#I think someone asked me this some time back in fall in a Discord server. now everyone gets the ~extended cut~ for better or worse

[outeremissary]

✨ How did you come up with the OC’s name? For Balthazar (Seriously curious because I love that name and have had a stuffed animal named it for years)

Siren, I fear you (and Cassy, who asked as well) are about to get far more than you may have anticipated for this and it will be very silly. Balthazar is probably second only to Carmen (who is a much older character) in terms of convoluted meta histories that get long winded answers.

[prompt list]

✨- How did you come up with the OC’s name?

Okay, so there's a bit of necessary background here. Balthazar is loosely derived from a character conceptualized in 2016 who never had a real, settled name (mostly a series of titles; at this point the most consistent have been Herald and Three-Horned Devil). The project this character was made for was mostly to entertain me and keep me sane during the first year of university. At some point in the front half of 2017 I began learning 5e. A part of the process for this was getting a feel for the scope of characters and limits of character creation by making a bunch of character sheets with different concepts. To expedite this process, I used OCs from stagnant or abandoned projects as the basis for concepts; Caina and Balthazar were pulled from the same one (although it's possible that Balthazar actually had a 3.5 sheet first- he was a recurring character in my 3.5 campaign and I don't remember if he was introduced in spring or fall).

So Balthazar at this point did not have a name, and I needed to make a "traditional fantasy" name appropriate for what was then a half-elf sheet. The class, sorcerer, had already been determined, as had the first of several concepts for the adapted version of the Herald. My goal was to make a name with an occult sound to suit this ambitious Vecna cultist and to honor the Herald's whole evil god thing. And my other, more specific goal? To work in at least one demon name to amuse myself. I hate coming up with names so I have a bad habit of the joke name that sticks.

Anyway. I started with the demon names. The first and most obvious point to me was Ba'al. I was familiar with Ba'al as god king and god of storms from the Ba'al cycle and some related Urgaritic texts, but as I recall Ba'al was a title meaning "lord" attached to a number of regional deities (some variants of that Ba'al). In Jewish and Christian texts Ba'al appears as a false god and force of emnity. Ba'al also provides the root of "Beelzebub," and eventually becomes absorbed into the roster of demons in many traditions (I'm most aware of medieval Christian here) before washing back up in horror flicks as a stock name for a demonic force. The aspect of transformation was appropriate, I felt: a messy polytheistic deity who was also now known as a menacing demon. This worked well for the Herald. I was especially attracted to the "false god" aspect. So I wanted a name that could incorporate that name and ideally might naturally produce something functionally like Ba'al as a nickname. I chose Balthazar. It was a real name, which felt especially grounded, and it had an archaic sound due to having fallen out of style in the region I live in long, long ago, which gave it a certain mysterious flair.

From how that story went you may already have guessed about Lucienne. And you would be correct. That famous angel Lucifer was the over the top element used to round things out- partly because it's very easy to find other derivations from lux. It's also true that Lucian was a given name I'd considered for the character before discarding for being too trite (although Lucian Balen would become a recurring tongue in cheek alias for NPC Balthazar cameos in oneshots). I decided to push for a French sound because in my mind - and don't ask why, I have no fucking idea - French was an especially alchemical sounding language. Now some of you reading this may know some things about French, and may perhaps speak it yourselves. If this is you, you've probably caught the thing I wouldn't realize until two or three years too late, which is that Lucienne is not a French sounding name. It is an actual French given name of the feminine gender, the feminine equivalent of Lucien and the French version of Lucia. Whoops. At that point I was in too deep to change it and I just pretend I do not see it. Maybe it's endearing in a quirky JRPG way. French doesn't exist in most fantasy settings anyway despite the prevalence of Latin out there. It's fine. At this point the in story origin of the name is that he made it up himself anyway, so who knows. Maybe that 12 Int just produced the same mistake as me.

[annabel-lee-nevermore]

Hey. I'm sure all of you have seen Red's post, which they chose to call an apology (though I beg to differ in some parts), where I was called out amongst many others. This whole situation is a mess and though there have been many posts already, I just want to add my two cents, as someone who was directly named. Apologies for how late this is compared to the rest of the situation, not trying to stir it all up again, I’ve just been busy. (Please note that everything I say here is my own take/opinions and I am not directly speaking for anyone else, any issues you have with anything said here are with me alone.) 

First of all, Red promised this post would be about the Crimson situation, the long prologue with the explanations of the "cliques" is completely unrelated and just an attempt to shift blame onto other groups for the situation blowing up as it did. This is especially horrible because of the fact that many of the people named are MINORS, who Red has constantly claimed to prioritize protecting, especially in the situation with Crimson exposing minors to NSFW. I'm not going to harp too much on the Crimson situation as I wasn't involved (or capable of being involved after my ban), though everything I have seen from Red has been a shitshow of mishandling, which they addressed, and I will give them credit for admitting they fucked up with it, and am VERY glad to see them step back from moderating, as I feel they were under far too much stress by both being highly active in the server as a mod and also trying to write a good story, and hope a larger variety of mods does the server good. I was there when the server hit 1k members, and knowing that the mod team didn’t grow until now (when last I heard it was around 6k?) feels like it would have driven anyone trying to moderate it insane. 

However, I am here to give my side of the story, which goes back to the drama with the confession blog "@/esoterichistoria", in which they were sent an anon ask which [paraphrased] asked why the account existed and what they got out of it, in a sense that implied they didn't believe the account should exist. This ask was not answered publicly and was screenshotted and posted in the hideout, one of the NON PATREON channels in the discord. Red then went on to reveal themselves as the person behind this anon ask which led to other people sending harassment to the account. I was firmly on the side of supporting EH, and wound up creating a post of my own  calling out the hypocrisy and "word of god" reliance on lore snippets sent by Red and Flynn in the discord, which when sent in the free channels would eventually disperse into the tumblr fandom. Unless I mistakenly shared a minor fact that was patreon exclusive (which would have only been shared to me by someone who was affected asking if they were right to be concerned about it) I did not intentionally state any patreon only information in any of my comments within and under that post. 

That post for me, was what happened when the straw broke the camel's back. I had seen several instances of fan to fan hostility (such as telling people off for using the tumblr "#nevermore webtoon" tag for confession blog related posts, but only for the original blog and not the second one that popped up during this drama). I was fed up with watching a fandom I truly loved fall apart, and felt that speaking up about it would be the only way to see any change within this issue. However, I will admit the post was written in a stress induced craze as I was at the end of finals and preparing to move at the same time, which definitely greatly impacted my capacity to truly think through why I should make that post in the first place, but I felt the only way to get the drama out of my head was to send it out into the void of tumblr, and then, through the next day when I had a few spare moments I responded to a few people asking clarifying questions with less than stellar tact. 

It was quite shocking for me to find out, just a day or so later (forgive me I am not the greatest with dates or timelines) that the Nevermore discord was gone from my server list, which I mainly noticed because I often use the emotes from that server in casual conversations with friends, and found my favorited emotes completely lacking of them. I had no message of why I had been banned, and shrugged it off as I hadn't been active in the discord community in ages, as I was busy with other things. 

A few hours later, Percy, who Red had reached out to directly (but none of the other members of our "clique" as Red puts it heard a peep) shared a truly baffling DM that consisted of refusing to explain and extrapolating reasons behind actions that did not exist to justify the ban. We laughed it off and moved on, as though we enjoyed the fandom and comic itself, losing access to the discord was no loss as of our lack of usage of it in the first place. 

I was in no way Stalking, nor were any of my friends. We had been members of a fandom who loved the comic and fandom, and had come to a point where our unpopular fandom opinions led us to feel a bit on the outside of the main popular opinion, and we were also just naturally shifting to different interests. 

This, alongside the fallout of having expressed opinions on Montresor and the specific ways that his relationship with Ada progressed. I DON'T see people who ship Montrada as supporting a "SA Fetish Ship", I just personally wasn't a fan of it and alongside my friends who shared the same opinion, was sick of being told that we were blatantly WRONG for having a differing opinion, and chose to distance ourselves because of the level of vitriol we had experienced, and some made a statement saying we didn't wish to associate with people who enjoyed the ship, which is a perfectly normal way to interact with fandom. There are definitely perfectly valid ways to interact with the ship, and even explore it in interesting ways, it is just ways that I personally am not interested in engaging with. 

(And just to point out the elephant in the room, yes I have a fic that focuses on Montrada, both because I saw a part of my former self in Ada and someone who hurt me in Montresor, and this fic was planned out long before Montrada was hinting at becoming canon in the comic. Though this fic is written in an explicit manner, it was on a site that allows that and was tagged correctly for those who wish to avoid it.) 

I know I'm trying to prove myself to people who have made up their minds on if they believe Red's statement, and I know for those who have their minds made up, nothing I can say will change that unless they are willing to, and I can't force that. I personally do not agree with many opinions Red holds, and find the act of plastering the usernames of people, including minors, that they dislike on a public tumblr post knowing they have a loyal fanbase who may choose to take it upon themselves to harass people out of a sense of vigilante justice, frankly abhorrent and irresponsible. Though I would like to believe that the Nevermore fandom is better than stooping to harassment, I know it is naive to believe in any fandom that this is the case, every fandom will have a few bad apples, even if the fandom at large is kind and passionate and supportive of fellow fans. (note: as of writing at least one person I've been in contact with have received direct harassment) 

As someone who has a tendency to come across as rude and bitchy when in a passionate argument/debate with someone, especially when an emotional connection to the subject is involved on my end, I know I may have been combative to an excessive degree and given myself a bad name. For anyone who has felt hurt in an argument with me, I do apologize, as sometimes I don't know the harshness of my words. I do quite enjoy a good argument, and when things get heated I do find myself being quite harsh, something many people do, especially when they have had a history of being the only one on their side of an opinion.  

Despite the drama, I do still love the comic, through a more analytical lens and with caveats of my own personal opinions perhaps, but I do truly love the characters, the world, and am curious to know what comes next in the story when it returns from hiatus. Though I don't believe I will ever have a positive view of Red interpersonally, I want them and Flynn to be able to continue the comic for as long as they feel they need to tell a complete story. I probably will continue to write fic and engage with the fandom, as in my opinion, Fandom is for the Fans, not the Creators, and I truly do love sharing my writing with the Fandom, and I have many fic ideas that I want to have a chance to bring to fruition. 

