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hostelsbigbro · 2 years

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Why I think Samuel has BPD

Before proceeding I would like to say; I have already done this post before and I would like to try and format my thoughts in a more organised way.

I, myself, have BPD as well. I am not saying that everybody who has it acts a certain way and or is violent. However, to me, it's very clear there could be a possibility he does and it is very untreated.

I don't condone bad things he had done, however I still really really like him as a character.

Also, I am aware that PTJ does not care about smaller details or character building unless it benefits the plot, saving time for himself while planning or he hyperfixates on an aspect. Remember, this is a theory for entertainment purposes.

Before going in deep, I will explain what BPD is for people who might not know; bpd is short for borderline personality disorder which affects one ability to think, feel and interact with other people. It is an impulsive disorder which causes extreme mood and view shifts in people.

That aside, you might call this projection - maybe it is, maybe not, however, I do have points to support my theory, and I will tell you!

These are the symptoms of BPD;

1) Fear of abandonment 2) Unstable relationships 3) Unclear shifting self image 4) Impulsive, self destructive behaviours / substance abuse 5) Self harm 6) Extreme emotional mood swings 7) Chronic feeling of emptiness 8) Explosive anger 9) Feeling out of touch with reality

Samuel meets most, if not all, however let's go through each one together, so you can have a more formatted opinion of your own!

Fear of abandonment.

I think it's clear that throughout his life, because of his father, he felt a fear of being left behind, of being alone. When we first met him, he no longer had this fear - at least it didn't show, from what I noticed. - This is clearly not the strongest point in my opinion, he may or may not have this symptom, and I am leaning towards no. He could have had this fear without it tying it to a mental illness.

Unstable relationships

We all know that Jake is important to him, however he may not be able to show it well. If he wouldn't look at Jake as someone special Eugene wouldn't worry about if he will "soften up" upon seeing Big Deal.

While I don't think Samuel is dumb, he clearly has a hard time communicating his feelings and especially doing so in a healthy format.

Throughout his life, he was abused by everyone he had a relationship with - platonic that is, I have no idea about his romantic interests. - parents, friends and people he looked up to. Not every abuse is the same though, so it picked him apart one by one causing him to not be able to interact with people he cares for in a healthy way. Or, just with people in general.

His most stable relationship is with Eugene, who might be an asshole, but he gives respect to Samuel. - He lets him rest, and shows trust in him, he talks to him in a polite manner without belittling him. That is something that Samuel didn't get unless he 'fought' for it.

I am aware that Johan isn't a person that is close to Samuel, but for whatever reason, he cares enough to help him.

He has told him to sell shoes and not cry so people will not attack him. Thanks to that, Johan could sell shoes.

Also, he had told him the truth about the drug situation, helping Johan realise that workers were using him, not adoring him for his talent.

I would comment more on Jake, but I think that is unnecessary as we all know their dynamic.

All in all, he has a hard time to show his feelings in a polite manner unless he has been treated nicely. Though, that doesn't mean he does not care, he just shows it in a way that is not out of his comfort zone. Ex; Checking up on Sinu when he could, bickering with Eli during the fight.

Unclear shifting self image

Aka lack of sense for identity. I am not sure if he fits that, because he clearly knows his interests, his likes and his goals. However, if you want to argue he has that, we could bring up the example of him wanting to be a king.

Impulsive and destructive behaviours

Now, for this one we both have his impulsive behaviours and substance abuse. For substance abuse, we have alcohol. We know he doesn't dislike it, drinks it, and especially in the past - around 17 to 18 - he drank it frequently. I do consider his smoking a factor as well, but since I am aware many other people might not, in this part I won't touch up more on it.

For impulsive behaviours we can take; Hanging on the 'ladder' of a helicopter, sitting on the edge of buildings, changing 'sides' constantly, killing his own gang - ? - in order to achieve acknowledgement from Gun. These are all things he did not think about deeply or rationally.

Self harm

Self harm is not just doing cuts on your body, it comes in many ways.

For him, it could be smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, however what a lot of people might not consider; tattoos are a form of self harm to many people.

Now, of course not everyone who has tattoos gets them for that reason, that is incredibly silly to say. However, Samuel has it in many places of his body, almost all except his face. - well, we don't know about specific places but we absolutely don't have to. - These include; his chest, adams apple, collar bones.. and many other places which are incredibly hard to tolerate.

However, if that looks like a stretch to you, we can consider his need for constant fight and his preference to use knuckles.

Knuckles hurt like hell for both parties involved, even if you are the one using it, you are guaranteed to hurt your fingers in the process.

However, we can argue he doesn't have this, if you are really stubborn.

Extreme emotional mood swings

We can see him have these in multiple occasions, the most recent ones being him going from 0 to 100 when his car is damaged. He went from a calm yet annoyed state of mind, to such an angry one that he beat up multiple people in a matter of minutes.

As well as calming down in the sauna after realising that people are scared of his anger and it would not be appropriate to fight Eli at such a place.

When he went to drink soju we could see he was down, then became excited, then mad, then excited once again, then bored, then disappointed. All in the matter of at max 15 minutes. This was of course because he was excited to have a challenging fight again, however that doesn't take away anything from our point.

Chronic feelings of emptiness

We often see this in him.

When we first met him, during the first - ? - workers arc, he was chronically empty. That to a point that he let someone like Alexander bully him. Simply because he did not care, he didn't have the will to care. Also, in many famous panels of him such as him sitting in a bathtub, or him in that red shirt, just doing his job he is shown to be empty.

While you can argue he is calm, I personally think PTJ intentionally makes his expression differ from others in such panels. Expressions are something he is really great at.

Explosive anger

I mean, he is Samuel. We know he just gets angry easily. However, I will tell examples I can think of.

For example, in the sauna with Eli. When Gun's name was mentioned in that one chapter - can't exactly remember which -., when he beat - or killed - his dad. When he felt belittled by big deal.

I could go on, but we get it.

Feeling out of touch with reality

Finally, our last symptom! We can argue that his desire to have a dad lead him to the delusion that Kim Gapryong was his father. - Although, I really don't blame him at all for that. He had many things misleading him. - Although I don't think this is a strong point, it is something to work with.

You need to show at least five of these symptoms to be considered to have BPD by professionals. Samuel has, without assumptions, six of these symptoms. If you want to go for it, he has all nine symptoms. But even by conservative approach, he has six, which is "enough".

