#I was an english major in college and didn't get to choose a lot of what I read

[annemariewrites]

List of all the books I’ve read

just wanted to keep a list of what I’ve read throughout my life (that I can remember)

Fiction:

“The Outsiders,” SE Hinton

“The Weirdo,” Theodore Taylor

“The Devil’s Arithmetic,” Jane Yolen

“Julie of the Wolves series,” Jean Craighead George

“Soft Rain,” Cornelia Cornelissen

“Island of the Blue Dolphins,” Scott O’Dell

“The Twilight series,” Stephanie Mayer

“To Kill a Mockingbird,” Harper Lee

“Gamer Girl,” Mari Mancusi

“Redwall / Mossflower / Mattimeo / Mariel of Redwall,” Brian Jacques

“1984,” and  “Animal Farm,” George Orwell

“Killing Mr. Griffin,” Lois Duncan

“Huckleberry Finn,” Mark Twain

“Rainbow’s End,” Irene Hannon

“Cold Mountain,” Charles Frazier

“Between Shades of Gray,” Ruta Sepetys

“Great Short Works of Edgar Allan Poe,” Edgar Allen Poe

“Lord of the Flies,” William Golding

“The Great Gatsby,” F Scott Fitzgerald

“The Harry Potter series,” JK Rowling

“The Fault in Our Stars,” “Looking for Alaska,” and “Paper Towns,” John Green

“Thirteen Reasons Why,” Jay Asher

“The Hunger Games series,” Suzanne Collins

“The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” Stephen Chbosky

“Fifty Shades of Grey,” EL James

“Speak,” and “Wintergirls,” Laurie Halse Anderson

“The Handmaid’s Tale,” Margaret Atwood

“Mama Day,” Gloria Naylor

“Jane Eyre,” Charlotte Bronte

“Wide Sargasso Sea,” Jean Rhys

“The Haunting of Hill House,” Shirley Jackson

“The Chosen,” Chaim Potok

“Leaves of Grass,” Walt Whitman

“Till We Have Faces,” CS Lewis

“One Foot in Eden,” Ron Rash

“Jim the Boy,” Tony Earley

“The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox,” Maggie O’Farrell

“A Land More Kind Than Home,” Wiley Cash

“A Parchment of Leaves,” Silas House

“Beowulf,” Seamus Heaney

“The Silence of the Lambs / Red Dragon / Hannibal / Hannibal Rinsing,” Thomas Harris

“Cry the Beloved Country,” Alan Paton

“Moby Dick,” Herman Melville

“The Hobbit / The Lord of the Rings trilogy / The Silmarillion,” JRR Tolkien

“Beren and Luthien,” JRR Tolkien, edited by Christopher Tolkien

“Children of Blood and Bone / Children of Virtue and Vengeance,” Tomi Adeyemi

“Soundless,” Richelle Mead

“The Girl with the Louding Voice,” Abi Dare

“A Song of Ice and Fire series / Fire and Blood,” GRR Martin

“A Separate Peace,” John Knowles

“The Bluest Eye,” and “Beloved,” Toni Morrison

“Brave New World,” Aldous Huxley

“The Giver / Gathering Blue / Messenger / Son,” Lois Lowry

“The Ivory Carver trilogy,” Sue Harrison

“The Grapes of Wrath,” and “Of Mice and Men,” John Steinbeck

“The God of Small Things,” Arundhati Roy

“Fahrenheit 451,” Ray Bradbury

“The Night Circus,” Erin Morgenstern

“Sunflower Dog,” Kevin Winchester

“The Catcher in the Rye,” JD Salinger

“The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian,” Sherman Alexie

“The Good Girl,” Mary Kubica 

“The Last Unicorn,” Peter S Beagle

“Slaughterhouse Five,” Kurt Vonnegut Jr

“The Joy Luck Club,” Amy Tan

“The Sworn Virgin,” Kristopher Dukes

“The Color Purple,” Alice Walker

“Their Eyes Were Watching God,” Zora Neale Hurston

“The Light Between Oceans,” ML Stedman

“Yellowface,” RF Kuang

“A Flicker in the Dark,” Stacy Willingham

“One Piece Novel: Ace’s Story,” Sho Hinata

Non-fiction:

“Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl,” Anne Frank

“Night,” Elie Wiesel

“Invisible Sisters,” Jessica Handler

“I Am Malala,” Malala Yousafzai

“The Interesting Narrative,” Olaudah Equiano

“The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks,” Rebecca Skloot

“Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl,” Harriet Jacobs

“The Princess Diarist,” Carrie Fisher

“Adulting: How to Become a Grown Up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps,” Kelly Williams Brown

“How to Win Friends and Influence People,” Dale Carnegie

“Carrie Fisher: a Life on the Edge,” Sheila Weller

“Make ‘Em Laugh,” Debbie Reynolds and Dorian Hannaway

“How to be an Anti-Racist,” Ibram X Kendi

“Maus,” Art Spiegelman

“I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings,” Maya Angelou

“Wise Gals: the Spies Who Built the CIA and Changed the Future of Espionage,” Nathalia Holt

“Persepolis,” and “Persepolis II,” Marjane Satrapi

“How to Write a Novel,” Manuel Komroff

“The Nazi Genocide of the Roma,” Anton Weiss-Wendt

“Children of the Flames: Dr. Josef Mengele and the Untold Story of the Twins of Auschwitz,” Lucette Matalon Lagnado and Sheila Cohn Dekel

[sweetsungie]

the silence between two special songs | h.j | part 2

pairing: souncloud! jisung x reader (ft. dancer! hyunjin)

genre: college au, childhood friends to lovers, fluff, angst, mature content, fwb, mutual pining, unrequited love, rapper jisung, english major reader

series: the silence between two special songs

word count: 17k

warnings: cursing, fluff, angst, smoking, marijuana use, making out, attempt of a fake relationship, suggestive (if you squint), jisung is going through a lot, yn is oblivious, feels upon feels

synopsis:

falling in love with someone was one of the best and worst things a person could do. you’d remember the first time your heart skipped a beat at the sound of their voice and how perfectly their lips fit into yours. you’d remember how they encapsulated every single fiber being within you that you could no longer breathe when you were around them; likewise, you didn’t want to.

you’d remember all the good things about them.

but then you’d remember the first time it ached knowing that they cared about you, but not enough. how they loved you, but not the way you wanted them to.

not the way you wanted hyunjin to.

and not the way jisung wanted you to.

•°. *࿐

a/n: i spent way too much time writing this haha. i really liked the end product tho so a win is a winnnnn ;)

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

comment to be a part of the taglist <3

masterlist

series playlist

It all started out as a crush. 

You know, the kind where you like like someone. Sometimes, if you were lucky, you’d get a kiss on the cheek on the playground. It’d start out with a sweet, innocent, slightly awkward crush. Playgrounds eventually became basements and games of spin the bottle. 

Jisung hoped to land on you. Eventually, it did, but he didn’t get anywhere near your lips. He’d laugh it off, the both of you saying, “Gross, spin it again.” He would put on a facade even though he wanted to give you one of the sloppiest kisses ever, not knowing where to place his hands right in front of everyone. 

In the mind of a fourteen-year-old, fresh into high school, he’d hoped that after the sloppy kiss, you’d both confess that you had liked each other a lot. He’d expect the two of you to grow nervous and not do anything about it, though. 

By grade ten, he’d properly ask you out. He’d bring you orange tulips from his mother’s garden one morning because those were your favorite. He’d hold your hand, hug you, and tell you that you were so pretty that sometimes he needed to look away. And soon after you’d got together, the both of you would’ve started to get an understanding of the whole kissing thing.  

By grade eleven, he’d figured out where to place his hands, and he would hold you gently like you were his world, and he didn't want to break you. Then you’d look at him smiling and laughing, your heart filled with love, thinking, “Yes, I choose him. He is my person."

By senior year, you’d begun to love each other, and it was gentle, almost artful, like a flower blooming. Aside from himself, you knew everything about him as he did you. What you both liked, what you both hated, what you both loved. You found comfort in each other for so many years. It felt right.

And by the end of college, you’d both gotten so used to each other that it was crazy. It was crazy how you’d become one person in two separate bodies. You were his world. Kisses became more passionate, and your love became an unstoppable fire.

In the mind of a fourteen-year-old, fresh into high school, Jisung started imagining his whole life with you.

Once the weekend ended, you found yourself already dreading the start of the next week.

Waking up in the mornings had to be one of the top ten worst parts of your days, and although you were well into the semester by now, it didn't make it any easier. You couldn't help yourself that you just weren't a morning person.

Your day consisted of everything you were used to normally… except the fact that you flunked your literature quiz. You were pretty bummed about that. But, despite your disappointment, the day had gone by fast, and soon you found yourself walking beside Hyunjin and Felix toward the dance studio. 

As ridiculous as it sounded, you’d hoped that Minho would take it easy today because you felt so mentally drained, but he didn't. Today really proved itself to be a shitty day.

Throughout practice, you couldn't understand why it felt like you had two left feet. Nothing was sticking, you kept zoning out, and your memory and coordination sucked. Why were you struggling so much? Your mind felt so cloudy. 

You kept repeating the conversation with Jisung. There was no way he took everything seriously, right? You saw each other throughout the rest of the weekend, and yeah, maybe you both made a few jokes about it randomly. But that was it. 

A joke.

It was all a big joke and you were waiting for him to tell you that too. You waited and waited for him to knock on your bedroom door—even to just burst right through it and tell you how absolutely crazy that plan was. But he never came, so you kept telling yourself instead, until it suddenly didn't feel like one anymore.

By now, dance practice had ended fifteen minutes ago, and nearly everybody had cleared out of the studio. After your lackluster performance, you decided to stay a little longer. 

Were you really going to get intimately involved with your best friend? 

“Fuck-” you huffed out. You were missing all the beats, which was starting to aggravate you. 

After knowing Jisung for all your life, you couldn't believe that you were just now having a conversation about intimacy with each other… and agreeing on it. It sounded fake.

You shook your thoughts away. “Focus.”

"Y/N?" A voice called out. It didn’t take you too long to realize whose it was. Nobody else sounded the way he did. "I thought you left already for the day." He walked up to you and, as he got closer, noticed your attempt to conceal your annoyance with yourself. 

You gave him a soft smile, hoping that it was, at the very least, believable. “Hi, Jinnie." 

He looked really good today. His duffle was slung over his shoulder, a sweatband around his wrist. Your eyes trailed up his exposed arm, the slight definition of his muscles. And then you followed to his lips. It wore the same shade of pink that you loved. He looked really fucking good and you just wanted to scream. Scream because of your situation– scream because of him. 

Instead of doing so, Hyunjin frowned, taking into account your gloomy expression. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"Nothing happened."

He sighed, setting his duffle down on the floor beside yours. "Has anybody ever called you a bad liar?" 

Too many times to count. You shook your head, "Nothing happened! Seriously! I'm just kind of emotional today– it's whatever." 

As soon as you said that, he crossed his arms and simply looked down at you quizzically. He didn't believe a single thing you’d just said. It was intimidating, the way he looked at you. Although you were stressed and could’ve easily broken down just by his gaze, you tried your best to keep your composure. 

The room was silent, and you couldn't help but feel your cheeks redden at his firm stare. His look alone excited every inch of you, and you couldn't help it. You were covered in goosebumps. 

"Why do you always do that," you groaned, hugging your legs into your chest to hide your face as you were pretty embarrassed by your rosy cheeks. 

He quirked an eyebrow, "Do what?"

You looked at him and muttered, "You know what you are doing, Hyunjin."

He titled his head. "Hmm... I'm not too sure I do?" He was aware that he often stared at people too much, but he couldn't help it as it was out of pure curiosity.

In your case, he had put two and two together within a span of a few seconds. He recalled your constant sighs and mumbles to yourself throughout the practice. You were beating yourself up too harshly. He knew what upset you, but he wanted you to tell him when you were comfortable enough.

You didn't respond.

A few moments passed before he slowly crouched in front of you, a soft smile plastered on his lips. You sucked in a breath as your faces were now roughly inches apart.  

"If you're not going to tell me what's wrong, at least let me help you. Let's take it from the top,” he spoke kindly.

It was the worst torture ever. 

Having him there, crouched in front of you and inches apart. Smiling and handsome–but not being allowed to do everything your hands had been dreaming of since you’d met him. He made you feel many extraordinary things, and it was never an issue despite you knowing he’d probably never feel the same.

You loved everything about him enough to fill the missing piece in your heart. Your love for him would be sufficient for both of you. You were so sure of it.

The sweet scent of strawberry lingered in your nose. It warmed your skin. It warmed your soul. You always loved the smell of strawberries and how they tasted. 

It was horribly clear that it was unbearable to just be his friend. Your throat ran dry, and you swallowed. "And what if I don’t want to?" you whispered; it was just enough for him to hear. Your eyes never broke away from his, although your heart was ready to burst out of your chest. 

You were being bold. A little too bold. Usually, you didn't mind expressing yourself. It was one of your many most honorable traits. But this wasn't anything you would've typically done to the boy you were so head over heels for. 

Maybe your emotions were all too distorted right now, but the look in his eyes made you ignore all your doubts. Your failed quiz, your horrible dancing, Jisung. It all suddenly disappeared, and all that was left was someone as beautiful as Hwang Hyunjin.

Silence filled the room once more as he bit down on the side of his cheek, charmed by your striking response. He attempted to speak before he caught himself, lightly chuckling. His eyes trailed down your face before looking back up to meet your eyes again, "...I never knew you were this stubborn Y/N." 

You shrugged in response, making him analyze you for a moment, thinking. You were interesting to him. Finally, he stood up, recreating the distance between you both. Suddenly the scent of strawberries disappeared, and you felt colder. 

Without a word, he lent his hand for you to grab, and you just simply stared at it, "If you don't want to dance, that's okay. At least just take my hand–it makes me upset seeing you like this." 

Although you wanted to continue moping around at your leisure, his lent-out hand was too irresistible to ignore. You took his hand in yours and stood up. 

He brought his lips up into a proud grin, dimples exposed. "Good. Now we are going to have a quick dance lesson."

"Hyunjin!"

He laughed loudly, "Yes, darling."

You almost choked on your words. Pausing for a moment, you tried to forget what he just called you. "Um… I’m not going to intrude on the rest of your day. I can practice alone." 

Giving you a sympathetic look, he noticed that you tended to let things get to your head. He couldn't blame you; he was the same way. He was always so hard on himself. It was something he was working on. 

He could tell that you were upset with your performance today. And if he really wanted to, he could’ve continued to make the situation lighthearted and witty, but instead, he pulled you into his chest, his arms wrapping around your neck. 

And suddenly, just like that, the smell of strawberries came rushing back. Except for this time, it hit ten times harder. 

You froze into place. When was the last time you hugged him? Last year before he went abroad? No, you just gave him a wave of goodbye. Maybe it was when you both won that beer pong game together at some random party freshman year. 

You hesitantly wrapped your arms around his waist, and suddenly your skin began to burn. It burned so much that it began to glow.

His chin rested on your head and he sighed, "Don't let today’s little slip-up get to your head." He firmly reassured you, "I've watched you all this time, and you have been doing amazing–you are amazing." 

Your knees felt weak as the world around you was in slow motion. While you stood engulfed by his touch, you continued to fall for him in silence because, in silence, you felt no rejection. 

And at that moment, it felt like you were the only ones that existed. That was, until your phone rang with a video call.

The both of you parted at the sound and you internally groaned, reading the contact. Yeah, you felt somewhat better from Hyunjin’s consolation but seeing Jisung’s name on your screen kind of frustrated you once more.

Inevitably enough, you answered the call. “Yes?”

“Oh, sorry, are you still at practice? I thought you finished.” His eyes widened cutely as he noticed the familiar dance studio ceiling. 

You shook your head. “It’s done. I just stayed to practice some more,” you clarified. Soon enough, Hyunjin popped his head in the frame, and Jisung’s eyebrows rose in curiosity. It was clear he was definitely thinking things.

Hyunjin waved, “Hey Hannie.”

A sly smile formed on Jisung’s lips, “What’s up man? I was going to ask if Y/N wanted to grab food, but she has company.”

You rolled your eyes, but the boy beside you didn't notice. Instead, he laughed at Jisung’s comment. “It’s not like we have dance together or anything…” you butted in. “Besides, I’m in the middle of cleaning up some moves, so I can’t make it to dinner.”

Hyunjin looked at you, slightly concerned. “You should eat something.”

“I’ll eat later. You both should go!” you forced a smile. If it were any other day, you would’ve agreed, but you really needed to practice some more.

Jisung spoke up, “How about we all grab some pizza later?” He asked, heavily emphasizing the word all, which made you glare at him slightly through your screen. He hid a mischievous smile.

“That sounds fair, right Y/N?” Hyunjin asked. His eyes hadn't left you. “We can practice together first. If you’re okay with that, of course.”

“Yeah Y/N, sounds good?” Jisung sheepishly asked, and you wanted to hang up on him so badly just by hearing his smug tone.

But instead, you pitifully caved. “Yeah, sounds good.”

You didn't really have much to say to Hyunjin during the walk to the pizza parlor. 

It was evident that you were an overthinker. For the rest of your self-made practice, Hyunjin had helped you relearn everything from earlier but your mind constantly overflooded, recalling everything that had just happened between the two of you. You wanted to hug him again.

As for the boy beside you, he enjoyed the comfortable silence. It was therapeutic and calming. And it was quite ironic because your mind was far from quiet.

“What are you doing this Saturday?” Hyunjin abruptly asked. The both of you had come to a stop at a crosswalk. He pouted, “I have two tickets to this new art exhibit that had just opened, and my friend canceled on me.”

Your gaze fell on him and he gave you a half smile, shaking his head like he found himself ridiculous. 

“I’m not sure if art is really your thing but, would you like to go with me?” he added.

A moment passed before the light of the crosswalk signaled for everyone to walk. “I’m down to go if you want me to,” you stated as the two of you followed behind other pedestrians. 

“Of course I do. I just hope it won’t bore you to death.”

Nothing would ever bore you when it came to him. He was the most interesting and fascinating person you’d ever met. 

You shook your head, smiling at him. “I won’t get bored, trust me.”

He grinned adorably. “It’s this Saturday at noon. Does that work for you?” You pondered for a few moments, recalling if you had any other appointments near that hour. He mistook the silence as you being busy. “We could go later—”

You cut him off, “No, noon is perfect.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, of course! I can't wait Jinnie!”

He gave you a dimpled smile and your heart nearly melted at the sight. 

Before you both knew it, you had arrived at the pizza parlor. You always found it so offputting how quiet the parlor was during the weekday. It was a hotspot during the weekend, filled with vibrant students, both drunk and sober, with top hits blaring through the speakers. Now it just looked like a regular pizza shop.

Hyunjin spotted Jisung leaned against the brick wall near the entrance. His frame was engulfed, like usual, with his favorite hoodie you got him, the hood over his head. If you weren't still icky from your conversation on Friday, you would’ve run into his warm arms because of how stressed you were today. He gave really good hugs—the best ones.

He was too busy with his phone to notice the two of you until walking up to him.

“Hey Ji,” you greeted.