For those who don't wish to dig in deep on the older drama with the Montrada situation or my general drama hot takes, you can hop off here, and even if this didn't change anything for you I appreciate you taking the chance on hearing me out, as I am quite wordy and I know this post is already rather long. However, since Red’s post brought up these issues, I feel I should at least address them.

First off, on the accusation of stalking, I do feel Red may be pointing a finger and forgetting that three point back at them, as though I do understand wanting to have a grasp on who someone is when you feel wronged by them, going out of your way to construct a narrative of who's friends with who, and what they do in their free time, alongside congregating information about them to share publicly when even in the best case of you being correct their crimes were at MOST having an insular group chat and occasionally getting in arguments about unpopular fandom opinions or standing opposite your side in drama. 

By every metric, while sharing screenshots can be seen as in bad taste, doing so with a small group of friends in a private group chat is not the end of the world. The phrase "keep it in the group chat" exists for a reason, people often share with their friends things they may not say publicly, and that is perfectly okay provided it's not planning some sort of direct attack on someone. People going "ugh I don't agree with xyz and wish they'd see reason" to friends is not stalking, it's a bit of gossip between friends, and when it comes from something that began as a shared interest that brought the group together, there's no harm in it. However, congregating identifying information and sharing it publicly DOES have harm in it, because no matter how many times you tell your audience not to harass people, opening the doors for it makes it more likely to happen regardless.

Secondly, calling the post an apology was a half truth. Yes, the final paragraphs WERE an apology, but based on the situation and what was truly going on, the explanations of the Cliques was unnecessary and distracted greatly from the actual apology present. Especially as the context of “Clique 2” does NOTHING to add to the story of the situation with Crimson and why an apology is necessary. The situation was blown greatly out of proportion by adding on more context than the situation required, and is definitely the reason the controversy has grown so large. Not only was diverting to the explanations of the Cliques cluttering the otherwise potentially strong apology, it both works to paint Red as the victim to garner sympathy from loyal fans, and gives a target to go after for why the situation has grown so horrible, when a concise apology that left that all out would have cleared the air on the Crimson situation and not led to a large group of people who were unjustly called out and have their information blasted for anyone to see and opening them to excessive harassment. 

Finally, Speaking to Red directly, If you'll allow me to speak at you a bit personally for a moment, the way you framed things in your post regarding "Clique 2" to me in some regards comes across as a misinterpretation of criticism of the comic and its characters as a criticism of you. As a writer I understand how your work often feels like an extension of you, and criticism often feels personal, but to take a small group of people who share a similar criticism and extrapolate it to mean they're spreading vitriol about you is a bit extreme. 

(And in screenshots regarding the Prospero aromanticism issue that have been posted to tumblr, this seems to be a recurring pattern of seeing anyone who has concerns about how a certain aspect is being normalized within the fandom with encouragement from the creators, which regardless of intent comes across as endorsement, as an attack and trying to make an issue out of something that isn’t really that deep.) 

Anyways, the main situation regarding the Montresor and Ada ship happened over a year ago and I have no way to access or look back on what was said having been banned from the discord, there may be discrepancies in intent and execution so take all of this with a grain of salt if you'd like, but I never meant to say that you as the author were glorifying SA by having Montresor and Ada to exist as a ship. It was a mixture frustration with how Ada's characterization (as interpreted by what existed in the comic) did a 180 and how the relationship between her and Monty was framed and the fandom's manner of acting as if saying that it personally made someone uncomfortable they were just a hater trying to stir drama. The fandom's usage of the phrase “fun toxic” and overromanticizing when Monty had been consistently characterized as misogynistic (not a bad thing) and Ada's prior characterization didn't line up with the “mutually toxic” idea that was being spread. I'd be a hypocrite if I was saying that every ship had to be morally pure, I've written some pretty morally bankrupt relationships in my own original works. I just found that the way the fandom acted around Montrada at the time was really uncomfortable to be around as an SA survivor simply because of the way people were changing their opinions of the barking scene, which to me with just the context of the scene itself was not at all something Ada did consensually (or only did under coercion) and is a form of humiliation which is sexual harassment. 

It was never a moral righteousness witch hunt or anything, more just some fans pointing out how the portrayal of it could come off to people who was a survivor of someone who acted like Monty and that the energy in the fandom around it was uncomfortable and didn't actually leave room for nuance on the opinions of Montrada. I have always been a proponent of letting people ship what they want to, even if it’s personally not what I enjoy in the fandom. Perhaps the way it was portrayed on my end at the time didn’t come off the way it was intended, but there is a massive difference in my opinion between thinking anyone who enjoys a particular ship is evil and being personally uncomfortable with a ship and not wanting to engage with it within fandom, even with it being canon. And the preference for Morella and Ada was never upholding a "morally pure" ship as "better" than Montrada, it was simply preference from people who had already been shipping Morellada for a long time and didn't choose to abandon ship over Montrada becoming canon, only finding new reasons to continue holding that opinion. 

All in all. I’ll miss when the good times of the fandom were around, and definitely will stick around for season 2. I wish it hadn’t all turned out this way, as I’ve made great memories and friends because of this comic and community. To anyone who still has questions or something to say to me, my ask box and dms here have always been open. And hey, if Red or Flynn have anything to say to me, feel free to reach out. I’m open to a civil conversation if that's what’s desired. 

~~ Rose, of the “dark stalker Clique”

[the-uninformed-zennial]

So, uh, Fable ended.

And now I’m gonna be sappy on main.

I started watching Fable about half a year before I started being active in the fandom, around the time I started falling in love with my partner @hoardingpuffin . Watching Rae and Caspian’s relationship develop was actually part of what helped me realize that the things I was feeling for them were romantic and not just platonic. Surprisingly enough, that’s just the beginning of the profound effect Fable had on me.

I had never really interacted with fandom spaces before Fable. But when I caught up with lore sometime in November 2022, I decided to join the discord. It was a crazy place. Being someone who’d never really been in a server before I was completely overwhelmed and nervous, so I didn’t interact much for the first month or so.

Then I discovered that, despite the incredible love for the project, no one had made a “which character are you?” Quiz yet, so, I decided to fuck it and make one myself. The response I got to that was unlike any I had seen before. I was getting pinged weeks afterwards with people’s results and it made me really happy to see how much my work was appreciated by everyone in the community. It got me thinking about other ways I might be able to give back.

Then, as you all know, the stream “Call” and it’s partner “Response” came out on Ghosty and HeyHay’s channels. I’d been feeling so similarly to the two characters, dealing with my long distance relationship with Puffin. So, I took those feelings and the words Heyhay and Ghosty had used to convey them for their characters and put them into a song.

And then something insane happened.

Everyone liked it. Like, everyone liked it. This crappy recording I made at 2 AM suddenly got hundreds and then thousands of views when I put it on SoundCloud and YouTube. It was insane. I had written some songs before, but they’d always been ridiculed, so having a large group of people like the fable community enjoy something that I wrote was absolutely insane to me, and it encouraged me to make more.

I found myself being inspired by the characters in fable, connecting with different storylines or sentences said on streams. I found myself writing songs, one after another after another.  At one point I was writing a song a week for a period of about three months. I had never experienced this amount of raw creativity before, but every time I put a new song out, I only got encouraged to make more.

And then people started to ask me when I was going to put them on Spotify. And that was another moment that everything changed. I realized if I was gonna put these out there in such an official way I didn’t want it to just be a bunch of crappy recorded singles. So I needed to make an album.

That was something I had never considered doing before. I knew nothing about music editing or sound mixing. Up until that point all of my songs had been made on GarageBand at 2 AM with very little editing or mixing going into them. So, I started saving for a real music editing program and within a few months I got there.

Then came the actual making of the album. I took a few months off in the summer and just dove headfirst into it. Every spare moment I wasn’t modding for the Sherbathon, or the discord, or streaming my own lore, was spent working on those songs. And while looking back now I wish I knew what I know now about music editing, I’m so glad I did what I did. Putting that album out, seeing how you all responded to it… it made me realize that this is something I love, something that I don’t have to wait for someone else’s permission or teaching to do.

This fandom is the reason I’m a musical artist and that is something I don’t think I will ever be able to express the importance of enough.



As much as I could talk about the unending support and encouragement I received from the wonderful cast members throughout my experience making the album, or how being given the role of mod on the fandom discord taught me so much about how to be a creator in my own right, or even the amazing experience I had being able to make songs for the lore. When it comes right down to it, it was the community, cast and all, that impacted my life in the profound way it has been. So thank you, each and every one of you, whether you are a cast member, a fan, a fellow mod, or even just someone who streamed a song you didn’t have any context for. Thank you for changing my life, for giving me the encouragement to pursue my dreams.

Thank you Fable SMP cast, crew, and community 💕

[hkblack]

Let me tell you a story...

It starts in the summer of 2021. Honestly it probably starts a little before that. 2020 through 2022 ish are a bit hazy because there was a lot of sitting around at home doing nothing.

Somewhere in that haziness my partner goes “wait, you haven’t watched this Good Omens show yet? And you haven’t read the book? … oh no. You should do that.”

And immediately after finishing the show I knew I was in trouble. I knew if I read the book I would absolutely fall down the fandom rabbit hole and be trapped, and so for a very long while, I didn’t. Until I did.

And then in August 2021, I wandered into fandom. I had been lurking. Seeing what AO3 had to offer. Crawling back onto Tumblr. But I had a story idea, and I needed a beta reader. And the last time I was in fandom, LiveJournal was still a thing, so I didn’t know where to go.

I found out about Discord, and I signed up for a thousand servers, it felt like, and in one server I bravely started sticking my neck out.

There was talk about someone writing a Human AU on a farm, and farm animals in general, and I chimed in about goat-scaping. And then I made the joke that would seal my fate.

“I don’t know if I could write a kid fic, but you know. I could write a kid (goat) fic.”

It was meant to be a short, sweet, meet-cute. Professor Aziraphale has a goat from the goat scaping team break into his office. Based loosely on a campus experience where a member of the goat-scaping team at a campus I was on tried (and failed) to get into a classroom once.

A simple formula. Maybe a 4+1? 4 times a goat broke into Professor Aziraphale Fell’s office, and one time it didn’t.

I even found the first beta reading request. First chapter done, I’ve got four more planned. Rated T.

Ha.

I started writing Chapter 5, you know, the final chapter, and realized—there’s more to this story. These characters have life, and story, and who doesn’t want to see more goats? Also, had I truly fulfilled the “kid-fic” portion of my joke?

