#which brings me right back to the issue that triggered this whole rant and me getting upset in the first place

[thethingything]

I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again

[ninainthetardis]

⚠️⚠️⚠️ HoFaS spoilers ⚠️⚠️⚠️

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Be warned, this is going to be a rant.

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Ok, the HoFaS crossover was supposed to be exciting, but it ended up being another trigger topic for me thanks to the obnoxious N.esta stans who never hold her accountable for her wrong choices and always pick on the characters who stand up to her/call her out on her crap.

The thing is, I didn't even dislike her in this crossover, but I swear the moment her stans open their mouth, I go straight back to hating her. I don't even know how it is possible to be so clouded that they can't see/recognise when she's wrong or the hurt she causes/her actions may cause to other people. How they can always defend her without considering any other perspective/logic and proceed with the slander of any character that does not share her ideas or approve of her actions. Or how they demand respect for her trauma while ignoring/invalidating the one she inflicted to others.

The point in this case is: giving Bryce the mask WAS a dumb, rushed, risky choice. Stop ranting and insulting Rhys for his reaction, he was bloody RIGHT (also, Azriel was on that line too, why isn't he an asshole too?). I thought that immediately, even before reading the bonus chapter. You're even bashing Cassian for not defending her, as if she wasn't gambling with everyone's life because she somewhat liked Bryce and understood her desperate situation. Which could be admirable if it wasn't a lot hypocritical of her, considering that she barely moved a finger to help win their war against Hybern. And about that: isn't it time to wake up? It was Elain to end the King, N/esta just cut his head off once the hard part was done. And on top of that, both her and Cassian would be as good as dead without Elain's intervention. But why am I even bothering to talk about this...

And by the way, to those hating on Cassian, now here's a flash news: you do not have to defend your partner if you think they are wrong. It doesn't mean you don't love them, acting like the significat other is always right is not how support looks like. And N.esta can clearly speak for herself, maybe even too much, and with too much entitlement. You don't want to respond of your actions to Feyre and Rhys? Well, fucking leave the Night Court already! They're its rulers!!!

And Bryce's mom was the other one being totally out of line and acting entitled tbh and quite rude. I mean, you are in another world, in which your daughter made mess after mess, with people you need something from whether you like it or not, people you don't know and you talk that way? Not every bloody Fae is the Autumn King or the Avallen King! Someone really has to tell her AND Bryce, given that she passed that bias toward the entirety of the species to her. Generalisation is always wrong. And also, you know, it's a matter of good manners, and that issue was really none of her goddamn business. She could've spoken on N/esta's behalf using different tones, and it would have been a lot different.

Now, let's get back at the mask thing.

Honestly, I get that I was supposed to root for Bryce in this one, but she made it quite difficult for me when all she did in Prythian was putting that world in a danger she was very aware of. Like freeing an Asteri on Prythian soil, as if Vesperus would ever tell Bryce how to kill her own species. I get she was desperate, but it was just dumb and egoistic of her to do that, to risk to bring the same evil that plagues her world into another one, especially when there was no guarantee (quite the opposite actually) that by doing that she'd get the answers she was looking for.

Bryce had no reason to trust them, and they had no reason to trust her as well. Had Bryce failed, the consequences of giving her the mask would have been catastrophic. And I am not even going to mention Nyx's safety as a reason for Rhys to be pissed at N/esta. Rhysand and Feyre are responsible for the whole Night Court. And in this case, the whole of Prythian, AGAIN. There is a reason if they're the ones in charge, position that actually includes putting your people first and being able to make hard choices, even if they are morally grey choices, to protect their people. N.esta doesn't have such responsibility, and thankfully so because she would be terrible in that position. Moreover, they've just come out of a war, for Rhysand it was the second war he fought and after 50 years of UTM... but of course, why would N.esta care? She was somewhere safe almost the entirety of the time while Feyre - who died to save the very same world N.esta was endangering with her choice - was out fighting for everyone's safety. I am honestly shocked by how people refuse to even consider Rhysand's perspective, at least on this one. As if he knew Bryce and what she was capable of (and as if the whole resolution in CC wasn't due to pure luck, anyway) and have the slightest idea she might succeed. Also, Bryce had 10 other ways to manage the whole situation differently. Had she cooperated a little instead of proving to be a loose cannon, she might have had the chance to actually GET their help without having to take it by stealing and endangering Prythian. Trust goes both ways. They could have found a common ground or made a deal that ensured Prythian's safety and at the same time help Lunathion. Rhys and Feyre are sensitive to people who are suffering and would do something about it. There was no need to endanger Prythian in the process. But 1. They would've stolen the show and 2. Bryce's the one who left Baxian and Fury in Avallen or didn't think of calling Jesiba during the final battle against the Asteri, why would she think that someone as powerful as Rhysand and as knowning as Amren could be helpful anyway 🙄 her "Aelin wanna be" era failed miserably because she actually didn't have the skills, the drive, the strategic thinking and the experience to be like her, despite the efforts. But Bryce is a topic for another day.

This is my tea for today. It's been a year I'm part of this fandom and I've tried so hard not to rant/write about acotar just to avoid the toxic part of this fandom, but hey, patience has its limits, this is still my space and seeing all that "everyone" slander from the pro N.esta for no logical reason really got on my last nerve at this point.

[neptune-ian]

Okay, I read this anons rant and I really feel like I have to say something here. I don’t mean to be rude but this is honestly not acceptable. Firstly it is not for you to decide what is appropriate for other women to wear, and if they want to look sexy it is their right and that description of “clothes that look like they would fit a child or a small dog” to me sounds purely like internalized mysogyny on your part. Sure men have preferences when it comes to looks but the fact that you think the only way a woman is worthy of love is by wearing skimpy clothes is just a projection of your own low self worth. Secondly, I do not see why you feel like you have to “make yourself” like certain things that other women like, you can follow your own passions and that is where your divinity will shine through. Again, thinking you have to be “cutesy kawaii” and fake or whatever to get men’s attention shows me you don’t truly see anything else in yourself you could deem as valuable or lovable. And you also don’t need to own any luxuries either, that is not what determines our value as humans.

Just because you’ve never been asked out does not mean you have no value, and seeking that validation from the outside world will not bring you far. To answer your question, the reason other girls don’t feel the pressure to “be all that” is because they’ve worked on loving themselves and realizing their value which comes from the simple fact that they’re human and every human deserves love periodt. Now of course, if you want to be with someone who is the whole package (beautiful, accomplished, mature etc.) then yes, you should also work on yourself to match them energetically, however that totally depends on how much you’re willing to work on becoming your best version.

Lastly, there is nothing wrong with girls dressing up fancy every day it they want to. The difference between you and them is that they value themselves a lot and want to put more effort into themselves because they KNOW they are worth all that, and that is how they’re going to show up in the world. Personally, this was the greatest blessing for me. Once I started putting effort into myself, I glew up immensely and was able to connect to my femininity like never before. The only issue I see here is you seem bitter that other girls value themselves more than you value yourself. If you feel like you’re worth only 5 minutes of effort a day that is entirely your problem, but it doesn’t mean other girls are doing anything wrong by doing their best for themselves.

If I could advise you one thing right now it’s not to think about dating but to find a way to truly love yourself and see your value as a human outside of looks and material luxuries. I know that life can be hella tough and it’s not easy to always feel confident in that way but it is something we have to master, as we are divine and we’re just temporarily living in this shell of a body. However, as you put more effort into yourself, you will also naturally glow up on the outside, as your outside appearance will project whatever is on the inside. Again, I don’t mean to be rude but this whole projection onto other women lowkey triggered me so I had to come here and defend my girls. I hope you find your way back to yourself and yea that’s it. Peace.

A GIRL’S GIRLS!!! I LOVE YOU ANON 🙂‍↕️😌

Thank you! No one should put down others just to feel bettet and justify their misery. Either you work on yourself and improve or you stagnate and that’s on you to stay bitter and sad in your own sorrow. But you know we can’t help someone who refuses to get it so~I belive they will learn their lessons in the hard way 🙂‍↕️😊

[something-about-sunflowers]

No tags and a read-more cause I’m complaining about some dumb shit

Does it need to go into the tag? I made a similar post (albeit with a different flavor) about taking issue with people assuming gender interpretations of characters a while back but I also fully acknowledged that it was a ‘me’ problem and kept it out of the tags. AND kept it under a read-more since it was a long post (handy if you’re gonna go for the tl;dr AND the full long explanation in the same post, put the long bit under a read-more please).

Like. Okay, yeah, its shitty that people are tagging you with things that are giving you dysphoria, that’s not cool, and maybe we could get better about tagging it (though that idea does squick me a bit considering its touching a little on ‘can you tag [a literal queer identity] because that triggers me’ which. not like. super great?) but bringing it to the tag to complain about is just gonna make those of us that DO find gender euphoria in seeing Izzy as trans masc feel shitty about it.

Like, maybe just try blocking those of us who post about it? That’s what I do with trans fem Ed people, cause its not their problem its mine.

Also there’s nothing wrong with Con playing Izzy when trans Izzy is a HEADCANON. Its not canon, none of us are saying its canon, Con isn’t saying its canon when he shows his support for it. There’s no issue with him playing a trans man on tv because he ISN’T playing a trans man on tv.

Nobody IS saying every trans man is into a trans masc Izzy. We make jokes about how WE forget he’s cis because WE trans him so often but those jokes literally hinge on us knowing that OTHER people don’t always headcanon him as trans? You could have made this post 3000% less confrontational by just asking people not to tag you in those headcanons because it makes you dysphoric, all this extra stuff is just gonna make other people feel bad about how THEY identify with the character.

As for the whole uh. Wildly off-topic rant at the end there about menopause uh. Well.

1. While it might benefit trans dudes to look into how their body will change as they get older that’s not really something you go to fanfic for.

2. This is fanfic of a show where getting literally run-through on the left side of your body is a walk-off-able injury because ‘all the important bits are on the right’, nobody is really shooting for medical accuracy. We’re letting Roach chop titties off as a safe and sane form of top surgery. With a meat cleaver.

3. Fanfic is not sex ed. Fanfic is not sex ed. Fanfic is not sex ed. Its all well and good to say ‘I prefer the sex in my fic to be more realistic’ but not everybody wants that and not everybody enjoys that. Boat (lol) loads of lube is a fine thing to prefer/ask for but sometimes its just REALLY HOT if the pussy is 'making puddles’ all on its own accord.

[eulangelo]

callout for @genderfluidlucifer

google docs

tw for transmisogyny + TERFs + emotional manipulation

Transmisogyny

Lucifer is a huge transmisogynist who will complain 24/7 about how TERFs hurt the ace community, but the moment @randomclustermissile , a trans girl (who is not an exclusionist at all) tries to point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles (in the most vague and general way possible, without pointing fingers nor calling anyone names) Lucifer will immediatly jump to block her and so they did with me (another inclusionist) and i have to suppose to everyone else who agreed with that post, even arriving to vagueing about us in private group chats to suggest that we were “sympathizing with exclusionists”. all because we dared point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles. lucifer is TME but apparently they think they’re the authority on TERFs and their talking points but actual trans women are not, according to them, since this is the stuff that they would go and spew to other people. (screenshots from @enbyoctoling​)

here’s more examples of Lucifer (again, a transmasc person) going deep in detail about how according to them, TERFs/SWERFs hate aro/ace people and are an active threat to us

1. link

[Image ID: Three screenshots of a post by Genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot is of a paragraph that reads, "Hey. So I can actually answer this. Anon your commentary about how you thought terfs would approve of sex repulsed aces is sort of it. Except...not. Basically terfs hate ace people for not wanting sex in the approved by terfs way. Terfs are actually extremely interested in [forcing] amatonormativity onto everyone. Because for as sex negative as terfs are...they don't want to actually acknowledge or change the fact that amatonormativity is at the root cause of rape culture and misogyny."

The second screenshot is a zoomed in section of the post that reads, "So yeah no I have NO idea where exclus allies are getting this idea from that terfs would even remotely care about the sexual rights of ace people. Terfs generally hate any sexualities in the LGBTQ+ acronym that aren't LGB because they can't force a gender binary onto those sexualities. At least, not as easily. That's why it's actually a massive sign of someone who doesn't call themselves a terf being a crypto terf if they use the term LGB in a positive manner. Along with the term SGA, as it is deliberately exclusive of nonbinary and not inherently SGA centric queer-aligned sexualities. /END ID]

link to the full post, these are just excerpts but the whole thing is just a very long rant about how TERFs hate ace people and so on (i think it’s worth noticing that although the actual post is kinda long, trans women are never once brought op in a conversation about TERFs issues and the only time transmisogyny is mentioned is not relevant to the conversation)

2. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is nothorses. It reads, "Because apparently I have to say it: Testosterone is not a 'violent' hormone. It doesn't make you 'more aggressive' or a worse person, it doesn't make you 'dangerous,' or 'toxic.' Transmascs do not need to be 'warned of the dangers of T.' We do not need to spend our transitions terrified that we're going to become a danger to those around us - that HRT is going to turn us into a monster.

Everyone experiences mood swings during hormonal shifts (pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, estrogen HRT, etc.) and while you might have grumpy moments or feel anger/frustration that you need to learn to handle differently, that doesn't make you a bad person.

Testosterone can change the way you access/process emotions somewhat, but if you're already thoughtful about how you handle your feelings and treat others, you're going to be fine. It's normal to lash out on occasion, by accident, then apologize and work to do better. It doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone on HRT is prone to this, and everyone experiencing hormonal changes is prone to this.

Getting HRT should be positive and affirming; you should not have to spend your entire transition terrified of becoming a monster."

The post then has a reblog by captainlordauditor that reads, "The big danger of T is that needle ouchy." /END ID]

here’s them reblogging from known transmisogynist user @nothorses (once again, the irony that a post about how testosterone is seen as the "aggressive hormone" does not mention transfem at all which are literally the main victims of this rethoric in the first place)

3. link (1), link (2)

[Image ID: Two screenshots of posts by genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot reads, "Queer exclus: We're not repackaging terf rhetoric! Saying that is transmisogynistic! Also queer exclus: Remove the plus from LGBT!" and has tags that say, "I will pay these people to grow some god damn self awareness. Imagine being this dense. Queer discourse." The post has 15 notes.

The second screenshot reads, "Honestly it is so stupid and frustrating to see ace exclus continue to deny that the ace discourse was started by terfs. Proof was given countless times. And a big name terf like galesofnovember even admitted to starting it. Those of you who demand proof but ignore all of this never wanted proof to begin with." and is tagged with, "ace discourse. The post has 38 notes. /END ID]

heres another two post of theirs conflating TERFs with ace exclusionism

4. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblogged post by furbearingbrick. The original poster is boxlizard, Lucifer's old account. The original post reads, "By the way for people still in denial about it, here's galesofnovember, a terf, admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement. She's taking credit for it. Normally if the victims of this behavior weren't ace/aro or other queer identities y'all be ready to rightfully lynch her. But since it's us, y'all just still wanna stamp your feet and go, 'Nuh uh!' instead of acknowledging facts." The part that says, "admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement" is a link to a galesofnovember post.

There is then a reblogged addition from furbearing brick that reads, "archived versions of the receipts" and has two links to the webarchive. The tags read, "Bringing this back since it's apparently still relevant. Terfism mention. Aphobia mention. Queerphobia mention. Blocklist." and has 1,455 notes. /END ID]

this is their post that ive already talked about but basically they found a 52 notes post made by a TERF in 2012 and this one person said "i dont know why i dont get to be the princess of the anti-ace-brigade" and apparently they are convinced that this means TERFs started the ace exclusionism movement and that this is one of their goals. which is insane when TERFs in real life only care about making life miserable for transfem people first and foremost.

