

8. Don’t be afraid to ask for assistance.

- This is true for anything, but I don’t mean just asking your teacher to give you extra help understanding the task and marking rubric. Many people online, tutors, librarians at your school, past or present students offer assistance rereading and making small edits (they won’t make it magical unfortunately) to your assignments. If you are like me and once you have written or completed the dreaded thing, you can not imagine or force your gremlin brain reread or edit the thing. So it can help to just delegate this to someone else, who hasn’t read it before, so they won’t disassociate or skim read it. They will often notice things you never would have even if you were neurotypical as that is just what happens when you have been working on something for so long.

9. Repetitive music.

- It generally helps if this has no lyrics. Lo-fi is amazing. Classical is alright too if it works for you, but both my partner and I agree that it can really assist you to keep up pace and focus when the beat is a high and repetitive (almost meditative) tempo.

10. Limit your screen space.

- This is a tip completely from my partner @dr-adhd who also has ADHD, is an avid PC gamer and is consistently in a battle with their gremlin brain to focus on completing their PhD. They have discovered that it really helps them to limit their screen space - simply put, work on one screen only. They have done more work more easily when they have their one screen on their laptop to focus on. Whereas their office has multiple screens so they could be playing runescape, watching YouTube, listening to lo-fi and doing work - which never worked (shocking right hahaha).

11. At the risk of sounding like a Mum... Put your phone and other electronics other than the assignment necessary one, away.

- I am a Mum, but to a fluffy puppy dog, so I hate to sound like my Mum when I was in high school, but she was right. Mobiles are the single easiest and biggest distraction in ADHD history. I often, even at coffee shops, have to turn my phone over so that I am not consistently looking at it every time the screen lights up to say the pizza place has sent me a coupon, or a carpet place that has been having a sale since I was born is... still having a sale, or a friend from school wants you to watch this TikTok. Even though you might not want to ignore your friends, because people pleasing, difficulting making/keeping friends and RSD are hecking real things, but they can all wait. Trust me, none of them are urgent. That TikTok will still be funny in an hour or two. And I’m probably completely right when I say that whomever just messaged you, never replies as quickly as you want them too. So I doubt they are going to think twice if you are MIA to finish your thing.

My partner or I might add to this later, but at the moment I already know that I probably wouldn’t read this wall of words if I was the one reading it, so if you are still with me, THANK YOU and I really hope I might have helped you. Sorry for the mound of words, but maybe you can reblog, screen shot, or save this and read a dot point at a time or refer to it when you need. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, I promise what ever it is, I’ve asked the same thing once in my life or something MUCH stupider.

[pynkhues]

Hi! I love your Succession meta, especially when you drew parallels between Kendall and Rose, I wouldn't have thought of it myself, but that makes perfect sense! I'm curious what is you take on how Logan treated Kendall's ambiguous disorder when it first started manifesting (probably in his teens?). It must haves been such a mess, considering the fact that Kendall is in a complete denial he might have serious mental health issues, and his family only brings them up as a weapon to use against him. Would anything have changed if he'd actually got the help he needed at the beginning?

Hi! Thank you so much!

And ooo, that's such an interesting question, especially given the show has shown that the Roy siblings have spoken to therapists / psychologists before. Roman and Shiv both bring it up a few times throughout the series, and Kendall mentions it most notably in 3.02, and I think you could argue that his breathing exercises in 3.01 are an indication he's spoken to someone about anxiety before (although I do suspect Kendall's therapy has mostly been tied to rehab / recovery in the past as opposed to him trying to actually address any of his other issues).

It sort of makes me think that Logan himself isn't actually adverse to the concept, because if he was, I don't think any of the kids would do it at all, but I do think he has this sort of - - mmmm - - failure to acknowledge what that means, if that makes sense?

So much of what we see of Logan's understanding of vices, mental health or neurodivergence seems to come down to one of two things – either it's something to be fixed, or it's something to be controlled. Both are really clearly demonstrated I think with Iverson, where the Thanksgiving episode positioned his difficulties with transitioning houses as something Kendall should be controlling, and then later in 3.08 with the loaded line 'is he getting better?' as an indication of him viewing Iverson's autism as an ailment to be fixed and not a part of who he is.

We see it in other ways throughout the series too – telling Roman he needs to get 'straightened out', or confronting Kendall on his crying as if he wants to wring the weakness of it out of him. Interestingly too, he tends to treat Kendall's addiction not as something to be fixed, but something to be controlled, most notably in 2.01 when he tells him thinking (and using) is best done 'in limits'. Even still though, his advice is never to seek help, but always to self manage, and the idea I think of really unpacking an issue is something like acknowledging a weakness. Gosh, he even calls rehab 'the nuthouse' in 1.01.

The thing about Logan I think is that he cares more about projecting strength than possessing the actuality of it (although he does care about that too, haha), and that seems to go double for his sons. They represent a legacy of power, control and force, and while they might be varying degrees of fail children, it's only when their weaknesses or 'embarrassing' behaviour i.e. Connor's presidential run or Roman's issues with sex, become more public, that it becomes a problem for Logan.

In that sense, I don't think there's any way Logan's ever really known how to deal with Kendall's mental health. I think you're right that he was probably displaying symptoms from his teenage years, if not from childhood (I tend to read him as bipolar and as being on the autism spectrum, but it is still fairly ambiguous), and I think Logan probably more often than not either looked the other way or reacted as an authoritarian / disciplinarian, not unlike how he did with Iverson in 1.05.

I think for Logan a diagnosis wouldn't necessarily have changed that. It would've been something that needed to be hidden and controlled, and for Kendall, I think it would've been something he felt immense amounts of shame around, even if he had a treatment / management plan, and that his father's need for it to not exist would likely have him self-medicating through drugs and alcohol in the way he already does. Kendall's not someone who easily accepts help after all, even when he really, really wants it, and I don't really think a diagnosis early or otherwise would really have changed all that much for him.

I'm not sure though! What do you guys think?

[theseerasures]

why is it so hard to defect from Atlas?