I think we can all agree that no, no I hadn’t.

So, I kept writing. But I also found my stride in other Discord Servers and in Fandom in general. And in the winter of 2021, I went on a beta-reading blitz for the Gift Exchange happening in the Do It With Style Events Discord server. I read something like 14? 15? stories in a very short amount of time and in doing so, got to know some really amazing people and began to carve out my spot in the community.

From this server I found folks with lived goat-experience who were willing to share and advise me. From this server I found beta readers and brit pickers willing to cheer me on and guide my writing to the best version it could be. I found friends and joy and I found community.

And if you look very carefully through the pages of Bleating Hearts, I think that at its heart, past the puns, past the obvious fast burn love story, and the crooked Luce Matin and demanding James Starr, and even beyond the goats, it’s a story about finding your place in a community. While we talk about Aziraphale and Crowley and their relationship, so many people have asked me about Anathema and Crowley at the chicken coop (we only got to see Newt and Aziraphale in the bedroom). The most commented on scene is Anathema pulling the car over and getting Aziraphale’s consent to go to Tracy’s for lunch.

It's a story with goats, romance, and drama. But it’s a story about community.

I have thanked the people most involved a thousand times over, and I will always take an excuse to thank them again. @ambrasue, my ride or die beta reader. She is who to thank for the sentences making sense. And for me not beating you all over the head with the word “Gently.” HolRose, for the Brit-Picking and second pair of eyes when Ambra and I had gone cross-eyed, and always, always, always having a kind comment ready to go for every chapter update. @writingordinaryrealities, for all things Goats, and for not laughing at me when we met in person and I lost my cool over real life goats.

@mirjam-writes! Mirjam made me my first ever fanart for one of my fanfics! And so many more of you have followed suit and I never know what to say when I see it but I always make a noise and run excitedly to my partner and flap my hands and show him his heart and he always gets the dumbest smile and goes, “I love when people make you goat fanart. You are adorable when you’re verklempt.”

But also, the DIWS and Good Omens community. Every single person who shouted at one of my snippets when I needed a boost and shared a bit of what I was proud of. Every single person who tagged me in a goat video—you all have tagged me in so many goat videos. I watch each and every one of them. Every single person who got excited when I said I was finally ready to start posting.

Because you see, that support, that community, led me to pay it forward. At TIC4 in 2023, I had just finished my panel on beta reading and was feeling a bit amped up. I saw in the chat that someone wanted to talk Slow Show and Human Aus and, I don’t know if y’all know this, but uh, I’m a big fan of human AUs. And so I hopped into the break out room and met J.

J is a lovely human who has been fandoming since the OG Star Trek days with Kirk and Spock. She had found a physical copy of Slow Show and just needed to talk to someone, anyone about it. She wasn’t sure what the Archive was, she was still learning her way around digital fandom, and I instantly wanted to reach out and help her find community and joy the way I had when I got started in the fandom. So, I sat down and I gave her my favorites. I told her how to find me on socials. We connected on Discord. We sent each other long letters back and forth on Discord sharing our joys and frustrations and our love of GO and talking about all sorts of other things. And it has been amazing listening to her stories and getting to know her.

Unbeknownst to me, J had reached out to @brunheiffer to ask for a physical copy of Bleating Hearts. Now—I’m all for fandom in the physical space, but it’s never even crossed my mind to do more than something printed out at my home printer, hastily hole punched, and shoved into a binder so I could sneak fanfiction reading time during 5th period math class after I was done with my worksheets many, many, many moons ago. When brunheiffer reached out and asked if they could print and bind a copy for me—I didn’t know what to say. Or do. Or think. I think I keysmashed? I keysmashed after I made my partner read the message out loud. And then I went and looked through tumblr and all of brunheiffer’s excellent work. And then I went, “Do I say yes?” and he went “um YES OF COURSE YOU SAY YES. WHAT”

So, I said yes.

I also said yes to progress shots and got to watch some of the coolest work ever. I didn’t know how books…ya know…booked. Witchcraft probably? I’m still convinced there is witchcraft involved, but there is also an incredible amount of skill, and time, and patience, and hard work, and love that is put into making a book a book. And learning what I did, and watching the process, and seeing the care that brunheiffer put into each of the three (THREE!) sets of books that were made (one for me, one for brunheiffer, one for J), was just stunning.

Do you know, J reached out to me and apologized for not asking me first and asked me if it was okay that she had reached out and asked if brunheiffer would do this for her? Why would I ever be against something so heartfelt and kind?

I cried.

I legitimately sat in my office and cried.

When people ask me how I write the way I do, or why I write, or anything along those lines. I have the same answer. “I write for myself.”

Oh sure, I started to write Bleating Hearts to make Ambra laugh and/or have feelings, but at the end of the day, when I write, it is because I need to get the bed time stories I tell myself at night, the day dreams while sitting on the bus, out of my head and somewhere else—so that a new movie can play. And when I write, I write knowing that I will come back to that story. That I will forget the little pieces (because I have a pretty shit memory tbh), and I’ll be able to go back, and wrap myself up in the comfort of the story I have written, and be surprised by some of the little details I left as presents for myself. And be excited. And be happy. And watch my favorite movie again.

So every time I see someone make art of this story, or talk about how they love the story, or how happy it made them, or the feelings it inspired, or how reading goats made them want to write their own fanfiction—I get, well, like my partner says, “verklempt.” I don’t know what to do with that feeling, other than to just be overwhelmed that somehow something I made to entertain me has brought other people so much joy. Has helped people connect and find community.

What a powerful and beautiful thing that is.

Not everything I write is going to be Bleati—y'all I am just going to call it Goats. Calling it Bleating Hearts feels so weird. It’s Goats. That’s the name of the story. That’s my name for the story.

Anyway.

Not everything is going to be Goats. I’ve got some wips in the hopper right now that are um…lots of angst and heavy spice. Not everything I write is going to be liked by everyone. Some of it may even offend you.

But knowing that this one thing has inspired you all to the point that I’ve been gifted the ability to hold my story in my hand?

That’s powerful.

And it only exists because this community, this Good Omens community, has come together and chosen joy.

There’s some bad apples out there, there are in every bunch. But I am liberal with my block button and have been blessed to find a welcoming and warm community that creates some amazing and incredible art—whether that’s like actual like digital or pen to paper art, or the fiction you write, or the podfics you record, or the meta analysis you write, or the playlists or the animatics or the beta reading or the shouting unhinged support or the role playing or the plushies, or the books you bind—this community is full of incredibly creative and amazing people.

So thanks, y’all, for letting me part of your community, and enjoying my silly little goat fic. And thank you brunheiffer and J for this amazing gift.

If you haven’t read it, or just want to reread it, you can read Bleating Hearts (GOATS) on Archive of Our Own.

All my love,

HK

(I am the most cringe sap on main right now. No regurts)

[snarky-synesthete]

New Fic! "As the World Falls Down"

So this piece has been several months in the making. I initially wrote the section that would become the first two chapters of this five-chapter fic for the Good Omens Song & Poetry Exchange.

My match-up requested the song "As the World Falls Down" from the movie Labyrinth. Be still, my beating heart! As a gift exchange, it was expected to be a fairly small fic, 1K-3K in length. I was falling in love with the story as I wrote it - I've never done a true AU story before - so I reached out to a mod to ask if I could only share the fic with my giftee instead of posting it publicly...because you see, as I was writing, the Good Omens Fairy Tale Minibang started up. Labyrinth is a fun a fairy tale as a 90s kid could possibly desire, and here was a good excuse for me to keep on playing in that sandbox.

You know how Discord does that thing where like...someone's actual Discord handle is one thing, but their name is personalized for different servers? Yeah. The mod I reached out to? Actually my giftee. The "teehee, I thought I had an idea but I think I need to give it more consideration, sorry for wasting your time, byyyyeeee" back-tracking I had to do...

Anyway. I shared the first act of this story with my giftee (patient, understanding, gracious, only laughed at me a little and then with indulgence) and got to work expanding this fairy tale into a full-blown story.

The first chapter of "As the World Falls Down" was posted yesterday, and I'll be posting a chapter a day until all five chapters are up (including the radiantly lovely art by the incomparable @wizardflowers!)

You can find it here (due to the spicy nature of Chapter 4, this work is locked to AO3 users - if that's you, just copy/paste this into your logged-in browser window): https://archiveofourown.org/works/58923310

Side question: can an AU truly be called an AU if it's a direct sequel to the story? Because my tale picks up after S2 of Good Omens. Canon-compliant AU? No, I think this should be "canon-complicit," because this is probably some sort of fandom crime...

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for ditching my friend for kicking someone out of our Discord server?

Some context before I begin. We are strictly online friends, with all of us having more than one social. I am the youngest of this group when this happened, with a friend named Yammy being the oldest, a girl named Isabella the second oldest, a girl and a boy named Lisa and James about driving age, and me, essentially the baby. There are a few other people who would not want me to talk about them here, but they’re all around Lisa and James’s age.

I met Isabella on Deviantart back in May of 2022. We hit it off almost immediately, sharing several interests and a common friend (James). About a month later, we were joking about forming a cult of kindness, and since her username had something with a chicken in it, we named it the chicken kindness coop (she changed it to coop for ethical reasons). I met Lisa, Yammy, and a bunch of other people on that server, and we would do shitpost roleplays and share vents about our real lives. I remember Isabella constantly posting vents and pictures of her life. She was homeschooled, which I used as justification for her constant messaging. Isabella was my grounding stone for a long time.

However, things started to fall apart in May of 2023. Out of the blue, I got a message in a brand new message channel named ‘Judgement Hall.’ Isabella purposefully did not give Lisa access to the channel. She wanted to kick Lisa out of the group chat because she was uncomfortable with her being around. Her reasoning was that Lisa was very religious, which we all knew about and respected. I, as a trans male, and a few other anonymous queer members were all fine with her as she was always a refreshing break from the wild roleplays and heated debates on how you should water your mochi. However, Isabella said Lisa was triggering her religious trauma. I, being an easily influenced minor, let her run her course. However, Yammy stepped in and let Lisa know about Isabella’s message. She sent a mass text out, and told us she was leaving and that this was an unfair judgement on Lisa. Here’s where I might’ve been TA. I immediately replied to her message, saying I was leaving, and asking why Isabella wanted to kick Lisa from the chat without even telling her. I then left the chat.