5.link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is yu-gay-fudo. It reads, “Just in case you happen to be unaware, some of the “radfem lite” they post to warm you up to their rhetoric, just off the top of my head:

- Ace/aro exclusionism

- Bi exclusionism or claims that bi people are “less queer” bc of “straight passive privilege”

- Saying you have to be dysphoric to identify as transInvalidating nonbinary people

- Calling queer a slur regardless of context, saying people can’t identify as queer, and saying that it can’t be reclaimed

- “Mogai hell”, “kweer”, or otherwise mocking less common labels and claiming they are “just cishets who want to feel special”

- Excluding sex workers from feminist discussions or claiming that sex work is inherently evil

- Basically anyone who thinks they can determine what other people identify as”. The tags read, "queerphobia tw. twerfs tw. no id." and has 70,727 notes. It was reblogged on March 22nd, 2021 /END ID]

another example of conflating radfems to things that, while wrong, have little to nothing to do with them because being a radfem, again, is something very specific that has all to do with transfem oppression.

Emotional manipulation

Lucifer has done nothing but block, break boundaries, spread lies and vague about people, some of which were even mutuals with them knowing they would see the posts. when confronted about it Lucifer's only answer was "just say you hate me and block me" but they actually ended up blocking everyone first, making it impossible for anyone to set some boundaries with them or even just to calmly confront them about anything.

[proof: Io(popncourse) and Lucifer had a disagreement in a shared discord server, which prompted Lucifer to vague Io in a vent post. Io confronted them, as being vagued is one of buns triggers, to which Lucifer initially agreed to delete the vent post, but then proceeded to victimize themself and immediatly blocked Io. later on, Jude(malewifedeckard) was confronted by Lucifer, then after Jude told them “I’m worried that you’ll vague me just like you did with Io” they proceeded to block Jude and vagued about him too. when Io made a post (which was not a callout, it was just bun setting buns boundaries) explaining what Lucifer did, Lucifer immediatly jumped to victimize themself, acting like they were being called out and straight-up lying, even going so far as to say that no one tried to hear them out, which is a blatant lie if you consider the aforementioned Io and Jude’s attempts at doing so, with Lucifer immediatly blocking and cutting ties with the both of them. ] 

(screenshots taken by @popncourse and @malewifedeckard)

as seen in the proof above Lucifer’s behaviour is not ok because they don’t accept any kind of confrontation and immediatly jump to blocking, and after blocking, they'd immediatly go and vague about the people who confronted them pacificly, spreading more lies and painting themself as the victim and even arriving to say “no one hears me out at all” which is simply not something you can say when you block people who are trying to hear you out in the first place.

this is by no means an invitation to go and harass them, send them hate or anything like that. i absolutely don’t want anything even remotely hateful or negative to be sent their way after this post. 

this post was only made because:

1. as an ace person who fully supports the inclusion of aspec identities in the lgbt+ community i don’t want to support an enviroment that costantly downplays transmisogynistic oppression in order to be taken seriously. there are hundreds of ways to make aspec activism without acting like we(as in TME aspecs)are the victims of a system that seeks for the annihilation of transfemenine people in real life everyday. i especially don’t want to support TME individuals who act transfem-friendly but then block any transfem who tries to speak on transmisogyny without a second thought.

2. Lucifer’s behaviour has hurt two friends of mine and i don’t want to associate with someone who actively breaks people’s boundaries without taking accountability when messing up.

3. i cannot associate with someone who spreads lies about me accusing me of sympathizing with exclusionists all while having me blocked so that i can’t see it nor defend me. they complain about people not hearing them out but they’re the very first person who does not try to hear people out, and instead jumps to spread baseless rumors. this is not someone i can nor want to associate with. 

(image descriptions provided by @malewifedeckard)

[makeste]

A theory I have seen is that Fuyumi wants the family back so desperately, because she and Toya experienced the better Endeavor, where everything was alright. My guess is that after his decent into abuse its stopped being like a normal family and Natsuo and Shoto never experienced a normal family. But that is just a therory

okay so speaking as someone who grew up with an abusive and neglectful parent (though in my case it was my mom rather than my dad)... it’s complicated. there are a lot of emotions there. I think one of the things Horikoshi has really excelled at with the whole Todoroki plot is the way that he’s used the four siblings to show the different ways that children respond to parental abuse. and I can say from personal experience that all of them are valid. not just the bitterness, anger, and resentment that Touya, Natsuo, and Shouto have all shown at times, but also that intense (but tentative, almost wishful-thinking) longing to just have a normal family that we see from Fuyumi. speaking again from experience, that last one isn’t an outlier at all. in fact, in my case, I’d say that was honestly the strongest feeling out of all of them, and it even fueled a lot of the other three emotions. btw just a heads up I’m gonna delve into some personal stuff here briefly, so yeah. I won’t put details, but if anyone wants an abuse trigger warning added to the post or anything like that, just let me know.

so the thing is, even during my angriest times, if some magic wish-granting genie had poofed in and told the child me, “’sup, I’m here to solve all of your family problems, just tell me what you want me to do,” I wouldn’t have wanted them to take my mom away and lock her up somewhere and make her suffer or anything like that. honestly, even during the worst of it, the thing I wanted more than anything else was just to have a normal family. my mom had a lot of untreated mental health issues, and it was basically a situation where you never knew which version of her you were going to get on any given day. so there were times when she was a kind and loving mother who took care of me and my siblings. and there were a great many more times when she was temperamental and erratic, and we all (my dad included) basically just walked on eggshells around her and did our best to lay low and try not to bother her because even little things might set her off, and we never knew how she was going to react. and my dad worked a lot, and my sibs and I were homeschooled for reasons which I’m not gonna get into because this post is already veering off on too many tangents, but anyway so the short of it is that my sibs and I grew up in this unstable environment and ended up more or less raising ourselves. and I resented my mom a lot for that, growing up, and I still do honestly.

now a lot’s happened since then, and she’s gotten some help, and my siblings and I are all adults now and we’re more or less good, even though we all took a certain amount of Psychic Damage along the way and we’re each still dealing with that. and we each have different relationships with our mom now, and a couple of my sibs are even fairly close to her. but for my part, I pretty much have no relationship with her at all outside of seeing her a few times a year at family get-togethers and the like. the thing is, even though my mom did eventually (after a LOT of false starts and struggles and heartache) get some help, she’s never really shown remorse for what my siblings and I went through because of her. she’s never taken responsibility for any of it. she blames a lot of other people, and will go on long rants about all of the terrible things that have happened to her and all of the horrible ways people have treated her (some of which is true, and some of which very much is not). but there’s never even the slightest acknowledgement of any of the things she herself has done to hurt others. she either passes the blame or just pretends it never happened. 

and honestly, it sucks. even now, there’s little to no real desire to change on her part. she’s gotten therapy and meds now, and so emotionally she’s much more stable than when we were kids, but one of the unfortunate results is that it’s all the more clear now that a lot of her behavior never had anything to do with her mental illness at all. she just didn’t care at all about how she was hurting others; or at the very least, didn’t care to face it. and that’s just how it is.

anyway, so I’m sorry to keep breaking away and telling you guys my own life story lol. but the point I’m trying to get at here is that I actually relate to Fuyumi so much, though. what I wanted more than anything was for my mom to care, and to say she was sorry, and for me to be able to believe that and to trust her, and for her to actually change. that was it.

and so for me, here’s the biggest difference between the Endeavor situation, and my own and so many others. the difference is that unlike people in real life, we know Endeavor is actually remorseful for what he’s done. we know it for certain because we’ve seen it for ourselves, from his own point of view. the manga actually lets us get inside his head and shows us that he really is sincere, that he really is sorry, and that he really is trying to change. and that’s something that’s impossible to get in real life. that certainty that the person really means it, that they’re genuinely remorseful and committed to making amends.

and for me, that’s fucking wish fulfillment right there. for the abusive parent to finally realize the error of their ways and be sorry and try to do right by their kids. I fucking wanted that. hell, I still want it, even though I’ve made my peace with things the way that they are. that chance to somehow heal the broken relationship, and have your parent genuinely try their best to be a real parent to you, even if it’s years after the fact? shit. I’d take that in a heartbeat.

and so when it comes to Fuyumi and her attempts to get her family to reconcile and experience a few normal things, I f feel that. I really do. because when you’re growing up in that type of situation, normal is all that you want. and I don’t think it’s anything that requires an explanation on her part, because it’s not actually an unusual reaction at all. it’s natural. it’s the most natural thing in the world. honestly it’s annoying that fandom sometimes tries to shame her for having those feelings. like honestly, fuck that. because the thing is, I’d wager that almost every kid who grew up with an abusive parent has at some time or other felt the exact same way.

and that includes Touya, Natsuo, and Shouto as well. literally the only difference between them and Fuyumi is that they feel that Endeavor’s change of heart is simply coming too late. it’s not that they don’t want their family back, just like she does; it’s that from their point of view, it’s something they can’t get back. for Fuyumi, that dream of having a normal family is something she’s still seeking. for Natsuo and Touya, that dream of having a normal family is something that was destroyed. something that Endeavor killed. something they’re in mourning of. and so Touya wants revenge for it, and Natsuo is trying to pick himself up and move past it. and meanwhile Shouto is caught somewhere in the middle of all of those reactions, because he’s still trying to decide whether or not he can ever bring himself to trust his father again. he’s somewhere in between his brothers’ mourning and his sister’s hopefulness. sort of a Schrodinger type of deal lol.

but anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that all four siblings are really experiencing the same thing, just in different ways. Fuyu may be the one arranging family dinners and the like, but that same longing to be part of a normal family is at the core of Natsuo, Shouto, and even Touya’s behavior as well. Natsuo’s hurt and resentment, and Touya’s spite and bitterness, come from being denied the thing they want. and Fuyu’s shaky attempts at reconciliation come from her desire to still obtain it somehow. but at the end of the day they’re the exact same feelings. and they all come from the same place.

anyways, hopefully that makes some kind of sense. basically, everyone is valid. Fuyu is valid, Natsu and Shouto are valid, and Touya is murdery which isn’t cool, but his feelings are still valid too nonetheless. hugs and therapy for the Todoroki children in 2021, Horikoshi. please and thank you.

[mr-and-mr-diaz]

I Don’t Understand Buck Begins.

PSA this is a bit of rant. Not a hate-rant or anything like that, but I do express frustration and if you’re not here for that right now, please skip this. It is complicated and ended upa bit long. But if you’re up for it, I’d LOVE to know your thoughts.

I actually want to talk about this with people. I’m not here to drop a statement like a microphone and walk away. The first time I watched Buck Begins, I loved it. I still do. But as I think back on it and rewatch, there are some major issues I’m spotting:

1. Buck in his whole life has been endangering himself in order to get the attention (dare I say LOVE) of those around him. I feel like the Firefam’s (very OOC) responses to him recklessly endangering himself again only enforced these destructive habits?

2. Firefam’s OOC reaction: In literally every other episode, when Buck recklessly endangers himself the firefam immediately put the brakes on, tell Buck to treasure himself, not to be reckless, to think things through, to realize that the victim got out because of sheer good luck (as well as hair-brained thinking on Buck’s part, but some of Buck’s decision making also really endangered him, more on that later.) The fact that Bobby let Buck work that fire at all in the state of mind he was in is odd. The fact that Hen told him he was for whatever reason correct in choosing to split from the party and go on his own in his current state of mind was beyond odd. Looking back, it doesn’t feel like real moments, but rather contrivances dressed in nice words like “I don’t this often but you’re right” (NO HE’S F**KING NOT!!) so that we wouldn’t question them immediately. Was Buck correct that the other team needed anotehr man? Yeah. Was he right that it should be him? NOPE. Anyone could see that, we could see that, the Firefam could see that. but they let him go anyway. This is OOC, they’re smarter than that, and they’ve known Buck for long enough to know when he’s triggered and more likely to make poor decisions. During it, when Buck disobeys orders and Bobby is calmly just like “Yeah he does that sometimes.” I’m sorry, did someone put Xanax in Bobby’s coffee? Why on earth would he be so calm?? In a normal situation he would never be calm about that--add to it the fact that he KNEW Buck wasn’t at his most stable at the moment? He should have been shouting into his radio and hauling ass, not shrgging and smiling with pride like “Yup! It’s cool with me” like what?? Then afterward, nothing but kind words and praise. Good job risking your life like an idiot, good job risking the other guy because you were so determined to get him out asap you didn’t stop to think. That’s what you do, Buck. 

Like did they really just say that!?

The only nuance that I thought was right here, the only thing that was given emphasis that felt RIGHT, was not that Buck stays behind, not that he makes reckless decisions sometimes, not that he jumped into a fire while unstable, THE ONLY THING that should have been emphasized here, that the episode should have been based on? Is that BUCK DOESN’T GIVE UP. There’s a quality in him that we’ve seen before. one that Buck doesn’t seem to realize about himself. Athena’s moment was the only moment that looking back gives me any kind of cathartsis, because it is the only healthy reaction from the firefam that I saw (aside from them all running in after him--still love that moment.) they should’ve been gentle baout it, but nonetheless should’ve told Buck to treasure himself more, not be like “And here’s our most rekless memeber, pat on the back, kid, we love that you throw yourself into danger without thinking, in fact that’s what we love most about you!” Thinking back, I could SCREAM that that’s the message they left Buck with.

3. The victim: Let’s face it, the only reason the victim didn’t die is because the writers didn’t want him to. They made sure the tank landed somewhere non-fatal so that Buck could still get a win, even though many of his decisions thus far had been hare-brained and ill-advised, driven by a mad need to prove himself, and to never leave people behind, even if stopping and waiting and thinking might be more advisable at some points. In fact, when the victim first falls, and buck wakes up and he looks at him and I thought the victim was dead, first of all I was really sad for the victim, but I also felt like that was the right way to go. Buck’s decision making wasn’t sound, he wasn’t thinking straight, he went in anyway, by all rights the only reason the victim stayed alive after everything he went through was because the writers wanted him to stay alive which they followed with a big and in my opinion inappropriate Pat on the back Moment. The victim dying would’ve been tragic, but it would’ve driven home a lesson for buck, that hurting himself, endangering himself isn’t the answer, won’t always save the day. It would’ve taught Buck (harshly yes, but) that he needs to get his head  on straight in this job. And if he had lost teh victim and the firefam had been there for him anyway, it would’ve been a whole different scenario.

In the episode, while it was super sweet and had some incredible moments, Buck learns nothing, his relationship with the Firefam doesn’t actually change at all, and his relationship with his family doesn’t appear to have actually progressed. He’s still prioritizing them over himself (bringing the parents into therapy since well, they’re trying which is apparently enough now), he’s now been encouraged to continue the reckless streak of self-sacrificing decision making that he’s been on in the past in order to gain teh love and recognition of the poeple around him.

