#I think he has bad enough taste that he would genuinely enjoy the stuff

[sourkitsch]

ok it’s time for bed when you’ve written & drafted 3 separate posts about your favorite fictional guy eating kosher hotdogs

[gallusrostromegalus]

How does each of the main aeiwam cast react to spiders?

Ichigo: "...Why's my leg itchyyYEAUGH! DAMMIT!" *scoops spider up in piece of paper, opens window and throws it out* "OUTSIDE! SHOO! I hate it when they sneak up and on me...

Orihime: Had an intense close personal friendship with a Joro Spider that had made it's web on her apartment balcony when she was six. It's death at the end of summer was her first real experience with mortal loss, and she mourned it for weeks. She still recalls "Joro-San" fondly.

Uryuu: Secretly dreams of Spiders large enough to spin actual ropes of silk- the stuff is a marvel of chemical engineering, and would be incredibly useful to him as a Doctor or Fashion Designer. He feels like the difficulty of harvesting Spidersilk is the main thing holding back a Golden age of Humanity, and is disturbed to find out he shares ANY opinion with Mayuri Kurotsuichi.

Tatsuki: Paralyticly Phobic of spiders. Understands and appreciates their importance in the ecosystem, knows they can't hurt her and that the phobia is an irrational reflex, and even thinks some of them 'look cool as hell'. The second there's a live one in her presence, she locks up and can't move until someone removes it. (Usually Ichigo, because Orihime will just stare at it, fascinated).

Chad: Has a Pet Kitchen Spider. thought about shooing flies in it's direction, then felt bad for the flies.

Kon: Is a cat, hunts them, and will have nuanced discussions about how different spiders taste with Yuzu, the one person who will tolerate that analysis.

Keigo: Screams theatrically and jumps away and into someone's arms if they're there, but that's just how he reacts to anything that startles him.

Mizuiro: Fascinated by them, will stare at them with Orihime and tell her fun facts about Joro-Gumo Yokai and other lore, which delights her to no end.

Yoruichi: Like Kon, enjoys toying with them before eating them.

Urahara: Curled into the farthest corner, screaming, crying, throwing up, and begging Yoruichi to STOP FUCKING AROUND AND GET RID OF IT!

Rukia: *entirely genuine, with a huge spider crawling on top of her hair* "...what Spider?"

(Seireitei Squad Under The Cut)

Yamamoto: Utterly fails to notice or care. There are so many things he's seen that are so much worse, and honestly? Even when he was a young man he didn't give a shit. He slept rough delivering messages, waking up in the dirt with half a dozen bugs on him was normal.

Sasakibe: Thinks they're delightful. So many elegant designs! Such perfect sense of when to strike! Such patience! He finds out about Diving Spiders and goes Ape Shit. THEY MAKE THEIR ON SCUBA TANKS!!

Soi Fon: Spiders are cool but not as cool as wasps and hornets :)

Omaeda: Also has a Pet Kitchen Spider, but does not feel bad about shooing flies into it's web at all.

Gin: Isn't actually sure what spiders are, or if they're even real. He's seeing sixteen dimensions at once, something that minuscule gets lost in the noise. Still thinks that someone Screaming "SPIDER!" and everyone flailing around in fear or suddenly attacking the walls and furniture is a social game like "The Floor Is Lava"

Rose: Thinks they're cool right up until they're in his personal space and then they are VERY SCARY.

Izuru: Was the designated spider-wrangler for the third from the first day he transferred in, because everyone else is a huge bitch about them. he plays it cool, but he's actually creeped out by the really big ones.

Unohana: Spiders are garden Friends :) often heard verbally encouraging them to destroy her garden pests with calls of "GET HIS ASS!" coming from the Hydrangeas.

Isane: Everyone is sort of surprised how chill Isane is about dealing with spiders- even Yamada's Actually Dangerous Specimens- and she shrugs and tells them that she deals with more dangerous things every day, especially over in Pharmacology. It keeps the focus off the Bug she's actually terrified of: Butterflies.

Hanataro: Do Not Ask The Head Of Toxicology And 11th Division Pocket Medic About Spiders Unless You Are Prepared For A Seven-Hour Lecture With A Pop Quiz At The End.

Aizen: HUGE fan of Spiders. What splendid creatures- look at how carefully the spider selects the anchor points of it's web, the skillfulness with which it weaves. Such incredible patience, waiting for the lines of tension it's woven to snare it's game- though I suppose such patience is easier when the fly's capture is inevitable >:)

Shinji and Hiyori: *Screaming and flailing, hitting things at random (mostly each other) in a blind panic, because they share a braincell and that cell is TERRIFIED of spiders* "It's so fast!" "It was huge! It had to be a tarantula!" "We should burn the division down, just to be sure."

Momo: Escorted the little garden spider outside in a cup like ten minutes ago, and forgot about it because that's such a routine chore, and she was having a more important phone call at the time.

Byakuya: Rarely notices spiders, but sometimes one will scuttle across his desk and he'll stop to watch it for the seven minutes it takes to actually cross his desk with a neutral expression, before resuming whatever he was doing. It's a pleasant diversion for him, not unlike watching the koi fish swim around in the compound pond, and he resumes his duties feeling spiritually refreshed by that chance encounter with nature.

Renji: Not bothered by Spiders. VERY Bothered by his Boss's fucking peculiar-ass reaction to a spider wandering across his desk because to Renji, it looked like Byakuya had never actually seen a spider before and was staring at it with an expression that indicated his higher brain functions had ceased entirely. Is currently making plans to study "The Captain Kuchiki Spider Brain Glitch" by catching a bunch of spiders in a jar and releasing them into his office to see what happens.

Komamura: He's particularly fond of Jumping spiders, because they sing little songs while hunting that he can hear if it's really quiet. They're very cute. Gets very upset when people kill spiders or talk about killing them.

Iba: Not afraid of spiders but doesn't know what to do when they're in his way. Killed one in front of Komamura once when he was a little kid and Komamura was still his babysitter, Sajin gave him a huge and very upset lecture about respecting life in all it's forms... but did not actually teach Iba how to remove them. So every time he sees one he sorta stands there for a minute and hopes it will move, before yelling "BOSS!"

Shunsui: Does not want to admit how much Spiders freak him out. It's not fear, precisely- more of a disgust reaction. All bugs make his skin crawl and he understands how important they are, but can they do all that ecology stuff Far Away From Him, Please And Thank You?

Nanao: Like Unohana, reveres spiders as pest control. She takes it a step further, and actively collects Jumping Spider egg sacs as she finds them in the archives and tends to them over winter so when early spring comes, she can release several hundred thousand spiderlings into the archives to destroy the mites, bookworms, moth larvae and other archive pests before they can get a foothold. She usually does this while dumping out the entire terrarium and cackling manically.

Lisa: Immediately joins in on Nanao's Spider Propagation Project, much to Shunsui's horror.

Tousen: If there is a sudden shriek and burst of profanities and hexes in the ninth division, 90% chance it's because Kaname walked into a spider web again, his LEAST favorite texture in the Universe. Yes, including the curse nails. He'd keep them in his spine if it meant he'd never walk into another spiderweb.

Kensei: Often cracked open a beer while watching the evening news during his exile in the living world. Sometimes it was several beers, or something stronger if he'd had a rough day. One night, it was a bottle of Fireball as he watched the news, and felt too intoxicated to change the channel from the newshour, so he kept watching when PBS Nature came on, and damn near pissed himself laughing when he saw the Peacock Spider's Mating Dance. Full on Howling, tears streaming down his face, barely able to breathe, Pterodactyl-noises laughing. Nothing has been funnier before or since to him, so now whenever he sees a spider he starts guffawing and stop to explain WHY.

Shuuhei: Deeply confused by the fact spiders keep coming indoors. "Why are you all here?" he asks, doing a cobweb patrol with the broom before his boss gets back from the inter-division meeting. "What are you eating? Crumbs? Lint? Is it Lint you eat?"

Mashiro: Has a grasshopper-type Zanpakuto who is not a fan, so she attempts to destroy any spider she sees in solidarity. Usually misses and destroys something else.

Matsumoto: Spiders are cool, but not as cool as snakes :)

Hitsugaya: Grew up on a farm, and shares Momo's total non-reactivity to them. It's even deeper, because his constant ambient chill means spiders never climb on him if they can't help it.

Zaraki: Used to agitate Yumichika and Ikkaku by eating them. Now he agitates them by wandering off the trail during 11th Division Boot Camp or other deployments and coming back with extremely dangerous ones and handing them to Hanataro "fer yer collection". The 11th Division's Pocket Medic has explained toxicology at length to him, and now Zaraki thinks of various medicines as "Spider Pills" and "Scorpion Juice".

Yachiru: Still eats spiders. She's the sole exception to the Wrath of Komamura, because there is no malice or fear in her actions- it's perfectly natural and morally upstanding Carnivory. The rest of you are being irrational and jerks.

Ikkaku: Sometimes regrets his life choices when he sees the freak he's sworn loyalty to walk out of the trees with something venomous enough to kill half the gotei-13 with a single bite crawling over his face, then realizes that's FUCKING BADASS and is assured that he made the right choices.

Yumichika: *currently sneaking up behind Ikkaku with a fake spider on a string to affectionately terrorize him*

Mayuri: Unlike Uuryu, Mayuri isn't a Weenie, and he's making his dreams of Milkable Spiders the Size of Cattle a reality.

Nemu: Helping with that. This one is hers. She named it #47, after it's designation, Specimen Number 47.

Ukitake, *entirely genuine, with a huge spider crawling across his forehead* "...There's a spider in here?"

[tossawary]

When writing fanfiction, there are a lot of unknowns surrounding Mobei-Jun that I answer based on what I think is compelling, funny, and/or contrasts well against SQH | Airplane Bro. (Sometimes, based on what contrasts interestingly and/or hilariously against Luo Binghe or Shen Qingqiu.) The choices I make for MBJ also depend on what suits that particular story.

An interesting question: "What kind of literature does Mobei-Jun like?" He's Airplane Bro's Ideal Man / Dream Guy! It's fun to think about what Mobei-Jun's relationship might be to fiction.

One choice that I've pulled a few times now is having Mobei-Jun be functionally illiterate, mostly because I think that situation is an interesting / amusing contrast to the guy who technically wrote the world into existence. Airplane Bro was cranking out thousands of words per day to eat, selling out his honest passion for literature, and Mobei-Jun can't / doesn't read.

There are lots of different potential reasons for this! Maybe Mobei-Jun is dyslexic. Maybe he desperately needs reading glasses and doesn't realize it. (Yes, maybe half of his glaring is just squinting.) Maybe his education was really bad because his family tried to murder him too many times. Maybe he just doesn't have any interest in fiction or in reading as a hobby in general, because paper / writing is rare in the Demon Realm for a variety of reasons and he's been busy building more relevant skills.

(Airplane Bro is shocked and offended, yes, but mostly because Mobei-Jun somehow successfully hid being unable to read from him for two or more decades. All of those "you read it" and "you write it" orders suddenly make so much sense.)

Another direction for "Mobei-Jun's relationship to media" that I've been enjoying lately as a premise is that Mobei-Jun is the sort of person who would have genuinely enjoyed "Proud Immortal Demon Way". But, like, in a weird way. Like, maybe Mobei-Jun isn't there for the women or the power fantasy, but he's fascinated by the cage of dissatisfaction, misery, and cruelty that the protagonist is building around himself using empty pleasures and merciless vengeance. Mobei-Jun is there for the tragedy. Everyone else in the comments section would think that he's a weirdo for different reasons, including Airplane Bro, but Mobei-Jun is (by accident) operating on a level where he sees the vision.

Alternate direction on "Mobei-Jun would like PIDW, actually": maybe he would like it because he actually loves trashy drama and stupid catfights. He's there for the comedy. He grew up in an environment where his father stole his uncle's wife and his own uncle tried to kill him multiple times, after all. In PIDW itself, right-hand man Mobei-Jun somehow successfully suffered years upon years of Luo Binghe's harem nonsense, and maybe Mobei-Jun was having the time of his life watching Sha Hualing start shit in the harem, actually!

Maybe in a Modern AU, Airplane Bro would try to sound intelligent and cultured by talking to his rich boss / boyfriend about classy literature, only to find out that Mobei-Jun basically only watches reality television competitions where people are constantly trying to tear each other's hair out for money. If people aren't screaming in each other's faces over a spilled glass of wine, throwing plates at each other over a stolen boyfriend or a ruined wedding, or backstabbing each other via wardrobe sabotage to get ahead, then Mobei-Jun is bored. Fighting matches or extremely dangerous sports are also fine, though, sure. (Airplane Bro doesn't like any of this stuff. He's a fantasy novel guy. He has no idea how to react to this.)

Another funny direction for "Mobei-Jun's relationship to media" is that maybe "Proud Immortal Demon Way" wouldn't actually be weird ENOUGH for Mobei-Jun's tastes. Maybe Mobei-Jun would be like that guy who claims "if I can guess the twist, then it's not suspense - suspense is when I don't know what's going to happen next, period" and reads long-running, amateur, foreign, abstract web-novels that he has to put through an online translator himself. Maybe in a Modern AU with this opinion, Mobei-Jun loyally watches telenovelas and Bollywood soap operas. Airplane Bro comes into the room and says, "Wow, not even any subtitles? You can understand what they're saying?" and Mobei-Jun says sincerely, "No. You have to figure out what's happening without them. This is the intended viewing experience."

[ot3]

Hi, I just finished the AA trilogy with my bf and we fell in love with it! I found your blog the other day, and it sometimes feels like you're the only one giving correct takes on these characters' writing and the minutiae of everyone's inner worlds (or the fumbling of, see Godot).