And now, you might think I cannot assume this all based on symptoms, and you are right. I don't! I will talk about two more things.

People with BPD have a favourite person. Not everyone, but most people do.

The definition of a favourite person in relations to BPD; A person who the affected person is obsessed with, even if they feel like they hate the person they need them to be a part of their life in one way or another. They require the attention and validation said favourite person. While doing so, they might experience; jealousy, wavering image towards the person - love and hate, once hot once cold. - and strong need to be around them. That's not all! If someone with BPD has a favourite person, alongside these, they will have the need to please them and have fantasies about the person acknowledging them. As well as thinking of them when making major decisions.

In my opinion, Samuel's favourite person is Gun, but you can argue that it's Jake since both of them 'fit'.

Note; Although it's more likely to have one favourite person it is not impossible for someone to have multiple.

And last, but not least, probably the most important bit, what causes bpd?

Here are some things to lead to someone developing bpd;

They are environmental factors.

Being a victim of emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Being exposed to long term distress or fear as child. Having at least one neglective parent. Growing up with an adult who had a mental health issue or some sort of addiction.

Without a doubt, Samuel experienced all of these. His mom had quite a few pills around her desk - leading to the obvious suspicion of drug abuse. Please remember, medicine are a form of drugs, you can always get addicted to them.

However, we know that due to this, she often slept, and when she didn't she was either abusive or neglectful of Samuel.

He was very skinny as a child; didn't eat properly or had the ability to get food for himself until later. He often wore the same clothes, leading to the suspicion that her mom was unemployed and didn't care for his well being much.

There are of course things that are facts; Samuel was hit and cursed at every time he would ask about his father and his emotional needs was never met from a very young age.

He was beaten by neighbourhood kids as well, bullied everyday for being poor and not having a father.

He was abused and bullied, cursed at everyday, he did not have a safe place and it is safe to say this has been going on ever since he is born. Which is very important as the brain is very vulnerable before the age of 7 and is more likely to develop illnesses.

So all in all it is safe to assume that Samuel has bpd.

But hey that is just a theory! A personal one, which I love because it helps me understand him on a deeper level, I might be wrong or not! Either way, I am very curious on the thought of others!

Thank you for reading this far! <3

#yall i did not proof read these for typos #too long for me ngl #thats what sh-#lookism #외모지상주의 #samuel #jake #gun #haha #i am actually curious

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lord-king-saint · 4 years

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Processing Pink

Up until the finale, Steven Universe Future had been building up the fact that Steven is actively resisting processing his emotions-- so I'm surprised and shocked that during the finale we don't see any processing on screen at all.

In "Homeworld Bound", Steven flees in shame from the Diamonds, who actively want to understand what is going on with him; but when he returns home after basically abandoning his family, he says he's fine and Garnet just... takes his word for it? Remember her saying: "We will always be your family"? What happened to all that tension and concern?

"Everything's Fine" was such a strange episode because Steven is literally unstable, showing enormous mood swings, and everyone is carrying on and playing baseball like nothing is happening? It doesn't feel like the Steven Universe that I remember. It feels like some... alternate reality where they're milking the situation for humor?

Though I adore Steven's breakdown before his corruption, "I Am My Monster" still doesn't involve Steven processing his feelings. Yes, Steven responds well to physical touch in the show, so The Big Hug was sweet and reasonable. And, like everyone else, I loved that Connie diffused their pity party and focused everyone on Steven.

But then there's a fucking time-skip, right after Steven's beautiful cathartic cry. And after that time-skip, even though the gems had supposedly been very protective, we only see the gems basically neglecting Steven again, so he can move away without guilt. So any real care and emotional processing was done off screen-- and I have a problem with that.

On screen, Steven comes closest to processing his feelings toward his mom in "What's Your Problem", with Amethyst in Fish Stew Pizza. His feelings about Rose are arguably the central conflict in the entire series! So why is this the sole moment Steven has to process his feelings about her?

His conflict with Rose bleeds into his other conflicts as well: his feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, his compulsive need to fix her (and everyone's) problems, his feelings toward being a Diamond, wondering if he's even real or just Rose, the physical and emotional trauma from her enemies, his pattern of being disillusioned and then having to assume responsibility, and even his compulsive need for secrecy!

It's true that Rose is a grey character and that her arc was in reverse, so there's plenty of controversy around this mysterious character. The crewniverse did a fabulous job with her story and perhaps it's a good thing that they leave so much about Rose up for interpretation.

Rose's character is all about deconstructing your idols, and then drawing your own conclusions-- and she's never redeemed. She never resolves things with Bismuth, or the Diamonds, or Spinel, or Pearl-- and she doesn't show up in the finale for Steven to guide him. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it wouldn't have been rewarding, no matter how much we crave it.

But Steven's feelings toward his mom is another story. I am so confused why they hardly addressed them on-screen. It was literally horrific to watch Steven's downward spiral, but the fact that no one said aloud, "That's a lot of pressure and I'm sorry" does not sit well with me. People with PTSD and Atlas Complexes need hugs, but they also need to have their feelings validated-- and that is never done for the audience to see.

The show is applauded for its careful depiction of trauma, but no one takes the time to validate the pressure that Steven is under. Not even a little. His realization that he isn't Rose in "Change Your Mind" is probably the most gorgeous moment in the show-- but Steven turned into a monster because he thinks he should be over it, but he isn't.

The reason why people like Steven are so lonely is because they live in another dimension from other people. He compulsively makes people happy, but his complusion for secrecy that he inherited from his mother, makes him unable to be present and happy too. It's torturous to actively make people happy but then still feel alone, surrounded by smiling faces.

Steven doesn't need to be fixed. He needs to be seen for what he's going through, and told that it's okay to feel what he feels-- even if it's confusing. Especially if it's confusing! People watching at home need to know that too. Even though Steven actively resisted being seen and validated, it definitely needed to happen after he turned into a monster and tried to "hug" the temple to death.

Amethyst was the real MVP in the show for Steven, but even she would continually remind Steven to stop fixing, without addressing his underlying feelings on-screen. Both of them are the byproducts of a non-structured "hippie" upbringing, where the parental figures were running from stricter family structures, but emotional neglect still happens in alternative family units.