I wish the writers had placed focus, not on Buck being accepting, not on Buck being restless, but on Buck not giving up. We saw bits of that yeah, but it wasn’t as highlighted as Buck ebing reckless and feeling overall like he’s not enough. I wish the episode had been centered there, and they had created an entirely different scenario start-to-finish that (like in Eddie begins, where there were no contrivances, the only reckless thing he does--cutting the line--is something that there isn’t a quetsion in a single brain he WOULD do and should do) where Buck is level-headed, where he’s in some kind of scenario where only he could uniquely succeed in because he never gives up. This episode had bits of it here and there, but ultimately what was running teh day was buck vulnerabilities, not his strengths. Insead of pointing out where Buck shines (like the other Begins episodes), they really only further highlighted what his weaknesses are and then proceeded to have the people around him encourage those weaknesses. Like, what?!

I also think this was the moment to solidify the firefam as his family. Instead, we see Buck retreating back toward a very unhealthy family situation and the firefam remains where they always are. What they did for buck in this episode was something incredible, but it’s also something they would do for any member of the firefam. What I wanted was for the firefam to show up for Buck in a way that he uniquely needs. How, I don’t know--perhaps taking a jab at his loneliness, surprising him with a dinner party at the loft, whatever. Something that told Buck “we see your pain, we see how tough your parents are, how you and Maddie need family who will show up and treasure you no matter what (WHICH BTW INCLUDES YELING AT YOU WHEN YOU’VE BEEN AN IDIOT AND TELLING YOU TO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP DON’T ENDANGER YOURSELF LIKE THAT AGAIN, PLEASE VALUE YOURSELF), that’s what Buck needed. An episode that would help him learn to treasure himself, believe in himself more, love the fact that he never gives up about himself, learn that dangerous stunts and running into things without thinking because he bleives that’s what gets him love is incorrect and unecessary. We didn’t get any of that. The episode was also trying to kill two birds with one stone, which brings me to my last point:

4. Framing Buck Begins around the sibling’s relationship, while GORGEOUS (seriously LOVED these moments they did and the casting was amazing, and both JLH and OS played their younger selves to perfection) I wish had been placed in a completely different episode. They didn’t belong here in an episode of Buck learning about himself. And because of the amount of airtime they took up, we ended up with an episode where Buck doesn’t really learn about himself in the end. Everything remains largely external instead of internal.

All in all, I feel like we need another Buck Begins episode to right the wrongs of this one. Nothing has been solved or fixed. Buck’s relationships remain pretty much the same going in as they do leaving. He has found no peace, no resolution (except in confirmation that Maddie loves him, which is nice, but largely external) he is still fuled by the belief that reckless behavior is what wins him teh love and attention of those around him.

This frustrates me to no end. If you feel like Buck Begins did scratch every itch for you, I’d love to talk and see your perspective as well, because I hate this itchy feeling of dissatisfaction and I dearly hope I’ve missed something here.

Anyway sorry this got so long. Didn’t realize I had QUITE so many thoughts until I started writing and then shit happened. If you made it to the end, thank youa nd I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts, whether you agree or disagree.

[popculturebuffet]

Carl Barks: Back to the Klondike Review: Blinkus of the Thinkus

Welcome one and all! If your a longtime reader of this blog, you know I love a good birthday celebration, having started with my first year reviewing animation last year with Donald’s and deciding to do Mickey and Scrooge’s later that year. But since I misseda  LOT of disney birthdays, and found several Non-disney birthdays and anniversaries I just gotta celebrate, this year i’m making it up and style and have a whole calender set up to tack these big milestones to the wall. So over the year expect tributes to the greats of disney, looney tunes, and mgm both behind and in front of the scenes, as well as to various shows I like. It’s gonna be a good time. 

So to start us off, it’s only fitting my first duck birthday since Scrooge, is for the love of his life and the stealer of his wallet, Glittering Goldie O Gilt! And I felt the best way to celebrate this storied day was to go back to her very FIRST apperance, one of earliest Scrooge headlined comics and a forever fan faviorite, Back to the Klondike!

But before we get into that, a little history on our gal in gold. Goldie was created for this story by comics god, the late great Carl Barks. Barks ended up just using her once, which is a shame but understandable as he probably only thought of her for that one adventure. While some characters like Gyro ended up being used again and again he probably just didn’t have any more stories in mind for her and figured Scrooge would return to her one day or he wouldn’t, but it wasn’t up to him.  Fans however loved the character, her feisty dynamic with scrooge, and the fact she brought out his good side, so naturally other writers would bring her back. In paticular Barks Superfan Don Rosa cemented her as the love of his life and wrote several more stories with her, fleshing out their backstory and saying that at least in his personal canon, Scrooge retired to spend his final years with her. And while his fanboy was clearly showing, and that can end nasitly just ask Dan “Hates Wally West because he’s not barry allen” DiDio, glad he’s gone.. Rosa’s work with goldie is an example of what happens when it’s done right. Less DiDio or Bendis and more Al Ewing. Using the continuity and what’s there to build on a character who deserved better.. to me that’s one of the BEST things you can do in comics and Rosa’s work is proof of that, ironing out the.. questionable elements we’ll get to and leaving the gold in.  So Rosa’s work combined with Ducktales not only adapting this story but bringing Goldie back a few times after that has elevated the character to a storied and permenat part of the duck canon, with her excellent heavily revamped Reboot counterpart currently carrying the torch with the help of the wonderful Allison Janey, perfect casting there. So with a legacy of gold behind her, let’s take a look at where it’s started and see if it still glitters after all these years under the cut. 

We begin our story at the Money Bin. Scrooge has been counting his money.. but has already forgotten, and forgot where he put the slip he wrote the number on and even forgets who Donald is when he shows up until Donald, while having some fun with him as Scrooge is trying to phone him while he’s right there. As for how he got into the most secure place in the bin.. the story actually answers that both worringly and hilariously: Scrooge left the door unlocked.  Naturally he’s not happy about this and Donald states the simple solution: Go see a doctor something’s CLEARLY very wrong, and the fact this could possibly be something like Demntia is VERY bad for someone who runs a zillion dollar company. Scrooge of course scoffs at “wasting his precious money” But Donald not only points out the obvious, that two bucks now saves him from having someone rob EVERYTHING, but Scrooge’s attempt to tie a string around his finger.. instead triggers a trap. And this entire sequence is decent with some good gags.. it’s just hampered a bit by making light of something that’s kinda bad. Not old people forgetting things.. but an old person with a disease as we find out forgetting things. Not helping is I laughed at first at the gags.. till I remembered a kind, old, friend of the family who had it and forgot me entirely by the end. So yeah, not the worst gags and the boxing glove and donald bits aren’t terrible, but it hurts now my brain’s made that connection. 

Our heroes head to the doctor’s office where Scrooge is diagnosed with... 

That.. might be the best name for a fictional illness i’ve ever heard in my life.. just inching out “Brain Cloud” and “Whale Cancer”. Still not the most SENSITIVE gag.. but it was the 50′s and mental issues weren’t given a lot of respect. IT’s why the above sequence and this whole part of the plot dosen’t scuttle things: It’s not the most repsectful.. but it wasn’t a time where these things were givne proper respect, treatment or knowledge, so barks wasn’t being an insentive douche on purpose, he just didn’t know. It dosen’t make it 100% okay btu it dosen’t wreck the story like say his blatant racist caractures in Voodoo Hoodoo. Seriously that’s.. not okay, and given he’s the kind of guy who researched locations he used, unlike with mental illness i expect BETTER of him than most men at the time. Still respect the guy, but it dosen’t mean i’ll overlook the fact he made some pretty bad mistakes. Same way while I love and miss Stan Lee I won’t ignore his blatant sexisim or racisim towards Chinese and Vitamise people. You CAN like a creator even if their work has some questionable and unjustifable elements, times do change and people do mamke mistakes when their young. It just depends on exactly WHAT they did or wrote that makes that distinctoin.  So on that bombshell, Scrooge is given medication after a needle gag. He needs to take his pills every 12 hours. It’s then he starts to remember something, mubling abotu skagway, goldie and dawson and telling Donald to get the boys, their going to Alaska! Once they get on the boat Scrooge explains: he remembered thanks to the medcince he left a stash of gold nuggets there from his prospecting days.. and part of why this story ended up being one of the single most important to Scrooge’s character. While it establishes some character traits, something I dind’t realize till wikipedia pointed it out, it also establishes Scrooge’s days as a prospector. While other things made him what he was and got him to that point as Don Rosa would later flesh out, it was his days in the yukon that, for better or worse defined who he is now and shaped him into the man he is today: Tough, fair, badass as all hell, mean as the devil and richer than god.  This time would be used a lot to set up stories, which made sense as it was the cleast and most agreed upon part of his past by all writers, and him at his abosltuely peak physically and mentally and the gold rush motif of the time perfectly fits someone defined by being rich. It’s also honestly nice that the Yukon is used, as Canada sometimes gets lost in the shuffle wise and hell until reading life and times I gneuinely had no idea what the Yukon was or where Calvin was headed when he and hobbes ran away from home. 

Scrooge also first mentions Goldie and while clearly remembering her fondly.. goes into a rant about her howing him a thousand dollars which has compounded to a billion the second the boys catch on he was sweet on her with Donald assuming he’s just not a good person. But this is really just setting up another vital part of his character and the other thing: his heart. Before he’d been show as a pretty heartless, greedy asshole. While the previous story, Only a Poor Old Man, had softened him up a bit, this is the first to show that beneath the pile of greed and mean lurks a decent human being. Just don’t tell anyone or he’ll throw his money at you.. then tell you to bring it back to him. It’s what makes the character who he is: he’s cruel, onrey and selfish.. but he CAN care when the chips are down and can do the right thing.. as we’ll see later. 

God I love the little poems Bill Watterson would put in the books. I didn’t as much as a kid, but god I do now. Anyways before our heroes can get going Yukon Ho, they stop in Skagway for suplies before heading out, Scrooge softing at taking a plane as “Soft” and him and the nephews hiking a week.. before running into the same flying service again, and finding out Scrooge OWNS it and forgot, because being scrooge he forgot to take his meds. Something I can relate to and i’m not proud of as staying on them is important to my well being. Seriously always take your meds. Unless their not working for you then talk with your doctor to get new ones. 

So we arrive in Dawson, as our heroes will have to walk rest of the day Scrooge takes the boys to the Black Jack Ballroom, which used to be a hot spot and was where he met Goldie for the first time. After another covering for his reminscing with greedy bollocks, he tells the boys the story.. one that was cut from the original printing despite introducing goldie and something the editors dind’t bother to tell carl till they berated him over trying to sneak a blackjack saloon and a kidnapping in there... and to them, or their long dead skeletons probably, I say. 

Yeah not wanting that in a kids story, while bollocks, tha’ts their perogative.. not having him send in replacement pages to keep story flow.. is dickish and underestimates kids intellegence as Don Rosa, while loving the story felt something was off till he saw the missing pages years later thanks to a fellow fan. So yeah kids, and adults, into the work noticed. Nice job. Again I can’t BLAME them for not wanting Scrooge to be a kidnapper as we’ll see and Don Rosa had to massage the hell out of that, but I can blame them for not caring enough to fix the obvious hole int he story. Though it’s now complete and unabriged and has been since the 80′s so there's that. 

So in a nutshell Scrooge came to town for a coffee, and while the bartender ignored him he didn’t once he plunked down his goose egg nugget, what made his fortune and one of Scrooge’s most treasured possessions. It’s here we meet Goldie. 

Yup.. just in case you thought her being a thief and greedy as hell was a new thing, and I kinda forgot how much, she dirves for the nugget, has Coffee with scrooge.. and drugs it, but makes the mistake of NOT clearing town, so Scrooge fights his way through the ballroom to her, gets the nugget back, forces her to sign the money for the iou he spent.. and then uh.. kindaps her to force her to work on his claim for 50 cents to try and teach her how to work honestly. 

Yeahhhh as I said Don Rosa tried his best to fix this , and did so in his final story, which we’ll get to some day, revealing Goldie had a shot gun on her the whole time and was going along entirely to find out where Scrooge’s claim was. That.. actually makes more sense with the character and is far less horrifying and Scrooge finds this out fairly quick, so them forming an attraction out of this becomes 100% more plausable. So yeah good on Don Rosa for fixing the implications here. I may give out on him from time to time.. but he is a genuinely talented writer and did what a good comic book writer in an established continuity should do: update elements so they aren’t so... eugguuhhh after they become horrifingly outdated. And look YES she did do horrible shit to him.. but you still can’t kidnap someone over that. just put her in jail. What was any of that. 

Anyways Scrooge HAS been taking his medicine, and proves it by showing the boys his pills and the next day they head to Scrooge’s old claim.. only someone’s living there and using it, and his old cabin.. and a shot gun. Yeah so they aren’t getting through in the day what about the night.. well they get attacked by Blackjack, who turns out to be owned by the claim jumper.. and is also you know a bear> And Donald left his back in new quackmore so their outmatched. 

So outgunned and outplanned, if not outnumbered or outmanned, our heroes make a camp fire and whiel Donald again suggests the obvious, call the police.. Scrooge can’t. He didn’t pay taxes on the claim so he’s technically jumping his own claim and techincally she has a right to it. So techncially.. Scrooge is the bad guy here as he left the money here, didn’t pay his taxes and didn’t ever come back for it. Still beats trying to terrify your nephews or deny orphans a train because your an asshole buffet. 

So the next morning Scrooge dosen’t want to rush her because “We Daren’t Get Rough with an old woman”. Two things.. 1... think before you put images in my head scrooge.. brrrrrrrrr. I mean Goldie. is not in the best shape in thie story as you’ll see and neither are you. In the reboot sure you two kept up a lot better but here.

And it’s not even an old people thing. Ann Margret was still fine so fine by the time of Grumpy Old Men, not to get creepy jut to prove i’m not being ageist. For a still alive example Keith David is also still a smokeshow at the tender age of 64. So yeah, not an age thing just not these paticular old people. 

But they need a plan so the boy suggest luring the bear into a trap with honey. Donald and Scrooge build the cage while the boys.. find the jar of honey. 

Regardless since the boys won’t do it for what Scrooge pays and neither will donald Scrooge goes to lure the bear with the honey. Once that’s done, and Scrooge is being covered with honey and licked by a bear...

So while he washes that off, the boys come up with another plan: they run around back while Donald makes noise to draw Goldie’s fire, with that being Dewey’s plan to meet her since he’s figured this out already. But Goldie has a backup plan and when she figures out they disabled Blackjack unleashes mosquitos... ugh. Having been stung like hornets about 50 times in animal crossing I feel you boys. So while Scrooge and Donald run off naked... troy if you will. 

Thank you Troy, the boys confront Goldie who reveals her identity... and that she’s broke, her dance hall having failed with the rush and this claim being all she has.. and her suspecting scrooge woudl gladly take it. The boys vow not to tell scrooge.. but he’s on his way so they kinda have to and he primps to go visit and Donald starts to see through his BS about collecting the debt. Sure enough despite being taken aback by her putting on her old dress , he takes her for all she has and is.. genuinely suprised as she thought she’d have more and she’d actually changed since the old days, donating her profits to orphans from mining disasters. Scrooge.. is clearly rattled by this. Whiel it turns out to my shock he was clealry after the money, though givne who we’re dealing with I shoudln’t of been really, he still cares and still realizes he’s being kind of a dick. So he challengers her to a gold digging race, and if she wins the claim is hers and any gold she finds.. and naturally, while he seemingly puts her soemwhere where there isn’t she finds the claim and Scrooge bemoans not taking his pill.. but while the boys boo him for it, Goldie who fondly waves them off and Donald know better: Donald points out he counted the pills this morning.. and recently. SCrooge DID take one today... he’s just has his cane shoved firmly up his ass with pride so he coudln’t ADMIT he was wrong and instead simply staged that whole thing with the full knowledge Goldie would win. It, again, sets up one of his defniing traits; how he keeps people at arms length. How he’s just so proud and full of himself he can’t bear to admit anything resembling weakness.. but WILl find a way to do the right thing without that or forgoe it as a last resort. He may project being a stingy cretionus old man.. because he is.. but he’s got a heart as big as that nugget.. it’s just locked tight in it’s own bin... his body is complicated and weird that way Final Thoughts:

This story is a classic with a decent setup, great backstory for scrooge, and a great guest character and unquestionable impact on the character. However.. it does have it’s problem; As Don Rosa, who as i’ll remind you is both a huge barks fanboy and huge scoldie shipper, himself pointed out he wrote his final story, and had planned to for years ENTIRELY because this one never quite explains how Scrooge and Goldie went from old enmies to lovers.It did lead to one of his best stories and one of the first I read post life and times so, props to that. And of course as I pointed out some things have just.. not aged well, especially the kidnapping so their relationship kinda comes off like stockholm syndrom as a result of both of these. 