Barbara Dunkelmann said during Comic-Con at Home last year that this season’s theme would be “distrust,” but i’m wondering now if the more appropriate word is “discontent.” since Divide, we’ve had arguments big and small, teams splitting up and recombining, and of course, :( and :/ galore at all the war, all the crimes, all the war crimes, and all the general bad decisions (not to be confused with James Ironwood, General Bad Decisions). we’ve now had our first major defections of the season with Hazel and Emerald, which is...interesting to me; they’re both long-runners, certainly, but part of the reason they’re long-running is because their arcs have ALWAYS been on a slow boil. for the defection to happen around the mid-season mark, a lot of things (particularly for Hazel) had to happen very quickly, particularly since they both skipped out the previous season altogether. this is made all the more interesting by the fact that the Atlesian supporting cast who filled the time in season 7 are similarly discontented, but...well, a generous reading of it would be that they’re still “figuring things out,” but we’ve also been watching them “figure things out” for two seasons now, Winter and Marrow especially. why did Hazel and Emerald defect first when they work for the main villain, when Winter and the AceOps--who have taken up more screen time cumulatively during the Atlas arc--are still hemming and hawing to various degrees?

long discussion under the cut--but the tl;dr is: it’s because they live in a (narratively constructed) society

i’m actually gonna start with the discontent that DIDN’T result in defection, which is obviously the Yang-Ruby split. we’ve known that members of Team Protagonist--most notably Yang and Ren--have had doubts for a while now, and sure enough, when push comes to shove they pick a path separate from their implicit leader. as protagonists Yang and Ren are frequently our POV characters, so we’re predisposed to sympathize with them as they doubt Ruby’s agenda, root for them as they bring it up to Ruby in conversation, and...watch as they...regretfully but cordially agree to disagree...

wait, what?

that’s the thing about Team Protagonist, especially at this point in the narrative: everyone feels safe and secure enough in themselves and in each other to communicate openly, even when they disagree. every time Yang felt uncomfortable she talked to somebody about it, and even Ren--Mr. Weaponizing Repression himself--was able to express how he felt. even if it took some prodding from Nora/Yang, even if the direction of his emotions ended up misfiring and hurting his friends--they’re his friends. his family, even. Team Protagonist is able to act and stay together so effectively because they make open communication a priority: they follow Ruby’s lead, but they also trust that Ruby will LISTEN to them, even if she doesn’t always agree.

(the reason they had this disagreement at all is because of the time they couldn’t talk things through, and just had to uncritically back Ruby’s play--when they first entered Atlas. funny, that.)

Team Salem obviously doesn’t work the same way, and this season has made it particularly explicit just how much everyone lives in a state of constant fear and surveillance. what makes solidarity and eventual rebellion possible (though terrifying), though, are two things: first, Salem--being an upstart herself--actually encourages a level of individual initiative in her followers (well. encouraged; i have a feeling with the Hound being a success and Hazel and Emerald’s defection she’s about to change her tune). she’s a master manipulator, and uses people’s individual wants to sway them to her side; but she’s also not a mind-reader, which is kind of biting her in the ass right now.

second, Salem herself is so many LEAGUES beyond everyone else on her “team” that (unless you’re actively trying to be a tit) there...isn’t actually much of a hierarchy beyond “Salem’s in charge.” Watts and Cinder--both Atlesian to varying degrees, mind--are the two who try the hardest to carve out some authority of their own, but even Watts is at least convivial with everyone (except Cinder). to be on Team Salem you have to accept that this is her world and you just live in it, and that ends up equalizing people from very disparate backgrounds with very disparate personalities and skillsets. no one, not even Tyrian, is under the delusion that Salem cares about them, or will listen to their counsel. so when it comes to the least of her followers--Emerald, who (joke copyright @professorspork) is basically Salem’s grandpet, this gerbil who follows her around now for some reason and occasionally makes weird noises (”you mean crying?” Emerald asks, crying)--it’s actually quite easy for her to escape Salem’s notice until it’s too late, while firming up the solidarities that she has (Hazel and Mercury--not Cinder).

to defect, Emerald and Hazel need a degree of narrative interiority, some sense of security with each other (even if it’s just subconscious), and time. time to work things out from their point of view, pull the wool from their eyes. this season’s narrative has given them all that and more.

our Atlesian potential defectors...haven’t been so lucky, and the most recent episode has made that contrast very explicit.

i’m sure i’m not the only one who assumed, when Ironwood first floated the bomb plan, that we’d be getting some kind of Mission Impossible sneaky stealth shit. we’re used to seeing the AceOps do small squad missions, after all, and the timing felt right thematically too, since we left War with Ren literally expositing to all of them that they do, in fact, have feelings. an extended mission to themselves would give them a chance to air out those feelings away from Atlas’ own system of surveillance, figure out what to do together...

but we didn’t get any of that. instead, we got the whoosh laser kapow version of a Sassoon poem, and the AceOps barely talked to each other at all. the only points of view we got were from Marrow, and Winter.

this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to them this season, either--remember the Penny Retrieval mission that wasn’t? there were also hopes that Marrow and/or Winter would turn at that point, but then Salem invaded. Winter and the AceOps have had the potential to defect for a while now, but the narrative has been actively withholding opportunities for them to actualize on any of that potential. it’s been actively withholding opportunities for them to act as a team, period.

it’s possible to handwave this as writerly convenience--everyone can’t defect at the same time, the episodes don’t have room for it--but the ways that defections have been prioritized so that the Atlesians come after also points to a recurring motif with Atlas, which Elm says explicitly in Witch: you can deal with your issues later.

there’s always some kind of delayed promise at Atlas, isn’t there? the Amity project will help. Mantle’s Wall will get fixed (until it wasn’t). when Penny confronts Winter about leaving Mantle to die, Winter says first that they don’t have time, and it seems like they never actually do, except for in this imagined later, when they’ll reckon with every thing that they’ve done.

it doesn’t exist, of course. fascism is only able to remain effective through the engineering of crisis, and Salem might as well be a crisis perpetual motion generator. you can’t conscientiously object if your conscience is constantly stifled by the next emergency.