That is why Greg couldn't help Steven. He made himself available and was endlessly supportive, but he never validated Steven because he never tried to see what Steven refused to show. Greg probably thought it would make him an intrusive authority figure like his parents by prying, but it was still bad parenting. Maybe if Greg showed more initiative and concern, Steven would have seen that his problems were valid.

While I was watching Steven's breakdown escalate, I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for the moment when the gems and Connie and everyone would finally see Steven and validate him. Steven doesn't know that his mother issues are important, but they are, and validation would mirror back to Steven that it's okay to be confused and angry with Rose.

Because she's gone, he might not ever resolve those feelings toward her, but someone still needed to tell Steven that they see him, and that his mother issues are valid and important, and that they support him. It's not going to solve his problems-- it isn't a substitute for therapy-- but it's an important step. Since the gems were so neglectful before, it would have been amazing to get even a glimpse of that in the finale, and I'm disappointed that it will never happen.

I love that everyone finally saw Steven. I love that the gems were protective of Steven. And, I'm happy that he finally got the care that he needed. I just wish even some of it was on-screen. It makes seeing my boy go... bittersweet.

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echo-three-one · 3 years

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Chapter 24

I should really put effort on summaries, right? Anyways... Enjoy! ❤️

Table of Contents

Going Dark - Part 3

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

MacTavish Residence, Glasgow, Scotland

Roach never would have guessed that MacTavish was a big time. Their 'old' house was already a mansion, complete with guest rooms, extravagant furniture and even an outdoor pool. Roach could stay here forever.

He was laying on a queen sized bed relaxing after a tiring chase earlier when Ghost knocked on his door and let himself in.

"What's wrong mate?" he asked, lifting only his head. Ghost leaned by the door and crossed his arms.

"You know how I got into a little argument with France back in Brazil right? Well, I still regret it ever happening…" he frowned, as shown by the way the fabric of his mask twitched.

"You regret which part? The fighting or the telling her what you feel?" Gary asked, cornering the ever vague Simon. He always does that when it comes to asking for advice.

Ghost ran a hand across his face and groaned.

"Bloody Hell, mate. Why do you have to ask those kinds of things?" he complained.

"So I could be clear as to which one I should recommend you to do." He replied quickly. He was very willing to help, but if Simon refuses to cooperate, then maybe he could handle it on his own.

"There's still one thing… I've been meeting with Alexandra not just for intel… " the tone of his voice was hesitant but he took a sharp inhale and continued.

"... we've also been sleeping together. No strings attached. For her it eases her tension from all the work while I try to forget about my feelings for Francine."

Gary didn't know what to say. Simon wasn't the kind of person to give up easily, and he fully understood the reasons for his latest actions.

"Well, it looks like Francine already made her choice, right?" Gary asked, trying to confirm from Simon that he already lost the battle.

"I'm not quite sure. Everytime I see her, she's physically distancing herself from Soap but later that night, they actually slept beside each other. She's making me confused and it still makes my heart beat for her…" Ghost admitted. As tough as he is on the battlefield, so was his admiration toward Francine. Gary pondered on how to help out his friend in this love triangle situation he caught himself in, but every direction he thought of would result in Ghost actually ending up sad.

The discussion was interrupted when a plane was heard from the distance, as it approached the nearby open area. It looked like the girls made it home.

"Looks like they're here." Roach sounded excited while Ghost looked worried.

It was impressive how they managed to bring most of their stuff from Brazil here in Scotland. It wasn't that much but the idea of packing things for six people in a hurry made Roach impressed.

"How did you bring most of this stuff?" Roach curiously asked Maxine as he helped her carry her stuff.

"Well, Samantha asked for help from his Dad and they immediately flew to Brazil." Maxine replied cheerfully, Roach loved how she managed to see the bright side of everything amidst the panic.

"So will Samantha-"

"No. They had a long talk with his Dad and she felt much safer back here with us. Her Dad wanted to offer help now that the New York Attack was over, but Samantha insisted, especially now that they're out hiding."

"Doesn't he have the power to like, pardon us for being wanted? That would make life much more easier for us."

"I thought of that too… but they're seeing Shepherd differently now. He's gone mad. And they want to corner him. Any action involving him may result in a global cripple. And I just heard all this on the plane ride here." Maxine frowned.

"Then that makes our job of locating him all worth it." Roach smiled giving hope to Maxine.

Maxine just nodded, her face was full of fear and doubt. She just wished all of this was over.

With Soap probably asleep, Roach had the liberty of touring the girls around the house, it was huge and spacious that each of them could occupy a room with about two more rooms to spare.

"Man, I could stay here forever." Roach mused as they walked the halls of the second floor. These four rooms are already occupied, most of the empty rooms are over there…" Gary pointed to the other end of the hall. Maxine looked at France and nodded as they both agreed to stay in one room.

"What about you, Miss Samantha?" Gary asked with sophistication, imitating a butler. Samantha giggled and blushed.

"I'll actually be sleeping with Alex, thanks Mr. Sanderson." she replied, playing along with Roach's role play. For a short moment, Roach felt relaxed. He hasn't felt like this for a while and it was too overwhelming. But while the enemies hid in the shadows, he was sure the team would be up for a tough fight anytime soon.

Despite being tired, Roach couldn't sleep. He felt that there was something or someone else he needed to consult. So, he decided to get up and get himself a glass of water down the kitchen. While he could hear himself gulping down a glass of water, he could also hear faint thumping from the basement. With high alert, he began descending down the stairs to investigate the source of the sound.

It was Simon. He was still up and doing sparring rounds with a red punching bag, each of his punches sent the bag swinging violently.

"You okay?" Gary finally asked, alerting Simon of his presence.

"Can't sleep." he said nonchalantly, giving the punching bag another mighty punch. Roach took a minute to admire the huge gym Soap had, each piece of equipment probably spent a fortune. He slowly paced to the small area filled with equipment and grabbed himself some boxing mitts and a protective helmet.

"So, why don't we resume our little talk?" Gary called as he presented himself to Simon on full boxing coach gear. Simon immediately positioned himself and Gary did the same as they began training with the intention of talking it out.

Simon's punches were heavy, Roach could feel a little emotion on each hit he made and it was starting to make him unstable.

"So, anything you'd want to discuss?" Roach initiated, his hands carefully met his punches as they circled around the area.