That being said.. warts and all.. it’s still a really damn good story and a good one to try if your intrested in barks work or where Goldie came from: it has adventure, some really good jokes and if you can get past the dated bits the plot is solid. And while it goes without saying i’ll say it anyway Barks art is goregous as always ESPECIALLY in the flashback sequence. Overall not the best AGED Scrooge story, though not the worst either see Voodoo Hoodoo, good god, but defintely a classic for a reason.  If you liked this review, follow me for more, and for more duck content as I still have more of the three cablleros to work through, another chapter of life and times coming up this week befor ewe break again for feburary, and some other fun stuff. Until the next rainbow, it’s been a pleasure. 

[0bianidalas]

ok. i hate to be put in this position because polo x carla x christian was an OT3 that was really close to my heart but yeah, here goes a long rant: POLO X CARLA X CHRISTIAN IS IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM BETTER THAN POLO X CAYETANA X VALERIO. 

First of all, anyone of you who says they’re just recycling or repeating that storyline can fuck right off, let us polyamorous people have more than one throuple in a show. 

Why is Polo x Caye x Valerio better? Simple: because they talk. Because they’re open. Because they’re aware of what they want. 

Polo x Carla x Christian was born out of a shady game/experiment Polo and Carla wanted to try. Polo x Carla x Christian throuple’s whole foundation was a clusterfuck.

Christian was fooled into thinking Carla was into him when really he was being watched without his consent when he had sex with her. Carla thought she was trying to salvage her relationship with her boyfriend and Polo was just trying to act on his attraction to men without having to end things with his girlfriend. Messy. Then when Christian got in on to the picture, he did so for his own, dishonest reasons. 

Let me break it down into the three parts, because that’s the real issue: all three of them did terrible, questionable stuff.

First, the original sinner & real orchestrator: Polo. Yes, this whole thing was Polo’s idea even though Carla had to nudge him towards it at given points. 

In season two we find ourselves with a Polo who’s not questioned about his bisexuality, who explicitly says “Bi? Is that what I am? You know, you may be right. I might be bi” when is labeled as such & then who reveals to Guzmán he was into him at some point in his life. We don’t know for sure how long people have known this about Polo, but they know now. But FIRST, in season one, we have this exchange between Carla and Polo, the first time he’s having doubts about what they’re doing: 

[btw, this is Carla being supportive of her bi bf, just saying. She was encouraging, at one point, but, yk, I’ll get to that]

Now, either this happened sometime before Polo’s bi awakening via Guzman’s incrediboy ass or this right there is Polo outright lying to Carla. Polo was aware that he was attracted to guys & his main goal of having a threesome with his gf & some other dude was to explore that (or he wasn’t but then the whole timeline is weird bc then that means he liked Guzman sometime during S1 events. idk). First strike. 

Then, where else did my dear chaotic bi Polo go wrong? He let himself get pushed & influenced by Guzmán’s nosy ass comments. Polo was ready to help Christian get a modeling job with his mother, to get Christian to like him as a friend, without anything sexual in return

but then Guzman got inside with his head with his “Christian wants to take advantage of you” & then Christian’s whole dismissive attitude towards him & Carla calling him out on being jealous just triggered his Messy Needy Bi brain. So he got Christian to suck his dick over a magazine cover = he took advantage of Christian before he could do it to him. Second strike

And the nail on the coffin was cheating on Carla. Because yes, that was cheating. He lied to her to get alone time with Christian so he could have him to himself. He broke his girlfriend’s trust &, as the principle of their arrangement stated they weren’t supposed to do anything with Christian without the presence of the other: he broke the rules. Third strike. 

This last point of Polo’s faults brings us to Carla’s mistakes:

As I pointed above, Carla did encourage Polo in his attraction towards guys. In the examples of: the scene above, when she told him he liked Christian undressed better, when she moved the boys’ chins to see if they would kiss with a smile on her face, even when she pointed out Polo was jealous she was amused by it. She was on board. In fact, she was actually even pushy about it when you come to think of it, which is not good, bc if Polo hadn’t told her then she just had to wait for him to gather the strength to say it, not push him out. But I digress.

It was only after Polo broke their pact that she turned disapproving & judgemental & did that cursed thing of questioning Polo’s bisexuality by saying “I think you like boys more than girls”.

A lot of people like to think that Carla pulled the strings to get herself this double course meal but as I said, that’s not the case. Polo had the idea, it’s just that Carla had the drive to actually pull it off. That being said, the way she decided to get there was controlling and messy, yes. Most of the times, she cared more about getting keeping the threesome arrangement than the genuine concerns and doubts her boyfriends had. Dick got her careless about her boys feelings.

Then there’s the fact that, yk, she coerced Polo into lying about what he had done (which, now that S3 is out makes me wonder a LOT), which ended up getting messier than it needed. And then she also dragged Christian down.

PS. Also, a lot of people seem to have pointed out that Carla was more into Christian than she was into Polo but I feel like that’s a reach. Polo had been her boyfriend for over four years, so ofc, she was a bit more enthusiastic when she was with Christian. But when it all came down, the one she really loved was Polo. Only Polo. (which is also an issue for a polyam triad, ofc)

Now, on to the icing of the cake: Mr. Christian “I’m not aware I’m a huge ass raging bisexual & Im upset about it” Varela. Yes. I said it. Christian’s bi, I got plenty of proof & no doubts.

As I’ve pointed before: Christian was put into this trio clueless. Used. Lied to. The guy had very valid reasons to go “if you want to spice things up in your relationship, get yourself some other guy”. But since he’s a dumb (bi) boy with a Plan, he accepted.

Nothing ever goes right in triad in which one party just “””accepts””; they’re either into it or they’re not. Forcing polyamory is just as bad as forcing monogamy.

That’s not saying that Christian wouldn’t have gladly been a part of their trio had they gone right at it (just, picture it, Polo helping Christian get that fame & recognition he craves, slowly getting close to him. Carla being supportive & reassuring of her interest in them, equally, bam! They would’ve gotten Christian forever).

However that didn’t happen, so instead, we got a Christian who’s core interest was sexual & social/economic. He wanted to be with Carla for sex & with Polo for money/prestige.

There was potential for Christian to realize he’s not straight. Because no straight man looks like this when being sucked off by a guy:

There was potential for Christian to fall in actual love with Carla, too. Potential for Christian to become more than what his parents thought him to be & to exploit that ambitious side of him in something that would’ve made him truly successful. However, Miguel Herran (Christian’s actor) had scheduling conflicts or didn’t wish to be part of the show anymore so all that potential went to waste. 

Why Polo x Caye x Val are better

Essentially: because they have none of the above.

Polo has left insecure-about-his-bisexuality Polo behind, he’s grown & knows better than to lie & be pushed around now. Cayetana is in no position of power to be controlling or pushy. & Valerio is fully aware of who he is/what he wants with them from the beginning. 

The circumstances have made Polo stop being concerned about what his friends (now former friends) think of him & his love life. In fact, he proudly rejoices in it & tells the people he cares about,  about it (Ander, his moms). Polo’s really only hesitation at first was rooted in the fact that his previous try with Carla & Christian didn’t work out. 

Valerio comes forward with his equal interest in them as soon as he realizes that’s what he wants. (which is after he learns Polo tried to commit suicide) He makes sure to state, verbally, that he’s into both of them: 

& even makes sure that they like him back by asking them. Which they verbally assure Valerio they do. But they’re only saying no because they don’t want to tarnish Valerio’s already controversial reputation, showing that: they care about Valerio at that point already. 

Cayetana, for her part, did positively what Carla wasn’t able to, for one reason or the other: constantly be reassuring and supportive of the triad. She’s the one who made sure the triad kept on by just being open & honest about how good it was for them. (”You’re the piece we were missing” to Valerio & “We’re building something nice here. Something worthwhile” to Polo). 

When Polo&Christian wanted to call quits & break up the arrangement, Carla forced them back in with manipulative tricks (sex or pressure). Meanwhile, when Polo&Valerio got insecure about the triad, Caye lured them back in with honest, sweet words and reassurance.

Ultimately, the reason they fell apart was entirely fixable had they had had more time, but the season was about to be over & Polo’s fate was already set, anyways. 

You can argue Polo x Carla x Christian was hotter or that they felt more organic to you, fine. But they’re not a better trio & they’re definitely not a better polyamship; they had the potential, but the writers didn’t exploit it (& I’m sure that’s because Miguel H got out).

[alien-tech]

i rewatched frozen 2 the other day so it’s time to talk about just how badly anna is treated in the movies

before this i would like to clarify i'm not anti-elsa at all, but disney really did a number on anna

obvious frozen 1 and 2 spoilers ahead

first of all, let’s start with the fact that both movies are centered around elsa's growth. yes, anna is in the movies as well but ultimately when you consider the plotlines a lot of it place elsa at the center of attention. elsa ran away and is struggling so anna needs to go after her as well as fix the winter issue that elsa inadvertently started. elsa has a whole song about her struggle when essentially she ran up the north mountain (which was a whole lot easier for her than anna since she does have powers) and made a castle where she was living blissfully ignorant to what her kingdom was going through. disney tries so hard to pass this off as elsa’s struggle but considering that it takes anna most of the whole movie to even get up there in the first place, i’d say elsa overnight trip wasn’t really much of a struggle right?

and on that note, elsa and anna are supposed to be the main characters right? they're both supposed to be the main characters, but both movies feel so much more centered on elsa and elsa's arc. it's about elsa's struggle with her power, elsa's mission to the enchanted forest, elsa's the gift, elsa's the spirit, elsa’s etc etc. again, yes anna is there too but the way disney focuses on how elsa grows and glosses over anna's growth is very underwhelming and disappointing.

everything that happens in the movies is perpetrated by elsa. elsa starts the winter and then runs away and in the end it’s anna who fixes the problem. elsa triggers the spirits and wants to run away yet again, this time to the enchanted forest and in the end she goes too far and dies and it’s anna who again, fixes the problem; which she figures out how to do on her own without any powers. disney portrays anna as a side character, focusing on elsa's arc so much more instead of anna's.

this is kind of a different point but still relevant, here's this post about elsa's oufits in the second and first movies. anna has at most 6 outfits. elsa has at least 8. it’s obvious that disney intended to market elsa as a main character and put her before anna in every way possible, even putting less effort into giving anna varied clothing design. disney will try to pass off frozen as a movie about sisters but it doesn’t even do that well. elsa undermines anna at every possibility. she lies to anna about hearing the voice, she remains distant from her throughout movie two (even though her growth in movie one was supposed to be about opening up herself again and trusting in her powers), elsa blames anna for trying to save her from the fire, she continues to promise anna that they will do it together, and then essentially tells anna she's not powerful enough to come along with her ("no anna, i have my power to protect me. you don't" to which anna replies "excuse me i climbed the north mountain, survived a frozen heart, and saved you from my ex boyfriend without any powers"). elsa still pushes anna away in movie two, even though it was a lesson she supposedly learned in movie one. anna then says "you promised me we would do this together" and elsa says agree and then turns around and COMPLETELY BREAKS THAT PROMISE RIGHT IN FRONT OF OLAF AND IMMEDIATELY AFTER SAYING THAT TO HER SISTER.

without anna, elsa died and even though anna did die (because of elsa but that was largely an accident) and everyone is talking about how strong elsa is for surviving becoming frozen but that EXACT thing happened to anna and while that was happening she managed to survive it, save her kingdom, and save her sister AND she didn't have any powers! going by this point, anna is the stronger sister.

movie one is arguably, all about elsa which would be alright if they made movie two about anna. despite the fact that in movie one, anna climbed the north mountain, tried to save elsa in order to save her kingdom only to be shoved out again, shot in the heart with magic, froze to death, and still managed to save elsa from hans and play a part in stopping the winter; the movie still ends on the note that elsa has learned to control her powers. it's about elsa learning to stop fearing herself and elsa learning to let people in right? and yet, if that movie is about elsa and elsa’s growth (even though again, anna did everything) then movie two should definitely be centered about anna right? but it's not about her and if the growth for elsa in movie one was learning to trust in herself and her sister then why in movie two does elsa continually shut anna out? it's like she made no growth at all.

anna is such a strong character and it’s so disappointing how much disney glosses over her. when anna was FIFTEEN she lost her parents. she went to their funeral ALONE and then she stood outside her sister's room, BEGGING for her to come out and comfort her. she BEGGED elsa to come out, to be there so they could grieve together and elsa didn't. nevermind the fact that elsa “couldn’t”. that’s her SISTER. even if she couldn’t open the door to hug her, she could at least talk to her through the door. but she ignored her and essentially insinuated to anna once again that she hated her and that she wasn’t worth talking to. disney focuses so much on how hard it was for elsa when she was young but to say nothing of the hardships anna faced when they were younger. she lost her BEST FRIEND and older sister in one day and she blamed HERSELF. elsa never telling her why they weren’t allowed to play with together anymore. her parents never telling her why her sister suddenly didn't want to play with her anymore. nobody telling her why her sister suddenly didn't love her anymore. i get that you could argue that it would be dangerous for anna to know, but is the better option really not telling her anything and having anna blame herself?

i get elsa had a hard time with her powers and all, but anna had it so much worse. can you imagine the sort of things that would have gone through anna’s head after losing elsa? her sister is the eldest and maybe has royal lessons (because as you know eldestborn children receive ruling lessons but youngest children do not). maybe anna figured “i’m not important enough for her anymore”

and do you think anna had her parents? the only person anna could play with was elsa because their parents are the king and queen and have royal duties. most princes and princesses are raised by nannies and nursemaids. anna didn’t have her parents and elsa was GONE and she thought it was because of her. anna's parents were the king and queen, they were busy with their duties and the rest of their time was spent with elsa trying to help her control her powers. anna had no one. no one.

back to movie two though, elsa defied anna over and over again and anna still said "i believe in you elsa, more than anyone or anything" and as SOON AS ANNA SAID THAT elsa said they would do it together and then sent her away. on a fucking ice boat. and you know what happened then? ELSA DIED WITHOUT ANNA AND ANNA YET AGAIN THOUGHT IT WAS HER FAULT. after olaf said “i think she [elsa] went too far” anna’s face fucking FALLS because she thinks “if i was there for her..” nevermind the fact that anna WANTED to go with her and was turned down because elsa implied that anna wasn’t strong enough to go with her. 

as said by their grandfather "magic makes people feel too powerful, too entitled" now in the case of the northuldra, they weren’t entitled nor did the magic make them feel such. but with elsa? she definitely has an entitled attitude that is only exemplified as the movie goes on. the parents clearly favored elsa so much and i would say elsa's entitlement comes about 40% from her parents treatment

the movies focus so much on elsa and what elsa is doing, it's not fair to anna. nevermind that anna is literally the hero of the first movie AND of the second movie. elsa was dead and anna knew that, as well as the fact that anna just lost her childhood best friend and still she got up climbed out of that mountain, woke the giants, destroyed the bridge, and ALL OF THAT while ALONE AND AGAIN WITH NO POWERS but oh my god, elsa is the HERO because she stopped the flood. again, i would like to clarify i'm not anti-elsa i'm just anti-anna underappreciation.

that was most of it for my rant but @mamadragon404 brought up a good point when we were talking about this yesterday. does anyone bring into question the fact that anna is supposed to be queen with no training? any child born after the first are never trained to rule. only firstborns receive ruling lessons and secondborns are supposed to be married off for political gain. this actually explains so much about why anna tries to find a true love at the party, and attaches onto hans so quickly because at home in arendelle, she has no one. her parents are gone, elsa has continually shut her out again and again, and her whole duty as a princess is to marry off for a union. she thinks that's what she's supposed to do and it's the only thing she can do because she feels so alone at home there's nothing there for her in arendelle, so her best hope at happiness is to run off with a prince, hopefully the man of her dreams because with a duty like “marrying off” the best thing she can hope for is that she’s stuck with someone who loves her. she's so quick to trust hans because she has to convince herself it's what she wants, she has to because it's supposed to be her duty and at least it's not her parents choosing which country's prince she has to marry she's trying to choose for herself, because subconsciously she knows she doesn't actually really have a choice.

so yeah the movies should've been nicer to anna and i am sorry but they did not do justice to anna at all, she deserved so much fucking more appreciation than she was given.

