#I should still probably stop eating it
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the nice thing about being back on my ketamine treatments is that I can bargain with myself re: takeout by being like "OH NO, GETTING INDIAN CURRY IS A MEDICAL NECESSITY..."
it cleans out your sinuses real nice, which is helpful before taking a medication nasally lmao.
anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that chicken makhani should be covered by my health insurance.
#just me#that said it fucking ruined my life when I realized that the reason I always get sick after eating samosas#was because a small amount of powdered mango is in the chaat masala#mango being something I am extremely allergic to#I guess it was a small enough amount that it just made my stomach hurt instead of making my throat swell but#I should still probably stop eating it#protip: 'amchoor/amchur' is powdered green mango ;;
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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gauging how much my coworker wants me to infodump about this movie over our banana pancakes and scrambled eggs
#hes the only other movie guy here lol. one of the other coworkers i get along w kinda is but not as much as this guy#every now and again if the kitchen makes a good friday breakfast i go upstairs and have some and if hes there we movie talk#and today was like whoa hold on i should probably stop myself before i speak at length about the cinerama process#he said he's gonna look into the movie (yay) but its anyones guess when that will happen (oh well)#i have to tell everyone about my favorite only recently restored in beautiful technicolor 60s fantasy movie. but anyway#im still not a banana fan so the pancakes were just ok. such is life#this guy eats his food in like the fastest way possible so our movie conversations are always short rip#and then when he leaves im sitting in awkward silence w a couple of the other coworkers i dont know so well#but this is it my last day before two weeks off sayonara you weeaboo shits#vacation time........ finally
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me: there's cinnamon in the tea? ugh I don't like cinnamon in tea.
"you're so picky. you have to go to an unfamiliar house, so what're you gonna do if your mother-in-law likes cinnamon in tea? don't have such preferences. it's not attractive on a girl 😄"
yeah I'm busting my ass off and greying my hair and losing weight at an unhealthy rate for my degree so that a lady who I have never met in my life can dictate my life choices before I even meet her. okay.
#just because you're in an unhappy marriage doesn't mean everyone has to suffer for marriage#this probably isnt relatable but i hope people understand why sometimes i writethe shit i do#in twisted but tender the conversation reader has her mom after childe'e visit was a real conversation i had#and then they ask why i dont like the motherland#like yeah. okay. i suffered for 7 years to get into a top 30 university and am still suffering for an engineering degreefrom there just so-#-that random women who didnt even bother to read a book in their entire life because their sole purpose was to get married can tell me what-#-i should and shouldnt be doing and shame me for wanting to live for myself and not some man and his mother whom i have never met in my life#this is why i like war criminals and mentally ill and traumatised men#yeah he'd lock me up in his basement or something but at least he'd LIKE me and not treat me like a maid like the rest of you#good god man get a life and stop ruining mine#this wasnt the only thing she said#she continued to talk about how im too independent and should be eating everything and cooking everything because i wont know what my-#-mother in law and husband would like so i should be trained and not fail in that#i would love to cook for my husband and feed him and take care of him but when u shove it into my face like that I'd rather not marry at all#delete later#20k aventurine fic might take some time#sorry for the delay guys#zuri rambles
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yeah this cannot go on i need to take something like my chest is exploding i can't calm down it's 7am i feel insane insane insaneeeee