"I've been trying to ignore her, Gary. You see me try right? But the more I don't think of her, the more excited I get when I accidentally see her. It's frustrating." He explained in between his punches. There it was, the thing bothering him the most.

"What did she say back in Brazil? She probably said something that kept you from moving on. I can't think of anything else that might cause you to feel this way, unless you're lying." Roach tilted his head so he could see Simon's reaction. His punches stopped coming and he just stood there, his hands dropped to his sides.

"She… she didn't say anything… but she distances herself to John while I'm around."

"John MacTavish or John Price?" Gary interrupted, in an attempt to brighten up the mood, but instead all he got was Simon's 'are-you-kidding-me-right-now?' look.

"But when I'm not around, she finds time to see him…" Simon continued. Gary took off his gloves and tapped his shoulder.

"She… she was being considerate." Simon concluded. It looked like Gary did his job. He could feel Simon's shoulders relax upon realizing what was actually going on.

"Despite all that… she sacrificed a little just to not hurt you." Gary added, he had no intention of making Simon guilty but now that he realized it, he was making an impact toward the relationship that was blooming between Soap and France.

"Thanks, Gary. For being a great friend…" Ghost took off his gloves and walked out of the gym.

"... and the worst therapist." He joked with a grin as he walked up the stairs and left Gary in the gym.

"I hope you find your peace, Simon." Gary muttered.

The following morning, the team was already busy walking around the house. Soap was on the phone with a long list of things the girls ordered for their restock. It was planned that for the time being, the team was to stay in the MacTavish residence while Nero and Shepherd were off the grid.

Price and Jack started their own little command center inside Soap's father's office just by the living room. They began creating connections to their closest contacts to track activity from their enemies. Ghost seemed to be not around at the moment and Gary guessed he's still asleep.

Soap nodded a greeting to Roach as he walked by him on his way to the kitchen. Maxine and France were out opening drawers and anything in the pantry to clear up space for supplies. From the kitchen window, Gary spotted Samantha, Alex and Nikolai in front of a truck. Gary overheard that Nikolai wanted to go back home and he guessed today was the day he'd do so.

"I didn't know what kind of sugar you needed so I kinda ordered a bunch of em." Soap announced to the sisters and they laughed.

"The clerk kept asking me of brown, white, confectioners and some other and honestly I don't know which." he shrugged and scratched his head.

"Hey man, I was just wondering… why did you choose the risky life? When you had everything you ever needed here?" Gary asked the question that has been bothering him since he got here.

"I dunno Roach. It's just that I knew it was calling out to me… You also sound like my Mum when I told her I'm joining the force." he chuckled. Gary just nodded but still didn't understand his logic. But he dismissed the thought as soon as Maxine and France asked for his help reaching something by the cabinets.

The rest of the day was busy. Once supplies arrived, everyone else was preoccupied. Lifting boxes, arranging items, looking for intel. It was like they made their own 141 base inside the house.

By the time they're almost free, Roach and Maxine were already in the kitchen preparing for dinner.

"So, any new dreams lately?" Roach initiated as he sliced through the vegetables they're cooking.

"Piece by piece. Last night I remembered having gum stuck on my hair on picture day. I cried a lot." she giggled. Roach smiled, he was glad she's getting her memories back which made him remember of Samantha's case.

"Ow!" Gary winced as he accidentally cut a short scrape on his thumb. He was so busy staring at Maxine that he forgot he was chopping.

"Don't worry. It's just a small wound." Gary assured as Maxine pulled his thumb close to her mouth and blew air through it, just like when you're a kid and you do that to ease the pain.

Gary couldn't help but smile at her immediate action. She also looked concerned and worried about his welfare.

"Hey Max." he whispered, making the girl turn to him, her face was so beautiful in Gary's eyes.

"Is there something wrong?"

"Nothing… It's just that…"

"What is it? You're making me worried"

"I really really like you, Maxine Winters."

Maxine looked at him in the eye, the eye contact they were doing was starting to make the world fade behind them.

"Guys! I have bad news." Soap interrupted, causing everyone to form a small circle by the living room.

"Ghost left. With a note saying he'll try to gather more information on Shadow Company with Alexandra's help. He says thanks and that he'll see us all soon." Soap summarized the note. The room fell silent.

Next Chapter : Off the Grid

Notification Squad my Beloved

@samatedeansbroccoli @enderio @smokeywhalee @whimsywispsblog @beemybee @ricinbach

#horrayfic #john soap mactavish #codmw #john price #simon ghost riley #alex echo 3 1 #gary roach sanderson #whateverittakes #Hahaha see what I did there

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dangan-happy · 4 years

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Password: Give me back my glitter, Monomi!

This is basically to anyone, but I guess if you want any preferences, maybe have Miu, Nekomaru, Toko, and/or Ibuki do this, as those are some of my friend's favorites (TW: mention of s//icidal tendencies)

So, this is more about/for someone I care about, so I figured I'd say that first and foremost.

So let's just call them... V. Yeah, V works just fine! Anyway, me and V are super close, and I love them very much. However, as blunt and harsh as this may sound, they're very unstable. They have DID (which I'm fine with, as I've befriended a good amount of their alters), amongst depression, ADHD, and now some bipolar (they experience lots of mood swings and other things that fall under it). They currently don't go to therapy (as far as I know, last time it was mentioned), medication seems to be a hit or miss (more of a miss though), their household situation has been and continues to be extremely toxic (which stunts any immense progress), and well, they live in a shitty state (hint hint, California, No offense to those who live there, but I'm a blunt person. Shitty weather and then some, as far as I know). Now, I acknowledge all of this, and acknowledge that mental health isn't linear and that I can't help everyone. Basically, common sense stuff. However, I pretty much feel like a failure whenever I help them. Perhaps I am a failure.