[werevulvi]

It is the first day of yet another of my menstrual periods. Yes, I wanted to share that information with you. I want to be vulnerable and honest, for a moment. Being a woman can be a bloody mess sometimes, painful and feel shameful. And I'm writing this post to tell you why I'm not ashamed. After I've told you all about those embarrassing little things that no one wants to talk about, or hear about. That alone, you see, makes me wanna talk about it. You're welcome. This post might be very triggering for dysphoric females, but this is written with especially you in mind. But because healing is painful, I won't hold it against you if you'd rather choose to scroll past this. That is entirely up to you. The author of this post (me) is a mostly desisted/detrans woman, still male-presenting, formerly trans man. But despite my first hand knowledge of sex dysphoria, I am not particularly smooth when talking about what used to cause me dysphoria but no longer does. Sorry about that. Otherwise, I do mean well. And secondly, this post is for any women/females who get periods and just don't like it for any reasons, obviously. Now let's get right in there. *

At this point, a little over 2 years of not taking testosterone anymore, I know my body so well that I know exactly when my period will arrive, from a few days prior. I can literally feel my estrogen levels plummeting, which it typically does a few days before the uterus lining starts shedding, and this drop in estrogen production is a perfectly normal part of the cycle as a whole. Then progresterone will rise sometime during the period, and the estrogen will start increasing slowly again after you're done bleeding, and will be at the highest typically somewhere right in between periods. I tend to feel the worst when my estrogen is low, and the best when it's high.

I googled that stuff for my own sake, and I found it fascinating, and that it helps me understand what practical hell my poor body is going through.

How I feel that my estrogen is plummeting, is mostly physical, and a little bit psychological. First I get bloated and no matter how much I fart, my stomach feels tense and sometimes slightly painful. Then comes the hot flashes. First just one in a day, fairly mild. The next day it's stronger, and more than just one. That day I usually also get easily irritated, and my skin feels more sensitive. Everything feels more sensitive. It's as if I'm more exposed in some abstract way. The third day the hot flashes are really intense and often, I'm very bloated and the irritations are exchanged for a hightened awareness of everything I feel. Happier, curiouser, sadder, angrier, more of everything. Kinda like being drunk, but without the rush. I'm getting mild cramps, a light pressure deep within my lower abdomen. Like a gentle tapping on my door.

That is when I really need to make sure I have a pad put securely in my underwear, because she's close now, my period. Tapping on my door. I can feel it.

Late that day, or early the next day, I will get my period. It's always like that. Bloated, hot flashes, light cramps, hightened senses, then bam. First it's medium flow with mild cramps, so I can continue whatever I was doing and not really overthink what's going on. And no panic about staining my underwear, because I was already padded up to begin with. That gives me a feeling of security and control. Like already having coffee prepared for your untimely guest.

On the second day, however, and the following 2 after that, I will need to keep on my toes, change often and be very mindful of my clothes not getting stained, as well as exist carefully because of the pain and lack of energy. Those 3 days my flow will be extremely heavy, which requires an hourly change of the thickest possible pads, slow movements, and being generally very gentle with myself. My body needs to focus 100% on this intense process of shedding my uterus lining very fast and effectively. It's very delicate business, apparently. I will not be able to exercise, or do much of anything, during these 3 days, but I don't mind. I let my body do her thing, because she knows what she's doing, and I know best to be helpful, but not controlling. And I'm thankful that my body lets it all out so fast and effectively, allowing me to resume my normal life quickly after my period's arrival.

I'm also thankful for those 3 days of completely unashamed self-care. Yes, I will indulge in a lot of tea-drinking, movie-watching, hot showers, playing of World of Warcraft, doing low energy arts and crafts, incense burning and cupcake eating. Those 3 days are painful and draining, but they are also very healing, soothing and bring me closer to myself. They ground me, a lot. They are the painful reality that I need to sober up from my previous weeks of ranting about gender dysphoria, the up's and down's of living as a man while female, missing being on testosterone, obsessing about my gender expression, and so on. Those 3 days are when I close the door on that gender noise and... just exist with myself, my material reality, and remind myself that fresh pads, warm rice bags to soothe cramps, the need for comfortable clothes, and standing up for women's rights - are the only gender struggles I really need to be concerned with. Perhaps relatable to you as well. Perhaps not.

In other words, those 3 days may be the worst 3 days of the month for me, but they are also... kinda the best 3 days, and I don't want for my period to behave in any other way. It's perfect the way it is.

The 5th day, after the first mild-ish day and then the 3 heavy, is a medium flow again, and I'm starting to feel better physically. The cramps ease up and the bloating is gone. The hot flashes typically end sometime during the heavy flow. Then on the 6th day, my period is practically over, by my standards. Light flow, no cramps or any other issues, my life resumes to normal. The 7th and 8th day there will be some light spotting, enough to just wear a pantiliner, or even go bold and free-bleed in black briefs.

So that's how I experience my period, every time. But enough about the presumably cringey, awkward, gross, whatever you wanna call them, parts.

I wanted to talk more about how getting my period effects me mentally. It acts kind of like a "reset", not only in my endless gender chaos, but in everything. Those 3 days that I dedicate to self-care, as my body forces me to slow down and focus on being mindful, stop spinning about, sit the fuck down and re-think my situation. It definitely works as a natural "restart" similarly to going to sleep at night, but in a way that instead of just knocking me out, makes me more awake and more aware.

That sense of increased awareness and awakening, which hyper-activates my senses yet slows me down, is what also grounds me. It has become kinda like an unintentional meditation ritual. That as soon as the toilet paper turns red, everything slows down and I change. This change is vital to my mental health. It helps me rebuild myself a little, and I believe that has a lot of valuable healing properties. And that makes me thankful that I'm a woman, because I get to experience this very healing, grounding process, every month - which I had entirely forgotten about, for 5 years, when I was taking testosterone and my period didn't come.

I was of course relieved back then, that I could go on for years without a single period happening. I'm not gonna brush aside that it was a huge relief at that time, back when I was still busy being angry at my body and at nature for causing any females to bleed monthly, because it felt like a punishment for the crime of simply having been born female - but now that I have her back, my period, I don't want for her to go away. It's the ONE thing that makes me hesitate and doubt if I even wanna go back on testosterone again, despite really badly wanting most other changes. And I will grieve losing my period again, if I go back on it!

I need my period. I do not hate it. I do not feel ashamed of it. It's a painful process to go through, which I have somehow managed to turn into something beautiful, and something to be celebrated. Every time it arrives, my instant self-care routine is also a celebration. I look forward to this celebration, every month. I look forward to my period. Every. Single. Month. This is something I thought I would never, ever say. But there it is. I am thanking nature for that wonderful opportunity to sit back, relax, reflect and focus on what really matters: loving myself, and making the most out of the one life that I have.

I hope this post gave you something to think about.

[storybookhall]

The Journey Pt.5- Through Open Eyes

a/n- Smut time!!! I am still not the most comfortable writing smut so be gentle don’t get used to smut too often.

Summary- After suffering in Woodbury you’re home, you and Daryl finally explore feelings you’ve had for months.

Trigger Warning- Language, mention of rape, adult themes

SMUUUUUTTTTT

Maggie seems to be having a harder time with what happened to you both at Woodbury, although she said he didn’t actually do anything to  her. Nobody here but Glenn knows what really went down those days they had you in that scary and cold place. You plan to keep it that way, you don’t want pity from anyone. You don’t need it.

“Hey... “ Glenn walks up to you awkwardly.

“ Hey!” You respond in a cheery chirpy voice

“ No one else is around, they’re all outside. Can we talk?” He asks quietly not really being able to look you in the eye.

“ Of course, but only if you stop looking at me like a wounded animal…” You say with a bit of attitude as you stand up and walk over to him at the door to your cell.

“ y/n, I’m worried about you. Maggie didn’t have it half as bad as you did and she is still hurting. Are you okay? If not i can-” He begins to ramble when you cut him off.

“ I’m fine! I survived it and now I have to continue surviving in this fucked up world where we not only have to be scared of being killed by the dead, but also fucking raped from the living-” you abruptly stop and put your hand over your mouth. Shocked at what you just said, you walk backwards until hitting the bed and you sit down. That was the first time you admitted to yourself that’s what happened.

“ I… I honestly don’t know if there is a right thing to say right now, but all I can say is Maggie and I are here for you through all of this.” He responds as he walks out of your cell.

You decide to go outside and see the rest of the group, Glenn walks out as well. You walk up behind Carol and see that Merle is just barely 50 ft in front of you. In this moment you see red, you start sprinting down towards him hearing Glenn behind you running to you. You run up to the group and knock Rick out of the way to slam your hands on Merle’s chest and shove him hard.

“ YOU!! You fucking did this to me! You fucking did this! Is that what you wanted all along!?!” Rick grabs you and pulls you back away from him.

“ y/n what the hell are you doing?!” Rick asked angrily.

“ Do you have any fucking idea what he put her through, he put her in that fucking storage unit and let people rape her... “ He stops and goes silent realizing he just told everyone.

“ I will say this now, if I have to share my home with him. I’ll be leaving.” You state to the group calming yourself down. You turn around to head back inside.

You walk to halls of the prison blowing off steam, not believing that Glenn just did that. You hear someone else start walking near the entrance but ignore it. As you continue walking you think about the time you were in there, and how fucking strong you are. They could not break you, and will not break you. Your sadness is just anger at this point, wanting to get revenge. As you hear the footsteps again you turn around to see Daryl, the look he gave you made you feel like a wounded animal. All at once all your anger comes flowing out directed towards Daryl. 

“ Why weren't you there!? I was alone, I was scared, I was hurt.” You yell as you beat on his chest, not realizing a lot of the group is right around the corner hearing all this going on. Rick was going to pull you away again but Daryl held his hand up. He knows you need this.

“ I’m sorry y/n, I really am. You know if I knew you were alive I would've done everything to find you” He says sheepishly as you continue hitting his chest.

“ But I WAS! I was alive, and thought I’d never see you again.” You attempt to say with anger as your voice cracks.

Daryl just pulls you close to his chest and laid his head above yours, hushing you as you continue your rant. You begin to calm down listening to his heartbeat, and soon enough he thinks you're calm enough to let go his hands begin to loosen. You grab his arms to keep them in place. The rest of the group went back to their daily routine as you stand in the middle of the hallway feeling time stop. Out of nowhere you feel a rough hand gently caress your cheek, you place yours over it feeling it’s warmth, until he moves it to your chin. Using the smallest bit of force he tilted your face up to his. Looking into his eyes, you see they are misty. His gaze darts between your eyes and your lips, as he slightly parts his own.

“ Can I…” He questions softly

Too shocked to speak, you just nod, he moves both hands to your cheeks. Then, the moment you’ve envisioned since the day you met comes to reality. You pull apart after a few moments, but something in you just wanted more. You snake your arms around his neck and pull him back down for more. His hands softly slide down to your back and pull you even closer to him closing any distance left between you. Content in what just occurred you give him a kiss on the cheek and walk off through the halls. Making your way to help Carol with dinner you pass Rick as he gives you a sympathetic look. You smile back to him and slightly nod, your way of saying “ ya… I’m okay”. As everyone sits down to eat dinner you notice Daryl isn’t in sight. Grabbing 2 plates of food you head over to his cell. When you see he isn’t there you bring the plates to Maggie and Glenn and go looking for him. 

“ Hey Rick! Have you seen Daryl?” You ask loudly from up by the building.

“ He told me he was going out to fish.” Carol chimed in.

“ Thank you!” you answer thankful for her

You walk the long path down to the gate and have Carl let you out, then you make your way down to the river. You see Daryl off in the distance sitting on a tree stump with his head in his hands. You slowly walk up to him and clear your throat so he is aware you’re there. He has no reaction, so you walk up to him and place your hand on his back. Which gains you a side glance from his sulking state. You kneel in front of him and he stands abruptly. 

“ Go away” he snaps

“ What?” you say taken aback

“ I said go away little girl.” He starts getting angry

“ What is your issue?” You walk up and place a hand on his cheek, he quickly grabs your wrist a bit too hard. 

“ I just wanna be alone.” He loosens his grip and you see his breathing start to quicken.

“ If this is about Woodbury-” you begin when he whips around to face you

“ You better stop, cause you sure as hell don't know what the fuck you're talking about.” he yells in your face as he drops your wrist.

“ Get over yourself… Seriously. Daryl Dixon has feelings, he’s a human! Big. Fucking. Deal. Quit acting like it’s bad to care about the people we’ve lost and the people we have right up there counting on us.” You yell right back at him.

His whole demeanor changes at this, he turns towards the river and sighs. His shoulders completely go limp and his head drops forward.

“ Everyone looks at me like a goddamn saving grace… I don’t understand why. I can’t help them, I can’t even help you.” He says just above a whisper, as you hear a small whimper escape him. 

You walk up to him and hug him from behind, causing him to let go even more. You walk around him to the front of him and pull him into a hug. You feel his body release all the tension he has pent up and just be okay with someone else being the strong one for once. As he nuzzles his face into your shoulder you hold him tightly.

“ You’re a good man Daryl, you really are. You are kind and skilled and so damn compassionate. You need to stop being the tough guy all the time. It’s okay to let it go and be upset.” you say to him trying to make him understand.

Moving his head away from your shoulder you take his face in your hands and place soft kisses all over. In one quick motion you bring his lips to yours and kiss him passionately. You feel his tongue slide across your bottom lip and you open your mouth for him. He grabs your lower back and presses you against him firmly, feeling your body heat against him. For a few more moments you allow your tongues to fight for dominance until he breaks away and trails kisses from your mouth to your neck. Once he’s there he nibbled and sucks hearing your whimpers and soft cries.