He looked up, instantly a smile forming on his lips as he saw you. “Oh, hey guys.” His eyes trailed over to Hyunjin and he stood up from against the wall, his weight now balanced on both his feet. He proceeded to then give Hyunjin a quick wave before turning to you, suddenly encapsulating you into a deep hug. 

Your eyes widened suddenly until you felt his familiar arms soak in. You let him hug you.

Seeing how his hug lasted more than five seconds already, you glanced at Hyunjin. He stood silently, almost uncomfortably, as he waited for the both of you to finish. Then, he caught your gaze, and his eyebrows rose. 

“Alright Ji, you can let go now,’ you lightly chuckled as you felt uneasy with the physical display in front of Hyunjin. Plus, it was 7 pm and you were standing in front of an almost dead pizza parlor embraced by your best friend for no reason at all.

Jisung finally pulled away, “Sorry. I just missed you that’s all…” He dramatically sighed out loud which made you give him a suspicious look. You were confused as to why he was acting like that. He peered over to Hyunjin who was now attempting to entertain himself with his phone and gave you a quick wink. 

Was he attempting to make Hyunjin jealous? You felt the blood run through your cheeks. 

Noticing the quietness, Hyunjin looked up from his device. “Oh, are you guys ready to head in?” He put his phone in his pocket. Jisung nodded and followed behind him as he began to walk inside.

You were still hung up on Jisung’s wink. What exactly was he pulling, especially on his own? Jisung sucked at making anything remotely believable. He sucked at pranks, at lying (no matter how much he attempted to drag you in this), and practically anything else along the lines of improvising. 

Since Hyunjin had walked in first and was in front, he couldn't see what happened next but you nearly flicked Jisung right in the forehead. There was no way in hell Hyunjin would get jealous of Jisung. There was no way in hell Hyunjin would get jealous point blank period. He didn't like you.

Jisung pulled your arm, bringing you closer. “Y/N, you need to play along,” he harshly whispered.

You furrowed your eyebrows and scoffed at his words. Maybe a couple of days ago when the plan was still fresh you would've, but now you really weren't in the mood to play fake girlfriend and boyfriend. Especially after the day you just had. 

“Well, you're coming on too strong.” 

He shook his head, “No, I just don't think you're doing enough.”

You rolled your eyes, hitting the back of his head. “How’s that for enough?” He winced, holding it.

Hyunjin heard the commotion and turned to find Jisung giving you the biggest glare. He awkwardly cleared his throat, looking in between the both of you. “Uh, everything okay?”

You caught up to him, leaving Jisung behind with a smile. “Yep!” 

Soon enough you all began to enjoy your slices of pizza, talking about weekday plans and small life updates. Of course, Jisung didn't let you rest though. After the little incident earlier, he made it his dying wish to make you annoyed.

You insisted he sit beside Hyunjin in the booth but he demanded to sit beside you. Usually, you didn't mind but after knowing his intentions with this dinner, you wanted to be far from him. But since you didn't want to cause a scene and confuse Hyunjin more than he already seemed to be, you let him be. 

Hyunjin took a sip of his cola as you nearly shoved Jisung out of the booth like it was the most normal thing ever. The boy across from you lightly chuckled to himself, “You guys are arguing a lot more than usual.”

“Well, Jisung tried to kiss your cheek,” you told yourself. “You’d always let him kiss your cheek, though,” you responded. “Yes, but he was getting on your nerves on purpose. He didn’t deserve to kiss your cheek.”

You nearly laughed hysterically at the conversation you just had with yourself. You were losing your mind, seriously.

Jisung fully sat back in the booth and waved his hand, shaking his head at Hyunjin. He was acting like his life didn't flash before his eyes just a moment ago. “It’s all good. Right Y/N?”

It took a lot for you to not say anything incriminating. “Yeah, I guess it is,” you gritted. 

The boy across from you was slightly amused by the interaction, “If I didn't know that you guys were best friends, I would've guessed you liked each other.”

The both of you turned to Hyunjin almost immediately, like it was instinct. It was a saying that was conditioned in both your and Jisung’s mind. Much so that the boy beside you forgot the role he was supposed to be playing.

“What? Ew!” 

Some time had passed since you and Jisung came from dinner and you had spent the rest of your evening finishing up a paper that was due later that night. Senior year was already kicking your ass and you needed to get your priorities straight. 

There was a knock at your door.

“You can come in,” you called out. The door swung open and Minho appeared. You flashed him a smile from where you were seated at your desk. “Hey, Lino. Thanks for finally using the knocking system.” 

You recalled a few weeks ago when you scolded him for barging into your room.

He gave you a sarcastic smile, taking a seat at the bottom of your bed, “Ha ha. Very funny. What are you up to?” 

He had on the cutest mushroom print pajama set that you had gotten him as a joke for Christmas three years ago. Although it was all for shits and giggles, he surprisingly liked it. You laughed as you thought about his unexpected initial reaction.

“I know what you're thinking, and all I can say is I will wear this for the rest of my life,” he proudly stated. 

You brought your hands up in surrender, “Fine.” He looked cute anyway. You calmed yourself down before rolling in your desk chair to face him, “What's up?”

“Nothing. I was just wondering if you were doing alright. I noticed that something was on your mind during practice,” he began spinning your chair side to side with his legs. 

Minho was a really attentive person. Nothing could ever get past him. 

“Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Just bummed because I failed my quiz, that's all,” you informed.

“You sure?” 

You lightly smiled, “Of course! I’m almost done with my paper for that stupid class right now. I need to redeem myself.”

He slowly nodded, not sure if you were completely telling the truth. “...Ahh, okay. Let me not hold you then.” He stood up from your bed to hug you from behind as you still sat. “Goodnight,” he hummed before walking out of your room. 

It kind of struck a nerve knowing that you were keeping the arrangement with Jisung a secret from Minho. He totally wouldn't have agreed with the plan—in fact, you were clearly seeing why he wouldn't. 

You nearly bit Jisung’s head off for simply trying anything on you earlier. Everything felt so forced and unnatural, and you hated it.

You sighed, pushing away all your thoughts so you could quickly finish up whatever was left of your paper. You were easily distracted and that needed to stop.

Once the clock struck a quarter til midnight, you were able to successfully finish and submit your paper. Excitement rushed through your veins as you were finally able to get some rest. Your brain was beginning to ache.

After cleaning up for the night, you hopped into bed. It was always so rewarding when you entered your cold sheets after a long day. Usually, you would've continued on to the next chapter of a book you were currently reading for class, but quite frankly, you were tired of looking at words. 

Not only were you exhausted of words, but the lack of interest you had using your phone was immense. You had hoped for your slumber to whisk you away as soon as possible to cure your boredom.

But then again, you never really got what you wanted so of course, you were wide awake.

You stared at your ceiling pondering on what you could do to pass time until you got tired. You could watch a movie with Minho… No, he probably was busy watching his own thing. So that left you texting your other best friend even though you were still annoyed with him.

you: hey 

It didn't take long for him to respond. Expected, but very much so appreciated.

jisung: oh am i finally set free from my unjust timeout?

You rolled your eyes.

you: yes and no

jisung: :)

jisung: tonights a good night then

jisung: what’s up baby

you: i can't sleep, wanna smoke?

jisung: on the roof?

jisung: um no

jisung: i’m scared you might push me off

you: 😐

jisung: lmao kidding

jisung: i’m down 

Getting up from your bed, you threw on whatever random university hoodie you could find from the pile of clothes you had laying around. You should probably clean that this weekend.  A few moments later, a knock sounded at your door before Jisung peeked his head through.

He was busy finishing up a text, “You ready?” 

You nodded, retrieving your phone before following Jisung out of the apartment. The both of you entered the elevator of your building to head up to the rooftop. The boys and you always enjoyed going up there during the summer as it had a pool and many other aspects that made it appealing.

Finally arriving, you were glad it was empty. It was midnight on a Monday night, but other tenants usually came up here to smoke a lot of the time so you both lucked out. 

Jisung huffed, plopping down on the faux grass that your landlord installed earlier that year. “Now why are we out here in the middle of the night.” He opened his arms so you could sit in his embrace but you squinted at him still slightly suspicious of his actions from earlier. “Fine, I’ll just be best friend-less.”

Nonetheless, you plopped down beside him, sitting closely as he wanted. He smiled to himself.

“Just bored,” you answered his question. He took out a baggy and rolling paper from his sweater, and you watched as he began to roll a joint. “Bored and stressed.”

“I’m sure of it. You looked rough today,” he responded.

“Ouch.”

He gave you a quick wink, licking the paper close. “Kidding. Here.” You leaned in and he placed the joint in between your lips before lighting it for you. 

“Thanks,” you took a drab.

He laid down, letting his back hit the ground with an exhale. “The fresh air is nice.” 

You hummed agreeing as you passed him the blunt. He took a long hit from where he was laid. 

“Sorry if I was a bitch today,” you abruptly mentioned. “I thought about it in the shower and I shouldn't have tried to shove you out of your seat.”

He took another hit before passing it back to you. “You thought about me in the shower?” 

You rolled your eyes although you weren't really annoyed. Laying down beside him, you sighed, “Do you want an apology yes or no?”

He played with the faux grass, pulling and stroking it unknowingly. Weed always made him fidgety. “I’ve known you my entire life. I don't need an apology Y/N.”

He had a point. But why did you still feel instigated to somewhat apologize for being meaner than usual to him today? He was always the sweetest to you in his own way. 

Still, you continued. “I think it’s because you were doing all that stuff in front of Hyunjin and I don't know… I got a little flustered,” you released smoke out into the air. “Here, I’m done.”

He lightly chuckled taking the remainder, “I get it. I was probably coming on too strong like you said—” He abruptly pointed up at the sky. “Yo, look at that constellation. It kinda looks like Minho!” 

Your eyes followed to where he was pointing. “Wait, you're kinda right.” It looked like a bunny. 

A few moments of silence passed before he spoke. “Is it just me or is this weed hitting a bit too hard?” He sat up leaning to hit the bud of the joint onto a nearby metal chair, “I’m fucking high as shit.”

You laughed loudly at his reaction. He laid back down beside you again, his eyes observing the plethora of stars overtop. 

Turning your body in his direction, you pouted, “But, I think you’re right. Maybe I wasn't doing enough.” You referred to what he said in the diner earlier.

“I was just joking. We really don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable Y/N,” he said firmly, his eyes still tracing the constellations. “Besides this is yours and Hyunjin’s business. I shouldn't get involved.”

You shook your head, “No, we agreed and I think I might actually need your help.” You cleared your throat, swallowing the lump that grew. “He asked me to go to an art exhibit with him on Saturday and I said yes.”

Jisung finally turned his head slightly to look at you. “But you don't care about art.”

“Yeah, but I care about Hyunjin so—” you stopped yourself, cringing at the words that just exited your mouth. The boy beside you fake gagged and you hid your face in your hands, embarrassed. “Okay, regardless- what I’m trying to say is I need your help,” you muttered past your hands.

He gently pulled your hands away from your face. “Well, you're going to need to tell me what you need me to do because obviously, I suck at improvising.” 

You thought for a moment before your heart suddenly began to pound slightly faster than usual. You were definitely high now. There were one of two ways that this could potentially go, and both of them could result in Jisung laughing in your face. 

You exhaled, “Ji.” He hummed in response telling you to go on, suddenly too tired to speak. He began to lazily fidget with the grass again. Sighing, you continued, “Do you remember when we were younger? You used to chase me around at recess, trying to get a kiss. The teachers all laughed, and said you'd grow out of it.” 

He paused. His body tensed and instantaneously the world around him froze. 

You continued, softly laughing. “I remember it so clearly and it’s so crazy to think about now.” He didn’t say a word. He didn't even dare look in your direction, afraid he would ruin it for himself somehow, someway. But, you looked at him, grabbing his chin to turn his head at you. “Isn't it?”

He swallowed, unable to form a coherent sentence as memories flooded through his head. Memories he desperately worked so hard to forget. 

“I need a favor Sungie,” you nervously bit lightly on the bottom of your lip. His eyes did all the speaking for him as he waited for you to carry on. “Can we kiss?”

“Kis—” He suddenly coughed, nearly choking on his spit, “You want to actually kiss?” 

He didn't laugh like you expected.

“I know we spoke about it a couple of days ago and I took it as a joke just like you—but Hyunjin asked me to go out and now…” He never took it as a joke. He just didn’t think you’d follow through. The lack of words on his end was eating you alive. You shook your head, “Oh forget it. Never mind.” 

Without a word, he pulled you close into his chest. “We can do it,” he confirmed. 

You titled your head up, surprised. “What?” You realized maybe you were being a little selfish for asking him to kiss you. “Are you sure?”

He nodded reassuringly. “Yeah, fuck it. It’s just a kiss anyways.” For a moment, he reminisced on your words. He had pushed the idea of you far, far back into his mind that he was convinced it never existed. So there was no need to act as if it did. He quickly shook the intrusive thoughts away.

“It’s just a simple kiss, grow up Jisung,” he silently told himself.

You gave him a look hoping he was telling the truth but something just didn't feel right. “I feel like you're lying… Jisung it’s okay if you do—”

He brought a finger up to his chin, rambling, “I mean technically this would be great practice if you think about it. You haven’t kissed anybody and it’s been a while for me too. Might as well get it out of the way, right?”

Pondering it for a few moments, you hesitantly nodded. “Well, okay.” 

The both of you were laid on the rooftop as the illuminated night sky encircled you and made you feel tiny. Today was supposed to be an ordinary Monday but you found yourself leaning into the embrace of your best friend who you were about to kiss. 

Your very first kiss. 

And as you both leaned in, he suddenly stopped right as your lips were about to meet.

“What?” you asked.

His mouth parted a little, “Huh what? Oh, nothing.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. You knew him too well. “No. Something is wrong, what is it?”

He sighed, groaning, “Ughhh.” It was his turn to cover his face with his hands. Was he getting shy? You lightheartedly giggled as you pulled his hands away, just as he did to you. He exhaled once more, “Probably nerves?”

You chuckled, "I mean you’re not losing your lip virginity, are you?“ 

“Can you stop calling it that?” 

“Never.”

He laughed at your determination to keep the word alive. Soon his laughter died out and he continued his case. “But yeah, it’s just-“ he paused. He was unsure of how to tell you that he was afraid of kissing you. Afraid because he was scared of falling again. “I don’t know… maybe it is kinda weird kissing your best friend you basically knew your entire life,” he breathily half-chuckled. 

You raised an eyebrow. Logically speaking, he had a point. This was your best friend, of course, it was odd. It was fucking odd to you too. But you were growing slightly impatient that if not now, soon enough you weren’t going to want to kiss him. You had to keep reminding yourself that it was for Hyunjin. In the most selfish way possible, it was for him.

“Sungie, remember what you just said? It’s just a kiss. Stop making it weird.” 

He sighed, not saying a word because you were right. He did say that. The both of you technically did discuss it before also, so he needed to just man up. It was his idea too; this entire scheme that he offered to help you with. Why did he do that? He was starting to really regret it now.

But what was said, was said. There was no going back.

So instead of refuting, he grabbed you around the waist with trembling fingers, pulling you even closer to his body. He was gentle, scared of hurting you. 

You laughed and it was suddenly a melody of a song he could listen to for the rest of his life. It would distract him from what he was about to do. 

"You know I'm not going to break, right?" You smugly responded, a smile creeping onto your lips.

"I still feel like I'm going to break you. Fuck- I can't believe I'm doing this, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be-" He began to panic again. 

You put a finger to his lips, silencing him, "Ji, just shut up and kiss me." 

And so he did. Gosh, you were really going to fuck his head up.

He pressed his lips onto yours and although the both of you had absolutely no idea how to move forward or how to proceed, you continued. You both just laid there, entangled, taking in the warmth of having each other's lips and bodies pressed against one another.

It took him a couple of seconds before pulling away slightly. He was really high. But so were you. So you closed the space between your lips once more, this time with force and anticipation. Your fingers found their way into his hair, his lips molding against yours lips perfectly. You followed his movements until your lips finally began to move in sync. 

You didn’t think it registered to you yet that you were making out with Jisung. Poor Minho was probably sound asleep.

Moments later, you felt his hands slowly creep down your waist.  

You grabbed it to bring it back up. “Not a chance buddy,” you mumbled against his lips. He chuckled. That was his chance to slip his tongue in. You kissed him back, your lips tentative, your tongue hesitant as you mirrored his movements. He groaned, pushing you gently so he could hover over your body. 

He was getting too ahead of himself that all he could think about were your lips. How they moved against his, how your tongue began exploring his, as did his—the both of you fighting for dominance. Despite knowing you for so long, your lips were one of the very few things he was unfamiliar about with you.

And maybe you wanted to lie to the world and say how unturned you were in that moment when Jisung got on top just to prove it, but that was the hardest thing you could do now. There was just so much that a person could bare to ignore and he wasn't one of them. 

You moaned into his mouth and your eyes opened out of shock. 

Hoping that he didn't hear you, you attempted to continue before you heard him mutter something against your lips. You weren't able to make sense of it until he pulled away. His lips were swollen and glistening with you. Fucking Han Jisung.

“Are you okay?” His eyes which were low and half-lidded found yours.

“Yes, I just…” you couldn't find the right words.

“Were you turned on?” he abruptly asked.

Your mouth gaped, “Never ever say that again. I was not turned on—“

He wiped your residue off his lips, “Yeah, sure.” He didn't believe you one bit. 

“Han Jisung, I was not turned on,” you reaffirmed. Your cheeks heated up and you hoped he couldn't see it past the darkness. “Stop saying that.”

He could sense your insecurity and raised his hands in defense, “Okay, okay, you weren’t turned on. I get it, sometimes noises just come out—”

“No, you don’t get it… you’re being sarcastic.” You were still beneath him and despite his comments, you grew slightly upset that he wasn't closer.

He was about to continue the remarks that would’ve eventually made you heated and flustered, but he decided against it.

It all lasted for a couple of seconds. 

Words vanished from his mind as he forgot the purpose of air, admiring your appearance. You were between his arms, and all he had was a couple of seconds before he knew you both had to go your separate ways. 

It all lasted for a couple of seconds before you slipped through his fingers cutting off the enchanting sensation he had always desired.

Saturday had come much quicker than expected.

You had just finished your makeup after spending a little longer on it than usual. Today was important to you and maybe you were losing your mind a little about the entire thing, but you wouldn't trade it in for anything else in the world.

Your phone rang and a slight smile grew on your face as you read the contact.

"Hey Jinnie.”

"Hi, are you almost ready? I’ll be on my way," he asked. 

You paced around your room and shook your head although he couldn't see, "Oh—uh… almost! I just have to get changed." You quickly grabbed the dress you planned on wearing.

"Well, hurry up," he dragged out, laughing. His tone was rather whiney and you nearly crumbled. "Seungmin keeps nagging me to play Uno with him but I'd rather hang out with you right now."

You giggled as you played with the bottom of your loose shirt. It took you a few moments before realizing how love-struck you were. This boy had you giggling over every interaction. If anybody saw the way you were smiling at literally nothing you would be so embarrassed. 

"Okay, come now. I’ll be ready in ten!”

After ending the call, you quickly unbuttoned the dress in your hands. You weren't too sure if it would look good on you. It’s been a couple of years since you had last worn it. But your mind kept blanking as you thought about your other alternatives. 

You were wasting time. 

There was a knock at your door as you slipped into the original dress. “Yeah?”