They have their positive/happy moments, sure, but then like a roller coaster: What comes up sadly comes down. It doesn't help that they're mildly sad/neutral at best and extremely s//icidal at worst on most days, which okay, I understand why. It's just... they say such promising things, and yet, my help/support/comfort/etc. is essentionally rubber bullets hitting a metal wall. In fact, I almost feel like I make them mentally worse, and make their DID worse as well. They'll say things like, "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here. I'm so grateful to have you in my life," "I appreciate your help so much," stuff like that. They're not a evil, manipulative person who guilt trips people, so that's off the table. And while they're usually an honest person, my inner demons and immense self-loathing continue to block out me accepting this truth (this also goes for other people who say such nice things). The trauma they've been through (and sadly continue to go through) is thick and terrible, and if I could, I'd help them more than I can. But at this rate, I'm almost afraid that, s//icide letter or not, they'll suddenly, well... no longer be in this world, and they'll actually not regret their decision. Maybe they'll miss me and others, sure, but feel as though it was 'for the best' (they believe in the usual reasoning behind why ending their life would be 'for the best', which clearly isn't true).

I'm making this too long, so I should try to wrap this up. TL;DR Someone who I deeply love is usually on edge due to severe mental illnesses branched from immense trauma, and while I do my best to help them and acknowledge common sense things, I feel as though I'm always failing them and then some. Ah, if you could give V some comfort, support, reassurance, and maybe even some hugs and kisses on the cheek (especially from those like Ibuki and Nekomaru; they like you a whole lot), then I'd appreciate that. I ask for nothing for myself; I only want it for them and them only. Thank you, and sorry for making this longer than it probably should've been.

Woah, thank goodness you put that little TLDR, Ibuki got really confused halfway through, but never fear anonymous, Ibuki’s on the case! Ooo, that sounded so sophisticated & mysterious all in one go..

Hey, hey, the important thing to know when dealing with these kinds of situations is that you’re trying your best in wanting to help them. Sometimes, people need more than simple words, but the fact that you’re trying really says a lot.

Ibuki would be honoured to give them some hugs, kisses & kind words to go along with it! Ibuki believes in them with all her heart, she also knows that life gets hard & even a little messed up, but overcoming these obstacles makes us more rock n’ roll in the end! There’s no need to be sorry about a long message, even so, Ibuki was able to grasp the gist of it..

But really! Ibuki does think that this friend of yours can make it through this.. Oh, right, kiss on the cheek! Multiple kisses on the cheeks! And she will be here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on, a person to hug aaaaand need someone to goof off with!

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #ibuki mioda #mod rockstar #tw suicidal tendencies #suicidal tendencies mention

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scripttorture · 6 years

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Hey! It's awesome to see you back so soon! You really don't mess around! This blog has been SUPER useful to me, and I really appreciate all the work you put in! My question for this ask is about the stuff my character will be struggling with post-torture. (Not legally definable as torture, but most of the characters that don't know about the proper definition call it that). My world is a science-fantasy world, where my character is tortured by "the bad guy team" under the pretense of 1

"converting her," and making it appearlike they succeeded, when really, the person torturing her was doing it out ofspite to humiliate her and anger the "good team" she is known forworking for. Now, I know from your posts that they'd never be able to converther or anything like that, but instead they use a secret science-fantastytechnology (that I will stress the fictitious nature of) to control her, andmake her appear "weak," and like she was "Broken" by them(even if that's impossible) 2Well, later in the story, she gets rescued fromthis and that, and I have some questions about the side-effects of everything.Starting with the smaller things, (relatively speaking) I think I want her mainsymptoms afterwards to be memory problems, PTSD, and social isolation, but thefirst and third one I'm not too clear on. "Memory" problems wouldmean she's really forgetful with things like appointments and whatnot, right?Not that she'd forget the names and faces of the people she knows? 3So she'dneed someone to remind her about things often. Do I understand that right, orcould she really be more prone to forgetting the people she knows and such?Second up, what does "social isolation" or "difficultyconnecting with others" mean? Does it mean she pushes the people aroundher away? Or that she's more aloof and will have trouble holding aconversation? Or something else along those lines? I have seen "socialisolation" written here and there but never knew how works in practice 4

I’ve divided this up into two questions because I think the questions init are pretty distinct with one focusing on long term symptoms and recovery andthe other focusing more heavily on immediate injuries and damage caused soonafter torture.

Also nothing wrong with having characters use colloquial rather thanlegal definitions of ‘torture’. I think that’s pretty normal across culturesespecially in normal conversation.

I’m unsure about using brainwashing machines even when their fictiousnature is stressed. But I try not to say ‘never’ unless something is anactively dangerous and false trope. Given the questions you have and the wayyou’re approaching this with a focus on the victim I think you’ve got a goodchance of doing this well and I’m open to people changing my mind by writinggood, thoughtful takes on tropes I find uncomfortable.

I use appointments as a standard example of one of the types of memoryproblems torture survivors can get. I do that partly because missingappointments (over here) can get people barred from their local doctor or mentalhealth service providers, which further isolates really vulnerable people.

Memory problems broadly covers about four different kinds of problemssurvivors can experience. There’s the general forgetfulness you’re describing,intrusive memories (constantly and vividly being reminded of the abuse theysurvived), missing memories (which are generally focused on the timeimmediately surrounding the abuse) and false memories (which can be surroundingthe abuse but can also apply to life more generally as torture seems to makesurvivors more prone to false memories in general).

You’ve picked one type so I’ll focus on that.

Torture survivors don’t tend to forget things like the names or faces ofpeople they’re close to but they mightforget the names and faces of people they’ve met recently more easily.

The best way to think about it is in terms of how old the memory is.Older memories are more…set. They last longer and they’re more difficult to getrid of. So anything that causes damage to the memory or memory problems acts onmore recent memories first.

So childhood memories, the character’s name, old friends- those areprobably all ‘safe’. But things like what the character did in the week ormonth just before she was tortured might be lost.

And this pattern would continue as she tries to rebuild her lifepost-torture. If she manages to remember something for several months it’sprobably a memory she’d keep longer term. But if she’s trying to learn orremember something it will take more effort, more repetition and she’s likelyto forget things very quickly.

The comparison I keep thinking of is the early stages of dementia.

That’s not a perfect comparison: people with dementia tend to get worsewith time whereas torture survivors tend to stay at the same sort of level offorgetfulness long term.

But I think it’s a helpful comparison in terms of illustrating the kindsof things she might forget and struggle with and how difficult and dangerous itmight be.

The repeating conversation and inability to follow conversationscharacteristic of dementia are notcommon in torture survivors.