“ Daryl…” you moan softly into his ear

He pulls away to see your innocent eyes meeting his, grabbing his hand you walk back up to the gates. When you finally reach your cell you take a moment to take in the man in front of you, this is the man you’ve dreamed about for so long. After closing the door and hanging the blanket covering it so no unwanted eyes can see, you turn around and Daryl quickly takes you in his arms. Placing a hand behind your head he moves you until you hit the wall behind you. You feel yourself growing more and more turned on as your tongues continue their dance. He moves from your mouth down your neck to your collarbone. Kissing you passionately all the way down.

“ Fuck, Daryl..” You whimper as he allows his hands to explore your body.

“ Are you sure about this? You don’t have to if you aren’t ready.” he says as he pulls away. Looking into your eyes.

“ I’m ready, just make me forget for a while.” You manage to say catching your breath.

“ Anything for you.” He almost purrs into your ear.

He places both hands on your ass with a loud smack as you cry out in pleasure. Picking you up he carries you to your bed and places you down softly. You unconsciously start to palm his cock through his jeans. 

“ Oh, fuck..” he growls in reaction.

You get on the ground and kneel before he grabs your hair and pulls you back up.

“ y/n, today is for you” He grins as he says this knowing he was driving you crazy. 

Reconnecting with his lips he slowly lays you on the bed, lifting your shirt to get access to your breasts and stomach. Your back begins to arch at the feeling of his lips making a trail down your body. You quickly strip off your shirt and bra for him. He slowly unbuttons your shorts and you raise your ass to help him slide them off. Left in only your underwear Daryl stands up and looks at your body, taking in each curve. You close your eyes while you start playing with your breasts and rubbing your thighs together needing some kind of friction to help you release. Watching you do this Daryl needed you even more. He climbed on the bed and spread your legs violently, lightly tracing a finger up and down your clothed folds. Using his thumb on the outside he plays with your clit making you jolt with electric pleasure shooting through you. 

“ You’re so fucking beautiful” Daryl says as he watches you squirm under his touch. Once he has you right on the edge he stops and brings his hand up to your face caressing your cheek with his fingers and rubbing his thumb over your lips. You eagerly take it in your mouth tasting yourself on him. 

“ Holy fuck.” He grabs his cock through his pants while watching you suck on his thumb.

“ Your turn.” you say playfully as you start to unbutton his pants, he takes his shirt and vest off in a matter of seconds. 

You admire the man standing before you, this beautiful man. As your eyes wander around his body you can’t help but stop at his underwear, as he was almost busting out of them. You pull them off of him, gaining a sigh of relief from your lover. He lays you down kissing your clit lightly before sliding your underwear off. He grabs both legs and yanks towards him to get the perfect angle and then lightly begins his torture.

“ Daryl! Fuck, please.” You moan and writhe with every pass of his tongue

“ Please what?” he smiled watching you come undone for him.

“ Please fuck me.” you could barely get the words out before he slipped his middle finger into your core.

“ Anything for my girl.” he says quickly returning to his focus, sucking and licking your clit as he curls his middle finger watching you arch and grab his hair tightly. Slipping another finger in he pulled away and used his thumb on your clit, he comes up and kisses you as you both feel fireworks. 

“ Oh my god Daryl! Yes! Don’t stop!!!” you scream as you feel absolute euphoria washing over you as you reach your climax coming on Daryl's fingers. He pulls them out holding your gaze and sticks them in his mouth, eyes rolling back.

“ Fuck baby, so fucking sweet.” he says growling. You lay down completely just to shoot up in pleasure as he buries his face back down taking in your taste. 

“ I’m not done with you yet.” he sweetly says as he flips you onto your stomach pulling your legs off the bed and raising your hips. He slowly rubs is cock up and down your folds not quite going in.

“ You’re all ready for me baby” he purred into you as he kisses your lower back.

Placing one leg on the bed he slowly pushed himself into your awaiting heat, letting you adjust to his length bit by bit.

“ Oh fuck y/n, you’re so fucking tight.” he moaned loudly.

It didn’t take you long to get used to his cock and start rocking your hips back on him forcing him deeper and deeper into you. You take a while to find your rhythm but as soon as you do you both feel your highs approaching. As he gets close he bends over you grabbing your throat with one hand and holding a hip with the other bringing you into a semi standing position.

“ Ride me baby.” he cries out as he attacks your neck leaving marks to claim you.

“ Oh fuck! I’m close.” You whimper trying to keep the rhythm but as soon as you say that Daryl brought his hand off of your hip and moved it to your clit.

“ Come for me baby, I’m almost there” He sputtered between thrusts. Speeding up the pace.

“Oh shit! Daryl!!!” You moan and yell as you hit your climax once again even harder.

“ I’m close, turn over, I want to watch that pretty little face.” he muttered, flipping you onto your back and reaching his high.

“You’re mine” he said as he rode out the end of his high.

“ For as long as you let me” you reply with a smile.

Daryl scoots onto your bed with you and covers you both up as you slip into blissful sleep, not believing that this whole time you’ve wanted him… and here he is. Even better than you could have ever imagined. Finally seeing each other and expressing your feelings was the best thing to ever happen to you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

y/n! Daryl! Can you come here for a second” Rick calls to you and you turn around to see Daryl behind you.

“ What’s up?” Daryl asks, seeing Rick's demeanor is off.

 “ The Governor said that if we hand over Michonne, he’ll leave us alone.” He says quietly rubbing the back of his head.

“ Ok. You aren’t doing it right?!” You ask, scared of his response.

“ I wasn’t going to, no. I spoke to Merle about it so he knows. I can’t find either of them now.” Rick looks at you with worried eyes.

“ I’m going after him.” Daryl states plainly as he heads to get his weapons.

“ I’m going too.” You chime in as you go to get yours.

Daryl looked at you like you were crazy, but knew he couldn’t stop you. He packed a couple of waters and some food in a bag and met you at the gates. He had you stab any walkers that you encountered to watch and see if you are capable enough to be alone if you need to scout.

“ You're pretty good with that thing you know.” He says as you run up and stab one that was walking towards the road.

“ I learned from the best.” You turn around and walk up to him giving him a peck on the cheek before continuing down the road.

You see Michonne walking towards you and run to her. Hugging her and holding her to you, thankful that your family is alright. Confused you look around for Merle, he is nowhere in sight.

“ He let me go.” she blurts as Daryl walks up.

“ I’ll go find him.” He says while continuing down the road

Michonne heads back to the prison as you turn and catch up with Daryl. Slipping your fingers in between his and gripping his hand tightly. He gives you a smile as you watch the road ahead happy to be in the presence of the man you love.

“ Daryl! I see something!” You say pointing towards a group of shops, hearing walkers all the way from where you were.

Walking up slowly you take your hand back and get ready to fight. You nod to him silently telling him “ I’ve got right here, you go up there”, as you enter the old building. After killing the only walker in there you hear Daryl struggling. You walk out and see Daryl shoving Merle… Walker Merle. You clasp your hand over your mouth and stay back letting Daryl get his anger out. He knocked Merle down and stabbed him in the head, over, and over, and over. You run over and pull Daryl off, for the first time, you see him truly sob. He doesn’t stand up; he just lays down on the ground with his hands on his face. Lowering yourself to him you grab his arm and at the touch of your hand, he sat up and hugged you, still sobbing.

“ Hey. Hey… shhh” you coo into his ear as you sway slowly. 

He starts to tighten his grip on you

“I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” you say as you place kisses on his cheek.

After all this, you lost so many people, good people and not so good. You plan for the next attack but is it worth it? Is this how living will always be?! No… This isn’t living, It’s doing what’s needed to survive.

a/n- that’s a wrap on Pt. 5. I hope y'all nasties enjoyed my first attempt at smut. I really wanted to bring more emotional Daryl, because all I ever see is him without emotion. I will be putting fluff in every part, BUT I will not be forcing smut if it feels inorganic. I know in a  chapter soon I want to put a little of what Norman said on a panel to use. He explained that he feels like Daryl wouldn’t really be the macho type during sex. He’d kinda be uncomfortable and rigid not knowing what to do/feel. Pt. 6 has a LOT in store for you. I am honestly really happy in the direction this series is going.

@aquariusfangirl​ @mysterious-398​ @onlydarylnormanfic​

[sorrynotharry]

You don’t be on here no more and that don’t sit right with me. This was my go to page in 2014-2015. Then you left!!!

Aww hello anon! Thanks!

I am definitely almost always lurking on this page, like a ghost in the night haha, however I know that I’m not nearly as active as I used to be, and I haven’t posted any fic in like.........3 years? Maybe 4? Jeez time really flies!!

I do often get messages like this, usually very sweet anons like you who ask where I went, how I’m doing, saying that they miss the times when my page was more active and I was posting Harry fics pretty much weekly and honestly, I miss it too! It was overall a very positive experience during what ended up being some overall not-very-positive years of my life. 

I’ve wanted to post a little ‘update’ for a while and I think this is as good a time as ever to do that. I’m gonna put it under a cut for 1, length 2, potential triggering content regarding death/grief. So anyway here goes:

This is mainly me kind of going on a reflection rant so it may not make a lot of sense but I’m going to do my best!

So I started this blog in February of 2014, and I think I pretty immediately started posting my writing and to my astonishment I ended up getting lots of new followers and readers really quickly. I was not at all expecting this blog to EVER reach as many people as it has, but I’m so grateful for it. To be honest, of course the 1D fandom can be a complete clusterfuck, but in comparison with other fandoms that I’ve been involved in, this is definitely the one that I felt most “at home” in, and had the most fun being a part of. So so so many of you who are still around to this day (which is incredible to me!) were SO kind to me, so lovely and accepting and supportive of my writing and my little blog corner of the internet and it meant so much to me. There are friends I’ve made through this blog who I still talk to, people who have been there for me when life was really kicking me down the road.

For some context, since the start of this blog, both of my biological parents and my stepfather have passed away. My dad (who I wasn’t super close to but you know, still my dad) passed from cancer in April 2014. My stepfather who I lived with died in June of 2015, also from cancer (if you’ve been on my blog for a while you might remember this, I posted about it because it was very sudden and I was really struggling with it). 

Then, in August of 2017, my mother died. This has been part of the reason I really kind of stopped being active in this blog; I wanted to talk about it, if even just to say that I was going on hiatus or something but my grief has been so powerful that it’s in the last few months that have I felt like I can actually type these words out on here. 

My mom was chronically ill for most of her life, and her health really deteriorated in the last 7-8 years of her life. She was also my best friend and my biggest supporter in everything from the time I was a child. The last 6 years of her life I was her main caregiver with some help from my stepdad - when he died all of her care fell to me to handle on top of grieving him. It was May of 2017 that my mom made the decision to go into hospice (if you don’t know what this means, it basically means she didn’t want to have life-saving treatments anymore and wanted to be allowed to pass away in peace). My sister and I begged her to hold on for a few more months so that we could prepare, get her affairs in order, and be on summer break from school while we accepted the fact that we were losing our last living parent. 

That summer passed in a very weird and painful blur, and honestly I don’t remember much of it, but I remember most the moments in her last weeks when we would just hold each other’s hands and talk, laugh, cry, whatever came up. If you’ve ever begun grieving someone before they even pass, you probably know what I’m talking about. It was in those moments that she very insistently made me promise her that I would keep taking care of my sister (who was only 16 at the time) and graduate college, that I wouldn’t just lay down and give up because she was gone. So I have done my best to honor that promise to her. I quickly got legal guardianship of my sister (she’s an adult now but we still live together and are very close), and less than a month after my mom passed, I was training for a volunteer position at a center on my new college campus which later turned into a paid position. And this past June I graduated!!

If you’re reading this and also class of 2020, you know it’s a sucky year to graduate lol, but I hope you’re able to be proud of your accomplishments because regardless of the circumstances, you still did it! It’s taken me years and years to get my Bachelor’s because of changing my major, having to take breaks due to mental health issues and relocations, and having to take only 2 classes at a time while working 2 jobs. I finally did it and now I have to figure out what my next steps are from here (in the middle of a whole ass pandemic no less, smh!). 

I realize that I just basically wrote a whole essay that I didn’t necessarily mean to, but I promise I’m not saying all of this to make you feel sad for me; I just want you all to understand why my presence has been so sporadic the past few years and I feel like I just have to be honest.

Coming back around to this blog, every once in a while I check my activity and follower count, very much expecting to see naught but 12 bots left and a single tumbleweed blowing across a dry activity page...but that’s never the case. So many of you are still here, I get new followers all the time, my fics and posts still get notes almost every day, and I still get messages like this from people who care about me, who remember the heyday of this blog and miss it.

I’ve said ‘thank you’ to you guys so many times I don’t even dare to count, but really, honestly, truly, thank you. It’s because so many of you are still here, even though it’s been 4 full ass years after I’ve even posted any fic at all, that I haven’t deleted this blog or gone on indefinite hiatus and just archived this blog. 

I can’t promise that I will ever post any new writing again. I still love Harry but it’s almost in a different way...the heart-racing, goosebumps raising, heart-eye inducing giant crush I had on him in the earlier years of this blog has significantly subdued, even though it’s been known to make its presence known from time to time. And I honestly am just a different person in general. You can’t go through stuff like what I described above without changing at least a little bit. 

That being said, I don’t think I’ve written anything that wasn’t a college essay or long-winded work email since I posted my last one-shot on here, which I think was early 2016. I very much miss writing for pleasure, and particularly if anyone remembers the fic ‘On Fire’...that story sits untouched and neglected in my Masterlist, haunting my steps and my dreams, because I had all kinds of grand ideas for it and it was pretty well-received I think! I’ve toyed with the idea of just trying to finish that fic up, if only so I can say that I finished at least ONE multi-chapter fic in my whole life. Again, not making promises, but it’s a possibility. 

Anyhoo, if you have made it this far down on this very long and dramatic post, again I say thank you and bless you! I hope for those of you who have been around for a while (and for that matter those who are newer followers as well, hello!), this provides some clarity and maybe some closure if you were just wondering where the hell I went and what I’ve been up to. I didn’t mean to kind of drop off the face of the earth like I did, it was just how I was dealing with everything at the time. I’m heading into a new chapter of my life now that school is finished, and who knows what that will bring, but for now, I’m still around, and I hope you’re all as safe, healthy, and happy as you can be right now :)

Thank you again and take care <3

[aforgottenballad]

Feelings on Sally Face Episode 5

Under a read more for obvious reasons, includes heavy spoilers and potentially triggering subjects. 

Disclaimer: I might miss-remember some parts of the story or have missed a piece of lore that would settle minor complaints. I am however disappointed in the ending as a whole and in some of the very harmful tropes included in it. But I’m also just some dude online with an opinion, and you can stop reading at any time. 

Rant under cut. 

Alright ya’ll. I’ve had a couple days to digest the ending to Sally Face.  While playing, I genuinely enjoyed some elements of the game. The chapter started on a dark but nearly hopeful note. Neil and Ash were still working to bring the cult down. It seemed likely Sal would be resurrected. Todd had apparently escaped the hospital, and that had potential to be either a very very good or very very bad thing. Maple was possessed by whatever fucked up the souls of the other apartment tenants, but hey! At least her and Neil weren’t in on the cult like so many fans predicted. Unfortunately, this series has a way of getting darker and darker as it progresses.  First thing that bugged me was the lore drop about how the cult was founded.  A Native American tribe. Right. Because why wouldn’t Indigenous peoples be in a story without being part of some mystical occult backstory, portrayed as mysterious historical props who worshiped something dark and evil instead of being portrayed as human beings. 