I just got here, but, something that's been bothering me about the fandom's approach to the sequel trilogy is like... the imperialist undertones are glossed over, or swept under the rug. Researching "The Dark Age of the Law" and beyond puts a sour taste in my mouth. And with Khura'in the country vs Kurain the village? It all feels racist at best (the concept of the Divination Seance gives me squick). If you have the time, I'd love to hear your thoughts about AA5 and AA6 in relation to the world of AA as a whole. Thanks again for all of your thoughtful and nuanced takes on this series!

so glad to hear you guys liked the games!! thank you for enjoying my posts, i always appreciate it.

the tl;dr of it is that i do think they are genuinely bad enough additions to the franchise that they have signed mainline ace attorney's death warrant. picking out the dark age of the law stuff and aa5 and the imperialism in aa6 you've pretty much honed right in on my two biggest critiques

however i do want to say that although they're being bundled and sold as a 'second trilogy' that's not quite accurate either experientially when playing the games or from a development perspective. aa4 had scenario design/creative direction by series creator shu takumi, with the art director being kazuya nuri (responsible for character design for rise from the ashes in the series previous to this); aa5+6 was spearheaded by takeshi yamazaki, who had been with the franchise since its first game, with the slightly less tenured takuro fuse on art direction/character design. yamazaki and fuse are not without skill, but i think they're both significantly less skilled than takumi and nuri respectively and. it really shows.

pair that with the fact that aa5 and 6 fundamentally do not follow up on any of ace attorney 4's established characters or plots more than superficially, i don't think it's particularly useful to critique 4-5-6 as if they're a single body of work in the same way the trilogy is. apollo justice isn't a perfect* ace attorney game but it's a good one.

anyway i think buying into the 'dark age of the law' stuff in ace attorney 5 necessitates cheapening all of the events preceding it. the implication that 1. the law wasn't that bad before but it Is Now and 2. a single case was the tipping point for whether or not the entire legal system would be bad just ruins the times when ace attorney has managed to acknowledge corrupt systems as a massive source of problem for the everyman in the past

i think this screenshot from the dark age of the law wiki page says a lot:

For starters, that phoenix quote. He would not fucking say that. I don't think there has ever been a point during or leading up to phoenix's career where he thought the legal system had 'glory' he would then want to restore it to. you seem to get it so im not gonna harp on this too much on this but. jesus christ

then, then there's fact that even by stating the most basic details about the franchise's events undermines the whole premise. like okay notice that the corruption that happens during the trilogy/investigations spinoffs is coming from all of the actual agencies that represent law and order/the system: the prosecutors, the police, and the prosecutorial investigation committee. however in aa5 the thing they choose to paint as responsible for supposedly unprecedented levels of corruption in the legal system is defense attorneys resorting to more drastic means, and the general public; aka not the people who are responsible for upholding the legal system but the people who are victimized by it and in opposition to it.

i don't think this was an intentional choice as much as it's just sloppy, inconsiderate, and contrived writing.

aa6 is just flat out racist. 'imperalist undertones' is i would say the gentlest way you could phrase it. like. japanese characters going to a made up south asian country that needs to be taught how to govern itself to quash its internal rebellion is like. so high on the yikes meter.

making a bunch of fake 'ethnic sounding' nonsense names filled with apostrophes to make them into silly sounding english phrasing was a disastrously tone deaf thing for the localization to do. they're really unforgivable. the worst of it all is probably "Inga Karkhuul Haw'kohd Dis'nahm Bi'ahni Lawga Ormo Pohmpus Da'nit Ar'edi Iz Khura'in III" i'm unsure if the names are quite as offensive in the original japanese because i haven't looked too much into what they actually are and have a really limited knowledge of the language. but. this name in japanese is "インガ・カルクール・ククルーラ・ラルバン・ギジール・ホフダラン・マダラ・ヴィラ・ヤシマ・ジャクティエール・クライン３世" which is written in katakana. katakana is, in contrast to kanji and hiragana which are used for writing japanese, used to phoenetically transcribe foreign languages or to write loan words. so the foreign-ness of this character is being emphasized here in the original text as well.

the supposed cultural inferiority of the khurainese people is baked into the game at pretty much every level, down to the gags. khura'in has the 'plumed punisher' show, which is actively criticized by the characters in game for just being a cheap ripoff of the steel samurai. they don't even get to have their own tv.

i believe the reason the racism is pretty much glossed over a lot in the fandom is for several reasons. for starters, ace attorney fans overall tend to fall into three camps: 1. people like me who fucking hate these games, refuse to acknowledge them, and would retcon them out of existence if possible. 2. people who have found things they like about the game and have a Good Version of the characters and plots that they have constructed in their head and 3. people who view all of the hate on these games as completely overblown

the first camp Does talk about how the game is racist but we're all already in agreement about that so it's kind of preaching to the choir and a bit redundant to keep going on about. the second camp tends to acknowledge the stickier aspects of the game but focuses on making content around the elements they like rather than critique. the third camp is the type to throw the baby out with the bathwater re: critiquing a thing they like. it's all haterism to them. but either way i think its kind of fucked up how many people will be like 'aa6 isnt that bad you guys are just mean' without even acknowledging these complaints.

anyway the khura'in country vs kurain village thing is really weird to me it shows both a lack of imagination and a disregard for the series' own established lore. why would a girl from a village where almost everyone is a spirit medium need to go to a place where only, like, two people are mediums to train.

i will say though that the divination seance is kind of one of the only things i found about aa6 to be an interesting addition. for a franchise with ghost summoning and murder solving, the two have a kind of hilariously low amount of overlap so i found the idea of bringing ghost bullshit into court really fun. mechanically speaking, the divination seances also felt a LOT better to play than the mood matrix segments of aa5.

in general, i think the biggest weakness of the mainline franchise under takeshi yamazaki's stewardship is its misunderstanding of stakes. both aa5 and 6 prioritize more bombastic and impressive on paper material stakes. oh no! the ENTIRE JUSTICE SYSTEM BEING GOOD OR BAD depends on this one case! on no! we have to DEAL WITH REBEL INSURGENTS! complete horseshit when there is not competent and functional enough character writing to get us emotionally invested here. yamazaki seems to think bigger is better, and that just simply isnt true for something like ace attorney

i've pointed this out in the past when critiquing aa5 and 6 but if you look at the actual material stakes on the line in ace attorney, they're at their highest after rise from the ashes. ousting the corrupt chief of police is the most impressive and impactful thing phoenix does with his career (arguably until the jurist system, but definitely in the trilogy.) but that's not the big Finale case for his character arc. his finale case is defending his college girlfriend; a nun who lives in the mountains, whose conviction would have had zero implications on the larger fabric of ace attorney's legal system. because takumi's writing clearly shows that he understands what makes a plot impactful is the emotional stakes the characters have invested in the events.

before taking over the main franchise, takeshi yamazaki was responsible for the miles edgeworth investigations spinoffs. i do enjoy both of those games - aai2 in particular is really strong. yamazaki does a great job with edgeworth's character arc even if i have some specific gripes with the duologys writing. i think theyre solid additions to the franchise. but you can see traces of this sort of misalignment in narrative priorities here as well. for example, the last case in aai1 is notorious for still going on for, like, an entire hour or two past the time when the last remaining plot point we care about has been revealed. because yamazaki seemingly had no understanding that That was the thing the case should have been about, and that should have been the final mic drop of the game. it just keeps going! he didn't know the game was done and he added a bunch more bullshit busywork after it that no one likes!

so yeah. without going into anything even as specific as how individual plotlines or character arcs were mishandled in aa5/6 that's really my overview What Went Wrong of those games.

[brandnewhuman]

Ghost and König s/o headcanons pleaseee, thank you!

Dutiful lovers

♡ headcanons ♡

☆starring☆

König Dominik (cause at this point I will not stop calling him that)

Simon "ghost" Riley

Tw: mentions of Simon's past, mentions of anxiety, canon violence and talks of very inaccurate military stuff, mature language, mentions of insecurities about weight, height ecc

A/N: to think this was a very well respected slasher blog and now look at us, letting this army himbos ruin our taste. Thank you so muuuuuch for the request, I LOVE GETTING REQUEST FOR OTHER THINGS BESIDE SLASHERS CAUSE SOMETIMES I DONT REALLY FEEL LIKE WRITING FOR JUST ONE THING OR ANOTHER. Anywho I hope you enjoy it

》♡♡♡《

Simon:

This man has never felt genuine and pure love in years

I feel like if you have enough patience you could make it work with him

It took him so much time to come to terms with his feelings

He did little things tho that made you realised he cared

What made him fall for you was how resilient and kind you were

A little treat for you since you have been very good simps, just for funsies we're gonna pretend you already knew about some of the more questionable things he has done

Not his past, I mean the things that he feels bad about

You knew and you saw how he always seemed kind of scare of himself

And you always were there to remind him he was a good person

He started to do more for you in general cause he wanted to feel worthy of your kindness

He genuinely folds every time you just as much as smile at him

He knew he was deep in love when he started to have nightmares about losing you

He will try to, unconsciously, self sabotage the relationship at first

I feel like he has a history of people giving up on him because of how his past affects him and how hard it is for him to live a normal life

He's not like that great with physical affection

Not because he doesn't like it but because he doesn't knows much about it

Definitely enjoys being cuddle and being the little spoon but also likes to be able to be the big spoon too

Listen this man has been burned, shot, buried ecc he has a shit ton of scars and is very self conscious about them

Not only because of how they look but because they remind him of really fucked up stuff

So maybe at first he won't be that open about you touching him in certain points of his body but after a while it will start to make him feel much better

He swears your touch is full of literal magic

Would love to be able to cook for you but he is a public danger with those cooking skills

Can't fucking handle seeing you crying, he shuts down completely

Which makes him feel like shit because he can see how you feel let down by him not comforting you

You will literally gain scary dog rights for being with him. He death glares anything and anyone he deems bad or threatening to you

Ironically I don't think he's the possessive and jealous type

He doesn't gets jealous but he gets insecure because he always thinks about how he is "broken" and "a lot" to put up with and he kind of feels bad to drag you with him and his problems

Doesn't asks for it but needs a lot of reassuring words

He literally melts inside everytime you remind him you truly love him, that you're not getting tired of him, that you care about how he feels

He may not be one for really big demonstrations of love but he always remembers the little details

He remembers your favourite flower, he knows how you like your coffee or tea and if you don't like either he remembers your favourite drink

He knows your favourite book, movie and song

If you really pay attention he's quite romantic and attentive towards you

The good days with him are really fucking good but the bad ones are way over being just bad

He can be quite insensitive with how you feel, not because he doesn't cares tho

He never causes you harm on purpose is just that he gets really scared of getting attached

Definitely the type of person that gives you anything you say you like

You could be just complimenting a shirt of his but he just immediately gives it to you

He definitely compensates his bad traits with gifts

Weirdly enough loves to hold hands and to play with your fingers

And he loves the feeling of your hands caressing his face

If you wear any makeup he takes it off of you and would love for you to the same to him

When he's on a particularly rough mission the first thing he thinks of is you and most of the time that's what quite literally makes him survive

If you're not part of the 141 or the army in general he tries to keep you as far as possible from that part of his life

He has literal nightmares about you getting hurt because of his job

He loves to do normal everyday things with you cause it makes him feel he finally has some sort of normal and healthy life

Doesn't know how to sing but likes to sing along songs with you just because you make it look like fun

With time I genuinely think he would be more openly affectionate with you

Would tell you about his past on accident

Maybe you two were arguing about him being distant or careless when it comes to keep himself safe

One thing led to another and he said he was scared of you because he didn't want to be like his father and you told him he wasn't

Which led him to rant about how many similarities there are while unconsciously telling you about his trauma

Tbh after that things went definitely better

He feels genuinely happy only when he's with you

Loves going on car dates cause he likes to drive and talk with you about anything and everything

He could literally spend hours listening to you and looking at you with that lovestruck puppy dog eyes gaze

Sometimes he looks at you while sleeping and gets somewhere between being happy and sad

Cause he loves you literally so much it hurts and he doesn't always know how to show it to you so it just stays inside him and it aches

Doesn't want photos of you on him but always carries something like a bracelet or a necklace that doesn't have any meaning to you but it does remind him of you

He has pretty severe panic attacks and night terrors and before you he used to spend days alone in his room scared af and on the edge until he didn't force himself to shut it all down

Now he trust you won't leave him and feels so much safer and so much better knowing that you're there with him

Like I said, with time he gets so much better at doing stuff for you

He always leaves you handwritten notes (his handwriting is horrible) if he wakes up before you

Always makes sure that if you're sick or don't feel too well or if in general something hurts you get checked and get the best treatment

He's a very selfless person in that sense, he would do anything for you

If you're having like major life issues or something really big he will take a time off from work to be with you

He did it for his family and he will do it for you too

Always the first to apologise

Weirdly enough I think he likes going out and doing stuff outside with you

He especially likes to go movie hunting and has so many underground titles that are very good which he always get so excited to watch with you

König:

This man is so fucking perfect it's ridiculous

He has the looks like could kill you but it's actually a cinnamon roll kind of vibe

He was absolutely terrified of being in a relationship

He tends to put up this premade personality and has always been scared of being himself because everyone he has ever met has always told him his too much

Much like ghost no one has ever stick with him

Saying him or his problems are too much

Once you show him an ounce of love he is sold bro

This man will be yours forever and falls hard in love so don't think he will be playing around

You're the only one who gets to see the real könig and is something truly amazing

He's incredibly smart and loves to tell you cool facts about the things you like

He will quite literally fuel any obsession you may have

Makes you meet his grandma cause she's a really important part of his life and he trust you enough

He gets self conscious about his body and his appearance but would never doubt you when you say you like him and you find him beautiful

He tells you quite often how he only feels special or handsome with you and you may not get how important that is for him

He never feels like that with anyone, not even his grandma

He always feels like he takes too much space, like he's too loud or too soft

But with you he really feels like nothing can get to him

Loves to cook for you and knows every recipe that you like

He's always so proud of everything you do and brags about you with everyone and anyone