Later, when Yammy reached out to me, they said that James (who also had religious trauma, but was completely fine with Lisa) had reached out to Isabella. Him being one of the few people who stayed for a while without leaving or being kicked, he was in pretty much an empty server, minus Isabella’s most loyal friends and another friend who would later leave after saving some screenshots. James talked to Isabella, who deflected behind her autism and adhd diagnosis, tried to guilt trip James into feeling bad for her, and playing the victim, saying she did nothing wrong. James (who was probably 3 years younger than her, mind you) was trying to make Isabella see that banning someone from the server behind their back was not ok, but she freaked out and stopped talking. Now, we’re all still dealing with the fallout from this situation, but about a week or two ago, a mutual friend of Isabella and I told me that Isabella wanted to talk, and she wanted to feel less betrayed. Now I feel really bad, because I acted pretty abruptly, but I really don’t know. Yammy and my other friends think I’m in the right, but our mutual friend says I betrayed her and left her in the dust. I really need an outside opinion.

AITA?

(sorry for the incohesive mess)

What are these acronyms?

[anarchistartistvt]

honestly I think it’s pretty fucked up how much shit I got over my post.

“hey wait a second these Reddit discussions might be onto something-“ “YOU PEDO DEFENDER DELETE THE POST KILL YOURSELF GRAHHHHHH”

The shitty part is that I didn’t even actively seek out this info. my now ex was posting the Reddit shit in a discord server I owned, and I was like “wait whoa they might be onto something here”. Given it was already on Reddit I figured more people knew but god damn it was like I opened Pandora’s box.

Won’t say I didn’t fuck things up for myself and my friends. Someone tried to doxx my friend daenumao (unsuccessfully thank fuckin god), and I was too stubborn to delete the posts the minute things blew out of proportion. I thought I could handle it. I had gone through shit similar to this before, what with StickyBM trying to accuse me of a parasocial freak and Jordy claiming I doxxed them(only to find out it was their discord tag that got leaked). I thought I was doing the right thing. I knew how detrimentally destructive allegations could be, fake or not.

I sort of named my ex in there because I didn’t want to claim credit for what I had found. It wasn’t to throw her under the bus, and as soon as she asked me to delete the credit part, I did.

In a friend server I was in, I was being pinged about the situation nonstop. People were telling me to delete it, and it just felt like silencing me. I was getting harassed left and right. Someone started threatening me on tumblr(a platform I rarely used until now), people started bringing up fake or already resolved shit about me(had to clear that up on a fuckin Reddit thread), and basically everything started crumbling and falling apart.

Finally one of my friends pinged me and was like “delete the posts or I’m blocking you, don’t make me do this”. I had already set dms to friends only by that point, after hearing daenumao was being threatened. I got angry, unfriended her, and left the server. Shortly after, a couple friends sent messages saying they were cutting ties and to never contact them again. Then my girlfriend messaged me saying she was leaving me.

Right now I’m sort of trapped on what I can say without breaking boundaries of anyone. I never meant to invalidate the victims. At the time, my only intention was to raise awareness of “hey this is kinda inconclusive, you might wanna take a look at this”. I didn’t think it would blow up to the point I would get death threats and death wishes.

In a court of law, both sides are to share their experiences. The experience really just told me that the justice system of twitter is fucked beyond comprehension. The victims were quick to attack anyone who doubted their claims, and had no problem siccing their supporters onto anyone who didn’t fall in line. It honestly felt like I was being told, “SUPPORT THE VICTIMS OR DIE”. People are allowed to have doubts, and while I can understand where the victims were coming from, they didn’t care to show much proof denying some claims. One of the alleged victims even said “so many big names are supporting me so I’m right.” Bro what?

When I attempted suicide, it was for a lot of reasons. I have bad anxiety and getting attacked the way I was back there sent everything into overdrive. Not to mention losing about 95% of my friends over this crap. I was only on twitter mainly because I had friends there and would chat with them regularly. I don’t have many friends in real life and I’ve always been kind of a loner. So to see my support system fall apart over this, especially because I have HORRIBLE abandonment issues, fucked with my head.

I’m not happy as a person. I’ve been depressed for years and I’m not proud of it. I’ve been through more fucked up shit in my life than I can even begin to process. Growing up in a broken family, being treated like shit by my stepmother and put through so much abuse, flunking out of high school and falling through the cracks, running away at 19 and immediately being raped and molested by someone I saw like an older brother, being sexually and emotionally abused by an ex who blamed me for being raped, moving out of my aunts house only to be institutionalized from a suicide attempt 4 months later, being in the homeless system, being treated like shit by the government programs, being doxxed and swatted and harassed and had deepfakes made of me, possibly having a condition that means I’m likely to be dead from suicide by the age of 34, etc. Like, I’ve genuinely been through hell and back and a lot of people know it. Maybe more people than I should be telling.

I tend to over share, I vent too much, I go into slumps quickly, and overall I’m a fucking mess mentally. I had gone into a bad psychotic breakdown last week due to trauma and a bad reaction to new meds, so my mental state wasn’t exactly the best when this shit even started. By this point I was already having a sinking feeling that my girlfriend was planning on leaving me, and then a few days later she hit her breaking point.

When I typed up that final post, I genuinely didn’t know if I wanted to keep living. Hearing someone I was close to saying “you better stay alive because you deserve to live with what you did” was horrifying.

I’m a coward, without a doubt. I wanted out. But not from just this. I wanted out from everything. The few people who I was close to, or even people who had tolerated me to an extent, had basically told me to go fuck myself. It quite literally felt like I had lost everything.

I got ahold of some Tylenol and started filling up the bathtub. I had planned to overdose in the tub, hoping that if I went into a seizure from the medication, being submerged in water would limit the chances of me pulling out of said seizure. I’ve only attempted a few times in my life, so you can’t bash me too hard for not knowing how to do it.

As I started undressing, my iPad started ringing with a FaceTime audio call. It was my dad.

Somehow the situation found its way to him and he reached out to check on me. I don’t know if one of my friends contacted him, if he was already monitoring my accounts, or if it had just blown up that badly that even he(someone who doesn’t use twitter or own an account) had seen it. I tried to sound normal because it’s pretty rare for him to call me, but when he started bringing up what he saw, I broke down sobbing.

I explained everything to him, that I just wanted to help, and that I thought I was doing the right thing, and he told me to limit my social media exposure, because of how unhealthy it was becoming for me. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone with my actions. I worded things wrong and handled it badly, and I will wholeheartedly apologize for that. He explained to me that it was good that I wanted to do the right thing, but it wasn’t good to screw over my own mental health over this shit. He advised me to limit my social media usage to only those I could trust.(scary thing is, I didn’t know who all I COULD trust)While on call, I tried to deactivate my account but couldn’t because I forgot my fuckin password. All I could do is private my account and go dormant.

A few people reached out in Twitter dms and I spoke with many of them. They were extremely kind and supportive, and redirected me to the Mandela Catalogue Reddit forum, where I was welcomed in. I’ve been staying there, as well as occasionally posting on Tumblr. I’m scared to even touch my Twitter account with a 10 ft pole, and discord interactions have been next to none. I considered rebranding but I didn’t want to feel like I was trying to sneak my way out of accountability. I was just threatened and bashed so fuckin much that I didn’t feel safe interacting as myself, Anarchist Artist.

A bunch of people were screaming at me for linking Reddit threads and saying “YOU CANT TRUST REDDIT ITS FULL OF LIES” you’re literally using twitter which is probably WORSE when it comes to misinformation.

I never intended to fall down this rabbit hole of who’s right or who’s wrong. I will apologize for how I handled things and how I worded my post, but I will not apologize for speaking up about a story full of holes. For the victims to bully someone into submission is not mature or appropriate, and they should be held accountable as such. I have no intention of clearing my name, I have no intention to regain my friends or close ones, and I have no intention of saying “HA HA I TOLD YOU SO”. I just want shit to go back to even a slight semblance of normalcy.

Even if the victims’ stories are truthful to an extent, they way they have approached all of this is horrible and I’m upset that they endorsed harassing anyone who didn’t fall in line.

I’ll be here for now, but won’t post much. Everything is still a mess and I’m still concerned for my safety.

[gemgirl28]

How do you make friends in zutara fandom? It’s been really hard for me because I seem to find myself in bigger discords where it feels like everyone is in a clique and it’s hard to connect, and they talk so badly about people they don’t like to the point I’m afraid to say anything because I don’t want them to do that to me too. I don’t know if it’s gotten worse lately or if I’m just looking in the wrong place

Hello anon! First off I'm sorry you've struggled to connect with other people in the fandom. It definitely can be difficult when we are all interacting with each other online, but I hope you do make some genuine connections 🫂

I will say, making fandom friends in 2023 feels VERY different from 2020/2021 when I first got into fandom, and that is very much due to shutdown vs things opening back up. When I started engaging with the zutara fandom in August/September 2020 I was working full time from home doing a job that was often dead (read: I was online during working hours) and a part time job on the weekends that was soooo slow it allowed the brainrot to really sink in as I daydreamed about zk while working. Now I work in office a minimum of 3 days a week and while we are in our slower season, we still have a ton of work to do to prep for our busy season.

And that's just me! I know people who are engaging in other fandoms, have also had work ramp back up, have had family stuff that pulls them offline, etc. It's a different space than it was when I was first making connections with people (and I would be curious to see if anyone who was already online pre-Covid has written a dissertation about the waves of online engagement due to shutdown).

Also, I do struggle to make connections in larger servers, mostly because I get overwhelmed at the nonstop activity and end up muting them. I do think they are great places to keep up with fandom activity, like events, fanart, fanfics, etc, but for initially making friends I find it tough.

So all that to say, here is my personal method for making fandom friends (results may vary):

Engage with the same person over and over. Like their posts, comment on them, reblog with commentary/additional tags, just over and over engage with them.

They slowly start to engage back (liking your posts, responding to comments, reblogging your reblogs, etc.).

Slide into their dms and ask them how they are doing, then tell them what about them made you slide into their dms (I legit messaged someone that their vibes seemed nice and it worked).

Talk about fandom stuff but also about your interests outside of fandom (IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: DON'T SHARE IDENTIFYING INFO. I'm talking about things like fave foods and music, not where you live or your mother's maiden name).

Be friends forever.

Now that I'm reading that back it sort of reads like instructions for getting to know someone on a dating app. But also, if you aren't trying to fall a little in love with all your mutuals, what's the point?

tl;dr: It can be tricky making friends now that real life has ramped back up, but if you give it a little time and effort, you can make some great connections in fandom.