#though I HAVE successfully testing that ldn gives me an insane amount of (anxious) energy when i'm on a 3-4mg dose but then i get foggy and#empty at 4-5mg i think#i'm not sure if i should go down to like 2 or try to find the window between#i wish i just had like. a year to get meds right and heallllll so badly#but i can't afford going all the way down and having more relapses#i feel like i'm having aheart attack rn it's so bad it's so acutely painful#and it's so weird bc it's so empty#too like last month i was so full of everything and especially uh attachment fear but now it's just like pain empty screaming pain#i think it's the not eating food enough thing#i mean I DID eat MANY crackers today. rolls eyes#not enough hhh#i know theres so much i have to get done but like ic annot do anything i can't even message anyone i can't i need to get sedated#i don't know if i should try having MORE ldn or ritalin (probably not bc it doesn't sedate me like adderall)#or just hydroxyzine or muscle relaxers#hydroxyzine is looking like the most likely option#bc i still associate muscle relaxers too much with trauma i can't take them they scare me#i feel like i'm dying#i don't think you guys get how fast i'm typing rn like i am going fucking insane if i die of a heart attack for real it would suck huh#no i KNOW this is panic i KNOWWWW i'm panicking but i also feel like i'm going to throw up and die forever it's so bad i feel so so bad lik#i don't think people get how bad everything is i need it to all calm down and stop i need it to get better i am not okay holy shit#you know what everything in my life might not feel fixable and i am letting all my professors down but I can probably take incompletes wors#comes to worst i need to take hydroxzyine sleep and then cave and buy some food tomorrow#like what's happening now i#there FEELS like there's a SHAARP HOOOK in my CHEST IMAPLING ME#if i sedate myself enough i might be able to communicate with people for real instead of burrowing my head into the ground forever and ever#yeah okay i'm taking hydroxzyine#i feel like the problem with antihistamines now after last year is [redcated]#trying to convinc emyself this is not a suicide attempt or self harm i just need to calm down hahahahafih;aeifahe;wifahewifae#that's what they're PRESCRIBED for#i think i want benadryl instead though bc it's shorter and it also makes me head clearer i wonder if i have any i think it's not here thoug
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The way Saejima has such a calm, soothing domestic streak to his personality is one of my very favourite things about him.
#like reading his rggo stories have endeared me even more#He befriends little cats and he visits Yasuko's grave and cleans it up and loves to eat out at food places#majima was right to cut him from the gang#Saejima should live somewhere quiet and warm and teach a woodworking class for free to kids#and have majima bouncing off the walls in the bg#like he just should. he suits it#i also like that the 25 yrs he spent in jail actually impacts him#like they never reslly have kiryu be deeply like Wow i lost a decade and it affected me#even though Im absolutely certain it did and plays into why he is why he is once he gets out#but this post aint about kiryu#like he seems to really appreciate people and his relationships#he goes back to thank Okudera once he gets out of jail- I firmly believe he'll probably continue to visit the village once a year or so#for okudera but for the other people too- like the lady who helped him out frequently (i think she had a tiny crush lmao)#like he stops in for a couple days and helps out#He still calls up Kido and they get a bite and have a drink#he was alone for so long so him actually really trying and caring about the lil friendships he builds is so 💖🥺#As soon as Baba finishes his sentence I know bro gonna be at the gate and Babas gonna burst into tears about it#ough I just appreciate him 🥺
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Wonderful news, after a month of flossing almost every day, my gums are finally no longer bleeding every time I floss!! 😃
#speculation nation#which online says it should only take a week or two. but! i have gingivitis.#so a month is kinda expected BUT ALSO im genuinely happy that i do seem to be making progress#i hate flossing. but my dentist was like 'if you dont improve your dental habits you Will be losing teeth'#so like okayyyyyy ive been flossing most days and i got a tooth paste for shitty gums and ive been using a fluoride rinse#and the gum pockets aka how deep my gums go next to my teeth are still pretty deep#but stopping bleeding when i floss is the first sign of improvement. i will get healthier gums!!!#just need to keep the habit up. i swear i will show up to my next dentist appointment and get such a good grade#they'll congratulate me and tell me i did such a good job and then probably give me invisalign. and/or a tooth cap lol#both are things they mentioned at the last appointment. for things to do after i improved my gum health.#tooth cap for my tooth that is like a third just filling. bc i broke the tooth years back eating a sour patch kid lol#one of my molars. one of the four prong things just done broke off. prong is the wrong word but ya kno#anyways i have marvelously terrible dental health despite having been pretty good about brushing for a few years now#such is my lot in life. it's genetics. oh well it's getting better and that's what matters.