what the Atlesian scenes in Witch demonstrate is this: Atlas presses down all around them, at all times. even if the AceOps want to stop policing each other and work as a real team, they can’t right now, because they are now officers in a war, because they’re constantly looked to, because they’re part of an infinitely greater machine that demands their service. and right now lasts forever--you will NEVER have time to talk out your discontent...

and even if you steal time and perspective like Marrow does (like Emerald has been doing, thief that she is) with Winter, there is no guarantee of any solidarity. what makes their conversation so simultaneously fascinating and frustrating is that there is clearly some level of rapport, or at least recognition. Marrow goes to Winter because Winter’s in charge, but Marrow also goes to Winter because Winter might hear him out...and she does. Winter does what Winter has consistently done when a person seeks her out and earnestly asks to be heard, and responds compassionately. but at the same time, Winter does what Winter has consistently done when a person seeks her out and earnestly asks to be heard: she turns away. in a conversation that is supposed to be about a shared trust between the two of them, Winter cannot bring herself to trust Marrow. the Atlesian system is built out of these hierarchies within hierarchies, distrusts within distrusts (well i guess Barbara had a point after all), and Winter, abused kid that she is, has played this game all her life. so she defaults to rank and duty--what they have to do now--and the conversation goes nowhere. Marrow leaves it as alone and bitterly resigned as when he’d entered it.

so when is this moral inertia gonna go somewhere? IS it going somewhere? well, i’m still holding out hope that the AceOps will get some time to themselves as part of Bomb the Whale, and i’m certain that even if it doesn’t fall into their lap Marrow will eventually demand it. the fact that they still work well together on the field as partners should mean something. the question is, though: what will it take to bring that later to the present?

and at what point does it become too late?

[absolutely-bunbelievable]

Uji & OOC Update

I once again apologize for not responding to the asks I’ve received in any meaningful amount of time. I want to provide an explanation, as well as let anyone (who would like to know) in on a life update. And maybe give a little bit of insight of where Uji comes from, and why he means as much as he does to me.

I will keep the details under the cut, that way those who may not be comfortable reading about the following topics won’t be put in a compromised position, and save space on everyone’s timeline.

That said, I’ll be discussing my experiences with: asthma, disability, and self-image.

I apologize in advance if I come off as scatter-brained or rambling or if things don’t make sense. I don’t usually talk about myself, my life, or put myself out there. This is a first for me, so thank you very much for reading.

I’ve struggled with chronic asthma my entire life. It’s a mix of a number of different types: exercise induced, seasonal, allergy induced... Since I was a child, it’s been incredibly debilitating, to where I’ve lost count of the days being bedridden and frustrated. I feel like I’ve tried every medication, stretch, exercise, diet, and lifestyle change -- just short of living in a bubble -- under the sun at recommendations of my specialist, with varying degrees of success. This, coupled with a deformity at birth (concave chest), has only exacerbated the condition. At worst, my symptoms would persist for two-week spans (sometimes a month depending on the severity); at best, a few days. Thankfully after two decades, I feel like I’ve finally gotten to a place where the latter is more often the case than not.

If nothing else, all that literal downtime has allowed me to fall in love with characters who push past their limits, be it out of compassion or purpose. To immerse myself in stories and animations of heroes and characters who exceed well past their breaking point to prove to themselves or others of what they stand for. I’ve always identified with characters like that... Who have such heavy limitations, such crushing weight to them. Who face seemingly insurmountable odds, yet persevere. It’s fascinating to see how it’s internalized, how they struggle with it. How they make peace with it, find their inner strength, and finally move forward stronger than before.

I’ve always considered myself disabled because of my condition... Though it feels almost wrong or unfair to say, knowing that there are others who suffer significantly more than myself, both visibly and invisibly. But I think to some degree, I understand the struggle of falling short in spite of myself. In spite of wanting more from the body I’ve been given. I’ve always thought I would never be able to live “normally” because of the constant up-and-down that came with this. Some days I still think I can’t. And to be even more painfully honest, I’d never thought I’d make it as far as I have or even accomplish half the things I have due to it. It has been an immensely painful road, but I’m thankful that I have and that I’ve continued to push myself for more. Because anything less than harboring that idea would be an injustice to the heroes of my childhood who’d taught me that limits can be overcome. The path may not be clear, but there is one. Sometimes it’s through force, sometimes through creativity, sometimes through gently making peace.

If nothing else, after so many years, these stories have helped me realize that in spite of my limitations, I can be strong too. That I have things I can be strong for. That others can rely on me. That I can make a story or character for someone who was where I was, and hope that it can give them a similar idea. And for Uji as a character -- I want to portray that feeling. To have someone who is strong in their own right, but can also help be a voice that can help push others and realize strength of themselves as well.

And in my push for more, I’ve decided to take up the hardest thing I’ve ever done: running. Hopefully one day to run a full marathon, but for now, starting at a 5K (3 miles). I’ve been trying to run every weekday. So far, I’m only able to consistently get 2/3 of the way there... but I don’t see it as a failure. I’m improving at my pace. And while that’s unfortunately taken a significant amount of time out of my day, I know that one day I can do it.

From muse and mun, if there’s a limit you’ve hit or a change you’ve wanted to make. For yourself, for others, or just picking up a new skill. Try it! You might fail, and you might even fail a few times. But if you get back up and keep trying you can definitely push past your limit.

Thank you for reading.

[calliecat93]

TMNT 2012 Rewatch Episodes 21-26

Karai’s Vendetta: This one was still really good. 2012’s usage of female characters was… mixed, to put it lightly. But when they got it right, they got it right. April finally getting a spotlight episode, focusing on her growth this far and pitting her against Karai was really good. Their initial interactions, the motorbike chase, and the final showdown where April is hopelessly outmatched but keeps trying anyways is really good. It’s why I love April so much, the girl just doesn’t ever quit. We also see how far Karai’s now willing to go as well as some foreshadowing on the big reveal. The Turtles plot was also really fun and a good, more light-hearted but still actiony B-Plot to balance the April plot. The only real downside is April being confined to the sewer which would be great… if it didn’t come right at the end lf the season and leave zero time to explore as a result. But that’s not an issue for the episode itself. So far April is still my favorite character, and rewatching this just reminds me of why I love her so much. 5/5.