[karasuno-fly-high]

shifting methods!!

so idk who made this originally, but it's not mine. i found it in my google docs and i know fs that this isn't how i type so like ye. i think it's from a long deleted discord server. have fun reading :)

methods under the cut :D

𝐑𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐍 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

lay on your back in a starfish position (no limbs touching, make like a star with your body). count to 100. after you reach 100, visualize your Dr, say your affirmations, and go to sleep. you should wake up in your Dr. 

𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

visualize yourself on a train, you are heading to your dr. be very comfortable and self affirm on your way there. look out the window and visualize scenes from your Dr playing out. when you feel like you've arrived at your Dr, open your eyes. 

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

write down affirmations and where you want to go (can be on paper or your phone, but do NOT put your phone somewhere it will over heat). place under your pillow or near you, and go to sleep. you can also put your script with it. this method goes well with other methods like the Raven and Sunni methods. 

𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐍𝐈 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃:

 lay down in a comfortable position and imagine your are physically in your Dr. the pillows, blankets, sheets, etc, ARE IN YOUR DR. feel it!! constantly affirm and visualize your dr until you fall asleep. when you wake up you should be in your dr. 

𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐀𝐓𝐎𝐑 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

imagine yourself in an elevator, you are going up. affirm between each floor. imagine each floor is a different scene from your Dr, really visualize and imagine it. when you feel like you're there, get out at that level. visualize yourself in your desired body and you should be there. 

𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐄 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃:

 pick a song (I usually pick one that reminds me of my Dr or a person from my dr, you do not have to do this though, it is my personal preference.) imagine you are dancing to or enjoying the song with someone from your Dr. at the end of the song, they lead you to a door and open it, revealing a bright white light. say your affirmations and walk through the door. you should only see white light. you will experience the normal symptoms (numbness, tingling, feelings of heaviness, feeling like you're floating, etc). once the symptoms subside, affirm once more and go to bed. you should wake up in your Dr. 

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐂𝐀𝐒𝐄 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

imagine yourself climbing a staircase. climb for however long you desire. when you reach the top, there will be a mirror, look into it at yourself. observe yourself as it will be the last time you see your cr self for a while. when you are done and feel ready to shift, look behind you. there will be someone from your Dr there. they ask if you are ready to go, say yes. you take their hand and they lead you through a door. behind the door is your desired reality. do not move during this time! after this, go to bed. 

𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐓 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

for this you can lay on your side or your back. put in headphones (doesn't have to be headphones, it might work better for some though), play an audio of a heart beat. visualize yourself laying on someone from your drs chest. listen for at least 10 minutes. after you feel done listening, imagine they get up and lead you to a door. take their hand and walk through the door. visualize a bright light and start feeling signs of shifting (tingles, floating, numbness). once you feel you've left your body, start visualizing your Dr. see your Dr body in the same position your cr body is in. go into your Dr body. only open your eyes when you feel you are there! 

𝐍𝐎𝐍 𝐒𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃:

listen to theta waves (6Hz is recommended), then after that, meditate for about 10 minutes. after you finish meditating, repeat "I am" over and over until you start noticing the signs of shifting. start counting to 100. at 100, you should be feeling most symptoms of shifting. you might see a bright light. then start saying identity affirmations. for example, "I am (Dr name)" or "I am going to (Dr location)". after a while of affirming, you should start feeling detached from your body. when you feel this, start visualizing your Dr. feel your surroundings change. once you're sure you're in your Dr, open your eyes and you should be there. 

𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐖𝐎𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

imagine yourself sitting against a tree. then visualize someone from your Dr running past you. follow them. they will then jump down a rabbit hole, continue following them if you really want to shift. fall for as long as you like. while you're falling you should start to feel symptoms of shifting. once you hit the bottom, visualize a table with a key on it, look around to find the door. pick up the key and open the door. on the other side of the door should be your dr, go through the door and close it. go to bed, when you wake up, you should be in your Dr. remember to stay focused and don't move. 

𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

put something over your eyes, like a piece of cloth or a bandana (mask owo?). put on some white noise. close your eyes and visualize walking up to your Dr self. visualize merging with each other, becoming one. you've just became your Dr self. fall asleep and you should wake up in your Dr. 

𝐇𝐔𝐆 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

imagine getting up from your Dr bed, put your feet on the floor. visualize what the floor feels like. apply this to hugging someone from your Dr; visual and imagine what it feels like to hug them. then do activities with them. after this, say your affirmations and go to sleep. you should wake up in your Dr. 

𝐏𝐈𝐀𝐍𝐎 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃:

imagine yourself walking down a grand Hall. this Hall is filled with people talking amongst themselves. at the end of the Hall there is a piano, imagine it however you want. sit down and start playing a song, doesn't matter which song, but I recommend one that connects you to your Dr. imagine slowly playing the song, everyone stops talking and all eyes are on you. once you finish playing, get up and take a bow. announce to everyone "thank you I must go home now" and walk back down the Hall. at the end of the hall, imagine someone from your Dr. they take your hand and ask if you're ready to go home. say yes and follow them down a corridor to a huge door with a golden handle. they open the door and walk into the light. when you feel ready, follow them. when you walk in, visualize stars. then start imagining yourself on the train to Hogwarts. it should take you to your Dr room. imagine laying down and falling asleep. you should fall asleep in your cr and wake up in your dr.  

𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

you want to be really drowsy. get into a comfortable position and think about your dr, visualize yourself in it. once you are almost asleep you want to say "I intend to wake up in my desired reality". you want to fall asleep right after you say this so your mind has no time to doubt it. you should wake up in your dr. 

𝐓𝐄𝐀 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐘 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

alone in your room with no distractions, lay comfortably in your bed. visualize yourself at an afternoon tea party with your Dr self. right before you fall asleep, tell your Dr self that you have to go home. stand up and hug them. when you hug then you should melt into them and become one. 

𝐅𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

lay in a comfortable position, and visualize yourself in a dark room (first person). then visualize yourself falling quickly. as you fall it should get lighter. visualize your Dr bed with your Dr self in it below you. as you get closer, you should be slowing down. reach out for your Dr self as if reaching for a hug. hug your Dr self and become one. as you become one, you start to glow, your energy growing stronger. then fall asleep. 

𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐄 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

lay down in your bed with no disturbances. make sure you are in a calm state of mind. when you're relaxed enough, imagine an energy surrounding your body, imagine it getting stronger and stronger. start visualizing your Dr and start saying your preferred affirmations. When you feel ready, imagine your consciousness leaving your body by climbing a rope which leads to your desired reality. imagine climbing it until you reach a portal, for example, this could be the door to your Dr bedroom. go through the portal/door. imagine your Dr self is sleeping in your Dr bed, visualize your consciousness entering your Dr body and taking over. 

𝐂𝐎𝐑𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄 𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐃: 

lay down in a comfortable position and close your eyes. Imagine you're in your CR bedroom, there's a key on  your night table. when you pick up the key, a small door in one of your walls opens. behind the door is a little crawl space, enter and start crawling. while your crawl, start visualizing your Dr, imagine different scenes from it. you should start to feel symptoms of shifting. When you feel ready, visualize another small door ahead of you, that is the door to your Dr. when you go through, you should be in your Dr bedroom. imagine your Dr self is asleep in bed. get into the bed and melt into them, becoming one. go to sleep, you should wake up in your Dr.

[polizwrites]

Cutting the Strings

This is a fill for today's @fictober-event prompt: "No, you won't understand, ever."  (tweaked slightly), along with my @bingowinteriron Unreliable Narrator and @buckybarnesbingo Never the Fall that Kills You squares.

Fanfic - Fandom: MCU/Marvel Rating: General Pairing: Steve & Bucky, Tony & Bucky Tags/Warning: Post CA:WS canon divergence, Avengers Tower unreliable narrator, psychological manipulation Thanks to @rebelmeg, @somesortofitalianroast and Meg in the BBB Discord server for the brainstorming help!

Tony knew what manipulation looked like  – after all, it had been happening to him all his life.   First Howard,  who couldn’t stand the idea of having a son more brilliant and talented than him and had therefore  picked apart every effort of Tony’s, magnifying any flaw and dismissing any creative effort.

Next came Obadiah, who had groomed his best friend’s son to be selfish and shallow,  caring only about himself – and damn it if he didn’t nearly succeed.  Natasha came along later - pretending to be his assistant and confidante, only to stab him in the neck.   

Fury wasn’t any better, of course - even if he was skilled at staying one step removed from the day to day, hands on work.  Some days Tony wondered about the film clip from the trunk Old One Eye had handed over;  whether it had somehow been edited or manipulated and in reality, Howard was talking about something - or someone - completely different.  

This all meant that  when he saw how Steve alternated between treating Barnes like glass and going into interrogation mode –  peppering him with reminders of the way things used to be between them  –  well, it got under Tony’s skin.     

“Barnes,  how about you come down to the workshop with me?”  Tony broke in, tired of hearing Steve say “Don’t you remember, Buck?”  for at least the third time that evening.  

“Why?” Steve asked with a frown.

Tony resisted the impulse to roll his eyes;  “I want to take a look at that shiny, shiny arm of his.”  It wasn’t a lie;  Tony had been fascinated by Barnes’  prosthesis since Steve brought  him back to the Tower three months after the shitshow in DC.   

Steve’s frown deepened, “Tony, I warned you –”  he said sternly.

“I don’t mind,”  Barnes interrupted.  “In fact, it hasn’t been working quite right since … well …  you know.” 

 “Aw, Bucky,” Steve replied, voice tinged with guilt,  “why didn’t you say something?” 

Because you don’t let him get a word in edgewise,  Tony ached to reply, but wisely bit the words back.  He watched instead as Bucky shrugged, then winced.    “Dunno.  Guess I’m not used to speaking up.”  

Tony bit back a grin at Barnes’ reply; given Steve’s hangdog expression, it would have only made things worse.    Instead, he made a gesture towards the elevator.    “After you, sunshine.” 

Barnes raised an eyebrow at the moniker, but stood up, saying “See you in a bit, Steve.”  

 They entered the elevator together, and as soon as the doors closed,  Tony said,  “He’s not going to understand what you’ve been through.   Not ever, I don’t think.”

Barnes’ lips twisted wryly.  “And you do?”