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the current (and consistent) mood is “my presence is unnecessary and contributes nothing”
#deity dialogue#so like on that note I just don’t know what to do#I feel like I need to be realistic about my place in peoples lives and just idk stop assuming people care#*shrug emoji* like I’m tired of being hurt by stupid shit that doesn’t matter#I just don’t feel like it matters whether or not I exist in anyone’s life or in general#I keep trying to tell myself that isn’t true or tell myself that it’s okay but nothing works#sometimes I do genuinely think maybe people do care and want me in their lives#then I realize I’m just bothering them and not like worth their time and it stings because I genuinely want to be wnated by people#anyways my head still hurts and i have a bday dinner to attend tomorrow so once again I’m taking sleep medicine#getting my fave depression snack tomorrow: tiramisu#perhaps I can opt out of dinner and get TWO tiramisu#but probably not I should probably eat actual food lest my irls get on my case about not eating
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a boye whom'st loves to attack paper balls
#cats#nhgnhmmm.. yommy... paper favorite food#(I do not actually let him eat paper)#ALSO I'm still working on doing the poll adventure thing I've just had a lot going on. as usual. It's actually harder than#I initially thought to regularly find time to do a quick ms paint sketch and a small writing blurb#it's like even though it doesn't take extremely long it's still one of those things that is hard to carve out a little portion of the day#to do if your day is set up in a way not conducive to portion carving#BUT .. at least I have posted many drafts#as usual.. my style of like.. post nothing for 3 weeks then randomly post 25 things at once#NO idea why my brain works that way. it just does. it's easier#even though I know it's worse in terms of like. social media#the algorithms in most places prefer consistent steady uploads over time. not jarringly wavering between absence and hyper presence#then absence again. but .. alas...#Good to clear out a few drafts once in a while anyway. And I do really want to get back to scullptures and costumes. I stopped as much for#a while due to the pandemic (can't go to the bins anymore to get new supplies for costumes and stuff) as well as my worsened#health things/lack of energy and also my chest injury (so repetitive movements with my arms such as sitting in the same#position sculpting for 4 hours or changing clothes multiple times in quick succession etc. could flare it up) but obviously#none of those things are going to get better any time soon. so I should probably just try to do it here and there anyway. It's still not#safe to go to the bins. still having muscle problems. still low energy. But I could make it work maybe. I just feel bad having gotten out#of the habit when it is really fun stuff that I enjoy. Some things just get more difficult for me over time#But even like 3 sculptures and 10 costumes a year is better than 0 of any of those things. So. eh#I'm also just trying to clear out pictures still. My spring cleaning (which I do at the start of every new year instead of actual spring)#was kind of delayed this year due to me feeling sick and everything so even late into april I'm still working on the side at like orgnazing#all of the files on my computer. deleting things and backing up whatever I want to keep. clearing out photos.#editing and drafting (and maybe one day posting) old stuff form a while ago. etc. etc.#So any progress is good progress. I suppose.#ANYWAY.... a son... he gets very excited everytime he hears anyone anywhere crinkle up a piece of paper
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taylor idk who chappell roan is i think that makes me disqualified from being queer forever (←sapphic girl)
She's a musical artist! She's pretty up-and-coming right now and is seen as a wlw queer icon in the music industry, but I've never been able to get into her music even though tons of other sapphics love it. I probably just haven't given it enough of a chance. Casual is a good song though!