The door opened and Jisung’s head poked through, “Yo.” 

“Oh hey, I thought you were out.”

He shook his head, plopping down onto your unmade bed. “I was in my room working on a song.”

It had been a couple of days since you shared that night with Jisung on the rooftop. The both of you didn't speak much about it afterward. And it wasn't like it needed to be discussed either, you both were fine with brushing it away.

You were thankful about that as you felt tensed the morning after. You had to keep reminding yourself that it was only just Jisung and he would never think of you indifferently, but you kept recoiling at the memory.

You simply made out with each other for the sole purpose of gaining experience.

“You should wear your yellow dress,” Jisung commented, briefly watching you as he played with the disheveled fabric from your comforter.

You pouted, looking in the mirror to observe the one you had on. “Why? What’s wrong with this one?”

“Because the yellow one has flowers and compliments your skin more,” he shrugged. He was trying to tell you in his own way that it was because it was his favorite dress. Ever since you wore it to the park last summer, he found it to be the most ravishing thing you possessed.

You studied your appearance a little longer to understand what he was talking about. Yeah, maybe the dress you had on was a little too dark for the event.

Your phone suddenly dinged indicating that you had received a text. Jisung automatically grabbed your phone so he could read it out loud. You silently thanked him in your mind as you were too busy now scavenging your closet for the yellow dress. 

hyunjin: 5 min away

“Hyun said that he’s five minutes away,” he informed before setting your phone back down. 

Your eyes widened slightly at his update, still rummaging to locate the dress. You had five minutes, maybe even less, to change again, pack your bag, and do some last-minute touch-ups. Finally spotting the yellow dress, you quickly slipped out of the current one you had on and into the new one. 

The boy on your bed laughed as he noticed how franticly fast you were moving, "Woah, slow down." 

You panicked, struggling to zip up the back of your dress. "Hyunjin’s like four minutes away now! Why does a stupid dress have a zipper?!" 

Jisung stood up from your bed and walked over to you. He turned you around by your shoulders so he could help you. “This zipper is to secure everything.” You could feel his cold fingers brush against your back as he began to zip you up. “You should appreciate it.” 

He ached to compliment your appearance but he noticed you were too much in a rush to care. “You look so ethereal.” “I wished you were going out with me instead—wearing this for me.” But that wasn't plausible in his situation, so instead, he kept silent. After all, he knew that it wasn't his opinion that you cared for. He had to remind himself of that a million times.

Despite his remark, you flashed him a quick smile, “Thank you.” You quickly rushed around your room, throwing stuff into your purse. You hated being like this, it always felt like you were going to forget something important.

"You know,” he began, he leaned his head against the wall watching your actions. You didn't bother looking at him as you had more dire things to focus on. “You never told me why.” 

You were in the middle of reapplying your lipstick, and you caught Jisung’s eyes studying you through the mirror. “Why what?”

He pressed his lips together to draw a line and you could’ve almost sworn you almost saw him frown, “Why him?”

It was a good question. Why not?

Hyunjin was the guy with the good grades and warm smile and perfect manners. Why wouldn’t you? He was soft to the touch and words flowed out of his mouth like silk. He challenged you. He made you question everything. 

You were about to answer but the doorbell of the apartment rang. 

Standing up from your vanity, you left Jisung behind as you ran out of your room to open the front door. His heart felt a familiar pain as you disappeared leaving him with his thoughts. Maybe it was for the best you didn't answer.

As you opened the door, your mouth slightly fell apart as you looked at the sight in front of you. The boy in front of you looked absolutely stunning. His light blue button-up that complimented his skin so beautifully was cuffed at the arms. His hair which almost reached its former state now was pinned back neatly. He was the most radiant—the most exquisite entity in human form. 

You truly didn't have enough words.

Hyunjin looked at you and smiled warmly. “Hi.”

Finally closing the gap between your lips, you swallowed, “Hi.”

He noticed how your cheeks became a very familiar shade of crimson. “You ready to go?” he asked and you nodded. 

You headed back into your room to grab your bag. But as soon as you walked in, Jisung was already two steps ahead of you. He was about to walk out and pass it to you himself. 

“Oh—here,” he extended his arm and passed it to you. He looked at you for a few moments before scoffing to himself lightly. He leaned into you, to whisper, “Your face is red as hell.” 

You felt your cheek with the back of your hand and gasped at how warm it was.

It was inevitably clear that you were getting closer to Hyunjin. Jisung knew that, and maybe he was being a bit cynical when he heard of your plans with the boy. He scolded himself for thinking it was a bluff. But seeing you and Hyunjin in one frame, all dolled up right in front of him, spoke volumes.

“Do I look okay?” you whispered, still unsure of your appearance. You hoped your cheeks had lessened in color but after seeing Hyunjin, you were more worried about how you presented yourself.

He nodded, shrugging slightly. “It’s less red, yeah.”

“No, do I look okay?” 

“Oh, you meant it in that way.”

Of course, you looked okay—more than okay. You looked so heavenly that he almost had to pinch himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming. Of course, you fucking looked good. You were beautiful.

In fact, he found you the most beautiful not when you were all fancied up, but when you weren’t. When you were lying on the carpet, your hair all a mess, laughing about something that had happened years ago. When you weren't trying to impress anyone and taken down that wall that you had built for most people. That's when he couldn't take his eyes off of you.

It was an odd sight for him to see you get anxious over a boy. 

Suddenly you cared about how you looked, how you dressed, and how you acted. Growing up, you never really cared much for them. Seeing you frantic, in general, was sort of hard to believe for Jisung. Yet, it was something he told himself to get used to. 

Jisung cleared his throat, swallowing the lump that grew. “You look great.” 

Hyunjin and you arrived at the art exhibit on time. The weather proved itself to be much warmer than you envisioned so the both of you opted to walk. Luckily it didn't take too long as the building was only a few blocks away. 

You didn't know much about art before aside from the fact that it was one of the very few things Hyunjin held close to his heart. 

You remembered a few years back when he came to dance practice with a huge canvas. Minho and Felix both joked about how it was nearly his size but Hyunjin just laughed it off and told them he was working on a solo project. You never saw the end product, and at the time, you didn't really care much to. 

But right now, you wished you did. 

As the both of you walked into the building, there were already people walking around the gallery. Hyunjin gave the two tickets to the lady by the door and soon enough the two of you were granted access to the entire building. 

It was serene. Something you’ve never seen before in your life. The walls were covered with art from all around the country. Different splashes of colors and shapes.

“It’s beautiful, right?” the boy beside you asked, taking into account your reaction. He had no idea where to start. “Sometimes I like to just stand and take it all in.”

You turned to the breathing work of art beside you, your eyes watching him as his eyes trailed his surroundings. “How do you know where to start?”

He tenderly curved his lips into a smile, “It’s just a feeling that I can’t really describe.”

He was smart. But not the kind of smart that made you feel intimidated. He was the kind of smart that made you want to learn things just to keep up a conversation with him. And he was beautiful, so beautiful that you had to look up at the sky to make sure that the world was still turning. The kind of beautiful that made you forget how to breathe. Yeah, you forgot how to breathe.

He grabbed your hand, gently. His soft palm was pressed against yours but you wanted them even closer. And suddenly the world stilled around you as he guided you to his chosen piece from the entire gallery. 

It was a simple flower. A violet.

You grew envious of a piece of art as if captivated his heart before you could.

“Why this one?” Genuine curiosity washed over you.

He let go of your hand. His attention was captivated by the single purple flower floating in oblivion. “I suppose I enjoy the story it’s telling.” Your gaze followed the way his eyes studied everything. The placement of the flower, the shading, and the background. It was much more than you could understand. “Sometimes the most simplest things were the most beautiful, Y/N.”

Then it started. The constant fear that you were never going to forget him began. 

The way his brown eyes pierced through the canvas made your heart beat ten times faster. You fell hopelessly in love with him watching a flower. So much so you wanted to run into the world it was in and steal it for him.

You’d put it behind his ear, in between his lips, or in his hands. Whichever way he’d want it—you would’ve done it.

You couldn't forget the way he looked at it. It would be something that would be engraved in your memory forever. It would be painful, yet the most gorgeous form of pain you’d experience.

You wanted him so badly. It certainly wasn't a new sensation for you. But you never pined for anybody before like this in your life. In every book you read, you seemed to find a parallel to you and him. You hoped that he thought the same when he saw art.

“I mean, you probably understand,” he spoke again. He hadn't realized that your eyes never fell off him. “It’s very similar to the books you read.” You appreciated his presence once more before he finally caught your stare and smiled. "What?" he said jokingly.

"Oh, sorry.”

He chuckled, “Why are you sorry?” 

You blushed and shrugged your shoulders. “I can't help it. With the way you speak, and view the world—you're just so perfect."

“No, you are,” he laughed, not taking you as seriously. 

“I’m telling you the truth.”

"I'm far from it," he shook his head and sighed. He was always the hardest with himself and it upset you to see him so discouraged. Since he had come back, you could tell that he has been struggling a lot to get back to where he was. “Nowadays, I find it hard to connect with anything. But, you make my days just a little easier. Thank you.”

You knew you were never the greatest and you were never near beautiful. Your hair was always a mess. Your eyes had bags under them. Your lips were sometimes chapped, and your skin was dull. You’d admit that some days you wore too much makeup, but other days you didn't wear enough.

You were covered in these flaws that affected your personality and your mood for the day.

When you met him years ago, you weren't as happy as you could've been. But when he told you that you were perfect now, that you made his days better, you realized that maybe you could believe him. Believe that you were the greatest and you were perfect to him.

And you hated it. You hated seeing him think of himself as nothing. You hated how you believed him but it was so hard for him to believe you. 

He was so bewitching and captivating. He may not be perfect to someone else, or even himself, but he was perfect in your eyes.

You wanted to make the light shine in his eyes again. 

It wasn't about what he did or didn't do. It was about who he was and how much you loved the boy before you with dreaming eyes that screamed with a burning passion.

It suddenly was all about the beauty of finding meaning that he shared with you. It wasn't little or short-lived. It wasn't hurtful or apologetic. 

The beauty he shared with you was pure and full. It was the beauty you heard about in songs and books. It was all-consuming, igniting, passionate, and alluring beauty. It was every wonderful dream brought into your reality. It was yours forever. 

Your forever, in the form of your prince.

After your escapades at the art exhibit last month, you had grown to establish a solid friendship with Hyunjin. You reminisced on how amazing hanging out with him was and you wanted to do it over and over again until you both ran out of things to do.

So, you found yourself spending nearly every Saturday with him doing whatever your hearts desired. Watching dance recitals, going to book readings, more exhibits… you did them all together. Just last week the both of you went to a pottery shop to decorate mugs.

The two of you made your way into the car. Hyunjin had borrowed Seungmin’s car for the day as you both had quite the drive ahead of you. As you both buckled, he pressed play on the song he had been playing before you came. 

“Ready?” he toothlessly smiled and you nodded excitingly. 

The car ride was filled with laughter and music. You forgot about the silence that once was a part of your friendship with him. In a perfect world, Hyunjin would feel the same about you. You hoped that somehow you both were playing dumb in front of each other but knew exactly what you were doing. 

And you had slightly hoped that he too could see in your eyes that with him, everything was just painfully different. The way you smiled at him? Friends didn't smile like that.

You wanted him to know that friends didn't look at each other the way that you did with him. 

He watched you from the driver's seat while you laughed uncontrollably over a joke he just told.

“Oh my gosh, you’re so cute,” he said, hitting his brakes to stop the car at the stop sign. 

Yet the two of you were just friends. 

As much as you had wanted more and desired to be more, whatever you had with him seemed to be enough for you at the moment.

“Are you ready?” Jisung called out from the hallway. 

According to him, you hadn’t been a very good friend lately. You had to blow some of your weekend plans with him for Hyunjin. Of course, he understood—with good reason, he had to. But you could tell it was starting to annoy him a little. So today, you were all his.

You walked to him, “Yeah, let’s go.” 

His eyebrows rose as he took in the sight of you. He understood why you had taken a little longer than usual to get ready today. Did you change something? Your usual eyeshadow? Maybe your lips were covered in a different shade of pink. Or maybe he had to pinch himself to wake himself from the sudden daze he was in because for some reason he couldn't bring himself to communicate.

“Is it my special day?” He finally said. You laughed which made his chest warm a little at the noise. He really did miss you more than you could imagine. “Why are you so dressed up? We’re just going to the park.” 

No seriously, he couldn't put a finger on what had changed.

You pursed your lips, playfully pushing his shoulder. “Can’t I look good when going to the park?”

He found it odd. You’d normally wear sweats and one of his baggy shirts or sweatshirts to the park—to anywhere really. You had dolled yourself up and he couldn't help but feel his cheek warm up, thinking it was for him.

Then it hit him. “Wait,” he paused, squinting curiously. “You’re seeing Hyunjin later, aren't you?”

Your mouth dropped dramatically in disbelief like what he said was the most unbelievable thing ever. “W-What! No! How could you say that!” Tough crowd. He wasn't amused. “Fine… I may or may not have plans with him later tonight,” you said quickly in a low tone.

You prayed it wasn’t loud enough for him to hear properly but it was more than enough.

Jisung scoffed, “Wow… and just when I thought I would have you for an entire Saturday.”

“Hey, you have me literally every day of the school week.”

“And so does Hyunjin,” he counterargued. “Why do I have to share a best friend with him?” He sighed. You could tell he was upset but wasn’t trying to be too demanding. 

You furrowed your eyebrows, “There’s no need to be jealous, Sungie.” 

Hearing you call him jealous struck a nerve which annoyed him. But he really didn't want to argue with you over this. “I just miss you, that’s all.”

You hummed for a moment thinking of a way to lighten the mood. You knew you were in the wrong and frankly being a bad friend. But because you were so stubborn, you didn’t want to admit it. 

So you brought a hand up to the side of his face, bringing your lips towards his ear. “If it makes you feel better, you’re the only best friend I’ve kissed,” you whispered teasingly.

His eyes widened slightly and he coughed. He was caught off guard. A few seconds passed before he let out a breath, “You’re evil, you know that?” 

“Then stop being jelly,” you giggled, poking his cheek cutely. “You already know that you’re the most important person to me in the world.”

He believed you. “Fine,” he surrendered, grabbing the picnic basket he prepared earlier while you were getting ready. “Is Lino going to meet us there?” he asked.

“He texted saying that he was still stuck in dance committee,” you informed before raising an eyebrow. “Wait, did you mute the group chat or…?”

He nodded with no hesitation, nonchalantly holding the front door open for you. “Yeah, you guys keep spamming it and I just wanna use my phone without it malfunctioning.”  

“Maybe it’s time to get a new phone.”

“Buy it for me then, baby,” he sheepishly teased, making you roll your eyes with a smile.

Once arriving at the usual park near your apartment, the both of you laid out the blanket and began to indulge yourselves in snacks and yet another conversation.

The weather was perfect, especially for the time of year it was. Of course, it was no summer, but you found yourself appreciating the cool breeze that lingered throughout the air. 

There was music playing softly from the small stereo he had brought. “How's book club?” Jisung asked, popping a grape into his mouth. He stretched himself onto the blanket. 

You looked up from your book, “Pretty good. We have an event next Thursday, remember?” 

“Oh yeah, I’ll see if I can come. I might be in the studio,” he informed before snatching the book out of your hands. 

“Hey!” 

He read the title and looked at you with amusement, “What’s this about anyway? The Silence Between Two Special Songs.” You reached over to grab it back from him. “Since when did you become so poetic?”

You rolled your eyes, hitting the book on his head. “Since when did you become such a headass?” 

“Sorry, I just want attention.”

“You always want attention.”

He smiled cutely, “Only from you.”

You laughed euphorically, flipping back to the page you were last on. “You’re so needy, Sungie.” You continued reading.

He pouted, tossing another grape into his mouth. “I hate that book.”

“Well I love it,” you stuck your tongue out at him and he stuck one back. “Jinnie got it for me when he was away,” you proudly stated.

“Hyunjin… He got it for you?” He repeated you in a rather question. You didn’t realize how much Jisung’s face fell at the name. Instead, you nodded silently, your eyes busy scanning the page you were on. He shifted in his position, “Minho and I never got a gift.” 

You tilted your head slightly confused. “Oh, that’s weird. He said he brought everyone a gift back.” You turned the page.

“Well, I guess I’m still waiting for mine.”

“You’ll get it soon hopefully.”

He drew a thin line with his mouth, disappointed with your lack of interest in talking to him. “Hopefully,” he flatly said.

It was silent for a bit, the sound of birds chirping, faded music, and children's laughter flowing through his ears. It resembled to when you both played outside as kids.

He sighed, “You guys should just date.”

Everything felt off. He felt some type of way towards hearing Hyunjin’s name. He was supposed to be his friend, but he was really starting to resent hearing it exit your mouth so many times. 

You briefly looked at the boy and scoffed humorously, “Isn’t that the plan?” 

A few moments passed and he didn't respond. He didn’t know how to respond. Should he make a snarky remark? Should he say something positive, or maybe negative? No, he’d sound bitter. Too bitter.

You waited a few seconds before abruptly closing your book, startling him. “Oh, speaking of! Since I’m seeing him later today… I feel like—I don’t know…” You sat up more, biting onto the bottom of your lip. “Maybe Hyunjin and I could finally have our first kiss?”

“Huh?” Jisung's eyes widened and he hoped that you didn't notice.

“I’m probably reading into things too much, but I think it could happen today,” you confirmed, nodding convincingly to yourself like you needed it. “So can I ask you for a favor?”

He could never say no to you.

His eyebrows rose slightly as a way of agreeing, “Of course, what is it?”

You began to feel quite ridiculous upon hearing your request repeat itself over and over again in your head. “Can we kiss again? I just want to make sure I remember it correctly before y’know… I make a fool out of myself.” 

The palms of your hands were pressed together as you looked at him with hopeful eyes. Jisung looked at you too. Except he was unable to form any wave of expression at your statement. 

Part of it was because he only paid attention to the first half of your proposal, and the other was because he was once again lost, exploring, and trying to figure out what about you changed to make you look the way you did today.

“Ji?” You waved your hand in front of his face, “Earth to Han Jisung.”

His eyes lit up. He finally got it. 

“You dyed your hair!”

You blinked a few times, confused. “Wha—”

“Your hair used to be slightly darker… It’s a little lighter now,” he continued.

You lightly chuckled, touching the ends of your hair, and looked at it yourself. “How did you even notice that? I dyed it last night but I thought it didn't work too well because it barely made any difference,” you explained. “Like even Minho couldn't tell. I didn’t expect you to either.”

No, he could tell. Of course, he could tell. Was it weird that he did?

He changed the subject. “Uh anyways- what was your question again?” 

Your phone dinged, interrupting the conversation. 

“Gimme a sec.” You lifted your phone to see who it was. 

Jisung expected it to be Minho saying that he’d actually make it to the picnic, but it wasn't. It was evident by the way he saw the way your eyes lit up as you read the message.

And as he looked over at you, it suddenly struck him how beautiful you were. 

Your hair, which he was so proud of deciphering, was blowing carelessly in the wind, rich but light in the sunlight. He had the oddest impulse to touch it, to reach out, to see if it was as soft as it looked. 