The Pulverizer Returns: Let’s talk about the swapped weapons plot first. As amusing as the subplot is, I think the delivery is sloppy. Splinter comes off as more unreasonable and while the boys are perfectly capable of defending themselves even without them, maybe they should have done this one in the early episodes when the stakes were lower. It would have made their cockiness make more sense too. But the end fight where they have to improvise was still good. The Pulverizer plot is still good. Timothy brought his final fate upon himself and acted utterly foolish, but the Turtles also should have yanked him out before it was too late. Donnie was the only one who wanted to and his lesson on personal responsibility VERY much stuck. He tried his damnest to stop Timothy, but… well, in the end Timothy made his own choice. Again, a total deconstruction of the fanboy sidekick. Being endearing and silly isn’t going to save you if you are inexperienced, act irrationally and foolishly, and thus he paid the price. Regardless of what happens later, S1 delivered the message hard. So while the subplot is entertaining yet misplaced, the episode did what it needed to do and even has some minor plot progression for the finale. A good follow-up to The Pulverizer. 4/5.

Parasitica: This episode is by far the creepiest of the entire season. The entire concept of wasps that brainwash you and their babies eating you is horrifying. Not too terribly uncommon in the animal word admittedly but still! Later episode tap into thr horror theme a little too much to varying degrees of success, but it worked well in here. It’s confined to mainly the lair, Splinter’s not around, and the tension and build-up is very well done. And in the end Mikey saves the day, managing to overcome his focus issues while fighting off the wasp infection to finish the antidote. It actually does for Donnie and Mikey what I think Mousers Attack should have done haha. Overall while filler it’s a good episode, though if you’re afraid of wasps, may he best to skip this one. 4/5.

Operation: Break-Out: I still like the episode, but I’m more mixed on it. I’ll elaborate more in the full-length review, but tbh I wonder if having Mr. O’Neil rescued or carrying it into S2 would have been better just considering what happens in S2. But that’s for later. It feels like Raph calling out Donnie on his crush on April is somewhat warranted considering how Donnie can border creepy and yeah at this point his chances are hopeless. But the way he did it, insulting Donnie and his feelings and humiliating him in front of April, was certainly more dickish than it needed to be and NOT the way to adress it. Hence why Donnie goes solo in order to prove Raph wrong, which tbf he does a fine job until Newtralizer happens. At least Raph made up for it at the end by being the ultimate dork, which again shows how much he’s growing by realizing how hurtful he can be and making it right. April’s little subplot was also nice and continues foreshadowing that will go into both the finale and for S2. As a penultimate episode, it does what it needs to do and sets the stage for the finale. Wasn’t perfect, but for S1 not bad. 4/5.

Showdown P1-2: Here we are. The season finale. The one finale that ended on a happy note, haha… anyways! This was still really good! The Turtles have grown from naive and inexperienced to the lean, mean, green, incredible team that the theme song boasts them to be. We have elements like Metalhead come back, which really helps it feel like everything came full-circle. We ahve huge stakes like the Technodrome, April getting captured to power the thing, and of course the thing we have ALL been waiting for: Splinter and Shredder to finally faceoff. Which the way we have the show adress why Splinter remained in the sewers, which was a BIG complaint while the season was airing, and having it tie into April’s need to do something and have that flaw exploited by the enemy to get both right where they wanted was VERY well done.

The entire Splinter vs Shredder fight… dear Lord I could go all day. Even after all this time it STILL holds up. We also get the big reveal of Karai being Miwa… which mind you most everyone had figured out but knowing the twist doesn’t make it a bad one. The execution and especially Splinter’s reaction especially when Karai gets ready to kill him still made it heavy and heartbreaking. As for the Turtles, they’re all just plain awesome. Although the lesson about self-sacrifice with Leo… it worked for this specific two-parter but… I’ll delve more into it later. But it works here and shows how much Leo’s grown from copying Space Heroes to being well on his way to becoming the leader that he’s meant to be. This is probably the most conclusive finale until S4 (and the Kavaxas Arc if you consider that the finale), but still leaves plenty open with the revelation about Karai and the Foot and Kraang still very much being active. But for now, as far as finales go only The Invasion tops it and we’ll see if that holds up. The heroes earned their victory here and we got a satisfying, action-heavy finale to a great first season~! 5/5 for both parts and same combined~!

Alright, Season One has been rewatched! I’m gonna watch it again while doing S2 for the reviews, which should be going up in May. For now… gosh this rewatch has re-ignited my love for the show. I notice the flaws a lot more, but the same fun energy is still there and it was just as fun as it was back in 2012-13. Will Season 2 hold up? I gues I’ll find out. But it was so great to go through S1 again and remember why I fell in love with this show. No matter what, it was worth it for that~!

[shinygoku]

very intrigued to see what you think of Henry!!! ^v^ (character ask!)

Another day, another Big Green! (The others are Piccolo and Thunderbird 2 lmao)

First impression

"Green ver of that one big creepy dude" (Look, when I was Babby I saw a Gordon picture somewhere that minorly spooked me lmao)

Impression now

Ahh, Henry! In some ways, very much like Duck! Green, long nose, popular with the fans and I'm here like Yeah he's a good fixture of the series lol

Ok well, maybe I should disclaim that he's not one of my favourites, which is partly as I guess it's a bit hard to nail down his personality.

His, for lack of a better term, Illness Arc is fascinating and oddly Real for a series about machinery. Something's genuinely amiss with him, but the lack of a clear cause (at least, to the other engines, who presumably don't know he was built from stolen, incomplete plans and the logical issues that would arise from that) and his frequent complaints turn the other characters off wanting to hear about it, thinking he's exaggerating. Then the Welsh Coal stopgap is found! Then the very next story he has a horrible crash but it was a blessing in disguise because then he's rebuilt as a Black 5 and his health issues are gone forever! (ain't we envious of machines now?) Until Lazy Writer Disease sets in Meta-wise, but more on that later.