But I continued. I really enjoyed playing as Ashley and getting some insight into her character. I enjoyed the task of planting the C4 in the temple... catacomb... thing. We get to see Travis again! I was excited that a lot of us were right about him being indoctrinated but also working to fight the cult from the inside. We knew he had some good in him after all. 

When Ash tries to resurrect Sal, we get even more insight into her character, and unfortunately a lot of it is “Grieving, distraught, and full of self-blame”. I want to hug her.  Sal’s spirit is apparently revived by those pyramids, and he can dimension warp. We meet Jim, or what’s left of him, and he doesn’t give a fuck about anything anymore but agrees to help Sal anyway. This is, narratively speaking, weird as hell. His entire character arc for four episodes was “Loved his family so much he sacrificed himself to save them”, and suddenly he’s just some glowy dude attached to Magic Spirit Tubes who doesn’t give half a shit. I guess it makes sense as a way to wrap up why he’s been able to drift between worlds but... if he doesn’t care about any of that anymore why help Sal? And what about Rosenberg? Is she like Jim, or do we just have to assume she’s magical because her family helped found the cult? (Explained in an easter egg later on, because this game doesn’t just drop its lore. Not even the CRUCIAL lore. You have to achievement hunt for it.) Sal can enter various doors in the House In The Void to step into alternate realities, and this was my favorite aspect of the game. Each door has a different art style, and I really liked seeing these alternate realities. Steve probably worked the hardest and longest on drawing out and coding these scenes. I genuinely applaud the man for the work put into this endeavor I’m assuming all by himself. 

Meanwhile, Ash tries to unbind Larry’s soul from the tree house he died in, which doesn’t work. Did we ever find out why his body was never found? No? Ok that seems important.

After each puzzle, Sal’s body is restored a little bit at a time, but even after turning on all the pyramids and solving the mysteries behind all three doors, he can’t make it back to the “real” world. So Ashley kills herself. Or tries to. Because apparently that’s the only way to complete the ritual, and also because she feels really bad about not unbinding Larry’s soul and about not fixing Sal. Again, I want to hug her, but I have to watch her hurt herself instead, cause Steve doesn’t let us have nice things.

Okay, so this is a gorey game. We know. But one of the BIGGEST no-nos suicide prevention networks will tell you when consulting them about mental illness and suicide in media is NOT to show a graphic suicide in progress. Steve is aware a lot of his fans are A) Young teens to young adults B) Struggling with mental illness. 

His main character suffers from depression and anxiety and this fact has resonated with hundreds of fans. It’s irresponsible to purposefully include a graphic suicide attempt, but he did it last chapter, showing a gunshot suicide’s aftermath, then he did it again with Ashley. Call me a wiener if you like, point out the graphic scenes from earlier in the game and call me a hypocrite for not being upset by that, but you have to admit the Spongebob-close-up-shot look to those scenes have a totally different feel. Speaking as someone who actually has a pretty thick skin, but is concerned about the fans who might be in a worse place or who could be as young as 12, that was fucked up. 

Anyway, Ash’s attempt doesn’t take, because she’s struck by magic lightning, which infuses Sal’s soul into her. Now her arm is one of those stretchy sticky hands, but with bio luminescence and the ability to kick cultist ass. I actually thought this part was really cool, and was super ready to go on a cultist smacking spree. But again, we can’t have nice things and before we get to do anything badass we have to look at gruesome imagery again. 

You get to see Void Larry, who is now old and a wizard or something, but first...

Surprise! Maple and Neil are dead! Not just dead, but hung up from hooks covered in blood! And naked! 

Hey?? Hey Steve????? You know how they’re both POC?? And that lynching imagery is EXTREMELY NOT GOOD?!!????

“Two white people are hung up with them” YEAH? WELL WE’VE NEVER SEEN THOSE CHARACTERS BEFORE. THEY’RE JUST RANDOM PEOPLE.

I’ve seen people arguing “The white characters go through terrible things too” but it’s still really fucked up that by the end of the game, every. Single. Person of color. In the game. Has died. Gruesomely. It’s a gorey, dark, bleak game, and white characters die as well, gruesomely; but not all of them. None of them that are named are shown strung up, naked. That’s fucked up. That isn’t okay. 

There are also a total of three gay characters in this game. One is Todd, who goes through the standard “bad bad stuff” the game is used to, is the white one, and he survives. One is Neil, one of the aforementioned people of color who died horribly and who only really existed to be Todd’s boyfriend and therefore a source of angst for Todd when he dies. The third is Travis, another man of color, and an abuse victim, who dies to fulfill his character arc as an abuse victim, which is also really shitty to see over and over again as an abuse survivor. 

Look, I know Steve pulled a lot of inspiration from old TV shows and horror series that probably weren’t all “politically correct”. I know it’s always been kind of an edgy and dark game. I know Steve probably didn’t think about the repercussions of all his narrative choices. But I also know he actively ignored some people offering to educate him on issues he has no experience with. I know he worked hard on this game, by himself, but we as fans have paid him and waited for years and it isn’t selfish or ungrateful to be hurt and disappointed. He knows his audience is diverse, he knows a lot of us were attracted to the game because of a gender nonconforming main character, a main character who struggles with mental illness, a cast that isn’t 100% white and conventionally attractive. Of course he didn’t need to change the plot for us! It’s his game, his vision, but the least he could have done is research how to not actively hurt and alienate a good portion of us.  I don’t think anyone is bad or racist for still finding solace in the characters and in what the story was before this, I’m not attacking you personally, whoever is reading this. I, personally, still have loads of Sally Face art in my queue, I still have active role plays going on, my Sal wig is sitting like 8 feet away waiting for the next time my friends want to take cosplay pictures. I still enjoyed playing the game for the most part. Without this game I wouldn’t even know most of my current friends. It’s just really shitty how it ended like this, and a lot of people I talk to daily either feel too sick to even talk about the game anymore after seeing people like them treated like trash by the narrative or try to focus on the good things they got out of just being part of the fandom but don’t feel comfortable supporting the developer anymore. 

Even if there wasn’t all these hurtful tropes packed into the game, and yes, even after unlocking the epilogue, the game just feels cold. It feels rushed, probably because of how much time went into the alternate dimension gimmick. I wish Steve had at least consulted people over the script. It felt like not only did he pour all his work into experimenting with the mixed media, he also just took whatever expectations the fans had and went somewhere completely different just to have his story be “unpredictable”. That isn’t always a good thing. Plot twists, downer endings, dark and scary imagery, all of these things can be done beautifully, but in this case it felt like he just wanted the series to end. The game didn’t subvert expectations, it fed into the harmful stereotypes and tropes all the fans were so hopeful it wouldn’t. 

...On top of not making any sense unless you’re able to 100% all the puzzles. And even when you do, it feels like all the bad stuff happened for no reason. The ending doesn’t conclude anything. Even when you unlock the epilogue, all it tells you is that a third of the world has died and that the main cast haven’t accomplished much besides “Trying to help”. Sal and Todd have powers now, but that isn’t elaborated on much. Larry’s spirit is missing, if he even exists in any plane at all anymore. It doesn’t even mention what’s going on with Ash.  It just feels like nothing mattered. 

[littleoldrachel]

i am burned out (i smell of smoke) - part two

guys. the response to this has just been. unreal. thank you so much for all of the kindness and support you've shown me and this little fic. i couldn't be more grateful. y'all are wonderful and i don't know why i was so nervous to post in the first place. thank you.

for now, part two! (look, it's gotta get worse before it gets better!!! (it will get better though, i swear))

i am burned out (i smell of smoke) [on ao3]

summary: in which virgil falls apart, learns how to put himself back together, and realises he doesn’t have to do it alone.

word count: 3.6k ish ( part 1/5 | part 2/5 )

warnings: mental health issues

timeline: i suppose this is set in early TAG verse?  jeff is missing and nobody is Coping Well.

happy belated birthday, nutty!! <3

ii. 

He’s not better in the morning. Waking up is an unpleasant experience for Virgil at the best of times, only gratified by a large mug of coffee or the necessity of a rescue, but today - 

Virgil is aware of the heavy weight on his chest before he even opens his eyes. It’s even larger than it was last night, sucking him dry of what little energy sleep has reclaimed. 

Virgil glares down at his chest, half-wishing there was some outwards sign that something is wrong on the skin there. But there are only the same patches of bruises and still healing scars as adorn his whole body. 

He takes a deep breath, and feels the strain of it against this heavy weight. 

Is he getting sick? He can’t be - he’s only just had the flu, dammit! He has a job to do, and Scott will never let him get away with flying Two whilst sick again if their last shouting match about it was anything to go by. 

And even if he were getting sick - which he’s not - that chesty ache is different to this weighty nothingness. Instead of feeling ill, he’s just… tired. 

A Scott-like voice sounds in the back of his head, though it’s far harsher than Scott could ever be: concentrate on your job - on the people who need you.

But it’s right. That’s what he needs to focus on - that’ll be what gets him out of this awful funk. 

(Because that’s all it is. A funk).

(It has to be). 

*

It’s not better the following morning either. Nor the morning after that, no matter how many rescues he pushes himself through.

His go-to coping mechanism has always been music, and so he makes his way to the piano without even bothering to raid the kitchen for breakfast/lunch. He’s not hungry, which should probably trigger alarm bells but he’s too tired to care.

Instead, he plonks himself down on the piano stool, lifts the lid to his precious instrument, and stares at the keys, waiting. 

Only, nothing swells inside of him, desperate to be expressed - no emotion, no thought, nothing. 

Virgil has never been in front of a piano and felt nothing. Even before he could play, the very sight of a piano had him awestruck. He remembers his mother playing L.O.V.E just to make him smile, stressing over his finals with endless Rachmaninoff, and pouring out his grief through his own stormy compositions. The piano is and always has been less of an instrument and more of a mouthpiece, a beating heart, a lonely soul that he has bound to himself. For a child stricken mute by tragedy, a teenager struggling in his siblings’ shadows, an adult who can never save them all, his piano is the best way he’s found to dig those feelings out of himself. 

Scott has always said Virgil feels things too deeply. He’s right - even in this nothing-ness state, the depths of it are chasm-like inside him. 

And so, because he knows Scott would want him to try, Virgil half-heartedly plays the opening melody to one of his most recent compositions - a gentle, comforting little thing - but stops almost at once in frustration. 

He just doesn’t feel like it. 

(The upset this causes him is almost better than the awful emptiness because at least it’s a goddamn feeling).

*

The one place he feels semi-normal is the gym. At least there, he can distract himself with the burn of straining muscles and the clanging of too-heavy weights. 

At first, even the thought of venturing down here and working out is Too Much, and he can’t quite bring himself to do so.

But then - 

The image of a child buried beneath rocks he's too weak to lift propels him forward, a sharp twinge of anxiety in his chest. 

And so he rows until his shoulders are throbbing, pounds the treadmill till he can’t feel his feet anymore, presses weights more suited to the exosuit than a man. 

His whole body is trembling with exertion as he runs through some cool down stretches. As he makes to stand, his vision tips sideways, flecked with dark spots. 

It's a good twenty minutes before he tries again, this time leaning heavily on the weights racks. 

He pushed too hard and he knows it. Thank God his brothers weren't down here to see it or he would be in serious trouble.

But it has helped, at least a little. It quiets the worry in his mind that he's useless and the guilt of lives lost. The endorphins of exercise lessen the load on his chest momentarily and though he hurts all over, he'd rather this physical pain than the ache of feeling nothing at all. 

*

Virgil hasn't drawn anything in weeks now, despite the not-so-subtle hints from John that he would really, really like something new for his room on Five (and honestly sending Virgil breathtaking photos of double-ringed galaxies would usually have him mixing up colours at once). 

He wants to draw John something - heck, he just wants to draw something. Or maybe, he wants to want to draw something, but every time he sits down with a sketchpad or canvas, his mind empties and his heart is tired.

Like now, curled up in the window seat of his room with a pencil and pad in hand. It's been well over an hour and the page is still glaringly blank, both physically and mentally. 

A knock at his door startles him, and Alan's head pokes round it. "Hey, Virg, you busy?"

Virgil throws the pad and pencil aside, almost grateful for the distraction from his utter failings as an artist. "Never too busy for you, Allie, what's up?"

"Oh wait, you were drawing?!" Alan hurries over, reaching for the pad. "That's great, it's been ages - can I see?"

He turns over the pad before Virgil can stop him and deflates. "Oh."

"Sorry, Alan," Virgil says, tugging the pad back so that he doesn't have to see the disappointed worry in Alan's eyes. "Waiting for inspiration to strike."

"Oookaaay," Alan says slowly, "but if you're busy, you should have said... It's fine if you are! I can ask John instead. Or Brains."

"I'm not busy, honestly. What is it you need?"

Alan looks torn. "But your art time is so important to you.. and you haven't had time in weeks."

Virgil sighs, "it's not that I haven't had time. I just don't feel like it at the moment." He means it to be reassuring - confirmation that whatever Alan needs is more important than doing fuck-all - and it's the most honest he's been in weeks. 

But instead, Alan looks even more worried. "You don't feel like it? … why not?" 

Shit. It's easy to forget with King Smother Brother in the building that his younger brothers have learned from the best. Virgil doesn't know what to do. There's no way in hell he's spilling how horrible he feels all over his littlest brother. And so he does something that will only make him feel worse in the long run but that might disperse the concern in Alan's eyes. 

"I mean… I wanted it to be a surprise," Virgil says slowly, hating himself for the way Alan brightens at his lies. "But I've been working on something special for John's birthday."

Alan beams and it's almost worth the guilty squirm in Virgil's chest. "Can I see?!" 

"No, no, it's - it's not ready yet." Or started, planned, conceptualised… he's gonna have to get his shit together to fix this lie. 

"Okay, okay. Aw man, I can't wait to see it, Virg!" 

The guilt only swells, and with it, anxiousness. "What was it you needed, Allie?"

"Oh! Right, yeah, it's Physics."

Virgil blinks. "Isn't John your go-to guy for that?"

Alan bites his lip. "Yeah, but you have an Engineering degree. And also…" Alan sighs and flops down on Virgil's bed. "I don't get it and John's great except he doesn't get why I don't get it and-"

"Say no more." Virgil has himself been on the receiving end of John's frustrated rants; not only did he have to bear the humiliation of asking his younger brother for help, but he came away from it feeling even more stupid and hopeless. Thankfully, he'd had a Jeff to explain it to him in terms he could understand - it's a choking grief when Virgil realises that Alan doesn't have that same luxury. 

"It's this equation," Alan is saying, dragging Virgil back to the present. "I just don't get it."

A glance at the page and Virgil feels much steadier. He knows physics, and for once, this is a situation where he can help without failing anyone. 

*

Both on rescues and at home, Virgil has always been the focused, steady rock upon which his brothers can ground themselves. And he's still that, even worn out and perpetually empty, it's just a little harder to maintain it. He's vaguely aware that he's sort of falling apart and he should probably tell someone, even if it means Gordon will be flying his precious 'bird for a while. But the larger part of him is still working to convince himself that he's fine, because he should be fine.

The facade slips a couple of times and each time there's a cost that leaves Virgil so angry at himself, at his uselessness that he can't bear to face anyone. 