Your lips were curved into a slight smile that seemed to radiate warmth as you continued to grow busy with your phone. 

He wondered who or what you were thinking of, and suddenly felt his heartbeat skip when he imagined you smiling for him. Smiling how you usually did, but with a bit more love—the type he longed for in his younger years.

And then you laughed.

You were happy and free and every part of your being seemed to be you. He found it crazy how despite everything, he never tried to forget how your eyes were just the right shade or how your laughter sounded like the summertime. 

You both had been friends for so long. And it was all great until he fell, messing it up for himself. 

He found himself staring, desperate to remember more. 

You finally looked up, setting your phone down. “What are you looking at?” You pulled him out of his daze. 

He was at a loss for words. Why did you suddenly make him nervous again? You’d been best friends for so long. Best friends weren't supposed to make you nervous.

“Um… you… you have a bug in your hair,” he stuttered. He reached out but stopped himself. Should he do that? Did best friends do that?

“Of course, they did Jisung. You’ve done this before millions of times. This was the same girl you shared a bathtub with when you were kids.”

Best friends helped each other, right? He pondered. He suddenly did not know. 

You shook your head in an attempt for the bug to fly away but it only just made his heart speed up. “Is it gone now?” You asked so casually, going back on your phone as if everything hadn't suddenly changed. 

“Yeah,” he replied, aware of how his voice sounded. “Yeah, it's all good now.” 

He knew you all too well to notice the slightest bit of happiness that spread across your face when you saw whatever it was that was on your phone. Of course, it was him. Jisung wasn't naive.

But, did Jisung dare tell you that you looked beautiful regardless? No, that could ruin everything. Everything that he worked so hard for these past few years to forget.

He decided that maybe this feeling would pass again, that maybe tomorrow you would go back to being his best friend, and not the girl that made it so fucking hard to breathe. 

Maybe this epiphany was temporary; that maybe, he would forget again.

"You really like painting stars, huh?" Your voice filled the silent air. 

It was a cloudy Wednesday afternoon and you believed that it would rain later that evening. Though, it wasn't like you minded. You enjoyed the rain as much as you enjoyed the sun and the many things that came along with it.

Hyunjin didn’t look away from his artwork, his masterpiece, "I admire them because they are constant. Even when the city burns to its knees and the ground crumbles right before our eyes, they will continue to light up the world.” He dipped his brush into the black paint, “And they will watch over us forever." 

You weren't looking at his art anymore. You swallowed the lump in your throat.

He finally turned to look at you, his hair blew in the breeze softly and his pink lips curled up into a gentle smile, "I sound crazy, don’t I?" He lightly giggled, crescents forming in his eyes as he noticed the absent-minded look on your face. 

“No, you’re not crazy,” you thought.

You were completely dazed, struggling to comprehend the beauty that was his mind, the universes that resided inside of him. With your heart pounding roughly in your chest, you gazed into his deep eyes and realized that maybe stars had been trapped in them all along.

You began to fall harder for him than you could’ve possibly imagined. 

His heart shined through his orbs ever so clearly. And when he spoke you couldn't help but gape in awe at the galaxies that seemed to thrive in them. You truly believed that one day they would consume you completely and you would fall under his tempting spell forever.

The stars lined up and surrounded you with warmth. Those eyes, oh those eyes, they could hold the whole universe and it still wouldn't be enough. The reflection of you in them treasured the word forever.

“You wanna try?” He asked, drawing you out from your captivation. He didn’t wait for your answer and instead stood up from his stool so you could sit in his place. Your gaze trailed up to adjust to his height. “Here,” he guided you to sit and pointed to an empty spot on the canvas.

You swallowed thickly, looking over at the white abyss. “What if I ruin it?” You voiced your concerns quietly, clearing your throat. 

He shook his head, “That’s not possible.” He picked up the paintbrush that was already dripping with black watercolor and handed it to you. 

Taking it from his hold, you lifted it over the canvas, still hesitant. Were you ready to make your mark? “Jinnie, I really think I’ll mess it up…” 

Suddenly, you felt his warmth as he leaned in from behind you. His chest was pressed against your back, “Let me help you.” His voice was laced with sweetness and his aura was so soft that it warmed your entire body. 

Your former fingers that were once encompassed by the coldness were now hugged by long, slender ones. His fingers interlocked over yours that were gripped tightly onto the brush. You could feel the coldness of his rings transfer to you.

And you struggled. You struggled so badly as you felt his fingers move from against you, guiding you in delicate strokes. 

As you sat there, still as a statue, you wanted to curse him out because he was teasing you in the worst way possible. And it was bad because you wanted to feel his fingers do other things to you. You wanted them to unravel the last thread of decency you possessed. 

Yes, it was wrong but you couldn't care less anymore. He chose the sweetest words to get to your heart, and the most poisonous actions to make it explode. It was clear how you shifted and shuttered so easily under his touch. It had to be, right? You grew unapologetic and wanted your efforts to be known. 

He began to grow amused by you. “Is everything okay?” He asked you the question although deep down he knew the answer. 

You nodded, unable to spew out enough words to form a cognitive sentence. Your mind had been overclocking since you had entered the art studio and you were about to shut down. You couldn't even remember the words that you said that made him smile with his unforgettable grin.

His hand continued to guide yours across the canvas. 

“Does it look good?” you stuttered out. You felt his hair feather your shoulder as he nodded. It sent a wave of chills down your back. He moved in closer. The breathiness of his chuckles against your neck as he felt your fingers tense up made you turn your head in his direction. 

You were slowly losing all self-control.

This was going to be either one of the best things you’ve ever done or the biggest mistake that you found yourself in.

The both of your lips were inches apart, silence overtaking the room as your fingers came to a stop. His eyes were locked onto yours and his smile slightly faded.

“Hyunjin,” you whispered. 

You were trying your hardest to not tell him that you loved him. You were trying to choke down the feeling, and you were trembling, but he reached over and he touched you, like a prayer for which no words existed, and you felt your heart taking root in your body like you've discovered something you didn't even have a name for.

He was confused about how the two of you ended up in the position you were currently in. It was as if calling out for him brought him back to reality. He hummed in response as his eyes now flickered down to your lips. 

His dark eyes took you in, and you wondered what they would look like if he fell in love.

You wanted to tell him that you cared about him so deeply but you were scared. You were scared that he would walk away from you, scared that you’d come home crying on your bed for hours wondering why you were such a failure, scared that you would become hurt; so you just kept it to yourself, hoping that he’d love you.

"You know…” you began, your teeth pressing down against the bottom of your lip. “I dreamt about you last night.”

His lips pulled into a soft smile, tilting his head slightly. “Oh?” His eyes were still focused on the way your lips moved. “Well, I’m glad because that means you’re thinking about me.”

You smiled because of course you thought about him. You’d been thinking about him ever since you saw him on that cloudy night freshman year. You didn't know how, you didn't know why but your heart just kind of went, oh my gosh, and suddenly there was no way of getting him out of your mind. 

And honestly, you didn't even want to.

He let out a breath and you felt his minty breath hit you. “What did you dream about?” His hand found its way to tuck the strands of hair that fell over your face, behind your ear.

You always thought of him before you fell asleep. The words he said, the way he looked. The things you laughed about, the silent moments you shared. But if you spoke again, your voice would have broken down. So you decided to stay quiet.

Before Hyunjin, you never used to understand what it meant to crave something, to yearn for someone's attention. Just the thought of his fingertips tracing your body made your skin ignite in fire.

You recalled the first dream you had of him three years ago.

In your dream that you didn't tell anyone, he held you close when you were alone. He made you feel loved and safe. You could almost physically feel his arms wrapped around you in more than just your dream. You thought the ghost of him had entered your room that night. The warmth was the only thing that kept you tethered in the world.

And that’s when you knew you were in love with him.

In the dream you didn't tell anyone, the one that you had kept tucked away just for him, it was just you and him and books and coffee… There might've been more, but all you could remember was the faint pink in his cheeks when you read poems for him.

He inched himself closer to your lips. Close enough until you could smell the strawberry scent you’d always loved. You let it linger in your nose selfishly. "Did I kiss you in your dream?" he asked quietly.

You looked up at him, eyes wide. You couldn't stop yourself from looking at his eyes, then to his lips, and then back again. You did. You had kissed him everywhere.

So, you nodded.

He exhaled like it was the answer he was looking for. “Can I now?”

It was quite ironic. For a resilient person like yourself, you couldn't bring yourself to move an inch or say another word. The cat had gotten your tongue, and you found yourself quickly realizing that you couldn't ever be resilient when it came to him. You were quite choked with tenderness for him, it made you feel a bit pathetic to love him so much.

Nonetheless, you sat there, under his will, and nodded again. This was everything you had ever wanted. You wanted to taste his lips, you wanted to feel him against your arms.

While fireworks filled the air around the room, he leaned forward, stopping himself at your lips. His thumb traced your jaw before gently grabbing ahold of it, and holding you close.

You watched his lips part as he moved in closer. When his mouth closed over yours, he moaned quietly. The sound was soft, just like the feel of his lips.

Everything about him was soft. His hold on you, the material of his apron that was splattered with many different colors, the palm of his hand that stroked your cheek.

You placed your hand on the back of his neck. You pulled him toward you even closer, and kissed him. You kissed him. And you kissed him. And you kissed him. And you kissed him.

And he kept kissing you back.

Your mouth opened at his gentle insistence, allowing him in. You lost yourself, drowning in his sweet softness. It felt as though the entire universe was right there in between your lips. 

And as he let go, and the fireworks died, you knew that you had landed yourself in a bad case of love.

It took you a little longer to get home later that evening. 

Not because anything more happened between you and Hyunjin, but because you took your time reminiscing the feeling of his lips against yours.

You told yourself that nobody would ever taste like the way he did. He tasted full of colors and aromas. He tasted like everything that gave you life. 

He was the breath of fresh air that you needed.

Pushing your thoughts aside, you pressed play on the next episode of a show you were currently watching—well, the show that you and Jisung were supposed to be watching, together. 

The both of you started a horror anime earlier that week and were nearly done with it. But he had been busy these past few nights with his music so you hadn't been able to watch it with him in a while. 

Maybe you were a bad friend but after the day you had, you felt like you deserved to watch and feed into your desires. So you fell into temptation and pressed play on the episode. 

But of course, in life, all good things came with consequences. And it proved itself so because ten minutes later, Jisung came home. 

"Hey Ji," you nonchalantly greeted. You looked up from the television for a split second before you sucked in a breath in realization. 

You were in fact about to be caught. 

He nudged his chin up in greeting, luckily not noticing your demeanor just quite yet. "I just finished up at Chan’s. What are you up to?" he sighed as he plopped down onto the couch beside you.

“Hmm… nothing.”

He turned to look at you, giving you a confused look. “Everything okay?” 

You slowly nodded in response, slyly trying to change the current display on the TV. You didn't have enough time to fully close out of the tab. 

He furrowed his eyebrows in suspicion, "Why are you acting weird?"

"Hm?" you repeated. He looked at you for a couple of seconds quizzically before deciding to just let you be. He knew you all too well to push your buttons because he had done it far too many times in his lifetime. 

Continuing with random conversations you both usually had, he couldn't help but notice that you were spam-clicking a button on the remote. It wasn't working properly. Ultimately, you opted to quickly turn it off instead. 

"You're hiding something," he suddenly had the urge to grab the remote from your hand, and that's what he did.

You gasped, "Jisung!" You attempted to reach for the remote. 

He quickly stood up from where he was sitting, his height added to the height of the couch. He held the remote above his head. You attempted to grab it but he was quick to change positions. 

You sighed defeatedly, crossing your arms before plopping back down on the couch. "Fine. Go ahead.” You didn't have the energy to deal with him. 

“Aw, that’s it?” he teased, lowering the remote and nudging your leg. He was expecting much more from you. Sitting back down beside you, he turned the TV back on and saw the recently opened applications. 

"Now before you get mad, you were taking too long—"

He immediately glared in your direction. "We missed two nights only!" He groaned, lightly tossing the remote back at you, "You suck bro."

You dramatically frowned and threw your legs over him. “I’m sorry Sungie!” He attempted to push you off but ultimately gave up once you began to squish his cheeks.

He loved the way you’d crinkle your nose when you laughed really hard and the way you gave instant puppy dog eyes when you noticed he was upset with you. 

“I hate you.”

"Stop lying. You love me.”

He swatted your hand away from his cheeks, "Nah."

You stifled a laugh, "You look me in the eyes for a little too long to not love me." 

There it was again. His heart sped up randomly.  

You opened his arms so you could cuddle up against him. He was always so warm and smelled of the sweetest of cinnamon. And despite his annoyance with you, he still wrapped his arms around the small of your back.

“Oh!” You abruptly exclaimed in remembrance, your head turning to face him. “Guess what…”

He pursed his lips, “You realized that you’re the lamest person ever?”

You rolled your eyes at him and he chuckled lightheartedly. “No Jisung.” You raised an index finger, “Hyunjin and I kissed.” You felt goosebumps build up your arms as you heard the words that escaped your mouth. You still couldn't believe it.

As for Jisung, his smile fell and he felt his heart sink. You were joking, right? But why would you joke about something like this? He contemplated for a moment. 

It had to be the truth but why did he expect you to laugh afterward and tell him that it was just all one harmless joke? That you were just trolling. 

You nudged his shoulder, “Did you hear me?” 

He knew there was a problem when his initial reaction wasn't to jump up in down in happiness for you.

His eyes widened and he awoke from his mind daze. He put forth a fake smile. “No way?! I told you… he must really like you.” You hid your face behind your hands unable to contain your smile. He forced a laugh, removing your hand away from your face. “What? He has to.”

“I guess,” you mumbled, still feeling shy towards everything. 

It took a lot of courage for you to open about up about your feelings to anyone. It wasn't like you to act so lovey-dovey in front of someone. You had been keeping your feelings for Hyunjin a secret for the past three years and being able to talk to your best friend about it now- it felt different. 

It felt nice.

“Did our lesson pay off?” His mind traveled back to when he had you all to himself for that one night. It hurt him now knowing that the trace of him was gone from your lips.

You nodded, “Definitely. He’s such a great kisser.” 

“Damn.” 

You leaned your body even closer to the boy, smiling adorably. “You’re also a great kisser Sungie.” 

“But who was better,” he thought. He was starting to grow annoyed with his pitiful mind. 

You interrupted his thoughts. “You might say no to this but…” you began, falling short when his eyes looked into yours, waiting for you to finish. You chickened out. “Um…” you tried again before shaking your head, a groan leaving your mouth.

“What is it?”

You tried to shake your sudden nerves. “I wanted to ask if you—never mind I can’t.”

He sighed impatiently, “You can’t just say never mind after you brought it up.” That was one of his biggest pet peeves. You used to do it a lot in high school which caused him to give you the silent treatment for a day or two. Now, you’d sometimes just do it unknowingly out of habit.

It was a bold claim. You even knew it. “Uh, is it wrong if I asked you to have sex with me?” You ripped the band-aid.

His jaw nearly dropped to the ground. Quite literally. He sat up, causing your body to separate from his embrace. “Are you high?” He dumbfoundedly asked before shaking his head. He didn't wait for your response, “No… you're definitely high…”

You sat up as well. “I’m not!” He looked at you in disbelief. “All I did was ask a simple questi-”

“That’s not a simple question Y/N. You just asked me to fuck you,” he reiterated slowly. “You haven't even—you’re getting carried away.”

The tone he spoke was slightly belittling and you weren't sure if you should've been offended or not by it. But before you could respond, the front door suddenly opened. 

“Hey guys,” Minho greeted, taking off his shoes by the door. He noticed Jisung’s staggered expression and chuckled. He looked over at you, “What's up with Hanji? He looks like he just saw a ghost.” 

You awkwardly laughed, “Oh, he found out I watched the next episode of our show.” 

If you were being honest, it felt wrong to lie to Minho the way you did. About Hyunjin. About Jisung. Despite his tough and opinionated personality, he would've supported your feelings in the end. But you couldn't bring yourself to talk about it with anyone else besides Jisung. Maybe it was because he understood you better than anybody else.

Jisung didn't respond or refute your lie.

Minho chuckled, “Poor guy.” He walked over to his room, “I’m going to take a shower and pass out. I’m tired as hell.”

You flashed him a quick smile, “Okay, night Lino.” 

As soon as Minho left, Jisung snapped over to you, “Were you actually being serious?” He didn't even let you respond before sighing, running his hands down his face. He never expected you to ask him this question in a million years. Not even when you both made that pact. A kiss, sure. But to have sex with each other? He just couldn't do that to himself.

Noticing how distressed he looked, you awkwardly sat up, removing your legs from his lap. “You seem upset, so never mind I asked.”

Hearing your tone, he scoffed, “You can't be mad right now Y/N.”

“Who said I was mad?”

“I can tell by your voice—”

You interrupted him. “Jisung, if I really needed to fuck someone so badly for practice I can just ask someone else.”

You believed that he was beginning to start an argument over something so little and you didn't want to ruin the rest of your perfect day. So, you walked off into your room. 

Of course, he was entitled to his own opinion and decision about this. Besides, he wasn't the type to just sleep around. But he could've just straight up said no instead of making you feel so deranged for asking. 

You huffed, sitting down on your bed with your arms crossed. Somehow you felt like a little kid that was sent to their room for bad behavior. Okay, maybe you were rashly acting out. 

You needed to be the bigger person here. He did more than enough to help you with Hyunjin. You got your kiss as discussed originally, and that was all you needed. You felt very selfish.

As soon as you stood up to apologize, the door knocked. You opened it revealing Jisung. You didn't even need to hear him say a word before opening the door wider. He followed you into your room silently.

He breathed out, “I’m sorry about what just happened. I didn't need to be like that, it was rude.”

You shook your head, sitting back down on your bed. “No Ji, I'm sorry. You were right, I’m getting carried away.” You reached out for his hand and you pulled him onto your bed. “I know I'm always being so annoying and difficult, especially nowadays—”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I’ve never asked you once how you felt about all of this and I’m sorry about that,” you continued to apologize.

He chuckled softly, at your reaction. You were being too harsh on yourself. 

You looked over at him in confusion, “Why are you laughing?” 

“Because…” He ruffled your hair slightly, giving you a soft, sad smile. “You don't get it do you?” He pulled you into his arms again, “I'd rather argue with you than laugh with anyone else.” 

Nowadays, in the middle of the night when everything was quiet and everyone was asleep he’d think about you. Even if he didn't realize it, you found your way back into his memory to the point where it made him sick to his stomach. 

He didn't want to love you in that way anymore. He couldn't breathe because of it. And it sucked because he thought he was finally forgetting that part of you. He was finally happy to just be your best friend. 

But then the memory of you came back.

It took you a few moments to be able to respond again. He always did this. He was always too nice whenever came to you. He was the most sweetest yet aggravating person you had ever met. 

“Well that’s a relief,” you sighed.

He looked down at you even though all he could see was the top of your head. There was a problem here. That problem was, he didn't know what he wanted from you. He had so many things he wanted to say but to what end, he didn't know. In fact, he didn't even know where to start. There was just a problem and it was slowly driving him insane.

So instead, he simply kept looking at you trying to put the pieces together. You broke the silence. “What?”

He hummed, shaking his head, “Nothing. I was just looking.” You raised an eyebrow at him, not falling for whatever act he was pulling. He mocked you childishly, “What?” 