I think it's safe to say that it's Entry Level RWS Knowledge to know Awdry's frustrations with the character, and it is kind of hilarious how much he tried to write him out, and iirc Henry wound up with the most appearances and 'his' book has 5 stories instead of the uniform 4 for some reason. But it seems it takes further Lazy Corporate Mandates to actually write him out in BwBa which really sucks and is doing such an iconic lad horribly dirty.

Pictured: Henry as seen by Awdry/Mattel, who are about to just shove him out of the story with varying degrees of success.

Well yeah, for me I can't really settle on an opinion because he never seems to have anything solid after the Rebuild. He's kind of the nicer one out of the Terrible Trio, but sometimes he's as bitchy and obnoxious as Gordon without prompting. He seems to be pretty unlucky and sometimes his misfortunes are self inflicted, but they don't commit to this bit. He gets his (in)famous forest, much to Awdry's chagrin, but it does offer a nice gentler side to him. He also seems to be the main Fast Freight engine, particularly more Fish shipments, but this doesn't really inform his character. He all too often feels like a Spare, Green Gordon who's less full of himself (but still gets boughts of Envy and inflated self importance, like Tenders for Henry), and that's a shame because this nebulous lack of anything concrete seems to be why Bad TatMR Writing diagnosed him with Need Welsh Coal again for quite a long time (dunno if that only changed when Mattel/Brenner came in or not). But then the US dub makes him sound like w--dy all-n and that's the worst treatment of all! I kind of understand the temptation to make him the resident worrier but HUUURGHGHH NOT LIKE THAT

So yeah, the better characterization of him needs to strike a good balance of him being ...I guess a Gentle Giant, who enjoys nature and maybe is a smidge prone to bouts of feeling jealous. Maybe catches the engine version of colds more than the others because the early morning runs in the freezing air? I dunno, I'm trying to combine several traits that have been in Henry but never seemed to stick. But done properly, I could really get behind a nice, faceted character like that~

Favourite moment

It feels a bit mean to say, but it's due to the strength of the episode itself with the fantastic visuals, godly music and shocking drama (with a nice bonus of Correct Head Codes!) that put Flying Kipper at the top of this list!

Another part of this ep, is the beginning where the Driver is saying "Don't tell Gordon, but if you pull this nicely, the Fat Controller may let you pull the Express!". Like, that really squeezes my heart, because his driver is rooting for him, the prospect of a better regarded job is floating there, and knowing what eventually happens, it's like... oof! But in a good way.

...Also I think that must have been something Awdry added after deciding not to kill him off because having that bit and for it to all go up in flames would have made children and me extremely upset and he would have been buried under letters of complaint from angry mothers of the time.

Idea for a story

Other than the overly simple and grimdark "he was in fact killed that day" type coma inducers, I suppose the Two Henries theory being explored could offer some interesting interactions.

Like, what if the Henry who rolls back into The Big Station is instantly accepted and in fact, liked more than og Henry? What if the other engines instead couldn't fully relax around him? Were his memories perfect? Too Perfect?

And what would happen if OG Henry were later discovered... (and in what condition?) Dun Dun Dun dododo Dun!

The thing is, it is hard to really explore this because it's innately such a dark, heavy concept. I don't enjoy the 'Authoritarian Hellscape" lameass interpretation by normies. I like my silly workcom on the rails with warm fuzzies and funny antics, thank you very much!

Unpopular opinion

Some of his faces (even before the worsening first inflicted by Magic Railroad) are pretty weird looking! Maybe cause his forehead is so huge and smooth, but maybe just the odd mouth shapes. I like the variety, but they aren’t what I’d call cute... I find myself thinking ‘Moon Face’ looking at him [even with the lack of craters lmao] and oops I think I missed the weirdest grin of all, but here’s a small sample anyway

Favourite relationship

Not a favourite, per say, but some of the more friction-ish interactions he has with Thomas or Percy are pretty funny. With Thomas’ immortal flippant disregard to viaduct safety, Percy retorting that engines with Proper Funnels do, in fact, need scarves, something Henry wouldn’t know about, and that Henry somehow manages to dismiss Bill and Ben, a feat Gordon needs to take notes from. Even the Something in the Air exchange with Thomas, which isn’t really stellar writing just has a funny lame argument vibe.

For some nice Wholesome interaction, Bear is hands down the winner! Easy pick maybe, and it makes me wonder if Bear’s complete absence in the TVS is part of the downward spiral because he’d offer a lot more Plotlines.... hmmm...!

Favourite headcanon

Other than the universal fandom acceptance that He Digs Nature, Baby is the notion I’ve seen a few times that his “fear” of the rain, or what it would do to his paint, isn’t actually why he stopped in the tunnel, and it had more to do with his mechanical failure and/or him having something of a nervous breakdown. He does come across as something of an ass if you take the episode at face value, but there having a secret deeper meaning is way more interesting 👀

[becomewings]

The Most Beautiful Moment in Life <I’M FINE>

     BTS Universe Story Highlights, pt. 1 / 4

» pt. 2

Introduction

BTS Universe Story, a mobile game published by Netmarble, was released on September 24, 2020. While the majority of the app is essentially a sandbox and engine for users to create their own interactive stories, it also includes official and canon BU content. The first eight segments were introduced between the release date and December 2020, gathered under the title The Most Beautiful Moment in Life <I’M FINE>.

“I’m Fine” is half of the I’m Fine/Save Me ambigram introduced in the Love Yourself era. Notably, all of the BU content available in the game so far falls between events of the webtoon Save Me (also called HYYH0 in its logo) and The Notes 1—chronologically, that is, while bearing in mind that time resets to the morning of 11 April Year 22 whenever SeokJin fails to avert a tragedy among his six friends. I want to assure anyone who is unable to play the game that you are not missing any new, major plot beats from the overall BU narrative. Instead, the stories provide more insight into the motivations and consequences of SeokJin’s decisions in the earlier time loops, as well as more depth to individual characters and their circumstances.