#big ol' personal opinions disclaimer down here in the tags. also lisia this is soooo unrelated to your question sorry lol#i also kind of hate a very specific subset of chapelle fans and i can't listen to her without thinking of them dkjfsdkjfnkdsf#which is a really stupid reason to not listen to her music and i know it but alas brains work in weird ways#i don't judge her by her fans! but i just have that tainted association. like how sometimes you feel ill after eating something#and even if that didn't cause you to be sick- you still refuse to eat it afterwards? it's like that#it's not her. she did literally nothing wrong. it's just an unfortunate little brain link that i can't get rid of#saw a couple of fans talking about toxic bisexuals and their 'inferiority complex' and that put me off of her music as a whole tbh#in regards to debates about her sexuality#one was talking about how bisexuals 'marry the patriarchy'.#quote-'bisexuals have freddy mercury. that alone is all you need' :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) i'm going to bite someone.#it's like these few specific fans were tailor made to put me off of her#unfortunately i have not gotten past that yet but if i ever can undo that brain association and enjoy her music i will let yall know ksdjks#unfortunately as of right now i am programmed to see her name and think of the (probably very few) jackasses in her fandom#just kinda made me feel unwelcome when i was trying out her music a bit more sadly#it was never her as an artist or a person. just a few idiots but it was enough#idk. i should try again though. chapelle fans. which songs should i try to start again with?#anyways i should probably stop swinging the bat at the biphobia nest lest it come back to bite me but dkjfdksjf yeah tldr she's a musician#a very talented one! just one that i cannot enjoy quite yet. i hope i can kinda defrost about it though
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:/
#still havent eaten#anytime i think i should eat rn im hit with the thought of 'im not worth the effort it takes to live'#i mean i already knew im not worth talking to and im not worth being friends with so sure why not add not worth survival to the list#im certain noone would notice if i just stopped#im so tired im so tired of my brain being evil and mean and nasty to me#im not worth the space i take up#yallre probably better off just forgetting about me#:/
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I love having crazy beef with my former collegiate sport team I quit like I see one post and immediately say words I should be put down for.
#lee’s bullshit#like beyond the toxicity and the eating disorder culture the insane conservatism and the misogyny and the alcoholism and hazing#and the cliques and the overworking and constant travel and horrible coaching staff who didn’t stop any of that#and the complete disregard for the health and safety of your team INCLUDING PEOPLE WHO GOT SURGERY FOR THEIR INJURIES !!!#you are also simply assholes who have insane petty beef and probably shared stds. which most of u deserve.#I hope u all as a collective fall just short of success for your entire sports career. glad that man did not qualify for the Olympics. etc.#I actually am upset to this day I quit tho bc I love my sport sm I just cannot do it w that team#and because of the injury I got while there. that I was never subbed out for despite asking. so it got worse.#also how could I forget the girl who said to my face dating women is disgusting thanks girl <33 not like I told yall I was bi or anything#just disappointing yk#I do still have friends there but I’ll probably never be able to go back :/ too out of shape now + I’d prob get reinjured tbh#anyway. i REALLY should go to bed. I’m just complaining <33 I miss my sport :(
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yeah i can't come to class today, sorry. yeah. yeah. it's cause my hair's too long. mhm. gonna put me out of commission til the weekend at least
#fuck it's too long it's too long it's too long hate hate hate hate hate kill kill kill#i am resisting the urge to cut it all off with scissors but just barely#i havent been able to go home lately and my clippers are there. fUCKK#ITS TOO LONG SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE#i cant stop thinking about shaving my head again or at least cutting it short#it's summer i should have short hair summer is for short hair FUCKK THIS IS WEIRD#i feel like a sad stonermetal mushroom. in middle school. and NOT in a cool way if that wasnt clear!!#hhhhhhhhgnnnghfhn fuckk i feel so gross and weird#i didnt even do anything why are my spoons gone FUCKK. SHITITTTUJ DAMMIT#this is so dumb i literally skipped my second class for no reason and i have so mucj work but i didnt even do anything#i shoudktn be this out ofnit. euhhhhhghh#and i have a new friend and he really really wants to hang out and i dont hav.e the spoons#but i feel so bad.. and i have other ppl i wanna hang out with but i cant bring nyself to readh out#and even if they reached ouy i probably wouldnt be able to respond and i have to go see a show thid week too#bc theyre doing into the woods and i love that shit and i promised id go ans ive been lookign forward to it for months#but i cant. bwuhhhhhhhhghhhh#and i cant just tell the new friend i don't wanna hang out twice this week (one is the play) bc i blew him off all last week#i really dont wanna hurt his feelings but i really can't communicate like he wants me to. and ive kinda said that but still#mmmmmmnnnnuguhghh hes only doing it bc i mean a lot to him but it's moving so fast ans I can't really be there forbhim the way he probably#deserves.. i should probably eat skmething idk. eughhhhhhhhgghhghhggh. melting into a pile of slop and slurry rn#just gonna sink into my bed and not sleep and feel bad. hoorayy