“Whatever fuck off,” you playfully rolled your eyes.

He lightly chuckled to himself. 

You were different. You were different from the rest. Of course, you were his best friend but it didn't take a lot to figure out how insanely raw you were. You were real and unfiltered and unguarded. You were different because you were unafraid—unafraid to put yourself out there and show the world who you truly were. 

To him, you were original and unique and authentic. You mixed craziness with class and confidence with vulnerability. Both wild and funny—and because you were free, you were unbothered and unaffected—not caring about anyone's opinion. 

And suddenly, you gave him a whole different perspective on life again.

He was falling for something that wasn't real. Before, he had wanted it to be real. He wasn't too sure now. He remembered how he used to daydream every day of what you two could’ve been. Even though you were not his, you didn't see how happy you made him just by being you.

He thought about how he loved it when he would look over and you were already staring. He knew he was on your mind for a second, but did it mean something?

If it was meant to be, something would have happened by now. He just wanted you to want him.

When he was younger, he wondered if he was the problem. He wondered if he was good enough for you. He tried to make himself someone who would attract your attention.

He wasn't the type of guy girls usually fell in love with. And he knew that you didn't feel the way that he did, and it broke his heart knowing that you were constantly on his mind all the time regardless.

You would never think of him the way he thought of you and it killed him. And it hurt him to know you would never look at him the way he looked at you.

He was younger then, but he cried over you and you didn't even know. You would never know. He wished he could ask you what you thought of him now, after all these years.

Maybe he could still have a little hope even if Hyunjin was in the picture. 

Everything about you made him feel on top of the world, your laugh, your smile, the way you talked— it gave him butterflies every time. He kept waiting for something that was never going to happen. 

His brain was telling him, no, but his heart was telling him yes. 

“I'll do it.” 

Confusion washed over you. “Do what?” 

“Whatever you wanted me to do, I'll do it.”

He loved you not because of anything you had, but because of that feeling whenever he was near you. He always wanted to talk to you.

He’d smile every time he thought of you. He remembered how he got so shy around you when his feelings started to develop. He used to love going to school to just see you. Just seeing you made his day. He really liked you more than he’d liked himself. 

Suddenly all the mediocre love songs he made in his old small room that you were all too familiar with, were about you. In his own dreams, you both were everything he wanted it to be, like in the books you’ve read. He had a hopeless crush on you, someone he have no chance with. 

You really didn't have the slightest idea of how much he liked you.

Your eyes widened slightly before you shook your head. “No, no it’s okay Ji. What I said earlier—it was dumb. You don't have to have sex with me…”

He hushed you, “No, I want to—I mean…” he stopped himself as he heard the sudden desperation lace through his voice. “I mean, I’m down to.” He gave you a faint smile, “I really am.”

It took you a few moments before being able to look him in the eyes. You weren't being irrational, were you? The two of you had known each other for so long and unarguably enough, you knew everything about each other. 

But this? 

Growing up and seeing both the beauty and madness behind sex, you weren't too sure about how you felt about it. But when you entered college and you were surrounded by it, you realized you didn't just want meaningless hookups. If you were being completely honest, you couldn't even grasp the idea of being with anyone else besides Hyunjin. It used to feel so wrong.

But this was an entirely different story. 

This was Jisung you were talking about. The boy you knew in and out. The boy who knew exactly how to make you laugh and what to do to make you mad. He wasn't a stranger. He was you in another form. 

This shouldn't be wrong, right? You kept repeating it to yourself until you believed it.

And as you hesitantly pondered, he couldn't control his feelings anymore. He just want to tell you right then and there but he was scared. He was scared of you not ever reciprocating the feelings he had. 

What would make him happy then?

let me know your thoughts about this chapter! i’m interested to hear your opinions :) stay healthy <3

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@hyynee @keilykat @chxrry-holland​ @sikebishes @soobin-chois

[drdemonprince]

I love the name Devon! Howd you choose it

Before my name change, my middle name was Dawn. In my Midwestern accent, that name is indistinguishable from Don, and I got a real thrill out of people being surprised that I had a "man's name" for my middle name throughout my childhood. That probably led me to gravitate toward names that started with the letter D.

I was also besotted by a female cellist in my high school orchestra with the name of Devon; she was quiet and self-serious and incredibly talented in an unshowy way, and I just thought it was so damn cool that she had an androgynous, male-leaning name. I'd always found it so cool when girls had names like Ryan or Max as well.

Later, in college, I'd become close friends with a sarcastic, witty environmental studies major named Devon; we talked a lot about Sufjan Stevens music and got drunk together before a falling out between my boyfriend and his roommate kinda drove us apart. As an adult another Devin, this time with an "I" instead of an "o" became my friend through the Chicago Live Lit scene. He's a gay ex-evangelical and comic book nerd with a sweet disposition, encyclopedic knowledge of graphic novels, and a winningly boisterous laugh. So the name had only positive associations.

Around the time my transgender egg was getting cracked, I was on the tabletop role playing podcast @wheelandway. My character in the first season was a hillbilly wizard named Dale. I tried that name on for size because I liked the letter D, and I thought it suited my Appalachian background. Eventually I decided it didn't quite fit, it didn't have enough of an edge for me, but I was headed in the right direction.

I considered other, loosely similar names like Damon (yeah like Albarn, sorry), but Devon seemed the most appealing to me. It was English and kind of classy sounding to my American but British-and-Scottish-ancestried ear, and I liked that it meant "shield" and nicely matched my chosen last name, Price. I liked that it was androgynous but leaning masculine, with the majority of babies named Devon today still being male -- usually once a name becomes androgynous, it breaks in a more female direction, in terms of enduring naming trends. Devon is one of the few names to remain solidly neutral and something people will still willingly name their boy babies as well as girls.

All in all, it felt right, seemed like a name that both suited me and on that was appropriate for me to claim, it looked and sounded good with my last name, and it only evoked positive memories of other people for me. I'm so fortunate that I didn't google the name Devon Price before choosing it, because if I had, I wouldn't have become close friends with another social psychologist nearly my exact same age who has the same name and occupation as me.

I've had many names in the past and I don't view any of them as dead names or anything I feel any need to conceal from people. Part of me does experience regret over trying to distance myself from my dad and my hillbilly family by getting rid of their surname in favor of Price. At the time that I made that choice, when I was eighteen, some of it was motivated by a desire for respectability and a shame over my family's class background and how I might be perceived within academia. My current public-facing name is very friendly to being an academic and a noted public thinker, and I think it's kinda wack that I've profitted off of that. Sometimes I think if I ever attain enough notoriety that it becomes a real problem I'll switch back to my old last name to disappear into obscurity and reclaim the sides of myself that I used to run from, and the family that has largely died out.

[megsforpresident]

Tom Holland - Dinner. (smut)

Tom Holland x Fem!Reader

A/N: wrote this a while ago, didn't think I would post it. not my best work but could be worse.

TW: 18+, p in v, foreplay, fingering, i dont know more tbh but this is supposed to be very vanilla.

You worked at a small diner around London. It was a small job at night so you could pay for college and your apartment. It was a bit away from the city centre but you didn't mind. It helped you to clear your head from all the business from the big city. 

Usually you had the night shift, meaning you would start at 6pm and finish around 1am, because you stayed late to help the others clean everything, but today was a Friday, your classes finished at noon and your friend who worked there got sick and asked you to cover up for her. 

So today you were supposed to work from 1pm to 2am. It was tiring but you liked what you did and the people were always so nice to you. Most of them you already knew, they were usually there everyday. 

"More coffee Carl?" You asked one of your usual customers and he nodded. 

While you were making coffee, the door opened. Usually you would show people to their table and give them the menu but you were busy.

"I'll be right there." You said loudly, finishing the process of the coffee maker. You walked fast to the entrance of the dinner, cleaning your hands and going to the cashier, who was on his break, to get a couple of menus. "Hi, welcome to Luke's. Please follow me." You asked, going to a table. The young man with a hood sat at the table and you handed him a menu."I'm Y/n and I'm going to be your waitress tonight." 

You told the young man, and he looked at you for the first time. You recognised him immediately, either for him being Tom Holland, spider-man, or for him being Tom Holland, your first friend, your first crush and your first boyfriend. 

You and Tom hadn't seen each other for about 4 years. You spoke to each other a lot on the phone for the first year he was away but eventually you both stopped. College was keeping you really busy and he was doing so great with his career. 

He was living his dream and usually you kept track of his work feeling proud of him. When you were children, Tom decided he wanted to be an actor and you decided that you wanted to be a writer, a screenwriter and that's what you were majoring in, a English major with a specific focus for screenwriting. 

"Oh my God. Y/n!" Tom said excited, getting up hugging you. You obviously hugged him back, missing one of the most important people in your life. "I haven't seen you in years!" 

"I missed you Tom!" You said in his ear, breathing him in. 

"I missed you too." He said septing back to look at you. Before you could say anything else Carl called you. 

"I'll be right back. Choose what you want." You left Tom to see the menu and went to the coffee maker to serve Carl his coffee. 

"Who's the guy?" The man, in his 20-ish something asked as you took his coffee. 

"An old friend." You smiled. "Hey isn't Elijah coming tonight?" Elijah was Carl's old uncle, you loved the man, he was always so nice to you and their relationship made your night. 

"He didn't want to come tonight. I start to think you like him more than you like me." He joked, and you kissed his cheek passing by. 

"Don't think like that Carl!" You laughed back, moving to one of the tables, getting the dishes out and collecting the tips. 

"Hey Luke." you called your boss putting the dishes on the window. "Can I take that break now?" He nodded and you moved to Tom, sitting with him. You had a burger in hand, already knowing that would be Tom's order. 

"Hey how did you know?" He asked, smiling. 

"You haven't changed Holland." You smiled while taking one of his fries. "Anyway, what should we expect for the next avenger movie? Because I have an interesting theory." 

Tom laughed, not surprised that you had seen his movies. You ended up catching up a bit, before you had to go back. 

The diner started to get a bit busy and you had no hands to keep track of all the orders, so Luke had to leave the kitchen leaving Mark there alone for a bit. 

It was almost closing time and Tom was still there. 

"Go on y/n, you worked harder than we did today. Go home. Take the sad puppy with you." Luke said, pointing to Tom, who has a tired expression on his face. 

"No, I can stay and help." You offered, but Luke wasn't going to take no for an answer. He always thought you worked too hard. "Fine, fine. Thank you. I'll see you guys tomorrow." You kissed both on the cheek, in a friendly way and left to see Tom. "What are you still doing here Hollywood?" 

"Oh c'mon we still have a lot of catching up to do!" He said excitedly, getting up. "Let me walk you home." 

"Fine, let's go." You smiled and he walked you home. 

You did keep talking all the way to your apartment, and you invited Tom in. At the moment it was 3 in the morning and you were eating the rest of the Chinese you had ordered for lunch. 

In a moment, you were laughing and Tom just stayed looking at you. You had taken your hair out of it's braid and your make up was all over your face but, you smiling was the most beautiful thing he had seen. 

"Why are you looking at me like that?" You asked, putting the empty box on the coffee table and so did Tom. "Lad if I have something on my face you should've told me." You smiled nervously and Tom smiled a bit. 

He reached to your face, looking deep into your eyes and man did you want to kiss him. Your eyes fell from his to his lips and you reached your hands to the back of his neck, pulling him to you. 

Your lips moved in a perfect sink, like nothing had changed. You always loved Tom, even with the boyfriends you had after him, it was always him. And the same happened to Tom, he always loved you. 

It was quick until the innocent kiss turned into a hot make out session. You were on his lap, your skirt pulled up so his hands could run through your ass and thighs freely. You rocked your hips, by accident, when Tom squeezed one of your ass cheeks and he groaned into the kiss.

You kept the action going, feeling him harder and harder under you making you wetter and wetter. 

"If you don't stop that, I won't be able to stop." He said in your ear as a groan, as you kissed his neck. 

"I don't want you to stop Tom." You said in his, in the most innocent way, driving him crazy. 

He picked you up, making you scream a bit from surprise, taking you to your bedroom. He put you in bed carefully, getting on top of you after taking his shirt off. Then you saw that his muscles were very well defined and he looked so hot with his hair a bit messy, lips red from the kissing and the look of lust in his eyes. 

Tom kissed your neck, biting and sucking everywhere he wanted to, leaving his mark, slowly opening your uniform with the front zipper. You helped him take it off, leaving you only in your matching black lace underwear. 

He looked you up and down, feeling his cock harden against his jeans. His lips were quick to pass to your chest, taking the opportunity of you arching your back to take your bra off. All of his attention went to your nipples, making them hard, leaving his mark around them and you couldn't help but moan. 

Your moans were his favourite sound from now on, and there was no way he would get tired of hearing them. He moved again, kissing your stomach, making his way down. 

The anticipation was the worst, the teasing, and he was really trying to push you to the limit. You lift your hips and your legs to help him take the last piece of clothing in your body. 

Tom started to kiss your inner thighs, gently, in an intimate way, making you even more turned on. Eventually he reached your center, passing his tongue through the folds, smirking at how wet you were. 

He nibbled at your clit, making you moan as one of his long fingers pumped inside you. Your hands went to Tom's hair, pulling a bit, loving the feeling of him groaning against you. 

"Uhn… Tom… that feels so good." You said as a moan when he had 3 of his fingers inside of you. 

As soon as you started to move more, he pulled away from you, licking his fingers and you groaned from the lack of contact. 

"I'm not done with you yet baby." He said, eye to eyes with you, and you felt attracted to this 'bossy' side of him. 

You helped him undo his belt and pull his pants down, along with his boxers. He was way bigger than you had seen last time or had imagined the past few years, he laughed a bit at your reaction but quickly recovered when you closed your fist around his penis. 

Attaching your mouth to the tip, Tom groaned and you smiled to yourself. It wasn't long before you were gagging on him, feeling his cock ready to come, but he moved your head away, climbing on top of you again. 

"I want to cum inside you baby, not in that pretty mouth of yours."  He groaned in your ear, before you felt his tip at your entrance. He looked at you to be sure you wanted the same. 

"Please Tom, I can't take it anymore." You whined, feeling too turned on to be waiting, and he respected your request, getting all inside of you in one go. 

You moan feeling a bit of pain but the good kind of pain. Tom stayed still, waiting for you to let him move. You nod and he pulls his hips back, only leaving the head in you before slimming back in. 

Your room was filled with moans, groans and swears coming from the both of you. Tom was in and out, all the way in, all the way to the tip fast and rhythmic, making you feel like you were in heaven. 

"You want to cum baby?" He asked in your ear. "Cum for me, be a good girl will you?" you nodded immediately, and his hand attached to your clit making you moan loudly. 

You were over the edge, you could feel your walls clenching around him and he moaned loudly. One or two more trusts and you were cuming with a loud moan and pulling at Tom's back. He came inside of you while you were in your high, making it so much more intense. 

Tom pulled out, kissing you sweetly before picking you up again. He found the bathroom, sitting you on the counter and started a shower. 

He took care of you, washing every inch of your body, along with his before going to get you some clothes, a pair of your underwear and his t-shirt, as he appeared in jeans. 

"Tom.." You called as he was about to leave your room, thinking you were asleep. "Stay with me?" He could never say no to your puppy eyes. 

He took his jeans and shoes off, laying in bed next to you and your head found its way to his chest as you cuddled to him. You were fast asleep, feeling satisfied and safe, happy that Tom was here. 

"I love you y/n." Was the last thing you heard, with a kiss on the head before feeling Tom get into a comfortable position to sleep in. 

[isfjmel-phleg]

When my brother was going to college and people would ask what he was studying, he'd tell them he was majoring in Chemical Engineering at [Fancy Science School], and we never met a single person who was not Deeply Impressed.

When I told people that I was majoring in English, I would get crestfallen faces or "...oh" or "do you want to...teach?" or general assumptions that I would never get a job. One guy from our old church, who didn't even really know me, responded to my admitting that I wanted to work in a library by making a disparaging comment about libraries as inherently promoters of books he disapproved of. He then proceeded to go hunting for a more acceptable alternate job for me--something government-related and only vaguely library-adjacent? and "you get to carry a gun!"--and gave me the listing, telling me to "think outside the library." No idea why it mattered so much to him.

My youngest sister is getting her degree in 3-D Animation. I think that's awesome, and I'm very proud of her for finding and pursuing something that is suited to her skills and interests. But apparently the general public thinks it's their right to inform her that she doesn't know how to choose her own path in life. She's been told to go into nursing/medicine instead because that's where you make lots of money. Male ride-share drivers making small talk with her have lectured her extensively on how she'll never get a job or even that her field is going to be irrelevant because "we have A I to do that now."

My mom also tells stories of how people disapproved of her choice to major in Elementary Education. No jobs! Not enough money! (...comes in pretty handy when you're homeschooling your four children, though!)

And...is it anyone's business to tell someone what to do with their life, especially if it's someone you hardly know? Should Making The Most Money really be the deciding factor in what one chooses to do? What shame is there in doing something that fits your skills and provides you enough for what you need even if it doesn't make you rich? If we all went into the same fields, it would be a very imbalanced world. We need people to do lots of different things. What exactly do these people hope to accomplish by asking young adults what they plan to do and then immediately tearing them down if their answer doesn't fit some arbitrary standard? It costs zero dollars to be encouraging, to ask them interested questions about their field, to wish them well.

But no, somehow it makes guys feel better about themselves while driving an already anxious and self-doubting young woman to class to pick apart her life choices, I guess.

[fondueforme]

MEET BRITTANY SUSAN PIERCE!!

AUDITIONING WITH THE SONG: FINE LINE BY KESHA

There's a fine line between genius and crazy. There's a fine line between broken and breaking. Spent my whole life tryna to change what they're saying about me, sick of walking that fine line.

BIOGRAPHY & HEADCANONS

wait, is that BRITTANY SUSAN PIERCE they kinda look a lot like BRIGETTE LUNDY-PAINE, don’t they? i heard the TWENTY-TWO year old is known as the AIRHEAD EXTRAORDINAIRE around mckinley. it seems like they auditioned to be in NEW DIRECTIONS which is so lame? people at campus have said they’re HONEST, but don’t be fooled since they’re also IMPULSIVE. rumor has it, you can find them at CHEERIO PRACTICE, DANCE/BALLET, THE MUCKRACKER, GAY/STRAIGHT ALLIANCE, AND MATHLETES when they aren’t belting show tunes. their entire vibe revolves around THE SMELL OF BURNT FONDUE OVER HOT GOSS, DANCING THROUGH THE SEWER SYSTEMS AT NIGHT, AND CHEERING FOR THE UNDERDOG IN A SHORT SKIRT but no one pays attention to that here in ohio.

LIST ABOUT 3+ HEADCANONS ABOUT YOUR CHOSEN CHARACTER!

Brittany, like Brett and Puck, is a super senior. They failed their senior year with a remarkable 0.0 GPA, but they completely turned it around their second year. They even got an early admission to MIT, but it only took Brittany a month or two to miss home and all their friends. They didn't want to be math genius, instead choosing to go back to Lima and go to McKinley Arts to pursue other ventures.