The goal of this guide is to summarize each of the eight stories and highlight noteworthy details, especially if they are not yet present in other BU media. Within each story (which I often refer to as an arc, due to their character-focused nature), episodes must be played successively, but the stories themselves can be played in any order. I will present them over a series of posts in the order they are listed under the <I’M FINE> heading. The Prologue and NamJoon’s arc are free to play; the rest are paid content. Please note that due to the app’s Terms & Conditions, I will not include in-game footage here. The images in this guide are sourced from the official trailers/videos and the live action MVs as appropriate.

Content warning: contains references to death, suicide, suicidal ideation, child abuse, domestic violence, blood, homicide, depression, trauma, PTSD

This guide contains major spoilers and includes references to other BU media

Do not repost, copy, or quote without permission

Game Mechanic

Before diving into the summaries, I would like to address the primary mechanic of the game: the user’s control of character choices at designated moments in the stories. It’s a primary marketing point that the player can influence the progression of the narrative, with a frequent in-app tip also declaring, “stories’ endings can vary depending on your choices.” The latter is not strictly true—and it cannot be true due to the structure of the game. Choices are presented within most (not all) episodes, but each episode is an isolated unit: episode 2 provides the same content regardless of what you choose in episode 1. Since the consequences of your decisions are not cumulative, each episode reaches the same ending, and each decision inevitably rejoins the “main” story path (effectively reducing the script size).

So what is the point of this mechanic? While the system is not nearly as complex as what major platform titles are capable of nowadays (I suspect due in large part to the story creation portion of the game), it does foster a sense of interaction with the narrative that isn’t present in static visual media like comics or film. The episodes with choices also have incentive for replay to discover the impact of changing a character’s dialogue or action. Sometimes the differences between the outcomes are inconsequential, but other times you unearth new details, interactions, or memories that are missing in the other path.

I say this partially in reaction to all of the comments and tweets I read for the game trailers and even Smeraldo Book twitter’s choose-your-own-adventure style teasers with The Notes 2 excerpts released last summer. Many users expressed excitement, through words or memes, about finally being able to give the boys the happy ending they deserved. I don’t fault anyone for wanting that happy ending—I wish for it, too. But no matter what the rather overzealous marketing has claimed, I don’t believe that the canon ending of BU is ever meant to be in the audience’s control. But I do feel that this mechanism fits the BU narrative. It echoes the “countless loops” SeokJin has experienced in an effort to save his friends, the choices he must make at every crossroad, and the butterfly effect those actions have on all of their lives. I think it is reasonable to interpret the simple branching paths in the game as alternatives SeokJin has explored across multiple loops in his struggle to find the “right” way forward. I’d love to hear if you have theories of your own!

Prologue

The prologue is a brief episode introducing SeokJin’s repeated struggle and failure to save his friends. He wakes up yet again in his bed on 11 April Year 22, the beginning of the time loop. After reflecting on the tragedies that keep befalling the others, SeokJin realizes that he has only tried to fix the problems he can see. He wonders: “Have I tried to understand the root of my friends’ misfortunes? How much do I really know about my friends? Maybe I was never brave enough to confront their real scars and the worlds they’ve been living in. But I need to do it. Because it may be the key to saving them all.”

How to Offer a Hand

In this story, SeokJin attempts to prevent NamJoon’s arrest after he gets in a fight with a rude customer at Naeri Gas Station, his place of work. The first episode opens on the night of 11 April Year 22 with NamJoon curling his fists, glaring as crumpled bills lie untouched on the pavement. (The money looks similar to the shot from the I Need U MV.) SeokJin reaches for his shoulder, but NamJoon shrugs him off and strides away to punch the customer who deliberately dropped the bills for him to pick up. The gas station owner runs over at the customer’s furious shouts and orders NamJoon to apologize. He refuses, and police officers soon arrive and charge him with assault. No one listens to SeokJin’s protests that the customer started it first. The man sneers as NamJoon enters the police car. “Do you even have money for a settlement? Hey, you’re done for.” NamJoon is sentenced to prison again, and SeokJin hears glass shattering before the loop resets.

Rising from his bed on the morning of 11 April, SeokJin reflects on his failed efforts so far. He has hit the customer’s car, called for NamJoon in the middle of the incident, and stopped the fight himself, the latter of which caused his friends to avoid him later. The fight has even escalated; the details are unspecified, but the audience is provided an ominous shot of SeokJin speaking to a police officer alone at the scene. NamJoon is not the kind of person who would normally respond to that kind of provocation with his fists. SeokJin realizes that he cannot merely stop the fight but must discover and fix the true cause of it.

With this in mind, SeokJin heads to Naeri Gas Station during the day and tries to engage NamJoon. This is their first time meeting since they both returned to Songju, although SeokJin has experienced it in many loops already. “It’s been a while,” he greets (as he does at the end of the Blood Sweat & Tears Japanese version MV). Before SeokJin can dig deeper in their conversation, NamJoon is called away by his boss. SeokJin enters the small employee break room which serves as NamJoon’s living space when he’s not at the container, hoping to find some clues about his friend’s life. SeokJin locates something bundled in newspapers. If the player chooses to open it, he sees a strange shard of glass inside that may belong to a car or motorcycle headlight. He continues on, finding the book Cosmos by Carl Sagan and a notebook. SeokJin hesitates over the invasion of privacy but decides to read it since he needs all the information that he can gather. The journal entries detail NamJoon’s daily life since returning to Songju: his work at the gas station isn’t too bad despite the occasional rude customer; he purchased a book and hopes to get more in the future; he picked up a second job at a wedding hall to help catch up on bills; his brother NamHyeon got in trouble again, leading to more expenses; and his dad’s health has worsened, with hospital bills after an emergency surgery rising to levels that the family cannot afford. SeokJin knew that NamJoon was the de facto head of household due to his father’s illness but was unaware that it was to this degree. He feels sorry for NamJoon yet is also impressed by his maturity, for NamJoon never writes how difficult his situation is.