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I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#I went downstairs to get food but ended up having to wait longer than anticipated which is whatever#but then that meant I ended up sitting down and once we sit down it's like our brain stops being able to process that we can leave#I'll sit there the whole time going ''I need to get up and go back upstairs. I don't want to be sat here'' and just can't get up#I hate that this happens because while I know our executive dysfunction isn't our fault#and it's the exact same issue that stops us eating or drinking or going to the toilet or whatever when we need to#I still feel like I should be able to just get up and do the thing and just leave if I'm in a situation that I don't want to be in#and it's so hard to get other people to understand that I can't ''just leave'' because my brain just won't let that happen#like I want to but my brain won't register it as an actual thing I can do and it feels more like a weird abstract concept#than a thing I could actually do. it's like my brain can't connect the concept of the action to the act of doing it#and then I get frustrated because why can't I just do the thing that I know I should be able to do#and then I've spent hours not doing anything I meant to and mostly just feel like shit because of it and it keeps happening#and now I need to lay down and I know what's likely to happen if I do that#but I do need to listen to my body especially after getting stuck in a situation that makes our pain and fatigue worse#also we had to take pain meds earlier and that's definitely not helping with us feeling shit emotionally about all this#I hate having to navigate our brain and body just not functioning properly#I feel like we've had so little energy lately and it's reminding me too much of this time last year when we had that blood infection#I'm terrified of that happening again because we almost didn't get treatment because we started to assume it was just our new baseline#hmm apparently within like 5 minutes we've gone from ''ugh I wasted 3 hours'' to almost crying over medical trauma#I probably need to try and do something to calm us down but also I'm too tired to really do anything#which brings me right back to the issue that triggered this whole rant and me getting upset in the first place
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Once again chanting in my mind "graphic card" to avoid snapping at my mother saying dumb shit
#how do you always get to the wrong conclusion of everything oh my godddddd#yeah yeah a lot is wrong with doctors like a fucking lot I'm well aware I've suffered huge amount of pains for years for that#but she says it from a novax point of view so she's still wrong by saying the right thing and it annoys me so much!#obviously she's too fucking fatphobic to see how that is one of the biggest issues in medicine#fun fact my father is not taking meds to heal from something that could actually kill him because it stops him from eating#that's apparently okay but vaccines aren't#someone should study their brains under a microscope#also my father problem was probably caused by the extreme diet he did that was mostly starvation#at least i feel better about myself#sometimes i get very depressed about all the things I'll never be able to do because i fucked my wrist at 18 but at least i did that#crocheting#he completely destroyed his health to lose weight#also even more fun thing he wanted to lose weight for reasons that didn't have anything to do with the weight he probably just can't eat#grains#he got better as soon as he stopped eating normal pasta and switched to the fake ones made with rice and stuff#they didn't connect the dot#but the second i thin person started to have issues breathing#that are definitely side effects of covid btw#grains were immediately blamed#god i shouldn't get into these rants because i just get mad at their stupidity AND I NEED TO STAY CALM FOR THE GRAPHIC CARD#and especially not build enough represed rage about it to risk trying to choke my mother the next time she says it's fine i lost all that#weight#sure it's fine losing weight because of illness and depression is fucking wonderful#i have to fight with myself most days to eat enough but sure that's fine I'm staying thin!
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i have like a for real mint allergy bc it makes my mouth red and itchy but it also makes me sneeze and i thought for the longest time it was normal like, pepper making you sneeze. and then i found out none of my friends sneezed at peppermint. and then realized i was allergic to peppermint
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