Brittany is openly bisexual and nonbinary. They knew from a young age that they liked more than one gender, but it took another year of high school and soul searching to realize that just like with their sexuality, their gender cannot be defined within the margins of the gender binary. They've had their fair share of hookups and trysts with a whole lot of different people. They've never been ashamed of it and who they are. To help pay for college, they occasionally do a video or two with Sam, the other blonde letting them keep all the earnings from said films.

Brittany has a pretty successful YouTube channel called Fondue for Two that they started in high school. They invite guests from their life to interview them over fondue and whatever else they have lying around.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME ON 'FONDUE FOR TWO' AND JUDGE MY CAT?

BASICS OF BRITT:

FULL NAME: brittany susan pierce. PRONOUNS: prefers they/them, but any pronouns are fine. (unless you misgender them purposefully/or misgender her sister and they will destroy you) GENDER: nonbinary. NICKNAMES: b, britt, britt-britt, brittany s-pierce. HOMETOWN: lima, ohio. BIRTHDAY (ZODIAC) & AGE: march 14th. (PISCES.) / twenty-two years old. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single, has kissed more than 80% of the student body. SEXUALITY: bisexual. RELIGION: christian. OCCUPATION: student at mckinley arts college, runs a youtube show called ‘Fondue For Two’. RESIDENCE: small apartment off campus. SPORTS/CLUBS: Cheerios, dance, the muckracker, gay/straight alliance, mathletes. GLEE CLUB: new directions. LANGUAGES: english, secret language they made up in middle school, ASL. MAJOR: journalism. MINOR: media communication.

PHYSICAL:

FACECLAIM: brigette lundy-paine. HEIGHT: 5'9". BUILD: fit. EYES: brown. HAIR:  brown, will occasionally bleach in summer to put fun colors in. PIERCINGS: they have their ears pierced, three on each lobe and then a helix on their left and an industrial on their right, they also have their belly button, nipples, and tongue pierced. TATTOOS: they have a rainbow with clouds on their right inner wrist and a small ufo on their shoulder blade. (lord t has been making tattoo appointments for her to get a portrait of himself done and brittany keeps canceling them because she’s afraid it’s bad luck.) OTHER DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: none. SCARS: a few from sewer misadventures. ALLERGIES: none. STYLE: carefree and fun, loves bright and bold patterns as well as simple ones when they’re feeling overwhelmed. loves hats and beanies.

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS: if brittany thinks you're hot, they will absolutely hit on you and be down to hook up. FORMER FLINGS: one night stands or situationships welcome !! can be friends now or not. JUST FRIENDS: brittany needs pals !! INTERVIEWEES: britt also needs people to interview !! and to be on their show. STUDY BUDDY OR TUTOR: britt can help you with math if you help them with their writing courses. RIVAL: jacob ben israel is basically their archnemesis.  EXES: can be on good or bad terms !! ROOMMATE: lets goooo.

AND HERE'S MORE ON OUR FAVORITE AIRHEAD EXTRAORDINAIRE THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO ADD ON THIS ALREADY LONG POST.

[addictedtostorytelling]

This is a silly question, but how do you think GSR approach their (hypothetical) childrens' education? My friends and I used to joke that the fact that Sara doesn't drop that she went to Harvard multiple times per episode means that she didn't fully drink the koolaid!

hi, anon!

so speaking very broadly, i think education is something grissom and sara consider important.

after all, they both value knowledge and its pursuit very highly and are both themselves educated, with multiple degrees between them.

that so, i believe they would most likely encourage any hypothetical child or children of theirs to take learning seriously and (with few exceptions) pursue higher education.

that said, i think a lot of the particulars on how they’d educate their kid(s) would probably be dependent on situational variables.

—which means i ultimately have more questions than answers in regards to this topic.

if you're willing to hang with me for a good, ol' fashioned ramble, i've got one after the "keeping reading," if you're interested.

__

to start off, just the “when and where?” of it all probably would make a big difference in grissom and sara’s choices.

for example, if they have and/or adopt said hypothetical kid(s) while they’re living in vegas and both still working at the crime lab, then they’d have to choose between sending said kid(s) to public school or private school or homeschooling them.

honestly, the las vegas public school system is one of the worst in the nation and has been for a very long time (stretching all the way back to when grissom and sara might have hypothetically first been welcoming their kid[s] into their family, circa 2005 or 2006).

knowing how bad the public schools are in sin city, they might opt not to send their kid(s) there. however, if they’re both still working the night shift at the lab, homeschooling likely wouldn’t be on the table as a choice for them (just given their hours), meaning they’d probably have to find a private school. but the vast majority of private schools in the us are religiously-affiliated, and they’re not religious. so just looking at secular private schools or charters, their options would fairly limited (particularly in the early 2000s, before the “alternative school” boom).

maybe they might choose a more stem-focused charter school. however, they also both love and value the humanities, so they also might not want to bar their kid(s) from getting a more rounded/liberal education, especially early in their development.

could they afford a pricey private institution, like the fictional butterfield academy where catherine eventually sends lindsey (see episode 05x19 “4 x 4”)?

catherine can only really afford that tuition with help from her casino mogul father, and grissom and sara aren’t in sam braun’s same income tax bracket by any means, so if they couldn’t find a school they ultimately liked and/or could afford, what would they do? would they go as far as to move—perhaps even out of state—in order to obtain better educational opportunities for their kid(s)? go a more nontraditional route, like enrolling their kid(s) in online coursework or hiring a private tutor?

of course, their whole situation and set of choices might be very different if their kid(s) were born and/or adopted and reached school-age while they were living abroad in costa rica or paris.

would they, living as expats, choose to enroll their kid(s) in their nation of residence’s school system—so, for example, in france, the école élémentaire—and have them educated in the local language, or would they seek out an international school where the kid(s) would be taught primarily in english and on a more “americanized” system?

once the kid(s) were older, would they encourage them to take ib courses? have them apply for college in the country where they’d been raised/educated or return “home” to the states to attend an american university?, etc.

if they became parents during the “sara lives in vegas while grissom lives abroad” period of canonical s10-s13, how might they go about things then?

i'm fairly certain the second they realized sara was pregnant and/or had the inclination to adopt, they’d pretty much immediately quit the whole “living on separate continents” bullshit and choose to settle all in one place as a family.

but what place—in the states or abroad?

might the educational options of both nations play a role in where they ultimately decided to live?

for example, france has one of the best education systems in the world.

and in the odd event that they had an “oops” kid or kids while they were living aboard the ishmael—a scenario i consider somewhat unlikely, just given sara’s age by that point—what might they do then?

in all honesty, i can’t really see them deciding to keep their kid(s) full-time on the boat because they’re not assholes like this girl’s parents were just due to the sheer difficulty of trying to educate a child or children while living a nomadic lifestyle on the open ocean. i think the second their child(ren) reached school-age, they’d realize their year-round seafaring days were over, at least for the time being, and would choose to settle down somewhere on land, perhaps only spending summers on the boat (treating it like a floating science summer camp for their kid[s], a la the voyage of the mimi).    

but who knows?

maybe i'm wrong and they’d just choose to homeschool their kid(s) while continuing to sail and conduct their research.

after all, they are both—as polymath geniuses with multiple graduate degrees between them—qualified to teach.

of course, even outside of the issue of where they'd be living at the time when their kid(s) began school, there are other factors which might influence their decisions.

one factor that might affect their decision-making would be the number of children they ultimately had and what the spacing between the kids were like if they had more than one.

for example, it's easier to homeschool two kids who are close in age than it is to homeschool two kids who are close in age and then the "oops" baby of the family who is eight years younger than everybody else; it's more feasible to pay for one kid to attend a pricey private school than to pay for two kids to do so; though moving to a new state for the sake of better public schools might not be something you'd consider with just one kid, doing so when you have four kids (and you can't afford private school for all of them) could be an imperative; if one of your kids requires special ed. services that aren't offered in your public school district of residence, you might choose to send all of your kids to a charter school where such services are available, just to keep them all together; etc.

another—related—factor would be finances.

obviously, kids cost money, and the more kids you have, the more money they cost.

even just having one kid can be spendy.

that so, not only might their financial situation affect what kinds of schooling they chose for their kid(s) when they were young, but it might also come to bear when their kid(s) reached college-age.

depending on when said kid(s) were born and/or adopted, they might end up graduating high school either circa or after the point when grissom was retired, at which time their family might be down to sara’s single income, supplemented by grissom’s savings/social security payments.

while i have no doubt but that grissom and sara would likely have opened a college fund for their kid(s) the moment they realized sara was pregnant and/or they started considering adoption, given that college costs have risen exponentially over the course of the last two decades and are still continuing to rise, they still might not be able to fully foot that bill, particularly if they ended up having multiple kids and/or their kid(s) intended to attend pricier schools (like, say, harvard).

it's worth noting: we don’t know almost anything about grissom and sara’s financial situation in show canon. my impression is that while they’re both still living in vegas and even when they’re doing the “split-living situation” thing between s10 and s13, by early to mid-2000s standards, they’re more or less middle-class (perhaps on the upper end of that tier, considering they are, in canon, dinks); however, it’s harder to gauge where they’re at during their ishmael days. are they living on grant money? savings? investments? inheritance from betty? do they have any kind of regular income?

of course, if the kid(s) took after mom and dad, they might earn full-ride scholarships to any university of their choosing.

but that’s another thing:

even though there is a fairly good likelihood that, given grissom and sara’s genes, any biological kid(s) of theirs would be “academically inclined,” perhaps even to the genius level, we can’t necessarily assume that such would be the case.

for one thing, if the kid(s) were adopted, they might have different educational aptitudes than grissom and sara.

for another, even if the kid(s) were biological, they still might not necessarily inherit grissom and sara’s bookishness.

in either case, there might be learning disabilities involved or possible mental health issues.

that so, it’s not just a matter of course that any kid(s) grissom and sara were to have would earn scholarships to college, full-ride or otherwise; grissom and sara might end up having to pay out of pocket for their kid(s) to pursue a higher education.

their kid(s) also might not ultimately pursue higher education at all, either due to disinterest or due to academic ineligibility.

honestly, it would be really interesting to see how grissom and sara would respond to having a kid or kids who weren’t as academically inclined as they are.

how might they deal with a report card filled with c+ and b- (or even lower) grades? with a child who hated to read or had trouble with math? with a soon-to-be-high-school graduate whose gpa qualified them for community college only? with a son or a daughter who came to them and said, “mom, dad, i don’t think i want to go to attend any kind of university at all”?

while i have supreme trust in their ability to love the kid(s) they have as they are and to eventually adjust their expectations and support their kid(s) down whatever life path they ultimately ended up following, i also think it might initially be difficult for them to wrap their heads around having a kid or kids who just weren’t as schoolish as they are.

learning and education are so important to them and are central to their identities; they might find it difficult to even conceptualize what kind of life their child(ren) would have taking an alternative route.

in any case, if they had a kid or kids who didn’t qualify for scholarships but still planned to attend college, it might pose their family some financial difficulty, especially if grissom were already retired by that point.

unless we assume they had an accidental love baby during the san francisco days (between 1998 and 2000)—again, a scenario i consider to be fairly unlikely—then most probably any children they had biologically and/or adopted would be born and/or join their household between 2005 at the earliest and around 2020 at the latest, meaning they would reach college-age sometime between 2023 and 2038. meanwhile, grissom would reach retirement age circa 2023.

of course, just like it may be true that grissom and sara’s children might not follow in their academic footsteps, it also could be the case that, conversely, they would follow in them.

both grissom and sara graduated high school early—grissom at age fifteen, sara at age sixteen—and attended university while still minors.

it's possible their kids could do the same, in which case our timeline might move up a bit.

in the event their kid(s) were admitted early to university, then a scholarship of some kind would most likely be on the table.

it might therefore be possible for them to not only send multiple kids to college—if they had them—but to also send them to really good schools.

so how would they approach the issue of school choice?

sara attended harvard for her undergrad and uc berkeley for her master’s degree (and possibly an unfinished phd). meanwhile, grissom—most likely—attended ucla for undergrad and uc davis for his phd.

by the way, i know this post isn’t really the place for it, but i want to mention: back in the day, fans commonly used to believe that grissom had attended the university of chicago for his phd, citing what seemed to be a diploma on his office wall from that institution as proof. however, upon close inspection of the document, one can see that it is an honorary certificate from the society of vector ecology, a real-life professional organization for persons who study “nuisance organisms and disease vectors” (including insects), and is not actually a degree of any kind.

perhaps somewhat unrealistically, neither one of them ever talks much about their educational backgrounds on the show, so we really don’t really have a feel for how they regard their respective alma maters. do they have any school spirit or (as you suspect, in sara’s case) are they perhaps more lukewarm concerning those particular ties?

without knowing, we can only conjecture: would they insist that their kid(s) “follow in their footsteps” and attend the same schools where they are themselves alumni? if so, which school(s) would they insist upon? would mom or dad’s affiliations win out?

it is worth noting being a “legacy student” does often help with admissions, particularly at ivy league schools. for example, every year, about 30% of harvard admits are legacy students.

alternatively, would they be open to their kid(s) attending schools they hadn’t attended themselves or perhaps even encourage them to do so? if so, would they have any expectations regarding what types of schools were on the table—for example, “you have to pick an ivy league university” or “no state schools” or “anywhere but yale”?

what if, by this time, grissom had retired from criminalistics and had taken a teaching job somewhere?

in canon, grissom teaches at both williams college in massachusetts and the sorbonne in france.

what if he were on faculty at one of those schools when his and sara’s kid(s) came of college-age or else was teaching at some other university then?

tenured faculty members often receive discounted or even free tuition for their children at the institutions where they teach.

were they afforded such a benefit, would grissom and sara make their kid(s) attend the same school where grissom were teaching, just as a matter of cutting educational costs?

what about a school where uncle greg were located (as it is suggested in the reboot that he is pursuing a phd in chicago with the intention to someday become a professor)?

if their kid(s) did qualify for scholarships—meaning cost were not an issue—might location factor into the decision-making process?

as an undergrad, sara attended a school literally on the other side of the country from where she’d grown up (probably at least somewhat by design).

however, grissom stuck relatively close to home.

if he indeed matriculated at ucla, then he went to school about 12 miles away from his hometown of marina del rey.

would grissom and sara give their kid(s) free rein to attend school anywhere in the country or perhaps even internationally, or would they want them to stick closer to home (wherever "home" happened to be)?

what about the issue of picking majors once their kid(s) were enrolled?

again, though one might easily assume that any biological child of grissom and sara’s would likely be science-minded like them, they might end up having a kid or kids (either adopted or biological) who were more into the humanities.

would they be cool with their child(ren) declaring a photography major or ending up with an mfa in art history? they both themselves enjoy the arts and culture and are very literary. however, the “family business” is science. so would they try to shepherd their kid(s) in that direction? or would they give them the choice to follow whatever their own academic bliss were?

anyway, all of the above rambling is to say that i don’t think there is necessarily a “one-size fits all” answer to your question.

the way grissom and sara approached how they educated their kid(s) would likely depend on myriad factors; they might choose to go in one direction in scenario a and to go in another direction in scenario b, you know?

like i said up top, i do think their instinct would always be to encourage their kid(s) to seek as much education as possible.

both grissom and sara are excellent teachers and constantly ply each other with trivia and fun facts. their “family culture” even as a childless couple in canon is one that is built around the pursuit and exchange of knowledge. even just the way their condo is set up in s8 shows their extensive curiosity for the world.

that so, i imagine theirs would be a household where they would constantly be reading to their kid(s) and having their kid(s) read back to them once they were old enough, where they’d have science experiments spread out across the countertops and art projects displayed proudly on the fridge, where weekend outings would frequently be to museums and historical sites and national parks, where they’d max out on the library book check-out limit each week, where there’d be art supplies and modeling kits and alphabet blocks and magnetic numbers strewn across the playroom floor, where solving riddles would be a favored dinnertime activity, where stumping dad with a “did you know—?” question or beating mom on a mental math problem would be a badge of honor, where inventing a secret cypher for writing notes or solving a massive jigsaw puzzle would frequently be the pursuit of an afternoon, etc., etc., etc.

grissom and sara would probably be very involved with their kid’s or kids’ k-12 schooling, helping them out with homework and science fair projects, going in for parent-teacher meetings, attending extracurricular activities, and just generally being incredibly “hands on” regarding their academic progress.

if there were a class or subject area their kid(s) struggled with, they would probably try tutoring (either with themselves acting as the tutors or else someone they hired).

they would probably also very much encourage independent learning, outside of the school curriculum.

they would likely assume, unless something forced them to consider otherwise, that a college education for their child(ren) were an eventuality—not an "if" but rather a "when."

if it turned out that their kid(s) were not interested or able to pursue higher education, they’d have to shift that paradigm.

and in a such a case, i suspect they’d very much want their kid[s] to develop some kind of skill or learn a trade, if possible.

however, otherwise, i think they’d do everything in their power to give their kid(s) an opportunity to pursue higher education.

in scenarios where their kid(s) were interested in and qualified for higher education, grissom and sara would probably want them to attend the best universities open to them. however, i think they could also be prevailed upon to accept their kid(s) going to less prestigious institutions if it turned out that said institutions somehow suited them better (particularly since i believe that while sara enjoyed harvard immensely academically, she also likely struggled there socially, so she probably understands that a top school doesn’t necessary equal best fit).

if their kid(s) wanted to go to a school that were closer to home, say, or one where they felt a better cultural fit—even if it weren’t on the forbes top 25 list—they would likely be supportive.

they might likewise consider having their kid(s) attend a school where grissom were teaching, particularly if doing so represented the best financial option for their family.

they would also likely be thrilled if their kid(s) eventually went on to graduate school, though i don’t think they’d expect or require them to.

honestly, for as science-minded as they both are, i think they’d be supremely chill about their kid(s) studying subjects other than science. while of course they’d be overjoyed to have another scientist in the family, i think they could be equally as excited about their kid(s) pursuing a degree in history or art or a language.

considering betty’s background as an art dealer, it might make grandma very happy if her grandkid ended up pursuing an art degree, too.

i believe they also could be supportive of their kid(s) going in an entirely different direction like engineering or computer science or veterinary medicine or physical therapy or what have you.

i suspect grissom and sara would do as much as they could to support their kid’s or kids’ education financially.

like i said, i think the second they got back a positive pregnancy test or were approved for an adoption, they’d start putting money away into a college fund.

if their kid(s) went on to secure scholarships, then that money could end up as a gift and/or nest egg.

however, depending on circumstances, the money might not be enough to cover an entire college education (and particularly not if they had multiple kids), in which case, either they or their kid(s) might have to take out some loans.

honestly, i think they’d try as much as possible to avoid having their kid(s) take on too much student loan debt themselves (and especially since sara likely knows from experience what it is like to be in that situation, having no financial support from parents).

grissom might end up working past retirement age in order to avoid that outcome.

regardless of where their kid(s) attended school, i have no doubt but grissom and sara would be proud af of them when they graduated—even if it were ultimately from a trade program or a two-year school.

ultimately, i think the main thing they’d want for their kid(s) even beyond any particular degree or educational accolades would just be for them to always want to keep learning, no matter the field or format, you know?

of course, i have some pretty specific plans for grissom and sara’s educational choices as parents in the accidentsverse, but those count as #spoilers, so.

anyway.

enough broad rambling from me!

thanks for question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[sekritjay]

Doing the pre-nervous breakdown reply system because I want others to opine as well. When did xkit break btw?