He tends to have panic attacks and mental breakdowns very easily and everytime it happens he goes to you cause he knows he can be vulnerable around you

Enjoys staying at home dates rather than going out

He loves to have book dates, as he calls them, where both of you pick a book for each other to read and comment about it

Takes very seriously any problem or difficulty you may have

He hardly needs to apologise cause he always likes to talk through things instead of just arguing

You could literally give your entire heart to this man and I can guarantee you'll never regret it

Always makes breakfast for both and if he's at home after a long mission he brings yours to bed so you can have a lazy morning

He loves to dance with you while doing house chores and definitely plays piano for you

Naps with you everywhere at any time of the day, he literally uses you as his own personal Teddy bear

He gives me gomez addams in love vibes guys

He literally can and will rip the head off of anyone who dares to say something mean to you

You're gonna have to defend him tho cause he's not doing that shit for himself

If he gets sick, he tries to bother you as little as possible and even if it breaks his heart he keeps away from you so you don't get sick too

Doesn't do the same when you're sick tho

If you're sick he will spend every minute of the day doting over you

100% celebrates anniversaries, valentines days and your birthdays as if they were world known holidays

Unfortunately I do think he would be the jealous type

Specially if you're part of the 141

If he sees you talking with ghost or hanging out with soap he will get a sickening feeling of dread in his guts

He just thinks about all the things they have that he doesn't and how much more attractive or even easier to be are the others in confront

Needs a lot of reassurance for sure

Overall he's like so sweet and so caring that it makes you feel like he has got out of some kind of disney movie

He definitely didn't asked you out but spent months staring at you with that lovestruck look

He followed your every word like a lost puppy

Never expected for you to like him, he come to terms with the fact that you might never like him like he did

Like fr guys he was happy to just be around you

[cerise-on-top]

I love your writing so much, you really captured who the Cod Men are 💜💜

Can I request Rudy with an S/O who likes to steal their clothing? Like I just know this man has soft hoodies and nice button-up shirts that we can use

Thank you 💜

Thank you, I try to write a mix of what I think the requester wants and how the CoD people would genuinely react to something! It's not always easy, but I try! And that's a really cute request! Rodolfo's been getting quite some love as of late, which is nice!

Rodolfo with a Clothes-Thief!Reader

When thinking about the relationship he has with you, Rodolfo thinks about many things: Spoonfeeding you some of his sorbet, cuddling under the blankets while drinking hot cocoa on a cold winter evening, kissing each other on the forehead during soft moments. He doesn’t really consider the bad things a relationship could bring all that often, being fairly romantic and wanting to live those soft and sweet moments with you, as well as remembering them in as much detail as he can. This changes when he notices you, who could usually do no wrong, waltzing around in your home wearing one of his hoodies. And I agree with you, his hoodies are very soft and warm since the fabric is important to him. He also makes sure they stay soft and comfortable since he always thought he’d be the only one wearing them. You opened his eyes, you are a thief.

When he sees you washing the dishes wearing one of his gray hoodies, he’ll simply stare at you for a moment, thinking about whether or not it’s real. He completely forgot that he, too, could be a victim of a relationship and lose his beloved clothing to his beloved criminal. If it’s a chilly morning, then he’ll simply walk up to you and hug you from behind. If he’s feeling especially mischievous, then he’ll put his hands under his article of clothing and onto your tummy so you can feel his cold hands. But that is unlikely to happen. Still! You need to be considerate of your partner as well! If you’re cold he is cold, put him in a blanket burrito!

While he knows exactly who this hoodie or sweater belongs to, he will ask you where you got it from, claiming that you’ve got a nice taste in fashion with a gentle smile. You can then either tell the truth or lie to him. The truth will earn you a chuckle and a kiss to your temple. Lie to him and he’ll interrogate you where you got it from. But eventually he will also ask you if you like his clothing that much. If you do, then you’re more than welcome to take it if he doesn’t need it that day. That extends to things that aren’t just sweaters or hoodies as well. Granted, he isn’t the most fashionable guy, but if he likes something enough he’ll usually buy it and look good in it as well. If you like his shirts as well, then sure, go for it. If it fits, then you can wear it. His clothing is, for the most part, fairly neutral. Lots of grays and lots of blues, so he prefers colder colors over warmer ones. There aren’t many motifs on his shirts, maybe some white palm leaves, but that’s about it.

If he sees you’ve really taken a liking to his clothing, then he’ll buy some more things he thinks you might enjoy, wear them every once in a while, and leave the rest up to you. He sort of does like seeing you in his clothing, in all honesty. You look snug and comfortable in it, plus it gives him the feeling that you do really really like him. When the two of you are roughly the same size, he’ll wear a sweater of yours as well from time to time, just to get some revenge and maybe feel as though you’re with him at that moment. It’s got your scent on it, and what else could be more precious in your absence? In fact, he’ll even give your big pink sweater a try if he really feels like it. You make him feel more comfortable in his skin, so he might even wear stuff like a hot pink and walk up to you so you can see him. If he looks ridiculous to you, he’ll be a bit nervous but laugh alongside you, if you compliment him and coo over how cute he looks, he’ll be a bit flustered and give you a shy smile. So yeah, if the both of you have been with each other for long enough and are comfortable enough, then the clothes stealing will go both ways, if possible.

Rodolfo might try to buy an extra oversized sweater so he can see if the both of you can fit underneath it. Yes, he hides that sweater for quite some time as he’s afraid you’ll laugh at him, but he really does want to try it some time. Maybe it’ll be fun. Maybe it’ll be pleasant. And if it’s neither of those things you have another oversized sweater to call your own. Sometimes you might even go clothes shopping together, just to see which parts of your wardrobe you can share together.

[gaycapfan19]

My name is Bob, and I am almost certainly a VERY Gay man. My only lingering doubts on this are related to my gender identity, NOT my sexual orientation, and these thoughts stem from the main reason that I managed to delude myself into thinking that I was Bisexual for most of my adult life (I know that some men truly are Bi, it just took me FAR too long to realize that I am not one of those men). I have never enjoyed heterosexual intercourse. Only once in my life have I ever been able to climax that way, and only because I imagined that the woman I was fucking (a bitch who insisted on having sex with me with the lights out) was cheating on an imaginary boyfriend who (in my mind) caught us in the act and, instead of stopping us, told me to keep fucking his woman while he fucked my ass to keep me hard enough to finish inside her (THANKFULLY I had a condom on). It has always bothered me that I could not truly enjoy vaginal intercourse because I have, on multiple occasions, genuinely enjoyed eating pussy. Not because of the taste (I have NEVER liked that), but because I like giving people orgasms. Also because I did my research and I knew what I was doing with the few vaginas that I've gone down on, and I genuinely hoped that my mouth and tongue would never fail to give at least one orgasm to every woman I ever went down on when I was younger (Pussy Free since April 2008!!!).

It is a genuine crime against Humanity (committed by Nature itself) that Evolution made it so the female orgasm is never guaranteed, and I HATE such unfairness (biological or otherwise). On an unconscious level, I believe that this desire to see women ALWAYS get the orgasms that they deserve is what drew me to lesbian porn (which has ALWAYS made me cum MUCH harder than straight porn ever has, and straight porn only really works when I watch clips of videos that either feature blowjobs by women who genuinely enjoy sucking dick or anal sex featuring women who truly LOVE taking it in the ass, and even then these videos only work if I imagine myself as the woman). I know for a fact that I don't want to fuck a pussy ever again, because my little Gay dick is just shy of six inches and it will NEVER be up to the task of giving women the orgasms that they deserve, even if I actually did want to feel a vagina wrapped around my little Gay dick again (which I DON'T). But a part of me will still ALWAYS want to forget my homosexuality and ignore the bad taste of vaginas so I can give women the oral orgasms that they deserve, that FAR too few straight men are willing to put in the work to give to their women properly. If I'm being honest, willingly being able to give to women what too few straight ever care to is probably the only reason I truly enjoyed eating pussy at all. It was work, (something that no sex act should ever feel like), but it still felt oddly fulfilling... until I was expected to fuck the women I went down on and then could never "deliver" for either of us during that "main event." Sigh...

Lesbian porn helps me to rationalize my desire to give women orgasms that will never "agree" with my homosexuality. By imagining myself as a woman pleasing other women, the idea of eating pussy suddenly becomes Gay, and Gay sex stuff is something that I can quite easily get behind. This has also led me to wonder about my gender identity. If imagining myself as a woman pleasing other women gets me off as hard as it does, then maybe I am actually a Transgender woman and not a Gay man. I'm also incredibly turned on by the idea of crossdressing before having Gay male sex, so maybe, if I AM a Trans woman, I wouldn't even be Gay at all. Maybe I was right to call myself Bi all along and I just got my gender identity wrong this whole time. Who honestly knows? I'm keeping my options open on that, but until I know for sure, and as long as my body remains distinctly male, I am 100 percent Gay until I am proven to be Trans. My mouth may not hate pussy as much as one would expect a Gay man's mouth to do so, but my penis certainly does. So, we'll see how things turn out...

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I’ve overlooked some stuff to get into the Perfect Brains podcast, with Lucy Beaumont and Sam Campbell. Only little things, no hardline dealbreakers. But I do find Lucy Beaumont funny enough so I’m willing to put some work into pretending I haven’t heard her explain, in a non-jokey interview where she was not “in character” and being completely serious, that she genuinely believes a bunch of the weirder shit about great works of art being secretly made by ghosts. Stuart Goldsmith gave her so many opportunities to say she meant it metaphorically or it’s part of her comedy persona, and she swore up and down that it’s a sincerely held belief. Normally knowing that would be enough to make it hard for me to take seriously anything someone says – this is why I’ve never got into Lou Sanders’ stand-up even though I enjoy her on panel shows. I’m not a hypocrite about it, picking and choosing what sincerely-held wild beliefs will put me off someone – Frank Skinner’s hard line on Christianity would be enough to make it hard for me to take him seriously, even if the “marrying a teenager thing” hadn’t already ruined him for me. (This is a tangent on a tangent, but it’s not like I have a problem with every religious comedian, Bridget Christie made a fascinating radio series about how she tries to reconcile her doubts and questions about the literal truth of her Christian beliefs and I can well understand how someone would have that mentality. I just have trouble connecting any of my own thoughts to those of someone who seems to believe stuff like that uncritically. Also Frank Skinner’s a dick.)

This is a way in which comedy is different from something like music or acting or some other category of celebrity. I find it difficult to connect a comedian’s material if I feel like there is too much of a massive, fundamental gap between their worldview and mine. I don’t need to agree with a comedian on everything to find them funny. Some of my favourite comedians are nothing at all like me, live very different lives and believe very different things. But there are some issues that I consider foundational, and if I differ from someone on those issues, it’s hard to get into their comedy. Obviously that depends on the type of comedy too – I can watch someone act in a surreal sketch even if they think they moon landing was faked, and it won’t bother me. But if that person is going to stand at a microphone and tell me their observations about dating sites or whatever, I will spend the whole time thinking, "Yeah but you think the moon landing was faked, how much stock can I put into what you think about anything else? I don’t need to hear what amusing connections your mind has made, because I don’t think your brain operates on the same plane of reality as mine." Whereas a person who thinks the moon landing was faked could make great music and I’ll enjoy that with no problem.

But Lucy Beaumont is very funny, and because of that, I’ve been willing to take those two things – Lucy Beaumont is very funny and Lucy Beaumont genuinely believes things on a different plane of reality from me – lift them both above the cognitive dissonance, and put them next to each other my mind, allowing me to enjoy the thoughts that come from her brain anyway.

I’m overlooking some other stuff too, in order to enjoy the Perfect Brains podcast. Like SamCam being friends with/generally venerating, as a person and as a comedian, Jimmy Carr. I don’t even know which of those two things are worse. I mean, I do, obviously venerating a guy like Jimmy Carr as a person is worse than just having bad taste in comedy. But it is weird to me that a comedian as funny as Sam Campbell can think Jimmy Carr’s comedy is funny, even if you ignore him being a terrible person in real life. But again, I’m looking past it, because someone liking Jimmy Carr is not not quite bad enough to be a complete dealbreaker (but if he comes out in favour of Ricky Gervais I’m done), and Campbell is very fucking funny.

Having said all that. The most recent episode of the Perfect Brains podcast was very funny, it’s impressive that they’re still meeting their high standards even after seven episodes (I’ve found maybe two of the episodes fell a bit below, but given how very fucking high that standard laugh rate has been, keeping it up for five of seven episodes is impressive), I’m enjoying it a lot. But in that most recent one, Lucy Beaumont did pull out a conspiracy theory that in this case isn’t just harmlessly kooky, it’s actively racist (the one about aliens building pyramids, and she even threw in a little comment about those aliens providing a civilizing influence). If I heard that bit of the podcast out of context, I’d probably assume Lucy was making a joke, when she said she believes that. But having heard her say in other contexts that she truly believes this stuff, I’m pretty sure she meant that one too.

It'd be good if she’d stop that. I’m trying to enjoy a comedy podcast, it’s requiring a certain amount of compartmentalization and turning down the cognitive dissonance, and she is making it harder when she pulls out the actual racist ones. Please stop it, Lucy. Don’t ruin this for me.

Having said that, I do feel a bit hypocritical for taking issue with anything else while I listen to The Ray Peacock Podcast at the same time. Enjoying that one does mean I lose the high ground to criticize most other things on the grounds of being offensive (I can still think Jimmy Carr is both a dick and not funny, though, as he is both more offensive than that podcast, and, crucially, much much much less funny).