There’s the classic ‘I forgot I left something in the oven and now thekitchen is on fire’ but there are lower level things as well. She’d find itmore difficult to remember new things, so if she’s moved house or town it wouldtake her longer to find her way around. She might go out and forget what she’sgone out for. She might not remember the person she met yesterday. She’dstruggle more with changes to routine.

Difficulty keeping appointments and being on time can often make it moredifficult to hold down jobs as well as access medical care. Difficultyremembering what you needed when you go shopping can mean you end up with afridge full of rotten food and no budget for the next few weeks. Difficultyremembering what the boss told you just now can make you seem unreliable atwork. Difficulty remembering to take medication of any kind can have somepretty horrible health effects, especiallywith medication for mental health problems.

The accumulation of little things like this makes life a lot moredifficult for torture survivors and often in ways that are hard to counteract.

Organisation can help countersome of these effects and different people come up with different ways to helpthemselves remember things. Having someone on hand to help makes a bigdifference.

Which leaves social isolation.

Honestly it’s difficult to describe and what it looks like varies withindividuals and their other symptoms.

It can be caused by survivorswithdrawing. That’s pretty normal behaviour with some mental health conditionsthey can develop. Even leaving aside long term symptoms interactions with otherpeople can be stressful and torture survivors are already under a lot ofstress. Consciously or unconsciously they may choose to avoid social interaction because they don’t feel they candeal with the stress.

Which would then exacerbate their symptoms, increasing their stress andmaking interaction more difficult.

But- a lack of understanding and sympathy for mental health problemsalso factors into this.

A great many people see torture survivors as difficult to get on withand withdraw from them as a result.

This isn’t the survivor’s faultit’s a combination of the effects their mental health problems have on theirbehaviour and the way society teaches us to respond to mental health. It’s…thelogic that goes from having mood swings to being read by others as unstable andunreliable and therefore dangerous.Or having addiction problems and thereforebeing seen as ‘bad’.

Hell tying it to the memory problems you’re planning to show if someone regularly and repeatedly misses yourcoffee dates and meet ups even when they arrange them- You might start thinkingthey don’t value you or your friendship. You might get annoyed that they keepmessing you around. You’d be likely to blamethem before considering that they might have memory problems.

Torture survivors are often visibly mentally ill in a variety ofdifferent ways. And most cultures aren’t particular understanding towardsmental illness.

So social isolation can act in a huge variety of different ways and Ithink it’s best to tie that to the character’s personality and her othersymptoms. Think about the ways in which her other symptoms might make it moredifficult for her to meet and interact with people positively. And think abouthow that lack of social interaction and support would make life more difficultfor her.

We’ve all experienced a degree of social isolation at some point oranother in our lives. We’ve all felt like outsiders or excluded. Writing socialisolation is about capturing that experience for your character- how it wouldfeel for her over weeks, months perhaps years.

I hope that helps. :)

Disclaimer

#tw torture #tw ableism #effect of torture on victims #writing victims #social isolation #memory #torture and memory problems #forgetfulness #mental health #raven6229

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muzeez · 4 years

Text

Sunday

10th May 2020

Sunday

21:22

Today has been cloudy and windy and guess what?? There's been no sign of Henrietta, Merlin, Persia or Folie. They've kept their behinds indoors all day long. It's not rained and it's not been cold but it's not been good enough for them.

So, a cloudy sky and a slight wind can keep them indoors but the thought of a killer disease that they could inadvertently kill others with can't keep them indoors. Which just proves my point. Most people will only play by their own rules, no matter how dangerous the consequences are to others. Yet, they'll be the very ones what bang on the most about how much they care about the NHS and moan about how lockdown is affecting them so badly. When the sun's been out they've not even tried to stay inside. They've just been doing what they've always done on a sunny day and today they've done what they've always done on a non-sunny day.

I've still had to have my white noise playing all day though because Henrietta has been "facetiming" and talking loudly and obnoxiously. At about 5pm ish,I turned my white noise off because I needed to phone Rasbach about something.

As soon as I turned it off, the first thing I noticed was that Henrietta was totally silent.??! Makes me wonder if she can hear my white noise and because she knows her voice isn't reaching me she gives up. Bitch!! Another thing I've noticed is that when I play my white noise, the window and door banging seems to begin. Henrietta with her windows (it can be like 6 or 7 window shutting slams all consecutive and aggressive. She's only got three windows.) Then there's Persia and Folie with the slamming of the doors. Then there's Merlin with his feet and thuds, like he's dropping a bowling ball on the floor.

It might sound like paranoia on my part when I say this but I believe they're all secretly messaging eachother in spite of and against me.

Maybe I am a little bit paranoid but I'm certainly not stupid. Not entirely anyway. 😂

At seven o'clock I turned it onto BBC1 because Boris Johnson was doing a speech about taking steps to lift the lockdown. Suddenly, Henrietta started talking loud!!

'Bitch!' I thought to myself. Shows you how little of a f**k she gives about what's going on. Her facetiming is more important than the information we're about to receive on coming out of lockdown. Also, I found it odd that she would start smack on seven o'clock.

I turned the tele up so her high pitch, irritating, aggressive, nasal voice wasn't cutting into Boris's words but I could still hear her. I sighed in exasperation and jumped to my feet (without making a thud on the floor... it's possible) and went to my little stereo to put my white noise on. It's only that that seems to drowned her out. Cue the banging and the slamming. The white noise doesn't drown that out.

If I ever confront them. I say 'them' because they're in a click and I know that if I'm confronting one they'll all be jumping in. If I confront them about things, they'll probably turn around and be like, 'oh what about you, the other day, slamming your door and screaming and what about when you play your music and what about that white noise and what about when you're talking.

Door slamming and screaming abuse. There's a big difference between one off episodes of out of control rage and malicious, continuous deliberate banging and slamming and talking loud on a daily basis.

Playing my music and singing. I play my music at a reasonable time during the day at a volume that I'm entitled to play it at that time of day. I've never played my music late at night, which funnily enough Henrietta has, when she's had karaoke parties and Merlin has on a couple of occasions on a Saturday and Friday nights through to daylight. Which, I don't mind, music is a good thing but don't dare have a go at me for playing mine loud during the day.