@mystery-moose - I am absolutely no expert but I can tell you that I looked seriously for a while at Dalhousie University in Halifax, Nova Scotia! Having lived in that city for about six months I found it thoroughly pleasant, and it’s a few hundred thousand people total so it’s not quite as big a culture shock if you’re going from a more rural or less dense area. Decent food too.

Halifax looks like a very relaxed city but I checked out the Dalhousie website and I don't qualify for any of their course offerings. Like, none of them - perils of doing pol-sci I guess. The closest would be management but I don't have a maths A-level. It's also not clear what their policies are towards mature international students. Thanks for the suggestion though man! There are are other universities in and around Halifax that do offer polsci courses so I'll take a look at those. I'm really curious as to what the programme courses would imply about what you studied though Moose

@tarysande - A few things to keep in mind: Canada’s going through a housing shortage crisis and this has hit university students particularly hard. So, you have to think about housing EARLY. Vancouver and Toronto are unfuckingbelievably expensive. That said, they’re the major centers of media in this country. Canadian university programs are pretty much always four years. Montreal is cool and does have an English university (McGill), but the city is very bilingual.

You might also want to look into schools that offer specific training related to media studies. My husband teaches at BCIT—I know they do quite a lot of media stuff and, as a school, they’re MUCH more job-focused than universities typically are. Douglas College is another one. Pro: this class of school is much more likely to do shorter programs (1-3 year certificates).

Also, if I remember correctly, deadlines for applications are like … now until February, depending on the school, so you’d need to start submitting asap

Vancouver/Toronto I'd be surprised if they weren't expensive but I'll be honest I have the country mouse's terror of moving to a large city so I'd like to avoid that if I can. I do drive though so that might make things easier. Maybe

My first instinct is to find out if my university credits are transferrable and which places in Canada will accept them. That'll dictate what I eventually choose to do but I do know that if I get a study permit it also includes the right to work up to 20 hours a week, mitigating the costs somewhat. There must be employers who will happily take on a guy with 10 years catering management right?

If the worst happens and I have to do a brand new three year course that'll be painful but... well, it would mean that more options would open to me. I might find something I didn't know I would enjoy doing. God, I've not been a student for ten years though and I'm afraid of crashing out again. Even just talking about it here online is kinda nauseating

[mzashleypie]

Hey! I read your college advice post and noticed that you graduated from UT Austin, which has been my dream school since I can remember. I’m about to be a senior and I was hoping if you could give some tips on how to write a good college essay for UT?

Hey! This is going to get rambly so I apologize now lol.

-------

First things first, I was ranked 11 in a class of 600 and therefore in the top 7 and 10 percent of my class and was automatically accepted to UT. From what I've heard, they quite literally might've put my application in an accepted pile without reading any of my essays or extracurriculars.

Next, I was a very dreamy high schooler and wanted to go to the Ivy League and become some CDC researcher developing vaccines (this is a way more insane thing to say in 2022 than it was in 2014), but what did I choose to write about in my essay? The school library. I was called my library's mascot. I got to school every morning 2 hours before class to do homework and wait for the library to open. I worked in our "bistro" which was a stockroom where we sold coffee and did homework while I hung out with my friends. I had a stack of mugs and repaired my textbooks in the workroom. My librarian was like a second mother. I was in book club and anime club in the afternoons and decorated with the students for the holidays. I wrote the coziest vignette of community and home that I knew.

At the time, I didn't know that this is exactly what I was looking for in college. I wanted to be surrounded by people I didn't necessarily call friends, but just people who knew what it was like to be one of those in-between kids who didn't do sports, or band, or theatre, but loved to be consumed by stories. I applied to UT as a Biology major with a focus in microbiology and was accepted. I would graduate UT 4 years later as an English major with a certificate in Creative Writing with a focus in Poetry, but I feel like that conclusion would probably make much more sense than biology to anyone who read my essay.

I hope you write with passion and honesty on whatever your topic is and get in with the major you want!

And if you don't trust me, my fave May Gao does essay reviewing cheap or free for less advantaged students: https://www.collabadvising.com/essays

Going to add more about UT below, I swear I loved it, there's just a lot wrong with the way most schools work and I don't want you going in completely blind.

NOTES ON UT

Freshman classes are designed to weed people out of in-demand majors (CRUEL!!! but I was told this on multiple occasions faculty). Intro classes are notoriously difficult for calculus, biology, chemistry, and organic chemistry. You will probably fail your first test. It's okay (my roommate was our high school valedictorian and failed our first chem test and cried all night). I got back to back 32, 33, and 76 on chem tests and barely passed with a D. I survived. Fun Fact: former VP of the school got exclusively Cs in his intro classes.

Pick the major you want the most BUT if you are unsure or may want to double major, choose the major that is the most selective. This includes Comp Sci, any of the communications school, the business school, and engineering. These majors are extremely hard to once you are in and attempt to do an internal transfer. When I was trying to transfer into Moody for film, they told me they only accept 1 internal transfer A YEAR.

This school is a class divide. Coming from a working-class Hispanic family and from a not great public high school, I was absolutely broken by the amount of people with summer houses, no debt, loans, or work-study, who studied abroad multiple semesters, went out every night or even every weekend. If you are not White, Indian, or Asian, you will have to be active to find your people. There are tons of culture groups and clubs, but it's jarring when most of your classes are homogenous just because of who actually gets into UT.

Best of luck and feel free to message me here, twitter, or instagram if you have any other questions!

[burnmywholelifedown]

Hi it’s your Santa Swiftie here!!! I’m so excited to get to make you something for the holiday season, but first, I need some info/get to know you better!

Do you have any hobbies? What do you like to do on your free time?

Do you have a favorite word?

What's your top 5 Taylor Swift albums?

Favorite Taylor swift mv? Favorite photoshoot?

Pick 13 Taylor songs you like!

What kind of music you like besides Taylor?

If you had to pick 5 songs to describe yourself which ones would you choose?

Who were your most listened artists on Spotify?

I know this is a lot lol, so take your time to answer it all! I hope you have a great week and a lovely December! 🎄🧑🏻‍🎄🎁❄️🎅🏻

hey there!! I'm so excited 😊 Thank you so much for your patience while I was getting over my illness! My blog runs on a queue but I don't use a queue tag so I'm sure that didn't help your concern that messages weren't going through. I'm finally feeling better and able to answer all your questions. One thing you should know about me is that I don't pick favorites so you're going to get some lists lol.

Do you have any hobbies? What do you like to do on your free time?

I do have hobbies! Like many Taylor fans I love to write songs. It's such a fun creative outlet. I also am an avid reader. I read a lot of classics back in the day (and almost became an English major) but after college I've been reading more romance and fantasy books. I haven't been brave enough to venture into Brandon Sanderson territory but we'll get there. I needed to give my brain a bit of a break after all the reading for school.

Do you have a favorite word?

Oh my gosh thank you for this! A word I have loved since middle school is ephemeral. I think it just sounds so soft almost like it's fading away. And it's about such an angsty concept. For my Latin class we wrote a tradgedy called Ephemora. It was the most fun thing ever.

What's your top 5 Taylor Swift albums?

Mkay this question is so unbelievably rude. Right after Midnights came out?? How the heck am I supposed to rank albums at a time like this??? For you I shall do my best:

In no particular order - folkmore, midnights, Speak Now, Red TV, reputation

But debut is a close 6

Favorite Taylor swift mv?

OOTW, IKYWT, Cardigan, Blank Space, Love Story, ATW short film of course

Favorite photoshoot?

If we're going to talk album photoshoots I'm obsessed with the midnights, RED TV, rep and Lover ones.

Here are a few more I really enjoyed:

EW 2019

Glamour UK 2015

Fashion Magazine 2015

Glamour UK 2013

People Magazine 2010

USA Today Newspaper 2010

Pick 13 Taylor songs you like!

Cold As You

Illicit affairs

Cardigan

Ivy

Mastermind

YOYOK

TTDS

DBATC

Dress

Wonderland

The Moment I Knew

Enchanted

Breathe

What kind of music you like besides Taylor?

I tend to listen to singer-songwriters that write acoustic-esque pop. Oh and I also listen to some musicals. I was mostly a theatre kid because I loved classical theatre like Shakespeare but I fell in love with some musicals along the way as well.

If you had to pick 5 songs to describe yourself which ones would you choose?

Damn this is a tough one. I'm really bad at limitations so you're getting more than 5:

Why am I like this? - Orla Gartland

Colorado - Reneé Rapp

Pity Party - Cate

The List - Maisie Peters

Personal Best - Maisie Peters

Girls - girl in red

Kintsugi - Gabrielle Aplin

mirrorball - Taylor Swift

homecoming queen? Kelsea Ballerini

Walk In The Park - Kelsea Ballerini

Being Alive - Company OBC

Growing Sideways - Noah Kahan

Hold The Girl - Rina Sawayama

Who were your most listened artists on Spotify?

I know we're supposed to get videos for the people that we listened to the most but I don't know how to access those so in no particular order here are some artists I listened to this year: Taylor Swift, Noah Kahan, Maisie Peters, Reneé Rapp, Gabrielle Aplin, Kelsea Ballerini, Conan Gray, Demi Lovato (love their new album!!), Halsey, Rosie Darling, Gracie Abrams, Cate, Abby Holiday, Lizzy McAlpine, Griff, P!nk, James Bay

I hope all this info helps 😊

[zayeaw]

Hiii! Congrats on passing 100 followers <3 My names Keren, Im a libra with an Aries moon and Scorpio rising. I love fashion and im a fashion major. Im black, I usually wear long black box braids, and I’m around 5’8 5’9. For my personality im mostly shy around others I just meet but im very outgoing once I get comfortable and I have a big personality. Im not exactly sure what my aesthetic is but I’m super inspired by 70’s and 90s fashion. For my music taste I mostly listen to anything but I love alternative R&B and soul/jazz. My favourite artists are Steve Lacy, The Internet, Sade, Solange, and Erykah Badu. Lastly for the fandom I choose Attack on Titan with a male character and a childhood friends to lovers trope :)) (hopefully eren LOL) sorry if this was all over this place😭😭

omg hiii keren! I hope you're having a wonderful day! thank you so much for being here qnd supporting me, it really means a lot!🥺❤

all of you are so pretty.

I love seeing girls with boxbraids, they're absolutely gorgeous ,everytime i see someone with it i go😫😩

also sorry if this seems rushed or something, im a stem student and school is respectfully killing me😍

But I really do pour my heart out when i write so i do hope you like it!

PEPPER'S MILESTONE EVENT!

you ask for eren, you get eren😋🗝

you and eren met each other when you are kids, probably 8 or 9? And i bet that you used to bully him lmao (in a loving way ,probably bc his favorite avenger or pokemon is lamer than yours). back then he used to see more like his competition than a friend and he always had thr upper hand in a social situation where you both were involved bc he could easily roast you there without the risk of u roasting him back. Dw u always picked on him the next day✌🏻

time passed , you both were in the same high school now and one day in english lit class you gave him a dirty look when he cracked the most idiotic joke to ever exist.

Now, idk if he has a degradation kink or not but for the first time in his life his heart began beating so fast he could swear itll burst out any second. He dosent know if it was the outfit you wore which brought your lips out or the new mascara you tried on or the small smirk that you gave him after you turned back around to face the board.

He used to hear his classmates say "dude kerens so hot" and let me tell u, he'd "accidentally" go step on their feet and pick a fight with them and get suspended for the next 2 days.

With time, everyone around you both knew that u both liked each other, i mean even u knew and liked him back but u thought you were good at hiding feelings . Which u totally weren't 🤗

your friends realized u had fallen for him when your loud personality loud turn off and ud suddenly be self conscious whenever he was around.

And well. Those glances you both would steal of each other whenever you could would never go unnoticed by others.

He didn't confess to u until you both passed out of schopl tbh. That idiot thought u didnt like him back and jean and armin had to convince him to finally say it before you leave for college.

Yeah. That convincing part took 2 years.

But he did it tho. Looked like a cute moron while saying "its not like i like u or anything 🙄, uhh yeah but yeah.. hmm (procceds to glance at jean who encourages him to go on) yeah i like u." He said. Face red.

And you fell in love with that face.

It was cute tho u both dating. Holding hands for the first time was a nightmare. And when he finally grabbed your hand u fainted cutely inside.

Lets be honest. Erens into rap and heavy metal music. So you playing steve lacy songs in the car made him want to jump out. ( no offense to lacey tho I LOVE HIS MUSIC😭).

Eventually he learned all of the lyrics and discovered the words in those songs are exactly what he feels about u.

That made him giggle a bit.

He thinks you should be a model really. He always tells u that u would be the best one out there with your cute face, long beautiful hair and your height. He dosen't understand why you always say how pretty real models are when you are here looking like an angels gift .

Loves ur outfits. And the outfits u choose for him.

Totally judges ppl with bad taste with u.

Takes pictures of u while u sleep.

Stares at it while youre at college.

Wants u kiss and cuddle w u 24/7.

He thinks he is the luckiest to have someone like u in his life. Hes so greatful for it that he treats you like the princess you are<3

Oh and u still bully him for taste in pokemon😋.

Umwah ily just like eren does<3

[evil-moonlight]

Thank you so much for the tag @pequenaroo. <3 <3 <3 I appreciate you a lot!! I've read yours and it fascinates me just how cool you are of a person. I am glad to get to know you. <3

Nickname: I am usually called Jin, Rej, Rejin, Ren, Renj, Renji, Rere, Michi, Mich, Din, Den.

Star sign: Cancer

Height: 5'0 💁‍♀️

Time: 11:55 AM

Birthday: June 23

Favorite bands: Kodaline, Sleeping At Last, IV of Spades, Cigarettes After Sex, Coldplay, Eraserheads, Radiohead, Ben&Ben, etc.

Favorite solo artists: Birdy, Hozier, Lana Del Rey, Zild Benitez, Lauren Aquilina, Adele, Ruth B, Kacey Musgraves, James Bay, Moira De La Torre, Aurora, Bruno Mars, Taylor Swift, etc.

Favorite Foods: Lechon, Adobo, Crispy Pata (so filipino mode XD), takoyaki, sushi and sashimi, fried and steamed siomai, carbonara pizza, anything as long as it's food lol

Favorite colors: Black, golden yellow, pink

Last thing I googled: Steps on how to do the pixie cut hairstyle (done at home).

Last show I watched: Ghost Doctor (Last show I rewatched, Bad and Crazy / currently watching, Dangerous Partners)

Last movie I watched: Once again, I'm stuck with rewatching. Last movies were Atonement, The Merciless, Hwayi: A Monster Boy (yes, rewatching these at the same time is possible).

Lucky number: 4 (no reason)

When did I create this blog? Around September last year (I guess). That was when I was searching for Killer and Healer script/novel translated in English, and since I found excellent reviews instead, I ended up creating this blog 'cause I too wanted to write.

Do I have any other blogs? Yes, unfortunately — I cannot access that anymore because I made that one around 2012 (when I used to be a feral kpop fan) and I was too young and too dumb to even memorize my password. Lmao.

Do I get asks? Yes, sometimes. The first one I got was when I was asked if I'm a human or not (but that idiot is a close friend of mine, lol) and I had to really analyze myself just to know the answer like I always did back in college days while solving accounting problems. Af. It was the hardest ask ever! xD

Why did I choose my URL? Evil (because I want to always be reminded about Beyond Evil) and Moonlight (because the word reminds me of Jiang Yue Lou and Chen Yu Zhi from Killer and Healer).

Blogs you follow: woah, didn't expect it would already reach 290 Tumblrs. (majority of them come from the merciless evil devil from hell megafandom, BL, and minority are the poetry enthusiasts)

Dream trip: I'll start with the local tourist destinations here in the Philippines, apart from my own, another Southeast Asian country would be Thailand (just because I'm always mistaken as Thai, lol) then I would love to travel around some parts of East Asia particularly Japan and Taiwan, and the most interesting part is visiting Europe (UK, Italy, Ireland, Netherlands — Amsterdam (the Anne Frank House), Finland, Greece, and Spain (because one of my best friends is currently living there), actually I want to visit the whole Europe. XD), also Algeria, Morocco, and New York City (at the public library where Ash died peacefully reading Eiji's letter 😭, like I'll be having a Bananafish adventure).

Instruments: used to play guitar, and now I'm starting to learn ukulele, and would love to try the piano in the nearest future.

Average hours of sleep: weekdays would be 6-7 hours, weekends would be no sleeping schedule or if I'm lucky enough, 3-4 hours (I know it's not good for the health but)

How many blankets do you sleep with? One is enough.

No pressure tags: @inescated @sashkitty @kimsunho @lamaladelcuento @we-will-fall-in-hell-together 💖

[petruchio]

hi, i know this is so random but i kinda need some advice and you're one of the nicest people here, so i thought i'd ask you. i'm having some trouble not knowing if i made the right career choice. for context, i'm a med student in a non-english speaking country. i've always loved books, and reading is the thing that most joy brings me. i'm wondering if i made the right choice going for medicine (i'm not currently very happy with uni), or if i should've chosen something literature related. i guess i'm just asking for your experience as someone who's studying english, and maybe your thoughts on the uncertainty of the career paths these courses have. you don't have to answer anything you don't want to. thanks a lot :))

ok first of all thank you so much for sending this!! (and we're going to pretend i didn't absolutely lose my mind at being called one of the nicest people on here alkjsdhflakjsdhflaksjdfh thank you so much for saying that) but yes i'm happy to chat and i'm happy to offer my advice and some info about my experience!!

a lot of advice i think you'll see for this kind of question is basically, "you can read books with or without a degree, so get a practical degree and you can enjoy still reading in your free time." and you might not expect this coming from me, but i actually think there's merit in that advice! i know i go on and on about how an english degree is super valuable but i do think there is a large degree of privilege involved in being able to choose to study a liberal arts degree, and sometimes, the best thing you can do is find a degree that can promise you a solid and steady income. there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!! medicine is a wonderful, rewarding, and stable career path and i think that you'll have a lot of opportunities in that field if you decide to pursue it.