I will say that if there’s anyone out there who has a problem with current Frankie Boyle because of some shit he said in 2007, then that’s understandable, but if you hold that view while being fine with current Ed Gamble, there are some flaws in your internal logical consistency. I say this as someone who’s a big, unapologetic fan of current Frankie Boyle, and an apologetic, guilty pleasure fan of Mock the Week-era Frankie Boyle (also an apologetic, guilty pleasure fan of Frankie Boyle-era Mock the Week). I’m not saying you’re wrong if you have a problem with this – in fact you’re absolutely right and you have better principles than I do. I’m just saying you should hear some of the shit that wholesome food podcasting Ed Gamble was saying in 2007, if you're going to hold 2007 against Frankie Boyle.

You cannot hold people to everything they said in 2007. Believe me, I wish you could. But you can't.

I am also a big fan of both 2007 and 2024 Ed Gamble. It was fucking jarring today to go straight from listening to Ed on The Ray Peacock Podcast to the latest Taskmaster podcast, but I greatly enjoyed both. His current stand-up isn’t really for me; as I’ve said before, there must be some middle ground level of edge in between the stuff with Ray Peacock, and his current stand-up about weddings and drag brunches. The middle ground is probably the sweet spot, but personally I prefer the 2007 stuff. Having said that, I still hugely enjoy Ed Gamble as the Taskmaster podcast host, think he’s incredibly entertaining most times he turns up on other people’s podcasts or panel shows, I love getting to virtually/vicariously/parasocially spend time with him even if I don’t love his actual material. As I’ve also said before – of the two Off Menu guys (a podcast I don’t listen to despite liking both guys, because I just don’t want to hear that much about food), I’d much rather have a ticket to James Acaster’s stand-up, but I’d much rather be friends with Ed Gamble. And James does come out on top there, because neither of them want to be friends with me, but I'm sure they'd both like me to buy tickets to their stand-up.

This post has rambled quite a lot, and I'm not entirely sure what the point was. But I think the point was that I'd like to hear less about Lucy Beaumont's belief in conspiracy theories that are grounded in racism, even though of course I know Lucy Beaumont is not personally subscribing to them for racist reasons. And Jimmy Carr can fuck off for a multitude of reasons. That's the other point.

[literallydying00]

Ghost headcannons

Parring: Simon ‘ghost’ Riley x gn!reader

Warnings: basically just mentions of nightmares and if I missed any please tell me!

No Y/n used || no pronouns used

a/n: Hey, so I just posting this till I can get the other stuff posted and i’m posting this first because I kinda feel bad for taking so long but whatever. Anyways hope you enjoy :))

———————————————————————

Simon normally didn’t fall asleep until late or sometimes, he didn’t at all. Then you came around. When you got together he started sleeping more and felt comfortable enough to at least try and sleep. Some nights he just sits with his arms wrapped around you and lets his mind run.

Some nights Simon still has bad nightmares about his family and work. You will normally find him in the bathroom because he isn’t ready to show such a vulnerable side of him. When he hears your voice after a nightmare, telling him that it is going to be alright and that you are with him, he almost always finds comfort in your voice. He feels bad for waking you when he comes out so he makes tea for the both of you (even though you are normally passed out when he comes back).

He loves tea. Don’t tell anyone but he enjoys more floral/herbal teas but he will always fold for green tea. Tea is like his addiction I swear, he drinks it everyday. He finds drinking herbal teas embarrassing because of his reputation so if anyone (especially on his team) finds out, he would simply parish.

he loves musicals and again don’t tell anyone. going along with this, a personal pet peeve of his is when he is trying to watch the musical and someone else is singing to the song. I don’t know why it just irks him. His favourite musical is probably phantom of the opera.

To everyone else around him he is considered cold,harsh and sometimes emotionless, around other people he is Ghost. When he is around you however, he is Simon. You have him domesticated, he will cook for you if you ask, give you a massage if your mussels are sore, watch your favourite movies/read your favourite books so you can talk to him about them and he will understand, will run a bath for you if he thinks you need one, and will buy almost anything you ask.

Simon has super horrible ears because of his job. Even with the headphones, the sound of explosions,gunshots, and other extremely loud stuff is bound to damage his ears. I think he has tinnitus (ringing in ears caused normally by hearing loss) and wears hearing aids most of the time to stop the ringing.

When the both of you are cuddling in bed he will wrap his whole body around you like a weighted blanket. He does because he says if something ever happened you would be safe. He also refused to let you sleep closest to the door because again its to keep you safer.

When he is driving he always has his hand on some part of your body, most of the time its your thigh.

He loves to lay his head in your lap because it helps him relax. When lays his head in your lap please play with his hair, it literally brings him so much comfort and he will fully fall asleep after a while.

For date night, you both probably just cook dinner together and have a nice dinner date while you talk about anything and everything. The night normally ends with you two watching a movie while you’re cuddled into his side and him carrying you to bed.

His music taste is either metal or classical music and there is no in between. He loves Everlong by Foo Fighters so much though that you think he never stops playing it (I mean me too). He will listen to your favourite songs as well just to make you happy when you hear them as you are listening to his playlist.

He is surprisingly good a poetry and still writes poems sometimes. When he is away if you ask him to send you new poems, he will write a bunch of poems about you and send them back home for you to read. You have kept every single one of them and he gets happy when he remembers you have them all and genuinely love them.

He barely ever wears his mask around you anymore because he knows you will never judge him and you love him. He struggled to show you his face for the first time because he was SO scared of commitment and he knew once he took off the mask, there was no going back.

He has a motorcycle and regularly takes you for late night drives in empty streets where he knows the two of you can just live in the moment together.

Simon is not a fan of pda but every time you go out he holds your hand to keep you close to him. When he holds your hand he ALWAYS does the thumb thing because it helps ground him and so he knows you’re still there with him.

Speaking of public, you have mayor scary dog privilege. Tell me if you saw a big, scary, menacing looking figure with a skull mask just looming beside someone you wouldn’t immediately back off that person💀

Anyways hope you enjoyed reading and i’m surely going to post more hcs of this beautiful man when I have the time <33

[tf2yall]

Any Merc cooking headcanons? (Also, who would most likely hit someone with a pan in frustration of cooking?)

I actually already did something similar to this here but here are some more headcanons :3

Scout

The most likely merc to set off the fire alarm when cooking

Part of the issue with why he struggles to cook is that he's dyslexic, and struggles to read recipes. He was never actually diagnosed with it until he started working with Mann Co. He's getting better at not thinking that he's stupid, but he's still reluctant to ask for help reading

He can make a lot of relatively simple foods. Anything easy enough that he can just memorize the instructions, and he's golden

Somehow manages to make canned and frozen food taste amazing, despite adding nothing to it

Has a macaroni and cheese recipe that he learned from his mom and it's the most complex thing he can make

Soldier

The most likely merc to commit violence in the kitchen. Not out of frustration but because Soldier just really likes violence lmao

There was a really brief period of about a week where Soldier was allowed in the kitchen

In this time he managed to blow up the microwave, set the toaster on fire (twice), and make some sort of toxic black sludge in the oven. Medic's still not sure why it came to life and started licking Scout's arm.

Cannot cook. Well, he can't cook anything EDIBLE

His philosophy when cooking is 'why not', when the question should really be 'is this at all appetizing?' Soldier will eat the charred messes he creates and Demo, depending on how drunk he is, will give it a shot too. Everybody else has far to much self-preservation to even look at it for too long

Pyro

The most likely merc to hit you with a pan. Possibly in frustration, but it's usually more likely that you insulted their cooking and their consequently pissed.

Pyro is damn PROUD of their cooking and anyone who says otherwise is getting stuffed in the oven. Your screams mean nothing to them. Shouldn't have fucking insulted their casserole.

They cook for the team most nights. The other two great chefs, Demo and Spy are usually doing something else. Demo has bombs to make between fights and Spy just doesn't want to cook for you imbeciles. That's fine, Pyro genuinely enjoys cooking :3

Knows all of the mercs food preferences and makes sure that there's always something that they can eat. Spy generally won't eat meat and if you offer Sniper any sort of tomato product, he'll toss the whole plate.

Try and sneak food from the kitchen before Pyro's done and they can and will throw an axe at you.

Heavy

The most likely merc to actually follow the recipe lmao

Like I said in a previous post, he doesn't really know how to cook all that well. Prior to leaving Russia, his mom pretty much always did the cooking. Not that Heavy's completely helpless, mind you. He can make simple stuff like sandwiches or scrambled eggs.

Deeply appreciates a good meal and never takes food for granted.

Really bad at knowing how much spices to put in a dish. Either underspices or overspices it and it'll taste... Off. Heavy'll eat it anyway.

He's a very quick learner and he's learning how to cook pretty quickly. He struggles a little with the measurements in American cookbooks, so he usually uses recipes from Russian ones.

Demo

The most likely merc to blow up the oven. He's a great chef, he just tends to get a little carried away...

Demo should not be left unattended near anything that can be blown up. Not just in the kitchen, in general. Look, you don't get to be a great demolition expert by saying hmm yeah, maybe I won't blow that up

Like I mentioned, he cooks with Pyro a lot and the two of them are absolutely adorable doing it. They were little chef's hats and aprons and it's just so cute <3

Demo pls stop drinking the cooking alcohol

Might glance at a recipe, but usually just does his own thing when cooking.

Engineer

Tied with Medic as the most likely merc to starve to death. If he's in the middle of something, he will not move to go feed himself and someone's going to have to physically drag him out of his workshop. This is usually Pyro's job because everybody else is likely to get beaten over the head with a wrench.

Really proud of his food when he gets around to making it and will be super pissed off with anyone if they don't accept it. It's not generally a big issue, because his food is fantastic.

Should probably be assigned a chaperone when he cooks because when he gets bored, and Engie's frequently bored, he'll start engineering stuff out of the food. Once, while waiting for the oven timer, he built a functional sentry gun out of peas and carrots. (Dinner burned that night because he was too busy with his little gun)

Salt and grease galore. Like you take a bite of his food, and you instantly feel an impending heart attack. It's fine, Medic has spares if you need a new one.

Always makes way too much food.

Medic

The most likely merc to poison you (on purpose) He just likes seeing what effect arsenic has on the human body, is all.

Hypothetically, Medic should be a good cook. He's smart, he learns quickly, and he has an eye for good ingredients. Medic is not a good cook. He has a tendency to get distracted in the middle of making something and run off

Medic has set the kitchen on fire. Several times. Pyro's beginning to wonder if he likes fire as much as they do.

He's VERY protective of the kitchen when he cooks. In his mind, cooking time is personal time and he doesn't want anyone intruding on it (is it maybe also because he doesn't want anyone see him struggle to crack an egg? Maybe...)

Generally, his meal prep consists of throwing a sandwich together at midnight and eating it over the sink like a ravenous gremlin

Sniper

The most likely merc to starve to death in a room full of ingredients.

My man has never fucking heard of a spice. You say cilantro and he says bless you.

Can barely be bothered to cook his meat. He heats it up just enough that it doesn't bleed when he bites into it, and that's good enough for him. Sometimes he just eats it raw.

Sniper has been removed from the cooking schedule, because he thinks giving someone a can of beans and a spoon is a good way to prepare dinner. It's not. Sniper please.

Probably dying of scurvy because he never eats any fucking fruit lmao. He's just the ravenous wolverine man that lives in the merc's backyard

Spy

The most likely to hit someone with a frying pan. Spy gets frustrated easily, and when he's frustrated, he gets violent

His cooking skills are fantastic. He has a little apron he wears when he cooks. Scout's ma gave it to him and he can and will stab you if you say anything about it. It says 'kiss the cook' on it, and Demo has. Several times. Spy's pretending to be a lot more annoyed about it than he actually is

Has actively offered to help all of the mercs get better at cooking because oh dear god, if you give him a charred mess on a plate ONE more time, he's going to fucking lose it. Heavy is the only one to take him up on the offer

Can't bake and it frustrates the living shit out of him. He just doesn't understand why he can't do it???? Scout can and it drives him up the damn wall. My son. You are so stupid. How can u do this and I cannot

A VERY picky eater. Needs his meat cooked just so, won't eat any kind of seafood, hates when food on his plate touches. (My darling, I think Scout got his ADHD from you lmao)

[softpine]

 🎵 my first taste of looove, woahhh bittersweet :’(

that’s not a dumb question at all !! it’s actually a little bit of both. in the beginning, matt was in such disbelief about actually dating stevie that he was happy to go at whatever pace she wanted. he thought stevie would get tired of him quickly, so he was just enjoying whatever time he had with her. but as time went on, stevie ended up trusting him more, which means he saw more of what’s going on in stevie’s life & her past, and he started feeling like he might be in over his head. matt just wasn’t prepared for how serious things have gotten in stevie’s life lately.

so, long story short: in the beginning, he was ready for either a casual or serious relationship, but when he realized just how serious it could be, he started to backpedal.