White Noise. Henrietta, you talk extremely loudly and not just on one off occasions. Ev-er-y single day for 10 whole years. Somedays, I've known you to start your "facetiming" at 8am in the morning and you'll carry on all through the day, through to the evening and you've even carried on till after 12 midnight, shouting and laughing and making childish yobbish jeering noises like you're in the middle of a bustling nightclub. Over the years it's contributed to me drinking, developing ear infections because of using blu-tac as earplugs. These things have played a massive part in me having massive mood swings at work, to me becoming ill and being, I'll be totally honest, Mentally Unstable, you know, over a long stretch of time. Earlier this year, I discovered that white noise is the only thing that has drowned you out and stopped me having to have my tv on so loud. After 10 years of suffering with your shouting Henrietta and your constant heavy footed pacing the floor, you are not going to make out my white noise, which is a neutral noise by the way, is bothering you.

As for me talking. Again, there's a big difference between one off conversations I have on my phone, one off rants that I'll admit I've had, due to the exasperation you guys have put me through and constant agitated shouting, childish jeering, heavy footed pacing, loud SEX, (yes I heard that). Things which are constant and relentless and I feel alot of the time malicious and deliberately inconsiderate. There's a massive difference between my noise and your noise. Mainly because it's your noise that has triggered the majority of my noise and I'm NOT doing mine out of malice.

Also, don't get me started with drunken returns from the pub with Jack the drunk. Screaming abuse effing and blinding, dropping trails of kebab meat allover the foyer, crashing into the walls. Those haven't been one offs either, they've been every single night. Late.

Then there's Persia. Folie's not always been on the scene but having Persia next door has had more than it's fair shares of trouble. Different boyfriend every month, thugs trying to kick her door in then making gun gestures towards MY window shouting 'WATCH! WATCH!" Blatant drug purchases right outside the building.

All that what I've had to put up with from you guys and then you all wanna get into a little exclusive click with eachother, clapping for the NHS but then creating your own rules when it comes to lockdown , so-called "social distance" gatherings right outside my window and outside the main entrance of the building where other people have to pass you all, attracting other individuals from other buildings to approach, chatting, faces uncovered, 2 metre rules gradually turning into 1 metre, drinking alcohol. You welcome Asbo George with open arms who lives God knows where and who once threatened to smash my face in and put my windows through and doesn't even fucking LIVE HERE.

You're all laughing and joking and being boisterous, then I stop by for 5 seconds on my way to get essentials and you're putting on an amicable act but I'm picking up on all the little mannerisms and body language and you allowed that Bastard Asbo George to start having a go at me about stuff at work, which he's totally wrong on and slagging off my friend Rasbach then waving sarcastically at me when I go inside.

All these subtle shady behaviours all because what? Because you've maybe heard some raw hometruths about yourselves in my one off meltdowns. Which you can't prove I was talking about any of you anyway because I don't mention people's real names when I'm ranting or talking on the phone when it comes to complaints. So, if you think you've heard your name you've MISheard but that's what happens when you evesdrop, you can get the wrong end of the stick (apart from when I hear someone telling someone else that I work at ******* and mimicking a banging noise just after I had banged on the floor.) And even IF I had used your proper names, so fucking what? I'm saying nothing that isn't true and what I've suffered, at your hands, this last ten years totally outweighs any anything you can say against me. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I'm pretty damn fucking close. Because I think, I'm a thinker, I take people to heart, I learn people's names, I'm aware of people and who they are as people. I don't have a desire to mess with people's heads, I don't set out to manipulate people or make friends with a person just for the sake of alienating another. I set out to treat everyone with respect and like human beings because I am one.

So, maybe it's about time you as my neighbours started taking a leaf out of my book and stop acting territorial over a building that we are ALL tenants in. You don't own the outside of this building, just you four. There's other people that live here including me and you need to stop being clicky with eachother, so you think you've got the power to behave as you want, sit where you want and ostracize people just because you don't like the look of their face. Everybody here is a tennant and everybody is a human being with equal rights and if I'm forced to confront any of you again about your unreasonable, inconsiderate persecutory behaviour, towards me or any of the other tennants and you try again to argue with me and throw things back at me, I will report you without any hesitation and I won't be as polite as I'm being now.

Maybe you can start behaving right now by getting your arses indoors and abiding PROPERLY to these lockdown regulations.

Don't make me suggest it twice. 😁😁😁😁😁

Oh and Henrietta, if Asbo George turns up, you ignore the door because he's nothing but a user and a bully. I know you've been letting him in your flat and I also know that deep down you are worried about your health and Coronavirus but you feel you can't say no to him and to looking after his dog. If he starts being persistent you call the police. Don't let him push you around. He's an arsehole and if the police are useless or he starts turning nasty and I have to come downstairs and run his ugly arse out the building, I will. Because right now, I'm in the fucking mood cos if he thinks he can be threatening and intimidating, I'll show him threatening and intimidating. In fact, I'll make it so he daren't even show his claaart passed his own front door.

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scumbagsblog · 7 years

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Loving the text messages!! Keep up the good work! Also if you don't mind could you describe darks and antis personalities according to you?

Absolutely!!! Beware though, I’m about to wax poetic because I LOVE these two characters. I’m sorry that this post is so long but I’m NOT putting it under a cut because I worked on this for over a fucking hour instead of writing my history paper and I want at least one person to actually read it. :P

I’m gonna go a little in depth with what I believe is their canon personalities according to my interpretation and then how I incorporate those interpretations into Texts From Dark And Anti. Some of you may be surprised to find that I actually heavily take their canonical personalities into account when I make my edits; it’s not all just dick jokes and memes for the sake of notes. Texts From Dark And Anti is my love letter to these two characters, and I’ve gone to great lengths to portray them in the best way possible.

But enough babbling. Let’s start with Dark.

CANON PERSONALITY: Master Manipulator and Sexual Predator

Per Mark, Dark is a master manipulator. He’s a snake in the grass, ready to tell you anything and everything you need to hear in order to get what he wants from you.

I’d argue that this often works for him. Obviously he’s a very good actor if he’s able to mimic Mark perfectly in the “Chocolate” ending, so that makes me think that he’s able to assume whatever personality and/or extend whatever favors he needs to to trick his victims into abiding by him.

But it’s also worth mentioning that Dark’s biggest weakness (arguably) is his jealousy. As Mark said, Dark’s extremely jealous of Mark, and he wants everything that Mark has: wealth, fame, success, and devoted fans. I’d be willing to believe that that last thing is what rubs Dark wrong the most.