THAT SAID. i obviously still think english is the best degree in the world, and i'm happy to offer you a little bit of insight on my experience studying english, as well as my current understanding of the career paths for english majors! (i'm currently recruiting for jobs right now so it's something that's on my mind a lot lol)

in terms of english and why i think it's a valuable degree, what it comes down to for me is not necessarily about having obvious hard skills, or even really clear communication and writing skills (though those are obviously great and marketable skills to have that you gain from the major!!) but for me the best thing about an english degree was that it taught me how to think. it taught me how to take in a ton of information, distill it down to a clear concept, and have critical and informed thoughts and ideas about that concept.

like, if you'll allow me to digress for a moment, i'll offer you a (somewhat goofy) example from my own life. this summer, i went to see the film of in the heights with my family, and i'd never seen the musical so i went in totally cold, knowing nothing about the plot or anything. and i enjoyed it!! and then when the movie ended, i turned to my brother and said "don't you think it's interesting how you can see in his work how lin manuel miranda's perception of death has changed over the course of his life? like this musical is concerned with whether or not you will be remembered, a concern which makes sense for a young college student, which he would've been while he was writing it. while hamilton presents a more mature view about death and memory from someone older and already somewhat famous; that being, how will you be remembered and who will control your legacy. i just think it's interesting!" anyway i said all of this, and my brother looked at me for a second, then turned to my mom and went "see? she's insane. the credits are barely rolling, and she already has, like, a take. i was still just thinking about the last song."

obviously that's an example where there were no stakes, and it was just kind of funny to me, but my point is that that's a skill that will take you really far! i'm often told in job interviews that i'm good at asking thoughtful questions, and i think a lot of that is just being able to really quickly take in information, analyze it, and communicate a thought or idea about it to someone else. it seems basic, but you'd be surprised how many people can't do that.

anyway the point of that story is that to me, an english degree isn't really about reading at all -- it's about synthesizing information, analyzing media for themes and messages, and being able to articulate what you see and why you see it. obviously there's a great deal of reading involved, but if i'm being honest, i didn't choose english because i liked reading, or really even because i liked writing. i liked them both well enough, but to me, i chose english because i liked thinking. and i think the way an english degree teaches you to think is one of the most exhilarating and valuable things in education. (i also chose english because it gave me an opportunity to study everything i love: popular media, niche histories, drama and theater, 19th century novels, and everything else all at once.)

in regards to your question about career paths, i think one of the great and also scary things about english is, like you said, the uncertainty of potential careers. but i think what's cool about that is that you can really do so much with an english degree! i would say the classic career paths (other than academia of course) are publishing, journalism, marketing and pr, and other writing and editing based fields, but you'll find english majors literally anywhere you can think of. i know english majors who are working in tech, advertising, consulting, freelance journalism, project management, and so much more!! it's a very versatile degree! obviously it's not as clearly defined as other majors like medicine or computer science can be, but there's a lot of opportunities available. i think it comes down to what job opportunities you find while being a student (something i was personally terrible at, lol, so no sweat), how well you market yourself, and being able to sell those soft skills in an interview situation. there's a lot you can do with english, but to be frank, it's going to be less clearly defined than a lot of other degrees. and that freedom can be both paralyzing and exciting at the same time.

even if you don't end up pursuing literature, if you're able to do so, i would recommend just taking a literature class as an elective, or auditing one for fun! it can be such a blast to get to participate in a hyper-specific english seminar with a bunch of fellow weirdos, and when you end up in a class with a great professor or a great group of students, it can become such an exciting and stimulating intellectual experience. and if you're unsure, that can also be a great way to get your feet wet in the discipline without fully committing to a degree or a change in major.

anyway i hope (??) even a little bit of that helped!!! in classic caroline fashion, you asked me a question and received an insanely long and unhinged reply, but i hope at least part of my answer can be valuable or helpful to you. university can be so stressful and i spent such a long time even deciding what i wanted to study! i actually came in thinking i wanted to do political science and psych, and i very much... did not do either of those things. but it took me about a year to figure it out, and i still had regular crises about my major until about halfway through my junior year. so it's totally fine to question it!! i have the utmost faith that you will find the right answer for YOU, and try not to stress out about it too much. everything is going to work out just the way it's supposed to <3

[terubakudan]

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi - Book Review and Impressions

(light reflection) Perfect :D Hoping Tumblr doesn't flag me for this xD

Ok, I'm going to start this off with 'this is probably the first and only book review I'm going to do' xD Because I rarely do read books now, and just as rarely buy them. Also, I would have preferred to buy the English version but alas they only had the Chinese version in stock ^^"

Stumbling upon this on the Internet, I was immediately compelled to buy this, as if I knew I would love it and that Nagata's story would resonate with me.

【Short Version】 I can't recommend this book enough, it doesn't matter what sexuality you are or from what culture are you. Nagata makes sure to tell an honest and 'naked' (without embellishments) portrait of her own personal experiences. How she herself is a college drop-out (having only graduated from high school), pushed herself to live/work while struggling with depression and eating disorders, not being sure of what she wants and feeling that she doesn't 'deserve' things, realizing her own sexuality in that she likes girls, and just not feeling 'good enough'...all through her cutesy and unassuming art style.

I will say again though, cutesy art style aside, the book deals with some very heavy topics. Nagata is very honest and doesn't shy away from the gritty details, and I admire her all the more for doing so. Many yaoi and yuri comics often portray an unrealistic and fetishistic view of the LGBTQ+ community whereas Nagata's story is much more grounded and sincere. This is not an easy read, but it's not an overly depressive one either. Nagata literally struggled for years with her mental health, but ultimately found light on the other side. Not mainly through the help of others, but through her own choice to forgive and love herself.

5/5⭐ Definitely recommend and would read again. And if I could, I'd give Nagata a big hug and a heartfelt 'thank you' for sharing her story.

【Long Version】 While it's written primarily from an Asian (particularly Japanese) perspective, Nagata's experiences are ones that should resonate with anyone who has been through the same or similar things, regardless of one's personal background. And I myself, while being fortunate enough to not have gone through eating disorders or self harm, am no exception.

I grew up in an Asian (Taiwanese/Chinese Filipino) household, while my parents weren't Tiger Parents (no offense but fuck Amy Chua for thinking that's a proper way of raising your children), they still had certain expectations on their children: to find a good husband/wife, have a good education, have a 'stable' career, etc. And while I love my parents very much, I'd be lying if I said there weren't any times where I felt they were smothering me, there weren't any times where they kept on nagging and bugging me for very trivial details. My biggest pet peeve: guilt-tripping me just for wanting to spend time alone.

"For me, my parents' opinion of me is absolute." (NOTE: While I won't be providing exact translations of the excerpts I used here, I'll do my best to summarize the gist of them.)

At the same time, I cared very much about their opinion of me. I made it a point to do well in school, to do things according to their wishes, and just like Nagata, I didn't know what I wanted. This even extended to caring about others' opinion of me, more than my own. In my freshman year of college, I 'went along' with being friends with someone, who while was nice to me, turned out to be a manipulative bitch skilled in passive-aggressiveness xD Being half-Taiwanese/half-Filipino, it was hard to fit in since people always treated me differently, it didn't occur to me I could be choosy with friends, I thought as long as they were 'nice' to me, that would do.

Asian culture is largely a collective one, where we define ourselves by our relationships with others, compared with Western culture (primarily America, I'll be using America as a reference point) where individualism is absolute, where you define yourself as you like. In Asia, it's also normal for children to still live in the same house as their parents well into adulthood, compared with Americans who are expected to move out the house once they finish high school or start college, and they're quite literally 'on their own', having to pay their own tuition, rent, etc. Where I live (Taiwan), it's normal for adults to continue relying on their parents financially well until college. Nagata for instance, while saying her parents really make her feel so pressured, is grateful that she still had a home to stay in (and she's 28!).

If you ask me though, neither a collectivist culture or an individualist culture is absolutely good nor bad. Each have their own pros and cons, and both Asian culture and Western culture could learn a thing or two from each other.

After going through quite a few job applications, one of the interviewers tells her "Ganbatte!" (You can do it!) after Nagata tells her what she really wants is to be a manga artist.

And sometimes that's all we need really, a small gesture or kind remark can do wonders. Even if there's no base or reason for it, it's something worth believing in.

I often have doubts if I'm doing what I really want, if I chose the right major for college, if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm 'good enough'. I didn't grow up with much self-esteem as a kid, and often derived my value from others. But even at my lowest times, a 'you're doing ok' was very reassuring to me, be it from family, strangers, or people I care about. Sometimes that's exactly what we need, it may be small but it could be the difference between continuing to wallow in depression or re-evaluating and choosing to be better to oneself.

I find it's really important to know, that however alone you may feel sometimes, there are other people out there going through the exact same thing. It's something universal, and while a lot of things are really unfair in life, each person has their own lot or burden to deal with. I have a Taiwanese friend who, while being more financially well-off than me, has terrible parents. And I mean parents who are quite so literally toxic, unsupportive of her, and would outright say the worst things to their own daughter.

How depression and anxiety can feel sometimes, we can literally feel like it's impossible to breathe and be in a state of disconnection from the world.

"The sounds that invaded my ears occupied my empty brain, making me unable to think at all."

If you only did what your parents asked you to do, wouldn't days like those be very painful? In the end, only you can understand what you really want.

Nagata's art style is one I would describe as simple, cute, and effective. I personally think had her story been drawn in a more serious style, it would have been even harder to read, much less finish. It's also a choice that has artistic appeal to me, serious subject matter juxtaposed with a 'kawaii' art style.

Nagata also depicts very well her mental state and thoughts throughout her struggle and journey to self-actualization. Depression is a really tough thing to deal with, and sometimes we don't even realize that we have it or if we do, refuse to acknowledge it. In Asian cultures especially, mental health has always been something of a taboo subject and there is a very heavy social stigma associated with it. Nagata herself even said that her parents seemingly refused to acknowledge that their daughter's mental health was in a state of distress. In Japan, there is a concept called gaman (我慢), which is described as 'enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity', and while it is portrayed as an ideal virtue that inspires perseverance, it can be a source of heavy pressure for others. Gaman also means that you are expected to suppress whatever emotion or negative feelings you have, often for the sake of others and no matter how tough the situation becomes for you. And while I agree that through gaman you can become more selfless for others, it shouldn't have to come at the expense of your own well-being.

I was quite fortunate to have grown up in a more liberal Asian household, but even when it came to mental health, our family also adopted the same kind of attitude towards it, by carrying on as if nothing was wrong, or just not talking about it. And to be honest, there were numerous times I wished we had been more open about what was bothering ourselves at that time. Talking and being open about your feelings is not a 'weakness' but something incredibly brave to do, and it's my wish for that to slowly become more acceptable in Asian cultures, which I know is kind of a stretch, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Nagata makes the decision to clean herself up, by taking a bath everyday, habitually exercising, and no longer wearing worn-out clothes.

Depression especially can be a bitch. It deprives you even of your physiological needs, like your need for food. Nagata had to struggle with that on top of eating disorders for a long ten years. She ate so little and even felt that she didn't 'deserve' to eat, and at one point, anorexia became hyperphagia, and she would feel so guilty for eating almost expired/expired food. Things that would otherwise be simple to do also end up becoming difficult/impossible to do, like taking care of your personal hygiene, getting up from bed, doing simple tasks etc.

Thankfully, after Nagata realizes that she never truly 'valued herself', she starts to turn over a new leaf. Even just starting with cleaning herself up, she takes this as a form of 'valuing oneself' and her mood starts to improve, which her family also points out. In the end, taking care of yourself is not a selfish thing to do, it can even make you a better person who is there for others.

Nagata meets up with the female escort she hired, as a means to experience human sexuality, which she had always repressed her curiosity for and treated as a taboo subject. (NOTE: And I'm glad that she met a really nice girl for her first time too!)

Sex and sexuality is also a subject that I feel is hard to talk about sometimes, which I think also owes itself to most Asian cultures being relatively conservative about it. I myself have only recently identified as bisexual, which I attribute to internalized homophobia, not wanting to admit I was into girls too. And to be honest, 'coming out' is something I'm still uncomfortable about, because I don't want to risk my relationship with my family and it's still something I would choose to be selective about with colleagues and friends. I'm grateful though that as crazy the Internet can be sometimes, it can be quite accepting and tolerant towards things that we wouldn't otherwise discuss with even the closest people in our circle. Nagata's memoir ended up capturing the hearts of many readers ever since she first published it on Pixiv.

Exploring your sexuality doesn't have to be scary, it should be something exciting and liberating. Nagata decided to take matters into her own hands, and while the days leading up to the encounter made her really nervous and she even considered not going through with it at all, she willed herself to continue, because she wanted to do this for herself, it would be pointless if she gave up after coming so far in her decision to value herself.

And it's these series of actions that she decided to do that ultimately led to her life turning out for the better, it gave her the courage to do what she always wanted: to be a manga artist, which lead to the publishing of this autobiographical memoir, something she wanted to create that would 'make people want to buy this book' and from her own preference for reading stories that 'speak of secrets people wouldn't want to tell others'.

Nagata mentions what she calls 'honey': something that varies from person to person. It could be your reason for living, that thing that drives/pushes you, or even your sense of belonging. It may not be something permanent, but you can always find yourself a new one. (she mentions the last time she had her 'honey' was during her high school days, and while she has grown apart from the friends she made, she has found her new 'honey' in the form of being a full-time manga artist.)

Nagata stumbles and trips a lot on her way to being a better version of herself, but who doesn't? She admits to things not necessarily being smooth, but at least she's doing better than before. And it's that decision to at least try that counts. We don't have to be perfect, we're all human after all.

TL;DR My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness is a honest, down-to-earth, and ultimately hopeful memoir about the struggles of mental health and learning about one's sexuality. It's an amazing book, and very much worth the buy.

A big thank you if you read through all of this too. I know it's a mess and writing isn't exactly my strong point, but hopefully I've convinced some people out there to give this book a read! Please feel free to share your thoughts and I'd appreciate it very much too if you reblog/like this post.

[whaleofatjme1920]

You keep reminding me that I, at some point, have to choose what I want to study ;-;

To be honest, I just finished school and everything is so overwhelming. I definitely want to study, but like, WHAT. There are so many interesting options!

Do you maybe have any tips on how to settle on one first option? I know that you can change it if it doesn’t suit you, but it still just seems like a life-changing (or defining?) choice.

Sorry for rambling, but that rant built up over a very long time. Hope it didn’t disturb you! If I cross any boundaries/overshare, just tell me please.

Hope you have a good night! Or whatever time of day it is for you right now!

🍁-anon

Hm, well, I always knew what I wanted to do. And it's not because of like some holier than thou thing, it's because that how I was raised and the person I am now. I set my mind to something, and see it through until it's done. Sure, I flip flopped a few times, but ultimately I went with a major and am now looking at gradschool based on what makes money, and what makes me happy. Psychology is that weird niche even though my father is disappointed I didn't go into chem teaching like him *eyeroll*

I find it very, very unfair we make young people choose what they want to do for the rest of their life at such a young, formative age. If I was smarter about this, I would have gone to community college and save up, getting a lot of classes out of the way before sinking 14K a quarter at a name university bc it's stupid and all I'm paying for is the name. I genuinely mean that. For my friends that didn't go to uni like me, needed more time to figure it out, they went to community near us (Chicago has some great ones!) and figured out at a much more leisure pace while not breaking bank in order to figure out what they wanted. And there's nothing wrong with not knowing what you want to do, how could you? There's so many fascinating things to learn about in the world we call home, it's only natural our wanderlust would go bonkers at the possibility of choosing our future.

Changing majors is INCREDIBLY common. I knew many people who changed majors during my time at uni simply because they gave something a try and found they didn't have the ultimate passion for it! That's okay! There's nothing wrong with knowing when to bail! For you, focus on what makes you happiest and what makes the most practical sense, and try that out. Look at community if you feel that's more financially sound and see what floats your boat right now.

Try something first, and see if it makes you happy and makes sense in the world we live in. Can it ultimately sustain you? I hate dogging on majors, but English is such a saturated field, and so would be like, what ancient Roman history? You can always have a major AND a minor. Hell, I almost minored in chem bc I know pysch is dodgy.

Take your time with it, and try not to overthink.

I didn't even know what college I was going to, I just blindly started applying. Now I'm at a well known uni! You'll do just fine.

[buzzings]

letter no. 4

i saw a tiktok of someone comically ranting about the absurdity of choosing a college major at age eighteen because it's usually not what we want to do by the time we're twenty-five.

i chose communication (hold your groans) as my field of study, and then added sociology (the groans are more of an audible question mark now) as a second field. at my first university, communication students were required to pick either a minor or a second major along with communication—why this was the case only for communication students is something that still baffles me, but i am grateful now—and i decided to keep studying both after transferring to a new school.

the reason i chose communication was the fact that i am chronically online in several social spaces, not limited to tumblr, twitter, facebook, and instgram. i was sort of shepherded by my mother into the mentality that i would use my communication degree to become a social media manager/marketer, which was still a developing field (and really, it will never stop developing) and something i thought would be easy. at the time, it probably was much easier than now.

quickly, i realized i didn't really want to study communication, but i had already come a year-and-a-half into my courses when i reached this conclusion, so i kept going at the risk of it being a waste of time to give up on it. surprisingly—or perhaps not—it was an even bigger waste of time keeping it as a major. this is not to say there is no value in communication. it is a crucial and integral part of the human experience. however, i feel dispassionate about it as a career, and even more so for the emotional turmoil i experienced in my studies.

sociology is what i cared about. i paid the most attention to those courses, and i worked the hardest on my assignments. i even tutored other students. the reason, which may be obvious, is i liked it. it's interesting to me. it's how my brain works, and it just makes sense.

i really should've just studied sociology, but again, i was too stubborn to write off the rest of my time in college as wasted time (not to mention, a lot of my communication professors were such desperate assholes who wanted to keep the number of students up in order to keep the department from being phased out, one of which literally told me this as she begged me to stay in the program upon my mention of me leaving for a different department (and we know my track record when it comes to manipulative women)). so, i stayed.

and what am i doing now? i have two bachelor degrees gathering dust on my bedroom wall and no career. i don't mind that i'm not working in those fields, as communication is mostly miserable nowadays, and sociology was much more of a passion of mine than what i wanted to do for money. had i been older, more confident, and more willing to advocate for myself—which, in hindsight, would've been easier had i been properly treated for my several mental disorders and not burdened with financial insecurity or an abusive home—i probably would've taken the leap and studied english instead of communication, as my dream job since eighth grade has been to write (my dream job up until that point was, unironically, to be a princess).

english is the kind of field that most people laugh at. you're paying that much money to read and write and not even get a job from it? placating the woes of others is insufferable, especially when considering that every field of study requires both of those things and still does not guarantee a job after the fact. for some reason, people are only worried about this with bachelor of art students. but the superiority complex isn't my biggest issue with choosing a degree at sixteen or seventeen or eighteen:

the biggest is really academia's transition from studying in a field for the purpose of learning to studying in a field to earn a career, and at insane financial (and emotional) cost to the student. there was a time when academic was a job title. these were people who studied full time for the purpose of gaining knowledge, and they could still support themselves enough with a part time job to afford classes. this is how i wanted to treat my college experience, and the reality of the shift is probably why i was so miserable; i had to study for a career (communication) to make it worthwhile, when all i wanted was to study my own interests (sociology). it is also disheartening to note that most students only care about getting passing grades rather than learning material, as the curriculum rarely gives any upper hand in a career since most jobs will train you once you get hired. but the hiring is reliant on getting the piece of paper, which is reliant on getting the grades and not much else. this is not a moral failing of the students, but a societal failing and misguidance of purpose.

i am not saying there is no value in my (or other's) education as it stands today. a lot of graduates are able to leverage their degree into a career, even though many more don’t. in my own case, my communication classes taught me more about the intricacies of human interaction than i could've imagined possible (and also how to deal with bullshit "professionals" and keep your sanity). i met the most intelligent and wonderful few students and professors in my sociology department, and i had fun in those classes. it is also a privilege that i even got to study at all.

but now i am $70,000 in debt for an imbalance of interest versus obligation, four-and-a-half years of emotional trauma, and a risk that had no financial payoff. and i made this decision before i was even considered a legal adult—well before my brain was "fully developed," or so science tells us. it is a crime of the current economic system that such a valuable career (academia) has been twisted and commodified for resale as a line on a resume, rather than as a tool for human development, and it is heartbreaking.