AHHH that’s the highest compliment, that’s exactly what i hoped to accomplish!! 💖💖 i always worry that i spoil too much in asks and stuff, but as i’m always saying, it’s about the journey, not the destination!

omg yes that’s the perfect way to describe matt right now! “I thought we would have more fun together, but... we don’t really.” is probably the most immature thing matt has said, but i can’t even fault him for it, because they are so young. matt isn’t a bad person for wanting a fun, casual relationship at 17. it just majorly sucks for stevie, especially given the abrupt way that everything happened :((

lmaoooo i know 😭 it’s because he genuinely thought this was going to be a totally amicable breakup. he knew stevie has been acting weird for the past few weeks, and he sorta thought it was because she was trying to let him down easy. this is how it would’ve gone in matt’s head:

matt: hey i brought you this frog

stevie: that’s cool thanks. but i think our relationship has run its course

matt: true 👍🏽

stevie: still friends though?

matt: yep

oh no that’s not actually happening!! no one is cheating on anyone! i wrote that out a long time ago because i really really just don’t want to write cheating into my story, and i found another effective way to get the outcome i needed :) i’ll share more info when we’ve gotten past the point where it would’ve happened!

wait do you not consider asa and finn to be good men fjskdjsd ? i get it though, i’m so sad for her 😭 the thing about matt is that even after all of this, he isn’t a bad guy. he truly wanted the best for stevie. all the times where he comforted her or got her out of a bad situation still means something, it still matters, even if the relationship ends badly. “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”....... but stevie is obviously not there yet lol

he actually did mean “i love you” in a romantic way, just like stevie, but he doesn’t think it’s enough to make their relationship work. i don’t want to get into it toooo much, because matt will talk about it later, but he very much does love stevie! but..... yeah 😭 hug your dog extra for me jfksjds

i’m sorry to all the matt/stevie supporters out there lmaooo i’m ruining everything 😭 i genuinely feel so sad because i loved them too ;-;

oops i didn’t see this in time, i pretty much covered it in this response!! aside from the stuff that i can’t tell you yet :P

show up at my house and we’ll cry together because i’m pissed too fjksjds

godddd i know :(((((( i literally want to scoop her up in a bear hug and never let go fjskjds thank you so much for reading 💖

[pacifymebby]

I agree that Van and Sam are very different (Bondy too?) But what do you think the difference is? I can't put my finger on it

Nah so I don't know at all, because I don't know them. So all these are whimsical assumptions which mean nothing, and I'm also not saying them like anyone is worse than anyone else

Bondy genuinely just seems a bit more like, "educated" don't wanna sound like a snob because I don't mean it like that at all, I just mean he obviously has read some stuff, is into politics, his music taste is way more varied etc. I think he went and did music at college before he dropped out right. Also he's older so would always just have seen a bit more or done a bit more idk. I'm very much just making presumptions here anyway because I have no idea

With Sam, I think like, from his songs he sounds like he was mostly raised by women as the main "parent" figures in his life which idk, from my experience that has a big effect on young lads. My dad was raised like that, my other best friends was raised like that too with like, mothers, grandmothers and those women's friends being the main parents in their lives. Whereas Van openly says he's his fathers boy or whatever, like his dads the one he looks up to most and that. And honestly, lovely that he has that kind of relationship with his father. I would just say from my own life and people I know, working class boys raised by working class men tend to turn out slightly less, thoughtful/empathetic or whatever. Like they have more of the "I have something to prove" attitude or like, this need to fulfil and display their masculinity which can often involve sneering at or joking about being sensitive, turning your nose up at school and books blah blah

Van's songs are always routed in having a laugh with your mates, winding up girls, shagging girls and like, getting advice from your dad, whereas sams songs are "worried about my mum, just wanna help my mum" "growing up with nothing with lots of other people who are struggling too" "I don't even have it as bad as other people so I shouldn't be lecturing people on how bad some people have it" "fuckthetories" and "why isn't anyone talking about the suicide rate of young lads from the north" like, he writes about more sensitive stuff, seems to think more deeply about stuff, seems to pay way way way more attention to the world around him and think a lot beyond his own little life and circle of friends.

Again am making massive judgements with 0 basis other than my own life which has nothing to do with their lives lol so I don't know at all.

You know how Van used to talk about how there was always that one kid in school that was always "upset about something" or like easy to wind up or whatever, and that like he used to enjoy teasing or winding them up (and he never said this like "I used to bully kids" and am sure he didn't or didn't think he did u know, in fact to be honest I reckon I know exactly what kind kid he was cause I reckon I went to school with a few lads like him and they were fine and nice but they definitely did push their jokes too far and upset me sometimes and I didn't think they were my friends)

Well anyway, to put the difference between them simply, I reckon Sam has the potential to have been the kinda kid Van was talking about. Because those kids weren't necessarily miserable or always upset about something they were just u know, sensitive or more emotional. I know Sam sings about arming himself with a grin and always being the joker and stuff but like, he also talks about being out of place with the lads lads sometimes u know. Van strikes me as a lads lad whereas Sam and Bondy both come off as being more mature/confident in their masculinity enough to know that emotions need talking about not joking about sometimes and like, feminism is important

also maybe its pure just Vans an early august Leo and Bondy is like, last day of Leo, basically a Virgo Leo. So he's cusping on Earth sign, and Sam is a Taurus so a big Earth sign too. maybe its purely just that, maybe they're just more earthy and rooted and Van is chaotic and burning personality u know?

[alltheotherblogs]

Months predated by years followed by weeks.

I've been under a lot of stress and pain for years from things that should honestly already be out of my life, but due to the government and law being corrupt, there is really nothing I can do to get rid of some of these things. Other things are caused by myself, by others, and by money. But, no matter how I look at it I still feel like I can't eat as much every day, and that drinking water is hard besides just the awful taste from the tap. The stress from years of my life that has never been remedied is just something I have to constantly live with, and it only gets worse day by day because of some of the most rotten evils in this world. My life is a spectacle to the Devil to see how long he can deliberately torment somebody before they finally get cut a break. Not that I'm Christian or anything, just thought it was a good analogy. Some times it really does feel like I'm in a perfect hell. I'm never able to do any of the things I actually want, and they aren't all that complicated either, it's just that the totality of circumstances makes the impossible. I'm missing the prime of my life all because of a corrupt world. I'd say "I wonder if this is how young men felt going off to fight in World War 2." But if I'm being honest, I'd enjoy war. I'm not kidding either. As cringey as it sounds, I'd rather be a mercenary at war than be here right now. Think about it this way; if nobody wanted to do it, why would anybody be a mercenary? It's definitely not for the pay. I'm just one of those people. Every time I've gotten the opportunity to enter into a fight with another person, those have been the best moments of my life. I want to travel long distances, fight great opponents in multiple fields of martial arts, and live out the life that I know I deserve.

This is a movie that, as a child, made me relate to the main character. So few movies so perfectly depict the kind of person I want to be as The Princess Bride. A man of style, class, intellect, and martial prowess. And the way he goes about showing others that he loves them is just so genuine. It's not like I grew up any particular way, being raised by any particular person or people, in fact I was basically raised by myself and that fit just right for me. But, I found it in myself to still become a pinnacle of what a person should be. Not some politic obsessed freak, not just another annoying face in the crowd, but someone with a high IQ and real potential and talent in the things I actually care about. And most of all, I still care about humans. It seems like we live in an age where everyone else has lost faith, and I understand that. But, losing faith is a cop-out. You just lost faith because you got tired of being disappointed every time you heard something you thought was bad. What are the actual chances of that thing you were disappointed in being actually bad though? Depending on the type of person you are, it probably wasn't as bad as you think. Sure if it was something ACTUALLY horrible, disappointment is fair. But if someone just has a different political belief than you that you disagree with, you have no right to be disappointed even if it is some obnoxious modern liberal. Even if you aren't Christian, a teaching from the bible is very important to being a better person and learning proper morality; "Love thy fellow man."

I think it's honestly been long enough, and something has to change soon. I can only gather all my determination to keep going so many times in my life. To say that I've been blatantly fucked over by things entirely out of my control is an understatement. I just want to go out and do combat sports on a competitive level, go to a job where I clean stuff, invent cybernetics, become immortal, and live a happy life. Four out of five of those things aren't that much to ask for, and I'm fairly confident if I complete the cybernetics step I can complete the immortal step. Either way, this is just a blatantly unfair and clownish world we live in where millions of people in the west are obsessing about fake non-issues that they are misinformed about instead of actually doing something to benefit society. Cry all you want, it doesn't make anything better. Pretend all you want that there is some kind of oppression against your specific people. It doesn't make anything better by pretending there are issues which don't actually exist, and it's blatantly narcissistic.

I'm thinking about actually pursuing combat sports even despite my impossible circumstances and lack of financed to get things like protein. I think I can make up for it all with my tremendous strength of will, (and incredibly thick skull.) The fact someone like me is still alive is a testament to just how much you should be afraid of me. Maybe I'll try to get a pro boxing license and start there, I'm not too big on all the wrestling holds, it's just too easy to get someone into an arm-bar and have them tap cause they don't know the tech to get out of it. To be fair that's more civilized than KOing a guy, but I'd still rather trade skillful blows than memorized techniques. You can fight for points all you want, fight to wrestle, fight for a knockout, I fight for fun, and I still haven't met a single person who can stand up to me in that regard.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #149

Do you like getting flowers as a gift? I do, even though I can't quite explain why, like they're just gonna die now. I think it's pure tradition which makes me like it, despite the fact I generally don't give a microscopic shit about traditions.

Who is one person you never get tired of? My boyfriend.

How different would your life be if “that one thing” didn’t happen? I'd almost certainly be married to and have kids with someone who didn't ultimately believe in me and was by this point probably extremely frustrated with me being mentally ill that he'd likely hate me. We would not be a happy couple. Who knows, maybe I never even would've gotten the mental help I needed.

What is “that one thing”? A traumatic breakup.

What’s the most desperate thing you did? god I am NOOOOOOT going there

Where was the last place you took a train to? I've never been on a train, actually.

What are your living arrangements currently? Are you happy with them? I live with my mom and our pets. Yes, I enjoy my mom's company, but both me and Girt want our own place by now, it's just not reasonable with the housing market.

Have you met your soulmate? I don't believe in those.

If your best friend wanted to cheat on their partner, you would say what? Well my best friend is my boyfriend, so we wouldn't stay together. In the hypothetical where my best friend wasn't my own partner, I'd definitely tell them to do the same, not just straight-up cheat. Let them go first.

Who do you know that gives very sound advice? Specifically Mazzy, they are fantastic at balancing realism with acknowledgment of emotions.

At what age did you start to feel like a teen and not a kid anymore? It was the exact day I started my period, which was 12 or 13, according to my mom.

What is your parents’ idea of grounding you? Taking away computer privileges.

Do you think art museums are pointless? ?????????????????????? does ANYBODY ACTUALLY think this?????????????????????

Do you care about looks when you’re looking for a romantic partner? I don't think I do, or if I do, it must have to be a case of extreme unattractiveness for me to notice. Me being attracted to someone has to be no less than at LEAST 90% about personality.

How many times have you moved? Officially four, but I've "lived" in apartments with Jason and much later Colleen temporarily.

Is Christmas stressful? It's not for me, yet, I'm sure because I'm not expected to get my loved ones stuff because I have no income. I already have to ask my fucking mom to get at least ONE thing for my s/o, because that's one I feel WAY too bad about not getting anything for, even though he doesn't care whatsoever. It's such a garbage fucking feeling. Historically I've always made/gotten people gifts I put a shitload of thought into and often a great deal of effort, so me ACTUALLY having money to buy gifts for so many people for a holiday will��likely be really stressful for me. I'd likely obsess over something not being "good enough" or overspend.

Your best friend has a good or bad taste in music? Good, we like mostly the same stuff, but there are some small surprises. His music on shuffle is insane though haha, going from death metal to some goofy parody song.

What would your friends be surprised to see in your music library? The number of Melanie Martinez songs on my iPod would definitely surprise people, I genuinely like a lot of her stuff.

Do you like to talk about the future when in a serious relationship? Yes, it's reassurance to me that you're actually interested in staying together.

Do you like public displays of affection? Only to a certain extent; I don't want to do overtly sexual things in public, but things like simple, quick kisses or calling me a petname in front of others, I do like because it shows me you're not ashamed of being with me.

Do you believe in moving in together before engagement or marriage? For me, that's what I'd prefer. I want to see how well we operate living under the same roof until we decide to do that forever.

Do you watch mukbangs? No, I've never quite gotten the appeal. Actually I have watched people who normally do vlog-like content do mukbangs as a random thing in the past, but that's primarily because I was invested in them as people and just liked watching whatever they did, but it's been years.

How do you lose weight? What’s your favourite diet food and exercise? Gonna be full honest, historically my biggest weight loss period was from extreme undereating, like I did nothing else to cause it, and because of that I'm still dealing with it as I try to re-lose weight I gained back, but I've been at a plateau for a very long time now... which I now know is likely from how extreme my hypothyroidism is. As a teenager I lost a good deal of weight from playing WiiFit daily; I got in the best shape of my entire life with it. I have gone done a bit with physical therapy too. I haven't found a reliable - and safe - weight loss method that works for me yet as an adult...

Do you have a lot of friends? Do you have a partner? Have you ever had one? I don't have many friends, but those I do have are pretty fucking great quality. I have a boyfriend and he's my best friend literally ever.

Do you currently have any hickeys? From who? No.

Who was the last person to come to your house? Girt.

Have you ever had sex with the same gender? Totally honest I'm not really sure what the consensus is on what cis female x cis female sex is, but either way I say no.

If you’ve experienced both, is sex better with men or women? I have a feeling that sexually I'll always prefer men, but I wouldn't really know.

Have you ever been the other woman? No, I will not be somebody's second choice.

Would you ever want to be with a virgin? If no, why not? I couldn't care less. Neither of the people I've been with sexually were/are, but it wouldn't bother me at all.

Do you constantly find yourself internet stalking your ex? No, last I knew he only had Facebook and I was (rightfully) blocked, but I haven't even tried to look in a very long time. I don't look at Sara's accounts anywhere because I've learned it never, ever serves me any sort of good whatsoever so I just don't.

Are you friends with any of your exes? Not really; I don't have any bad blood with Aaron, we just haven't talked since like, the start of high school, and he deactivated his Facebook many years ago. Juan and I have recently messaged some, but I'm keeping distant and have no interest in actually pursuing friendship with him.

Do you have an addiction? To what? Internet, for sure. I've been that way since I was a kid, and it's never been fixed. I am annoyingly useless without Internet connection, like I have no idea what to do and it's seriously pathetic.

Blunts, bowls or bongs? I don't smoke, so I wouldn't know.

When you have a fight with your partner what do you do? We talk it out. We haven't had many of these at all, so I don't have a big pool of reference, but we absolutely value remaining calm (something I'm learning to be better at) and being completely upfront and honest. We put a lot of emphasis on maintaining strong communication.