Evidence? Mark’s fans are exactly what he goes after. Wanna know what’s freakier? IT FUCKING WORKED.

Mark took all of his fans out on a date. All of us adored him for it. Dark got jealous of this, so he infiltrated the date and tried to get us to support him instead. And when Tyler Mark showed up to fight him, Dark didn’t kill him himself. He manipulated us into doing it for him.

And what brings this home is that Dark has had the longest lasting potential out of anything to come out of this video. All of the other memes and references have lost their luster by now, but the resurgence of Dark-related fan art, ask/rp blogs, edits, and memes are still going strong. Dark infiltrated our date and convinced us to love him and worship him the same way that we do Mark, and we fucking fell for it.

So why does he do this? Is it just because he’s a jealous prick? Partially, but I think that, canonically, there’s more to it. I think it’s because he thrives on his ability to hold power over people, which is comparable to–get ready for it–sexual predators.

Dark exhibits a lot of the traits we normally attribute to these criminals. He’s attractive, charismatic, extremely manipulative, and sadistic. He says things like, “I can give you anything,” and, “If it’s dinner you want, I can provide.” Provide is an interesting word choice here, because that’s what society has dictated the man in a relationship should do. He even acts seductive: arching his neck, eye-fucking the camera, and he even blows us a kiss (see below). But the way that he grabs and shakes us periodically throughout his mental breakdown betrays his inner sadism and anger issues, also common among sexual predators. I absolutely think that based on Dark’s behavior and what we know about him, he’s totally down to fuck anyone and everyone in order to get what he wants–consensual or otherwise. And I definitely think he’ll enjoy it.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that Dark is a nymphomaniac. As an otherworldly being, it’s entirely possible he doesn’t even have a sex drive. But sexual predators don’t usually rape their victims just to get their dicks wet. Usually, it’s a power issue; they want to feel like they have mastery over something, and that they are dominant and in control. Given Dark’s obsession with taking all of Mark’s glory away from him, coupled with his violent mood swings and sadism, I would say that sexual assault is probably just one of the many ways he appeases his insatiable appetite for power and manipulation. And I’d even bet that it’s one of his go-to’s.

In Texts From Dark And Anti, I normally portray Dark as a bitter old demon who doesn’t understand memes and doesn’t want to put up with anybody’s shit. But I didn’t just do this for fun; I did it because I could see Dark being jaded in real life. Off-camera, when he’s not trying to seduce us into adoring him over Mark, I could see him being sick of being overlooked. He’s old, even by Mark’s channel’s standards, and up until “A Date With Markiplier”, he wasn’t mainstream in the fandom at all–not fun for someone who craves the adoration of others. So he’d definitely be off-put by Anti’s much younger, more erratic personality, and in a bad mood he’d bitch at him for it. But in a good mood, he’d use it to his advantage to get whatever he wants–sex, souls, and anything else his blackened heart desires, both for the reward and the thrill of not having to do it himself.

Now let’s talk about Anti.

CANON PERSONALITY: Chaotic Psychopath

Jack has been near-silent on his personal interpretation of Anti (although he’s stated that he definitely has a personal canon that he refuses to share, the little fucker), so all of this is going to come from speculation and what we see onscreen.

While Dark chose to make his debut in one long, continuous, elegant appearance, Anti showed up randomly throughout the month of October, with no prelude and no explanation as to why he was there. Also in contrast to Dark’s smooth, charismatic personality, Anti is visibly unstable, jittery, and psychotic. Both he and Dark exhibit bloodlust, but Anti doesn’t hide it. He doesn’t hold back any of his sociopathic tendencies, going so far as to murder his host on camera for the world to see.

We don’t exactly know what Anti’s agenda is, but that’s just it: I don’t think he has one. At least, not one beyond the psychotic urge to kill as much and as many people as he can. Even in “Say Goodbye”, all he does is laugh at/condemn the viewer for not warning Jack and saving him. The other times he was on camera in October, he was glitchy, with several different appearances (fangs, gauges, blood, etc.) and contorted, unsettling body movements, making me think that Anti is a supernatural being that thrives on chaos and bloodshed.

But Anti doesn’t just want to cause havoc–he wants to cause havoc and get the credit he deserves for it. That’s why he showed up so much on camera without Jack noticing; he was there for us, not him. Then he made a big deal about us not telling Jack what was going on, condemning us for our failure to make his existence well-known. Then he crashed Jack’s panel at PAX, angry at us for “forgetting” him. He’s not trying to garner our support like Dark is; if anything, he wants us to be terrified of him.

But personally, if I had to choose between being locked in a room with Dark and being locked in a room with Anti, I’d choose Anti in a heartbeat. Because even though Anti is more obviously psychotic, at least I’d know I would be killed quickly–unlike Dark, who would torture and manipulate me verbally, physically, and possibly even sexually for an indeterminate amount of time. This is Anti’s downfall, I think; Dark disguises his true nature with seduction and charisma, but because Anti’s so unpredictable and surface-level, he identifies himself as a very obvious threat, ironically making him a little easier to understand.

Thus, my interpretation of him in Texts From Dark And Anti reflects this (albeit in a more comedic way). Anti loves memes and silly trends because he wants to stick out in a way that’ll gain recognition. He’s more up-to-date with Internet trends and slang because he’s much younger than Dark–but that also means that he’s more gullible, and a lot of simple things go over his head. Basically all of his emotions are double that of Dark’s, and he makes no efforts to disguise them. He’s also much more privvy to senseless murder than Dark. This speaks highly of his psychotic tendencies and general disregard for any order or secrets he could be bothering to keep. What you see of Anti is what you get: an easily-excitable, always-ready-to-fuck-shit-up killing machine.

So…yeah. That’s pretty much my piece. Told you it’d be long. X’D

But tysm for asking!! And if any of you bothered reading this far, PLEASE reblog or leave a reply with your thoughts on my interpretation of these two characters and how you characterize them personally. I’m super crazy interested in the lore around these two (or lack thereof), which is why I created Texts From Dark And Anti in the first place. ^_^

#markiplier #Jacksepticeye #Darkiplier #antisepticeye #danti #Septiplier #say goodbye #a date with markiplier #dark #Anti #theory #fan theory #interpretation #anon #ask #personal #long post #basically an essay #texts from dark and anti

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