NamJoon arrives and asks what SeokJin is doing in the room. If the player chooses to answer “reading” instead of “just sitting there,” SeokJin privately observes that the conversation flows more easily when they talk about books. NamJoon says he must leave and declines when SeokJin offers to wait for him there. SeokJin knocks over a pile of books along with money and receipts as he stands. He thinks it is unusual that NamJoon picks up the books before the money. The books seem to be more than a hobby to NamJoon, holding special meaning. Walking to his car, SeokJin wonders if it is pride or determination not to falter that keeps NamJoon from journaling his grievances. He realizes that money is a constant source of frustration and misery to NamJoon, and that’s why he can’t stomach being insulted over the customer’s dropped money. SeokJin’s new plan is to prevent NamJoon from picking up the money. He also calls Palgok County Hospital and offers to pay the patient bill for NamJoon’s father. Anticipating that NamJoon will be angry if he finds out, SeokJin says the payer is Songho Foundation.

That night, SeokJin returns to the gas station with the excuse that he forgot to fill up earlier. The luxury car arrives with a honk, and NamJoon hurries over to assist. He shakes with anger when the customer drops the money on the ground. “Why aren’t you picking it up? You don’t want it? What’s with that look? Pretty arrogant for a part-timer, aren’t you?” goads the customer. SeokJin intervenes. Whether the player chooses to have him advise NamJoon not to pick it up or to order the customer to pick it up himself, the end result is the same. SeokJin asks the customer, “Why are you harassing a pitiful part-timer?” The customer drives away, and something about NamJoon seems off. His face is expressionless, not mad or humiliated. “SeokJin, you…” He stops. “Never mind. Thank you for your help.” The words sound difficult for him to speak.

SeokJin believes that he has saved NamJoon, although this ending feels sloppy. He continues on in the loop to rescue JungKook and later YoonGi, but uneasiness plagues him. Though he meant to help NamJoon with his actions, SeokJin wonders if he hurt him instead. On 5 May Year 22, he returns to the gas station and follows NamJoon when he leaves work early. NamJoon enters a bookstore, and SeokJin sneaks in after him to watch from afar. He overhears employees talking about NamJoon, worrying that he might dirty the pages of the book he’s perusing. NamJoon is too absorbed in the book to notice one of them calling for his attention. SeokJin recalls a memory from their school days when he found NamJoon reading alone in their classroom hideout: he asked why NamJoon read so diligently, and his friend explained that he found it comforting to empty his thoughts of everything else while focused on the book. In the present, SeokJin wonders how he forgot how much books mean to NamJoon. He sacrifices some of his food and transportation budget to afford them, but they enable him “to endure the weight of the world he’s forced to bear on his shoulders.” After realizing this, SeokJin wants to apologize for carelessly sympathizing with the reality that NamJoon has weathered alone.

The next episode is from NamJoon’s perspective, revealing his excitement over being able to purchase a book for the first time in two months. He wants to buy two but can only afford one. The employee at the register sighs and asks why he leafed through a book he wasn’t going to buy. NamJoon apologizes, and she mutters, “So dirty.” He notices his reflection, clothes worn and smelling of gasoline, and realizes she’s talking about him, not the book. He tries to shake off these depressing thoughts, but he is still not accustomed to this treatment despite experiencing it regularly at work. As NamJoon begins to exit the store, the security alarm goes off. The employees demand to check his bag despite his insistence that he didn’t steal anything. Their certainty of his theft angers him. NamJoon allows them to look through his bag, and they are suspicious of the like-new book in it which he brought from home. One begins to call the police until SeokJin appears, vouching for NamJoon by saying he saw everything. The employees accept that the alarm malfunctioned and excuse their suspicions as a mistake.

Outside, SeokJin asks NamJoon if he is all right. NamJoon is thankful but wonders how SeokJin materialized right when he needed him. “How’d you find me here?” he asks aloud. SeokJin explains that he happened to notice him while walking through the neighborhood. NamJoon wonders if it’s because they said goodbye on a weird note last time. He thanks him and turns to leave. SeokJin calls after him. “I’m sorry. I wanted to apologize. I didn’t mean to upset you that day at the gas station. It was a mistake to have called you pitiful. If my rash actions hurt you, I’m really sorry.” NamJoon accepts his apology, believing it to be sincere, and says that things would have turned out a lot worse if SeokJin had not intervened. Thunder rolls overhead, and NamJoon uses the impending rain as his excuse to depart. He declines SeokJin’s offer of a ride and runs home, feeling his friend’s eyes on him.

Before he can settle down to read at home, NamJoon receives a call from his cheerful mother. She thanks him for paying off the entire hospital bill. NamJoon is perplexed and asks what’s on the receipt, since he didn’t pay it. His mother wants to leave it be, but he insists that they investigate so they don’t get in trouble or sued. She reads that the Songho Foundation is credited as the payer. NamJoon calls the hospital, introducing himself as the guardian for Kim YoungMin, but they can’t transfer him to the administrative department at this time. Disappointed, he looks up the foundation’s website, unable to recall why it sounds familiar. He wonders why a scholarship foundation in the city would get involved with him. Spotting photos of a recent launch ceremony on the site, he recognizes a few people: Songju High School’s principal, the familiar-looking face of the foundation’s chairman, and SeokJin. First, NamJoon forces a laugh, and then it’s difficult for him to breathe. He thinks that SeokJin really had pitied him at that moment. The only thing keeping NamJoon going is the idea of getting through life on his own strength. Why does he have to live like this?