Who does the grocery shopping in your house? Mom.

Are your parents still together? Hell no, I have a hard time believing they ever were lol. Dad is so like, not the person I would picture my mom falling in love with.

Have any siblings you know of but don’t actually know personally? Yes, my dad's first daughter Tiffany. Never met her in my life and know almost nothing about her; I think I've only seen a single picture of her. I love my dad but he does not get any fatherly awards, given he has nothing to do with her and very barely Misty, the daughter from his first marriage. The one time Misty came here with her kids, it was literally her who reached out to him to go to dinner and just meet his grandkids. It bothers me that it's only me and my two full-blooded sisters who seem to always matter to him.

Greatest fear? Living alone on the streets with nowhere to go.

Something most people fear that you do not fear at all? Snakes are one, I'm always stoked to see a snake.

Don’t you hate getting nice & comfy & then having to pee? UGH YES, and it sucks because I absolutely HAVE to get up and do it or else I literally cannot fall asleep.

Ever faked being pregnant? No, and these people fucking disgust me. This isn't a topic you joke about.

Ever had a major surgery performed on you? I wouldn't call either that I've had "major," no, at least I don't think so.

Which of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of? I mean at some point I experience all of them, but sloth is the one I'm MOST guilty of.

Do you believe in divorce? Yes, it should absolutely always be legal to leave someone if they no longer enrich your life. I VERY much do believe you should put immense thought into marriage and NEVER rush into it, and look into various possible futures with that partner and see if you still feel the same. I do definitely believe that a large percentage of people certainly don't take marriage seriously enough and never should've gotten married in the first place, but yes, divorce should always be an available option for people.

Is intelligence a turn on for you? Yes, show me that big brain papi

Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? My mom.

Do you treat others better or worse than yourself and why? Oh, way better. I just don't like myself enough and hold myself to absurd standards I don't have for others.

When you sleep next to someone who usually falls asleep first? Oh, it has ALWAYS been the other person, with literally everyone I've ever shared a bed with. I have always had major difficulty with falling asleep; I even struggled as a kid. My brain just cannot shut off, ever.

Do you think it is harder for a parent to outlive their child or for their child to outlive them? Both are fucking awful, but I definitely think it's more difficult for a parent to outlive their child; like you have kids being so sure that you're going out first, that you'll never have to be in a world without them again, but for plenty of people, it happens.

What is one selfish thing you tend to do? I HATE talking when I'm listening to music, specifically if Mom and I are in the car; I've controlled the music forever, and I have to admit that I get annoyed when she talks over it sometimes; unless she's literally attempting conversation, I don't reply to most things she says aloud; if it doesn't require my input, I'm not saying anything. I'm fully aware how bitchy that is, it's just this shitty thing about me I've never managed to correct.

What kinds of people do you find intimidating? Pushy, loud people that are entirely blunt and not afraid of hurting your feelings at all and are go go go 200% of the time.

Who is the most overbearing person you know? Our fucking landlord/family "friend," which I don't really consider her anymore.

How old was the first person you kissed? At the time we kissed, he was early into 18.

Do you plan on moving out within the next year? It'd be nice, but I'm not so sure it's gonna happen.

Have you ever slept nude? Only accidentally, just kinda Happened and I'm very grateful I stayed under the covers because this was with my teenage bf with his parents home lmfao

How many stories tall is your dream house? Honestly a dream house for me would still be one story; I don't want more rooms than we need (just more cleaning to do) and I'm not into stairs, lol.

Do you consider yourself to be promiscuous? Entirely the opposite.

Do you have any obscure pets? No, ball pythons are very common pet snakes, and the champagne morph is popular.

Do you consider yourself politically correct? I try to be, but I do sometimes worry about slipping up with a word I didn't know was even offensive.

[misspearly1]

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10

Thanksgiving

Pairing: Joel Miller x You (Fem Reader)

WC: 5.7K

Synopsis: Y/N spends the whole day in Jackson getting a taste for the life of what it would be like to live with Joel, it’s been a roller coaster of emotions, especially when she has to come to a final decision at the Thanksgiving party.

Warnings: 18+ Content. Minors DNI. Flirting between You & Joel, Slight Public Foreplay (F receiving), Kissing, Lots of Fluff. Little bit of angst and some more jealousy.

Notes to readers: I think this is how I will display my work from now on peeps. Forgive me if it causes any inconvenience for you, I just can’t afford any younglings coming across my stuff. Like always, enjoy the read my lovelies! 💜🥰

Fair Trade Masterlist | Joel Miller Masterlist | Back to Main Masterlist

It was an interesting morning that you had with the doctor Sam to say the least. When she had an opportunity to speak to you alone, she apologised for her behaviour. The doctor openly admitted her crush for Joel and told you she would back off.

You were caught off guard for a second from her admission, but you were also amazed by her bravery to be honest about her mistake. Hearing how genuine she was when she said that she was sorry, you forgave her but still remained vigilant.

Sam seemed to relax a hell of a lot more when you said that and you’re all for second chances, so why not give her one. Joel Miller is a gorgeous man, of course he will have a few ladies swooning over him, you’re one of them.

Plus, you and Joel aren’t exactly a couple per se. Neither of you have labelled your relationship yet, whether or not he has admitted that he has wanted you for a while now. How was Sam supposed to know that he is dating you?

So you can’t hold it against a girl for simply trying her luck on a man she thought was single. When you two finished up your conversation, she finally discharged you from the medical bay and Joel took you out of there as soon as he could.

Ellie left shortly after to go to her group patrol then Tommy and Maria offered to take Fizzy on a playdate with Jackson's very own dog, Buckley. It felt weird not having her by your side, but she loved all of the attention she was getting, especially from another dog.

With everyone else having their own plans today, Joel decided to take you to his home and then show you around Jackson afterwards on your way to his brother's house to pick up Fizzy.

You were surprised at the style of the homes on your walk in this community as you didn’t expect them to look so well kept. It’s like everything was normal inside the walls of Jackson while the rest of the world looks destroyed and forgotten about.

Joel’s house surprised you the most though, you expected something small, not a two story, detached house and inside his home was even better.

Starting with the outside first, the steps leading up had a white picket fence around the lawn with a large tree on the right side. It had a Christmas type of feel to it with the snow and he also had some lights strung around, but you wouldn't be able to see them until later when it is dark.

Then, you could hear the jingling sounds of the wind chime hanging from his porch, with a singular, chestnut coloured rocking chair beside a small wooden table there too. No doubt, it’s where he would sit to have his morning cup of coffee whenever the weather was nice enough.

“C’mon, baby doll” he beckoned. With it being too cold outside, Joel doesn't bother lingering around and ushers you into his home quickly. You nearly melt when entering as the toasty warmth immediately hits your cheeks.

“You don't have to do that” he assured when seeing you try to take the one shoe off. After noticing you struggle with balancing your weight onto your bad ankle, Joel steps in to hold you steady “It’s just the one shoe, it’s ok, really darlin”

“I got snow on that one shoe, Joel” you reply, explaining the need to take it off.

Joel pecks your cheek and drops to his knees “Ok sweetheart” As you watch him undo the laces and pull off your shoe, you smile and nod at Joel when he asks if that was better.

Still kneeling on the floor, Joel slowly runs his hand up your leg and squeezes your thigh “How bout this, is that better as well?”

Giggling to him as he pinches the sensitive spots around your knee, your legs nearly buckle from beneath you before he does finally stand and apologises for messing around with a kiss.

“Come on old man, give me the tour” joking to him, Joel takes you into the first room that was located on the right as you first entered.

It was his living room and you were amazed at his choice in decor. Straight off the bat, you could tell that Joel keeps his lovely looking home clean. Everything was neat and he had paintings of animals and nature on the wall as well as some fish ornaments on his book shelf.

Deciding that you want to hear some of that hearty laughter of his, you look at Joel and make a sexist jibe “Do you have a wife that I don't know about?”

Joel laughs nervously. With his eyebrows raised, he stammers “What? N-No Y/N, why?”

“Hm” turning away and grinning widely at his alarm, Joel catches this and moves to stand beside you, also smiling.

He asks why again and you spin on the spot, gesturing to his house with your hands “This is why. I think I believe the idea of you having a wife hiding around here somewhere more than you having such great taste”

Joel laughs again. He bites his lip and instead of telling you again that he does not have a wife, he decides to go along with the joke “Ok, you caught me. I’ve been keeping her locked away in the basement”

“Oooh” you taunted and Joel smirked at your tone.

He looked really handsome today, more so than usual. Maybe it was because he was at home, at a place where he was most comfortable and seeing him this way is turning you on like crazy, especially after he grabbed your thigh moments ago.

Standing closer to him and acting on your horny impulse, you looked up into those dark hazel eyes of his and rubbed a hand up his chest, asking seductively “Was she naughty?”

Joel flusters. Licking his lips then puffing a breath of air past them, he struggles to keep himself together in his pants, but replies “Yes… She was naughty.”

Biting your lip and asking what she done, Joel added to that “She tried smacking my ass in the shower”

Although he was talking about you smacking his ass yesterday in the shower, not this imaginary wife of his, you wanted to keep on with the Joke. To keep teasing him.

Letting your eyes roam over his face, your heart was swelling each second you spent in his presence, you could see the desire behind his eyes and you loved it. The way he looks at you is enough to turn you on, let alone hearing him crumble from your words.

So, lifting your hand to run your fingers through his soft hair, Joel closes his eyes at the touch while you brush your lips lightly over his, whispering “How do you punish her?”

“Fuck!” exclaiming quietly under his breath, Joel opens his eyes again and wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you in closer.

Brushing his lips lightly over your cheek and gently nipping at your skin, you shiver from the tickle of his wiry beard but nearly moan when he reaches your ear to whisper back “I spank her first, then I fuck her till she’s sore”

Your plans of teasing Joel are nearly falling apart, you’re falling apart. The arousal in your panties are worsening by his words and you are losing your own battle. So you talk to yourself in your head, to regain your strength.

I’m supposed to be the one teasing him, not the other way around…

After your silent pep talk, you pull away from him and clap your hands together “Man, that wifey of yours sounds reeaally naughty, Joel.”

Watching him readjust his erection in his pants gave you that urge to carry on with your tormenting even if you are finding it hard to keep together yourself.

While Joel stood by his fireplace staring at you, he clears his throat and stands tall “Yep-” Inhaling deeply and slowly looking down your body, he adds “-She’s…. Really naughty.”

Ahhh, this is going to be harder than I thought if he keeps looking at me like this…

“Hm. Um-hm” you hum to him in response.

Turning around to hide your smirk, you walk away to see more of his house and Joel shakes his head. He stares at your ass all the way until it’s out of sight before he follows you across the hall and into his dining room, to stare at it some more.

Walking around his table and leaving him behind, he leans himself against the doorframe and watches you. His eyes are glued to your behind, so you turn it away from him while catching his gaze and narrowing your eyes playfully.

Joel looks at the table then back at you, grinning mischievously and winks before he asks “You want to test how sturdy it is?”

Of course I do, but I want to have fun with you first…

“You are quite something, Joel Miller” you confessed instead of what you were thinking.

Turning your attention to another fireplace, you look at the painting hanging above. It’s a capture of nature with pretty flowers at the front then sandy, desert mountains in the back and it was mesmerizing to look at.

You really do have nice taste, old man…

Thinking in your head again about how nice he keeps his house, Joel interrupts your thoughts by coming up behind you and wrapping his arms around your front, inquiring “Beautiful, don't you think?”

Nodding your head and closing your eyes as he brushes his face against yours, the proximity of him tingles through your body and straight to your cunt.

You’re much better at teasing than what I am, Joel…

Joel brings his lips back to your ear and murmurs “The painting ain't too bad either” You go to laugh but gasp instead when he bites on your earlobe and grinds his erection into you.

God! He is so fucking hard right now…

Joel brings his hand up your body and places it gently on your throat to tilt your head away from him so he can kiss his way down your neck. “Ohh.” grabbing onto his hair and pulling him in, you exhale deeply when he sucks on your skin.

My plans have backfired, in a good way…

“Oh, J-Joel…” Moaning now when he slips his hand inside your pants, it’s like he can read your thoughts as his fingers land directly onto your clit and rubs slow circles while continuing to nip at your neck. You squirm with pleasure under his hold, babbling to him “B-baby, that feels s-so good.”

“I know it does, sweetheart.” he agrees.

Of course you know, Joel...

“You like me doing this don’t you baby?” He groans.

“Ahh! Yes.” Whining to him, your orgasm begins to build very quickly as Joel continues his assault on your little bundle of nerves between your legs and his words in your ear are like sweet honey.

Grabbing onto his arm for support as you buck your cunt into his hand, Joel growls into your skin before walking back to lean against the table for better support. After he places his legs between your own, he gently spreads them and rubs your clit faster.

“Shit! Joel!” Slapping at his arm to get his attention as there is a woman on the street within a direct view of seeing you both through his window, which has the curtains drawn, however Joel doesn't stop.

Instead, he moves his hand from your neck and places it over your mouth, continuing to flick over your nub faster while he whispers deeply into your ear “You think that’s going to stop me?”

Jesus, Joel …

Your wails of pleasure are muffled from his hand over your mouth but he hears your enjoyment and doesn't stop while you jerk your hips faster to reach that blissful peak before you get caught in the act. All while Joel continues to talk to you in a dirty and degrading manner.

“Look at you Y/N” moaning into you ear, he kept grinding into you and then slid his fingers down to your entrance, teasing his finger inside your hole “fucking soaked, aren’t yer?”

Fuck! Yes, all for you baby…

Nodding your head frantically at him, Joel brought his fingers back up to your clit and continued rubbing tight, keen circles around it and added “that’s what I thought darlin, think you could tease me and get away with it?”

Oh shit, he knows…

Your eyes widened with shock because he knew what you were up to. Joel placed his thigh between your legs and let you rock your hips on him, making you throw your head back onto his shoulder with pleasure.