“Not to the same extent,”  Tony answered, “I mean, I didn’t have someone sending 1.21 gigawatts of electricity through my brain when I started asking questions about my mission,  or shoving me into a freezer when they were done with me, but I do know a little bit about being  shaped and wielded for other people’s purposes.”   

Tony grinned at  Barnes’  snort of surprised laughter.  “That was pretty damned blunt,  Stark.”  

Tony spread his hands in mock-surrender. “Figured you were tired of all the tiptoeing.”   The doors to the elevator opened, and they both stepped out into Tony’s sanctuary.   

“Steve means well,”  Barnes sighed,  “and from what I do remember, he’s always been like this.”  

“I haven’t known him as long as you,” Tony replied,  “but I gotta agree.  And it’s probably none of my business,  but it feels sometimes  like he’s trying to mold you into the buddy he remembers from way back when - whether that’s who you want to be or not.”  

Barnes looked away for a moment. “I guess it’s like they say, ‘it’s never the fall that kills you, it’s the sudden stop at the end’.” 

“That sounds like some sort of Russian proverb to me.”

“Probably.”  Barnes huffed in frustration.  “ I’m still not sure how much of what’s up here,”  he tapped his temple,  “is really mine.  And there’s plenty I don’t really want to remember, for that matter.” 

“A team at SI is working on something that might help with cutting those strings,” Tony replied.    “Binarily Augmented Retro-Framing - basically taking a traumatic memory and replaying it in real time  so you can make it come out a little different.”  

Barnes gave him a small smile.  “Sounds like something out of a sci-fi pulp magazine.” 

Tony gestured around,  “Welcome to the future, my friend.”  

[kiwiana-writes]

Do you have advice on how to make friends in fandom if you don’t write or draw or make gifs or videos or edits? I ferally comment on and reblog people’s posts/fics/art. I send people asks (not on anon, contrary to this one). I’ve tried DMing folks, especially those who’ve reposted things about being ok with being DM’d, but either never hear back or it fizzles quickly. I’ve also tried joining discords but find it overwhelming to even figure out where to start with those.

I love fandom, but it often feels like I’m driving by a party I really want to go to but I can’t find parking. I’m not a writer, that’s probably a terrible analogy.

I honestly have never had a hard time making friends online until I tried to make friends in fandom. I feel like there must be something wrong with how I’m approaching the space.

I mean, I’m going to keep commenting and reblogging regardless, but I’d also like to make some friends while I’m at it.

Ugh, honestly anon, I really really feel for you. I… am not good at making friends in fandom. At least not in terms of being the one to approach. I kind of just let myself be forcibly adopted by people who seem cool 😅 But that’s not a helpful strategy for you!! I would love if other people could weigh in with ideas for this anon, especially folks who either aren’t writers/artists, or maybe made fandom friends BEFORE they got into writing etc. Off that top of my head I’m gonna cold call @firenati0n and @celeritas2997 as people who seem to just have a knack for making friends, but I’m sure there are other people out there who may have tips for you.

I will say — tumblr DMs are fucking atrocious, at least for my adhd ass who has a terrible tendency to read messages intending to reply later and then they immediately fall out of my head. On something like discord the list of people you’ve messaged is pretty clearly displayed, so if I see someone’s name at the top of the list I’m like “oh shit that’s right”, but tumblr squirrels away the messaging function entirely so I never see it to give me a kick and a reminder. I shudder to think how many people I’ve inadvertently done exactly what you’re talking about to 😭 Discord DMs are a much better experience for me, but YMMV, and I do absolutely get what you mean about discord servers: by nature, the public ones are gonna be the big ones and they can get overwhelming quickly.

I guess the only other tip I can think of right now is to have a contact method in your AO3 profile — more than once I’ve had amazing comments from a regular reader, really wanted to reach out to them, and haven’t known how.

I really hope someone has something more useful for you, because I’ve been there, and I hate the thought of anyone feeling like they’re outside a party they weren’t invited to. It’s not invite-only; it’s one of those wildly irresponsible parties where someone chucked the address on Facebook and we’ll keep going till the cops shut us down 😂 But I GET IT, I’ve been there, and I’m really hoping some folks jump in the replies/reblogs with some suggestions for this anon?

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

Ok so, I need to reflect for a bit. This is like a vent sort of thing.

So Onward isn’t my only hyper fixation where I create content for, there is another that I have put to the side for quite some time. A part of me is scared to create and post for it again though because there is a connection between it and the fandom that nearly destroyed me, to put it simply let’s say they had similar genres, so a lot of the fans liked both of these things and I was one of them.

So as I browse my other hyper fixation which wasn’t killed off by endless harassment, I may see stuff from the evil fandom saying “related posts” or “you might like”. Haven’t seen anything malicious yet. But I want to stay as far from that evil fandom as humanly possible. It’s why I put my other hyper fixation aside, that and I wanted time to focus on Onward.

But here’s the thing…have any of you ever loved something so much? To the point you talk about it constantly and make a self insert and wish to be close friends with fictional characters…only for it to turn into pure and utter hatred and those familiar characters you see are suddenly enemies? Like the sight of it makes me sick now, hence why I had to get rid of my thousands of dollars worth of merch for it. Yeah. It was that bad.

Now I will just mention I will be mentioning things like s*icide attempts, self harm, ab*se and death thr*ats.

While I hate it now and it makes me sick, at times I may capture a glimpse of it and also feel a strange sense of empowerment. Most of the time I don’t, more often than not all these traumatic memories rush back and I start to question if I deserve to die painfully and rot in hell like they ALL say. But on rare occasions I feel that familiar sense of disgust and that sickening feeling in my stomach but then a question pops in my head.

“How the F*CK did I survive that?!”

I came so close. I tried to take my life on multiple occasions ALL because of THAT fandom. I used to cut myself at least once a week. Hell, the harassment got so bad to the point people openly mocked me and called me names in a discord server I was in and I had a huge meltdown to the point I posted footage of me hurting myself and screaming “YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANT!”. I had been in an incredibly toxic and abusive relationship where I was mind controlled and abused emotionally in ways I will not get into as I fear of them still lurking out there somewhere and coming for me if I utter a word about it. The falling out was violent as well and they did disgusting things to get revenge on me for leaving. Something I could never forgive them for. I had people who wanted to be my friend before suddenly blocking me, I would ask why and they suddenly say they don’t want to be friends anymore. Some said I deserve all the hate I get. Literally hundreds if not thousands told me to hurt myself and even kill myself. I would literally approach someone and if I so much as breathe wrong I get harassed with incredibly violent behaviour. I would fight SO f*cking hard for my rights to be myself because those freaks are SO obsessed with EVERYONE being exactly the same as the other! If you had a different opinion you were considered the devil.

6 years of that. I fought for so long because I did have like ten people who seemed to like my art for it. But in comparison to half of them being fake friends who used me for free art and roleplay and the thousands of monsters out there who harass me nonstop! Making hate accounts focused only on me, stealing my art and posting it on sites saying “This is so cringe, I hope the artist dies.” I block and block but more of those f*cking parasites come! They are EVERYWHERE!

As I lament about it I also think…”How the f*ck did I survive that?” The fact I’m alive now is just baffling to me. I went through the soul shattering emotional equivalent of having all of my organs ripped out by demons who wear the false masks of friends. How did I somehow manage to get up and survive that?

It wasn’t like I could walk away. I was broken. It was actually the Onward fandom that really helped back when it was more active (and before 2022). People generally cared for me and helped me. My family helped me. My bunny Luna helped me. They were my hospital while I recover from the intense trauma. Ironically, 2020 was the best year of my life so far.

But the scars will always be there for as long as I live. At least I can say this.

“I lived, bitches.”

[theperfectrose]

With HEX 2023 behind us and being only a few hours away from wrapping up yet another year, I just want to say a HUMONGOUS thank you to @fitztragedy and @skloomdumpster - the most wonderful duo of Discord admins I’ve met so far! I am forever grateful to you both for creating the Winxsource server where I’ve met some of the best people in the world (both of you included ❤️). I can only imagine how difficult it is to not only create the event calendar for the whole year but also keep it running and fixing up all the details in each event. Of course, we also have our wonderful mods to thank for streamlining the process (yes, you @septemberrie ) ❤️ So, thank you all for giving me a chance to be part of this wonderful group of people, for urging me to participate in events, and for literally making some of the worst days somewhat more bearable 🥰

It’s not much, but with a few free hours between plane rides, I whipped up a short Rivusa and Skloom drabble for my Rivusa and Skloom queens 😆 I know it’s short and it doesn’t even begin to express my happiness and feelings for everything you do, but I hope it does let you know that we in the whole server adore you guys 🥰

Ps. A huge shout out to the amazing and super talented people in the Winxsource server. I have never met a group of people that’s so brilliant! Each one of you guys makes me want to strive for better things and I am really thankful for that ❤️

Cheers to another happy year filled with Fate events and wonderful, wonderful art!

“I just can’t stand him sometimes!” Musa groaned as she slumped on the sofa in the suite, closing her eyes and letting her head fall back.

“What did he do?” Stella, the ever-so-subtle Riven disliker (to put it mildly), asked without moving her head away from inspecting her new soft pink nail polish, her tone matching the bored look on her face.

“I don’t understand it!” The empath sprung up, startling the other girl. “How can someone pretend to be so self-centered-”

“Pretend?” The princess quirked an eyebrow, still holding an uninterested note to her words.

“-and keep arguing with me knowing he’s completely wrong.” Musa jumped from her seat and stormed off to her room, only to return a second later and stride to the counter in the makeshift suite kitchen. “Idiot,” she murmured while taking a sip from the glass of vine she poured in for herself.

“Musa?” Bloom slammed the door open, turning her head around. “There you are! Come with me,” she said as she hooked her arm under hers and started walking back toward the door.

“Wha- Hey!” The empath barely got enough time to slide the glass on the counter, watching it oscillate and slowly stop. “Where are we going?”

“I have something to show you,” the ginger replied, pulling her out of the suite and walking fast down the hallway.

“But I have more to tell Stella. Ri-”

“Yeah, yeah, tell her later.” She made a sharp turn, her hand gripping the mind fairy’s tighter to make sure she wouldn’t stammer from the way she was practically running in the school halls.

“Can you tell me where we’re going at least?”

“Secret.”

Musa’s eyes flickered purple. The way Bloom uttered that one word made that little voice in her head that always pushed her to use her powers in situations that could be deemed intrusive rear its head. There were some of the usual emotions - a hint of anger enough to fire up her powers, a pinch of worry saved for everyone she knew, a huge amount of love. But none of those interested her; no, it was a tiny hazy dot the fire fairy tried her best to hide.