The last episode opens on 5 May back in SeokJin’s perspective. He is confident now that he has saved NamJoon, although it occurs to him that a better alternative may have been to simply pick up the money himself instead of stepping forward. (This decision is enacted in a later loop and depicted in the Euphoria MV.) While reflecting on what comes next to save his other friends, he receives a text from NamJoon. “What’s your account number? I’ll pay you back for the hospital bills. I don’t need your help. I’ll handle my concerns on my own.” Heart sinking, SeokJin wonders how he found out. With a sense of foreboding, he tries calling NamJoon, but no one answers. SeokJin texts him back, pretending that he doesn’t understand, and tells NamJoon to call him. SeokJin’s second attempt connects while he’s gathering his car keys to visit the container. “That’s enough. Just send the account number over text,” NamJoon instructs. SeokJin coaxes him to talk for a moment, and NamJoon asks flatly, “Are you going to apologize again?” SeokJin attempts to salvage the situation, but his friend turns cold when he insists that NamJoon is misunderstanding and that he just wanted to help. “So, why? Why are you helping me?! Yeah, you’re always a good person. You’ve done nothing wrong and I’m the one misunderstanding.” SeokJin apologizes again. NamJoon refuses his request to meet in person. “No, I thought maybe there was a reason for everything you did… But I guess I misconstrued it. I’ll pay you back, so I’d prefer if you stopped contacting me.” Long after the call ends, SeokJin stands holding his phone, feeling that the glass is going to break at any moment. He wants to believe that it’s not over, but hope is slipping through his fingertips.

The episode finishes in NamJoon’s perspective. On 8 May and 9 May, he accepts part-time delivery work and reflects on his three jobs. Whenever he thinks he’s at his breaking point, he focuses on his new goal of returning SeokJin’s money. On 10 May, NamJoon wakes up to his buzzing phone and is called in to work. On a scooter, he passes by a bus stop and notices graffiti. (This is the same bus stop, with matching graffiti, that appears in the Highlight Reel.) Mesmerized, he wonders if it’s TaeHyung’s. As soon as NamJoon looks up, the scooter’s brake fails, and he crashes. The shattered glass on the cold pavement reminds him of the headlight shard and the kid who looked like TaeHyung. (So the piece of glass SeokJin saw in April was really a memento NamJoon retrieved from the scene of the crash in the mountain town, where the delivery boy whom he privately called TaeHyung died. This event is described in NamJoon’s 17 December Year 21 entry in The Notes 1.) NamJoon’s vision grows blurry, and the distant sound of an ambulance doesn’t come any closer.

The arc concludes there, but it obviously marks another reset for SeokJin. It is interesting to note that in this failed loop, NamJoon suffers the same fate that he narrowly avoided in the snowy mountain town before returning to Songju.

Please stay tuned for the next Highlights post featuring JungKook and YoonGi!

[otherluces]

My 2021 Writing Round-Up

Aka The Year of No Writing, Aka The Year of Mostly Half-Assed WIPs

One-shots: 

Start Off With a Band - Streek (Stan/Craig/Tweek) - Rated E - Sometimes it takes a New Year’s Eve party to show you how much things stay the same.Stan and Craig's rivalry never died after high school. Tweek is strangely aroused by this and wants to be the filling in a Stan/Craig sandwich, so he uses their rivalry to get what he wants. Stan and Craig's rivalry never died after high school. Tweek is strangely aroused by this and wants to be the filling in a Stan/Craig sandwich, so he uses their rivalry to get what he wants.

Phase Two - Creek - Rated T - Tweek's grandmother passes away and leaves something for him in her will—her five stone gnome statues that he always stared at when he was a child. Tweek attempts to get rid of the gnome statues to varying degrees of success, putting his grip on reality into question in the process. (It’s a comedy, I swear.)

The Best Man - Bro Cryde with a Creek background - Rated T - Craig and Tweek have decided to spend the week leading up to their wedding apart - no seeing each other, no talking, no texting. They go to their respective Best Man's houses, Tweek to Kenny's and Craig to Clyde's. Clyde takes his job as Best Man very seriously. During an evening of pizza, booze, and videogames, a drunk Craig decided to drunk dial Tweek. However, Clyde is there to prevent him from making a huge mistake.

Never Trust Cute Blonds - Tweek/Kenny - Rated M - Kenny McCormick is a second-year medical student whose busy schedule doesn't leave any time for dating. He does however have time to stop in a grab a coffee every morning. Enter Tweek Tweak, a cute albeit messy new barista who charms his way into Kenny's heart.Meanwhile, strange things have been happening in Kenny's apartment at night.

On-going Fics:

Dumb Boys - Clenny High School AU w/ side Creek and various one-time ships - Rated E - chapter 21 written in 2021, totaling 7,486 words

Fics written in past years for zines but published on AO3 in 2021 (word counts were not included in past years):

Duality - Creek - Rated T - “Those who gaze upon me this night, know this. I am the Demon Lord Tweek, and I shall consume this world as I have countless before! Return to your homes, mortals, and bring the news of my coming!” Weeks had passed since Brother Craig had left to slay the Demon Lord Tweek and there was no word of him. Others thought him dead, but Brother Jimmy knew that he was alive and still in danger. The world was still in imbalance and falling apart around him. He had to do something. Together with a swordsman named Clyde and a druid named Token, the three men venture toward the Demon Lord's tower to save Brother Craig, ignorant of truth they will find within.

The Games We Play - Crenny - Rated E - It all started with detention. Craig just wanted to nap, but Kenny insisted on playing a game. (Written for the Crenny Nation zine as two one shots, presented here as a short chaptered fic.)

WIPs:

So I started a bunch of stuff and didn’t write a whole ton in each one. ^^() I’m not including these in the word count for the year. I started:

1. A draft for a sequel to “Is This What a Committed Relationship Looks Like?”

 2. Creek one-shot where they’re married and looking for something to spice up their married routine (spoiler: it’s bdsm). 

3. A Creekovan smut fic where a newly divorced Clyde stays with married Creek for a while and Craig and Tweek want a piece.

4. A fic about Clyde about to bottom to Kenny for the first time and he’s concerned about how to prep for such an activity. (A WIP strictly done because of the title I thought up: “It’s Just Dick, Not a Colonoscopy”.)

5. A Clenny smut fic inspired by Lil Nas X’s Call Me By Your Name.

Total words written in 2021 (not including WIPs): 48,753

(Total words from 2020: 82,776, and from 2019: 53,901)