Then you gasped as Joel surged forward towards the fireplace. That lady outside had turned towards your direction and he had caught it before she caught you.

“Don’t worry darlin, I got yer” He reassured. Pushing you closer to that edge now that you were out of sight from prying eyes, Joel’s movements did not falter as he grinded into you again.

“Cum for me baby” He ordered into your ear and you began crying out into his hand as the stars erupted behind your eyes. Joel breathed heavily with frustration but put aside his own needs and praised you “that’s it Y/N, good girl”

Moaning to him, your body twitched with overstimulation as he kept rubbing your clit. It was too much, so you wiggled from beneath his hand and stuttered “t-too s-sensitive”

“Ok darlin” Joel stopped and removed his hand from your underwear. Kissing your cheek before turning your head to kiss your lips, he broke off to ask “You done messing around now?”

“Yes.” Panting heavily and giggling to him, you looked down to his hand and took his fingers in your mouth, sucking and tasting the remnants of your spend before adding “Now I'm done”

Joel shook his head at you and smiled. While you looked down his body, you could see how unbelievably hard he was and when you raised your brows to gawk at his bulge, Joel clicked his fingers to get your attention. “You’re playing with fire today, y/n”

You smiled back, before he began pulling you in for another kiss. It was slow and passionate strokes of his tongue inside your mouth then he smacked the side of your ass really hard, warning “That’s your spank now sweetheart, I’ll give you a sore fucking later tonight”

“Hey!” Whining to him as he began walking away, Joel turned to look and you chanced one more taunt with a wink “Not hard enough.”

While there was a prominent, but welcome sting on your ass, you loved hearing Joel’s laugh. He has just endured your sexual teasing, made you cum while protecting your modesty from his neighbour and now he is laughing with you.

Holding out his hand to you, he offered to show you the rest of his house and you took it. Since you got all of your teasing out of your system, Joel gave you the full tour and it was fun. You could see that he takes pride in his beautiful home.

He showed you where Ellie likes to say too. She has a small garage out back that he helped transform into a small living space for her, while he didn't take you inside, he beamed at how proud of his daughter he was for being so independent. Even if you could tell that he misses her staying with him.

There were pictures everywhere too. You caught glimpses of how happy Joel is through these photographs that he kept throughout his home. There was a family photo of Joel, Ellie, Maria and Tommy at a dinner table eating, then another with him and Ellie stroking a horse in a stable.

However, when you went upstairs and were moving on to another picture of Joel with a young blonde haired girl on his shoulders, he pulled you away into another room before you could get a good look. “This is my workshop I was telling you about” He said delightedly and you could see why too.

There were many guitars laying around his home but here in his workshop, he had four of them strung up on the wall like trophies, just above a small stand with a sheet of music. On a cabinet to your left, you could see some wooden figures laying on each shelf and when Joel stepped away for a moment, you inspected the work more closely.

“You forget about feeding the wife?” Laughing at him and making a joke about whatever the reason was for him stepping away, Joel’s laughter echoes back as you walk towards another table with another wood carving sitting atop of it.

It was a rodeo cowboy on top of a bucking horse and It was amazing to see. Staring at his abilities in awe, you were once again amazed at Joel.

His woodwork was incredible, like nothing you have ever seen before. All of the things he had carved were beautiful and his work had you speechless.

The things he could do with his hands were wonderful, not just bringing pleasure to you but to actually carve these structures out of wood delicately and with such attention to detail was breath taking to look at.

Reaching your hand out to admire his work, you jumped with fright when Joel came up from behind you yelling “Yee-haw!”

“Fucking asshole” slapping his shoulder playfully and chiding him for scaring you, he came up closer and stood right behind you, apologising “M’sorry baby. Didn’t mean to scare yer that bad. Do you like it?”

Nodding your head, confirming that you are in fact very much liking his rodeo cowboy, Joel seats himself down and pulls you back to sit in his lap. “Want me to show you how I do it?”

“I’d love to” You beamed with anticipation to see how he carves and Joel shows you, he takes the chisel in his hands and taps away lightly as the shavings fall onto the bench. Watching him in your prehiporal vision, you could see the focus on his face and it made you smile to see how concentrated he was.

“What you smirking at, huh?” he asked in a suspecting tone. Shaking your head at him, then leaning forward to get a better look, you replied “This cowboy here looks like he knows how to ride a horse, you’ve done a really great job with the detail Joel. It’s incredible”

Joel thanked you and placed the tools back on the bench before swivelling around in the chair towards the wall with the guitars, sharing “I built those guitars too”

“Do you play?” leaning your head on his shoulder and looking into his eyes, Joel nodded his head at you, answering your question. After taking his hands within your own, you thread your fingers between his and whisper “I’d love to listen to you strum something out for me”

“I’ll play for you another time” he offered shyly. You picked up on his nervousness and didn’t try persuading him to play now, it would be better to hear him when he was comfortable. Leaning in to lightly kiss his lips, you reassure “Whenever you feel like it, ok baby?”

You and Joel sat there in his workshop for a little while, holding each other in silence and nearly ended up falling asleep from how peaceful it was. You thought about how you’ve only been in Jackson for two days and you loved it but you knew how much it is going to suck when you need to go home. Sooner rather than later because your fruit and veg need taking care of.

Wishing that you didn’t have to leave, you know you have to. The bunker is your home and Jackson is Joel’s, plus they’re not too far away from each other so you can still see each other easily.

You spent a lot of time thinking this over before reminding yourself that you haven’t even been on a second date with the man yet, so it’s no use worrying about how things will go.

Joel’s thoughts were fairly similar to your own, he worried about when you would ask to leave. He knows that you will eventually go and he doesn't want you to but he also feels silly for thinking this way, this early on because he’s only had one date with you.

Even though you guys have made love countless times, are already calling each other pet names and practically talk to each other like you’re husband and wife, Joel doesn’t want to let that go. He has had a taste for what it’s like to have you here in Jackson and having you in his own home feels like it’s where you belong.

Your bunker isn't that far away and if it meant travelling each and every day to see that beautiful face of yours, then that is what he will do. Joel decides in his head that he will wait till you're ready to leave, to ask how you both are going to alternate your visits together. That’s where he will start.

- Sometime later that day -

“Maria, no. Absolutely not” Looking down on her bed and seeing the little black dress laid out on display, you looked back up to her and repeated your words with certainty “No. It is way too cold for you to wear this.”

Bringing her hands up in surrender, she relented “Ok. You’re right, I’ll probably get frostbite, but hang on, I have some more here”

This has been going on for an hour now. After you and Joel quite literally fell asleep on the chair in his workshop, he woke you up a little while later and brought you to Tommy’s house to collect your dog.

However, Maria hauled you into her bedroom to parade some dresses that she has and hoped that you could give your opinion on which one she should wear for the party. The brothers left you two and and took Fizzy to the party, they said they’d wait for you there.

Maria doesn’t normally wear dresses herself and you think she has acquired some newfound excitement with having you around. You’ve noticed that she is becoming closer to you and you don't mind it, in fact it feels good to have another woman to talk to, but you know Maria is just getting ahead of herself with these outfit choices.

It’s a nice dress, If she were looking to get laid. The material is thin and lacy with a deep v cut in the chest, so after taking one look, you gave your honest opinion.

Grabbing the dress and putting it back on the hanger, Maria turned to place it back in her closet and you asked “Maria, are you sure that dress isn’t lingerie?”

She stopped to look at it for a second, then placed her hand underneath the material. You and Maria began laughing together when she could see how thin and transparent it was, giggling to her, you ask another question “Tell me you haven’t worn that dress before?”

Picking out another garment, she turned and held it up to show you while explaining “Well there was this one time…” she cut herself off from giggling at remembering her experience with that dress.

When you shook your head ‘no’ at the one she was holding up, she threw it in her closet and jumped on the bed beside you, to fully share her story.

“Well, this one time I wore the dress for the Halloween party we hold every year, right?”

Smiling with rosy cheeks, you were beginning to feel embarrassed for her and thought about all the scenarios of her walking around Jackson in lingerie that she thought was a dress and after nodding for her to continue, she explains.

“It all makes sense now Y/N. I didn’t actually end up going to the party, Tommy took one look at me in that dress and it was like…” She lowered her voice into a whisper “Like he was a young man again. A horny as hell, sex crazed young man. So I couldn’t leave the house, I was exhausted after… you know? So Tommy hosted the party and told everyone that I was sick”

With wide eyes and your mouth slightly agape, you stared at Maria in shock, absolutely lost for words. You were so fucking glad that you have been giving your honest opinion over her choices of dresses, even if you felt bad for shooting them down because if not, then she could have been going to this party in lingerie.

You laughed with her “I’m so glad I voiced my opinion and told you no”

Rolling back onto her bed, laughing some more, Maria hunched forward, struggling to breath and together, you both clutched your stomachs from the cramp.

Sitting up properly and wiping away the tears from your eyes, she thanked you “I’m glad you were honest with me, Y/N. I’m going to stick with my usual outfits”

“That would be best. You look beautiful anyways, we don’t need to wear a dress for the party.” You admitted. After chatting some more with Maria, she shared with you that when she wore the dress she felt powerful and sexy.

Then she apologized “I’m sorry for telling you about that, It gets a little lonely round here not having a girlfriend to talk about this stuff with.”

“Maria Miller, you have friends” you playfully nudged her shoulder. She somewhat agreed with you but then interjected to add “I suppose, but you’re Joel’s lady now. That pretty much makes us sisters in law, so I hoped you wouldn’t mind me talking to you about the more personal stuff”

You were taken back by what she said, about you being Joel’s lady and about how she viewed your friendship. If Maria could assume these things, was it safe for you to think about them too?

You really liked Joel, so much in fact that you would consider staying in Jackson to be with him, but that’s too much, too soon. Right?

Realising that Maria practically shared something personal with you, and you’re sitting here quietly thinking about Joel, you worried that she may think you’re uncomfortable during your silence and quickly spoke up “Maria it’s totally ok, I’m glad you feel comfortable talking to me about this. Even though I only listened and laughed at you about nearly ending up walking around Jackson with lingerie, It’s nice to have someone to talk to as well.”

Maria displayed an honest, toothy smile to you and pulled you in for a hug, thanking you again before pulling back and looking to her closet, she came up with a better idea as her usual attire consists of jeans and plaid shirts.

Maria knew there were some clothes in there that would fit you too and she thought you could both dress similarly and comfortably.

After grabbing a couple items to bring back to you, she stated “Simple blue jeans, a nice belt to match and a sleek creamy coloured shirt. I promise it will look good, I have some jewellery and makeup that you could borrow too.”

You were starting to picture yourself in these clothes and could see how good they looked before even trying them on. Smiling to Maria, you asked “You think you could help with my makeup?”

“I’d love to, let's start now” She suggested and sat you in front of her mirror. While she did your makeup, you thought more about your time in Jackson.

At first you were worried about this party, about meeting the rest of the community. It’s been a long while since you have socialized in society considering the fact that you live in a bunker, in the forest with just your dog, so getting back out there with the world felt scary.

But after spending more time here, with the Millers in particular, you know that they’re going to make it an enjoyable time for you. They have opened their arms and welcomed you into their home without hesitation, however they’re also making it harder for you to leave. So, the only question that keeps ringing through your head is..

Do I really want to leave?

—

Joel stood by the bar with a beer in his hands, with Tommy and together, they both waited for you and Maria to turn up at this Thanksgiving party.

He left you an hour and half ago at his brother's house and while he knows that Maria is probably dragging out her ‘girl time’ with you, he is starting to wonder what is taking so damn long with getting ready.

Throwing on a warm brown plaid shirt, tucked into his usual blue jeans and then tying up the laces to his smart, occasional wear boots, it took Joel roughly fifteen minutes to get ready. That included a shower and one beer with Tommy before he left his house and walked to the town's bar with your dog.

“I’m giving them two more songs before I'm heading over there” he declared to his brother.

Tommy nearly choked on his drink from laughter and after widening his eyes at who has just entered the bar, he pulls Joel to face the other direction, warning “Your stalker’s just got here, you sure you don't want to just split now?”

Knowing exactly who his brother is talking about, Joel contemplates making a run for the exit, but her high pitched voice greeting them both has Joel sighing with defeat.

Turning around and giving Tommy a stern look too, he slowly turns to greet Sam back. “Howdy”

“There’s my two favourite cowboys. How ya’ll doing?” She spoke with an exaggerated Texas drawl.

Both Tommy and Joel replied blankly “Fine”

“Why the long faces fellas? It’s Thanksgiving, so are you going to give me a dance tonight?” She asked a couple of questions and her attempt at their accent was beginning to grind on Joel’s nerves.

Dropping his head and laughing with disbelief, Joel looked to his brother for help as he was struggling to keep his temper under control.

He doesn't like her all that much, since the second time he declined going out with her, she didn't take no for an answer and still doesn't seem to, so his patience is wearing mighty thin.

He hoped that when Sam saw you and him together, she would get the idea that he is not interested, but clearly it is not penetrating her brain.

Over their silence, he also hoped she would pick up on their obvious discomfort and just leave them alone, but that also does not work.

“Have a good night Sam.” Tommy piped out, encouraging her to leave with a light tap to her shoulder.

She didn't budge and started speaking to the pair again but Joel filtered it all out. It was just white noise at this point as his vision zeroed in on you, entering the bar.

You were stunning. Literally taking Joel’s breath away as his eyes bore into you and he couldn't move, couldn't speak or think. All he could do was look, and by god did Joel look. He stared and drank in every inch of your body.

The cute, singular ankle boot you wore with your cast on your other foot, Joel slowly worked his way up your body and shuddered with desire at your legs.

Your tight blue jeans clung to your body perfectly, outlining your figure for him magnificently and he nearly groaned when seeing your ass.