She knew it was wrong - Riven had told her countless times to stay out of people’s heads and not mess with them. But the fairy was hiding something and by the way her hands started getting warmer around Musa's wrist, the empath had a hunch it was something concerning her.

So she did the only thing she could think of at that moment that wasn’t going to hurt their friendship.

“Bloom,” Musa rooted herself to the ground, tugging her hand back, “What’s going on?”

The ginger pivoted on her heels, her eyes rampantly moving around. She tried to grab Musa’s hand again, but the other girl quickly reacted and pulled the hand to her chest.

Well, that was weird. Musa had never seen her friend react like that - something aking to scared, like she was running out of time. But the emotions she was feeling - excitement and expectation to the point the empath got dizzy from it - didn’t align with her actions.

“We really don’t have time for this, Musa.”

“Time for what?” She pushed, taking a little step back as a way to show her she was not only not going with her but also was ready to run back if she had to.

“Oh my…” Bloom groaned exasperatedly. “Look,” she pushed her chin up, the black pupils eating up their blue cuffs, “Do you trust me?”

“Bloom-”

“Do you. Trust. Me?” She put a heavy emphasis on every word, never wavering her gaze.

Musa felt defeated. Because of course, she did. The girl had saved them multiple times; Musa herself had put her life on the line several times so Bloom would live on to save the world. So how could she say no now?

“OK,” she muttered and started walking back to her.

The second she came a foot away from Bloom, the ginger grabbed her hand and started sprinting, dragging the empath behind her. She dashed left and right, avoiding a few students, but leaving Musa to crash into them, papers flying in every direction. And yet, the fire fairy didn’t seem to notice a thing - not Musa yelling for her to stop and certainly not the rest of the students screaming some very colorful words at them.

“Made it!” Bloom finally announced. They came before Sky’s bedroom, facing the door.

Musa leaned forward, her hands on her knees, and started bringing in all the air she could pull in tiny rapid puffs. It took her a minute to regain herself, after which she straightened up and began screaming at the girl next to her.

“Are you insane?! What the hell was that?!”

“Door,” the fairy panted, trying to point to the room before them. Bent forward, she held the same position as Musa had a few seconds ago, only her hair was flipped down, hanging in front of her face.

“Yeah, that’s the door to your boyfriend’s room. Now what the hell did you drag me here for?!”

“Door!” Bloom used every single ounce of strength she had left to look up at the empath and point at the door again. “Go in you idiot!”

Pushing her from behind, Musa hit the wooden rectangle before her - nose first. “Ouch!” she said, rubbing the sore spot and imagining what she’d do to her friend once she turned around.

But before anything else, the door swung open, and against her better judgment, Musa gazed up. She had a few other words to say, all curses of course, but they were gone as she was left there staring at the all-familiar green jades.

His features were soft, eyes slanted into two crescent moons, a gentle smile gracing his lips. The harsh lines of his cheekbones stood out from the light crashing into his back. He looked ethereal at that moment - his hand outstretched, reaching out to her, calling her, while rays of light protruded from everywhere behind him.

Musa was helpless, she knew that. She knew that no matter how mad she was at him, no matter how many times he’d say something stupid and get on her nerves, one smile out of him and she’d melt like snow on the first day of spring.

“You OK, love?” His hand still floating between them, Riven moved to close the distance but stopped at the last second. She felt a strange duality in him - one pulling him toward her and the other urging him to wait. “Muse?” He called her name in the sweetest notes she had so far heard, making her blush and place her hand in his.

Riven bit his lip but immediately covered it with a smile, hoping she had missed that tiny wave of relief washing over him. Because the second her hand had landed in his, the storm in his heart had settled.

He had been an idiot, no point arguing there. But there was something uniquely interesting in making his girlfriend angry. Well, he apparently had to work more on his limits.

The Specialist closed his fingers over hers, warmth sparking at the base of her digits and spreading like electricity through her body. He lightly pulled her inside, closing the door behind him.

One glance at the room and Musa was left speechless. The place had its usual arrangement - two beds, two desks, and a huge dresser. Only now, everything was covered in a dark shade of red and orange, shadows dancing over the walls and furniture.

Tiny flames floated in the air, casting different colors to every surface, reflecting in a million freckles of different sizes and shapes. Their tails curved until they broke free from the body, turning into small sparks that disappeared in one blink.

Riven’s hands snaked around her from behind, nuzzling her hair on one side, until he chose to rest his chin on her shoulder, sighing in contentment. That sound itself pulled the empath out of her daze and she turned her head to look at him.

“Wha-“

“I really am sorry, Muse,” he whispered, the color of spring painted in his eyes. “I shouldn’t have said that. Can you forgive me?”

His emotions were all over the place. There was a lot of guilt, plenty of remorse, anxiety, love, hope… She could get lost in the whirlwind only he knew how to create with only one simple action. But she loved it. She loved him because no matter how messed up he or she was, they both weirdly fit together, like two pieces of a different puzzle perfectly aligning with the rest.

“How can I not when you were ready to commit arson for me?” the empath giggled, turned in his hands, and kissed him.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

“Do you think they made up?” Bloom asked, playing absentmindedly with her boyfriend's fingers dangling over her shoulder.

“I’m pretty sure they’re already making new dents in the wall next to his bed,” the Specialist chuckled and kissed the top of her head as they walked back to the suite.

“So what are you going to do for the rest of the night?”

“What? I’m not invited to stay with you?” he asked with mock hurt, adding a short and hitched breath in to drill in his point.

“Oh, come on.” She jabbed him in the ribs and continued, “I just thought you wouldn’t want to come since Aisha is there.”

Sky didn’t reply. He simply hummed and they kept walking, passing the classrooms and the halls, and going for the fairy dormitories. They walked hand in hand, with his other one still draped over her shoulders, pulling her closer ever so slightly on every 10th step they made.

It felt good to have her next to him. The smell of her cotton flower shampoo reminded him of his childhood days, running down the meadows surrounding his house, stumbling on rocks as the gentle breeze lightly tapped him on his cheeks every time he’d turn around.

The softness of her skin felt soothing under his ruff digits - years of training carved into them; tiny memories of his hard work, poured blood, sweat, and tears. But none of that came to mind when her touch neared him; when her touch barely hovered over his skin, leaving goose pimples skid over his body.

Sky sighed in satisfaction, feeling his body relax when Bloom replied with a sigh of her own and squeezed his hand gently. They came to the suite and she pressed the door open, revealing complete darkness.

“Where is everyone?” Bloom fumbled for the switch, hitting the wall several times until she got it. There was a clicking sound but nothing happened. “Aisha?! Terra?! Stella?! What happened here?”

The Specialist sensed her rapidly raising urgency so he put a stop to it before it went off the rails. He grabbed her hand and turned her to face him, saying, “They’re all out and will be for the night.”

His words were calming, spoken slowly and tenderly. It made the anxiety in her lower until it was only a faint whisper, and she let the tension out by exhaling through her nose.

“You could’ve told me.”

“And where’s the fun in that?” he laughed, pulling her in for a hug. “Now, ready for your surprise?”

Her head bumped into his chin with the speed it flew up. Bloom’s eyes sparkled in anticipation, a big child-like smile stretching her lips. She nodded several times, earning herself a kiss before he pulled her toward her room.

Opening it, the ginger let out a small gasp. The room was covered in flowers of all kinds, vines arching along the walls and the legs of her bed, sprouting small buds of different colors along their length. Several thinner vines fell down from the ceiling, their endings twisted in a spiral, holding bunches of yellow bells that cast a soft bumblebee-colored glow. It looked like the forest had been brought to her.

“You always say you want to frolic outside,” Sky said in her ear, kissing her temple. “So I brought outside to you.”

Bloom couldn’t dignify his actions for she could only stare at the view before her, mouth agape. She had always known her boyfriend was a softie and listened intently, hanging on every word she’d say. But that was something everyone in love did. This here though? It was as close to forever as love could ever get.

“You’re…” Words eluded her, her throat suddenly very dry and scratchy. So she didn’t reply anything more, but simply turned to him and smashed their lips together.

No, nobody could ever be like him. Bloom was certain that nobody in the world could come as close to being as perfect as Sky was. He knew her in and out and chose to stick with her no matter what. And if that wasn’t enough, he did things like this!

“I love you,” she said, breaking the kiss and pulling his head to hers, their foreheads connecting.

“I love you too, Bloom.”

[forever-will-last]

How did this amazing polycule come to be? Both in verse and in the discord if it isn't too much trouble

Sooooo in verse? I don't have an answer LOL the lovely thing about crackfic is you don't always really need an explanation for stuff like this. I have no idea how this polycule came to be but what I DO know is that the in verse characters do NOT follow canon. There was no burn book. There was no bus. Regina still got her back fucked up at one point (not entirely sure how yet, or if I'll go into the details of whatever accident she did have at all) but that's just bc I love disabled and chronically ill Regina and want to write her into some of the one shots.

When did these characters meet? Was it high school? Was it college? Who fucking knows! All I know is the EARLIEST in their four years we'll see is the fall semester of their sophomore (second, for the non Americans) year of college with occasional references to things that happened spring semester freshman year (I only mention this bc I literally reference exactly one thing from freshman year in chapter 3, not sure if itll ever pop up again) because I'm being purposefully vague about it. Maybe later on into writing in this verse I'll have more of a concrete answer but I wouldn't count on it lmfao.

As for the discord server, that I CAN give a better answer on! And this is going to be the WILDEST answer of all time so hang in there.

So we have channels for three different poly ships in our ships channel list on that server: one for Polystics (Regina/Gretchen/Karen (and sometimes Cady, depending on the person/mood/setting/etc)), one for Nightmare Blunt Rotation (Regina/Cady/Janis) and one for Dream Blunt Rotation (Cady/Gretchen/Karen). Now, Nightmare Blunt Rotation as a joke predates me joining that server, so I can't really give you much on how THAT came to be, but Dream Blunt Rotation's name was spawned as a riff on the other, obviously.

Literally just last week we were having one of our "blending sessions" where we basically just brainstorm back and forth about what a specific character or characters would do in a specific situation that can be varying degrees of angst. For example, one of these blending sessions is actually how the entirety of the first Dead!Aaron AU Fic came to be.