Scott watches his usually perfect aim fail three times in a row, and is forced to launch himself out of Thunderbird One to fire his own grappling hook. It takes on the first go because he's Scott fucking Tracy, but they’re too close to the ground thanks to Virgil's ineptitude and there's blood everywhere - oh God, it's everywhere - and Virgil is left with shaking hands staring at the man whose wounds Scott is desperately trying to plug.

John hears when he blacks out momentarily in the tunnel system beneath Mexico City. It's just a temporary dizziness from the heat of the packed soil (is what he's telling John, even though he doesn't remember the last time he ate, and forces himself to choke down an energy bar in guilt) but it distracts his brother from wherever else he is needed and Virgil hates himself for it.

Gordon is the one who wakes him sweating and yelling from a nightmare. There's such worry in his younger brother's face as he asks about the dream, but Virgil can't bring himself to explain that it was his father going up in flames over and over, as it has been for months now. A week later, when it's Scott's face replacing Jeff Tracy's, Virgil wakes to a panic attack, but Gordon is nowhere to be found. 

Alan seizes his arm at a landslide in south Wales, drags him to a man who is pale, sweating, clutching his broken leg, and Virgil goes into medic mode at once. Bind the leg, treat for shock, arrange transport to the nearest hospital.

Except the man never makes it to the hospital.

Because there’s a hard, swollen bruise up his ribcage that should have indicated internal bleeding. And he didn’t spot it - why didn’t he spot it? He has one job: help people, and he can’t even fucking do that right. The man dies on the way to the hospital, and Virgil can’t breathe. Alan tries - bless his good, generous soul - to reassure him, reminding him that there’s relatively little they can do for internal bleeds, they aren’t equipped for that kind of injury, but Virgil pushes him away with a roughness he’ll later regret.

He’s falling apart and this feeling wasn’t supposed to affect rescues, it wasn’t supposed to be a problem he actually had to face. This wasn’t supposed to happen, why did this happen, why, why, why - 

*

Scott is the one who drags him away from his bedroom, where he’s taken to moping alone. 

He doesn’t even knock, simply sweeping through the door in shorts and a tank top, trainers dangling by the laces. “Right, get changed, we’re going on a run.”

Virgil, who hasn’t moved (can’t move) from his bed since getting back from a rescue a few hours earlier, glares up at him. “Nope.”

“Move it.”

“Make me.”

Scott narrows his eyes. “You know I can.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

Virgil regrets the words the second they leave his mouth, because no way in hell does he have the energy to wrestle with Scott right now, but his older brother does something much, much worse. 

He tickles him. 

Virgil goes into survivor mode: kicking, flailing, shoving Scott away all whilst breathlessly begging him to stop. When Scott finally relents, Virgil flops back on his bed, panting. 

“I - hate you.” 

“I know,” Scott says cheerfully. “Now, get dressed.”

They begin on Scott’s usual circuit across the beach, chasing the trail up under canopies of forest, and then break away to run alongside the cliff-edges. Most of the heat of the day has faded with the sun, but it’s still warm enough that they’re both sweating by the end of the ascent. Scott pauses at the crest of the cliff and stands silhouetted against the sunset. Virgil slows to a halt next to him.

"What's wrong?" Scott says suddenly and Virgil almost flinches.

"Nothing," he says. It's enough of a half-truth that he doesn't even feel guilty at the frustration in Scott's eyes. 

Scott stares at him. "Please don’t lie to me, Virg. Are you getting sick? Are you injured?”

“What - no, I’m not - I’m not lying -”

“Because I swear, if you ever pull that ‘pushing through pneumonia for the mission’ bullshit again, I will ground you for life-”

“Scott, I’m not sick!”

“Come on, Virg, you’ve always been a shit liar.”

“I’m not lying!”

“Then what’s going on with you?! This is your favourite route." He sweeps a hand over the view of endless ocean, soaked pink and gold beneath the setting sun. "Normally you're urging us to get back so you can get it all down on a canvas, and today, you haven’t even noticed. Please, Virg?” Scott takes a step towards him, resting a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. Talk to me?”

The unbridled concern in Scott’s tone hurts and Virgil simultaneously wants nothing more than to fix it and to stop being its cause. 

Except that - he's fine, he's okay, he's coping with whatever this is. And he doesn't even know what this is so he would rather set himself on fire than trigger another of his brother's nightmares.

“I’m okay, Scott, really.” Scott shakes his head and Virgil doubles down. “I am, I’m just tired.” (So tired, so fucking tired but no amount of sleep seems to help). “It’s been a crazy couple of months.”

Scott frowns, and Virgil forces himself not to cringe at the intensity of his brother’s stare. This feeling is shaping him up to be a damned good liar, and Virgil hates it.

“You have been looking tired,” Scott says eventually, and Virgil sighs internally. “Do I need to give you leave to rest up - and tell me the truth, Virg, I swear to God -”

“No, no.”

Don’t leave me alone with this feeling and nothing to distract from it. 

“Swear it?” 

Virgil nods and watches the relief bloom in his brother’s eyes. He almost doesn’t hate himself for it, because he’s trying his damnedest to convince himself that he is fine, even though it’s becoming increasingly apparent he’s really, really not. But he doesn’t know how to explain how empty and tired and fragile he feels, and so he can’t.

“No more skipping family dinners though, Virg. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you aren’t around at mealtimes lately, I miss you.”

*

The thing is, he's just not hungry anymore - not for Scott's special blueberry pancakes, nor for authentic Italian pizza from his favourite restaurant courtesy of Gordon on the way home one day. He's especially not hungry for Grandma's (literal) rock cake, no matter how hurt she looks by his rejection. 

Virgil knows he's losing weight - he can feel it in the looseness of his uniform around his limbs and in how he has to cinch his belt a little tighter than before. He also knows that in intensifying his workouts, he should be increasing his intake to match. 

He’s also not sleeping - or at least, not sleeping restfully. His nights are riddled with horrific dreams that he wakes from in a panic, or he spends hours unable to switch his mind off for all the terrible thoughts echoing round it. 

The thing is - he can't quite bring himself to care about it all. He’s finding it so hard to care about anything at all (besides his family and the rescues, of course, though even these are draining him beyond all reason), least of all himself. 

*

After one sleepless night, Virgil wanders aimlessly through the house in the groggy rays of the rising sun. Scott will already be on his morning run and Gordon will be halfway through his pre-breakfast swim. And Virgil -

He should be in bed, dead to the world, only to be woken up under dire circumstances or so help me, Gordon - 

Instead, he finds himself in front of his piano. It’s been long enough that a film of dust has settled atop the lid, and he traces his finger through it absently, then decides to try. For Scott, if not for himself (definitely not for himself).

He rifles through boxes of sheet music waiting for something to grab him. When nothing inevitably does, he snatches up whatever’s sticking out sideways, and begins to play. The notes are familiar enough that he closes his eyes, waiting to lose himself in the melody.

But that tug never comes. 

Virgil finishes the piece just as empty and useless and tired as he started it, and opens his eyes to see Gordon standing there, toast in hand.

“Morning,” Gordon says grinning wickedly. “Long time, no see, Mr Piano Man.”

“Hey,” Virgil says quietly, filing the sheet music away again. He’s not in the mood for Gordon’s joviality right now - then again, when is he ever these days? He feels guilty for thinking it at once. 

“What’s wrong?” Gordon demands, his eyes narrowed. He leans across the piano and Virgil glowers at those buttery fingers.

“If you get grease on my piano, Gordon, you won’t live to regret it.”

“Sheesh. Someone got out of bed on the wrong side this morning. But seriously, what’s up?”

“Gordon. I mean it.”

Gordon rolls his eyes so hard it must physically hurt him to do so, but raises his hands in surrender. “Fine. Now will you talk to me?”

Virgil looks down at the keys. “Why would anything be up?”

“Well,” Gordon says slowly, “numero uno, I don’t remember the last time I got to have crunchy peanut butter on toast, which means you’re not eating us out of house and home, which is Highly Suspicious Behaviour. Y dos, you only play that when you’re feeling down.”

“I’m surprised you remember that,” Virgil says, caught off guard enough that he doesn’t even attempt to deny it.

“I listen,” Gordon says indignantly. “Chopping is what you play when you feel sad.”

“Chopin.”

“Bless you.”

Virgil half-smiles, in spite of himself. He doesn’t remember the last time he smiled. 

And there’s a moment, where he thinks: tell him, tell him there’s this horrible feeling inside of you and you’re afraid it’s going to swallow you whole, and he’s going to - he wants to - he means to, but-

“I’m okay, Gords, honest. Just nostalgic.”

Gordon looks at him with eyes far older than his years. “You know it’s okay if you’re not okay though, right?”

“Sure.”

“I mean it, Virg. You’re always here for us. Let us be here for you too, yeah?”

There’s a lump in his throat and Virgil can’t trust himself to speak, so he nods vigorously instead. His brother looks uncharacteristically sad as Virgil makes his excuses to hurry off to the gym and it hurts, all these lies hurt, he’s hurting so much.

He’s just dropped the weight when the floor lurches beneath him and he staggers. 

Hm. Low blood sugar. 

The medic in him is furious at himself, but that guy is also buried beneath a thick layer of exhausted indifference, impenetrable sadness and an overwhelming nothingness. 

And so, Virgil does what he does best. He keeps going.

Keeps going through the motions of gym, rescue, take care of brothers, rescue, repairs, sleep, gym, rescue, because what else can he do? 

*

Until he can’t.

There’s a day that dawns bright and beautiful like every single goddamn day on their tropical island. The birdsong is melodic, the butterflies are a tapestry of colour, the sea sparkles beneath lazy golden rays. 

And Virgil can’t get out of bed. 

Not won’t, not doesn’t want to - physically cannot. 

The weight on his chest has finally become heavy enough that it pins him beneath his covers and he cannot shake it off. Every single particle of the emptiness inside him has insidiously become a despair so absolute and almighty that Virgil cannot bear it inside of him but is powerless to get it out. It’s the worst feeling he has ever known - worse than watching his mother die before his eyes, worse than his father turning away from him in his own grief, worse than trying to keep a splintered family together with frayed nerves and a broken heart. He’s not okay. He’s falling apart. 

It’s the first time he’s allowed himself to accept these as facts, rather than fears.

But the realisation only makes him feel even more alone. 

[leviticus101st]

Let’s start with the obvious things to say. Sozin’s Comet is one of the highest points of the entire series.

Zuko’s arc has a very satisfying ending with him and Iroh finally reunited with that hug. That scene was very emotional and powerful.

I don’t have an issue with Zuko not finishing off Azula. He showed that he was better than her by defending Katara and Katara healing him showed that he was better off.

Katara getting to beat Azula was a really good scene. Just seeing her be able to beat Azula is a treat for me.

Azula’s breakdown is probably my favorite part of the entire finale. While it is a shame the Dai Li didn’t get the chance to do much in Book 3, it is such a very well written breakdown.

You see how Ty Lee and Mai betraying her impacted her and that is really good stuff. When she starts crying after Katara beats her is just a really good tear jerking moment.

The White Lotus...were there and did something that was ultimately kinda pointless.

I’m of two minds about Sokka, Toph, and Suki’s plot. It wasn’t bad. There were some good scenes and action.

The ending gives off a real triumphant feeling and it’s great.

It’s time to talk about the elephant in the room. I made it the point of the parody, so let’s just rip the bandage off.

I hate the plot with Aang not wanting to kill Ozai. The Lion Turtle Energy Bending thing is a massive Deus Ex Machina. I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but it just comes right out of nowhere.

They establish that the Lion Turtles exist previously, but it was such a small note that I completely forgot it was there until my rewatch. Even then, they never say they could do that.

Let’s not forget that Aang in the Book 1 finale DROWNED, which is a horrible way to die, a crap ton of guys. And yeah, good on them for changing it in Korra to be sending them to the spirit world, but that was years later. (Heck, even then we don’t see the other soldiers in the mist that Zhao was trapped in.)

So the whole ‘I can’t kill’ thing comes across as kind of hypocritical.

In case you want to make the argument that he was in the Avatar State when that happened as not counting, he was in the Avatar State when he was about to kill Ozai and he stops himself.

Let’s talk about my biggest problem with it. It’s just one question.

Why did killing Ozai come up at all?

No, I want a good answer for that. Why does Aang think he needs to kill Ozai?

Nobody ever brought up that possibility before, so why now?

Aang was about to attack Melon Lord and stopped himself.

The best I can think of is the mere thought of the possibility brought it all up, but that’s just speculation on my part.

What doesn’t help is that nobody says no. They all say ‘Yeah, you’ve got to kill him!’ WHY?! Why can’t you just throw him into a freezer?! I’m sorry, but this plot just feels so contrived.

I know we all make jokes about Toph and Koyshi being bloodthirsty killers, but Sokka and Zuko are just trigger happy about it.

Why does nobody think to lock him up?

This brings me to my big problem with Fire Lord Ozai as a villain.

What is so special about this royal asshole? Everyone in the series makes a huge deal about how mega super awesome this guy is, but there’s no actual reason for us, the audience, to get that impression that he’s that powerful.

It feels like they wanted to do what Dragon Ball did for Freeza, but they couldn’t show him being powerful.

He is a rich asshole, never fought a single fight in his life (They say he never left the palace), and nothing about his fighting style is really that different from Zuko and Azula. If anything, his fighting style is more thuggish from what I’ve noticed.

I feel like they should have had a special power for the Fire Lord. Like his crown gives him power, there is an elixir, or a special fighting style he’s taught in.

There is nothing about Ozai that makes him feel like that much of a threat to anyone but Azula and Zuko. And I say Azula and Zuko because he’s an abusive asshole.

There’s nothing about him that’s different from the other people the Gaang has taken down and it makes the plot of Aang not wanting to kill him feel hollow.

It’s why I think Azula should have been the main villain. She’s more interesting, more dangerous, and unique. She also has a more emotional core to her.

While we’re on this train of unpopular opinions, I hate the fight between Aang and Ozai.

It’s clearly trying to be like the big epic final battle, but there’s just nothing to this fight.

The spectacle is fantastic, it’s really well animated, and it looks cool.

My problem with it is that Ozai is a BORING villain. He has about twenty lines throughout the entire show and he doesn’t have a personality.

He’s just evil mcevil pants in a series that’s usually pretty nuanced with it’s villains. With that, the fight is not interesting. It’s just a curbstomp by Ozai until the Avatar State kicks in. This actually does remind me of an anime fight. Gohan VS Cell from DBZ.

I don’t just say that because I'm a DB fan. Thematically, they are very similar.

Both have a hero who doesn’t want to fight/kill the villain, both have the characters around the hero telling him they need to kill the villain, and they both have a transformation that beats the villain or at least over powers them.

The difference is that the characters could have their characters in Gohan VS Cell, while here the characters don’t interact.

Outside of Aang’s little rant after he goes into the Avatar State, there isn’t any actual dialogue in the fight.

Speaking of the Avatar State, that’s another problem I have with this finale. Too much Deus Ex Machina.

First, Aang gets to not kill people with the turtle. Second, Aang hits a rock that just so happens to be the same shape as the hole in his back and that turns the Avatar State on..somehow.

It just feels so out of nowhere that it is noticeable. 

But despite these problems I have with it, I still think that this finale is great. I’ve stated the reasons I feel that way, but it is a good ending and I love it.

This whole series is beautiful and amazing.

I’ll be talking about Korra soon and I look forward to it. I love this franchise.

Take care everybody.