He desperately, like his life depended on it, wanted to grab your ass, to permanently place his hand on one side and keep it there to show everyone in this room that you were his. Then Joel’s eyes widened even more.

Your breasts were like eye candy to him. Joel stared at your boobs like he was a teenager seeing them for the first time ever. Perky and round, he closed his eyes briefly to remember what they look like bare and how your nipples tasted in his mouth.

Reopening his eyes to continue his wandering gaze up your body, Joel could faint with feeling in his heart and the butterflies in his stomach.

Your eyes. Those soul capturing, sparkling eyes of yours were like magnets drawing him in. He never thought it was possible for them to be any more beautiful than they already are, but here you are, wearing a little bit of mascara and he is lost within them.

Your slightly curled hair bounced with each turn of your head, and when Joel saw your lips, he thought about holding handfuls of your hair to pull you in for a kiss.

Licking his own lips at the thought of yours wrapped around his cock, Joel was floored by the way you look. By the way his girl looks.

He wants you. He needs you. Joel knows now that can’t spend each day without waking up to those eyes any longer, so he walks towards you.

Yelling “Move!” to Sam as she tried to stand in his path, it had captured not only your attention but a few others too, but Joel didn’t have a single care in the world as he kept walking.

“Joel, are you ok-Oh! Mm” cutting off your question, he slipped his hand around your waist and yanked you in close to kiss you. Humming into him, your eyes closed with his and he showed you that he was ok, more than ok.

Holding you tighter than he ever has before and using his other hand to rub his fingers over your cheek, Joel kissed you like it was your last day on earth, as if this kiss was his last act before death.

“Don’t leave.” he whispered into your mouth. Pulling back from him and muttering ‘what’ under your breath, Joel placed your hands to his cheeks and repeated his words with certainty “Don't leave, stay here in Jackson, Y/N.”

Closing his eyes, Joel clarifies “Move in with me, baby”

The tears were welling up in your eyes. Smiling to him and drawing in the breath to say yes, your attention was directed to Sam behind him and what she was doing, had your face reddening with anger.

Storming up to her and leaving Joel behind, you held off with your answer, for now...

Next Chapter

——————————————————————————-

I know!!! I know I’ve left it on a cliff hanger 😭. But these fics are going to be like 10k each time, unless you don’t mind that?? 🤔 let me know your thoughts on this read 💜🥰

@marydjarin @extraneous-trip

[astaroth1357]

Demigod MC Series: Demeter

Have I been using this series to vicariously punish Belphie for the events of Season 1? I cannot confirm nor deny that statement.

Demigod MC Series: Intro, Aphrodite, Hermes, Hades, Dionysus, Demeter

Lucifer

Didn't think too much of the "human" when they popped out of the portal. Sure they had a straw hat and a huge basket full of produce but it wasn’t like they were… Wait… No… Were they…?

Oh no. Oh nonononono, this is not good…!!

Demeter is notoriously doting and protective of her children (see her freakout and breakdown after Hades abducted of Persephone as proof) and they've pretty much done the EXACT. SAME. THING. here!!

It was a mad scramble by him and Diavolo to contact and appease their godly Mother Bear before she came roaring down to Devildom herself to turn them all into barley. Thankfully, Zeus must have intervened at some point because though she was indeed PISSED, she didn't threaten to barge in… yet.

She made one thing very clear. Bend so much as a single hair on her precious child's head and there would be WAR…

The MC received a 24 hour security detail after that. Just Mammon wasn't going to cut it, he needed NO chances. It was a full rotation of Mammon, him and Beel for the entirety of their stay (Asmo and Levi both threw hissy fits at the prospect of babysitting, Satan couldn’t be trusted not to kill them just to irritate him, and Belphie was out for… obvious reasons).

In some ways, it wasn’t so bad. The MC was a very mild sort of person, rather even tempered. He’d dare say they were pleasant, mostly content to just tend to their gardens and be out in the moonlight…

But the problem was, he just could not convince them to stay OUT of nature. Including the forests, which were full of hellish beasts fully intent on gnawing their flesh from their bones… and their specialty was plants, not animals, sooo…

Their habit of sneaking out to wander the woods got so bad that he very nearly considered pulling a Belphie 2 and locking them in the basement for their own good. But Devil knows what damage their mother would do if she found out���

At least they make for pleasant company… And Diavolo seems to like them quite a bit himself so the mortal gets a pass from him. Now if they’d only consider their own safety for a change…

Mammon

They make him a KILLING.

Like, no seriously. Their produce is insane!! He’s never tasted food so good, especially stuff that’s come fresh from the ground! It only took a few berries for Mammon to throw on a straw hat himself and start harvesting! He’s a farmer now, baby!!

Weeellll not quite. He’s still absolutely only in it for the money, but anything he brings to a farmer’s market goes so fast that he can hardly care about the labor! He’s never made this much Grimm in his life!! And it’s totally legit for a change!

He bought himself another car, paid off half of his debt, and even got Levi back that 2 or 3 grand he leant him centuries ago. Really, Mammon’s living his best life and it’s all thanks to MC!

It’s a good thing his blatant grifting doesn’t hurt his relationship with them at all, in fact they seem to enjoy having his help regardless. They bring him drinks on hot days or invite him on picnics and stuff, it’s… it’s really sweet. They’re very nice to him and he appreciates it…

But… COULD YA JUST STAY PUT ALREADY???

It drives him INSANE that they won’t stay out of dangerous places!! After he started caring about them for more than just a meal ticket it only got even worse!!

He’s not usually one for monitoring someone’s every move (that kind of control freak behavior is more a Lucifer thing) but he eventually had to set up familiars around the House just to keep them from sneaking out at night...

What was so interesting out there anyway?? There wasn’t any kind of plant that he could bring them himself! They didn’t have any need to be out there!! 

They’d keep telling him they’d be fine but it’s not like he’s going to actually buy that. They were too… nice to be dangerous or anything so why would he believe them?

No more running off, MC! Please, he’s beggin’ ya!!

Leviathan 

Wait, gardening? Like, being outdoors and stuff? Ew. No thanks, he’ll pass.

That was more or less his first reaction when they showed up and it never really got much better than that…

He admits that they’re friendly and it’s not like he dislikes them or anything, but their thing so far from his thing that they just don’t have a lot in common… you know?

For starters, they get So. Antsy. when they’re inside for too long! He tried to invite them to a marathon once, but they could hardly keep still and kept looking around like they were searching for a window… He said, “to jump out of.” They insisted just for some fresh air, but he didn’t buy it...

They’re nice enough to listen to his rants, but they’re barely ever inside for him to do so and like HELL is he going to leave his room and stand around out there for that long. Ranting is at least a one to two hour engagement! What if he gets hot out there? And have you SEEN Devildom bees?? Hell no!!

He has, however, asked them on multiple occasions to reproduce flowers he’s seen in different anime, especially ones that have a very unique look and they’ve done some real wonders with that!

He can now claim to be the only person to ever own a Ruby-Jade Vine plant, straight from the pages of TSL when it was used to brew tea for the Lord of Lechery during his brief illness and-is anyone even still listening anymore?

The point is, it’s a flower so rare it was imaginary but now HE has it!... or had it for about a week until his utter incompetence of all things plant killed it…

He begged the MC for another but they were out of the plants they needed to make it and would have to go back to the human world to find more… He’s still mourning his loss… Poor Henry 4.0…

Satan

Well… He’s called this MC “salt of the Earth” and he does truly mean it. Take of that what you will.

He doesn’t get much in the way of intellectual conversation out of this mortal UNLESS he’s talking about plants, farming, or botany… Interesting topics and complex in their own right to be sure, but that’s pretty much their wheelhouse and they like it there.

That being said, the feats that they can perform are genuinely mind-blowing! They are the ONLY person he has ever met who can cultivate the Devildom’s own ultra-rare Phantom Orchid, a plant only blooms when it reaches a perfect state of undeath (i.e. both taken care of and neglected just enough so that it's only barely alive. The balance is so tricky to master that one hasn’t bloomed down there for centuries!)

There’s also something just genuinely relaxing about watching them work or helping them in the gardens… More so than he’d ever expected from such a simple activity.

He admits that he’s taken quite a few strolls through the flower-filled courtyard of the Demon Lord’s Castle just to admire its beauty... But anything that they can grow just blows all of that out of the water!

They even taught him several magic botanical techniques so now he can grow some pretty mad plants himself. Lucifer never expected to find that giant Venus Flytrap in his closet, but one was there regardless. 😏

Just… out of curiosity one day, he asked the MC if they could make him a new kind of catnip. Not for any nefarious reason! You know… just for research purposes…

The nip they made was so effective that the House grounds were FILLED with nipped-up cats for a whole month! He was in Heaven!! (and Lucifer practically wiped those plants from existence so he couldn’t get any more… asshole...)

That must have inspired them because they apparently made a demons-only version that they told him about WELL after the fact. Had he known, he probably would have burned the stuff on principle... Do you know how dangerous demon-nip could be to them? Experiment responsibly, MC!

Asmodeus 

Ehhhh, gardening SOUNDS like one of those things that should be super Devilgram-able, but then you realize how sweaty and dirty you get in the process and it’s a huge turn off… Sorry MC.

When they first came down to the Devildom, he thought two things: 1) Such a sweet little flower child, as adorable as they were, would never survive; and 2) even if they could, he would never ever see eye-to-eye with them on the “wonders” of getting all up in the dirt.

Well, he was right about 2, but certainly not 1. Personally, he thinks his brothers worry about them too much, they ARE still a demigod.

At one point he saw a pack of hellhounds almost trample one of their vegetable gardens and they lost it. Word to the wise, never try to take on a child of Demeter in their own garden. Those hounds were wrapped up in rose vines before they could even yelp...

Yeah, the MC would be fine.

That being said, while everybody else clamors over their produce, he thinks that their flowers are really where it’s at!

Taking just five minutes in one of their gardens is something else... He’s never seen blossoms as healthy and immaculate in all the Devildom before! Their beauty could (almost) rivals his own! What they do isn’t just a hobby, it’s an art.

He’s taken multiple pictures with their blossoms and they go viral every time. It’s so rare to actually see gorgeous, petal-filled flowers in the Devildom, most of the native plants are of the man-eating variety.

His only complaint about this MC is that they seem to feel much more at home in work clothes and dirt than they do in any sort of party-look he tries to give them… Cute as they are, they can afford to gussy up sometimes can’t they? Mud and grass stains don’t make for a good look, sorry.

Beelzebub 

Beel gardens and the MC gardens as well. Add on that they seem to be able to grow all manner of fruits and veggies and he likes this one. A lot.

They had just finished apple-picking when the portal nabbed them so they had a massive basket of apples at the time. Naturally, Beel more or less stole the thing on sight, but the apples inside were so juicy and good that he almost shook them down for more on the spot!

Imagine his surprise when they, half pleadingly, explained to him that if he got them some seeds they could just grow more… and it wouldn’t even take that long.

To be clear, the formula he saw was this: Get seeds > bring seeds to mortal > mortal grows seeds > mortal makes endless supply of food….

Congratulations MC, you’ve now earned the sixthborn’s eternal loyalty after a grand total of… two minutes. He didn’t even know their name, but he was willing to take a bullet for them (provided he got more of those apples).

The next several months were spent with Beel attached to them to the hip in some way, but honestly? It was just so wholesome anyway…

If he’s helping in the garden, he never complains. He does most of the heavy lifting and actually likes being out there with them (unlike others...)

Many afternoons were spent sitting under fruit trees and talking. Sometimes, they go to the trouble of preparing a picnic or something but it would always inevitably end with Beel plucking the whole tree clean of whatever ripe (or unripe) fruit he can get his hands on with a smile. 

The MC never minded though. That’s just another excuse to grow more, right?

His only problem was when the MC would sneak out to the forest… especially when they get too antsy and just go alone. 

He HATES it when they do that! How is he supposed to keep them safe if they just wander off?? He knows that they have a special connection to nature and all, but it isn’t safe…

He’s flown in and scooped them back up to the House on numerous occasions and his “talking tos” get sterner after every rescue... Please stay put, MC! He’d have so many reasons to be sad if you were eaten… 😔

Belphegor 

Okay, he was looking for a capable, if not gullible, human. Not a shoeless flower hippy!

He honestly wasn't expecting much out of this one... Damn their little heart because they did genuinely believed his lies, it’s just that they weren't… well… They were really good at gardening.

… And it grew kind of hard to keep hating them whenever they'd show up just to give him fresh berries or a bouquet to see him smile… He may claim that his heart is made of nightmares and orphan tears, but who doesn’t enjoy being given a batch of flowers? 

Damn their sweetness too… Right to here.

When it came time to kill them he had a heavier heart than he thought he would, but kind of saw it like putting down the sacrificial lamb. Gotta be done to reach better goals... Stiff upper lip and all that.

Unfortunately for him, they had taken to carrying packets of demon-nip with them as a self-defense measure…

He wasn’t exactly sure what he expected when they shouted “Get nipped!” at him mid-attack, but it wasn’t a face full of some smelly herb! Like, really smelly…! Actually, that smelt kind of good… Hold on.

Turns out murderous rage really doesn’t last long after you get what is effectively ultra-strong catnip thrown in your face. They ended up having to go and tell Lucifer what happened themselves because Belphie was way too blissed out on the floor to do anything... They were legitimately worried they might have fried his brain...

He’s told the effects of the demon-nip lasted three days. He doesn’t know, because he hardly remembers any of it... They described him as like he was high on “weed” and “ecstasy” at the same time but he doesn’t know what either of those are either so it wasn’t helpful…

Truthfully, they were so nice to him while he was recovering that he couldn’t even be mad afterwards so all's well that ends well? Either way, he’s sleeping under their orchard trees from now on. It’s peaceful out there...

They burnt all that nip though. It’s some strong stuff...