In this particular session we were taking a deeper dive into "what if Regina jumped in front of the bus and it wasn't an accident" essentially and I had said something along the lines of "Sui***** Regina in any partnership (take your pick from the standard and adjust their reactions accordingly) where she doesn't let on that there's anything wrong until an attempt."

I was primarily thinking of Cady, Janis, and Gretchen when I sent that, as those are the big three Regina x ___ ships in that server, but someone else said "consider Polystics where she attempts bc she thinks the other two would be better off without her" and this had me thinking. What if there was an insane polycule of Polystics + Cady + Janis...

So I asked the fateful question of "do we have a silly name for this yet like NBR and DBR?" The original suggested names were "Pile of Lesbians", "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall", "Mean Girls", and then... The brilliant Tumblr user Sexycornenthusiast busted out "The Psych Ward" and that was it. We all laughed really fucking hard and knew that had to be the insane name.

This all happened on 4/17 and then on 4/20 I got astronomically high as god intended but I really wanted to write. Now, I have a rule for myself where I don't write fic I intend to publish when I'm high or drunk bc I generally write very serious fic (I cannot imagine what hell chapter of a thousand pictures i would have put out with the level of high I was). But I still REALLY wanted to write so I was like fuck it and asked for one-shot suggestions.

Someone recommended hitting Regina with progressively weirder things throughout the day, as we have an ongoing joke about the various shit Regina gets hit by in fanfic (there's a PHENOMENAL cadina fame au another server member wrote where Regina gets hit by a golf cart and then in my main fic a thousand pictures Regina gets hit by a chair). I loved that idea but was like "wait what ship should I write this with bc I want the first thing to be her getting elbowed by her partner when she wakes up" and someone suggested psych ward and that was it. I knew what I had to do.

After I wrote that one shot i started getting more ideas for this crackfic and decided to make a one shot collection set in the same AU because fuck it. The world needs more crackfic and by God does the world need more psych ward.

(final fun fact before I end this behemoth of a post - I tagged every possible duo/trio of psych ward on the fic on AO3 because I do intend to have at least one chapter dedicated to each possible pairing or trio and there are SEVERAL tags where this is now the only fic in its tag and SEVERAL of the trio tags I had to fully type out because they straight up did not exist at all LMFAO)

[you-remind-me-of-the-babe]

My first full year in fandom! Taking bits and pieces from @captain-aralias and @fatalfangirl to reflect on the past year.

My writing:

Less is More - Teen - 1k

A Role to Play - Explicit - 1.6k

A Villain of a Boy - Teen - 1.6k

A Prickly Disposition - Teen - 1.8k

(All of these were part of a tumblr ask game based on love confessions. It was a fun way to start the year!)

Relaxation Revelation - Explicit - 1.9k (another tumblr ask ficlet)

You Are My Favorite Part - Explicit - 9k (written for Erotic Gropefest)

Shield Me - Teen - 21k

Plus One - Teen - 9.8k written with @fatalfangirl for @whatevertheweather

Birthday Man - Explicit - 39k (written with the Discord server)

Trapped - Teen - 11k inspired by art by @takenabackbytuesdays and written for Carry On Reverse Bang

How to Avoid a Scandal - Teen - 20k inspired by art by xivz and written for Carry On Reverse Bang

Archery 101 - Mature - 13k written with @whatevertheweather for @fatalfangirl

Depth of Reason - Mature - 22k with art by @toonysart and written for Carry On Big Bang

Flowers, Cake and Filthy DMs - Teen - 1.8k written for @moodandmist

A Burning Hunger - Explicit - 17k written for @cutestkilla for the Secret Snowflake Exchange

Total words:

AO3 says 174k but there are several collabs on there. My estimate is roughly 120k are mine.

Themes:

5 tumblr ask ficlets, 6 collabs (3 writing collabs and 3 where someone did else did the art and I did the writing) 4 gift fics, and 5 fest fics. Shield Me is the only fic that doesn’t fall in any of these categories. I just wrote it because I wanted to!

Other trends/themes:

3 of these fics are friends to lovers (surprise, surprise) 10 are getting together, 5 established relationship, 4 AUs, 6 canon divergent, 4 canon compliant, 8 Teen rated, 7 Mature or Explicit.

Some takeaways:

Apparently I like accountability (or perhaps it’s the community piece) because there were a lot of fests/collabs/asks/gifts that sort of inherently keep you on a path to completion. I wrote some other things that are just sort of languishing in my docs and I think because they weren’t tied to any other creators or events they are still sitting there. Partly it’s because these other fics took priority because of deadlines or what have you. But maybe the motivation just fizzled out. Shield Me is the only exception to this rule! It’s also worth noting that Shield Me was my top kudos fic for a long spell, so maybe there’s something to writing what I want, when I want, and not when a ton of others are publishing at the same time for the same event. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Best first line:

From A Burning Hunger:

“You know you’re going to have to take your cock out of your trousers if we’re really going to do this,” I huff impatiently. 

I tried to write a bunch of back and forth negotiating between them but scraped it to just get to the good stuff! Lol

Runner up from Shield Me:

Simon Snow is about to go off again, and I swear it’s not my fault.

I like this one because it takes us right to the crux of what’s going on in this fic: Baz keeps making Simon go off in order to feel Simon protect him when he does.

Top 10 fics I Read From 2022:

Bound and Determined - Explicit - 52k by @fatalfangirl

The Space In Between - Mature - 101k by @whatevertheweather

Restoration Ecology - Explicit - 51k by @captain-aralias

Hopelessly Miscast - Explicit - 24k by @captain-aralias

What’s Left - Mature - 133k by @cutestkilla

Ready of Not - Explicit - 20k by @bookish-bogwitch

London Loves Us Only - Explicit - 47k by imjusthereforthefreefood

5 Days, 5 Nights All Inclusive - Teen - 24k by Roobadley

This Will All Go Down in Flames - Explicit - 77k by @facewithoutheart

Jelly Babies and other signs your roommate probably isn’t a demon - Teen - 32k by @chen-chen-chen-again-chen

Other notable fandom things:

I helped moderate two events: Carry On Reverse Bang and the Secret Snowflake Exchange for the Discord server.

I met up with fandom friends irl in Vegas!

I beta read for a TON of fics, which I love to do and expect I’ll do more of in 2023.

I cultivated many friendship and talked to or interacted with folks probably on a daily basis in 2022. Whether through DMs, fic comments, tumblr or Discord chat and interactions, etc. I have met and deepened friendship with so many lovely people. Here’s to more of that in 2023! 🎉

Goals for 2023:

Finish my two WIPs How to Avoid a Scandal and Depth of Reason, ideally before they both turn a year old. My guess is it will take me 5-6 months to finish them.

Don’t sign up for a million things and over extend myself! (See two WIPs above from May and July that still aren’t finished🙃)

Read more! Especially longer fics, seeing as all my faves fell in this category. And do more fic rec posts maybe.

Run CORB again? Maybe? Last year was the first year and it was a fun event went pretty well. I learned a lot and hopefully can make it a bit better this year. We shall see.

Beyond that, I don’t really know! Another fandom meet up would be fun!

[astrobei]

This is kind of an odd question, but since you seem to have done it very successfully and I have no clue: How do you make friends online?

I always see people on here talking about their mutuals and about their online friends, and some of that’s def survivorship bias, but I’m guessing I’m not alone in having no clue how to get from recognizing someone’s username to having them be a person I would talk to about a bad day?

Anyway, this continues to be a weird ask so answer it any way you want and no worries if it takes a while, but yeah, with all the posts about you and haven meeting up I am just looking for advice on *how*

Ty so much!

hi hi hi hello!! i’ve actually gotten asks like this before and i’m so sorry 2 everyone who’s sent one bc i’m afraid i don’t have a super concise or helpful way to answer this,,, (but i’ll still try lol)

to be so so honest with you, i got super lucky because i was introduced to a lot of my friends in this fandom through group chats or mutuals’ discord servers that other people have added me to, which i know is kind of a lame answer because being added to gcs/others’ servers is not exactly something u can control … but you are so right in saying that you’re not alone in feeling like this !! i know so many people feel intimidated by the idea of making friends on here especially since there Are so many users i associate as groups and it seems like everyone has Those Friends (me included, i’ll admit) and it’s probably easier said than done because i did get lucky enough to meet a lot of my now-close friends rn through ao3/comments/writers’ gcs way back in the summer or fall 😗 it also definitely takes time to get close to someone in this way, and these friendships are not something that happened overnight, even for me !! i feel like it’s easy to get stressed out by the potential of every new mutual/friend you make being The Friend and that can put a lot of pressure on both you and the other person to be super compatible right off the bat, so on and so forth, which isn’t fair and will probably lead to more disappointment than anything, so i think it’s important to remember that (almost?) no solid friendship goes from 0-100 overnight and it takes time to build trust and emotional connection with anyone!

so i would say . basically . if you’ve stayed this long and all of this rambling that my biggest pieces of advice would be:

1. fr and honestly just go for it. like you said, i know so many people feel the exact same way as you do, so send that mutual you admire an ask or a dm!! every friendship has got to start somewhere so if you see them rb an ask game maybe send something nice or maybe if you see a post that reminds u of them send it to them ! i’ve made a couple of my closest friends because we sent each other asks a lot before moving to dms -> other platforms, or people have just dm’d me directly out of the blue and i was surprised by how well we clicked !! these are maybe lame examples but. u get the idea lol. Just Do It i believe in u 🥳

2. be patient !! i know i already said it before but close friendships, like the ones you’re talking about, rarely happen overnight. even with people i’ve felt a connection with immediately, it’s taken some time for us to really get comfortable with each other and past that awkward stage so it’ll likely take some dedication and commitment to communication on both your parts! something i would like to emphasize: don’t make friends purely out of strong expectations of being Best Friends because, again, this could lead to a lot of disappointment when someone doesn’t live up to expectations you’ve created In Your Head. find people you really click with and genuinely enjoy talking to, and maybe see eventually if they’d want to move from talking through asks to dms to discord/text!

ummmm. i think that’s all i have to say on the topic, hopefully this wasn’t too disappointing to read because again, i’m not too sure how to organize my thoughts on the subject LOL but i’m wishing you all the best and i’m promising u that almost everyone in this community feels the same way !! make the first move/respond when someone maybe makes the first move to you + take it slow + be kind and patient and you will have friends lining up in ur dms to talk to u 🫡much much love !! 🫶🏽